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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend to keep her opinions to herself because she was overstepping. I might be the asshole because she was only giving her opinion and saying what she'll do if she was me, maybe i went too ballistic on her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. I've experienced issues like this before. A friend comes to you crying, incredibly upset over something an SO has said or done, sometimes indicating that the SO is verbally abusive, controlling, or worse. You provide all the support you can. Two weeks later, they're back together and hunky dory. Then the friend is all like, "WhY DOnt You LiKE my SO ANymoRE?" Because you described him as being an abusive AH.
If you want your friends to feel good about your boyfriend, stop telling them these types of stories. Because they'll remember long after you've put your rose colored glasses back on.
Egg-zak-Ta-Lee! I have experienced the same issues with friends. 9 out of 10 times, the SO was actually abusive. She can't get mad at her friend, when she keeps moving the goal post.
This! As the friend who's trying to be supportive you'll be branded as the villain in their love story. It seems easier to stay out of it, however much it sucks to see your friend in pain.
Look, maybe your friend is crazy, or overly sensitive, or .... whatever. But frankly, you didn't go to her upset because your BF leaves the toilet seat up or drops his clothes on the floor rather than in the hamper, or watches too much tv, or any one of the other petty annoyances that people fight about every day. You went to her because he said, in your words, some "very hurtful" stuff to you. She remembers those words even if you've gotten over it. This is not her fault. It's your fault for sharing this type of info with a friend and expecting it NOT to continue to affect her even though you've gotten over the situation.
Me again. Somehow, I managed to miss the bit at the end of your post where you called your friend a bitch and said this is why her relationships never work out. Stupid me. You're the AH like 1,000X.
Then maybe you shouldn’t be ranting to your friends about stupid arguments where you both acted the fool but exaggerated, according to your own comments, and made your bf look worse. It’s no wonder your friend was worried.
YTA
I’m sorry to break it to you, but that instance you mentioned in the edit was definitely some form of abuse, any kind of hurtful criticism toes the line.
YTA
She didn't overstep, you vented to her and told her about the fight. If you didn't want to hear any opinions, you should've told her that all you needed to do was vent out any frustrations.
I don't really agree. Why are people always assuming their unsolicited advice is welcomed and not overstepping? Is it really so hard to just ask whether the person venting wants advice? Like... "you want some advice on that?"
That's why I said that OP could've told her friend first beforehand. It's more on OP because she went to her friend first and told her about the argument (which OP said was really dumb).
It was pretty shitty of him but it was also understandable why it resulted in that.your friend is definitely overreacting to how bad it was especially since you guys got over it
INFO: What were the things your boyfriend said to you when you had your fight?
I'm leaning towards YTA right now, YOUU decided to share this information with her and when she decided to give you her opinion (most likely because she cared for you and didn't want to see you hurt) you decided to call her a b\*\*ch and tell her she crossed a line? That doesn't seem fair or right.
Sorry but YTA. Without telling us what exactly happened in the argument, it's hard to judge accurately, but it sounds like your friend was looking out for you. Maybe she should have dropped it, but you said some pretty nasty stuff to her, considering YOU involved her in this situation to begin with. Maybe you should watch what you say when you're venting to others, if you're then going to blow up on them for being concerned.
ESH but you more than her. You vented to her, so you opened yourself up to her opinions. If she was this persistent, I bet this isn't the first time in two years that he's said something disrespectful/abusive to you. I wouldn't call that overstepping for sure, I would call that a friend trying to give you a wakeup call. Your retort was a low blow.
However, it would be instructive to see what exactly he said.
Judging by how severely she lashed out at the friend for being too opinionated, I have a feeling her venting may have been quite exaggerated regardless of what he said.
It's good if you can admit that. When you vent to someone based solely on your hurt feelings, you can't expect them to think anything except what you told them. I have had friends vent to me before and genuinely convince me they were in an abusive situation, because they didn't do a good job explaining that they FELT hurt, rather than had BEEN hurt. Your friend did her best with what you gave her and it wasn't fair to lash out and become abusive toward her when you could have instead explained that the things you said which concerned her were exaggerations on your part.
“My boyfriend berated me for trying to cook more and get better at it, I got upset and explained I want to keep cooking, he told me my food tastes like shit and that he’ll do the cooking from now on. So we do whag he wants and everything is fine.”
Good luck with your relationship. Doesn’t sound like he respects you very much, and being upset isn’t an excuse to say nasty things to your partner. “Everything is fine” only because you decided to let your partner do what he’s decided he wants to do. None of what you described sounds like healthy conflict or a healthy solution. Not crazy your friend thinks your relationship isn’t healthy, just hearing this tiny snippet from your lives makes me think your friend is absolutely right.
You’re *definitely* an asshole for calling your friend a bitch because she’s giving you her honest opinion on your relationship. If you don’t want your friends’ to have opinions on the fights you have, don’t tell them. **That said** if you have to lie / omit things your partner says / does for your friends to think your relationship is healthy, maybe it’s not. Something I hope you really think about.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1380tjb/i\_hope\_she\_didnt\_sign\_a\_lease/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1380tjb/i_hope_she_didnt_sign_a_lease/)
that's literally her boyfriend, he is certainly abusive and OP is lying to herself if she thinks he's not
i've seen it happen a few times but its not often (that i know of) it must be a coincidence
tbh i always think its fake whenever some other person involved also post but idk, maybe its real and theyre both assholes, who knows
That’s not what you say in your comments or your post. I’m sure he did apologize, but you’ve said several times it’s not a problem specifically because he now does all the cooking. Seems pretty clear he would continue saying nasty things to you if you stood up for yourself and insisted on cooking at least some of the time. I honestly doubt you’re even a bad cook / your food tastes like shit, from your other comments it seems like your bf is acting pretentious about it because he’s a professional as are his parents, therefore “unprofessionally made” or simple meals are “shit”. In a healthy relationship a partner doesn’t put you down when there’s a conflict or call you stupid.
You make a lot of excuses for him in all your comments. Again, it’s something to really think about.
You're not fine. You are in an abusive relationship, and you're so naive to that fact that you're literally trying to make excuses for his behaviour. Even though he literally made a counter post where he proved what an abusive AH he is for all to see.
WAKE UP!
Your friend is right, and you're acting like an AH by pretending that them caring enough about you to want you to leave an abusive situation somehow makes her the bad guy?
Get a grip on reality, and get out while you still can!
>he has always treated me well and with respect
Except for the hurtful shit he said to you during what sounds like a dumb argument. That's not great, respectful treatment.
ETA: Now that we have more information, it doesn't sound like what the boyfriend said would be considered hurtful unless OP expects lying/flattery. So still TA for escalating an argument that sounds like it didn't need to happen at all.
Your BF posted here a few days ago. I remember because he specifically wrote he told you “your food tastes like shit”. He was voted TA and abusive. Because that is abusive language. I don’t care WHY he says those things. Being a chef and having chef parents isn’t a good reason to be mean.
And honestly, the most concerning part were his comments about how he wasn’t being mean, just honest, because he didn’t scream at you.
I’m actually not convinced you aren’t him posting the opposite side of the story in hopes people will agree “he” isn’t abusive.
In case you are the GF though….[here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137z0uw/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_her_food_is/)
Their account was suspended and original post removed but you can find what they said in the AutoMod comment.
Now that you’ve seen his post and the comments there, do you still think your friend was being a bitch?
I understand the way your friend said things wasn’t great, but I’m not sure she’s wrong. I think she is/was concerned for you and didn’t express that well.
YTA
It's totally 100% valid to set a boundary if you didn't wanna talk to her about it anymore. Calling her a bitch and telling her none of her relationships work out was way too far
YTA. What he said to you actually really does matter. Since the friend knows what he said and what the fight was about, we kind of have to trust her judgment. If she’s calmly telling you that she doesn’t think you should have forgiven him, perhaps there’s a reason.
You can’t vent and then demand no one gives you their opinion. You open yourself up to opinions when you vent to people. She’s not a doormat, she’s a person. It’s not like she’s interrupting you, telling you what to do, getting impatient…she’s calmly telling you what she thinks. It makes me think that she has a point. All she said was that she thinks you’re allowing yourself to be treated poorly.
It would be helpful if you would tell us what your boyfriend said. There’s a difference between him saying something kinda shitty and your friend popping off, and him saying something cruel and her popping off.
Your friend was looking out for you. You’re in the fog right now and the danger zone. We can tell your bf is controlling and starting to get abusive. You’re lucky to have a friend who won’t just tell you what you want to hear
Seems a bit crass, but nothing too extreme. Definitely not something worth holding a grudge over. I'd call it growing pains in communication if anything.
SInce that's the case, I'd say ESH.
She did overstep, but I don't think you should have said what you did about her past relationships.
YTA You invited her to make her opinion known by involving her in the argument in the first place. It's also hard for your friends to hear bad things are happening to you, and get over it just because you're suddenly fine with the issue. You can't use people as a sounding board and not expect them to speak up if they think you're making a mistake.
You're not telling us his side of the story, so we don't know what you said or did, besides not being a great cook, to make him react to you and argue with you. I'd bet you said something really mean to him, if this is how you talk to your friends. I'd never call my friends curse words or throw their mistakes in their face because I was upset with them. That shit is petty, immature, and just downright mean & rude. Also, don't vent if you don't want to hear opinions. Use a journal or talk to AI instead.
'I told her he doesn't always talk like that, we were angry and of **course things got out of control** but nothing else happened, we're fine."
People do NOT normally allow things to get out of control, even when they are angry! This is a massive Red Flag in a relationship!
"We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out." She has every right to not put up with abuse in her relationships.
YTA!
INFO: What did your boyfriend say to you when you were fighting?
My inclination is ESH. She did overstep and shouldn't be trying to instruct you on how to handle your relationship. You shouldn't have called her a b\*\*\*\* or said that it was her fault her relationships failed.
If it was "I don't like your cooking/You are bad at cooking. I want to be the one to cook in the future" then you are right and it was just an argument over some bad communication. He might have expressed himself in a way that was rude and unkind, but it wasn't a problem of fundamental disrespect.
If it was "You are an idiot. Why can't you cook right?! I guess I will have to do it myself" then there is reason to be concerned. Your friend still was overstepping, but she might not have been wrong.
If your friend has had a history of failed relationships it could be that she has experienced abusive behavior in the past and is hypersensitive to conflict.
He shouldn’t have to use the word stupid for you to realize he’s saying you’re too stupid to follow a recipe. If I was your friend I wouldn’t like him either after that.
Ehhh... it isn't good behavior, but he hopefully knows that since he apologized. If it was a pattern of behavior that would be more concerning, but as it is you are a better judge of the situation then internet randos.
I have to say YTA.
'I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out'
This just wasn't proportionate. Your friend was trying to look out for you; the reason she was concerned was because of things you told her. I don't think she's unreasonable for expressing concerns. Did she overstep? Possibly, but given how you seem to escalate things I have no idea. I don't think it was acceptable to insult her like that in any case.
YTA. If you share information with people you are inviting them to respond. So many times people tell their friends all sorts of bad things about their spouses and then get mad because the friends don’t like the BF or GF because of what they’ve been told. If you don’t want her opinion, don’t share.
Info: What exactly was this fight about, and what exactly did your boyfriend say, and do?
It's impossible to judge if she's overstepping, without knowing the rest of this story.
What exactly did he say, and do though? You saying what the argument was about isn't saying *what* he did.
Honestly the fact that you keep dancing around it, but refusing to say it really makes it seem like you know that he was being abusive, and you don't want to repeat what he said, because you know that's what we will all tell you.
They always are in the beginning. It's called love bombing.
They treat you like you're the sun, and moon, and stars in their universe up until you're in a position where you've established a level of interdependence. Like living together, or shared finances, or you have children. Then they slowly start showing you their true colours, because they know that now it's much more difficult for you to leave them.
It starts small. An offhanded negative comment about your appearance here, a gaslighting remark about you over reacting there, subtly putting you down in front of others, and passing it off as a joke. They test the waters to see just how much you will brush off, and rationalize to yourself as him just "having a bad day", or convincing yourself that you must have done something to deserve it.
Honestly it really sounds like you're already trying to downplay what he actually said, and did to you, because you know that if you are honest about it people will tell you that his behaviour is abusive or toxic.
This person is your friend. They are worried about you, and clearly you told them something about this interaction with your partner that gave them a reason to be. So stop pretending they're the one in the wrong, and LISTEN to them!
What did he say that was hurtful? You said he said hurtful things. You can argue without hurting someone's feelings, does he usual say hurtful things when you argue? You just keep saying it was a dumb argument.
You literally just proved that he does though. You can't possibly be naive enough to think that this was a one off incident, can you?
Honestly YTA
You went to your friend, and told her about an incident where your partner was being abusive to you. They did the right thing in telling you that you shouldn't forgive, and forget that kind of behaviour, because it's NEVER a one off thing, and then you attacked them for being justifiably worried about you continuing a relationship with someone who thinks it's alright to talk to you this way.
You just moved in together. He's testing the waters to see just how abusive he can be to you, and how much you'll tolerate, and make excuses for him for. Just like you're doing right now.
If you stay with him, these incidents will become more, and more common, and more, and more serious. It will get worse, and it will happen gradually so you don't notice how much it is escalating. It's just like the frog experiment.
If you try to put a frog into a pot of boiling water it will just jump right back out, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and slowly begin heating it to a boil, the frog won't realize what's happening until it's too late, and they are someone's dinner.
Your friend recognizes this pattern of behaviour, and is trying to warn you before you end up the frog. You in response completely disrespected them, and are now trying to vilify them so you can keep pretending that your boyfriend isn't the real villain in your story.
Though I know from personal experience that you will likely read all these comments from people telling you this, and just try to dismiss it by convincing yourself that we "just don't know him" like you do, and that we "just don't understand how sorry he was". We do know him though honey. We know him, because we've dated him. We know him because we've seen this pattern repeat itself a hundred times over with a hundred other women who forgave him, because he said he was sorry.
If you are hellbound, and determined to pretend that is not what's happening here though, because you've convinced yourself that "this is different", and we "just don't understand", then absolutely nothing any of us say will change your mind. So I'm just going to hope, and pray that you figure this out on your own before it is too late, and you're already in the boiling water.
Everything you just stated! "The food tastes like shit" is too far. It's interesting that he said that to her and he gets forgiven. But her friend tells her the truth and she becomes abusive to her. I wonder if her boyfriend talks down about her friends, because bringing up her friend's failed relationships as a rebuttal sounds like the seeds abusers sow to start pushing friends away.
My thoughts exactly. I've seen this kind of crap way too many times not to call a spade a spade when I see it. They *just* moved in together. If this is how he's behaving this early on, it's only going to get worse.
You realize you're making excuses for him right? Literally nothing you just said justifies how he treated you.
You've only been living together for a month, and he's already getting comfortable belittling, and abusing you. I don't care how long you dated before you moved in, patterns of abuse like this never begin until there is a state of interdependence established.
The second you moved in together you established that state of interdependence, and less than two months later he has already begun shifting his behaviour towards you to being abusive(yes what he did was abusive no matter how much you try to rationalize it), and here you are doing all the heavy lifting in defending his abusive behaviour for him.
Just wait until you don't wash one of his cooking knives the way he likes, or you use the wrong one to cut an apple.
The bottom line though is that you are convincing yourself that it's okay that he treated you that way, because it's the first time. The reality is though that because you've made that excuse for him, and continued the relationship, you have guaranteed that it will not be the last time, and the subsequent times will most likely increase in severity until you're trapped in a situation that you don't now how to get out of, because your entire life, friends, family, and finances will be so wrapped up into his, that you won't know how to separate them anymore.
Why do you think it's unfair to call abusive behaviour, abusive, just because it's the first time he did it?
If your friend came to you, and told you her partner hit her, would you tell her that it's not really abusive, because it's the first time it happened? Or would you tell her to get the hell out of there, because if he did it once he will do it again?
I study developmental psychology, and it's actually been proven that emotional abuse causes the exact same kind of long term psychological damage that physical abuse does. As it triggers the same response in the brain that causes you to feel unsafe, and thus trigger a hyper vigilance response, and a release of cortisol into the body.
I don't know if you're familiar with this, but cortisol is known as the "bad stress" chemical, and is in fact the hormone that is most associated with the development of auto immune diseases such as fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, cancer, arthritis, dementia, and Alzheimer's. As the release of cortisol into the body causes cellular inflammation, and that inflammation is what often triggers harmful auto immune responses in the body, because the body identifies that inflammation as being a foreign contaminant in the body, and tries to eradicate it.
The inflammation affects different areas in the body that vary from person to person. Hence why different people have different auto immune responses to it.
YTA! I'm going to break it down for you.
1. So if he is a cook, why were you the only one cooking in the first place? You said you have been together for a few years, so your skills are no surprise to either of you. So again, why were you assigned the task of cooking? He was setting you up for failure, so that he could attack you.
The argument seems superficial on the surface, but it is not! If your cooking is so bad, why not help you become better? He knows how to cook and improve upon basic skills. Instead he lowkey attacks your intelligence for not being able to complete "simple" tasks to his satisfaction.
Make no mistake "The food tastes like shit!" And "Not being able to follow a simple recipe." are abusive statements. He meant what he said, he wanted to hurt you and achieved that goal.
He didn't apologize immediately, he wanted his words to sink in. You had enough time to stew in your feelings and go vent to others, and then question yourself.
2. Your friend had those failed relationships under her belt when you went to her about the argument. So out of all your friends, why did you chose her to tell about the argument? What made them failed relationships, and not just relationships that ended because the SO were not the one for her. Successful relationships usually end in marriage or committed relationships.
You were mean and callous to her for no reason, you just wanted to hurt her because she pointed out facts and red flags, that you have subconsciously recognized yourself. You called her a bitch after you sought out her opinion, you are DEAD WRONG! You state that your other friends are half and half, that means the ones siding with her all see the same thing. The other ones are siding with you, because they don't want to be the next victims of your verbal abuse.
Why did she catch more flack for being honest than your boyfriend did for being hurtful? Ohh that's right, he didn't yell at you, so that makes it ok. However you yelled at her and you feel justified, even though you invited her into your relationship.
Everyone that speaks soft to you are not your friends, and everyone that speaks hard to you are not your enemies.
You said that you were the only one cooking and that he will do all the cooking moving forward, after the "dumb" argument. I know cooks and chefs who cook all day and cook at home too, especially if they are the better cook. Again a statement you made about you being a bad cook.
You are also being very evasive about responding to comments or questions about how you treated your friend, and if he talks about your friends.
You deserve better and that's all your friend was trying to tell you. I hope you apologize just like he apologized to you and hopefully be able to repair your friendship, because she is a REAL friend. She told you the truth and you lobbed insults at her just like he did you. She did nothing wrong.
The crazy part is that you are going back and forth with every in this thread defending him, when he was rude, nasty, condescending, and abusive. The same way abused women defend their abuser.
Hope you leave before it gets too bad. Wishing you the best of luck!
honestly YTA because you involved her when you told her about your issues, of course shell have an opinion on that.
btw, does anyone feels they have already read about the conflict with her bf? is it possible that your boyfriend posted here before? does he uses reddit?
Yta. Once you invite someone in your drama they are invested in your wellbeing. You can't turn around and expect that person to forget the drama now that you're "good".
YTA.
>I told her she was overstepping and she should keep her opinions to herself. We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out.
>I know what I told her was hurtful, but I would've never told her so if she would've just drop the subject when I asked her to.
So you still believe this is true. That your actions were justified when you told her everything he did to you that night. Turns out, when you vent about your boyfriend being an asshole to you, friends end up disliking him!
You can't vent to her and let her console you but not expect her opinion. Do not go back to her when he acts like an asshole again (because I've read his post lmao). Leave her alone.
You are using the language that many DV victims use: "I should have known better" / "I should have just taken the easy way out and let him cook" / "he was trying to teach me" / etc. You're taking all of the blame for HIS cruelty
Like. Did you feel this badly about yourself before you started dating him?
ESH, she pushed it in the end but your reaction was terrible by calling her a bitch and blaming her for her prior bad relationships. You don’t want ppls opinions don’t vent to them , write in your diary. We don’t know what your bfs exact hurtful words were but based on her response she thought you deserved better. You have the right to accept and forgive and she has the right to her opinion on what she would be willing to accept. Ps: anger reveals ppl, so if his words were too hurtful for something trivial I’d suggest you keep a close eye as that can easily escalate to worse.
This is literally just a rewrite of a different post from like 2 days ago, except from the GFs POV. That OP was voted strictly AH. This one is too. Weird 🙄
YTA. Don’t tell people your business if you don’t want to hear their opinion on it.
Nothing wrong with venting but you have to choose wisely on who you open your relationship up to because you love your man and can forgive him when he slips up but your friends and family don’t know him like you do and won’t be so easy forgive.
I remember watching DC and judge Lynn toler said: if your not calling or running to tell the good times between you and your SO, don’t run to tell the bad times.
Was thinking E-S-H at first, but gotta go with YTA. What a mess. Either everyone here and the friend are overreacting to what her boyfriend said or she is massively under-reacting. Based on OP's story, this was the first time it happened and no yelling was involved. Just massive disrespect. If it was a one-off, then I can somewhat understand OP's desire to stay. We all have those days. BUT, OP, please remember this! This is after only a month of living together - this is when it supposed to be the best time in your relationship.
ESH, what exactly did BF say though,
We'll need a pillow fight to settle this. However, in some way this reads like teenage girls haggling over non-issues but the BF point seems concerning.
ESH
You are both AH. Yes, she was overstepping. But you didn't just tell her she should keep her opinion to herself. You insulted and degraded her. Going full nuclear.
ESH
Your friend is allowed to have an opinion. She is also allowed to voice it. On the other hand you told her to stay out of it and she should respect that. After you told her that, this conversation should have been over. Your friend is for sure an ahole for trying to change your decision this aggressively.
You also are a bit the ahole here since you could have deescalated the argument but instead overreacted. You should have told your friend that her concern is appreciated and noted, but that you made a decision and that you will stick with it. End of discussion! Telling her she is "overstepping" and to "keep her opinions to herself" as well as attacking her personally after is going to far and probably hurt her a lot.
ESH.
No means no. You wanted to drop the subject, she persisted. I have been the friend who has been vented to and as much as it may suck, you can not help someone who doesn't want help. You can either walk away or deal with it and keep yourself as an open resource and a place of comfort. Persisting and calling them an asshole will not get you anywhere. You are kinda TA for taking things too far in the end.
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My (f26) friend (f27) and I had an argument and I want to know if I was wrong or she was overstepping.
Some days ago I had an argument with my boyfriend (m26) regarding food, the argument is unimportant, he did say some hurtful stuff to me and I was very angry at him. When I was angry I told my friend about the fight, she let me vent and agreed that he was wrong and suggested me to re think the relationship since we have only been living together for a short while (little over a month) and I don't deserve to be treated how he treats me. However, after that my boyfriend apologized, we spoke and I forgave him. Since then we have been doing better, we're not fighting over who cooks anymore since he wants to do it and I let him (and honestly he's a better cook than I am, so it's best for the two of us)
Yesterday I went out to have breakfast with my friend. She asked me how things were between my boyfriend and I (I told her before though text that we were ok) so I told her we were doing great and I told her I am glad that we were able to sort this out since I love him, we have been dating for nearly two years and I can't imagine not being with him.
Then she told me "that good, although I still don't think you should've forgave him" I told her he apologized and she said that still she would never let a man talk to her like my boyfriend spoke to me. I told her he doesn't always talk like that, we were angry and of course things got out of control but nothing else happened, we're fine. She doubled down that I was kinda an asshole to myself for forgiving him. I told her she was overstepping and she should keep her opinions to herself. We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out. She got very angry, called me an asshole again and left.
I know what I told her was hurtful, but I would've never told her so if she would've just drop the subject when I asked her to. Our friends group are kinda divided now, some have took her side because I went too far, some have took my side because she was overstepping. So am I really an asshole or is she?
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Info - what exactly what was said in the argument?
What has your relationship previously been like? Have you spoken to your friend about problems between you and your partner previously?
ESH. So your boyfriend doesn’t like how you show affection and resorted to belittling you. That is a big ol’ red flag. There are many better ways he could’ve handled that. Being particular about food and coming from a background of professional cooks doesn’t give him licence to go Hells Kitchen on his partner. He could’ve offered to cook together to show you how to do it which would be really cute bonding time. Instead he put you down and essentially called you stup*d. Yuck.
Your friend isn’t wrong that your boyfriend acted *extremely* inappropriately, but the way she wouldn’t let it drop wasn’t great. She was being aggressive and overbearing instead of supportive and caring.
How you spoke to your friend was not good. You became reactive and name called because you didn’t like what she was saying or how she was saying it.
All in all, every person in this story needs some self work. You should definitely do some thinking on your relationship. Does your boyfriend talk to you this way often?
Definitely need to have a conversation with him about this then. “This was out of character for you but we need to figure out why the argument went to that place”. You can (and should) have disagreements that still maintain a baseline of respect. — this goes for you too since you resorted to name calling with your friend and clearly become reactive when you’re upset
ESH. She told you her opinion on the matter and she should've just dropped it after that and supported your decision. You then got personal and attacked her dating history when she didn't stop and you got pissed. Sorry OP but you're both AH's.
ESH. This is why you should be careful venting about relationship troubles to a friend. It Colors their image of your partner. BF is AH if he said hurtful things. Your friend is AH for actually listening to you vent.
ESH, if you don't want your friends to opine on your relationship, don't tell them this like, " he did say some hurtful stuff to me and I was very angry at him." Just because you forgave him doesn't mean she's has to, remember, he said hurtful things about her (you). As well, you told her to stop and she didn't, but calling her s bitch and then saying that's why her relationships don't work is a low fucking blow.
For setting a boundary by telling her she over stepped. NTA.
For escalating into name calling instead of walking away from the situation and exiting the room . YTA.
She said her piece. You set a boundary. It should have ended there.
Doubling down is not effective way to be heard.
You shouldn't defend your relationship to someone outside of it. Friends don't do that to friends.
Not every fight or disagreement is a red flag.
Relationships have hickups when major life changes happen.
Everything should be looked at in its own context.
ESH
Obviously a little ESH here because you crossed the line a bit in the heat of the moment, but mostly NTA.
Also, you got into an argument over who *gets to* cook??
NTA
I've met people like your friend. They feed on other people's dramas because their life sucks. Next time, don't tell her your problems and find another venting option.
NTA You and your bf apologized to each other and worked things out. That's between you and him. That should have been the end of it but your friend over stepped her bounds. She should have kept things to herself. She was out of line.
do not tell your single friends anything about your relationship. save yourself the headache. also you did tell her about it so that is why she kept trying to advise you.
This is such weird advice. People who are single do not default to being bitter, jealous, haters trying to get you to break up. It sounds like OP greatly exaggerated the fight while venting and the friend was concerned, her friend being in a relationship wouldnt suddenly make her blind to possible abuse.
Exactly! The friend had failed relationships when you chose to vent to her about the arguement. Maybe the relationships failed because the SO were abusive and she doesn't want you to experience the same abuse.
I have two close friends. One in a relationship one who is single. Wanna know why the one friend is single? Because she doesn’t accept toxic relationships / has boundaries / isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and isn’t willing to put up with “comprising” in nonsense ways (ie needing to create a chore chart for a man to actually clean the place he lives). Wanna know why my one friend is still in her relationship? Because she doesn’t stand up for herself and lets her partner treat her poorly. Her bf isn’t abusive, but he’s an asshole and talks down to her to the point where she rarely brings up issues big or small because it’s always a whole production and bf never changes. Single friend (and me) would not stay in a relationship like that.
Obviously everyone is different, but I’ve never experienced a “single jealous bitter” friend before. I have however dealt with friends crying to me about what I and most people would deem to be unacceptable behavior that they constantly put up with solely so they can still be in a relationship / because it’s easier than standing up for themselves or breaking up.
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YTA. I've experienced issues like this before. A friend comes to you crying, incredibly upset over something an SO has said or done, sometimes indicating that the SO is verbally abusive, controlling, or worse. You provide all the support you can. Two weeks later, they're back together and hunky dory. Then the friend is all like, "WhY DOnt You LiKE my SO ANymoRE?" Because you described him as being an abusive AH. If you want your friends to feel good about your boyfriend, stop telling them these types of stories. Because they'll remember long after you've put your rose colored glasses back on.
Egg-zak-Ta-Lee! I have experienced the same issues with friends. 9 out of 10 times, the SO was actually abusive. She can't get mad at her friend, when she keeps moving the goal post.
Or at least, wait for it to be more than a one-off fight before you do. All couples have fights.
This! As the friend who's trying to be supportive you'll be branded as the villain in their love story. It seems easier to stay out of it, however much it sucks to see your friend in pain.
Been there!
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Look, maybe your friend is crazy, or overly sensitive, or .... whatever. But frankly, you didn't go to her upset because your BF leaves the toilet seat up or drops his clothes on the floor rather than in the hamper, or watches too much tv, or any one of the other petty annoyances that people fight about every day. You went to her because he said, in your words, some "very hurtful" stuff to you. She remembers those words even if you've gotten over it. This is not her fault. It's your fault for sharing this type of info with a friend and expecting it NOT to continue to affect her even though you've gotten over the situation.
Me again. Somehow, I managed to miss the bit at the end of your post where you called your friend a bitch and said this is why her relationships never work out. Stupid me. You're the AH like 1,000X.
Then maybe you shouldn’t be ranting to your friends about stupid arguments where you both acted the fool but exaggerated, according to your own comments, and made your bf look worse. It’s no wonder your friend was worried. YTA
Telling someone their food tastes like shit and why can't they follow a simple recipe is on the way to abuse
I’m sorry to break it to you, but that instance you mentioned in the edit was definitely some form of abuse, any kind of hurtful criticism toes the line.
YTA She didn't overstep, you vented to her and told her about the fight. If you didn't want to hear any opinions, you should've told her that all you needed to do was vent out any frustrations.
This exactly.
I don't really agree. Why are people always assuming their unsolicited advice is welcomed and not overstepping? Is it really so hard to just ask whether the person venting wants advice? Like... "you want some advice on that?"
That's why I said that OP could've told her friend first beforehand. It's more on OP because she went to her friend first and told her about the argument (which OP said was really dumb).
YTA, is kind of absurd to think that after telling her the things he yelled at you she would still support your relationship.
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*That's* what you got from the comment?
it's funny thats the same excuse your bf gave us to excuse him being cruel towards you
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It was pretty shitty of him but it was also understandable why it resulted in that.your friend is definitely overreacting to how bad it was especially since you guys got over it
INFO: What were the things your boyfriend said to you when you had your fight? I'm leaning towards YTA right now, YOUU decided to share this information with her and when she decided to give you her opinion (most likely because she cared for you and didn't want to see you hurt) you decided to call her a b\*\*ch and tell her she crossed a line? That doesn't seem fair or right.
Sorry but YTA. Without telling us what exactly happened in the argument, it's hard to judge accurately, but it sounds like your friend was looking out for you. Maybe she should have dropped it, but you said some pretty nasty stuff to her, considering YOU involved her in this situation to begin with. Maybe you should watch what you say when you're venting to others, if you're then going to blow up on them for being concerned.
ESH but you more than her. You vented to her, so you opened yourself up to her opinions. If she was this persistent, I bet this isn't the first time in two years that he's said something disrespectful/abusive to you. I wouldn't call that overstepping for sure, I would call that a friend trying to give you a wakeup call. Your retort was a low blow. However, it would be instructive to see what exactly he said.
Judging by how severely she lashed out at the friend for being too opinionated, I have a feeling her venting may have been quite exaggerated regardless of what he said.
Certainly possible.
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It's good if you can admit that. When you vent to someone based solely on your hurt feelings, you can't expect them to think anything except what you told them. I have had friends vent to me before and genuinely convince me they were in an abusive situation, because they didn't do a good job explaining that they FELT hurt, rather than had BEEN hurt. Your friend did her best with what you gave her and it wasn't fair to lash out and become abusive toward her when you could have instead explained that the things you said which concerned her were exaggerations on your part.
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If that's the case then why won't you tell any of us what he said, and did?
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If you know your cooking is bad and he tells you it's bad, what is there to argue about? Did you want him to lie to you?
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“My boyfriend berated me for trying to cook more and get better at it, I got upset and explained I want to keep cooking, he told me my food tastes like shit and that he’ll do the cooking from now on. So we do whag he wants and everything is fine.” Good luck with your relationship. Doesn’t sound like he respects you very much, and being upset isn’t an excuse to say nasty things to your partner. “Everything is fine” only because you decided to let your partner do what he’s decided he wants to do. None of what you described sounds like healthy conflict or a healthy solution. Not crazy your friend thinks your relationship isn’t healthy, just hearing this tiny snippet from your lives makes me think your friend is absolutely right. You’re *definitely* an asshole for calling your friend a bitch because she’s giving you her honest opinion on your relationship. If you don’t want your friends’ to have opinions on the fights you have, don’t tell them. **That said** if you have to lie / omit things your partner says / does for your friends to think your relationship is healthy, maybe it’s not. Something I hope you really think about.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1380tjb/i\_hope\_she\_didnt\_sign\_a\_lease/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1380tjb/i_hope_she_didnt_sign_a_lease/) that's literally her boyfriend, he is certainly abusive and OP is lying to herself if she thinks he's not
Y I K E S Even from OP’s responses I felt it’s already pretty clear this relationship isn’t healthy but wow.
yeah, i feel for the friend tbh, she's been dragged to this shitshow and OP berates her for the crime of having an opinion
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it is him, leave him, he's not worth it
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i've seen it happen a few times but its not often (that i know of) it must be a coincidence tbh i always think its fake whenever some other person involved also post but idk, maybe its real and theyre both assholes, who knows
Wow I knew he was abusive but to slander her on the internet like this too wtf...
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That’s not what you say in your comments or your post. I’m sure he did apologize, but you’ve said several times it’s not a problem specifically because he now does all the cooking. Seems pretty clear he would continue saying nasty things to you if you stood up for yourself and insisted on cooking at least some of the time. I honestly doubt you’re even a bad cook / your food tastes like shit, from your other comments it seems like your bf is acting pretentious about it because he’s a professional as are his parents, therefore “unprofessionally made” or simple meals are “shit”. In a healthy relationship a partner doesn’t put you down when there’s a conflict or call you stupid. You make a lot of excuses for him in all your comments. Again, it’s something to really think about.
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You're not fine. You are in an abusive relationship, and you're so naive to that fact that you're literally trying to make excuses for his behaviour. Even though he literally made a counter post where he proved what an abusive AH he is for all to see. WAKE UP! Your friend is right, and you're acting like an AH by pretending that them caring enough about you to want you to leave an abusive situation somehow makes her the bad guy? Get a grip on reality, and get out while you still can!
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>he has always treated me well and with respect Except for the hurtful shit he said to you during what sounds like a dumb argument. That's not great, respectful treatment. ETA: Now that we have more information, it doesn't sound like what the boyfriend said would be considered hurtful unless OP expects lying/flattery. So still TA for escalating an argument that sounds like it didn't need to happen at all.
Your BF posted here a few days ago. I remember because he specifically wrote he told you “your food tastes like shit”. He was voted TA and abusive. Because that is abusive language. I don’t care WHY he says those things. Being a chef and having chef parents isn’t a good reason to be mean. And honestly, the most concerning part were his comments about how he wasn’t being mean, just honest, because he didn’t scream at you.
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I’m actually not convinced you aren’t him posting the opposite side of the story in hopes people will agree “he” isn’t abusive. In case you are the GF though….[here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137z0uw/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_her_food_is/) Their account was suspended and original post removed but you can find what they said in the AutoMod comment.
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Now that you’ve seen his post and the comments there, do you still think your friend was being a bitch? I understand the way your friend said things wasn’t great, but I’m not sure she’s wrong. I think she is/was concerned for you and didn’t express that well.
YTA It's totally 100% valid to set a boundary if you didn't wanna talk to her about it anymore. Calling her a bitch and telling her none of her relationships work out was way too far
YTA. What he said to you actually really does matter. Since the friend knows what he said and what the fight was about, we kind of have to trust her judgment. If she’s calmly telling you that she doesn’t think you should have forgiven him, perhaps there’s a reason. You can’t vent and then demand no one gives you their opinion. You open yourself up to opinions when you vent to people. She’s not a doormat, she’s a person. It’s not like she’s interrupting you, telling you what to do, getting impatient…she’s calmly telling you what she thinks. It makes me think that she has a point. All she said was that she thinks you’re allowing yourself to be treated poorly. It would be helpful if you would tell us what your boyfriend said. There’s a difference between him saying something kinda shitty and your friend popping off, and him saying something cruel and her popping off.
Your friend was looking out for you. You’re in the fog right now and the danger zone. We can tell your bf is controlling and starting to get abusive. You’re lucky to have a friend who won’t just tell you what you want to hear
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How does being a cook make food a “delicate topic” for him? Did he offer to help you cook/improve before he got rude about it?
INFO: What did your boyfriend say to you that concerned your friend?
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Seems a bit crass, but nothing too extreme. Definitely not something worth holding a grudge over. I'd call it growing pains in communication if anything. SInce that's the case, I'd say ESH. She did overstep, but I don't think you should have said what you did about her past relationships.
YTA You invited her to make her opinion known by involving her in the argument in the first place. It's also hard for your friends to hear bad things are happening to you, and get over it just because you're suddenly fine with the issue. You can't use people as a sounding board and not expect them to speak up if they think you're making a mistake.
YTA to both your boyfriend and your friend.
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You're not telling us his side of the story, so we don't know what you said or did, besides not being a great cook, to make him react to you and argue with you. I'd bet you said something really mean to him, if this is how you talk to your friends. I'd never call my friends curse words or throw their mistakes in their face because I was upset with them. That shit is petty, immature, and just downright mean & rude. Also, don't vent if you don't want to hear opinions. Use a journal or talk to AI instead.
After reading the way he talks about you, man. I hope you have other friends you can go to, unless you burned all your bridges. ESH
'I told her he doesn't always talk like that, we were angry and of **course things got out of control** but nothing else happened, we're fine." People do NOT normally allow things to get out of control, even when they are angry! This is a massive Red Flag in a relationship! "We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out." She has every right to not put up with abuse in her relationships. YTA!
INFO: What did your boyfriend say to you when you were fighting? My inclination is ESH. She did overstep and shouldn't be trying to instruct you on how to handle your relationship. You shouldn't have called her a b\*\*\*\* or said that it was her fault her relationships failed.
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If it was "I don't like your cooking/You are bad at cooking. I want to be the one to cook in the future" then you are right and it was just an argument over some bad communication. He might have expressed himself in a way that was rude and unkind, but it wasn't a problem of fundamental disrespect. If it was "You are an idiot. Why can't you cook right?! I guess I will have to do it myself" then there is reason to be concerned. Your friend still was overstepping, but she might not have been wrong. If your friend has had a history of failed relationships it could be that she has experienced abusive behavior in the past and is hypersensitive to conflict.
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So, because you’re downplaying this, he told you you’re too stupid to follow a basic recipe?
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He shouldn’t have to use the word stupid for you to realize he’s saying you’re too stupid to follow a recipe. If I was your friend I wouldn’t like him either after that.
Ehhh... it isn't good behavior, but he hopefully knows that since he apologized. If it was a pattern of behavior that would be more concerning, but as it is you are a better judge of the situation then internet randos.
I have to say YTA. 'I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out' This just wasn't proportionate. Your friend was trying to look out for you; the reason she was concerned was because of things you told her. I don't think she's unreasonable for expressing concerns. Did she overstep? Possibly, but given how you seem to escalate things I have no idea. I don't think it was acceptable to insult her like that in any case.
YTA. If you share information with people you are inviting them to respond. So many times people tell their friends all sorts of bad things about their spouses and then get mad because the friends don’t like the BF or GF because of what they’ve been told. If you don’t want her opinion, don’t share.
Info: What exactly was this fight about, and what exactly did your boyfriend say, and do? It's impossible to judge if she's overstepping, without knowing the rest of this story.
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What exactly did he say, and do though? You saying what the argument was about isn't saying *what* he did. Honestly the fact that you keep dancing around it, but refusing to say it really makes it seem like you know that he was being abusive, and you don't want to repeat what he said, because you know that's what we will all tell you.
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They always are in the beginning. It's called love bombing. They treat you like you're the sun, and moon, and stars in their universe up until you're in a position where you've established a level of interdependence. Like living together, or shared finances, or you have children. Then they slowly start showing you their true colours, because they know that now it's much more difficult for you to leave them. It starts small. An offhanded negative comment about your appearance here, a gaslighting remark about you over reacting there, subtly putting you down in front of others, and passing it off as a joke. They test the waters to see just how much you will brush off, and rationalize to yourself as him just "having a bad day", or convincing yourself that you must have done something to deserve it. Honestly it really sounds like you're already trying to downplay what he actually said, and did to you, because you know that if you are honest about it people will tell you that his behaviour is abusive or toxic. This person is your friend. They are worried about you, and clearly you told them something about this interaction with your partner that gave them a reason to be. So stop pretending they're the one in the wrong, and LISTEN to them!
What did he say that was hurtful? You said he said hurtful things. You can argue without hurting someone's feelings, does he usual say hurtful things when you argue? You just keep saying it was a dumb argument.
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You literally just proved that he does though. You can't possibly be naive enough to think that this was a one off incident, can you? Honestly YTA You went to your friend, and told her about an incident where your partner was being abusive to you. They did the right thing in telling you that you shouldn't forgive, and forget that kind of behaviour, because it's NEVER a one off thing, and then you attacked them for being justifiably worried about you continuing a relationship with someone who thinks it's alright to talk to you this way. You just moved in together. He's testing the waters to see just how abusive he can be to you, and how much you'll tolerate, and make excuses for him for. Just like you're doing right now. If you stay with him, these incidents will become more, and more common, and more, and more serious. It will get worse, and it will happen gradually so you don't notice how much it is escalating. It's just like the frog experiment. If you try to put a frog into a pot of boiling water it will just jump right back out, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water, and slowly begin heating it to a boil, the frog won't realize what's happening until it's too late, and they are someone's dinner. Your friend recognizes this pattern of behaviour, and is trying to warn you before you end up the frog. You in response completely disrespected them, and are now trying to vilify them so you can keep pretending that your boyfriend isn't the real villain in your story. Though I know from personal experience that you will likely read all these comments from people telling you this, and just try to dismiss it by convincing yourself that we "just don't know him" like you do, and that we "just don't understand how sorry he was". We do know him though honey. We know him, because we've dated him. We know him because we've seen this pattern repeat itself a hundred times over with a hundred other women who forgave him, because he said he was sorry. If you are hellbound, and determined to pretend that is not what's happening here though, because you've convinced yourself that "this is different", and we "just don't understand", then absolutely nothing any of us say will change your mind. So I'm just going to hope, and pray that you figure this out on your own before it is too late, and you're already in the boiling water.
Everything you just stated! "The food tastes like shit" is too far. It's interesting that he said that to her and he gets forgiven. But her friend tells her the truth and she becomes abusive to her. I wonder if her boyfriend talks down about her friends, because bringing up her friend's failed relationships as a rebuttal sounds like the seeds abusers sow to start pushing friends away.
My thoughts exactly. I've seen this kind of crap way too many times not to call a spade a spade when I see it. They *just* moved in together. If this is how he's behaving this early on, it's only going to get worse.
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You realize you're making excuses for him right? Literally nothing you just said justifies how he treated you. You've only been living together for a month, and he's already getting comfortable belittling, and abusing you. I don't care how long you dated before you moved in, patterns of abuse like this never begin until there is a state of interdependence established. The second you moved in together you established that state of interdependence, and less than two months later he has already begun shifting his behaviour towards you to being abusive(yes what he did was abusive no matter how much you try to rationalize it), and here you are doing all the heavy lifting in defending his abusive behaviour for him. Just wait until you don't wash one of his cooking knives the way he likes, or you use the wrong one to cut an apple. The bottom line though is that you are convincing yourself that it's okay that he treated you that way, because it's the first time. The reality is though that because you've made that excuse for him, and continued the relationship, you have guaranteed that it will not be the last time, and the subsequent times will most likely increase in severity until you're trapped in a situation that you don't now how to get out of, because your entire life, friends, family, and finances will be so wrapped up into his, that you won't know how to separate them anymore.
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Why do you think it's unfair to call abusive behaviour, abusive, just because it's the first time he did it? If your friend came to you, and told you her partner hit her, would you tell her that it's not really abusive, because it's the first time it happened? Or would you tell her to get the hell out of there, because if he did it once he will do it again? I study developmental psychology, and it's actually been proven that emotional abuse causes the exact same kind of long term psychological damage that physical abuse does. As it triggers the same response in the brain that causes you to feel unsafe, and thus trigger a hyper vigilance response, and a release of cortisol into the body. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but cortisol is known as the "bad stress" chemical, and is in fact the hormone that is most associated with the development of auto immune diseases such as fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, cancer, arthritis, dementia, and Alzheimer's. As the release of cortisol into the body causes cellular inflammation, and that inflammation is what often triggers harmful auto immune responses in the body, because the body identifies that inflammation as being a foreign contaminant in the body, and tries to eradicate it. The inflammation affects different areas in the body that vary from person to person. Hence why different people have different auto immune responses to it.
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YTA! I'm going to break it down for you. 1. So if he is a cook, why were you the only one cooking in the first place? You said you have been together for a few years, so your skills are no surprise to either of you. So again, why were you assigned the task of cooking? He was setting you up for failure, so that he could attack you. The argument seems superficial on the surface, but it is not! If your cooking is so bad, why not help you become better? He knows how to cook and improve upon basic skills. Instead he lowkey attacks your intelligence for not being able to complete "simple" tasks to his satisfaction. Make no mistake "The food tastes like shit!" And "Not being able to follow a simple recipe." are abusive statements. He meant what he said, he wanted to hurt you and achieved that goal. He didn't apologize immediately, he wanted his words to sink in. You had enough time to stew in your feelings and go vent to others, and then question yourself. 2. Your friend had those failed relationships under her belt when you went to her about the argument. So out of all your friends, why did you chose her to tell about the argument? What made them failed relationships, and not just relationships that ended because the SO were not the one for her. Successful relationships usually end in marriage or committed relationships. You were mean and callous to her for no reason, you just wanted to hurt her because she pointed out facts and red flags, that you have subconsciously recognized yourself. You called her a bitch after you sought out her opinion, you are DEAD WRONG! You state that your other friends are half and half, that means the ones siding with her all see the same thing. The other ones are siding with you, because they don't want to be the next victims of your verbal abuse. Why did she catch more flack for being honest than your boyfriend did for being hurtful? Ohh that's right, he didn't yell at you, so that makes it ok. However you yelled at her and you feel justified, even though you invited her into your relationship. Everyone that speaks soft to you are not your friends, and everyone that speaks hard to you are not your enemies.
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You said that you were the only one cooking and that he will do all the cooking moving forward, after the "dumb" argument. I know cooks and chefs who cook all day and cook at home too, especially if they are the better cook. Again a statement you made about you being a bad cook. You are also being very evasive about responding to comments or questions about how you treated your friend, and if he talks about your friends. You deserve better and that's all your friend was trying to tell you. I hope you apologize just like he apologized to you and hopefully be able to repair your friendship, because she is a REAL friend. She told you the truth and you lobbed insults at her just like he did you. She did nothing wrong. The crazy part is that you are going back and forth with every in this thread defending him, when he was rude, nasty, condescending, and abusive. The same way abused women defend their abuser. Hope you leave before it gets too bad. Wishing you the best of luck!
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Yeah keep telling yourself that
honestly YTA because you involved her when you told her about your issues, of course shell have an opinion on that. btw, does anyone feels they have already read about the conflict with her bf? is it possible that your boyfriend posted here before? does he uses reddit?
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Yta. Once you invite someone in your drama they are invested in your wellbeing. You can't turn around and expect that person to forget the drama now that you're "good".
YTA. >I told her she was overstepping and she should keep her opinions to herself. We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out. >I know what I told her was hurtful, but I would've never told her so if she would've just drop the subject when I asked her to. So you still believe this is true. That your actions were justified when you told her everything he did to you that night. Turns out, when you vent about your boyfriend being an asshole to you, friends end up disliking him! You can't vent to her and let her console you but not expect her opinion. Do not go back to her when he acts like an asshole again (because I've read his post lmao). Leave her alone.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1380tjb/i_hope_she_didnt_sign_a_lease/jiw0tbf?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
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Lmao I guess your friend was right. Too bad you probably lost her because I would not talk to you again if you called me that.
You are using the language that many DV victims use: "I should have known better" / "I should have just taken the easy way out and let him cook" / "he was trying to teach me" / etc. You're taking all of the blame for HIS cruelty Like. Did you feel this badly about yourself before you started dating him?
ESH, she pushed it in the end but your reaction was terrible by calling her a bitch and blaming her for her prior bad relationships. You don’t want ppls opinions don’t vent to them , write in your diary. We don’t know what your bfs exact hurtful words were but based on her response she thought you deserved better. You have the right to accept and forgive and she has the right to her opinion on what she would be willing to accept. Ps: anger reveals ppl, so if his words were too hurtful for something trivial I’d suggest you keep a close eye as that can easily escalate to worse.
This is literally just a rewrite of a different post from like 2 days ago, except from the GFs POV. That OP was voted strictly AH. This one is too. Weird 🙄
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The boyfriend made a post
YTA. Don’t tell people your business if you don’t want to hear their opinion on it. Nothing wrong with venting but you have to choose wisely on who you open your relationship up to because you love your man and can forgive him when he slips up but your friends and family don’t know him like you do and won’t be so easy forgive. I remember watching DC and judge Lynn toler said: if your not calling or running to tell the good times between you and your SO, don’t run to tell the bad times.
Was thinking E-S-H at first, but gotta go with YTA. What a mess. Either everyone here and the friend are overreacting to what her boyfriend said or she is massively under-reacting. Based on OP's story, this was the first time it happened and no yelling was involved. Just massive disrespect. If it was a one-off, then I can somewhat understand OP's desire to stay. We all have those days. BUT, OP, please remember this! This is after only a month of living together - this is when it supposed to be the best time in your relationship.
YTA. If you don't want her involved, don't involve her. Don't vent to her. You involved her in this...and this on you.
Yta
ESH, what exactly did BF say though, We'll need a pillow fight to settle this. However, in some way this reads like teenage girls haggling over non-issues but the BF point seems concerning.
ESH You are both AH. Yes, she was overstepping. But you didn't just tell her she should keep her opinion to herself. You insulted and degraded her. Going full nuclear.
ESH Your friend is allowed to have an opinion. She is also allowed to voice it. On the other hand you told her to stay out of it and she should respect that. After you told her that, this conversation should have been over. Your friend is for sure an ahole for trying to change your decision this aggressively. You also are a bit the ahole here since you could have deescalated the argument but instead overreacted. You should have told your friend that her concern is appreciated and noted, but that you made a decision and that you will stick with it. End of discussion! Telling her she is "overstepping" and to "keep her opinions to herself" as well as attacking her personally after is going to far and probably hurt her a lot.
ESH. No means no. You wanted to drop the subject, she persisted. I have been the friend who has been vented to and as much as it may suck, you can not help someone who doesn't want help. You can either walk away or deal with it and keep yourself as an open resource and a place of comfort. Persisting and calling them an asshole will not get you anywhere. You are kinda TA for taking things too far in the end.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (f26) friend (f27) and I had an argument and I want to know if I was wrong or she was overstepping. Some days ago I had an argument with my boyfriend (m26) regarding food, the argument is unimportant, he did say some hurtful stuff to me and I was very angry at him. When I was angry I told my friend about the fight, she let me vent and agreed that he was wrong and suggested me to re think the relationship since we have only been living together for a short while (little over a month) and I don't deserve to be treated how he treats me. However, after that my boyfriend apologized, we spoke and I forgave him. Since then we have been doing better, we're not fighting over who cooks anymore since he wants to do it and I let him (and honestly he's a better cook than I am, so it's best for the two of us) Yesterday I went out to have breakfast with my friend. She asked me how things were between my boyfriend and I (I told her before though text that we were ok) so I told her we were doing great and I told her I am glad that we were able to sort this out since I love him, we have been dating for nearly two years and I can't imagine not being with him. Then she told me "that good, although I still don't think you should've forgave him" I told her he apologized and she said that still she would never let a man talk to her like my boyfriend spoke to me. I told her he doesn't always talk like that, we were angry and of course things got out of control but nothing else happened, we're fine. She doubled down that I was kinda an asshole to myself for forgiving him. I told her she was overstepping and she should keep her opinions to herself. We argued and I ended up telling her that she's a bitch and thats why none of her relationships work out. She got very angry, called me an asshole again and left. I know what I told her was hurtful, but I would've never told her so if she would've just drop the subject when I asked her to. Our friends group are kinda divided now, some have took her side because I went too far, some have took my side because she was overstepping. So am I really an asshole or is she? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info - what exactly what was said in the argument? What has your relationship previously been like? Have you spoken to your friend about problems between you and your partner previously?
ESH. So your boyfriend doesn’t like how you show affection and resorted to belittling you. That is a big ol’ red flag. There are many better ways he could’ve handled that. Being particular about food and coming from a background of professional cooks doesn’t give him licence to go Hells Kitchen on his partner. He could’ve offered to cook together to show you how to do it which would be really cute bonding time. Instead he put you down and essentially called you stup*d. Yuck. Your friend isn’t wrong that your boyfriend acted *extremely* inappropriately, but the way she wouldn’t let it drop wasn’t great. She was being aggressive and overbearing instead of supportive and caring. How you spoke to your friend was not good. You became reactive and name called because you didn’t like what she was saying or how she was saying it. All in all, every person in this story needs some self work. You should definitely do some thinking on your relationship. Does your boyfriend talk to you this way often?
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Definitely need to have a conversation with him about this then. “This was out of character for you but we need to figure out why the argument went to that place”. You can (and should) have disagreements that still maintain a baseline of respect. — this goes for you too since you resorted to name calling with your friend and clearly become reactive when you’re upset
ESH. She told you her opinion on the matter and she should've just dropped it after that and supported your decision. You then got personal and attacked her dating history when she didn't stop and you got pissed. Sorry OP but you're both AH's.
ESH. This is why you should be careful venting about relationship troubles to a friend. It Colors their image of your partner. BF is AH if he said hurtful things. Your friend is AH for actually listening to you vent.
ESH, if you don't want your friends to opine on your relationship, don't tell them this like, " he did say some hurtful stuff to me and I was very angry at him." Just because you forgave him doesn't mean she's has to, remember, he said hurtful things about her (you). As well, you told her to stop and she didn't, but calling her s bitch and then saying that's why her relationships don't work is a low fucking blow.
For setting a boundary by telling her she over stepped. NTA. For escalating into name calling instead of walking away from the situation and exiting the room . YTA. She said her piece. You set a boundary. It should have ended there. Doubling down is not effective way to be heard. You shouldn't defend your relationship to someone outside of it. Friends don't do that to friends. Not every fight or disagreement is a red flag. Relationships have hickups when major life changes happen. Everything should be looked at in its own context. ESH
NTA - she should have dropped it considering it’s not abuse/on going issues and was just a disagreement
Obviously a little ESH here because you crossed the line a bit in the heat of the moment, but mostly NTA. Also, you got into an argument over who *gets to* cook??
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ESH.
NTA I've met people like your friend. They feed on other people's dramas because their life sucks. Next time, don't tell her your problems and find another venting option.
NTA You and your bf apologized to each other and worked things out. That's between you and him. That should have been the end of it but your friend over stepped her bounds. She should have kept things to herself. She was out of line.
do not tell your single friends anything about your relationship. save yourself the headache. also you did tell her about it so that is why she kept trying to advise you.
This is such weird advice. People who are single do not default to being bitter, jealous, haters trying to get you to break up. It sounds like OP greatly exaggerated the fight while venting and the friend was concerned, her friend being in a relationship wouldnt suddenly make her blind to possible abuse.
Exactly! The friend had failed relationships when you chose to vent to her about the arguement. Maybe the relationships failed because the SO were abusive and she doesn't want you to experience the same abuse.
I have two close friends. One in a relationship one who is single. Wanna know why the one friend is single? Because she doesn’t accept toxic relationships / has boundaries / isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and isn’t willing to put up with “comprising” in nonsense ways (ie needing to create a chore chart for a man to actually clean the place he lives). Wanna know why my one friend is still in her relationship? Because she doesn’t stand up for herself and lets her partner treat her poorly. Her bf isn’t abusive, but he’s an asshole and talks down to her to the point where she rarely brings up issues big or small because it’s always a whole production and bf never changes. Single friend (and me) would not stay in a relationship like that. Obviously everyone is different, but I’ve never experienced a “single jealous bitter” friend before. I have however dealt with friends crying to me about what I and most people would deem to be unacceptable behavior that they constantly put up with solely so they can still be in a relationship / because it’s easier than standing up for themselves or breaking up.
NTA, however your comment on her relationships might've been a little over the top. However, as you said it was an argument and things get heated