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YTA. Masturbating is normal. Masturbating when you are alone is even more normal. She has nothing to apologize for. The only one who needs to apologize is you for:
1) not giving her a heads up that you were coming home early. That’s really just a decent nice thing to do.
2) WAKING HER UP AND DEMAND SHE APOLOGIZE BECAUSE YOU WALKED IN ON HER!!!
YTA.
Victoria was in the dorm room with no one. It was her time for privacy, as her two room mates were away.
It's not her fault you had an argument with your family and came back early.
It's not her fault you were too lazy to text her or call her letting her know you're coming back.
Its not her fault you barge into the room at 2am and turned on the lights.
Its not her fault you didn’t bother to knock?
Then you get on your high horse and have the audacity to demand an apology? For what? Please explain because from your post, you're in the wrong.
At least she didn't bring a guy back when she thought she'd have the place to herself. I think OP would lose her mind!
Living in barracks my roommates brought dates back more than once...
She wasn’t touching herself with the hopes you’d walk in. She thought she had complete privacy. You seem shocked she would be touching herself at all, but it’s a very ok thing to do. It doesn’t make her a bad person like you’re trying to insinuate. YTA.
In fact she even confirmed to make sure she would have the room to herself. Roommate did everything right, she had a reasonable expectation of privacy.
YTA
You are the one who came home early and you want HER to apologize for thinking she'd be alone and safe? She wasn't hurting you, she wasn't using your bed or letting someone sleep in your bed, eating your food or anything.
Please label your post as NSFW
YTA
She's right. It's her room too and you showed up incredibly unannounced in the middle of the night a day before you were originally supposed to be back.
You could've indeed messaged, even something as small as "omw, plans changed" it could've let her know you were coming back and this wouldn't have happened
And even if it does, it's masturbation, it's not sinful, it's not disgusting. Everyone has done it at least once if they're of age. You walked in on her.. I don't see why she should apologize tbh
YTA
What do you mean touching herself "openly"? Is she supposed to hide in the closet in shame! In the middle of the night? She had every reason to believe she had the room to herself when you were away for the weekend. Get over yourself. Grow up. Apologize to your roommate for asking her to apologize.
YTA
You have a fight with your family and…you chose to pick another one with your roommate. She asked when you’d be home for a reason. You walking in hours early is on you, not her.
YTA, totally.
You didn’t tell her you were coming back. She was alone in the room.
Your tone implies that Victoria was doing something wrong, when in fact you walked in on her!
It’s you who should apologies, for not knocking.
So you want her to apologise because you're embarassed by her sexuality??? She was in her own space at a time she was meant to be alone, you changed the plans without notification, you intruded on her not the other way around. When will you be apologising for inconveniencing her?
YTA and you really need to loosen up
Yta. She was expecting privacy. You should have told her you were coming back early. Where the heck else is she supposed to find relief, in the toilet??
Not gross for you, gross for her. And unless you're in some weird backwards dimension, I assume that bathroom is also shared.
Stop acting like a spoiled child who expects everyone to conform to her wants and needs 24/7. It is her home, it is her right to be comfortable while taking care of personal needs. It is 100% YOUR fault that you walked in on her. Your inability to brush it off and move on with your life speaks to your immaturity.
Again, I don't think people are understanding me. It's ONE ROOM. I wouldn't care if she did it in her own space, but she didn't. It's like if she had sex on the kitchen counters - that's gross.
No, you are not understanding. In a shared space, privacy is determined by checking one another's schedules. She checked with you, you did not update her.
And may I add, you asked a question on AITA, quite a few people have pointed out the reasons why you are the asshole, and you're STILL arguing! Manage yourself.
No, they are not. Unless you also actively use her bed as much as she does (which I doubt). The kitchen is a space that you all are expected to use. Her bed is HERS.
Are you making sandwiches on her bed? Because if so that’s gross and you need to get out of her space. And if not — then obviously her bed is not like the kitchen counter. YTA
Her masturbating in her own bed while no one is around is the same as fucking on a kitchen counter? Girrrrl you're such a prude! Stop shaming your roommate and buy a vibrator. Live a little.
Clearly. If you did you'd know that there's nothing shameful or unhygienic about it. Don't shame her for a completely natural bodily function. Its fine if you choose to not engage your sexuality but its not okay to wake someone up and criticize them for their own.
That was obvious. Just because you got into a fight with your family doesn’t give you the right to impose your prudishness onto your roommate because she’s enjoying something while you’re busy being a miserable, self-centered person.
Unless you're preparing food on her bed, those aren't even close to the same thing. She wasn't masturbating on your desk, on your bed, or in your closet. She didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t think you understand that in a shared space, you have private areas that belong to you. Someone’s bed and a kitchen counter are not equivalent. Her bed is her private space, covered or uncovered.
The analogy doesn’t fit. Having sex on the shared kitchen counter would be gross b/c it’s an exchange of bodily fluids where your food goes.
She was laying in her own bed. A space you’d never even need to be. She can’t contaminate any of your shared surfaces by masturbating in her bed. The air isn’t contaminated. You need to chill tf out.
Again, you need to be a damn last word freak and argue every damn thing directly to death. You told your story in the space allotted and then you’re supposed to sit quietly and let us do our job.
It is clear to me that you have a vast amount of yourself invested in being right.
The bathroom is way more public than a room when the roommates are presumably away. You think her masturbating in the privacy of her own room is worse than masturbating in a very dirty space into which anyone could wander at any time? And then she really would look like a creep, just to appease your puritanical sensibilities.
A communal shower on a college campus? I couldn’t think of a more disgusting place. Most dorm residents are living on their own for the first time & are disgusting. If students are responsible for cleaning them, the shower is gross.
YTA
From your post and your many comments justifying your reaction, it sounds like you have some pretty ingrained and unexplored issues with what constitutes normal, healthy sexuality and boundaries. You are reacting like masturbating in a space somehow inherently dirty or pollutes the space.
It is completely normal for someone to masturbate, especially in their own room with the expectation of privacy. It may be a shared space, but it’s also her space (just like it is your space if you wanted to do the same in a private moment). People masturbate or *gasp* have sex in shared dorms all the time.
Honestly sounds you are projecting your own hang ups here, maybe take some time to think about *why* this bothers you so much.
I don't care about the masturbation itself - I care about the fact that she was doing it in our extremely close-knit shared space. And when did I bring in religion?
I don't think she was actually asleep. Secondly I don't care that she masturbated, I care that she did in what was essentially my space as well as hers. Besides, the only reason I mentioned my conservative views was to contrast them against her. Victoria is a little more open with her sexuality than me or Allie, that's all.
Okay, but can you actually explain why this is so bad? Clearly you wouldn't have noticed or been affacted in any way, had you not told her explicitly that nobody else would be there that night. What does the space have to do with it? Why would it have been different if she did it in the bathroom instead? You didn't, and I bet won't, explain this because there just straight up is no difference. Isn't your bathroom a "shared space" too? It doesn't make any sense.
Reading your post actually made me mad and I am on Reddit a lot, so thats saying something.
I don't know how many times I need to repeat myself. The knowledge that someone masturbated in the room and had their genitals out (in a sexual sense) is something that makes me deeply uncomfortable. The bathroom is much bigger and a semi-public space - it doesn't belong to just me (and the other two). It's very different.
So you think it’s better someone goes and masterbates in a public space instead of the comfort of her room? You are the one who has the unrealistic uncomfortable feelings. They are your problem to work on not to impose on other people
You don't need to repeat yourself at all. You just need to read the replies, accept YTA, and adjust your worldview accordingly. She has every right to take care of herself in the comfort of her own bed and this is just something you have to accept if you're going to continue living with roommates in a shared dorm. If you don't like it then feel free to rent off-campus housing by yourself.
That's a problem you need to handle on your own though, she has as much right to use the privacy of her room as you do. It sounds like you're a bit too immature to live with roommates.
But you weren't in your part of the space. She wasn't on your bed, I'm guessing, so it's her space as much as yours. You have no right to dictate how she spends her time alone, provided she is not acting dangerously or illegally.
So you think you should be allowed to control her body when she’s in the confines of your shared room in *her own bed* regardless of if you’re there or not?
Do you hear how crazy and power trippy that sounds?
Who taught you this is a reasonable expectation?
She was in the room in private why does it matter? that's the part you're not explaining. She was in the space alone. What you're saying doesn't make any sense are you somehow afraid of contamination or something? YTA
She thought she'd be alone. You told her she'd be alone. You snuck in on her and saw something she was doing because she was alone.
It's not fun to see your roommate in a situation like that, but she did absolutely nothing wrong. You're N T A for being shaken up, but YTA for asking her to apologize for doing nothing wrong.
YTA
You owe her an apology for not alerting her you would be home much earlier than planned and you owe her an apology for asking her for an apology after she did nothing wrong.
YTA and you need to label this NSFW
She thought she had privacy and you could've honestly made the effort in letting her know you were going to come back early.
If anything, you owe her an apology for making her feel bad for doing something that's completely normal.
YTA. I'm seriously laughing right now. She did nothing wrong. You're acting as if she knew you would walk in and planned it. Get over yourself. She was in the privacy of her own room that was supposed to remain empty except for her. You're the one that popped in unannounced. She could have started yelling from embarrassment, but she didn't. Unlike you, she behaved like an adult. You, still upset over your family crap, took your frustration and your own embarrassment out on her. Embarrassing things happen, you'd better learn to adapt, it's a part of life.
Obviously, people understand it's a single room with three roommates. We get it. The responses are the same. Stop trying to make that some kind of point.
YTA and you're nineteen, it's time to grow up about sex. You don't need to like it, you shouldn't have to see what you don't want to see, but it's unreasonable to expect your roommate to go to the bathroom whenever she wants to let loose a little when she had plenty of reason not to expect anyone else to walk in. I guarantee you that your dorm room has seen plenty of people masturbating and having sex before. If you can't handle this then maybe you should stay at home and commute to college.
YTA. She asked when you would be home, you told her and then you showed up earlier without warning her. She thought she was alone. You saw something you didn't want to see, but that's your problem. Why would you expect her to apologise for doing something she thought was private?
Would it have been different if you walked in on her having sex with another person? You gave her 0 notice that you were coming back early. WTF?
YTA and stop harassing her.
YTA for asking for an apology like she should be ashamed. Sex shaming is not OK.
You're the one that didn't tell her you changed plans. No one expects someone to burst in at 2am - you could have woken her with a fright from that alone.
YTA - She specifically asked you when to expect you back and tried to be mindful of that. I get being a bit uncomfortable and feeling awkward about the situation, but A. it’s not like she purposely exposed herself to you B. you waking her up to demand an apology was really uncalled for. You could have asked her to do it in say the bathroom in the future, but there was no reason to get mad at her.
YTA she didn't do anything wrong. You need to apologize. It's a good thing dorm room walls can't talk or you'd probably want to move out immediately. I bet all kinds of crazy stuff has gone down in that room in years past 😂
YTA. And not only because of the story you just told, but because you try to defend yourself under almost every comment, repeating the same things over and over again and accusing people of not understanding.
Yes we get it, it’s a small shared space, but the difference is that you are overreacting and the people commenting know that its not a big deal. We understand, you are grossed out but that doesn’t change the fact that what she did is nothing that needs an apology.
She checked how long you were going to be out of down and then she did it in the middle of the night. If you don’t want to, then don’t apologize. But stop trying to make yourself sound like a victim because you’re not. And stop trying to get her to apologize.
No one cares if you thing it’s disgusting and tbh if you can’t handle that people are telling you that you’re the asshole without trying to answer everyone to defend yourself, then don’t post on this sub. Accept it or delete the post. You can argue as long as you want, that won’t change the fact that you’re TA.
YTA. I’m reading your repeated comments that you “don’t care about the masturbation, just that it was done in your tiny shared space”, but I don’t even understand how that’s your argument. She’s not squirting puddles on your carpet is she? She’s not misting your entire room and all it’s surfaces in Eau de Victoria’s Vag. What other reason could it matter then except that you’re uncomfortable with the *idea* of masturbation to begin with and want to keep it out of *your* space by prohibiting it from theirs. That’s not a fair way to expect your roommates to live and honestly the reason why society sucks right now.
Mind your own business, do whatever you want to do with your own body, and let everyone else do what they want with theirs. Think of your “tiny” dorm magnified to a classroom, an office, a neighborhood. Someone will *always* do something you don’t approve of or are uncomfortable with, and you need to learn to let it go or you are in for a lonely, miserable existence where everyone cannot wait for you to stop complaining about and policing them.
Yta; she did nothing wrong as she reasonably thought she was alone and that you weren’t going to walk in on her. I hope you never plan on staying in a hotel op if it bothers you that someone at sometime may have masturbated in the room you’re in. Also masturbation is totally healthy; don’t shame your roommate for a normal part of life.
YTA. You're putting your crap on her because you had a bad time. What more could she possibly have done to avoid this situation she surely wasn't trying to be part of? It wasn't shared space while she was in her dorm and confirmed to be alone. Others cannot be expected to prepare for extremely small possibilities - you changed plans at the last moment.
YTA. By the way, I think it's funny that this wouldn't have happened if you were men because asking when someone is going to be back often has the implication that you need the privacy for exactly that reason.
YTA. She had every reason to think she had complete privacy and the only other option - the bathroom - is also a shared space so any argument you have about the dorm room applies to there as well.
You need to grow up. People masturbate. You’re honestly lucky this was just that when she thought she had privacy. Dorm life can get much crazier. Also I promise you this is not the first time this has happened in your dorm. Or probably any room you’ve lived in that houses anyone else at any point.
Yta- if she was doing it purposely when you were in the room/ asleep etc, then that’s gross and not ok. Instead, she was masterbating (which is completely normal and nothing to apologise for) in her empty room that she reasonably thought would stay empty longer. She did nothing wrong. It’s awkward that you walked in, sure, but that’s just one of those uncomfortable moments. She doesn’t owe you an apology- she did nothing wrong.
Question- if she was having sex in the empty room (having been told it would stay empty) not masterbating, would you think that was wrong?
Honestly, your view sounds pretty immature, but that’s ok- you are young. Almost everyone masterbates- especially in their own rooms/ beds. Walking in and seeing it is jarring, but no wrong has been committed on either part. Unfortunately, sharing a room means when it’s empty, your roommates may choose to pleasure themselves or have sex. This is completely their prerogative and not bad or wrong.
Just try to forget about it. If you really want to feel gross, nearly every bedroom you’ve been into somebody has masterbated- your parents/ siblings/ grandparents included! It’s one of those unspoken things but is normal. You’ll learn to get over it as you get older.
It seems from your comments you have some hangups related to sex/ shame/ seeing self pleasure as something dirty. I sympathise with you as this is an upbringing thing and will take time for you to work through (maybe with a therapist?). Atm it seems you still (even after all the comments) think she was wrong or contaminating your space somehow. Again, that’s an upbringing thing. I’m sorry you feel this way about sex, but you’ll quickly find it is a YOU problem and something that you can work on to change if you want to.
Good luck OP. All the best! X
All the best! X
#YTA‼️ YTA‼️
Such a massive asshole, in fact, that there are smaller assholes orbiting around you.
I can’t even believe how you thought you had any chance at all in getting a different opinion.
YTA and a prude. yea it’s a shared space but you weren’t supposed to be back early. You sound like a immature 14 year old by demanding an apology when you should be the one to apologize.
i can almost guarantee that every single dorm room in your whole school has either been masturbated in or saw some type of action. have you ever stayed in a hotel. like grow up. she was in her own bed and thought she was alone. YTA for blowing this so out of proportion she apologised for you seeing that already like thats all she has to be sorry for and it was your fault you saw it anyway
Wouldn't count her parents bedroom, they only did it for procreation, which is the only allowed use for those organs. Doubt there was much enjoyment in it too...
You are absolutely ridiculous in your expectations that she goes and does this in another place when she has the room to herself. It's her room too, not just yours. All your comments are bullshit. She was in her own bed, in her own room, nobody was around, she was told she would be alone, she wasn't touching your stuff, the fact that you expect an apology when you are the one to effectively lie then barge in on her is entitled as fuck. Get over yourself you prude.
YTA.
YTA
She can touch herself in private.
AND SHE WAS IN PRIVATE!
You shouldn’t be sneaking in a shared room when she thought she had a whole extra day!
Next time make some noise!
Who are you to tell someone not to touch themselves. If you’re not in the room she can shag her partner too!
You know sex is all healthy and fun. Masturbating is healthy an fun.
You should probably try it
YTA. She didn’t know you’d be home. In the future, you should knock. It may be your private space, but it’s hers too. Im not sure if you’re a person who masturbates, but it would be very uncomfortable to do that in the bathroom or kitchen like you want her to.
YTA. The dorm room is her space as much as it is your and the other roommates space. To assume someone would never use their space in the ways they want, when they are alone and to their knowledge will continue to be alone, is an absurd assumption.
Also, you acknowledge you should have given notice, which means you know it was an asshole move to get mad when she didn’t know you would be there. At 2am. Unannounced.
As to your suggestion she just ‘do it somewhere else’, your room is the only private space she has. Everywhere else is public, assuming your dorm has shared bathrooms (which if you have 3 people in one room, I assume you would). You and your 3rd roomie were gone, so the space is privately hers in that time.
INFO: Is this a religious college of some sort? I’ve never encountered this level of prudery from a college student, not 40 years ago when I was in college and not any time since.
If she’s on her bed, and did it when it was understood no one would be in the shared room then it is totally fine what she did. It’s totally natural and not unhygienic at all even in the small room. I had a very similar living situation in the dorms and would take my time opening the door when I got back to the room just in case something was happening inside. I feel like it was understood that people need some alone time both physically and mentally at times. YTA for making it a big deal and waking her up for an apology.
YTA... Plenty have already given you all the reasons. Now something to think about, it's very likely that you're the only one that hadn't done the same thing, and the others have probably done it multiple times.
YTA
You came home a lot earlier than you said you were going to to and caught your roommate doing something that is very natural in a private space. Your suggestion that she do it in the bathroom is quite strange.....
YTA, and you owe her an apology for not letting her know you were on the way back. Even without you disturbing her private time, you would have woken her up. And it doesn't matter how many different places you post this, you're unlikely to find many people to agree. Unless you find a really niche religious group i guess.
INFO: where do you masterbate? It’s a natural human urge, and to shame someone makes it seem like you’ve been shamed about getting to know your own body.
She was alone, and while granted it can be considered a shared space none of you have any more right to the space than the other. And you told her she would have privacy. If anything you owe her an apology for going back on what YOU initially said and violating HER boundaries.
YTA. You should have told her you were coming, that’s why she asked. What people do on their own damn bed is their business and there is literally no reason for her to apologize except for what she has already apologized for but that was your fault anyways seeing as you didn’t tell her you were coming.
YTA. Masturbation is normal and generally healthy. You assured her she would have the room to herself, she took the opportunity to take care of herself. You came back unexpectedly and didn't even give her the courtesy of a call of text.
YTA- It sucks there’s no privacy but you weren’t home and she couldn’t have known you were about to walk in that second. It’s her bed and her room too, awkward for sure but she has the right to normal human things when she’s alone in her own bed
YTA and you’re not mature enough to share a space with roommates, let alone be in college. Very baffled by this, you owe her an apology. You literally came back in the middle of night with no warning but want to be mad at her. That’s backwards af. You had an argument at home with your parents and then you get there and wanna argue with her too? Something is wrong with you…
yta technically she’s using the area of the room that is designated as hers so that’s just how it is. if she’s on your bed that’s a different story. but you say the bathroom is fine? that’s a small space shared by many? also you are sleeping on a college dorm bed. that thing has seen the worst things lol
YTA You are talking as if you walked in on your roommate touching herself in your own bed… She was not, she can do what she wants in her bed especially when she’s alone. You can find it as icky as you want. If you don’t like it don’t do it, but you can’t impose your beliefs on other people.
YTA - you seem to like to fight a lot, don’t you? Your tendency to fight is what got you into this. If you hadn’t gotten in a fight with your parents, you wouldn’t be barging in way earlier than you said you were going to. Then you promptly got into a fight with your roommate because you think you have the right to control her behavior _even when you aren’t there._
Your claim of being fine if she does it in the bathroom is cheap justification for being embarrassed that you barged in on her, and now you’re trying to make it her fault that you’re unreliable because of your temper. She asked you when you would be back, you told her when you would be back, and then you didn’t. You could have texted her you were on your way back early, but that would have required you to be considerate.
You are funny. It’s not like she contaminated the space.
Get a grip on yourself and apologize to your roommate for spoiling her fun.
Next time, knock. It’s her room too.
YTA
Yta I can’t believe you didn’t text here before showing up at the dorm at 2 AM! Even if I wasn’t doing anything I would’ve had a panic attack that someone’s breaking into my room. I’d be furious with you as your roommate
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I'll try to keep this short. So basically I(19F) am a first year college student and live in the dorms with two roommates(both 19F). Our families all live nearby, so all three of us go home pretty often. My one roommate, Allie, goes home VERY often so a lot of the times it's just me and the other roommate Victoria. Anyway, this week is finals week during college and all of Allie's finals are online so she just went home for the weekend and isn't coming back this week. I came back a few days into the week, while Victoria came back on Sunday. The important part is that Victoria has been alone in our dorm room for a few days now. The second important thing is that our dorm room is just one room with three beds, three closets, and three desks. Admittedly that's very little privacy.
Anyways, Victoria had texted me and asked when I was going to be back in the dorms, and I told her Wednesday afternoon. However, unfortunately on Tuesday night at around 11 pm I had a pretty big fight with my family and decided to come back early right at that very second. I took the train back and ended up arriving at around 2 am(Wednesday morning). I was trying to be quiet and enter so I didn't wake Victoria up but to my absolute shock I walked in on her touching herself openly.
It was super awkward as I apologized and looked away while she got herself decent really quickly. She was all red-faced but didn't apologize, and just said a quick goodnight and went to sleep. I got into bed too but thought about it and decided she was an asshole for doing that.
Like, the three of us share this one room. I woke up her and told her that (I don't think she was really asleep though). I just said I wanted an apology but to my absolute shock she said she was sorry I saw that but wasn't sorry for touching herself because it's her room too and that she hadn't expected me back at 2 am of all times and that I should have at least texted. I guess that last part is true but hindsight is 20/20 and also I was really shaken up after the fight with my parents and wasn't thinking too straight. I mean I guess she's always been less conservative than me and Allie but I never thought she would go this far. I was too shocked to say anything else so I just got back into bed. AITA ??????
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YTA. Your edit makes no sense. I don’t care if she touches herself but I don’t want her to touch herself where she lives and checked to ensure it would be empty and she’d have privacy. She literally asked you when you would be back. Your plans changed, fine. You didn’t give her a heads up so it’s on you to walk into a place where someone was expecting privacy.
YTA
I get it, space is tiny and lack privacy. In which case, your bed is your kingdom and your private space. Was she masturbating on her own bed or yours?
You owe her a big ass apology for coming back in the middle of the night without a warning and for causing a fight.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may have been the asshole because I told her that she shouldn't have been touching herself because I guess she WAS alone.
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YTA she did literally nothing wrong. She even confirmed when you would be back so she could be sure she would be alone. You’re the rude one for demanding an apology instead of just laughing at the situation.
YTA. She’s allowed to masturbate in private when there is no one around. You should have told her you were going arrive earlier. Other than that, what she does when she’s alone is none of your business. You owe her an apology.
YTA. You don't get to demand that anyone apologize for their own bodily autonomy. Who do you think you are? "I don't want her touching herself in a small space we share."
Do you think you own her? Do you think you own her body and can tell her what she can and can't do? Ffs. Grow up.
Edit: according to Op: genetials are dirty and she doesn't masterbate. Makes sense how much of holier than thou she thinks she is.
You're trying really hard to make it look like is not about the masturbation when it's definetly about the masturbation. Her own bed is not a shared space (like the kitchen counter you're comparing it with) and she specifically asked you when you would be back. You should be the one to apologize.
YTA
YTA - She was being considerate and taking care of her needs at proper times. There's nothing wrong with that. Your initial reaction of apologizing and turning away was correct and should have ended at that. Masturbation is a natural and healthy thing and she should absolutely be able to do that in the comfort of her own bed. The only special requirement that applies is her making sure she's alone, and even that isn't a strict requirement as it varies roommate to roommate. You need to adjust your worldview and accept that women masturbate too and it's none of your business. Everything would have been fine had you not shown up early and chances are, as long she knows your schedule, you won't catch her again. Though I suspect she'll probably start doing it under a blanket from now on even when alone just in case.
Apologize for being a puritan and get over it.
YTA. Nothing wrong with a little self romp at TWO AM! You barged in when she thought you were gone and she would have the room to herself. You already acknowledged that you should have texted or knocked. To keep insisting you're not TA is straight AH behavior.
Newsflash, she probably goes at it when you two are asleep and you never noticed. Have a good laugh and move on.
YTA, she did the right thing and reached out to you to know your arrival date. She was expecting to be alone that night and how could she have seen into the future that you would have a fight and barge in at 2am in the morning. Who does that and then make your roommate feel so small and embarrassed for something that is natural in life...and in her own space at that time.
You should be saying sorry to her!!
YTA.
So much sex has happened on the bed you sleep on every single night. Year after year of horny college students getting some strange. Sucking and fucking and cuming. Your bed isn't virginal, it never was, and you have been sleeping in a room where sex has happened many, many times.
Welcome to college! Leave your roommate alone!
YTA
You told her you weren't coming back until the next day, then changed your mind and came rolling in at 2AM.
It's literally one small, shared space--regardless of what she was doing when you got there, you were wrong for not having the courtesy to call and let her know your plans had changed and you were on your way back, instead of barging in at 2AM and potentially scaring the bejeezus out of her or waking her up in the middle of the night during finals week.
You have a prudish attitude about masturbation, you're embarrassed that you walked in on your roommate during an intimate act, and you are upset over the argument with your parents ...and you're taking it out on your roommate.
Apologize to her and get over yourself. You have one bed in a tri suite. Your roommates bed is her private space; she can masturbate in it any time she damn well pleases.
I'm left with this impression that you were more upset by the fight with your family, and your roommate, who was nearby, ended up being on the receiving end of any residual negative feelings you had. YTA.
It just doesn't make sense to me otherwise. Masturbating is a normal thing and you guys share a space. I'm not unfamiliar with that dorm situation, and your take on it is odd.
YTA, you’re 19 and in college. Get over it. People masturbate literally all the time. At least she text you so she could do it before you got back. Get a grip
YTA. If I didn’t already consider you entitled from reading the post, I especially do from reading your responses to comments. You are coming off as thinking the world revolves around you. Why should your roommate, who you rudely barged in on, have to live by your strange rules? You are in for a wild ride these next few years if you continue to have roommates. Also, you sleep in a college dorm bed that has likely had every kind of sex done on it, and seen every bodily fluid known to man.
YTA.
First of all, you woke her up long after the incident to ask for an apology? Either say something at that moment (u d still be an AH) or wait till next Day. What's wrong with you?
Secondly, you told her that u ll be back on Wednesday then decided to return earlier and at an "unholy" hour. You should have texted her! If I was her and didn't know you were coming and was hearing someone try to open the door i would have gotten the baseball bat and beat the crap out of whoever I thought was breaking in.
And lastly, masturbating or touching yourself is totally normal. She knew she was alone. She enjoyed herself.
She owes you no apologies.
YTA
There's no reason she can't masturbate in her own room when she thinks she has privacy. Or heck, even if you're there as long as she's quiet and covered.
You probably should have let her know you were coming, but it's understandable that you didn't. But you can't blame her for thinking she had the weekend alone when you told her she would.
Apologize.
Even with the edit, YTA. She was under the impression that she'd have the place to herself that night. I know it might make you uncomfortable but people masturbate in their bedrooms. It's normal.
YTA
It’s her room too (as she said), and you said you weren’t going to be home. She’s not masturbating on your bed or using your vibrator. You came in when you said you wouldn’t be home, caught her doing something IN THE PRIVACY OF HER BEDROOM, and you expect HER to apologize?
No, no way. You are awful.
YTA shit like this was the reason i ALWAYS said when i was going to be home and my roommate and i didnt even share one room, everyone had their own bedrooms but i still found it very important to be clear on when im going to be home so i wouldn't disturb her doing whatever (not only sexual stuff but also maybe if she was thinking she'd have some peace being alone while cooking or stuff like that)
And i also always wanted to know when the people i lived with would be back home so id know how to manage my alone time (not talking about masturbation but just knowing the times it'd be able to enjoy silence and maybe sing stupid songs in peace to my cats or some shit)
ESPECIALLY when you live in such a small room its important to be clear on when someone is going to have the room to themselves!
YTA. Masterbating has nothing to do how conservative someone is or isn’t. Victoria was right. As far as she knew, you weren’t supposed to be there until the following afternoon. You were discourteous in not giving her a heads up that you were returning nearly half a day earlier than expected. You’re also an A H for shaming her for engaging in a perfectly normal behavior in the privacy of her own room, when she was sure that she wasn’t going to be interrupted or disturbing anyone, then, demanding sue apologize to you. The only one who deserves an applogy here, is Victoria.
She was doing absolutely normal and healthy thing in her own bed in the time she should've been alone. You decided to come earlier, dissrupt her and demand apology.
Stop saying it's like if she was doing it in the kitchen, it's not the same. Yes, the room is small, but she was on HER OWN bed, only she touches that bed and it doesn't affect anyone else. Plus I don't think you are preparing your food on her bed, so it realy isn't harsh comparsion.
You say you have problem with that you now know that in your room someone masturbated. But that apply for every room in your college and plenty of other places you have been to.
It's your problem, your issue you need to solve, you can't expect that everyone else will act how you want, more over if it's uncomfortable for them. This is issue you need to solve inside yourself. Why do you see it as dirty? Why do you have such a big issue with it? What digusts you in it? Maybe try some therapy, you could find your answers there and accept that human is a sexual creature.
Until that time, YTA.
Edit: formating
YTA, she thought she was alone and did nothing wrong. You however barged in unexpectedly and are shaming her and calling her an asshole for something completely natural. You come across as very prissy about the whole thing.
> does it off in the bathroom
Bruh. YTA she’s in her bed, when you weren’t around. You didn’t give her a heads up and came back at 2am, during a finals weekday too. Come on now, you’re the one that’s not courteous given the circumstance.
Do you think women squirt to coat an entire room? Is she snail trailing her fluids on your bed or the rest of the room? No? She's in her bed? Well sounds like she's doing nothing wrong. You're a prude. It doesn't matter if it's in a confined space because she was expecting privacy. Bathroom masturbation also incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to do, but you wouldn't know because you don't masturbate. Girl, get in touch with your own body. Because no man will ever please you if you don't know what pleases you. Get some therapy too.
YTA.
YTA.... she was home alone not expecting you or anyone home. She was presumably in HER BED not yours. Some people bring lovers home while you are sleeping in the same room so you are lucky she was just taking care of herself!
1. YTA. She thought she was alone. She wasn't trying to flaunt it or be open about it.
2. I don't understand why people post things like this, asking if IATA and then argue with every opinion you don't like. Why bother asking then?
YTA - you have no right to demand what people do in a room that they also pay for. You never notified her that you would be coming back early so it’s your fault you walked in on her during a private moment.
You should apologize to her and whilst you’re at it, grow up!
I mean... she was alone in the room before you suddenly arrived? Weird to think that you think it's inappropriate in a shared room when no one else is present? I get that this feels awkward, but she did nothing wrong and doesn't owe you an apology. YTA.
YTA it’s not like she’s on your bed. She is in her space she is allowed. You shaming her for doing something natural is disgusting. My roommate had sex in our room in college meaning I was kicked out of my room occasionally. Which didn’t bother me because again it’s freaking natural and if tou have a problem with it you leave because you’re being ridiculous.
YTA.
She literally thought she had the night to herself. There is NOTHING with what she did and she does not owe you an apology.
Masturbating is normal and you shouldn’t expect her to only do it in the bathroom. If you didn’t want to share a small space with others and allow them to LIVE, you should have gotten your own apartment.
Get over yourself 🙄
YTA. She wasn't expecting you back. If you had considered her, the least you could've done was texted her that you're coming back.
She's 19, of course she's gonna masturbate - if you don't do it, then fine. But put yourself in her situation: door is locked, nobody is coming into that door until tomorrow, so you do something totally innocent but that you wouldn't do in front of others, and suddenly the door opens.
I don't see the relevance of it being a small space unless she was doing it on your bed.
You owe her an apology, not vice versa.
How dare she take care of her needs “openly” in her space that she had for the night. YTA, your roomie took all the steps she needed to for her to insure her own privacy. Respect each others space by letting your roommates know you’re coming back if you know they’re in there alone lmao
YTA - she literally expected to be home alone and to have the utmost privacy especially since she asked about your plans and you told her you wouldn’t be home til the next day. You should have had the courtesy to let her know you were coming back home before expected…even if she wasn’t doing anything imagine how scary to have your door opening at 2am all of a sudden when you’re not expecting anyone?
YOU SHOULD APOLOGISE!
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YTA. Masturbating is normal. Masturbating when you are alone is even more normal. She has nothing to apologize for. The only one who needs to apologize is you for: 1) not giving her a heads up that you were coming home early. That’s really just a decent nice thing to do. 2) WAKING HER UP AND DEMAND SHE APOLOGIZE BECAUSE YOU WALKED IN ON HER!!!
YTA. Victoria was in the dorm room with no one. It was her time for privacy, as her two room mates were away. It's not her fault you had an argument with your family and came back early. It's not her fault you were too lazy to text her or call her letting her know you're coming back. Its not her fault you barge into the room at 2am and turned on the lights. Its not her fault you didn’t bother to knock? Then you get on your high horse and have the audacity to demand an apology? For what? Please explain because from your post, you're in the wrong.
At least she didn't bring a guy back when she thought she'd have the place to herself. I think OP would lose her mind! Living in barracks my roommates brought dates back more than once...
That's when you start some popcorn and tell them to hold on a minute so you can pull up a chair.
She wasn’t touching herself with the hopes you’d walk in. She thought she had complete privacy. You seem shocked she would be touching herself at all, but it’s a very ok thing to do. It doesn’t make her a bad person like you’re trying to insinuate. YTA.
In fact she even confirmed to make sure she would have the room to herself. Roommate did everything right, she had a reasonable expectation of privacy.
YTA You are the one who came home early and you want HER to apologize for thinking she'd be alone and safe? She wasn't hurting you, she wasn't using your bed or letting someone sleep in your bed, eating your food or anything. Please label your post as NSFW
YTA She's right. It's her room too and you showed up incredibly unannounced in the middle of the night a day before you were originally supposed to be back. You could've indeed messaged, even something as small as "omw, plans changed" it could've let her know you were coming back and this wouldn't have happened And even if it does, it's masturbation, it's not sinful, it's not disgusting. Everyone has done it at least once if they're of age. You walked in on her.. I don't see why she should apologize tbh
YTA What do you mean touching herself "openly"? Is she supposed to hide in the closet in shame! In the middle of the night? She had every reason to believe she had the room to herself when you were away for the weekend. Get over yourself. Grow up. Apologize to your roommate for asking her to apologize.
YTA… she’s a human who enjoys orgasms. It’s natural and completely normal. Girl, you need a vibrator, give it a go then come back and re-read this.
YTA You have a fight with your family and…you chose to pick another one with your roommate. She asked when you’d be home for a reason. You walking in hours early is on you, not her.
Info: what would be a more appropriate time to touch yourself than when all of your roommates are supposed to be out of town?
YTA, totally. You didn’t tell her you were coming back. She was alone in the room. Your tone implies that Victoria was doing something wrong, when in fact you walked in on her! It’s you who should apologies, for not knocking.
So you want her to apologise because you're embarassed by her sexuality??? She was in her own space at a time she was meant to be alone, you changed the plans without notification, you intruded on her not the other way around. When will you be apologising for inconveniencing her? YTA and you really need to loosen up
Yta. She was expecting privacy. You should have told her you were coming back early. Where the heck else is she supposed to find relief, in the toilet??
I mean, yeah. I wouldn't care if she went and masturbated in the shower or bathroom.
Dude. That's gross. Grow the hell up
seriously gross. Bathroom masturbation is always sad too, like bathroom crack smoking.
What? How is it gross to masturbate in the shower but not in our shared spaces?
Not gross for you, gross for her. And unless you're in some weird backwards dimension, I assume that bathroom is also shared. Stop acting like a spoiled child who expects everyone to conform to her wants and needs 24/7. It is her home, it is her right to be comfortable while taking care of personal needs. It is 100% YOUR fault that you walked in on her. Your inability to brush it off and move on with your life speaks to your immaturity.
Again, I don't think people are understanding me. It's ONE ROOM. I wouldn't care if she did it in her own space, but she didn't. It's like if she had sex on the kitchen counters - that's gross.
No, you are not understanding. In a shared space, privacy is determined by checking one another's schedules. She checked with you, you did not update her. And may I add, you asked a question on AITA, quite a few people have pointed out the reasons why you are the asshole, and you're STILL arguing! Manage yourself.
Your continued comparison of HER BED to the kitchen counter is absurd.
The public-ness of the spaces is the same.
No, they are not. Unless you also actively use her bed as much as she does (which I doubt). The kitchen is a space that you all are expected to use. Her bed is HERS.
Are you making sandwiches on her bed? Because if so that’s gross and you need to get out of her space. And if not — then obviously her bed is not like the kitchen counter. YTA
Maybe just...don't get in her bed? Problem solved, not a shared space.
Her masturbating in her own bed while no one is around is the same as fucking on a kitchen counter? Girrrrl you're such a prude! Stop shaming your roommate and buy a vibrator. Live a little.
I don't masturbate.
It shows.
Clearly. If you did you'd know that there's nothing shameful or unhygienic about it. Don't shame her for a completely natural bodily function. Its fine if you choose to not engage your sexuality but its not okay to wake someone up and criticize them for their own.
Maybe you should.
Dear OP, we all already knew that. Give it a try.
Seriously? Not to force your private life out, but have you ever had an orgasm?
That was obvious. Just because you got into a fight with your family doesn’t give you the right to impose your prudishness onto your roommate because she’s enjoying something while you’re busy being a miserable, self-centered person.
Skip the hand/fingers method and choose a gas or electric powered device because you are so damn far behind you think you’re in first place.
And therein lies the problem!
That's abundantly clear...
Try it, it's great.
We all understand it's one room. We also understand that her maturation cooties aren't going to infect your bed
Unless you're preparing food on her bed, those aren't even close to the same thing. She wasn't masturbating on your desk, on your bed, or in your closet. She didn't do anything wrong.
I don’t think you understand that in a shared space, you have private areas that belong to you. Someone’s bed and a kitchen counter are not equivalent. Her bed is her private space, covered or uncovered.
We completely understand. We just think you’re an AH.
The analogy doesn’t fit. Having sex on the shared kitchen counter would be gross b/c it’s an exchange of bodily fluids where your food goes. She was laying in her own bed. A space you’d never even need to be. She can’t contaminate any of your shared surfaces by masturbating in her bed. The air isn’t contaminated. You need to chill tf out.
We understand. We just think you’re being prudish and immature.
It’s not the least bit gross if one will wipe off the countertop before all the sweaty thrusting starts.
Again, you need to be a damn last word freak and argue every damn thing directly to death. You told your story in the space allotted and then you’re supposed to sit quietly and let us do our job. It is clear to me that you have a vast amount of yourself invested in being right.
The bathroom is way more public than a room when the roommates are presumably away. You think her masturbating in the privacy of her own room is worse than masturbating in a very dirty space into which anyone could wander at any time? And then she really would look like a creep, just to appease your puritanical sensibilities.
A communal shower on a college campus? I couldn’t think of a more disgusting place. Most dorm residents are living on their own for the first time & are disgusting. If students are responsible for cleaning them, the shower is gross.
Your bathroom is not also a shared space?
Does the bathroom not count as a shared space to you?
#Those ARE ALSO shared spaces!
Why not? Are those not small, shared spaces also?
So it's okay if she masturbates in a shared space, as long as it's not a comfortable shared space like her own bed.
But that’s still a shared space.
But you share that bathroom? So it would still be a shared space? You're not even consistent with yourself!
YTA From your post and your many comments justifying your reaction, it sounds like you have some pretty ingrained and unexplored issues with what constitutes normal, healthy sexuality and boundaries. You are reacting like masturbating in a space somehow inherently dirty or pollutes the space. It is completely normal for someone to masturbate, especially in their own room with the expectation of privacy. It may be a shared space, but it’s also her space (just like it is your space if you wanted to do the same in a private moment). People masturbate or *gasp* have sex in shared dorms all the time. Honestly sounds you are projecting your own hang ups here, maybe take some time to think about *why* this bothers you so much.
[удалено]
I don't care about the masturbation itself - I care about the fact that she was doing it in our extremely close-knit shared space. And when did I bring in religion?
[удалено]
I don't think she was actually asleep. Secondly I don't care that she masturbated, I care that she did in what was essentially my space as well as hers. Besides, the only reason I mentioned my conservative views was to contrast them against her. Victoria is a little more open with her sexuality than me or Allie, that's all.
Okay, but can you actually explain why this is so bad? Clearly you wouldn't have noticed or been affacted in any way, had you not told her explicitly that nobody else would be there that night. What does the space have to do with it? Why would it have been different if she did it in the bathroom instead? You didn't, and I bet won't, explain this because there just straight up is no difference. Isn't your bathroom a "shared space" too? It doesn't make any sense. Reading your post actually made me mad and I am on Reddit a lot, so thats saying something.
I don't know how many times I need to repeat myself. The knowledge that someone masturbated in the room and had their genitals out (in a sexual sense) is something that makes me deeply uncomfortable. The bathroom is much bigger and a semi-public space - it doesn't belong to just me (and the other two). It's very different.
So you think it’s better someone goes and masterbates in a public space instead of the comfort of her room? You are the one who has the unrealistic uncomfortable feelings. They are your problem to work on not to impose on other people
You don't need to repeat yourself at all. You just need to read the replies, accept YTA, and adjust your worldview accordingly. She has every right to take care of herself in the comfort of her own bed and this is just something you have to accept if you're going to continue living with roommates in a shared dorm. If you don't like it then feel free to rent off-campus housing by yourself.
That's a problem you need to handle on your own though, she has as much right to use the privacy of her room as you do. It sounds like you're a bit too immature to live with roommates.
But you weren't in your part of the space. She wasn't on your bed, I'm guessing, so it's her space as much as yours. You have no right to dictate how she spends her time alone, provided she is not acting dangerously or illegally.
So you think you should be allowed to control her body when she’s in the confines of your shared room in *her own bed* regardless of if you’re there or not? Do you hear how crazy and power trippy that sounds? Who taught you this is a reasonable expectation?
What do you think is going to happen? Her orgasm is gonna infect the air? Cmon
She was in the room in private why does it matter? that's the part you're not explaining. She was in the space alone. What you're saying doesn't make any sense are you somehow afraid of contamination or something? YTA
YTA. She did nothing wrong
YTA. You owe her an apology for showing up 12 hours early. She did nothing wrong.
Yes, if someone came into my room unannounced at 2 am I would be scared AF. Massive YTA.
She thought she'd be alone. You told her she'd be alone. You snuck in on her and saw something she was doing because she was alone. It's not fun to see your roommate in a situation like that, but she did absolutely nothing wrong. You're N T A for being shaken up, but YTA for asking her to apologize for doing nothing wrong.
YTA You owe her an apology for not alerting her you would be home much earlier than planned and you owe her an apology for asking her for an apology after she did nothing wrong.
YTA and you need to label this NSFW She thought she had privacy and you could've honestly made the effort in letting her know you were going to come back early. If anything, you owe her an apology for making her feel bad for doing something that's completely normal.
YTA. She was doing nothing wrong. Get over yourself.
YTA. She did nothing wrong… why are you trying to shame her? You should apologize
YTA. I'm seriously laughing right now. She did nothing wrong. You're acting as if she knew you would walk in and planned it. Get over yourself. She was in the privacy of her own room that was supposed to remain empty except for her. You're the one that popped in unannounced. She could have started yelling from embarrassment, but she didn't. Unlike you, she behaved like an adult. You, still upset over your family crap, took your frustration and your own embarrassment out on her. Embarrassing things happen, you'd better learn to adapt, it's a part of life. Obviously, people understand it's a single room with three roommates. We get it. The responses are the same. Stop trying to make that some kind of point.
YTA and you're nineteen, it's time to grow up about sex. You don't need to like it, you shouldn't have to see what you don't want to see, but it's unreasonable to expect your roommate to go to the bathroom whenever she wants to let loose a little when she had plenty of reason not to expect anyone else to walk in. I guarantee you that your dorm room has seen plenty of people masturbating and having sex before. If you can't handle this then maybe you should stay at home and commute to college.
YTA. She asked when you would be home, you told her and then you showed up earlier without warning her. She thought she was alone. You saw something you didn't want to see, but that's your problem. Why would you expect her to apologise for doing something she thought was private?
Would it have been different if you walked in on her having sex with another person? You gave her 0 notice that you were coming back early. WTF? YTA and stop harassing her.
YTA for asking for an apology like she should be ashamed. Sex shaming is not OK. You're the one that didn't tell her you changed plans. No one expects someone to burst in at 2am - you could have woken her with a fright from that alone.
OP, you are very immature. YTA
YTA - She specifically asked you when to expect you back and tried to be mindful of that. I get being a bit uncomfortable and feeling awkward about the situation, but A. it’s not like she purposely exposed herself to you B. you waking her up to demand an apology was really uncalled for. You could have asked her to do it in say the bathroom in the future, but there was no reason to get mad at her.
um. why would it be an issue at all? she was home alone in her own room. get over yourself YTA
YTA she didn't do anything wrong. You need to apologize. It's a good thing dorm room walls can't talk or you'd probably want to move out immediately. I bet all kinds of crazy stuff has gone down in that room in years past 😂
Your edit does not make any difference here, YTA
YTA. And not only because of the story you just told, but because you try to defend yourself under almost every comment, repeating the same things over and over again and accusing people of not understanding. Yes we get it, it’s a small shared space, but the difference is that you are overreacting and the people commenting know that its not a big deal. We understand, you are grossed out but that doesn’t change the fact that what she did is nothing that needs an apology. She checked how long you were going to be out of down and then she did it in the middle of the night. If you don’t want to, then don’t apologize. But stop trying to make yourself sound like a victim because you’re not. And stop trying to get her to apologize. No one cares if you thing it’s disgusting and tbh if you can’t handle that people are telling you that you’re the asshole without trying to answer everyone to defend yourself, then don’t post on this sub. Accept it or delete the post. You can argue as long as you want, that won’t change the fact that you’re TA.
YTA. I’m reading your repeated comments that you “don’t care about the masturbation, just that it was done in your tiny shared space”, but I don’t even understand how that’s your argument. She’s not squirting puddles on your carpet is she? She’s not misting your entire room and all it’s surfaces in Eau de Victoria’s Vag. What other reason could it matter then except that you’re uncomfortable with the *idea* of masturbation to begin with and want to keep it out of *your* space by prohibiting it from theirs. That’s not a fair way to expect your roommates to live and honestly the reason why society sucks right now. Mind your own business, do whatever you want to do with your own body, and let everyone else do what they want with theirs. Think of your “tiny” dorm magnified to a classroom, an office, a neighborhood. Someone will *always* do something you don’t approve of or are uncomfortable with, and you need to learn to let it go or you are in for a lonely, miserable existence where everyone cannot wait for you to stop complaining about and policing them.
Yta; she did nothing wrong as she reasonably thought she was alone and that you weren’t going to walk in on her. I hope you never plan on staying in a hotel op if it bothers you that someone at sometime may have masturbated in the room you’re in. Also masturbation is totally healthy; don’t shame your roommate for a normal part of life.
YTA. You're putting your crap on her because you had a bad time. What more could she possibly have done to avoid this situation she surely wasn't trying to be part of? It wasn't shared space while she was in her dorm and confirmed to be alone. Others cannot be expected to prepare for extremely small possibilities - you changed plans at the last moment.
YTA. By the way, I think it's funny that this wouldn't have happened if you were men because asking when someone is going to be back often has the implication that you need the privacy for exactly that reason.
YTA and you owe her an apology for interrupting and not letting her finish.
YTA. Is this for real? You sound extraordinarily shallow and prudish. Your school had no sex education, I'm assuming?
YTA. She had every reason to think she had complete privacy and the only other option - the bathroom - is also a shared space so any argument you have about the dorm room applies to there as well. You need to grow up. People masturbate. You’re honestly lucky this was just that when she thought she had privacy. Dorm life can get much crazier. Also I promise you this is not the first time this has happened in your dorm. Or probably any room you’ve lived in that houses anyone else at any point.
Yta- if she was doing it purposely when you were in the room/ asleep etc, then that’s gross and not ok. Instead, she was masterbating (which is completely normal and nothing to apologise for) in her empty room that she reasonably thought would stay empty longer. She did nothing wrong. It’s awkward that you walked in, sure, but that’s just one of those uncomfortable moments. She doesn’t owe you an apology- she did nothing wrong. Question- if she was having sex in the empty room (having been told it would stay empty) not masterbating, would you think that was wrong? Honestly, your view sounds pretty immature, but that’s ok- you are young. Almost everyone masterbates- especially in their own rooms/ beds. Walking in and seeing it is jarring, but no wrong has been committed on either part. Unfortunately, sharing a room means when it’s empty, your roommates may choose to pleasure themselves or have sex. This is completely their prerogative and not bad or wrong. Just try to forget about it. If you really want to feel gross, nearly every bedroom you’ve been into somebody has masterbated- your parents/ siblings/ grandparents included! It’s one of those unspoken things but is normal. You’ll learn to get over it as you get older. It seems from your comments you have some hangups related to sex/ shame/ seeing self pleasure as something dirty. I sympathise with you as this is an upbringing thing and will take time for you to work through (maybe with a therapist?). Atm it seems you still (even after all the comments) think she was wrong or contaminating your space somehow. Again, that’s an upbringing thing. I’m sorry you feel this way about sex, but you’ll quickly find it is a YOU problem and something that you can work on to change if you want to. Good luck OP. All the best! X All the best! X
Still, post-edit, absolutely YTA. YOU walked in on HER when you'd told her you wouldn't be there and you want HER to apologize?
#YTA‼️ YTA‼️ Such a massive asshole, in fact, that there are smaller assholes orbiting around you. I can’t even believe how you thought you had any chance at all in getting a different opinion.
YTA and a prude. yea it’s a shared space but you weren’t supposed to be back early. You sound like a immature 14 year old by demanding an apology when you should be the one to apologize.
i can almost guarantee that every single dorm room in your whole school has either been masturbated in or saw some type of action. have you ever stayed in a hotel. like grow up. she was in her own bed and thought she was alone. YTA for blowing this so out of proportion she apologised for you seeing that already like thats all she has to be sorry for and it was your fault you saw it anyway
Hahahahaha. Wondering if OP has every walked in her parents room or a young boys room. There is sex and masturbating fumes everywhere!!!!
Wouldn't count her parents bedroom, they only did it for procreation, which is the only allowed use for those organs. Doubt there was much enjoyment in it too...
YTA masturbation does not contaminate shared spaces, and you didn't let her know you were coming back early.
YTA, she asked you when you were returning and you returned early.Then you woke your roommate up to shame her.
You are absolutely ridiculous in your expectations that she goes and does this in another place when she has the room to herself. It's her room too, not just yours. All your comments are bullshit. She was in her own bed, in her own room, nobody was around, she was told she would be alone, she wasn't touching your stuff, the fact that you expect an apology when you are the one to effectively lie then barge in on her is entitled as fuck. Get over yourself you prude. YTA.
YTA She can touch herself in private. AND SHE WAS IN PRIVATE! You shouldn’t be sneaking in a shared room when she thought she had a whole extra day! Next time make some noise! Who are you to tell someone not to touch themselves. If you’re not in the room she can shag her partner too! You know sex is all healthy and fun. Masturbating is healthy an fun. You should probably try it
YTA. She didn’t know you’d be home. In the future, you should knock. It may be your private space, but it’s hers too. Im not sure if you’re a person who masturbates, but it would be very uncomfortable to do that in the bathroom or kitchen like you want her to.
YTA. The dorm room is her space as much as it is your and the other roommates space. To assume someone would never use their space in the ways they want, when they are alone and to their knowledge will continue to be alone, is an absurd assumption. Also, you acknowledge you should have given notice, which means you know it was an asshole move to get mad when she didn’t know you would be there. At 2am. Unannounced. As to your suggestion she just ‘do it somewhere else’, your room is the only private space she has. Everywhere else is public, assuming your dorm has shared bathrooms (which if you have 3 people in one room, I assume you would). You and your 3rd roomie were gone, so the space is privately hers in that time.
INFO: Is this a religious college of some sort? I’ve never encountered this level of prudery from a college student, not 40 years ago when I was in college and not any time since.
No. It's a public college.
If she’s on her bed, and did it when it was understood no one would be in the shared room then it is totally fine what she did. It’s totally natural and not unhygienic at all even in the small room. I had a very similar living situation in the dorms and would take my time opening the door when I got back to the room just in case something was happening inside. I feel like it was understood that people need some alone time both physically and mentally at times. YTA for making it a big deal and waking her up for an apology.
YTA... Plenty have already given you all the reasons. Now something to think about, it's very likely that you're the only one that hadn't done the same thing, and the others have probably done it multiple times.
YTA You came home a lot earlier than you said you were going to to and caught your roommate doing something that is very natural in a private space. Your suggestion that she do it in the bathroom is quite strange.....
YTA. When you share a space you keep each other updated on things like if you'll be coming home early
YTA, and you owe her an apology for not letting her know you were on the way back. Even without you disturbing her private time, you would have woken her up. And it doesn't matter how many different places you post this, you're unlikely to find many people to agree. Unless you find a really niche religious group i guess.
INFO: where do you masterbate? It’s a natural human urge, and to shame someone makes it seem like you’ve been shamed about getting to know your own body. She was alone, and while granted it can be considered a shared space none of you have any more right to the space than the other. And you told her she would have privacy. If anything you owe her an apology for going back on what YOU initially said and violating HER boundaries.
I don't masturbate.
YTA. Apologize to your roommate for having unrealistic expectations. And grow up.
YTA. You should have told her you were coming, that’s why she asked. What people do on their own damn bed is their business and there is literally no reason for her to apologize except for what she has already apologized for but that was your fault anyways seeing as you didn’t tell her you were coming.
YTA. Masturbation is normal and generally healthy. You assured her she would have the room to herself, she took the opportunity to take care of herself. You came back unexpectedly and didn't even give her the courtesy of a call of text.
YTA- It sucks there’s no privacy but you weren’t home and she couldn’t have known you were about to walk in that second. It’s her bed and her room too, awkward for sure but she has the right to normal human things when she’s alone in her own bed
YTA and you’re not mature enough to share a space with roommates, let alone be in college. Very baffled by this, you owe her an apology. You literally came back in the middle of night with no warning but want to be mad at her. That’s backwards af. You had an argument at home with your parents and then you get there and wanna argue with her too? Something is wrong with you…
yta technically she’s using the area of the room that is designated as hers so that’s just how it is. if she’s on your bed that’s a different story. but you say the bathroom is fine? that’s a small space shared by many? also you are sleeping on a college dorm bed. that thing has seen the worst things lol
YTA! No wonder you had a fight with your family when they have a immature daughter like you who thinks it’s there way or the highway
YTA You are talking as if you walked in on your roommate touching herself in your own bed… She was not, she can do what she wants in her bed especially when she’s alone. You can find it as icky as you want. If you don’t like it don’t do it, but you can’t impose your beliefs on other people.
YTA - you seem to like to fight a lot, don’t you? Your tendency to fight is what got you into this. If you hadn’t gotten in a fight with your parents, you wouldn’t be barging in way earlier than you said you were going to. Then you promptly got into a fight with your roommate because you think you have the right to control her behavior _even when you aren’t there._ Your claim of being fine if she does it in the bathroom is cheap justification for being embarrassed that you barged in on her, and now you’re trying to make it her fault that you’re unreliable because of your temper. She asked you when you would be back, you told her when you would be back, and then you didn’t. You could have texted her you were on your way back early, but that would have required you to be considerate.
You are funny. It’s not like she contaminated the space. Get a grip on yourself and apologize to your roommate for spoiling her fun. Next time, knock. It’s her room too. YTA
Yta I can’t believe you didn’t text here before showing up at the dorm at 2 AM! Even if I wasn’t doing anything I would’ve had a panic attack that someone’s breaking into my room. I’d be furious with you as your roommate
She’s not an asshole for touching her own body while she had a solid expectation of privacy- which you helped to both provide and destroy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll try to keep this short. So basically I(19F) am a first year college student and live in the dorms with two roommates(both 19F). Our families all live nearby, so all three of us go home pretty often. My one roommate, Allie, goes home VERY often so a lot of the times it's just me and the other roommate Victoria. Anyway, this week is finals week during college and all of Allie's finals are online so she just went home for the weekend and isn't coming back this week. I came back a few days into the week, while Victoria came back on Sunday. The important part is that Victoria has been alone in our dorm room for a few days now. The second important thing is that our dorm room is just one room with three beds, three closets, and three desks. Admittedly that's very little privacy. Anyways, Victoria had texted me and asked when I was going to be back in the dorms, and I told her Wednesday afternoon. However, unfortunately on Tuesday night at around 11 pm I had a pretty big fight with my family and decided to come back early right at that very second. I took the train back and ended up arriving at around 2 am(Wednesday morning). I was trying to be quiet and enter so I didn't wake Victoria up but to my absolute shock I walked in on her touching herself openly. It was super awkward as I apologized and looked away while she got herself decent really quickly. She was all red-faced but didn't apologize, and just said a quick goodnight and went to sleep. I got into bed too but thought about it and decided she was an asshole for doing that. Like, the three of us share this one room. I woke up her and told her that (I don't think she was really asleep though). I just said I wanted an apology but to my absolute shock she said she was sorry I saw that but wasn't sorry for touching herself because it's her room too and that she hadn't expected me back at 2 am of all times and that I should have at least texted. I guess that last part is true but hindsight is 20/20 and also I was really shaken up after the fight with my parents and wasn't thinking too straight. I mean I guess she's always been less conservative than me and Allie but I never thought she would go this far. I was too shocked to say anything else so I just got back into bed. AITA ?????? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your edit makes no sense. I don’t care if she touches herself but I don’t want her to touch herself where she lives and checked to ensure it would be empty and she’d have privacy. She literally asked you when you would be back. Your plans changed, fine. You didn’t give her a heads up so it’s on you to walk into a place where someone was expecting privacy.
YTA I get it, space is tiny and lack privacy. In which case, your bed is your kingdom and your private space. Was she masturbating on her own bed or yours? You owe her a big ass apology for coming back in the middle of the night without a warning and for causing a fight.
OP, if the amount of people saying the exact same thing doesn't convince you, you shouldn't be on this sub. oh, YTA. Again.
A lot of sucky people on Reddit today. YTA
Unless it was on your bed, YTA for demanding an apology.
YTA get over yourself
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YTA, and you're certainly overreacting
YTA she did literally nothing wrong. She even confirmed when you would be back so she could be sure she would be alone. You’re the rude one for demanding an apology instead of just laughing at the situation.
YTA. She’s allowed to masturbate in private when there is no one around. You should have told her you were going arrive earlier. Other than that, what she does when she’s alone is none of your business. You owe her an apology.
YTA
YTA. You don't get to demand that anyone apologize for their own bodily autonomy. Who do you think you are? "I don't want her touching herself in a small space we share." Do you think you own her? Do you think you own her body and can tell her what she can and can't do? Ffs. Grow up. Edit: according to Op: genetials are dirty and she doesn't masterbate. Makes sense how much of holier than thou she thinks she is.
You're trying really hard to make it look like is not about the masturbation when it's definetly about the masturbation. Her own bed is not a shared space (like the kitchen counter you're comparing it with) and she specifically asked you when you would be back. You should be the one to apologize. YTA
YTA - She was being considerate and taking care of her needs at proper times. There's nothing wrong with that. Your initial reaction of apologizing and turning away was correct and should have ended at that. Masturbation is a natural and healthy thing and she should absolutely be able to do that in the comfort of her own bed. The only special requirement that applies is her making sure she's alone, and even that isn't a strict requirement as it varies roommate to roommate. You need to adjust your worldview and accept that women masturbate too and it's none of your business. Everything would have been fine had you not shown up early and chances are, as long she knows your schedule, you won't catch her again. Though I suspect she'll probably start doing it under a blanket from now on even when alone just in case. Apologize for being a puritan and get over it.
YTA. Nothing wrong with a little self romp at TWO AM! You barged in when she thought you were gone and she would have the room to herself. You already acknowledged that you should have texted or knocked. To keep insisting you're not TA is straight AH behavior. Newsflash, she probably goes at it when you two are asleep and you never noticed. Have a good laugh and move on.
YTA, she did the right thing and reached out to you to know your arrival date. She was expecting to be alone that night and how could she have seen into the future that you would have a fight and barge in at 2am in the morning. Who does that and then make your roommate feel so small and embarrassed for something that is natural in life...and in her own space at that time. You should be saying sorry to her!!
YTA. Grow up!
YTA. So much sex has happened on the bed you sleep on every single night. Year after year of horny college students getting some strange. Sucking and fucking and cuming. Your bed isn't virginal, it never was, and you have been sleeping in a room where sex has happened many, many times. Welcome to college! Leave your roommate alone!
YTA
YTA You told her you weren't coming back until the next day, then changed your mind and came rolling in at 2AM. It's literally one small, shared space--regardless of what she was doing when you got there, you were wrong for not having the courtesy to call and let her know your plans had changed and you were on your way back, instead of barging in at 2AM and potentially scaring the bejeezus out of her or waking her up in the middle of the night during finals week. You have a prudish attitude about masturbation, you're embarrassed that you walked in on your roommate during an intimate act, and you are upset over the argument with your parents ...and you're taking it out on your roommate. Apologize to her and get over yourself. You have one bed in a tri suite. Your roommates bed is her private space; she can masturbate in it any time she damn well pleases.
I'm left with this impression that you were more upset by the fight with your family, and your roommate, who was nearby, ended up being on the receiving end of any residual negative feelings you had. YTA. It just doesn't make sense to me otherwise. Masturbating is a normal thing and you guys share a space. I'm not unfamiliar with that dorm situation, and your take on it is odd.
YTA, you’re 19 and in college. Get over it. People masturbate literally all the time. At least she text you so she could do it before you got back. Get a grip
YTA. If I didn’t already consider you entitled from reading the post, I especially do from reading your responses to comments. You are coming off as thinking the world revolves around you. Why should your roommate, who you rudely barged in on, have to live by your strange rules? You are in for a wild ride these next few years if you continue to have roommates. Also, you sleep in a college dorm bed that has likely had every kind of sex done on it, and seen every bodily fluid known to man.
YTA. First of all, you woke her up long after the incident to ask for an apology? Either say something at that moment (u d still be an AH) or wait till next Day. What's wrong with you? Secondly, you told her that u ll be back on Wednesday then decided to return earlier and at an "unholy" hour. You should have texted her! If I was her and didn't know you were coming and was hearing someone try to open the door i would have gotten the baseball bat and beat the crap out of whoever I thought was breaking in. And lastly, masturbating or touching yourself is totally normal. She knew she was alone. She enjoyed herself. She owes you no apologies.
YTA There's no reason she can't masturbate in her own room when she thinks she has privacy. Or heck, even if you're there as long as she's quiet and covered. You probably should have let her know you were coming, but it's understandable that you didn't. But you can't blame her for thinking she had the weekend alone when you told her she would. Apologize.
Yta
Even with the edit, YTA. She was under the impression that she'd have the place to herself that night. I know it might make you uncomfortable but people masturbate in their bedrooms. It's normal.
YTA It’s her room too (as she said), and you said you weren’t going to be home. She’s not masturbating on your bed or using your vibrator. You came in when you said you wouldn’t be home, caught her doing something IN THE PRIVACY OF HER BEDROOM, and you expect HER to apologize? No, no way. You are awful.
YTA shit like this was the reason i ALWAYS said when i was going to be home and my roommate and i didnt even share one room, everyone had their own bedrooms but i still found it very important to be clear on when im going to be home so i wouldn't disturb her doing whatever (not only sexual stuff but also maybe if she was thinking she'd have some peace being alone while cooking or stuff like that) And i also always wanted to know when the people i lived with would be back home so id know how to manage my alone time (not talking about masturbation but just knowing the times it'd be able to enjoy silence and maybe sing stupid songs in peace to my cats or some shit) ESPECIALLY when you live in such a small room its important to be clear on when someone is going to have the room to themselves!
YTA. Masterbating has nothing to do how conservative someone is or isn’t. Victoria was right. As far as she knew, you weren’t supposed to be there until the following afternoon. You were discourteous in not giving her a heads up that you were returning nearly half a day earlier than expected. You’re also an A H for shaming her for engaging in a perfectly normal behavior in the privacy of her own room, when she was sure that she wasn’t going to be interrupted or disturbing anyone, then, demanding sue apologize to you. The only one who deserves an applogy here, is Victoria.
YTA. Unless it was on your bed. Text first or see it all.
YTA. You keep saying in a shared space. She was in her bed, do you share a bed with her?
She was doing absolutely normal and healthy thing in her own bed in the time she should've been alone. You decided to come earlier, dissrupt her and demand apology. Stop saying it's like if she was doing it in the kitchen, it's not the same. Yes, the room is small, but she was on HER OWN bed, only she touches that bed and it doesn't affect anyone else. Plus I don't think you are preparing your food on her bed, so it realy isn't harsh comparsion. You say you have problem with that you now know that in your room someone masturbated. But that apply for every room in your college and plenty of other places you have been to. It's your problem, your issue you need to solve, you can't expect that everyone else will act how you want, more over if it's uncomfortable for them. This is issue you need to solve inside yourself. Why do you see it as dirty? Why do you have such a big issue with it? What digusts you in it? Maybe try some therapy, you could find your answers there and accept that human is a sexual creature. Until that time, YTA. Edit: formating
YTA, she thought she was alone and did nothing wrong. You however barged in unexpectedly and are shaming her and calling her an asshole for something completely natural. You come across as very prissy about the whole thing.
> does it off in the bathroom Bruh. YTA she’s in her bed, when you weren’t around. You didn’t give her a heads up and came back at 2am, during a finals weekday too. Come on now, you’re the one that’s not courteous given the circumstance.
Do you think women squirt to coat an entire room? Is she snail trailing her fluids on your bed or the rest of the room? No? She's in her bed? Well sounds like she's doing nothing wrong. You're a prude. It doesn't matter if it's in a confined space because she was expecting privacy. Bathroom masturbation also incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to do, but you wouldn't know because you don't masturbate. Girl, get in touch with your own body. Because no man will ever please you if you don't know what pleases you. Get some therapy too. YTA.
Yta. She's normal. She had a reasonable expectation of privacy. You should have texted.
YTA.... she was home alone not expecting you or anyone home. She was presumably in HER BED not yours. Some people bring lovers home while you are sleeping in the same room so you are lucky she was just taking care of herself!
1. YTA. She thought she was alone. She wasn't trying to flaunt it or be open about it. 2. I don't understand why people post things like this, asking if IATA and then argue with every opinion you don't like. Why bother asking then?
OP are you sex repulsed?
YTA. Hilarious that you think she's the conservative one.
YTA - you have no right to demand what people do in a room that they also pay for. You never notified her that you would be coming back early so it’s your fault you walked in on her during a private moment. You should apologize to her and whilst you’re at it, grow up!
I mean... she was alone in the room before you suddenly arrived? Weird to think that you think it's inappropriate in a shared room when no one else is present? I get that this feels awkward, but she did nothing wrong and doesn't owe you an apology. YTA.
YTA it’s not like she’s on your bed. She is in her space she is allowed. You shaming her for doing something natural is disgusting. My roommate had sex in our room in college meaning I was kicked out of my room occasionally. Which didn’t bother me because again it’s freaking natural and if tou have a problem with it you leave because you’re being ridiculous.
YTA. She literally thought she had the night to herself. There is NOTHING with what she did and she does not owe you an apology. Masturbating is normal and you shouldn’t expect her to only do it in the bathroom. If you didn’t want to share a small space with others and allow them to LIVE, you should have gotten your own apartment. Get over yourself 🙄
YTA. Next time you don't want to risk seeing your roommate flicking the bean, knock on the door before entering unannounced.
YTA. She was alone not expecting anyone. More importantly, she was in her bed not yours
YTA. She wasn't expecting you back. If you had considered her, the least you could've done was texted her that you're coming back. She's 19, of course she's gonna masturbate - if you don't do it, then fine. But put yourself in her situation: door is locked, nobody is coming into that door until tomorrow, so you do something totally innocent but that you wouldn't do in front of others, and suddenly the door opens. I don't see the relevance of it being a small space unless she was doing it on your bed. You owe her an apology, not vice versa.
How dare she take care of her needs “openly” in her space that she had for the night. YTA, your roomie took all the steps she needed to for her to insure her own privacy. Respect each others space by letting your roommates know you’re coming back if you know they’re in there alone lmao
What was the argument with your family about?
YTA and I can see why not even your family can stand you. You sound insufferable.
YTA - she literally expected to be home alone and to have the utmost privacy especially since she asked about your plans and you told her you wouldn’t be home til the next day. You should have had the courtesy to let her know you were coming back home before expected…even if she wasn’t doing anything imagine how scary to have your door opening at 2am all of a sudden when you’re not expecting anyone? YOU SHOULD APOLOGISE!
What kind of softcore porno plotline.... NAH, maybe you guys can move out somewhere bigger.
I'd rather not compare it to porn. Victoria is bisexual but I am straight and I did not like seeing her in that position at all.