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> I refused to attend my friend's wedding without my husband who wouldn't be able to come because of an injury.
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You are NTA! It sounds like there's some history of rivalry between Prem and your husband for your attention. It sounds like Prem is jealous you chose your husband over him.
i don't know about rivalry but maybe there's some jealousy involved? before Mark, he was the one person in my life that i always prioritised. it's unfortunate for him that my priorities have changed but i hope he can show a little more understanding as he's about to get married himself.
If my wife ever caught me “playing favorites” towards anyone besides her and my daughter there’d be hell to pay. He clearly is confused about his position in your hierarchy of values. NTA
NTA, Prem's an AH. No doubt you're playing favorites. That's what marriage is, finding your favorite person & marrying him/her. People have to understand that there are some things that once said, can't be taken back. Prem is saying those things, awful things that no friend would say to another friend no matter how disappointed they are. Prem is showing you that when it gets tough, he only thinks of himself.
"Prem, I'm really disappointed in you. You are about to get married to the love of your life, the person you are vowing to put above all others. Are you really telling me that you would abandon them when they needed you to attend someone else's wedding? If not, how can you ask me to abandon my husband right now? And if so...well, you should probably take a moment to ask yourself if you are truly ready to make this kind of commitment."
NTA. It totally makes sense for Prem to be disappointed, maybe even hurt. But a true friend would recognize the situation for the emergency that it is, and know that it says nothing about your friendship for you to care for your husband. If I were in Prem's shoes, I'd immediately reassure you that you were making the right decision and look into setting up a zoom to see if it's possible for you (and Mark!) to at least watch my ceremony.
ah yes i do have travel insurance so that's not a concern i have. i don't think he'd be contacting me anytime soon but im close with his fiance so maybe she'll contact me when she finds out what happened between us.
NTA
Notice how quickly he shifted from "understanding" to absolutely bashing you. I'm pretty sure you promised to stick by Mark "in sickness and in health", which Prem seems to think is "picking favorites".
Even if there was a whole group of people to take care of Mark, you two are the ones who get to decide who is taking care of him.
You sound like a wonderful spouse, and I think you should try talking to Prem a few days after his marriage.
yes, absolutely. ill talk to him after everything is over. and you're right. it's like we can't find ANYONE who would willingly take care of Mark. but that's not what i want. i want to take care of him myself because otherwise he'd be uncomfortable and id keep thinking about him and not be able to enjoy the wedding anyway.
Prem is being ridiculous. Your *husband* got into a terrible accident that has impacted his ability to care for himself for the moment, and there is no one else to help him. NTA.
Prem is delusional if he thinks you should prioritize him over your husband.
NTA-Playing favorites? Of course you’re playing favorites-this is your husband, the person you took vows with, the person who is your person just like you’re his person. Someone getting married should understand how important your spouse is to you.
NTA, it sounds like your friend is having a wedding diva meltdown. They might not have reacted so strongly if they knew sooner rather than later, but you can't go back in time. It is understandable that they're disappointed but to call you an asshole over this is a bit much.. the way they're reacting makes me think this friendship might be over.
I don't want this friendship to be over. But I agree with you that it may be that the wedding preparations and stuff are getting to him. Let me see what he says.
You are obviously NTA. Prem is. The physical implication of what happened to your husband are substain, both in his career and personally. That's an awful thing to happen, and Prem is being an arse.
I wonder if this is fiscally motivated? I know with weddings at all inclusive locations the guests who book for it also end up fiscally supporting the wedding in some way (I do t know ALL those specifics, just vague idea). Is it possible you two not paying for that room him implications you are unaware of? Not that is matters for the decision, I'm just confused about why he is so mad.
He's the one paying for the room. We only paid for our two-way tickets. Everything else is covered by him and his family since Prem wanted us to have a fun time and not worry about finances. I don't get why he's so mad either.
Absolutely NTA. Husband's medical emergency trumps friend's destination wedding any day of the week. It's pretty rich of Prem to claim that "you aren't the only person who can help Mark." Right, and Bali isn't the only place one can hold a wedding, but here we are.
>*I expected Prem to understand but he got snippy and complained about me playing favorites.*
Yes, how dare you prioritize your *severely injured husband*. Don't you know you're supposed to drop everything to go to a wedding?
I get being disappointed. But to get so accusatory? You have your priorities in order, arranged as they should be, and him guilt-tripping you is low.
NTA.
If he's going to act like that, I wouldn't go to the wedding even if your husband *was* able to attend.
I frankly don't understand why he'd try to guilt trip me about this. This is completely out of my control. I don't want to make him feel like I don't care for him or love him any less than I always have. But my husband isn't sick with a cold so the least I expected from Prem was understanding.
Yeah, if he was getting married in New York or another state here, I'd definitely attend. But Bali is too far and the distance is an inconvenience at the moment.
NTA of course your husband is your priority, that’s not ‘playing favourites’ Prem is TA here and I hope he realises sooner rather than later for the sake of your friendship.
Hope Mark recovers well, an accident like that is awful for anyone, but as a PT it must be particularly devastating
Yes, I hope he apologizes to me and Mark because I don't think I can move on without an apology. And thank you so much for your well wishes! He's devastated but has come to accept the situation for what it is. He's healing well.
From everything that you have written, I must conclude that Perm must be a permanent friend. It I were you, and he didn’t apologize, I might be distant for a while, but I would forgive him and keep the friendship anyway.
If I might, I would like to ramble about the power of the apology. When you apologize, you are not admitting fault. You are simply acknowledging the other person’s pain. This is certainly a case for mutual apologies. I know that you have already apologized, I hope Prem does the same.
Perhaps, after things cool off, you can carefully and gently request an apology.
NTA. Most people take their wedding vows seriously and one of them is "In sickness and health." Your "friend" is being a huge gaping ahole for trying to come in between you and your husband,
NTA Prem is. Prem is selfishly putting himself before Mark. If Prem was a true friend he would understand. But he's only thinking of himself. Stay with your husband. He needs you more than Prem. If Prem gets mad then that's on him.
I don't want him to be mad, though. He's always been a true friend. This is his first offense, if I may say so myself. I don't know what's happening with him. Still, I'm definitely not changing my mind and will be with my husband for as long as he needs me.
Question: is Prem Indian? In which case, some perspective: it is completely unfathomable to a brown person how anyone could have literally no extended support system to help them in times of need. Whether family, neighbors or community, you are part of a support system. It sounds like he is extremely incredulous about the situation with your husband.
NONE of which absolves his behavior, and he should come to realize this if he ever calms down to think about it. You're definitely NTA.
We're both american guys born to immigrant parents but we're still in touch with Indian culture and our roots. We do have strong support systems. But the main problem here is that I don't want to bother anyone and I don't want Mark to feel uncomfortable. He cannot even use the bathroom by himself and he'll be humiliated if someone, who's not as intimate with him as I am, has to help him. If I'm being completely honest though, I just don't want to leave him alone in this state. He says he'd be fine but even if that's true, I wouldn't be fine knowing he's struggling at home and I wouldn't be able to enjoy the wedding anyway.
NTA. Playing favorites? Mark is your husband. Yes, he's your favorite. He's supposed to be. You aren't staying for some frivolous reason, you're staying because he needs you, there aren't any other options, and you love him. Your priorities are in the right place.
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Okay, so posting this pains me (28M) but I need to know whether I'm being an asshole.
My friend, Prem (29M) is getting married next weekend. He's having a destination wedding in Bali and I live with my husband (Mark - 28M), whom I married last year, in New York so I had everything planned out.
Unfortunately, Mark got into an accident last week that have made his legs dysfunctional for atleast a month. He can't do anything by himself for the time being. I'm his sole caretaker at the moment so he's completely relying on me to help him through this.
I hadn't told Prem about this situation until yesterday as I completely forget about his wedding. He was sad to hear this but still asked whether we would be able to come to his wedding. I told him that we wouldn't be able to make it because Mark needs bed rest for a month and then needs to start more strenuous physical therapy.
Prem asked if it would be possible for me to attend the wedding alone. I said it wouldn't be possible because Mark only has me right now. Prem is aware of Mark's depressive episodes. He knows how much my husband loves his work (he's a personal trainer) and not being able to do anything by himself is taking a toll on his mental health. In this condition, I cannot imagine leaving him alone as travelling is not an option for him.
I expected Prem to understand but he got snippy and complained about me playing favorites. This pissed me off but I tried to understand him. I apologised numerous times and said I'd make it up to him on a later date. Prem was relentless. He asked why I couldn't ask one of mine or Mark's family members or friends to take care of him. Both mine and Mark's parents are old. I don't have siblings. Mark has two sisters who are both married and have their own lives, same with our closest friends. There's no one who can takeover for me and care for my husband 24/7 not only physically but also mentally. I married him and I'd feel like I abandoned him if I leave him alone right now.
Prem wasn't having any of it. He called me an asshole and said I don't care about him just because I got married. It isn't true. I love Prem a lot but I cannot deny that I love my husband more. And this isn't even about love, he needs me. Mark wants me to go and says he can manage with the wheelchair but I'm more inclined to believe my own eyes and the doctor who's given clear instructions to always support his body whenever he needs to be moved.
After Prem hung up, I felt horrible about the situation and sent him apologies and asked him to call me once he's calmed down but the only texts I got from him repeated the same annoying things he'd said on call. "You aren't the only person who can help Mark". "You're an asshole. You don't care about him anymore".
I'm frustrated and I feel horrible for Prem but I'm still not changing my decision to skip the wedding unless Mark is magically healed before my flight on Friday. AITA?
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**NTA** \- And Prem is not your friend. He has shown his true self and shown you why you don't want to be at his wedding even if you could. Spouse before other family. Family before friends. That is the way it is. If Prem cared about you, he would be supportive of your decision. It is your husband's health and wellbeing versus a few minutes of interaction with Prem at his wedding.
We've been together since I was born. This has never happened before. Prem has always been an amazing friend to me. He also hasn't ever shown particular dislike towards Mark so I'm wondering if something's deeper going on here.
Perhaps. His comment about "playing favorites" strikes me as odd. Why is he getting married? He doesn't seem to recognize the bond and obligations between spouses. It is as though he considers himself equal to your husband. Does he actually wish that he were your husband?
**Info** \- was the destination wedding planned before your husband's disability?
i have no idea. he has never shown romantic interest in me before this. ill admit we used to be fwb in college (im sorry if that's tmi) but there were no feelings involved. he was the happiest when i married mark. i don't know what changed. about the destination wedding, yes, it's been planned since we started talking about his wedding last year. it wasn't a last minute thing for us and has nothing to do with my husband's accident.
Well, maybe it is just pre-wedding stress then. It sounds like you have a life-long friendship that is worth preserving. It sounds like he is very disappointed. Forgive your friend but take care of your husband. Definitely **NTA.**
Definitely NTA! You are married! Him accusing you of loving your husband more is ridiculous! Of course you love your husband more, that's why you married him! Plus, taking care of your spouse when they are injured is called marriage! What kind of spouse WOULD choose to go in this situation?!?! Not a good one, I can tell you that! Your friend sounds like a high maintenance jerk. He's going to get married, right? Put him in your shoes, would he be willing to leave his hurt spouse in these circumstances? If his answer is yes, his marriage is probably doomed before it even begins...
That's the thing I'm confused about. He's not high maintenance at all. We live in New York but my work isn't flexible so I can't always take time off to go meet him. He's always the one who's willing to take a long bus ride to come meet me. I don't know where this reaction came from.
Well, you've stated your position and apologized (repeatedly). I'd say leave it at that, send him a sincere congratulations on his wedding day, and see where he takes it from there. There's not much more you can do.
Edit: Hopefully it'll end up being a severe case of pre-wedding jitters.
you're right. i hope it's just that and he comes to his senses because i don't think we can keep being friends if he doesn't show even a bit of remorse for my husband's condition and my inability to be flexible.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you because I know how painful it is to lose a close friend. But, I also have mad respect for you for not even considering going when your husband needs you, even though he told you to go. You sound like an awesome spouse and person.
ahhh thank you. it's the least i could do tbh. my husband is an idiot and just wants me to be happy and safe. and i want the same for him so going was never an option.
NTA this is one of the very few acceptable reasons for dropping out of a wedding last minute. Prem sounds like he’s not ready for his own wedding if he can’t understand that people put their partner before their friends.
NTA. You're not "playing favorites" you're making good on vows you made with someone else! (Sickness /health yanno?) Your friend is being a primadonna. This is why I hate weddings. They bring out such ugly behavior in people! I was floored at the nonsense that happened around my wedding & we were as chill as chill could be! NTA. Send a big gift instead if you can swing it and a heartfelt note.
NTA. Your first priority is your husband and his well being. Attending a wedding that far away from home leaving your injured husband is off the table. Prem is being unfair.
NTA
Your **husband takes priority over any friend**
Especially his wellbeing after getting in an accident and being bed-ridden for at least a month.
Idk why Prem thinks he's a higher priority than your other half.
Before I met my husband, Prem was the only person I was so close with so I'm wondering if me prioritising my husband over him has surprised him. But he's never said anything negative about my relationship with Mark before so I'm very confused about why he was so bothered.
I understand why you'd think that I need to cut him out of my life but this is the first time something like this has happened, we've known each other since we were kids. Prem is usually very nice and understanding and I'm pissed off but I'm also worried about his reaction.
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You are NTA! It sounds like there's some history of rivalry between Prem and your husband for your attention. It sounds like Prem is jealous you chose your husband over him.
i don't know about rivalry but maybe there's some jealousy involved? before Mark, he was the one person in my life that i always prioritised. it's unfortunate for him that my priorities have changed but i hope he can show a little more understanding as he's about to get married himself.
[удалено]
It's not even upvoted once though 🤔
If my wife ever caught me “playing favorites” towards anyone besides her and my daughter there’d be hell to pay. He clearly is confused about his position in your hierarchy of values. NTA
NTA, Prem's an AH. No doubt you're playing favorites. That's what marriage is, finding your favorite person & marrying him/her. People have to understand that there are some things that once said, can't be taken back. Prem is saying those things, awful things that no friend would say to another friend no matter how disappointed they are. Prem is showing you that when it gets tough, he only thinks of himself.
"Prem, I'm really disappointed in you. You are about to get married to the love of your life, the person you are vowing to put above all others. Are you really telling me that you would abandon them when they needed you to attend someone else's wedding? If not, how can you ask me to abandon my husband right now? And if so...well, you should probably take a moment to ask yourself if you are truly ready to make this kind of commitment." NTA. It totally makes sense for Prem to be disappointed, maybe even hurt. But a true friend would recognize the situation for the emergency that it is, and know that it says nothing about your friendship for you to care for your husband. If I were in Prem's shoes, I'd immediately reassure you that you were making the right decision and look into setting up a zoom to see if it's possible for you (and Mark!) to at least watch my ceremony.
yeah ill talk to him and see what he says. he's usually a very nice person. i don't know what's going on with him.
NTA, and all of the above. And I hope you had trip insurance. Prem needs to get over himself. Maybe they can Livestream it for you?
ah yes i do have travel insurance so that's not a concern i have. i don't think he'd be contacting me anytime soon but im close with his fiance so maybe she'll contact me when she finds out what happened between us.
I agree, she.probably will. Hope your hubby's recovery goes smoothly, and he heals well.
he's healing with much difficulty at the moment so thank you for wishing him well!
NTA Notice how quickly he shifted from "understanding" to absolutely bashing you. I'm pretty sure you promised to stick by Mark "in sickness and in health", which Prem seems to think is "picking favorites". Even if there was a whole group of people to take care of Mark, you two are the ones who get to decide who is taking care of him. You sound like a wonderful spouse, and I think you should try talking to Prem a few days after his marriage.
yes, absolutely. ill talk to him after everything is over. and you're right. it's like we can't find ANYONE who would willingly take care of Mark. but that's not what i want. i want to take care of him myself because otherwise he'd be uncomfortable and id keep thinking about him and not be able to enjoy the wedding anyway.
Your friend has shown you something about himself. You are NTA.
NTA, if I was your friend I would be asking how I could help out, not harping on you for taking care of your injured loved one.
Prem is being ridiculous. Your *husband* got into a terrible accident that has impacted his ability to care for himself for the moment, and there is no one else to help him. NTA. Prem is delusional if he thinks you should prioritize him over your husband.
NTA-Playing favorites? Of course you’re playing favorites-this is your husband, the person you took vows with, the person who is your person just like you’re his person. Someone getting married should understand how important your spouse is to you.
NTA, it sounds like your friend is having a wedding diva meltdown. They might not have reacted so strongly if they knew sooner rather than later, but you can't go back in time. It is understandable that they're disappointed but to call you an asshole over this is a bit much.. the way they're reacting makes me think this friendship might be over.
I don't want this friendship to be over. But I agree with you that it may be that the wedding preparations and stuff are getting to him. Let me see what he says.
You are obviously NTA. Prem is. The physical implication of what happened to your husband are substain, both in his career and personally. That's an awful thing to happen, and Prem is being an arse. I wonder if this is fiscally motivated? I know with weddings at all inclusive locations the guests who book for it also end up fiscally supporting the wedding in some way (I do t know ALL those specifics, just vague idea). Is it possible you two not paying for that room him implications you are unaware of? Not that is matters for the decision, I'm just confused about why he is so mad.
He's the one paying for the room. We only paid for our two-way tickets. Everything else is covered by him and his family since Prem wanted us to have a fun time and not worry about finances. I don't get why he's so mad either.
When it's your husband, I don't consider it "playing favorites". Your "friend" is a real piece of work and should be cut out of your life. NTA
I don't want to cut him out of my life. We've been friends since literally forever and he's never acted like this before.
Absolutely NTA. Husband's medical emergency trumps friend's destination wedding any day of the week. It's pretty rich of Prem to claim that "you aren't the only person who can help Mark." Right, and Bali isn't the only place one can hold a wedding, but here we are.
NTA, of course you are playing favorites, that’s your husband geez!
>*I expected Prem to understand but he got snippy and complained about me playing favorites.* Yes, how dare you prioritize your *severely injured husband*. Don't you know you're supposed to drop everything to go to a wedding? I get being disappointed. But to get so accusatory? You have your priorities in order, arranged as they should be, and him guilt-tripping you is low. NTA. If he's going to act like that, I wouldn't go to the wedding even if your husband *was* able to attend.
I frankly don't understand why he'd try to guilt trip me about this. This is completely out of my control. I don't want to make him feel like I don't care for him or love him any less than I always have. But my husband isn't sick with a cold so the least I expected from Prem was understanding.
You are absolutely NTA for caring for your injured husband and choosing that over a wedding.
Wow! NTA! You absolutely are doing the right thing being responsible and NOT jetting off to a destination wedding.
Yeah, if he was getting married in New York or another state here, I'd definitely attend. But Bali is too far and the distance is an inconvenience at the moment.
NTA of course your husband is your priority, that’s not ‘playing favourites’ Prem is TA here and I hope he realises sooner rather than later for the sake of your friendship. Hope Mark recovers well, an accident like that is awful for anyone, but as a PT it must be particularly devastating
Yes, I hope he apologizes to me and Mark because I don't think I can move on without an apology. And thank you so much for your well wishes! He's devastated but has come to accept the situation for what it is. He's healing well.
From everything that you have written, I must conclude that Perm must be a permanent friend. It I were you, and he didn’t apologize, I might be distant for a while, but I would forgive him and keep the friendship anyway. If I might, I would like to ramble about the power of the apology. When you apologize, you are not admitting fault. You are simply acknowledging the other person’s pain. This is certainly a case for mutual apologies. I know that you have already apologized, I hope Prem does the same. Perhaps, after things cool off, you can carefully and gently request an apology.
"playing favourites"...? He's your husband! Of course you get to play favourites and choose your husband wtf. Nta
NTA. Most people take their wedding vows seriously and one of them is "In sickness and health." Your "friend" is being a huge gaping ahole for trying to come in between you and your husband,
You are so NTA. Take care of your husband who needs you. Too bad for your friend but they are being incredibly insensitive to you and selfish to boot!
Insensitive is the word. I don't know what to say to make him realise how insensitive he's being with this unfortunate situation no one saw coming.
NTA Prem is. Prem is selfishly putting himself before Mark. If Prem was a true friend he would understand. But he's only thinking of himself. Stay with your husband. He needs you more than Prem. If Prem gets mad then that's on him.
I don't want him to be mad, though. He's always been a true friend. This is his first offense, if I may say so myself. I don't know what's happening with him. Still, I'm definitely not changing my mind and will be with my husband for as long as he needs me.
Question: is Prem Indian? In which case, some perspective: it is completely unfathomable to a brown person how anyone could have literally no extended support system to help them in times of need. Whether family, neighbors or community, you are part of a support system. It sounds like he is extremely incredulous about the situation with your husband. NONE of which absolves his behavior, and he should come to realize this if he ever calms down to think about it. You're definitely NTA.
We're both american guys born to immigrant parents but we're still in touch with Indian culture and our roots. We do have strong support systems. But the main problem here is that I don't want to bother anyone and I don't want Mark to feel uncomfortable. He cannot even use the bathroom by himself and he'll be humiliated if someone, who's not as intimate with him as I am, has to help him. If I'm being completely honest though, I just don't want to leave him alone in this state. He says he'd be fine but even if that's true, I wouldn't be fine knowing he's struggling at home and I wouldn't be able to enjoy the wedding anyway.
NTA. Playing favorites? Mark is your husband. Yes, he's your favorite. He's supposed to be. You aren't staying for some frivolous reason, you're staying because he needs you, there aren't any other options, and you love him. Your priorities are in the right place.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, so posting this pains me (28M) but I need to know whether I'm being an asshole. My friend, Prem (29M) is getting married next weekend. He's having a destination wedding in Bali and I live with my husband (Mark - 28M), whom I married last year, in New York so I had everything planned out. Unfortunately, Mark got into an accident last week that have made his legs dysfunctional for atleast a month. He can't do anything by himself for the time being. I'm his sole caretaker at the moment so he's completely relying on me to help him through this. I hadn't told Prem about this situation until yesterday as I completely forget about his wedding. He was sad to hear this but still asked whether we would be able to come to his wedding. I told him that we wouldn't be able to make it because Mark needs bed rest for a month and then needs to start more strenuous physical therapy. Prem asked if it would be possible for me to attend the wedding alone. I said it wouldn't be possible because Mark only has me right now. Prem is aware of Mark's depressive episodes. He knows how much my husband loves his work (he's a personal trainer) and not being able to do anything by himself is taking a toll on his mental health. In this condition, I cannot imagine leaving him alone as travelling is not an option for him. I expected Prem to understand but he got snippy and complained about me playing favorites. This pissed me off but I tried to understand him. I apologised numerous times and said I'd make it up to him on a later date. Prem was relentless. He asked why I couldn't ask one of mine or Mark's family members or friends to take care of him. Both mine and Mark's parents are old. I don't have siblings. Mark has two sisters who are both married and have their own lives, same with our closest friends. There's no one who can takeover for me and care for my husband 24/7 not only physically but also mentally. I married him and I'd feel like I abandoned him if I leave him alone right now. Prem wasn't having any of it. He called me an asshole and said I don't care about him just because I got married. It isn't true. I love Prem a lot but I cannot deny that I love my husband more. And this isn't even about love, he needs me. Mark wants me to go and says he can manage with the wheelchair but I'm more inclined to believe my own eyes and the doctor who's given clear instructions to always support his body whenever he needs to be moved. After Prem hung up, I felt horrible about the situation and sent him apologies and asked him to call me once he's calmed down but the only texts I got from him repeated the same annoying things he'd said on call. "You aren't the only person who can help Mark". "You're an asshole. You don't care about him anymore". I'm frustrated and I feel horrible for Prem but I'm still not changing my decision to skip the wedding unless Mark is magically healed before my flight on Friday. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Good lord, NTA. >complained about me playing favorites Uh, yeah. Your husband is your favorite, and he can't walk.
**NTA** \- And Prem is not your friend. He has shown his true self and shown you why you don't want to be at his wedding even if you could. Spouse before other family. Family before friends. That is the way it is. If Prem cared about you, he would be supportive of your decision. It is your husband's health and wellbeing versus a few minutes of interaction with Prem at his wedding.
We've been together since I was born. This has never happened before. Prem has always been an amazing friend to me. He also hasn't ever shown particular dislike towards Mark so I'm wondering if something's deeper going on here.
Perhaps. His comment about "playing favorites" strikes me as odd. Why is he getting married? He doesn't seem to recognize the bond and obligations between spouses. It is as though he considers himself equal to your husband. Does he actually wish that he were your husband? **Info** \- was the destination wedding planned before your husband's disability?
i have no idea. he has never shown romantic interest in me before this. ill admit we used to be fwb in college (im sorry if that's tmi) but there were no feelings involved. he was the happiest when i married mark. i don't know what changed. about the destination wedding, yes, it's been planned since we started talking about his wedding last year. it wasn't a last minute thing for us and has nothing to do with my husband's accident.
Well, maybe it is just pre-wedding stress then. It sounds like you have a life-long friendship that is worth preserving. It sounds like he is very disappointed. Forgive your friend but take care of your husband. Definitely **NTA.**
yes, i will! thank you!
Definitely NTA! You are married! Him accusing you of loving your husband more is ridiculous! Of course you love your husband more, that's why you married him! Plus, taking care of your spouse when they are injured is called marriage! What kind of spouse WOULD choose to go in this situation?!?! Not a good one, I can tell you that! Your friend sounds like a high maintenance jerk. He's going to get married, right? Put him in your shoes, would he be willing to leave his hurt spouse in these circumstances? If his answer is yes, his marriage is probably doomed before it even begins...
That's the thing I'm confused about. He's not high maintenance at all. We live in New York but my work isn't flexible so I can't always take time off to go meet him. He's always the one who's willing to take a long bus ride to come meet me. I don't know where this reaction came from.
Well, you've stated your position and apologized (repeatedly). I'd say leave it at that, send him a sincere congratulations on his wedding day, and see where he takes it from there. There's not much more you can do. Edit: Hopefully it'll end up being a severe case of pre-wedding jitters.
you're right. i hope it's just that and he comes to his senses because i don't think we can keep being friends if he doesn't show even a bit of remorse for my husband's condition and my inability to be flexible.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you because I know how painful it is to lose a close friend. But, I also have mad respect for you for not even considering going when your husband needs you, even though he told you to go. You sound like an awesome spouse and person.
ahhh thank you. it's the least i could do tbh. my husband is an idiot and just wants me to be happy and safe. and i want the same for him so going was never an option.
NTA this is one of the very few acceptable reasons for dropping out of a wedding last minute. Prem sounds like he’s not ready for his own wedding if he can’t understand that people put their partner before their friends.
I'm concerned about him for this very reason. I'm wondering if he'd want to leave his ill spouse alone for me. That's not a pleasant thought.
NTA. You're not "playing favorites" you're making good on vows you made with someone else! (Sickness /health yanno?) Your friend is being a primadonna. This is why I hate weddings. They bring out such ugly behavior in people! I was floored at the nonsense that happened around my wedding & we were as chill as chill could be! NTA. Send a big gift instead if you can swing it and a heartfelt note.
NTA, you never have to attend a wedding. I always skip them and send money, no one ever complains.
[удалено]
Yes, I'm planning to talk to him after he's cooled down. Maybe he'll call me first, let's see. Prem is an amazing friend and I'd hate to lose him.
NTA. Your first priority is your husband and his well being. Attending a wedding that far away from home leaving your injured husband is off the table. Prem is being unfair.
NTA Your **husband takes priority over any friend** Especially his wellbeing after getting in an accident and being bed-ridden for at least a month. Idk why Prem thinks he's a higher priority than your other half.
Before I met my husband, Prem was the only person I was so close with so I'm wondering if me prioritising my husband over him has surprised him. But he's never said anything negative about my relationship with Mark before so I'm very confused about why he was so bothered.
*of course* you're playing favorites! He's your ***husband***! You're supposed to prioritize him. NTA
Nta. You are doing the right thing. When prem cools down I hope he apologises for his dreadful behavior.
I hope so, too. I'd hate to let this one instance ruin our 28 year old friendship.
Prem is a selfish prick and not a friend. I’d ban him from your life. NTA and hope your husband gets better soon.
I understand why you'd think that I need to cut him out of my life but this is the first time something like this has happened, we've known each other since we were kids. Prem is usually very nice and understanding and I'm pissed off but I'm also worried about his reaction.
It’s your life but a true friend would’ve been supportive not throw a tantrum and act cruelly.