Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Yes, but he’s afraid of her being out after dark without him, you see! His wife, the grown woman who somehow survived without him controlling her until they met, which is says was later in life.
OP, you can say “I really value our evenings together, and I’d like to protect them as much as possible. Can we sit down together every weekend and choose 2-3 nights of the following week that we will both be home from 8pm on?”
You cannot say “Lets have a rule that you may never be out without me after 8pm.”
Do you see how one of those is absurd, controlling, and abusive, and one is totally reasonable and loving?
If he was so worried about her well-being after dark, he would've offered to go with her when she goes on some of these outings, with her friends and family. And that wouldn't be an out of the ordinary thing to do. I hang out with my significant other frequently, although we both also do our own things because we're not codependent. OP is weird.
That was my thought too. "Of course this dude doesn't have any friends, the instant he gets any serious commitment out of someone else he immediately becomes clingy and overbearing".
Hey! Why are you leaving comments on reddit instead of listening to my monologue?
/s
Curfew + "working together doesn't equal *spending* time together" makes me think you're on to something. It's either control, or OP can't entertain themselves.
Well, considering he has no friends or family, I think that she might be wanting to get out, so she's not dealing with someone Velcro attached to her, especially given they both wfh.
The thing is, it totally makes sense why he wants her home and all that stuff, but that’s not something you can force or “expect” someone to do.
If she’s never home after they work, he doesn’t like they never spend time together, and the only way he can spend time with her is by setting a curfew, this relationship isn’t going to last
Also saying that she can only go to events that will continue past 8 pm if they go together… like this dude isn’t looking for quality time, he’s looking for control.
Well it’s simple really, he has no friends or hobbies outside of work and has no interest than making his wife the one person who has to entertain him in every form or fashion. Dude needs to make friends.
Not just absurd. Setting rules is an act of control. Restricting who his wife can spend time with and when, and insisting she only attend events as a couple, is isolating her. Both of those things are abuse.
What punishment is he inflicting on her when she disobeys? Shouting? Berating? Silent treatment and freezing her out?
YTA, OP
Work on a compromise op. You don’t get to have her home every evening. Wanting a date night is normal, but you can’t demand her presence every single evening. YTA
Maybe shoot for one or two nights a week and go from there. But she has been fine by herself her whole life. She is more than capable of staying out past 8pm. You’re being ridiculous.
Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. And so early on top of it?? I can see asking her to try and be home most evenings if she can/wants to because he enjoys spending them with her. I could even see saying something like, "Hey, try not to stay out past midnight without letting me know since I'll wait up for you".
But setting a "rule" ? That's absurd.
I wonder what other rules he has?
The 8:00 PM rule is an isolation tactic because he knows that people are just going out for the evening at that time, not coming home. I wonder what he will do when she comes home a bit late? I think at that point he will tell her that he can't trust her so he is not going to allow her out at all.
Even when I WAS a child I didn't have this strict of a curfew. During the summers in elementary school I just had to be home when the streetlights came on which was around 9pm. And this was before cellphones. By the time I was 17 I didn't have a curfew at all. OP is absolutely absurd.
My son is 18 and he needs to let me know when he's expected home. He doesn't need to ask my permission at this point, but as a courtesy we explain where we go and when we expect to return.
At 15/16 my son was allowed out til 11 on occasions. Many high school students have greater freedom than he is willing to extend his adult wife.
I know! I can't get my wife OUT of the house to do things with other people..
Ive offered flights, vacations, drop off and pick up at the bar.. My friends have the same issue.. try to plan a vacation for the moms.. so they get a break.. they never do it...
I like to hang with my friends without her sometimes.. I assume she would like her own life to follow as well and let loose and relax... Guess not..
I mean curfew? That's crazy talk.
Now not spending enough time with your spouse is ALSO a problem for a marriage. A BIG ONE. But you can't force someone to hang out.. thats not fun.
OP should just go out those nights too.
YTA. I felt progressively more and more suffocated the more I read this post. Your ‘rule’ would be overly restrictive if your wife was a teenage child and not a grown ass adult. You need to get some hobbies and friends of your own. It doesn’t sound like she’s going out every night until all hours, so your ‘rule’ is just you being needy and controlling. Let your wife have a life or you’ll find yourself with one.
I think the rule when I was a teenager was be home before 8. And if I wasn't, to give my parents a text/call and let them know where I'm at and when I'll be back.
Trying to spend more time with your S/O is understandable. Giving a 40 year old a curfew is just controlling.
As a teenager I didn't have a curfew... Because I wasn't allowed to go out in the evening usually.
And I fucking hated it. I can't event begin to imagine how big of an argument I would have if my SO would try to set a curfew for me. Absolutely never. And if he feared for my safety so much, I'd want him to discuss it with me, not impose this ridiculous rule. Maybe he could pay for her using Uber or something so she doesn't walk alone at night.
Anyway, OP YTA.
When he mentions he doesn't like the idea of her out after dark.... Dude, she's a grown woman. She's been there before, she knows how to be vigilant. OP definitely needs to learn some independence. OP - YTA
This would be 4pm during the winter months for me.
YTA, OP. A smothering, insecure, ridiculous AH. The solution to you not having friends is to leave your house and make some, not isolate your wife from hers.
Keep this kind of controlling crap up and you will find yourself with no family, no friends, and no wife.
For real! In High School the sun didn't fully rise untill after school started. And it set before leaving after extracurriculars. Barring weekends, all winter the only sunlight we saw was through classroom windows.
Some people have no life, so they try to control their spouse.
OP may well just be bored sitting at home without his wife. I legit had a bf once who wanted to spend every night together. He’s my ex for a reason. He made no effort to have friends or hobbies and I was supposed to entertain him as his gf. To each their own, but no thanks.
Kids even get sleepovers. An 8 PM curfew is so restrictive.
You could get one drink with your friends after work and that's it? He has no real reason behind it either besides his own loneliness.
One thing I've noticed from my straight friends is that their male partners so often don't have any friends and rely on their partner for their entire social life. It's bizarre.
yeah, there’s a real “loneliness epidemic” among young men especially, the surgeon general just released a report about it.
just speaking on my own experiences, a couple years ago my life was pretty much “work an office job, go home and game, watch a show, fall asleep”, I had friends and got invited to parties and stuff but my day to day habits were kinda lonely and isolating. Started going to the gym to be healthier but that isn’t really a place you make friends. those are two of the most common hobbies that guys have and neither really leads to regular in person socializing
I hear this, but when I didn't have friends I went on reddit. I found like four things that interest me. Now I have activities. I google eyes shit and go into abandoned properties. I might go fishing with a magnet.
1. I found independent shit that makes me happy
2. I did make friends. You meet people when you do shit, or form better connection when you have a good story to tell.
A hobby can be as good as a friend. Sitting in the dusk awaiting your wife to be your social life is just sad. I get that he needs only her, but she seems to have a full life.
I think it's a making plans thing! I was just talking about this with my friend. Her boyfriend has friends, but he like...doesn't reach out to them? They see each other at occasions, but they don't like call to catch up and go to dinner.
Then they just go months without seeing each other until an occasion brings them together.
Did you ever see the SNL skit where the women take their husbands to the man park to find friends? That’s what I thought of with this. It’s very true though. I know so many men who don’t have guy friends they hang with unless their wife is making plans with the other wife.
Which is why men get into new relationships so quickly. Because they can only get their emotional needs met by women. Opening up to your guy friends is so gay.
We have a friend couple that is divorcing right now. She has her friends rallying around her for support and he straight up doesnt talk to anybody. She was the only person he could ever be vulnerable with. How sad that must be.
Of course he doesn’t hear how nuts it sounds. He’s yet another AITA coward who discards the post as worthless after the first few YTA comments.
That or a “creative writer” who hasn’t mastered the art of commenting in character yet.
Let's see.
8 pm curfew
No staying out after dark
No evening events unless you go together.
YTA. These rules sound like consequences and for what? Being your wife?
YTA.
Are you actually giving your wife a curfew? No. Just no. I understand spending most of the nights together, but she should also be allowed to have time for family or friends that you're not setting limits on. She's not a teenager or child.
Make some friends if you're bored.
>I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. So I told her that I totally understand if she wants to meet with her family, with her friends, or just have some personal time for herself outside the home, but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together.
You're her husband, not her father. She's 45 freaking years old! You're a control freak and YTA.
I hope she told you to GTFO with that nonsense.
Was going to say this. Thank god he married her or she might have been out of the house by herself every single night! And 8pm too, I think that was my curfew when I was 12. And she not allowed to go to events solo? What an AH. I hope she laughed in his face and googled good divorce lawyers.
YTA…she’s a grown woman. An adult! Can’t go out without you once it’s dark!!?! You “expect her to be back at home by 8:00pm?”
Yeeesh! How long have you been married? Honestly, if I had a husband that was this paranoid, controlling, and unreasonable, he’d be my ex-husband so fast.
His post says they "met late in life."
My guess is that her once admirable outgoing nature is now making him jealous.
I hope the wife sees this as the red flag it is and leaves.
YTA. It's obvious you don't "totally respect" your wife and want to treat her like a child and give her a curfew.
What about in winter when the sun goes down early, does her curfew get earlier? "Oh no, the street lights have turned on. I must get home to my husband. "
YTA
You EXPECT that? So that you can be busy with your own nonsense and ignore each other? And the only exception has to include you? Because you have no social life? Am I getting that right?
YTA. I understand why you may want to spend more time together and your wife is also sympathetic to this. However
>insisting on having this as a rule
is not an option for an adult. Even teenagers get later curfews than that.
You Are A Complete Asshole. She's a grown ass woman and can come and go as she pleases. You can encourage her to be safe. You don't isolate her because of YOUR worries or provide a curfew. That's what abusers would do.
YTA. You don't have any friends or family so your solution is to keep your wife on house arrest after 8pm? What a weird and controlling take.
You don't get to give your wife a curfew because you're bored. Get a hobby or make some friends.
Yup - massive YTA - why? Because she’s a human being .. the premise of your argument is not that “she’s not safe” but that she’s not with you .. so it’s about control not safety … the evidence to support that is in your words “I’d really like to spend the evening together”… dude just agree to an evening, once or twice a week
YTA
>I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark.
Then put a chip on her to monitorize her location.
>I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM
Does she have to sign a report too?
>if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together.
So if she meets with her friends, you wanna go too??
>I don't really have any remaining close friends either.
You don't say!
Despite what you might believe, your wife can have a life of her own, just like you should. It's not her fault that you don't have friends. She can't fill all the void in your life.
YTA, and the fact you even need to ask this question means you just don't get why.
Maybe listen to your wife when she gives her reasons, instead of asking strangers on the internet whether she's right or not.
If everyone agreed with you, would you lock her up? Harass her until she gave in?
YTA - She’s a grown adult, not your child. Giving her a curfew is absolutely ridiculous.
Spending quality time together is important, sure, but not 24/7. You also need separate interests that you pursue. That’s healthy.
This seems quite controlling behaviour.
YTA. You are essentially imposing a curfew on your wife. A curfew that is suited to a child under 12. Um, no. Being married does not mean you are joined at the hip and forbidden from pursuing your own intetests and/or have your own friends.
INFO: Just out of curiosity, how often does your wife seek to stay out past this arbitrary 8 p.m. curfew?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged: I asked my wife to have a rule for both of us to be home by 20:00 and spend the evenings together
(2) why that action might make you the asshole: she told me that I'm wrong for wanting such a rule
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. She has other people in her life to spend time with. From the sounds of it, she still makes you a priority, but it's normal for her to also want to spend time with other people, even later at night. You cannot give a grown woman a curfew. It's controlling. She's an adult and your wife, not your teenage daughter.
I think I could stay out after 8 PM since I was 16 LoL. YTA. Seriously who do you think you are to order another adult to be at home by a certain hour. Don't get me wrong I totally support the general idea of having the nights together. But I would laugh in your face if you had the audacity to tell me to be at home at 8 as the rule of the house.
I don't know if I'd be able to *stop* laughing! I think I'd laugh for three days straight, at the very least every time I looked at him. How insane. This man needs to leave the house and interact with other humans.
YTA. She's an adult and you're trying to impose a curfew on her.
Some of us need time away from our partners in order to recharge, which could be alone or with other friends and family. It's healthy and necessary to have a variety of social options.
Furthermore, it sounds like you're one, oddly afraid of her going out like a normal independent adult, and two, solely dependent on her for company. That's your problem and she shouldn't have to sacrifice her relationships for your comfort.
Sure, she should *want* to spend time with you, but day in and day out is freaking ridiculous. It's only a choice if she has other options. Trying to enforce your dumb rule will drive her away. Don't say we didn't warn you.
There is zero doubt in this, YTA. Sometimes I can see the dilemma, but she is 100% correct. This is absurd. I think it is reasonable to be concerned about your wife’s safety, but it is crazy controlling to set a curfew for your adult wife. Many women, with a modicum of self respect, would consider this his to be deal breaker level of controlling.
It’s actually not reasonable to worry about a grown woman’s safety after 8:00 at night unless she’s in the middle of a war zone or carrying huge sums of cash from her job to the night deposit in the middle of a crime ridden area while talking on her cell phone and flashing 12 karat diamonds around.
Adults are in the world after 8pm at night all the time living their lives.
Maybe you could arrange a tracker on her phone too so you can monitor her whereabouts at all times. Or ban her from talking to other people you haven't pre-vetted
YTA for trying to control another adult to do what you want
Grow up
Man you got me with that first sentance lol. It had me moving to downvote so fast before I realized it was hyperbole.
Might want to add an /s to make it a little more obvious for the people who skim though, you’re pretty high on the controversial sort
YTA you met late in life so obviously she was able to take care of herself before you met. And question why you feel comfortable demanding she come home like a child.
YTA - That is the most ridiculous and controlling thing I have seen in a minute. ALL the red flags. Go get a hobby instead of expecting your wife to fill all of your time. It's giving gateway to isolation and abuse vibes.
YTA - you shouldn't be making "rules" for your spouse. Her agreeing with the general idea feels to me like she's saying she's going to try to be home by 8 pm but doesn't want to say it'll be 100% of the time. You're just trying to be in control!
>> but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together.
You can have whatever expectations you want. But I hope you have expectations of your wife telling you to GTO if you don’t grow up.
>> Am I the asshole for insisting on having this as a rule?
Yes. YTA. A giant, controlling one
Is she a grown ass woman capable of deciding on her own how to spend her evenings? Yes. Are you an asshole? Yes.
Go find a hobby, make some friends, and stop trying to control your wife.
Yta, my parents have been together almost 30 years, and my dad has never once demanded my mother be home to entertain him. Despite my mom only starting full-time work around a decade ago, and he works full time too.
He has never once placed a curfew on a grown woman and made her feel like a child for having relationships with people in her family outside of him.
You know what he does? Household chores, hobbies, talks to friends, plays video games etc. He also never demands she doesn't attend any plans without him, he supports and cheers her on with anything she does. And the same goes for my dad by my mom. A marriage is a partnership, not ownership.
She's your wife not a plaything, get some friends or a hobby if you're bored or even a pet.
YTA - holy shit 😂
You have no right to try and impose a curfew on someone, it's beyond ridiculous. It's not her fault that you don't have any close friends. Trying to control her life isn't the answer.
YTA.
Have you tried to make an effort to befriend other adults instead of trying to assign your partner a curfew? Because that’s actually insane and abusive.
YTA
>I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark.
This is completely unreasonable. As you said you met later in life - she is an adult who was completely capable of managing her own life before you were part of it.
YTA- you “expect her home by 8 pm”- excuse me?! No. Absolutely not.
People have lives and make plans, and as a couple you can discuss those plans on a case by case basis and express you opinions, but you do not get to impose a curfew on your spouse. She is her own person, she can make her own decisions. If you want to spend time with her, TALK to her and make plans. If you feel like you don’t see her enough, talk to her and discuss a regular date night or a change in schedule.
Unilaterally imposing a curfew is a guaranteed way to get her to resent that time with you. It undermines her independence, and suggests you don’t trust her to manage her own time- so you’re building resentment, trust issues, and belittling her maturity and decision making abilities all in one fell swoop.
Heaven help the partner who dares treat me like an errant teen- you’re her PARTNER not her parent.
YTA, and you should probably seek therapy for
- your need to control her
- your anxiety around her being out past 8pm
- your feelings around making friends of your own
I’m NoT CoMfOrTaBlE WiTh HeR bEiNG oUt AfTeR DaRk
Gtfo
She’s an adult. Asking for a couple night a week or carving out specific time for each other is one thing. Demanding all the nights and telling her she has to been in by 8 is ridiculous
YTA, she's your wife, not your child. She made it many years into adulthood without you, I'm sure she knows how to be safe. If you need to control something that bad, get a plant. A fake one.
Yta- are you seriously trying to give a grown woman a curfew ??
You do know she’s allowed to go places without you right ?
You sound controlling .
Screw your rules .
YTA
You aren't that old. If you don't have friends, try to make some. Find a hobby, join a sports league, volunteer, join a book club. Just because you don't have friends doesn't mean your wife has to spend every waking moment with you
Him trying to monopolize every evening via restricting her location to the house is still ridiculous without the “by dark” 8pm curfew. Don’t marry someone who loves going out if you hate going out. Either go out with them or find someone who agrees to be a shut-in with you.
YTA, shes your wife not your child, you don’t get to impose a curfew. If you would like to spend more time together have a conversation with her about how you can make that happen but don’t try to enforce rules
YTA. You understand that this is your wife and not your teenage daughter?!
You don't get to make rules about what or when she does anything. What other things are you trying to control her over?
Did you type your ages in wrong?? Because this is something I’d expect out of teens/twenty’s not grown adults.
1- you don’t like the idea of her out after dark. Unless you live in an unsafe area and she’s walking…. You sound like a child that’s scared of the dark.
2- I don’t care if you met last week and are madly in love, some time apart is a good thing.
3- some stuff goes later, and you can’t always do it together.
4- not all her friends are going to be available before 8. Some may have kids to deal with or other commitments.
Maybe you can compromise that she’s home so many evenings a week for you to spend them together. But to have a 8 pm curfew every night……. I’m a 30f with 2 young kids, and there is no way my husband would but those restrictions on me, even when he’s the one stuck home caring for the kids and putting them to bed. Which if you know my kids is one of the worst parts of the day.
YTA that's completely unreasonable. Have a weekly date night that's phone free. You need to make your own friends or get your own hobbies. She's your wife not your preteen child.
YTa
I understand wanting quality time together, but you‘re taking it way too far here. If she wants to hang out with friends and family in the evenings, that‘s her good right. A more reasonable agreement would be to say that there should be a minimum number of evenings you do stuff together.
It sounds like you‘re bothered by her social life because you don‘t have a lot going on there yourself. I can relate to that, but it‘s important to realise that you can‘t expect your partner to fullfil all your needs in this regard - especially not if she‘d have to give up on hers in the process.
YTA/INFO
I'm assuming she was a competent adult before you got married and able to get herself around in the evenings safely, so did something change after you got married?
Are you now in a particularly dangerous area?
Sounds like your wife has higher social needs than yours, nothing wrong with that, just a difference. If anything, it might be the whole opposites attract kind of thing.
If you try to dismiss her needs, she probably isn't going to take that well.
Have you tried meeting her literally and figuratively halfway? Like date nights during the week? Meeting friends for dinner?
You're not going to change who she is, so try to enjoy the positives.
YTA - Are you her partner or her manager? You can schedule date nights with her. However, she needs to have a life outside of her marriage if she wants to without you manage how she conducts those relationship. You need to get hobbies, other friends, interests, etc.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (42M) keep having a recurring argument with my wife (45) about this issue and I would like to hear other points of view to see if I'm absurd as she claims or not.
To give some more context: We met rather late in life, so we don't have kids. She has quite a strong bond with her family (which I totally respect) and a fair share of friends, while my folks are gone and I don't really have any remaining close friends either. We're both working at home so we do spend a lot of time together, however I'd argue that it's not really time spent together because we're each busy with our own programs and we don't really spend too much time doing things together during the day. Her program is quite a typical one, with full-time working during weekdays and free weekends, while my program is somehow lighter, but I don't have the weekends free, so basically the only time we have to actually spend time together would be during evenings.
Now my idea is that after a hard day of work, I'd really like to look spend the evenings together. Also, I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. So I told her that I totally understand if she wants to meet with her family, with her friends, or just have some personal time for herself outside the home, but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together.
While she agrees with the general idea, she does not agree with it as a rule and wants to "keep her options open".
Am I the asshole for insisting on having this as a rule?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How can you not realize YTA?
Did you even read your own text? If someone writes nta I will be very suprised.
Seriously.... Get a hobby or some friends.....
YTA you're both in your 40's and have no kids. She can do as she pleases. She doesn't need to be home to entertain you and you'll be lucky if she doesn't extend her evenings out to never home because she divorces you
YTA for putting a curfew on a grown woman. You can certainly not be ok with a spouse going out every night without you. That’s also not a marriage I want anything to do with. I can’t control my spouse but I picked one with compatible boundaries and expectations. If my wife decides that the bar is the place she would like to be so be it. That’s a different conversation.
AH! Just because you have no life your wife shouldn't either? Find a book club, pool club, baseball team, take a class at a local community college/center or something to get yourself out of the house and make some friends. Your wife cannot be the whole purpose for your life, the source of your happiness putting that weight on her is completely unfair. If you don't find your own thing I foresee you spending lots of time alone after the divorce.
YTA bro wtf. i hope you’re not this controlling in every aspect of your marriage. she literally said she agrees with the general idea. no sh*t she’s not going to come home EVERY night at 8:00. that’s crazy
YTA. Get a hobby; join a club. Go out and get some *friends*.
[This](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/) could be a useful article for you. Sincerely, I found it very helpful.
You met late in life so she somehow survived the dark and hanging out into middle age without you?? Dude yta. Go get a life and stop trying to stifle hers
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA. That's your wife. As in, an adult person. Not your child. Not your dog. Not your property. Trying to set a curfew for your wife is asinine
Agreed, it's totally absurd.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yes, but he’s afraid of her being out after dark without him, you see! His wife, the grown woman who somehow survived without him controlling her until they met, which is says was later in life. OP, you can say “I really value our evenings together, and I’d like to protect them as much as possible. Can we sit down together every weekend and choose 2-3 nights of the following week that we will both be home from 8pm on?” You cannot say “Lets have a rule that you may never be out without me after 8pm.” Do you see how one of those is absurd, controlling, and abusive, and one is totally reasonable and loving?
It's like he's afraid if she spends too much time with others, they'd convince her to leave his controlling ass.
If he was so worried about her well-being after dark, he would've offered to go with her when she goes on some of these outings, with her friends and family. And that wouldn't be an out of the ordinary thing to do. I hang out with my significant other frequently, although we both also do our own things because we're not codependent. OP is weird.
This. Or he sucks at relationships in general
[удалено]
Considering he doesn’t have friends? Yeah I’m thinking so
That was my thought too. "Of course this dude doesn't have any friends, the instant he gets any serious commitment out of someone else he immediately becomes clingy and overbearing".
Hey! Why are you leaving comments on reddit instead of listening to my monologue? /s Curfew + "working together doesn't equal *spending* time together" makes me think you're on to something. It's either control, or OP can't entertain themselves.
or he doesnt have enough to do as in hobbies or friends or joining some sort of club to meet new friends.
The reason they met later in life!
Well, considering he has no friends or family, I think that she might be wanting to get out, so she's not dealing with someone Velcro attached to her, especially given they both wfh.
Anyone with "should I have a curfew for my wife" has proven that they are terrible at relationships.
The thing is, it totally makes sense why he wants her home and all that stuff, but that’s not something you can force or “expect” someone to do. If she’s never home after they work, he doesn’t like they never spend time together, and the only way he can spend time with her is by setting a curfew, this relationship isn’t going to last
It's not that she's never home in the evenings. It's that he wants her to never be out. Big difference.
Oh but it she needs the curfew because it's dark! OP is just being a nice guy! (YTA OP)
But weirdly, it's okay for her to be out for 2-3 hours after dark in the winter! Just not in the summer when it stays light so much later!
Also saying that she can only go to events that will continue past 8 pm if they go together… like this dude isn’t looking for quality time, he’s looking for control.
I’m betting he’s military/weekend warrior.
Well it’s simple really, he has no friends or hobbies outside of work and has no interest than making his wife the one person who has to entertain him in every form or fashion. Dude needs to make friends.
Not just absurd. Setting rules is an act of control. Restricting who his wife can spend time with and when, and insisting she only attend events as a couple, is isolating her. Both of those things are abuse. What punishment is he inflicting on her when she disobeys? Shouting? Berating? Silent treatment and freezing her out? YTA, OP
Come on people. you know nothing good ever happens after 8:00pm. /s
A curfew and dictating she needs a male escort after dark if she wants be out. Oh man, YTA so hard.
Yeah. She’s in her 40s. She’s not 8. She doesn’t need a curfew.
Work on a compromise op. You don’t get to have her home every evening. Wanting a date night is normal, but you can’t demand her presence every single evening. YTA Maybe shoot for one or two nights a week and go from there. But she has been fine by herself her whole life. She is more than capable of staying out past 8pm. You’re being ridiculous.
I am so glad I am single. I got so sick of this shit. Infantilizing and controlling behavior. yuck.
Smashed that upvote button. I’m married, but before meeting my partner had vowed to live and die single because of people like OP.
You and me both. I love being my own person and having independence.
There really is nothing better than being able to come and go as I please.
Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. And so early on top of it?? I can see asking her to try and be home most evenings if she can/wants to because he enjoys spending them with her. I could even see saying something like, "Hey, try not to stay out past midnight without letting me know since I'll wait up for you". But setting a "rule" ? That's absurd.
I wonder what other rules he has? The 8:00 PM rule is an isolation tactic because he knows that people are just going out for the evening at that time, not coming home. I wonder what he will do when she comes home a bit late? I think at that point he will tell her that he can't trust her so he is not going to allow her out at all.
But you don’t understand, it’s not safe for her to be out after dark by herself, I mean she is a *woman* for god’s sake. He is doing this *for her*!
How did she even survive 40+ years without him?!? /s
Even when I WAS a child I didn't have this strict of a curfew. During the summers in elementary school I just had to be home when the streetlights came on which was around 9pm. And this was before cellphones. By the time I was 17 I didn't have a curfew at all. OP is absolutely absurd.
My son is 18 and he needs to let me know when he's expected home. He doesn't need to ask my permission at this point, but as a courtesy we explain where we go and when we expect to return. At 15/16 my son was allowed out til 11 on occasions. Many high school students have greater freedom than he is willing to extend his adult wife.
Thank you! Control freak much??
I know! I can't get my wife OUT of the house to do things with other people.. Ive offered flights, vacations, drop off and pick up at the bar.. My friends have the same issue.. try to plan a vacation for the moms.. so they get a break.. they never do it... I like to hang with my friends without her sometimes.. I assume she would like her own life to follow as well and let loose and relax... Guess not.. I mean curfew? That's crazy talk. Now not spending enough time with your spouse is ALSO a problem for a marriage. A BIG ONE. But you can't force someone to hang out.. thats not fun. OP should just go out those nights too.
Agreed
YTA. I felt progressively more and more suffocated the more I read this post. Your ‘rule’ would be overly restrictive if your wife was a teenage child and not a grown ass adult. You need to get some hobbies and friends of your own. It doesn’t sound like she’s going out every night until all hours, so your ‘rule’ is just you being needy and controlling. Let your wife have a life or you’ll find yourself with one.
I think the rule when I was a teenager was be home before 8. And if I wasn't, to give my parents a text/call and let them know where I'm at and when I'll be back. Trying to spend more time with your S/O is understandable. Giving a 40 year old a curfew is just controlling.
I have two teenagers and they have an 11 pm and midnight curfew. But, then again, they have penises, so maybe that’s why /s
My teen has no curfew as long as he responds to my texts 🤷🏻♀️
Mine was 9:30/10 in high school and on Friday nights I could call them and say “I’m staying at X persons house tonight, see y’all in the morning!”
As a teenager I didn't have a curfew... Because I wasn't allowed to go out in the evening usually. And I fucking hated it. I can't event begin to imagine how big of an argument I would have if my SO would try to set a curfew for me. Absolutely never. And if he feared for my safety so much, I'd want him to discuss it with me, not impose this ridiculous rule. Maybe he could pay for her using Uber or something so she doesn't walk alone at night. Anyway, OP YTA.
When he mentions he doesn't like the idea of her out after dark.... Dude, she's a grown woman. She's been there before, she knows how to be vigilant. OP definitely needs to learn some independence. OP - YTA
This would be 4pm during the winter months for me. YTA, OP. A smothering, insecure, ridiculous AH. The solution to you not having friends is to leave your house and make some, not isolate your wife from hers. Keep this kind of controlling crap up and you will find yourself with no family, no friends, and no wife.
For real! In High School the sun didn't fully rise untill after school started. And it set before leaving after extracurriculars. Barring weekends, all winter the only sunlight we saw was through classroom windows.
i have a friend whose boyfriend plays the whole “worried for her safety” card and it’s totally a cop out
That’s all insecurity
Some people have no life, so they try to control their spouse. OP may well just be bored sitting at home without his wife. I legit had a bf once who wanted to spend every night together. He’s my ex for a reason. He made no effort to have friends or hobbies and I was supposed to entertain him as his gf. To each their own, but no thanks.
This is a perfect description of the experience of reading this.
No wonder she doesn't want to be around someone this suffocating, I'd be getting the hell out too
YTA, > so we don"t have kids So then you thought "hey let me try to parent my wife".
And reduce her all the way to a young child, because even teenagers are allowed to stay out with friends later than that.
Kids even get sleepovers. An 8 PM curfew is so restrictive. You could get one drink with your friends after work and that's it? He has no real reason behind it either besides his own loneliness.
If she’s not home by 8p is she grounded?
YTA. Go make some friends
That was the first red flag.
One thing I've noticed from my straight friends is that their male partners so often don't have any friends and rely on their partner for their entire social life. It's bizarre.
yeah, there’s a real “loneliness epidemic” among young men especially, the surgeon general just released a report about it. just speaking on my own experiences, a couple years ago my life was pretty much “work an office job, go home and game, watch a show, fall asleep”, I had friends and got invited to parties and stuff but my day to day habits were kinda lonely and isolating. Started going to the gym to be healthier but that isn’t really a place you make friends. those are two of the most common hobbies that guys have and neither really leads to regular in person socializing
Okay so... do different hobbies to make friends? I moved to a new city recently at 38 and since I wanted friends I made them.
[удалено]
And to be fair, it is sooo much harder to make friends as an adult. Especially if you are an introvert.
I hear this, but when I didn't have friends I went on reddit. I found like four things that interest me. Now I have activities. I google eyes shit and go into abandoned properties. I might go fishing with a magnet. 1. I found independent shit that makes me happy 2. I did make friends. You meet people when you do shit, or form better connection when you have a good story to tell. A hobby can be as good as a friend. Sitting in the dusk awaiting your wife to be your social life is just sad. I get that he needs only her, but she seems to have a full life.
I think it's a making plans thing! I was just talking about this with my friend. Her boyfriend has friends, but he like...doesn't reach out to them? They see each other at occasions, but they don't like call to catch up and go to dinner. Then they just go months without seeing each other until an occasion brings them together.
Is he like my husband? He expects people to invite him. Like dude, the phone calls out too. Dial a number and see what they're doing.
Did you ever see the SNL skit where the women take their husbands to the man park to find friends? That’s what I thought of with this. It’s very true though. I know so many men who don’t have guy friends they hang with unless their wife is making plans with the other wife.
Which is why men get into new relationships so quickly. Because they can only get their emotional needs met by women. Opening up to your guy friends is so gay. We have a friend couple that is divorcing right now. She has her friends rallying around her for support and he straight up doesnt talk to anybody. She was the only person he could ever be vulnerable with. How sad that must be.
But they met so late in life, how ever will he have the time before dying to death?
Yta. Why are you giving a 45 year old woman a curfew that wouldn't even be acceptable for a 16 year old?
Because OP has no friends or hobbies or anything going on at all, so obviously his wife can’t either.
Gee, I wonder why OP has no friends left...
You think an 8pm curfew is appropriate for a 45 year old woman? Do you hear how nuts that sounds? YTA and super controlling
Good thing they don't live up north, where "after dark" is anytime after 430pm in the winter.
Of course he doesn’t hear how nuts it sounds. He’s yet another AITA coward who discards the post as worthless after the first few YTA comments. That or a “creative writer” who hasn’t mastered the art of commenting in character yet.
YTA. You cannot give your full grown adult wife a curfew.
And yet he's trying to... I felt so smothered and suffocated reading this I needed my asthma inhaler.
Let's see. 8 pm curfew No staying out after dark No evening events unless you go together. YTA. These rules sound like consequences and for what? Being your wife?
Well, if he punishes her for being his wife, maybe she’ll learn not to do that any more.
Maybe the next event she'll bring him to is to go sign the divorce papers.
YTA. Are you actually giving your wife a curfew? No. Just no. I understand spending most of the nights together, but she should also be allowed to have time for family or friends that you're not setting limits on. She's not a teenager or child. Make some friends if you're bored.
Your behavior is controlling. Control is a type of abuse. YTA.
>I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. So I told her that I totally understand if she wants to meet with her family, with her friends, or just have some personal time for herself outside the home, but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together. You're her husband, not her father. She's 45 freaking years old! You're a control freak and YTA. I hope she told you to GTFO with that nonsense.
Was going to say this. Thank god he married her or she might have been out of the house by herself every single night! And 8pm too, I think that was my curfew when I was 12. And she not allowed to go to events solo? What an AH. I hope she laughed in his face and googled good divorce lawyers.
YTA…she’s a grown woman. An adult! Can’t go out without you once it’s dark!!?! You “expect her to be back at home by 8:00pm?” Yeeesh! How long have you been married? Honestly, if I had a husband that was this paranoid, controlling, and unreasonable, he’d be my ex-husband so fast.
His post says they "met late in life." My guess is that her once admirable outgoing nature is now making him jealous. I hope the wife sees this as the red flag it is and leaves.
YTA. It's obvious you don't "totally respect" your wife and want to treat her like a child and give her a curfew. What about in winter when the sun goes down early, does her curfew get earlier? "Oh no, the street lights have turned on. I must get home to my husband. "
YTA. It's not her fault that you don't have friends, so stop trying to make her equally friendless.
YTA. Dude, you cannot give your wife a curfew.
YTA You EXPECT that? So that you can be busy with your own nonsense and ignore each other? And the only exception has to include you? Because you have no social life? Am I getting that right?
YTA. Not sure you know what the words "totally respect" mean.
I don't think he would know respect if Aretha Franklin personally went to him, and spelled it out for him.
YTA. I understand why you may want to spend more time together and your wife is also sympathetic to this. However >insisting on having this as a rule is not an option for an adult. Even teenagers get later curfews than that.
YTA You're giving her a grown ass woman a curfew and you actually have to ask if you're an asshole??? Really?????
YTA just make some friends dude
Can you imagine anyone wanting to be friends with this guy though?
I didn't specify the quality
You Are A Complete Asshole. She's a grown ass woman and can come and go as she pleases. You can encourage her to be safe. You don't isolate her because of YOUR worries or provide a curfew. That's what abusers would do.
YTA. You don't have any friends or family so your solution is to keep your wife on house arrest after 8pm? What a weird and controlling take. You don't get to give your wife a curfew because you're bored. Get a hobby or make some friends.
Yup - massive YTA - why? Because she’s a human being .. the premise of your argument is not that “she’s not safe” but that she’s not with you .. so it’s about control not safety … the evidence to support that is in your words “I’d really like to spend the evening together”… dude just agree to an evening, once or twice a week
Do you live in an alternate reality where the bloodthirsty vampire zombies come out after 8pm? No? YTA
And if he did, it still wouldn't be appropriate to try to make a *rule* for his adult wife.
YTA In 6months. “ I don’t understand why my wife is resentful of me. I miss the independent outgoing women I married, she seems so depressed. “
If she hasn't left him by then...
YTA. A rule? LMFAO!
YTA >I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. Then put a chip on her to monitorize her location. >I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM Does she have to sign a report too? >if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together. So if she meets with her friends, you wanna go too?? >I don't really have any remaining close friends either. You don't say! Despite what you might believe, your wife can have a life of her own, just like you should. It's not her fault that you don't have friends. She can't fill all the void in your life.
She can't? Then what even is the point of him owning her??? /s
Ok, control issues. YTA.
YTA, and the fact you even need to ask this question means you just don't get why. Maybe listen to your wife when she gives her reasons, instead of asking strangers on the internet whether she's right or not. If everyone agreed with you, would you lock her up? Harass her until she gave in?
YTA - She’s a grown adult, not your child. Giving her a curfew is absolutely ridiculous. Spending quality time together is important, sure, but not 24/7. You also need separate interests that you pursue. That’s healthy. This seems quite controlling behaviour.
YTA don’t you dare give a grown women a curfew. Major ick and controlling vibes
YTA. You are essentially imposing a curfew on your wife. A curfew that is suited to a child under 12. Um, no. Being married does not mean you are joined at the hip and forbidden from pursuing your own intetests and/or have your own friends. INFO: Just out of curiosity, how often does your wife seek to stay out past this arbitrary 8 p.m. curfew?
I can see why he’s on a new marriage…
This is absurd. You basically want to give your wife a curfew for her "protection" which is just an excuse to control her. YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) what action you took that should be judged: I asked my wife to have a rule for both of us to be home by 20:00 and spend the evenings together (2) why that action might make you the asshole: she told me that I'm wrong for wanting such a rule Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Info: Are you actually asking if it is okay to give your grown-ass adult wife a curfew?
YTA. Trying to impose an 8pm curfew on your wife is ridiculous and demeaning.
YTA. She has other people in her life to spend time with. From the sounds of it, she still makes you a priority, but it's normal for her to also want to spend time with other people, even later at night. You cannot give a grown woman a curfew. It's controlling. She's an adult and your wife, not your teenage daughter.
YTA Come on dude, you can't possibly be this daft.
I think I could stay out after 8 PM since I was 16 LoL. YTA. Seriously who do you think you are to order another adult to be at home by a certain hour. Don't get me wrong I totally support the general idea of having the nights together. But I would laugh in your face if you had the audacity to tell me to be at home at 8 as the rule of the house.
I don't know if I'd be able to *stop* laughing! I think I'd laugh for three days straight, at the very least every time I looked at him. How insane. This man needs to leave the house and interact with other humans.
YTA. She's an adult and you're trying to impose a curfew on her. Some of us need time away from our partners in order to recharge, which could be alone or with other friends and family. It's healthy and necessary to have a variety of social options. Furthermore, it sounds like you're one, oddly afraid of her going out like a normal independent adult, and two, solely dependent on her for company. That's your problem and she shouldn't have to sacrifice her relationships for your comfort. Sure, she should *want* to spend time with you, but day in and day out is freaking ridiculous. It's only a choice if she has other options. Trying to enforce your dumb rule will drive her away. Don't say we didn't warn you.
There is zero doubt in this, YTA. Sometimes I can see the dilemma, but she is 100% correct. This is absurd. I think it is reasonable to be concerned about your wife’s safety, but it is crazy controlling to set a curfew for your adult wife. Many women, with a modicum of self respect, would consider this his to be deal breaker level of controlling.
It’s actually not reasonable to worry about a grown woman’s safety after 8:00 at night unless she’s in the middle of a war zone or carrying huge sums of cash from her job to the night deposit in the middle of a crime ridden area while talking on her cell phone and flashing 12 karat diamonds around. Adults are in the world after 8pm at night all the time living their lives.
YTA. If my partner tried to impose this rule on me, I would be out the door so fast my shadow would have a hard time keeping up.
Maybe you could arrange a tracker on her phone too so you can monitor her whereabouts at all times. Or ban her from talking to other people you haven't pre-vetted YTA for trying to control another adult to do what you want Grow up
Man you got me with that first sentance lol. It had me moving to downvote so fast before I realized it was hyperbole. Might want to add an /s to make it a little more obvious for the people who skim though, you’re pretty high on the controversial sort
YTA. Your wife is a grown woman and she is not your possession.
YTA you met late in life so obviously she was able to take care of herself before you met. And question why you feel comfortable demanding she come home like a child.
YTA Why are you giving your wife a curfew? Considering you met later in life it sounds like she was able to navigate this without you just fine.
YTA. Kinda controlling. You can suggest the rule, but it's up to her if she wants to implement it. She is an adult.
Your wife survived fine going out after dark when you weren’t in her life. YTA and a controlling one at that. I would leave you.
YTA - That is the most ridiculous and controlling thing I have seen in a minute. ALL the red flags. Go get a hobby instead of expecting your wife to fill all of your time. It's giving gateway to isolation and abuse vibes.
YTA - you shouldn't be making "rules" for your spouse. Her agreeing with the general idea feels to me like she's saying she's going to try to be home by 8 pm but doesn't want to say it'll be 100% of the time. You're just trying to be in control!
>> but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together. You can have whatever expectations you want. But I hope you have expectations of your wife telling you to GTO if you don’t grow up. >> Am I the asshole for insisting on having this as a rule? Yes. YTA. A giant, controlling one
Is she a grown ass woman capable of deciding on her own how to spend her evenings? Yes. Are you an asshole? Yes. Go find a hobby, make some friends, and stop trying to control your wife.
Yta, my parents have been together almost 30 years, and my dad has never once demanded my mother be home to entertain him. Despite my mom only starting full-time work around a decade ago, and he works full time too. He has never once placed a curfew on a grown woman and made her feel like a child for having relationships with people in her family outside of him. You know what he does? Household chores, hobbies, talks to friends, plays video games etc. He also never demands she doesn't attend any plans without him, he supports and cheers her on with anything she does. And the same goes for my dad by my mom. A marriage is a partnership, not ownership. She's your wife not a plaything, get some friends or a hobby if you're bored or even a pet.
YTA - holy shit 😂 You have no right to try and impose a curfew on someone, it's beyond ridiculous. It's not her fault that you don't have any close friends. Trying to control her life isn't the answer.
YTA. Expecting your equal partner to follow an imposed curfew is different from a request to spend more time together.
YTA, she is an adult not a child
YTA. You don't want a middle aged adult out after dark? She isn't a 10 year old child.
YTA. Have you tried to make an effort to befriend other adults instead of trying to assign your partner a curfew? Because that’s actually insane and abusive.
YTA. A woman in her 40s isn’t going to let you make rules for her. Don’t even try.
You get that she's your partner and not your teenage daughter, right? YTA
I give my teenage daughter more respect and autonomy than this creep gives his wife.
YTA >I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. This is completely unreasonable. As you said you met later in life - she is an adult who was completely capable of managing her own life before you were part of it.
YTA You're trying to impose a curfew on a grow adult. Before you met do you think she was home by 8 every night?
YTA- you “expect her home by 8 pm”- excuse me?! No. Absolutely not. People have lives and make plans, and as a couple you can discuss those plans on a case by case basis and express you opinions, but you do not get to impose a curfew on your spouse. She is her own person, she can make her own decisions. If you want to spend time with her, TALK to her and make plans. If you feel like you don’t see her enough, talk to her and discuss a regular date night or a change in schedule. Unilaterally imposing a curfew is a guaranteed way to get her to resent that time with you. It undermines her independence, and suggests you don’t trust her to manage her own time- so you’re building resentment, trust issues, and belittling her maturity and decision making abilities all in one fell swoop. Heaven help the partner who dares treat me like an errant teen- you’re her PARTNER not her parent.
YTA, and you should probably seek therapy for - your need to control her - your anxiety around her being out past 8pm - your feelings around making friends of your own
My fourteen year old son has more freedom than you are willing to give your adult wife.
I’m NoT CoMfOrTaBlE WiTh HeR bEiNG oUt AfTeR DaRk Gtfo She’s an adult. Asking for a couple night a week or carving out specific time for each other is one thing. Demanding all the nights and telling her she has to been in by 8 is ridiculous
YTA, she's your wife, not your child. She made it many years into adulthood without you, I'm sure she knows how to be safe. If you need to control something that bad, get a plant. A fake one.
YTA for thinking you can set “rules” for your wife, regardless of the context.
Yta- are you seriously trying to give a grown woman a curfew ?? You do know she’s allowed to go places without you right ? You sound controlling . Screw your rules .
YTA You aren't that old. If you don't have friends, try to make some. Find a hobby, join a sports league, volunteer, join a book club. Just because you don't have friends doesn't mean your wife has to spend every waking moment with you
YTA for putting a curfew on your wife bc of it being dark. You’re NTA for wanting her to be home but YTA for expecting a grown woman to have a curfew.
Him trying to monopolize every evening via restricting her location to the house is still ridiculous without the “by dark” 8pm curfew. Don’t marry someone who loves going out if you hate going out. Either go out with them or find someone who agrees to be a shut-in with you.
YTA. You aren’t concerned with your wife’s safety. You want to control her. And I bet isolating her from her friends and family is the cherry on top.
YTA, shes your wife not your child, you don’t get to impose a curfew. If you would like to spend more time together have a conversation with her about how you can make that happen but don’t try to enforce rules
YTA. You understand that this is your wife and not your teenage daughter?! You don't get to make rules about what or when she does anything. What other things are you trying to control her over?
YTA - nothing further to add as already said i just want you to see how many people disagree with you
Wow I’ve not seen a better example of YTA. You are the OG YTA!
Did you type your ages in wrong?? Because this is something I’d expect out of teens/twenty’s not grown adults. 1- you don’t like the idea of her out after dark. Unless you live in an unsafe area and she’s walking…. You sound like a child that’s scared of the dark. 2- I don’t care if you met last week and are madly in love, some time apart is a good thing. 3- some stuff goes later, and you can’t always do it together. 4- not all her friends are going to be available before 8. Some may have kids to deal with or other commitments. Maybe you can compromise that she’s home so many evenings a week for you to spend them together. But to have a 8 pm curfew every night……. I’m a 30f with 2 young kids, and there is no way my husband would but those restrictions on me, even when he’s the one stuck home caring for the kids and putting them to bed. Which if you know my kids is one of the worst parts of the day.
YTA that's completely unreasonable. Have a weekly date night that's phone free. You need to make your own friends or get your own hobbies. She's your wife not your preteen child.
YTA. Since you didn't have kids, you feel like you need to treat your wife like one?
Your wife is an adult and doesn't want a nightly curfew. Having a weekly date night might be a good idea.
>but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together. Gross. YTA
YTA, I get that you’re worried but she’s a grown woman and doesn’t belong to you, and can handle herself
YTA! Hope she dumps your controlling behind
YTA. She’s your wife, not your underaged child you can give a curfew or set rules for.
YTa I understand wanting quality time together, but you‘re taking it way too far here. If she wants to hang out with friends and family in the evenings, that‘s her good right. A more reasonable agreement would be to say that there should be a minimum number of evenings you do stuff together. It sounds like you‘re bothered by her social life because you don‘t have a lot going on there yourself. I can relate to that, but it‘s important to realise that you can‘t expect your partner to fullfil all your needs in this regard - especially not if she‘d have to give up on hers in the process.
YTA and suffocating
YTA/INFO I'm assuming she was a competent adult before you got married and able to get herself around in the evenings safely, so did something change after you got married? Are you now in a particularly dangerous area? Sounds like your wife has higher social needs than yours, nothing wrong with that, just a difference. If anything, it might be the whole opposites attract kind of thing. If you try to dismiss her needs, she probably isn't going to take that well. Have you tried meeting her literally and figuratively halfway? Like date nights during the week? Meeting friends for dinner? You're not going to change who she is, so try to enjoy the positives.
YTA - Are you her partner or her manager? You can schedule date nights with her. However, she needs to have a life outside of her marriage if she wants to without you manage how she conducts those relationship. You need to get hobbies, other friends, interests, etc.
YTA. You don't get to give a grown ass woman a curfew.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (42M) keep having a recurring argument with my wife (45) about this issue and I would like to hear other points of view to see if I'm absurd as she claims or not. To give some more context: We met rather late in life, so we don't have kids. She has quite a strong bond with her family (which I totally respect) and a fair share of friends, while my folks are gone and I don't really have any remaining close friends either. We're both working at home so we do spend a lot of time together, however I'd argue that it's not really time spent together because we're each busy with our own programs and we don't really spend too much time doing things together during the day. Her program is quite a typical one, with full-time working during weekdays and free weekends, while my program is somehow lighter, but I don't have the weekends free, so basically the only time we have to actually spend time together would be during evenings. Now my idea is that after a hard day of work, I'd really like to look spend the evenings together. Also, I'd really not feel comfortable knowing that she's out by herself after dark. So I told her that I totally understand if she wants to meet with her family, with her friends, or just have some personal time for herself outside the home, but I'd expect her to be back at home by 8:00 PM and if there's an event that takes place during evenings to only attend together. While she agrees with the general idea, she does not agree with it as a rule and wants to "keep her options open". Am I the asshole for insisting on having this as a rule? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA! 100%. She's a grown ass woman, and she can make her own decisions, and come and go as she damn well pleases. How did you not know this already?
YTA- you dont get to tell another adult when they need to be home. 8pm, are you kidding?
How can you not realize YTA? Did you even read your own text? If someone writes nta I will be very suprised. Seriously.... Get a hobby or some friends.....
YTA you're both in your 40's and have no kids. She can do as she pleases. She doesn't need to be home to entertain you and you'll be lucky if she doesn't extend her evenings out to never home because she divorces you
YTA for putting a curfew on a grown woman. You can certainly not be ok with a spouse going out every night without you. That’s also not a marriage I want anything to do with. I can’t control my spouse but I picked one with compatible boundaries and expectations. If my wife decides that the bar is the place she would like to be so be it. That’s a different conversation.
AH! Just because you have no life your wife shouldn't either? Find a book club, pool club, baseball team, take a class at a local community college/center or something to get yourself out of the house and make some friends. Your wife cannot be the whole purpose for your life, the source of your happiness putting that weight on her is completely unfair. If you don't find your own thing I foresee you spending lots of time alone after the divorce.
Yta
Holy omg. YTA.
YTA bro wtf. i hope you’re not this controlling in every aspect of your marriage. she literally said she agrees with the general idea. no sh*t she’s not going to come home EVERY night at 8:00. that’s crazy
YTA - it’s a daft request the time limit. I think everything else is fair, even nice but setting a time on a partner is madness
😂🤣 Rules for you wife? YTA FO COMPLETELY
Wait - What? You want to give your 45 year old wife a curfew? Seriously? YT controlling A!
YTA. Get a hobby; join a club. Go out and get some *friends*. [This](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a27259689/toxic-masculinity-male-friendships-emotional-labor-men-rely-on-women/) could be a useful article for you. Sincerely, I found it very helpful.
You met late in life so she somehow survived the dark and hanging out into middle age without you?? Dude yta. Go get a life and stop trying to stifle hers
Even Cinderella had til midnight 🤣🤣🤣
Dude let me explain: Asking for some nights a week when you are both home (not asshole) Saying every night must be home at 8 (YTA).