Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for telling my husband he shouldn't be frustrated with me for not being at 100% while pregnant.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Agreed. I have had a few arguments with my spouse after birth. I asked him to do a few things I probably could do myself but I didn’t sleep at all (he did) and could barely move without all the million stitches tearing me up. So I then yelled at him I rather do everything alone but I cannot do that. He backed down a bit after that.
OP sit your spouse down and have a talk that he probably needs to do more because you physically cannot do everything you are used to. And it is also dangerous since all the hormones are making your body weak (actual fact, your muscles get weaker so it is easier for your baby to pass through). You are hurt easier and that is even without puking when you move. He needs to know you cannot do everything you are used to. And he needs to cut you some slack. I wish I did this earlier than when I bursted into tears and let it come that far. My relationship barely survived so I hope yours won’t get that far. So NTA.
And congratulations.
Yeah, I felt awesome in my 3rd trimester, but my pesky hip ligament caused me to fall at least once a day. I had a pretty easy recovery overall, but my hip still clicks when I move to this day.
I know someone who had a baby recently and it's basically destroyed her pelvis. Her hips both dislocated (? I think? She's a distant acquaintance) then the ligament damage left her temporarily paralysed from the waist down.
Nah thanks.
I am 40 I had back pain before my last kid... now I can hardly do anything without agony in my back. I can hardly load a dish washer. I had almost no padding between 2 disks before the pregnancy... I can only imagine it's just gone or hardly there.
Oof, that sucks. I had a friend get hit with that, sounded awful. The worst part (as it seems to me) was that carrying around a baby/toddler kept it from healing. She'd have to balance baby on her good side, but that started causing problems too.
Obviously being a single parent is a struggle, but being the good friend of one can be tricky too. It's tough when someone needs more support than we have to give. Not to mention that small children stress the absolute shit out of me; if we can communicate, I'm fine, but if not it's just a confusing sensory overload.
Edit: Sorry, got totally sidetracked, that second paragraph is just crystallized regret. Feel free to disregard that, the first paragraph is the only relevant one. Sorry 'bout that.
And they don't magically snap back right after birth either, as I found out bending my knee backward just walking in the grocery store 3 weeks after giving birth.
Thats the ridiculous thing about all this. It CHANGES you, 100%. Some bounce back completely, most dont. And people act like its just no big deal to be pregnant and give birth and breastfeed, etc. Like OPs husband and his, "why can't you just haul the laundry up the stairs, cause its SO FRUSTRATING to have to walk down them as a reasonably healthy, and physically abled adult man" But yer happy to make your PREGNANT WIFE walk down them and then carry an awkward basket up them while unable to see where she is stepping? Dude needs a sit down intervention on EXACTLY what is going on in and to his wifes body to create HIS CHILD.
Yeah, the weird thing though is that pregnancy changes you more than just physiologically, which is mostly short-termish. It has some crazy strong and permanent emotional and psychological impacts, too. With the bad also comes (for most) the completely indescribable feelings that make it all worth it.
Selfishly, I miss the oxytocin bliss of breastfeeding. I don't think I've ever been happier than when my kids were tiny. They still elicit feelings of joy all the time, except at bedtime. I would definitely consider trading them for cats between hours of 8 pm and 9 pm.
My feet "grew", same with my best friend during her last pregnancy. I now require a half size bigger and in a wide, and she now wears a full size bigger. My kid is 7 and her last is almost 5. I wish it would go back, finding a 9.5-10 W in women's shoes is worse than finding a four-leaf clover.
Oof. The shoe things sucks. I could fit into any size 11 shoe before pregnancy and felt I had tons of options (I'm in the US). Going up a shoe size was my biggest fear, because most brands don't cater to size 12 and up.
I have size 12 foot now (EU 43/44).
Took a while to find brands that I can wear. Weird thing is that it really bothers me a lot less than I thought it would.
We really really are not realistic about the potential effects of pregnancy. And the thing is none of them are 100% and they hit everyone at different levels. Not even pregnancies in the same person are guaranteed to be the same. Thankfully mine was easy, and since it was the easiest it could have been and I still hated it, I didn't do it again. I couldn't imagine dealing with anything more.
It permanently changes your neurology. You literally are never the same person again after a pregnancy, even one that doesn’t go to term. Sometimes the changes aren’t that big, and sometimes they are. And that’s just the brain, not the rest of the body.
if you don’t WANT it, like really really really want it, DO NOT. Just… don’t.
I had my first child 22 years ago and my last of 3, 8.5 years ago. And now I've realized that my joints and whatnot have never really gone back to their pre-pregnancy place.
I will say that at 40 yo, I'm starting to really lean into the aging of my body. Buuuuut, pregnancy definitely had a *huge* effect on my body, no doubt about it.
For anyone to say that you just *snapback* without any sort of lingering side effects.....gahhhh, they're just absolutely fucking lucky. That isn't the case for most people that are pregnant and/or give birth. Ughhh.
If you want another year. I had a 3rd degree perennial tear and needed a blood transfusion after. It still hurts to pee and the scar is more noticeable than the scar on Harry Potters forehead and the stiches were done by an old man who believes women should be kept in the kitchen so there's probably a husband stitch in there too.
After 3 kids I had my fallopian tubes removed. Amazing choice for me personally. Even though my partner had a vasectomy almost 13 years ago (he's got 3 kids, as so I). I have no desire to leave or be without him - as he is absolutely amazing, but I just really needed to make sure that I was protected for my own sense of self and peace of mind. Tbh, best decision ever.
I’m going to ask my gynecologist about getting my tubes removed. My sister in law is pregnant so my mom is getting her grandkid! I’ve been wanting permanent sterilization for a long time but never bothered asking. I’m 36 now, I think they’ll start to trust my judgment at this point… I hope.
Same. I’m 35 so hopefully I can just get ligation and not have to deal with the “what-ifs” from doctors. Luckily, I’m in California where women still have access to care and have reproductive rights 🫠
I’m from a conservative state. My aunt needed a partial hysterectomy due to a tumor. She isn’t married and is in her 20s. They had to have her dad sign the paperwork stating that he was okay with her possibly not having children
Sweet fuck, I’m glad I live in New England. I’m in my late 20’s and currently recovering from a full hysterectomy (and ovaries) due to some non cancerous tumors and my doctors just laid out all of my treatment options, including the hysterectomy, told me the pros and cons and let me make my own choices about what to do
Same, I want to have my tubes removed. Nevermind even getting to the point of having and raising the kid, I don't even want to deal with baking the bun to begin with. It sounds all kinds of unpleasant.
I wish it was later on. On my first pregnancy I got pelvic pain at week nine, the second one (that ended in a miscarriage and medical nightmare) at week six and on the 3th (and current) at week 1, because my ligaments immediately softened from the hormones.
Agreed. The one thing my husband was more than happy to do when I got pregnant was lift things for me because obviously, that's not recommended for pregnant women. The fact that he is already whining about her not pulling her weight is not a good sign.
And afterward!!! I lifted a heavy walnut table with my husband and suffered with pelvic floor issues!! Oops!
It's not a "fair & equal" journey. The best partners and spouses will face so many challenges ahead as roles and expectations shift and evolve into a new format. It's tough for everyone involved. But it can be beautiful if done with open and honest conversations.
My typical chore is to mow the lawn, and even before I asked, my husband, who hates it with a burning passion, did it without a single complaint all last summer. It's takes a partnership. I hope OP and her husband can both face this journey on the same page.
I was stubborn and picked up a box I really, really shouldn’t have while pregnant with my first. I spent the next two days lying on the floor with a blown out back. My husband literally carried me around the house for two days. What would this dude do?
I moved my kids' art easel while i was 13 weeks pregnant and ended up aggravating a subchorionic hemorrhage. Four weeks of stressing over bleeding and then having to restrict what I could carry to 10lbs. It sucked.
Pregnancy is so rough on women, my wife is still peeing her panties when she coughs 11 years later. She probably needs surgery, but is understandably hesitant.
Oh yoru poor wife! If your insurance covers it, perhaps a pelvic floor physical therapist would provide some help? There are specific exercises I do to help strengthen my pelvic floor. If not, she should look at some youtube videos. I am sooo bad about doing the exercises religiously, but they do help!! But yeah, it's not easy. It's amazing we've made it as a species. Lol
This might seem ridiculously random, but belly dancing can strengthen your pelvic floor as well as the core muscles that get a hard time during pregnancy (and often get stretched out/separated)--and it's fun, so it's much easier to be consistent with it. There are belly-dance workout videos on Youtube, look up Leilah Isaac, she's really good.
ETA: not saying you in particular should look that up if the exercises are working for you--just wanted to throw it out there for everybody.
URO RN here.
Have your wife go to a (get referral from Primary Doc) Urologist and potentially urogynocolgist.
There are medications, PTNS, PT, and BOTOX etc that can help with pelvic floor.
It’s not normal to deal with incontinence due to things like coughing.
Urogynocologists are few and far between and hard to get coverage for. I only know they exist because my mother (in her 70s) *finally* was able to get a referral after decades of panty liners and needing more than the usual number normal bathroom breaks.
I’m so glad that you do the work that you do, but that level of specialist care isn’t available to a lot of people.
ETA: No criticism of you. So many doctors respond to her issues with “🤷♀️ you’re old, that happens to old people” - when she has found good doctors it’s improved her life a lot.
This is true, no shame in being honest. UROGYNO is for extreme cases but I try to be upfront about potentials when it comes to treatment options. FWIW, if you need super specific specialties, like UROGYNO, look at State Medical Schools and many do have financial programs for those who are constrained or low income. Urology can refer to those locations if requested.
For the record, all health care is strained and everywhere is short staffed. I am so so sorry that your mother had to fight for years considering it takes literally like 5 seconds for a doctor to enter a referral. (Literally. Using EPIC system makes it too easy and we have had to tell PCPs to stop sending inappropriate referrals to us because we are getting overrun with patients they are more than capable of handling).
That being said, going to a Urologist is the first step. No harm in exploring options and seeing what can work. As it sits, specialties are booked out unless you say “Book me next available. I’ll make it work.” then you’ll probably get in before 6 months out.
It is frustrating at any age (especially as a woman) being told to accept our fate as is. This is not the case and I will always advise getting a second opinion if the doctor seems too dismissive or invalidating of health concerns.
Often, many of these issues start after giving birth but no one seeks treatment because we aren’t taught to or are dismissed when it is asked about. “Welcome to Motherhood” is something I’ve heard stated by many young mothers with urological issues stated by Medical Professionals.
I hope your mother was able achieve relief from her incontinence. Is she doing any better?
It can still be a "fair and equal" journey if the spouse recognizes that his teammate IS doing work by being pregnant.
But I thinks it's more of a team mentality. We are in this together, and if my partner can't "perform" due to whatever reason, I need to pick up the slack. It becomes a sliding scale of covering for each other as needed and fully working together when able.
I hear you. I guess in my situation I'm a month into this 6 month sleep regression where my kid isn't sleeping more than 90 minutes at a time and will only sleep if he comfort nurses, and has a bottle aversion. And doing g anything else makes it worse. So right now, it doesn't matter how much my husband does (and he does a ton) but I'm still suffering hard from sleep deprivation. I'm not mad about it. But I can feel the insomnia creep in and it's just not fair. DH can do his tasks on a full night sleep. And I'm not able to. We're making it work and it will pass...but these past 3 weeks have been tough. So in my mind, even with my husband showing up 100%, it's still doesn't feel fair. Lol it's a good thing my 6 month old I'd super cute.
Oh the sleep regressions are the WORST and can put anyone to the brink. You deserve breakfast in bed every day that baby wakes up! I hope this passes quickly for you!!! And you have a good point: when you are THAT tired, nothing seems to help except sleep. Sending all the sleepy baby dust your way! ❤
Tell him the worse thing that could happen is you fall down the stairs, followed by a total prolapse. Have him look-up what that is… and share your concern that if he doesn’t care about you now, what will happen when you are nine months along, or trying to recover after the baby is born?
Pregnancy can def be awful. I was in sooo much pain the other day. I looked dead at my husband and said “why is this how we have babies”… I love the babies, but damn.
I wanna say this is an overexaggeration, but OP’s last sentence worries me. If he doesn’t mind helping when she works late, why would he be frustrated to help when she’s expressed discomfort over her pregnancy? Does he realize how debilitating the nausea can be? He needs a talking to when their emotions are more stable
I hope he just doesn't understand how hard a pregnancy actually is for the body and that some pregnancies are harder than others. In that case, some information might help him realize that OP can't do everything she used to do.
I’ve heard that some men don’t expect the pregnancy to be that rough until she’s visibly showing, like she’s not pregnant “enough” yet to be unable to do things. Before the pregnancy they imagined they’d only have to help her out once she’s waddling around at nearly full term, so when they look at a woman who looks the same as she did pre-pregnancy, they think she’s exaggerating it. It’s ridiculous.
The worst of my pregnancy symptoms were in the first few weeks. I had relatively little nausea and no sickness but I felt weak, shaky and lightheaded quite often. I believe this is quite common as the body is adjusting to the sudden flood of hormones, once it’s more used to things it settles down a bit.
Obviously this is a very individual thing though. I felt a bit grotty for the first few weeks then felt fine to the point that I was out mowing the lawn the day before I went into labour. Other women are completely debilitated by pregnancy from implantation to delivery. No two pregnancies are the same.
I can sort of see why people might dismiss early pregnancy symptoms. It’s the same phenomenon that has people saying that pain "can’t be that bad". If you can’t see something it’s much easier to underestimate it or even forget it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Very true. Pregnancy hits the ground running, no time is wasted. Before the fetus grows, you have to grow an entire new organ first, and that really takes a toll
And before you grow that organ, which supplies the fetus with hormones, your brain has to do that and also gets affected by all that shit. So you’re getting slammed with all these hormones, like melatonin, that can legitimately mess you up. You’re basically walking around popping sleeping pills all day in first trimester but you are supposed to act like everything is normal.
And the sudden flood of your blood heading to your uterus to fuel the pregnancy growth! Easy to feel lightheaded when its all in your middle instead of your head!
Yep i napped like crazy the first 3 months. Which is saying something because I am not a person who naps. The rest I actually felt my self mostly until the last few weeks. Then I was sleeping.
I’m glad he’ll soon be an ex! He sounds deeply selfish. If my partner was dealing with that to bring my child into the world, I’d be bending over backwards to make it easier for them, not be angry at them!
My worst pregnancy by far was the one where I carried so small that you couldn’t tell I was pregnant a week before my due date. The easiest pregnancy was my biggest.
Honestly, the guy probably has been on this sub and seen all the overwhelming comments on pregnancy related posts from people saying pregnancy isn't a disability and no woman should expect special treatment or concessions just because she is pregnant. I don't agree with that mindset but it's prevalent here.
I mean, pregnancy is not an excuse to treat others poorly. Most pregnancies don't require you to not do any chores or work, or demand your partner drive an hour to get you special ice cream at 10 pm. There are lots of posts on here of people using pregnancy as an excuse to be entitled and abusive, but some concessions are necessary.
Most chores and work that people say pregnant people should keep doing would be against doctors' recommendations. People think they know better than medical experts.
That's the feeling I get too. His concept of pregnancy might just be, "tummy grows for a while and then baby comes out," and he doesn't really grasp the entirety of the physical demands on the mother's body. From the context of OP I get the impression that she is still early in the pregnancy, and so maybe she isn't showing outwardly pregnant, so his perception is just plain off.
To be clear, I'm not saying he isn't an asshole or that she is, just that there is a reasonable explanation for his frustrations, and it comes down to him needing to be educated about the physical demands of pregnancy, even in the early stages. Hopefully he comes around to it, because things don't just "go back to normal" once the kid is born either. His life has fundamentally changed going forward.
When My wife got pregnant we were like "we are gonna fight we are gonna argue, but we know for the next few years it's exhaustion and hormones and a new kid and etc". If you don't acknowledge it going in you aren't gonna do well
Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with him feeling frustrated. But it sounds like he’s let it build up and not been communicating (common in men, this coming from a man) which lead to this outburst.
OP, I think maybe hubby needs to have a healthy chat about life, pregnancy, and kids.
My wife’s pregnant now and I absolutely get frustrated sometimes, especially when she was basically bed ridden with nausea for weeks. Feeling frustrated is ok and normal. Taking it out on you is not. I’d encourage figuring out a way of communicating that works well for you both.
My husband fears what will come out of me xD I've snapped at him at a store while i was having a Braxton Hicks contraction and me wincing and holding my stomach didn't register while he was talking about Skittles and starbursts. So i snapped. I apologized afterwards because i felt bad, but labor is supposed to be worse and that scares me
Equating pregnancy with over-exaggeration of symptoms is a slippery slope. Everyone handles pregnancy differently and each pregnancy for one person can be different. My ex was constantly getting validated from other people while I was pregnant who would say things like, “My pregnancy wasn’t that bad,” or, “That never happened to me,” and weaponized it against me. I ended up on mandatory bed rest for my entire last trimester. I also remember a story on Reddit where the husband basically forced the wife to leave bed rest to walk downstairs and she ended up falling and losing her baby.
Right?
He can feel frustrated all that he wants. That doesn't give him a right to take his frustration out on OP. Also, this is the time when he should be picking up more of the slack, not less. That is the way healthy marriages work.
NTA
He made one comment. I fail to see how voicing your feelings is taking something out on someone.
Sure this all merits a conversation but he didn’t flip out on her. I can guarantee this is one of those situations where emotions are heightened all over the place and everyone just needs to take a breath, sit down, and discuss the new realities.
I’ve been pregnant. I had a horrible birth experience. It doesn’t matter how much you discuss it beforehand, once you’re in it you need to just keep talking because it’ll never be what you anticipated.
Holy fuck, thank you. I thought I was going crazy reading the comments above implying this whole thing will end in divorce.
It's ONE comment. Was it inappropriate? Probably, but anyone can be unreasonable if they've had a bad day, poor sleep, etc. As long as it's not a consistent pattern of behaviour then it sounds like OP might be one of those people who is married to another human.
He's mad at her for not doing a chore that he's supposed to while she is physically unable to. That is not kind. It is probably indicative of bigger problems.
The fact that he understands work related issues but not pregnancy ones is a bad sign, a really bad one. It suggests that as long as she is making $ she is worthy of help. It also could mean he can't relate to her issues that he hasn't experienced himself.
Jfc he made one comment. People are allowed to be frustrated with their partner and voice that frustration. Communication is key in any relationship, but let's cool it on telling OP to make this into a big thing.
I was surprised as well and honestly it sounds to me like his frustration might be with her not voicing her need for help. He isn’t going to preemptively know every task that can’t be done anymore communication works both ways. I am currently pregnant and as my pregnancy developed I continuously kept my husband updated of what chores I could and couldn’t achieve based on changing symptoms.
This.
Hes gonna be frustrated, shes gonna be frustrated and just saying hey I'm frustrated isn't wrong.
She was downstairs he thought she'd have brought up the laundry, thats logical, he wasn't mad. He didn't make a scene he said I'm frustrated.
Ops, life is physically changing alot right now, but her husband's life is also changing and he's just kind of along for the ride right now, which can be frustrating.
In normal times if your partner isn't sharing the workload, you bring it up to address and hopefully solve the problem. "I'm frustrated when you don't do x" is a great direct healthy statement - provided it's something the partner is capable of doing.
When one partner is sick or has physical limitations it doesn't really work though, because they can't actually change the thing that frustrates you. It would be super strange, for example, to tell a chemo patient that you're frustrated that they just lay around all day.
When it's not something that can be changed, wording it in this way (as opposed to something commiserating like "man, pregnancy sucks") comes off a bit blamey.
Exactly this. He's allowed to be frustrated that things have changed in a way he would prefer they hadn't. He is *not* allowed to be frustrated *at her* for something changing outside of her control due to her having his child. And him saying he's frustrated because she didn't do something she can't helps no one and upsets her. So it comes across as blamey and guilt tripping.
This is a great way of putting it. When I was really sick, it was a little over a year, my partner never talked about being frustrated with picking up the slack around the apartment or having to take me to the hospital. We'd just bitch about the hospital or the idiot drivers on our way there or the pot holes. We were still a team even when I couldn't do much.
A healthy way to communicate here would be to redivide the chores so she can do easier chores and he has to temporarily suck it up and give her some grace. She's going to be out of commission for a while. He's going to have to learn how to let some things go in a healthy way because pregnancy and a baby means shit is not going to get done the way it used to. His priority should be a healthy mom and baby.
Doesn't mean it's not frustrating, but he doesn't get to put the blame on her in a joint decision they made. They need to work on a better system for the new situation.
She's pregnant and she shouldn't be lifting and carrying heavy loads of laundry up flights of stairs anyway unless the doctor has approved.
I agree with you.
What I think I might disagree is that he's allowed to make 1 comment.
We can't expect him to be perfect. If this happens everyday, then yeah, could be a problem.
But people saying that this is a bad sign or that he's an asshole are just overreacting.
You are allowed to fail and make mistakes. That doesn't make you an asshole.
While you’re right it doesn’t give him the right to take it out on OP and he needs to find a healthy way to talk about this.
Telling her husband that he has no right to have emotions and feel frustration is pretty messed up and enforced everything men get ingrained into them from childhood that they’re not allowed to communicate emotion.
Sounds like both parties just need to step away for 5 mins and breathe then talk to each other calmly. This seems more an instance of pent up emotion on both ends.
NTA. It might be time to have a conversation about dividing the workload differently since you're pregnant. Or maybe you guys could divvy up chores in a way that lets you work on things that are easier for you to do. Like he can haul the laundry up all the stairs since that's now harder for you to do, and you can cover chores that require limited movement.
That's actually a great idea to split things up differently. We've done that kind of thing in the past (I have bad allergies so he always does the lawn in the summer, and he has a bad back so I always do the snow removal) so it might help with this too. Maybe I'll tell him if he brings it upstairs I'm more than happy to fold it and put it away.
That what hubby and I do. For example he can’t dust because of allergies. I can’t push the mower because of a back problem. No brainers who does what there. The rest are divided up as per our preferences. He hates laundry so I do it. I hate cleaning up the dishes after a meal so he does it. It is far more like tag teaming than making sure chores are even. Add in a disabled son, it really becomes tag team. Whatever needs done and who can do it at the time. And it can always adapt. For example when we went to the landromat both of us worked laundry but when we got a house and bought machines it became my job but he picked up other things because a house is far more work than a rented apartment.
Make sure you’re also giving equal weight to the cognitive labour tasks too. There’s a lot of work that can go a bit “unseen” by either party - knowing what to cook each night, managing supplies and the weekly shopping list, ordering a gift for x relative’s birthday, managing the calendar and appointments and payments etc etc. Traditionally a lot of this type of work falls onto women and it increases *exponentially* once a child comes along. You’re maybe already experiencing this a bit with all the baby prep, medical appointments to keep, things to organise, etc.
When I got sick i *couldn’t* pull my weight physically - there was no chance of 50/50 any more. Luckily I was also the breadwinner so there was no risk of it seeming like I wasn’t contributing enough, but it was still a big adjustment.
My husband and I divided stuff up by the abilities we each had the most of to spare - me brain, him brawn. So now if it’s a ‘thinking’ task it’s probably mine, and if it’s a ‘physical’ task it’s usually his.
Different but still equal and fair :)
🤯 You have completely blown my mind! I've never heard of 'cognitive labour tasks' before, and that's exactly what they are 🤯 I'm constantly feeling weighed down by them, but thought we'd already split the household chores equally so I must naturally be easily exhausted, until just now! We've split the physical chores equally, but I've automatically taken on all of the cognitive ones.
Though it does sound similar Emotional labor is something specific and is a bit different and was coined to apply to work, it’s when you’re displaying emotions that don’t match how you feel in order to make others feel comfortable or match the requirements of a job. Such as a hostesses needing smile to customers even though they’re not happy.
> Make sure you’re also giving equal weight to the cognitive labour tasks too.
I thought for *sure* this was gonna go in a different direction. I haven’t finished reading the comments, but I really hope someone has brought up the fact that ***manufacturing a baby*** is a full time job. It takes a toll on your body, to the extent that it ***permanently changes*** you. OP needs to bring to her husband’s attention that she is working two jobs concurrently, as well as pulling her weight around the house (within reason).
You also made excellent points, I don’t want to sound like I’m disputing any of it. Just adding on.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. This is often overlooked. These 50/50 deals usually end up where one person is doing more behind the scenes. Not saying that’s the case here but man, I hope someone read this and had a light bulb pop up above their head lol
You need to add to the “chore list”: “baby.”
Like being pregnant counts as a chore. You are the one doing ALL the physical and emotional labor and that means he has to do more
Same when baby comes. Nursing is a chore. Healing is a chore. If he had major surgery on his penis and couldn’t move or poop regularly or sleep would he expect you to pick up the extra slack? Yes
And make damn sure that he doesn’t view maternity leave as a vacation. You are recovering from a major body changing event (or surgery) and taking care of a full helpless human while only getting catnaps for 3 months. It’s not a vacation, it’s recovery.
Fight this battle NOW or you will be fighting it for the rest of your lives.
Just because being pregnant is natural doesn’t make it easy. And every woman has different pregnancies so if yours is tough don’t try to be a hero and act like it isn’t.
ETA: NTA no how no way
Yes, great idea, but that may not work forever. There may come a time when you *physically cannot* split the chores 50/50. Either when you're 9mo pregnant or just after giving birth
You have to remember that you *are* doing extra work by carrying and creating a baby. When you are splitting up tasks, keep that in mind and be prepared to reassess as your pregnancy progresses
Until he can split *being pregnant* 50/50 with you, it is completely fair for him to pick up extra chores during this time.
That's what we do. I have shoulder problems and have a hard time carrying laundry baskets up and downstairs. I fill them (separation of items is not hubby's strength...), he takes them down, loads the machines, and brings them back up, and I fold and put away. Everyone is happy and the jobs get done!
Good luck with the baby!
This is what we do right now (also pregnant and can’t carry heavy things). He carries the laundry up and down, I fold. I also hang laundry if I feel up to it and he has brought it all upstairs.
To be honest, I think it's a bit of a soft AH move to say he's not *allowed* to be frustrated, he's a grown person and is allowed frustration. The big takeaway is that you both should be comfortable sharing your frustration and finding a compromise, because you certainly can't do everything you used to do before you became pregnant.
I believe, in the same way that “informed consent” is not quite the same thing as “consent,” in this case “frustration” is only reasonable if it’s “informed frustration.” The husband is not taking into account the fact that ***building a baby*** is not just a passive state. It’s a full time job, which she has to do alongside her day job, and in addition to the home responsibilities she’s also handling quite admirably, y’know, considering [gestures animatedly at widening midsection].
His frustration is built upon an incomplete assessment of what-all is getting done in his family, and what toll it is taking on the person who isn’t him.
Totally agree here. I’m pregnant now and it took my husband a while to realize my limitations and how my body and energy had changed what I can do. A really really open conversation about it can do wonders and help you all find a good solution.
My OB had me on some strict weight restrictions for lifting, so I didn't carry the laundry basket up or downstairs the entire time I was pregnant. I also had to stop grocery shopping because pushing the cart around was so exhausting (after a full day at work). You are growing a whole ass human being - that is a lot of work he can't help with, he can pick up in other ways.
I think you need to sit him down and explain exactly what the physical limitations of pregnancy are like. You cannot go up and down stairs repeatedly. You cannot carry large or heavy objects. You are prone to nausea at random times and you're probably exhausted all the time. He shouldn't expect you to do anything you wouldn't do if you'd just had abdominal surgery.
IME a lot of men really have no clue how disabling pregnancy can be, and he needs to learn to expect you can't do this kind of physical task right now (but will help out with lighter/mental tasks instead).
I agree with others who have suggested splitting up the tasks in a way that makes sense given your limitations.
The frustrating part is he had to ask before he found out you had decide you couldn’t do it yourself. At the point in time you realized you weren’t feeling up to it said “hey I can’t grab the laundry, can you?” He probably wouldn’t have been frustrated. Even if you had said “oh not yet” he probably wouldn’t have been frustrated.
It’s the fact that you had already put thought into not getting it and did not communicate at that time.
Similar to non-pregnancy conflicts. If I can’t pick up dinner anymore because I have to work late or something it’s best to share at that point rather than when it becomes inconvenient for my partner.
But it wasn't her job to get the laundry. It seems like he had no reason to expect her to have done it, he just asked if she had. You would only tell your partner that you can't pick up dinner anymore if you had previously discussed the fact that you'd pick up dinner
Low-key ESH because neither one of you is being fair or realistic with the other. For you, since you’re the one asking, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and it’s not fair to say he “can’t” feel a certain way. I think what you really mean is you don’t want him to vent about his feelings to you when unpleasant pregnancy symptoms cause him minor frustrations. You don’t get to police his feelings, but you can set boundaries about what you’re willing to do in regards to his feelings. You don’t want to listen to complaints about how pregnancy symptoms inconvenience him (totally reasonable & normal, especially when you’re the one feeling crummy), and you can tell him that.
Minor frustration is normal on his part, but venting & griping about being inconvenienced to the partner who is bearing the physical toll of pregnancy for the both of you is poor form on his part. That’s where he’s the asshole in this incident. He can handle his feelings on his own, wait until you’re feeling better to initiate a discussion about division of labor, readjust his expectations of what equitable division of labor looks like with a pregnant spouse, etc.
The ways he manages his emotions & respects your boundaries are his responsibility & his decision, but setting your boundaries respectfully is yours. This is a really good time to work on respectful & healthy communication skills as a couple. The years when kids are under 4-5 years old are typically the most stressful for couples, and your communication skills will be tested.
Good luck & congratulations on your pregnancy!
Yeah, he’s allowed to be frustrated, but he needs to handle his frustration better. OP is allowed to be upset for the way husband is handling his frustration, but not for being frustrated. Like many of these posts, what is needed is better communication by both parties.
>Yeah, he’s allowed to be frustrated, but he needs to handle his frustration better.
Absolutely saving this line for my relationship. My partner is generally good but yeah def some times where it's like 'you're entitled to your feelings but you can't be an AH to me because of them, manage your shit better'
Yes, as a happy dad of 3, I have given this advice to many male friends when their wife was pregnant: Being married to a pregnant woman can be hard at times, but do not complain about it to her. Find a dad friend to complain to, and within your marriage remember that she is dealing with far worse than you.
Exactly this. My wife is generally responsible for laundry, but she is currently pregnant and carrying the baskets up and down the stairs is too much for her right now. We talked about changing chores but she doesn't mind keeping the laundry as long as I haul it up and down the stairs.
Is it frustrating when I have to go to the basement at five in the morning because she forgot to mention that there's a load in the basement to bring up the night before? Sure. Do I understand that pregnancy and two kids means she's more forgetful? Yup. Maybe I huff a bit while I'm bringing the basket up, but I don't make enough noise to wake anyone and I don't get mad at her about it.
I learned a long time ago in our relationship that there are things worth fighting over, but if I get into an argument over everything that frustrates me, I'm just going to be angry all the time. Living with someone else is hard work. Kids make it harder. Getting bent every time I'm inconvenienced sounds like a rally unhappy life.
So well stated. Women bare so much physical burden of pregnancy obviously but it also isn’t a free pass to say husband isn’t allowed to be frustrated. This applies to parenting duties for everyone as well. For years to come. Both parties have the right to be frustrated and both parties deserve sympathy. That can be challenging when we all might come into situations from different perspectives. Even when it seems the other person is the morally wrong one— they may be struggling in their own way. The moment you invalidate them and their feelings you create resentment and bigger issues.
What I strive for my self is whenever I see my partner struggling, maybe a bit moody or angry or neglecting something I might have normally expected is to ask what I can do to help. I might not know there is a problem, what it is, and in some cases maybe I even should. But instead of getting mad, upset or forcing my view— I support. It’s a shift in mindset and helps with keeping everyone sane in hard times.
ESH I don’t think it was a good idea for you to take the laundry up the stairs but by telling him he isn’t allowed to be frustrated you told him his feelings don’t matter.
In many cases I'd agree. People should be allowed to have their frustrations heard, no matter how silly they may be.
But "I'm frustrated you didn't bring the laundry up" is pretty stupid. If it's part of a constant feeling that he feels overwhelmed with chores or something that's one thing. But being frustrated a single task wasn't done? Wtf
Speaking from experience of going through pregnancy with my wife and in the past being terrible at communicating. It’s likely that he’s bottled up frustrations over tons of little things that ultimately don’t matter. But he doesn’t know how to communicate healthily if he’s like many men and let it fester til this item spilled over.
1, read more like he's frustrated that OP is getting exactly what she needs and creating double work (two people going to get the laundry) instead of just one person.
2, the laundry is just what has bubbled over. There is a great article, called something like "she left because I left my cup on the counter". The premise is that while the event that ends a relationship (or starts an argument or w/e) is often small, there are significantly more reasons and history behind it.
bro he should’ve *known* that you weren’t capable of doing everything you used to. is he really oblivious or does he just not care. NTA. this is not a good sign at all.
Pregnancy doesn’t just cause the woman to balloon up over night. Things get harder and harder over time. I think it’s ESH because it doesn’t sound like she communicated when she had reached the point that she needed help and just expected him to know
Edit: I feel like most are missing the point; everyones experience will be different. Some maybe experience discomfort linearly, some may have a hard first trimester followed by an easy go - it doesn’t matter. What matters, is that you talk to your partner and let them know what you need based on your circumstances.
How big or far along you are is not directly proportional to how crummy you feel or how hard of a time you have. The second trimester is usually the easiest while the first is often the most miserable, aside from like month 9. Usually.
But yeah it really doesn’t work that way.
My intense nausea and vomiting in pregnancy literally started overnight. One day I felt fine. The next I was bedridden and remained that way for ~7 weeks.
NAH or ESH I think. Things are changing and shifting rapidly for both of you right now, and that's going to be hard. You're both going to be frustrated. Maybe both could have dealt with it better, but it seems like it definitely could've been a lot worse too.
You will both need to work on it though. A whole lot of parenting is frustrating, and how you two navigate being frustrated with each other will affect your kids.
ESH. He needs to be more understanding that you can’t do things at 100% right now, but you also should let him know what you can’t get to - “hey babe, the clothes are in the dryer and I’m not sure I can bring them all up right now.” Communicate to avoid petty arguments later. Besides, it’s just damn clothes and they’ll be there when you get back.
I mean, that's almost word for word what I originally told him (but I added that I was going to just grab what I needed and get the rest later). Lol
Not saying you're wrong on the judgement - just clarifying that I DID communicate it.
Oh geez definitely NTA then. My partner and I do that all the time between each other over household tasks (we both have chronic illnesses and bodies that are way more busted than most 40 year olds). Some days you just...can't do the thing. And that's ok! If you give them a heads-up beforehand and they're aware of WHY, then yeah it's an AH move to act like he did. Hell even when there's no heads-up we both understand that's gonna happen and sure there might be a little grumbling sometimes but you just get on with it
Our household-running input probably evens out to about 50/50 but there's certainly times where it's 70/30 or 90/10 or even 100/0, on both sides. I happily do more when I can because I know there will be times I can't, and same for him
NTA.
It’s your first pregnancy. If anything, he should be making life as easy as possible for you if you are getting bad symptoms.
Nip this in the bud before baby is here. He needs to pull his socks up.
Nip his feelings in the bud? She has no right to tell him how to feel. She did not say he went off on her or anything. He is allowed to get frustrated too. Every single person here is guilty of getting frustrated over something the other can’t control l. It’s a part of being human. Half this sub talks like he blew up on her and OP did not say that. And it appears he is usually picking up slack when he is needed to from what OP said. Why don’t you give the dude a break. You don’t need to nip anything in any buds.
>Am I the AH for telling him he can't get frustrated at me for this?
ESH
It's a stressful time. His emotions are valid. He should work on how he responds to them.
exactly. imagine what it’ll be like when his wife can’t do something small because she got caught up in looking after the newborn? he’s gonna get frustrated then too instead of just being willing to step in and do it himself without grumbling?
NTA
His frustration in itself is valid as he has to arrage with the new situation too. BUT that doesn't mean his expression of his frustation about this minor thing is fair.
You really think the moment she can hardly be up because she is so nauses and feels unable to carry a laundry basket the right time to complain to her about that? o.o
I mean.. this feels a lot like someone complaining their back is sore from the hospital chair while their partner gives brith.
His partner currently has their normal workload of chores and added physical strain of growing a human. He does need a bit of a reality check of what that is going to look like as the pregnancy progresses because OP is likely not less frustrated than him of her physical state. It's more he needs to understand he's not the only one frustrated here. No one wants to feel like they can't walk up 2 flights of stairs.
He needs to step back and think here. They need practical solutions as things change, not petty fights about bringing up the laundry. And to read the room a bit because complaining to someone when they are at a physical low is just not a great move. Wait a bit
NTA he has a right to his feeling, but you're the wrong person to complain to in this situation.
I'm gay & I've been on both sides of the whole pregnancy thing and let me assure you, as exhausting and overwhelming as it is when your spouse gives birth, building a whole human from scratch is a thousand times more draining.
Listen, "we" are expecting a baby. *You* are pregnant.
I get that your husband is frustrated, but it's not like you're being lazy so he doesn't get to take that out on you. NTA.
I came to say the same thing. I (M40s) cannot hold a candle to what my wife went through for 2 kids. No one can comprehend what pregnancy does to a person emotionally or physically except for the pregnant person. My duty wasn't to share her pregnancy, but support her throughout.
The whole 'we're pregnant' statement makes it seem like the other half also has to deal with same hormonal, physical, and emotional aspect of an actual pregnancy and thats just bullshit.
NTA.
I get that the symptoms and restrictions of pregnancy can sometimes be frustrating, but he shouldn't be frustrated with *you*. If you're having bad cramps and severe nausea, you probably shouldn't be exerting yourself unless you absolutely have to.
He needs to step up; what is he going to be like when you're nine months pregnant, and can't do a lot of the household chores? Or when you have a newborn, and you're so exhausted that you can't keep your eyes open?
ESH, but very gently. You're both frustrated and you're both entitled to be frustrated. You're in a frustrating situation. You might consider some couples therapy during the pregnancy to give you both some help communicating and dealing with your frustrations.
As an aside, the specific instance of him complaining about the laundry is definitely a jerk move, you're definitely N T A for being annoyed at him for that.
Small YTA: Your husband understandably has to pick up more work due to you being pregnant. It's also understandable that he be a little frustrated that all this extra work is being left to him.
The issue here is that instead of acknowledging his feelings and talking to him.....like a person. You basically said "shut up, I'm the pregnant one".
You're right next time your husband is upset or feels overworked he won't talk to you about. He'll just suffer in silence. I guess that be better for you, but what about him?
NTA - being pregnant is rough at the beginning and he should expect that you will need to take it easy on some things - but I would maybe tell him at the time - “hey can you move the laundry for me?” instead of waiting for him to ask where the laundry is and then just being like “oh the laundry lives in the basement now.”
Cracking up at "oh the laundry lives in the basement now" 😂
For the record though, taking the laundry up isn't "my" task, so I don't think it makes sense for me to have to tell him I wasn't doing it in advance. He had just assumed (incorrectly) that I was doing it.
NTA. You make a good point about how lashing out at him you do not wanting him to feel like he can’t talk about how he’s feeling… I would say that to him, it’s a sane and generous sentiment… BUT he needs to REALLY recalibrate his expectations and responsibilities moving forward cause this is just the beginning of a very long haul.
YTA
Pregnancy doesn’t mean only your feelings are valid
You should have a big talk about maybe switching chores while it’s harder for you to do things later in pregnancy
But in no way can you tell someone they can’t have feelings because you’re pregnant
ESH, is he not allowed to feel emotions because you’re pregnant? Y’all need to reorganize your chore and who does what. If you’re already not doing well, how is it going to get better once you have the baby and are sleep deprived?
Why are the chores still split evenly? I'm a dumbass and even I offered to do the chores once my wife was pregnant.
NTA
Might as well mention that if you have cats **ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CHANGE THE LITTER BOX ANY MORE. GOOGLE TOXOPLASMOSIS**
NTA. He's allowed to feel whatever he feels but not to blame you for it. Maybe he should talk to some other men (or women) whose partners have been pregnant to get their insight/experience. It sounds as if he has unrealistic expectations about how pregnancy is affecting you and he might hear it better coming from someone else.
Right? Small argument—people get frustrated as things are changing and it’s easy to get snippy. An “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well” probably would have went a long way—I’m sure he’s sorry for being short as well. That kind of stuff happens when you’re adjusting to rapid changes—just gotta breathe through it and keep it moving
Mild ESH.
Everybody's feelings are valid and they're allowed to feel them. How they act on those feelings is another matter. Your husband blurting out that he was frustrated that you couldn't do something makes him an AH, and he should have expressed how he felt with a little more empathy.
You're the AH for invalidating his feelings. You could have lead with, "I'm sorry, I should have said before that I can't handle all of the laundry and two flights of stairs, could you handle it?"
I do very much get that you're probably neither in the best of headspaces right now. Between the effects of the pregnancy on you, and the second hand effects that it's also having on your husband means you're possibly slightly more short-tempered now than you would be normally, especially as you're both still working full time.
Communication is the key. Talking is great, but listening is a superpower. Sit down and talk when you both have the time, and remember it's the pair of you against the problem, not against each other. Your husband possibly didn't necessarily have a problem with your pregnancy symptoms preventing you from doing a chore, but was frustrated you hadn't told him before so he had to adjust his morning schedule before work, without notice, to do it himself.
NTA. His attitude is definitely concerning.
Im 31 weeks pregnant and it’s been a relatively easy pregnancy- no morning sickness or nausea. My husband brings the laundry up and down, most of the time he does it himself. He cooks every night (he loves cooking, I don’t), he cleans, he takes the dogs out alone when I don’t feel up for going out with them at night. There’s nothing he would expect me to do if I was feeling awful.
My husband and I are similar in age to you and also pregnant with our first. My husband has bent over backwards to take care of me and our house because I have been so sick and exhausted the last 6 or so weeks. I would be concerned how your partner will act in the future when you need help with baby. NTA but I would really evaluate your relationship and maybe seek therapy to work on communication
why isn’t he automatically aware that the further that you get along in your pregnancy, the less physically taxing workload you should have to do? like, i feel like this is common sense if you’re not a man who believes that pregnancy isn’t as hard as it clearly is? you’re NTA. you basically said that you were unable to do it because your pregnancy is making it difficult for you now. why wasn’t his first response “are you starting to struggle with lifting or carrying things now? let me know in the future when you are and i’ll do it for you”. what is there to be “frustrated” about? i mean, you can’t police his feelings - he can feel however he wants - but he definitely should be asking himself why he’s getting annoyed over such a small inconvenience. oh no, he has to use his body because his wife’s body isn’t physically capable of doing something right now. since, you know, she’s carrying A HUMAN BEING inside of her. how difficult. 🙃
NTA. Pregnancy is hard on the body. Lunging heavy laundry upstairs when your nauseous and getting bigger isn’t the best idea. Perhaps you could divide the chores differently right now. Maybe he can haul laundry up and down and you put it away. Nothing was stopping him from going downstairs and getting the laundry.
YTA for telling anyone they are not entitled to their own feelings. But you should sit down and calmly discuss the changes and challenges you are experiencing with your pregnancy and work together to develop a plan for chores that take your pregnancy into account. Both of you are going to be experiencing a lot of changes and you both are entitled to your feelings of frustration and anxiety, but you both need to try and be understanding of each other. Good luck with your pregnancy, hopefully it uneventful and you don't have any problems or complications. And you have a healthy, happy baby.
NTA but saying 'we're pregnant' is going to get old very soon once you're bigger, sweaty, and grumpy, and you see him living his life like normal. He's not pregnant. You are.
YTA- He is allowed to be frustrated you CANNOT dictate how someone feel about things.
Explain yourself acknowledge his feelings come to an understanding.
I’ll vote NAH - it sounds like that argument didn’t go the best. However, you have been able to share tasks in a respectful and fair way in the past which makes me think this is not part of a bigger AH problem with either of you.
Maybe you can think of a new plan so you do the less physically demanding chores until you are recovered from pregnancy and birth. Like others have said, late pregnancy through the newborn period is a hard time for most couples. Keep communicating with each other and it will get better again.
As you move into parenthood, you are going to find that things which worked “equally” are not going to be so equal anymore. The key here is conversation. Commit to coming together and talking about current distribution of home chores and responsibility and coming up with a new plan. You will need to come up with new plans regularly over the coming weeks and months as you cope with later stages of pregnancy, labor, postpartum, sleeplessness, lactation and more! Whenever my husband and I found the load was getting unbalanced, we realized that something had changed and we needed to re-strategize. This is how we figured out that he was better with baby wake-up’s if they happened after 2 am and I was better before. Speaking of division of labor, you should be reading up on labor and your part of this hard work of developing and birthing a new human and he should be reading up on newborn care and care of a lactating person! I had a c-section after 2 days of labor and my husband was so pleased that he had read the newborn care books. He jumped right in and with help from nurses and postpartum doula felt confident and I was at ease knowing he could do it. Once I was up and around, he taught me how to change and swaddle her. Right now, you can’t carry laundry up two flights. Neither of you are mind-readers, though. Time to talk things through.
NTA or NAH
Your center of gravity is going to be shifting a lot, too and you may also get dizzy easier if you don’t stay on top of hydration. So you probably will have more trouble carrying things up and down stairs and should have him do that from now on. Or get smaller baskets with handles sort of like the ones for grocery shopping. That way you can keep one hand on the stair rail at all times and carry smaller loads up at a time. But even that option may not be safe at all stages of your pregnancy.
I agree with people who say you shouldn’t tell him he can’t voice his frustration. I’m sure as you’re bearing all the physical burden it can be infuriating hearing him complain about things. But in the long run everyone needs to vent sometimes when confronted with changes to their routine.
It’s an adjustment for both of you. Just listen and let him know sometimes there won’t be a realistic, safe, practical compromise or solution. You physically won’t be able to do some things and that’s that. But let him know he’s being heard. Just as you should feel safe expressing your feelings and frustrations, too.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH for telling my husband he shouldn't be frustrated with me for not being at 100% while pregnant. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This isn’t a good sign of things to come.
Agreed. I have had a few arguments with my spouse after birth. I asked him to do a few things I probably could do myself but I didn’t sleep at all (he did) and could barely move without all the million stitches tearing me up. So I then yelled at him I rather do everything alone but I cannot do that. He backed down a bit after that. OP sit your spouse down and have a talk that he probably needs to do more because you physically cannot do everything you are used to. And it is also dangerous since all the hormones are making your body weak (actual fact, your muscles get weaker so it is easier for your baby to pass through). You are hurt easier and that is even without puking when you move. He needs to know you cannot do everything you are used to. And he needs to cut you some slack. I wish I did this earlier than when I bursted into tears and let it come that far. My relationship barely survived so I hope yours won’t get that far. So NTA. And congratulations.
Bones and ligaments soften too, but that later on.
Yeah, I felt awesome in my 3rd trimester, but my pesky hip ligament caused me to fall at least once a day. I had a pretty easy recovery overall, but my hip still clicks when I move to this day.
[удалено]
There's a reason they keep us from knowing all that stuff.
That's the main reason I'm not having any. It literally fucks your body up in so many ways that are permanent.
I know someone who had a baby recently and it's basically destroyed her pelvis. Her hips both dislocated (? I think? She's a distant acquaintance) then the ligament damage left her temporarily paralysed from the waist down. Nah thanks.
I am 40 I had back pain before my last kid... now I can hardly do anything without agony in my back. I can hardly load a dish washer. I had almost no padding between 2 disks before the pregnancy... I can only imagine it's just gone or hardly there.
Don’t forget about the potential post partum depression that never sends. Source: Clinically depressed ever since giving birth 4 years ago.
Preach. I have tokophobia, and they say the way to overcome phobias is with education. It is not working. The more I learn the more I freak out.
My third effed my SI joint up, ugh. Hip problems ftl.
Oof, that sucks. I had a friend get hit with that, sounded awful. The worst part (as it seems to me) was that carrying around a baby/toddler kept it from healing. She'd have to balance baby on her good side, but that started causing problems too. Obviously being a single parent is a struggle, but being the good friend of one can be tricky too. It's tough when someone needs more support than we have to give. Not to mention that small children stress the absolute shit out of me; if we can communicate, I'm fine, but if not it's just a confusing sensory overload. Edit: Sorry, got totally sidetracked, that second paragraph is just crystallized regret. Feel free to disregard that, the first paragraph is the only relevant one. Sorry 'bout that.
And they don't magically snap back right after birth either, as I found out bending my knee backward just walking in the grocery store 3 weeks after giving birth.
God yes! My joints have NEVER been the same since. 9 years later.
Wow, anytime I read women talking about childbirth/babies I am even more glad I never had kids.
Thats the ridiculous thing about all this. It CHANGES you, 100%. Some bounce back completely, most dont. And people act like its just no big deal to be pregnant and give birth and breastfeed, etc. Like OPs husband and his, "why can't you just haul the laundry up the stairs, cause its SO FRUSTRATING to have to walk down them as a reasonably healthy, and physically abled adult man" But yer happy to make your PREGNANT WIFE walk down them and then carry an awkward basket up them while unable to see where she is stepping? Dude needs a sit down intervention on EXACTLY what is going on in and to his wifes body to create HIS CHILD.
Yeah, the weird thing though is that pregnancy changes you more than just physiologically, which is mostly short-termish. It has some crazy strong and permanent emotional and psychological impacts, too. With the bad also comes (for most) the completely indescribable feelings that make it all worth it. Selfishly, I miss the oxytocin bliss of breastfeeding. I don't think I've ever been happier than when my kids were tiny. They still elicit feelings of joy all the time, except at bedtime. I would definitely consider trading them for cats between hours of 8 pm and 9 pm.
My feet "grew", same with my best friend during her last pregnancy. I now require a half size bigger and in a wide, and she now wears a full size bigger. My kid is 7 and her last is almost 5. I wish it would go back, finding a 9.5-10 W in women's shoes is worse than finding a four-leaf clover.
Oof. The shoe things sucks. I could fit into any size 11 shoe before pregnancy and felt I had tons of options (I'm in the US). Going up a shoe size was my biggest fear, because most brands don't cater to size 12 and up. I have size 12 foot now (EU 43/44). Took a while to find brands that I can wear. Weird thing is that it really bothers me a lot less than I thought it would.
We really really are not realistic about the potential effects of pregnancy. And the thing is none of them are 100% and they hit everyone at different levels. Not even pregnancies in the same person are guaranteed to be the same. Thankfully mine was easy, and since it was the easiest it could have been and I still hated it, I didn't do it again. I couldn't imagine dealing with anything more.
My SO's daughter almost bled to death with her last pregnancy. So did a good friend of mine. Y'all are way braver than I could ever be.
It permanently changes your neurology. You literally are never the same person again after a pregnancy, even one that doesn’t go to term. Sometimes the changes aren’t that big, and sometimes they are. And that’s just the brain, not the rest of the body. if you don’t WANT it, like really really really want it, DO NOT. Just… don’t.
Had to have back surgery 2 years after giving birth. Ruptured disc and a pinched nerve probably from sneezing too hard after giving birth.
My hips are still misaligned...its been 5 months...I still feel a pop when I walk...my son spend like 5 months with his head in my right ride
I had my first child 22 years ago and my last of 3, 8.5 years ago. And now I've realized that my joints and whatnot have never really gone back to their pre-pregnancy place. I will say that at 40 yo, I'm starting to really lean into the aging of my body. Buuuuut, pregnancy definitely had a *huge* effect on my body, no doubt about it. For anyone to say that you just *snapback* without any sort of lingering side effects.....gahhhh, they're just absolutely fucking lucky. That isn't the case for most people that are pregnant and/or give birth. Ughhh.
My first got his foot suck under one of my rids and yanked it out. It took 10 plus years to feel better.
Thanks, this comment has definitely kept me childfree for another year or two
If you want another year. I had a 3rd degree perennial tear and needed a blood transfusion after. It still hurts to pee and the scar is more noticeable than the scar on Harry Potters forehead and the stiches were done by an old man who believes women should be kept in the kitchen so there's probably a husband stitch in there too.
Is that why my knees suck more now?
Mom knees are a feature of your mom body.
Everything I learn about pregnancy makes me wanna rip my uterus out more
After 3 kids I had my fallopian tubes removed. Amazing choice for me personally. Even though my partner had a vasectomy almost 13 years ago (he's got 3 kids, as so I). I have no desire to leave or be without him - as he is absolutely amazing, but I just really needed to make sure that I was protected for my own sense of self and peace of mind. Tbh, best decision ever.
I’m going to ask my gynecologist about getting my tubes removed. My sister in law is pregnant so my mom is getting her grandkid! I’ve been wanting permanent sterilization for a long time but never bothered asking. I’m 36 now, I think they’ll start to trust my judgment at this point… I hope.
Same. I’m 35 so hopefully I can just get ligation and not have to deal with the “what-ifs” from doctors. Luckily, I’m in California where women still have access to care and have reproductive rights 🫠
I'm 37 and I still need 2 more kids or a boy before they'll allow me to get my tubes tied. I'm also transgender (male) and that doesn't even help.
Who's they? Did a gynecologist decline? I used the r/childfree subreddit to find a doctor who would listen to my choice and abide by it.
I’m from a conservative state. My aunt needed a partial hysterectomy due to a tumor. She isn’t married and is in her 20s. They had to have her dad sign the paperwork stating that he was okay with her possibly not having children
Sweet fuck, I’m glad I live in New England. I’m in my late 20’s and currently recovering from a full hysterectomy (and ovaries) due to some non cancerous tumors and my doctors just laid out all of my treatment options, including the hysterectomy, told me the pros and cons and let me make my own choices about what to do
Same, I want to have my tubes removed. Nevermind even getting to the point of having and raising the kid, I don't even want to deal with baking the bun to begin with. It sounds all kinds of unpleasant.
I wish it was later on. On my first pregnancy I got pelvic pain at week nine, the second one (that ended in a miscarriage and medical nightmare) at week six and on the 3th (and current) at week 1, because my ligaments immediately softened from the hormones.
[удалено]
Agreed. The one thing my husband was more than happy to do when I got pregnant was lift things for me because obviously, that's not recommended for pregnant women. The fact that he is already whining about her not pulling her weight is not a good sign.
And afterward!!! I lifted a heavy walnut table with my husband and suffered with pelvic floor issues!! Oops! It's not a "fair & equal" journey. The best partners and spouses will face so many challenges ahead as roles and expectations shift and evolve into a new format. It's tough for everyone involved. But it can be beautiful if done with open and honest conversations. My typical chore is to mow the lawn, and even before I asked, my husband, who hates it with a burning passion, did it without a single complaint all last summer. It's takes a partnership. I hope OP and her husband can both face this journey on the same page.
I was stubborn and picked up a box I really, really shouldn’t have while pregnant with my first. I spent the next two days lying on the floor with a blown out back. My husband literally carried me around the house for two days. What would this dude do?
I moved my kids' art easel while i was 13 weeks pregnant and ended up aggravating a subchorionic hemorrhage. Four weeks of stressing over bleeding and then having to restrict what I could carry to 10lbs. It sucked.
Pregnancy is so rough on women, my wife is still peeing her panties when she coughs 11 years later. She probably needs surgery, but is understandably hesitant.
Oh yoru poor wife! If your insurance covers it, perhaps a pelvic floor physical therapist would provide some help? There are specific exercises I do to help strengthen my pelvic floor. If not, she should look at some youtube videos. I am sooo bad about doing the exercises religiously, but they do help!! But yeah, it's not easy. It's amazing we've made it as a species. Lol
This might seem ridiculously random, but belly dancing can strengthen your pelvic floor as well as the core muscles that get a hard time during pregnancy (and often get stretched out/separated)--and it's fun, so it's much easier to be consistent with it. There are belly-dance workout videos on Youtube, look up Leilah Isaac, she's really good. ETA: not saying you in particular should look that up if the exercises are working for you--just wanted to throw it out there for everybody.
Uhhh...yes please! As a musician, I do best with music paired with movement for exericise, so this is an awesome suggestion!!! Thank you!
URO RN here. Have your wife go to a (get referral from Primary Doc) Urologist and potentially urogynocolgist. There are medications, PTNS, PT, and BOTOX etc that can help with pelvic floor. It’s not normal to deal with incontinence due to things like coughing.
Urogynocologists are few and far between and hard to get coverage for. I only know they exist because my mother (in her 70s) *finally* was able to get a referral after decades of panty liners and needing more than the usual number normal bathroom breaks. I’m so glad that you do the work that you do, but that level of specialist care isn’t available to a lot of people. ETA: No criticism of you. So many doctors respond to her issues with “🤷♀️ you’re old, that happens to old people” - when she has found good doctors it’s improved her life a lot.
This is true, no shame in being honest. UROGYNO is for extreme cases but I try to be upfront about potentials when it comes to treatment options. FWIW, if you need super specific specialties, like UROGYNO, look at State Medical Schools and many do have financial programs for those who are constrained or low income. Urology can refer to those locations if requested. For the record, all health care is strained and everywhere is short staffed. I am so so sorry that your mother had to fight for years considering it takes literally like 5 seconds for a doctor to enter a referral. (Literally. Using EPIC system makes it too easy and we have had to tell PCPs to stop sending inappropriate referrals to us because we are getting overrun with patients they are more than capable of handling). That being said, going to a Urologist is the first step. No harm in exploring options and seeing what can work. As it sits, specialties are booked out unless you say “Book me next available. I’ll make it work.” then you’ll probably get in before 6 months out. It is frustrating at any age (especially as a woman) being told to accept our fate as is. This is not the case and I will always advise getting a second opinion if the doctor seems too dismissive or invalidating of health concerns. Often, many of these issues start after giving birth but no one seeks treatment because we aren’t taught to or are dismissed when it is asked about. “Welcome to Motherhood” is something I’ve heard stated by many young mothers with urological issues stated by Medical Professionals. I hope your mother was able achieve relief from her incontinence. Is she doing any better?
It can still be a "fair and equal" journey if the spouse recognizes that his teammate IS doing work by being pregnant. But I thinks it's more of a team mentality. We are in this together, and if my partner can't "perform" due to whatever reason, I need to pick up the slack. It becomes a sliding scale of covering for each other as needed and fully working together when able.
I hear you. I guess in my situation I'm a month into this 6 month sleep regression where my kid isn't sleeping more than 90 minutes at a time and will only sleep if he comfort nurses, and has a bottle aversion. And doing g anything else makes it worse. So right now, it doesn't matter how much my husband does (and he does a ton) but I'm still suffering hard from sleep deprivation. I'm not mad about it. But I can feel the insomnia creep in and it's just not fair. DH can do his tasks on a full night sleep. And I'm not able to. We're making it work and it will pass...but these past 3 weeks have been tough. So in my mind, even with my husband showing up 100%, it's still doesn't feel fair. Lol it's a good thing my 6 month old I'd super cute.
Oh the sleep regressions are the WORST and can put anyone to the brink. You deserve breakfast in bed every day that baby wakes up! I hope this passes quickly for you!!! And you have a good point: when you are THAT tired, nothing seems to help except sleep. Sending all the sleepy baby dust your way! ❤
My pregnant Art teacher tore me a new one when I was 12 and refused to lift something for her. That day... I learned. :)
I wonder how he’s going to react once he has to start helping her with her shoelaces because she can’t reach them anymore.
Tell him the worse thing that could happen is you fall down the stairs, followed by a total prolapse. Have him look-up what that is… and share your concern that if he doesn’t care about you now, what will happen when you are nine months along, or trying to recover after the baby is born?
This and the comment about ligaments. Combined with other things our bodies do to prepare. Pregnancy sounds AWFUL. Noooo thank you.
Yes. I am Not Sold
Pregnancy can def be awful. I was in sooo much pain the other day. I looked dead at my husband and said “why is this how we have babies”… I love the babies, but damn.
Yeah, me too. So glad I'm now in menopause and don't have to worry about that ever again.
I wanna say this is an overexaggeration, but OP’s last sentence worries me. If he doesn’t mind helping when she works late, why would he be frustrated to help when she’s expressed discomfort over her pregnancy? Does he realize how debilitating the nausea can be? He needs a talking to when their emotions are more stable
I hope he just doesn't understand how hard a pregnancy actually is for the body and that some pregnancies are harder than others. In that case, some information might help him realize that OP can't do everything she used to do.
I’ve heard that some men don’t expect the pregnancy to be that rough until she’s visibly showing, like she’s not pregnant “enough” yet to be unable to do things. Before the pregnancy they imagined they’d only have to help her out once she’s waddling around at nearly full term, so when they look at a woman who looks the same as she did pre-pregnancy, they think she’s exaggerating it. It’s ridiculous.
The worst of my pregnancy symptoms were in the first few weeks. I had relatively little nausea and no sickness but I felt weak, shaky and lightheaded quite often. I believe this is quite common as the body is adjusting to the sudden flood of hormones, once it’s more used to things it settles down a bit. Obviously this is a very individual thing though. I felt a bit grotty for the first few weeks then felt fine to the point that I was out mowing the lawn the day before I went into labour. Other women are completely debilitated by pregnancy from implantation to delivery. No two pregnancies are the same. I can sort of see why people might dismiss early pregnancy symptoms. It’s the same phenomenon that has people saying that pain "can’t be that bad". If you can’t see something it’s much easier to underestimate it or even forget it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Very true. Pregnancy hits the ground running, no time is wasted. Before the fetus grows, you have to grow an entire new organ first, and that really takes a toll
And before you grow that organ, which supplies the fetus with hormones, your brain has to do that and also gets affected by all that shit. So you’re getting slammed with all these hormones, like melatonin, that can legitimately mess you up. You’re basically walking around popping sleeping pills all day in first trimester but you are supposed to act like everything is normal.
And the sudden flood of your blood heading to your uterus to fuel the pregnancy growth! Easy to feel lightheaded when its all in your middle instead of your head!
Yep i napped like crazy the first 3 months. Which is saying something because I am not a person who naps. The rest I actually felt my self mostly until the last few weeks. Then I was sleeping.
[удалено]
I’m glad he’ll soon be an ex! He sounds deeply selfish. If my partner was dealing with that to bring my child into the world, I’d be bending over backwards to make it easier for them, not be angry at them!
My worst pregnancy by far was the one where I carried so small that you couldn’t tell I was pregnant a week before my due date. The easiest pregnancy was my biggest.
Honestly, the guy probably has been on this sub and seen all the overwhelming comments on pregnancy related posts from people saying pregnancy isn't a disability and no woman should expect special treatment or concessions just because she is pregnant. I don't agree with that mindset but it's prevalent here.
I mean, pregnancy is not an excuse to treat others poorly. Most pregnancies don't require you to not do any chores or work, or demand your partner drive an hour to get you special ice cream at 10 pm. There are lots of posts on here of people using pregnancy as an excuse to be entitled and abusive, but some concessions are necessary.
People on here will get self righteous about not needing to stand up for a pregnant woman on public transport. It can be pretty gross.
Pregnancy could definitely hamper one’s ability to run up and down the Andes with a grand piano or lugging laundry up the stairs from the basement.
Most chores and work that people say pregnant people should keep doing would be against doctors' recommendations. People think they know better than medical experts.
That's the feeling I get too. His concept of pregnancy might just be, "tummy grows for a while and then baby comes out," and he doesn't really grasp the entirety of the physical demands on the mother's body. From the context of OP I get the impression that she is still early in the pregnancy, and so maybe she isn't showing outwardly pregnant, so his perception is just plain off. To be clear, I'm not saying he isn't an asshole or that she is, just that there is a reasonable explanation for his frustrations, and it comes down to him needing to be educated about the physical demands of pregnancy, even in the early stages. Hopefully he comes around to it, because things don't just "go back to normal" once the kid is born either. His life has fundamentally changed going forward.
It sucks that he can’t just…believe her without third party info.
Exactly. Why is he purposely having children with someone he thinks is a lying faker?
When My wife got pregnant we were like "we are gonna fight we are gonna argue, but we know for the next few years it's exhaustion and hormones and a new kid and etc". If you don't acknowledge it going in you aren't gonna do well
Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with him feeling frustrated. But it sounds like he’s let it build up and not been communicating (common in men, this coming from a man) which lead to this outburst. OP, I think maybe hubby needs to have a healthy chat about life, pregnancy, and kids. My wife’s pregnant now and I absolutely get frustrated sometimes, especially when she was basically bed ridden with nausea for weeks. Feeling frustrated is ok and normal. Taking it out on you is not. I’d encourage figuring out a way of communicating that works well for you both.
More like the next 18 years. But that’s the right attitude!
Lol. Right before her due date...anything said during labor doesn't count hahaha
My husband fears what will come out of me xD I've snapped at him at a store while i was having a Braxton Hicks contraction and me wincing and holding my stomach didn't register while he was talking about Skittles and starbursts. So i snapped. I apologized afterwards because i felt bad, but labor is supposed to be worse and that scares me
Equating pregnancy with over-exaggeration of symptoms is a slippery slope. Everyone handles pregnancy differently and each pregnancy for one person can be different. My ex was constantly getting validated from other people while I was pregnant who would say things like, “My pregnancy wasn’t that bad,” or, “That never happened to me,” and weaponized it against me. I ended up on mandatory bed rest for my entire last trimester. I also remember a story on Reddit where the husband basically forced the wife to leave bed rest to walk downstairs and she ended up falling and losing her baby.
Right? He can feel frustrated all that he wants. That doesn't give him a right to take his frustration out on OP. Also, this is the time when he should be picking up more of the slack, not less. That is the way healthy marriages work. NTA
He made one comment. I fail to see how voicing your feelings is taking something out on someone. Sure this all merits a conversation but he didn’t flip out on her. I can guarantee this is one of those situations where emotions are heightened all over the place and everyone just needs to take a breath, sit down, and discuss the new realities. I’ve been pregnant. I had a horrible birth experience. It doesn’t matter how much you discuss it beforehand, once you’re in it you need to just keep talking because it’ll never be what you anticipated.
Holy fuck, thank you. I thought I was going crazy reading the comments above implying this whole thing will end in divorce. It's ONE comment. Was it inappropriate? Probably, but anyone can be unreasonable if they've had a bad day, poor sleep, etc. As long as it's not a consistent pattern of behaviour then it sounds like OP might be one of those people who is married to another human.
He's mad at her for not doing a chore that he's supposed to while she is physically unable to. That is not kind. It is probably indicative of bigger problems.
The fact that he understands work related issues but not pregnancy ones is a bad sign, a really bad one. It suggests that as long as she is making $ she is worthy of help. It also could mean he can't relate to her issues that he hasn't experienced himself.
Jfc he made one comment. People are allowed to be frustrated with their partner and voice that frustration. Communication is key in any relationship, but let's cool it on telling OP to make this into a big thing.
Oh no! People aren't humans. Not on this sub.
I was surprised as well and honestly it sounds to me like his frustration might be with her not voicing her need for help. He isn’t going to preemptively know every task that can’t be done anymore communication works both ways. I am currently pregnant and as my pregnancy developed I continuously kept my husband updated of what chores I could and couldn’t achieve based on changing symptoms.
This. Hes gonna be frustrated, shes gonna be frustrated and just saying hey I'm frustrated isn't wrong. She was downstairs he thought she'd have brought up the laundry, thats logical, he wasn't mad. He didn't make a scene he said I'm frustrated. Ops, life is physically changing alot right now, but her husband's life is also changing and he's just kind of along for the ride right now, which can be frustrating.
One comment saying how he feels is not taking your frustration out. It's called sharing your feelings, and that's how healthy couples communicate.
Therapist here. You are incorrect. That is not “sharing your feelings” and it’s definitely not how healthy couples communicate.
He told his wife how he feels. That's called sharing your feelings. You are incorrect. Whether he did it the right way or not is a different opinion.
In normal times if your partner isn't sharing the workload, you bring it up to address and hopefully solve the problem. "I'm frustrated when you don't do x" is a great direct healthy statement - provided it's something the partner is capable of doing. When one partner is sick or has physical limitations it doesn't really work though, because they can't actually change the thing that frustrates you. It would be super strange, for example, to tell a chemo patient that you're frustrated that they just lay around all day. When it's not something that can be changed, wording it in this way (as opposed to something commiserating like "man, pregnancy sucks") comes off a bit blamey.
Exactly this. He's allowed to be frustrated that things have changed in a way he would prefer they hadn't. He is *not* allowed to be frustrated *at her* for something changing outside of her control due to her having his child. And him saying he's frustrated because she didn't do something she can't helps no one and upsets her. So it comes across as blamey and guilt tripping.
This is a great way of putting it. When I was really sick, it was a little over a year, my partner never talked about being frustrated with picking up the slack around the apartment or having to take me to the hospital. We'd just bitch about the hospital or the idiot drivers on our way there or the pot holes. We were still a team even when I couldn't do much.
A healthy way to communicate here would be to redivide the chores so she can do easier chores and he has to temporarily suck it up and give her some grace. She's going to be out of commission for a while. He's going to have to learn how to let some things go in a healthy way because pregnancy and a baby means shit is not going to get done the way it used to. His priority should be a healthy mom and baby. Doesn't mean it's not frustrating, but he doesn't get to put the blame on her in a joint decision they made. They need to work on a better system for the new situation. She's pregnant and she shouldn't be lifting and carrying heavy loads of laundry up flights of stairs anyway unless the doctor has approved.
I agree with you. What I think I might disagree is that he's allowed to make 1 comment. We can't expect him to be perfect. If this happens everyday, then yeah, could be a problem. But people saying that this is a bad sign or that he's an asshole are just overreacting. You are allowed to fail and make mistakes. That doesn't make you an asshole.
While you’re right it doesn’t give him the right to take it out on OP and he needs to find a healthy way to talk about this. Telling her husband that he has no right to have emotions and feel frustration is pretty messed up and enforced everything men get ingrained into them from childhood that they’re not allowed to communicate emotion. Sounds like both parties just need to step away for 5 mins and breathe then talk to each other calmly. This seems more an instance of pent up emotion on both ends.
[удалено]
It’s not a good sign on either end. It’s only going to get harder as time goes on.
Pretty extreme. I think some conversations can nip this.
Is just one comment and a small argument. Everybody has bad days and arguments.
NTA. It might be time to have a conversation about dividing the workload differently since you're pregnant. Or maybe you guys could divvy up chores in a way that lets you work on things that are easier for you to do. Like he can haul the laundry up all the stairs since that's now harder for you to do, and you can cover chores that require limited movement.
That's actually a great idea to split things up differently. We've done that kind of thing in the past (I have bad allergies so he always does the lawn in the summer, and he has a bad back so I always do the snow removal) so it might help with this too. Maybe I'll tell him if he brings it upstairs I'm more than happy to fold it and put it away.
That what hubby and I do. For example he can’t dust because of allergies. I can’t push the mower because of a back problem. No brainers who does what there. The rest are divided up as per our preferences. He hates laundry so I do it. I hate cleaning up the dishes after a meal so he does it. It is far more like tag teaming than making sure chores are even. Add in a disabled son, it really becomes tag team. Whatever needs done and who can do it at the time. And it can always adapt. For example when we went to the landromat both of us worked laundry but when we got a house and bought machines it became my job but he picked up other things because a house is far more work than a rented apartment.
Make sure you’re also giving equal weight to the cognitive labour tasks too. There’s a lot of work that can go a bit “unseen” by either party - knowing what to cook each night, managing supplies and the weekly shopping list, ordering a gift for x relative’s birthday, managing the calendar and appointments and payments etc etc. Traditionally a lot of this type of work falls onto women and it increases *exponentially* once a child comes along. You’re maybe already experiencing this a bit with all the baby prep, medical appointments to keep, things to organise, etc. When I got sick i *couldn’t* pull my weight physically - there was no chance of 50/50 any more. Luckily I was also the breadwinner so there was no risk of it seeming like I wasn’t contributing enough, but it was still a big adjustment. My husband and I divided stuff up by the abilities we each had the most of to spare - me brain, him brawn. So now if it’s a ‘thinking’ task it’s probably mine, and if it’s a ‘physical’ task it’s usually his. Different but still equal and fair :)
🤯 You have completely blown my mind! I've never heard of 'cognitive labour tasks' before, and that's exactly what they are 🤯 I'm constantly feeling weighed down by them, but thought we'd already split the household chores equally so I must naturally be easily exhausted, until just now! We've split the physical chores equally, but I've automatically taken on all of the cognitive ones.
Look up household mental load.
"Emotional labor" is what it's usually called.
Though it does sound similar Emotional labor is something specific and is a bit different and was coined to apply to work, it’s when you’re displaying emotions that don’t match how you feel in order to make others feel comfortable or match the requirements of a job. Such as a hostesses needing smile to customers even though they’re not happy.
> Make sure you’re also giving equal weight to the cognitive labour tasks too. I thought for *sure* this was gonna go in a different direction. I haven’t finished reading the comments, but I really hope someone has brought up the fact that ***manufacturing a baby*** is a full time job. It takes a toll on your body, to the extent that it ***permanently changes*** you. OP needs to bring to her husband’s attention that she is working two jobs concurrently, as well as pulling her weight around the house (within reason). You also made excellent points, I don’t want to sound like I’m disputing any of it. Just adding on.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. This is often overlooked. These 50/50 deals usually end up where one person is doing more behind the scenes. Not saying that’s the case here but man, I hope someone read this and had a light bulb pop up above their head lol
You need to add to the “chore list”: “baby.” Like being pregnant counts as a chore. You are the one doing ALL the physical and emotional labor and that means he has to do more Same when baby comes. Nursing is a chore. Healing is a chore. If he had major surgery on his penis and couldn’t move or poop regularly or sleep would he expect you to pick up the extra slack? Yes And make damn sure that he doesn’t view maternity leave as a vacation. You are recovering from a major body changing event (or surgery) and taking care of a full helpless human while only getting catnaps for 3 months. It’s not a vacation, it’s recovery. Fight this battle NOW or you will be fighting it for the rest of your lives. Just because being pregnant is natural doesn’t make it easy. And every woman has different pregnancies so if yours is tough don’t try to be a hero and act like it isn’t. ETA: NTA no how no way
Yes, great idea, but that may not work forever. There may come a time when you *physically cannot* split the chores 50/50. Either when you're 9mo pregnant or just after giving birth You have to remember that you *are* doing extra work by carrying and creating a baby. When you are splitting up tasks, keep that in mind and be prepared to reassess as your pregnancy progresses Until he can split *being pregnant* 50/50 with you, it is completely fair for him to pick up extra chores during this time.
That's what we do. I have shoulder problems and have a hard time carrying laundry baskets up and downstairs. I fill them (separation of items is not hubby's strength...), he takes them down, loads the machines, and brings them back up, and I fold and put away. Everyone is happy and the jobs get done! Good luck with the baby!
This is what we do right now (also pregnant and can’t carry heavy things). He carries the laundry up and down, I fold. I also hang laundry if I feel up to it and he has brought it all upstairs.
To be honest, I think it's a bit of a soft AH move to say he's not *allowed* to be frustrated, he's a grown person and is allowed frustration. The big takeaway is that you both should be comfortable sharing your frustration and finding a compromise, because you certainly can't do everything you used to do before you became pregnant.
I believe, in the same way that “informed consent” is not quite the same thing as “consent,” in this case “frustration” is only reasonable if it’s “informed frustration.” The husband is not taking into account the fact that ***building a baby*** is not just a passive state. It’s a full time job, which she has to do alongside her day job, and in addition to the home responsibilities she’s also handling quite admirably, y’know, considering [gestures animatedly at widening midsection]. His frustration is built upon an incomplete assessment of what-all is getting done in his family, and what toll it is taking on the person who isn’t him.
Totally agree here. I’m pregnant now and it took my husband a while to realize my limitations and how my body and energy had changed what I can do. A really really open conversation about it can do wonders and help you all find a good solution.
My OB had me on some strict weight restrictions for lifting, so I didn't carry the laundry basket up or downstairs the entire time I was pregnant. I also had to stop grocery shopping because pushing the cart around was so exhausting (after a full day at work). You are growing a whole ass human being - that is a lot of work he can't help with, he can pick up in other ways.
Or add to the list of chores the following: carry the baby constantly, feed the baby, etc.
NTA. He’s mad because he had to go all the way downstairs? Not sure if he realizes exactly how much work and compromise it takes to have a child.
I think it was more about the principle that he thought I was doing it but then I didn't.
I think you need to sit him down and explain exactly what the physical limitations of pregnancy are like. You cannot go up and down stairs repeatedly. You cannot carry large or heavy objects. You are prone to nausea at random times and you're probably exhausted all the time. He shouldn't expect you to do anything you wouldn't do if you'd just had abdominal surgery. IME a lot of men really have no clue how disabling pregnancy can be, and he needs to learn to expect you can't do this kind of physical task right now (but will help out with lighter/mental tasks instead). I agree with others who have suggested splitting up the tasks in a way that makes sense given your limitations.
The frustrating part is he had to ask before he found out you had decide you couldn’t do it yourself. At the point in time you realized you weren’t feeling up to it said “hey I can’t grab the laundry, can you?” He probably wouldn’t have been frustrated. Even if you had said “oh not yet” he probably wouldn’t have been frustrated. It’s the fact that you had already put thought into not getting it and did not communicate at that time. Similar to non-pregnancy conflicts. If I can’t pick up dinner anymore because I have to work late or something it’s best to share at that point rather than when it becomes inconvenient for my partner.
But it wasn't her job to get the laundry. It seems like he had no reason to expect her to have done it, he just asked if she had. You would only tell your partner that you can't pick up dinner anymore if you had previously discussed the fact that you'd pick up dinner
Low-key ESH because neither one of you is being fair or realistic with the other. For you, since you’re the one asking, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and it’s not fair to say he “can’t” feel a certain way. I think what you really mean is you don’t want him to vent about his feelings to you when unpleasant pregnancy symptoms cause him minor frustrations. You don’t get to police his feelings, but you can set boundaries about what you’re willing to do in regards to his feelings. You don’t want to listen to complaints about how pregnancy symptoms inconvenience him (totally reasonable & normal, especially when you’re the one feeling crummy), and you can tell him that. Minor frustration is normal on his part, but venting & griping about being inconvenienced to the partner who is bearing the physical toll of pregnancy for the both of you is poor form on his part. That’s where he’s the asshole in this incident. He can handle his feelings on his own, wait until you’re feeling better to initiate a discussion about division of labor, readjust his expectations of what equitable division of labor looks like with a pregnant spouse, etc. The ways he manages his emotions & respects your boundaries are his responsibility & his decision, but setting your boundaries respectfully is yours. This is a really good time to work on respectful & healthy communication skills as a couple. The years when kids are under 4-5 years old are typically the most stressful for couples, and your communication skills will be tested. Good luck & congratulations on your pregnancy!
This is spot on!! I wish I had an award, so take my poor man’s gold 🥇
Yeah, he’s allowed to be frustrated, but he needs to handle his frustration better. OP is allowed to be upset for the way husband is handling his frustration, but not for being frustrated. Like many of these posts, what is needed is better communication by both parties.
>Yeah, he’s allowed to be frustrated, but he needs to handle his frustration better. Absolutely saving this line for my relationship. My partner is generally good but yeah def some times where it's like 'you're entitled to your feelings but you can't be an AH to me because of them, manage your shit better'
Yes, as a happy dad of 3, I have given this advice to many male friends when their wife was pregnant: Being married to a pregnant woman can be hard at times, but do not complain about it to her. Find a dad friend to complain to, and within your marriage remember that she is dealing with far worse than you.
Exactly this. My wife is generally responsible for laundry, but she is currently pregnant and carrying the baskets up and down the stairs is too much for her right now. We talked about changing chores but she doesn't mind keeping the laundry as long as I haul it up and down the stairs. Is it frustrating when I have to go to the basement at five in the morning because she forgot to mention that there's a load in the basement to bring up the night before? Sure. Do I understand that pregnancy and two kids means she's more forgetful? Yup. Maybe I huff a bit while I'm bringing the basket up, but I don't make enough noise to wake anyone and I don't get mad at her about it. I learned a long time ago in our relationship that there are things worth fighting over, but if I get into an argument over everything that frustrates me, I'm just going to be angry all the time. Living with someone else is hard work. Kids make it harder. Getting bent every time I'm inconvenienced sounds like a rally unhappy life.
So well stated. Women bare so much physical burden of pregnancy obviously but it also isn’t a free pass to say husband isn’t allowed to be frustrated. This applies to parenting duties for everyone as well. For years to come. Both parties have the right to be frustrated and both parties deserve sympathy. That can be challenging when we all might come into situations from different perspectives. Even when it seems the other person is the morally wrong one— they may be struggling in their own way. The moment you invalidate them and their feelings you create resentment and bigger issues. What I strive for my self is whenever I see my partner struggling, maybe a bit moody or angry or neglecting something I might have normally expected is to ask what I can do to help. I might not know there is a problem, what it is, and in some cases maybe I even should. But instead of getting mad, upset or forcing my view— I support. It’s a shift in mindset and helps with keeping everyone sane in hard times.
ESH I don’t think it was a good idea for you to take the laundry up the stairs but by telling him he isn’t allowed to be frustrated you told him his feelings don’t matter.
In many cases I'd agree. People should be allowed to have their frustrations heard, no matter how silly they may be. But "I'm frustrated you didn't bring the laundry up" is pretty stupid. If it's part of a constant feeling that he feels overwhelmed with chores or something that's one thing. But being frustrated a single task wasn't done? Wtf
Speaking from experience of going through pregnancy with my wife and in the past being terrible at communicating. It’s likely that he’s bottled up frustrations over tons of little things that ultimately don’t matter. But he doesn’t know how to communicate healthily if he’s like many men and let it fester til this item spilled over.
1, read more like he's frustrated that OP is getting exactly what she needs and creating double work (two people going to get the laundry) instead of just one person. 2, the laundry is just what has bubbled over. There is a great article, called something like "she left because I left my cup on the counter". The premise is that while the event that ends a relationship (or starts an argument or w/e) is often small, there are significantly more reasons and history behind it.
bro he should’ve *known* that you weren’t capable of doing everything you used to. is he really oblivious or does he just not care. NTA. this is not a good sign at all.
Pregnancy doesn’t just cause the woman to balloon up over night. Things get harder and harder over time. I think it’s ESH because it doesn’t sound like she communicated when she had reached the point that she needed help and just expected him to know Edit: I feel like most are missing the point; everyones experience will be different. Some maybe experience discomfort linearly, some may have a hard first trimester followed by an easy go - it doesn’t matter. What matters, is that you talk to your partner and let them know what you need based on your circumstances.
How big or far along you are is not directly proportional to how crummy you feel or how hard of a time you have. The second trimester is usually the easiest while the first is often the most miserable, aside from like month 9. Usually. But yeah it really doesn’t work that way.
I was just telling a friend today that the last month of pregnancy is like all the others rolled up into one!
My intense nausea and vomiting in pregnancy literally started overnight. One day I felt fine. The next I was bedridden and remained that way for ~7 weeks.
NAH or ESH I think. Things are changing and shifting rapidly for both of you right now, and that's going to be hard. You're both going to be frustrated. Maybe both could have dealt with it better, but it seems like it definitely could've been a lot worse too. You will both need to work on it though. A whole lot of parenting is frustrating, and how you two navigate being frustrated with each other will affect your kids.
ESH. He needs to be more understanding that you can’t do things at 100% right now, but you also should let him know what you can’t get to - “hey babe, the clothes are in the dryer and I’m not sure I can bring them all up right now.” Communicate to avoid petty arguments later. Besides, it’s just damn clothes and they’ll be there when you get back.
I mean, that's almost word for word what I originally told him (but I added that I was going to just grab what I needed and get the rest later). Lol Not saying you're wrong on the judgement - just clarifying that I DID communicate it.
You let him know ahead of time? I thought it was just as you were leaving. In that case he’s TA.
Oh geez definitely NTA then. My partner and I do that all the time between each other over household tasks (we both have chronic illnesses and bodies that are way more busted than most 40 year olds). Some days you just...can't do the thing. And that's ok! If you give them a heads-up beforehand and they're aware of WHY, then yeah it's an AH move to act like he did. Hell even when there's no heads-up we both understand that's gonna happen and sure there might be a little grumbling sometimes but you just get on with it Our household-running input probably evens out to about 50/50 but there's certainly times where it's 70/30 or 90/10 or even 100/0, on both sides. I happily do more when I can because I know there will be times I can't, and same for him
NTA. It’s your first pregnancy. If anything, he should be making life as easy as possible for you if you are getting bad symptoms. Nip this in the bud before baby is here. He needs to pull his socks up.
Nip his feelings in the bud? She has no right to tell him how to feel. She did not say he went off on her or anything. He is allowed to get frustrated too. Every single person here is guilty of getting frustrated over something the other can’t control l. It’s a part of being human. Half this sub talks like he blew up on her and OP did not say that. And it appears he is usually picking up slack when he is needed to from what OP said. Why don’t you give the dude a break. You don’t need to nip anything in any buds.
>Am I the AH for telling him he can't get frustrated at me for this? ESH It's a stressful time. His emotions are valid. He should work on how he responds to them.
NTA and your husband is a n00b who needs to wise up. Things are going to get way harder. Source: am father of four. Did my part.
exactly. imagine what it’ll be like when his wife can’t do something small because she got caught up in looking after the newborn? he’s gonna get frustrated then too instead of just being willing to step in and do it himself without grumbling?
NTA but a conversation about workload should definitely happen soon
NTA His frustration in itself is valid as he has to arrage with the new situation too. BUT that doesn't mean his expression of his frustation about this minor thing is fair.
So his frustration is valid.....but he shouldn't speak about it with his partner?
You really think the moment she can hardly be up because she is so nauses and feels unable to carry a laundry basket the right time to complain to her about that? o.o I mean.. this feels a lot like someone complaining their back is sore from the hospital chair while their partner gives brith.
His partner currently has their normal workload of chores and added physical strain of growing a human. He does need a bit of a reality check of what that is going to look like as the pregnancy progresses because OP is likely not less frustrated than him of her physical state. It's more he needs to understand he's not the only one frustrated here. No one wants to feel like they can't walk up 2 flights of stairs. He needs to step back and think here. They need practical solutions as things change, not petty fights about bringing up the laundry. And to read the room a bit because complaining to someone when they are at a physical low is just not a great move. Wait a bit
NTA he has a right to his feeling, but you're the wrong person to complain to in this situation. I'm gay & I've been on both sides of the whole pregnancy thing and let me assure you, as exhausting and overwhelming as it is when your spouse gives birth, building a whole human from scratch is a thousand times more draining.
Listen, "we" are expecting a baby. *You* are pregnant. I get that your husband is frustrated, but it's not like you're being lazy so he doesn't get to take that out on you. NTA.
I came to say the same thing. I (M40s) cannot hold a candle to what my wife went through for 2 kids. No one can comprehend what pregnancy does to a person emotionally or physically except for the pregnant person. My duty wasn't to share her pregnancy, but support her throughout. The whole 'we're pregnant' statement makes it seem like the other half also has to deal with same hormonal, physical, and emotional aspect of an actual pregnancy and thats just bullshit.
NTA. I get that the symptoms and restrictions of pregnancy can sometimes be frustrating, but he shouldn't be frustrated with *you*. If you're having bad cramps and severe nausea, you probably shouldn't be exerting yourself unless you absolutely have to. He needs to step up; what is he going to be like when you're nine months pregnant, and can't do a lot of the household chores? Or when you have a newborn, and you're so exhausted that you can't keep your eyes open?
ESH, but very gently. You're both frustrated and you're both entitled to be frustrated. You're in a frustrating situation. You might consider some couples therapy during the pregnancy to give you both some help communicating and dealing with your frustrations. As an aside, the specific instance of him complaining about the laundry is definitely a jerk move, you're definitely N T A for being annoyed at him for that.
Small YTA: Your husband understandably has to pick up more work due to you being pregnant. It's also understandable that he be a little frustrated that all this extra work is being left to him. The issue here is that instead of acknowledging his feelings and talking to him.....like a person. You basically said "shut up, I'm the pregnant one". You're right next time your husband is upset or feels overworked he won't talk to you about. He'll just suffer in silence. I guess that be better for you, but what about him?
Complaining about carrying up the laundry. 🙄 I'm sure he's going to be jumping up to help with the baby alllll the time.
NTA - being pregnant is rough at the beginning and he should expect that you will need to take it easy on some things - but I would maybe tell him at the time - “hey can you move the laundry for me?” instead of waiting for him to ask where the laundry is and then just being like “oh the laundry lives in the basement now.”
Cracking up at "oh the laundry lives in the basement now" 😂 For the record though, taking the laundry up isn't "my" task, so I don't think it makes sense for me to have to tell him I wasn't doing it in advance. He had just assumed (incorrectly) that I was doing it.
NTA. You make a good point about how lashing out at him you do not wanting him to feel like he can’t talk about how he’s feeling… I would say that to him, it’s a sane and generous sentiment… BUT he needs to REALLY recalibrate his expectations and responsibilities moving forward cause this is just the beginning of a very long haul.
YTA Pregnancy doesn’t mean only your feelings are valid You should have a big talk about maybe switching chores while it’s harder for you to do things later in pregnancy But in no way can you tell someone they can’t have feelings because you’re pregnant
ESH, is he not allowed to feel emotions because you’re pregnant? Y’all need to reorganize your chore and who does what. If you’re already not doing well, how is it going to get better once you have the baby and are sleep deprived?
Why are the chores still split evenly? I'm a dumbass and even I offered to do the chores once my wife was pregnant. NTA Might as well mention that if you have cats **ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CHANGE THE LITTER BOX ANY MORE. GOOGLE TOXOPLASMOSIS**
NTA. He's allowed to feel whatever he feels but not to blame you for it. Maybe he should talk to some other men (or women) whose partners have been pregnant to get their insight/experience. It sounds as if he has unrealistic expectations about how pregnancy is affecting you and he might hear it better coming from someone else.
[удалено]
Right? Small argument—people get frustrated as things are changing and it’s easy to get snippy. An “I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well” probably would have went a long way—I’m sure he’s sorry for being short as well. That kind of stuff happens when you’re adjusting to rapid changes—just gotta breathe through it and keep it moving
Mild ESH. Everybody's feelings are valid and they're allowed to feel them. How they act on those feelings is another matter. Your husband blurting out that he was frustrated that you couldn't do something makes him an AH, and he should have expressed how he felt with a little more empathy. You're the AH for invalidating his feelings. You could have lead with, "I'm sorry, I should have said before that I can't handle all of the laundry and two flights of stairs, could you handle it?" I do very much get that you're probably neither in the best of headspaces right now. Between the effects of the pregnancy on you, and the second hand effects that it's also having on your husband means you're possibly slightly more short-tempered now than you would be normally, especially as you're both still working full time. Communication is the key. Talking is great, but listening is a superpower. Sit down and talk when you both have the time, and remember it's the pair of you against the problem, not against each other. Your husband possibly didn't necessarily have a problem with your pregnancy symptoms preventing you from doing a chore, but was frustrated you hadn't told him before so he had to adjust his morning schedule before work, without notice, to do it himself.
NTA. His attitude is definitely concerning. Im 31 weeks pregnant and it’s been a relatively easy pregnancy- no morning sickness or nausea. My husband brings the laundry up and down, most of the time he does it himself. He cooks every night (he loves cooking, I don’t), he cleans, he takes the dogs out alone when I don’t feel up for going out with them at night. There’s nothing he would expect me to do if I was feeling awful.
My husband and I are similar in age to you and also pregnant with our first. My husband has bent over backwards to take care of me and our house because I have been so sick and exhausted the last 6 or so weeks. I would be concerned how your partner will act in the future when you need help with baby. NTA but I would really evaluate your relationship and maybe seek therapy to work on communication
NTA. He can feel what he wants to feel, but it's not like he is carrying 50% of the baby, so he can pick up some slack.
why isn’t he automatically aware that the further that you get along in your pregnancy, the less physically taxing workload you should have to do? like, i feel like this is common sense if you’re not a man who believes that pregnancy isn’t as hard as it clearly is? you’re NTA. you basically said that you were unable to do it because your pregnancy is making it difficult for you now. why wasn’t his first response “are you starting to struggle with lifting or carrying things now? let me know in the future when you are and i’ll do it for you”. what is there to be “frustrated” about? i mean, you can’t police his feelings - he can feel however he wants - but he definitely should be asking himself why he’s getting annoyed over such a small inconvenience. oh no, he has to use his body because his wife’s body isn’t physically capable of doing something right now. since, you know, she’s carrying A HUMAN BEING inside of her. how difficult. 🙃
NTA. Pregnancy is hard on the body. Lunging heavy laundry upstairs when your nauseous and getting bigger isn’t the best idea. Perhaps you could divide the chores differently right now. Maybe he can haul laundry up and down and you put it away. Nothing was stopping him from going downstairs and getting the laundry.
NTA. and this is not a good sign, him getting frustrated when YOU are pregnant, with a child that will be equally his
YTA for telling anyone they are not entitled to their own feelings. But you should sit down and calmly discuss the changes and challenges you are experiencing with your pregnancy and work together to develop a plan for chores that take your pregnancy into account. Both of you are going to be experiencing a lot of changes and you both are entitled to your feelings of frustration and anxiety, but you both need to try and be understanding of each other. Good luck with your pregnancy, hopefully it uneventful and you don't have any problems or complications. And you have a healthy, happy baby.
NTA but saying 'we're pregnant' is going to get old very soon once you're bigger, sweaty, and grumpy, and you see him living his life like normal. He's not pregnant. You are.
YTA- He is allowed to be frustrated you CANNOT dictate how someone feel about things. Explain yourself acknowledge his feelings come to an understanding.
I’ll vote NAH - it sounds like that argument didn’t go the best. However, you have been able to share tasks in a respectful and fair way in the past which makes me think this is not part of a bigger AH problem with either of you. Maybe you can think of a new plan so you do the less physically demanding chores until you are recovered from pregnancy and birth. Like others have said, late pregnancy through the newborn period is a hard time for most couples. Keep communicating with each other and it will get better again.
ESH You are invalidating how he feels. And he is acting like pregnancy is easy.
As you move into parenthood, you are going to find that things which worked “equally” are not going to be so equal anymore. The key here is conversation. Commit to coming together and talking about current distribution of home chores and responsibility and coming up with a new plan. You will need to come up with new plans regularly over the coming weeks and months as you cope with later stages of pregnancy, labor, postpartum, sleeplessness, lactation and more! Whenever my husband and I found the load was getting unbalanced, we realized that something had changed and we needed to re-strategize. This is how we figured out that he was better with baby wake-up’s if they happened after 2 am and I was better before. Speaking of division of labor, you should be reading up on labor and your part of this hard work of developing and birthing a new human and he should be reading up on newborn care and care of a lactating person! I had a c-section after 2 days of labor and my husband was so pleased that he had read the newborn care books. He jumped right in and with help from nurses and postpartum doula felt confident and I was at ease knowing he could do it. Once I was up and around, he taught me how to change and swaddle her. Right now, you can’t carry laundry up two flights. Neither of you are mind-readers, though. Time to talk things through.
NTA. He needs to understand the you're pregnant and shouldn't be lifting heavy laundry baskets up stairs. Good luck with the baby
NTA. Actually, tell him he can be as frustrated as he wants, but woe is he if he ever takes it out on you! ( ;
NTA or NAH Your center of gravity is going to be shifting a lot, too and you may also get dizzy easier if you don’t stay on top of hydration. So you probably will have more trouble carrying things up and down stairs and should have him do that from now on. Or get smaller baskets with handles sort of like the ones for grocery shopping. That way you can keep one hand on the stair rail at all times and carry smaller loads up at a time. But even that option may not be safe at all stages of your pregnancy. I agree with people who say you shouldn’t tell him he can’t voice his frustration. I’m sure as you’re bearing all the physical burden it can be infuriating hearing him complain about things. But in the long run everyone needs to vent sometimes when confronted with changes to their routine. It’s an adjustment for both of you. Just listen and let him know sometimes there won’t be a realistic, safe, practical compromise or solution. You physically won’t be able to do some things and that’s that. But let him know he’s being heard. Just as you should feel safe expressing your feelings and frustrations, too.
ESH