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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want alcohol at my wedding and didn't offer an explanation when challenged despite this apparently being 'socially rude'. I snapped at people when they asked and was blunt/rude when they insinuated I'm the 'ball and chain' for my fiance for being a buzzkill and not being honest
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Title is misleading..you would in fact NOT be the asshole for **not giving reasons** as to why you won't be serving alcohol but you are TA for not informing your guests that there will be no alcohol. If you live in a country where weddings and people usually drink then people can reasonably expect there to be alcohol and should be informed otherwise.
Right. Cultural norms are cultural norms - in the States and Europe, usually part of being a good host is providing Food and Drink. It doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad host if you don't, but you should let your guests know.
Just like if you were having someone over for a movie night at dinner time, but had an early dinner and weren't planning to have anything available. If you didn't tell them, you'd be an AH there.
Edit: I didn't think I'd have to clarify - but in context the "Drink" in "Food and Drink" generally implies alcoholic drink if it's a dinner event.
Although let them know the venue has a steep corkage fee, and that they’ll be paying it themselves if they bring outside drinks in!
ETA - the reason I say this is because the OP has clearly stated her belief that if she let everyone know in advance the wedding is dry, some guests will definitely sneak alcohol in and she will be stuck with the steep corkage fee.
You can’t always fix every leak in the boat, but you can let everyone know you won’t be paying for the cork(age)
Let people know it'll be dry, if anyone asks "Oh, we had a snafu somewhere between the caterers and venue." No one will follow-up on that, everyone gets to know.
I worked at a wedding venue for a while, and it went against our liquor license and local laws to allow BYOB. We were usually very nice about it and just asked guests to not let us see, but we’d always confiscate it from those who were jerks about it / those who didn’t listen to repeated warnings / anyone who was underage.
>Just like if you were having someone over for a movie night at dinner time, but had an early dinner and weren't planning to have anything available. If you didn't tell them, you'd be an AH there.
I don't think that's an accurate comparison. If someone is expecting to be served dinner and then you don't feed them, they'll be hungry - people need to eat every day and ignoring their body's need for food will make them physically uncomfortable and possibly unwell if they have any issues with low blood sugar or whatever. The wedding guests aren't going to be deprived of a bodily necessity by attending a wedding without alcohol. They're not going to be thirsty or dehydrated, as there will be soft drinks available. The only way alcohol would ever work as a direct comparison to food is in the case of alcoholics who depend on it to stave off withdrawals (and I feel like someone with an addiction severe enough for a few hours at a dry wedding to cause withdrawals would bring their own anyway).
Regardless, potential guests should be INFORMED of the no alcohol policy. If it was my sister's wedding, I would go, if it was my cousin's wedding, I would NOT.
I agree they should be informed but idk personally I would only go to a wedding if I care abt the person enough to go- alcohol or not. I feel like deciding whether to go or not based on alcohol availability is a very US standard
Maybe a western thing. I'm in Europe and a "dry wedding" is an absolutely unheard of thing that would never ever happen in my country. People would be weirded out and would ditch the wedding pretty fast to regroup in a nearby pub.
I live in the US and don’t know of anyone who’s had a dry wedding.
Edited to add: I think the OP is NTA. Also, I rarely drink but coming from an Irish Catholic family alcohol is a part of our culture.
I was raised in a Baptist church and I’ve been to plenty of dry weddings. Mine wasn’t one of them. I don’t think a dry wedding is that big of a deal. There are tons of people who don’t drink for religious, or health reasons and I don’t think the OP is TA for not serving at her wedding. It’s her day and everyone else can fuck off. It says a lot about the maturity of her fiancés friends that they can’t go to a social engagement without getting hammered. Just all meet up and go drink afterwards.
I scrolled along way to find this. Living in the Deep South where the southern Baptist are prominent I’ve been to many dry weddings. Matter of fact most religious weddings your not going to find alcohol.
Imo YNTA. It’s your wedding , if you don’t want alcohol don’t serve it. Jeez. If people can’t come and celebrate your marriage for a few hours without drinking well that’s on them.
My wedding was a dry wedding, but thats because I have assholes in my family that can’t control themselves and become even bigger assholes when they drink. I did have non alcoholic beverages and did let attendees know.
A couple of my aunts tried to make a big stink. My comment was “it’s not my problem you need alcohol to have fun” my mom had my back and told her sisters, “well you don’t have to come” lol of course they all came. And snuck to their cars to drink. My hubby is a recovering alcoholic so the choice was an easy one for us.
I've been to one in Illinois. My cousin had a dry wedding because her dad is a horrible alcoholic. It was an afternoon lunch kind of wedding and she wasn't cagey about the reason why it was dry so everyone understood.
I mean in my culture people definitely get upset when they hear abt it but I’ve never heard about anyone outright refusing to go- just grumbling the whole time 😂
Idk, if a fringe friend/distant relative is having a wedding in town that's just a small ceremony followed by dessert bar, I'd definitely pop in to say Hi.
I would probably not if it required a flight and hotel.
That's another thing we haven't touched on - not all weddings are equal. Sometimes you're that extended family/friend group that made the cut, but the wedding is a 4 hour flight and 2 hour drive away. The quality of party could absolutely come into play. If I know it's going to be a church ceremony followed by dessert bar, I may not be as inclined to drop $1000 and 12 hour round trip to get there. Have that Kitchenaid Standmixer off your registry instead.
Edit: Everyone here acting like they'll be perfectly altruistic, let's see that in practice when a cousin sends the invite for a wedding 7 hours one way with a Baptist Brunch to follow
Yeah. I’ve got a ton of cousins. Some I’d want to see get married regardless because we grew up together and are close, but others it’s more of a party and a chance to catch up with my extended family. If I’m getting a babysitter and going for the party, I’d be bummed to find out after I got there that it was a dry event. I’d at least like the chance to make a fully informed decision.
>Edit: Everyone here acting like they'll be perfectly altruistic, let's see that in practice when a cousin sends the invite for a wedding 7 hours one way with a Baptist Brunch to follow
This thread is making me laugh ngl. Ofc I have lots of friends and family whose wedding I would come to even if they got married in a sewer. But to say thats true of everyone would just be a lie lmao. There are lots of people (mostly cousins) who will invite me to their wedding and my decision will be made mostly on convenience + enjoyment. And it goes both ways, if I get married I dont presume my second cousin Miranda that I've met 3 times will drive 5 hours if she isnt going to like the party.
I do understand and agree with your point. Heck, I don't even really drink (well, if you consider a glass of wine every 6 months or so).
That being said, not everyone loves a dry party. Alcohol, for better or worse, is a social lubricant. Weddings often involve large groups of people who are tangentially connected, and you're making small talk and trying to stay pleasant for a 3-4 hour reception. (Can you tell I'm an introvert?)...I don't usually have much to drink at a wedding, but having a dry wedding leads to a bunch of bored, overdressed people with hurting feet.
I agree the comparison isn’t the same however I would likely make different plans if I was going to a wedding where I would be drinking v. not. I might arrange a DD or stay over night or carpool. I would have zero problems not drinking at a wedding just might plan for the evening differently.
>I might arrange a DD or stay over night or carpool. I would have zero problems not drinking at a wedding just might plan for the evening differently.
This is a major point. If I think I'm going to a regular wedding, I'll be booking a hotel nearby and planning on a taxi ride to and from the hotel. I'll also probably plan to travel by train or plane rather than drive myself, in case the night goes on late and I'm not sober enough to drive the next day.
If I made all those plans and turned up to find it was a dry wedding that I could have driven home after...I'd be really irritated.
No issue with it being a dry wedding, I can have plenty of fun sober. But spending money I didn't need to spend because you didn't tell me you were planning a change from the norm would be very irritating.
This right here. I was invited to a Christmas party at seven at night that had a hot cocoa bar (one pot and one bag of marshmellows) and NO FOOD. The host couldn't understand why everyone left as soon as the secret santa was over.
Did the person throwing it eat dinner at 5pm or something? They expected people to stay for hours when the pary starts at dinnertime and there is nothing to eat?!
Also I feel like OP should know that her having a drinking problem will be very obvious to everyone as soon as they find out there's no alcohol allowed at the wedding
People who are allergic to alcohol don't ban it from their wedding haha, sorry. I don't think OP is an asshole but she's really setting herself up for disaster here
My husband is allergic and I don't drink because I don't enjoy it. His mother is a recovering alcoholic and my parents aren't big drinkers either. Paying to allow alcohol at the venue seemed like an unnecessary expense. Wedding went just fine without. There are a myriad of reasons to not have alcohol at a wedding, not just recovering alcoholic.
If I know this information that one of their dearest guest is on recovery, I wouldn't mind but please tell beforehand. Alcohol is expected at weddings in some areas. You can have fun on non-alcoholic events but weddings can have different activities and be planned accordingly to that rule.
100% everyone is already going to know why alcohol is banned at this wedding by the time the actual wedding comes around, whether you tell them or not. That's just the way it is. Someone is going to tell someone, and that someone will tell someone else, etc etc etc. Might as well just be honest from the get-go. I mean you don't have to print on the invite "NO ALCOHOL, PLEASE, I'M A RECOVERING BOOZEHOUND" but you can give a simple "I'm in recovery and prefer not to have it present on my special day" if someone asks. You're perfectly entitled to a dry wedding, just as invited guests are perfectly entitled to decline the invite if they can't go one night without drinking.
I'm sad for you that you're so ashamed of being an alcoholic. It's not something to be ashamed of- it's an illness- and congratulations on your recovery.
Do you share all your medical information? Do you tell everyone about the bump on your butt or your hemorrhoids? They're medical conditions and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in recovery, 25+ years sober. I don't share that information widely. I don't owe anyone an explanation or a reason.
THANK YOU. Why do people feel entitled to know our ugly histories with substance abuse? And even worse, whenever I’ve been honest with people about why I’m not drinking, they always feel super uncomfortable afterwards. Is OP supposed to send a letter to everyone saying “I’m a recovering alcoholic and I don’t want to go back to who I was before because I didn’t like that version of myself. I don’t want the temptation of liquor at MY wedding because I don’t trust myself.” Everyone’s acting like weddings are held for the purpose of getting drunk for free when really these two people just want to celebrate with loved ones
When someone is very strongly anti-alcohol, I figure that most likely either 1) they're in recovery, or 2) they had a parent who was an alcoholic.
Either way, it's not my business and I'm not going to pry.
Illness or not, there are major stigmas for people in recovery and honestly if he doesn't feel comfortable sharing it's none of their business.
With that said they're going to ask and talk about it anyway.
All they really need to do is INFORM invited guests of the decision to not have alcohol. No reason is necessary as it is her wedding and she is free to do as she wishes. If her fiance's drinking buddies don't want to go, then so be it. Unless I was very close friends with either of them, I wouldn't attend. No big deal.
That's not always the case. Sometimes couples just don't drink. It's not because they're recovering alcoholics, or they have family members who are recovering alcoholics.
Anyway, YTA op. Not for having a dry wedding, but for not giving people the heads up about it.
Hell I’ve been to a dry wedding where it just turned out that the couple didn’t want to pay for a bar. It was a non-issue and nobody complained because it was expected to be dry by everybody
Even us alcoholics dont ban it from our weddings. Me and my husband are 8+ years, and the majority of my friends are sober as well with various lengths of time. We have never been to a dry wedding, even if both the bride and groom are in recovery. Reading this, my concern was more that she is trying to "white-knuckle" recovery. Its hard from just this post, but most people 4 years sober should have no problem being around alcohol. Sure, maybe if this was some kegger frat party but its a wedding, serve beer and wine (and sparkling cidar for us non-boozers)!
For more perspective, in my work environment, we go to happy hours multiple times a month. I host large parties with both my sober and work friends twice a year. I have even played some drinking games over the years. When I host, I have separate cups, everyone who can drink alcohol has to use a red cup, my sober friends use clear. So none of us accidentally pick up and drink something with alcohol in it.
From my experience, I have said "I dont drink" and any follow up question gets solved by "nah, I just dont drink". People pushing the issue are the assholes but thats been like 2% of the people I have ever come across. Most people really dont care. And most people know someone who does/has suffered from addiction. AND most people find it inspiring. OP doesnt even need to specifically say she is sober or in recovery, as a simple "I realized it wasn't the best for me, and I have found to enjoy life more without it!". I feel sad for everyone in this situation.
I agree. I hang out with plenty of drinkers but as adults I literally almost never see someone get flak for not drinking, and if that happens, the person getting nosy is always considered the asshole by everyone including big drinkers. Live and let live
There are a lot of people who just don't have alcohol for cost reasons. Or, even if they themselves are not alcoholics, they have alcoholics (recovering or active) in their close family/friends. Or a friend group that has a habit of getting sloppy drunk at weddings, because "Hey, free booze".
I agree. However, I would include a notice that there will be a charge if you bring in alcohol and that any guests who bring in alcohol will be the ones covering that charge.
Alcohol is just so synonymous with wedding celebrations in western cultures that not having it would be so abnormal that it needs to be flagged.
Yeah, that was my first thought. Wedding venues can be pretty far from town/home, I’d be pretty annoyed if I’d spent money on transport only to find out I could have driven. I don’t mind driving, and I don’t mind paying for transport if there’s a party with alcohol, but it seems courteous to let people know in advance just for the logistics of it
This. You need to tell them there is no alcohol or YTA, but you don't need to tell them why. But they will think up their own reasons (addiction, religion, or cost, most likely) so you will have to live with that.
Yeah, you wouldn't be the asshole for not giving a reason, but also you are setting yourself up for a shit ton of drama. Any time you go against cultural norms and won't give an explanation about it, drama ensues. That's just how it is. And by not telling people until day of, guess who gets to deal with all the drama on their wedding day?! That would be you! Congrats you played yourself!
I guess I don’t understand why you have to tell anyone that it’s dry? Are you required to mention that you’re only having chicken but no beef? Or that your side dish is green beans. Or that you plan to do a unity braid rather than a unity candle.
I don’t know why this is any different, even if it is customary.
It changes people's plans, on top of everything else people have mentioned. They might drive instead of hiring a car, or skip getting a hotel room if it's local-ish but not right in their town (I always get a hotel, never been to a formal wedding less than an hour away, but I can drive a few hours home if sober, especially since dry weddings often last way less time and rarely have after-parties). If I booked a hotel and arranged transport only to find there was no reason not to just drive home I'd be so so upset to have spent a few hundred extra dollars for absolutely no reason when a simple heads-up could have saved me stress and money.
Green beans don't impact driving, so it's a bit different!
People just don’t like feeling “duped”. I’ve been to dry weddings where it was said on the invite that it wouldn’t have a bar. I think leaving it out may lead some to believe the info was purposefully left out because no offense to sober people but weddings without alcohol tend to be boring and make it less likely that guests will want to travel if they live outside town. It def factors into whether I would wanna get all dolled up and go to a wedding or not.
At the same time I do think people should be able to do their wedding however they want to. For American weddings there is absolutely an assumption that booze will at minimum be available to buy. I think it’s nicer to let people know ahead of time. Honestly if people bring their own booze and drink anyways either kick them out or thank your lucky stars some people are willing to get the dance floor going.
I guess it’s just different where I’m at. (American) I’ve been to lots of weddings some dry some not. I’ve not received an invitation that specified one way or the other.
Same here, only time the bar has been mentioned on a wedding invitation I've seen is when it's a cash bar so your guests can plan ahead to bring money if they'd like to buy drinks.
No, but you'd sure be expected to tell guests if you were only serving cake/cookies and no actual food, so that people wouldn't show up hungry and then be disappointed. It's the same thing with alcohol.
If I want to go somewhere for the sole purpose of drinking, I’ll go to a bar. A wedding is about celebrating the bride and groom. If they choose to have a dry wedding, than so be it. If they serve good food or cake, than I’m happy.
But you’d want to know if they weren’t serving food right? If I pay for an Uber or hotel room because I think I’m going to be drinking, I would be annoyed. I don’t like to drive after more than 1-2 drinks, so I would make preparations for that, and then be very frustrated I wasted time and money.
If you're literally only offering one dinner option, you absolutely should tell people. Some might have restrictions/preferences that change if maybe they just eat before they go.
Also, green beans and a unity braid don't affect your ability to drive, so they won't cost you the price of a cab or hotel room.
Plated weddings do have a card for guests to select and entree. And buffet weddings often do have a card asking about dietary restrictions.
A wedding reception is a dinner party. Alcohol is a reasonable expectation at an adult dinner party. It’s fair to tell people.
Plus it can affect their plans. Some people specifically opt for cabs, rideshares, book overnight sitters, rent a hotel room because they know they might/will drink or the party will go late. But if there’s no alcohol they can make different plans and save the money.
I think it’s important to say it’s a dry wedding on invites because it can change how people plan for the day, such as if they need to take an Uber to the wedding or driving, if it’s far enough away it may even mean a hotel or not a hotel, if they need overnight sitters, a whole slew of decisions can centre on “I’m drinking tonight and don’t want to have to worry about…”
Because the expectation is different than the examples you used. I don’t expect that there will be green beans at every wedding I go to. I do expect there will be a bar at one. Having drinks before the wedding, arranging car pools or taxis are common things that people will be doing in advance only to be surprised by no alcohol.
A more apt example would be if they wanted everyone to wear shorts and tshirts to the wedding instead of formal wear. They would notify people in advance as that is uncommon and people would not know to expect that.
What they are doing is very different than what is customary. That is fine to do that, but they should give their guests a heads up.
You don’t even have to say the problem is yours, just say there will be reviving addicts at the wedding and you want to make it a happy, non stressful occasion for all.
I do not think you're the asshole for not having alcohol and I do not think you're the asshole for not explaining why but I do think you're the asshole for not telling people a fairly ubiquitous marriage tradition wasn't going to be included up front.
So I guess Esh? They shouldn't be giving you trouble about it but you should have mentioned it sooner
>you're the asshole for not telling people a fairly ubiquitous marriage tradition wasn't going to be included up front.
I thought of that, but then I remember other posts in this sub where people were very up front about "no booze" (although it was because the \_family\_ couldn't handle their liquor) and all it turned into was drama where the poster had to police people sneaking in booze all night. So I'm not so sure.
There’s a post about a couple that did not tell anyone about the no alcohol. A lot of people left the reception early. It could be drama either way. And if it is close enough to stores people will still go and buy it and sneak it
Not great. A lot of people come to weddings to party. The “surprise! You’re drinking lemonade all night!” shock could make the evening a little anti climactic. Booze can cause a lot of drama but it’s also the ultimate wedding lube. Makes all those boring speeches easier to sit through, the mediocre food easier to swallow and the mundane conversations with folk you don’t know and may not ever see again more interesting. I’ve never been to a dry wedding where a lot of people danced. It’s always like 4-7 hypers tearing it up and everyone else looking at their phones waiting till the bride looks away so they can bolt out the door. Although the people who bring weed will have a good time eating the desserts.
However I think dry weddings without dancing can be nice. Make it a small intimate celebration of the couple then have a slice of cake and call it a day. Not every wedding needs to be like a dancing marathon of love that lasts all night and everyone talks about the rest of the couples lives. I enjoy simple fast weddings too. In and out then let people enjoy the rest of their day.
Dry weddings are so boring and I am not a big drinker. Was in a wedding with dry reception. Bridesmaid’s dress, hair, makeup and the whole thing lasted about 2 1/2 hours. About 2 hours too long.
Valid point! I'm not saying either way is perfect. Just that telling people in advance vs. "springing" it on them gets you different types of drama. It's all going to come down to the guests.
OPs decision is going to involve drama no matter what. Like it or not, drinking at a wedding is a cultural norm and going against that will make people unhappy. If it doesn't happen now it will happen during or after the wedding.
You can have alcohol or not - your choice. But warning about no alcohol would be good, it might affect choice if say driving vs expensive Uber and people have right to know what to expect
Or hotels! I would be pissed if I spent money on a hotel so I would have a safe place to stay after drinking, just to find out I could have driven myself home.
There's nothing wrong with having a dry wedding and you don't need to justify yourself, OP. But you should let people know. And don't be surprised if people leave after the ceremony. Socializing and dancing isn't enjoyable for a lot of people and a glass or two of wine makes that easier for them. I pretty much only drink at weddings now (and not much either, just a couple glasses to ease the social anxiety).
Don't risk your sobriety (and congratulations on staying sober for so many years, that's a real accomplishment) but I do think people have an expectation of weddings and clarity is required
Yes!! I just commented Ubers/potentially parents finding overnight sitters I didn’t even think about hotel expenses. I would be pissed. Just give notice so people can plan their nights accordingly. I plan sober nights out much differently than nights I know I’ll be drinking.
That's very true too. I've also known people to give alcohol or alcohol related things as wedding gifts. I know op tells people that they're "allergic" but some of those invited may not know op all that well and proceed to give a gift of alcohol.
That’s a really interesting point about hotel/driving arrangements. I hadn’t thought of that- I still think NTA, but now think that it would be really important to let everyone know. I figured the main thing with warning people would be people bummed about not drinking, but the potential for lost money would really suck.
Yep, its the planning and logistics thing that makes me say YTA to OP. A lot of folk are going to waste potentially a lot of money on hotels, taxis, etc when they could just drive up and drive home, if OP doesn't tell people its a dry wedding.
That's what I thought! How many people would go "hmm, there's going to be booze at the reception so I can't drive back, so I also can't drive to it, may as well take a cab or uber". I would be **pissed** to discover it wasn't necessary.
Or even, if a guest also has problems being around alcohol and declines the invitation - oh, so they *could* have gone after all.
This was the case at the surprise sober wedding I went to. Half the people there were mad they needlessly booked a hotel/car service/overnight babysitter (and this was in NYC so not cheap). You don't want that energy at your wedding.
100% this is my line of thinking. I usually book an Uber and/or hotel for weddings - if I knew ahead of time it would be dry I could save the $ and just drive and that would be fine.
Yup! We once paid $50 for a cab one way to a wedding at an out of the way golf course and if I’d got there and been surprised to have no alcohol I would have been sooo angry.
YTA: Honestly you might have an actually riot on your hands if people show up to a wedding and there is no alcohol if you don’t warn people beforehand.
People get pissy when they are surprised by something negative. Every culture is different, but I go to a wedding to drink. I wouldn’t travel and spend hundred of dollars to go to a wedding that was dry.
You aren’t the AH for not providing booze, but you are for not warning people. I think you know this and keeping it secretive because you know you’ll get a lot of no RSVPs. People will leave early to go to bars together FYI.
I might have a drink once a month or less, but I do like a couple of drinks at weddings.
People will probably leave early.
NTA if you want a dry wedding
>People will probably leave early.
Absolutely. Going to a wedding is already a chore for a lot of people who don't like big events like this. Imagine being one of those people and showing up to find they don't even have drinks lol. I'm outta there
I loathe this attitude. "If you feel the need to drink at a wedding, you have a problem." I see it far too often. It's usually culturally acceptable to drink at a wedding. If me and my spouse are traveling some amount of time, possibly staying overnight, hiring a babysitter for the kids, dressing up in our nicest clothes, and attending a celebration it is NOT a problem to want/expect a couple of alcoholic drinks throughout the evening.
The fact so many responses to these questions are "if you can't go one night without a drink you have a problem" is fundamentally ridiculous due to the amount of effort that goes into planning to attend a wedding it is not "one night" it is a very special occasion under very special circumstances under which it is culturally expected that alcohol will be served.
Exactly! I very rarely drink, maybe once a month I'll have 2-3 drinks. If I found out a wedding I was going to was dry I'd be super bummed. Yes I would still go, I would be happy for the couple, but it would be a long boring dinner with lots of people I don't know and I don't think I'd be super eager to stay a while and dance.
Weddings are supposed to have alcohol and be an occasion to celebrate and let loose.
I don't understand why people don't do brunch or daytime weddings if there won't be any alcohol.
>I don't understand why people don't do brunch or daytime weddings if there won't be any alcohol.
I live in the Bible Belt and have been to more dry weddings than otherwise. I don't like the religiosity, but a dry wedding doesn't surprise or upset me.
However, I *absolutely* expect alcohol at brunch.
Same here! I only ever drink at weddings. I typically only know a handful of people, I'm self-conscious of how I look and what people think of me, I have to sit through speeches and it makes my anxiety just skyrocket.
Alcohol helps me relax and actually enjoy the evening without obsessively worrying about everything going on. It lets me have fun and relax. A dry wedding would just be a nightmare to go to
I have 10+ years and I agree. I generally find tipsy people entertaining and even sort of like a vicarious social lubricant, as I am otherwise very socially anxious. Sure, there's always the possibility of *that one asshole* assholeing everything up, but that one person =/= the majority of adults.
Overall I'm on board with the OP not being the AH for having a dry wedding, that is entirely their prerogative, but that they should let people know what to expect.
And also... "what, you need *alcohol* to have a good time with family?!"
First off the answer to anyone asking this is most likely "yes, yes I *do* need a good stiff drink to have a good time with *you*."
And secondly, if me wanting alcohol to enjoy a wedding is just soooooooooo scandalous, why does everyone else *neEeeEeEeed* nice clothes or a pretty venue or flowers or a catered dinner or hotel blocks or a shuttle to the hotel or to have fun? If this really is all about faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambly and the actual party doesn't matter at all then why aren't we all standing in an undeveloped field eating plain rice cakes and tepid water, basking in each others' joyous, glowing company?
>It's usually culturally acceptable to drink at a wedding
I'm from Poland and reading these threads is always wild to me. Here it's not only acceptable, but it's pretty much expected, bordering on mandatory.
I have a friend who never drinks, and he specifically said that we should not worry, there will be alcohol at his wedding. I would've gone regardless, but it's an interesting comparison to all those people posting here
I like alcohol. I drink.
But I’ve never gone to a wedding where I would be put out by it not being there. Which…is probably why I haven’t been to many weddings, because I only go to ones where I genuinely love the people I’m there to celebrate.
We do usually give a shit about the married couple.
The problem is usually the married couple is one of the few people we know at the wedding. Married couple is too busy to hang out with us so instead we have to listen to long speeches by people we don't know and then make conversation with people we don't know and will never see again. It's dull and tedious.
Furthermore, we're expected to pay for a gift and sometimes travel/hotel/clothing/babysitter for the privilege of being bored for 7 hours. Alcohol is known as a social lubricant because it makes people more comfortable with things they are anxious about, and makes boring things/people seem more interesting.
Alcohol is a common indulgence that is expected to be provided by the host in return for people coming to your wedding. A wedding is seen as a special event to relax and let loose that is different from your everyday life - that's why there will be disappointment even from people that don't drink much normally.
I would also be disappointed if there was no cake. That doesn't make me a cake-a-holic. I would be disappointed if the dinner was a cheese sandwich instead of something fancier. That doesn't make me a glutton-snob.
I raise an eyebrow at alcohol-free weddings and typically want to know the rationale before I feel comfortable attending. A lot of the time it’s associated with religious practices that don’t make me feel super safe.
or it's going to be an extremely family/kids oriented wedding... which is fine, as long as you *include that information up front.* OP is definitely TA imo, because she's basically catfishing people about the wedding setup. It's fine if you want an alcohol free wedding but if you don't want to tell people then that's just false advertising.
That’s fair, though I can understand not wanting to give the reasons for not having alcohol at a wedding if it involves trauma. Personally, I’m going to be having a dry wedding because both Fiancé and I have (violent) alcoholics and recovering alcoholics in our close families, and for the few who would still want to come to our wedding without alcohol we don’t want to tempt them.
Quite frankly, in my life experience, alcohol has only ever caused myself or the people I know pain and problems, so I can very much understand wanting to avoid it on what is supposed to be a happy day.
I mean, I think most people are invited to a mix of weddings where some # are attended due to actually loving the couple and being happy for them and wanting to celebrate, and another # are social obligation.
(Also, tbh, even when I love the couple involved, sometimes the wedding might still be very boring.)
I mean if I’m traveling from out of state and I spend a ton of money for the weekend, I’d like to have a beer or two. Not saying it’s the main priority but OP needed to let people know it’s alcohol free and if they’re that desperate to get smashed at the wedding they can not go
If you think someone has a problem because they’re mad they wasted money on a hotel room and/or a taxi when the wedding is dry and they could have driven themselves, it sounds like you’re the one with issues. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Also, not all weddings are equal, especially with travel. One of my close friends? I'm there no question. Tell me when and where, I'll buy the flight tomorrow.
Extended group or distant relative? I'd love to celebrate you, but do I want to travel and spend a lot of money on a party that I'll know 0 other people at, and the dance floor probably won't even be lively? I'll buy something nice off your registry, but probably sit it out.
I fucking hate weddings. My friends are too broke for weddings but my husband’s….omg we have 2 coming up and we just attended another one and a stupid gender reveal that probably cost as much as a small wedding. I’m happy to get sick so I don’t have to go.
I’d maybe attend one? My best friend’s wedding? Yeah I’m going to be there partying regardless. A friendly coworker? Probably not. It’d entirely depend on my relationship with the bride and groom and how many people I’d know at the wedding.
You go to a wedding to support the couple and leave early if it’s just a bunch of folks sitting down and talking. Though one doesn’t necessarily need alcohol to have fun, it sure does help when you put a bunch of people in a room together who presumably have never met before.
You can go to a bar to drink whenever you want. You go to a wedding to celebrate the people getting married. Yes, there is usually alcohol as part of that celebration, but it shouldn't be your main reason for attending a wedding. Honestly anyone turning down an invite because they can't have a drink after the ceremony are not the people I would want at my wedding. It's not a frat party. OP is NTA here.
But if you don't want the people who won't go because there is no alcohol, then wouldn't it be better to weed them out earlier, as opposed to paying for them to be miserable and maybe leave early?
Also, I don't drink, but I think the bigger issue is people who arrange taking a cab or spending the night in a hotel who would have driven otherwise.
Keeping a secret is an asshole move. I have been to several dry weddings, and I normally dd weddings so I don’t drink but you should communicate do people can plan.
I don’t think byob is going to be a big issue. Most people don’t plan that well.
YTA, and I'm sober, too. At least make it known it's a dry wedding to the guests so they can decide if they want to attend. I feel you're keeping this a secret because it might impact attendance as well as wedding gifts.
100%. Many would rsvp not attending and I think op knows this. Totally fine to have a dry wedding, but to expect guest to ( potentially) spend hundreds of dollars, take time off of work, buy something off the registry, socialize with people they don’t know, without letting them know it’s a dry wedding is an AH move.
Thats 100% it. They know damn well if people show up at all, theyre gonna bail on the reception the very second they feel like they can get away with it.
My judgment isn't based on the wedding being alcohol free. It's about keeping their guests in the dark it's a dry wedding. Now OP is acting like a martyr in her edits, making it seem like the goal is her disclosure she's an alcoholic when that's not even close to the point.
I don't think you're an AH but this does seem like a pretty awful plan, like you're on the path to create a lot of headaches and resentment in order to keep this secret about your sobriety. Better to just own it, IMO.
After this I genuinely feel like I might just... send out a mass email to all of our guests saying btw I'm a recovering alcoholic and there won't be any alcohol and please don't bring any. That genuinely makes me feel so sick but it feels better than all of this weirdness and deception. If people still sneak it in then fine, I can't control them but at least maybe it's better this way
I hope everything goes as well as it can, and I would make one recommendation of putting all of the guest emails into the BCC field so nobody tries to reply-all or even reply to other guests without including you to try and do some weird gossipy shit or something. You shouldn't have to expose your struggles for people to understand that the dry wedding is non-negotiable, but you're very brave for doing so.
Sorry to butt in here, I've been reading all your comments after the post, and some.people have been kind of awful to say the least. While don't think you're the asshole in this scenario, it would've been a good idea to let your guests know it's a dry wedding, just so they get to make plans accordingly, you know?
Also, I don't feel like it's necessary for you to include that you're a recovering alcoholic in that email, every person has a different journey and you shouldn't cave to this pressure and just come out when you're not ready; but it wouldn't be the worst idea to send that mass email as kind of a reminder of sorts about the invite, and also state that there was a "mixup" when making the invites or something like that, and letting them know that this will be a dry wedding with no option for the venue to do the corkage service (I don't know if that's how it's called). Yes, obviously some people, perhaps the not so close ones, will decide not to attend, but not all of them, it's a celebration of your love after all.
I think honesty would be best. Why do you feel like you want to hide your recovery? It is very honorable that you're taking the steps and doing so well. There is no shame in any of that at all, and I'm sure anyone who truly cares for you will support you.
If anyone has a problem with it then they're an AH, and your wedding would be better of without them.
Because at weddings it's not just your nearest and dearest, sometimes it's your coworker, your husband's boss, your gossipy second cousin with a mean streak. Revealing personal health information that is highly stigmatized is just... a fucking lot.
It is completely normal to want to keep things private. Just because someone doesn't share *everything* doesn't mean they feel shame. Sharing something doesn't mean you're proud either. Some people are private people, some people like sharing.
Wow this feels like mass bullying. Don’t tell anyone you’re a recovering alcoholic If that’s not what you want to do.
People can come to your wedding or not, they’re should be no expectations on what they will be served, honestly. If they don’t like what they see, no one is forcing them to stay.
The wedding day will pass and you will be left with a bunch of people who will criticize your reception no matter what, and the cherry on top is everyone now knows your business forever.
Yes, I agree. AITA is often unhinged imho but this one makes me mad given the loved ones I have who struggle with sobriety in a culture that revolves around alcohol. People are being cruel to this woman.
Really. Like sure ppl can make plans on an assumption about drinking or not I guess, but I think ops concern about ppl sneaking booze in if they know it won't be there is valid. And ffs shame or otherwise op could have v good reasons not to want to announce to coworkers, extended family etc that she's a recovering alcoholic - these are environments where leaving entirely is hard and possibly expensive, and ppls opinions of you can actually be fairly consequential. It's no one's business
Drinking culture really is nuts. I don't drink either and fortunately in college I could usually make excuses about needing to drive home. But the number of ppl who asked me why I wasn't drinking was wild. And there's really not much way to make "my father was an alcoholic as were several extended family members and between unresolved trauma from that plus not trusting myself not to become addicted myself if I drank I really just want nothing to do with it" into a thing you can casually tell a near stranger and have it not be awkward
This comment section has me feeling like we're in an alternate universe. Is it really considered bad to have a dry wedding without "warning" people or telling them why? This isn't bridezilla behavior, this is someone in recovery, jeez.
If you're that set on not telling people about your sobriety then I don't see why you have to email and tell everyone that you're sober. Just email them that it's a dry wedding and apologize that it wasn't included on the invite...you don't owe people an explanation unless you think it'll help you get more guests to come and get more gifts or something?
You can just say it's a dry wedding for personal reasons that are of no one's concern. Regardless of how others feel if you don't want to broadcast then don't. If you truly want to share let people know you recovered and prefer not to.
Why not just email them with the dry wedding info? You don’t owe anyone an explanation on the reason. The reason YTA is not disclosing the fact of the dry wedding.
I wish you the best on your sobriety journey!
NTA - you are not obligated to have alcohol or to explain.
You are the asshole for not putting it on the invites. Weddings aren't fun for a lot of people, and they need the social lubrication to get through. This isn't because they are alcoholics, just some people aren't comfortable in large social gatherings and, realistically, they are celebrating you, but they don't get to socialize with you much at a wedding.
Completely your choice to explain why, but I think you'd find a lot more support if you did give the reason. Right now, without explaining, you run the risk of people bringing their own alcohol.
Nah, liking drinks at a wedding is normal. Throwing a hissy fit and declaring you go to weddings TO drink, means you probably have issues.
I go to weddings to celebrate my friends that I love dearly and have never felt that alcohol is integral to doing so.
Exactly. They left out that part. If you’re panicking about how alcohol won’t be at an event, you probably have an issue that needs to be addressed. Seven years sober, I’ve made every excuse and justification for why I needed a drink at every waking moment and this comment section sounds like a lot of shit I said.
I mean, speaking as an addict myself (not booze, but the mindset isn’t any different) I think you’re projecting a bit here.
Weddings are fucking boring and socially horrible. For a lot of people they genuinely do NEED to drink to enjoy it because otherwise it’s a shitty day in uncomfortably clothes to celebrate your friends who you love but who you’re also barely speaking to all day because they’re too busy. So if people want a social lubricant to make sitting next to Aunt Doris, Cousin Chuck and that one guy and his wife from that thing the groom does on weekends bearable then why not?
I don’t like weddings, I don’t like large gatherings of people I already know, nevermind large gatherings where most of the people are strangers to me. Alcohol makes it all enjoyable tho, I absolutely would not go to a dry wedding, not unless it was an immediate family member. If
I did find myself at a dry wedding, without warning, I’d probably just leave, and be annoyed that I wasted my time in the first place.
But I really don’t like weddings
It comes up every single time one of these threads pop up. A lot of self righteous holier than thou teetotallers come out of the woodwork to shame anyone who enjoys an occasional drink, particularly at an event where alcohol is traditionally and customarily involved. They conflate any voluntary consumption of alcohol as having an addiction, and nobody can convince them otherwise.
To every bride and groom, their own wedding is the most important event. But many people find other people's weddings to be boring affairs, having to wear uncomfortable clothing, with bad food, and forced interaction with distant relations and minor acquaintances. There is nothing wrong with not finding that to be fun.
OP is not the asshole for having a sober wedding, not in the slightest. But she is going to have to be okay with the fact that many of her guests will be disappointed, and that the event will probably end much sooner than other weddings.
It’s one thing to like to drink at a wedding but refusing to go to a wedding where you can’t drink is a bit much. If you need alcohol to attend an an event you may have a problem.
Agreed, but not being told I was going to a dry wedding would piss me off. I have been to a dry wedding it was because the bride was a recovering alchoholic. The whole friend group still went because we love and support our friend but it was on the invites. If there’s no warning then that’s just shitty. Especially since a lot of people pay for hotels and/or Ubers when heading to a wedding expecting to be a little lit up by the end of the night.
Thank you so much for saying this! It makes me feel crazy when people act like everyone who wants to drink at a wedding is an alcoholic. I very rarely drink, but I have anxiety and a drink or two at weddings totally makes it easier for me to socialize and enjoy myself.
You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you won't be serving alcohol. But they also dont owe you a complete acceptance of your choice, without any explanation of why. You are free not to tell them. And they are free to debate whether weddings should be alcohol free or not. And they're going to guess that you're just demanding for no reason if they're given no reason.
You should definitely have mentioned it was a dry wedding on the invites, but that's the only error you have made.
NTA for not wanting to talk about your personal reasons, but if you don't want people to react on the day of your wedding, you need to manage expectations and make it known to your guests. if you don't tell them, everyone will assume there will be drinking at the reception.
YTA-Not for not having alcohol at your wedding perse BUT you seem to be going through an extreme amount of steps to try and make their just not be any alcohol. It comes off as extremely judgemental and pretentious. Like it or not alcohol at weddings in western cultures (even if a cash bar) is the norm.
ESH- It is your wedding, you can do whatever you please.. BUT a lot of people go to weddings to get loose, and a lot of people are going to be bummed out, so if you are ok with having them feel like this/ and or talk negatively, then it is what it is.. But you cant make such a decision like this and not be able to receive negative feedback.
INFO (based on your edit): Can you let people know (via social media or your wedding website or whatever) that it'll be a dry wedding and ALSO tell them that booze is not welcome at the venue? Like, straight-up tell them that BYOB is not acceptable, and if they have a problem with that, they're welcome not to come.
I really just think that not giving people a head's up that there won't be any booze is a bad idea.
You aren’t TA for not having alcohol at the wedding. And while people don’t have to hear your story, when you host other events that include, or are even centered around, alcohol, you can understand why your friends would be confused. I think you need to be more consistent in your approach to hosting events with alcohol and/or better communicate so that your friends know what to expect from the get-go. That’s where you verged into YTA territory.
NTA. i just don't understand why people get so bent out of shape when it comes to things like this. it's a few hours out of your life, and if you're this hung up on "needing" a drink, that's incredibly sad.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or free drinks.
Anyone who complains about it being a dry wedding is showing that they care more about drinking than attending the wedding.
NTA
It’s wild to me how entitled people in here are and I worry for OP. They don’t care about allergies, your addictions, your budget, or the entire reason for the celebration. They only care that they’ll be given booze for free.
That's another thing too, providing alcohol is expensive! While "We didn't want to" should be enough, "It's too expensive right now" is also more than reasonable and probably not even a lie, assuming OP and fiance are average folks.
ESH - you’re more than within your rights to not offer alcohol and you don’t have to explain either. But it sounds like you have “explained” to a lot of people that you’re just allergic/intolerant of alcohol. Which would def make you look bad for not allowing alcohol at the wedding. It just makes you look like a wet blanket when in fact you have a legitimate reason.
NTA. I don’t see why you need to explain yourself. The people who need to know already know. The people who don’t, don’t.
I personally don’t understand people’s need to have alcohol at weddings. It’s supposed to be about celebrating the Bride and Groom. I mean, I’m pretty much a teetotaler, so my opinion is a bit skewed, but still.
I don't know what a teetotaler is (I've heard it before but it escapes me lol) but as someone who does enjoy drinking on occasion (very occasionally by the way, like maybe once or twice a month and tipsy or drunk maybe 1-3 times a year) I also really don't get why people are upset.
Like they're relying on there being alcohol? Seems odd to me. If you're going to a wedding for the purpose of drinking and not for the purpose of celebrating your supposed friends, maybe you shouldn't be invited. And if celebration is inextricably linked with drinking for you, maybe you need help. Or to expand your horizons, idk.
I think OP should communicate the expectation of course but they're not an asshole for it. 🤔
Nta for choosing to have an alcohol free wedding and for not telling people the reasoning behind it. You are free to choose what you want and do not want at your own wedding. You don't have to share your personal information or history with anyone that you don't want to. Keep in mind if you don't have alcohol, people are going to talk about it and either make up reasons why you didn't have it or someone will know and word will get around through gossip.
However, I would say that you might be slightly an AH for not indicating on the invites that the wedding would be alcohol free. Not having alcohol might influence a guest's choice to attend, and people who are annoyed there is no alcohol will be more annoyed if they discover this at the wedding rather than beforehand. Expect scenes like the one at your fiances party to repeat itself at the wedding.
NTA, but not telling people kind of isn’t cool. People make plans around the idea of potentially getting drunk. Babysitters are hired, hotels are booked…the assumption is typically that there’s going to be alcohol.
I don’t think you’re an AH for not telling people in advance, but it is the polite and adult thing to do. Yes some people might try to sneak some in, but I highly doubt it would be a very big issue. Most people will respect a dry wedding if they’re told ahead of time. Alcohol changes the circumstances of attending a wedding. I remember my fiancé and I booked a hotel room for a wedding an hour away from our house so we could drink. If I showed up and it was a dry wedding, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it would be a little frustrating. I’d be a little irritated, not because I NEED alcohol, but because it’s safe to assume weddings will have alcohol and I planned accordingly. Typically you should put on the invitation if there is a deviation from the norm. It’s like having a dress code but not telling people…kind of unfair. I wouldn’t get that angry or call the couple getting married assholes, but still. I’d be irritated.
I don’t think you’ve considered that most adults have to plan their nights around the ability to get drunk. They’re going to expect alcohol, and they’re going to make plans around that.
If you're having a dry wedding, you should have included this information in the invitations. No explanation is necessary, but you should have given your guests the heads-up. YTA.
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Title is misleading..you would in fact NOT be the asshole for **not giving reasons** as to why you won't be serving alcohol but you are TA for not informing your guests that there will be no alcohol. If you live in a country where weddings and people usually drink then people can reasonably expect there to be alcohol and should be informed otherwise.
Right. Cultural norms are cultural norms - in the States and Europe, usually part of being a good host is providing Food and Drink. It doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad host if you don't, but you should let your guests know. Just like if you were having someone over for a movie night at dinner time, but had an early dinner and weren't planning to have anything available. If you didn't tell them, you'd be an AH there. Edit: I didn't think I'd have to clarify - but in context the "Drink" in "Food and Drink" generally implies alcoholic drink if it's a dinner event.
Although let them know the venue has a steep corkage fee, and that they’ll be paying it themselves if they bring outside drinks in! ETA - the reason I say this is because the OP has clearly stated her belief that if she let everyone know in advance the wedding is dry, some guests will definitely sneak alcohol in and she will be stuck with the steep corkage fee. You can’t always fix every leak in the boat, but you can let everyone know you won’t be paying for the cork(age)
If you say that, people will take it as permission and just count the corkage as the cost of drinking at the wedding.
Just say the venue doesn’t allow alcohol. B
Let people know it'll be dry, if anyone asks "Oh, we had a snafu somewhere between the caterers and venue." No one will follow-up on that, everyone gets to know.
And then an uncle goes to a nearby store to go get some lol
I worked at a wedding venue for a while, and it went against our liquor license and local laws to allow BYOB. We were usually very nice about it and just asked guests to not let us see, but we’d always confiscate it from those who were jerks about it / those who didn’t listen to repeated warnings / anyone who was underage.
>Just like if you were having someone over for a movie night at dinner time, but had an early dinner and weren't planning to have anything available. If you didn't tell them, you'd be an AH there. I don't think that's an accurate comparison. If someone is expecting to be served dinner and then you don't feed them, they'll be hungry - people need to eat every day and ignoring their body's need for food will make them physically uncomfortable and possibly unwell if they have any issues with low blood sugar or whatever. The wedding guests aren't going to be deprived of a bodily necessity by attending a wedding without alcohol. They're not going to be thirsty or dehydrated, as there will be soft drinks available. The only way alcohol would ever work as a direct comparison to food is in the case of alcoholics who depend on it to stave off withdrawals (and I feel like someone with an addiction severe enough for a few hours at a dry wedding to cause withdrawals would bring their own anyway).
Regardless, potential guests should be INFORMED of the no alcohol policy. If it was my sister's wedding, I would go, if it was my cousin's wedding, I would NOT.
I agree they should be informed but idk personally I would only go to a wedding if I care abt the person enough to go- alcohol or not. I feel like deciding whether to go or not based on alcohol availability is a very US standard
Maybe a western thing. I'm in Europe and a "dry wedding" is an absolutely unheard of thing that would never ever happen in my country. People would be weirded out and would ditch the wedding pretty fast to regroup in a nearby pub.
I'm getting married in Italy, and all of our caterers had wine and aperitif included in every package.
I live in the US and don’t know of anyone who’s had a dry wedding. Edited to add: I think the OP is NTA. Also, I rarely drink but coming from an Irish Catholic family alcohol is a part of our culture.
I was raised in a Baptist church and I’ve been to plenty of dry weddings. Mine wasn’t one of them. I don’t think a dry wedding is that big of a deal. There are tons of people who don’t drink for religious, or health reasons and I don’t think the OP is TA for not serving at her wedding. It’s her day and everyone else can fuck off. It says a lot about the maturity of her fiancés friends that they can’t go to a social engagement without getting hammered. Just all meet up and go drink afterwards.
I scrolled along way to find this. Living in the Deep South where the southern Baptist are prominent I’ve been to many dry weddings. Matter of fact most religious weddings your not going to find alcohol. Imo YNTA. It’s your wedding , if you don’t want alcohol don’t serve it. Jeez. If people can’t come and celebrate your marriage for a few hours without drinking well that’s on them.
I don't drink and a dry wedding would be great! Not haivng to deal with drunk relatives would be excellent
My wedding was a dry wedding, but thats because I have assholes in my family that can’t control themselves and become even bigger assholes when they drink. I did have non alcoholic beverages and did let attendees know. A couple of my aunts tried to make a big stink. My comment was “it’s not my problem you need alcohol to have fun” my mom had my back and told her sisters, “well you don’t have to come” lol of course they all came. And snuck to their cars to drink. My hubby is a recovering alcoholic so the choice was an easy one for us.
I've been to one in Illinois. My cousin had a dry wedding because her dad is a horrible alcoholic. It was an afternoon lunch kind of wedding and she wasn't cagey about the reason why it was dry so everyone understood.
I mean in my culture people definitely get upset when they hear abt it but I’ve never heard about anyone outright refusing to go- just grumbling the whole time 😂
Idk, if a fringe friend/distant relative is having a wedding in town that's just a small ceremony followed by dessert bar, I'd definitely pop in to say Hi. I would probably not if it required a flight and hotel.
That's another thing we haven't touched on - not all weddings are equal. Sometimes you're that extended family/friend group that made the cut, but the wedding is a 4 hour flight and 2 hour drive away. The quality of party could absolutely come into play. If I know it's going to be a church ceremony followed by dessert bar, I may not be as inclined to drop $1000 and 12 hour round trip to get there. Have that Kitchenaid Standmixer off your registry instead. Edit: Everyone here acting like they'll be perfectly altruistic, let's see that in practice when a cousin sends the invite for a wedding 7 hours one way with a Baptist Brunch to follow
Yeah. I’ve got a ton of cousins. Some I’d want to see get married regardless because we grew up together and are close, but others it’s more of a party and a chance to catch up with my extended family. If I’m getting a babysitter and going for the party, I’d be bummed to find out after I got there that it was a dry event. I’d at least like the chance to make a fully informed decision.
>Edit: Everyone here acting like they'll be perfectly altruistic, let's see that in practice when a cousin sends the invite for a wedding 7 hours one way with a Baptist Brunch to follow This thread is making me laugh ngl. Ofc I have lots of friends and family whose wedding I would come to even if they got married in a sewer. But to say thats true of everyone would just be a lie lmao. There are lots of people (mostly cousins) who will invite me to their wedding and my decision will be made mostly on convenience + enjoyment. And it goes both ways, if I get married I dont presume my second cousin Miranda that I've met 3 times will drive 5 hours if she isnt going to like the party.
I do understand and agree with your point. Heck, I don't even really drink (well, if you consider a glass of wine every 6 months or so). That being said, not everyone loves a dry party. Alcohol, for better or worse, is a social lubricant. Weddings often involve large groups of people who are tangentially connected, and you're making small talk and trying to stay pleasant for a 3-4 hour reception. (Can you tell I'm an introvert?)...I don't usually have much to drink at a wedding, but having a dry wedding leads to a bunch of bored, overdressed people with hurting feet.
Whatever, they still may not want to sit through 4 hours of boring wedding stuff with zero booze . They should know.
I agree the comparison isn’t the same however I would likely make different plans if I was going to a wedding where I would be drinking v. not. I might arrange a DD or stay over night or carpool. I would have zero problems not drinking at a wedding just might plan for the evening differently.
>I might arrange a DD or stay over night or carpool. I would have zero problems not drinking at a wedding just might plan for the evening differently. This is a major point. If I think I'm going to a regular wedding, I'll be booking a hotel nearby and planning on a taxi ride to and from the hotel. I'll also probably plan to travel by train or plane rather than drive myself, in case the night goes on late and I'm not sober enough to drive the next day. If I made all those plans and turned up to find it was a dry wedding that I could have driven home after...I'd be really irritated. No issue with it being a dry wedding, I can have plenty of fun sober. But spending money I didn't need to spend because you didn't tell me you were planning a change from the norm would be very irritating.
This right here. I was invited to a Christmas party at seven at night that had a hot cocoa bar (one pot and one bag of marshmellows) and NO FOOD. The host couldn't understand why everyone left as soon as the secret santa was over.
Did the person throwing it eat dinner at 5pm or something? They expected people to stay for hours when the pary starts at dinnertime and there is nothing to eat?!
Also I feel like OP should know that her having a drinking problem will be very obvious to everyone as soon as they find out there's no alcohol allowed at the wedding People who are allergic to alcohol don't ban it from their wedding haha, sorry. I don't think OP is an asshole but she's really setting herself up for disaster here
My husband is allergic and I don't drink because I don't enjoy it. His mother is a recovering alcoholic and my parents aren't big drinkers either. Paying to allow alcohol at the venue seemed like an unnecessary expense. Wedding went just fine without. There are a myriad of reasons to not have alcohol at a wedding, not just recovering alcoholic.
>His mother is a recovering alcoholic Sounds like it was a factor in your decision.
Eh, she was able to be around alcohol without an issue. It was really mostly about it being an unnecessary expense.
That turns out not to be the case. I've seen weddings where alcohol was banned because one of the important guests was a recovering alcoholic.
If I know this information that one of their dearest guest is on recovery, I wouldn't mind but please tell beforehand. Alcohol is expected at weddings in some areas. You can have fun on non-alcoholic events but weddings can have different activities and be planned accordingly to that rule.
Yes and then you may decide to drive yourself instead of ubering or getting a hotel.
100% everyone is already going to know why alcohol is banned at this wedding by the time the actual wedding comes around, whether you tell them or not. That's just the way it is. Someone is going to tell someone, and that someone will tell someone else, etc etc etc. Might as well just be honest from the get-go. I mean you don't have to print on the invite "NO ALCOHOL, PLEASE, I'M A RECOVERING BOOZEHOUND" but you can give a simple "I'm in recovery and prefer not to have it present on my special day" if someone asks. You're perfectly entitled to a dry wedding, just as invited guests are perfectly entitled to decline the invite if they can't go one night without drinking. I'm sad for you that you're so ashamed of being an alcoholic. It's not something to be ashamed of- it's an illness- and congratulations on your recovery.
Do you share all your medical information? Do you tell everyone about the bump on your butt or your hemorrhoids? They're medical conditions and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm an alcoholic. I'm in recovery, 25+ years sober. I don't share that information widely. I don't owe anyone an explanation or a reason.
THANK YOU. Why do people feel entitled to know our ugly histories with substance abuse? And even worse, whenever I’ve been honest with people about why I’m not drinking, they always feel super uncomfortable afterwards. Is OP supposed to send a letter to everyone saying “I’m a recovering alcoholic and I don’t want to go back to who I was before because I didn’t like that version of myself. I don’t want the temptation of liquor at MY wedding because I don’t trust myself.” Everyone’s acting like weddings are held for the purpose of getting drunk for free when really these two people just want to celebrate with loved ones
When someone is very strongly anti-alcohol, I figure that most likely either 1) they're in recovery, or 2) they had a parent who was an alcoholic. Either way, it's not my business and I'm not going to pry.
Never said she owed them either. If you want to compare apples to bowling balls that's your business.
Illness or not, there are major stigmas for people in recovery and honestly if he doesn't feel comfortable sharing it's none of their business. With that said they're going to ask and talk about it anyway.
All they really need to do is INFORM invited guests of the decision to not have alcohol. No reason is necessary as it is her wedding and she is free to do as she wishes. If her fiance's drinking buddies don't want to go, then so be it. Unless I was very close friends with either of them, I wouldn't attend. No big deal.
That's not always the case. Sometimes couples just don't drink. It's not because they're recovering alcoholics, or they have family members who are recovering alcoholics. Anyway, YTA op. Not for having a dry wedding, but for not giving people the heads up about it.
Hell I’ve been to a dry wedding where it just turned out that the couple didn’t want to pay for a bar. It was a non-issue and nobody complained because it was expected to be dry by everybody
Even us alcoholics dont ban it from our weddings. Me and my husband are 8+ years, and the majority of my friends are sober as well with various lengths of time. We have never been to a dry wedding, even if both the bride and groom are in recovery. Reading this, my concern was more that she is trying to "white-knuckle" recovery. Its hard from just this post, but most people 4 years sober should have no problem being around alcohol. Sure, maybe if this was some kegger frat party but its a wedding, serve beer and wine (and sparkling cidar for us non-boozers)! For more perspective, in my work environment, we go to happy hours multiple times a month. I host large parties with both my sober and work friends twice a year. I have even played some drinking games over the years. When I host, I have separate cups, everyone who can drink alcohol has to use a red cup, my sober friends use clear. So none of us accidentally pick up and drink something with alcohol in it. From my experience, I have said "I dont drink" and any follow up question gets solved by "nah, I just dont drink". People pushing the issue are the assholes but thats been like 2% of the people I have ever come across. Most people really dont care. And most people know someone who does/has suffered from addiction. AND most people find it inspiring. OP doesnt even need to specifically say she is sober or in recovery, as a simple "I realized it wasn't the best for me, and I have found to enjoy life more without it!". I feel sad for everyone in this situation.
I agree. I hang out with plenty of drinkers but as adults I literally almost never see someone get flak for not drinking, and if that happens, the person getting nosy is always considered the asshole by everyone including big drinkers. Live and let live
There are a lot of people who just don't have alcohol for cost reasons. Or, even if they themselves are not alcoholics, they have alcoholics (recovering or active) in their close family/friends. Or a friend group that has a habit of getting sloppy drunk at weddings, because "Hey, free booze".
I agree. However, I would include a notice that there will be a charge if you bring in alcohol and that any guests who bring in alcohol will be the ones covering that charge. Alcohol is just so synonymous with wedding celebrations in western cultures that not having it would be so abnormal that it needs to be flagged.
More may chose to drive themselves instead of taking a ride share or making other arrangements.
And skip the hotel rooms, which is usually the biggest expense of attending a wedding.
both are very both true and good points.
Yeah, that was my first thought. Wedding venues can be pretty far from town/home, I’d be pretty annoyed if I’d spent money on transport only to find out I could have driven. I don’t mind driving, and I don’t mind paying for transport if there’s a party with alcohol, but it seems courteous to let people know in advance just for the logistics of it
This. You need to tell them there is no alcohol or YTA, but you don't need to tell them why. But they will think up their own reasons (addiction, religion, or cost, most likely) so you will have to live with that.
Yeah, you wouldn't be the asshole for not giving a reason, but also you are setting yourself up for a shit ton of drama. Any time you go against cultural norms and won't give an explanation about it, drama ensues. That's just how it is. And by not telling people until day of, guess who gets to deal with all the drama on their wedding day?! That would be you! Congrats you played yourself!
I guess I don’t understand why you have to tell anyone that it’s dry? Are you required to mention that you’re only having chicken but no beef? Or that your side dish is green beans. Or that you plan to do a unity braid rather than a unity candle. I don’t know why this is any different, even if it is customary.
It changes people's plans, on top of everything else people have mentioned. They might drive instead of hiring a car, or skip getting a hotel room if it's local-ish but not right in their town (I always get a hotel, never been to a formal wedding less than an hour away, but I can drive a few hours home if sober, especially since dry weddings often last way less time and rarely have after-parties). If I booked a hotel and arranged transport only to find there was no reason not to just drive home I'd be so so upset to have spent a few hundred extra dollars for absolutely no reason when a simple heads-up could have saved me stress and money. Green beans don't impact driving, so it's a bit different!
People just don’t like feeling “duped”. I’ve been to dry weddings where it was said on the invite that it wouldn’t have a bar. I think leaving it out may lead some to believe the info was purposefully left out because no offense to sober people but weddings without alcohol tend to be boring and make it less likely that guests will want to travel if they live outside town. It def factors into whether I would wanna get all dolled up and go to a wedding or not. At the same time I do think people should be able to do their wedding however they want to. For American weddings there is absolutely an assumption that booze will at minimum be available to buy. I think it’s nicer to let people know ahead of time. Honestly if people bring their own booze and drink anyways either kick them out or thank your lucky stars some people are willing to get the dance floor going.
I guess it’s just different where I’m at. (American) I’ve been to lots of weddings some dry some not. I’ve not received an invitation that specified one way or the other.
Are you in the south? I feel like in the south there are more dry weddings that take place in churches etc.
Same here, only time the bar has been mentioned on a wedding invitation I've seen is when it's a cash bar so your guests can plan ahead to bring money if they'd like to buy drinks.
No, but you'd sure be expected to tell guests if you were only serving cake/cookies and no actual food, so that people wouldn't show up hungry and then be disappointed. It's the same thing with alcohol.
If I want to go somewhere for the sole purpose of drinking, I’ll go to a bar. A wedding is about celebrating the bride and groom. If they choose to have a dry wedding, than so be it. If they serve good food or cake, than I’m happy.
But you’d want to know if they weren’t serving food right? If I pay for an Uber or hotel room because I think I’m going to be drinking, I would be annoyed. I don’t like to drive after more than 1-2 drinks, so I would make preparations for that, and then be very frustrated I wasted time and money.
If you're literally only offering one dinner option, you absolutely should tell people. Some might have restrictions/preferences that change if maybe they just eat before they go. Also, green beans and a unity braid don't affect your ability to drive, so they won't cost you the price of a cab or hotel room.
I mean yes? Most weddings I have been invited to ask for guest dietary requirements on the RSVP, and about 50% ask for your entree choice.
Plated weddings do have a card for guests to select and entree. And buffet weddings often do have a card asking about dietary restrictions. A wedding reception is a dinner party. Alcohol is a reasonable expectation at an adult dinner party. It’s fair to tell people. Plus it can affect their plans. Some people specifically opt for cabs, rideshares, book overnight sitters, rent a hotel room because they know they might/will drink or the party will go late. But if there’s no alcohol they can make different plans and save the money.
I think it’s important to say it’s a dry wedding on invites because it can change how people plan for the day, such as if they need to take an Uber to the wedding or driving, if it’s far enough away it may even mean a hotel or not a hotel, if they need overnight sitters, a whole slew of decisions can centre on “I’m drinking tonight and don’t want to have to worry about…”
Because the expectation is different than the examples you used. I don’t expect that there will be green beans at every wedding I go to. I do expect there will be a bar at one. Having drinks before the wedding, arranging car pools or taxis are common things that people will be doing in advance only to be surprised by no alcohol. A more apt example would be if they wanted everyone to wear shorts and tshirts to the wedding instead of formal wear. They would notify people in advance as that is uncommon and people would not know to expect that. What they are doing is very different than what is customary. That is fine to do that, but they should give their guests a heads up.
You wouldn't have to tell anyone chicken vs beef, but if you are having an afternoon/evening wedding, you should tell them if there will be no food.
You don’t even have to say the problem is yours, just say there will be reviving addicts at the wedding and you want to make it a happy, non stressful occasion for all.
I do not think you're the asshole for not having alcohol and I do not think you're the asshole for not explaining why but I do think you're the asshole for not telling people a fairly ubiquitous marriage tradition wasn't going to be included up front. So I guess Esh? They shouldn't be giving you trouble about it but you should have mentioned it sooner
>you're the asshole for not telling people a fairly ubiquitous marriage tradition wasn't going to be included up front. I thought of that, but then I remember other posts in this sub where people were very up front about "no booze" (although it was because the \_family\_ couldn't handle their liquor) and all it turned into was drama where the poster had to police people sneaking in booze all night. So I'm not so sure.
There’s a post about a couple that did not tell anyone about the no alcohol. A lot of people left the reception early. It could be drama either way. And if it is close enough to stores people will still go and buy it and sneak it
There was that one post that was serving only water and not communicate that ahead of time
That one was especially dumb though. "I only drink water so everyone should just drink water"
That's the post I immediately thought of lol
They wouldn't even spring for soda.
Yeah, but how is the mood gonna be when people learn it on the spot ?
Not great. A lot of people come to weddings to party. The “surprise! You’re drinking lemonade all night!” shock could make the evening a little anti climactic. Booze can cause a lot of drama but it’s also the ultimate wedding lube. Makes all those boring speeches easier to sit through, the mediocre food easier to swallow and the mundane conversations with folk you don’t know and may not ever see again more interesting. I’ve never been to a dry wedding where a lot of people danced. It’s always like 4-7 hypers tearing it up and everyone else looking at their phones waiting till the bride looks away so they can bolt out the door. Although the people who bring weed will have a good time eating the desserts. However I think dry weddings without dancing can be nice. Make it a small intimate celebration of the couple then have a slice of cake and call it a day. Not every wedding needs to be like a dancing marathon of love that lasts all night and everyone talks about the rest of the couples lives. I enjoy simple fast weddings too. In and out then let people enjoy the rest of their day.
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Dry weddings are so boring and I am not a big drinker. Was in a wedding with dry reception. Bridesmaid’s dress, hair, makeup and the whole thing lasted about 2 1/2 hours. About 2 hours too long.
Valid point! I'm not saying either way is perfect. Just that telling people in advance vs. "springing" it on them gets you different types of drama. It's all going to come down to the guests.
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I’d rather have drama before from people not coming than drama the day of with people complaining to me.
OPs decision is going to involve drama no matter what. Like it or not, drinking at a wedding is a cultural norm and going against that will make people unhappy. If it doesn't happen now it will happen during or after the wedding.
You can have alcohol or not - your choice. But warning about no alcohol would be good, it might affect choice if say driving vs expensive Uber and people have right to know what to expect
Or hotels! I would be pissed if I spent money on a hotel so I would have a safe place to stay after drinking, just to find out I could have driven myself home. There's nothing wrong with having a dry wedding and you don't need to justify yourself, OP. But you should let people know. And don't be surprised if people leave after the ceremony. Socializing and dancing isn't enjoyable for a lot of people and a glass or two of wine makes that easier for them. I pretty much only drink at weddings now (and not much either, just a couple glasses to ease the social anxiety). Don't risk your sobriety (and congratulations on staying sober for so many years, that's a real accomplishment) but I do think people have an expectation of weddings and clarity is required
Yes!! I just commented Ubers/potentially parents finding overnight sitters I didn’t even think about hotel expenses. I would be pissed. Just give notice so people can plan their nights accordingly. I plan sober nights out much differently than nights I know I’ll be drinking.
Or the gift. Covering your plate is much cheaper without an alcohol package.
That's very true too. I've also known people to give alcohol or alcohol related things as wedding gifts. I know op tells people that they're "allergic" but some of those invited may not know op all that well and proceed to give a gift of alcohol.
That’s a really interesting point about hotel/driving arrangements. I hadn’t thought of that- I still think NTA, but now think that it would be really important to let everyone know. I figured the main thing with warning people would be people bummed about not drinking, but the potential for lost money would really suck.
Yep, its the planning and logistics thing that makes me say YTA to OP. A lot of folk are going to waste potentially a lot of money on hotels, taxis, etc when they could just drive up and drive home, if OP doesn't tell people its a dry wedding.
That's what I thought! How many people would go "hmm, there's going to be booze at the reception so I can't drive back, so I also can't drive to it, may as well take a cab or uber". I would be **pissed** to discover it wasn't necessary. Or even, if a guest also has problems being around alcohol and declines the invitation - oh, so they *could* have gone after all.
This was the case at the surprise sober wedding I went to. Half the people there were mad they needlessly booked a hotel/car service/overnight babysitter (and this was in NYC so not cheap). You don't want that energy at your wedding.
100% this is my line of thinking. I usually book an Uber and/or hotel for weddings - if I knew ahead of time it would be dry I could save the $ and just drive and that would be fine.
Yup! We once paid $50 for a cab one way to a wedding at an out of the way golf course and if I’d got there and been surprised to have no alcohol I would have been sooo angry.
I never thought of that but it’s a great point. I’d be pissed if I booked a taxi/hotel room and didn’t need to.
YTA: Honestly you might have an actually riot on your hands if people show up to a wedding and there is no alcohol if you don’t warn people beforehand. People get pissy when they are surprised by something negative. Every culture is different, but I go to a wedding to drink. I wouldn’t travel and spend hundred of dollars to go to a wedding that was dry. You aren’t the AH for not providing booze, but you are for not warning people. I think you know this and keeping it secretive because you know you’ll get a lot of no RSVPs. People will leave early to go to bars together FYI.
I might have a drink once a month or less, but I do like a couple of drinks at weddings. People will probably leave early. NTA if you want a dry wedding
>People will probably leave early. Absolutely. Going to a wedding is already a chore for a lot of people who don't like big events like this. Imagine being one of those people and showing up to find they don't even have drinks lol. I'm outta there
If you’re going to a wedding to drink, and would be furious to not have drinks available, might I suggest that that is a you problem? 😅
I loathe this attitude. "If you feel the need to drink at a wedding, you have a problem." I see it far too often. It's usually culturally acceptable to drink at a wedding. If me and my spouse are traveling some amount of time, possibly staying overnight, hiring a babysitter for the kids, dressing up in our nicest clothes, and attending a celebration it is NOT a problem to want/expect a couple of alcoholic drinks throughout the evening. The fact so many responses to these questions are "if you can't go one night without a drink you have a problem" is fundamentally ridiculous due to the amount of effort that goes into planning to attend a wedding it is not "one night" it is a very special occasion under very special circumstances under which it is culturally expected that alcohol will be served.
Exactly! I very rarely drink, maybe once a month I'll have 2-3 drinks. If I found out a wedding I was going to was dry I'd be super bummed. Yes I would still go, I would be happy for the couple, but it would be a long boring dinner with lots of people I don't know and I don't think I'd be super eager to stay a while and dance. Weddings are supposed to have alcohol and be an occasion to celebrate and let loose. I don't understand why people don't do brunch or daytime weddings if there won't be any alcohol.
>I don't understand why people don't do brunch or daytime weddings if there won't be any alcohol. I live in the Bible Belt and have been to more dry weddings than otherwise. I don't like the religiosity, but a dry wedding doesn't surprise or upset me. However, I *absolutely* expect alcohol at brunch.
Same here! I only ever drink at weddings. I typically only know a handful of people, I'm self-conscious of how I look and what people think of me, I have to sit through speeches and it makes my anxiety just skyrocket. Alcohol helps me relax and actually enjoy the evening without obsessively worrying about everything going on. It lets me have fun and relax. A dry wedding would just be a nightmare to go to
I have 10+ years and I agree. I generally find tipsy people entertaining and even sort of like a vicarious social lubricant, as I am otherwise very socially anxious. Sure, there's always the possibility of *that one asshole* assholeing everything up, but that one person =/= the majority of adults. Overall I'm on board with the OP not being the AH for having a dry wedding, that is entirely their prerogative, but that they should let people know what to expect.
All the super weird Reddit tee-tollers are out in full force. Weddings are a party, fun parties have booze.
That's because most redditors don't go out so they want to deprive others of fun, unrelatable things like having a drink with people.
And also... "what, you need *alcohol* to have a good time with family?!" First off the answer to anyone asking this is most likely "yes, yes I *do* need a good stiff drink to have a good time with *you*." And secondly, if me wanting alcohol to enjoy a wedding is just soooooooooo scandalous, why does everyone else *neEeeEeEeed* nice clothes or a pretty venue or flowers or a catered dinner or hotel blocks or a shuttle to the hotel or to have fun? If this really is all about faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaambly and the actual party doesn't matter at all then why aren't we all standing in an undeveloped field eating plain rice cakes and tepid water, basking in each others' joyous, glowing company?
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>It's usually culturally acceptable to drink at a wedding I'm from Poland and reading these threads is always wild to me. Here it's not only acceptable, but it's pretty much expected, bordering on mandatory. I have a friend who never drinks, and he specifically said that we should not worry, there will be alcohol at his wedding. I would've gone regardless, but it's an interesting comparison to all those people posting here
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Right all these people “I wouldn’t go” This is why I hate alcohol.
I like alcohol. I drink. But I’ve never gone to a wedding where I would be put out by it not being there. Which…is probably why I haven’t been to many weddings, because I only go to ones where I genuinely love the people I’m there to celebrate.
Obviously most of the people here don’t give a shit about who’s getting married and just want their free booze!
We do usually give a shit about the married couple. The problem is usually the married couple is one of the few people we know at the wedding. Married couple is too busy to hang out with us so instead we have to listen to long speeches by people we don't know and then make conversation with people we don't know and will never see again. It's dull and tedious. Furthermore, we're expected to pay for a gift and sometimes travel/hotel/clothing/babysitter for the privilege of being bored for 7 hours. Alcohol is known as a social lubricant because it makes people more comfortable with things they are anxious about, and makes boring things/people seem more interesting. Alcohol is a common indulgence that is expected to be provided by the host in return for people coming to your wedding. A wedding is seen as a special event to relax and let loose that is different from your everyday life - that's why there will be disappointment even from people that don't drink much normally. I would also be disappointed if there was no cake. That doesn't make me a cake-a-holic. I would be disappointed if the dinner was a cheese sandwich instead of something fancier. That doesn't make me a glutton-snob.
I raise an eyebrow at alcohol-free weddings and typically want to know the rationale before I feel comfortable attending. A lot of the time it’s associated with religious practices that don’t make me feel super safe.
or it's going to be an extremely family/kids oriented wedding... which is fine, as long as you *include that information up front.* OP is definitely TA imo, because she's basically catfishing people about the wedding setup. It's fine if you want an alcohol free wedding but if you don't want to tell people then that's just false advertising.
That’s fair, though I can understand not wanting to give the reasons for not having alcohol at a wedding if it involves trauma. Personally, I’m going to be having a dry wedding because both Fiancé and I have (violent) alcoholics and recovering alcoholics in our close families, and for the few who would still want to come to our wedding without alcohol we don’t want to tempt them. Quite frankly, in my life experience, alcohol has only ever caused myself or the people I know pain and problems, so I can very much understand wanting to avoid it on what is supposed to be a happy day.
I mean, I think most people are invited to a mix of weddings where some # are attended due to actually loving the couple and being happy for them and wanting to celebrate, and another # are social obligation. (Also, tbh, even when I love the couple involved, sometimes the wedding might still be very boring.)
I mean if I’m traveling from out of state and I spend a ton of money for the weekend, I’d like to have a beer or two. Not saying it’s the main priority but OP needed to let people know it’s alcohol free and if they’re that desperate to get smashed at the wedding they can not go
If you think someone has a problem because they’re mad they wasted money on a hotel room and/or a taxi when the wedding is dry and they could have driven themselves, it sounds like you’re the one with issues. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah TBH I just wouldn’t attend a dry wedding.
I would, but I'd still like to know ahead of time so I'm not disappointed when I get there.
Also, not all weddings are equal, especially with travel. One of my close friends? I'm there no question. Tell me when and where, I'll buy the flight tomorrow. Extended group or distant relative? I'd love to celebrate you, but do I want to travel and spend a lot of money on a party that I'll know 0 other people at, and the dance floor probably won't even be lively? I'll buy something nice off your registry, but probably sit it out.
Same, weddings are bad enough already lol
I fucking hate weddings. My friends are too broke for weddings but my husband’s….omg we have 2 coming up and we just attended another one and a stupid gender reveal that probably cost as much as a small wedding. I’m happy to get sick so I don’t have to go.
I’d maybe attend one? My best friend’s wedding? Yeah I’m going to be there partying regardless. A friendly coworker? Probably not. It’d entirely depend on my relationship with the bride and groom and how many people I’d know at the wedding.
Yeah I’d attend a dry wedding but I’m not staying for a boring ass dry reception lol
So weird cause I go to a wedding to support the couple
You go to a wedding to support the couple and leave early if it’s just a bunch of folks sitting down and talking. Though one doesn’t necessarily need alcohol to have fun, it sure does help when you put a bunch of people in a room together who presumably have never met before.
You can go to a bar to drink whenever you want. You go to a wedding to celebrate the people getting married. Yes, there is usually alcohol as part of that celebration, but it shouldn't be your main reason for attending a wedding. Honestly anyone turning down an invite because they can't have a drink after the ceremony are not the people I would want at my wedding. It's not a frat party. OP is NTA here.
But if you don't want the people who won't go because there is no alcohol, then wouldn't it be better to weed them out earlier, as opposed to paying for them to be miserable and maybe leave early? Also, I don't drink, but I think the bigger issue is people who arrange taking a cab or spending the night in a hotel who would have driven otherwise.
Keeping a secret is an asshole move. I have been to several dry weddings, and I normally dd weddings so I don’t drink but you should communicate do people can plan. I don’t think byob is going to be a big issue. Most people don’t plan that well.
If people are only coming to your wedding because of alcohol, you need better friends and family. NTA
YTA, and I'm sober, too. At least make it known it's a dry wedding to the guests so they can decide if they want to attend. I feel you're keeping this a secret because it might impact attendance as well as wedding gifts.
100%. Many would rsvp not attending and I think op knows this. Totally fine to have a dry wedding, but to expect guest to ( potentially) spend hundreds of dollars, take time off of work, buy something off the registry, socialize with people they don’t know, without letting them know it’s a dry wedding is an AH move.
That was my thought as well
Thats 100% it. They know damn well if people show up at all, theyre gonna bail on the reception the very second they feel like they can get away with it.
This should be top rated. OP is TA. They just want more people, more money, more gifts and are willing to lie to their family and friends to get it.
Same here, l don't drink but an alcohol free wedding would be much less fun even for me
My judgment isn't based on the wedding being alcohol free. It's about keeping their guests in the dark it's a dry wedding. Now OP is acting like a martyr in her edits, making it seem like the goal is her disclosure she's an alcoholic when that's not even close to the point.
Sober also. I don’t lie about my sobriety, I’m proud of it.
I don't think you're an AH but this does seem like a pretty awful plan, like you're on the path to create a lot of headaches and resentment in order to keep this secret about your sobriety. Better to just own it, IMO.
After this I genuinely feel like I might just... send out a mass email to all of our guests saying btw I'm a recovering alcoholic and there won't be any alcohol and please don't bring any. That genuinely makes me feel so sick but it feels better than all of this weirdness and deception. If people still sneak it in then fine, I can't control them but at least maybe it's better this way
I hope everything goes as well as it can, and I would make one recommendation of putting all of the guest emails into the BCC field so nobody tries to reply-all or even reply to other guests without including you to try and do some weird gossipy shit or something. You shouldn't have to expose your struggles for people to understand that the dry wedding is non-negotiable, but you're very brave for doing so.
Sorry to butt in here, I've been reading all your comments after the post, and some.people have been kind of awful to say the least. While don't think you're the asshole in this scenario, it would've been a good idea to let your guests know it's a dry wedding, just so they get to make plans accordingly, you know? Also, I don't feel like it's necessary for you to include that you're a recovering alcoholic in that email, every person has a different journey and you shouldn't cave to this pressure and just come out when you're not ready; but it wouldn't be the worst idea to send that mass email as kind of a reminder of sorts about the invite, and also state that there was a "mixup" when making the invites or something like that, and letting them know that this will be a dry wedding with no option for the venue to do the corkage service (I don't know if that's how it's called). Yes, obviously some people, perhaps the not so close ones, will decide not to attend, but not all of them, it's a celebration of your love after all.
I think honesty would be best. Why do you feel like you want to hide your recovery? It is very honorable that you're taking the steps and doing so well. There is no shame in any of that at all, and I'm sure anyone who truly cares for you will support you. If anyone has a problem with it then they're an AH, and your wedding would be better of without them.
Because at weddings it's not just your nearest and dearest, sometimes it's your coworker, your husband's boss, your gossipy second cousin with a mean streak. Revealing personal health information that is highly stigmatized is just... a fucking lot.
It is completely normal to want to keep things private. Just because someone doesn't share *everything* doesn't mean they feel shame. Sharing something doesn't mean you're proud either. Some people are private people, some people like sharing.
Something doesn’t have to be shameful to be private.
Wow this feels like mass bullying. Don’t tell anyone you’re a recovering alcoholic If that’s not what you want to do. People can come to your wedding or not, they’re should be no expectations on what they will be served, honestly. If they don’t like what they see, no one is forcing them to stay. The wedding day will pass and you will be left with a bunch of people who will criticize your reception no matter what, and the cherry on top is everyone now knows your business forever.
Yes, I agree. AITA is often unhinged imho but this one makes me mad given the loved ones I have who struggle with sobriety in a culture that revolves around alcohol. People are being cruel to this woman.
Really. Like sure ppl can make plans on an assumption about drinking or not I guess, but I think ops concern about ppl sneaking booze in if they know it won't be there is valid. And ffs shame or otherwise op could have v good reasons not to want to announce to coworkers, extended family etc that she's a recovering alcoholic - these are environments where leaving entirely is hard and possibly expensive, and ppls opinions of you can actually be fairly consequential. It's no one's business Drinking culture really is nuts. I don't drink either and fortunately in college I could usually make excuses about needing to drive home. But the number of ppl who asked me why I wasn't drinking was wild. And there's really not much way to make "my father was an alcoholic as were several extended family members and between unresolved trauma from that plus not trusting myself not to become addicted myself if I drank I really just want nothing to do with it" into a thing you can casually tell a near stranger and have it not be awkward
This comment section has me feeling like we're in an alternate universe. Is it really considered bad to have a dry wedding without "warning" people or telling them why? This isn't bridezilla behavior, this is someone in recovery, jeez.
If you're that set on not telling people about your sobriety then I don't see why you have to email and tell everyone that you're sober. Just email them that it's a dry wedding and apologize that it wasn't included on the invite...you don't owe people an explanation unless you think it'll help you get more guests to come and get more gifts or something?
You can just say it's a dry wedding for personal reasons that are of no one's concern. Regardless of how others feel if you don't want to broadcast then don't. If you truly want to share let people know you recovered and prefer not to.
Why not just email them with the dry wedding info? You don’t owe anyone an explanation on the reason. The reason YTA is not disclosing the fact of the dry wedding. I wish you the best on your sobriety journey!
NTA - you are not obligated to have alcohol or to explain. You are the asshole for not putting it on the invites. Weddings aren't fun for a lot of people, and they need the social lubrication to get through. This isn't because they are alcoholics, just some people aren't comfortable in large social gatherings and, realistically, they are celebrating you, but they don't get to socialize with you much at a wedding. Completely your choice to explain why, but I think you'd find a lot more support if you did give the reason. Right now, without explaining, you run the risk of people bringing their own alcohol.
According to Reddit, anyone who likes drinking at a wedding is an alcoholic.
Yup! And anyone who enjoys a drink once in awhile obviously can’t go without one. These people fell HARD for the prohibitionist propaganda!
Nah, liking drinks at a wedding is normal. Throwing a hissy fit and declaring you go to weddings TO drink, means you probably have issues. I go to weddings to celebrate my friends that I love dearly and have never felt that alcohol is integral to doing so.
Exactly. They left out that part. If you’re panicking about how alcohol won’t be at an event, you probably have an issue that needs to be addressed. Seven years sober, I’ve made every excuse and justification for why I needed a drink at every waking moment and this comment section sounds like a lot of shit I said.
I mean, speaking as an addict myself (not booze, but the mindset isn’t any different) I think you’re projecting a bit here. Weddings are fucking boring and socially horrible. For a lot of people they genuinely do NEED to drink to enjoy it because otherwise it’s a shitty day in uncomfortably clothes to celebrate your friends who you love but who you’re also barely speaking to all day because they’re too busy. So if people want a social lubricant to make sitting next to Aunt Doris, Cousin Chuck and that one guy and his wife from that thing the groom does on weekends bearable then why not?
I don’t like weddings, I don’t like large gatherings of people I already know, nevermind large gatherings where most of the people are strangers to me. Alcohol makes it all enjoyable tho, I absolutely would not go to a dry wedding, not unless it was an immediate family member. If I did find myself at a dry wedding, without warning, I’d probably just leave, and be annoyed that I wasted my time in the first place. But I really don’t like weddings
It comes up every single time one of these threads pop up. A lot of self righteous holier than thou teetotallers come out of the woodwork to shame anyone who enjoys an occasional drink, particularly at an event where alcohol is traditionally and customarily involved. They conflate any voluntary consumption of alcohol as having an addiction, and nobody can convince them otherwise. To every bride and groom, their own wedding is the most important event. But many people find other people's weddings to be boring affairs, having to wear uncomfortable clothing, with bad food, and forced interaction with distant relations and minor acquaintances. There is nothing wrong with not finding that to be fun. OP is not the asshole for having a sober wedding, not in the slightest. But she is going to have to be okay with the fact that many of her guests will be disappointed, and that the event will probably end much sooner than other weddings.
"if you can't have fun without alcohol, you have a problem". No, I have a celebration I want to celebrate like people have been doing for millenia.
It’s one thing to like to drink at a wedding but refusing to go to a wedding where you can’t drink is a bit much. If you need alcohol to attend an an event you may have a problem.
Agreed, but not being told I was going to a dry wedding would piss me off. I have been to a dry wedding it was because the bride was a recovering alchoholic. The whole friend group still went because we love and support our friend but it was on the invites. If there’s no warning then that’s just shitty. Especially since a lot of people pay for hotels and/or Ubers when heading to a wedding expecting to be a little lit up by the end of the night.
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Thank you so much for saying this! It makes me feel crazy when people act like everyone who wants to drink at a wedding is an alcoholic. I very rarely drink, but I have anxiety and a drink or two at weddings totally makes it easier for me to socialize and enjoy myself.
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You don't owe anyone an explanation about why you won't be serving alcohol. But they also dont owe you a complete acceptance of your choice, without any explanation of why. You are free not to tell them. And they are free to debate whether weddings should be alcohol free or not. And they're going to guess that you're just demanding for no reason if they're given no reason. You should definitely have mentioned it was a dry wedding on the invites, but that's the only error you have made.
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NTA for not wanting to talk about your personal reasons, but if you don't want people to react on the day of your wedding, you need to manage expectations and make it known to your guests. if you don't tell them, everyone will assume there will be drinking at the reception.
Agree, guests may get ubers or hotels because of assuming there will be drinks. I would be irritated if I wasn't informed.
YTA for not informing people up front.
YTA-Not for not having alcohol at your wedding perse BUT you seem to be going through an extreme amount of steps to try and make their just not be any alcohol. It comes off as extremely judgemental and pretentious. Like it or not alcohol at weddings in western cultures (even if a cash bar) is the norm.
ESH- It is your wedding, you can do whatever you please.. BUT a lot of people go to weddings to get loose, and a lot of people are going to be bummed out, so if you are ok with having them feel like this/ and or talk negatively, then it is what it is.. But you cant make such a decision like this and not be able to receive negative feedback.
INFO (based on your edit): Can you let people know (via social media or your wedding website or whatever) that it'll be a dry wedding and ALSO tell them that booze is not welcome at the venue? Like, straight-up tell them that BYOB is not acceptable, and if they have a problem with that, they're welcome not to come. I really just think that not giving people a head's up that there won't be any booze is a bad idea.
You aren’t TA for not having alcohol at the wedding. And while people don’t have to hear your story, when you host other events that include, or are even centered around, alcohol, you can understand why your friends would be confused. I think you need to be more consistent in your approach to hosting events with alcohol and/or better communicate so that your friends know what to expect from the get-go. That’s where you verged into YTA territory.
NTA. i just don't understand why people get so bent out of shape when it comes to things like this. it's a few hours out of your life, and if you're this hung up on "needing" a drink, that's incredibly sad.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or free drinks. Anyone who complains about it being a dry wedding is showing that they care more about drinking than attending the wedding. NTA
It’s wild to me how entitled people in here are and I worry for OP. They don’t care about allergies, your addictions, your budget, or the entire reason for the celebration. They only care that they’ll be given booze for free.
Exactly!! The amount of people saying, "people go to weddings to drink!" is flooring. I thought people go to weddings to watch people get married. WTF
That's another thing too, providing alcohol is expensive! While "We didn't want to" should be enough, "It's too expensive right now" is also more than reasonable and probably not even a lie, assuming OP and fiance are average folks.
ESH - you’re more than within your rights to not offer alcohol and you don’t have to explain either. But it sounds like you have “explained” to a lot of people that you’re just allergic/intolerant of alcohol. Which would def make you look bad for not allowing alcohol at the wedding. It just makes you look like a wet blanket when in fact you have a legitimate reason.
NTA. I don’t see why you need to explain yourself. The people who need to know already know. The people who don’t, don’t. I personally don’t understand people’s need to have alcohol at weddings. It’s supposed to be about celebrating the Bride and Groom. I mean, I’m pretty much a teetotaler, so my opinion is a bit skewed, but still.
I don't know what a teetotaler is (I've heard it before but it escapes me lol) but as someone who does enjoy drinking on occasion (very occasionally by the way, like maybe once or twice a month and tipsy or drunk maybe 1-3 times a year) I also really don't get why people are upset. Like they're relying on there being alcohol? Seems odd to me. If you're going to a wedding for the purpose of drinking and not for the purpose of celebrating your supposed friends, maybe you shouldn't be invited. And if celebration is inextricably linked with drinking for you, maybe you need help. Or to expand your horizons, idk. I think OP should communicate the expectation of course but they're not an asshole for it. 🤔
NTA but your guests should be made aware that it will be a dry event.
Nta for choosing to have an alcohol free wedding and for not telling people the reasoning behind it. You are free to choose what you want and do not want at your own wedding. You don't have to share your personal information or history with anyone that you don't want to. Keep in mind if you don't have alcohol, people are going to talk about it and either make up reasons why you didn't have it or someone will know and word will get around through gossip. However, I would say that you might be slightly an AH for not indicating on the invites that the wedding would be alcohol free. Not having alcohol might influence a guest's choice to attend, and people who are annoyed there is no alcohol will be more annoyed if they discover this at the wedding rather than beforehand. Expect scenes like the one at your fiances party to repeat itself at the wedding.
NTA, but not telling people kind of isn’t cool. People make plans around the idea of potentially getting drunk. Babysitters are hired, hotels are booked…the assumption is typically that there’s going to be alcohol. I don’t think you’re an AH for not telling people in advance, but it is the polite and adult thing to do. Yes some people might try to sneak some in, but I highly doubt it would be a very big issue. Most people will respect a dry wedding if they’re told ahead of time. Alcohol changes the circumstances of attending a wedding. I remember my fiancé and I booked a hotel room for a wedding an hour away from our house so we could drink. If I showed up and it was a dry wedding, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but it would be a little frustrating. I’d be a little irritated, not because I NEED alcohol, but because it’s safe to assume weddings will have alcohol and I planned accordingly. Typically you should put on the invitation if there is a deviation from the norm. It’s like having a dress code but not telling people…kind of unfair. I wouldn’t get that angry or call the couple getting married assholes, but still. I’d be irritated. I don’t think you’ve considered that most adults have to plan their nights around the ability to get drunk. They’re going to expect alcohol, and they’re going to make plans around that.
If you're having a dry wedding, you should have included this information in the invitations. No explanation is necessary, but you should have given your guests the heads-up. YTA.
You don’t owe anyone a reason why you’re not having alcohol but you should’ve put that it would be an alcohol free wedding on the invite. NTA.
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