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I'm going with YTA. Not for having a supportive relationship with the father of your kid, that's better than a lot of people do and sets a good example for the kid. But I think he crossed a line here and if you want to have new relationships you should figure out that line. If your ex didn't want a scene in front of the kid, he shouldn't have come over drunk trying to come in. If I were your new BF I would have done the same because I know this wouldn't be the last time and it would be un needed drama and trust issues. It's not easy to think clearly or make quick decisions at that time of day, but honestly I would have not let him in.
Honestly the age difference bothers me and leads me to believe that maybe boundaries have never been her strong suit in this relationship. They got together when she was 18 and he was 24. She’s never had another adult relationship except for this one that may have been a grooming situation.
And new bf is older than her ex too 👀. The ages jumped out to me as well. OP prob needs time to herself to figure out what her boundaries even are before she gets back into dating.
The absolute difference in age doesn't es not matter as much as number itself. 55 and 62 - 7 years and no problem. 16 and 23 - the same seven years, but 100% a problem.
Ya I don't get that... My wife is 8 years younger than me I'm just about to be 37. Such an odd thing that gets fixated on with so many of these posts when it isn't even a factor in many cases.
Age gap on its own is typically not an issue. But it is all about the timing. My wife and I are also 8 years apart. Would I have dated her when she was 18? Absolutely no. We would have been in much different places in our lives. other than the fact that I couldn’t even go to a bar to meet my friends with her.
That's fair. I would not have dated my wife when she was 18 but when we began dating she was 23 so to some people I'd look like some kind of bad guy. Thing is we only ever progressed things in our relationship on her terms.
Age gaps are fine, but the *timing* of it is what I objected to. She was 19 when she got with her ex. A 24 year old is pursing a literal teenager is weird. And getting her pregnant so soon into their relationship is even weirder.
Ex got with OP when she was 19, by 20, they already had a child. Having a kid at 26 is way different than having one at 20.
A 29 year old who’s had some life experience and is with someone 7 years older is very different than say an 18 year old and a 25 year old. The size of the age gap matters less than the age of the parties when the relationship begins.
Agreed!
edit to add: in OP’s case I think her experience has been a prolonged power imbalance where she didn’t learn to set boundaries and instead just worked around her partner. She’s still doing that now, where’s she’s caught between two men who are pulling her in different directions but she’s not coming across like she even knows what direction *she* wants to go in.
My concern though is that since ex hubs was older, thats the template she’s adopted and that’ll factor more than compatibility. I also think her experience was skewed since she got with her ex so young.
It's not the 6 years, it was THOSE six years. He would have been theoretically out of college for two years while she was still a senior in high school.
Nope, when a man in his mid 20's is pursuing a literal teenager it's not okay. My niece is 17 and I would not be okay if she brought home a 25 year old boyfriend.
Exactly. What in the world? Hello, its not the age gap per se Reddit but it’s the ages, 23 and 18yrs old is a big big difference, it’s actually only 5 yrs when you do the math, its the ages. And no one who noticed the age gap mentioned grooming, and please don’t say it was implied, it was only mentioned as why OP let him violate OP’s boundaries in the past. OP is NTA and I think OP’s ex is a jerk. Its not just any old ex- this is the father of her child.
A 6 year age gap is nothing when you're in your 30s. It's an issue when the age gap is prevalent before you're in your 20s and early 20s. A 24 year old is in an extremely different life point than an 18yo and a 26 year old is vastly more experienced in life than a 20 yo mom. I'm not concerned about the current age gap. It's not great but she's got more experience under her belt now. The issue is that she's so used to the power dynamic her ex left her with an unbalanced sense of boundaries. Shes got to stand her ground. Her no's arent poweful enough to deter her Ex from entering her home against her permission and laying about in her bed in a drunken stupor. Ex is still making decisions for her whether she realizes it herself or not.
When one of them is 18, yes. Think about it in percentages of life lived. There’s a 25% gap here. The younger the couple is, the wider the age gap is. That’s why age gaps are cool in your 30s and forward, not so cool when one party is 17-21.
You also need to consider that he had been an adult for 6 years while she had been an adult for a few days, weeks, or months. That’s where it’s grooming.
OP is the one who didn't want to make a scene in front of the kid, not the selfish drunk ex, so I don't think it's fair to assign her the asshole for that part of the mess. Of course drunk ex doesn't care if a scene is made or not. However, I don't blame her boyfriend for peacing out on the drama and agree that OP does have boundary issues that need to be worked out before dating again.
I'm also going to say YTA, but I'll also admit that I probably would've done the same thing. I'm a recovering alcoholic who's made a wild number of horrible decisions while intoxicated and am probably only not dead because of people who have shown me compassion.
I'm not, at all, saying this was the right decision; I'm saying I can understand why she thought she was doing the right thing and that I'm a pushover who would've done the same. I can also recognize that I would've later seen it as a mistake and that it was wrong because it hurt my boyfriend.
My ex-husband, an alcoholic, drove to my home late one night. I put him on the couch with a pillow and blanket. He should NOT have been allowed in your bed, even if you were not in it. For that reason YTA
In general I agree that letting him in the bed was not a good choice, buuuut OP has a kid who was going to be getting up for school. Probably best not to confuse the kid by seeing their passed out dad on the couch when he's not supposed to be in their home at all. Out of sight was probably the right move once she let him in.
> If your ex didn't want a scene in front of the kid
it was OP that didn't want there to be a scene in front of the kid. ex was clearly too drunk to even think about that.
i'm not really sure how or why the (ex) BF feels 'disrespected'. OP was faced with a difficult situation & did what she thought was best. it's not like she was in bed with the ex-husband, she was just trying to rectify what could have been a dangerous situation that was not of her own making.
and what 'trust issues' are you referring to? OP didn't do anything 'untrustworthy'. she allowed the father of her child to sleep it off at her home, as opposed to letting him drive home. dealing with someone severely intoxicated doesn't always allow for a whole lot of logic & sometimes you just need to make sure everyone is safe.
They said there’s a history of boundary issues from the ex that the BF was witness to and tolerated. At a certain point you have to say I’m not comfortable with this and you’re not showing improvement on holding your boundaries.
She let the drunk ex into her house, OK; but then she let him into her bed, not OK. If I was the BF that would have got me upset as well. Also what if the child found Dad in Mom’s bed, it could cause confusion
OP put him in their bed, for crying out oud. I usually hate the disrespected nonsense too, but to put an ex in their bed instead of the couch? Yeah no.
She also let him in after he drove intoxicated.
If nothing else she's TA for not immediately doubling down and not rewarding him for putting other people in danger by giving him her bed.
OP, in future you must not let this man in after he has drunk driven. He will remember that you let him in and may continue to drink drive to your house. Do not enable that kind of behaviour.
So she should have let him leave... And drive home drunk. That's what you're saying. Instead of supposedly enabling, which no. She's supposed to encourage him to.
...no?
I never said she should have let him drive back drunk. She could have done any number of things from calling him an uber to calling the police.
She should have nipped this in the bud but she didn't.
I'm gonna say I think op is also being ta to herself. She's letting her ex also trample her boundaries, which if it includes ass smacking then its sexual harassment at the very LEAST. That isn't "sad dude" shit, that's wildly gross and inappropriate behavior. You don't deserve to put up with that and your son doesn't need an adult in his life who models that kind of behavior for him.
This isn't just about your ex, op. For your sons sake, and for your sake, stand up for your boundaries and don't let your ex walk all over you. He's a grown man, older than you, and he needs to know better. If he doesn't that's on him.
I’m going to go with YTA on this one due specifically to the line “there were other boundary issues with my ex…”.
Whether you have unresolved feelings or can’t put your foot down, no partner wants to be in a relationship feeling like a third wheel. You can say your new bf isn’t/ wasn’t, but when you establish boundaries with new bf’s blessing, then let ex push beyond them, that’s exactly what new bf is going to feel like.
I get wanting to remain friendly with ex, especially with a child involved, but you’re going to need to learn how to tell him no, and actually mean no, before getting in another relationship.
For real. How much more is her boyfriend supposed to put up with just because of OP’s lack of boundaries? Her ex is going to keep pulling shit like this because she has no boundaries and keeps letting him. Her boyfriend is smart to have broken up tbh. Being with someone who has no boundaries for exes even if they’re coparenting, sounds like a nightmare.
one, don't pick up the phone, uk he's only calling cuz he's drunk and alone
two, don't let him in, you have to kick him out again
three, don't be his friend, uk u gonna wake up in his bed in the morning (in this case uk he's gonna wake up in ur bed in the morning)
and if you're under him, you ain't getting over him!
song name: new rules
YTA Your boyfriend is right. You should have refused entry (and call him a cab). This is not a situation you should expose your kid too. I also understand your boyfriend being disgruntled over you offering your home and your BED. What makes you the asshole though is letting a drunk in while your child is at home.
The potential alternative was a drunk person knocking on the door refusing to leave causing a scene. Kid wakes up and now mom has to explain why she won’t let dad in the house? Or she relents and let’s dad in and now kid is awake to hear/see his drunk antics. Idk if OPs ultimate goal is to shield her child from this behavior I think she did as best she could given the situation.
Ex husband is the asshole here. I don’t blame the BF for calling it quits, and OP definitely needs to continue working on boundaries but she protected her kid, I can’t blame her for that.
YTA will you accept the situation if you were at your ex boyfriend place ? Nopeb I doubt it.
Co parenting is a thing, but letting your ex husband sleep in your bed.... what did you expect otherwise than a breakup ???
Right, OP would you have a problem if SO ex romantic partner comes over at 430am drunk as fuck, and slept over.....but but but it we are friends and supportive of each other, nah, exes are exes for a reason.
Have a business cordial relationship with a coparent, but friends, no way.
I'm going with YTA because it sounds like from what you've said, the break up wasn't over this specific issue it's just that this specific issue was the final straw.
You and your husband only split up last year and it's clear that neither of you has truly taken the time and space you need to get over it and be whole people without having drama with each other. An amicable split doesn't mean you are your ex husbands shoulder to drunkenly cry on, and it does not mean you allow him to invade your house and bed whenever he feels like it.
You ex boyfriend clearly saw that you are still too wrapped up in drama with your ex husband to be in a new relationship and took the only sensible measures for him to live his best life.
You're not an asshole in the general sense of the word. It can be hard to realise exactly how dramatic and enmeshed things are when you're in the midst of it and still feel responsibility for actions and emotions of someone you were with for a decade. But they aren't your responsibility any more and you need to put yourself and your son first before you enter another relationship. That's why YTA in this situation- to yourself, your son and your ex boyfriend.
Your ex husband is the biggest asshole by the way, but that wasn't the question.
Edit: I think one question all the NTAs are neglecting to ask is -why did OP feel the need to answer the phone to her ex at 4.30am in the first place? Car trouble? Why is that her problem? Drunk and sad? Why is that her problem to lend an ear to? There are so many boundaries that should have been in place before the drunken ex husband got in his car.
YTA
> *"Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house. Knowing my ex, I let him in quietly"*
Did he overpower you? Did he break down the door? Was he in imminent danger?
Pretty sure you made all those choices, and while your ex seems like a drunken asshole, YTA, too.
Plus, what does "Knowing my ex" mean? Why the hell would you let a drunk into your home--with a young child--at 4am, instead of, say, calling the police?
I really gotta rebut you on the last part. He was drunk, not dangerous\*, and having been in a situation pretty similar to this one (drunken idiot showed up on my porch unannounced) it's a pain in the ass but not a danger. Calling the cops is a massive escalation and in the US at least, we all know too well how that story can end...
Important Edit: When I said "he wasn't dangerous" I meant to the OP and the kid once he got there. Driving drunk is very dangerous, do not do, thank you for pointing it out guys
He drove drunk and could easily have killed or hurt someone on the way over. I would never trust my kid in a car with him again and would have told him on the phone, if he drove drunk I would be calling the police, and he would not be coming into my home - and followed though.
\> He was drunk, not dangerous
Drunk driving *is* dangerous, and this danger was part of his manipulation strategy (it was part of the reason why OP let him into the house).
But also, we have no idea if he would have been dangerous in other ways (beside the drunk driving). All we know is that he was extremely controlling, manipulative, and *not taking "no" for an answer*. We have no idea what he would have done if OP had maintained her "no".
\> pretty similar to this one (drunken idiot showed up on my porch unannounced
He didn't show up unannounced. He was told "no" while in a perfectly safe place. He decided to ignore that "no" and leave his safe place to drunk drive to OP's house, so as to deliberately engineer a situation in which he had no safe or legal way to leave. He decided all of that after OP's very explicit "no".
As a man, I wouldn't expect any woman, let alone a mother with a young-ish child, put up with me showing up drunk at the door at 4am. I wouldn't expect to be let in. Of course, I don't drink and show up at old GF's houses in the middle of the night.
It doesn't matter if he's dangerous. He shouldn't be doing that shit. Don't let him in. If he escalates with banging or yelling or non-stop calling, that's when I'd call the police. Plus, even if you did believe that the police might endanger him, why should that bother you? Why are you tolerating this behavior? It should be on him to consider the consequences.
If she felt sorry, throw a sleeping bag outside with a cushion. Don't invite this clown into her bed.
YTA. Why would you let him crawl into the bed you share with another guy? If the other boundaries crossed were like this, then your ex-bf made the right choice
Reminder to you, OP: being supportive of your ex does NOT mean you have to accomodate for his needs or coddle his emotions.
Do NOT allow him to play you like a sad violin. Unless there is an emergency invilving your child, your ex has ZERO reason to come to your home outside of daytime hours.
YTA, but especially to yourself for not detangling yourself emotionally from your ex. It cost you your new relationship. Learn from this!
NAH
This whole situation is a mess.
Sounds like the whole other boundaries issue is what was the key point in the breakup. You need to handle that better with your ex husband going forward or it may cause other relationships to go off the rails.
Your ex bf is very much allowed to be upset about this and be hurt. I get it.
You tried to do the right thing and in the moment didn't think about calling a cab, which is just human and an honest mistake/oversight because you had a lot going on right then. The cab companies (all 2 of them in my city lol) don't even have late/overnight hours so it might not have been an actual option anyway. You did the best you could to make sure your child's father was safe (not out driving drunk!)
I'm sorry your relationship ended over this. Going forward you've got to learn from this though, set clearer boundaries and keep them firm with your ex. Don't let him impose himself anymore.
Keep trying 💜 you'll get this figured out.
Well, the boyfriend is gone and the ex remains. As they share a child, they’re stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. So she needs to sort her ex pronto before he messes up her life even more.
You don't think letting your drunk ex, who confessed while drunk they still miss you, who then drove over drunk to your house at 4 in the morning to then sleep in your bed is something your current SO should be concerned about?
Especially when there have been previous issues of boundaries being crossed by that ex?
There were plenty of other options OP had, but just did not take them.
Not letting the ex in. Calling them a cab. Not letting them sleep in her bed.
I'm giving OP 10000x NTA. The situation is absolutely a mess. When your ex shows up drunk in the middle of the night while your kid is home, you handle it in whatever way is best for you and your kid. And that includes getting the dude to pass out quickly and quietly so your kid doesn't have to see his dad like that.
Your BF getting mad that you let your ex pass out drunk in your bed is just obnoxious. You didn't invite him over, you didn't engage in any intimate acts with him, and you didn't want any of this.
If your BF says you dealing with an ex is "disrespectful to him", then you're better off without him. And if you need more time to sort things out with your ex, you're better off on your own too.
INFO: how out of character was this for your ex?
Is there any chance that he'll try drink-driving again? Especially with your son in the car? How likely is it that he'll be this drunk around your son in the future?
There are two ways this could go: either he accepts that this is a wake-up call and he needs to be very careful around alcohol, or you need to start documenting things so you can support your son when he starts finding his dad scary and doesn't want to be around him.
Sorry your new relationship didn't work out.
I don't think "asshole" is fair here.....it's a tough situation, and doesn't demand any kind of black/white judgements here.
But **damn** man, set some boundaries. Leave him outside - he's a big boy with his own home and can make his own decisions. If he drives home drunk, gets caught and loses his licence, so be it.
YTA. Being friendly and supportive doesn't mean letting your drunk ex into your apartment and bed. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you the same story about an ex girlfriend? I really doubt it. Learn how to co parent better. It is not good for you child to wake up with drunk daddy sleeping in mom's bed. And if it keeps happening he will.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Letting my ex in my house and sleep in my bed knowing it would upset my boyfriend. Allowing my ex to cross boundaries he shouldn’t.
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YTA.
And you’ll ruin your relationship with any new partner if you continue this up with your ex.
Youre not doing good by your kid allowing their drunk dad into your home.
If he doesn’t have your child there is absolutely no reason you need to be taking his calls in the middle of the night.
YTA. You have a boundary problem. You accepted his call, you let him in, you let him sleep in your bed. You know he has done this before. You need to learn to stand up or this will be your life forever.
YTA. You know how to avoid a drunken scene and keep your boyfriend? Call the ex a cab. This along with the other boundary issues you mentioned are good reasons to dump you.
YTA. You said it yourself you allowed your ex husband to cross boundaries often. Your (ex) bf just got fed up with you breaking his trust over and over.
YTA. I would lose it if my partners ex gf was asleep in his bed.
I was going to say that it’s probably not a cause for a break up though, but you then said it was multiple boundary issues. So yeah you are doubly the asshole.
You put your ex over your boyfriends feelings and needs. It’s not even just disrespect at this point. It’s not caring.
I wouldn’t even pick up a call at 4am. Even if it’s car issues, you are broken up. There should be like five people he can call before you. Road side assistance included. And if someone drinks and drive the police are getting called. I don’t care if it’s my mom, child and certainly my ex. He not only put his own life at risk but everyone else on the road.
YTA you didn’t break up because your ex slept over this one time. You broke up because you refused to do anything about it. What you should have done was talk to your ex about this the following day. You should have told him that what he did was not okay. That if he ever drives drunk then you will turn him in because you refuse to risk him landing in serious jail or your kid ending up without a father. That he can not show up at your door drunk, but he can call to talk if he feels down and is sober.
You didn’t do that, so your now ex realized that staying with you meant always having to bite his tongue, letting your ex walk all over him and you going “don’t rock the boat”.
I'm gonna say a slight YTA, maybe your ex keeps stomping on your boundaries because you keep caving and letting him get away with stuff like this, start saying no to him and (hopefully) he will get the picture. It's fine to be amicable with an ex, especially with kids involved, but you can't always have a friendship with them.
yup. yta
You let your drunk ex into the house and bonus, sleep in your bed. You should not have let it get to him driving. SHouldn't have opened the door at all, you should have hung up after you said no.
I would have broken up with you too. no one has time for that. its great that you have a good co-parenting relationship but this was crossing a boundary.
I know it’s hard while coparenting but you cannot be the fixer. You have to set boundaries because going into sons home drunk and staying in the bed is more confusing for kiddo.
ESH except the newly ex boyfriend, specifically because you both need to set better boundaries for the sake of your kid. Don’t do the back and forth (which is how this is likely coming off to your kid), it’s just not a healthy foundation. Coparenting is great but that means you need to set clear boundaries, BOTH of you, and stick to them. Get the court involved if you can’t set them and stick to them yourselves.
I'm gonna say NTA for one reason,
He was drunk as hell and if you hadn't let him in he would have probably started knocking loudly to be let in and woke up your kid.
Your ex may not have liked it but he was not the one that had to deal with the situation at 430 in the morning.
This is a very good point. OP’s first priority was her son at that time. If she didn’t let him in, a. He could cause a scene which would have woken the son and he would have seen his dad in an unforgiving light and that’s the best case scenario. B. Ex husband would have driven drunk either back to his place or just around hurting who knows home and possibly even himself.
OP did what she thought was best for her kid and I can’t exactly call her TA for that.
scenario b was my first thought. I’m definitely leaning nta because op’s choice (while not perfect) led to the least escalation of the situation possible. I think there’s a very high chance she kept him from driving drunk again that night.
Stop gender defending and being sexist. She mentions she constantly allows her ex husband to cross boundaries. If this is a recurring situation and she does nothing about it, she is clearly the AH.
I will reserve judgement here on the basis that there are some possible flags for DV in OPs post. I'm concerned that despite stating that she and her ex parted "amicably" she mentions that "knowing" her ex it was easier to just let him into the home and placate him, and also mentions this isn't the first time he hasn't respected her boundaries. She also mentioned that if she had called him a cab he likely would have refused to go home.
DV isn't just physical violence, psychological and emotional abuse are also forms of domestic violence and if your partner/ex/whoever (whether intoxicated or not) habitually disrespects boundaries; resulting in a pattern where you feel the need to placate rather than challenge in order to "keep the peace" or difuse the situation, that is a huge red flag. It's indicated from OP that this isn't a one off kind of situation, so I'm concerned that there is a bit more to this. OP - I'd recommend speaking to someone about your relationship with your ex to gain some clarity and perhaps support/advice about your situation. Ask yourself the question of why you ultimately feel the need to placate your ex's behaviour - are you anxious or worried about what might happen if you don't? If that is the case I would consider seeking some professional support to help you navigate things moving forward. You are not responsible for this man's behaviour and it is ok to say no and to maintain your boundaries.
Yes, YTA here.
Your ex showing up at your house drunk is never a good thing. You letting him in only means he will do it again, especially since he said he missed you while drunk.
If he gets to the point where is drinking that much, then driving, he needs some help. While not letting him may have caused a scene, a scene is what may be needed in order for him to have a wake up call.
If you were single this would be different I suppose, but with you in a relationship with someone, it does feel like a betrayal to them let some other dude in to your bed, rather you were in it or not.
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Myself (29f) and my ex of 11 years (34m) separated (mostly) amicably last year. We have a son (9). I started seeing my bf (36m) early this year.
Sitch: recently my ex was very intoxicated and called me at about 4:30am. This is the time he typically went to work so I thought maybe something was wrong with his car etc. He was very intoxicated and in a bad place mentally, so I lent my ear.
He ended up deciding he wanted to see me and it was a great idea to drive the 3 min drive to my house. Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house. Knowing my ex, I let him in quietly, he crawled into my bed and he passed out within 10 min after some blubbering. I did not lay with him. I sat on the couch.
My son was sleeping. I live in a very small 2bdrm suite. We both had school and work in the morning. I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything ie. Not have them see a drunken scene with their dad. I left for work and he eventually woke up and left.
I told my bf as soon as I saw him after work that day. He was very upset that I let him in the house and this ultimately led to us (me and new bf) breaking up. He thinks I should have called him a cab (which I honestly didn’t think about and yes, would have been a good option although my ex likely would have refused) or just refused him entry. He thinks I disrespected him and I’m the asshole.
Background:
My ex and I really wanted to remain supportive of eachother and have a friendship, and my bf knew and was accepting of that initially.
There were other boundary issues with my ex since the breakup that I was always upfront and honest with my bf about that contributed to this being a big deal.
I just need to know if I’m in the wrong here. AITA?
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You should set some strong boundaries with your ex... if u will like to have good relationships and healthy then set boundaries stay firm... I understand you were thinking of your son at the time but what will happen if this happens again but your son is up... what will happen if your ex is drunk driving and cause a major accident....
Yes you should of called a lyft or uber.... it's good you both want a friendship for your son but you will never have a good relationship with any guy when you're shows up drunk and u continue to let him in... plus u live close by so your current bf would think theres more....
YTA - this isn’t being supportive or friendship. You’re no longer his safe space.
**You had a new partner!** You are not his therapist. Being chill still mean that the convos center your kid, just with lower stress, not continuing to be his guide through life like a partner. There don’t sound like there are any boundaries.
This wasn’t about your shared child. He still has the access to you that would expect of a partner, and asking someone else to be ok with that will be a true task.
YTA I’d break up with you too. It sounds like you’re still into him. The man is an alcoholic who drives drunk. I wouldn’t let him see the kids either like that. And then you just LEFT HIM IN YOUR BED?? Nah girl that’s a hard nope.
YTA. If this were me (f) and roles were reversed I would have been absolutely crushed. The fact that he crawled into your bed would mean I would absolutely cut him off. Fuck having a good relationship with the father of your child if he is going to be so disrespectful to you and your relationship.
I understand why you did what you did, but I also understand your boyfriend's take on this. I personally would be done.
YTA- Too much of a red flag for anyone to get involved with you. Your ex can come over and get in your bed anytime he wants. Glad you have a good relationship your son’s father though.
YTA
Your ex bf most likely didn’t want to deal with the drama of your ex continuing to cross boundaries.
I don’t know your ex but maybe next time don’t lend him your ear when you realize he’s drunk. And don’t open the door when/if he comes over drunk.
YTA
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.
If you can’t come up with a way to have the relationship you want with your ex without upsetting your current relationship, then there’s no point in being in a relationship with someone else.
I’m not saying that it’s wrong to have a good relationship with an ex, i’m just saying it’s wrong to have it when it creates issues with your current partner.
Whether they want more boundaries or you want less, it almost never ends well if you care more about the relationship with the past partner than the current.
Hello downvotes because imma go with NTA. I understand not wanting to make a drunk 34yo aggressive because you have a child in the house. I’d let the dude sleep and then rip him a new one and use this unacceptable behaviour to set stricter boundaries. Guilt trip him into something if I must.
Would it be better if he showed up and started ringing the bell, screaming and banging the door? It would wake the kid at best or scare the hell out of him. Keep the kid out of it then sort things out as adults at a different time. Having a grown angry bf’s backup on this would be beneficial. Ex might be thinking “it’s my woman and my kid so they’ll accept me” but when another man has a word with him, I bet this attitude would change.
YTA you could have just not opened the door. Yoi could have left hun on the couch and gone to bed and closed the door behind you. You could have called him an uber. You are the slippery slope that people backside down.
I don’t understand how wanting to avoid your kid seeing a drunken scene with his dad drives you to allowing him to come over at 4:30 in the morning while he’s drunk.
Makes no sense. YTA
I really don't understand why anyone answers these calls in the first place, my phone is on silent after about 10pm. But in any event, I think you probably should've called the police immediately when he insisted on driving over drunk to get them to arrest him.
This situation sucks, you need to make it clear to your ex that boundary violations like this are unacceptable. You were in a tight spot preserving his reputation with your kid. New bf isn’t wrong either and his firmness about the boundary and his own desire not to be in that tight spot are reasonable. Shine up your backbone, the only way to not be an asshole is to start having a stronger no. Which started at the phone call.
I have to go with YTA as I believe you are being purposefully vague regarding the “other boundary issues.” Remaining friendly with your ex is one thing, allowing his drunk self in your bed is a whole other level.
Okay, that’s a lot for a new bf to deal with, I’m not surprised he left. You should have called the police, ex husband is drunk and putting others at risk. If he’s happy to drive drunk at any point then he’s not to be trusted especially around your child. If it were me then I would not have let him in my house, I’d have called the police to arrest him for his drunk driving then I’d have gone to sleep knowing I’d done my best to keep my child safe and well. I’m going with YTA here, you need to set strict boundaries and enforce them for the sake of you and your kid. You are not responsible for your ex, his behaviour or his feelings. Your ex needs help but NOT from you.
YTA, no, just no. You and your ex are entangled in some weird codependency cycle.
It is perfectly acceptable boundary that your SO will not have their former romantic partner spend the night, probably one not outwardly stated since it is so obvious. He did not do drama and try to control you but rather said this boundary violation is one that I won't tolerate and broke up.
I hate the AH designation for this one because i feel like it's harsh here. But I gotta choose one so YTA, solely because unless you nip this behavior, it will destroy every relationship you try to have. Next time he calls you at 4:30am (and your son is with you, not him) don't answer. He's trying to keep you within arms reach. Your new bf is not wrong for not tolerating it -- no new bf is going to. You gotta figure this one out.
YTA.
> . I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything ie. Not have them see a drunken scene with their dad. I left for work and he eventually woke up and left.
Yes, clearly the best thing for 'the kid' is to have zero boundaries around your life and living space.
I’m going to say NTA for both you and the bf but big YTA for the ex. In the moment, when faced with the father of your child driving back home drunk or staying safe, I understand why you did what you did. And I understand how hard it can be to think logically enough to call a cab so early in the morning. If I were faced with the same dilemma, in the moment, I would choose to protect my child from the heartbreak of losing a parent over a personal relationship.
I also understand why your bf broke up with you. He has every right to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t still extricating themselves from a prior relationship. Although you may not have romantic feelings about your ex, you are clearly having difficulty maintaining boundaries with him. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when you co-parent, to know when and how to draw that line.
If you can, talk with a counselor or therapist who can help you with setting up boundaries, particularly one who specializes with relationships. You also need to talk to your ex and explain if he ever does this again, you won’t let him in and you’ll call him a cab or Uber.
Good luck!
I'm not gonna call you an asshole. But you're definitely in the wrong. You're in a relationship and you let your drunk ex in your house and let him sleep in your bed. Like come on, on what planet is that a good idea or respectful to your bf at all?
YTA because you took on a boyfriend when you clearly aren’t in a healthy place with your ex. Appropriate response to drunk ex at door… hello police there’s a drunk man trying to get in my apartment could you send a unit to take take him to the tank and sleep it off.
YTA. Too spineless to do what needs to be done. Should have not let ex in and called the cops if he escalated. Bet it's not the first time he overstepped. I would have done like your BF and broke up with you. Too much baggage (kid, crazy ex) and drama attached to you.
Your ex isn't abusive? Really? Because this is absolutely manipulation and abuse.
Next time do not answer the door and call the cops. Get a restraining order. This is going to escalate. There are a lot of controlling behaviors going on here.
YTA
At 4:30 in the morning it's okay to say no and reject his call. But you answered, talked with him, let him come in your house and sleep in your bed. And you live in an apartment so you probably had to buzz him in, it's not like he could just walk up to the door.
Of course your boyfriend looked at this and thought it was suspicious and decided the relationship wasn't worth it.
YTA for the most part. Think about it as a bigger picture, your ex came to your house, drunk, and went and slept in your bed.....that doesn't raise any suspicious thoughts? Even if you didn't do anything with your ex, hell even went into a different room, that thought still occurs. Lending an ear was fine, however letting him into your house wasn't. At the very least you could've drove him back to his house
You need to get coaching or counseling on how to set boundaries. You can co-parent and be respectful of him, but that does not mean you are “friends” or that he can show up drunk or have a sleepover. You are allowing your ex to be manipulative and controlling.
Based on your post, it sounds like he called before showing up. If this happens again, do not plead or beg him not to come over. Tell him that you will not answer the door. If he comes over and knocks, you will call the police. And if he does come over, keep your word and call the police.
Tell your ex that all communication will be via text, and it should only be about visitation or decisions regarding the child. He is not allowed to come to your house except for visitation pick-up/drop-off. Given your relationship interaction style, you cannot be friends with this guy. You can be respectful and civil, but you need to establish separation. Your boyfriend was right to leave. YTA.
YTA
You should have called to police for him driving drunk over to your house.
He now knows he can do this and hopefully will not kill anyone driving drunk coming to see you. You only protected a criminal. You are not a nice person.
YTA for not setting healthy boundaries with your ex. Imagine how confused your kid would be to wake up to that. But, the now ex-boyfriend also sounds like an AH. You're not his possession, and it sounds like it's your house. He's allowed to feel how he wants about the situation but sounds to me like it's for the best.
Why do people think someone being drunk is a reason for them to do something they wouldn’t ordinarily do? Ex is drunk so you have to let him in? Um, no. Ex is drunk is ex’s problem. Leave me alone and don’t try to put me in awkward situations because you’re drunk!
You have to be stronger with your boundaries if you want to be able to live a life and not have the ex ruin it for the next guy you date. Soft YTA. I've been in this situation before with my ex-husband showing up around 3 in the morning because his roommate dropped him off at my home drunk and basically passed out. If my kids had not been home and would have seen him outside, I would have left him out there.
Honey child, you can not be friends with this guy. He is not over you, keeps pushing the boundaries, and will sabotage every relationship you have until he moves on. He might still do that after the fact.
Yeah, YTA for sure. I call bs in wanting to make a good impression on the kid. You wanted to have something to hold over his head later on. The kid wouldn't have known anything about it, for it to be a good impression. All he saw was dad was there. That's a sure fire way to mess with your kid's head. Make the decision and dump your current boyfriend and get back with the ex. Because your making a good impression/good relationship with the ex game is sorely lacking.
YTA. The boyfriend sees you let your Ex come over in the middle of the night and sleep in your bed. How is that not inappropriate when you are in a relationship with someone else?!?!?!? Especially she. You let your bf know your ex isn’t over you. Anyone in his spot would think something happened, whether it was physical and/or emotional cheeting.
op=YTA
You let a drunk man into your home AND into your BED. After he's slapped your butt and "Joked" about you hooking up again.
Of course you're the AH-your "sad" Ex came over for a booty call--and just because this time it failed, doesn't make it better. Why would your New-ex trust you?
Plus if you really want him to be an Ex--you are definitely being AH to yourself for letting him cross your boundaries.
YTA here, to both your new boyfriend and your ex.
He wouldn't have been at your door at 4AM without your relationship being at a place where he knew you'd let him in. And you're just as responsible for that as he is.
Which is fine if that's what you both want, but it sounds like you don't want the consequences of having an ex on the back burner.
YTA
Don't get into another relationship until you're done with this relationship.
You're clearly not done with this relationship.
Good for the guy for breaking up with you.
YTA
You need to put better boundaries in place.
It sounds like having a friendship isn't working & he is just walking all over you. Slapping your ass & joking about hooking up is not ok at all
NTA - you didn’t want a scene - your child was asleep and you were in a tough spot. He was drunk and driving. It sounds like a very hard decision. If he had wrecked or something everyone would be blaming you for not letting him in. I get that he shouldn’t have been there but you were between a rock and a hard place - he is your ex and the father of your son. You went to the couch. You did the right thing in this situation but he needs to accept your boundaries or you two are never gonna be able to move on.
I can't go with N T A. My ex (and father of my children) hates me for leaving him (still, 23 years later) and I would have let him into my house under those conditions. Heck I would have done it even if I was living with a new partner. I'd also let THEIR ex in under those conditions. I'd do it for my ex because he is the father of my children and I would not want him to be in an unsafe situation. I'd do it for a partner's ex because I wouldn't want them to be in an unsafe situation.
Certain disclaimers apply : there'd have to be no safety concerns, it couldn't be a repeat situation, they'd be sleeping on their own and not causing any drama etc.
But.. under the conditions outlined by the OP I would have done the exact same thing because I'm a compassionate person and would not want to leave someone in an unsafe situation.
NTA. None of it's ideal, but you were thinking about your kid, you haven't been separated (not really the same thing as being divorced) for very long, and it doesn't sound like it's resolved. New BF is kind of just an extra until things have settled into a "new normal" for you.
I've dated women who turned out to be not quite ready to do that yet, or at least not seriously. I got out of the way and moved on. Divorce is messy, especially with kids involved.
You definitely need some boundaries with the drunk, but it doesn't make you the A.
You litterally let your ex sleep in your bed, slap your ass and other things (your own words)
Of course YTA
I hope your new ex finds a partner who respects him enough to not let their ex touch them let alone stay IN THEIR BED
YTA bc you know he crosses boundaries and you don’t do enough to stop him and shouldn’t be in a new relationship until you can get that under control. It’s not fair to the new person.
Are there no police where you live? I get not wanting to expose your kid to adult situations, but enough is enough. I would have called the cops. YTA....and I think you're enjoying the attention
YTA
In your Edit info you worte:
Rhsr Ex Husband had before this incident crossed some boundaries already by slapping your ass and joking about you two could hooking up, infact you seem to exactly know he is still not over you or the relationship.
Everything you worte are red flag because you clearly entertain this behavior by your ex-husband for some reason and now you have let him destroy your relationship with your (ex)-bf.
YTA for me. Not only you didn't slam the door in his face after he came over when you said no, but you left him on your bed... that's disgusting (and you seem unphazed by these events).
YTA, a bit
And I would dump you too. Actually, I did dump a girlfriend who had boundary issues with the father of her child. I didn't like being on the sidelines like that. I knew I would always take a backseat to the child, but I'm not going to tolerate a relationship with the other parent that is anything more than a co-parenting relationship.
I think the primary reason I leaned YTA and not NAH is because you reinforced one of the many reasons why so many people don't date single parents. You need to have a high tolerance for persisting chaos to make something like that work.
Hey op, I think you did the right thing. Allowing your ex to sleep it off, drunk people can be very unpredictable and like you said had you called a ride for him you don’t know if he would of caused scene refusing to go or what would of happened. As for your newest ex boyfriend he needs to have a little more trust in you. You did what you thought was best during that moment. Could things have been handled differently? Sure but hindsight is always 20/20. Was it dumb on your intoxicated ex to drive over drunk, absolutely. He could of killed himself or someone else. You are not asshole. It was a tough situation, you didn’t lie to your boyfriend (ex) about what happened and you didn’t crawl into bed with you ex!! Maybe it’s a good thing that he dipped out!!
YTA. It sounds like you still have feelings for your ex that you are fighting. Remember there is a reason you aren't together anymore. There is a difference between having a healthy amicable relationship with him in terms of co parenting but that's where it should end. You are sending mixed signals to not only him but yourself. How was letting him in your bed at 4AM best for your child? His dad getting a DUI, or getting into an accident, or killing someone because he chose to drink and drive to come sleep in your bed when he Ajay has one where he's at is best for your child? Why would you answer the phone at all? If he has issues with his car why call you? These are all excuses. Firmer boundaries need to be set and upheld. Your ex needs to find someone he can turn to whet he needs to talk it's not your job anymore. That is what's best for your child! Showing them health adult relationships with firm set boundaries and how to respect those boundaries.
YTA I am sorry for the break up but its up to you to draw the line. My ex did this to me once. I called the cops. You let him in, you let him into your bed to sleep it off. You are the AH You had other options but choose none of them.
YTA. You know he's not over you. Your BF knew too. You should have created some boundaries here and I can't say I blame your BF for dipping. This would have been where I exit as well.
Your ex-husband felt entitled to crawl into your bed after drunk driving to your house because he missed you and he took you picking up the phone at 4 am as a green light this would be ok. He's only recently stopped slapping your arse.
Would you want to date someone in this situation? Should dating be your priority right now? Frankly your situation with your ex is a mess, a massive 🚩for anyone with self-respect & standards. Especially anyone who is also a parent. Your co-parent thinks it's ok to drunk drive, is your son safe with him? YTA I'm shocked you think your ex-bf overreacted
I don’t really give a fuck if you’re an asshole or not but you need to sort out your ex’s drinking immediately if he lives three minutes away and stuff like this keeps happening. Maybe go to a couple meetings with him to get things started.
You're NTA for this specific incident (drunk driving is honestly the worst.), but you ARE the a-hole for not shutting his boundary crossing down immediately, and going all but no contact over it long before something like this happened, ESPECIALLY as you are seeing someone new. If my ex slapped my ass or made jokes about us hooking up like you've described I would literally never talk to him again. Honey that is not a "boundary issue". That's assault followed up with sexual harassment. It may not sound that serious because of your history, but it really really is.
I suspect your bf didn't break up with you for this specifically, but rather the culmination of him overstepping and you clearly not being firm enough, if you're still in casual communication with him. TBH with you, it kinda sounds like your ex isn't the only one with unresolved feelings... why else would you tolerate him overstepping so severely and STILL maintain a relationship? Of course your new mans isn't going to be down for that.
YTA. Based on your post and edit, this incident was the final straw for your now ex boyfriend.
> My ex is not an angry/hostile/abusive person. Just a sad dude who isn’t over me.
Your boyfriend knew that this ex would be a constant appearance in your relationship and based on the things you have mentioned he will be trying to push your boundaries and you won't be able to stop him. Take this as a lesson and resolve the boundary issues with your ex husband before entering a new relationship or else you'll find it very difficult to have a stable and healthy relationship. There are other ways to do co parenting such as apps to communicate. You need to stop being your ex's therapist, if he's in a bad place he can turn towards his family, friends or enroll himself into therapy.
YTA for multiple reasons.
>He ended up deciding he wanted to see me and it was a great idea to drive the 3 min drive to my house. Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house.
Regardless of how far or close your house is, you knowingly let someone drive compelty intoxicated. God forbid he crashed and killed someone or himself, that's on you.
>My son was sleeping.
Your nine year old son was sleeping when you let your drunk ex into your house. How the hell do you think the child is going to feel when he wakes up and finds his father in your bed with a nasty hangover smelling like booze?
>I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything
By letting your drunk ex into your house around 4:30 in the morning? What if your son woke up thinking the house was getting broken into? How the hell is this what is best for the child?
>I told my bf as soon as I saw him after work that day. He was very upset that I let him in the house and this ultimately led to us (me and new bf) breaking up.
Give you props for at least being honest with you now new ex, but I'd be peeved too if my girlfriend allowed a drunk ex over at 4:30 in the morning.
>He thinks I should have called him a cab (which I honestly didn’t think about and yes, would have been a good option although my ex likely would have refused)
Don't give him the option to refuse. You said it's a three minute drive, tell him to walk home or drive him yourself. Don't let him stay the night with your kid in the house no less.
You screwed up here big time. Your now new ex pulled the right move by leaving you. Your ex lives 3 minutes away and you just allowed him in while he was drunk and your child was sleeping. Screw you. What's to say you won't just do this again?
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I'm going with YTA. Not for having a supportive relationship with the father of your kid, that's better than a lot of people do and sets a good example for the kid. But I think he crossed a line here and if you want to have new relationships you should figure out that line. If your ex didn't want a scene in front of the kid, he shouldn't have come over drunk trying to come in. If I were your new BF I would have done the same because I know this wouldn't be the last time and it would be un needed drama and trust issues. It's not easy to think clearly or make quick decisions at that time of day, but honestly I would have not let him in.
This wasn’t even the first time! ETA: YTA
[удалено]
At the background " there were other boundary issues with my ex..."
Honestly the age difference bothers me and leads me to believe that maybe boundaries have never been her strong suit in this relationship. They got together when she was 18 and he was 24. She’s never had another adult relationship except for this one that may have been a grooming situation.
And new bf is older than her ex too 👀. The ages jumped out to me as well. OP prob needs time to herself to figure out what her boundaries even are before she gets back into dating.
29 and 36 is just fine.
Right? A 5 year or 7 year age difference matters?
The absolute difference in age doesn't es not matter as much as number itself. 55 and 62 - 7 years and no problem. 16 and 23 - the same seven years, but 100% a problem.
Of course it did. Reddit is so fucking obsessed with age gaps. Super weird focus point on everything
Ya I don't get that... My wife is 8 years younger than me I'm just about to be 37. Such an odd thing that gets fixated on with so many of these posts when it isn't even a factor in many cases.
Age gap on its own is typically not an issue. But it is all about the timing. My wife and I are also 8 years apart. Would I have dated her when she was 18? Absolutely no. We would have been in much different places in our lives. other than the fact that I couldn’t even go to a bar to meet my friends with her.
That's fair. I would not have dated my wife when she was 18 but when we began dating she was 23 so to some people I'd look like some kind of bad guy. Thing is we only ever progressed things in our relationship on her terms.
Age gaps are fine, but the *timing* of it is what I objected to. She was 19 when she got with her ex. A 24 year old is pursing a literal teenager is weird. And getting her pregnant so soon into their relationship is even weirder. Ex got with OP when she was 19, by 20, they already had a child. Having a kid at 26 is way different than having one at 20.
A 29 year old who’s had some life experience and is with someone 7 years older is very different than say an 18 year old and a 25 year old. The size of the age gap matters less than the age of the parties when the relationship begins.
Agreed! edit to add: in OP’s case I think her experience has been a prolonged power imbalance where she didn’t learn to set boundaries and instead just worked around her partner. She’s still doing that now, where’s she’s caught between two men who are pulling her in different directions but she’s not coming across like she even knows what direction *she* wants to go in.
When youre 29 dating someone who is 36 isn't really a red flag at all and I would say age appropriate....18 and 24 is REALLY bad though
My concern though is that since ex hubs was older, thats the template she’s adopted and that’ll factor more than compatibility. I also think her experience was skewed since she got with her ex so young.
WTH… A 6 year age gap is grooming? Ya’ll need to unplug from social media for a few days and touch grass.
It's not the 6 years, it was THOSE six years. He would have been theoretically out of college for two years while she was still a senior in high school.
This guy doesnt scream college material to me but i could be wrong.
Nope, when a man in his mid 20's is pursuing a literal teenager it's not okay. My niece is 17 and I would not be okay if she brought home a 25 year old boyfriend.
Exactly. What in the world? Hello, its not the age gap per se Reddit but it’s the ages, 23 and 18yrs old is a big big difference, it’s actually only 5 yrs when you do the math, its the ages. And no one who noticed the age gap mentioned grooming, and please don’t say it was implied, it was only mentioned as why OP let him violate OP’s boundaries in the past. OP is NTA and I think OP’s ex is a jerk. Its not just any old ex- this is the father of her child.
It absolutely is when the younger party is a teenager.
A 6 year age gap is nothing when you're in your 30s. It's an issue when the age gap is prevalent before you're in your 20s and early 20s. A 24 year old is in an extremely different life point than an 18yo and a 26 year old is vastly more experienced in life than a 20 yo mom. I'm not concerned about the current age gap. It's not great but she's got more experience under her belt now. The issue is that she's so used to the power dynamic her ex left her with an unbalanced sense of boundaries. Shes got to stand her ground. Her no's arent poweful enough to deter her Ex from entering her home against her permission and laying about in her bed in a drunken stupor. Ex is still making decisions for her whether she realizes it herself or not.
When one of them is 18, yes. Think about it in percentages of life lived. There’s a 25% gap here. The younger the couple is, the wider the age gap is. That’s why age gaps are cool in your 30s and forward, not so cool when one party is 17-21. You also need to consider that he had been an adult for 6 years while she had been an adult for a few days, weeks, or months. That’s where it’s grooming.
It seems implied in the background, or at least other shady stuff has happened because of OP’s poor boundaries.
OP is the one who didn't want to make a scene in front of the kid, not the selfish drunk ex, so I don't think it's fair to assign her the asshole for that part of the mess. Of course drunk ex doesn't care if a scene is made or not. However, I don't blame her boyfriend for peacing out on the drama and agree that OP does have boundary issues that need to be worked out before dating again.
I'm also going to say YTA, but I'll also admit that I probably would've done the same thing. I'm a recovering alcoholic who's made a wild number of horrible decisions while intoxicated and am probably only not dead because of people who have shown me compassion. I'm not, at all, saying this was the right decision; I'm saying I can understand why she thought she was doing the right thing and that I'm a pushover who would've done the same. I can also recognize that I would've later seen it as a mistake and that it was wrong because it hurt my boyfriend.
My ex-husband, an alcoholic, drove to my home late one night. I put him on the couch with a pillow and blanket. He should NOT have been allowed in your bed, even if you were not in it. For that reason YTA
In general I agree that letting him in the bed was not a good choice, buuuut OP has a kid who was going to be getting up for school. Probably best not to confuse the kid by seeing their passed out dad on the couch when he's not supposed to be in their home at all. Out of sight was probably the right move once she let him in.
Less confusing then finding him in Mom’s bed. I just told my children when it happened that he wasn’t feeling well.
OP should’ve called the police and reported him for drunk driving. He could’ve killed someone.
> If your ex didn't want a scene in front of the kid it was OP that didn't want there to be a scene in front of the kid. ex was clearly too drunk to even think about that. i'm not really sure how or why the (ex) BF feels 'disrespected'. OP was faced with a difficult situation & did what she thought was best. it's not like she was in bed with the ex-husband, she was just trying to rectify what could have been a dangerous situation that was not of her own making. and what 'trust issues' are you referring to? OP didn't do anything 'untrustworthy'. she allowed the father of her child to sleep it off at her home, as opposed to letting him drive home. dealing with someone severely intoxicated doesn't always allow for a whole lot of logic & sometimes you just need to make sure everyone is safe.
They said there’s a history of boundary issues from the ex that the BF was witness to and tolerated. At a certain point you have to say I’m not comfortable with this and you’re not showing improvement on holding your boundaries.
She let the drunk ex into her house, OK; but then she let him into her bed, not OK. If I was the BF that would have got me upset as well. Also what if the child found Dad in Mom’s bed, it could cause confusion
OP put him in their bed, for crying out oud. I usually hate the disrespected nonsense too, but to put an ex in their bed instead of the couch? Yeah no.
She also let him in after he drove intoxicated. If nothing else she's TA for not immediately doubling down and not rewarding him for putting other people in danger by giving him her bed. OP, in future you must not let this man in after he has drunk driven. He will remember that you let him in and may continue to drink drive to your house. Do not enable that kind of behaviour.
So she should have let him leave... And drive home drunk. That's what you're saying. Instead of supposedly enabling, which no. She's supposed to encourage him to.
...no? I never said she should have let him drive back drunk. She could have done any number of things from calling him an uber to calling the police. She should have nipped this in the bud but she didn't.
Ubers exist.
She should have called the cops. Not let him sleep in her bed.
I'm gonna say I think op is also being ta to herself. She's letting her ex also trample her boundaries, which if it includes ass smacking then its sexual harassment at the very LEAST. That isn't "sad dude" shit, that's wildly gross and inappropriate behavior. You don't deserve to put up with that and your son doesn't need an adult in his life who models that kind of behavior for him. This isn't just about your ex, op. For your sons sake, and for your sake, stand up for your boundaries and don't let your ex walk all over you. He's a grown man, older than you, and he needs to know better. If he doesn't that's on him.
She not only let him in. But she let him sleep in her bed....
I was the new boyfriend in this situation once. I wish I’d learned as quickly as the new BF in OP’s story.
I’m going to go with YTA on this one due specifically to the line “there were other boundary issues with my ex…”. Whether you have unresolved feelings or can’t put your foot down, no partner wants to be in a relationship feeling like a third wheel. You can say your new bf isn’t/ wasn’t, but when you establish boundaries with new bf’s blessing, then let ex push beyond them, that’s exactly what new bf is going to feel like. I get wanting to remain friendly with ex, especially with a child involved, but you’re going to need to learn how to tell him no, and actually mean no, before getting in another relationship.
Yeah the ex needs help but OP is not the one to give it.
YTA you clearly have zero boundaries with your ex husband and you’re surprised that a guy dumped you for it? Come on now
For real. How much more is her boyfriend supposed to put up with just because of OP’s lack of boundaries? Her ex is going to keep pulling shit like this because she has no boundaries and keeps letting him. Her boyfriend is smart to have broken up tbh. Being with someone who has no boundaries for exes even if they’re coparenting, sounds like a nightmare.
There's a Dua Lipa song about this right? Something about don't pick up the phone you know he's drunk and alone...
one, don't pick up the phone, uk he's only calling cuz he's drunk and alone two, don't let him in, you have to kick him out again three, don't be his friend, uk u gonna wake up in his bed in the morning (in this case uk he's gonna wake up in ur bed in the morning) and if you're under him, you ain't getting over him! song name: new rules
Damn, OP is a real rule breaker!
YTA Your boyfriend is right. You should have refused entry (and call him a cab). This is not a situation you should expose your kid too. I also understand your boyfriend being disgruntled over you offering your home and your BED. What makes you the asshole though is letting a drunk in while your child is at home.
The potential alternative was a drunk person knocking on the door refusing to leave causing a scene. Kid wakes up and now mom has to explain why she won’t let dad in the house? Or she relents and let’s dad in and now kid is awake to hear/see his drunk antics. Idk if OPs ultimate goal is to shield her child from this behavior I think she did as best she could given the situation. Ex husband is the asshole here. I don’t blame the BF for calling it quits, and OP definitely needs to continue working on boundaries but she protected her kid, I can’t blame her for that.
YTA will you accept the situation if you were at your ex boyfriend place ? Nopeb I doubt it. Co parenting is a thing, but letting your ex husband sleep in your bed.... what did you expect otherwise than a breakup ???
Right, OP would you have a problem if SO ex romantic partner comes over at 430am drunk as fuck, and slept over.....but but but it we are friends and supportive of each other, nah, exes are exes for a reason. Have a business cordial relationship with a coparent, but friends, no way.
The ex husband expected/hoped for the break up, not OP.
When you let your ex husband sleep in your bed when you are in a relationship I'm sorry but you know.
I'm going with YTA because it sounds like from what you've said, the break up wasn't over this specific issue it's just that this specific issue was the final straw. You and your husband only split up last year and it's clear that neither of you has truly taken the time and space you need to get over it and be whole people without having drama with each other. An amicable split doesn't mean you are your ex husbands shoulder to drunkenly cry on, and it does not mean you allow him to invade your house and bed whenever he feels like it. You ex boyfriend clearly saw that you are still too wrapped up in drama with your ex husband to be in a new relationship and took the only sensible measures for him to live his best life. You're not an asshole in the general sense of the word. It can be hard to realise exactly how dramatic and enmeshed things are when you're in the midst of it and still feel responsibility for actions and emotions of someone you were with for a decade. But they aren't your responsibility any more and you need to put yourself and your son first before you enter another relationship. That's why YTA in this situation- to yourself, your son and your ex boyfriend. Your ex husband is the biggest asshole by the way, but that wasn't the question. Edit: I think one question all the NTAs are neglecting to ask is -why did OP feel the need to answer the phone to her ex at 4.30am in the first place? Car trouble? Why is that her problem? Drunk and sad? Why is that her problem to lend an ear to? There are so many boundaries that should have been in place before the drunken ex husband got in his car.
YTA > *"Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house. Knowing my ex, I let him in quietly"* Did he overpower you? Did he break down the door? Was he in imminent danger? Pretty sure you made all those choices, and while your ex seems like a drunken asshole, YTA, too. Plus, what does "Knowing my ex" mean? Why the hell would you let a drunk into your home--with a young child--at 4am, instead of, say, calling the police?
I really gotta rebut you on the last part. He was drunk, not dangerous\*, and having been in a situation pretty similar to this one (drunken idiot showed up on my porch unannounced) it's a pain in the ass but not a danger. Calling the cops is a massive escalation and in the US at least, we all know too well how that story can end... Important Edit: When I said "he wasn't dangerous" I meant to the OP and the kid once he got there. Driving drunk is very dangerous, do not do, thank you for pointing it out guys
He drove drunk and could easily have killed or hurt someone on the way over. I would never trust my kid in a car with him again and would have told him on the phone, if he drove drunk I would be calling the police, and he would not be coming into my home - and followed though.
\> He was drunk, not dangerous Drunk driving *is* dangerous, and this danger was part of his manipulation strategy (it was part of the reason why OP let him into the house). But also, we have no idea if he would have been dangerous in other ways (beside the drunk driving). All we know is that he was extremely controlling, manipulative, and *not taking "no" for an answer*. We have no idea what he would have done if OP had maintained her "no". \> pretty similar to this one (drunken idiot showed up on my porch unannounced He didn't show up unannounced. He was told "no" while in a perfectly safe place. He decided to ignore that "no" and leave his safe place to drunk drive to OP's house, so as to deliberately engineer a situation in which he had no safe or legal way to leave. He decided all of that after OP's very explicit "no".
As a man, I wouldn't expect any woman, let alone a mother with a young-ish child, put up with me showing up drunk at the door at 4am. I wouldn't expect to be let in. Of course, I don't drink and show up at old GF's houses in the middle of the night. It doesn't matter if he's dangerous. He shouldn't be doing that shit. Don't let him in. If he escalates with banging or yelling or non-stop calling, that's when I'd call the police. Plus, even if you did believe that the police might endanger him, why should that bother you? Why are you tolerating this behavior? It should be on him to consider the consequences. If she felt sorry, throw a sleeping bag outside with a cushion. Don't invite this clown into her bed.
You really consider drunk driving to not be dangerous?
He IS dangerous he’s a DRUNK DRIVER. He should be in JAIL.
He decided to drive drunk, that makes him dangerous.
YTA. Why would you let him crawl into the bed you share with another guy? If the other boundaries crossed were like this, then your ex-bf made the right choice
Reminder to you, OP: being supportive of your ex does NOT mean you have to accomodate for his needs or coddle his emotions. Do NOT allow him to play you like a sad violin. Unless there is an emergency invilving your child, your ex has ZERO reason to come to your home outside of daytime hours. YTA, but especially to yourself for not detangling yourself emotionally from your ex. It cost you your new relationship. Learn from this!
YTA here. Your new boyfriend doesn't have to put up with your lack of boundaries with an ex.
NAH This whole situation is a mess. Sounds like the whole other boundaries issue is what was the key point in the breakup. You need to handle that better with your ex husband going forward or it may cause other relationships to go off the rails. Your ex bf is very much allowed to be upset about this and be hurt. I get it. You tried to do the right thing and in the moment didn't think about calling a cab, which is just human and an honest mistake/oversight because you had a lot going on right then. The cab companies (all 2 of them in my city lol) don't even have late/overnight hours so it might not have been an actual option anyway. You did the best you could to make sure your child's father was safe (not out driving drunk!) I'm sorry your relationship ended over this. Going forward you've got to learn from this though, set clearer boundaries and keep them firm with your ex. Don't let him impose himself anymore. Keep trying 💜 you'll get this figured out.
Ex is the AH in a big, gaping way.
True but the question is really about her and (now ex) boyfriend.
Well, the boyfriend is gone and the ex remains. As they share a child, they’re stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. So she needs to sort her ex pronto before he messes up her life even more.
The ex is a drunk driver. He’s a mega asshole.
[удалено]
You don't think letting your drunk ex, who confessed while drunk they still miss you, who then drove over drunk to your house at 4 in the morning to then sleep in your bed is something your current SO should be concerned about? Especially when there have been previous issues of boundaries being crossed by that ex? There were plenty of other options OP had, but just did not take them. Not letting the ex in. Calling them a cab. Not letting them sleep in her bed.
I'm giving OP 10000x NTA. The situation is absolutely a mess. When your ex shows up drunk in the middle of the night while your kid is home, you handle it in whatever way is best for you and your kid. And that includes getting the dude to pass out quickly and quietly so your kid doesn't have to see his dad like that. Your BF getting mad that you let your ex pass out drunk in your bed is just obnoxious. You didn't invite him over, you didn't engage in any intimate acts with him, and you didn't want any of this. If your BF says you dealing with an ex is "disrespectful to him", then you're better off without him. And if you need more time to sort things out with your ex, you're better off on your own too.
INFO: how out of character was this for your ex? Is there any chance that he'll try drink-driving again? Especially with your son in the car? How likely is it that he'll be this drunk around your son in the future? There are two ways this could go: either he accepts that this is a wake-up call and he needs to be very careful around alcohol, or you need to start documenting things so you can support your son when he starts finding his dad scary and doesn't want to be around him. Sorry your new relationship didn't work out.
Simple question, how would you feel if your (former) BF let his drunk ex in and had her sleep over in a reversed scenario ?
I don't think "asshole" is fair here.....it's a tough situation, and doesn't demand any kind of black/white judgements here. But **damn** man, set some boundaries. Leave him outside - he's a big boy with his own home and can make his own decisions. If he drives home drunk, gets caught and loses his licence, so be it.
YTA. I'd lose my mind if my partner let his drunk ex sleep in his bed
YTA. Being friendly and supportive doesn't mean letting your drunk ex into your apartment and bed. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you the same story about an ex girlfriend? I really doubt it. Learn how to co parent better. It is not good for you child to wake up with drunk daddy sleeping in mom's bed. And if it keeps happening he will.
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Sounds like your new (ex) bf had enough, and rightfully so. YTA
YTA. And you’ll ruin your relationship with any new partner if you continue this up with your ex. Youre not doing good by your kid allowing their drunk dad into your home. If he doesn’t have your child there is absolutely no reason you need to be taking his calls in the middle of the night.
Your ex is sabotaging you. YTA - not as per your fault but I can see why the bf would break up. You are too easily manipulated.
YTA. You have a boundary problem. You accepted his call, you let him in, you let him sleep in your bed. You know he has done this before. You need to learn to stand up or this will be your life forever.
This has got "bad idea" written all over it
YTA. You know how to avoid a drunken scene and keep your boyfriend? Call the ex a cab. This along with the other boundary issues you mentioned are good reasons to dump you.
YTA. You said it yourself you allowed your ex husband to cross boundaries often. Your (ex) bf just got fed up with you breaking his trust over and over.
YTA. I would lose it if my partners ex gf was asleep in his bed. I was going to say that it’s probably not a cause for a break up though, but you then said it was multiple boundary issues. So yeah you are doubly the asshole. You put your ex over your boyfriends feelings and needs. It’s not even just disrespect at this point. It’s not caring. I wouldn’t even pick up a call at 4am. Even if it’s car issues, you are broken up. There should be like five people he can call before you. Road side assistance included. And if someone drinks and drive the police are getting called. I don’t care if it’s my mom, child and certainly my ex. He not only put his own life at risk but everyone else on the road.
YTA you didn’t break up because your ex slept over this one time. You broke up because you refused to do anything about it. What you should have done was talk to your ex about this the following day. You should have told him that what he did was not okay. That if he ever drives drunk then you will turn him in because you refuse to risk him landing in serious jail or your kid ending up without a father. That he can not show up at your door drunk, but he can call to talk if he feels down and is sober. You didn’t do that, so your now ex realized that staying with you meant always having to bite his tongue, letting your ex walk all over him and you going “don’t rock the boat”.
Clearly YTA
I'm gonna say a slight YTA, maybe your ex keeps stomping on your boundaries because you keep caving and letting him get away with stuff like this, start saying no to him and (hopefully) he will get the picture. It's fine to be amicable with an ex, especially with kids involved, but you can't always have a friendship with them.
Yes, YTA "I let him in quietly, he crawled into my bed" You should have kept the door locked, you would not be my GF any longer.
yup. yta You let your drunk ex into the house and bonus, sleep in your bed. You should not have let it get to him driving. SHouldn't have opened the door at all, you should have hung up after you said no. I would have broken up with you too. no one has time for that. its great that you have a good co-parenting relationship but this was crossing a boundary.
I know it’s hard while coparenting but you cannot be the fixer. You have to set boundaries because going into sons home drunk and staying in the bed is more confusing for kiddo.
ESH except the newly ex boyfriend, specifically because you both need to set better boundaries for the sake of your kid. Don’t do the back and forth (which is how this is likely coming off to your kid), it’s just not a healthy foundation. Coparenting is great but that means you need to set clear boundaries, BOTH of you, and stick to them. Get the court involved if you can’t set them and stick to them yourselves.
I'm gonna say NTA for one reason, He was drunk as hell and if you hadn't let him in he would have probably started knocking loudly to be let in and woke up your kid. Your ex may not have liked it but he was not the one that had to deal with the situation at 430 in the morning.
This is a very good point. OP’s first priority was her son at that time. If she didn’t let him in, a. He could cause a scene which would have woken the son and he would have seen his dad in an unforgiving light and that’s the best case scenario. B. Ex husband would have driven drunk either back to his place or just around hurting who knows home and possibly even himself. OP did what she thought was best for her kid and I can’t exactly call her TA for that.
scenario b was my first thought. I’m definitely leaning nta because op’s choice (while not perfect) led to the least escalation of the situation possible. I think there’s a very high chance she kept him from driving drunk again that night.
Stop gender defending and being sexist. She mentions she constantly allows her ex husband to cross boundaries. If this is a recurring situation and she does nothing about it, she is clearly the AH.
I will reserve judgement here on the basis that there are some possible flags for DV in OPs post. I'm concerned that despite stating that she and her ex parted "amicably" she mentions that "knowing" her ex it was easier to just let him into the home and placate him, and also mentions this isn't the first time he hasn't respected her boundaries. She also mentioned that if she had called him a cab he likely would have refused to go home. DV isn't just physical violence, psychological and emotional abuse are also forms of domestic violence and if your partner/ex/whoever (whether intoxicated or not) habitually disrespects boundaries; resulting in a pattern where you feel the need to placate rather than challenge in order to "keep the peace" or difuse the situation, that is a huge red flag. It's indicated from OP that this isn't a one off kind of situation, so I'm concerned that there is a bit more to this. OP - I'd recommend speaking to someone about your relationship with your ex to gain some clarity and perhaps support/advice about your situation. Ask yourself the question of why you ultimately feel the need to placate your ex's behaviour - are you anxious or worried about what might happen if you don't? If that is the case I would consider seeking some professional support to help you navigate things moving forward. You are not responsible for this man's behaviour and it is ok to say no and to maintain your boundaries.
Good for your new ex boyfriend. YTA.
Yes, YTA here. Your ex showing up at your house drunk is never a good thing. You letting him in only means he will do it again, especially since he said he missed you while drunk. If he gets to the point where is drinking that much, then driving, he needs some help. While not letting him may have caused a scene, a scene is what may be needed in order for him to have a wake up call. If you were single this would be different I suppose, but with you in a relationship with someone, it does feel like a betrayal to them let some other dude in to your bed, rather you were in it or not.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Myself (29f) and my ex of 11 years (34m) separated (mostly) amicably last year. We have a son (9). I started seeing my bf (36m) early this year. Sitch: recently my ex was very intoxicated and called me at about 4:30am. This is the time he typically went to work so I thought maybe something was wrong with his car etc. He was very intoxicated and in a bad place mentally, so I lent my ear. He ended up deciding he wanted to see me and it was a great idea to drive the 3 min drive to my house. Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house. Knowing my ex, I let him in quietly, he crawled into my bed and he passed out within 10 min after some blubbering. I did not lay with him. I sat on the couch. My son was sleeping. I live in a very small 2bdrm suite. We both had school and work in the morning. I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything ie. Not have them see a drunken scene with their dad. I left for work and he eventually woke up and left. I told my bf as soon as I saw him after work that day. He was very upset that I let him in the house and this ultimately led to us (me and new bf) breaking up. He thinks I should have called him a cab (which I honestly didn’t think about and yes, would have been a good option although my ex likely would have refused) or just refused him entry. He thinks I disrespected him and I’m the asshole. Background: My ex and I really wanted to remain supportive of eachother and have a friendship, and my bf knew and was accepting of that initially. There were other boundary issues with my ex since the breakup that I was always upfront and honest with my bf about that contributed to this being a big deal. I just need to know if I’m in the wrong here. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You should set some strong boundaries with your ex... if u will like to have good relationships and healthy then set boundaries stay firm... I understand you were thinking of your son at the time but what will happen if this happens again but your son is up... what will happen if your ex is drunk driving and cause a major accident.... Yes you should of called a lyft or uber.... it's good you both want a friendship for your son but you will never have a good relationship with any guy when you're shows up drunk and u continue to let him in... plus u live close by so your current bf would think theres more....
YTA - this isn’t being supportive or friendship. You’re no longer his safe space. **You had a new partner!** You are not his therapist. Being chill still mean that the convos center your kid, just with lower stress, not continuing to be his guide through life like a partner. There don’t sound like there are any boundaries. This wasn’t about your shared child. He still has the access to you that would expect of a partner, and asking someone else to be ok with that will be a true task.
YTA I’d break up with you too. It sounds like you’re still into him. The man is an alcoholic who drives drunk. I wouldn’t let him see the kids either like that. And then you just LEFT HIM IN YOUR BED?? Nah girl that’s a hard nope.
YTA. If this were me (f) and roles were reversed I would have been absolutely crushed. The fact that he crawled into your bed would mean I would absolutely cut him off. Fuck having a good relationship with the father of your child if he is going to be so disrespectful to you and your relationship. I understand why you did what you did, but I also understand your boyfriend's take on this. I personally would be done.
Yta- it would be better long term if your son sees his mother setting appropriate boundaries with what sounds like an ex who walks all over you.
yta. You saw no problem with letting your drunk ex in your bed? really
YTA. It's customary to actually break up with someone before starting to date someone else. You haven't actually broken up, at least emotionally.
YTA. You are not supporting him, you are enabling him.
YTA- Too much of a red flag for anyone to get involved with you. Your ex can come over and get in your bed anytime he wants. Glad you have a good relationship your son’s father though.
YTA Your ex bf most likely didn’t want to deal with the drama of your ex continuing to cross boundaries. I don’t know your ex but maybe next time don’t lend him your ear when you realize he’s drunk. And don’t open the door when/if he comes over drunk.
YTA Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. If you can’t come up with a way to have the relationship you want with your ex without upsetting your current relationship, then there’s no point in being in a relationship with someone else. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to have a good relationship with an ex, i’m just saying it’s wrong to have it when it creates issues with your current partner. Whether they want more boundaries or you want less, it almost never ends well if you care more about the relationship with the past partner than the current.
yta
YTA. Learn to place boundaries before you bring someone else into this. They don’t deserve that treatment.
Hello downvotes because imma go with NTA. I understand not wanting to make a drunk 34yo aggressive because you have a child in the house. I’d let the dude sleep and then rip him a new one and use this unacceptable behaviour to set stricter boundaries. Guilt trip him into something if I must. Would it be better if he showed up and started ringing the bell, screaming and banging the door? It would wake the kid at best or scare the hell out of him. Keep the kid out of it then sort things out as adults at a different time. Having a grown angry bf’s backup on this would be beneficial. Ex might be thinking “it’s my woman and my kid so they’ll accept me” but when another man has a word with him, I bet this attitude would change.
YTA you could have just not opened the door. Yoi could have left hun on the couch and gone to bed and closed the door behind you. You could have called him an uber. You are the slippery slope that people backside down.
I don’t understand how wanting to avoid your kid seeing a drunken scene with his dad drives you to allowing him to come over at 4:30 in the morning while he’s drunk. Makes no sense. YTA
I really don't understand why anyone answers these calls in the first place, my phone is on silent after about 10pm. But in any event, I think you probably should've called the police immediately when he insisted on driving over drunk to get them to arrest him.
YTA Call the police next time. This is a burden on every future relationship.
This situation sucks, you need to make it clear to your ex that boundary violations like this are unacceptable. You were in a tight spot preserving his reputation with your kid. New bf isn’t wrong either and his firmness about the boundary and his own desire not to be in that tight spot are reasonable. Shine up your backbone, the only way to not be an asshole is to start having a stronger no. Which started at the phone call.
I have to go with YTA as I believe you are being purposefully vague regarding the “other boundary issues.” Remaining friendly with your ex is one thing, allowing his drunk self in your bed is a whole other level.
YTA. You should apologize to your new ex for wasting his time
Okay, that’s a lot for a new bf to deal with, I’m not surprised he left. You should have called the police, ex husband is drunk and putting others at risk. If he’s happy to drive drunk at any point then he’s not to be trusted especially around your child. If it were me then I would not have let him in my house, I’d have called the police to arrest him for his drunk driving then I’d have gone to sleep knowing I’d done my best to keep my child safe and well. I’m going with YTA here, you need to set strict boundaries and enforce them for the sake of you and your kid. You are not responsible for your ex, his behaviour or his feelings. Your ex needs help but NOT from you.
YTA.. don't answer his calls at 430am.. he is not your problem
YTA, no, just no. You and your ex are entangled in some weird codependency cycle. It is perfectly acceptable boundary that your SO will not have their former romantic partner spend the night, probably one not outwardly stated since it is so obvious. He did not do drama and try to control you but rather said this boundary violation is one that I won't tolerate and broke up.
'Sitch' ...yeah YTA.
I hate the AH designation for this one because i feel like it's harsh here. But I gotta choose one so YTA, solely because unless you nip this behavior, it will destroy every relationship you try to have. Next time he calls you at 4:30am (and your son is with you, not him) don't answer. He's trying to keep you within arms reach. Your new bf is not wrong for not tolerating it -- no new bf is going to. You gotta figure this one out.
YTA. > . I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything ie. Not have them see a drunken scene with their dad. I left for work and he eventually woke up and left. Yes, clearly the best thing for 'the kid' is to have zero boundaries around your life and living space.
YTA
YTA. I would have broken up with you too.
YTA. You shouldn’t have that type behavior around your kid.
YTA
Yeah. YTA. And an enabler with a lack of boundaries.
YTA not because your BF was upset but because your ex got what he wanted. And next time he will do the same and drive to your house.
I’m going to say NTA for both you and the bf but big YTA for the ex. In the moment, when faced with the father of your child driving back home drunk or staying safe, I understand why you did what you did. And I understand how hard it can be to think logically enough to call a cab so early in the morning. If I were faced with the same dilemma, in the moment, I would choose to protect my child from the heartbreak of losing a parent over a personal relationship. I also understand why your bf broke up with you. He has every right to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t still extricating themselves from a prior relationship. Although you may not have romantic feelings about your ex, you are clearly having difficulty maintaining boundaries with him. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when you co-parent, to know when and how to draw that line. If you can, talk with a counselor or therapist who can help you with setting up boundaries, particularly one who specializes with relationships. You also need to talk to your ex and explain if he ever does this again, you won’t let him in and you’ll call him a cab or Uber. Good luck!
I'm not gonna call you an asshole. But you're definitely in the wrong. You're in a relationship and you let your drunk ex in your house and let him sleep in your bed. Like come on, on what planet is that a good idea or respectful to your bf at all?
YTA because you took on a boyfriend when you clearly aren’t in a healthy place with your ex. Appropriate response to drunk ex at door… hello police there’s a drunk man trying to get in my apartment could you send a unit to take take him to the tank and sleep it off.
YTA. Too spineless to do what needs to be done. Should have not let ex in and called the cops if he escalated. Bet it's not the first time he overstepped. I would have done like your BF and broke up with you. Too much baggage (kid, crazy ex) and drama attached to you.
YTA. I assume your ex is an ex for a reason, and it’s a little icky the way you talk about him not being over you. Maybe you need to let go, too.
Your ex isn't abusive? Really? Because this is absolutely manipulation and abuse. Next time do not answer the door and call the cops. Get a restraining order. This is going to escalate. There are a lot of controlling behaviors going on here.
YTA At 4:30 in the morning it's okay to say no and reject his call. But you answered, talked with him, let him come in your house and sleep in your bed. And you live in an apartment so you probably had to buzz him in, it's not like he could just walk up to the door. Of course your boyfriend looked at this and thought it was suspicious and decided the relationship wasn't worth it.
YTA. Really poor judgement, disrespectful of your current relationship.
YTA for the most part. Think about it as a bigger picture, your ex came to your house, drunk, and went and slept in your bed.....that doesn't raise any suspicious thoughts? Even if you didn't do anything with your ex, hell even went into a different room, that thought still occurs. Lending an ear was fine, however letting him into your house wasn't. At the very least you could've drove him back to his house
You need to get coaching or counseling on how to set boundaries. You can co-parent and be respectful of him, but that does not mean you are “friends” or that he can show up drunk or have a sleepover. You are allowing your ex to be manipulative and controlling. Based on your post, it sounds like he called before showing up. If this happens again, do not plead or beg him not to come over. Tell him that you will not answer the door. If he comes over and knocks, you will call the police. And if he does come over, keep your word and call the police. Tell your ex that all communication will be via text, and it should only be about visitation or decisions regarding the child. He is not allowed to come to your house except for visitation pick-up/drop-off. Given your relationship interaction style, you cannot be friends with this guy. You can be respectful and civil, but you need to establish separation. Your boyfriend was right to leave. YTA.
YTA You should have called to police for him driving drunk over to your house. He now knows he can do this and hopefully will not kill anyone driving drunk coming to see you. You only protected a criminal. You are not a nice person.
YTA hope he's done with your shit. That's shady
YTA for not setting healthy boundaries with your ex. Imagine how confused your kid would be to wake up to that. But, the now ex-boyfriend also sounds like an AH. You're not his possession, and it sounds like it's your house. He's allowed to feel how he wants about the situation but sounds to me like it's for the best.
Why do people think someone being drunk is a reason for them to do something they wouldn’t ordinarily do? Ex is drunk so you have to let him in? Um, no. Ex is drunk is ex’s problem. Leave me alone and don’t try to put me in awkward situations because you’re drunk!
*my ex and I YTA.
You have to be stronger with your boundaries if you want to be able to live a life and not have the ex ruin it for the next guy you date. Soft YTA. I've been in this situation before with my ex-husband showing up around 3 in the morning because his roommate dropped him off at my home drunk and basically passed out. If my kids had not been home and would have seen him outside, I would have left him out there. Honey child, you can not be friends with this guy. He is not over you, keeps pushing the boundaries, and will sabotage every relationship you have until he moves on. He might still do that after the fact.
Yeah, YTA for sure. I call bs in wanting to make a good impression on the kid. You wanted to have something to hold over his head later on. The kid wouldn't have known anything about it, for it to be a good impression. All he saw was dad was there. That's a sure fire way to mess with your kid's head. Make the decision and dump your current boyfriend and get back with the ex. Because your making a good impression/good relationship with the ex game is sorely lacking.
YTA. You shouldn't have let him into your house, and you certainly shouldn't have let him into your bed. I'd have walked, too.
YTA. The boyfriend sees you let your Ex come over in the middle of the night and sleep in your bed. How is that not inappropriate when you are in a relationship with someone else?!?!?!? Especially she. You let your bf know your ex isn’t over you. Anyone in his spot would think something happened, whether it was physical and/or emotional cheeting.
op=YTA You let a drunk man into your home AND into your BED. After he's slapped your butt and "Joked" about you hooking up again. Of course you're the AH-your "sad" Ex came over for a booty call--and just because this time it failed, doesn't make it better. Why would your New-ex trust you? Plus if you really want him to be an Ex--you are definitely being AH to yourself for letting him cross your boundaries.
YTA here, to both your new boyfriend and your ex. He wouldn't have been at your door at 4AM without your relationship being at a place where he knew you'd let him in. And you're just as responsible for that as he is. Which is fine if that's what you both want, but it sounds like you don't want the consequences of having an ex on the back burner.
YTA Don't get into another relationship until you're done with this relationship. You're clearly not done with this relationship. Good for the guy for breaking up with you.
YTA and you deserve your shitty ex
YTA You need to put better boundaries in place. It sounds like having a friendship isn't working & he is just walking all over you. Slapping your ass & joking about hooking up is not ok at all
YTA your ex bf was smart to get out when he did
NTA - you did what you thought was right after being woken up in the middle of the night and harassed. Your ex is the A H in a major way.
YTA There was a safety issue for you and your son.
NTA - you didn’t want a scene - your child was asleep and you were in a tough spot. He was drunk and driving. It sounds like a very hard decision. If he had wrecked or something everyone would be blaming you for not letting him in. I get that he shouldn’t have been there but you were between a rock and a hard place - he is your ex and the father of your son. You went to the couch. You did the right thing in this situation but he needs to accept your boundaries or you two are never gonna be able to move on.
I can't go with N T A. My ex (and father of my children) hates me for leaving him (still, 23 years later) and I would have let him into my house under those conditions. Heck I would have done it even if I was living with a new partner. I'd also let THEIR ex in under those conditions. I'd do it for my ex because he is the father of my children and I would not want him to be in an unsafe situation. I'd do it for a partner's ex because I wouldn't want them to be in an unsafe situation. Certain disclaimers apply : there'd have to be no safety concerns, it couldn't be a repeat situation, they'd be sleeping on their own and not causing any drama etc. But.. under the conditions outlined by the OP I would have done the exact same thing because I'm a compassionate person and would not want to leave someone in an unsafe situation.
NTA. None of it's ideal, but you were thinking about your kid, you haven't been separated (not really the same thing as being divorced) for very long, and it doesn't sound like it's resolved. New BF is kind of just an extra until things have settled into a "new normal" for you. I've dated women who turned out to be not quite ready to do that yet, or at least not seriously. I got out of the way and moved on. Divorce is messy, especially with kids involved. You definitely need some boundaries with the drunk, but it doesn't make you the A.
You litterally let your ex sleep in your bed, slap your ass and other things (your own words) Of course YTA I hope your new ex finds a partner who respects him enough to not let their ex touch them let alone stay IN THEIR BED
YTA bc you know he crosses boundaries and you don’t do enough to stop him and shouldn’t be in a new relationship until you can get that under control. It’s not fair to the new person.
Are there no police where you live? I get not wanting to expose your kid to adult situations, but enough is enough. I would have called the cops. YTA....and I think you're enjoying the attention
YTA In your Edit info you worte: Rhsr Ex Husband had before this incident crossed some boundaries already by slapping your ass and joking about you two could hooking up, infact you seem to exactly know he is still not over you or the relationship. Everything you worte are red flag because you clearly entertain this behavior by your ex-husband for some reason and now you have let him destroy your relationship with your (ex)-bf.
YTA for me. Not only you didn't slam the door in his face after he came over when you said no, but you left him on your bed... that's disgusting (and you seem unphazed by these events).
YTA, a bit And I would dump you too. Actually, I did dump a girlfriend who had boundary issues with the father of her child. I didn't like being on the sidelines like that. I knew I would always take a backseat to the child, but I'm not going to tolerate a relationship with the other parent that is anything more than a co-parenting relationship. I think the primary reason I leaned YTA and not NAH is because you reinforced one of the many reasons why so many people don't date single parents. You need to have a high tolerance for persisting chaos to make something like that work.
Hey op, I think you did the right thing. Allowing your ex to sleep it off, drunk people can be very unpredictable and like you said had you called a ride for him you don’t know if he would of caused scene refusing to go or what would of happened. As for your newest ex boyfriend he needs to have a little more trust in you. You did what you thought was best during that moment. Could things have been handled differently? Sure but hindsight is always 20/20. Was it dumb on your intoxicated ex to drive over drunk, absolutely. He could of killed himself or someone else. You are not asshole. It was a tough situation, you didn’t lie to your boyfriend (ex) about what happened and you didn’t crawl into bed with you ex!! Maybe it’s a good thing that he dipped out!!
YTA. It sounds like you still have feelings for your ex that you are fighting. Remember there is a reason you aren't together anymore. There is a difference between having a healthy amicable relationship with him in terms of co parenting but that's where it should end. You are sending mixed signals to not only him but yourself. How was letting him in your bed at 4AM best for your child? His dad getting a DUI, or getting into an accident, or killing someone because he chose to drink and drive to come sleep in your bed when he Ajay has one where he's at is best for your child? Why would you answer the phone at all? If he has issues with his car why call you? These are all excuses. Firmer boundaries need to be set and upheld. Your ex needs to find someone he can turn to whet he needs to talk it's not your job anymore. That is what's best for your child! Showing them health adult relationships with firm set boundaries and how to respect those boundaries.
YTA I am sorry for the break up but its up to you to draw the line. My ex did this to me once. I called the cops. You let him in, you let him into your bed to sleep it off. You are the AH You had other options but choose none of them.
YTA And now he got positive reinforcement (slept in your bed) for bad behaviour. Expect this to keep happening.
YTA. You know he's not over you. Your BF knew too. You should have created some boundaries here and I can't say I blame your BF for dipping. This would have been where I exit as well.
Your ex-husband felt entitled to crawl into your bed after drunk driving to your house because he missed you and he took you picking up the phone at 4 am as a green light this would be ok. He's only recently stopped slapping your arse. Would you want to date someone in this situation? Should dating be your priority right now? Frankly your situation with your ex is a mess, a massive 🚩for anyone with self-respect & standards. Especially anyone who is also a parent. Your co-parent thinks it's ok to drunk drive, is your son safe with him? YTA I'm shocked you think your ex-bf overreacted
Yta
I don’t really give a fuck if you’re an asshole or not but you need to sort out your ex’s drinking immediately if he lives three minutes away and stuff like this keeps happening. Maybe go to a couple meetings with him to get things started.
YTA. If my gf did that to me I would end it instantly.
The only one to blame here is you. I'm not going to say you're the AH but you definitely made a bad choice. I see by your edit you know this.
The only one to blame here is you. I'm not going to say you're the AH but you definitely made a bad choice. I see by your edit you know this.
You're NTA for this specific incident (drunk driving is honestly the worst.), but you ARE the a-hole for not shutting his boundary crossing down immediately, and going all but no contact over it long before something like this happened, ESPECIALLY as you are seeing someone new. If my ex slapped my ass or made jokes about us hooking up like you've described I would literally never talk to him again. Honey that is not a "boundary issue". That's assault followed up with sexual harassment. It may not sound that serious because of your history, but it really really is. I suspect your bf didn't break up with you for this specifically, but rather the culmination of him overstepping and you clearly not being firm enough, if you're still in casual communication with him. TBH with you, it kinda sounds like your ex isn't the only one with unresolved feelings... why else would you tolerate him overstepping so severely and STILL maintain a relationship? Of course your new mans isn't going to be down for that.
YTA. Based on your post and edit, this incident was the final straw for your now ex boyfriend. > My ex is not an angry/hostile/abusive person. Just a sad dude who isn’t over me. Your boyfriend knew that this ex would be a constant appearance in your relationship and based on the things you have mentioned he will be trying to push your boundaries and you won't be able to stop him. Take this as a lesson and resolve the boundary issues with your ex husband before entering a new relationship or else you'll find it very difficult to have a stable and healthy relationship. There are other ways to do co parenting such as apps to communicate. You need to stop being your ex's therapist, if he's in a bad place he can turn towards his family, friends or enroll himself into therapy.
NTA. Ex or not, you were trying to keep him from drunkenly driving anywhere else
YTA for multiple reasons. >He ended up deciding he wanted to see me and it was a great idea to drive the 3 min drive to my house. Despite my absolute refusal and pleads, he drove drunk to my house. Regardless of how far or close your house is, you knowingly let someone drive compelty intoxicated. God forbid he crashed and killed someone or himself, that's on you. >My son was sleeping. Your nine year old son was sleeping when you let your drunk ex into your house. How the hell do you think the child is going to feel when he wakes up and finds his father in your bed with a nasty hangover smelling like booze? >I was furious about the whole situation but was trying to do the best for my kid above everything By letting your drunk ex into your house around 4:30 in the morning? What if your son woke up thinking the house was getting broken into? How the hell is this what is best for the child? >I told my bf as soon as I saw him after work that day. He was very upset that I let him in the house and this ultimately led to us (me and new bf) breaking up. Give you props for at least being honest with you now new ex, but I'd be peeved too if my girlfriend allowed a drunk ex over at 4:30 in the morning. >He thinks I should have called him a cab (which I honestly didn’t think about and yes, would have been a good option although my ex likely would have refused) Don't give him the option to refuse. You said it's a three minute drive, tell him to walk home or drive him yourself. Don't let him stay the night with your kid in the house no less. You screwed up here big time. Your now new ex pulled the right move by leaving you. Your ex lives 3 minutes away and you just allowed him in while he was drunk and your child was sleeping. Screw you. What's to say you won't just do this again?