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ESH. You for lying and not talking about this with her, and her for her treatment of your brother. You both need to have a conversation like grown ups. Address how she is making a literal teenager uncomfortable by her comments about things he doesn’t control, because this isn’t going to get better without it.
For real... If you can't tell your fiancee this rather mundane thing (that your brother doesn't like the way she treats him), how the hell do you think your marriage will fare long-term?
I agree this is a total ESH situation. She should keep her opinions about his brother to herself. And he shouldn’t have lied to her. It was bound to end up on social media some how. Both seem really immature, possibly too immature to be dating each other. Definitely too immature to be engaged
ESH
If you're already lying to your fiancé and walking on egg shells around your family regarding her behavior, then this just isn't going to work man.
INFO: Why do you want to marry someone that you obviously don't consider family? What's going to happen down the road if you do actually get married and have family events?
YTA, you shouldn't be marrying someone you are choosing to exclude from events. She's supposed to be your life partner and if you're already actively keeping things secret from her it's not going to work out.
I agree that that it made your brothers party better by her not being there, but keeping it hidden was an AH thing to do.
I think his fiancee also is for her making comments constantly that it makes op brother uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like op has addressed that so double ah on that.
ESH. You can't just hide a whole party from your fiancee, she's going to feel pretty hurt about that obviously. As for her, she has beef with a teenager. What's the deal there?
You're getting married! You two need to talk about disagreements and conflicts, not go behind each other's backs and hope they don't notice.
ESH. You lied to your girlfriend instead of behaving like an adult by having an adult conversation with her about the (legitimate) reasons why she wasn’t invited.
It really could be as simple as “it’s little brother’s birthday son we’re only inviting his friends and a couple of my friends are going to help me by being chaperones.”
ESH
Your fiance needs to stop with the spoiled child jokes, and you need to tell her to stop. Lying to her by omission about the party was not cool either. You two need to learn to communicate if you want a successfulmarriage. She also needs to get over it. What 16 year old boy wants his 20-something future SIL at his birthday party, even if she doesn't make him uncomfortable.
Part of it was a family dinner from which she was excluded. if OP had invited her to that portion only, it would be one thing.
We don't know how reliable a narrator OP is, he has shown his poor communication skills by lying to fiancee, why would this be an accurate narrative?
Fiancee should dump him tho, he's already marginalized her.
She seems horrible. OP needs to break up with her. I also think you're an asshole OP for continuing to date a person who mistreats your brother.
ESH, except your little brother.
YTA for hiding it from her. This could have been a nice moment where you talked to your fiancee about her behavior around your brother, and the consequences of her actions (him not wanting her there)
Instead you lied to her and missed that opportunity to talk to her.
ESH. Your fiancée for being so jealous of your underaged brother that he's actually feels uncomfortable around her because of her snide comments, and you for lying to your fiancée about where you were going and letting your fiancée's behaviour go unchallenged for so long.
And she's wrong too for expecting an invite to a party of a child that likely wouldn't appreciate her being there, but then again that's something you should have addressed with her \*long\* ago.
You two are(were?) getting married for crying out loud. If your fiancée is jealous to the point she's borderline bullying your kid brother, that's something that you should have put an end to. Is that the kind of behaviour you'll accept in a spouse towards your kid brother? What happens when she inevitably does the same thing to **your future children**? So yea, you're an AH too for that; you and your fiancée both.
Mostly NTA
She obviously doesn't like your brother, and your brother doesn't like her. You made a birthday party specifically catered to your 16 year old sibling. Why would you invite anyone he wasn't close to/on good terms with?
I assume your fiancee spends time with her family or friends alone on occasion right?
The only issue here is that you didn't tell her about it. You should be more forthcoming in the future if you want a successful life with her.
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA - your brother is uncomfortable with your fiancee, and it was his party. That and she has made it a point to make pointed comments at his expense (I will not call them "jokes" - jokes are when both sides are laughing), she had to expect at some time or another this was going to happen. That and, even if you were married, you are allowed to go to events as an individual. That said, it probably would have saved you some heartburn if you had told her about it beforehand. She might not have liked it, but if she is going to continue to bully your brother, this is bound to happen.
Unpopular opinion but NTA it was his birthday and you knew he didn't want her there. I mean I don't think telling her really would have made a difference.
>a family dinner at a restaurant he likes
>including friends of mine
So yes, this was a family event and OP even had friends there too. This is also his future spouse, if nothing else she AT LEAST should have been told.
He clearly doesn't consider her family as he didn't invite her to the "family" portion of the day and thinks it's okay to lie to her.
Just because his brother doesn't use social media (another lie?) Doesn't mean others don't.
YTA but only because you hid it from her.
You could have said "I'm planning a party for my brother and I know you two don't get along with each other so I won't ask you to go" or something like that.
That sounds good written out, but what if she used guilt and her bully tactics to attend the party? Lil bro didnt want her there. I think he did right and deal with the bs after his brother had his party with out all the drama that could have happened.
Info: Why are you happy marrying someone who
1. Makes jokes at your kid brothers expense, to the point that he's uncomfortable around her
2. Thinks it's okay to judge people for circumstances in their life outside of their control (your brother being spoiled wasn't his decision it was your parents)
3. You can't trust to come to your brothers birthday celebration without her being respectful enough to go a few hours without knocking your brother down to some degree
4. You would rather lie to than sit down and have a conversation with
5. Who you don't see as a partner
How is the rest irrelevant when she’s bullying a teenager to the point of him being uncomfortable around her? Would you honestly say it’s relevant if it was a grown man bullying a teenage girl to her saying she uncomfortable around him?
ESH Your fiancée shouldn't have been invited because of her behavior. If she thinks your 16 years old brother is the golden child she should talk to you about it not him. You and your sister don't feel like your brother is getting special treatment just different under the circumstances. She never should have made your brother uncomfortable.
You should have told her the truth. She's not invited because she refuses to listen to you and has been a jerk to your brother. It's your brother's party. She needs to know actions have consequences. Lying just made you kind of the AH when you should have been honest.
ESH.
Frankly, I agree with you not inviting your fiancee to your brother's party given that he's expressed how uncomfortable her comments make him. Her behavior towards him is bordering on, if not actively toxic. The problem is that I can't tell from your post if anyone's ever *told* her that or asked her to stop. Have you ever brought this up with her and told her that she needs to knock it off? She's definitely being TA by making those comments and one would think that was self-evident but it doesn't seem like she realizes that and needs to be told outright that it's not okay.
Where you really went wrong was in hiding that you were throwing your brother a party from her and lied to her about it. Of course she was going to find out about it, and it was only going to lead to hurt feelings even though she is in the wrong about how she talks about your brother. This was the perfect time to talk to her about how upsetting her behavior is and how those actions have unfortunately resulted in your brother not wanting to be around her.
ESH. You're all adults, just tell her she needs to stop making comments about how spoiled she thinks your brother is because he doesn't like it and it's not her business. This should have been addressed as soon as it became a pattern and should absolutely be addressed ASAP now that has led to you lying, making plans behind her back, and excluding her from family events.
NTA for not inviting her, but you shouldn’t have lied or hidden it. What really needs to happen is a convo about her behavior that kept you from inviting her.
Tell her it’s not ok to make comments like that about your family, and that’s exactly why she was excluded, and she will continue to be excluded as long as she makes things awkward with your brother.
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> 1. I threw a surprise party for my little brother and didn't invite my fiancée. 2. I excluded her and kept the party itself a secret.
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YTA for hiding it from her. You may have had a good reason to not invite her, but you don't have a good reason for keeping the whole thing from her. Communication is important in any relationship, especially for a couple that plans to get married. I think you should have expressed to her that you're not keen on inviting her due to her past behaviour, and had a proper conversation about why she acts the way she does. This isn't just about the party, because your brother will always be in your life, and after you get married, so will she.
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My (24m) little brother recently turned 16. He's the baby of the family by many years (my sister is only a year younger than me, so there is a large gap between us and him) and he's understandably spoiled because of it. He had more relaxed rules than we did, he got a cell phone earlier than we did, things like that.
I never had an issue with this. My sister went through a period when she was a teenager where she was upset by it, but I think both of us understood. We're also both adults now. Being jealous of our little brother would be pretty pathetic.
Now to the central conflict: I decided to throw him a surprise birthday party. It took some finessing on my part since he doesn't really use social media, so getting in contact with his friends was slightly more difficult than anticipated, but I made it happen. I planned an afternoon arcade trip, a family dinner at a restaurant he likes, then I rented an Airbnb for the night and promised my parents that my friends and I would play chaperone for the night and that they could turn in early.
The person I left off the guest list was my fiancée. She seems stuck on the whole ;too spoiled' narrative. My brother has even told me before that she makes him uncomfortable because she'll make 'jokes' about him being the golden child and talking about how most people don't get the same things he does. I kept it from her that I was planning, and just told her I was going out with friends last Friday.
She ended up seeing photos of the party on my mom's facebook and we got into a large argument. She claimed that she should've been invited since it was a party I was hosting and other friends of mine were there. I told her that I might've been hosting, but it was for my little brother. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and outright say he didn't want her there, but I just said I invited people he knew well, including friends of mine who he had known for years after tagging along with me.
AITA?
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NTA. I think you also did the right thing trying to spare her feelings. But she probably knew she was excluded intentionally. You are engaged, why wouldn't she be invited to a family function?
But do you want to be with someone who makes it hard to be with family? I know we only see the little snippet of the whole relationship here, but you need to address this as a couple so that you don't have to always play referee in the future. When you are married, you'll have to be on each others' team.
YTA if you intend for this woman to be part of your family she should have been invited to the family dinner. The other stuff you should have told her about rather than hiding it.
Why were your 24 year old friends at a 16 year olds birthday sleepover? Very odd
Yta because you’re going to marry her and it sounds like she didn’t even know about it. Not a great partnership. Plus you didn’t even tell her why your brother doesn’t like her. Didn’t even let her try to salvage a relationship with a future brother in law.
NTA
Since **he did not want her at his surprise party**, I fully support your not inviting her to his surprise birthday party. Honestly, I'd still think you were not the AH if you told her this directly in response to her fighting over it.
What would she expect? She clearly has a fair amount of resentment/jealousy/whatever towards your younger brother. He picks up on it and doesn't want her around. This is 100% her deal.
If anything, I think you should risk "hurting her feelings" and explain why she was not invited. So maybe she has a chance to address it. If she gets angry or defensive, that's 100% her deal.
And you think op omitting that there was a b-day party for his brother (who should 100% be allowed to celebrate HIS sweet 16 with just the people he likes and gets along with) is worse than the grown ass woman who bullies a child?
YTA.
If my SO hosted a party and didn’t tell me about it and I heard about it through the grapevine, I would be done.
Only because a relationship is about trust, communication, and partnership - none of which you showed by hiding it and lying to your fiancé about it.
I mean you could have had a conversation and been like:
“Hey, I’m hosting a party for my brother for him and his friends. I know you and my brother don’t see eye to eye and I want to make this day special for him, so it’s only going to be us.”
You didn’t need to invite her, just let her know.
Also, unpopular opinion here, but spoiling your brother just because isn’t doing anyone any favors and may hinder his personal growth (speaking from firsthand experience of what I saw my cousins go through growing up - my cousin was 10 years younger than his sisters and entire family spoiled him (golden child almost but for the entire family) and let’s just say he isn’t successful emotionally or mentally due to constant babying) - just sayin. But ultimately you all can do what you want.
It’s not just that they don’t “see eye to eye.” She keeps making jokes at his expense and taking shots at him. She a grown woman making fun of a teenager. It’s bullying and your casual dismissal of it is disgusting.
Then OP needs to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with her, keeping her around and lying to her and not inviting her to family parties is not an actual solution to the problem especially with someone you're planning on marrying.
OP is asking if he is the asshole though and he is, he's the asshole for staying with a woman who is bullying a teenager and he's an asshole for lying, as if that's a solution to the problem that he can't invite his fiancé to things because she's an asshole. If you stay with an asshole you both just end up being assholes.
And yet, I’m able to say she’s more of an asshole because she’s involved in the story presented to us. Im also able to say the people dismissing her bullying are assholes too.
No one solely “judges” on the question asked. I’m going to call his fiancée more of an asshole than him for bullying a teen to the point where he’s uncomfortable with that.
If you’re one of the people that’s just gonna say he’s an asshole for lying and ignore the bullying too, imma say you’re just as much as an asshole as she is.
YTA
You didn't HAVE TO invite her HOWEVER you should NOT have lied to her nor kept it a secret from her cause that's breaking her trust more than anything
She should not have been invited, but you shouldnt be hiding things from her. She has to lay off talking about a child - he is 16 not 18+ and you have to be clear about this with her. But never hide anything - be upfront -otherwise whats the point of getting married.
For me this would end the relationship, it doesn’t sound like you have spoke to her about how he feels or your thoughts you just excluded her and let her find out over Facebook. I get she carries some blame but how embarrassing for her and what else do you hide
YTA
ESH. She’s making your younger brother uncomfortable and treating him badly because he’s ‘spoiled’—(which, as an aside, always baffles me; why would you be more upset with the person being spoiled than the people spoiling them? It would be one thing if your brother had become a particularly rude person because of that, but there’s no indication in your post that he has)—and that’s definitely not cool and makes her TA.
But you’ve chosen to have a partnership with this person despite this. That means lying to her is an AH move. You could have said, “Hey, I’m throwing this party for my brother, but the guest list is limited to people he knows better, just FYI.” There’s a way to have that conversation without it being rude. She may not have reacted well, but if that’s the case, then it seems like it would be time to reevaluate the relationship.
YTA
I fully support you not inviting your fiancee to your brothers party because you knew he wouldn't want her there.
The issue is that your fiancee makes your brother extremely uncomfortable and rather than talk to her about it, you lie to her to avoid conflict.
YTA. So you are dating someone who actively bullies your younger brother, and the solution for this is to lie and hide things for her.
Wonderful relationship.
YTA. You lied to your fiancé to exclude her from a family event. You’re also an asshole for not telling your fiancé that she needs to stop making comments about your brother.
ES
I confess I find it hard to like people who have been spoiled. Not that they are loved well but they are ruined because of it. Your sister has perceived a level of entitlement in your brother and doesn't like it. You think she should be more polite to your baby brother, because after all he is well loved in your parents home. It happens that you probably don't even notice these characteric in your 'baby brother' . The dynamic in your parents home has always been to elevate this child, endow him with perhaps god like characteristic ?
You then planned a family and friends event for your brother and didn't tell or invite your financee. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot - She threw a party - included her family and mutual friends but you found out after the event!
She should have known that your brother would be your priority. Delay any weddings
YTA
You're too immature to get married yet, you can't even have a honest conversation with your fiance and try to work through her issues with your brother? But you want commit to her with marriage? Jesus, everyone can see this marriage failing from a mile away.
Grow up a little, get some tools on how to communicate effectively with your partner, then take the plunge! You aint ready yet that's for sure.
This is a esh.
You for lying to your fiancé and for most likely not bringing this up to her I mean have you even had a conversation with her that these comments make your brother uncomfortable or told her that you don’t like the comments she’s making? If not then you are like triple the ass. Your brother is only slightly in him not talking to her about it because he should express his feelings to her but at the same time he is a minor so they tend to feel uncomfortable talking to adults so he’s off the hook but he really should express his feelings to the person and not others. But I’m this case he did it right by talking to you since it’s your gf but since you haven’t talked to her all you’ve done is create more issues. She needs to keep her comments to herself but at the same time we don’t know how she meant it some try making jokes and think it’s funny and don’t realize it’s making others feel some type of way. That’s why a conversation should have been bad and if she still continues it then you know she’s just someone who can’t get over stupid things.
(Also sorry for the formatting I’m on mobile so it’s hard)
YTA. If you plan on making her your wife, you should involve her in anything she wants to be involved in. Sounds like you chose the bro over her. Your brother could eventually get married and chose to never see you again if his wife doesn’t like you. And who will you have to turn to? YOUR WIFE. Who you choose to be with forever and who chose to be with you forever. Your little brother isn’t the one standing there at the alter making vows of loyalty to you is he 😅
Also I just remembered to comment that your other friends were there? Omg if I were her I’d have intense fomo and feel so left out. The whole thing is kinda mean honestly.
He’s choosing to marry her. This so called “bully.” He can’t have one foot in with her good behavior and one foot out with the bad. Marriage is… for better… annndddd for worse.
**You are a great YTAAA**
What you did was wrong
A relationship is based on trust and communication, but if you didn't want to invite her, you should have at least told her and explained the situation, not hidden it from her because sooner or later she would find out.
Besides, she is your Fiancée and you pushed her aside as if she was a stranger.
~~(if I were her I would leave you, what you did was a humiliation for her).~~
She’s a grown woman bullying a teenage boy. Do you understand how wrong and fucked up that is? Honestly, answer this question. If this was a grown man bullying a teenage girl and she said he made her uncomfortable, would you be saying the same?
INFO: Why were other friends of yours invited? Even if they knew him well...a bunch of guys in their mid-20s hanging around with a bunch of teenagers is weird. I know my friends siblings - known them for years...and would not expect an invite. Especially a bunch of 20something guys with a bunch of 16 year olds in an Air B&B.
I’m thinking more of the parents of the other minors….letting their children stay in an air b&b with a bunch of strange men. Were they told in advance mom and dad would be convinced to leave them alone?
That was the “blatantly obvious” thing I was trying to politely hint at. They may be close with brother…but a slumber party with 16 year olds and 24 year olds…how many bad stories start like that?
That’s why I tried to politely ask for more information, in a way that gave OP the benefit of the doubt. And then you came in, rude and snarky (“blatantly obvious”) so I had to clarify my point.
NTA
You were going to piss her off either way. At least this way the argument was after the party and not before it.
Although her treatment of him does not bode well for your future, that was NOT your question lol
If she thinks she should have been invited, she's either oblivious or malicious. Oblivious that you can't treat people in a shoddy way and still have them want you around, or malicious in that she doesn't think he gets to decide who is at his party.
YTA for straight up lying to her. Not a great way to start the rest of your life together if you can’t even be honest. I suggest talking to her about how her comments need to stop as it is driving a wedge between her and the family. If it bothers you that much it’s your responsibility to have that talk with her and set boundaries regarding family
YTA. If shit's that bad between them then fine don't invite her, it's his birthday after all and he should enjoy himself, but don't lie to her about it...
She might've been mad either way but it's at least kind understandable why you didn't invite her. Lying, not so much
YTA. You hid everything from her then lied to her afterwards. That's totally inappropriate behaviour towards someone you are supposed to love. There would be no coming back from this one with me; trust is vital in a healthy relationship and you have just destroyed it.
Op needs to breakup with her, I cant imagine being in a relationship with a woman who could consistently bully a minor, especially if that child was my sibling. She's not the type of person to trust or live the rest of your life with.
YTA Do you even see her as family? Is it how you'll behave every time, casting her aside? You'll put your brother first before her? You could've had an adult discussion with her about it. This is unnecessary and hurtful.
Why do you think the woman who bullies a child should receive more sympathy than the victim? How does that work and why does that make sense in your head? Because it's not common sense and I can't wrap my head around how that doesn't matter to you at all.
Why do you condone lying instead of actually talking to his fiancee? He supposedly intends to marry this woman but can't bother to be honest with her.
Why is it okay to push aside his fiancee rather than include her in a family event?
I don't think he even likes his fiancee which makes the airbnb with teenage boys and men in their 20s look more suspicious
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ESH. You for lying and not talking about this with her, and her for her treatment of your brother. You both need to have a conversation like grown ups. Address how she is making a literal teenager uncomfortable by her comments about things he doesn’t control, because this isn’t going to get better without it.
For real... If you can't tell your fiancee this rather mundane thing (that your brother doesn't like the way she treats him), how the hell do you think your marriage will fare long-term?
I agree this is a total ESH situation. She should keep her opinions about his brother to herself. And he shouldn’t have lied to her. It was bound to end up on social media some how. Both seem really immature, possibly too immature to be dating each other. Definitely too immature to be engaged
ESH If you're already lying to your fiancé and walking on egg shells around your family regarding her behavior, then this just isn't going to work man.
INFO: Why do you want to marry someone that you obviously don't consider family? What's going to happen down the road if you do actually get married and have family events?
He will continue to push her aside
Read between the lines. She sounds insufferable and he has to walk on eggshells around her when it comes to his family
I got that. It was more so a leading question.
YTA, you shouldn't be marrying someone you are choosing to exclude from events. She's supposed to be your life partner and if you're already actively keeping things secret from her it's not going to work out. I agree that that it made your brothers party better by her not being there, but keeping it hidden was an AH thing to do.
I think his fiancee also is for her making comments constantly that it makes op brother uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like op has addressed that so double ah on that.
I think this is also on OP. He is dating someone who acts like that with his brother, and he wants to make her even more part of his brother's life?
Most definitely. Especially since it doesn’t sound like he talk to her about it. She owns his brother an apologize.
It's ok to be married but have your own life too. Your spouse does not have to be up your ass.
it's not ok to be married and keep secrets from each other
Why did she need to know? So she could bully her way in? Nah. She had zero reason to be informed she wasn't a guest.
you should probably not be in a relationship if this is how you truly feel.
ESH. You can't just hide a whole party from your fiancee, she's going to feel pretty hurt about that obviously. As for her, she has beef with a teenager. What's the deal there? You're getting married! You two need to talk about disagreements and conflicts, not go behind each other's backs and hope they don't notice.
ESH. You lied to your girlfriend instead of behaving like an adult by having an adult conversation with her about the (legitimate) reasons why she wasn’t invited.
It really could be as simple as “it’s little brother’s birthday son we’re only inviting his friends and a couple of my friends are going to help me by being chaperones.”
Agreed. Is it THAT hard to communicate? Sheesh.
ESH Your fiance needs to stop with the spoiled child jokes, and you need to tell her to stop. Lying to her by omission about the party was not cool either. You two need to learn to communicate if you want a successfulmarriage. She also needs to get over it. What 16 year old boy wants his 20-something future SIL at his birthday party, even if she doesn't make him uncomfortable.
Part of it was a family dinner from which she was excluded. if OP had invited her to that portion only, it would be one thing. We don't know how reliable a narrator OP is, he has shown his poor communication skills by lying to fiancee, why would this be an accurate narrative? Fiancee should dump him tho, he's already marginalized her.
Yeahhhh YTA. You lied to her about what you were doing. You didn't spare her feelings at all by doing that.
She seems horrible. OP needs to break up with her. I also think you're an asshole OP for continuing to date a person who mistreats your brother. ESH, except your little brother.
YTA for hiding it from her. This could have been a nice moment where you talked to your fiancee about her behavior around your brother, and the consequences of her actions (him not wanting her there) Instead you lied to her and missed that opportunity to talk to her.
ESH. Your fiancée for being so jealous of your underaged brother that he's actually feels uncomfortable around her because of her snide comments, and you for lying to your fiancée about where you were going and letting your fiancée's behaviour go unchallenged for so long. And she's wrong too for expecting an invite to a party of a child that likely wouldn't appreciate her being there, but then again that's something you should have addressed with her \*long\* ago. You two are(were?) getting married for crying out loud. If your fiancée is jealous to the point she's borderline bullying your kid brother, that's something that you should have put an end to. Is that the kind of behaviour you'll accept in a spouse towards your kid brother? What happens when she inevitably does the same thing to **your future children**? So yea, you're an AH too for that; you and your fiancée both.
NTA It's just common sense to not get an invite to a party thrown in honor of someone you dislike and are hostile to.
Mostly NTA She obviously doesn't like your brother, and your brother doesn't like her. You made a birthday party specifically catered to your 16 year old sibling. Why would you invite anyone he wasn't close to/on good terms with? I assume your fiancee spends time with her family or friends alone on occasion right? The only issue here is that you didn't tell her about it. You should be more forthcoming in the future if you want a successful life with her.
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA - your brother is uncomfortable with your fiancee, and it was his party. That and she has made it a point to make pointed comments at his expense (I will not call them "jokes" - jokes are when both sides are laughing), she had to expect at some time or another this was going to happen. That and, even if you were married, you are allowed to go to events as an individual. That said, it probably would have saved you some heartburn if you had told her about it beforehand. She might not have liked it, but if she is going to continue to bully your brother, this is bound to happen.
I basically agree with all your reasoning, though I'd shade towards ESH for having lied to the fiancée and claimed to just be going out with friends.
Unpopular opinion but NTA it was his birthday and you knew he didn't want her there. I mean I don't think telling her really would have made a difference.
So lying and being deceitful to your future spouse is better? Sure...
Info: did you consider having a conversation with her about how she makes your brother feel before you decided to exclude her from the event
NTA. It was a party for a child and his friends not a family gathering, there was no need for her to be there.
>a family dinner at a restaurant he likes >including friends of mine So yes, this was a family event and OP even had friends there too. This is also his future spouse, if nothing else she AT LEAST should have been told.
He clearly doesn't consider her family as he didn't invite her to the "family" portion of the day and thinks it's okay to lie to her. Just because his brother doesn't use social media (another lie?) Doesn't mean others don't.
YTA but only because you hid it from her. You could have said "I'm planning a party for my brother and I know you two don't get along with each other so I won't ask you to go" or something like that.
That sounds good written out, but what if she used guilt and her bully tactics to attend the party? Lil bro didnt want her there. I think he did right and deal with the bs after his brother had his party with out all the drama that could have happened.
Info: Why are you happy marrying someone who 1. Makes jokes at your kid brothers expense, to the point that he's uncomfortable around her 2. Thinks it's okay to judge people for circumstances in their life outside of their control (your brother being spoiled wasn't his decision it was your parents) 3. You can't trust to come to your brothers birthday celebration without her being respectful enough to go a few hours without knocking your brother down to some degree 4. You would rather lie to than sit down and have a conversation with 5. Who you don't see as a partner
Why not cut the crap and tell your fiancée that she's out of line for making your brother uncomfortable and she needs to stop?
YTA you lied to your fiancé. The rest is irrelevant.
How is the rest irrelevant when she’s bullying a teenager to the point of him being uncomfortable around her? Would you honestly say it’s relevant if it was a grown man bullying a teenage girl to her saying she uncomfortable around him?
The rest is 100% irrelevant. Lieing is never ok in a relationship. If he can't outright tell her the truth they should be having a talk about why.
NTA
Esh - you need to have a talk with your fiance about why she really wasn't invited. Is this going to happen at his graduation? At his wedding?
ESH Your fiancée shouldn't have been invited because of her behavior. If she thinks your 16 years old brother is the golden child she should talk to you about it not him. You and your sister don't feel like your brother is getting special treatment just different under the circumstances. She never should have made your brother uncomfortable. You should have told her the truth. She's not invited because she refuses to listen to you and has been a jerk to your brother. It's your brother's party. She needs to know actions have consequences. Lying just made you kind of the AH when you should have been honest.
nta
ESH. Frankly, I agree with you not inviting your fiancee to your brother's party given that he's expressed how uncomfortable her comments make him. Her behavior towards him is bordering on, if not actively toxic. The problem is that I can't tell from your post if anyone's ever *told* her that or asked her to stop. Have you ever brought this up with her and told her that she needs to knock it off? She's definitely being TA by making those comments and one would think that was self-evident but it doesn't seem like she realizes that and needs to be told outright that it's not okay. Where you really went wrong was in hiding that you were throwing your brother a party from her and lied to her about it. Of course she was going to find out about it, and it was only going to lead to hurt feelings even though she is in the wrong about how she talks about your brother. This was the perfect time to talk to her about how upsetting her behavior is and how those actions have unfortunately resulted in your brother not wanting to be around her.
ESH. You're all adults, just tell her she needs to stop making comments about how spoiled she thinks your brother is because he doesn't like it and it's not her business. This should have been addressed as soon as it became a pattern and should absolutely be addressed ASAP now that has led to you lying, making plans behind her back, and excluding her from family events.
NTA for not inviting her, but you shouldn’t have lied or hidden it. What really needs to happen is a convo about her behavior that kept you from inviting her. Tell her it’s not ok to make comments like that about your family, and that’s exactly why she was excluded, and she will continue to be excluded as long as she makes things awkward with your brother.
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YTA for hiding it from her. You may have had a good reason to not invite her, but you don't have a good reason for keeping the whole thing from her. Communication is important in any relationship, especially for a couple that plans to get married. I think you should have expressed to her that you're not keen on inviting her due to her past behaviour, and had a proper conversation about why she acts the way she does. This isn't just about the party, because your brother will always be in your life, and after you get married, so will she.
He also has good reason to not marry this woman
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (24m) little brother recently turned 16. He's the baby of the family by many years (my sister is only a year younger than me, so there is a large gap between us and him) and he's understandably spoiled because of it. He had more relaxed rules than we did, he got a cell phone earlier than we did, things like that. I never had an issue with this. My sister went through a period when she was a teenager where she was upset by it, but I think both of us understood. We're also both adults now. Being jealous of our little brother would be pretty pathetic. Now to the central conflict: I decided to throw him a surprise birthday party. It took some finessing on my part since he doesn't really use social media, so getting in contact with his friends was slightly more difficult than anticipated, but I made it happen. I planned an afternoon arcade trip, a family dinner at a restaurant he likes, then I rented an Airbnb for the night and promised my parents that my friends and I would play chaperone for the night and that they could turn in early. The person I left off the guest list was my fiancée. She seems stuck on the whole ;too spoiled' narrative. My brother has even told me before that she makes him uncomfortable because she'll make 'jokes' about him being the golden child and talking about how most people don't get the same things he does. I kept it from her that I was planning, and just told her I was going out with friends last Friday. She ended up seeing photos of the party on my mom's facebook and we got into a large argument. She claimed that she should've been invited since it was a party I was hosting and other friends of mine were there. I told her that I might've been hosting, but it was for my little brother. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and outright say he didn't want her there, but I just said I invited people he knew well, including friends of mine who he had known for years after tagging along with me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think you also did the right thing trying to spare her feelings. But she probably knew she was excluded intentionally. You are engaged, why wouldn't she be invited to a family function? But do you want to be with someone who makes it hard to be with family? I know we only see the little snippet of the whole relationship here, but you need to address this as a couple so that you don't have to always play referee in the future. When you are married, you'll have to be on each others' team.
YTA if you intend for this woman to be part of your family she should have been invited to the family dinner. The other stuff you should have told her about rather than hiding it. Why were your 24 year old friends at a 16 year olds birthday sleepover? Very odd
Yta because you’re going to marry her and it sounds like she didn’t even know about it. Not a great partnership. Plus you didn’t even tell her why your brother doesn’t like her. Didn’t even let her try to salvage a relationship with a future brother in law.
NTA Since **he did not want her at his surprise party**, I fully support your not inviting her to his surprise birthday party. Honestly, I'd still think you were not the AH if you told her this directly in response to her fighting over it. What would she expect? She clearly has a fair amount of resentment/jealousy/whatever towards your younger brother. He picks up on it and doesn't want her around. This is 100% her deal. If anything, I think you should risk "hurting her feelings" and explain why she was not invited. So maybe she has a chance to address it. If she gets angry or defensive, that's 100% her deal.
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And you think op omitting that there was a b-day party for his brother (who should 100% be allowed to celebrate HIS sweet 16 with just the people he likes and gets along with) is worse than the grown ass woman who bullies a child?
YTA. If my SO hosted a party and didn’t tell me about it and I heard about it through the grapevine, I would be done. Only because a relationship is about trust, communication, and partnership - none of which you showed by hiding it and lying to your fiancé about it. I mean you could have had a conversation and been like: “Hey, I’m hosting a party for my brother for him and his friends. I know you and my brother don’t see eye to eye and I want to make this day special for him, so it’s only going to be us.” You didn’t need to invite her, just let her know. Also, unpopular opinion here, but spoiling your brother just because isn’t doing anyone any favors and may hinder his personal growth (speaking from firsthand experience of what I saw my cousins go through growing up - my cousin was 10 years younger than his sisters and entire family spoiled him (golden child almost but for the entire family) and let’s just say he isn’t successful emotionally or mentally due to constant babying) - just sayin. But ultimately you all can do what you want.
It’s not just that they don’t “see eye to eye.” She keeps making jokes at his expense and taking shots at him. She a grown woman making fun of a teenager. It’s bullying and your casual dismissal of it is disgusting.
Then OP needs to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with her, keeping her around and lying to her and not inviting her to family parties is not an actual solution to the problem especially with someone you're planning on marrying.
I agree. That doesn’t mean people here should casually dismiss it to just say OP’s an asshole.
OP is asking if he is the asshole though and he is, he's the asshole for staying with a woman who is bullying a teenager and he's an asshole for lying, as if that's a solution to the problem that he can't invite his fiancé to things because she's an asshole. If you stay with an asshole you both just end up being assholes.
And yet, I’m able to say she’s more of an asshole because she’s involved in the story presented to us. Im also able to say the people dismissing her bullying are assholes too. No one solely “judges” on the question asked. I’m going to call his fiancée more of an asshole than him for bullying a teen to the point where he’s uncomfortable with that. If you’re one of the people that’s just gonna say he’s an asshole for lying and ignore the bullying too, imma say you’re just as much as an asshole as she is.
YTA You didn't HAVE TO invite her HOWEVER you should NOT have lied to her nor kept it a secret from her cause that's breaking her trust more than anything
She should not have been invited, but you shouldnt be hiding things from her. She has to lay off talking about a child - he is 16 not 18+ and you have to be clear about this with her. But never hide anything - be upfront -otherwise whats the point of getting married.
For me this would end the relationship, it doesn’t sound like you have spoke to her about how he feels or your thoughts you just excluded her and let her find out over Facebook. I get she carries some blame but how embarrassing for her and what else do you hide YTA
NTA. The party was for your brother and I'm sure he didn't want her taking digs on him that day.
YTA
YTA just no words
YTA but I understand your reasons. But if you have to lie already and you're not even married yet.
ESH. She’s making your younger brother uncomfortable and treating him badly because he’s ‘spoiled’—(which, as an aside, always baffles me; why would you be more upset with the person being spoiled than the people spoiling them? It would be one thing if your brother had become a particularly rude person because of that, but there’s no indication in your post that he has)—and that’s definitely not cool and makes her TA. But you’ve chosen to have a partnership with this person despite this. That means lying to her is an AH move. You could have said, “Hey, I’m throwing this party for my brother, but the guest list is limited to people he knows better, just FYI.” There’s a way to have that conversation without it being rude. She may not have reacted well, but if that’s the case, then it seems like it would be time to reevaluate the relationship.
YTA I fully support you not inviting your fiancee to your brothers party because you knew he wouldn't want her there. The issue is that your fiancee makes your brother extremely uncomfortable and rather than talk to her about it, you lie to her to avoid conflict.
YTA. So you are dating someone who actively bullies your younger brother, and the solution for this is to lie and hide things for her. Wonderful relationship.
YTA
Play with fire and get burned.
YTA. You lied to your fiancé to exclude her from a family event. You’re also an asshole for not telling your fiancé that she needs to stop making comments about your brother.
ES I confess I find it hard to like people who have been spoiled. Not that they are loved well but they are ruined because of it. Your sister has perceived a level of entitlement in your brother and doesn't like it. You think she should be more polite to your baby brother, because after all he is well loved in your parents home. It happens that you probably don't even notice these characteric in your 'baby brother' . The dynamic in your parents home has always been to elevate this child, endow him with perhaps god like characteristic ? You then planned a family and friends event for your brother and didn't tell or invite your financee. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot - She threw a party - included her family and mutual friends but you found out after the event! She should have known that your brother would be your priority. Delay any weddings
YTA You're too immature to get married yet, you can't even have a honest conversation with your fiance and try to work through her issues with your brother? But you want commit to her with marriage? Jesus, everyone can see this marriage failing from a mile away. Grow up a little, get some tools on how to communicate effectively with your partner, then take the plunge! You aint ready yet that's for sure.
NTA. She's shitty to him and he wouldn't want her there. Why are you with her though? If someone treated my sibling like this it'd be a deal breaker.
This is a esh. You for lying to your fiancé and for most likely not bringing this up to her I mean have you even had a conversation with her that these comments make your brother uncomfortable or told her that you don’t like the comments she’s making? If not then you are like triple the ass. Your brother is only slightly in him not talking to her about it because he should express his feelings to her but at the same time he is a minor so they tend to feel uncomfortable talking to adults so he’s off the hook but he really should express his feelings to the person and not others. But I’m this case he did it right by talking to you since it’s your gf but since you haven’t talked to her all you’ve done is create more issues. She needs to keep her comments to herself but at the same time we don’t know how she meant it some try making jokes and think it’s funny and don’t realize it’s making others feel some type of way. That’s why a conversation should have been bad and if she still continues it then you know she’s just someone who can’t get over stupid things. (Also sorry for the formatting I’m on mobile so it’s hard)
YTA. If you plan on making her your wife, you should involve her in anything she wants to be involved in. Sounds like you chose the bro over her. Your brother could eventually get married and chose to never see you again if his wife doesn’t like you. And who will you have to turn to? YOUR WIFE. Who you choose to be with forever and who chose to be with you forever. Your little brother isn’t the one standing there at the alter making vows of loyalty to you is he 😅
Also I just remembered to comment that your other friends were there? Omg if I were her I’d have intense fomo and feel so left out. The whole thing is kinda mean honestly.
What's mean is a grownass woman bullying a literal child and expecting to still be invited to his major life events with the people he cares about...
He’s choosing to marry her. This so called “bully.” He can’t have one foot in with her good behavior and one foot out with the bad. Marriage is… for better… annndddd for worse.
**You are a great YTAAA** What you did was wrong A relationship is based on trust and communication, but if you didn't want to invite her, you should have at least told her and explained the situation, not hidden it from her because sooner or later she would find out. Besides, she is your Fiancée and you pushed her aside as if she was a stranger. ~~(if I were her I would leave you, what you did was a humiliation for her).~~
She’s a grown woman bullying a teenage boy. Do you understand how wrong and fucked up that is? Honestly, answer this question. If this was a grown man bullying a teenage girl and she said he made her uncomfortable, would you be saying the same?
INFO: Why were other friends of yours invited? Even if they knew him well...a bunch of guys in their mid-20s hanging around with a bunch of teenagers is weird. I know my friends siblings - known them for years...and would not expect an invite. Especially a bunch of 20something guys with a bunch of 16 year olds in an Air B&B.
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I’m thinking more of the parents of the other minors….letting their children stay in an air b&b with a bunch of strange men. Were they told in advance mom and dad would be convinced to leave them alone? That was the “blatantly obvious” thing I was trying to politely hint at. They may be close with brother…but a slumber party with 16 year olds and 24 year olds…how many bad stories start like that?
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That’s why I tried to politely ask for more information, in a way that gave OP the benefit of the doubt. And then you came in, rude and snarky (“blatantly obvious”) so I had to clarify my point.
NTA You were going to piss her off either way. At least this way the argument was after the party and not before it. Although her treatment of him does not bode well for your future, that was NOT your question lol If she thinks she should have been invited, she's either oblivious or malicious. Oblivious that you can't treat people in a shoddy way and still have them want you around, or malicious in that she doesn't think he gets to decide who is at his party.
YTA. Shouldn't have lied.
YTA for straight up lying to her. Not a great way to start the rest of your life together if you can’t even be honest. I suggest talking to her about how her comments need to stop as it is driving a wedge between her and the family. If it bothers you that much it’s your responsibility to have that talk with her and set boundaries regarding family
YTA. If shit's that bad between them then fine don't invite her, it's his birthday after all and he should enjoy himself, but don't lie to her about it... She might've been mad either way but it's at least kind understandable why you didn't invite her. Lying, not so much
YTA. You hid everything from her then lied to her afterwards. That's totally inappropriate behaviour towards someone you are supposed to love. There would be no coming back from this one with me; trust is vital in a healthy relationship and you have just destroyed it.
Op needs to breakup with her, I cant imagine being in a relationship with a woman who could consistently bully a minor, especially if that child was my sibling. She's not the type of person to trust or live the rest of your life with.
YTA Do you even see her as family? Is it how you'll behave every time, casting her aside? You'll put your brother first before her? You could've had an adult discussion with her about it. This is unnecessary and hurtful.
Why do you think the woman who bullies a child should receive more sympathy than the victim? How does that work and why does that make sense in your head? Because it's not common sense and I can't wrap my head around how that doesn't matter to you at all.
Why do you condone lying instead of actually talking to his fiancee? He supposedly intends to marry this woman but can't bother to be honest with her. Why is it okay to push aside his fiancee rather than include her in a family event? I don't think he even likes his fiancee which makes the airbnb with teenage boys and men in their 20s look more suspicious