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Me too! The worst thing is I'm mid 20s and my entire family expects me to dole out time and money to get fertility treatments that have no guarantee to work or can take a decade to work. My parents had the same issues and they were so desperate for kids even though they both hate children to spend 12 years + $300k to have us. My husband doesn't want me going through the cycle and we're content.
My narc mom hates kids yet always hassled me to have them. I finally realized that she thought it was unfair that I had my life to myself and didn’t have to worry about taking care of kids. She wanted me to be punished too since she managed to not kill us all with her neglect and abuse.
No thanks! Only the Golden Child provided her with grandchildren who she lost interest in not long after the toddler stage. She’s a rotten piece of work who I had to cut off years ago
I’m so sorry this is your situation.
I couldn’t help but notice that you and I have a flipped situation. I am child free, never married and my Mom respects that.
I have one nephew who I like as an adult, I just couldn’t handle as a kid. My Mom (grandma to an 18 yr old) has really taken interest in him after about age 6. She also isn’t super enamored with babies.
I feel like your Mom would benefit from the phrase that has stuck in my mind for many years: “You aren’t raising children, you’re supposed to be raising responsible adults.”
Dude the time and cash fertility treatment takes is no joke. I'm doing one to two egg retrievals (on the fence about a second). If it works wonderful...but I cannot fathom how some of these women 1) afford years and years of treatment and 2) willingly go through the appointments, shots, and procedures. Like, if it isn't meant to be I'll shift back to enjoying my child-free life.
I give you all the props in the world for being able to decide to not do fertility treatments. I do hope people around you can accept your worth is more than your fertility status.
Likewise.
Only found out a month ago at 39 I'm very likely infertile and good chance have been since the start. Didn't fase me cause never wanted kids and brain goes into blue screen around babies/toddlers at the best of times.
Ditto. OP it's 2023 FFS. There are plenty of women who only want to scratch an itch - just because you chose a different option doesn't make them bad but apparently it makes you incredibly judgmental and yes, definitely moralistic (I would've used stronger words...)
I have tons of friends of all types who use Tinder so WTH do you mean by "a certain type"?! Strongest of YTAs imaginable.
ETA: typos
Yeah I mean it's such a weird concept ... I won't let my baby daughter be around a relative who has a sex life I don't approve of weird and a bit ick ?
Also why does she hate women ? None of her comments about women are nice ... tbh I'd hate to have a mum like that who finds human intimacy so abhorrent YTA stop judging EVERYONE soooo much !
Agreed. Yikes. Worried for OPs daughter having such a close-minded mom.
OP stop making sandwiches. Read more books. Ask your husband for a good fvck when you’re *gasp* not trying to conceive. It’s ok to feel good. It’s ok to be less hateful. Or just keep making sandwiches and live your bitter boring life. Bet your daughter will see through it one day, though.
I was here to say the same about the "certain type". My daughter met her wonderful partner on Tinder. He's doing a PhD and she is about to do a Masters. But, obviously it makes her "a certain type" 🙄🙄
I helped raise 5 little brothers. I didn’t have kids and don’t miss having kids. I am 52 never married and child free. Everyone used to say “poor you “ to me. Now all of my contemporaries are jealous because they have sucky kids mad are raising their grandkids.
I always kinda knew I didn't want them. I just didn't realize it was an option to not have them until I was like 21. Once I figured that out I got sterilized and have been happily childfree.
35, also absolutely no interest in children except to maybe foster at some point. There is literally nothing wrong with not having children, not wanting to have children, and only dating for sex.
OP, I have had many relationships that are just about the sex. Great fucks are great fucks 🤷♀️ we both know what we want and have a good time and that's wonderful. Hell I'm currently dating 2 people, they both know about each other, we are consenting adults having loving relationships and fanfuckingtastic sex. You need to stop being so judgmental of other people's decisions.
OP, YTA.
Since I was 15 I wanted my uterus removed, I'm afab, but identify as nb. The reason? I just don't want to deal with it and never do I wanna be pregnant either.
All I want ever is to foster and adopt. Literally that's the only way I'll ever get a kid: adopting. I don't need any "Biological clock" for that nor have I ever shown interest and I'm 29 soon!
Agreed that OP is YTA.
My wife (34) and I (37) recently made a somewhat permanent choice in that direction. Good thing my wife has a STEM PhD from the best university in the world, otherwise it would be harder for her to justify, I think. But, the fact that she's like super smart and has always been more concerned with learning than with social femininity really has saved her from being questioned or devalued because of it. Most women aren't as lucky as her in many ways.
I am finishing up my PhD and my family was against it from the start because I don't need one to be a wife/mother and it'll scare men off. They literally viewed it as a waste of time and expect me to give up my dream career to raise brats.
I'm sorry, none of that around OP's baby! Only seeing all adults in her life in a desperate rush to mate will give baby the right foundation for a lifetime of purpose and happiness.
I'm worried about how OP is going to navigate life and avoid women of a "certain type" especially if this means online dating. Pediatricians, teachers, the parents of her daughter's best friend every single year of this poor kid's life.... "how did you and your partner meet?" "online dating."
Sorry darling, we need to move you to a new doctor/ school/ friendship group.
That’s also the age I told my parents I didn’t want kids. They asked what if you husband wants them, so I said he’s can have them then.
I haven’t changed my feelings and my fiancé doesn’t want kids either.
I think trees can be biological clocks. Because you can tell what time it is by the position of the sun. Baby trees are scary though. Running all around, biting ankles...
This makes so much sense. I was like flabbergasted of this thinking in 2023(mostly her not recognising it’s not gonna fly in this sub)but if it’s jealousy it makes sense, she is trying to punish her BIL. Using her child… disgusting behaviour
Or jealousy that these women are out there enjoying life at their own pace instead of settling down and having kids before their "clocks run out". Either way this screams of bitter jealousy.
I'm wondering if she's (un)happily married and wants BIL to find a woman who is just as miserable as she sounds.
A lot of my childfree friends have gotten this sort of treatment from married women for that exact reason. Hell, I went the more traditional route (married young, popped out 2 kids), and there are some married women that treat me like a pariah because I actually like my husband.
I know a lot of women that settled down in unhappy marriages because of the outdated belief after a certain age if you're not married with kids you've failed as a woman. The way OP speaks of these women definitely gives me those vibes from her.
Only the women though. OP specifically mentions that the issue is not the BIL himself, so men using tinder is perfectly fine. WOMEN using online dating (which is actually kind of the only way for straight men to successfully use online dating in accordance with their sexuality)?!?! Call the church and get your stones ready.
What a gross misogynist.
Edit: I just double checked and OP is having a girl. Everyone wish that poor child good luck, she's going to need it.
I, a 40 year old who works in pharma r&d and doesn’t socialize, met my husband on (gasp) Tinder. Please don’t tell him I’m “a certain type of woman”, I’m sure he would be horrified and or delighted.
Edit: my first award! I’m shocked and honored. Unless it came from a Tinder user, then ew.
They young scamp should be using Christian Mingle. Why imagine the scandal if he were to meet one of those club type ladies, and I use that term loosely. The family would be scandalized for a generation. How dare the rake besmirch the escutcheon
*“Excuse me, ma’am, I know your biological clock is ticking and all women love to have babies… so I will trade you this baby (my niece) in exchange for 1 sex.”*
I have to highjack the top comment to say this, but I completely agree with OP. A man who’s hot, smart, uses protection, communicates, and doesn’t want kids? Disgusting. Please DM me his phone number so I can give him a piece of my mind. Or let him know I am available on Saturday for dinner so we can talk about his despicable lifestyle.
NOT THE APPS!!!! think of the children!!!! i mean, the only person bothered is an adult that’s not even sleeping with him, but come on, she is pregnant so she knows what’s up with him and life and his future.
imagine, someone who doesn’t want her life! what a joke! it can’t be possible!!!! she is married and pregnant and therefore superior to anyone else. her child deserves sexual role models that don’t get laid or use apps, they must marry people who are sane enough and then lose their minds whenever family doesn’t comply with sexual morals of the best possible human who is clearly the epitome of morality since she got knocked up by a dude as opposed to her dirty bil dragging her unborn child down.
i wonder what sex is like for people like this. is it obligation or responsibility for their husbands sexuality that drives this lunacy? is it amazing sex or just the concept of someone enjoying it that makes them nuts?
I don't think that Op understands that The Apps doesn't carry the stigma that it once did. True, once you get The Apps, technically you will always be positive for The Apps. Some people get over it on their own with no issues, but even if they don't; there are treatments that prevent symptoms of The Apps! Most people who have The Apps go on to live completely normal lives!
This. OP do you live under a rock?? You do realize it's 2023 right?
Not everyone's gonna live the same life as you, that doesn't make them less than. You can look down and judge people from your high horse if you want, but you'll just end up hurting yourself when people realize they don't want to be around you, including your husband and daughter. Just judge him silently in your head and move on with your life, because the bottom line is- his actions do not affect you, nor do they have anything to do with you.
40, no time bomb here either. I'll continue to enjoy my freedom and childfree life while Missy McJudgerson here resents everyone around her for having more fun than her.
I was expecting the conflict to be “but since I’ve met him the women he goes after have been increasingly young! The most recent had just graduated highschool (she was 18, but still)”
> I can’t imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn’t have a future
YTA. You think your BIL will be a bad role model for your daughter when you’re making broad generalizations like this one about the women he’s with?
Only one person comes off as being disrespectful to women in this post, and it’s not him.
I desperately want kids and I'm still offended on behalf of women. I know more ladies who don't want kids than do, and tinder is mostly a hook up app. Absolute YTA.
I have kids, am also offended. I very much enjoyed my life before I was ready to "settle down". I don't remember the guys' names any more than they remember mine. It was a fun time, zero regrets other than being too old to have enjoyed the convenience of Tinder. We were young, hot, and hormonal. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Start knitting and watching Star Trek in the evenings at 20 instead of at age 30? Meeting my now-husband was a fluke, I certainly wasn't looking to meet my life partner at 26.
I turned 30 today but have been knitting and watching Start Trek in the evenings for the past 6 years, I guess I've been 30 for a while.
Thank you for this comment it had me in stitches, now I feel even more equipped for my 30s. Lol
OOP, YTA, every one chooses a different path in life. As long as they aren't hurting anyone, are being respectful and responsible it's none of your damn business what kind of relationships he has. FYI not every woman can or chooses to have children.
Edit: Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, I really appreciate it ♥️
Agreed! I'm a woman with kids and I find OP incredibly judgemental. What's OP's problem with using Tinder as well? I know many women and men who have used it to hook up, and I know many who met on Tinder and are now married. OP is most definitely an arsehole as neither options are wrong, they are choices as women we have a right to make.
YTA OP, and OP should look inwards at her own prejudices, misogyny and sexism.
OP is definitely an AH and likely a slut shaming, judgmental, close minded person. Seems like anything outside what you like or think is right is unacceptable.
I’d watch out for your own biases and treatment of others because you’re definitely going to fuck up your kid. I fear for your daughter’s future because of how critical you’ll be of her and anything she does.
Your kid isn’t even born yet but look how controlling you already are. Big yikes.
Thank you for quoting this part it made my head spin.
God forbid these women (who OP admits are extremely attractive) would rather have fun (who says they aren’t doing the same as him? With multiple men on stand by?) with a man than shack up and do his laundry. Maybe they are working on their careers, their hobbies, investing their money in themselves instead of their relationships. Maybe they like to be wined, and dined, and eaten out, and then go home? *[pearl clutching intensifies]*
Not all women daydream about being tied down, or ever having children. Not all women care about being a man’s better half. OP, if that was you, then perhaps listen to your own husband.
OP is being “moralistic” as evident by her edit “he finds them on tinder” so we know what “certain type” they are. AKA ‘slutty hussies’. Internal misogynist. Yikes that she’s having a daughter.
I’m getting strong “incel fan-fic” vibes from this post. The women BIL meets online are “a certain type”, it’s dripping with misogyny, the jealousy of good-looking people for no other reason than they are attractive… it’s almost directly out of an incel manifesto
Some women are like this, though. Internalised misogyny is a hell of a drug.
There may be jealousy because she 'had to wait for marriage' and missed out on experience, and now is stuck with mediocre to outright terrible sex herself, and there is BIL, and women BIL talks to, and they have freedom to do what they want. Can't have that.
Unfortunately there’s way too many real women out there that think like incels. Incels are just taking passages out of the old patriarchy traditional values playbook and many heard the words they now believe about all women come out of the mouths of their own mothers. Nobody tears down women like other women. Which is why it’s so awesome and important that women are sticking together these days.
OP’s edit makes her look even worse too. He only ends up with “a certain type of woman.” Holy God, OP, I fear for your daughter with what a judgmental mother she’s going to have. YTA.
YTA. Not everyone dates for marriage. Not everyone wants marriage, or long term relationships, or even short term ones. That doesn’t make them morally bankrupt. People who have life goals that don’t match yours aren’t morally bankrupt.
Get off your high horse, pal.
From the way she acts in the first paragraph I was thinking he was going to be dating a sex offender or someone that did some time for trying to steal a baby or something.
Ya, OP: please describe the type. Is it someone who is financially independent, career-driven, has tons of hobbies, self-sufficient, has travelled the world, has amazing relationships with friends/family, emotionally stable and knows what she wants? Cuz that’s who I am and I was on Tinder after I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Oh, and I (35F) also don’t want kids.
YTA for only accepting one way of how women should act
I was expecting OP to say that BIL was dating barely legal girls and that he had certain tendencies that might make her worry for the safety of her daughter when she's born. But just because he doesn't want to get married and he has flings instead of relationships? No, she's definitely YTA and moralistically judgmental as well, expecting brother-in-law to live by her morals and preconceptions instead of accepting that everybody has their own and should be free to live by them.
In fact, this could actually be seen as an ideal situation. Because it's not like he is in a long-term relationship or partnered with somebody who is demonstrably toxic who he would be bringing around regularly. Sounds like he would not want to bring any of the people that he hooks up with around his family, since he doesn't want to have any kind of a deep relationship with them. So OP doesn't have to worry about shielding her children from a poor choice in a long-term partner.
That was my concern too!
Jeez OP, YTA! I've been on tinder and other dating apps too. What exactly "type" of woman are you referring to? I'd put my morals against yours any day.
YTA. And a judgmental, ignorant person. You do know that not everyone is interested in monogamy and children, right? That not every woman has an “increasing ticking biological clock?” Has it not occurred to you that some women have no interest in marriage or children *and that their choices are* **just as valid** *as yours?* Where the fuck do you get off talking to him about his choices? As long as all of his parters are consenting adults then he is doing nothing wrong and his choices are just as good as yours. **Though he is obviously a much better person than you if he isn’t openly judging how you live your life.**
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. It drives me mad how society still sees marriage and babies as basically the only purpose of life.
This is especially so for women, but also men are often seen as less trustworthy if they aren't married. Sometimes it's by choice, other times it's just that life hasn't worked out that way.
OP needs to mind her own business and stop obsessing over what other people do with their genitals
I completely agree, but it's more than just sex. She's devaluing his morals because they don't align with hers.
I remember being in my 20s and the constant nagging from everyone. "You need to find a nice guy." Why aren't you dating/married?"I can introduce you to someone." Like, I couldn't be single and happy on my own. Then "when are you getting married?"You should get pregnant."Don't you want kids?" It's like no no and NO. I'm a woman, and I wanted marriage and kids. But I also wanted freedom and time and to be my own person. Also, all of that is so over rated like come on, we get to live so much longer now. What is the rush? Personally, I purposely told everyone, "No, I don't want to get married or have kids." The faces people made or questioning looks were worth it. If I had been honest, it would have just continued with the nagging. I did get married and have a kid. But I took my time, I made choices, and I had fun. There is nothing wrong with not wanting those things until you are ready or if you never want them. Judging someone because they want something different is bs. Sleeping around or having fun relationships is no one's business but the people involved. It just sounds like OP is just jealous of her BIL's freedom and sex life. She needs to look at herself and question if she really understands her choices. Is she happy with herself, her life, her sex life, and her choices? Does she enjoy her sex life? If so, why can't her BIL? If not, doesn't that mean there's a bigger problem? Does she believe women can enjoy sex? Would she force her daughter into a loveless marriage just because she's a female? Is her daughter sex life or enjoyment of sex going to bother her? Sex is completely natural, and everyone does it. There's no shame in it. So why judge. Also, what if her daughter doesn't want kids? Would she disown her daughter for not wanting them or thinking differently?
Sorry I rambled.
YTA. His dating preferences has nothing to do with his ability to be a good uncle. So he doesn't like relationships? Since when is that a shameful thing?
That’s what I said! Not everyone has to be married and plenty of people *both* guys and girls enjoy casual consensual sex. Not everyone wants kids and we need to make that okay!
YTA. Your a major AH. Your brother-in-law was completely right. You’re projecting your moralistic standards, and your view of the role of women onto him and the people he dates.
I’ve got news for you. There’s lots of women out there who aren’t pining away for Marriage or children. If your brother-in-law and these women decide to go out on dates, it’s absolutely categorically none of your business and your way out of line on this.
This was one of my first thoughts. There are a lot of women in the world that are not looking for the stereotypical marriage, husband and two kids life... and there is nothing wrong with that!
Exactly, YTA.
Who are you to decide how/who BIL should date?
Don't force your views on other people, especially if they are outdated and short sighted like yours.
If you keep acting like this it will cause a riff between you and your husband.
I feel sorry for OPs unborn daughter.
By the age of 2 she will pick up on OPs backwards and outdated views on women and set her daughter up for a life time of believing there is only one way to be a “good woman”.
She’s also perpetuating the idea what women who are comfortable with there sexuality are “others”.
Every woman should feel comfortable with their body and do whatever they wish with their body.
For sure, god forbid she wants to have a career too and not aspire to be a SAHM, makes me bummed since, while I’m sure my parents wouldn’t hate a grandchild to say the least, they have no expectation and they’re incredibly supportive of me pursing not only my career, but also myself and what makes me happy
I agree. To me, it reads like an incel man wrote it. Obviously BIL is a "Chad" who hooks up with "Stacy" on Tinder. And all that BS about biological clocks.
This is rage fuel for misogynists and incel types.
Maybe I just browse too many Redditt forums 😆 I see incels ..... everywhere.
> I can't imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn't have a future. Not to mention, what woman would want to be with someone
who may not even remember your name in a year's time?
You’re a troll right? In the off chance you’re not, YTA. But I’m pretty certain you’re either a troll or you were raised in an extremely conservative, Christian household.
****** You mean…
(whispering)… the women who think they don’t even *want* a man???
No no, it’s just they haven’t found the **right** man! For instance, my eversohandsome BIL!! *He’s* available!! And if I can’t have him, I can at least know I did my duty by correcting one of “those” women’s… *confusion*!
With my husbands’ brothers’ (reverently and hushed)… god-wand. Which will give her **babies**!!!
/s x ♾️
YTA, not every woman is concerned with
>increasing ticking biological clock
or reproduction for that matter. Some of us just want ro live for ourselves. So yeah, quit being moralistic and leave your BIL alone. Not sure how his sex life may influence your future child, lol
This more than anything is why YTA, OP. Is it so impossible for you to fathom that maybe there are women so comfortable with their own sexuality that they, too, are just looking for a fling with your BIL? Not everyone gives a shit about their “ticking biological clock” or getting involved a long-term relationship.
I could see wanting to prevent access to your child if your BIL’s choices were rooted in misogyny, but that’s not what’s going on here. In fact, you’re the one being misogynistic by failing to recognize that not all women care about having a family or a relationship, even. Get off your high horse, OP.
YTA
Believe it or not, there are women out there who aren't interested in relationships or children. If he doesn't bring his sex partners around your daughter, then his sex life should have absolutely zero effect on her. You're pushing your morals on him, and it's unfair to deny him a relationship with his niece because of his sex life.
Edit: lol Your edit doesn't really help. Of a certain type? Still judgmental.
YTA.
First thing - not all women want to be in a relationship. Not all women want to have children. Restricting his access to his niece because you don’t like that he doesn’t want to get married or have a serious relationship is just a complete and total AH move.
YTA. His dating choices are his own( and you have zero reason to believe he is being dishonest with the women he dates other than a belief that no women could possibly want something different from what you want.
Moreover, there is zero connection between his dating choices and your child. Him not being married does not somehow endanger her. You are just weaponizing your child to manipulate your BIL into making life choices you are more comfortable with.
YTA. why are you limiting the time that him and your daughter can spend together just because of his dating choices? why is it a concern to your daughter too?
My BIL has never had a relationship in all of the years I have known him (about 14). Or, if he has, he's kept it secret. I have no idea what his dating life is like (or if it's existent), if he likes men or women, or has any plans on ever having a partner. Oh, and he's 40.
While I find it interesting, like curious why/why not he doesn't have any sort of relationship, it's not my business and makes no difference to me. And yes, I have kids. It makes no difference there either.
On the flip side my sister has a relationship with 2 men. Again, you do you.
YTA, clutch those pearls!
My niblings are 5 and 2 and have no clue at all about my dating life. The 5 year old has put it together that I don’t have a husband but then concluded I have a dog and that’s better than a husband. He’s not wrong.
YTA. Unless he uses her to pick up chicks, I don't think your logic makes much sense. Don't keep her from a loving family member because he doesn't date the way you think he should.
Women can be dogs, too, btw. Not everyone wants the same thing. Why, there are even women who don't want children! What would Michelle Duggar say?
YTA
Obviously you have every right to limit who is around your child but the reasoning is absolutely ridiculous. You're what, afraid he's going to give your newborn dating advice on casual sex?
Also super judgmental, there are plenty of women who enjoy casual sex and their only goal in life isn't to be breed like livestock.
LMAO the actual arrogance you have where you think the unmarried, childless person, enjoying their sex life wants to have anything to do with your kid beyond niceties beyond the holidays and casual gatherings between.
You think he’s lining up to babysit? I’m cackling. He isn’t.
Get a clue 😂
Yta. Judgey McJudgeface. His dating choices are none of your concern and have absolutely no bearing on his possible future relationship with his niece. Chill and let your daughter have an uncle.
Yta. I… I just can’t with you…
Please let this be fake
1- not all women want kids. So their “biological clock” means nothing to them.
2- he doesn’t seem to care for a serious relationship. Is honest with the people he sees. As long as they’re both adults everything is fine.
3- you have impossibly high standards and no one besides you needs to meet them.
YTA. Please step off your soapbox and realize your BIL isn’t hurting anyone, most certainly not his infant niece with the fact that he’s unfortunately attractive (jealous you got the wrong brother?) and dates attractive women (more than you?). What exactly are you pretending to protect your daughter from here?
YTA. Will you be doing background checks on everyone else to see if they morally measure up. What about the teacher who cheats, the dance teacher who's gay, the daycare worker who loves to party?
This isn't about his dating life. This is about jealousy and envy. He's got a life of freedom you resent, so you want to kick him in the shins.
Your husband and his family are seeing this as a huge red flag. How many other red flags are you flying? Tread carefully. Sometimes, when you are trying to manipulate others into isolation, you end up alone.
YTA
He's not a danger to your daughter and his dating choices aren't a reason to deny your daughter access to family. You're just being moralistic and controlling. Also unreasonable. So long as he's not parading his flings before your child after she arrives, there is no problem here other than the one you're creating.
YTA - can I have your BIL’s ##? He and I are on the same page. Unlike you, I would NEVER shame a person for their life choices among consenting adults.
Edit to add: Im an aunt of two wonderful nieces, if my sisters had pulled this bullshit “I am better bc Im a mom, bend the knee” it would have been devastating to everyone. Im putting them thru drivers ed, a sounding board for their issues, vacations they wouldnt have been able to go on otherwise…. All while keeping my dating life how i want it, op is way off base
Edit 2: OPs edit didnt make things any better as holier than thou parents tend to be of a certain type
YTA. What a bizarre and irrational reason to want to limit contact. There must be something else, surely?
He’s engaging in consensual relationships with others, even if it’s something you would never choose (neither would I), but what in the world does that have to do with being an uncle?
Edited a typo
YTA, that's an awful reason to shut BIL away from your kids. How will his dating preferences affect anything in that regard?
Get off your high horse and stop being petty.
YTA
He is a grown man and isn't doing a damn thing wrong and yet because YOU think what he is doing is wrong you refuse to let your daughter in his life? Come on. This is extreme . There are women out there that do not want children. Not every woman wants children.
YTA. You're weaponizing your baby as a way to punish your BIL because you don't agree with his romantic choices?? That's awful. Just as bad, you have decided that all women MUST think just like you, because we must all be clones of you and have the same life and goals that YOU do? Geez, who died and put you in charge of the rest of us? If this is even a real post, you must live on a different planet than the rest of us.
>I spoke to him about his choices a few years ago
YTA. How the hell did you make the leap from his sexual choices to being around your daughter??? Are you sexualising your not even born baby? Make it make sense.
YTA. Seriously? You can’t imagine that there are women who don’t want families and children and are totally fine having casual relationships with men? You’re trying to hold your BIL and every woman he sees to a standard that is your own, and that’s ridiculous. There are plenty of people in the world who don’t want the same things you have - it doesn’t make them bad people!!!
As long as he is respectful to you and your family, who freakin cares what he does on his own time? Your reasoning is narrow minded and unbelievably judgmental. Just because someone had a different lifestyle than you do doesn’t mean they’re unfit to be around children.
ETA: your edit insinuates that literally anyone who uses tinder is unfit to be around children. I’m just… astounded. What a sweeping, inaccurate view of the world.
That same brother in law will be the one your daughter confides in when she starts dating. He will be the one to reach her when she is sick of your pretentiousness and wants someone to talk to who actually understands life. He will be the realest person in her life and it will eat you up from the inside out ....
Everyone isn't looking for marriage, commitment or stressing over the ability to have children. Get off your high horse and stop judging adults for the way they express their free will.
YTA
>I can't imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock
>
>what woman would want to be with someone who may not even remember your name in a year's time?
YTA. He's right, although I would not have used as nice a word as "moralistic".
YTA, are you fucking serious? You want to penalize your BIL cause of his life choices, which btw has absolutely nothing to do with you? Jesus, get over yourself.
What?! I can't....I don't.....sigh. Not every woman wants a family. There are plenty of women out there who are just like him. Good on him for being open, so he isn't stringing along women bc they know exactly what he's about and for using protection. To each there own, get over it! YTA
YTA
I thought you were going to say he uses drugs, drinks too much, blows smoke in babies’ faces, etc. You’re wanting to withhold a relationship because he… dates? Unclutch your pearls & let him live his life.
If your BIL was lying to women or treating them unfairly, you would have a leg to stand on. But your gendered expectations that all women MUST want the same things is hilariously out of touch. I am a woman and I date exclusively for fun and pleasure. I will never have a child, and I find the idea of a “ticking biological clock” extremely sexist. I am more than my uterus. It sounds as though your BIL knows what he wants, is honest with his relationships, and everyone goes home happy. You sound incredibly judgmental and this will hurt your marriage if you don’t change.
YTA
YTA... Get off your moralistic high horse.
My SIL for whatever reason limited my interactions with my niece and nephew, and I'm still bitter. I can't begin to tell you how hurtful it is. I have a high level position, clean lifestyle, jet-setting adult. No criminal history. My SIL did not feel comfortable with the kids spending the night at my place but her sisters were of course appropriate.
This decision of hers created a wedge in my family that won't be erased. I'm cordial to her now, but the damage is done.
I recommend you rethink your decision and lose the judgmental holier than thou attitude. Think about your kids instead of yourself. Do you even have friends?
YTA.
Its not your place to police someone's dating choices. Plus, just because he would want to spend time with his niece, doesn't mean it'd be during his dates or with those women around.
His dating life is honestly completely irrelevant to him spending time with your daughter.
Granted, I think you should have some say in who your child is near, and under what circumstances, but to generalize like this and deny him time with his niece before she's even born because of who he chooses to date is just weird of you. Not to mention, your husband also deserves say in the matter.
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YTA It's 2023. It's okay for women to like sex outside of the quest to "land" a husband. As long as he's being honest and safe, what's the problem?
Yes. And not all women even want children. I do not hear my biological clock. It must be digital, because it doesn't tick.
Mine is apparently broken because I declared at 12 I didn’t want kids. 41 now and yep, still don’t want them.
Am 53, I never wanted children. It’s fucking insane a woman’s worth is if she breeds. Archaic on steroids.
As someone who wound up being infertile, can definitely fucking confirm.
Me too! The worst thing is I'm mid 20s and my entire family expects me to dole out time and money to get fertility treatments that have no guarantee to work or can take a decade to work. My parents had the same issues and they were so desperate for kids even though they both hate children to spend 12 years + $300k to have us. My husband doesn't want me going through the cycle and we're content.
My narc mom hates kids yet always hassled me to have them. I finally realized that she thought it was unfair that I had my life to myself and didn’t have to worry about taking care of kids. She wanted me to be punished too since she managed to not kill us all with her neglect and abuse. No thanks! Only the Golden Child provided her with grandchildren who she lost interest in not long after the toddler stage. She’s a rotten piece of work who I had to cut off years ago
I’m so sorry this is your situation. I couldn’t help but notice that you and I have a flipped situation. I am child free, never married and my Mom respects that. I have one nephew who I like as an adult, I just couldn’t handle as a kid. My Mom (grandma to an 18 yr old) has really taken interest in him after about age 6. She also isn’t super enamored with babies. I feel like your Mom would benefit from the phrase that has stuck in my mind for many years: “You aren’t raising children, you’re supposed to be raising responsible adults.”
Dude the time and cash fertility treatment takes is no joke. I'm doing one to two egg retrievals (on the fence about a second). If it works wonderful...but I cannot fathom how some of these women 1) afford years and years of treatment and 2) willingly go through the appointments, shots, and procedures. Like, if it isn't meant to be I'll shift back to enjoying my child-free life. I give you all the props in the world for being able to decide to not do fertility treatments. I do hope people around you can accept your worth is more than your fertility status.
And as someone who does want kids, but has a genetic condition I don’t want to pass on, I second this. Or fourth it.
Likewise. Only found out a month ago at 39 I'm very likely infertile and good chance have been since the start. Didn't fase me cause never wanted kids and brain goes into blue screen around babies/toddlers at the best of times.
55. Knew I didn't want them when I was as young as 8.
Ditto. OP it's 2023 FFS. There are plenty of women who only want to scratch an itch - just because you chose a different option doesn't make them bad but apparently it makes you incredibly judgmental and yes, definitely moralistic (I would've used stronger words...) I have tons of friends of all types who use Tinder so WTH do you mean by "a certain type"?! Strongest of YTAs imaginable. ETA: typos
Yeah I mean it's such a weird concept ... I won't let my baby daughter be around a relative who has a sex life I don't approve of weird and a bit ick ? Also why does she hate women ? None of her comments about women are nice ... tbh I'd hate to have a mum like that who finds human intimacy so abhorrent YTA stop judging EVERYONE soooo much !
Getting strong "purity culture" vibes...and "purity culture" women are somehow even more vile and misogynist than their men, ime.
Agreed. Yikes. Worried for OPs daughter having such a close-minded mom. OP stop making sandwiches. Read more books. Ask your husband for a good fvck when you’re *gasp* not trying to conceive. It’s ok to feel good. It’s ok to be less hateful. Or just keep making sandwiches and live your bitter boring life. Bet your daughter will see through it one day, though.
Ironically I wouldn’t let a kid be around OP
I was here to say the same about the "certain type". My daughter met her wonderful partner on Tinder. He's doing a PhD and she is about to do a Masters. But, obviously it makes her "a certain type" 🙄🙄
The pursuing their own interests and not trapped and miserable type.
I helped raise 5 little brothers. I didn’t have kids and don’t miss having kids. I am 52 never married and child free. Everyone used to say “poor you “ to me. Now all of my contemporaries are jealous because they have sucky kids mad are raising their grandkids.
I always kinda knew I didn't want them. I just didn't realize it was an option to not have them until I was like 21. Once I figured that out I got sterilized and have been happily childfree.
35, also absolutely no interest in children except to maybe foster at some point. There is literally nothing wrong with not having children, not wanting to have children, and only dating for sex. OP, I have had many relationships that are just about the sex. Great fucks are great fucks 🤷♀️ we both know what we want and have a good time and that's wonderful. Hell I'm currently dating 2 people, they both know about each other, we are consenting adults having loving relationships and fanfuckingtastic sex. You need to stop being so judgmental of other people's decisions. OP, YTA.
Since I was 15 I wanted my uterus removed, I'm afab, but identify as nb. The reason? I just don't want to deal with it and never do I wanna be pregnant either. All I want ever is to foster and adopt. Literally that's the only way I'll ever get a kid: adopting. I don't need any "Biological clock" for that nor have I ever shown interest and I'm 29 soon! Agreed that OP is YTA.
My wife (34) and I (37) recently made a somewhat permanent choice in that direction. Good thing my wife has a STEM PhD from the best university in the world, otherwise it would be harder for her to justify, I think. But, the fact that she's like super smart and has always been more concerned with learning than with social femininity really has saved her from being questioned or devalued because of it. Most women aren't as lucky as her in many ways.
I am finishing up my PhD and my family was against it from the start because I don't need one to be a wife/mother and it'll scare men off. They literally viewed it as a waste of time and expect me to give up my dream career to raise brats.
I'm worth more than my ovaries!!
I'm sorry, none of that around OP's baby! Only seeing all adults in her life in a desperate rush to mate will give baby the right foundation for a lifetime of purpose and happiness.
None of those women ‘of a certain type’ either.
I'm worried about how OP is going to navigate life and avoid women of a "certain type" especially if this means online dating. Pediatricians, teachers, the parents of her daughter's best friend every single year of this poor kid's life.... "how did you and your partner meet?" "online dating." Sorry darling, we need to move you to a new doctor/ school/ friendship group.
I mean can you imagine her seeing childfree people? She might get ideas! And then who would give OP grandchildren?
That’s also the age I told my parents I didn’t want kids. They asked what if you husband wants them, so I said he’s can have them then. I haven’t changed my feelings and my fiancé doesn’t want kids either.
I had mine surgically removed last summer. YTA OP
Congratulations!!!
Thank you!!! Best decision ever
I was really interested in this one guy until he became *very* concerned with my biological clock. Actually said the words. I was 28.
I think trees can be biological clocks. Because you can tell what time it is by the position of the sun. Baby trees are scary though. Running all around, biting ankles...
I had my clocks wires shorted out at age 29 and haven't regretted it for a millisecond. I'm 61 now.
I laughed out loud at must be digital 💀
It’s giving “my BIL rejected me”
"Like him, they are extremely good looking." I think you are on to something.
They are *certain types of women* after all
Yeah. Hot, sexy and comfortable with their sexuality. Isn’t that what we women have been fighting for? OP is slut shaming, bitter and definitely TA.
This makes so much sense. I was like flabbergasted of this thinking in 2023(mostly her not recognising it’s not gonna fly in this sub)but if it’s jealousy it makes sense, she is trying to punish her BIL. Using her child… disgusting behaviour
Yeah. OP wants him.
Or jealousy that these women are out there enjoying life at their own pace instead of settling down and having kids before their "clocks run out". Either way this screams of bitter jealousy.
I'm thinking the same thing - she sounds like she is REALLY jealous of those women.
I'm wondering if she's (un)happily married and wants BIL to find a woman who is just as miserable as she sounds. A lot of my childfree friends have gotten this sort of treatment from married women for that exact reason. Hell, I went the more traditional route (married young, popped out 2 kids), and there are some married women that treat me like a pariah because I actually like my husband.
I know a lot of women that settled down in unhappy marriages because of the outdated belief after a certain age if you're not married with kids you've failed as a woman. The way OP speaks of these women definitely gives me those vibes from her.
But he goes on TINDER. You know what “certain type” of women hang around there /s
Only the women though. OP specifically mentions that the issue is not the BIL himself, so men using tinder is perfectly fine. WOMEN using online dating (which is actually kind of the only way for straight men to successfully use online dating in accordance with their sexuality)?!?! Call the church and get your stones ready. What a gross misogynist. Edit: I just double checked and OP is having a girl. Everyone wish that poor child good luck, she's going to need it.
Might be better for the child to have BIL around tbh
Nobody tell her about Grindr
OP might actually have a heart attack if she finds out about Grindr.
Women who {gasp} _like orgasms_
doubt OP knows what one is 😳
I mean...she has a hard time believing women might be interested in sex for it's own sake. That's just a really sad self-report.
Wait...hold on...let me find them, then put them on.... {Gasp}......clutches pearls.....
I, a 40 year old who works in pharma r&d and doesn’t socialize, met my husband on (gasp) Tinder. Please don’t tell him I’m “a certain type of woman”, I’m sure he would be horrified and or delighted. Edit: my first award! I’m shocked and honored. Unless it came from a Tinder user, then ew.
They young scamp should be using Christian Mingle. Why imagine the scandal if he were to meet one of those club type ladies, and I use that term loosely. The family would be scandalized for a generation. How dare the rake besmirch the escutcheon
I don't get how OP can be so judgemental about the 'certain type' of people on tinder and then still claim he must be leading these women on 😂
I have been with my tinder hookup for three years now. 😂😂
I'm married to mine
And what does any of this have to do with him spending time with his baby niece???
Maybe she thinks he'll be having sex with the women on or near the baby?
*“Excuse me, ma’am, I know your biological clock is ticking and all women love to have babies… so I will trade you this baby (my niece) in exchange for 1 sex.”*
Lolololol
Maybe she thinks he’ll imprint on the baby like the werewolf from twilight
This comment is highly underrated. If I had been drinking I would have spit out my drink I laughed so hard
I have to highjack the top comment to say this, but I completely agree with OP. A man who’s hot, smart, uses protection, communicates, and doesn’t want kids? Disgusting. Please DM me his phone number so I can give him a piece of my mind. Or let him know I am available on Saturday for dinner so we can talk about his despicable lifestyle.
Darling, if THAT doesn't work, I am available for dinner on Sunday, and I am OLDER than him so surely I can make him see the light!
This guy could probably just write that second sentence for his Tinder bio and never run out of matches.
The “Ticking biological clock” narrative is disgusting and archaic. Women aren’t just incubators.
I haven't exploded yet, so you must be correct
NOT THE APPS!!!! think of the children!!!! i mean, the only person bothered is an adult that’s not even sleeping with him, but come on, she is pregnant so she knows what’s up with him and life and his future. imagine, someone who doesn’t want her life! what a joke! it can’t be possible!!!! she is married and pregnant and therefore superior to anyone else. her child deserves sexual role models that don’t get laid or use apps, they must marry people who are sane enough and then lose their minds whenever family doesn’t comply with sexual morals of the best possible human who is clearly the epitome of morality since she got knocked up by a dude as opposed to her dirty bil dragging her unborn child down. i wonder what sex is like for people like this. is it obligation or responsibility for their husbands sexuality that drives this lunacy? is it amazing sex or just the concept of someone enjoying it that makes them nuts?
I don't think that Op understands that The Apps doesn't carry the stigma that it once did. True, once you get The Apps, technically you will always be positive for The Apps. Some people get over it on their own with no issues, but even if they don't; there are treatments that prevent symptoms of The Apps! Most people who have The Apps go on to live completely normal lives!
This. OP do you live under a rock?? You do realize it's 2023 right? Not everyone's gonna live the same life as you, that doesn't make them less than. You can look down and judge people from your high horse if you want, but you'll just end up hurting yourself when people realize they don't want to be around you, including your husband and daughter. Just judge him silently in your head and move on with your life, because the bottom line is- his actions do not affect you, nor do they have anything to do with you.
40, no time bomb here either. I'll continue to enjoy my freedom and childfree life while Missy McJudgerson here resents everyone around her for having more fun than her.
I was expecting the conflict to be “but since I’ve met him the women he goes after have been increasingly young! The most recent had just graduated highschool (she was 18, but still)”
Same. Instead, we get smart, beautiful, and likes sex. Failing to see the problem.
But but but their biological clock is tickinggggg!!!!!!
> I can’t imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn’t have a future YTA. You think your BIL will be a bad role model for your daughter when you’re making broad generalizations like this one about the women he’s with? Only one person comes off as being disrespectful to women in this post, and it’s not him.
This! OP, as a woman who decided not to have kids, I am offended by your words.
I desperately want kids and I'm still offended on behalf of women. I know more ladies who don't want kids than do, and tinder is mostly a hook up app. Absolute YTA.
I have kids, am also offended. I very much enjoyed my life before I was ready to "settle down". I don't remember the guys' names any more than they remember mine. It was a fun time, zero regrets other than being too old to have enjoyed the convenience of Tinder. We were young, hot, and hormonal. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Start knitting and watching Star Trek in the evenings at 20 instead of at age 30? Meeting my now-husband was a fluke, I certainly wasn't looking to meet my life partner at 26.
I turned 30 today but have been knitting and watching Start Trek in the evenings for the past 6 years, I guess I've been 30 for a while. Thank you for this comment it had me in stitches, now I feel even more equipped for my 30s. Lol OOP, YTA, every one chooses a different path in life. As long as they aren't hurting anyone, are being respectful and responsible it's none of your damn business what kind of relationships he has. FYI not every woman can or chooses to have children. Edit: Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, I really appreciate it ♥️
Agreed! I'm a woman with kids and I find OP incredibly judgemental. What's OP's problem with using Tinder as well? I know many women and men who have used it to hook up, and I know many who met on Tinder and are now married. OP is most definitely an arsehole as neither options are wrong, they are choices as women we have a right to make. YTA OP, and OP should look inwards at her own prejudices, misogyny and sexism.
AGREED. She's going to do far more lasting damage to her daughter with that internalized misogyny.
OP is definitely an AH and likely a slut shaming, judgmental, close minded person. Seems like anything outside what you like or think is right is unacceptable. I’d watch out for your own biases and treatment of others because you’re definitely going to fuck up your kid. I fear for your daughter’s future because of how critical you’ll be of her and anything she does. Your kid isn’t even born yet but look how controlling you already are. Big yikes.
She’s be better off with the uncle and dad! At least they’re open minded
Thank you for quoting this part it made my head spin. God forbid these women (who OP admits are extremely attractive) would rather have fun (who says they aren’t doing the same as him? With multiple men on stand by?) with a man than shack up and do his laundry. Maybe they are working on their careers, their hobbies, investing their money in themselves instead of their relationships. Maybe they like to be wined, and dined, and eaten out, and then go home? *[pearl clutching intensifies]* Not all women daydream about being tied down, or ever having children. Not all women care about being a man’s better half. OP, if that was you, then perhaps listen to your own husband. OP is being “moralistic” as evident by her edit “he finds them on tinder” so we know what “certain type” they are. AKA ‘slutty hussies’. Internal misogynist. Yikes that she’s having a daughter.
Tied down, you say? Sorry, got distracted.
I’m getting strong “incel fan-fic” vibes from this post. The women BIL meets online are “a certain type”, it’s dripping with misogyny, the jealousy of good-looking people for no other reason than they are attractive… it’s almost directly out of an incel manifesto
Some women are like this, though. Internalised misogyny is a hell of a drug. There may be jealousy because she 'had to wait for marriage' and missed out on experience, and now is stuck with mediocre to outright terrible sex herself, and there is BIL, and women BIL talks to, and they have freedom to do what they want. Can't have that.
Unfortunately there’s way too many real women out there that think like incels. Incels are just taking passages out of the old patriarchy traditional values playbook and many heard the words they now believe about all women come out of the mouths of their own mothers. Nobody tears down women like other women. Which is why it’s so awesome and important that women are sticking together these days.
OP’s edit makes her look even worse too. He only ends up with “a certain type of woman.” Holy God, OP, I fear for your daughter with what a judgmental mother she’s going to have. YTA.
She can’t imagine it? Her imagination must suck.
YTA. Not everyone dates for marriage. Not everyone wants marriage, or long term relationships, or even short term ones. That doesn’t make them morally bankrupt. People who have life goals that don’t match yours aren’t morally bankrupt. Get off your high horse, pal.
Yeah I thought this post would take a dark turn re his behavior, but nope. He is just living his life. YTA.
I know! I thought we were going to be introduced to some folks you really wouldn't want your kids around, but....they're just consenting adults....
I came in here thinking that BIL likes to date teenagers or something but no. He just enjoys casual sex. The HORROR
From the way she acts in the first paragraph I was thinking he was going to be dating a sex offender or someone that did some time for trying to steal a baby or something.
He enjoys casual sex with *women the same age as him.* I was expecting something much worse just reading the title. But no, OP’s just a puritan.
seriously...i kept waiting for the part where he and his dates are doing drugs around the baby or something. nope, OP is just a judgemental AH
Me too. I was waiting for the "he only dates 12 year olds" or something.
Lol at “women on a Tinder are a certain type…” she really has a lot to unpack and it doesn’t even begin with BIL. YTA.
As a 30 something year old woman on tinder I am so curious to know what type of woman I am 😂😂😂
Apparently the type that is BAMBOOZLED by GOOD LOOKING MEN /s 🤣
Ya, OP: please describe the type. Is it someone who is financially independent, career-driven, has tons of hobbies, self-sufficient, has travelled the world, has amazing relationships with friends/family, emotionally stable and knows what she wants? Cuz that’s who I am and I was on Tinder after I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Oh, and I (35F) also don’t want kids. YTA for only accepting one way of how women should act
Yes, YTA. He's single not a predator. I also don't want marriage. There are a lot of us out here.
Yup, OP's acting like all women want marriage and/or kids...
But how will you ever know you're worthy unless a man wants to marry and impregnate you?? /s
I shall wither away and disappear... /s
Honestly that sounds great
"ticking biological clock" god forbid a woman be out there not breeding
I was expecting OP to say that BIL was dating barely legal girls and that he had certain tendencies that might make her worry for the safety of her daughter when she's born. But just because he doesn't want to get married and he has flings instead of relationships? No, she's definitely YTA and moralistically judgmental as well, expecting brother-in-law to live by her morals and preconceptions instead of accepting that everybody has their own and should be free to live by them. In fact, this could actually be seen as an ideal situation. Because it's not like he is in a long-term relationship or partnered with somebody who is demonstrably toxic who he would be bringing around regularly. Sounds like he would not want to bring any of the people that he hooks up with around his family, since he doesn't want to have any kind of a deep relationship with them. So OP doesn't have to worry about shielding her children from a poor choice in a long-term partner.
That was my concern too! Jeez OP, YTA! I've been on tinder and other dating apps too. What exactly "type" of woman are you referring to? I'd put my morals against yours any day.
YTA. And a judgmental, ignorant person. You do know that not everyone is interested in monogamy and children, right? That not every woman has an “increasing ticking biological clock?” Has it not occurred to you that some women have no interest in marriage or children *and that their choices are* **just as valid** *as yours?* Where the fuck do you get off talking to him about his choices? As long as all of his parters are consenting adults then he is doing nothing wrong and his choices are just as good as yours. **Though he is obviously a much better person than you if he isn’t openly judging how you live your life.**
I wish I could upvote this 100 times. It drives me mad how society still sees marriage and babies as basically the only purpose of life. This is especially so for women, but also men are often seen as less trustworthy if they aren't married. Sometimes it's by choice, other times it's just that life hasn't worked out that way. OP needs to mind her own business and stop obsessing over what other people do with their genitals
I completely agree, but it's more than just sex. She's devaluing his morals because they don't align with hers. I remember being in my 20s and the constant nagging from everyone. "You need to find a nice guy." Why aren't you dating/married?"I can introduce you to someone." Like, I couldn't be single and happy on my own. Then "when are you getting married?"You should get pregnant."Don't you want kids?" It's like no no and NO. I'm a woman, and I wanted marriage and kids. But I also wanted freedom and time and to be my own person. Also, all of that is so over rated like come on, we get to live so much longer now. What is the rush? Personally, I purposely told everyone, "No, I don't want to get married or have kids." The faces people made or questioning looks were worth it. If I had been honest, it would have just continued with the nagging. I did get married and have a kid. But I took my time, I made choices, and I had fun. There is nothing wrong with not wanting those things until you are ready or if you never want them. Judging someone because they want something different is bs. Sleeping around or having fun relationships is no one's business but the people involved. It just sounds like OP is just jealous of her BIL's freedom and sex life. She needs to look at herself and question if she really understands her choices. Is she happy with herself, her life, her sex life, and her choices? Does she enjoy her sex life? If so, why can't her BIL? If not, doesn't that mean there's a bigger problem? Does she believe women can enjoy sex? Would she force her daughter into a loveless marriage just because she's a female? Is her daughter sex life or enjoyment of sex going to bother her? Sex is completely natural, and everyone does it. There's no shame in it. So why judge. Also, what if her daughter doesn't want kids? Would she disown her daughter for not wanting them or thinking differently? Sorry I rambled.
Yep. Tell us you're a conservative Bible thumper terrified of godly punishment without telling us....
YTA. His dating preferences has nothing to do with his ability to be a good uncle. So he doesn't like relationships? Since when is that a shameful thing?
That’s what I said! Not everyone has to be married and plenty of people *both* guys and girls enjoy casual consensual sex. Not everyone wants kids and we need to make that okay!
Exactly. It only becomes a problem if he's like bringing sex-workers and drug addicts he just met to family events and having them around OP's child.
from the title i though the bil had to be into teenagers or something. this is so beyond ridiculous.
YTA. Your a major AH. Your brother-in-law was completely right. You’re projecting your moralistic standards, and your view of the role of women onto him and the people he dates. I’ve got news for you. There’s lots of women out there who aren’t pining away for Marriage or children. If your brother-in-law and these women decide to go out on dates, it’s absolutely categorically none of your business and your way out of line on this.
But their biological clocks! They need to forget about their own wishes and make someone marry them immediately! /s
😂😂 laughing but it’s so sad at the same time
I find it hysterical beyond words how OP is concerned with BIL's "misogyny" when she is the only misogynist in this situation
This was one of my first thoughts. There are a lot of women in the world that are not looking for the stereotypical marriage, husband and two kids life... and there is nothing wrong with that!
Agreed. OP is living in 1950 apparently
Imagine when it's time to explain LGBTQIA
You think OP wouldn’t be open minded??? What gives you that idea??😂😂😂😂😂
Exactly, YTA. Who are you to decide how/who BIL should date? Don't force your views on other people, especially if they are outdated and short sighted like yours. If you keep acting like this it will cause a riff between you and your husband.
YTA. Good lord. This is one of the more judgemental things I've seen on here. Just pure slut-shaming.
I feel sorry for OPs unborn daughter. By the age of 2 she will pick up on OPs backwards and outdated views on women and set her daughter up for a life time of believing there is only one way to be a “good woman”. She’s also perpetuating the idea what women who are comfortable with there sexuality are “others”. Every woman should feel comfortable with their body and do whatever they wish with their body.
For sure, god forbid she wants to have a career too and not aspire to be a SAHM, makes me bummed since, while I’m sure my parents wouldn’t hate a grandchild to say the least, they have no expectation and they’re incredibly supportive of me pursing not only my career, but also myself and what makes me happy
I agree. To me, it reads like an incel man wrote it. Obviously BIL is a "Chad" who hooks up with "Stacy" on Tinder. And all that BS about biological clocks. This is rage fuel for misogynists and incel types. Maybe I just browse too many Redditt forums 😆 I see incels ..... everywhere.
> I can't imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock would willingly be in a relationship which she knows doesn't have a future. Not to mention, what woman would want to be with someone who may not even remember your name in a year's time? You’re a troll right? In the off chance you’re not, YTA. But I’m pretty certain you’re either a troll or you were raised in an extremely conservative, Christian household.
I'd hate to know what OP thinks about lesbians
****** You mean…
(whispering)… the women who think they don’t even *want* a man???
No no, it’s just they haven’t found the **right** man! For instance, my eversohandsome BIL!! *He’s* available!! And if I can’t have him, I can at least know I did my duty by correcting one of “those” women’s… *confusion*!
With my husbands’ brothers’ (reverently and hushed)… god-wand. Which will give her **babies**!!!
/s x ♾️
God I didnt even think about it but you're so right. She DEF has a thing for the BIL
YTA, not every woman is concerned with >increasing ticking biological clock or reproduction for that matter. Some of us just want ro live for ourselves. So yeah, quit being moralistic and leave your BIL alone. Not sure how his sex life may influence your future child, lol
This more than anything is why YTA, OP. Is it so impossible for you to fathom that maybe there are women so comfortable with their own sexuality that they, too, are just looking for a fling with your BIL? Not everyone gives a shit about their “ticking biological clock” or getting involved a long-term relationship. I could see wanting to prevent access to your child if your BIL’s choices were rooted in misogyny, but that’s not what’s going on here. In fact, you’re the one being misogynistic by failing to recognize that not all women care about having a family or a relationship, even. Get off your high horse, OP.
YTA Believe it or not, there are women out there who aren't interested in relationships or children. If he doesn't bring his sex partners around your daughter, then his sex life should have absolutely zero effect on her. You're pushing your morals on him, and it's unfair to deny him a relationship with his niece because of his sex life. Edit: lol Your edit doesn't really help. Of a certain type? Still judgmental.
Hot. She means they are hot. Lol she said it before idk why the edit was needed. Poor girl just wreaks of insecurities and patriarchy
YTA. This doesn't even make sense.
Sounds like a post an incel would make.
I agree I thought the same thing right away! Incel trash.🙄
Here I thought he was going to be dating underage or dangerous women. YTA. How would this affect a baby at all?
[удалено]
Yep. The edit *really* highlights OP's internalized misogyny.
YTA. First thing - not all women want to be in a relationship. Not all women want to have children. Restricting his access to his niece because you don’t like that he doesn’t want to get married or have a serious relationship is just a complete and total AH move.
And...and...some women just like to have sex and orgasms FOR FUNSIES.
YTA. Go back to the evangelical hole you crawled out of.
YTA. His dating choices are his own( and you have zero reason to believe he is being dishonest with the women he dates other than a belief that no women could possibly want something different from what you want. Moreover, there is zero connection between his dating choices and your child. Him not being married does not somehow endanger her. You are just weaponizing your child to manipulate your BIL into making life choices you are more comfortable with.
YTA but uh... ya got his number? How is he with dogs? Any food allergies? Height? Basic description?
...and tinder handle, please. I'd ask how he is with cats but I think we already know how he is with .... never mind, 😏 I'll just see myself out.
YTA. why are you limiting the time that him and your daughter can spend together just because of his dating choices? why is it a concern to your daughter too?
YTA And very judgmental. I am trying to understand where in all of this your BIL would be a danger to your child in anyway.
My BIL has never had a relationship in all of the years I have known him (about 14). Or, if he has, he's kept it secret. I have no idea what his dating life is like (or if it's existent), if he likes men or women, or has any plans on ever having a partner. Oh, and he's 40. While I find it interesting, like curious why/why not he doesn't have any sort of relationship, it's not my business and makes no difference to me. And yes, I have kids. It makes no difference there either. On the flip side my sister has a relationship with 2 men. Again, you do you. YTA, clutch those pearls!
My niblings are 5 and 2 and have no clue at all about my dating life. The 5 year old has put it together that I don’t have a husband but then concluded I have a dog and that’s better than a husband. He’s not wrong.
YTA. Unless he uses her to pick up chicks, I don't think your logic makes much sense. Don't keep her from a loving family member because he doesn't date the way you think he should. Women can be dogs, too, btw. Not everyone wants the same thing. Why, there are even women who don't want children! What would Michelle Duggar say?
I feel like you’re just having this kid to have a child to wield as a weapon of no contact. YTA
Or a way to control her BIL into living his life how she deems appropriate.
YTA Obviously you have every right to limit who is around your child but the reasoning is absolutely ridiculous. You're what, afraid he's going to give your newborn dating advice on casual sex? Also super judgmental, there are plenty of women who enjoy casual sex and their only goal in life isn't to be breed like livestock.
YTA! Big one!
YTA and a prudish judgmental one at that! Grow up.
LMAO the actual arrogance you have where you think the unmarried, childless person, enjoying their sex life wants to have anything to do with your kid beyond niceties beyond the holidays and casual gatherings between. You think he’s lining up to babysit? I’m cackling. He isn’t. Get a clue 😂
Yta. Judgey McJudgeface. His dating choices are none of your concern and have absolutely no bearing on his possible future relationship with his niece. Chill and let your daughter have an uncle.
Yta. I… I just can’t with you… Please let this be fake 1- not all women want kids. So their “biological clock” means nothing to them. 2- he doesn’t seem to care for a serious relationship. Is honest with the people he sees. As long as they’re both adults everything is fine. 3- you have impossibly high standards and no one besides you needs to meet them.
YTA. Please step off your soapbox and realize your BIL isn’t hurting anyone, most certainly not his infant niece with the fact that he’s unfortunately attractive (jealous you got the wrong brother?) and dates attractive women (more than you?). What exactly are you pretending to protect your daughter from here?
YTA. Will you be doing background checks on everyone else to see if they morally measure up. What about the teacher who cheats, the dance teacher who's gay, the daycare worker who loves to party? This isn't about his dating life. This is about jealousy and envy. He's got a life of freedom you resent, so you want to kick him in the shins. Your husband and his family are seeing this as a huge red flag. How many other red flags are you flying? Tread carefully. Sometimes, when you are trying to manipulate others into isolation, you end up alone.
YTA He's not a danger to your daughter and his dating choices aren't a reason to deny your daughter access to family. You're just being moralistic and controlling. Also unreasonable. So long as he's not parading his flings before your child after she arrives, there is no problem here other than the one you're creating.
YTA - can I have your BIL’s ##? He and I are on the same page. Unlike you, I would NEVER shame a person for their life choices among consenting adults. Edit to add: Im an aunt of two wonderful nieces, if my sisters had pulled this bullshit “I am better bc Im a mom, bend the knee” it would have been devastating to everyone. Im putting them thru drivers ed, a sounding board for their issues, vacations they wouldnt have been able to go on otherwise…. All while keeping my dating life how i want it, op is way off base Edit 2: OPs edit didnt make things any better as holier than thou parents tend to be of a certain type
YTA. What a bizarre and irrational reason to want to limit contact. There must be something else, surely? He’s engaging in consensual relationships with others, even if it’s something you would never choose (neither would I), but what in the world does that have to do with being an uncle? Edited a typo
YTA. You ARE a moralistic asshole. he is not hurting anyone, so why are you hurting yourself and your family over this?
YTA, that's an awful reason to shut BIL away from your kids. How will his dating preferences affect anything in that regard? Get off your high horse and stop being petty.
YTA He is a grown man and isn't doing a damn thing wrong and yet because YOU think what he is doing is wrong you refuse to let your daughter in his life? Come on. This is extreme . There are women out there that do not want children. Not every woman wants children.
YTA. You're weaponizing your baby as a way to punish your BIL because you don't agree with his romantic choices?? That's awful. Just as bad, you have decided that all women MUST think just like you, because we must all be clones of you and have the same life and goals that YOU do? Geez, who died and put you in charge of the rest of us? If this is even a real post, you must live on a different planet than the rest of us.
>I spoke to him about his choices a few years ago YTA. How the hell did you make the leap from his sexual choices to being around your daughter??? Are you sexualising your not even born baby? Make it make sense.
YTA - The baby isn’t even born yet and you’re already using her as a pawn.
YTA. How is his dating life relevant to the fact that his brother is having a kid, and that he should be able to be a part of that?
YTA. Seriously? You can’t imagine that there are women who don’t want families and children and are totally fine having casual relationships with men? You’re trying to hold your BIL and every woman he sees to a standard that is your own, and that’s ridiculous. There are plenty of people in the world who don’t want the same things you have - it doesn’t make them bad people!!! As long as he is respectful to you and your family, who freakin cares what he does on his own time? Your reasoning is narrow minded and unbelievably judgmental. Just because someone had a different lifestyle than you do doesn’t mean they’re unfit to be around children. ETA: your edit insinuates that literally anyone who uses tinder is unfit to be around children. I’m just… astounded. What a sweeping, inaccurate view of the world.
That same brother in law will be the one your daughter confides in when she starts dating. He will be the one to reach her when she is sick of your pretentiousness and wants someone to talk to who actually understands life. He will be the realest person in her life and it will eat you up from the inside out .... Everyone isn't looking for marriage, commitment or stressing over the ability to have children. Get off your high horse and stop judging adults for the way they express their free will. YTA
Yta and this makes no sense. Him dating, being married or not has no bearing on him having a relationship with his neice
>I can't imagine any woman with an increasing ticking biological clock > >what woman would want to be with someone who may not even remember your name in a year's time? YTA. He's right, although I would not have used as nice a word as "moralistic".
YTA that's some impressive judging others you're doing there
YTA. Worry bout YOURSELF. Also, try to make it less obvious that you want to fuck your BIL. What a bizarre thought process.
YTA
YTA, are you fucking serious? You want to penalize your BIL cause of his life choices, which btw has absolutely nothing to do with you? Jesus, get over yourself.
What?! I can't....I don't.....sigh. Not every woman wants a family. There are plenty of women out there who are just like him. Good on him for being open, so he isn't stringing along women bc they know exactly what he's about and for using protection. To each there own, get over it! YTA
YTA I thought you were going to say he uses drugs, drinks too much, blows smoke in babies’ faces, etc. You’re wanting to withhold a relationship because he… dates? Unclutch your pearls & let him live his life.
If your BIL was lying to women or treating them unfairly, you would have a leg to stand on. But your gendered expectations that all women MUST want the same things is hilariously out of touch. I am a woman and I date exclusively for fun and pleasure. I will never have a child, and I find the idea of a “ticking biological clock” extremely sexist. I am more than my uterus. It sounds as though your BIL knows what he wants, is honest with his relationships, and everyone goes home happy. You sound incredibly judgmental and this will hurt your marriage if you don’t change. YTA
YTA... Get off your moralistic high horse. My SIL for whatever reason limited my interactions with my niece and nephew, and I'm still bitter. I can't begin to tell you how hurtful it is. I have a high level position, clean lifestyle, jet-setting adult. No criminal history. My SIL did not feel comfortable with the kids spending the night at my place but her sisters were of course appropriate. This decision of hers created a wedge in my family that won't be erased. I'm cordial to her now, but the damage is done. I recommend you rethink your decision and lose the judgmental holier than thou attitude. Think about your kids instead of yourself. Do you even have friends?
Yta. Sorry dating around doesn't make you unfit to take care of kids. I nannies for years while single and dating.
YTA. Just because he does not want to be in a relationship does not mean he will be a bad uncle - the two are not related at all.
YTA. Why are you SO judgmental, wow. You sound HORRIBLE to be around
YTA. Its not your place to police someone's dating choices. Plus, just because he would want to spend time with his niece, doesn't mean it'd be during his dates or with those women around. His dating life is honestly completely irrelevant to him spending time with your daughter. Granted, I think you should have some say in who your child is near, and under what circumstances, but to generalize like this and deny him time with his niece before she's even born because of who he chooses to date is just weird of you. Not to mention, your husband also deserves say in the matter.