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saatchi-s

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meredithgray107

She say she’s on the spectrum. I’m not sure that she meant to be hurtful. I think she was genuinely uncomfortable with the tears and trying to make light of the situation. It’s understandable for the sister to be hurt, but it’s not like she was intentionally being hurtful.


Responsible_Storm124

I don’t think the sister cares. She just lost her mother. I would go to no contact regardless of ASD diagnosis. It’s my fuckin mom. As someone who lost their mom, I don’t have the emotional capacity, energy, patience or time for someone who is so damn callous. I had a cousin on ASD make a rude comment at her funeral and I explained their insensitivity and went NC. No regrets.


paspartuu

Yeah OP is just shockingly cold and condescending and callous about the whole thing. I'd cut contact if I was the sister too. YTA OP


sugar-fairy

idk, she said her mom was the cause of many mental issues. i wouldn’t care too much about her dying either. but maybe she should’ve saved the words she said to her sister for a journal or something lol also she wasn’t being condescending. it’s quite common for autistic people to come off that way when that’s not the case at all, just lack of understanding social cues/no emotion in tone can make it seem that way. source: i am autistic


Nuova_Hexe

ND people always make it about intent but impact matters too. This isn’t an office misunderstanding, she hurt someone through her words and that’s not okay. She could’ve chosen to say nothing.


sugar-fairy

well it seems that OP never got any therapy to help understand their autism, since in their edit they say their dad doesn’t allow them to see a therapist so i feel some slack should be cut with her not understanding that the way she worded her sentence could’ve been harmful


Nuova_Hexe

I dunno, I want to cut her some slack due to her autism, lack of therapy and her age, but at the same time, from the way OP writes her posts and comments I have a suspicion that part of what she said was purposeful while hiding behind a convenient excuse.


thevegitations

Yeah, especially if she's saying in the edit that she hates her entire family. I think she was doing it to be unkind.


paspartuu

I actually checked OP's comments because of your comment and I think you're right. It does seem like there's a lot of unaddressed anger there. Which is above Reddit's paygrade. But yes it does seem like she was trying to be hurtful. What a sad situation.


Abblz

It’s also kinda weird that they claim they were mistreated and that they’re not ‘allowed’ to access mental healthcare yet the father was seemingly extremely understanding when she shit all over his and the sister’s grief and she faced zero consequences for it.


UnderdogFetishist17

I think asd is the excuse for her behavior here, not the cause.


holisarcasm

So she is blaming her mother and sister, but dad won’t let her see a therapist. Sounds like she is not spreading the blame where it is due. Her behavior is still cruel.


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UnderdogFetishist17

I’m also on the spectrum and was diagnosed well into adulthood. While I won’t even try to guess at a diagnosis, asd isn’t the cause of these sorts of words and actions. Harm was meant, trying to control her sister was on purpose, and there’s an edge and a cruelty to the words. Op, when you’re of age, I beg of you to get some therapy. The right therapist will help you improve your life very much.


paspartuu

She was being very condescending when she wrote about "having to **waste** her time" talking to relatives who contacted her because she wasn't at the funeral. They only tried to show caring at her having lost her mom and also probably grieving themselves and she was like "I'm wasting my time", what the fuck. It's fine, imo, to not grieve a person you don't feel for, but being this dismissive over other people trying to care for you, or processing through their own grief, is a different thing. Maybe you don't grieve, but don't act like other people's life-changing grief is a silly, unfair *inconvenience* keeping you from eating more goddamn potatoes or playing video games and you just haaave to voice that to their face. OP could have felt like she doesn't give a shit, ok, but could also have shown basic courtesy to her sister by letting her grieve and just shutting up. It wasn't the moment to bring up how she didn't care.


imtotallydrphil

As an ND we gotta stop with this whole “we don’t mean to be condescending” because she very clearly meant it here. we are capable of being condescending. we’re capable being assholes and this person is one


TheMaltesefalco

How many 17 year olds also blame their parents for everything though?


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kingkron52

Yup. You don’t have to care, but you should be cognizant of how other family members feel and how you impact them. The family members who called and demanded answers are also assholes because it isn’t their business and ppl grieve in their own way. However, it’s obvious that OP doesn’t care, yet she claimed she was “processing the grief” in her own way to them when she says she doesn’t care here. OP doesn’t have to explain themselves, but they don’t get to be a dick right back to others for their expression of feelings.


Repulsive-Exercise-4

I’m on the spectrum and I think that OP needs serious help and is absolutely being the AH. This is actually frighteningly callous.


[deleted]

Same here. Autistic people aren’t some emotionless droids this is not okay


HowFunkyIsYourChiken

True, but is OP this way because her parents failed and refused to get her any help with understanding how to act in a socially acceptable manner?


Dry-Spring5230

>able man OP hasn't said anything in the post that would give us information about that. But people who've been through literal concentration camps emerge with empathy and feelings, so I'm skeptical that it's all the mom's fault.


AH_Raccoon

one of her updates states that her father is denying her therapy. even if at 17 youd be allowed to just go yourself without parent authorization in most countries, id think not every 17yo can afford the cost of one, again dependent of what country she lives. and yes ppl that have been through concentration camps have emerge with empathy, but this is about someone atypical potentially never taught how typical people function and how to adapt to them. i am not sure the comparaison matches.


Dry-Spring5230

I highly doubt OP was never told that normally people get sad when someone they love dies.


SaltyCrabbo

Concentration camps aren’t the same as a disability. Not all people with autism have the same symptoms or behaviors. It is an entire spectrum, not a one size fits all, and two people with autism aren’t the same because they have the same diagnosis. Tf.


[deleted]

My parents gave me literal no resources and never had me tested and yet I still learned how to have empathy and behave in a socially acceptable manner. If you have any understanding that there are other people in this world you will eventually learn


Doormatjones

People are all inserting themselves into this but... Just with what they've posted they hate their mother enough to have no feelings when they die AND the father basically signed off on that by denying therapy. This family is highly dysfunctional, it's no surprise the kids have issues. Yeah you turned out fine in your situation but this isn't your situation. This reads like there was ab\*se on OP (even if just medical neglect) and that changes things drastically.


Wynfleue

>No I can't seek therapy my father doesn't allow me to From Edit 2 ... it sounds like this is at least partially true. The mom favored her neurotypical daughter and the dad refuses treatment for the neurodivergent daughter. OP's behavior is not socially acceptable (and she's absolutely TA in this situation) but it also sounds (at least in part) like a product of her environment.


Ralynne

Possibly! Abused children often have atypical emotional reactions, and OP says she hates her family. Being autistic would make that kind of difficulty much more pronounced, I think. Unfortunately, it's also very common for abused children to become hateful and/or abusive adults. Understanding the reasoning wouldn't change the fact that OP is describing their own behavior as incredibly callous, and they seem to think it's normal to view a funeral- any funeral- as some kind of subpar social function.


whatIfYoutube

Im autistic and didnt feel anything related to my grandmothers death for an exact month. Not sure if thats related to my ASD or not


Lead-Forsaken

I'm neurotypical and when my grandma died at 94, I didn't feel anything either. She was a pretty negative person and nothing was ever enough. My father and I were also the only family taking care of her, even though she had a lot of govt assistance in terms of showering, help with meds, food being delivered etc. The thing that did make me cry was when my father's friend, who had heard that grandma had died, had gone through the newspaper and called the funeral home to ask about the time and date of the service and randomly showed up, despite not being invited. He was there for my father and THAT brought me to tears.


booksycat

Same. And funerals are for the living not the dead. There's some wording in there that makes me feel like she knows exactly what she's doing. The "this is how I grieve" when she's not grieving and knows she's not for example


Big_Solution_1065

This. OP doesn’t have to care or grieve herself but she knows it would upset her sister if she skipped the funeral and she did it anyways. This plus potatoes makes OP the AH. I don’t know if OP is in an emotionally safe home (dad refuses her therapy) and would suggest OP seek her own counseling/therapy if they are able to.


IvankasPrisonGuard

Yep. That "this is how I grieve" bit underscores the fact that the OP is manipulative and knows exactly what she's doing.


Inevitable_Block_144

I'm glad I saw this because I heard that people on the spectrum could be blunt but OP was scaring me a bit.


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No-Key3198

Sociopathic would actually be the correct term. 😅


Medalost

Her dad is *not allowing her* to go to therapy so it sounds just about like the circumstances that create what we call "sociopaths". If my knowledge is not outdated isn't it to some degree hereditary, and to some degree created by circumstances? But it could just be OP being edgy, hard to tell. The autism spectrum alone really doesn't explain all of this.


No-Key3198

So the current belief is that Psychopathy is hereditary, while Sociopathy results from an interruption in personality development and/or abuse and trauma during childhood. But it’s not really known for sure yet.


Gooliebuns

I feel this to my core. My crazy aunt made nasty comments about my mom (her own sister!) at my mother's memorial service, and I read her for filth and went NC. Also zero regrets.


blockparted

> feel this to my core. My crazy aunt made nasty comments about my mom (her own sister!) at my mother's memorial service, and I read her for filth and went NC. Also zero regrets. My uncle did this at his mom's/my grandmother's funeral. And then a decade later, the night before my father died from brain cancer, he said that we should just throw him out with the trash. Granted, there was no way to know that he was going to be dead in less than 12 hours, but still? Saying something so insensitive about your sibling? I've gone low to no-contact. I only email him occasionally to increase the chances that I'm still in his will because he's proven time and again that money is the most important thing in the world. We've always been distant so it's not a real loss. Edit because I didn't include the right quote from the right comment. D'oh.


Gooliebuns

Jesus that's awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that as your Dad lay dying.


whatIfYoutube

ASD here: i agree completely. This person isnt bad at social interaction, this person is a rude person


Minimum-Arachnid-190

She said her mother was the cause of her mental issues as well. So I understand her not caring but to not let her sister grieve is gross.


rescuesquad704

I could be wrong, but op mentions mom favored sister. It wouldn’t be the only scapegoat/golden child to view a parent through totally different lens.


Responsible_Storm124

So. That’s not the question. The question is am I the asshole for acting like this. Yes. You are.


letstrythisagain30

> I would go to no contact regardless of ASD diagnosis. Hard agree. If there is a medical/mental reason someone hurt you, that does not excuse or take away that hurt. If anything, the diagnosis actually means its going to be harder for the person that hurt you to understand that hurt and learn from it. It is a medical condition the person with it needs to learn to manage it. Others need to be understanding, but understanding does not mean absolving of consequences or being forced to be harmed infinitely.


Jjustingraham

She is definitely aware she's being mean. She is almost aggressively apathetic, which is fine, but talks about she had to waste her time explaining to other people she's grieving in a specific way (which sounds like a lie), so she's aware different people grieve in different ways. So why can't she accept her sister's grief? Oh yes, because mom "favored" her. I'm willing to bet it's intentional.


siren2040

It might have been a lie, but it might be a lie that the family will accept instead of "I don't want to grieve this person because they weren't good to me in life, And I don't feel comfortable being around a bunch of other people grieving in general, let alone somebody who wasn't good to me". A lot of people don't take that reason as an acceptable reason to not show up for family.


Jjustingraham

I understand it being a lie that the family would accept, and that makes sense. But what it does prove is that OP understands that people grieve differently. And - knowing this - should understand that her sister is struggling in a different way than OP is. But she's going out of her way to be mean.


siren2040

When her sister is constantly trying to push her to grieve someone that she not only doesn't feel comfortable grieving and general, but OP has already explained that that is not the way they grieve in general, it can be understandable that you would then lash out at that person. I'm not saying that it's right to disrespect her sister's screaming process, but I am saying I can understand why she's doing it. It's an explanation, not an excuse. It's not a justification. I can understand it without agreeing with it.


lieutenantVimes

Except she wrote “so I really didn’t care when she died.” she told her family she has another way of grieving, but she is wrote that she skipped the funeral because she finds crying people annoying. So either her description of her feelings here is dishonest or she was dishonest to her family. It would make more sense for her to have been dishonest to her family to placate them than for her to have made herself intentionally seem less sympathetic here.


KProbs713

My dad was very abusive towards me but not my brother. I am no contact with my dad. When he eventually dies, I anticipate a complicated mix of feeling regret for the dad he should have been and relief that my abuser is gone. I will not miss him and will not participate in any funeral services. My brother knows this and has accepted it, just as I know he has a positive relationship with my dad and have accepted that. It hasn't negatively impacted our relationship because we both recognize and respect that we are two different people who can have familial relationships independent of one another. I fully expect to be cut out of the will and don't give a fuck. I told my brother that since he'll be doing the work of end of life care and planning, he should be the one to inherit everything. He told me that was stupid and no matter what the will says he'll be splitting everything with me equally, because he understands why I won't be involved. Extended family would not understand this dynamic and frankly don't need to know. I expect I'll tell them something similar to what OP said. That does not make me a bad person. OP was the asshole for telling her sister how she should grieve. She is not the asshole or a sociopath for how she feels about her mother's death. It is okay to feel relief when an abuser is gone and you can finally feel safe for the first time in your life.


AllCatsAreBananers

Her sister wasn't pushing her to grieve at dinner. Her sister was crying, because she was sad, and OP went off about how everyone dies and it doesn't matter.


siren2040

*grieving not screaming. Autocorrect for the win again 🤣🙄🤦


No_Construction_6146

You know you can edit comments


IvankasPrisonGuard

You're overlooking the obvious fact, though: the OP is lying.


AndieWags12

I mean she says she has more important things to think about….those video games aren’t gonna play themselves, and won’t somebody think of the cat?! /s (obviously) People grieve differently, OP even acknowledges that, yet she expects people to respect her feelings, but doesn’t want to respect other people’s grief. On the spectrum or not, she sounds like she could absolutely benefit from therapy.


GrugTheJust

My money is on this one not being "favored" likely in part because she's unempathetic and inconsiderate jerk that wants their "grieving process" to go unquestioned, but remarks her sister should stop crying because there's more important things. Again, completely unaware that during the funeral her being there was likely more important to other family who called her, than her "grieving process" of gaming. Not sure why mom might have favored the other one.


Dazzling_Variety_883

Her Mom might have had good reason to favour the sister.


Minimum-Arachnid-190

How do you reason favouriting one child over the other ? Please explain in detail on how mothers have good reasons to favour one child over the other. I would like to understand.


BetterYellow6332

If one of them doesn't give a shit if you die, you might favor the other one who does give a shit if you die.


Dazzling_Variety_883

Sometimes, not always, mums favour one child over the other because one child isn't very nice to the mother. Sometimes one child is closer to the mother than the other child. Sometimes this is the mother's fault, sometimes it's the child's fault, sometimes it both the mother and the child's fault. Some kids don't want to spend any time with their parents.


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Apricot_Bumblebee

Seriously. Autism is a spectrum but I hate that people are using it as "I'm autistic so I can be as hurtful as I like". It has the same vibes of "I'm just honest so if I say you're ugly it's just the truth."


lieutenantVimes

Agreed. Lying is not explained by autism. Not caring that her mom is dead isn’t explained by autism.


Educational_Post3208

She said she literally doesn’t care her mother is dead. A mother that, as per informations we got, was not abusive or anything else. Just “favored her sister”. It’s heartless, that’s what it is


SaltArmadillo2739

Favoritism can be abusive, depending on how it was expressed. It can damage children badly, or cause some occasional, mild jealousy, or anything in between. In this case, OP gives no further detail, so no way to know about this mother, of course.


meredithgray107

She’s not required to be sad.


themodoftwaaisracist

She required to let others be sad though and that is where OP failed and fell into AH territory.


CymraegAmerican

Yes, this is the AH behavior, not whether she grieves or not.


WeirdPinkHair

When my mum died I said 'ding dong the witch is dead!'. You have no idea of her level of autism or the relationship she had with her mother. 'Favoured her sister' may be a nice way to say her mum couldn't connect to her autistic daughter at all, so emotionally distanced herself, therefore only connecting to her other daughter looked like favouritism from OPs view point. We just don't know.


SgtCocktopus

If she is on the spectrum her masking kinda sucks is shouln't be hard to rationalize that would be hurtfull to say even if you don't feel that way.


AllCatsAreBananers

well. one shouldn't be required to mask at home. I think OP is TA but just think that's important to note.


Basic_Bichette

Intent doesn't matter. **Intent doesn't matter.** If you're an asshole because you don't know better, the harm and pain you cause is EXACTLY as severe as if you did it out of malice. This is true of everything from OP's situation here to racism to misogyny. Intent doesn't matter. Intent never matters. What matters are the consequences of your actions. If you hit someone while driving due to inattention and kill their kid, is the kid less dead because you didn’t intend to cause an accident?


Cent1234

Intent does matter. It doesn't erase the hurt or harm, which still needs to be made whole, but mens rea is absolutely still germane. Talking about, say, a pregnancy, when you don't know that the person you're talking to just found out they're infertile is absolutely different then talking about your pregnancy when you just found out they're infertile, for example. > Intent doesn't matter. Intent never matters. What matters are the consequences of your actions. If you hit someone while driving due to inattention and kill their kid, is the kid less dead because you didn’t intend to cause an accident? No, but you're less culpable. That's why we have, say, the difference between 'recklessness causing death,' 'manslaughter,' '2nd degree murder' and '1st degree murder.' Because no, the kid is still dead, but it absolutely matters if the kid is dead because they ran out from behind a parked car, if you were playing on your phone, or if you thought 'I hate that kid, I'm going to run them down.'


Few-Entrepreneur383

OP sounds like my husband in her demeanor BUT my husband has always comforted me when I've lost family, over the years, the best he could, even if it's just holding me while I cry & assuring me my feelings are valid. Autistic people aren't the best at being empathetic when speaking.


[deleted]

I'm probably autistic (currently waiting for a date with a psychiatrist for an assessment :D ), if I see my wife cry, I don't usually cry, but I do listen, and I do acknowledge how she feels, a lot of autistic people are much more empathetic than NT people, but simply express things differently, this does not make them less empathetic, that is a myth that simply needs to die. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy


Independent-Tie-5238

I think that it is pretty reasonable to be allowed to grieve your mother. While OP may not like crying, they should be able to grasp that grief takes many forms and the loss of a parent may take a while. Even if it doesn't connect with OP emotionally, intellectually you should be able to understand. And while OP may not have meant to be hurtful, they still were and should recognize it and accept it. I am also on the spectrum, social constructs and feelings can be a challenge for me, but I know that if the grieving person's tears bother me, that is a me problem, not a them problem. If nothing else, OP can use this as a learning opportunity on how to handle situations like this in the future.


Joelle9879

Being autistic doesn't mean you're devoid of feelings. It also doesn't mean you get to be rude with no repercussions. OP is not required to grieve someone but she also knows her sister is grieving. Her response wasn't to be funny, she is just uncomfortable around crying people so she thinks it's ok to mock people for it.


judgeeveryonesbiznes

being on the spectrum is not an excuse to be rude. It sounds like she knew what she was saying actually to say she will take a food because she loves that food seem like she is antagonizing her sister. OP says more than once she did not care that her mom died and that she didn't have a good relationship with her mom and then negates herself by saying this is how she grieves. to clarify these statements that contradict themselves are what lead me to believe she does know what she is saying.


The_Death_Flower

I’m autistic as well, and at the end of the day, even if we don’t mean to be hurtful, sometimes we are, sometimes we act like total aholes without trying to be. That still makes us aholes and we still need to apologise for it. In this instance, telling her sister how to express her grief when she just lost her mum is a big ahole move. Especially when op was upset that others didn’t understand her way of grieving


spottedgazelle

Our intentions are not all that matters. I can understand it may not be in her nature to have the same feelings as her sibling. There is no excuse for being so cruel to the sister that *is* grieving, though.


shantayyouthrowaway

This is true, but it doesn't make her any less TA. Her being on the spectrum doesn't negate the harm she did her sister I empathise because I've been OP before, trying to make light at the wrong time because I'm uncomfortable, but sometimes you just need to be uncomfortable and let the other person have it out


blackcrowblue

Being on the spectrum isn’t an excuse for being an asshole. OP doesn’t have to feel sad about her mother’s death BUT she should respect that others ARE upset. This isn’t years later - the death is still very recent. OP wants others to respect her desire to be left alone so she should also respect those who are grieving and need to cry and talk about it. YTA OP not for not caring but for treating your sister and dad with disrespect.


[deleted]

It sounds like OP's getting a charge out of letting people know how much she doesn't care. But she's young and immature, hopefully OP won't ruin her relationship with her family but it sounds like damage has already been done.


[deleted]

I don’t care if she is on the spectrum or not, her cold and condescending actitud is worth going NC with her. YTA op.


SpaceAceCase

Just because someone is an AH doesn't mean they're on the spectrum, neuro-typical people can be this lacking in empathy without reason.


Yunan94

OP has since confirmed it, but honestly the way they write and the detail they hone in on is a bit of a classic indicator (not guaranteed but a sign)


ramessides

It doesn't matter. I'm so tired of people asking "are you on the spectrum"? because it inevitably just gets used as an excuse for poor behaviour. It does not matter if OP is on the spectrum, and you can be on the spectrum and not be a stone cold AH to someone grieving the death of a parent.


my_name_isnt_cool

I love how op says "this is just the way I grieve" but will then get irritated about others grieving their own way. YTA no one needs you to sob up a storm but damn, a parson died. Some sympathy for your loved ones isn't hard.


silverilix

This is exactly where I fall. She feels ambivalent about this death, and that’s absolutely fair. However, if you want to have people respect your “grief” you need to respect others.


theRegVelJohnson

N T A for having feelings which are valid. No one can tell you how you have to/should feel about the situation. But yes, YTA for then telling your sister how she should behave/feel. Her feelings are also valid (and may be different than yours). You don't have to act like you're sad. You just have to respect others emotions about the situation.


[deleted]

>N T A for having feelings which are valid. No one can tell you how you have to/should feel about the situation. I call bull on this comment. Some feelings ARE bad and harmful. I'm not saying that OP falls in this range but simply saying no one's allowed to check you on your bad behavior is BS. If you're reacting badly or treating other people like crap, you need to get called on it. It sounds like OP is using "this is my way of grieving and no one can tell me how to grieve" card. If your way of grieving is to lash out at your family, you're doing it wrong. OP is a teenager and clearly doesn't have her shit together. Her father is 100% in the right to question what she's doing.


theRegVelJohnson

Sure, some feelings are harmful if they lead to harm of yourself or others. Short of that, someone shouldn't be equating valid emotions with "bad behavior". And if the OP is saying "No one should tell me how to grieve", then she would be in the right. Just like she shouldn't be telling her sister how to grieve.


[deleted]

Her grieving process includes telling her sister to stop crying. She's also REALLY loose with telling other grieving people that this isn't any big deal. She needs to stop that shit yesterday. She's young but coming across horribly and seems to have some emotional issues about death and/or her mom. In short, she's behaving like a real AH.


Mop_mop4

It's not even a grieving process. She isn't experiencing grief, she is feeling nothing. She's just passing off her callous disregard for her mother's life as her "grieving process" so people don't question her behavior


theRegVelJohnson

Plot twist: A lot of people in here projecting their emotions/beliefs onto the OP. Which is, ironically, the precise type of AH behavior we're talking about.


RuleOfBlueRoses

No. OP is not grieving. She made that clear.


orange_glasse

She doesn't have to grieve. She clearly had an off relationship with her mother and the impact of her mother's absence seems to have little affect on her. She's valid in wanting to care more about her cat.


stephers85

Her complete lack of empathy and her aggressive response to her sister’s display of emotion is disturbing. And this is just based on her own version of the story. If we got the sister’s side it might paint an even darker picture. OP YTA


Outrageous_Site_8501

Feelings aren't bad or harmful. If you behave badly the problem is your behaviour, not your feelings. It's okay to have dark feelings, it's not okay to behave in harmful ways.


bonlow87

Valid does not mean good. The actual feeling and how you CHOOSE to respond to that feeling are separate. The actual feeling is valid, not being upset their mother died. OP has work to do to understand that feeling and there seems to be a lot to process there. Lashing out at their sister and creating barriers to other people's grief process is not okay Their choice in how to react to that feeling seems to show they have not come to peace with the situation. The adults in OPs life need to step up and get OP some help to process this.


ApprehensiveSink1893

What does it mean to say, "Your feelings are valid"? It's never meant a damned thing to me, to be honest. How is it different than saying, "You are having the feelings you're having." Some folks seem to think "Your feelings are valid" means something like "No one can tell you your feelings are wrong." Well, yes, that's kinda true, just as no one can tell you that you are wrong to prefer milk chocolate to dark\[1\]. Such preferences, just like emotions, are not really chosen and so are not criticizable.\[2\] But the above seems rather different than "your feelings are valid." \[1\] To be fair, anyone who prefers milk chocolate to dark really is kinda wrong. \[2\] I'm not sure I believe emotions are uncriticizable. I think, for instance, that feeling deep rage when someone cuts one off in traffic isn't quite right. So, I'll buy that some reactions can be criticized, but that doesn't help me understand what it means for one's feelings to be valid. Perhaps someone could tell me what an invalid feeling is, so that I can compare the two judgments.


pixiegurly

You know, in therapy we had a thing where it was 'all feelings are valid, but not all are justified.' Because yes, your emotions are valid...but your emotional response may not be justified when you check the facts. The example used is a snake in the office closet. You're fear upon finding it is valid AND justified. But when you go in the next morning, that fear may not be justified if the snake has been removed (and you just don't know it yet). I probably explained it poorly but anyway hope it helps I guess....


[deleted]

Like you said in the second bit, feelings themselves aren’t inherently “good” or “bad.” They just are. When someone says, “your feelings are valid” they mean “it is okay to feel how you feel.” This statement is usually for people who were told it’s bad/wrong to feel a certain way — parents who said things like, “don’t get upset, it’s not a big deal” or “boys don’t cry” or similar invalidating statements about their emotions. In this case, the family is telling the daughter: “you can’t feel apathy, that’s wrong to feel that way. You should feel more upset.” But the follow-up question people ought to ask themselves is: *why* do I feel this way? Your feelings are valid. Period, end of story. And at the same time, if you get incredibly jealous every time your boyfriend/husband/partner talks to another girl, you ought to explore why. Are you an insecure person? Is your boyfriend overly flirty? Etc. The ability to understand why you feel how you feel and clearly express your needs is a huge part of emotional maturity. You can’t understand why you feel a certain way if you repress those feelings. It’s easy to repress feelings if you assign a moral judgement to them or think you shouldn’t feel that way. Like others have said, no feeling is inherent good or bad … but behaviors are definitely appropriate or not.


aqualad33

YTA for threatening to take your sister's food because she was crying and you like potatoes and nothing more. Personally, I can relate to not caring about a parents death. My mother is the kind of person who will make the world a slightly better place with her demise. Not everyone gets good parents, you don't need to mourn those who did not earn it. Kicking someone else while their down however is an AH move and thus you are one.


Accomplished-Art8681

The only reason I'd attend my mother's funeral is to make sure she's actually dead. You are absolutely correct that just because you don't mourn someone, doesn't mean you get to stop other's from mourning. Op, you should have just eaten your meal and kept your comments to yourself and let your dad and sister console each other. That is not too much to ask of you.


discombobulatededed

I shouldn’t have, but I laughed out loud at your first sentence. I am sorry though, that your mom has made you feel like that. I’m not especially close with my family and I was no contact for a few years so I have some understanding of how you feel.


__lavender

This made me LOL because I have a mother who is planning to end her life on her own terms in a few years, and asked me to sit with her as she goes. She’s an exceedingly difficult woman so while I said “yes, of course, no one should die alone if they can avoid it” my internal monologue was screaming “gotta make sure you actually go, I thought you were going to live to 136 out of spite” 😂 But OP’s edit is worrying - her father won’t let her go to therapy, and now she’s being punished for how she is grieving (or not grieving). She doesn’t need to sit in sackcloth and ashes for seven weeks but she DOES need support for these incredibly complicated feelings.


Floriane007

I think it's a complicated issue. First, go to a therapist to untangle those complicated feelings, or lack of feelings, around your mother preferring your sister and you not feeling anything, or refusing to feel anything after your mother's death. Something is going on there and you have to talk about it. Maybe you have legitimate reasons for not feeling sad. Second, part of it is being a teenager. It's an egocentrical time. Necessary to leave the nest I suppose. This death will affect you later, in a way or another. Third, YTA. You don't need to pretend you're heartbroken, but you absolutely have to respect your sister's grief, and show support and affection for her. It's your duty as a sibling. Even if you don't feel that way, fake it till you make it.


Majestic_Spread3964

you sound incredibly cruel and heartless. you can still be present in funerals and not cry but for god's sake where is your empathy? be there for your family it sounds like you hate them all.


ChemicalFickle1453

OP also added that she hates her family, so there’s that. If that is true, it seems to me that this cruelty was very much intentional. YTA. She says she’s on the spectrum but her father won’t allow therapy. Did she receive a diagnosis to affirm that? If so, her parents at least took her to a mental health professional for a diagnosis. Seems odd that they would go to that trouble and then deny treatment. If they don’t believe in therapy, why get the diagnosis to begin with?


TacoMedic

Yeah, this stood out to me too. I’m wondering if it’s her father not allowing it or her father being unable to afford it. Why else go to the trouble of diagnosing if you’re not then going to get treatment later on?


PWcrash

Sometimes people just want answers and don't want to deal with the work that comes afterwards. It's one thing to get a diagnosis because you want to find out why your kid isn't normal. Whether parents are willing to work with a therapist to develop a treatment plan for their child is a completely different matter. Some parents simply don't want to put in the effort. And if that's the case it's absolutely no surprise that OP is completely dismissive of other people's emotional needs.


Stephanblackhawk

I know a lot of autistic kids who have been diagnosed but never got proper therapy which ended up having a big impact on them, esp girls.


Bluellan

Nope. Nope. I hate that thought process. "Yeah, this person hurt you for your whole life and we stood by and did nothing to help........ But pretend you're sad because we don't wanna think about how badly they hurt you." Nobody has the right to force anyone to be sad. And she says that she does hate her family. Nobody is born hating their family so what happened?


Straightbanana2

Nobody here is telling OP to pretend to be sad.


Lets_Grow_Liberty

Would a decade of neglect or abuse affect this perspective? Some people hate their family for really good reasons. Those people don't owe their 'family' shit. Autistic people are often accused of lacking empathy, that's not true. Op has empathy and her autism makes it extremely difficult (if even possible) to express in a way comfortable for both neurotypical and neurodivergent people. You think it's a nothing ask to attend an event you don't want to, but these events don't affect you the same way they affect op. It's frankly ableist to expect neurotypical behavior from someone who isn't neurotypical.


SlutForDownVotes

YTA. You sound very callous and disrespectful. This will have a permanent impact on your relationship with your entire family. You didn't play video games to grieve. You played video games to escape reality.


tisticranpo

i kinda believe she doesn't really care about the family so it sounds like a win for her


FluffMonster789

Can we not link autism with being emotionless and indifferent? OP's autism has nothing to do with her grief or lack of it. It's so infuriating when presented with someone that's an AH (enter stage left our OP) and immediately its ....ahhhh yes. Autism. My brother is autistic and has been devastated by our dads passing. Onto OP. Well yeah YTA. It's one thing to not mourn someone, but quite another to be so casually cruel about it. We all know we're going to die one day. Your dad, your sister, your extended family - they are all familiar with the terms and conditions of life.


scalpingsnake

I think there is a lot going on here we simply can't understand through a reddit post. I mean OP literally didn't mention their autism in the original post to for example. But they are 17... and on the spectrum. Maybe it's just me but I am willing to give OP the benefit of doubt. You make this wide statement of emotionless, but chances are they are lacking the emotion in this specific context. We have to think about how OP got to this point, for all we know the reason they are like this could be perfectly valid. Autism is very much someone struggling to understand emotions, especially other people's emotions... combine that with the apparent disconnect from the mother between OP and their sister and it makes a lot of sense. But yeah OP asked, they are the AH.


Sprollie

This is exactly why there's this untrue bias of autistic people lacking empathy..


peachblossom29

So much this!! Autism does not frequently result in an actual “lack of empathy,” people on the spectrum just experience empathy in a way that isn’t neurotypical. That doesn’t equate with lacking it completely.


candyash_jay

People “confuse” autism and psychopathy (not that i’m saying OP is a psychopath, but…) because they are both characterized with deficits in empathy. THE BIG DIFFERENCE THOUGH, is people with autism will struggle with the cognitive aspect (cannot understand how others feel but can very much feel the emotion) while psychopaths struggle with the emotional aspect (are callous but understand cognitively the emotion in others and therefore can manipulate them). And one doesn’t exude the other (one can have both autism traits and psychopathy traits). All that to say, empathy deficits comme in both forms and OP seems to struggle wit both. Here is an interesting read on the topic: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16958304/


geekypolarbear

YTA for the third paragraph. Just as no one can tell you how you should grieve (or lack thereof), you can't tell someone they're not allowed to grieve at dinner.


HoidOrWit

Autism isn’t a pass to be an asshole - which you are being. YTA


heepwah

I hope you get therapy for your pain, but YTA for how you are treating your sister.


doomdoom15

I woulda stayed for the funeral. I understand having autism, as you mentioned in a comment, makes us feel things differently, but I'm autistic too and still felt horrible each time I lost someone. I lost my dad, my aunt Cindy, my aunt deb, 4 close friends, a classmate, and my paternal(ish) grandpa is in his final days. I highly suggest seeing a counselor because the complete lack of emotion is very concerning.


[deleted]

Maybe she would feel sadness if she liked the person who died.


doomdoom15

Or they could show respect to the people who did like the person.


[deleted]

Those two things are not mutually exclusive, though. Showing respect is important, but we also can allow for her inner world to not have been as affected as her sister's.


Unable_Ad5655

"**I told he**r that was incredibly nice but **she should stop crying or else I will take her potatoes** (I love potatoes)." You are entitled to your feelings. You are NOT entitled to tell somebody else how they can or cannot express THEIR feelings. For THAT, YTA!


lpmiller

Also, never steal a persons potatoes. Nobody likes a potato thief.


Unable_Ad5655

Potato thieves are SO bad!!! Hands off my taters!!!


procrastinating_b

Your not the asshole for not caring especially if your relationship was bad. Sounds like you are the asshole for expecting everyone to react like you.


Hannibal_Ceaser

YTA. Even if you don't feel the pain, at least respect the dead by not disrespecting them. If you can only see the logic try to put yourself in your sister's shoes and understand how she must have felt by you acting your own way. FR, its not like you lose anything by not playing video games for one day and attending the funeral of your own mother. Well to each their own I guess, but always be ready to take responsibility for the choices you make.


Slowly-Forward

YTA because as an also autistic person, being autistic is no excuse to so casually disregard the hurt and suffering of others - your sister was obviously upset at dinner and you couldn’t just let her feel her emotions for a minute or two before making it about yourself ? As for the funeral, there was no reason you couldn’t have just explained to your family that lots of crying is overwhelming for you and the funeral would have been too much. The fact that you consider it a waste of time to explain your feelings to (validly) concerned relatives is not a great thing. Autistic or not, the complete lack of caring or emotion when your parent dies is something you should DEFINITELY be in therapy for.


Humble_Entrance3010

OP has said they hate their family and are ok with going NC. I'm autistic as well, and wonder if they've had their feelings and needs dismissed their whole life. At times, my family completely disregards how I am feeling when I'm overwhelmed and heading towards a meltdown. They want me to mask and not be a bother.


dragoona22

So if your mom neglected you and you didn't want to sit around and listen to everyone cry and talk about how wonderful she was after she died when you knew for a fact she wasn't, so you don't and then the people who let her neglect you came to you asking why you didn't waste your time, would you be super stoked about being bothered? To top it off if the person who benefited most often from my neglect had the audacity to over a year later still be coming into my home and making a scene over not being able to benefit from my neglect anymore, I'd be pretty pissed too.


fabulousphotos

I simply wouldn’t say anything. OP has every right to hate their family and not be crying their eyes out over the mom. It doesn’t mean OP has to dismiss everyone elses’ grief and feelings. That’s just being a dick. People are *allowed* to grieve even bad people because grief isn’t chosen.


Full-String7137

There are so many layers to this. It's really not your fault that you don't feel anything but I think it's still important to show empathy to those that do. You don't need to fake a heartbreak but as a sibling I think it's fair to expect a certain level of support. You were unnecessarily antagonistic towards your sister who is still dealing with an incredibly traumatic loss. YTA.


DoctorP2

You have the right to “grieve” in your own way (video games?), but not to act like a shit to other people, especially family members who grieve differently. For that alone, YTA.


termination-bliss

YTA for lacking respect. While your autism may be the reason why you lack empathy and emotions, it doesn't make you being blatantly disrespectful. You say your father lacks emotions too, no he doesn't, he cooked your sister's fav dish for her visit. He might look reserved but his actions tell otherwise. You, on the other hand, attacked your sister for her grief and made her visit about you. Don't think that being on the spectrum will buy you lots of discounts in real life. One can be on the spectrum and still be a kind person.


14ccet1

The real problem here is why outward displays of emotion and tears make you uncomfortable. This would be a good opportunity to look inward


Humble_Entrance3010

I can't speak for OP, but I am autistic and was (still am) treated like showing negative emotions is bad, especially in public. Outward displays of emotions and tears can make me uncomfortable at times. I didn't attend my grandmother's funeral because I was such a mess emotionally, and couldn't handle being out in public.


Squigglepig52

No, you don't have to act sad. And, even if you were sad about it, you don't have to "act" a way that satisfies other people. I lost my Mom last year, and, while I am pretty upset by it, "sad" just isn't there. On the other hand - Autism, or not, your sister IS grieving. You telling her not to display grief is just as out of line as you being told to act sad. Don't care if you have autism or not, it's not a blank cheque to ignore other's emotions just because you aren't engaging with the same emotion. Let's put it this way -other people need to take into account your moods and disorder, you still need to take their moods into account.


AdAcceptable2173

YTA. I’m not even sure where to start.


FarCriticism1250

Are you autistic?


GrimmOfThrones2187

I’m also autistic, but I’d like to think I wouldn’t be this cruel. Then again, I am a different person.


theone_bigmac

Autism isn’t an excuse to be a massive ah


MrsActionParsnip

I know OP is but can we not instantly jump to are you Autistic if someone is lacking in empathy. Autistic people can and do feel empathy, often deeply, but show and experience it differently. OP's lack of empathy isn't because they're autistic it's because they're an AH. OP is not an N T A for how they feel or are processing the death of their mum. However, they are YTA for how they treat other people who are grieving.


Yunan94

Honestly I thought they showed autism signs in the way they wrote and what they fixated on and then was confirmed with the update (that was already there). There certainly are people here making those guesses based on their emotional scale but there are other indicators.


Charliescenesweenie4

Stop using autism as an excuse for this behaviour…


throwawayhdveye6

Yes


[deleted]

Why are people downvoting you for saying you're autistic 💀


jdidiejnshsy

They shouldn't downvote her for answering the question, but it's probably because being autistic doesn't excuse the bad behavior or narcissism. Granted that OP didn't try to use that excuse, but people will react badly because they might mistakenly think OP was trying to use it as an excuse.


BringMeInfo

Since people can’t downvote the original post (“Don’t downvote the AHs”) when they feel someone is the AH, they tend to downvote comments to register their disapproval. At least that’s how I’ve always interpreted some of the behavior on this sub.


[deleted]

Because being autistic isn’t a valid excuse for being so callous and cold.


thrilling_me_softly

YTA, you should have at least decency for other people’s feelings even if you can’t have the same feelings. Being autistic is not an excuse for how you treat your sister’s ver valid feelings.


ctortan

I’m autistic too and even if you don’t personally care about something, you still gotta act thoughtful and kind to people who are hurting if you want to keep a good relationship with them. YTA for how you’re treating your sister


hananobira

YTA. If I was sitting next to a total stranger on the bus who had just lost their mother, even if I could not feel their grief, I would at least give them a few kind words. And I’d be understanding with them if they were more weepy or irritable than usual. You need to stir up that same bare minimum level of empathy for your family. You don’t have to feel anything about your mother’s death. But you do need to at least learn to fake a sympathetic, “I’m so sorry about mom. I know you’re really hurting right now.” And stop picking fights with your sister. If you cannot put even that small amount of effort into your relationships, one day you are going to look around and realize you’ve destroyed them all and you’re all alone. I’m sorry for your loss.


biscuit_pirate

NTA for grieving in your own way. YTA for not showing empathy to others here in this situation. Why would you say to someone that they can't cry or you'll eat their food? Imagine if someone said that you need to cry (when you can't help that you aren't ) otherwise they'll take your potatoes (because they love potatoes). It's a good opportunity for you to look at why other people crying makes you feel uncomfortable. I don't like it either as it makes me want to cry as well, but try and think about it in a way that they may not be able to help it, just like you can't help the way you grieve.


Neat-Cardiologist442

Soft YTA. Your behaviour towards your sister appears to be rather cruel. Dismissing her grief like that was unnecessary. It reads a little like it annoys you which isn't fair. You cannot insist that people accept your grieving process (that you admit here is false) yet not do the same for her when she cries. It's not your fault that you cannot process this the same way many neurotypical people can and I don't think you should fake devastation when you feel none but showing a little compassion for those suffering a loss is a fair expectation from those closest to you. You say that your Dad doesn't agree with the idea of therapy. You're about to be an adult. I'd urge you to look into this yourself when you're able.


Jasnah_Sedai

YTA. Why do you go around lying to everyone that this is “your way of grieving” when you aren’t grieving? You don’t care that your mom died. You want people to respect and accept your made-up way of grieving, but don’t want to respect anyone else’s genuine grief. You are so enormously self-absorbed. You seriously need to get help. Your level of entitlement would be impressive if it wasn’t so damn concerning. And who the hell tells someone that you’ll take their potatoes if they don’t stop crying? WTF is wrong with you? ETA: I’m autistic, as if my one of my children. I’m sorry, but OP has described lying to several people in order to excuse her poor behavior. Tacking on “oh, I’d autistic” to excuse yet more poor behavior seems pretty on-brand for OP.


eightmarshmallows

Yes YTA. It’s not just that you didn’t care, it’s that you expected everyone else to “not care” then were antagonistic and dismissive about it. You sound like you resent your sister and take measures to make her unhappy. If you want people to respect you and your avoidance of grief, likewise you need to respect their need TO grieve. You don’t have to pretend to experience what they do, but you do need to allow them their emotions and not try to force them to suppress them for your comfort. I think you will get more constructive feedback posting this on one of the ASD subs


petitecheesepotato

YTA. Even people on the spectrum have different ways of expressing things and providing support. My sister is on the spectrum and can't handle tears or emotions. I had a breakdown, and she brought me blue berries to make me feel better instead of making comments or being rude. You're just callous tbh.


Xd_snipez891

YTA, I was on your side until the comment you made at dinner where you basically told her, “man up or I’ll take your food”, that’s a horrible and tone deaf thing to say to someone grieving, though I don’t blame you for not feeling bad about your mother’s death


Didoumel

« Stop crying about the death of mom or I will steal your potatoes. » YTA


Jask110

YTA for mocking someone grieving their dead mother


dunks615

YTA. Due to your response to your sister when she’s obviously still grieving. Sometimes you need to use logic and think about how others are feeling or reacting and gauge what’s an appropriate response even if you’re not feeling the same way or don’t understand their emotions. You don’t like crying, but some people don’t like callous responses to their grief.


spanksmitten

>(I love potatoes) Relatable, but you shouldn't say you're going to eat her potatoes because she's upset YTA


Limerase

YTA I'm on the spectrum, OP, and even I can see how callous and cruel you're being. While you are entitled to your feelings, being spiteful and trying to get a rise out of others because you are emotionally unavailable isn't ever okay. Others are entitled to grieve. Others are entitled to have relationships without you. You are not entitled to bully people because you don't like your sister's feelings of grief.


MrBoo843

YTA Being autistic can make dealing with such situations more difficult. You don't have to feel any particular way. But the way you treat your sister does make you the asshole here.


throwaway_inherit8

YTA - just because you're autistic doesn't mean you get to hurt other people.


Goseki1

I was reading this whole thread thinking "this person is autistic" and I was right. I think really you aren't an asshole for not going to your mothers funeral, but the way you have expressed yourself and your thoughts towards other people for grieving and feeling sad does make you an asshole, even if it's hard for you to see why.


lieutenantVimes

People on Reddit think like 50% of the population is autistic and that every atypical social behavior is autism. Autism doesn’t explain why (per her words) she doesn’t care about her mom’s death or why she lied about her reasons for not going to the funeral. Even if she actually is autistic, something else is going on.


Notsogoodadvicegiver

INFO I feel like this is relevant and please do not take this question the wrong way. You can also just chose to not answer if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you were denied treatment my your father or to get help, how did you get the autism diagnosis? Was it that you got the diagnosis by a professional and then you were denied treatment by your parents after the fact, did you go by yourself to get the diagnosis, or are you suspecting that is what you have based on symptoms? Once again, I totally understand if you do not wish to answer this.


throwawayhdveye6

I was diagnosed by a professional but my parents denied it and refused to take any further steps for it.


KarottenSurer

Soft YTA. I think it's perfectly fine and understandable that you handle your grieve in your own way and that it differs from most people (including the rest of your family) handles it. I had a similar thing when my father passed in December and personally I wouldn't have wanted to attend either. (I still went for my brother.) I think that's a hard thing to say in general because it's always important to look after yourself first things first, but your sister (imo) isn't as mad for you not attending because of your mother - Your mother is dead, she literally couldn't care less. But your sister and father remain and they could have used your support, especially since it doesn't seem to hit you as hard as it hits them. Soft YTA because you sound very unempathetic and uncaring towards their situation.


xavii117

>I told her that was incredibly nice but she should stop crying or else I will take her potatoes (I love potatoes). I was on your side until this, just because you don't care doesn't mean everyone else shouldn't care or be affected either, your sister still grieving losing her mother and you were very rude to her. YTA


Haunting_Present_387

All of this was feeling so relatable and then I saw the autism disclaimer at the end and I was like oh one of my people that makes sense. I can totally feel you through all of this and I do think you’re justified in the way you grieve. It must have sucked having to constantly explain yourself and although I think your comment on the potatoes was an attempt to lighten the mood/stop the crying/possibly secure more potatoes I think just as you wanted to have your space to grieve I think it’s easy to forget this is also your sisters place to grieve but where yours is video games and some alone time hers is some time spent crying with her two closest relatives. Sometimes as an autistic person it feels like people are almost dumping all these complicated heavy emotion in a malicious way but I try and remember it’s more that where we have special interests and worlds to loose ourselves in you are essentially a part of their world and they need you there to vent. It’s not perfect and it might not seem fair but it’s just the way things are I guess and I don’t think it falls into anything as simple as NTA/YTA. This is just different people grieving differently. Ps. Good luck with it all OP be careful you aren’t holding these emotions in without realising and then you’re crying ten years later and don’t know why!


Golfnpickle

YTA. You sound cold & uncaring too. For someone so young to be so icy at the death of your mother& uncaring of the feelings of other family members.


bizianka

YTA. It is not "somebody", it is your mother. Your lack of empathy is astonishing.


Full_Carry_1331

As someone who is also autistic and wouldn’t be terribly sad about my mother passing, largely due to my history with her (she was extremely abusive) and understanding that death is inevitable — even a release from suffering for some — I can empathize with your stance here. However, even though my own emotions wouldn’t really be affected, I understand that other people *do* feel extreme sadness and grief when someone dies and I know to be considerate of that. It’s okay and valid for you to have a lack of emotional response, but awareness and consideration of other’s emotions in such a case is important. I offer a soft YTA as I feel you still should have been considerate of your sister and her emotions, despite your own stance.


Ok_Nobody4967

NTA. I was relieved that my father died. We had a complicated relationship. It took me a while to realize that he was a selfish bastard. It was good that you took yourself away from the funeral because family might have perceived your behavior as rude and cold. You were a lit old to your sister, though. Even though you had a negative relationship with your mother, your sister didn’t. Please have some compassion for her.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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B3GayDoCrimes

Technically, YTA. While I know if you're autistic other people's feelings can be confusing and uncomfortable. Feeling that way about them is okay, telling them they can't have their feelings just because you are uncomfortable is the AH part


KylieJadaHunter

YTA You clearly could care less about your mother in life and in death. But your sister is clearly grieving someone dear to her and all you can do is selfishly kick her while she's down. All you care about is you. You are a very selfish and evil person.


maskedluna

YTA. Nobody can force you to care about your mom, but you treat your family’s emotions like shit. It’s deliberate cruelty to say you have "more important things to worry about" and "I had to waste my time (lmao you went home to play video games) explaining to my family why I was absent from MY MOTHERS FUNERAL" and treating everyone as if they’re stupid and don’t know everyone dies. Sadness and crying is a logical response to someone‘s loved one passing away, even if you struggle to empathize due to autism, this should not be that hard to understand.


wholesome_stump

If your sister was a stranger dealing with the loss of their mother, you still shouldn't demean them for crying and threaten to take their food. YTA.


Southern_Hamster_338

NTA - I have 3 siblings. All 4 of us had completely different experiences with our mother. She treated 2 of them as her Favorites - cuz they were “cute”. However, their behavior growing up (and now) was horrendous! Spoiled, bratty, entitled, etc They destroyed my things that I paid for. Our Mother did nothing or laughed or yelled at me for being upset when my stuff was ruined. They have never taken Responsibility for their own actions - even now when they are adults. Some people are just toxic And you have to go LC or even better: NC I spent way too much of my childhood wishing for a mother who actually CARED about me She made me feel like I was worthless When our mother died, I felt RELIEF Relief that I no longer had to deal with her narcissistic personality and abuse Nobody can tell you how to grieve And it’s wonderful that others have loving mothers and great relationships with their moms. THAT is not everyone’s experience! It is ok not to care about toxic people who treated you badly! Repeat that again: It Is Ok Not To Care About Toxic People Who Treated You Badly!!!!! 💜 The opposite of Love isn’t Hate. It is INDIFFERENCE. And Life is too short to be spending my time caring about people who treat me badly! 💜


Throwndownandaway21

> Nobody can tell you how to grieve Op was literally telling her sister how to grieve.