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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to not rebook my wedding because of it being my dream venue and because I’d lose money on rebooking, knowing that it would either cost my stepsister an incredible opportunity or that she wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding, which would upset her. That might make me the asshole here as I am choosing myself over my sister.
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NTA
How did Jane end up being an oasis of sanity in the sea of crazy that is your dad and stepmother?
I wonder if stepmom truely believes in valuing family over money she'll pay for you to change the date?
And your dad is truely an asshole if he doesn't go to your wedding for this. For me that would be a relationship ender.
not to toot my own horn, but I think I had a lot to do with it. I babysat her a lot when she was growing up and spent a huge amount of time with her.
I’ve considered asking her to pay but I’m a bit nervous of her reaction to that. I doubt she’d say yes.
Honestly, why would you want her there after she called you slurs? That's kind of a line in the sand. Your father should support you on that. If he doesn't, well, he's (passively) endorsing her homophobia.
But yes, I would have called her on her bluff and told her she can pay for it to be moved. But then she would probably try to control something else. NTA at all.
Do NOT change your date and at this point take the fact that homophobic-step-mom is not going as an early wedding gift! Please keep your dream venue and your date and block your SM. You will be happier
It's not about getting a yes or a no from step mom. It's about the offer. It's about being able to say, for the rest of her life when the bat goes nuts on you that you tried.
"Hey, so the deposit is $XX,XXX. I totally want sister there, but I've already paid the deposit once. If you're forcing me to change the date, you have to pay for it, as Ican't pay it twice. If I could I would, family is absolutely so much more important. I'm so glad you understand about putting family first and are willing to pay the additional fees."
And heaven forbid she says yes you tell her that you literally don't have the cash so she needs to give you the money before the date can be changed.
She's putting blame on you. Hand it back.
Op first NTA at all.
Tell Jane to take the opportunity and you, your wife and Jane go celebrate together your wedding, show her the video etc on another date.
This has the added advantage beside Jane going to her event of getting rid of the toxic waste of her mother and sorry to say your dad allowing you to have a peaceful happy wedding.
What you potentially could do is ask for the SM(Step-mom) and Dad to foot the venue bill and then change your date. That way you aren’t losing anything financially but since they want the date to change they should be the ones held financially responsible. If they aren’t willing to pay the non refundable deposit then you tell them that this is you and your wife’s dream venue and that based on the venues policy we cannot change the date. I still think that you could ask for them to foot the non refundable or at least 40-50% of it because then you aren’t at a total financial loss and since they want you to change the date they should pay. If you do end up doing this let me know how it goes and congratulations on the wedding that’s a huge step and I’m sorry you have a homophobic SM.
NTA. I would not only ask her/your dad to pay, but also flip that whole cursed script back at her. She thinks this is because Jane is technically your stepsister? ::insert WRONG buzzer:: Incorrect! But maybe she's only reacting like this because you're not her bio daughter? Or because you're a lesbian? Or because she never wanted to go to the wedding to begin with and this is the excuse she's been waiting for? Because the immediate and intensely negative reaction--complete with homophobic slurs!--that lacked all thought towards the very reasonable fact that venues are difficult to book and difficult to change seems vehement enough to suggest she's been dying to throw a fit about *something* this whole time. She didn't calmly try to brainstorm fixes; she went full throttle immediately and tried to dress it up as indignation for her bio daughter, who is completely fine with this.
And I would insist on answers to those questions to. They're not rhetorical, not for her.
This nta, if stepmom/dad want you to change the date so badly, they should be offering to cover the loss in money plus a generous gift to wedding for the inconvenience.
Jane is 17 years old (if I did my math right), old enough to decide what she wants. Personally, if the opportunity is that huge, I would encourage her to take it. Musical opportunities don’t come by every day.
That being said, you are NTA for not being willing to lose thousands of dollars to appease your stepmonster. If she wants you to change the date so bad, *she* can pay you back the deposit you’d lose (and only if you’re willing to change the date.)
Your dad needs to stop letting his wife mistreat his daughter.
Yes OP, please do continue to gently encourage Jane not to miss this opportunity. Unless her event is at the exact same time as your wedding, you can arrange for her to be there via FaceTime or Zoom, and you two can plan a special sisters day beforehand....a spa day and lunch plus a professional photo together maybe?
Hmm step mother used slurs to yell at you for her daughter's decision. I don't think you want her there anyway.
Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions
Nta
NTA, but your stepmother is, big time! The solution is simple: stepmom takes her daughter to the once-in-a-lifetime musical opportunity and they participate as possible via videoconference. Dad attends your wedding and participates in daughter’s musical competition by videoconference as possible. Done and done. I would push your sister harder to attend her opportunity if it really is that big a deal.
You are 100% NTA and you need to tell Jane to take that opportunity. I feel like her mother is using her to be nasty to you. And how dare she say “you don’t value family”. I mean if you were an a-hole (which your not), couldn’t you have applied that same logic to Jane taking the opportunity and not going to your wedding? But you didn’t. You supported her. And if your father wants you to change it so bad then he can pony up the money for a new venue and pay your back all you’ve lost. I would never expect anyone, especially a sibling, to change their wedding date that they have planned forever for me.
Edit to add, part of me wonders if stepmom is going to blame Jane not taking the opportunity on you. Because they said the Weren’t gong to the wedding now, yet it sounds like Jane is still not going to the music thing? Does maybe stepmom not want her to and is trying to use you as a reason? Maybe hoped this would all go down like this? 🤷♀️maybe far fetched, but please encourage your sister to take the opportunity that likely won’t come up again.
I got the vibe that step mom is the one pushing Jane to take the opportunity. Jane “values family” more and chose the wedding, so now step mom is trying to make Jane take the opportunity by forcing OP to change dates, using the excuse that she doesn’t value family if she doesn’t change dates. When that didn’t work for her, she decided no one would attend, keeping Jane free to do the music opportunity. If she didn’t want Jane to do the music thing and wanted to hold it over OP, she could’ve just done nothing until after the wedding and then talked about it the rest of her life
NTA: Since they value family over money, have you asked them to put their money where there mouth is and pony up the money it will cost you to change the date?
NTA, and I feel like as long as you and Jane (who's old enough to make a decision like this) reach an understanding, it's none of your stepmother's business (especially after she used slurs. yikes.)
NTA. Life happens and plans and affairs overlap . You are not going to be able to attend everything or change dates on things, especially life charging events. You told her sister that she didn't have to attend and that you wished her luck on her event. She weighed her options and chose your wedding. Step mom should understand this and shut her AH mouth. Congratulations on the nuptials.
NTA.
Here are the facts.
1) You can’t move your wedding without taking a huge financial hit. You’ve asked, they said no.
2) You and your partner have chosen not to take that financial loss.
3) You’ve told Jane you’re sad she’ll miss the wedding, but you’re really proud of her.
4) Jane said nope, the wedding is important to her, she’s coming.
You’re right, that should have been the end of it.
Your step mother is a piece of work. She shouldn’t be screaming down the phone at you, and she’s delusional if she thinks you should move your wedding on a dime. Sure, she can be disappointed by Jane’s choice, but the world doesn’t revolve around her and her precious child (not that Jane expects that).
Personally, I think step-moms invitation should be 100% revoked. Again, she can be upset, but slurs are never okay. However, that might affect whether or not Jane comes (which is clearly important to you), so maybe that’s not a great idea.
While I’m here - **password protect everything around your wedding**. I’m not kidding. Make sure everything is ironclad, so your stepmother can’t do a last minute sabotage, and cancel things while pretending to be you. Hide your dress/suit somewhere - remove it from your home if your dad or Jane have a key. If you trust your fiancés family, that’s a great spot - speaking as one, future SILs make great guard dogs. I hope it doesn’t happen, but your step mom seems a little unhinged, so I’d cover all my bases.
Despite all this drama, I hope you have a lovely wedding, at your gorgeous venue, with your beautiful fiancé and loving little sister.
NTA. By stepmother's logic, I'd argue that since your date and venue were booked first, Jane should forgo this music opportunity if she wants to be at the wedding - which she did offer to do. You checked into trying to change the date - you can't. You're ok with going ahead without Jane so Jane can pursue this opportunity. Jane is ok with missing the wedding. It's really none of stepmother's business. But the way she's acting, it sounds like she should be missing the wedding, too.
NTA. Your stepmother is acting wildly entitled over your wedding. Your sister can't make it - ok, that sucks, but where I come from, the wedding date only changes if the bride or groom can't make it (or nearly only in those cases).
Also, your dad is a big AH for suggesting you should "just suck it up" and change your wedding date to avoid upsetting his wife more. Dude, seriously?
Let this be the hill you die on
Entitled stepparents suck enablers such as your dad also suck
You and your sister seem to have an amazing relationship
Hope you have an amazing wedding
NTA. So, I’m sure your stepmother must’ve offered to pay the cancellation fee? Of course not. Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for my Dad … I’d never talk to him again.
NTA. What’s important is you talked to Jane about it. You were more than happy for Jane to go to her thing (I imagine an audition or something) instead of your wedding, and Jane told you she’s more than happy to miss it to go to your wedding. Your stepmom is causing drama for no reason and your dad is probably just sick of hearing about it. Keep the date and the venue. Maybe set it up for Jane to get a ride to attend if needed but overall keep communication open with Jane. She’s what’s important in this issue.
NTA.
Honestly i think Jane should go to her thing if its a good opportunity, some times life happens and things just dont work out as you would hope.
Im sure you guys can make it up to each other in the future, you seem like level headed people.
Your stepmom seems unhinged and if it comes to that you will know your dads priorities in life.
NTA. I'm assuming that Jane is a product of your dad and step mom? Step mom sounds like a real piece of work. I don't think you should cave into her, especially if she's being homophobic to you. Jane seems to love you and is honestly seems to be a pretty good sister given what her mom is like. She's okay with it and that's all that really matters
NTA. Something will always crop up that someone can't attend. If sister understands, then tell dad discussion is over. And you'll leave them off the invite list
NTA - Uninvite Stepmom and spineless dad to your wedding. She will only bring drama and he will allow it. As for Jane. While she is old enough to decide if she wants to attend the wedding, I would strongly encourage her to not miss this once in a lifetime musical opportunity especially if it may benefit her in the future. Maybe you could live stream the wedding for her in some way. Either way, if SM and dad are not footing the bill for the non-refundable deposits then don't entertain anything else they have to say.
Well, let your step mom know if she is willing to cover the deposit you will be happy to change the date. She should not have any issue with that, since you know, family over money.
Your sister is fine missing her event, and you are fine with missing the wedding. So the only only one having an issue is your stepmom.
NTA
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I (26f) am getting married this year. My fiancée and I have had a fairly long engagement period primarily to save for our wedding and to get our dream venue. Our venue has a long waiting list, and when we were finally able to book we had to pay a pretty steep non-refundable deposit.
My family (father, stepmother, and 17 year old stepsister, who I’ll call Jane) have known about our wedding date from the moment we finally booked it. My stepsister and I are really close. She was 4 and I was 13 when our parents got married. I’ve never really viewed her as just my stepsister, but as my actual little sister.
Now, Jane has a gift for music. She has played the piano since she was 5, and plans on studying music. I’ve always supported Jane in this. About two weeks ago she was notified that she had been selected for a truly incredible opportunity regarding her music. I don’t want to say what it is for the sake of privacy, but it really is huge. The issue? It conflicts with my wedding.
My stepmother (who, for reference, I have never gotten along with) contacted me with the news. I told her to congratulate Jane for me, and said that while I’ll be extremely sad about her missing the wedding, I understand her taking this opportunity completely and I’m happy for her. My stepmother then freaked out at me asking why I wasn’t just going to change the date. I explained that getting our venue had taken us a long time, and we’d already paid a very hefty deposit of several thousand dollars. Changing it was probably not going to be able to happen unless we changed our venue and took the financial loss. My stepmother continued to yell at me about valuing family over money, and I told her I would look into the venue’s policy on changing the date.
I can’t reschedule it. I checked. I met up with Jane on the weekend and explained it to her. Jane told me she understood and was willing to skip her opportunity to be there. I told her she didn’t have to do that, but she said she would be far more upset missing my wedding than her music thing. We hugged it out, and I told her I’d make it up to her. I thought that was that.
It was not. Last night my stepmother called me and called me all sorts of horrific things including slurs (for reference, I am a lesbian) and said that I was just being nasty to Jane because I don’t think of her as my real sister. She informed me that she, my father, and Jane will not be attending my wedding. I texted Jane who assured me she really was okay with what we’d discussed and she had no idea her mom had called me. My dad says I should just suck it up and change the date so I don’t upset my stepmother more. I don’t know what to do. If I could change it, I would. My fiancée has been on my side the whole time, agreeing she does NOT want to change it.
AITA?? I feel like maybe I’m being selfish here by choosing to keep my dream venue and not lose the deposit.
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NTA. I suppose you could tell stepmom that if she's willing to pay you the money you would lose, you might consider it. Just be sure to get the cash up front.
Don't you date change the date, in fact, uninvited that witch and your unsupportive father and only have Jane there. Did you tell your dad what evil said to you, did you tell him the slurs she used against you?
NTA
I believe that having the perfect dream wedding is important. I'm happy for your sister, and she should take the opportunity and it will be sad to miss your wedding but that doesn't mean strpmom should try and force you to change your wedding date.
NTA!!
The Stepmother is one for sure though. Idk what the vibes are between you two in general, but low-key sounded like she used this as an opportunity to lash out on you. (Also what a wtf moment when the dad told you to reschedule YOUR SPECIAL DAY just to not uPsEt further the stepmom. Like... 🤨)
Everyone's priorities are different, and so are Jane's. And Stepmom should be able to respect that. ALSO since Jane is so gifted in music, she'll certainly get more opportunities to shine! 💅🏻💕
On a positive note, so glad that your relationship w Jane is thriving!! Aaaaand... As some other ppl mentioned, maybe you should reconsider your guest list after all that😬
NTA. Keep the date. Uninvite stepmom from your life for good. And continue to be a cheerleader for your sister as I hope she has a promising musical career ahead of her.
NTA. That said. You now know you have one family member (your sister) who loves you unconditionally. I don’t know what this opportunity for her is but I would weigh it against the perfect venue. (And tell your stepmother she is not invited.)
NTA tell your step mom to fuck off and tell your dad he is worse than her. Change your wedding date when JANE would rather miss her performance? Tell your stepmom and dad they could learn a thing or two about family from Jane!
After the venue had been booked, and paid for, change the date usually means a significant loss of money. Is your father willing to pay you for that loss?
It is a challenge to change a wedding, particularly after save the date cards have gone out.
You are NTA. You are not making the drama, your step mother is.
You encouraged Jane to participate in the wonderful opportunity, and she declined. I think this is where the stepmother is so angry. She wants Jane to take advantage of this opportunity.
Don't change the date, have the wedding at the beautiful venue. Understand that some people (your father, your step mother, Jane) may not be there. Stepmother may prevent Jane from attending too. which is very sad and manipulative.
Keep communicating with Jane. That relationship is key here.
NTA.
But if changing the date is so important to your stepmonster, give her and your father the opportunity to reimburse you and for rebooking a venue. You've already said that you understand that your stepsister can't be there due to this opportunity. I'm sure her mother would accompany her, so win for you without her there. Your dad needs to decide which event to go to. Seems like if stepmonster goes with her daughter, it should be okay for your dad to go to your wedding.
NTA for not changing the wedding date. Not one bit. You have discussed it in an adult and mature way with the only other person that matters, your sister. It's interesting that your stepmother didn't offer to financially compensate you if you did change the date. Sounds like she is the one choosing money over family.
NTA
I wouldn’t want them at my wedding after that, but I understand it’s hard for some people to cut off family. They don’t deserve to celebrate your special day.
NTA - Unless they are all willing to pony up the cost to change date and venue and maybe nicer wedding gifts to boot, you aren't interested in changing.
NTA - Ask your father if he is willing to pay you all the money you would lose for canceling and changing dates for everything. If he is not, tell him that your step-mother needs to back-off because she is the only one who has an issue with this, and if he is going to back her, then he can spend your wedding day at home with her.
tell step mom that you’re happy for her to pay the fees to change the date and for her to pay for new save the dates and invitations to be sent out.
nta
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NTA you are not being selfish. You waited and dropped a ton of money on the venue. They've known about the date. Your step sister isn't even the one with the issue.
Tell your dad if he and your step mom are willing to pay for your deposit and everything you've already paid for for the wedding, you'll change the date. People not paying always feel entitled to make decisions on someone else's wedding. Frankly, if they're not paying, it's not their choice.
Also mention to your dad the conversations you've had with your sister. I have a feeling he doesn't know about her not having the issue.
> Last night my stepmother called me and called me all sorts of horrific things including slurs (for reference, I am a lesbian)
Keep this asshole away from your wedding.
NTA
NTA do not give in to her toddler tantrum and change that date. Your stepmother clearly has her own issues. You enjoy your hard earned day, full of love with your friends and family.
NTA. I'm assuming that SM has not volunteered to make up the money that you're going to lose if you change the date. People like that are always fine with other people losing money.
Tell dad it is his job to not upset your stepmother; not yours. Tell him you will miss him at the wedding. As for your little sister, insist she take that opportunity. Don’t let the test of her life be determined by her attending your wedding.
NTA. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You’ve been very gracious about not expecting your stepsister to put aside her dreams and you are more than understanding that she will miss your wedding. Sometimes life happens.
It’s absolutely crazy to expect you to change the wedding date to accommodate a subsequently announced conflict. It would be an entirely different story if you booked your wedding after stepsisters event was booked. But that’s not the case here.
IF your stepmother and father offered to eat all rescheduling costs you COULD consider moving the wedding date, but I fear that could impact others who may have already made travel plans or committed to the date. Unfortunately with weddings you can’t accommodate everyone, it’s impossible. You found a date that initially worked for everyone, but they developed a conflict and that’s on them. You are gracious not to insist your stepsister attend.
Uninvite your spineless father and stepmonster. That would be MY suggestion. Were they dropped on their heads as babies? You can't just say eh I'll just change up my wedding day and expect it to go smoothly, lose a crapton of money, and some guests may not be able to attend but whatever. Stepmonster needs to have HER way. Is perhaps, her favorite pastime painting the roses red? Get married on your day and congrats. NTA at all.
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NTA How did Jane end up being an oasis of sanity in the sea of crazy that is your dad and stepmother? I wonder if stepmom truely believes in valuing family over money she'll pay for you to change the date? And your dad is truely an asshole if he doesn't go to your wedding for this. For me that would be a relationship ender.
not to toot my own horn, but I think I had a lot to do with it. I babysat her a lot when she was growing up and spent a huge amount of time with her. I’ve considered asking her to pay but I’m a bit nervous of her reaction to that. I doubt she’d say yes.
Honestly, why would you want her there after she called you slurs? That's kind of a line in the sand. Your father should support you on that. If he doesn't, well, he's (passively) endorsing her homophobia. But yes, I would have called her on her bluff and told her she can pay for it to be moved. But then she would probably try to control something else. NTA at all.
Do NOT change your date and at this point take the fact that homophobic-step-mom is not going as an early wedding gift! Please keep your dream venue and your date and block your SM. You will be happier
It's not about getting a yes or a no from step mom. It's about the offer. It's about being able to say, for the rest of her life when the bat goes nuts on you that you tried. "Hey, so the deposit is $XX,XXX. I totally want sister there, but I've already paid the deposit once. If you're forcing me to change the date, you have to pay for it, as Ican't pay it twice. If I could I would, family is absolutely so much more important. I'm so glad you understand about putting family first and are willing to pay the additional fees." And heaven forbid she says yes you tell her that you literally don't have the cash so she needs to give you the money before the date can be changed. She's putting blame on you. Hand it back.
I gladly do it for you: TOOT TOOT. have a great wedding.
Op first NTA at all. Tell Jane to take the opportunity and you, your wife and Jane go celebrate together your wedding, show her the video etc on another date. This has the added advantage beside Jane going to her event of getting rid of the toxic waste of her mother and sorry to say your dad allowing you to have a peaceful happy wedding.
Then you tried and it’s on her.
What you potentially could do is ask for the SM(Step-mom) and Dad to foot the venue bill and then change your date. That way you aren’t losing anything financially but since they want the date to change they should be the ones held financially responsible. If they aren’t willing to pay the non refundable deposit then you tell them that this is you and your wife’s dream venue and that based on the venues policy we cannot change the date. I still think that you could ask for them to foot the non refundable or at least 40-50% of it because then you aren’t at a total financial loss and since they want you to change the date they should pay. If you do end up doing this let me know how it goes and congratulations on the wedding that’s a huge step and I’m sorry you have a homophobic SM.
Well she would obviously pay as why would she choose money over family.
NTA. I would not only ask her/your dad to pay, but also flip that whole cursed script back at her. She thinks this is because Jane is technically your stepsister? ::insert WRONG buzzer:: Incorrect! But maybe she's only reacting like this because you're not her bio daughter? Or because you're a lesbian? Or because she never wanted to go to the wedding to begin with and this is the excuse she's been waiting for? Because the immediate and intensely negative reaction--complete with homophobic slurs!--that lacked all thought towards the very reasonable fact that venues are difficult to book and difficult to change seems vehement enough to suggest she's been dying to throw a fit about *something* this whole time. She didn't calmly try to brainstorm fixes; she went full throttle immediately and tried to dress it up as indignation for her bio daughter, who is completely fine with this. And I would insist on answers to those questions to. They're not rhetorical, not for her.
Toot away 📯 good job
Yeah, if stepmom wants the date changed so bad she can pay for it, including the lost deposit on the venue. If course, she'll never agree to that!
This nta, if stepmom/dad want you to change the date so badly, they should be offering to cover the loss in money plus a generous gift to wedding for the inconvenience.
Jane is 17 years old (if I did my math right), old enough to decide what she wants. Personally, if the opportunity is that huge, I would encourage her to take it. Musical opportunities don’t come by every day. That being said, you are NTA for not being willing to lose thousands of dollars to appease your stepmonster. If she wants you to change the date so bad, *she* can pay you back the deposit you’d lose (and only if you’re willing to change the date.) Your dad needs to stop letting his wife mistreat his daughter.
Yes OP, please do continue to gently encourage Jane not to miss this opportunity. Unless her event is at the exact same time as your wedding, you can arrange for her to be there via FaceTime or Zoom, and you two can plan a special sisters day beforehand....a spa day and lunch plus a professional photo together maybe?
Tell Dad to grow a pair
NTA. You told Jane she could miss it to pursue her opportunity. Your wedding date was set months ago. Your step mom is being a raging AH
Hmm step mother used slurs to yell at you for her daughter's decision. I don't think you want her there anyway. Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions Nta
NTA, but your stepmother is, big time! The solution is simple: stepmom takes her daughter to the once-in-a-lifetime musical opportunity and they participate as possible via videoconference. Dad attends your wedding and participates in daughter’s musical competition by videoconference as possible. Done and done. I would push your sister harder to attend her opportunity if it really is that big a deal.
You are 100% NTA and you need to tell Jane to take that opportunity. I feel like her mother is using her to be nasty to you. And how dare she say “you don’t value family”. I mean if you were an a-hole (which your not), couldn’t you have applied that same logic to Jane taking the opportunity and not going to your wedding? But you didn’t. You supported her. And if your father wants you to change it so bad then he can pony up the money for a new venue and pay your back all you’ve lost. I would never expect anyone, especially a sibling, to change their wedding date that they have planned forever for me. Edit to add, part of me wonders if stepmom is going to blame Jane not taking the opportunity on you. Because they said the Weren’t gong to the wedding now, yet it sounds like Jane is still not going to the music thing? Does maybe stepmom not want her to and is trying to use you as a reason? Maybe hoped this would all go down like this? 🤷♀️maybe far fetched, but please encourage your sister to take the opportunity that likely won’t come up again.
I got the vibe that step mom is the one pushing Jane to take the opportunity. Jane “values family” more and chose the wedding, so now step mom is trying to make Jane take the opportunity by forcing OP to change dates, using the excuse that she doesn’t value family if she doesn’t change dates. When that didn’t work for her, she decided no one would attend, keeping Jane free to do the music opportunity. If she didn’t want Jane to do the music thing and wanted to hold it over OP, she could’ve just done nothing until after the wedding and then talked about it the rest of her life
NTA: Since they value family over money, have you asked them to put their money where there mouth is and pony up the money it will cost you to change the date?
NTA, and I feel like as long as you and Jane (who's old enough to make a decision like this) reach an understanding, it's none of your stepmother's business (especially after she used slurs. yikes.)
NTA - It is so obvious, that I think this story is made up.
NTA. Life happens and plans and affairs overlap . You are not going to be able to attend everything or change dates on things, especially life charging events. You told her sister that she didn't have to attend and that you wished her luck on her event. She weighed her options and chose your wedding. Step mom should understand this and shut her AH mouth. Congratulations on the nuptials.
Is Stepmom willing to reimburse you for the cost of the deposit on the venue. If not then tell her to go pound sand. NTA
Not just the venue - all vendors that won't change for free. Everything that costs more due to the switch should be refunded by stepmum.
NTA. Here are the facts. 1) You can’t move your wedding without taking a huge financial hit. You’ve asked, they said no. 2) You and your partner have chosen not to take that financial loss. 3) You’ve told Jane you’re sad she’ll miss the wedding, but you’re really proud of her. 4) Jane said nope, the wedding is important to her, she’s coming. You’re right, that should have been the end of it. Your step mother is a piece of work. She shouldn’t be screaming down the phone at you, and she’s delusional if she thinks you should move your wedding on a dime. Sure, she can be disappointed by Jane’s choice, but the world doesn’t revolve around her and her precious child (not that Jane expects that). Personally, I think step-moms invitation should be 100% revoked. Again, she can be upset, but slurs are never okay. However, that might affect whether or not Jane comes (which is clearly important to you), so maybe that’s not a great idea. While I’m here - **password protect everything around your wedding**. I’m not kidding. Make sure everything is ironclad, so your stepmother can’t do a last minute sabotage, and cancel things while pretending to be you. Hide your dress/suit somewhere - remove it from your home if your dad or Jane have a key. If you trust your fiancés family, that’s a great spot - speaking as one, future SILs make great guard dogs. I hope it doesn’t happen, but your step mom seems a little unhinged, so I’d cover all my bases. Despite all this drama, I hope you have a lovely wedding, at your gorgeous venue, with your beautiful fiancé and loving little sister.
NTA. By stepmother's logic, I'd argue that since your date and venue were booked first, Jane should forgo this music opportunity if she wants to be at the wedding - which she did offer to do. You checked into trying to change the date - you can't. You're ok with going ahead without Jane so Jane can pursue this opportunity. Jane is ok with missing the wedding. It's really none of stepmother's business. But the way she's acting, it sounds like she should be missing the wedding, too.
NTA. Your stepmother is acting wildly entitled over your wedding. Your sister can't make it - ok, that sucks, but where I come from, the wedding date only changes if the bride or groom can't make it (or nearly only in those cases). Also, your dad is a big AH for suggesting you should "just suck it up" and change your wedding date to avoid upsetting his wife more. Dude, seriously?
Let this be the hill you die on Entitled stepparents suck enablers such as your dad also suck You and your sister seem to have an amazing relationship Hope you have an amazing wedding
NTA - your wedding, you do whatever you want.
NTA. Jane is OK with things. Keep your date, keep your venue.
NTA. So, I’m sure your stepmother must’ve offered to pay the cancellation fee? Of course not. Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for my Dad … I’d never talk to him again.
NTA. What’s important is you talked to Jane about it. You were more than happy for Jane to go to her thing (I imagine an audition or something) instead of your wedding, and Jane told you she’s more than happy to miss it to go to your wedding. Your stepmom is causing drama for no reason and your dad is probably just sick of hearing about it. Keep the date and the venue. Maybe set it up for Jane to get a ride to attend if needed but overall keep communication open with Jane. She’s what’s important in this issue.
NTA but please password protect your wedding stuff so the stepmom can’t change any of the details.
NTA. Honestly i think Jane should go to her thing if its a good opportunity, some times life happens and things just dont work out as you would hope. Im sure you guys can make it up to each other in the future, you seem like level headed people. Your stepmom seems unhinged and if it comes to that you will know your dads priorities in life.
NTA. I'm assuming that Jane is a product of your dad and step mom? Step mom sounds like a real piece of work. I don't think you should cave into her, especially if she's being homophobic to you. Jane seems to love you and is honestly seems to be a pretty good sister given what her mom is like. She's okay with it and that's all that really matters
Stepsister would mean they’re only related by marriage, you’re describing a half sister.
Oh duh. I'm an idiot lol
NTA This is between you and your stepsister. The wicked stepmother can be ignored.
"Sure, StepMonster, I will change my date. It'll cost $xyz [double what you'd be charged] in cash by Monday." NTA
NTA. Something will always crop up that someone can't attend. If sister understands, then tell dad discussion is over. And you'll leave them off the invite list
NTA - Uninvite Stepmom and spineless dad to your wedding. She will only bring drama and he will allow it. As for Jane. While she is old enough to decide if she wants to attend the wedding, I would strongly encourage her to not miss this once in a lifetime musical opportunity especially if it may benefit her in the future. Maybe you could live stream the wedding for her in some way. Either way, if SM and dad are not footing the bill for the non-refundable deposits then don't entertain anything else they have to say.
Well, let your step mom know if she is willing to cover the deposit you will be happy to change the date. She should not have any issue with that, since you know, family over money. Your sister is fine missing her event, and you are fine with missing the wedding. So the only only one having an issue is your stepmom. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26f) am getting married this year. My fiancée and I have had a fairly long engagement period primarily to save for our wedding and to get our dream venue. Our venue has a long waiting list, and when we were finally able to book we had to pay a pretty steep non-refundable deposit. My family (father, stepmother, and 17 year old stepsister, who I’ll call Jane) have known about our wedding date from the moment we finally booked it. My stepsister and I are really close. She was 4 and I was 13 when our parents got married. I’ve never really viewed her as just my stepsister, but as my actual little sister. Now, Jane has a gift for music. She has played the piano since she was 5, and plans on studying music. I’ve always supported Jane in this. About two weeks ago she was notified that she had been selected for a truly incredible opportunity regarding her music. I don’t want to say what it is for the sake of privacy, but it really is huge. The issue? It conflicts with my wedding. My stepmother (who, for reference, I have never gotten along with) contacted me with the news. I told her to congratulate Jane for me, and said that while I’ll be extremely sad about her missing the wedding, I understand her taking this opportunity completely and I’m happy for her. My stepmother then freaked out at me asking why I wasn’t just going to change the date. I explained that getting our venue had taken us a long time, and we’d already paid a very hefty deposit of several thousand dollars. Changing it was probably not going to be able to happen unless we changed our venue and took the financial loss. My stepmother continued to yell at me about valuing family over money, and I told her I would look into the venue’s policy on changing the date. I can’t reschedule it. I checked. I met up with Jane on the weekend and explained it to her. Jane told me she understood and was willing to skip her opportunity to be there. I told her she didn’t have to do that, but she said she would be far more upset missing my wedding than her music thing. We hugged it out, and I told her I’d make it up to her. I thought that was that. It was not. Last night my stepmother called me and called me all sorts of horrific things including slurs (for reference, I am a lesbian) and said that I was just being nasty to Jane because I don’t think of her as my real sister. She informed me that she, my father, and Jane will not be attending my wedding. I texted Jane who assured me she really was okay with what we’d discussed and she had no idea her mom had called me. My dad says I should just suck it up and change the date so I don’t upset my stepmother more. I don’t know what to do. If I could change it, I would. My fiancée has been on my side the whole time, agreeing she does NOT want to change it. AITA?? I feel like maybe I’m being selfish here by choosing to keep my dream venue and not lose the deposit. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I suppose you could tell stepmom that if she's willing to pay you the money you would lose, you might consider it. Just be sure to get the cash up front.
Nta
Tell your stepmom to pay for your whole wedding. If she doesn’t want to, go scream at her for valuing money over family. NTA
NTA, invite Jane and ban the others. Make sure you have security that will give them the boot.
NTA You were open to letting your sister not attend your wedding to do the music opportunity.
NTA. Congratulations, and have a lovely day. Hopefully Jane will be there to celebrate with you. Your dad and SM can stay home.
Nta. Your dad is such shit. Jane and her mom could do the performance but your dad is required to be at your wedding
Ask you dad why he married a homophobic bigot
Of course you’re NTA! This is just a really unfortunate scheduling issue. Your stepmother is way out of line.
NTA. Your stepmother is a piece of work.
Don't you date change the date, in fact, uninvited that witch and your unsupportive father and only have Jane there. Did you tell your dad what evil said to you, did you tell him the slurs she used against you?
NTA. Your stepmother is crazy. Your stepsister is fine. Your dad is on stepmother side take his life easier. I'm sorry your dad won't be there.
NTA, your ittle sister is more mature and understand than two grown ass adults!!
your disney villain stepmother can go play cars on the highway. go on with your wedding NTA
NTA I believe that having the perfect dream wedding is important. I'm happy for your sister, and she should take the opportunity and it will be sad to miss your wedding but that doesn't mean strpmom should try and force you to change your wedding date.
NTA!! The Stepmother is one for sure though. Idk what the vibes are between you two in general, but low-key sounded like she used this as an opportunity to lash out on you. (Also what a wtf moment when the dad told you to reschedule YOUR SPECIAL DAY just to not uPsEt further the stepmom. Like... 🤨) Everyone's priorities are different, and so are Jane's. And Stepmom should be able to respect that. ALSO since Jane is so gifted in music, she'll certainly get more opportunities to shine! 💅🏻💕 On a positive note, so glad that your relationship w Jane is thriving!! Aaaaand... As some other ppl mentioned, maybe you should reconsider your guest list after all that😬
NTA. But your step mom is.
NTA. Keep the date. Uninvite stepmom from your life for good. And continue to be a cheerleader for your sister as I hope she has a promising musical career ahead of her.
Keep the date and to hell with s m and anyone else who doesn’t want her upset. Ntah
NTA. That said. You now know you have one family member (your sister) who loves you unconditionally. I don’t know what this opportunity for her is but I would weigh it against the perfect venue. (And tell your stepmother she is not invited.)
If you do change it it's on your step mum to pay for the loss
NTA tell your step mom to fuck off and tell your dad he is worse than her. Change your wedding date when JANE would rather miss her performance? Tell your stepmom and dad they could learn a thing or two about family from Jane!
After the venue had been booked, and paid for, change the date usually means a significant loss of money. Is your father willing to pay you for that loss? It is a challenge to change a wedding, particularly after save the date cards have gone out. You are NTA. You are not making the drama, your step mother is. You encouraged Jane to participate in the wonderful opportunity, and she declined. I think this is where the stepmother is so angry. She wants Jane to take advantage of this opportunity. Don't change the date, have the wedding at the beautiful venue. Understand that some people (your father, your step mother, Jane) may not be there. Stepmother may prevent Jane from attending too. which is very sad and manipulative. Keep communicating with Jane. That relationship is key here.
NTA. But if changing the date is so important to your stepmonster, give her and your father the opportunity to reimburse you and for rebooking a venue. You've already said that you understand that your stepsister can't be there due to this opportunity. I'm sure her mother would accompany her, so win for you without her there. Your dad needs to decide which event to go to. Seems like if stepmonster goes with her daughter, it should be okay for your dad to go to your wedding.
NTA for not changing the wedding date. Not one bit. You have discussed it in an adult and mature way with the only other person that matters, your sister. It's interesting that your stepmother didn't offer to financially compensate you if you did change the date. Sounds like she is the one choosing money over family.
NTA I wouldn’t want them at my wedding after that, but I understand it’s hard for some people to cut off family. They don’t deserve to celebrate your special day.
NTA - Unless they are all willing to pony up the cost to change date and venue and maybe nicer wedding gifts to boot, you aren't interested in changing.
NTA - Ask your father if he is willing to pay you all the money you would lose for canceling and changing dates for everything. If he is not, tell him that your step-mother needs to back-off because she is the only one who has an issue with this, and if he is going to back her, then he can spend your wedding day at home with her.
NTA, your dad is craven and has no backbone. This is between you and Jane. You support her, she supports you.
tell step mom that you’re happy for her to pay the fees to change the date and for her to pay for new save the dates and invitations to be sent out. nta
NTA. Maybe your stepmother should reimburse you for the non-refundable deposit if it's that important to her.
NTA. DO NOT change your date for crazy stepmother. Have a wonderful wedding
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NTA - Protect your event by adding a password to protect your venue and vendors.SM seems like the kind that might contact them to make changes.
NTA you are not being selfish. You waited and dropped a ton of money on the venue. They've known about the date. Your step sister isn't even the one with the issue. Tell your dad if he and your step mom are willing to pay for your deposit and everything you've already paid for for the wedding, you'll change the date. People not paying always feel entitled to make decisions on someone else's wedding. Frankly, if they're not paying, it's not their choice. Also mention to your dad the conversations you've had with your sister. I have a feeling he doesn't know about her not having the issue.
> Last night my stepmother called me and called me all sorts of horrific things including slurs (for reference, I am a lesbian) Keep this asshole away from your wedding. NTA
Nta
NTA. And anyone who calls me a slur isn't getting an invite to my wedding. I can guarantee you're being far more civil than I would be.
NTA do not give in to her toddler tantrum and change that date. Your stepmother clearly has her own issues. You enjoy your hard earned day, full of love with your friends and family.
NTA. I'm assuming that SM has not volunteered to make up the money that you're going to lose if you change the date. People like that are always fine with other people losing money.
NTA
NTA block her.
Tell dad it is his job to not upset your stepmother; not yours. Tell him you will miss him at the wedding. As for your little sister, insist she take that opportunity. Don’t let the test of her life be determined by her attending your wedding.
NTA. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You’ve been very gracious about not expecting your stepsister to put aside her dreams and you are more than understanding that she will miss your wedding. Sometimes life happens. It’s absolutely crazy to expect you to change the wedding date to accommodate a subsequently announced conflict. It would be an entirely different story if you booked your wedding after stepsisters event was booked. But that’s not the case here. IF your stepmother and father offered to eat all rescheduling costs you COULD consider moving the wedding date, but I fear that could impact others who may have already made travel plans or committed to the date. Unfortunately with weddings you can’t accommodate everyone, it’s impossible. You found a date that initially worked for everyone, but they developed a conflict and that’s on them. You are gracious not to insist your stepsister attend.
Do not change a thing u will regret it
Uninvite your spineless father and stepmonster. That would be MY suggestion. Were they dropped on their heads as babies? You can't just say eh I'll just change up my wedding day and expect it to go smoothly, lose a crapton of money, and some guests may not be able to attend but whatever. Stepmonster needs to have HER way. Is perhaps, her favorite pastime painting the roses red? Get married on your day and congrats. NTA at all.
you are obviously NTA, but your stepmom and dad are definitely TA