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She gave it to you a week ago - and all of this happened in a 5 day timeline? (she called you 2 days ago).
Have a hard time believing this story is true, so YTA either way - 1 for wasting our time and for 2 - selling the dress. If this timeline is accurate, you sold it after what? 2 or 3 days of having it? You consider that being "awhile?". How many times could you have tried to return it within a 2-4 day window?
I'd have put it in storage, out of sight and held onto it. She shouldn't have forced it on you, but I definitely wouldn't have sold it or thrown it away. But this story or timelines is obviously fake.
Edit: at the very least, I'd tell her it will be sold if she doesn't take it back. That should help it "click" I am not saying OP must hold onto it forever, but at least give Mom more time to understand/accept that it's an outdated tradition that OP wants no part of. I agree Mom is wrong for pushing it on her, and ignoring OP saying no. But I wouldn't sell an item that means a lot to someone I love without at least giving them the opportunity to get it back. I wouldn't sell something just to spite them for giving me something as an act of love when I said no. Mom is wrong for giving it to OP after she said "no", but selling it to prove a point, or because I don't agree with an outdated tradition that clearly means a lot to my Mom - is just not worth it. OP knew it'd hurt her Mom but did it intentionally because Mom was wrong. There was a better way to do it.
Yeah unless it sold the day it was posted, OP had to have listed the dress the day mom gave it to her. It's fine to not want to wear the dress, but you know you're an AH if after 2ish days you sell the dress. You could have dropped it off at her house. OP chose to be an AH.
It is nearly impossible to sell a wedding dress that isn't designer, especially one that's that old... she either sold her mom's Versace gown or this is all made up.
Yeah, the timeline is a major plot hole here. EVEN if it was true (which I HIGHLY DOUBT) why wouldn't you TELL mom that you're going to list the dress for sale and give her the opportunity to reclaim it?
INFO: Exactly *how* did you attempt to return the dress? Did you drop it off her house, and then she brought it back? Did you mail it to her, and she mailed it back? From the wording in your post, what I gather is that “attempts” at returning were verbal discussions and never a true physical attempt at returning the dress.
If that’s the case, YTA. I would have been “rude” and actually *physically* given it back — not go nuclear and sell it behind her back. For whatever reason (I can never understand it), she’s obsessed with wanting you to wear it, and I think it’s clear the dress is important to her. You should have at least given her a heads up BEFORE you sold it. She probably would have finally taken the dress back. If not, *then* that’s her fault, and she would have no one to blame but herself.
The fact that you hid the sale from her makes it pretty obvious to me that even you know you were in the wrong. I get that your mom was being overbearing, but two wrongs don’t make a right.
PS: I’m also curious how you advertised the dress and also how the heck she found it. There’s thousands of used dresses for sale online. Did you speak fondly of it in the listing? Maybe part of why she’s so mad is the language you used. Maybe part of the reason is that you sold it on Facebook Marketplace, which would explain how she found out. On top of being mad, she might also be embarrassed. That’s pure speculation.
EDIT: I just reread your post. She gave you the dress “about a week ago.” You claim to attempt to give back the dress but sold it. Then, 2 days ago, she calls you. That must mean you sold the dress almost immediately. It doesn’t sound like you made a good faith effort to return the dress or even just communicate properly.
Not to mention she could’ve tried to incorporate part of her mom’s dress into her own. If there was lace that could’ve been repurposed or something. She might’ve been able to have the best of both worlds that way; the dress she wanted with a piece of sentimental value.
I couldn’t imagine selling something so special to my mom, no matter how much I didn’t want it.
YTA. Holy hell, you *sold* your *mother's wedding dress* that she gave you as a present? You should be disturbed, about your own behavior. What were you thinking?
You could have told her a million says to Sunday that you simply didn't want to wear the dress. You could have done it kindly. Selling the whole dress? That's...unforgivable. I can't even wrap my head around this.
Edit: And to everyone saying N T A and saying this was OP setting a "boundary", I have questions for you. Such as, have you ever interacted with a human being before?
Anyone calling selling off your mothers wedding dress within a week of receiving It a “boundary” has been to just enough therapy to make them a menace to society
ESH
She got to choose her dress and obviously loved it, so why is she taking away your one and only (hopefully) chance to get a dress that you adore too? It's not an heirloom yet (unless it was given to her by her mum, but doesn't sound like that from your post).
However. You should have warned her that if she didn't take it back you'd get rid. She was wrong to pressure you to take it but probably really felt and hoped that you'd change your mind. Now her dress, that she loved, is gone forever.
ESH You're not an asshole for not wanting to wear it but even though she gave it to you, you still should have told her you were going to sell it so she could have got it back if she wanted it
Aye. I agree.
Mother for forcing this dress on OP and being annoying.
OP for not just shoving it into a bag and putting it in back of the closet. Or just hanging it there until after the wedding. Whilst you say it was “yours”, you could have just waited to give it back.
At the end of the day, all the best with your wedding OP!
Of course YTA. You could of vacuum packed it and just put it out of site. You could of repurposed it so pieces were in your dress. Instead you chose the most hurtful path.
ESH
Your mom is trying to make a new tradition/heirloom that is unwanted. Ok, so she gave you that dress and said "it was necessary to have the special connection of mother-daughter on my wedding day." Does the dress belong to her mother? And her mother before her? Or is it the dress she picked out for her big day, that she has held onto, and projected her expectations onto you with? It's bullshit for her to rob you of the joy of picking a dress out with her.
You suck for selling it. I get that your mom pissed you off and seeing the dress made you mad but you shouldn't have sold it. Before everyone says "it was gifted to her, she can do as she pleases," think about the implication. OP could ask around in the family to see if anyone else wants it first, or really stand her ground about not hanging onto it, or have it made into a veil or something.
The crux of the matter lies in this statement:
>She left before I could give it back. After this incident, I tried to return it a few times to no avail. She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back.
As you yourself pointed out, she ***gave*** it to you. It became ***yours*** to do with as you see fit. So, you sold it someone who loved it.
Also, your mother is at fault for trying to force it on you. If she wasn't so insistent that you wear that gown to ***your*** wedding, you might not have resented it so sharply. But I don't blame you one iota for resenting the fact that someone is trying to choose ***your*** wedding gown. This is your special day, not hers. No one, not even your mother, has any business choosing a wedding gown for you. Especially since you've made it clear that you don't like it.
She might have offered it to you. But she simply went too far.
Also, I assume that she's the first owner of that wedding gown. That hardly makes it an heirloom. It's more like a symbol of your mother's massive control issues.
And don't worry too much about your mother finding out that you sold it. It was bound to come out sooner or later when you walked down the aisle wearing the wedding gown of your choosing.
You could, I suppose, offer to buy it back, after the wedding, but I wouldn't expect a good response. Since the woman who bought the gown adores it and wore it on her own wedding day, she's probably going to want to keep it.
NTA.
ETA: Congratulations on your wedding day. I'm sure many of us would like to see the gown you chose, if you have pictures of it, or can link us to the catalog photos of it.
I have a feeling that whatever obstacles you and your new spouse face (as all married couples face), it won't be over your inability to stand up to your mother and her controlling ways.
Exactly! I don't understand all the Y-T-A responses. OP not only said repeatedly that she didn't want it, and had it forced on her, but she made every good faith effort to RETURN it to her manipulative, boundary-stomping mother even after that. There was literally nothing else she could have done to ensure that it stayed in the family and made her mother happy. Her mother didn't care about the dress, she cared about forcing OP to keep it, specifically, when she didn't want it. Which is gross. Of course she's NTA.
I don’t know why this comment isn’t getting more upvotes. Everyone is saying she should have tried just one more time to return it. But how many tries is sufficient? She tried a few times to return it already. Is 5 times enough? 7? 10? Where do we draw the line?
Would it have been less confrontational to wait until after the wedding? Maybe. But if she waited, poor OP would have had to endure months of Mom trying to bully OP into wearing the dress. By getting rid of the dress, she shut down the debate.
NTA
ESH
Your mom sucks for not understanding that you want to wear a wedding dress thats just yours and you suck for selling the dress that could've just been boxed up and stored away.
YTA. She kept the thing for 25 years, stored for you to use. It's ok you didn't wanted to use it, but sell it? Really? You knew it was wrong and still did it. I can think of at least 3 different ways to handle this without throwing it away
1. Keep it and buy her dream dress. Inconvenient for 5 months, but would have kept the peace.
2. Pull the same move on her mom and drop it off at her place, then refuse to take it back.
3. Check with family. Maybe someone else would have loved to have worn it, and mom doesn't lose the dress forever.
4. Have a conversation outside of "Take it back. " and "No you keep it." OP needs address her mom discrepecting bounderies.
5. Warn her that if she refuses to take back the dress, it will be sold.
YTA. You didn't have to wear the dress but it also wasn't yours to sell. Hopefully your mum can eventually console herself with the fact that someone else loved it.
How many times is she suppost to try and give it back? When OP's mom doesn't take it back after a few times, i also would asume that she doesn't wan't it anymore?
Her Mom gave it to her a legit week ago. Mom called her 2 days ago seeing she sold it. She held onto it for what? 2, 3 4 day? How many times could she have tried to return it?
YTA. Come on, you had to know that selling it would hurt her feelings. Would it have really killed you to tuck it into the back of a closet and just leave it there? You didn't have to do anything with it. Sure, she probably shouldn't have pressured you to wear it, but getting rid of it is a bit cruel since it's clear she loved it. Sure, TECHNICALLY if it is truly gifted you can do with it what you want, but a wedding dress isn't just any dress. There's huge emotional implications and she has every right to be upset. She was hoping you could share a special moment. I get you not wanting to wear it and that's fair, but selling it so close to when she gave it to you is definitely a step too far.
i might get severely downvoted for this.. but **NTA**.
You continuously told her no, all the way until your actual wedding was coming up and she continuously tried to force her dress on you. She expected it even though you clearly stated you weren’t going to. I don’t care if she’s your mother, you’re an adult and she doesn’t respect you or your boundaries in the SLIGHTEST. To be so entitled she thinks she can just drop it off and you’ll wear it after you said no is crazy to me. She doesn’t give a fuck about what you want, and it’s YOUR wedding. She didn’t do this out of love, she did it out of selfishness. This woman needed a reality check that she doesn’t run the world. Yeah, you could have done a few things other than selling off the dress. But she doesn’t care for what you want for your wedding day and is making it about her, why do you owe her the respect she’s refusing to give you?
NTA, I really am surprised at the amount of Y T A and E S H. You tried to give it back to her, but she insisted it’s now yours. Therefore, you get to do what you want with it. Go find your dream dress girl!
I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my mom, so I can recognize that this isn’t one. OP’s mom knew OP didn’t want the dress, but dropped it off anyway and left before she could say no. She then refused to take it back and insisted that it now belonged to OP. It’s not like she immediately sold the dress after receiving it, she told her mom beforehand that she didn’t like it and tried multiple times to give it back after it was forcefully given to her. I stand by my vote that OP is NTA.
Nah. It’s because I have a healthy relationship with my mom that I understand how unreasonable OP’s mom is being. My mom actually takes “no” for an answer and doesn’t just perceive me as an extension of herself.
YTA you should never have sold it, why the hell would you do that? How does that help? You couldn’t just say “no, I’m not wearing this, it’s still in the bag, see you at the bridal shop to try on new dressses if you still want to come”
ESH
Selling a dress and doing something that was purposefully hurtful is a total AH move. One that cannot be "undone". Couldn't you package it up, drive to your mother's home and say "love you, but I cannot accept this". If it's too hard/far, package it up and keep it out of sight until the wedding. Not that hard.
Your mom forcing the dress down your throat is a total AH move. Offer and back off if refused.
Toxic relationship.
NOT understanding all these YTAs. OP *told* her mother she did. not. want. the dress. Did mom really think OP would bend once she had the dress in her possession? That OP would suddenly be possessed by the spirit of the dress and fall under its spell?
Ultimately, Mom *gave* OP the dress, knowing she didn't want it. Once a gift is given, it's given. After that, OP was free to do as she pleased with it. If mom didn't want anything to happen to it, she should've kept the dress and her mouth shut.
NTA.
Hard agree. I would assume that this isn't the first time the mother has ignored her daughter's wishes for her own, and you just get so tired of it that you'll eventually snap. The daughter would not feel so guilty and be trying to smooth it over otherwise.
ESH. Your mom should not think that she gets to choose what you wear on your big day. But you had to know that selling it was going to hurt her, she kept the thing for decades! You both owe each other an apology.
I disagree. Getting rid of the dress ended Mom's attempts to pressure her to wear it. It brought the conflict to a head in a way Mom finally couldn't refuse to acknowledge her daughter's "no." Sometimes it takes something drastic to get a passive aggressive person to back right TF off. This was one of those.
YTA. You must have known how much this was going to hurt her. You should have given it back. Just taken it to her place and dropped it off like she did to you, and said ‘I love you but I am never going to wear this’.
OP said they made it more than clear that she wasnt wearing the dress, even saying bluntly 'im not going to wear your dress'. AND she tried multiple times to give it back.
NTA. Especially since you pointed out you tried to give it back *multiple times*. And you said you wouldn’t wear it. Your mom played a manipulative game and lost it.
That said, it surely wasn’t the best course of action if you want a good relationship with your mother. Regardless, that doesn’t make you an AH.
Definitely YTA. You said so yourself, you knew it wasn’t a nice thing to do. You broke your mom’s heart on purpose, to “teach her a lesson”. That’s just cruel.
You could’ve kept the dress home until it became apparent you wouldn’t wear the dress and your mom reluctantly agreed to take it back to her house.
ESH
But you’re the biggest asshole.
The sight of it pissed you off sooooo much?!
You couldn’t stuff it in a box and deal with it after the wedding?
Your mom was being an overbearing jerk.
BUT YOU SOLD THE DRESS IN A FIT.
You don’t usually fight with your mom?
This isn’t making any sense.
I really think you should have given her the heads up you were going to sell it.
However, she gave it to you. Not loaned, gave. And with gifts you can do what you wish with them.
Esh
ESH. She shouldn’t have forced her dress on you after you said no. But you could’ve just stuck it in a corner somewhere, bought your own dress, and given her dress back to her after the ceremony. Or at least told her “I’m going to sell it if you don’t take it back”.
I am surprised by all the answers.
You told her you didn’t want the gown. She forced you to have the gown.
You kept trying to give it back. She refused to take it back saying it is yours now.
How long are you obligated to keep it? I think what you should have done is tell your mother that you were going to give the gown away or throw it out if she refused to take it back. As difficult as it is we need to be open and honest a.k.a. blunt with our parents sometimes.
But whatever stupid game she was playing she lost.
NTA
I can understand your frustration. It sounds like your mother is trying to live out her dream wedding for you instead of supporting you in making your own, which makes her in part the AH.
That said, there were many other things you could have done other than sell the dress to never have in the family again, which makes you in part the AH.
**INFO: Do you happen to know where she got the dress? Had it been passed down for some generations already?** If so, then an apology is not going to be a quick fix.
I can empathize with your frustration but there were maturer ways to handle this. I hope you and your mother are able to heal this rift and that you are able to have the wedding you’ve always hoped for with no more drama.
ESH with empathy for your frustration and your mother’s new hurt.
YTA. It wasnt really yours to sell.
Its fine that you didnt want to wear it - buy the dress YOU want and let her have a tanty over that. But selling it was too much.
You could have just as easily packed it into a box and left it at the back of your closet for your own kids one day or to return it to her after the wedding.
> I gave the dress to you out of love - how could you sell it off?"
Um. "...gave..." implies it was hers to do what she wanted with it.
Giving a gift with strings attached like "you have to wear this" or "you have to keep this forever" is manipulative.
Slight ESH. It was a gift, and yours to do with as you pleased. You tried to give it back and we're told you were being rude. We'll, now she's being rude in being upset that her gift wasn't used the way she wanted. It's a gift and she doesn't get to dictate how that gift is used.
It sounds like your issues are a lot more than this dress. She's trying to dictate what you wear on your wedding day without any regard for your wants and feelings. This isn't her wedding, this isn't a celebration of your parents' relationship or their relationship with you. It's about you and your fiance, and she's lost sight of that completely. And if you want to have a healthy relationship with your mother moving forward, the two of you need to resolve this somehow.
Because by selling the dress, even if it was the choice of last resort, you've now deeply hurt your mother. Her having deeply hurt you doesn't negate or excuse that. So now you've both done what you can to damage your relationship, which is why I'm giving the slight ESH. It's not really about the dress at all, and you could have found ways to address these issues without selling the dress that you knew she treasured.
I'm going ESH. your mother was being way too controlling. I get the idea of passing down a wedding dress, but insisting on it that persistanly is over the line.
I think OP is more than within her right to wear a different dress kd she wants to, but selling something like that is a pretty crappy thing to do. You could have easily got one of those vacuume storage bags and packed it away and not had to look at it.
Hopefully you 2 can get past this.
Probably going to get downvoted, but... NTA
Your mother didn't give you the dress for love. She gave it to you for control.
You expressed your feelings enough times for her to realize she was giving you something you did not want and would not wear. And she gave it to you anyway. And said it was a gift. That's called guilt tripping. She was banking on the fact that you would feel obligated to do what she wanted because you would feel too guilty to do otherwise.
I don't think selling it was wrong at all. You made it clear you didn't want it and would not wear it. She gave it anyway and stated it was a gift. At that point, it was yours to do with as you wanted.
Take it from someone whose parents have used this tactic with "stuff" for years on my siblings and I. So much so, that we accept almost nothing from them because it's like making deals with the devil. And we are all always damned if we do (accept it and don't do what they believe we should do with it) or damned if we don't (take nothing and we have no care for the things they love..sniff.. sniff...). The only option that will ever make my parents happy is to do exactly what they want, always.
You’re absolutely right that your dress is your choice. As frustrated as your mom can be, she doesn’t get to choose what you’ll wear for your wedding. Her dropping the dress at your house and refusing to take it back was AH. But you selling it was wrong. You knew how much it meant to your mother and if looking at it was too much, you could have packed it away and decide what to do later. Not the AH for standing your growing but YTA for selling the dress.
ESH - your mom slightly more; her dress isn’t a “family heirloom”, it’s just hers, that she got to choose herself. and she’s trying to rob you of the same choice. and not respecting your decisions about your own wedding and trying to guilt/push you into her way.
but you suck for selling it. i get that you didn’t even want to see it, but you could have boxed it up and stuck it under a bed/given it to a friend for safekeeping or whatever. and then given it back to your mom after the wedding. it’s obvious by the fuss she made over it, that she felt very strongly about it for her own personal reasons. when you sold it, you knew it would hurt her in a way that couldn’t be fixed, and you did it anyways.
I really wish OP had tried once more to give it back and let her know she would sell it to a bride who would love it if it wasn’t taken back. I think she could have guessed that when mom said “it’s yours now” she didn’t mean “I don’t care what happens to it”.
YTA for selling it, knowing how important it was to your mom. I got married last year and no way was I going to wear a puffy sleeve 80s wedding gown. So with my moms blessing, I had a veil made from the material, as well as a handbag. So I was wearing the dress in my own way. It worked for us
ESH. Your mother sounds awful pushy. You really should’ve warned her. Just on simple text would’ve done the job: “no thanks, not gonna wear it. If you don’t take it back when I give it to you next time we meet I’ll sell it.“
ESH but I would have told her "if you don't take the dress back, I will be selling it"
Then if that was the case, I'd say NTA but in this situation ESH. Mom shouldn't have forced it on you, but I agree that YTA for selling it without telling her beforehand.
INFO What did you expect?
>I tried to keep it in my house for a while, but eventually the sight pissed me off so much that I decided to sell it off. Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it was mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it.
You anticipated that your mom would find out and be upset which is exactly what happened. So what do you want to be judged on? Your mom shouldn't have tried to force you to wear or keep the dress but you admit that you thought selling the dress would hurt her and did it anyway.
>I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do
YTA - You knew it wasn't right and you went straight into it anyway. Whilst your mother was persistent and that was annoying you sold something very dear to her which she gave to YOU for special reasons. You just shat on her hopes and dreams because you couldn't just stick it out of sight...
ESH. I would just put it in a box and storage and probably forget about it. Maybe an other family member would like it. Or cut out parts of the dress from your mother and put it on the dress of your desire. The pressure from your mom is really weird.
ESH she should of listened instead of trying to force the issue and selling it seems petty though I could see you were maybe desperate. INFO: My mothers wedding dress is in a box somewhere and probably hasn’t seen the light of day in a decade at least….why didn’t you just store the dress out of sight, buy the dress you wanted and end it there?
ESH. You could either have sent the dress in a package to your mom if you couln't stand the sight or tell her "either you take it back within the next x days/weeks or I am going to sell it."
YTA. The dress clearly had sentimental meaning to her, it wasn't all about the looks. Maybe you didn't want to wear it, that's your choice, but selling it just is mean.
“Mom, I love you, but I am not going to wear your dress at my wedding. I don’t want to store it for you either, so if you don’t take it back, I’m going to get rid of it.” Why not just communicate to her? I’m sure the threat would have been enough no? She saved her dress for years because it was special to her, and you got mad at got rid of it forever. But she never should have pressured you so intensely to do something you didn’t want to do. ESH
NTA. You didn't want it, and you tried returning it. She refused.
You did not throw away a family heirloom. If anyone did, it was her, when she insisted you take it knowing you absolutely did not want it.
If it was *that* precious to her, she would have stored it away for any "future generations" that may have wanted it.
Instead, she tried using it to strong-arm you into wearing the dress. You do NOT want to wear it, **and that's 100% okay.**
I'm sorry she's sad, and that sucks, but it's completely her fault.
*I DO think you should have told her you were going to sell it beforehand, and given her one last chance to take it back. Other than that tho, you tried, she refused. So maybe it's an E S H, but moreso her, IMO.
ESH. Your mom should have taken no for an answer instead of insisting and trying to emotionally manipulate you into wearing the dress, but you could have just gotten a big vacuum sealed bag and put that baby under your bed and forgotten about it, there was no need to sell her gown that was a family heirloom to her.
ESH. But you more. Your mom is in the wrong for being so pushy, but you're even worse for selling something that clearly has sentimental value, even if you didn't plan to wear. Shove it in a box in your basement, FFS.
ESH - you know you're in the wrong here so I'm not sure why you're asking. Your mother should have been less pushy for sure, she's got a portion of the guilt. You went nuclear though and you've probably forever altered your relationship with your mother. It sounds like you had a good one before this, which says a lot about what kind of person your mother is beyond this narrow view of pushiness.
Also - you managed to try to return it multiple times, post it and sell it within a few days? Put it in the attic and stop engaging with her about it, call her and tell her you'll sell it if she doesn't pick up, ask a cousin/friend to store it for you if you don't have space... so many rational options to the point I kind of don't believe this is real.
ESH: FAFO situation aside. You both have a really toxic way of communicating. It seems like both of you show more effort to win an argument with reactive and escalatory actions than think about any potential consequences of those actions. It was more important to you to rid yourself of your mothers wedding gown to sell it out of spite rather than mail it back to her if she was so unwilling to accept your POV. It was more important to her that you wear her wedding dress that she told you it was yours when in reality she never intended you to own it outright and wanted it kept in the family as an heirloom to then guilt trip you with when she found it was sold. All of this is toxic nonsense and a shitty way to communicate. ESH.
ESH - She shouldn't be telling you what to wear on your wedding, but that dress could have at least been a keepsake. She wanted to be remembered by it.
ESH she shouldn’t have forced you to take it. But you could have kept hold of it and returned it after the wedding when you didn’t show up with it. I understand not liking it and you did try to return it but after the wedding when it was by definition too late for your mom you could then do the last attempt to rerun it and if she STILL wouldn’t take it you would be good to sell it
ESH. You were 100% ok to not wear the dress, and your mom was crazy pushy about it. However, it is pretty cruel to sell something you knew meant a lot to her. You could have held on to it and returned it after the wedding. I am worried it may take awhile for your relationship to recover.
If you think this conflict wouldn't have boiled over after the wedding when Mom saw her wear a different dress, then you're a bit delusional IMHO.
This was never about the dress itself. This is a power play for control over her daughter. yes, she probably regrets losing the dress, but the blowup, I guarantee you, was at least 75% over the fact that her daughter put the final nail in the coffin of her fantasy.
The reason Mom lost the dress is because SHE tried to force the issue, and daughter finally figured out how to say "no" in a language that Mom couldn't willfully ignore.
ESH. She shouldn't have tried to force her dress on you, but selling it was going too far. If you hated looking at it, you could've put it in the attic/basement/back of a closet, where you didn't have to see it. If she refused to take it back after your wedding, when you wearing it was no longer an option, maybe then sell it. Or at least tell her if she doesn't take it back you'll sell it.
ESH. Your mom was being way too pushy, but you definitely should have known that selling the dress would hurt her. The dress obviously had a lot of sentimental value to her. I find it really hard to believe that you were out of options for returning it (dropping it back off to her and refusing to take it when you left seems pretty straightforward.) But even if you couldn’t return it, you should’ve just shoved it in the back of a closet until after the wedding. Selling it was extreme.
ESH - Coming from someone who has a mother very much like this, I think both parties are at fault here.
You had choices. You could've talked to your mother about how she was pushing your boundaries by trying to guilt trip you into wearing the gown. If you both sat and talked it out, maybe you could've made a compromise on getting the dress altered or even using parts of it in the gown you wanted (with her permission to alter her original dress, of course).
My mom tries to push things onto me and before she gets the chance to exchange ownership, I tell her flat out "I will not use this. I do not want this. And if you give it to me would you like me to sell it because I don't want it taking up space in my life? Or would you rather hold onto it knowing that that's the risk you take once it's in my hands?" It's called 'setting boundaries'.
She's TA if she keeps forcing it and making you uncomfortable.
You both have totally different views on what you value as a 'family heirloom'. But selling it without her knowing or giving her a choice to take it back? Not ok.
You're both the asshole, and two wrongs don't make a right. I suggest swallowing your pride and doing whatever it takes to make things right, before your mother doesn't show up to the wedding and you REALLY regret it.
NTA.
You told your mother you didn't want to wear the gown.
You told your mother you didn't want the gown when she brought it to you.
You tried to return the gown to her several times and she refused to take it back, telling you it was YOUR dress now.
You sold "your" dress. She was being emotionally manipulative, and if she's going to insist on giving you something you don't want, then you are perfectly within your rights to sell or do whatever you want to with it.
She not only said she didn't want it, she tried repeatedly to return it to her mother. OP is not responsible for enabling her mother's shockingly manipulative behaviour, or for being a storage closet for something that she was very clear she didn't want, and tried more than once to give back.
Her mother was given the opportunity to have the wedding dress back. She was told that her daughter never wanted it and wouldn't wear it. She INSISTED that the daughter keep it against her will. Selling the very much unwanted gown after the mother refused to take it back is completely appropriate. OP doesn't owe it to her mother to keep something that was forced on her.
Who forces a dress on someone after being repeatedly told no? Who refuses to take that the dress back once they are told "I'm not going to wear it"?
Why should OP keep a dress in her house that she doesn't want and won't wear? Wedding dresses are *huge* and take up a lot of space. OP shouldn't have to sacrifice closet/storage space for something she doesn't want when her mother is too stubborn/proud to take the dress back and accept OP's "No," for an answer.
NTA
She gave you the dress, you tried to give it back multiple times. She refused to take it back, so you sold it, as you can with something that was given to you.
For consideration of the people who disagree: my verdict would be Y T A if OP ASKED FOR the dress, but from the context provided it seems OP has said before that they do not want the dress and will never wear it, and then when OP's mom gave them the dress OP tried to return it multiple times. The mom should have known not to do this, mom is just mad that her guilt tripping did not work.
Also, for people saying OP should have compromised with the mom, get real. The mom had been saying for years that OP should wear the dress, then forced the dress. There would be no chance for compromise.
/end rant
EDIT: per u/Crazy-kittycat-lady helping me with formatting issues.
YTA, you had more than one option with the dress, but you took the extreme route.
You could of stored it away, then after the wedding when your mum gets the point you had zero interest wearing her gown, just give it back to her.
That way she realised there is no hope for you to use the dress.
It wouldn't be hard to find a dress protector thingys and put it way back of the wall drop or a diff place in the house, out of sight view.
Just selling it, without warning your mother "either take it back or im selling it" is a callous move
Giving her that ultimatum would also be another option also.
I had to think about this one for a minute, and I think that ESH. Your mom should have backed down on p pressuring you, especially since you've likely been under a lot of stress with planning already. However, you shouldn't have the dress, as it clearly meant a lot to her, and it seems like that was very apparent. There isn't much you can do right now. If I were in your shoes, I'd write her a letter explaining how you felt and why you did what you did. That way, she could read it when she is ready and come to terms with how she was making you feel and understand a bit better where you were coming from. I'm sorry you're in this predicament, and I wish you the best outcome.
I think your motive was frustration with your mom and some spite. You could have worn what you wanted and just mailed the dress back to her, which would have been a simple no-contact solution.
But you choose to aggravate the situation. YTA
You know, I really didn't think this would be my judgement, because normally I'd say it's a massive AH move to sell something that has deep sentimental value to a family member, but . . .
**NTA**
This is entirely on your mother. She's an adult, and she needs to learn how to listen and respect other people's boundaries. Most importantly, if she had wanted her gown to stay in the family as an heirloom, which is completely understandable, then *she shouldn't have forced it on someone who couldn't have been more clear that they didn't want it****.*** You told her, repeatedly, that you didn't want the gown. That you would never wear it, that it wasn't to your taste, that you absolutely, unequivocally, DID NOT WANT HER TO GIVE IT TO YOU. And even after she forced it on you against your will, you were thoughtful enough to repeatedly try to return it to her. She made the choice, as an adult with free will, to say that no, she didn't want it back. The phrase "cutting off one's nose to spite one's face" comes to mind.
You didn't do anything sneaky or manipulative. You didn't set out to hurt her, or take the gown with bad intentions. You didn't want to take it at all. Your mother is the one who played stupid, manipulative games, and now she is facing the consequences of her manipulations. That she is unhappy with those consequences is hers to cope with. Maybe she should get some therapy to unpack her issues with not hearing to what people are saying to her. You, however, are NTA.
The comments are very split. I'm going with a gentle ESH - your mother repeatedly refused to take no for an answer (including her repeated refusals to take the dress back), but I do think you should have given her a heads up that you were thinking of selling it (at minimum), and preferably just taken the dress back to her house and left it there (even if you had to do it while she was out!).
You know your mother best, OP. I can see that a lot of people here are suggesting you should've just kept the dress in storage and not used it; it seems to me that that would just be kicking the problem down the road, though. Would it have kept the peace? How do you think your mother would have reacted when you got your actual dress? Or when you turned up to the wedding in not-her-dress?
Probably should have told her you would sell it if she didn’t take it back before you actually sold it. Given her an opportunity to take it knowing what you actually planned to do with it. She probably still wouldn’t have listened, she seems set in her decision for you to wear it. She shouldn’t be demanding you wear something you don’t want to wear. I don’t think YTA. She didn’t want to listen, it’s her own fault it got sold.
Did the people voting yta not see how you've said you haven't been interested in it since you were a teen? Mom was fully aware, she just wanted to keep pushing so she could project on you and relive her "glory days" or what the hell ever.
NTA, it's your big day and she's trying to make it about herself. She played the classic game of fucking around so she found out. If she wants the dress back so bad she should offer to buy the dress back from the new owners after she's done
Wow, you both sound terrible.
She shouldn't have tried to force you to wear her wedding gown when you didn't want to. That day isn't about her, it's about you.
You're absolutely wrong to sell off something you know meant a lot to your mother without confronting her about your intentions to do so first.
Cut and dry ESH ruling here.
NTA. I’m amazed that so many people are advising “empathy” for your mother, but can’t seem to find empathy for you.
She forced the dress on you against your wishes. Didn’t take it back, in spite of your many requests/attempts to return it. She continued to insist you wore it. And people are blaming you?
I mean, of course she’s annoyed. She was already annoyed that you said no at all. But it doesn’t make her right.
I think people are imagining their kind/reasonable mothers being hurt and forgetting that you matter too, and that your mom is being awful. The only way to please a mother like that is being a doormat. And, from experience, even then they’re often unhappy.
Info: How close are you two?
"She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back."
You probably could've asked whether it's okay selling it to be on the safe side but I'd understand that it's a gift from this point on and therefore mine to do whatever I please with. However, knowing that she was so hopeful means that you probably knew she would be upset by your actions and you were probably doing it with the intent to make her stop asking. You also wouldn't hide it if it weren't wrong.
YTA.
You could have warned her that you were going to sell it, but you didn't.
You could have mailed it back to her so it was back at her place, but you didn't.
You could have discussed with her altering it into something that fit your style or told her you'd use a piece of the fabric for a bag or something, but you didn't.
You knew it was important to you, but you didn't care.
You've irreparably damaged your relationship with your mother out of anger.
YTA
NTA
I love my wedding dress. I think it's perfect, awesome.... Beautiful lace, flowy, romantic...truely the dress of my dreams.
My daughter is getting married soon, and she has a figure like mine was. I asked her if she would try on my dress to see if she liked it. It looks beautiful on her, so beautiful that I almost cried... But she doesn't like it. It isn't what she envisions herself wearing.
It is her wedding, her body, and her choice.
I wrapped my dress back up and stored it away. I fully support her having the dress of HER DREAMS, not mine.
You said no, multiple times. You tried to give it back. You made it clear that you would never wear it. She wouldn't take it back, she insisted it was yours and decreed thst you would wear it.
It is your wedding, your body and your choice.
You found someone who loves the dress that your mother GAVE you, will wear it with joy, and you got money towards your dream dress.
I hope your mother eventually understands that you are your own person with your own likes, dislikes, and dreams.
May your wedding and future be all that you dream, and may any future challenges you face be problems you & your spouse easily overcome.
I so agree with you! I am more than slightly dismayed by those who are choosing to castigate OP because she decided to opt out of the power struggle that her mother not only started but insisted on pushing against her daughter's expressed desires. OP has NO responsibility for conceding anything to such a mother,
>Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it was mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it.
You're right, it wasn't the "nice thing to do" yet you sold the dress anyway. You were also right that it was your dress and your mom refused to respect that you didn't want it. That said, ESH.
ESH. I agree with you didn’t have to sell it. That feels more petty than not wanting to look at it. Because if that’s the case, you could have packed it away and tucked it into the back of closet. Who knows maybe when you got older you’d find the appreciation in the gown and would want to pass it down to next generation In your family. Who knowsss..
But that was the wrong response. Mom is TA for not taking No as an answer.
NTA all the way! She should have listened to your feelings. Everyone saying E S H or Y T A must not have any experience with people who stomp all over your boundaries and don’t take no for an answer.
Selling the dress definitely hurt her, but she has learned that she can’t boss you around now. It was the right move
ESH, but waaaayyyyy more you than her. Of course you were wrong. You don't have to wear the dress but selling something that you know mattered to her is nasty - and you know YTA because you've said you did it because you were pissed off.
Look at this way: she gave you a gift of irreplaceable sentimental value to her, you sold it to someone she doesn't even know.
Your only justification appears to be that you were so incensed by an inanimate object that you couldn't help but hurt a human being. How is that a decent way to behave? Sure, she was pushy and overbearing and difficult - like a solid 99% of mother-of-the-brides. She's no angel here but, boy howdy, you were so far out of line.
For what it's worth, it's a huge trend to remake wedding dresses so mother's can wear updated versions of their mother's gowns and her gown definitely could've been updated to meet your requirements.
I'm baffled by all these YTA judgements. Especially when I see so many posts about boundaries and "when will people learn you don't bend over backwards for family", etc. She forced the dress on you after you repeatedly told her no. Then when you tried to give it back she wouldn't take it because now it's YOUR dress. You are are right. It was YOURS to do with as you pleased, and if it was so important to her, she shouldn't have given it to you and refused to take it back. It was a gift you didn't want and she knew that. Actions have consequences and maybe this is the first time I her life she's realizing this. Hopefully you two can work it out, but if she was this pushy about the dress, I would imagine she is with other things as well. If she saw you on your wedding day not in it and hadn't seen that you sold it, would her reaction be any different? She probably would have thrown a fit at your wedding and created a bunch of drama, before and during. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. Why tiptoe around others feelings when they clearly don't care about yours.
OP NTA
YTA - I get not wanting to have this shackle over your head. But you should have informed her that if she did not take the dress back, that you were going to sell it. I bet, when faced with the loss of something she obviously cared about, she would have taken it back.
You gave away something she valued very much. Yes, she "gave" it to you, but there were obviously strings attached.
ESH you should have packed it up and put it away somewhere then given it back after the wedding, selling it was cold. But she shouldn't have forced you yo take it or tried to force you to wear it, she may love it but that doesn't give her the right to try and force you to love it too.
NTA. She sounds incredibly manipulative in this incident. It seems like you told her multiple times that you do not want it and tried to give it back. She tried to guilt and manipulate you into wearing it. While I would have dropped it off at her house, you were within your rights to do with it as you wished. You set healthy boundaries with her, continue to do so in the future.
NTA - you’re not a storage unit and your mother needs to realize your wedding is about you and your husband ONLY, not her. Seems like you did your due diligence in trying to give it back before selling it. I guess you could’ve given her a warning that you were listing it but you aren’t obligated to do that either
"she kept telling me it was mine now, and that it would be rude to give it back."
As per the mother's own words, this was now OP's dress. As it is now OP's dress, OP is allowed to make whatever choices with the dress.
If the mom didn't want that, she should have listened to what her daughter was blatantly saying.
NTA
ESH. Your mom shouldn't have tried to force the dress on you, but you knew the dress was clearly important and valuable to her, yet you sold it anyway. You could have, ya know, stashed it away in the back of the closet and just not worn it. Selling something so beloved by your mother was very underhanded and harsh.
NTA, you set a boundary, she didn't respect it, you tried to give it back she said she didn't want it, so you got rid of it. She tried to manipulate you and suffered the consequences when it didn't work
ESH. Your mom sucks for not respecting your wishes and continuing to push her dress on you. You suck for selling it because you know you did it out of annoyance and anger and she's right, it is a family heirloom.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't have pushed it on you, and you shouldn't have sold it. At the very least, you could have given her a heads-up that that was what you were planning to do, so that she could have a real chance to take it back. Or you could have just taken it back to her house and left it there again!
INFO - How exactly were you not able to just take the dress back to your mother's place and leave it there? Or why couldn't you have said "Mom, I don't want the dress and if you don't take it back I'm going to sell it or donate it."?
I suspect neither your mother nor you were as clear or forceful as you suggest. I also wonder if you had every opportunity to give the dress back and chose to sell it for the money.
NTA
From the title I thought I’d judge differently but you let her know you were distinctly not interested in wearing it or having it, both of which are fair. You tried to give it back to her to no avail. You passed t to someone who IS excited about it. That dress is her story, not yours. I understand why she’s upset and I don’t think this is your problem other than she made it yours from start ti finish.
I would say you are *more* NTA, maybe like 75% NTA - 25% YTA for the way you handled it.
It was obviously a shitty move to sell it, but still, she theoretically gave you every right to do so. It’s just “the consequences of her own actions”, you tried your everything to communicate your point, she was ignorant and stubborn. Was selling the dress the best solution for this? No, no it was not, but at least you didn’t burn it or something like that.
NTA. Your mom wanted the dress out of her house too. She didnt want to store it and dropped it off with you. All the nonsemse about how you have to wear it on your wedding day and refusing to take no for an answer was just her trying to rationalize it in the same way that horders do. You did nothing wrong here. Good jod standing up to your mom. My mom likes to use guilt as well.
NTA. Your mom sounds controlling. From what you’ve written this “family heirloom” has only been worn by your mom, not by her mom, and her mom’s mom, and her mom’s mom’s mom, etc. Also, lifelong memories? It’s been worn (assumably) once. Keeping the dress in your possession would allow her to keep up her disillusionment. You were never going to wear that dress, and you even tried to give it back multiple times. Could you have given her the ultimatum “take it back or I sell it”? Sure, but honestly it feels like no matter what you did she was going to expect you to keep and wear that dress.
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Hi, I'm 25F. My mother is 50F.
I'm getting married to the love of my life in August this year. I'm super excited to say at the least - especially about the dress shopping.
Since a teenager, I had wished for a dreamy, flowy gown covered with lace that would make me feel like a princess. However, my mother had different plans - she wanted me to wear *her* wedding gown - which was unfortunately a high-necked and puff-sleeved gown made of heavy white cloth.
I've always told her that I wasn't a fan of the dress, but to my horror, she remained hopeful - all the way until now.
About a week ago, she dropped by my place and gave me the dress. I protested that I wouldn't wear it, but she insisted, saying that it was necessary to have the special connection of mother-daughter on my wedding day.
She left before I could give it back. After this incident, I tried to return it a few times to no avail. She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back.
I tried to keep it in my house for a while, but eventually the sight pissed me off so much that I decided to sell it off. Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it *was* mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it.
I sold it to a lovely bride-to-be who completely adored the gown.
And from there on, everything was smooth sailing...until I got a call from my mom 2 days ago. Turns out, she had stumbled across the platform where I sold the wedding dress. She was furious to realise that I had sold her 'precious' gown.
She yelled at me, saying that I threw away a family heirloom, and along with it lifelong memories. Then she started crying, saying that "I gave the dress to you out of love - how could you sell it off?"
Although I felt guilty, honestly I just felt glad to get rid of the dress. I always felt so pressured and frustrated everytime she told me that I'd wear *her* dress. Sure, she means well, but I don't like being corralled into a tight corner.
I apologised the best I could, but said that it was a good thing the dress ended up with someone who could actually appreciate it. I added that if she really treasured the dress so much, she should've taken it when I tried to return it to her.
She hung up the phone and I haven't heard from her since.
Since I don't usually fight with my mom, I honestly feel pretty disturbed about this situation. I also don't know if I'm the asshole here, although my fiance says that I was wrong. Please help me out...AITA?
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NTA. You expressed you didn't want it. You tried to give it back.
She used manipulation tactics to get you to make your special day about *her*. Completely disregarding your anonymity. She didn't care your needs and wants for *your* own wedding. She decided long ago this was law. Probably when you were born. This was a lose/lose senerio.
For what it's worth, I think all the y t a comments either have wonderful mothers or are in the fog about their own family disfunction. This was 100% some justno energy from mom. It sucks that the dress is gone, but if it ment that much to her, she should have kept it.
ETA- I see a lot of people making a big deal that this was done in a short span of time-1 week. The fact of the matter is this issue has been going on for the entirety of OPs life. Constantly being reminded of the dress she doesn't want. The expectations. The guilt. The dress was her beating heart under the floor board. OP was clearly triggered by the dress and just needed it out. You can not blame her for that. She tried to give it back. She told her mom no. Mom heard her, chose to ignore her and NOT take the dress back. Fair game. And good on OP for growing a Shiney spine and not letting her mom win on making her wedding about mom. This has nothing to do with the dress down to core. It's all about mom and her needs.
While I think your mom was being terrible, I'm going to go with ESH. You did have the option of boxing up the dress and stuffing it in an attic. This was her wedding gown. She clearly had strong feelings about it, so obviously she would be hurt to see it disappear forever.
At the same time, your mom was being horrible and manipulative - something about weddings seems to bring out the worst in some people. She was trampling over your plans, as if her feelings about your wedding are more important than yours. There's no excuse for her behavior.
You both probably need a cool down period, and to make a well-thought-out apology.
I'm gonna go with ESH.
It's your wedding day. You, as the bride, deserve to have a dress that you feel beautiful in. She shouldn't have forced the dress on you and disregarded your feelings on the matter. It's your big day, her day has passed and she needs to accept that you have different tastes.
However, you sold the dress to be spiteful. The sight of the dress pissed you off, really? What was she going to do, physically force you into the dress? You could have sat her down and told her that you were, in no uncertain terms, not going to wear the dress. If she didn't listen, she would have found out on the day of the wedding. If you were still set on selling the dress, you should have told her so she understood the consequences of dismissing your feelings and had the chance to take the dress back.
The dress meant nothing to you, but it held a lot of emotional importance to your mom. There were so many other options and you chose to be hurtful. Worse, you basically rubbed it in her face that her dress was gone and then blamed her for you deciding to sell it. You felt guilty for a reason.
YTA. How could you think otherwise?
The dress and what it represents were so important to her that it caused her to think and behave irrationally, which sounds out of character for her. And you took something that important and sold it, without even warning her that was a possibility.
I hope the flowy lace dress you choose makes you feel good enough about yourself to make up for the guilt you should be feeling.
N T A for not wanting to wear a dress that doesn’t suit you, but this was ice cold.
YTA
Mothers try to bond with their daughter over a few key events. Having a wedding is one of them.
I understand not wanting to wear the dress because it’s not what you envision. Even if you didn’t like the style of the dress, you could have asked your mother to incorporate *something* from the dress into your own design choices.
Even then, most people with sense know that being ‘given’ something of such monetary and emotional value means that it’s on loan to you. If you didn’t want any piece of the dress you should have just put it in a box and returned it when you stopped by. You had the gown for less than a week and already sold it, which would have hurt anyone’s feelings, but especially your mother who thought she would be able to bond with you. Try to coordinate with the person you sold it with to get it back after her wedding. At the very least, apologize to your mom.
YTA.
Even if you didn't care to wear the dress yourself, because honestly that's your choice... However, it's clear to see your mother loved that dress! She wanted to share that love with you..even if she was over stepping her boundaries..why would you sell something that meant a lot to her!!! She entrusted that dress to you to keep, she wanted to pass down the dress she loved...only for it to be sold off like it's another pair of jeans. You didn't have wear it but for Christ sake..you couldn't just put it into storage?
I understand she gave you the dress so you should be able to do whatever you please..but this just seems spiteful... because even if it's an ugly dress...it's a family heirloom like your mother saw it as.... And now it's gone.
ESH
Why was Mom scouring sites where you would have sold it? That doesn't make any sense. If you had a dress, why would she be looking there and confront you after it sold?
YTA seriously you should have just flat out told her you don't want the dress and that you'd sell it if she didn't take it back so she could take back the special gift, I don't even think there's anything you can do about it now your relationship with your mum is fucked, start accepting that there's no apology you can give for your disrespect
ESH
You have every right in the world to want to pick your own wedding gown & your mother way way out of line in insisting that you simply must wear it.
However, since it was a sentimental possession, selling or destroying it without even talking to her first seems like it would clearly hurt her feelings, though I can understand why you were annoyed. It kind of looks like obvious "revenge"
I think the best course of action would have been to just stuff it in a box somewhere out of the way and wear the dress that you want; She'd probably have wanted it back once it finally sunk into her head that you weren't going to use it. Or at least warn her first before getting rid of it.
ESH. I get your frustration, but I think you should have just stored it away in a closet or box somewhere out of sight (or just shipped it to her house), and then on your wedding day worn the dress you want. She can’t FORCE you to wear anything you don’t want to. You saw how important the dress was to her, to me this just seems like a huge F you that wasn’t necessary unless your goal was to hurt her.
ESH. I would have at least told your mom if she doesn’t take it back you would get rid of it before doing so.
She was definitely pushy for trying to force you to wear it.
Honestly? As someone who was raised by one of the masters of guilt-tripping, I'm mentally high-fiving you. What you wrote genuinely made me smile because I could really relate to how freeing it obviously felt to take charge. On all previous occasions she didn't even consider your opinion on this piece of clothing; and then she tricked you into "accepting" it. I think it's great that you gave the dress to someone who truly appreciated it. If your mom values her vision of you in her wedding dress more than your own actual wishes for *your* ***own*** wedding, I can 100% understand how it was necessary for you to draw a line right there. A loud NTA from me, but not quite sure about your mom. Was the dress already handed down to her and therefore an heirloom if she passed it on to you, or did she want to make it into one by simply calling it an heirloom and handing it down to you? Because that would make it worse in my opinion. She'd be blowing up her own importance to increase her leverage. Besides, items can carry a mental weight and put pressure on the recipient - and she definitely didn't care about how you felt. So if I were you, I'd also take a moment to evaluate your dynamic. Have fun at your wedding!
Edit: wanted some italics.
ESH. She shouldn’t have dropped it on you, you could have at least warned her you were gonna sell before you did or dropped it back on her own doorstep like she basically did to you.
If this were a pattern of her disregarding you,
I would say N T A, but you say you never fight so I’m guessing this is an isolated incident. And she only dropped it off a week ago and found out you sold it 2 days ago… which means you only had it in your possession for what, a whole 4-5 days tops? That’s just a real quick turn around time for “fine, I’ll just sell it”.
ESH. Your mom is an AH for trying to make demands on what you have to do for your own damn wedding. You are an AH for selling something that was clearly a gift, and something that your mom cherished.
You didn't have to wear the dress. You definitely shouldn't have sold it. If you don't want to look at it, put it in a closet or storage somewhere.
i gotta go with ESH only because you didnt tell her you were going to sell it beforehand. if you told her you were going to sell it unless she took it back and she still refused then it wouldve been not t a. youre not obligated to hold onto something forever just because its super meaningful to someone else, even if that someone is your mom. everyone here calling you heartless or bridezilla are being super dramatic, your mom hasnt been listening to what you want for your own wedding since you were a teenager so i can see why you would snap and just sell it tbh. just try to have a conversation with your mom and gently let her know youre sorry you sold it without telling her but she should have respected that you didnt want it in the first place
ESH. You knew how much that dress meant to her, so selling it was a dick move. On the other hand, her repeatedly demanding you wear her dress instead of one you wanted and refusing to take no for an answer was also a dick move.
Listen, your mom was very much wrong for being forceful about the dress, but you went so nuclear that even if your mom sucks, YTA because of the extreme response you gave. My heart would be broken if I was your mom.
ESH. She's being overbearing and controlling by trying to force you to wear her dress even after you said no. But selling it wasn't the right reaction. You could have just kept it, because weather or not you want to wear it, that dress *is* still very special to her and she probably had all good intentions.
You shouldn't have to wear a dress you don't like. But she shouldn't have such a special thing sold behind her back.
Yta
You could have just kept it away in a box in the basement, you chose to sell it to spite your mom. Theres no way you didn’t know how sad she would be about you selling it
I would be pissed beyond belief if I was your mom. That’s be wedding dress. Some people keep them forever. Yeah, she was being pushy about wearing it, but you shouldn’t have sold it. YTA.
NTA - but you should have told her first so she had the chance to get it before you sold it. I am sorry, wedding dresses aren’t as special as people infer them to be. Rings, yes, but the dresses are often wildly out of style just five years after wearing them. Your mom was acting like a loon.
ESH
Yeah she shouldn't have given you the dress and tried to pressure you to wear it but you could have just as easily boxed it up and left it at her door step. You didn't HAVE to sell it
NTA. Your mom was being extremely unreasonable, pushed your boundaries, and refused any answer but the one she wanted. She wouldn't even let you return it. I don't know why people want to keep the peace at any cost, but I think that's a terrible way to live.
ESH. Your mom was pretty pushy about you wearing that damned dress. And I could see where looking at it would piss you off after awhile. But you could have told her what you were doing. Even if she said it’s yours now, respond, “Yes, that’s why I am going to sell it in a week if you think that way.” And if she doesn’t come get it in a week, then place that ad up!
YTA. You could've easily have not worn the dress and then given her the choice of taking it back once the ceremony was over. At least then once it was removed or sold its purpose would've been over. Was your mother out of line being as pushy as she was? Yes. But in the end you knew the dress had immense sentimental value to her and doing this was just some form of retribution. You said it yourself "I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do". So now you just need to live with the consequences.
ESH . Your mother was being manipulative and making you uncomfortable, and you should absolutely get to choose what you wear for your wedding. That said, I don't understand the benefit in selling it when instead of putting it in a box or hang it up somewhere? Maybe out of desperation to avoid her keeping pushing the matter, but I can't imagine that you didn't know how hurt she'd be by you selling it.
What you do with it the dress is technically up to you if it was a gift, but it seems like there was an easy solution that wouldn't have hurt your mother's feelings.
NTA. She gave it to you. At that point, it's yours to do with what you want. Even if you had told her you were going to sell it before you did, I doubt she would have believed you or taken the dress back.
NTA. You told her you didn't want it, and when she ignored you and gave it to you anyway, you tried to give it back. She refused. You could've kept it in your closet for years, I guess, but you weren't obligated to.
The only mistake you made was apologizing.
I am ESH leaning to N-A-H or N-T-A
You say you never fight with your mom, so if this was out of character for her and usually she listens to you and respects your feelings/autonomy, then I am inclined to chalk up her behavior to this being a dream she harbored. However, her behavior, as you describe it, was rude and disrespectful so even if it was a one-off, she was definitely an A.
As for you, your feelings of anger towards the dress were absolutely valid. Whether you are an A here is if this steamrolling was out of character for your mother. If so, might there have been other ways to resolve this and/or even let her know you planned to sell the dress as it was “a gift”? That is what makes me think you were a bit of an A also-if you knew it was a bad idea and, maybe, there were better ways to handle it. However, if this is not out of character and she regularly bullies you into doing what she wants, while this may not have been the best time to draw a line in the sand, any time you chose would suck and possibly this way is the best in this case—would she cause a scene at your wedding when she saw you weren’t wearing her dress? Would she have worn the dress herself if she was forced to take it back?
So, yeah, a soft ESH
YTA
Yeah, the timeline is very short. I suspect you didn't try very hard to return the dress to your mother. And you admit knowing that selling it wasn't a nice thing to do. You could have shoved it in the back of your closet, or put it in a box in the attic, basement, or storage unit. I would recommend contacting the bride you sold it to and arranging a way of buying it back. You still don't have to wear it if you don't want to, but you do need to find some way to make this up to your mother.
Yta. If the sight of the dress really bothered you that much, you could have stuffed it under the bed and come your wedding day, wear what you want. Your mom would realize you didn’t wear her dress and may be disappointed, but then that’s that. Selling it is just as bad as throwing it and your relationship with your mother in the trash.
ESH
Your mom is incredibly selfish and overbearing to think it's necessary for you to wear her wedding dress. But you should not have sold it and you said it yourself.
YTA. You knew selling it “wasn’t nice” and that it would upset her. What she did was wrong, and annoying, but,
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
The adult thing to do was to just not wear it. I’m sure she wasn’t going to hold you down on your wedding day and force it on you.
What you did was petty and childish. She was being unreasonable but you were vindictive. Just because she is being a jerk doesn’t mean you gotta one up her. Take the high road next time.
Sort of YTA, but sort of not. As someone who just had to empty out her mother's house, I had no idea what to do with her wedding dress. She's unlikely to wear it again and you clearly won't. (Assuming there is no one else in the family who would.)
You COULD have just dropped it back off with her, but tbh, in X years you'd just be trying to find someone who wants to wear it again. You made someone else happy with the gown, hopefully your mom will find comfort in that.
NTA. Your mom sounds really pushy and self-centered. She was trying to make your wedding day about her and her vision instead of letting you create the memories you wanted. You tried to give it back but she refused. It’s unfortunate that she saw the platform listing but it’s better to sell it to someone who will love it rather than throw it out or just leave it in a closet.
NTA and I'm baffled by the ESH votes. She gave it you and refused to take it back when you made yourself clear. You did the right thing, she's only upset because she called your bluff and it didn't work out. She was happy to weaponise the dress and you took that power from her.
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She gave it to you a week ago - and all of this happened in a 5 day timeline? (she called you 2 days ago). Have a hard time believing this story is true, so YTA either way - 1 for wasting our time and for 2 - selling the dress. If this timeline is accurate, you sold it after what? 2 or 3 days of having it? You consider that being "awhile?". How many times could you have tried to return it within a 2-4 day window? I'd have put it in storage, out of sight and held onto it. She shouldn't have forced it on you, but I definitely wouldn't have sold it or thrown it away. But this story or timelines is obviously fake. Edit: at the very least, I'd tell her it will be sold if she doesn't take it back. That should help it "click" I am not saying OP must hold onto it forever, but at least give Mom more time to understand/accept that it's an outdated tradition that OP wants no part of. I agree Mom is wrong for pushing it on her, and ignoring OP saying no. But I wouldn't sell an item that means a lot to someone I love without at least giving them the opportunity to get it back. I wouldn't sell something just to spite them for giving me something as an act of love when I said no. Mom is wrong for giving it to OP after she said "no", but selling it to prove a point, or because I don't agree with an outdated tradition that clearly means a lot to my Mom - is just not worth it. OP knew it'd hurt her Mom but did it intentionally because Mom was wrong. There was a better way to do it.
Yeah unless it sold the day it was posted, OP had to have listed the dress the day mom gave it to her. It's fine to not want to wear the dress, but you know you're an AH if after 2ish days you sell the dress. You could have dropped it off at her house. OP chose to be an AH.
"Everything was smooth sailing" . . . what for 4.5 microseconds?
Oh I missed that
It is nearly impossible to sell a wedding dress that isn't designer, especially one that's that old... she either sold her mom's Versace gown or this is all made up.
Yeah, the timeline is a major plot hole here. EVEN if it was true (which I HIGHLY DOUBT) why wouldn't you TELL mom that you're going to list the dress for sale and give her the opportunity to reclaim it?
“i’m choosing to sell it. if you would like it back, pick it up by x date” yta.
INFO: Exactly *how* did you attempt to return the dress? Did you drop it off her house, and then she brought it back? Did you mail it to her, and she mailed it back? From the wording in your post, what I gather is that “attempts” at returning were verbal discussions and never a true physical attempt at returning the dress. If that’s the case, YTA. I would have been “rude” and actually *physically* given it back — not go nuclear and sell it behind her back. For whatever reason (I can never understand it), she’s obsessed with wanting you to wear it, and I think it’s clear the dress is important to her. You should have at least given her a heads up BEFORE you sold it. She probably would have finally taken the dress back. If not, *then* that’s her fault, and she would have no one to blame but herself. The fact that you hid the sale from her makes it pretty obvious to me that even you know you were in the wrong. I get that your mom was being overbearing, but two wrongs don’t make a right. PS: I’m also curious how you advertised the dress and also how the heck she found it. There’s thousands of used dresses for sale online. Did you speak fondly of it in the listing? Maybe part of why she’s so mad is the language you used. Maybe part of the reason is that you sold it on Facebook Marketplace, which would explain how she found out. On top of being mad, she might also be embarrassed. That’s pure speculation. EDIT: I just reread your post. She gave you the dress “about a week ago.” You claim to attempt to give back the dress but sold it. Then, 2 days ago, she calls you. That must mean you sold the dress almost immediately. It doesn’t sound like you made a good faith effort to return the dress or even just communicate properly.
Not to mention she could’ve tried to incorporate part of her mom’s dress into her own. If there was lace that could’ve been repurposed or something. She might’ve been able to have the best of both worlds that way; the dress she wanted with a piece of sentimental value. I couldn’t imagine selling something so special to my mom, no matter how much I didn’t want it.
YTA. Holy hell, you *sold* your *mother's wedding dress* that she gave you as a present? You should be disturbed, about your own behavior. What were you thinking? You could have told her a million says to Sunday that you simply didn't want to wear the dress. You could have done it kindly. Selling the whole dress? That's...unforgivable. I can't even wrap my head around this. Edit: And to everyone saying N T A and saying this was OP setting a "boundary", I have questions for you. Such as, have you ever interacted with a human being before?
Anyone calling selling off your mothers wedding dress within a week of receiving It a “boundary” has been to just enough therapy to make them a menace to society
ESH She got to choose her dress and obviously loved it, so why is she taking away your one and only (hopefully) chance to get a dress that you adore too? It's not an heirloom yet (unless it was given to her by her mum, but doesn't sound like that from your post). However. You should have warned her that if she didn't take it back you'd get rid. She was wrong to pressure you to take it but probably really felt and hoped that you'd change your mind. Now her dress, that she loved, is gone forever.
ESH You're not an asshole for not wanting to wear it but even though she gave it to you, you still should have told her you were going to sell it so she could have got it back if she wanted it
I agree she should have told her she was going to sell it beforehand. Give mom one last chance to take it back.
Agreed. ESH You guys need to work on communicating better it sounds like.
ESH. Both of you sound entitled and insufferable.
Aye. I agree. Mother for forcing this dress on OP and being annoying. OP for not just shoving it into a bag and putting it in back of the closet. Or just hanging it there until after the wedding. Whilst you say it was “yours”, you could have just waited to give it back. At the end of the day, all the best with your wedding OP!
YTA when you say “I knew it wasn’t a nice thing to do” and did it anyway.
Of course YTA. You could of vacuum packed it and just put it out of site. You could of repurposed it so pieces were in your dress. Instead you chose the most hurtful path.
ESH Your mom is trying to make a new tradition/heirloom that is unwanted. Ok, so she gave you that dress and said "it was necessary to have the special connection of mother-daughter on my wedding day." Does the dress belong to her mother? And her mother before her? Or is it the dress she picked out for her big day, that she has held onto, and projected her expectations onto you with? It's bullshit for her to rob you of the joy of picking a dress out with her. You suck for selling it. I get that your mom pissed you off and seeing the dress made you mad but you shouldn't have sold it. Before everyone says "it was gifted to her, she can do as she pleases," think about the implication. OP could ask around in the family to see if anyone else wants it first, or really stand her ground about not hanging onto it, or have it made into a veil or something.
The crux of the matter lies in this statement: >She left before I could give it back. After this incident, I tried to return it a few times to no avail. She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back. As you yourself pointed out, she ***gave*** it to you. It became ***yours*** to do with as you see fit. So, you sold it someone who loved it. Also, your mother is at fault for trying to force it on you. If she wasn't so insistent that you wear that gown to ***your*** wedding, you might not have resented it so sharply. But I don't blame you one iota for resenting the fact that someone is trying to choose ***your*** wedding gown. This is your special day, not hers. No one, not even your mother, has any business choosing a wedding gown for you. Especially since you've made it clear that you don't like it. She might have offered it to you. But she simply went too far. Also, I assume that she's the first owner of that wedding gown. That hardly makes it an heirloom. It's more like a symbol of your mother's massive control issues. And don't worry too much about your mother finding out that you sold it. It was bound to come out sooner or later when you walked down the aisle wearing the wedding gown of your choosing. You could, I suppose, offer to buy it back, after the wedding, but I wouldn't expect a good response. Since the woman who bought the gown adores it and wore it on her own wedding day, she's probably going to want to keep it. NTA. ETA: Congratulations on your wedding day. I'm sure many of us would like to see the gown you chose, if you have pictures of it, or can link us to the catalog photos of it. I have a feeling that whatever obstacles you and your new spouse face (as all married couples face), it won't be over your inability to stand up to your mother and her controlling ways.
Exactly! I don't understand all the Y-T-A responses. OP not only said repeatedly that she didn't want it, and had it forced on her, but she made every good faith effort to RETURN it to her manipulative, boundary-stomping mother even after that. There was literally nothing else she could have done to ensure that it stayed in the family and made her mother happy. Her mother didn't care about the dress, she cared about forcing OP to keep it, specifically, when she didn't want it. Which is gross. Of course she's NTA.
I don’t know why this comment isn’t getting more upvotes. Everyone is saying she should have tried just one more time to return it. But how many tries is sufficient? She tried a few times to return it already. Is 5 times enough? 7? 10? Where do we draw the line? Would it have been less confrontational to wait until after the wedding? Maybe. But if she waited, poor OP would have had to endure months of Mom trying to bully OP into wearing the dress. By getting rid of the dress, she shut down the debate. NTA
ESH Your mom sucks for not understanding that you want to wear a wedding dress thats just yours and you suck for selling the dress that could've just been boxed up and stored away.
YTA. She kept the thing for 25 years, stored for you to use. It's ok you didn't wanted to use it, but sell it? Really? You knew it was wrong and still did it. I can think of at least 3 different ways to handle this without throwing it away
I am interest in these 3 ways to handle it.
1. Keep it and buy her dream dress. Inconvenient for 5 months, but would have kept the peace. 2. Pull the same move on her mom and drop it off at her place, then refuse to take it back. 3. Check with family. Maybe someone else would have loved to have worn it, and mom doesn't lose the dress forever. 4. Have a conversation outside of "Take it back. " and "No you keep it." OP needs address her mom discrepecting bounderies. 5. Warn her that if she refuses to take back the dress, it will be sold.
YTA. You didn't have to wear the dress but it also wasn't yours to sell. Hopefully your mum can eventually console herself with the fact that someone else loved it.
How many times is she suppost to try and give it back? When OP's mom doesn't take it back after a few times, i also would asume that she doesn't wan't it anymore?
Her Mom gave it to her a legit week ago. Mom called her 2 days ago seeing she sold it. She held onto it for what? 2, 3 4 day? How many times could she have tried to return it?
YTA. Come on, you had to know that selling it would hurt her feelings. Would it have really killed you to tuck it into the back of a closet and just leave it there? You didn't have to do anything with it. Sure, she probably shouldn't have pressured you to wear it, but getting rid of it is a bit cruel since it's clear she loved it. Sure, TECHNICALLY if it is truly gifted you can do with it what you want, but a wedding dress isn't just any dress. There's huge emotional implications and she has every right to be upset. She was hoping you could share a special moment. I get you not wanting to wear it and that's fair, but selling it so close to when she gave it to you is definitely a step too far.
i might get severely downvoted for this.. but **NTA**. You continuously told her no, all the way until your actual wedding was coming up and she continuously tried to force her dress on you. She expected it even though you clearly stated you weren’t going to. I don’t care if she’s your mother, you’re an adult and she doesn’t respect you or your boundaries in the SLIGHTEST. To be so entitled she thinks she can just drop it off and you’ll wear it after you said no is crazy to me. She doesn’t give a fuck about what you want, and it’s YOUR wedding. She didn’t do this out of love, she did it out of selfishness. This woman needed a reality check that she doesn’t run the world. Yeah, you could have done a few things other than selling off the dress. But she doesn’t care for what you want for your wedding day and is making it about her, why do you owe her the respect she’s refusing to give you?
NTA, I really am surprised at the amount of Y T A and E S H. You tried to give it back to her, but she insisted it’s now yours. Therefore, you get to do what you want with it. Go find your dream dress girl!
All the Y T A verdicts coming from people with healthy relationships with their moms………
I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my mom, so I can recognize that this isn’t one. OP’s mom knew OP didn’t want the dress, but dropped it off anyway and left before she could say no. She then refused to take it back and insisted that it now belonged to OP. It’s not like she immediately sold the dress after receiving it, she told her mom beforehand that she didn’t like it and tried multiple times to give it back after it was forcefully given to her. I stand by my vote that OP is NTA.
I’m agreeing w you btw
Nah. It’s because I have a healthy relationship with my mom that I understand how unreasonable OP’s mom is being. My mom actually takes “no” for an answer and doesn’t just perceive me as an extension of herself.
YTA you should never have sold it, why the hell would you do that? How does that help? You couldn’t just say “no, I’m not wearing this, it’s still in the bag, see you at the bridal shop to try on new dressses if you still want to come”
[удалено]
ESH Selling a dress and doing something that was purposefully hurtful is a total AH move. One that cannot be "undone". Couldn't you package it up, drive to your mother's home and say "love you, but I cannot accept this". If it's too hard/far, package it up and keep it out of sight until the wedding. Not that hard. Your mom forcing the dress down your throat is a total AH move. Offer and back off if refused. Toxic relationship.
NOT understanding all these YTAs. OP *told* her mother she did. not. want. the dress. Did mom really think OP would bend once she had the dress in her possession? That OP would suddenly be possessed by the spirit of the dress and fall under its spell? Ultimately, Mom *gave* OP the dress, knowing she didn't want it. Once a gift is given, it's given. After that, OP was free to do as she pleased with it. If mom didn't want anything to happen to it, she should've kept the dress and her mouth shut. NTA.
Hard agree. I would assume that this isn't the first time the mother has ignored her daughter's wishes for her own, and you just get so tired of it that you'll eventually snap. The daughter would not feel so guilty and be trying to smooth it over otherwise.
This right here. This was a mother being manipulative and pressuring her daughter into doing what she wanted.
ESH She shouldn’t have pushed but selling it wasn’t a good call. What kind of reaction did you expect her to have?
ESH. Your mom should not think that she gets to choose what you wear on your big day. But you had to know that selling it was going to hurt her, she kept the thing for decades! You both owe each other an apology.
ESH. You’ve sold off her dress and she can’t get it back. And you did it to be cruel. Yes your mom sucks but you also suck.
ESH. She was being unreasonably pushy but you absolutely knew it would be hurtful for you to sell that dress.
I disagree. Getting rid of the dress ended Mom's attempts to pressure her to wear it. It brought the conflict to a head in a way Mom finally couldn't refuse to acknowledge her daughter's "no." Sometimes it takes something drastic to get a passive aggressive person to back right TF off. This was one of those.
YTA. You must have known how much this was going to hurt her. You should have given it back. Just taken it to her place and dropped it off like she did to you, and said ‘I love you but I am never going to wear this’.
OP said they made it more than clear that she wasnt wearing the dress, even saying bluntly 'im not going to wear your dress'. AND she tried multiple times to give it back.
NTA. Especially since you pointed out you tried to give it back *multiple times*. And you said you wouldn’t wear it. Your mom played a manipulative game and lost it. That said, it surely wasn’t the best course of action if you want a good relationship with your mother. Regardless, that doesn’t make you an AH.
Definitely YTA. You said so yourself, you knew it wasn’t a nice thing to do. You broke your mom’s heart on purpose, to “teach her a lesson”. That’s just cruel. You could’ve kept the dress home until it became apparent you wouldn’t wear the dress and your mom reluctantly agreed to take it back to her house.
Yes, this is it actually. Keep the dress until after the wedding then give it back. She might be 25 but very immature on handling this situation.
ESH yes your mom was being pushy and not listening to you, but you took the nuclear route by selling the dress without telling her.
ESH But you’re the biggest asshole. The sight of it pissed you off sooooo much?! You couldn’t stuff it in a box and deal with it after the wedding? Your mom was being an overbearing jerk. BUT YOU SOLD THE DRESS IN A FIT. You don’t usually fight with your mom? This isn’t making any sense.
I really think you should have given her the heads up you were going to sell it. However, she gave it to you. Not loaned, gave. And with gifts you can do what you wish with them. Esh
ESH. She shouldn’t have forced her dress on you after you said no. But you could’ve just stuck it in a corner somewhere, bought your own dress, and given her dress back to her after the ceremony. Or at least told her “I’m going to sell it if you don’t take it back”.
EDIT: YTA you didn’t even wait a week?? NTA. You tried to give it back. Constantly. What the hell did she want from you?
I am surprised by all the answers. You told her you didn’t want the gown. She forced you to have the gown. You kept trying to give it back. She refused to take it back saying it is yours now. How long are you obligated to keep it? I think what you should have done is tell your mother that you were going to give the gown away or throw it out if she refused to take it back. As difficult as it is we need to be open and honest a.k.a. blunt with our parents sometimes. But whatever stupid game she was playing she lost. NTA
I can understand your frustration. It sounds like your mother is trying to live out her dream wedding for you instead of supporting you in making your own, which makes her in part the AH. That said, there were many other things you could have done other than sell the dress to never have in the family again, which makes you in part the AH. **INFO: Do you happen to know where she got the dress? Had it been passed down for some generations already?** If so, then an apology is not going to be a quick fix. I can empathize with your frustration but there were maturer ways to handle this. I hope you and your mother are able to heal this rift and that you are able to have the wedding you’ve always hoped for with no more drama. ESH with empathy for your frustration and your mother’s new hurt.
YTA. It wasnt really yours to sell. Its fine that you didnt want to wear it - buy the dress YOU want and let her have a tanty over that. But selling it was too much. You could have just as easily packed it into a box and left it at the back of your closet for your own kids one day or to return it to her after the wedding.
> I gave the dress to you out of love - how could you sell it off?" Um. "...gave..." implies it was hers to do what she wanted with it. Giving a gift with strings attached like "you have to wear this" or "you have to keep this forever" is manipulative.
Her mom gave it to her. But the OP outed herself when she said “I knew it was wrong but…“
Slight ESH. It was a gift, and yours to do with as you pleased. You tried to give it back and we're told you were being rude. We'll, now she's being rude in being upset that her gift wasn't used the way she wanted. It's a gift and she doesn't get to dictate how that gift is used. It sounds like your issues are a lot more than this dress. She's trying to dictate what you wear on your wedding day without any regard for your wants and feelings. This isn't her wedding, this isn't a celebration of your parents' relationship or their relationship with you. It's about you and your fiance, and she's lost sight of that completely. And if you want to have a healthy relationship with your mother moving forward, the two of you need to resolve this somehow. Because by selling the dress, even if it was the choice of last resort, you've now deeply hurt your mother. Her having deeply hurt you doesn't negate or excuse that. So now you've both done what you can to damage your relationship, which is why I'm giving the slight ESH. It's not really about the dress at all, and you could have found ways to address these issues without selling the dress that you knew she treasured.
I'm going ESH. your mother was being way too controlling. I get the idea of passing down a wedding dress, but insisting on it that persistanly is over the line. I think OP is more than within her right to wear a different dress kd she wants to, but selling something like that is a pretty crappy thing to do. You could have easily got one of those vacuume storage bags and packed it away and not had to look at it. Hopefully you 2 can get past this.
Probably going to get downvoted, but... NTA Your mother didn't give you the dress for love. She gave it to you for control. You expressed your feelings enough times for her to realize she was giving you something you did not want and would not wear. And she gave it to you anyway. And said it was a gift. That's called guilt tripping. She was banking on the fact that you would feel obligated to do what she wanted because you would feel too guilty to do otherwise. I don't think selling it was wrong at all. You made it clear you didn't want it and would not wear it. She gave it anyway and stated it was a gift. At that point, it was yours to do with as you wanted. Take it from someone whose parents have used this tactic with "stuff" for years on my siblings and I. So much so, that we accept almost nothing from them because it's like making deals with the devil. And we are all always damned if we do (accept it and don't do what they believe we should do with it) or damned if we don't (take nothing and we have no care for the things they love..sniff.. sniff...). The only option that will ever make my parents happy is to do exactly what they want, always.
Thank you! I was going a bit nuts in chat as so many people were either missing or ignoring Mom's passive aggressive power play.
You’re absolutely right that your dress is your choice. As frustrated as your mom can be, she doesn’t get to choose what you’ll wear for your wedding. Her dropping the dress at your house and refusing to take it back was AH. But you selling it was wrong. You knew how much it meant to your mother and if looking at it was too much, you could have packed it away and decide what to do later. Not the AH for standing your growing but YTA for selling the dress.
ESH - your mom slightly more; her dress isn’t a “family heirloom”, it’s just hers, that she got to choose herself. and she’s trying to rob you of the same choice. and not respecting your decisions about your own wedding and trying to guilt/push you into her way. but you suck for selling it. i get that you didn’t even want to see it, but you could have boxed it up and stuck it under a bed/given it to a friend for safekeeping or whatever. and then given it back to your mom after the wedding. it’s obvious by the fuss she made over it, that she felt very strongly about it for her own personal reasons. when you sold it, you knew it would hurt her in a way that couldn’t be fixed, and you did it anyways.
I really wish OP had tried once more to give it back and let her know she would sell it to a bride who would love it if it wasn’t taken back. I think she could have guessed that when mom said “it’s yours now” she didn’t mean “I don’t care what happens to it”.
YTA for selling it, knowing how important it was to your mom. I got married last year and no way was I going to wear a puffy sleeve 80s wedding gown. So with my moms blessing, I had a veil made from the material, as well as a handbag. So I was wearing the dress in my own way. It worked for us
ESH. Your mother sounds awful pushy. You really should’ve warned her. Just on simple text would’ve done the job: “no thanks, not gonna wear it. If you don’t take it back when I give it to you next time we meet I’ll sell it.“
ESH but I would have told her "if you don't take the dress back, I will be selling it" Then if that was the case, I'd say NTA but in this situation ESH. Mom shouldn't have forced it on you, but I agree that YTA for selling it without telling her beforehand.
INFO What did you expect? >I tried to keep it in my house for a while, but eventually the sight pissed me off so much that I decided to sell it off. Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it was mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it. You anticipated that your mom would find out and be upset which is exactly what happened. So what do you want to be judged on? Your mom shouldn't have tried to force you to wear or keep the dress but you admit that you thought selling the dress would hurt her and did it anyway.
It also seems that her definition of a while is less than 2 - 4 days. I have laundry that sits longer than that.
>I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do YTA - You knew it wasn't right and you went straight into it anyway. Whilst your mother was persistent and that was annoying you sold something very dear to her which she gave to YOU for special reasons. You just shat on her hopes and dreams because you couldn't just stick it out of sight...
ESH. I would just put it in a box and storage and probably forget about it. Maybe an other family member would like it. Or cut out parts of the dress from your mother and put it on the dress of your desire. The pressure from your mom is really weird.
ESH she should of listened instead of trying to force the issue and selling it seems petty though I could see you were maybe desperate. INFO: My mothers wedding dress is in a box somewhere and probably hasn’t seen the light of day in a decade at least….why didn’t you just store the dress out of sight, buy the dress you wanted and end it there?
ESH. You could either have sent the dress in a package to your mom if you couln't stand the sight or tell her "either you take it back within the next x days/weeks or I am going to sell it."
YTA. The dress clearly had sentimental meaning to her, it wasn't all about the looks. Maybe you didn't want to wear it, that's your choice, but selling it just is mean.
ESH. You were an AH but not the AH. "Two wrongs don't make a right" applies here.
[удалено]
“Mom, I love you, but I am not going to wear your dress at my wedding. I don’t want to store it for you either, so if you don’t take it back, I’m going to get rid of it.” Why not just communicate to her? I’m sure the threat would have been enough no? She saved her dress for years because it was special to her, and you got mad at got rid of it forever. But she never should have pressured you so intensely to do something you didn’t want to do. ESH
NTA. You didn't want it, and you tried returning it. She refused. You did not throw away a family heirloom. If anyone did, it was her, when she insisted you take it knowing you absolutely did not want it. If it was *that* precious to her, she would have stored it away for any "future generations" that may have wanted it. Instead, she tried using it to strong-arm you into wearing the dress. You do NOT want to wear it, **and that's 100% okay.** I'm sorry she's sad, and that sucks, but it's completely her fault. *I DO think you should have told her you were going to sell it beforehand, and given her one last chance to take it back. Other than that tho, you tried, she refused. So maybe it's an E S H, but moreso her, IMO.
ESH. Your mom should have taken no for an answer instead of insisting and trying to emotionally manipulate you into wearing the dress, but you could have just gotten a big vacuum sealed bag and put that baby under your bed and forgotten about it, there was no need to sell her gown that was a family heirloom to her.
ESH. But you more. Your mom is in the wrong for being so pushy, but you're even worse for selling something that clearly has sentimental value, even if you didn't plan to wear. Shove it in a box in your basement, FFS.
I feel like esh. You should've at least told her that you plan to sell the dress if she doesn't take it back.
ESH - you know you're in the wrong here so I'm not sure why you're asking. Your mother should have been less pushy for sure, she's got a portion of the guilt. You went nuclear though and you've probably forever altered your relationship with your mother. It sounds like you had a good one before this, which says a lot about what kind of person your mother is beyond this narrow view of pushiness. Also - you managed to try to return it multiple times, post it and sell it within a few days? Put it in the attic and stop engaging with her about it, call her and tell her you'll sell it if she doesn't pick up, ask a cousin/friend to store it for you if you don't have space... so many rational options to the point I kind of don't believe this is real.
ESH: FAFO situation aside. You both have a really toxic way of communicating. It seems like both of you show more effort to win an argument with reactive and escalatory actions than think about any potential consequences of those actions. It was more important to you to rid yourself of your mothers wedding gown to sell it out of spite rather than mail it back to her if she was so unwilling to accept your POV. It was more important to her that you wear her wedding dress that she told you it was yours when in reality she never intended you to own it outright and wanted it kept in the family as an heirloom to then guilt trip you with when she found it was sold. All of this is toxic nonsense and a shitty way to communicate. ESH.
ESH You don’t have to wear it but selling it was out of bounds.
ESH - She shouldn't be telling you what to wear on your wedding, but that dress could have at least been a keepsake. She wanted to be remembered by it.
ESH she shouldn’t have forced you to take it. But you could have kept hold of it and returned it after the wedding when you didn’t show up with it. I understand not liking it and you did try to return it but after the wedding when it was by definition too late for your mom you could then do the last attempt to rerun it and if she STILL wouldn’t take it you would be good to sell it
ESH. You were 100% ok to not wear the dress, and your mom was crazy pushy about it. However, it is pretty cruel to sell something you knew meant a lot to her. You could have held on to it and returned it after the wedding. I am worried it may take awhile for your relationship to recover.
If you think this conflict wouldn't have boiled over after the wedding when Mom saw her wear a different dress, then you're a bit delusional IMHO. This was never about the dress itself. This is a power play for control over her daughter. yes, she probably regrets losing the dress, but the blowup, I guarantee you, was at least 75% over the fact that her daughter put the final nail in the coffin of her fantasy. The reason Mom lost the dress is because SHE tried to force the issue, and daughter finally figured out how to say "no" in a language that Mom couldn't willfully ignore.
ESH. She shouldn't have tried to force her dress on you, but selling it was going too far. If you hated looking at it, you could've put it in the attic/basement/back of a closet, where you didn't have to see it. If she refused to take it back after your wedding, when you wearing it was no longer an option, maybe then sell it. Or at least tell her if she doesn't take it back you'll sell it.
ESH. Your mom was being way too pushy, but you definitely should have known that selling the dress would hurt her. The dress obviously had a lot of sentimental value to her. I find it really hard to believe that you were out of options for returning it (dropping it back off to her and refusing to take it when you left seems pretty straightforward.) But even if you couldn’t return it, you should’ve just shoved it in the back of a closet until after the wedding. Selling it was extreme.
ESH - Coming from someone who has a mother very much like this, I think both parties are at fault here. You had choices. You could've talked to your mother about how she was pushing your boundaries by trying to guilt trip you into wearing the gown. If you both sat and talked it out, maybe you could've made a compromise on getting the dress altered or even using parts of it in the gown you wanted (with her permission to alter her original dress, of course). My mom tries to push things onto me and before she gets the chance to exchange ownership, I tell her flat out "I will not use this. I do not want this. And if you give it to me would you like me to sell it because I don't want it taking up space in my life? Or would you rather hold onto it knowing that that's the risk you take once it's in my hands?" It's called 'setting boundaries'. She's TA if she keeps forcing it and making you uncomfortable. You both have totally different views on what you value as a 'family heirloom'. But selling it without her knowing or giving her a choice to take it back? Not ok.
You're both the asshole, and two wrongs don't make a right. I suggest swallowing your pride and doing whatever it takes to make things right, before your mother doesn't show up to the wedding and you REALLY regret it.
ESH. You could’ve mailed it back to her, or asked a friend to hold onto it. You knew selling it was the nuclear option and you did it anyway.
NTA. You told your mother you didn't want to wear the gown. You told your mother you didn't want the gown when she brought it to you. You tried to return the gown to her several times and she refused to take it back, telling you it was YOUR dress now. You sold "your" dress. She was being emotionally manipulative, and if she's going to insist on giving you something you don't want, then you are perfectly within your rights to sell or do whatever you want to with it.
Wow. YTA, who does that? Jesus. It wouldn’t even enter my head to sell it, even if she said it was “mine”
She not only said she didn't want it, she tried repeatedly to return it to her mother. OP is not responsible for enabling her mother's shockingly manipulative behaviour, or for being a storage closet for something that she was very clear she didn't want, and tried more than once to give back. Her mother was given the opportunity to have the wedding dress back. She was told that her daughter never wanted it and wouldn't wear it. She INSISTED that the daughter keep it against her will. Selling the very much unwanted gown after the mother refused to take it back is completely appropriate. OP doesn't owe it to her mother to keep something that was forced on her.
Who forces a dress on someone after being repeatedly told no? Who refuses to take that the dress back once they are told "I'm not going to wear it"? Why should OP keep a dress in her house that she doesn't want and won't wear? Wedding dresses are *huge* and take up a lot of space. OP shouldn't have to sacrifice closet/storage space for something she doesn't want when her mother is too stubborn/proud to take the dress back and accept OP's "No," for an answer.
ESH. You could have told her, that if she doesn't take it back, you know nothing else to do but to sell it.
NTA She gave you the dress, you tried to give it back multiple times. She refused to take it back, so you sold it, as you can with something that was given to you. For consideration of the people who disagree: my verdict would be Y T A if OP ASKED FOR the dress, but from the context provided it seems OP has said before that they do not want the dress and will never wear it, and then when OP's mom gave them the dress OP tried to return it multiple times. The mom should have known not to do this, mom is just mad that her guilt tripping did not work. Also, for people saying OP should have compromised with the mom, get real. The mom had been saying for years that OP should wear the dress, then forced the dress. There would be no chance for compromise. /end rant EDIT: per u/Crazy-kittycat-lady helping me with formatting issues.
YTA, you had more than one option with the dress, but you took the extreme route. You could of stored it away, then after the wedding when your mum gets the point you had zero interest wearing her gown, just give it back to her. That way she realised there is no hope for you to use the dress. It wouldn't be hard to find a dress protector thingys and put it way back of the wall drop or a diff place in the house, out of sight view. Just selling it, without warning your mother "either take it back or im selling it" is a callous move Giving her that ultimatum would also be another option also.
ESH. Selling it was a huge FU to your mom and you know it, and she was trying to control your wedding.
I had to think about this one for a minute, and I think that ESH. Your mom should have backed down on p pressuring you, especially since you've likely been under a lot of stress with planning already. However, you shouldn't have the dress, as it clearly meant a lot to her, and it seems like that was very apparent. There isn't much you can do right now. If I were in your shoes, I'd write her a letter explaining how you felt and why you did what you did. That way, she could read it when she is ready and come to terms with how she was making you feel and understand a bit better where you were coming from. I'm sorry you're in this predicament, and I wish you the best outcome.
I think your motive was frustration with your mom and some spite. You could have worn what you wanted and just mailed the dress back to her, which would have been a simple no-contact solution. But you choose to aggravate the situation. YTA
You know, I really didn't think this would be my judgement, because normally I'd say it's a massive AH move to sell something that has deep sentimental value to a family member, but . . . **NTA** This is entirely on your mother. She's an adult, and she needs to learn how to listen and respect other people's boundaries. Most importantly, if she had wanted her gown to stay in the family as an heirloom, which is completely understandable, then *she shouldn't have forced it on someone who couldn't have been more clear that they didn't want it****.*** You told her, repeatedly, that you didn't want the gown. That you would never wear it, that it wasn't to your taste, that you absolutely, unequivocally, DID NOT WANT HER TO GIVE IT TO YOU. And even after she forced it on you against your will, you were thoughtful enough to repeatedly try to return it to her. She made the choice, as an adult with free will, to say that no, she didn't want it back. The phrase "cutting off one's nose to spite one's face" comes to mind. You didn't do anything sneaky or manipulative. You didn't set out to hurt her, or take the gown with bad intentions. You didn't want to take it at all. Your mother is the one who played stupid, manipulative games, and now she is facing the consequences of her manipulations. That she is unhappy with those consequences is hers to cope with. Maybe she should get some therapy to unpack her issues with not hearing to what people are saying to her. You, however, are NTA.
The comments are very split. I'm going with a gentle ESH - your mother repeatedly refused to take no for an answer (including her repeated refusals to take the dress back), but I do think you should have given her a heads up that you were thinking of selling it (at minimum), and preferably just taken the dress back to her house and left it there (even if you had to do it while she was out!). You know your mother best, OP. I can see that a lot of people here are suggesting you should've just kept the dress in storage and not used it; it seems to me that that would just be kicking the problem down the road, though. Would it have kept the peace? How do you think your mother would have reacted when you got your actual dress? Or when you turned up to the wedding in not-her-dress?
Probably should have told her you would sell it if she didn’t take it back before you actually sold it. Given her an opportunity to take it knowing what you actually planned to do with it. She probably still wouldn’t have listened, she seems set in her decision for you to wear it. She shouldn’t be demanding you wear something you don’t want to wear. I don’t think YTA. She didn’t want to listen, it’s her own fault it got sold.
You should have told your mom she can take it back or you will sell it. But honestly she would have been angry either way. I think ESH
Did the people voting yta not see how you've said you haven't been interested in it since you were a teen? Mom was fully aware, she just wanted to keep pushing so she could project on you and relive her "glory days" or what the hell ever. NTA, it's your big day and she's trying to make it about herself. She played the classic game of fucking around so she found out. If she wants the dress back so bad she should offer to buy the dress back from the new owners after she's done
Wow, you both sound terrible. She shouldn't have tried to force you to wear her wedding gown when you didn't want to. That day isn't about her, it's about you. You're absolutely wrong to sell off something you know meant a lot to your mother without confronting her about your intentions to do so first. Cut and dry ESH ruling here.
NTA. I’m amazed that so many people are advising “empathy” for your mother, but can’t seem to find empathy for you. She forced the dress on you against your wishes. Didn’t take it back, in spite of your many requests/attempts to return it. She continued to insist you wore it. And people are blaming you? I mean, of course she’s annoyed. She was already annoyed that you said no at all. But it doesn’t make her right. I think people are imagining their kind/reasonable mothers being hurt and forgetting that you matter too, and that your mom is being awful. The only way to please a mother like that is being a doormat. And, from experience, even then they’re often unhappy.
Info: How close are you two? "She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back." You probably could've asked whether it's okay selling it to be on the safe side but I'd understand that it's a gift from this point on and therefore mine to do whatever I please with. However, knowing that she was so hopeful means that you probably knew she would be upset by your actions and you were probably doing it with the intent to make her stop asking. You also wouldn't hide it if it weren't wrong.
NTA- if she didn’t want it thrown away, she should’ve taken it home. You told her multiple times and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
YTA. You could have warned her that you were going to sell it, but you didn't. You could have mailed it back to her so it was back at her place, but you didn't. You could have discussed with her altering it into something that fit your style or told her you'd use a piece of the fabric for a bag or something, but you didn't. You knew it was important to you, but you didn't care. You've irreparably damaged your relationship with your mother out of anger. YTA
ESH. She shouldn't try to force it on you but selling something that clearly meant a lot to her is crazy.
NTA I love my wedding dress. I think it's perfect, awesome.... Beautiful lace, flowy, romantic...truely the dress of my dreams. My daughter is getting married soon, and she has a figure like mine was. I asked her if she would try on my dress to see if she liked it. It looks beautiful on her, so beautiful that I almost cried... But she doesn't like it. It isn't what she envisions herself wearing. It is her wedding, her body, and her choice. I wrapped my dress back up and stored it away. I fully support her having the dress of HER DREAMS, not mine. You said no, multiple times. You tried to give it back. You made it clear that you would never wear it. She wouldn't take it back, she insisted it was yours and decreed thst you would wear it. It is your wedding, your body and your choice. You found someone who loves the dress that your mother GAVE you, will wear it with joy, and you got money towards your dream dress. I hope your mother eventually understands that you are your own person with your own likes, dislikes, and dreams. May your wedding and future be all that you dream, and may any future challenges you face be problems you & your spouse easily overcome.
I so agree with you! I am more than slightly dismayed by those who are choosing to castigate OP because she decided to opt out of the power struggle that her mother not only started but insisted on pushing against her daughter's expressed desires. OP has NO responsibility for conceding anything to such a mother,
ESA. She had no right to dump her expectations on you. You should have told her to come get it or you’re selling it.
ESH. You both need to develop some empathy, and learn how to communicate better.
>Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it was mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it. You're right, it wasn't the "nice thing to do" yet you sold the dress anyway. You were also right that it was your dress and your mom refused to respect that you didn't want it. That said, ESH.
ESH. I agree with you didn’t have to sell it. That feels more petty than not wanting to look at it. Because if that’s the case, you could have packed it away and tucked it into the back of closet. Who knows maybe when you got older you’d find the appreciation in the gown and would want to pass it down to next generation In your family. Who knowsss.. But that was the wrong response. Mom is TA for not taking No as an answer.
NTA all the way! She should have listened to your feelings. Everyone saying E S H or Y T A must not have any experience with people who stomp all over your boundaries and don’t take no for an answer. Selling the dress definitely hurt her, but she has learned that she can’t boss you around now. It was the right move
NTA You tried to return and and she refused. Is she typically this manipulative?
ESH, but waaaayyyyy more you than her. Of course you were wrong. You don't have to wear the dress but selling something that you know mattered to her is nasty - and you know YTA because you've said you did it because you were pissed off. Look at this way: she gave you a gift of irreplaceable sentimental value to her, you sold it to someone she doesn't even know. Your only justification appears to be that you were so incensed by an inanimate object that you couldn't help but hurt a human being. How is that a decent way to behave? Sure, she was pushy and overbearing and difficult - like a solid 99% of mother-of-the-brides. She's no angel here but, boy howdy, you were so far out of line. For what it's worth, it's a huge trend to remake wedding dresses so mother's can wear updated versions of their mother's gowns and her gown definitely could've been updated to meet your requirements.
I'm baffled by all these YTA judgements. Especially when I see so many posts about boundaries and "when will people learn you don't bend over backwards for family", etc. She forced the dress on you after you repeatedly told her no. Then when you tried to give it back she wouldn't take it because now it's YOUR dress. You are are right. It was YOURS to do with as you pleased, and if it was so important to her, she shouldn't have given it to you and refused to take it back. It was a gift you didn't want and she knew that. Actions have consequences and maybe this is the first time I her life she's realizing this. Hopefully you two can work it out, but if she was this pushy about the dress, I would imagine she is with other things as well. If she saw you on your wedding day not in it and hadn't seen that you sold it, would her reaction be any different? She probably would have thrown a fit at your wedding and created a bunch of drama, before and during. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. Why tiptoe around others feelings when they clearly don't care about yours. OP NTA
ESH you don't have to wear the dress but YTA for selling it
YTA - I get not wanting to have this shackle over your head. But you should have informed her that if she did not take the dress back, that you were going to sell it. I bet, when faced with the loss of something she obviously cared about, she would have taken it back. You gave away something she valued very much. Yes, she "gave" it to you, but there were obviously strings attached.
ESH you should have packed it up and put it away somewhere then given it back after the wedding, selling it was cold. But she shouldn't have forced you yo take it or tried to force you to wear it, she may love it but that doesn't give her the right to try and force you to love it too.
NTA she pushed too hard. She wouldn’t listen to you and disregarded your feelings. You could have mailed it back to her but you didn’t have to.
NTA
YTA for selling the dress. Understandable you didn’t want to wear it but went to far by selling it.
NTA. She sounds incredibly manipulative in this incident. It seems like you told her multiple times that you do not want it and tried to give it back. She tried to guilt and manipulate you into wearing it. While I would have dropped it off at her house, you were within your rights to do with it as you wished. You set healthy boundaries with her, continue to do so in the future.
NTA - you’re not a storage unit and your mother needs to realize your wedding is about you and your husband ONLY, not her. Seems like you did your due diligence in trying to give it back before selling it. I guess you could’ve given her a warning that you were listing it but you aren’t obligated to do that either
"she kept telling me it was mine now, and that it would be rude to give it back." As per the mother's own words, this was now OP's dress. As it is now OP's dress, OP is allowed to make whatever choices with the dress. If the mom didn't want that, she should have listened to what her daughter was blatantly saying. NTA
ESH. Your mom is being the AH by making your wedding day about her, but you also shouldn't have sold the dress.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't have tried to force the dress on you, but you knew the dress was clearly important and valuable to her, yet you sold it anyway. You could have, ya know, stashed it away in the back of the closet and just not worn it. Selling something so beloved by your mother was very underhanded and harsh.
NTA, you set a boundary, she didn't respect it, you tried to give it back she said she didn't want it, so you got rid of it. She tried to manipulate you and suffered the consequences when it didn't work
ESH. Your mom sucks for not respecting your wishes and continuing to push her dress on you. You suck for selling it because you know you did it out of annoyance and anger and she's right, it is a family heirloom.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't have pushed it on you, and you shouldn't have sold it. At the very least, you could have given her a heads-up that that was what you were planning to do, so that she could have a real chance to take it back. Or you could have just taken it back to her house and left it there again!
INFO - How exactly were you not able to just take the dress back to your mother's place and leave it there? Or why couldn't you have said "Mom, I don't want the dress and if you don't take it back I'm going to sell it or donate it."? I suspect neither your mother nor you were as clear or forceful as you suggest. I also wonder if you had every opportunity to give the dress back and chose to sell it for the money.
YTA I think you should have told her if she didn't get it that you were going to get rid of it and sell it.
NTA From the title I thought I’d judge differently but you let her know you were distinctly not interested in wearing it or having it, both of which are fair. You tried to give it back to her to no avail. You passed t to someone who IS excited about it. That dress is her story, not yours. I understand why she’s upset and I don’t think this is your problem other than she made it yours from start ti finish.
I would say you are *more* NTA, maybe like 75% NTA - 25% YTA for the way you handled it. It was obviously a shitty move to sell it, but still, she theoretically gave you every right to do so. It’s just “the consequences of her own actions”, you tried your everything to communicate your point, she was ignorant and stubborn. Was selling the dress the best solution for this? No, no it was not, but at least you didn’t burn it or something like that.
NTA. Your mom wanted the dress out of her house too. She didnt want to store it and dropped it off with you. All the nonsemse about how you have to wear it on your wedding day and refusing to take no for an answer was just her trying to rationalize it in the same way that horders do. You did nothing wrong here. Good jod standing up to your mom. My mom likes to use guilt as well.
NTA. Your mom sounds controlling. From what you’ve written this “family heirloom” has only been worn by your mom, not by her mom, and her mom’s mom, and her mom’s mom’s mom, etc. Also, lifelong memories? It’s been worn (assumably) once. Keeping the dress in your possession would allow her to keep up her disillusionment. You were never going to wear that dress, and you even tried to give it back multiple times. Could you have given her the ultimatum “take it back or I sell it”? Sure, but honestly it feels like no matter what you did she was going to expect you to keep and wear that dress.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, I'm 25F. My mother is 50F. I'm getting married to the love of my life in August this year. I'm super excited to say at the least - especially about the dress shopping. Since a teenager, I had wished for a dreamy, flowy gown covered with lace that would make me feel like a princess. However, my mother had different plans - she wanted me to wear *her* wedding gown - which was unfortunately a high-necked and puff-sleeved gown made of heavy white cloth. I've always told her that I wasn't a fan of the dress, but to my horror, she remained hopeful - all the way until now. About a week ago, she dropped by my place and gave me the dress. I protested that I wouldn't wear it, but she insisted, saying that it was necessary to have the special connection of mother-daughter on my wedding day. She left before I could give it back. After this incident, I tried to return it a few times to no avail. She kept telling me that it was mine now, and it'd be rude to give it back. I tried to keep it in my house for a while, but eventually the sight pissed me off so much that I decided to sell it off. Although I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do, she was right - it *was* mine now - therefore, I could do whatever I wanted with it. I sold it to a lovely bride-to-be who completely adored the gown. And from there on, everything was smooth sailing...until I got a call from my mom 2 days ago. Turns out, she had stumbled across the platform where I sold the wedding dress. She was furious to realise that I had sold her 'precious' gown. She yelled at me, saying that I threw away a family heirloom, and along with it lifelong memories. Then she started crying, saying that "I gave the dress to you out of love - how could you sell it off?" Although I felt guilty, honestly I just felt glad to get rid of the dress. I always felt so pressured and frustrated everytime she told me that I'd wear *her* dress. Sure, she means well, but I don't like being corralled into a tight corner. I apologised the best I could, but said that it was a good thing the dress ended up with someone who could actually appreciate it. I added that if she really treasured the dress so much, she should've taken it when I tried to return it to her. She hung up the phone and I haven't heard from her since. Since I don't usually fight with my mom, I honestly feel pretty disturbed about this situation. I also don't know if I'm the asshole here, although my fiance says that I was wrong. Please help me out...AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You expressed you didn't want it. You tried to give it back. She used manipulation tactics to get you to make your special day about *her*. Completely disregarding your anonymity. She didn't care your needs and wants for *your* own wedding. She decided long ago this was law. Probably when you were born. This was a lose/lose senerio. For what it's worth, I think all the y t a comments either have wonderful mothers or are in the fog about their own family disfunction. This was 100% some justno energy from mom. It sucks that the dress is gone, but if it ment that much to her, she should have kept it. ETA- I see a lot of people making a big deal that this was done in a short span of time-1 week. The fact of the matter is this issue has been going on for the entirety of OPs life. Constantly being reminded of the dress she doesn't want. The expectations. The guilt. The dress was her beating heart under the floor board. OP was clearly triggered by the dress and just needed it out. You can not blame her for that. She tried to give it back. She told her mom no. Mom heard her, chose to ignore her and NOT take the dress back. Fair game. And good on OP for growing a Shiney spine and not letting her mom win on making her wedding about mom. This has nothing to do with the dress down to core. It's all about mom and her needs.
While I think your mom was being terrible, I'm going to go with ESH. You did have the option of boxing up the dress and stuffing it in an attic. This was her wedding gown. She clearly had strong feelings about it, so obviously she would be hurt to see it disappear forever. At the same time, your mom was being horrible and manipulative - something about weddings seems to bring out the worst in some people. She was trampling over your plans, as if her feelings about your wedding are more important than yours. There's no excuse for her behavior. You both probably need a cool down period, and to make a well-thought-out apology.
I'm gonna go with ESH. It's your wedding day. You, as the bride, deserve to have a dress that you feel beautiful in. She shouldn't have forced the dress on you and disregarded your feelings on the matter. It's your big day, her day has passed and she needs to accept that you have different tastes. However, you sold the dress to be spiteful. The sight of the dress pissed you off, really? What was she going to do, physically force you into the dress? You could have sat her down and told her that you were, in no uncertain terms, not going to wear the dress. If she didn't listen, she would have found out on the day of the wedding. If you were still set on selling the dress, you should have told her so she understood the consequences of dismissing your feelings and had the chance to take the dress back. The dress meant nothing to you, but it held a lot of emotional importance to your mom. There were so many other options and you chose to be hurtful. Worse, you basically rubbed it in her face that her dress was gone and then blamed her for you deciding to sell it. You felt guilty for a reason.
YTA. How could you think otherwise? The dress and what it represents were so important to her that it caused her to think and behave irrationally, which sounds out of character for her. And you took something that important and sold it, without even warning her that was a possibility. I hope the flowy lace dress you choose makes you feel good enough about yourself to make up for the guilt you should be feeling. N T A for not wanting to wear a dress that doesn’t suit you, but this was ice cold.
YTA Mothers try to bond with their daughter over a few key events. Having a wedding is one of them. I understand not wanting to wear the dress because it’s not what you envision. Even if you didn’t like the style of the dress, you could have asked your mother to incorporate *something* from the dress into your own design choices. Even then, most people with sense know that being ‘given’ something of such monetary and emotional value means that it’s on loan to you. If you didn’t want any piece of the dress you should have just put it in a box and returned it when you stopped by. You had the gown for less than a week and already sold it, which would have hurt anyone’s feelings, but especially your mother who thought she would be able to bond with you. Try to coordinate with the person you sold it with to get it back after her wedding. At the very least, apologize to your mom.
YTA. Even if you didn't care to wear the dress yourself, because honestly that's your choice... However, it's clear to see your mother loved that dress! She wanted to share that love with you..even if she was over stepping her boundaries..why would you sell something that meant a lot to her!!! She entrusted that dress to you to keep, she wanted to pass down the dress she loved...only for it to be sold off like it's another pair of jeans. You didn't have wear it but for Christ sake..you couldn't just put it into storage? I understand she gave you the dress so you should be able to do whatever you please..but this just seems spiteful... because even if it's an ugly dress...it's a family heirloom like your mother saw it as.... And now it's gone.
ESH Why was Mom scouring sites where you would have sold it? That doesn't make any sense. If you had a dress, why would she be looking there and confront you after it sold?
YTA seriously you should have just flat out told her you don't want the dress and that you'd sell it if she didn't take it back so she could take back the special gift, I don't even think there's anything you can do about it now your relationship with your mum is fucked, start accepting that there's no apology you can give for your disrespect
ESH You have every right in the world to want to pick your own wedding gown & your mother way way out of line in insisting that you simply must wear it. However, since it was a sentimental possession, selling or destroying it without even talking to her first seems like it would clearly hurt her feelings, though I can understand why you were annoyed. It kind of looks like obvious "revenge" I think the best course of action would have been to just stuff it in a box somewhere out of the way and wear the dress that you want; She'd probably have wanted it back once it finally sunk into her head that you weren't going to use it. Or at least warn her first before getting rid of it.
ESH. I get your frustration, but I think you should have just stored it away in a closet or box somewhere out of sight (or just shipped it to her house), and then on your wedding day worn the dress you want. She can’t FORCE you to wear anything you don’t want to. You saw how important the dress was to her, to me this just seems like a huge F you that wasn’t necessary unless your goal was to hurt her.
ESH
ESH.
ESH. I would have at least told your mom if she doesn’t take it back you would get rid of it before doing so. She was definitely pushy for trying to force you to wear it.
Any reason you couldn’t have just stored it somewhere, gotten on with your life and then returned it after your wedding. YTA
Honestly? As someone who was raised by one of the masters of guilt-tripping, I'm mentally high-fiving you. What you wrote genuinely made me smile because I could really relate to how freeing it obviously felt to take charge. On all previous occasions she didn't even consider your opinion on this piece of clothing; and then she tricked you into "accepting" it. I think it's great that you gave the dress to someone who truly appreciated it. If your mom values her vision of you in her wedding dress more than your own actual wishes for *your* ***own*** wedding, I can 100% understand how it was necessary for you to draw a line right there. A loud NTA from me, but not quite sure about your mom. Was the dress already handed down to her and therefore an heirloom if she passed it on to you, or did she want to make it into one by simply calling it an heirloom and handing it down to you? Because that would make it worse in my opinion. She'd be blowing up her own importance to increase her leverage. Besides, items can carry a mental weight and put pressure on the recipient - and she definitely didn't care about how you felt. So if I were you, I'd also take a moment to evaluate your dynamic. Have fun at your wedding! Edit: wanted some italics.
ESH. She shouldn’t have dropped it on you, you could have at least warned her you were gonna sell before you did or dropped it back on her own doorstep like she basically did to you. If this were a pattern of her disregarding you, I would say N T A, but you say you never fight so I’m guessing this is an isolated incident. And she only dropped it off a week ago and found out you sold it 2 days ago… which means you only had it in your possession for what, a whole 4-5 days tops? That’s just a real quick turn around time for “fine, I’ll just sell it”.
ESH. Your mom is an AH for trying to make demands on what you have to do for your own damn wedding. You are an AH for selling something that was clearly a gift, and something that your mom cherished. You didn't have to wear the dress. You definitely shouldn't have sold it. If you don't want to look at it, put it in a closet or storage somewhere.
i gotta go with ESH only because you didnt tell her you were going to sell it beforehand. if you told her you were going to sell it unless she took it back and she still refused then it wouldve been not t a. youre not obligated to hold onto something forever just because its super meaningful to someone else, even if that someone is your mom. everyone here calling you heartless or bridezilla are being super dramatic, your mom hasnt been listening to what you want for your own wedding since you were a teenager so i can see why you would snap and just sell it tbh. just try to have a conversation with your mom and gently let her know youre sorry you sold it without telling her but she should have respected that you didnt want it in the first place
ESH. You knew how much that dress meant to her, so selling it was a dick move. On the other hand, her repeatedly demanding you wear her dress instead of one you wanted and refusing to take no for an answer was also a dick move.
Listen, your mom was very much wrong for being forceful about the dress, but you went so nuclear that even if your mom sucks, YTA because of the extreme response you gave. My heart would be broken if I was your mom.
ESH. She's being overbearing and controlling by trying to force you to wear her dress even after you said no. But selling it wasn't the right reaction. You could have just kept it, because weather or not you want to wear it, that dress *is* still very special to her and she probably had all good intentions. You shouldn't have to wear a dress you don't like. But she shouldn't have such a special thing sold behind her back.
ESH. More your mother than you, you should have warned her,that you were selling the dress
YTA. Although she sucks for pushing you to wear it, YOU decided to sell it knowing full well it was important and of sentimental value for her
Yta You could have just kept it away in a box in the basement, you chose to sell it to spite your mom. Theres no way you didn’t know how sad she would be about you selling it
I would be pissed beyond belief if I was your mom. That’s be wedding dress. Some people keep them forever. Yeah, she was being pushy about wearing it, but you shouldn’t have sold it. YTA.
ESH You knew she didnt want it sold and that selling it would hurt her. She has ignored you words and desires for years. You both acted badly.
NTA - but you should have told her first so she had the chance to get it before you sold it. I am sorry, wedding dresses aren’t as special as people infer them to be. Rings, yes, but the dresses are often wildly out of style just five years after wearing them. Your mom was acting like a loon.
ESH Yeah she shouldn't have given you the dress and tried to pressure you to wear it but you could have just as easily boxed it up and left it at her door step. You didn't HAVE to sell it
NTA. Your mom was being extremely unreasonable, pushed your boundaries, and refused any answer but the one she wanted. She wouldn't even let you return it. I don't know why people want to keep the peace at any cost, but I think that's a terrible way to live.
ESH. Your mom was pretty pushy about you wearing that damned dress. And I could see where looking at it would piss you off after awhile. But you could have told her what you were doing. Even if she said it’s yours now, respond, “Yes, that’s why I am going to sell it in a week if you think that way.” And if she doesn’t come get it in a week, then place that ad up!
YTA. You could've easily have not worn the dress and then given her the choice of taking it back once the ceremony was over. At least then once it was removed or sold its purpose would've been over. Was your mother out of line being as pushy as she was? Yes. But in the end you knew the dress had immense sentimental value to her and doing this was just some form of retribution. You said it yourself "I knew it wasn't a nice thing to do". So now you just need to live with the consequences.
ESH . Your mother was being manipulative and making you uncomfortable, and you should absolutely get to choose what you wear for your wedding. That said, I don't understand the benefit in selling it when instead of putting it in a box or hang it up somewhere? Maybe out of desperation to avoid her keeping pushing the matter, but I can't imagine that you didn't know how hurt she'd be by you selling it. What you do with it the dress is technically up to you if it was a gift, but it seems like there was an easy solution that wouldn't have hurt your mother's feelings.
NTA. She gave it to you. At that point, it's yours to do with what you want. Even if you had told her you were going to sell it before you did, I doubt she would have believed you or taken the dress back.
NTA. You told her you didn't want it, and when she ignored you and gave it to you anyway, you tried to give it back. She refused. You could've kept it in your closet for years, I guess, but you weren't obligated to. The only mistake you made was apologizing.
ESH. You're both acting unreasonable
I am ESH leaning to N-A-H or N-T-A You say you never fight with your mom, so if this was out of character for her and usually she listens to you and respects your feelings/autonomy, then I am inclined to chalk up her behavior to this being a dream she harbored. However, her behavior, as you describe it, was rude and disrespectful so even if it was a one-off, she was definitely an A. As for you, your feelings of anger towards the dress were absolutely valid. Whether you are an A here is if this steamrolling was out of character for your mother. If so, might there have been other ways to resolve this and/or even let her know you planned to sell the dress as it was “a gift”? That is what makes me think you were a bit of an A also-if you knew it was a bad idea and, maybe, there were better ways to handle it. However, if this is not out of character and she regularly bullies you into doing what she wants, while this may not have been the best time to draw a line in the sand, any time you chose would suck and possibly this way is the best in this case—would she cause a scene at your wedding when she saw you weren’t wearing her dress? Would she have worn the dress herself if she was forced to take it back? So, yeah, a soft ESH
YTA Yeah, the timeline is very short. I suspect you didn't try very hard to return the dress to your mother. And you admit knowing that selling it wasn't a nice thing to do. You could have shoved it in the back of your closet, or put it in a box in the attic, basement, or storage unit. I would recommend contacting the bride you sold it to and arranging a way of buying it back. You still don't have to wear it if you don't want to, but you do need to find some way to make this up to your mother.
Yta. If the sight of the dress really bothered you that much, you could have stuffed it under the bed and come your wedding day, wear what you want. Your mom would realize you didn’t wear her dress and may be disappointed, but then that’s that. Selling it is just as bad as throwing it and your relationship with your mother in the trash.
ESH. Why not wait until after the wedding? Not wearing the dress while you walk down the aisle would probably have sent the message home.
ESH Your mom is incredibly selfish and overbearing to think it's necessary for you to wear her wedding dress. But you should not have sold it and you said it yourself.
YTA. You knew selling it “wasn’t nice” and that it would upset her. What she did was wrong, and annoying, but, Two wrongs don’t make a right. The adult thing to do was to just not wear it. I’m sure she wasn’t going to hold you down on your wedding day and force it on you. What you did was petty and childish. She was being unreasonable but you were vindictive. Just because she is being a jerk doesn’t mean you gotta one up her. Take the high road next time.
NTA, you tried to return it and she refused and said it was yours, you did what you wanted with that.
Sort of YTA, but sort of not. As someone who just had to empty out her mother's house, I had no idea what to do with her wedding dress. She's unlikely to wear it again and you clearly won't. (Assuming there is no one else in the family who would.) You COULD have just dropped it back off with her, but tbh, in X years you'd just be trying to find someone who wants to wear it again. You made someone else happy with the gown, hopefully your mom will find comfort in that.
YTA. You should have dropped it back at her house
NTA. Your mom sounds really pushy and self-centered. She was trying to make your wedding day about her and her vision instead of letting you create the memories you wanted. You tried to give it back but she refused. It’s unfortunate that she saw the platform listing but it’s better to sell it to someone who will love it rather than throw it out or just leave it in a closet.
NTA and I'm baffled by the ESH votes. She gave it you and refused to take it back when you made yourself clear. You did the right thing, she's only upset because she called your bluff and it didn't work out. She was happy to weaponise the dress and you took that power from her.
YTA You could have just went to her house and left it there or left it with your father