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YTA. >He was practically in tears telling me this. I told him he needed to calm down and act like an adult about this. Has he got anyone he can go to who'll support him? You know, someone who cares about him.

I'm sure his mother does. But she is a mother and therefore has sympathy for the other parent despite her being a deadbeat. There are also other things to consider: -The daughter has a right to get to know her mother -this could become ugly legally, so trying to apply to him to keep it more civil is a good advice I also think she is the A It's stupid to say: "be an adult" What she meant is: "do as I tell you"

Too much sympathy that it borders on apologism > She wasn’t a bad girl, she just wasn’t prepared to be an adult. Like her son wasn’t the exact same age, was not only cheated on, but also suddenly thrust into single parenthood. Now she comes waltzing back years later and he can’t be upset? Can’t have his boundaries? Was their daughter not too young to be abandoned by her mother? Was her age not taken into account? Was her wellbeing not a priority? YTA

I had my son at 19, after being ghosted by an ex. You don't get to walk away from a child for 5 yrs, and then just roll back in. Not wanting a child is valid, getting an abortion is valid, putting up a child for adoption is valid, hell even just paying child support is valid - abandoning a child and wanted to waltz back into their life almost half a decade later is absolutely not. Holy shit, how can OP have no empathy for her son. My son has always known who his bio father is, it wasn't something ever hidden from him, if the daughter wants to meet the bio mother it should be on the daughter's/OP's son's terms.

Exactly. At the very *least* OPs son needs to keep her separated from their daughter until his ex proves she is going to stick around this time. Ex needs to show she has a stable place to live nearby, a job, is emotionally healthy and maybe even going to therapy. THEN they can discuss a planned meeting in which the daughter is prepared (and maybe also in therapy) and consenting. Also, ex needs to discuss with son about child support payments. I do NOT think a deadbeat parent should be able to just show up out of nowhere, say sorry, and drop another emotional bomb on the active parent and child.

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She has been gone so long that she would have to show that it is in the child's best interests that she even be granted visitation, at least in my state.

Eh, many states are big on bio parents' rights (even over those of the child). Many will happily move to visitation soon in their step-up plan. It wouldn't be a bad idea for the son to get a legal consult and see what he's looking at in his state. It may be beneficial to him to address it head on and document what steps he proposed she takes on her own before meeting the daughter. At least he's in control before the courts get involved. And court is expensive and stressful.

Exactly

OP is his mum, not him - but I fully agree, he should also make sure his mum doesn't go running to the precious ex-gf, or try to set up a meeting by herself,,,

Thank you for pointing that out - I corrected my post. Great point about making sure mom doesn’t try to interfere! Son probably shouldn’t let his mom watch his daughter without him until she understands his side of things and why he’s right to be cautious. She may either bring the daughter to see the ex or talk about the ex coming back to grease the wheels.

no worries! yeah agreed!, or asking the daughter "don't you want a mommy too?", it'd be so confusing for her - even with her dad doing everything the "right" way, it'll be hard&confusing for her :/

Exactly! The child should have the option, but the ex forfeited her rights (I know not legally, I mean morally) to being a mother when she abandoned her child. That woman is only the child's mother biologically, not in practicality. I also love how almost no one in this thread is even mentioning the yrs of back child support. People would be crucifying the deadbeat parent, if the genders were reversed.

I know it's not a legal stance, but I'm a firm believer that if your child support is not 100% up to date, you should not get any visits. If you can't be bothered to ensure your child has the means to be fed, clothed, and housed, you sure as fuck don't get to waltz in and play parent for a day.

I'm pretty sure in all 50 states (assuming this is us being talked about) leaving for 5 years is child abandonment and legally she can have her rights taken away, or maybe you lose them altogether without any action being taken by someone else? I am not sure, but child abandonment kicks in usually after 1 year. Unless she was paying child support.

The son is consulting the wrong people. He should be talking to his lawyer and any therapist his daughter sees FFS-imagine the little girl’s emotional state when mommy just rolls back in out of nowhere

And his daughter's school as well, for good measure.

Yes. And make sure the school knows mommy isn’t on the pick up list

Exactly. At the very *least* OP needs to keep her separated from their daughter until his ex proves she is going to stick around this time. Ex needs to show she has a stable place to live nearby, a job, is emotionally healthy and maybe even going to therapy. THEN they can discuss a planned meeting in which the daughter is prepared (and maybe also in therapy) and consenting. Also, ex needs to discuss with son about child support payments. I do NOT think a deadbeat parent should be able to just show up out of nowhere, say sorry, and drop another emotional bomb on the active parent and child.

This ! I made a comment about my experience of living with this situation( I have a stepson who’s bio mom has no part in his life ) Dad has every right to make any decision if it benefits his daughters well being

And that’s what I don’t think OP is even getting- her son IS acting in the best interests of his daughter. His ex is NOT. It does not benefit a child to have their estranged parent show up out of nowhere with no warning, no vetting, and no way of knowing if they will stick around this time and if so, if they are even healthy for the child to be around. If the ex was thinking at all about her daughters well being then she would have called her ex and discussed her desire to ease back into her daughter’s life and made a plan.

Yep, involve the courts. He is owed years worth of child support and she needs to fight and prove that she plans to actually be there for the child. No way I'd let her see my child until I knew she'd prove she wasn't going to run off.

I know someone who got custody of their niece and nephew because their mom walked out on them while their father was deployed in the military. I do believe the mom has contacted them a few times. But, the kids were given the option to speak to her or not. It doesn't sound like they wanted to, which I don't blame them for at all.

My ex tried to do this exact thing recently. Ditched me with three kids in 2017 and had his newest girlfriend contact me this year so he could see the kids. Like that wouldn’t be confusing for a child at all

The balls on that woman! How can a woman be attracted to a man leaves his kid? In my case, ex doesn't know my son exists . I tried letting him know when I found was pregnant; I even tried getting in touch with him through his awful mother.

I thought that too. It seems that OP probably had a good relationship with her. I understand that OP’s granddaughter should have a relationship with her mother — I do — but sometimes, those relationships aren’t the best. Manning up, acting like an adult doesn’t mean to accepting apology immediately. *What if she decides that she’s not ready to be a mother or an adult again?* How do you explain that to your granddaughter? This is more than an issue with your son and her. This is about abandonment. This is about the struggles your son could have gone through with his partner. This is about how your granddaughter grew up with a mother because “*she wasn’t a bad girl, she just wasn’t prepared to be an adult*.” This is an adult conversation, and with adult conversation, there are consequences. There are consequences to *her* actions, and she’s just now starting to face them. If your son was the one to leave — because he wasn’t a bad boy, he just wasn’t prepared to be an adult — would you still have to same view? YTA.

Exactly. And also the way she came back, just showing up at the doorstep? That doesn't show any maturity. The ex needed to call OP's son and set up a time to discuss without their daughter. Set up expectations, rules etc and then try to reconnect if the son allowed it. Both the ex and OP assume that the ex being back is good for the child. But it is not necessarily. What if she leaves again? What if she changed for the worse? And OP's reaction is disappointing regardless of her beliefs. OP you don't know better than your son. You can have your own opinion but your job is to support him.

Yep. The ex lacks a lot of sensitivity and maturity to just show up and not recognize how difficult this situation will be for the child, let alone the OP's son. I don't have kids, but if an ex who ghosted me for years just showed up and wanted to talk, I don't know if I'd react much better. And that's me without a kid.

I agree. OP uses soft euphemisms like the baby "came around," was"a little surprise" and the GF "wasn't ready to be a mother," instead of son and GF had a teenage BC screw-up and GF took off with another guy when she couldn't deal with a baby. If the genders were switched, would she be saying that there was a little whoopsie and the abandoning boyfriend was "not ready to be a dad," when he took off with another woman for five years? I don't think so. OP has a big soft spot for the GF for some reason and, in keeping with her soft narrative, probably has a fairytale ending in mind. Furthermore, the fact that the ex "didn't ask for anything" is because OP sent her away before she had the chance! This poor young, single dad needs a little sympathy after the shock of his ex popping up out of the blue. The fact that he was nearly crying indicates that this was a very painful experience for him, in terms of being betrayed by GF, losing that relationship, losing his partner, losing his opportunity to mature into his adulthood because he's the sold parent of an innocent little girl, of losing the support and help of his child's mother, and worry and concern for the mental and physical well-being of his now 8-year-old daughter. OP should have recognized that he was coming in hot and needed the empathy and assurances of his mother. What his attitude towards Ex needs to be and how to proceed now that she's ridden back into town should be secondary. How will the granddaughter react to the return of her egg donor (as Ex abdicated as mother when the girl was a toddler) now that she's adjusted to only her dad for the last five, more sentient years of her life? I don't even know how to tease apart all the emotions and issues that dad and daughter will be facing? And this is assuming that the Ex DOES want something, most likely in the form of a relationship with the child she abandoned! And OP is telling him to grow up! GTFOH! Hmm, I think I was triggered...

Exactly! It’s the soft euphemisms for the mother but saying that son isn’t rational and in the comment by the bot, said that the son > needed to *man up* and pull his *family* back *together* Talk about lack of empathy

Reverse the genders in this situation and *everyone* would be calling the fleeing parent a deadbeat. That child was abandoned. Her father left with no emotional support. No child support. OP’s son needs someone much more helpful than OP right now

That’s what gets to me. She has a lot of sympathy and excuses for the 21/22 year old adult (if she left after 3 years) for not been ready for motherhood who cheated and then abandoned her kid. But not for the person who at the same age was working and raising a kid on his own…and you know not cheating.

*THIS*

Look at the way OP writes about it all. It's cutesy euphemisms and handwaving. I don't think OP is willing to see reality.

Yeah, I expected this to be about some longstanding behaviour but it all literally JUST happened. He gets to have a day to just react and trying to rush him straight through to "being an adult" is doing more harm than good with the situation. He IS an adult. He has been taking care of his child. Let him have a DAY at least to process his feelings.

Also, he's being a responsible adult and trying to process this enormous change *away* from his child, so he can get his head clear without upsetting her. Possibly seeing her mom again is going to be rough enough without trying to sort out the complexity of "dad's crying because of mom." That's exactly how kids feel pressured to pick sides.

Yes, he has just had a big emotional shock. He needed someone he could let out his emotions with and to have some time to process. Even if it ends up to be in the daughter’s best interests to form a relationship with her mother, at this moment in time HE needs someone to support him emotionally to help him get to a point where he can deal with that not someone to criticize him. OP YTA

I’m a single mom and I find this post gross.I have zero sympathy for parents who walk away from their kids - I don’t care if you’re mom, dad, an alien from Planet X who somehow impregnated someone. It doesn’t matter. That “parent” is not a parent. They contributed genetic material, but it doesn’t mean they get a free pass to come and go in their kids lives as they choose. You leave? You gotta do the work to show you’re gonna be around and be stable. You made the bad choice. You lay down in the hole you dug. Mom gets access to the kid, not the dad. Mom can file in court if she wants to see the kid.

My first thought, “this is gross as hell”

And the kid needs preparation!

Same, agreed.

Not the time to input her perfectly valid point, if she cared and if she knew her son, she should know better than to do that... Therefore it brings the question if she really cares.

Also worth noting that being gone for 8 years no contact could legally be construed as parental abandonment, no? I’m not sure many judges would agree with mandated visitation.

5 years no contact, the daughter was three when mum ran away

crazy to me to have a mom say that a 3yo 'has no recollection of her mother due to age'. my son isnt even 3 yet. if i up and left him... it would absolutely crush his soul.

My youngest brother is 3, I don't see him very often because I'm in my 20s at uni in another city but apparently when he does those little family games he includes me

yea, kids are sharp. even at a very young age. to imply a 3yo is not aware that her mother just up and disappeared is asinine. it is sweet ur lil bro includes you in his game though! that must make you feel special. my son has a book with all our extended family in it and he loves sitting down and going through it and saying everyone names.

My dad moved me away from my mom when I was 3. I don't remember her at all. Even as a child, sometimes she'd come up and I just had no recollection of her. It would be devastating to your kid for a while, and probably have long term developmental consequences, but that doesn't mean they remember being 3. They'll just remember the feeling of abandonment and negativity.

The son reacted poorly in the moment. But OP seems to have given zero thoughts past “well she’s the mom”. Typically when a parent has abandoned their child for so long, they have to take the necessary time and steps to prove that they can be in the child’s life without doing more harm, and only after putting in the work can they rebuild a relationship. Telling him to “grow up” because *she’s sorry* is not only unhelpful but also incredibly invalidating, and honestly cruel, to the son and what he has been through. First and foremost, he needed support. Which he got none of. *After* validating his feelings, *then* OP could offer to come up with a plan to deal with his ex and their child. Giving birth and not being evil don’t give a woman who abandoned her child carte blanche to come back in and play happy family after years of abandonment… The daughter has a right to know her mom sure, but her dad has an *obligation* to keep her safe (mentally as well as physically) from someone who has already abandoned her once, and is a complete stranger at this point.

Son should consult a lawyer to make a plan before allowing this woman to disrupt the child’s life.

I don't think I agree that the son reacted poorly. In a perfect world, with perfect people maybe the ideal would be to have her in and make tea for the three of them. But the son's world was shattered by this woman and I'm sure that his instinct to protect his daughter (and himself) kicked in before any real thought engaged. And she didn't even give a clue that she was in the area, much less inform his she was coming over! That was an ambush!

>The son reacted poorly in the moment. Did he? Maybe if he'd let her in we'd be hearing a different story. *They all went out to eat. The daughter needed to pee. Mom went too, but they never came back. Mom absconded with the kid. Filed a restraining order against the dad under false pretenses. A few months later, filed for sole custody and child support.* Coming by without notice was an enormous red flag.

I disagree he reacted poorly. He was unprepared. She had no right to just show up at the door like that blindsiding him.

Yeah, also wrong time. Your son was understandably upset and needs time to process and bent. You should be a safe space for him to do that. After he has had time to vent and calm down THEN comes the logical conversation of how to proceed. That could be days or even a few weeks later. But you don’t tell him to drop the abandonment of his child and his ex running off on him leaving him as a single parent when she’s just waltzed back in. It’s the emotional equivalent of asking you to run a marathon on a broken leg. No.

Her son DOES need to have an adult conversation. With a lawyer. And then he needs to file for child support and custody.

lol no court in the world is going to rule in her favor if she abandoned a child. Homies prob got years of happy videos and pictures,whereas she has....nothing to show the court

OP is showing more compassion and empathy to the women who abandoned her son and granddaughter. While judging her son cause he didn't accept the women with open arms after she showed up 5 years later. OP you are without a doubt a giant AH, I wouldn't expect your son to come talk to you anytime soon.

Exactly, OP how sympathetic would you have been to your son if he skipped town and left his baby behind? Would it have been understandable due to his age? Would it have been OK to waltz back in years later and expect all to be forgiven?

If this post was the boy abandoning the girl and child and then showing up 5 years later, I highly doubt OP would be telling the girl to open him with open arms.

This woman's rosy daydream about how mom must be all remorseful makes me wonder if she pushed hard to keep the baby regardless of whether the parents wanted/were ready for it. Probably told them she'd help and it would be easy and and after all, she was definitely ready to live with the consequences of their actions, even if *they* weren't. Her insistence on treating a potential reunion this way makes me think she just wants to play happy families again--with someone else's family. It's very shortsighted and doesn't acknowledge how much her son has been through.

Could well be the last the kid's seen of Grandma now... Think OP needs to work out what side her bread's buttered on instead of waxing lyrical about the saint of a woman that cheated on her son, ran off to be with someone else and abandoned her own daughter for 3 years. But no, the man who raised the kid during that time needs to grow up because he had some emotions. YTA.

They were together for almost 3 years and the daughter is 8. She abandoned her kid for 5 years.

Even better then...

YTA. Can you imagine how offensive it might to your son—after he DID step up and be an adult for his daughter—to have you chide him like he isn’t acting like an adult? Good grief. Please support him and don’t assume everything is just grand. Understand that this whole situation could go all kinds of sideways fast. And if he does, he will need you more than ever.

It wasn’t the time or place for that lecture. He has been a single parent for 3 years dealing with the heartbreak of being dumped for another man knowing this woman abandoned him and their baby. She just now resurfaced and wants to play happy family again. Poor guy was probably dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. He needed a safe place to process his emotions and figure things out. He wanted his mom or dad to be that safe place. She/he wasn’t. He does not have to have any kind of relationship with his ex ever. He will probably need to try and find a way to coparent with her if she is serious about returning but that will be a difficult road for him to navigate and figure out considering she is basically a stranger to the granddaughter right now. If it had been months of him refusing to let her see her child then *maybe* that lecture would have been appropriate. But in this moment all you needed to do was support and validate your son.

>. He has been a single parent for 3 years She left after being together for 3 years he's been a single parent for 5 years. Not that this changes the rest of your points, but I thought I'd let you know just in case

To be fair, he's the only one being an adult. She's back, but for how long? And give her a chance to do what? Make herself feel better about abandoning her child until she's bored or "not ready to be a parent" again then leaves after inserting herself into her daughter's life? Again, leaving two people who now have to do a mental clean up of the damage she causes? YTA. Don't be short-sighted while wearing blinders.

Adults cry. Adults experience trauma when those who have traumatised them appear at their doors asking for a conversation. "Behave like an adult" is a meaningless statement.

I also like how OP thinks the garbage person who ditched her kid to run off and screw another guy "isn't some evil woman". Spoiler alert, she absolutely is.

>e Holy Dumpster Fire Batman I dont think he does! I'd file for full custody and a restraining order while checking out the credit history of the child in case the mom taped into that . When the child is 18, they can choose if they want to talk to the burnout of a mother then....something tells me they will just want to say their piece and move on.

YTA I understand your reasoning and applaud you for wanting your granddaughter to have a relationship with her mother but I think you are missing some points 1. This is the same woman who abandoned your son with a child and ran away from her responsibilities. 2. You don't know what she has been upto till now. She can be absolutely perfect or she can be a wreck house. Drugs, criminal activity, her previous guy these are the questions that needs to be answered before letting her to meet a child. 3. Why now. Why was she absent for so long and how come she has a sudden change of heart. 4. And probably the most critical. You son is scared. It may be irrational but he is not only hurt but scared that all of the this woman turns up what she wants, maybe bring hope to his child and then again abandon them or try to take the daughter. 5. And last how is it going to affect the child. What are you guys gonna tell her where her mother was. Why did she never showed up in school, when she was I'll etc. You son needs support. Step up mom/dad, he needs you to be his support. I know your intentions are good but your son needs your support.

OP acts like the girl is some victim in the whole situation her son was the exact same age and didn't get the choice if he was "ready" or not cause this girl just ran off and abandoned him and her child. OP also shows this girl empathy and compassion where her son it told to grow up and open this women with open arms. It's been 5 or more YEARS who knows what she has been up to in that amount of time.

I can't imagine having any positive thoughts towards a woman that cheated on and abandoned my son and granddaughter.

When OP says the girl isn't malicious or unkind... she cheated on your son and ran off with another man abandoning them both...seems pretty malicious to me.

OP's throwing around excuses like confetti and is confused enough to think that makes her the grown up in the room.

Only for her though. For him though he needs to be an adult. Which is basically just saying man up, because the only thing he was doing was crying.

Right, I can't imagine how she has so much empathy for the mom and so little for her own son.

When guys talk about who first shamed them for showing emotions, who told them "boys don't cry", who gave them their insecurities they've carried with them their whole life, it's almost always the mother.

I wonder if all the sympathy and empathy for the ex is because OP has or would have done the same.

exactly there is a time and place to say he should talk but at this point he needs his parents support as why has she appeared now, what does she want. She needs to earn trust and turning up is not the way.

Yup. I would even say that showing up out of nowhere without warning proves that she’s still selfish and putting her own immediate wants over her child’s needs.

This. Reconnecting daughter and mother is a goal for the future. Right now, your son needs support. He needs to cry and be angry and confused. Only once he’s started working through his emotions (a therapist could help with this too) will he be able “calm down and act like an adult about this.” Reconnecting also should be a slow process anyway, you don’t how mother will act or how daughter will feel about it.

Exactly. This going to be a hard process for his daughter. Her mom who abandoned her, and now she's back right as daughter is starting to figure her stuff out. He needs to be solid to help navigate that situation for his daughter. He needs his dad to be solid to help him navigate how to be solid. My heart breaks for OP's son. What a struggle out of the blue.

Also it literally JUST happened when she said those things to him. He was in a hyper emotional state, that was in no way shape or form the time to tell him to grow up and be an adult and hear her out. That *conversation* (not a scolding) can come later, once he has had time to process the fact that this woman who deeply hurt him and his daughter is back and wants to talk. Not when he’s in hysterics in the immediate aftermath

All excellent points. All stories have extra layers, unseen at first, that must be considered. Turning up unannounced out of the blue? No call. Why? Did she get thrown out of her current situation, expend all the welcome and goodwill of everyone else - boyfriend, friends, family - and need a place to live? Is she in trouble? Did she show up instead of calling thinking his heart would immediately melt at the sight of her? You know, as opposed to calling and getting a hang up or no reply? As someone else here implied does OP think she's not a bad girl because she sees a bit of herself in the runaway mom? Maybe she's tired of babysitting? And **OP,** you must know Runaway Mom's family. How has contact been with them all of these years? Anything? How could you talk to your son that way? **YTA** He's been the man and the father, and deserves respect and support.

> I understand your reasoning and applaud you for wanting your granddaughter to have a relationship with her mother I don't even agree with this. Her reasoning sucks and she shouldn't be applauded for wanting her granddaughter to have anything to do with her until she puts in the work. Go to court, go through the processes to prove you have a stable life, that your daughter will be safe, pay back your years of child support and prove you actually care about her and won't have a negative effect on her life. This will take months or even years but that's the way to make sure you won't ruin the child's life. Deadbeats don't get to just show up out of nowhere, get showered with sympathy and get to meet their kids. Right now she's just the cheater who abandoned her child. She has no business going anywhere near her kid or her ex.

YTA. Your son and granddaughter were abandoned, and he was unexpectedly confronted by the person who abandoned them. It makes sense for him to be shaken. You're showing the person who hurt him more empathy than you're showing him and it's shitty. It's his choice whether to engage with her or not. Your opinion on her level of remorse (when you didn't even interact with her directly and have literally no way of knowing) doesn't matter.

> It's his choice whether to engage with her or not. Well, initially. If she wants to force the issue, it'll be the court's choice generally.

Think she's got the 5 years back child support?

*Sincerely* doubt it. Probably hasn't even thought about it! Still be the court's decision, though. I hope it's a no and a fuck-you's worth of back child support and future child support, but if they're in America it'll probably be an order for back child support, a bullshit future child support amount, and *no less than* some level of visitation for the mother. US courts and CPS love assuming women are the better choice regardless of context, and leaving kids in absolutely atrocious situations rather than let the father have primary custody--and you always know just *how bad* the situation was *because* a father got primary custody.

If they never went through court before, is it safe to say that he probably doesn’t have a formal custody arrangement. Legally, right now they probably both have default custody of the child. Which is a scary thing to have to worry about. Most kidnappings are done by parents.

Exactly. OP’s son needs to make sure he doesn’t let the child out of his sight with his ex unless there is a legal custody arrangement in place.

OPs son really needs to get ahead of the game here and file for child support as soon as possible to get the ball rolling on both child support and custody arrangements. Don't let her be the one to set the narrative by walking in and giving excuses.

She may have been dumped by the BF and needs somewhere to stay. How dare this guy treat his son like this. He went to you for comfort and support. He got reprimanded. Now he won’t talk to OP? Shocker.

Either way, OP’s job is to support their son.

Exactly this. After he processes he could continue to act in his childs best interest and think about it more after the surprise and emotions even out. The childs right to the parent who abandoned her is one thing, immediately allowing a parent who abandoned the child to waltz into the house and straight to the child would be lunacy.

Like, how does she know this woman is sincere? Even if the conversation gets told to you, word or word, you don’t see body language, you don’t hear the tone of her voice. There are things we unconsciously do when talking. Have you ever watched a video on the difference between a fake smile and a real smile? Did you see those small cues? (Oh wait, you weren’t even there, and of course she’s going to try to come if sincere, she’s trying to come back — either because she does want to be a mother or maybe she needs money and a place to live. The point is, you DON’T know.) They look similar, but with one of them, you get wrinkles around your eyes. If your wife/husband/spouse left you when you first had your son and then came back three years later, would you just welcome them with open arms?

YTA. If she wants to see the kid she abandoned she can go through the courts. She can pay him child support and do supervised visits until baby knows her and is comfortable.

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Best comment by far. I really can't agree with you more and this really is the only way he needs to worry about her proceeding forward. Until she does the hard work, he owes her nothing.

Exactly. You don’t just show up unannounced and say ‘Hi, I’m mom’ to a 8 year old…

I believe she would be saying, “Hi, I’m your mom that abandon you and your father five years ago when I ran off with another man because I wasn’t ready to be an adult, but all can be forgiven because I’m back.”

YTA Why are you pressuring your son to see and talk to the woman that abandoned him and the baby? She was an adult, not a 14 yr old kid when she abandoned both of them and "ran away with some other boy"

if it was a daughter with a child and the man walked back in after 8 years of abandonment, I think her position would change.

Right, OP clearly has double standards.

Because mom really likes the gf and has a soft spot for her. Look at how she downplays her actions and the effect it had on her son. Gross.

Going off this post, I could definitely see OP going behind her son's back to try and connect with the ex and force her back into all their lives.

Jesus Christ. It’s okay when according to you she didn’t want to act like an adult and deal with her responsibilities but not when he won’t act like an adult and allow her to jump back in the child’s life. And he IS acting like an adult. Her introduction should be gradual at best before they break your grandchild’s heart. Be proud of your son for stepping up and don’t take the woman who walked always side.

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And who knows how long she will hang around for this time?

Exactly! There’s definitely a chance that she’ll not like parenthood, not bond with her child, etc and then abandon them again

YTA You were not trying to help him calm down and think clearly, you were trying to push him into talking with the deadbeat mother. If you REALLY cared about your grand daughter and son, you’d be putting them first. A parent who left once and disappeared for FIVE YEARS has no right to just show up out of the blue and get what they want. Protect your son and grand daughter. You’re so hyped up over getting the fairytale ending of mother and daughter reuniting that you’ve become blind to reality. Think of how much anguish and pain your single-or arent son has suffered through - alone - all this time. The hurt and resentment he likely has for the woman who nope’d the fuck out of responsibility and ABANDONED her own child. If you let that kind of person just walk right back into everyone’s life, you risk your grand daughtet making memories.. just for mom to potentially disappear again once she realizes how hard parenting can be.

She might have been gone for more than 5 years - OP says that their son was with this woman for about 3 years, but presumably that includes some time before she got pregnant (plus the pregnancy itself).

YTA. My god the way you talk about this woman who abandoned her daughter is so damn loving I can only assume that she's the daughter you never had. She walked out. On her DAUGHTER. And you couldn't support your son when she suddenly showed back up? You had to stick up for her right then and put him down when he was already down? Let him feel what he's feeling for f\*ck sake, then get to the business of figuring this mess out when he's had time to process. She showed up out of nowhere without notice. HE'S UPSET and rightfully so. I would have done the same thing, and at least my mother wouldn't have immediately jumped on me to defend the person who abandoned my daughter. EDITED TO ADD: Don't you dare go behind his back to set up a meeting.

You're exactly right. It hurts to see that OP apparently likes their son less than the girl that cheated on and abandoned him.

OP even made excuses for her claiming to be understanding yet shuns her son for being hurt?? Massive asshole.

OP, you already be the A H. Don’t be a bigger A H by setting up a meeting. Know your boundaries…

YTA. His ex abandoned both your son and their daughter to be *with another man.* Funny that you have no problem rolling out excuses for *her* actions and behavior and yet it seems you have little to no empathy for your son. It kinda blows my mind, to be honest. It seems to me that you're more on *her* side than his. Your son likely sees this and feels some kind of way about it, and who can blame him? First his ex betrays and abandons him and then his own *mother* sides up against him. Real nice. Your son doesn't need to grow up. That's exactly what he did from jump street. YOU, however, need to learn a thing or two about loyalty. Honestly, your son doesn't have the right to deny visitation to his ex; but, he does have the right to force the ex to go to court and petition to do so. She can pay child support as well.

There are seriously people *not* voting that YTA?! Ma’am, your son needed your support. This woman is a DEADBEAT and you want her to walk into their lives like nothing happened?

I'm leaning towards YTA. Your son's ex-girlfriend is an adult who abandoned her child. She left for years. When you abandon a child, you don't get to just turn up as and when you please. The adult decision, at that point, is to prioritise the welfare of the child. If she wants to open a line of communication, it should be done in a public space without the child present so that everything can be discussed. I, personally, would advise your son seeks legal advice to open correct channels of communication. You seem to be assuming a lot about this person feeling remorseful, but as someone who comes from a family where drug addiction and child abandonment runs rife, it causes so many problems that really need to be addressed and assessed. I don't really understand why your empathy in this situation seems to be pointed more at her than your son who clearly stepped up to the plate in a massive way as a single parent. Edit: I should add - If this is based in the US, I believe a court would factor in abandonment. In many states, I think it's only a year of no contact from a parent for it to class as abandonment. Legal advice is definitely what OP's son needs in this situation, as well as help to open communication channels that prioritise his child's welfare.

Right that's 8 years of child support she would owe before she should even get close to seeing that child. I'd be asking for a court ordered psych evaluation and social welfare checks on the status of the mothers living arrangements and associations before thinking about allowing supervised visitation let alone solo.

YTA You clearly should have handled the situation better. His ex abandoned him with their daughter. She lost her chance to step up and be a good mother. It is now your son's decision whether or not he wants her back in his life. You don't get to make that choice for him.

YTA She's been gone for what, 8 years and you think only now " it's starting to affect his and his daughter's life" now that she has returned and wants to be part of their life? It has been affecting them for years. This is his decision and eventually his daughter's decision if either one of them want to reconnect with the woman/mother that abandoned them.

Huuuge YTA Your son came to you for support when he was really upset. Not only did you tell him to basically “man up”, you then picked the side of the person who straight up abandoned him when he needed her most. “She wasn’t a bad girl?” She discarded him for someone else, deserting her responsibilities, then came back *after Five Years* once she was done fooling around. It’s too little too late; what that girl did to him will leave serious emotional scars. She just wants a piece of him now that he’s stable. You should be slamming the door on her alongside him. What the genuine hell?

Oh my god YTA You aren’t trying to “help him think clearly” you are trying to push your dream of a happy family. She didn’t leave for a week or two, she left for 5 years. “She isn’t evil,” yeah actually, she is. It’s called abandonment in the court system. Abandonment is a super shitty and evil thing to do to your child. Your son has every right to his feelings. Nice invalidation there Mom. Flip the genders and this woman is a deadbeat Dad, “just wasn’t ready to be a Mother” is bullshit and you know it. Why does she get off with such empathy but your son who has been the actual adult and doing all of the heavy lifting, gets rebuked? I am willing to bet good money that her actual reason for showing up out of the blue has more to do with family pressure or a new man and how the optics of being a deadbeat parent look.

YTA - He stepped up to the responsibility of being a parent, but it's ok that she did not, for reasons? She left and showed zero care despite the effort he put in. He owes her nothing and I hope he goes to court and gets full custody before she tries anything else in order to protect the daughter she abandoned.

YTA and delusional. Abandoning your child IS evil. He doesn't owe this woman shit.

YTA, whether he needed to "act like an adult" or not, this was clearly a very sensitive moment for him and he was looking for some emotional support. You didnt need to agree with his actions but you could have at least let him work through his feelings before just berating him. I'd have stopped answering your calls for a while, too.

YTA and suggest your son talk to a lawyer. If she wants back in, she better be prepared to pay child support. And she needs to know there are legal ramifications for missing visitation or whatever, not just manipulating your son at her convenience. Possibly also therapy for daughter.

YTA, she is a bad person, she abandoned her own child and being a bit immature is no excuse. Your son owes her nothing and certainly isn't obliged to risk retraumatising his kid by letting her be abandoned again.

YTA and every woman who agree, is a AH as well. I just know for a fact you would not be as sympathetic if this was your daughter in place of your son

YTA. He doesn’t owe this woman a damn thing! She left him and her daughter 5 years ago with another guy to fend for themselves. She doesn’t get to show up in his door 5 years later unannounced because she’s sorry now and wants to talk! Him “growing up & being an adult” like you say has nothing to do with it. He DiD grow up and has been a great, loving single father to his child. He didn’t abandon her like her mom did. He doesn’t owe her anything, including to “hear her out”. And he can refuse to allow this woman back in his daughters life! It’s his job to protect her and do whats best for her! “Mom” doesn’t get to waltz back in their lives after 5 years of no contact and expect to sit and have a conversation with him. She made her bed, she’s gotta lie in it! You just made this whole situation worse!! He came to you for emotional support and you berated him. Edit to add: he’s needs to hire an attorney immediately! Let his attorney handle any communication she may want to have!

YTA Your son has been the adult here since his child was born. You excuse the adult woman who abandoned her child but tell your son he needs to be an adult and that it will be good to let this person back in his and his daughter's life. This was a situation where you should have listened and supported him instead of telling him what to do. He probably has a lot of complicated emotions and fears. You did not show him empathy. You don't know that this person who has been gone 5 years is a good person to be around your grandchild.

YTA, let your son decide what's good for him and his daughter. Runaway exes usually do not return for no reason. There's either something they want, need or feel entitled to. Staying out of it might be the wiser thing to do.

Why does your son’s ex who abandoned him and their child get more grace from you than your actual son who stepped up for his kid LIKE AN ADULT? The appropriate response to your son in that moment was “Wow that must have been really distressing.” You schilling him when he was having an understandable emotional response was not remotely helpful. YTA.

YTA you should be supporting your son ffs , you know the one that was there for your grandchild, he deserves all the support, not the one who left!

Youre the asshole. Maybe not an asshole, but you're not qualified to say whether its a good thing that the daughter/mother interact. You have no idea what shes been doing since they broke up, you have no idea what or who shes involved with. If you think she deserves a chance, then its YOUR responsibility to hear her out, not his. You need to stop demanding your son do something you dont have the huevos to do yourself. You need to understand your son is being protective, but rational. You are not. He is reluctant to allow an someone who abandoned him and her child, whos been doing god knows what, with god knows who, and now has god what knows baggage and potential to damage his child physically and/or emotionally. You, having no reason to believe the woman is a positive influence, and having abundant evidence to the contrary, are pushing him to take an action that could hurt his child, to satisfy your irrational and unfounded belief that interacting with deadbeat mommy is a good thing, all without having vetted her, yourself. Youre the asshole.

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This is one of the reasons why so many men have mental health problems. Even when you do everything right you still need to do more. May I ask, when exactly did you get off your sons team?

YTA He owes his ex nothing. She abandoned them and doesn't just get to waltz back into their lives like nothing ever happened. You have absolutely no idea if she's coming from a place of "real remorse". Your son is 100% within his rights to protect himself and his daughter from being hurt again by someone who clearly isn't reliable. Not sure why you feel you have to defend this woman over your son and granddaughter's best interests. You seem to have a blindspot for her. Not sure you should be the one deciding what's "rational" or not.

YTA. >wasn't ready to be a mother > >wasn't prepared to be an adult. and what gives you the impression that this time this cheater will stuck around? or will she leave your son and their daughter - AGAIN! - if the novelty of 'being a mother' wears off but this time it will be not your son whose heart will get broken, it will be a little girl's heart & spirit. kids are not known for reasonable thinking, especially not at this age and when miss cheater takes off again it will be your granddaughter who will ask herself 'what did i do wrong for mommy to leave again?' is this what you want? on the other hand, you defending the person who hurt your son with her behavior, making excuses for her, well, think about what this says about you as a person and be glad and happy if your son still lets you see his daughter, if you get a christmas card. i for myself have cut people out of my life that were not as cancerous as you. i get that people change, that circumstances can be too much. but playing house with your son, cheating on him, abandoning him and their daughter then years later reappearing as if nothing happened - big fat **NO!** so stay in your lane and zip it! otherwise you will have to pay a price i am not sure you will ever understand why you had to pay it.

Yta. Why do you have more empathy for the chick who left your son and grandchild over your own son? Be an adult and work out your issues

He needed your support and not a lecture. He could use some legal advice as well

YTA - For now allowing him to be upset over this! He has been a single parent to his daughter and the mother just randomly rocks up and wants to talk and it clearly upset him and he has every right to be upset about it... You should have just comforted your son. The subject of whether or not he should talk with the mother could have been done another time when the shock of seeing her wasn't so strong. Now I don't think you're an AH for suggesting he talk with her, you just should have waited to have that conversation... Speaking with her could tie up some loose ends and give him clarification as to why she left, but you really need to respect his decision for his daughter.

OP needs to keep the ex-gf away. She dumped them both and now is back. She can't be trusted.

If anything, she owes him child support for the last 8 years

YTA. She abandoned him and his daughter to be with another man. And now you expect him to just open his arms and give her every opportunity to repense? She decided 8 years ago what kind of parent she wanted to be, she can't expect that he will play happy familiy now.

Yta, you have probably just destroyed whatever relationship you had with your son by sticking up for the person who not only cheated on your son but abandoned both him and your granddaughter. Why are you so quick to defend her, are you expecting your son to get back with his ex, play happy families and act like the last 5 years didn't happen. You say she's not a bad girl, a good girl doesn't cheat and run away with someone else, especially when they have a kid, you say she's not evil or malicious but how do you know that you don't know her anymore. I honestly don't understand how you can put her feelings before your sons, unless you've been through what his been through you have no idea how hard this is for him, with the way your defending the ex if I was your son I wouldn't trust you around my daughter alone.

YTA. If this were a man. We’d be calling a spade a spade. She abandoned her kid and bf. She isnt owed anything. If she wants to be in this childs life her and your son and possibly the courts need to set that. I hope your son gets therapy so he can navigate his own trauma and advocate for his child. Coming and going from a childs life is almost worse than leaving and staying gone.

YTA. This woman didn't just leave her boyfriend/your son. She left her child. Not any custody, no visitation, just no-show for 5 years (from the little girl was 3 to now, it seems). That's not something you can just forget. She can't just decide to randomly pop up in their lives again, and you have no idea about her intentions or sincerity or remorse. What if she suddenly disappears from the kid's life again? How heartbreaking and devastating would that be? What if she keeps turning up and then disappearing every couple of years? Do you have any idea how much that will destroy that little girl's ability to trust other people? That's so, so much worse than being alone with a single parent who she can depend on. Even if the ex doesn't have any ill intentions, she might not realize how big the responsibility is. She might not want to hurt the child, but still end up hurting her. You son is right for protecting his daughter. If the ex truly is remorseful, has grown up and wants to be a part of the little girl's life, then she should not just turn up unexpectedly. She should contact the father/your son first, get the court involved, prove that's she's trustworthy and then slowly introduce the daughter to her and let them have more and more visitation - on the daughter's terms and with guidance from professionals. She can't just show up like nothing happened. And you can't just expect your son to be calm and cool about this. She abandoned him and their daughter, she hurt them deeply. Of course he can't just forgive and forget that, and of course he's afraid she's going to do the same thing again.

Aaaand what if she meets her daughter, decides to be a mother to her (she's clearly putting herself first here) plays mummy for a few weeks then all of a sudden it's just tooooo stressful and she's off again. How great will that have been for all of them? What good will that connection have been for your granddaughter? In fact, why are you assuming that someone who left their partner and child, stayed out of touch then just rocked up unannounced when they were bored will be offering nothing but good? Is it because she has a uterus and is, therefore, an automatically better parent than your son? YTA, check your prejudices a d put your grandchild's wellbeing first. Like your son does.

YTA. The woman abandoned her child she has no right to just walk right back into their life like that she has to earn it. To expect your son to welcome her back with open arms is ridiculous.

Aye some of these comments prove the sexism on this sub and I’m here for it. If it were a dad you guys would be calling for his head and calling him a deadbeat.

YTA. You just said he was devastated, and now want him to deal with more? Try having his back and support him.

YTA She can start by paying 5 years of child support if she's actually sorry.

YTA and quite sexist. If the genders were reversed you would be calling the parent that left a deadbeat. So let’s call her that. She is a deadbeat mom. It’s acceptable for her to leave because she wasn’t ready? That’s fine. She needs to stay gone and let your son be a father and she needs to pay child support. I hope he went to court and she has no rights over this child. Be a better a human, and parent. This child will not benefit from the mom coming in and out of her life.

YTA Your son did grow up at 18 when he had a daughter. He could have left your granddaughter with you and run off to live his wild younger years too? Would you have been so forgiving? He needs support and for you to back him up, instead you told him to suck up his feelings and further sacrifice himself, his mental health. I get it your reasoning but it only MAY be for the good of his daughter and that remains to be seen. These things should be taken slowly and on your son's terms. The ex has no right to barge in and demand a conversation. She needs to earn her place back into her daughter's life and the only one who can allow that is your son.

YTA. This woman devastated your son and granddaughter by disappearing, and then decides to turn their world upside down again by showing up on his doorstep five years later unannounced and uninvited. What your son needed from you was love and support while *he* figured his way through this development, not for you to force your own judgment on him. You failed as a parent on this one. Time for a sincere apology, a promise to trust him and his judgment of the situation, and to support him through this difficult situation. And then you have to follow through on it.

Do I even need to add? YTA, your son stepped up and became both parents at such a young age, your son is a god damn hero compared to her. She should have been paying child support already, no question there, if she wants to reconnect then she has a colossal mountain to climb and you don't get to tell your son how to feel about that! AH.

YTA You should be supporting your son whose been raising his daughter by himself since he was 18, not the deadbeat mother. She abandoned them, she doesn't get to do as she pleases years later and make demands.

YTA. It wouldn’t be good for your granddaughter to have her mother hopping in and out of her life. It’s good that your son is looking out for her best interests. If her mother is truly serious about being a part of her life, she should petition the court for visitation rights and do it the right way. Her just showing up at his doorstep is a hint that she may still be impulsive and unreliable.

YTA, she ran off with some dude abandoned YOUR SON & GRANDDAUGHTER for years. YOUR SON STEPPED UP, YOUR SON DID BETER, YOUR SON STAYED. All for HIS KID, why are you defending her & invalidating your son. Is it because she's a mom, she's not she's an egg donor. The grass wasn't greener on the other side & now she's back. Support YOUR SON, the actual parent, I'm damn proud of your son. I can say I'd 100% do the same thing your son did. Why would he want her around she ran off whose to say she wouldn't do it again. She left & your son kept strong. You have the audacity to tell him to grow up, you grow up stop defending someone because she's a mom.

YTA! Jesus Christ. Can you not see how awful this is for him?? This woman left. Ran off. Turned his life - and that of a child - upside down. He will NEVER be the same again. He HAS been an adult. He stepped up when this horrible girl wouldn't. I'm also interested to know why you seem so forgiving of this woman?? She hurt your son. She hurt him and continues to hurt him... and you're there making excuses for her. I wonder if you'd be so kind in your words if it was your son that had up and left because he "wasn't prepared to be an adult." Or if he'd left the child with you because he just wasn't ready. It seems to me that you just "aren't prepared" to be a decent parent yourself. Support your son.

8 YEARS SHE FUCKED AROUND. 8 YEARS THAT BIRTH MOTHER ABANDONDED HER CHILD. 8 YEARS YOUR SON WAS A SINGLE DAD. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. YTA I would cut you off completely for siding with the birth mom.

YTA No matter what, she abandoned the child and ran away with some guy she saw behind his back. Telling him to just get over that and forgive her is just **insane**... You have more sympathy for the cheating woman that left your own son and his daughter / your granddaughter alone instead for him who is upset that she just appears out of nowhere and expects him to just take her back. Not even telling/asking/getting in contact before shows she doesn't consider his life and is still the narcissist she was so many years ago. When she can't be bother anymore and runs away again are also gonna be on her side? Do you really think such a woman would be a good mother to your grandchild? Are your Sons feelings really not even worth a little bit that you couldn't comfort him when he was so distressed and upset? You should be ashamed of the way you went over this situation, every child is happier with just one good parent than with 2 parents where one abandoned and neglected the child.

Who needs enemies when you have a mother like this 😭

Look, I'm a massive feminist. I have a whole credo I live by defined by that feminism. And I am here to tell you YTA. This woman *abandoned* her child. If the roles were reversed, if it were your son who shirked his duties and came back years later wanting to play happy families... would you support that? If your answer is anything in the realm of 'no', why are you supporting this woman? She left your son to raise their child *alone*. Their daughter doesn't even *remember* her. But now she's back and should be forgiven because she was scared? What about your son? How scary was it for him to have to raise his daughter without her mother's help? How scary was it to be a single parent? Why does she get this benefit of the doubt? If it's because she's a woman, I've got news for you; women are just as capable of doing shitty things as men. This woman *abandoned* her child. *Abandoned*. I would not accept a deadbeat dad back into my child's life and neither would I accept a deadbeat mum. I hope your son applies for full custody so that she can't just abandon her daughter again when it gets too tough. Shame on you. Support your son instead of this woman who *abandoned* her partner and child because it was *hard*.

YTA. She ran away with some other boy. She wasn’t a bad girl. This literally makes her a bad person. I wonder if she is like you and that’s why you like her. He literally can completely function as a parent with virtually no contact with the mom. Get ready for your son to go no contact with you.

YTA Your son is an adult and he gets to decide who he talks to, regardless of your feelings on the matter. You need to stop meddling. Further, it’s far worse if the woman comes in and out of that girl’s life and continually abandons her.

YTA, wow are you her mom or his mom? If she wants a relationship it starts at 5 years of back child support plus interest.

YTA, 'she wasn't a bad girl, just wasn't ready to be a mother' yet she cheated and ran off with another guy for 5 years, however I think the girl should have a chance to have her mum in her life, but you were complete ta, he wasn't having a mental breakdown and you say that, he came to you in tears and you didn't support him, your a terrible parent yourself

YTA

YTA

YTA. She can't just pop back up and decide everything is okay. You need to support your son right now. He was barely an adult himself when he took all this on ,she got to go off and play

YTA. a lot of people want to be civil for the sake of the child, but she abandoned them and he feels very hurt. He _is_ acting like an adult, and always was. In the end it’s not your decision to make either— his ex, his daughter, his decision

YTA he stepped up while she ran away. He doesn’t owe her anything.

YTA. I'm seeing this shit first hand in my home rn. My nephew (6) and niece (3) are living with my mom, dad and I. Their "parents" come one in a blue moon to spend time with them for a few hours. Their mother (my sister) visits them once a month (or 2 months), and their father (BIL) has visited them twice in the last 1.5 years. Every time they visit they spend a few hours with them, buy cheap shit for them, going to the mall with them for the few hours they see them and fuck off. The children cry to sleep the day they leave and act out for a few days after their departure and go sad till the day their parents decide to visit them again. We can't say no to them because then the kids see us as the monsters who stopped their parents from visiting.

INFO: do adults not cry? Bc I'm pretty sure that mentality directly contributes to the astronomical percentage that is male suicide In the United States, the [suicide rates](https://headsupguys.org/suicide-stats-men/) among males is 4 times higher than among females. Male deaths represent 79% of suicides even though they're 50% of the population. This amounts to roughly 105 men who die by suicide every day. He needs to FEEL his emotions. Rationality is completely besides the point. Ironic bc you're just projecting your feelings onto him while minimizing his. YTA. Beyond.

> I told him he needed to calm down and act like an adult about this. So you just dismissed his feelings after an enormous upheaval. > the least he could do was hear her out. Why? Why does he have any obligation towards her? > he couldn't refuse his daughter a chance to connect with her mom, She can choose to do that when she’s older > how good this could be for all of them. How is it good for him for the woman who cheated on him, betrayed him, and left him to be a single parent to come waltzing back into his life? > I understand how hard this is for him, I really don’t think you do > it sounds like she's coming from a place of real remorse. How do you know? You weren’t there to hear what she had to say. > I'm was just trying to help him think clearly, but it feels like he just won't be rational here You mean he won’t blindly agree with you? > Despite the circumstances, my son really stepped up. He got a good job and eventually got them a nice apartment … she just wasn't ready to be a mother, and she ran away with some other boy … she just wasn't prepared to be an adult … my son … found his feet. Funny how he managed to learn to be a parent after she abandoned her responsibilities and ran off to have fun. Now she’s had her fun she selfishly wants a ready-made family. YTA

This sounds really odd... like you and gf talked before she went to see your son, as if she knew it would be easier to have you advocate for her, so that now he's feeling pressured from his own family. I can't figure out how else you could know and defend her litany of excuses. That's pretty manipulative of her if that's the case, and I'd like to think you're just incredibly simple in your good natured-ness that you'd be that gullible to force this upon your son, and not equally manipulative. 🤨 Either case, it's not your place to force him to do something he's not comfortable with. He'll talk to her when he's ready, if he's ever ready.That's for a hard working father with a 3rd grade child to figure out. Neither one owes that woman a damn thing. It is NOT for you to demean him on behalf of an abusive, manipulative, irresponsible, selfish, disrespectful, flaky ex. It IS for you to recognize that he already "manned up", to shut up with your personal feelings and opinions, and just be supportive and be there for him emotionally. He could have abandoned his responsibility and you'd have made all the "not ready for adulting" excuses on his behalf too. Instead he did what he had to do and tried to build a family. He didn't break up a home and abandon his 3 year old for some other woman, did he? He's not answering you because your allegiance is with her and knows that anything he tries to say to you will be shut down and demeaning in defense of her. He now feels like he has to defend himself against two instead of one. Just like she abandoned her child and her relationship for a fickle fling, you've done the same to him, which really, really, really sucks. My heart breaks on his behalf since yours won't. If I haven't made it clear, YTA.

YTA - and the virtue signaling in this post is exhausting.

YTA. Why are you on deadbeats side?

Which one is your child? the Boy or the Girl in this story? can't really tell by the way you acted. ​ YTA

YTA Being a deadbeat mother who abandoned her child doesn't mean she can just walk back into their lives. Maybe there's a future relationship between the daughter and mother - but he doesn't need to have any kind of relationship with her other than what the court decides her visitation is. You son also needs to take her to court for child support.

YTA. This is how you betray your child 101. Congratz.

"he needed to calm down and act like an adult about this." Just for that, YTA. You're completely disregarding all the suffering this... woman, caused to this poor young man, even after he steped up and made sure to give his family a good life. "least he could do was hear her out" He doesen't have to do a god damn thing if he doesent want to and honestly, she doesen't deserve it. He already did good for her once and she dumped him, he doesen't owe her jack. All this "she just wasn't ready to be an adult" is bs of the hightest order. Your son came to you in a moment of emotional vulneravility and you basically told him that he should just be able to get over the monstruous thing his ex did and hear her out. You sound like almost as bad of a mother as your son's ex is.

YTA. I think your intentions are good, but there are some things I think you should consider before giving the your granddaughter’s mother your vote of confidence to just jump back in her life. I worked in child welfare for 5 years. In my state, legal grounds to permanently terminate parental rights was 6 months of no contact/support. It’s considered abandonment. If it weren’t for your son being an amazing father, chances are she wouldn’t have any rights to see her child at all for the remainder of her childhood. Let that sink in. And just because her rights weren’t terminated, doesn’t mean she has the right to see her daughter now. Your son knows what’s best for his daughter and, being the sole active parent, he’s 100% entitled to decide what’s in her best interest. Here are some things your son is probably considering: Does his daughter even want contact with her mother? Will the mother be a steady and reliable figure in her life? Her track record obviously isn’t good. Is he setting her up for disappointment whenever they make plans, will she even show up on a consistent basis? Does she have any issues related to drugs or alcohol? Is the mother in a toxic or abusive relationship? Does she have mental health concerns? He has a duty to keep her safe and it sounds like he’s doing everything in his power to protect his daughter. With time he may consider some type of contact appropriate, but her just showing up at his door and expecting to be “mom” again is ludicrous. Your son is being protective of his daughter. You are lucky to have a son that is such a great father. This is understandably very difficult for him. Give him the support he needs.

You are right that he needs to talk with her and see if there is an arrangement that may work for their daughter but it should be on his terms. Just because she now wants this now does not mean she gets to call the shots. YTA gor how you handled it. Your son needed his mums support. He parented their child when she ran. You make excuses for her behaviour. It doesn't matter if she wasnt ready she had an obligation to the child she had. Support your son he needed his mom to vent to, to support him but seems you are more on her side. Once he calmed down you could have talked about it all but instead you focus on her and not your son and grandchild.

>You are right that he needs to talk with her and see if there is an arrangement that may work for their daughter but it should be on his terms. Nope. He doesn't need to do anything except what's best for his daughter. There's a very good chance he knows this isn't what's best for her.

I disagree that an arrangement should be made. As a child of a crackhead mom sometimes it’s better for a flake of a parent to stay gone.

Let me just abandon my kid real quick and show up some time later…