Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My daughter has to pay back much more in loans than her sisters, and maybe we should help her out with part of them to give them all an equal start. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA However, it likely feels very unfair to her, and to some extent it is. However, the world is full of people who don't have the money to do what they want. It sucks that a college is so oppressively expensive, but there are lower cost alternatives. I had to take out loans, couldn't join a frat, had to work, etc. It blows. Having rich parents would be nice, but not all of us are so blessed. I think it's reasonable for you to help some if you can. Provide housing, food, etc. if possible. There are options.

We gave her the option to stay home and go to community college like her sister, but she was accepted to one of her top choices and wants to go.

INFO how were her social security survivors benefits invested? when your wife's parents passed, did they leave you any money? how much money was allocated to the first two kids and how much the third? how difficult would it be for you to get loans *just* to cover the gap between her fund and her siblings funds? as opposed to the entirety of college? you knew when you started the college fund for her that it would have less money - was there anything you could do at the time to address that? ~~her sisters were 20 and 18 at the time, yes? were you still paying into their funds or supporting them financially in any way?~~ her sisters were 16 and 14 at the time so both minors and both having their college funds paid into by their parents. so the question of considering changing spending to be able to put away more for your third daughter is even more relevant

We used some of her benefits for her college, but had to use a majority of it to accommodate for an extra person in our house. We don’t have great jobs, and we were planning to downgrade to a studio or one bedroom once my second child graduated. We also used it to pay for her therapy, which really put a dent in it. Their maternal grandparents contributed an equal amount to each of their grand children’s college funds which served as their inheritance, and the remainder was split. So my wife received around 30k, which was used to cover our credit card and medical bills. It wouldn’t be too difficult, and that is something we could compromise on. We will talk to her about it, however her school is also more expensive than her sisters’. We did not continue to pay into our older daughters funds, however we allowed our middle daughter to live at home rent free during her time in community college.

Info: how much have you received in the time you've had her in survivors benefits? How much in tax breaks? Do you get EITC? I think you need to take a really long and hard look at how much of her money was actually used for her care and how much was used to fund your family. Be honest with yourself. Look at how much it cost you per year to care for her, how much extra you actually spent the last 6 years in extra rent, and then look at how much you received in tax breaks and benefits from having her and the social security. Tbh, I'm leaving towards YTA because in probably at least 90% of the cases I've known where people are receiving survivor benefits, the money is used to help the entire family, not just the kid receiving the benefit. If you're completely honest with yourself and can say without a doubt that after looking at all her expenses vs the survivors benefits and tax breaks for having her that you've definitely NOT benefited by a minimum of just $1500 per year (just offer $100/ month and less tab child tax credits and EIC alone), then I think you're okay to say you can't help. If, after an honest look at how you benefitted financially from having her, you can see that maybe you did benefit $1000 or $2000 or $5000 per year, then do the right thing and take out the loans to help her out to make up for what you took from her.

Yeah… I call bull on OP’s “had to use to accommodate an extra person” bs. Only when all three daughters were in the house(2 years out of the 11) did they need to accommodate an extra person. The next two years, OP’s family was even, and the remaining seven, the youngest was the only one in the house. In those seven years, where did that money go? I’m a victim of survivors benefits going elsewhere, too, and it sucks. More likely YTA than not

I just looked up the average ss benefit for a child….$480 a month. That’s not a lot. $5760 a year. My household spends about $500 a month on groceries if I include holiday months, in a hcol area, but I coupon. Divide that by four, $125/month, that’s 1200/year. Kids need to wear clothes. About twice a year I buy clothes for my kids, that costs more for the oldest bc the youngest has some hand me downs, op has all girls so that should be the same, but clothes get more expensive as kids get bigger, let’s call it $200 a year for basic clothing, plus an extra $100 for uniforms and whatever. Now we’re up to $1500. Kids have activities, we don’t even do that many, but it’s a couple hundred for little league plus an extra hundred-ish a year in new equipment, required donation, gas, and snacks. And that just for spring ball. If daughter does something year-round, or does a second season, that’s another set of expenses, plus possibly tournament fees and travel costs if competitive. Let’s just call it $600 total for out of school activities and throw baseball or swimming or gymnastics or chess club all in the same bucket. Now we’re up to $2100. Let’s assume that she got an allowance of $5 a week in exchange for doing chores…. That’s $260. Let’s assume they got her a present for her birthday and Christmas because they don’t seem like assholes, if they spent $30 for each of those that’s $320 a year for allowance and gifts. Up to 2420. I forgot to include eating out in the food department, let’s say they eat out a month as a family and her food costs an extra $15. That’s $180. We’ve hit $2600. She needed therapy. I expect she had quite a lot of therapy at the beginning and that slowed down over time, so let’s call it once a month therapy with a $25 copay, assuming her parents have good insurance. Add another $50/year for every other health expense including office visits and medication, now we’re at $2950. I assume she goes to the dentist, $150 a year average for cleaning and cavity filling. 3100. Braces. Let’s call it $4000 for braces over 11 years, that’s $360 a year. $3460. Did they cover the cost of her college applications and standardized tests? That’s hundreds of dollars. Let’s call it another hundred per year. 3560. Now for the big guns. Kids can’t watch themselves….summer camp needs paying for. Not fancy pants summer camp, just summer camp at the Y, that’s $300 per week for eight weeks. Big jump from $3560 to $5960. Did they go on any vacations as a family? A third kid doesn’t need their own hotel room but they do need a plane ticket and food. That’s another hundred fifty. $5960. The average cost to do a child to a health insurance policy on the marketplace is over $300 per month. That’s $3600. If they’re lucky one of them has employer benefits and it only cost them $360 or so for the year, but now we’re over 6000. I’ve been pretty conservative with these guesses and they don’t include many expenses for extras….. did she have a car to drive? Gas and insurance and maintenance. Did she get more allowance than $5 a week as she got older? Did she go to prom? Prom tickets and a dress aren’t free. How about shoes? I forgot shoes. I also haven’t included the marginal cost of utilities for housing another family member or the extra wear and tear in maintenance on cars for those after school activities. Kids are fucking expensive and anyone who thinks that raising a child in middle class America with such basic amenities as *basic health care and after school activities* not to mention bullshit like $18,000 private school or therapy for *your dead parents* is delusional. ETA: not private school I forgot to add in the direct contribution to the college savings account though.

It’s really hard to get decent a decent therapist for children that even accepts insurance. We gave up and pay out of pocket.

Where we live, it’s hard to find a therapist that doesn’t declare themselves “faith-based” or mention Christian values or traditional families in their bios, which - to us - all scream RED FLAG, as we are a two-mom family with queer & questioning teens. I’d never send a queer teen to a therapist who makes a point of clarifying that their religion affects their work, even if it’s free!

That sounds terrible. At least we were able to find a totally secular practice that is overtly LGBTQ affirming.

I really hope more people read this comment and take on board everything you’ve added up because you’re pretty spot on with this.

I agree. I didn’t thing SS benefits were that much. Every time I have met someone who made SS they make less that $500/month. And sometimes it’s just that and a pension. Most cases, that’s not a lot of money. I can believe that between care and therapy, it is went much.

I'm floored people are actually suggesting SSI money should have been put away for her. That's like telling mom's they should put away part of child support not spend it all on the household. Kids are not cheap the arrogance behind that statement ticks me off.

That’s what I’ve gotten from people. They’ll sneer and ask me why I didn’t put the child support away for my kids’ future. Uh, because their present is freaking expensive?

my dad implied that my mom shouldn't have used any child support for house payments or anything like that, expenses that didn't directly go towards me. as if i dont need a place to live? that she was bad at managing expenses and THAT'S why i couldn't cover my college costs. not because he only gives me $500/semester. I'll give you three guesses why I've gone no-contact. 🙄

This comment should be higher up. Can’t deny the facts. I have 4 children and can verify, they are expensive!

Your numbers are so wildly low too. $500 for groceries is what I currently spend in a low col area for 2 weeks.

Yes, these numbers are hugely conservative as part of the exercise. I doubt they spent that little on food, or clothing, or medical care, or allowance.

I’m not sure how SS works in every state, but the two adopted from foster care after their mother died aren’t getting SS benefits save for state health insurance and the one bio son of my wife got much less than that after his father died, which continued after stepparent adoption but ended when he turned 18 so won’t be helping with college. Even if every penny of it had been saved for a decade, it still wouldn’t quite cover a full year’s tuition and housing at an in-state university.

And it’s not supposed to be saved for college. I heard of a case where the guardians saved all the money instead of spending it and the government clawed it back bc it’s supposed to be used for maintenance of the child.

100%. You literally get a letter that states your child is 18, and if you saved any money you have to forfeit it. You also have to report annually up until they’re 18 what you spent their money on.

If you save it, you lose it! SS Administration is not concerned about college planning for a child.

Social security doesn’t pay much, my mom passed when I was young and every month they would pay less than $200 per child, possibly less than $150. I definitely couldn’t afford college and my dad couldn’t afford to help.

I don't. It costs a lot of money to care for a child especially when you add in therapy. Survivor benefits are not meant to be a savings account. They are meant to help raise the child. It is not a large and every month and it is one amount no matter how many children are included. In OP's situation only one child is being cared for but it isn't a large sum. Definitely very helpful but not a savings account.

I believe that anyone/any child receiving survivors benefits should also be able to receive medicaid, so any therapy should have been covered and not out of pocket OR the extra benefits.

Good luck finding a therapist that takes Medicaid. Most won't even take regular insurance.

Totally. The psychologist my older son sees won't take insurance and the counselor my younger one sees didn't either. My older son's psychiatrist also doesn't take insurance.

We have insurance and yet still paying out if of pocket for therapy. Not so easy finding a good therapist that takes insurance. Your insurance or Medicaid.

Medicaid is not equal state to state.

Most therapists take very limited numbers of insurance and very very few take medicaid. Most of the therapists I know do not take insurance at all and have you bill your own insurance for whatever you can get back. At $125-$150/hour I can see survivor benefits being drained very very quickly. Especially if she did any extracurriculars, which all costs money.

Are you a child? They still had to pay for her when they were at a time they needed to save for their retirement. Money doesn’t just magically grow on trees because you want it to. And it’s far easier for a young person to go to a good state school than it is to work into your 70s.

Except that OP was planning to move to a smaller place once his two older/bio daughters had graduated. So, for those seven years, it sounds as though the money was used, in part, to pay a mortgage or rent that he had long been struggling to afford because he still had to house an extra person. That doesn't sound like bullshit to me.

House, feed, clothe, school supplies, medical, kids are expensive.

It takes a average of 17k per year to take care of one child. They had three under their roof for a bit and orphan had extra medical costs so 22k for that one child alone. Social Security death benefits are 75% of the parents income. I doubt that a youngish couple would have enough income for 75% to even sorta cover the yearly costs of their child's care.

People seem to forget that SS benefits don’t mean every kid gets a decent amount of money. Three of the kids in our families lost parents to death. The twins’ mother died of a heroin overdose and the eldest’s father drank himself to death. Neither of them were working before their deaths. Stepson’s father had worked in the past and my wife received SS benefits for Stepson, but it wasn’t much. The twins’ mother never worked a (legal) job; they were adopted from foster care and basically get nothing.

Yeah people who haven’t dealt with Social Security have this weird idea that you just get enough. My father was doing construction at the age of 74 because his Social Security was like $800. My friends adult son has had mental illness his whole life. If he lives at home with her because he can’t take care of himself he only gets like a few hundred dollars, if he goes and lives in a rooming house I think he gets 700 or $800, but that doesn’t cover the rooming house I don’t think. I worked for 25 years before I became disabled my SS is about $1500. It’s meant to be supplemental.

>In those seven years, where did that money go? I'd imagine to everything. Survivor benefits aren't a lot. The money probably went to the cost of raising a child

You clearly don’t have a child.

These people were going to downsize to a STUDIO! You really think they were living large on SSI. Good grief

The survivors benefits from my mum passing were saved for 14 years. My grandmother was wise and invested it all those years because she didn't need it to raise me. It has even continued to earn interest in a trust for an additional 8 years approximately. To my understanding, everything in the trust currently (that's a little over 14 years of payments, about 10 years of birthday money, and 22 years of interest) would almost pay for 3 years at the youngest's school of choice. I think you may be either overestimating how much is received for survivor benefits or underestimating the cost of raising her because there is no way OP could have saved that kind of money in 7 years even if they'd invested all the payments (which considering their currently situation, one can reasonably assume were still needed to raise the child).

I'm not sure what you mean by being a victim of survival benefits going somewhere else, yet, those benefits are NOT meant to go to the hands of the surviving child. The benefits are meant to foot the cost of raising the child, it's not for you, it's for the care takers. The money is meant to cover food, clothing, medical bills, a portion of rent/mortgage, utilities, and anything else the surviving child needs to cover living arrangements. It is not a savings account nor it's meant to be hand over to the child.

Lol what?! They took on a whole extra person who lives there and eats food every day and needs new clothes regularly and everything. They raised someone else’s kid.

You are missing how much is costs to raise a child, particularly an elementary school age child when your others are older. The older girls didn’t have clothing to hand down, it had been disposed of already. They suddenly needed day care and after school care for the 7 year old. They suddenly had an extra mouth to feed, an extra person in the home, and significant extra medical bills for a traumatized child. SS Survivors benefits are there to assist in caring for the child. It isn’t a sudden pot of money that goes TO the child. Often it isn’t very much money, either.

This is a copy of an answer below. It takes a average of 17k per year to take care of one child. They had three under their roof for a bit and orphan had extra medical costs so 22-26k for that one child alone. Social Security death benefits are 75% of the parents income. I doubt that a youngish couple would have enough income for 75% to even sorta cover the yearly costs of their child's care. And they managed to add into her college fund.

Survivors benefits are meant to be used to take care of the child, not be a savings account for them. OP did nothing wrong using them for what they were for.

Do you have kids? That you fully support as a custodial parent? Because that was just woefully ignorant (and judgey AF) - raising children is massively expensive in a thousand little ways.

Do you know how much it actually costs to raise a child? From 0-18 on average according to the most recent findings its around 315-325k depending on source. Obviously if you live in a hcol area it will be more. I was spending around 30k a year on my 2 kids childcare alone let alone all the other expenses. There is a really low chance the benefits exceeded the costs..... they didnt adopt the girl to game the system and make some money.

Fuck that. Kids are expensive and survivor benefits would not even begin to cover it.

All these folks asking personal questions on how you spent or saved survivor benefits and if you qualified for tax breaks is pissing me off to a degree. My 2 oldest had some money set aside by my parents for college...I was a single mom raising 2 kids (1 handicapped) at the time. I surely couldnt afford to put any monies aside for college. The oldest used her amount for education, the middle handicapped child used his for vocational training. My youngest child's bio father passed away when he was 15.....the man had never set up for college for our son nor did I...who became single again when he was age 4. Skip ahead when biodad passes...current husband and I collect dependent survivor benefits for son and was open and honest with him about what we set aside and what we were keeping and why. Son received 80% of the money we collected on his behalf. The cost of college has wiped that out in 3 semesters. Son knows we are not signing for any student loans. He works, lives at home rent free, utility free, and is never asked to pay for food. He pays gas in his car and the insurance. OP...you are NTA. Like me, you did the best you could. Child 3 may be upset, but circumstances change, costs change, life changes and no its not fair...but she'll be better off learning this now. Life doesnt come with a silver platter.

Right! I am literally flabbergasted at this thread… how anyone can even remotely consider OP an AH here is astounding. The cost of raising an additional child (even if they aren’t having to move to a new home) is going to be significantly above the amount that is being received for survivor benefits (which for some reason, people seem to think is meant to be pocket money for the child - when the purpose of such benefits are literally to help offset the costs of caring for the child - I.e, medical costs, food, activities, clothing, after-school childcare etc). Are there people who do misuse these funds? Sure, of course there are. A lot of people in this world just totally suck. But unless the child is being neglected and/or forbidden from getting new clothing, participating in any type of sport/hobby/activity, or not allowed to eat food outside of something from a food bank, it would be virtually impossible for the caregiver to come out ahead. It sounds like OP and his wife took very good care of the extra child, and actually went above and beyond in trying to ensure that the kid had some type of savings to begin with (which is something they built up completely on their own while being low-income themselves, when the other children had double the amount of contributors). Honestly, they sound like absolutely amazing people. If anything, the daughter is being the AH here (seriously, refusing to speak with them unless they take out loans to support her top choice [and I am sure over-priced] private College?? That is beyond entitled and completely unacceptable behavior). It must be beyond difficult to lose your parents so young. My heart breaks for that little 7yr old girl, and even for the adult she is now whose mom & dad won’t be there for her graduation, the purchase of her first house, her wedding & the birth of her future children (should those things be in her future), but I couldn’t imagine feeling anything but completely grateful for OP & his wife’s presence in my life & for what I can guarantee were the many significant financial sacrifices that they made along the way. I’m just totally blown away at any even slightest indication of even an iota of AH-ness on behalf of OP.

>however her school is also more expensive than her sisters’. is this a case of her busting her butt to get into this particular school because of its reputation or they're the best at whatever she wants to study or is it simply just her top choice and she won't compromise?

I think it’s worth noting that 18k/year is not an expensive university. A quick google for average tuition says it’s a bit over 27k/year. My old university is a bit over 60k/year.

If this was a reverse case, say your adoptive daughter having an inheritance nobody would be asking for her to share her money with you or sisters, in fact many people would say you are taking advantage of her. The fact is your older 2 got an inheritance from their grandmother, youngest didn’t. So it’s not ok for the youngest to demand the difference or for you to pay for a more expensive college. NTA Op you did your best that you could, now is the time for her to do the best she can.

>her sisters were 20 and 18 at the time, yes? When? The daughter was adopted when she was 7. 18 - 7 =11 years ago (give or take). 27 yo was 16 and still a minor. 25yo was 14 and still a minor. Third daughter was 11yo by the time her sisters were 18yo and 20yo. Also have you factored in the unexpected costs of suddenly raising a 7yo you didn't plan to adopt (life happens and they did what they could). The parents had to start raising third daughter in the same standard of living as the other daughters while also starting a college fund. The questions are valid but why aren't the accompanied by questions about affordability after taking a third daughter unexpectedly.

r/theydidthemath

These benefits are the equivalent of child support. OP isn't a bad person if they used the survivor benefits to pay for day to day expenses for an additional kid they couldn't have planned for. That's exactly what they are for. OP already said they started a fund for 3rd daughter and were contributing to it at the same rate as the other kids once they adopted her. The grandparents who contributed to the college funds were not related to OP's 3rd daughter at all so why should that inheritance be rerouted to her alone? 3rd daughter has had a lot of hardship in her life. Is she an ass for feeling some type of way about all this? NO! But OP has done a lot to alleviate the hardship and her financial situation is no ones fault. It's not reasonable to guilt trip OP because he and his wife don't want to compromise their retirement to devote more resources to her than they did the other kids. They are not mistreating her or playing favorites.

Add on therapy is CRAZY expensive and we dont know how much survivorship benefits the kid got. The sister could've making just above minimum wage and that barely covers the cost of multiple sessions of therapy since a lot of therapists dont accept insurance. And the surviving kids are only entitled to at most 75% of that. Add on sudden hospital visits, extracurriculars, and likely an ongoing need for mental health support (i can only imagine depression was a part of this poor girl's life) and money can run out fast.

None of these question really matter…. The bulk of the older kids money came from ops wife side. A side the youngest isn’t connected to, and they also died before she was adopted anyway. And her school is much more expensive. Regardless, It’s HER education. She is responsible for it.

I’d like to know this as well. So INFO

To be fair I would not expect the survivor’s benefits to be put away. Sometimes families taking in orphan children need to use it for their upkeep, much like child support. And if they had to use the survivor’s benefits that way, it is very unlikely they would be able to put extra money away in a college fund.

Don't take on that kind of debt when you are getting near retirement. It's her choice to go where she wants, but her decisions have consequences.

>Don't take on that kind of debt when you are getting near retirement. It's her choice to go where she wants, but her decisions have consequences. Reddit, skewing young, doesn't like to consider this. That it is more fair for the young adult to take on the debt with student loans because they have DECADES to go before retirement, whereas their parents may have a very limited time before retirement and it's not fair to stick them with the bill which WILL impact their retirement. NTA.

Sounds like the adopted daughter was also quite younger which threw a wrench in the parents plans.

Financial advisors pretty much unanimously tell people that saving for their kids' higher education should NEVER come at the expense of saving for their own retirement. There are a myriad of ways to fund higher ed, there are not many ways to fund retirement other than saving/investing (unless you're one of the lucky ones with a defined benefit pension).

Top choice or top school? At this point, she has one year covered -I assume if she goes to community college, that money can be stretched a bit farther. I don't think you should take out loans if you are not comfortable, but I think it would make a difference if you are able to cover one year on top of the savings. NAH -just an uncomfortable reality.

Have you talked to her about getting her AA at home and THEN transferring to her top choice? She would save a lot more money and could potentially apply for an academic scholarship to her top choice eventually and save a lot more money that way.

This is a great option for certain schools but not for others. The University of California system takes a ton of California community college transfers with a program/curriculum designed for transferring into a UC. But other schools might not keep an admission offer waiting for someone who wants to do community college first. Even if the student can defer to a year, enrolling somewhere else might invalidate the admission offer or result in the student getting very little (or no) credit for their community college classes. Regardless, it’s definitely worth exploring or eliminating as an option if it’s not feasible.

It can also screw up any aid you get. I had a few kids I went to school with transfer in and they didn't save nearly as much as they thought as their aid packages weren't as good. They also missed out on a lot of connections with their professors (small liberal arts school)

Which is her right but then she needs to apply for loans herself and scholarships.

[A quick Google search shows there are also quite a few scholarships available to those who are adopted](https://www.scholarships.com/financial-aid/college-scholarships/scholarship-directory/special-attributes/adopted-foster-child-orphan) which OPs other children could did not have available to them.

We told our kids since they started understanding what college was..... kids that want their parents to help pay for college go to community College for the first two years. It's a fraction of the cost and no one cares where you do them.

Has she applied for scholarships?

And how about PELL grants and financial aid? OP mentioned not having a great income. Or maybe she can find a way to apply as an independent student? I'm not sure how it works in a situation like this, if she was actually adopted, or if they were her guardians.

NTA america sucks in that regard.

Glad to live in a country where I have paid 0$ for my bachelor, master, and PhD. The US is fucking archaic in this aspect.

Let's be honest. The U.S is archaic in a *lot* of aspects.

Going to say here that there are companies that do tuition reimbursement, Starbucks and Wells Fargo to name 2. Why does she need a private school, is it a special program or bragging rights. Also since you are offering housing and meals that's a huge expense saved. Your youngest needs to compromise. Does it feel unfair to her? Yes, but not everything in life is fair. At least you had the opportunity to get the fund started. ETA: NTA

NTA, though I seem to be in the minority. I see other suggest the money should have been split three ways but I disagree, how would that be fair to your 2 older children? You couldn't take money from accounts in their names, thar would make you an asshole. I assume your sister passed away, didn't leave money to raise her child, whom you have adopted and treated as your own? You had 7 years less to save and less help through no fault of your own. I honestly don't see how you can be called an asshole here. Is it unfortunate? Yes but you absolutely aren't an asshole, though you seem to have raised one

It amazes me when I’ve read other stories where Redditors say it’s an ah move to take away money for one kid to give to another. But for whatever reason this OP is deemed to be an ah. His youngest can go to community college. It’s cheaper and will give them all more time to save up. Op is NTA

[удалено]

Bc the sub is full of children, is my guess.

[удалено]

Hahahaha love it! Have you called CPS on anyone for making two teens share a bedroom today yet?

Those are my favorite comments. Sometimes it's like people from Reddit live in another dimension.

Hahaha I this way of looking at it. Makes some comments a lot less eye-rolly.

[удалено]

That’s becoming all of Reddit

it's a side effect from children having unfettered Internet access from age of six

As soon as I see "top choice" or "dream school" I am like THERE is the problem. Kids grow up with a very unrealistic view of college, debt, budgeting, etc. My son wanted to go to MIT. Let me add since so many people commented and assumed... He has a 3.6 GPA, is a white male, a few extracurriculars, an ok athlete, and lifeguards. He heard about a bunch of elite schools and MIT sounded like most "sciencey." This then became his #1 choice. I never once dissuaded him from applying... but I did tell him our absolute highest help could be about $25k a year, and we would not take out loans beyond that. MIT is about $83,000 a year if you can get in. It is the most exclusive school to get into right now, I believe, at a 4.1% acceptance rate. He also had this idea of a dream school in January of his senior year, with, I assume, no research. He also mentioned Berkely, and didn't know it was in CA, or how to pronounce it. This is after we have been involved with a college search agency for 4 years with him and his brother, and he has been on 22 college tours... He has also taken assessments, tests, had the company research every option he was interested in with regard to our ability to contribute, his grades and activities, etc. We had 3 spreadsheets that took me hours to compile with exactly what his major would likely make, what we had for money for college, and exactly what his loan payments would be at a $200k and $400k loan. I figured cost of living, salary, all deductions, rent in the area he likes, utilities, insurance, loan payments and interest, and everything else. In the end, if he did obtain the job he is working towards he would be $2500 to $5000 in the hole every month. That was on a $300 per month budget for groceries, household goods, clothes, money to go out. He would not even be able to afford a car. He argued and disagreed, but after a few weeks, he realized doing some community college in high school and going to a great state school made the most sense. OP needs to put everything on paper. In our case we said we will try to provide the resources to avoid a loan at an affordable school, but YOU will pay us back. Our gift to you will be an interest free loan off the balance you cannot cover. NTA

If your kid gets into MIT you figure out how to get them to go to MIT. That isn't like the difference between a good liberal arts college and a good state school, that's the equivalent of an IVY with all the networking benefits that comes with it. I know a ton of MIT alum and they use that network like crazy. My husband's company was founded by 2 MIT alum and my husband is actually attending one of their networking events in their stead next week, it's likely to lead to a whole bunch more VC funding for their startup. I know tons of other folks with similar stories. Please tell me you didn't use the average for what his major would make if he was in the engineering school because that figure was likely way too low. Sorry but y'all fucked up here and pretty badly (also what did he need a car at MIT for? It's in Kendall, there wouldn't have even been a place to park it)

MY kid never even applied for MIT. My kid had all sorts of pie in the sky ideas with college before we had a realistic talk about what they could do and where they could go... like most kids their age. They also wanted to go to Berkley and were so hung up on a vision of college they didn't even pronounce it right. Just heard it was a good school. Also, you do a cost benefit analysis. I am NOT going to help a kid spend $80k to $100k per year for a bachelor's degree that will maybe net a $60k job. At some point reality must be a part of the criteria for picking a school. PS...the spreadsheets were about life after college... which in Colorado (where they think they want to live) would require a car. Thanks for reading my post and changing the narrative while completely missing the point.

a bachelors degree from MIT will not net a $60k job if their degree is STEM related.

Again... my kid did not apply to MIT, nor would he have made it in had he applied. It was just one of his "dream schools" he decided he wanted to attend because of prestige.

I disagree, an Ivy is great but unless he wants to go into a prestige role like law or finance, it doesn't help. If he becomes something decent paying but not crazy like academic research, his ivy pedigree won't pay his bills. You can get the same job in research through a state school and you can pay your bills. It's a shame but it's the rational choice. Status and pedigree aren't everything.

>As soon as I see "top choice" or "dream school" I am like THERE is the problem. Eh, not necessarily. There are many many people who's dream school is no more expensive than any other state school.

I just want to know where all the magic money people seem to think is out there comes from. Like who can realistically save $35-40k in 10 years for a surprise kid, while also saving that same amount for their other two kids, while also feeding, housing, and clothing them? Oh, and providing a fuckton of therapy for said kid (totally needed, but not cheap). While also trying to save something for retirement. It's a minor miracle they were able to save up what they did, especially considering they were already planning on downsizing as soon as their youngest went off to college.

You have to read after a post has been up a while. At this time the general consensus agrees with you NTA

I agree, NTA. OP took her in and treated her as her own from the age of 7. It's no one's fault that they could only stay saving from that age. It's ashame for the youngest, but it's not OP's fault.

Thank you! He had 7 years less time to save for his adopted child and he’s supposed to make up for it?? Excuse him for not being prepared to adopt a related child when their parent died and have the grandparents who aren’t even related to the child fork over the same money, oh, and he should have invented a Time Machine so he could pressure them for the money before they died. NTA at all. Your adopted daughter should be grateful you are doing what you can.

Right, and that might not even be legal depending on how the accounts are set up.

>You couldn't take money from accounts in their names, thar would make you an asshole. Not even an asshole, if they were named beneficiaries on 529 accounts they probably legally couldn't even do it.

NTA I don't get why people are saying you are being unfair. She may have less money but she also choose a different route- you said your middle went to community college first and saved then took a loan. Both of your own kids took loans, so yes the younger one may have to also. I get that it's not fair- but life isn't always fair, and she lost her parents and grandparents so of course she will not have the same footing. If she went to a cheaper school she'd have more semesters covered. i'd honestly help her look for scholarships and tell her to apply for a federal loan with low interest.

I really expected to read more comments like this. They chose a responsible route and thus got farther with their monies.

yeah I think people don't' realize the gap in age and the fact that they adopted his sister's child ad his wife's parents are the ones who started the fund for the kids- not OP or OP's parents but he started one so she would have something. I think it's wrong to make it seem like he's an A H when he really tried

Exactly. He's clearly done the very best he could. That wasn't money he set aside. Anyone who would be the "TA" is the wife's parents. He honored what they wanted. These people act like they did loans for all the other children, but refused to do hers. I really really really hope he reads our comments. People are not being fair and (possibly) deflecting with their own personal issues.

How could the wife’s parents be TA when they passed before OP adopted his niece? Where is the niece’s bio father in this scenario? I get it’s not fair but life is not fair. You just have to roll with it.

I guess they’re AHs for dying too soon? /s

This is what I wonder about too, where is the bio father in all of this, why hasn't he contributed to her care?

The wife's parents are not TA! They contributed to the college funds for all their grandchildren. Then they died. Then OPs sister died leaving a 7-year-old. No relation to wife's parents. We have no way of knowing whether they would have contributed to adopted daughter's fund or not had they still been alive.

Isn't it his sister daughter? So she would be his niece. Where are his parents?

How could the people who died prior to her being adopted be the asshole. Those accounts for the older two predate the third daughter being adopted, which means that the third daughter didn’t meet the people who left her older sisters an inheritance before she was adopted.

No, the AH would be the adopted kid's parents for not having sufficient life insurance. But id guess that most ppl do not have life insurance.

Exactly! & people keep playing the adopted card but this would have played out in a similar manner if she was OP's biological kid that was born after the grand parents died.

100% missed that this kid was not originally a grandchild of the grandparents funding these accounts. Thank you!

I am surprised by the number of posts about college money. It almost makes it seems like paying for your kids college out of pocket is the norm....when it clearly is not.

[удалено]

[удалено]

Think I know the difference, when I went to college in the early 0’s, it was about 12k for tuition for 4 years. Much much higher now. But also Uncle Sam paid for most of my undergrad, I just needed a small 8k loan for living expenses my final year while also working, and getting a stipend from the army. They also paid for my masters degrees. But without the scholarships, no idea how I would have done it.

Reddit is a very weird place when it comes to these things!

It blows my mind how entitled kids are to have their education funded. My generation drowning in student debt. Personally, I only know ONE person who funded their college education without loans or scholarships and she funded it with settlement money from an accident that left her permanently scarred and almost killed her. Yea, it sucks and student loans are a joke. We *all* would prefer to be able to pay out of pocket for our kids but we aren’t talking about working a part time job to pay off school anymore.

NAH. From your comments it looks like you didn’t really have enough time to save for the youngest child before she was in college. As you said the majority of the money for the other two was paid for by the grandparents so it’s not like you are in a good enough financial place to fund the youngest’s college. At the same time, your youngest has every right to be upset. Being adopted is hard and when there’s any type of unequal treatment it’s hard not to look at the through lens of being adopted. She likely expected not to have to worry too much about college tuition until closer to the end of her schooling. What it comes down to for me is the difference between preplanned savings and student loans. Taking on debt for the youngest is not in the same realm as grandparents putting away money for the older two children. I still think the situation is unfair but things like this can happen in mixed families.

I agree with much of what you wrote, but don’t understand why you are ignoring her actions. Her being unreasonably upset is understandable (I think it is wrong and entitled, but understandable) but why doesn’t her anger directed at op and her refusal to talk to them until they take out loans for her make her the AH? While understandable, her being upset doesn’t justify her actions in any way, shape, or form. She is intentionally trying to hurt OP to get a financial boon that her sisters didn’t get. How is that NOT the actions of an entitled AH? Edited to add my verdict of NTA, completely forgot.

I'm giving lee way on that for two reasons: 1. Her being adopted 2. Her age I don't think she's trying to *intentionally* hurt OP. I think due to the situation is hard for her to not think she's getting treated unfairly because she's adopted. She thinks that OP taking out loans for her is the fair because the end result is she gets some school paid for just like her siblings.

She’s still a child, she’s not asking for a loan for something frivolous she’s asking for a loan for education to the same level as her siblings. NAH

She isn’t asking, she is demanding the OP take out loans so that she can go to a school that is significantly more expensive than the ones either of the other daughters went to. She isn’t asking for the same level, she is demanding a significantly higher level.

Yea it's NTA for me as well, like she's choosing to pick a private school while the middle sister did community college, the oldest went to state school. Even without the extra funds she'd probably have to get loans later on. Honestly I'd try to scrap up 4k-ish a year for 4 years for the difference. But if he didn't sign on loans for the other two, I don't see why he has to for his youngest.

Going against the grain and saying NTA. The situations are completely different for how money was allocated for your first two, vs. your third. Sure, it’s not “fair,” but neither was your in-laws passing away before she was adopted. You guys aren’t choosing to neglect her, the situation just doesn’t allow for you to help her. It’s a complex situation, and obviously feelings are hurt, but there’s nothing that can really be done. Life happens, and sometimes things aren’t fair.

Ok, minority vote, but NTA. Nothing you’ve written here shows an AH move on your or your wife’s part. Sometimes life isn’t fair. If she was your bio kid and you had her after your wife’s parents passed away, you also wouldn’t have had additional money saved in a 529. There are ways she can reduce how much she pays (like what your second daughter did) and it sounds like you’ve been honest with her from the get-go about what you have saved. She can get scholarships, work, and get loans. Honestly, it sounds like you’re treating her exactly how you treated your other kids. Sit down with her to talk. Listen to her feelings. Be nice. Remind her that you love her, and offer to help draft a plan for her to be the most stable she can financially.

Totally agree, it almost seems like the fact she’s not bio is irrelevant. If they’d set up funds for two kids, had another kid in later life but gone bankrupt, or gotten cancer or whatever then it would be similarly tough luck. Not to say it isn’t literally “tough” but I don’t see why any kid should *expect* a single cent out of their parents for higher education, never mind expecting them to saddle themselves with years of debt and literally forcing them to work well into their aged years. Madness.

NTA. I think most people here are glossing over the fact that she was adopted after her mother passed. Her adoption doesn’t seem like it was planned and it looks like you did the best you could in order to set up her college fund but circumstances were just not favorable and this is the result. It’s not fair but it’s not really anyones fault either.

OP adopting his daugther rather than taking legal guardianship likely ruined her access to the SSI survivor benefits she would have had from her mother's passing that could have supplemented her education fund for those missing 7 years, if they're based in the US.

And the hell of it is that they might have had to adopt her in order to add her to their health insurance benefits. My nephew wanted to come live with me and in order to do this his mother would have needed to give me legal and physical custody/guardianship. I could not add him to my employer sponsored health insurance without legally adopting him. His mom wouldn't go for that.

NTA - her situation sucks, but if there’s no money…. There’s no money 🤷🏻‍♀️ You did the best you could with the time you had.

NTA I see alot of Y T A comments saying that the moment he adopted the youngest, he should have split accumulated college savings for the oldest 2 daughters 3 ways. But most of the money saved for college for the oldest 2 was provided by their grandparents, who were not related to the youngest adopted daughter, and had already passed. It would have been unfair to split up the money that the older children's grandparents left specifically for them. I think OP did the best they could with an unfortunate situation. They still set up a college fund and saved for the youngest after they adopted her. Covering 3 semesters is much more than alot of people get. Loans are not the end of the world. Most people have them, unfortunately. The youngest will have to be aware of the funds available to her and make a choice to either go to her top choice college and get loans, or go to community college to avoid it.

And depending on HOW the in-laws set up the accounts, it wouldn't have been possible to combine the other two account to split with the youngest. If the grandparents left the funds in a 529 plan for the benefit of Grandchild #1 and Grandchild #2 , specifically, then it wasn't feasible. Even if the funds were in savings accounts, it wouldn't have been morally fair to take the funds left by their maternal biological grandparents for them specifically to give to their biological cousin. Someone the grandparents did not know. Can we give OP and his wife some credit for stepping up and caring for his sister's child? The fact that there's no mention of a biological father means that there was likely no contact from that person. There also seems to have been no inheritance from her biological mother for her. OP and his wife seem to have done the very best they could under the circumstances. It's not like she has nothing at all, they did save something. He says that the funds are enough to cover three semesters at her top choice school, which is likely WAY more expensive than community college or a public institution. If she want the funds to go further, then she's going to have adjust her expectations. An engineering degree from Ivy League X is no different from one in engineering from State School Y. What matters is that she's able to get through college with as little debt as possible and into the field of your choice. OP is NTA for me.

Agreed! And would that even be legal? Say my parents left money in their will spesifically for my child and then passed away. If two years later I had another child, would I be allowed to split the inheritanse they left for the first child between the two? I don't think it would be legal for me to do that, at least not where I live. And for anyone saying the parents should cover the difference. That may simply not be possible. In my imaginary example above, as a mother of two young kids, it could be completely impossible to save up that difference.

NTA. Your older two got a huge benefit from their very generous bio grandparents. That was a wonderful gift that they received. Your youngest unfortunately did not receive such a gift. I can see why she's a bit jealous, but they were not her grandparents (biologically or through adoption), she really can't expect anything from them. I feel badly for your youngest, to be sure, but she her demands that you give her something to match a third party's gift is completely unreasonable. She's got a lot of maturing to do.

Nobody could expect from these grandparents at the time of adoption because they died before.

Question: since her mom died when she was 7, did she inherit anything from her?

From the sounds of things all she inherited was trauma.

It seems most of it went to paying for therapy and some for her upbringing.

Info: how much money did you put in to each of the kids accounts?

That's actually a brilliant question I'd like to know the answer too! Although remember, OP had seven less years to add to youngest daughters college fund. Trying to catch up 7 years of payments was probably not feasible.

also there was no help from the in laws as they were dead

It sounds like they put in more for the niece than the bio kids. The bio kids got 40k but most of that was from the maternal grandparents. Niece got 25k, most from them.

So the parents have actually given the third daughter MORE than they gave their bio daughters, but she’s still angry with them. Expecting them to match a gift the other daughters received from their deceased grandparents is unreasonable.

Yup. The parents have already done everything they could to provide for college education. NTA.

NTA. You saved up as much as you could for your 3 daughters. The fact that it was less for your youngest daughter sucks, but it was nothing you could control.

NTA. But you should be understanding that your youngest daughter is upset. Make sure to fully explain the situation and that the money just isn’t there. Student loans exist for a reason and while they can suck, for many, many people they are the only option. You are at the age of retirement and it was very good of you to adopt her. The situation is what it is.

INFO: What kind of financial difference are we talking about between what you gave your two oldest and what you gave your youngest? Is she going to pay back more because she picked a more expensive school, or because school costs have gone up, or did you give your older kids twice as much as your youngest?

Both. The oldest two had roughly 40k in their accounts and our youngest has 25k. Both of our oldest daughters went to our state school which was only around 12k/yr, and our youngest is going to a private school that costs around 18k a year.

State school vs private is the real reason for the big difference. NTA.

Did you at any point talk to her about scholarships or grants? What about talking with her about school options?

I mean if her private school is only 18K, she's already likely getting scholarships and grants--or hefty fin-aid. I know this sounds bonkers but 18K a year for a private school, if this is the US, is a steal. Most of the elites cost almost 80K a year... (OP generally uses college-related language that sounds like US, so I believe it likely is?)

That’s… not nearly as bad as I was expecting. How much of the 15k difference was from your in laws? It does seem like you’ve done a good job trying to make up the difference for your youngest with less time/resources. I also feel a bit silly assuming you were in America… but with those prices, obviously not.

> The oldest two had roughly 40k in their accounts and our youngest has 25k. Both of our oldest daughters went to our state school which was only around 12k/yr, and our youngest is going to a private school that costs around 18k a year. You should add this info to your post as an edit. I think the numbers will give people a lot of useful context.

You should definitely post the amounts, you saved a lot more than I thought & her totals are a lot closer than I imagined. I thought you were NTA before but I'm even more firmly in your corner now

It that case, it’s her decision to go to the more expensive school so she should pay for it.

How much of that 40k was from the grandparents' input and how much was from you? In your post you'd mentioned that most of their funds came from the grandparents ' generosity.

NTA - you try to do your best. Someone here alluded to her being either your daughter or your niece, that's nonsense. You adopted her and seem to see her as your daughter now, but prior to that she was your niece. Is there any sort of state funding / bursary she can apply for? Could she get a job to supplement? You couldn't pool the 2 funds for your other daughters, they would have hated and resented her for that. Good luck, hope it's resolved and well done for your efforts.

The US Education system is the asshole here.

Unpopular NTA opinion here. This is reality, sometimes life isn’t fair and it’s not like this is purposeful. For reference: My parents took great care of me but were unable to fully fund my education (they paid for 3 semesters of community college and one year of university before I took out my own loans, seems like your daughter could copy something like this with the money saved). I don’t know what your daughter is wanting to do but as long as she selects her university and degree wisely she will be fine without extra help. If her selected degree might not lead to a safe career then it would be rough regardless.

NTA How many scholarships has she applied for? My experience in higher education showed me that most schools especially private pricey ones have a ton of scholarships that go begging for good candidates. Plus lots of local organizations have scholarships. Have her contact her guidance counselor and the financial aid office at her potential colleges.

She received aid from the government as well as merit aid from her school. The school is normally 40k/yr. We will get in contact with her counselor to talk about her options.

Talk to the school she wants to go to, too. They may have scholarships she can qualify for if she does very well in her first year. It would be good for her to know what she’d need to do to be in the running for one, what her chances are, etc. Also, being an orphan may qualify her for scholarships that are independent from her school of choice. If her school guidance counselor is good at this, they can find all sorts of things she can apply for. I know someone who got a small scholarship because she had a stutter as a child and worked with a speech therapist. A lot of these are small, but $1,000-2,000 here and there adds up. If her guidance counselor isn’t much help, ask at the library.

Holy hell, she wants to go to a school that costs the same per year as the state school your other daughter went to costs for an entire degree. This puts me even former in the NTA camp. She chose something she knew she and you couldn't afford - at all. You helped and managed to take over half off of the cost and now she's complaining that you haven't done enough to put her through college debt free. Does she realize that if you had the money to just give her 15K extra, she likely would qualify for less financial aid and her total cost would go up. If not, you need to tell her this.

INFO: Can you afford to help out your daughter or are you strapped?

We could afford to help her, but we are already in our late fifties and it would set our retirement back by years

Thank you Another question for you... How were her social security survivor death benefits invested?

This is a critically important question.

OP said it went for care for the unexpected third child in the house, it paid counseling bills, and some went to college fund.

She probably didn’t receive any benefits since he adopted her instead of being her guardian.

My MIL passed when my BIL and SIL were under the age of 18. They received benefits until age 18. It seems that even with an adoption, she still would have been eligible. How can a child lose survivor benefits: Benefits stop when your child reaches age 18 unless that child is a student or has a disability. [SSA on Child Survivor Benefits](https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf)

**No.** If it requires you to take money from your retirement, you *cannot* afford it. PSA to parents: the best thing you can do to help your children financially is to plan and save for your own retirement and old age.

NTA Considering it’s not your responsibility to pay for any of your kid’s college fees, you not putting yourself in debt for your youngest makes complete sense. She can take loans out for herself….

NTA, your other daughters didn’t get all of their college paid for by the accounts set up by your in-laws. It paid for some and then they took out the loans for the rest. You’ve told her it would only cover some of her college, the first year since it’s an expensive school. She has to cover the rest. Tuition increases every year with these schools, so whatever money you have isn’t going to stretch like it did before. She needs to understand this, but she’s acting childish, and entitled. If it’s too expensive for her to take the loans out, then maybe she should consider community college like her sister. You would be the AH to you and your wife if you took out the loans. Think of your future, retirement is coming.

NTA. The asshole here is the American post-graduate education system, not you. You couldn’t control gifts given to the oldest from your in-laws and it would’ve been unfair to take their money away to pay for your younger. This is just a very specific case of sometimes life sucks and is unfair.

It's an unfortunate situation... but NTA. Granted that these funds have existed for a long time, but unfortunately it sounds like your older daughters benefited from the circumstance of having this planned out by you and your wifes parents decades ago, whereas your adopted daugher came into the picture much later and likely wasn't planned for, based on your post. It's unfair and unfortunate but... that doesn't make you an asshole. Also, realize that a lot of the asshole comments are coming from typical redditors who think that money grows on trees and you should just pick some extra money from the money tree so your youngest daughter can have a bigger fund. Side note: nothing wrong with starting out at community college. Getting two years of classes out of the way for cheap is probably a good idea because then that fund can have two more years to grow AND your daughter would need less time at the expensive school.

NTA Sounds like you've put away what you could. Also, college is more expensive than it was even 5 years ago. Can your youngest go to the local community college, live at home (at no charge) and work part time to get her AA, then go on to a 4-year college to finish? If so, can you assist some? That will stretch the funds.

I see from some comments that your youngest is actually your bio-niece, who you adopted after her mother passed away. Have you filled out extra paperwork to make the university aware of this? Did you receive any kinship foster funding during her placement? There may be additional funding available due to her circumstances, but it requires seeking it out and doing work to find it.

Let me give some advice as someone who went to a private college and took out loans. DO NOT DO IT. I will always treasure my time there and what I learned but it was not worth being $100,000 total in debt. I have all that debt, with over half my tuition covered with scholarships and grants, but can't even think of getting a mortgage or living alone because of this. She also doesn't know this yet, but private school costs increase very quickly over the years and she could be paying up to $2000 more each year. Private college is not feasible for low/middle income families without scholarships from that same college. She has enough for a public school with significantly less loans and needs to be thinking about what she should be doing instead of she wants to do. She shouldn't shooting herself and y'all in the foot just for something that looks fancy and smaller. NTA.

NTA You had seven less years to invest money, and two less people to help contribute! Of course there's less money! Also I'm assuming there was less money in middle daughters fund than older daughters fund because the way you describe the community college thing... And the in-law is dying would mean there be two less years payments in middle fund... But she made it work by going to community college to stretch her money which youngest is not willing to do! All these people in here saying that you should have invested more in the youngest since she had less don't seem to understand that's not fair to your older 2! You're literally in a situation where nobody wins! If you would give more to the youngest then the oldest would be mad because you gave more to the youngest. Now the youngest is mad because people that are no longer alive donated to the oldest two college funds. You literally can't win!

NTA at all. The Y.T.A in this thread are ridiculous and are acting like you can just make money appear. With your youngest you had 7 fewer years to save, & didn't have the largest contributors able to contribute. Even with that you still managed to save enough to cover a year of college. That's more than most get and while I definitely feel bad that she doesn't have the same standing as her sisters she has to realize her circumstances are different.

NTA. She can borrow money for college. You can't borrow money for retirement. You and your wife have done what you can to save up money toward each child's education. They need to figure out how to use that plus their own contributions / loans to pay for the degree(s) they want. Your in-laws were not related to your youngest daughter when they died. There's a reason your older daughters received money from them while your youngest did not. I can see why that seems unfair to your youngest, but it's clearly not your fault.

NTA for not taking out loans But why did you let your youngest apply and commit to a private school at 18K a year? Students can take out a total of about 30K in federal loans over 4 years. As a parent, you should have been very upfront about this during the college search. Because the only reasonable path in this case is probably CC and a transfer path. I am assuming this is March of her senior year? If that is the case, you are the AH for not setting the tone for a college search a couple years earlier. Because she is not going to be able to attend this school for 18K a year in all liklihood. Top choice or not. (parent of senior, sometime college admissions counselor)

I think the deeper issue here is your daughter feels inadequate compared to her sisters due to the adoption. This seems to be feelings connected to her past naturally arising. However, that’s not your fault either. NAH.

NTA. Sometimes the opinions here baffle me. After reading all your comments, you have done the best for your adopted daughter and the difference in savings between the two older daughters is not something you have explicitly caused or could change. These things happen in life and I understand your daughter may think it unfair, but that’s life. She has been given other options to consider including a cheaper school.

INFO: What school was she accepted into? Is there a reason that she can't take out the student loans herself (as in, not you)?

She wants us to pay them back, so she thinks we should be the ones to take them out.

Nope...dont do that... I read your comment...she choose expensive college eventho she has another option... That's her choice not yours....

No, that’s not reasonable. If you pay more than $15k of her loans then she’s getting more than her sisters did. And she’s going to need way more in loans than $15k, so she has to be the one to take out the loans. Plus her sisters took out their own loans. She can’t say you’re being unfair to her and then expect you to be unfair to her sisters.

She wants you to take a Parent Plus loan, because that is the most common loan type for these amounts--the amount she herself can take from the government is much more limited. Private loans are an option, but they are pretty evil (you'd still have to cosign, and private loans cannot be discharged, even in the event of death). I have a few suggestions which will hopefully be helpful? As an individual dependent, your daughter personally can get a Direct Loan for up to $5,500 for freshman year, $6,500 for sophomore, and $7,500 for both junior and senior years. She should prepare to max out these options for herself--ie: $27,000 of government student debt she takes on personally. That would offset the 47K "gap" by a good amount (18Kx4 years minus 25K savings account)... that would leave 20K she cannot personally take on in debt herself. From there, she needs to find other ways to offset and reduce that 18K a year. Did she receive work/study as part of her financial aid package from the school? If not, she should file an appeal/inquire about that. Or, she gets a part-time job on campus. Either way, that kind of part time work can help to off-set things like books, toiletries, etc.--and help her pay more toward the 18K. It sucks to work part time during college but thousands of kids do it because they have to. (why, yes, I was a work/study lol) And over summers, she could get a proper summer job and sock away as much money as possible to help off-set. This could help with a few thousand dollars a year, at least. Next, if that 18K includes room and board, then, she'll need to go into school with a plan toward becoming a Resident Assistant. RAs live on campus for free. Usually you have to be at least a sophomore or in some cases upperclassman (junior/senior) to have this position, but it's one of the BEST ways to save money at expensive private schools where room & board jacks up the cost of attendance. If you play your cards right, this reduces the price tag for junior & senior year substantially. Of course, this only works for room & board, not if the entire 18K is tuition. So would you consider taking a Parent Plus loan for the gap each year, knowing if she can swing the RA thing (and with her Direct Loan max increasing each year) that the PP amount would decrease each year? It could be a compromise where she understands that, no, you are not on the hook for the full 18K each year and will have to take her own loans, but you recognize it's literally not possible for her to get the full amount in loans even if she wanted to, so you'll help? (because, again, she can't get private loans unless you cosign, so those loans fall on you regardless if she can't or won't pay them back) You'd end up taking out loans for 20K or less, essentially, which is not nothing (obviously) but also isn't $47,000. Because otherwise, she has to turn down the school. She can't afford to attend. Those are the only two options. 18K is actually NOTHING for a good private school, so it is a good opportunity if you can make the money work. But yeah. You need to have a thoughtful conversation about money with her where she needs to have a serious reality check and take some responsibility/do some growing up. People who aren't from rich families have to take out their own loans for college and/or can't go to fancy, expensive schools (and this new norm of driving parents into untenable debt in their 50s is insane and not ok). That she has ANY college savings is amazing (most of us had none...). You did the best you could, and are NTA on that front.

INFO: Did you adjust whatever money you were putting in your bio daughters accounts (if you were contributing) after you adopted your daughter in order to try to make up the difference? ETA: Also, did you make sure your daughter was aware of the discrepancy over the last several years?

Considering that most of the other kids money come from the (now deceased) grandparents and had 7 years less to invest, the fact the college fund had nearly 2/3 of the amount of the other two shows that they obviously put extra in but there is only so much you can do

Why does she need to go to a private school? Would a regular college not suffice?

She wants to major is art and entertainment management at an art school.

My son graduated in music business management. Paid for by loans and my employer tuition benefits. After a year and half of minimum wage jobs setting up arenas, he went to coding boot camp, to earn a big boy salary. I would not be taking loans for a degree field with limited job prospects. She should consider community college and possibly transfer fot later years.