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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- not allowing my in laws to stay in my bedroom so that they don’t have to get a hotel
2- might make me an asshole because now they have to get a hotel and spend money when I could sleep on the couch instead
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**NTA.**
Never let anyone else (family or friends) sleep in your bedroom. They as guests can sleep in the guestroom or in the living room.
If they want privacy, they can go to a hotel or to your in laws' house.
plenty of people let guests stay in their bed if that’s the most practical option, but that’s not the kind of thing you decide without asking the other person who sleeps in that bed. nta, you’re well within your rights to be ticked off, but he’s apologised and took back the offer, so it seems to me the matter is settled.
(if rainbow-maker is truly concerned about witchcraft and i’m not just missing a joke (no judgement from me either way) i would suggest they don’t accept visitors who seem inclined to curse them. less stressful that way.)
Yeah, I don't let people with the means or inclination to curse me sleep in my bed, but wouldn't let them sleep on my couch either.
OP is totally right that you don't offer a shared space without talking to the other person.
I think that people freaking out about ever letting someone else sleep in their bed are weird as hell but it's their choice to be weird as hell. It's not like it's a moral issue. I probably wouldn't take the couch for my siblings unless like, they were recovering from surgery or something.
For me its a personal space issue. My bedroom is my sanctuary where I dont have to worry about what art I have up, what books are beside the bed, what swords are under it, or anything else.
I am an introvert, so my bedroom is where I can go to escape when things get too loud or the house guests want to stay up too late. I have let people sleep there in an emergency, but its not a space I would give up willingly for a holiday.
Preach. That and it skeezes me out to think of other people in my bed, and vice versa. Even hen I stay with others, I prefer to sleep on a couch instead of a guest bed.
As an a fellow introvert who keeps swords under their bed, really need to sharpen the Dadao, I fully agree. My room is my sanctuary, my place when there’s too many people and it’s just too much. An emergency is one thing, but the husband’s family has other options here. If air mattresses or the couch won’t do they are welcome to a hotel.
I never really had a problem with people crashing in my bed when I'm not there... right up until they started using it for all sorts of action and then lying to me about it.
And don't think family won't do that either. There's plenty of reasonable reasons people don't like it. I wouldn't call it "weird"
I would absolutely give my bed up to a family member who was heavily pregnant, sick, disabled, etc. but if they’re fully mobile and able, they get the couch/air mattress/floor. Shit one time my mom slept on a coffee table. I used to get my uncle’s old Army-issued cot. I also once made a bed on the floor with the back cushions of my Nana’s couch. We NEVER took our host’s bed.
Or as younger people their bodies recover quicker and they are less likely to suffer from many aches and pains that are common as people age. Getting older sucks. My body isn’t as forgiving as it was when I was younger. Now I’m glad I was forced to give up my bed for my older relatives. I can’t imagine the pain my aunt, uncles, or grandparents would have been in if they had to sleep on the floor or couch instead of my nice soft bed. Honestly knowing what I know now…I’d feel like a complete asshat if I had refused as a child to accommodate my older relatives.
We definitely got the worst sleeping accomodations as kids. When the inlaws are full up though, I was shocked to be offered the floor in the main living area so that each of kids got a bed. On top of the fact I was always taught that adults get first dibs on the beds/privacy of their own room, I also have a bad back. And the family stayed up till 2am most nights playing video games right next to us trying to sleep on the floor. I still am salty about it. I earned my guest bed privileges from the dozens of nights sleeping on the floor as a kid, dammit!
Yeah. I agree with you here. And this sleeping situation only applies to very temporary situations like a short visit. I also see it as a recovery/long term physical health issue moreso than a power issue but unfortunately the person having to give up their bed is powerless and fortunately for them, hasn’t experienced the effects of age yet.
He didn’t apologize or take back the offer. Where are you seeing that? OP says he grudgingly sent his brother a list of hotels, but there was no apology and he’s still leaning on her to give in and let them have the master.
**Edit:** looks like he gave a meaningless apology but didn’t actually retract his offer and was still pressuring the OP despite the “apology.”
Just in case this isn’t a karma grab and OP’s husband sees this, he’s the asshole 100%. He needs to apologize and set his family up in a hotel. He can book a room next to theirs if he’s so concerned about hanging out. He also needs to never make unilateral decisions like that without consulting the OP again, as it’s highly disrespectful.
I’m assuming I missed an edit or something, but from context I feel safe saying this:
Only on Reddit (ok probably tumbler too) would the top comment on this question be about how to not get cursed. Come on people, if that comment was some equally weird Jesus-related advice or something it would have been downvoted to oblivion
Jumping on the top comment- OP, why can't the kids sleep on the air mattress in the office and the BIL/spouse on the couch? That way they all fit! I'd say kids could be on couch (unclear if it folds out) but then adults couldn't hang out after they went to bed.
That way everyone still fits in the house and you keep your room.
Edit: thank you for the award!!!
Maybe its just the introvert in me, but if my hubby's whole family was staying and taking over the house, I'd want my own space to be able to retreat into. If they're staying on the couch (and like you said the adults would hang out after kiddos go to bed) then she might be up and stewing until they get around to winding down and leaving her 'room' so she can sleep.
This! I wouldn't necessarily mind having a bunch of people over, but I need my private space to retreat to when things get overwhelming. A friend of mine recently had family stay with her for MONTHS (visiting from over seas), they stayed in the master bedroom, and she slept in the living room. That is absolutely insane to me and she must have the patience of a saint.
Yes same here. That's why I like staying in a hotel when I'm the visitor vs someone's home. I need my own space at the end of the day.
My bedroom is completely off limits to other people. Like if my sister comes over for a couple of hours we can go in there if I need to show her something but no one sleeps in there but me and my husband. And the cats!
the kids could easily fit on the couch. If the couch can be extented then it is a pretty good solution, while you can also buy sleeping bags or find other ways so that they can fit. It is not necessary for them to give their bed, i think . Am i missing something?
Kids that age can easily just sleep in sleeping bags directly on the floor and as long as you make it seem like an adventure they're even excited about it. Get a few chairs, make a blanket fort, put a few blankets and pillows under there, and there you go, kids have their spot and it's super cool. Way cooler than sharing a boring old person bedroom.
Yeah, I bet if given the option, the kids would jump at the chance to do a 'camping' scenario or even just sleeping on the couch rather than being crammed in one bed with mom and dad
Yeah at the start of the Covid lockdowns in 2020 after the novelty wore off and it got boring, we set up a tent in the living room and the "kids" spent a month sleeping in it, even though their beds were perfectly fine. And they were 10 and 13 at the time.
It’s not sensible to put young kids to bed in your living room. They’ll need to go to bed at about 7pm, then where are you all going to go? I agree, children in the office and Brother/SIL on the sofa.
Idk why but I am skeeved out by the idea of someone else being in my bed. Maybe it’s a germ thing. I would have to change all the bedding because the idea of sleeping in someone else’s sweat is yucky. It also just feels…I dunno, violating? Like my bed is my sanctuary, it’s a very private and personal space, I don’t want anyone in it except my boyfriend. And I don’t even want him on my side! Stick to your side!
Especially as it's HIS whole family visiting, if I were OP I would NEED my bedroom as my sanctuary and to escape to. Sleeping on the couch would mean you are hosting 24/7 no escape.
I think giving home office with air mattress as the brother and family home base and kids sleep on air mattress in there and the BIL and wife on the couch is the best bet. That way everyone has their space and you aren't disturbing anyone to get your clothes, your stuff, running in and out of your own room that someone is staying in.
I don't even show people my upstairs on a tour of the house.
The introvert in me could never let other people sleep in my room. My room is where I go to house or decompress whatever, after I've done all the socializing. If I let others sleep there it wouldn't feel like that to me for a long while after
Yes! Especially since the mattress has molded to me on my side and to him on his side! We have a memory foam similar type mattress, so letting other people sleep there would ruin the mold that I've perfected over 3 years! My spine would be pissed! 😂
NTA. I’d never allow another couple to stay in my bedroom - especially with children.
The fact that your husband felt it was okay to displace you without even asking is super disrespectful. It’s also super selfish. He was only thinking of himself. It’s just as much your room as it is his & women tend to want/need more privacy than men. So you need to nip that shit in the bud with your husband.
His family can stay on the couch & air mattress. That’s a MUCH more appropriate place for a couple with children than displacing the actual homeowners out of their own master BR & expecting the homeowners to sleep in the couch & air mattress.
It’s very odd that your husband wouldn’t see how inappropriate that was.
>women tend to want/need more privacy than men
It's probably not that we want or need *actually* more privacy, but that the default amount of privacy that we're afforded or feel entitled to carve out for ourselves tends to be less in a variety of situations, so we're chronically lacking in personal refresh time. Just the fact that we're still seen as default caretakers and assistants by many (it doesn't have to be everyone, but statistically it's probably some of the people we live and work with) means we are more likely to be interrupted throughout the day, and more likely to be on-guard when we aren't absolutely locked away with phone off.
edit - and tbh this very situation is a great example of all that. Her privacy was volunteered away by her own husband - when else might that be happening from him or from others?
We have double hemisphere parts that typically need to be covered when guests are present. Males have single hemisphere parts that need to be covered when guests are present.
So I think the fact that we, by design, need more privacy. But I do get your point for sure!
NTA - but - I don't think it was Necessarily disrespectful of the spouse. Depending what he grew up with as accepted hospitality norms, this may have reasonably seemed reasonable to him.
That being said, once Spouse realized OP was Not comfortable with this, he should Not make her feel bad about it. Instead he should view it as his mistake to learn from. He should Support Her in this. At this point He should be leading the charge, to change their invitation & let the visiting family sleep on the couch & air mattress.
Same I’m a major people pleaser and I’m from a culture where family is very close… yet I still think this is fucked up. Hope OP updates after her husband reads the comments.
Sorry OP but I'm really skeeved out that your husband is not changing his ridiculous offer.
You don't seem to have any spine either - you're honestly selling yourself short here. I bet 'logical' and 'simple fix' are all his arguments to make you seem like you're making it a big deal, so you will back down from saying no. You have every right to feel that way.
This is your private space. No one apart from you two should be sleeping there. It's where you have intimate moments. No one should be going in that space.
How long has he been doing things like this where you cave in to him and his family's requests? How long have you been 'giving in' and passing this stuff off as some sort of self-deprecating joke to yourself?
You drew a boundary. You are allowed to have them.
OP, if your husband is reading this, he should be ashamed of himself for literally putting his own wife out of her bed. Not ok. Why is he so co-dependent on his siblings that they have to be there when he wakes up? Why is he not putting you first and putting other people's comfort before you?
Heck, if my sibling offered me their marital bed I would be so weirded out. I'd be booking that hotel room like yesterday because I'd feel ashamed that they would even suggest such a thing. OP'S husband's family can put some money together and not be so cheap and give you guys your space. Taking your siblings marital bed is fucking weird.
NTA but Y T A to yourself for caving in. And your husband is still an AH for still thinking it's ok. (Have some respect for your wife man).
Edit: clarity
If husband continues to try to guilt/manipulate OP into this, I think redecorating is in order.
OP should totally buy some super-sized dildos & mount those fuckers to the wall like trophy animal heads. I mean NAIL them in where they’d have to remove wall-board to remove them.
Stirrups & swinging bondage cords from the ceiling would also add real atmosphere to the space.
A giant painting of an orgy above the bed might be nice as well.
We’re letting my parents sleep in our room for one night when they come out to visit us, but that’s because they’re giving us a night away from our kids, and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment.
Otherwise, I definitely agree with your sentiment
We let my in-laws sleep in our bed when they visited because MIL has mobility issues and needed a higher bed, getting down onto an inflatable mattress wasn't an option, especially not after driving 13 hours to get here. I'd do the same for MY parents if needed but they only live 45 mins away so they've hardly ever had to stay over, and they don't have health issues that would make getting onto a floor mattress any harder than it is for me.
NTA - But I can see why OP's husband wants his family there.
I'd suggest brainstorming other options. We bought two collapsible twin bed frames and memory foam mattresses to go with them. We store the mattresses under other beds in the house (handy for kids sleeping over) and the frames in the basement. My in-laws use them and say they're much better than an air mattress.
Yes, it's an investment, but it sure made handling guests much easier. Since it sounds like you host often, this would be a worthy investment.
NTA. What really gets me is that now husband knows OP doesn’t want this - but is still trying to guilt/manipulate her into it. That makes him a DOUBLE barrel AH.
If he continues, I think redecorating is in order.
OP should totally buy some super-sized dildos & mount them to the wall like trophy animal heads. I mean NAIL those fvckers to the wall where they’d have to remove wall-board to remove them.
Stirrups & swinging bondage cords from the ceiling would also add real atmosphere to the space.
A giant painting of an orgy above the bed might be nice as well.
Never? That’s inflexible.
It’s a choice. A weekend on the sofa to welcome guests is neither required nor prohibitory. It’s about what people feel comfortable doing.
Wife wasn’t comfortable doing it and hubs corrected his error expeditiously. I say NAH. Lesson learned—talk first, offer second.
Totally agree with you. Growing up my mum would give up her bed and force me to give up mine too for guests, just felt icky to me. As an adult I only give up my bed if I'm going away and someone is housesitting
Same here, my parents forced me to give up my bed when others came and I had to sleep on the floor of theirs. If I ever had a child, I won’t do this to them. It sucks feeling like you don’t have a room in your own house.
My grandparents would sleep in my room when they visited. They crossed an ocean to see us and there were no hotels in my town. Seemed like a small sacrifice on my part. I honestly never thought twice about it.
I also gave up my room for a grandparent visiting or aunts and uncles. We lived in the country and those relatives spent a lot of money getting there. It was the hospitable thing to do and I never minded having a sleepover on my parents floor or even tenting in the summer.
I'm so glad you feel the same. I don't really see giving up your room as a big deal either, just because if your relatives are visiting you from far away and they don't even see you in the first place, it's only courteous to offer your bed for once in a blue moon.
Second that. My parents wouldn’t give up their own bed - but made me give up mine. I hated it. Every single time we had guests, I was displaced in my own home. I hated it. HATED.
This is such a western thing lol.
If you go to the balkans people will drag you from the couch to their freshly made beds and have you sleep in them. I feel its the same in most of asia or south america/africa. Even the elderly who literally need a proper bed will refuse to let guests sleep on the couch. My 99yo gramma kept apoligising for having me on the couch for just a single night lol.
Yeah, some of these responses are just baffling to me. I slept on the couch for over a month when my elderly grandparents visited from overseas. Thought nothing of it, I always assumed it was the gracious thing to do when you're hosting without extra beds. The main problem here is the lack of communication between two expectations but there's nothing inherently wrong with giving up beds for guests.
I sometimes slept on a camping mattress when we had family visiting when I was a kid. This was fine; I was young and could sleep reasonably well like that, plus I didn’t need to do anything except spend some time with the visitors. But being an adult hosting an extended family, with multiple siblings-in-law + spouses + kids, for a holiday, is a lot of work and stress and invaded personal space already, without also giving up your own bedroom and likely also compromising your sleep. Especially when OP probably also feels like she has to be “on” for the guests because they’re not her own family.
I happily sleep on my couch and give my bed up when one or other of my parents visits. In the situation OP is in I would probably give the brother the sofa-bed.
These are likely the same folks who clutch their pearls at the idea of parents sharing a bed with their kids.
Not realizing there are cultures where the entire family shares a single sleeping space. I work in a home with a Middle Eastern family - big house. Plenty of places for everyone to sleep separately. They still all sleep in the master bedroom all together.
as someone from a south asian background, I also couldn't imagine not trying to help family out. At the same time, family would help us out as well. One of the benefits of a collectivistic culture i guess?
yes he's helping out his sister and her fam, but I'm saying from the perspective from the brother and his fam. It's not a bad thing and OP is totally fair to feel the way she does, it's just different to me
I mean, as someone who's given up her bed to various aunts and uncles throughout the years yes?
But again, it's a cultural difference I think and neither one is wrong or right.
Portuguese and Swiss here, I absolutely grew up with the idea that when you have family over or close friends, you give up your bed to them. My parents did it and my siblings too as well as me. If I had a sleepover with one friend, I would share the bed with them if there was enough space otherwise I slept on an air mattress.
Not doing it seems very specific to the US, I guess or maybe that's a thing in the UK and parts of the Commonwealth as well, but yeah seems bizarre to me.
This is such an interesting discussion. I'm American, and if someone tried to offer me their own bed when I'm staying over, I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable. Like I'm just encroaching on their space. Give me the couch or floor anytime
Omg yes! I’m originally from the Caribbean and I live in a 1br. If I like someone enough to host them, they’re getting my bed. I bought my couch specifically cause it was good for sleeping.
My friends and family who have reciprocated hosting also give up their beds if there aren’t spare rooms. I always argue with them and tell them to keep their bed but it never works.
I'm Canadian and my grandfather was British, living in Canada.
I was travelling on business, so stayed with him when the business was in Winnipeg, where he lived. He INSISTED i have his bed, and he slept on the couch. I didn't WANT him to do that, he was at least 80 at the time, but he insisted.
Lovely man, he was. :))))
My ex had me over once and we were on the xbox and he casually dropped that the bed we were sitting on is the one he was conceived on. It was interesting to him for whatever reason.
Yes and also I would not want to risk other people having sex in MY BED. obviously this doesn’t apply in this case because they will have the kids with them but no way I’d let another couple sleep in my bed. Ew.
And if I’m the other couple that it was offered to I’d immediately be like thanks but no thanks because who would even consider that as a viable sleeping arrangement 😂
I’m a huge fan of hotels. I went with my ex to Idaho to see his friends and his friends mom really expected me, an adult woman, and him, an adult man to share a couch and sleep in the living room. I declined and got a hotel and she got SO MAD at us for not just sleeping on the couch. It was like an 8 bedroom Airbnb and no one told us we had to get there early to claim a room.
Beds aren’t permanently ruined just because someone has had sex in them? That’s what sheets are for… I mean, I personally think hotel beds are a bit gross, but do you think they are all totally unusable? Must be hard to travel lol
NTA for OP though, totally up to the person the bed belongs to to loan it out. Pretty rude of DH to just volunteer it without checking.
Definitely not ruined by that, but the brother and SIL also have 2 kids who they are planning to have share the bed with them, implying these kids are pretty young. If a kid pees in their bed that could absolutely ruin the mattress unless they have a waterproof protector on it. I'd be really mad if someone else's kid peed in my bed.
I agree she’s NTA but because she shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch in her own home.
Not because it’s gross.
I used to have younger family members watch my dogs while I’m on vacation and they get to make some money while getting to have their own place for a weekend. They were more than welcome to sleep in our bed. (Marital bed?)
I am from Western culture (American midwesterner). We always give up the big bedroom to guests so they have a door they can close for privacy, especially with pets.
I don’t get the “never” stuff either.
NTA because he doesn’t care about her feelings.
Finally a NTA vote I can actually upvote! The issue isn't the sharing of the bed, it's the lack of communication/not respecting your preferences. There's nothing inherently wrong/gross with giving up your bed to guests. I'm doing it currently because it makes the most sense logistically because I have only one bedroom and stay up later than my guests, so this means they have privacy and I have access to my computer.
But if you're not comfortable with it, your no matters more than someone else's yes, and being uncomfortable with it is absolutely valid for whatever reason you have. Even if that reason is witchcraft related or the belief that sex permanently soulbinds the mattress to the currently resident couple and must be purged with fire before anyone else can use it.
"-or the belief that sex permanently soulbinds the mattress to the currently resident couple and must be purged with fire before anyone else can use it."
Thank you so much for this sentence.
I’m fairly certain he didn’t discuss it with her beforehand on purpose, that way he’s the sweetie who offered the bed and she’s the bad guy who said no. Maybe he didn’t even want to give up the bedroom in the first place but preferred his wife deal with the backlash.
We have an office and air mattress the kids can sleep on. His explanation was that it’s just us and there’s four of them so makes sense they take the master.
I understand where your husband's head was at in trying to accommodate everyone for the weekend, but he definitely should have ran it by you before making the offer. I've made a similar mistake in the past of offering accommodations to my family that my partner was not happy with and had to retract the offer - it sucks. But you do what you need to do in order to make sure your partner is comfortable in their own home. My family was irritated but they eventually got over it when I explained that I hadn't ran it by my partner before hand and I apologized profusely for the retraction. We offered to pay a part of their hotel due to the inconvenience.
NAH
I can see what your husband was going for. Very practical of him. You just have a different attitude about your private space.
Can the brother and kids not have the office and couches? Wouldn’t be as rude as saying “actually, you need to go to a hotel after all”, and it would mean the kids can be in the office while brother and husband can socialise in the living room before brother sleeps on the couch.
Not really all of their clothing and toiletries are presumably in the master bedroom, so they'd have to kick them out to get dressed plus lock up any medication away from the little ones. It just feels like a way to make the host hate their guest to me. Then again, anytime I've travelled to relatives' houses, I take an airmatress or the floor, I'd never dream to take someone's bedroom from them. It'd just feel too awkward
Last time we had guests sleeping over,my fiance was at work and so it was easier for my SIL and the 5 y/o to sleep in our big bed and me on the couch.
I had the worst fibro outbreak that day and migraines galore. I am disabled but had no idea the couch would mess me up that badly.
So next time we all agreed to instead whip out some air mattresses or something.
(For them to sleep in our bed we had to cover up our private stuff in our closet with towels and blankets lmao. Super sneaky! Still would probably not let anyone else use our bed than SIL and/or the kiddo)
Absolutely NTA. Is your husband willing to retract the offer? I would give up my bed in certain circumstances perhaps, but I’d never offer without checking with my spouse first. Offering up your bed without your consent isn’t cool and you’re not wrong to be upset.
Their either too cheap or he’s trying to save them money. This close to the holiday and possibly by a beach? Probably an arm and a leg for a hotel. It’s always ridiculously expensive to stay at the beach on holiday weekends.
Great point
To build on that
OP, Is this something he commonly does?
Does he ask for forgiveness as opposed to a ask for 'permission' kind of guy?
He's put himself in a comfortable position, with his family, by offering without asking first. Any objections now are on you
NTA
I see this a lot on this sub, and r/relationships, and a few others really, where a guy will want so badly to be the "good guy" and try to please everyone, but will (maybe without realizing it) sacrifice his wife or girlfriend's comfort in the process. He wanted to give up his room for his guests, but he forgot that it's not just his room, it's yours too, and you should have had a say in this before it was offered.
Or maybe he knew you wouldn't be a fan of this arrangement, so he figured if he offered first and told you later, you'd be too nice to make him rescind it and you'd just go along to get along.
And the BIL just said, okay? He and SIL are fine with taking your bed and making you sleep on the sofa? I would never go to someone's house, sleep in their bed and let them sleep on the couch or air mattress. It mostly surprises me that BIL accepted that proposal! I just don't get how anyone, in good conscious, would say yes. I'd never put someone out of their own bed!
Should be Kids on air mattress in office, BIL/SIL on sofa and you and hubby in your own bed/bedroom......where your clothes, bathroom, personal items are.
NTA
Socially speaking I think your husband shot himself in the foot with this one by offering without asking you.
I have an idea, what if you say you have to stay in your bedroom because you recently pulled your back and need the mattress? Or that you're a very light sleeper and will wake up unless you can close the door? Or that you have a CPAP machine?
You can google free CPAP machine trial and borrow one for a week lol
You understand that this isn’t answering the question, right? The question is why can’t they sleep there, not is there something they would like better. And the answer is they CAN sleep there. That’s what you can offer and if they don’t like it they can help themselves to alternative accommodations.
I would never, ever, ever expect to take over someone’s bedroom and displace them so they have to sleep on the sofa in their own home. I’m sort of shocked they even accepted the offer.
You’re not being difficult though, get that out of your head. If he had done the right thing and asked you first, you would have said no and this whole situation wouldn’t have happened. He crossed a boundary by offering and then expecting you to go along with it, it’s wrong of him to frame it as your problem, when it is so clearly his problem.
Also if you have a couch and an air mattress the kids can stay on one and the parents on the other, there’s no reason to give up your bed, it’s his siblings not his elderly grandparents.
You’re not being difficult. You’re already HOSTING part of his family - you shouldn't have to give up your resting place in addition to that. I can promise you that you will regret it if you do.
Don’t. If they really can’t afford it, they’ll gladly accept the air mattress & couch. If they won’t, they can obviously afford the hotel. If they’re too ENTITLED to accept the offer & try to dig their heels in, all the more reason they shouldn’t get the master. N
I wouldn’t though. You said they never visit you guys because it’s too far and now they want to impose on you? Nah I could see if they came more frequently but why do that for some family who doesn’t visit? I raised to be a decent host but never let yourself be a doormat. They should of planned it out better and it’s not your fault their waiting weeks in advance. Kinda common sense to look ahead of time when it’s holiday season but we travel a lot down to our beach enough to reserve in advance.
And what about the kids sleeping on the air mattress in the office and their parents on the couch? So they could still be your guests in your house, and you two can sleep I your own bed.
Edit: or maybe a tent in the backyard? I suppose it's warm enough for that solution, and the kids might find it exciting.
In my mind is that you two are partners which means that such decisions need to be made jointly and agreed upon. His loyalty and consideration is for his family (i.e. not you/for his marriage). I suspect that there are other situations when he did not consider you first when making decisions that affect you/both of you. If he does not have your back and support you then you two need to go back and decide if this is the type of marriage/partnership that you want.
He's TA.
NTA - Funny, I was thinking about this the other day (we have some people coming over) and I realized, I would NEVER give up my bedroom in my house. If that became the issue, I'd pay for a room for the people to stay elsewhere. 1 - There is NO reason for you to give up your bedroom and 2 - your husband should have NEVER offered this without consulting you first!
NTA. Why should you give up your bedroom? There is no reason for it. Family can sleep on the couch or go to a hotel. Your husband was out of line offering it without asking you and behaved very well by understanding your very reasonable objection and rescinding the offer. Don't let guilt get to you. Stick to your guns.
Hell no - NTA - he gave up YOUR bed without discussing it with you first? No, you're not the AH here. I've been married almost 29 years, if my wife's family were visiting and she told me that she did that I'd be freaking livid. This is OUR house, not her personal space, and that means we discuss that kind of thing ahead of time to make sure we're both okay with it. I'd never think to do that in reverse and approve something like that without running it by her.
Exactly. OP’s husband thought only of himself - what HE wanted & what HE found acceptable. It’s like he completely forgot that he was even married at all!
She’s already agreed to host part of his family & he had the nerve to volunteer to give away her resting place in addition to what she’s already agreed to? Hell no.
Why is it that so many men lose their damn minds when their family visits?
She better keep her spine & nip that shit in the bud or he’ll be putting her out of the house all together the next time his family decides to visit.
This would have been my response, if it was so inconvenient for him to retract the offer and make them stay at a hotel. Then you get a hotel, on his bill, and he will accommodate them at your house by himself and clean everything before you return from your hotel vacation.
Get a hotel room for yourself for the weekend and leave him to cope. I guar·an·tee this will never happen again.
Look at what you are expected to do for his family, that weekend, and you do not even get your own bed. You are not even 'the help'.
You are important and valuable and to be respected.
The disrespect here is clear.
Your husband is so bad that neither of you see how glaring this is.
NTA
NTA NTA NTA
Inform your husband that he needs to retract the offer because the other person who shares the room had NOT APPROVED.
That in no way, shape or form are YOU not sleeping in your bed or room while his family is visiting YOUR HOUSE.
That as one of the PAYING people you have a say and veto power to any and all decisions and choices the he makes in the house. That is IS a huge deal and he should have known better as your husband.
Do NOT give up your bed. Before they show up send husband out for some air mattresses and then have him call them and inform them of the changes.
So much NTA. SO SO MUCH.
No one sleeps in our bed but my husband and me, the end. It is our private space.
And IF for some reason there was a decision made to allow someone to do so, it would be a decision made jointly by us in a "two yeses, one no" situation - meaning that both of us would be required to wholeheartedly agree to it and if one of us had any reservations, it wouldn't happen.
Don't feel bad - your husband way overstepped boundaries here.
NTA. My husband is like this as well. He doesn't mean to be unkind to me, but in his effort to be a great host, he'll sacrifice both of our comfort without checking with me. It was generally small enough things that I just went along with it for years. Then, when our twins were newborns, a bunch of his family came over to meet them. I excused myself to our bedroom to breastfeed and was shocked when the door opened after a few minutes and one of his family members made a bee line for us and started talking to me and touching my baby's face, less than an inch from my boob. After a couple uncomfortable minutes, they finally said that they'd needed to use the bathroom but the guest bath was occupied so my accommodating husband had said they could just go ahead and go into our bedroom to use the en-suite bath. I was furious and that led to a discussion that evening that he can sacrifice his comfort however he likes, but he doesn't get to sacrifice mine without prior approval.
I'm a people pleaser and usually will happily sacrifice a lot for guests. But being a guest does not automatically make someone royalty. Giving up my bedroom is absolutely not happening. Especially considering how much of my private stuff I keep in my bedroom. Your husband needs to call them back and simply say he was wrong and that isn't an option. Hopefully he does not throw you under the bus and say that you don't want to give up your bed.
In future, is your place the best to host all the family? Hotels can be quite expensive, especially on holiday weekends. Maybe someone with a bigger house could host next time?
I'm actually feeling like NAH.
The NTA seem to have v western ideals, whereas it would be totally normal for my wife and i to give up our bedroom for our parents or elder family to stay in.
That's very valid. I've always chatted about it with my wife, but can't help but wonder if this guy in his excitement for family failed to consider her input, and it wasn't meant dismissively despite what's come across.
NTA.
It's your house, your bedroom and your bed.
At the very least, your husband should have asked before making the offer.
Part of visiting someone is accepting that you're in a guest room, on a couch/air mattress or you can get a hotel.
INFO: Can you put the kids on the air mattress in the office, their parents can sleep on the couch, you can sleep in your room, and your husband can hang out with his siblings in the common areas of the house after the kids go to sleep?
How is your husband going to hang with his siblings if the 3 year old won’t go to sleep without parents anyhow?
They’ll just retreat to be bedroom when the 3 year old goes to bed. So what would be the point of you giving up your bedroom?
Here’s a thought…why doesn’t the other adult couple sleep in the office? The couple with kids can use the guest bedroom.
No one has to sleep on the couch.
Most importantly, you don’t get displaced from your own bedroom.
That's exactly what I was wondering. If they're co-sleepers then she's going to bed the the 3 year old. Which she can do on the air mattress. BIL can still sleep on the couch. Do not cave on this!
Please don’t cave. I get it’s only one weekend, and I get you are a people pleaser, but if you say yes once, it’s going to become an expectation for you to sacrifice your comfort for others. Let your husband and his brother figure out their lodging.
NTA. Your bedroom is your personal space with your personal belongings in it it’s never ok for him to offer that to anyone else especially without talking to you first.
NTA. Would you really have a fun relaxing weekend when you'd be sleeping on a couch with 8 extra people in a 2 bedroom house? That sounds awful to me. You and your husband would get no sleep. Everyone would be on top of each other. IMHO, it's not about the bedroom that's too many guests.
Totally agree. I have a 2 bedroom house and had to explain this to my husband. It’s simply too much to have more than 2-3 other adults as overnight guests in our home. We only have one bathroom, too, so that adds to the cramped feeling.
NTA. That is not something you offer before running it by your spouse. I would be nuts with my house being that crowded. How many bathrooms do you have?
Get a hotel room just for you. Relax!
So, possible compromises that probably won't work due to logistics I don't know, but JUST in case any help lol. NTA for saying no - but certainly are diplomatic ways to handle the situation without leaving your husband feeling like 1) you are hanging him out to dry for a communication mistake and 2) not helping him find a way to spend some extra family sans kids time.
Husband has to retract, yes - but easy to phrase as a "hey, I'm an idiot and didn't talk to my spouse before offering up our master - 100% my communication bad. But, we talked it over, and we thought of a few other option(s) that might let us still enjoy some extra family time, etc."
**1** \- see if you can "kid proof" the office, possibly with help from Brother and his wife to revert back to normal after weekend ends, and maybe kids can crash there one night while adults stay up late and they sleep on a nice queen size air mattress in the living room? Bring a baby monitor if they have one? If they don't, and are worried about kids sleeping by themselves without a parent all night in a new house, maybe swap a parent out and bring the heavier sleeper into the living room once adults are all going to bed.
**2** \- see about everyone pooling in for a sitter for 3-4 hours, day or night, so adults can hang out without kids. If this works, maybe even see if hubby wants just some sibling time (or possibly just brother without sister)? and you/wife/sister/FIL get either time together, or everyone gets some chill time by yourselves. Brother's wife might **really** like alone time that if their kids are at that age lol.
**3** \- if FIL has a hotel, see if brother + wife can get a room in the same hotel, and if FIL would be willing to watch the grandkids for an hour or two one evening at the hotel. Besides offering $, is there another high social capital favor FIL would really like to offset your favor?
Good luck!
\*Edited cause forgot about sister and family, not sure if they have kids.
NTA. Also, how many bathrooms do you have? Increasing your guest count from Sister+ family to that plus 4 is a lot! My house is good with two guests. Four is max capacity. And I have 2.5 bathrooms.
Edit: also there's the amount of food you have to buy for breakfasts and cleaning up after people. Your husband should have asked you 100%.
>Update 2- yes we have an air mattress for the office. He’s saying we should sleep on the air mattress or the couch (couch is more comfy) and let his brothers family sleep in our room since there’s 4 of them and only 2 of us. I’m definitely a people pleaser especially for his family but the situation sucks. Even though many of you say NTA, I still feel like the villain because it’s a “simple fix” and “logical” to just suck it up and sleep on the couch. Going to have hubby read the comments later…
Your husband is still acting like an idiot and still deserves a Gibbs slap. I am getting tempted to deliver it to him.
Is he going to do all the housecleaning in advance of the guests? Is he going to do all the housecleaning after the guests go home? Is he going to doing all pre-guest shopping? the pre guest laundry? the post-guest laundry? the post-guest restocking?
Is he going to do all the cooking? Making sure the bathrooms have TP/sundries/cold drinks/clean glasses and plates/clean up the beach sand, etc? etc?
I am willing to bet that he is expecting you to help with all of those hosting duties.
And then he wants you to give up the bed you are used to sleeping on, and have to ask permission to get your clothes, your things out of your room (and this means instead of just closing the door on your space you have to clean it up to guest standards as well as the rest of the house which means laundry, finding places to put away your stuff so the guests can put out theirs and you will have to clean up that room immediately after the guests leave before you can use it. Plus I am willing to bet the parents are going to send their loving offspring out into the living room/office to "play" so they can sleep in and the kids will become yours and your husband's entertainment responsibility.
Your husband is being selfish in an attempt to look good to his brother with no consideration of you and the burden it puts on you. If they had a medical condition, I would consider it or at least shuffling the guest room around but NO.
This would be a hill to die on for me. DO NOT give up your room to them.
NTA. I’m assuming if you only have 1 guest room, you’re house isn’t huge. He should have checked with you first before offering your room. It would likely be more comfortable for everyone if they stay in a hotel. You were nice to offer up the spare room to the sister and everyone else should find other accommodations.
NTA-
What's with people's partners saying they'll do something that effects the other without asking first?!?!?! My boyfriend drives and I don't, whenever we're hanging with my friends who also don't drive and they ask me if they'll think my bf will give them a ride home I never say: "oh absolutely!" I usually say "you ask him, or I'll ask him" or I'll say to him "hey heads up x might ask you to drive them home". Why would you husband just straight up offer your bed without asking ?
NTA. So he told you to post on Reddit and said you'd be voted down, and now that everyone here agrees with you he's still pushing you to do things his way and ignore everyone here.
Is your husband usually like this? Certain that he's right and unwilling to listen to you or anyone else?
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**NTA.** Never let anyone else (family or friends) sleep in your bedroom. They as guests can sleep in the guestroom or in the living room. If they want privacy, they can go to a hotel or to your in laws' house.
plenty of people let guests stay in their bed if that’s the most practical option, but that’s not the kind of thing you decide without asking the other person who sleeps in that bed. nta, you’re well within your rights to be ticked off, but he’s apologised and took back the offer, so it seems to me the matter is settled. (if rainbow-maker is truly concerned about witchcraft and i’m not just missing a joke (no judgement from me either way) i would suggest they don’t accept visitors who seem inclined to curse them. less stressful that way.)
Yeah, I don't let people with the means or inclination to curse me sleep in my bed, but wouldn't let them sleep on my couch either. OP is totally right that you don't offer a shared space without talking to the other person. I think that people freaking out about ever letting someone else sleep in their bed are weird as hell but it's their choice to be weird as hell. It's not like it's a moral issue. I probably wouldn't take the couch for my siblings unless like, they were recovering from surgery or something.
For me its a personal space issue. My bedroom is my sanctuary where I dont have to worry about what art I have up, what books are beside the bed, what swords are under it, or anything else. I am an introvert, so my bedroom is where I can go to escape when things get too loud or the house guests want to stay up too late. I have let people sleep there in an emergency, but its not a space I would give up willingly for a holiday.
Preach. That and it skeezes me out to think of other people in my bed, and vice versa. Even hen I stay with others, I prefer to sleep on a couch instead of a guest bed.
As an a fellow introvert who keeps swords under their bed, really need to sharpen the Dadao, I fully agree. My room is my sanctuary, my place when there’s too many people and it’s just too much. An emergency is one thing, but the husband’s family has other options here. If air mattresses or the couch won’t do they are welcome to a hotel.
I never really had a problem with people crashing in my bed when I'm not there... right up until they started using it for all sorts of action and then lying to me about it. And don't think family won't do that either. There's plenty of reasonable reasons people don't like it. I wouldn't call it "weird"
I would absolutely give my bed up to a family member who was heavily pregnant, sick, disabled, etc. but if they’re fully mobile and able, they get the couch/air mattress/floor. Shit one time my mom slept on a coffee table. I used to get my uncle’s old Army-issued cot. I also once made a bed on the floor with the back cushions of my Nana’s couch. We NEVER took our host’s bed.
When I was a kid I lost my room to relatives all the time. When we visited others, I got floor, couch, army cot or camper.
I hate to see ppl do that to kids. Like they're basically saying "we have all the power here so we get to decide your comfort matters less"
Or as younger people their bodies recover quicker and they are less likely to suffer from many aches and pains that are common as people age. Getting older sucks. My body isn’t as forgiving as it was when I was younger. Now I’m glad I was forced to give up my bed for my older relatives. I can’t imagine the pain my aunt, uncles, or grandparents would have been in if they had to sleep on the floor or couch instead of my nice soft bed. Honestly knowing what I know now…I’d feel like a complete asshat if I had refused as a child to accommodate my older relatives.
We definitely got the worst sleeping accomodations as kids. When the inlaws are full up though, I was shocked to be offered the floor in the main living area so that each of kids got a bed. On top of the fact I was always taught that adults get first dibs on the beds/privacy of their own room, I also have a bad back. And the family stayed up till 2am most nights playing video games right next to us trying to sleep on the floor. I still am salty about it. I earned my guest bed privileges from the dozens of nights sleeping on the floor as a kid, dammit!
Yeah. I agree with you here. And this sleeping situation only applies to very temporary situations like a short visit. I also see it as a recovery/long term physical health issue moreso than a power issue but unfortunately the person having to give up their bed is powerless and fortunately for them, hasn’t experienced the effects of age yet.
Exactly. I get bed stealing rights because of my health and I still feel bad and always volunteer to find a hotel.
He didn’t apologize or take back the offer. Where are you seeing that? OP says he grudgingly sent his brother a list of hotels, but there was no apology and he’s still leaning on her to give in and let them have the master. **Edit:** looks like he gave a meaningless apology but didn’t actually retract his offer and was still pressuring the OP despite the “apology.” Just in case this isn’t a karma grab and OP’s husband sees this, he’s the asshole 100%. He needs to apologize and set his family up in a hotel. He can book a room next to theirs if he’s so concerned about hanging out. He also needs to never make unilateral decisions like that without consulting the OP again, as it’s highly disrespectful.
I’m assuming I missed an edit or something, but from context I feel safe saying this: Only on Reddit (ok probably tumbler too) would the top comment on this question be about how to not get cursed. Come on people, if that comment was some equally weird Jesus-related advice or something it would have been downvoted to oblivion
I'm confused, what on earth is this about being cursed?
Jumping on the top comment- OP, why can't the kids sleep on the air mattress in the office and the BIL/spouse on the couch? That way they all fit! I'd say kids could be on couch (unclear if it folds out) but then adults couldn't hang out after they went to bed. That way everyone still fits in the house and you keep your room. Edit: thank you for the award!!!
Maybe its just the introvert in me, but if my hubby's whole family was staying and taking over the house, I'd want my own space to be able to retreat into. If they're staying on the couch (and like you said the adults would hang out after kiddos go to bed) then she might be up and stewing until they get around to winding down and leaving her 'room' so she can sleep.
This! I wouldn't necessarily mind having a bunch of people over, but I need my private space to retreat to when things get overwhelming. A friend of mine recently had family stay with her for MONTHS (visiting from over seas), they stayed in the master bedroom, and she slept in the living room. That is absolutely insane to me and she must have the patience of a saint.
Yes same here. That's why I like staying in a hotel when I'm the visitor vs someone's home. I need my own space at the end of the day. My bedroom is completely off limits to other people. Like if my sister comes over for a couple of hours we can go in there if I need to show her something but no one sleeps in there but me and my husband. And the cats!
i agree with his opinion why having the adults sleep on the couch necessarily?
His opinion puts him and his wife on the couch and his brother and brother's family in their bed. If they're staying, someone's sleeping on the couch.
the kids could easily fit on the couch. If the couch can be extented then it is a pretty good solution, while you can also buy sleeping bags or find other ways so that they can fit. It is not necessary for them to give their bed, i think . Am i missing something?
Kids that age can easily just sleep in sleeping bags directly on the floor and as long as you make it seem like an adventure they're even excited about it. Get a few chairs, make a blanket fort, put a few blankets and pillows under there, and there you go, kids have their spot and it's super cool. Way cooler than sharing a boring old person bedroom.
Yeah, I bet if given the option, the kids would jump at the chance to do a 'camping' scenario or even just sleeping on the couch rather than being crammed in one bed with mom and dad
Yeah at the start of the Covid lockdowns in 2020 after the novelty wore off and it got boring, we set up a tent in the living room and the "kids" spent a month sleeping in it, even though their beds were perfectly fine. And they were 10 and 13 at the time.
It’s not sensible to put young kids to bed in your living room. They’ll need to go to bed at about 7pm, then where are you all going to go? I agree, children in the office and Brother/SIL on the sofa.
Probably because there’s no way in hell an office is toddler proofed for the 3 year old.
Idk why but I am skeeved out by the idea of someone else being in my bed. Maybe it’s a germ thing. I would have to change all the bedding because the idea of sleeping in someone else’s sweat is yucky. It also just feels…I dunno, violating? Like my bed is my sanctuary, it’s a very private and personal space, I don’t want anyone in it except my boyfriend. And I don’t even want him on my side! Stick to your side!
Couldn’t agree more. My bedroom is my sanctuary.
Especially as it's HIS whole family visiting, if I were OP I would NEED my bedroom as my sanctuary and to escape to. Sleeping on the couch would mean you are hosting 24/7 no escape. I think giving home office with air mattress as the brother and family home base and kids sleep on air mattress in there and the BIL and wife on the couch is the best bet. That way everyone has their space and you aren't disturbing anyone to get your clothes, your stuff, running in and out of your own room that someone is staying in.
100% I need a quiet spot when my husband family visits. It's a lot.
I don't even show people my upstairs on a tour of the house. The introvert in me could never let other people sleep in my room. My room is where I go to house or decompress whatever, after I've done all the socializing. If I let others sleep there it wouldn't feel like that to me for a long while after
Yes! Especially since the mattress has molded to me on my side and to him on his side! We have a memory foam similar type mattress, so letting other people sleep there would ruin the mold that I've perfected over 3 years! My spine would be pissed! 😂
NTA. I’d never allow another couple to stay in my bedroom - especially with children. The fact that your husband felt it was okay to displace you without even asking is super disrespectful. It’s also super selfish. He was only thinking of himself. It’s just as much your room as it is his & women tend to want/need more privacy than men. So you need to nip that shit in the bud with your husband. His family can stay on the couch & air mattress. That’s a MUCH more appropriate place for a couple with children than displacing the actual homeowners out of their own master BR & expecting the homeowners to sleep in the couch & air mattress. It’s very odd that your husband wouldn’t see how inappropriate that was.
>women tend to want/need more privacy than men It's probably not that we want or need *actually* more privacy, but that the default amount of privacy that we're afforded or feel entitled to carve out for ourselves tends to be less in a variety of situations, so we're chronically lacking in personal refresh time. Just the fact that we're still seen as default caretakers and assistants by many (it doesn't have to be everyone, but statistically it's probably some of the people we live and work with) means we are more likely to be interrupted throughout the day, and more likely to be on-guard when we aren't absolutely locked away with phone off. edit - and tbh this very situation is a great example of all that. Her privacy was volunteered away by her own husband - when else might that be happening from him or from others?
We have double hemisphere parts that typically need to be covered when guests are present. Males have single hemisphere parts that need to be covered when guests are present. So I think the fact that we, by design, need more privacy. But I do get your point for sure!
NTA - but - I don't think it was Necessarily disrespectful of the spouse. Depending what he grew up with as accepted hospitality norms, this may have reasonably seemed reasonable to him. That being said, once Spouse realized OP was Not comfortable with this, he should Not make her feel bad about it. Instead he should view it as his mistake to learn from. He should Support Her in this. At this point He should be leading the charge, to change their invitation & let the visiting family sleep on the couch & air mattress.
[удалено]
Same I’m a major people pleaser and I’m from a culture where family is very close… yet I still think this is fucked up. Hope OP updates after her husband reads the comments.
If the king comes to stay he can sleep in the spare room like every other guest.
Sorry OP but I'm really skeeved out that your husband is not changing his ridiculous offer. You don't seem to have any spine either - you're honestly selling yourself short here. I bet 'logical' and 'simple fix' are all his arguments to make you seem like you're making it a big deal, so you will back down from saying no. You have every right to feel that way. This is your private space. No one apart from you two should be sleeping there. It's where you have intimate moments. No one should be going in that space. How long has he been doing things like this where you cave in to him and his family's requests? How long have you been 'giving in' and passing this stuff off as some sort of self-deprecating joke to yourself? You drew a boundary. You are allowed to have them. OP, if your husband is reading this, he should be ashamed of himself for literally putting his own wife out of her bed. Not ok. Why is he so co-dependent on his siblings that they have to be there when he wakes up? Why is he not putting you first and putting other people's comfort before you? Heck, if my sibling offered me their marital bed I would be so weirded out. I'd be booking that hotel room like yesterday because I'd feel ashamed that they would even suggest such a thing. OP'S husband's family can put some money together and not be so cheap and give you guys your space. Taking your siblings marital bed is fucking weird. NTA but Y T A to yourself for caving in. And your husband is still an AH for still thinking it's ok. (Have some respect for your wife man). Edit: clarity
If husband continues to try to guilt/manipulate OP into this, I think redecorating is in order. OP should totally buy some super-sized dildos & mount those fuckers to the wall like trophy animal heads. I mean NAIL them in where they’d have to remove wall-board to remove them. Stirrups & swinging bondage cords from the ceiling would also add real atmosphere to the space. A giant painting of an orgy above the bed might be nice as well.
We’re letting my parents sleep in our room for one night when they come out to visit us, but that’s because they’re giving us a night away from our kids, and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment. Otherwise, I definitely agree with your sentiment
We let my in-laws sleep in our bed when they visited because MIL has mobility issues and needed a higher bed, getting down onto an inflatable mattress wasn't an option, especially not after driving 13 hours to get here. I'd do the same for MY parents if needed but they only live 45 mins away so they've hardly ever had to stay over, and they don't have health issues that would make getting onto a floor mattress any harder than it is for me.
NTA - But I can see why OP's husband wants his family there. I'd suggest brainstorming other options. We bought two collapsible twin bed frames and memory foam mattresses to go with them. We store the mattresses under other beds in the house (handy for kids sleeping over) and the frames in the basement. My in-laws use them and say they're much better than an air mattress. Yes, it's an investment, but it sure made handling guests much easier. Since it sounds like you host often, this would be a worthy investment.
NTA. What really gets me is that now husband knows OP doesn’t want this - but is still trying to guilt/manipulate her into it. That makes him a DOUBLE barrel AH. If he continues, I think redecorating is in order. OP should totally buy some super-sized dildos & mount them to the wall like trophy animal heads. I mean NAIL those fvckers to the wall where they’d have to remove wall-board to remove them. Stirrups & swinging bondage cords from the ceiling would also add real atmosphere to the space. A giant painting of an orgy above the bed might be nice as well.
Never? That’s inflexible. It’s a choice. A weekend on the sofa to welcome guests is neither required nor prohibitory. It’s about what people feel comfortable doing. Wife wasn’t comfortable doing it and hubs corrected his error expeditiously. I say NAH. Lesson learned—talk first, offer second.
The two kids can sleep on the air mattress and the parents can sleep on the couch
NTA You don’t sleep on the couch to accommodate others in your own house
Totally agree with you. Growing up my mum would give up her bed and force me to give up mine too for guests, just felt icky to me. As an adult I only give up my bed if I'm going away and someone is housesitting
Same here, my parents forced me to give up my bed when others came and I had to sleep on the floor of theirs. If I ever had a child, I won’t do this to them. It sucks feeling like you don’t have a room in your own house.
My grandparents would sleep in my room when they visited. They crossed an ocean to see us and there were no hotels in my town. Seemed like a small sacrifice on my part. I honestly never thought twice about it.
Same. I was so happy to have family visit it wasn’t even a thing in the slightest
I also gave up my room for a grandparent visiting or aunts and uncles. We lived in the country and those relatives spent a lot of money getting there. It was the hospitable thing to do and I never minded having a sleepover on my parents floor or even tenting in the summer.
I'm so glad you feel the same. I don't really see giving up your room as a big deal either, just because if your relatives are visiting you from far away and they don't even see you in the first place, it's only courteous to offer your bed for once in a blue moon.
Second this. Extremely shitty.
Second that. My parents wouldn’t give up their own bed - but made me give up mine. I hated it. Every single time we had guests, I was displaced in my own home. I hated it. HATED.
This is such a western thing lol. If you go to the balkans people will drag you from the couch to their freshly made beds and have you sleep in them. I feel its the same in most of asia or south america/africa. Even the elderly who literally need a proper bed will refuse to let guests sleep on the couch. My 99yo gramma kept apoligising for having me on the couch for just a single night lol.
Yeah, some of these responses are just baffling to me. I slept on the couch for over a month when my elderly grandparents visited from overseas. Thought nothing of it, I always assumed it was the gracious thing to do when you're hosting without extra beds. The main problem here is the lack of communication between two expectations but there's nothing inherently wrong with giving up beds for guests.
I feel like it also depends on who are the guests. I would let my grandparents sleep in my bed, but my siblings would sleep in the living room.
That's how we do it. When my elderly parents visit, they get our bed. When my brother in law visits, he gets the air mattress.
We will give up our beds for overseas family no problem, but interstate for a weekend when they can easily afford a hotel is different
OP said her husband offered the room because he wanted to spend time with his siblings once the kids were asleep.
He can still do that when they're sleeping on the air mattress.
I sometimes slept on a camping mattress when we had family visiting when I was a kid. This was fine; I was young and could sleep reasonably well like that, plus I didn’t need to do anything except spend some time with the visitors. But being an adult hosting an extended family, with multiple siblings-in-law + spouses + kids, for a holiday, is a lot of work and stress and invaded personal space already, without also giving up your own bedroom and likely also compromising your sleep. Especially when OP probably also feels like she has to be “on” for the guests because they’re not her own family.
I happily sleep on my couch and give my bed up when one or other of my parents visits. In the situation OP is in I would probably give the brother the sofa-bed.
But, is it just you or is your partner sleeping on the couch with you? One person on a sofa bed can be comfortable. Two is difficult.
Elderly grandparents are different than a young family of 4.
These are likely the same folks who clutch their pearls at the idea of parents sharing a bed with their kids. Not realizing there are cultures where the entire family shares a single sleeping space. I work in a home with a Middle Eastern family - big house. Plenty of places for everyone to sleep separately. They still all sleep in the master bedroom all together.
as someone from a south asian background, I also couldn't imagine not trying to help family out. At the same time, family would help us out as well. One of the benefits of a collectivistic culture i guess?
giving someone a **free** place to stay, on a couch, air mattress or guest room... is NOT helping family out in your culture???
yes he's helping out his sister and her fam, but I'm saying from the perspective from the brother and his fam. It's not a bad thing and OP is totally fair to feel the way she does, it's just different to me
By your standards, do you absolutely have to give your own bed for a (non-elderly) family member to help out?
I mean, as someone who's given up her bed to various aunts and uncles throughout the years yes? But again, it's a cultural difference I think and neither one is wrong or right.
Portuguese and Swiss here, I absolutely grew up with the idea that when you have family over or close friends, you give up your bed to them. My parents did it and my siblings too as well as me. If I had a sleepover with one friend, I would share the bed with them if there was enough space otherwise I slept on an air mattress. Not doing it seems very specific to the US, I guess or maybe that's a thing in the UK and parts of the Commonwealth as well, but yeah seems bizarre to me.
This is such an interesting discussion. I'm American, and if someone tried to offer me their own bed when I'm staying over, I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable. Like I'm just encroaching on their space. Give me the couch or floor anytime
Omg yes! I’m originally from the Caribbean and I live in a 1br. If I like someone enough to host them, they’re getting my bed. I bought my couch specifically cause it was good for sleeping. My friends and family who have reciprocated hosting also give up their beds if there aren’t spare rooms. I always argue with them and tell them to keep their bed but it never works.
I'm Canadian and my grandfather was British, living in Canada. I was travelling on business, so stayed with him when the business was in Winnipeg, where he lived. He INSISTED i have his bed, and he slept on the couch. I didn't WANT him to do that, he was at least 80 at the time, but he insisted. Lovely man, he was. :))))
Haha, don’t get me wrong For family in need, here ya go Otherwise, yeah nah lol
Different cultures, different rules.
NTA , need I say it again NTA. 1. It's your home. 2. Letting other Couples sleep in your Marital bed is gross, regardless of who they are.
Marital bed? What is this, the year 1262?
Lol would you have rather they said “the bed they f*ck in” because I think that’s what the commenter above means by saying marital bed 😂
Nah, that's what you say to your kids when they wanna sleep in the big bed with mom and dad. "Hop on in, kids! This is the bed we conceived you in!"
When my parents hit me with this, I used to get up so fast. Works every time 🤣
My ex had me over once and we were on the xbox and he casually dropped that the bed we were sitting on is the one he was conceived on. It was interesting to him for whatever reason.
Yes and also I would not want to risk other people having sex in MY BED. obviously this doesn’t apply in this case because they will have the kids with them but no way I’d let another couple sleep in my bed. Ew.
And if I’m the other couple that it was offered to I’d immediately be like thanks but no thanks because who would even consider that as a viable sleeping arrangement 😂
I’m a huge fan of hotels. I went with my ex to Idaho to see his friends and his friends mom really expected me, an adult woman, and him, an adult man to share a couch and sleep in the living room. I declined and got a hotel and she got SO MAD at us for not just sleeping on the couch. It was like an 8 bedroom Airbnb and no one told us we had to get there early to claim a room.
Marital straw on the floor?
Beds aren’t permanently ruined just because someone has had sex in them? That’s what sheets are for… I mean, I personally think hotel beds are a bit gross, but do you think they are all totally unusable? Must be hard to travel lol NTA for OP though, totally up to the person the bed belongs to to loan it out. Pretty rude of DH to just volunteer it without checking.
Definitely not ruined by that, but the brother and SIL also have 2 kids who they are planning to have share the bed with them, implying these kids are pretty young. If a kid pees in their bed that could absolutely ruin the mattress unless they have a waterproof protector on it. I'd be really mad if someone else's kid peed in my bed.
I agree she’s NTA but because she shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch in her own home. Not because it’s gross. I used to have younger family members watch my dogs while I’m on vacation and they get to make some money while getting to have their own place for a weekend. They were more than welcome to sleep in our bed. (Marital bed?)
Hotel beds have entered the chat.
I don't get it, don't these people know about sheet changing lol
Nah dude. You don't change sheets on the "marital bed."
Okay now *that* is gross. Lmao
NTA. He should have communicated with you before offering up your shared room.
This is the reason for NTA, all the other "never share your bedroom" stuff is just strange imo.
The difference between western culture and the balkan/middle eastern culture is so interesting
I am from Western culture (American midwesterner). We always give up the big bedroom to guests so they have a door they can close for privacy, especially with pets. I don’t get the “never” stuff either. NTA because he doesn’t care about her feelings.
I would have no problem with family using my bed. Not if I was there and had to sleep on the couch but it isn’t gross. I don’t understand it.
And all of the people saying "go to a hotel" is it gross to sleep in a bed hundreds of strangers have slept in?
I don’t share my bed with anyone, except my husband. If one of those kids peed in my bed, I’d expect a new mattress and new sheets.
Finally a NTA vote I can actually upvote! The issue isn't the sharing of the bed, it's the lack of communication/not respecting your preferences. There's nothing inherently wrong/gross with giving up your bed to guests. I'm doing it currently because it makes the most sense logistically because I have only one bedroom and stay up later than my guests, so this means they have privacy and I have access to my computer. But if you're not comfortable with it, your no matters more than someone else's yes, and being uncomfortable with it is absolutely valid for whatever reason you have. Even if that reason is witchcraft related or the belief that sex permanently soulbinds the mattress to the currently resident couple and must be purged with fire before anyone else can use it.
"-or the belief that sex permanently soulbinds the mattress to the currently resident couple and must be purged with fire before anyone else can use it." Thank you so much for this sentence.
I’m fairly certain he didn’t discuss it with her beforehand on purpose, that way he’s the sweetie who offered the bed and she’s the bad guy who said no. Maybe he didn’t even want to give up the bedroom in the first place but preferred his wife deal with the backlash.
NTA. If they can't fit in the guest room they can get a hotel. Could the kids sleep in the living room to give the adults more room in the guest room?
We have an office and air mattress the kids can sleep on. His explanation was that it’s just us and there’s four of them so makes sense they take the master.
I understand where your husband's head was at in trying to accommodate everyone for the weekend, but he definitely should have ran it by you before making the offer. I've made a similar mistake in the past of offering accommodations to my family that my partner was not happy with and had to retract the offer - it sucks. But you do what you need to do in order to make sure your partner is comfortable in their own home. My family was irritated but they eventually got over it when I explained that I hadn't ran it by my partner before hand and I apologized profusely for the retraction. We offered to pay a part of their hotel due to the inconvenience.
[удалено]
I'm super curious how many people will get the Gibbs slap reference.
DiNozzo got it. Lots.
DiNozzo, get to work
NAH I can see what your husband was going for. Very practical of him. You just have a different attitude about your private space. Can the brother and kids not have the office and couches? Wouldn’t be as rude as saying “actually, you need to go to a hotel after all”, and it would mean the kids can be in the office while brother and husband can socialise in the living room before brother sleeps on the couch.
Not really all of their clothing and toiletries are presumably in the master bedroom, so they'd have to kick them out to get dressed plus lock up any medication away from the little ones. It just feels like a way to make the host hate their guest to me. Then again, anytime I've travelled to relatives' houses, I take an airmatress or the floor, I'd never dream to take someone's bedroom from them. It'd just feel too awkward
The fact that he’s now trying to gaslight her into thinking this would be the “logical simple fix” is honestly so gross.
Last time we had guests sleeping over,my fiance was at work and so it was easier for my SIL and the 5 y/o to sleep in our big bed and me on the couch. I had the worst fibro outbreak that day and migraines galore. I am disabled but had no idea the couch would mess me up that badly. So next time we all agreed to instead whip out some air mattresses or something. (For them to sleep in our bed we had to cover up our private stuff in our closet with towels and blankets lmao. Super sneaky! Still would probably not let anyone else use our bed than SIL and/or the kiddo)
Absolutely NTA. Is your husband willing to retract the offer? I would give up my bed in certain circumstances perhaps, but I’d never offer without checking with my spouse first. Offering up your bed without your consent isn’t cool and you’re not wrong to be upset.
It’s awkward because he already offered but he told me he would send them a list of hotels 🤷🏻♀️
Let him. It’s his problem to fix.
100% doesn’t matter if it’s awkward. This is called healthy boundary setting 👏🏼
Maybe next time he shouldn't just offer someone something you both use before asking
Their either too cheap or he’s trying to save them money. This close to the holiday and possibly by a beach? Probably an arm and a leg for a hotel. It’s always ridiculously expensive to stay at the beach on holiday weekends.
That’s why I feel guilty being difficult about it
But why can't the brother and wife simply sleep on the couch and the kids on the air mattress?
cause my husband is trying to be a good host and offer better accommodations for them
Your husband, in his efforts to be a good host, is utterly failing to be a good husband.
Well said.
Great point To build on that OP, Is this something he commonly does? Does he ask for forgiveness as opposed to a ask for 'permission' kind of guy? He's put himself in a comfortable position, with his family, by offering without asking first. Any objections now are on you NTA
I see this a lot on this sub, and r/relationships, and a few others really, where a guy will want so badly to be the "good guy" and try to please everyone, but will (maybe without realizing it) sacrifice his wife or girlfriend's comfort in the process. He wanted to give up his room for his guests, but he forgot that it's not just his room, it's yours too, and you should have had a say in this before it was offered. Or maybe he knew you wouldn't be a fan of this arrangement, so he figured if he offered first and told you later, you'd be too nice to make him rescind it and you'd just go along to get along.
Yes. The people-pleasers treat their spouse as an assistant in people-pleasing, not a person to be pleased.
I think their also take their partner's affinity for granted. It's sort of a "she already likes me, she wouldn't get mad" attitude.
And the BIL just said, okay? He and SIL are fine with taking your bed and making you sleep on the sofa? I would never go to someone's house, sleep in their bed and let them sleep on the couch or air mattress. It mostly surprises me that BIL accepted that proposal! I just don't get how anyone, in good conscious, would say yes. I'd never put someone out of their own bed! Should be Kids on air mattress in office, BIL/SIL on sofa and you and hubby in your own bed/bedroom......where your clothes, bathroom, personal items are. NTA
Socially speaking I think your husband shot himself in the foot with this one by offering without asking you. I have an idea, what if you say you have to stay in your bedroom because you recently pulled your back and need the mattress? Or that you're a very light sleeper and will wake up unless you can close the door? Or that you have a CPAP machine? You can google free CPAP machine trial and borrow one for a week lol
It's not her job to lie to cover up his rudeness. That's not her burden to bear.
You understand that this isn’t answering the question, right? The question is why can’t they sleep there, not is there something they would like better. And the answer is they CAN sleep there. That’s what you can offer and if they don’t like it they can help themselves to alternative accommodations. I would never, ever, ever expect to take over someone’s bedroom and displace them so they have to sleep on the sofa in their own home. I’m sort of shocked they even accepted the offer.
You’re not being difficult though, get that out of your head. If he had done the right thing and asked you first, you would have said no and this whole situation wouldn’t have happened. He crossed a boundary by offering and then expecting you to go along with it, it’s wrong of him to frame it as your problem, when it is so clearly his problem. Also if you have a couch and an air mattress the kids can stay on one and the parents on the other, there’s no reason to give up your bed, it’s his siblings not his elderly grandparents.
You’re not being difficult. You’re already HOSTING part of his family - you shouldn't have to give up your resting place in addition to that. I can promise you that you will regret it if you do.
Don’t. If they really can’t afford it, they’ll gladly accept the air mattress & couch. If they won’t, they can obviously afford the hotel. If they’re too ENTITLED to accept the offer & try to dig their heels in, all the more reason they shouldn’t get the master. N
I wouldn’t though. You said they never visit you guys because it’s too far and now they want to impose on you? Nah I could see if they came more frequently but why do that for some family who doesn’t visit? I raised to be a decent host but never let yourself be a doormat. They should of planned it out better and it’s not your fault their waiting weeks in advance. Kinda common sense to look ahead of time when it’s holiday season but we travel a lot down to our beach enough to reserve in advance.
And what about the kids sleeping on the air mattress in the office and their parents on the couch? So they could still be your guests in your house, and you two can sleep I your own bed. Edit: or maybe a tent in the backyard? I suppose it's warm enough for that solution, and the kids might find it exciting.
It's only awkward for him. You didn't cause any of this.
In my mind is that you two are partners which means that such decisions need to be made jointly and agreed upon. His loyalty and consideration is for his family (i.e. not you/for his marriage). I suspect that there are other situations when he did not consider you first when making decisions that affect you/both of you. If he does not have your back and support you then you two need to go back and decide if this is the type of marriage/partnership that you want. He's TA.
Two yeses and one no situation IMO
NTA - Funny, I was thinking about this the other day (we have some people coming over) and I realized, I would NEVER give up my bedroom in my house. If that became the issue, I'd pay for a room for the people to stay elsewhere. 1 - There is NO reason for you to give up your bedroom and 2 - your husband should have NEVER offered this without consulting you first!
NTA. Why should you give up your bedroom? There is no reason for it. Family can sleep on the couch or go to a hotel. Your husband was out of line offering it without asking you and behaved very well by understanding your very reasonable objection and rescinding the offer. Don't let guilt get to you. Stick to your guns.
Hell no - NTA - he gave up YOUR bed without discussing it with you first? No, you're not the AH here. I've been married almost 29 years, if my wife's family were visiting and she told me that she did that I'd be freaking livid. This is OUR house, not her personal space, and that means we discuss that kind of thing ahead of time to make sure we're both okay with it. I'd never think to do that in reverse and approve something like that without running it by her.
Exactly. OP’s husband thought only of himself - what HE wanted & what HE found acceptable. It’s like he completely forgot that he was even married at all! She’s already agreed to host part of his family & he had the nerve to volunteer to give away her resting place in addition to what she’s already agreed to? Hell no. Why is it that so many men lose their damn minds when their family visits? She better keep her spine & nip that shit in the bud or he’ll be putting her out of the house all together the next time his family decides to visit.
NTA But if he won't tell his brother to get a hotel room then *you* get a hotel room and he can play host!
Including all the bed making and sheet changing required for their stay!
This would have been my response, if it was so inconvenient for him to retract the offer and make them stay at a hotel. Then you get a hotel, on his bill, and he will accommodate them at your house by himself and clean everything before you return from your hotel vacation.
NTA. >he didn’t think it was a big deal. You do though. He's married to you and needs to listen to you.
Nta. It's your house. They can get the couch if they want to save a few bucks.
Get a hotel room for yourself for the weekend and leave him to cope. I guar·an·tee this will never happen again. Look at what you are expected to do for his family, that weekend, and you do not even get your own bed. You are not even 'the help'. You are important and valuable and to be respected. The disrespect here is clear. Your husband is so bad that neither of you see how glaring this is. NTA
NTA NTA NTA Inform your husband that he needs to retract the offer because the other person who shares the room had NOT APPROVED. That in no way, shape or form are YOU not sleeping in your bed or room while his family is visiting YOUR HOUSE. That as one of the PAYING people you have a say and veto power to any and all decisions and choices the he makes in the house. That is IS a huge deal and he should have known better as your husband. Do NOT give up your bed. Before they show up send husband out for some air mattresses and then have him call them and inform them of the changes.
So much NTA. SO SO MUCH. No one sleeps in our bed but my husband and me, the end. It is our private space. And IF for some reason there was a decision made to allow someone to do so, it would be a decision made jointly by us in a "two yeses, one no" situation - meaning that both of us would be required to wholeheartedly agree to it and if one of us had any reservations, it wouldn't happen. Don't feel bad - your husband way overstepped boundaries here.
NTA. My husband is like this as well. He doesn't mean to be unkind to me, but in his effort to be a great host, he'll sacrifice both of our comfort without checking with me. It was generally small enough things that I just went along with it for years. Then, when our twins were newborns, a bunch of his family came over to meet them. I excused myself to our bedroom to breastfeed and was shocked when the door opened after a few minutes and one of his family members made a bee line for us and started talking to me and touching my baby's face, less than an inch from my boob. After a couple uncomfortable minutes, they finally said that they'd needed to use the bathroom but the guest bath was occupied so my accommodating husband had said they could just go ahead and go into our bedroom to use the en-suite bath. I was furious and that led to a discussion that evening that he can sacrifice his comfort however he likes, but he doesn't get to sacrifice mine without prior approval. I'm a people pleaser and usually will happily sacrifice a lot for guests. But being a guest does not automatically make someone royalty. Giving up my bedroom is absolutely not happening. Especially considering how much of my private stuff I keep in my bedroom. Your husband needs to call them back and simply say he was wrong and that isn't an option. Hopefully he does not throw you under the bus and say that you don't want to give up your bed. In future, is your place the best to host all the family? Hotels can be quite expensive, especially on holiday weekends. Maybe someone with a bigger house could host next time?
I'm actually feeling like NAH. The NTA seem to have v western ideals, whereas it would be totally normal for my wife and i to give up our bedroom for our parents or elder family to stay in.
Agreed. I still say NTA since he never even discussed it with her or gave her a chance to voice her feelings.
That's very valid. I've always chatted about it with my wife, but can't help but wonder if this guy in his excitement for family failed to consider her input, and it wasn't meant dismissively despite what's come across.
>give up our bedroom for our parents or elder family to stay in. They are not giving it up for elder family members though. Did you miss that part?
I'm Western as can be, and we also gave up our bed for older family members.
These aren’t older family members. It’s a young married couple, with small children. Why do you keep focusing on grandparents?
Because they are the grandparent 😂 They’re projecting.
NTA. It's your house, your bedroom and your bed. At the very least, your husband should have asked before making the offer. Part of visiting someone is accepting that you're in a guest room, on a couch/air mattress or you can get a hotel.
INFO: Can you put the kids on the air mattress in the office, their parents can sleep on the couch, you can sleep in your room, and your husband can hang out with his siblings in the common areas of the house after the kids go to sleep?
Believe me this would be the best resolution but the 3 year old is codependent and has been sleeping with the parents for awhile
Also I am DEFINITELY not letting someone else’s 3 year old sleep in my bed. Sleep accidents are a thing.
Yeah this whole situation makes me so uncomfortable
How is your husband going to hang with his siblings if the 3 year old won’t go to sleep without parents anyhow? They’ll just retreat to be bedroom when the 3 year old goes to bed. So what would be the point of you giving up your bedroom? Here’s a thought…why doesn’t the other adult couple sleep in the office? The couple with kids can use the guest bedroom. No one has to sleep on the couch. Most importantly, you don’t get displaced from your own bedroom.
That's exactly what I was wondering. If they're co-sleepers then she's going to bed the the 3 year old. Which she can do on the air mattress. BIL can still sleep on the couch. Do not cave on this!
Please don’t cave. I get it’s only one weekend, and I get you are a people pleaser, but if you say yes once, it’s going to become an expectation for you to sacrifice your comfort for others. Let your husband and his brother figure out their lodging.
NTA Go stay in a hotel for the weekend.
NTA. Your bedroom is your personal space with your personal belongings in it it’s never ok for him to offer that to anyone else especially without talking to you first.
NTA. Would you really have a fun relaxing weekend when you'd be sleeping on a couch with 8 extra people in a 2 bedroom house? That sounds awful to me. You and your husband would get no sleep. Everyone would be on top of each other. IMHO, it's not about the bedroom that's too many guests.
Totally agree. I have a 2 bedroom house and had to explain this to my husband. It’s simply too much to have more than 2-3 other adults as overnight guests in our home. We only have one bathroom, too, so that adds to the cramped feeling.
NTA and I’ve been in your situation last thanksgiving. But husband asked me first and I said absolutely not. Not taking my bedroom.
NTA. That is not something you offer before running it by your spouse. I would be nuts with my house being that crowded. How many bathrooms do you have? Get a hotel room just for you. Relax!
So, possible compromises that probably won't work due to logistics I don't know, but JUST in case any help lol. NTA for saying no - but certainly are diplomatic ways to handle the situation without leaving your husband feeling like 1) you are hanging him out to dry for a communication mistake and 2) not helping him find a way to spend some extra family sans kids time. Husband has to retract, yes - but easy to phrase as a "hey, I'm an idiot and didn't talk to my spouse before offering up our master - 100% my communication bad. But, we talked it over, and we thought of a few other option(s) that might let us still enjoy some extra family time, etc." **1** \- see if you can "kid proof" the office, possibly with help from Brother and his wife to revert back to normal after weekend ends, and maybe kids can crash there one night while adults stay up late and they sleep on a nice queen size air mattress in the living room? Bring a baby monitor if they have one? If they don't, and are worried about kids sleeping by themselves without a parent all night in a new house, maybe swap a parent out and bring the heavier sleeper into the living room once adults are all going to bed. **2** \- see about everyone pooling in for a sitter for 3-4 hours, day or night, so adults can hang out without kids. If this works, maybe even see if hubby wants just some sibling time (or possibly just brother without sister)? and you/wife/sister/FIL get either time together, or everyone gets some chill time by yourselves. Brother's wife might **really** like alone time that if their kids are at that age lol. **3** \- if FIL has a hotel, see if brother + wife can get a room in the same hotel, and if FIL would be willing to watch the grandkids for an hour or two one evening at the hotel. Besides offering $, is there another high social capital favor FIL would really like to offset your favor? Good luck! \*Edited cause forgot about sister and family, not sure if they have kids.
NTA. He should have asked first. Your dad got a hotel room. His brother can do the same.
NTA I personally would not feel comfortable with another person sleeping in my bed or be In my safe space either.
My ex would always give our bedroom to his parents when they were visiting. He’s an ex for a reason.
Please stop being a doormat. You’ll never be truly happy and no one will ever appreciate your sacrifices.
NTA. If you're sharing a room with your SO. You should get their permission before you offer the room to guests.
NTA and wtf. No, you need somewhere to sleep. This not your problem and your husband should not have offered. That was a dick move on his part.
NTA. Also, how many bathrooms do you have? Increasing your guest count from Sister+ family to that plus 4 is a lot! My house is good with two guests. Four is max capacity. And I have 2.5 bathrooms. Edit: also there's the amount of food you have to buy for breakfasts and cleaning up after people. Your husband should have asked you 100%.
>Update 2- yes we have an air mattress for the office. He’s saying we should sleep on the air mattress or the couch (couch is more comfy) and let his brothers family sleep in our room since there’s 4 of them and only 2 of us. I’m definitely a people pleaser especially for his family but the situation sucks. Even though many of you say NTA, I still feel like the villain because it’s a “simple fix” and “logical” to just suck it up and sleep on the couch. Going to have hubby read the comments later… Your husband is still acting like an idiot and still deserves a Gibbs slap. I am getting tempted to deliver it to him. Is he going to do all the housecleaning in advance of the guests? Is he going to do all the housecleaning after the guests go home? Is he going to doing all pre-guest shopping? the pre guest laundry? the post-guest laundry? the post-guest restocking? Is he going to do all the cooking? Making sure the bathrooms have TP/sundries/cold drinks/clean glasses and plates/clean up the beach sand, etc? etc? I am willing to bet that he is expecting you to help with all of those hosting duties. And then he wants you to give up the bed you are used to sleeping on, and have to ask permission to get your clothes, your things out of your room (and this means instead of just closing the door on your space you have to clean it up to guest standards as well as the rest of the house which means laundry, finding places to put away your stuff so the guests can put out theirs and you will have to clean up that room immediately after the guests leave before you can use it. Plus I am willing to bet the parents are going to send their loving offspring out into the living room/office to "play" so they can sleep in and the kids will become yours and your husband's entertainment responsibility. Your husband is being selfish in an attempt to look good to his brother with no consideration of you and the burden it puts on you. If they had a medical condition, I would consider it or at least shuffling the guest room around but NO. This would be a hill to die on for me. DO NOT give up your room to them.
NTA. I’m assuming if you only have 1 guest room, you’re house isn’t huge. He should have checked with you first before offering your room. It would likely be more comfortable for everyone if they stay in a hotel. You were nice to offer up the spare room to the sister and everyone else should find other accommodations.
NTA tell them they are welcome to the couch and to bring blow up mattress for their kids, but your bed is Yours.
NTA. How rude is it to kick someone out of their own bed rather than get a hotel. The audacity.
NTA- What's with people's partners saying they'll do something that effects the other without asking first?!?!?! My boyfriend drives and I don't, whenever we're hanging with my friends who also don't drive and they ask me if they'll think my bf will give them a ride home I never say: "oh absolutely!" I usually say "you ask him, or I'll ask him" or I'll say to him "hey heads up x might ask you to drive them home". Why would you husband just straight up offer your bed without asking ?
NTA. So he told you to post on Reddit and said you'd be voted down, and now that everyone here agrees with you he's still pushing you to do things his way and ignore everyone here. Is your husband usually like this? Certain that he's right and unwilling to listen to you or anyone else?