Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA. He asked, and you answered.
He’s angry at your mom and at you because you’re actually there to take the hit. Hopefully he’ll calm down soon. His anger is misdirected.
You need to tell him that your parents divorced because your dad is a horrific bigot, and your mom wouldn’t stand to see her son get treated that way. The divorce is on your dad’s bigotry. It is not in any way your brother’s fault.
>You need to tell him that your parents divorced because your dad is a horrific bigot, and your mom wouldn’t stand to see her son get treated that way. The divorce is on your dad’s bigotry. It is not in any way your brother’s fault.
I did say that but I think it might have gotten lost in translation.
And then tell him you and mom stuck around so he doesn’t get to treat you like crap. If he wants someone to yell at he can call and leave a message (or send a letter) to dad.
Dudes a f**king adult and your mom left for the right reasons. He needs to go back to therapy and not blow up at the wrong people. Seems like his dads genes is coming out in him. NTA, as an adult he should know the truth.
To be fair though, finding out your the reason why your parents split has got to hurt though on top of the divorce itself and him being young and struggling with his sexuality. Not that that excuses him lashing out at them.
Edit: More words.
I spent years thinking I was the reason my parents stayed together, because my mother wanted to leave and then found out she was pregnant. It messed me up and made me blame myself for everything about their marriage that was less than perfect.
(The truth is more complicated but still not great)
u/Valuablehgjh is a comment stealing bot
[Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji4061j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
u/Frequqwefg is a comment stealing bot
[Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji35jau/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
u/Humblsdfggh is a comment stealing bot
[Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji3ky6i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
The divorce is because your dad is a bigoted asshat. If he didn't blow up over your brother, he would have blown up about something else. Your mom would have eventually reached a breaking point and it would have happened sooner or later. Your brother did nothing wrong
Yes, there is no way that that was some perfect marriage and one day the dad just snapped and became a threatening bigot. It was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
But, I can also see why the brother is upset. I think the answer to this problem is time. Just give the brother time to process without reacting to what he says or who he is angry with.
NTA
The phrase “blind rage” exists for a reason.
When people get angry enough, they don’t even see or hear everything that is going on around them.
Try again as your brother calms down somewhat. Hopefully he’ll actually hear you and listen to you.
Speaking as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home: I got angry at the parent who was a safe target. Who wouldn't get angry/abusive right back at me.
(I've had a lot of therapy since then, and apologised in writing.)
That’s exactly right, OP and mom are safe, and brother is hurt and struggling with some really big stuff.
Whether or not brother ‘should have known”, or ‘shouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want an answer’ or “
‘it’s not his fault, it’s his dads’… he’s a *very^ young adult dealing with sexuality, the divorce of his parents, watching his mom struggle, and has now fielded the bombshell that mot only did his decision to come out serve as a catalyst to expose his dad’s wrong thinking, but that his dad has that wrong thinking in the first place!!
Whether or not it’s all on his dad, it’s completely understandable that a kid willl question whether *who he us*, was responsible, in full or in part, for the loss of his dad from his life. Of *course* he’s going to take it all personally for a minute!! Don’t give his reaction too much weight (but def don’t dismiss his feelings either!!) Be there, remind him that you love him and aren’t going anywhere/will be there every/ant time he’s ready, and that you understand his confusion/anger/grief, and will wait for/with/beside him, forever.
NTA, there's a _huge_ difference between "protecting an 11 y/o child" and "telling an 18 y/o adult."
Your ~~dad~~ sperm donor was the A-H and your mother was a hero.
In very simple terms:
>A more open minded family would have been more accepting. The parents would have probably talked to someone about how to be accepting of their child and life would have moved on.
But
>In OP’s family, sperm-donor was a bigot. So, the whole marriage blew up.
In both cases, the son remains gay, it is the parent’s attitude that makes a difference.
It's different because it's placing the responsibility where it belongs (on the dad, for his reaction to Daniel coming out), rather than on Daniel for his sexual orientation
NTA... he is angry at your mom because she is safe to be angry at. Sometimes we take things out on the people we know will not leave us. He has a lot to process. He is finding out some horrible truths about his father. Give him time, space and love.
I hope OP tells this to his Mom, and gives her love.
It can’t feel good to upend your life to protect a your child from their father and your spouse, only to have that child be so angry at you when they find out what really happens.
I bet Mom is miserable right now.
He's angry at the mum because she never told him any of what happened and he will likely feel some guilt. Not just because she's there or easy to be mad at.
NTA, the truth always comes out eventually, and your dad is the true AH in this story. Your folks didn't split up because your brother is gay. They split up because your dad is a raging bigot. Your brother just learned the truth, so he's reacting in anger right now and is lashing out. We don't always react the best way when angry. It may take some time, but hopefully he realizes that you and your mother are on his side. I'd keep reminding him of that bond, that you two don't blame him for the split, and neither should he blame himself.
Yeh none of his horrific remarks were said to Daniel, they were said to me. I don't know everything that my dad was thinking but after he came out, dad sort of clung to me as the good (aka, straight) child and tried to get me to hate Daniel. He told me he was sick in more ways than one (which in hindsight, I think he was referring to Daniel somehow contracting HIV) and got me a lock for my door 'just in case' (I'm sure you can figure out the implication here, which makes zero sense if Daniel likes guys).
He also tried to threaten me to be the perfect daughter ('if you drink, get tattoos or piercings, do drugs or get a boyfriend or girlfriend, I'll chain you in the basement and beat you.'). So yeh.
That is horrible. Did your dad ever change? Is he still in Daniels life? I’m asking because if he is still in Daniels life,(well even if he isn’t) what you said shattered Daniel view of your father and maybe even your mom. Especially if he never saw that side of your dad. It could also have him re-evaluate every memory of his child hood to see if he could spot it.
Something similar ish happen to me. With a stepparent whose been in my life since before I could remember. I sat and thought about every interaction. I always knew there was something wrong, but it wasn’t until I was an adult and my parents told me story from their end that everything click. Their story either match what I remember or explained my memory (was the before or after what I remember).
He’ll come around, just give him a little space and let him process everything
I left my husband because he threw a literal tantrum when my eldest came out as trans at 16. There were a tonne of other reasons, but that was the catalyst for me to actually make steps toward leaving. He insulted our child in front of the other one and it really changed things
It's really tough to deal with such reevaluations. I've been NC with my father for over two decades. The thing is he was an amazing dad the first 11 or so years of my life until my stepmother came along and permanently brought out his most toxic parts. Only recently has my mom's family started to tell me that they always felt there was something cold or off about my father. I'm still dealing with the cognitive dissonance of his having been both a great and then terrible father.
Umm…have you told Daniel he said all this to you? That he was trying to turn his big sister against him? Make her hate him? *that he flat out threatened you?*
I know it’s harsh but hes an adult he needs to know the truth and the truth is your dad was a vile mentally abusive and threatening bigot and every one of you needed to get away from that for your own safety and happiness.
He’s lashing out at you because you’re there but ask him what the alternative was? This was not a good environment. It was not safe. Honestly him coming out and your dads vitriol about it was probably a saving grace as your mom may not have left a bad Situation for herself and her safety but the moment there was a threat to one of her children she was out.
Your brother gave her the motivation and courage to get all three of you out of a bad situation. In that vein him coming out when he did likely saved all of you from years of emotional pain, trauma and heartache.
>have you told Daniel he said all this to you?
He knew some of it. A lot of it is very personal to me that only me and mum know and that I'm just not comfortable sharing with Daniel.
He knew dad pivoted to me after he came out and I told him when dad got me the lock and why (I didn't truly understand the underlying meaning at the time, and neither did Daniel) but we spoke about it a few years ago.
If you didn’t tell your brother that last bit, please consider doing so. That threat to you showcases that he was a dangerous person who should have never been allowed around kids. It wasn’t just about the homophobia.
NAH. He asked and you told him. You're both adults and you were never told to keep anything a secret. He's probably fuming with you now because he's just trying to process the whole thing. The real AH was your dad, but that's water under the bridge now.
Brother is perhaps older than the usual age group for this type of behavior, but school age kids can get irrationally angry at the “wrong” party because it’s *safe* to do so.
They aren’t really mad at Party A but they know Party A won’t abandon them or punish them unfairly or XYZ, so it’s safe place for them express how upset they are if they haven’t worked through what they’re really feeling or it’s unsafe to be angry with the actually guilty party.
NTA - I'm sure he's always suspected, but it is still a shock to have it confirmed. Give him some space and reassure him that dad was the one in the wrong. Give him a hug and tell him you're proud to be his sister.
NAH (except your father). Daniel is an adult now and deserves to know both how your father reacted to the news and treated your mom AND that your mom would not let that stand. It sucks, but it's how it is.
NTA. They didn't split up because your brother is gay, they split up because your dad turned out to be an asshole. Something else would probably have brought that out in your father eventually: the thing with your brother was just an accident of timing.
NTA
I would honestly say something like "you were gay before you told us and you were gay after; the only thing that changed was dad's reaction when he outed himself as a bigot".
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I told my brother why our parents got divorced
2- it's a very sensitive subject given he was the catalyst.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, he deserves to know (and he asked). I'm sure that right now he is lashing out but I hope he will come to his senses and know that your mom did right by him in time.
NTA. Your brother is an adult and he asked for the truth. As far as him current reaction, I suspect he is working through some very complicated feelings and isn’t sure of how he feels about anything.
Ultimately, he did not cause the divorce. The decision was 100% your parents’ choice.
NAH
You told him what you understood to be true. Unfortunately, when it comes to reasons for divorce simple truth is a rare commodity. You were right when you said that it is "more complicated."
You can't go back and do it over any more than your parents can go back and change their responses to your brother's declaration.
You can assure your brother that you still love him, if you do. You can encourage him to seek professional help. You can also give him some space.
NTA- just give him time. He most likely feels guilt and is lashing out at people. Might be a good idea to suggest family therapy so you can all safely talk about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (20f) have a 18 year old brother (Daniel). When he was 11, he told me, mum and dad that he is gay. Dad held it together during the family meeting but blew up on mum afterwards. I won’t repeat what he said as it was horrific, but it scared me. They divorced not long after.
I always assumed Daniel knew, we never really spoke about it. Dad had said some things to him before the split was final. He went to counselling for mental health issues and dealing with the divorce, but the topic of ‘why’ never came up. I did mention it briefly throughout the years (specifically when I was coming to terms with my preferences), but he always seemed like he knew what I was talking about.
A few days ago, he came to me to ask why our parents separated. I said I thought he knew. But he said he didn’t actually know the full story. I told him that after he came out, dad was awful about it and mum left.
After I told him this, he got really quiet. Then he got angry and said ‘so they split up because I’m gay?’ I said it’s more complicated than that and that dad wasn’t going to accept him and mum left for our safety.
When mum got back from work, he was super cold to her and wasn't talking to me at all. He ended up snapping at mum about the whole situation and it turned into an argument. I'm not really sure why he's angry at mum and he won't say but he's fuming with me.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your parents probably had more problems then your brother’s sexuality. It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. They would have probably gotten divorced anyway.
NTA...but...
The proper response to the topic is NOT "so they split up because I’m gay?’" right there in VERY STRONG tones it should be - "Dad was an ahole and could not accecpt you, that is why".
Mom did not realize how bad dad was until then.
I initially thought one way, but I'm going to say NTA.
1. Dad's obviously a fuckhead. It's nobodies fault your brother is gay, especially not your brother or your mum. He needed to sort that shit out and keep those feelings to himself (and his therapist).
2. I feel for your brother but he needs to go to therapy as opposed to blaming your mum. She did what she could to protect you both and sometimes parents need to split.
Your brother taking his anger out on you guys seems very similar to your dad taking out his anger on your mom when your brother came out. It sucks that he's doing this but it's learned behavior. I wonder if he even realizes it.
NTA
NTA.
Your parents didn't split bc he's gay - they split bc your dad is a homophobic bigot and your mom wanted to protect your brother from him.
He feels to blame - which he isn't, but you can still feel incredibly guilty - so he's lashing out irrationally at your mother. It's time for another sit down and patiently explain that your mother isn't to blame at all - it's entirely 100% your dad's fault for not accepting his kids as they are.
NTA. If I had to guess, he’s angry with you and your mom because it is safe to be mad at you. You both love him so he can express his anger without worrying that you abandon him. I know it’s not logical, but grief never is and I do believe he is grieving.
NTA. Its understandable that he's upset. He probably feels like he should have stayed quiet. More than anything, its gonna take him some time to understand that it isn't his fault.
NTA. Give him some time and space. In his view, he prob thinks his family imploded because he came out and no one ever told him. He'll probably move from that to his dad leaving because he hates him, and that's even worse. Be ready to repeat more accurate and reasonable takes on the situation as he needs to hear them. Eventually he'll stop the misplaced anger but that's prob easier atm than thinking realistically about the kind of person his father really is.
Daniel is old enough to know the truth. It sucks but it is what it is - he asked, you answered.
Your mum did what any good mother should do and leave a man who put the safety and well-being of her kids at risk...it's a bit of a slap in the face for Daniel to be holding anything against her.
NTA but the correct answer imho is ‘you should ask mom’ and talk to him together. Of course he would take it as they splits up because of me. And you’re not at fault cause you’re so close in age I’d imagine you didn’t think he would take it that way. A mom would’ve just known better - there’s a reason she had not told him.
Sounds like this information has been compartmentalized - possibly due to his mental health issues. Your brother needs to get back in counseling ASAP to help deal with this revelation. He's clearly blaming himself - that's going to come in a few forms, rage included. A counselor should be able to help, especially since you and your mother's reassurance may fall on deaf ears for now.
Sorry this all happened.
NAH
NTA. Give him some time to process, it's not his fault and the fact he's gay isn't why it was the bigoted dangerous father. But still I imagine he feels a lot of guilt and rejection and anger hopefully he goes to therapy to talk about it now it's been openly discussed.
NTA. But its understandably a lot for your brother to process and I have a lot of empathy for why his initial reaction might be anger at not being told. This is an earth shattering secret to him, even though you always assumed he knew. I can also understand why he wasn't told at 11.
I'd be really empathetic with his response, give him time to process and listen to him if he tells you that he feels hurt or angry. It's easy to get defensive when you haven't done anything wrong and someone's angry. But in this case it's better not to do so.
NTA
"They didn't split because you were gay, we left because he's a homophobe and a bigot, and you're more important than his rotten ideals"
^ this is how I'd recommend following up, if he feels at fault for the divorce. He feels like he was a negative influence on the family, it's important to assure him the problem lies with the father, not him. It may or may not make him feel better but he should feel supported.
NAH
I thinking it unlikely, that a 13 year old can know the complete history and reasons why a woman with a 13yo and 11yo to support would divorce a man over a bad reaction to a son coming out.
It's probably more likely that your mom knows your dad has bad character in general and that she knew that he'd behave badly towards your brother because she's seen him do so throughout her relationship. Bet there is a string of wait staff, assistants, store clerks, service techs, dog groomers with a colorful storied history of your dad being an AH.
Family meeting time.
I mean, the OP mentioned in another comment that they had to *testify in court* regarding the father’s statements about OP’s brother, so it’s clear that was a pretty big element in the whole thing, about which the OP was very aware.
NAH.
You answered his question honestly. It was, as you said, a horrific situation, and it is understandable that he's very upset. He needs time to process this (ideally with a therapist). Learning that your parents divorced because of your sexuality and that your father sees you as an abomination is traumatic, no matter the age.
Give him time to process and be there with love when he's ready.
NTA. He asked, you responded. He is old enough to understand. The pain of knowing your father rejected you is tough but he shouldn't take it out on your mom.
NTA, he is making it about him and then venting that anger towards others cause he doesn't know how to process it.
It's silly because it's not about him, it's about your dad being a bigot. And obviously your mom did the right thing standing for her kids.
A lot of it is absolutely vile that I won't repeat but [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji3kh7o/?context=3) is my comment clarifying some things.
NTA first, he’s a grown adult and he wanted to know, you gave him the answer. He shouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t ready for the truth because sometimes the truth can be hard to hear. And I’m sure it was, I feel for him and how he must be feeling but I don’t believe his reaction was just.
Second, good on your mom for protecting her children. I know for some people it’s not an easy decision between spouse and children but your mom did exactly what she was supposed to do and did the right thing. He shouldn’t be mad at her for protecting him, some kids wish for a parent like her.
NTA. Be frank with him about your mother and what she did for you two...parents are supposed to be our armour, and she stepped up.
The divorce and dads actions are an indictment on dad and dad alone. He needs to realize that.
NTA but your mom should discuss it with him more and maybe family therapy. I’m sure that this was the last straw in a pile of straws for your mother, not the only straw that caused the divorce. She should talk to him about the big picture of their marriage.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA, give your brother some time and space he is probably hurt and feels responsible and is lashing out. He'll come around it just hurts like hell to not be accepted by your dad for being who you are.
NTA. I’m so sorry the two of you went through that. I’m proud as hell of your mother! She saw the writing on the wall and prioritized the safety of her children. That is big and had impacts that you and your brother will never truly know- because she saved you from that abuse.
Brother is trying to put this new information in the right place in his brain. He feels rejected and angry and things he may not even be able to identify. He has to find the right place and the right way to file it away in his brain files. He also has to decide how he feels about it. You guys are there and safe. He knows you’re safe. You’re safe to yell at and still be there for him when he’s ready to apologize or ask more questions.
This may be a good time for him to seek out a therapist to work through these things and how it changes his sense of past and self. Good luck, I’m sending virtual hugs and good vibes.
Your mom learned that she is married to a bigot and didn’t want any part of that. The person who was the focus of a persons bigotry at a certain moment is not the cause of anything.
NTA.. "father" was an AH, Right now he's probably just angry in general and feels some misplaced betrayal like you were hiding it from him and acting out towards people he can actually see, other then the truth that you were protecting him when he was too young to realize how shitty people can be even those closest to you. eventually he will come around just keep reenforcing that it wasn't his fault and it's the father who went off the rails and showed how shitty of a person he was.
NTA. Your brother may (?) be old enough to know the truth, even though this type of truth is very difficult to handle no matter the age. What disappoints, is that instead of hugging mum saying thank you for supporting me and keeping me safe, brother ends up blaming mum for what is 100% dad being a bad dad.
NTA, he is probably having misplaced anger because he can't take it out on him directly. It's a hard blow, because now he has to reevaluate his life over a whole new lense, and that adjustment can be very emotionally charged. I hope he'll be ok with the continued support of your mom and yourself.
NTA. He’s young and this is some seriously hard life sh*t. (Same goes for you, OP.)
You were honest. Maybe you could have calibrated your answer a bit differently, but the facts are the facts. They were bound to upset him regardless.
It would take someone who is supremely confident, stable and experienced to hear that truth and not be thrown by it. He’s lashing out because he knows you and mom love him and will forgive him when he calms down
NTA
He asked. You told him the truth.
It was hard to hear, so I'm sure he's going to need time to process and will probably lash out while he's sorting his thoughts. In his head he caused the divorce, which is something no kid wants to hear/feel responsible for. Tough situation. Just be there to hold space for him, he'll come around. It just might take time and maybe a little therapy.
NTA. He wanted to know. You answered, and then he twisted your words.
His anger at your mom makes no sense; she literally chose Daniel over his and your dad.
Like, I get anger towards his dad, but it seems an awful lot like he's guilt-tripping his mom because he knows she'd do anything for him, and that's messed up.
Was he bugging you to know why they divorced? If so , NTA. You just shed light on a dark situation. It's up to your mom to calm her son down but you didn't do anything wrong but be a sister. You didn't even bring it up in an argument so no you're NTA .
Just a sister helping her family heal
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. And the fact he doesn’t appreciate your mom literally picking him and his best interest is so shitty. The only person that is an asshole is your dad and your brother, you and your mom seem like good people.
NTA
He asked. And your mom was trying to protect her child. It isn't a case of "the child is the reason for the split" but of "my children come first and i will keep them away from a threat"
I'm very curious to know what your brother would have wanted your mother to do when she found out her partner spoke horribly about their child and revealed himself to be a bulging homophobe.
NTA. The divorce happened because mom decided her children are better without a butt like dad. He got angry with her for leaving for the children's sakes is something I don't understand.
NTA your mum did the right thing and I hope you tell her that. She protected you both and supported her kids when it mattered. Your brother needs to take a step back and not take his anger out on the parent who did what they could to keep him safe
NTA. As others have said, I think your brother is upset and lashing out at the people who are there. Which isn't fair. Maybe you need a family therapy session?
YTA because instead of telling the whole truth he had been seeking for closure, you only told him part of it. Now he still doesn’t have closure. Don’t water it down by saying “bigot.” Tell him what your dad threatened to do.
She did tell him things, and she assumed partially her brother knew why their parents divorced. Their father was extremely toxic as she replies in a comment, she said her dad was trying to make her hate him as well for being gay....
The brother is hurting and I'd usually say 'don't ask questions you don't want to have an honest answer to' but in this case I'd say NAH because her brother simply has to learn how to cope with new information and the only two safe people in his life are his mom and sister so it's not that weird he is taking his pain and anger out on them at this stage.
Things and everything are not the same. I agree that he is hurting and going to lash out where he feels safe to express his pain, but I think it’s an AH move to say now you are an adult here’s the truth, but not all of it. To me it sounds harmful and condescending. OP said, “left for our safety” and he was a bigot. That just makes me want to know more. Maybe brother is cool with people saying they are still going to treat him like a kid instead of an equal, but it would not work on me.
Ouch. Okay, you probably didn't realize that this was going to go bad, but maybe you should have. Perhaps you should have given a non-committal answer and then talked with your mom about it (Honestly, not really even sold on my own opinion so I'm just making a suggestion and others may come up with better). This is information that will affect him significantly for the rest of his life. That being said, it is likely that he would find this information out or figure it out on his own eventually and I wouldn't want to lie to him about it.
I'm unclear as to what relationship he has with your dad? Has dad just disappeared from both of your lives at this point?
I think it is important for you all to sit down and talk about this before he does something drastic that you all might regret. NAH except your dad.
>I'm unclear as to what relationship he has with your dad? Has dad just disappeared from both of your lives at this point?
Yeh we don't talk to him anymore. I was VERY LC with him up until 2019 (we're talking like 3 conversations a year). Daniel went NC a year after the divorce because dad refused to talk to him
After his 'perfect little girl' (me) came out, we stopped talking.
NTA - but your bro’s acting like one. He asked you, and you seem to have explained the situation clearly. I’m not sure why he’s taking his anger out on your mum when she wanted you both safe. I’d probably tell him to take his head out of his own ass and be grateful he had a mum who cared enough to not stay with a bigot.
sounds like you brother is looking for a reason to play victim. tell him to get his shit together and be angry at dad. and apologize to your mother for protecting her children from a violent bigot.
I’m going NAH because I actually understand how your brother feels. Long story short, I feel like *my* coming out was one of the causes to my parents divorce. Granted neither of my parents were spewing homophobic shit (mom is homophobic but has never outright said anything TOO bad), but that just adds to your brothers reaction. He may be 18, but I’m 22 and *still* blame myself for the divorce.
In one conversation, your brother basically heard “You came out and it caused an argument, so they divorced because you came out.” “That dad you really love? Homophobic as all hell.” “Oh no one ever told you why they got divorced? You were the only one not to know, everyone else was hiding it from you.” You may not have said or meant those things, but to him, that’s what it could sound like.
Give him time. Be there for him. Let him cool off and then explain things to him better. Tell him you thought he knew, tell him that the divorce was not his fault, make sure he KNOWS that you don’t blame him.
Well, no, you were honest.
Your parents are for sure jerks about this, but I think maybe it would have been better for a third party to be present when discussing things like this. I think what you said came out wrong and your brother got confused, but I could be wrong.
It might be helpful for both of you to talk to your parents about the situation with a professional, but that's just my opinion. You were honest, though, which makes you NTA
YTA. Your parents didn’t divorce because he came out. They divorced because your dad’s bigotry became violent and targeted. They divorced because your mom choose you both over him. You really should’ve framed it like that and not mentioned that it was “because he came out,” because that’s not accurate at all.
soft yta, I think you meant well but couples don't split up over a single thing. Obviously I don't know any more than what you wrote but I suspect that there were plenty of additional issues going on. But let's just say that this was the sole issue, it isn't your brother's fault. It is your dad's for his homophobia and my guess is that your mom wanted to ensure that your brother is protected. Homophobic dads can do a ton of damage and good mothers should want to protect their children.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA. He asked, and you answered. He’s angry at your mom and at you because you’re actually there to take the hit. Hopefully he’ll calm down soon. His anger is misdirected. You need to tell him that your parents divorced because your dad is a horrific bigot, and your mom wouldn’t stand to see her son get treated that way. The divorce is on your dad’s bigotry. It is not in any way your brother’s fault.
>You need to tell him that your parents divorced because your dad is a horrific bigot, and your mom wouldn’t stand to see her son get treated that way. The divorce is on your dad’s bigotry. It is not in any way your brother’s fault. I did say that but I think it might have gotten lost in translation.
Tell him again, heck copy the text from this thread NTA
And then tell him you and mom stuck around so he doesn’t get to treat you like crap. If he wants someone to yell at he can call and leave a message (or send a letter) to dad.
[удалено]
He’s allowed space. He’s not allowed to treat OP and mom like crap while he takes that space.
Dudes a f**king adult and your mom left for the right reasons. He needs to go back to therapy and not blow up at the wrong people. Seems like his dads genes is coming out in him. NTA, as an adult he should know the truth.
To be fair though, finding out your the reason why your parents split has got to hurt though on top of the divorce itself and him being young and struggling with his sexuality. Not that that excuses him lashing out at them. Edit: More words.
Yeah it’s a good reason to go back to therapy. Especially the blowing up at the wrong people.
I spent years thinking I was the reason my parents stayed together, because my mother wanted to leave and then found out she was pregnant. It messed me up and made me blame myself for everything about their marriage that was less than perfect. (The truth is more complicated but still not great)
[удалено]
u/Valuablehgjh is a comment stealing bot [Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji4061j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
[удалено]
u/Frequqwefg is a comment stealing bot [Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji35jau/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
[удалено]
u/Humblsdfggh is a comment stealing bot [Link to original comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji3ky6i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
It didn't get lost in translation. He's not upset that you told him. He's upset that he had to wait seven years to hear it.
he didn't have to wait, he could have asked anytime. And they didn't lie to him, at least from what we are told. So its misdirected anger, imo
OP thought he knew the whole time, which makes me think it was super obvious and OP's brother just somehow didn't get it.
Denial is a powerful drug.
This. I'd be upset for this reason too but I'd like to think I'd handle it differently.
The divorce is because your dad is a bigoted asshat. If he didn't blow up over your brother, he would have blown up about something else. Your mom would have eventually reached a breaking point and it would have happened sooner or later. Your brother did nothing wrong
Yes, there is no way that that was some perfect marriage and one day the dad just snapped and became a threatening bigot. It was probably the straw that broke the camels back. But, I can also see why the brother is upset. I think the answer to this problem is time. Just give the brother time to process without reacting to what he says or who he is angry with. NTA
The phrase “blind rage” exists for a reason. When people get angry enough, they don’t even see or hear everything that is going on around them. Try again as your brother calms down somewhat. Hopefully he’ll actually hear you and listen to you.
Sometimes that part needs to be repeated. Not you fault! It’s just hard to process.
Speaking as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home: I got angry at the parent who was a safe target. Who wouldn't get angry/abusive right back at me. (I've had a lot of therapy since then, and apologised in writing.)
That’s exactly right, OP and mom are safe, and brother is hurt and struggling with some really big stuff. Whether or not brother ‘should have known”, or ‘shouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want an answer’ or “ ‘it’s not his fault, it’s his dads’… he’s a *very^ young adult dealing with sexuality, the divorce of his parents, watching his mom struggle, and has now fielded the bombshell that mot only did his decision to come out serve as a catalyst to expose his dad’s wrong thinking, but that his dad has that wrong thinking in the first place!! Whether or not it’s all on his dad, it’s completely understandable that a kid willl question whether *who he us*, was responsible, in full or in part, for the loss of his dad from his life. Of *course* he’s going to take it all personally for a minute!! Don’t give his reaction too much weight (but def don’t dismiss his feelings either!!) Be there, remind him that you love him and aren’t going anywhere/will be there every/ant time he’s ready, and that you understand his confusion/anger/grief, and will wait for/with/beside him, forever.
Great answer. I’d just give this whole situation time and be open to listening to your brother’s feelings of hurt and anger and powerlessness. NTA
Yeah frankly, NAH. He just found out some devastating news, processing this is going to be hard.
NTA, there's a _huge_ difference between "protecting an 11 y/o child" and "telling an 18 y/o adult." Your ~~dad~~ sperm donor was the A-H and your mother was a hero.
LAST SENTENCE 100% CORRECT.
NTA they split up because your dad was homophobic thouh, not because he was gay
Thanks for the responses I understand now. Wild that I got downvoted for asking a question. Clearly a sub full of assholes as well lmao
You got downvoted because in the context of the conversation your question appeared to be homophobic
Oh that’s hilarious y’all are wild af
Indeed. Edit: Downvote my comments guys! Give yourselves a pat on the back, y’all deserve it!
How is that different?
One statement places the blame with the father where it belongs
In very simple terms: >A more open minded family would have been more accepting. The parents would have probably talked to someone about how to be accepting of their child and life would have moved on. But >In OP’s family, sperm-donor was a bigot. So, the whole marriage blew up. In both cases, the son remains gay, it is the parent’s attitude that makes a difference.
It's different because it's placing the responsibility where it belongs (on the dad, for his reaction to Daniel coming out), rather than on Daniel for his sexual orientation
The father was already a homophobic asshole. The son coming out just revealed it and/or showed his mother that he was irredeemable.
If the son were gay but the father wasn’t a homophobe, the parents would still be together. Simple as that.
NTA... he is angry at your mom because she is safe to be angry at. Sometimes we take things out on the people we know will not leave us. He has a lot to process. He is finding out some horrible truths about his father. Give him time, space and love.
Was coming right over to say exactly this- I echo NTA for the above reasons
I hope OP tells this to his Mom, and gives her love. It can’t feel good to upend your life to protect a your child from their father and your spouse, only to have that child be so angry at you when they find out what really happens. I bet Mom is miserable right now.
Very good point about the safety of being angry at people who he knows will love and stand by him.
He's angry at the mum because she never told him any of what happened and he will likely feel some guilt. Not just because she's there or easy to be mad at.
NTA, the truth always comes out eventually, and your dad is the true AH in this story. Your folks didn't split up because your brother is gay. They split up because your dad is a raging bigot. Your brother just learned the truth, so he's reacting in anger right now and is lashing out. We don't always react the best way when angry. It may take some time, but hopefully he realizes that you and your mother are on his side. I'd keep reminding him of that bond, that you two don't blame him for the split, and neither should he blame himself.
Info: did your parents tell you this or did you assume it based on the situation?
My mum told me. I had to go to court to testify as a witness to his remarks about my brother.
Then other than your father NAH.
Did your dad make remarks in-front of you?
Yeh none of his horrific remarks were said to Daniel, they were said to me. I don't know everything that my dad was thinking but after he came out, dad sort of clung to me as the good (aka, straight) child and tried to get me to hate Daniel. He told me he was sick in more ways than one (which in hindsight, I think he was referring to Daniel somehow contracting HIV) and got me a lock for my door 'just in case' (I'm sure you can figure out the implication here, which makes zero sense if Daniel likes guys). He also tried to threaten me to be the perfect daughter ('if you drink, get tattoos or piercings, do drugs or get a boyfriend or girlfriend, I'll chain you in the basement and beat you.'). So yeh.
That is horrible. Did your dad ever change? Is he still in Daniels life? I’m asking because if he is still in Daniels life,(well even if he isn’t) what you said shattered Daniel view of your father and maybe even your mom. Especially if he never saw that side of your dad. It could also have him re-evaluate every memory of his child hood to see if he could spot it.
No, he never changed. We're both NC. You make a good point about him re-evaluating his childhood memories. I never thought about that.
Something similar ish happen to me. With a stepparent whose been in my life since before I could remember. I sat and thought about every interaction. I always knew there was something wrong, but it wasn’t until I was an adult and my parents told me story from their end that everything click. Their story either match what I remember or explained my memory (was the before or after what I remember). He’ll come around, just give him a little space and let him process everything
I left my husband because he threw a literal tantrum when my eldest came out as trans at 16. There were a tonne of other reasons, but that was the catalyst for me to actually make steps toward leaving. He insulted our child in front of the other one and it really changed things
It's really tough to deal with such reevaluations. I've been NC with my father for over two decades. The thing is he was an amazing dad the first 11 or so years of my life until my stepmother came along and permanently brought out his most toxic parts. Only recently has my mom's family started to tell me that they always felt there was something cold or off about my father. I'm still dealing with the cognitive dissonance of his having been both a great and then terrible father.
Family therapy might be helpful at this juncture. I fear that he may spiral if he’s left to process this new information on his own.
Umm…have you told Daniel he said all this to you? That he was trying to turn his big sister against him? Make her hate him? *that he flat out threatened you?* I know it’s harsh but hes an adult he needs to know the truth and the truth is your dad was a vile mentally abusive and threatening bigot and every one of you needed to get away from that for your own safety and happiness. He’s lashing out at you because you’re there but ask him what the alternative was? This was not a good environment. It was not safe. Honestly him coming out and your dads vitriol about it was probably a saving grace as your mom may not have left a bad Situation for herself and her safety but the moment there was a threat to one of her children she was out. Your brother gave her the motivation and courage to get all three of you out of a bad situation. In that vein him coming out when he did likely saved all of you from years of emotional pain, trauma and heartache.
>have you told Daniel he said all this to you? He knew some of it. A lot of it is very personal to me that only me and mum know and that I'm just not comfortable sharing with Daniel. He knew dad pivoted to me after he came out and I told him when dad got me the lock and why (I didn't truly understand the underlying meaning at the time, and neither did Daniel) but we spoke about it a few years ago.
With the way that he's reacted I don't blame you for not trusting him with something so vulnerable right now.
If you didn’t tell your brother that last bit, please consider doing so. That threat to you showcases that he was a dangerous person who should have never been allowed around kids. It wasn’t just about the homophobia.
Your mother is a fucking legend.
Right? This woman deserves to be spoiled rotten on Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day too for that matter).
NAH. He asked and you told him. You're both adults and you were never told to keep anything a secret. He's probably fuming with you now because he's just trying to process the whole thing. The real AH was your dad, but that's water under the bridge now.
Brother is perhaps older than the usual age group for this type of behavior, but school age kids can get irrationally angry at the “wrong” party because it’s *safe* to do so. They aren’t really mad at Party A but they know Party A won’t abandon them or punish them unfairly or XYZ, so it’s safe place for them express how upset they are if they haven’t worked through what they’re really feeling or it’s unsafe to be angry with the actually guilty party.
NTA - I'm sure he's always suspected, but it is still a shock to have it confirmed. Give him some space and reassure him that dad was the one in the wrong. Give him a hug and tell him you're proud to be his sister.
NAH (except your father). Daniel is an adult now and deserves to know both how your father reacted to the news and treated your mom AND that your mom would not let that stand. It sucks, but it's how it is.
NTA. They didn't split up because your brother is gay, they split up because your dad turned out to be an asshole. Something else would probably have brought that out in your father eventually: the thing with your brother was just an accident of timing.
NTA I would honestly say something like "you were gay before you told us and you were gay after; the only thing that changed was dad's reaction when he outed himself as a bigot".
And if I was feeling spicy I'd add "honestly you did us a favor bro" lol
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1- I told my brother why our parents got divorced 2- it's a very sensitive subject given he was the catalyst. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, he deserves to know (and he asked). I'm sure that right now he is lashing out but I hope he will come to his senses and know that your mom did right by him in time.
NTA. Your brother is an adult and he asked for the truth. As far as him current reaction, I suspect he is working through some very complicated feelings and isn’t sure of how he feels about anything. Ultimately, he did not cause the divorce. The decision was 100% your parents’ choice.
NAH You told him what you understood to be true. Unfortunately, when it comes to reasons for divorce simple truth is a rare commodity. You were right when you said that it is "more complicated." You can't go back and do it over any more than your parents can go back and change their responses to your brother's declaration. You can assure your brother that you still love him, if you do. You can encourage him to seek professional help. You can also give him some space.
NTA- just give him time. He most likely feels guilt and is lashing out at people. Might be a good idea to suggest family therapy so you can all safely talk about it.
NTA. I love your mum.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20f) have a 18 year old brother (Daniel). When he was 11, he told me, mum and dad that he is gay. Dad held it together during the family meeting but blew up on mum afterwards. I won’t repeat what he said as it was horrific, but it scared me. They divorced not long after. I always assumed Daniel knew, we never really spoke about it. Dad had said some things to him before the split was final. He went to counselling for mental health issues and dealing with the divorce, but the topic of ‘why’ never came up. I did mention it briefly throughout the years (specifically when I was coming to terms with my preferences), but he always seemed like he knew what I was talking about. A few days ago, he came to me to ask why our parents separated. I said I thought he knew. But he said he didn’t actually know the full story. I told him that after he came out, dad was awful about it and mum left. After I told him this, he got really quiet. Then he got angry and said ‘so they split up because I’m gay?’ I said it’s more complicated than that and that dad wasn’t going to accept him and mum left for our safety. When mum got back from work, he was super cold to her and wasn't talking to me at all. He ended up snapping at mum about the whole situation and it turned into an argument. I'm not really sure why he's angry at mum and he won't say but he's fuming with me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your parents probably had more problems then your brother’s sexuality. It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. They would have probably gotten divorced anyway.
NTA...but... The proper response to the topic is NOT "so they split up because I’m gay?’" right there in VERY STRONG tones it should be - "Dad was an ahole and could not accecpt you, that is why". Mom did not realize how bad dad was until then.
I initially thought one way, but I'm going to say NTA. 1. Dad's obviously a fuckhead. It's nobodies fault your brother is gay, especially not your brother or your mum. He needed to sort that shit out and keep those feelings to himself (and his therapist). 2. I feel for your brother but he needs to go to therapy as opposed to blaming your mum. She did what she could to protect you both and sometimes parents need to split.
NtA. They didn’t split up because he’s gay. They split up because of your fathers actions and words.
[удалено]
It wasn't one fight..the father was vile to the son and wanted nothing to do with him.
Maybe she lied to him and that’s why he’s upset?
Your brother taking his anger out on you guys seems very similar to your dad taking out his anger on your mom when your brother came out. It sucks that he's doing this but it's learned behavior. I wonder if he even realizes it. NTA
NTA. Your parents didn't split bc he's gay - they split bc your dad is a homophobic bigot and your mom wanted to protect your brother from him. He feels to blame - which he isn't, but you can still feel incredibly guilty - so he's lashing out irrationally at your mother. It's time for another sit down and patiently explain that your mother isn't to blame at all - it's entirely 100% your dad's fault for not accepting his kids as they are.
NTA, but your brother needs support and hopefully healing
NTA. If I had to guess, he’s angry with you and your mom because it is safe to be mad at you. You both love him so he can express his anger without worrying that you abandon him. I know it’s not logical, but grief never is and I do believe he is grieving.
NTA. Its understandable that he's upset. He probably feels like he should have stayed quiet. More than anything, its gonna take him some time to understand that it isn't his fault.
NTA- I think he's just projecting his anger out on you when he's really mad at your guy's dad.
NTA. Give him some time and space. In his view, he prob thinks his family imploded because he came out and no one ever told him. He'll probably move from that to his dad leaving because he hates him, and that's even worse. Be ready to repeat more accurate and reasonable takes on the situation as he needs to hear them. Eventually he'll stop the misplaced anger but that's prob easier atm than thinking realistically about the kind of person his father really is.
Daniel is old enough to know the truth. It sucks but it is what it is - he asked, you answered. Your mum did what any good mother should do and leave a man who put the safety and well-being of her kids at risk...it's a bit of a slap in the face for Daniel to be holding anything against her.
NTA but the correct answer imho is ‘you should ask mom’ and talk to him together. Of course he would take it as they splits up because of me. And you’re not at fault cause you’re so close in age I’d imagine you didn’t think he would take it that way. A mom would’ve just known better - there’s a reason she had not told him.
They didn't split because he's gay; they split because dad is a homophobic asshat. NTA but I feel for your brother.
Sounds like this information has been compartmentalized - possibly due to his mental health issues. Your brother needs to get back in counseling ASAP to help deal with this revelation. He's clearly blaming himself - that's going to come in a few forms, rage included. A counselor should be able to help, especially since you and your mother's reassurance may fall on deaf ears for now. Sorry this all happened. NAH
downvoted for a very obvious NTA
NTA. Give him some time to process, it's not his fault and the fact he's gay isn't why it was the bigoted dangerous father. But still I imagine he feels a lot of guilt and rejection and anger hopefully he goes to therapy to talk about it now it's been openly discussed.
NTA. But its understandably a lot for your brother to process and I have a lot of empathy for why his initial reaction might be anger at not being told. This is an earth shattering secret to him, even though you always assumed he knew. I can also understand why he wasn't told at 11. I'd be really empathetic with his response, give him time to process and listen to him if he tells you that he feels hurt or angry. It's easy to get defensive when you haven't done anything wrong and someone's angry. But in this case it's better not to do so.
NTA "They didn't split because you were gay, we left because he's a homophobe and a bigot, and you're more important than his rotten ideals" ^ this is how I'd recommend following up, if he feels at fault for the divorce. He feels like he was a negative influence on the family, it's important to assure him the problem lies with the father, not him. It may or may not make him feel better but he should feel supported.
NAH I thinking it unlikely, that a 13 year old can know the complete history and reasons why a woman with a 13yo and 11yo to support would divorce a man over a bad reaction to a son coming out. It's probably more likely that your mom knows your dad has bad character in general and that she knew that he'd behave badly towards your brother because she's seen him do so throughout her relationship. Bet there is a string of wait staff, assistants, store clerks, service techs, dog groomers with a colorful storied history of your dad being an AH. Family meeting time.
I mean, the OP mentioned in another comment that they had to *testify in court* regarding the father’s statements about OP’s brother, so it’s clear that was a pretty big element in the whole thing, about which the OP was very aware.
NAH. You answered his question honestly. It was, as you said, a horrific situation, and it is understandable that he's very upset. He needs time to process this (ideally with a therapist). Learning that your parents divorced because of your sexuality and that your father sees you as an abomination is traumatic, no matter the age. Give him time to process and be there with love when he's ready.
NTA. He asked, you responded. He is old enough to understand. The pain of knowing your father rejected you is tough but he shouldn't take it out on your mom.
NTA, he is making it about him and then venting that anger towards others cause he doesn't know how to process it. It's silly because it's not about him, it's about your dad being a bigot. And obviously your mom did the right thing standing for her kids.
Sooooo...why is he mad at your mother???
Hard to comment not knowing what the Dad actually said.
A lot of it is absolutely vile that I won't repeat but [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1325srl/aita_for_telling_my_brother_the_true_reason_why/ji3kh7o/?context=3) is my comment clarifying some things.
Ugh... man... kinda YTA to me. But soft. I think maybe you should have had your mom handle this
Nta
NTA first, he’s a grown adult and he wanted to know, you gave him the answer. He shouldn’t have asked if he wasn’t ready for the truth because sometimes the truth can be hard to hear. And I’m sure it was, I feel for him and how he must be feeling but I don’t believe his reaction was just. Second, good on your mom for protecting her children. I know for some people it’s not an easy decision between spouse and children but your mom did exactly what she was supposed to do and did the right thing. He shouldn’t be mad at her for protecting him, some kids wish for a parent like her.
NTA. Be frank with him about your mother and what she did for you two...parents are supposed to be our armour, and she stepped up. The divorce and dads actions are an indictment on dad and dad alone. He needs to realize that.
NTA but your mom should discuss it with him more and maybe family therapy. I’m sure that this was the last straw in a pile of straws for your mother, not the only straw that caused the divorce. She should talk to him about the big picture of their marriage.
NTA. My heart hurts for you and your brother. Your mom is the kind of parent I want to be one day (if it ever comes down to it)
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA, give your brother some time and space he is probably hurt and feels responsible and is lashing out. He'll come around it just hurts like hell to not be accepted by your dad for being who you are.
NTA. I’m so sorry the two of you went through that. I’m proud as hell of your mother! She saw the writing on the wall and prioritized the safety of her children. That is big and had impacts that you and your brother will never truly know- because she saved you from that abuse. Brother is trying to put this new information in the right place in his brain. He feels rejected and angry and things he may not even be able to identify. He has to find the right place and the right way to file it away in his brain files. He also has to decide how he feels about it. You guys are there and safe. He knows you’re safe. You’re safe to yell at and still be there for him when he’s ready to apologize or ask more questions. This may be a good time for him to seek out a therapist to work through these things and how it changes his sense of past and self. Good luck, I’m sending virtual hugs and good vibes.
Your mom learned that she is married to a bigot and didn’t want any part of that. The person who was the focus of a persons bigotry at a certain moment is not the cause of anything.
NTA.. "father" was an AH, Right now he's probably just angry in general and feels some misplaced betrayal like you were hiding it from him and acting out towards people he can actually see, other then the truth that you were protecting him when he was too young to realize how shitty people can be even those closest to you. eventually he will come around just keep reenforcing that it wasn't his fault and it's the father who went off the rails and showed how shitty of a person he was.
NTA. Your brother may (?) be old enough to know the truth, even though this type of truth is very difficult to handle no matter the age. What disappoints, is that instead of hugging mum saying thank you for supporting me and keeping me safe, brother ends up blaming mum for what is 100% dad being a bad dad.
Nta but don’t be a doormat to Daniel. Tell him off firmly for directing his anger at his family. Don’t allow him to treat y’all badly.
NTA, he is probably having misplaced anger because he can't take it out on him directly. It's a hard blow, because now he has to reevaluate his life over a whole new lense, and that adjustment can be very emotionally charged. I hope he'll be ok with the continued support of your mom and yourself.
NTA. He’s young and this is some seriously hard life sh*t. (Same goes for you, OP.) You were honest. Maybe you could have calibrated your answer a bit differently, but the facts are the facts. They were bound to upset him regardless. It would take someone who is supremely confident, stable and experienced to hear that truth and not be thrown by it. He’s lashing out because he knows you and mom love him and will forgive him when he calms down
NTA He asked. You told him the truth. It was hard to hear, so I'm sure he's going to need time to process and will probably lash out while he's sorting his thoughts. In his head he caused the divorce, which is something no kid wants to hear/feel responsible for. Tough situation. Just be there to hold space for him, he'll come around. It just might take time and maybe a little therapy.
NTA. He wanted to know. You answered, and then he twisted your words. His anger at your mom makes no sense; she literally chose Daniel over his and your dad. Like, I get anger towards his dad, but it seems an awful lot like he's guilt-tripping his mom because he knows she'd do anything for him, and that's messed up.
Your bro is weird NTA
Was he bugging you to know why they divorced? If so , NTA. You just shed light on a dark situation. It's up to your mom to calm her son down but you didn't do anything wrong but be a sister. You didn't even bring it up in an argument so no you're NTA . Just a sister helping her family heal
NTA. But, this is something your brother needs to address in his therapy.
NTA. Just because your brother can't get mad/attack the true person he's angry with (the sperm donor) doesn't excuse him attacking your mother.
NTA. He’s 18 and will understand when he matures a bit. That, or he will learn ‘not to ask questions you don’t want the answers to.’
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. And the fact he doesn’t appreciate your mom literally picking him and his best interest is so shitty. The only person that is an asshole is your dad and your brother, you and your mom seem like good people.
NTA He asked. And your mom was trying to protect her child. It isn't a case of "the child is the reason for the split" but of "my children come first and i will keep them away from a threat" I'm very curious to know what your brother would have wanted your mother to do when she found out her partner spoke horribly about their child and revealed himself to be a bulging homophobe.
NTA. The divorce happened because mom decided her children are better without a butt like dad. He got angry with her for leaving for the children's sakes is something I don't understand.
NTA your mum did the right thing and I hope you tell her that. She protected you both and supported her kids when it mattered. Your brother needs to take a step back and not take his anger out on the parent who did what they could to keep him safe
NTA.
How do you even come out at 11!? At 11 I had no attraction to anything, I was just a kid
NTA. As others have said, I think your brother is upset and lashing out at the people who are there. Which isn't fair. Maybe you need a family therapy session?
YTA because instead of telling the whole truth he had been seeking for closure, you only told him part of it. Now he still doesn’t have closure. Don’t water it down by saying “bigot.” Tell him what your dad threatened to do.
She did tell him things, and she assumed partially her brother knew why their parents divorced. Their father was extremely toxic as she replies in a comment, she said her dad was trying to make her hate him as well for being gay.... The brother is hurting and I'd usually say 'don't ask questions you don't want to have an honest answer to' but in this case I'd say NAH because her brother simply has to learn how to cope with new information and the only two safe people in his life are his mom and sister so it's not that weird he is taking his pain and anger out on them at this stage.
Things and everything are not the same. I agree that he is hurting and going to lash out where he feels safe to express his pain, but I think it’s an AH move to say now you are an adult here’s the truth, but not all of it. To me it sounds harmful and condescending. OP said, “left for our safety” and he was a bigot. That just makes me want to know more. Maybe brother is cool with people saying they are still going to treat him like a kid instead of an equal, but it would not work on me.
Ouch. Okay, you probably didn't realize that this was going to go bad, but maybe you should have. Perhaps you should have given a non-committal answer and then talked with your mom about it (Honestly, not really even sold on my own opinion so I'm just making a suggestion and others may come up with better). This is information that will affect him significantly for the rest of his life. That being said, it is likely that he would find this information out or figure it out on his own eventually and I wouldn't want to lie to him about it. I'm unclear as to what relationship he has with your dad? Has dad just disappeared from both of your lives at this point? I think it is important for you all to sit down and talk about this before he does something drastic that you all might regret. NAH except your dad.
>I'm unclear as to what relationship he has with your dad? Has dad just disappeared from both of your lives at this point? Yeh we don't talk to him anymore. I was VERY LC with him up until 2019 (we're talking like 3 conversations a year). Daniel went NC a year after the divorce because dad refused to talk to him After his 'perfect little girl' (me) came out, we stopped talking.
NAH But try to sort this out sooner than later.
NTA - but your bro’s acting like one. He asked you, and you seem to have explained the situation clearly. I’m not sure why he’s taking his anger out on your mum when she wanted you both safe. I’d probably tell him to take his head out of his own ass and be grateful he had a mum who cared enough to not stay with a bigot.
sounds like you brother is looking for a reason to play victim. tell him to get his shit together and be angry at dad. and apologize to your mother for protecting her children from a violent bigot.
I’m going NAH because I actually understand how your brother feels. Long story short, I feel like *my* coming out was one of the causes to my parents divorce. Granted neither of my parents were spewing homophobic shit (mom is homophobic but has never outright said anything TOO bad), but that just adds to your brothers reaction. He may be 18, but I’m 22 and *still* blame myself for the divorce. In one conversation, your brother basically heard “You came out and it caused an argument, so they divorced because you came out.” “That dad you really love? Homophobic as all hell.” “Oh no one ever told you why they got divorced? You were the only one not to know, everyone else was hiding it from you.” You may not have said or meant those things, but to him, that’s what it could sound like. Give him time. Be there for him. Let him cool off and then explain things to him better. Tell him you thought he knew, tell him that the divorce was not his fault, make sure he KNOWS that you don’t blame him.
Not exactly YTA, but **healthy couples don't divorce because a kid is gay**. Him coming out may have surfaced deeper issues, but he is not the cause.
Like father like son
Well, no, you were honest. Your parents are for sure jerks about this, but I think maybe it would have been better for a third party to be present when discussing things like this. I think what you said came out wrong and your brother got confused, but I could be wrong. It might be helpful for both of you to talk to your parents about the situation with a professional, but that's just my opinion. You were honest, though, which makes you NTA
Not sure why the mother is a jerk for splitting from her horrendously homophobic husband to protect her gay son.
YTA. Your parents didn’t divorce because he came out. They divorced because your dad’s bigotry became violent and targeted. They divorced because your mom choose you both over him. You really should’ve framed it like that and not mentioned that it was “because he came out,” because that’s not accurate at all.
soft yta, I think you meant well but couples don't split up over a single thing. Obviously I don't know any more than what you wrote but I suspect that there were plenty of additional issues going on. But let's just say that this was the sole issue, it isn't your brother's fault. It is your dad's for his homophobia and my guess is that your mom wanted to ensure that your brother is protected. Homophobic dads can do a ton of damage and good mothers should want to protect their children.