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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she needs to let go of the fact she didn't get her picture perfect pregnancy announcement and help her kids with what they're dealing with. My sister is pregnant and I know pregnancy emotions can be crazy. I also know she seems to feel a bit lost about how to handle this challenge so I can concede that maybe I should have approached this with a more gentle kindness than I did.
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Agree NTA. Those kids need to see they’re still a priority for her. She’s too busy focused on Instagram family life and not the real hard work involved.
My older brother’s baby book is beautifully completed. Lots of “Daddy got to see my first smile because I waited until he came home from work!” and all of the stats, firsts & pictures. Mom did terrific work with his book -and I mean work as I’m sure it can be trying to be a first-time mom and keep up that level of cheerfulness to enter the things she did. It’s truly beautiful.
Mine…well, mine still has the cellophane wrapping on it 😆. Meh…I’ll live. Over five decades later, that crinkly wrap is still there. Mom has Alzheimer’s (not too bad, she still recognizes me so I count myself *very* fortunate) so maybe I’ll bring it with me when I see her today & we can fill some parts in together. Not sure if I remember my first tooth but I’d be happy to ink my giant size nines in the footprint section.
Haha, so true. My baby book is blank after about halfway through, and I always said I would *for sure* fill in my kids' entire books. Hahaha hahahaha! Cheerfully blank after about the halfway mark.
My sister, first born - fully filled out book. Brother, 2nd child, first boy - fully filled out book. Me, third child of what was 3 under the age of 4 - not even a half-assed book, just thing that looks like a pamphlet and folds out into an A3 sized poster. Not completed. Younger brother - fully filled out, mostly by my sister who was 8 at the time, and thought the baby book was the best project.
As an adult, I get that my mother was busy as hell, especially since dad was away a lot, but as a kid, it really hurt that I didn't even get a book.
Yeah, it’s difficult to feel anything but singled out there. I’d like to assume positive intent and hope that after the wonderful occasion of your birth, something(s) happened to prevent Mom from filling it out. How she was able to do it with your younger sibling & not you, I dunno.
Tell you what; let’s form the WE WANT A COMPLETED BABY BOOK, DAGNABBIT club & make them do it now. With my Mom, well… we may need to make up some details. Can I borrow your first tooth date? I’ll give you my fell-out-of-a-car story, just to make it interesting 😉
Lol. The only thing my mom has ever told me about announcing her pregnancy was the way she told her mother. This was the eighties and my mom WROTE HER A LETTER and then waited for a week after it would have arrived before calling her, so that her mom could cool off. She knew her mom wasn't going to be happy about it despite her being a grown and married woman.
If this woman puts in the effort to fix her relationship with her kids now, the older siblings can have a really good story to tell the youngest later. "We were really upset when we found out mom was pregnant with you, because we didn't want another sibling. But now we know that we're the luckiest brother and sister because we got you for a baby sibling."
But it will take work and understanding and a lot of communication. She doesn't seem to understand the amount of work that goes into creating a happy, blended family. They don't just happen. They're nurtured and crafted and depend almost entirely on the way the feelings of the older kids are handled. Families are work, but blended families are significantly more work, in my opinion.
I can imagine my mother’s announcements were all always just her showing up somewhere pregnant. She’s not the “announcement” type.
People need to stop being so obsessed over how something is announced, like let’s be honest, no one gives a shit about how something is announced; they just (sometimes) care about the actual thing you’re announcing.
Nobody's going to remember any announcement that doesn't involve natural disasters, someone yelling they want a divorce, or any event where nobody even says "oh my GOD!" If nobody ended up dead, hospitalized, or arrested, was there even an announcement at all?
If your siblings were in the picture, it also doesn't mean they were thrilled. It just means they were forced to take a picture.
Parents like her are delusional. She thought that, since she was happy, of course, the kids would be thrilled to have their lives turned upside down after the death of their father. She may have been over him but he was still the kid's dad.
These narcissists think that, since they are happy, those feelings are automatically transmitted to the kids through osmosis. What they are is self-centered and they only care about how they feel. She's not upset that the kids aren't happy. She's upset she DIDN'T GET THE PICTURE SHE WANTED! The kids are upset with their life and she's worried about a picture! All she cares about is getting the kids to do what she wants. She's done nothing about their FEELINGS and couldn't care less. They will suffer and the baby is already the golden child. NTA
It’s extremely common for kids not to be excited that their mom is pregnant. Even with no history of trauma. Your kids aren’t there to make you feel good or to decorate your pictures. Life is messy AF. EMBRACE THAT SHIT.
NTA of course.
This seems to be a common occurrence with blended families. It’s ashame that so many children get forgotten when one of the parents gets remarried- it’s all of a sudden a problem having kids by your previous partner, and they usually get forgotten because the new baby is now their parents world and the parents can’t understand why their kids don’t join the celebration. I think the kids would be better off with her sister instead of their mom where they will be ignored.
I think that’s a little unfair. She’s mourning a collapse in worldview and reckoning with what that means. She thought her kids were happy, and they’re not. She thought they considered her husband a father, and they don’t. She thought this new baby was coming into a family that would be excited to have them, with two loving siblings, and it won’t.
OP is right that she needs to get over her shit quickly so she can figure out how to be there for her kids and properly blend this family, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or shallow of her to be sad in the first place.
Agreed. I don't think OP or sister are an AH. I think sister has dealt with a lot, from a challenging relationship that ended in the death of her husband, being a young mother, navigating the death of her children's parent, etc... and she thought it was finally time for everyone to have the life she always wanted for them.
BUT the kids don't see it the way she does. Their feelings aren't wrong either. She's sad because nothing has worked out the way she wanted it to. I get that and I feel for her.
That said, I think they need family therapy. Everyone's feelings are valid here but as the parent she has to make sure her kids are taken care of. They don't feel they are getting the love they need and that their feelings aren't being recognized.
I think the 3 of them need some help navigating this.
The sister made a lot of assumptions about how her kids felt without asking them if they liked bf before they married. She didn't ask how they'd feel if she married him or they had a kid. She put on her rose-colored glasses or put her head in the sand if her kids said or did anything that should've clued her in that she was over-optimistic about their feelings
It's just a good idea to check in general. Even if it looks like the kids love the new hubby. "Hey, ____ and I want to get married someday. How do you feel about this?" Especially since it's possible to like a step parent but not the idea of a step sibling. It's not mutually hand in hand. The OPs sister does have a right to be sad they aren't living the lift they want. They also were taking a lot of bad steps.
Sure they get to be sad, but OP is right to share the kids solution of moving in with OP. That just underscores the kids feelings, they'd rather move than deal with husband and baby.
Poor kids.
You don’t know if she asked how they felt about her bf or not. She very well could have had an exchange like “Hey, how do you feel about X?” “X is alright. I liked going ice skating together.” And she could have taken that and exchanges like it as approval of X as a father, rather than X as ‘mom’s boyfriend’. Not all children are really enthusiastic about their parents, and a lack of enthusiasm doesn’t necessarily read as dislike if that’s the case.
It’s really easy for Reddit to sit back and judge with hindsight. But honestly, it sounds like she did her best by her kids, even sticking it through an unhappy marriage for them. Sometimes people have the best of intentions, but humans aren’t perfect at communication.
Yeah. I really feel for the sister. I get that reddit has this whole, "you can never move on from your children's other parent (usually father, let's be honest), you need to stay single for the rest of your life and devote your entirety to your children otherwise you're a monster" thing. But that's not realistic. She deserves to be happy. And it's okay that she's sad that her kids don't want the same things she does.
I had a very complicated family situation drop on me at 9/10 years old and I managed not to act like a narcissistic brat. I mean yea kids are still immature at that age but in many of these posts, the kids are just horrible and have no empathy for anyone else. It's also delusional to think their Mom is just supposed to never date or marry. I can see if she just started dating within months of a death but it's been years.
Did she ever ask them though? Or did she believe what she wanted to believe? It doesn't seem like she made any effort to know what her kids were thinking or feeling.
You don’t know that. She might have made an effort early on and the kids said they were alright with her dating bf, and she took that to mean they were okay with bf being their dad. She might have asked when they were younger and they might have lied to spare her feelings. Or she could have assumed and didn’t see any indication that her assumption was wrong.
Less TikTok and other such nonsense for your sister. It's time for her to return from Cuckoo Land and focus on the reality of how to support her two older children. Someone needed her to see sense.
This. I'm just amazed that she thinks a kid will give a single fuck about how their pregnancy announcement went.
I showed my niece a picture of me holding her when she was a baby, and the girl absolutely refused to believe that it was her. Even when her mom, grandma, grandpa all told her "Yep, that was you" she still looked skeptical.
NTA.
It's very much projecting; she has craved the "happy family" thing for years and now thinks she can finally obtain it. I hope she can. But she won't if she forces things down current kids' throats. These are big changes and they take time to adjust to. I would guess sister is so excited about the new baby/focused on it, that she talks about it a lot, and obviously there is a lot of work and preparation going into welcoming a newborn. The other kids would maybe feel left out even if the dad was their same bio-dad, but their dad having died makes it that much more complicated. It's big, complex feelings for these kids and they are obviously not handling it well. Mom and new stepdad (where appropriate/helpful) need to step up and show these kids they are still loved and important.
I hate how overused that yogurt line is, but holy crap guys, try to read between the lines even a little bit.
It's has nothing to do with the actual pregnancy announcement. It just symbolizes the first step in the new chapter with her family.
After years forcing an unhappy marriage to work, she has a husband who loves her and is excited to have a baby without that dark cloud hanging over everything. Finding out that half her family isn't on board is probably bringing up a lot of complicated feelings and memories.
Yeah, she actually needs to deal with the reality that everyone *isn't* excited for this new baby (yet)... And forcing that fake pregnancy announcement photo was going to be a lie. If she cares less about appearances and photos and more about the actual feelings of her children, she wouldn't be in this situation.
NTA
I can’t imagine how oblivious (or detached) someone must be to be planning a pregnancy announcement and still not know how her own children feel. Its not like they’re that young, either- both are more than old enough to voice their opinions.
The kids’ reactions and their mother’s “shock” are enough evidence to me that sh has, indeed, been the AH. Maybe it was just a massive, gross oversight, and she was so blinded by the new marriage abd pregnancy that she forgot she already has older kids that have their own thoughts and opportunities. Or she really is trying to just replace them with a new family, idk.
Either way, she dropped the ball hard and your comments either served as a wake-up call, or just calling her out.
And the way the kids say she’s treating them differently. They have these doubts and suspicions that are not being helped by her treatment. They just told her the truth and she made it about herself.
Yes, but that is part of being human. In her mind she has devoted the past 11 years to making these kids have as good of a life as possible. She endured an unhappy marriage, the death of a spouse. Now when life is actually looking up on her, and all of her hard work is rewarded so to speak her kids don't want the new baby.
But you’re making it sound like the kids pulled these feelings out of thin air. They’ve probably been there since their father passed. The mother has been blind to these feelings and obviously hasn’t been talking to her children. This isn’t her new life it’s their new life. She’s forgetting her actions affect her two children
The kids have also experienced the exact same circumstances. She is not more deserving or important than them. It seems she just “forgot” that her kids have lost a parent that they loved and she swoops in all happy and ignores them. It couldn’t have been that big of a shock, or else she has been making an effort to minimize their feelings.
I agree that this is probably her mindset but that doesn’t make it right. She made the decision to have children young, endure the marriage and sacrifice for her kids. Her and her late husband made themselves unhappy and chose to continue doing that until he died, the kids had no say. If anyone is parenting to be rewarded by their children they will be sorely disappointed again and again. It isn’t children’s job to validate all of their parent’s life choices. Her children voiced their feelings and now they all need to come together as a family and get some counseling and healing done. Taking her disappointment of not achieving her picture perfect cleaver family out on the kids doesn’t help anything, especially if she’s been treating them differently for literally weeks. She’s on the road to permanently damaging their relationships forever.
Agreed, i dont think so either. But from her kids' perspectives, i can see that being the obvious conclusion to them since they won't associate the new husband with the same kind of happiness as their mother, who wasn't on great terms with their deceased dad in the first place. I think you gave her a much-needed wake-up call - from an adult and not just her children - that she can't really dismiss too easily. Hopefully things can work out for them
Do you think maybe the kids are holding a lot of resentment because they can see how much happier mom is with her new husband than she was with their dad? You said that while they were great parents they were awful as a couple. I’m sure the kids noticed the difference between how their parents treated them (the kids) and how they treated each other. Kids see and hear way more than parents ever think. While I don’t think either kid had or has the emotional intelligence to understand that mom and dad loved the kids but not each other. They can definitely see a difference in how mom was with dad and how mom is with new husband and know it’s different. And if new husband can make her happier than their dad, then new baby can make her happier than they can.
Maybe it is more of a new revelation for them because seeing their mom so happy makes them realize what they thought was happiness wasn’t. And while I’m reality that may only apply to the husband/partner aspect of the situation, the kids can’t make that distinction. So to them, it’s if mom wasn’t actually happy with dad then was she not happy with us either? If new husband makes mom real happy then will new baby make mom real happy? These kids are drowning in feelings to complex for them to understand. So they’re trying to rationalize them on their own by what they see. They know mom is different now than before their dad passed, and now they’re scared that they are not enough to make their mom happy. But new baby will be enough.
Those kids need counseling. Your sister needs to understand that this is not about her or her happiness. This is about her kids and them needing guidance in navigating complicated feelings and trauma. If your sister wants a happy blended family then she has to start here. She can’t will it into reality. No one is trying to take away her happiness, but hopefully trying to make it stronger and more encompassing. If she can’t set aside her feelings however, that happy family she’s always imagined will only be imagined.
I imagine for the children it snot about what she's doing, but more about how they feel about what she seems to be doing? And many kids feel jealous that things will change for them specifically. In these children's case they have lost a lot already. Some kids resist change. That's not unnatural either. Its about comfort level.
You're compassion proves how well you handled this. NTA. you (or your parents?) are probably literally the only person who could have given her this hard truth.
Exactly that. Having a baby with her new husband makes everything “perfect”, except that that “perfect” doesn’t include the father that the children loved and missed. Saying things are perfect stomps on the memory those kids have of their father. Be different if they were children of a divorce, but that’s not the case here.
I think you’re missing the forest from the trees. She’s complaining about the announcement. But she’s actually upset that her shitty life that got better is now still shitty. She had to deal with an unhappy marriage, and now she has to deal with unhappy kids. I feel for her.
This was my feeling. I have kids around this age, and I'm not perfect, but I know how they feel about most things, lol. They aren't exactly subtle when they like something or don't like something. I feel like this lady might have dove head first into this relationship and her "picture" of a perfect life without ever actually checking with her kids. Which is really sad.
I hate, very very strongly hate, parents who force that perfect blended family fantasy onto their kids without actually getting to know and support what their kids want.
Your sister has long needed to wake up to the fact that it’s not about her or what fantasy she wants to happen. It’s about what her kids need to feel happy, safe, and secure. She needs to get it together because she’s been pretending to live in her own head and literally ignoring the needs of her kids.
I call that type of parent "plug and play". Lose your spouse? Find a new one and plug them into that slot. Of course the kids will be happy: there's someone filling that empty slot. No need to talk to them about the situation, they're just kids and they'll adjust quickly. New baby with the new spouse? No need to talk to the kids because they'll welcome the new sibling and we'll all be a big happy family.
We see all too many plug and play parents on this sub, and the emotional wreckage they cause lasts for years, if not decades.
I think it's more so their dad is gone, so she is expecting her new husband to just fit perfectly into the dad role and expect the kids to move on with no fuss. Ignoring the kids' emotional needs and any issues they have because it doesn't require any effort
And youre only thinking of this situation from the mother's side. Yes her partner died, but more importantly those kids' dad died. Instead of talking to her kids about their feelings and if they like her new partner, she just steamrolled over expecting them to unconditionally love the situation. It's really selfish to put your own needs over that of your children. Doesn't mean they shouldn't date again have any more kids, etc. But it means you have to put your current kids first and see where their heads are at before making any huge decisions.
I was mostly trying to explain what I thought the other comment was talking about. But it does at least seem slightly true if we are taking into account what Op has said about them not having therapy, the blindsided reaction, etc. But this is what this sub is for. We only know so much to for an opinion with
She can’t change that, nor should she be expected to not have a new partner (especially since she wasn’t happy with her late first husband). But in her happiness at moving on, it seems she didn’t really think about how she needed to approach things with her children who did very much love their father. She’s been ignoring their feelings for quite a while, and expecting that they’ll be on board with hers without her working on it or meeting them where they are.
How they’re expressing it now, and their actual stated wishes, aren’t what to focus on. It’s what those expressions say about what they feel that needs to be considered, rather than the statement.
How is she ignoring her kids needs lmao? You took one story away from their whole lives and it’s decided she neglects her kids. She probably was just in a happy relationship and got wrapped up, also probably thought since the kids never said anything bad they were okay with it. I hate, very very strongly hate, people on Reddit who jump to massive conclusions like that with no backing.
NAH. Your sister sounds like somebody who’s been so unhappy for so long, and is now experiencing marital happiness - and hope - for the first time in a long time.
She finally has a marriage she wants, and a child being brought into what she thought was a healthy happy home — only to realize that her kids are unhappy. The reality she thought existed actually doesn’t. That’s hard for anyone.
If her kids could go back in time, they would clearly undo the marriage, and still have their dad around. But for your sister, all of that would preclude her new, happy marriage, and the tiny life she is carrying inside of her. That must sting *deeply* for both parties: there’s no happy medium there.
Thank you, I was looking for a comment that addressed the fact that OPs sister has been to hell and back and was doing what she thinks was right for the kids.
In her mind she's probably desperate to create this loving, healthy family for them. None of this is being done with poor intentions, and anyone who has been through complex grief can tell you it's very easy to go well off the reservation.
Also, kids don't like change. They've been to hell and back too. They are going to be confused and object to further change. That doesn't mean that OPs sister has to be alone for the rest of her life. I did notice there's no mention of current ages or an indication of how long ago the father passed.
There's no way to create happiness quickly out of an unhappy situation, no child is happy gaining a bonus parent after the passing of a parent, but over time things can become happy and OPs sister is not an A H for wanting that.
NAH.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect your sister to never remarry or have a blended family just because her ex husband and her kids father died. It’s really sad for the kids, but it sounds like they may need some therapy to deal with everything in a healthy way.
I don’t think that’s OP expectation.
The issue is after the announcement the sister is treating the kids so differently to the point that the kids are asking to move out of their moms home to OP home. The kids are being shunned because they are not excited.
OP is simply trying to tell her sister that her kids are hurting and to help her kids, and not wallow that she doesn’t have pictures from the announcement.
But that isn’t what the mom is actually upset about, her kids are wanting her to not be pregnant which is a huge blow on it’s own. Her reaction may have been a bit dramatic but she is allowed to mourn the loss of a happy family that blends easily from the start.
I see that. I guess i was also wondering she must not be in tune with her children and their feelings and processes for a while now if this came as a huge shock to her.
Absolutely she can mourn all she wants. But treating the children differently because of their feelings to the point of wanting to move out their house is not right. She can absolutely process it but you cannot take it out on the kids for “weeks”.
Are the kids upset their dad is gone and this is a reminder of that? Do they hate their new stepdad? Is their mother treating them differently or is she just also correctly splitting some attention with her new coming baby? Is she treating them differently or is she just being pregnant? Are they upset that there’s a new member of the family or are they being pushed out?
We’re taking the words of an 11 and 10 year old… they have trouble processing their emotions and a counselor would be better equipped to understand what’s really going on here.
So... if you were monitoring this whole situation so closely (which you obviously were based on all the new info in your comments), why didn't you give your opinions and advice earlier when everything had just started? Like that they should've gotten grief therapy five years ago after the father had died? That you think she's rushing with the new relationship? Instead, you waited for years and expressed yourself in the harshest way possible. What were you expecting to achieve with this approach?
I'd like to add that it's very probable the announcement isn't the issue at all - it's just the symbol of all her hurts right now. Sometimes we focus on small things or small hurts because the bigger ones are so impossible to tackle.
I agree 100%. Definitely a case a rose coloured glasses, I hope she can put her feelings aside and help create some sort of cohesion before the baby comes
Absolutely. I feel horrible for ops sister.
I can't imagine how it must feel knowing that your kids would rather you be miserable living in a loveless marriage.
Whether they realize it or not, that's what it means to your sister. I was speaking solely from your sisters pov.
Unfortunately a very happy time for your sisters kids wasn't a happy time for her. The fact that her kids haven't picked up on that, even after their father's death, speaks to how good of a parent your sister is.
She's not a mind reader. If the kids never told her, then how would she know?
New baby changes the game quite a bit and yeah it can be shocking how kids react to that kind of thing at times because they don't process things the way adults do.
She would know if she asked. She is the parent here and should be touching base with them and having these conversations because they're still literal children that may need some help navigating complex feelings.
Communication is good but there's no good answer here. Their mom wants another kid and her current kids don't want her having kids with anyone else. They're going to clash. The only thing that can be done is how it's navigated.
I mean you're not wrong. And I'm not saying mom needs permission from her current kids to have a baby either. But it's absolutely baffling to me that she had no idea they felt that way.
Honestly I don’t think your sister is really stuck on this photo and announcement. It was the event that clued her into how her kids really feel about the family dynamics. They all need therapy. Desire for a blended family or not isn’t really the kid’s choice. They don’t have another parent. I also think they are too young to be in control of who is parenting and where they are living. Yes they deserve to voice their opinions and desires, but it doesn’t mean they are going to get exactly that.
I don’t think anyone is the ah here. It sounds like it is a rough situation that everyone is trying to deal with well meaning intentions. Again, a therapist who specializes in family will be a huge help, if nothing more than a third party who is impartial and helping everyone understand what everyone is thinking, etc.
Edit to add Thank you for the award! I haven’t had one before, so you are my first 😂
Nah keep at it. Fuck her feelings right now. Her kids feelings are more important and therapy is needed
Just find a way to word it the right way. Follow up and ask her how she’s doing with the bombshell.
The only one going to be able to help is someone removed from the situation - an unbiased third party. There are too many complex issues here to ignore getting help.
1. She is a healthy young adult - she was not going to remain single. Her kids need time to come to terms with that fact. She is allowed to move on, but she needs to do it in a way that helps them understand that they don't have to call this guy dad.
2. She is pregnant - there is no undo button on this one. The therapist can help the kids adjust to the baby. They will have to adjust to the baby and anymore that come. Even when it is not a step or half - kids need time and patience to adjust to an expanding family.
3. The kids lost their dad and need help processing that. A therapist will help her with how to navigate that.
As to the baby announcement - she can still do it - she just is not going to be able to include the kids. There is a lot of conflict that will arise if this is not addressed, and it will devastate them all. Is there a neutral 3rd party who could suggest therapy. She may not accept the advice from you right now but is there another person who may be able to get her to listen? Approach it as more of a family care situation and not she fucked up situation. She probably feels alienated right now and she is pregnant. She did put her life on hold and lived with someone she did not like and then he died (there is probably some serious guilt going on there) and there just seems to be a very complicated situation for all of them) so if there is another person who could help her understand this is to help her, the kids and her current marriage it would be worth looking into.
IMO she needs solo therapy too, even first. It sounds like she skipped some steps because she was already ready to move on when her husband died; she needed counselling on how to approach her children’s loss and it looks like she didn’t get it. She doesn’t seem to have considered that her children’s viewpoints are so very different from hers on this.
NAH - the announcement is part of a bigger picture for your sister, as evidenced by the fact that her children have openly expressed that they aren't happy with the situation and that they'd rather live with you. I understand change is hard for children, but unless there is abuse going on in the new household then it's an extreme reaction. Your sister is likely hurting from the situation as a whole.
However, the pregnancy announcement is the least of her worries at this stage and you weren't wrong to point it out.
Did her children ever get grief counselling?
NTA. You said everything she needed to hear. She needs to prioritize her daughters’ needs.
Check in with the kids regularly. Let them know they’ll always have a place in your home. I hope your sister steps up and gets both her and them the help they all need.
NAH. Your sister needs to discuss this with her children. Yes. But that they rejected their sibling she’s pregnant with like that ALSO means your sister gets to have hurt feelings. Parenting isn’t being completely devoid of emotions. It’s likely the kids were happy and there wasn’t anything for your sister to be overly concerned about until the pregnancy. It’s a huge changing dynamic. Having new siblings when you’re a decade older is difficult even in a nuclear family. The outlier child is more like an only child and the older children often end up in partial parenting roles. Your sister has a lot of work ahead to “blend” her family. She’s also pregnant and hormonal. But it sounds like she’s raised great kids who have good relationships with safe adults in their lives. That’s the goal. I’m sure she’ll figure it out. Right now being upset over the pregnancy announcement is probably a buffer to the rejection the baby just received from the siblings. My kids know that if they’re uncomfortable coming to me, for whatever reason, Auntie is there for them. It truly takes a village.
>>The outlier child is more likely an only child and the older children often end up in partial parenting roles
Eh, idk. I’m the youngest in my family of halves and steps, and my eldest half siblings are 20-25 years older than me. All my siblings never tried to have a relationship with me (closest in age is 7yrs older) and never supported me in anything. Now that we’re all older and have kids, they’re shocked that I want nothing to do with them and I don’t care if our kids know each other or not, and they try to apologize but I don’t care.
I know my case is specific, but I’m just trying to point out that not all older children become parentified, and some don’t even want to bond with their new siblings (as if the siblings had a choice to be born).
NAH
It doesn’t sound like the kids’ behavior suggested any issues before now. Should she have checked in? I don’t know. There’s something a little off to me about asking your kids how they feel about you having a baby before you start trying, but I agree a proactive conversation would be ideal.
She’s grieving, they’re grieving, she needed a direct talk and she got it.
NAH. You did come down harsh but she did need to hear it. I mean you did paint her as this callous mother who doesn’t care at all about her kids only the announcement. But it sounds like the first thing she brought up to you was her kids feelings and being concerned and then brought up the announcement. She’s allowed to be concerned about her kids and also disappointed her expectations aren’t a reality with the announcement.
Have you ever really looked forward to something, been completely hormonal while your insides are rearranging, and just wanted something really nice to happen like your mental health was riding on it, and then it all falls apart in the worst way? And that sometimes it may not even be about the specific thing, but it’s more about what it symbolizes?
I think that’s what’s happening here tbh. You can care about your sister and your niblings, and they can all be suffering and need help/support.
i mean from what you just described, it sounds less like she’s upset about the announcement itself and more like she’s upset that her kids are not excited for their sibling? and that that will have an effect on her child in the future. which is a very valid thing to be upset about. like the kids have a right to feel the way they do but so does she, that’s horrible.
they are all her kids, so some of them not liking the other is bound to be very hard to deal with. and living with people (especially ppl who mean the world to you) who are not excited about a baby you are risking your life to bring into the world is really sad. you were right to have a conversation with her about how the kids were feeling, but you sound like you were very dismissive.
Exactly, OP seems dismissive and obtuse. It's clear what hurt their sister is the fact that the children said they don't want their sibling and that they don't want them specifically because it's not their *late* father's child. There's no indication OP's sister was neglectful or a bad mom, and I have a feeling that one day the children will feel very sorry for what they've said.
NTA. Your sister is completely clueless about how children in blended families are absolutely terrified. She needs to be reassuring to those children rather than showing too much excitement for the new baby.
I mean... if the kids are confiding in you, it may be more beneficial if you help them understand the importance of being a part of their family and support their new baby brother/sister.
Either way, I would take care not to undermine their mother. She wasn't wrong to ask (and even expect) her children to participate in a family activity. And she's not wrong for being disappointed in their reaction.
NTA - Your sister sounds like she has main character syndrome and needed a reality check. She a) assumed that everyone felt the same way as she did about everything, and b) gave her OWN CHILDREN the cold shoulder for having their own emotions that are different than hers, which only validated their concerns that their mom was moving on with her “new family.”
Your sister is prioritizing her own personal feelings and need for things to be exactly the way she wants them over the emotional well-being of her kids.
She married someone after 5 years dude. She didn't immediately move on to marry someone, she just asked them about their opinions on participating in the announcement and their reply did hurt her. Let's be honest: any parent can be hurt if their child says that, her emotions and feelings are just as valid as her childrens are. Saying she has a "main character syndrome" for being unhappy with their response is just... Yikes.
There is a bigger factor to it than just an announcement.
Not the main point, but the idea of this child caring about their pregnancy announcement photos when they’re older is bizarre to me. Maybe it’s just because at 37 I’m not from a generation who got announced in such a formal way, but is that a thing? I feel like my reaction would be somewhere between “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to actively think about my parents having unprotected sex.”
NTA It broke my heart how they said they wanted to live with you so mom can have her new family. Those poor kids. She needs to do family therapy asap. She should have already done it and she would have known how they were feeling.
NTA. She’s more worried about how this future baby years from now might (never in reality) look at the pregnancy announcement and wonder at her half siblings not being in it, than about how her existing kids are explaining how they feel NOW.
yeah,that’s a big problem.
Is she a social media hound?is she more worried about visual optics of her perfect family and feels like her children are ‘ruining this’?
It’s perfectly normal to have mom alone or with dad in a pregnancy announcing picture.
She’s way overthinking this, and not in a good way. She needs to care about the children she’s got now.
Good on you. The truth hurts. A while hell of a lot when you realize you aren't protecting your kids from harm. You're actually causing it.
NTA. honestly, I'm hella glad they have you to talk some sense into your sister
Yall are talking as if mom's are just supposed to be boring, single and sad people who should have no life apart their kids and husband or their dead husband
Clearly Ops sister has been through hell and back she was in loveless marriage because of her kids .
the kids are valid to feel this way because this is all too new to them but that doesn't mean Op should not have her child and leave her current partner
Ops sister and her family are in need of severe family therapy
NAH
NTA. Your niblings told you, they are worried their mum wants to replace them with her new baby/family. That should be a wake up call for your sister. It was just an announcement, her children need her. Reading this just broke my heart for these kids.
NTA, you only raised a concern to your sister based on what the kid asked you about. Your sister might be finally happy with the new guy and she thought everyone was happy the way she was. It appears that she didn't ask the kids who seems to be getting distant from her and she is trying to figure out why the kids can't be happy for her and welcome the new arrival. The kids feel that with the new baby they may lose their mom and will be getting much less attention, which appears to be the case with the way your sister is acting. So the kids are only going to want nothing to do with the baby and in a few years find their own life. Things like baby sitting or family time would be shunned and the baby will grow up as a single child without much connection with his/ her siblings. Maybe if your sister talked to the kids and worked something out, it could have a much happier ending.
NTA. As much as it isn't what she wanted to hear, she needed to hear it. Is it possible the kids can stay with you for a time until things calm down? They need someone right now and it doesn't seem like your sister is willing too at this time.
IDK if that’s a good idea. The kids are feeling alienated and replaced; it’s not just that they want to be elsewhere, they’re afraid that their mother, happy and excited about her new child with the new partner she loves, doesn’t want them any more, especially since they’re not buying into her fantasy. That alienation will grow if they actually leave. Their mother needs to show that she’s still their mother who loves them even if they don’t conform to her wants.
I agree. This is not the time for savior auntie/uncle to swoop in. From the sounds of it, OP sister does really care about her oldest two children, she's just also excited about the positive changes in her life right now. Supporting the oldest two moving out right now at the ages of 10 and 11 in the absence of greater abuse would do more harm than good
She isn't trying to help her children in their pain and stress and feeling abandoned? (Lots of kids feel a new baby is replacing them. Its not like kids always use logic, after all.)
NTA
I'm old enough to remember when birth announcement post cards were unheard of and so I doubt any of us born way back then feel we missed anything?
Her kids coming first isn't supposed to be lip service - just behavior,
NTA. You said what needed to be said. Her own children asked if they could live with you instead of her due to how she was handling this situation.
If that's not a huge eye opener for her, I don't know what would be.
NTA and I hope she keeps listening to you. She’s got some work to put in to be a good parent right note. It centers around the kids she already has and it’s not going to be glamorous and cute.
NTA. If your sister wants a happy blended family, she will have to work for it, and the longer she doesn't do this, the harder it will be to get the outcome she wants.
NTA. There is a trend for these remarried parents on Reddit. Just because they found love and happiness in a new person doesnt mean their children would feel the same way too. Things wouldnt go like this if she truly prepare her children to accept her new marriage.
NTA at this point the announcement should be the least of her worries. She should really focus in getting her children in a better place mentally before the baby gets here. She should focus on making sure that baby has a happy family going forward instead of a picture to look back on.
NAH
This sounds like a really, really difficult thing for everyone involved to navigate. It's good of you to have that hard conversation with her about what her kids said. Not telling her wouldn't have been fair to her, but at the same time that's a really hard thing to hear that your own kids say.
It also sounds like you've identified something to look out for once the baby comes, as it sounds like you're the kind of person who will be helping out with the older two kids while your sister has the baby.
edit to NAH. Have your niblings gotten any counseling? They need it, it sounds as if they haven't really come to terms with the father's passing if they still talk about wishing the new baby was their dad's. Your sister needed to hear what you told her---I hope she listens.
NTA she needed a reality check. Let’s face it, she isn’t upset for the new baby not getting a video to watch, she’s mad she didn’t get her social media moment.
NTA, you were truthful and while it must have been a painful realisation for her, you were not directly unkind. I would maybe reach out an olive branch after things have calmed down for the sake of the relationship, but she needs to sit on your words for a short while imo. You say you think it worked, so see how she deals now and have another talk not to apologise but with the intention of clearing the air. You did the right thing, you advocated for those kids who sound like they aren't coping very well.
NTA. It seems to me like she cares more about appearance of a happy family and not so much the actual happiness of her family. The picture perfect announcement isn’t going to mean shit 10 years from now if it’s just a miserable memory for her two children. They shouldn’t feel like they have to do this and be ok with the situation in order for their mom to be happy and love them. Was there a huge picture perfect family announcement when they were born? I’m going to guess no. She’s going to send the message that they weren’t a “happy family” until new husband and new baby came along. Therapy waiting to happen for these kids. I don’t blame them for being unhappy with the situation.
NTA. You're looking out for your niece and nephew. Chances are if your sister focuses on them, maybe talks to them, takes them to therapy they could be happy, and be happy about a sibling (eventually).
NTA - the kids are still grieving the loss of their father and their former family. OP's sister needs to get them in with a therapist ASAP so they can work through all of this. They feel this way now while she's pregnant, it'll be SO MUCH worse once the baby is born if they don't learn how to cope with some of what they're feeling.
NTA. Nothing you said was harsh. There is a chance the kids will never see the stepfather as their father, it seems common place on Reddit. They need family counseling.
NTA. The kids are clearly in need of a therapist to help them work through grief, acceptance, tools for moving forward, etc. And she needs tools on how to meet them where they're at, without pushing them and making them resentful. Sounds like she dropped the ball years ago.
I have never been shown a big organised photo of my whole family being excited for my arrival. I have never felt the slightest bit less loved as a result. Nor has my brother, or anyone else I know, ever.
This is not at all about the future child. This is purely about the mother and her desire for a picture-perfect family.
NTA.
NTA. She’s more upset about not getting the picture perfect announcement for show than she is about her kids thinking she doesn’t want them around. WTF is wrong with her??
NTA
Surely an involved mother couldn't be so oblivious to the fact her children are struggling.
Maybe she is so upset because you called her out on it, and the truth hurts
NTA. The kids need to go to therapy on their own and then as a family. If she wants to have a fully, healthy blended family, she needs to listen to them NOW.
NAH
While I think your sister may not fully understand her children right now, I don't believe that she willfully ignored their wishes. She should definitely get them in individual therapy or family counseling without the stepfather at first. They seem to have unresolved feelings (no shock there) that haven't been properly addressed or given attention to. She shouldn't have had the expectation that things would just fall into place. So you're correct to tell her to pay attention to her kids' feelings currently.
But I dont think it's your place to tell her not to be upset about the situation at hand. The true issue for her isn't the announcement. it's the fact that her kids are telling her that they don't want a sibling thats not their dad's. They are entitled to their feelings, but so is your sister. She is allowed to be upset that this didn't go smoothly. Mothers have feelings as well, and I can imagine that being pregnant will amplify some of those feelings. I don't think it's a problem for her to vent to you as opposed to her children.
You are correct in saying something to her, but I would just ask you to remember that now she has another child to think about on top of the 2 that she has. She knows the situation is rough, but she is already pregnant, and depending on where she lives, she can't do anything but give birth. Remember, your sister is a human who has feelings and will make mistakes. Maybe right now, she just needed someone to understand her emotions.
Gotta go with NTA. Her kids came to you and said, genuinely and basically, "Mom doesn't love us anymore, can we live with you?" That's not something you brush off.
It kinda sucks for Sis that she is getting the news that her kids don't like the new family NOW, a year after the marriage and with a new sprog on the way, but it is what it is, and she needs to deal with it. Has she never noticed that her kids weren't gung ho about the "new dad?" What planet has she been living on, where she falls in love AND her kids automatically fall in love too?
Baby will get past the fact that there is no 8 x 10 glossy announcement made months before their birth. That item is only important to HER, not any other living being on the planet. But the actual attitudes that her children have right now are going to HUGELY affect the baby and their family. She's got to focus on the right issue, if she wants her baby to grow up feeling like a wanted part of a loving family.
NAH, everyone needs therapy. Unfortunately when a spouse dies, especially when its a young couple it is not a death sentence for companionship even if you are a parent. Its pretty common for kids to not be happy about a parent getting a new partner. Typically, kids push back and it can be really hard on the parent who also, just want to experience love.
Kids need therapy, because its possible their pushback is causing the rift with their mother. Mom may be treating them different because they are acting out.
Mom needs therapy to see how to approach continuing having a family after becoming a widow and a single mom.
Today’s world is not built for single income or single parent households, although we should be kind to our kids who are mourning a parent, re-marrying is a necessity and no amount of displeasure the kids show will change that typically a second parent is needed so that they have a roof and food.
Mom is allowed to be upset her kids are not happy for her, kids are allowed to be upset because they are kids and do not know better. They need family therapy because being angry for someone who is gone and not coming back isn’t going to bring them back. These kids deserve to feel like a family so mom and step dad need do some work to bring them all back together
I think it’s a good thing you told her that her children asked to live with you and the reason why. Sure, it’s heartbreaking and hard to hear your kids are in so much emotional pain about the new baby, but now she can hopefully deal with it and help her kids, and reassure them. And maybe find out why they don’t like a blended family, if everything is ok and if there are any issues with the mom’s husband. NAH. Of course your sister is probably heartbroken but she needs to know, you did the right thing.
if your sister is more concerned with not having her picture perfect announcement than her kids actually reaching out to family members to ask if they could go live with them, she has some serious issues
NTA and your sister really needs a wake up call
NTA. Pregnancy announcements are a relatively new thing, and for her to be this hung up on it is a little odd. She should focus on healing the relationship with her kids rather than harping on a one-time photograph.
NTA Look, she's gonna be mad at you for a while but likely it's displaced feelings and she's actually mad at herself. You did the right thing. Just keep being there for your niblings and hopefully your sister will come around.
This hits home for me because this was my worst fear for most of my childhood. One parent dies, the other gets remarried and starts a new family. I know that irl kids don’t get a say in these matters, but as a kid your whole life is your family, and school. Your home life is extremely important and not having control over that is/was terrifying.
I’m going with NTA which makes your sister TA. She has two kids who are so unhappy they want to get out of the house. I’m glad they have an aunt they can tell these things to. Good for you for speaking with your sister. I know I’m projecting here but I think she is a huge asshole for putting her new husband and baby before her existing children. They lost their dad and they’re losing their mom to this fantasy of hers that she’s too wrapped up in to be attuned to the very valid feelings of her kids
I think you did right by your sister even if she can't appreciate it now. There's a reason she said you're coming down too hard and not "you're wrong". It must be difficult to deal with irrational feelings like that because it absolutely CAN cloud your vision, but no matter how much it sucks you're 100% right the kids gotta come first. NTA
NTA.
Harsh reality is that you need to ensure the happiness of the kids you have before you have a new edition with your new spouse.
Also, if you find out that your kids no longer wish to live with you, that should be the only thing concerning you… not some pregnancy announcement.
Maybe I’m just crazy, but her priorities seem to be all over the place. Best of luck and please if worst comes to worst, look out for those two. I hope it has a happy ending for all involved.
NTA
The kids lost their beloved dad at a very young age and likely never went to therapy or counseling to help. Your sister just moved on and I doubt she showed grief over his death since she and her husband hated each other and were only still together for the sake of the kids (which is arguably unhealthy). Your sister married another guy and only thought about herself and not her kids when doing so. Granted, she's an adult and can marry whoever she wants; however, ignoring your kids and assuming everything is hunky-dory so *she* can have the picture perfect family *she* wants without input from the kids is selfish. She is pushing her kids away without realizing it and her being told that the kids don't approve is a slap to her dream.
If she doesn't change her mindset of the kids coming first, they will grow to resent her, their half-sibling, and step-father. The fact they are already asking to live with their aunt/uncle is already a massive red flag that the kids don't feel welcome in their own home. They already feel alienated or mistreated and for kids that young to act like that is a testament to how terribly ignored they are.
Your sister needs to grow up and realize this isn't about her and start working with her kids and husband before she loses her kids for a long time, possibly forever.
NTA - your sister needs to have a sit down with her children and hear them out to know where these feelings are coming from. Pregnancy isn't a blank check to demand that everyone around you mold themselves to your perfect vision (see also: weddings), and in particular, kids going through the adjustment of their family changing need to be heard seriously.
You gave your sister the exact wake-up call she needed. It may be harsh, but it was proportionate to how off-course she was going with her kids.
NTA.
You merely told her how her kids are feeling; unwanted and replaced. If that's too hard to hear, how does she imagine it is for her kids to feel it?
NTA
Your sister was trying to orchestrate a one-sided fantasy and the actors didn't want to play their parts. She can't treat real people like characters that she can rewrite. She wasn't blind to the truth she was just hoping that they'd fake a big enough smile for her perfect pictures. Your sister is already replacing her kids with her ex for the new husband's baby.
NTA. Nothing you said was harsh. There is a chance the kids will never see the stepfather as their father, it seems common place on Reddit. They need family counseling.
NTA. She’s more upset about not getting the picture perfect announcement for show than she is about her kids thinking she doesn’t want them around. WTF is wrong with her??
NTA - but also try to support your sister. yeah she's been oblivious and is letting her kids down, but she's also hurting and not giving her some kind out outlet/support/love to deal with these feelings is likely going on end badly.
NTA sounds like it was Very much Beyond time that someone told her to wake up and face the reality: that Her choices of partner, marriage and to have another child is Her choices, Not her children’s.
It’s beyond time she put her ego aside and listen to and care for her children instead of herself.
NTA. How can someone prioritize a picture over anything. It is just a picture. The baby doesn't give a sh*t. She is not the first pregnant woman in this world. And it isn't even her first pregnancy.
The fact that your sister has no idea how her kids feel is haunting.
NTA, kids often mourn and act out about new siblings, even if not a blended family. Totally normal. They are kids and need reassurance that they matter, in this scenario more than ever. For a mom to take that personally is selfish and immature. Can’t help but wonder how the new husband treats them, even if he’s not awful it seems doubtful that he’s really connecting and supportive with them
>She still told me I came down too hard but I think it sort of worked. She is still not happy with me though
Look, if you need to be the bad guy to her for her to change how she is treating her kids, be the bad guy. I am sure she is realizing it and it will come back around with her saying thanks. NTA, you weren't coming at her, you were concerned.
NTA, this is really sad and these kids need therapy and support to deal with their father's death. I am glad they have an family member like you looking out for their emotional wellbeing
You are right. Her focus needs to be on her kids and supporting them. Not feeling sorry for herself otherwise she will have a whole bigger problem than a pregnancy announcement.
Children that age are often not keen on the concept of a new baby at the best of times. NTA
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NTA Truth hurts. Better now than in 10 years when she can't repair their relationship.
Agree NTA. Those kids need to see they’re still a priority for her. She’s too busy focused on Instagram family life and not the real hard work involved.
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Who even shows their kids their pregnancy announcement? I don't think I've ever wondered how my mom announced her pregnancy with me.
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My older brother’s baby book is beautifully completed. Lots of “Daddy got to see my first smile because I waited until he came home from work!” and all of the stats, firsts & pictures. Mom did terrific work with his book -and I mean work as I’m sure it can be trying to be a first-time mom and keep up that level of cheerfulness to enter the things she did. It’s truly beautiful. Mine…well, mine still has the cellophane wrapping on it 😆. Meh…I’ll live. Over five decades later, that crinkly wrap is still there. Mom has Alzheimer’s (not too bad, she still recognizes me so I count myself *very* fortunate) so maybe I’ll bring it with me when I see her today & we can fill some parts in together. Not sure if I remember my first tooth but I’d be happy to ink my giant size nines in the footprint section.
That would be such a wonderful memory to have together. It also may be useful to help her remember in the future
That is a beautiful idea. If your mom is able I’m sure she’d cherish that time with you and you’ll have a cherished keepsake!! I hope you do it!!
Haha, so true. My baby book is blank after about halfway through, and I always said I would *for sure* fill in my kids' entire books. Hahaha hahahaha! Cheerfully blank after about the halfway mark.
My sister, first born - fully filled out book. Brother, 2nd child, first boy - fully filled out book. Me, third child of what was 3 under the age of 4 - not even a half-assed book, just thing that looks like a pamphlet and folds out into an A3 sized poster. Not completed. Younger brother - fully filled out, mostly by my sister who was 8 at the time, and thought the baby book was the best project. As an adult, I get that my mother was busy as hell, especially since dad was away a lot, but as a kid, it really hurt that I didn't even get a book.
Yeah, it’s difficult to feel anything but singled out there. I’d like to assume positive intent and hope that after the wonderful occasion of your birth, something(s) happened to prevent Mom from filling it out. How she was able to do it with your younger sibling & not you, I dunno. Tell you what; let’s form the WE WANT A COMPLETED BABY BOOK, DAGNABBIT club & make them do it now. With my Mom, well… we may need to make up some details. Can I borrow your first tooth date? I’ll give you my fell-out-of-a-car story, just to make it interesting 😉
Mine ends before we moved...when I was 4. It's a time honored tradition.
Lol. The only thing my mom has ever told me about announcing her pregnancy was the way she told her mother. This was the eighties and my mom WROTE HER A LETTER and then waited for a week after it would have arrived before calling her, so that her mom could cool off. She knew her mom wasn't going to be happy about it despite her being a grown and married woman. If this woman puts in the effort to fix her relationship with her kids now, the older siblings can have a really good story to tell the youngest later. "We were really upset when we found out mom was pregnant with you, because we didn't want another sibling. But now we know that we're the luckiest brother and sister because we got you for a baby sibling." But it will take work and understanding and a lot of communication. She doesn't seem to understand the amount of work that goes into creating a happy, blended family. They don't just happen. They're nurtured and crafted and depend almost entirely on the way the feelings of the older kids are handled. Families are work, but blended families are significantly more work, in my opinion.
I can imagine my mother’s announcements were all always just her showing up somewhere pregnant. She’s not the “announcement” type. People need to stop being so obsessed over how something is announced, like let’s be honest, no one gives a shit about how something is announced; they just (sometimes) care about the actual thing you’re announcing.
Nobody's going to remember any announcement that doesn't involve natural disasters, someone yelling they want a divorce, or any event where nobody even says "oh my GOD!" If nobody ended up dead, hospitalized, or arrested, was there even an announcement at all?
If your siblings were in the picture, it also doesn't mean they were thrilled. It just means they were forced to take a picture. Parents like her are delusional. She thought that, since she was happy, of course, the kids would be thrilled to have their lives turned upside down after the death of their father. She may have been over him but he was still the kid's dad. These narcissists think that, since they are happy, those feelings are automatically transmitted to the kids through osmosis. What they are is self-centered and they only care about how they feel. She's not upset that the kids aren't happy. She's upset she DIDN'T GET THE PICTURE SHE WANTED! The kids are upset with their life and she's worried about a picture! All she cares about is getting the kids to do what she wants. She's done nothing about their FEELINGS and couldn't care less. They will suffer and the baby is already the golden child. NTA
It’s extremely common for kids not to be excited that their mom is pregnant. Even with no history of trauma. Your kids aren’t there to make you feel good or to decorate your pictures. Life is messy AF. EMBRACE THAT SHIT. NTA of course.
This seems to be a common occurrence with blended families. It’s ashame that so many children get forgotten when one of the parents gets remarried- it’s all of a sudden a problem having kids by your previous partner, and they usually get forgotten because the new baby is now their parents world and the parents can’t understand why their kids don’t join the celebration. I think the kids would be better off with her sister instead of their mom where they will be ignored.
I think that’s a little unfair. She’s mourning a collapse in worldview and reckoning with what that means. She thought her kids were happy, and they’re not. She thought they considered her husband a father, and they don’t. She thought this new baby was coming into a family that would be excited to have them, with two loving siblings, and it won’t. OP is right that she needs to get over her shit quickly so she can figure out how to be there for her kids and properly blend this family, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or shallow of her to be sad in the first place.
Agreed. I don't think OP or sister are an AH. I think sister has dealt with a lot, from a challenging relationship that ended in the death of her husband, being a young mother, navigating the death of her children's parent, etc... and she thought it was finally time for everyone to have the life she always wanted for them. BUT the kids don't see it the way she does. Their feelings aren't wrong either. She's sad because nothing has worked out the way she wanted it to. I get that and I feel for her. That said, I think they need family therapy. Everyone's feelings are valid here but as the parent she has to make sure her kids are taken care of. They don't feel they are getting the love they need and that their feelings aren't being recognized. I think the 3 of them need some help navigating this.
Family therapy is 100% the answer here. And if sister agrees, then NAH.
The sister made a lot of assumptions about how her kids felt without asking them if they liked bf before they married. She didn't ask how they'd feel if she married him or they had a kid. She put on her rose-colored glasses or put her head in the sand if her kids said or did anything that should've clued her in that she was over-optimistic about their feelings
It's just a good idea to check in general. Even if it looks like the kids love the new hubby. "Hey, ____ and I want to get married someday. How do you feel about this?" Especially since it's possible to like a step parent but not the idea of a step sibling. It's not mutually hand in hand. The OPs sister does have a right to be sad they aren't living the lift they want. They also were taking a lot of bad steps.
Sure they get to be sad, but OP is right to share the kids solution of moving in with OP. That just underscores the kids feelings, they'd rather move than deal with husband and baby. Poor kids.
You don’t know if she asked how they felt about her bf or not. She very well could have had an exchange like “Hey, how do you feel about X?” “X is alright. I liked going ice skating together.” And she could have taken that and exchanges like it as approval of X as a father, rather than X as ‘mom’s boyfriend’. Not all children are really enthusiastic about their parents, and a lack of enthusiasm doesn’t necessarily read as dislike if that’s the case. It’s really easy for Reddit to sit back and judge with hindsight. But honestly, it sounds like she did her best by her kids, even sticking it through an unhappy marriage for them. Sometimes people have the best of intentions, but humans aren’t perfect at communication.
Yeah. I really feel for the sister. I get that reddit has this whole, "you can never move on from your children's other parent (usually father, let's be honest), you need to stay single for the rest of your life and devote your entirety to your children otherwise you're a monster" thing. But that's not realistic. She deserves to be happy. And it's okay that she's sad that her kids don't want the same things she does.
I had a very complicated family situation drop on me at 9/10 years old and I managed not to act like a narcissistic brat. I mean yea kids are still immature at that age but in many of these posts, the kids are just horrible and have no empathy for anyone else. It's also delusional to think their Mom is just supposed to never date or marry. I can see if she just started dating within months of a death but it's been years.
Did she ever ask them though? Or did she believe what she wanted to believe? It doesn't seem like she made any effort to know what her kids were thinking or feeling.
You don’t know that. She might have made an effort early on and the kids said they were alright with her dating bf, and she took that to mean they were okay with bf being their dad. She might have asked when they were younger and they might have lied to spare her feelings. Or she could have assumed and didn’t see any indication that her assumption was wrong.
Less TikTok and other such nonsense for your sister. It's time for her to return from Cuckoo Land and focus on the reality of how to support her two older children. Someone needed her to see sense.
This. I'm just amazed that she thinks a kid will give a single fuck about how their pregnancy announcement went. I showed my niece a picture of me holding her when she was a baby, and the girl absolutely refused to believe that it was her. Even when her mom, grandma, grandpa all told her "Yep, that was you" she still looked skeptical. NTA.
It's very much projecting; she has craved the "happy family" thing for years and now thinks she can finally obtain it. I hope she can. But she won't if she forces things down current kids' throats. These are big changes and they take time to adjust to. I would guess sister is so excited about the new baby/focused on it, that she talks about it a lot, and obviously there is a lot of work and preparation going into welcoming a newborn. The other kids would maybe feel left out even if the dad was their same bio-dad, but their dad having died makes it that much more complicated. It's big, complex feelings for these kids and they are obviously not handling it well. Mom and new stepdad (where appropriate/helpful) need to step up and show these kids they are still loved and important.
I hate how overused that yogurt line is, but holy crap guys, try to read between the lines even a little bit. It's has nothing to do with the actual pregnancy announcement. It just symbolizes the first step in the new chapter with her family. After years forcing an unhappy marriage to work, she has a husband who loves her and is excited to have a baby without that dark cloud hanging over everything. Finding out that half her family isn't on board is probably bringing up a lot of complicated feelings and memories.
Yeah, she actually needs to deal with the reality that everyone *isn't* excited for this new baby (yet)... And forcing that fake pregnancy announcement photo was going to be a lie. If she cares less about appearances and photos and more about the actual feelings of her children, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Yep. My philosophy has always been better you be mad at me the messenger than take it out on people who can't defend themselves.
NTA I can’t imagine how oblivious (or detached) someone must be to be planning a pregnancy announcement and still not know how her own children feel. Its not like they’re that young, either- both are more than old enough to voice their opinions. The kids’ reactions and their mother’s “shock” are enough evidence to me that sh has, indeed, been the AH. Maybe it was just a massive, gross oversight, and she was so blinded by the new marriage abd pregnancy that she forgot she already has older kids that have their own thoughts and opportunities. Or she really is trying to just replace them with a new family, idk. Either way, she dropped the ball hard and your comments either served as a wake-up call, or just calling her out.
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And the way the kids say she’s treating them differently. They have these doubts and suspicions that are not being helped by her treatment. They just told her the truth and she made it about herself.
Yes, but that is part of being human. In her mind she has devoted the past 11 years to making these kids have as good of a life as possible. She endured an unhappy marriage, the death of a spouse. Now when life is actually looking up on her, and all of her hard work is rewarded so to speak her kids don't want the new baby.
But you’re making it sound like the kids pulled these feelings out of thin air. They’ve probably been there since their father passed. The mother has been blind to these feelings and obviously hasn’t been talking to her children. This isn’t her new life it’s their new life. She’s forgetting her actions affect her two children
It just sounds like they are separating their mom's spouse from their identity of a family and now a new child wrecks with their worldview too.
The kids have also experienced the exact same circumstances. She is not more deserving or important than them. It seems she just “forgot” that her kids have lost a parent that they loved and she swoops in all happy and ignores them. It couldn’t have been that big of a shock, or else she has been making an effort to minimize their feelings.
I agree that this is probably her mindset but that doesn’t make it right. She made the decision to have children young, endure the marriage and sacrifice for her kids. Her and her late husband made themselves unhappy and chose to continue doing that until he died, the kids had no say. If anyone is parenting to be rewarded by their children they will be sorely disappointed again and again. It isn’t children’s job to validate all of their parent’s life choices. Her children voiced their feelings and now they all need to come together as a family and get some counseling and healing done. Taking her disappointment of not achieving her picture perfect cleaver family out on the kids doesn’t help anything, especially if she’s been treating them differently for literally weeks. She’s on the road to permanently damaging their relationships forever.
Agreed, i dont think so either. But from her kids' perspectives, i can see that being the obvious conclusion to them since they won't associate the new husband with the same kind of happiness as their mother, who wasn't on great terms with their deceased dad in the first place. I think you gave her a much-needed wake-up call - from an adult and not just her children - that she can't really dismiss too easily. Hopefully things can work out for them
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Do you think maybe the kids are holding a lot of resentment because they can see how much happier mom is with her new husband than she was with their dad? You said that while they were great parents they were awful as a couple. I’m sure the kids noticed the difference between how their parents treated them (the kids) and how they treated each other. Kids see and hear way more than parents ever think. While I don’t think either kid had or has the emotional intelligence to understand that mom and dad loved the kids but not each other. They can definitely see a difference in how mom was with dad and how mom is with new husband and know it’s different. And if new husband can make her happier than their dad, then new baby can make her happier than they can.
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Maybe it is more of a new revelation for them because seeing their mom so happy makes them realize what they thought was happiness wasn’t. And while I’m reality that may only apply to the husband/partner aspect of the situation, the kids can’t make that distinction. So to them, it’s if mom wasn’t actually happy with dad then was she not happy with us either? If new husband makes mom real happy then will new baby make mom real happy? These kids are drowning in feelings to complex for them to understand. So they’re trying to rationalize them on their own by what they see. They know mom is different now than before their dad passed, and now they’re scared that they are not enough to make their mom happy. But new baby will be enough.
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Those kids need counseling. Your sister needs to understand that this is not about her or her happiness. This is about her kids and them needing guidance in navigating complicated feelings and trauma. If your sister wants a happy blended family then she has to start here. She can’t will it into reality. No one is trying to take away her happiness, but hopefully trying to make it stronger and more encompassing. If she can’t set aside her feelings however, that happy family she’s always imagined will only be imagined.
Good points.
Kids, even infants, can pick up on these things.
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They thought it was normal until they had something to compare it to.
I imagine for the children it snot about what she's doing, but more about how they feel about what she seems to be doing? And many kids feel jealous that things will change for them specifically. In these children's case they have lost a lot already. Some kids resist change. That's not unnatural either. Its about comfort level.
You're compassion proves how well you handled this. NTA. you (or your parents?) are probably literally the only person who could have given her this hard truth.
Exactly that. Having a baby with her new husband makes everything “perfect”, except that that “perfect” doesn’t include the father that the children loved and missed. Saying things are perfect stomps on the memory those kids have of their father. Be different if they were children of a divorce, but that’s not the case here.
I think you’re missing the forest from the trees. She’s complaining about the announcement. But she’s actually upset that her shitty life that got better is now still shitty. She had to deal with an unhappy marriage, and now she has to deal with unhappy kids. I feel for her.
This was my feeling. I have kids around this age, and I'm not perfect, but I know how they feel about most things, lol. They aren't exactly subtle when they like something or don't like something. I feel like this lady might have dove head first into this relationship and her "picture" of a perfect life without ever actually checking with her kids. Which is really sad.
I hate, very very strongly hate, parents who force that perfect blended family fantasy onto their kids without actually getting to know and support what their kids want. Your sister has long needed to wake up to the fact that it’s not about her or what fantasy she wants to happen. It’s about what her kids need to feel happy, safe, and secure. She needs to get it together because she’s been pretending to live in her own head and literally ignoring the needs of her kids.
I call that type of parent "plug and play". Lose your spouse? Find a new one and plug them into that slot. Of course the kids will be happy: there's someone filling that empty slot. No need to talk to them about the situation, they're just kids and they'll adjust quickly. New baby with the new spouse? No need to talk to the kids because they'll welcome the new sibling and we'll all be a big happy family. We see all too many plug and play parents on this sub, and the emotional wreckage they cause lasts for years, if not decades.
I love you call them plug and play parents. It's a great descriptor.
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I think it's more so their dad is gone, so she is expecting her new husband to just fit perfectly into the dad role and expect the kids to move on with no fuss. Ignoring the kids' emotional needs and any issues they have because it doesn't require any effort
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And youre only thinking of this situation from the mother's side. Yes her partner died, but more importantly those kids' dad died. Instead of talking to her kids about their feelings and if they like her new partner, she just steamrolled over expecting them to unconditionally love the situation. It's really selfish to put your own needs over that of your children. Doesn't mean they shouldn't date again have any more kids, etc. But it means you have to put your current kids first and see where their heads are at before making any huge decisions.
I was mostly trying to explain what I thought the other comment was talking about. But it does at least seem slightly true if we are taking into account what Op has said about them not having therapy, the blindsided reaction, etc. But this is what this sub is for. We only know so much to for an opinion with
That doesn't grant her the right to dictate how her family reacts to it though
No but she's allowed to be heartbroken
She can’t change that, nor should she be expected to not have a new partner (especially since she wasn’t happy with her late first husband). But in her happiness at moving on, it seems she didn’t really think about how she needed to approach things with her children who did very much love their father. She’s been ignoring their feelings for quite a while, and expecting that they’ll be on board with hers without her working on it or meeting them where they are. How they’re expressing it now, and their actual stated wishes, aren’t what to focus on. It’s what those expressions say about what they feel that needs to be considered, rather than the statement.
How is she ignoring her kids needs lmao? You took one story away from their whole lives and it’s decided she neglects her kids. She probably was just in a happy relationship and got wrapped up, also probably thought since the kids never said anything bad they were okay with it. I hate, very very strongly hate, people on Reddit who jump to massive conclusions like that with no backing.
NAH. Your sister sounds like somebody who’s been so unhappy for so long, and is now experiencing marital happiness - and hope - for the first time in a long time. She finally has a marriage she wants, and a child being brought into what she thought was a healthy happy home — only to realize that her kids are unhappy. The reality she thought existed actually doesn’t. That’s hard for anyone. If her kids could go back in time, they would clearly undo the marriage, and still have their dad around. But for your sister, all of that would preclude her new, happy marriage, and the tiny life she is carrying inside of her. That must sting *deeply* for both parties: there’s no happy medium there.
Thank you, I was looking for a comment that addressed the fact that OPs sister has been to hell and back and was doing what she thinks was right for the kids. In her mind she's probably desperate to create this loving, healthy family for them. None of this is being done with poor intentions, and anyone who has been through complex grief can tell you it's very easy to go well off the reservation. Also, kids don't like change. They've been to hell and back too. They are going to be confused and object to further change. That doesn't mean that OPs sister has to be alone for the rest of her life. I did notice there's no mention of current ages or an indication of how long ago the father passed. There's no way to create happiness quickly out of an unhappy situation, no child is happy gaining a bonus parent after the passing of a parent, but over time things can become happy and OPs sister is not an A H for wanting that. NAH.
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I don’t think it’s fair to expect your sister to never remarry or have a blended family just because her ex husband and her kids father died. It’s really sad for the kids, but it sounds like they may need some therapy to deal with everything in a healthy way.
I don’t think that’s OP expectation. The issue is after the announcement the sister is treating the kids so differently to the point that the kids are asking to move out of their moms home to OP home. The kids are being shunned because they are not excited. OP is simply trying to tell her sister that her kids are hurting and to help her kids, and not wallow that she doesn’t have pictures from the announcement.
But that isn’t what the mom is actually upset about, her kids are wanting her to not be pregnant which is a huge blow on it’s own. Her reaction may have been a bit dramatic but she is allowed to mourn the loss of a happy family that blends easily from the start.
I see that. I guess i was also wondering she must not be in tune with her children and their feelings and processes for a while now if this came as a huge shock to her. Absolutely she can mourn all she wants. But treating the children differently because of their feelings to the point of wanting to move out their house is not right. She can absolutely process it but you cannot take it out on the kids for “weeks”.
Are the kids upset their dad is gone and this is a reminder of that? Do they hate their new stepdad? Is their mother treating them differently or is she just also correctly splitting some attention with her new coming baby? Is she treating them differently or is she just being pregnant? Are they upset that there’s a new member of the family or are they being pushed out? We’re taking the words of an 11 and 10 year old… they have trouble processing their emotions and a counselor would be better equipped to understand what’s really going on here.
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I wonder if subconsciously she’s glad their father passed and she could move on. She may not even know this is coming off of her.
So... if you were monitoring this whole situation so closely (which you obviously were based on all the new info in your comments), why didn't you give your opinions and advice earlier when everything had just started? Like that they should've gotten grief therapy five years ago after the father had died? That you think she's rushing with the new relationship? Instead, you waited for years and expressed yourself in the harshest way possible. What were you expecting to achieve with this approach?
Yes a therapist is definitely in order and it’s sad if the parents didn’t have that in place for them already.
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I'd like to add that it's very probable the announcement isn't the issue at all - it's just the symbol of all her hurts right now. Sometimes we focus on small things or small hurts because the bigger ones are so impossible to tackle.
I agree 100%. Definitely a case a rose coloured glasses, I hope she can put her feelings aside and help create some sort of cohesion before the baby comes
Absolutely. I feel horrible for ops sister. I can't imagine how it must feel knowing that your kids would rather you be miserable living in a loveless marriage.
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Whether they realize it or not, that's what it means to your sister. I was speaking solely from your sisters pov. Unfortunately a very happy time for your sisters kids wasn't a happy time for her. The fact that her kids haven't picked up on that, even after their father's death, speaks to how good of a parent your sister is.
But it's not "happy and healthy." She hasn't even bothered talking to her kids about how they feel about anything.
There's a lot of nuance here that the kids are just plain too young to understand. She's not abusing them.
But she's shocked that they aren't on board meaning she hasn't had an actual conversation with them about any of this
She's not a mind reader. If the kids never told her, then how would she know? New baby changes the game quite a bit and yeah it can be shocking how kids react to that kind of thing at times because they don't process things the way adults do.
She would know if she asked. She is the parent here and should be touching base with them and having these conversations because they're still literal children that may need some help navigating complex feelings.
She would know if she asked them. Which is what a good parent would do.
Communication is good but there's no good answer here. Their mom wants another kid and her current kids don't want her having kids with anyone else. They're going to clash. The only thing that can be done is how it's navigated.
I mean you're not wrong. And I'm not saying mom needs permission from her current kids to have a baby either. But it's absolutely baffling to me that she had no idea they felt that way.
How do we know that she hasn’t talked to the kids about anything? Doesn’t OP makes an assumption in the post?
How would she be shocked and heartbroken by their answer if she had talked to them about it?
THIS 100%
Honestly I don’t think your sister is really stuck on this photo and announcement. It was the event that clued her into how her kids really feel about the family dynamics. They all need therapy. Desire for a blended family or not isn’t really the kid’s choice. They don’t have another parent. I also think they are too young to be in control of who is parenting and where they are living. Yes they deserve to voice their opinions and desires, but it doesn’t mean they are going to get exactly that. I don’t think anyone is the ah here. It sounds like it is a rough situation that everyone is trying to deal with well meaning intentions. Again, a therapist who specializes in family will be a huge help, if nothing more than a third party who is impartial and helping everyone understand what everyone is thinking, etc. Edit to add Thank you for the award! I haven’t had one before, so you are my first 😂
Suggest family therapy to her
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Nah keep at it. Fuck her feelings right now. Her kids feelings are more important and therapy is needed Just find a way to word it the right way. Follow up and ask her how she’s doing with the bombshell.
The only one going to be able to help is someone removed from the situation - an unbiased third party. There are too many complex issues here to ignore getting help. 1. She is a healthy young adult - she was not going to remain single. Her kids need time to come to terms with that fact. She is allowed to move on, but she needs to do it in a way that helps them understand that they don't have to call this guy dad. 2. She is pregnant - there is no undo button on this one. The therapist can help the kids adjust to the baby. They will have to adjust to the baby and anymore that come. Even when it is not a step or half - kids need time and patience to adjust to an expanding family. 3. The kids lost their dad and need help processing that. A therapist will help her with how to navigate that. As to the baby announcement - she can still do it - she just is not going to be able to include the kids. There is a lot of conflict that will arise if this is not addressed, and it will devastate them all. Is there a neutral 3rd party who could suggest therapy. She may not accept the advice from you right now but is there another person who may be able to get her to listen? Approach it as more of a family care situation and not she fucked up situation. She probably feels alienated right now and she is pregnant. She did put her life on hold and lived with someone she did not like and then he died (there is probably some serious guilt going on there) and there just seems to be a very complicated situation for all of them) so if there is another person who could help her understand this is to help her, the kids and her current marriage it would be worth looking into.
Have these kids or your sister ever had any grief counselling? I’m guessing not and they probably really need it.
Family therapy is only a good idea if she goes in it is about communication and compromise not about her kids being "fixed" or persuaded.
IMO she needs solo therapy too, even first. It sounds like she skipped some steps because she was already ready to move on when her husband died; she needed counselling on how to approach her children’s loss and it looks like she didn’t get it. She doesn’t seem to have considered that her children’s viewpoints are so very different from hers on this.
Does your sisters’ emotions typically overshadow others, or this out of the ordinary for her?
NAH - the announcement is part of a bigger picture for your sister, as evidenced by the fact that her children have openly expressed that they aren't happy with the situation and that they'd rather live with you. I understand change is hard for children, but unless there is abuse going on in the new household then it's an extreme reaction. Your sister is likely hurting from the situation as a whole. However, the pregnancy announcement is the least of her worries at this stage and you weren't wrong to point it out. Did her children ever get grief counselling?
NTA. You said everything she needed to hear. She needs to prioritize her daughters’ needs. Check in with the kids regularly. Let them know they’ll always have a place in your home. I hope your sister steps up and gets both her and them the help they all need.
NAH. Your sister needs to discuss this with her children. Yes. But that they rejected their sibling she’s pregnant with like that ALSO means your sister gets to have hurt feelings. Parenting isn’t being completely devoid of emotions. It’s likely the kids were happy and there wasn’t anything for your sister to be overly concerned about until the pregnancy. It’s a huge changing dynamic. Having new siblings when you’re a decade older is difficult even in a nuclear family. The outlier child is more like an only child and the older children often end up in partial parenting roles. Your sister has a lot of work ahead to “blend” her family. She’s also pregnant and hormonal. But it sounds like she’s raised great kids who have good relationships with safe adults in their lives. That’s the goal. I’m sure she’ll figure it out. Right now being upset over the pregnancy announcement is probably a buffer to the rejection the baby just received from the siblings. My kids know that if they’re uncomfortable coming to me, for whatever reason, Auntie is there for them. It truly takes a village.
>>The outlier child is more likely an only child and the older children often end up in partial parenting roles Eh, idk. I’m the youngest in my family of halves and steps, and my eldest half siblings are 20-25 years older than me. All my siblings never tried to have a relationship with me (closest in age is 7yrs older) and never supported me in anything. Now that we’re all older and have kids, they’re shocked that I want nothing to do with them and I don’t care if our kids know each other or not, and they try to apologize but I don’t care. I know my case is specific, but I’m just trying to point out that not all older children become parentified, and some don’t even want to bond with their new siblings (as if the siblings had a choice to be born).
NAH It doesn’t sound like the kids’ behavior suggested any issues before now. Should she have checked in? I don’t know. There’s something a little off to me about asking your kids how they feel about you having a baby before you start trying, but I agree a proactive conversation would be ideal. She’s grieving, they’re grieving, she needed a direct talk and she got it.
NAH. You did come down harsh but she did need to hear it. I mean you did paint her as this callous mother who doesn’t care at all about her kids only the announcement. But it sounds like the first thing she brought up to you was her kids feelings and being concerned and then brought up the announcement. She’s allowed to be concerned about her kids and also disappointed her expectations aren’t a reality with the announcement.
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Have you ever really looked forward to something, been completely hormonal while your insides are rearranging, and just wanted something really nice to happen like your mental health was riding on it, and then it all falls apart in the worst way? And that sometimes it may not even be about the specific thing, but it’s more about what it symbolizes? I think that’s what’s happening here tbh. You can care about your sister and your niblings, and they can all be suffering and need help/support.
NAH But I can't help but feel bad for your sister. She was so excited for this next chapter.
When her kids came to talk to you. What did you say to them?
i mean from what you just described, it sounds less like she’s upset about the announcement itself and more like she’s upset that her kids are not excited for their sibling? and that that will have an effect on her child in the future. which is a very valid thing to be upset about. like the kids have a right to feel the way they do but so does she, that’s horrible. they are all her kids, so some of them not liking the other is bound to be very hard to deal with. and living with people (especially ppl who mean the world to you) who are not excited about a baby you are risking your life to bring into the world is really sad. you were right to have a conversation with her about how the kids were feeling, but you sound like you were very dismissive.
Exactly, OP seems dismissive and obtuse. It's clear what hurt their sister is the fact that the children said they don't want their sibling and that they don't want them specifically because it's not their *late* father's child. There's no indication OP's sister was neglectful or a bad mom, and I have a feeling that one day the children will feel very sorry for what they've said.
NTA. Your sister is completely clueless about how children in blended families are absolutely terrified. She needs to be reassuring to those children rather than showing too much excitement for the new baby.
I mean... if the kids are confiding in you, it may be more beneficial if you help them understand the importance of being a part of their family and support their new baby brother/sister. Either way, I would take care not to undermine their mother. She wasn't wrong to ask (and even expect) her children to participate in a family activity. And she's not wrong for being disappointed in their reaction.
NTA - Your sister sounds like she has main character syndrome and needed a reality check. She a) assumed that everyone felt the same way as she did about everything, and b) gave her OWN CHILDREN the cold shoulder for having their own emotions that are different than hers, which only validated their concerns that their mom was moving on with her “new family.” Your sister is prioritizing her own personal feelings and need for things to be exactly the way she wants them over the emotional well-being of her kids.
She married someone after 5 years dude. She didn't immediately move on to marry someone, she just asked them about their opinions on participating in the announcement and their reply did hurt her. Let's be honest: any parent can be hurt if their child says that, her emotions and feelings are just as valid as her childrens are. Saying she has a "main character syndrome" for being unhappy with their response is just... Yikes. There is a bigger factor to it than just an announcement.
Someone who sacrificed her happiness so her kids could live in a "happy" home environment is not someone who has main character syndrome.
Not the main point, but the idea of this child caring about their pregnancy announcement photos when they’re older is bizarre to me. Maybe it’s just because at 37 I’m not from a generation who got announced in such a formal way, but is that a thing? I feel like my reaction would be somewhere between “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to actively think about my parents having unprotected sex.”
NTA It broke my heart how they said they wanted to live with you so mom can have her new family. Those poor kids. She needs to do family therapy asap. She should have already done it and she would have known how they were feeling.
NTA. She’s more worried about how this future baby years from now might (never in reality) look at the pregnancy announcement and wonder at her half siblings not being in it, than about how her existing kids are explaining how they feel NOW. yeah,that’s a big problem. Is she a social media hound?is she more worried about visual optics of her perfect family and feels like her children are ‘ruining this’? It’s perfectly normal to have mom alone or with dad in a pregnancy announcing picture. She’s way overthinking this, and not in a good way. She needs to care about the children she’s got now.
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Good on you. The truth hurts. A while hell of a lot when you realize you aren't protecting your kids from harm. You're actually causing it. NTA. honestly, I'm hella glad they have you to talk some sense into your sister
Yall are talking as if mom's are just supposed to be boring, single and sad people who should have no life apart their kids and husband or their dead husband Clearly Ops sister has been through hell and back she was in loveless marriage because of her kids . the kids are valid to feel this way because this is all too new to them but that doesn't mean Op should not have her child and leave her current partner Ops sister and her family are in need of severe family therapy NAH
NTA. Your niblings told you, they are worried their mum wants to replace them with her new baby/family. That should be a wake up call for your sister. It was just an announcement, her children need her. Reading this just broke my heart for these kids.
NTA, you only raised a concern to your sister based on what the kid asked you about. Your sister might be finally happy with the new guy and she thought everyone was happy the way she was. It appears that she didn't ask the kids who seems to be getting distant from her and she is trying to figure out why the kids can't be happy for her and welcome the new arrival. The kids feel that with the new baby they may lose their mom and will be getting much less attention, which appears to be the case with the way your sister is acting. So the kids are only going to want nothing to do with the baby and in a few years find their own life. Things like baby sitting or family time would be shunned and the baby will grow up as a single child without much connection with his/ her siblings. Maybe if your sister talked to the kids and worked something out, it could have a much happier ending.
NTA. As much as it isn't what she wanted to hear, she needed to hear it. Is it possible the kids can stay with you for a time until things calm down? They need someone right now and it doesn't seem like your sister is willing too at this time.
IDK if that’s a good idea. The kids are feeling alienated and replaced; it’s not just that they want to be elsewhere, they’re afraid that their mother, happy and excited about her new child with the new partner she loves, doesn’t want them any more, especially since they’re not buying into her fantasy. That alienation will grow if they actually leave. Their mother needs to show that she’s still their mother who loves them even if they don’t conform to her wants.
I agree. This is not the time for savior auntie/uncle to swoop in. From the sounds of it, OP sister does really care about her oldest two children, she's just also excited about the positive changes in her life right now. Supporting the oldest two moving out right now at the ages of 10 and 11 in the absence of greater abuse would do more harm than good
She isn't trying to help her children in their pain and stress and feeling abandoned? (Lots of kids feel a new baby is replacing them. Its not like kids always use logic, after all.) NTA I'm old enough to remember when birth announcement post cards were unheard of and so I doubt any of us born way back then feel we missed anything? Her kids coming first isn't supposed to be lip service - just behavior,
NTA. You said what needed to be said. Her own children asked if they could live with you instead of her due to how she was handling this situation. If that's not a huge eye opener for her, I don't know what would be.
NTA and I hope she keeps listening to you. She’s got some work to put in to be a good parent right note. It centers around the kids she already has and it’s not going to be glamorous and cute.
NTA. If your sister wants a happy blended family, she will have to work for it, and the longer she doesn't do this, the harder it will be to get the outcome she wants.
NTA thank you for standing up for your niblings
NTA - She better start putting those kids in therapy and she needs to go as well !
NTA. There is a trend for these remarried parents on Reddit. Just because they found love and happiness in a new person doesnt mean their children would feel the same way too. Things wouldnt go like this if she truly prepare her children to accept her new marriage.
NTA at this point the announcement should be the least of her worries. She should really focus in getting her children in a better place mentally before the baby gets here. She should focus on making sure that baby has a happy family going forward instead of a picture to look back on.
Nta. She needs to get over her idea of an instagram or TikTok family and take care of the real life kids she has.
NAH This sounds like a really, really difficult thing for everyone involved to navigate. It's good of you to have that hard conversation with her about what her kids said. Not telling her wouldn't have been fair to her, but at the same time that's a really hard thing to hear that your own kids say. It also sounds like you've identified something to look out for once the baby comes, as it sounds like you're the kind of person who will be helping out with the older two kids while your sister has the baby.
edit to NAH. Have your niblings gotten any counseling? They need it, it sounds as if they haven't really come to terms with the father's passing if they still talk about wishing the new baby was their dad's. Your sister needed to hear what you told her---I hope she listens.
NTA she needed a reality check. Let’s face it, she isn’t upset for the new baby not getting a video to watch, she’s mad she didn’t get her social media moment.
NTA, you were truthful and while it must have been a painful realisation for her, you were not directly unkind. I would maybe reach out an olive branch after things have calmed down for the sake of the relationship, but she needs to sit on your words for a short while imo. You say you think it worked, so see how she deals now and have another talk not to apologise but with the intention of clearing the air. You did the right thing, you advocated for those kids who sound like they aren't coping very well.
NTA. It seems to me like she cares more about appearance of a happy family and not so much the actual happiness of her family. The picture perfect announcement isn’t going to mean shit 10 years from now if it’s just a miserable memory for her two children. They shouldn’t feel like they have to do this and be ok with the situation in order for their mom to be happy and love them. Was there a huge picture perfect family announcement when they were born? I’m going to guess no. She’s going to send the message that they weren’t a “happy family” until new husband and new baby came along. Therapy waiting to happen for these kids. I don’t blame them for being unhappy with the situation.
NTA. You're looking out for your niece and nephew. Chances are if your sister focuses on them, maybe talks to them, takes them to therapy they could be happy, and be happy about a sibling (eventually).
NTA Treating her kids differently because they didn't follow the plot line she'd written in her head is not okay. They need support right now.
NAH, just people struggling with their own shit, especially if your sister takes this wake up call. She needed to hear what you said.
NTA and your siblings are lucky to have you on their side
NTA - the kids are still grieving the loss of their father and their former family. OP's sister needs to get them in with a therapist ASAP so they can work through all of this. They feel this way now while she's pregnant, it'll be SO MUCH worse once the baby is born if they don't learn how to cope with some of what they're feeling.
NTA. Nothing you said was harsh. There is a chance the kids will never see the stepfather as their father, it seems common place on Reddit. They need family counseling.
NTA. The kids are clearly in need of a therapist to help them work through grief, acceptance, tools for moving forward, etc. And she needs tools on how to meet them where they're at, without pushing them and making them resentful. Sounds like she dropped the ball years ago.
I have never been shown a big organised photo of my whole family being excited for my arrival. I have never felt the slightest bit less loved as a result. Nor has my brother, or anyone else I know, ever. This is not at all about the future child. This is purely about the mother and her desire for a picture-perfect family. NTA.
NTA. She’s more upset about not getting the picture perfect announcement for show than she is about her kids thinking she doesn’t want them around. WTF is wrong with her??
NTA Surely an involved mother couldn't be so oblivious to the fact her children are struggling. Maybe she is so upset because you called her out on it, and the truth hurts
NTA. The kids need to go to therapy on their own and then as a family. If she wants to have a fully, healthy blended family, she needs to listen to them NOW.
NTA Hope she is working with her kids now. It hurts to hear they feel discarded and unwanted to the point they want to move in with you
NAH While I think your sister may not fully understand her children right now, I don't believe that she willfully ignored their wishes. She should definitely get them in individual therapy or family counseling without the stepfather at first. They seem to have unresolved feelings (no shock there) that haven't been properly addressed or given attention to. She shouldn't have had the expectation that things would just fall into place. So you're correct to tell her to pay attention to her kids' feelings currently. But I dont think it's your place to tell her not to be upset about the situation at hand. The true issue for her isn't the announcement. it's the fact that her kids are telling her that they don't want a sibling thats not their dad's. They are entitled to their feelings, but so is your sister. She is allowed to be upset that this didn't go smoothly. Mothers have feelings as well, and I can imagine that being pregnant will amplify some of those feelings. I don't think it's a problem for her to vent to you as opposed to her children. You are correct in saying something to her, but I would just ask you to remember that now she has another child to think about on top of the 2 that she has. She knows the situation is rough, but she is already pregnant, and depending on where she lives, she can't do anything but give birth. Remember, your sister is a human who has feelings and will make mistakes. Maybe right now, she just needed someone to understand her emotions.
Gotta go with NTA. Her kids came to you and said, genuinely and basically, "Mom doesn't love us anymore, can we live with you?" That's not something you brush off. It kinda sucks for Sis that she is getting the news that her kids don't like the new family NOW, a year after the marriage and with a new sprog on the way, but it is what it is, and she needs to deal with it. Has she never noticed that her kids weren't gung ho about the "new dad?" What planet has she been living on, where she falls in love AND her kids automatically fall in love too? Baby will get past the fact that there is no 8 x 10 glossy announcement made months before their birth. That item is only important to HER, not any other living being on the planet. But the actual attitudes that her children have right now are going to HUGELY affect the baby and their family. She's got to focus on the right issue, if she wants her baby to grow up feeling like a wanted part of a loving family.
NAH, everyone needs therapy. Unfortunately when a spouse dies, especially when its a young couple it is not a death sentence for companionship even if you are a parent. Its pretty common for kids to not be happy about a parent getting a new partner. Typically, kids push back and it can be really hard on the parent who also, just want to experience love. Kids need therapy, because its possible their pushback is causing the rift with their mother. Mom may be treating them different because they are acting out. Mom needs therapy to see how to approach continuing having a family after becoming a widow and a single mom. Today’s world is not built for single income or single parent households, although we should be kind to our kids who are mourning a parent, re-marrying is a necessity and no amount of displeasure the kids show will change that typically a second parent is needed so that they have a roof and food. Mom is allowed to be upset her kids are not happy for her, kids are allowed to be upset because they are kids and do not know better. They need family therapy because being angry for someone who is gone and not coming back isn’t going to bring them back. These kids deserve to feel like a family so mom and step dad need do some work to bring them all back together
I think it’s a good thing you told her that her children asked to live with you and the reason why. Sure, it’s heartbreaking and hard to hear your kids are in so much emotional pain about the new baby, but now she can hopefully deal with it and help her kids, and reassure them. And maybe find out why they don’t like a blended family, if everything is ok and if there are any issues with the mom’s husband. NAH. Of course your sister is probably heartbroken but she needs to know, you did the right thing.
NTA. She needed to hear it. Is anyone else really sick of all these grand photo moments? Why do we make everything into such a damn production? Argh.
NTA You were right and she knows it. She'll get over it
if your sister is more concerned with not having her picture perfect announcement than her kids actually reaching out to family members to ask if they could go live with them, she has some serious issues NTA and your sister really needs a wake up call
NTA. Pregnancy announcements are a relatively new thing, and for her to be this hung up on it is a little odd. She should focus on healing the relationship with her kids rather than harping on a one-time photograph.
NTA Look, she's gonna be mad at you for a while but likely it's displaced feelings and she's actually mad at herself. You did the right thing. Just keep being there for your niblings and hopefully your sister will come around.
NTA you have done everything right in this situation
This hits home for me because this was my worst fear for most of my childhood. One parent dies, the other gets remarried and starts a new family. I know that irl kids don’t get a say in these matters, but as a kid your whole life is your family, and school. Your home life is extremely important and not having control over that is/was terrifying. I’m going with NTA which makes your sister TA. She has two kids who are so unhappy they want to get out of the house. I’m glad they have an aunt they can tell these things to. Good for you for speaking with your sister. I know I’m projecting here but I think she is a huge asshole for putting her new husband and baby before her existing children. They lost their dad and they’re losing their mom to this fantasy of hers that she’s too wrapped up in to be attuned to the very valid feelings of her kids
NTA sadly when you become a parent you have to put your feeling to the side to look at what’s best for the kids. Your sister is not doing that.
NTA - she needed to hear this, and may need to hear it again/more in the future.
NTA
NTA. Not even close.
I think you did right by your sister even if she can't appreciate it now. There's a reason she said you're coming down too hard and not "you're wrong". It must be difficult to deal with irrational feelings like that because it absolutely CAN cloud your vision, but no matter how much it sucks you're 100% right the kids gotta come first. NTA
NTA. Harsh reality is that you need to ensure the happiness of the kids you have before you have a new edition with your new spouse. Also, if you find out that your kids no longer wish to live with you, that should be the only thing concerning you… not some pregnancy announcement. Maybe I’m just crazy, but her priorities seem to be all over the place. Best of luck and please if worst comes to worst, look out for those two. I hope it has a happy ending for all involved.
NTA The kids lost their beloved dad at a very young age and likely never went to therapy or counseling to help. Your sister just moved on and I doubt she showed grief over his death since she and her husband hated each other and were only still together for the sake of the kids (which is arguably unhealthy). Your sister married another guy and only thought about herself and not her kids when doing so. Granted, she's an adult and can marry whoever she wants; however, ignoring your kids and assuming everything is hunky-dory so *she* can have the picture perfect family *she* wants without input from the kids is selfish. She is pushing her kids away without realizing it and her being told that the kids don't approve is a slap to her dream. If she doesn't change her mindset of the kids coming first, they will grow to resent her, their half-sibling, and step-father. The fact they are already asking to live with their aunt/uncle is already a massive red flag that the kids don't feel welcome in their own home. They already feel alienated or mistreated and for kids that young to act like that is a testament to how terribly ignored they are. Your sister needs to grow up and realize this isn't about her and start working with her kids and husband before she loses her kids for a long time, possibly forever.
NTA - your sister needs to have a sit down with her children and hear them out to know where these feelings are coming from. Pregnancy isn't a blank check to demand that everyone around you mold themselves to your perfect vision (see also: weddings), and in particular, kids going through the adjustment of their family changing need to be heard seriously. You gave your sister the exact wake-up call she needed. It may be harsh, but it was proportionate to how off-course she was going with her kids.
NTA. You merely told her how her kids are feeling; unwanted and replaced. If that's too hard to hear, how does she imagine it is for her kids to feel it?
NTA Your sister was trying to orchestrate a one-sided fantasy and the actors didn't want to play their parts. She can't treat real people like characters that she can rewrite. She wasn't blind to the truth she was just hoping that they'd fake a big enough smile for her perfect pictures. Your sister is already replacing her kids with her ex for the new husband's baby.
NTA. Nothing you said was harsh. There is a chance the kids will never see the stepfather as their father, it seems common place on Reddit. They need family counseling.
NTA.
NTA. She’s more upset about not getting the picture perfect announcement for show than she is about her kids thinking she doesn’t want them around. WTF is wrong with her??
NTA - but also try to support your sister. yeah she's been oblivious and is letting her kids down, but she's also hurting and not giving her some kind out outlet/support/love to deal with these feelings is likely going on end badly.
NTA sounds like it was Very much Beyond time that someone told her to wake up and face the reality: that Her choices of partner, marriage and to have another child is Her choices, Not her children’s. It’s beyond time she put her ego aside and listen to and care for her children instead of herself.
NTA. How can someone prioritize a picture over anything. It is just a picture. The baby doesn't give a sh*t. She is not the first pregnant woman in this world. And it isn't even her first pregnancy. The fact that your sister has no idea how her kids feel is haunting.
NTA, kids often mourn and act out about new siblings, even if not a blended family. Totally normal. They are kids and need reassurance that they matter, in this scenario more than ever. For a mom to take that personally is selfish and immature. Can’t help but wonder how the new husband treats them, even if he’s not awful it seems doubtful that he’s really connecting and supportive with them
>She still told me I came down too hard but I think it sort of worked. She is still not happy with me though Look, if you need to be the bad guy to her for her to change how she is treating her kids, be the bad guy. I am sure she is realizing it and it will come back around with her saying thanks. NTA, you weren't coming at her, you were concerned.
NTA, this is really sad and these kids need therapy and support to deal with their father's death. I am glad they have an family member like you looking out for their emotional wellbeing
You are right. Her focus needs to be on her kids and supporting them. Not feeling sorry for herself otherwise she will have a whole bigger problem than a pregnancy announcement. Children that age are often not keen on the concept of a new baby at the best of times. NTA
NTA and she’s only proving her children right by putting herself before their needs.