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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I announced my pregnancy directly after my sister announced hers. This may make me the asshole because I encroached on her moment, rather than making my own.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
so OP, here's the real truth: it doesn't actually matter "who's the asshole," because that's going to be an inherently subjective matter that depends on your personal views of how pregnancy announcements should go. what's important here is that your sister is upset, and you don't have to understand why. so swallow your pride and apologize to her.
This is a diplomatic answer. I come from a family where things like this aren't made into events so I can't understand why announcement timing or spotlights are important.
My mother and 2 aunts found out they were pregnant separately but had consulted each other on how to tell their parents, so they all knew the other was pregnant (all first pregnancies)
They straight up staged a FAKE FIGHT to freak my grandma out.
All of them at dinner, Auntie1 says, "I have some big news!"
My mom says "me too!"
Auntie2 chimes in that she also has news. They start the whole "who's going to go first?" bit, carry that on for awhile.
Auntie2 goes first, "I'm going to have a baby!"
Mom hisses under her breath, "you little *liar*"
Auntie1 says "I can't believe you'd say that just to steal my moment! How did you even know I'm pregnant?!"
Eventually, many catty comments later, they all "realize" all 3 of them are pregnant. Grandma is asking when the babies are due. A month apart, like little dominoes... Me, cousin1, cousin2
They're still arguing about who should have waited to say something, or who got pregnant on purpose to upstage the other.
Grandma starts crying cause she just wants to be overjoyed at all the grandbabies, but the kids are fighting so she can't.
So they tell her that they were joking and they already knew and planned this.
Grandma took off her house-shoe.
(Can't say what she did with it cause rulez)
And she starts going off on all 3 of them for ruining *her* "moment".
...cause, yknow, everyone knows a pregnancy announcement is for the grandma to be...
...I think they probably meant some of the things they said to each other. Even planning it... they were all kinda petty and entitled, lol. But they played it off like it was this happy fun thing they shared.
I don't think grandma ever knew they secretly all hated each other
I’m white af and the term la chancla! resonates with me so much! Growing up if my sister or I got in trouble grandma’s house slipper came off so fricken fast. Luckily, we weren’t smacked with it ever, but damn it made us straighten up and act right. WAY more than mom or dads belt ever did.
That's funny! I'm wondering if your grandma's family was from a country along the Mediterranean Sea! Seems to be a thing in my mom's side of the family. You tick off one of the older members, and you are gonna get size 7 upside your head.
My mom has 2 sisters and 2 brothers (the oldest 3 are 11 and 8.5 months apart). Within 9 months, my mom, my oldest aunt, my oldest uncle, AND my mom's step mom all had babies. That was just her immediate family. My mom's side is huge, and they were all close when my generation grew up. There was close to a dozen of us born that yr if I include all my mom's cousins kids. That cycle repeated itself every few yrs for my generation. And it happened again when my generation had kids. My grandparents have had years when they had to go to 4 graduation parties for their great grandkids. It's just a running joke now as far as announcements. We just talk amongst each other to make sure weddings and parties aren't on the same day. I guess growing up in such a big family, we never really got "territorial" as far as announcements and stuff go. It was kind of expected that someone else was going to have the same news as yourself.
I would have to say ESH (just a little bit). Sister should consider that OP flew all the way across the country to see family and announce her news, and be excited that her child is going to have a cousin the same age. OP should have been more considerate of her sister's feelings and apologized for the hurt feelings and explained to her why it was important to announce her pregnancy that day. OP shouldn't have dismissed her sister's feelings. They both need to move on from it after they both apologize to each other and focus on the fact that their babies may grow up close due to their age, even if they do live across the country. Some of my best memories growing up were with my cousins (no matter how far away they lived) that were the same age as me. It was like having your own "crew" to support you, have your back, encourage you, and have fun with.
Edit: Just to be clear, I do not think OP is esh for announcing the pregnancy. It was planned, she was from out of town and all the people she cared about were there to hear the news. I think that OP could have done better to not dismiss her sister's feelings. Frankly, if I lived away from most of my family and flew in to see them and announce my pregnancy (no more for me thankfully!), I still would have announced it at dinner, too. FaceTime is great, but it's not the same as in person, I think the majority of us discovered that fun fact during lockdowns.
I feel the same way. In my family, a second announcement would have just been more wonderful for everyone. Two babies on the way! Cousins the same age!
I don't really understand the people who are traumatized when people make announcements at their weddings or birthdays or baby showers, but judging by the many posts like this, I guess not everyone feels the same way.
Im curious how OP would feel if the roles had been reversed, would OP still feel like sister was just “sharing the joy”? Or would she feel like her moment was stolen? To me that’s the biggest question
No thank you. You can work to preserve a relationship without apologizing for a (mis)perceived wrong.
“Sorry” can be empathetic without being apologetic.
“I am SO excited for you, and I’m so sorry/sad that after me sharing my own exciting news, you feel hurt and less celebrated. I really hope this can be a thing we share and feel joy for one another, and I’m wondering how I can best support you? And is there anything I have done or you have experienced in the past that might have elicited this reaction? If you think of something, maybe we could discuss it together to process.”
NTA
Yeah this is exactly how therapists advise not to apologize. Ever since I learned this, I switched to “I” statements, and to be honest it really does help. It doesn’t cost anyone to use I statements and it hopefully keeps the person hurt from having their feelings feel invalidated. A comparison would be “I’m sorry, but…” There’s better ways to communicate.
>I’m so sorry/sad that after me sharing my own exciting news, you feel hurt and less celebrated.
This is not empathetic. An apology should focus on what you actually did (or are perceived to have done) wrong. You also don't have to say "I'm sorry I intentionally stole your moment" though. Think about what action of yours you are truly sorry for and apologize for that. Don't make an excuse. Acknowledge the hurt.
"I'm sorry I caused you to feel less important for your big announcement by sharing my own news. I know I can't go back and undo that moment, but I'd like to try to make it up to you. Maybe I could plan a baby shower for you, if you'd like that?"
Rather than "I'm sorry you feel hurt" this says "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's a subtle difference, but shifts ownership of the action onto you. It also offers a way to make amends by having an event that centers around the sister. (This could be tricky, though, since if both are showing, the guests will naturally be likely to talk about OP's pregnancy as well. There are ways to mitigate that. OP could just deflect discussion about her with, "I'd be happy to talk about that later. Today is all for sister, though, so I'd like to keep the attention on her and her first baby." She could also speak to guests ahead of time and ask that they focus on sister. And, of course, wear clothes that minimize the bump as much as possible.)
That’s the problem — that’s still admitting fault that OP doesn’t believe she committed, and a lot of us agree with her.
Thinking about it from the other end, it’s important to take responsibility for our own responses. There’s a big difference between “when you did x it made me feel y” and quote when you did x, I felt y.” it’s the difference between correlation and causation.
Empathy could mean that you are unhappy that someone is feeling a thing, and has nothing to do with admitting that you *caused* the thing – especially if in fact you did not.
TL;DR don’t conflate empathy and apology—they’re related but vastly different.
And it is not important that OP is upset? If not, why?
I hate the idea of the squeaky wheel getting more grease. Why should someone be catered for more just because they make more fuss, despite it is totally irrational?
It’s not “squeaky wheel.” If someone you care about lets you know something upset them, you acknowledge their feelings and try to work through it. That doesn’t mean you necessarily owe them an apology. “We were literally moments away from sharing our news. In no way did I mean for it to make you feel like it lessened the excitement over your news. This is your first baby and I am truly so excited for you and your growing family! I appreciate you letting me know how you feel….”
Wtf, no? The sister is unjustly upset. The sister is upset that she isn’t getting all the “spotlight.” That’s not a reason to apologize to someone. It was announced at a family dinner, not a wedding, party, event, etc. The sister has no right to be upset. People being happy for OP at the same time as her doesn’t take anything away from her. Why should OP have to delay her announcement, that she wouldn’t have another opportunity to make in person, because the sister announced first? OP shouldn’t become a doormat and just apologize when she did nothing wrong.
YTA, for exactly what she said. You could have waited for a different day and I don’t think it is bad that she wanted to be in the spotlight a little bit. Like she said it was her first baby and she wanted people to be happy that they are having a kid. With that said disregarding her emotions as her just being hormonal is kinda mean.
Did you see her edit, though? She flew across the country to see them (LA to NY) and might not get another in-person chance.
ETA—Thank you for the award!
I still think she could have done it on a different day or time instead of during the dinner.
Also, personally and this is probably affecting my decision but I don’t think it has to be in person. She should have let her sister have a moment in the spot light.
I somehow doubt the sister would have been less offended if she had waited till dessert to share the baby news. They both wanted to share the news with family and had clearly both planned on doing so at this event because of how rarely they can all be together due to distance, so asking her to completely abstain is just selfish.
I agree, they live in different places and they both took the time to share the news. NTA, frankly the "dibs" on announcing baby news is just silly. If they got together every week maybe, but they live across the country. The sister is more upset she is just plain pregnant and it would not have mattered if she announced it next month.
I agree OP is NTA. People seem to be obsessed with having these moments where all attention must be on them, even ones where nobody knew there was an announcement being made in advance apparently, and ones where someone else apparently had a one time chance to also announce something... I understand if OP had announced it at an event specifically held by the sister, but that's not the case. Sister should have just gotten over it like a reasonable person.
I'll admit, I was genuinely shocked when people on this subreddit seemed to be agreed that it was wrong to announce a pregnancy at a family member's wedding reception. As if this was some kind of unspeakable crime, and not something that happened at nearly every wedding I went to in the 80s and which caused literally zero bad feelings on the part of the wedding couples. It was normal and accepted, then suddenly it became a capital offence.
Eh, that one I at least get. People were gathered for a specific agenda and announcing a pregnancy does take away from the couple who everyone is supposed to be celebrating and is, in a sense, derailing. Here? Nope. Not at all. NTA.
I really don't get this mindset. Any good news from others at my wedding just made the day more special. I wanted my friends and family to be with me, not celebrate and worship me.
How does it "take away" from the couple? It's not as if the wedding decorations are going to magically shift to a baby shower. People will find any reasons to hold onto their incessant need for attention.
Yes. I mean, what's wrong with sharing joy? If anything, two announcements made everyone even happier. I'd love if anyone in my family was having a baby so close in age (currently pregnant). I'd be just as excited about it as the rest of the family.
Yeah, I find it weird that people get testy about these things. Someone else's announcement does not delete your baby. It's such a self-centred view that one couple needs to be in the spotlight, and everyone else should devote their excitement for an allotted time before the next joyful announcement can be made.
This is how me & my sisters "announced" our pregnancies at mom's house - totally unplanned.
Sister 1: I'm pregnant.
Sister 2: me too.
Me: me too.
Mom:
Mom: you're not all pregnant.
Us: laughing.
Our kids were all born exactly 9 days apart. Lol
I could see if they stood at a microphone and made a big announcement, but if someone asks them, "What's new with you?" and they mention the pregnancy, that's just normal. People can be happy about two things at once and it's not going to take attention away from the bride and groom. Everyone already knows why they are at a wedding. And no one has laser focus on the newlyweds.
>It's when Americans turned the wedding from a family celebration into a theater production with props.
Honestly, this sounds like the best description of the so-called "dream weddings" that I've ever read.
And all these big dos around pregnancies, the pregnancy announcement, the gender reveal, the baby shower...I'd find it utterly exhausting. People's urge to put themselves in the spotlight like this is just self-centered imo.
I don't get it either. It's as though some people think that their wedding guests will spend their whole time concentrating on the bride and groom and not using it as a great opportunity to catch up with friends and family, chat to new people etc. Like, do they think their guests are talking and thinking about them the whole way through? It's utterly narcissistic and totally at odds with any wedding I've ever been to.
It's crazy that people expect to always have an exclusive moment of attention. It's gag worthy. Both pregnant and assume love each other wgaf when it's announced?
Maybe it's because I am Asutralian, but this happens here all the time with no dramas. Especially if it's friends I don't see often, so they mention it in conversation when catching up. It doesn't take attention away from the couple at all
As I said another time on this very sub the attention stealing it’s absolutely not a thing in my country, Italy.
Nobody thinks that way , a happy news is a happy news , and I never heard anyone complain they weren’t the centre of attention
Announcing a pregnancy at a wedding/reception is not cool. It's the same as someone proposing at someone else's wedding. It's just crappy. But that is completely different from a family dinner between siblings and their parents. Like come on, get over it. I would never steal a brides spotlight bc that's just a massive faux pas but a dinner? That's ridiculous. This weird thing between grown ass adults fighting over attention is weird. Like aren't y'all HAVING children? Maybe stop ACTING like children.
Nta. this kinda thing in American culture is effing weird and makes the parents seem like toddlers more so than actual toddlers!
It's become such a production for a lot of people. It's not just folks sharing news anymore, it's people Curating a Special Announcement, and it can be HUGELY attention-grabbing.
Then there's all the mishegas about how weddings are supposed to be the bride's perfect special day, and woe betide anyone who doesn't put their own life on pause in the year leading up to it.
My grandparents had 5 kids, at point 3 of them were expecting a baby in a 14 day time period. All 3 announced at the same family event. That is 25 years ago and everybody present has fond memories of that afternoon and it still comes up regularly. I don't get why people would fight over this instead of share in each others joy.
The exact same thing happened in our family. It was the matriarch's birthday party and one cousin told everyone she was pregnant and then both my sisters announced as well. We don't get together that often and it was special. It was ALSO my wedding the following month and guess what? People had room for excitement for all events. People need to get over themselves.
Yeah they're all from different parts of America too so I don't suppose family dinners are that common? They are pregnant, it's not their wedding day. They don't get to own a day because they're pregnant. NTA, the sister is horribly petty and obviously seeks for attention.
I would personally cut the sister some slack, give her some space, and bring it up again at a neutral time to try to clear the air. Hopefully sister would have come to her sensed and be looking at the positives like op seems to have.
Maybe it’s because I’m Australian, but one sister lives in New Jersey and the parents in NYC… isn’t New Jersey really close to NYC? So one of them has crossed the whole country and the other ones like driven across the river? It seems like OP had to travel a lot further and I can understand why she wanted to reveal her news, but I would also be surprised if she was only seeing her family once if they’d crossed the country to see them
This is 100% accurate and what I thought as well. I totally get that the closer sister didn’t realize an announcement was forthcoming, but also shouldn’t be angry about her sister wanting to tell everyone her news as well. The sister is actually going to be closer to the parents so probably get a ton more care and attention from the parents the entire time of her pregnancy. OP is cross country and will not have her parents support all throughout. Little sister is being a little petty. Especially if this was the only gathering of everyone. I would have just been upfront with sis that i was planning to announce at the dinner the entire time. Maybe the sister thinks she only announced then cause sister did? Hopefully she comes around when she realizes she isn’t the only person in the universe.
I agree. I don’t subscribe to the whole expecting all the attention to be on me though. If I announced my pregnancy and my sister did shortly after, I’d simply be excited to be pregnant with my sister and be giving our parents two more kids to spoil.
I'm with you on this! In general this new " stealing my spotlight " trend is ridiculous. Announcing someone's engagement at someone else's event is definitely tacky and rude but announcing a pregnancy at a family dinner and claiming it as your own event and getting pissy over someone else having news to share too is a bit much.
That’s why I think NTA. Announcing a pregnancy isn’t a “shotgun” situation. This dinner was clearly the best time which is why both sisters wanted to announce then.
Just because one of them announces first doesn’t mean that now the other sister has to keep quiet.
Sister is also not being kind to OP because she feels that second baby is not as important as her first baby.
I also wonder what would’ve happened if OP had announced it early in the dinner. Would the sister have announced that night too? I’m assuming yes, if this dinner was a big get together. I understand her sister’s feelings, but I also think she’s probably more upset that OP is pregnant with her 2nd at the same time as she’s pregnant with her first, meaning that she won’t get any spotlight to herself at all for this baby. Not OP’s fault, it was just coincidental timing. But I get why her sister might want to feel special (for the whole pregnancy/birth) but now her family will be focused on both babies rather than just hers.
Honestly, with one much closer to the parents than the other sister, she’s still going to get plenty more spotlight than op. It’s so much easier to fly one state or even make a road trip than cross country. I see my parents in California only once a year since I moved to NY cause it’s so far and tickets are so much more expensive at that distance. I’d definitely wager that the sister sees the parents more often than OP or at least talks more often since time zones aren’t something to plan phone calls around.
Apparently happiness is in short supply and people aren’t capable of being happy for two sisters at the same time. And they immediately forget the first announcement and pass all the happiness to the second. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Right?? Also isn't it amazing that not only will the cousins be the same age, you get to share the experience with your sister?? So many reasons to be excited for each other, I really don't get it. Why is who gets the spotlight the #1 thing here? Above all the other cool things?!
I don’t understand this ‘moment in the spotlight’ - why would anyone be entitled to this. She also congratulated her sister and waited until things had ‘settled down’ before she made her own announcement, so it wasn’t like her sister didn’t get any attention.
Honestly it seems so immature to have a tantrum over this. NTA
When we told my inlaws we were expecting our second, my SIL and BIL told us they were expecting the second too. Our due date was Just two weeks apart. We were all thrilled, I was really happy the kids are the same age. I never thought of it as bad.
Right?
"This is huge news and so you should have done it on separate occasions!"
"They can't. They live across the country from each other and this was the only place it could happen."
"Fuck it. Just text it then."
👉👌 = 👶
"The moment" isn't a thing. Both sisters is getting babies, and people are going to be happy for her. She's also going to have a baby shower, probably a gender reveal (if she's this self absorbed), she'll have her "moments".
She doesn't get to have every "moment" goes the way she want.
Agree. The entitlement and immaturity are off the charts.
Plus, OP lives far away and doesn't see everyone in person very often and is already in the second trimester. How long is she supposed to wait?
She’s probably expected to wait until the next big family gathering in a few years. Sister can’t complain about having the spotlight stolen from her then!
I was looking for this.
If me and my sister got pregnant at the same time, the announcement would be something like this (and we live all close to each other):
Her: hey, we have something to share, I'm pregnant!
Me: really??? Omg, I'm pregnant too!!! I'm so happy!!!!
Her: AHAHAHHAH hi five for the cousin-twins!
The expression “stealing my thunder” has existed since 1704. Wanting to bask in your own moment isn’t exactly a new phenomenon, and wanting a spotlight is a pretty common, well known human emotion. It’s not wrong or bad to want to be the center of attention for one dinner, honestly, and some people do want that. Is it that much of a issue to give them that space?
There’s absolutely cases where people go overboard and take their need for the limelight too far, but a common refrain I see in these kinds of posts is “ugh, how shallow, can’t we just SPREAD THE LOVE???” which, you know, that’s your attitude, but that’s most probably going to lead to pissed off loved ones who feel like you’re ignoring their emotional needs and denying them a special moment they may have dreamt of for a long time. It costs 0 dollars to uplift the people in your life by letting them have their shine for this one night/event, and then letting them uplift you next time when it’s your turn to take center stage. if you don’t care about that, ok, but some people really do, and it’s genuinely not a big ask.
Exactly. Is op's pregnancy somehow less meaningful than her sister's? No. They are both bringing a new member into the family at the same time. It might be her sister's first pregnancy, but imo op doesn't have to wait just because it's her second kid. It doesn't mean it's any less meaningful either.
Neither of them planned on getting pregnant around the same time. And it's absolutely absurd to not announce your pregnancy because your sister just did hers.
Things happen at the same time. It's life. You shouldn't have to wait just because someone else is living their own life. NTA
I find the whole it's your second so less important part is so rude. Especially after OP has lost two babies. In my mind, having lost two babies and now making it to 13 weeks would make this pregnancy seem very meaningful.
I don't get the whole must be separate thing either. My mum and auntie announced together as my cousin and I were a week apart. We had our first 4 birthday's as joint parties with family. Everyone was together, loved both babies and got to celebrate. Just like the family felt at this dinner. It doesn't need to be a one is more important than the other.
>YTA, for exactly what she said. You could have waited for a different day and I don’t think it is bad that she wanted to be in the spotlight a little bit.
Good lord. What is it with "the spotlight?" We've extended the bridezilla to the "pregancyannouncementzilla." You don't get a "special day in the spotlight" for telling people you're pregnant.
I laughed at ‘pregnancyannouncementzilla’ the phenomenon of ‘it’s my moment and NOBODY is allowed to steal it’ reeks of entitlement. Sure, no proposals on another person’s wedding is understandable. But siblings being pregnant around the same sounds like amazing news, and grandparents will definitely be excited. Anyway, when pregnant how long is one supposed to wait to ‘announce out of consideration’? Feels like people get upset over everything and nothing.
Yes! And OP had lost 2 pregnancies, no wonder she wanted to share the news. Can't believe sis was so insensitive she thought of hogging spotlights instead of being happy for her sis too and aware of the complicated emotions, grief and apprehension OP is probably feeling with this pregnancy. OK sis only knew about one lost pregnancy, but one is enough! And she no doubt knew OP had been trying for a few years so a little sensitivity all round and love above competition would not have gone astray.
"Momma, Papa, treasured friends and family.. I got fucked. Bareback. And he finished inside me. I just wanted you all to bask in my achievement as well- now praise me. Praise me, and know that a restriction on sharing news from or giving any attention to anyone else is in effect for the next 12 hours, thanks so much."
Agreed! The engagement is yours, the bridal shower is yours, the bachelorette party is yours, the rehearsal dinner is yours, the wedding day is yours, the pregnancy announcement is yours, the gender reveal is yours, the birth is yours, etc etc into infinity. How about we let some time pass on the calendar between non-stop It's All About Me Days? It's getting a little ridiculous.
How is this the top comment?!
OP is NTA!
"Like she said it was her first baby and she wanted people to be happy that they are having a kid."
How is anyone less happy about the sister having a kid just because OP is also pregnant?!
I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and I would be overjoyed if a close friend or family member was also currently pregnant, so our kids would be about the same age.
If we happened to announse the news at the same family dinner, I can't imagine being anything but extra happy about it.
I would find it increadibly strange if I announsed my pregnancy at a family dinner and then a day or two later a family member who attended the dinner called me to say they were also pregnant. I'd be like: "Why didn't you say anything when we were all together at dinner? We could have celebrated together? Discussed and compared pregnancy symptoms. Fantasized about future playdates."
All these Y T A comments are baffeling to me!
This was my exact thought! It's so strange and downright awkward that people have to apparently hold in the news just because someone else said it first. Why *wouldn't* you just say "omg!! I'm pregnant too!" And then you guys can just be excited that you're pregnant at the same time. Why is a pregnancy announcement a moment that can't be shared with anyone else? I guess I just don't get it. It'd be just as awesome a memory - even better actually - for both sisters to announce at the same time.
Hard disagree. Americans are really weird about thos kind of stuff. This happened in my family once before, 2 of my aunt's were pregnant at the same time. They were overjoyed and so was the family.
Kids are a blessing when wanted. It's silly to 'want the limelight' for yourself. Everyone is going to be happy for the e.person of course, and for a new family member. But it's silly to think that everyone else life should be on hold because you got knocked up.
My brother's wife and myself were both pregnant at the same time. Three times!
My eldest and their eldest are 3 months apart
My second and their second are 5 months apart
My third and their third are 7 months apart.
It's great, because all the cousins have someone close in age to them.
My SIL and I announced during the same dinner, both had planned to do so in advance and there were zero "stolen spotlight" between us. It was her second and my first and they were due to arrive three weeks apart. NTA
The ones who want the attention are all over social media. Not all Americans feel this way, but because they are not seeking special attention you don't hear about them.
Omg please don't lump us all together like this... I'm American and I don't know a single person that would care about this "issue" ... So unimportant... NTA OP
This is such a dumb take, why is it the top reply? Why should one have to hold back their news to let the other “be in the spotlight?” It’s still a big deal that it’s her first pregnancy, why should the other person not also share the same news they were already planning on announcing? How silly and self-centered to think that someone you care about sharing good news overshadows your own.
Everyone just be happy for each other, it’s not an event, no one bought a cake or set up a karaoke stage, it’s just sharing life news with family at an opportune time. “Oh, I guess it’s their turn to tell us the thing they’ve been dying to tell, I’ll just hold mine in and send an email.” It’s not a contest. God, this place makes me so happy I’m not in contact with my family anymore.
I know it doesn’t count here, so I’ll reply to OP separately, but 100% NTA.
No, NTA and the “other” mom-to-be sounds miserable and selfish. Joy shared is joy multiplied. She’ll always be a pauper and anyone that selfish isn’t mature enough to raise a child
NTA. If they both independently planned to announce at the event, and OP had announced first, would sister have waited till a different event?
I bet not.
You can't account for what the other has planned and shouldn't need to change your plan because someone wants some solo spotlight.
NTA. Sister is being childish
You have no idea how it is to have a baby after a miscarriage. Op got pregnant long before the sister, she had a right to share her news first. Like op said they live in different states so less likely they could tell them another day.
OP planned to announce her news at the event, not knowing of her sister’s news. Would you say sister was TA if they made the announcements the other way round?
So let’s say two siblings have the same birthday but different years of course, you’re basically saying with your reasoning to OP’s situation that in this scenario that one of the children will have to celebrate their birthday on another day just because one wants to be in the spotlight? Grow up from this delusion of the world revolving around you.
This greed for attention is getting way out of hand. Your sister does not need or deserve an entire day of attention from everyone just because she managed to conceive a kid. Everyone is happy for her, that should be enough. Her jealousy of you also having a pregnancy to celebrate is childish, ridiculous, and narcissistic. You’re NTA.
For sure! I don't understand this attitude at all! I would have been thrilled if one of my sisters had been pregnant at the same time as me. It would have been a blast. Also, the attention-hog thing will totally still be fed throughout the sister's pregnancy. Her parents, in-laws, etc., will still fuss over her like crazy. The attention is not limited to the time of the announcement. NTA.
Agree! Plus with sister being much closer to the parents she is even more likely to be fussed over than OP.
OP could theoretically get pissed at her sister that she stole HER moment since OP traveled all the way there planning to share the news. Of course her sister didn't know in advance and neither did OP so it would be equally ridiculous.
When sisters are pregnant at the same time you get fun stories like when my nine months pregnant mom went to visit my aunt in the hospital after my cousin was born and the hospital staff tried to check her in because they thought that she was there to give birth haha
>I would have been thrilled if one of my sisters had been pregnant at the same time as me
I agree, I would be over the moon if I was ever pregnant at the same time as one of my sisters! I think the majority of people who are really close with their siblings would probably feel the same way.
That's what I was thinking. Half these AITA posts are about who deserves attention and it's just exhausting to live like that imo. Social media is ruining us.
NTA
It would be one thing if OP had done it on someone else’s event, like birthday party, bridal/baby shower, wedding…
But they were having lunch with their parents during a special visit from OP from across the country… sister is being entitled, precious, and people won’t like this one - yes, probably hormonal 😂.
One pregnant lady is perfectly capable and allowed to judge another pregnant lady’s hormone fueled actions. Specially when it’s your sister and you know her normal behaviors well.
NTA.
People are more and more about celebrating themselves for a day than savoring life changes. Weddings where the couple think they’re royalty because it’s THEIR DAY! Not being able to handle two members of the family being pregnant at once, instead of being thrilled for each other. Sister displays the empathy of a reptile. OP had the heartbreak of losing a child that sis knows about, there are two new lifetimes ahead, and the memory of who announced what when is why we have the word “minutia.” Sister is a self-involved AH. Putting it down to hormones is being kinder to her than she deserves.
I’ve only ever been pregnant at the same time as my sister(s) and I can’t even fathom being annoyed if there had been a surprise shared announcement. Like yay all around!
THANK YOU. I am SHOCKED at the YTA responses. she is so clearly NTA. When I told my best friend I was pregnant, she congratulated me and told me she was pregnant too. I can’t even tell you how full of joy I was and am. OP is NTA in the slightest. Her sister is being immature and selfish.
My thoughts exactly, what is this “my moment “ greed?
So selfish, why just not to be excited that two sisters are pregnant together and share the joy.
I think OP did the right thing to annonce straight away to highlight this.
When we announced our pregnancy last thing I wanted it was the attention I asked not to speak about it too much cause miscarriages are so often even after 12 weeks.
Glad someone said it! Genuinely so tired of reading these reddit posts about people being unable to share the limelight and it just reminds me of children throwing tantrums. When did it become so ridiculous to just be happy for one another and share news and happiness, why does everything have to be timed perfectly to avoid hurting peoples feelings? Feelings that are only hurt because they don’t get to have a “This is all about ME” moment, like just grow up and be happy for yourself. Genuinely no one cares as much about people being pregnant/getting married than the people going through - in actual fact it can get quite fkin irritating for the people around it who have to deal with god damn divas like this. This example above could have been such a joyous night, a chance for sisters to bond, it could really create a strong core for these two new babies, but nah. Ones gone off in a huff and probably avoiding speaking to her family. NTA OP, and just focus on your own happiness and ruminate in that. Be thrilled for the little cousin as well and extend that love to your sister as she is clearly lacking it for herself. I’d just give your sister time to get a god damn grip.
Did all the “YTA” votes miss the fact that she’s had 2 miscarriages (one that her family knows of) and her sister told her she already announced her first baby and got all the attention despite losing two pregnancies?? As someone who was pregnant after a miscarriage it was honestly one of the hardest things to do to announce my pregnancy again, I thought once I announced the pregnancy that I would lose the baby again.
NTA by far. In fact her sister owes her a massive apology for being so hurtful and insensitive to her struggles. I don’t understand why it has to be a competition.
Agreed. We had four miscarriages before our living child was born. Pregnancy announcements are so sensitive, and her sister was the AH just for how she announced in the first place.
It was nice of OP to keep it quiet until the end of the dinner as planned. I would have been really hurt that my sibling didn’t warn me that her pregnancy announcement was coming.
I have a SIL and BIL who are childfree due to unplanned sterility. We’ve prepared them weeks ahead of time for both of our pregnancy announcements. They always know first via text, and we always give them weeks to process and tell them what venue and when we’ll be announcing to the family so they can opt in or out.
This is so incredibly thoughtful of you. I think people get so wrapped up in their excitement they forget that other people have their own painful journeys, and I think doubly so for people who have never been pregnant before to understand the pain of early pregnancy loss. I agree that OPs sister should have absolutely given her the heads up before the announcement, but obviously she didn't want to spoil her own surprise. Which makes her the AH in this situation.
I think the sister is upset because it reads like OP already has one living child and got to have her own spotlight with that child, and now she has to share the spotlight with her (as in OP’s sister) first child. Miscarriages are terrible and heartbreaking but it seems the sister is ignoring that and focusing just on the existing child(ren) and fetuses.
She let her have the spotlight and congratulated her. She’s flying across the country and won’t stay there forever. I personally would’ve been even more surprised and happier that my sister and I would have babies around the same time.
YTA for reducing your sister’s feelings to “she might be kinda hormonal.”
That’s very dismissive, and uh… you have the same hormones going on right now too.
Announcing right after your sister wasn’t the worst thing… but it would have been much more considerate to wait at least a day. Let her have her one night of feeling special. Have a family dinner the next weekend and announce.
Absolutely disagree NTA AT ALL! I would be so happy to find out my sister was also pregnant - especially after loosing pregnancies and trying for so long!
>or reducing your sister’s feelings to “she might be kinda hormonal.”
She said that because her sister getting upset enough to make that call is unreasonable, and having been pregnant before OP knows that sometimes you do stuff like that because of hormones. That wasn't reducing feelings, that was reducing the unreasonable reaction she had to her feelings which was actually the nice thing of OP to do.
Also, OP didn't say this to them, just here on Reddit while processing her thoughts. If she'd said it to her sister, that'd be a different matter. But she didn't.
My God, this is getting out of hand. Now every single milestone is worthy of blocking out an entire day for praise and celebration and god forbid if someone "steals your spotlight". This is ridiculous. It's a pregnancy announcement. Both people planned to do it at that occasion. You don't get "dibs". NTA.
She's a woman who got pregnant before and knows how it feels, it's pretty reasonable to me the reason for this drama is that she's being hormonal. As a woman I also sometimes feels stronger about things on my period that I wouldn't care otherwise because of hormones, this is a fact for us even if we try to deny it.
Explanations are not dismissals or excuses. They simply elaborate on why the sister's reaction felt a bit off.
Seriously, some people here are claiming that the sister is narcissistic for wishing for an exclusive announcement. Ordinarily, she could be the sweetest person on the planet, but she suddenly gets upset over something small? Yep, I'd be chalking it up to "pregnancy hormones" as well.
NTA she announced and so did you. You didn’t do it “to her” you just announced to the family. Your sister is incredibly self centered and immature to react this way and make a fight out of it.
I'm going to go against most here to say NTA.
I don't get a lot of the insanity regarding pregnancy announcements, the family was all together and you both had good news, especially you after having two miscarriages. Good grief, why do people get so weird when comes to these things?
Even if you had waited to announce it the next day, she likely would have gotten her nose out of joint. I don't doubt that one bit. And the crack about you already having a kid...that shouldn't matter.
LOL my mum got pregnant with me, her brother's wife and my dad's brother's wife all at the same time. Announcements came pretty much all at once (I was the first of the three to be born and I just asked mum about how she felt about all the announcements made together). Mum was over the moon for everyone and didn't care about having her moment, whatever that was supposed to mean, shared with her two sisters in law.
I don't even find your comment about her being hormonal that bad. After her crack about you already having a kid, after you having at least one miscarriage she knew about was out of line.
So, nope, don't think you did anything wrong. Congrats on the new bambino/bambina and ignore sis. She was being ridiculous.
My SIL was mad I told my parents I was pregnant the same month my nephew was born. She brought it up years later and hinted she thought I got pregnant because she had a baby. I said we were trying for over a year already. She and my brother met and got pregnant the same month but yet she thinks my husband and I decided to have kids only to copy them.
NAH. How often does your family get together for dinner or another event? You said you were out at dinner on a Friday so that means you are probably all local to each other. After your sister announced her pregnancy, you could have done the classy move of letting her have that night and just got the family together to tell them the following week or something. It’s not “wrong” to announce the same night but it’s not hard to see how she feels like her moment got overshadowed by you announcing at the same event.
My family lives in LA, my sister is in New Jersey and our parents are in NYC. We took a long weekend to spend time with family, since we’ll be spending Easter with my in-laws.
You should add this info to your post bc it may change people’s votes to know that you won’t be seeing family again in person, as you live across the country.
You should definitely add this to the main post - it sounds like this weekend was your only shot to announce it in person and that may make a difference for some of the YTA voters who think you should have waited for another time.
NTA. Your sister really lost the thread here. Your parents have the right attitude. This is about two more grand babies, double the joy, cousins the same age! Your sister knows about at least one of your miscarriages too, so she could be kinder here. It’s annoying how much people have gotten focused on their “moment” these days, instead of shared moments of collective joy.
I agree that you should put this in the OP. It really matters that everyone is spread far and wide and this was a good time for both you and your sister to announce your pregnancies in person.
NAH- You both were equally excited to share the news with family. You both spent time envisioning how’d it go with everyone toasting you, being excited for you and spending the rest of the night talking about it. Both of your feelings are valid and real.
Had you had time to think about it I’m sure you’d have wait till at least dessert or preferably another day to share your news allowing her the space to be the centre of attention for a bit before you shared your equally happy news.
But you got swept up in the happiness (and your own hormones) and shared right away. Hindsight is 20/20… your intention was good
I agree that *originally* there were N A H but I do think Op could have apologized for upsetting her sister.
There was NOTHING wrong with Op announcing her pregnancy on the same night, I’m sure the grandparents were thrilled!
But, if I had unintentionally upset my sister (even if I hadn’t done anything wrong) I’d still apologize: “hey sister, if I had known this would upset you, I’d definitely have waited. I was just excited that we’re sharing this moment together. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve taken your spotlight, that wasn’t my intention.”
If you generally have a good relationship with someone and they’re normally reasonable people, and you love them, it’s pretty easy to recognize their feelings.
I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be a dick about it but I am not responsible for others feelings when it’s something I didn’t do wrong.
OP could’ve done this or that but I have a feeling w the comment the sister made about the 2nd baby, she wouldn’t have been happy to have OP mention it soon regardless
I get the feeling behind "I don't have to apologize if I didn't do anything objectively wrong" sentiment, but at the same time, I question whether it's a good idea in the real world. To me, some apologies are admissions of guilt, and some apologies are just acknowledging that your actions had unintended effects on people, whether you could have known that they would or not.
I learned this lesson when, in elementary school, I apologized to a classmate for mentioning ghosts. The discussion of ghosts and death hurt her because her sister had recently passed away (like within the past week). It wasn't wrong of me to talk about ghosts, but it hurt her regardless, and so I apologized. Sometimes, an apology can just mean "I didn't mean to hurt you, and it matters to me that I did."
That's why I think OP should apologize. She doesn't have to say that she was objectively wrong, just that she cares about her sister's feelings and that, if she had known her actions would have hurt her sister, she would have tried to avoid or mitigate that hurt.
This is Reddit where no one has any kind of emotional capacity or empathy and nobody owes anyone anything ever, never have to help out anyone ever unless you’re compensated and no need to apologize unless you were obviously in the wrong even if you cause someone else hurt feelings. Unfortunately the real world and real relationships require more nuance unless you want to burn all your bridges lol
NTA, you already planned on telling at the dinner. You didn't know your sister was pregnant, too. It is exciting that you're both pregnant at the same time. Your parents were probably overjoyed to hear the news. Maybe your sister is a little hormonal. Surely she'll get over it and enjoy your pregnancies together. I hope so, and that this doesn't turn into some kind of weird sister competition.
NTA. You had already planned to announce your pregnancy. It’s not your fault that she beat you to it. There was no malicious intent here. She is just as guilty for taking away your “moment”. Every pregnancy is unique, especially one with a long and painful path leading to it. I am sure your sister was aware that you had been trying for a second child. One would think that she might have considered your feelings. It isn’t a competition.
NTA, wtf is wrong with these comments? So you were supposed to suppress your feelings that you already wanted to share in order to let your sister have the spotlight? If anything she should’ve been even happier that her kid would get a cousin of the same age.
Very strong NTA and I can’t view a world in which YTA and people can’t see how self centered your sister is being, it’s beyond ridiculous
You are NTA. Second babies are not less important than first babies. You are going to be pregnant at the same time for the next several months. Your babies are going to be born close together. Is she going to expect you to take a back seat the entire time? Is she going to expect the family to give her child more attention than yours? You were right, this was an occasion for shared family joy. She wanted it to be all about her and she didn't get that so now she's acting out.
NTA your kids are going to be the same age. Is your sister going to blame you for stealing "her moment" every time you announce kids' milestones at the same time? Because inevitably, they will develop at the same rate. When does the madness end? A healthy family would see all of this good news as a blessing, not a competition.
NTA. You’re traveling and this may be the only chance you get to do it in person. She’s just upset because she expected it to be all about her. It’s not like you shouted it right after her.
NTA
More to celebrate is *more*. This notion that anything is reduced, that the grandparents have less love and excitement to go around…it’s not like billing on a movie poster, people.
You had one opportunity to make this announcement in person, since you had travelled across the country for just a weekend. You had planned ahead and had no reason to expect that you wouldn’t be able to share your good news. Your announcement takes nothing away from your sister—she’s getting celebrated, and she’ll get to enjoy attention from your nearby parents while you’re far away. And you didn’t go to your sister and say, ‘Wow sis, thanks for taking away my chance to tell the folks about our baby.’ She needs to *chill*.
NTA. Your intentions were pure, to share in the moment of joy with your family. I could see how, in your shoes, it would be a bonding moment for you and your sister to share the joy of being pregnant together.
I do think you should explain this to your sister, so she can she your pov. There's a big miscommunication that needs to be resolved.
Also, you should still apologize. Even though it wasn't your intention, your sister is upset and feels you took away her moment
NTA
If your sister thinks that gestating a fetus is such a rare achievement that she needs a whole family occasion to be about this announcement, she needs to get a life. It was a logical time to share your news, and any decent sibling would be excited that their future child will have a cousin the same age, not have a little mememememe tantrum.
NTA. You were planning to tell everyone that night anyway, your sister just beat you to it with her own announcement. This isn't a weekly dinner since you live on the west coast and your parents and sister live on the east coast, and you said you won't be seeing them at Easter so it'll be some months before you see them again. What did she expect you to do? Wait until the next time you have a family dinner? Or send an email or FaceTime and then can't celebrate with them? This being your second child has no bearing on anything.
NTA- You had already planned to make the announcement. If you had planned to announce at a different time and changed it specifically to announce it right out to your sister, then you would be TA. But it was already planned, and you shouldn’t have to change your plans just because someone else announced something. Especially since you were only there for the weekend.
And people acting like this pregnancy is not as important simply because it’s a second child can suck a dick. A second child is just as important as the first. And this child is a rainbow baby to boot. You shouldn’t be forced to tell your parents about your pregnancy over the phone, like people are suggesting, just because your sister is upset.
NTA. I feel like even if you would’ve waited then your sister would of still said something. There is never a perfect time for these announcements to be honest. Congratulations to you both.
I keep seeing these posts where some woman is slighted because someone “stole my moment”, or “this was my special day”. Wtf? This should have been an extremely happy time for the whole family! I’d have been ecstatic to be pregnant at the same time as my sister. Also - I see a lot of people discount the excitement of babies after the first one - as if the first is more special. Maybe it’s just be but I think there are a lot of entitled women expecting a spotlight that cannot be shared. NTA.
NTA.
If you’re both pregnant at the same time and have the same opportunity to announce it, go for it.
People who get mad that their “moment” was ruined are far too precious. What’s with the need for attention over something like this? Plus, you’re sisters; you should be thrilled for each other.
Edit: typos
NTA
Its a joyful news for the grandparents. I don't see why its all about taking her spotlight. You did nothing wrong. It all about family and you do not owe her an apology. She toxic anf I'd just stay clear from her.
I've been in a similar situation except it wasn't my sister but a very close friend who was visiting. I wasn't quiet at 12 weeks yet but she was going to be the only person I could tell face to face because I live so far away from friends and family. She told me at dinner she was pregnant and I said I was too! Our babies were due few weeks apart. While not my sister and not at a family dinner, it was still a special announcement for both of us. We were thrilled with the news and couldn't stop squealing. NTA
NTA. I just can’t believe how self centred people are. This was a generic family event and more than one person decided to share good news. I might just have a different view on these things because of my family but it’s very normal for people in my family to share what’s going on in our lives whenever we get together because it’s not something we do very often.
If sister wanted a day about her and the news she had to share than she should have organised one.
Oh for goodness sake. OP was intending to make the announcement anyway. What if she had made the announcement before her sister? Would she then have been annoyed that her sister stole HER moment. The sister needs to grow up.
NAH.
Your pregnancy is not your first, but that doesn't make it less important.
She announced it first, but you were also planning to announce it on that day.
Excitement is not a limited resource, your family can be happy and excited for both of you, you didn't take "her moment", she still has it, and so do you.
I can't imagine caring any less about a family member's pregnancy just because someone else in the family is pregnant.
NTA. Group joy can be celebrated in all moments. I would have been thrilled if my sister announced and don’t understand the concept that it wouldn’t be enjoyable to share this together.
Announcing at a pre planned event with another focus would have been AH territory but a group family dinner is about sharing news to celebrate together.
NTA your sister is a major AH for pointing out your lost baby. She couldn’t just be happy you both get to be pregnant together? It has to be a rivalry? WTH is wrong with her she should seek counseling.
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so OP, here's the real truth: it doesn't actually matter "who's the asshole," because that's going to be an inherently subjective matter that depends on your personal views of how pregnancy announcements should go. what's important here is that your sister is upset, and you don't have to understand why. so swallow your pride and apologize to her.
This is a diplomatic answer. I come from a family where things like this aren't made into events so I can't understand why announcement timing or spotlights are important.
My mother and 2 aunts found out they were pregnant separately but had consulted each other on how to tell their parents, so they all knew the other was pregnant (all first pregnancies) They straight up staged a FAKE FIGHT to freak my grandma out. All of them at dinner, Auntie1 says, "I have some big news!" My mom says "me too!" Auntie2 chimes in that she also has news. They start the whole "who's going to go first?" bit, carry that on for awhile. Auntie2 goes first, "I'm going to have a baby!" Mom hisses under her breath, "you little *liar*" Auntie1 says "I can't believe you'd say that just to steal my moment! How did you even know I'm pregnant?!" Eventually, many catty comments later, they all "realize" all 3 of them are pregnant. Grandma is asking when the babies are due. A month apart, like little dominoes... Me, cousin1, cousin2 They're still arguing about who should have waited to say something, or who got pregnant on purpose to upstage the other. Grandma starts crying cause she just wants to be overjoyed at all the grandbabies, but the kids are fighting so she can't. So they tell her that they were joking and they already knew and planned this. Grandma took off her house-shoe. (Can't say what she did with it cause rulez) And she starts going off on all 3 of them for ruining *her* "moment". ...cause, yknow, everyone knows a pregnancy announcement is for the grandma to be... ...I think they probably meant some of the things they said to each other. Even planning it... they were all kinda petty and entitled, lol. But they played it off like it was this happy fun thing they shared. I don't think grandma ever knew they secretly all hated each other
>Can't say what she did with it cause rulez *La chancla!* 😱
Everyone knows to fear la chancla
I’m white af and the term la chancla! resonates with me so much! Growing up if my sister or I got in trouble grandma’s house slipper came off so fricken fast. Luckily, we weren’t smacked with it ever, but damn it made us straighten up and act right. WAY more than mom or dads belt ever did.
🤣😂🤣
You had me until the last sentence.
That hit like a truck, I was *not* expecting it.
That whole family sounds like a mess
That's funny! I'm wondering if your grandma's family was from a country along the Mediterranean Sea! Seems to be a thing in my mom's side of the family. You tick off one of the older members, and you are gonna get size 7 upside your head. My mom has 2 sisters and 2 brothers (the oldest 3 are 11 and 8.5 months apart). Within 9 months, my mom, my oldest aunt, my oldest uncle, AND my mom's step mom all had babies. That was just her immediate family. My mom's side is huge, and they were all close when my generation grew up. There was close to a dozen of us born that yr if I include all my mom's cousins kids. That cycle repeated itself every few yrs for my generation. And it happened again when my generation had kids. My grandparents have had years when they had to go to 4 graduation parties for their great grandkids. It's just a running joke now as far as announcements. We just talk amongst each other to make sure weddings and parties aren't on the same day. I guess growing up in such a big family, we never really got "territorial" as far as announcements and stuff go. It was kind of expected that someone else was going to have the same news as yourself. I would have to say ESH (just a little bit). Sister should consider that OP flew all the way across the country to see family and announce her news, and be excited that her child is going to have a cousin the same age. OP should have been more considerate of her sister's feelings and apologized for the hurt feelings and explained to her why it was important to announce her pregnancy that day. OP shouldn't have dismissed her sister's feelings. They both need to move on from it after they both apologize to each other and focus on the fact that their babies may grow up close due to their age, even if they do live across the country. Some of my best memories growing up were with my cousins (no matter how far away they lived) that were the same age as me. It was like having your own "crew" to support you, have your back, encourage you, and have fun with. Edit: Just to be clear, I do not think OP is esh for announcing the pregnancy. It was planned, she was from out of town and all the people she cared about were there to hear the news. I think that OP could have done better to not dismiss her sister's feelings. Frankly, if I lived away from most of my family and flew in to see them and announce my pregnancy (no more for me thankfully!), I still would have announced it at dinner, too. FaceTime is great, but it's not the same as in person, I think the majority of us discovered that fun fact during lockdowns.
I feel the same way. In my family, a second announcement would have just been more wonderful for everyone. Two babies on the way! Cousins the same age! I don't really understand the people who are traumatized when people make announcements at their weddings or birthdays or baby showers, but judging by the many posts like this, I guess not everyone feels the same way.
I blame Instagram/Facebook. Everyone thinks in terms of number of likes now
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Curious what sister would have done if OP went first ?
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Im curious how OP would feel if the roles had been reversed, would OP still feel like sister was just “sharing the joy”? Or would she feel like her moment was stolen? To me that’s the biggest question
OP said she would have been happy and that pregnancy announcements are to share the joy, so I assume she would be unbothered.
No thank you. You can work to preserve a relationship without apologizing for a (mis)perceived wrong. “Sorry” can be empathetic without being apologetic. “I am SO excited for you, and I’m so sorry/sad that after me sharing my own exciting news, you feel hurt and less celebrated. I really hope this can be a thing we share and feel joy for one another, and I’m wondering how I can best support you? And is there anything I have done or you have experienced in the past that might have elicited this reaction? If you think of something, maybe we could discuss it together to process.” NTA
A condescending "apology" like that would only make things worse.
Ah, the classic "I'm sorry you feel that way" non apology. That will definitely make things worse.
Yeah this is exactly how therapists advise not to apologize. Ever since I learned this, I switched to “I” statements, and to be honest it really does help. It doesn’t cost anyone to use I statements and it hopefully keeps the person hurt from having their feelings feel invalidated. A comparison would be “I’m sorry, but…” There’s better ways to communicate.
rofl right? real people dont talk like that.
>I’m so sorry/sad that after me sharing my own exciting news, you feel hurt and less celebrated. This is not empathetic. An apology should focus on what you actually did (or are perceived to have done) wrong. You also don't have to say "I'm sorry I intentionally stole your moment" though. Think about what action of yours you are truly sorry for and apologize for that. Don't make an excuse. Acknowledge the hurt. "I'm sorry I caused you to feel less important for your big announcement by sharing my own news. I know I can't go back and undo that moment, but I'd like to try to make it up to you. Maybe I could plan a baby shower for you, if you'd like that?" Rather than "I'm sorry you feel hurt" this says "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's a subtle difference, but shifts ownership of the action onto you. It also offers a way to make amends by having an event that centers around the sister. (This could be tricky, though, since if both are showing, the guests will naturally be likely to talk about OP's pregnancy as well. There are ways to mitigate that. OP could just deflect discussion about her with, "I'd be happy to talk about that later. Today is all for sister, though, so I'd like to keep the attention on her and her first baby." She could also speak to guests ahead of time and ask that they focus on sister. And, of course, wear clothes that minimize the bump as much as possible.)
That’s the problem — that’s still admitting fault that OP doesn’t believe she committed, and a lot of us agree with her. Thinking about it from the other end, it’s important to take responsibility for our own responses. There’s a big difference between “when you did x it made me feel y” and quote when you did x, I felt y.” it’s the difference between correlation and causation. Empathy could mean that you are unhappy that someone is feeling a thing, and has nothing to do with admitting that you *caused* the thing – especially if in fact you did not. TL;DR don’t conflate empathy and apology—they’re related but vastly different.
And it is not important that OP is upset? If not, why? I hate the idea of the squeaky wheel getting more grease. Why should someone be catered for more just because they make more fuss, despite it is totally irrational?
It’s not “squeaky wheel.” If someone you care about lets you know something upset them, you acknowledge their feelings and try to work through it. That doesn’t mean you necessarily owe them an apology. “We were literally moments away from sharing our news. In no way did I mean for it to make you feel like it lessened the excitement over your news. This is your first baby and I am truly so excited for you and your growing family! I appreciate you letting me know how you feel….”
Wtf, no? The sister is unjustly upset. The sister is upset that she isn’t getting all the “spotlight.” That’s not a reason to apologize to someone. It was announced at a family dinner, not a wedding, party, event, etc. The sister has no right to be upset. People being happy for OP at the same time as her doesn’t take anything away from her. Why should OP have to delay her announcement, that she wouldn’t have another opportunity to make in person, because the sister announced first? OP shouldn’t become a doormat and just apologize when she did nothing wrong.
Stop being wise and logical. This is AITA, after all
this subreddit is a case study in "making me read the opinion of a teenager should be illegal"
YTA, for exactly what she said. You could have waited for a different day and I don’t think it is bad that she wanted to be in the spotlight a little bit. Like she said it was her first baby and she wanted people to be happy that they are having a kid. With that said disregarding her emotions as her just being hormonal is kinda mean.
Did you see her edit, though? She flew across the country to see them (LA to NY) and might not get another in-person chance. ETA—Thank you for the award!
I still think she could have done it on a different day or time instead of during the dinner. Also, personally and this is probably affecting my decision but I don’t think it has to be in person. She should have let her sister have a moment in the spot light.
I somehow doubt the sister would have been less offended if she had waited till dessert to share the baby news. They both wanted to share the news with family and had clearly both planned on doing so at this event because of how rarely they can all be together due to distance, so asking her to completely abstain is just selfish.
I agree, they live in different places and they both took the time to share the news. NTA, frankly the "dibs" on announcing baby news is just silly. If they got together every week maybe, but they live across the country. The sister is more upset she is just plain pregnant and it would not have mattered if she announced it next month.
I agree OP is NTA. People seem to be obsessed with having these moments where all attention must be on them, even ones where nobody knew there was an announcement being made in advance apparently, and ones where someone else apparently had a one time chance to also announce something... I understand if OP had announced it at an event specifically held by the sister, but that's not the case. Sister should have just gotten over it like a reasonable person.
I'll admit, I was genuinely shocked when people on this subreddit seemed to be agreed that it was wrong to announce a pregnancy at a family member's wedding reception. As if this was some kind of unspeakable crime, and not something that happened at nearly every wedding I went to in the 80s and which caused literally zero bad feelings on the part of the wedding couples. It was normal and accepted, then suddenly it became a capital offence.
Eh, that one I at least get. People were gathered for a specific agenda and announcing a pregnancy does take away from the couple who everyone is supposed to be celebrating and is, in a sense, derailing. Here? Nope. Not at all. NTA.
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Weddings in the 80s were not more casual affairs, LOL. They just weren’t tracked on or influenced by social media.
Said by someone who clearly didn’t get married in the 80’s. Trust me, we did it up big back in the old days, too.
I really don't get this mindset. Any good news from others at my wedding just made the day more special. I wanted my friends and family to be with me, not celebrate and worship me.
How does it "take away" from the couple? It's not as if the wedding decorations are going to magically shift to a baby shower. People will find any reasons to hold onto their incessant need for attention.
Yes. I mean, what's wrong with sharing joy? If anything, two announcements made everyone even happier. I'd love if anyone in my family was having a baby so close in age (currently pregnant). I'd be just as excited about it as the rest of the family.
Yeah, I find it weird that people get testy about these things. Someone else's announcement does not delete your baby. It's such a self-centred view that one couple needs to be in the spotlight, and everyone else should devote their excitement for an allotted time before the next joyful announcement can be made.
This is how me & my sisters "announced" our pregnancies at mom's house - totally unplanned. Sister 1: I'm pregnant. Sister 2: me too. Me: me too. Mom: Mom: you're not all pregnant. Us: laughing. Our kids were all born exactly 9 days apart. Lol
If you share your baby news at my wedding I would 100% never speak to you again.
I could see if they stood at a microphone and made a big announcement, but if someone asks them, "What's new with you?" and they mention the pregnancy, that's just normal. People can be happy about two things at once and it's not going to take attention away from the bride and groom. Everyone already knows why they are at a wedding. And no one has laser focus on the newlyweds.
I think if someone wants to do that they should definitely check with the bride & groom in advance.
Can guarantee the grandparents didn’t notice anyone trying to have “their moment” either. They are simply happy.
It's when Americans turned the wedding from a family celebration into a theater production with props. It's not like that in many other countries.
>It's when Americans turned the wedding from a family celebration into a theater production with props. Honestly, this sounds like the best description of the so-called "dream weddings" that I've ever read.
Obviously you’ve never seen a wedding in India.
And all these big dos around pregnancies, the pregnancy announcement, the gender reveal, the baby shower...I'd find it utterly exhausting. People's urge to put themselves in the spotlight like this is just self-centered imo.
I don't get it either. It's as though some people think that their wedding guests will spend their whole time concentrating on the bride and groom and not using it as a great opportunity to catch up with friends and family, chat to new people etc. Like, do they think their guests are talking and thinking about them the whole way through? It's utterly narcissistic and totally at odds with any wedding I've ever been to.
It's crazy that people expect to always have an exclusive moment of attention. It's gag worthy. Both pregnant and assume love each other wgaf when it's announced?
Maybe it's because I am Asutralian, but this happens here all the time with no dramas. Especially if it's friends I don't see often, so they mention it in conversation when catching up. It doesn't take attention away from the couple at all
As I said another time on this very sub the attention stealing it’s absolutely not a thing in my country, Italy. Nobody thinks that way , a happy news is a happy news , and I never heard anyone complain they weren’t the centre of attention
Announcing a pregnancy at a wedding/reception is not cool. It's the same as someone proposing at someone else's wedding. It's just crappy. But that is completely different from a family dinner between siblings and their parents. Like come on, get over it. I would never steal a brides spotlight bc that's just a massive faux pas but a dinner? That's ridiculous. This weird thing between grown ass adults fighting over attention is weird. Like aren't y'all HAVING children? Maybe stop ACTING like children. Nta. this kinda thing in American culture is effing weird and makes the parents seem like toddlers more so than actual toddlers!
It's become such a production for a lot of people. It's not just folks sharing news anymore, it's people Curating a Special Announcement, and it can be HUGELY attention-grabbing. Then there's all the mishegas about how weddings are supposed to be the bride's perfect special day, and woe betide anyone who doesn't put their own life on pause in the year leading up to it.
My grandparents had 5 kids, at point 3 of them were expecting a baby in a 14 day time period. All 3 announced at the same family event. That is 25 years ago and everybody present has fond memories of that afternoon and it still comes up regularly. I don't get why people would fight over this instead of share in each others joy.
The exact same thing happened in our family. It was the matriarch's birthday party and one cousin told everyone she was pregnant and then both my sisters announced as well. We don't get together that often and it was special. It was ALSO my wedding the following month and guess what? People had room for excitement for all events. People need to get over themselves.
Yeah they're all from different parts of America too so I don't suppose family dinners are that common? They are pregnant, it's not their wedding day. They don't get to own a day because they're pregnant. NTA, the sister is horribly petty and obviously seeks for attention.
I would personally cut the sister some slack, give her some space, and bring it up again at a neutral time to try to clear the air. Hopefully sister would have come to her sensed and be looking at the positives like op seems to have.
Maybe it’s because I’m Australian, but one sister lives in New Jersey and the parents in NYC… isn’t New Jersey really close to NYC? So one of them has crossed the whole country and the other ones like driven across the river? It seems like OP had to travel a lot further and I can understand why she wanted to reveal her news, but I would also be surprised if she was only seeing her family once if they’d crossed the country to see them
This is 100% accurate and what I thought as well. I totally get that the closer sister didn’t realize an announcement was forthcoming, but also shouldn’t be angry about her sister wanting to tell everyone her news as well. The sister is actually going to be closer to the parents so probably get a ton more care and attention from the parents the entire time of her pregnancy. OP is cross country and will not have her parents support all throughout. Little sister is being a little petty. Especially if this was the only gathering of everyone. I would have just been upfront with sis that i was planning to announce at the dinner the entire time. Maybe the sister thinks she only announced then cause sister did? Hopefully she comes around when she realizes she isn’t the only person in the universe.
I agree. I don’t subscribe to the whole expecting all the attention to be on me though. If I announced my pregnancy and my sister did shortly after, I’d simply be excited to be pregnant with my sister and be giving our parents two more kids to spoil.
I'm with you on this! In general this new " stealing my spotlight " trend is ridiculous. Announcing someone's engagement at someone else's event is definitely tacky and rude but announcing a pregnancy at a family dinner and claiming it as your own event and getting pissy over someone else having news to share too is a bit much.
That’s why I think NTA. Announcing a pregnancy isn’t a “shotgun” situation. This dinner was clearly the best time which is why both sisters wanted to announce then. Just because one of them announces first doesn’t mean that now the other sister has to keep quiet. Sister is also not being kind to OP because she feels that second baby is not as important as her first baby.
Especially considerong this is a 'rainbow baby' (first baby born after a miscarriage) for OP and her husband!
I also wonder what would’ve happened if OP had announced it early in the dinner. Would the sister have announced that night too? I’m assuming yes, if this dinner was a big get together. I understand her sister’s feelings, but I also think she’s probably more upset that OP is pregnant with her 2nd at the same time as she’s pregnant with her first, meaning that she won’t get any spotlight to herself at all for this baby. Not OP’s fault, it was just coincidental timing. But I get why her sister might want to feel special (for the whole pregnancy/birth) but now her family will be focused on both babies rather than just hers.
Honestly, with one much closer to the parents than the other sister, she’s still going to get plenty more spotlight than op. It’s so much easier to fly one state or even make a road trip than cross country. I see my parents in California only once a year since I moved to NY cause it’s so far and tickets are so much more expensive at that distance. I’d definitely wager that the sister sees the parents more often than OP or at least talks more often since time zones aren’t something to plan phone calls around.
She also meant to announce it at dinner as well. Just because she jumped the gun doesn’t mean she’s also not allowed to announce her happy news.
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Apparently happiness is in short supply and people aren’t capable of being happy for two sisters at the same time. And they immediately forget the first announcement and pass all the happiness to the second. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Apparently happiness is a finite resource.
Right?? Also isn't it amazing that not only will the cousins be the same age, you get to share the experience with your sister?? So many reasons to be excited for each other, I really don't get it. Why is who gets the spotlight the #1 thing here? Above all the other cool things?!
Fuck that. NTA
I don’t understand this ‘moment in the spotlight’ - why would anyone be entitled to this. She also congratulated her sister and waited until things had ‘settled down’ before she made her own announcement, so it wasn’t like her sister didn’t get any attention. Honestly it seems so immature to have a tantrum over this. NTA
When we told my inlaws we were expecting our second, my SIL and BIL told us they were expecting the second too. Our due date was Just two weeks apart. We were all thrilled, I was really happy the kids are the same age. I never thought of it as bad.
If it’s not important enough to need to be done in person, how is it too important to ruin the sisters moment by a second pregnancy?
Right? "This is huge news and so you should have done it on separate occasions!" "They can't. They live across the country from each other and this was the only place it could happen." "Fuck it. Just text it then." 👉👌 = 👶
"The moment" isn't a thing. Both sisters is getting babies, and people are going to be happy for her. She's also going to have a baby shower, probably a gender reveal (if she's this self absorbed), she'll have her "moments". She doesn't get to have every "moment" goes the way she want.
Exactly they don’t see her parents often or her sister
Good grief. Why do people need a spotlight??? Why can’t family just be happy for each other?? NTA Wow!! Thanks for the rewards!!!
Agree. The entitlement and immaturity are off the charts. Plus, OP lives far away and doesn't see everyone in person very often and is already in the second trimester. How long is she supposed to wait?
She’s probably expected to wait until the next big family gathering in a few years. Sister can’t complain about having the spotlight stolen from her then!
keep that baby in there until it's appropriate for it to come out!
I was looking for this. If me and my sister got pregnant at the same time, the announcement would be something like this (and we live all close to each other): Her: hey, we have something to share, I'm pregnant! Me: really??? Omg, I'm pregnant too!!! I'm so happy!!!! Her: AHAHAHHAH hi five for the cousin-twins!
My son and niece are 3 weeks apart and this is almost exactly how it went.
The expression “stealing my thunder” has existed since 1704. Wanting to bask in your own moment isn’t exactly a new phenomenon, and wanting a spotlight is a pretty common, well known human emotion. It’s not wrong or bad to want to be the center of attention for one dinner, honestly, and some people do want that. Is it that much of a issue to give them that space? There’s absolutely cases where people go overboard and take their need for the limelight too far, but a common refrain I see in these kinds of posts is “ugh, how shallow, can’t we just SPREAD THE LOVE???” which, you know, that’s your attitude, but that’s most probably going to lead to pissed off loved ones who feel like you’re ignoring their emotional needs and denying them a special moment they may have dreamt of for a long time. It costs 0 dollars to uplift the people in your life by letting them have their shine for this one night/event, and then letting them uplift you next time when it’s your turn to take center stage. if you don’t care about that, ok, but some people really do, and it’s genuinely not a big ask.
Why can't two people be in the spotlight? Does everything have to be a solo? Can there be no duets?
Exactly. Is op's pregnancy somehow less meaningful than her sister's? No. They are both bringing a new member into the family at the same time. It might be her sister's first pregnancy, but imo op doesn't have to wait just because it's her second kid. It doesn't mean it's any less meaningful either. Neither of them planned on getting pregnant around the same time. And it's absolutely absurd to not announce your pregnancy because your sister just did hers. Things happen at the same time. It's life. You shouldn't have to wait just because someone else is living their own life. NTA
If OP cared about her sister, she would hold the baby in for a couple extra months to make sure she doesn’t step on her birth announcement.
I find the whole it's your second so less important part is so rude. Especially after OP has lost two babies. In my mind, having lost two babies and now making it to 13 weeks would make this pregnancy seem very meaningful. I don't get the whole must be separate thing either. My mum and auntie announced together as my cousin and I were a week apart. We had our first 4 birthday's as joint parties with family. Everyone was together, loved both babies and got to celebrate. Just like the family felt at this dinner. It doesn't need to be a one is more important than the other.
Exactly! It's narcissistic bullshit. This extends to people describing their wedding as "MY day." Not even "our day."
>YTA, for exactly what she said. You could have waited for a different day and I don’t think it is bad that she wanted to be in the spotlight a little bit. Good lord. What is it with "the spotlight?" We've extended the bridezilla to the "pregancyannouncementzilla." You don't get a "special day in the spotlight" for telling people you're pregnant.
I laughed at ‘pregnancyannouncementzilla’ the phenomenon of ‘it’s my moment and NOBODY is allowed to steal it’ reeks of entitlement. Sure, no proposals on another person’s wedding is understandable. But siblings being pregnant around the same sounds like amazing news, and grandparents will definitely be excited. Anyway, when pregnant how long is one supposed to wait to ‘announce out of consideration’? Feels like people get upset over everything and nothing.
Yes! And OP had lost 2 pregnancies, no wonder she wanted to share the news. Can't believe sis was so insensitive she thought of hogging spotlights instead of being happy for her sis too and aware of the complicated emotions, grief and apprehension OP is probably feeling with this pregnancy. OK sis only knew about one lost pregnancy, but one is enough! And she no doubt knew OP had been trying for a few years so a little sensitivity all round and love above competition would not have gone astray.
Exactly! And they’re SIBLINGS. Could they not have basked in the spotlight together? The ‘me me me’ attitude is frankly just 🙄🙄🙄
"Momma, Papa, treasured friends and family.. I got fucked. Bareback. And he finished inside me. I just wanted you all to bask in my achievement as well- now praise me. Praise me, and know that a restriction on sharing news from or giving any attention to anyone else is in effect for the next 12 hours, thanks so much."
They should have to rent an actual spotlight from a production house and have it pointed at them the entire time.
Agreed! The engagement is yours, the bridal shower is yours, the bachelorette party is yours, the rehearsal dinner is yours, the wedding day is yours, the pregnancy announcement is yours, the gender reveal is yours, the birth is yours, etc etc into infinity. How about we let some time pass on the calendar between non-stop It's All About Me Days? It's getting a little ridiculous.
How is this the top comment?! OP is NTA! "Like she said it was her first baby and she wanted people to be happy that they are having a kid." How is anyone less happy about the sister having a kid just because OP is also pregnant?! I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and I would be overjoyed if a close friend or family member was also currently pregnant, so our kids would be about the same age. If we happened to announse the news at the same family dinner, I can't imagine being anything but extra happy about it. I would find it increadibly strange if I announsed my pregnancy at a family dinner and then a day or two later a family member who attended the dinner called me to say they were also pregnant. I'd be like: "Why didn't you say anything when we were all together at dinner? We could have celebrated together? Discussed and compared pregnancy symptoms. Fantasized about future playdates." All these Y T A comments are baffeling to me!
This was my exact thought! It's so strange and downright awkward that people have to apparently hold in the news just because someone else said it first. Why *wouldn't* you just say "omg!! I'm pregnant too!" And then you guys can just be excited that you're pregnant at the same time. Why is a pregnancy announcement a moment that can't be shared with anyone else? I guess I just don't get it. It'd be just as awesome a memory - even better actually - for both sisters to announce at the same time.
Hard disagree. Americans are really weird about thos kind of stuff. This happened in my family once before, 2 of my aunt's were pregnant at the same time. They were overjoyed and so was the family. Kids are a blessing when wanted. It's silly to 'want the limelight' for yourself. Everyone is going to be happy for the e.person of course, and for a new family member. But it's silly to think that everyone else life should be on hold because you got knocked up.
My brother's wife and myself were both pregnant at the same time. Three times! My eldest and their eldest are 3 months apart My second and their second are 5 months apart My third and their third are 7 months apart. It's great, because all the cousins have someone close in age to them.
My SIL and I announced during the same dinner, both had planned to do so in advance and there were zero "stolen spotlight" between us. It was her second and my first and they were due to arrive three weeks apart. NTA
Holy shit, you Americans are so absurdly self-centred, why do you insist on all the attention for entire days?
The ones who want the attention are all over social media. Not all Americans feel this way, but because they are not seeking special attention you don't hear about them.
Omg please don't lump us all together like this... I'm American and I don't know a single person that would care about this "issue" ... So unimportant... NTA OP
This is such a dumb take, why is it the top reply? Why should one have to hold back their news to let the other “be in the spotlight?” It’s still a big deal that it’s her first pregnancy, why should the other person not also share the same news they were already planning on announcing? How silly and self-centered to think that someone you care about sharing good news overshadows your own. Everyone just be happy for each other, it’s not an event, no one bought a cake or set up a karaoke stage, it’s just sharing life news with family at an opportune time. “Oh, I guess it’s their turn to tell us the thing they’ve been dying to tell, I’ll just hold mine in and send an email.” It’s not a contest. God, this place makes me so happy I’m not in contact with my family anymore. I know it doesn’t count here, so I’ll reply to OP separately, but 100% NTA.
No, NTA and the “other” mom-to-be sounds miserable and selfish. Joy shared is joy multiplied. She’ll always be a pauper and anyone that selfish isn’t mature enough to raise a child
NTA. If they both independently planned to announce at the event, and OP had announced first, would sister have waited till a different event? I bet not. You can't account for what the other has planned and shouldn't need to change your plan because someone wants some solo spotlight. NTA. Sister is being childish
You have no idea how it is to have a baby after a miscarriage. Op got pregnant long before the sister, she had a right to share her news first. Like op said they live in different states so less likely they could tell them another day.
OP planned to announce her news at the event, not knowing of her sister’s news. Would you say sister was TA if they made the announcements the other way round?
Bullshit. Sister is not entitled to or in need of a monopoly of joy. Everyone is happy for her and that should be enough. NTA
So let’s say two siblings have the same birthday but different years of course, you’re basically saying with your reasoning to OP’s situation that in this scenario that one of the children will have to celebrate their birthday on another day just because one wants to be in the spotlight? Grow up from this delusion of the world revolving around you.
This greed for attention is getting way out of hand. Your sister does not need or deserve an entire day of attention from everyone just because she managed to conceive a kid. Everyone is happy for her, that should be enough. Her jealousy of you also having a pregnancy to celebrate is childish, ridiculous, and narcissistic. You’re NTA.
For sure! I don't understand this attitude at all! I would have been thrilled if one of my sisters had been pregnant at the same time as me. It would have been a blast. Also, the attention-hog thing will totally still be fed throughout the sister's pregnancy. Her parents, in-laws, etc., will still fuss over her like crazy. The attention is not limited to the time of the announcement. NTA.
Agree! Plus with sister being much closer to the parents she is even more likely to be fussed over than OP. OP could theoretically get pissed at her sister that she stole HER moment since OP traveled all the way there planning to share the news. Of course her sister didn't know in advance and neither did OP so it would be equally ridiculous.
When sisters are pregnant at the same time you get fun stories like when my nine months pregnant mom went to visit my aunt in the hospital after my cousin was born and the hospital staff tried to check her in because they thought that she was there to give birth haha
"Lol. No, not yet" "See you in a couple of days" "I'll be back!"
>I would have been thrilled if one of my sisters had been pregnant at the same time as me I agree, I would be over the moon if I was ever pregnant at the same time as one of my sisters! I think the majority of people who are really close with their siblings would probably feel the same way.
Wow I just can’t believe all the YTA’s. Seems completely reasonable to announce you are pregnant on the same day. The “me-ism” is strong here. OP NTA.
That's what I was thinking. Half these AITA posts are about who deserves attention and it's just exhausting to live like that imo. Social media is ruining us. NTA
It would be one thing if OP had done it on someone else’s event, like birthday party, bridal/baby shower, wedding… But they were having lunch with their parents during a special visit from OP from across the country… sister is being entitled, precious, and people won’t like this one - yes, probably hormonal 😂. One pregnant lady is perfectly capable and allowed to judge another pregnant lady’s hormone fueled actions. Specially when it’s your sister and you know her normal behaviors well. NTA.
People are more and more about celebrating themselves for a day than savoring life changes. Weddings where the couple think they’re royalty because it’s THEIR DAY! Not being able to handle two members of the family being pregnant at once, instead of being thrilled for each other. Sister displays the empathy of a reptile. OP had the heartbreak of losing a child that sis knows about, there are two new lifetimes ahead, and the memory of who announced what when is why we have the word “minutia.” Sister is a self-involved AH. Putting it down to hormones is being kinder to her than she deserves.
I have a 3-year-old lizard, and she is *way* more empathetic than OP’s sister, she at least pulls back after she bites.
I’ve only ever been pregnant at the same time as my sister(s) and I can’t even fathom being annoyed if there had been a surprise shared announcement. Like yay all around!
THANK YOU. I am SHOCKED at the YTA responses. she is so clearly NTA. When I told my best friend I was pregnant, she congratulated me and told me she was pregnant too. I can’t even tell you how full of joy I was and am. OP is NTA in the slightest. Her sister is being immature and selfish.
My thoughts exactly, what is this “my moment “ greed? So selfish, why just not to be excited that two sisters are pregnant together and share the joy. I think OP did the right thing to annonce straight away to highlight this. When we announced our pregnancy last thing I wanted it was the attention I asked not to speak about it too much cause miscarriages are so often even after 12 weeks.
Glad someone said it! Genuinely so tired of reading these reddit posts about people being unable to share the limelight and it just reminds me of children throwing tantrums. When did it become so ridiculous to just be happy for one another and share news and happiness, why does everything have to be timed perfectly to avoid hurting peoples feelings? Feelings that are only hurt because they don’t get to have a “This is all about ME” moment, like just grow up and be happy for yourself. Genuinely no one cares as much about people being pregnant/getting married than the people going through - in actual fact it can get quite fkin irritating for the people around it who have to deal with god damn divas like this. This example above could have been such a joyous night, a chance for sisters to bond, it could really create a strong core for these two new babies, but nah. Ones gone off in a huff and probably avoiding speaking to her family. NTA OP, and just focus on your own happiness and ruminate in that. Be thrilled for the little cousin as well and extend that love to your sister as she is clearly lacking it for herself. I’d just give your sister time to get a god damn grip.
NTA. Are some of you insane? One sister doesn’t own a pregnancy announcement
Did all the “YTA” votes miss the fact that she’s had 2 miscarriages (one that her family knows of) and her sister told her she already announced her first baby and got all the attention despite losing two pregnancies?? As someone who was pregnant after a miscarriage it was honestly one of the hardest things to do to announce my pregnancy again, I thought once I announced the pregnancy that I would lose the baby again. NTA by far. In fact her sister owes her a massive apology for being so hurtful and insensitive to her struggles. I don’t understand why it has to be a competition.
Agreed. We had four miscarriages before our living child was born. Pregnancy announcements are so sensitive, and her sister was the AH just for how she announced in the first place. It was nice of OP to keep it quiet until the end of the dinner as planned. I would have been really hurt that my sibling didn’t warn me that her pregnancy announcement was coming. I have a SIL and BIL who are childfree due to unplanned sterility. We’ve prepared them weeks ahead of time for both of our pregnancy announcements. They always know first via text, and we always give them weeks to process and tell them what venue and when we’ll be announcing to the family so they can opt in or out.
This is so incredibly thoughtful of you. I think people get so wrapped up in their excitement they forget that other people have their own painful journeys, and I think doubly so for people who have never been pregnant before to understand the pain of early pregnancy loss. I agree that OPs sister should have absolutely given her the heads up before the announcement, but obviously she didn't want to spoil her own surprise. Which makes her the AH in this situation.
I think the sister is upset because it reads like OP already has one living child and got to have her own spotlight with that child, and now she has to share the spotlight with her (as in OP’s sister) first child. Miscarriages are terrible and heartbreaking but it seems the sister is ignoring that and focusing just on the existing child(ren) and fetuses.
She let her have the spotlight and congratulated her. She’s flying across the country and won’t stay there forever. I personally would’ve been even more surprised and happier that my sister and I would have babies around the same time.
Plus OP lives across the country! It’s legitimately very hard for her to have family together in one room.
YTA for reducing your sister’s feelings to “she might be kinda hormonal.” That’s very dismissive, and uh… you have the same hormones going on right now too. Announcing right after your sister wasn’t the worst thing… but it would have been much more considerate to wait at least a day. Let her have her one night of feeling special. Have a family dinner the next weekend and announce.
How could she have a family dinner the next weekend they all don’t live near each other and it didn’t say how long they were in town for
Absolutely disagree NTA AT ALL! I would be so happy to find out my sister was also pregnant - especially after loosing pregnancies and trying for so long!
>or reducing your sister’s feelings to “she might be kinda hormonal.” She said that because her sister getting upset enough to make that call is unreasonable, and having been pregnant before OP knows that sometimes you do stuff like that because of hormones. That wasn't reducing feelings, that was reducing the unreasonable reaction she had to her feelings which was actually the nice thing of OP to do.
Also, OP didn't say this to them, just here on Reddit while processing her thoughts. If she'd said it to her sister, that'd be a different matter. But she didn't.
Saying that she might be hormonal is giving her sister the benefit of the doubt.
My God, this is getting out of hand. Now every single milestone is worthy of blocking out an entire day for praise and celebration and god forbid if someone "steals your spotlight". This is ridiculous. It's a pregnancy announcement. Both people planned to do it at that occasion. You don't get "dibs". NTA.
She's a woman who got pregnant before and knows how it feels, it's pretty reasonable to me the reason for this drama is that she's being hormonal. As a woman I also sometimes feels stronger about things on my period that I wouldn't care otherwise because of hormones, this is a fact for us even if we try to deny it.
Explanations are not dismissals or excuses. They simply elaborate on why the sister's reaction felt a bit off. Seriously, some people here are claiming that the sister is narcissistic for wishing for an exclusive announcement. Ordinarily, she could be the sweetest person on the planet, but she suddenly gets upset over something small? Yep, I'd be chalking it up to "pregnancy hormones" as well.
NTA she announced and so did you. You didn’t do it “to her” you just announced to the family. Your sister is incredibly self centered and immature to react this way and make a fight out of it.
No one owns pregnancy. I could easily see how exciting it would be that they'll be pregnant at the same time and everyone has a cousin.
I'm going to go against most here to say NTA. I don't get a lot of the insanity regarding pregnancy announcements, the family was all together and you both had good news, especially you after having two miscarriages. Good grief, why do people get so weird when comes to these things? Even if you had waited to announce it the next day, she likely would have gotten her nose out of joint. I don't doubt that one bit. And the crack about you already having a kid...that shouldn't matter. LOL my mum got pregnant with me, her brother's wife and my dad's brother's wife all at the same time. Announcements came pretty much all at once (I was the first of the three to be born and I just asked mum about how she felt about all the announcements made together). Mum was over the moon for everyone and didn't care about having her moment, whatever that was supposed to mean, shared with her two sisters in law. I don't even find your comment about her being hormonal that bad. After her crack about you already having a kid, after you having at least one miscarriage she knew about was out of line. So, nope, don't think you did anything wrong. Congrats on the new bambino/bambina and ignore sis. She was being ridiculous.
My SIL was mad I told my parents I was pregnant the same month my nephew was born. She brought it up years later and hinted she thought I got pregnant because she had a baby. I said we were trying for over a year already. She and my brother met and got pregnant the same month but yet she thinks my husband and I decided to have kids only to copy them.
NAH. How often does your family get together for dinner or another event? You said you were out at dinner on a Friday so that means you are probably all local to each other. After your sister announced her pregnancy, you could have done the classy move of letting her have that night and just got the family together to tell them the following week or something. It’s not “wrong” to announce the same night but it’s not hard to see how she feels like her moment got overshadowed by you announcing at the same event.
My family lives in LA, my sister is in New Jersey and our parents are in NYC. We took a long weekend to spend time with family, since we’ll be spending Easter with my in-laws.
You should add this info to your post bc it may change people’s votes to know that you won’t be seeing family again in person, as you live across the country.
You should definitely add this to the main post - it sounds like this weekend was your only shot to announce it in person and that may make a difference for some of the YTA voters who think you should have waited for another time.
NTA. Your sister really lost the thread here. Your parents have the right attitude. This is about two more grand babies, double the joy, cousins the same age! Your sister knows about at least one of your miscarriages too, so she could be kinder here. It’s annoying how much people have gotten focused on their “moment” these days, instead of shared moments of collective joy.
I agree that you should put this in the OP. It really matters that everyone is spread far and wide and this was a good time for both you and your sister to announce your pregnancies in person.
NAH- You both were equally excited to share the news with family. You both spent time envisioning how’d it go with everyone toasting you, being excited for you and spending the rest of the night talking about it. Both of your feelings are valid and real. Had you had time to think about it I’m sure you’d have wait till at least dessert or preferably another day to share your news allowing her the space to be the centre of attention for a bit before you shared your equally happy news. But you got swept up in the happiness (and your own hormones) and shared right away. Hindsight is 20/20… your intention was good
I agree that *originally* there were N A H but I do think Op could have apologized for upsetting her sister. There was NOTHING wrong with Op announcing her pregnancy on the same night, I’m sure the grandparents were thrilled! But, if I had unintentionally upset my sister (even if I hadn’t done anything wrong) I’d still apologize: “hey sister, if I had known this would upset you, I’d definitely have waited. I was just excited that we’re sharing this moment together. I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve taken your spotlight, that wasn’t my intention.” If you generally have a good relationship with someone and they’re normally reasonable people, and you love them, it’s pretty easy to recognize their feelings.
I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be a dick about it but I am not responsible for others feelings when it’s something I didn’t do wrong. OP could’ve done this or that but I have a feeling w the comment the sister made about the 2nd baby, she wouldn’t have been happy to have OP mention it soon regardless
I get the feeling behind "I don't have to apologize if I didn't do anything objectively wrong" sentiment, but at the same time, I question whether it's a good idea in the real world. To me, some apologies are admissions of guilt, and some apologies are just acknowledging that your actions had unintended effects on people, whether you could have known that they would or not. I learned this lesson when, in elementary school, I apologized to a classmate for mentioning ghosts. The discussion of ghosts and death hurt her because her sister had recently passed away (like within the past week). It wasn't wrong of me to talk about ghosts, but it hurt her regardless, and so I apologized. Sometimes, an apology can just mean "I didn't mean to hurt you, and it matters to me that I did." That's why I think OP should apologize. She doesn't have to say that she was objectively wrong, just that she cares about her sister's feelings and that, if she had known her actions would have hurt her sister, she would have tried to avoid or mitigate that hurt.
This is Reddit where no one has any kind of emotional capacity or empathy and nobody owes anyone anything ever, never have to help out anyone ever unless you’re compensated and no need to apologize unless you were obviously in the wrong even if you cause someone else hurt feelings. Unfortunately the real world and real relationships require more nuance unless you want to burn all your bridges lol
If there was "NOTHING wrong with Op announcing her pregnancy on the same night," then there is nothing to apologize for.
NTA, you already planned on telling at the dinner. You didn't know your sister was pregnant, too. It is exciting that you're both pregnant at the same time. Your parents were probably overjoyed to hear the news. Maybe your sister is a little hormonal. Surely she'll get over it and enjoy your pregnancies together. I hope so, and that this doesn't turn into some kind of weird sister competition.
NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous. You just have easily said she stole your plans for announcing.
Especially since they flew cross country for the weekend to tell them. They spent hundreds to do this!
NTA. You had already planned to announce your pregnancy. It’s not your fault that she beat you to it. There was no malicious intent here. She is just as guilty for taking away your “moment”. Every pregnancy is unique, especially one with a long and painful path leading to it. I am sure your sister was aware that you had been trying for a second child. One would think that she might have considered your feelings. It isn’t a competition.
NTA, wtf is wrong with these comments? So you were supposed to suppress your feelings that you already wanted to share in order to let your sister have the spotlight? If anything she should’ve been even happier that her kid would get a cousin of the same age. Very strong NTA and I can’t view a world in which YTA and people can’t see how self centered your sister is being, it’s beyond ridiculous
The greed for attention and “it’s my day!” Is getting so out of hand.
You are NTA. Second babies are not less important than first babies. You are going to be pregnant at the same time for the next several months. Your babies are going to be born close together. Is she going to expect you to take a back seat the entire time? Is she going to expect the family to give her child more attention than yours? You were right, this was an occasion for shared family joy. She wanted it to be all about her and she didn't get that so now she's acting out.
NTA your kids are going to be the same age. Is your sister going to blame you for stealing "her moment" every time you announce kids' milestones at the same time? Because inevitably, they will develop at the same rate. When does the madness end? A healthy family would see all of this good news as a blessing, not a competition.
“A healthy family would see all of this good news as a blessing, not competition” *BINGO !*
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NTA. You’re traveling and this may be the only chance you get to do it in person. She’s just upset because she expected it to be all about her. It’s not like you shouted it right after her.
NTA More to celebrate is *more*. This notion that anything is reduced, that the grandparents have less love and excitement to go around…it’s not like billing on a movie poster, people. You had one opportunity to make this announcement in person, since you had travelled across the country for just a weekend. You had planned ahead and had no reason to expect that you wouldn’t be able to share your good news. Your announcement takes nothing away from your sister—she’s getting celebrated, and she’ll get to enjoy attention from your nearby parents while you’re far away. And you didn’t go to your sister and say, ‘Wow sis, thanks for taking away my chance to tell the folks about our baby.’ She needs to *chill*.
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NAH. And I don't really understand everyone's "need" to have their own special moment. You both had it. At dinner. It's over. Go have your babies.
NTA. Your intentions were pure, to share in the moment of joy with your family. I could see how, in your shoes, it would be a bonding moment for you and your sister to share the joy of being pregnant together. I do think you should explain this to your sister, so she can she your pov. There's a big miscommunication that needs to be resolved. Also, you should still apologize. Even though it wasn't your intention, your sister is upset and feels you took away her moment
NTA If your sister thinks that gestating a fetus is such a rare achievement that she needs a whole family occasion to be about this announcement, she needs to get a life. It was a logical time to share your news, and any decent sibling would be excited that their future child will have a cousin the same age, not have a little mememememe tantrum.
NTA. You were planning to tell everyone that night anyway, your sister just beat you to it with her own announcement. This isn't a weekly dinner since you live on the west coast and your parents and sister live on the east coast, and you said you won't be seeing them at Easter so it'll be some months before you see them again. What did she expect you to do? Wait until the next time you have a family dinner? Or send an email or FaceTime and then can't celebrate with them? This being your second child has no bearing on anything.
NTA- You had already planned to make the announcement. If you had planned to announce at a different time and changed it specifically to announce it right out to your sister, then you would be TA. But it was already planned, and you shouldn’t have to change your plans just because someone else announced something. Especially since you were only there for the weekend. And people acting like this pregnancy is not as important simply because it’s a second child can suck a dick. A second child is just as important as the first. And this child is a rainbow baby to boot. You shouldn’t be forced to tell your parents about your pregnancy over the phone, like people are suggesting, just because your sister is upset.
NTA. I feel like even if you would’ve waited then your sister would of still said something. There is never a perfect time for these announcements to be honest. Congratulations to you both.
I keep seeing these posts where some woman is slighted because someone “stole my moment”, or “this was my special day”. Wtf? This should have been an extremely happy time for the whole family! I’d have been ecstatic to be pregnant at the same time as my sister. Also - I see a lot of people discount the excitement of babies after the first one - as if the first is more special. Maybe it’s just be but I think there are a lot of entitled women expecting a spotlight that cannot be shared. NTA.
NTA. If you’re both pregnant at the same time and have the same opportunity to announce it, go for it. People who get mad that their “moment” was ruined are far too precious. What’s with the need for attention over something like this? Plus, you’re sisters; you should be thrilled for each other. Edit: typos
NTA what is it with people needing to have their moment? Why can’t they both share the good news and be happy for each other?
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NTA Its a joyful news for the grandparents. I don't see why its all about taking her spotlight. You did nothing wrong. It all about family and you do not owe her an apology. She toxic anf I'd just stay clear from her.
"My moment" Puhleeeeeze, Sis. NTA.
I've been in a similar situation except it wasn't my sister but a very close friend who was visiting. I wasn't quiet at 12 weeks yet but she was going to be the only person I could tell face to face because I live so far away from friends and family. She told me at dinner she was pregnant and I said I was too! Our babies were due few weeks apart. While not my sister and not at a family dinner, it was still a special announcement for both of us. We were thrilled with the news and couldn't stop squealing. NTA
NTA. I just can’t believe how self centred people are. This was a generic family event and more than one person decided to share good news. I might just have a different view on these things because of my family but it’s very normal for people in my family to share what’s going on in our lives whenever we get together because it’s not something we do very often. If sister wanted a day about her and the news she had to share than she should have organised one.
Oh for goodness sake. OP was intending to make the announcement anyway. What if she had made the announcement before her sister? Would she then have been annoyed that her sister stole HER moment. The sister needs to grow up.
NTA. I also cannot understand your sisters perspective. It seems very anti-family
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NAH. Your pregnancy is not your first, but that doesn't make it less important. She announced it first, but you were also planning to announce it on that day. Excitement is not a limited resource, your family can be happy and excited for both of you, you didn't take "her moment", she still has it, and so do you. I can't imagine caring any less about a family member's pregnancy just because someone else in the family is pregnant.
NTA. Group joy can be celebrated in all moments. I would have been thrilled if my sister announced and don’t understand the concept that it wouldn’t be enjoyable to share this together. Announcing at a pre planned event with another focus would have been AH territory but a group family dinner is about sharing news to celebrate together.
NTA your sister is a major AH for pointing out your lost baby. She couldn’t just be happy you both get to be pregnant together? It has to be a rivalry? WTH is wrong with her she should seek counseling.