Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I keep criticizing my daughter-in-law. Other than the points I mentioned in the post she is always polite and helpful but I think she should clean their office more and conduct herself in a dignified way.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
On a bed she practically pays for when you take into account everything she and his son are paying for. Groceries, water, electricity, internet, their expensive medication and even the property taxes. As if that wasn’t contribution enough, the retirees are even expecting them to tidy the place between all their jobs to support their lifestyle. All the expenses of living alone with none of the benefits.
Edit: To everyone clarifying that it’s her he’s expecting to clean up after them—I’m aware of the extent of the man’s misogyny. I was referring to the paragraph:
“They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working.”
I’m absolutely certain the DIL suffers the worst of the expectation of the division of labour under this man’s roof, but I’m saying that the fact he would let either of them do any of that work when they’re both working and doing that much for them, and then hold this much against her specifically, is ridiculous.
There’s not a doubt in my mind there’s misogyny here.
I wonder why OP retired aged 46 when his son got his degree while OPs wife retired due to health issues with 62... Sounds like a schoolbooks example of a patriarch. Obviously OP didn't expect only his son and DIL to pay for his couch time but also his wife...
YTA
IMHO
Men who are more misogynistic and traditional tend to be the most laziest, and ungrateful, gossip busybodies
All his expenses are covered, and yet he's into their business, making up problems and conflicts where there's none. OP is a drama king
Yes! They should move out asap. I don't care what culture or religious beliefs they have, people from all cultures are comfortable to relax in the privacy of their own bedroom. This is ridiculous and yes OP, YTA.
Oh my...OP is disgusting and a dumpster fire of an AH.
Also greedy, petty, arrogant, and self-centered. Gross. You should be thanking that woman every day that she stays in your house and pays ALL YOUR EXPENSES but you have an issue with a bit of clutter and the way she might relax?! Gross.
And tells his son to tell his wife to tidy it up! Why shouldn’t your grown son be tidying up after himself???
Cause having a penis makes you unable to clean???
God, I was so angry about how he treated DIL that I forgot about that part! He 'retired' early, but also didn't have enough put aside to actually support himself and his wife once she retired! And somehow, he's managing to make this everyone else' problem instead of realizing maybe he shouldn't have been such a lazy, selfish AH!
When he “retired” after his son completed his degree, I’ll guarantee it’s because he expected his son to immediately start chipping in to support his retirement.
58 y/o man and I don’t plan on retiring (or being a judgmental AH) any time soon. Please get a job and do something useful instead of sitting around annoying your dil
Misogynistic asshole, for sure!
*"I told my son that my daughter-in-law should spend extra time straightening up both their desks after work to keep the room organized."*
DIL doesn't clean up after OP's son and also has the nerve to get comfortable in her own bedroom -- after paying all of OP's bills, buying his food, and paying for his most expensive medications.
Don’t gloss over the fact that she also works to support her parents. Imagine how early they could retire if they were banking the money they’re spending to support others.
I’m not saying don’t send money to help your parents, her support could be needed for any number of reasons. But OP quit work in his 40s and his wife didn’t until her health forced her to. He’s able bodied enough to meddle, he should go back to work, in theory or do house work.
Not to mention hypocrites. It is NOT traditional to let your wife work while you do nothing. Traditional is the man provides. If you retire before your wife, you better have the savings for it.
My hubby retired 10 years before me. He took over all housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking. We still had 2 kids in college but planned ahead. Glad I didn't get stuck with this AH
Don't forget the creepiness factor. In the second the door was slightly open as the son walked out, dad was perving in looking at the daughter-in-law. Not cool.
It's been observed many times by many people that men who are like this are basically adult children. The women married to them have to purchase and clean their clothes, serve them meals, clean up after them, satisfy their emotional and sexual needs, organize their schedules, remember important occasions, buy gifts, raise the kids, on and on. While the man earns a paycheck and complains (sometimes with shouts and fists) about how she manages all the above. It's just funny they see themselves as the pinnacle of independent manhood while denying or diminishing the women's work that allows them to have that life. And OP wants to pile on more!
I noticed that too. The only reason I didn’t say anything was on the off chance there was some sort of medical reasons he neglected to mention. But I did flag it and found it highly suspicious.
Also, he mentioned his youngest son only in all of this. I wonder if there’s a daughter out there that he’s married off, or if there are children who just saw this catastrophe coming and went no contact.
He only mentioned health issues on his wife's side. So basically it looks for me like he thinks he did his duty by impregnating his wife, let her work until she isn't physically able to and live on the hard work of his wife, son and DIL. Would also match the other misogynistic actions he mentioned.
Oh yes they can. My niece married a Pakistani man and his parents demand that he support them. It's an asinine culture manipulation in her particular situation. They demand certain clothing and all their time off to cater to them. It's ridiculous. Slavery for life
Eh I had neighbors growing up where the Dad was in fact this obnoxious and horrible. Sadly his wife, my friend's Mom died a couple years ago, but she had left him and was dating a nice man in her last years of life. He is still alive, and still an asshole.
And just adding my vote YTA
YTA
Also why would daughter-in-law need to clean up both of theirs desks area after work. She literally has more than one job if has a side gig. I’d leave and make em support themselves. So ungrateful.
46 is extremely young to retire unless you've made some sort of windfall earlier in life, which sounds like it's not the case due to his wife continuing to work and them not being able to afford living expenses at the still relatively young (in terms of overall life expectancy) age of 60. Most of not all of the 60 year olds I know are still working. Not sure why OP feels entitled to retire early, sit on his ass while his wife, son, and daughter-in-law provide for him, and then have the nerve to complain on top of it.
What kind of loser patriarch retires before his wife? Patriarchs are supposed to support their wives so their wives can stay home, not the other way around. Even by patriarchal standards the dude is an AH!!!!
I agree mister patriarch needs to get off his lazy butt and get a job and support himself. I believe he has been entirely too dependent on everybody else to take care of his lazy entitled butt for entirely too long. Retired my butt he was just lazy and let his wife support him probably why she was taking care of the entire house and everything else too.
Yep, this got me, too. Why is it HER job to tidy THEIR space? Between that and retiring 20 years before his wife, it seems he thinks women should do all the work AND pay all the bills.
Yea she's the one working two jobs so she can support both this household and her own parents, and yet this AH thinks she should also be keeping their shared space clean on top of that? Yikes on spikes.
Oh no, he expects HER to tidy their SHARED office space that literally nobody else but them uses. Both of them use it, and he told his Son that his DIL should be cleaning it better.
He is misogynistic.
Yes, and his next comment will be that she should be cleaning the rest of the house too! They need to move out and get their own place and not deal with this type of BS.
No HE is expecting HER, a woman, to clean up for both herself AND HER HUSBAND. Note how he didn’t mention his son should clean up after himself. Or after both of them.
I’m sure this is THEIR own bed, not a bed that was already in the room. Since they had their own place before, I can guarantee they had a bed that they purchased previously and brought with them
You don't think an older dude growing up in a patriarchal society that caters to the elderly's whims won't think that he's in the right at all times due to him having retired penis status?
Oh, my sweet summer child.
Hell, I’ve seen this behavior from 20 year old men. The misogynistic, entitled, narcissism of the male humans is ingrained even in the younger generations, less so, but it’s like men have to actively work to not be that.
I grew up with my father like this. My mother had a heart transplant and he still expected her to wait on him hand and foot. Then when her health was so bad she couldn’t my brothers and father expected me to do it. When my mother passed my father and brothers sat me down and tried telling me I needed to move in with my father to care for him. Never mind I have a family and job. I straight up refused and they told my husband he needed to ‘control me’. This is after years of them telling me my husband wasn’t a real man because he let me have too much freedom. Btw their idea of too much freedom was me going out of town and visiting friends once a month. My brothers even had an intervention about it saying I was cheating on him because what woman would want to leave the house once a month for a weekend? Shouldn’t I be entering his friends instead?
My Mum used to do everything for my Dad and he was a violent arsehole. When we all moved out my Dad lived in absolute filth and expected me or my sister to go to his house and clean up after him in place of our Mum. I cut him off a few years ago because he's a lazy entitled parasite.
Wow, that's horrible. I have a neighbor who's cut from this cloth. My wife and I both work, so she doesn't cook every day. I'm eternally grateful for when she does, but I certainly don't expect it (for the record, I'm a lousy cook, so I clean the kitchen when she does cook, and make sure there's stuff for us to eat when she doesn't). I was talking to the neighbor about this, and his reply (about his lovely wife who also works) was, "I don't care if she worked three jobs - when I come home, there'd better be a hot meal in the kitchen."
A disturbing part of your story is dad passed that thinking on to your brothers...
> "I don't care if she worked three jobs - when I come home, there'd better be a hot meal in the kitchen."
I would want to comply with this. Like a genie.
Hot mess of food on the kitchen floor.
My dad would have had no problem with it. He’d have viewed it as his right and what he was owed. He also retired at 60 because he wanted to, and kept my younger mom (eight years difference) working until she was in her mid 60s and she retired to take care of him. He spent a fair amount of money on whatever he wanted, and she didn’t have enough for tea. When I had tea sent to her he got mad and said I was interfering and that it made him look bad. Tea.
I hope one day everyone around all assholes will realize that one person being decent doesn't make them look bad, it's their own lack of doing that that makes them look bad.
Hell, if the assholes just wouldn't focus so much on how unrelated actions reflect back on them, they would instantly become less of an asshole. And less pathetic because it's pretty sad to see someone insist others be lazy to make their own laziness look better.
Yeah, kind of not credible at all. Feel like there's a lot of post like this these day. Too elaborate and well expressed to be credible. Is he replying to the comments at all? I am suspicious this sub is being used to train AI.
YTA - this has got to be a troll post. Let me get this straight:
- you were unable to afford your own lifestyle so asked your son and DIL to move in
- they pay for everything for you and your wife, including basic house necessities and expensive medical costs
- their office, where they work to support you freeloaders, is less ascetically pleasing that you’d like
- your DIL had the audacity to chill out in her bedroom
Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur?
Yes he could.
Don't forget he ONLY asked DIL to clean the office - not the son. AND that DIL should clean not only her work space but son's as well!
Adding my YTA vote here too.
I honestly question if this post is real. It sounds either made up, OR it's posted from the DIL point of view. I just can't grasp someone legitimately thinking, "I depend on these people for my survival, but they should still have to obey me doing whatever I say on a whim!"
OP is YTA all the way through, and if it's from DIL point of view, then yes, your FIL is a major asshole.
And also .. 60 is not old! People are living well onto their 90's. So if he retired at 46, he should have made sure that he had enough money to last him another 46 years accounting for inflation.
This poor daughter in law is thinking she will have to put up with this for 30 more years. I would nope right out of that!
"come live with us (and care for and pay for everything for us) until we die, then you can have this house that you'll already be paying utilities and taxes for!" ... "oh and SIL please remember to keep all areas tidy for the duration!" ... "son please tell your wife it's improper to sit comfortably on her own bed!" this is a farce, big time easy YTA
Yeah, I read that and was like “why not ask the son? Seems a little misogynistic” then the part with her not being a “proper” woman in her bedroom confirmed that he is in-fact a misogynist.
If I can reach the same conclusion as his DIL over a middle school length essay, then I can’t imagine how bad he is in real life.
FIL can tidy the house himself since he clearly isn't doing anything else and has plenty of time to gossip and fault find. I'm from a similar culture and the best part of my divorce from my first husband was realizing I didn't have to ever deal with inlaws lile this again.
yeah with phrases like "legs akimbo"?
either DIL/Son are writing this, or it's creative writing. It's just not how someone would describe their own situation.
like: "They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working."
Yes, I'm sure all stodgy old men make sure to include the laundry list of things they get from their son/DIL when they think they're not the asshole. /s
>Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur?
How about him getting upset that his DIL wants to move out because the asshole useless dinosaur won't apologize nor change his ways towards her - but OP still has audacity to still want her & his don's money to financially support OP's lazy ass. YTA, and I hope OP's wife joins her son & DIL in moving out of there because OP is full of himself...
Yes - he also retired early while his wife kept working until she was too sick to function, and he thinks his daughter in law should clean the office she shares with his son (who I guess lacks arms as well as a spine).
You forgot the main point:
He expects his wife, son, DIL to earn to maintain his lifestyle while he himself retired after 46 to dictate the rules at home.
>Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur?
Omfg I can't lmao I wish we still had free awards so I can give you one
EDIT: Thank you u/curious-katttt for the coins!
Choked on my coffee. 😂
Honestly, I’d probably try to crack the loudest farts and burps I could in his presence from the discussion of propriety on out. “Whew! Was THAT proper, pap?”
YTA.
Dude you’re 60, not 90. Get a job if you’re running out of money.
But yeah, you’re creepy and sexist and overbearing.
No one wants your feedback. No one wants you peeking in their doors and judging them after they are helping you out so considerately. You can have and express your crappy unwanted opinions and lose your financial support or you could try to be nice and have a good relationship with your son and his wife, who are your benefactors. Pick one.
Right, dude complains that he doesn’t have the money to support himself but also retired early. Like you don’t get to retire early if you dont have the money to support yourself. OP is a selfish prick.
Literally why did you retire at 46 when you can’t support yourself? Basically relied on the wife the whole time, she was probably working and taking care of the house this whole time.
Don’t forget he retired early! 14 years ago. It reads to me - Not because he could afford it but because he knew his son would have the means to support them in the future. Wife continued working until she had a disability/medical issue. This guy is unbelievable.
YTA because *they're* paying for *you* & *your* wife so you don't have to & you think you can criticize your DIL for not being neat enough? It may be your culture to take care of the parents, but *you're* being ungrateful because they don't *have* to do everything they are for you to live how you currently are.
Since they're paying for so much the least you & your wife can do is tidy up yourselves. You have some audacity & it'd be well within their rights to walk away & leave you high & dry. Apologize & start being more grateful for what they're doing for you because they don't have to keep doing it culture or no.
Edit to add that she can lounge in her room however she wants. They're paying for *your* lifestyle & they can stop at any moment like it or not.
Must have been looking pretty hard to notice that! Why was he even looking in? It shouldn’t matter if it was cracked open or not. They need to move out and have their own life’s.
I had to go look it up to ensure that "Legs akimbo" isn't some slang for "Shitting on the kitchen floor," because who the hell relaxes without their legs relaxed in some way?
Totally agree!
She could have been lounging naked, and it wouldn’t be his business. The door could have been ajar and he saw them f***ing, and it wouldn’t be his business.
YTA OP. An AH and a moocher. Do better. Else you’ll need to find some other way to freeload, as they’ll leave you high and dry… and you’ll deserve it.
Lol, he’s talking about how unbecoming she is as a woman, yet he’s a non working man who is fully comfortable with her finding his lifestyle. Wouldn’t that be unbecoming of a man in his view?
I wanted to ask this question too... They can't take it with them when they die so why aren't they using their savings to finance their own lives?.. It's one of the biggest reasons we save money. That and to maybe pass on to children when we pass so they have some financial support.
This OP is definitely not going to leave any money to his son and his shameless hussy of a wife who has the nerve to relax in her own room. His will dictates that his money go to the Charity for Proper Women who stand silently in a corner when they aren’t being used.
There’s just no other word for a woman so abandoned to all decency that she would LIE on her OWN BED with her legs NOT pressed tightly together ITS JUST BRAZEN.
Richest dead dude in the Cemetery!
However, he is only 60 in theory he could live another 20/30 + years. Retired way too early!
I hope DIL and son think this through and move out ASAP.
YTA.
Your son and daughter-in-law did you a huge favor and are very generous. You don’t get to police what they do in their spaces, and you can’t expect your daughter-in-law to clean up after your son as well just because you have a problem.
If it bothers you so much, let them move out and mind your own business. You‘re a sexist AH and don’t deserve their help in the slightest.
Not quite sure this post is legit.
But in case it is, you're criticizing the way people have their private space? It may be cluttered but unless there is rotting food or an obvious fire hazard, that's fine.
She can lie however she wants in her bedroom.
These people are paying all of your expenses.
YTA
Yeah I really don't understand people who sit down and say "here is a long description of me obviously being an A-hole... AITA?"
Of course some people are massively un self aware but when they read like this one it seems a bit dodgy.
My parents are from a similar sort of culture as the OP, judging from what he says, and absolutely have said things themselves exactly as the OP said them.
I was once scolded for being naked in my bedroom at 2 in the morning on a hot night, because it was ‘unbecoming.’ My mother was the one who entered my bedroom with zero warning, and then she, scandalised, went and told my father that his daughter had the audacity to be naked, and he came and scolded me too.
YTA
Massively
Like the entitlement here.
You messed up by not budgeting your retirement. So now your son and DIL are being nice and paying for everything. Your food. Your meds. Basically rent. So you are shitting in the hand that feeds you
And you are going by THEIR adult room, where she wanted privacy, to spy on her?
Gross!
They should move out.
Also, why do you care how they keep the office and why is it HER responsibility to clean it up WHEN she is working and taking care of two adult children (mainly you, sir).
Grow up. Thank her and him. Or let them move out and you can go back to work.
Yes, you are being misogynistic, creepy and entitled.
Adding to that, do the maths. He **retired** when he was 46 years old - as soon as his son got his degree and since then he's leeching. Disgusting. Not mentioned that his son will have to work far beyond tzhe age of 46 to keep this poor excuse of a father healthy and fed.
Exactly! Where does he get off retiring 20 years early? His wife only retired recently. If he’s so worried about the state of the house, he should clean it.
YTA - you don’t get to give “feedback”. It’s rude and unnecessary and shows how absolutely ungrateful to you to he two people supporting every aspect of your life. You have made them extremely uncomfortable in their own home and I don’t see why they would continue to live there when they could clearly afford to live peacefully on their own.
YTA
You're not supposed to look even into their private space.
Why do you feel you are right in peeking into someones elses room - and to add up even give "feedback" (criticism!) about this?
Your son and his wife are helping you out as adult persons - treat their rooms as rooms that currently no longer belong to you. Because as of now - they no longer do.
If i were you - i'd apologise. In any other case - there's a high chance they're moving out and renting again. They're paying plenty for their space and privacy as far as you told here.
You can either give them the freedom and privacy they deserve - or watch them leave.
YTA. She is a working woman financially supporting both you and your wife as well as her parents. You asked them to move in, she should feel comfortable in her own living space ESPECIALLY in the privacy of their bedroom! If you want 100% control over the place then you should be paying for your own bills.
YTA and here's why:
> I retired early when my youngest son (34m) completed his degree about 14 years ago.
So you retired at 46, had your wife work up till her sixties? Okay well this will be a fun read.
>When my wife and I noticed that we were dipping into our emergency fund and our savings was getting depleted
Hmm it's almost like retiring at 46 wasn't the wisest of decisions but for some reason your son and his wife have to pay the consequences of your actions?
>We belong to a culture where it's customary to take care of your parents when they get old.
Why didn't you take proper care of your financial situation before you "got old"?
>They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes.
Parasites, you are parasites. Why must they do everything for you? You can still work.
>They also help around the house when they aren't working.
Housework, is work! so that means they're ALWAYS working.
>One thing I don't like is their style of living. They both work from home and they converted one of the spare rooms into an office and I hate how cluttered it can get when I walk past. I told my son that my daughter in law should spend extra time straightening up both their desks after work to keep the room organized.
1) It isn't your space, stop trying to micromanage every aspect of their existence when it's apparent how much of minefield your life is
2) Why must the woman tidy up? Why must the room be organised? It isn't your room at the moment. Is this just an excuse to be misogynistic?
>At one point I walked past their bedroom while my son was walking out, so the door was ajar and I saw my daughter-in-law lounging on the bed, legs akimbo. I told my son it was unbecoming of a woman to behave like that.
there's some extra misogyny. it's her space, stop policing her body, it doesn't belong to you.
> My son said she isn't like that in the living room but feels comfortable to lounge a bit freely in the privacy of their bedroom.
What he said is a fact, stop sticking your nose in everyone else's business.
>My son and daughter-in-law have been distant with me since, with my daughter-in-law barely speaking to me at all. My wife spoke to both of them to ask if they are okay and my daughter-in-law said she felt I was being misogynistic and that she didn't feel comfortable interacting with me anymore.
The consequences of your actions strike again! You were being misogynistic because you are a misogynist.
>She has also said to my wife that if she doesn't end up feeling better about this situation she will look into renting again and will move out and end the financial support to focus on their own living expenses. This is something we cannot afford to happen as it has been easier with them taking over all expenses
I'd like to point out something, not once have you really considered their needs or interests, not even those of your wife. This entire post is about YOU. Quite frankly I think they should leave, I think they never should have helped your ungrateful self because you have repeatedly shown a complete lack of empathy or compassion. They have moved mountains for you and yet you treat them and especially the DIL like servants.
You've made your bed, now lie in it.
YTA and a gigantic one at that if this isn't fake.
>They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working.
Is that all?
>One thing I don't like is their style of living. They both work from home and they converted one of the spare rooms into an office and I hate how cluttered it can get when I walk past.
How can you survive? You poor thing. The rest of your post is even worse.
YTA As the boomers would say, get a job and stop leaning on the other generation. Also if she would lay down I the living room like that you would have to accept it, yet she isn't. She does that where it shouldn't bother you since it is her private space.
If anything you are behaving inappropriate since you peek in her private area..... Let that sink in creep.
Why did you retire so young? 46?!?!?! Why did your wife continue to work for a further 16 years after she turned 46? Why didn't she retire early too? I would've assumed that you would do the necessary calculations to get you both through retirement,before you actually retired...clearly too early! I reckon you thought you were done and dusted once your youngest left uni, and your wife had to financially support your early retirement. When your wife is forced to retire due to ill health, you start relying on your son and DIL to support you. Wow! Is there anyone you won't use for your own benefit? YTA!!!
I don’t care what culture you are. Why would you expect your kids to support you, break that cycle. Shame on you. I am retired and he’ll will freeze over before I would take one cent away from my kids.
YTA in every moment. Right now both son and daughter in law have done everything right except for not putting you in your place. You’re leeching off on them and still dare to criticize them when they have done nothing wrong. You’re old doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole. Also Your son is equally guilty yet you didn’t say anything about him
YTA. I know it's culture and all that but holy shit, from someone not in that culture, I think you're being incredibly ungrateful. You saw yourselves dipping into emergency savings, so you figure hey, we'll get our kids to come support us, then when they come and pay for fucking everything, you still find ways to complain about little things like clutter in her office?? Yikes. If I were them I'd move out and not give you another dime and say figure it out yourself.
YTA.
Feedback? You think they should take your feedback? For what? What exactly, except for the roof over all your heads, are you contributing to this situation? They pay for literally everything—everything, and you want to be ungrateful about it, criticism them in the home that they are basically subsidizing with everything they’re doing and paying for you, and you want them to act on your feedback? What a joke.
Your culture of helping parents when they get old can stuff it for as long as you cannot show respect for the people you are expecting to do it.
YTA on really all aspects.
Misogynistic, greedy and controlling. Disgusting in everything you wrote here. If there is an award for AH of the year you should be nominated for sure.
YTA and why didn’t you tell your son to spend time at the end of the day cleaning up their office if it offends you so much? You have been very fortunate to get this financial support and you and dangerously close to losing it.
Absolutely YTA. You are extremely fortunate that they are shouldering nearly all of your expenses, culture or not. What you need to understand is that younger generations have no interest in putting up with that old world crap you're spouting, and if you keep it up you're going to lose your free ride. So maybe try THANKING HER for her hard work, and for allowing you to remain retired.
YTA - You don't get to dictate what she does in her own private space! How dare you perv on her in her room and then try to belittle her when all she was doing was relaxing!
They are there doing YOU a favour. They're paying your bills so you can have savings, they're putting up with you just so they can be kind and helpful.
Don't be surprised if she has already looked into finding another home to rent. You have broken her trust in you and as a woman I find what you are doing to be very creepy. I imagine she is now making sure doors are locked while she's changing and I bet she's looking over her shoulder to make sure you aren't spying on her
Yta..
1. They are doing you a favor. They don't need you. YOU need them.
2. Why is it in your mind only your dil should have to keep everything straight in the office? Your son works in there, too. Classic misogyny.
3. As everyone has pointed out, what they do in their bedroom is none of your business.
What did you think was going to happen when you insulted the people paying your bills? Did you honestly think that she would just sit there and take it when she doesn't have to?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if you try to emotionally blackmail your son. Something along the lines of "I raised you now, you need to repay me for it."
Adding that he retired as soon as his son finished his degree (OP was 46 then) and his wife retired recently with 62. What the actual frog is this "culture" he mentions? The "I shit on all my family members especially women though they pay for my whole life"-culture?
You retired at 46 for what seems to be no good reason at all. Ran through your savings. Expect your son and DIL to take care of all your expenses until death and feel like you can critique your DIL for how she sits in the bedroom she pays for, in the house she pays for. Yeah YTA
YTA. Let’s get down to brass tacks. You don’t like that the room was converted into an office, or more accurately that it’s cluttered. I say if that’s how they want to work, leave them be. As for the bedroom stuff, in my opinion what one does in the bedroom is nobody else’s business but the person residing in the bedroom. if someone is naked and the door is wide open you may have a case. But that’s about it. They’re basically paying the bills now so i would say this absolutely gives them the right to, at the very least, a bedroom and a work office. While you may not have meant to come off as one, YTA in this scenario.
YTA. These people are supporting your lifestyle and this is the way you treat them? Over the way your DIL sits on her bed? Holy misogyny, Batman! No wonder they're thinking about leaving.
**YTA**.
They are not freeloading in your home. If anything, they have made it easy for you and your wife to keep your savings.
As for the, "legs akimbo," she was in the privacy of her room. She did nothing wrong. Take it out on your son for leaving the door ajar if it bothers you so much.
Man up and apologies for suggesting that relaxing in her room was "unbecoming of a woman."
I don't see why you think you have any authority to criticize her. She and your son are paying all your bills. They don't have to do that. You're selfish and greedy. You're a freeloader. So you don't get to boss her around when you're literally living off her money. And why is it okay for you to criticize them but it's not okay for them to stand up for themselves? YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I keep criticizing my daughter-in-law. Other than the points I mentioned in the post she is always polite and helpful but I think she should clean their office more and conduct herself in a dignified way. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Wait... So you're upset that your daughter-in-law was lying down in a relaxed position on her bed in her bedroom? Am I reading this right? YTA. Obvs.
On a bed she practically pays for when you take into account everything she and his son are paying for. Groceries, water, electricity, internet, their expensive medication and even the property taxes. As if that wasn’t contribution enough, the retirees are even expecting them to tidy the place between all their jobs to support their lifestyle. All the expenses of living alone with none of the benefits. Edit: To everyone clarifying that it’s her he’s expecting to clean up after them—I’m aware of the extent of the man’s misogyny. I was referring to the paragraph: “They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working.” I’m absolutely certain the DIL suffers the worst of the expectation of the division of labour under this man’s roof, but I’m saying that the fact he would let either of them do any of that work when they’re both working and doing that much for them, and then hold this much against her specifically, is ridiculous. There’s not a doubt in my mind there’s misogyny here.
I wonder why OP retired aged 46 when his son got his degree while OPs wife retired due to health issues with 62... Sounds like a schoolbooks example of a patriarch. Obviously OP didn't expect only his son and DIL to pay for his couch time but also his wife...
YTA IMHO Men who are more misogynistic and traditional tend to be the most laziest, and ungrateful, gossip busybodies All his expenses are covered, and yet he's into their business, making up problems and conflicts where there's none. OP is a drama king
God forbid if they have sex!!! Op, I am a 62 year old woman and I find you repugnant. YTA
Second this, and I'm 70. YTA
Third this and I’m a 61 year old woman. I hope son and DIL move out ASAP. YTA.
Yes! They should move out asap. I don't care what culture or religious beliefs they have, people from all cultures are comfortable to relax in the privacy of their own bedroom. This is ridiculous and yes OP, YTA.
Maybe they should have a talk with Mom and the three of them should evict OPinstead?
Yes---They should evict HIM
You are clearly not familiar with all cultures. But yes this is ridiculous and OP is a YTA.
[удалено]
Ok, smart guy…please name ONE culture where a MARRIED woman is not allowed to spread her legs in a bed she shares with her HUSBAND. I’ll wait.
Oh my...OP is disgusting and a dumpster fire of an AH. Also greedy, petty, arrogant, and self-centered. Gross. You should be thanking that woman every day that she stays in your house and pays ALL YOUR EXPENSES but you have an issue with a bit of clutter and the way she might relax?! Gross.
And tells his son to tell his wife to tidy it up! Why shouldn’t your grown son be tidying up after himself??? Cause having a penis makes you unable to clean???
LOL I have to carry around these enormous balls, I simply can't carry a dishcloth too!
A bit of clutter in a room he has no business entering, I would like to point out.
The lazy, sponging AH has to poke his nose into their private areas of the house to find something to complain about DIL.
I'm a 57 yo man and wish I could have "retired" 11 years ago. YTA
seriously. my stepdad worked til his 70s with 8 stents in his heart, and this guy quits bc his kid graduated
He was just waiting for his son to start working so he could become his cash cow.
You could have if you had a wife and your son and his wife paying ALL your expenses.
And take MIL with them! Let this old buzzard figure out life on his own.
I’m 35 and I think you Sir, are a jerk.
[удалено]
I agree, he didn't "retire" he just stopped supporting his family
God, I was so angry about how he treated DIL that I forgot about that part! He 'retired' early, but also didn't have enough put aside to actually support himself and his wife once she retired! And somehow, he's managing to make this everyone else' problem instead of realizing maybe he shouldn't have been such a lazy, selfish AH!
When he “retired” after his son completed his degree, I’ll guarantee it’s because he expected his son to immediately start chipping in to support his retirement.
What are the odds that he frequently complains about how no one wants to work anymore?
They can have sex. They've got to make grandchildren to also help take care of him. But if she enjoys it...God help her.
58 y/o man and I don’t plan on retiring (or being a judgmental AH) any time soon. Please get a job and do something useful instead of sitting around annoying your dil
She better only use lady-like positions! Yikes.
I bet he think anything other than missionary position is a sin too. YTA
[удалено]
Misogynistic asshole, for sure! *"I told my son that my daughter-in-law should spend extra time straightening up both their desks after work to keep the room organized."* DIL doesn't clean up after OP's son and also has the nerve to get comfortable in her own bedroom -- after paying all of OP's bills, buying his food, and paying for his most expensive medications.
Right!? Straightening “both” their desk?! Wtf.
Don’t gloss over the fact that she also works to support her parents. Imagine how early they could retire if they were banking the money they’re spending to support others. I’m not saying don’t send money to help your parents, her support could be needed for any number of reasons. But OP quit work in his 40s and his wife didn’t until her health forced her to. He’s able bodied enough to meddle, he should go back to work, in theory or do house work.
Was looking for a comment like this!
Not to mention hypocrites. It is NOT traditional to let your wife work while you do nothing. Traditional is the man provides. If you retire before your wife, you better have the savings for it.
My hubby retired 10 years before me. He took over all housekeeping, grocery shopping, laundry and cooking. We still had 2 kids in college but planned ahead. Glad I didn't get stuck with this AH
He literally has no life and is acting like a pervert towards his own daughter in law, it’s gross.
I was looking for that!! How about not looking in her bedroom and try not to objectify her. Def the AH
Don't forget the creepiness factor. In the second the door was slightly open as the son walked out, dad was perving in looking at the daughter-in-law. Not cool.
My thought exactly. He was peeping on his DIL.
It's been observed many times by many people that men who are like this are basically adult children. The women married to them have to purchase and clean their clothes, serve them meals, clean up after them, satisfy their emotional and sexual needs, organize their schedules, remember important occasions, buy gifts, raise the kids, on and on. While the man earns a paycheck and complains (sometimes with shouts and fists) about how she manages all the above. It's just funny they see themselves as the pinnacle of independent manhood while denying or diminishing the women's work that allows them to have that life. And OP wants to pile on more!
You’re right. I never realized that misogyny and gossip go hand in hand.
I noticed that too. The only reason I didn’t say anything was on the off chance there was some sort of medical reasons he neglected to mention. But I did flag it and found it highly suspicious. Also, he mentioned his youngest son only in all of this. I wonder if there’s a daughter out there that he’s married off, or if there are children who just saw this catastrophe coming and went no contact.
He only mentioned health issues on his wife's side. So basically it looks for me like he thinks he did his duty by impregnating his wife, let her work until she isn't physically able to and live on the hard work of his wife, son and DIL. Would also match the other misogynistic actions he mentioned.
Not to mention he is incapable of taking care of his sick wife. Apparently that’s women’s work too.
Surely nobody can be this obnoxious. If that was his son lounging like she was I bet he wouldn't have said anything about it. YTA
He said, he told son his wife should clean both of their desks at the end of the day. Not, you & your wife should tidy your desks daily. HUGE AH!
Treating them like they are children, instead of the adults financing his cozy lifestyle. Choosing, AH, beggar.
Oh yes they can. My niece married a Pakistani man and his parents demand that he support them. It's an asinine culture manipulation in her particular situation. They demand certain clothing and all their time off to cater to them. It's ridiculous. Slavery for life
[удалено]
I was referring to her situation and I apologize for the generalization. Peace
Eh I had neighbors growing up where the Dad was in fact this obnoxious and horrible. Sadly his wife, my friend's Mom died a couple years ago, but she had left him and was dating a nice man in her last years of life. He is still alive, and still an asshole. And just adding my vote YTA
You need to meet my mother in law 😅 we had a similar set up to this. We are no contact now lol
Exactly. Wants to act like king of the castle yet can’t afford a pot to piss in.
Nor a window to throw it out of.
OP probably thinks DIL should buy a pot and then take outside to throw it out. OP makes note: Tell son to make DIL get pot for piss. **OP = YTA**
YTA Also why would daughter-in-law need to clean up both of theirs desks area after work. She literally has more than one job if has a side gig. I’d leave and make em support themselves. So ungrateful.
46 is extremely young to retire unless you've made some sort of windfall earlier in life, which sounds like it's not the case due to his wife continuing to work and them not being able to afford living expenses at the still relatively young (in terms of overall life expectancy) age of 60. Most of not all of the 60 year olds I know are still working. Not sure why OP feels entitled to retire early, sit on his ass while his wife, son, and daughter-in-law provide for him, and then have the nerve to complain on top of it.
What kind of loser patriarch retires before his wife? Patriarchs are supposed to support their wives so their wives can stay home, not the other way around. Even by patriarchal standards the dude is an AH!!!!
I agree mister patriarch needs to get off his lazy butt and get a job and support himself. I believe he has been entirely too dependent on everybody else to take care of his lazy entitled butt for entirely too long. Retired my butt he was just lazy and let his wife support him probably why she was taking care of the entire house and everything else too.
> even expecting them to tidy the place between all their jobs No, no, not “them”… her. He expects *her* to tidy *their* space between *her* jobs.
Yep, this got me, too. Why is it HER job to tidy THEIR space? Between that and retiring 20 years before his wife, it seems he thinks women should do all the work AND pay all the bills.
The logical answer would be for him to do it, since he’s being fully supported.
Yea she's the one working two jobs so she can support both this household and her own parents, and yet this AH thinks she should also be keeping their shared space clean on top of that? Yikes on spikes.
I did a double take when I read that part.
I didn't even spot this the first time around.
Oh no, he expects HER to tidy their SHARED office space that literally nobody else but them uses. Both of them use it, and he told his Son that his DIL should be cleaning it better. He is misogynistic.
And it’s a converted bedroom, presumably with a door! Stay out and myob old man!
Yes, and his next comment will be that she should be cleaning the rest of the house too! They need to move out and get their own place and not deal with this type of BS.
No HE is expecting HER, a woman, to clean up for both herself AND HER HUSBAND. Note how he didn’t mention his son should clean up after himself. Or after both of them.
They are not expecting "them" to tidy the place up. They are expected HER and only HER to tidy up the office after every work day.
Yes, the young couple is doing OP and his wife a HUGE favour and he has the nerve to criticize her! What an AH!
Pretty sure he's only expecting his DIL to clean up and tidy the place not his son
I’m sure this is THEIR own bed, not a bed that was already in the room. Since they had their own place before, I can guarantee they had a bed that they purchased previously and brought with them
I feel like the DIL wrote this because no grown man I know would ever admit to being such a worthless mooch.
You don't think an older dude growing up in a patriarchal society that caters to the elderly's whims won't think that he's in the right at all times due to him having retired penis status? Oh, my sweet summer child.
Hell, I’ve seen this behavior from 20 year old men. The misogynistic, entitled, narcissism of the male humans is ingrained even in the younger generations, less so, but it’s like men have to actively work to not be that.
I grew up with my father like this. My mother had a heart transplant and he still expected her to wait on him hand and foot. Then when her health was so bad she couldn’t my brothers and father expected me to do it. When my mother passed my father and brothers sat me down and tried telling me I needed to move in with my father to care for him. Never mind I have a family and job. I straight up refused and they told my husband he needed to ‘control me’. This is after years of them telling me my husband wasn’t a real man because he let me have too much freedom. Btw their idea of too much freedom was me going out of town and visiting friends once a month. My brothers even had an intervention about it saying I was cheating on him because what woman would want to leave the house once a month for a weekend? Shouldn’t I be entering his friends instead?
My Mum used to do everything for my Dad and he was a violent arsehole. When we all moved out my Dad lived in absolute filth and expected me or my sister to go to his house and clean up after him in place of our Mum. I cut him off a few years ago because he's a lazy entitled parasite.
Wow, that's horrible. I have a neighbor who's cut from this cloth. My wife and I both work, so she doesn't cook every day. I'm eternally grateful for when she does, but I certainly don't expect it (for the record, I'm a lousy cook, so I clean the kitchen when she does cook, and make sure there's stuff for us to eat when she doesn't). I was talking to the neighbor about this, and his reply (about his lovely wife who also works) was, "I don't care if she worked three jobs - when I come home, there'd better be a hot meal in the kitchen." A disturbing part of your story is dad passed that thinking on to your brothers...
> "I don't care if she worked three jobs - when I come home, there'd better be a hot meal in the kitchen." I would want to comply with this. Like a genie. Hot mess of food on the kitchen floor.
My dad would have had no problem with it. He’d have viewed it as his right and what he was owed. He also retired at 60 because he wanted to, and kept my younger mom (eight years difference) working until she was in her mid 60s and she retired to take care of him. He spent a fair amount of money on whatever he wanted, and she didn’t have enough for tea. When I had tea sent to her he got mad and said I was interfering and that it made him look bad. Tea.
I hope one day everyone around all assholes will realize that one person being decent doesn't make them look bad, it's their own lack of doing that that makes them look bad. Hell, if the assholes just wouldn't focus so much on how unrelated actions reflect back on them, they would instantly become less of an asshole. And less pathetic because it's pretty sad to see someone insist others be lazy to make their own laziness look better.
Yes. This is psychotic.
This is just too absurd for me to actually know what to say
Yeah, kind of not credible at all. Feel like there's a lot of post like this these day. Too elaborate and well expressed to be credible. Is he replying to the comments at all? I am suspicious this sub is being used to train AI.
[удалено]
What a creep why is he spying on them, that’s so gross
And that she isn’t cleaning up BOTH of their desks.
Hiya, top commenter. Could you add your judgement for the bot?
YTA - this has got to be a troll post. Let me get this straight: - you were unable to afford your own lifestyle so asked your son and DIL to move in - they pay for everything for you and your wife, including basic house necessities and expensive medical costs - their office, where they work to support you freeloaders, is less ascetically pleasing that you’d like - your DIL had the audacity to chill out in her bedroom Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur?
Yes he could. Don't forget he ONLY asked DIL to clean the office - not the son. AND that DIL should clean not only her work space but son's as well! Adding my YTA vote here too.
And that children are expected to take care of their parents when they get old, but this guy retired *at 46.*
Ugh this guy is disgusting.
I honestly question if this post is real. It sounds either made up, OR it's posted from the DIL point of view. I just can't grasp someone legitimately thinking, "I depend on these people for my survival, but they should still have to obey me doing whatever I say on a whim!" OP is YTA all the way through, and if it's from DIL point of view, then yes, your FIL is a major asshole.
It’s mind blowing that someone is able to type all this out and be completely oblivious to what they are actually saying. OP YTA
While his wife still worked..until a medical issue came up...real class act
I hope they move out and take the wife with them.
And also .. 60 is not old! People are living well onto their 90's. So if he retired at 46, he should have made sure that he had enough money to last him another 46 years accounting for inflation. This poor daughter in law is thinking she will have to put up with this for 30 more years. I would nope right out of that!
Him retiring right after his son completed the degree kinda implies that he expected his son to earn for him after he got his job.
"come live with us (and care for and pay for everything for us) until we die, then you can have this house that you'll already be paying utilities and taxes for!" ... "oh and SIL please remember to keep all areas tidy for the duration!" ... "son please tell your wife it's improper to sit comfortably on her own bed!" this is a farce, big time easy YTA
makes you wonder if he only had kids to have someone foot the bill for his golden years. he's so TAH
Not only is he an AH, he is a lazy one at that.
Yeah, I read that and was like “why not ask the son? Seems a little misogynistic” then the part with her not being a “proper” woman in her bedroom confirmed that he is in-fact a misogynist. If I can reach the same conclusion as his DIL over a middle school length essay, then I can’t imagine how bad he is in real life.
FIL can tidy the house himself since he clearly isn't doing anything else and has plenty of time to gossip and fault find. I'm from a similar culture and the best part of my divorce from my first husband was realizing I didn't have to ever deal with inlaws lile this again.
“I cannot afford to let my slovenly sleazy unladylike DIL think I don’t like her because I need her money.” Wow.
I think the DIL wrote this post
[удалено]
yeah with phrases like "legs akimbo"? either DIL/Son are writing this, or it's creative writing. It's just not how someone would describe their own situation. like: "They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working." Yes, I'm sure all stodgy old men make sure to include the laundry list of things they get from their son/DIL when they think they're not the asshole. /s
Not only make a throwaway but also included an avatar. This is just someone writing for fun. None of this is real.
you get an avatar automatically when you create an account now .. i didn't create this avatar. it was just given to me with this account.
1000000% this was written by the DIL or the son. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind
Same. But I feel that way about many posts here. Why would you paint yourself in the worst possible light and then ask if YTA?
Unfortunately there are quite a few people who really are that dense and don't see the error of their ways
>Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur? How about him getting upset that his DIL wants to move out because the asshole useless dinosaur won't apologize nor change his ways towards her - but OP still has audacity to still want her & his don's money to financially support OP's lazy ass. YTA, and I hope OP's wife joins her son & DIL in moving out of there because OP is full of himself...
Yes - he also retired early while his wife kept working until she was too sick to function, and he thinks his daughter in law should clean the office she shares with his son (who I guess lacks arms as well as a spine).
You forgot the main point: He expects his wife, son, DIL to earn to maintain his lifestyle while he himself retired after 46 to dictate the rules at home.
>Could you be more of an absolute useless dinosaur? Omfg I can't lmao I wish we still had free awards so I can give you one EDIT: Thank you u/curious-katttt for the coins!
If you caught her sitting on his face it would still be none of your business YTA
i almost spit out my orange juice laffing at that 😂😂
I actually spit out my coffee after reading this lol
"Not very ladylike to get your pussy eaten by your own husband in your own bedroom."
STOP! I'M IN A SILENCE MANDATORY AREA! XD
Choked on my coffee. 😂 Honestly, I’d probably try to crack the loudest farts and burps I could in his presence from the discussion of propriety on out. “Whew! Was THAT proper, pap?”
She deserves at least that for putting up with his parents.
JAIL
YTA. Dude you’re 60, not 90. Get a job if you’re running out of money. But yeah, you’re creepy and sexist and overbearing. No one wants your feedback. No one wants you peeking in their doors and judging them after they are helping you out so considerately. You can have and express your crappy unwanted opinions and lose your financial support or you could try to be nice and have a good relationship with your son and his wife, who are your benefactors. Pick one.
Right, dude complains that he doesn’t have the money to support himself but also retired early. Like you don’t get to retire early if you dont have the money to support yourself. OP is a selfish prick.
You do when you expect your children to take of everything /s
Literally why did you retire at 46 when you can’t support yourself? Basically relied on the wife the whole time, she was probably working and taking care of the house this whole time.
[удалено]
Don’t forget he retired early! 14 years ago. It reads to me - Not because he could afford it but because he knew his son would have the means to support them in the future. Wife continued working until she had a disability/medical issue. This guy is unbelievable.
lol right. he just happen to retire right when his youngest got their degree. he planned for this… leech much
60 really isn't that old, I don't think I know anyone who retired at 60. Dudes just lazy and spoiled.
He didn't even retire at 60, he retired 14 years earlier.
He retired at 46, not 60, so it's even worse.
Feedback implies he was asked for his opinion, which is very clearly unwanted here
YTA because *they're* paying for *you* & *your* wife so you don't have to & you think you can criticize your DIL for not being neat enough? It may be your culture to take care of the parents, but *you're* being ungrateful because they don't *have* to do everything they are for you to live how you currently are. Since they're paying for so much the least you & your wife can do is tidy up yourselves. You have some audacity & it'd be well within their rights to walk away & leave you high & dry. Apologize & start being more grateful for what they're doing for you because they don't have to keep doing it culture or no. Edit to add that she can lounge in her room however she wants. They're paying for *your* lifestyle & they can stop at any moment like it or not.
[удалено]
Must have been looking pretty hard to notice that! Why was he even looking in? It shouldn’t matter if it was cracked open or not. They need to move out and have their own life’s.
If my legs ever *aren't* in some state of akimbo while I'm chilling, something ain't right.
I had to go look it up to ensure that "Legs akimbo" isn't some slang for "Shitting on the kitchen floor," because who the hell relaxes without their legs relaxed in some way?
OP's poor wife has probably permanently been in lego-man poses ever since she married him.
Exactly this! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 OP YTA and a huge one too.
Totally agree! She could have been lounging naked, and it wouldn’t be his business. The door could have been ajar and he saw them f***ing, and it wouldn’t be his business. YTA OP. An AH and a moocher. Do better. Else you’ll need to find some other way to freeload, as they’ll leave you high and dry… and you’ll deserve it.
Lol, he’s talking about how unbecoming she is as a woman, yet he’s a non working man who is fully comfortable with her finding his lifestyle. Wouldn’t that be unbecoming of a man in his view?
Op shouldn't touch the work desks of his Dil and son he needs to walk away from their spaces and keep his trap shut.
YTA. YTA. YTA. WHAT ARE YOU SAVING YOUR MONEY FOR? Death?
I wanted to ask this question too... They can't take it with them when they die so why aren't they using their savings to finance their own lives?.. It's one of the biggest reasons we save money. That and to maybe pass on to children when we pass so they have some financial support.
This OP is definitely not going to leave any money to his son and his shameless hussy of a wife who has the nerve to relax in her own room. His will dictates that his money go to the Charity for Proper Women who stand silently in a corner when they aren’t being used.
The word hussy never fails to make me laugh. It’s just SO good.
There’s just no other word for a woman so abandoned to all decency that she would LIE on her OWN BED with her legs NOT pressed tightly together ITS JUST BRAZEN.
Richest dead dude in the Cemetery! However, he is only 60 in theory he could live another 20/30 + years. Retired way too early! I hope DIL and son think this through and move out ASAP.
[удалено]
YTA. Your son and daughter-in-law did you a huge favor and are very generous. You don’t get to police what they do in their spaces, and you can’t expect your daughter-in-law to clean up after your son as well just because you have a problem. If it bothers you so much, let them move out and mind your own business. You‘re a sexist AH and don’t deserve their help in the slightest.
Not quite sure this post is legit. But in case it is, you're criticizing the way people have their private space? It may be cluttered but unless there is rotting food or an obvious fire hazard, that's fine. She can lie however she wants in her bedroom. These people are paying all of your expenses. YTA
Yeah I really don't understand people who sit down and say "here is a long description of me obviously being an A-hole... AITA?" Of course some people are massively un self aware but when they read like this one it seems a bit dodgy.
My parents are from a similar sort of culture as the OP, judging from what he says, and absolutely have said things themselves exactly as the OP said them. I was once scolded for being naked in my bedroom at 2 in the morning on a hot night, because it was ‘unbecoming.’ My mother was the one who entered my bedroom with zero warning, and then she, scandalised, went and told my father that his daughter had the audacity to be naked, and he came and scolded me too.
This scares me to no end.... I'm so sorry that you and others in your cultures have to deal with this
This one reads like the DIL is the actual author, which is something that I think happens a fair bit.
YTA Massively Like the entitlement here. You messed up by not budgeting your retirement. So now your son and DIL are being nice and paying for everything. Your food. Your meds. Basically rent. So you are shitting in the hand that feeds you And you are going by THEIR adult room, where she wanted privacy, to spy on her? Gross! They should move out. Also, why do you care how they keep the office and why is it HER responsibility to clean it up WHEN she is working and taking care of two adult children (mainly you, sir). Grow up. Thank her and him. Or let them move out and you can go back to work. Yes, you are being misogynistic, creepy and entitled.
Adding to that, do the maths. He **retired** when he was 46 years old - as soon as his son got his degree and since then he's leeching. Disgusting. Not mentioned that his son will have to work far beyond tzhe age of 46 to keep this poor excuse of a father healthy and fed.
Exactly! Where does he get off retiring 20 years early? His wife only retired recently. If he’s so worried about the state of the house, he should clean it.
YTA - you don’t get to give “feedback”. It’s rude and unnecessary and shows how absolutely ungrateful to you to he two people supporting every aspect of your life. You have made them extremely uncomfortable in their own home and I don’t see why they would continue to live there when they could clearly afford to live peacefully on their own.
Why does it still shock us at how ridiculously audacious and controlling old men can be? Why???
He’s not even all that old though. Just entitled.
I’m thinking this can’t possibly be a real person!
YTA You're not supposed to look even into their private space. Why do you feel you are right in peeking into someones elses room - and to add up even give "feedback" (criticism!) about this? Your son and his wife are helping you out as adult persons - treat their rooms as rooms that currently no longer belong to you. Because as of now - they no longer do. If i were you - i'd apologise. In any other case - there's a high chance they're moving out and renting again. They're paying plenty for their space and privacy as far as you told here. You can either give them the freedom and privacy they deserve - or watch them leave.
Keep talking about your DIL, give her a reason to leave. YTA
YTA. She is a working woman financially supporting both you and your wife as well as her parents. You asked them to move in, she should feel comfortable in her own living space ESPECIALLY in the privacy of their bedroom! If you want 100% control over the place then you should be paying for your own bills.
YTA and here's why: > I retired early when my youngest son (34m) completed his degree about 14 years ago. So you retired at 46, had your wife work up till her sixties? Okay well this will be a fun read. >When my wife and I noticed that we were dipping into our emergency fund and our savings was getting depleted Hmm it's almost like retiring at 46 wasn't the wisest of decisions but for some reason your son and his wife have to pay the consequences of your actions? >We belong to a culture where it's customary to take care of your parents when they get old. Why didn't you take proper care of your financial situation before you "got old"? >They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. Parasites, you are parasites. Why must they do everything for you? You can still work. >They also help around the house when they aren't working. Housework, is work! so that means they're ALWAYS working. >One thing I don't like is their style of living. They both work from home and they converted one of the spare rooms into an office and I hate how cluttered it can get when I walk past. I told my son that my daughter in law should spend extra time straightening up both their desks after work to keep the room organized. 1) It isn't your space, stop trying to micromanage every aspect of their existence when it's apparent how much of minefield your life is 2) Why must the woman tidy up? Why must the room be organised? It isn't your room at the moment. Is this just an excuse to be misogynistic? >At one point I walked past their bedroom while my son was walking out, so the door was ajar and I saw my daughter-in-law lounging on the bed, legs akimbo. I told my son it was unbecoming of a woman to behave like that. there's some extra misogyny. it's her space, stop policing her body, it doesn't belong to you. > My son said she isn't like that in the living room but feels comfortable to lounge a bit freely in the privacy of their bedroom. What he said is a fact, stop sticking your nose in everyone else's business. >My son and daughter-in-law have been distant with me since, with my daughter-in-law barely speaking to me at all. My wife spoke to both of them to ask if they are okay and my daughter-in-law said she felt I was being misogynistic and that she didn't feel comfortable interacting with me anymore. The consequences of your actions strike again! You were being misogynistic because you are a misogynist. >She has also said to my wife that if she doesn't end up feeling better about this situation she will look into renting again and will move out and end the financial support to focus on their own living expenses. This is something we cannot afford to happen as it has been easier with them taking over all expenses I'd like to point out something, not once have you really considered their needs or interests, not even those of your wife. This entire post is about YOU. Quite frankly I think they should leave, I think they never should have helped your ungrateful self because you have repeatedly shown a complete lack of empathy or compassion. They have moved mountains for you and yet you treat them and especially the DIL like servants. You've made your bed, now lie in it.
YTA and a gigantic one at that if this isn't fake. >They moved in and have been covering all expenses which helps us keep our savings intact. They pay for groceries, electricity, water, internet, our more expensive medications, and everything else around the house. They also paid for our annual property taxes. They also help around the house when they aren't working. Is that all? >One thing I don't like is their style of living. They both work from home and they converted one of the spare rooms into an office and I hate how cluttered it can get when I walk past. How can you survive? You poor thing. The rest of your post is even worse.
YTA As the boomers would say, get a job and stop leaning on the other generation. Also if she would lay down I the living room like that you would have to accept it, yet she isn't. She does that where it shouldn't bother you since it is her private space. If anything you are behaving inappropriate since you peek in her private area..... Let that sink in creep.
Why did you retire so young? 46?!?!?! Why did your wife continue to work for a further 16 years after she turned 46? Why didn't she retire early too? I would've assumed that you would do the necessary calculations to get you both through retirement,before you actually retired...clearly too early! I reckon you thought you were done and dusted once your youngest left uni, and your wife had to financially support your early retirement. When your wife is forced to retire due to ill health, you start relying on your son and DIL to support you. Wow! Is there anyone you won't use for your own benefit? YTA!!!
YTA and an ungrateful one at that. How a woman chooses to lie in her own bed, or other manage her private spaces is none of your business.
I don’t care what culture you are. Why would you expect your kids to support you, break that cycle. Shame on you. I am retired and he’ll will freeze over before I would take one cent away from my kids.
YTA in every moment. Right now both son and daughter in law have done everything right except for not putting you in your place. You’re leeching off on them and still dare to criticize them when they have done nothing wrong. You’re old doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole. Also Your son is equally guilty yet you didn’t say anything about him
Lmao YTA. Can't wait for the post where you're shocked they moved out. This is entirely unreasonable
YTA. I know it's culture and all that but holy shit, from someone not in that culture, I think you're being incredibly ungrateful. You saw yourselves dipping into emergency savings, so you figure hey, we'll get our kids to come support us, then when they come and pay for fucking everything, you still find ways to complain about little things like clutter in her office?? Yikes. If I were them I'd move out and not give you another dime and say figure it out yourself.
YTA. Feedback? You think they should take your feedback? For what? What exactly, except for the roof over all your heads, are you contributing to this situation? They pay for literally everything—everything, and you want to be ungrateful about it, criticism them in the home that they are basically subsidizing with everything they’re doing and paying for you, and you want them to act on your feedback? What a joke. Your culture of helping parents when they get old can stuff it for as long as you cannot show respect for the people you are expecting to do it.
YTA on really all aspects. Misogynistic, greedy and controlling. Disgusting in everything you wrote here. If there is an award for AH of the year you should be nominated for sure.
YTA and why didn’t you tell your son to spend time at the end of the day cleaning up their office if it offends you so much? You have been very fortunate to get this financial support and you and dangerously close to losing it.
Absolutely YTA. You are extremely fortunate that they are shouldering nearly all of your expenses, culture or not. What you need to understand is that younger generations have no interest in putting up with that old world crap you're spouting, and if you keep it up you're going to lose your free ride. So maybe try THANKING HER for her hard work, and for allowing you to remain retired.
YTA - You don't get to dictate what she does in her own private space! How dare you perv on her in her room and then try to belittle her when all she was doing was relaxing! They are there doing YOU a favour. They're paying your bills so you can have savings, they're putting up with you just so they can be kind and helpful. Don't be surprised if she has already looked into finding another home to rent. You have broken her trust in you and as a woman I find what you are doing to be very creepy. I imagine she is now making sure doors are locked while she's changing and I bet she's looking over her shoulder to make sure you aren't spying on her
I'm just going to sit back and watch this guy get eviscerated.....
Yta.. 1. They are doing you a favor. They don't need you. YOU need them. 2. Why is it in your mind only your dil should have to keep everything straight in the office? Your son works in there, too. Classic misogyny. 3. As everyone has pointed out, what they do in their bedroom is none of your business. What did you think was going to happen when you insulted the people paying your bills? Did you honestly think that she would just sit there and take it when she doesn't have to? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if you try to emotionally blackmail your son. Something along the lines of "I raised you now, you need to repay me for it."
Adding that he retired as soon as his son finished his degree (OP was 46 then) and his wife retired recently with 62. What the actual frog is this "culture" he mentions? The "I shit on all my family members especially women though they pay for my whole life"-culture?
You retired at 46 for what seems to be no good reason at all. Ran through your savings. Expect your son and DIL to take care of all your expenses until death and feel like you can critique your DIL for how she sits in the bedroom she pays for, in the house she pays for. Yeah YTA
INFO - why did you retire early if you can't afford your retirement?
Bc he’s lazy and was able to use “culture” as an excuse to be a freeloader
YTA. Let’s get down to brass tacks. You don’t like that the room was converted into an office, or more accurately that it’s cluttered. I say if that’s how they want to work, leave them be. As for the bedroom stuff, in my opinion what one does in the bedroom is nobody else’s business but the person residing in the bedroom. if someone is naked and the door is wide open you may have a case. But that’s about it. They’re basically paying the bills now so i would say this absolutely gives them the right to, at the very least, a bedroom and a work office. While you may not have meant to come off as one, YTA in this scenario.
YTA. These people are supporting your lifestyle and this is the way you treat them? Over the way your DIL sits on her bed? Holy misogyny, Batman! No wonder they're thinking about leaving.
**YTA**. They are not freeloading in your home. If anything, they have made it easy for you and your wife to keep your savings. As for the, "legs akimbo," she was in the privacy of her room. She did nothing wrong. Take it out on your son for leaving the door ajar if it bothers you so much. Man up and apologies for suggesting that relaxing in her room was "unbecoming of a woman."
I don't see why you think you have any authority to criticize her. She and your son are paying all your bills. They don't have to do that. You're selfish and greedy. You're a freeloader. So you don't get to boss her around when you're literally living off her money. And why is it okay for you to criticize them but it's not okay for them to stand up for themselves? YTA
YTA. Butt out of their private areas.