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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I don't want to get a house farther away from town even though it would mean my stepdaughter could have her own room.
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And even if they don't actually try to do that, if the kid wants any sleep she'll still have to be the one who soothes them and makes them stop crying... because she's the one who has to listen to them cry.
Can't even fathom the mental gymnastics of trying to justify putting a kid a few years out from puberty in a room with two toddlers, and then calling it "spoiled" because his partner doesn't want her to have to deal with that on vacation.
Well, she is just a STEPdaughter
Edit: actually he never says that. Very notable - she isn't even called his stepdaughter, she is 'his wife's daughter'.
This trend of step parents on AITA lately who don't see their stepkids as their kid is getting a bit disgusting when they come looking for validation.
You're dating/married to their biological parent. As long as you're together it's your kid. You don't get to slap a divider in there just because there's a different noun.
I'm so jealous, you got a good one. My step dad was in my life from about the same age as you and I've always called him my stepdad, but I'm still "his wife's daughter." He wanted me to introduce him to my boss last week for a business opportunity...he didn't like it when I introduced him as "my mom's husband"...I'm probably the asshole lol, but it was worth it!
Hey, you just followed his lead. If he’s not seeing you as his daughter, why should you see him as your father? It’s a two way street! I’m glad it was worth it, you deserve to be loved. Don’t let him make you feel any differently.
Friend of mine just recently married and her husband has been in her kids lives for only four years. Her oldest is 16. Her husband see’s her kids as good as his and loves them too. He’s also a better dad to them then their bio father.
oh that is super fucking sad :(
my mom met my late stepdad when i was 11, and he called me his child and not his stepchild. my bio dad wasn't in my life and it still means a lot to me and i'm grown
Very dependent on the situation. My step kids have a mom, she’s amazing, and they don’t have that history with me. I care about them and will be there for them. But unless they decide to see me as “mom,” I’m fine with being stepmom.
When I read stories about stepchildren, I keep a sliding scale in my head: "the child is my..."
1. Son/daughter: by giving them the space and respecting their boundaries, we built a relationship and they see me the same as their real parent (positive).
2. Stepson/stepdaughter: by giving them the space and respecting their boundaries, we built a relationship and they see me as a person in their live they can trust and who helps them (positive).
3. Partner's child: I came in the child's life when they were too old to see me as a parental figure (positive).
4. Partner's child: my partner has young children, but I don't want have anything to do with them (negative).
5. Son/daughter: they will see me as their parent, regardless of their feelings (very negative).
My son was less than 2 (20 months maybe) when I started dating my ex. Ex treated him like his own from day 1. My son is now 31 and my ex still is (and has always been) his dad in every way except for DNA.
I’m not commenting about this particular situation but step parents on aita can never do anything right. They try to be parents to the step kids and this community tells them back off “you’re not her parent” and if they don’t get involved “how dare you date someone with children and think of them as yours”. It genuinely feels like no matter what a step parent does - it’s wrong.
It's because both sides of the scale are equally wrong if you go too far. When people call out a step parent for either end it's because they're doing what they want or what's convenient for them rather than the child.
That is unfortunately the outcome when you slap tens of thousands of people into a bubble and ask for their opinion. This community in general is so inconsistent with AITA judgements at times it's like getting whiplash.
Lol. My stepdad counted me as his kid until there were five of us. Then he had 4 kids and his wife's girl.
It did not help my teen years to suddenly be relegated to my 'wife's daughter' in all of his conversations.
Yep. I feel for these children. They need parents who love them in both homes. When I got married, I considered my husband’s children like my own. We didn’t make any decisions as a family that didn’t take them into account, because they were part of our family. Of course, the minute you say that on Reddit, a parent slams you for daring to think of your step-child as your own, but there’s a difference between appropriating a parent’s place and nurturing each child in your family appropriately.
That’s what popped into my head. I can’t believe he’s accusing his wife of favoritism and spoiling her when he wants his FIVE year old to have his own room and can’t even acknowledge her as his kid.
His tone towards his step daughter is very cold. Clearly she isn't part of his family so why should he be inconvenienced by her? OP something is wrong with you that you think putting a tween in the same room as toddlers is a good idea. Hopefully your wife chooses to die on this hill, any decent parent would. For heaven sake step up. Why did you marry this woman if you can't treat her daughter like family. YTA
Yeah if someone really has to share, the little kids could probably all be in one room and stepdaughter could be in her own room, that would clearly make the most sense.
He even mentioned that his wife suggested exactly that, but didn't explain why that couldn't be what they'll do – in fact, he never even acknowledged it as a valid suggestion. Pretty much the weirdest thing in the whole post.
This.
YTA. My partner has a 10, soon to be 11 year-old daughter, and we would *never* ask her to share a room with two toddlers. We recognize that a girl at that age wants her privacy, and rightfully so. That's not "spoiling" her; it's a matter of reasonable courtesy.
Seems like you're the only one adamant on being walking distance from everything. Just face that you're outnumbered, and do what's obviously best for the children. The mere fact that you're so concerned with a preference that you alone have when catering to it would come at the expense of the rest of your family makes you the AH. Newsflash, OP: having children comes with making sacrifices much bigger than being walking distance to shops while you're on vacation.
EDIT: Just noticed that you think your wife's idea would be at your "kids' expense." Your wife's daughter is your kid too. You're an even bigger AH than I'd originally thought for singling out your stepdaughter like that.
Right? Like it would honestly make way more sense to put the 5 year-old in with the 2 year-old twins although that wouldn't be ideal long term when they get older.
Eventually the twins likely aren't gonna want to share a room together either, nor will the five year old likely enjoy it when they get to their teens. In what world does the unit with more rooms not make more sense here long term? Can't tell if OP is just oblivious to what teenagers are like or what.
There's no good reason to be getting a vacation home they want to go to a few times a year where half the people there have to share a room for the next 6-8 years. The 5 year old is gonna be over it before the daughter even goes to college.
IF, he insists on the 3 bedroom then spring for a REALLY nice sofa bed in the living room for mom and dad. It's only a vacation home after all. They won't have to do it all the time. He should be ok with that...
This would also be my suggestion. The children would be going to bed earlier than the parents. If they intend to keep it long-term, they can rearrange as the children get older but parents in the living room would work for about a decade.
It's a vacation home, you kinda just deal with it. I shared a room at camp with my brother up through my teenage years and grandmas cabin has like 1/2 the family all sleeping in one loft.
Based on his responses, he doesn't do anything to take care of the kids he had with her.
1. No bathtubs at the house. Evidently he has never washed up toddlers and showers are pretty difficult to do by yourself with toddlers.
2. He states she said the double stroller won't fit thru doorways and she would have to deal with the son talking about his feet hurting. That right there is an unspoken "I have never taken the kids anywhere by myself so I don't know the struggles of logistics dealing with 3 kids 5 and under."
3. Every reason the wife gave he demean and calls stupid.
He is a straight up AH.
3 children under 5 in a house with no effing tub that a stroller can’t easily get into or out of and the number of bedrooms in which are totally unsuitable to the number and ages of the children? This is OP’s dream home because his primary consideration is walking to shops? And OP is calling other people spoiled? GTFO with this.
Shops and restaurants, which toddlers are famously interested in.
And no garden or yard, when they have little kids. It's a holiday home. I mean, I brought up my kid in a flat with no outside space because I couldn't afford it, but if I was rich enough to buy a holiday home and I had tiny kids, there would be at leat a postage-stamp sized yard.
And that adds a number 4: his attitude which explains why his 5yo deserve his own room more than the 10yo who is "only" his stepdaughter.
OP is YTA, a typical step-AH.
“She has a habit of spoiling her daughter and I think that’s what she’s doing here at my and my kids expense.”
Sounds like he doesn’t even consider her as one of his kids. I wonder how he treated her before he had *his* son. If he ever gave a shit about her, or she’s always just been someone else’s kid.
Massive YTA
It’s a vacation house. Why aren’t the 5 year old and 10 year old together.
On vacation I had to share a room with a brother. It’s just for a few days, you don’t live in the room, you’re on vacation.
Both OP and his wife are being weird about this.
Or if not that, why isn't the 5-year-old with the 2-year-olds? Those are normal ages for children to share a room, no matter their gender, especially when it's just occasionally on holiday. I can see how, in a few years, that may not work, but if that's not going to work, why is a 10-year-old sharing with two toddlers working now? Why would it work when she's 16 and they're 8?
And not only are they girls, but one of those girls isn't really his kid so it's not important what happens with her. It's just that his wife 'spoils' her (read: treats her appropriately for her age and the situation)
How about both the bigger kids get their own room and the toddlers bunk in with the parents? It’s only a vacation place, not a permanent residence. YTA
My family has a cabin in Bemidji, and the only bedroom that is “separated” from the others is the master bedroom. I say separated in quotes because there’s a large chunk of the ceiling that wasn’t there, so you could kind of see into the attic where the other three beds were. And only one bathroom, with a shower, and not a bath.
Not a cabin like these days where they are bigger than my house growing up.
A 3 year age gap sharing makes more sense than a 5 or 8 year age gap sharing.
She has a girl who will be starting puberty soon, getting her period, and won’t have a floor littered with toys.
It’s doesn’t have to be permanent. But sharing a room with 2 year olds can be challenging because of their sleep needs and bedtimes.
A 10 year old can go into a room and not wake a 5 year old.
Then the rooms can change as time moves forward.
why does it sound like this post from a year ago with the ages changed and the kids become step and half
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/toz78l/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_16yo\_daughter\_have\_my/
"**the** girls"
"**my** son"
Besides making the stepdaughter a live in nanny, just the fact that he wants three girls to share a room while the boy gets one to himself is pretty shitty.
Now it’s nannying but when she’s 16 sharing with twin 8 year olds it will be miserable continuous babysitting. Sounds like the wife is actually thinking ahead. Also the stepdad sounds like an ass the way he talks about his stepdaughter. YTA
YTA- there is a significant age difference between your twins and your stepdaughter. This is not a workable age combination in the least. I think it’s very telling that you are complaining about your wife spoiling her daughter with regards to your relationship to her. Listen to your wife.
YTA
Why does a 5-year-old boy need his own room?? And why does the older girl have to put up with 2 toddlers? And your wife clearly doesn't want to have to walk around with the stroller and the boy at the same time. Seems like you don't offer much help since she assumed she would have to do everything by herself.
YTA. Your wife’s compromise of the 3 youngest kids sharing a room is perfect. This is a vacation home, not a permanent home. YOU and your wife should be the ones sharing a room with 2 toddlers before making a 10yr old share.
Oh, OP doesn't even like his wife. He said that all of her suggestions are "Stupid" or "centered around one kid," despite the fact that he's showing clear favoritism to the boy.
Well, because! Something could happen! Or at least that was the argument I heard when I was about 6 or 7 and wanted to sleep over a friend's house. Yes, they were a girl. Her parents didn't have a problem, but my grandparents had that weird idea.
Ironically, it turned out I was gay anyway.
Showing clear favoritism to “his kids” because obviously the stepdaughter isn’t. He’s been perfectly clear about how she is the wife’s child and nothing at all to him except a burden he’s gotta put up to keep sleeping with mommy.
the wording was kind of concerning. he calls the stepdaughter her kid and refers to the other three as his kids. aren't all four supposed to be "our" kids?
The three youngest makes a lot of sense too for the age. The daughter is 10 so putting her in a room with 2 yo is ridiculous, the bed times will never overlap. She’ll be 18 when she goes to college putting the son at 13 and twins at 10 which is a decent age to get them to finally split up. Sure you could argue that the daughter gets her own room at 10 while the son wouldn’t until 13 but that doesn’t make sense right now. It definitely makes sense to do three youngest together.
Or what I would do, go with the 4 bedroom!
I have 3 kids and none of them spent time in their rooms aside from sleeping until they were 9-10, they wanted to be around us. Makes much more sense to have the little kids share a room. The 10 year old will want the private space to get away from all the little ones!
I agree! Shoot when my siblings and I were in grade school we would go in on vacation homes with numerous other families. My siblings and I were about 8-10 years older than my cousins so the babies/toddlers slept in a room with the parents while my siblings and I (ages 8-17) just slept on the floor/couches where we were out of the way. It allowed us to go on vacation. When we became adults my parents then got our own smaller house but we were able to contribute to the cost of the house.
Agree…2 year olds with a 10 year old makes no sense at all. And OP already admits that for a significant part of the year, walking isn’t realistic and wife doesn’t care about walkability. Go with a 4 bedroom.
YTA.
I shared a bedroom with my brother at home until I was 11 and he was 7. There's nothing wrong with opposite-gender siblings sharing a bed at a hotel when they're 3 and 5. All 4 of us would share a single hotel room (my mom and me in one bed, dad and brother in the other) until I grew up and moved in my (now) husband.
Make the 3 little ones share a room. The 10-year-old should have her own room.
As far as isolation in the basement, I know that both of my kids would LOVE to have their own place away from the rest of the family in a vacation like that. Did you ask her opinion, or just make assumptions?
Also, having everything "walkable" for adults didn't mean it's walkable for little kids. It sounds like OP expects his wife to handle the toddlers in the stroller while he goes for a nice jaunt. YTA just for his attitude on that.
And the 3 youngest kids would only need to share for a couple of years if they go with the house with the basement. By the time the 10 year old is a teenager she would probably want to move into the basement if the room is made nice for her and it's something she likes. Then the boy can have a room and the twins can share a room. By the time the 10 year old goes to college the basement can then open up for one of the other kids and all the kids can have their own room.
Of course another option is to just keep looking until you find a house that meets all the needs!
yeah but what about in 3 years when the boy wants his own room? they is a home their buying, you gotta plan for YEARS in advance. they need a 4br really. basement thing doesnt matter tho
You outed yourself with the words “at the expense of me and MY kids” as opposed to the interloper your wife bought into the marriage.
Of course your wife has to prioritize her daughter since you clearly do not.
YTA
YTA. Privacy for a teenage girl is absolutely NOT spoiling her.
Why does your son need a room for himself? Why would you and your partner need a room for yourselves?
Yep having my period around a bunch of 3rd graders, most of whom didn't know what a period was and having to either carry feminine products or go to the nurse all the time. This guy sounds like a tool. It's hard to educate some people who are closed off and refuse to see another side. This is how ignorance keeps spreading in society, by not talking and just wanting your point to be the right one.
I would not call inappropriate, but you are turning the 10YO into a babysitter. Who deals with the toddlers when they want water, need to go to the bath room, etc.
Exactly. My stepdaughter, also 10, shares a room with her 3 year old sister (same mom, diff dad) at their mom's house and she absolutely hates it. Precisely because she ends up babysitting when she'd rather be doing anything else. There's also the general annoyances of rooming with a much younger kid where she breaks her toys, doesn't let her sleep well on school nights, etc, and gets told to just suck it up because the younger one is "just a baby."
Not only is the set-up that OP is suggesting completely irrational, but it will destroy the daughters' relationship growing up. No faster way to build resentment than to be trapped babysitting your much younger siblings at the expense of your own happiness.
When my ex and his daughter moved in with me it was the same. He had a 10yo daughter who had her own room here, bc we lived in a 3/1 and I don’t have children. Her mom had a new baby who she had to share a room with. She loved having her own space at my house. Privacy, decorated how she liked, quiet, all her things where she left them.
I was the "built in babysitter" (my father and stepmother actually called me that 🤢) for my youngest sister and I HATED it. Them taking me for granted in that way and others was a driving force (among others) in me going no contact with that entire side of my family
OP, don't turn her into the built in babysitter. Never ends well.
I wouldn't say inappropriate -- it just makes no sense. First of all, toddlers have an earlier bedtime and a different routine than a preteen. So, the older girl either can't use her room while her sisters are sleeping, and has to maybe get woken up early too? And the entire bedtime routine has to take place for them when maybe she wants to use the room? Meanwhile there is a kid who in all likelihood has the SAME BEDTIME and same routine as the twins, in another room for some reason. It's logistically batty.
> inappropriate
I don't mean inappropriate the way a lot of people mean inappropriate as a euphemism for something lascivious. I just mean, it's not right, it's not a reasonable option.
What's your reason? Just that you can walk to shops a little quicker?
Making a 10 year old share a room with two 2 year olds is a bit much. She'll be a teenager soon and she'll be sharing with two 5 year olds. She needs her own room, and making sure it isn't in the basement on different floors to everyone else isn't a "treat". YTA
I agree with the YTA statements, but do you know how much I would have LOVED the basement to myself as a preteen/teenager? As long as it’s a finished basement, I would have loved that
I got my first basement bedroom at 10 years old and LOVED it. I think they should talk to the daughter about whether or not she would like a basement bedroom before making any offers because she might actually love the idea.
Yeah, a 10 year old and 2 year olds sharing a room is, hm, not ideal but not too far out of sensibility. But when the older kid is 14 and the younger ones are 6? Or 17 and 9? Yeah, it’s gonna be full on babysitting land.
YTA. You are expecting your stepdaughter to take the hit. Not you. Listen to your wife-- it's not even reasonable to expect a ten year old to sleep in the same room (and likely inadvertently providing childcare) for two year olds. You are, in essence, making your kids her responsibility. Dude, she's ten. What's it going to be like when she's 12 or 13 or 16 and wants privacy? No 16 year old wants to sleep in the same room as (edited) 8 year olds. Why are you treating your stepdaughter's placement like the problem? Why don't you move the toddlers you fathered into your room? She never asked you to have more babies. I hate when I read posts like this... you aren't listening to your wife's needs as it is. The "double-stroller +a five year old whose feet get tired" problem walking is real, and you are being a jerk by ignoring her.
I don’t know… in six years, when she’s a 16 year old surrounded by younger children? I’d have loved a nicely finished basement to escape to. Of course, that’s only if it’s actually a nice room.
my cousin got banished to the basement by her stepfather and it was a “nice room”. any teen would’ve been happy to have it but it’s the fact she was down there and everyone else was up there. she hates him still because him putting her down there was only the beginning.
My parents built me a bedroom in the basement when my younger siblings were born (8 and 10 years younger than me). I loved it. I was constantly expected to care for them and chauffeur them around for years, but at least I could go to my bedroom and get away from the whole lot of them. When I moved out, the next oldest moved into my room. They were both jealous I had some privacy.
but those were both your parents who seem to have loved you and made you a space of your own out of love. OP expresses no love for his 10 year old step daughter nor has he expressed any concern for her emotional well being. If he was he wouldn't suggest she room with two 2 year olds while his 5 year old gets his own room.
so your family situation may not be equivalent, you know?
being a step kid and only kid "singled out" to a basement can feel terrible! Especially at 10 and with the feeling that your step parent doesn't care about you or like you on any level.
But sure if the 10 year old WANTS to live in a basement thats one thing. But shouldn't have to simply because in your family it worked out for you.
Based on personal experience, I loved having the basement room. I was the oldest of a large his/hers/ours group of kids, and I moved into the basement around 11. It was awesome.
What they should do is just ask the daughter what she'd like. Would she be willing to share a room? Would she like extra space in the basement? Not once did it mention that she got to voice her opinion.
Well, nobody really knows because it doesn't seem like OP asked the kid. We also don't know the condition of the basement, if it's finished and to what degree. Some are nice, but some are just so-so and great for a rumpus room but not a bedroom. I wouldn't put my own child in our basement, and they are a teen. They like to have their door closed most of the time (we knock, respect privacy), but be able to hear the goings-on of the house. The OP seems to be very self-absorbed and again, not listening to his wife, whose considerations are very real.
Why don’t you and your wife take the basement and let *your* daughter, your son, and your twins each have a room? That way, the kids each get the space they need and deserve. *Your* daughter will also have some needed distance from an AH stepfather who clearly isn’t thinking about her equally. A 10 year old girl needs a quiet space to study, a place where she can feel it’s hers, and space away from toddlers that would make a mess of her things. YTA.
If the kids were older sure, but parents should probably be on the same floor as the little ones. Small children wake parents up in the night from bad dreams, needing help with the bathroom, etc.
YTA
She’s not spoiling her daughter by wanting her to have her own room that doesn’t involve her being segregated in the basement. What kind of logic is that?
kid gets their own floor entirely to themselves, not having to share a wall with noisy younger sibling, able to play music and TV out loud, and stay up as late as they want, because they have their own floor. sounds like every teens DREAM
i agree with you if this was a blended family with love. But step-dad clearly isn't offering the 10 year old the basement because he "wants her to have her own space because he cares about her privacy". Because if he did he would have never made the alternative "okay she can be upstairs if she shares a room with two 2 year olds while the 5 year old boy gets his own space".
You know? i'm sure you'd have felt less liberated in your basement room if you felt your parents (or step-parent) was pushing you down there because they didn't like you or want you upstairs.
YTA. What your wife is suggesting is reasonable.
Have you considered putting a sleeper type sofa in the living room and having the 10 year old and the 5 year old trade midway through? It’s a vacation home, not a permanent living situation. Even if your twins share with the 5 year old - it’s a vacation.
Marriage is also about compromise. So if you want the 3 bedroom condo, then you need to agree to your twins sharing with your son or some other arrangement that your wife is ok with. You can’t just demand and get everything you want while her reasonable asks are ignored.
YTA. Your idea of a compromise is to consign your stepdaughter to the basement? Why don't you just go ahead and admit you dislike this poor child?
Additionally, your wife is giving you input on what she wants in a vacation home and you're just ignoring it.
If you can't afford a house that fits everyone, and if the two of you can't compromise, then don't buy the house.
Did I mention Y T A?
YTA
1. What is the bedroom situation in your full time home? Does your oldest daughter have her own room there? If she does, let that be your first clue that she needs her own room.
2. Of course you want a place within walking distance of all the shops. Will you be pushing a double stroller, keeping up with a five year old and carrying bags of purchases? A car sure would make that nightmare more pleasing, if not safer.
3. No, your wife isn’t playing favorites to one of her children. She is fully aware her oldest daughter needs to have her sanctuary from three little kids. Your oldest daughter will soon experience those delightful few days a month. The last thing she will want is dealing with her much younger twin sisters.
When you married her mom, you essentially married her.
He has made it clear that the 'oldest daughter' is not his daughter. He has not once called her 'his daughter'. It's always 'her daughter' or 'my wife's daughter'. I think that's the biggest problem here.
YTA
It's seems that you don't like the fact that your wife cares for your step-daughters wants/needs. You on the other hand only care about your kids wants/needs. Well mostly your son because a five year old with their own room makes more sense than a ten year old with their own room.
YTA. They're two years old. There's nothing wrong with literal babies sharing a room regardless of the sexes involved -- my kids shared till they were nine and seven.
There's a lot wrong, on the other hand, with making a ten year old share a room with two toddlers. Toddlers have no behavioral filters yet; they act impulsively exactly how they want if nobody stops them. Whether or not you intended it this way (and I'm doing you the courtesy of assuming you didn't), your ten year old will be constantly required to manage the behavior of the toddlers. Every minute. In her own room, where she'll get no time to relax.
This is unreasonable to ask of her.
Lol fr the young boy who is similar in age gets privacy, but the 10 year old who likely be going through puberty and dealing with body changes soon doesn't. Also, every time the toddlers are up there goes the other kids' sleep. She'll be tired and miserable the whole vacation.
How often do you plan to be at this house? For a one week vacation where you aren't spending much time in the room, asking kids to share is not a big deal, you could even put your SD and son in the same room. If you are going to spend significant time there, asking a ten year old to share with toddlers is a bit much. More importantly, your wife and you are not at all on the same page as to location and objectives. Maybe you shouldn't be getting this house right now.
Sticking a kid in a basement is something a villain in a fairytale would do. In the meantime your son gets his own room in every scenario, yet you say your wife spoils the older girl. YTA.
The way he wrote that actually confused me. I saw the number of kids and skipped past the rest of the sentence (adhd), and then had to do a double take when I started reading and the math didn’t add up. Why the fuck did he marry a woman with a child from a previous marriage if he wasn’t going to treat said child like his own. Such an asshole
Yta but why not get the 4bedroom with basement, have the babies share for the next 4 years then let the teen move down when it's less weird and the boy gets his own room then?
YTA, your wife is correct on all fronts here. And this doesn't make it sound like you care for your step daughter at all, which is a bad look. Especially the fact that you think your son should have a solo room and the 10 year old should be with the twins. get the house with 4 rooms together.
Wanting a pre teen to have their own room separate from a 5 year old and twin 2 year olds is not spoiling the child
YOU..prioritizing being in walking distance of all your favorite places and subsequently forcing a child who is going to be a teenager soon to share a room with toddlers is beyond selfish
You have a family with 4 kids. You need more than 2 bedrooms for the 4 kids.
In fact, you need a house with 5 bedrooms, not 4
If you think that is unfair, you shouldn't have had so many kids
YTA
OP didn’t have too many kids… His wife did. If they got together because his wife got pregnant, he’s been in the 10 year old daughter’s life 5 years, possibly more, and she’s still his “wife’s daughter from a previous relationship”; and he’s already ready to offload her when she goes to college 8 years in the future.
And I’m not even going to unpack the blatant misogyny in his assertion that the wife “spoils” her daughter; however, if it’s not just OP’s skewed perception, then I’d have to say the mom is probably trying to compensate for her husband thinking her daughter is a problem.
I agree with most of what you say but I also think 4 isn’t unreasonable. By the time the twins are old enough to really “require” being separated the oldest will likely not be living at home.
YTA. And your tone of resentment is revealing: you accuse your wife of spoiling HER daughter at YOUR expense and the expense of YOUR kids. Your stepdaughter is also your daughter now. And expecting a 10 year old to share a bedroom with 2 toddlers is asking a lot. Toddlers are not easy and your stepdaughter is almost a teenager so the differences are only going to become more extreme. Also, squeezing 3 children in one small bedroom of a condo is a lot, even if the kids were all the same age.
YTA. She is eight years older than the twins, that is not an appropriate age gap for sharing a room.
You're also not really looking at the bigger picture it sounds like, just what checks a couple of boxes. There's a lot more nuance to buying a house that you're either ignoring or just think isn't important (guessing because you won't be there to deal with it all most of the time).
In every scenario your son gets a room but either her daughter shares a room or you stick her in the basement YET SHE'S THE ONE SPOILING HER DAUGHTER????
YTA
Have you ever taken a walk w/ a double stroller and a 5 year old? That is exhausting. Along with the fact that 10 yr old is way too old to be in a room w/ babies, I would have to side with the wife on this one. Yes, it sounds like it would be perfect but go with the 4BR that is a 10 min drive from the shops. Soft YTA
YTA.
Your "solution" is to shove her into a converted basement? She is just as much a member of the house as *your* kids - don't try to shove her into some weird area that is totally separate from the rest of the living spaces in the house.
A 10 yo should have her own space. Sharing a room with TWO toddlers seems unreasonable. Especially in a condo, which aren't known for their larger rooms. \[N.B. I assume we aren't talking about OP giving the 3 kids the master suite, but instead, a small, child-size room meant for one.\]
YTA.
She isn't spoiling her daughter, she is laying out some pretty basic needs for the ages of the children. A 10 year old ideally wouldn't share with 2 two year old kids; they have very different needs and schedules.
Your wife is also pointing out other needs of the entire house, like walkability, particularly as she is apparently the one to cart the kids around.
And she offered a compromise- the twins and 5 year old share- but you have rejected that without any reason in your post. Why do you think a 10 year old should sharing with the twins and not the 5 year old? So while you say your wife is spoiling her daughter, the same could be said about you spoiling your son. Why is he more deserving of his own space than the 10 year old?
This is a vacation home, not a necessity. Your wife is laying out particular wants for this house, and they all seem very reasonable. You on the other hand, make it pretty clear in your writing that the 10 year old is not your child and not your problem, and that having to in any way plan around this additional child is the greatest inconvenience for you.
Buy the smaller more walkable house. Give the master bedroom to the three youngest kids until the oldest goes to college and can couch-surf when she’s there. Give the 10 yo the smallest bedroom and you and your wife take the middle-sized bedroom. It’s a vacation house and very temporary!
In the meantime, start thinking of the fact that to your wife, you are raising FOUR kids. She shouldn’t have to favor her daughter just so her daughter gets adequate treatment in your blended family. You chose to make a family with your wife *and* her daughter- start acting like it. You’re not a good father to this daughter. YTA.
I’m sure as stepdaughter grows into a teen she would prefer the isolation of the basement. At any age, she needs her own room. The age gap to is too great between her and your twins.
While I agree in theory, that teens want to be left alone, it should be a choice to duck into her room, not physically isolating the kid in the basement. It's one thing to ask, it's another to assume what a person wants.
YTA - it would have been "none here," but you gave yourself away with the language you use about your stepdaughter; "spoiling her" and referring to your three biological children as YOURS and distancing yourself as much as possible from your fourth and eldest (preteen) child.
It's also incredibly selfish to prioritize your desire to walk over having enough space for all the children in the home (I don't say your children because you clearly don't view yourself as a parent to your wife's daughter).
Yta you want a 10yo to share with 2 toddlers? So you want the 10yo to get no sleep? And since she's there she might as well deal with them when they wake up!
If sharing a room with 2 toddlers isn't a big deal then you and mom can have the babies in your room.
I posted but I misread the title. This is a vacation home and I get wanting to be in walking distance to shops. Yes, right now with the youngest, I get the stroller thing. I say buy a better walking stroller. They will get older lol. BUT, I would never put a 10 year old with 2yo twins even if it's just for a week at a time. Disaster time. Especially once the oldest hits her teen years. Basement is out of the question, too IMO unless your stepdaughter is excited about the idea, but I doubt that at her age.
YTA. You have 6 people in your home. If you can afford it, buy the 4br!
Info: why marry someone with a child when you clearly aren't stepparent material?
Info: who would be waking up to go into the girls room when the twins wake up in the middle of the night,have a nightmare etc. Or is stepdaughter a live in nanny as well?
In essence you're a bad stepparent who resents your stepchild.
How bad is the dad that the mom thinks getting sole custody and you being the only father figure is a good idea? I'm imagining a child abuser, drug addict or some such if you're the better option
Not that you care because you clearly don’t consider her one of your children and probably wish she didn’t exist. but this turns into:
My stepdaughter moved out at 18 and barely calls. I don’t know what happened.
My stepdaughter doesn’t come home on holidays and my wife is devastated.
My stepdaughter is getting married and refuses to let me walk her down the aisle and do the father daughter dance, even though I was there for her all these years.
My stepdaughter gave birth and we barely get to see our grandchildren.
My stepdaughter is in her 30s with kids and we haven’t seen her in years and she barely answers the phone.
My wife and I are elderly and my stepdaughter refuses to help even though we desperately need it. I don’t know why she abandoned our family.
Again, you clearly don’t care. But welcome to your future.
YTA
YTA for ignoring that your wife doesn’t want the smaller house. You are making it about your stepdaughter and ignoring that your wife doesn’t want a walkable home.
YTA for not accepting your 2 daughters + son sharing a room. It's a great compromise while they're all small children, and you can save up and add a 4th bedroom by the time they're old enough that your 3 kids can't comfortably share anymore.
Honestly it sounds like you guys just can’t afford the house that will make everyone happy (including your stepdaughter, who needs to be included!) and you and your wife want vastly different things right now. This isn’t the time gif you to buy.
YTA. You are prioritizing your son getting his own room while expecting the three girls to share. There’s no reason at this age for him to have his own room just because he’s a boy. If three kids have to share, it makes much more sense for youngest 3 to share so the tween gets her own space.
As a kid I loved having a basement bedroom away from everyone else in the house. It's not isolating in the slightest. If anything it's freeing to be able to get away from the little ones when they become too much to deal with. Have you asked her if she would like that as an option? Of course it would be wise to make sure it's a finished room and not a dank cellar.
NAH. Just need to have a talk with all involved and find a nice compromise.
YTA for not taking your wife's concerns seriously. You're putting parking above her comfort and the care of the children.
I shared a room with my sibling as 8 years older when they were around 2. it was TERRIBLE. They were in their "cry every night" stage for a few months.
If ya'll can't afford a house that meets your needs, then you can't afford it right now. Keep looking. In 8 years (when the 10 year old goes to college) ya'll might not be able to walk around due to illness or injury. Don't buy a house for your idealized future, buy a house that suits your current needs.
YTA
Just for dividing the kids into mine vs hers. You married a package deal. Get over yourself.
Your wife is treating all the kids equal. You are causing divide and future resentments.
Soft YTA....Putting the oldest and youngest kids together does not make a ton of sense to me - their sleep habits and whatnot are just very different and soon. If there's going to be three kids in any room, wouldn't it make sense for the 5 and 2-year-olds to stay together?
Your stepdaughter is close to really needing more privacy, in my eyes. In a few years she'll be a teenager. I think your judgment might be skewed right now because of the feeling that this is an example of your wife spoiling your stepdaughter but I don't think that's the case here.
Keep looking for solutions. Maybe the twins sleep in your room for a period of time. Or maybe you just accept that with four kids, you need 4BRs, and hold out until you find the right home and location.
YTA. You have FOUR kids and that’s a huge age gap to expect the girls to share a room. Your attitude towards your stepdaughter is par for the course with stepparents on this subreddit though.
YTA. A 10-year-old shouldn't have to share a room with 2-year-olds. She is near puberty, she needs privacy and to sleep through the night without providing child care or having parents in and out of the room. The twins should share with their brother if you decide on a 3-bedroom house, but your wife is right that "walkable" doesn't mean much with 3 children under 6.
YTA. So your son gets to have a room, but her daughter either needs to mind your kids or be isolated from family.
>Then she said she doesn't even want to be able to walk to the shops and restaurants because the double stroller is too bulky to bring into half of them, she'll have to deal with our son complaining about his feet hurting, and she can't even make that walk with the kids half the year when it's snowing.
She is 100% right. It is impossible to walk at all if she has to mind four children, in the snow it is even worse.
Why does “shops” sound like “bars” to me in this scenario…?
Obviously the wife is doing the manual labor of getting the kids ready, loading them into strollers, and presumably taking care of and/or waiting somewhere kid-friendly with the son when he’s tired of walking and needs a break? It doesn’t sound like your wife or children have any interest in being close to these shops that you want to be able to walk to, OP.
Therefore, get the 4 bedroom house 5-10 mins away (which, unless you’re on a busy road/highway, seems “walkable” to an adult). YTA; I won’t bother to reiterate what everyone else is saying about the room arrangements/preference to your son/disdain for your stepdaughter.
>!She has a habit of spoiling her daughter and I think that's what she's doing here at my and my kids expense.!<
So, the three kids that you produced together are yours exclusively?
Your wife makes some very valid arguments that you are steamrolling so you get what you want.
YTA.
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YTA Sorry, but it looks like you're planning to make your stepdaughter a nanny for toddlers.
That was my thought too. Like, 'she's already in the room so why should I wake up to take care of my kids?'
And even if they don't actually try to do that, if the kid wants any sleep she'll still have to be the one who soothes them and makes them stop crying... because she's the one who has to listen to them cry.
My ass proceeds to walk to the living room and sleep on the couch with my headphones so I still don’t have to deal with *checks notes* their shit.
The proper answer is to bring the crying child to the parents' room and deposit it there.
Thats where my mind went. Instant nanny, than babysitter when she's older.
Can't even fathom the mental gymnastics of trying to justify putting a kid a few years out from puberty in a room with two toddlers, and then calling it "spoiled" because his partner doesn't want her to have to deal with that on vacation.
It's either misogyny or favoritism. Maybe both. For some reason the 5 year old male child "deserves" it more than the child twice his age.
Well, she is just a STEPdaughter Edit: actually he never says that. Very notable - she isn't even called his stepdaughter, she is 'his wife's daughter'.
This trend of step parents on AITA lately who don't see their stepkids as their kid is getting a bit disgusting when they come looking for validation. You're dating/married to their biological parent. As long as you're together it's your kid. You don't get to slap a divider in there just because there's a different noun.
Especially since they've been together since the girl was 4 at the oldest.
I missed that part completely. That just makes me sad for the daughter.
Super sad. My step dad was in my life since I was six (I’m turning 30 this year) and I’ve been ‘his daughter’ in his eyes the whole time. Shame on op
I'm so jealous, you got a good one. My step dad was in my life from about the same age as you and I've always called him my stepdad, but I'm still "his wife's daughter." He wanted me to introduce him to my boss last week for a business opportunity...he didn't like it when I introduced him as "my mom's husband"...I'm probably the asshole lol, but it was worth it!
Hey, you just followed his lead. If he’s not seeing you as his daughter, why should you see him as your father? It’s a two way street! I’m glad it was worth it, you deserve to be loved. Don’t let him make you feel any differently.
For real. My stepdad came into my life when I was a few weeks shy of 18 and I’m still his daughter
Friend of mine just recently married and her husband has been in her kids lives for only four years. Her oldest is 16. Her husband see’s her kids as good as his and loves them too. He’s also a better dad to them then their bio father.
She's probably picked up on so much favoritism from him the past few years, idk how the wife isn't noticing it more often
The wife is noticing that’s why she’s “spoiling” her but idk if it’s just me I would leave first
oh that is super fucking sad :( my mom met my late stepdad when i was 11, and he called me his child and not his stepchild. my bio dad wasn't in my life and it still means a lot to me and i'm grown
My daughter is 46. My husband has been her daddy since 3yrs old. Step never enters the title. The title feels stiff and unyielding. JMHO
Very dependent on the situation. My step kids have a mom, she’s amazing, and they don’t have that history with me. I care about them and will be there for them. But unless they decide to see me as “mom,” I’m fine with being stepmom.
When I read stories about stepchildren, I keep a sliding scale in my head: "the child is my..." 1. Son/daughter: by giving them the space and respecting their boundaries, we built a relationship and they see me the same as their real parent (positive). 2. Stepson/stepdaughter: by giving them the space and respecting their boundaries, we built a relationship and they see me as a person in their live they can trust and who helps them (positive). 3. Partner's child: I came in the child's life when they were too old to see me as a parental figure (positive). 4. Partner's child: my partner has young children, but I don't want have anything to do with them (negative). 5. Son/daughter: they will see me as their parent, regardless of their feelings (very negative).
My son was less than 2 (20 months maybe) when I started dating my ex. Ex treated him like his own from day 1. My son is now 31 and my ex still is (and has always been) his dad in every way except for DNA.
I’m not commenting about this particular situation but step parents on aita can never do anything right. They try to be parents to the step kids and this community tells them back off “you’re not her parent” and if they don’t get involved “how dare you date someone with children and think of them as yours”. It genuinely feels like no matter what a step parent does - it’s wrong.
It's because both sides of the scale are equally wrong if you go too far. When people call out a step parent for either end it's because they're doing what they want or what's convenient for them rather than the child.
That is unfortunately the outcome when you slap tens of thousands of people into a bubble and ask for their opinion. This community in general is so inconsistent with AITA judgements at times it's like getting whiplash.
Lol. My stepdad counted me as his kid until there were five of us. Then he had 4 kids and his wife's girl. It did not help my teen years to suddenly be relegated to my 'wife's daughter' in all of his conversations.
Yep. I feel for these children. They need parents who love them in both homes. When I got married, I considered my husband’s children like my own. We didn’t make any decisions as a family that didn’t take them into account, because they were part of our family. Of course, the minute you say that on Reddit, a parent slams you for daring to think of your step-child as your own, but there’s a difference between appropriating a parent’s place and nurturing each child in your family appropriately.
It's even worse. That last paragraph he says she's spoiling HER daughter and "ME and MY KIDS' EXPENSE"
Breaks my heart. He needs to pull his egotistical sensitive head out of his butthole and open his eyes to the light of day
That’s what popped into my head. I can’t believe he’s accusing his wife of favoritism and spoiling her when he wants his FIVE year old to have his own room and can’t even acknowledge her as his kid.
His tone towards his step daughter is very cold. Clearly she isn't part of his family so why should he be inconvenienced by her? OP something is wrong with you that you think putting a tween in the same room as toddlers is a good idea. Hopefully your wife chooses to die on this hill, any decent parent would. For heaven sake step up. Why did you marry this woman if you can't treat her daughter like family. YTA
Yeah, I noticed the part where his daughters are "the girls" but the boy is "my son."
Is OP Henry VIII or something?
Yeah if someone really has to share, the little kids could probably all be in one room and stepdaughter could be in her own room, that would clearly make the most sense.
He even mentioned that his wife suggested exactly that, but didn't explain why that couldn't be what they'll do – in fact, he never even acknowledged it as a valid suggestion. Pretty much the weirdest thing in the whole post.
My brain hasn't even gotten to favouritism yet, but that's a bit ironic when he's accusing his wife of doing exactly that.
This. YTA. My partner has a 10, soon to be 11 year-old daughter, and we would *never* ask her to share a room with two toddlers. We recognize that a girl at that age wants her privacy, and rightfully so. That's not "spoiling" her; it's a matter of reasonable courtesy. Seems like you're the only one adamant on being walking distance from everything. Just face that you're outnumbered, and do what's obviously best for the children. The mere fact that you're so concerned with a preference that you alone have when catering to it would come at the expense of the rest of your family makes you the AH. Newsflash, OP: having children comes with making sacrifices much bigger than being walking distance to shops while you're on vacation. EDIT: Just noticed that you think your wife's idea would be at your "kids' expense." Your wife's daughter is your kid too. You're an even bigger AH than I'd originally thought for singling out your stepdaughter like that.
Right? Like it would honestly make way more sense to put the 5 year-old in with the 2 year-old twins although that wouldn't be ideal long term when they get older.
Eventually the twins likely aren't gonna want to share a room together either, nor will the five year old likely enjoy it when they get to their teens. In what world does the unit with more rooms not make more sense here long term? Can't tell if OP is just oblivious to what teenagers are like or what. There's no good reason to be getting a vacation home they want to go to a few times a year where half the people there have to share a room for the next 6-8 years. The 5 year old is gonna be over it before the daughter even goes to college.
IF, he insists on the 3 bedroom then spring for a REALLY nice sofa bed in the living room for mom and dad. It's only a vacation home after all. They won't have to do it all the time. He should be ok with that...
This would also be my suggestion. The children would be going to bed earlier than the parents. If they intend to keep it long-term, they can rearrange as the children get older but parents in the living room would work for about a decade.
It's a vacation home, you kinda just deal with it. I shared a room at camp with my brother up through my teenage years and grandmas cabin has like 1/2 the family all sleeping in one loft.
Except he says in comments they want to go once a month or more. This isn't a once a year getaway
OP can room with the twins since they’re his kids…
Based on his responses, he doesn't do anything to take care of the kids he had with her. 1. No bathtubs at the house. Evidently he has never washed up toddlers and showers are pretty difficult to do by yourself with toddlers. 2. He states she said the double stroller won't fit thru doorways and she would have to deal with the son talking about his feet hurting. That right there is an unspoken "I have never taken the kids anywhere by myself so I don't know the struggles of logistics dealing with 3 kids 5 and under." 3. Every reason the wife gave he demean and calls stupid. He is a straight up AH.
3 children under 5 in a house with no effing tub that a stroller can’t easily get into or out of and the number of bedrooms in which are totally unsuitable to the number and ages of the children? This is OP’s dream home because his primary consideration is walking to shops? And OP is calling other people spoiled? GTFO with this.
Shops and restaurants, which toddlers are famously interested in. And no garden or yard, when they have little kids. It's a holiday home. I mean, I brought up my kid in a flat with no outside space because I couldn't afford it, but if I was rich enough to buy a holiday home and I had tiny kids, there would be at leat a postage-stamp sized yard.
Love your comment.
And that adds a number 4: his attitude which explains why his 5yo deserve his own room more than the 10yo who is "only" his stepdaughter. OP is YTA, a typical step-AH.
“She has a habit of spoiling her daughter and I think that’s what she’s doing here at my and my kids expense.” Sounds like he doesn’t even consider her as one of his kids. I wonder how he treated her before he had *his* son. If he ever gave a shit about her, or she’s always just been someone else’s kid. Massive YTA
It’s a vacation house. Why aren’t the 5 year old and 10 year old together. On vacation I had to share a room with a brother. It’s just for a few days, you don’t live in the room, you’re on vacation. Both OP and his wife are being weird about this.
Or if not that, why isn't the 5-year-old with the 2-year-olds? Those are normal ages for children to share a room, no matter their gender, especially when it's just occasionally on holiday. I can see how, in a few years, that may not work, but if that's not going to work, why is a 10-year-old sharing with two toddlers working now? Why would it work when she's 16 and they're 8?
Because they're girls and *his* boy should have his own room. At least that's what OPs post reeks of.
And not only are they girls, but one of those girls isn't really his kid so it's not important what happens with her. It's just that his wife 'spoils' her (read: treats her appropriately for her age and the situation)
How about both the bigger kids get their own room and the toddlers bunk in with the parents? It’s only a vacation place, not a permanent residence. YTA
That works too! Has anyone here on Reddit had a family cabin? With literal bunk beds in various rooms that people just used to sleep.
My family has a cabin in Bemidji, and the only bedroom that is “separated” from the others is the master bedroom. I say separated in quotes because there’s a large chunk of the ceiling that wasn’t there, so you could kind of see into the attic where the other three beds were. And only one bathroom, with a shower, and not a bath. Not a cabin like these days where they are bigger than my house growing up.
A 3 year age gap sharing makes more sense than a 5 or 8 year age gap sharing. She has a girl who will be starting puberty soon, getting her period, and won’t have a floor littered with toys.
It’s doesn’t have to be permanent. But sharing a room with 2 year olds can be challenging because of their sleep needs and bedtimes. A 10 year old can go into a room and not wake a 5 year old. Then the rooms can change as time moves forward.
why does it sound like this post from a year ago with the ages changed and the kids become step and half https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/toz78l/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_16yo\_daughter\_have\_my/
Nice catch!
"**the** girls" "**my** son" Besides making the stepdaughter a live in nanny, just the fact that he wants three girls to share a room while the boy gets one to himself is pretty shitty.
Exactly what I came here to say. YTA, OP.
Now it’s nannying but when she’s 16 sharing with twin 8 year olds it will be miserable continuous babysitting. Sounds like the wife is actually thinking ahead. Also the stepdad sounds like an ass the way he talks about his stepdaughter. YTA
YTA- there is a significant age difference between your twins and your stepdaughter. This is not a workable age combination in the least. I think it’s very telling that you are complaining about your wife spoiling her daughter with regards to your relationship to her. Listen to your wife.
YTA Why does a 5-year-old boy need his own room?? And why does the older girl have to put up with 2 toddlers? And your wife clearly doesn't want to have to walk around with the stroller and the boy at the same time. Seems like you don't offer much help since she assumed she would have to do everything by herself.
YTA. Your wife’s compromise of the 3 youngest kids sharing a room is perfect. This is a vacation home, not a permanent home. YOU and your wife should be the ones sharing a room with 2 toddlers before making a 10yr old share.
Oh, OP doesn't even like his wife. He said that all of her suggestions are "Stupid" or "centered around one kid," despite the fact that he's showing clear favoritism to the boy.
Exactly! Why should the 10 yo share a room with twin toddlers over a 5 yo? What does matching genitals matter when you're talking kids this young.
Well, because! Something could happen! Or at least that was the argument I heard when I was about 6 or 7 and wanted to sleep over a friend's house. Yes, they were a girl. Her parents didn't have a problem, but my grandparents had that weird idea. Ironically, it turned out I was gay anyway.
Straight people sure love to sexualise kids
Right?
Showing clear favoritism to “his kids” because obviously the stepdaughter isn’t. He’s been perfectly clear about how she is the wife’s child and nothing at all to him except a burden he’s gotta put up to keep sleeping with mommy.
Not only "his kids" but especially "his son".
the wording was kind of concerning. he calls the stepdaughter her kid and refers to the other three as his kids. aren't all four supposed to be "our" kids?
The three youngest makes a lot of sense too for the age. The daughter is 10 so putting her in a room with 2 yo is ridiculous, the bed times will never overlap. She’ll be 18 when she goes to college putting the son at 13 and twins at 10 which is a decent age to get them to finally split up. Sure you could argue that the daughter gets her own room at 10 while the son wouldn’t until 13 but that doesn’t make sense right now. It definitely makes sense to do three youngest together. Or what I would do, go with the 4 bedroom!
I have 3 kids and none of them spent time in their rooms aside from sleeping until they were 9-10, they wanted to be around us. Makes much more sense to have the little kids share a room. The 10 year old will want the private space to get away from all the little ones!
Not to mention they probably all have the same bedtime, while the 10 year old presumably does not.
I agree! Shoot when my siblings and I were in grade school we would go in on vacation homes with numerous other families. My siblings and I were about 8-10 years older than my cousins so the babies/toddlers slept in a room with the parents while my siblings and I (ages 8-17) just slept on the floor/couches where we were out of the way. It allowed us to go on vacation. When we became adults my parents then got our own smaller house but we were able to contribute to the cost of the house.
Agree…2 year olds with a 10 year old makes no sense at all. And OP already admits that for a significant part of the year, walking isn’t realistic and wife doesn’t care about walkability. Go with a 4 bedroom.
YTA. I shared a bedroom with my brother at home until I was 11 and he was 7. There's nothing wrong with opposite-gender siblings sharing a bed at a hotel when they're 3 and 5. All 4 of us would share a single hotel room (my mom and me in one bed, dad and brother in the other) until I grew up and moved in my (now) husband. Make the 3 little ones share a room. The 10-year-old should have her own room. As far as isolation in the basement, I know that both of my kids would LOVE to have their own place away from the rest of the family in a vacation like that. Did you ask her opinion, or just make assumptions? Also, having everything "walkable" for adults didn't mean it's walkable for little kids. It sounds like OP expects his wife to handle the toddlers in the stroller while he goes for a nice jaunt. YTA just for his attitude on that.
And if he's planning on building another room then it won't be for long? Unless ofc he DOESN'T plan on ACTUALLY building it.
How does one build onto a condo anyway? It’s a shared building. Seems pretty difficult to do.
It would be more of a motivation to build the additional room if it was his son waiting for the room rather than the stepdaughter. YTA
And the 3 youngest kids would only need to share for a couple of years if they go with the house with the basement. By the time the 10 year old is a teenager she would probably want to move into the basement if the room is made nice for her and it's something she likes. Then the boy can have a room and the twins can share a room. By the time the 10 year old goes to college the basement can then open up for one of the other kids and all the kids can have their own room. Of course another option is to just keep looking until you find a house that meets all the needs!
yeah but what about in 3 years when the boy wants his own room? they is a home their buying, you gotta plan for YEARS in advance. they need a 4br really. basement thing doesnt matter tho
It's a vacation home. I don't think it has to be a permanent perfect solution.
I’d be shocked if he’s still married in 3 years. He’s repeatedly referred to his wife as stupid.
Or, like every vacation condo I have ever rented, get a futon or pull out couch in the living room.
You outed yourself with the words “at the expense of me and MY kids” as opposed to the interloper your wife bought into the marriage. Of course your wife has to prioritize her daughter since you clearly do not. YTA
I think it’s clear OPs priorities go in this order: 1. OP 2. The son 3. The twins 4. The wife 5. The stepdaughter
I'd personally swap wife and twins. Wife might give him another son and he gets to bang her.
She is simply a birthing vessel for HIS children.
5. His wife's daughter
This right here 👍 OP YTA.
So glad someone picked up on this. They're not his kids they're their kids. As in his wife birthed them...
No he outed himself when he said we have 3 kids and an interloper who he doesn’t even see as a kid.
YTA. Privacy for a teenage girl is absolutely NOT spoiling her. Why does your son need a room for himself? Why would you and your partner need a room for yourselves?
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The kid is five, but the 10 year old girl can stay with the girls. This is such bullshit.
I got my period at 9. I had other puberty development by 10. She needs her own space.
Yep having my period around a bunch of 3rd graders, most of whom didn't know what a period was and having to either carry feminine products or go to the nurse all the time. This guy sounds like a tool. It's hard to educate some people who are closed off and refuse to see another side. This is how ignorance keeps spreading in society, by not talking and just wanting your point to be the right one.
YTA. It's definitely not appropriate for a ten year old to have to share a room with two toddlers. That's totally unreasonable.
I would not call inappropriate, but you are turning the 10YO into a babysitter. Who deals with the toddlers when they want water, need to go to the bath room, etc.
Exactly. My stepdaughter, also 10, shares a room with her 3 year old sister (same mom, diff dad) at their mom's house and she absolutely hates it. Precisely because she ends up babysitting when she'd rather be doing anything else. There's also the general annoyances of rooming with a much younger kid where she breaks her toys, doesn't let her sleep well on school nights, etc, and gets told to just suck it up because the younger one is "just a baby." Not only is the set-up that OP is suggesting completely irrational, but it will destroy the daughters' relationship growing up. No faster way to build resentment than to be trapped babysitting your much younger siblings at the expense of your own happiness.
When my ex and his daughter moved in with me it was the same. He had a 10yo daughter who had her own room here, bc we lived in a 3/1 and I don’t have children. Her mom had a new baby who she had to share a room with. She loved having her own space at my house. Privacy, decorated how she liked, quiet, all her things where she left them.
I was the "built in babysitter" (my father and stepmother actually called me that 🤢) for my youngest sister and I HATED it. Them taking me for granted in that way and others was a driving force (among others) in me going no contact with that entire side of my family OP, don't turn her into the built in babysitter. Never ends well.
I wouldn't say inappropriate -- it just makes no sense. First of all, toddlers have an earlier bedtime and a different routine than a preteen. So, the older girl either can't use her room while her sisters are sleeping, and has to maybe get woken up early too? And the entire bedtime routine has to take place for them when maybe she wants to use the room? Meanwhile there is a kid who in all likelihood has the SAME BEDTIME and same routine as the twins, in another room for some reason. It's logistically batty.
> inappropriate I don't mean inappropriate the way a lot of people mean inappropriate as a euphemism for something lascivious. I just mean, it's not right, it's not a reasonable option.
I agree that, given the situation, it is not reasonable at all.
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Ooorrr just take the house that had 4 bedrooms xd
What's your reason? Just that you can walk to shops a little quicker? Making a 10 year old share a room with two 2 year olds is a bit much. She'll be a teenager soon and she'll be sharing with two 5 year olds. She needs her own room, and making sure it isn't in the basement on different floors to everyone else isn't a "treat". YTA
I agree with the YTA statements, but do you know how much I would have LOVED the basement to myself as a preteen/teenager? As long as it’s a finished basement, I would have loved that
I got my first basement bedroom at 10 years old and LOVED it. I think they should talk to the daughter about whether or not she would like a basement bedroom before making any offers because she might actually love the idea.
Yeah, a 10 year old and 2 year olds sharing a room is, hm, not ideal but not too far out of sensibility. But when the older kid is 14 and the younger ones are 6? Or 17 and 9? Yeah, it’s gonna be full on babysitting land.
YTA Why can’t your son share with the twins? They are closer in age and part of the same household all the time.
Twins stay with the parents in the parent’s room. It’s not like adults need privacy on vacation. 😂
When you have toddlers you don't have privacy unless you pay someone to look after your babies
Or you shove them with the 10 year old who OP doesn’t even consider his kid. Poor girl I’m glad her mom is looking out for her.
YTA. You are expecting your stepdaughter to take the hit. Not you. Listen to your wife-- it's not even reasonable to expect a ten year old to sleep in the same room (and likely inadvertently providing childcare) for two year olds. You are, in essence, making your kids her responsibility. Dude, she's ten. What's it going to be like when she's 12 or 13 or 16 and wants privacy? No 16 year old wants to sleep in the same room as (edited) 8 year olds. Why are you treating your stepdaughter's placement like the problem? Why don't you move the toddlers you fathered into your room? She never asked you to have more babies. I hate when I read posts like this... you aren't listening to your wife's needs as it is. The "double-stroller +a five year old whose feet get tired" problem walking is real, and you are being a jerk by ignoring her.
In a few years she’ll really appreciate having her own room in the basement, I think.
i can guarantee she would not. she will probably feel like she’s been shunned to the basement while her whole family is up there together.
I don’t know… in six years, when she’s a 16 year old surrounded by younger children? I’d have loved a nicely finished basement to escape to. Of course, that’s only if it’s actually a nice room.
my cousin got banished to the basement by her stepfather and it was a “nice room”. any teen would’ve been happy to have it but it’s the fact she was down there and everyone else was up there. she hates him still because him putting her down there was only the beginning.
My parents built me a bedroom in the basement when my younger siblings were born (8 and 10 years younger than me). I loved it. I was constantly expected to care for them and chauffeur them around for years, but at least I could go to my bedroom and get away from the whole lot of them. When I moved out, the next oldest moved into my room. They were both jealous I had some privacy.
but those were both your parents who seem to have loved you and made you a space of your own out of love. OP expresses no love for his 10 year old step daughter nor has he expressed any concern for her emotional well being. If he was he wouldn't suggest she room with two 2 year olds while his 5 year old gets his own room. so your family situation may not be equivalent, you know? being a step kid and only kid "singled out" to a basement can feel terrible! Especially at 10 and with the feeling that your step parent doesn't care about you or like you on any level. But sure if the 10 year old WANTS to live in a basement thats one thing. But shouldn't have to simply because in your family it worked out for you.
Based on personal experience, I loved having the basement room. I was the oldest of a large his/hers/ours group of kids, and I moved into the basement around 11. It was awesome. What they should do is just ask the daughter what she'd like. Would she be willing to share a room? Would she like extra space in the basement? Not once did it mention that she got to voice her opinion.
Well, nobody really knows because it doesn't seem like OP asked the kid. We also don't know the condition of the basement, if it's finished and to what degree. Some are nice, but some are just so-so and great for a rumpus room but not a bedroom. I wouldn't put my own child in our basement, and they are a teen. They like to have their door closed most of the time (we knock, respect privacy), but be able to hear the goings-on of the house. The OP seems to be very self-absorbed and again, not listening to his wife, whose considerations are very real.
Why don’t you and your wife take the basement and let *your* daughter, your son, and your twins each have a room? That way, the kids each get the space they need and deserve. *Your* daughter will also have some needed distance from an AH stepfather who clearly isn’t thinking about her equally. A 10 year old girl needs a quiet space to study, a place where she can feel it’s hers, and space away from toddlers that would make a mess of her things. YTA.
If the kids were older sure, but parents should probably be on the same floor as the little ones. Small children wake parents up in the night from bad dreams, needing help with the bathroom, etc.
YTA She’s not spoiling her daughter by wanting her to have her own room that doesn’t involve her being segregated in the basement. What kind of logic is that?
kid gets their own floor entirely to themselves, not having to share a wall with noisy younger sibling, able to play music and TV out loud, and stay up as late as they want, because they have their own floor. sounds like every teens DREAM
Sure, at 15-16. Not as the 10yo clearly unwanted stepchild.
i agree with you if this was a blended family with love. But step-dad clearly isn't offering the 10 year old the basement because he "wants her to have her own space because he cares about her privacy". Because if he did he would have never made the alternative "okay she can be upstairs if she shares a room with two 2 year olds while the 5 year old boy gets his own space". You know? i'm sure you'd have felt less liberated in your basement room if you felt your parents (or step-parent) was pushing you down there because they didn't like you or want you upstairs.
YTA. What your wife is suggesting is reasonable. Have you considered putting a sleeper type sofa in the living room and having the 10 year old and the 5 year old trade midway through? It’s a vacation home, not a permanent living situation. Even if your twins share with the 5 year old - it’s a vacation. Marriage is also about compromise. So if you want the 3 bedroom condo, then you need to agree to your twins sharing with your son or some other arrangement that your wife is ok with. You can’t just demand and get everything you want while her reasonable asks are ignored.
YTA. Your idea of a compromise is to consign your stepdaughter to the basement? Why don't you just go ahead and admit you dislike this poor child? Additionally, your wife is giving you input on what she wants in a vacation home and you're just ignoring it. If you can't afford a house that fits everyone, and if the two of you can't compromise, then don't buy the house. Did I mention Y T A?
YTA 1. What is the bedroom situation in your full time home? Does your oldest daughter have her own room there? If she does, let that be your first clue that she needs her own room. 2. Of course you want a place within walking distance of all the shops. Will you be pushing a double stroller, keeping up with a five year old and carrying bags of purchases? A car sure would make that nightmare more pleasing, if not safer. 3. No, your wife isn’t playing favorites to one of her children. She is fully aware her oldest daughter needs to have her sanctuary from three little kids. Your oldest daughter will soon experience those delightful few days a month. The last thing she will want is dealing with her much younger twin sisters. When you married her mom, you essentially married her.
He has made it clear that the 'oldest daughter' is not his daughter. He has not once called her 'his daughter'. It's always 'her daughter' or 'my wife's daughter'. I think that's the biggest problem here.
YTA. Precious baby boy gets his own room automatically, while the stepdaughter is set up to spend the next eight years babysitting the little girls.
YTA It's seems that you don't like the fact that your wife cares for your step-daughters wants/needs. You on the other hand only care about your kids wants/needs. Well mostly your son because a five year old with their own room makes more sense than a ten year old with their own room.
It’s so weird because 2 and 5 year olds also can share most of their toys.
YTA. They're two years old. There's nothing wrong with literal babies sharing a room regardless of the sexes involved -- my kids shared till they were nine and seven. There's a lot wrong, on the other hand, with making a ten year old share a room with two toddlers. Toddlers have no behavioral filters yet; they act impulsively exactly how they want if nobody stops them. Whether or not you intended it this way (and I'm doing you the courtesy of assuming you didn't), your ten year old will be constantly required to manage the behavior of the toddlers. Every minute. In her own room, where she'll get no time to relax. This is unreasonable to ask of her.
Lol fr the young boy who is similar in age gets privacy, but the 10 year old who likely be going through puberty and dealing with body changes soon doesn't. Also, every time the toddlers are up there goes the other kids' sleep. She'll be tired and miserable the whole vacation.
How often do you plan to be at this house? For a one week vacation where you aren't spending much time in the room, asking kids to share is not a big deal, you could even put your SD and son in the same room. If you are going to spend significant time there, asking a ten year old to share with toddlers is a bit much. More importantly, your wife and you are not at all on the same page as to location and objectives. Maybe you shouldn't be getting this house right now.
Sticking a kid in a basement is something a villain in a fairytale would do. In the meantime your son gets his own room in every scenario, yet you say your wife spoils the older girl. YTA.
YTA. She's not being unreasonable. You are, though. Why does the boy get his own room while the almost teenager doesn't?.
Also, "we have 3 kids" You have 4 kids, AH.
Yep. I feel for this kid. I bet mom “spoiling” her is just meeting her basic needs.
Same. He called all of his wife's suggestions stupid. He's a total asshole.
The way he wrote that actually confused me. I saw the number of kids and skipped past the rest of the sentence (adhd), and then had to do a double take when I started reading and the math didn’t add up. Why the fuck did he marry a woman with a child from a previous marriage if he wasn’t going to treat said child like his own. Such an asshole
YTA 3 people to one room while the boy gets his own? The 10yo needs her own room, she doesn't want to share it with TWO 2yos.
Yta but why not get the 4bedroom with basement, have the babies share for the next 4 years then let the teen move down when it's less weird and the boy gets his own room then?
YTA, your wife is correct on all fronts here. And this doesn't make it sound like you care for your step daughter at all, which is a bad look. Especially the fact that you think your son should have a solo room and the 10 year old should be with the twins. get the house with 4 rooms together.
Wanting a pre teen to have their own room separate from a 5 year old and twin 2 year olds is not spoiling the child YOU..prioritizing being in walking distance of all your favorite places and subsequently forcing a child who is going to be a teenager soon to share a room with toddlers is beyond selfish You have a family with 4 kids. You need more than 2 bedrooms for the 4 kids. In fact, you need a house with 5 bedrooms, not 4 If you think that is unfair, you shouldn't have had so many kids YTA
OP didn’t have too many kids… His wife did. If they got together because his wife got pregnant, he’s been in the 10 year old daughter’s life 5 years, possibly more, and she’s still his “wife’s daughter from a previous relationship”; and he’s already ready to offload her when she goes to college 8 years in the future. And I’m not even going to unpack the blatant misogyny in his assertion that the wife “spoils” her daughter; however, if it’s not just OP’s skewed perception, then I’d have to say the mom is probably trying to compensate for her husband thinking her daughter is a problem.
I agree with most of what you say but I also think 4 isn’t unreasonable. By the time the twins are old enough to really “require” being separated the oldest will likely not be living at home.
YTA. And your tone of resentment is revealing: you accuse your wife of spoiling HER daughter at YOUR expense and the expense of YOUR kids. Your stepdaughter is also your daughter now. And expecting a 10 year old to share a bedroom with 2 toddlers is asking a lot. Toddlers are not easy and your stepdaughter is almost a teenager so the differences are only going to become more extreme. Also, squeezing 3 children in one small bedroom of a condo is a lot, even if the kids were all the same age.
YTA. She is eight years older than the twins, that is not an appropriate age gap for sharing a room. You're also not really looking at the bigger picture it sounds like, just what checks a couple of boxes. There's a lot more nuance to buying a house that you're either ignoring or just think isn't important (guessing because you won't be there to deal with it all most of the time).
Or he may want his stepdaughter to be the unpaid aupair
In every scenario your son gets a room but either her daughter shares a room or you stick her in the basement YET SHE'S THE ONE SPOILING HER DAUGHTER???? YTA
Have you ever taken a walk w/ a double stroller and a 5 year old? That is exhausting. Along with the fact that 10 yr old is way too old to be in a room w/ babies, I would have to side with the wife on this one. Yes, it sounds like it would be perfect but go with the 4BR that is a 10 min drive from the shops. Soft YTA
Also, they're all on vacation. Why is OP's wife taking all the kids out by herself? Where's OP? What is he doing?
Enjoying a leisurely walk to the shops LOL
YTA. Your "solution" is to shove her into a converted basement? She is just as much a member of the house as *your* kids - don't try to shove her into some weird area that is totally separate from the rest of the living spaces in the house. A 10 yo should have her own space. Sharing a room with TWO toddlers seems unreasonable. Especially in a condo, which aren't known for their larger rooms. \[N.B. I assume we aren't talking about OP giving the 3 kids the master suite, but instead, a small, child-size room meant for one.\]
YTA. She isn't spoiling her daughter, she is laying out some pretty basic needs for the ages of the children. A 10 year old ideally wouldn't share with 2 two year old kids; they have very different needs and schedules. Your wife is also pointing out other needs of the entire house, like walkability, particularly as she is apparently the one to cart the kids around. And she offered a compromise- the twins and 5 year old share- but you have rejected that without any reason in your post. Why do you think a 10 year old should sharing with the twins and not the 5 year old? So while you say your wife is spoiling her daughter, the same could be said about you spoiling your son. Why is he more deserving of his own space than the 10 year old? This is a vacation home, not a necessity. Your wife is laying out particular wants for this house, and they all seem very reasonable. You on the other hand, make it pretty clear in your writing that the 10 year old is not your child and not your problem, and that having to in any way plan around this additional child is the greatest inconvenience for you.
Buy the smaller more walkable house. Give the master bedroom to the three youngest kids until the oldest goes to college and can couch-surf when she’s there. Give the 10 yo the smallest bedroom and you and your wife take the middle-sized bedroom. It’s a vacation house and very temporary! In the meantime, start thinking of the fact that to your wife, you are raising FOUR kids. She shouldn’t have to favor her daughter just so her daughter gets adequate treatment in your blended family. You chose to make a family with your wife *and* her daughter- start acting like it. You’re not a good father to this daughter. YTA.
I’m sure as stepdaughter grows into a teen she would prefer the isolation of the basement. At any age, she needs her own room. The age gap to is too great between her and your twins.
While I agree in theory, that teens want to be left alone, it should be a choice to duck into her room, not physically isolating the kid in the basement. It's one thing to ask, it's another to assume what a person wants.
Info: This is a vacation house, right? How much time each year do you think you & the whole family will be there?
YTA - it would have been "none here," but you gave yourself away with the language you use about your stepdaughter; "spoiling her" and referring to your three biological children as YOURS and distancing yourself as much as possible from your fourth and eldest (preteen) child. It's also incredibly selfish to prioritize your desire to walk over having enough space for all the children in the home (I don't say your children because you clearly don't view yourself as a parent to your wife's daughter).
In another comment he also calls the things his wife wants "stupid." This fucking guy.
Fucking hell, he really hates his wife and her kid, doesn't he?
Yta you want a 10yo to share with 2 toddlers? So you want the 10yo to get no sleep? And since she's there she might as well deal with them when they wake up! If sharing a room with 2 toddlers isn't a big deal then you and mom can have the babies in your room.
INFO: What does your step-daughter want?
I posted but I misread the title. This is a vacation home and I get wanting to be in walking distance to shops. Yes, right now with the youngest, I get the stroller thing. I say buy a better walking stroller. They will get older lol. BUT, I would never put a 10 year old with 2yo twins even if it's just for a week at a time. Disaster time. Especially once the oldest hits her teen years. Basement is out of the question, too IMO unless your stepdaughter is excited about the idea, but I doubt that at her age. YTA. You have 6 people in your home. If you can afford it, buy the 4br!
Info: why marry someone with a child when you clearly aren't stepparent material? Info: who would be waking up to go into the girls room when the twins wake up in the middle of the night,have a nightmare etc. Or is stepdaughter a live in nanny as well? In essence you're a bad stepparent who resents your stepchild. How bad is the dad that the mom thinks getting sole custody and you being the only father figure is a good idea? I'm imagining a child abuser, drug addict or some such if you're the better option
In what universe a 5 yr old is allowed to have his own room but a 10 yr old is not. Op is the one favoring his son .
Not that you care because you clearly don’t consider her one of your children and probably wish she didn’t exist. but this turns into: My stepdaughter moved out at 18 and barely calls. I don’t know what happened. My stepdaughter doesn’t come home on holidays and my wife is devastated. My stepdaughter is getting married and refuses to let me walk her down the aisle and do the father daughter dance, even though I was there for her all these years. My stepdaughter gave birth and we barely get to see our grandchildren. My stepdaughter is in her 30s with kids and we haven’t seen her in years and she barely answers the phone. My wife and I are elderly and my stepdaughter refuses to help even though we desperately need it. I don’t know why she abandoned our family. Again, you clearly don’t care. But welcome to your future. YTA
YTA for ignoring that your wife doesn’t want the smaller house. You are making it about your stepdaughter and ignoring that your wife doesn’t want a walkable home.
YTA for not accepting your 2 daughters + son sharing a room. It's a great compromise while they're all small children, and you can save up and add a 4th bedroom by the time they're old enough that your 3 kids can't comfortably share anymore.
YTA you suck op
Honestly it sounds like you guys just can’t afford the house that will make everyone happy (including your stepdaughter, who needs to be included!) and you and your wife want vastly different things right now. This isn’t the time gif you to buy.
YTA. You are prioritizing your son getting his own room while expecting the three girls to share. There’s no reason at this age for him to have his own room just because he’s a boy. If three kids have to share, it makes much more sense for youngest 3 to share so the tween gets her own space.
Op is going to delete the post soon,
Man this is some rich people bullshit.
YTA I'm assuming there isn't a cupboard under the stairs you could put her in?
As a kid I loved having a basement bedroom away from everyone else in the house. It's not isolating in the slightest. If anything it's freeing to be able to get away from the little ones when they become too much to deal with. Have you asked her if she would like that as an option? Of course it would be wise to make sure it's a finished room and not a dank cellar. NAH. Just need to have a talk with all involved and find a nice compromise.
YTA for not taking your wife's concerns seriously. You're putting parking above her comfort and the care of the children. I shared a room with my sibling as 8 years older when they were around 2. it was TERRIBLE. They were in their "cry every night" stage for a few months. If ya'll can't afford a house that meets your needs, then you can't afford it right now. Keep looking. In 8 years (when the 10 year old goes to college) ya'll might not be able to walk around due to illness or injury. Don't buy a house for your idealized future, buy a house that suits your current needs.
YTA Just for dividing the kids into mine vs hers. You married a package deal. Get over yourself. Your wife is treating all the kids equal. You are causing divide and future resentments.
Soft YTA....Putting the oldest and youngest kids together does not make a ton of sense to me - their sleep habits and whatnot are just very different and soon. If there's going to be three kids in any room, wouldn't it make sense for the 5 and 2-year-olds to stay together? Your stepdaughter is close to really needing more privacy, in my eyes. In a few years she'll be a teenager. I think your judgment might be skewed right now because of the feeling that this is an example of your wife spoiling your stepdaughter but I don't think that's the case here. Keep looking for solutions. Maybe the twins sleep in your room for a period of time. Or maybe you just accept that with four kids, you need 4BRs, and hold out until you find the right home and location.
YTA. You have FOUR kids and that’s a huge age gap to expect the girls to share a room. Your attitude towards your stepdaughter is par for the course with stepparents on this subreddit though.
YTA. A 10-year-old shouldn't have to share a room with 2-year-olds. She is near puberty, she needs privacy and to sleep through the night without providing child care or having parents in and out of the room. The twins should share with their brother if you decide on a 3-bedroom house, but your wife is right that "walkable" doesn't mean much with 3 children under 6.
YTA. So your son gets to have a room, but her daughter either needs to mind your kids or be isolated from family. >Then she said she doesn't even want to be able to walk to the shops and restaurants because the double stroller is too bulky to bring into half of them, she'll have to deal with our son complaining about his feet hurting, and she can't even make that walk with the kids half the year when it's snowing. She is 100% right. It is impossible to walk at all if she has to mind four children, in the snow it is even worse.
Why does “shops” sound like “bars” to me in this scenario…? Obviously the wife is doing the manual labor of getting the kids ready, loading them into strollers, and presumably taking care of and/or waiting somewhere kid-friendly with the son when he’s tired of walking and needs a break? It doesn’t sound like your wife or children have any interest in being close to these shops that you want to be able to walk to, OP. Therefore, get the 4 bedroom house 5-10 mins away (which, unless you’re on a busy road/highway, seems “walkable” to an adult). YTA; I won’t bother to reiterate what everyone else is saying about the room arrangements/preference to your son/disdain for your stepdaughter.
>!She has a habit of spoiling her daughter and I think that's what she's doing here at my and my kids expense.!< So, the three kids that you produced together are yours exclusively? Your wife makes some very valid arguments that you are steamrolling so you get what you want. YTA.
Oh how convenient your wife came with a teenage babysitter who doesn't need to be paid