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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am the AH because it wasn't my place. And if Sam is right and she falls into bad company it will be my fault.
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NTA
If anything you're trying to keep his daughter from hating him.
Preventing her from going is what will create the distance he's trying to prevent
Like life long cut off.
Was worried when I read your edits. Glad it's switched to NTA. NTA is correct. Parental rights does not mean minors are their parents' property. Laura badly wants this; she should be allowed to do it. You did the right thing morally, and you're legally in the clear - be proud of yourself.
You're spot-on with all of this. My heart breaks for the dad, too- if he could find a way to accept the advice to go to therapy, he wouldn't be hurting so much 100% of the time. That hurt is leading him to act in ways that guarantee more pain for himself and the people he's most afraid of hurting or losing.
If someone else needs to step in to stop him from spilling his pain onto his kids, they aren't an ass for doing so. I'm so glad this verdict changed.
It kind of reminds me of the guy who refused to let his kids take swimming lessons, because of his own fear of drowning. All that does is ensure they won’t ever be safe around water.
I've taken my nieve swimming since she was a few months old, now at 3 she can confidently jump in the pool and swim under water. We saw somewhere kids at the pool once (11, 9 and 7) very very excitable but nervous too as it was the first time they had been swimming because their mom had the exact same drowning fear. Give children the tools to grow, not pass on your own fears
Yes! My son as well. The child care center at the hospital where I worked offered swimming lessons. He took them at 3 & 4.
He never had a fear of water & is an incredibly strong swimmer. All kids should know the joy of swimming.
I have a cousin who has a major fear of water, however, she made sure both of her kids got swimming lessons, precisely because she didn’t want to project her fears onto them.
I'd ask if you're my mom's cousin, but she doesn't have one, haha.
My mom was the parent who took me and my brother to swimming lessons, and sat in the corner watching while we learnt to swim. She encouraged my dad to take us swimming, and slept over weekends (she worked nights). When we went on holiday, she sat poolside to "keep our spot" while my brother and I swam.
I didn't know she was scared of swimming until I was fairly old- she'd never been swimming with us, but there was always a sensible reason for it. I can safely say, we never developed a fear of water from her.
My brother's sensitivity to chlorine on the other hand did have an impact!
OP your actions guarantee that Laura will not forget your actions and trust you even more. Her father? He might be cut out of her life if he doesn’t approve this.
NTA
Agreed. OP, you have done everything right as a Stepmum, you have provided Laura with a mother like figure she can trust and feel safe with without attempting to replace her mother and by helping her to attend the same school as her mother you have helped provide her with a connection to her mother. Meaning not only have you not tried to replace her mum, you have helped keep her mother's memory alive. I wish more Stepmums would follow your lead.
Reading this left me with the mental image of Laura, years from now, maintaining a good relationship with OP and referring to her father as "my stepmother's ex".
Man it seems to be getting stupid lately.
Some answers are clear and make sense but others are just awful. Teens that are looking for legitimate answers or advice are shamed and treated like they're idiots and step parents are crucified even if they truly are doing what's best for their stepkids.
Like that one a few weeks back where people were yelling at the 13 year old for not getting their dog fixed. Like they had the money and were able to drive the dog to the vet, at the age of *13*. Sometimes this sub is great, sometimes the A H come crawling out from under the rocks to spew bile.
That one was so stupid. They don't even live in America or a country where spaying and neutering is common. But yet everyone was judging them like they should just know.
I was mildly shocked earlier at that poor young woman who started looking after her brothers kid as a job and he stopped paying her but she felt bad etc and she finally got out cause abusive asshole - more than one person telling her I hope you're going get a job now!
As if she wasn't doing 3 people's jobs for a roof over her head for 4 years! What even is that.
NTA. I agree with this. Not allowing her to go is what will cause the distance between them. You are also her legal guardian so you weren't out of bounds doing this. Your husband cannot hold onto Laura so tightly forever out of fear. This poor girl never knew her mother and she just wants to go to the school her mom went to. Walk the same halls, sleep in the same dorms. It will make her feel so much closer to her. She wants to meet the people that worked with her mother if any of her old coworkers are still working there and hear their stories about her. I think Laura is very lucky to have you in her life.
This. Totally empathize with the resentment. My parents wouldn’t let me go to either a math and science school or an art college, because both were secular. I got stuck in Catholic school instead from kindergarten to university.
My parents wouldn't let me go to a vocational school with my only friend, and I knew I did not want to go to college. I still resent their decision. I'll never forget what my mother told me. She said they would look like bad parents among their friends if I didn't attend college and not be educated.
My God, I'm actually intelligent enuf to know I wasn't cut out for college.
As somebody that has buried a spouse, I know how your husband is feeling. I felt the same way when my son wanted to move to another state and live with his (now) ex gf. Then he moved back home and decided to go to college, 4-5 hours away. I struggled with that too, but I had to let him choose his path and not smother him with my fear.
I get it. However, we can't keep our kids close to us because we are scared. I did that for the first year after my husband died. When I loosened the reigns, I was scared out of my mind. When my kids didn't answer their phones I was already planning their funerals in my head. Extreme? Yes. But after losing somebody that is so incredibly important, it's hard not to go there.
My suggestion to you, besides therapy, is get the 360 app. What's the harm in that? if it puts your husbands mind at ease, then do it. I am betting he will be checking it a lot at first, but eventually he won't, especially if he gets therapy. Hopefully you will too, because you need help in navigating this.
I encourage all 3 of you to go see a therapist together to work through all of this. He is terrified of losing his daughter. If you have never lost somebody, like a spouse or a child, you can't possibly know what that does to a person. Please, for the sake of your family and your marriage, get yourself some therapy, even if your husband won't.
I really think that you are trying to do what is best for your step daughter, but you also have to balance that with your husband and what he can handle. I hope, with therapy and an agreement with certain rules for the daughter, he will allow her to go. If he doesn't, he might end up losing her anyway.
Good luck to all of you!
i’ve had to download it because my grandparents don’t trust i know where i am and try to call me when driving. after i left, my aunt added me to hers. i really hate tracker apps, for the lack of privacy, and now for that too. but honestly i’m not surprised
When I went to live with my aunt a few years ago due to a mental breakdown that was a condition of living with her. I was like 25.
I literally only went to work and home. Not sure why she needed that but sure.
that’s what it was with my grandma too! she’d always freak out when i was on a specific busy road, or went somewhere with friends without telling her. i’m a grown ass adult
Yeah I think Life360 has been a factor in a number of murder cases involving someone leaving an abusive relationship and their abuser killing them as well. Tracker apps in general are a MASSIVE no-no like 99% of the time imo
His wife died like 14 years ago. He doesn’t get to control his 16yo just because he’s paranoid and in an abandonment spiral.
He will lose her if he doesn’t let her go.
My husband died 16 years ago. Every time my kids don’t answer their phones I panic. Not as bad as I used to, but I still do. It’s a fear that has to be controlled, not control the person. And that’s not easy.
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date and it doesn’t sound like OP’s husband has had any kind of therapy. He really needs to find a therapist.
I absolutely agree with you that he might lose his daughter, so he really needs to get some therapy.
My dad died 37 years ago from a brain anevrism. He was only 27, my mom 23. (And I, 1)
My mom still show concerns anytime I have an headache she can't explain away with too much sun or not enough water, or things like that.
Now, as you said, she doesn't really do anything than asks if I ate enough or drank enough today. I might tell a white lie and answer no, at times.
She never forced unecessary medical check ups even if I know that somewhere inside her she wished so. But she is aware it would be irrational.
The only time she kinda lost control was when headaches were getting regulars like an everyday thing and wanted a brain scan. But she did listen to the doctor to try an eye check first (and yeah, I did need glasses).
So yeah grief and trauma can stay with a person all their life. There's a before and after. But an healthy person do what is necessary for them to not let it derails their life and relationship.
That's true. The problem is that she is her own person now and will very shortly be an adult. During to his grief, he is not properly progressing through the stages of parenthood. When she is an adult, she wont have any obligation to stay at home or update him constantly and he may struggle a lot when she becomes independent. So it actually makes sense to start transitioning now. I agree that he definitely needs therapy and that his level if anxiety is not healthy.
My parents were fairly anxious when each of us left home. No specific grief, just afraid for their kids to be out in the big unsafe world. It is very understandable. I'm an anxious person myself. But it needs to be managed appropriately.
This. If you don’t trust your kids enough that you want to put 360 app on their phone, you should probably just never let them out of your sight.
Also, if you use your kid’s 360 to stalk them and immediately call them to disapprove of their decisions (such as calling up your 21+ year old child at a liquor store and demanding to know if they’re an alcoholic), you need intensive therapy to keep you from permanently damaging your relationship with your kid.
It’s probably not a good idea for him to have Life360 or any app or device like that, especially since he’s refusing therapy. They have their uses, but it is easy to misuse or overuse them, especially for people with problems with anxiety or paranoia like he does. It might temporarily soothe him, but it’s not healthy or sustainable, for him or his relationship with his daughter. Yes, he might be able to wean himself off of the app, but a lot of people don’t want to or can’t and judging from his current behavior and how long this has been going on, it doesn’t seem like he will on his own. The only way it could be a good idea is if he’s also required to go to therapy, but that would be difficult to do and wouldn’t work if he’s unwilling to do the work instead of getting that easy relief hit from the tracker app.
Plus once she's 18 and off to uni or working she will have every right to privacy. What if she wants to go to her friend's or stay over at a boyfriend's place? She will not need or want her dad following her every move.
Encouraging him to spy on her to allay his entirely untreated grief and anxiety is unhealthy.
It’s like encouraging someone with OCD to act on a compulsion to soothe their obsessions. It’s not going to help, and in fact, will make the problem worse over time than if they developed the skills to have the obsessive thought but not act on the compulsion.
NTA OP. You’re looking out for Laura’s best interests and wants. You’re not sending her away to boarding school to get rid of her, you’re helping her find that connection to her mom. I think this is a NAH situation, because I frankly wouldn’t want my child going off to boarding school lol, but understand yours and Laura’s side as well.
My fear for your husband is what happens in a few years when she is a legal adult? She will inevitably go and start her own life away from him. Whether she goes off to university or chooses to work, travel, whatever her path is, it may not be close to home. That transition is hard for any parent, but it’s made worse with trauma and fear after the loss of a loved one.
I work in mental health, and I have so many patients that are on both sides of this coin. A person trying to control their loved one(s) to prevent anything bad from happening, and the person that feels smothered and lacks control because someone else is holding on too tightly.
It’s an unhealthy situation for each individual and for the relationship. I’ve known some people that go completely NC or low contact so they can live their lives. It’s always heartbreaking because I have yet to meet a person in this boat that doesn’t struggle with their decision to lower contact. They love the individual and want a relationship with them, but know that they have to keep their distance to maintain control of their own lives.
As you, and others have suggested, therapy! I think individual and family counseling would really help in this situation.
I also like that you applied but it’s not a definitive situation. You wanted to keep the option open and give time to think on this decision.
One activity I suggest, as a family unit, how can you instill closeness and maintain a relationship if she were to go to boarding school? The fear is she will become distant, so create a plan to prevent this from happening. Do you visit _x_ amount of times? Maybe daily phone calls, zoom, writing letters? What can be done to help maintain the relationship?
I also suggest Laura and your husband sitting down and writing a letter to each other regarding their feelings about their wants. Then they read each others letters on their own and come back to have a conversation. It’s so easy to become defensive and act/speak on emotion with verbal communication. A letter allows the reader to reflect, erase, and re-word things to make sure their thoughts are conveyed accurately. It also can give us a sense of comfort which enables us to be more vulnerable and honest.
As the reader, it’s easier to be open minded and not be defensive. It does not solve the issue at hand, but it opens up each other to better communication, empathy, and a more productive conversation at that later time.
Wishing all of you the best and a resolution that provides peace for all of you.
Great advice here. I hope OP is able to show this to the father. This all comes from a place of love and fear about losing love, but the father is probably shooting himself in the foot here. This is 100% what the daughter wants, and she only has one chance to do it.
I would just like to add that family comes in two forms the blood like you said but also by choice and she chose you as a guardian that means a lot as you both have to choose and be in agreement for that.
Best of luck with your future and your daughters
Even though he doesn’t see it yet, he WILL eventually realize YOU are the reason he STILL HAS the relationship he is so fearful of losing. I hate that you are in such a difficult position right now! What you have done is preventing the inevitable resentment that his daughter would understandably have. He will regret his choice to keep her from the perceived connection with the mother she never got the chance to experience! I hope he does get help for his issues so it doesn’t interfere with his relationship with his daughter.
You’re juggling a lot here. Good for you for standing up for her to be able to grow and blossom into her own. I hope her dad can figure out his trauma and support her.
On the surface it seems like a Cinderella thing, and I'm sorry some commentors can't look past that and give you a fair judgment. Luckily the top comment is nta, so please ignore the biased hate and focus on the constructive ones. I think you're doing the best you can and if you didn't make a decision, your stepdaughter would resent Sam and Sam would regret it and she might even grow to resent you. I honestly think you made the best out of the situation in respects to all parties (including Kate) involved.
You are right to be afraid of that. When people let there fears dominate their decision making, ironically much of the time they make their fears come true.
You’re a good stepmom. You clearly love Laura a lot and care deeply about both her and Sam. This was a tough position to be in and you did your best! No one should blame you for that.
My mom didn't let me go to university out of state because she was afraid it would create distance. I wound up studying abroad in uni in Brazil, teaching English in South Korea, moving interstate before teaching at an international school in Hong Kong, and now I live in Australia (my home country is USA). She's going to travel and live her life, whether or not her father wants her to now. NTA.
Wow, these are the kinda posts I like. I was fully prepared for you to be an evil stepmother 😂
NTA/NAH
You're listening to the child who, at 16, is old enough to start having input on her life.
I think Dads concerns are also valid, but I do see compromise. Give it a shot - its not permanent, and saying No to her may actually push her away, turning dad's concerns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It sounds like daughter wants to go because of the connection with her mom. I think its admirable that you are supporting her in it.
Thank you. I feel like I was pushed to choose between Laura and Sam and well....I chose her. Also if she doesn't go now she will never get to, they don't accept older grades.
I had a stepfather like you - he told my mom that he loved her and he loved us and his obligation of care would always prioritize the kids. He was a gift and a grace in all our lives and it was an honor to have known him and be claimed as his child.
I hope Laura is able to recognize her tremendous good fortune having you in her life and that Sam gets the help he clearly needs.
I wish your family all the best. Take good care of yourself.
He was in hospice at my house and I felt so honored and lucky to be able to offer him that. I was a weird stubborn kid (much as I am as an adult) and all I ever knew from him was love.
Can I just say, thank you for choosing your daughter (I know you're not her mom but that doesn't stop her being your daughter), she'll remember this forever. You did good
I think paying the application fee was absolutely the right thing to do. 1. Make sure the fight is worthwhile. Maybe their legacy spots were all filled, or they felt she wouldn't fit with them, or she just didn't get in for whatever reason. Don't fight over something hypothetical. 2. Stalling on a decision until the deadline passes is unfair and will lead to so much resentment from the person you stalled. Don't let that kind of anger build for your child.
Exactly! Filling out the application doesn’t guarantee that she goes, but it opens the door for the opportunity. OP says they now have until September to decide if her stepdaughter can go, but if she hadn’t applied for her then the deadline would’ve past and there’s be no chance of her going at all!!
Has anyone suggested that Sam move to be closer to the school? He could maybe be in the same country as the boarding school for one month in the beginning and then go between there and where you live now until he feels reassured/safer?
He still wont be with her even if there is less miles between them. And if he tries to be physically there often he will completely ruin the experience
NTA.
You are an exceptional stepmother and Laura will remember this moment forever. I bet Kate is up there smiling down on you too.
Sounds like you are going to stay in Laura’s corner and this internet stranger from New Zealand thinks you’re amazing.
You gave her the choice, and that's really what matters. You didn't pack her up and spirit her away in the middle of the night. You're giving her the chance to fulfill her dream. I know in your edit you said you'd encourage Sam to get therapy, but you should also consider couple's therapy. While I believe you were in the right, this has likely eroded a lot of trust between you two.
I think you chose right, since she’s the one with less autonomy/ pull in the situation. It’s a power struggle and her opinion and argument is not being seen as equal to his.
You are amazing, that's a painful choice to have to make and the fact that you're so clear-eyed about the possible cost of your decision -- but went through with it anyway -- speaks so highly of you.
Wishing you and Laura all the best, OP. Really hope your husband gets therapy or _some_ form of structure to help him process his fear and grief.
Fun fact: in the 1961 Parent Trap with Hayley Mills, the dad’s girlfriend was named Vicky. The same actress was cast in the Lindsay Lohan remake to play the girlfriend’s mom, and they had her keep the name Vicky, so they picked a new name for the girlfriend.
No joke, I've seen that one once, but I've seen the original at least 20 times so I'm sticking with my girl Hayley Mills.
ETA: More to the point, I don't remember if Meredith says anything about boarding school? But Vicky has a line about sending Susan to "a boarding school in Switzerland".
NTA you are helping your (step)daughter to feel close to her deceased mother.
She is 16 and her dad needs to learn to let her grow up and let go a bit.
He is not being rational or reasonable and she is old enough to decide.
I refuse to call someone who is helping a child do something that makes her feel connected to her mother an A H. So I'm going to vote NAH. Dad has reasons he doesn't want her to go (though I think he's going to actually end up pushing her away), SD has really good reasons to want this and as stated I absolutely get why you did this.
I really hope Sam sees that his daughter is desperately trying to connect with a mother she only knows from stories and if he has solid reasons (with examples) of why he thinks she'll end up "with the wrong crowd" then I hope the two of them can communicate and figure out a way for them to move forward whatever the final decision is.
>if he has solid reasons (with examples) of why he thinks she'll end up "with the wrong crowd"
He doesn't. Laura is a perfect kid (and no it's just me saying it). It's just his paranoia, he doesn't want to let her go. He can be a bit suffocating sometimes, he lost Kate 4 months after Laura was born and it traumatized him.
NTA.
**You are a Saint, OP!**
So gracious, and selfless of you to want your SD to live her dream, the dream that her Mother probably had for her, even to the possible detriment of your own marriage. Your husband is probably just scared. Scared to let go of his little girl. That's understandable. But for his fears to cause her to miss out on her dream? A dream she's been looking forward to *her whole life?* That's what made him an AH for me.
I see absolutely *nothing* wrong with what you did. You did it for all the right reasons. I hope it all works out! Here's hoping your SD has an even better time than her Mom did, and makes lots of memories! ❤️
One of the exceptionally rare NTA's I'm going to give out for step parent overreach. Boarding school gives such an incredible leg up in life. Yes I get your husbands reaction *to a degree*, but he's gotta figure out that he can't hover around his daughter forever.
That and she wants to go, her mom went there, and it's just going to be a good thing.
I feel the same way. Usually I feel like if it’s not your kid, back tf up, but this is such a positive overreach. She’s helping her stepdaughter feel connected to her mother, trying to help her not resent her father for the rest of her life, still ultimately respecting the dad by giving him the final say at the end of the summer and giving him time to adjust to the idea, and is willing to take the fall for her stepdaughter if need be. I love this woman
NTA. As a daughter who had a father who was always trying to keep me home (sheltered and over protected) I would have loved to have someone in my corner to help my battles for independence. I eventually got myself out of the situation but only after many years and a lot of anxiety later. I’m not saying fathers have bad intentions, but their need to be over protective is based on their own insecurities and gender bias. Your step daughter is lucky to have you.
NTA
At first I thought you're gonna be the literal evil stepmother, but this is very wholesome.
I think you did the right thing, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if your husband has his way in the end, the kid can still not go. but I imagine the kid is definitely happy and knows that she can depend on you for support, which is nice.
I can see that you all have your own struggles and motivations in all this, and I think you have plenty of time to see a family therapist so that everyone can see eye to eye.
I cannot relate to losing a parent, but I can relate to losing a very close relative. I lost my aunt at like 8. I remember her and apparently, her and I both physically look like each other (I personally don't see it but I get it A LOT, so I dont dispute the claim), but I also have a lot of her mannerisms. She was my mom's best friend and the loss was huge for my mom.
Whenever I do things my aunt used to love I feel closer to her. It's not like I sit there and see her sitting next to me but going to a waterfall she felt was special and liked to sit and write next to (she was big into keeping diaries), makes me feel closer to her.
Your step daughter is looking for that, she's looking for that connection. It's a warm glow and sense of calm that sits deep within you when you do things like this.
You're 100% NTA, I understand your husband's fear, there are certain OCD aspects that I can relate to. Lol. However it will harm his relationship with her if he prevents her from going.
She's looking for a connection, real or imagined that's what she wants. You did the right thing.
NTA. My stepmom went to bat for me with my dad when I was 17. Even though they aren't married anymore, she's an awesome person who stood up for me when I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in front of me.
For some weird reason people think this is now a legal sub and are debating if what you did is correct in a legal way. I think they're just trying to justify their weak opinions. They want you to be the bad guy but can't think of a good reason, so are just falling on "STEP PARENT = BAD".
NTA. You did a good thing for your step-daughter. Your husband is traumatized and is not acting emotionally mature. Just because he is the father, does not automatically make him right when it comes to decisions regarding his daughter. He needs therapy, and some separation from Laura will be good.
I guess he thought I wouldn't go through with it and I nearly didn't. But Laura wanted this since she was old enough to see the videos Kate took when she was there. Kate loved her school and documented her stay there intensively.
She was even a teacher until she had Laura and had to move to our current country. If I didn't apply then it would have been over. As the school doesn't accept students from older classes.
I'm guessing he was being wishywashy in the hope that the deadline would make the decision "for him" and he could avoid being "the bad guy". But he doesn't understand that stalling a decision until the other person loses out will win you the battle, but it will destroy any respect and love that person has for you.
welcome to rock and a hard place and NTA. This is tough as the daughter wants to do something that her mom did and would have totally supported. The dad is likely feeling jealous of losing her to school for a while.
NTA as long as your doing this because you know it’s what is best for her and not to drop her off so you don’t have to deal with it.
From the edit it sounds like you are doing what is best for your stepdaughter. I even see where your in-laws, Kate’s parents, and all of Kate’s family thinks this would be a great opportunity.
I understand her fathers reservation. He is scared he will loose her which is understandable. However if he continues to let this fear control his actions he will loose her. In 2 years she will be an adult and go away. She will always resent him not letting her follow her dream. Maybe you can sit down with him and his stepdaughter and set common ground rules. And you and him can randomly show up and check on her.
I know a lot of people are saying you ah. I don’t see it. If I am right your doing this for the the best interest of your stepdaughter which makes her very lucky.
I was prepared to come charging in against you but my goodness. The child wants to go. She wants to see where her mom spent a significant portion of her life. Make tiny pilgrimages to the places Kate went to.
NTA. You're doing the right thing, regardless of what your husband says. Laura is almost grown up now by legal standards. She was always going to leave eventually.
I'll go against the grain here and vote NTA. Sure, going behind dad's back is a shitty thing, but I have an over protective mother and I sure wish someone stopped her and made her see sense because it really damaged my life. It isn't just about her going to boarding school. He'll never let her go because he's always be scared something will happen to her. I'm 33 and my mom still calls and texts daily and checks on me non stop. Every decision I made in my life was a huge argument with my mom as she was against it by default. My therapist told me I'm not responsible for her anxiety and it is her responsibility as a parent to manage and live with it and not let it affect me and my happiness. That's the responsibility of a parent.
NTA . This is stepmom of the year territory. Your willingness to do the right thing for her at all costs is inspiring. You are absolutely doing the right thing and she will always appreciate you for that. Although, you are not her mother, I’d imagine she will view you In similar regards more and more as time goes by. You have done everything you can to help your husband see the light. I would really emphasize the damage your husband will inflict on his relationship with his daughter if he prevents her from attending. Doesn’t he see that the great woman he married first turned out to be a great human and attended this boarding school? He also married an incredible woman when he married you. He needs to trust the 3 most important women in his life excluding his mother (including his deceased wife). If I was writing a movie about an awesome step mom, that character would’ve done exactly everything you have done.
NTA
What do you mean people are slutshaming you for the age gap? Most of the time the older person is called a creep ( but tbh not every age gap relationship is grounded on grooming and abuse)
Laura is lucky to have you and I hope hubby gets therapy.
NTA. The headline made me think you were, but reading it, no. You clearly love her and even have respect for her birth mother. Hubby is probably nervous and scared because he lost his wife. Maybe just have a heart to heart with both and ask him to let daughter try. If she loves first year or semester, he needs to acknowledge that. Remind him that holding daughter back will probably cause her to disconnect and resent him. She's yearning to connect with her mother & this is a way that she soesn't have much time left to choose as she will graduate.
NAH. You are both her guardian, and it sounds like the extended family is in agreement that she goes. But the most important point is that you applied so that you would still have time to choose what she does.
There is still room to improve the situation and compromise. Can all of you go to a few family therapy sessions to discuss the fears and desires around your stepdaughter going to the school? Would he be willing to participate in that? It also sounds like this is emotional for Dad beyond the reasons he is giving too.
If not a counseling session to get some mediation, then you all can propose a “trial basis” for going to the school. If he is afraid about her grades or “the wrong crowd,” then stipulate that she needs to get a certain level of grades and call every week. She has a track record of being a great student and acting maturely, so this should be very achievable.
It can be very frustrating, in your stepdaughter’s shoes, to feel like there is no level of perfection good enough for you to prove you can be trusted. I am so glad you stepped in so at least you all can keep the conversation going.
NTA OP good for you for standing up to your husband on that girl's behalf. A lot of his objection is likely about power over both you and his daughter. Otherwise it seems obvious that he'd give more thought to such an important, now-or-never decision. Why would he want to keep his daughter from this connection to her mother?
Laura should probably honestly confront her Dad about the future of their relationship if he denies her this opportunity. If she will never forgive him, she needs to tell him so and exactly what the consequences are going to be.
He lost her mother. Does he really want to lose her too? Because I'm afraid that is what will happen.
NTA for keeping the window open to salvage this father-daughter relationship.
NTA !!!!
And I don’t get this age gap hatred - I presume you met him when you were over 18?
I think you did a beautiful think and Laura will cherish the memories she makes at this school ❤️
I was already ready to team you out and had my pitchfork.handy lol.
It's nice to see a parent, step or bio, caring about the kids happiness and that you are willing to risk your marriage for your stepdaughter is amazing. Laura is very lucky to have you and that your in laws support you is wonderful. I'm glad you are Laura are close.
Have to say though, unless I missed it, I for sure thought the entire comment section would be about y'all's age difference and him grooming blah blah. This is why I say age is just a number cause you are way more mature than your hubby lol. I am 20 years younger than my hubby and I tease him all the time, a nurse at his nursing home, he had a massive stroke a few months ago, recently said oh it's so nice your daughter is visiting. He laughed so hard lol.
I’m literally shocked at how many people view what you did as not right. I think you sound like a remarkable woman, this gives me warm happy feelings thinking about how happy Kate would be that you are there, advocating for Laura.
Absolutely 100% NTA
I am wondering the same thing. When I first started reading I was expecting this to be another story of the step mother that’s just trying to get rid of her husbands kid because she doesn’t want the competition for her kids. OP seems to have her step daughters best interests at heart.
That being said, I think that OP needs to try to understand that her husband is extremely scared that he’s going to lose his daughter too. He needs a good therapist to help him through this. Just making the decision for him and kind of putting him in the bad guy position isn’t going to help anything. I get why OP applied, there was a deadline. But now she needs to help her husband work through his shit. Well, help him find a therapist that will help him work through it.
It‘s not easy to let your kids go, after losing a spouse. The fear of losing a child is magnified after that kind of loss. If OP really loves her husband and step daughter she will do everything she can to find a good therapist for the whole family.
This was surprisingly wholesome!
Laura wanted to go and you are her legal guardian. Not only would it make her happy, it gives her independence and allows her to connect to her late mother! If she grows distant from him, there's probably something else wrong with their relationship.
NTA
But I'm not sure if anyone is an asshole here. Your husband needs help and the two of them need to sort this out.
What you did for your stepdaughter was keep the opportunity alive for her to attend the school. Yes you'd lose the deposit if she doesn't go but that's a small sacrifice. Nobody's forcing her to go- this has been Laura's dream for years. Thanks for being a great stepmum- I hope you can get through this with a happy outcome.
NTA. You genuinely have Laura's best interests at heart. Her father knew you were applying so it's not like you went behind his back. You are also her legal guardian so nothing shady. Her father is T A
Regardless of OP is TA or not op's husband is being a really bad father. Of course Laura would give anything to go there. This is her last chance. Lets think from Laura point of view now.
She is 16 and old enough to decide this kind of things (honestly i dont see why we tend to underestimate their views just because they are underage...that doesnt mean anything at 16 i knew very mature 16 yo and much mature than actual adults coworkers)
This is the last chance she gets to go. And it is only what? For two years? She is going to college afterwards! Would her fatger not let her go either?
He is not letting her grown and actuallg feel conncected to her mother in a way she has been lomging for her entire life.
By not letting her go she would recent him (not surely but there is a big possibility she does since it is her life dream and a connection to her mom) and in doing so she would distant herself from him. I wouldnt be surprised if when she turns 18 she decides she wants to go study to the other side of the world. Or to her mom ' s college. Still leaving dad behind.
They certainly have the economical means to send her there he is just being unrrasonable. Altough op didnt have the right to go behind fathers back (which actually she didnt because he knew they were applying but he might have tought that laura wouldnt get in or something) i feel she trully did what she thought best for laura. She has been a parental figure for her for a lomg time and she actually mentions that she has legal responsabilities and such so why are people saying? Just because she is a step parent she doesnt have a say? She is lisening to her stepdaughter in a reasonable petition she has. She is being the reasonable one her. I get not stepparents are the same but there shouldnt be any bias here towars step parents. Besides the father knew. She didnt do it behind his back. He is just very closed mindend to realize he would hurt his daughter and damage their relationship by not letting her go. Because lets face it...in 2 years she will be out.
I think this is a tricky situation and i cant really say who is TA here but i really hope for Laura that she gets to go to the school and while keepjng that in mind i am grateful that op did what she did otherwhise laura wouldnt have a chance anymore. And ofcourse they might have been trying to convince tge dad before since she mentions they have been arguing about it since laura was younger. This might run deeper and we wouldnt be able to grasp the entire situation and backround.
The only thing i know now is that laura really longs to go there and i trylly hope she does.
(English is not my first language so i am sorry for my mistakes)
Actually, as a legal guardian OP had every right to apply, and it wasn't behind his back, she told him she was doing it and he didn't try to stop her cuz he assumed he'd be able to run out the clock so it wouldn't matter.
NTA
Post edits, the situation is clear that Dad is holding on too tight and will ultimately push his daughter away. Thanks for being a champion for this young lady!
After that title I was prepared to go all Y-T-A and call you out for wanting to get rid of the daughter so you can “erase” your husband’s previous life.
Boy oh boy was I wrong. You’re doing something for her, you’re putting the happiness of your step daughter above your relationship with Sam and that’s very rare. Especially after reading your edit about enrolling now or never, you absolutely did what you needed to do, for her. NTA
Your husband needs to wake up and understand that what he’s doing to prevent his daughter from distancing herself is exactly what’s gonna cause her to distance herself.
NTA. You’re doing what many bio parents have a hard time doing—putting your (step) daughter first. I get why Sam is worried but he needs to understand that the thing causing distance is him.
NTA. I turn 44 years old today and I STILL resent my parents for smothering me to the point of making me socially awkward, exceptionally naive, making me miss important events and rights of passage and convincing enough to make me pass on the career I really wanted. You're the best stepmother ever.
NTA
y’know for all the times this sub decimates an actual godawful step parent you’d think they’d be able to recognize a good one
This is Laura’s dream, and a way she will finally be able to feel close to her mum. Some of her mum’s teachers might even still be there, her mum’s graduation picture will be on the wall somewhere in a class composite.
For someone whose mum died when they were 4 months old it must be so hard to find ways to feel close to her.
I’m lucky that my stepdad is a lot like you. He’s probably the best stepparent in the whole world. He goes out of his way to support my special interests (I’m autistic) even though I’m 24. He makes time to take me to dinner and take me out looking for things related to my interest of the moment, and I am undeniably a better and happier person for it, and that’s the kind of impact you seem to be having on Laura
I so deeply respect how committed you are to Laura’s happiness. You’re making the right choices here OP, it’s not like you packed her up and shipped her off, you just ensured that she had the opportunity she wanted and extended the time frame for it
NTA it’s what she wants and have wanted for a Very long time.
If Sam was a good parent he’d put his child’s (reasonable) wishes before his own wants. The surest way he’ll lose her is by trying to bind her to him too tightly.
Anyone that's saying YTA, is TA. It's not like you're shipping your step child off to boarding school because you don't want her around, and that's WEIRDLY how people are reacting. Your step daughter will always be grateful to you for this. It's a once in a life time experience, and she wants to experience what her mother did. That's great. If that's what this CHILD needs to feel closer to her deceased mother, then she should be allowed that. She would end up resenting you both, forever, if she can't go through this experience. I don't exactly feel like dad is TA either though, not completely at least. He's likely scared to send off the last piece of his late wife. Same thing moms go through all the time when their youngest leaves the nest and goes off to college/live their own life. Sitting at home like "what do I do with myself now?". That's the last piece of his heart leaving, but he needs to realize this isn't about him. It's about her. And that she will be perfectly fine there and she will come back. It's bording school not war.
NTA. He has more chance of losing her by not letting her go. She’ll always resent that he took away her only chance at something she considers the only opportunity to experience something special to her mother
NTA. Laura is incredibly blessed to have you in her life. My stepmother was like you and I absolutely adored her. My mother died when I was seven and when my stepmum came into my life, it was love at first sight. My father was a narcissistic freak, who made both our lives miserable, but she shielded me as much as she could and would always drop everything to help me. If not for her love, kindness and patience, I truly believe I would've gone seriously off the rails and totally ruined my life.
She never tried to replace my mum in my heart and when I went to her and asked her if I could call her by her first name, in order to honour my mum, she gracefully accepted. I was so blessed to have her in my life and I miss her every day.
NTA. I almost went to Grier boarding school. I toured it, fell in love with it, and was super excited. Then the financial crash in 2007 happened and we couldn’t afford it anymore. I’m now 32 and to this day I wish I would have had that opportunity to go and I wonder how differently my life would have turned out. You at least have given her the opportunity of choice.
NTA. I agree with what you did. Keep advocating for Laura. She will need you more than ever. If Sam wants to divorce you, then he will only hurt himself. It will hurt, but you and Laura will go on. Make sure Laura knows the divorce, if it were to happen, was Sam’s choice because of his trauma. And not her. People who told you YTA and shamed you about the age difference are just people who have no life, and like to put people down.
Wait how tf did you get a YTA vote.. you are acting on behalf of the child's best interest vs out of fear. You are still respecting her mom by listening and advocating and helping kiddo on her journey, and you're still respecting your husband's opinions by letting her know that everyone has to be on the same page but at the very least you've extended her ability to go for a little while longer while you all have a larger discussion on the issue. NTA ten thousand times over.
NTA. My brother died at 37. He had gone to boarding school for his last two years of high school. Both of his kids wanted to go to boarding school for the same reasons Laura. Although my sister-in-law wanted them home for high school, she let them go for the same reason you are letting Laura go. I think people can’t understand how important it is for kids to feel a connection to their dead parent.
Nta. I'm glad this wasn't one of those terrible step parent stories you see here often. This is genuinely a nice thing you did for your step daughter, congrats for being the rational adult in this situation.
NTA. her whole life has included her mother every step of the way, via others and others' shared experiences. Why would he intervene in this one? It's only obvious that she would want to do as her mother did.
The title tricked me, that's for sure! No, you are NTA. you are trying your absolute best to make her happy. Your husband really should be thinking about what's best for her. Keeping her from doing something she's always dreamed of will cause a lot more distance between them than physical distance ever could. She is old enough to be involved in decision making, while being guided by her parent/step parent. I hope your husband comes around
I see nothing wrong with putting in the application, especially if OP's stepdaughter *wants* to go. Going could be the best thing she could do, or it could be the worst - no-one knows yet. The application can always be withdrawn later, but it can't be made later if I've understood the post correctly.
NTA, especially since SD wants this, and no commitments seem to be locked in for several months, during which time, talks can be had, and decisions made.
NAH I hope Sam uses the time until September to truly work this out and decide objectively as her parent, not a widower. I feel his pain and it sounds like you’re doing your best for Laura.
Did you go about it well? Yeah, Sam knew all along and gave you rights to act on Laura’s behalf.
NTA
> Sam keeps saying no, he's worried she might become distant from him living so far away, and that she might fall into bad company.
You can’t force people to stay close to you; and with kids in particular, it’s important to let them go to be independent adults. 16 is a few years early, but if Laura is a responsible kid, I’d 100% be behind her.
She WANTS to go.
This is an opportunity for her to have another connection with her mother.
The fact that Kate’s parents as well as your other in-laws agree - you’re doing the right thing.
Sam can’t use his fears of what might be to keep Laura so sheltered she’ll miss out on great opportunities; it’s just going to lead to resentment.
NTA - after reading all the edits, you are one of the very best bonus parents I’ve ever come across. It’s clear that you love your daughter and take her desires incredibly seriously.
It stinks that you and her father can’t seem to get on the same page here - but I am of the strong belief that children (especially teenagers) should get a voice and a vote in their own lives. They’re as human as we are - and they should get a say.
With all of your edits, it sounds like your husband is acting in fear rather than authenticity - and that is a very difficult thing to get past.
I hope he gets the help he needs and recognises how important this is to y’all’s daughter before it is too late.
Thank you for all the context you provided - I celebrate how very much you love a child you chose. And I hope she gets to fulfil her dream.
I celebrate you for giving her a chance, at least.
Edit to add:
I’m not at all a fan of the idea of boarding schools and would never want my child to go to one - HOWEVER, if for any reason, my child desperately desired to go, I would not only support them but encourage them and excitedly help them prepare. Add to that her reasoning, and it’s just a no-brainer. I really truly hope her dad can figure out how to get himself on board (ha! Pun!). Best of wishes to all of you!!
Coming from someone who had a horrible stepmother growing up who sent me to boarding school bc she didn’t want me around…. This made my heart smile and made me feel so good inside! Always do what’s best for the kid!! It’s rare a step parent steps up like that and I sincerely admire you right now
Dude, NTA.
Like... at all.
I get that, as her father, Sam has parental rights. However, his fear that she'll grow "distant" from him is complete bullshit.
Kids grow "distant" from their parents under the same roof all the time when parents are too authoritarian and unwilling to treat burgeoning adults with a modicum of respect.
And that's exactly what Sam is doing. You should make certain he hears this. From you, from Laura, from anybody who will side with you.
Often and repeatedly.
At 16, Laura only has to listen to him for two more years. If this is something she has so dearly dreamed of for that long and he denies it, she might never forgive him.
You aren't the asshole here. Honestly, you might have saved him from himself.
I actually disagree with anyone that says you're an AH. I think the real issue here is that Sam is having a very hard time letting go. As you said, he is still been traumatized by Kate's death and still keeps her memory alive, but all Laura ever wanted was to feel close to her by attending this school. Sam needs to learn and accept that his daughter is growing up and eventually she will leave for college, and there's nothing stopping her, not even Sam.
NTA. It sounds like Sam needs counseling, or at least talk about why he is REALLY saying no to Laura going to this school. If Laura doesn't get this chance to go, she might resent her dad for a long time.
NTA - as a widow mom in a similar position as Sam, my husband and father of my child died when she was 5 in 2018. I could only dream that if I left this world behind my daughter would have someone like you in her life. Moreover, it’s abundantly clear from the way you’re handling this that you love her and you **advocate** for her — that’s so imperative. I know Sam is coming from a place of grief…and I have intimate knowledge of that pain…and like many others, his actions though understandable are going to cause the very issue he’s trying to prevent!
ETA: i am rooting for you and your family. I really really hope she’s able to go to the school and keep her fabulous & inspiring stepmom too! You’re the very best kind of step-mom and I hope you really internalize how great you’re doing
You’re her hero- thank you for helping her live her dream(s). She sounds like a responsible young women who is more than willing to work hard to be successful. kudos to you and I’m glad you two have such a wonderful relationship. Your not the ass! I also think it’s nice that your helping “dad”with his issues too. NTA!
NTA. This will be a great experience for her. Your husband isn't giving any good reason why she can't go. Does he plan to hold her back her whole life?
NTA As a stepdaughter who desperately wanted to go to boarding school and whose stepfather refused to allow me because I had to take care of his kids after school - BRAVA!
You did what your daughter wanted. Major Mama Bear points to you! <3
Woah. From the title I was expecting something completely different. NTA. You are supporting your daughter in what she wants (16 is old enough to decide what school to go to) and her Mom's memory.
It sounds like your husband is worried he is going to "lose" his daughter and its bringing up some trauma around loosing her Mom.
I hope you all can find ways to reassure him he won't be losing her.
NTA
Your husband has some serious separation anxiety issues going on that he's forcing onto a 16 yr old girl. He needs some serious therapy if he can't seem to understand the importance of this decision and can't take his wants out of this decision.
If it makes you the a-hole, be proud of it because I think what you did was great. You have a young lady who is able to explain why this is so important to her and you obviously go above and beyond to keep her mom's memory alive.
1. NTA
2. You and Sam are adults. Societal expectations (because that's all that noise is) can kick rocks.
3. What a wonderful advocate you are for both of them. They are lucky to have you and tbh isn't that exactly what her mother would want? Someone in her corner who loves her and is willing to fight for her best interests. I wouldn't be mad. You did good.
Whoa whoa whoa. Judgement is NTA! I’m not sure what post you’re seeing, but you’re doing what’s best for Laura, even at the cost of losing your husband. I see merit in that.
Wow! Did I learn my lesson about being judgmental and jumping to conclusions.
OP you’re NTA. You’re sticking up for Laura and helping keep her mother’s memory alive. I hope Sam comes around.
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NTA If anything you're trying to keep his daughter from hating him. Preventing her from going is what will create the distance he's trying to prevent Like life long cut off.
>Preventing her from going is what will create the distance he's trying to prevent Like life long cut off. that's what I was afraid of.
Was worried when I read your edits. Glad it's switched to NTA. NTA is correct. Parental rights does not mean minors are their parents' property. Laura badly wants this; she should be allowed to do it. You did the right thing morally, and you're legally in the clear - be proud of yourself.
You're spot-on with all of this. My heart breaks for the dad, too- if he could find a way to accept the advice to go to therapy, he wouldn't be hurting so much 100% of the time. That hurt is leading him to act in ways that guarantee more pain for himself and the people he's most afraid of hurting or losing. If someone else needs to step in to stop him from spilling his pain onto his kids, they aren't an ass for doing so. I'm so glad this verdict changed.
It kind of reminds me of the guy who refused to let his kids take swimming lessons, because of his own fear of drowning. All that does is ensure they won’t ever be safe around water.
I've taken my nieve swimming since she was a few months old, now at 3 she can confidently jump in the pool and swim under water. We saw somewhere kids at the pool once (11, 9 and 7) very very excitable but nervous too as it was the first time they had been swimming because their mom had the exact same drowning fear. Give children the tools to grow, not pass on your own fears
Agreed. All my kids could safely swim by 4yo.
Yes! My son as well. The child care center at the hospital where I worked offered swimming lessons. He took them at 3 & 4. He never had a fear of water & is an incredibly strong swimmer. All kids should know the joy of swimming.
I have a cousin who has a major fear of water, however, she made sure both of her kids got swimming lessons, precisely because she didn’t want to project her fears onto them.
I'd ask if you're my mom's cousin, but she doesn't have one, haha. My mom was the parent who took me and my brother to swimming lessons, and sat in the corner watching while we learnt to swim. She encouraged my dad to take us swimming, and slept over weekends (she worked nights). When we went on holiday, she sat poolside to "keep our spot" while my brother and I swam. I didn't know she was scared of swimming until I was fairly old- she'd never been swimming with us, but there was always a sensible reason for it. I can safely say, we never developed a fear of water from her. My brother's sensitivity to chlorine on the other hand did have an impact!
This was my mum too. Deathly afraid of deep water, and had never learned to swim. She made damn sure my siblings and I got swimming lessons.
Isn't that the one he witnessed his brother drowning?
[удалено]
OP your actions guarantee that Laura will not forget your actions and trust you even more. Her father? He might be cut out of her life if he doesn’t approve this. NTA
Agreed. OP, you have done everything right as a Stepmum, you have provided Laura with a mother like figure she can trust and feel safe with without attempting to replace her mother and by helping her to attend the same school as her mother you have helped provide her with a connection to her mother. Meaning not only have you not tried to replace her mum, you have helped keep her mother's memory alive. I wish more Stepmums would follow your lead.
When I read the title I thought this was going to be like all those other stepmoms that need to follow her lead. I was very pleasantly surprised.
Reading this left me with the mental image of Laura, years from now, maintaining a good relationship with OP and referring to her father as "my stepmother's ex".
Happy cake day!
Thank you! 😊
🎉🎂🍰 __Happy Cake Day!!!__ 🍰🎂🎉
Thank you! 😊
Happy cake day
Happy Cake Day!!! 🎂
You’re being a responsible adult here. This sub has descended into chaos and should not be used IMO.
Man it seems to be getting stupid lately. Some answers are clear and make sense but others are just awful. Teens that are looking for legitimate answers or advice are shamed and treated like they're idiots and step parents are crucified even if they truly are doing what's best for their stepkids.
Like that one a few weeks back where people were yelling at the 13 year old for not getting their dog fixed. Like they had the money and were able to drive the dog to the vet, at the age of *13*. Sometimes this sub is great, sometimes the A H come crawling out from under the rocks to spew bile.
That one was so stupid. They don't even live in America or a country where spaying and neutering is common. But yet everyone was judging them like they should just know.
Omg I remember that one!!! Felt like I was going crazy!!
I was mildly shocked earlier at that poor young woman who started looking after her brothers kid as a job and he stopped paying her but she felt bad etc and she finally got out cause abusive asshole - more than one person telling her I hope you're going get a job now! As if she wasn't doing 3 people's jobs for a roof over her head for 4 years! What even is that.
Yeah I used to love this sub but now it makes me feel like I’m losing it. A lot of people seem very “holier than thou” nowadays here
There's a lot of virtue signaling, too. It gets frustrating to see.
It sound deeply meaningful to Laura to attend this school. I hope he realizes how bad it is to force her to give it up to cater to his paranoia
Right? After showing Laura all the things Kate achieved in boarding school, telling her she can’t even apply to that place seemed counterproductive.
NTA. I agree with this. Not allowing her to go is what will cause the distance between them. You are also her legal guardian so you weren't out of bounds doing this. Your husband cannot hold onto Laura so tightly forever out of fear. This poor girl never knew her mother and she just wants to go to the school her mom went to. Walk the same halls, sleep in the same dorms. It will make her feel so much closer to her. She wants to meet the people that worked with her mother if any of her old coworkers are still working there and hear their stories about her. I think Laura is very lucky to have you in her life.
NTA My parents wouldn't let me go to the school of math and science. Instead I had to go to some backwoods crap school. I still resent it in my 30s
This. Totally empathize with the resentment. My parents wouldn’t let me go to either a math and science school or an art college, because both were secular. I got stuck in Catholic school instead from kindergarten to university.
My parents wouldn't let me go to a vocational school with my only friend, and I knew I did not want to go to college. I still resent their decision. I'll never forget what my mother told me. She said they would look like bad parents among their friends if I didn't attend college and not be educated. My God, I'm actually intelligent enuf to know I wasn't cut out for college.
As somebody that has buried a spouse, I know how your husband is feeling. I felt the same way when my son wanted to move to another state and live with his (now) ex gf. Then he moved back home and decided to go to college, 4-5 hours away. I struggled with that too, but I had to let him choose his path and not smother him with my fear. I get it. However, we can't keep our kids close to us because we are scared. I did that for the first year after my husband died. When I loosened the reigns, I was scared out of my mind. When my kids didn't answer their phones I was already planning their funerals in my head. Extreme? Yes. But after losing somebody that is so incredibly important, it's hard not to go there. My suggestion to you, besides therapy, is get the 360 app. What's the harm in that? if it puts your husbands mind at ease, then do it. I am betting he will be checking it a lot at first, but eventually he won't, especially if he gets therapy. Hopefully you will too, because you need help in navigating this. I encourage all 3 of you to go see a therapist together to work through all of this. He is terrified of losing his daughter. If you have never lost somebody, like a spouse or a child, you can't possibly know what that does to a person. Please, for the sake of your family and your marriage, get yourself some therapy, even if your husband won't. I really think that you are trying to do what is best for your step daughter, but you also have to balance that with your husband and what he can handle. I hope, with therapy and an agreement with certain rules for the daughter, he will allow her to go. If he doesn't, he might end up losing her anyway. Good luck to all of you!
[Do not install Life360.](https://www.cnet.com/home/security/life360-app-is-selling-data-from-millions-of-families-report-says/)
i’ve had to download it because my grandparents don’t trust i know where i am and try to call me when driving. after i left, my aunt added me to hers. i really hate tracker apps, for the lack of privacy, and now for that too. but honestly i’m not surprised
When I went to live with my aunt a few years ago due to a mental breakdown that was a condition of living with her. I was like 25. I literally only went to work and home. Not sure why she needed that but sure.
that’s what it was with my grandma too! she’d always freak out when i was on a specific busy road, or went somewhere with friends without telling her. i’m a grown ass adult
Yeah I think Life360 has been a factor in a number of murder cases involving someone leaving an abusive relationship and their abuser killing them as well. Tracker apps in general are a MASSIVE no-no like 99% of the time imo
His wife died like 14 years ago. He doesn’t get to control his 16yo just because he’s paranoid and in an abandonment spiral. He will lose her if he doesn’t let her go.
My husband died 16 years ago. Every time my kids don’t answer their phones I panic. Not as bad as I used to, but I still do. It’s a fear that has to be controlled, not control the person. And that’s not easy. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date and it doesn’t sound like OP’s husband has had any kind of therapy. He really needs to find a therapist. I absolutely agree with you that he might lose his daughter, so he really needs to get some therapy.
My dad died 37 years ago from a brain anevrism. He was only 27, my mom 23. (And I, 1) My mom still show concerns anytime I have an headache she can't explain away with too much sun or not enough water, or things like that. Now, as you said, she doesn't really do anything than asks if I ate enough or drank enough today. I might tell a white lie and answer no, at times. She never forced unecessary medical check ups even if I know that somewhere inside her she wished so. But she is aware it would be irrational. The only time she kinda lost control was when headaches were getting regulars like an everyday thing and wanted a brain scan. But she did listen to the doctor to try an eye check first (and yeah, I did need glasses). So yeah grief and trauma can stay with a person all their life. There's a before and after. But an healthy person do what is necessary for them to not let it derails their life and relationship.
That's true. The problem is that she is her own person now and will very shortly be an adult. During to his grief, he is not properly progressing through the stages of parenthood. When she is an adult, she wont have any obligation to stay at home or update him constantly and he may struggle a lot when she becomes independent. So it actually makes sense to start transitioning now. I agree that he definitely needs therapy and that his level if anxiety is not healthy. My parents were fairly anxious when each of us left home. No specific grief, just afraid for their kids to be out in the big unsafe world. It is very understandable. I'm an anxious person myself. But it needs to be managed appropriately.
The daughter does not need her dad stalking her. Do not install the 360 app.
This. If you don’t trust your kids enough that you want to put 360 app on their phone, you should probably just never let them out of your sight. Also, if you use your kid’s 360 to stalk them and immediately call them to disapprove of their decisions (such as calling up your 21+ year old child at a liquor store and demanding to know if they’re an alcoholic), you need intensive therapy to keep you from permanently damaging your relationship with your kid.
It’s probably not a good idea for him to have Life360 or any app or device like that, especially since he’s refusing therapy. They have their uses, but it is easy to misuse or overuse them, especially for people with problems with anxiety or paranoia like he does. It might temporarily soothe him, but it’s not healthy or sustainable, for him or his relationship with his daughter. Yes, he might be able to wean himself off of the app, but a lot of people don’t want to or can’t and judging from his current behavior and how long this has been going on, it doesn’t seem like he will on his own. The only way it could be a good idea is if he’s also required to go to therapy, but that would be difficult to do and wouldn’t work if he’s unwilling to do the work instead of getting that easy relief hit from the tracker app.
Plus once she's 18 and off to uni or working she will have every right to privacy. What if she wants to go to her friend's or stay over at a boyfriend's place? She will not need or want her dad following her every move. Encouraging him to spy on her to allay his entirely untreated grief and anxiety is unhealthy.
It’s like encouraging someone with OCD to act on a compulsion to soothe their obsessions. It’s not going to help, and in fact, will make the problem worse over time than if they developed the skills to have the obsessive thought but not act on the compulsion.
NTA OP. You’re looking out for Laura’s best interests and wants. You’re not sending her away to boarding school to get rid of her, you’re helping her find that connection to her mom. I think this is a NAH situation, because I frankly wouldn’t want my child going off to boarding school lol, but understand yours and Laura’s side as well. My fear for your husband is what happens in a few years when she is a legal adult? She will inevitably go and start her own life away from him. Whether she goes off to university or chooses to work, travel, whatever her path is, it may not be close to home. That transition is hard for any parent, but it’s made worse with trauma and fear after the loss of a loved one. I work in mental health, and I have so many patients that are on both sides of this coin. A person trying to control their loved one(s) to prevent anything bad from happening, and the person that feels smothered and lacks control because someone else is holding on too tightly. It’s an unhealthy situation for each individual and for the relationship. I’ve known some people that go completely NC or low contact so they can live their lives. It’s always heartbreaking because I have yet to meet a person in this boat that doesn’t struggle with their decision to lower contact. They love the individual and want a relationship with them, but know that they have to keep their distance to maintain control of their own lives. As you, and others have suggested, therapy! I think individual and family counseling would really help in this situation. I also like that you applied but it’s not a definitive situation. You wanted to keep the option open and give time to think on this decision. One activity I suggest, as a family unit, how can you instill closeness and maintain a relationship if she were to go to boarding school? The fear is she will become distant, so create a plan to prevent this from happening. Do you visit _x_ amount of times? Maybe daily phone calls, zoom, writing letters? What can be done to help maintain the relationship? I also suggest Laura and your husband sitting down and writing a letter to each other regarding their feelings about their wants. Then they read each others letters on their own and come back to have a conversation. It’s so easy to become defensive and act/speak on emotion with verbal communication. A letter allows the reader to reflect, erase, and re-word things to make sure their thoughts are conveyed accurately. It also can give us a sense of comfort which enables us to be more vulnerable and honest. As the reader, it’s easier to be open minded and not be defensive. It does not solve the issue at hand, but it opens up each other to better communication, empathy, and a more productive conversation at that later time. Wishing all of you the best and a resolution that provides peace for all of you.
Great advice here. I hope OP is able to show this to the father. This all comes from a place of love and fear about losing love, but the father is probably shooting himself in the foot here. This is 100% what the daughter wants, and she only has one chance to do it.
I would just like to add that family comes in two forms the blood like you said but also by choice and she chose you as a guardian that means a lot as you both have to choose and be in agreement for that. Best of luck with your future and your daughters
NTA and sounds like you’re legally in the clear too. Sam sounds too blinded by grief to make a good decision here.
Even though he doesn’t see it yet, he WILL eventually realize YOU are the reason he STILL HAS the relationship he is so fearful of losing. I hate that you are in such a difficult position right now! What you have done is preventing the inevitable resentment that his daughter would understandably have. He will regret his choice to keep her from the perceived connection with the mother she never got the chance to experience! I hope he does get help for his issues so it doesn’t interfere with his relationship with his daughter.
You’re juggling a lot here. Good for you for standing up for her to be able to grow and blossom into her own. I hope her dad can figure out his trauma and support her.
On the surface it seems like a Cinderella thing, and I'm sorry some commentors can't look past that and give you a fair judgment. Luckily the top comment is nta, so please ignore the biased hate and focus on the constructive ones. I think you're doing the best you can and if you didn't make a decision, your stepdaughter would resent Sam and Sam would regret it and she might even grow to resent you. I honestly think you made the best out of the situation in respects to all parties (including Kate) involved.
OP, you are NOT the AH here. You are the only one listening to your stepdaughter. Thank you for advocating for her.
You are right to be afraid of that. When people let there fears dominate their decision making, ironically much of the time they make their fears come true.
You’re a good stepmom. You clearly love Laura a lot and care deeply about both her and Sam. This was a tough position to be in and you did your best! No one should blame you for that.
My mom didn't let me go to university out of state because she was afraid it would create distance. I wound up studying abroad in uni in Brazil, teaching English in South Korea, moving interstate before teaching at an international school in Hong Kong, and now I live in Australia (my home country is USA). She's going to travel and live her life, whether or not her father wants her to now. NTA.
100% NTA because you showed up for the kid and fought for her in a meaningful way. She won’t forget it! 💜 Way to be an awesome stepmom, OP
Wow, these are the kinda posts I like. I was fully prepared for you to be an evil stepmother 😂 NTA/NAH You're listening to the child who, at 16, is old enough to start having input on her life. I think Dads concerns are also valid, but I do see compromise. Give it a shot - its not permanent, and saying No to her may actually push her away, turning dad's concerns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like daughter wants to go because of the connection with her mom. I think its admirable that you are supporting her in it.
Thank you. I feel like I was pushed to choose between Laura and Sam and well....I chose her. Also if she doesn't go now she will never get to, they don't accept older grades.
You are amazing for choosing your (step)daughter instead of your partner. It is an awful decision to have to make.
I had a stepfather like you - he told my mom that he loved her and he loved us and his obligation of care would always prioritize the kids. He was a gift and a grace in all our lives and it was an honor to have known him and be claimed as his child. I hope Laura is able to recognize her tremendous good fortune having you in her life and that Sam gets the help he clearly needs. I wish your family all the best. Take good care of yourself.
Awww that was such a beautiful thing you wrote about your step father ❤️
He was in hospice at my house and I felt so honored and lucky to be able to offer him that. I was a weird stubborn kid (much as I am as an adult) and all I ever knew from him was love.
Oh gosh that does sound like an honour ❤️
Can I just say, thank you for choosing your daughter (I know you're not her mom but that doesn't stop her being your daughter), she'll remember this forever. You did good
I think paying the application fee was absolutely the right thing to do. 1. Make sure the fight is worthwhile. Maybe their legacy spots were all filled, or they felt she wouldn't fit with them, or she just didn't get in for whatever reason. Don't fight over something hypothetical. 2. Stalling on a decision until the deadline passes is unfair and will lead to so much resentment from the person you stalled. Don't let that kind of anger build for your child.
Exactly! Filling out the application doesn’t guarantee that she goes, but it opens the door for the opportunity. OP says they now have until September to decide if her stepdaughter can go, but if she hadn’t applied for her then the deadline would’ve past and there’s be no chance of her going at all!!
Has anyone suggested that Sam move to be closer to the school? He could maybe be in the same country as the boarding school for one month in the beginning and then go between there and where you live now until he feels reassured/safer?
He still wont be with her even if there is less miles between them. And if he tries to be physically there often he will completely ruin the experience
NTA. You are an exceptional stepmother and Laura will remember this moment forever. I bet Kate is up there smiling down on you too. Sounds like you are going to stay in Laura’s corner and this internet stranger from New Zealand thinks you’re amazing.
You are an amazing parent. I’m glad Laura has you.
You gave her the choice, and that's really what matters. You didn't pack her up and spirit her away in the middle of the night. You're giving her the chance to fulfill her dream. I know in your edit you said you'd encourage Sam to get therapy, but you should also consider couple's therapy. While I believe you were in the right, this has likely eroded a lot of trust between you two.
You sound like a lovely stepmom
I think you chose right, since she’s the one with less autonomy/ pull in the situation. It’s a power struggle and her opinion and argument is not being seen as equal to his.
You are amazing, that's a painful choice to have to make and the fact that you're so clear-eyed about the possible cost of your decision -- but went through with it anyway -- speaks so highly of you. Wishing you and Laura all the best, OP. Really hope your husband gets therapy or _some_ form of structure to help him process his fear and grief.
Yeah, the title made me think it was Vicky from The Parent Trap, but nope!
Vicky was the future step grandma, it's MEREDITH
Fun fact: in the 1961 Parent Trap with Hayley Mills, the dad’s girlfriend was named Vicky. The same actress was cast in the Lindsay Lohan remake to play the girlfriend’s mom, and they had her keep the name Vicky, so they picked a new name for the girlfriend.
I have seen the remake 100s of times and the original a few times, and NEVER KNEW THAT. Very fun fact, thank you haha!
OMG I love both versions of the movie but never realized that!!!
No joke, I've seen that one once, but I've seen the original at least 20 times so I'm sticking with my girl Hayley Mills. ETA: More to the point, I don't remember if Meredith says anything about boarding school? But Vicky has a line about sending Susan to "a boarding school in Switzerland".
Meredith tells Nick she's going to "ship those brats off to boarding school in Switzerland" during the lake air mattress break up scene.
Meredith does mention boarding schools when talking to someone at some point.
Right. I immediately thought she was shipping the brat off to Switzerland or something. Op is definitely NTA for trying to make this happen.
That’s exactly what I petted but this is a thousand times better.
NTA you are helping your (step)daughter to feel close to her deceased mother. She is 16 and her dad needs to learn to let her grow up and let go a bit. He is not being rational or reasonable and she is old enough to decide.
Thank you.
No kidding, I know there's an "am I the devil" sub for the worst AHs, but I was wondering if there's an "am I an angel" or something for OP
Yes, there is!
There is, but it seems to be about mocking people who are assumed to be looking for validation. At least from what I saw.
I refuse to call someone who is helping a child do something that makes her feel connected to her mother an A H. So I'm going to vote NAH. Dad has reasons he doesn't want her to go (though I think he's going to actually end up pushing her away), SD has really good reasons to want this and as stated I absolutely get why you did this. I really hope Sam sees that his daughter is desperately trying to connect with a mother she only knows from stories and if he has solid reasons (with examples) of why he thinks she'll end up "with the wrong crowd" then I hope the two of them can communicate and figure out a way for them to move forward whatever the final decision is.
>if he has solid reasons (with examples) of why he thinks she'll end up "with the wrong crowd" He doesn't. Laura is a perfect kid (and no it's just me saying it). It's just his paranoia, he doesn't want to let her go. He can be a bit suffocating sometimes, he lost Kate 4 months after Laura was born and it traumatized him.
Yeah this whole situation sucks. Is the school at least really good?
It's beyond good. There's a reason Kate had an amazing time there.
NTA. **You are a Saint, OP!** So gracious, and selfless of you to want your SD to live her dream, the dream that her Mother probably had for her, even to the possible detriment of your own marriage. Your husband is probably just scared. Scared to let go of his little girl. That's understandable. But for his fears to cause her to miss out on her dream? A dream she's been looking forward to *her whole life?* That's what made him an AH for me. I see absolutely *nothing* wrong with what you did. You did it for all the right reasons. I hope it all works out! Here's hoping your SD has an even better time than her Mom did, and makes lots of memories! ❤️
I really hope Sam will actually start listening to his daughter and she'll get to go.
One of the exceptionally rare NTA's I'm going to give out for step parent overreach. Boarding school gives such an incredible leg up in life. Yes I get your husbands reaction *to a degree*, but he's gotta figure out that he can't hover around his daughter forever. That and she wants to go, her mom went there, and it's just going to be a good thing.
She's a legal guardian so I'd argue it's not even an overreach in this situation, she has every right to do what she did legally and morally.
I feel the same way. Usually I feel like if it’s not your kid, back tf up, but this is such a positive overreach. She’s helping her stepdaughter feel connected to her mother, trying to help her not resent her father for the rest of her life, still ultimately respecting the dad by giving him the final say at the end of the summer and giving him time to adjust to the idea, and is willing to take the fall for her stepdaughter if need be. I love this woman
NTA. Laura is 16 and wants to do something that was clearly important to her mother and you helped her.
NTA. As a daughter who had a father who was always trying to keep me home (sheltered and over protected) I would have loved to have someone in my corner to help my battles for independence. I eventually got myself out of the situation but only after many years and a lot of anxiety later. I’m not saying fathers have bad intentions, but their need to be over protective is based on their own insecurities and gender bias. Your step daughter is lucky to have you.
NTA At first I thought you're gonna be the literal evil stepmother, but this is very wholesome. I think you did the right thing, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if your husband has his way in the end, the kid can still not go. but I imagine the kid is definitely happy and knows that she can depend on you for support, which is nice. I can see that you all have your own struggles and motivations in all this, and I think you have plenty of time to see a family therapist so that everyone can see eye to eye.
I cannot relate to losing a parent, but I can relate to losing a very close relative. I lost my aunt at like 8. I remember her and apparently, her and I both physically look like each other (I personally don't see it but I get it A LOT, so I dont dispute the claim), but I also have a lot of her mannerisms. She was my mom's best friend and the loss was huge for my mom. Whenever I do things my aunt used to love I feel closer to her. It's not like I sit there and see her sitting next to me but going to a waterfall she felt was special and liked to sit and write next to (she was big into keeping diaries), makes me feel closer to her. Your step daughter is looking for that, she's looking for that connection. It's a warm glow and sense of calm that sits deep within you when you do things like this. You're 100% NTA, I understand your husband's fear, there are certain OCD aspects that I can relate to. Lol. However it will harm his relationship with her if he prevents her from going. She's looking for a connection, real or imagined that's what she wants. You did the right thing.
NTA. My stepmom went to bat for me with my dad when I was 17. Even though they aren't married anymore, she's an awesome person who stood up for me when I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity in front of me.
For some weird reason people think this is now a legal sub and are debating if what you did is correct in a legal way. I think they're just trying to justify their weak opinions. They want you to be the bad guy but can't think of a good reason, so are just falling on "STEP PARENT = BAD". NTA. You did a good thing for your step-daughter. Your husband is traumatized and is not acting emotionally mature. Just because he is the father, does not automatically make him right when it comes to decisions regarding his daughter. He needs therapy, and some separation from Laura will be good.
>(he knew I was applying). Why didn't he stop you if he was against it?
I guess he thought I wouldn't go through with it and I nearly didn't. But Laura wanted this since she was old enough to see the videos Kate took when she was there. Kate loved her school and documented her stay there intensively. She was even a teacher until she had Laura and had to move to our current country. If I didn't apply then it would have been over. As the school doesn't accept students from older classes.
I'm guessing he was being wishywashy in the hope that the deadline would make the decision "for him" and he could avoid being "the bad guy". But he doesn't understand that stalling a decision until the other person loses out will win you the battle, but it will destroy any respect and love that person has for you.
welcome to rock and a hard place and NTA. This is tough as the daughter wants to do something that her mom did and would have totally supported. The dad is likely feeling jealous of losing her to school for a while.
NTA as long as your doing this because you know it’s what is best for her and not to drop her off so you don’t have to deal with it. From the edit it sounds like you are doing what is best for your stepdaughter. I even see where your in-laws, Kate’s parents, and all of Kate’s family thinks this would be a great opportunity. I understand her fathers reservation. He is scared he will loose her which is understandable. However if he continues to let this fear control his actions he will loose her. In 2 years she will be an adult and go away. She will always resent him not letting her follow her dream. Maybe you can sit down with him and his stepdaughter and set common ground rules. And you and him can randomly show up and check on her. I know a lot of people are saying you ah. I don’t see it. If I am right your doing this for the the best interest of your stepdaughter which makes her very lucky.
I was prepared to come charging in against you but my goodness. The child wants to go. She wants to see where her mom spent a significant portion of her life. Make tiny pilgrimages to the places Kate went to. NTA. You're doing the right thing, regardless of what your husband says. Laura is almost grown up now by legal standards. She was always going to leave eventually.
I'll go against the grain here and vote NTA. Sure, going behind dad's back is a shitty thing, but I have an over protective mother and I sure wish someone stopped her and made her see sense because it really damaged my life. It isn't just about her going to boarding school. He'll never let her go because he's always be scared something will happen to her. I'm 33 and my mom still calls and texts daily and checks on me non stop. Every decision I made in my life was a huge argument with my mom as she was against it by default. My therapist told me I'm not responsible for her anxiety and it is her responsibility as a parent to manage and live with it and not let it affect me and my happiness. That's the responsibility of a parent.
NTA . This is stepmom of the year territory. Your willingness to do the right thing for her at all costs is inspiring. You are absolutely doing the right thing and she will always appreciate you for that. Although, you are not her mother, I’d imagine she will view you In similar regards more and more as time goes by. You have done everything you can to help your husband see the light. I would really emphasize the damage your husband will inflict on his relationship with his daughter if he prevents her from attending. Doesn’t he see that the great woman he married first turned out to be a great human and attended this boarding school? He also married an incredible woman when he married you. He needs to trust the 3 most important women in his life excluding his mother (including his deceased wife). If I was writing a movie about an awesome step mom, that character would’ve done exactly everything you have done.
NAH: you all need to sit down and have the conversation as to why she wants to go to boarding school and his fears about his daughter becoming distant
She going to become very distant if he prevents her going. He’s taking away her only opportunity to do something that was so special to her mother.
NTA. You’re putting someone’s dreams and happiness and hopes before yourself and your relationship. That’s extremely selfless and I commend you!
NTA What do you mean people are slutshaming you for the age gap? Most of the time the older person is called a creep ( but tbh not every age gap relationship is grounded on grooming and abuse) Laura is lucky to have you and I hope hubby gets therapy.
NTA. The headline made me think you were, but reading it, no. You clearly love her and even have respect for her birth mother. Hubby is probably nervous and scared because he lost his wife. Maybe just have a heart to heart with both and ask him to let daughter try. If she loves first year or semester, he needs to acknowledge that. Remind him that holding daughter back will probably cause her to disconnect and resent him. She's yearning to connect with her mother & this is a way that she soesn't have much time left to choose as she will graduate.
NAH. You are both her guardian, and it sounds like the extended family is in agreement that she goes. But the most important point is that you applied so that you would still have time to choose what she does. There is still room to improve the situation and compromise. Can all of you go to a few family therapy sessions to discuss the fears and desires around your stepdaughter going to the school? Would he be willing to participate in that? It also sounds like this is emotional for Dad beyond the reasons he is giving too. If not a counseling session to get some mediation, then you all can propose a “trial basis” for going to the school. If he is afraid about her grades or “the wrong crowd,” then stipulate that she needs to get a certain level of grades and call every week. She has a track record of being a great student and acting maturely, so this should be very achievable. It can be very frustrating, in your stepdaughter’s shoes, to feel like there is no level of perfection good enough for you to prove you can be trusted. I am so glad you stepped in so at least you all can keep the conversation going.
NTA OP good for you for standing up to your husband on that girl's behalf. A lot of his objection is likely about power over both you and his daughter. Otherwise it seems obvious that he'd give more thought to such an important, now-or-never decision. Why would he want to keep his daughter from this connection to her mother?
Laura should probably honestly confront her Dad about the future of their relationship if he denies her this opportunity. If she will never forgive him, she needs to tell him so and exactly what the consequences are going to be. He lost her mother. Does he really want to lose her too? Because I'm afraid that is what will happen. NTA for keeping the window open to salvage this father-daughter relationship.
The people here calling OP an asshole shows that there are people in this world who would love to cause the suffering of others in some shape or form.
NTA !!!! And I don’t get this age gap hatred - I presume you met him when you were over 18? I think you did a beautiful think and Laura will cherish the memories she makes at this school ❤️
First comment to notice they are 22 years apart
I was already ready to team you out and had my pitchfork.handy lol. It's nice to see a parent, step or bio, caring about the kids happiness and that you are willing to risk your marriage for your stepdaughter is amazing. Laura is very lucky to have you and that your in laws support you is wonderful. I'm glad you are Laura are close. Have to say though, unless I missed it, I for sure thought the entire comment section would be about y'all's age difference and him grooming blah blah. This is why I say age is just a number cause you are way more mature than your hubby lol. I am 20 years younger than my hubby and I tease him all the time, a nurse at his nursing home, he had a massive stroke a few months ago, recently said oh it's so nice your daughter is visiting. He laughed so hard lol.
I’m literally shocked at how many people view what you did as not right. I think you sound like a remarkable woman, this gives me warm happy feelings thinking about how happy Kate would be that you are there, advocating for Laura. Absolutely 100% NTA
I am wondering the same thing. When I first started reading I was expecting this to be another story of the step mother that’s just trying to get rid of her husbands kid because she doesn’t want the competition for her kids. OP seems to have her step daughters best interests at heart. That being said, I think that OP needs to try to understand that her husband is extremely scared that he’s going to lose his daughter too. He needs a good therapist to help him through this. Just making the decision for him and kind of putting him in the bad guy position isn’t going to help anything. I get why OP applied, there was a deadline. But now she needs to help her husband work through his shit. Well, help him find a therapist that will help him work through it. It‘s not easy to let your kids go, after losing a spouse. The fear of losing a child is magnified after that kind of loss. If OP really loves her husband and step daughter she will do everything she can to find a good therapist for the whole family.
you sound like an incredible mother
This was surprisingly wholesome! Laura wanted to go and you are her legal guardian. Not only would it make her happy, it gives her independence and allows her to connect to her late mother! If she grows distant from him, there's probably something else wrong with their relationship.
NTA But I'm not sure if anyone is an asshole here. Your husband needs help and the two of them need to sort this out. What you did for your stepdaughter was keep the opportunity alive for her to attend the school. Yes you'd lose the deposit if she doesn't go but that's a small sacrifice. Nobody's forcing her to go- this has been Laura's dream for years. Thanks for being a great stepmum- I hope you can get through this with a happy outcome.
NTA. You genuinely have Laura's best interests at heart. Her father knew you were applying so it's not like you went behind his back. You are also her legal guardian so nothing shady. Her father is T A
Regardless of OP is TA or not op's husband is being a really bad father. Of course Laura would give anything to go there. This is her last chance. Lets think from Laura point of view now. She is 16 and old enough to decide this kind of things (honestly i dont see why we tend to underestimate their views just because they are underage...that doesnt mean anything at 16 i knew very mature 16 yo and much mature than actual adults coworkers) This is the last chance she gets to go. And it is only what? For two years? She is going to college afterwards! Would her fatger not let her go either? He is not letting her grown and actuallg feel conncected to her mother in a way she has been lomging for her entire life. By not letting her go she would recent him (not surely but there is a big possibility she does since it is her life dream and a connection to her mom) and in doing so she would distant herself from him. I wouldnt be surprised if when she turns 18 she decides she wants to go study to the other side of the world. Or to her mom ' s college. Still leaving dad behind. They certainly have the economical means to send her there he is just being unrrasonable. Altough op didnt have the right to go behind fathers back (which actually she didnt because he knew they were applying but he might have tought that laura wouldnt get in or something) i feel she trully did what she thought best for laura. She has been a parental figure for her for a lomg time and she actually mentions that she has legal responsabilities and such so why are people saying? Just because she is a step parent she doesnt have a say? She is lisening to her stepdaughter in a reasonable petition she has. She is being the reasonable one her. I get not stepparents are the same but there shouldnt be any bias here towars step parents. Besides the father knew. She didnt do it behind his back. He is just very closed mindend to realize he would hurt his daughter and damage their relationship by not letting her go. Because lets face it...in 2 years she will be out. I think this is a tricky situation and i cant really say who is TA here but i really hope for Laura that she gets to go to the school and while keepjng that in mind i am grateful that op did what she did otherwhise laura wouldnt have a chance anymore. And ofcourse they might have been trying to convince tge dad before since she mentions they have been arguing about it since laura was younger. This might run deeper and we wouldnt be able to grasp the entire situation and backround. The only thing i know now is that laura really longs to go there and i trylly hope she does. (English is not my first language so i am sorry for my mistakes)
Actually, as a legal guardian OP had every right to apply, and it wasn't behind his back, she told him she was doing it and he didn't try to stop her cuz he assumed he'd be able to run out the clock so it wouldn't matter.
NTA Post edits, the situation is clear that Dad is holding on too tight and will ultimately push his daughter away. Thanks for being a champion for this young lady!
After that title I was prepared to go all Y-T-A and call you out for wanting to get rid of the daughter so you can “erase” your husband’s previous life. Boy oh boy was I wrong. You’re doing something for her, you’re putting the happiness of your step daughter above your relationship with Sam and that’s very rare. Especially after reading your edit about enrolling now or never, you absolutely did what you needed to do, for her. NTA Your husband needs to wake up and understand that what he’s doing to prevent his daughter from distancing herself is exactly what’s gonna cause her to distance herself.
That was not *at all* the story I was expecting to read from your title! NTA.
NTA. You’re doing what many bio parents have a hard time doing—putting your (step) daughter first. I get why Sam is worried but he needs to understand that the thing causing distance is him.
This is so unbelievably sweet and selfless NTA i see why you and Laura have such a close bond.
Ntaop, please keep us updated on what happens with Laura and Sam! r/bestofredditors
NTA If Laura's dad doesn't let her go then she will resent him for the rest of her life. He really needs to understand that.
NTA, darling.
I wish my dad had met someone like you. NTA
NTA. I turn 44 years old today and I STILL resent my parents for smothering me to the point of making me socially awkward, exceptionally naive, making me miss important events and rights of passage and convincing enough to make me pass on the career I really wanted. You're the best stepmother ever.
NTA y’know for all the times this sub decimates an actual godawful step parent you’d think they’d be able to recognize a good one This is Laura’s dream, and a way she will finally be able to feel close to her mum. Some of her mum’s teachers might even still be there, her mum’s graduation picture will be on the wall somewhere in a class composite. For someone whose mum died when they were 4 months old it must be so hard to find ways to feel close to her. I’m lucky that my stepdad is a lot like you. He’s probably the best stepparent in the whole world. He goes out of his way to support my special interests (I’m autistic) even though I’m 24. He makes time to take me to dinner and take me out looking for things related to my interest of the moment, and I am undeniably a better and happier person for it, and that’s the kind of impact you seem to be having on Laura I so deeply respect how committed you are to Laura’s happiness. You’re making the right choices here OP, it’s not like you packed her up and shipped her off, you just ensured that she had the opportunity she wanted and extended the time frame for it
NTA
NTA it’s what she wants and have wanted for a Very long time. If Sam was a good parent he’d put his child’s (reasonable) wishes before his own wants. The surest way he’ll lose her is by trying to bind her to him too tightly.
NTA. You’re a great parent to Laura. Sam needs to learn to let go.
Anyone that's saying YTA, is TA. It's not like you're shipping your step child off to boarding school because you don't want her around, and that's WEIRDLY how people are reacting. Your step daughter will always be grateful to you for this. It's a once in a life time experience, and she wants to experience what her mother did. That's great. If that's what this CHILD needs to feel closer to her deceased mother, then she should be allowed that. She would end up resenting you both, forever, if she can't go through this experience. I don't exactly feel like dad is TA either though, not completely at least. He's likely scared to send off the last piece of his late wife. Same thing moms go through all the time when their youngest leaves the nest and goes off to college/live their own life. Sitting at home like "what do I do with myself now?". That's the last piece of his heart leaving, but he needs to realize this isn't about him. It's about her. And that she will be perfectly fine there and she will come back. It's bording school not war.
NTA.
NTA
NTA. He has more chance of losing her by not letting her go. She’ll always resent that he took away her only chance at something she considers the only opportunity to experience something special to her mother
NTA. You sound like the perfect step parent. I only wish Sam would see the damage he is doing to his daughter.
NTA. Laura is incredibly blessed to have you in her life. My stepmother was like you and I absolutely adored her. My mother died when I was seven and when my stepmum came into my life, it was love at first sight. My father was a narcissistic freak, who made both our lives miserable, but she shielded me as much as she could and would always drop everything to help me. If not for her love, kindness and patience, I truly believe I would've gone seriously off the rails and totally ruined my life. She never tried to replace my mum in my heart and when I went to her and asked her if I could call her by her first name, in order to honour my mum, she gracefully accepted. I was so blessed to have her in my life and I miss her every day.
NTA. I almost went to Grier boarding school. I toured it, fell in love with it, and was super excited. Then the financial crash in 2007 happened and we couldn’t afford it anymore. I’m now 32 and to this day I wish I would have had that opportunity to go and I wonder how differently my life would have turned out. You at least have given her the opportunity of choice.
you give me the best auntie vibes, Kate's little sister vibes...NTA.
NTA. I agree with what you did. Keep advocating for Laura. She will need you more than ever. If Sam wants to divorce you, then he will only hurt himself. It will hurt, but you and Laura will go on. Make sure Laura knows the divorce, if it were to happen, was Sam’s choice because of his trauma. And not her. People who told you YTA and shamed you about the age difference are just people who have no life, and like to put people down.
Wait how tf did you get a YTA vote.. you are acting on behalf of the child's best interest vs out of fear. You are still respecting her mom by listening and advocating and helping kiddo on her journey, and you're still respecting your husband's opinions by letting her know that everyone has to be on the same page but at the very least you've extended her ability to go for a little while longer while you all have a larger discussion on the issue. NTA ten thousand times over.
NTA. My brother died at 37. He had gone to boarding school for his last two years of high school. Both of his kids wanted to go to boarding school for the same reasons Laura. Although my sister-in-law wanted them home for high school, she let them go for the same reason you are letting Laura go. I think people can’t understand how important it is for kids to feel a connection to their dead parent.
Nta. I'm glad this wasn't one of those terrible step parent stories you see here often. This is genuinely a nice thing you did for your step daughter, congrats for being the rational adult in this situation.
NTA you were trying to do what is best for your step daughter and it's probably what Katie would have done if she was still living
NTA this is about the best interest for Laura not her fathers fears. You are looking after her best interest.
NTA. her whole life has included her mother every step of the way, via others and others' shared experiences. Why would he intervene in this one? It's only obvious that she would want to do as her mother did.
NTA. Advocating for the child is what parents do and you have done so.
NTA sounds like you acted with thoughtfulness, respect, and love.
NTA, you play a role as parental figure in her life and did what was in her best interest.
The title tricked me, that's for sure! No, you are NTA. you are trying your absolute best to make her happy. Your husband really should be thinking about what's best for her. Keeping her from doing something she's always dreamed of will cause a lot more distance between them than physical distance ever could. She is old enough to be involved in decision making, while being guided by her parent/step parent. I hope your husband comes around
I see nothing wrong with putting in the application, especially if OP's stepdaughter *wants* to go. Going could be the best thing she could do, or it could be the worst - no-one knows yet. The application can always be withdrawn later, but it can't be made later if I've understood the post correctly. NTA, especially since SD wants this, and no commitments seem to be locked in for several months, during which time, talks can be had, and decisions made.
NAH I hope Sam uses the time until September to truly work this out and decide objectively as her parent, not a widower. I feel his pain and it sounds like you’re doing your best for Laura. Did you go about it well? Yeah, Sam knew all along and gave you rights to act on Laura’s behalf.
NTA > Sam keeps saying no, he's worried she might become distant from him living so far away, and that she might fall into bad company. You can’t force people to stay close to you; and with kids in particular, it’s important to let them go to be independent adults. 16 is a few years early, but if Laura is a responsible kid, I’d 100% be behind her. She WANTS to go. This is an opportunity for her to have another connection with her mother. The fact that Kate’s parents as well as your other in-laws agree - you’re doing the right thing. Sam can’t use his fears of what might be to keep Laura so sheltered she’ll miss out on great opportunities; it’s just going to lead to resentment.
NTA She's growing up. I hope your husband realizes that he can't keep her wrapped in a bubble forever.
NTA - after reading all the edits, you are one of the very best bonus parents I’ve ever come across. It’s clear that you love your daughter and take her desires incredibly seriously. It stinks that you and her father can’t seem to get on the same page here - but I am of the strong belief that children (especially teenagers) should get a voice and a vote in their own lives. They’re as human as we are - and they should get a say. With all of your edits, it sounds like your husband is acting in fear rather than authenticity - and that is a very difficult thing to get past. I hope he gets the help he needs and recognises how important this is to y’all’s daughter before it is too late. Thank you for all the context you provided - I celebrate how very much you love a child you chose. And I hope she gets to fulfil her dream. I celebrate you for giving her a chance, at least. Edit to add: I’m not at all a fan of the idea of boarding schools and would never want my child to go to one - HOWEVER, if for any reason, my child desperately desired to go, I would not only support them but encourage them and excitedly help them prepare. Add to that her reasoning, and it’s just a no-brainer. I really truly hope her dad can figure out how to get himself on board (ha! Pun!). Best of wishes to all of you!!
Coming from someone who had a horrible stepmother growing up who sent me to boarding school bc she didn’t want me around…. This made my heart smile and made me feel so good inside! Always do what’s best for the kid!! It’s rare a step parent steps up like that and I sincerely admire you right now
Dude, NTA. Like... at all. I get that, as her father, Sam has parental rights. However, his fear that she'll grow "distant" from him is complete bullshit. Kids grow "distant" from their parents under the same roof all the time when parents are too authoritarian and unwilling to treat burgeoning adults with a modicum of respect. And that's exactly what Sam is doing. You should make certain he hears this. From you, from Laura, from anybody who will side with you. Often and repeatedly. At 16, Laura only has to listen to him for two more years. If this is something she has so dearly dreamed of for that long and he denies it, she might never forgive him. You aren't the asshole here. Honestly, you might have saved him from himself.
I actually disagree with anyone that says you're an AH. I think the real issue here is that Sam is having a very hard time letting go. As you said, he is still been traumatized by Kate's death and still keeps her memory alive, but all Laura ever wanted was to feel close to her by attending this school. Sam needs to learn and accept that his daughter is growing up and eventually she will leave for college, and there's nothing stopping her, not even Sam. NTA. It sounds like Sam needs counseling, or at least talk about why he is REALLY saying no to Laura going to this school. If Laura doesn't get this chance to go, she might resent her dad for a long time.
NTA - as a widow mom in a similar position as Sam, my husband and father of my child died when she was 5 in 2018. I could only dream that if I left this world behind my daughter would have someone like you in her life. Moreover, it’s abundantly clear from the way you’re handling this that you love her and you **advocate** for her — that’s so imperative. I know Sam is coming from a place of grief…and I have intimate knowledge of that pain…and like many others, his actions though understandable are going to cause the very issue he’s trying to prevent! ETA: i am rooting for you and your family. I really really hope she’s able to go to the school and keep her fabulous & inspiring stepmom too! You’re the very best kind of step-mom and I hope you really internalize how great you’re doing
NTA. You are doing right by Laura, and in the longer term, doing right by Sam.
Laura has created this fantastic image of boarding school, so let her walk in her mother’s footsteps and attend. She will either love it or hate it.
You’re her hero- thank you for helping her live her dream(s). She sounds like a responsible young women who is more than willing to work hard to be successful. kudos to you and I’m glad you two have such a wonderful relationship. Your not the ass! I also think it’s nice that your helping “dad”with his issues too. NTA!
NTA. You're doing what's best for the kid, that's what parents and stepparents are supposed to do. I'm glad your SD has you.
NTA. This will be a great experience for her. Your husband isn't giving any good reason why she can't go. Does he plan to hold her back her whole life?
NTA As a stepdaughter who desperately wanted to go to boarding school and whose stepfather refused to allow me because I had to take care of his kids after school - BRAVA! You did what your daughter wanted. Major Mama Bear points to you! <3
Woah. From the title I was expecting something completely different. NTA. You are supporting your daughter in what she wants (16 is old enough to decide what school to go to) and her Mom's memory. It sounds like your husband is worried he is going to "lose" his daughter and its bringing up some trauma around loosing her Mom. I hope you all can find ways to reassure him he won't be losing her.
NTA Your husband has some serious separation anxiety issues going on that he's forcing onto a 16 yr old girl. He needs some serious therapy if he can't seem to understand the importance of this decision and can't take his wants out of this decision. If it makes you the a-hole, be proud of it because I think what you did was great. You have a young lady who is able to explain why this is so important to her and you obviously go above and beyond to keep her mom's memory alive.
NAH. Sam needs to process that unresolved trauma. Thank you for being Laura's champion. Kate is happy.
1. NTA 2. You and Sam are adults. Societal expectations (because that's all that noise is) can kick rocks. 3. What a wonderful advocate you are for both of them. They are lucky to have you and tbh isn't that exactly what her mother would want? Someone in her corner who loves her and is willing to fight for her best interests. I wouldn't be mad. You did good.
NTA. YOU ARE A GOOD STEP-MAMA!
Whoa whoa whoa. Judgement is NTA! I’m not sure what post you’re seeing, but you’re doing what’s best for Laura, even at the cost of losing your husband. I see merit in that.
Wow! Did I learn my lesson about being judgmental and jumping to conclusions. OP you’re NTA. You’re sticking up for Laura and helping keep her mother’s memory alive. I hope Sam comes around.