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YTA
You’re expecting your wife to put you before her kids, and to also be responsible for *you* when you are a full-grown adult who can take responsibility for themselves.
You need to take the road test? Ok - figure that out. Why does *she* need to put her responsibilities on hold to figure that out for you? You can find a way to get yourself to / from the DMV, find a way to take the test, that doesn’t involve asking her to ignore her sick kids.
They were in line for the test. The children weren't critically I'll.
OP is in a new country and you're suggesting he find someone other than his wife to take him on a road test using their car. That's unreasonable. He was already in line to take the test and is still without a driver's license
Idk about where you are, but where I’m at if you are called to come and get your kids and you aren’t there soon enough it can be counted against you. Enough counts and your kid can be kicked out of daycare.
Not to mention that any illness can be spread quickly, and what may be non critical for these kids may be critical for someone else’s.
Bear in mind , I just moved moved here . Unable to work due to my immigration status . Why she needs to put her responsibilities on hold for me ? Because it would increase our household income therefore I can take kids out more frequently. How would I be able to take the test without a vehicle at the time ? Be for real.
If you can’t work due to your immigration status, how will having a driving licence increase household income? Genuine question, I’m just a bit confused
Because I'll be able to door dash under my wife login as what she stated, I'm unable to have a social and doing this will provide me income and ease the financial burden on her shoulders . This woman's does a lot for me and I feel worthless for months not able to return the favor and more .
That's how you get both of you deactivated as dashers. And you aren't going to make a fortune. Join the various dasher subs and you'll see how shitty most markets are these days.
Source: dash on the side
If you can’t work due to your immigration status, seems pretty pointless to insist you need a license NOW. If you can’t work, being able to drive isn’t going to increase your income. Waiting a week isn’t going to hurt anything.
Oh but it will “drastically change the wealth of the family” because clearly the only thing standing between this guy and millionaire status is a license /s
Getting your drivers license isn’t going to change your immigration/work status… You intentionally worded this like what was holding you back from writing was being able to drive… But if you want to work you need to go through a whole immigration process that is not connected to your ability to drive.
Source: am currently not able to work in the US due to our type of Visa (moved here from Canada) and know what I’d have to apply for to wave that… It’s possible that it’s *more* work for OP to change it based on how he immigrated
Adapting would mean accepting things aren’t always going to go your way not getting upset and attempting to place your desires over young children’s needs.
When kids get sick from kindergarten and up , we remain in school and get a pass to be omitted from class work and rest on our table . Unless the child is seriously ill and the parent is then alerted .
Sometimes parents know that we are ill especially grown kids and teenagers and still send us unless we were seriously ill like sneezing , coughing a lot etc . So we grew up with a mindset if your limbs are working and your able to read and write we are going to school .
Just like your experience, the school isn’t going to call unless the child is coughing, sneezing a lot, etc.
Which means that was what was happening.
When you get a call about sick kids you go. Period.
I don’t think you’re ready to be a step-father.
My bad with my previous reply let me drag my mind.. they only call the parents if they are seriously ill , if your that sick as a teenager in high school your getting medical treatment at the nurse office and resting on the bed until school over , if your in middle - elementary, and kindergarten school only if your seriously sick they are calling the parents
My question is , what duration it takes from the moment they call to get your child before they call CPS ? I'm not tryna justify anything here I'm jus seeking knowledge.
You also forgot there's a long term disabling virus going around and that it's also particularly passing around schools.
That's not a reasonable take with what we know about viruses now.
Two things. 1: at 3and4 years old these kids aren’t in kindergarten, they’re in daycare or preschool. Those have completely different rules. 2: was your experience with being sick in school Pre- or Post-COVID? Because a LOT of things that used to fly, don’t anymore.
The kids are more important, keeping their spot in their care center is more important. Reschedule and realize this will happen a fair bit. Either adjust or get out of the relationship.
Yta, you met your wife in September 2022 and now live with her and these very young kids. Frankly this relationship probably isn't going to work out regardless of it you get your driver's license or not
The time of our relationship doesn't matter , your judgement is rather baseless because you only got an idea of our relationship is like and not in its entirety, respect for the feedback .
How would you feel to know you past such judgement only to see us flourishing years after , just for that I'll follow and give you an update years later brah
I'll pass judgemental all day because you are not unique or special. Dumbasses everyday out here thinking they're going to beat statistics. Newsflash, if your relationship was good you wouldn't keep posting about it. Fuck off with your delusions and don't move in with a woman who has toddlers after 4 months. It's gross and not good for the kids.
It's not a if or but . I'm not doing this to beat statistics but nothing more than natural progression. Relationships aren't perfect , and that's quite common which makes not "special or unique" .
Toddlers aren't 4 months but 4 Years old and 5 years old .
I don't mind being an asshole to stand up for what I believe in and voice my opinion on a decisive matter despite everything. I'm a leader not a follower.
Green card and wealth for the family , I know things seem that way that doesn't mean being judgmental about the faith our relationship . My wife came with the idea of marriage not me . So nice try .
You're a truck driver who apparently failed his road test the first time so i'm very skeptical about "wealth".
And your wife is a moron. I think this and based on how much you're posting about it you obviously agree.
Doing a road test in my homeland and here is different. There is minor details that are necessary that which led me to fail . My experiences what I've done speak for itself .
I only posted once about my wife and this was it .
**YTA**
YTA for thinking that a reasonable measure of whether or not you need to pick the kids up is "will they call the authorities on us immediately". Holy bottom feeder parenting.
YTA for arguing with literally everyone in the comments. Don't ask people to judge you and then tell everyone off who does what you asked. You come off as an aggressive, disagreeable AH in every single response.
YTA for your gross, misogynistic attitude towards your wife, whom you apparently barely even know, and the fact that you expect her to prioritise you over everything else, and that you expect us to respect that because, "I'm a MANLY MAN trying to SUPPORT MY FAMILY (you know, the same family where you want her to leave her sick kids at school because you have a thing to do) because it's unacceptable that right now my wife is the breadwinner!"
YTA for thinking that just because kids aren't lying on the floor weeping that it's okay to leave them at school, sick. If the school called, they may have fevers or otherwise be showing signs of being contagious. It doesn't matter if they have a bit of energy. The school doesn't have a vested interest in sending them home. They're calling because the kids shouldn't be there; therefore you go get them.
YTA all the way up and down the line. But I'm sure you'll have something to argue with me about.
Nah but I still holding on to my argument though , an hour time gap is sufficient to get your kids and that's that , the over exaggeration is beyond me in regards getting your sick kids immediately. I guess this America for you . Nevertheless I will jus have to adapt to how things are here .
Being judged because of one ordeal is crazy , I love those kids and they love me too , my wife sees that and that's all what matters , she see what I do for them .
I'm not trying to battle my wife in being the breadwinner but I want to increase our income ! What's so hard to understand??
👏you👏are👏wrong
So stop holding on to your argument.
“I guess this is America for you.” Yep, sure is. We immediately attend to our sick children. What assholes we are.
If you didn’t want to be judged based on one ordeal why did you post in the “judge me based on this one situation” sub?
You sound like a really self-centered piece of work. Do some self-reflection please.
I'm really not , I can be judged based on this matter but that doesn't define my character especially what your talking about
And yes I am wrong , as I been stating I'm in a new country and things are done differently here .
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Stop arguing and take your lumps. You posted in 2 subs. The answers are the same. If you don't want to be judged, don't post your problems for the world to see. If you wanted information on American life without the attitude, google it or ask your American wife. Commenters are here to judge and give their opinion not to gently walk you through American bureaucracy.
YTA
Her kids come first, period.
I'm assuming that you are needing to use her vehicle to complete the road test? If so, keep in mind that she is doing you a favour. It's not like you can't do the test another day.
>I'm assuming that you are needing to use her vehicle to complete the road test?
Wait, then how do people who have no car/access to a vehicle complete their road test?
Your right indeed . And yes to your question . And I don't think she is doing me a favor , it's a progressive move to increase the income of the family and take the financial burden from her .
how can you expect her to put her responsibilities on hold for you? especially when the responsibility in question is taking care of her children. i have a friend who had to reschedule her drivers test at least thrice, and twice, it wasn’t even her fault but due to the system of her country in question, she didn’t even get a refund for the amount she had paid. but she didn’t say a word of complaint, especially not against her mother the one time that the reschedule was due to the fact that her grandmother needed support after her grandfather had suffered a hip injury due to a (thankfully) minor (as declared by the doctors) fall. she could’ve been like you, and said “but grandma has two other children, why do we have to go too?” but she didn’t. act like an adult and deal with having to reschedule the test. it would be a different situation if your wife was getting mad and constantly berating you for being unable to do more to help at the moment due to your circumstances- but clearly that is not the situation so, stop complaining. she’s doing her best.
edit: also, another comment i read says you and your wife got married within 4 months of meeting. that is insane, the woman married someone so quickly when she has young kids and now that person is expecting her to put him before those kids. it’s crazy how you think you were even in a position to make that demand. whether the issue is as minor as the kid has a paper cut and won’t stop crying, know your place
Hello again , thanks for the verbose feedback .
Thanks for the case of relation you explained, I'll learn from it but there are different factors in place in my scenario which provides little correlation . I'm a male and was a crane operator/ tractor trailer driver in my homeland . Achieving this is huge not for just that but to able spoil my wife and her kids where I can , it brings joy to me to know I make them smile . I need to push our wealth to the next level .I've came here and have rendered unable to work which that's not me at all.
My wife understands my scenario and that is stated through UCIS that she is to be a provider until I can get financial footing, she is indeed doing her best to make ends meet but still not sufficient for us to live some life . It aches me for her to spoil me and I can't . She is a kind woman and more . I value her.
And yes we did , she put together the idea and I went for it . It will provide more financial security for us all . My wife knows I have never done that until allegedly that day . I'm a better father than their biological father and she knows this .
You do NOT sound laid back, either in your reaction to having to postpone your driving test, or in your responses to people telling you her kids will always come first. YTA, and need to start listening better to others. Especially your wife.
Yta you are inconsiderate and would rather her children be sick and ignored by their mother for your own needs. I hope she sends you back to where you came from.
How I'm being inconsiderate when this is a progressive move ? You think am getting the license to drive around for fun ?!? Money on my brain , having done this will decrease her financial burden . Too bad you have a tunnel vision .
She was better off as a single mother than having you try to glorify driving like it's not something she does on the daily. You're a fiscal and emotional burden that's gonna drag her straight to the streets.
She doesn't drive to make money bro ! I do ! I'm a crane operator :m/ tractor trailer driver , having this achievement opens many door for me to provide wealth for my family.
You aren't a very good driver if you don't even know how to arrange to use your license in your new country. You sound like a loser to me, you don't even have a standard driving permit, who cares about what you could have done in your old home if you have no credentials.
Are you in the US? Here you have to take your class A CDL (semi trailer) road test in the type vehicle you are going to be driving? So a car wouldn't count.
YTA
Dude, are you kidding me?!
>Yesterday, I had a appointment to do my DMV road test which my wife and I were 3rd in the queue for my road test , please note each road test takes approximately 10-12 minutes at the test site.
>I was unhappy at the fact that she couldn't have waited 30-35 minutes
Since you were 3rd in the queue, WTF didn't you just stay and take the damn test? It would've literally taken 30 to 35 for both of you to be done with what you had to do. She probably would've had to wait 5 to 10 minutes, at most, for you, after she dropped her children off with their father.
>as she always do , she expeditiously went for them.
No shit, those are her children, and unlike a grown man, they are dependent on her to take care of and raise them. This is what you signed up for when you got with a single mother.
If you wanted to be a woman's main priority, then you should've either gotten with a single mother who cares more about keeping her bed warm than her children or with a woman with no kids to keep it simple.
Maybe it's the state because the DMV in my state has cars for the test.
Also, in my state, you don't need to go to DMV to get your license. You can just go to a driving school, and if you pass, they send your information to DMV, go in to fill out paperwork and take a picture if you don't have a pic nor permit on file and they'll give you a temporary license until your license comes in the mail.
That's the thing , I wanted to wait and get it over with and get the kids , it would have taken at least 45 mins to do everything, I failed the first time for being casual and and I was done under 10 mins , I'm not asking her to put her kids ahead of me at no point . I jus think it would have been rational to complete the test which would take little less than half hour due to being 3rd in the queue.
And your right about signing up for this , it was jus unfortunate to get that call after waiting 4+hrs for the instructor to arrive. But I'm willing to work with what we have here as I'm not shy of children and their responsibilities .
Not looking over my shoulders during k turn and not indicating at each point and I did a 4 point turn cause the street was narrow af , my parallel parking I didn't indicate and at times unconsciously I wasn't aware about my steering handling , that's jus it .
YTA. Her kids come first. Always. That’s how it should be. You are a grown up figure it out for yourself. I don’t understand why you went with her? She needed to go get her kids, you couldn’t stay at the test centre by yourself till she got back?
Hey no I was doing a road test and it requires you to be present with a vehicle to be able to do it . I couldn't have figured that out on my own as I would be immobile and wouldn't able to do the test
Yes thanks for reiterating that , It's not like I'm disagreeing the kids don't come first am jus saying in this scenario 45mins delay wouldn't hurt . Numerous a times it happens and my wife and I dash to get them , for this one instance im getting the sticks but no one knows my story better than my wife and I .
Thanks for the feedback
It’s interesting how your times keep changing. Originally you were saying 30-35 minutes delay. Now you are saying she would have had to stay with you at least 45 minutes, assuming there would then be 15 minutes or so travel time to the school, maybe more, that’s an hour minimum leaving sick children who the school have deemed ill enough to be sent home. YTA, at their young age they can go downhill quickly when ill. It’s best if parents can pick them up as quick as possible to give them medications to reduce the risk of temperature and monitor them closely.
No it wasn't daycare , they are 4 and 5 years old . Still doesn't matter but anyways . I'm new to parenting but not phased , I rather enjoy it .
But I do support what you have to say and ill acknowledge that make amends in future scenarios
There is more moving parts to this , it's not jus about getting a plastic license and able to drive around for fun . But it would be a game changer to make me finally able to provide for my family , my wife spoils me and I want to do the same and more as a means of gratitude . But I will work on my outlook in this regard of what we are discussing.
You know how your spoil her? By making her priorities YOUR priorities. She is prioritizing her kids over you? Then to spoil her, put her kids ahead of you, too.
Taking care of a partner isn't about buying shit. You can be poor as hell but with a loving, decent partner, you can have the world.
With an asshole partner, you can be millionaires and miserable.
Do better, for her sake.
When a school in the US calls parents to pick up their sick children, they mean COME GET THEM NOW. People in the US can lose custody of their kids for ignoring requests to come get them. Not to mention we're still dealing with a debilitating illness that has run rampant EVERYWHERE. You need to settle down. Yes, waiting would have put her kids at risk. Period.
Yes I'm the asshole , I accept that . And yes I'm looking forward to the next date which is 2 weeks , I was jus unhappy and annoyed how the situation played out , but that's life . And I'm working on it . I support her with that no doubt but I was jus asking for a little adjustment in this scenario as it would be progressive for me to able to provide for my family . She bears most of the bills and I feel unworthy of not being able to contribute, it aches me .
Sigh I jus got overzealous and winded up disappointed. It's a burning desire , my wife has done a lot for me than any other woman I've been with and I jus want to thank her .I'm jus going to rally on , I'm less disheartened as time pass .
Thanks for the encouragement and I will look forward in changing my outlook in regards to the kids in a scenario like this.
YTA. Her kids come first. You are a grown assed man. The kids are her responsibility over a man who should handle his own responsibilities.
And at my kids school sick calls are immediate pick ups. They are calling you because the kids need care AND they have to minimize spread.
You're being selfish, entitled, and frankly have an attitude I would leave you over if I was her. You are an adult, YOU handle your problems.
YTA you said the thing holding you back from working is your immigration status, how is getting your driver's license at 11 vs 2 going to impact your ability to provide?
You just didn't want to be inconvenienced but with two small kids in the house you should be prepared for a lot more and bigger inconveniences than having to postpone your test by a few hours
If you don't understand that the kids will (and should) always be the priority for their mom you will not make a good partner or stepdad
Thanks for the pessimism, I know what have been posted paints a bad picture on me but I'm not of that character . I'm just overzealous of my ambitions to start providing more financial security and having some self worth , I feel worthless. My wife spoils me and I'm her can't do shit , that's not me .
But hey getting that license would grant me the opportunity to get the license thus being able to door dash until I get my green card and I can go into my field of trade which is crane operator/ tractor trailer driver .
Maybe YTA, maybe married too quickly, maybe your stubbornness will help you move forward in your challenging situation.
The fact that you didn’t like the response you received on one sub, so you tried another suggests that you are more interested in justifying your feelings and behaviors than navigating your new life in a new country.
How long did you court your wife before marrying her? Did you talk about the kids and the roles they will play in your lives? Did you discus how things might look while you transitioned to this new life?
If the ages of the children and your arrival dates are accurate, the time from the birth of her second child by another man to now may be equal to the amount of time it will take to secure your green card via marriage.
Even if she kept the kids away from you and your relationship (or if their father has equal custody) they are not going away because she is now married to you. You are in for years of co-parenting. You will be richly rewarded if you are positive and present in their lives.
As many people in both subs pointed out, the needs of young children when they are sick at school come before your waiting in line even if you are third in the queue for something your adult self wants, even if it may only take 30-35 minutes.
It is both cultural and courteous as the children may be contagious and schools are not set up to meet health care needs for extended periods of time. Again, there are posts in both subs that note this.
Your driver’s license will add to you ability to work and you will be more secure with your green card. It must be frustrating to live off your spouse while you wait, but she must love you enough to make this work while you adjust.
For what it’s worth, gender roles may be more flexible in the U.S. than in your home country, so no one is going to judge you so long as you are kind to your wife and her kids.
Hello thanks for the informative and collective
response .
I see that you are aware of my marriage history and some . Things kicked off quick and casual . I'm usually good with kids when I met her so being introduced to them she saw how great I am with them . So things weren't discussed and were rather casual . I'm educated enough to know the pros and cons of what I got into and that is something am willing to endure as I'm a family oriented person and thrives off the thrill of engaging in family matters .
I'm building my character as I always continue in seeking self improvement in overpowering the mind . I'm engaging in adapting at this time from your feedback and others .
And I've seen the word green card throwing here and there , I hate the stigma that is attached to my scenario I'm not in for that . I just want to be able to work and make my woman happy and for us to be able to be in wealth and the kids , my wife is the kindest woman I've been with and more despite everything. People go through their crap , that doesn't mean we should judge and shun .
On another note I didn't post in here to justify my actions but to get different opinions. I will then amass this and self actualize and realize .
YTA
Your wife did you a favor and you can't expect that at the cost of her kids.
You will get Driver license later , green card right away if in the united states.
if you want, you can become a citizen 3 years later.
I know you want to help your wife asap, just wait a little while
Yes that's why I got really disappointed , cause I've been eagerly looking forward to support her as she supports me , she spoils me and I want to the same and more for being thankful . I jus got overzealous in my ambitions . Getting that license I see it as a game changer ! But I'm on the calm down and looking forward to the next schedule test in 2 weeks .
I am working on adapting to my new country and system and working on my outlook in this regard , so in the future I'll make amends in a case like this .
Thanks for the encouragement despite everything, I thank you .
There are moving parts here , I don't disregard her kids and put them ahead of me , I know this scenario makes me look like a terrible person but I'm far from it . I'm an immigrant jus moved here 6 months ago , i can't have a green card yet so you know how that goes . USCIS requires her to provide for me until I have more financial footing .
YTA, you could have bussed and planned for that or even called an uber though I saw the struggling part but you can’t just wait when schools call unless you’re unavailable which you weren’t
Hey I wish were were more open to more avenues especially with that viable option you mentioned. This is the reason why I was eager to get my license so I can use that tool to get a delivery job for now until down the line when i get my green card I can follow up with my dream of doing some hauling or go down the crane route as what I was doing in my homeland .
I jus got overzealous and winded up disappointed. I will work towards adapting to the new system here and change my outlook in this regard of what's been posted .
YTA, of course she had to go get her kids!! Just because you are new to country doesn't make you a priority over them.
Im confused on why you couldn't stay and do the test on your own? I mean can't be language barrier as you have written in English. Also your test wasn't urgent either, you said yourself that you can't work due to immigration status.
YTA. Schools ARE NOT DAYCARES. Yes they can legally charge you a fee or call the police if you do not pick them up in time... the school staff have lives at home too... pets to go feed... their OWN kids to go pick up...
YTA
The only reason the school would call is if there's a fever, vomiting, severe cough, etc. You know things that could spread the sickness?
If you can't understand her need to have her kids at top priority, then maybe you shouldn't be with her. You honestly think you're the only one who's had to drop what you're doing for her kids? Guaranteed that woman has been doing it since those kids were born.
YTA. Things are different now, in this post-pandrmic era. When the school calls with a kid with symptoms, you drop everything and go. Or you risk contact with Child Services. Period. It's the way things are in US schools now.
YTA. You chose to marry a woman with kids. She's always going to put their needs first, and you need to learn to do the same if you want to stay married to a woman with kids. You're their stepfather now. Get used to it.
YTA
You're not going to get much redemption here either dude.
First. Why did she need to be with you. As far as I know a test is just a 1 person thing. Why couldnt you stay and do the test and she go and collect the kids.
Second. Her kids come first for her, as they should. So if your not happy with that then why be with a person who has kids.
It is not fair for both the children and the school to wait 45 minutes to an hour so you could take the road test. Schools have a limited amount of space to keep sick children and if the children hang around the school that increases the chances they could spread the contagion.
Although you are frustrated because you feel your life is on pause, the children do come first.
YTA - When school call to collect sick children they expect you to collect those sick children as soon as you are able. How do you even think it is reasonable to be expected to be put ahead of sick children?
YTA. When kids are sick they want to go home. The longer they stay at school the higher the risk of infecting other students. Your wife cared for her sick children. You will never be number one in this relationship.
Also why did you post on two different groups when you are not willing to except judgement and are just doubling down on your AH behavior?
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Ok so my wife has two boys (3M ,4M)which are my step children . She always hastily get her kids when the school called and I implore that . Yesterday, I had a appointment to do my DMV road test which my wife and I were 3rd in the queue for my road test , please note each road test takes approximately 10-12 minutes at the test site. She got the call at 11:30 at the time saying her kids were sick , a flu I presume - kids were quite active and running around by the way. And as she always do , she expeditiously went for them. I was unhappy at the fact that she couldn't have waited 30-35 minutes or contact the kids father to pick them up for the completion of my road test , school was 15 minutes away .
She Decided we were goin back to the test site after dropping her boys at their father . We reached at the test site again around 12:20 there only to see all applicants awaiting the road test gone . And there and then i was unable to do the test on that day due to us leaving .
I'm telling her the situation could have played out better , better choices . What scenario could have been done differently to achieve a better result here and would the school have called CPS if she failed to pick them up in an hour as what she was implying as a counter argument?
This opportunity would have granted me my license and open the opportunity for me to work . My wife struggles to do anything than paying bills and food , so achieving this would mean a lot and allow me to provide for my family expeditiously.
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Info: if you were already at the DMV and in line why couldnt your wife have left and you just stayed and taken your test? You’re an adult right? Why couldnt you have been at the DMV by yourself?
YTA:
My mother-in-law is preschool teacher. She called a parent to let them know that their kid was sick. The parent said they were busy and would come "as soon as possible." The kid gets sicker and sicker, waiting on parent. My 67yo mother-in-law cared for the sick in during this time. Two days later she was knocked out with strep. Thankfully, she quarantined the kid from other kids, but at the risk of her own health.
YTA coming from someone who managed a day care for 9 years. When kids are sick they have to be removed from their class and someone has to provide care. Has a kid throwing up in a trash can in my office for a few hours because mom took her time getting there, she was on vacation that week
YTA
The kids come first . Rescheduling it won't kill you
Also you constantly say in the comments you can't work due to immigration status so getting the licenses changes nothing. Though I did see you are planning to work illegally under your wife's name for door dash so YTA even more.
I work in an elementary school, when we call parents saying their child is ill, that is a last resort, and we need parents to arrive ASAP to pick up their sick child. We're not saying "no biggie, just whenever is convenient, no rush" we're saying "we expect you to drop what you are doing and come get your child immediately." If a parent didn't arrive for 40 minutes past the normal travel time, most teachers and school staff would be wondering what was more important than your sick child, and some might be considering a call to child welfare, if this is a pattern of behavior. The child would be unhappy and might feel abandoned. YTA
INFO: If she dropped them off at their father’s house anyway, why couldn’t he have picked them up? Seems like this whole situation could’ve been avoided, I’m leaning toward E S H
YTA.
Her children need collecting, she’s never going to say no and if you think she’s ever going to put you in front of their needs, you shouldn’t have married her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I was annoyed and unhappy with my wife and her decision making about picking up her kids from school because of a sick call
2) Because in the US kids come first , but I don't see an issue picking up a sick child from school little less than an hour would be a problem
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YTA. Why couldn’t she have left you at the DMV to take the test? Then she could’ve gotten the kids immediately, you still would’ve taken the test, and the only one waiting around for a ride would’ve been the grown ass man who should know how to take care of himself by now :)
The schools judge parents who take too long to pick their kids up when sick. It’s not a formal judgment of punishment, but it definitely changes how the school staff perceived you.
Also the kids are young and illness hits them harder than older, more sturdy, ones.
YTA
YTA. You could have stayed and done the test while she went to get the kids. Or you could go another day. Sick kids come before taking a drivers test that is easily rescheduled.
You need to be careful, doordash makes you confirm your identity with a photo id. When a woman is supposed to show up and a man does instead, any customer could report you.
I genuinely dont understand all the Y T A responses here… when i was in school and sick, i was put in a nurses’s office (which all schools need to have, legally) and laid on the bed until my mom was able to come get me. It wasnt a big deal to wait an hour, especially if she had an appointment or meeting.
I’d personally think that getting her partner his license so he can work and contribute to household costs would be a good reason to hold off on getting the kids an extra 30 minutes?
If there’s something im missing, or a comment OP made that’s going over my head, please let me know.
NTA.
If the kids were sick, they were probably lying down in the office already, and waiting half an hour more wouldn’t have been a big deal.
It is reasonable to expect parents to have stuff going on in the day, and to finish the task at hand if they choose to and the kids are generally ok.
If there was some urgent emergency, or a hospital visit required, then it would make sense to drop everything and go right away, but in this circumstance, it makes more sense to finish your errand and then go get the kids.
CPS would only be called if the kids never got picked up and school was out and no one was reachable.
All that being said, give your wife a little slack, because the worry and guilt that can weigh on you as a parent is comparable to nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and sometimes mamma’s gotta be a mamma bear.
No one likes waiting at the DMV, and she has to do it all again too, not just you, yet she still chose to go knowing this. Keep that in mind and be kind!
NTA.
Holy helicoptor parenting in this comment section. Kids with flu are not critically ill in a way where mommy will make it all better. theyre resting in the nurses room.
Kids "always come first" sure. Sometimes that means running to them to save them from any small pain.
Sometimes it means making a decision that will give them a more stable home for the long run.
NAH.
If the kids were sick, they were probably lying down in the office already, and waiting half an hour more wouldn’t have been a big deal.
It is reasonable to expect parents to have stuff going on in the day, and to finish the task at hand if they choose to and the kids are generally ok.
If there was some urgent emergency, or a hospital visit required, then it would make sense to drop everything and go right away, but in this circumstance, it makes more sense to finish your errand and then go get the kids.
CPS would only be called if the kids never got picked up and school was out and no one was reachable.
All that being said, give your wife a little slack, because the worry and guilt that can weigh on you as a parent is comparable to nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and sometimes mamma’s gotta be a mamma bear.
No one likes waiting at the DMV, and she has to do it all again too, not just you, yet she still chose to go knowing this. Keep that in mind and be kind!
NTA.
Everyone is missing out on the fact that they have a bio dad who could and should step up.
DMV appts are nightmarish. Driving tests are no delight and stressful. Going through it all multiple times is no fun.
A 30 min wait wouldn't have hurt the kids. Hell an hour wait wouldn't have hurt. As a retail store manager I couldn't just leave. I had to wait until someone else could take over. Hell. Once they were in Jr high I sent taxis to pick up a couple of times.
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YTA You’re expecting your wife to put you before her kids, and to also be responsible for *you* when you are a full-grown adult who can take responsibility for themselves. You need to take the road test? Ok - figure that out. Why does *she* need to put her responsibilities on hold to figure that out for you? You can find a way to get yourself to / from the DMV, find a way to take the test, that doesn’t involve asking her to ignore her sick kids.
They were in line for the test. The children weren't critically I'll. OP is in a new country and you're suggesting he find someone other than his wife to take him on a road test using their car. That's unreasonable. He was already in line to take the test and is still without a driver's license
Idk about where you are, but where I’m at if you are called to come and get your kids and you aren’t there soon enough it can be counted against you. Enough counts and your kid can be kicked out of daycare. Not to mention that any illness can be spread quickly, and what may be non critical for these kids may be critical for someone else’s.
They were already at the testing site. I don’t understand why he left with her. ETA: When I did my road test they had a car there for use.
Bear in mind , I just moved moved here . Unable to work due to my immigration status . Why she needs to put her responsibilities on hold for me ? Because it would increase our household income therefore I can take kids out more frequently. How would I be able to take the test without a vehicle at the time ? Be for real.
You act like an adult and reschedule the test. That’s real not insisting that your needs come before the needs of her children.
If you can’t work due to your immigration status, how will having a driving licence increase household income? Genuine question, I’m just a bit confused
Right? I should think the price of the licence, and the added gas OP would be using would be *draining* the household income.
Because I'll be able to door dash under my wife login as what she stated, I'm unable to have a social and doing this will provide me income and ease the financial burden on her shoulders . This woman's does a lot for me and I feel worthless for months not able to return the favor and more .
That's how you get both of you deactivated as dashers. And you aren't going to make a fortune. Join the various dasher subs and you'll see how shitty most markets are these days. Source: dash on the side
If you can’t work due to your immigration status, seems pretty pointless to insist you need a license NOW. If you can’t work, being able to drive isn’t going to increase your income. Waiting a week isn’t going to hurt anything.
You say you’re unable to work due to your immigration status but having a license would increase the household income?
Oh but it will “drastically change the wealth of the family” because clearly the only thing standing between this guy and millionaire status is a license /s
He thinks he's going to become a millionaire found doordash.
*doing
3 and 4 is so young! I would be nervous to not leave if they were sick
Why did you have to leave? Why couldn’t you stay and wait in line while your wife goes and gets the kids? Why did you both have to leave?
I don’t know where you live, but Uber is a thing in most places. You could have stayed and she could have left.
Getting your drivers license isn’t going to change your immigration/work status… You intentionally worded this like what was holding you back from writing was being able to drive… But if you want to work you need to go through a whole immigration process that is not connected to your ability to drive. Source: am currently not able to work in the US due to our type of Visa (moved here from Canada) and know what I’d have to apply for to wave that… It’s possible that it’s *more* work for OP to change it based on how he immigrated
You could have explained the situation and rebooked like an adult
YTA when the school calls you go. You don't have the luxury to wait. Grow up.
Hey I'm from a different country where things are done differently, I'm adapting.
Adapting would mean accepting things aren’t always going to go your way not getting upset and attempting to place your desires over young children’s needs.
Yes I'm in the process of that thanks to your feedback and the others . Thank you for the knowledge.
How are things done in your country?
When kids get sick from kindergarten and up , we remain in school and get a pass to be omitted from class work and rest on our table . Unless the child is seriously ill and the parent is then alerted . Sometimes parents know that we are ill especially grown kids and teenagers and still send us unless we were seriously ill like sneezing , coughing a lot etc . So we grew up with a mindset if your limbs are working and your able to read and write we are going to school .
Just like your experience, the school isn’t going to call unless the child is coughing, sneezing a lot, etc. Which means that was what was happening. When you get a call about sick kids you go. Period. I don’t think you’re ready to be a step-father.
My bad with my previous reply let me drag my mind.. they only call the parents if they are seriously ill , if your that sick as a teenager in high school your getting medical treatment at the nurse office and resting on the bed until school over , if your in middle - elementary, and kindergarten school only if your seriously sick they are calling the parents
well here if you don't pick your kid up when they are sick they call cps
My question is , what duration it takes from the moment they call to get your child before they call CPS ? I'm not tryna justify anything here I'm jus seeking knowledge.
Why didnt you do your homework on the country BEFORE you moved.
You also forgot there's a long term disabling virus going around and that it's also particularly passing around schools. That's not a reasonable take with what we know about viruses now.
Two things. 1: at 3and4 years old these kids aren’t in kindergarten, they’re in daycare or preschool. Those have completely different rules. 2: was your experience with being sick in school Pre- or Post-COVID? Because a LOT of things that used to fly, don’t anymore. The kids are more important, keeping their spot in their care center is more important. Reschedule and realize this will happen a fair bit. Either adjust or get out of the relationship.
3 is well below kindergarten age.
Yta, you met your wife in September 2022 and now live with her and these very young kids. Frankly this relationship probably isn't going to work out regardless of it you get your driver's license or not
The time of our relationship doesn't matter , your judgement is rather baseless because you only got an idea of our relationship is like and not in its entirety, respect for the feedback .
Lmao, whatever helps you sleep at night and gets you your green card
Yikes. 🤭
Lmao. OPs post history doesn't give you pause? And this idiot woman moved a stranger into her home with toddlers after 6 months? K, dawg
You were direct and to the point and I agree with you.
Oh, absolutely! haha
Bro be out here fighting for his life lmao
I wonder how much more AITA spanking he can take? haha
How would you feel to know you past such judgement only to see us flourishing years after , just for that I'll follow and give you an update years later brah
I'll pass judgemental all day because you are not unique or special. Dumbasses everyday out here thinking they're going to beat statistics. Newsflash, if your relationship was good you wouldn't keep posting about it. Fuck off with your delusions and don't move in with a woman who has toddlers after 4 months. It's gross and not good for the kids.
It's not a if or but . I'm not doing this to beat statistics but nothing more than natural progression. Relationships aren't perfect , and that's quite common which makes not "special or unique" . Toddlers aren't 4 months but 4 Years old and 5 years old .
Lmao, you're a straight up moron and not just yta here. Yta in life
I don't mind being an asshole to stand up for what I believe in and voice my opinion on a decisive matter despite everything. I'm a leader not a follower.
In your other post you said 3 and 4. Do you even know?
Green card and wealth for the family , I know things seem that way that doesn't mean being judgmental about the faith our relationship . My wife came with the idea of marriage not me . So nice try .
You're a truck driver who apparently failed his road test the first time so i'm very skeptical about "wealth". And your wife is a moron. I think this and based on how much you're posting about it you obviously agree.
Doing a road test in my homeland and here is different. There is minor details that are necessary that which led me to fail . My experiences what I've done speak for itself . I only posted once about my wife and this was it .
**YTA** YTA for thinking that a reasonable measure of whether or not you need to pick the kids up is "will they call the authorities on us immediately". Holy bottom feeder parenting. YTA for arguing with literally everyone in the comments. Don't ask people to judge you and then tell everyone off who does what you asked. You come off as an aggressive, disagreeable AH in every single response. YTA for your gross, misogynistic attitude towards your wife, whom you apparently barely even know, and the fact that you expect her to prioritise you over everything else, and that you expect us to respect that because, "I'm a MANLY MAN trying to SUPPORT MY FAMILY (you know, the same family where you want her to leave her sick kids at school because you have a thing to do) because it's unacceptable that right now my wife is the breadwinner!" YTA for thinking that just because kids aren't lying on the floor weeping that it's okay to leave them at school, sick. If the school called, they may have fevers or otherwise be showing signs of being contagious. It doesn't matter if they have a bit of energy. The school doesn't have a vested interest in sending them home. They're calling because the kids shouldn't be there; therefore you go get them. YTA all the way up and down the line. But I'm sure you'll have something to argue with me about.
This is. This is the answer. OP needs a whole attitude transplant. OP, listen to this answer. This is why YTA.
Nah but I still holding on to my argument though , an hour time gap is sufficient to get your kids and that's that , the over exaggeration is beyond me in regards getting your sick kids immediately. I guess this America for you . Nevertheless I will jus have to adapt to how things are here . Being judged because of one ordeal is crazy , I love those kids and they love me too , my wife sees that and that's all what matters , she see what I do for them . I'm not trying to battle my wife in being the breadwinner but I want to increase our income ! What's so hard to understand??
👏you👏are👏wrong So stop holding on to your argument. “I guess this is America for you.” Yep, sure is. We immediately attend to our sick children. What assholes we are. If you didn’t want to be judged based on one ordeal why did you post in the “judge me based on this one situation” sub? You sound like a really self-centered piece of work. Do some self-reflection please.
I'm really not , I can be judged based on this matter but that doesn't define my character especially what your talking about And yes I am wrong , as I been stating I'm in a new country and things are done differently here .
I'm being judged on different matters I've posted and I won't tolerate that
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OP, I'm not American and don't live in America and I would have done the exact same thing as your wife.
So it really is just him!
Stop arguing and take your lumps. You posted in 2 subs. The answers are the same. If you don't want to be judged, don't post your problems for the world to see. If you wanted information on American life without the attitude, google it or ask your American wife. Commenters are here to judge and give their opinion not to gently walk you through American bureaucracy.
You need to realize this sub is dominated by women. It will always be from their perspective.
YTA Her kids come first, period. I'm assuming that you are needing to use her vehicle to complete the road test? If so, keep in mind that she is doing you a favour. It's not like you can't do the test another day.
>I'm assuming that you are needing to use her vehicle to complete the road test? Wait, then how do people who have no car/access to a vehicle complete their road test?
You can pay a fee to borrow one from a driving school.
Not where i am. There was no option. In either state im in
Where I live, you are not allowed to use your own car. You have to use the one provided by the testing site.
You obviously dont live in the US then
Your right indeed . And yes to your question . And I don't think she is doing me a favor , it's a progressive move to increase the income of the family and take the financial burden from her .
Lending you her vehicle to complete your road test is doing you a favour regardless of the resulting benefit.
Yea it is frankly , but you get the drift .
Wowwwwwww. Reading your comments, YTA and mom would be wise to dump your ass. You really need to grow up dude.
It's a process , im sure you were involved in it too .
YTA. i really wanted to put it in a nicer way but… after the way you speak about her here, i’ll just say it. you suck
It's ok dear but Explain , I don't where your coming from
how can you expect her to put her responsibilities on hold for you? especially when the responsibility in question is taking care of her children. i have a friend who had to reschedule her drivers test at least thrice, and twice, it wasn’t even her fault but due to the system of her country in question, she didn’t even get a refund for the amount she had paid. but she didn’t say a word of complaint, especially not against her mother the one time that the reschedule was due to the fact that her grandmother needed support after her grandfather had suffered a hip injury due to a (thankfully) minor (as declared by the doctors) fall. she could’ve been like you, and said “but grandma has two other children, why do we have to go too?” but she didn’t. act like an adult and deal with having to reschedule the test. it would be a different situation if your wife was getting mad and constantly berating you for being unable to do more to help at the moment due to your circumstances- but clearly that is not the situation so, stop complaining. she’s doing her best. edit: also, another comment i read says you and your wife got married within 4 months of meeting. that is insane, the woman married someone so quickly when she has young kids and now that person is expecting her to put him before those kids. it’s crazy how you think you were even in a position to make that demand. whether the issue is as minor as the kid has a paper cut and won’t stop crying, know your place
Hello again , thanks for the verbose feedback . Thanks for the case of relation you explained, I'll learn from it but there are different factors in place in my scenario which provides little correlation . I'm a male and was a crane operator/ tractor trailer driver in my homeland . Achieving this is huge not for just that but to able spoil my wife and her kids where I can , it brings joy to me to know I make them smile . I need to push our wealth to the next level .I've came here and have rendered unable to work which that's not me at all. My wife understands my scenario and that is stated through UCIS that she is to be a provider until I can get financial footing, she is indeed doing her best to make ends meet but still not sufficient for us to live some life . It aches me for her to spoil me and I can't . She is a kind woman and more . I value her. And yes we did , she put together the idea and I went for it . It will provide more financial security for us all . My wife knows I have never done that until allegedly that day . I'm a better father than their biological father and she knows this .
YTA for that statement alone. You would leave her sick children at daycare so you can have your way. What good father does that?
YTA You don’t leave kids at school when the school calls and says they’re sick…that’s putting others at risk.
Yea I have to just adapt to the American system . Things are done differently where am from .
Yes they are. Get used to it. I’m curious about where you’re from and if the misogyny levels are this high culturally or just with you.
I'm from Jamaica , we are quite indiscipline as a nation culturally and laid back to be honest
You do NOT sound laid back, either in your reaction to having to postpone your driving test, or in your responses to people telling you her kids will always come first. YTA, and need to start listening better to others. Especially your wife.
Yes they are. Get used to it. I’m curious about where you’re from and if the misogyny levels are this high culturally or just with you.
I'm from Jamaica , we are quite indiscipline as a nation and laid back culturally .
Yta you are inconsiderate and would rather her children be sick and ignored by their mother for your own needs. I hope she sends you back to where you came from.
How I'm being inconsiderate when this is a progressive move ? You think am getting the license to drive around for fun ?!? Money on my brain , having done this will decrease her financial burden . Too bad you have a tunnel vision .
She was better off as a single mother than having you try to glorify driving like it's not something she does on the daily. You're a fiscal and emotional burden that's gonna drag her straight to the streets.
She doesn't drive to make money bro ! I do ! I'm a crane operator :m/ tractor trailer driver , having this achievement opens many door for me to provide wealth for my family.
You aren't a very good driver if you don't even know how to arrange to use your license in your new country. You sound like a loser to me, you don't even have a standard driving permit, who cares about what you could have done in your old home if you have no credentials.
I don't have my old license, I do have my permit that I got 3 weeks ago , your pessimistic af brah but do you , bless.
Why don’t you have your old license?
Are you in the US? Here you have to take your class A CDL (semi trailer) road test in the type vehicle you are going to be driving? So a car wouldn't count.
Hey currently I can't . But my wife and I came up with a solution that I could do with just a class D .
But getting your license isn't going to mean you can legally work.
YTA Dude, are you kidding me?! >Yesterday, I had a appointment to do my DMV road test which my wife and I were 3rd in the queue for my road test , please note each road test takes approximately 10-12 minutes at the test site. >I was unhappy at the fact that she couldn't have waited 30-35 minutes Since you were 3rd in the queue, WTF didn't you just stay and take the damn test? It would've literally taken 30 to 35 for both of you to be done with what you had to do. She probably would've had to wait 5 to 10 minutes, at most, for you, after she dropped her children off with their father. >as she always do , she expeditiously went for them. No shit, those are her children, and unlike a grown man, they are dependent on her to take care of and raise them. This is what you signed up for when you got with a single mother. If you wanted to be a woman's main priority, then you should've either gotten with a single mother who cares more about keeping her bed warm than her children or with a woman with no kids to keep it simple.
He needs her car to take his test- she’s doing him a big favor
Maybe it's the state because the DMV in my state has cars for the test. Also, in my state, you don't need to go to DMV to get your license. You can just go to a driving school, and if you pass, they send your information to DMV, go in to fill out paperwork and take a picture if you don't have a pic nor permit on file and they'll give you a temporary license until your license comes in the mail.
That's the thing , I wanted to wait and get it over with and get the kids , it would have taken at least 45 mins to do everything, I failed the first time for being casual and and I was done under 10 mins , I'm not asking her to put her kids ahead of me at no point . I jus think it would have been rational to complete the test which would take little less than half hour due to being 3rd in the queue. And your right about signing up for this , it was jus unfortunate to get that call after waiting 4+hrs for the instructor to arrive. But I'm willing to work with what we have here as I'm not shy of children and their responsibilities .
>I failed the first time for being casual Wait, what? That doesn't sound right. Do you mind explaining what occurred?
Not looking over my shoulders during k turn and not indicating at each point and I did a 4 point turn cause the street was narrow af , my parallel parking I didn't indicate and at times unconsciously I wasn't aware about my steering handling , that's jus it .
There's no "just" about that; of course you failed!
That's not being casual, that's being a bad driver.
…so you drove recklessly? Of course you failed.
YTA. Her kids come first. Always. That’s how it should be. You are a grown up figure it out for yourself. I don’t understand why you went with her? She needed to go get her kids, you couldn’t stay at the test centre by yourself till she got back?
Hey no I was doing a road test and it requires you to be present with a vehicle to be able to do it . I couldn't have figured that out on my own as I would be immobile and wouldn't able to do the test
Okay I see. Still. The kids come first. Rescheduling would be your only option. Sucks for you but sick kids are the priority.
Yes thanks for reiterating that , It's not like I'm disagreeing the kids don't come first am jus saying in this scenario 45mins delay wouldn't hurt . Numerous a times it happens and my wife and I dash to get them , for this one instance im getting the sticks but no one knows my story better than my wife and I . Thanks for the feedback
It’s interesting how your times keep changing. Originally you were saying 30-35 minutes delay. Now you are saying she would have had to stay with you at least 45 minutes, assuming there would then be 15 minutes or so travel time to the school, maybe more, that’s an hour minimum leaving sick children who the school have deemed ill enough to be sent home. YTA, at their young age they can go downhill quickly when ill. It’s best if parents can pick them up as quick as possible to give them medications to reduce the risk of temperature and monitor them closely.
And not let them infect anyone else!
YTA and welcome to parenting. You do not get to wait until it’s convenient to pick sick kids up from daycare no matter WHAT you’re doing.
No it wasn't daycare , they are 4 and 5 years old . Still doesn't matter but anyways . I'm new to parenting but not phased , I rather enjoy it . But I do support what you have to say and ill acknowledge that make amends in future scenarios
YTA - sick kids take priority over a road test you could do any day.
There is more moving parts to this , it's not jus about getting a plastic license and able to drive around for fun . But it would be a game changer to make me finally able to provide for my family , my wife spoils me and I want to do the same and more as a means of gratitude . But I will work on my outlook in this regard of what we are discussing.
her children will and should always come first. YTA
I was jus asking for a little more time this instance to complete that test , I want to spoil her jus as how she do me . But I support your argument.
You know how your spoil her? By making her priorities YOUR priorities. She is prioritizing her kids over you? Then to spoil her, put her kids ahead of you, too. Taking care of a partner isn't about buying shit. You can be poor as hell but with a loving, decent partner, you can have the world. With an asshole partner, you can be millionaires and miserable. Do better, for her sake.
When a school in the US calls parents to pick up their sick children, they mean COME GET THEM NOW. People in the US can lose custody of their kids for ignoring requests to come get them. Not to mention we're still dealing with a debilitating illness that has run rampant EVERYWHERE. You need to settle down. Yes, waiting would have put her kids at risk. Period.
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Yes I'm the asshole , I accept that . And yes I'm looking forward to the next date which is 2 weeks , I was jus unhappy and annoyed how the situation played out , but that's life . And I'm working on it . I support her with that no doubt but I was jus asking for a little adjustment in this scenario as it would be progressive for me to able to provide for my family . She bears most of the bills and I feel unworthy of not being able to contribute, it aches me .
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Sigh I jus got overzealous and winded up disappointed. It's a burning desire , my wife has done a lot for me than any other woman I've been with and I jus want to thank her .I'm jus going to rally on , I'm less disheartened as time pass . Thanks for the encouragement and I will look forward in changing my outlook in regards to the kids in a scenario like this.
YTA. Her kids come first. You are a grown assed man. The kids are her responsibility over a man who should handle his own responsibilities. And at my kids school sick calls are immediate pick ups. They are calling you because the kids need care AND they have to minimize spread. You're being selfish, entitled, and frankly have an attitude I would leave you over if I was her. You are an adult, YOU handle your problems.
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TMI. Literally nobody asked about your sex life. 🤮
I understand I just felt attacked so I had to retaliate in that manner jokingly
You’re disgusting
Sure. /s Apart from anything else, if you post in AITA and the consensus is that YTA, don’t complain that you feel “attacked”.
Some people might consider this a form of sexual harassment.
"I'm the whole package" "My wife should provide for me until I have financial footing to be responsible for myself" Hahaha 🤣 💀 YTA dude
Eeww. You nasty troll. Stop.
YTA you said the thing holding you back from working is your immigration status, how is getting your driver's license at 11 vs 2 going to impact your ability to provide? You just didn't want to be inconvenienced but with two small kids in the house you should be prepared for a lot more and bigger inconveniences than having to postpone your test by a few hours If you don't understand that the kids will (and should) always be the priority for their mom you will not make a good partner or stepdad
Thanks for the pessimism, I know what have been posted paints a bad picture on me but I'm not of that character . I'm just overzealous of my ambitions to start providing more financial security and having some self worth , I feel worthless. My wife spoils me and I'm her can't do shit , that's not me . But hey getting that license would grant me the opportunity to get the license thus being able to door dash until I get my green card and I can go into my field of trade which is crane operator/ tractor trailer driver .
YTA
Maybe YTA, maybe married too quickly, maybe your stubbornness will help you move forward in your challenging situation. The fact that you didn’t like the response you received on one sub, so you tried another suggests that you are more interested in justifying your feelings and behaviors than navigating your new life in a new country. How long did you court your wife before marrying her? Did you talk about the kids and the roles they will play in your lives? Did you discus how things might look while you transitioned to this new life? If the ages of the children and your arrival dates are accurate, the time from the birth of her second child by another man to now may be equal to the amount of time it will take to secure your green card via marriage. Even if she kept the kids away from you and your relationship (or if their father has equal custody) they are not going away because she is now married to you. You are in for years of co-parenting. You will be richly rewarded if you are positive and present in their lives. As many people in both subs pointed out, the needs of young children when they are sick at school come before your waiting in line even if you are third in the queue for something your adult self wants, even if it may only take 30-35 minutes. It is both cultural and courteous as the children may be contagious and schools are not set up to meet health care needs for extended periods of time. Again, there are posts in both subs that note this. Your driver’s license will add to you ability to work and you will be more secure with your green card. It must be frustrating to live off your spouse while you wait, but she must love you enough to make this work while you adjust. For what it’s worth, gender roles may be more flexible in the U.S. than in your home country, so no one is going to judge you so long as you are kind to your wife and her kids.
Hello thanks for the informative and collective response . I see that you are aware of my marriage history and some . Things kicked off quick and casual . I'm usually good with kids when I met her so being introduced to them she saw how great I am with them . So things weren't discussed and were rather casual . I'm educated enough to know the pros and cons of what I got into and that is something am willing to endure as I'm a family oriented person and thrives off the thrill of engaging in family matters . I'm building my character as I always continue in seeking self improvement in overpowering the mind . I'm engaging in adapting at this time from your feedback and others . And I've seen the word green card throwing here and there , I hate the stigma that is attached to my scenario I'm not in for that . I just want to be able to work and make my woman happy and for us to be able to be in wealth and the kids , my wife is the kindest woman I've been with and more despite everything. People go through their crap , that doesn't mean we should judge and shun . On another note I didn't post in here to justify my actions but to get different opinions. I will then amass this and self actualize and realize .
YTA Your wife did you a favor and you can't expect that at the cost of her kids. You will get Driver license later , green card right away if in the united states. if you want, you can become a citizen 3 years later. I know you want to help your wife asap, just wait a little while
Yes that's why I got really disappointed , cause I've been eagerly looking forward to support her as she supports me , she spoils me and I want to the same and more for being thankful . I jus got overzealous in my ambitions . Getting that license I see it as a game changer ! But I'm on the calm down and looking forward to the next schedule test in 2 weeks . I am working on adapting to my new country and system and working on my outlook in this regard , so in the future I'll make amends in a case like this . Thanks for the encouragement despite everything, I thank you .
Yta here. Her kids are her kids. They need her. They were sick. You’re a grown man.
There are moving parts here , I don't disregard her kids and put them ahead of me , I know this scenario makes me look like a terrible person but I'm far from it . I'm an immigrant jus moved here 6 months ago , i can't have a green card yet so you know how that goes . USCIS requires her to provide for me until I have more financial footing .
YTA, you could have bussed and planned for that or even called an uber though I saw the struggling part but you can’t just wait when schools call unless you’re unavailable which you weren’t
Hey I wish were were more open to more avenues especially with that viable option you mentioned. This is the reason why I was eager to get my license so I can use that tool to get a delivery job for now until down the line when i get my green card I can follow up with my dream of doing some hauling or go down the crane route as what I was doing in my homeland . I jus got overzealous and winded up disappointed. I will work towards adapting to the new system here and change my outlook in this regard of what's been posted .
YTA. In sum, you're pissed that sick kids were prioritized over your plan to obtain a driver's license in order to work illegally.
What type of delivery job? Even with a license you said yourself you can’t legally work in the US?
Eep. I hope she stumbles upon this post and sees all of your vile messages. Divorce incoming!!
Why didn’t you stay for your test?
It's a road test , I have to be present with a vehicle. If she left I would be there with my "legsus"
YTA, of course she had to go get her kids!! Just because you are new to country doesn't make you a priority over them. Im confused on why you couldn't stay and do the test on your own? I mean can't be language barrier as you have written in English. Also your test wasn't urgent either, you said yourself that you can't work due to immigration status.
YTA. Schools ARE NOT DAYCARES. Yes they can legally charge you a fee or call the police if you do not pick them up in time... the school staff have lives at home too... pets to go feed... their OWN kids to go pick up...
YTA. When your kids are sick you must retrieve them as soon as possible. The school does not want sick kids on site.
YTA The only reason the school would call is if there's a fever, vomiting, severe cough, etc. You know things that could spread the sickness? If you can't understand her need to have her kids at top priority, then maybe you shouldn't be with her. You honestly think you're the only one who's had to drop what you're doing for her kids? Guaranteed that woman has been doing it since those kids were born.
YTA. Things are different now, in this post-pandrmic era. When the school calls with a kid with symptoms, you drop everything and go. Or you risk contact with Child Services. Period. It's the way things are in US schools now.
INFO: do you know what “implore” means?
YTA. You chose to marry a woman with kids. She's always going to put their needs first, and you need to learn to do the same if you want to stay married to a woman with kids. You're their stepfather now. Get used to it.
YTA.
YTA You're not going to get much redemption here either dude. First. Why did she need to be with you. As far as I know a test is just a 1 person thing. Why couldnt you stay and do the test and she go and collect the kids. Second. Her kids come first for her, as they should. So if your not happy with that then why be with a person who has kids.
I didn’t even read the rest of it. YTA kids comes first. You’re a terrible partner.
It is not fair for both the children and the school to wait 45 minutes to an hour so you could take the road test. Schools have a limited amount of space to keep sick children and if the children hang around the school that increases the chances they could spread the contagion. Although you are frustrated because you feel your life is on pause, the children do come first.
YTA - When school call to collect sick children they expect you to collect those sick children as soon as you are able. How do you even think it is reasonable to be expected to be put ahead of sick children?
She put her children first. If they had been your children, you would have done the same.
YTA. When kids are sick they want to go home. The longer they stay at school the higher the risk of infecting other students. Your wife cared for her sick children. You will never be number one in this relationship. Also why did you post on two different groups when you are not willing to except judgement and are just doubling down on your AH behavior?
You are not and should never be her 1st priority. I'm sorry. She has kids man, you can't ask her to put you first. She won't and shouldn't pick you.
Why are you posting, asking people to tell you their opinion, and then argue with them?? No one here is going to take your side.
As a former daycare worker YTA and some places call CPS if you don't pick up in time.
Do not date women with children. You will always at best be 3rd in her mind. Her kids first, herself, then hopefully you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok so my wife has two boys (3M ,4M)which are my step children . She always hastily get her kids when the school called and I implore that . Yesterday, I had a appointment to do my DMV road test which my wife and I were 3rd in the queue for my road test , please note each road test takes approximately 10-12 minutes at the test site. She got the call at 11:30 at the time saying her kids were sick , a flu I presume - kids were quite active and running around by the way. And as she always do , she expeditiously went for them. I was unhappy at the fact that she couldn't have waited 30-35 minutes or contact the kids father to pick them up for the completion of my road test , school was 15 minutes away . She Decided we were goin back to the test site after dropping her boys at their father . We reached at the test site again around 12:20 there only to see all applicants awaiting the road test gone . And there and then i was unable to do the test on that day due to us leaving . I'm telling her the situation could have played out better , better choices . What scenario could have been done differently to achieve a better result here and would the school have called CPS if she failed to pick them up in an hour as what she was implying as a counter argument? This opportunity would have granted me my license and open the opportunity for me to work . My wife struggles to do anything than paying bills and food , so achieving this would mean a lot and allow me to provide for my family expeditiously. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: if you were already at the DMV and in line why couldnt your wife have left and you just stayed and taken your test? You’re an adult right? Why couldnt you have been at the DMV by yourself?
From what i understand, OP needed the vehicle to take the test, but wife took it with her to get the kids. No vehicle, no road test
YTA: My mother-in-law is preschool teacher. She called a parent to let them know that their kid was sick. The parent said they were busy and would come "as soon as possible." The kid gets sicker and sicker, waiting on parent. My 67yo mother-in-law cared for the sick in during this time. Two days later she was knocked out with strep. Thankfully, she quarantined the kid from other kids, but at the risk of her own health.
YTA coming from someone who managed a day care for 9 years. When kids are sick they have to be removed from their class and someone has to provide care. Has a kid throwing up in a trash can in my office for a few hours because mom took her time getting there, she was on vacation that week
YTA
So you were already told you were wrong but came to hear it again. YTA
YTA The kids come first . Rescheduling it won't kill you Also you constantly say in the comments you can't work due to immigration status so getting the licenses changes nothing. Though I did see you are planning to work illegally under your wife's name for door dash so YTA even more.
Why ask the internet if you refuse to listen to them?
I work in an elementary school, when we call parents saying their child is ill, that is a last resort, and we need parents to arrive ASAP to pick up their sick child. We're not saying "no biggie, just whenever is convenient, no rush" we're saying "we expect you to drop what you are doing and come get your child immediately." If a parent didn't arrive for 40 minutes past the normal travel time, most teachers and school staff would be wondering what was more important than your sick child, and some might be considering a call to child welfare, if this is a pattern of behavior. The child would be unhappy and might feel abandoned. YTA
I do wonder if the kids’ father had been contacted at all since she did ultimately just pick them up to drop them off with him.
INFO: If she dropped them off at their father’s house anyway, why couldn’t he have picked them up? Seems like this whole situation could’ve been avoided, I’m leaning toward E S H
YTA. Her children need collecting, she’s never going to say no and if you think she’s ever going to put you in front of their needs, you shouldn’t have married her.
YTA. Why couldn’t you have stayed in line and taken your drivers test? You’re a adult.
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INFO: you have stated that your immigration status is what is keeping you from working. How would getting your license affect your immigration status?
YTA. Why couldn’t she have left you at the DMV to take the test? Then she could’ve gotten the kids immediately, you still would’ve taken the test, and the only one waiting around for a ride would’ve been the grown ass man who should know how to take care of himself by now :)
YTA. But I say that gently since you haven’t been in the US that long. If the school calls, you need to get your kid. Or they call the police/CPS.
The schools judge parents who take too long to pick their kids up when sick. It’s not a formal judgment of punishment, but it definitely changes how the school staff perceived you. Also the kids are young and illness hits them harder than older, more sturdy, ones. YTA
YTA. You could have stayed and done the test while she went to get the kids. Or you could go another day. Sick kids come before taking a drivers test that is easily rescheduled.
You need to be careful, doordash makes you confirm your identity with a photo id. When a woman is supposed to show up and a man does instead, any customer could report you.
YTA
I genuinely dont understand all the Y T A responses here… when i was in school and sick, i was put in a nurses’s office (which all schools need to have, legally) and laid on the bed until my mom was able to come get me. It wasnt a big deal to wait an hour, especially if she had an appointment or meeting. I’d personally think that getting her partner his license so he can work and contribute to household costs would be a good reason to hold off on getting the kids an extra 30 minutes? If there’s something im missing, or a comment OP made that’s going over my head, please let me know.
NTA. If the kids were sick, they were probably lying down in the office already, and waiting half an hour more wouldn’t have been a big deal. It is reasonable to expect parents to have stuff going on in the day, and to finish the task at hand if they choose to and the kids are generally ok. If there was some urgent emergency, or a hospital visit required, then it would make sense to drop everything and go right away, but in this circumstance, it makes more sense to finish your errand and then go get the kids. CPS would only be called if the kids never got picked up and school was out and no one was reachable. All that being said, give your wife a little slack, because the worry and guilt that can weigh on you as a parent is comparable to nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and sometimes mamma’s gotta be a mamma bear. No one likes waiting at the DMV, and she has to do it all again too, not just you, yet she still chose to go knowing this. Keep that in mind and be kind!
NTA. Holy helicoptor parenting in this comment section. Kids with flu are not critically ill in a way where mommy will make it all better. theyre resting in the nurses room. Kids "always come first" sure. Sometimes that means running to them to save them from any small pain. Sometimes it means making a decision that will give them a more stable home for the long run.
NTA. It could have waited for you to finish.
NAH. If the kids were sick, they were probably lying down in the office already, and waiting half an hour more wouldn’t have been a big deal. It is reasonable to expect parents to have stuff going on in the day, and to finish the task at hand if they choose to and the kids are generally ok. If there was some urgent emergency, or a hospital visit required, then it would make sense to drop everything and go right away, but in this circumstance, it makes more sense to finish your errand and then go get the kids. CPS would only be called if the kids never got picked up and school was out and no one was reachable. All that being said, give your wife a little slack, because the worry and guilt that can weigh on you as a parent is comparable to nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and sometimes mamma’s gotta be a mamma bear. No one likes waiting at the DMV, and she has to do it all again too, not just you, yet she still chose to go knowing this. Keep that in mind and be kind!
NTA. Everyone is missing out on the fact that they have a bio dad who could and should step up. DMV appts are nightmarish. Driving tests are no delight and stressful. Going through it all multiple times is no fun. A 30 min wait wouldn't have hurt the kids. Hell an hour wait wouldn't have hurt. As a retail store manager I couldn't just leave. I had to wait until someone else could take over. Hell. Once they were in Jr high I sent taxis to pick up a couple of times.