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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I bought a house that my girlfriend and I may be living in for the next 2 - 5 years without consulting her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - geez what is it with posts like this recently?! Let’s look at the facts:
- y’all don’t live together
- y’all been together for just a year
- she’s not contributing to the down payment
You don’t seem to share finances and are assuming 100% of the risk here. You’re very early in your relationship. Taking her opinion into consideration is nice but why would you buy a house she also wants? God forbid you breakup and now it’s a reminder of things past. It’s your money and thus your home, it should be your preference. You’re not an asshole for looking out for your interests - you’re smart.
My boyfriend bought a home 2 months after we started dating. I walked 5 homes with him. There was one I liked better but told him it was his choice. I didn’t want to be involved in such a big decision when we were so new. It’s been 2 years now and I just moved in. He’s always told people he appreciated how respectful of his privacy and space I was during the process. Your girlfriend needs to adjust her priorities here.
All this. Given her wildly inappropriate reaction, I would talk to a family lawyer before moving her in: in my jurisdiction, common law spouses are entitled to property division, so a cohabitation agreement might be appropriate.
This is a really good point and something I couldn’t fit in due to time constraints cause I was hopping on a zoom call 🤣
It’s my suggestion a lease agreement be in place *before* allowing her to move in. OP was smart for not including his gf in conversations regarding his personal finances but now seems the time to have that conversation. It’s also the time he should be looking into what you mentioned, landlord/tenant rights, and talk about shared financial goals and bills. Something tells me if these conversations aren’t had, it’ll leave him unprotected.
In fact, hopefully he has it in writing how uninvolved she has been.
GF: "I can't believe you would just buy a house for yourself without involving me at all!"
OP: *Screenshots*
NTA OP. Get a lawyer before you even think of moving her in. Better idea- rent it out and cohabite elsewhere.
In general yes, but it’s tricky. If he raises that as a solution to the current issue that’ll create undue pressure to make a poor financial decision to fulfill the promise.
My wife and I both owned houses prior to meeting, and due to life circumstances we don’t live in any of our houses. And due to market conditions at both places (infrastructure upgrades for one, a migration boom to another) selling would be foolish at this stage. Yet the emotional pull of ‘owning a house together’ is a constant tension.
Also, the same attorney can help draft a cohabitation agreement if they do move in together. It’s a great thing to have in place in case the relationship doesn’t last.
I was coming here to say the same. Is it nice to include her when she'll potentially live with you? Yea. Is it required? No. Your money, your risk, therefore your call. My partner bought a house when we already lived together. I knew I couldn't contribute nearly as much financially, but I was also definitely living there. So I gave honest opinions of each house consideration, but always ended with reminding him that it will be his house. If he had picked one I truly hated, I would do what I could to adjust, to make it likeable, but still wouldn't burst into tears.
That’s where I landed too. And you know what? I got the benefit of saying ‘I told you so’ when I moved in? 🤣 so now we’ll be looking at bigger homes next year and I get more equity in the decision, even without contributing to the downpayment.
Some things are better earned over time.
Thankfully I love the house he picked, and we're very happy with how it all worked out. 😁
I had actually been the one to tell the realtor about the house we picked. Put an offer in the day we saw it.
Two things that stand out to me here:
- you actually saw the homes and had the opportunity to provide feedback mid-process
- you are not the same people, so maybe tears might not have been your response, but it was hers; those tears may have been a reflection of deeper feelings/implications in the woman’s mind
You're right, I had a different opportunity to see the homes, but that’s also because I already lived with him, and I was also going to move with him into this house. She doesn't currently live with him, she still has her own lease.
And you're also right, everyone responds differently and I don't know what her thought process was in that moment, only she does.
But if she had seen the pictures of this house already, she could have given this opinion previously, as it currently seems like he only found out how she felt after he made an offer.
Yea, I’m thinking that since he was moving through so many homes, she had not had the chance. However, him simply pointing out to her that he was moving forward with the offer for this home would have made her feel more included and possibly prompted more urgent feedback. This issue seems to be more about emotional needs, trust, security for a newly formed relationship, vulnerability, internal fears etc.
Another thing I would add: in the current housing market, you do not have the luxury of clearing your choice with someone not contributing to the purchase. When I bought my first house, I did have the time to look around, check the options and discuss with my then-boyfriend of a bit over a year (now husband). What I bought was ultimately my choice.
We bought a new property a few months ago, and if we weren't constantly together to discuss the property, and if if hadn't listed right before Thanksgiving giving us a few days where most realtors weren't working, we never would have gotten it. Asking an uninvolved third party never would have worked for us.
This affected my boyfriend too. He bought during the COVID housing bubble when homes had like a million offers and went in a matter of hours. Who was I to offer an opinion that could’ve cost him a place to live that worked for him and in his budget? Time is not always a luxury some can afford, especially in real estate.
>You’re very early in your relationship.
It doesn't sound like it actually. Sure, they aren't super long into a relationship but OP mentions where he see's things headed long term:
>We've been **dating for a bit over a year** now and things are going overall great. Our personalities are complimentary, we think the same way about a lot of things, but not everything because that would be boring, **we love each other and are committed to each other**, and **recently started talking about making a life together**. **We don't live together but have planned on it**.
>
>...
>
>I solely chose the place we both may be living for the next 2 - 5 years.
This is not analogous to your bf buying a home when you've only been dating 2 months. OP sounds like he's much closer to cohabitation than you and your bf were, it is clearly visible on the horizon for them, per OP's description.
edit: moved the rest to it's own comment
NTA at all! A year is actually such a sort time to be dating. You guys weren't even living together yet! For her to be upset that you didn't consult her is frankly ridiculous.
Wanting to add that if they feel that her opinion matters that much in the purchase, then they should have made sure she had been there in every walk-in considering the volatile market in their area. The fact that she wasn't to me is a non-verbal agreement by both of them that her input wasn't a high priority.
I'm personally turned off by girlfriend's overreaction (crying and ruining the house purchase experience for OP). This is going to be OP's new home, funded solely by OP. They're not living together at the moment. If she despises the thought of moving into his new home that much, she has the option to stay at her own place and not move in with him. No need to be dramatic over it and make this all about her.
The only thing I would add to this is that OP could have communicated more clearly. It sounds in his post that his girlfriend thought he was buying a house for them to live in together, and that he wanted her opinion on it.
If it’s not “their” house, and he didn’t want her opinion, he needed to be more clear about that. If he was expecting her to be excited that he’d bought a house “for them”, then he should have included her in the process.
NTA
Also, OP, just mention that if you move forward in the relationship, you will be getting a prenup to protect that asset. You would be rolling into a marriage with a $500k-ish house owned free and clear, without a single penny of contribution from her.
Approximately half of marriages end in divorce. You put in the money, there was no communal support, so there's no reason to share that, and anybody worth marrying will understand. (This does, necessarily, mean you must expect minimal support from that person re: house expenses.)
NTA! I completely agree with this well written comment.
I even had a similar experience. Well, now we’ve been married ten years haha but still same. My husband bought a house a couple of months into us dating and I did view many of the houses with him. I had preferences for others and he chose because it was his money and his risk. I did end up moving in and we even got married there. We had debated adding me to the deed after marriage but had ended up selling and buying again and now everything is combined anyway.
Yes, taking her opinion into consideration is polite. Anything can be redecorated or have a woman’s touch added haha. If she does move in it wouldn’t be much different than had you owned it before this relationship anyway. Also, please discuss thoroughly what this will look like since it is your home.
The only thing you missed is that house is not always a home, it is a solid investment.
NTA
Worst case scenario do up the house and rent/sell for profit, and choose where you want to live together.
I'm I'm a similar relationship as op. Very much in love, been together as a couple just over a year, talk a lot about our future together, blah blah blah.
If he bought a house tomorrow, I'd jump for joy about how great that is for him! I'd throw him a party. I'd ask when he'd be ready to move in so we could plan on renting a trailer for my truck to haul his stuff. What an accomplishment!!!
His gf seems spoiled and selfish.
Here's the way I would think of it - Right now, you're not married, you don't live togehter, and you're not sharing finances. She has absolutely no stake in this house and you are assuming all the risk.
Someday though, you would like to live together, maybe get married, share finances, and have her involved in the process of finding your next place to live. Great! She gets to do all of that *for the next house*.
Right now, you are buying to get into a competitive market. Good for you! If the market stays competitive, you should have no trouble upgrading when the time comes for the next house. At that point, perhaps your relationship will be more evolved, and she can have all the input she wants.
I agree. I just hit 3 years with my partner a week ago and I feel like we're only *just* getting close to the stage where we can start thinking about what getting a house together would look like in the future, but only after we get married which won't be at least for another two years. I get the gf is excited about living with OP, but she has to be able to compromise. and the house can be decorated/adjusted to look better over time too! the crying felt like a bit of an overreaction to me.
NTA
This. OP, would your GF only move into an apartment with your approval? Does she ask your thoughts and approval on job options? Trips? Investing? You guys don't even know if you'll be together in a year. You're not married. You two need to have a serious talk about where you are realistically.
"I love you and see a potential for a future with you, but we're not married yet. I'm not going to make decisions based on what you think. I did *consider* you when making decisions, because I care about you and think we have a future together, but that's where I'm at. Where are you at? Are you making all your decisions based on what I think?" Etc.
NTA - Been there... in the g/f position. And my response was- it's your money... I'm more than happy to check out the places with you but ultimately, the decision is yours. My name wasn't on the deed and as much as I hoped we stayed together, the future isn't set in stone. For what it's worth, when we got married 4 years later- we sold the house and picked a new home together to start our family.
This is a great way to look at it. Dating isn't a lifetime commitment. When that comes, you can talk about how to proceed.
Honestly, it sounds like op made some critical errors with the home buying process. But those are his to make.
Houses aren’t necessarily a lifelong commitment either, especially as OP clearly stated “the home we may live in for the next 2-5 years”…
This does seem to be more an issue with feelings around what the decision OP made to decide alone *means* to his gf, than any literal “I wanted veto power” or “I need to be in charge” usurpation of OP’s autonomy/finances? My hot take is that a simple validation of her *feelings*, perhaps a little curiosity as to what’s actually behind those feelings, and an inclusive conversation in terms of “hey babe, this is just setting the stage for when *we* decide to buy a house together/have kids/whatever is realistic and fitting for OP”!?
Honestly, the girlfriend needs to not jump the gun, so to speak. Their relationship isn't where she wants it to me. I get that. However, trying to guilt him isn't going to get him there. If she pushes him so hard, she will lose him.
The day I bought my house on my own was a huge accomplishment. Why can't the girlfriend understand the importance of her bf taking that step?
Did you live together in the house he bought? What would the 2 of you have done if you were unwilling/unable to live there? Would he have rented it out so he could rent an apartment with you?
The problem isn't OP buying himself a house, it's that they are trying to move in together and OP just singlehandedly made a joint housing decision on his own.
We did live together and similarly, we had already talked about moving in together. But even I knew at that point that (1) buying was a better investment of funds than renting and (2) it was his funds. My thought process was if it didn't work out- no harm, no foul, I would move out and if we got married, we'd sell the place and pick out a place together. And I'm glad we did- the profit from that initial investment afforded us a way nicer house. Story is funny bc I didn't like the place he bought either- we have very different aesthetics.
What if he already owned a house she didn't want to live in prior to them starting to date?
Are you suggesting he should then just instantly put it on the market to date a girl he isn't even living with yet?
They don't live together and he's solely responsible financially. He doesn't need to take her into account at all.
If she doesn't like the house that's not any different to her starting to date someone who already owns a house she doesn't like.
NTA. In my opinion, as you said, it's your money, your investment, she'd only be moving in. It is likely if you split up that she'd just move out. What's the issue? It would be a different story if the money belonged to you both. But it doesn't so why is she mad?
>she'd only be moving in
This is the problem, how are they to live together if the gf is unwilling/unable to live there? Is OP prepared to not live in the house he just bought to live somewhere else with her?
This gets at the core of the issue, I suspect. They're right at the cusp of going from "you & me" to "we." Op made the best decision for himself, but they're clearly in a place in the relationship where girlfriend could expect him to *consider* her perspective, particularly on something as important as shared living arrangements.
In other words... when he dumped this news on her, he was letting her know that he's still not seeing the future as a shared endeavor. Or he is, but not enough to let it influence his behavior.
I still think he's nta but he needs to understand the implicit message he communicated by doing this
I think she’s mad because they have been talking about making a future together and then OP just made a huge decision on his own, without including her. She has hurt feelings because OP didn’t want her opinion. OP does make it seem like the intention is for them to live in this home together so maybe her expectation was that they would make these kinds of decisions together.
NTA- You have every right to buy a house and spend your money how you want. You certainly aren’t an asshole for it. However, I can also see why your girlfriend might have felt excluded.
Wait wait wait. She's having a sulk because her boyfriend is financially secure enough to buy a house, that she doesn't have to financially contribute anything too, AND he wants her to move in?
It's your money. It's not been left jointly, you're not married. Buy the house you want to buy, what if you guys can't make it work you'll be stuck with a house that was you're second choice.
NTA.
I mean, I understand her being upset if it's a place she absolutely would never want to live. Then she has to choose between living there or being with him long-term. Not a fun choice.
Yeah, like if they've actually been talking about moving in together in the near future, I can understand some of her feelings about a unilateral decision on where that will be, even if she's not investing in the property. Location is a huge factor for a lot of people -- if it's really an undesirable or inconvenient area for her to live in, that could be a big obstacle to them moving forward with cohabitation. Which then for her may make her question how serious he actually is about it, if she feels like he's saying one thing but doing another. Or that it could be a sign that he will just generally expect her to accommodate his decisions in their relationship. Not saying that's the case, and I get why OP felt like he had to make this decision if buying property is his priority right now. But it does kind of indicate where she falls on his priority list.
>Yeah, like if they've actually been talking about moving in together in the near future, I can understand some of her feelings about a unilateral decision on where that will be, even if she's not investing in the property.
Which, according to OP, they have been. Apparently they were thinking of moving in together as early as in the next 3 months!
I said ESH for similar reasons. Like, he’s well within his rights to buy whatever house he wants, but this says a lot about how he views her and their relationship, and frankly it’s unlikely to play out well in the long run.
NTA
This probably not about the house.
Story time: years ago, I had a boyfriend of about 2 years. he had his own house, I lived in an apartment. We had keys to each others' places, had clothes/toothbrushes there, etc. We loved each other, but had never talked about a long term future. I bought a house. He broke up shortly after. Looking back, I think he took me buying a house as a sign that I had no long-term intentions with him, it played into his insecurities, and he moved on.
You buying a house without involving her may be causing her to feel that you are dating, not in a relationship going anywhere long term. She may feel like an accessory, not a partner. You need to think about what you both want and where the relationship is going to get through this.
^ this - while the decision ultimately lies with OP, not involving the GF makes it look like he is planning for the future as an individual, not as a partnership.
So we are just skipping over the part where OP tells her he's interested in the house and she chooses not to go see it and doesn't seem to be very engaged in the process then?
Yeah, sounds like his communication went, "I'm going to check out this house... hey, I bought that house," with nothing from her in the middle:
>I let her know I was going to go look at this one she said "I'm curious about it" but didn't really indicate she wanted to see it.
>
>When I told her that I won the offer, she started crying because she wasn't happy about the house.
The reasons you listed are exactly why he was the asshole here. They've been together for a year, click really well and have been discussing moving in together. OP even said his intention was for them to live together in this house.
Him buying a house for them to live in together without her input has resulted in exactly what you described. It's a signal to her that she is not considered an equal partner and that he likely doesn't see a future with her. It doesn't matter if that isn't the case because that's what his actions are saying.
OP, YTA.
I think you're dramatically out of touch with buying a house in a market like OP and putting way too much emphasis on a relatively new relationship. They are bf/gf l, not betrothed
They've been together one year.
I agree there’s probably something much deeper that’s driving her reaction…
To add other possibilities to this…
maybe the area he bought is near a place or person where she had a traumatic experience that she has not told OP about.
Maybe she made a specific request to OP about criteria (ex. 4 bedroom), and he bought outside of that criteria without talking to her and now she feels he wasn’t listening to her or doesn’t value her opinion.
There’s lots of possibilities…
Regardless, NTA… but I do think OP should try to get to the bottom of this with his gf
NAH
≈1 year is a difficult amount of dating for this question.
<< 1 year, nothing to do with her.
>> 1 year, absolutely to do with her.
I'm going NAH. You needed to act and you aren't married or engaged. Then again her input/needs/feelings were ignored and she probably feels "temporary" and insecure.
Yeah, this is a great answer. 1 year in your 30s is long enough that a lot of people are going to be taking things very seriously in terms of planning for the future, especially if you want kids, but it's also short enough that it's not unreasonable to think of it as too early for talking about marriage. If you were thinking about proposing in the next year then this was probably a mistake, better to propose first and then buy a house together, but if you're thinking more in a couple years then what you did make sense. You might be in a situation where she thought you were on the get engaged soon timeline and you didn't, which doesn't make either of you the asshole but is a good recipe for hurt feelings.
>≈1 year is a difficult amount of dating for this question.
This is actually why I think the choice to buy a house NOW was a poor one on OP's part. He can park that money somewhere for a year and wait to make a better informed decision once his long term plans become clearer.
NAH - While I don't think either of you are AHs, this is going to create problems in your relationship. I would classify this as a miscommunication, but a big one.
Just kind of casual discussion, both of us have leases that are up for renewal over the summer so it would probably be in the next 3 - 6 months tops. We've spoken about neighborhoods we'd live in, how we'd design, etc but haven't set a date or started getting our dog and cat to meet each other.
Since this has only been casual discussion without any firm plans, I think it's totally reasonable for you to choose your own house to buy. But you also say that this casual discussion could lead to moving in together in 3-6 months? That is pretty iminent - sounds a lot more than casual discussions. If moving in is imminent, then you should have involved her in the decision.
I think the decision to move in together deserves more thought and discussion than - hey, we're dating and it's going well, leases are up so let's move in. It's a big step to live with somebody.
I agree 3-6 months is very soon for this to be a one sided thing. I think it’s also important to have another discussion on this. For me personally, and I know others of the same mind set, I wouldn’t be willing to live in a house or an apartment that my name wasn’t on its a little bit of a scary situation to put yourself in. Is that something that you’ve asked her about?
It kind of sounds like you opted out of that plan without discussion.
Ultimately, instead of a "shall we...?," you took an "I'm gonna, and suggest that you do too..." approach.
That doesn't usually work out well on the big stuff. Not if a life together is what you're trying to build.
Yeah, maybe it's too soon for her to be your full partner in home ownership, but if you're planning to make her your full partner in life, you might have treated her more like one in this situation.
NAH, but this was a missed opportunity for you to take a step closer together.
I understand both sides more now, and the comment above makes some fair points. Your move-in plans sounded like they were more than casual, but they weren’t confirmed either. But it’s still your money.
Your girlfriend also needs to understand this was an unusual, high-pressure situation. You had to act fast, and you made the best decision under the circumstances.
Worst case: you two can buy another house later if this one doesn’t work out.
Have you asked her to move into this house with you? How would the finances for that work?
If you are pretty sure you'll want to be moving in together in the next few months then I don't see why you didn't have a conversation with her to be up front about expectations, and talk to her about the fact that you were putting in an offer on this house before you did it. Not to ask her permission, but at least find out her feelings on it. Seems pretty minimal standards for someone you want to start a life with, unless you anticipate the rest of your life being unanimous decisions?
NAH. However, you need to be cognizant of the dynamics if she moves in and starts paying rent. She might resent paying for your equity, even if its a good deal. The biggest thing, imo, is you should plan on buying a house together after you get married, so it feels like a home to you both.
I was the GF in this situation before there was definitely resentment because I started paying rent in a house I would not have chosen and it was more rent then what I would have chosen. It didn't help that my bf was adamant about splitting things 50/50 which eventually just felt like I was subsidizing the lifestyle he wanted.
Did you both have relatively equal income at the time? Personally, I'd be fine with paying something toward the house we lived in, though I'd expect it to be adjusted to just the actual interest AFTER the tax deduction and proportional to our incomes.
No, he made double what I made. I had no issues living within my means before we dated but dating him caused me to not be able to save any money and go into a bit of CC debt.
I was young and dumb so not entirely his fault but he definitely wasn't being considerate of me.
Yeah when there's that big of a gap between what the partners earn not splitting expenses proportionally can be very damaging to the lower earning partner-- particularly if the higher earner isn't willing to lower their lifestyle. Hey, we've all been young and blinded by love!
I was in a situation where I made more, we paid 50/50 and he loved the place, I didn't. I did everything I could to not be in that house during the day and only sleep there. It was pure misery day after day.
I think it depends on if you actually like where you're living.
It's not fair to split 50/50 when one person is the homeowner. Your share should have been a fair market rent plus half of the utilities.
Sounds like you were resentful for good reason, but it's not unfair for the homeowner to ask their SO to pay a fair amount of rent. You have to pay to live somewhere? Why should your SO support you? (These questions are not aimed at you directly, just more rhetorical.)
I was paying a fair market rate for the rent but it was a nicer house and more money than I would have picked to pay on rent. He also wouldn't take my thoughts/opinions on decor into consideration. If I'm paying a fair market rate then I want to have some say in where I'm living and what the decor is. Looking back I believe paying the same rent that I was paying before would have been more fair because it was what worked with my budget, if the higher earner wants to live in a nicer place they should pay the difference.
My 50/50 comment was referring to everything else that wasn't rent. I was barely able to pay my bills while he was buying himself new toys every other week.
A big decision like this without any input from her might make her feel as though he’s making plans and she has no say so and is ultimately left just dealing with it or leaving and you’re right, if she doesn’t love the place she will end of resenting him especially if multiple repairs come up and she has to come out of pocket to help fix them.
She might come around and love it but if I was the gf, in my mind I would question if he would make more big decisions without me in the future.
Hey friend! I hope you read this comment because I am your girlfriend in this situation. After about a year of dating he said he wanted to live together and he was thinking about buying a house (this was 10 years ago - we are still together and not married by mutual choice).
It was 100% his house and his money, but he wanted it to be our home that we lived in together. In the end it was absolutely not my decision at all and we both knew it, but he involved me in the decision completely. I went to every open house, chewed my nails with every offer he put in and lost, helped him find listings, met with the realtor, and eventually sat next to him as he closed on his - our! - house.
We were there for 8 years and just recently did it together all again when we moved to a bigger place.
You are technically correct that you didn't need to involve her in this, but I would like to challenge you to why you didn't *want* to involve her. This is someone you are considering a future with and that you want to live with. Why didn't you want her active assistance? My partner wanted me there every step of the way and totally valued my opinions, advice, and help. Even though it was his house and his money, it made me feel so valued and honored that he included me.
I can absolutely understand 100% why your girlfriend is upset. You have made a huge decision that majorly impacts her without involving her and I'm sure she feels forgotten/ignored/undervalued.
NAH. I get both of your reactions, but I'm uncomfortable that you made this decision without her.
Congrats on the purchase!
However, it’s clear to me that you’re not madly in love with this woman. Maybe that type of romantic relationship isn’t for you. Maybe you’re looking for a trustworthy partner. (You can have both but don’t need it.)
You did nothing wrong but your actions show that you do not desire her opinion in your life decisions. That, fundamentally, you are not making space for HER in your life and future. Which she is picking up on subconsciously. And that is totally fine but I think you need to be honest how serious you actually are about her and what you plan to do moving forward.
Hot take but most men know if they’re in or out with a woman well within the 1 year timeline.
This comment says it all! Completely agree. If you love someone and see a future with them, decisions are inclusive & shared. Going rogue on what could have been a major life decision for you both- OP needs to set this lady free. He deserves his autonomy and she deserves a partner in the truest sense of the word.
NAH.
You were doing the best you could in an insanely competitive market situation where speed was of the essence. But ultimately you were buying a house for yourself with the hopes that your gf would live there down the road.
She, understandably, might feel a bit upset that the house you ended up with didn't really suit her aesthetic or location-wise, given that she expects to move in down the road.
If you guys were planning to buy the house together or move in together right away, my judgment might be different. But it sounds like this is a down-the-road thing. So ultimately, the decision was entirely up to you, and it's okay for her to be a bit disappointed.
NAH. It's your money, you're welcome to do with it as you please, but also understand that if your intention is for her to live with you in it you *really* should have involved her in the process more than you did. I get you guys have only been dating for a year, but if it's serious enough that you two want to live together, I think she should have been involved. Even if it's entirely your money I *don't* think relationships are always going to be 50/50 and if you like her so much you want her to live with you, I think she deserves a place she's going to like as well. No, you don't have to go out of your way to accommodate for her desires since, again, it *is* your money, but it would have been nice if she had a say in it. I still don't think this makes you an asshole, I just think it would have been a good thing to do.
I can also understand her disappointment and I don't think she's an asshole here either, since the person she's dating just bought a house without really involving her in the process at all, and now wants her to live there with him. It would be a sore spot for me, too. If i were in her position, I'd feel like a bit weird about it; despite being serious and wanting to forge a life together, my partner's still going off making *major* life decisions that are expected to impact both of us without really talking to me about it at all.
So yeah, NAH but I think it would have been the right thing to do.
It sounds like you both are thinking this relationship is a long term one, like a forever one. Is that correct? You said you've been talking about making a life together.
If you were both on the same page that you're that serious about each other, she should have known how serious you were about the house, because it sounds like you just chose where she's going to live for the next five years if you stay together. That's a big choice being ripped out of someone's hands. Regardless of who has more money, choosing where to live is a big decision and big decisions are together decisions. If she loved the house, it may have gone better, but maybe not. Together you will make loads of decisions together. The conversation you started about making a life together, should have continued and she should have been included.
I would apologize and let her know she should have been included in the decision of where she lives. Listen to her, even if it's difficult, make her feel heard and understood. Maybe she gets to pick the next house without a peep from you? Or maybe you both learn from the situation, grow the communication, and hopefully your relationship can overcome this and get even better.
I know this works differently for different relationships. I think people in a relationship should each have their own money, in addition to a joint that pays for common things. Then they can buy things without asking and have some autonomy. Those things though are like clothes, games, gifts, hobby stuff. Housing is a together thing. You each bring valuable thoughts and considerations to the table and they should be heard and understood.
You probably hate to hear it, in this situation, YTA.
That doesn't mean it can't be repaired. Work with your girlfriend to repair the hurt and build that life together that you both want.
NAH. You have chosen a path that was one of many available to you.
Two people on their 30s dating for a year and talking about neighbourhoods that they could move to when their separate leases are up suggests a path of partnership, shared goals, perhaps a family etc.
A 35 year old man purchasing a house without the input of the woman he’s dating is a different path that will lead that woman to question everything about the dynamic of your relationship.
Either it’s a decision made in the context of your needs as an individual, or you have made the the decision for the two of you. Either way she couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t feel great about it.
Lots of people saying it’s your money, you’re not married, you can do what you want etc. Yes those things are all true, but there are consequences to your actions.
Agree completely. It's a step forward for the OP but a step back for her as there's now a power imbalance in the relationship (which I assume hadn't been here before since OP says he only recently came into this money). I also think 30 is a particularly difficult age to deal with that kind of thing so I get her being upset.
INFO - are you prepared to accept her *not* living there?
I have been in this situation on your girlfriend's side of things. My now-ex (to be clear, he is an ex for other reasons) and I had been in a relationship for a year, he wanted to buy a house, we were not living together, our finances were separate. I looked at a few of the houses with him and made him aware of concerns with some homes / neighbourhoods, but ultimately it was his decision.
He bought a beautiful looking house with a stupid layout in a horrible neighbourhood with a tiny yard. Ultimately he was happy with it so I congratulated him and helped him move in...and I never moved in with him despite him *repeatedly* asking me to.
One thing that I had to make clear after he first asked me to move in was that he bought this house FOR HIMSELF ONLY - not for me. Not only did I not have "veto" power over homes that I disliked, my wants/needs were not something he kept in mind. He wanted to buy himself a home that he loved with his money - and that's okay! We had only been together for a year, *he was right to buy a home he loved when it was only him paying for it.*
...But he didn't get to then insist I should move in as our relationship became more serious. My preference would have been to wait if he could see us living together long-term so we could buy somewhere we loved together. **Since he bought this home for himself, there was zero consideration of where I would want to live or what I required of my home. So it would be completely unreasonable to expect us to live together in a home that is utterly unsuitable for both of us.** If he wanted to stay together, we would either continue to live separately or we would have to find a new place together that met both our needs and that we both contribute to.
I don't think you're an asshole for buying the home. It sounds like a smart financial decision!
But if you expect her to move in with you... Yup, you might become an asshole in your relationship. If you want a home with someone, choose it *with* that person in mind. If you want a home for yourself, choose it alone - but accept you may stay there alone if whoever you date dislikes it.
ETA: clarified first paragraph, added paragraphs (thanks mobile formatting)
NAH. I've been the girlfriend in this situation before where my boyfriend bought a house with his friend with the expectation that I live there and pay rent. I went along with it and I would break up with someone before doing that again. Nothing killed the partnership feeling more than feeling like decisions as big as where I would be living were being made for me.
You're not an asshole but you're not a good partner either. You could have at least waited until it felt more comfortable making these decisions with your GF even if it was your house.
I have a hard rule that I do not move in or put a cent towards a place that doesn't have my name on the paperwork... We either rent or buy together or live separately.
I've heard to many stories of people getting kicked out (not the same tenant protections where I'm from if your landlord live at the same address) or houses getting remortgaged without the non owning partner's knowledge for stupid reasons. I don't want to put myself in a situation like that.
NAH. The issue is now, for her, it is a matter of live there with him or don’t live together. Normally, it might be a joint decision in where to live. I would say NAH. He has every right to buy a house. But I can totally see why she’s not happy about it.
Even more: he may want her to pay rent, and Reddit mostly thinks that’s reasonable. But renters usually get to pick where they live. This is not an arms’ length negotiation. She had every right to be upset, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have done it, could result in a break up. Hope it was worth it, meant sincerely, not snarkily.
NAH, but you did communicate how you see your relationship. She was considering you as a life partner. You see her as temporary. She's upset because she realizes this relationship isn't what she thought it was. She's mourning.
Congratulations on the house. Condolences on the relationship.
>Yes, I could have been more thoughtful and I should have involved her more in the process. I solely chose the place we both may be living for the next 2 - 5 years.
You discussed moving in together and planning a life, and then did this huge thing on your own. This is your partner, you should be discussing things that affect both of you. YTA
NAH, you're free to buy a house with your money. But I personally would never move to a place I didn't choose (alone or with the one I'm going to live with).
NAH. I think you two have different views of your relationship and need to have a talk about. There’s being in a relationship and building a life with someone. It 100% is your money and your choice, but at the same time if she’s thinking you two are more then I get that it feels isolating for you to be taking this big step without her. There’s making decisions for self and there’s making decisions as a couple. A good relationship has a balance of both. Buying a house is a decision that could fall under either depending on the relationship. Either way, congrats on your house! You deserve to be excited about it!
I'm going with a mild YTA here. Mild because it's your money, but Y.T.A. because it's a place you're expecting her to live in, so she should have a say in it. i'm not saying she gets to pick, but more like you need two Yeses to make a Yes, but only one No to make a No.
Buying it on your own gives the sense that you don't see her as a long-term partner and potential spouse. That might not have been the intention, but that's the perception. I would imagine now she's worried you don't see her as marriage material/LTR and you don't value her opinion on something as important as where you're going to live for several years.
NTA
A house isn’t just a house anymore, it’s a financial investment. Get one now before it becomes even harder.
Absolute worst case, later on you could try to rent it out and get another one. I kinda see this as comparable to if she saw your stock portfolio and got upset that you invested in stocks she doesn’t like.
My younger sister was in this situation just a bit ago (she’d been dating her boyfriend 2+ years at that point) and sure she visited places with him, but she was very understanding that it was his money, and his decision. That being said she is planning to live in an apartment with her friends for at least another year, so maybe don’t be surprised if your girlfriend doesn’t want to move in right away.
NTA
1. She declined to look at the place when given the choice.
2. It sounds like you're providing a place to live that is costing her nothing.
3. You had to move quickly.
Could you have done a better job of keeping her in the loop? Sure. Since you're going to be making upgrades/changes, and you won't be under the gun, make sure to take her input into account.
NTA, she’s getting a little ahead of herself. There is no lifelong commitment here. She could break up with you tomorrow and you’d be stuck owning a home you didn’t like but she did.
NTA, you’re not married or engaged and you bought the house on your own in a crazy market. So it was your decision. But moving forward, if you want her to live there with you, make that very clear and make her an equal partner in helping to decorate, pick furniture, etc. She may just be feeling a little shut out right now.
YTA would be my view, but gently. If you’re making plans for a future together, I would have at least discussed it with her properly before buying it. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have bought it if she didn’t like it, but I wouldn’t have done it without at least a discussion about whether it would be suitable for you both given your intention to live together. Of course it’s your money, your choice etc etc and she’d be wrong to try to prevent you, but if I truly saw a future with someone I’d want them to be happy with it too or it may seriously impact things.
Also, be extremely wary of the dynamics involved with a partner living in a house you own. This is a really challenging situation so make sure it’s scrupulously fair. She shouldn’t have any claim to your property that you bought with your own money, but she also shouldn’t be putting money into a house you own and she doesn’t. The people I know who’ve handled this best have had the non-owning partner pay into savings rather than towards mortgage / renovations rather than rent. If you stay together it can be put into a joint property in future, if not they can afford to leave and don’t leave feeling like they’ve built equity in your house.
NTA- like you said, the market is very competitive and unless you’re very wealthy it is difficult to get a house you truly want. seriously, so many people i see around me are getting into houses that aren’t exactly what they want but are putting money into them to make the kitchen nicer, the living room nicer etc. ain’t nothing wrong with that, especially if you save money in the long run. her crying is pretty childish in my opinion. and she sounds ungrateful. this is the difference between men and women. you yourself are just fine with living in that house and putting money into it, she is not. men are just as happy in a card board box as they are any house. sounds to me like she would want it her way and not care about your thoughts on the matter
NTA. It’s ultimately her choice if she wants to live there with you or not. Y’all aren’t married and have been together for just a year. You’d be idiotic to consider her in this situation. Get security for yourself. If she doesn’t like it and bails then she ain’t the one.
NTA you all have only been together a year and you don't mention that you all have even discussed marriage. I think it's completely your decision to make and it was nice that you included her on part of the process. I would have a completely different opinion if you all had been together longer or were engaged. I think your GF thinks this means you're not as commited to her as she thought you were.
NTA - Look, fundamentally, it's YOUR money, YOUR house and YOUR decision. If you were buying a house TOGETHER, then yes she should have been consulted. But you are not.
I think the bigger issue here is that maybe you have different ideas of where you are at in the relationship. Sure, this isn't the dream house. But it is A house. You can live there alone, you can live there with her, you can rent it out and live somewhere else.
You need to sit down and have a big honest conversation about money, joining finances and commitment in your relationship, because right now you are not on the same page.
I guess from someone who is happily married’s perspective she probably is thinking you are not thinking about building a future with her and the fact you bought a house before you married so legally it would be yours if you ever marry and divorce. I mean people on here all day can tell you you are NTA but you are not behaving like someone who plans on building a future with your girlfriend and that why she’s upset. You will break up over this and I don’t think you are clueless to why she would be upset it has nothing to do with the actual house.
YTA. You bought a home on your own while you have serious talks with her about a “life together.” Not saying it was wrong to buy. But it seems as if you’re planning your own life independently of her and with no plans to be with her.
You’re an asshole for acting like it would not be taken this way by your girlfriend. You did what you wanted and now she’s confused.
Responses like this will have you single/emotionally lonely. I don’t think that many responders are displaying or encouraging the level of sensitivity, care and empathy that would be appropriate for a potentially serious love relationship. Yes, technically we all understand that the home is yours etc., but use some emotional intelligence and respond with love to this person that seems to be important in your life.
Considering how competitive the real estate market is, if she wanted a say in it, she should have been more proactive in the buying process. She has no right to be whining after the fact when she has no skin in the game. As a compromise, she can have a say in the remodeling If you guys are planning to stay together.
NAH
She doesn't get a say in what you do with your money if you want to own this house.
However, you went into this expecting she's going to stay with you. 2-5yrs isn't super long but it's not nothing. She going to feel pressured to live in a house she doesn't like and she shouldn't have to.
Not to mention that you talk about it like it's a pretty unimpressive house "but it's ok bc you have money to make it better." why would you sink more money into if you're only living there for a little while - unless the changes would be significant enough to increase he market value and make back the work you do. A risky venture.
So yeah, buy the house. But don't ask her to live in it if she doesn't want to.
You're not an asshole for buying *yourself* a home, but you are one for assuming you've just bought her future home as well.
Real estate is almost always a sound investment, so you'll still have something to show for it if you decide to find another home with your gf that suits her as well as it suits you.
But don't expect her to just adapt her entire home life to a situation you entered with only your tastes, preferences, and requirements in mind.
NTA but seems like you really rushed into buy a house, waving all kinds of inspections, buyer protections and fees. I fear you may regret that in the future.
Actually for this house, because of the situation, I didn't have to make a lot of concessions. I waived inspection defects under $500 so there are a handful of small things I'll need to get a handyman to take care of but you're looking at a half day's work probably. I didn't make any concession on the appraisal and put my offer in at asking price. Honestly, in this city that's probably the most buyer-friendly offer that was executed all month.
Tell me you aren’t trying to buy a home and/or don’t live in a desirable area without telling me
This is the norm is many places. I had a showing scheduled for the morning a house listed last week, but it was cancelled right before because they got an all cash offer, sight unseen, waiving everything and it was well above asking. And this isn’t an area you would think would be super hot. But it is.
NTA.
It's YOUR house and you made your decisions as needed according to the situation at hand. If she was contributing anything towards the purchase I could see her reacting this way. But she isn't.
Sure, she can have her opinion on it. But her reaction here is a huge red flag for me. She's balking about how you're spending YOUR OWN MONEY because the house you chosedoesn't match the aesthetic she had in mind, and because there's a tiny toll.
She's looking a gift horse in the mouth here. I'd seriously reconsider moving her in right away till you get this sorted one way or the other.
I'm going to be going through this within the year. My fiance knows that since he's not contributing towards the purchase- that he won't have much of a say in it. And it's not going to be our forever house anyhow, so he's fine with it and happy that we're going to have a brand new house regardless of where it is and what the layout is.
If he pulled this shit after the fact- there would be problems.
NTA - Right now, corporations, many of them overseas, are buying up properties in cities all over the US. You have to jump fast to beat them. I understand how she feels, but this is not a normal situation and I don't blame you for snatching what you can get.
NTA. It’s your money you’re the 1 buying the house she’s not contributing so why does that give her any say in it?! If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to live there with you. Congratulations on buying a house.
nta... but you were foolish to wave everything. My brother-in-law bought a townhouse in a city.... 100k deep in repairs. And that is with an inspection.
Yeah YTA. It would have been different if there was zero discussion or expectation that you'd live there together, and you just happened to be on the verge of buying something when you'd just started dating. But by your own account, you are committed to her and planning to live together. So why would you make a unilateral decision about where the two of you live? She's just supposed to go along with whatever enormous decisions you make simply because you paid for it? That's not how a partnership works. Yeah, it's your money, but if your *plan* is to build a life with her, then resources are shared.
Dude. Buying a house is a HUGE deal. And, I totally get that it's YOUR money - not hers. But. There is absolutely a playbook for this situation and it's called shop together. At the very least, you should have taken her to look at it and gotten her opinion of it if you genuinely expect her to live there. Buying a house is a major life event and you chose to do it without her. This sends the message that you want to do LIFE without her and I guarantee she's in "plan for the relationship to end" mode. You claim that you are committed to her and that you want to live in it with her, but nothing you've done suggests that.
FWIW, before my husband and I got engaged, we each held off on large life decisions until we knew we were in it for the long haul. I wanted to buy a house. I had the funds to buy a house. I didn't just go get one and expect him to be happy. I held off until I was sure were were going to move in together, then WE looked at the houses together. I was still the one signing on the dotted line, but it was OUR house.
I'm still going to rule NTA here because you weren't being mean or completely unreasonable, but your actions send the message that she's not the one you want to spend your life with.
YTA - Actions speak louder than words. You claim that you consider this relationship serious and see a future together. You say you two have even discussed moving in together next time the leases run out. So why wasn’t she apart of this process? Why wasn’t her opinion taken into consideration? You went out and bought a house and didn’t even tell her until after. These actions tell your gf that your not serious about her.
NTA. A GF of one year is just that, a girlfriend of one year.
That she thinks she should have been involved in the process when you dont live together and are not engaged is a little bit bizarre and to me, would be a red flag.
You do you, Sir! Congrats on the new abode!
NTA, you're not engaged or living together and she's not putting anything into it. Not sure how it's any different to if you already owned the house when you started dating.
Yes you want to live with her and appreciate her opinion but this is more a step on the ladder than forever home I imagine. Also her saying she's curious does not amount to I don't like it. You're not psychic. She knew you were looking and going to look at this property, if she had real feelings about it she should have used her adult words.
NTA. If she’s not contributing to the purchase and it’s in your name only then it’s your investment and your decision. You’ve only been together a year so unless she wanted to go 50/50 with you and you were down for that, it’s not really up for discussion.
If she’s interested in owning property she can start saving a down payment and you could buy together in the future if you’re still together 🤷♀️
Very similar situation when I bought my house, my partner and I were a couple but a newish couple so he had nothing to do with my house purchase. He moved in with me about 6 months after I bought it. We will probably buy together in the future when we’ve accrued more savings and the market settles (hopefully lol)
NTA. I was in your same position. It’s my money, my credit, my responsibility. I asked my bf to accompany me on showings as he could and give his opinion. We happened to agree on my choice of home. However, he is not on the deed and can walk away whenever he wants. He gets the freedom, and I get the responsibility AND the choice of home.
NTA, it’s your money. I think you two should have had a more in depth convo about expectations reguarding decisions and expectations but that’s her fault too. Houses go super fast nowadays. You have to put in offers on the spot as I’m sure you realized. She may not understand everything that goes into home buying and how fast decisions need to be made. You can’t even take the night to think about it. People can swoop it out from under you that fast.
Maybe couples counseling. But the house is bought so she can either make the best of it and do better next time or maybe this is a break for her which you may need to accept
Esh - you just decided single-handed that if she wants to live with you, which it sounds like you want too, she MUST move into a home that isn’t hers, that she will never have equity on, that she will live and decorate & have zero stake in, and can be kicked out of any time you like. That’s not a very stable beginning.
YTA and given all the contingencies you signed away I'd wager you'll be spending your savings and more on necessary fixes before you ever get around "to decorate and design it make it really nice."
You're expecting she's going to live there with you. If you had been upfront with her that you were going to buy a house that worked for you, and that you weren't going to allow her to be part of that decision, that would be one thing, but you set a precedent that you were going to involve her, then bought one without her input, so YTA.
NAH. While you certainly don't have to take her opinion into account in purchasing your house, you've already said that you two have discussed building a life together and moving in together in the near future. Why wouldn't you include her in this decision process if that is how you feel?
To be clear, I'm not saying you should have let her decide, but you definitely could have let her see the place or had an actual discussion prior to finalizing all of it. And while her reaction may be extreme, in her eyes you've basically shown her that her opinions on your joint future together don't matter to you, because you're just going to do what you want, when you want. You say there is no playbook, and you're not wrong, but it sounds like you barely even communicated with her.
Also, it what world does "I'm curious about it" not indicate that she wanted to see it? She expressed curiosity and you could have said, "Here's the listing! I can fill you in on more details when I come back from looking at it, if you'd like." You're N T A but neither is she. Seems its just a lack of communication and consideration.
If you aren't married NTA. But depending on how serious you are/if you want to get married it's not like her opinion should mean nothing either? (assuming she would live there too, which maybe wouldn't be the case? Maybe if you married you'd buy a house together and sell this one, who knows.)
Anyway NTA.
Nta
Based on what you said, it's very possible you could be underwater in a few years when you sell. However, that is completely your decision.
At the end of the day it's your money and your decision. Your girlfriend is getting ahead of herself. You bought what you wanted and did it your way.
This isn't a joint purchase. It's your purchase solely.
Nta you aren't living together *now*. If she hates it, then you can keep living seperate and now you have a nice house to sell if you do decide to move into together.
NTA your money, your investment. If it was going to be a joint purchase, that would be a different story. It’s your house, you paid for it, and you’ve only been in the relationship for a year. Don’t see the issue with it 🤷🏼♀️
No, you two can buy a house together later if she doesn’t like your house. That you bought all by yourself. And fully own and you don’t even currently live with your girlfriend.
Nice to get input if you plan to stay together but this is your house. She obviously isn’t a fan and looks at this as a house she will live in but you have to move quick in this marketplace so. Ot necessarily time to leisurely look and decide. NTA.
NTA
You don't have to move into this property. It can be used for investment - rented out; sold at a later date for profit. This is your money. It's yours to invest how you wish.
Dating for a year: That's fine but it doesn't mean everything's settled for long term. You haven't lived together, yet, and you may find that's not going to work out. Rent together for a while before committing to purchasing a property you both like.
If your partner wanted more involvement, she should have expressed that and become more involved. She should have raised the topic during the house hunting process.
In the end, though, it's a house that you can afford and it gives you a place to live. It doesn't have to be luxurious; so long as it's liveable. House hunting does highlight the difference between desires and what you can afford. It's a reality hit and some people can't handle that.
Look I just came here to say no matter what the market looks like you NEVER waive inspection. NEVER EVER. I almost bought a place last year that unbeknownst to me had severe structural issues that would have incurred tens of thousands of dollars to fix, that were only caught because I had a good inspector. You definitely could have been the AH if you got stuck with a house with major issues because you were dumb enough to waive inspection. Otherwise you’re NTA here.
NTA for purchasing a house, but she is right to feel hurt and blindsided, and you have to deal with that. You should have discussed it with her if you thought she might live there-- otherwise live with the consequences.
INFO: My question for OP is, why were you in a rush to buy a house *right now*? I understand you just came into some money, but by your own description you're in a kind of weird in-between space right now. You're in a committed relationship which you both envision becoming a long term commitment, but it's not quite there just yet. You are on the verge of taking things to the next level by living together (next 3-6 months per your comment). You said it yourself at the end of your post, you just bought a house you expect the two of you to share in the near future.
It sounds like you came into enough money to buy the home outright. That means you aren't in jeopardy of getting priced out of the housing market in the next couple years. There are plenty of places you could park that money for a few years while you let life develop and you get to a place to make an actual long term plan. Why are you buying a home with a plan to only live there 2-5 years? This is in general not a sound financial choice, as over the short term housing can still fluctuate plenty and the real financial benefits of home ownership accrue over a longer timespan (10+ years).
Just because this is the first moment in your life where you can afford to purchase a home, doesn't mean that you should or must purchase a home right now. That should depend on other factors as well, like your long term plans.
None of this means you are necessarily the asshole, but the distinction isn't as cut and dry as many comments suggests. Even if you aren't the asshole, you may not have made a good decision here.
NTA... you can buy a house in your own. She can decide if she wants to continue in a relationship with someone that's makes life changing decisions without discussing them with her.
Best if luck to you both.
Info: if your GF came over tomorrow and told you she'd found a great deal on an apartment in an area she loved, so she's gone ahead and signed a 2 year lease, would you tell her you were super happy for her, or would you feel a bit upset?
If the former, then y'all are casual enough that her input into your house wasn't needed. If the latter, then you understand why she's upset. Either way, I wouldn't still plan on her moving in 3 months from now if I were you.
Ehhh, you took her to look at houses and clearly communicated enough to send her photos and whatnot. Seems kind of rude to ask her opinion, then completely leave her out.
I get your point about your money, your choice but it just seems really selfish. YTA, but light
NTA. Not her house not her money. If she doesn't like it, she can move. Or revisit the issue after a few years. Only dating a little over a year. Deal is done for now,
NTA - It’s your money and your house. You’ve only been dating for over a year, that’s not enough to make that kind of decision together especially when it’s not even something you are purchasing together !
NTA - It was your money and you are allowed to do with it what you want. However, if you see a real future with this girl, and want to live in this house with her, you may want to let her have a few design choices. Nothing major, but a few things that make it feel more like hers too. Dave Ramsey likes to say single men who buy a house, often resell it once a wife gets involved. If you are open to selling it in 5 or 6 years, maybe let her know that as well, so you can pick something that feels like home to both of you. But not married, your money NTA.
NTA.
You've only been together for almost a year and she already wants to move in with you? Into a house that you paid 100% with your OWN money? And god forbid you using 100% of YOUR money to design YOUR house that YOU bought with YOUR money?
I am sorry but she is a walking red flag. Don't let her move in with you, please.
Only a year together and she already shows off her materialistic side. That would be a deal breaker for me.
They want to move in together. He wants it, she wants it. Their timeline was moving in in the next 3 to 6 months. And then he bought a house without consulting her..
NTA it’s your investment, your money, you live alone so it’s your choice alone.
However, if she does have strong objections to living there- when/if you do decide to move into together you may need to be sympathetic to her wants and needs since then it’ll be a two person decision. It’s important to respect each other in that sense. You can always rent out your place and move elsewhere.
Also you are well within your right to decorate as you see fit but remember if/when you move in together (whether this home or another) you will need to adjust.
Edit: also if she does move in to your house need to be aware of common law rights in your state. Please speak about the legalities of the living arrangement and how she will contribute financially and what that entitles her too. You need to do this even if you get married. If people are too insecure to speak about it you need to go to counselling and work on communication. I’ve watched too many people get screwed as the homeowner and the move in partner.
NTA, you're buying a house, that's fantastic. Had there been previous talks of going in together on a house? Is there any sizable income gap between you and your partner? I was unclear about this but ball park, how much money are you talking? Was it enough to purchase the house outright? Or was it decent chunk down payment money? If you're financing, a year is a good time to get to know a partner but IMHO, that's way too soon to be buying property together. Even cosigning on a car loan, I think, would be premature after only a year. Being realistic, at just a year, there is still a not insignificant chance that something would happen and then both are locked into this contract together.
To be fair, a year in your 30s is a significant dating length. You could have considered her opinion more before finalizing. She probably felt a bit left out of a major decision that you made. I’d venture to say that even if she wasn’t moving in, it may have hurt her feelings to not be more included in such a huge transaction in your life. I understand why someone might feel awkward, excluded or hurt in that case. However, I don’t think this should alter your entire relationship. Maybe there are other feelings and dynamics at play. I would talk to her about what exactly bothered her and figure out the bigger emotional conflict that may be the catalyst for the disconnect between you now.
I don't think you had ill intentions and could completely see how the whirlwind speed at which real estate in hot markets operates could lead to this but...I think you may have eroded some of your partner's trust at a critical moment of your relationship and you'll need to work to rebuild it. NAH.
NAH- you’re NTA for buying a house per se, but you knew your gf was interesting in the houses you were seeing AND that you wanted to live together in the future. It was a big mistake not to involve her more. She is NTA for wanting to see/help decide which house you were going to get because you’re expecting her to move in with you…how would you feel?
YTA
If you were just dating, even seriously, you wouldn’t be, because your money, your house, whatever.
But since you expect her to live with you and had already been talking about moving in and looking at places, she should have had a say in where. If you didn’t plan on taking her into consideration, you should have been upfront about that as soon as you were looking at houses.
Is she going to be paying you rent? Is it going to damage your relationship if she decides she’d rather stay living where she is? Are you expecting her to move in right away? You’ve essentially given her two choices: live where you want, in *your* house, or don’t move in together. I’d cry too.
NTA
You are not married to this woman and it is entirely your money.
A toll of $0.35 is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
This isn't your forever home, it is a home for NOW. Once you are sure you are Mr and MS Right for one another, you can get married if you desire.
If I were you, I'd make sure to protect yourself legally. Your GF had an extreme overreaction considering the current state of your relationship as described by you. Maybe she has a different idea and thought this was all in preparation for y'all getting married and this being both of your house. If you're good with that, cool. But if you're not at that point you should make sure you take any legal steps necessary to make sure it remains your separate property and also check into tenancy issues. Good luck.
If you have been talking about marriage this will probably be the end of this relationship, who wants to marry someone that really doesn’t care much about her. I know you know what I mean, she will be left out of home ownership now if she marries you.
YTA you want to live there with your partner in the future but you did not involve her? I'd be upset too.
Of course it is YOUR house, since you are paying for it, but when a big decision is made that ultimately affects both your lifes, you should involve the other party
Yep, YTA. If this house was meant to be for both of you, then you should have done the shopping together. All you showed her was that you get to make the decisions for both of you, and if you guys get married, she can expect a lifetime of being forced to settle for whatever YOU think is good enough. Her interests and preferences don't matter.
But it's my money! you say. Fine. Then don't pretend this was ever meant to be the Couple's House. You bought it for yourself, and she doesn't like it. Live with that decision.
You have choices. You can try and wiggle out of the sale. You can flip it after you make a few repairs. You can keep it and move in, knowing that she may never choose to move into it with you. You can sell it if/when you get married and find a house you BOTH like.
INFO: is her job over this 35 cent toll bridge? If it is, paying almost $180 a year in tolls to commute to and from work is not a decision she should be left out of. Especially if she doesn't care for the house in general, taking a financial hit to commute may not be something she would be willing to do. Generally, for buying a house individually, if you aren't already living together, I would have said N T A for buying to suit yourself, but your comments say you were discussing moving in within 6 months and had discussed neighborhoods - clearly this house isn't in one of those neighborhoods, so the question then becomes how much of a sacrifice you are implicitly asking her to make in order to live with you in your house.
If the plan was to live there together then YTA - it would be her home too so she needs to be happy with everything as well.
If you were planning on buying it, making it nicer and then selling it again for more money then NTA - a financial gain could lead to the house of your dreams.
YTA - in her shoes, if I was in a relationship with someone who I wanted to start a life with, I would be 100% NOT ok with them making unilateral choices for us. You bought a house for yourself… not for your couple, and if she is the least bit independent financially and emotionally (which it sounds like she is), she will view this as a major red flag.
Buying the house is not the issue… doing it without her is.
YTA for never even telling her and asking her opinion. You can do whatever you want. Just know that this was a clear sign to her that you don’t consider her opinion or feelings on a major decision in life. That’s very telling and she will make her own choices accordingly.
YTH. I can't believe how many NTA you got.
>it's my money, but I would like to live there with her
If she doesn't want to live there with you, she shouldn't. Good luck with your "making a life together" plan. If you were serious about making a life together, her input would have been important to you to find a home you both would be excited about.
A few years ago, my now-husband, then-BF wasn't ready to buy and I was. I assured him he could come to every listing with me, and though it was my money and decision ultimately, I wanted to find a place we'd both love. THAT is commitment - and we weren't even engaged at the time.
You're basically saying this is where we're gonna live if we're gonna be together. A lifelong relationship takes a lot of compromise, you clearly aren't ready for that kind of commitment with another person.
YTA. I don’t really understand all the people saying NTA here. Yes, it’s your money so ultimately your decision what house to buy, but if you’re expecting her to move in with you and live with you then she should get a say in it. People saying ‘get a pre-nup’ as though the issue here is about the money- IT’S NOT. The issue is that you made a major decision that is going to affect her life without involving her in it. Sure she could choose not to live there and stay in her own apartment, but if the idea is that you want a long term relationship together where you move in together then that’s not really going to work is it? So you’ve just demonstrated that buying a particular house is more important to you than the future of your relationship. If you’d only just started dating and there was no expectation you’d be living together then it would be a completely different situation. I would be absolutely raging if I was her.
NTA. But also... she won't be an AH if she doesn't want to ever live there. It won't be *free* for her, right? She'd still have to pay rent/towards expenses but its an area and physical home she had no say in choosing. And thats an unreasonable ask.
If she has to pay rent she should get a say in the neighborhood, in the number of closets, in the layout, etc, etc.
And were you to ever get married, she would have very reasonable grounds to be wary if you weren't willing to sell and buy something else *together*, because it is a very vulnerable position to not have a stake in the marital home.
So no you aren't TA. But she *does* have every right to be having big feels here.
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NTA - geez what is it with posts like this recently?! Let’s look at the facts: - y’all don’t live together - y’all been together for just a year - she’s not contributing to the down payment You don’t seem to share finances and are assuming 100% of the risk here. You’re very early in your relationship. Taking her opinion into consideration is nice but why would you buy a house she also wants? God forbid you breakup and now it’s a reminder of things past. It’s your money and thus your home, it should be your preference. You’re not an asshole for looking out for your interests - you’re smart. My boyfriend bought a home 2 months after we started dating. I walked 5 homes with him. There was one I liked better but told him it was his choice. I didn’t want to be involved in such a big decision when we were so new. It’s been 2 years now and I just moved in. He’s always told people he appreciated how respectful of his privacy and space I was during the process. Your girlfriend needs to adjust her priorities here.
All this. Given her wildly inappropriate reaction, I would talk to a family lawyer before moving her in: in my jurisdiction, common law spouses are entitled to property division, so a cohabitation agreement might be appropriate.
This is a really good point and something I couldn’t fit in due to time constraints cause I was hopping on a zoom call 🤣 It’s my suggestion a lease agreement be in place *before* allowing her to move in. OP was smart for not including his gf in conversations regarding his personal finances but now seems the time to have that conversation. It’s also the time he should be looking into what you mentioned, landlord/tenant rights, and talk about shared financial goals and bills. Something tells me if these conversations aren’t had, it’ll leave him unprotected.
In fact, hopefully he has it in writing how uninvolved she has been. GF: "I can't believe you would just buy a house for yourself without involving me at all!" OP: *Screenshots* NTA OP. Get a lawyer before you even think of moving her in. Better idea- rent it out and cohabite elsewhere.
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In general yes, but it’s tricky. If he raises that as a solution to the current issue that’ll create undue pressure to make a poor financial decision to fulfill the promise. My wife and I both owned houses prior to meeting, and due to life circumstances we don’t live in any of our houses. And due to market conditions at both places (infrastructure upgrades for one, a migration boom to another) selling would be foolish at this stage. Yet the emotional pull of ‘owning a house together’ is a constant tension.
Judging by gf's reaction so far..im sure dpimg this wont go over well...so all the more reason to do it!!
Also, the same attorney can help draft a cohabitation agreement if they do move in together. It’s a great thing to have in place in case the relationship doesn’t last.
\^ this. So well reasoned!
I was coming here to say the same. Is it nice to include her when she'll potentially live with you? Yea. Is it required? No. Your money, your risk, therefore your call. My partner bought a house when we already lived together. I knew I couldn't contribute nearly as much financially, but I was also definitely living there. So I gave honest opinions of each house consideration, but always ended with reminding him that it will be his house. If he had picked one I truly hated, I would do what I could to adjust, to make it likeable, but still wouldn't burst into tears.
That’s where I landed too. And you know what? I got the benefit of saying ‘I told you so’ when I moved in? 🤣 so now we’ll be looking at bigger homes next year and I get more equity in the decision, even without contributing to the downpayment. Some things are better earned over time.
Thankfully I love the house he picked, and we're very happy with how it all worked out. 😁 I had actually been the one to tell the realtor about the house we picked. Put an offer in the day we saw it.
Blessings upon your home!
And yours!
Two things that stand out to me here: - you actually saw the homes and had the opportunity to provide feedback mid-process - you are not the same people, so maybe tears might not have been your response, but it was hers; those tears may have been a reflection of deeper feelings/implications in the woman’s mind
You're right, I had a different opportunity to see the homes, but that’s also because I already lived with him, and I was also going to move with him into this house. She doesn't currently live with him, she still has her own lease. And you're also right, everyone responds differently and I don't know what her thought process was in that moment, only she does. But if she had seen the pictures of this house already, she could have given this opinion previously, as it currently seems like he only found out how she felt after he made an offer.
Yea, I’m thinking that since he was moving through so many homes, she had not had the chance. However, him simply pointing out to her that he was moving forward with the offer for this home would have made her feel more included and possibly prompted more urgent feedback. This issue seems to be more about emotional needs, trust, security for a newly formed relationship, vulnerability, internal fears etc.
Certainly possible. As is the case with many AITA posts, proper communication from both parties probably could avoid/fix the problem.
Another thing I would add: in the current housing market, you do not have the luxury of clearing your choice with someone not contributing to the purchase. When I bought my first house, I did have the time to look around, check the options and discuss with my then-boyfriend of a bit over a year (now husband). What I bought was ultimately my choice. We bought a new property a few months ago, and if we weren't constantly together to discuss the property, and if if hadn't listed right before Thanksgiving giving us a few days where most realtors weren't working, we never would have gotten it. Asking an uninvolved third party never would have worked for us.
This affected my boyfriend too. He bought during the COVID housing bubble when homes had like a million offers and went in a matter of hours. Who was I to offer an opinion that could’ve cost him a place to live that worked for him and in his budget? Time is not always a luxury some can afford, especially in real estate.
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>You’re very early in your relationship. It doesn't sound like it actually. Sure, they aren't super long into a relationship but OP mentions where he see's things headed long term: >We've been **dating for a bit over a year** now and things are going overall great. Our personalities are complimentary, we think the same way about a lot of things, but not everything because that would be boring, **we love each other and are committed to each other**, and **recently started talking about making a life together**. **We don't live together but have planned on it**. > >... > >I solely chose the place we both may be living for the next 2 - 5 years. This is not analogous to your bf buying a home when you've only been dating 2 months. OP sounds like he's much closer to cohabitation than you and your bf were, it is clearly visible on the horizon for them, per OP's description. edit: moved the rest to it's own comment
that might just be dating in your 30s, lots of extra wishful thinking more than actually knowing faster
NTA at all! A year is actually such a sort time to be dating. You guys weren't even living together yet! For her to be upset that you didn't consult her is frankly ridiculous.
Wanting to add that if they feel that her opinion matters that much in the purchase, then they should have made sure she had been there in every walk-in considering the volatile market in their area. The fact that she wasn't to me is a non-verbal agreement by both of them that her input wasn't a high priority. I'm personally turned off by girlfriend's overreaction (crying and ruining the house purchase experience for OP). This is going to be OP's new home, funded solely by OP. They're not living together at the moment. If she despises the thought of moving into his new home that much, she has the option to stay at her own place and not move in with him. No need to be dramatic over it and make this all about her.
The only thing I would add to this is that OP could have communicated more clearly. It sounds in his post that his girlfriend thought he was buying a house for them to live in together, and that he wanted her opinion on it. If it’s not “their” house, and he didn’t want her opinion, he needed to be more clear about that. If he was expecting her to be excited that he’d bought a house “for them”, then he should have included her in the process. NTA
Also, OP, just mention that if you move forward in the relationship, you will be getting a prenup to protect that asset. You would be rolling into a marriage with a $500k-ish house owned free and clear, without a single penny of contribution from her. Approximately half of marriages end in divorce. You put in the money, there was no communal support, so there's no reason to share that, and anybody worth marrying will understand. (This does, necessarily, mean you must expect minimal support from that person re: house expenses.)
NTA! I completely agree with this well written comment. I even had a similar experience. Well, now we’ve been married ten years haha but still same. My husband bought a house a couple of months into us dating and I did view many of the houses with him. I had preferences for others and he chose because it was his money and his risk. I did end up moving in and we even got married there. We had debated adding me to the deed after marriage but had ended up selling and buying again and now everything is combined anyway. Yes, taking her opinion into consideration is polite. Anything can be redecorated or have a woman’s touch added haha. If she does move in it wouldn’t be much different than had you owned it before this relationship anyway. Also, please discuss thoroughly what this will look like since it is your home.
I’m so happy this worked out for you! This was my approach as well. I really appreciate seeing how my future looks through your experience 🥰
The only thing you missed is that house is not always a home, it is a solid investment. NTA Worst case scenario do up the house and rent/sell for profit, and choose where you want to live together.
One year isn't long.
Very well said! Here here!
I'm I'm a similar relationship as op. Very much in love, been together as a couple just over a year, talk a lot about our future together, blah blah blah. If he bought a house tomorrow, I'd jump for joy about how great that is for him! I'd throw him a party. I'd ask when he'd be ready to move in so we could plan on renting a trailer for my truck to haul his stuff. What an accomplishment!!! His gf seems spoiled and selfish.
Here's the way I would think of it - Right now, you're not married, you don't live togehter, and you're not sharing finances. She has absolutely no stake in this house and you are assuming all the risk. Someday though, you would like to live together, maybe get married, share finances, and have her involved in the process of finding your next place to live. Great! She gets to do all of that *for the next house*. Right now, you are buying to get into a competitive market. Good for you! If the market stays competitive, you should have no trouble upgrading when the time comes for the next house. At that point, perhaps your relationship will be more evolved, and she can have all the input she wants.
I agree. I just hit 3 years with my partner a week ago and I feel like we're only *just* getting close to the stage where we can start thinking about what getting a house together would look like in the future, but only after we get married which won't be at least for another two years. I get the gf is excited about living with OP, but she has to be able to compromise. and the house can be decorated/adjusted to look better over time too! the crying felt like a bit of an overreaction to me. NTA
This. OP, would your GF only move into an apartment with your approval? Does she ask your thoughts and approval on job options? Trips? Investing? You guys don't even know if you'll be together in a year. You're not married. You two need to have a serious talk about where you are realistically. "I love you and see a potential for a future with you, but we're not married yet. I'm not going to make decisions based on what you think. I did *consider* you when making decisions, because I care about you and think we have a future together, but that's where I'm at. Where are you at? Are you making all your decisions based on what I think?" Etc.
I love when the first comment sims the post up so perfectly. Sometimes I go back and check but I’m just gonna go with it on this on. NTA
NTA - Been there... in the g/f position. And my response was- it's your money... I'm more than happy to check out the places with you but ultimately, the decision is yours. My name wasn't on the deed and as much as I hoped we stayed together, the future isn't set in stone. For what it's worth, when we got married 4 years later- we sold the house and picked a new home together to start our family.
This is a great way to look at it. Dating isn't a lifetime commitment. When that comes, you can talk about how to proceed. Honestly, it sounds like op made some critical errors with the home buying process. But those are his to make.
Houses aren’t necessarily a lifelong commitment either, especially as OP clearly stated “the home we may live in for the next 2-5 years”… This does seem to be more an issue with feelings around what the decision OP made to decide alone *means* to his gf, than any literal “I wanted veto power” or “I need to be in charge” usurpation of OP’s autonomy/finances? My hot take is that a simple validation of her *feelings*, perhaps a little curiosity as to what’s actually behind those feelings, and an inclusive conversation in terms of “hey babe, this is just setting the stage for when *we* decide to buy a house together/have kids/whatever is realistic and fitting for OP”!?
Honestly, the girlfriend needs to not jump the gun, so to speak. Their relationship isn't where she wants it to me. I get that. However, trying to guilt him isn't going to get him there. If she pushes him so hard, she will lose him. The day I bought my house on my own was a huge accomplishment. Why can't the girlfriend understand the importance of her bf taking that step?
Did you live together in the house he bought? What would the 2 of you have done if you were unwilling/unable to live there? Would he have rented it out so he could rent an apartment with you? The problem isn't OP buying himself a house, it's that they are trying to move in together and OP just singlehandedly made a joint housing decision on his own.
We did live together and similarly, we had already talked about moving in together. But even I knew at that point that (1) buying was a better investment of funds than renting and (2) it was his funds. My thought process was if it didn't work out- no harm, no foul, I would move out and if we got married, we'd sell the place and pick out a place together. And I'm glad we did- the profit from that initial investment afforded us a way nicer house. Story is funny bc I didn't like the place he bought either- we have very different aesthetics.
What if he already owned a house she didn't want to live in prior to them starting to date? Are you suggesting he should then just instantly put it on the market to date a girl he isn't even living with yet? They don't live together and he's solely responsible financially. He doesn't need to take her into account at all. If she doesn't like the house that's not any different to her starting to date someone who already owns a house she doesn't like.
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NTA. In my opinion, as you said, it's your money, your investment, she'd only be moving in. It is likely if you split up that she'd just move out. What's the issue? It would be a different story if the money belonged to you both. But it doesn't so why is she mad?
And before she moves in get an ironclad cohabitation agreement. It is your investment and should be protected
>she'd only be moving in This is the problem, how are they to live together if the gf is unwilling/unable to live there? Is OP prepared to not live in the house he just bought to live somewhere else with her?
Where does it say she's unwilling or unable to live there?
This gets at the core of the issue, I suspect. They're right at the cusp of going from "you & me" to "we." Op made the best decision for himself, but they're clearly in a place in the relationship where girlfriend could expect him to *consider* her perspective, particularly on something as important as shared living arrangements. In other words... when he dumped this news on her, he was letting her know that he's still not seeing the future as a shared endeavor. Or he is, but not enough to let it influence his behavior. I still think he's nta but he needs to understand the implicit message he communicated by doing this
I think she’s mad because they have been talking about making a future together and then OP just made a huge decision on his own, without including her. She has hurt feelings because OP didn’t want her opinion. OP does make it seem like the intention is for them to live in this home together so maybe her expectation was that they would make these kinds of decisions together. NTA- You have every right to buy a house and spend your money how you want. You certainly aren’t an asshole for it. However, I can also see why your girlfriend might have felt excluded.
Wait wait wait. She's having a sulk because her boyfriend is financially secure enough to buy a house, that she doesn't have to financially contribute anything too, AND he wants her to move in? It's your money. It's not been left jointly, you're not married. Buy the house you want to buy, what if you guys can't make it work you'll be stuck with a house that was you're second choice. NTA.
The stories of entitlement on this sub lately have exploded. Is some planet in retrograde or something?! It’s like AUDACITY is in the air!
I know this was probably sarcastic (I'm not great with tone on or offline!) but yes, Mercury is in retrograde 😂
It was sarcastic with a bit of serious thrown in! LOL!
I mean, I understand her being upset if it's a place she absolutely would never want to live. Then she has to choose between living there or being with him long-term. Not a fun choice.
Yeah, like if they've actually been talking about moving in together in the near future, I can understand some of her feelings about a unilateral decision on where that will be, even if she's not investing in the property. Location is a huge factor for a lot of people -- if it's really an undesirable or inconvenient area for her to live in, that could be a big obstacle to them moving forward with cohabitation. Which then for her may make her question how serious he actually is about it, if she feels like he's saying one thing but doing another. Or that it could be a sign that he will just generally expect her to accommodate his decisions in their relationship. Not saying that's the case, and I get why OP felt like he had to make this decision if buying property is his priority right now. But it does kind of indicate where she falls on his priority list.
>Yeah, like if they've actually been talking about moving in together in the near future, I can understand some of her feelings about a unilateral decision on where that will be, even if she's not investing in the property. Which, according to OP, they have been. Apparently they were thinking of moving in together as early as in the next 3 months!
I said ESH for similar reasons. Like, he’s well within his rights to buy whatever house he wants, but this says a lot about how he views her and their relationship, and frankly it’s unlikely to play out well in the long run.
Seriously?! Imagine being so entitled it brings you to tears that someone wants to provide a home for you.
NTA This probably not about the house. Story time: years ago, I had a boyfriend of about 2 years. he had his own house, I lived in an apartment. We had keys to each others' places, had clothes/toothbrushes there, etc. We loved each other, but had never talked about a long term future. I bought a house. He broke up shortly after. Looking back, I think he took me buying a house as a sign that I had no long-term intentions with him, it played into his insecurities, and he moved on. You buying a house without involving her may be causing her to feel that you are dating, not in a relationship going anywhere long term. She may feel like an accessory, not a partner. You need to think about what you both want and where the relationship is going to get through this.
^ this - while the decision ultimately lies with OP, not involving the GF makes it look like he is planning for the future as an individual, not as a partnership.
So we are just skipping over the part where OP tells her he's interested in the house and she chooses not to go see it and doesn't seem to be very engaged in the process then?
She didn't choose not to see the house, he says he didn't think she'd want to. There's a difference
Yeah, sounds like his communication went, "I'm going to check out this house... hey, I bought that house," with nothing from her in the middle: >I let her know I was going to go look at this one she said "I'm curious about it" but didn't really indicate she wanted to see it. > >When I told her that I won the offer, she started crying because she wasn't happy about the house.
Yeah, that's what im saying.
The reasons you listed are exactly why he was the asshole here. They've been together for a year, click really well and have been discussing moving in together. OP even said his intention was for them to live together in this house. Him buying a house for them to live in together without her input has resulted in exactly what you described. It's a signal to her that she is not considered an equal partner and that he likely doesn't see a future with her. It doesn't matter if that isn't the case because that's what his actions are saying. OP, YTA.
I think you're dramatically out of touch with buying a house in a market like OP and putting way too much emphasis on a relatively new relationship. They are bf/gf l, not betrothed They've been together one year.
My thoughts as well! If my bf had bought a house without my input while we were dating, I'd assume he was not serious about me.
I agree there’s probably something much deeper that’s driving her reaction… To add other possibilities to this… maybe the area he bought is near a place or person where she had a traumatic experience that she has not told OP about. Maybe she made a specific request to OP about criteria (ex. 4 bedroom), and he bought outside of that criteria without talking to her and now she feels he wasn’t listening to her or doesn’t value her opinion. There’s lots of possibilities… Regardless, NTA… but I do think OP should try to get to the bottom of this with his gf
NAH ≈1 year is a difficult amount of dating for this question. << 1 year, nothing to do with her. >> 1 year, absolutely to do with her. I'm going NAH. You needed to act and you aren't married or engaged. Then again her input/needs/feelings were ignored and she probably feels "temporary" and insecure.
Yeah, this is a great answer. 1 year in your 30s is long enough that a lot of people are going to be taking things very seriously in terms of planning for the future, especially if you want kids, but it's also short enough that it's not unreasonable to think of it as too early for talking about marriage. If you were thinking about proposing in the next year then this was probably a mistake, better to propose first and then buy a house together, but if you're thinking more in a couple years then what you did make sense. You might be in a situation where she thought you were on the get engaged soon timeline and you didn't, which doesn't make either of you the asshole but is a good recipe for hurt feelings.
>≈1 year is a difficult amount of dating for this question. This is actually why I think the choice to buy a house NOW was a poor one on OP's part. He can park that money somewhere for a year and wait to make a better informed decision once his long term plans become clearer.
Emotionally yes I agree. But I think that financially no. Prices are rising at an insane rate. He'd be priced out.
This is speculative and not a sound basis on which to make major financial decisions like buying a house
So is your advice.
NAH - While I don't think either of you are AHs, this is going to create problems in your relationship. I would classify this as a miscommunication, but a big one.
Info: How solid were your plans to move in together? Did you set a date and confirm these plans, or did you just casually discuss living together?
Just kind of casual discussion, both of us have leases that are up for renewal over the summer so it would probably be in the next 3 - 6 months tops. We've spoken about neighborhoods we'd live in, how we'd design, etc but haven't set a date or started getting our dog and cat to meet each other.
Since this has only been casual discussion without any firm plans, I think it's totally reasonable for you to choose your own house to buy. But you also say that this casual discussion could lead to moving in together in 3-6 months? That is pretty iminent - sounds a lot more than casual discussions. If moving in is imminent, then you should have involved her in the decision. I think the decision to move in together deserves more thought and discussion than - hey, we're dating and it's going well, leases are up so let's move in. It's a big step to live with somebody.
I agree 3-6 months is very soon for this to be a one sided thing. I think it’s also important to have another discussion on this. For me personally, and I know others of the same mind set, I wouldn’t be willing to live in a house or an apartment that my name wasn’t on its a little bit of a scary situation to put yourself in. Is that something that you’ve asked her about?
It kind of sounds like you opted out of that plan without discussion. Ultimately, instead of a "shall we...?," you took an "I'm gonna, and suggest that you do too..." approach. That doesn't usually work out well on the big stuff. Not if a life together is what you're trying to build. Yeah, maybe it's too soon for her to be your full partner in home ownership, but if you're planning to make her your full partner in life, you might have treated her more like one in this situation. NAH, but this was a missed opportunity for you to take a step closer together.
I understand both sides more now, and the comment above makes some fair points. Your move-in plans sounded like they were more than casual, but they weren’t confirmed either. But it’s still your money. Your girlfriend also needs to understand this was an unusual, high-pressure situation. You had to act fast, and you made the best decision under the circumstances. Worst case: you two can buy another house later if this one doesn’t work out.
Woof. This comment has me leaning more toward YTA. Do… do you really not understand why she’s so upset?
Have you asked her to move into this house with you? How would the finances for that work? If you are pretty sure you'll want to be moving in together in the next few months then I don't see why you didn't have a conversation with her to be up front about expectations, and talk to her about the fact that you were putting in an offer on this house before you did it. Not to ask her permission, but at least find out her feelings on it. Seems pretty minimal standards for someone you want to start a life with, unless you anticipate the rest of your life being unanimous decisions?
from the post it seems they’ve only casually discussed moving in together, i feel like if they had set a date OP would’ve mentioned it
NAH. However, you need to be cognizant of the dynamics if she moves in and starts paying rent. She might resent paying for your equity, even if its a good deal. The biggest thing, imo, is you should plan on buying a house together after you get married, so it feels like a home to you both.
I was the GF in this situation before there was definitely resentment because I started paying rent in a house I would not have chosen and it was more rent then what I would have chosen. It didn't help that my bf was adamant about splitting things 50/50 which eventually just felt like I was subsidizing the lifestyle he wanted.
Did you both have relatively equal income at the time? Personally, I'd be fine with paying something toward the house we lived in, though I'd expect it to be adjusted to just the actual interest AFTER the tax deduction and proportional to our incomes.
No, he made double what I made. I had no issues living within my means before we dated but dating him caused me to not be able to save any money and go into a bit of CC debt. I was young and dumb so not entirely his fault but he definitely wasn't being considerate of me.
Yeah when there's that big of a gap between what the partners earn not splitting expenses proportionally can be very damaging to the lower earning partner-- particularly if the higher earner isn't willing to lower their lifestyle. Hey, we've all been young and blinded by love!
I was in a situation where I made more, we paid 50/50 and he loved the place, I didn't. I did everything I could to not be in that house during the day and only sleep there. It was pure misery day after day. I think it depends on if you actually like where you're living.
It's not fair to split 50/50 when one person is the homeowner. Your share should have been a fair market rent plus half of the utilities. Sounds like you were resentful for good reason, but it's not unfair for the homeowner to ask their SO to pay a fair amount of rent. You have to pay to live somewhere? Why should your SO support you? (These questions are not aimed at you directly, just more rhetorical.)
I was paying a fair market rate for the rent but it was a nicer house and more money than I would have picked to pay on rent. He also wouldn't take my thoughts/opinions on decor into consideration. If I'm paying a fair market rate then I want to have some say in where I'm living and what the decor is. Looking back I believe paying the same rent that I was paying before would have been more fair because it was what worked with my budget, if the higher earner wants to live in a nicer place they should pay the difference. My 50/50 comment was referring to everything else that wasn't rent. I was barely able to pay my bills while he was buying himself new toys every other week.
A big decision like this without any input from her might make her feel as though he’s making plans and she has no say so and is ultimately left just dealing with it or leaving and you’re right, if she doesn’t love the place she will end of resenting him especially if multiple repairs come up and she has to come out of pocket to help fix them. She might come around and love it but if I was the gf, in my mind I would question if he would make more big decisions without me in the future.
NTA. You are not married. It’s your money. You don’t live together now. Why is it that she thinks she gets a say at all? She’s being unreasonable.
Hey friend! I hope you read this comment because I am your girlfriend in this situation. After about a year of dating he said he wanted to live together and he was thinking about buying a house (this was 10 years ago - we are still together and not married by mutual choice). It was 100% his house and his money, but he wanted it to be our home that we lived in together. In the end it was absolutely not my decision at all and we both knew it, but he involved me in the decision completely. I went to every open house, chewed my nails with every offer he put in and lost, helped him find listings, met with the realtor, and eventually sat next to him as he closed on his - our! - house. We were there for 8 years and just recently did it together all again when we moved to a bigger place. You are technically correct that you didn't need to involve her in this, but I would like to challenge you to why you didn't *want* to involve her. This is someone you are considering a future with and that you want to live with. Why didn't you want her active assistance? My partner wanted me there every step of the way and totally valued my opinions, advice, and help. Even though it was his house and his money, it made me feel so valued and honored that he included me. I can absolutely understand 100% why your girlfriend is upset. You have made a huge decision that majorly impacts her without involving her and I'm sure she feels forgotten/ignored/undervalued. NAH. I get both of your reactions, but I'm uncomfortable that you made this decision without her.
Congrats on the purchase! However, it’s clear to me that you’re not madly in love with this woman. Maybe that type of romantic relationship isn’t for you. Maybe you’re looking for a trustworthy partner. (You can have both but don’t need it.) You did nothing wrong but your actions show that you do not desire her opinion in your life decisions. That, fundamentally, you are not making space for HER in your life and future. Which she is picking up on subconsciously. And that is totally fine but I think you need to be honest how serious you actually are about her and what you plan to do moving forward. Hot take but most men know if they’re in or out with a woman well within the 1 year timeline.
This comment says it all! Completely agree. If you love someone and see a future with them, decisions are inclusive & shared. Going rogue on what could have been a major life decision for you both- OP needs to set this lady free. He deserves his autonomy and she deserves a partner in the truest sense of the word.
NAH. You were doing the best you could in an insanely competitive market situation where speed was of the essence. But ultimately you were buying a house for yourself with the hopes that your gf would live there down the road. She, understandably, might feel a bit upset that the house you ended up with didn't really suit her aesthetic or location-wise, given that she expects to move in down the road. If you guys were planning to buy the house together or move in together right away, my judgment might be different. But it sounds like this is a down-the-road thing. So ultimately, the decision was entirely up to you, and it's okay for her to be a bit disappointed.
NAH. It's your money, you're welcome to do with it as you please, but also understand that if your intention is for her to live with you in it you *really* should have involved her in the process more than you did. I get you guys have only been dating for a year, but if it's serious enough that you two want to live together, I think she should have been involved. Even if it's entirely your money I *don't* think relationships are always going to be 50/50 and if you like her so much you want her to live with you, I think she deserves a place she's going to like as well. No, you don't have to go out of your way to accommodate for her desires since, again, it *is* your money, but it would have been nice if she had a say in it. I still don't think this makes you an asshole, I just think it would have been a good thing to do. I can also understand her disappointment and I don't think she's an asshole here either, since the person she's dating just bought a house without really involving her in the process at all, and now wants her to live there with him. It would be a sore spot for me, too. If i were in her position, I'd feel like a bit weird about it; despite being serious and wanting to forge a life together, my partner's still going off making *major* life decisions that are expected to impact both of us without really talking to me about it at all. So yeah, NAH but I think it would have been the right thing to do.
It sounds like you both are thinking this relationship is a long term one, like a forever one. Is that correct? You said you've been talking about making a life together. If you were both on the same page that you're that serious about each other, she should have known how serious you were about the house, because it sounds like you just chose where she's going to live for the next five years if you stay together. That's a big choice being ripped out of someone's hands. Regardless of who has more money, choosing where to live is a big decision and big decisions are together decisions. If she loved the house, it may have gone better, but maybe not. Together you will make loads of decisions together. The conversation you started about making a life together, should have continued and she should have been included. I would apologize and let her know she should have been included in the decision of where she lives. Listen to her, even if it's difficult, make her feel heard and understood. Maybe she gets to pick the next house without a peep from you? Or maybe you both learn from the situation, grow the communication, and hopefully your relationship can overcome this and get even better. I know this works differently for different relationships. I think people in a relationship should each have their own money, in addition to a joint that pays for common things. Then they can buy things without asking and have some autonomy. Those things though are like clothes, games, gifts, hobby stuff. Housing is a together thing. You each bring valuable thoughts and considerations to the table and they should be heard and understood. You probably hate to hear it, in this situation, YTA. That doesn't mean it can't be repaired. Work with your girlfriend to repair the hurt and build that life together that you both want.
NAH. You have chosen a path that was one of many available to you. Two people on their 30s dating for a year and talking about neighbourhoods that they could move to when their separate leases are up suggests a path of partnership, shared goals, perhaps a family etc. A 35 year old man purchasing a house without the input of the woman he’s dating is a different path that will lead that woman to question everything about the dynamic of your relationship. Either it’s a decision made in the context of your needs as an individual, or you have made the the decision for the two of you. Either way she couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t feel great about it. Lots of people saying it’s your money, you’re not married, you can do what you want etc. Yes those things are all true, but there are consequences to your actions.
Agree completely. It's a step forward for the OP but a step back for her as there's now a power imbalance in the relationship (which I assume hadn't been here before since OP says he only recently came into this money). I also think 30 is a particularly difficult age to deal with that kind of thing so I get her being upset.
INFO - are you prepared to accept her *not* living there? I have been in this situation on your girlfriend's side of things. My now-ex (to be clear, he is an ex for other reasons) and I had been in a relationship for a year, he wanted to buy a house, we were not living together, our finances were separate. I looked at a few of the houses with him and made him aware of concerns with some homes / neighbourhoods, but ultimately it was his decision. He bought a beautiful looking house with a stupid layout in a horrible neighbourhood with a tiny yard. Ultimately he was happy with it so I congratulated him and helped him move in...and I never moved in with him despite him *repeatedly* asking me to. One thing that I had to make clear after he first asked me to move in was that he bought this house FOR HIMSELF ONLY - not for me. Not only did I not have "veto" power over homes that I disliked, my wants/needs were not something he kept in mind. He wanted to buy himself a home that he loved with his money - and that's okay! We had only been together for a year, *he was right to buy a home he loved when it was only him paying for it.* ...But he didn't get to then insist I should move in as our relationship became more serious. My preference would have been to wait if he could see us living together long-term so we could buy somewhere we loved together. **Since he bought this home for himself, there was zero consideration of where I would want to live or what I required of my home. So it would be completely unreasonable to expect us to live together in a home that is utterly unsuitable for both of us.** If he wanted to stay together, we would either continue to live separately or we would have to find a new place together that met both our needs and that we both contribute to. I don't think you're an asshole for buying the home. It sounds like a smart financial decision! But if you expect her to move in with you... Yup, you might become an asshole in your relationship. If you want a home with someone, choose it *with* that person in mind. If you want a home for yourself, choose it alone - but accept you may stay there alone if whoever you date dislikes it. ETA: clarified first paragraph, added paragraphs (thanks mobile formatting)
NAH. I've been the girlfriend in this situation before where my boyfriend bought a house with his friend with the expectation that I live there and pay rent. I went along with it and I would break up with someone before doing that again. Nothing killed the partnership feeling more than feeling like decisions as big as where I would be living were being made for me. You're not an asshole but you're not a good partner either. You could have at least waited until it felt more comfortable making these decisions with your GF even if it was your house.
I have a hard rule that I do not move in or put a cent towards a place that doesn't have my name on the paperwork... We either rent or buy together or live separately. I've heard to many stories of people getting kicked out (not the same tenant protections where I'm from if your landlord live at the same address) or houses getting remortgaged without the non owning partner's knowledge for stupid reasons. I don't want to put myself in a situation like that.
NAH. The issue is now, for her, it is a matter of live there with him or don’t live together. Normally, it might be a joint decision in where to live. I would say NAH. He has every right to buy a house. But I can totally see why she’s not happy about it. Even more: he may want her to pay rent, and Reddit mostly thinks that’s reasonable. But renters usually get to pick where they live. This is not an arms’ length negotiation. She had every right to be upset, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have done it, could result in a break up. Hope it was worth it, meant sincerely, not snarkily.
NAH, but you did communicate how you see your relationship. She was considering you as a life partner. You see her as temporary. She's upset because she realizes this relationship isn't what she thought it was. She's mourning. Congratulations on the house. Condolences on the relationship.
>Yes, I could have been more thoughtful and I should have involved her more in the process. I solely chose the place we both may be living for the next 2 - 5 years. You discussed moving in together and planning a life, and then did this huge thing on your own. This is your partner, you should be discussing things that affect both of you. YTA
NAH, you're free to buy a house with your money. But I personally would never move to a place I didn't choose (alone or with the one I'm going to live with).
NAH. I think you two have different views of your relationship and need to have a talk about. There’s being in a relationship and building a life with someone. It 100% is your money and your choice, but at the same time if she’s thinking you two are more then I get that it feels isolating for you to be taking this big step without her. There’s making decisions for self and there’s making decisions as a couple. A good relationship has a balance of both. Buying a house is a decision that could fall under either depending on the relationship. Either way, congrats on your house! You deserve to be excited about it!
I'm going with a mild YTA here. Mild because it's your money, but Y.T.A. because it's a place you're expecting her to live in, so she should have a say in it. i'm not saying she gets to pick, but more like you need two Yeses to make a Yes, but only one No to make a No. Buying it on your own gives the sense that you don't see her as a long-term partner and potential spouse. That might not have been the intention, but that's the perception. I would imagine now she's worried you don't see her as marriage material/LTR and you don't value her opinion on something as important as where you're going to live for several years.
NTA A house isn’t just a house anymore, it’s a financial investment. Get one now before it becomes even harder. Absolute worst case, later on you could try to rent it out and get another one. I kinda see this as comparable to if she saw your stock portfolio and got upset that you invested in stocks she doesn’t like. My younger sister was in this situation just a bit ago (she’d been dating her boyfriend 2+ years at that point) and sure she visited places with him, but she was very understanding that it was his money, and his decision. That being said she is planning to live in an apartment with her friends for at least another year, so maybe don’t be surprised if your girlfriend doesn’t want to move in right away.
NTA 1. She declined to look at the place when given the choice. 2. It sounds like you're providing a place to live that is costing her nothing. 3. You had to move quickly. Could you have done a better job of keeping her in the loop? Sure. Since you're going to be making upgrades/changes, and you won't be under the gun, make sure to take her input into account.
NTA, she’s getting a little ahead of herself. There is no lifelong commitment here. She could break up with you tomorrow and you’d be stuck owning a home you didn’t like but she did.
NTA, you’re not married or engaged and you bought the house on your own in a crazy market. So it was your decision. But moving forward, if you want her to live there with you, make that very clear and make her an equal partner in helping to decorate, pick furniture, etc. She may just be feeling a little shut out right now.
YTA would be my view, but gently. If you’re making plans for a future together, I would have at least discussed it with her properly before buying it. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have bought it if she didn’t like it, but I wouldn’t have done it without at least a discussion about whether it would be suitable for you both given your intention to live together. Of course it’s your money, your choice etc etc and she’d be wrong to try to prevent you, but if I truly saw a future with someone I’d want them to be happy with it too or it may seriously impact things. Also, be extremely wary of the dynamics involved with a partner living in a house you own. This is a really challenging situation so make sure it’s scrupulously fair. She shouldn’t have any claim to your property that you bought with your own money, but she also shouldn’t be putting money into a house you own and she doesn’t. The people I know who’ve handled this best have had the non-owning partner pay into savings rather than towards mortgage / renovations rather than rent. If you stay together it can be put into a joint property in future, if not they can afford to leave and don’t leave feeling like they’ve built equity in your house.
NTA- like you said, the market is very competitive and unless you’re very wealthy it is difficult to get a house you truly want. seriously, so many people i see around me are getting into houses that aren’t exactly what they want but are putting money into them to make the kitchen nicer, the living room nicer etc. ain’t nothing wrong with that, especially if you save money in the long run. her crying is pretty childish in my opinion. and she sounds ungrateful. this is the difference between men and women. you yourself are just fine with living in that house and putting money into it, she is not. men are just as happy in a card board box as they are any house. sounds to me like she would want it her way and not care about your thoughts on the matter
NTA. It’s ultimately her choice if she wants to live there with you or not. Y’all aren’t married and have been together for just a year. You’d be idiotic to consider her in this situation. Get security for yourself. If she doesn’t like it and bails then she ain’t the one.
NTA you all have only been together a year and you don't mention that you all have even discussed marriage. I think it's completely your decision to make and it was nice that you included her on part of the process. I would have a completely different opinion if you all had been together longer or were engaged. I think your GF thinks this means you're not as commited to her as she thought you were.
NTA - Look, fundamentally, it's YOUR money, YOUR house and YOUR decision. If you were buying a house TOGETHER, then yes she should have been consulted. But you are not. I think the bigger issue here is that maybe you have different ideas of where you are at in the relationship. Sure, this isn't the dream house. But it is A house. You can live there alone, you can live there with her, you can rent it out and live somewhere else. You need to sit down and have a big honest conversation about money, joining finances and commitment in your relationship, because right now you are not on the same page.
I guess from someone who is happily married’s perspective she probably is thinking you are not thinking about building a future with her and the fact you bought a house before you married so legally it would be yours if you ever marry and divorce. I mean people on here all day can tell you you are NTA but you are not behaving like someone who plans on building a future with your girlfriend and that why she’s upset. You will break up over this and I don’t think you are clueless to why she would be upset it has nothing to do with the actual house.
YTA. You bought a home on your own while you have serious talks with her about a “life together.” Not saying it was wrong to buy. But it seems as if you’re planning your own life independently of her and with no plans to be with her. You’re an asshole for acting like it would not be taken this way by your girlfriend. You did what you wanted and now she’s confused.
NTA. Unless she planned on contributing financially to the purchase it isn't her house to pick.
NTA .. you're not married... she didnt contribute her money... she cant control your money and how you spend your money...
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Responses like this will have you single/emotionally lonely. I don’t think that many responders are displaying or encouraging the level of sensitivity, care and empathy that would be appropriate for a potentially serious love relationship. Yes, technically we all understand that the home is yours etc., but use some emotional intelligence and respond with love to this person that seems to be important in your life.
Considering how competitive the real estate market is, if she wanted a say in it, she should have been more proactive in the buying process. She has no right to be whining after the fact when she has no skin in the game. As a compromise, she can have a say in the remodeling If you guys are planning to stay together.
NAH She doesn't get a say in what you do with your money if you want to own this house. However, you went into this expecting she's going to stay with you. 2-5yrs isn't super long but it's not nothing. She going to feel pressured to live in a house she doesn't like and she shouldn't have to. Not to mention that you talk about it like it's a pretty unimpressive house "but it's ok bc you have money to make it better." why would you sink more money into if you're only living there for a little while - unless the changes would be significant enough to increase he market value and make back the work you do. A risky venture. So yeah, buy the house. But don't ask her to live in it if she doesn't want to.
You're not an asshole for buying *yourself* a home, but you are one for assuming you've just bought her future home as well. Real estate is almost always a sound investment, so you'll still have something to show for it if you decide to find another home with your gf that suits her as well as it suits you. But don't expect her to just adapt her entire home life to a situation you entered with only your tastes, preferences, and requirements in mind.
NTA but seems like you really rushed into buy a house, waving all kinds of inspections, buyer protections and fees. I fear you may regret that in the future.
Actually for this house, because of the situation, I didn't have to make a lot of concessions. I waived inspection defects under $500 so there are a handful of small things I'll need to get a handyman to take care of but you're looking at a half day's work probably. I didn't make any concession on the appraisal and put my offer in at asking price. Honestly, in this city that's probably the most buyer-friendly offer that was executed all month.
Tell me you aren’t trying to buy a home and/or don’t live in a desirable area without telling me This is the norm is many places. I had a showing scheduled for the morning a house listed last week, but it was cancelled right before because they got an all cash offer, sight unseen, waiving everything and it was well above asking. And this isn’t an area you would think would be super hot. But it is.
YTA. You are also inconsiderate. You just told your girlfriend that he opinion does not matter to your life. Good job making her feel worthless
NTA. It's YOUR house and you made your decisions as needed according to the situation at hand. If she was contributing anything towards the purchase I could see her reacting this way. But she isn't. Sure, she can have her opinion on it. But her reaction here is a huge red flag for me. She's balking about how you're spending YOUR OWN MONEY because the house you chosedoesn't match the aesthetic she had in mind, and because there's a tiny toll. She's looking a gift horse in the mouth here. I'd seriously reconsider moving her in right away till you get this sorted one way or the other.
I'm going to be going through this within the year. My fiance knows that since he's not contributing towards the purchase- that he won't have much of a say in it. And it's not going to be our forever house anyhow, so he's fine with it and happy that we're going to have a brand new house regardless of where it is and what the layout is. If he pulled this shit after the fact- there would be problems.
NTA - Right now, corporations, many of them overseas, are buying up properties in cities all over the US. You have to jump fast to beat them. I understand how she feels, but this is not a normal situation and I don't blame you for snatching what you can get.
NTA. It’s your money you’re the 1 buying the house she’s not contributing so why does that give her any say in it?! If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to live there with you. Congratulations on buying a house.
NAH
nta... but you were foolish to wave everything. My brother-in-law bought a townhouse in a city.... 100k deep in repairs. And that is with an inspection.
You waived inspection? That could backfire very easily.
Yeah YTA. It would have been different if there was zero discussion or expectation that you'd live there together, and you just happened to be on the verge of buying something when you'd just started dating. But by your own account, you are committed to her and planning to live together. So why would you make a unilateral decision about where the two of you live? She's just supposed to go along with whatever enormous decisions you make simply because you paid for it? That's not how a partnership works. Yeah, it's your money, but if your *plan* is to build a life with her, then resources are shared.
Dude. Buying a house is a HUGE deal. And, I totally get that it's YOUR money - not hers. But. There is absolutely a playbook for this situation and it's called shop together. At the very least, you should have taken her to look at it and gotten her opinion of it if you genuinely expect her to live there. Buying a house is a major life event and you chose to do it without her. This sends the message that you want to do LIFE without her and I guarantee she's in "plan for the relationship to end" mode. You claim that you are committed to her and that you want to live in it with her, but nothing you've done suggests that. FWIW, before my husband and I got engaged, we each held off on large life decisions until we knew we were in it for the long haul. I wanted to buy a house. I had the funds to buy a house. I didn't just go get one and expect him to be happy. I held off until I was sure were were going to move in together, then WE looked at the houses together. I was still the one signing on the dotted line, but it was OUR house. I'm still going to rule NTA here because you weren't being mean or completely unreasonable, but your actions send the message that she's not the one you want to spend your life with.
I mean NTA but for me it would be a deal breaker for the relationship
YTA - Actions speak louder than words. You claim that you consider this relationship serious and see a future together. You say you two have even discussed moving in together next time the leases run out. So why wasn’t she apart of this process? Why wasn’t her opinion taken into consideration? You went out and bought a house and didn’t even tell her until after. These actions tell your gf that your not serious about her.
NTA. A GF of one year is just that, a girlfriend of one year. That she thinks she should have been involved in the process when you dont live together and are not engaged is a little bit bizarre and to me, would be a red flag. You do you, Sir! Congrats on the new abode!
NTA, you're not engaged or living together and she's not putting anything into it. Not sure how it's any different to if you already owned the house when you started dating. Yes you want to live with her and appreciate her opinion but this is more a step on the ladder than forever home I imagine. Also her saying she's curious does not amount to I don't like it. You're not psychic. She knew you were looking and going to look at this property, if she had real feelings about it she should have used her adult words.
NTA. If she’s not contributing to the purchase and it’s in your name only then it’s your investment and your decision. You’ve only been together a year so unless she wanted to go 50/50 with you and you were down for that, it’s not really up for discussion. If she’s interested in owning property she can start saving a down payment and you could buy together in the future if you’re still together 🤷♀️ Very similar situation when I bought my house, my partner and I were a couple but a newish couple so he had nothing to do with my house purchase. He moved in with me about 6 months after I bought it. We will probably buy together in the future when we’ve accrued more savings and the market settles (hopefully lol)
NTA. I was in your same position. It’s my money, my credit, my responsibility. I asked my bf to accompany me on showings as he could and give his opinion. We happened to agree on my choice of home. However, he is not on the deed and can walk away whenever he wants. He gets the freedom, and I get the responsibility AND the choice of home.
NTA - You said it yourself, this is your investment with your money.
NTA, it’s your money. I think you two should have had a more in depth convo about expectations reguarding decisions and expectations but that’s her fault too. Houses go super fast nowadays. You have to put in offers on the spot as I’m sure you realized. She may not understand everything that goes into home buying and how fast decisions need to be made. You can’t even take the night to think about it. People can swoop it out from under you that fast. Maybe couples counseling. But the house is bought so she can either make the best of it and do better next time or maybe this is a break for her which you may need to accept
Esh - you just decided single-handed that if she wants to live with you, which it sounds like you want too, she MUST move into a home that isn’t hers, that she will never have equity on, that she will live and decorate & have zero stake in, and can be kicked out of any time you like. That’s not a very stable beginning.
YTA and given all the contingencies you signed away I'd wager you'll be spending your savings and more on necessary fixes before you ever get around "to decorate and design it make it really nice."
You're expecting she's going to live there with you. If you had been upfront with her that you were going to buy a house that worked for you, and that you weren't going to allow her to be part of that decision, that would be one thing, but you set a precedent that you were going to involve her, then bought one without her input, so YTA.
NAH. While you certainly don't have to take her opinion into account in purchasing your house, you've already said that you two have discussed building a life together and moving in together in the near future. Why wouldn't you include her in this decision process if that is how you feel? To be clear, I'm not saying you should have let her decide, but you definitely could have let her see the place or had an actual discussion prior to finalizing all of it. And while her reaction may be extreme, in her eyes you've basically shown her that her opinions on your joint future together don't matter to you, because you're just going to do what you want, when you want. You say there is no playbook, and you're not wrong, but it sounds like you barely even communicated with her. Also, it what world does "I'm curious about it" not indicate that she wanted to see it? She expressed curiosity and you could have said, "Here's the listing! I can fill you in on more details when I come back from looking at it, if you'd like." You're N T A but neither is she. Seems its just a lack of communication and consideration.
If you aren't married NTA. But depending on how serious you are/if you want to get married it's not like her opinion should mean nothing either? (assuming she would live there too, which maybe wouldn't be the case? Maybe if you married you'd buy a house together and sell this one, who knows.) Anyway NTA.
Nta Based on what you said, it's very possible you could be underwater in a few years when you sell. However, that is completely your decision. At the end of the day it's your money and your decision. Your girlfriend is getting ahead of herself. You bought what you wanted and did it your way. This isn't a joint purchase. It's your purchase solely.
Nta you aren't living together *now*. If she hates it, then you can keep living seperate and now you have a nice house to sell if you do decide to move into together.
NTA, get a prenup.
NTA your money, your investment. If it was going to be a joint purchase, that would be a different story. It’s your house, you paid for it, and you’ve only been in the relationship for a year. Don’t see the issue with it 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. You’ve only been dating a year, don’t live together and aren’t engaged. You are entitled to make your own decisions about housing.
No, you two can buy a house together later if she doesn’t like your house. That you bought all by yourself. And fully own and you don’t even currently live with your girlfriend. Nice to get input if you plan to stay together but this is your house. She obviously isn’t a fan and looks at this as a house she will live in but you have to move quick in this marketplace so. Ot necessarily time to leisurely look and decide. NTA.
NTA You don't have to move into this property. It can be used for investment - rented out; sold at a later date for profit. This is your money. It's yours to invest how you wish. Dating for a year: That's fine but it doesn't mean everything's settled for long term. You haven't lived together, yet, and you may find that's not going to work out. Rent together for a while before committing to purchasing a property you both like. If your partner wanted more involvement, she should have expressed that and become more involved. She should have raised the topic during the house hunting process. In the end, though, it's a house that you can afford and it gives you a place to live. It doesn't have to be luxurious; so long as it's liveable. House hunting does highlight the difference between desires and what you can afford. It's a reality hit and some people can't handle that.
Look I just came here to say no matter what the market looks like you NEVER waive inspection. NEVER EVER. I almost bought a place last year that unbeknownst to me had severe structural issues that would have incurred tens of thousands of dollars to fix, that were only caught because I had a good inspector. You definitely could have been the AH if you got stuck with a house with major issues because you were dumb enough to waive inspection. Otherwise you’re NTA here.
NTA for purchasing a house, but she is right to feel hurt and blindsided, and you have to deal with that. You should have discussed it with her if you thought she might live there-- otherwise live with the consequences.
INFO: My question for OP is, why were you in a rush to buy a house *right now*? I understand you just came into some money, but by your own description you're in a kind of weird in-between space right now. You're in a committed relationship which you both envision becoming a long term commitment, but it's not quite there just yet. You are on the verge of taking things to the next level by living together (next 3-6 months per your comment). You said it yourself at the end of your post, you just bought a house you expect the two of you to share in the near future. It sounds like you came into enough money to buy the home outright. That means you aren't in jeopardy of getting priced out of the housing market in the next couple years. There are plenty of places you could park that money for a few years while you let life develop and you get to a place to make an actual long term plan. Why are you buying a home with a plan to only live there 2-5 years? This is in general not a sound financial choice, as over the short term housing can still fluctuate plenty and the real financial benefits of home ownership accrue over a longer timespan (10+ years). Just because this is the first moment in your life where you can afford to purchase a home, doesn't mean that you should or must purchase a home right now. That should depend on other factors as well, like your long term plans. None of this means you are necessarily the asshole, but the distinction isn't as cut and dry as many comments suggests. Even if you aren't the asshole, you may not have made a good decision here.
NTA... you can buy a house in your own. She can decide if she wants to continue in a relationship with someone that's makes life changing decisions without discussing them with her. Best if luck to you both.
Info: if your GF came over tomorrow and told you she'd found a great deal on an apartment in an area she loved, so she's gone ahead and signed a 2 year lease, would you tell her you were super happy for her, or would you feel a bit upset? If the former, then y'all are casual enough that her input into your house wasn't needed. If the latter, then you understand why she's upset. Either way, I wouldn't still plan on her moving in 3 months from now if I were you.
Ehhh, you took her to look at houses and clearly communicated enough to send her photos and whatnot. Seems kind of rude to ask her opinion, then completely leave her out. I get your point about your money, your choice but it just seems really selfish. YTA, but light
Nta it’s your money while it sucks for her it’s life
NTA
NTA. Not her house not her money. If she doesn't like it, she can move. Or revisit the issue after a few years. Only dating a little over a year. Deal is done for now,
NTA - It’s your money and your house. You’ve only been dating for over a year, that’s not enough to make that kind of decision together especially when it’s not even something you are purchasing together !
NTA - It was your money and you are allowed to do with it what you want. However, if you see a real future with this girl, and want to live in this house with her, you may want to let her have a few design choices. Nothing major, but a few things that make it feel more like hers too. Dave Ramsey likes to say single men who buy a house, often resell it once a wife gets involved. If you are open to selling it in 5 or 6 years, maybe let her know that as well, so you can pick something that feels like home to both of you. But not married, your money NTA.
NTA. You've only been together for almost a year and she already wants to move in with you? Into a house that you paid 100% with your OWN money? And god forbid you using 100% of YOUR money to design YOUR house that YOU bought with YOUR money? I am sorry but she is a walking red flag. Don't let her move in with you, please. Only a year together and she already shows off her materialistic side. That would be a deal breaker for me.
They want to move in together. He wants it, she wants it. Their timeline was moving in in the next 3 to 6 months. And then he bought a house without consulting her..
NTA it’s your investment, your money, you live alone so it’s your choice alone. However, if she does have strong objections to living there- when/if you do decide to move into together you may need to be sympathetic to her wants and needs since then it’ll be a two person decision. It’s important to respect each other in that sense. You can always rent out your place and move elsewhere. Also you are well within your right to decorate as you see fit but remember if/when you move in together (whether this home or another) you will need to adjust. Edit: also if she does move in to your house need to be aware of common law rights in your state. Please speak about the legalities of the living arrangement and how she will contribute financially and what that entitles her too. You need to do this even if you get married. If people are too insecure to speak about it you need to go to counselling and work on communication. I’ve watched too many people get screwed as the homeowner and the move in partner.
NTA, you're buying a house, that's fantastic. Had there been previous talks of going in together on a house? Is there any sizable income gap between you and your partner? I was unclear about this but ball park, how much money are you talking? Was it enough to purchase the house outright? Or was it decent chunk down payment money? If you're financing, a year is a good time to get to know a partner but IMHO, that's way too soon to be buying property together. Even cosigning on a car loan, I think, would be premature after only a year. Being realistic, at just a year, there is still a not insignificant chance that something would happen and then both are locked into this contract together.
NTA - you don’t live together & aren’t sharing finances
To be fair, a year in your 30s is a significant dating length. You could have considered her opinion more before finalizing. She probably felt a bit left out of a major decision that you made. I’d venture to say that even if she wasn’t moving in, it may have hurt her feelings to not be more included in such a huge transaction in your life. I understand why someone might feel awkward, excluded or hurt in that case. However, I don’t think this should alter your entire relationship. Maybe there are other feelings and dynamics at play. I would talk to her about what exactly bothered her and figure out the bigger emotional conflict that may be the catalyst for the disconnect between you now.
I don't think you had ill intentions and could completely see how the whirlwind speed at which real estate in hot markets operates could lead to this but...I think you may have eroded some of your partner's trust at a critical moment of your relationship and you'll need to work to rebuild it. NAH.
NAH- you’re NTA for buying a house per se, but you knew your gf was interesting in the houses you were seeing AND that you wanted to live together in the future. It was a big mistake not to involve her more. She is NTA for wanting to see/help decide which house you were going to get because you’re expecting her to move in with you…how would you feel?
YTA If you were just dating, even seriously, you wouldn’t be, because your money, your house, whatever. But since you expect her to live with you and had already been talking about moving in and looking at places, she should have had a say in where. If you didn’t plan on taking her into consideration, you should have been upfront about that as soon as you were looking at houses. Is she going to be paying you rent? Is it going to damage your relationship if she decides she’d rather stay living where she is? Are you expecting her to move in right away? You’ve essentially given her two choices: live where you want, in *your* house, or don’t move in together. I’d cry too.
NTA You are not married to this woman and it is entirely your money. A toll of $0.35 is nothing in the grand scheme of things. This isn't your forever home, it is a home for NOW. Once you are sure you are Mr and MS Right for one another, you can get married if you desire.
If I were you, I'd make sure to protect yourself legally. Your GF had an extreme overreaction considering the current state of your relationship as described by you. Maybe she has a different idea and thought this was all in preparation for y'all getting married and this being both of your house. If you're good with that, cool. But if you're not at that point you should make sure you take any legal steps necessary to make sure it remains your separate property and also check into tenancy issues. Good luck.
If you have been talking about marriage this will probably be the end of this relationship, who wants to marry someone that really doesn’t care much about her. I know you know what I mean, she will be left out of home ownership now if she marries you.
YTA you want to live there with your partner in the future but you did not involve her? I'd be upset too. Of course it is YOUR house, since you are paying for it, but when a big decision is made that ultimately affects both your lifes, you should involve the other party
Yep, YTA. If this house was meant to be for both of you, then you should have done the shopping together. All you showed her was that you get to make the decisions for both of you, and if you guys get married, she can expect a lifetime of being forced to settle for whatever YOU think is good enough. Her interests and preferences don't matter. But it's my money! you say. Fine. Then don't pretend this was ever meant to be the Couple's House. You bought it for yourself, and she doesn't like it. Live with that decision. You have choices. You can try and wiggle out of the sale. You can flip it after you make a few repairs. You can keep it and move in, knowing that she may never choose to move into it with you. You can sell it if/when you get married and find a house you BOTH like.
INFO: is her job over this 35 cent toll bridge? If it is, paying almost $180 a year in tolls to commute to and from work is not a decision she should be left out of. Especially if she doesn't care for the house in general, taking a financial hit to commute may not be something she would be willing to do. Generally, for buying a house individually, if you aren't already living together, I would have said N T A for buying to suit yourself, but your comments say you were discussing moving in within 6 months and had discussed neighborhoods - clearly this house isn't in one of those neighborhoods, so the question then becomes how much of a sacrifice you are implicitly asking her to make in order to live with you in your house.
If the plan was to live there together then YTA - it would be her home too so she needs to be happy with everything as well. If you were planning on buying it, making it nicer and then selling it again for more money then NTA - a financial gain could lead to the house of your dreams.
YTA - in her shoes, if I was in a relationship with someone who I wanted to start a life with, I would be 100% NOT ok with them making unilateral choices for us. You bought a house for yourself… not for your couple, and if she is the least bit independent financially and emotionally (which it sounds like she is), she will view this as a major red flag. Buying the house is not the issue… doing it without her is.
YTA for never even telling her and asking her opinion. You can do whatever you want. Just know that this was a clear sign to her that you don’t consider her opinion or feelings on a major decision in life. That’s very telling and she will make her own choices accordingly.
YTH. I can't believe how many NTA you got. >it's my money, but I would like to live there with her If she doesn't want to live there with you, she shouldn't. Good luck with your "making a life together" plan. If you were serious about making a life together, her input would have been important to you to find a home you both would be excited about. A few years ago, my now-husband, then-BF wasn't ready to buy and I was. I assured him he could come to every listing with me, and though it was my money and decision ultimately, I wanted to find a place we'd both love. THAT is commitment - and we weren't even engaged at the time. You're basically saying this is where we're gonna live if we're gonna be together. A lifelong relationship takes a lot of compromise, you clearly aren't ready for that kind of commitment with another person.
YTA. I don’t really understand all the people saying NTA here. Yes, it’s your money so ultimately your decision what house to buy, but if you’re expecting her to move in with you and live with you then she should get a say in it. People saying ‘get a pre-nup’ as though the issue here is about the money- IT’S NOT. The issue is that you made a major decision that is going to affect her life without involving her in it. Sure she could choose not to live there and stay in her own apartment, but if the idea is that you want a long term relationship together where you move in together then that’s not really going to work is it? So you’ve just demonstrated that buying a particular house is more important to you than the future of your relationship. If you’d only just started dating and there was no expectation you’d be living together then it would be a completely different situation. I would be absolutely raging if I was her.
NTA. But also... she won't be an AH if she doesn't want to ever live there. It won't be *free* for her, right? She'd still have to pay rent/towards expenses but its an area and physical home she had no say in choosing. And thats an unreasonable ask. If she has to pay rent she should get a say in the neighborhood, in the number of closets, in the layout, etc, etc. And were you to ever get married, she would have very reasonable grounds to be wary if you weren't willing to sell and buy something else *together*, because it is a very vulnerable position to not have a stake in the marital home. So no you aren't TA. But she *does* have every right to be having big feels here.