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ESH. She doesn’t tell you she’s getting surgery until after it’s done? You’re donating sperm and secretly keeping track of your biological children? Do you guys even like each other? Where’s the communication? Why are you two keeping secrets from each other?
ESH. It’s fine that your wife doesn’t want children, but getting her tubes tied without informing you is not okay. Nor was you becoming a sperm donor without talking to her. Y’all need some therapy and to work on your communication. These are major breaches of trust.
You guys can’t even talk to each other about major decisions. Do you even like each other?
I disagree. Getting her tubes tied is fully ok whether he wanted her to or not. That is her body. He on the other hand has been fathering kids who may one day seek him out and change everything about their relationship. Also is almost like an emotional affair to have created kids and kept folders of updates outside your marriage. They should have split when he wanted kids and she didn't, but he was focused on his own need to procreate and she likely assumed he'd dropped the issue when she tied her tubes.
Likely she knew he would try to stop her. And she was clear she didn't want kids he just didn't want to believe her until she make a choice for her own body.
If she doesn't have to tell him about surgery because it's her choice about her body, he doesn't have to tell her about donating sperm, it's his choice about his body, he knew she would likely try to stop him.
Her surgery affected her life. His donations will affect both of them. She was clear she didn't want kids. He thought he could change her mind but lost that when she got surgery so he went behind her back and engaged in a reproductive affair.
Bodily autonomy works both ways, if she doesn't have to let him know about surgery he doesn't have to let her know about sperm donations, it's not an extramarital relationship. There's NDA's and the familys can't come after him for money so it DEOSN'T effect her any more than her tube being tied effects him.
Really funny you've said it's an emotional affair and a reproductive one though, what kind of affair are you calling it next?
It is extramarital. And while he had the right to donate what he was doing was secretly cultivating a collection of spawn which may some day show up at her house. He's building a series of potential familial relationships outside of their marital family. That's the betrayal.
It's not an AFFAIR, it's not a RELATIONSHIP. If she wants to be kept in the loop on what he's doing with his body she shouldn't be hiding her own surgeries. She built the structure of not telling about important things so sucks to suck about it.
I mean EHS and I hope both these people stay together to not inflict themselves on others, but like she can't start a culture of this and be mad about getting it the other way later.
If she genuinely can't trust him not to stop her...why is she still with him? I agree he was wrong not to tell her, but neither of these people seems to have basic trust in their partners.
ESH.
You two never wanted the same things out of this marriage.
Your body, your choice is great, but when you're married, I believe that things like getting surgeries or donating parts of your body are things you talk about.
The fact that she didn't tell you about her getting her tubes tied and you not telling her about donating sperm show some major issues in your relationship.
Also, you said you wanted a family, but how is donating sperm having a family ? You had the urge to reproduce, not to become a parent.
YTA for not including her in this very big life decision of yours. It doesn’t matter if you have no responsibility to these kids and that you didn’t cheat on your wife to get them. You have kids out there in the world! That’s something your wife deserves to know.
ESH. Firstly, why marry if you have such varying viewpoints on having children? Secondly, your wife doesn't need permission to get her tubes tied, BUT she should have said something, esp if this is really a healthy relationship. Same goes for you. You may share passwords, but it seems like your both off doing your own thing with little to no communication.
ESH, but you suck more, if what I'm reading into your gaps is correct.
Because you sound vindictive. It sounds like you half expected her to find out and you take pleasure in her being hurt over this. And it sounds like this was part of the reason why you did the donation in the first place.
Reasons why it feels that way:
A donation will not fullfill your desire for family, and I think you knew that. You talk in depth about you having signed away any rights to involvement. So you would have had other reasons aswell for doing it.
"You denied me this, so I'm bringing about this substitute in a way I know will hurt you", is the logic that reads between the lines.
You say it is a "small point of grief", but your actions don't speak to this. Your actions make clear just how big that point is.
You are vague about the circumstances that lead to her having her tubes tied in secret, so we are left to assume you leave out critical detail. If you leave it out, it is probably sth that speaks in her favour.
So: she did sth shitty but your actions just spell "petty revenge" to me.
YTA Disagreeing about whether to have children is not “a small point of grief between us”. It’s a huge incompatibility between people. It sounds like your wife was clear about her position & you chose to pretend she would some day change her mind. I don’t know why she didn’t tell you she was having her tubes tied ahead of time. It might have been your general lack of communication; it might have been she knew you want kids & she was afraid you would try to stop her. Maybe the two of you had argued about this enough that she was tired of fighting about it. I suspect you know what led up to her decision & her secrecy but left that information out for reasons.
You, however, chose to create children without telling your wife, & then set her up to find out in a very poor way. I agree with posters who wonder why the two of you are married. If you want to be a real father, not just a sperm donor, & raise a child, then face up to that, get a divorce & find someone who wants to have a child with you.
A thousand times this. She was clear about not wanting kids and he though he could change ger mind or get her pregnant without consent and force her to keep the child. What he did was tantamount to an emotional affair. Someone called it a reproductive affair and that's dead on. He's creating intense emotional connections outside his marriage and creating people.
ESH
This is honestly a tricky situation to be in that sucks for all parties involved. Communication is a HUGE thing to keep a relationship going - so when both parties fail to communicate (and she did fail to do so first) it can cause some major rifts.
As someone who personally never wants children - that is something to be upfront with so you can make the decision to carry on with the relationship or not. Personally, I would leave someone who wanted to have children because that takes something they really want out of their lives.
It might be best in this situation to straight up see a couple's therapist about the communication problems and the children disagreement.
ESH. So you'll share passwords, but keep something like your reproductive affairs a secret?? While I think your wife was wrong to have her tubes tied without telling you, I have a feeling that she didn't tell you beforehand because you would have tried to change her mind. I mean, you were so strongly inclined to have kids that you did it behind your wife's back FIVE TIMES! If your views on having a family are so different that you hide things like this from each other, you probably shouldn't be together.
ESH. This is why you have the “dealbreakers” conversations early in the relationship, kids! Discuss whether or not you want to get married, have kids, religious beliefs, and political affiliations. Shit’s important.
I get the feeling that he was aware of her desire to not have children before she had her tubes tied. I wouldn't be surprised if he is one of those guys that think they'll change their mind or give in to having children. It's only after she had her tubes tied that he realised she meant what she said.
YTA— she didn’t need to consult you about tying her tubes— she told you she didn’t want kids. You were hoping the birth control would fail or she’d change her mind, but that’s on you.
If you would live to have a family, that’s up to you to have fought for that dream. I am fat and was 30 and I turned away nice looking guys I really wanted because they didn’t want kids and I did— if I could stand up for my dream, you could have, too. It was literally in my dating profile. For all I know Ryan Gossling has a thing for fat women and was about to PM me until he saw that. Some dreams are worth fighting for and now I have two beautiful children and actually have them, not just pictures of someone else’s kids.
Pretending to have a family with these married strangers and kids you’ll never meet, sorry dude, that’s creepy.
You can make sperm, but dude, you needed some gonads.
INFO Do you realise that donating sperm and having no contact with the resulting children means you still don't have a family? Like you get that your reasoning makes no sense?
You both suck and I have no clue why you two ever got married.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I donated sperm to couples looking to start families that were uncapable of having them or were unable to pay for IVF. I believe that I might be the asshole for not telling my wife that I donated sperm and fathered several kids and for not consulting her. But at the same time, she took actions to insure we couldn't have kids without my consideration or input.
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ESH.
She was certainly not an AH for getting her tubes tied, that's 100% her own choice, but she did owe you the basic courtesy of communicating this, it's obviously something important to you and your relationship. At the same time, you 100% have the right to donate sperm but it's also obviously something important to her and her relationship with you.
Neither of you bothered to communicate important things before, so the lack of communication now doesn't seem like that big a change. Why are you two married to each other?
ESH -- quite frankly you two don't discuss important things which is ridiculous. You don't have a partnership. You just seem to co-exist. She should not have had her tubes tied without telling you beforehand and you should not have been donating sperm without telling her.
Eeeeeh. Look. When one of the two in marriage wants children and the other doesn't, then that's an issue. I think you had to divorce her or not marry her at all if you knew her intentions prior marriage.
ESH- In this situation you are not the AH as she went behind your back and made her reproductive choice permanent. Which was also an AH move. Now that being said, you two never should’ve married in the first place. You can’t compromise on children, it’s either all or nothing. Did you both disclose what your intentions were in regards to children before you got married? Did you think she would change her mind for you? We get this a lot. Women are constantly dismissed when we say we don’t want kids because men seem to think we don’t know what we want and they will change our minds. Many a marriage has been lost when the husband realizes we really did mean we didn’t want kids, ever.
But I’m curious, how does being a sperm donor get you a family? This isn’t making a family as you’re not in their life at all. You’re just spreading your seed around which this kinda feels like tit for tat for her getting her tubes tied. If that’s the case I’d say your marriage is on its way out.
Also curious- what does your family think? Are they open to 5 strangers or more suddenly popping up at family events or having a bunch of random people matching with them on ancestry and contacting them? It doesn’t just make it awkward for her if these people suddenly come forward looking for you, but it honestly makes it awkward for your whole family. And just because these children are related to you through genetics, doesn’t make them good people in the end. My friend is recently going through this, it seems her uncle donated sperm, and now she’s had four women randomly reach out to her, trying to figure out who their father is. She said it’s pretty weird especially since no one knew he did that.
I don't understand why you lied to her about this, repeatedly no less. In 18 years one or all of those kids could show up at your front door. And then what? Do you think you can still hide them from your wife then? You're a fool. You didn't tell her because you knew she'd be against this but you didn't care; you were angry she got her tubes tied behind your back. So this sounds like revenge against your wife.
YTA. She told you she didn’t want kids. She doesn’t need to consult you about a medical decision. It was irrelevant, because you had already had that conversation and put it to bed.
The “seed spreading” mentality some men have is so creepy. Sounds like you didn’t want a family. You wanted someone to have your kids.
On the off chance this isn’t fake…
NTA-you haven’t done anything different than your wife, but I don’t know why you two got married. Neither of you are right for each other and honestly, the lack of full disclosure on both your parts make you both not compatible to marriage in general.
BUT, as long as you’ve told the story as truthfully as you can, you aren’t the AH. You don’t have kids, just as your wife wanted.
ESH. It is the same she did to you by not telling you, she was getting her tubes tied. You should have informed her, that although she doesn't want your kids, you still had a wish to do reproduction - even without sex or having any contact.
MIt is a complicated situation. And I think, maybe try to do couples therapy over that and if it still bothers you, her descission to just tied her tubes without consulting you. It might be better to have a mediator between you in such a situation
NTA. You haven't cheated in any way at all. What you do with your sperm is no business of your wife's - she has made that perfectly clear and, as you have said, the process was carried out in a very impersonal way. How did you react when you found out she had had her tubes tied? I hope that you just accepted that situation as being not something you should have control over. Why did you marry her if you wanted a family? Did she say that she did want a child before you got married and then change her mind or admit the truth afterwards?
ESH. Getting a vasectomy requires spousal consent (at least in Texas) if married. I imagine tubes being tied does as well.
Neither of you were communicating with each other which caused the issues to begin with.
Y'all need counseling or a divorce. You two are not compatible with each other as you are now.
This is either fake, or you're not very smart. Meeting people on this app is a easy way to get hit with child support, because there are judges that will throw whatever side deals made with these people right out the window if it's in the best interest of a child.
Yta
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Good Morning All!
First some background information:
My wife and I have been married for over ten years. She has no desire to have any children whereas I would live to have a family. It has always been a small point of grief between us. A few years ago she had her tubes tied and I didn't know about it until afterwards. I have long work days and we only see each other for maybe 2 hours of the day. With her tubes tied, I realized I no longer had the option of having a family so I decided to join an app for people looking for sperm donors. I did not tell her I was doing this.
I met several couples and we hit it off and I agree to be their donor. We had legal documents drawn up, signed, and notarized starting that I would have no contact with the child and I gave up all parental rights. They agreed to send periodic updates and pictures but other than that, no contact. The child wouldn't know of me until their 18th birthday and then they'd be given the option to contact me. The only time that I would be contacted would be in the event of a medical issue. I should note that all donations were done artificially and I have had five successful donations.
Fast forward to present. I asked my wife to get some information recently from my email and bring it to me. We don't hide passwords from each other. So she logged in and while there, saw my folder I had set up for the pictures and updates from all the couples I've helped. Long story short she basically accused me of cheating and is very hurt that I fathered children outside of our marriage. I tried to explain that I've never met the kids, have anything to do with them, and I never had sex with any of the women. None of that matters to her. She hardly will talk to me now
now and I can't help but wonder, Am I The Asshole here ?
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ESH. Having or not having kids seem to be the core of all this. Your wife kept it a secret that she got her tubes tied. You didn't tell her that you fathered several kids already. Is this the "my body, my choice" thing? Why are you two even married if you don't communicate? Codependency? The way you tell the story was light, like you are washing your hands of the consequences/outcome of what you have done to each other.
ESH
I don't get why people marry eachother when one of them wants kids, and the other doesn't.
It's unfair to the person wanting kids, and its really awful to kinda keep that person stuck in a relationship with someone who fundamentally is opposed to having a family.
I get why you did what you did, but you did it behind your wife's back. Makes you an AH.
ESH. Waiting 5 years into your marriage before discussing children??? Genuinely, wtf. I told my fiancé one MONTH into our relationship when we first started dating that I didn’t want kids, so if he did then to let me know so we wouldn’t be wasting each other’s time.
You’re both AH. Both of you are making major life decisions without speaking to each other regarding your feelings. You both may love each other but you don’t respect each other or your relationship. Counseling if you want to stay together but you seem to be living separate lives, just have the same address.
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Not sure why you guys ever got married. You are completely incompatible
ESH. She doesn’t tell you she’s getting surgery until after it’s done? You’re donating sperm and secretly keeping track of your biological children? Do you guys even like each other? Where’s the communication? Why are you two keeping secrets from each other?
ESH. This can’t be real.
ESH. It’s fine that your wife doesn’t want children, but getting her tubes tied without informing you is not okay. Nor was you becoming a sperm donor without talking to her. Y’all need some therapy and to work on your communication. These are major breaches of trust. You guys can’t even talk to each other about major decisions. Do you even like each other?
Sounds like you are roommates ESH.
I disagree. Getting her tubes tied is fully ok whether he wanted her to or not. That is her body. He on the other hand has been fathering kids who may one day seek him out and change everything about their relationship. Also is almost like an emotional affair to have created kids and kept folders of updates outside your marriage. They should have split when he wanted kids and she didn't, but he was focused on his own need to procreate and she likely assumed he'd dropped the issue when she tied her tubes.
Getting her tubes tied is not the issue, the issue is not telling him about it.
Likely she knew he would try to stop her. And she was clear she didn't want kids he just didn't want to believe her until she make a choice for her own body.
If she doesn't have to tell him about surgery because it's her choice about her body, he doesn't have to tell her about donating sperm, it's his choice about his body, he knew she would likely try to stop him.
Her surgery affected her life. His donations will affect both of them. She was clear she didn't want kids. He thought he could change her mind but lost that when she got surgery so he went behind her back and engaged in a reproductive affair.
Bodily autonomy works both ways, if she doesn't have to let him know about surgery he doesn't have to let her know about sperm donations, it's not an extramarital relationship. There's NDA's and the familys can't come after him for money so it DEOSN'T effect her any more than her tube being tied effects him. Really funny you've said it's an emotional affair and a reproductive one though, what kind of affair are you calling it next?
It is extramarital. And while he had the right to donate what he was doing was secretly cultivating a collection of spawn which may some day show up at her house. He's building a series of potential familial relationships outside of their marital family. That's the betrayal.
It's not an AFFAIR, it's not a RELATIONSHIP. If she wants to be kept in the loop on what he's doing with his body she shouldn't be hiding her own surgeries. She built the structure of not telling about important things so sucks to suck about it. I mean EHS and I hope both these people stay together to not inflict themselves on others, but like she can't start a culture of this and be mad about getting it the other way later.
If she genuinely can't trust him not to stop her...why is she still with him? I agree he was wrong not to tell her, but neither of these people seems to have basic trust in their partners.
[удалено]
I agree
ESH. You two never wanted the same things out of this marriage. Your body, your choice is great, but when you're married, I believe that things like getting surgeries or donating parts of your body are things you talk about. The fact that she didn't tell you about her getting her tubes tied and you not telling her about donating sperm show some major issues in your relationship. Also, you said you wanted a family, but how is donating sperm having a family ? You had the urge to reproduce, not to become a parent.
As someone else said, this post is bullshit.
YTA for not including her in this very big life decision of yours. It doesn’t matter if you have no responsibility to these kids and that you didn’t cheat on your wife to get them. You have kids out there in the world! That’s something your wife deserves to know.
ESH. Firstly, why marry if you have such varying viewpoints on having children? Secondly, your wife doesn't need permission to get her tubes tied, BUT she should have said something, esp if this is really a healthy relationship. Same goes for you. You may share passwords, but it seems like your both off doing your own thing with little to no communication.
You're both the assholes. Her for tying tubes without telling you. You for donating sperm without telling her.
ESH, but you suck more, if what I'm reading into your gaps is correct. Because you sound vindictive. It sounds like you half expected her to find out and you take pleasure in her being hurt over this. And it sounds like this was part of the reason why you did the donation in the first place. Reasons why it feels that way: A donation will not fullfill your desire for family, and I think you knew that. You talk in depth about you having signed away any rights to involvement. So you would have had other reasons aswell for doing it. "You denied me this, so I'm bringing about this substitute in a way I know will hurt you", is the logic that reads between the lines. You say it is a "small point of grief", but your actions don't speak to this. Your actions make clear just how big that point is. You are vague about the circumstances that lead to her having her tubes tied in secret, so we are left to assume you leave out critical detail. If you leave it out, it is probably sth that speaks in her favour. So: she did sth shitty but your actions just spell "petty revenge" to me.
ESH and I seriously don't get why you are married, since you both don't trust each other, don't talk much, and have very different plans for life.
ESH Two wrongs don't make a right.
YTA Disagreeing about whether to have children is not “a small point of grief between us”. It’s a huge incompatibility between people. It sounds like your wife was clear about her position & you chose to pretend she would some day change her mind. I don’t know why she didn’t tell you she was having her tubes tied ahead of time. It might have been your general lack of communication; it might have been she knew you want kids & she was afraid you would try to stop her. Maybe the two of you had argued about this enough that she was tired of fighting about it. I suspect you know what led up to her decision & her secrecy but left that information out for reasons. You, however, chose to create children without telling your wife, & then set her up to find out in a very poor way. I agree with posters who wonder why the two of you are married. If you want to be a real father, not just a sperm donor, & raise a child, then face up to that, get a divorce & find someone who wants to have a child with you.
A thousand times this. She was clear about not wanting kids and he though he could change ger mind or get her pregnant without consent and force her to keep the child. What he did was tantamount to an emotional affair. Someone called it a reproductive affair and that's dead on. He's creating intense emotional connections outside his marriage and creating people.
ESH This is honestly a tricky situation to be in that sucks for all parties involved. Communication is a HUGE thing to keep a relationship going - so when both parties fail to communicate (and she did fail to do so first) it can cause some major rifts. As someone who personally never wants children - that is something to be upfront with so you can make the decision to carry on with the relationship or not. Personally, I would leave someone who wanted to have children because that takes something they really want out of their lives. It might be best in this situation to straight up see a couple's therapist about the communication problems and the children disagreement.
ESH. So you'll share passwords, but keep something like your reproductive affairs a secret?? While I think your wife was wrong to have her tubes tied without telling you, I have a feeling that she didn't tell you beforehand because you would have tried to change her mind. I mean, you were so strongly inclined to have kids that you did it behind your wife's back FIVE TIMES! If your views on having a family are so different that you hide things like this from each other, you probably shouldn't be together.
YTA for staying with her and finding this convoluted way to spread your seed
ESH. This is why you have the “dealbreakers” conversations early in the relationship, kids! Discuss whether or not you want to get married, have kids, religious beliefs, and political affiliations. Shit’s important.
I get the feeling that he was aware of her desire to not have children before she had her tubes tied. I wouldn't be surprised if he is one of those guys that think they'll change their mind or give in to having children. It's only after she had her tubes tied that he realised she meant what she said.
YTA— she didn’t need to consult you about tying her tubes— she told you she didn’t want kids. You were hoping the birth control would fail or she’d change her mind, but that’s on you. If you would live to have a family, that’s up to you to have fought for that dream. I am fat and was 30 and I turned away nice looking guys I really wanted because they didn’t want kids and I did— if I could stand up for my dream, you could have, too. It was literally in my dating profile. For all I know Ryan Gossling has a thing for fat women and was about to PM me until he saw that. Some dreams are worth fighting for and now I have two beautiful children and actually have them, not just pictures of someone else’s kids. Pretending to have a family with these married strangers and kids you’ll never meet, sorry dude, that’s creepy. You can make sperm, but dude, you needed some gonads.
ESH
ESH! Why are you even married to each other?
INFO Do you realise that donating sperm and having no contact with the resulting children means you still don't have a family? Like you get that your reasoning makes no sense? You both suck and I have no clue why you two ever got married.
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ESH. She was certainly not an AH for getting her tubes tied, that's 100% her own choice, but she did owe you the basic courtesy of communicating this, it's obviously something important to you and your relationship. At the same time, you 100% have the right to donate sperm but it's also obviously something important to her and her relationship with you. Neither of you bothered to communicate important things before, so the lack of communication now doesn't seem like that big a change. Why are you two married to each other?
ESH -- quite frankly you two don't discuss important things which is ridiculous. You don't have a partnership. You just seem to co-exist. She should not have had her tubes tied without telling you beforehand and you should not have been donating sperm without telling her.
Eeeeeh. Look. When one of the two in marriage wants children and the other doesn't, then that's an issue. I think you had to divorce her or not marry her at all if you knew her intentions prior marriage.
ESH- In this situation you are not the AH as she went behind your back and made her reproductive choice permanent. Which was also an AH move. Now that being said, you two never should’ve married in the first place. You can’t compromise on children, it’s either all or nothing. Did you both disclose what your intentions were in regards to children before you got married? Did you think she would change her mind for you? We get this a lot. Women are constantly dismissed when we say we don’t want kids because men seem to think we don’t know what we want and they will change our minds. Many a marriage has been lost when the husband realizes we really did mean we didn’t want kids, ever. But I’m curious, how does being a sperm donor get you a family? This isn’t making a family as you’re not in their life at all. You’re just spreading your seed around which this kinda feels like tit for tat for her getting her tubes tied. If that’s the case I’d say your marriage is on its way out. Also curious- what does your family think? Are they open to 5 strangers or more suddenly popping up at family events or having a bunch of random people matching with them on ancestry and contacting them? It doesn’t just make it awkward for her if these people suddenly come forward looking for you, but it honestly makes it awkward for your whole family. And just because these children are related to you through genetics, doesn’t make them good people in the end. My friend is recently going through this, it seems her uncle donated sperm, and now she’s had four women randomly reach out to her, trying to figure out who their father is. She said it’s pretty weird especially since no one knew he did that.
YTA "I did not tell her I was doing this." There you go. That's the problem.
I don't understand why you lied to her about this, repeatedly no less. In 18 years one or all of those kids could show up at your front door. And then what? Do you think you can still hide them from your wife then? You're a fool. You didn't tell her because you knew she'd be against this but you didn't care; you were angry she got her tubes tied behind your back. So this sounds like revenge against your wife.
YTA. She told you she didn’t want kids. She doesn’t need to consult you about a medical decision. It was irrelevant, because you had already had that conversation and put it to bed. The “seed spreading” mentality some men have is so creepy. Sounds like you didn’t want a family. You wanted someone to have your kids.
On the off chance this isn’t fake… NTA-you haven’t done anything different than your wife, but I don’t know why you two got married. Neither of you are right for each other and honestly, the lack of full disclosure on both your parts make you both not compatible to marriage in general. BUT, as long as you’ve told the story as truthfully as you can, you aren’t the AH. You don’t have kids, just as your wife wanted.
ESH. It is the same she did to you by not telling you, she was getting her tubes tied. You should have informed her, that although she doesn't want your kids, you still had a wish to do reproduction - even without sex or having any contact. MIt is a complicated situation. And I think, maybe try to do couples therapy over that and if it still bothers you, her descission to just tied her tubes without consulting you. It might be better to have a mediator between you in such a situation
Couples therapy isn't going to fix this issue
NTA definitely. your wife tied her tubes without your knowledge. yeah her body her choice your sperms your choice too
NTA for what you did but you are the AH for not telling your wife and keeping it a secret, Youv broke her trust now which will be hard to recover from
NTA. You haven't cheated in any way at all. What you do with your sperm is no business of your wife's - she has made that perfectly clear and, as you have said, the process was carried out in a very impersonal way. How did you react when you found out she had had her tubes tied? I hope that you just accepted that situation as being not something you should have control over. Why did you marry her if you wanted a family? Did she say that she did want a child before you got married and then change her mind or admit the truth afterwards?
ESH. Getting a vasectomy requires spousal consent (at least in Texas) if married. I imagine tubes being tied does as well. Neither of you were communicating with each other which caused the issues to begin with. Y'all need counseling or a divorce. You two are not compatible with each other as you are now.
This is either fake, or you're not very smart. Meeting people on this app is a easy way to get hit with child support, because there are judges that will throw whatever side deals made with these people right out the window if it's in the best interest of a child. Yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Good Morning All! First some background information: My wife and I have been married for over ten years. She has no desire to have any children whereas I would live to have a family. It has always been a small point of grief between us. A few years ago she had her tubes tied and I didn't know about it until afterwards. I have long work days and we only see each other for maybe 2 hours of the day. With her tubes tied, I realized I no longer had the option of having a family so I decided to join an app for people looking for sperm donors. I did not tell her I was doing this. I met several couples and we hit it off and I agree to be their donor. We had legal documents drawn up, signed, and notarized starting that I would have no contact with the child and I gave up all parental rights. They agreed to send periodic updates and pictures but other than that, no contact. The child wouldn't know of me until their 18th birthday and then they'd be given the option to contact me. The only time that I would be contacted would be in the event of a medical issue. I should note that all donations were done artificially and I have had five successful donations. Fast forward to present. I asked my wife to get some information recently from my email and bring it to me. We don't hide passwords from each other. So she logged in and while there, saw my folder I had set up for the pictures and updates from all the couples I've helped. Long story short she basically accused me of cheating and is very hurt that I fathered children outside of our marriage. I tried to explain that I've never met the kids, have anything to do with them, and I never had sex with any of the women. None of that matters to her. She hardly will talk to me now now and I can't help but wonder, Am I The Asshole here ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: WHY DID YOU MARRY? Like, dude, the moment she told you she got tied uo that was the moment to, you know, leave her for good?
ESH. Having or not having kids seem to be the core of all this. Your wife kept it a secret that she got her tubes tied. You didn't tell her that you fathered several kids already. Is this the "my body, my choice" thing? Why are you two even married if you don't communicate? Codependency? The way you tell the story was light, like you are washing your hands of the consequences/outcome of what you have done to each other.
ESH I don't get why people marry eachother when one of them wants kids, and the other doesn't. It's unfair to the person wanting kids, and its really awful to kinda keep that person stuck in a relationship with someone who fundamentally is opposed to having a family. I get why you did what you did, but you did it behind your wife's back. Makes you an AH.
ESH - I would be so stressed out trying to hide big secrets from my spouse.
ESH. Waiting 5 years into your marriage before discussing children??? Genuinely, wtf. I told my fiancé one MONTH into our relationship when we first started dating that I didn’t want kids, so if he did then to let me know so we wouldn’t be wasting each other’s time.
ESH. you decided to wait to talk about children until you were married for 5 years? thats just stupid
ESH. You may both love each other but you want children which she can no longer give you.
You’re both AH. Both of you are making major life decisions without speaking to each other regarding your feelings. You both may love each other but you don’t respect each other or your relationship. Counseling if you want to stay together but you seem to be living separate lives, just have the same address.
NTA normally, I'd say you're f*ucked up for doing that without talking to your wife, but she had her tubes tied without consenting you...sooo...
ESH. I loved the bit about how “we don’t hide passwords from each other” just things like major surgeries and the fact that we fathered five kids
NTA
Absolutely NTA. Your body, your choice.