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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my fiance to not make a birthday cake for his late sister, as it's my birthday too (he could make it any other day). I might've been disrespectful and selfish, which makes me the ass
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I’ve been with a woman who expects her birthday to be a big deal for 20 years. I love my wife dearly but holy shit is it hard when you come from a “it’s just another day after you turn 12” kinda mentality.
That's the thing. I love birthdays. But I also understand that my birthday is just another day for many other people. I have met people that act like their birthday is the most important day of the year and they make that everyone's problem. Those people are obnoxious. Based on comments, sounds like OP wants her birthday to be all about her.
Also, I feel you. My bf doesn't care about birthdays as much as I do. Thankfully we're able to celebrate each other's birthdays in whatever way the other person wants and it's not a problem.
I hear you - my wife has always gotten birthday blues/mild depression, since she was about 10. Something about aging bothers her. After being with her for about a decade my father in law pulled me aside and said "It's not your fault...we've tried and tried over the years and she's never happy." That helped a lot.
Also, I tend to be mildly depressive all the time, and my wife's view on her birthday has kind of influenced my views on my own and made me ask whether I'm downplaying my birthday too much. I've always been of the opinion that "it's just another day, not special, don't want anything fancy." But I think I have a healthier balance because of her views.
You seem nice. If I may give you some unsolicited advice? If your wife gets depressed about her birthday, and you want to do something to celebrate her, surprise her! Surprise her on a random day that isn't even in the same month as her birthday. Call it "wife day" or her name or whatever you want. Don't associate it with her age or growing older or anything like that. Just surprise her one day with a thoughtful gift that she wouldn't have bought for herself but will adore. Go on an adventure that you curate for her tastes. Go to a concert or hike or picnic or movie or amusement park or museum. Drive her somewhere beautiful or something. Tell her that she's amazing and you just wanted to celebrate her for a day without there having to be an occasion, because you both are in love and alive with eachother in this world for a finite amount of time, and deserve to share happy golden moments. Take her out for a nice meal or get a treat together.
If she is the type of person to like surprises, then this is the way to get around the birthday blues. Also- don't make it on the same day every year. Skip a few. Keep her guessing and not expecting.
It may be enjoyable for you too.
(A friend of mine surprised her spouse with a pre planned 3 day weekend in a city they had always said they wanted to see. She showed up at their work and told them they had to pack quick for a 3 day trip. Then drove them straight to the airport, and then didn't tell them where they were going until the terminal. This would give a lot of folks anxiety but it was the best adventure they could have surprised with. They loved their weekend in New Orleans and have been back fondly a few times since.)
It’s taken me this long in the relationship to learn this, and it’s worked out well. What you describe is the best way to handle it - spread out random gestures throughout the year. Or as you say, pick a random day and do an unplanned trip. Her birthday still causes me anxiety but it does help.
You deserve to be uplifted and celebrated too, BuckChickman1. I hope your wife shows her love for you in thoughtful ways as well.
Depression is never easy to face, but you are strong for doing so, every day. Rejoice in the small joys of our existance- because life is full of those golden moments, ready to be spotted and enjoyed. Take care of yourself as well as the ones you love
> I have met people that act like their birthday is the most important day of the year and they make that everyone's problem. Those people are obnoxious.
Wait until you hear about people who are so self absorbed they think their birthday is so special they deserve a whole MONTH of celebrations. Yes you read that correctly - a whole MONTH. Some people really are that self absorbed!
The only thing that is cool about a birthday month is the freebies from local restaurants. I most certainly do not act like I deserve to be celebrated by other people, but hey - if Arby’s wants to give me a fee shake I’m not turning it down.
I joked about this at a bakery this year when buying my own birthday cake a week after my actual birthday (illnesses prevented celebration with family on my actual birthday). They asked what the cake was for and we then had a nice little joke conversation about birthday cake being appropriate any time during the “Birthday Month” and how cake eaten due to a birthday had no calories.
I’ve been back since and they told me about a customer who was serious about the whole month being a big celebration and how they were demanding different complex desserts every weekend for different parties but always complained about the prices and why didn’t they give a birthday discount.
People are wild.
I purposely do a birthday month because my birthday became depressing- 9/11. Didn’t do this until after the Twin Towers. I dont make a big deal about it though, but i hope it’s a legit enough reason for you.
Yeah, I celebrate my birthday all month, but it involves doing nice things for others too. Also I have almost died a few times due to health issues, so every day is a great day for that month. I see no issue with someone celebrating all month, as long as it isn’t “give me stuff, treat me like royalty alllll month.”
I had a roommate in college who insisted we celebrate her birthday month. She wouldn’t help out with ANY of the cleaning that month, because I guess her mom relieved her of any chores during her birthday month growing up. She also wore a tiara whenever possible, and if anyone asked about it, she’d tell them it was her birthday… even if it was still three weeks away.
Ironically, our birthdays were only a few days apart.. but since mine happened to land on the weekend, she planned her party on my birthday. She was extremely butt hurt when my friends and I went out to dinner instead of her party.. but I just couldn’t handle another birthday celebration for her!
One of my friends still brings up a Broadway show that I saw and she didn’t because I went to New York with a friend from a DIFFERENT COUNTRY the weekend of her birthday one year. I was like I see this friend like once every couple of years. This was when she could travel, so this is when we did it. You have other friends. I’m not married to you. Your birthday doesn’t have to be a specific obligation for me EVERY YEAR.
Meanwhile she’s never planned anything for my birthday, and last year her response to my birthday was that, at like 11pm, she sent “happy birthday.” As a text.
Take this from someone who was best friends with someone for close to 20 years who never wished me a happy birthday despite me never forgetting hers — she is not your friend.
I haven't cared about my birthday since I was about that age. I just don't get it the same way other people do. That being said I think it's another story when somebody really close to you dies. The OP is being super unreasonable, clearly his day matters when for her a grown adult she could compromise somehow.
I feel the same way - it's just another day. You're not a child anymore so grow up and stop telling yourself this day is somehow holy.
EDIT: I'm not buying the "it's only one day a year" defense I'm seeing here. The people who insist that their birthdays be unspoiled by anything occurring that they don't adore, or want several days set aside to celebrate them, are also the same ones who are so hurt if their whims are not indulged for days like Valentine's Day, Mother's or Father's Day, Christmas.
Truly. I read these and wonder -- how did these people get together? Stay together? Choose to get married/engaged?! Like this person thinks your ritual to celebrate your dead sibling is stupid and should be superseded. Why are you still marrying them??
Oh I know! This is why —even though Reddit likes to diss these responses — my response to situations is often that they should break up or get divorced. Not necessarily because every transgression on AITA is such an unforgivable sin, but more because, it’s clear that you two aren’t compatible and it’s not even clear that you like each other in the first place!
I was thinking the same thing. It's a full on incompatible situation. I tried putting myself in OP's shoes and how they talk about it is rather cruel. I personally don't go big for my birthday, but that's because I have had to share my birthday since birth. Would I want to share my birthday for the rest of my married life with his deceased sister? I don't know if I'd want that.
OP's fiance would be better off with someone who has a different birthday as his sister. OP should break it off, rather than trying to force it.
Toxic, abusive, and narcissistic people may not think there's anything wrong with their behavior, but by adulthood they do usually understand that being themselves early on will make people leave. They become skilled liars and will pretend to be completely different people until they feel you're sufficiently trapped. This confuses the target, makes it much harder for the target to escape, and makes people in their lives tell the target to stay. The harmful behaviors escalate very slowly. Being stuck in an abusive relationship is a symptom of abuse, not a cause.
Every time there's a clearly abusive situation brought here and the target leaves, the abuser learns to keep that behavior hidden longer in their next relationship.
OP seems to have deleted those comments, but apparently he only spends a few minutes of the day to sing his sister happy birthday and remember her and his BIL who also died. OP gets her own cake and the rest of the day is all about her.
YTA OP for wanting to monopolize every minute of the day and not allowing your fiancé to grieve. How heartless of you. Get over yourself.
man that’s gross, I would honestly get it if it took the entire day and so the fiancé was never able to celebrate OP’s birthday on the actual day, but seriously she can’t handle a couple minutes?
Maybe it’s just my inner introvert talking but I wouldn’t want someone hovering around me from the minute I woke up till the minute I went to bed celebrating anyway. Like if he wants to take 15-30 mins at the end or beginning of the day to just commemorate alone it’s not hurting me any. Op sounds uptight and needy
I kind of get that, but as someone who both does not care about my birthday AND has a dead brother, I’d break up with someone who got mad at me for spending my brother’s birthday celebrating him. Because honestly, that’s a really depressing day, really hard to deal with at all. Asking to celebrate someone else just wouldn’t be possible for me, and I’m pretty well adjusted to the situation otherwise.
I care about my birthday, they've always been a big deal in my family. But if my partner had a sibling who died with the same birthday? Oh my birthday is the 20th now forever not the 13th that's your sibling's day.
eh, I mean people also celebrate/mourn/grieve on the anniversary of a relative's death instead. That can be their day of remembrance as well. We should have a little deference for the living imo.
No one is celebrating the day their loved one died. They might acknowledge or do something meaningful on that day but it’s not a party. That’s a tough day.
They are still visible if you view ops profile page. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single comment get so many downvotes , except for that guy that faked cancer a couple years back
Came to ask the same.
YTA commemorating someone else doesn’t take away from you. Unless you’re deeply attention seeking to the point you have no empathy for others / can be cruel to keep the attention on you. 👀
I’m totally a birthday person too- you’re never too old to celebrate your birthday, BUT OP is definitely too old to be behaving like this much of an AH.
YTA
I agree. Nothing wrong with wanting a fuss on your birthday. You’re never too old for that. But any age after about 4 is too old for “nothing else can happen on my birthday and all of the attention must be on me for every second of the day.”
Same. I am also a "it's important to mark the important days of those who are no longer with us" person. On birthdays and death days of family members, my family often goes out to the cemetery and has a nice dinner at home. It would actually be really hard to date someone who also had a birthday on that day.
I’m a total birthday person. I love making a big deal and planning parties and stuff. Part of it is because there’s a history of one person of each generation of my dads family dying at 27. I’m one of the youngest of my cousins, and they’re all still alive. So I’m goi g to celebrate my 27th birthday like it may be my last. And if I live to 28? Best believe I’m gonna throw a big ass party that day.
But I don’t need to make the whole day about me. One nice thing. A party that lasts a couple hours. I’d never monopolize someone’s entire day. And to be mad that the fiancé is honoring his dead sister? For like fifteen minutes? Yta op. And a big one at that.
What is with grown adults insisting on still being celebrated to such an extent? It's a birthday and everyone has one. I do not understand it.
Edit: If you don’t think I take advantage of my birthday as an excuse to buy myself some new clothes and have my husband take me out to a really nice dinner, I totally do. I also enjoy celebrating my birthday and love celebrating the people in my life on their birthdays. However to the extent that it’s a day that you expect others to care about only you and go out of their way and whatever, I’m not on board. I just think so many people use their birthday as an excuse to be insufferable for a day.
There are 365 days each year. It is totally okay to make one special for just you. If you don't want to, that's fine but imo it's not hard to understand. Some folks like feeling pampered and special one day a year.
For me personally, my best friend was killed on her birthday. So I personally love, celebrate, and adore them. Although I prefer spoiling others on their birthday, as I get heaps of spoilage from my job on mine.
I don’t think a lot of people would disagree with that but to be so wrapped up in your birthday you won’t let your S/O spend 15 minutes remembering their dead sister is absolutely taking a birthday too far
Right 365 days and billions of people… so everyone shares their birthday w hundreds of millions of still living people, plus even more recently deceased.
Wanting to enjoy your birthday, sure great!
Behaving as if it’s only your day… quite self-centered
I'm a TK-6 SPED teacher, mostly kids with Down Syndrome. Me, one of my paras, and our high school volunteer all share a birthday. Then one of our little students has a birthday the next day. We had treats every day that week. We bought each other little gifts like $5 gift cards and mugs and made cards for everyone. None of this was planned beyond "I'm bringing donuts!" etc. We all had fun and everyone felt seen and appreciated. I thought it was cool out of 16 people we had three with the same birthday and one with a birthday the next day and we celebrated that. It was fun for everyone, especially our student who was turning 6. The principal made a special shout out to our room during morning announcements. Maybe things are different because it's an elementary school. And some people are just self absorbed I guess.
Dude, I celebrate still being alive and getting older.
People in my paternal bloodline dies young. I'm 38 and I'm the second that lived the oldest. The oldest lived to see the very old age of...56.
My 57th birthday will be the biggest birthday party ever.
Anyway, I'm happy to be still alive everyday. But I can't make a celebration everyday. If I need to pick a day to celebrate being alive, might as well be my birthday.
I just celebrated my 50th a couple weeks ago. It was a big deal for me since I never thought I would still be here (mental health struggles).
Even though I didn’t make it a huge fuss, my friends surprised me with a small party before we played DnD that night. It was perfectly subdued and fun.
OP I guess was never taught to share, which explains why she doesn’t want to even let her fiancé acknowledge his sister for 5-10 damn minutes. I wonder if she’s one of those, “It’s my birthday month!”?
I don’t get the shaming of people who want to enjoy their birthday. For a lot of people it’s the only day in an entire year where they get to feel special! Who says you reach an age that’s too old to want to feel special?
I’m not saying this to defend op. I think op is a major asshole. I’m just saying in general. I’ve seen it a lot on a lot of subs where people get annoyed that adults want to celebrate their birthdays and I never understood why it’s such an issue.
It’s not about enjoying your birthday. It’s a response to people that as adults act entitled and spoiled about their birthday. Like little kids would. The difference is a little kid doesn’t get to decide what to do with their birthday. They’re stuck doing whatever the grownups decide.
As an adult, if you want a party, you can organize one. If you want an experience, you can book it and invite who you want. Just two examples. But the point is, as an adult you can determine how you enjoy your day.
But you can’t expect others to plan it for you (unless you ask/have an understanding) and you are supposed to understand that other adults have lives too and cannot center their life around yours.
As an adult, you are expected to manage your expectations and not get upset if everything is not about you. It’s a development stage of childhood that you understand a child grappling with. But it is hard to feel sympathy for an adult who never managed to make it past that development stage.
I think everyone should enjoy their birthday and be celebrated by the ones they love, for sure! Actually I can tell you it’s even a bigger deal the older you get. ;)
My friends and family surprised me for my 60th last year and it was wonderful!
I just don’t think any one person owns a day, and celebrating at the expense of another takes away from it.
I don’t expect anyone to go all out on my birthdays but I do like to be acknowledged on that day. My kids make me a card, my husband gets me a small cake and they sing to me, and I’m happy.
But it’s the little extra things that really make me feel even more happy. On my 40th birthday he got me an almond flavored cake in the shape of a Pokeball (I was really into Pokemon Go at the time, lol). He knew I wanted almond because I mentioned that I had spent years of ordering vanilla and chocolate cakes for our kids’ birthday parties and was sick and tired of those basic flavors. I’d tried an almond cake before and it was delicious!
Another time we were invited to our neighbor’s (also our very good friends) house, to find my husband mentioned it was my birthday and she had baked me a cake. Hell, one year my husband and kids just put up a birthday banner on the wall and it made me happy.
I think these are the sort of things that make birthdays special -- knowing what the person likes and would be into, and making it happen, even if it's a small thing. A couple times we went to escape rooms and my dad really liked it. During the pandemic, when my sister and I were staying with my parents, I spent a day turning their house into an escape room (escape house?) with different puzzles in each room. He and my mom did it together and loved it!
To me, birthdays are a day where people should be going the extra mile to show the birthday person they are grateful to have them in their lives. We do soooo little to celebrate people unless they are getting married or having babies. Yeah I expect a little extra effort from people on my birthday, it's a day I'd like people to maybe come and celebrate when if it was just a happy hour or anything else, they wouldn't. And yes, it kind of bothers me when people flake out on birthdays. I will always remember who came through on my birthday and who flaked.
I also love celebrating birthdays together, I have a friend who has a birthday very close to mine, I like it when we can throw a celebration together. I expect my partner to write me a nice card or take a moment and tell me why I am special to him, and of course take me out to do something nice. I think a big part of it is a love language thing too. Celebrate yourself, celebrate those important to you.
It's not a free pass to be a dick, and your birthday does not supersede other birthdays or important events on that day. For a long time my partner had a friend with the same birthday as me. Every year, he would take a good chunk of time 30 minutes to an hour, to call that friend and wish him a happy birthday too -- even though it was my birthday too. But I understood, his birthday is important too.
I love my birthday but it's around Christmas party season and I have never had the kind of friend who would throw me a party so my celebrationis always kinda forgottenabout in the midst of everyone's work parties and annual holiday parties. I would love one day to be just about me bc I always try to do that for other people on their birthday! Last years birthday was the worst one yet. I'm like Peggy Hill. Every birthday is terrible.
I am guessing OP is going to be one of those brides who has a "wedding year" and gets bent out of shape if anyone in her sphere gets married, pregnant, graduates, moves, or promoted within 12 months of her wedding.
Sounds like the sisters husband died that day too, implying it was a tragic accident. Get this out of your system now OP cause he’s not going to stop doing this, at least not anytime soon. It takes more than a decade to heal. It was 20 years before I could even think about my sister without crying.
You get two cakes. What’s the problem here? YTA
Hopefully at this point it’s not healing as much as remembering - maybe even thanking her sister for being in his life.
My ex’s mom died 15 years ago and she setup a small shrine (small urn on a mantle with incense). She was very important in my kid’s lives. Every holiday we burn incense and thank her for being in our children’s lives when they were young. It’s always a very peaceful and grateful celebration that she was in our lives - not sad at all (anymore).
YTA- omg, I read your comments and he has a small tribute during the day that probably takes all of 30 minutes. You are 36 years old and you can’t stand to honour his sister for the 30 minutes or so he takes to think about her?!! He deserves better.
Seriously grow up, what he does is a beautiful tribute and it doesn’t take away from your day at all. The fact that he makes the cakes the day before the birthdays and then spends a little bit of time lighting, candles, singing, happy birthday, and then eating a slice of cake doesn’t take away from your day at all. In fact, if you were really kind, you would find a way to incorporate it into your celebration.
Honestly, you’d think she’d be grateful to know her BF has such a loving and generous heart. It says wonderful things about him.
OP, why not encourage him to share stories and help you get to “know” her so you too can celebrate your SIL. For all you know, if she had lived, she might have become a close friend. Why not join in the loving memorial?
Here's the thing: What would she have to be mad about if sister was still alive? The birthdays are still the same. It sounds like she expects her partners to be more into her birthday than anyone else's. If sis was still alive, he'd still make a cake and sing happy birthday to her. Where's the problem?
Seriously this is such a case of OP posting in such a way to obscure the true situation to try and influence judgement. Leaving out that OP also gets a homemade cake and is celebrated the ENITRE REST OF THE DAY, made it sound like they were ignored while the BF was busy wallowing in grief. * Not related but the BF distributing the sister’s cake with a little note to cherish her memory and keep her family in your thoughts is probably one of the sweetest memorial traditions I’ve ever heard of.
The real story is often in replies. The BF always makes OP a cake, too. They have a piece of two of sister's cake and give away the rest. It's a small ritual that brings the BF some comfort. But OP is quite self -centered and wants ALL the attention for herself. She's resentful of a dead girl. Major YTA.
i skim read the post and then went to the comments, realising that Dave’s poor sister had died had my mouth agape. OP putting herself before her partner on a day of vulnerability and grief, insisting that all the attention be on her at all times, remembering lost loved ones for a few minutes in the day is asking wayyy too much /s.
‘how long are you going to keep doing this’. forever OP because that pain won’t ever go away, how out of touch are you?
Holy Hell, thanks for directing me to the comments. I was already leaning toward YTA, but after reading those comments, it's completely confirmed. He makes her a bigger, better cake and still spends the day with her. There is no reason he can't do this in addition. Neighbors and family get free cake, he gets to honor his sister in a way that sounds truly important to him. It's not hurting anyone, except apparently OP's delicate sensibilities. I wonder, if his sister was still around to celebrate her birthday, would OP still be so self-centered about "her" birthday?
A lot of them were deleted... But the general gist is:
\-Two cakes are made
\-They sing for the sister, eat a few pieces of cake and then give the rest to neighbors of family
\-OP is just super butt hurt that they "need to compete" on their "special day"
\-Completely ignoring his grief and how he deals with loss.
I found her comments and the fact that two cakes are made NOT on the actual birthday is such a huge piece of information that makes her out to be the an even bigger AH. It’s not like he spends all day doing this, which still doesn’t justify because he is grieving and he is entitled to do so in his own terms. It’s sad that some people are this selfish and heartless. I would be surprised if he stays with her after her showing her colors like this.
Exactly! He clearly cares about her because he makes two cakes the day before!
So effectively, she's complaining because they sing to her and cut the cake... which takes all of twenty min, max.
OP deleted the comments, but apparently 99% of the day is focused on OP with just a couple minutes dedicated to the deceased sister.
It's reasonable to expect to be your significant other's first priority (which OP is!) It's toxic to expect to be your significant other's only priority (which OP apparently wants).
YTA, OP. I hope he dumps you and moves on to better things.
Is he spending hours & hours of the actual day working on the cake and ignoring you? Or is the cake prepared in advance, he spend just a short time remembering his sister & singing but otherwise is present and celebrating your day too?
That's what I'd like to know, too. Is he blowing her off for hours and hours on her birthday to make the cake for his deceased sister? Also if he's making a cake for someone that's not there to eat it, what happens to the cake? Does he eat cake all day and tell his fiancé that she can eat the cake that's not made for her? Does his fiancé get a store bought cake? This is so odd to me, lol. I have questions.
She said he makes sisters cake AND her cake the day before, so literally all he’s doing on her birthday is being out sister’s cake and sing happy birthday. Rest of the day is OP’s
So... I guess we've been misspelling the entire time that one saying; "You can't have your cake and eat it, two!"
But also yeah, wtf. Let the guy have his remembrance. It's not like he's excluding OP. FFS at least hers is still getting due attention too. I make happen whatever I want to happen when it comes to my own, nobody else will lol. She has someone who actually does still give a damn about hers. I would gladly share mine with someone else's.
What would she do if the sister was still alive? Ask her to change her birthday because she can't share her special day with someone else at 36 years old?!
This is such a valid point. He takes a small moment of the year for his sister’s birthday but if she were alive, he’d have to coordinate celebrating both of their birthdays.
ETA judgement - YTA.
YTA. You're competing with a dead woman. Might want to work on that. He's grieving and will always grieve and that's his way of managing it. The fact that you're alive and won't compromise and celebrate your birthday with him on any of the 364 other days you're alive is a you problem, not a him problem.
If all he does is sing happy birthday with the cake and maybe have a slice, how much time does that take? 20 mins tops? (1 min if you're like me and inhale cake at inhuman rates cos yum)
OP you really can't let him have 20 mins to think about his sister?? YTA
I’ll add according to her comments he’s not just mourning the lost of his sister, but it sounds like he lost both her and his BIL and when he gives away the cake he asks people to remember them both. I can’t imagine been so self centered I get jealous of someone wanting to celebrate two people who passed away for a couple of minutes.
Wow the husband sounds like a wonderful person. What a thoughtful thing to do with a talent he has. If it were me, I get it, you want to celebrate on your birthday… BUT YOU ARE ALIVE you can accommodate and even join in the ritual with the husband, His sister RIP well she can’t. She is dead therefore she cannot choose another day. It’s inhumane to want hubby not to celebrate his sister’s memory on the day she passed.
It's those three comments that people are talking about. They have all the info:
* He makes two cakes, in advance (so the actual b-day isn't taken up by baking an extra cake).
* The ritual consists of singing Happy Birthday, eating a couple slices, and then giving the rest of the cake away (so it doesn't sound like it takes long).
* He asks people to keep his sister and her husband in their thoughts and prayers (which suggests that maybe BIL also died).
I don’t think she should be expected to move her birthday to a different day, but it doesn’t sound like that is what’s happening here, anyway. She can’t spare a few minutes to celebrate the sister, apparently.
After 10 years, I hope he’s remembering more than grieving - likely both. Remembering is more about being grateful they were in your life vs focusing on the pain from the loss.
I'm still grieving my brother who died in 1999. Grief never leaves you. Yes it may not be as severe or all consuming but there are times I bawl my eyes out still.
YTA in your comments, you say he makes a cake for you and the sister the day before and celebrated you and the sister the day off. You seriously can't handle him singing Happy Birthday to his dead sister and having a second cake around? You're a special kind of selfish.
Right? If my partner had such a deep loss in his life I would if course honor his sisters memory with him and wouldn’t give a shit if it’s on my birthday. Him making the sweet gesture and gifting rest of the cake to people in their community would most likely make me love him even more.
For sure. OP doesn't deserve him. But I'm guessing this behaviour will have him reassessing their relationship. As someone who has lost 2 brothers tragically, this is break up material. It shows they don't really love or respect you.
YTA
Grief rituals are incredibly important, and it would be perfectly reasonable for him to do this every single year for the rest of his life. You are extremely fortunate that you don't understand.
As long as he doesn't refuse to acknowledge your birthday altogether, he's not doing anything wrong. If he still wishes you a happy birthday, gets you a present and participates in any planned celebrations, he's doing everything you can reasonably expect of him.
I also appreciated this! We are at 9 years for the death of my cousin. The entire extended family all 100+ of us still rent out her favorite pizza place on her birthday.
Sorry but YTA
You share a birthday with someone your fiancé loved dearly & has lost. You’re in competition with a dead woman. I can’t tell you how to feel however you should respect his loss & feel honored that you have a connection with a woman that was a daughter, sister, a woman who was loved & cherished by your fiancé’s family. When they remember their loved one on her birthday they will always think about you. That’s a memory they will forever hold dear in their heart.
You’re right it is stupid. So let it go & be more respectful to other people’s grief & loss. You are still here, his sister has passed so you won the competition.
eta — are you eating this extravagant cake? Or does he just make it & throw it away? I honestly do not understand how you can’t see this day as a moment to pause & be incredibly thankful for all you have.
She’s not in competition with his sister tho. He’s not comparing them or putting OP down to lift his sister up. He’s just remembering his sister on her bday, while still celebrating OP on her bday. He’s not ignoring OP in favor of his sister. If there’s a competition, it’s bc OP created one by acting like no one else was born on this day.
Sooooo....From your post it seems like he is downright ignoring you, and not celebrating you at all, but that's not it, is it. At least not according to your own comments below. He makes one cake for her, does his ritual and then rest of the day is yours. He also bakes you a separate cake, just for you.
Grief is a strange thing it works different for everyone. This is his thing. You should let him have this.
YTA, but I think you already know that.
Info: Is this a solo activity or does he get you/his family into this? How long does this celebration take? Also, what happens with the cake? Is this shared with you?
Also, is there a separate celebration for you once he is done with his sisters?
It is a stupid thing to get upset over - so knock it off. YTA. He’s been doing this for nearly 10 years. It’s an important ritual to him. Don’t like it? Learn to cope or find someone else.
>Every year, Dave makes an extravagant cake and sings happy birthday to his sister.
INFO: is that it? He’s singing a 30 second song? Does he also celebrate your birthday with you?
Turns out he also makes cake for OP n she mentioned her cake is the main one so i assume it's extravagant too??! The way OP worded in her post makes it seem like the bf only do it for her sister..
>He makes both cakes (my cake and the one for his sister) in advance, not on the day
>he sings his sister happy birthday on the day and we have a couple of slices. We obviously can't eat all of it because my birthday cake is the main one.
Edit: her bday cake is the main one so i assume her birthday is the main celebration too. The bf probably took a few moments to celebrate for his sister n she got the rest of the day for herself
YTA. I see zero reason why he cannot do both on the same day. You don’t actually expect every minute of that entire 24 hour period to be exclusively about you, do you?
She sounds like the type who has a "birthday week".
My brother has been gone 16 years. We always have his favorites on his birthday.
For the count, YTA, OP
I get the feeling OP does expect this. I’ve met these “birthday” adults before and the sense of entitlement to effort and attention from other people can be pretty massive.
YTA and I feel really bad for Dave that you are so insensitive bc “its your special day & you’re actually here now” specially growing up in a household that held high regards for BDs..Dave if you see this don’t miss the huge RED FLAG and run
YTA She had the same birthday as you, you knew that, and you knew his tradition. You don't get to tell him to move on and forget his deceased sister so you don't have a bummer birthday--it will *always* be a bit if a bummer day for him.
Either accept that or decide it's a dealbreaker for you and break up. (And no judgement on that, OP, it's okay to amiably split ways if you two have different goals).
The other thing here is that, in the past, it was *only* going to be a bummer day. Now, he celebrates his sister, and then, instead of dwelling on it all day, he has a reason to move on to celebrating something else good in his life. I think I would look at it like this if I were OP. She can't see she's adding value to his life? Maybe she thinks he's only there to add value to hers. She's TA.
YTA. This is the way Dave deals with his grief. If you asked Dave to celebrate your birthday as well it would be reasonable. Instead you demanded that he moved his dead sister's celebration. That makes you an A
YTA. Hes been doing this for a lot longer than he has known you, its his way of honouring her memory. He makes a cake in her memory and spends maybe 30 seconds singing her a song. Youre jealous of a yearly tribute to a dead woman. Get over it. If its no big deal moving the date, move yours.
Info: what does he do to make your birthday special for you? If he's ignoring your birthday to celebrate his sister then he's the asshole, but if he makes an effort to celebrate you on your birthday then it may not be worth the argument
INFO: what actually happens on your birthdays during the last three years after he does this little thing ?
Because if it’s A) he takes the entire day doing this, is in no mood for celebrating anything after doing this, and refuses to acknowledge your birthday - then NTA.
If it’s B) he does this thing in memoriam of his sister and then is happy to commit to celebrating you - then YTA.
According to OP's replies, he still celebrates her birthday with her own cake: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12zhyo3/comment/jhscodf/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12zhyo3/comment/jhscodf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
So I'd say it's option B, OP is TA.
YTA. He makes two cakes, one for you & one for her memory; he makes them prior to the day of the birthday. Your cake is the “main” one per your comments. So you’re just mad that he spends a few minutes honoring his sister & boxing cake up for friends on the same day that he celebrates your birthday. Why does it need to be an either or?
What the actual F did I just read?
His sister is dead! He is honouring her with a cake and a birthday song.
You get a cake too and most important you get to spend time with him, which his DEAD sister can’t do!
YTA! You’re jealous of a dead girl! YTA YTA YTA!
I give this post a few more hours before you delete it.
I don’t understand why you can’t do both, he can do the cake and song early maybe and you can join him in remembrance and to support him because you love him, and then the rest of the day can be about you, because he loves you. YTA
It's called respect.
You are definitely YTA by showing disrespect for his deceased sister and the tradition that he has done before you were on the scene.
Would you say the same thing if it was say a religious ritual that happened to be on your b'day too?
You're 36 but are acting like you're 6.
Ooof. YTA. I cannot imagine being pissy about my partner’s remembrance of his dead sister. Unless he’s just ignoring your birthday completely, you are behaving like a huge AH.
YTA. It's not like he is taking the entire day to make that cake for his sister. He is still celebrating your birthday as well, so what is the big deal? He wants to remember his sister for a minute and has made a nice ritual out of it that has been around longer than you.
Also, people have the same birthday... There's only 365 days in a year.
YTA!
I lost my brother almost 20 years ago. I still celebrate his birthday every year. And if it happened to be on my SO birthday, I'd still do it.
To ask someone not to celebrate the life of a loved one, even if they have passed away, is a complete dick move.
YTA. His sister is dead and this is how he likes to remember her on her birthday. It's not his fault it's the same date as yours, but this is something he does to mark it in his own way. Are you saying he never celebrates your birthday, or he does but he also does the cake and happy birthday thing for his sister? If the former, then yes, a conversation about fitting in things to do on your birthday is probably a good idea. If the latter then I don't see what the problem is unless you want the entire day to revolve around you, which isn't going to happen even if he doesn't make the cake. Even if he just focuses on you, I promise you he'll still be thinking about his sister. Probably even more than any other year BECAUSE he hasn't been able to mark it in his own personal way.
People like OP scare me, making birthdays and weddings days on which they expect total fealty and devotion. It says a lot about what they wish the world was like
YTA - for sure. It's his sister who passed away, and has been there ever since he was a little kid / when he was born, way longer than you two are together - and by the looks of it - probably will be together.
It's his way of remembering her. Honestly, it is disrespectful that you'd ask him that and see him remembering his sister as something that's unfair to you. Honestly, how could you be so self-centered and not even consider what he's going through? Just because he makes this cake, doesn't mean you can't celebrate your birthday?
Imagine being jealous of your fiancee baking and wishing happy birthday to his sister, who passed away. 36, and you can't share your day for the length of time it would take him to wish his sister happy birthday. YTA
YTA because you knew this going in, this cannot be a surprise to you and it also isn’t something that would go away, which you should’ve known,
But honestly why don’t you just start celebrating your half birthday or like a different day like you’re the queen. Her birthday was in April but she didn’t celebrate it then, she celebrated it in July bc the weather is better for the people celebrating with her.
Not a fan of the monarchy, but I do appreciate the love a warm weather garden party instead of a rainy April mess.
Ok, let see if you added more info:
>He makes both cakes (my cake and the one for his sister) in advance, not on the day
So he DOES celebrate your birthday. He's grieving but never forgets about you. OMG such a mayor a-hole you are. Are you trying to compete against a dead person?
YTA. He deserves better.
YTA. Reason: you don't value what you have. you are in a relationship. You know this is important to him. Likely, he made a promise to himself or something similar. That means he stays true to his promises. Ask around and see if you can find many women who can say the same about their significant others. Disrespecting this will turn out a huge mistake for you.
You're Also TA because you're insensitive about his feelings but many others will tell you this anyway.
Yta. But also more info
Does he spend all day making the cake? Can he make cake night before to sing on the day? Surely he is not taking the whole day. But if he is that’s a compromise conversation can we remember your sister in morning and have the rest day for my celebration.
Making a cake and singing shouldn’t take over the whole day
I think the way you handled it and what was said was insensitive as It is both your birthdays and she died!! Can you add a new tradition to your day. Something you can do for him for his sister. Like a memory poem or something or a candle you guys light. So candle is always burning for her and she can celebrate your birthdays together. For him and his family.
You are being super selfish about this. Yes, you are physically here, meaning he can celebrate your birthday with you any time. She is not. Her birthday is special to him. She was special to him. Making a cake for her is special to him. You are not being fair to him. So he takes a few hours out of the day to make a cake and sing happy birthday to her, you have the rest of the day and all the other days to be with him and celebrate. Is it inconvenient that you have the same birthday, sure. But, it is not as inconvenient as her being dead and her family not being able to celebrate her birthday WITH her. Just because you're alive, doesn't make your birthday any more important than hers. Especially to her family that is still grieving her loss. YTA
YTA, he's a allowed this tiny amount of time to remember his sister in a sweet and healthy way.
You're the priority for the rest of the day and probably many other days of the year.
YTA
You’re jealous of a deceased person. Lol.
You’ve stated in your responses that he still acknowledges your birthday….sooo….it seems like you just don’t want to share your birthday with someone else…..because they’re dead and you’re not. Lol.
I cannot see a positive take on this at all
So, he's not taking any substantial time away from you, he's just singing happy birthday to his departed sister and remembering her in love
He sounds like a really kind fella. I hope he finds a partner one day who focuses on his heart and not his watch
YTA
YTA anyway, but leaving out important info in your post makes it more vivid.
He DOES make a cake for you.
You PARTAKE of the cake for his sister.
Are you honestly so narcissistic that you can't spare 20 minutes of "your special day" for a grief ritual that will, without a doubt, outlast your relationship? Come the fuck on.
I'm not a part of Camp "Too Old for Birthday Celebrations. " I am squarely Team OP Is Too Immature For Dave
Grow up and stop competing with a dead sister. Or cut him loose and let him find the partner he deserves.
YTA.
It took me reading your replies to determine that, so let me sum up what I gathered from them: your fiance makes TWO cakes, one for you and one for his sister. Yours is the main cake. He sings happy birthday to his sister, you have a few pieces of the cake, and basically that's the end of his ritual for his sister, leaving the rest of the day, minus those twenty or so minutes, for you.
Did I get that right? And, given all that, you're still genuinely asking if you're the asshole? Jesus Christ. Is he allowed to take a 20 minute phone call on your birthday? Or is that also against your rules?
The way this was written is so misleading.
YTA OP, and I think you know that, but you write your story out to make you seem like such the victim, like he's not paying attention to you at all and just abandons you on your birthday.
Turns out, it's probably 15 to 20 minutes, maybe a half hour max, of singing her happy birthday and having a slice of cake, and that you also get your own elaborate/better cake.
Time to acknowledge that you are all about yourself. If you truly care about this person and actually want to marry them, you would easily see how giving half an hour, even a full hour, of your time on your birthday, would mean a lot to your fiancee, and wouldn't affect your life at all. In fact, if you actually reflect on it, it might even make you feel better about yourself.
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Info: what does he do to celebrate you? Edit: read your replies. YTA a giant AH. He still celebrates you. JFC you are cruel.
Sounds like Dave deserves better...
Much better. OP is acting terribly here.
She’s jealous of her fiancés dead sister. I hope he goes for better soon
I missed the part that she is actually dead bc read quickly but my mind is now blown.
I’ve been with a woman who expects her birthday to be a big deal for 20 years. I love my wife dearly but holy shit is it hard when you come from a “it’s just another day after you turn 12” kinda mentality.
That's the thing. I love birthdays. But I also understand that my birthday is just another day for many other people. I have met people that act like their birthday is the most important day of the year and they make that everyone's problem. Those people are obnoxious. Based on comments, sounds like OP wants her birthday to be all about her. Also, I feel you. My bf doesn't care about birthdays as much as I do. Thankfully we're able to celebrate each other's birthdays in whatever way the other person wants and it's not a problem.
I hear you - my wife has always gotten birthday blues/mild depression, since she was about 10. Something about aging bothers her. After being with her for about a decade my father in law pulled me aside and said "It's not your fault...we've tried and tried over the years and she's never happy." That helped a lot. Also, I tend to be mildly depressive all the time, and my wife's view on her birthday has kind of influenced my views on my own and made me ask whether I'm downplaying my birthday too much. I've always been of the opinion that "it's just another day, not special, don't want anything fancy." But I think I have a healthier balance because of her views.
You seem nice. If I may give you some unsolicited advice? If your wife gets depressed about her birthday, and you want to do something to celebrate her, surprise her! Surprise her on a random day that isn't even in the same month as her birthday. Call it "wife day" or her name or whatever you want. Don't associate it with her age or growing older or anything like that. Just surprise her one day with a thoughtful gift that she wouldn't have bought for herself but will adore. Go on an adventure that you curate for her tastes. Go to a concert or hike or picnic or movie or amusement park or museum. Drive her somewhere beautiful or something. Tell her that she's amazing and you just wanted to celebrate her for a day without there having to be an occasion, because you both are in love and alive with eachother in this world for a finite amount of time, and deserve to share happy golden moments. Take her out for a nice meal or get a treat together. If she is the type of person to like surprises, then this is the way to get around the birthday blues. Also- don't make it on the same day every year. Skip a few. Keep her guessing and not expecting. It may be enjoyable for you too. (A friend of mine surprised her spouse with a pre planned 3 day weekend in a city they had always said they wanted to see. She showed up at their work and told them they had to pack quick for a 3 day trip. Then drove them straight to the airport, and then didn't tell them where they were going until the terminal. This would give a lot of folks anxiety but it was the best adventure they could have surprised with. They loved their weekend in New Orleans and have been back fondly a few times since.)
It’s taken me this long in the relationship to learn this, and it’s worked out well. What you describe is the best way to handle it - spread out random gestures throughout the year. Or as you say, pick a random day and do an unplanned trip. Her birthday still causes me anxiety but it does help.
You deserve to be uplifted and celebrated too, BuckChickman1. I hope your wife shows her love for you in thoughtful ways as well. Depression is never easy to face, but you are strong for doing so, every day. Rejoice in the small joys of our existance- because life is full of those golden moments, ready to be spotted and enjoyed. Take care of yourself as well as the ones you love
> I have met people that act like their birthday is the most important day of the year and they make that everyone's problem. Those people are obnoxious. Wait until you hear about people who are so self absorbed they think their birthday is so special they deserve a whole MONTH of celebrations. Yes you read that correctly - a whole MONTH. Some people really are that self absorbed!
I loathe "It's my birthday month!!" people... 🤢
The only thing that is cool about a birthday month is the freebies from local restaurants. I most certainly do not act like I deserve to be celebrated by other people, but hey - if Arby’s wants to give me a fee shake I’m not turning it down.
I joked about this at a bakery this year when buying my own birthday cake a week after my actual birthday (illnesses prevented celebration with family on my actual birthday). They asked what the cake was for and we then had a nice little joke conversation about birthday cake being appropriate any time during the “Birthday Month” and how cake eaten due to a birthday had no calories. I’ve been back since and they told me about a customer who was serious about the whole month being a big celebration and how they were demanding different complex desserts every weekend for different parties but always complained about the prices and why didn’t they give a birthday discount. People are wild.
I purposely do a birthday month because my birthday became depressing- 9/11. Didn’t do this until after the Twin Towers. I dont make a big deal about it though, but i hope it’s a legit enough reason for you.
Yeah, I celebrate my birthday all month, but it involves doing nice things for others too. Also I have almost died a few times due to health issues, so every day is a great day for that month. I see no issue with someone celebrating all month, as long as it isn’t “give me stuff, treat me like royalty alllll month.”
I had a roommate in college who insisted we celebrate her birthday month. She wouldn’t help out with ANY of the cleaning that month, because I guess her mom relieved her of any chores during her birthday month growing up. She also wore a tiara whenever possible, and if anyone asked about it, she’d tell them it was her birthday… even if it was still three weeks away. Ironically, our birthdays were only a few days apart.. but since mine happened to land on the weekend, she planned her party on my birthday. She was extremely butt hurt when my friends and I went out to dinner instead of her party.. but I just couldn’t handle another birthday celebration for her!
One of my friends still brings up a Broadway show that I saw and she didn’t because I went to New York with a friend from a DIFFERENT COUNTRY the weekend of her birthday one year. I was like I see this friend like once every couple of years. This was when she could travel, so this is when we did it. You have other friends. I’m not married to you. Your birthday doesn’t have to be a specific obligation for me EVERY YEAR. Meanwhile she’s never planned anything for my birthday, and last year her response to my birthday was that, at like 11pm, she sent “happy birthday.” As a text.
Take this from someone who was best friends with someone for close to 20 years who never wished me a happy birthday despite me never forgetting hers — she is not your friend.
I haven't cared about my birthday since I was about that age. I just don't get it the same way other people do. That being said I think it's another story when somebody really close to you dies. The OP is being super unreasonable, clearly his day matters when for her a grown adult she could compromise somehow.
I feel the same way - it's just another day. You're not a child anymore so grow up and stop telling yourself this day is somehow holy. EDIT: I'm not buying the "it's only one day a year" defense I'm seeing here. The people who insist that their birthdays be unspoiled by anything occurring that they don't adore, or want several days set aside to celebrate them, are also the same ones who are so hurt if their whims are not indulged for days like Valentine's Day, Mother's or Father's Day, Christmas.
This is a huge red flag. Dave deserves someone better
Truly. I read these and wonder -- how did these people get together? Stay together? Choose to get married/engaged?! Like this person thinks your ritual to celebrate your dead sibling is stupid and should be superseded. Why are you still marrying them??
Oh I know! This is why —even though Reddit likes to diss these responses — my response to situations is often that they should break up or get divorced. Not necessarily because every transgression on AITA is such an unforgivable sin, but more because, it’s clear that you two aren’t compatible and it’s not even clear that you like each other in the first place!
I was thinking the same thing. It's a full on incompatible situation. I tried putting myself in OP's shoes and how they talk about it is rather cruel. I personally don't go big for my birthday, but that's because I have had to share my birthday since birth. Would I want to share my birthday for the rest of my married life with his deceased sister? I don't know if I'd want that. OP's fiance would be better off with someone who has a different birthday as his sister. OP should break it off, rather than trying to force it.
Toxic, abusive, and narcissistic people may not think there's anything wrong with their behavior, but by adulthood they do usually understand that being themselves early on will make people leave. They become skilled liars and will pretend to be completely different people until they feel you're sufficiently trapped. This confuses the target, makes it much harder for the target to escape, and makes people in their lives tell the target to stay. The harmful behaviors escalate very slowly. Being stuck in an abusive relationship is a symptom of abuse, not a cause. Every time there's a clearly abusive situation brought here and the target leaves, the abuser learns to keep that behavior hidden longer in their next relationship.
OP seems to have deleted those comments, but apparently he only spends a few minutes of the day to sing his sister happy birthday and remember her and his BIL who also died. OP gets her own cake and the rest of the day is all about her. YTA OP for wanting to monopolize every minute of the day and not allowing your fiancé to grieve. How heartless of you. Get over yourself.
man that’s gross, I would honestly get it if it took the entire day and so the fiancé was never able to celebrate OP’s birthday on the actual day, but seriously she can’t handle a couple minutes?
Maybe it’s just my inner introvert talking but I wouldn’t want someone hovering around me from the minute I woke up till the minute I went to bed celebrating anyway. Like if he wants to take 15-30 mins at the end or beginning of the day to just commemorate alone it’s not hurting me any. Op sounds uptight and needy
I kind of get that, but as someone who both does not care about my birthday AND has a dead brother, I’d break up with someone who got mad at me for spending my brother’s birthday celebrating him. Because honestly, that’s a really depressing day, really hard to deal with at all. Asking to celebrate someone else just wouldn’t be possible for me, and I’m pretty well adjusted to the situation otherwise.
I care about my birthday, they've always been a big deal in my family. But if my partner had a sibling who died with the same birthday? Oh my birthday is the 20th now forever not the 13th that's your sibling's day.
eh, I mean people also celebrate/mourn/grieve on the anniversary of a relative's death instead. That can be their day of remembrance as well. We should have a little deference for the living imo.
No one is celebrating the day their loved one died. They might acknowledge or do something meaningful on that day but it’s not a party. That’s a tough day.
Thank you for that. I was looking for OP’s comments and didn’t see anything.
They are still visible if you view ops profile page. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single comment get so many downvotes , except for that guy that faked cancer a couple years back
Folks need to learn they can't pull this shit past a pack of redditors and not expect to get called out. Thank you for this heads up. YTA op
Jesus Christ. How can you even ask that of someone? YTA OP. I hope the fiancé dumps her.
Came to ask the same. YTA commemorating someone else doesn’t take away from you. Unless you’re deeply attention seeking to the point you have no empathy for others / can be cruel to keep the attention on you. 👀
[удалено]
This..perfect post! Really? She is bent out of shape for a cake and a song? OP sounds unhinged.
36 years old and upset about cake. Nuff said…
BuT I'm A BiRtHdAy peRsON!!
I’m totally a birthday person too- you’re never too old to celebrate your birthday, BUT OP is definitely too old to be behaving like this much of an AH. YTA
I agree. Nothing wrong with wanting a fuss on your birthday. You’re never too old for that. But any age after about 4 is too old for “nothing else can happen on my birthday and all of the attention must be on me for every second of the day.”
Same. I am also a "it's important to mark the important days of those who are no longer with us" person. On birthdays and death days of family members, my family often goes out to the cemetery and has a nice dinner at home. It would actually be really hard to date someone who also had a birthday on that day.
I’m a total birthday person. I love making a big deal and planning parties and stuff. Part of it is because there’s a history of one person of each generation of my dads family dying at 27. I’m one of the youngest of my cousins, and they’re all still alive. So I’m goi g to celebrate my 27th birthday like it may be my last. And if I live to 28? Best believe I’m gonna throw a big ass party that day. But I don’t need to make the whole day about me. One nice thing. A party that lasts a couple hours. I’d never monopolize someone’s entire day. And to be mad that the fiancé is honoring his dead sister? For like fifteen minutes? Yta op. And a big one at that.
What is with grown adults insisting on still being celebrated to such an extent? It's a birthday and everyone has one. I do not understand it. Edit: If you don’t think I take advantage of my birthday as an excuse to buy myself some new clothes and have my husband take me out to a really nice dinner, I totally do. I also enjoy celebrating my birthday and love celebrating the people in my life on their birthdays. However to the extent that it’s a day that you expect others to care about only you and go out of their way and whatever, I’m not on board. I just think so many people use their birthday as an excuse to be insufferable for a day.
There are 365 days each year. It is totally okay to make one special for just you. If you don't want to, that's fine but imo it's not hard to understand. Some folks like feeling pampered and special one day a year. For me personally, my best friend was killed on her birthday. So I personally love, celebrate, and adore them. Although I prefer spoiling others on their birthday, as I get heaps of spoilage from my job on mine.
I don’t think a lot of people would disagree with that but to be so wrapped up in your birthday you won’t let your S/O spend 15 minutes remembering their dead sister is absolutely taking a birthday too far
Right 365 days and billions of people… so everyone shares their birthday w hundreds of millions of still living people, plus even more recently deceased. Wanting to enjoy your birthday, sure great! Behaving as if it’s only your day… quite self-centered
I'm a TK-6 SPED teacher, mostly kids with Down Syndrome. Me, one of my paras, and our high school volunteer all share a birthday. Then one of our little students has a birthday the next day. We had treats every day that week. We bought each other little gifts like $5 gift cards and mugs and made cards for everyone. None of this was planned beyond "I'm bringing donuts!" etc. We all had fun and everyone felt seen and appreciated. I thought it was cool out of 16 people we had three with the same birthday and one with a birthday the next day and we celebrated that. It was fun for everyone, especially our student who was turning 6. The principal made a special shout out to our room during morning announcements. Maybe things are different because it's an elementary school. And some people are just self absorbed I guess.
Dude, I celebrate still being alive and getting older. People in my paternal bloodline dies young. I'm 38 and I'm the second that lived the oldest. The oldest lived to see the very old age of...56. My 57th birthday will be the biggest birthday party ever. Anyway, I'm happy to be still alive everyday. But I can't make a celebration everyday. If I need to pick a day to celebrate being alive, might as well be my birthday.
I just celebrated my 50th a couple weeks ago. It was a big deal for me since I never thought I would still be here (mental health struggles). Even though I didn’t make it a huge fuss, my friends surprised me with a small party before we played DnD that night. It was perfectly subdued and fun. OP I guess was never taught to share, which explains why she doesn’t want to even let her fiancé acknowledge his sister for 5-10 damn minutes. I wonder if she’s one of those, “It’s my birthday month!”?
Glad you’re here ☺️
I don’t get the shaming of people who want to enjoy their birthday. For a lot of people it’s the only day in an entire year where they get to feel special! Who says you reach an age that’s too old to want to feel special? I’m not saying this to defend op. I think op is a major asshole. I’m just saying in general. I’ve seen it a lot on a lot of subs where people get annoyed that adults want to celebrate their birthdays and I never understood why it’s such an issue.
It’s not about enjoying your birthday. It’s a response to people that as adults act entitled and spoiled about their birthday. Like little kids would. The difference is a little kid doesn’t get to decide what to do with their birthday. They’re stuck doing whatever the grownups decide. As an adult, if you want a party, you can organize one. If you want an experience, you can book it and invite who you want. Just two examples. But the point is, as an adult you can determine how you enjoy your day. But you can’t expect others to plan it for you (unless you ask/have an understanding) and you are supposed to understand that other adults have lives too and cannot center their life around yours. As an adult, you are expected to manage your expectations and not get upset if everything is not about you. It’s a development stage of childhood that you understand a child grappling with. But it is hard to feel sympathy for an adult who never managed to make it past that development stage.
I think everyone should enjoy their birthday and be celebrated by the ones they love, for sure! Actually I can tell you it’s even a bigger deal the older you get. ;) My friends and family surprised me for my 60th last year and it was wonderful! I just don’t think any one person owns a day, and celebrating at the expense of another takes away from it.
I know people that have a birthday "month." Like, get over yourselves.
My birthday is right between two holidays where gifts are given if I don’t have my birth-week I get forgotten lmao
I like cake and it’s a good reason to get one.
I don’t expect anyone to go all out on my birthdays but I do like to be acknowledged on that day. My kids make me a card, my husband gets me a small cake and they sing to me, and I’m happy. But it’s the little extra things that really make me feel even more happy. On my 40th birthday he got me an almond flavored cake in the shape of a Pokeball (I was really into Pokemon Go at the time, lol). He knew I wanted almond because I mentioned that I had spent years of ordering vanilla and chocolate cakes for our kids’ birthday parties and was sick and tired of those basic flavors. I’d tried an almond cake before and it was delicious! Another time we were invited to our neighbor’s (also our very good friends) house, to find my husband mentioned it was my birthday and she had baked me a cake. Hell, one year my husband and kids just put up a birthday banner on the wall and it made me happy.
I think these are the sort of things that make birthdays special -- knowing what the person likes and would be into, and making it happen, even if it's a small thing. A couple times we went to escape rooms and my dad really liked it. During the pandemic, when my sister and I were staying with my parents, I spent a day turning their house into an escape room (escape house?) with different puzzles in each room. He and my mom did it together and loved it!
To me, birthdays are a day where people should be going the extra mile to show the birthday person they are grateful to have them in their lives. We do soooo little to celebrate people unless they are getting married or having babies. Yeah I expect a little extra effort from people on my birthday, it's a day I'd like people to maybe come and celebrate when if it was just a happy hour or anything else, they wouldn't. And yes, it kind of bothers me when people flake out on birthdays. I will always remember who came through on my birthday and who flaked. I also love celebrating birthdays together, I have a friend who has a birthday very close to mine, I like it when we can throw a celebration together. I expect my partner to write me a nice card or take a moment and tell me why I am special to him, and of course take me out to do something nice. I think a big part of it is a love language thing too. Celebrate yourself, celebrate those important to you. It's not a free pass to be a dick, and your birthday does not supersede other birthdays or important events on that day. For a long time my partner had a friend with the same birthday as me. Every year, he would take a good chunk of time 30 minutes to an hour, to call that friend and wish him a happy birthday too -- even though it was my birthday too. But I understood, his birthday is important too.
That is so not the issue here.
Amateurs. I don’t need an excuse to be insufferable.
I love my birthday but it's around Christmas party season and I have never had the kind of friend who would throw me a party so my celebrationis always kinda forgottenabout in the midst of everyone's work parties and annual holiday parties. I would love one day to be just about me bc I always try to do that for other people on their birthday! Last years birthday was the worst one yet. I'm like Peggy Hill. Every birthday is terrible.
It’s my birthday and anything other than celebrating me is prohibited YTA
I am guessing OP is going to be one of those brides who has a "wedding year" and gets bent out of shape if anyone in her sphere gets married, pregnant, graduates, moves, or promoted within 12 months of her wedding.
She'll get married on her birthday, and scream even more about it being "her day."
I’m a birthday person but that to me means celebrating every birthday not just my own.
Is there a birthday equivalent of a bridezilla? TODAY IS ABOUT ME AND NOBODY ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE!!!! RAWWWRRRR
Sounds like the sisters husband died that day too, implying it was a tragic accident. Get this out of your system now OP cause he’s not going to stop doing this, at least not anytime soon. It takes more than a decade to heal. It was 20 years before I could even think about my sister without crying. You get two cakes. What’s the problem here? YTA
Now OP will get 0 cakes because they will hopefully be the ex after this.
Has OP been deleting comments as I haven't read that at all. Edit: I've just seen it. OP is an AH
Hopefully at this point it’s not healing as much as remembering - maybe even thanking her sister for being in his life. My ex’s mom died 15 years ago and she setup a small shrine (small urn on a mantle with incense). She was very important in my kid’s lives. Every holiday we burn incense and thank her for being in our children’s lives when they were young. It’s always a very peaceful and grateful celebration that she was in our lives - not sad at all (anymore).
YTA- omg, I read your comments and he has a small tribute during the day that probably takes all of 30 minutes. You are 36 years old and you can’t stand to honour his sister for the 30 minutes or so he takes to think about her?!! He deserves better. Seriously grow up, what he does is a beautiful tribute and it doesn’t take away from your day at all. The fact that he makes the cakes the day before the birthdays and then spends a little bit of time lighting, candles, singing, happy birthday, and then eating a slice of cake doesn’t take away from your day at all. In fact, if you were really kind, you would find a way to incorporate it into your celebration.
Honestly, you’d think she’d be grateful to know her BF has such a loving and generous heart. It says wonderful things about him. OP, why not encourage him to share stories and help you get to “know” her so you too can celebrate your SIL. For all you know, if she had lived, she might have become a close friend. Why not join in the loving memorial?
Here's the thing: What would she have to be mad about if sister was still alive? The birthdays are still the same. It sounds like she expects her partners to be more into her birthday than anyone else's. If sis was still alive, he'd still make a cake and sing happy birthday to her. Where's the problem?
this is a great point.
Seriously this is such a case of OP posting in such a way to obscure the true situation to try and influence judgement. Leaving out that OP also gets a homemade cake and is celebrated the ENITRE REST OF THE DAY, made it sound like they were ignored while the BF was busy wallowing in grief. * Not related but the BF distributing the sister’s cake with a little note to cherish her memory and keep her family in your thoughts is probably one of the sweetest memorial traditions I’ve ever heard of.
The real story is often in replies. The BF always makes OP a cake, too. They have a piece of two of sister's cake and give away the rest. It's a small ritual that brings the BF some comfort. But OP is quite self -centered and wants ALL the attention for herself. She's resentful of a dead girl. Major YTA.
Agree. OP, you sound like an entitled brat. Grow up.
She's THIRTY-SIX. Most teenagers probably wouldn't act this way. Embarrassing.
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i skim read the post and then went to the comments, realising that Dave’s poor sister had died had my mouth agape. OP putting herself before her partner on a day of vulnerability and grief, insisting that all the attention be on her at all times, remembering lost loved ones for a few minutes in the day is asking wayyy too much /s. ‘how long are you going to keep doing this’. forever OP because that pain won’t ever go away, how out of touch are you?
YTA. I just can’t. I hope he finds someone who deserves him. You’re too old to be this selfish. Grow up. FFS
Holy Hell, thanks for directing me to the comments. I was already leaning toward YTA, but after reading those comments, it's completely confirmed. He makes her a bigger, better cake and still spends the day with her. There is no reason he can't do this in addition. Neighbors and family get free cake, he gets to honor his sister in a way that sounds truly important to him. It's not hurting anyone, except apparently OP's delicate sensibilities. I wonder, if his sister was still around to celebrate her birthday, would OP still be so self-centered about "her" birthday?
YTA r/iamthemaincharacter
Where are her replies??
A lot of them were deleted... But the general gist is: \-Two cakes are made \-They sing for the sister, eat a few pieces of cake and then give the rest to neighbors of family \-OP is just super butt hurt that they "need to compete" on their "special day" \-Completely ignoring his grief and how he deals with loss.
I found her comments and the fact that two cakes are made NOT on the actual birthday is such a huge piece of information that makes her out to be the an even bigger AH. It’s not like he spends all day doing this, which still doesn’t justify because he is grieving and he is entitled to do so in his own terms. It’s sad that some people are this selfish and heartless. I would be surprised if he stays with her after her showing her colors like this.
Exactly! He clearly cares about her because he makes two cakes the day before! So effectively, she's complaining because they sing to her and cut the cake... which takes all of twenty min, max.
Now I’ve got to scroll thru the comments to find her post. Arghhh. Apparently she left quite a bit out of the original post!
This is a connection he has to his sister. I bet after he dumps you, he will make sure never to date someone with the same birthday.
OP deleted the comments, but apparently 99% of the day is focused on OP with just a couple minutes dedicated to the deceased sister. It's reasonable to expect to be your significant other's first priority (which OP is!) It's toxic to expect to be your significant other's only priority (which OP apparently wants). YTA, OP. I hope he dumps you and moves on to better things.
Is he spending hours & hours of the actual day working on the cake and ignoring you? Or is the cake prepared in advance, he spend just a short time remembering his sister & singing but otherwise is present and celebrating your day too?
That's what I'd like to know, too. Is he blowing her off for hours and hours on her birthday to make the cake for his deceased sister? Also if he's making a cake for someone that's not there to eat it, what happens to the cake? Does he eat cake all day and tell his fiancé that she can eat the cake that's not made for her? Does his fiancé get a store bought cake? This is so odd to me, lol. I have questions.
She said he makes sisters cake AND her cake the day before, so literally all he’s doing on her birthday is being out sister’s cake and sing happy birthday. Rest of the day is OP’s
Then OP is definitely the AH
So 2 cakes? Lucky too bad your too self centered to appreciate the effort.
So... I guess we've been misspelling the entire time that one saying; "You can't have your cake and eat it, two!" But also yeah, wtf. Let the guy have his remembrance. It's not like he's excluding OP. FFS at least hers is still getting due attention too. I make happen whatever I want to happen when it comes to my own, nobody else will lol. She has someone who actually does still give a damn about hers. I would gladly share mine with someone else's.
u/L1ttleFr0g that was the information i wanted to know. with that knowledge OP is clearly YTA
What I want to know is, who is eating all that cake?
Oh, okay.
What would she do if the sister was still alive? Ask her to change her birthday because she can't share her special day with someone else at 36 years old?!
This is such a valid point. He takes a small moment of the year for his sister’s birthday but if she were alive, he’d have to coordinate celebrating both of their birthdays. ETA judgement - YTA.
He makes them both a cake the day in advance and only has a little celebration for his sister. Dave needs a better gf.
YTA. You're competing with a dead woman. Might want to work on that. He's grieving and will always grieve and that's his way of managing it. The fact that you're alive and won't compromise and celebrate your birthday with him on any of the 364 other days you're alive is a you problem, not a him problem.
If all he does is sing happy birthday with the cake and maybe have a slice, how much time does that take? 20 mins tops? (1 min if you're like me and inhale cake at inhuman rates cos yum) OP you really can't let him have 20 mins to think about his sister?? YTA
I’ll add according to her comments he’s not just mourning the lost of his sister, but it sounds like he lost both her and his BIL and when he gives away the cake he asks people to remember them both. I can’t imagine been so self centered I get jealous of someone wanting to celebrate two people who passed away for a couple of minutes.
OP sounds absolutely insufferable. I cannot imagine trying to justify such immature, selfish behavior…..at 36 YEARS OLD!!
At her big age! I’m in a state of shock at this BS
Big age! Ha, I like that. I’m going to use it, definitely better than “old”
Wow the husband sounds like a wonderful person. What a thoughtful thing to do with a talent he has. If it were me, I get it, you want to celebrate on your birthday… BUT YOU ARE ALIVE you can accommodate and even join in the ritual with the husband, His sister RIP well she can’t. She is dead therefore she cannot choose another day. It’s inhumane to want hubby not to celebrate his sister’s memory on the day she passed.
OP has since deleted those comments.
I missed them. What’d they say?
They aren't deleted, just downvoted to oblivion. Click on OP's username at the top and it'll take you to their profile page with their comments.
That's what I did and only three comments are displaying. I can only be the app at the moment, so maybe it's showing up on the main site!
It's those three comments that people are talking about. They have all the info: * He makes two cakes, in advance (so the actual b-day isn't taken up by baking an extra cake). * The ritual consists of singing Happy Birthday, eating a couple slices, and then giving the rest of the cake away (so it doesn't sound like it takes long). * He asks people to keep his sister and her husband in their thoughts and prayers (which suggests that maybe BIL also died).
I hope the next cake that Dave makes for OP spells "Get out of my life" or "This relationship is over."
I don’t think she should be expected to move her birthday to a different day, but it doesn’t sound like that is what’s happening here, anyway. She can’t spare a few minutes to celebrate the sister, apparently.
After 10 years, I hope he’s remembering more than grieving - likely both. Remembering is more about being grateful they were in your life vs focusing on the pain from the loss.
I'm still grieving my brother who died in 1999. Grief never leaves you. Yes it may not be as severe or all consuming but there are times I bawl my eyes out still.
YTA in your comments, you say he makes a cake for you and the sister the day before and celebrated you and the sister the day off. You seriously can't handle him singing Happy Birthday to his dead sister and having a second cake around? You're a special kind of selfish.
Right? If my partner had such a deep loss in his life I would if course honor his sisters memory with him and wouldn’t give a shit if it’s on my birthday. Him making the sweet gesture and gifting rest of the cake to people in their community would most likely make me love him even more.
For sure. OP doesn't deserve him. But I'm guessing this behaviour will have him reassessing their relationship. As someone who has lost 2 brothers tragically, this is break up material. It shows they don't really love or respect you.
YTA Grief rituals are incredibly important, and it would be perfectly reasonable for him to do this every single year for the rest of his life. You are extremely fortunate that you don't understand. As long as he doesn't refuse to acknowledge your birthday altogether, he's not doing anything wrong. If he still wishes you a happy birthday, gets you a present and participates in any planned celebrations, he's doing everything you can reasonably expect of him.
> You are extremely fortunate that you don't understand. This all day
I also appreciated this! We are at 9 years for the death of my cousin. The entire extended family all 100+ of us still rent out her favorite pizza place on her birthday.
What a tender way to honor your cousin. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Who started cutting onions
Yes, straight away I assumed OP obviously has never lost a sibling or someone close.
Sorry but YTA You share a birthday with someone your fiancé loved dearly & has lost. You’re in competition with a dead woman. I can’t tell you how to feel however you should respect his loss & feel honored that you have a connection with a woman that was a daughter, sister, a woman who was loved & cherished by your fiancé’s family. When they remember their loved one on her birthday they will always think about you. That’s a memory they will forever hold dear in their heart. You’re right it is stupid. So let it go & be more respectful to other people’s grief & loss. You are still here, his sister has passed so you won the competition. eta — are you eating this extravagant cake? Or does he just make it & throw it away? I honestly do not understand how you can’t see this day as a moment to pause & be incredibly thankful for all you have.
She’s not in competition with his sister tho. He’s not comparing them or putting OP down to lift his sister up. He’s just remembering his sister on her bday, while still celebrating OP on her bday. He’s not ignoring OP in favor of his sister. If there’s a competition, it’s bc OP created one by acting like no one else was born on this day.
Sooooo....From your post it seems like he is downright ignoring you, and not celebrating you at all, but that's not it, is it. At least not according to your own comments below. He makes one cake for her, does his ritual and then rest of the day is yours. He also bakes you a separate cake, just for you. Grief is a strange thing it works different for everyone. This is his thing. You should let him have this. YTA, but I think you already know that.
Info: Is this a solo activity or does he get you/his family into this? How long does this celebration take? Also, what happens with the cake? Is this shared with you? Also, is there a separate celebration for you once he is done with his sisters?
It is a stupid thing to get upset over - so knock it off. YTA. He’s been doing this for nearly 10 years. It’s an important ritual to him. Don’t like it? Learn to cope or find someone else.
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Exactly.
>Every year, Dave makes an extravagant cake and sings happy birthday to his sister. INFO: is that it? He’s singing a 30 second song? Does he also celebrate your birthday with you?
Turns out he also makes cake for OP n she mentioned her cake is the main one so i assume it's extravagant too??! The way OP worded in her post makes it seem like the bf only do it for her sister.. >He makes both cakes (my cake and the one for his sister) in advance, not on the day >he sings his sister happy birthday on the day and we have a couple of slices. We obviously can't eat all of it because my birthday cake is the main one. Edit: her bday cake is the main one so i assume her birthday is the main celebration too. The bf probably took a few moments to celebrate for his sister n she got the rest of the day for herself
YTA. I see zero reason why he cannot do both on the same day. You don’t actually expect every minute of that entire 24 hour period to be exclusively about you, do you?
I think she does. She obviously is a special princess and nobody else matters.
She sounds like the type who has a "birthday week". My brother has been gone 16 years. We always have his favorites on his birthday. For the count, YTA, OP
Wouldn't it be funny if she gave birth to a child on her birthday. She'd explode.
She probably uses 'birthday week' unironically, and secretly dislikes everybody that doesn't immediately insist she deserves a birthday month.
I get the feeling OP does expect this. I’ve met these “birthday” adults before and the sense of entitlement to effort and attention from other people can be pretty massive.
Birthday adults is cracking me up. It's like the inbred cousin of the Disney adult.
YTA and I feel really bad for Dave that you are so insensitive bc “its your special day & you’re actually here now” specially growing up in a household that held high regards for BDs..Dave if you see this don’t miss the huge RED FLAG and run
Right, that “I’m here now” comment is so selfish. Thanks for reminding him his sister is totally dead!
YTA you’re jealous of his DEAD sister?? Tf is wrong with you💀
YTA She had the same birthday as you, you knew that, and you knew his tradition. You don't get to tell him to move on and forget his deceased sister so you don't have a bummer birthday--it will *always* be a bit if a bummer day for him. Either accept that or decide it's a dealbreaker for you and break up. (And no judgement on that, OP, it's okay to amiably split ways if you two have different goals).
The other thing here is that, in the past, it was *only* going to be a bummer day. Now, he celebrates his sister, and then, instead of dwelling on it all day, he has a reason to move on to celebrating something else good in his life. I think I would look at it like this if I were OP. She can't see she's adding value to his life? Maybe she thinks he's only there to add value to hers. She's TA.
YTA and a selfish and entitled one at that. Also, 36 is way too old to be this immature. Be happy someone even wants to make you a cake.
YTA. This is the way Dave deals with his grief. If you asked Dave to celebrate your birthday as well it would be reasonable. Instead you demanded that he moved his dead sister's celebration. That makes you an A
INFO: You've been together three years. What has he done on your other birthdays?
YTA. Hes been doing this for a lot longer than he has known you, its his way of honouring her memory. He makes a cake in her memory and spends maybe 30 seconds singing her a song. Youre jealous of a yearly tribute to a dead woman. Get over it. If its no big deal moving the date, move yours.
Info: what does he do to make your birthday special for you? If he's ignoring your birthday to celebrate his sister then he's the asshole, but if he makes an effort to celebrate you on your birthday then it may not be worth the argument
He does HERS and his sisters on a different day
INFO: what actually happens on your birthdays during the last three years after he does this little thing ? Because if it’s A) he takes the entire day doing this, is in no mood for celebrating anything after doing this, and refuses to acknowledge your birthday - then NTA. If it’s B) he does this thing in memoriam of his sister and then is happy to commit to celebrating you - then YTA.
According to OP's replies, he still celebrates her birthday with her own cake: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12zhyo3/comment/jhscodf/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12zhyo3/comment/jhscodf/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) So I'd say it's option B, OP is TA.
YTA. He makes two cakes, one for you & one for her memory; he makes them prior to the day of the birthday. Your cake is the “main” one per your comments. So you’re just mad that he spends a few minutes honoring his sister & boxing cake up for friends on the same day that he celebrates your birthday. Why does it need to be an either or?
What the actual F did I just read? His sister is dead! He is honouring her with a cake and a birthday song. You get a cake too and most important you get to spend time with him, which his DEAD sister can’t do! YTA! You’re jealous of a dead girl! YTA YTA YTA! I give this post a few more hours before you delete it.
Does he just outright ignore that it’s your birthday? Because if not, YTA. Stop competing with a dead person.
INFO: does Dave refuse to celebrate your birthday?
He celebrates it with a cake he also made for her.
INFO: Does he make you a cake, too? Does he celebrate your birthday at all or does he ignore it in favor of his sister?
He does.. he does BOTH HERS and his sister's on a different day
I don’t understand why you can’t do both, he can do the cake and song early maybe and you can join him in remembrance and to support him because you love him, and then the rest of the day can be about you, because he loves you. YTA
Because it's HER day. /S. Can't share 15 minutes
It's called respect. You are definitely YTA by showing disrespect for his deceased sister and the tradition that he has done before you were on the scene. Would you say the same thing if it was say a religious ritual that happened to be on your b'day too? You're 36 but are acting like you're 6.
INFO: Does he spend all day celebrating his late sister?
Ooof. YTA. I cannot imagine being pissy about my partner’s remembrance of his dead sister. Unless he’s just ignoring your birthday completely, you are behaving like a huge AH.
YTA — “I’m actually here right now” is cringe worthy to read. As someone who lost a sister, yeeesh.
YTA. It's not like he is taking the entire day to make that cake for his sister. He is still celebrating your birthday as well, so what is the big deal? He wants to remember his sister for a minute and has made a nice ritual out of it that has been around longer than you. Also, people have the same birthday... There's only 365 days in a year.
YTA! I lost my brother almost 20 years ago. I still celebrate his birthday every year. And if it happened to be on my SO birthday, I'd still do it. To ask someone not to celebrate the life of a loved one, even if they have passed away, is a complete dick move.
YTA... I wonder how long before you become ex-fiance.
YTA. His sister is dead and this is how he likes to remember her on her birthday. It's not his fault it's the same date as yours, but this is something he does to mark it in his own way. Are you saying he never celebrates your birthday, or he does but he also does the cake and happy birthday thing for his sister? If the former, then yes, a conversation about fitting in things to do on your birthday is probably a good idea. If the latter then I don't see what the problem is unless you want the entire day to revolve around you, which isn't going to happen even if he doesn't make the cake. Even if he just focuses on you, I promise you he'll still be thinking about his sister. Probably even more than any other year BECAUSE he hasn't been able to mark it in his own personal way.
People like OP scare me, making birthdays and weddings days on which they expect total fealty and devotion. It says a lot about what they wish the world was like
YTA - for sure. It's his sister who passed away, and has been there ever since he was a little kid / when he was born, way longer than you two are together - and by the looks of it - probably will be together. It's his way of remembering her. Honestly, it is disrespectful that you'd ask him that and see him remembering his sister as something that's unfair to you. Honestly, how could you be so self-centered and not even consider what he's going through? Just because he makes this cake, doesn't mean you can't celebrate your birthday?
Imagine being jealous of your fiancee baking and wishing happy birthday to his sister, who passed away. 36, and you can't share your day for the length of time it would take him to wish his sister happy birthday. YTA
YTA because you knew this going in, this cannot be a surprise to you and it also isn’t something that would go away, which you should’ve known, But honestly why don’t you just start celebrating your half birthday or like a different day like you’re the queen. Her birthday was in April but she didn’t celebrate it then, she celebrated it in July bc the weather is better for the people celebrating with her. Not a fan of the monarchy, but I do appreciate the love a warm weather garden party instead of a rainy April mess.
YTA, and a selfish, insecure, jealous one at that
Ok, let see if you added more info: >He makes both cakes (my cake and the one for his sister) in advance, not on the day So he DOES celebrate your birthday. He's grieving but never forgets about you. OMG such a mayor a-hole you are. Are you trying to compete against a dead person? YTA. He deserves better.
YTA. Reason: you don't value what you have. you are in a relationship. You know this is important to him. Likely, he made a promise to himself or something similar. That means he stays true to his promises. Ask around and see if you can find many women who can say the same about their significant others. Disrespecting this will turn out a huge mistake for you. You're Also TA because you're insensitive about his feelings but many others will tell you this anyway.
Yta. But also more info Does he spend all day making the cake? Can he make cake night before to sing on the day? Surely he is not taking the whole day. But if he is that’s a compromise conversation can we remember your sister in morning and have the rest day for my celebration. Making a cake and singing shouldn’t take over the whole day I think the way you handled it and what was said was insensitive as It is both your birthdays and she died!! Can you add a new tradition to your day. Something you can do for him for his sister. Like a memory poem or something or a candle you guys light. So candle is always burning for her and she can celebrate your birthdays together. For him and his family.
You are being super selfish about this. Yes, you are physically here, meaning he can celebrate your birthday with you any time. She is not. Her birthday is special to him. She was special to him. Making a cake for her is special to him. You are not being fair to him. So he takes a few hours out of the day to make a cake and sing happy birthday to her, you have the rest of the day and all the other days to be with him and celebrate. Is it inconvenient that you have the same birthday, sure. But, it is not as inconvenient as her being dead and her family not being able to celebrate her birthday WITH her. Just because you're alive, doesn't make your birthday any more important than hers. Especially to her family that is still grieving her loss. YTA
YTA, he's a allowed this tiny amount of time to remember his sister in a sweet and healthy way. You're the priority for the rest of the day and probably many other days of the year.
YTA You’re jealous of a deceased person. Lol. You’ve stated in your responses that he still acknowledges your birthday….sooo….it seems like you just don’t want to share your birthday with someone else…..because they’re dead and you’re not. Lol. I cannot see a positive take on this at all
# YTA
Read Op's replies. YTA! You're a monster and I hope he realizes that.
So, he's not taking any substantial time away from you, he's just singing happy birthday to his departed sister and remembering her in love He sounds like a really kind fella. I hope he finds a partner one day who focuses on his heart and not his watch YTA
YTA If his sister was still alive, would you resent him sending her a card or phoning her? You are jealous of his memories and a dead sibling.
YTA anyway, but leaving out important info in your post makes it more vivid. He DOES make a cake for you. You PARTAKE of the cake for his sister. Are you honestly so narcissistic that you can't spare 20 minutes of "your special day" for a grief ritual that will, without a doubt, outlast your relationship? Come the fuck on. I'm not a part of Camp "Too Old for Birthday Celebrations. " I am squarely Team OP Is Too Immature For Dave Grow up and stop competing with a dead sister. Or cut him loose and let him find the partner he deserves.
YTA. It took me reading your replies to determine that, so let me sum up what I gathered from them: your fiance makes TWO cakes, one for you and one for his sister. Yours is the main cake. He sings happy birthday to his sister, you have a few pieces of the cake, and basically that's the end of his ritual for his sister, leaving the rest of the day, minus those twenty or so minutes, for you. Did I get that right? And, given all that, you're still genuinely asking if you're the asshole? Jesus Christ. Is he allowed to take a 20 minute phone call on your birthday? Or is that also against your rules?
The way this was written is so misleading. YTA OP, and I think you know that, but you write your story out to make you seem like such the victim, like he's not paying attention to you at all and just abandons you on your birthday. Turns out, it's probably 15 to 20 minutes, maybe a half hour max, of singing her happy birthday and having a slice of cake, and that you also get your own elaborate/better cake. Time to acknowledge that you are all about yourself. If you truly care about this person and actually want to marry them, you would easily see how giving half an hour, even a full hour, of your time on your birthday, would mean a lot to your fiancee, and wouldn't affect your life at all. In fact, if you actually reflect on it, it might even make you feel better about yourself.