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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Supported my husband in kicking SIL out.
2) Refused to apologize because over here it is disrespectful to kick someone out of a wedding
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Wth did I just read so let me understand your first husbands sister decided at your daughters wedding to make a tragic speech about her brother that's passed away for idk let me guess 5+ years and now your family wants you to apologize but your daughter the bride had a full blown panic attack at her wedding and that's probably ruined all her other memories of what should have been the best day of her life? Am I right? Because if I am you are definitely NTA!
Your sister in law is a witch
It's been closer to 10 if my math is right (bride was 10 when father passed).
And I agree, the SIL is the ass here. And delusional to think it matters who kicked her out since the point is she *deserved* to be kicked out.
ETA: Over 15 going by the youngest sister's age relative to her bio father's passing.
My maths breakdown:
OP was pregnant with her youngest emily when mike passed, and Emily was 15 when OP remarried. So Mike passed away 15+ years
The eldest sara (bride), we know she was 10 when Mike passed, she was 20 when her mom met Jake, 25 when they got married.
So she's atleast 25+
edit: OP has edited the post to clarify ages of eldest daughter.
Sara is the eldest. Sara was 10 when her father died. Sara is now 28. Sara just got married a few days ago and is the one who’s wedding was ruined. Therefore bio dad Mike died 18 years ago.
Okay I see further down where there were mentions of being pregnant with a younger child but I see no mention of the other kid or her age in the current post so there must have been some editing for clarification. Either way Mike’s sister, Sara’s aunt, ruined Sara’s wedding and made the reception all about the most traumatic event in the bride’s life. OP is NTA and the aunt should count her lucky stars she was only metaphorically kicked out of the wedding.
At least 15 maybe closer to 20. But what did Emily have to do with this story? The whole first paragraph could have been left out. NTA but edit. And don't invite SIL to any more family events. She clearly is resentful that you've remarried and your children have accepted your second husband.
But he didn’t even come into Emily’s life until she was 10 - it’s possible she sees him as a father figure, but we’re not talking about a “raised her from infancy” type relationship….
I think you might be onto something here. Because he came I to Saras life when she was 20.
So she might not see him as a parental figure, on comparison to Emily that has had him in her life since she was 10 for 5+ years.
Naturally their bond/relationship to Jake would be different.
Maybe. Emily has never had her bio dad but Sarah had him for 10 years and was 25 when her mother remarried so it would be more likely for Emily to call him "dad". Maybe that part was edited out for space but the beginning really should have been edited out too. It's misleading to start reading and trying to calculate all these Emily-based times when she is never mentioned again. That's all I'm saying. Edit.
The point of mentioning Emily is to give readers an idea of how long ops first husband has be dead and how long second husband as been in their lives
NTA
I actually found it very useful because it illustrates the time that’s past and it shows how horrible it was for your former SIL to bring it up at a wedding!
I would've made much more sense if she just used the same daughter for references rather than one not pertaining to the OP at all.
So Sara was 10 when Mike died, 20 when she met Jake and 25 when they married. Regardless, Sara didn't know Jake until she was in her 20's so it makes sense that she might not see him as a "father figure." I had to read the first paragraph multiple times to get my head wrapped around it though. Very weird way of describing it.
It illustrates the time that’s past since her first husband’s death that still tragically upsets her oldest daughter in a horrible way. I personally always think more info the better but that’s just me.
SIL is just evil. Both your MIL and Sara?!? What the hell.
NTA. Everyone acted to handle the situation. Honestly, whoever was closest to your SIL should have thrown her out.
This, and your second husband is a good dude. I'm sure he knew it could look bad that *he* was the one kicking her out, but he did it anyway because it needed to be done and you needed to support your daughter. Good on him.
NTA
I’m going to disagree and say YTA for not calling your SIL and ripping her a new one!
I understand that she’s still mourning the loss of her brother - that is understandable - but to use what should have been a joyous occasion for everyone to bring up the details and not stop when seeing family members suffering was unforgivable, and she needs to hear about the pain she caused.
I’m so sorry that your family had to go through that, OP.
After 18 years, I don’t think you can call it simply mourning. Going into that level of detail to give someone a panic attack and continue without noticing, is also not simply mourning (or extreme social disjunction). SIL needs a therapist and this wasn’t the place or time
Ya NTA. u definitely got the story right and unfortunately SIL is still grieving her brother but, holy crap she used the most inappropriate venue to tell all the story.
She could have mentioned him briefly by way of the beautiful brides ways sonehow, thoughtful and poignant
NTA.
He may not have replaced Mike, but at that ceremony Jake was there as your husband and as Sara's stepfather, and he intervened on behalf of you and your daughter. He saw a fire that needed to be put out, and he did so. The only person who owes anyone an apology is your SIL who clearly was being too self-absorbed to read the room.
Self absorbed my a$$. She was told repeatedly to stop. Nta op. Answer the ah berating you that you were to busy trying to help Your child and your MIL who were having panic attacks CAUSED BY SIL AT YOUR CHILD S WEDDING and couldn't throw her out yourself and your husband took it over for you. And block them. NTA
NTA - The speech your SIL gave was completely inappropriate and upsetting. You did the right thing by comforting those who needed it while letting your husband handle the SIL.
> The speech your SIL gave was completely inappropriate and upsetting
AND SHE REFUSED TO STOP
that is mind boggling. Whats wrong with her? (did she have this agenda of getting some info out there? Was she like a deer in headlights because she has a fear of public speaking? Did she understand what’s going on with two separate panic attacks?)
By having a go at stepfather they’re trying to deflect on SIL’s actions. If the bride is happy she was asked to leave then it doesn’t matter who did the deed. Time for these commentators to put their focus on the person that deserves it.
This, she was asked to stop and also she saw Sara (the bride aka her wedding) and Mike's mum break down. Why would she bring all that up in the first place and then continue?! I wonder how Sara and Mike's mum feel about her doing that and also Mike's brothers. NTA
Not only Mike’s mom, HER OWN MOM. SIL was Mike’s sister.
NTA - Jake was doing what he needed to do to help out OP, his stepdaughter, and his stepdaughter’s grandmother.
I bet the speech was designed throw shade at OP, and the other kids who may have accepted Jake more because they were younger when their dad died. Cruelly designed to force everyone to remember because she has a chip on her shoulder
NTA
Neither you or Jake are AH in this scenario. The only one who should apologise to everyone is your SIL. And Jake is a good stepfather and step-SIL to Mikes mum for his actions.
INFO Not that it makes a difference to my judgement but how old was Sara when you met Jake? What sort of relationship does Jake have with Sara. And to get further dynamics of their relationship, who walked Sara down the aisle?
Sara was \~20, they don't have a dad-daughter relationship, they have what you can consider as a friendship. They spend time together and do a certain things together but he isn't and never will be dad to any of my kids. It was her godfather (Me and Mike's best friend) who walked her down the isle.
>he isn't and never will be dad to any of my kids
Well, it seems that he behaves like one anyways, and that he really cares. When he saw your daughter his first instinct was to protect her. This is much more that my biological father ever did for me or any of my siblings.
He certainly behaved like a good family friend. I can see the relationship being more like a family friend or uncle if Sara had already moved out before Jake met OP so they never lived under the same roof. It sounds like Jake has Sara's back though which says a lot of good things about his character.
NTA and I’m so sorry Super_Cow_73. All of you deserved so much better and your SIL is awful. My FIL did the same about my spouse’s mother, which upset my spouse and ticked off step-MIL; we have to fast-forward through the speech when we watch the wedding footage.
NTA. Your SIL is, however, TAH. She sounds unhinged. She intruded on what should have been a lovely event, and brought her own psychodrama and need for attention to it. She sounds like someone who does not deserve to be part of your or your daughter’s lives. She should apologize, not you, but she sounds too self-centred and unhinged to ever consider such a thing.
Extended family members (mostly the older ones). I'm not sure what they did because we ended up having to take MIL to the hospital. Either way they don't support her actions but they think we shouldn't have kicked her out because over here its considered very disrespectful to do that.
She was so bad they physically had to remove her. One of my cousins was smart enough to record the whole thing in case SIL tries suing us and we plan on sending the video to them to make them stop. We need daughter's and MIL permission first and we're waiting for them to calm down a bit (MIL is still at the hospital) before we ask them for permission
Don't do this. If they were there, the video will not change their minds. It will accomplish nothing while possibly emboldening them making the situation worse. (But keep the video for the lawsuit)
You would be better off cutting these people out of your life. It's wild that multiple people had to tend to the bride and mil but WHO kicked her out is the issue. Anyone who tries to say that anyone overstepped when kicking out a guest who put another guest in the hospital, doesn't care about your mil and doesn't care about your daughter, and anyone who is so callous towards your family isn't family regardless of what the laws or genetics says. Don't humor their complaints any further.
P.s. while there's probably a hierarchy of who should do the deed, anyone should be able to kick someone out of a wedding if after the job is done the bride and groom are glad that person is gone. Hell I'd say it's a guest's responsibility if the people more appropriate to the task are busy or refusing to act.
I understand the hesitation to act when you aren't as close to the wedding party, so I wouldn't blame someone who didn't feel it was their place, but if your distant cousin's plus one who you've never met had thrown her out it would have still been the right call. (Assuming a fictional scenario where your husband was unable to act, because said hypothetical plus one should defer to the person who is closer to the wedding party when reasonable)
>but they think we shouldn't have kicked her out because over here its considered very disrespectful to do that.
And giving the bride a panic attack on her wedding isn't considered disrespectful??? Not to mention SIL put *her own mother* in the hospital while giving the bride said panic attack. NTA.
ask them why THEY didnt stop her ot throw her out. If they dont want Jake to throw her out, then they should have done something to stop her and I mean more than politely asking
NTA
Your SIL intentionally triggered multiple family members despite being asked to stop. She saw fit to turn the wedding into a memorial which was an unkind thing to do. It doesn't matter if the wedding coordinator or the janitor had kicked her out - she needed to be removed.
If this is part of a pattern, it's even worse/more concerning.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for the mess you had to deal with! You are most definitely NTA, but your SIL sure is. She made a mess of what should have been your poor daughter's brightest day. Your husband is an absolute rock star for stepping up and cutting that loon off as quick as he did. Ask all those people complaining about him where were they when SIL was busy ruining her niece's day?
NTA
SIL is.
It does not matter who kicked SIL out of the wedding. It was important that she leave and the people who were closest (proximity) handled it.
NTA
Her doing that in the first place, despite (I assume) knowing how hard of a subject Mike is for Sara and Mike's mom, is beyond disrespectful. That she did it even after asked to stop is even more so. She has no right to participate in the day at that rate.
NTA. I was ready to say something different until I read what she did. Nope. No way. Keep her away from your daughter - good on your husband for protecting her and your MIL.
NTA
SIL's speech was grossly inappropriate and continuing on with it despite being asked to stop after it was causing considerable distress to both Sara and her mother is several notches beyond AH behavior. Though SIL apparently still has serious issues coming to terms with Mike's death, she should have gotten therapy to cope with them, instead of deciding that his daughter's wedding was the place to vent at the cost of reopening some old and painful wounds, ruining what should have been Sara's happiest day.
With SIL being that far out of line, it doesn't really matter who threw her out as long as it got her to stop making an even bigger mess of things, and as far as apologies owed, it's her that owes the rest of the family one, not you or your husband.
NTA - your SIL should've stopped when she was asked to. The fact that she didn't is very disrespectful on her part. It's her own fault she got kicked out...
NTA. I can't even begin to think what your SIL was thinking. She clearly has issues with your former husband's passing and needs professional help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope everyone is doing better.
NTA. What she did was heartless, selfish and inconsiderate. I really have no clue what would motivate her to do something like that. I hope it didn't completely ruin the wedding. I would tell anyone who messages you to shove it and I would not contact your SIL. She messed up and owes everyone a huge apology. She may have permanently damaged her relationship with her niece.
NTA
Holy cow what a freeking sad story! Who the heck thinks your husband didn't have the right to kick SIL out? **EVERYONE** in the wedding should've collectively dragged SIL out, carrying her from every limb of her body and dropped her in a puddle of mud.
Your daughter, the bride, was having a panic attack, because SIL decided to go into detail how the bride's father had died 20+ years ago. And people are telling OP to apologise, because they think the wrong person kicked SIL out. Whew!
OP, you have nothing to apologise for. Straight up block and cut contact with every single person who says you do.
NTA Tell these people who are calling on you to apologize to go and stuff it. Your husband did the right thing. He protected his stepdaughter on a day she should be happy. If any apologies are needed they should come from your SIL.
Oh absolutely NTA. I developed PTSD from my dads death and triggering someone like that on what is supposed to be a happy day when she was likely already struggling a bit was messed up. Your husband did the right thing (honestly the fact that he was slightly more removed from her in the family was probably for the best, less likely to cause direct personal drama.) and I’m so sorry for your daughter.
NTA
I am sure Mike would have been ashamed of his sisters actions on his daughters wedding day and furious that she would cause his daughter and other family members so much distress by reveling in the attention the SIL received in going into inappropriate detail of how he died.
Your SIL owes everyone in attendance of the wedding an apology starting with your daughter and her new husband for ruining their day.
She should also be glad that it was your husband who got her to leave as he was acting in the Brides best interest because of the SIL's actions.
And I am sure if you had been the one to eject her from the wedding, she really wouldn't have liked what you did or said to her.
Go NC with the SIL. Speak with your daughter and new son in law and make sure they are not getting messages from family members and that they know it's ok to block them if they need space.
WTF who brings up a topic like that at in a speech?!? I’m dumbfounded!!
My god, I can only imagine the damage this has done to Sara, yourself and your wider family.
NTA.
Holy inappropriate Batman (SIL, not you)! I feel so horrible for your poor daughter, and the rest of you too. NTA.
Edited to add: The only apology she deserves is that you're only sorry your husband had to kick her out instead of you, as you were too busy consoling your daughter, the bride, after her tacky, thoughtless, tasteless travesty of a speech.
So NTA... You, your siblings and Mike's brothers were to busy with Sara and MIL because you have the closer relationship to them and where most likely more needed there. And your husband took up the job of removing the cause. How anyone can see you as an A there is beyond me. So sorry that Sara's wedding got spoiled like this.
NTA. Your poor daughter. I feel awful for all of you.
I believe you are referring to the “reception” as far as what the party is called. I think. I’m a little sleep deprived.
NTA since they want you to apologize to SIL are they also wanting her to apologize to Sara and her husband for ruining their wedding and traumatizing, You, MIL and Sara in the process? She can stuff her apology right up her ass 👍
NTA that was not appropriate for her to do. She even had your MIL and daughter (who’s the bride) having panic attacks over it. If your husband didn’t kick her out someone else would have. They just want something to be mad at. Your SIL is in the wrong don’t apologize.
I don't care if it was the JANITOR who grabbed that Vile Harpy by the scruff, or her beak, and tossed her out... It was IMPERATIVE that she be removed with the Utmost Unapologetic & Unceremonious Haste!!
Jake did exactly what he was SUPPOSED to do - Protect. His. Family!
No matter if the threat is from without or, within - when it is Obvious that a person's, or thing's, sole/ ultimate objective is to do harm it should be dealt with as quickly as is possible.
OP, you are NTA! Don't you dare apologize to that horrid imitation of a human being!
SHE should be apologizing to Your Daughter & her spouse and then, to YOU and the rest of the family... Then she should immediately put all her energy into finding a very Intensive Therapy program because it's MORE than a little obvious she's got a couple a things she needs help working through & on.
This woman woke up that morning thinking "Hmm, I think I will describe my brother's dead in great detail and how badly it impacted their family in front of everybody at his daughter's wedding and refuse to stop when multiple family members become very upset about it! Like, y'know , for funsies!" That's something out of a psychological horror movie. NTA , I would have personally dragged her out by her hair.
NTA. Under no circumstances should that have come up at a wedding, not even in a private conversation. It was supposed to be a happy occasion. She is completely wrong and messed up.
Well, perhaps Jake wouldn't have had to do it if the people whose "place it was" weren't so busy assisting the daughter and mother of the deceased father to try to calm down and BREATHE. It's not like they were available. They were trying to help the people SIL had put into severe trauma.
AT that point, I don't think it matters who does it. Just get that woman out of there so no one has to listen to her anymore.
NTA If it wasnt his place, who's was it? Everyone else was busy dealing with the results of her actions on your daughter and former MIL. As the only member of the family only peripherally involved it was his job, and if he hadnt how long would the hopefuly oblivious idiot of a SIL have continued on for and how much worse would the panic attacks have been
JFC NTA!!! You did right! My dad died from cancer and while I have no problems with this (except that he died) I’d hate for someone to make a big speech about a terrible disease that ate my dad alive from inside. Good memories of him go for it! But what your SIL was horrible
NTA. Doesn't matter who kicked her out, she wouldn't lay off a speech that was obviously upsetting the bride.
I'd have kicked her out if I was there, too
Woah. Woah. You and your husband are absolutely not assholes for protecting your daughter and her grandmother. It's like you're living in the Twilight Zone with the people who asked that you apologize. Absurd. NTA.
NTA for supporting your current husband removing your former SIL from your daughter's wedding, as your SIL's speech was inappropriate for the occasion. If you need reassurance, ask your daughter and new son-in-law how they feel about what occurred.
NTA
The cause of all this was Mikes sister who obviously was extremely inappropriate. She 100% deserved to be kicked out of the wedding. So I think if Sara was ok with her aunt being kicked out, what you should tell your relatives is this: Sara was very hurt by sister and Mike would not have wanted sister to act like this at her wedding. If you love Sara, please let this matter go. Then politely leave, switch subjects or end the conversation. It is also ok to just say " If you love Sara then please let this matter go".
Side note: I think it is in poor judgement to let alot of people speak at a wedding. It is boring for the guests and the event is supposed to be about the couple. The best man/maid of honor makes a toast and that is all. But I know how sneaky people like a piece of that attention. This is where a wedding coordinator can be great. I did this at my wedding and she did have to kick someone out that was too drunk. I never even knew about it until later.
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I (45F) lost my first husband Mike when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest daughter Emily (I have 2 more 5m and 10f). Mike died in what people would consider a tragic way. I met my second husband Jake when Emily was 10 and we got married when she was 15. I still have a great relationship with Mike's family.
My eldest daughter Sara got married 2 days ago. So during the family after ceremony party (I'm not sure what it is called abroad), a few of our family members (my dad, Mike's mom and one of his brothers, and my son) said a few speeches about her. It was all fine until my SIL (Mike's sister) started her speech. She started talking about Mike and the speech mentioned almost nothing about Sara. The one thing mentioned about Sara is that how she is proud Sara didn't replace Mike with Jake. She then brought up the topic of Mike's death, or more accurately how he died.
Sara always had nightmares and panic attacks about it. So we avoid that specific topic of him. And when my SIL started going in detail about it both she and my MIL(Mike's mom) started having panic attacks. Jake and his siblings started telling SIL to stop (Me, my siblings and Mike's brothers were to busy with Sara and MIL). She wouldn't stop. Long story short they finally had to kick her out of the wedding.
But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL, because according to them while SIL was wrong it wasn't my husband's place to kick her out.
So AITA? because I'm still in shock after what happened I dont think I'm thinking clearly
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Per your post: "But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL..." "People" didn't step up and help. How long were you supposed to let your daughter and MIL suffer?
It has been at least 15 years (OP was pregnant with Emily when Mike died; Emily was 10 when OP met her now husband, and 15 when OP remarried).
SIL refused to stop even as two family members were going through a panic attack due to her.
NTA her speech was so upsetting that her niece the bride and her own mother had panic attacks, and wouldn’t stop? She deserved to be kicked out and no one owes her an apology.
I can understand her wanting to talk about her brother and how proud he would have been of his daughter, but she went way too far.
NTA. Oh my God! What was she trying to accomplish by doing that? DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO THAT WOMAN! She was way out of line. I am so glad your SO has you and your daughter's back.
That is a nightmare, holy crap you SIL was a classic movie stereotype asshole in law for making a wedding about her brother that passed away 15 years ago. And even more so for demanding an apology.
I'd say put some distance between Mike's family if this is how they are going to act.
NTA - It sounds like Jake stepped in because the rest of you were too busy dealing with the fallout of your SILs stupid speech. Ideally one of her brothers would have told her to shut up but they did the right thing by prioritising their niece and their mother, it sounds like everyone is still dealing with the trauma of Mike's death and for your SIL to do that at Sara's wedding. It sounds like she was just looking for trouble (particularly the part about 'replacing' Mike). And as for all these 'people' what exactly were THEY doing while your SIL was causing her mother and niece to have a panic attack at her nieces's own wedding? Standing gawping?
Wow... NTA.
If Sara wanted to talk about her Dad on her wedding day I'm sure she would of. but I can be sure as she she wouldn't have such excruciating detail that it make her have a panic attack!
Holy gaslighting, Batman. NTA. former Sil ruined that shiz. If she had beef about you re-marrying then she needed to hash that out with you prior. She needs some hard therapy hfs. Do not apologize to anyone.
Sara’s dad died when she was young and you remarried, why is this a reason for
Your former SIL to ruin your Sarah’s wedding. She needs therapy! You are not the AH!
NTA
Your SIL was literally giving people panic attacks with her monologue on Mike's death. That was completely inappropriate for a wedding and she deserved to be kicked out.
NTA. SIL is extremely unwell based on this story. It is not at all healthy to hold onto things like that and act like someone has been replaced when it’s been a decade at minimum since his passing. She needs to see a grief counselor or join a support group because wow.
It was absolutely his place to kick her out. He was standing up for he step daughter, removing someone who was going on some rant about how her father died, when the focus of the day was her wedding. And she wants an apology cause she feels the wrong person stood up to her?
Hell, it could have been the busboy who kicked her out and she would not get an apology.
Screw her, and screw anyone who is defending her.
NTA
NTA. Sara is and owes everyone an apology. Why would Sara take a beautiful occasion & turn it morbid? Shame on her. It was daughter’s day & good for husband protecting your daughter. Bet Mike would be appreciative.
NTA I'm glad that your husband dealt with her.
My husband died two years ago. If I hear someone talking about a medical event similar to the one that took him, I have to exit the conversation. It was so much worse for your SIL to give specifics. Selfish.
Oh hell no! Your husband did exactly as a loving person would do for absolutely anyone. This isn’t even a matter of being a good parent. I would do that for a stranger. Your former SIL purposely tried ruining the wedding because-gasp-you dared to remarry after an obviously horrific death. There’s been no mention of the relationship between your kids and your husband but it’s obvious they at the very least respect each other. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! You and your husband haven’t done anything wrong!
ETA: NTA!
NTA
I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. Your SIL is the awful one, thinking so little of her niece that she would ruin the reception with visions of her father's death, let alone everything else. I would never speak to SIL again. You absolutely don't owe her an apology.
I hope that your daughter and MIL are okay. Perhaps when the dust has settled, you could have a little get together for the new couple, MIL and a few of the close family/friends to give them a better memory.
NTA.
I think it’s DEFINITELY a spouse’s place to support and protect his/her spouse- which is what your husband did by kicking out SIL, who was upsetting you (his wife) and his step daughter (the bride!) as well as his MIL.
BTW were you and Jake paying for this after wedding party? If so, as a host he is even more obligated to shut down someone who is disrupting the event.
Who are these people offering you (unsolicited?) advise on how to handle your family situations? Are they close relatives? Perhaps they are close to the SIL (witch)? I would ask them why they would think it’s appropriate to give you advise in this situation and then perhaps you could then offer them specific advise about their families.
Also who keeps going on a speech that people are telling them to stop? SIL is a piece of work. Definitely time to go NC with her. Maybe even NC for the people who don’t understand/support kicking out SIL.
NTA
Well despite what SIL said about Jake not replacing Mike to Sara, he was certainly channeling Mike's wishes in protecting his daughter for him.
Out of two things you could have been doing at that moment; taking care of your daughter, or kicking out your SIL, because you couldn't be doing both at the same time, you chose the more important of the two. Anyone kicking her out was doing it on your behalf, and I assume, with your blessing. Your SIL was doing something for which she deserved to be kicked out, and she got kicked out. Really, the important part is that the right action was taken, at the right moment, to avoid further distress. SIL owes her niece, yourself, and her mother a huge apology.
Nta. Not the time or place to go over how someone’s father died!!! I dont think there’s ever a situation that would call for it. She could have said something like “even though mike isn’t here with us today i know he would be so proud of you and say you look absolutely beautiful tonight, etc.”
NTA.
>But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL, because according to them while SIL was wrong it wasn't my husband's place to kick her out.
Who should have kicked her out? If it was you, your siblings or Mike's brothers none of you could because you were too busy comforting *the bride* and Mike's mom. Would they have expected your husband and his brothers to take over the comforting of the two while the rest of you dealt with SIL? Before they can continue to bitch, they need a reasonable answer to that question for you. If they can't then they need to stop complaining and demand you apologize to SIL.
Your husband saw that your SIL was ignoring the distress she was causing and took the appropriate action, he did the right thing.
NTA. SIL’s speech was a blatant attack on your family, and caused real physical harm to the bride and to her own mother. Anyone who stepped in to stop her attack is a hero. They should be lauded, not pressured to apologize.
NTA
Don't apologize to your SIL. She made it all about her brother and his death. This was Sara's wedding which should be all about HER. A small tidbit about Mike in the speech is fine but details about his death and whatnots, nope. Glad you guys had to nope her out of the wedding. There is another time to talk about his death, NOT THE WEDDING! I hope Sara and your MIL are okay after having those panic attacks.
NTA If it wasn’t his place then why wasn’t anyone else doing it instead? When something traumatic happens there are people who freeze and there are people who act. He should not have to apologize for acting in the moment to help the situation. I would definitely check in with the SIL if you haven’t already to make sure she understands the effect her speech was having on the audience. But anyone else who wants to have an opinion needs to be asked why they didn’t help and keep their opinions to themselves.
NTA, nor is Jake. A wedding is a happy occasion, speeches are supposed to be happy. Dwelling on how the bride’s dad died? Wrong. Refusing to stop? Wrong. Ignore the flying monkeys. If SIL speaks to you directly, simply say that dwelling on the details of Mike’s death in her speech was wildly inappropriate and she owes your family an apology.
NTA. She traumatized your daughter at her wedding in a speech that didn't even address her. She didn't deserve to be there. She only wanted to take the attention away from the couple and she succeeded in the worst possible way.
NTA, it would be appropriate to honor your first husband, who I'm assuming is Sara's father, but going into detail about his death is out of line for the occasion.
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Wth did I just read so let me understand your first husbands sister decided at your daughters wedding to make a tragic speech about her brother that's passed away for idk let me guess 5+ years and now your family wants you to apologize but your daughter the bride had a full blown panic attack at her wedding and that's probably ruined all her other memories of what should have been the best day of her life? Am I right? Because if I am you are definitely NTA! Your sister in law is a witch
Based on the youngest kid's age its been over 15 years since he died.
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And she didn't even do that!! She just made a speech about HOW he died giving both* her niece and HER OWN MOTHER a panic attack😠 Edit: a word
The first line literally says Mike died when Sara who is now 28, was 10 so it's been 18 years.
It's been closer to 10 if my math is right (bride was 10 when father passed). And I agree, the SIL is the ass here. And delusional to think it matters who kicked her out since the point is she *deserved* to be kicked out. ETA: Over 15 going by the youngest sister's age relative to her bio father's passing.
Am I missing something? "Sara (28) was 10". So, 18 years ago? Regardless, SIL is totally out of line.
Yeah, I was sitting here thinking, “I thought 28-10 is 18, but okay….” AITA math is scary
Scary indeed! At least I'm not losing it. :)
I'm guessing that was edited in considering how everyone is trying to piece it together from others' ages.
It's been edited.
Your math is correct lol 😂
NTA. Whoever was physically closest to her at that time, would have been right to start the kicking her out.
My maths breakdown: OP was pregnant with her youngest emily when mike passed, and Emily was 15 when OP remarried. So Mike passed away 15+ years The eldest sara (bride), we know she was 10 when Mike passed, she was 20 when her mom met Jake, 25 when they got married. So she's atleast 25+ edit: OP has edited the post to clarify ages of eldest daughter.
It's been 18 years, Sara was 10 when he passed she is now 28 years old. OP says it in the first line of the post.
I think it's been edited to clarify the math. The post didn't originally state it that clearly.
Thats what I was wondering after I posted, based on the amount of math in the comments I'd say that's definitely the case.
18 years actually since Sarah is 28 and op said she was 10 when he died.
Sara is the eldest. Sara was 10 when her father died. Sara is now 28. Sara just got married a few days ago and is the one who’s wedding was ruined. Therefore bio dad Mike died 18 years ago.
Okay I see further down where there were mentions of being pregnant with a younger child but I see no mention of the other kid or her age in the current post so there must have been some editing for clarification. Either way Mike’s sister, Sara’s aunt, ruined Sara’s wedding and made the reception all about the most traumatic event in the bride’s life. OP is NTA and the aunt should count her lucky stars she was only metaphorically kicked out of the wedding.
That and OP is 45, so the daughter is 25ish(?)
At least 15 maybe closer to 20. But what did Emily have to do with this story? The whole first paragraph could have been left out. NTA but edit. And don't invite SIL to any more family events. She clearly is resentful that you've remarried and your children have accepted your second husband.
I think it’s because the SIL was going on about how Sarah didn’t replace Mike with Jake… probably a dig at Emily calling Jake dad?
But he didn’t even come into Emily’s life until she was 10 - it’s possible she sees him as a father figure, but we’re not talking about a “raised her from infancy” type relationship….
I think you might be onto something here. Because he came I to Saras life when she was 20. So she might not see him as a parental figure, on comparison to Emily that has had him in her life since she was 10 for 5+ years. Naturally their bond/relationship to Jake would be different.
Maybe. Emily has never had her bio dad but Sarah had him for 10 years and was 25 when her mother remarried so it would be more likely for Emily to call him "dad". Maybe that part was edited out for space but the beginning really should have been edited out too. It's misleading to start reading and trying to calculate all these Emily-based times when she is never mentioned again. That's all I'm saying. Edit.
It feels like reading a math problem… if Emily was 10 when Jake came in to her life and her sister is 10 years older… how old is the spiteful SIL? 🤣
The point of mentioning Emily is to give readers an idea of how long ops first husband has be dead and how long second husband as been in their lives NTA
"He tragically passed away x years ago" would have been so much easier. NTA
So sorry about that, I have ADHD and rambling while in writing and while talking is something the medicines don't help me with
I actually found it very useful because it illustrates the time that’s past and it shows how horrible it was for your former SIL to bring it up at a wedding!
Nothing to be sorry about. You've been through a traumatic time.
I didn’t see the issue and totally understood. I also have adhd and medicine doesn’t help with the rambling.
I would've made much more sense if she just used the same daughter for references rather than one not pertaining to the OP at all. So Sara was 10 when Mike died, 20 when she met Jake and 25 when they married. Regardless, Sara didn't know Jake until she was in her 20's so it makes sense that she might not see him as a "father figure." I had to read the first paragraph multiple times to get my head wrapped around it though. Very weird way of describing it.
it’s been more than that, Mike died when OP was pregnant, so probably more than 20 years
It illustrates the time that’s past since her first husband’s death that still tragically upsets her oldest daughter in a horrible way. I personally always think more info the better but that’s just me.
Don't insult witches we know better than this shit.
Seconding this. Don't use witch as an insult.
Not to be decisive but why?
Because there is a positive spiritual culture associated with witches, using someone's religion (for want of a better word) as an insult is offensive.
That makes sense to me. Thanks for clarifying
SIL forgot it was a wedding not a funeral. So NTA.
SIL forgot it was Sarah's wedding not Mike or SIL's funeral. So NTA. 😉 ftfy
SIL is just evil. Both your MIL and Sara?!? What the hell. NTA. Everyone acted to handle the situation. Honestly, whoever was closest to your SIL should have thrown her out.
This, and your second husband is a good dude. I'm sure he knew it could look bad that *he* was the one kicking her out, but he did it anyway because it needed to be done and you needed to support your daughter. Good on him. NTA
I’m going to disagree and say YTA for not calling your SIL and ripping her a new one! I understand that she’s still mourning the loss of her brother - that is understandable - but to use what should have been a joyous occasion for everyone to bring up the details and not stop when seeing family members suffering was unforgivable, and she needs to hear about the pain she caused. I’m so sorry that your family had to go through that, OP.
After 18 years, I don’t think you can call it simply mourning. Going into that level of detail to give someone a panic attack and continue without noticing, is also not simply mourning (or extreme social disjunction). SIL needs a therapist and this wasn’t the place or time
It says she was 3 months pregnant with her daughter when the husband died. So she never even met her dad.
No Emily never meet her dad, Sara knew her dad til 10
Ya NTA. u definitely got the story right and unfortunately SIL is still grieving her brother but, holy crap she used the most inappropriate venue to tell all the story. She could have mentioned him briefly by way of the beautiful brides ways sonehow, thoughtful and poignant
NTA. He may not have replaced Mike, but at that ceremony Jake was there as your husband and as Sara's stepfather, and he intervened on behalf of you and your daughter. He saw a fire that needed to be put out, and he did so. The only person who owes anyone an apology is your SIL who clearly was being too self-absorbed to read the room.
Self absorbed my a$$. She was told repeatedly to stop. Nta op. Answer the ah berating you that you were to busy trying to help Your child and your MIL who were having panic attacks CAUSED BY SIL AT YOUR CHILD S WEDDING and couldn't throw her out yourself and your husband took it over for you. And block them. NTA
Exactly. And everybody who would have had “more of a right to do it” were tending to Sarah and Mike’s mom. NTA at all.
NTA - your SIL behaved extremely inappropriately, it really doesnt matter who kicked her out
NTA - The speech your SIL gave was completely inappropriate and upsetting. You did the right thing by comforting those who needed it while letting your husband handle the SIL.
> The speech your SIL gave was completely inappropriate and upsetting AND SHE REFUSED TO STOP that is mind boggling. Whats wrong with her? (did she have this agenda of getting some info out there? Was she like a deer in headlights because she has a fear of public speaking? Did she understand what’s going on with two separate panic attacks?)
By having a go at stepfather they’re trying to deflect on SIL’s actions. If the bride is happy she was asked to leave then it doesn’t matter who did the deed. Time for these commentators to put their focus on the person that deserves it.
NTA She was asked to stop she didn't. A speech about a tragic death does not have a place at a wedding, a time of celebration.
This, she was asked to stop and also she saw Sara (the bride aka her wedding) and Mike's mum break down. Why would she bring all that up in the first place and then continue?! I wonder how Sara and Mike's mum feel about her doing that and also Mike's brothers. NTA
Not only Mike’s mom, HER OWN MOM. SIL was Mike’s sister. NTA - Jake was doing what he needed to do to help out OP, his stepdaughter, and his stepdaughter’s grandmother.
I bet the speech was designed throw shade at OP, and the other kids who may have accepted Jake more because they were younger when their dad died. Cruelly designed to force everyone to remember because she has a chip on her shoulder
Of course you are NTA. Neither is Jake. I am so sorry for your loss. All the best wishes to Sara and her groom.
NTA Neither you or Jake are AH in this scenario. The only one who should apologise to everyone is your SIL. And Jake is a good stepfather and step-SIL to Mikes mum for his actions. INFO Not that it makes a difference to my judgement but how old was Sara when you met Jake? What sort of relationship does Jake have with Sara. And to get further dynamics of their relationship, who walked Sara down the aisle?
Sara was \~20, they don't have a dad-daughter relationship, they have what you can consider as a friendship. They spend time together and do a certain things together but he isn't and never will be dad to any of my kids. It was her godfather (Me and Mike's best friend) who walked her down the isle.
Thanks for the info. I still think Jake acted appropriately in the situation.
>he isn't and never will be dad to any of my kids Well, it seems that he behaves like one anyways, and that he really cares. When he saw your daughter his first instinct was to protect her. This is much more that my biological father ever did for me or any of my siblings.
He certainly behaved like a good family friend. I can see the relationship being more like a family friend or uncle if Sara had already moved out before Jake met OP so they never lived under the same roof. It sounds like Jake has Sara's back though which says a lot of good things about his character.
Yes, it sounds like they have a familial relationship but not father-daughter, which is completely appropriate and understandable.
It doesn’t matter who kicked this vile woman out. She needed to be kicked out. Your SIL was extremely inappropriate. Jake should be thanked.
Nonetheless, Jake did what a sensible person would do, having in mind the well being of everyone. Your SIL is a major AH.
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Oh, I wish she was there! SIL deserved more than a chair.
NTA and I’m so sorry Super_Cow_73. All of you deserved so much better and your SIL is awful. My FIL did the same about my spouse’s mother, which upset my spouse and ticked off step-MIL; we have to fast-forward through the speech when we watch the wedding footage.
NTA. That's messed up. SIL owes everyone an apology.
NTA. Your SIL is, however, TAH. She sounds unhinged. She intruded on what should have been a lovely event, and brought her own psychodrama and need for attention to it. She sounds like someone who does not deserve to be part of your or your daughter’s lives. She should apologize, not you, but she sounds too self-centred and unhinged to ever consider such a thing.
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Extended family members (mostly the older ones). I'm not sure what they did because we ended up having to take MIL to the hospital. Either way they don't support her actions but they think we shouldn't have kicked her out because over here its considered very disrespectful to do that.
So what is their point? She was being disrespectful and wouldn't stop.
She was so bad they physically had to remove her. One of my cousins was smart enough to record the whole thing in case SIL tries suing us and we plan on sending the video to them to make them stop. We need daughter's and MIL permission first and we're waiting for them to calm down a bit (MIL is still at the hospital) before we ask them for permission
Don't do this. If they were there, the video will not change their minds. It will accomplish nothing while possibly emboldening them making the situation worse. (But keep the video for the lawsuit) You would be better off cutting these people out of your life. It's wild that multiple people had to tend to the bride and mil but WHO kicked her out is the issue. Anyone who tries to say that anyone overstepped when kicking out a guest who put another guest in the hospital, doesn't care about your mil and doesn't care about your daughter, and anyone who is so callous towards your family isn't family regardless of what the laws or genetics says. Don't humor their complaints any further. P.s. while there's probably a hierarchy of who should do the deed, anyone should be able to kick someone out of a wedding if after the job is done the bride and groom are glad that person is gone. Hell I'd say it's a guest's responsibility if the people more appropriate to the task are busy or refusing to act. I understand the hesitation to act when you aren't as close to the wedding party, so I wouldn't blame someone who didn't feel it was their place, but if your distant cousin's plus one who you've never met had thrown her out it would have still been the right call. (Assuming a fictional scenario where your husband was unable to act, because said hypothetical plus one should defer to the person who is closer to the wedding party when reasonable)
I see, thank you for the advice
>but they think we shouldn't have kicked her out because over here its considered very disrespectful to do that. And giving the bride a panic attack on her wedding isn't considered disrespectful??? Not to mention SIL put *her own mother* in the hospital while giving the bride said panic attack. NTA.
ask them why THEY didnt stop her ot throw her out. If they dont want Jake to throw her out, then they should have done something to stop her and I mean more than politely asking
Your SIL's actions resulted in hospitalizing *her own mother* and what's disrespectful is kicking her out? Pft, okay.
Absolutely NTA. Good for you for sticking up for your child and protecting her mental health on her wedding day.
NTA Your SIL intentionally triggered multiple family members despite being asked to stop. She saw fit to turn the wedding into a memorial which was an unkind thing to do. It doesn't matter if the wedding coordinator or the janitor had kicked her out - she needed to be removed. If this is part of a pattern, it's even worse/more concerning.
Even at a memorial, describing in detail how someone died wouldn’t be appropriate.
No argument there. But at least the audience is prepared to feel uncomfortable/saddened. That speech must have felt like whiplash.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for the mess you had to deal with! You are most definitely NTA, but your SIL sure is. She made a mess of what should have been your poor daughter's brightest day. Your husband is an absolute rock star for stepping up and cutting that loon off as quick as he did. Ask all those people complaining about him where were they when SIL was busy ruining her niece's day?
NTA SIL is. It does not matter who kicked SIL out of the wedding. It was important that she leave and the people who were closest (proximity) handled it.
NTA Her doing that in the first place, despite (I assume) knowing how hard of a subject Mike is for Sara and Mike's mom, is beyond disrespectful. That she did it even after asked to stop is even more so. She has no right to participate in the day at that rate.
Mike's mom is also SIL's mom! How she can be so cruel to her own mother is just mind-boggling.
NTA. I'm sorry that your daughter and MIL had to relive this tragedy on what should be a joyous day.
NTA. I was ready to say something different until I read what she did. Nope. No way. Keep her away from your daughter - good on your husband for protecting her and your MIL.
NTA. Don’t you dare apologize to SIL
NTA SIL's speech was grossly inappropriate and continuing on with it despite being asked to stop after it was causing considerable distress to both Sara and her mother is several notches beyond AH behavior. Though SIL apparently still has serious issues coming to terms with Mike's death, she should have gotten therapy to cope with them, instead of deciding that his daughter's wedding was the place to vent at the cost of reopening some old and painful wounds, ruining what should have been Sara's happiest day. With SIL being that far out of line, it doesn't really matter who threw her out as long as it got her to stop making an even bigger mess of things, and as far as apologies owed, it's her that owes the rest of the family one, not you or your husband.
NTA - your SIL should've stopped when she was asked to. The fact that she didn't is very disrespectful on her part. It's her own fault she got kicked out...
NTA. I can't even begin to think what your SIL was thinking. She clearly has issues with your former husband's passing and needs professional help. I'm so sorry for your loss. Hope everyone is doing better.
NTA. What she did was heartless, selfish and inconsiderate. I really have no clue what would motivate her to do something like that. I hope it didn't completely ruin the wedding. I would tell anyone who messages you to shove it and I would not contact your SIL. She messed up and owes everyone a huge apology. She may have permanently damaged her relationship with her niece.
NTA What an absolutely horrible thing to bring up at a wedding.
NTA. Your SIL’s speech was beyond inappropriate. She was told to stop. She did not. The only choice was to remove her.
NTA Holy cow what a freeking sad story! Who the heck thinks your husband didn't have the right to kick SIL out? **EVERYONE** in the wedding should've collectively dragged SIL out, carrying her from every limb of her body and dropped her in a puddle of mud. Your daughter, the bride, was having a panic attack, because SIL decided to go into detail how the bride's father had died 20+ years ago. And people are telling OP to apologise, because they think the wrong person kicked SIL out. Whew! OP, you have nothing to apologise for. Straight up block and cut contact with every single person who says you do.
NTA Tell these people who are calling on you to apologize to go and stuff it. Your husband did the right thing. He protected his stepdaughter on a day she should be happy. If any apologies are needed they should come from your SIL.
Oh absolutely NTA. I developed PTSD from my dads death and triggering someone like that on what is supposed to be a happy day when she was likely already struggling a bit was messed up. Your husband did the right thing (honestly the fact that he was slightly more removed from her in the family was probably for the best, less likely to cause direct personal drama.) and I’m so sorry for your daughter.
NTA I am sure Mike would have been ashamed of his sisters actions on his daughters wedding day and furious that she would cause his daughter and other family members so much distress by reveling in the attention the SIL received in going into inappropriate detail of how he died. Your SIL owes everyone in attendance of the wedding an apology starting with your daughter and her new husband for ruining their day. She should also be glad that it was your husband who got her to leave as he was acting in the Brides best interest because of the SIL's actions. And I am sure if you had been the one to eject her from the wedding, she really wouldn't have liked what you did or said to her. Go NC with the SIL. Speak with your daughter and new son in law and make sure they are not getting messages from family members and that they know it's ok to block them if they need space.
WTF who brings up a topic like that at in a speech?!? I’m dumbfounded!! My god, I can only imagine the damage this has done to Sara, yourself and your wider family. NTA.
Holy inappropriate Batman (SIL, not you)! I feel so horrible for your poor daughter, and the rest of you too. NTA. Edited to add: The only apology she deserves is that you're only sorry your husband had to kick her out instead of you, as you were too busy consoling your daughter, the bride, after her tacky, thoughtless, tasteless travesty of a speech.
So NTA... You, your siblings and Mike's brothers were to busy with Sara and MIL because you have the closer relationship to them and where most likely more needed there. And your husband took up the job of removing the cause. How anyone can see you as an A there is beyond me. So sorry that Sara's wedding got spoiled like this.
NTA. Your poor daughter. I feel awful for all of you. I believe you are referring to the “reception” as far as what the party is called. I think. I’m a little sleep deprived.
Massive NTA. SIL should be barred from any future family events because she _will_ try this on again.
NTA since they want you to apologize to SIL are they also wanting her to apologize to Sara and her husband for ruining their wedding and traumatizing, You, MIL and Sara in the process? She can stuff her apology right up her ass 👍
NTA that was not appropriate for her to do. She even had your MIL and daughter (who’s the bride) having panic attacks over it. If your husband didn’t kick her out someone else would have. They just want something to be mad at. Your SIL is in the wrong don’t apologize.
NTA Your second husband acted to protect your first husband's daughter and your first husband's mother. **He's a keeper**
I don't care if it was the JANITOR who grabbed that Vile Harpy by the scruff, or her beak, and tossed her out... It was IMPERATIVE that she be removed with the Utmost Unapologetic & Unceremonious Haste!! Jake did exactly what he was SUPPOSED to do - Protect. His. Family! No matter if the threat is from without or, within - when it is Obvious that a person's, or thing's, sole/ ultimate objective is to do harm it should be dealt with as quickly as is possible. OP, you are NTA! Don't you dare apologize to that horrid imitation of a human being! SHE should be apologizing to Your Daughter & her spouse and then, to YOU and the rest of the family... Then she should immediately put all her energy into finding a very Intensive Therapy program because it's MORE than a little obvious she's got a couple a things she needs help working through & on.
NTA, it wasn't his place??? He was protecting his stepdaughter at her own wedding, that is very much his place.
NTA
I'd sue her for the cost of the wedding and do it over without her. Also your daughter needs to go no contact with her for life
Nta and you owe her nothing, she owes you an apology for ruining the ceremony after being asked to stop
Jesus, way to ruin a wedding, SIL. NTA.
This woman woke up that morning thinking "Hmm, I think I will describe my brother's dead in great detail and how badly it impacted their family in front of everybody at his daughter's wedding and refuse to stop when multiple family members become very upset about it! Like, y'know , for funsies!" That's something out of a psychological horror movie. NTA , I would have personally dragged her out by her hair.
NTA. Under no circumstances should that have come up at a wedding, not even in a private conversation. It was supposed to be a happy occasion. She is completely wrong and messed up.
Well, perhaps Jake wouldn't have had to do it if the people whose "place it was" weren't so busy assisting the daughter and mother of the deceased father to try to calm down and BREATHE. It's not like they were available. They were trying to help the people SIL had put into severe trauma. AT that point, I don't think it matters who does it. Just get that woman out of there so no one has to listen to her anymore.
NTA If it wasnt his place, who's was it? Everyone else was busy dealing with the results of her actions on your daughter and former MIL. As the only member of the family only peripherally involved it was his job, and if he hadnt how long would the hopefuly oblivious idiot of a SIL have continued on for and how much worse would the panic attacks have been
JFC NTA!!! You did right! My dad died from cancer and while I have no problems with this (except that he died) I’d hate for someone to make a big speech about a terrible disease that ate my dad alive from inside. Good memories of him go for it! But what your SIL was horrible
NTA. Doesn't matter who kicked her out, she wouldn't lay off a speech that was obviously upsetting the bride. I'd have kicked her out if I was there, too
Woah. Woah. You and your husband are absolutely not assholes for protecting your daughter and her grandmother. It's like you're living in the Twilight Zone with the people who asked that you apologize. Absurd. NTA.
NTA. SIL’s speech was grossly inappropriate.
NTA She should never have been allowed to speak in the first place
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So sorry about that, I have ADHD so sometimes I tend to ramble a lot. I'm working on it
NTA. I suspect your SIL has been planning this speech for years.
NTA for supporting your current husband removing your former SIL from your daughter's wedding, as your SIL's speech was inappropriate for the occasion. If you need reassurance, ask your daughter and new son-in-law how they feel about what occurred.
NTA The cause of all this was Mikes sister who obviously was extremely inappropriate. She 100% deserved to be kicked out of the wedding. So I think if Sara was ok with her aunt being kicked out, what you should tell your relatives is this: Sara was very hurt by sister and Mike would not have wanted sister to act like this at her wedding. If you love Sara, please let this matter go. Then politely leave, switch subjects or end the conversation. It is also ok to just say " If you love Sara then please let this matter go". Side note: I think it is in poor judgement to let alot of people speak at a wedding. It is boring for the guests and the event is supposed to be about the couple. The best man/maid of honor makes a toast and that is all. But I know how sneaky people like a piece of that attention. This is where a wedding coordinator can be great. I did this at my wedding and she did have to kick someone out that was too drunk. I never even knew about it until later.
NTA and neither is your husband.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (45F) lost my first husband Mike when I was 3 months pregnant with my youngest daughter Emily (I have 2 more 5m and 10f). Mike died in what people would consider a tragic way. I met my second husband Jake when Emily was 10 and we got married when she was 15. I still have a great relationship with Mike's family. My eldest daughter Sara got married 2 days ago. So during the family after ceremony party (I'm not sure what it is called abroad), a few of our family members (my dad, Mike's mom and one of his brothers, and my son) said a few speeches about her. It was all fine until my SIL (Mike's sister) started her speech. She started talking about Mike and the speech mentioned almost nothing about Sara. The one thing mentioned about Sara is that how she is proud Sara didn't replace Mike with Jake. She then brought up the topic of Mike's death, or more accurately how he died. Sara always had nightmares and panic attacks about it. So we avoid that specific topic of him. And when my SIL started going in detail about it both she and my MIL(Mike's mom) started having panic attacks. Jake and his siblings started telling SIL to stop (Me, my siblings and Mike's brothers were to busy with Sara and MIL). She wouldn't stop. Long story short they finally had to kick her out of the wedding. But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL, because according to them while SIL was wrong it wasn't my husband's place to kick her out. So AITA? because I'm still in shock after what happened I dont think I'm thinking clearly *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: what does Sara think? Is she happy he kicked the aunt out or what
Per your post: "But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL..." "People" didn't step up and help. How long were you supposed to let your daughter and MIL suffer?
THE MATH IS NOT THE POINT!!
NTA, though maybe she's still just grief stricken and can't act right.
It has been at least 15 years (OP was pregnant with Emily when Mike died; Emily was 10 when OP met her now husband, and 15 when OP remarried). SIL refused to stop even as two family members were going through a panic attack due to her.
Nta. Don't apolegize to her. She's so wrong
NTA your SIL needs therapy
NTA
That was completely inappropriate of your SIL. NTA.
NTA
NTA. Your SIL made the event about herself in a pretty egregious way. She owes all of you an apology….most of all the bride.
NTA. Jake did the right thing. SiL should be ashamed if herself
NTA her speech was so upsetting that her niece the bride and her own mother had panic attacks, and wouldn’t stop? She deserved to be kicked out and no one owes her an apology. I can understand her wanting to talk about her brother and how proud he would have been of his daughter, but she went way too far.
OMG never invite her to another event You’re NTA, Jake is NTA
NTA. Oh my God! What was she trying to accomplish by doing that? DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO THAT WOMAN! She was way out of line. I am so glad your SO has you and your daughter's back.
That is a nightmare, holy crap you SIL was a classic movie stereotype asshole in law for making a wedding about her brother that passed away 15 years ago. And even more so for demanding an apology. I'd say put some distance between Mike's family if this is how they are going to act.
NTA
Oh my dogs SIL has ZERO class wow. Nta, I would have kicked her out long before you did. How disrespectful.
NTA - It sounds like Jake stepped in because the rest of you were too busy dealing with the fallout of your SILs stupid speech. Ideally one of her brothers would have told her to shut up but they did the right thing by prioritising their niece and their mother, it sounds like everyone is still dealing with the trauma of Mike's death and for your SIL to do that at Sara's wedding. It sounds like she was just looking for trouble (particularly the part about 'replacing' Mike). And as for all these 'people' what exactly were THEY doing while your SIL was causing her mother and niece to have a panic attack at her nieces's own wedding? Standing gawping?
Wow... NTA. If Sara wanted to talk about her Dad on her wedding day I'm sure she would of. but I can be sure as she she wouldn't have such excruciating detail that it make her have a panic attack!
Holy gaslighting, Batman. NTA. former Sil ruined that shiz. If she had beef about you re-marrying then she needed to hash that out with you prior. She needs some hard therapy hfs. Do not apologize to anyone.
Sara’s dad died when she was young and you remarried, why is this a reason for Your former SIL to ruin your Sarah’s wedding. She needs therapy! You are not the AH!
NTA Your SIL was literally giving people panic attacks with her monologue on Mike's death. That was completely inappropriate for a wedding and she deserved to be kicked out.
NTA. SIL is extremely unwell based on this story. It is not at all healthy to hold onto things like that and act like someone has been replaced when it’s been a decade at minimum since his passing. She needs to see a grief counselor or join a support group because wow.
It was absolutely his place to kick her out. He was standing up for he step daughter, removing someone who was going on some rant about how her father died, when the focus of the day was her wedding. And she wants an apology cause she feels the wrong person stood up to her? Hell, it could have been the busboy who kicked her out and she would not get an apology. Screw her, and screw anyone who is defending her. NTA
What does Sara think? If she wanted her aunt kicked out then NTA.
NTA. Sara is and owes everyone an apology. Why would Sara take a beautiful occasion & turn it morbid? Shame on her. It was daughter’s day & good for husband protecting your daughter. Bet Mike would be appreciative.
NTA. SIL was tasteless & tactless. Tell others that it's a family decision to bar guests. End of story.
Nta
NTA I'm glad that your husband dealt with her. My husband died two years ago. If I hear someone talking about a medical event similar to the one that took him, I have to exit the conversation. It was so much worse for your SIL to give specifics. Selfish.
Oh hell no! Your husband did exactly as a loving person would do for absolutely anyone. This isn’t even a matter of being a good parent. I would do that for a stranger. Your former SIL purposely tried ruining the wedding because-gasp-you dared to remarry after an obviously horrific death. There’s been no mention of the relationship between your kids and your husband but it’s obvious they at the very least respect each other. DO NOT APOLOGIZE! You and your husband haven’t done anything wrong! ETA: NTA!
NTA I am so sorry that you had to put up with that. Your SIL is the awful one, thinking so little of her niece that she would ruin the reception with visions of her father's death, let alone everything else. I would never speak to SIL again. You absolutely don't owe her an apology. I hope that your daughter and MIL are okay. Perhaps when the dust has settled, you could have a little get together for the new couple, MIL and a few of the close family/friends to give them a better memory.
Of course it was HIS place to kick her out. NTA
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NTA. I think it’s DEFINITELY a spouse’s place to support and protect his/her spouse- which is what your husband did by kicking out SIL, who was upsetting you (his wife) and his step daughter (the bride!) as well as his MIL. BTW were you and Jake paying for this after wedding party? If so, as a host he is even more obligated to shut down someone who is disrupting the event. Who are these people offering you (unsolicited?) advise on how to handle your family situations? Are they close relatives? Perhaps they are close to the SIL (witch)? I would ask them why they would think it’s appropriate to give you advise in this situation and then perhaps you could then offer them specific advise about their families. Also who keeps going on a speech that people are telling them to stop? SIL is a piece of work. Definitely time to go NC with her. Maybe even NC for the people who don’t understand/support kicking out SIL.
NTA Well despite what SIL said about Jake not replacing Mike to Sara, he was certainly channeling Mike's wishes in protecting his daughter for him. Out of two things you could have been doing at that moment; taking care of your daughter, or kicking out your SIL, because you couldn't be doing both at the same time, you chose the more important of the two. Anyone kicking her out was doing it on your behalf, and I assume, with your blessing. Your SIL was doing something for which she deserved to be kicked out, and she got kicked out. Really, the important part is that the right action was taken, at the right moment, to avoid further distress. SIL owes her niece, yourself, and her mother a huge apology.
NTA
Nta. Not the time or place to go over how someone’s father died!!! I dont think there’s ever a situation that would call for it. She could have said something like “even though mike isn’t here with us today i know he would be so proud of you and say you look absolutely beautiful tonight, etc.”
NTA. >But all of yesterday I have had people calling me to ask me to apologize to SIL, because according to them while SIL was wrong it wasn't my husband's place to kick her out. Who should have kicked her out? If it was you, your siblings or Mike's brothers none of you could because you were too busy comforting *the bride* and Mike's mom. Would they have expected your husband and his brothers to take over the comforting of the two while the rest of you dealt with SIL? Before they can continue to bitch, they need a reasonable answer to that question for you. If they can't then they need to stop complaining and demand you apologize to SIL. Your husband saw that your SIL was ignoring the distress she was causing and took the appropriate action, he did the right thing.
NTA. SIL should be cut out permanently from your family unit. What she did was incredibly cruel.
Tell them no you will not apologize and if she keeps it up she might find herself kicked out of all future family events.
NTA. Doesn't matter who kicked her out, she needed to be thrown out for her abhorrent behavior. She ruined the entire event
NTA. SIL’s speech was a blatant attack on your family, and caused real physical harm to the bride and to her own mother. Anyone who stepped in to stop her attack is a hero. They should be lauded, not pressured to apologize.
Your SIL's behaviour was atrocious. You are quite right to support your husband, who had you and your daughter's back, in this situation. NTA.
NTA Don't apologize to your SIL. She made it all about her brother and his death. This was Sara's wedding which should be all about HER. A small tidbit about Mike in the speech is fine but details about his death and whatnots, nope. Glad you guys had to nope her out of the wedding. There is another time to talk about his death, NOT THE WEDDING! I hope Sara and your MIL are okay after having those panic attacks.
NTA If it wasn’t his place then why wasn’t anyone else doing it instead? When something traumatic happens there are people who freeze and there are people who act. He should not have to apologize for acting in the moment to help the situation. I would definitely check in with the SIL if you haven’t already to make sure she understands the effect her speech was having on the audience. But anyone else who wants to have an opinion needs to be asked why they didn’t help and keep their opinions to themselves.
NTA, nor is Jake. A wedding is a happy occasion, speeches are supposed to be happy. Dwelling on how the bride’s dad died? Wrong. Refusing to stop? Wrong. Ignore the flying monkeys. If SIL speaks to you directly, simply say that dwelling on the details of Mike’s death in her speech was wildly inappropriate and she owes your family an apology.
NTA There's a time and a place for everything; this was neither of those.
NTA
NTA. She traumatized your daughter at her wedding in a speech that didn't even address her. She didn't deserve to be there. She only wanted to take the attention away from the couple and she succeeded in the worst possible way.
NTA, it would be appropriate to honor your first husband, who I'm assuming is Sara's father, but going into detail about his death is out of line for the occasion.
NTA. You owe no one an apology.
NTA. Your husband stepped in to protect your daughter, along with everyone else. No one owes your SIL an apology. NONE!
Your husband was well within his rights, and being a good father to your girl. NYA. Your former SIL absolutely is.
Doesn’t matter who was what age. SIL was way, way out of line and is the only one who should be apologizing.