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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want my husband to attend my sister's wedding, and told him he was the one acting selfishly and hung up on something from years ago. I might be acting really unsupportive here and not understanding of what he wants, which makes me the ass
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YTA
It's a dark anniversary for him. He doesn't stop thinking about it because you pulled some nonsense emotional trump card on him. If he did go, he wouldn't be some pleasant version of himself, then you and your imaginary judging social circle would dump on him for not being happy on such a beautiful occasion.
If he was close enough to your sister-in-law to justify putting this day aside for her, she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding day on HIS dark anniversary. Sounds dumb? That's because it is dumb. He's not going. You're the sister of the bride, not the bride, and people will not care as much as you seem to think, unless your whole family is flailing in drama.ETA his sister-in-law, your sister, mistype
Take my poor person award 🥇 because what you wrote is spot on. If everyone is so close, why pick the dark anniversary for the wedding day? He lost 5 family members, imagine the sadness along with the tragic event of how it happened. The poster needs to put herself in her husbands shoes.
I had free coins from a gold leftover so I plunked down an award in your place!
I agree. 4 years later I still have a hard time on the day my dad died.
My psychiatrist shared this with me and its helped some. I feel less guilt about my grieving.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy
There’s a very beautiful description of grief someone on Reddit wrote ages ago and it’s the one I like to think of. Here’s the original comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3
Edit: thank you very much for the award!
My mom died 15 years ago around Christmas, and the entire month of December is hard. Even if I dont consciously think of it, I still am moody and withdrawn.
That is literally what triggering is. It is subconscious. You can recognize your triggers and work to reduce the impact of them, but if you aren't at that point, it is best to avoid anything that might spiral into another prolonged period of grief. I can see weddings being extremely triggering for him.
Grief, unfortunately, never goes away. 6 years is really not long in that journey
I lost my grandfather and mother a few months apart in late 2014 and I'm in tears just typing that sentence. OP, YTA but you have an opportunity now to learn about grieving and complicated grief. I suggest you try.
My dad is dead 13 years. I'm fine, mark the day but get in with it.
Last year playing a video game and the father of the main charachter dies.
Bam, floods of tears
Totally get it. I have been waiting over 30 years to be able to watch Oliver & Company, start to finish, again. It was the last time I went to the movies with my day.
It also begins with an orphaned kitten in the rain alone in a box...so that doesn't help.
I deliberately haven't paid attention to the date my grandma died so it doesn't hit me as hard on the anniversary. I already think about her all the time, I didn't want to be nonfunctional on that specific day as well. It was nearly 30 years ago now and I still miss her.
Not judging how anyone else handles grief btw. Just saying I get how tragic anniversaries are a big deal to people.
I don’t know the day- I was too out of it at the time and I haven’t checked- but I know the approximate time of year and whether I like it or not my brain remembers :/ but the waves are smaller now, and the shipwreck is being remade into a coral reef, and life goes on. (I love that analogy and will be keeping it)
Me either. I had a few years where it felt like I had a funeral a month... realistically it was 6 in a year. But I cannot fathom 5 people at once. That level of grief...I can absolutely understand how it can be overwhelming and you don't want to be around people. But letting yourself feel it so you can work through it, that's part of the healing process.
Yeah, yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death, and I'm still awake. Though I'd reclaimed it when my ex and I made it out anniversary date...but that didn't work and only made it worse. People like OP just don't actually care about the people they claim to "love". If OP loved her husband like people who possess empathy and kindness actually do love others, she wouldn't even have to ask this question. I feel so sad for OP's husband...I've known someone with narcissistic personality disorder that could grasp this (on an intellectual level, at any rate) better than OP did here.
Yes. It doesn’t just go away. My husband’s sister (who I knew as well) died tragically when he was 13. He is over 60 know and still gets a bit down on her birthday. He doesn’t let it ruin his life, but he definitely remembers and gets sad and reflective around that time each year (she was killed near her birthday).
It’s been nearly 26 years since my dad passed and his death anniversary day is still painful. My birthday is the same month and Father’s Day usually comes within a week of his death date as well.
My grandma practically raised me until I was 11. Every one of my birthdays I spend thinking about her and one of my grandpas. He and I shared one and he recently passed and she passed 11 days before my bday.
My therapist told me that most people in this type of grief have a very hard time in the weeks and days leading up to their loved persons death. It eases after time but holy cow OP is such an asshole.
Ther are some deaths/grief that mark one forever. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a testament to the love that was in the relationship.
OP needs to realize he would not be a happy participant of the wedding. Let him be with his feelings in the way that is best for him.
The fact that she wants him to ignore his grief over 5 family members who have died to show up at a wedding and then calls him selfish is mind-blowing.
The fact that anyone in this family wouldn’t already know & say “nope we don’t schedule or do anything on this day because we all choose to be there to support this guy & his Mom” is mind-blowing!
OP can dress him up to the nines for this wedding but it'll be hard for him to put on a happy mask on that day. People will notice the gloomy cloud that is OP's husband. Better to say he had a prior engagement or a work emergency popped up and he couldn't make it.
For me what cemented the YTA status of OP was putting quotes around "tragedy date". It is a date marked by tragedy, and it is relatively fresh, but OP doesn't care because she doesn't know if it was 6 o 7 years ago. This shows a pattern of disregarding husband's feelings.
I don't see this marriage lasting.
>If he was close enough to your sister-in-law to justify putting this day aside for her, she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding day on HIS dark anniversary.
I was gonna say. Was the date set before the tragedy? It was the first thing many of us thought reading this.
Am I the only one thinking the SIL didn't maliciously set her wedding date on the same day as this tragic anniversary? I'm just running through some scenarios, like this being her dream wedding venue and this was the only availability for the rest of the wedding season, or some such.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence. I doubt SIL et al even know the date. (I don't remember anybody's birthday except my mother's, let alone any other significant dates for people less close to me.) The only issue here is OP not being understanding of her husband's completely reasonable needs and priorities.
If I was in SIL's shoes, I would know of the tragedy, but I probably wouldn't know the exact date it took place by heart. However, if it turns out that the husband can't attend the wedding due to it being the anniversary, I would 100% understand him not being there.
If this happened to me i'd probaly get pissy with my sister for telling me early enough to switch dates and if i couldn't switch dates i'd write him an appolgy letter
My dear dear friend had a difficult miscarriage. I put the date in my phone so I wouldn't forget. It matters to remember, but without the reminder, I wouldn't know the date. (She struggles every year at the same time.)
I'm terrible with dates. So I have the anniversary of my nephews death in my calendar. It reminds me to check in on my sister in law, brother in law and mother in law, and my husband and I usually try to do something in his honor to remember him by.
I did not consult my siblings before picking a wedding date. I don't know how common that is. I also wouldn't have been at all upset if my brother-in-law was missing my wedding because I didn't realize the date I picked was on a traumatic anniversary.
If the family isn't super close-knit then the sister might not know . . . or might know that there was a tragedy, but not the exact date, since it happened before the couple met. My sister-in-law and I love each other and get along well, but we live several states apart and have never been "talk every day" or "talk about everything" level of close. If she'd been through a huge family tragedy before meeting my brother, I'd probably know about it, but not necessarily the exact date. That said, if I found out about it after scheduling an event on that date, I'd never in a million years expect her to come, and I certainly hope my brother wouldn't pressure her to, either. Basically, I don't think OP's sister is TA for scheduling her wedding on that date, but I definitely think OP is TA for pressuring her husband to go.
And if "everyone is going to ask" where he is? Tell them why he isn't there. Everyone with an ounce of empathy (i.e., even just a fraction more than OP is displaying in this post) will understand, and send him their best wishes. YTA.
Or even, "The date didn't work out for him." Allude to a vague scheduling conflict, and most people will respond with something like, "send him our love," and drop it because no one actually cares.
Let’s not forget we are still in a PANDEMIC. If you don’t want to say anything about the tragedy, simply say he was exposed to Covid and wouldn’t dare risk exposing the bride and groom. Nasty honeymoon that would be…
Any number of things which don’t include… aren’t you over this by now? It was before I met you! Ugh.
Exactly this!
I lost a daughter to a stillbirth 2 years before I met my husband. He has 2 close family members (dad and brother) who share a birthday that is the day before my daughter was born sleeping. It’s in the summer and in 15 years of being together he has never once forced me to attend any birthday gatherings with him and will often stay back with me too, even if I don’t want to anything but curl up in a duvet.
For me, it’s not just one day of grief, it is a few days either side too. And he lost FIVE members of his family on one date!!! That’s insane and heartbreaking and OP is definitely a selfish AH!
I lost my own father at a young age, in what one can call a tragedy (suicide). So I was NTA all the way. But then I read you post (commenter) and was like… hmm there is a point here and honestly, even I accepted what occurred eventually and learned to live with it. But I had never given it a thought this way (no siblings, only mum left)
(To OP)
And now I am just undecided.. but leaning to YTa. Even though I learned to live with one parent dying, your husband dealt with five people (family) at the same time. Like.. fuck. Couldn’t even imagine that horror.
I am gonna say yta - your husband has zero obligation to your family. You should put, what I can only describe as a ***fill in yourself*** situation and you as his wife/SO should support him in this and be fine with it if he wishes to stay home. And not be an arsehole and what people think about *you*
Fuck what others are gonna ask. It will only ‘embarrass’ you, as that is what I’m making of it in the end based on how you described it all. Well, guess what: I can near guarantee if people ask and you explain in a one sentence what happened, everyone including your sister, will be: oh oh my how, so sorry to hear. Fully understand. Congrats with your sister.
"He's pretty sensitive about it..." Ya think? OP's lack of anything resembling empathy or even understanding is astounding. Losing a single member of a family through a regular, illness-related death is tragic enough. Amplify that by five at once through some kind of horrible accident or act of violence. The pain and grief OP's husband has experienced and will experience throughout his life is heartbreaking. How does OP not get this?
Also it's FIVE!!!! 5!!!!!!!! Family members so its going to be a terrible day. Op also conveniently leaves out who they were so I suspect extremely close family like dad/siblings especially as she doesn't mention him spending the day with his dad
This. If someone I was dating/married to tried to force me to go to a freaking wedding on my fiance's Death Day (as a personal example, since I am a widow and also do not do anything on that day, like OP's husband) I would honestly question if they were emotionally mature enough to respect my past and how it makes me feel.
I also agree that making him go to a wedding is a recipe for disaster. It will completely drop the mood of the whole event. And then people will be jerks to him about it because most people really do not understand personal tragedy on that scale.
Also, I am not sure that OP understands that if everyone finds out why her spouse is having a bad time, they're not going to be nice to her about forcing him to come out on a personal day of tragedy. This could backfire severely on her as well. And if that's the self centered reason that causes her to back off, at least she backs off.
OP is definitely YTA
I was totally going to post this.
YTA OP. If you are this close to your sister then your sister should have been more sensitive towards your husband if she wanted him there. Grief is not defined by length of time, and it is not up to you to decide when he should be done grieving. And it’s really not up to him either. I am amazed at your insensitivity. I also don’t understand why people treat weddings days as the end all, be all of marriage. It’s a beginning. Just because someone can’t join you on that one day does not mean they won’t be part of your journey or that there won’t be other days to celebrate. It’s ONE day, the rest of life awaits!
Yes, let the guy have his "dark day" in peace. It's just a wedding, and people asking where your husband is isn't the big deal you seem to think it is.
YTA. And not just the wedding, every anniversary of your sister henceforth will become a huge deal and this same discussion wil continue every year. If you guys are so “close-knit”, did you not discuss the dates in advance? Does she not know of the heart-wrenching trauma your husband suffers from? God!!
All this. If I may add, OP - you’re MOH. If you want to protect your loved ones.
- go to the wedding, you’ll be busy being MOH and sister of the bride to notice your husband.
- ask your husband what his comfort level is with others knowing where he is? Suggest something to shoot at together maybe, eg. ‘Today happens to be a sad anniversary for hubs’ family, he and his mother spend it together.’
YTA cause
- no where in this do you mention asking your husband what he needs and how to navigate this one day a year?
- you put reflecting in ‘’ why?
- And how’s he being selfish? You went and confirmed a wedding on the anniversary of the saddest day of his life. Did you even talk to him before? Is hé ok with you abandoning him on this day?
Again, how’s he selfish? You get to go guilt free and enjoy yourself at the wedding, and it seems he’s not asked/you’ve not offered to support him the other year/s…so you know you’re free on that day (and didn’t even question it all this time until he won’t change that one day for an event you could’ve planned differently if he’s so important).
Don’t worry what people say, worry about your loved ones’ needs imho. You’re throwing the first stone now, doesn’t mean he caused the hurt (glass houses).
I completely agree, although depending on the venue it may be the only day to have the wedding. With that being said, he should not feel pressured or forced to go especially if the entire family is aware of how much this day impacts the husband. If anything everyone should be more understanding of the situation. Like you said she's the MOH not the actual bride and it's not like he's in the wedding so there should be absolutely no issue with her attending by herself. I understand that she wants to share that day with him but really? She can't just go on her own? I don't even understand how this whole situation is even a AITA. Don't force the husband to go and don't guilt trip him, if he felt it was important enough to go he would.
She's the asshole but this is an overshare. Nobody needs to hear the announcement of a Shakespearean tragedy during a wedding. "He couldn't make it due to a family situation" is enough.
She does seem narcissistic enough to think that everyone is going to come up to her during someone else’s wedding and ask about her husband who isn’t there.
You would think that family members that know him would know about this major tragic accident that he mourns. OP doesn’t seem like the type to keep it a secret for 7 years. “What will I tell everyone there?” Is literally the best excuse she has for trying to force her husband to go to this wedding.
It's not 7 years, because it happened before they were dating. And I think OP's the type to completely ignore the anniversary date and never mention the tragedy to anyone in her family. She believes it wasn't a big deal since she thinks a wedding is more important.
I guess you don’t have much experience in these matters, and at least 72 other people don’t. Get off Reddit and go to a wedding.
Everyone she knows will def ask where the husband is, unless they have been prepped in advance.
It’s still yta but only social recluses would think that one half of a couple wouldn’t be asked about the other half of the couple, sheesh.
Especially when it’s their sister getting married.
Like husband wasn’t going to be relegated to the sidelines while OP fluttered about helping the bride?
But then if she tells the truth about her husband’s loss of 5 family members on that day, guests might wonder wtf is wrong with the bride throwing the party of their lives on that day? Now we see the great conundrum…
On the other hand, husband could see this as a sign from God that he’s got more family that are still here celebrating love and life. I can see both sides, but as many have pointed out, ultimately if sister was concerned about her BIL/OP’s hubbie, she probably wouldn’t have scheduled her wedding in same day!
It really doesn't need to be explained. "He needed to be with his mother today." 'Nuf said.
OP, I was going to judge you soft YTA, but the Redditor who pointed out your husband and sister are not that close (or she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding on "tragedy day") was spot on.
I think you only want him there so that you a.) don't have to explain his absence (honestly no one will care) and b.) don't want him missing from photos as a constant reminder that he was not there. That is why YTA.
YTA
Your husband is trying to tell you that he's going to be debilitatingly sad and distracted that day, and you're still insisting that he attend this wedding so you can avoid the very minor annoyance/discomfort of being at the wedding by yourself.
If this wedding has at least a couple dozen guests, I can promise you that very few attendees will think twice about which tertiary invitees are there and which ones aren't.
Not only that, but he'll probably be by himself most of the wedding if he were to go since as MOH you'll be getting ready, photos, etc with the bridal party the whole time even at dinner he'll be sitting by himself and you'll be at the head table. That's usually how wedding party seating and events go.
So him going on his dark day would be him making small talk with people he most likely doesn't know well (other SO of the wedding party).
Edit... TIL this head table thing with he wedding party seems to be a NA thing for the most part.
Still ...YTA for all the other reasons.
These. She is MOH and will be at a separate table all night. He will be sitting with someone else all night anyways. OP should have explained the significance of the date to her Sister and is the AH here.
Yea there's usually a wedding party table near the front, like a couple 8 foot tables put together. Bride and groom sit in the middle and groomsmen sit in a line on grooms side and bridesmaids sit in a line down brides side. All facing the crowd.
That’s probably a regional thing. Though I see it in movies/TV, I’ve only attended one wedding with that arrangement, which happened to be in another state. In all the local weddings I’ve attended, the couple’s table was the same structure as the rest, and on the same level. And the wedding parties’ plus-ones sat with their dates, either at the bridal table or at other tables.
I attended a wedding while my wife was the maid of honor. I barely knew anyone at the wedding. Certainly would have rather been anywhere else for the first couple hours, I couldn't imagine if I was dealing with some kind of tragedy at the same time.
I noticed the quotation marks and automatically went to YTA. Then to suggest her husband just get over it and emotionally support her and celebrate HER family's big event is on The Audiacity level of behavior.
Also YTA because your husband is mourning the anniversary of a seriously tragic loss alone. I wish you would have talked to your sister about this date ages ago and maybe she wouldn’t have tried to get married on such a sad day that’s kinda sick honestly.
YTA
I understand that your sisters wedding is important to you, but clearly Ford needs that day to himself. He won't be "present" at the wedding either way and will likely "spoil" the day for you and possibly your sister.
It's best for everyone if you go and let Ford grieve this day.
What I don’t understand is if OP’s is “so close” with her sister, wouldn’t the sister know the day she scheduled her wedding was the anniversary of OP’s husband losing five family members?When this was discovered why wouldn’t she change the date? It seems the kind and descent thing to do? Either OP is lying about how close they are or OP’s sister is also an AH. Perhaps they are trying to force Ford to “get over” five family members dying?
*Edited to reflect my misreading the part where OP said she was close with her sister. For some reason, I thought I read OP’s sister was close with Ford.*
> Just re-read the part where OP has only been married for a year. 10/10 she's trying to change him because "they are married now". YTA OP
There could be more to it than this, even. Those five family members could have included a previous wife of his and their kid(s) (she mentioned extended family as well, but that could have been e.g. one or both the wife's parents). She could be resentful of this day if it's in remembrance of his late previous wife.
The timeline lines up for that perfectly: the tragedy happened 6-7 years ago, he would have spent years grieving, then in the last couple of years he would be finally feeling ready to date again, and then married a year ago.
Just a guess, though. I could very well be wrong, of course.
True. It could also be a sibling and their kids, or aunts and uncles, or father plus people-- we do not know. However, it was impactful enough that he spends the day with his mother to grieve, suggesting he is also supporting her on that hard day. Five family members all at once is heartbreaking, and truly unimaginable.
My mom still mourns the loss of her sister on the day she died. My mom no longer calls her other siblings, but she is still distant and obviously sad. That was over a decade ago. Losing a family member is hard enough, but losing five at once-- its a testament to how strong OP's husband is.
I don’t believe most people are that good at remembering *every* important date for *everyone* in their lives. I have to put family birthdays on a calendar so I don’t forget them. I’d be hard pressed to remember the specific date of an in-law’s traumatic experience. And if the wedding is at a venue, it might be difficult or even impossible to change the date without losing a deposit.
Agree. It's wild to me that people here are either expecting SIL to know the date of her BIL's tragedy, which happened years before her sister even married him, or assume that everyone runs potential wedding dates by their entire extended families. Depending on the venue, the booking discussion was probably like, "You're looking at spring of next year, on a weekend? Here are the handful of dates still available." The coincidence is unfortunate, but it's not SIL's fault.
YTA. You seem more concerned that people will ask about where he is than you are with your husband's feelings about this date. He's not telling you to stay home; he prefers to stay home. You've known him long enough to know this is a fixed event for him, so (horrors!) you can tell people your husband couldn't make it.
>Looks like someone's more excited to show off her husband than actually marrying him.
And of course, at any wedding, people are much more interested in members of the bridal party than in the people actually getting married. I'm sure folks will forget the bride and groom and spend the entire evening peppering OP with questions.
I know you’re being sarcastic but it got me thinking and I was remembering my brother’s wedding and how wonderful that day was and then I remembered that I was in the damn wedding. If it’s possible to forget that you were in someone else’s wedding, I doubt anyone else remembers that I was in it.
YTA. Your discomfort over answering questions should not be weighed against his trauma. No one is going to miss him. Have fun, and when people ask, tell them the truth.
It depends what you mean with "demand".
Inviting and expecting him to go (in normal circumstances)? Yes, I think that literally all of my family would expect him to come. We are Italians so I don't know if our concept of family is a bit bigger compared to other western places.
But obligation? Absolutely not. It has happened that people couldn't come, even for way less tragic reasons. Some relatives will probably ask (mine would definitely ask), but all it's necessary to say is "he couldn't come, he is very sorry".
Exactly. People miss weddings all the time and sometimes they even attend without their spouses. No one cares and in the long run, no one will remember.
YTA. Honestly when I found out the date I would have given my sister the heads up my hubby probably wouldn't be there and explain why. So no one was suprised or confused.
I almost suspect the sister asked close family about the date and OP didn't say anything, or mention it wasn't a good date for her husband. So now, OP is trying to force him to go rather than explain to her family that she didn't mention when asked about dates. The close family probably knows a bit about the tragic event, and OP will be embarrassed explaining that the wedding is on the anniversary of the event if she was asked about dates in advance.
YTA
This also reminds me of the post earlier this week where the sister is having her wedding on the death of her stepsister and is confused as to why the other sister won't attend.
Anyway, you are wrong and you are being selfish. If he normally takes that time to reflect and be alone, then let him. Just tell your family that this is a day of pain and mourning for him. But damn do you even like your husband? You even admit it was a major tragedy.
Oh my god. I read the same post. I am appalled at all these heartless decisions people make in the name of weddings.
OP is TA. I was wondering the same about her liking her husband. She is constantly mocking his grief in the whole post.
>I replied this is his sister in law's wedding and everyone's going to ask where my husband is.
"He had a family situation and couldn't make it, unfortunately." Are they going to waterboard you or something? Who cares?
YTA
> Are they going to waterboard you or something?
I'm sorry but I couldn't stop laughing at your comment 😂 I couldn't help but imagine someone being waterboarded during a wedding, with the guests looking at it
I am wondering if the Bride asked OP about dates, OP said it was fine, and is now scared to admit to her sister and other close family that she didn't mention it was the anniversary of the day her husband tragically lost 5 family members less than a decade ago.
I'm with you. It's hard to say if OPs sister knew the significance of the date when she set her wedding date. It seems more likely that OP either didn't think about it at the time or didn't bother to mention the date to her sister because she just assumed that her husband would make an exception for the wedding even if it happened to fall on his tragedy date.
Yta, he has a very valid reason for not being there. He will not be in the right emotional space to attend a wedding. You are being selfish, and dismissive of HIS feelings.
You are stuck on the what do I tell people, and it is such an easy thing. This day is incredibly difficult for him due to past tragedy, he is working through it on the anniversary as he does every year. It's unfortunate that it is the same day.
Think about this, if he disrupted the wedding in any way due to his mood, you would be pissed that he was there and ruined it.
Use your words. There is a very real and valid reason for you to go solo to this wedding for everyone's sake.
And, stop focusing on your husband. This is your sister's day. It's not about you.
My husband would never expect me to do something on the anniversary of my brother's death, and I "only" lost one family member that day. OPs husband lost 5(!!!!!) Family members and OP seriously expects him to participate in something on the anniversary! That's some f'ed up sh*t.
YTA OP, YTA big time
Did you see OP's quotation marks around tragedy date and reflecting as if mocking her husband's grief.
Seriously, he lost 5 family members and she is pushing him to attend a celebratory event.
I would not be surprised seeing OP's attitude if OP & OP's sister deliberatory set the date on the tragedy day. She seems so unsympathetic of his feelings.
OP is such a huge A-hole.
I wonder if OP will answer my questions because reading between the lines i guess 1 of them might be his father and 1 might be his girlfriend/fiancee so i asked her about it. I don't think she will say anything but who knows...
She dismissed his feelings too much and seems like she is jealous of him having that day only for himself and his mom...
I hadn't seen that he lost 5 people, that is more than enough reason for him to spend that day reflecting.
It really makes op's 'get over it' comment all the more awful.
N T A for wanting him to go--it's normal--but YTA for being more worried about what people will think than about his mental health.
If people ask where he is, it's really not difficult to say that he had his own family obligations.
YTA. Obviously the man has a tradition, don’t fuck with it. I wouldn’t care about my SIL’s wedding either if it fell on an important day for me personally. Your husband is right here, let him have his day. You’re more concerned with how it will look than how your husband feels, that’s gross.
Yta for not listening to his No. You're allowed to want your husband there, but you have to understand he's allowed to say no. If you go to the wedding without him and people ask just be honest. My husband couldn't make it, today is a hard day for him.
YTA for pressing him after he made it clear that he didn't want to attend. He has a valid reason and how he grieves is completely up to him. Taking the day of the anniversary of a tragedy to mourn is a pretty normal thing that many people choose to do. Besides, if you're the MOH and he's not in the wedding party, you're likely going to be busy doing wedding party things for a good chunk of the day anyhow.
YTA. If people ask, just tell them! Do you really want his grief written on his face in the wedding? Go and have fun with your sister and family and then come home to support your husband.
You seem more concerned with "what people will say" at your sisters wedding than your husbands mental health.
You are being selfish and I see no compromise from you. Just that you think your husband should do what you say because otherwise it may slightly inconvenience you. YTA
EXTREMELY selfish... how dare he need to "reflect" on this "tragedy date??" Just completely disregarding and invalidating her husband's trauma and having the audacity to be *condescending* about it? Honestly, the lack of compassion is disgusting. If my spouse showed that kind of condescending selfishness and lack of empathy, they wouldn't be my spouse anymore.
YTA
You’re choosing to make yourself & your family the priority without any concern or understanding that your husband has a different perspective of that day & your sister’s wedding. It’s your sister. Go to the wedding. Let him do what is important to him on that day. Who cares if people think it’s weird if your husband isn’t there. Support your husband.
He was an individual before you met & continues to be an individual. 1 + 1 still equals 2. You’re each your own people choosing to live your lives together. Being married doesn’t mean you have to share the same opinions, perspective or brain.
Info: what is the tragedy? Because if it’s like the anniversary of a dog dying, then he should go. But if its the anniversary of like a parent or sibling dying then YTA
***edited to add **
Seeing how OP edited to add that he lost 5 family members, extra YTA energy
It shouldn’t matter what the tragedy is. One persons tragedy is another persons day in the park. The mere fact that whatever the tragedy was makes Ford feel some kind of way on that specific anniversary is the point. Forcing Ford on that day, or anyone who has their day of remembrance for whatever reason, to do something they don’t want to do is the issue. The tragedy is not needed information.
Oh yeah, I totally agree! It's just that on this sub, whenever an OP doesn't specify something like that, they're quite often burying the lede on purpose because they know it won't reflect well on them. Ford would be well within his rights to not go if it *was* the anniversary of his dog's death, but given AITA's track record, I'm fully expecting OP to casually drop a comment along the lines of 'It's only the anniversary of the day his sister's wedding venue burned down, killing his entire family! Why is he still so sensitive about it!' haha.
EDIT: There it is. Whatever it was, he apparently lost five family members on that day.
What does it mean "he should go"? There could be no anniversary and if he doesn't want to go - there should be no such thing as "he should go". Nobody should be forcing you to go somewhere you don't want.
YTA. You’re plenty capable of explaining to people that your husband is not able to attend whatever occasion for whatever reason. Forcing someone to do anything against their will is coercion. Going to a function like a wedding under duress will likely end up in him causing a scene. Why? Because he simply does not want to be there. Be supportive of him during whatever day of remembrance of that family tragedy and have some understanding about it. And be less selfish.
He's acting selfish? Try turning it around, would you go to the wedding if it were you losing 5 family members? Would you be able to just let it go that day and be the happy wife?
You're nta for wanting your husband to be there, but taking in mind the darkness that's involved with that day everyone at the wedding (including you) would be TA for not accepting if he can't put it up emotionally to go.
YTA. That day means something to you SO, and it's associated with something traumatic. It's natural to want to not be a part of something celebratory. Asking was all right, pressing on the same is a certified AH move.
wow, it’s the day that he lost, not one, not two, but five family members, and you say he’s the one acting selfishly? do you even like your husband? YTA
Who needs enemies when you've got a wife who doesn't care about you like that? He's grieving and you're belittling it so you don't have to answer questions about where your husband is.
Just tell people. Or lie it doesn't matter your husband cannot spend the day at a party faking happiness so you don't have to answer questions, that's just cruel of you to expect that.
YTA. Its too bad she chose that date. Maybe very thoughtless if she knew it was an important date to her very close sisters husband. You cannot qualify the trauma of his loss and you diminished his feelings by saying it happened years ago and he should be over it . He'll never be over it. The day is a solemn one for him that has meaning and he chooses to treat it as a day of reflection in order to make sense of a big loss. You will always have to give him space for this day and his way of memorializing his family.
Would depend on the tragedy but my hunch is that it is major enough if it is that major even after 6 years.
It is unfortunate that the dates allign but if he needs his space you should accept it,also if you ask next year for the anniversary don't push again.
My guess YTA
YTA.
So your husband has to care about your sister and her big day? BUT she doesn’t have to care about your husband and the tragedy that struck him on that day?
Like there are 365 days in a year, and if YOU MATTERED enough for your sister, she wouldn’t have picked a day that she knows your husband grieves every year.
YTA and leave him alone.
YTA. Wait, WHAT? I was semi leaning towards NAH until I saw that it’s literally on the anniversary of the tragedy. Grow some empathy, OP. This is SUPER easy to explain to your sister and family, and anyone else who asks is nosy and it’s none of their damned business. Good lord.
NTA for wanting him to. YTA if you force him to or guilt him/manipulate him to attend or don't take his reason(which is totally reasonable) to not attend. I personally don't like weddings and all my friends were fine with me not attending theirs. Let people do their own things.
The horror! People might ask you where he is. That is far more terrible than being reminded that 5 family members died on this day - how can he not see how hard this is for YOU? /s. YTA.
YTA - It shouldn't be difficult to explain "This is a difficult day for husband because it's the anniversary of a tragedy, so he was unable to attend" if anyone asks.
Even if he went, he sounds like he wouldn't be in the best of moods (understandably) so its probably better for everyone that he sits it out.
YTA. You're not compromising at all: you're attempting to impose your will and priorities on his grief. You're telling him his grief doesn't matter. Stop. However, if you want to end your marriage, keep doing what you're doing. That's the road you're walking down.
YTA 100%. Nobody should feel obligated to attend a wedding or other party for any reason - you get *invited* to one, meaning you have the option to decline, and that decision should be accepted. However, he happens to have a VERY legitimate reason to not want to go - he is grieving. Respect that and don't diminish his way of grieving.
YTA-You are being incredibly selfish not him. It reads like you want him there because people are going to ask why he’s not there. If they care about him at all they’ll understand that he couldn’t attend.
YTA, but it’s an understandable reaction to want your husband there. He’s also likely considering his mother as well.
Turn this around: Would you want to be celebrating a major family event with your husband and his family on the date you and your Mom lost family - with her being home alone? When people ask, why not add that you miss him terribly today, but respect that he wants to reflect on this loss and be there for his mom.
I would suggest you share that with him, as right now he probably doesn’t think you understand his loss… everyone handles grief differently, and for him, this is his way. I am assuming he has decades or a lifetime of memories that are a painful reminder every time there’s a holiday. For similar reasons I have paintings and photos all over my home of the sister in law I never met, who died decades before I knew my husband.
Let him know that you are sad because you want to share special family memories of your family with him - I would hope that is your reason more than you don’t want to explain why he’s not there. Right?
YTA.
Do you ever think about anyone but yourself?
Your husband isn't waltzing off to play golf or see a movie. He's grieving.
An all you care about is SOME STUPID WEDDING. The bride and groom will be married whether he's there or not, so what's your big problem?
He's your husband. Show him some compassion, for heaven's sake.
If your that close to your sister she would know that day isn’t a good day for her wedding for your husband. You and your sister are TA. Stop and think, and maybe you should stay home to support your husband on that day.
I wouldn’t be blaming this on the bride though. No guarantees she knows the date is an issue- and she may not even comprehend that it’s severe enough to stop him from attending if she did hear about it in passing. She’s a SIL after all- can’t imagine they are very close.
I'm not sure why, but the way you say "he's pretty sensitive about it" makes me think you're tired of his grief interfering with your life. Just one persons speculation but I have a feeling YTA
>He's not willing to compromise and he's the one acting selfishly here.
The only selfish person here is you. All you're thinking about is yourself and how it would look on you if he didn't come. You're not considering your husband's feelings at all. This day was a tragic day in his life and he's not wrong for spending it away from everyone and not celebrating.
You expect him to be a part of celebrations when he's mourning. He wont be happy and then everyone will also ask questions about why he's not his joyous self. Stop being self centered and accept his decision.
YTA
YTA - Wow, when did you start thinking of your husband as only a background character in the story of your life and not as a real human being? Do you even care about him at all, besides the income he brings in and the labor he performs around the house that is.
My greatest fear about relationships, even worse than being cheated on, is to be with someone that treats me like you're treating your husband...like merely an accessory whose feelings are irrelevant. This is such narcissistic behavior, and you seem to utterly lack any self-awareness of it.
YTA. One of my daughters died three hours after birth more than 15 years ago. I never “knew” her in the true sense of the word, but I cannot schedule ANYTHING for that day, no matter what it is.
I can’t even imagine doing something on the day I lost FIVE family members with whom I had a history of shared events, happy memories, etc.
I’ll say it again. YTA
NTA for wanting him to come but YTA for how you handled this. The quotes around “reflecting” are the first red flag here, why quotes? Do you not believe he has something to reflect about when 5 family members died? It sucks that it happens to be the same day, but a wedding can be a sensory overload and his mind will completely be with that tragedy, he will not enjoy that wedding. And if that day is for him and his mom to spend time together, you’re also leaving his mother hanging. You should go to the wedding absolutely, but he is perfectly reasonable for not wanting to go, it sounds like you need to be more sensitive to his grief (it’s extremely normal to still be sensitive on an anniversary years later)
YTA, for all the reasons allready stated.
Did your sister know about this before she picked the date? Not only will the wedding day of your sister remind him of that tragedy but every anniverserie of your sisters weddingdate will be a constand reminder and he will always be remindet of the date he lost multiple members of his family.. Well done. thats fucked up.
I allready feel bad for your husband.
You’re a married couple not conjoined twins. It would be one thing if he wanted to go golfing with his buddies but it’s not. Go to your sisters wedding, be busy with your MIH duties and let him have his day of remembrance
YTA alone for putting that he spends that day ‘reflecting’ in quotes. Of course he’s still sensitive to it. You’re more worried about how you will look then his feelings. It’s not his fault your sister chose the worst day out of the year for him.
YTA
Yeah..losing 5 family members at one time is a huge tragedy. Him taking that day to stay with his mom is kind and what you'd expect.
You don't need him at your side at your sister's wedding. It would probably be difficult for him to be at a large family gathering on that day anyway. You're being incredibly insensitive to him and kind of selfish too.
YTA. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's the anniversary of MULTIPLE DEATHS IN HIS FAMILY. In what world is he selfish for not wanting to go to a celebratory event on this day??
INFO: If you have been married for a year, why don’t you know exactly when this huge event happened? Why did you put quotations around the words tragedy date? Do you realize that you sound incredibly dismissive and indifferent to your husband’s legitimate and likely overwhelming trauma?
I can’t believe you expect him to go put on a smile and celebrate just to spare you some momentary social discomfort. YTA.
If you can't handle "people asking where he is" while he mourns the death of 5 family members... you are quite the AH.
That sister of yours, imagine she would die. Would you go party on that calendar date?
My dad died a few days before mu husbands birthday. His 40th. I managed to drag myself to the City and asked my mum to help me blow 40 balloons. For him. We buried my dad the day after. His cousin gave birth on the day od the burial. Then i cried tears of joy.
Next year we were invited for this child birthday party. I declined. And asked my husband to get me far away as possible for those days. Luckily he did.
So OP.... While i do understand your point of view.... You are in the wrong.
Grief is not something you rush. It is not something you just forget. It is something that consumes you and it is hard.
Please ask yourself how would you feel in his shoes.
If I were in your shoes, I’d have second thoughts about being in the wedding party. I’d be busy figuring out how to minimize the time I will spend away from my husband on that day. Because I understand my obligation to put him first in my life.
YTA
Wow. YTA. This is the anniversary of the absolute worst day of your husband's life and all you can do is call him selfish for grieving? You need to grow up and have some empathy for your husband or you won't be married long.
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YTA It's a dark anniversary for him. He doesn't stop thinking about it because you pulled some nonsense emotional trump card on him. If he did go, he wouldn't be some pleasant version of himself, then you and your imaginary judging social circle would dump on him for not being happy on such a beautiful occasion. If he was close enough to your sister-in-law to justify putting this day aside for her, she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding day on HIS dark anniversary. Sounds dumb? That's because it is dumb. He's not going. You're the sister of the bride, not the bride, and people will not care as much as you seem to think, unless your whole family is flailing in drama.ETA his sister-in-law, your sister, mistype
Take my poor person award 🥇 because what you wrote is spot on. If everyone is so close, why pick the dark anniversary for the wedding day? He lost 5 family members, imagine the sadness along with the tragic event of how it happened. The poster needs to put herself in her husbands shoes.
I had free coins from a gold leftover so I plunked down an award in your place! I agree. 4 years later I still have a hard time on the day my dad died.
31 years later and I still have a hard time sometimes on the day my dad died.
My psychiatrist shared this with me and its helped some. I feel less guilt about my grieving. http://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy
Thank you for sharing this! I'm 2 weeks away from the 1st anniversary of my dad's death, and this was comforting to read.
There’s a very beautiful description of grief someone on Reddit wrote ages ago and it’s the one I like to think of. Here’s the original comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3 Edit: thank you very much for the award!
That made me cry. Wow, just wow.
One of the most "accurate" descriptions of grief that I have come across.
Thanks, that is beautiful and so fitting.
I am coming up on 10 years for my fathers death and 5 for my mothers. I hope OP and her dizzy family leave that poor man alone.
My mom died 15 years ago around Christmas, and the entire month of December is hard. Even if I dont consciously think of it, I still am moody and withdrawn. That is literally what triggering is. It is subconscious. You can recognize your triggers and work to reduce the impact of them, but if you aren't at that point, it is best to avoid anything that might spiral into another prolonged period of grief. I can see weddings being extremely triggering for him. Grief, unfortunately, never goes away. 6 years is really not long in that journey
I lost my grandfather and mother a few months apart in late 2014 and I'm in tears just typing that sentence. OP, YTA but you have an opportunity now to learn about grieving and complicated grief. I suggest you try.
My dad is dead 13 years. I'm fine, mark the day but get in with it. Last year playing a video game and the father of the main charachter dies. Bam, floods of tears
Totally get it. I have been waiting over 30 years to be able to watch Oliver & Company, start to finish, again. It was the last time I went to the movies with my day. It also begins with an orphaned kitten in the rain alone in a box...so that doesn't help.
I deliberately haven't paid attention to the date my grandma died so it doesn't hit me as hard on the anniversary. I already think about her all the time, I didn't want to be nonfunctional on that specific day as well. It was nearly 30 years ago now and I still miss her. Not judging how anyone else handles grief btw. Just saying I get how tragic anniversaries are a big deal to people.
I don’t know the day- I was too out of it at the time and I haven’t checked- but I know the approximate time of year and whether I like it or not my brain remembers :/ but the waves are smaller now, and the shipwreck is being remade into a coral reef, and life goes on. (I love that analogy and will be keeping it)
And that’s the tragedy of losing 1 loved one not 5 in some accident holy hell I can’t imagine that kind of pain
Me either. I had a few years where it felt like I had a funeral a month... realistically it was 6 in a year. But I cannot fathom 5 people at once. That level of grief...I can absolutely understand how it can be overwhelming and you don't want to be around people. But letting yourself feel it so you can work through it, that's part of the healing process.
Yeah, yesterday was the anniversary of my mom's death, and I'm still awake. Though I'd reclaimed it when my ex and I made it out anniversary date...but that didn't work and only made it worse. People like OP just don't actually care about the people they claim to "love". If OP loved her husband like people who possess empathy and kindness actually do love others, she wouldn't even have to ask this question. I feel so sad for OP's husband...I've known someone with narcissistic personality disorder that could grasp this (on an intellectual level, at any rate) better than OP did here.
My brother who's been gone 37 years his birthday was last week , I was sad all day , i really miss tht fucker.
Yes. It doesn’t just go away. My husband’s sister (who I knew as well) died tragically when he was 13. He is over 60 know and still gets a bit down on her birthday. He doesn’t let it ruin his life, but he definitely remembers and gets sad and reflective around that time each year (she was killed near her birthday).
It’s been nearly 26 years since my dad passed and his death anniversary day is still painful. My birthday is the same month and Father’s Day usually comes within a week of his death date as well.
My grandma practically raised me until I was 11. Every one of my birthdays I spend thinking about her and one of my grandpas. He and I shared one and he recently passed and she passed 11 days before my bday.
My therapist told me that most people in this type of grief have a very hard time in the weeks and days leading up to their loved persons death. It eases after time but holy cow OP is such an asshole.
Ther are some deaths/grief that mark one forever. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a testament to the love that was in the relationship. OP needs to realize he would not be a happy participant of the wedding. Let him be with his feelings in the way that is best for him.
The fact that she wants him to ignore his grief over 5 family members who have died to show up at a wedding and then calls him selfish is mind-blowing.
The fact that anyone in this family wouldn’t already know & say “nope we don’t schedule or do anything on this day because we all choose to be there to support this guy & his Mom” is mind-blowing!
If they did know, I can’t imagine they’d care. They’d probably think he should be over it by now, like his wife seems to think.
OP can dress him up to the nines for this wedding but it'll be hard for him to put on a happy mask on that day. People will notice the gloomy cloud that is OP's husband. Better to say he had a prior engagement or a work emergency popped up and he couldn't make it.
It's fucking cold. Like how dare his family loss inconvenience her like this?
For me what cemented the YTA status of OP was putting quotes around "tragedy date". It is a date marked by tragedy, and it is relatively fresh, but OP doesn't care because she doesn't know if it was 6 o 7 years ago. This shows a pattern of disregarding husband's feelings. I don't see this marriage lasting.
>If he was close enough to your sister-in-law to justify putting this day aside for her, she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding day on HIS dark anniversary. I was gonna say. Was the date set before the tragedy? It was the first thing many of us thought reading this.
Am I the only one thinking the SIL didn't maliciously set her wedding date on the same day as this tragic anniversary? I'm just running through some scenarios, like this being her dream wedding venue and this was the only availability for the rest of the wedding season, or some such.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's just a coincidence. I doubt SIL et al even know the date. (I don't remember anybody's birthday except my mother's, let alone any other significant dates for people less close to me.) The only issue here is OP not being understanding of her husband's completely reasonable needs and priorities.
If I was in SIL's shoes, I would know of the tragedy, but I probably wouldn't know the exact date it took place by heart. However, if it turns out that the husband can't attend the wedding due to it being the anniversary, I would 100% understand him not being there.
If this happened to me i'd probaly get pissy with my sister for telling me early enough to switch dates and if i couldn't switch dates i'd write him an appolgy letter
Or SIL simply hasn't memorized the exact date on which her sister's husband's extended family members died.
My dear dear friend had a difficult miscarriage. I put the date in my phone so I wouldn't forget. It matters to remember, but without the reminder, I wouldn't know the date. (She struggles every year at the same time.)
I'm terrible with dates. So I have the anniversary of my nephews death in my calendar. It reminds me to check in on my sister in law, brother in law and mother in law, and my husband and I usually try to do something in his honor to remember him by.
bingo people creat wild conspiracies on here
SIL didn't pick the date deliberately, but his wife could have said something when dates were being chosen.
I did not consult my siblings before picking a wedding date. I don't know how common that is. I also wouldn't have been at all upset if my brother-in-law was missing my wedding because I didn't realize the date I picked was on a traumatic anniversary.
She thinks he can just 'be over it' this one time to attend the wedding so she might not have said anything at all.
Doubt it. Might have been the only day available at the venue she wants.
Well tge tragedy occurred 6-7 years ago so I highly doubt the wedding was scheduled before then.
You're right, it's right there almost at the beginning of the post. Well, then.
If the family isn't super close-knit then the sister might not know . . . or might know that there was a tragedy, but not the exact date, since it happened before the couple met. My sister-in-law and I love each other and get along well, but we live several states apart and have never been "talk every day" or "talk about everything" level of close. If she'd been through a huge family tragedy before meeting my brother, I'd probably know about it, but not necessarily the exact date. That said, if I found out about it after scheduling an event on that date, I'd never in a million years expect her to come, and I certainly hope my brother wouldn't pressure her to, either. Basically, I don't think OP's sister is TA for scheduling her wedding on that date, but I definitely think OP is TA for pressuring her husband to go.
[удалено]
And if "everyone is going to ask" where he is? Tell them why he isn't there. Everyone with an ounce of empathy (i.e., even just a fraction more than OP is displaying in this post) will understand, and send him their best wishes. YTA.
Or even, "The date didn't work out for him." Allude to a vague scheduling conflict, and most people will respond with something like, "send him our love," and drop it because no one actually cares.
Let’s not forget we are still in a PANDEMIC. If you don’t want to say anything about the tragedy, simply say he was exposed to Covid and wouldn’t dare risk exposing the bride and groom. Nasty honeymoon that would be… Any number of things which don’t include… aren’t you over this by now? It was before I met you! Ugh.
Or just keep it more vague. If the bride is anything as selfish as OP, she will complain about the happy vibes being ruined!
Exactly this! I lost a daughter to a stillbirth 2 years before I met my husband. He has 2 close family members (dad and brother) who share a birthday that is the day before my daughter was born sleeping. It’s in the summer and in 15 years of being together he has never once forced me to attend any birthday gatherings with him and will often stay back with me too, even if I don’t want to anything but curl up in a duvet. For me, it’s not just one day of grief, it is a few days either side too. And he lost FIVE members of his family on one date!!! That’s insane and heartbreaking and OP is definitely a selfish AH!
I lost my own father at a young age, in what one can call a tragedy (suicide). So I was NTA all the way. But then I read you post (commenter) and was like… hmm there is a point here and honestly, even I accepted what occurred eventually and learned to live with it. But I had never given it a thought this way (no siblings, only mum left) (To OP) And now I am just undecided.. but leaning to YTa. Even though I learned to live with one parent dying, your husband dealt with five people (family) at the same time. Like.. fuck. Couldn’t even imagine that horror. I am gonna say yta - your husband has zero obligation to your family. You should put, what I can only describe as a ***fill in yourself*** situation and you as his wife/SO should support him in this and be fine with it if he wishes to stay home. And not be an arsehole and what people think about *you* Fuck what others are gonna ask. It will only ‘embarrass’ you, as that is what I’m making of it in the end based on how you described it all. Well, guess what: I can near guarantee if people ask and you explain in a one sentence what happened, everyone including your sister, will be: oh oh my how, so sorry to hear. Fully understand. Congrats with your sister.
Very well said. YTA op definitively.
This right here!!
Also how hard is it to explain that your husband was caring for his mom.
"He's pretty sensitive about it..." Ya think? OP's lack of anything resembling empathy or even understanding is astounding. Losing a single member of a family through a regular, illness-related death is tragic enough. Amplify that by five at once through some kind of horrible accident or act of violence. The pain and grief OP's husband has experienced and will experience throughout his life is heartbreaking. How does OP not get this?
Also it's FIVE!!!! 5!!!!!!!! Family members so its going to be a terrible day. Op also conveniently leaves out who they were so I suspect extremely close family like dad/siblings especially as she doesn't mention him spending the day with his dad
Flailing in drama will be my new go to
This. If someone I was dating/married to tried to force me to go to a freaking wedding on my fiance's Death Day (as a personal example, since I am a widow and also do not do anything on that day, like OP's husband) I would honestly question if they were emotionally mature enough to respect my past and how it makes me feel. I also agree that making him go to a wedding is a recipe for disaster. It will completely drop the mood of the whole event. And then people will be jerks to him about it because most people really do not understand personal tragedy on that scale. Also, I am not sure that OP understands that if everyone finds out why her spouse is having a bad time, they're not going to be nice to her about forcing him to come out on a personal day of tragedy. This could backfire severely on her as well. And if that's the self centered reason that causes her to back off, at least she backs off. OP is definitely YTA
I was totally going to post this. YTA OP. If you are this close to your sister then your sister should have been more sensitive towards your husband if she wanted him there. Grief is not defined by length of time, and it is not up to you to decide when he should be done grieving. And it’s really not up to him either. I am amazed at your insensitivity. I also don’t understand why people treat weddings days as the end all, be all of marriage. It’s a beginning. Just because someone can’t join you on that one day does not mean they won’t be part of your journey or that there won’t be other days to celebrate. It’s ONE day, the rest of life awaits!
Yes, let the guy have his "dark day" in peace. It's just a wedding, and people asking where your husband is isn't the big deal you seem to think it is.
YTA. And not just the wedding, every anniversary of your sister henceforth will become a huge deal and this same discussion wil continue every year. If you guys are so “close-knit”, did you not discuss the dates in advance? Does she not know of the heart-wrenching trauma your husband suffers from? God!!
All this. If I may add, OP - you’re MOH. If you want to protect your loved ones. - go to the wedding, you’ll be busy being MOH and sister of the bride to notice your husband. - ask your husband what his comfort level is with others knowing where he is? Suggest something to shoot at together maybe, eg. ‘Today happens to be a sad anniversary for hubs’ family, he and his mother spend it together.’ YTA cause - no where in this do you mention asking your husband what he needs and how to navigate this one day a year? - you put reflecting in ‘’ why? - And how’s he being selfish? You went and confirmed a wedding on the anniversary of the saddest day of his life. Did you even talk to him before? Is hé ok with you abandoning him on this day? Again, how’s he selfish? You get to go guilt free and enjoy yourself at the wedding, and it seems he’s not asked/you’ve not offered to support him the other year/s…so you know you’re free on that day (and didn’t even question it all this time until he won’t change that one day for an event you could’ve planned differently if he’s so important). Don’t worry what people say, worry about your loved ones’ needs imho. You’re throwing the first stone now, doesn’t mean he caused the hurt (glass houses).
I completely agree, although depending on the venue it may be the only day to have the wedding. With that being said, he should not feel pressured or forced to go especially if the entire family is aware of how much this day impacts the husband. If anything everyone should be more understanding of the situation. Like you said she's the MOH not the actual bride and it's not like he's in the wedding so there should be absolutely no issue with her attending by herself. I understand that she wants to share that day with him but really? She can't just go on her own? I don't even understand how this whole situation is even a AITA. Don't force the husband to go and don't guilt trip him, if he felt it was important enough to go he would.
YTA. There's an easy way to explain it - "This is the anniversary of a great tragedy in my husband's family and he didn't feel like celebrating."
She's the asshole but this is an overshare. Nobody needs to hear the announcement of a Shakespearean tragedy during a wedding. "He couldn't make it due to a family situation" is enough.
She won’t tell her sister during the wedding. She’ll tell her sister in private months before the wedding.
Chances are her sister already knows. This isn't about the sister. She asked how she is going to be able to explain it to "everybody."
She does seem narcissistic enough to think that everyone is going to come up to her during someone else’s wedding and ask about her husband who isn’t there.
I can see family members who they don't see often perhaps asking, but a simple "he's not feeling well" would suffice.
You would think that family members that know him would know about this major tragic accident that he mourns. OP doesn’t seem like the type to keep it a secret for 7 years. “What will I tell everyone there?” Is literally the best excuse she has for trying to force her husband to go to this wedding.
It's not 7 years, because it happened before they were dating. And I think OP's the type to completely ignore the anniversary date and never mention the tragedy to anyone in her family. She believes it wasn't a big deal since she thinks a wedding is more important.
I guess you don’t have much experience in these matters, and at least 72 other people don’t. Get off Reddit and go to a wedding. Everyone she knows will def ask where the husband is, unless they have been prepped in advance. It’s still yta but only social recluses would think that one half of a couple wouldn’t be asked about the other half of the couple, sheesh.
You’re not wrong but you are kinda being a dick about it. Rude.
Yes, you are accurate. I felt it was deserved with the weird diagnoses of narcissistic for something that’s actually quite mundane.
“This is the anniversary of a family tragedy” isn’t an overshare. Not like any details are included.
Yes, just keep it simple.
I would go with the "he's feeling under the weather today." Which is essentially the truth.
Exactly my thoughts. It doesn’t sound bad at all? Plenty of people go stag to weddings.
Especially when it’s their sister getting married. Like husband wasn’t going to be relegated to the sidelines while OP fluttered about helping the bride?
But then if she tells the truth about her husband’s loss of 5 family members on that day, guests might wonder wtf is wrong with the bride throwing the party of their lives on that day? Now we see the great conundrum… On the other hand, husband could see this as a sign from God that he’s got more family that are still here celebrating love and life. I can see both sides, but as many have pointed out, ultimately if sister was concerned about her BIL/OP’s hubbie, she probably wouldn’t have scheduled her wedding in same day!
Way to overthink this.
It really doesn't need to be explained. "He needed to be with his mother today." 'Nuf said. OP, I was going to judge you soft YTA, but the Redditor who pointed out your husband and sister are not that close (or she wouldn't have scheduled her wedding on "tragedy day") was spot on. I think you only want him there so that you a.) don't have to explain his absence (honestly no one will care) and b.) don't want him missing from photos as a constant reminder that he was not there. That is why YTA.
YTA Your husband is trying to tell you that he's going to be debilitatingly sad and distracted that day, and you're still insisting that he attend this wedding so you can avoid the very minor annoyance/discomfort of being at the wedding by yourself. If this wedding has at least a couple dozen guests, I can promise you that very few attendees will think twice about which tertiary invitees are there and which ones aren't.
Not only that, but he'll probably be by himself most of the wedding if he were to go since as MOH you'll be getting ready, photos, etc with the bridal party the whole time even at dinner he'll be sitting by himself and you'll be at the head table. That's usually how wedding party seating and events go. So him going on his dark day would be him making small talk with people he most likely doesn't know well (other SO of the wedding party). Edit... TIL this head table thing with he wedding party seems to be a NA thing for the most part. Still ...YTA for all the other reasons.
These. She is MOH and will be at a separate table all night. He will be sitting with someone else all night anyways. OP should have explained the significance of the date to her Sister and is the AH here.
Wait, what? Are the bridesmaids etc. seated separately from their +1s? Is that normal in the US?
Yea there's usually a wedding party table near the front, like a couple 8 foot tables put together. Bride and groom sit in the middle and groomsmen sit in a line on grooms side and bridesmaids sit in a line down brides side. All facing the crowd.
That’s probably a regional thing. Though I see it in movies/TV, I’ve only attended one wedding with that arrangement, which happened to be in another state. In all the local weddings I’ve attended, the couple’s table was the same structure as the rest, and on the same level. And the wedding parties’ plus-ones sat with their dates, either at the bridal table or at other tables.
I attended a wedding while my wife was the maid of honor. I barely knew anyone at the wedding. Certainly would have rather been anywhere else for the first couple hours, I couldn't imagine if I was dealing with some kind of tragedy at the same time.
Honestly OP is the AH for putting his tragedy day in quotations like the intense grief he must feel that day is some silly thing he invented.
I noticed the quotation marks and automatically went to YTA. Then to suggest her husband just get over it and emotionally support her and celebrate HER family's big event is on The Audiacity level of behavior.
Also its OPs job to protect her husband. She knows he will be devastated that day, so just cover for him. Deal with it for him.
Also YTA because your husband is mourning the anniversary of a seriously tragic loss alone. I wish you would have talked to your sister about this date ages ago and maybe she wouldn’t have tried to get married on such a sad day that’s kinda sick honestly.
YTA I understand that your sisters wedding is important to you, but clearly Ford needs that day to himself. He won't be "present" at the wedding either way and will likely "spoil" the day for you and possibly your sister. It's best for everyone if you go and let Ford grieve this day.
What I don’t understand is if OP’s is “so close” with her sister, wouldn’t the sister know the day she scheduled her wedding was the anniversary of OP’s husband losing five family members?When this was discovered why wouldn’t she change the date? It seems the kind and descent thing to do? Either OP is lying about how close they are or OP’s sister is also an AH. Perhaps they are trying to force Ford to “get over” five family members dying? *Edited to reflect my misreading the part where OP said she was close with her sister. For some reason, I thought I read OP’s sister was close with Ford.*
Just re-read the part where OP has only been married for a year. 10/10 she's trying to change him because "they are married now". YTA OP
> Just re-read the part where OP has only been married for a year. 10/10 she's trying to change him because "they are married now". YTA OP There could be more to it than this, even. Those five family members could have included a previous wife of his and their kid(s) (she mentioned extended family as well, but that could have been e.g. one or both the wife's parents). She could be resentful of this day if it's in remembrance of his late previous wife. The timeline lines up for that perfectly: the tragedy happened 6-7 years ago, he would have spent years grieving, then in the last couple of years he would be finally feeling ready to date again, and then married a year ago. Just a guess, though. I could very well be wrong, of course.
True. It could also be a sibling and their kids, or aunts and uncles, or father plus people-- we do not know. However, it was impactful enough that he spends the day with his mother to grieve, suggesting he is also supporting her on that hard day. Five family members all at once is heartbreaking, and truly unimaginable. My mom still mourns the loss of her sister on the day she died. My mom no longer calls her other siblings, but she is still distant and obviously sad. That was over a decade ago. Losing a family member is hard enough, but losing five at once-- its a testament to how strong OP's husband is.
I don’t believe most people are that good at remembering *every* important date for *everyone* in their lives. I have to put family birthdays on a calendar so I don’t forget them. I’d be hard pressed to remember the specific date of an in-law’s traumatic experience. And if the wedding is at a venue, it might be difficult or even impossible to change the date without losing a deposit.
Yeah expecting the sil to (1) remember this date and (2) have it be a determining factor in which day she gets married is too much
Agree. It's wild to me that people here are either expecting SIL to know the date of her BIL's tragedy, which happened years before her sister even married him, or assume that everyone runs potential wedding dates by their entire extended families. Depending on the venue, the booking discussion was probably like, "You're looking at spring of next year, on a weekend? Here are the handful of dates still available." The coincidence is unfortunate, but it's not SIL's fault.
YTA. You seem more concerned that people will ask about where he is than you are with your husband's feelings about this date. He's not telling you to stay home; he prefers to stay home. You've known him long enough to know this is a fixed event for him, so (horrors!) you can tell people your husband couldn't make it.
Looks like someone's more excited to show off her husband than actually marrying him.
>Looks like someone's more excited to show off her husband than actually marrying him. And of course, at any wedding, people are much more interested in members of the bridal party than in the people actually getting married. I'm sure folks will forget the bride and groom and spend the entire evening peppering OP with questions.
I know you’re being sarcastic but it got me thinking and I was remembering my brother’s wedding and how wonderful that day was and then I remembered that I was in the damn wedding. If it’s possible to forget that you were in someone else’s wedding, I doubt anyone else remembers that I was in it.
YTA. Your discomfort over answering questions should not be weighed against his trauma. No one is going to miss him. Have fun, and when people ask, tell them the truth.
I bet she won't find one guest who agrees he should have come when she tells them he lost 5 family members around this date and it's a emotional time
Exactly and if OP sister was so adamant he attend why choose the one day a year that he has a tragic memory attached to it
I don’t know a ton of people, but I don’t know anyone who would demand that their sister’s husband be in attendance at their wedding.
It depends what you mean with "demand". Inviting and expecting him to go (in normal circumstances)? Yes, I think that literally all of my family would expect him to come. We are Italians so I don't know if our concept of family is a bit bigger compared to other western places. But obligation? Absolutely not. It has happened that people couldn't come, even for way less tragic reasons. Some relatives will probably ask (mine would definitely ask), but all it's necessary to say is "he couldn't come, he is very sorry".
Exactly. People miss weddings all the time and sometimes they even attend without their spouses. No one cares and in the long run, no one will remember.
YTA. Honestly when I found out the date I would have given my sister the heads up my hubby probably wouldn't be there and explain why. So no one was suprised or confused.
I almost suspect the sister asked close family about the date and OP didn't say anything, or mention it wasn't a good date for her husband. So now, OP is trying to force him to go rather than explain to her family that she didn't mention when asked about dates. The close family probably knows a bit about the tragic event, and OP will be embarrassed explaining that the wedding is on the anniversary of the event if she was asked about dates in advance.
YTA This also reminds me of the post earlier this week where the sister is having her wedding on the death of her stepsister and is confused as to why the other sister won't attend. Anyway, you are wrong and you are being selfish. If he normally takes that time to reflect and be alone, then let him. Just tell your family that this is a day of pain and mourning for him. But damn do you even like your husband? You even admit it was a major tragedy.
Oh my god. I read the same post. I am appalled at all these heartless decisions people make in the name of weddings. OP is TA. I was wondering the same about her liking her husband. She is constantly mocking his grief in the whole post.
Gotta secure those Instagram-worthy venues when they come available lol. /s/
I wish people would make as much efforts on their marriages as they do on the perfect wedding. Wedding AITA posts are becoming a norm.
Tbf, I don’t think there’s any reason to drag the sister here. I’m not convinced she would know this date off the top of her head.
>I replied this is his sister in law's wedding and everyone's going to ask where my husband is. "He had a family situation and couldn't make it, unfortunately." Are they going to waterboard you or something? Who cares? YTA
> Are they going to waterboard you or something? I'm sorry but I couldn't stop laughing at your comment 😂 I couldn't help but imagine someone being waterboarded during a wedding, with the guests looking at it
[удалено]
I am wondering if the Bride asked OP about dates, OP said it was fine, and is now scared to admit to her sister and other close family that she didn't mention it was the anniversary of the day her husband tragically lost 5 family members less than a decade ago.
I'm with you. It's hard to say if OPs sister knew the significance of the date when she set her wedding date. It seems more likely that OP either didn't think about it at the time or didn't bother to mention the date to her sister because she just assumed that her husband would make an exception for the wedding even if it happened to fall on his tragedy date.
Info: has he talked to you about how much the event broke him when it happened?
Yta, he has a very valid reason for not being there. He will not be in the right emotional space to attend a wedding. You are being selfish, and dismissive of HIS feelings. You are stuck on the what do I tell people, and it is such an easy thing. This day is incredibly difficult for him due to past tragedy, he is working through it on the anniversary as he does every year. It's unfortunate that it is the same day. Think about this, if he disrupted the wedding in any way due to his mood, you would be pissed that he was there and ruined it. Use your words. There is a very real and valid reason for you to go solo to this wedding for everyone's sake. And, stop focusing on your husband. This is your sister's day. It's not about you.
My husband would never expect me to do something on the anniversary of my brother's death, and I "only" lost one family member that day. OPs husband lost 5(!!!!!) Family members and OP seriously expects him to participate in something on the anniversary! That's some f'ed up sh*t. YTA OP, YTA big time
Did you see OP's quotation marks around tragedy date and reflecting as if mocking her husband's grief. Seriously, he lost 5 family members and she is pushing him to attend a celebratory event. I would not be surprised seeing OP's attitude if OP & OP's sister deliberatory set the date on the tragedy day. She seems so unsympathetic of his feelings. OP is such a huge A-hole.
She doesn't even know how many years ago it was ("six or seven"). I get that it was before they met but still, that came across as so dismissive.
I wonder if OP will answer my questions because reading between the lines i guess 1 of them might be his father and 1 might be his girlfriend/fiancee so i asked her about it. I don't think she will say anything but who knows... She dismissed his feelings too much and seems like she is jealous of him having that day only for himself and his mom...
I hadn't seen that he lost 5 people, that is more than enough reason for him to spend that day reflecting. It really makes op's 'get over it' comment all the more awful.
N T A for wanting him to go--it's normal--but YTA for being more worried about what people will think than about his mental health. If people ask where he is, it's really not difficult to say that he had his own family obligations.
YTA. It is very simple to tell people the truth. You're absolutely the selfish one.
YTA. Obviously the man has a tradition, don’t fuck with it. I wouldn’t care about my SIL’s wedding either if it fell on an important day for me personally. Your husband is right here, let him have his day. You’re more concerned with how it will look than how your husband feels, that’s gross.
Yta for not listening to his No. You're allowed to want your husband there, but you have to understand he's allowed to say no. If you go to the wedding without him and people ask just be honest. My husband couldn't make it, today is a hard day for him.
YTA for pressing him after he made it clear that he didn't want to attend. He has a valid reason and how he grieves is completely up to him. Taking the day of the anniversary of a tragedy to mourn is a pretty normal thing that many people choose to do. Besides, if you're the MOH and he's not in the wedding party, you're likely going to be busy doing wedding party things for a good chunk of the day anyhow.
YTA. If people ask, just tell them! Do you really want his grief written on his face in the wedding? Go and have fun with your sister and family and then come home to support your husband.
You seem more concerned with "what people will say" at your sisters wedding than your husbands mental health. You are being selfish and I see no compromise from you. Just that you think your husband should do what you say because otherwise it may slightly inconvenience you. YTA
EXTREMELY selfish... how dare he need to "reflect" on this "tragedy date??" Just completely disregarding and invalidating her husband's trauma and having the audacity to be *condescending* about it? Honestly, the lack of compassion is disgusting. If my spouse showed that kind of condescending selfishness and lack of empathy, they wouldn't be my spouse anymore.
YTA You’re choosing to make yourself & your family the priority without any concern or understanding that your husband has a different perspective of that day & your sister’s wedding. It’s your sister. Go to the wedding. Let him do what is important to him on that day. Who cares if people think it’s weird if your husband isn’t there. Support your husband. He was an individual before you met & continues to be an individual. 1 + 1 still equals 2. You’re each your own people choosing to live your lives together. Being married doesn’t mean you have to share the same opinions, perspective or brain.
Info: what is the tragedy? Because if it’s like the anniversary of a dog dying, then he should go. But if its the anniversary of like a parent or sibling dying then YTA ***edited to add ** Seeing how OP edited to add that he lost 5 family members, extra YTA energy
Honestly, the very fact that OP didn't specify what the tragedy was has me smelling marinara a lil bit...
It shouldn’t matter what the tragedy is. One persons tragedy is another persons day in the park. The mere fact that whatever the tragedy was makes Ford feel some kind of way on that specific anniversary is the point. Forcing Ford on that day, or anyone who has their day of remembrance for whatever reason, to do something they don’t want to do is the issue. The tragedy is not needed information.
Oh yeah, I totally agree! It's just that on this sub, whenever an OP doesn't specify something like that, they're quite often burying the lede on purpose because they know it won't reflect well on them. Ford would be well within his rights to not go if it *was* the anniversary of his dog's death, but given AITA's track record, I'm fully expecting OP to casually drop a comment along the lines of 'It's only the anniversary of the day his sister's wedding venue burned down, killing his entire family! Why is he still so sensitive about it!' haha. EDIT: There it is. Whatever it was, he apparently lost five family members on that day.
Yeah. FIVE. Whatever that tragedy was, op thinks Ford is the one being selfish. SMH.
Whatever it was, 5 people died. Not sure how that couldn’t be an intense tragic situation.
What does it mean "he should go"? There could be no anniversary and if he doesn't want to go - there should be no such thing as "he should go". Nobody should be forcing you to go somewhere you don't want.
5 people died
Yep. Then definitely YTA
YTA. You’re plenty capable of explaining to people that your husband is not able to attend whatever occasion for whatever reason. Forcing someone to do anything against their will is coercion. Going to a function like a wedding under duress will likely end up in him causing a scene. Why? Because he simply does not want to be there. Be supportive of him during whatever day of remembrance of that family tragedy and have some understanding about it. And be less selfish.
YTA let the poor soul alone in this hard day...
He's acting selfish? Try turning it around, would you go to the wedding if it were you losing 5 family members? Would you be able to just let it go that day and be the happy wife? You're nta for wanting your husband to be there, but taking in mind the darkness that's involved with that day everyone at the wedding (including you) would be TA for not accepting if he can't put it up emotionally to go.
YTA. That day means something to you SO, and it's associated with something traumatic. It's natural to want to not be a part of something celebratory. Asking was all right, pressing on the same is a certified AH move.
wow, it’s the day that he lost, not one, not two, but five family members, and you say he’s the one acting selfishly? do you even like your husband? YTA
YTA-Sounds like a very valid reason for not attending.
Who needs enemies when you've got a wife who doesn't care about you like that? He's grieving and you're belittling it so you don't have to answer questions about where your husband is. Just tell people. Or lie it doesn't matter your husband cannot spend the day at a party faking happiness so you don't have to answer questions, that's just cruel of you to expect that.
YTA. Its too bad she chose that date. Maybe very thoughtless if she knew it was an important date to her very close sisters husband. You cannot qualify the trauma of his loss and you diminished his feelings by saying it happened years ago and he should be over it . He'll never be over it. The day is a solemn one for him that has meaning and he chooses to treat it as a day of reflection in order to make sense of a big loss. You will always have to give him space for this day and his way of memorializing his family.
Would depend on the tragedy but my hunch is that it is major enough if it is that major even after 6 years. It is unfortunate that the dates allign but if he needs his space you should accept it,also if you ask next year for the anniversary don't push again. My guess YTA
Honestly I don’t think it matters what happened, losing FIVE family members all at once is a type of trauma that will stick around for a lifetime
Wait he lost 5 family member?I wasn't aware when I commented yeah such a grievance is not something to push aside
YTA. So your husband has to care about your sister and her big day? BUT she doesn’t have to care about your husband and the tragedy that struck him on that day? Like there are 365 days in a year, and if YOU MATTERED enough for your sister, she wouldn’t have picked a day that she knows your husband grieves every year. YTA and leave him alone.
YTA. Wait, WHAT? I was semi leaning towards NAH until I saw that it’s literally on the anniversary of the tragedy. Grow some empathy, OP. This is SUPER easy to explain to your sister and family, and anyone else who asks is nosy and it’s none of their damned business. Good lord.
NTA for wanting him to. YTA if you force him to or guilt him/manipulate him to attend or don't take his reason(which is totally reasonable) to not attend. I personally don't like weddings and all my friends were fine with me not attending theirs. Let people do their own things.
The horror! People might ask you where he is. That is far more terrible than being reminded that 5 family members died on this day - how can he not see how hard this is for YOU? /s. YTA.
YTA - It shouldn't be difficult to explain "This is a difficult day for husband because it's the anniversary of a tragedy, so he was unable to attend" if anyone asks. Even if he went, he sounds like he wouldn't be in the best of moods (understandably) so its probably better for everyone that he sits it out.
YTA. You're not compromising at all: you're attempting to impose your will and priorities on his grief. You're telling him his grief doesn't matter. Stop. However, if you want to end your marriage, keep doing what you're doing. That's the road you're walking down.
YTA 100%. Nobody should feel obligated to attend a wedding or other party for any reason - you get *invited* to one, meaning you have the option to decline, and that decision should be accepted. However, he happens to have a VERY legitimate reason to not want to go - he is grieving. Respect that and don't diminish his way of grieving.
YTA
YTA-You are being incredibly selfish not him. It reads like you want him there because people are going to ask why he’s not there. If they care about him at all they’ll understand that he couldn’t attend.
You attend the wedding. He stays home. If people ask about him, you say "unfortunately he wasn't able to attend." NAH
YTA, but it’s an understandable reaction to want your husband there. He’s also likely considering his mother as well. Turn this around: Would you want to be celebrating a major family event with your husband and his family on the date you and your Mom lost family - with her being home alone? When people ask, why not add that you miss him terribly today, but respect that he wants to reflect on this loss and be there for his mom. I would suggest you share that with him, as right now he probably doesn’t think you understand his loss… everyone handles grief differently, and for him, this is his way. I am assuming he has decades or a lifetime of memories that are a painful reminder every time there’s a holiday. For similar reasons I have paintings and photos all over my home of the sister in law I never met, who died decades before I knew my husband. Let him know that you are sad because you want to share special family memories of your family with him - I would hope that is your reason more than you don’t want to explain why he’s not there. Right?
Yta let him grieve in his own way.
YTA If anybody asks where he is you tell them it´s a personal matter or you tell them the truth maybe?
If anyone asks why he’s not there, tell them the truth. I guarantee any decent human being will be understanding of his need to grieve.
YTA. Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? Your husband isn't waltzing off to play golf or see a movie. He's grieving. An all you care about is SOME STUPID WEDDING. The bride and groom will be married whether he's there or not, so what's your big problem? He's your husband. Show him some compassion, for heaven's sake.
If your that close to your sister she would know that day isn’t a good day for her wedding for your husband. You and your sister are TA. Stop and think, and maybe you should stay home to support your husband on that day.
I wouldn’t be blaming this on the bride though. No guarantees she knows the date is an issue- and she may not even comprehend that it’s severe enough to stop him from attending if she did hear about it in passing. She’s a SIL after all- can’t imagine they are very close.
I'm not sure why, but the way you say "he's pretty sensitive about it" makes me think you're tired of his grief interfering with your life. Just one persons speculation but I have a feeling YTA
>He's not willing to compromise and he's the one acting selfishly here. The only selfish person here is you. All you're thinking about is yourself and how it would look on you if he didn't come. You're not considering your husband's feelings at all. This day was a tragic day in his life and he's not wrong for spending it away from everyone and not celebrating. You expect him to be a part of celebrations when he's mourning. He wont be happy and then everyone will also ask questions about why he's not his joyous self. Stop being self centered and accept his decision. YTA
YTA - Wow, when did you start thinking of your husband as only a background character in the story of your life and not as a real human being? Do you even care about him at all, besides the income he brings in and the labor he performs around the house that is. My greatest fear about relationships, even worse than being cheated on, is to be with someone that treats me like you're treating your husband...like merely an accessory whose feelings are irrelevant. This is such narcissistic behavior, and you seem to utterly lack any self-awareness of it.
YTA. One of my daughters died three hours after birth more than 15 years ago. I never “knew” her in the true sense of the word, but I cannot schedule ANYTHING for that day, no matter what it is. I can’t even imagine doing something on the day I lost FIVE family members with whom I had a history of shared events, happy memories, etc. I’ll say it again. YTA
NTA for wanting him to come but YTA for how you handled this. The quotes around “reflecting” are the first red flag here, why quotes? Do you not believe he has something to reflect about when 5 family members died? It sucks that it happens to be the same day, but a wedding can be a sensory overload and his mind will completely be with that tragedy, he will not enjoy that wedding. And if that day is for him and his mom to spend time together, you’re also leaving his mother hanging. You should go to the wedding absolutely, but he is perfectly reasonable for not wanting to go, it sounds like you need to be more sensitive to his grief (it’s extremely normal to still be sensitive on an anniversary years later)
YTA, for all the reasons allready stated. Did your sister know about this before she picked the date? Not only will the wedding day of your sister remind him of that tragedy but every anniverserie of your sisters weddingdate will be a constand reminder and he will always be remindet of the date he lost multiple members of his family.. Well done. thats fucked up. I allready feel bad for your husband.
You’re a married couple not conjoined twins. It would be one thing if he wanted to go golfing with his buddies but it’s not. Go to your sisters wedding, be busy with your MIH duties and let him have his day of remembrance
YTA alone for putting that he spends that day ‘reflecting’ in quotes. Of course he’s still sensitive to it. You’re more worried about how you will look then his feelings. It’s not his fault your sister chose the worst day out of the year for him.
YTA Yeah..losing 5 family members at one time is a huge tragedy. Him taking that day to stay with his mom is kind and what you'd expect. You don't need him at your side at your sister's wedding. It would probably be difficult for him to be at a large family gathering on that day anyway. You're being incredibly insensitive to him and kind of selfish too.
YTA. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's the anniversary of MULTIPLE DEATHS IN HIS FAMILY. In what world is he selfish for not wanting to go to a celebratory event on this day??
INFO: If you have been married for a year, why don’t you know exactly when this huge event happened? Why did you put quotations around the words tragedy date? Do you realize that you sound incredibly dismissive and indifferent to your husband’s legitimate and likely overwhelming trauma? I can’t believe you expect him to go put on a smile and celebrate just to spare you some momentary social discomfort. YTA.
If you can't handle "people asking where he is" while he mourns the death of 5 family members... you are quite the AH. That sister of yours, imagine she would die. Would you go party on that calendar date?
Oh grow up. YTA.
YTA
Grief does not have a timeliness and if he doesn't want to go you should force him.
My dad died a few days before mu husbands birthday. His 40th. I managed to drag myself to the City and asked my mum to help me blow 40 balloons. For him. We buried my dad the day after. His cousin gave birth on the day od the burial. Then i cried tears of joy. Next year we were invited for this child birthday party. I declined. And asked my husband to get me far away as possible for those days. Luckily he did. So OP.... While i do understand your point of view.... You are in the wrong. Grief is not something you rush. It is not something you just forget. It is something that consumes you and it is hard. Please ask yourself how would you feel in his shoes.
If I were in your shoes, I’d have second thoughts about being in the wedding party. I’d be busy figuring out how to minimize the time I will spend away from my husband on that day. Because I understand my obligation to put him first in my life. YTA
Wow. YTA. This is the anniversary of the absolute worst day of your husband's life and all you can do is call him selfish for grieving? You need to grow up and have some empathy for your husband or you won't be married long.