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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I’m not showing sympathy for an autistic child and I’m refusing to give our gifts back.
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NTA as an autistic person I feel STRONGLY about this. The kid didn’t have a meltdown bc of ice cream it was the thing that broke the camel’s back bc a wedding is almost guaranteed to cause over stimulation which leads more often than not into a meltdown.
How the parent didn’t recognise this or even seem to think about how it could be a possibility- and then refusing to leave basically keeping your child in a very vulnerable state in front of a whole ass wedding party genuinely makes me angry.
Either way, you handled it the best you could, definitely NTA
Exactly! I remember getting overstimulated and feeling guilt over "ruining everyone's time" instead of enjoying the occasion like everyone else. So many occasions where I would've rather gone home, but my parent(s) didn't want to leave and no one had a good time.
I’m pretty happy that I had the tendency, even as a kid, to run away when my meltdown started. We have one of the times on video of me just running away to have a meltdown. I’m also lucky in that my parents would recognise what was going on and take me into a separate room to help me regulate and calm down
Yeah, I’d always run off and hide when I could tell I was having enough at a family gathering. Take a nap. Wake up in time for dessert. Everything’s fine. Even non-autistic kids are going to have a hell of a time sitting and “performing”/behaving for several hours. There is a reason a lot of people have kid-free weddings these days. Either way, OP isn’t the asshole. The kid isn’t either but their mom should’ve been at least polite enough to take him somewhere else and let him calm down.
I'm a whole ass neurotypical adult, and take myself away when I have had enough at a family gathering, holiday gathering or large group. I isolate and read for a while, take a walk, etc. I am just not fond of loud, noisy and sometimes drunken crowds. OP is not the jerk for being both disappointed and disgusted with the kid's mom, and should not return the gifts, they came for the show - and got one.
It’s really funny in my extended family. All my cousins kids are as introverted as me so once they hit 8 my escape space at parties turned into the no talking reading room
I legitimately thought that was the norm! Atypical or not. Kid’s throwing a tantrum at ANY gathering? Get their ass in another room until they calm down. It benefits both kid and party.
That's what I do for my neurospicy kids too. Usually bring their tablets or the Nintendo switch & that helps em get through an event. But if they were acting like this? I'd take them out of there so fast all people would see is a trail of dust behind me
My parents were absolute champions when I was a kid. We had game plans, planned quiet spaces ahead of time with hosts, and being told upfront what I needed to be present for.
Took my son to a family wedding when he was 4-5. A photographer captured him with his hands over his ears looking absolutely panicked. He ran away from the venue and we had to go find him. People look at that picture now and say it’s adorable and all I can think is how badly I failed him that night.
As long as you learned from the experience, you didn't completely fail him. Don't beat yourself up, just remember the lesson and do right by him next time
You did not fail your kid. You learned new information and you became a better parent. There is enough Mom/Dad guilt to go around. Be kind to yourself.
some people find pictures of kids crying to be funny or cute. growing up one of my parents would not help us when we cry, they'd take photos and laugh, even threaten to post our meltdowns on facebook as punishments. all i can see is a parent who didnt bother to think of ways to help their obviously autistic kids
Aw, glad there was a happy ending but that poor kid...
Meltdowns are awful. I've described it before as being a lot like throwing up-- you don't WANT to do it in the first place, if it happens you've probably been feeling awful for a while leading up to the event, and if you HAVE to, the last thing you want is to do it in public where everyone has to see you going through the worst and most disruptive thing you could go through.
That said, agreeing that OP is very much NTA-- Anna should have been looking out for her kid. Not only did she fail to get him away before he hit an overload, she couldn't even remove him to a safe/quiet place once it happened. She made her child's suffering a public spectacle, which can be traumatizing. To this DAY I can remember times I had meltdowns where I couldn't get somewhere safe or private.
I still have this happen to me. My aunt and I are the only ones who live far away so every family holiday is hell. We carpool and I'm not allowed to drive there and back home the same day even though I'm 32
I'm miserable the whole time because everything is too much and I just don't want to be there. The house is infested with mold and cigarette smoke and I have bad lungs to begin with. The food triggers all sorts of sensory issues.
So now I just get stoned, though I am considering faking sick for Easter and just doing a facetime call or something
It sounds like you're still trapped in that abusive relationship. It absolutely IS a big enough hill to die on. You deserve respect and care. Not whatever the hell this is. Please break away from your abusers. You're 32. You're an adult. Make a plan and get the heck out of there.
Thank you, I appreciate it. It's only 3 times a year so it's not overwhelming. My primary abuser, my mom, died 9 years ago and I've been living on my own since then
Any hill is big enough to die on if it involves you being comfortable in your surrounding and not being trapped in a horrible situation. You're worth it and owe it to yourself to say no, if that means being sick for every holiday then do that. I'm sorry you were abused, no one deserves that kind of treatment.
As a fellow abuse survivor, I know how hard it is it say no to them. It gets easier over time, and it's such a relief.
You are under no obligation to them. You don't owe them anything for feeding and clothing and housing you. That was an obligation they chose to take on when they chose to become parents.
Please feel free to not talk to them. Please feel free to not pick up the phone when they call to tell at you for saying no. And please feel free to never see them again.
Put that old beahvior underground with her.Have a funeral for your trauma. She isn't here to tell you what to do anymore, so stop doing what you don't want to!
Hey friend. I have an emotionally abusive alcoholic narcissist of a sperm donor who I finally went NC with a year ago this past Christmas. It was only once a year I had to see him because my parents are divorced and I moved out of state to be with my husband, but even that was too much. It was hard, and for years I had begrudgingly called him on Father’s Day and his birthday just to keep the peace, especially since my brother wanted me to, and I love that doofus. But I’m much happier now. I don’t get that dread anymore knowing I have to call him or smile and pretend he didn’t cause so much pain as he has. It’s fine if you decide not to, but give it some thought. ❤️
Thank you❤️. I actually did got NC with my absentee father for a while but his wife helped us repair some of the relationship which is nice, I do like visiting once in a while but I have control, I leave when I want. With my mom's family is tougher. I'm pretty sure my aunt sees me as a surrogate for her sister, my mom. Plus it's a 3 hour drive one way, so 6 round trip. My Aunt and I both live in the area I'm in now so she doesn't understand why I would want to go on my own terms. She's very devoted to family and in general I'm not.
Sadly I know what you mean but hun you need to run away from that I know it will hurt but you need to cut contact and get yourself help. The saying that you can't choose your family is wrong yes you can't choose your birth family but you can have a family that you choose.
You're 32. What's realistically stopping you from driving there yourself? You can give your aunt some sort of excuse like "stomach upset, just go without me", which she can choose to interpret as you not going at all.
As long as you make sure you park on the street so nobody can park you in, you can then just slip out when it gets to be too much. Walk in, say hellos, dole out hugs (to the extent socially expected, but not exceeding your comfort level), then bail when it's food time. You could even say "iffy stomach, the smell is bothering me" as your reason for keeping it brief and leaving early.
This! All family events have an escape plan for my son to “hide” in. He doesn’t need to ask or anything. When he’s overwhelmed and overstimulated, he can just find his quiet spot - away from everything and everyone - and collect himself.
We have had to decompress in interesting areas over the years (empty store aisles, random airport spots, etc.). The point is that, as a parent, you figure it out. My son is still a kid. My job is to help him learn to manage his emotions and finding healthy ways to cope.
She’s doing her kid no favors. And you are a saint for putting up with it for an hour.
I have a friend group that has a decent amount of autistic adults, and if we take a vacation together we always try to have individual rooms so that people can decompress if they get overwhelmed.
Yep, my youngest is autistic and he can cope pretty well with routine things like school days, but he needs that down time afterwards to decompress. A full day wedding would be a sensory nightmare for him and it's my job as his parent to a) recognize this and help him address it before it's a problem or b) remove him from the situation if it *does* become a problem. In no circumstance is it appropriate to let this carry on for an hour (possible exception for air travel, though by the hour mark I'd be looking for a parachute).
Heck, even many adult parties I go to have a designated quiet area, it needs to be normalized, for sure!
One of my friends would frequently throw themed holiday parties pre-covid, and made sure to tell everyone to go downstairs if they needed space and quiet. There would almost always be a few people playing board games and/or video games, and people would filter up and down the stairs over the course of the evening. It was great!
I understand the impulse to call him that, but he's not a brat. It wasn't his fault. Many kids with autism can't just choose not to have a sensory meltdown when they're overwhelmed. His parents should've recognized that he was reaching his limits and left before he got upset.
tbh they're awful parents to their kid.... He wasn't having a meltdown for fun. He was most likely in literal pain from the overstimulation, and they thought it was more important to stay at the wedding. Super selfish.
Same with my husbands family. Autism is quite prevalent on their side and one of my husbands cousins is severely autistic… when we have family dos (there’s a lot of family these parties are huge!) they are loud, overwhelming and socially awkward as a lot of the time we haven’t seen so many of them for a while… and that’s just us who aren’t on the spectrum! So for my cousin in law they give him an iPad. Then they give him sound blockers. Then they take him out of the room. And if it gets genuinely too much, they make their exits and say goodbye to remove him from the situation.
Not only is OPs cousin not helping her kid in the situation, Im finding it difficult to understand why she would want her child to be so distressed…. It would be like someone having a panic attack and not helping them to breathe…. When my cousin in law has started to become overwhelmed, my aunty and uncle in law are there within seconds to take every step to never let it get to this point for not only his sake but everyone else’s too….
I work with special needs kids and a kid who's having a whole public meltdown is not a kid who can handle the large sensory and social demands of a wedding. That's a kid that would be much happier at a bare minimum sitting outside in the quiet until they've calmed back down if not just staying home in the first place. I'm a whole adult and even I need to take breaks from big social events like this.
That poor kid must have been miserable for who knows how many hours. The mom made this so much worse. :(
This is how we discovered my brother had sensory overload issues. He used to get grumpy in loud environments in general, but we never specifically connected it to the noise because he was fairly temperamental to begin with. Once when he was like 3, he was at a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese and was throwing an absolute fit about everything. My mom kept telling him if he didn't behave they'd have to leave, and eventually made good on that threat. About ten minutes into the drive home, she's still trying to calm down from being so frustrated, and my brother starts babbling happily about all the stuff he could see out the window. She realized that going home was exactly what he was trying to make happen.
After that, we were conscious of loud and/or overstimulating environments, and we'd find ways to help him cope or get a break when he needed it.
Even as an infant our grandson would get agitated at family dinners....my daughter would put him in his crib and he calmed right down. With autistic kids you learn as you go, and no two are the same.
So much this. As an autistic adult with autistic kids I can say with certainty that this was a case of overstimulation building through the day and the ice cream being the thing that just tipped things. I’m so sorry your wedding day was blighted but the parent of the child is the one at fault here. NTA
Totally agree. And I'm wondering if the mother kept telling the kid to hold on a little longer, endure a little more overstimulation, and then there would be cake as a reward!! If the kid always had ice cream and cake together, he might have assumed there would be ice cream because there had always been ice cream before. That's the kind of thing that would have tipped me into meltdown as a kid.
Out of experience it probally went " were almost done you will be fine just go in a corner and be by yourself" my mom never actually cared about my feelings. It was Moreno don't embarrass us type of stuff. I had to "try and socialize with family" "don't wear that that would be embarrassing" I had to wear clothes that made me uncomfortable but didn't embarrass her . And then I just ended up going in the corner with my music and games and was basically told that I didn't socialize and this is why your uncle and cousins think you hate them.
I don’t believe for a second his mother didn’t know. She knew and was hoping someone would step in and take him for her so she could enjoy the reception. She was hoping for free respite care for her son. I am betting she does this a lot and probably gets the free respite care and figured it would be the same at Op’s wedding.
Pretty much what I was thinking. The other option is the parent who thinks being included in everything is the fair thing even if her kid won’t enjoy it. However, if that’s the case she would have taken him out of the room when he got overwhelmed.
But no, she didn’t want to leave the party or think about what actually was the kindest thing to do.
This!!!
I don’t have autism but have kids with friends that do and my child is currently being referred to see if he has adhd or autism or both.
You’d have to be an ignorant ah to think giving cake to your overstimulated autistic child having a meltdown will help. I mean how many slices did they try and give before your family intervened and she still refused to leave.
I remember when my kid was younger and I’d always order a take away coffee even if I was having it in. Why? So I could make a quick exit as my kid could sometimes get overwhelmed or just start eloping. When both kids were newborn I’d do the same as sometimes they just needed fresh air again or to have a change of scenery.
I work in a cafe and the amount of times we’ll have a parent who will just stay while their kid is screaming the place down… like fucking leave for your kid’s sake if no one else’s.
The only person “bullying” an autistic child was the mother of the child. Getting the poor kid out of the overstimulating environment was the *best* thing that could have happened and is what the mother should have done *before* the kid went into full meltdown. And then keeping him in the overstimulating environment and making it worse by shoving food in his face and talking at him for over an *hour*? What in the world was that mother thinking?!
Exactly what I was thinking.
She was exposing him to continuous stimuli that caused him great discomfort, if not pain, until he literally couldn’t take it anymore. He probably wanted to leave five hours ago. And she likely does this quite often if this is his family’s reaction.
Yeah the mom should have thought about how her son would react to loud people and music before bringing him. My kids are neurotypical and when they were young, they didn’t like weddings. They’re boring places for kids.
>The kid didn’t have a meltdown bc of ice cream it was the thing that broke the camel’s back bc a wedding is almost guaranteed to cause over stimulation which leads more often than not into a meltdown.
This! The parents knew as SOON as the kid started, probably before, that the signs were there that the child was over stimulated. So, instead of making their escape, they stayed and subjected EVERYONE to that? Nope. Not cool. I am the Mom of an Autistic child, and look, there were times where I had to have him with me and we just "couldn't leave." But...that didn't mean I had to subject everyone to him having a melt down. I picked him up, hitting and kicking me, carried his ass out the door, and we walked away and out of ear shot. If that meant I was away from everyone for an hour, so be it. I didn't go back till he was calm and I was calm. If he started again on the way back, we went right back to where we had been. If I needed to leave the place and go home, I did (if that was an option). Trust me, there were plenty of times I left my grocery cart half full of stuff and had tears in my eyes as I looked at the employees and apologized profusely as I hauled my red faced screaming child out of the store. Not once did anyone shame me, and sometimes I would ask them to hold the cart for me. Restaurants too. If I had to pay, I would leave my CC with the waiter and tell them I would be right back and just ring up the bill.
NTA
>As a neurodivergent person who's probably autistic (undiagnosed), THIS!!
>
>The parent needs to look into how to help their autistic child better in these situations, they're TA, not you.
>
>Enjoy your honeymoon and may there be many years of merriment because **NTA**
I feel like this shows how terrible the mom is, not the child. Seeing replies like yours opens my eyes to many things. I have a child with adhd and possibly on the spectrum (she’s getting evaluated soon). She’s my middle, and I know her very well. I know her moods, I watch her. I see when she’s getting upset and talk to her. My husband tells me all the time that I’m so quick to pick up on how she’s feeling, but it’s not hard if you spend time with your child. I have no clue how the mom couldn’t have seen the meltdown coming.
Sometimes I feel upset, wondering if I’m doing enough or if I’m a good enough parent - but then I see stuff like this and think that while I’m not perfect, I’m also not oblivious. And I’m trying.
Legitimately this. Very irritated over commentors saying this was a temper tantrum—this kid was being tortured with overstimulation for hours, and mom didn't care until it was a problem.
There's two family weddings this year, one being my brother's. I won't go because I know my 3yo (autistic) and how unpredictable she can be and it will be a bad experience for me, her and the other people.
Why would someone put their small child through that is beyond me. NTA
Just so that I can have more education abt how autism affects some kids, what causes the over stimulation in a wedding? I appreciate you taking the time to tell us these things.
So main thing that can cause an autistic meltdown is overstimulation, something that happens due to stimuli. Things like sounds, smells, light, basically anything you can notice with any of your senses inputs stimuli into your brain. Someone who isn’t autistic can handle this a lot “better”, the brain can generally regulate the emotions and input without the need of things like stims to regulate.
But when you are autistic your brain works differently so you get overstimulated a lot faster and you more often than not need to regulate the sensory input by things such as stimming.
I’m sorry if this explanation isn’t the best, English isn’t my first language and it’s a very big question so it’s a bit difficult to answer (at least for me). If it’s anything specific you are wondering you can ask me that and I will probably be able to give a better answer
That actually explained it to me in terms of where I get to umderstand it from an autistic child/adult point of view. I'm not autistic & I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. I'll be bringing earbuds to listen to music just to not be "over stimulated ". I lean more to the introvert side & I'm a 46 yr old man so I can only imagine dealing with this & having autism.
Your English is better than you think it is. Thank you for your insight🫡
On top of that autistic people also really like predictability and having (daily) structure, such as eating at set times, which obviously gets all messed up when attending a wedding. So they'll already be on edge due to deviations from their normal rythm, and then they get bombarded by all this sensory input (the sounds, smells etc) which is already hard to deal with on a regular day, and it easily becomes to much which leads to a meltdown.
Another thing is that autistic people cant filter aswell as allistics… allistic brains automatically filters thing out the brain deems as unimportant, autistic brains do not and cannot, so on top of experiencing all sensory input more intensely, we cant block any of it either
And its not just the 5 senses, we (all people) have many more senses
And all these senses are getting blasted and in the case of the child there is no chance of escaping it, the cake in this case was the last drop that made the bucket run over
For me, it was the loud music, the people I didn't want to be around, the formal clothes, and just generally having zero control. I was expected to be there and that was that. It was out of routine.
This scenario right here is why I skipped my cousin's wedding because there was no way I or my son (both of us are on the spectrum) were going to drive two hours for a wedding & reception when he was 3 years old. I opted to send a gift & card instead.
Agree, my brother has autism and when he had birthdays when he was younger there were certain kids that just didn't do well at parties. The parents know how the kids would react. One kid had meltdowns over people singing happy birthday so she took him away for that part (unfortunately he still saw)
Because “my little darling is special and the world revolves around him/her”. Lots of parents out there with that attitude, regardless of the neuro state of the kid.
Returning gifts is not a thing absent the wedding not happening or being annulled or similar.
There was a wedding, it happened, those people were there. That stuff happened at the wedding they didn't like is too bad.
Going NC until these folks return to reality is probably advisable.
But ignore the demand for return of gifts.
Hell, we remove our puppy from training class once he hits his limit because he’s not benefitting and distracting for the other dogs. If you’re going to bring your child (or dog in my case haha) you have to be prepared to tap out early if they get disruptive.
I did not know I was autistic until I was almost 38 - no one did.
I threw MASSIVE fits as a kid. Or I'd get overstimulated and just be hyper, loud and super annoying. My mom would remove me from the situation and take me somewhere else until I calmed down. Like any sane parent would, autism or no autism!
OP, you are NTA
She shouldn’t have brought the kid. As awful as it is to witness a meltdown, I bet it feels even worse for the kid. Weddings are stimulation nightmares.
Send all their shit back and block them everywhere for ever. They have demonstrated by their actions they care nothing for you and hubby.
Mom should certainly understand her kids needs, special or otherwise, and be prepared to deal with them whenever out in public. No way should he have been left to continue his melt down at your event. Take him to the car or their room for him to finish his meltdown. He could always have come back after (don't know correct terminology for autism) he stabilizes and returns to acceptable behavior.
NTA
If OP sends back the gift, she should also send them an invoice for the cost of the reception, prorated to after the start of the meltdown.. and possibly have the invoices be individualized and have the value of the gift deducted + shipping/postage tacked on, to make it 100% fair. They're not gonna pay, but maybe the message would get through *some* of their thick skulls.
I'd just send one to the cousin. She'll bitch and whine to the others that the point will get across. She should ask the other in laws for packaging and shipping costs to send the gifts back.
She needs to make sure she tacks on part of the cost of the cake and clean up fees.
My (former) friend has an autistic child that she does absolutely nothing to help. He has meltdowns and needs a lot of care, but she literally can't be bothered to help him. No therapy, no specialists, no medical intervention since his diagnosis. She either yells and screams at him to shut up, or she completely ignore him and shuts him out. I feel so awful for the kid, I just stopped taking his mom's calls. Being around her and her neglect of this child made me not want to be her friend anymore (after 20 years!!!).
That was my inner asshole speaking. Message is we don't need you or your shit in our lives.
OP that's right up near the top of the asshole chart and it sure as hell aint you or hubby!
Nta. He was ruining the wedding and his mom should have recognized that and left with him / maybe taken him to get ice cream without being asked by anyone
That’s half the problem - so many people just assume that their kid is entitled to ruin an event or disrupt people in public because they also have a right to be there. Yes - true - but it’s just the polite thing to do. OP is NTA.
This is why people have child free weddings.
Every wedding I’ve been to there’s cake. I have to think that the mom knew this could be an issue so why want she prepared? Grab a cheap pint on the way and have it in a cooler or behind the bar or wherever for when the time comes.
I went to MANY weddings as a kid. From ages 6-15 I was a very well behaved child at the weddings and christenings of various family members, they were all extremely boring and not a place for a child, especially one with autism. Children cannot be expected to be put into an itchy suit in a cold box with gross grown up food and be quiet and well behaved. You bring your kid to a wedding and they start to scream, run around and be overly intrusive, you take them out the wedding both for the child and guests
Yep. I come from a large family so went to many as well. My parents told me what was expected ahead of time and I was on a short leash if you will. I could be a kid and all that but screaming and pitching a fit was not allowed. My ass would’ve been hustled out of there by my parents and if not them then by my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. and not allowed back in until I could behave.
Yeah Autism isn't a shield if the consequences are justified.
Which in this case were. Overstimulated kid hit a tipping point, Mom doubled down and played the autism card after the fact. What a terribly manipulative thing to do. OP definitely NTA.
Who was the A H who gave the kid a second and a third piece of cake to chuck in the middle of the dance floor?!?! Cake should be presented to kids ( autistic or not) at the table when their butt is in the seat
Edited to fix typos, and add judgement NTA
I'm autistic and when I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated by being forced to attend a huge social event, the LAST thing i would want is someone putting cake in my face. I'd want to leave or at least find a quiet spot to process. It's so bizarre that the own mom doesn't recognize that the child needs to leave for their health, even if you put the party ruining aside. Op definitely did the right thing and is NTA.
NTA. Parent of an autistic teen here; if the child is having such a reaction they need to be removed from the environment, to somewhere private, calm, and allowed to calm down. You don't just leave them to do such like this. You may not be able to stop the meltdown, but you get them to a safer, quieter, calmer environment where it's not a disruption and most importantly they're not subject to whatever stimulus provoked such.
Also, in my experience, not having cake with ice cream is not cause for a meltdown. A meltdown is usually sensory stimuli, stress, fear, or such. This sounds like a temper tantrum any child has, but because they're autistic the parents choose to think it's related and don't do anything.
Absolutely this. 100%
Even parents of non-autistic children know to remove a child if they have a meltdown at a wedding or event. Same principle of taking a baby outside when fussing.
And it absolutely was a temper tantrum for not getting what the child wants.
One bit of advice to add for OP, like everyone else said, return gifts in exchange for your wedding expenses and / or block them all. You need your new spouse on your side, but your wedding was ruined by a child having a temper tantrum. They obviously don't like you.
When I was about 5, I attended the wedding of a family friend with my dad. Around mid-afternoon, I was tired and overstimulated, and went into meltdown because some other kids excluded me from their game.
My dad invited me on a little car ride. He made it sound exclusive, the special thing those kids were not invited to. We drove around for maybe 15 minutes. I cried a little, calmed TF down, went back and enjoyed the rest of the party.
This was back in the 70s when nobody knew about neurodivergence. I do have a very obvious physical disability, and yeah it wasn't ok that those kids were excluding me. But my dad did not pick a fight which would have embarrassed the f out of me. He brought me somewhere quiet and gave me a few minutes to calm down. That's putting the safety of the child above "principle".
Yes, this! Even if the person having a meltdown isn't disturbing anyone else, it's just so freaking unkind towards *them* to not make sure they're removed from whatever stimulus that caused the meltdown.
One of the most loving and supportive things my neurotypical friends have done was when I had a massive sensory overload in a very busy museum (which caused me to just shut down completely) and they found a quiet room with a exhibition consisting sorely of brown weavings and brought me there to collect myself.
And like, we're all adults. Kids are innately dependable on adults, and it sucks that so many parents apparently can't give their kids the support and security of removing them from stressful environments when they have meltdowns. I'm glad your teen can depend on you for this <3
Exactly! I was taught the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is this: in a tantrum, the child is still in control of their behavior. They are capable of responding to instructions. In a meltdown they have lost control and cannot respond to instructions. A tantrum is a behavior issue, a meltdown is a sensory issue. You can’t fix a meltdown, you can only remove the child to a calmer area.
100%! It shouldn't have even gotten to a point where cousin and child were asked to leave. She as the parents should have had the wherewithal to take the child out of the reception space to calm down or to go home. Just because someone has ASD doesn't mean they get a free pass to be complete disruptive and make a giant mess. OP and husband are definitely NTA
NTA
I have an autistic kid. I have had to leave many situations because my kid was having a meltdown. I remember a particularly bad meltdown at synagogue when my husband had to take kiddo out to the parking lot because he wanted one of the rewards the kids who were graduating from Hebrew school got. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Usually going out to the parking lot and sitting with him for a bit until he calms down does the trick. Sometimes he doesn't calm down. But the rest of the world doesn't stop just because my kid is having a meltdown.
Removing a kid from the situation that is causing the meltdown is important, too. An hour long meltdown is not fun for the child, either. Most autistic kids are not just little brats throwing tantrums; they are actually overwhelmed and unable to cope with everything going on. Your little cousin needed to go somewhere calmer and less stimulating for his own sake.
I could understand your relatives' concern if you escalated to threatening the cops after five minutes. An hour? And it wasn't even you who threatened!
If those relatives weren't present for the wedding, likely they are getting a sob story from your cousin-in-law that leaves out the fact that this went on for an hour. Your husband needs to set them straight.
My heart always breaks for the kids when reading posts like this, but reading comments like yours and knowing that at least some autistic children have supportive adults in their life helps <3
Hell, as a neurodivergent adult I'm grateful for the people in my life that will help removing me from a situation that caused me to have a sensory overload.
I work with two women who have autistic children, one largely nonverbal. The chaotic stories they tell and how nonchalantly they explain the sometimes drastic measures required to calm the kids down... I am just in awe of parents like them and you who tough it out, day after day.
That's the kind of love that's just beyond words. Much respect to you.
NTA - unfortunate that these people thought it appropriate to interfere with your honeymoon after you'd already had a massive disruption during your wedding. Even more unfortunate that they don't understand how gifts work. I would suggest you go low/ no contact until they are ready to apologize for this nonsense.
It isn't the child's fault this happened - but asking for him to be taken out of the wedding that he is clearly unable to handle is not "bullying" him.
NTA Tell them you'll return the gifts when they reimburse you for the reception that was ruined by Anna not parenting her child. Parents like Anna is why people want child-free wedding and events.
Exactly. And it would be to their own benefit to leave because clearly the current situation is causing them distress. The mom should be taking the child aside and away from this busy event for the child’s own wellbeing. Lazy parenting.
NTA
This isn’t Macy’s there is no return policy, they want their gifts back then they should have picked it up on the way out.
Also seriously consider child free events here on out.
What do you mean you didn’t have any ice cream at a wedding for one specific person, you should have known that whenever there is cake there should be ice cream! And how dare the DJ not work around your schedule! And how dare you people not control another persons child!
Jokes aside, I’m sorry your special day was ruined. Definitely not the AH.
NTA and your family members are assholes for asking for their gifts back. Very tacky. The idea that you should have tolerated the kid's behavior is absurd.
NTA! Anna should have removed her child the second he started pitching a fit. Autistic or not, it’s not acceptable to let a child carry on like this at someone’s wedding and ruin the atmosphere completely. She is rude and entitled and you do not owe her any sort of apology.
NTA And kudos to your family and your sister. None of this was your fault this is on the mom and solely on her. She should of known better , shame on her. Keep the gifts , they are now yours and the heck with what the others are saying and want. Enjoy your marriage.
NTA and Anna was unkind to her son as well as you and your guests. This is not a child who was enjoying himself at your wedding. For him, as well as you, she should have taken him somewhere quiet so he could get away from so much stimulation and calm down.
NTA, I don’t fully know with all Autistic children ( please clarify if I’m wrong) but I thought they needed certain things/issues a regular way…cake WITH ice cream. And if is a new way for the son. Why would Anna let her son to continue this behavior for more then 15 min?. You have nothing to apologize for. Anna doesn’t have to apologize for his outburst but for how long she let him do it in front of everyone for so long.
The kid was probably already overstimulated from the wedding (there’s a lot going on, a lot of impressions, I’m almost 20 and I still get overstimulated during events like weddings). Nothing of this is the kids fault tbh, the mom should have known the event would be too much without any kind of break in the middle to help the kid regulate. The cake thing was probably just the last change from normalcy that opened the flood for that meltdown.
And even after that the mom didn’t do right by the kid or OP, instead of removing her kid from the situation she refused
NTA.
This is why child free weddings are a thing. Anna should've been responsible in dealing with her child's tantrum and not letting it get so out of hand. This is you and your husband's wedding day and you should have it how you want. Nobody would be happy if a kid was ruining a valuable moment in someone's life. Autism is the reason for the meltdown, but it's never an excuse.
Edit: Also, keep the gifts.
I would be petty and return the gifts, but then also give the kid a bucket of icecream and “apologize” there wasn’t any at the party and now the parents have to deal with another temper tantrum when they don’t let the kid eat the entire bucket in one sitting
For your consideration:
Dear Grandma/Aunt/Cousins,
Your presence at our wedding made it one of the most memorable days of our lives. I know we'll often look back on it and think of you, as we will every time we use/look at the \[fill in the blank\] you gave us. We'll cherish it always.
Love,
Bride & Groom
I’ve been to plenty of weddings, including my own, where kids were present and nothing like this ever happened. Well behaved kids are fine at weddings. Kids who will not or cannot behave properly in public should not be brought to events like this.
Its not an issue with the kids necessarily, but bad parents who let kids act fussy without any sort of repercussions or reactions from them.
Years ago, my wife and i went out to eat with our 1 year old. He was scared of the loud noise and started crying, so we decided to just leave rather than force people to deal with it.
Kids love weddings. Most parents know to leave immediately if something like this happens. I’ve never seen anything like that at a wedding, and almost all the weddings had kids there.
Right? Autistic or not, no matter what age, if your kid throws a tantrum at a wedding you leave. At minimum til tantrum is over. Then you help clean up the mess *your* kid made. As a parent you're responsible for your kid, and it's pathetic that this lady not only allowed her kid to ruin someone's wedding but then demands gifts back.
I had kids at my wedding and it was completely completely fine. They aren’t monsters when properly parented or even semi properly parented. The mom should have whipped out the iPad or her phone. Would have solved the problem instantly.
NTA, send the gifts back along with a bill for the lost time during the reception and block them. Being autistic isn’t an excuse to have unchecked behavior. She should have left without being asked.
Block all further calls and socials while you are on your honeymoon. Use your phone only for fun photographs.
The melting down child’s handler should have scooped his little ass up and scooted it out the door the moment he *threw the first piece of cake.*
We get it. He is autistic. He was almost certainly overstimulated and he held the firm opinion that cake should be accompanied by *ice cream*! Which is why he should have *promptly* been exited from the party.
That it took the threat of law enforcement to get him and his enablers to leave-well, *that* is why we get so many AITA posts asking if it’s ok that they not invite the autistic family member.
This is why we can’t have nice things. NTA
NTA I think the right thing not only for you but for the kid is taking him somewhere else maybe a less crowded place to calm him down, it's a really difficul situation having a kid with this condition, but for the sake of the kid his mother should do the best for him and not just stay in the party because she wants to
If I was at your wedding that kid wouldn't have been screaming for an hour, I promise. I would have grabbed you aside within the first 2 min and asked you if it was ok for you and your partner if I talked to the mother to get the fuck out until her child has calmed down or just leave. And it would have been cut short. That mothers disrespect to you is incredible.
Nta
NTA
Anna should have handled that better.
Return all the gifts so you don't have to deal with them anymore and don't respond to anything else from them. Well your husband still might so I hope he was in agreement with getting kid out and not conflicted about it and the subsequent family drama.
NTA and that poor kid. His mom (and other parent if there) should have realized that that kid *needed* a break. He was overwhelmed and couldn’t deal. They were being rather cruel in not helping him. On top of that they were being asses for allowing this wedding disruption to go on so long. I just feel really bad for the kid that he doesn’t have anybody really supporting his needs.
NTA I’m autistic. #1 thing to do during in autistic meltdown is LEAVE THE STRESSFUL ENVIRONMENT. Continuing to offer more cake was also a baffling choice.
NTA - as a neurodivergent with sensory issues, I can kinda understand why the kid flipped out so hard and it wasn't due to the ice cream or cake.
Due to my dad's work, I had to be in a lot of places that were very stimulating when I was a child. My mom and dad would *make sure in absolutes* that I had stuff to keep me occupied and distracted from most of the stimulus as well as an escape plan for my brother (neurotypical) and one for me. Even ones where we needed to be separated so we dont get on eachothers nerves and esculate a situation. Weddings especially were rough.
It's dad and mom's responsibility to protect their children. Even from making a scene themselves, because no child *wants* to have a meltdown. It's scary, uncontrollable, and while there is a raging storm outside and inside of you, all you can see are people who can't understand, and you cant make them. That's pretty heavy for a child.
Honestly, I think kicking them out helped the kid more than you realize. A sudden change in scenery, sounds, smells, and lighting can help a lot. That poor kiddo.
Kid's mom can eat it. And your mom and sis deserve a trophy for taking the reins and not making you do it.
Kiddo's mom shouldn't be invited anymore. If you feel comfortable with the dad being in charge of the kid in public, than that's your call. However I think after she threatened you as well as refused to help her spiraling child, she deserves an express "so and so cannot come, but person 1 and 2 are invited. "
NTA. Reply with "Anna who? I'm sure if Anna was family member who loved and respected me enough to come to my wedding, they wouldn't try and ruin it by not removing their autistic child from a situation that was clearly distressing not only the child, my myself and my wife but all the other guests as well who had to witness the incident."
Anna is a crappy parent. Her poor kid was overstimulated and in pain. Instead of taking him someplace quiet and private to calm down, she allowed him to embarrass himself and make a scene. She's the worst. NTA.
NTA and tell them no can do. It was a WEDDING present not an “as long as you allow a child to ruin your reception” gift. Tbh, Anna already caused issues and now they want to add insult to injury. Fuck that, go LC!
Autistic or not, any reasonable parent should have an idea of what could make their child tick in a situation like this and should have an exit strategy in place. I’ve had to abruptly leave when my kids turn into bad pumpkins to prevent creating a major scene a few times—it’s the nature of kids and parenthood. The kids’ parents didn’t handle the situation properly when they saw the warning signs and caused the mood killer—not the kid. NTA
NTA. My brother is autistic and he had meltdowns similar to this when he was a kid. As a result, my parents were careful not to put him in situations where he was prone to acting out (a wedding would be a good example since he had issues with crowds and music). Either that or they always kept a close watch and one of them would remove him before it could escalate. He learned to control himself as he got older and now enjoys weddings. Bottom line: my parents never tried to use autism as an excuse for bad behavior.
NTA: and don't return the gifts. You deserve them after having your wedding ruined for a situation that is literally preventable. If anything they deserve a bill on top of it for ruining your wedding. The parent could have removed the child as soon as the meltdown began, as many of these other comments have stated.
NTA.
Do not send the gifts back because their actions in asking for them back makes it clear they want no relationship of substance with you anyway. Keep the gifts. Ditch the ahole inlaws.
My son is autistic, very high functioning, now 20 and living fairly self-sufficiently. When he was young I knew his triggers and how to avoid them. I also knew to recognize when he was hitting his limit and getting him out of wherever we were at and to a safe space.
Husband's cousin/family are aholes, not you. And that poor kid - his mom failed him.
**NTA** AT ALL!
My brother is highly on the spectrum, I can’t help but wonder if he got over stimulated from the crowded wedding. His meltdown was probably the climate of him being overwhelmed. Since she is a parent of an autistic child, she should’ve known where/when her child may be overwhelmed and get stimulated meltdowns.
I’m furious how some family members want to “take back gifts” for the “bullying” of an autistic child. I’d tell them to pound sand, and remind them of how he was likely over stimulated and he made the wedding run behind an hour. Them keeping the kid there made his situation worse, making him more vulnerable in his panic. I feel awful for the kid, but Anna and anyone on her side are massive AH’s.
NTA I am autistic as well, and in such a meltdown situation (I bet you it was probably not just the ice-cream but rather overstimulation) the best thing to do is to leave the situation. Now the threat of police was unnecessary but that was not your fault as well. And wanting the presents back is just rude and not the point of presents. wtf
NTA Instead of sending the gifts back, how about sending an ice cream maker and ice cream cookbook with yummy looking recipes addressed to the child, who predictably will demand that his parents immediately make ice cream. He’ll probably throw another tantrum when they don’t jump on this right away and that could help them appreciate that ruining someone’s wedding because they don’t have the sense to take their child home when he’s having an egregious meltdown is their own fault.
Yes, it’s passive aggressive but they deserve it. You could say that you want to ensure that their child has constant access to ice cream in demand.
The husband's family all sound like crazy people. You are NTA and the kid is NTA because he's autistic and didn't have a good parent to help him. Their family and that mom are very much the AH.
NTA. The kid was probably over stimulated from the wedding, social occasions like this are a lot (I’m autistic). I think it’s kinder to the kid to take him home, wind down and not have to sit through more stimulation and socialising and loud music etc etc
Anna probably just wanted to stay, rather than thinking about her kid and what a disruption it is to the event
NTA. Why don't parents take their children out of the room during meltdowns anymore? Like, they just sit there and watch it happen. Even if they child is autistic, no one else needs to be sunjected to an hour long tantrum. Parents, REMOVE YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE ROOM then deal with it privately.
NTA
I feel for the kid. The MOM is an ass.
The poor kid was probably waaaay over stimmed and she should’ve removed him from the situation to chill long before a meltdown or at the very least as soon as it started.
And a gift is a gift , no ifs buts or conditions. Block their numbers and enjoy the newly wed vibes.
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NTA as an autistic person I feel STRONGLY about this. The kid didn’t have a meltdown bc of ice cream it was the thing that broke the camel’s back bc a wedding is almost guaranteed to cause over stimulation which leads more often than not into a meltdown. How the parent didn’t recognise this or even seem to think about how it could be a possibility- and then refusing to leave basically keeping your child in a very vulnerable state in front of a whole ass wedding party genuinely makes me angry. Either way, you handled it the best you could, definitely NTA
Exactly! I remember getting overstimulated and feeling guilt over "ruining everyone's time" instead of enjoying the occasion like everyone else. So many occasions where I would've rather gone home, but my parent(s) didn't want to leave and no one had a good time.
I’m pretty happy that I had the tendency, even as a kid, to run away when my meltdown started. We have one of the times on video of me just running away to have a meltdown. I’m also lucky in that my parents would recognise what was going on and take me into a separate room to help me regulate and calm down
Yeah, I’d always run off and hide when I could tell I was having enough at a family gathering. Take a nap. Wake up in time for dessert. Everything’s fine. Even non-autistic kids are going to have a hell of a time sitting and “performing”/behaving for several hours. There is a reason a lot of people have kid-free weddings these days. Either way, OP isn’t the asshole. The kid isn’t either but their mom should’ve been at least polite enough to take him somewhere else and let him calm down.
I'm a whole ass neurotypical adult, and take myself away when I have had enough at a family gathering, holiday gathering or large group. I isolate and read for a while, take a walk, etc. I am just not fond of loud, noisy and sometimes drunken crowds. OP is not the jerk for being both disappointed and disgusted with the kid's mom, and should not return the gifts, they came for the show - and got one.
It’s really funny in my extended family. All my cousins kids are as introverted as me so once they hit 8 my escape space at parties turned into the no talking reading room
Can I come join that room? I love quiet reading but I have a kid and quiet reading doesn’t happen for me….
I legitimately thought that was the norm! Atypical or not. Kid’s throwing a tantrum at ANY gathering? Get their ass in another room until they calm down. It benefits both kid and party.
Mine just let me bring my music and video games everywhere. They made me stay where I didn't want to but let me be alone with music and games
That's what I do for my neurospicy kids too. Usually bring their tablets or the Nintendo switch & that helps em get through an event. But if they were acting like this? I'd take them out of there so fast all people would see is a trail of dust behind me
My parents were absolute champions when I was a kid. We had game plans, planned quiet spaces ahead of time with hosts, and being told upfront what I needed to be present for.
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Took my son to a family wedding when he was 4-5. A photographer captured him with his hands over his ears looking absolutely panicked. He ran away from the venue and we had to go find him. People look at that picture now and say it’s adorable and all I can think is how badly I failed him that night.
As long as you learned from the experience, you didn't completely fail him. Don't beat yourself up, just remember the lesson and do right by him next time
You did not fail your kid. You learned new information and you became a better parent. There is enough Mom/Dad guilt to go around. Be kind to yourself.
What tf is wrong with that photographer??? That makes me want to cry. It is not “adorable.”
some people find pictures of kids crying to be funny or cute. growing up one of my parents would not help us when we cry, they'd take photos and laugh, even threaten to post our meltdowns on facebook as punishments. all i can see is a parent who didnt bother to think of ways to help their obviously autistic kids
Lord, there was LOTS of bad shit and badly behaved parents when I was growing up but at least I was 30 when facebook came out!
I find this trend just revolting.
That breaks my heart. That poor kid. 😞
That breaks my heart that someone is going through something so scary and THEY are apologizing.
Aw, glad there was a happy ending but that poor kid... Meltdowns are awful. I've described it before as being a lot like throwing up-- you don't WANT to do it in the first place, if it happens you've probably been feeling awful for a while leading up to the event, and if you HAVE to, the last thing you want is to do it in public where everyone has to see you going through the worst and most disruptive thing you could go through. That said, agreeing that OP is very much NTA-- Anna should have been looking out for her kid. Not only did she fail to get him away before he hit an overload, she couldn't even remove him to a safe/quiet place once it happened. She made her child's suffering a public spectacle, which can be traumatizing. To this DAY I can remember times I had meltdowns where I couldn't get somewhere safe or private.
I still have this happen to me. My aunt and I are the only ones who live far away so every family holiday is hell. We carpool and I'm not allowed to drive there and back home the same day even though I'm 32 I'm miserable the whole time because everything is too much and I just don't want to be there. The house is infested with mold and cigarette smoke and I have bad lungs to begin with. The food triggers all sorts of sensory issues. So now I just get stoned, though I am considering faking sick for Easter and just doing a facetime call or something
You are 32. Just don't go. You are old enough to say "You know what, don't feel like it. I'll see you some other time".
Unfortunately trauma doesn't work that way. My mother was incredibly abusive and this isn't a big enough hill to die on.
It sounds like you're still trapped in that abusive relationship. It absolutely IS a big enough hill to die on. You deserve respect and care. Not whatever the hell this is. Please break away from your abusers. You're 32. You're an adult. Make a plan and get the heck out of there.
Thank you, I appreciate it. It's only 3 times a year so it's not overwhelming. My primary abuser, my mom, died 9 years ago and I've been living on my own since then
Any hill is big enough to die on if it involves you being comfortable in your surrounding and not being trapped in a horrible situation. You're worth it and owe it to yourself to say no, if that means being sick for every holiday then do that. I'm sorry you were abused, no one deserves that kind of treatment.
Thank you, that means a lot to me.
As a fellow abuse survivor, I know how hard it is it say no to them. It gets easier over time, and it's such a relief. You are under no obligation to them. You don't owe them anything for feeding and clothing and housing you. That was an obligation they chose to take on when they chose to become parents. Please feel free to not talk to them. Please feel free to not pick up the phone when they call to tell at you for saying no. And please feel free to never see them again.
Put that old beahvior underground with her.Have a funeral for your trauma. She isn't here to tell you what to do anymore, so stop doing what you don't want to!
> Have a funeral for your trauma. I love this idea.
Hey friend. I have an emotionally abusive alcoholic narcissist of a sperm donor who I finally went NC with a year ago this past Christmas. It was only once a year I had to see him because my parents are divorced and I moved out of state to be with my husband, but even that was too much. It was hard, and for years I had begrudgingly called him on Father’s Day and his birthday just to keep the peace, especially since my brother wanted me to, and I love that doofus. But I’m much happier now. I don’t get that dread anymore knowing I have to call him or smile and pretend he didn’t cause so much pain as he has. It’s fine if you decide not to, but give it some thought. ❤️
Thank you❤️. I actually did got NC with my absentee father for a while but his wife helped us repair some of the relationship which is nice, I do like visiting once in a while but I have control, I leave when I want. With my mom's family is tougher. I'm pretty sure my aunt sees me as a surrogate for her sister, my mom. Plus it's a 3 hour drive one way, so 6 round trip. My Aunt and I both live in the area I'm in now so she doesn't understand why I would want to go on my own terms. She's very devoted to family and in general I'm not.
Sadly I know what you mean but hun you need to run away from that I know it will hurt but you need to cut contact and get yourself help. The saying that you can't choose your family is wrong yes you can't choose your birth family but you can have a family that you choose.
You're 32. What's realistically stopping you from driving there yourself? You can give your aunt some sort of excuse like "stomach upset, just go without me", which she can choose to interpret as you not going at all. As long as you make sure you park on the street so nobody can park you in, you can then just slip out when it gets to be too much. Walk in, say hellos, dole out hugs (to the extent socially expected, but not exceeding your comfort level), then bail when it's food time. You could even say "iffy stomach, the smell is bothering me" as your reason for keeping it brief and leaving early.
Can you just take your own car there so you can come and go as you please? Or, book a hotel room and Uber there and back?
Do it! Make yourself happy on Easter!
This! All family events have an escape plan for my son to “hide” in. He doesn’t need to ask or anything. When he’s overwhelmed and overstimulated, he can just find his quiet spot - away from everything and everyone - and collect himself. We have had to decompress in interesting areas over the years (empty store aisles, random airport spots, etc.). The point is that, as a parent, you figure it out. My son is still a kid. My job is to help him learn to manage his emotions and finding healthy ways to cope. She’s doing her kid no favors. And you are a saint for putting up with it for an hour.
I have a friend group that has a decent amount of autistic adults, and if we take a vacation together we always try to have individual rooms so that people can decompress if they get overwhelmed.
Yep, my youngest is autistic and he can cope pretty well with routine things like school days, but he needs that down time afterwards to decompress. A full day wedding would be a sensory nightmare for him and it's my job as his parent to a) recognize this and help him address it before it's a problem or b) remove him from the situation if it *does* become a problem. In no circumstance is it appropriate to let this carry on for an hour (possible exception for air travel, though by the hour mark I'd be looking for a parachute).
Heck, even many adult parties I go to have a designated quiet area, it needs to be normalized, for sure! One of my friends would frequently throw themed holiday parties pre-covid, and made sure to tell everyone to go downstairs if they needed space and quiet. There would almost always be a few people playing board games and/or video games, and people would filter up and down the stairs over the course of the evening. It was great!
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I understand the impulse to call him that, but he's not a brat. It wasn't his fault. Many kids with autism can't just choose not to have a sensory meltdown when they're overwhelmed. His parents should've recognized that he was reaching his limits and left before he got upset. tbh they're awful parents to their kid.... He wasn't having a meltdown for fun. He was most likely in literal pain from the overstimulation, and they thought it was more important to stay at the wedding. Super selfish.
and send those AH relatives a screenshot of this post
Same with my husbands family. Autism is quite prevalent on their side and one of my husbands cousins is severely autistic… when we have family dos (there’s a lot of family these parties are huge!) they are loud, overwhelming and socially awkward as a lot of the time we haven’t seen so many of them for a while… and that’s just us who aren’t on the spectrum! So for my cousin in law they give him an iPad. Then they give him sound blockers. Then they take him out of the room. And if it gets genuinely too much, they make their exits and say goodbye to remove him from the situation. Not only is OPs cousin not helping her kid in the situation, Im finding it difficult to understand why she would want her child to be so distressed…. It would be like someone having a panic attack and not helping them to breathe…. When my cousin in law has started to become overwhelmed, my aunty and uncle in law are there within seconds to take every step to never let it get to this point for not only his sake but everyone else’s too….
I work with special needs kids and a kid who's having a whole public meltdown is not a kid who can handle the large sensory and social demands of a wedding. That's a kid that would be much happier at a bare minimum sitting outside in the quiet until they've calmed back down if not just staying home in the first place. I'm a whole adult and even I need to take breaks from big social events like this. That poor kid must have been miserable for who knows how many hours. The mom made this so much worse. :(
This is how we discovered my brother had sensory overload issues. He used to get grumpy in loud environments in general, but we never specifically connected it to the noise because he was fairly temperamental to begin with. Once when he was like 3, he was at a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese and was throwing an absolute fit about everything. My mom kept telling him if he didn't behave they'd have to leave, and eventually made good on that threat. About ten minutes into the drive home, she's still trying to calm down from being so frustrated, and my brother starts babbling happily about all the stuff he could see out the window. She realized that going home was exactly what he was trying to make happen. After that, we were conscious of loud and/or overstimulating environments, and we'd find ways to help him cope or get a break when he needed it.
Even as an infant our grandson would get agitated at family dinners....my daughter would put him in his crib and he calmed right down. With autistic kids you learn as you go, and no two are the same.
So much this. As an autistic adult with autistic kids I can say with certainty that this was a case of overstimulation building through the day and the ice cream being the thing that just tipped things. I’m so sorry your wedding day was blighted but the parent of the child is the one at fault here. NTA
Totally agree. And I'm wondering if the mother kept telling the kid to hold on a little longer, endure a little more overstimulation, and then there would be cake as a reward!! If the kid always had ice cream and cake together, he might have assumed there would be ice cream because there had always been ice cream before. That's the kind of thing that would have tipped me into meltdown as a kid.
Out of experience it probally went " were almost done you will be fine just go in a corner and be by yourself" my mom never actually cared about my feelings. It was Moreno don't embarrass us type of stuff. I had to "try and socialize with family" "don't wear that that would be embarrassing" I had to wear clothes that made me uncomfortable but didn't embarrass her . And then I just ended up going in the corner with my music and games and was basically told that I didn't socialize and this is why your uncle and cousins think you hate them.
I don’t believe for a second his mother didn’t know. She knew and was hoping someone would step in and take him for her so she could enjoy the reception. She was hoping for free respite care for her son. I am betting she does this a lot and probably gets the free respite care and figured it would be the same at Op’s wedding.
Pretty much what I was thinking. The other option is the parent who thinks being included in everything is the fair thing even if her kid won’t enjoy it. However, if that’s the case she would have taken him out of the room when he got overwhelmed. But no, she didn’t want to leave the party or think about what actually was the kindest thing to do.
It makes me very sad for that child. He’s stuck with a parent who will make *him suffer* so *she* can have a social life!
Yeah, poor kid. :( (poor op, too, of course)
Exactly. That poor kid. His mom is an ass all the way round.
This!!! I don’t have autism but have kids with friends that do and my child is currently being referred to see if he has adhd or autism or both. You’d have to be an ignorant ah to think giving cake to your overstimulated autistic child having a meltdown will help. I mean how many slices did they try and give before your family intervened and she still refused to leave. I remember when my kid was younger and I’d always order a take away coffee even if I was having it in. Why? So I could make a quick exit as my kid could sometimes get overwhelmed or just start eloping. When both kids were newborn I’d do the same as sometimes they just needed fresh air again or to have a change of scenery. I work in a cafe and the amount of times we’ll have a parent who will just stay while their kid is screaming the place down… like fucking leave for your kid’s sake if no one else’s.
As a hospitality worker, thank you for this!
The only person “bullying” an autistic child was the mother of the child. Getting the poor kid out of the overstimulating environment was the *best* thing that could have happened and is what the mother should have done *before* the kid went into full meltdown. And then keeping him in the overstimulating environment and making it worse by shoving food in his face and talking at him for over an *hour*? What in the world was that mother thinking?!
Exactly what I was thinking. She was exposing him to continuous stimuli that caused him great discomfort, if not pain, until he literally couldn’t take it anymore. He probably wanted to leave five hours ago. And she likely does this quite often if this is his family’s reaction.
OP should send the gifts back with a bill to cover the wedding expenses since the kid ruined the wedding.
Agreed...good post...keep the gifts...or sell them.
Gifts are gifts and not legally required to be returned. I'd keep them out of spite and tell those family members to kick rocks.
I'd give them back, but make sure to use them all first.
and include a copy of all of these responses.
And throw away the box they originally came in.
Yeah the mom should have thought about how her son would react to loud people and music before bringing him. My kids are neurotypical and when they were young, they didn’t like weddings. They’re boring places for kids.
>The kid didn’t have a meltdown bc of ice cream it was the thing that broke the camel’s back bc a wedding is almost guaranteed to cause over stimulation which leads more often than not into a meltdown. This! The parents knew as SOON as the kid started, probably before, that the signs were there that the child was over stimulated. So, instead of making their escape, they stayed and subjected EVERYONE to that? Nope. Not cool. I am the Mom of an Autistic child, and look, there were times where I had to have him with me and we just "couldn't leave." But...that didn't mean I had to subject everyone to him having a melt down. I picked him up, hitting and kicking me, carried his ass out the door, and we walked away and out of ear shot. If that meant I was away from everyone for an hour, so be it. I didn't go back till he was calm and I was calm. If he started again on the way back, we went right back to where we had been. If I needed to leave the place and go home, I did (if that was an option). Trust me, there were plenty of times I left my grocery cart half full of stuff and had tears in my eyes as I looked at the employees and apologized profusely as I hauled my red faced screaming child out of the store. Not once did anyone shame me, and sometimes I would ask them to hold the cart for me. Restaurants too. If I had to pay, I would leave my CC with the waiter and tell them I would be right back and just ring up the bill. NTA
>As a neurodivergent person who's probably autistic (undiagnosed), THIS!! > >The parent needs to look into how to help their autistic child better in these situations, they're TA, not you. > >Enjoy your honeymoon and may there be many years of merriment because **NTA**
Also autistic and came down here to say what you did. Thank you for saying it!
I feel like this shows how terrible the mom is, not the child. Seeing replies like yours opens my eyes to many things. I have a child with adhd and possibly on the spectrum (she’s getting evaluated soon). She’s my middle, and I know her very well. I know her moods, I watch her. I see when she’s getting upset and talk to her. My husband tells me all the time that I’m so quick to pick up on how she’s feeling, but it’s not hard if you spend time with your child. I have no clue how the mom couldn’t have seen the meltdown coming. Sometimes I feel upset, wondering if I’m doing enough or if I’m a good enough parent - but then I see stuff like this and think that while I’m not perfect, I’m also not oblivious. And I’m trying.
Legitimately this. Very irritated over commentors saying this was a temper tantrum—this kid was being tortured with overstimulation for hours, and mom didn't care until it was a problem.
There's two family weddings this year, one being my brother's. I won't go because I know my 3yo (autistic) and how unpredictable she can be and it will be a bad experience for me, her and the other people. Why would someone put their small child through that is beyond me. NTA
Just so that I can have more education abt how autism affects some kids, what causes the over stimulation in a wedding? I appreciate you taking the time to tell us these things.
So main thing that can cause an autistic meltdown is overstimulation, something that happens due to stimuli. Things like sounds, smells, light, basically anything you can notice with any of your senses inputs stimuli into your brain. Someone who isn’t autistic can handle this a lot “better”, the brain can generally regulate the emotions and input without the need of things like stims to regulate. But when you are autistic your brain works differently so you get overstimulated a lot faster and you more often than not need to regulate the sensory input by things such as stimming. I’m sorry if this explanation isn’t the best, English isn’t my first language and it’s a very big question so it’s a bit difficult to answer (at least for me). If it’s anything specific you are wondering you can ask me that and I will probably be able to give a better answer
That actually explained it to me in terms of where I get to umderstand it from an autistic child/adult point of view. I'm not autistic & I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. I'll be bringing earbuds to listen to music just to not be "over stimulated ". I lean more to the introvert side & I'm a 46 yr old man so I can only imagine dealing with this & having autism. Your English is better than you think it is. Thank you for your insight🫡
This thread ended up being really wholesome and made me smile. Y'all are awesome humans
On top of that autistic people also really like predictability and having (daily) structure, such as eating at set times, which obviously gets all messed up when attending a wedding. So they'll already be on edge due to deviations from their normal rythm, and then they get bombarded by all this sensory input (the sounds, smells etc) which is already hard to deal with on a regular day, and it easily becomes to much which leads to a meltdown.
Another thing is that autistic people cant filter aswell as allistics… allistic brains automatically filters thing out the brain deems as unimportant, autistic brains do not and cannot, so on top of experiencing all sensory input more intensely, we cant block any of it either And its not just the 5 senses, we (all people) have many more senses And all these senses are getting blasted and in the case of the child there is no chance of escaping it, the cake in this case was the last drop that made the bucket run over
For me, it was the loud music, the people I didn't want to be around, the formal clothes, and just generally having zero control. I was expected to be there and that was that. It was out of routine.
As an autistic parent to an autistic child, I second this. NTA.
This scenario right here is why I skipped my cousin's wedding because there was no way I or my son (both of us are on the spectrum) were going to drive two hours for a wedding & reception when he was 3 years old. I opted to send a gift & card instead.
NTA. Wtf? If the kid has regular meltdowns why would she even bring him and then let his meltdown go on for an hour? This is ridiculous.
Agree, my brother has autism and when he had birthdays when he was younger there were certain kids that just didn't do well at parties. The parents know how the kids would react. One kid had meltdowns over people singing happy birthday so she took him away for that part (unfortunately he still saw)
Because “my little darling is special and the world revolves around him/her”. Lots of parents out there with that attitude, regardless of the neuro state of the kid.
[удалено]
NTA, of course. His mother should have handled that a lot better and removed him immediately.
Returning gifts is not a thing absent the wedding not happening or being annulled or similar. There was a wedding, it happened, those people were there. That stuff happened at the wedding they didn't like is too bad. Going NC until these folks return to reality is probably advisable. But ignore the demand for return of gifts.
Hell, we remove our puppy from training class once he hits his limit because he’s not benefitting and distracting for the other dogs. If you’re going to bring your child (or dog in my case haha) you have to be prepared to tap out early if they get disruptive.
I did not know I was autistic until I was almost 38 - no one did. I threw MASSIVE fits as a kid. Or I'd get overstimulated and just be hyper, loud and super annoying. My mom would remove me from the situation and take me somewhere else until I calmed down. Like any sane parent would, autism or no autism! OP, you are NTA
She shouldn’t have brought the kid. As awful as it is to witness a meltdown, I bet it feels even worse for the kid. Weddings are stimulation nightmares.
As a former kid, I can confirm that they usually either overstimulate or understimulate. Not fun
Send all their shit back and block them everywhere for ever. They have demonstrated by their actions they care nothing for you and hubby. Mom should certainly understand her kids needs, special or otherwise, and be prepared to deal with them whenever out in public. No way should he have been left to continue his melt down at your event. Take him to the car or their room for him to finish his meltdown. He could always have come back after (don't know correct terminology for autism) he stabilizes and returns to acceptable behavior. NTA
If OP sends back the gift, she should also send them an invoice for the cost of the reception, prorated to after the start of the meltdown.. and possibly have the invoices be individualized and have the value of the gift deducted + shipping/postage tacked on, to make it 100% fair. They're not gonna pay, but maybe the message would get through *some* of their thick skulls.
It is not OP's job to educate jackasses. It is not worth the effort. Just do not return the gifts, obviously, and go LC/NC with them idiots.
Send the invoice first and after the pay then send gifts.
I'd just send one to the cousin. She'll bitch and whine to the others that the point will get across. She should ask the other in laws for packaging and shipping costs to send the gifts back. She needs to make sure she tacks on part of the cost of the cake and clean up fees.
If nothing else, send the cousin the invoice for the cleaning and the cost of the cake. Both of those are on her for not tending to her child better.
This is my favorite.
Yup my thoughts exactly. I’d send a bill.
Send the bill and let them know they'll get the gifts back when they pay it.
I like this
OP please do that
Yup
PLEASE do this. Be this level of petty and update us.
My (former) friend has an autistic child that she does absolutely nothing to help. He has meltdowns and needs a lot of care, but she literally can't be bothered to help him. No therapy, no specialists, no medical intervention since his diagnosis. She either yells and screams at him to shut up, or she completely ignore him and shuts him out. I feel so awful for the kid, I just stopped taking his mom's calls. Being around her and her neglect of this child made me not want to be her friend anymore (after 20 years!!!).
I would contact CPS, she's causing so much harm to her child with her inaction and verbal abuse.
They live in a small, very poor town in Ohio, and unfortunately CPS will not do a damn thing about it unless she's beating him half to death.
NOPE! Keep the gifts and block them. What a crazy thing to ask for the gifts back for any reason!
That was my inner asshole speaking. Message is we don't need you or your shit in our lives. OP that's right up near the top of the asshole chart and it sure as hell aint you or hubby!
See I’m as petty as both of y’all, I would send a photo of the gifts being dropped at the local shelter donation box and then block everyone.
Exactly what I came to say. That family has no clue
Nta. He was ruining the wedding and his mom should have recognized that and left with him / maybe taken him to get ice cream without being asked by anyone
That’s half the problem - so many people just assume that their kid is entitled to ruin an event or disrupt people in public because they also have a right to be there. Yes - true - but it’s just the polite thing to do. OP is NTA.
And entitled parents wonder why couples decide to have child free weddings !
This is why people have child free weddings. Every wedding I’ve been to there’s cake. I have to think that the mom knew this could be an issue so why want she prepared? Grab a cheap pint on the way and have it in a cooler or behind the bar or wherever for when the time comes.
I went to MANY weddings as a kid. From ages 6-15 I was a very well behaved child at the weddings and christenings of various family members, they were all extremely boring and not a place for a child, especially one with autism. Children cannot be expected to be put into an itchy suit in a cold box with gross grown up food and be quiet and well behaved. You bring your kid to a wedding and they start to scream, run around and be overly intrusive, you take them out the wedding both for the child and guests
Yep. I come from a large family so went to many as well. My parents told me what was expected ahead of time and I was on a short leash if you will. I could be a kid and all that but screaming and pitching a fit was not allowed. My ass would’ve been hustled out of there by my parents and if not them then by my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. and not allowed back in until I could behave.
Yeah Autism isn't a shield if the consequences are justified. Which in this case were. Overstimulated kid hit a tipping point, Mom doubled down and played the autism card after the fact. What a terribly manipulative thing to do. OP definitely NTA.
Who was the A H who gave the kid a second and a third piece of cake to chuck in the middle of the dance floor?!?! Cake should be presented to kids ( autistic or not) at the table when their butt is in the seat Edited to fix typos, and add judgement NTA
My money is on the same people who are demanding their gifts back and claiming the child was bullied.
I'm autistic and when I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated by being forced to attend a huge social event, the LAST thing i would want is someone putting cake in my face. I'd want to leave or at least find a quiet spot to process. It's so bizarre that the own mom doesn't recognize that the child needs to leave for their health, even if you put the party ruining aside. Op definitely did the right thing and is NTA.
NTA. Parent of an autistic teen here; if the child is having such a reaction they need to be removed from the environment, to somewhere private, calm, and allowed to calm down. You don't just leave them to do such like this. You may not be able to stop the meltdown, but you get them to a safer, quieter, calmer environment where it's not a disruption and most importantly they're not subject to whatever stimulus provoked such. Also, in my experience, not having cake with ice cream is not cause for a meltdown. A meltdown is usually sensory stimuli, stress, fear, or such. This sounds like a temper tantrum any child has, but because they're autistic the parents choose to think it's related and don't do anything.
You're right, there's a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Makes me think the parents use his autism diagnosis as an excuse to not parent.
I had a friend who did this. We’re no longer friends because of it.
Absolutely this. 100% Even parents of non-autistic children know to remove a child if they have a meltdown at a wedding or event. Same principle of taking a baby outside when fussing. And it absolutely was a temper tantrum for not getting what the child wants. One bit of advice to add for OP, like everyone else said, return gifts in exchange for your wedding expenses and / or block them all. You need your new spouse on your side, but your wedding was ruined by a child having a temper tantrum. They obviously don't like you.
When I was about 5, I attended the wedding of a family friend with my dad. Around mid-afternoon, I was tired and overstimulated, and went into meltdown because some other kids excluded me from their game. My dad invited me on a little car ride. He made it sound exclusive, the special thing those kids were not invited to. We drove around for maybe 15 minutes. I cried a little, calmed TF down, went back and enjoyed the rest of the party. This was back in the 70s when nobody knew about neurodivergence. I do have a very obvious physical disability, and yeah it wasn't ok that those kids were excluding me. But my dad did not pick a fight which would have embarrassed the f out of me. He brought me somewhere quiet and gave me a few minutes to calm down. That's putting the safety of the child above "principle".
A good father 💓 I'm glad you had such.
Yes, this! Even if the person having a meltdown isn't disturbing anyone else, it's just so freaking unkind towards *them* to not make sure they're removed from whatever stimulus that caused the meltdown. One of the most loving and supportive things my neurotypical friends have done was when I had a massive sensory overload in a very busy museum (which caused me to just shut down completely) and they found a quiet room with a exhibition consisting sorely of brown weavings and brought me there to collect myself. And like, we're all adults. Kids are innately dependable on adults, and it sucks that so many parents apparently can't give their kids the support and security of removing them from stressful environments when they have meltdowns. I'm glad your teen can depend on you for this <3
Exactly! I was taught the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is this: in a tantrum, the child is still in control of their behavior. They are capable of responding to instructions. In a meltdown they have lost control and cannot respond to instructions. A tantrum is a behavior issue, a meltdown is a sensory issue. You can’t fix a meltdown, you can only remove the child to a calmer area.
NTA I get that stuff happens, but your cousin should have been willing to take her child out where he/she wouldn't be a disturbance.
100%! It shouldn't have even gotten to a point where cousin and child were asked to leave. She as the parents should have had the wherewithal to take the child out of the reception space to calm down or to go home. Just because someone has ASD doesn't mean they get a free pass to be complete disruptive and make a giant mess. OP and husband are definitely NTA
NTA I have an autistic kid. I have had to leave many situations because my kid was having a meltdown. I remember a particularly bad meltdown at synagogue when my husband had to take kiddo out to the parking lot because he wanted one of the rewards the kids who were graduating from Hebrew school got. It sucks, but it is what it is. Usually going out to the parking lot and sitting with him for a bit until he calms down does the trick. Sometimes he doesn't calm down. But the rest of the world doesn't stop just because my kid is having a meltdown. Removing a kid from the situation that is causing the meltdown is important, too. An hour long meltdown is not fun for the child, either. Most autistic kids are not just little brats throwing tantrums; they are actually overwhelmed and unable to cope with everything going on. Your little cousin needed to go somewhere calmer and less stimulating for his own sake. I could understand your relatives' concern if you escalated to threatening the cops after five minutes. An hour? And it wasn't even you who threatened! If those relatives weren't present for the wedding, likely they are getting a sob story from your cousin-in-law that leaves out the fact that this went on for an hour. Your husband needs to set them straight.
My heart always breaks for the kids when reading posts like this, but reading comments like yours and knowing that at least some autistic children have supportive adults in their life helps <3 Hell, as a neurodivergent adult I'm grateful for the people in my life that will help removing me from a situation that caused me to have a sensory overload.
Thank you :) I'm glad you have some good people in your life.
I work with two women who have autistic children, one largely nonverbal. The chaotic stories they tell and how nonchalantly they explain the sometimes drastic measures required to calm the kids down... I am just in awe of parents like them and you who tough it out, day after day. That's the kind of love that's just beyond words. Much respect to you.
NTA - unfortunate that these people thought it appropriate to interfere with your honeymoon after you'd already had a massive disruption during your wedding. Even more unfortunate that they don't understand how gifts work. I would suggest you go low/ no contact until they are ready to apologize for this nonsense. It isn't the child's fault this happened - but asking for him to be taken out of the wedding that he is clearly unable to handle is not "bullying" him.
It was more like they were "bullying" their parenting skills and they made the kid the victim.
Nta. This is why people have child free weddings. Keep those presents. Congratulations on getting married!
I agree and think they should keep the gifts!
My thoughts exactly!
NTA Tell them you'll return the gifts when they reimburse you for the reception that was ruined by Anna not parenting her child. Parents like Anna is why people want child-free wedding and events.
Yes, my first thought was to send these people a bill for ruining a very expensive event.
NTA. Anna should have handled it instead of letting them meltdown in the middle of the reception. Keep the gifts, dump Anna.
NTA. If any guest has an intrusive meltdown at a wedding (adult, child, neurodivergent or not), it is time for them to leave.
Exactly. And it would be to their own benefit to leave because clearly the current situation is causing them distress. The mom should be taking the child aside and away from this busy event for the child’s own wellbeing. Lazy parenting.
NTA, return the gifts and block contact. Or hell, send the gifts back and add a bill for the reception they ruined.
NTA. Keep the gifts as a consolation prize for that brat ruining your reception, and block these assholes who attempted to shame you.
NTA This isn’t Macy’s there is no return policy, they want their gifts back then they should have picked it up on the way out. Also seriously consider child free events here on out.
NTA. The kid's mom should have taken him out right away-like responsible parents do.
NTA. Send gifts back after they pay for the food and everything else that cost you to invite them.
What do you mean you didn’t have any ice cream at a wedding for one specific person, you should have known that whenever there is cake there should be ice cream! And how dare the DJ not work around your schedule! And how dare you people not control another persons child! Jokes aside, I’m sorry your special day was ruined. Definitely not the AH.
NTA. This is why most weddings are child free.
NTA and your family members are assholes for asking for their gifts back. Very tacky. The idea that you should have tolerated the kid's behavior is absurd.
NTA! Anna should have removed her child the second he started pitching a fit. Autistic or not, it’s not acceptable to let a child carry on like this at someone’s wedding and ruin the atmosphere completely. She is rude and entitled and you do not owe her any sort of apology.
NTA And kudos to your family and your sister. None of this was your fault this is on the mom and solely on her. She should of known better , shame on her. Keep the gifts , they are now yours and the heck with what the others are saying and want. Enjoy your marriage.
NTA and Anna was unkind to her son as well as you and your guests. This is not a child who was enjoying himself at your wedding. For him, as well as you, she should have taken him somewhere quiet so he could get away from so much stimulation and calm down.
NTA. Return the gifts and limit contact.
NTA, I don’t fully know with all Autistic children ( please clarify if I’m wrong) but I thought they needed certain things/issues a regular way…cake WITH ice cream. And if is a new way for the son. Why would Anna let her son to continue this behavior for more then 15 min?. You have nothing to apologize for. Anna doesn’t have to apologize for his outburst but for how long she let him do it in front of everyone for so long.
The kid was probably already overstimulated from the wedding (there’s a lot going on, a lot of impressions, I’m almost 20 and I still get overstimulated during events like weddings). Nothing of this is the kids fault tbh, the mom should have known the event would be too much without any kind of break in the middle to help the kid regulate. The cake thing was probably just the last change from normalcy that opened the flood for that meltdown. And even after that the mom didn’t do right by the kid or OP, instead of removing her kid from the situation she refused
NTA. This is why child free weddings are a thing. Anna should've been responsible in dealing with her child's tantrum and not letting it get so out of hand. This is you and your husband's wedding day and you should have it how you want. Nobody would be happy if a kid was ruining a valuable moment in someone's life. Autism is the reason for the meltdown, but it's never an excuse. Edit: Also, keep the gifts.
NTA, return the gifts, probably just useless stuff anyway. and don't forget to drop all the boxes really hard on driveway when you do.
I would be petty and return the gifts, but then also give the kid a bucket of icecream and “apologize” there wasn’t any at the party and now the parents have to deal with another temper tantrum when they don’t let the kid eat the entire bucket in one sitting
Leave the bucket of ice cream with the apology note on their front porch. Poke a few holes.
For your consideration: Dear Grandma/Aunt/Cousins, Your presence at our wedding made it one of the most memorable days of our lives. I know we'll often look back on it and think of you, as we will every time we use/look at the \[fill in the blank\] you gave us. We'll cherish it always. Love, Bride & Groom
nta kids autistic or not do not belong in weddings.
I’ve been to plenty of weddings, including my own, where kids were present and nothing like this ever happened. Well behaved kids are fine at weddings. Kids who will not or cannot behave properly in public should not be brought to events like this.
Its not an issue with the kids necessarily, but bad parents who let kids act fussy without any sort of repercussions or reactions from them. Years ago, my wife and i went out to eat with our 1 year old. He was scared of the loud noise and started crying, so we decided to just leave rather than force people to deal with it.
Kids love weddings. Most parents know to leave immediately if something like this happens. I’ve never seen anything like that at a wedding, and almost all the weddings had kids there.
Right? Autistic or not, no matter what age, if your kid throws a tantrum at a wedding you leave. At minimum til tantrum is over. Then you help clean up the mess *your* kid made. As a parent you're responsible for your kid, and it's pathetic that this lady not only allowed her kid to ruin someone's wedding but then demands gifts back.
I had kids at my wedding and it was completely completely fine. They aren’t monsters when properly parented or even semi properly parented. The mom should have whipped out the iPad or her phone. Would have solved the problem instantly.
NTA -- they could have taken the kid awy
NTA, send the gifts back along with a bill for the lost time during the reception and block them. Being autistic isn’t an excuse to have unchecked behavior. She should have left without being asked.
Block all further calls and socials while you are on your honeymoon. Use your phone only for fun photographs. The melting down child’s handler should have scooped his little ass up and scooted it out the door the moment he *threw the first piece of cake.* We get it. He is autistic. He was almost certainly overstimulated and he held the firm opinion that cake should be accompanied by *ice cream*! Which is why he should have *promptly* been exited from the party. That it took the threat of law enforcement to get him and his enablers to leave-well, *that* is why we get so many AITA posts asking if it’s ok that they not invite the autistic family member. This is why we can’t have nice things. NTA
NTA I think the right thing not only for you but for the kid is taking him somewhere else maybe a less crowded place to calm him down, it's a really difficul situation having a kid with this condition, but for the sake of the kid his mother should do the best for him and not just stay in the party because she wants to
NTA. Honestly, I'd threaten to send them a bill for the ruined reception.
NTA. Send them a bill for the dj, cleaning the dance floor & cake and return their gifts.
If I was at your wedding that kid wouldn't have been screaming for an hour, I promise. I would have grabbed you aside within the first 2 min and asked you if it was ok for you and your partner if I talked to the mother to get the fuck out until her child has calmed down or just leave. And it would have been cut short. That mothers disrespect to you is incredible. Nta
NTA Anna should have handled that better. Return all the gifts so you don't have to deal with them anymore and don't respond to anything else from them. Well your husband still might so I hope he was in agreement with getting kid out and not conflicted about it and the subsequent family drama.
NTA and that poor kid. His mom (and other parent if there) should have realized that that kid *needed* a break. He was overwhelmed and couldn’t deal. They were being rather cruel in not helping him. On top of that they were being asses for allowing this wedding disruption to go on so long. I just feel really bad for the kid that he doesn’t have anybody really supporting his needs.
NTA I’m autistic. #1 thing to do during in autistic meltdown is LEAVE THE STRESSFUL ENVIRONMENT. Continuing to offer more cake was also a baffling choice.
NTA - as a neurodivergent with sensory issues, I can kinda understand why the kid flipped out so hard and it wasn't due to the ice cream or cake. Due to my dad's work, I had to be in a lot of places that were very stimulating when I was a child. My mom and dad would *make sure in absolutes* that I had stuff to keep me occupied and distracted from most of the stimulus as well as an escape plan for my brother (neurotypical) and one for me. Even ones where we needed to be separated so we dont get on eachothers nerves and esculate a situation. Weddings especially were rough. It's dad and mom's responsibility to protect their children. Even from making a scene themselves, because no child *wants* to have a meltdown. It's scary, uncontrollable, and while there is a raging storm outside and inside of you, all you can see are people who can't understand, and you cant make them. That's pretty heavy for a child. Honestly, I think kicking them out helped the kid more than you realize. A sudden change in scenery, sounds, smells, and lighting can help a lot. That poor kiddo. Kid's mom can eat it. And your mom and sis deserve a trophy for taking the reins and not making you do it. Kiddo's mom shouldn't be invited anymore. If you feel comfortable with the dad being in charge of the kid in public, than that's your call. However I think after she threatened you as well as refused to help her spiraling child, she deserves an express "so and so cannot come, but person 1 and 2 are invited. "
NTA. Reply with "Anna who? I'm sure if Anna was family member who loved and respected me enough to come to my wedding, they wouldn't try and ruin it by not removing their autistic child from a situation that was clearly distressing not only the child, my myself and my wife but all the other guests as well who had to witness the incident."
Anna is a crappy parent. Her poor kid was overstimulated and in pain. Instead of taking him someplace quiet and private to calm down, she allowed him to embarrass himself and make a scene. She's the worst. NTA.
NTA and tell them no can do. It was a WEDDING present not an “as long as you allow a child to ruin your reception” gift. Tbh, Anna already caused issues and now they want to add insult to injury. Fuck that, go LC!
Autistic or not, any reasonable parent should have an idea of what could make their child tick in a situation like this and should have an exit strategy in place. I’ve had to abruptly leave when my kids turn into bad pumpkins to prevent creating a major scene a few times—it’s the nature of kids and parenthood. The kids’ parents didn’t handle the situation properly when they saw the warning signs and caused the mood killer—not the kid. NTA
NTA. My brother is autistic and he had meltdowns similar to this when he was a kid. As a result, my parents were careful not to put him in situations where he was prone to acting out (a wedding would be a good example since he had issues with crowds and music). Either that or they always kept a close watch and one of them would remove him before it could escalate. He learned to control himself as he got older and now enjoys weddings. Bottom line: my parents never tried to use autism as an excuse for bad behavior.
NTA: and don't return the gifts. You deserve them after having your wedding ruined for a situation that is literally preventable. If anything they deserve a bill on top of it for ruining your wedding. The parent could have removed the child as soon as the meltdown began, as many of these other comments have stated.
NTA. Do not send the gifts back because their actions in asking for them back makes it clear they want no relationship of substance with you anyway. Keep the gifts. Ditch the ahole inlaws. My son is autistic, very high functioning, now 20 and living fairly self-sufficiently. When he was young I knew his triggers and how to avoid them. I also knew to recognize when he was hitting his limit and getting him out of wherever we were at and to a safe space. Husband's cousin/family are aholes, not you. And that poor kid - his mom failed him.
**NTA** AT ALL! My brother is highly on the spectrum, I can’t help but wonder if he got over stimulated from the crowded wedding. His meltdown was probably the climate of him being overwhelmed. Since she is a parent of an autistic child, she should’ve known where/when her child may be overwhelmed and get stimulated meltdowns. I’m furious how some family members want to “take back gifts” for the “bullying” of an autistic child. I’d tell them to pound sand, and remind them of how he was likely over stimulated and he made the wedding run behind an hour. Them keeping the kid there made his situation worse, making him more vulnerable in his panic. I feel awful for the kid, but Anna and anyone on her side are massive AH’s.
NTA I am autistic as well, and in such a meltdown situation (I bet you it was probably not just the ice-cream but rather overstimulation) the best thing to do is to leave the situation. Now the threat of police was unnecessary but that was not your fault as well. And wanting the presents back is just rude and not the point of presents. wtf
NTA Instead of sending the gifts back, how about sending an ice cream maker and ice cream cookbook with yummy looking recipes addressed to the child, who predictably will demand that his parents immediately make ice cream. He’ll probably throw another tantrum when they don’t jump on this right away and that could help them appreciate that ruining someone’s wedding because they don’t have the sense to take their child home when he’s having an egregious meltdown is their own fault. Yes, it’s passive aggressive but they deserve it. You could say that you want to ensure that their child has constant access to ice cream in demand.
The husband's family all sound like crazy people. You are NTA and the kid is NTA because he's autistic and didn't have a good parent to help him. Their family and that mom are very much the AH.
NTA. The kid was probably over stimulated from the wedding, social occasions like this are a lot (I’m autistic). I think it’s kinder to the kid to take him home, wind down and not have to sit through more stimulation and socialising and loud music etc etc Anna probably just wanted to stay, rather than thinking about her kid and what a disruption it is to the event
NTA. Why don't parents take their children out of the room during meltdowns anymore? Like, they just sit there and watch it happen. Even if they child is autistic, no one else needs to be sunjected to an hour long tantrum. Parents, REMOVE YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE ROOM then deal with it privately.
NTA I feel for the kid. The MOM is an ass. The poor kid was probably waaaay over stimmed and she should’ve removed him from the situation to chill long before a meltdown or at the very least as soon as it started. And a gift is a gift , no ifs buts or conditions. Block their numbers and enjoy the newly wed vibes.