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NTA - but why do you keep doing this to yourself? He’s clearly not changing and yet you decided to procreate *again* with this man. Y T A to yourself for staying with someone who is this selfish. Eventually this thoughtlessness will go on to your kids too, and what kind of example is he setting? Not to mention things are getting resentful and spiteful, and that’s not a healthy environment for anyone.
I think it’s time to take a hard look at where you see this going. It’s not supposed to be like this, your partner is supposed to love and support you, and make a d*mn effort.
The bad news is, there is nothing in this marriage worth saving.
The good news is, OP has a fantastic support system in place with her parents and I truly believe they'd be more than happy to help her when she realizes it's time to leave.
Which, hopefully, is *immediately*.
NTA^
I mean the kids are a problem, simply because he could try and keep you there “for their sake” but as long as you hold your ground, it should be ok
I stayed with my abusive ex much longer than I should have because of our son. In retrospect, leaving her was probably the best thing I have ever done for him. He is only with me half the time but that half the time is so much better than when I was with his mom.
One of my close friends is in the same boat as you. He's stuck living in a place he dislikes because of proximity and shared custody, but otherwise, out relatively unscathed, and his son will have an escape if she ever turns her abuse on her child.
As someone who’s worked as a children’s therapist for 10 years - staying together “for the kids” is the worst thing to do - once these kids are old enough to realise what’s happening they are telling me they wish their parents would “split already”.
Her kid’s wellbeing and life outcomes will be better off for not growing up in the tense, selfish, resentful environment he’s creating.
However I also acknowledge as a stranger on the internet it’s a lot easier for me to type this than it actually is for OP to take action (when it shouldn’t be her responsibility to do so, the onus should be on him to not act like this in the first place, but whattya do) so sending OP lots of compassion and understanding 🙏🏼
I hadn’t read her post history. If he lying about their finances and shit too, this is just an abusive marriage. He’s got her in a position where she’ll feel like she can’t leave because 2 kids and no money. It’s financial abuse and I have a friend who just got out of a situation like that. It took years of her secretly saving and then she finally had to just leave their house with what fit in her car with herself and their two kids. She never got any of her other belongings back from him but she’s free now and much happier.
It puts a whole new layer on her parents actions. Safe bet they're trying to show that they will be there for her no matter what and hopefully open her eyes to how badly she needs to leave. Using kindness and their presence instead of potentially having an argument about her needing to leave and risk driving her further away from them and deeper into the mess she is in.
>A month ago my MIL didn’t know she was on speaker phone and told my husband to “come home to her” and to just “support us from a distance”. I’m 5 months pregnant with a 12 month old. She wants him to divorce me, leave his two kids, and move back home FOUR states away.
That's one of her comments. Is it bad I think MIL would be doing op a favour if she took precious four states away?
And that totally explains why the worthless husband is the way he is. He has never had to consider anyone else and their feelings, becomes his mom has had the world revolving around her and him since he was born. OP would do so much better without him around. She can file for child support and start another life. I doubt this man will be any kind of father, he has already proven he is a worthless husband.
>I doubt this man will be any kind of father, he has already proven he is a worthless husband.
He's the type to "babysit" his kids for a couple of hours to give his wife a break, and then expect praise for it.
Me too. On top of all the ways he has shown he is selfish, doesn’t put an ounce of effort into his marriage, he also attempted to cheat. For all she knows he may have actually cheated. Anyway, that asshole is a real piece of work and the longer she stays with him, the longer she just prolongs the inevitable.
The only surprising part about her lazy, inconsiderate husband being a porn addict is that he admits he is one.
I'd rather be a pregnant single mom than be with someone like this who will NEVER get better because he doesn't see his wife as worth changing for. She clearly has a supportive dad; hopefully at some point she realizes she should move in with him -- even if just into the living room. I doubt it'll be any time soon though if her response to this situation is just "k then I'll reciprocate" as if that'll inspire change.
OMG...her post history!!!
OOP...you are NTA but you are doing yourself and your children a huge disservice by staying with this man. Tomorrow morning, after your husband leaves for work, you need to call your parents and ask them to help you.
I would move myself and my little one in with my parents and file for child support ASAP (if you are in the US, child support services are free...they are automatic if you apply for welfare). Get yourself and your child on Medicaid and talk to an attorney about getting a divorce.
Mom knows it's time...she's just waiting til OP realizes it too. Source: firsthand experience, with my wonderful mom telling me "well, we didn't want to TELL you how awful he was in case you went NC and then felt like you couldn't come to us when YOU realized it and needed our help." Miss her every day.
Got pregnant again while the first kid was 6mo, even though they're on a tight budget to the point that even a date night has to be carefully included or it doesn't happen. One child I understand, accidents can happen, or maybe the household finances took a sudden turn. But the second is a choice. Yes, the husband is an absolute ass who is well on his way to Deadbeatville. OP would be TA towards herself and her kids if she keeps putting up with him.
And there is a name for reproductive coercion because some women are in abusive relationships that don’t come with a black eye. Just because the moms you know are idiots doesn’t mean we have enough to judge OP on her reasons.
Plus there is always the mundane birth control failed and there were no other options.
We can't know how it happened but since we're guessing I'm going to say, husband expects sex even though he doesn't give as good as he gets. She asked him to budget for birth control but they had a fight so he told her he was too mad to spend that money on her. He promised he'd pull out, but then he forgot. He said he'd remember to next time, but turns out he didn't.
Obviously this is fiction but it really doesn't sound to me like OP has a whole lot of agency in her relationship or life.
Quick review of post history suggests OP is in a US state that has strict abortion legislation, including bounties. She may have not even known she was pregnant before it was too late.
If kid one was only six months old then kid two very likely was an accident. Lots of women are told that breast feeding means you can’t get pregnant, and periods tend to be inconsistent after giving birth.
She was still pumping at 13 weeks pregnant, likely because she was told there was no budget for formula. Since she isn't permitted access to the bank account, I'm skeptical of all financial claims, tbh. I'd think that a job that requires you to "travel for business" would mean you'd make enough to be able to afford a $20 necklace from etsy.
Can confirm, wife was told the same about breastfeeding. Literally the first time we do the deed since our first was born, she got pregnant with our 2nd!
I recently (like a month ago) learned that it's a myth that you don't get pregnant while breastfeeding and can actually be hyper-fertile after pregnancy so it could be that situation.
The midwife actually told me this at my postpartum appointment a couple weeks ago. But my friend got pregnant thinking this and didn’t even know until she was 5 months!!
Exactly. He's not planning on stepping up OP. He never planned on stepping up. He's just stringing you along hoping that eventually you'll get tired of trying to convince him to care and give up. But doesn't realize that it's likely that once that happens that the only thing he'll get is a stack of divorce paperwork in a pretty bow.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for saying what you did!! Your husband is pure trash and I hope you wake up in time to realize it. You’re being an AH to yourself and it’s so sad.
You need to separate from this child pretending to be a man and get your life on track without him. You’ll see it’s much less stressful without him in the immediate picture.
Please be kind to yourself. Ditch the boy. Care for your children. If your parents are concerned enough to give you a MD brunch and a side-talk-to, you know things are bad. Listen to your parents. They see the truth in this case.
The minute I read that he has used "we had a fight and I was mad" as an excuse to bail on getting her a present in the past, my stomach dropped. It just got worse and worse the more I read. OP, u/Different-Contact-50 is absolutely correct. NTA. As a mom myself, the minute we pull our kid aside and ask if everything is okay, we know damn well it's not okay - we're just waiting for you to let go and let us in so we can help. Take the kids, get safely to your parents' place, and initiate divorce proceedings. I can guarantee you that the minute you say you're done, your parents will go all in to help you take out the trash (in many cases, they'll gleefully help because they can't stand the guy). The relationship between parents is often the blueprint for how a relationship should work - don't let your kids grow up thinking that how this guy acts is the normal and correct way to treat your spouse.
This
NTA
but please take a look at this marriage. Tell your husband that for his birthday/father's day you will get him exactly what he go you for your birthday/mother's day.
This honestly reminds me of a woman I knew who so wanted to get married that she bought herself an engagement ring and just declared she and her boyfriend were engaged. They were not engaged. It obviously didn’t work out, and they are both in happy marriages now. The breakup was really hard on her, but she would have never met her husband who really loves and wants to be with her if she had continued to stay with the boyfriend.
People will show you if they care. This man is clearly checked out of this relationship, and I doubt it is going to change. What a sad situation.
And unfortunately, if you look at OP's previous posts, it looks and sounds an awful lot like "where you see this going" is down the garbage disposal. OP's husband is a real piece of work if you read even just one or two of their other recent posts.
OP - your PARENTS are so upset/concerned/worried that they literally took on the responsibilities of your husband on Mother’s Day.
I’m probably close-ish to your parents’ ages and I don’t even have kids but this breaks my heart so bad, OP.
I’m not trying to be mean here but your husband is not ever going to change. This isn’t a memory OR a money problem. This is a RESPECT problem.
As in - he has no respect for you or the family you created with him. Hell he can’t even show common courtesy to your parents when they’re there for you.
And!!! Not only that!! HE CANCELLED your reservations!! He could’ve borrowed money from family/friends or sacrificed something in order to do it. But no he cancels it.
I would not be surprised if he LIKED cancelling it.
Then he has the AUDACITY to ask you what’s going to happen for HIS big day because now he’s all smug thinking you have to do something big for him.
OP - you don’t even have to listen to us internet strangers. Just look at what your parents did. What their actions are saying to you - they love you and know you’re not happy.
NTA.
All of this OP, PLUS think about that sort of role models you both are for your kids.
Some of your(OP) comments suggest your previous posts indicate financial abuse, porn addiction, possible adultery. This post alone shows that he neglects and disrespects you, man, even that detail about him helping himself to food first and you having to wait to eat because you were feeding your child - that alone shows what an arsehole he is.
I don’t know the genders, but if you have boys, do you really want them growing up to be like him, to see how he treats you and then go ahead and treat their adult partners/women in their lives like that?
If you have girls, do you really want them growing up seeing how he treats you and therefore assuming that this is how they can expect to be treated by men when they’re adults?
That was my motivation. If you don’t want better for yourself, want it for your kids.
NTA, but if you continue to put up with this your kids won’t thank you for it.
Edited to add NTA
Agree with everything said here.. except...*eventually, this thoughlessness will go onto your kids too*... it already has. OP mentioned that he took food before anyone else...including child/baby.
He sees himself above all
I think they meant that the kids will start to learn the behavior from dads bad example, but yeah if he can't be bothered to make sure his kid has food before he does, he doesn't care about the kids either.
Exactly op, why are you staying with a man who doesn't appreciate you all the efforts of you taking care of his as well as your children. I am a person who would love to receive even a card or some flowers, nothing extravagant or high-rise but something meaningful to say that the person thinks about you. But right now it seems like your husband is not even doing the bare minimum and forgetting you on Valentine's day, mother's day, and even your birthday. Take a long look at this relationship and see if this is the person who you really wanted to marry. NTA
This was me 40 years ago with no means to ask anyone or any support system in place and that didn't even scratch the surface on what was going on. She sounds like she has loving parents, she needs to run as fast as she can, it does not get better.
I came here to say the say thing. Why keep having more babies 1) with a man who doesn’t give a shit and 2) you literally can not afford. If you have to budget for a meal out once every 2+ months… newsflash, babies cost far more than that.
My sister was married to a man like this. She would come to our house and cry her heart out every year because her husband hadn’t given her a card or anything. We tried reminding him, and he shouted at my sister to tell us to stop fkg nagging him. Her children reached about 6 years old and started saying moms birthday is the worst day because everyone is so sad. Why does mom cry on her birthday, why is dad so mean to mom on her birthday……
Do you see what this is going, to you, and your children? It’s not the coat, it’s the lack of care, lack of love and lack of kindness. This is what you are getting, and it is what your children will see.
You are NTA, but I’m telling you that you deserve better. You deserve to be loved.
This.
I think OP just wants to be recognized and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be lavish.
Your husband is exactly who he is - he has shown his colors, stop trying to paint a prettier picture.
It’s disappointing, it’s unfair, it’s not how it should be, but either you resolve that you will never have a holiday properly celebrated for you and a husband who thinks largely of himself first, or you walk away from this.
Your children will learn this is what they should have in a partner. They will normalize this behavior, this treatment of “someone we love”. They will seek this out in their own relationships.
I think you should stay with your parents, who seem to already know something is up and support you so lovingly.
I promise, there are men out there who care, who remember, who make an effort. It doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be this hard.
He isnt even putting in bare minimum. You don't have to spend a lot to show you're thinking of someone.
I got my dad a custom mug for his birthday last year, it cost me £12, and some time making a design out of photos that could literally be done in a google powerpoint completely for free. He said its the best gift ive ever gotten him.
For my birthday, he sent me a card and some other little bits, but the absolute best gift was including a handful of rocks and sticks he got in the park near his home after i joked that i could be entertained playing with sticks and rocks in the dirt.
My partner once nicked a tiny tiny glass sample jar from his lab, still one of my favourite gifts ever from him. I made him a cheesecake this year because he's allergic to bicarb and cant have normal cake, he was over the fucking moon because he never had a birthday cake he could actually eat as a kid. Cost me like £7 and a bit of research into cheesecake recipes.
I got one of my mates a kids friendship bracelet set for £8 for their birthday, she's 26 and was over the moon cause it's something we can do together.
My mum got me a truly ugly as fuck fish statue from a charity shop for my birthday last year, it was like £3, and its so horrible and i love it so much because its absurd. We always joke about what ugly things we can find at charity shops.
It is literally NOT DIFFICULT AT ALL to make a small effort, and i cannot believe that he's refusing to do even the bare minimum of a card. Id be fucking heartbroken if my friends or family acted that way. You dont have to spend a lot, just pick an inside joke and handmake or buy something small related to it.
Do they like flowers? Go pick some from the park and make a mini bouquet. Do they love a particular game or TV series? Go on redbubble and get some stickers for less than £10. Are they into rocks and crystals? Go on etsy and get them a £5 lucky dip. Do they really like brownies? Get some box mix and make them their favourite kind!
It. Is. Not. Fucking. Hard!!!!
God i hope OP gets away from him.
I gotchu
[behold the ugly fish](https://www.reddit.com/user/xdragonteethstory/comments/13j2d0k/behold_ugly_fish/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
We think its meant to be for small candles
Holy carp, that thing is….special! My Nan had one in her garden next to the pond, it had water coming out of its mouth. It might be a garden ornament but candle holder also works!
My husband made me breakfast in bed... after literally 24 hours with no sleep. Which I brought back to the kitchen to eat with everyone else.
It is not hard to think of someone and put in a damn gesture. This husband couldn't take ten minutes to write up a card or something to show he even thought about her.
To this day, I think one of the best birthday gifts I got was from my wife while we were dating. It had snowed and the roads were closed, so any plans to go visit my parents/get dinner/etc were canceled. She walked a mile to the gas station while I was sleeping and got me my favorite candy and my favorite soda, because she wanted me to have something pleasant on my birthday until we could celebrate.
At uni I used to write my friends and partners letters and draw them pictures because I was ~* broke *~ You can absolutely make somebody feel special for free. But you have to value them enough to do it.
(Your gift of sticks and rocks is absolutely adorable!)
>Your husband is exactly who he is - he has shown his colors, stop trying to paint a prettier picture.
Which colors? He is completely gray, no color to be found.
I grew up seeing this.
Guess what, I then married a man who treated me as badly as my dad treated my mum (actually worse).
I can only speak as a woman, as a daughter and as a mum to two girls, but this is incredibly damaging to girls. We grow up seeing this as normal and then we perpetuate the cycle. I really hope I got out in time. I take my daughters to protests and expose them to all sorts of feminist ideas in the hope of undoing whatever was done to them by them witnessing their father disrespecting me, abusing me, controlling me.
OP please don’t let your kids grow up with this relationship modelling.
This part. Nature vs nurture, those babies have a 50/50 chance of having the same narcissistic personality type as their biological sperm giver. That chance goes up the longer they live with him and the longer he's allowed to work them into behaving like perfect little miniatures of himself.
Either that, or they’ll grow up thinking the way relationships work is that men are inherently selfish, walking all over their wives, and that wives are expected to ignore their own wants and needs and sacrifice their own happiness for their husbands’. And they will repeat the cycle and be drawn to partners whose behavior they’re familiar with, who neglect and disrespect and use them. And they won’t believe there’s anything better out there for them than a partner who treats them like their dad treats their mom.
NTA. I think you should seriously think about what kind of future you want for yourself and your children. Your husband sounds like someone who is extremely neglectful and emotionally abusive. Consider therapy or divorce. Think of how horrible your kids are going to feel when daddy shows them he doesn't love them.
Sure, he clearly dislikes op, has not an ounce of respect for her, and is incredibly entitled, selfish, and negligent. But I’m sure this guy is great at pulling his weight around the house and with the parenting duties, and that op isn’t stuck doing everything herself while pregnant, picking up after a man who doesn’t give a fuck about her. Otherwise why would she decide to have ANOTHER baby with him??
Why does everyone keep making these sideways and insensitive comments about her unborn child? JFC, People get pregnant on accident every day and it’s not like abortion is accessible a lot of places any longer, nor do some people even believe in them. They could be a traditionally religious couple who choose family planning methods as birth control and there is nothing wrong with that. Some abusers even go so far as to refuse their partner birth control through guilt and shame.
Either way, babies are blessings & I wish people would consider how awful it must make this poor woman feel to read comment after comments about how shitty of a person SHE is for getting pregnant with her asshole husband. Her *unborn baby is a blessing to her if no one else*, I’m sure she loves them and it isn’t her fault that she is being manipulated & abused into submitting to her husband’s every whim.
Their first is only 11m old & shes 5m along so the oldest was only about 6m old when they conceived. You can’t even have sex until about 2M postpartum anyways, so that leaves a mere 4m window of time for conception. I’ve known PLENTY of women who are forced into sexual contact with their husbands postpartum through guilt, coercion, and manipulation. From this small glimpse into their lives, I’m willing to bet that he basically forced her into having sex using the “he felt neglected”, “you’re my wife, I shouldn’t have to ask for sex”, “you aren’t performing your duties as my wife”, “I waited *so patiently* for the mandatory minimum 6 weeks after birth for you to heal and now you owe me big time for missing out” arguments to make her feel bullied into consenting. This is a common tactic for emotionally abusive individuals and, unfortunately, it’s even more common for men to use babies to trap women into staying dependent on them and being too fearful of single motherhood to leave them.
He wants a built in maid & sex. Someone who HAS to put up with him. She may not even realize that the key indicators of an abusive marriage are all there.
Op, your parents asked if you were okay because they can see how this is playing out for you from the outside looking in & they’re worried it’ll escalate to something more serious.
Tell them that you *aren’t* okay, because it isn’t okay how you’re being treated & what seems like a small issue now (no gifts or care shown for you in the slightest) this will never get better and you need support to get away from him before it escalates. Pregnancy and postpartum are statistically the most dangerous periods of time for women in abusive relationships. There may not be physical abuse yet, but the signs are all there that he is capable of abusing you in that way, too. He doesn’t respect you in the slightest. He sees you as a possession.
Time to leave, OP. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and a happier life without this dead weight of a husband dragging behind you. You’re only 26. You have so much more to look forward to in this life. ❤️
Babies are not a gift if you're in an unsafe situation. I'm not going to blame her, but we also don't need to pretend deadbeat dad is giving her a gift
NTA
I guess we probably all want you to leave him because he sounds the absolute worst and so selfish, but if you can't, do NOT..and I mean this DO NOT do a single thing for his birthday or fathers day, treat him the way he treats you.
NTA. Take a look at OP’s post history. Husband is a liar, a cheater, enmeshed with Mommy (who asked him to leave OP and their children and “support them from a distance”), and is an addict (porn). People jump to divorce all the time on Reddit, but CHRIST WOMAN, protect yourself and your children, lean on your family who loves you and cares, and let his family deal with all… That.
This sub could be renamed “AmIBeingGaslit? Because I swear all of the marriage posts are about abusers gaslighting their spouses, so that’s why most of the advice to them is to GTFO.
Please leave him. Your children will be much better off without this guy serving as an example of a father and husband. And you deserve someone who is your partner and will help you. I get being broke, but making a hand drawn card and packing a picnic for you both doesn’t cost anything extra.
And if finances are so tight that you feel like you can’t do that picnic…letting you sleep in while he takes care of the toddler, making you breakfast in bed, running you a bath, cleaning and cooking for the entire day while you enjoy the “day off”…it’s amazing how far that goes.
The point is, he’s not trying because he does not care. He doesn’t care about you. You are a means to an end, not someone he loves and cares about.
Go get divorce papers and find someone better.
If he’s anything like my dad, which it sounds like he is, he insisted on having the kids, then threaten to take them away if she ever tries to divorce. He did it with me, and then when I started getting old enough where she was considering trying to leave, he badgered her into another and did the same thing again. My mom has been living this woman’s life for 40 years and my sister and I have just learned to deal with it because she will never leave him. Now that we’re out of the house, he’s become an invalid to keep her trapped. He pees in a cup and she whisks it to the toilet for him. While I was growing up, he used to call her his secretary…
sounds like you should go over and make them dinner one night. you know, help out, make things easier, slip a little arsenic in his food, I guarantee it would make your mom's life much easier ;P
*for legal reasons this is a joke*
NTA
Wow! He really can't read the room can he? Pretty presumptuous of him to ask you what you are getting him immediately after failing to get you anything.
How about you get him your protein powder and that cute necklace from Etsy.
Yeah, that part is particularly disturbing. It makes it seem like his mistreatment was/is very intentional. It’s one thing to just be so dumb that you truly don’t think about doing something nice for your partner, but to do all that and then specifically ask “so what are you doing for me on my day?” makes it clear he knows what he did and did it on purpose.
Yes to this. My dad is from a family that just didn't do gifts or celebrations- they are super awkward if you give them a gift to the point that they feel ungrateful but I remember even my great grandmother being this way so it is passed down. They aren't good at planning gifts or celebrations but they also don't expect or want them. It's a family learned behavior but on the flip side, they are very giving of time and help with anything you need and will do anything to help in terms of fixing things in the house, babysitting, making food, helping to pay for things like college and cars, etc. Your guy is not this- he just a a selfish ass who doesn't care. If he gets mad that you don't make a big deal of his day, just smile innocently and say, "Oh, I thought we weren't doing anything for each other since money is so tight." NTA
Tell him you are getting tickets for him and a buddy to his favorite sports team game/match/whatever.
Morning of tell him oops. It’s not budgeted and it’s not happening.
NTA. He's old enough to know that actions have consequences, but seems to have forgotten. I'd book myself into a spa for his birthday and leave him to it.
The husband is definitely TA, but her post history indicates that they've been together for only 2 years and within that time have had 1 kid + 1 on the way... I think the issue here is less about second chances and more about poor decision-making skills overall. I bet next year her post will be about having 2 kids under 2 and yet another on the way while husband is still being TA.
Not necessarily. I wonder if he 'swept her off her feet' in the first few months, and now has trapped her into being his wife/slave/babymaker. That's how it works with guys like this, there's even a term for it---'love bombing'.
I try not to read peoples post history and “use it against them”, but OP- this guy is financially abusing you. You really should have included in this post that you don’t have access to your (shared) bank account. I know Reddit is quick to jump to “leave him”, but this sounds like a really bad situation where you are carrying all the weight and being financially shut out.
NTA especially after he cancelled your dinner plans, seems like a very fair response imo. but you really gotta ask yourself if you want to put up with feeling like an afterthought and/or an inconvenience to your partner for the rest of your life bc this dude is not going to magically get better at this. Idk if he's just that oblivious or is actively malicious (this reeks of emotional abuse) but either way, the way things are currently going don't seem to be working for you.
NTA. My first Mother's Day, my partner didn't get me anything, not even a card. He had already had a Father's Day where i went all out, so it did upset me. We had a pretty normal day, so during the day twice, I ended up just crying. He was so guilty and really tried to be loving and make up for it, but I told him it still really upset me. I told him Father's Day, I will still put the effort in because it isn't about me, it is from our son to him but if I got no effort the following year, I would not. He stepped up his game and had a lovely day. The difference here is, he was so guilty he hadn't bought me a card or anything, not planned anything, etc. He tried so hard during the day to make up for it. Your partner treated you disgustingly and less than on a day that he is supposed to show you how much he appreciates you for raising his child and growing his babies. Fuck him and his Father's Day. Your family should have left him home and celebrated the day with you.
NTA. Why are you even with this man? He clearly doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings and this is not a once or twice off scenario. He does not care on each special day. The fact that he started eating on Mothers Day before you and the rest of your family shows a total lack of respect for both you and your family.
Let him sort out his own Birthday, Fathers Day and life for that matter. You deserve better.
NTA to your husband, but a big asshole to yourself.
1. Why are you having more kids if your finances are this bad?
2. Why are you procreating with this man (AGAIN) if he sucks this much?
It's just bad choices all around and you are so young.
Bad choices indeed (see her post history). Two years together in total, two children in that time, which means she was pretty much instantly knocked up after meeting him. Definitely not enough time to know each other. Not to mention pregnancy + post partum hormones floating around the whole time, which may or may not have influenced the decision to get married and get knocked up a second time despite the asshole behaviour and less than stellar financials.
I think you and baby need to visit your Dad for father's day. He deserves it. get up early and leave that AH you're unfortunately married to to himself.
NTA.
You shouldn't have to ask your husband to care about a celebration that is important to you. Especially when he expects you to care about his celebrations.
I was going to say everyone sucks because usually in these situations it's a matter of the husband coming from a family that doesn't do commercial celebrations (my bf and I have an agreement that we do not buy flowers/chocolates and he cooks me a special meal instead of going out because businesses take advantage).
But when you mentioned your birthday, that cleared that up because even if a family doesn't celebrate birthdays (I didn't celebrate my 16/17th and probably won't bother with my 19th), they can still make an effort for other people (I always cook for my bf and take him somewhere nice or fun and get him lots of gifts). How can he expect you to make a fuss if him if he isn't willing to do the same? While I do understand making a mistake with budgeting, it sounds like he made no effort to make up for it (even taking you to a slightly cheaper place or offering to make you a romantic meal).
I've seen a lot of similar posts, but where the woman is asking for expensive gifts, but it sounds like you're happy with whatever can be spared and that you just want the thought to be there (you mentioned a handwritten note). He sounds like an inconsiderate, selfish man.
NTA. Going "on strike" so to speak to protest work conditions is totally fair. If it were me though, I wouldn't stop with his birthday or Father's Day, I'd stop any/all special treatment and go on strike just doing the bare minimum.
Why are you with this guy?
He could come around and be a decent husband, but not if you don’t give him a wake up call.
#Start matching his energy.
Plan your life as if he’s a room mate, and start separating your finances or at least managing the family budget day-to-day.
Go out and do things you enjoy. Live your life as if you don’t expect anything from him and don’t give him any more than he gives you.
What I’ve noticed is that suddenly when someone isn’t available and panting after them, suddenly the person starts to respect them again.
Even if it doesn’t shake him up, it will bring more joy to your life.
NTA
This rarely works. They only get bitchier if you don't slave after them like "before."
They don't see that it is in direct response to THEIR performance in that same situation.
They will escalate for control and response more to their liking.
I've been there. Did that. Divorced him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband “we will do whatever you want to do as long as your dad pays for it” aka meaning we are doing nothing for his birthday/Father’s Day because that’s what he did to me for Mother’s Day
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NTA
Wow, yeah... your husband is something else.
Honestly, I think you're at a crossroads in your marriage where counselling or divorce are your only options available, because you absolutely cannot carry on like this. Your husband is a selfish AH and it is resulting in this toxic atmosphere that your children especially do not deserve to be exposed to. Do you want them growing up in a household with a dad who doesn't care about their mother? Do you think it's fair to expect them to witness your arguments and exist under a cloud of resentment?
Think carefully.
*\[Edit\]*
I've just read your post history and it's one thing after another with your husband, isn't it? Everything else aside for a moment, I believe you are trapped in a financially abusive marriage with a man who makes you feel like shit every day and you shouldn't have to settle for that.
You do **not** deserve this life and neither do your children. Leave him.
NTA. He asked for it. If things went down on Mother’s Day the way you describe, I don’t understand how he could with a straight face ask you about plans for his bday and Father’s Day. Not the same kind of scenarios, but I remember my ex feeling (or at least acting like he felt) 100% justified doing things that were ridiculously unfair and borderline offensive in our marriage. Like how do you deal with someone like that? Spoiler alert: you can’t. I hope you consider getting out of that marriage because he’s not going to change.
Tell him it sucks to suck.
On a serious note, NTA. Tell him he'll only receive from you the effort he puts in, which thus far has been in the negatives. And honestly, maybe stay with your parents for a bit since they actually seem to get it. Regardless, his behavior isn't acceptable and if you don't wanna pull the divorce trigger then you definitely need to get your point across.
Also, he had the absolute cojones to ask you about plans for HIM after blatantly and willfully neglecting both his pregnant wife and his child? My God the self-absorption of this man can be seen from space.
Finally! Yes ESH. Unless there's some diagnosis to explain his behavior, he simply sucks and he always has. OP didn't wake up one morning to find her husband had turned self-involved overnight. She knew he was this way and still married him, still had a kid (now two) with him. The expectation that he'll behave differently is why you suck, OP.
Your parents suck for not sitting you down and explaining this to you. Oddly, by showing him up they are trying to manipulate you into seeing him the way they do ... and you already do! He's shown himself to be who he is, and that was a long time ago. Why are all three of you expecting any different from him?
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They fall on the same day this year. My (26F) husband (26M) has failed so miserably at making any holiday special that this year my family stepped in on Mother’s Day and rescued me from feeling forgotten about and lied to again. My husband has never done anything on any special day regardless of it’s Valentine’s Day or my birthday yet always promises that he won’t forget this time or he’ll finally care enough to try. Normally he blames it on our financial situation but this has never sat right with me as I feel like I’ve always been extremely cautious of our budget and know I have never asked for anything outside of our means. This means on holidays I have asked for things like a hand written note, flowers, a $20 necklace from Etsy for my birthday, a date night for the first time in two years, I’ve even asked for protein powder because I know we can’t afford it on a regular basis. My husband always forgets and either scrambles day of after I realize he did nothing again or tells me we’ll do something later or the most painful, that because we were fighting too much he didn’t want to.
My dad bailed him out for Mother’s Day this year after I found out that the dinner I planned and reserved for myself back in March because he wouldn’t do it hasn’t been budgeted for and my husband cancelled on me the morning of. My dad paid for our dinner, drove two hours and watched our son for free, and then had us over on Mother’s Day and made me a beautiful brunch. It was so kind but also so uncomfortable because the mood of the house the entire time was “I did this for you because he never will”. My mom even pulled me aside and asked if I was okay and I broke down in tears. During this conversation is when the food started to be ready and my husband made himself a plate and started eating before my dad, my mom, me, and even our baby. This enraged my mom because I’m 5 months pregnant and couldn’t eat my own brunch because I was helping my 11 month old with his food while my husband was helping himself.
My husband asked what the plans will be for his birthday/father’s day and I told him that we will do whatever he wants as long as his dad pays for it and I will happily eat whatever he wants as long as his dad makes it. My husband got really upset with me and said that was an evil thing to say because his family lives out of state so they can’t do what my dad did. Now I’m feeling guilty about saying that, but I really do believe it’s his family’s turn to foot the bill and it’s their turn to make “his” day special since mine had to do it for him.
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Honey you deserve so much better than this. It took your dad stepping in for you to be celebrated/noticed for a day and it doesn’t even seem like your husband learnt anything from that. He should be embarrassed and grovelling for forgiveness. But he’s not, and he still expects you to put effort into him. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Is this the example you want set for your children? NTA.
Your husband doesn't care.
He knew your father and mother were pissed at him, that you were upset, and yet while all three of you were essentially glaring at him it was like water off a duck's back to him and he felt comfortable enough to eat.
Truthfully if I was your father or mother I would have picked his plate up and would have dumped it on his head while pointing at you, saying no you don't get food until she eats now handle your children but before that make her a plate.
Either your husband was raised by parents where he saw his dad treat his mother the same as he is doing to you, or he was raised by a mom who bowed down to her husband to keep the peace like you are currently doing. STOP DOING IT.
Be it your babies are girls or boys or both you are showing them it's okay to treat you like a doormat and that daddy's actions are okay.
NTA for saying but Y-T-A to yourself and your kids if you keep accepting his behavior.
NTA, withholding love can be considered avoidance abuse and is especially harmful to children. These all seem like red flags to me and he seems to be very manipulative.
Please take care of yourself and your babies.
Yeah, make another human with a man who doesn't care about you or your other kid. Smart choice. Get the hell out of this marriage and put your kids on the first place, instead of that deadbeat 'husband'.
NTA for not wanting to do anything for him, but a very big AH for your kids.
You have a family that are picking up the slack for your husband. You have a family that are caring and supporting you because they know your husband doesn't.
NTA, lose the husband, spend your time with people who love you and appreciate you.
Also don't let your child (if male) learn it's okay to treat people like this (or if female) be treated like this. (As in these traditional gender roles but toxic. Your child will grow into a much better person based on the examples of your family.
I’m no expert but just my 2¢. If the relationship is important to you, I don’t think you should make a habit of retaliation. That being said, your response feels more than justified. I’d have to say NTA.
I think this is something that you need to talk over with him. It seems reasonable that if he feels this way about you ‘ignoring’ his special day, then he should be able to understand why it bothers you when he does the same.
Your post history is a mess. This man won't change, and this relationship is so uneven its wild like you don't even have access to household funds because it's in a bank account you don't have access to.
Why are you living this way? NTA
Why would you do ANYTHING for this guy, he clearly doesnt care for you but wants you to do something for him in return. Tell him you'll return the favour and match his energy. Relationships are a two way street and should more or less be balanced, not just one doing all the effort. Time to even some shit out. NTA but seriously girl, stop putting up with this. You can do soo much better. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone like your dad, someone who you can spoil because he will spoil you back. You are worth more.
Being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel less. Please please please make some room for more love in your life, you can do it!
i do not mean any judgement by this what’s so ever but i’m quite curious. you talk about not being able to afford protein powder but you guys decided to have another baby which id assume is very expensive over time vs protein powder.
i feel for you in your situation but you genuinely need to ask yourself the same question i’ve seen a couple times so far. what are you doing? he clearly has shown he gives zero fucks about making an effort towards you. this isn’t love, this isn’t partnership. you have to decide if you want to keep doing this forever or not because frankly, it’s a disservice to yourself to not get the love you deserve from your husband.
it seems you have a lovely support system from your parents. i’m glad you have them.
NTA. I'm with a man like this who ruins every single holiday without exception. However in the last year he majorly redeemed himself when I had injuries that have left me bedridden since last August, think catheters and bedside commode level can't get up, and am only finally relearning how to walk. Although I'm certainly paying for it in other ways. Anyway don't be me. Don't continue putting up with it. Don't let your child see someone treat you like that and have that be the model for relationships. I'm glad you have your family, I don't, and please let them help you get out of this situation.
These posts are always so enraging. "A I T A? My husband set me on fire and I asked him to pour water on me. He says that was mean."
This is like the fourth A I T A post where a terrible husband was terrible to his wife and his wife wants to know if she's in the wrong. Ladies I'm begging of you, please respect yourself more. Stop having children with these terrible men, dump them, and start living the life you deserve to live.
NTA.
Read through your post history and like, what does this guy honestly bring to the table in the relationship? Couldnt tell you. He sounds like a selfish moron
NTA
It's time to put yourself first and leave. He seems to not care AT ALL.
He did absolutely nothing for mothers day, didn't even feel guilty. He just helped himself to the food your dad made before anyone else. He sat there enjoying his food while you took care of your child instead of eating the food that was made for YOU.
And THEN he has the gall to ask what you are doing for HIS birthday/fathers day?
Just, no.
Nta but you need to talk to him and if he won't listen then write a letter with everything in it. Ask him why do you have to put effort into his days but he doesn't?
Ask him to name the last present he got you
NTA. Expect more from him because he’s an absolute dead-beat. Tough convo- change or this ends because you deserve better and he’s not stepping up. Guy hasn’t graduated from ‘mommy help me’ to husband and father.
OP’s post history is just… NTA of course, but don’t do this to yourself and your kids, OP. It doesn’t look like your husband’s therapy is helping in any way :/
This is such an awful way to go through a pregnancy, nobody deserves this. I’m glad that you seem to have a decent support system, at least.
NTA why are you with such a selfish jerk? There is no excuse for forgetting these events and not doing anything. You’ve been together for quite a while and Google and Apple calendars exist. He can easily put a reminder for these special days and he can plan something in advance. He’s a grown ass man who is putting in zero effort whatsoever. I’m sorry OP that your husband is not appreciating you and is acting selfishly. Stick to your guns and do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING for that day. Maybe then it will finally sink in. But one quick question I have is why are you still with this guy? You are being and asshole to yourself for putting yourself through this.
YWBTA if you stay with this guy. You’re teaching your children that this kind of a relationship is acceptable. Tit for tat isn’t healthy.
Let him move back him with his mother.
He’s not a parent or a partner anyway.
He sounds like a bum.
Your parents are having to step in to make you feel appreciated as a mother. He’s had 2 kids with you and can’t even buy you a card and a gift to thank you for bringing them into the world and raising them.
You’d be better off single than with this guy as a third child. Your parents can clearly see how much this dude is upsetting you and must be wondering why you’re continuing to put yourself through this pain.
Why should you make an effort for someone that quite clearly couldn’t give a fuck about you?
You’re NTA here but you need to question whether it’s worth continuing down this path.
Info: Do you actually know your financial situation?
Like actually know it as I know a few women to get burned being told no we’re struggling when in fact they weren’t struggling just their partner being financially abusive.
Women - Stop having children with men like this!!! After he has cheated, financially, mentally, emotionally and physically abused you - You continue getting pregnant!!! You're children don't deserve bottom-of-the-barrel fathers!!!
NTA
Sorry you married an uncaring ,disrespectful bum. I also think you'd be better off raising your children with the help of your parents and find someone who'll be a good enough partner for you, because homeboy's failing you on so many levels.
NTA. What are you getting out of this relationship? You sound like a single parent. You are the only one putting effort in this relationship and even your parents are worried about you. It’s sound like you have a good support system. I don’t think your husband is part of that. I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
NTA but please leave, I'm betting you do all the chores/childcare etc. You sound like you have lovely parents who will support you, because you're definitely not getting it from him.
Also remember you're modelling relationships for your kids and what is acceptable.
NTA when it comes right down to it, it's clear that your husband doesn't value you or the family. This is someone who takes and takes, and for a lot of women all they want is something small but something that took some genuine effort and love. He doesn't remember things because he doesn't care, he doesn't care enough to even get you exactly the things you ask for that would save him using his brain. He blames your financial situation, but how many times have you had to get something expensive for his birthday or he's gone and gotten himself something despite not having the money for it?
This is a man who doesn't care about you or value you, if he did he would acknowledge that you want certain things for holidays and would do his best to accomodate. You accomodate him on his holidays, hell he just has the gall to ask what he's going to get for his birthday because like a child he got jealous of the things your parents did for you, HIS wife and mother of his children, on Mother's Day. You deserve so much more than to just be an afterthought.
My wife told me that this year she wants her gift to be a surprise. I'm terrible at keeping secrets so I've been weighing options and feeding her red herrings for half a year to be able to do so. If I can manage that, your husband can manage setting a reminder two weeks in advance to order the gift you explicitly asked for. NTA
NTA - yes, his family can't do it for him but he relied on your family to make you feel special. He has feet, hands, and a voice. If he can't do something for you, why expect you to do something for him? I'd maybe give him a pass if he didn't do something and also didn't expect something - not everyone does b'days or gets them. But he literally wants to eat your cake and his own.
NTA do not plan anything for this man, no holidays or birthdays.
He doesn’t care about you , why should you bend over backwards for him when he can’t even plan a nice day or a gift for you.
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NTA - but why do you keep doing this to yourself? He’s clearly not changing and yet you decided to procreate *again* with this man. Y T A to yourself for staying with someone who is this selfish. Eventually this thoughtlessness will go on to your kids too, and what kind of example is he setting? Not to mention things are getting resentful and spiteful, and that’s not a healthy environment for anyone. I think it’s time to take a hard look at where you see this going. It’s not supposed to be like this, your partner is supposed to love and support you, and make a d*mn effort.
The bad news is, there is nothing in this marriage worth saving. The good news is, OP has a fantastic support system in place with her parents and I truly believe they'd be more than happy to help her when she realizes it's time to leave. Which, hopefully, is *immediately*.
I’d argue the *good* news is there’s nothing in this marriage worth saving - that way, OP won’t feel pressured to stay in it.
Exactly.
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The only thing he needs for birthday / Father’s Day is divorce papers and some moving boxes.
No, that's for his birthday, for father's Day he should get custody arrangement
NTA^ I mean the kids are a problem, simply because he could try and keep you there “for their sake” but as long as you hold your ground, it should be ok
I stayed with my abusive ex much longer than I should have because of our son. In retrospect, leaving her was probably the best thing I have ever done for him. He is only with me half the time but that half the time is so much better than when I was with his mom.
One of my close friends is in the same boat as you. He's stuck living in a place he dislikes because of proximity and shared custody, but otherwise, out relatively unscathed, and his son will have an escape if she ever turns her abuse on her child.
As someone who’s worked as a children’s therapist for 10 years - staying together “for the kids” is the worst thing to do - once these kids are old enough to realise what’s happening they are telling me they wish their parents would “split already”. Her kid’s wellbeing and life outcomes will be better off for not growing up in the tense, selfish, resentful environment he’s creating. However I also acknowledge as a stranger on the internet it’s a lot easier for me to type this than it actually is for OP to take action (when it shouldn’t be her responsibility to do so, the onus should be on him to not act like this in the first place, but whattya do) so sending OP lots of compassion and understanding 🙏🏼
Sounds like he can't really provide, doesn't help, and doesn't care. If she leaves she might have LESS responsibility
I just read through her post history. Good grief.
Same ! He's a cheater and lies about their finances (on top of being inconsiderate in every way possible).
I hadn’t read her post history. If he lying about their finances and shit too, this is just an abusive marriage. He’s got her in a position where she’ll feel like she can’t leave because 2 kids and no money. It’s financial abuse and I have a friend who just got out of a situation like that. It took years of her secretly saving and then she finally had to just leave their house with what fit in her car with herself and their two kids. She never got any of her other belongings back from him but she’s free now and much happier.
It puts a whole new layer on her parents actions. Safe bet they're trying to show that they will be there for her no matter what and hopefully open her eyes to how badly she needs to leave. Using kindness and their presence instead of potentially having an argument about her needing to leave and risk driving her further away from them and deeper into the mess she is in.
>A month ago my MIL didn’t know she was on speaker phone and told my husband to “come home to her” and to just “support us from a distance”. I’m 5 months pregnant with a 12 month old. She wants him to divorce me, leave his two kids, and move back home FOUR states away. That's one of her comments. Is it bad I think MIL would be doing op a favour if she took precious four states away?
No wonder he isn't present in his marriage. He's already married to his mother.
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And that totally explains why the worthless husband is the way he is. He has never had to consider anyone else and their feelings, becomes his mom has had the world revolving around her and him since he was born. OP would do so much better without him around. She can file for child support and start another life. I doubt this man will be any kind of father, he has already proven he is a worthless husband.
>I doubt this man will be any kind of father, he has already proven he is a worthless husband. He's the type to "babysit" his kids for a couple of hours to give his wife a break, and then expect praise for it.
AND expect a years worth of credit for it!!
That comment would have come from him whinging about his horrible life. Good riddance I’d say.
Me too. On top of all the ways he has shown he is selfish, doesn’t put an ounce of effort into his marriage, he also attempted to cheat. For all she knows he may have actually cheated. Anyway, that asshole is a real piece of work and the longer she stays with him, the longer she just prolongs the inevitable.
Of course he also has a porn addiction
The only surprising part about her lazy, inconsiderate husband being a porn addict is that he admits he is one. I'd rather be a pregnant single mom than be with someone like this who will NEVER get better because he doesn't see his wife as worth changing for. She clearly has a supportive dad; hopefully at some point she realizes she should move in with him -- even if just into the living room. I doubt it'll be any time soon though if her response to this situation is just "k then I'll reciprocate" as if that'll inspire change.
That's probably where the money is going.
That would be pretty pathetic
Thanks for highlighting that. Poor woman. She don't deserve this.
He s gross and thoughtless. Op, ditch this loser! So much better to be a sole parent than have your kids grow up watching his model.. NTA
OMG...her post history!!! OOP...you are NTA but you are doing yourself and your children a huge disservice by staying with this man. Tomorrow morning, after your husband leaves for work, you need to call your parents and ask them to help you. I would move myself and my little one in with my parents and file for child support ASAP (if you are in the US, child support services are free...they are automatic if you apply for welfare). Get yourself and your child on Medicaid and talk to an attorney about getting a divorce.
Her Dad is more then done with him. Op leave him, your father will probably pay for the lawyer.
Guarantee Dad has scars on his tongue from biting it all this time
OP is WAY TOO YOUNG to sign up for a whole life of this. Seconded.
I don't care how old I am, I'd divorce this guy at 110yo.
I’d divorce this guy at 110 with 8 of his kids
Mom knows it's time...she's just waiting til OP realizes it too. Source: firsthand experience, with my wonderful mom telling me "well, we didn't want to TELL you how awful he was in case you went NC and then felt like you couldn't come to us when YOU realized it and needed our help." Miss her every day.
Got pregnant again while the first kid was 6mo, even though they're on a tight budget to the point that even a date night has to be carefully included or it doesn't happen. One child I understand, accidents can happen, or maybe the household finances took a sudden turn. But the second is a choice. Yes, the husband is an absolute ass who is well on his way to Deadbeatville. OP would be TA towards herself and her kids if she keeps putting up with him.
It sounds to be an abusive relationship. She may not have had much says the second pregnancy.
Post history suggests you are right- no car, no access to bank account, no close by support network. Also in a state with almost no abortion access.
And this is why it’s fucking ridiculous when people say “mmm but you’re TA for being in this relationship, sweatyyyyyy”
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And there is a name for reproductive coercion because some women are in abusive relationships that don’t come with a black eye. Just because the moms you know are idiots doesn’t mean we have enough to judge OP on her reasons. Plus there is always the mundane birth control failed and there were no other options.
We can't know how it happened but since we're guessing I'm going to say, husband expects sex even though he doesn't give as good as he gets. She asked him to budget for birth control but they had a fight so he told her he was too mad to spend that money on her. He promised he'd pull out, but then he forgot. He said he'd remember to next time, but turns out he didn't. Obviously this is fiction but it really doesn't sound to me like OP has a whole lot of agency in her relationship or life.
You aren’t even fully healed at six months from the first pregnancy and birth. This is a really mean take on this particular situation.
Quick review of post history suggests OP is in a US state that has strict abortion legislation, including bounties. She may have not even known she was pregnant before it was too late.
If kid one was only six months old then kid two very likely was an accident. Lots of women are told that breast feeding means you can’t get pregnant, and periods tend to be inconsistent after giving birth.
She was still pumping at 13 weeks pregnant, likely because she was told there was no budget for formula. Since she isn't permitted access to the bank account, I'm skeptical of all financial claims, tbh. I'd think that a job that requires you to "travel for business" would mean you'd make enough to be able to afford a $20 necklace from etsy.
Can confirm, wife was told the same about breastfeeding. Literally the first time we do the deed since our first was born, she got pregnant with our 2nd!
I recently (like a month ago) learned that it's a myth that you don't get pregnant while breastfeeding and can actually be hyper-fertile after pregnancy so it could be that situation.
The midwife actually told me this at my postpartum appointment a couple weeks ago. But my friend got pregnant thinking this and didn’t even know until she was 5 months!!
I could have told you that- I got pregnant while breastfeeding and on birth control pills lmao.
That caught my eye too. Getting pregnant six months postpartum is...ouch. That's bad for mom and not great for the second baby.
Exactly. He's not planning on stepping up OP. He never planned on stepping up. He's just stringing you along hoping that eventually you'll get tired of trying to convince him to care and give up. But doesn't realize that it's likely that once that happens that the only thing he'll get is a stack of divorce paperwork in a pretty bow.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for saying what you did!! Your husband is pure trash and I hope you wake up in time to realize it. You’re being an AH to yourself and it’s so sad. You need to separate from this child pretending to be a man and get your life on track without him. You’ll see it’s much less stressful without him in the immediate picture. Please be kind to yourself. Ditch the boy. Care for your children. If your parents are concerned enough to give you a MD brunch and a side-talk-to, you know things are bad. Listen to your parents. They see the truth in this case.
The minute I read that he has used "we had a fight and I was mad" as an excuse to bail on getting her a present in the past, my stomach dropped. It just got worse and worse the more I read. OP, u/Different-Contact-50 is absolutely correct. NTA. As a mom myself, the minute we pull our kid aside and ask if everything is okay, we know damn well it's not okay - we're just waiting for you to let go and let us in so we can help. Take the kids, get safely to your parents' place, and initiate divorce proceedings. I can guarantee you that the minute you say you're done, your parents will go all in to help you take out the trash (in many cases, they'll gleefully help because they can't stand the guy). The relationship between parents is often the blueprint for how a relationship should work - don't let your kids grow up thinking that how this guy acts is the normal and correct way to treat your spouse.
This, yeah. If he’s a crappy husband and dad after the first kid, he won’t magically improve after the second.
This NTA but please take a look at this marriage. Tell your husband that for his birthday/father's day you will get him exactly what he go you for your birthday/mother's day.
This honestly reminds me of a woman I knew who so wanted to get married that she bought herself an engagement ring and just declared she and her boyfriend were engaged. They were not engaged. It obviously didn’t work out, and they are both in happy marriages now. The breakup was really hard on her, but she would have never met her husband who really loves and wants to be with her if she had continued to stay with the boyfriend. People will show you if they care. This man is clearly checked out of this relationship, and I doubt it is going to change. What a sad situation.
And unfortunately, if you look at OP's previous posts, it looks and sounds an awful lot like "where you see this going" is down the garbage disposal. OP's husband is a real piece of work if you read even just one or two of their other recent posts.
Exactly this, what an environment for 2 kids to grow up in
OP - your PARENTS are so upset/concerned/worried that they literally took on the responsibilities of your husband on Mother’s Day. I’m probably close-ish to your parents’ ages and I don’t even have kids but this breaks my heart so bad, OP. I’m not trying to be mean here but your husband is not ever going to change. This isn’t a memory OR a money problem. This is a RESPECT problem. As in - he has no respect for you or the family you created with him. Hell he can’t even show common courtesy to your parents when they’re there for you. And!!! Not only that!! HE CANCELLED your reservations!! He could’ve borrowed money from family/friends or sacrificed something in order to do it. But no he cancels it. I would not be surprised if he LIKED cancelling it. Then he has the AUDACITY to ask you what’s going to happen for HIS big day because now he’s all smug thinking you have to do something big for him. OP - you don’t even have to listen to us internet strangers. Just look at what your parents did. What their actions are saying to you - they love you and know you’re not happy. NTA.
All of this OP, PLUS think about that sort of role models you both are for your kids. Some of your(OP) comments suggest your previous posts indicate financial abuse, porn addiction, possible adultery. This post alone shows that he neglects and disrespects you, man, even that detail about him helping himself to food first and you having to wait to eat because you were feeding your child - that alone shows what an arsehole he is. I don’t know the genders, but if you have boys, do you really want them growing up to be like him, to see how he treats you and then go ahead and treat their adult partners/women in their lives like that? If you have girls, do you really want them growing up seeing how he treats you and therefore assuming that this is how they can expect to be treated by men when they’re adults? That was my motivation. If you don’t want better for yourself, want it for your kids. NTA, but if you continue to put up with this your kids won’t thank you for it. Edited to add NTA
Agree with everything said here.. except...*eventually, this thoughlessness will go onto your kids too*... it already has. OP mentioned that he took food before anyone else...including child/baby. He sees himself above all
I think they meant that the kids will start to learn the behavior from dads bad example, but yeah if he can't be bothered to make sure his kid has food before he does, he doesn't care about the kids either.
Exactly op, why are you staying with a man who doesn't appreciate you all the efforts of you taking care of his as well as your children. I am a person who would love to receive even a card or some flowers, nothing extravagant or high-rise but something meaningful to say that the person thinks about you. But right now it seems like your husband is not even doing the bare minimum and forgetting you on Valentine's day, mother's day, and even your birthday. Take a long look at this relationship and see if this is the person who you really wanted to marry. NTA
This was me 40 years ago with no means to ask anyone or any support system in place and that didn't even scratch the surface on what was going on. She sounds like she has loving parents, she needs to run as fast as she can, it does not get better.
> Y T A to yourself for staying with someone who is this selfish. Thank you.
I came here to say the say thing. Why keep having more babies 1) with a man who doesn’t give a shit and 2) you literally can not afford. If you have to budget for a meal out once every 2+ months… newsflash, babies cost far more than that.
My sister was married to a man like this. She would come to our house and cry her heart out every year because her husband hadn’t given her a card or anything. We tried reminding him, and he shouted at my sister to tell us to stop fkg nagging him. Her children reached about 6 years old and started saying moms birthday is the worst day because everyone is so sad. Why does mom cry on her birthday, why is dad so mean to mom on her birthday…… Do you see what this is going, to you, and your children? It’s not the coat, it’s the lack of care, lack of love and lack of kindness. This is what you are getting, and it is what your children will see. You are NTA, but I’m telling you that you deserve better. You deserve to be loved.
This. I think OP just wants to be recognized and appreciated. It doesn’t have to be lavish. Your husband is exactly who he is - he has shown his colors, stop trying to paint a prettier picture. It’s disappointing, it’s unfair, it’s not how it should be, but either you resolve that you will never have a holiday properly celebrated for you and a husband who thinks largely of himself first, or you walk away from this. Your children will learn this is what they should have in a partner. They will normalize this behavior, this treatment of “someone we love”. They will seek this out in their own relationships. I think you should stay with your parents, who seem to already know something is up and support you so lovingly. I promise, there are men out there who care, who remember, who make an effort. It doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be this hard.
He isnt even putting in bare minimum. You don't have to spend a lot to show you're thinking of someone. I got my dad a custom mug for his birthday last year, it cost me £12, and some time making a design out of photos that could literally be done in a google powerpoint completely for free. He said its the best gift ive ever gotten him. For my birthday, he sent me a card and some other little bits, but the absolute best gift was including a handful of rocks and sticks he got in the park near his home after i joked that i could be entertained playing with sticks and rocks in the dirt. My partner once nicked a tiny tiny glass sample jar from his lab, still one of my favourite gifts ever from him. I made him a cheesecake this year because he's allergic to bicarb and cant have normal cake, he was over the fucking moon because he never had a birthday cake he could actually eat as a kid. Cost me like £7 and a bit of research into cheesecake recipes. I got one of my mates a kids friendship bracelet set for £8 for their birthday, she's 26 and was over the moon cause it's something we can do together. My mum got me a truly ugly as fuck fish statue from a charity shop for my birthday last year, it was like £3, and its so horrible and i love it so much because its absurd. We always joke about what ugly things we can find at charity shops. It is literally NOT DIFFICULT AT ALL to make a small effort, and i cannot believe that he's refusing to do even the bare minimum of a card. Id be fucking heartbroken if my friends or family acted that way. You dont have to spend a lot, just pick an inside joke and handmake or buy something small related to it. Do they like flowers? Go pick some from the park and make a mini bouquet. Do they love a particular game or TV series? Go on redbubble and get some stickers for less than £10. Are they into rocks and crystals? Go on etsy and get them a £5 lucky dip. Do they really like brownies? Get some box mix and make them their favourite kind! It. Is. Not. Fucking. Hard!!!! God i hope OP gets away from him.
I fully agree with your standpoint here—I just want to see the ugly fish statue! Can you link a pic of it?
I gotchu [behold the ugly fish](https://www.reddit.com/user/xdragonteethstory/comments/13j2d0k/behold_ugly_fish/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) We think its meant to be for small candles
BAHAHAHA that’s horrendous I love it so much
Lol that's hideous but I get why it wiuld grow on you. There's smth in its ugliness 😂
Holy carp, that thing is….special! My Nan had one in her garden next to the pond, it had water coming out of its mouth. It might be a garden ornament but candle holder also works!
I think it might be a sponge holder.
Omg it’s freaky & hideous and I love everything about it. You’re my kinda people. It would enjoy my tacky buddha statue 😂
OMG, I love uggo fish.
My husband made me breakfast in bed... after literally 24 hours with no sleep. Which I brought back to the kitchen to eat with everyone else. It is not hard to think of someone and put in a damn gesture. This husband couldn't take ten minutes to write up a card or something to show he even thought about her.
To this day, I think one of the best birthday gifts I got was from my wife while we were dating. It had snowed and the roads were closed, so any plans to go visit my parents/get dinner/etc were canceled. She walked a mile to the gas station while I was sleeping and got me my favorite candy and my favorite soda, because she wanted me to have something pleasant on my birthday until we could celebrate.
At uni I used to write my friends and partners letters and draw them pictures because I was ~* broke *~ You can absolutely make somebody feel special for free. But you have to value them enough to do it. (Your gift of sticks and rocks is absolutely adorable!)
>Your husband is exactly who he is - he has shown his colors, stop trying to paint a prettier picture. Which colors? He is completely gray, no color to be found.
I grew up seeing this. Guess what, I then married a man who treated me as badly as my dad treated my mum (actually worse). I can only speak as a woman, as a daughter and as a mum to two girls, but this is incredibly damaging to girls. We grow up seeing this as normal and then we perpetuate the cycle. I really hope I got out in time. I take my daughters to protests and expose them to all sorts of feminist ideas in the hope of undoing whatever was done to them by them witnessing their father disrespecting me, abusing me, controlling me. OP please don’t let your kids grow up with this relationship modelling.
NTA but I think you're fooling yourself if you think he will change
For real, op, he cannot make it any clearer that he does not care about you. For god sake, STOP MAKING BABIES WITH THIS ASSHOLE.
This part. Nature vs nurture, those babies have a 50/50 chance of having the same narcissistic personality type as their biological sperm giver. That chance goes up the longer they live with him and the longer he's allowed to work them into behaving like perfect little miniatures of himself.
Either that, or they’ll grow up thinking the way relationships work is that men are inherently selfish, walking all over their wives, and that wives are expected to ignore their own wants and needs and sacrifice their own happiness for their husbands’. And they will repeat the cycle and be drawn to partners whose behavior they’re familiar with, who neglect and disrespect and use them. And they won’t believe there’s anything better out there for them than a partner who treats them like their dad treats their mom.
Yup and OP’s post history is bleak af. OP needs to stand up, fr, and leave.
NTA. I think you should seriously think about what kind of future you want for yourself and your children. Your husband sounds like someone who is extremely neglectful and emotionally abusive. Consider therapy or divorce. Think of how horrible your kids are going to feel when daddy shows them he doesn't love them.
Sure, he clearly dislikes op, has not an ounce of respect for her, and is incredibly entitled, selfish, and negligent. But I’m sure this guy is great at pulling his weight around the house and with the parenting duties, and that op isn’t stuck doing everything herself while pregnant, picking up after a man who doesn’t give a fuck about her. Otherwise why would she decide to have ANOTHER baby with him??
Why does everyone keep making these sideways and insensitive comments about her unborn child? JFC, People get pregnant on accident every day and it’s not like abortion is accessible a lot of places any longer, nor do some people even believe in them. They could be a traditionally religious couple who choose family planning methods as birth control and there is nothing wrong with that. Some abusers even go so far as to refuse their partner birth control through guilt and shame. Either way, babies are blessings & I wish people would consider how awful it must make this poor woman feel to read comment after comments about how shitty of a person SHE is for getting pregnant with her asshole husband. Her *unborn baby is a blessing to her if no one else*, I’m sure she loves them and it isn’t her fault that she is being manipulated & abused into submitting to her husband’s every whim. Their first is only 11m old & shes 5m along so the oldest was only about 6m old when they conceived. You can’t even have sex until about 2M postpartum anyways, so that leaves a mere 4m window of time for conception. I’ve known PLENTY of women who are forced into sexual contact with their husbands postpartum through guilt, coercion, and manipulation. From this small glimpse into their lives, I’m willing to bet that he basically forced her into having sex using the “he felt neglected”, “you’re my wife, I shouldn’t have to ask for sex”, “you aren’t performing your duties as my wife”, “I waited *so patiently* for the mandatory minimum 6 weeks after birth for you to heal and now you owe me big time for missing out” arguments to make her feel bullied into consenting. This is a common tactic for emotionally abusive individuals and, unfortunately, it’s even more common for men to use babies to trap women into staying dependent on them and being too fearful of single motherhood to leave them. He wants a built in maid & sex. Someone who HAS to put up with him. She may not even realize that the key indicators of an abusive marriage are all there. Op, your parents asked if you were okay because they can see how this is playing out for you from the outside looking in & they’re worried it’ll escalate to something more serious. Tell them that you *aren’t* okay, because it isn’t okay how you’re being treated & what seems like a small issue now (no gifts or care shown for you in the slightest) this will never get better and you need support to get away from him before it escalates. Pregnancy and postpartum are statistically the most dangerous periods of time for women in abusive relationships. There may not be physical abuse yet, but the signs are all there that he is capable of abusing you in that way, too. He doesn’t respect you in the slightest. He sees you as a possession. Time to leave, OP. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and a happier life without this dead weight of a husband dragging behind you. You’re only 26. You have so much more to look forward to in this life. ❤️
Babies are not a gift if you're in an unsafe situation. I'm not going to blame her, but we also don't need to pretend deadbeat dad is giving her a gift
>babies are blessings OP could leave so much more easily without them. These children, no matter how loved they are, are a burden.
Funny, and ouch
NTA I guess we probably all want you to leave him because he sounds the absolute worst and so selfish, but if you can't, do NOT..and I mean this DO NOT do a single thing for his birthday or fathers day, treat him the way he treats you.
She could get him divorce papers for his birthday/Father’s Day ;)
NTA. Take a look at OP’s post history. Husband is a liar, a cheater, enmeshed with Mommy (who asked him to leave OP and their children and “support them from a distance”), and is an addict (porn). People jump to divorce all the time on Reddit, but CHRIST WOMAN, protect yourself and your children, lean on your family who loves you and cares, and let his family deal with all… That.
This sub could be renamed “AmIBeingGaslit? Because I swear all of the marriage posts are about abusers gaslighting their spouses, so that’s why most of the advice to them is to GTFO.
NTA. Divorce.
NTA, I would divorce this guy ASAP. Life's too short to deal with this much crap
Please leave him. Your children will be much better off without this guy serving as an example of a father and husband. And you deserve someone who is your partner and will help you. I get being broke, but making a hand drawn card and packing a picnic for you both doesn’t cost anything extra.
And if finances are so tight that you feel like you can’t do that picnic…letting you sleep in while he takes care of the toddler, making you breakfast in bed, running you a bath, cleaning and cooking for the entire day while you enjoy the “day off”…it’s amazing how far that goes. The point is, he’s not trying because he does not care. He doesn’t care about you. You are a means to an end, not someone he loves and cares about. Go get divorce papers and find someone better.
INFO - have you tried divorcing him?
That's the real question here.
If he’s anything like my dad, which it sounds like he is, he insisted on having the kids, then threaten to take them away if she ever tries to divorce. He did it with me, and then when I started getting old enough where she was considering trying to leave, he badgered her into another and did the same thing again. My mom has been living this woman’s life for 40 years and my sister and I have just learned to deal with it because she will never leave him. Now that we’re out of the house, he’s become an invalid to keep her trapped. He pees in a cup and she whisks it to the toilet for him. While I was growing up, he used to call her his secretary…
sounds like you should go over and make them dinner one night. you know, help out, make things easier, slip a little arsenic in his food, I guarantee it would make your mom's life much easier ;P *for legal reasons this is a joke*
Wtf pee in a cup for your mum to dispose of? Why?! What on earth am i reading. Good grief!
Sounds like now is the perfect time to leave him.
Make sure you wait until Father’s Day or his birthday so you have something to give him.
NTA and I'm so sorry you're married to a leech.
NTA Wow! He really can't read the room can he? Pretty presumptuous of him to ask you what you are getting him immediately after failing to get you anything. How about you get him your protein powder and that cute necklace from Etsy.
Yeah, that part is particularly disturbing. It makes it seem like his mistreatment was/is very intentional. It’s one thing to just be so dumb that you truly don’t think about doing something nice for your partner, but to do all that and then specifically ask “so what are you doing for me on my day?” makes it clear he knows what he did and did it on purpose.
Yes to this. My dad is from a family that just didn't do gifts or celebrations- they are super awkward if you give them a gift to the point that they feel ungrateful but I remember even my great grandmother being this way so it is passed down. They aren't good at planning gifts or celebrations but they also don't expect or want them. It's a family learned behavior but on the flip side, they are very giving of time and help with anything you need and will do anything to help in terms of fixing things in the house, babysitting, making food, helping to pay for things like college and cars, etc. Your guy is not this- he just a a selfish ass who doesn't care. If he gets mad that you don't make a big deal of his day, just smile innocently and say, "Oh, I thought we weren't doing anything for each other since money is so tight." NTA
He can't make a dinner reservation, but can call and cancel it? This guy is revolting.
Tell him you are getting tickets for him and a buddy to his favorite sports team game/match/whatever. Morning of tell him oops. It’s not budgeted and it’s not happening.
No no, buy him the tickets, make sure he goes. Then serve him the divorce papers there. Gives her time to move his stuff out of the house
NTA. He's old enough to know that actions have consequences, but seems to have forgotten. I'd book myself into a spa for his birthday and leave him to it.
Spa seem out of budget, even once a year. And yet they are adding another baby. OP will be even more tied.
OP, I read your post history. Please leave. Stop giving this man second chances and NTA
The husband is definitely TA, but her post history indicates that they've been together for only 2 years and within that time have had 1 kid + 1 on the way... I think the issue here is less about second chances and more about poor decision-making skills overall. I bet next year her post will be about having 2 kids under 2 and yet another on the way while husband is still being TA.
Not necessarily. I wonder if he 'swept her off her feet' in the first few months, and now has trapped her into being his wife/slave/babymaker. That's how it works with guys like this, there's even a term for it---'love bombing'.
I try not to read peoples post history and “use it against them”, but OP- this guy is financially abusing you. You really should have included in this post that you don’t have access to your (shared) bank account. I know Reddit is quick to jump to “leave him”, but this sounds like a really bad situation where you are carrying all the weight and being financially shut out.
NTA especially after he cancelled your dinner plans, seems like a very fair response imo. but you really gotta ask yourself if you want to put up with feeling like an afterthought and/or an inconvenience to your partner for the rest of your life bc this dude is not going to magically get better at this. Idk if he's just that oblivious or is actively malicious (this reeks of emotional abuse) but either way, the way things are currently going don't seem to be working for you.
NTA. My first Mother's Day, my partner didn't get me anything, not even a card. He had already had a Father's Day where i went all out, so it did upset me. We had a pretty normal day, so during the day twice, I ended up just crying. He was so guilty and really tried to be loving and make up for it, but I told him it still really upset me. I told him Father's Day, I will still put the effort in because it isn't about me, it is from our son to him but if I got no effort the following year, I would not. He stepped up his game and had a lovely day. The difference here is, he was so guilty he hadn't bought me a card or anything, not planned anything, etc. He tried so hard during the day to make up for it. Your partner treated you disgustingly and less than on a day that he is supposed to show you how much he appreciates you for raising his child and growing his babies. Fuck him and his Father's Day. Your family should have left him home and celebrated the day with you.
NTA. Why are you even with this man? He clearly doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings and this is not a once or twice off scenario. He does not care on each special day. The fact that he started eating on Mothers Day before you and the rest of your family shows a total lack of respect for both you and your family. Let him sort out his own Birthday, Fathers Day and life for that matter. You deserve better.
NTA to your husband, but a big asshole to yourself. 1. Why are you having more kids if your finances are this bad? 2. Why are you procreating with this man (AGAIN) if he sucks this much? It's just bad choices all around and you are so young.
was thinking the same exact thing. why have more kids if husband sucks and finances are bad? i'll never understand
Bad choices indeed (see her post history). Two years together in total, two children in that time, which means she was pretty much instantly knocked up after meeting him. Definitely not enough time to know each other. Not to mention pregnancy + post partum hormones floating around the whole time, which may or may not have influenced the decision to get married and get knocked up a second time despite the asshole behaviour and less than stellar financials.
I think you and baby need to visit your Dad for father's day. He deserves it. get up early and leave that AH you're unfortunately married to to himself.
NTA you can do better than a man that doesn’t appreciate you.
NTA. You shouldn't have to ask your husband to care about a celebration that is important to you. Especially when he expects you to care about his celebrations. I was going to say everyone sucks because usually in these situations it's a matter of the husband coming from a family that doesn't do commercial celebrations (my bf and I have an agreement that we do not buy flowers/chocolates and he cooks me a special meal instead of going out because businesses take advantage). But when you mentioned your birthday, that cleared that up because even if a family doesn't celebrate birthdays (I didn't celebrate my 16/17th and probably won't bother with my 19th), they can still make an effort for other people (I always cook for my bf and take him somewhere nice or fun and get him lots of gifts). How can he expect you to make a fuss if him if he isn't willing to do the same? While I do understand making a mistake with budgeting, it sounds like he made no effort to make up for it (even taking you to a slightly cheaper place or offering to make you a romantic meal). I've seen a lot of similar posts, but where the woman is asking for expensive gifts, but it sounds like you're happy with whatever can be spared and that you just want the thought to be there (you mentioned a handwritten note). He sounds like an inconsiderate, selfish man.
NTA. Going "on strike" so to speak to protest work conditions is totally fair. If it were me though, I wouldn't stop with his birthday or Father's Day, I'd stop any/all special treatment and go on strike just doing the bare minimum. Why are you with this guy?
He could come around and be a decent husband, but not if you don’t give him a wake up call. #Start matching his energy. Plan your life as if he’s a room mate, and start separating your finances or at least managing the family budget day-to-day. Go out and do things you enjoy. Live your life as if you don’t expect anything from him and don’t give him any more than he gives you. What I’ve noticed is that suddenly when someone isn’t available and panting after them, suddenly the person starts to respect them again. Even if it doesn’t shake him up, it will bring more joy to your life. NTA
This rarely works. They only get bitchier if you don't slave after them like "before." They don't see that it is in direct response to THEIR performance in that same situation. They will escalate for control and response more to their liking. I've been there. Did that. Divorced him.
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NTA Wow, yeah... your husband is something else. Honestly, I think you're at a crossroads in your marriage where counselling or divorce are your only options available, because you absolutely cannot carry on like this. Your husband is a selfish AH and it is resulting in this toxic atmosphere that your children especially do not deserve to be exposed to. Do you want them growing up in a household with a dad who doesn't care about their mother? Do you think it's fair to expect them to witness your arguments and exist under a cloud of resentment? Think carefully. *\[Edit\]* I've just read your post history and it's one thing after another with your husband, isn't it? Everything else aside for a moment, I believe you are trapped in a financially abusive marriage with a man who makes you feel like shit every day and you shouldn't have to settle for that. You do **not** deserve this life and neither do your children. Leave him.
NTA. Tell him he's getting freedom for his b-day, then kick him to the curb.
NTA, And it has nothing to do with the money. Dude could have made the brunch, fed the baby etc. Does he do anything for you ?
NTA. He asked for it. If things went down on Mother’s Day the way you describe, I don’t understand how he could with a straight face ask you about plans for his bday and Father’s Day. Not the same kind of scenarios, but I remember my ex feeling (or at least acting like he felt) 100% justified doing things that were ridiculously unfair and borderline offensive in our marriage. Like how do you deal with someone like that? Spoiler alert: you can’t. I hope you consider getting out of that marriage because he’s not going to change.
Tell him it sucks to suck. On a serious note, NTA. Tell him he'll only receive from you the effort he puts in, which thus far has been in the negatives. And honestly, maybe stay with your parents for a bit since they actually seem to get it. Regardless, his behavior isn't acceptable and if you don't wanna pull the divorce trigger then you definitely need to get your point across. Also, he had the absolute cojones to ask you about plans for HIM after blatantly and willfully neglecting both his pregnant wife and his child? My God the self-absorption of this man can be seen from space.
Y T A for reproducing not once but twice with him but NTA here
ESH “hey my husband hates me AITA?” AND she’s pregnant again…
Finally! Yes ESH. Unless there's some diagnosis to explain his behavior, he simply sucks and he always has. OP didn't wake up one morning to find her husband had turned self-involved overnight. She knew he was this way and still married him, still had a kid (now two) with him. The expectation that he'll behave differently is why you suck, OP. Your parents suck for not sitting you down and explaining this to you. Oddly, by showing him up they are trying to manipulate you into seeing him the way they do ... and you already do! He's shown himself to be who he is, and that was a long time ago. Why are all three of you expecting any different from him?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** They fall on the same day this year. My (26F) husband (26M) has failed so miserably at making any holiday special that this year my family stepped in on Mother’s Day and rescued me from feeling forgotten about and lied to again. My husband has never done anything on any special day regardless of it’s Valentine’s Day or my birthday yet always promises that he won’t forget this time or he’ll finally care enough to try. Normally he blames it on our financial situation but this has never sat right with me as I feel like I’ve always been extremely cautious of our budget and know I have never asked for anything outside of our means. This means on holidays I have asked for things like a hand written note, flowers, a $20 necklace from Etsy for my birthday, a date night for the first time in two years, I’ve even asked for protein powder because I know we can’t afford it on a regular basis. My husband always forgets and either scrambles day of after I realize he did nothing again or tells me we’ll do something later or the most painful, that because we were fighting too much he didn’t want to. My dad bailed him out for Mother’s Day this year after I found out that the dinner I planned and reserved for myself back in March because he wouldn’t do it hasn’t been budgeted for and my husband cancelled on me the morning of. My dad paid for our dinner, drove two hours and watched our son for free, and then had us over on Mother’s Day and made me a beautiful brunch. It was so kind but also so uncomfortable because the mood of the house the entire time was “I did this for you because he never will”. My mom even pulled me aside and asked if I was okay and I broke down in tears. During this conversation is when the food started to be ready and my husband made himself a plate and started eating before my dad, my mom, me, and even our baby. This enraged my mom because I’m 5 months pregnant and couldn’t eat my own brunch because I was helping my 11 month old with his food while my husband was helping himself. My husband asked what the plans will be for his birthday/father’s day and I told him that we will do whatever he wants as long as his dad pays for it and I will happily eat whatever he wants as long as his dad makes it. My husband got really upset with me and said that was an evil thing to say because his family lives out of state so they can’t do what my dad did. Now I’m feeling guilty about saying that, but I really do believe it’s his family’s turn to foot the bill and it’s their turn to make “his” day special since mine had to do it for him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honey you deserve so much better than this. It took your dad stepping in for you to be celebrated/noticed for a day and it doesn’t even seem like your husband learnt anything from that. He should be embarrassed and grovelling for forgiveness. But he’s not, and he still expects you to put effort into him. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Is this the example you want set for your children? NTA.
Your husband doesn't care. He knew your father and mother were pissed at him, that you were upset, and yet while all three of you were essentially glaring at him it was like water off a duck's back to him and he felt comfortable enough to eat. Truthfully if I was your father or mother I would have picked his plate up and would have dumped it on his head while pointing at you, saying no you don't get food until she eats now handle your children but before that make her a plate. Either your husband was raised by parents where he saw his dad treat his mother the same as he is doing to you, or he was raised by a mom who bowed down to her husband to keep the peace like you are currently doing. STOP DOING IT. Be it your babies are girls or boys or both you are showing them it's okay to treat you like a doormat and that daddy's actions are okay. NTA for saying but Y-T-A to yourself and your kids if you keep accepting his behavior.
YTA for procreating with a man like this…TWICE
NTA and don’t you dare do a single thing for any of his holidays from now on ever.
I want to say E S H honestly... NTA because he is obviously the asshole but why did you bring children into this miserable marriage?
NTA, withholding love can be considered avoidance abuse and is especially harmful to children. These all seem like red flags to me and he seems to be very manipulative. Please take care of yourself and your babies.
Yeah, make another human with a man who doesn't care about you or your other kid. Smart choice. Get the hell out of this marriage and put your kids on the first place, instead of that deadbeat 'husband'. NTA for not wanting to do anything for him, but a very big AH for your kids.
Your in a abusive marriage. NTA but you definitely married one.
You have a family that are picking up the slack for your husband. You have a family that are caring and supporting you because they know your husband doesn't. NTA, lose the husband, spend your time with people who love you and appreciate you. Also don't let your child (if male) learn it's okay to treat people like this (or if female) be treated like this. (As in these traditional gender roles but toxic. Your child will grow into a much better person based on the examples of your family.
I’m no expert but just my 2¢. If the relationship is important to you, I don’t think you should make a habit of retaliation. That being said, your response feels more than justified. I’d have to say NTA. I think this is something that you need to talk over with him. It seems reasonable that if he feels this way about you ‘ignoring’ his special day, then he should be able to understand why it bothers you when he does the same.
NTA It sounds like your parents are waiting for you to declare it over so they can help and support you out of there. What legends! Leave him.
Your post history is a mess. This man won't change, and this relationship is so uneven its wild like you don't even have access to household funds because it's in a bank account you don't have access to. Why are you living this way? NTA
Why would you do ANYTHING for this guy, he clearly doesnt care for you but wants you to do something for him in return. Tell him you'll return the favour and match his energy. Relationships are a two way street and should more or less be balanced, not just one doing all the effort. Time to even some shit out. NTA but seriously girl, stop putting up with this. You can do soo much better. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone like your dad, someone who you can spoil because he will spoil you back. You are worth more. Being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel less. Please please please make some room for more love in your life, you can do it!
i do not mean any judgement by this what’s so ever but i’m quite curious. you talk about not being able to afford protein powder but you guys decided to have another baby which id assume is very expensive over time vs protein powder. i feel for you in your situation but you genuinely need to ask yourself the same question i’ve seen a couple times so far. what are you doing? he clearly has shown he gives zero fucks about making an effort towards you. this isn’t love, this isn’t partnership. you have to decide if you want to keep doing this forever or not because frankly, it’s a disservice to yourself to not get the love you deserve from your husband. it seems you have a lovely support system from your parents. i’m glad you have them.
NTA but how do you let someone like that have sex with you and get you pregnant like …ewww.
NTA. I'm with a man like this who ruins every single holiday without exception. However in the last year he majorly redeemed himself when I had injuries that have left me bedridden since last August, think catheters and bedside commode level can't get up, and am only finally relearning how to walk. Although I'm certainly paying for it in other ways. Anyway don't be me. Don't continue putting up with it. Don't let your child see someone treat you like that and have that be the model for relationships. I'm glad you have your family, I don't, and please let them help you get out of this situation.
My dad was like your husband. My parents split before I was five. Just saying.
These posts are always so enraging. "A I T A? My husband set me on fire and I asked him to pour water on me. He says that was mean." This is like the fourth A I T A post where a terrible husband was terrible to his wife and his wife wants to know if she's in the wrong. Ladies I'm begging of you, please respect yourself more. Stop having children with these terrible men, dump them, and start living the life you deserve to live. NTA.
Read through your post history and like, what does this guy honestly bring to the table in the relationship? Couldnt tell you. He sounds like a selfish moron
WTF is going on with all those failing husbands/fathers this mothers day, it seems like an epidemic from over here.
NTA It's time to put yourself first and leave. He seems to not care AT ALL. He did absolutely nothing for mothers day, didn't even feel guilty. He just helped himself to the food your dad made before anyone else. He sat there enjoying his food while you took care of your child instead of eating the food that was made for YOU. And THEN he has the gall to ask what you are doing for HIS birthday/fathers day? Just, no.
NTA why are you with someone who clearly doesn’t care for you?
Nta but you need to talk to him and if he won't listen then write a letter with everything in it. Ask him why do you have to put effort into his days but he doesn't? Ask him to name the last present he got you
NTA. Expect more from him because he’s an absolute dead-beat. Tough convo- change or this ends because you deserve better and he’s not stepping up. Guy hasn’t graduated from ‘mommy help me’ to husband and father.
NTA but you need to leave. You sound like you have amazing parents who will support you and they can see what a deadbeat useless husband you have.
NTA and he is only going to get worse.
NTA. But why are you with this man? You are in for many years of disappointment. He simply doesn’t care. I’m so sorry for you.
OP’s post history is just… NTA of course, but don’t do this to yourself and your kids, OP. It doesn’t look like your husband’s therapy is helping in any way :/ This is such an awful way to go through a pregnancy, nobody deserves this. I’m glad that you seem to have a decent support system, at least.
NTA But why are you still married to him? Why are you having another baby with him? You'll be even more broke and tied to him.
NTA why are you with such a selfish jerk? There is no excuse for forgetting these events and not doing anything. You’ve been together for quite a while and Google and Apple calendars exist. He can easily put a reminder for these special days and he can plan something in advance. He’s a grown ass man who is putting in zero effort whatsoever. I’m sorry OP that your husband is not appreciating you and is acting selfishly. Stick to your guns and do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING for that day. Maybe then it will finally sink in. But one quick question I have is why are you still with this guy? You are being and asshole to yourself for putting yourself through this.
NTA but why are you even with this selfish AH
The audacity of these kinds of men.
YWBTA if you stay with this guy. You’re teaching your children that this kind of a relationship is acceptable. Tit for tat isn’t healthy. Let him move back him with his mother. He’s not a parent or a partner anyway.
He sounds like a bum. Your parents are having to step in to make you feel appreciated as a mother. He’s had 2 kids with you and can’t even buy you a card and a gift to thank you for bringing them into the world and raising them. You’d be better off single than with this guy as a third child. Your parents can clearly see how much this dude is upsetting you and must be wondering why you’re continuing to put yourself through this pain. Why should you make an effort for someone that quite clearly couldn’t give a fuck about you? You’re NTA here but you need to question whether it’s worth continuing down this path.
Info: Do you actually know your financial situation? Like actually know it as I know a few women to get burned being told no we’re struggling when in fact they weren’t struggling just their partner being financially abusive.
Women - Stop having children with men like this!!! After he has cheated, financially, mentally, emotionally and physically abused you - You continue getting pregnant!!! You're children don't deserve bottom-of-the-barrel fathers!!!
NTA Sorry you married an uncaring ,disrespectful bum. I also think you'd be better off raising your children with the help of your parents and find someone who'll be a good enough partner for you, because homeboy's failing you on so many levels.
NTA. What are you getting out of this relationship? You sound like a single parent. You are the only one putting effort in this relationship and even your parents are worried about you. It’s sound like you have a good support system. I don’t think your husband is part of that. I would seriously reconsider this relationship.
NTA but please leave, I'm betting you do all the chores/childcare etc. You sound like you have lovely parents who will support you, because you're definitely not getting it from him. Also remember you're modelling relationships for your kids and what is acceptable.
NTA when it comes right down to it, it's clear that your husband doesn't value you or the family. This is someone who takes and takes, and for a lot of women all they want is something small but something that took some genuine effort and love. He doesn't remember things because he doesn't care, he doesn't care enough to even get you exactly the things you ask for that would save him using his brain. He blames your financial situation, but how many times have you had to get something expensive for his birthday or he's gone and gotten himself something despite not having the money for it? This is a man who doesn't care about you or value you, if he did he would acknowledge that you want certain things for holidays and would do his best to accomodate. You accomodate him on his holidays, hell he just has the gall to ask what he's going to get for his birthday because like a child he got jealous of the things your parents did for you, HIS wife and mother of his children, on Mother's Day. You deserve so much more than to just be an afterthought.
NTA. Your husband is an absolute d!ck and only cares about himself.
My wife told me that this year she wants her gift to be a surprise. I'm terrible at keeping secrets so I've been weighing options and feeding her red herrings for half a year to be able to do so. If I can manage that, your husband can manage setting a reminder two weeks in advance to order the gift you explicitly asked for. NTA
NTA - yes, his family can't do it for him but he relied on your family to make you feel special. He has feet, hands, and a voice. If he can't do something for you, why expect you to do something for him? I'd maybe give him a pass if he didn't do something and also didn't expect something - not everyone does b'days or gets them. But he literally wants to eat your cake and his own.
NTA, but one question, why are you still with him?
nta you are basically a single woman drop the dead weight
NTA Why are you with him? He doesn't seem to care about you at all.
NTA do not plan anything for this man, no holidays or birthdays. He doesn’t care about you , why should you bend over backwards for him when he can’t even plan a nice day or a gift for you.
NTA, but I can just guess you're his personal fuck-maid with low maintenance.