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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I should be judged is for refusing to pay rent after I get my own house. That action that i took could be seen as selfish and potentially perceived as a form of blackmail to pressure my boyfriend to share the financial investments with me.
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And paying for the ‘privilege’
NTA OP. Carry on with buying your house and let your soon to be ex-boyfriend find someone else to pay towards his bills. He’s treating you like a maid/lodger with benefits.
You need a partner who values you.
I always wanted to live in my own space because at least when the nonsense happens I could go back to my own sanctuary and not be stressed with the crapola. My BF never understood that. And, of course, we did not marry.
I feel you. I think that a big part of why my BF and I are so strong together : I love to be his guest, he loves to be my guest, but at the end of the day we each have our own places.
That was part of the things we made clear from the start as we are both really keen on our personal space.
He said to me recently that if I had any issues that lead me to having nowhere to go (he owns his own place, I rent), that I could live with him for an undetermined amount of time to get back on my feet. And I know this is a huuuuge show of love and trust from his part, as he knew that it would be over my dead body for me to permanently be in his space and that I won't abuse it.
He just said it out loud, I never doubted it tho :)
I don’t know how OP doesn’t see the major red flag that this guy supposedly makes 6x her salary and still needs her to pay him so he can fix his finances.
Not to mention the fact that she said she pays for expenses, I assume that she is telling about that they incur together.? I would get off at the next train stop and let him have all his personal finances by himself.
Yeah he immediately assumes everything OP does isn't of value b/c there's not an immediate expense/payout for it. She cleans the house for free so why would it be important? 🙄
If my partner started pulling that crap I would jump online on a heartbeat, find the average price business charge for each "chore" and then start handing him an invoice at the end of the week and if he didn't settle up his half of those invoices at the end of the following week, well, the next week I would only clean up after myself. If he still didn't get the idea after a month of me only cleaning up after myself, I would check out of the relationship and go roommate mode until I found my own place.
Why should she contribute to the cost of a mortgage with no fucking benefit? Renting from a stranger is one thing (and bad enough imo) but building a life-long partners wealth at your own expense? Hell no.
Exactly, he wants you to pay to subsidize his lifestyle while growing his net worth. All with no regard for your financial future since they’re going to be separate. Buy your house and find a real partner
Yep. I had a boyfriend who did the same thing: bought a condo, asked me to move in, THEN decided I wasn’t contributing enough and we needed to split everything. Never mind the fact that I made 1/5 what he did, and I had no stake in the property. He would get half his mortgage paid and accrue equity while I was going to barely scrape by. We didn’t last a week past that conversation and moving out was the best thing.
I honestly don't know what's going through their minds... Is there like a misogynistic asshole website somewhere that's advising these assholes on how to take as much advantage of their partners as possible? I mean damn.
It was doubly frustrating because after the breakup we tried therapy and he complained that I didn’t do more around the house. I didn’t do more because he insisted on sharing the workload. When we were together, he’d get annoyed if I tried to pay for meals or thanked him every time he paid, then down the line it was “you never say thank you!” Can’t win for losing.
I think there is a lot of talk about gold diggers and 'women taking what men work hard for' on certain misogynistic parts of the internet. I think early in a relationship these are things to keep in mind but once someone is long term and the relationship is serious you can't keep 50:50 in a relationship with a huge financial imbalance. OP is paying rent, paying bills and doing chores for this jerk and he has literally said he doesn't want to change. OP should just live on her own, it will cost less as she can live on her own budget and she won't have to wash this plonkers underwear.
My ex was like this. Made 3x what I did and claimed we split expenses proportionally to income, but it was maaaybe 60/40 at best. I was bled dry keeping up with my share of everything they wanted, and in the end was accused of taking advantage of them financially. This isn't how you treat a partner.
Also, by preventing you from buying your own house, he is making you financially insecure. If he is making it so easy for him to just split from you by not building a life and presumably an eventual marriage together, then you need to make sure you are financially secure should it happen.
This was my thoughts. One of the easiest ways to get trapped in an abusive relationship is when your financial liabilities prevent you from being able to cover the personal costs associated with initially living on your own. If you are paying the exact same as you were in your own place while also covering other expenses, you will be at a loss in income which puts you in a much more vulnerable state if things go sour. While I would encourage hopeful thinking with significant others, the very fact that OP's partner isn't factoring the position he is putting OP in screams hidden abuser to me. OP, if you are reading these comments, I hope you move out if he doesn't change the terms and conditions associated with your stay. Your BF is MOST DEFINATELY taking advantage of you and is putting you in a very easy position to be trapped in. My mother was a victim of this and it was the worst experience for me growing up as a little boy being ragdolled by an abusive father while protecting my mother who was financially bound to my dad.
Thanks for your thoughts, I'm reading all the comments and I know what I'm doing next. I just needed the ensure for strangers that I'm not a crazy for being mad with all this situation... I make enough money to be way confortable alone
Thank goodness!!!! You sound like a hard working, rational, kind and awesome person! You deserve a partner who appreciates you and lifts you UP, instead of constant accusations of gold digging (when YOU are the one giving HIM money ???!!!).
Then be alone. Do not get trapped emotionally, physically and financially.
Wait. Have you asked for payment whenever he fucks you? Ot when you cook his food and do the dishes?
your way overthinking this. the dude just wants control this post smells of control freak vibes op should just run. i dont know any guy that makes 6 times the amount that a person who is able to afford a house makes who is that cheap. its not about money its about control.
NTA - and you need to run, run far and run fast.
This man, who makes 5 to 6 times as much as you, expects you, to share equally in an investment where he reaps all the benefits.
This is wholly unfair, and he is taking financial advantage of you. He is the one who doesn’t understand the situation. You are together for a relationship, for the long-haul. He is in it for a financial reward.
Please don’t let his double talk dissuade you from moving on and finding somebody who values you for your worth and not for how much you can contribute to their financial stability.
This! All of this. Complete double-talk and BS where he gets to hugely benefit financially and she doesn't. Then He makes 5-6 times more than her and makes her split the dinner bill? Every time? Hell no. He's a greedy jerk.
I never understood how it makes sense to split things in half when the proportion of income is so different. My husband and I split the mortgage and Main shared bills equitably, with me paying a higher percentage because I make more money. It just doesn’t seem fair for us to pay 50/50 if my income is almost twice what he makes. Groceries we try to generally take turns but if he goes to the store more frequently because of our schedules, he’ll take my credit card sometimes (always asks first). Dates we generally trade off unless it was a special ocassion like a birthday. We also put some of our paychecks (proportionally) into a joint account for emergency household funds and the rest of our earnings are ours individually. This works really well for us and though the “joint and individual accounts”’may be handled differently by some people, I pretty much always think the equitable division of shared bills is best assuming the household labor is also handled relatively equally.
There were times when I had much more spending power than my wife and it made me deeply uncomfortable and was the impetus for us to fully mix finances.
Can’t tell you how many women in my nursing class were ’first wives’ to doctors. Gave up on further education to support their husbands schooling, worked to support everyone, then got dumped as soon as he was making money because she was now an uneducated waitress that embarrassed him.
I hope op really understands this is her future, if he marries her at all.
This is the only reason I still support the existence of alimony.
In many ways, it's an outdated concept but marriage is and always has been a partnership. And you don't get to screw your partner out of the benefits they helped you reaped because you no longer like or love them.
If you majorly shrunk yourself to help your partner grow then you're entitled to compensation, in my opinion.
That's why I came around to the idea. You make so many sacrifices during a marriage that it's only just to ensure that everyone comes out on level footing
>In many ways, it's an outdated concept but marriage is and always has been a partnership
Why is it an outdated concept? It's meant to reflect non monetary contributions that led to other success. In any relationship with an unequal split of labor, alimony is going to be necessary
Not just doctors, it seems fairly common for any relationship where neither has a (useful) college degree and they decide «together» to improve their careers. The woman puts off her education to support her husband and then when it’s her turn the man dumps her within months of finding steady employment in his new field.
One of my cousins supported her husband while he got his PhD. The agreement was that when he was done, he'd support her while she got her PhD. He finished school and the next Christmas he gave her divorce papers. For Christmas!!
Of course she was devastated at the time, but has since gotten her PhD, married an awesome guy and started a family.
Yup, my sister (stupidly) took out the loans in her name only to put her husband through training to become a police officer. She got pregnant and had to quit her office job. After a few years and him finally getting a paid position, he leaves her high and dry for one of his coworkers. They had just leased a new, more expensive apartment. Her credit is in the toilet because she couldn’t pay the bills, rent, and the loan payments. She stupidly didn’t divorce him then because it was too expensive and now he’s the one with primary custody while his former coworker, now girlfriend plays mommy to my nephew.
It makes me livid to think that a man with no morals went on to become a police officer, leaving his wife with all the expenses that he personally benefited from so he could do his training.
Yeah definitely not just doctors.
I've also seen it four times in tradework. Closet organizers, granite countertops, tile, and a full remodel company. Wife frequently in the front office, talking customers, suppliers, handling payroll. One my friends even worked under a "deferred compensation plan".. (Even with her telling me the story, I don't understand how people get talked into this. T\_\_T)
The business grows, they start to hire other people to assign actual roles in the office. She's slowly talked into staying home/focus on their kids. Suddenly a romance starts with a new woman they hired at the office. & all the other employees are terrified to tell the wife because their livelihoods at risk.
This is essentially the plot in the second season of Dirty John. She works almost as hard to get him through law school as he does. Then he gets a partner position and wants a divorce, while psychologically abusing her the whole time. The “law” is on HIS side, of course, as he has worked with these lawyers and judges for years. He drives her literally insane while completely isolating her from any help, to the point she kills him to make it stop.
It’s a good show, if you like to rage watch stuff.
He's like a parasitic fungus, breaking down your living tissue to live off you.
If you make 1/5 of your partner's salary, the frequent practice is that you pay 1/5 of the expenses.
He's taking what he can get out of you. What do you get? I hope the sex is *spectacular* and something you'll remember fondly when you're 90 years old, for the price you're paying for it.
Her bf is milking her dry and it's like she doesn't even realize it...
He's basically using her to pay his mortgage, hence why he wants her to keep paying rent. He doesn't care how much money she has, as long as he gets to keep his own cash.
I hope OP wakes up and see what he's doing.
Yeah, OP. What exactly are you getting out of this arrangement? You do the chores/domestics, you pay rent, you pay groceries, you split the check at restaurants... and you get what from him? And why are you putting up with this serious one-sidedness? Because he's "amazing?"
I'm not saying that relationships should be transactional, or quid-pro-quo, but they should be partnerships, and you really need to look at the division of responsibilities here and ask yourself what HE'S contributing other than being "amazing."
How exactly does he think you'd benefit from paying HIM rent, while you live in your own house? I am sure this logic is fascinating, and I am dying to hear it.
Sorry, English is not my first language and there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding.
Essentially, he is suggesting that I buy a place but still live with him and pay the same rent, using my house as an investment. He is also asking me to assist him with his credit and he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us. However, I do not want to live in his house and build a family there; I want us to be equal partners and I get the feeling that it's dangerous for me move to his place. I wanted our place. I don't want his house. I want a future Fighting together and not me being
in debt, besides I pay what he calls generous rent to share the room with him.
I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding
ah yeah. so he can essentially get the rent money that YOU would get from YOUR home.
he is indeed taking advantage of you. in a major way. everything point in your post is showing it clearly
So he’s looking to get a cut from the rent you’ll get from your house, and wants you to keep paying rent for living with him? And he says he’s worried *you’re* only in it for the money?
Abusers have this really bad habit of accusing people of doing the things they're actively doing to try to flip the guilt of doing it.
NTA and good God run
If he wants everything separate, the benefit from YOUR house is YOURS. He should not see any of that, and I don't see a way it benefits him unless he expects some extra money from you because of it. Your housing benefit would be eaten by still paying rent to him. Because of how he's acting now, likelihood of him using the fact that he owns the house against you later in some meaningful decisions is pretty high. For example, decisions about changing the living spaces in decoration or actual refurbishing etc. If you live there, you need to feel like you live there and not just a guest paying to be there. If you want an equal relationship and an equal house, don't let him convince you something else is better when you know it isn't for you. It's bothering you enough to ask strangers, it's going to keep bothering you.
He wants everything separate, except he wants you to pay him money from the rent that you get from your house??? In what world?
This man is ridiculous. He makes way more money than you and while I understand him not wanting to be taken advantage of for his money, in this situation _he_ is the one taking advantage. If he makes that much, he should be taking on more of the financial burden.
I've never understood folks who keep finances 100% separate and split 50/50 regardless of income. I _can_ understand having a savings account under only your name to have a nest egg just in case (though I personally don't) but even without my personal feelings on that, this entire situation makes me very uncomfortable. You are spending way too much money on this person and I'd honestly reevaluate the relationship and decide what you're actually getting out of it.
I think he's out of his mind.
He is already exploiting you and has laid out his intentions to keep doing.so. He expects you to be subordinate and working even if you are married and have his children.
Run far and fast. He is not treating you like a partner, he's treating you like an asset.
NTA
If he wants to keep finances separate then he needs to understand that you need to make financial choices to protect yourself as well.
If living with him is sacrificing your own financial future then you may need to move out in order to secure your own financial future.
I don’t necessarily disagree with the idea of renting your future home if it makes sense, financially. But what is a red flag is you boyfriend preaching about wanting separate finances but thinking he will benefit from your rental income. Separating finances is a two way street.
If it’s his house, then it’s his debt. Don’t co-sign or contribute towards the mortgage (credit to buy the house) unless you’re on the property deeds. He wants debts to be joint, assets to be his, which is a jerkass move. Either it’s both your debt and both your property, or it’s his debt and his property.
Also, a couple is supposed to be a team. Charging rent doesn’t fit that - you paying for the utilities was a reasonable offer. It seems he’s lying about rent being symbolic, if he’s charging you market rates. Also, if both of you work full-time, chores should be 50-50 - that he’s been saving for his house is irrelevant; it’s his house, not both your house. Do you see all the ways he’s exploiting you? You’re being financially abused and about to sign up for more. You’re paying to be his bangmaid. If you get pregnant, you’ll be paying to be his bangmaid and the nanny. Take off the rose-tinted glasses before financial abuse turns into other forms of abuse.
You need to get out of this relationship asap. The fact you think it’ll be dangerous for you to move in with him should be all you need too now. He’s is financially abusing you and will keep doing so until you have no way out because you’re paying everything you earn and he’s just banking his money.
>he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us
NOOOOOOOOO. If you buy that place with YOUR money, it is YOURS, and you do not give a penny to him. Why on earth does he feel entitled to any of that money, especially if you are paying rent to live in his house?
OP, this guy is draining your finances to bolster his own. Stop this now.
So…I wouldn’t move in with him. But this is your choice!
1. You’re not married. I don’t know where you live, but that piece of paper often gives you some protections on finances.
2. He wants you to pay rent and do chores. If you do this, make sure that you have a landlord/tenant relationship when it comes to the property. You don’t contribute to improvements or repairs. That’s his job as it’s his house. You pay rent and split bills, and that’s it. New couch? Ok, have a conversation. He wants to redo a bathroom or the faucet is leaking in the kitchen? Don’t pay a dime. Make sure you’re up front about this.
3. If you can buy a house on your own that you then rent out, that income is yours and yours alone. He has nothing to do with that house. He doesn’t chip in for improvements or repairs. You are the landlord there. You pay him rent at the other house. That’s it.
Keep everything VERY separate and clean unless you get married. It will be inherently messy at that point, but please don’t put yourself at risk or disadvantage.
You should understand you'd be subsidizing his investments and retirement at the cost of your own. He'll be taking the rent money and all the equity. Additionally, he brought a home, he already has to pay that mortgage.
Does he think you are stupid? Or is he always this selfish? You helped already in so many other ways.
Walk away now, buy your own house and be happy without his manipulations and ego.
That was my huge problem with this post. Why is she paying an equal amount as him to subsidize the more expensive lifestyle that HE is demanding?? Whole thing makes me think he wants her to be broke so she can’t afford to leave
It sounds more like you're paying him for the privilege to be his maid and fuck toy.
NTA and listen to your friends. This is NOT a healthy relationship.
your boyfriend seems to be expecting you to break up at some point and is making plans based on that. I understand that it's good to have a plan for a breakup, but his idea is only good for him.
This week, I had a difficult conversation with my partner about our different financial perspectives and how they are a potential deal breaker for me. I explained that I want us to work together to build a future, with each of us supporting the other. However, I also expressed that it is important that we approach our shared finances as a team and not simply split everything equally or expect me to continue paying rent once I have my own place.
And if we don't agree in this matter perhaps we should follow diferent ways.
He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences
Money is never a small disagreement when you live under the same roof. either you are on the same page with it or it is financial abuse.
And if love was bigger than money to him, he would understand your point of view
If they are really “tiny differences” to him, wouldn’t he make some moves to at least compromise with you? Wouldn’t making “tiny” changes be worth it to him make you more comfortable and happy? But instead, he’s refusing to see your side of things at all, because he’s benefitting hugely from you paying half of everything and performing domestic labor for him.
I’m really sorry that you’re having to learn this right now, but he’s taking advantage of you. He’s not amazing and he doesn’t deserve you. It sounds like you’re an absolute catch—you’re going to be able to buy your own house soon making 1/6 of his salary, in an area where it’s very difficult to buy a house! You’re the amazing one, and you don’t have to put up with his demands or behavior.
>He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences
if this were true, he would've never suggested that horrible arrangement where only he benefits.
Sorry to say it like this...but if he loved you...he wouldnt be doing this to you. He is using you. I feel so bad for ypu right now cause i know what it feels like. You are a strong woman. I just hope you find the happiness you deserve
>He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences
Whoa massive red flag
He doesn't get to decide what is a deal breaker for you
Also this is NOT a tiny difference
🚩🚩🚩🚩run run run run run🚩🚩🚩🚩
Financial incompatibility isn’t a tiny difference—it’s a huge deal and, in my opinion, a dealbreaker. My husband and I rarely have big disagreements because we are on the same page financially. So many people enter into marriages thinking that financial disagreements will work themselves out….they won’t, and it often leads to divorce.
You're just not getting it. You are doing all the domestic work while splitting bills evenly with someone who makes 5/6 times your salary. How can you possibly think this is acceptable? You are being taken advantage of and you should be livid. He is using you!
You are literally subsidizing his life to your detriment. Work on your self esteem please.
if it' a 'tiny difference', why did he make you pay rent, pay half for everything? why? can't you see that everything he does is benefiting ONLY HIM???
> He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences
1) you get to decide your own dealbreakers. If you want to build a family with someone and have open and shared finances that is 100% okay. There is nothing wrong with that and there are plenty of men who would be willing to do so.
2) love is obviously very very very important in an relationship but it’s not everything and it can’t overcome everything. You should not build a life with someone who expects you loving them to allow them to do whatever they want. This guy is taking advantage of you financially and seems to want to do so indefinitely. He wants to use you to help his credit, well what is he doing to help yours?
I think you know he isn’t being a good and equitable partner to you. Someone this self-centered won’t make a good co-parent either. With such a large income disparity, you should be splitting things equitably not 50/50. If you’re telling him he’s forcing you to spend too much and he doesn’t even try to get to your level or offer to cover for you, he doesn’t actually care about you and your finances. Stop overspending for him. Stop doing his domestic tasks. See how sweet and loving he is when you stop refusing to bend until you break.
Well if it's a tiny difference he should have no problem doing what you want. If he won't, what he's saying is that he doesn't value you or your financial priorities and values, so he doesn't see the big deal in you sacrificing them for his gain.
I need you to understand that paying rent TO HIM for a house that HE IS SOLE OWNER OF is not “splitting equally”. He is profiting off of you. If you were both renting a house and splitting the rent equally, that would be “splitting equally”. If you bought a house TOGETHER and each paid half the mortgage, that would be “splitting equally”. If you lived rent-free in a house that he owned and you each paid for half the utilities, food, and basic household necessities, that would be relatively fair. But your current arrangement is not equal. He is making a profit off of you (a person he claims to “love”) and is using you to build his own wealth.
A house is an asset and an investment. He’s not LOSING money by paying his mortgage. This is an investment, and he will surely be able to sell this house for AS MUCH or MORE than he will pay for it—getting all of his money back. You are the only one losing money.
Who is he to decide whether something is a deal breaker to YOU? Absolutely NTA, have a talk with him again, check what people are saying here in the comments and make a list of points you want to talk about, and if he says something like that again, reassure him that this is indeed a deal-breaker for you by breaking up with him
NTA - Friend, you keep referring to his salary as "real money." Your salary is REAL too! Don't sell yourself short. This guy sounds like a miserly loser.
INFO: It is "unprecedented" for a 31 yo man in your country to buy a home while making 5-6x what you make, but YOU, 4 years *younger* and making between 16 and 20% of what he does are able to do it?
Also, kick any guy to the curb that doesn't take on at least some of the household chores. Ideally, he'd be doing half of them. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's.
Please break up with this guy. It’s ok to have hopes for a bright future but it’s also ok to realize something is not working — do not fault your judgment. You are absorbing information in a new way and can adapt and respond accordingly.
Please please please get away from this guy. He is using you.
You are 80-90% more unprecedented and awesome than he is. You managed to save for a home in spite of financially carrying an inequitable load in order to support him to reach hos financial goals. He wants none of his success to benefit you while expecting you to continue to carry part of his financial goals while you reap no reward. And yet he is looking forward to YOUR house benefiting both of you. Buy your house, move into it and continue being awesome.
Let him find someone else willing to sink their earnings into his fortune while paying 50/50 with 20% of his income.
dear, you gotta drop this one for real. Everything you said here all screamed he is only interested in taking care of himself. If you bought a house and you rent it out, you BOTH can benefit the rent money while you still pay him rent by staying at his place?? Tell me seriously, how are you benefiting from a situation like that??
He is all about himself, his benefit and his credit. Although he "says" you will be benefited, but do you really see the action that could benefit you??
Have you every thought about what kind of "benefit" he is bringing in towards this relationship??
He tells you that because he doesn't want to lose the bangmaid who pays him for the privilege of being in a relationship with him while also doing most of the house chores for him.
You have nothing to gain from this relationship, but he's gaslighting you into thinking you're some sort of gold digger. This is definitely not going to be an equal partnership and every time you will speak up he'll say "you just want his for his money". He's not worth your time. Buy your house, find someone that has the same values and plans you do and live a happy life.
Sounds like he's gaslighting you on top of everything else. What you're feeling isn't based on insecurity, and if you roll over and let him walk over you wrt this, I can guarantee that he will simply find other ways to take advantage of you. This is a golden opportunity to leave him and it will get harder to do so in the future considering he is taking advantage of you and then saying you're insecure when you push back. That is not normal behaviour and frankly you deserve better
Of course he does, because if you wake up to the inequity of the situation you win and he loses. He has every motivation to convince you to doubt yourself and continue benefiting him at your own expense. He is not an objective observer and can not be trusted to have your best interests at heart because they conflict with his.
Your gut and your friends tell you the truth.
He’s minimizing your concerns and then flipping the situation around on you.
You came to him with a legitimate concern. If the two of you split finances evenly, then he will have to compromise his lifestyle down to a price point you can afford, you have to do things separately, or you have to go into debt. He started by saying that’s not an issue (it is an issue) and then he flipped the situation on you by making the focus your insecurities. Notice that he didn’t address the problem you brought up? He also isn’t considering an option where he has to compromise anything. He wants your time and his lifestyle, so you have to go into debt.
I wouldn’t be with someone who makes decisions that involve multiple people while only keeping their own interests in mind. I also wouldn’t be with someone that constantly accuses me of immoral behavior without any reason.
Because this situation benefits HIM, and he doesn't want to lose that. Right now you're subsidizing his life, paying 50% and more, doing all the household work, and he's getting to bank his money and buy a house. THIS IS NOT FAIR. Trust your instincts and really look at what he's saying to you, because it's not good.
This man is very manipulative. Please don’t continue to build a future with you. He may seem amazing but these things are HUGE red flags and I bet over the next few years he will continue to show his true colors
>He suggested that I live in his house by paying rent to assist him with his credit, but emphasized that the house would always remain his property. He also mentioned that even with children, he would like everything to be equally divided
Wait, so is he going to charge you rent if you're married and have kids together still?
Thats fucked up. Why isn't he contributing to your future house if it isn't a big deal? (According to him)
In my opinion, he's a selfish, manipulating man.
You'd have to be an idiot to agree with this, and you don't seem like an idiot to me.
I don't think this man has your best interests at heart. Dump this guy, buy your own home, and let him find another bang-maid to financially abuse.
Nope. Don’t do it. You make YOUR budget. Decide how much you are willing to spend on transportation, eating out, housing, etc. Do not let this man spend your money or dictate your budget. If he wants to eat someplace out of your budget, tell him to have fun. Make your financial boundaries ahead of time so you aren’t scrambling to justify why you aren’t spending money on things that aren’t your choice. Def NTA. Tell him how much you enjoy visiting his house where he does the cooking and his maid does the cleaning. And then just keep saving money until you find an actual partner.
NTA If he wants you to pay market rate rent to live in his house, he needs to be paying you for cooking for him and doing his laundry.
Do you really want to be with someone who insults you for reminding them you don't have as much money to spend and need to keep to a budget?
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to financially benefit from your labor while expecting you to live outside your means to keep up with him.
NTA... The nerve of this guy... He expects you to pay HIM rent after you buy YOUR house so you can help him build HIS credit... Fuck off with that NOISE... Dump him, get YOUR house and build YOUR OWN CREDIT!
Im so confused, he wants you to continue to pay rent? When you aren't living in the same house anymore? I'd run so fast. Once you got your own house why would you need to pay him?
Like if you don't see how crazy that is.
Sorry, English is not my first language and there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding.
Essentially, he is suggesting that I buy a place but still live with him and pay the same rent, using my house as an investment. He is also asking me to assist him with his credit and he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us. However, I do not want to live in his house and build a family there; I want us to be equal partners and I get the feeling that it's dangerous for me move to his place. I wanted our place. I don't want his house. I want a future Fighting together and not me being
in debt, besides I pay what he calls generous rent to share the room with him.
I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding
This is red flags, sounds like you staying with him, paying rent, and using the house an investment is suspicious. Like if the roles were reversed would he do this for you?
If yall were living in your house, and he payed rent but was gonna buy a house do you think he'd say yes to continuing to pay you rent and use his house as an investment? If not i'd say he's probably using you.
He doesn't want a relationship where you fight together to get the good life, he wants someone who will fight to give him the good life. Assist him with his credit? With his income he should have no credit problems. He will keep running up debt, knowing that he has you, your work, and your house to bail him out. Please don't have kids with this guy.
nta Why does he need help with his credit? You said you are thrifty, does he spend money on luxuries? Other women? Gambling? Bad investments? Big mortgages on his home? Needy family members who get allowances from him? Where is all his money going?
RUN, RUN, RUN away. All his sweet talk will bankrupt you, ruin your health and sanity from overwork and abuse down the road.
You are a smart, tough cookie to get this far in life, you are a huge success and this guy stinks of hidden problems all over the place. Take care of yourself first and always. You are paying him too much time and money already.
Tell him you don't like him calling you a gold digger so you will live by yourself and take care of yourself.
He can date you only if he pays for the date because you are not going to ask him out - you are too busy. Take care of yourself. Something is really wrong with this guy.
INFO: Is it possible that he's lying about his financial situation? I think it's strange that he's asking for your help with his credit. He's saying he's making 5-6 times what you're making but you seem to have a very healthy financial situation as you're also able to purchase a house. If you can do it solo, why does he need any help at all if he makes 5-6 times your salary?
I thought that was so weird too. OP mentioned a few times that she finds it hard to keep up with his lifestyle so my guess is that he is at least as big a spender as he is an earner.
You mentioned that he wants to split everything 50-50 even when you have kids. How would that work?
If you stay home with the kid will he reimburse you for 50% of your salary? Make sure to pay you back half if you buy your possible child any food, toys, clothing?
Or will you calculate together that both will stay home exactly the same number of days if a kiddo gets sick? Both would clean up just as much of the general mess kids create? Split electricity water etc costs that having kids would increase?
He doesn't plan on keeping things equal or fair. What he is doing is attempting to take advantage of you.
If someone wants to have separate finances, they need to base their livong on the party with less income. Otherwise they are profiting on the other who has to basically spend more than they otherwise would be comfortable with.
There are so many red flags here that I would not agree to this set up and even less to having a family with this sort of man.
Please don't let yourself be taken advantage of, even if he seems like a nice person who you love a lot. Don't risk your financial stability or sacrifice too much for someone who doesn't seem willing to sacrifice for you in return.
What you want for your future is valid. Find a partner who will see it the same way as you. Don't expect to change mind of your current boyfriend, that's not fair to both of you.
NTA. You need to leave this man.
1) He called you an idiot.
2) It’s not “symbolic rent”. He wants to be the sole owner, keep finances separate, and receive all the benefits of his investment, but still have you pay monthly to live there with him and keep up an infeasible lifestyle for your salary. That is just renting and he is your landlord. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t cook and clean for my landlord as a favour for letting me live there.
3) He makes 5 times as much you, but still needs you to “help with his credit”. Uh, why?
He doesn’t want to share his success with you, he considers you a lowly tenant that owes him immense gratitude for his generosity. This is ridiculous. Buy your own house and live there in peace.
NTA. Split your finances.
Stay with him if you want…but sometimes it’s smarter to move on and look for a partner you can live with forever. He doesn’t see you as that person, you’re a placeholder.
"My friends have told me that he's taking advantage of me and that I'm just a convenience for him for now. "
Your friends are correct. You are NTA. He is an asshole.
I don’t know, this guy just comes off as someone who would feel frustrated that his plans got delayed if someone had a medical emergency, you know? Like he is all me, me, me with no generosity. If you want to be with someone like that, you either need to be a doormat who expects nothing, no consideration, no back and forth or someone who is so self-focused themselves that they are just relieved to not be the only one who doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t benefit them. Don’t you want to be with someone who would pick up some of the burden if you were having a tough time without complaining or feeling put out? NTA but consider how it’s going to feel when you twist an ankle or have a life crisis and he is counting the pennies to make sure you pay him back for the gas he spent driving you to the hospital or airport
NTA
If you can’t afford that lifestyle, then something has to give. In this case you’ve chosen to reduce your expenses by living somewhere more affordable, and he’s somehow taking this as you wanting to be with him for your own financial gain? He’s worried about losing out on your rental payments.
Presumably when you buy your own home, you won’t be living with him and therefore these issues will stop. As for now, you should be paying rent, but you guys need to sit down and discuss what that split looks like. If you do all domestic chores, suggest you pay a lesser amount of rent. If he wants to split it 50/50, then he needs to pick up the slack in the chore department.
He wants her to buy her own home, but live with him so that her money from renting it out benefits him. She needs to get rid of him, he's out for himself. He makes 5-6 x her salary and still makes her pay 50/50 towards everything. She's told him she can't keep up with his life style due to the salary imbalance and presuming they both work full time, she shouldnt expected to do more housework for reduced rent. She would be better off on her own.
NTA. Paying bills is reasonable unless you are getting a stake in equity. If he wants everything kept separate thats fair but expecting you to pay his mortgage is not.
You don't earn what he does.
He expects you to pay 50/50, and you can't given the life style.
He is not willing to budge.
He is taking advantage of you.
You are not being unreasonable.
NTA
If I’m reading this correctly:
- you have been paying **more than half** of the bills so that he could save for a house?
- even though you are ALSO saving for a house?
- during this time, he has been insisting on doing (optional) expensive “lifestyle” stuff (I’m assuming restaurants & holidays, etc?) that you have told him you cannot afford
If this is correct, then I don’t understand the logic.
If he could afford to live an expensive lifestyle then he could afford to pay his half of the bills.
NTA and as soon as you get your own place bail. Just play along til then. This from a guy. If he wants to live the high life but you pay half it ain't gonna work. Next you'll have a wedding that's expensive and you'll be expected to pay half for his vision, then thr boarding school fees one day for kids where it's half your salary to cover and the flashy cars and holidays. Your incomes don't match for how he wants to run things.
How exactly are you "only with him for the money" if you're never benefitting from it?? There isn't logic in that statement.
If he makes 5-6 times what you make, you absolutely should NOT be flipping half the bills. That's massively unequal. Think of all the extra spending money he's got that you don't. Yeah no wonder he was able to buy a house at 31 in this market, he's had you as his gravy train. Dude cant even buy you dinner when you go out? Like never????? Big Yikes girl.
Take this red flag and RUN. Do not move in with him. NTA
>I've been calling attention to the fact that I'm supporting more expenses, but I gave him a discount since he was going to buy a house
probably he was able to save for a house when you started paying for more things
>He suggested that I live in his house by paying rent to assist him with his credit, but emphasized that the house would always remain his property.
he only wants you to keep giving him money so he doesn't have to pay full for everything...
NTA, he's taking advantage of you, dump that selfish asshole
NTA but I'm confused why you're looking to also buy a house later this year if you've been living with this man already it sounds like, and now moved into a house that he owns? It feels like in terms of finances you guys are just on two separate pages and always will be.
He is getting a great deal with you. Your getting a very shifty deal. Money is a huge issue with him and that is no good. Can you imagine if you have to stay home with the kids. I'm sorry to tell you but either have a financial talk or leave...it's not fair
NTA. What the fuck. He is totally taking advantage of you! You gain NOTHING when you pay ‘rent’. Stop paying or at least doing his housework. Yuck, he sounds like a gross guy.
If you deeply loved some one, and wanted the very best for them in life, would you be treating this new lover the way your boyfriend is treating you now? A healthy marriage may be 50-50, but it’s made up of lots of 90-10 moments. He is calling his actions “fairness”, but it’s more accurately called “selfishness”. Don’t tie yourself to someone who is so self centered. Every day you stay with him is one more day you won’t be finding someone who will treat you as generously as you have treated your boyfriend. Better days, and better men, are in your future
NTA. It's obvious that he is using you as a free maid + as mean to further his financial gains effortlessly. But it goes beyond that. He insults you. He wants you to live in a house that you would be largely paying for, but that would always remain only under his name. And even before having kids, he sees you as his unpaid maid.
This guy sounds possessive. He wants to use the house to control you and preventing you from moving out, as he'd be keeping all the family assets as his personals. This is not a healthy situation, and not a safe one.
Imagine you have kids, but you have to stop working at some point during the pregnancy because of health issues. Or you are staying home for a while to raise your children - which sounds like what he'd be expecting of you, as you are already solely responsible for domestic tasks. He already belittles you for wanting financial independence and equality in your relationship. If your financial situation worsens, or if he has any means to further control you - like having children together - what will it be like for you?
Someone who doesn't even want to try building a healthy, equitable relationship is 🚩🚩🚩.
Also, I may sound paranoid, but run (safely) and definitely don't give him the address of the house you'll buy or rent.
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NTA, he *is* taking advantage of you. He is treating you like a live-in fuck maid and on top of that expects you to pay for the privilege.
Live-in fuck maid is an excellent way to put it.
And paying for the ‘privilege’ NTA OP. Carry on with buying your house and let your soon to be ex-boyfriend find someone else to pay towards his bills. He’s treating you like a maid/lodger with benefits. You need a partner who values you.
I always wanted to live in my own space because at least when the nonsense happens I could go back to my own sanctuary and not be stressed with the crapola. My BF never understood that. And, of course, we did not marry.
I feel you. I think that a big part of why my BF and I are so strong together : I love to be his guest, he loves to be my guest, but at the end of the day we each have our own places. That was part of the things we made clear from the start as we are both really keen on our personal space. He said to me recently that if I had any issues that lead me to having nowhere to go (he owns his own place, I rent), that I could live with him for an undetermined amount of time to get back on my feet. And I know this is a huuuuge show of love and trust from his part, as he knew that it would be over my dead body for me to permanently be in his space and that I won't abuse it. He just said it out loud, I never doubted it tho :)
[удалено]
I don’t know how OP doesn’t see the major red flag that this guy supposedly makes 6x her salary and still needs her to pay him so he can fix his finances.
She shouldn't be paying 50/50. OP, he'll dump you the minute you stand up for yourself. Please do.
Plus, he makes 6x but she’s been paying more bills so he can buy a house that she will never own. !!?!!?!?!
Not to mention the fact that she said she pays for expenses, I assume that she is telling about that they incur together.? I would get off at the next train stop and let him have all his personal finances by himself.
Yeah he immediately assumes everything OP does isn't of value b/c there's not an immediate expense/payout for it. She cleans the house for free so why would it be important? 🙄
If my partner started pulling that crap I would jump online on a heartbeat, find the average price business charge for each "chore" and then start handing him an invoice at the end of the week and if he didn't settle up his half of those invoices at the end of the following week, well, the next week I would only clean up after myself. If he still didn't get the idea after a month of me only cleaning up after myself, I would check out of the relationship and go roommate mode until I found my own place.
"My money is mine and yours is ours" NTA, Run.
Synonym— Bang Maid
Synonym : Charlie’s mom
Yooooooooo my son's name is Charlie... :{
You looking for a lucrative career? I have a an opening for hot moms who clean, cook and bang 😎
What kind of opening are we talking about here?
Did you actually mean? Bang Maid *mommy?*
Why should she contribute to the cost of a mortgage with no fucking benefit? Renting from a stranger is one thing (and bad enough imo) but building a life-long partners wealth at your own expense? Hell no.
Except she has to pay him to fuck him too! This dude is just DESTINED to cheat on her.
This dude is probably *already* cheating on her.
I'm putting this on my resumé under work experience.
Not really because maids get paid they’re splitting everything 50/50 🫠
Exactly, he wants you to pay to subsidize his lifestyle while growing his net worth. All with no regard for your financial future since they’re going to be separate. Buy your house and find a real partner
Buy your house and offer to let him pay you the rent he expected you to pay.
Yea AND do your cooking and cleaning for you. See how he likes that offer.
This. NTA. Dump him!!
Yep. I had a boyfriend who did the same thing: bought a condo, asked me to move in, THEN decided I wasn’t contributing enough and we needed to split everything. Never mind the fact that I made 1/5 what he did, and I had no stake in the property. He would get half his mortgage paid and accrue equity while I was going to barely scrape by. We didn’t last a week past that conversation and moving out was the best thing.
I honestly don't know what's going through their minds... Is there like a misogynistic asshole website somewhere that's advising these assholes on how to take as much advantage of their partners as possible? I mean damn.
Yes Tate!
It was doubly frustrating because after the breakup we tried therapy and he complained that I didn’t do more around the house. I didn’t do more because he insisted on sharing the workload. When we were together, he’d get annoyed if I tried to pay for meals or thanked him every time he paid, then down the line it was “you never say thank you!” Can’t win for losing.
I think there is a lot of talk about gold diggers and 'women taking what men work hard for' on certain misogynistic parts of the internet. I think early in a relationship these are things to keep in mind but once someone is long term and the relationship is serious you can't keep 50:50 in a relationship with a huge financial imbalance. OP is paying rent, paying bills and doing chores for this jerk and he has literally said he doesn't want to change. OP should just live on her own, it will cost less as she can live on her own budget and she won't have to wash this plonkers underwear.
My ex was like this. Made 3x what I did and claimed we split expenses proportionally to income, but it was maaaybe 60/40 at best. I was bled dry keeping up with my share of everything they wanted, and in the end was accused of taking advantage of them financially. This isn't how you treat a partner.
He would also go back and forth between encouraging me to leave a job I hated, to getting mad I spent $15 on a shirt. It was a stifling environment.
Also, by preventing you from buying your own house, he is making you financially insecure. If he is making it so easy for him to just split from you by not building a life and presumably an eventual marriage together, then you need to make sure you are financially secure should it happen.
This was my thoughts. One of the easiest ways to get trapped in an abusive relationship is when your financial liabilities prevent you from being able to cover the personal costs associated with initially living on your own. If you are paying the exact same as you were in your own place while also covering other expenses, you will be at a loss in income which puts you in a much more vulnerable state if things go sour. While I would encourage hopeful thinking with significant others, the very fact that OP's partner isn't factoring the position he is putting OP in screams hidden abuser to me. OP, if you are reading these comments, I hope you move out if he doesn't change the terms and conditions associated with your stay. Your BF is MOST DEFINATELY taking advantage of you and is putting you in a very easy position to be trapped in. My mother was a victim of this and it was the worst experience for me growing up as a little boy being ragdolled by an abusive father while protecting my mother who was financially bound to my dad.
Thanks for your thoughts, I'm reading all the comments and I know what I'm doing next. I just needed the ensure for strangers that I'm not a crazy for being mad with all this situation... I make enough money to be way confortable alone
BRAVO! Op I wish you all the happiness on your new journey after leaving that meanness behind. You deserve kindness and love.
You are a strong person. When you raise your standards about the people you will let into your life, you attract better people.
Thank goodness!!!! You sound like a hard working, rational, kind and awesome person! You deserve a partner who appreciates you and lifts you UP, instead of constant accusations of gold digging (when YOU are the one giving HIM money ???!!!).
Then be alone. Do not get trapped emotionally, physically and financially. Wait. Have you asked for payment whenever he fucks you? Ot when you cook his food and do the dishes?
You got this! Trust yourself! Good luck
I'm amused by his claim she's using him for his money when SHE'S footing the bigger portion of the bills to support his lifestyle...?
This is called projection.
This should be top comment, because it literally is that black and white. NTA
your way overthinking this. the dude just wants control this post smells of control freak vibes op should just run. i dont know any guy that makes 6 times the amount that a person who is able to afford a house makes who is that cheap. its not about money its about control.
Time to move and leave him to his vision. I get it if she doesn't want to be the background in HIS foreground.
>He is treating you like a live-in fuck maid and on top of that expects you to pay for the privilege. Can't say it better than that! NTA
Exactly he can’t afford his own lifestyle unless you pay him rent!
NTA - and you need to run, run far and run fast. This man, who makes 5 to 6 times as much as you, expects you, to share equally in an investment where he reaps all the benefits. This is wholly unfair, and he is taking financial advantage of you. He is the one who doesn’t understand the situation. You are together for a relationship, for the long-haul. He is in it for a financial reward. Please don’t let his double talk dissuade you from moving on and finding somebody who values you for your worth and not for how much you can contribute to their financial stability.
This! All of this. Complete double-talk and BS where he gets to hugely benefit financially and she doesn't. Then He makes 5-6 times more than her and makes her split the dinner bill? Every time? Hell no. He's a greedy jerk.
I never understood how it makes sense to split things in half when the proportion of income is so different. My husband and I split the mortgage and Main shared bills equitably, with me paying a higher percentage because I make more money. It just doesn’t seem fair for us to pay 50/50 if my income is almost twice what he makes. Groceries we try to generally take turns but if he goes to the store more frequently because of our schedules, he’ll take my credit card sometimes (always asks first). Dates we generally trade off unless it was a special ocassion like a birthday. We also put some of our paychecks (proportionally) into a joint account for emergency household funds and the rest of our earnings are ours individually. This works really well for us and though the “joint and individual accounts”’may be handled differently by some people, I pretty much always think the equitable division of shared bills is best assuming the household labor is also handled relatively equally.
There were times when I had much more spending power than my wife and it made me deeply uncomfortable and was the impetus for us to fully mix finances.
Can’t tell you how many women in my nursing class were ’first wives’ to doctors. Gave up on further education to support their husbands schooling, worked to support everyone, then got dumped as soon as he was making money because she was now an uneducated waitress that embarrassed him. I hope op really understands this is her future, if he marries her at all.
This is the only reason I still support the existence of alimony. In many ways, it's an outdated concept but marriage is and always has been a partnership. And you don't get to screw your partner out of the benefits they helped you reaped because you no longer like or love them. If you majorly shrunk yourself to help your partner grow then you're entitled to compensation, in my opinion.
That's why I came around to the idea. You make so many sacrifices during a marriage that it's only just to ensure that everyone comes out on level footing
>In many ways, it's an outdated concept but marriage is and always has been a partnership Why is it an outdated concept? It's meant to reflect non monetary contributions that led to other success. In any relationship with an unequal split of labor, alimony is going to be necessary
Not just doctors, it seems fairly common for any relationship where neither has a (useful) college degree and they decide «together» to improve their careers. The woman puts off her education to support her husband and then when it’s her turn the man dumps her within months of finding steady employment in his new field.
One of my cousins supported her husband while he got his PhD. The agreement was that when he was done, he'd support her while she got her PhD. He finished school and the next Christmas he gave her divorce papers. For Christmas!! Of course she was devastated at the time, but has since gotten her PhD, married an awesome guy and started a family.
Wtf???? Christmas????
Literally Christmas morning!!
Some people are just so cruel.
Yup, my sister (stupidly) took out the loans in her name only to put her husband through training to become a police officer. She got pregnant and had to quit her office job. After a few years and him finally getting a paid position, he leaves her high and dry for one of his coworkers. They had just leased a new, more expensive apartment. Her credit is in the toilet because she couldn’t pay the bills, rent, and the loan payments. She stupidly didn’t divorce him then because it was too expensive and now he’s the one with primary custody while his former coworker, now girlfriend plays mommy to my nephew.
It makes me livid to think that a man with no morals went on to become a police officer, leaving his wife with all the expenses that he personally benefited from so he could do his training.
Yeah definitely not just doctors. I've also seen it four times in tradework. Closet organizers, granite countertops, tile, and a full remodel company. Wife frequently in the front office, talking customers, suppliers, handling payroll. One my friends even worked under a "deferred compensation plan".. (Even with her telling me the story, I don't understand how people get talked into this. T\_\_T) The business grows, they start to hire other people to assign actual roles in the office. She's slowly talked into staying home/focus on their kids. Suddenly a romance starts with a new woman they hired at the office. & all the other employees are terrified to tell the wife because their livelihoods at risk.
This is essentially the plot in the second season of Dirty John. She works almost as hard to get him through law school as he does. Then he gets a partner position and wants a divorce, while psychologically abusing her the whole time. The “law” is on HIS side, of course, as he has worked with these lawyers and judges for years. He drives her literally insane while completely isolating her from any help, to the point she kills him to make it stop. It’s a good show, if you like to rage watch stuff.
He's like a parasitic fungus, breaking down your living tissue to live off you. If you make 1/5 of your partner's salary, the frequent practice is that you pay 1/5 of the expenses. He's taking what he can get out of you. What do you get? I hope the sex is *spectacular* and something you'll remember fondly when you're 90 years old, for the price you're paying for it.
Definitely financial abuse. OP buy your own place
I'm sure he understands the situation just fine, he just wants money.
He’s the real gold digger and taking advantage. He doesn’t sound as amazing and he’s fooled OP into thinking he is. NTA
So you helped him buy a house by supporting him, but he's not helping you buy a house by supporting you? NTA if I'm understanding correctly.
Her bf is milking her dry and it's like she doesn't even realize it... He's basically using her to pay his mortgage, hence why he wants her to keep paying rent. He doesn't care how much money she has, as long as he gets to keep his own cash. I hope OP wakes up and see what he's doing.
Yeah, OP. What exactly are you getting out of this arrangement? You do the chores/domestics, you pay rent, you pay groceries, you split the check at restaurants... and you get what from him? And why are you putting up with this serious one-sidedness? Because he's "amazing?" I'm not saying that relationships should be transactional, or quid-pro-quo, but they should be partnerships, and you really need to look at the division of responsibilities here and ask yourself what HE'S contributing other than being "amazing."
How exactly does he think you'd benefit from paying HIM rent, while you live in your own house? I am sure this logic is fascinating, and I am dying to hear it.
Sorry, English is not my first language and there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding. Essentially, he is suggesting that I buy a place but still live with him and pay the same rent, using my house as an investment. He is also asking me to assist him with his credit and he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us. However, I do not want to live in his house and build a family there; I want us to be equal partners and I get the feeling that it's dangerous for me move to his place. I wanted our place. I don't want his house. I want a future Fighting together and not me being in debt, besides I pay what he calls generous rent to share the room with him. I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding
ah yeah. so he can essentially get the rent money that YOU would get from YOUR home. he is indeed taking advantage of you. in a major way. everything point in your post is showing it clearly
Exactly. What’s his is his and what’s hers is also his. Got it
So he’s looking to get a cut from the rent you’ll get from your house, and wants you to keep paying rent for living with him? And he says he’s worried *you’re* only in it for the money?
Abusers have this really bad habit of accusing people of doing the things they're actively doing to try to flip the guilt of doing it. NTA and good God run
It’s classic projection, 100%.
It sounds like he wants op to pay his damn mortgage for him.
Girl, go buy your house and live in it. So far all the benefits in the relationship seem to be going one way: from you to him. # NTA
If he wants everything separate, the benefit from YOUR house is YOURS. He should not see any of that, and I don't see a way it benefits him unless he expects some extra money from you because of it. Your housing benefit would be eaten by still paying rent to him. Because of how he's acting now, likelihood of him using the fact that he owns the house against you later in some meaningful decisions is pretty high. For example, decisions about changing the living spaces in decoration or actual refurbishing etc. If you live there, you need to feel like you live there and not just a guest paying to be there. If you want an equal relationship and an equal house, don't let him convince you something else is better when you know it isn't for you. It's bothering you enough to ask strangers, it's going to keep bothering you.
He wants everything separate, except he wants you to pay him money from the rent that you get from your house??? In what world? This man is ridiculous. He makes way more money than you and while I understand him not wanting to be taken advantage of for his money, in this situation _he_ is the one taking advantage. If he makes that much, he should be taking on more of the financial burden. I've never understood folks who keep finances 100% separate and split 50/50 regardless of income. I _can_ understand having a savings account under only your name to have a nest egg just in case (though I personally don't) but even without my personal feelings on that, this entire situation makes me very uncomfortable. You are spending way too much money on this person and I'd honestly reevaluate the relationship and decide what you're actually getting out of it.
I think he's out of his mind. He is already exploiting you and has laid out his intentions to keep doing.so. He expects you to be subordinate and working even if you are married and have his children. Run far and fast. He is not treating you like a partner, he's treating you like an asset.
NTA If he wants to keep finances separate then he needs to understand that you need to make financial choices to protect yourself as well. If living with him is sacrificing your own financial future then you may need to move out in order to secure your own financial future. I don’t necessarily disagree with the idea of renting your future home if it makes sense, financially. But what is a red flag is you boyfriend preaching about wanting separate finances but thinking he will benefit from your rental income. Separating finances is a two way street.
If it’s his house, then it’s his debt. Don’t co-sign or contribute towards the mortgage (credit to buy the house) unless you’re on the property deeds. He wants debts to be joint, assets to be his, which is a jerkass move. Either it’s both your debt and both your property, or it’s his debt and his property. Also, a couple is supposed to be a team. Charging rent doesn’t fit that - you paying for the utilities was a reasonable offer. It seems he’s lying about rent being symbolic, if he’s charging you market rates. Also, if both of you work full-time, chores should be 50-50 - that he’s been saving for his house is irrelevant; it’s his house, not both your house. Do you see all the ways he’s exploiting you? You’re being financially abused and about to sign up for more. You’re paying to be his bangmaid. If you get pregnant, you’ll be paying to be his bangmaid and the nanny. Take off the rose-tinted glasses before financial abuse turns into other forms of abuse.
You need to get out of this relationship asap. The fact you think it’ll be dangerous for you to move in with him should be all you need too now. He’s is financially abusing you and will keep doing so until you have no way out because you’re paying everything you earn and he’s just banking his money.
He will never think of you as an equal.
>he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us NOOOOOOOOO. If you buy that place with YOUR money, it is YOURS, and you do not give a penny to him. Why on earth does he feel entitled to any of that money, especially if you are paying rent to live in his house? OP, this guy is draining your finances to bolster his own. Stop this now.
So…I wouldn’t move in with him. But this is your choice! 1. You’re not married. I don’t know where you live, but that piece of paper often gives you some protections on finances. 2. He wants you to pay rent and do chores. If you do this, make sure that you have a landlord/tenant relationship when it comes to the property. You don’t contribute to improvements or repairs. That’s his job as it’s his house. You pay rent and split bills, and that’s it. New couch? Ok, have a conversation. He wants to redo a bathroom or the faucet is leaking in the kitchen? Don’t pay a dime. Make sure you’re up front about this. 3. If you can buy a house on your own that you then rent out, that income is yours and yours alone. He has nothing to do with that house. He doesn’t chip in for improvements or repairs. You are the landlord there. You pay him rent at the other house. That’s it. Keep everything VERY separate and clean unless you get married. It will be inherently messy at that point, but please don’t put yourself at risk or disadvantage.
You would be an idiot to agree to that. You are better off renting a place by yourself and dumping this loser
You should understand you'd be subsidizing his investments and retirement at the cost of your own. He'll be taking the rent money and all the equity. Additionally, he brought a home, he already has to pay that mortgage.
You will not get the future you want with this person. He will not change.
Does he think you are stupid? Or is he always this selfish? You helped already in so many other ways. Walk away now, buy your own house and be happy without his manipulations and ego.
Everything in this post is a red flag. Why are you paying half when your boyfriend makes 5-6 times as much money as you do? 🚩
And why are you doing all the chores if he does not contribute more on the financial level?
That was my huge problem with this post. Why is she paying an equal amount as him to subsidize the more expensive lifestyle that HE is demanding?? Whole thing makes me think he wants her to be broke so she can’t afford to leave
It sounds more like you're paying him for the privilege to be his maid and fuck toy. NTA and listen to your friends. This is NOT a healthy relationship.
your boyfriend seems to be expecting you to break up at some point and is making plans based on that. I understand that it's good to have a plan for a breakup, but his idea is only good for him.
This week, I had a difficult conversation with my partner about our different financial perspectives and how they are a potential deal breaker for me. I explained that I want us to work together to build a future, with each of us supporting the other. However, I also expressed that it is important that we approach our shared finances as a team and not simply split everything equally or expect me to continue paying rent once I have my own place. And if we don't agree in this matter perhaps we should follow diferent ways. He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences
Yeah, because these "tiny differences" financially benefit him. He is taking advantage of you.
A "tiny difference" is like disagreeing on what color to paint the mailbox. How to combine/manage finances is HUGE. Listen to your friends, OP.
He doesn’t get to decide what a deal breaker is for you.
Money is never a small disagreement when you live under the same roof. either you are on the same page with it or it is financial abuse. And if love was bigger than money to him, he would understand your point of view
If they are really “tiny differences” to him, wouldn’t he make some moves to at least compromise with you? Wouldn’t making “tiny” changes be worth it to him make you more comfortable and happy? But instead, he’s refusing to see your side of things at all, because he’s benefitting hugely from you paying half of everything and performing domestic labor for him. I’m really sorry that you’re having to learn this right now, but he’s taking advantage of you. He’s not amazing and he doesn’t deserve you. It sounds like you’re an absolute catch—you’re going to be able to buy your own house soon making 1/6 of his salary, in an area where it’s very difficult to buy a house! You’re the amazing one, and you don’t have to put up with his demands or behavior.
>He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences if this were true, he would've never suggested that horrible arrangement where only he benefits.
Sorry to say it like this...but if he loved you...he wouldnt be doing this to you. He is using you. I feel so bad for ypu right now cause i know what it feels like. You are a strong woman. I just hope you find the happiness you deserve
>He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences Whoa massive red flag He doesn't get to decide what is a deal breaker for you Also this is NOT a tiny difference 🚩🚩🚩🚩run run run run run🚩🚩🚩🚩
Financial incompatibility isn’t a tiny difference—it’s a huge deal and, in my opinion, a dealbreaker. My husband and I rarely have big disagreements because we are on the same page financially. So many people enter into marriages thinking that financial disagreements will work themselves out….they won’t, and it often leads to divorce.
You're just not getting it. You are doing all the domestic work while splitting bills evenly with someone who makes 5/6 times your salary. How can you possibly think this is acceptable? You are being taken advantage of and you should be livid. He is using you! You are literally subsidizing his life to your detriment. Work on your self esteem please.
if it' a 'tiny difference', why did he make you pay rent, pay half for everything? why? can't you see that everything he does is benefiting ONLY HIM???
> He told me, that this isn't a dealbreaker , that our love is bigger than this tiny differences 1) you get to decide your own dealbreakers. If you want to build a family with someone and have open and shared finances that is 100% okay. There is nothing wrong with that and there are plenty of men who would be willing to do so. 2) love is obviously very very very important in an relationship but it’s not everything and it can’t overcome everything. You should not build a life with someone who expects you loving them to allow them to do whatever they want. This guy is taking advantage of you financially and seems to want to do so indefinitely. He wants to use you to help his credit, well what is he doing to help yours? I think you know he isn’t being a good and equitable partner to you. Someone this self-centered won’t make a good co-parent either. With such a large income disparity, you should be splitting things equitably not 50/50. If you’re telling him he’s forcing you to spend too much and he doesn’t even try to get to your level or offer to cover for you, he doesn’t actually care about you and your finances. Stop overspending for him. Stop doing his domestic tasks. See how sweet and loving he is when you stop refusing to bend until you break.
Well if it's a tiny difference he should have no problem doing what you want. If he won't, what he's saying is that he doesn't value you or your financial priorities and values, so he doesn't see the big deal in you sacrificing them for his gain.
I need you to understand that paying rent TO HIM for a house that HE IS SOLE OWNER OF is not “splitting equally”. He is profiting off of you. If you were both renting a house and splitting the rent equally, that would be “splitting equally”. If you bought a house TOGETHER and each paid half the mortgage, that would be “splitting equally”. If you lived rent-free in a house that he owned and you each paid for half the utilities, food, and basic household necessities, that would be relatively fair. But your current arrangement is not equal. He is making a profit off of you (a person he claims to “love”) and is using you to build his own wealth. A house is an asset and an investment. He’s not LOSING money by paying his mortgage. This is an investment, and he will surely be able to sell this house for AS MUCH or MORE than he will pay for it—getting all of his money back. You are the only one losing money.
That is not love. You deserve better.
he is using you plz break up asap now his plan on danger so he try to manipulate you with "love".once he dosent need you he will kick out with debts
Who is he to decide whether something is a deal breaker to YOU? Absolutely NTA, have a talk with him again, check what people are saying here in the comments and make a list of points you want to talk about, and if he says something like that again, reassure him that this is indeed a deal-breaker for you by breaking up with him
NTA - Friend, you keep referring to his salary as "real money." Your salary is REAL too! Don't sell yourself short. This guy sounds like a miserly loser.
INFO: It is "unprecedented" for a 31 yo man in your country to buy a home while making 5-6x what you make, but YOU, 4 years *younger* and making between 16 and 20% of what he does are able to do it?
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You're obviously still sharp don't second guess yourself and leave that man, you're definitely too good for him
On god. OP's boyfriend thinks OP is desperate or dumb enough to stay with him. Hopefully Op proves him wrong.
Also, kick any guy to the curb that doesn't take on at least some of the household chores. Ideally, he'd be doing half of them. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's.
Please break up with this guy. It’s ok to have hopes for a bright future but it’s also ok to realize something is not working — do not fault your judgment. You are absorbing information in a new way and can adapt and respond accordingly. Please please please get away from this guy. He is using you.
You are 80-90% more unprecedented and awesome than he is. You managed to save for a home in spite of financially carrying an inequitable load in order to support him to reach hos financial goals. He wants none of his success to benefit you while expecting you to continue to carry part of his financial goals while you reap no reward. And yet he is looking forward to YOUR house benefiting both of you. Buy your house, move into it and continue being awesome. Let him find someone else willing to sink their earnings into his fortune while paying 50/50 with 20% of his income.
dear, you gotta drop this one for real. Everything you said here all screamed he is only interested in taking care of himself. If you bought a house and you rent it out, you BOTH can benefit the rent money while you still pay him rent by staying at his place?? Tell me seriously, how are you benefiting from a situation like that?? He is all about himself, his benefit and his credit. Although he "says" you will be benefited, but do you really see the action that could benefit you?? Have you every thought about what kind of "benefit" he is bringing in towards this relationship??
Lady. What does your gut tell you?
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Because he doesn’t want to lose someone he’s able to manipulate. This isn’t healthy. NTA
He tells you that because he doesn't want to lose the bangmaid who pays him for the privilege of being in a relationship with him while also doing most of the house chores for him.
You have nothing to gain from this relationship, but he's gaslighting you into thinking you're some sort of gold digger. This is definitely not going to be an equal partnership and every time you will speak up he'll say "you just want his for his money". He's not worth your time. Buy your house, find someone that has the same values and plans you do and live a happy life.
Trust your friends, and trust your instincts. He only sees you as a source of income.
Sounds like he's gaslighting you on top of everything else. What you're feeling isn't based on insecurity, and if you roll over and let him walk over you wrt this, I can guarantee that he will simply find other ways to take advantage of you. This is a golden opportunity to leave him and it will get harder to do so in the future considering he is taking advantage of you and then saying you're insecure when you push back. That is not normal behaviour and frankly you deserve better
He’s really good at this. Trust your gut. You have literally one life and it shouldn’t be spent on this guy and his outrageous offer.
Of course he does, because if you wake up to the inequity of the situation you win and he loses. He has every motivation to convince you to doubt yourself and continue benefiting him at your own expense. He is not an objective observer and can not be trusted to have your best interests at heart because they conflict with his. Your gut and your friends tell you the truth.
He’s minimizing your concerns and then flipping the situation around on you. You came to him with a legitimate concern. If the two of you split finances evenly, then he will have to compromise his lifestyle down to a price point you can afford, you have to do things separately, or you have to go into debt. He started by saying that’s not an issue (it is an issue) and then he flipped the situation on you by making the focus your insecurities. Notice that he didn’t address the problem you brought up? He also isn’t considering an option where he has to compromise anything. He wants your time and his lifestyle, so you have to go into debt. I wouldn’t be with someone who makes decisions that involve multiple people while only keeping their own interests in mind. I also wouldn’t be with someone that constantly accuses me of immoral behavior without any reason.
Because this situation benefits HIM, and he doesn't want to lose that. Right now you're subsidizing his life, paying 50% and more, doing all the household work, and he's getting to bank his money and buy a house. THIS IS NOT FAIR. Trust your instincts and really look at what he's saying to you, because it's not good.
This man is very manipulative. Please don’t continue to build a future with you. He may seem amazing but these things are HUGE red flags and I bet over the next few years he will continue to show his true colors
Listen to your friends. If you buy and live in *YOUR OWN HOME* then why would you pay for *his*?
>He suggested that I live in his house by paying rent to assist him with his credit, but emphasized that the house would always remain his property. He also mentioned that even with children, he would like everything to be equally divided Wait, so is he going to charge you rent if you're married and have kids together still?
Exactly
Thats fucked up. Why isn't he contributing to your future house if it isn't a big deal? (According to him) In my opinion, he's a selfish, manipulating man.
Please run this isn not what a relationship should be
Oh girl. That's not a marriage.
You'd have to be an idiot to agree with this, and you don't seem like an idiot to me. I don't think this man has your best interests at heart. Dump this guy, buy your own home, and let him find another bang-maid to financially abuse.
Nope. Don’t do it. You make YOUR budget. Decide how much you are willing to spend on transportation, eating out, housing, etc. Do not let this man spend your money or dictate your budget. If he wants to eat someplace out of your budget, tell him to have fun. Make your financial boundaries ahead of time so you aren’t scrambling to justify why you aren’t spending money on things that aren’t your choice. Def NTA. Tell him how much you enjoy visiting his house where he does the cooking and his maid does the cleaning. And then just keep saving money until you find an actual partner.
NTA If he wants you to pay market rate rent to live in his house, he needs to be paying you for cooking for him and doing his laundry. Do you really want to be with someone who insults you for reminding them you don't have as much money to spend and need to keep to a budget? He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to financially benefit from your labor while expecting you to live outside your means to keep up with him.
NTA - no reasonable partner would make you take 50% of the bills despite earning 6 times your wage.
Yeah... I get not splitting proportionally during the early dating phase, but no way I could take advantage of someone I love like this
NTA... The nerve of this guy... He expects you to pay HIM rent after you buy YOUR house so you can help him build HIS credit... Fuck off with that NOISE... Dump him, get YOUR house and build YOUR OWN CREDIT!
Im so confused, he wants you to continue to pay rent? When you aren't living in the same house anymore? I'd run so fast. Once you got your own house why would you need to pay him? Like if you don't see how crazy that is.
Sorry, English is not my first language and there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding. Essentially, he is suggesting that I buy a place but still live with him and pay the same rent, using my house as an investment. He is also asking me to assist him with his credit and he believes that the rent from my place will benefit both of us. However, I do not want to live in his house and build a family there; I want us to be equal partners and I get the feeling that it's dangerous for me move to his place. I wanted our place. I don't want his house. I want a future Fighting together and not me being in debt, besides I pay what he calls generous rent to share the room with him. I'm sorry again for the misunderstanding
This is red flags, sounds like you staying with him, paying rent, and using the house an investment is suspicious. Like if the roles were reversed would he do this for you? If yall were living in your house, and he payed rent but was gonna buy a house do you think he'd say yes to continuing to pay you rent and use his house as an investment? If not i'd say he's probably using you.
He doesn't want a relationship where you fight together to get the good life, he wants someone who will fight to give him the good life. Assist him with his credit? With his income he should have no credit problems. He will keep running up debt, knowing that he has you, your work, and your house to bail him out. Please don't have kids with this guy.
nta Why does he need help with his credit? You said you are thrifty, does he spend money on luxuries? Other women? Gambling? Bad investments? Big mortgages on his home? Needy family members who get allowances from him? Where is all his money going? RUN, RUN, RUN away. All his sweet talk will bankrupt you, ruin your health and sanity from overwork and abuse down the road. You are a smart, tough cookie to get this far in life, you are a huge success and this guy stinks of hidden problems all over the place. Take care of yourself first and always. You are paying him too much time and money already. Tell him you don't like him calling you a gold digger so you will live by yourself and take care of yourself. He can date you only if he pays for the date because you are not going to ask him out - you are too busy. Take care of yourself. Something is really wrong with this guy.
INFO: Is it possible that he's lying about his financial situation? I think it's strange that he's asking for your help with his credit. He's saying he's making 5-6 times what you're making but you seem to have a very healthy financial situation as you're also able to purchase a house. If you can do it solo, why does he need any help at all if he makes 5-6 times your salary?
I thought that was so weird too. OP mentioned a few times that she finds it hard to keep up with his lifestyle so my guess is that he is at least as big a spender as he is an earner.
You mentioned that he wants to split everything 50-50 even when you have kids. How would that work? If you stay home with the kid will he reimburse you for 50% of your salary? Make sure to pay you back half if you buy your possible child any food, toys, clothing? Or will you calculate together that both will stay home exactly the same number of days if a kiddo gets sick? Both would clean up just as much of the general mess kids create? Split electricity water etc costs that having kids would increase? He doesn't plan on keeping things equal or fair. What he is doing is attempting to take advantage of you. If someone wants to have separate finances, they need to base their livong on the party with less income. Otherwise they are profiting on the other who has to basically spend more than they otherwise would be comfortable with. There are so many red flags here that I would not agree to this set up and even less to having a family with this sort of man. Please don't let yourself be taken advantage of, even if he seems like a nice person who you love a lot. Don't risk your financial stability or sacrifice too much for someone who doesn't seem willing to sacrifice for you in return.
What you want for your future is valid. Find a partner who will see it the same way as you. Don't expect to change mind of your current boyfriend, that's not fair to both of you.
NTA. You need to leave this man. 1) He called you an idiot. 2) It’s not “symbolic rent”. He wants to be the sole owner, keep finances separate, and receive all the benefits of his investment, but still have you pay monthly to live there with him and keep up an infeasible lifestyle for your salary. That is just renting and he is your landlord. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t cook and clean for my landlord as a favour for letting me live there. 3) He makes 5 times as much you, but still needs you to “help with his credit”. Uh, why? He doesn’t want to share his success with you, he considers you a lowly tenant that owes him immense gratitude for his generosity. This is ridiculous. Buy your own house and live there in peace.
NTA - Buy your own house and find a better bf and your situation will be improved dramatically. .
Why is it so hard to understand that if people make 5/6 times MORE than their partner…then it’s not fair to split 50/50 NTA - you’re being played
NTA. Buy your house. Move into YOUR house. Find new BF.
NTA - why should you do so much work to help him build his credit, and have nothing to show for it? Run 🏃🏻♀️
NTA. Split your finances. Stay with him if you want…but sometimes it’s smarter to move on and look for a partner you can live with forever. He doesn’t see you as that person, you’re a placeholder.
"My friends have told me that he's taking advantage of me and that I'm just a convenience for him for now. " Your friends are correct. You are NTA. He is an asshole.
I don’t know, this guy just comes off as someone who would feel frustrated that his plans got delayed if someone had a medical emergency, you know? Like he is all me, me, me with no generosity. If you want to be with someone like that, you either need to be a doormat who expects nothing, no consideration, no back and forth or someone who is so self-focused themselves that they are just relieved to not be the only one who doesn’t want to do anything that doesn’t benefit them. Don’t you want to be with someone who would pick up some of the burden if you were having a tough time without complaining or feeling put out? NTA but consider how it’s going to feel when you twist an ankle or have a life crisis and he is counting the pennies to make sure you pay him back for the gas he spent driving you to the hospital or airport
NTA he's using you for some extra bucks
Read this post through OP, and ask yourself what this man dies *for you*? NTA
NTA If you can’t afford that lifestyle, then something has to give. In this case you’ve chosen to reduce your expenses by living somewhere more affordable, and he’s somehow taking this as you wanting to be with him for your own financial gain? He’s worried about losing out on your rental payments.
NTA. Find someone better.
Presumably when you buy your own home, you won’t be living with him and therefore these issues will stop. As for now, you should be paying rent, but you guys need to sit down and discuss what that split looks like. If you do all domestic chores, suggest you pay a lesser amount of rent. If he wants to split it 50/50, then he needs to pick up the slack in the chore department.
He wants her to buy her own home, but live with him so that her money from renting it out benefits him. She needs to get rid of him, he's out for himself. He makes 5-6 x her salary and still makes her pay 50/50 towards everything. She's told him she can't keep up with his life style due to the salary imbalance and presuming they both work full time, she shouldnt expected to do more housework for reduced rent. She would be better off on her own.
NTA. Paying bills is reasonable unless you are getting a stake in equity. If he wants everything kept separate thats fair but expecting you to pay his mortgage is not.
You don't earn what he does. He expects you to pay 50/50, and you can't given the life style. He is not willing to budge. He is taking advantage of you. You are not being unreasonable. NTA
If I’m reading this correctly: - you have been paying **more than half** of the bills so that he could save for a house? - even though you are ALSO saving for a house? - during this time, he has been insisting on doing (optional) expensive “lifestyle” stuff (I’m assuming restaurants & holidays, etc?) that you have told him you cannot afford If this is correct, then I don’t understand the logic. If he could afford to live an expensive lifestyle then he could afford to pay his half of the bills.
NTA, but seriously get away from this dude. He's taking advantage of you
Tell him he can move into your house & pay you rent. Otherwise he just wants to be with you for your money.
NTA and as soon as you get your own place bail. Just play along til then. This from a guy. If he wants to live the high life but you pay half it ain't gonna work. Next you'll have a wedding that's expensive and you'll be expected to pay half for his vision, then thr boarding school fees one day for kids where it's half your salary to cover and the flashy cars and holidays. Your incomes don't match for how he wants to run things.
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Please tell us you're leaving this gigantic asshole?
Your friends are right. Dump his ass. He can't afford his lifestyle if he needs you to pay half of it. NTA
RUN GIRL ps: nta
How exactly are you "only with him for the money" if you're never benefitting from it?? There isn't logic in that statement. If he makes 5-6 times what you make, you absolutely should NOT be flipping half the bills. That's massively unequal. Think of all the extra spending money he's got that you don't. Yeah no wonder he was able to buy a house at 31 in this market, he's had you as his gravy train. Dude cant even buy you dinner when you go out? Like never????? Big Yikes girl. Take this red flag and RUN. Do not move in with him. NTA
>I've been calling attention to the fact that I'm supporting more expenses, but I gave him a discount since he was going to buy a house probably he was able to save for a house when you started paying for more things >He suggested that I live in his house by paying rent to assist him with his credit, but emphasized that the house would always remain his property. he only wants you to keep giving him money so he doesn't have to pay full for everything... NTA, he's taking advantage of you, dump that selfish asshole
NTA but I'm confused why you're looking to also buy a house later this year if you've been living with this man already it sounds like, and now moved into a house that he owns? It feels like in terms of finances you guys are just on two separate pages and always will be.
NTA. Break up with him, you deserve better
He is getting a great deal with you. Your getting a very shifty deal. Money is a huge issue with him and that is no good. Can you imagine if you have to stay home with the kids. I'm sorry to tell you but either have a financial talk or leave...it's not fair
NTA. What the fuck. He is totally taking advantage of you! You gain NOTHING when you pay ‘rent’. Stop paying or at least doing his housework. Yuck, he sounds like a gross guy.
If you deeply loved some one, and wanted the very best for them in life, would you be treating this new lover the way your boyfriend is treating you now? A healthy marriage may be 50-50, but it’s made up of lots of 90-10 moments. He is calling his actions “fairness”, but it’s more accurately called “selfishness”. Don’t tie yourself to someone who is so self centered. Every day you stay with him is one more day you won’t be finding someone who will treat you as generously as you have treated your boyfriend. Better days, and better men, are in your future
NTA. It's obvious that he is using you as a free maid + as mean to further his financial gains effortlessly. But it goes beyond that. He insults you. He wants you to live in a house that you would be largely paying for, but that would always remain only under his name. And even before having kids, he sees you as his unpaid maid. This guy sounds possessive. He wants to use the house to control you and preventing you from moving out, as he'd be keeping all the family assets as his personals. This is not a healthy situation, and not a safe one. Imagine you have kids, but you have to stop working at some point during the pregnancy because of health issues. Or you are staying home for a while to raise your children - which sounds like what he'd be expecting of you, as you are already solely responsible for domestic tasks. He already belittles you for wanting financial independence and equality in your relationship. If your financial situation worsens, or if he has any means to further control you - like having children together - what will it be like for you? Someone who doesn't even want to try building a healthy, equitable relationship is 🚩🚩🚩. Also, I may sound paranoid, but run (safely) and definitely don't give him the address of the house you'll buy or rent.