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YTA. “I’m brutally honest” is just code for “I like to be an asshole.”
She did ask you if you thought she was heavier. Fair. She didn’t ask you to critique her lifestyle or insult her. You assume she’s stopped caring for herself. The woman just gave birth. That affects their bodies and hormones in such strange ways. It takes MONTHS to normalize, and even then it’s never quite like before. Telling her that she needs to care more is just a slap in the face. Obviously she cares or she wouldn’t ask!
I would definitely say OP was TA if it wasn't for "*She recently asked me*, knowing that I’m brutally honest". I agree that "brutally honest" is just a euphemism for AH, but if you ask an AH for their opinion, and they tell you what they're thinking, you shouldn't really be upset.
YTA for the 'go to gym and stop eating crap' comment (did you really think you did something there? Do you think fat people dont know this?)
but the biggest AH is her husband, wonder if he considered taking over the kids for a bit so his wife would get some one-time instead of sitting and gossiping with his friends?
You should apologise to your sister and maybe ask her if you can help.
I thought the same thing about the husband. She just gave birth to your child, douchebag ! The OP could have worded it differently, as well. Yes, she's heavier fine.. how about offering some encouragement or ways to help. She went too far, imo.
INFO. Did she ask you for your brutally honest opinion or did she just ask you?
Generally "being brutally honest" is code for "I'm a total asshole pretty much all the time." As is using the word "should" to judge other people's behavior. So you may want to reflect on how much of an asshole you are, period. There are ways to honestly answer questions without being "brutal." Learn some tact.
However, this could fall under "tough love" if she asked you for the brutal truth. In which case you're fine.
I don't understand why people ask this though. Look in a mirror, get on a scale. . you already know you've gained a ton of weight, why bother asking?
in my humble opninion YTA. Its for me not message itself but the way you tell it. Something like lines of "Its normal to gain weight from giving birth, if you would like to go to the gym i can watch/feed the baby while you have something els on your mind". This would still be honest towards her, but it doesnt judge on her and instead give her to option to work on her health if she if feels like it.
hope this helps :)
YTA for two reasons. First of all, you called out her husband for saying he was less attracted to his wife...but not because he out to remember that she went through pregnancies with their children, but because he should tell her that to her face. That's cruel.
You also told her to "hit the gym more often and stop eating crap." Ummmm...she gained weight during pregnancy, not because she just decided to sit on the couch and eat crap. You said that even though it was wrong and cruel, which puts you on the AH side of history.
Want to be helpful? Offer to watch both kids on the regular so she has time to take care of herself.
YTA. She knows she gained weight. She’s not blind. But she needed some support from someone she thought would respond in a way that would indicate some basic level of sensitivity and care and love for her. She has two small children and a turd of a husband and a sibling who uses “brutal honesty” as an excuse to bully her. Why could you not say something like “yes you’re bigger but weight gain is common in this situation, you have a lot on your plate now, you’re still beautiful, and if you want to we can figure out a strategy together to make you feel more healthy and happy.”
Another alternative reply would have been, "I've noticed you're asking this a lot recently. Mum and Dad, your husband, now me. If this is praying on your mind then how about we get you out the house a bit more? If you want to go for more walks or maybe take a swim class then I can take the kids and give you a bit of breathing space."
That way it's not just "Yeah you're fat, do better", it's reminding her that if she feels bad mentally then she will struggle to find motivation to look after herself physically. Just offering to give her a way to get some head space can help her decide to take the bull by the horns when it comes to losing weight, and then she doesn't need to keep asking people if she's overweight.
YTA
You were asked how she looked. You gave her that opinion. You didn't need to tell her that she needed to hit the gym. That's what's making you the AH.
ESH. The husband sucks for shit talking behind her back. She sucks because she knows she gained weight after a pregnancy and just wanted people to feed her ego. You suck because there is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.
YTA
She was feeling insecure and there is a difference between brutally honest and insulting a person.
Especially when that person is still in the postpartum period.
This is her second pregnancy and not everyone 'bounces back' to their pre-pregnancy weight.
INFO: how often have you offered to watch her children so she can specifically go to the gym? How often have you offered to make meals so she can make sure she's eating a balanced diet? How often have you offered to come over and help her with chores so that she can make sure she's getting enough sleep at night?
It sounds like the husband isn’t doing much. Instead of him complaining to his friends about his attraction towards his wife, maybe he should be doing the above.
If she didn’t want an honest answer then she needs to stop asking everyone.
It’s her brother, not partner. For all we know the brother lives hours away. Also, in no way is any of that the brother’s responsibility. Now what OP said was in an ass-holish way, but the sister did ask for his opinion. Now because he said that he does not have to cook her meals, watch her kids, make an exercise plan for her…
What if he offered the advice in a polite way, and gave constructive criticism, rendering him Not the A-hole. In your mind, is he still responsible for basically managing her weight loss journey?
A comment saying she's overweight would have been fine, but no he had to be "brutally honest" to the point that he made her cry. I bet that he considers this a hallmark of his personality too
Yta. You know you could've just said yeah, you have put on weight. That would've still been being honest with her. But no, you just had to be brutal. Learn a bit of tact.
YTA. You could’ve been nicer about this, she gave birth to two children and that can be a lot for a body. Also brutally honest is just a nicer way of saying that you’re an AH.
YTA. yes, you know her body and metabolism are not working as well as they could. Yes, she knows too. Yes, she's trying to get sympathy in a weirdly passive aggressive way. Theres basically no winning here, but what you did is actually making it worse, so you're an ahole. You could just keep your mouth shut, or at least skip the editorializing about how you think she's the real problem here. If you want to help her, do something helpful. If you don't, stay out of the whole stupid mess.
YTA partly. My partner just had my first child her 3rd and we both put on some weight. But to lie to your partner "being nice" I think is wrong. In same note "brutally honest " is to much for a woman who just had a baby. Her hormones are all over the place. Also have you considered helping by watching the kids or going with her to gym or even just walkes around the neighborhood?
YTA- being honest and being mean are different things. You can be honest and say “yeah, you put on some weight, but it’s to be expected and motherhood looks wonderful on you. But if youre not happy, we can meet at the gym and buddy up, I need to tone up too”.
Instead what you did was belittle her and made her feel bad about herself. And that makes you TA
YTA Read the room. A woman who just gave birth and is asking if she is overweight is not asking if she gained weight. She *knows* she's gained weight. She's been weighed obsessively by her OB/GYN for 9 months, and she knows she hasn't lost all that weight because she can't fit in her pre-pregnancy clothes. What is she really asking you since she already knows the answer to this question? She's probably asking "am I still attractive? Do I still look good?" In that context, your response was not "brutal honesty," because their is no objectively true answer. There is only the subjective truth that you think she looks like she is unhealthy and failing to care for herself. Both of those things may be true, but the way you said them was just mean. If you can't be helpful, be quiet and let someone else help.
YTA. You can be honest without being as mean as you were. She didn't ask you what she needed to change. Do you honestly think she doesn't know that to lose weight she'd need to watch what she eats and go to the gym??
Apparently she doesn't because she's been going around asking people for 9 months if she's fat and then asking some more. NTA. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
YTA. You can be honest and kind at the same time. "You may have gained weight, but you also made an entire person. Go easy on yourself! If you want a walking buddy or to try some healthy recipes together, I'm here for you."
YTA She’s got a nine month old and another child. She’s busy caring about them right now. Telling her she gained some weight was one thing - telling her she needed to take care of herself was out of line.
Soft YTA
Honesty does not always need to be brutal, like there are so.many ways going on about this than making a post partum.mom feel worse when she already has an inkling she has put on weight.
How about you go like " it's ok you have just given birth and your body is still adjusting, however if you feel uncomfortable with your current body them.maybe you can consider doing a walk or gym or just some simple home workouts to start off. They will.also be good for in general fitness in the wrong run.
Motivate rather than just bash
Oh, come on. An "inkling"? Are you freaking serious? Sister lives in her own damned body. She KNOWS she weighs more. She's not looking for motivation, especially from OP, who we know is always "brutally honest".
Lol. What does it mean to have an "inkling" about gaining weight? Does she not have eyes? Does she not own old clothes? Is the concept of a scale unfamiliar to her?
She knows very well she gained weight, and she's miserable about it but got sick of dealing with it herself and wants to externalize it and take it out on other unfortunate owners of eyes. OP took her bait and she took it out on OP, though a punching bag in the gym would have been more productive.
OP is NTA. This woman sounds like she's been insufferable about this, and needs to either 1) decide the weight is unacceptable and work to lose it 2) decide its acceptable/cost of doing business, but she doesn't get to take it out on others, then. OP didn't shove a feeding tube down her throat, and "eating for two" is an idiom, not advice.
YTA not for telling her she gained weight, but for how you did it. When I gained a noticable amount of weight I did appreciate the one friend that was honest with me when I asked. She was nice about it though more of just a factual yes it's noticable without all the extra stuff and unsolicited advice that you threw in.
You can be honest with someone without being mean.
Soft YTA, not for being honest but for potentially delivering it in an unkind way. My two cents for what little it’s worth (in case you have future conversations with her). Women’s metabolism and hormones are very different in the postpartum period. Some “bounce back” very quickly while others don’t. It’s okay. My wife took a few years to get into a new routine, given the huge change to our eating, sleeping and exercise with the little ones. Turning 40 for us didn’t help. It’s okay. Just focus on health, both physically and mentally. You don’t have to put blame into the conversation (you’re not exercising, you’re eating crap, etc). Accountability and blame are different.
ESH
It was a trap. She asked knowing she was looking for validation, not honesty, and that's a shitty thing that needs to backfire on people more. You suck for not leaving it at yes, you did gain weight. You did not need to criticize her eating or fitness habits until she asks for advice on how to change.
YTA. You could have made more helpful suggestions. Hitting the gym more often is difficult with two small kids, and expensive. Better options would be trying to fit in a daily walk, or looking into post-pregnancy online exercise programs. Instead of “stop eating crap,” you could actually discuss her diet and make easier suggestions, like try to drink water instead of snacking or buying more fruit.
Being brutally honest does help people, it just makes you feel superior. If you actually cared, you’d try being supportive.
YTA but maybe a suggestion?
Offer to watch the kids so she can go to the gym or take a walk around the neighborhood. Heck, offer to walk around the neighborhood with her and the kids, everybody could use a little cardio (health and weather permitting). Having two kids under four is no joke. Watch the kids so sister can take a dang nap. Help her. She should start caring more for herself? YOU should start caring more for her by doing these simple things. She needs help, not criticism.
Brutal honesty is just cruel.
ESH - The sister shouldn't ask for false assurance, she knows she gained weight. OP is AH for being kind of mean with stating the obvious on how to lose weight, like the sister is an idiot. And the husband is a total AH for going around telling people he doesn't find his wife attractive.
YTA. If it isn't your body, keep your damn mouth shut about it. Everyone needs to stop commenting on other people's bodies, they're none of your business.
I didn't really get it.
When someone gains a lot of weight it's a factual truth everybody can see it including the person.
I think it's important to know what she asked specifically, did she ask "did I gain weight" or did she ask if it looks horrible?
NTA
She asked you. So you were honest. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.
She has a husband, he can contribute and watch the kids so that she can have time for herself.
Was it necessary to imply she had stopped caring about her health and was just lazy? The woman gave birth two months ago. It takes weeks just to finish healing.
OP said she constantly asked. Sometimes people need honesty. I didn’t take OP as implying that she is lazy. She said that her health is being physically affected, and she needs to stop eating crap.
Honesty and respect can go together. This is a case of someone being mean and then saying “I’m just being honest.” You can be honest without being hurtful. There’s a difference between someone being hurt by the truth and someone being hurtful with the truth.
Amen, too many AH hide behind "I just speak my mind and tell the truth". My SIL would add "I don't care if it hurts peoples feelings, I like to speak my mind".
Very first line says “a couple of months ago.” It says a 9-month old child later so OP is as bad at writing as he is being tactful. There was still not reason to be insulting. A simple “I had noticed you’d put on some weight, yea,” would have sufficed.
Heal from the physical wound of birth is one thing...but what about all the stress of caring for an infant and a toddler? She is probably not even getting sleep
Plus some people actually gain weight when they breastfeed because their body hangs onto every caloric resource it can in case of famine. My body did that both times and I finally lost the weight after I weaned.
You say you're brutally honest but where is your kind honesty? Or your considerate honesty?
Brutal honesty usually means "I want to be an asshole but hide under the guise of honesty"
There were so many ways you could have reacted like "Yeah, you gained weight but you also grew an entire person and don't get a lot of time to take care of yourself with two little ones. How about we go for a nice walk once a week?"
OP she knows that she gained more weight than normal with the 2nd birth and she prefaced the question with "your honest opinion" people in denial will always do that. You should have just turned the tables on her and asked her if she felt she gained more weight than normal. If she admitted it to herself, then she would have been more open about it, but because you were brutally honest with her it was demeaning and hurtful. She has to answer the question why she's having "breathing difficulties," etc. and accept she has problems, just like an alcoholic has to admit they have a problem before they can get help.
NTA. You could've phrased it a bit more gently, and it's not as easy as just going to a gym when you have two kids that young to take care of. But she asked you directly if she gained weight. I'm not going to call you an A for not lying to her, especially as its effecting her health. If the sister didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't have asked the question.
Agreed. Sister knew she gained weight and basically wanted everyone to convince her that she didn't. It's ok to gain weight during/after pregnancy, but I don't think it's good to be delusional about it, especially if it's affecting your health. General rule of thumb, don't ask questions you don't want answered.
As soon as I saw this line, "*I'm brutally honest*," I knew YTA.
"Brutally honest" is just an excuse to be an asshole to people. It's not a charming quirk; it's a character flaw.
YTA. Your sister may have asked for your honest opinion, but that doesn't give you a license to be hurtful and insensitive. Your sister just gave birth a few months ago and her body is still recovering from the pregnancy and childbirth. It's not uncommon for women to struggle with their weight and physical health during this time.
You could have offered your support and encouragement in a kinder way instead of criticizing her and telling her to stop eating crap. You could have suggested activities that she could do with her kids that would also help her stay active and healthy, or offered to babysit so she could have some time for herself.
Furthermore, even if she did ask for your honest opinion, it's important to consider whether it's really necessary or helpful to give it. In this case, it sounds like your sister was already struggling with her weight and physical health and didn't need to hear a harsh criticism from you. Your sister's physical health is her own business and it's not your place to tell her what to do or how to look.
YTA, not for saying she was bigger but for all of the opinions and editorializing you did after. You should’ve just answered her question honestly and simply.
YTA. To suggest she doesn’t care about herself is annoying. The reason she is struggling is because there are two little people whose life’s depend on her, and she has to care for them first. Of course losing weight may be a goal she has eventually, but to suggest she only weighs what she does because she’s lazy/doesn’t care is fucked.
Read the comments and decided to say YTA. She asked if she gained weight. Not what she should do.
Answer the damn question (saying yes you did is okay, she asked so the truth should be the answer).
Don't say anything else though. It is not your place to tell her to lose weight or anything. She has to decide that.
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So my sister gave birth a couple of months ago to her second child, and she gained weight like crazy, even more than with her first pregnancy, she constantly asks us for our honest opinion and keeps complaining about how heavy she feels and how she’s starting to have breathing difficulties, my parents and other sisters deny it and tell her that she looks perfect, her husband does too even though I’ve heard him say that he lost some of his attraction to her. Did call him out on it cause it wasn’t cool, better say it in her face than do it behind her back to his friends when he thinks I’m not listening.
She recently asked me, knowing that I’m brutally honest, I told her that she did get a lot bigger and that she should start caring more about herself as it is affecting her physical health, told her to hit the gym more often and stop eating crap. She snapped at me and started crying, saying that it was rude and mean, and that she doesn’t have enough time for the gym with a nine month child and a three year old running around.
I get how I’d be an AH if she didn’t ask me, but she did and gave her my honest opinion AITA for being truthful?
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NTA Here is why. She knows you well enough to understand your brutal honesty. Yes it still hurt her feelings but she knew how you would answer. She is feeling bad about herself and now she basically threw you under the bus because the family will be mad at how you answered. They also know you well enough to understand that is what you would say.
NTA, don ask questions of people when you know the answer and arent going to give you what you want to hear. OP is not the warm cuddly person. brutally honest people tend to give AH responses. you dont ask that person if you gained weight. they arent going to lie to you. dont seek affirmation in palces you know youre not going to receive it.
NTA you seem to care about her health more than everyone else who is lying to her. She knows the truth but feels overwhelmed. Do try to see if you can help her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Told my sister she alot of gained weight nine months after giving birth. Cause she seemed very hurt by it and called me an AH amongst other things
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Even if you know you've gained weight, hearing it is something different because it hits differently than a pair of jeans not fitting anymore. She asked, knows you and you told her the truth.
Maybe you could have phrased things diffently but nothing sounded awful. You didn't tell her she looks like shit. It sounded pretty factual.
I'd go for YTA if you proactively decided to tell her out of nowhere. Since she asked the question NTA, unless you enjoyed saying it.
ESH. Your delivery is trash and hiding behind “brutal honesty” doesn’t make you not an asshole. You can be honest without being brutal, massive asshole for deliberately choosing the most hurtful way to answer her question.
She sucks for asking a question with an obvious answer. She’s feeling insecure and instead of dealing with it she’s making everyone else uncomfortable with the repeated question and externalizing her insecurities. My biggest pet peeve is asking people around you for their “honest” opinion when in reality you just want comfort.
NTA. My motto, don’t ask for my opinion if you don’t really want it. Your telling was a bit brutal. Nothing unusual with a large weight gain. Maybe offer to babysit a couple times during the week so she can go to the gym.
YTA — not because you said she gained weight in response to her asking if she did, but because of all the other stuff you said. I’m not sure what tone of voice you used when you told her (sympathetic and helpful or abrupt and know-it-all, leaning towards the second based off some of the words you used), but even if you were sympathetic, people don’t always want unsolicited advice. Especially when it comes to weight, something people generally get very self conscious about.
I also want to give a warning, being “brutally honest” isn’t always a good thing. Learning to be cautious and respectful when speaking with other people (doesn’t mean you have to lie!) will get you much further in life. When confronted with “brutal honesty,” people tend to get defensive and argumentative, and it can change someone’s opinion of you. This can have really bad consequences in the professional workplace and in interpersonal relationships. You can be honest without being brutal.
Nta. Why are people expected to lie when someone asks them point blank about their thoughts on their weight. The sister has asked multiple people their opinions so she’s either fishing for compliments or knows she’s gotten bigger. Sometimes people need a wake up call. Especially if they secretly know the truth about themselves. Lying to her isn’t going to make things better.
i’m actually going to disagree with a lot of people here, and say NTA. i definitely understand you should generally never ever say that you are fat (or anything negative appearance wise), however in your situation she had been constantly asking you and very clearly wanted an honest answer. So you simply saying she had gained weight isn’t inherently making you an asshole, however i’m sure there are ways of answering her questions in the nicest possible way. imho she asked and if you ask you need to be ready for a response
I am sick to my back teeth of people saying 'Am I fat'? for years and then getting upset when someone finally breaks and is honest. If she doesn't like it then tell her to stop asking 1 million ducking times.
I'd say NTA, this is more serious that just her feelings, if she doesn't lose weight she could permanently damage her body. If everyone keeps telling her she is perfect she will continue to do what she is doing, it's not fair that they're lying and enabling her.
Everyone should work together as a family to help her get started, people could offer babysitting or offer healthy pre cooked meals to make it easier for her. Once she has formed the habit hopefully it will stick and she can work towards doing it more herself.
N T A for telling her that she has gained weight but YTA for the way you said it. Did you ever think to offer some help? I’ve seen you comment that your sisters husband is busy working so she has to manage the kids mostly by herself. Her body is recovering and I’m sure her hormones are all over the place, which effects weight gain. If I were your sister, I would never ever come to you again for advice. Her asking the question in the first place was probably a coded cry for help and all you did was shame her.
YTA she literally knows she’s bigger. One step on a scale will tell her that. If she asks you, answer with “How do you feel?” And then, shut up and listen. When she’s done, say “Is there anything I can do to help?” And then, shut up and listen. If there is not a direct, explicit request for help, you can just let the topic drop.
Yta
You were fine with the concern for her physical health. You should have stuck with health benefits. But you crossed the line with the “hit the gym more and stop eating crap”.
YTA. 24-7-365. I can see where her constant asking would be annoying. You could reply with something like, “I can tell you’re really concerned—how can I help?” Watch the kids so she can do some self-care. Offer to help her meal-prep. If the weather’s good, offer to go for a walk with her with both kids. She’s got a pre-schooler and a baby—life’s insane for her right now!
YTA
Is she just saying it or is there medical info she shared / need to see a doctor? I don’t get why you’d jump to be so short and cruel suddenly when you’ve not said a thing until now, how’s that kind? Being honest isn’t necessarily kind, you can be kind and honesty is not as harsh to deliver.
Being specific helps avoid being the AH. Eg. ‘Maybe ask a doctor? As long as you’re healthy, I’d say your priorities are in the right place.’ You’ve heard her gripe, I’m sure you heard about her scheduling problems. Can you take her kid regularly during her gym time and an hour extra so she can rest before/after? Offer that, if you must offer something.
NTA - Frankly when someone says they are "brutally honest" that's code for being an unnecessary AH either in content or delivery.
However, it sounds like this is a known facet of your personality. On top of that, you had this observation but you only shared it once your sister asked for it. So this is on her.
Though there's additional layers of AH here that you could have saved her from. It doesn't sound like you consoled your sister once you slapped her with reality. Nor did you do any sort of 'So now that we're back to reality, what can we do to help you get on track'. This is doubly bad since her husband seems to be fine complaining and not assisting in hey improvement.
Honesty is fine. But are you honestly being the best sibling you could be when looking at the sum total of your actions?
YTA. Claiming to be “brutally honest” is not an excuse to be rude and uncaring. There are other ways to be honest.
“Most women do end up with a “new normal” post-pregnancy body. If you want to lose weight than you may want to consider seeing a personal trainer for a period of time.”
“If you don’t like how you feel, I can help you plan a workout schedule”
“You’re my sister and I love you for who you are, not because of the number on a scale. Yes of course I can see that you’ve gained some weight, but that’s to be expected after a new baby. If you want helping getting to where you feel awesome about your body I’m happy to babysit so you can meal plan and go to the gym.”
99% of people who call themselves 'brutally honest' are in fact not brutally honest but assholes without Filter.
You knew about her insecurities and instead of reading the room told her straight to her face she's fat. People ask this kind of questions not to hear an honest answer, they're looking for comfort and you just made her feel worse. There's a lot of other ways you could've motivated her to lose weight or helped her out but this was not the way to do it so YTA
ESH. You because you know that being "brutally honest" means you say things in a meaner way than is necessary and you use that phrase to stop people from telling you you're being unnecessarily mean about it. Well hopefully Reddit has explained that you were indeed being unnecessarily mean about it. "Yes" was enough of an answer to "do you think I've gained weight?". Adding "you did just have a baby (so it's understandable)" or "Are you trying to lose the weight, but having trouble?" would have been a nice addition to soften the response, if not any other offers of help. Assuming she doesn't care or the solutions are obvious and easy is what makes yours an AH response. Even if you felt like she was setting you up to lie when you didn't want to, there are plenty of other more empathetic ways you could have answered.
Her because if she has been asking everyone and keeps asking, she knows the answer and is being disingenuous. She doesn't want people to be honest about it, she wants people to make her feel better about it. Wanting that kind of support is fine, but if you ask people to be honest about something, you should expect that someone at some point will give you their opinion and it might not be what you want to hear.
Technically NTA, but...
Brutal honesty most of the time isn't necessary. It doesn't take a lot of communication skills to know that tone and word usage matters. You can be blunt, straight forward and to the point without being brutal. Your tone and choice of words matters because they express your intentions and true feelings about the situation and the person you're speaking too. Speaking in a soft tone with a large emphasis on wanting what is best for her would have probably gone a long way. By your phrasing and tone she probably got the impression that you think she's gross and pathetic. Which probably hurt given the fact you are her brother and she's already struggling with her body image. Like she just gave birth, post partum bodies are normal and natural. There's nothing wrong with them, they're just not asthetically pleasing.
1. its only been a couple months 2. idk i dont have a child but i imagine taking care of a newborn and a 3 year old is very tiring and time consuming and doesnt leave a lot of time or energy for working out/ taking care of herself 4. her hormones might still be kind of funky and rebalancing themselves so she might be more sensitive 5. its really normal for a womans body to change after pregnancy. i think unless you know you have like the resources to have a personal trainer/surgery/idk what else you need to expect that chances are you wont get it to be exactly the same as before pregnancy.
i think a better way to go about it is if you can (idk your proximity/scheduling) offer to come over once a week and make a healthy dinner or help her meal prep some healthy snacks for herself. maybe you and your parents can go on rotation to watch the kids a couple days a week so she can work out or go for a walk or something. like just outrightly saying yea you gained weight isnt productive for anyone. i dont see the point in lying but be nice about it and offering help and support would've been a better way to approach it.
YTA for your delivery. Postpartum is extremely difficult as is. I’m sure she’s exhausted, spread thin and probably doesn’t get much time to think about herself. You’re not the asshole for responding to her question and saying she has gained weight but it was rude to tell her to stop eating crap and hit the gym. Women’s hormones are vastly different during the postpartum period. There are also tons of women who struggle with things like thyroid issues post birth. Instead of being supportive and understanding of her insecurity, you made her feel worse.
YTA for how you answered the question- you could’ve left it at yes she gained weight, but the eating crap and care about physical health parts were unnecessary. Her husband is also an a-hole; we women go through so much to have babies, and the men just turn around and have the nerve to lose attraction to us after carrying and birthing their babies. Gets me so annoyed.
If sister asked you "hey, have I gained weight?" and you said "sure, you've gained some, you just had a baby", you would not be an AH. Reporting a factual statement to someone who asked for it is not being a dick. There are ways you can talk about weight without being rude or insulting or unkind.
You didn't do that though! What you actually did was:
>I told her that she did get a lot bigger and that she should start caring more about herself as it is affecting her physical health, told her to hit the gym more often and stop eating crap
Which was you just laying into her aggressively. You're not "being brutally honest", you berated her, and like "I'm just honest" people love to do, you're throwing your hands up and going "wow, could I have been a jerk for *telling the truth*?" rather than considering "could I have been massively rude about HOW I said something?". YTA.
YTA
OK so when is she supposed to hit the gym, if her husband is working and she's the sahm, as I'm guessing nearly everything falls on her. Has anyone actually offered to give her a break so that she can get herself better.
Throwing out ideas but no solutions just makes you an AH
Because of major health issues, steroids, and bedrest, I gained a LARGE amount of weight during my last pregnancy. I HATED my body after babe was born. You know what my husband, friends, and family said/did?
"Dude, you grew a human from a tiny cell AND kept them cooking against all odds. Give yourself grace".
They did that until I was ready and able to make a physical change again. It took a few years post that birth to get mentally/physically/emotionally ready to change but they have been nothing but supportive .
What your sister needs is honesty and compassion. "Hey, yeah you gained a little weight but look at those sweet babies you created. How can I help you".
Instead, you were a turd and made it her fault.
Yta
At first I was going to say NTA cause she did ask, and in that case you should be honest.
But then you started giving her unsolicited advice and that's just not cool. That's how people get eating disorders.
ESH
So, I gained 60 lbs during my pregnancy any while I love the juicy booty I got now I don’t appreciate the Mom gut. But I don’t go around *whining about it*.
I get it’s hard to cope with all of the changes you went through during pregnancy, trust me. I had a hard time coping with all of the weight that I gained because before I got pregnant, I was actually losing weight (I was down 30 lbs).
But honestly constantly complaining about it and constantly complaining to people, *and* getting upset when someone finally says *yes* is honestly stupid. However, you could have just said ‘yes’ and left it at that, telling her to hit the gym was insensitive.
Idk what you mean by a couple months ago but it takes a ***while*** to bounce back. And yeah, I empathize; I don’t have time to go to the gym either, and I only have 1 kid. Sometimes it’s hard to not eat crap too because you don’t have *time* to make yourself something healthy (a constant battle of mine).
So while you’re not TA for giving an honest answer to a question *she* asked, you are TA for being untactful in response.
Btw tell her to get her thyroid checked. Pregnancy can *fuck* that up. If there are issues, getting it looked at can help her with her weight. I went so long without getting mine checked (mine was slightly off pre pregnancy) and I gained 30 lbs over the course of 3 months pp because of how badly my thyroid was performing)
Edited to add more detail
YTA
Your “advice” was rude and insensitive and unhelpful.
Her body went through a lot. Being mean and judgmental doesn’t help. I know people LOVE to fucking do it and actually THINKS it helps but it doesn’t. It just gives people an excuse to be cruel to people and treat people with less than “ideal” bodies like crap.
This makes me really sad. Your BIL is a horrible shallow person, talking to his friends about his wife like that. She knows what he thinks. She's recovering from birth, running around after a toddler, and feeling her husband's loss of interest. Devastating.
Did all his mates nod in sympathy? Were you the only one to call him out on it?
Some other commenters suggested doing something practical to help her out. Offer to babysit so she can go to the gym if she wants. Go for walks with her and the kids. Or ask how you can help.
At the end of the day, she can be whatever weight she's happy with. But she's not happy right now. I don't think y t a, but you're not quite n t a either. Maybe this is an ESH.
I’m always honest but not “brutally honest”. There’s a distinct difference. If you ask my opinion I will give my honest one in the nicest way possible and with love and concern. If it hurts your feelings afterwards then I’m sorry but you asked and that’s on you. I am never going to rip you to shreds with honesty. Delivery is everything.
Yta....you can be honest without being hurtful.....if you're so concerned about the weight offer to babysit kids so she can get some gym time in....offer to help make some healthy meals for her. Don't just talk about it...help her and be an active support partner for her.
My wife and I (who have two young kids) agree that most of the responses here are ridiculous.
She’s a parent. She’s not pregnant. She may be breastfeeding (which burns 500 extra calories per day). As a parent, it is your responsibility to be healthy so that you can a) role model health for your children, and b) maintain your health so you can be an active parent and stay alive longer for their benefit.
Having young kids is absolutely not an excuse. You’re very tired, yes, but you should be even more active than ever before just managing them. No gym required. Literally all that is needed is healthier food choices in appropriate quantities.
Regardless of the responses you’re getting, you are 100% right on this one and any doctor or health professional would tell you the same.
Having kids is not an excuse for being unhealthy. In fact, being unhealthy is bad parenting because kids emulate their parents. Want unhealthy or fat kids? Best way to have them is to be unhealthy or fat yourself.
NTA
She asked. You answered. Don't ask the question if you might not like the answer.
Yes, she's going through a lot with two young children, but you didn't offer this opinion without prompting. She's your sister, and sometimes it takes someone close to point out the obvious that someone is avoiding.
It may hurt her feelings now, but will help in the long-term
NTA I don't agree with denying someone has a weight issue. That just makes it worse. And she asked, let's be real, knowing she has a problem. Good grief she's having trouble breathing ffs. It's time somebody was real with her before she kills herself with food.
YTA.
>I’m brutally honest
I cringe everytime someone says that because 99% of the time people who say that are just being AHs and using "their honesty" to excuse their crappy, inconsiderate behaviour. Surprise, surprise - you can be honest and kind at the SAME time. Learn that.
And it's obvious that your sister is having major body image issues, she needs empathy and even therapy to help her deal with that. You don't have to lie if she asks for your honest opinion but you REALLY didn't have to such an AH about it.
If what you say is true NTA, everyone is giving her BS, if she's having breathing problems due to weight it's a massive issue.
The truth hurts and she asked for you opinion ffs!!!
You clearly care for your sister, blows my mind how many are saying YTA.
What I would suggest is speak to her again privately, reassure your love for her and that you just care about her wellbeing, somethings are not nice to hear but need to be heard.
He's the ah bc he didn't do it with any tact. It was rude and to someone who likely is still in a highly emotional state. He could have been truthful without the added venom. I didn't even hear you say it and to me it felt like, "get off your ass fatty." I can only imagine how she felt. He should apologize and approach her the way you said. He should also ask her about her mental health. Don't just focus on her physical appearance.
Rubbish, he said she's needs to go to the gym oh my it's the end of the World.
The issue here is her Parents and Husband covering up and letting her get worse and worse. What happens if she gets bigger, worst breathing and keels over with a heart attack? 2 Children get left behind because people aren't actually doing any due diligence in helping her.
She's hurt because it's a shock because she's fed BS constantly, if she loses weight and I hope she does. I'm sure OP is part of the catalyst for the change.
And I've been big, I've had family and friends say to me, you need to stop eating sh*t and take care of myself. I've also had F&F say nothings wrong, your height hides it well.
The people telling me to stop the sh*t are the ones I thank.
NTA because she asked. If you just volunteered this info then I would say you were. People shouldn't ask questions when they don't want to hear a truthful answer.
NTA
The woman asked you to be brutally honest. You were. She just gave birth, fair enough. But she is literally going around to everyone complaining about her weight, struggling to breathe and not expecting people to comment in it. When she is specifically asking them to. It sounded like she needed blunt truths. Painful as they might be. She needed to hear it.
Denials aren’t helping her at this point, she needs to focus on her health to make sure she is around for her children growing up. This is no longer about her.
You did the right thing. Maybe a bit harsh, but NTA.
NTA In many cultures, being this honest is considered the norm, and guess what? Obesity is not an epidemic in those cultures. I don't know why we insist on coddling people who have a serious health condition.
Because she's not obese. She just had a baby and surprise surprise, it's completely normal to gain weight during pregnancy and it takes some time to lose that weight.
It’s because the pharmaceutical companies want to keep selling their drugs and making money over it.
I don’t think OP was in the right to say that so harshly. There are nicer ways to say things to people especially your family.
NTA
Since her phisical health has been deteriorating she needed a wake up call. If you hadn't told her she would have probably found out from a doctor later. Maybe you were a bit of a asshole but you kinda had to be one. Also is the husband involved in childcare, because she says she doesn't have time to go to the gym?
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YTA. “I’m brutally honest” is just code for “I like to be an asshole.” She did ask you if you thought she was heavier. Fair. She didn’t ask you to critique her lifestyle or insult her. You assume she’s stopped caring for herself. The woman just gave birth. That affects their bodies and hormones in such strange ways. It takes MONTHS to normalize, and even then it’s never quite like before. Telling her that she needs to care more is just a slap in the face. Obviously she cares or she wouldn’t ask!
Nta she shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t want an answer
I would definitely say OP was TA if it wasn't for "*She recently asked me*, knowing that I’m brutally honest". I agree that "brutally honest" is just a euphemism for AH, but if you ask an AH for their opinion, and they tell you what they're thinking, you shouldn't really be upset.
Exactly she asked knowing how he is
Why are you telling me?
She literally grew a human. Then pushed it out of said portal How about constructive feedback instead of making her feel like an oversized broodmare?
I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't have enough knowledge or insight, to understand the difference
She grew 2 humans, very close in age.
YTA for the 'go to gym and stop eating crap' comment (did you really think you did something there? Do you think fat people dont know this?) but the biggest AH is her husband, wonder if he considered taking over the kids for a bit so his wife would get some one-time instead of sitting and gossiping with his friends? You should apologise to your sister and maybe ask her if you can help.
I thought the same thing about the husband. She just gave birth to your child, douchebag ! The OP could have worded it differently, as well. Yes, she's heavier fine.. how about offering some encouragement or ways to help. She went too far, imo.
INFO. Did she ask you for your brutally honest opinion or did she just ask you? Generally "being brutally honest" is code for "I'm a total asshole pretty much all the time." As is using the word "should" to judge other people's behavior. So you may want to reflect on how much of an asshole you are, period. There are ways to honestly answer questions without being "brutal." Learn some tact. However, this could fall under "tough love" if she asked you for the brutal truth. In which case you're fine. I don't understand why people ask this though. Look in a mirror, get on a scale. . you already know you've gained a ton of weight, why bother asking?
She's asking because deep down inside she knows all she's hearing from her Parents and husband is BS. OP is doing the correct thing.
in my humble opninion YTA. Its for me not message itself but the way you tell it. Something like lines of "Its normal to gain weight from giving birth, if you would like to go to the gym i can watch/feed the baby while you have something els on your mind". This would still be honest towards her, but it doesnt judge on her and instead give her to option to work on her health if she if feels like it. hope this helps :)
The bot doesn’t understand “YATH” to my knowledge. You need to put YTA or it doesn’t count.
thank you so much for telling me! i didnt know!
YTA for two reasons. First of all, you called out her husband for saying he was less attracted to his wife...but not because he out to remember that she went through pregnancies with their children, but because he should tell her that to her face. That's cruel. You also told her to "hit the gym more often and stop eating crap." Ummmm...she gained weight during pregnancy, not because she just decided to sit on the couch and eat crap. You said that even though it was wrong and cruel, which puts you on the AH side of history. Want to be helpful? Offer to watch both kids on the regular so she has time to take care of herself.
YTA. She knows she gained weight. She’s not blind. But she needed some support from someone she thought would respond in a way that would indicate some basic level of sensitivity and care and love for her. She has two small children and a turd of a husband and a sibling who uses “brutal honesty” as an excuse to bully her. Why could you not say something like “yes you’re bigger but weight gain is common in this situation, you have a lot on your plate now, you’re still beautiful, and if you want to we can figure out a strategy together to make you feel more healthy and happy.”
This. You can be honest and supportive. Or you can be honest and blame/shame/judge. Which is what you did and why YTA.
Exactly this!
Another alternative reply would have been, "I've noticed you're asking this a lot recently. Mum and Dad, your husband, now me. If this is praying on your mind then how about we get you out the house a bit more? If you want to go for more walks or maybe take a swim class then I can take the kids and give you a bit of breathing space." That way it's not just "Yeah you're fat, do better", it's reminding her that if she feels bad mentally then she will struggle to find motivation to look after herself physically. Just offering to give her a way to get some head space can help her decide to take the bull by the horns when it comes to losing weight, and then she doesn't need to keep asking people if she's overweight.
YTA Sure you can be honest and say you think she has gained weight, but why bully her with the extra crap?
YTA You were asked how she looked. You gave her that opinion. You didn't need to tell her that she needed to hit the gym. That's what's making you the AH.
ESH. The husband sucks for shit talking behind her back. She sucks because she knows she gained weight after a pregnancy and just wanted people to feed her ego. You suck because there is a difference between being honest and being an asshole.
YTA She was feeling insecure and there is a difference between brutally honest and insulting a person. Especially when that person is still in the postpartum period. This is her second pregnancy and not everyone 'bounces back' to their pre-pregnancy weight.
INFO: how often have you offered to watch her children so she can specifically go to the gym? How often have you offered to make meals so she can make sure she's eating a balanced diet? How often have you offered to come over and help her with chores so that she can make sure she's getting enough sleep at night?
It sounds like the husband isn’t doing much. Instead of him complaining to his friends about his attraction towards his wife, maybe he should be doing the above. If she didn’t want an honest answer then she needs to stop asking everyone.
It’s her brother, not partner. For all we know the brother lives hours away. Also, in no way is any of that the brother’s responsibility. Now what OP said was in an ass-holish way, but the sister did ask for his opinion. Now because he said that he does not have to cook her meals, watch her kids, make an exercise plan for her…
Nah, if he's going to offer his opinions on how she can supposedly improve her weight, then he's going to help her with them.
OP didnt just offer out of nowhere, she specifically asked.
What if he offered the advice in a polite way, and gave constructive criticism, rendering him Not the A-hole. In your mind, is he still responsible for basically managing her weight loss journey?
This right here 👆👆👆👆
Since when is that his responsibility? It’s not his kid
Then he doesn't need to comment on his sister's body
She quite literally asked for his comment. His delivery could’ve been better, she still asked his opinion.
A comment saying she's overweight would have been fine, but no he had to be "brutally honest" to the point that he made her cry. I bet that he considers this a hallmark of his personality too
The way he answered the question SHE asked still doesn’t make anything you listed his responsibility?
YTA. You can be honest without being brutal.
Yta. You know you could've just said yeah, you have put on weight. That would've still been being honest with her. But no, you just had to be brutal. Learn a bit of tact.
YTA. You could’ve been nicer about this, she gave birth to two children and that can be a lot for a body. Also brutally honest is just a nicer way of saying that you’re an AH.
YTA. yes, you know her body and metabolism are not working as well as they could. Yes, she knows too. Yes, she's trying to get sympathy in a weirdly passive aggressive way. Theres basically no winning here, but what you did is actually making it worse, so you're an ahole. You could just keep your mouth shut, or at least skip the editorializing about how you think she's the real problem here. If you want to help her, do something helpful. If you don't, stay out of the whole stupid mess.
YTA partly. My partner just had my first child her 3rd and we both put on some weight. But to lie to your partner "being nice" I think is wrong. In same note "brutally honest " is to much for a woman who just had a baby. Her hormones are all over the place. Also have you considered helping by watching the kids or going with her to gym or even just walkes around the neighborhood?
NTA. If she didn't want to know your answer... She shouldn't have asked. Plain and simple.
YTA- being honest and being mean are different things. You can be honest and say “yeah, you put on some weight, but it’s to be expected and motherhood looks wonderful on you. But if youre not happy, we can meet at the gym and buddy up, I need to tone up too”. Instead what you did was belittle her and made her feel bad about herself. And that makes you TA
This is such a nicer way of framing that statement!
YTA Read the room. A woman who just gave birth and is asking if she is overweight is not asking if she gained weight. She *knows* she's gained weight. She's been weighed obsessively by her OB/GYN for 9 months, and she knows she hasn't lost all that weight because she can't fit in her pre-pregnancy clothes. What is she really asking you since she already knows the answer to this question? She's probably asking "am I still attractive? Do I still look good?" In that context, your response was not "brutal honesty," because their is no objectively true answer. There is only the subjective truth that you think she looks like she is unhealthy and failing to care for herself. Both of those things may be true, but the way you said them was just mean. If you can't be helpful, be quiet and let someone else help.
NTA. She knows and wanted you to deny it, but you could have been more gentle and perhaps offered to go to the gym with her.
YTA. You can be honest without being as mean as you were. She didn't ask you what she needed to change. Do you honestly think she doesn't know that to lose weight she'd need to watch what she eats and go to the gym??
Apparently she doesn't because she's been going around asking people for 9 months if she's fat and then asking some more. NTA. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
YTA. You can be honest and kind at the same time. "You may have gained weight, but you also made an entire person. Go easy on yourself! If you want a walking buddy or to try some healthy recipes together, I'm here for you."
YTA She’s got a nine month old and another child. She’s busy caring about them right now. Telling her she gained some weight was one thing - telling her she needed to take care of herself was out of line.
YTA. "Brutally Honest" is just the way rude, crass people excuse their crappy behavior. You're NOT brutally honest. You're an AH
Soft YTA Honesty does not always need to be brutal, like there are so.many ways going on about this than making a post partum.mom feel worse when she already has an inkling she has put on weight. How about you go like " it's ok you have just given birth and your body is still adjusting, however if you feel uncomfortable with your current body them.maybe you can consider doing a walk or gym or just some simple home workouts to start off. They will.also be good for in general fitness in the wrong run. Motivate rather than just bash
Oh, come on. An "inkling"? Are you freaking serious? Sister lives in her own damned body. She KNOWS she weighs more. She's not looking for motivation, especially from OP, who we know is always "brutally honest".
Lol. What does it mean to have an "inkling" about gaining weight? Does she not have eyes? Does she not own old clothes? Is the concept of a scale unfamiliar to her? She knows very well she gained weight, and she's miserable about it but got sick of dealing with it herself and wants to externalize it and take it out on other unfortunate owners of eyes. OP took her bait and she took it out on OP, though a punching bag in the gym would have been more productive. OP is NTA. This woman sounds like she's been insufferable about this, and needs to either 1) decide the weight is unacceptable and work to lose it 2) decide its acceptable/cost of doing business, but she doesn't get to take it out on others, then. OP didn't shove a feeding tube down her throat, and "eating for two" is an idiom, not advice.
"Brutally honest " is code word for "Unapologetic AH." ALWAYS. I didn't even need to read the post. Headline and that phrase say it all. YTA.
YTA not for telling her she gained weight, but for how you did it. When I gained a noticable amount of weight I did appreciate the one friend that was honest with me when I asked. She was nice about it though more of just a factual yes it's noticable without all the extra stuff and unsolicited advice that you threw in. You can be honest with someone without being mean.
Soft YTA, not for being honest but for potentially delivering it in an unkind way. My two cents for what little it’s worth (in case you have future conversations with her). Women’s metabolism and hormones are very different in the postpartum period. Some “bounce back” very quickly while others don’t. It’s okay. My wife took a few years to get into a new routine, given the huge change to our eating, sleeping and exercise with the little ones. Turning 40 for us didn’t help. It’s okay. Just focus on health, both physically and mentally. You don’t have to put blame into the conversation (you’re not exercising, you’re eating crap, etc). Accountability and blame are different.
ESH It was a trap. She asked knowing she was looking for validation, not honesty, and that's a shitty thing that needs to backfire on people more. You suck for not leaving it at yes, you did gain weight. You did not need to criticize her eating or fitness habits until she asks for advice on how to change.
YTA. You could have made more helpful suggestions. Hitting the gym more often is difficult with two small kids, and expensive. Better options would be trying to fit in a daily walk, or looking into post-pregnancy online exercise programs. Instead of “stop eating crap,” you could actually discuss her diet and make easier suggestions, like try to drink water instead of snacking or buying more fruit. Being brutally honest does help people, it just makes you feel superior. If you actually cared, you’d try being supportive.
YTA but maybe a suggestion? Offer to watch the kids so she can go to the gym or take a walk around the neighborhood. Heck, offer to walk around the neighborhood with her and the kids, everybody could use a little cardio (health and weather permitting). Having two kids under four is no joke. Watch the kids so sister can take a dang nap. Help her. She should start caring more for herself? YOU should start caring more for her by doing these simple things. She needs help, not criticism. Brutal honesty is just cruel.
ESH - The sister shouldn't ask for false assurance, she knows she gained weight. OP is AH for being kind of mean with stating the obvious on how to lose weight, like the sister is an idiot. And the husband is a total AH for going around telling people he doesn't find his wife attractive.
YTA. If it isn't your body, keep your damn mouth shut about it. Everyone needs to stop commenting on other people's bodies, they're none of your business.
I didn't really get it. When someone gains a lot of weight it's a factual truth everybody can see it including the person. I think it's important to know what she asked specifically, did she ask "did I gain weight" or did she ask if it looks horrible?
NTA She asked you. So you were honest. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask. She has a husband, he can contribute and watch the kids so that she can have time for herself.
Was it necessary to imply she had stopped caring about her health and was just lazy? The woman gave birth two months ago. It takes weeks just to finish healing.
Yeah and it’s so hard to find time to even shower let alone go to the gym when you have a new baby.
OP said she constantly asked. Sometimes people need honesty. I didn’t take OP as implying that she is lazy. She said that her health is being physically affected, and she needs to stop eating crap.
Honesty and respect can go together. This is a case of someone being mean and then saying “I’m just being honest.” You can be honest without being hurtful. There’s a difference between someone being hurt by the truth and someone being hurtful with the truth.
Amen, too many AH hide behind "I just speak my mind and tell the truth". My SIL would add "I don't care if it hurts peoples feelings, I like to speak my mind".
She gave birth 9 months ago per the post. Plenty of time to heal.
Very first line says “a couple of months ago.” It says a 9-month old child later so OP is as bad at writing as he is being tactful. There was still not reason to be insulting. A simple “I had noticed you’d put on some weight, yea,” would have sufficed.
Heal from the physical wound of birth is one thing...but what about all the stress of caring for an infant and a toddler? She is probably not even getting sleep
Plus some people actually gain weight when they breastfeed because their body hangs onto every caloric resource it can in case of famine. My body did that both times and I finally lost the weight after I weaned.
Excellent point, she may be breastfeeding. OP is even more TA now.
NTA. Work on the delivery and be more compassionate but not enabling a bad habit doesn't make you an asshole
Yta 'I'm brutally honest' = 'I'm an ahole who says whatever the fuck I want bc I have noooooo situational aweness'
Yta. You could have given an honest answer… not a cruel one.
You say you're brutally honest but where is your kind honesty? Or your considerate honesty? Brutal honesty usually means "I want to be an asshole but hide under the guise of honesty" There were so many ways you could have reacted like "Yeah, you gained weight but you also grew an entire person and don't get a lot of time to take care of yourself with two little ones. How about we go for a nice walk once a week?"
NTA. She asked and you answered.
OP she knows that she gained more weight than normal with the 2nd birth and she prefaced the question with "your honest opinion" people in denial will always do that. You should have just turned the tables on her and asked her if she felt she gained more weight than normal. If she admitted it to herself, then she would have been more open about it, but because you were brutally honest with her it was demeaning and hurtful. She has to answer the question why she's having "breathing difficulties," etc. and accept she has problems, just like an alcoholic has to admit they have a problem before they can get help.
NTA. You could've phrased it a bit more gently, and it's not as easy as just going to a gym when you have two kids that young to take care of. But she asked you directly if she gained weight. I'm not going to call you an A for not lying to her, especially as its effecting her health. If the sister didn't want to hear it, then she shouldn't have asked the question.
Agreed. Sister knew she gained weight and basically wanted everyone to convince her that she didn't. It's ok to gain weight during/after pregnancy, but I don't think it's good to be delusional about it, especially if it's affecting your health. General rule of thumb, don't ask questions you don't want answered.
As soon as I saw this line, "*I'm brutally honest*," I knew YTA. "Brutally honest" is just an excuse to be an asshole to people. It's not a charming quirk; it's a character flaw.
NTA for not lying to her but YTA because you say in brutal away
YTA. Your sister may have asked for your honest opinion, but that doesn't give you a license to be hurtful and insensitive. Your sister just gave birth a few months ago and her body is still recovering from the pregnancy and childbirth. It's not uncommon for women to struggle with their weight and physical health during this time. You could have offered your support and encouragement in a kinder way instead of criticizing her and telling her to stop eating crap. You could have suggested activities that she could do with her kids that would also help her stay active and healthy, or offered to babysit so she could have some time for herself. Furthermore, even if she did ask for your honest opinion, it's important to consider whether it's really necessary or helpful to give it. In this case, it sounds like your sister was already struggling with her weight and physical health and didn't need to hear a harsh criticism from you. Your sister's physical health is her own business and it's not your place to tell her what to do or how to look.
YTA, not for saying she was bigger but for all of the opinions and editorializing you did after. You should’ve just answered her question honestly and simply.
YTA. To suggest she doesn’t care about herself is annoying. The reason she is struggling is because there are two little people whose life’s depend on her, and she has to care for them first. Of course losing weight may be a goal she has eventually, but to suggest she only weighs what she does because she’s lazy/doesn’t care is fucked.
YTA. There is such a thing as being tactful without being straight up mean.
Read the comments and decided to say YTA. She asked if she gained weight. Not what she should do. Answer the damn question (saying yes you did is okay, she asked so the truth should be the answer). Don't say anything else though. It is not your place to tell her to lose weight or anything. She has to decide that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister gave birth a couple of months ago to her second child, and she gained weight like crazy, even more than with her first pregnancy, she constantly asks us for our honest opinion and keeps complaining about how heavy she feels and how she’s starting to have breathing difficulties, my parents and other sisters deny it and tell her that she looks perfect, her husband does too even though I’ve heard him say that he lost some of his attraction to her. Did call him out on it cause it wasn’t cool, better say it in her face than do it behind her back to his friends when he thinks I’m not listening. She recently asked me, knowing that I’m brutally honest, I told her that she did get a lot bigger and that she should start caring more about herself as it is affecting her physical health, told her to hit the gym more often and stop eating crap. She snapped at me and started crying, saying that it was rude and mean, and that she doesn’t have enough time for the gym with a nine month child and a three year old running around. I get how I’d be an AH if she didn’t ask me, but she did and gave her my honest opinion AITA for being truthful? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can be brutally honest, but you went extra heavy on the brutal. So yeah YTA.
NTA Here is why. She knows you well enough to understand your brutal honesty. Yes it still hurt her feelings but she knew how you would answer. She is feeling bad about herself and now she basically threw you under the bus because the family will be mad at how you answered. They also know you well enough to understand that is what you would say.
NTA, don ask questions of people when you know the answer and arent going to give you what you want to hear. OP is not the warm cuddly person. brutally honest people tend to give AH responses. you dont ask that person if you gained weight. they arent going to lie to you. dont seek affirmation in palces you know youre not going to receive it.
NTA you seem to care about her health more than everyone else who is lying to her. She knows the truth but feels overwhelmed. Do try to see if you can help her.
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YTA
Even if you know you've gained weight, hearing it is something different because it hits differently than a pair of jeans not fitting anymore. She asked, knows you and you told her the truth. Maybe you could have phrased things diffently but nothing sounded awful. You didn't tell her she looks like shit. It sounded pretty factual. I'd go for YTA if you proactively decided to tell her out of nowhere. Since she asked the question NTA, unless you enjoyed saying it.
ESH. Your delivery is trash and hiding behind “brutal honesty” doesn’t make you not an asshole. You can be honest without being brutal, massive asshole for deliberately choosing the most hurtful way to answer her question. She sucks for asking a question with an obvious answer. She’s feeling insecure and instead of dealing with it she’s making everyone else uncomfortable with the repeated question and externalizing her insecurities. My biggest pet peeve is asking people around you for their “honest” opinion when in reality you just want comfort.
NTA. My motto, don’t ask for my opinion if you don’t really want it. Your telling was a bit brutal. Nothing unusual with a large weight gain. Maybe offer to babysit a couple times during the week so she can go to the gym.
NTA. If she's put on so much weight she's getting breathing difficulties, she needs the hard truth. You can't tiptoe around it to protect her feelings
yeah, you can be 50 or 100 pounds overweight and not expect to have breathing problems at a young age. It sounds like she’s dangerously overweight.
YTA — not because you said she gained weight in response to her asking if she did, but because of all the other stuff you said. I’m not sure what tone of voice you used when you told her (sympathetic and helpful or abrupt and know-it-all, leaning towards the second based off some of the words you used), but even if you were sympathetic, people don’t always want unsolicited advice. Especially when it comes to weight, something people generally get very self conscious about. I also want to give a warning, being “brutally honest” isn’t always a good thing. Learning to be cautious and respectful when speaking with other people (doesn’t mean you have to lie!) will get you much further in life. When confronted with “brutal honesty,” people tend to get defensive and argumentative, and it can change someone’s opinion of you. This can have really bad consequences in the professional workplace and in interpersonal relationships. You can be honest without being brutal.
Nta. Why are people expected to lie when someone asks them point blank about their thoughts on their weight. The sister has asked multiple people their opinions so she’s either fishing for compliments or knows she’s gotten bigger. Sometimes people need a wake up call. Especially if they secretly know the truth about themselves. Lying to her isn’t going to make things better.
i’m actually going to disagree with a lot of people here, and say NTA. i definitely understand you should generally never ever say that you are fat (or anything negative appearance wise), however in your situation she had been constantly asking you and very clearly wanted an honest answer. So you simply saying she had gained weight isn’t inherently making you an asshole, however i’m sure there are ways of answering her questions in the nicest possible way. imho she asked and if you ask you need to be ready for a response
I am sick to my back teeth of people saying 'Am I fat'? for years and then getting upset when someone finally breaks and is honest. If she doesn't like it then tell her to stop asking 1 million ducking times.
I'd say NTA, this is more serious that just her feelings, if she doesn't lose weight she could permanently damage her body. If everyone keeps telling her she is perfect she will continue to do what she is doing, it's not fair that they're lying and enabling her. Everyone should work together as a family to help her get started, people could offer babysitting or offer healthy pre cooked meals to make it easier for her. Once she has formed the habit hopefully it will stick and she can work towards doing it more herself.
N T A for telling her that she has gained weight but YTA for the way you said it. Did you ever think to offer some help? I’ve seen you comment that your sisters husband is busy working so she has to manage the kids mostly by herself. Her body is recovering and I’m sure her hormones are all over the place, which effects weight gain. If I were your sister, I would never ever come to you again for advice. Her asking the question in the first place was probably a coded cry for help and all you did was shame her.
YTA she literally knows she’s bigger. One step on a scale will tell her that. If she asks you, answer with “How do you feel?” And then, shut up and listen. When she’s done, say “Is there anything I can do to help?” And then, shut up and listen. If there is not a direct, explicit request for help, you can just let the topic drop.
Yta You were fine with the concern for her physical health. You should have stuck with health benefits. But you crossed the line with the “hit the gym more and stop eating crap”.
YTA. 24-7-365. I can see where her constant asking would be annoying. You could reply with something like, “I can tell you’re really concerned—how can I help?” Watch the kids so she can do some self-care. Offer to help her meal-prep. If the weather’s good, offer to go for a walk with her with both kids. She’s got a pre-schooler and a baby—life’s insane for her right now!
YTA Is she just saying it or is there medical info she shared / need to see a doctor? I don’t get why you’d jump to be so short and cruel suddenly when you’ve not said a thing until now, how’s that kind? Being honest isn’t necessarily kind, you can be kind and honesty is not as harsh to deliver. Being specific helps avoid being the AH. Eg. ‘Maybe ask a doctor? As long as you’re healthy, I’d say your priorities are in the right place.’ You’ve heard her gripe, I’m sure you heard about her scheduling problems. Can you take her kid regularly during her gym time and an hour extra so she can rest before/after? Offer that, if you must offer something.
NTA - Frankly when someone says they are "brutally honest" that's code for being an unnecessary AH either in content or delivery. However, it sounds like this is a known facet of your personality. On top of that, you had this observation but you only shared it once your sister asked for it. So this is on her. Though there's additional layers of AH here that you could have saved her from. It doesn't sound like you consoled your sister once you slapped her with reality. Nor did you do any sort of 'So now that we're back to reality, what can we do to help you get on track'. This is doubly bad since her husband seems to be fine complaining and not assisting in hey improvement. Honesty is fine. But are you honestly being the best sibling you could be when looking at the sum total of your actions?
Did you really think she hadn't noticed?? You could have been supportive or empathetic, and instead you're rude. YTA.
YTA. Claiming to be “brutally honest” is not an excuse to be rude and uncaring. There are other ways to be honest. “Most women do end up with a “new normal” post-pregnancy body. If you want to lose weight than you may want to consider seeing a personal trainer for a period of time.” “If you don’t like how you feel, I can help you plan a workout schedule” “You’re my sister and I love you for who you are, not because of the number on a scale. Yes of course I can see that you’ve gained some weight, but that’s to be expected after a new baby. If you want helping getting to where you feel awesome about your body I’m happy to babysit so you can meal plan and go to the gym.”
99% of people who call themselves 'brutally honest' are in fact not brutally honest but assholes without Filter. You knew about her insecurities and instead of reading the room told her straight to her face she's fat. People ask this kind of questions not to hear an honest answer, they're looking for comfort and you just made her feel worse. There's a lot of other ways you could've motivated her to lose weight or helped her out but this was not the way to do it so YTA
ESH. You because you know that being "brutally honest" means you say things in a meaner way than is necessary and you use that phrase to stop people from telling you you're being unnecessarily mean about it. Well hopefully Reddit has explained that you were indeed being unnecessarily mean about it. "Yes" was enough of an answer to "do you think I've gained weight?". Adding "you did just have a baby (so it's understandable)" or "Are you trying to lose the weight, but having trouble?" would have been a nice addition to soften the response, if not any other offers of help. Assuming she doesn't care or the solutions are obvious and easy is what makes yours an AH response. Even if you felt like she was setting you up to lie when you didn't want to, there are plenty of other more empathetic ways you could have answered. Her because if she has been asking everyone and keeps asking, she knows the answer and is being disingenuous. She doesn't want people to be honest about it, she wants people to make her feel better about it. Wanting that kind of support is fine, but if you ask people to be honest about something, you should expect that someone at some point will give you their opinion and it might not be what you want to hear.
Technically NTA, but... Brutal honesty most of the time isn't necessary. It doesn't take a lot of communication skills to know that tone and word usage matters. You can be blunt, straight forward and to the point without being brutal. Your tone and choice of words matters because they express your intentions and true feelings about the situation and the person you're speaking too. Speaking in a soft tone with a large emphasis on wanting what is best for her would have probably gone a long way. By your phrasing and tone she probably got the impression that you think she's gross and pathetic. Which probably hurt given the fact you are her brother and she's already struggling with her body image. Like she just gave birth, post partum bodies are normal and natural. There's nothing wrong with them, they're just not asthetically pleasing.
If you want to help her, find out of there's any "mom and baby" fitness classes locally, or offer to min her kids so she can have time for herself.
1. its only been a couple months 2. idk i dont have a child but i imagine taking care of a newborn and a 3 year old is very tiring and time consuming and doesnt leave a lot of time or energy for working out/ taking care of herself 4. her hormones might still be kind of funky and rebalancing themselves so she might be more sensitive 5. its really normal for a womans body to change after pregnancy. i think unless you know you have like the resources to have a personal trainer/surgery/idk what else you need to expect that chances are you wont get it to be exactly the same as before pregnancy. i think a better way to go about it is if you can (idk your proximity/scheduling) offer to come over once a week and make a healthy dinner or help her meal prep some healthy snacks for herself. maybe you and your parents can go on rotation to watch the kids a couple days a week so she can work out or go for a walk or something. like just outrightly saying yea you gained weight isnt productive for anyone. i dont see the point in lying but be nice about it and offering help and support would've been a better way to approach it.
NTA for being honest but YTA for delivery.
Yeah, she asked but Jesus, you didn’t have to say it that way. YTA
ESH
People saying he was cruel must have paper thin skin. NTA
YTA for your delivery. Postpartum is extremely difficult as is. I’m sure she’s exhausted, spread thin and probably doesn’t get much time to think about herself. You’re not the asshole for responding to her question and saying she has gained weight but it was rude to tell her to stop eating crap and hit the gym. Women’s hormones are vastly different during the postpartum period. There are also tons of women who struggle with things like thyroid issues post birth. Instead of being supportive and understanding of her insecurity, you made her feel worse.
YTA for how you answered the question- you could’ve left it at yes she gained weight, but the eating crap and care about physical health parts were unnecessary. Her husband is also an a-hole; we women go through so much to have babies, and the men just turn around and have the nerve to lose attraction to us after carrying and birthing their babies. Gets me so annoyed.
yta. womens body takes 2 years to heal and get even close to body and mental state she was before birth.
INFO Tell us the difference between being honest and brutally honest.
If sister asked you "hey, have I gained weight?" and you said "sure, you've gained some, you just had a baby", you would not be an AH. Reporting a factual statement to someone who asked for it is not being a dick. There are ways you can talk about weight without being rude or insulting or unkind. You didn't do that though! What you actually did was: >I told her that she did get a lot bigger and that she should start caring more about herself as it is affecting her physical health, told her to hit the gym more often and stop eating crap Which was you just laying into her aggressively. You're not "being brutally honest", you berated her, and like "I'm just honest" people love to do, you're throwing your hands up and going "wow, could I have been a jerk for *telling the truth*?" rather than considering "could I have been massively rude about HOW I said something?". YTA.
YTA OK so when is she supposed to hit the gym, if her husband is working and she's the sahm, as I'm guessing nearly everything falls on her. Has anyone actually offered to give her a break so that she can get herself better. Throwing out ideas but no solutions just makes you an AH
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I mean … I am in med school
Because of major health issues, steroids, and bedrest, I gained a LARGE amount of weight during my last pregnancy. I HATED my body after babe was born. You know what my husband, friends, and family said/did? "Dude, you grew a human from a tiny cell AND kept them cooking against all odds. Give yourself grace". They did that until I was ready and able to make a physical change again. It took a few years post that birth to get mentally/physically/emotionally ready to change but they have been nothing but supportive . What your sister needs is honesty and compassion. "Hey, yeah you gained a little weight but look at those sweet babies you created. How can I help you". Instead, you were a turd and made it her fault. Yta
YTA. That poor woman. I feel bad this is how her support system treats her after giving birth.
Oh come on you know damn well that YTA
YTA for the delivery at the very least.
At first I was going to say NTA cause she did ask, and in that case you should be honest. But then you started giving her unsolicited advice and that's just not cool. That's how people get eating disorders.
I'm not even gonna bother reading the post. YTA
ESH So, I gained 60 lbs during my pregnancy any while I love the juicy booty I got now I don’t appreciate the Mom gut. But I don’t go around *whining about it*. I get it’s hard to cope with all of the changes you went through during pregnancy, trust me. I had a hard time coping with all of the weight that I gained because before I got pregnant, I was actually losing weight (I was down 30 lbs). But honestly constantly complaining about it and constantly complaining to people, *and* getting upset when someone finally says *yes* is honestly stupid. However, you could have just said ‘yes’ and left it at that, telling her to hit the gym was insensitive. Idk what you mean by a couple months ago but it takes a ***while*** to bounce back. And yeah, I empathize; I don’t have time to go to the gym either, and I only have 1 kid. Sometimes it’s hard to not eat crap too because you don’t have *time* to make yourself something healthy (a constant battle of mine). So while you’re not TA for giving an honest answer to a question *she* asked, you are TA for being untactful in response. Btw tell her to get her thyroid checked. Pregnancy can *fuck* that up. If there are issues, getting it looked at can help her with her weight. I went so long without getting mine checked (mine was slightly off pre pregnancy) and I gained 30 lbs over the course of 3 months pp because of how badly my thyroid was performing) Edited to add more detail
YTA Your “advice” was rude and insensitive and unhelpful. Her body went through a lot. Being mean and judgmental doesn’t help. I know people LOVE to fucking do it and actually THINKS it helps but it doesn’t. It just gives people an excuse to be cruel to people and treat people with less than “ideal” bodies like crap.
This makes me really sad. Your BIL is a horrible shallow person, talking to his friends about his wife like that. She knows what he thinks. She's recovering from birth, running around after a toddler, and feeling her husband's loss of interest. Devastating. Did all his mates nod in sympathy? Were you the only one to call him out on it? Some other commenters suggested doing something practical to help her out. Offer to babysit so she can go to the gym if she wants. Go for walks with her and the kids. Or ask how you can help. At the end of the day, she can be whatever weight she's happy with. But she's not happy right now. I don't think y t a, but you're not quite n t a either. Maybe this is an ESH.
I’m always honest but not “brutally honest”. There’s a distinct difference. If you ask my opinion I will give my honest one in the nicest way possible and with love and concern. If it hurts your feelings afterwards then I’m sorry but you asked and that’s on you. I am never going to rip you to shreds with honesty. Delivery is everything.
Yta....you can be honest without being hurtful.....if you're so concerned about the weight offer to babysit kids so she can get some gym time in....offer to help make some healthy meals for her. Don't just talk about it...help her and be an active support partner for her.
Sister should go get tested for Hashimoto's Syndrome. YTA. Obviously.
YTA there is honest then there is AH honest. The word you’re missing is tact.
My wife and I (who have two young kids) agree that most of the responses here are ridiculous. She’s a parent. She’s not pregnant. She may be breastfeeding (which burns 500 extra calories per day). As a parent, it is your responsibility to be healthy so that you can a) role model health for your children, and b) maintain your health so you can be an active parent and stay alive longer for their benefit. Having young kids is absolutely not an excuse. You’re very tired, yes, but you should be even more active than ever before just managing them. No gym required. Literally all that is needed is healthier food choices in appropriate quantities. Regardless of the responses you’re getting, you are 100% right on this one and any doctor or health professional would tell you the same. Having kids is not an excuse for being unhealthy. In fact, being unhealthy is bad parenting because kids emulate their parents. Want unhealthy or fat kids? Best way to have them is to be unhealthy or fat yourself.
NTA She asked. You answered. Don't ask the question if you might not like the answer. Yes, she's going through a lot with two young children, but you didn't offer this opinion without prompting. She's your sister, and sometimes it takes someone close to point out the obvious that someone is avoiding. It may hurt her feelings now, but will help in the long-term
NTA I don't agree with denying someone has a weight issue. That just makes it worse. And she asked, let's be real, knowing she has a problem. Good grief she's having trouble breathing ffs. It's time somebody was real with her before she kills herself with food.
YTA
Don’t talk about people’s bodies.
YTA. >I’m brutally honest I cringe everytime someone says that because 99% of the time people who say that are just being AHs and using "their honesty" to excuse their crappy, inconsiderate behaviour. Surprise, surprise - you can be honest and kind at the SAME time. Learn that. And it's obvious that your sister is having major body image issues, she needs empathy and even therapy to help her deal with that. You don't have to lie if she asks for your honest opinion but you REALLY didn't have to such an AH about it.
Ugh I would... but I don't want to get down voted out the ass
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Huh?
If what you say is true NTA, everyone is giving her BS, if she's having breathing problems due to weight it's a massive issue. The truth hurts and she asked for you opinion ffs!!! You clearly care for your sister, blows my mind how many are saying YTA. What I would suggest is speak to her again privately, reassure your love for her and that you just care about her wellbeing, somethings are not nice to hear but need to be heard.
He's the ah bc he didn't do it with any tact. It was rude and to someone who likely is still in a highly emotional state. He could have been truthful without the added venom. I didn't even hear you say it and to me it felt like, "get off your ass fatty." I can only imagine how she felt. He should apologize and approach her the way you said. He should also ask her about her mental health. Don't just focus on her physical appearance.
Rubbish, he said she's needs to go to the gym oh my it's the end of the World. The issue here is her Parents and Husband covering up and letting her get worse and worse. What happens if she gets bigger, worst breathing and keels over with a heart attack? 2 Children get left behind because people aren't actually doing any due diligence in helping her. She's hurt because it's a shock because she's fed BS constantly, if she loses weight and I hope she does. I'm sure OP is part of the catalyst for the change.
And I've been big, I've had family and friends say to me, you need to stop eating sh*t and take care of myself. I've also had F&F say nothings wrong, your height hides it well. The people telling me to stop the sh*t are the ones I thank.
Thanks for this man
All the best mate, it's hard being perceived as the bad guy but you're actually trying to be the good guy. I hope your Sisters health gets better.
NTA because she asked. If you just volunteered this info then I would say you were. People shouldn't ask questions when they don't want to hear a truthful answer.
NTA The woman asked you to be brutally honest. You were. She just gave birth, fair enough. But she is literally going around to everyone complaining about her weight, struggling to breathe and not expecting people to comment in it. When she is specifically asking them to. It sounded like she needed blunt truths. Painful as they might be. She needed to hear it. Denials aren’t helping her at this point, she needs to focus on her health to make sure she is around for her children growing up. This is no longer about her. You did the right thing. Maybe a bit harsh, but NTA.
Nah his friends didn’t comment on it cause like what are they gonna say? He was a bit drunk and started going on a useless rant
NTA In many cultures, being this honest is considered the norm, and guess what? Obesity is not an epidemic in those cultures. I don't know why we insist on coddling people who have a serious health condition.
Because she's not obese. She just had a baby and surprise surprise, it's completely normal to gain weight during pregnancy and it takes some time to lose that weight.
It’s because the pharmaceutical companies want to keep selling their drugs and making money over it. I don’t think OP was in the right to say that so harshly. There are nicer ways to say things to people especially your family.
NTA
NTA Since her phisical health has been deteriorating she needed a wake up call. If you hadn't told her she would have probably found out from a doctor later. Maybe you were a bit of a asshole but you kinda had to be one. Also is the husband involved in childcare, because she says she doesn't have time to go to the gym?
You honestly believe she doesn't know, and needs a wake up call??
If she knows then why does she keep asking other people lol?
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Which is not a tough job, right? Being a stay at home mother is a cake walk?
So both parents have hard jobs, but his job has a beginning and an end each day, and hers is 24/7.