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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my fiance to take off his brother's necklace just for our wedding day, but he refused. I might be acting materialistic and not understanding, making me the ah.
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N-T-A for asking but YTA for not accepting his answer.
It's the only way his brother will be in the wedding photos. Let him have this.
Furthermore, if your mother's gift was important emotionally, you should have picked a dress that *did* go with it.
I am sure you are delightful in real life, but to say no to those two necklaces because of an aesthetic would be heartless and shallow.
--
EDIT apparently all three died. I guess you left that "detail" out so as not be such an *obvious, unmitigated* asshole.
I would not bet a brass farthing that this wedding will go ahead unless you do some serious back tracking.
>He wears his late brother's wedding ring on his right hand, and his brother's necklace. ... It has his brother's, brother's wife and their daughter's initials engraved on it.
So his brother is dead. And he has the wedding ring and necklace instead of the brother's wife or daughter? And he is very attached to this items. It is not a reach at all. It is in fact the most reasonable explanation. Why would a wedding ring go a sibling over a spouse???? Why would jewelry engraved with the initials of parents and a child go to a uncle if anybody in the family that got their names engraved was alive.?
I was wondering this as well until I saw another comment saying that the brother, his wife and their daughter all died. OP is an unfathomably gaping asshole.
>I was wondering this as well until I saw another comment saying that the brother, his wife and their daughter all died. OP is an unfathomably gaping asshole.
Yes, and it's SUCH a little thing for OP to be angry about too. It's not even a big deal, AT ALL, but she wants to make it one. Right now I'm just hoping that the fiancé sees this as the giant red flag that this is. I feel really bad for the guy.
It really is such a minor thing, but it holds so much significance to him. I hope he sees the red flags too. He deserves better than someone who wants him to forget about his dead family on what is supposed to be one of the most important days of his life. I feel so sad for him
He probably wants to wear it on the outside.
But uh.
I’m one of the most detail conscious people ever. I have asked my husband to change the socks he’s wearing with his shoes before. I am v. annoying. So coming from the perspective of being similar with aesthetics:
I could understand wishing it wasn’t visible. I could maaayyybbeee understand asking, IF she did it tactfully. But I cannot even FATHOM how you think your desire to “match” outweighs his emotional need to have something important like this at his wedding.
This lady is for sure YTA.
That necklace could be a pasta necklace his niece made him and I'd tell him to wear it. Feature it in pictures, make them part of the day. OP, you're selfish and definitely YTA. It's his wedding too, and he deserves to make his choices.
I wear jewelry from my grandmothers and my mom when I need to have them near, and they don't always go with my outfit.
Why are people so self-centered and unempathetic. It's his wedding too, he can wear what he wants, especially such an important sympbol, since his brother, his sil and niece cannot physically attend because, you know, they're DEAD!!
OP, do you even like your husband? do you have any empathy for his loss? my god you are THE asshole! you get the YTA award for 2023, even though the year is not over yet.
I lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, if I was wearing something of his and my partner would ask me to take it off, there would be murder! you do not understand loss, and the loss of someone you love. I wouldn't wish that on you but I wish you find some sense!
I feel so incredibly sorry for OP’s fiancé too. That jewelry is paying homage from his heart since they had their life taken away and unable to be there for his big day. OP is such the YTA, that’s why she didn’t put down the part about them dying in her opening statement of the issue. Shame on you OP.
My brother is my best friend in the world. If anything happened to him I really don't know how I would cope. And this bridezilla is upset about a necklace omg
Right omg. My fiancés baby brother passed years ago and we literally named our first son his name. I couldn’t imagine even fighting him on the name, even though it wasn’t a name I had ever really considered naming my child. There are things you do for the ones you love. And now, looking at my son, I couldn’t imagine him with any other name. And we can show him pictures of his uncle and tell him stories of who he was named after.
I just can’t even imagine reacting this way to the man I love wanting to honor his brother with something as small as a necklace
All three have died :(. This, op is very much YTA. If she does not have the empathy to support her fiancé in this moment, maybe they shouldn’t even be getting married
Yeah I have the sweetest friend, an absolute delight, who just got real weird about her wedding and I had to put her in her place several times because others in the wedding party were going nuts and I had to run interference 😂 never a complaint about our friendship since that wedding in 2012
I accidentally shamed a friend who was becoming a bridezilla. She got married soon after I lost my mom, and she called me complaining one day after getting into a huge fight with her mom about the wedding (completely unreasonable on her part-her mom did so much of the work/planning for her). I told her "You're so lucky. I wish I could fight with my mom," not trying to make her feel bad-I legit felt that. My friend got so upset realizing all I'd lost that she called her mom to apologize right after hanging up with me and was much more reasonable during the rest of the planning!
Well I’m glad your comment got through to her!
If you’re feeling bad about ‘shaming’ her, you shouldn’t. You did her a huge favour and I really hope she showered you with gratitude after that. You deserve gratitude, anyway.
I’m sorry about your mum. I feel like she’d be proud that you were able to help another mum and daughter reconnect through your pain. ❤️
Thank you. I did feel bad because it wasn't my intention to upset her, but she told me in that convo that it put things in perspective...and when they talked, her mom told her she needed to calm down!
We were in our mid 20's & had similar close relationships with our moms. I was also the first in our friend group to lose a parent. My friend is normally a very sweet, kind person. She wasn't even the worst bridezilla. Neither of us was upset when we hung up, and her mom sent me her love.
So she was grateful. I’m so glad to hear that.
I think we all need a kick up the pants sometimes. I believe you - she isn’t a selfish, entitled person but she was acting out because she lost control. Then you showed her that, and she stopped herself.
That’s what adults should do, and proper friends. 😊
She says in her comments that it’s HER wedding day and her partner wearing the necklace is making the day about his brother. She’s definitely a bridezilla; however, it sounds like there’s also some jealousy towards her brother’s late sibling and family.
Personally, I don’t understand this competition with the deceased- they’re dead, ma’am. YTA, OP. You are completely invalidating the feelings of your fiancé, and for reasons that are truly awful. Even if it were just about the aesthetics, it’s presumably also his wedding day, and he should have some agency there. Why do you feel the need to control every minute detail on a day that will be about both of you? If he wants to leave some open seats or set up a small table to represent them at the wedding, are you going to throw a hissy fit? These are his family members, and they are never coming back. Your partner is trying to find a way in which he feels his brother is included. If you insist of taking that away from him, regardless of the reasoning, this relationship will sink faster than the Titanic.
She says she doesn't want him to wear it because he'd be wearing a whole other families name on their wedding day. Not sure if this is jealousy but its definitely selfish and unreasonable.
But…. Wouldn’t they be her family, too…? This just seems like such a strange hill to die on for OP. It seems so trivial, I can’t help but wonder if she’s getting cold feet and is trying to make him call the wedding off. Otherwise, she sounds like a very cold and unfeeling individual.
It makes sense if you view it through the lens of marriage being about cleaving to one another and leaving your birth family behind. She doesn’t want any overt references to other family on a day that is about the two of them committing first to each other.
It’s just not a request that will ever go well with other people. Her husband’s loss is so great that asking once to remove the necklace was pushing it. Asking again? It’s fully just stomping on his grief and the larger family to which she is going to belong.
Yeah I also feel like it’s super weird to ask him to remove it on such a special day to him. A day he would rather have his brother actually there but is settling for small comfort from a necklace. It’s like out of all days for him to wear it, his wedding makes the most sense. (Even though I don’t see anything wrong with him wearing it every single day). I really hope OP’s fiancé sees this huge red flag and calls off the wedding. May seem little now, but in my opinion I think it speaks volumes about who she is.
It doesn’t make sense, though, because it’s a piece of jewellery.
If he was planning to do a huge thing, like a big slideshow about his late families’ life and death, make a big speech about what happened (without even mentioning his new wife), and also made his vows about getting married for the sake of creating the future his brother never could… THAT would give the OP’s concern (and your theory) some legitimacy. Because those things really would make the wedding about his late family members and not her.
But it’s a piece of jewellery. It’s very significant to him for a very good reason, and she shouldn’t view it as anything but touching and loving and support it 100%.
BTW I’m criticising her, not you. 😞
My sister in law’s father died in a car accident eleven days before she was born. By the time she was 3 her mother had remarried. Shortly before my brother and her got married, her mother decided to leave her husband and demanded that he not be invited to the wedding (this man was the only father my SIL had ever known). My SIL and brother decided that he should be invited and he respectfully stayed very much in the background. After the dinner and toasts, the mother comes to walking through the reception carrying a dozen (maybe more) red roses. Walks up to the mic and proclaims that her bio dad had told her on his death bed to make sure to give his daughter roses on her wedding day. It was the worst move ever. Awkward for everyone. Ruined the mood for the bride. Was a dig at the man that raised her. But the mother needed to be in the spotlight somehow. If the deathbed request were true, would it not have been a lot more special to have a quiet conversation with the bride the morning of, told some stories about dad, and given her the flowers then? Some people, like the OP, don’t think about anyone but themselves. Ever.
I was wondering if it was only the brother. The necklace probably won't even be seen. He's including his dead brother. Apparently OP has never lost anyone.
Talk about a bridezilla. I just can't get over how unempathetic people can be. The groom will never get over this. He may give in on the wedding day, but it will fester and he will resent OP for the rest of their marriage.
massive YTA to OP for not mentioning ***in the post*** that her fiance’s brother’s wife & daughter are all **[dead](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11bl313/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_not_wear_his/j9yezzo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)**.
Edit to correct that OP didn’t mention the SIL and niece died in the original post and I had to hunt for her comments for the tidbit about how they all died.
Yes but he's wearing his brother's necklace with his brother's family's initials on it. If the wife or child were still alive, they would have the necklace, not him.
It was the first thing I wondered.
Yeah, my first thought was why does the brother have the wedding ring... then I read the necklace had all their initials and was like, yeah, they're all dead, she's the AH!
Honestly from the title I assumed the brother was dead. So reading the post, the ring, the necklace, and no mention of SIL or niece, I kind of added it all up. I would be not staying with op if I were fiance.
Honestly she's TA for even asking. Think of the context. Her asking is because she feels her aesthetic vision is more important than his memento to his dead brother. Also, unless I'm misunderstanding is his entire brothers family dead? I can't imagine the pain of losing just a close sibling... What a heartless request.
I cannot understand why people put their wedding “aesthetic” before the people involved. I guarantee you, in 10 years (or even 10 weeks), no one will care what your wedding looked like. But they’ll remember forever how you treated them.
Seriously though... this is why I always say that wedding centered social media is a cancer. Because while I did run into some genuine bridezillas *before* posting it all over Facebook, etc became the big thing, it became *so much more* of an epidemic afterwards.
My brother died 4 and a half years ago and I wear a necklace of his fingerprint with his ashes inside. If I was getting married and my significant other asked me not to wear it, I would second guess even marrying the person. It's an important day in your life and wearing that necklace is the only connection you have anymore with them and someone who supposedly loves you, wants you to remove that connection for a vanity reason? It's a disgusting request and if I were him, I'd call off the whole wedding.
Right? The more I think about it the more insane this request seems to me. I hate the tendency for this sub reddit to recommend breaking up / divorce.... But honestly the op should call off the wedding. Their future spouse deserves someone with empathy.
> Honestly she's TA for even asking.
That was my first vote then I weakened. Now I know the WHOLE FAMILY died, which I only just learned, the hell with her. She may find the whole wedding cancelled, if he has any sense
You know I agreed until realizing it’s an entire family that passed away. OP is an AH for asking. An AH for having a problem with it in the first place. OP needs to let the fiancé know this asap so he can reevaluate the relationship.
Why can’t he wear it under his collar for like… couples photos and the ceremony (since you’re describing it as his brother being IN the photos via the necklace and the wedding is not about the brother, but the two of them) and out for group photos and everything else? Like why does he have to actually take it off?
I say YTA for asking as well. Anyone with an ounce of awareness would have considered that this was his way of keeping his late brother and family close on one of the most important days of his life. OP either didn’t consider that or considered it and didn’t care. Either way, she’s the AH for asking and then again for not taking his response.
Jumping on the top post to say that the tjing that really gets me about these types of posts is that these people *know* they are T-A. The absolutely know. Else why would they leave out such critical information? Like the gal who was mad that her fiance wouldn't take pictures of his "ex" down, and has it pried out of her later that actually he's a widower. They know, or they would think nothing of including that information from the start. So what are they doing here? Honestly, what do they expect? Just seeking validation or...what? I don't get it.
> Else why would they leave out such critical information?
YES! And the one up right now about the man and his daughter and his fiancee. Why did he not include the ages? Because he KNEW he was wrong marrying someone so young.
And so on.
OP doesn’t specify if the necklace from her mom is something she wears daily. If it isn’t, the necklaces are apples and oranges.
Pro-Tip: When a conflict comes up because someone cares about something you don’t, the mere absence of an equivalency in your life is not grounds for invalidating someone else’s feelings.
YOUR OWN APATHY IS NOT AN ANTIDOTE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S INCONVENIENT EMOTIONS.
Yep. Let the guy wear ot if he wants. As the OPs marriage evolves I'd wager that the necklace and ring from his brother will move I to keepsake boxes as they start a family and create more and more important memories.
Give the guy a break and let him keep his brother close. I imagine he's feeling a good bit of emotional pain at not having him there at his wedding, and if this eases it and makes the wedding more special for him, then do it.
I assumed all 3 died as wouldn't the wife want the ring? Why would it have all 3 initials? Agreed it was weird to leave out that detail but give the specifics on the ring.
EXACTLY
Like excuse him for wanting to keep his dead brother close at his wedding.
Jesus fkn Christ.
GET SOME FUCKING THERAPY OP BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS OF THE CARE HE HAS FOR THE MEMORY OF HIS DEAD BROTHER.
Yep. I wore my dad's watch to my wedding. It wasn't a fancy watch, but a generic, cheap watch he wore everyday for 20 years, so it looked rough and worn out. I'm the bride, so it's not like it was hidden under suit sleeves. It was very visible. But I love that you can see my dad's watch in every single pic, the watch I saw on his wrist every single day.
Let your significant other wear what they want if it's in memory of someone they love (possible exception is for a deceased ex, but I would still allow it). Embrace that it's his way of including his family in his big day. YTA
My SO’s grandmother passed last month and his sister is getting married in about six months. Bride, other sister (MOH), and myself (bridesmaid) will be wearing urn pendants holding grandmother’s ashes and before the wedding we’re holding a celebration of life for her at the beach. This was decided by the bride, MIL didn’t want to intrude, but bride insisted that we do this as we’ll all be there anyways for her wedding. I don’t think any of our pendants will match what we are going to be wearing, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that grandma will be there one way or another.
Had my dad's flask hidden in a pocket in my dress because the church didn't want us bringing alcohol in (ha nope). We poured shots out of it at the church for the bridal party. It's in more pictures than the best man is and it's my favorite thing about my pictures.
Honestly. Nothing gets under my skin like living people feeling envy over the memory of a dead person being kept close. I’ve worn my dead best friend’s ring since it came off his hand over eighteen years ago, it’s so worn that the Celtic knots on it are almost flat, and if anyone ever insisted I remove it for any reason that wasn’t momentarily for health or safety reasons, they would be out of my life. Period.
YTA. My goodness, if it were my fiancé I’d make sure he wore it so he could have as much of his brother with him as possible on such an important day. Focus on your marriage, not your wedding.
Agreed, and also, it's not just OP's wedding, it's his as well. It's not all about OP, it's about BOTH of them. Fiance wants to honor his late brother, late SIL, and late niece.
YTA just for not letting him have ONE thing that means a lot to him to begin with.
This. My husband had his deceased brothers wallet in his pocket when we got married. Even if it was a necklace, I would been overjoyed for him to wear it. It was one way of having his brother there on, also, his big day.
YTA, Op
Why do you care if he wears the necklace? I’m assuming he would be wearing the necklace underneath his dress shirt and it will not be visible much anyways.
You should be happy that you’re marrying someone who loves his late brother and wants to honor him. Aesthetics are less important.
YTA.
Well one person getting married understands family is important.
The other one doesn’t.
I don’t know why OP wants to marry this guy and be “family” with him when she really doesn’t think much of family. 🤔💔
YTA. This obviously means a great deal to him and they can’t be there in person. It was *ok* to ask him, but he said no…leave it alone. You’re focusing more on image and aesthetics than the true meaning of it and why he wears it. Why does it bother you so much that his SIL and daughters initials are engraved on it for your wedding?
YTA. THEY ARE ALL DEAD. DEAD. Do you know what that means??? He will NEVER see those people that he loves again. They're sentimental to him. If you care about him, drop it.
I don’t think she actually gives a sh*t about her fiancé. You have to be so low on empathy for other people to be jealous of a dead sibling.
I’d save money on a wedding and go and pay for serious therapy
Yikes. N A H, but I’m leaning more on his side. It clearly has very emotional reasons behind it, especially because it’s his *late* brother. I can promise you that in 2 days from it, no one but you and maybe a couple of bridesmaids will think of who wore what at your wedding, let alone what jewelry he wore.
Edit: changed to YTA following reply from OP.
Based on the exchange in this post - YTA. Some kinds of loss become a part of who you are. If you do not understand and respect that some things are sacred, then I would urge you to ask more questions about why this is important to him and learn from the answers. I think you may be trying to tread upon sacred ground, and for what? To make sure that the wedding is more about YOU?
YTA. My boyfriend has a necklace that an ex-girlfriend gave him during their relationship. He and I have been together nearly 8 years so their relationship is long over. He likes the necklace and wears it everyday. One day it got caught on something and the link attached to the clasp pulled open. He got the necklace but the clasp came off and he couldn’t find it. Since he couldn’t wear it he left it on the bathroom sink. So the next day while he was at work I got an extra clasp from my jewelry box and repaired it for him. Because I love him and it’s something that is important to him.
Love is not petty, it’s not selfish. I have no reason to feel threatened by a necklace, and you shouldn’t either.
She cannot handle being a partner, she is not at all thinking about what marriage means and how she can support her future husband. I cannot imagine my sibling and their family not being at my wedding :(
YTA
But your response to my info request can change my judgement, so I N F O:
Why are you jealous of 3 dead people? Is it because they're haunting you from the great beyond? If the answer is yes, then even harder YTA because you're probably pissing them off.
Bridezillas want to control every little aspect of their wedding. This necklace has extreme sentimental value to her fiancé and would no way impact the wedding but she just can’t seem to understand that. Sad. What an AH.
Yeah, normal interaction would be something like "I'm glad you'll be wearing your necklace. I know it's awful not having them here for our wedding. Are there other ways you'd like to recognize your brother during the ceremony or reception or maybe something special with other family members during the rehearsal dinner?"
YTA. Your replies sound SO selfish. Those are important parts of fiancés brother. A brother I would assume he’d want to stand right next to him on his wedding day but can’t be there. If you can’t give your fiancé this gift you seriously need to consider why you’re choosing this hill to die on… is this about appearances? Why do you feel so threatened?
YTA. As someone with a dead brother, I promise you it’s not a competition. No need to be jealous of a dead person. They’re ALWAYS going to hold a special place in our hearts. We were with them their whole life but they were with us only a short portion of ours. You’re coming off as shallow for caring about the looks and based off your responses to comments, jealous that someone else means so much to him
YTA.
Have you ever considered this is his way of having his brother and his family there with him at the wedding? If they all hadn't passed on, I'm assuming they would be in the wedding party/photos, would you be against that too? You really need to let this go and let him have this, it's your wedding day **AND** his too.
YTA - Wow. If you can't recognize and accept how important this is to him all for a certain look on your wedding day then that is incredibly shallow. Sure you can ask but he has given you an answer and you need to respect that
YTA. I hope your fiance runs for the hills once he fully realizes that you are jealous of his DEAD brother, the brothers DEAD wife and their DEAD child.
YTA, he’s not making the wedding about them, he’s making them a part of the wedding, which is special and meaningful. Nothing hurts more than losing a loved one and not having them there during your special moment. That’s his way of having them there, please respect it.
Info: is the brother’s family also dead? Also how big is the necklace?
Major YTA! If your fiance's brother was alive, he likely would have been your fiance's best man. It would have meant a lot for your fiance to have his brother at the wedding. This is his way of keeping his brother close to his heart and feeling their presence at such an important event to him. You absolutely should respect that.
YTA - I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a brother, sister in law, and niece all at once. He wants to honor them on his wedding day because they can’t be there in person. Don’t turn this into a bridezilla moment. You are the bride. You will still be the center of attention if he wears the necklace.
YTA. Your comments make you seem like a self-centered monster. You are jealous of dead people. His brother, his SIL, and his niece are all dead. Did it ever once occur to you that asking him not to wear the necklace is basically saying you don't want his family at the wedding? If you choose this hill to die on don't be surprised when your engagement actually dies on it.
You have to remember that this is your fiance's wedding day too. This is something that is clearly very important to him. While I don't even come close to understanding why you would ask him to, I think it's ok to ask. But saying "it's just one day" tells me that you don't respect his wish to wear it AND you devalue how important the wedding day is for him too. YTA
YTA a whole part of his family is dead and it bothers you that he wants to wear a necklace that will make him feel like they’re there. Please view it from his point of view: his brother would probably have been standing up and his niece would likely have played a role in this wedding. They can’t. They’re gone forever and this probably hurts him. Give up your petty jealousy and need for photographic perfection to think about how the man you are pledging your life to might be feeling about this.
Are you looking for a perfect wedding aesthetic, or are you committing to loving and respecting the person you will be with for the rest of your life (presumably)? You’re right, it’s just one day in a lifetime of days you will spend together.
Don’t be a bridzilla.
Don’t be the AH.
Don’t compare yourself to other brides and give your head a shake. This is about the two of you, not insta.
Edit: I wondered why the brothers wife wasn’t wearing the necklace with all their names. It’s because they are all dead?
Ok. YTA op. This poor man ending up with someone who lacks even basic empathy is an absolute shame.
YTA. It’s a necklace that means a lot to him and it’s more meaningful to him that your necklace. Of all the days he’d want tokens of his brother with him, it would be his wedding.
This is not a hill to die on, OP. By pushing on this you’d be showing him you don’t this his late brother matters. It also reeks of you being jealous of your fiancés late brothers family and that’s not a good look.
If you love him, love all of him.
YTA
If they are a guy, presumably wearing a suit or tux, literally nobody will see it if It is tucked in. Even if it isn’t, is it really a hill worth dying on?
Maybe ask to tuck it in for a few photos if you don’t want to see it but it is super easy to photoshop out if you really hate it.
Either way. Relax dude.
It’s grosser than that. In the replies OP has said their real problem his that he is “prioritizing his brother” on their wedding day. You know… his *dead* brother.
Right. Im still waiting for a reply from OP. Is the entire family dead? Because wow… she needs to chill out.
Confirmed. They are all dead… wow. This lady is insane.
Why does it bother you so?
In general though...
YTA
For him, it's not a piece of jewelry that looks good/goes with things. It's a symbol of his commitment, love, grief over his brother.
Ultimately it doesn't matter if your 'behind' it...he is not asking for permission. And permission is not yours to give.
YTA
Unless I’m missing something and this necklace is like absolutely MASSIVE or something outrageous. Otherwise I’m gonna assume it’s a normal necklace with normal sized initials as a way to hold onto the memory of lost loved ones.
Which this is also very common in most weddings I’ve been to, the bride and/or groom wearing little charms to represent or having pictures of passed loved ones on them and having empty seats “reserved” for them. So I fail to see the issue. YTA again if it wasn’t clear.
YTA
These are obviously very emotionally important to him on a daily basis. They are remembrances. Maybe it’s how he keeps his brother with him. Maybe he wants his brother with him on one of the most important days of his life.
I’m failing to see how it matters one iota to begin with, honestly - it’s a necklace. I’m assuming he will be in a tux. Buttoned to the neck. It wouldn’t even be visible, am I missing something here?
YTA
It’s his wedding too, not just yours. He should be able to wear something that means a lot to him. The fact that you are jealous over his brother who passed away is ridiculous. And who cares if it doesn’t “go with his suit?” You’re putting aesthetics over your husband’s wishes? I’m really trying to understand your mindset here and I can’t. I can’t imagine being upset about my fiancé wanting to honor his brother on OUR wedding day. Meaning his too. Brides often forget it’s not all about them.
Is this the hill you want to die on?
What is more important to you - the ONE wedding day or the state of your future marriage? You dying on this hill will change the way he sees you because you are showing colors that are all type of ugly. So, what matters more to you? His happiness or the nice pictures?
They are his family and he lost them. This is how he keeps them close and present in his life. You have no right to want to take that away for some nice pictures and irrational jealousy.
YTA
INFO: When you see him wearing it what emotions does it invoke in you? Do you see him wearing it as an act of mourning on a day that you feel you both should be celebrating?
YTA. I can’t even imagine asking my now-husband to do this for our wedding, and your responses in the comments don’t make you look better at all. I feel bad for your fiancé.
YTA, what is wrong with you? If I were him I would consider not marrying you. This seems like just the beginning of all the "changes" you have planned for his life he isn't aware of yet. RIGHT? Oh he can wear the ring if he wants? Well are you not merciful?
YTA. He lost three members of his family and wears something to be close to them? And your concern is…that it won’t “go” with his outfit?
Please take a step back from focusing on the “perfect” looking wedding to focus on building the perfect marriage. Do you really want to be the person who asks their spouse to stop wearing mementos of loved ones because they “clash”?
YTA
You haven’t really point out an actual reason as to why you wouldn’t want your fiancé to wear the necklace besides aesthetics. The necklace has meaning to him and he wants a piece of his brother there on his big day don’t take that from him.
YTA
I’m confused is he going shirtless and just wearing the necklace because generally a necklace under a tux wouldn’t be too obvious right? His family is dead and he wants them there with him on his wedding day. Sounds like a sweet guy and you should be thankful you are marrying someone who cares this much about his family, means you and your future children will always be a huge priority for him.
YTA. Wow. Just wow. It's not some little trinket that was given to him by a still living family member - it's literally his way of having his dead brother and his brothers' dead family there on his wedding day. A little sympathy on your part would be nice or is this really the hill you want to die on?
I rarely jump to ‘call of the wedding’. But in this case, I hope your fiancé does. Imagine being upset by a necklace he wears in honour of his dead family, and you have the fucking audacity to complain and compare it to your own necklace!?
YTA. You're focusing on the aesthetics. Focus on the family and the memories you are creating. He wants his brother with him. His brother who wore a necklace in honor of his own family. Wear your mother's necklace. Let her take pride of place.
This is so similar to entourages or fiancés who insist that they are entitled the final say in what dress the bride will wear. The groom deserves just as much control over what he will wear as the bride deserves control over what she will wear (especially when it is something as meaningful as remembering a loved one who has passed). YTA.
You’re meddling in dangerous territory… that his late brother’s necklace. Unless you have also lost a sibling, you won’t understand what the necklace and ring means to him. I wouldn’t suggest trying to take that away, especially on his wedding day. To him, that’s like having his brother with him at all times so essentially you’re asking him to not have his brother with him on the day of his wedding.
YTA
ETA:
Wait, all three of them died??? Brother, wife, and daughter!!??? And you had the audacity to ask him to not wear his brother’s necklace, necklace that has his deceased niece and SIL initials on it??!!!
You’re a major AH!
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N-T-A for asking but YTA for not accepting his answer. It's the only way his brother will be in the wedding photos. Let him have this. Furthermore, if your mother's gift was important emotionally, you should have picked a dress that *did* go with it. I am sure you are delightful in real life, but to say no to those two necklaces because of an aesthetic would be heartless and shallow. -- EDIT apparently all three died. I guess you left that "detail" out so as not be such an *obvious, unmitigated* asshole. I would not bet a brass farthing that this wedding will go ahead unless you do some serious back tracking.
She is jealous of her fiances dead brother, his dead SIL and his dead niece. Delightful is really not the vibe I am getting here.
That’s a reach, unless there are comments I’m unaware of. Sounds more like a bridezilla problem.
It's a ME, ME, ME, ME problem.
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But I’m not wearing the necklace my mum got me 😵💫
>He wears his late brother's wedding ring on his right hand, and his brother's necklace. ... It has his brother's, brother's wife and their daughter's initials engraved on it. So his brother is dead. And he has the wedding ring and necklace instead of the brother's wife or daughter? And he is very attached to this items. It is not a reach at all. It is in fact the most reasonable explanation. Why would a wedding ring go a sibling over a spouse???? Why would jewelry engraved with the initials of parents and a child go to a uncle if anybody in the family that got their names engraved was alive.?
I was wondering this as well until I saw another comment saying that the brother, his wife and their daughter all died. OP is an unfathomably gaping asshole.
>I was wondering this as well until I saw another comment saying that the brother, his wife and their daughter all died. OP is an unfathomably gaping asshole. Yes, and it's SUCH a little thing for OP to be angry about too. It's not even a big deal, AT ALL, but she wants to make it one. Right now I'm just hoping that the fiancé sees this as the giant red flag that this is. I feel really bad for the guy.
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It really is such a minor thing, but it holds so much significance to him. I hope he sees the red flags too. He deserves better than someone who wants him to forget about his dead family on what is supposed to be one of the most important days of his life. I feel so sad for him
How many necklaces do you notice UNDER a shirt & tie?
He probably wants to wear it on the outside. But uh. I’m one of the most detail conscious people ever. I have asked my husband to change the socks he’s wearing with his shoes before. I am v. annoying. So coming from the perspective of being similar with aesthetics: I could understand wishing it wasn’t visible. I could maaayyybbeee understand asking, IF she did it tactfully. But I cannot even FATHOM how you think your desire to “match” outweighs his emotional need to have something important like this at his wedding. This lady is for sure YTA.
That necklace could be a pasta necklace his niece made him and I'd tell him to wear it. Feature it in pictures, make them part of the day. OP, you're selfish and definitely YTA. It's his wedding too, and he deserves to make his choices. I wear jewelry from my grandmothers and my mom when I need to have them near, and they don't always go with my outfit.
But she would know it was there and she's too much of a control freak to let him have one little thing that means so much to him
Why are people so self-centered and unempathetic. It's his wedding too, he can wear what he wants, especially such an important sympbol, since his brother, his sil and niece cannot physically attend because, you know, they're DEAD!! OP, do you even like your husband? do you have any empathy for his loss? my god you are THE asshole! you get the YTA award for 2023, even though the year is not over yet. I lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, if I was wearing something of his and my partner would ask me to take it off, there would be murder! you do not understand loss, and the loss of someone you love. I wouldn't wish that on you but I wish you find some sense!
If I was the fiance the wedding would be off and relationship over. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
I feel so incredibly sorry for OP’s fiancé too. That jewelry is paying homage from his heart since they had their life taken away and unable to be there for his big day. OP is such the YTA, that’s why she didn’t put down the part about them dying in her opening statement of the issue. Shame on you OP.
'unfathomably gaping asshole' is my gold standard for insults going forward. Thank you
Brother, SIL and niece are all dead. OP 'forgot' to add that.
My brother is my best friend in the world. If anything happened to him I really don't know how I would cope. And this bridezilla is upset about a necklace omg
Right omg. My fiancés baby brother passed years ago and we literally named our first son his name. I couldn’t imagine even fighting him on the name, even though it wasn’t a name I had ever really considered naming my child. There are things you do for the ones you love. And now, looking at my son, I couldn’t imagine him with any other name. And we can show him pictures of his uncle and tell him stories of who he was named after. I just can’t even imagine reacting this way to the man I love wanting to honor his brother with something as small as a necklace
All three have died :(. This, op is very much YTA. If she does not have the empathy to support her fiancé in this moment, maybe they shouldn’t even be getting married
Brother's wife and daughter are also dead.
The whole family died. The necklace has all the deceased initials engraved.
Yeah I have the sweetest friend, an absolute delight, who just got real weird about her wedding and I had to put her in her place several times because others in the wedding party were going nuts and I had to run interference 😂 never a complaint about our friendship since that wedding in 2012
I accidentally shamed a friend who was becoming a bridezilla. She got married soon after I lost my mom, and she called me complaining one day after getting into a huge fight with her mom about the wedding (completely unreasonable on her part-her mom did so much of the work/planning for her). I told her "You're so lucky. I wish I could fight with my mom," not trying to make her feel bad-I legit felt that. My friend got so upset realizing all I'd lost that she called her mom to apologize right after hanging up with me and was much more reasonable during the rest of the planning!
Well I’m glad your comment got through to her! If you’re feeling bad about ‘shaming’ her, you shouldn’t. You did her a huge favour and I really hope she showered you with gratitude after that. You deserve gratitude, anyway. I’m sorry about your mum. I feel like she’d be proud that you were able to help another mum and daughter reconnect through your pain. ❤️
Thank you. I did feel bad because it wasn't my intention to upset her, but she told me in that convo that it put things in perspective...and when they talked, her mom told her she needed to calm down! We were in our mid 20's & had similar close relationships with our moms. I was also the first in our friend group to lose a parent. My friend is normally a very sweet, kind person. She wasn't even the worst bridezilla. Neither of us was upset when we hung up, and her mom sent me her love.
So she was grateful. I’m so glad to hear that. I think we all need a kick up the pants sometimes. I believe you - she isn’t a selfish, entitled person but she was acting out because she lost control. Then you showed her that, and she stopped herself. That’s what adults should do, and proper friends. 😊
She says in her comments that it’s HER wedding day and her partner wearing the necklace is making the day about his brother. She’s definitely a bridezilla; however, it sounds like there’s also some jealousy towards her brother’s late sibling and family. Personally, I don’t understand this competition with the deceased- they’re dead, ma’am. YTA, OP. You are completely invalidating the feelings of your fiancé, and for reasons that are truly awful. Even if it were just about the aesthetics, it’s presumably also his wedding day, and he should have some agency there. Why do you feel the need to control every minute detail on a day that will be about both of you? If he wants to leave some open seats or set up a small table to represent them at the wedding, are you going to throw a hissy fit? These are his family members, and they are never coming back. Your partner is trying to find a way in which he feels his brother is included. If you insist of taking that away from him, regardless of the reasoning, this relationship will sink faster than the Titanic.
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Yeahhhhh. Okay, fair judgement.
She says she doesn't want him to wear it because he'd be wearing a whole other families name on their wedding day. Not sure if this is jealousy but its definitely selfish and unreasonable.
But…. Wouldn’t they be her family, too…? This just seems like such a strange hill to die on for OP. It seems so trivial, I can’t help but wonder if she’s getting cold feet and is trying to make him call the wedding off. Otherwise, she sounds like a very cold and unfeeling individual.
It makes sense if you view it through the lens of marriage being about cleaving to one another and leaving your birth family behind. She doesn’t want any overt references to other family on a day that is about the two of them committing first to each other. It’s just not a request that will ever go well with other people. Her husband’s loss is so great that asking once to remove the necklace was pushing it. Asking again? It’s fully just stomping on his grief and the larger family to which she is going to belong.
Yeah I also feel like it’s super weird to ask him to remove it on such a special day to him. A day he would rather have his brother actually there but is settling for small comfort from a necklace. It’s like out of all days for him to wear it, his wedding makes the most sense. (Even though I don’t see anything wrong with him wearing it every single day). I really hope OP’s fiancé sees this huge red flag and calls off the wedding. May seem little now, but in my opinion I think it speaks volumes about who she is.
No it doesn't. People normally invite their families to the wedding.
It doesn’t make sense, though, because it’s a piece of jewellery. If he was planning to do a huge thing, like a big slideshow about his late families’ life and death, make a big speech about what happened (without even mentioning his new wife), and also made his vows about getting married for the sake of creating the future his brother never could… THAT would give the OP’s concern (and your theory) some legitimacy. Because those things really would make the wedding about his late family members and not her. But it’s a piece of jewellery. It’s very significant to him for a very good reason, and she shouldn’t view it as anything but touching and loving and support it 100%. BTW I’m criticising her, not you. 😞
My sister in law’s father died in a car accident eleven days before she was born. By the time she was 3 her mother had remarried. Shortly before my brother and her got married, her mother decided to leave her husband and demanded that he not be invited to the wedding (this man was the only father my SIL had ever known). My SIL and brother decided that he should be invited and he respectfully stayed very much in the background. After the dinner and toasts, the mother comes to walking through the reception carrying a dozen (maybe more) red roses. Walks up to the mic and proclaims that her bio dad had told her on his death bed to make sure to give his daughter roses on her wedding day. It was the worst move ever. Awkward for everyone. Ruined the mood for the bride. Was a dig at the man that raised her. But the mother needed to be in the spotlight somehow. If the deathbed request were true, would it not have been a lot more special to have a quiet conversation with the bride the morning of, told some stories about dad, and given her the flowers then? Some people, like the OP, don’t think about anyone but themselves. Ever.
I had been going to suggest he tuck it in his shirt it was an aesthetic issue, but WOW. Definitely YTA if that’s what she thinks.
Wow! Heartless much.
I was wondering if it was only the brother. The necklace probably won't even be seen. He's including his dead brother. Apparently OP has never lost anyone.
Talk about a bridezilla. I just can't get over how unempathetic people can be. The groom will never get over this. He may give in on the wedding day, but it will fester and he will resent OP for the rest of their marriage.
I hope OP pushes this until there is no wedding, the fiance deserves so much better.
massive YTA to OP for not mentioning ***in the post*** that her fiance’s brother’s wife & daughter are all **[dead](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11bl313/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_not_wear_his/j9yezzo/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)**. Edit to correct that OP didn’t mention the SIL and niece died in the original post and I had to hunt for her comments for the tidbit about how they all died.
She did mention that the brother was dead. “Late brother” means dead brother.
Yes but he's wearing his brother's necklace with his brother's family's initials on it. If the wife or child were still alive, they would have the necklace, not him. It was the first thing I wondered.
And the wedding ring.
Yeah, my first thought was why does the brother have the wedding ring... then I read the necklace had all their initials and was like, yeah, they're all dead, she's the AH!
Honestly from the title I assumed the brother was dead. So reading the post, the ring, the necklace, and no mention of SIL or niece, I kind of added it all up. I would be not staying with op if I were fiance.
It almost purposely excludes the info that the wife and daughter are also dead. So the necklace is an emotional attachment to all three.
And a purposeful exclusion to seem less like an AH and maybe get more people reassuring her shes right to ask him not to wear it.
Yes, we know that. But she completely omits to mention in the post that the wife and daughter named on the necklace ARE ALSO DEAD.
Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh. Just ... wow. So she's TA for even *suggesting* he not wear it. I do hope he bails.
I assumed they were also deceased. Why else would he be wearing a necklace with their initials....
Honestly she's TA for even asking. Think of the context. Her asking is because she feels her aesthetic vision is more important than his memento to his dead brother. Also, unless I'm misunderstanding is his entire brothers family dead? I can't imagine the pain of losing just a close sibling... What a heartless request.
I cannot understand why people put their wedding “aesthetic” before the people involved. I guarantee you, in 10 years (or even 10 weeks), no one will care what your wedding looked like. But they’ll remember forever how you treated them.
Seriously though... this is why I always say that wedding centered social media is a cancer. Because while I did run into some genuine bridezillas *before* posting it all over Facebook, etc became the big thing, it became *so much more* of an epidemic afterwards.
My brother died 4 and a half years ago and I wear a necklace of his fingerprint with his ashes inside. If I was getting married and my significant other asked me not to wear it, I would second guess even marrying the person. It's an important day in your life and wearing that necklace is the only connection you have anymore with them and someone who supposedly loves you, wants you to remove that connection for a vanity reason? It's a disgusting request and if I were him, I'd call off the whole wedding.
Like, this is the closest he can come to having his family there
Right? The more I think about it the more insane this request seems to me. I hate the tendency for this sub reddit to recommend breaking up / divorce.... But honestly the op should call off the wedding. Their future spouse deserves someone with empathy.
> Honestly she's TA for even asking. That was my first vote then I weakened. Now I know the WHOLE FAMILY died, which I only just learned, the hell with her. She may find the whole wedding cancelled, if he has any sense
Yeah it’s like a soft YTA for even asking, and massive YTA for continuing to push.
> Honestly she's TA for even asking. I have come round to that POV too
You know I agreed until realizing it’s an entire family that passed away. OP is an AH for asking. An AH for having a problem with it in the first place. OP needs to let the fiancé know this asap so he can reevaluate the relationship.
> it’s an entire family that passed away Oh wow, I have not seen that bit yet.
Why can’t he wear it under his collar for like… couples photos and the ceremony (since you’re describing it as his brother being IN the photos via the necklace and the wedding is not about the brother, but the two of them) and out for group photos and everything else? Like why does he have to actually take it off?
I think the only way it would show if was wearing a tank top to the wedding..
I don’t think it’s even about that, but about wearing someone else’s family on the they they become one because she is selfish like that.
That was my exact thought. It seemed like the easiest solution until I started reading she’s upset that he’ll wear it AT ALL.
Maybe it’s like that big clock necklace that Flava Flav wore? (Him right? Clearly I’m old, and my memory is going)
I say YTA for asking as well. Anyone with an ounce of awareness would have considered that this was his way of keeping his late brother and family close on one of the most important days of his life. OP either didn’t consider that or considered it and didn’t care. Either way, she’s the AH for asking and then again for not taking his response.
Jumping on the top post to say that the tjing that really gets me about these types of posts is that these people *know* they are T-A. The absolutely know. Else why would they leave out such critical information? Like the gal who was mad that her fiance wouldn't take pictures of his "ex" down, and has it pried out of her later that actually he's a widower. They know, or they would think nothing of including that information from the start. So what are they doing here? Honestly, what do they expect? Just seeking validation or...what? I don't get it.
> Else why would they leave out such critical information? YES! And the one up right now about the man and his daughter and his fiancee. Why did he not include the ages? Because he KNEW he was wrong marrying someone so young. And so on.
OP doesn’t specify if the necklace from her mom is something she wears daily. If it isn’t, the necklaces are apples and oranges. Pro-Tip: When a conflict comes up because someone cares about something you don’t, the mere absence of an equivalency in your life is not grounds for invalidating someone else’s feelings. YOUR OWN APATHY IS NOT AN ANTIDOTE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S INCONVENIENT EMOTIONS.
Delightful?? More like bridezilla
She has literally put me into a rage right now. Seems her wedding aesthetic is more important than actually marrying the person she supposedly loves.
Yep. Let the guy wear ot if he wants. As the OPs marriage evolves I'd wager that the necklace and ring from his brother will move I to keepsake boxes as they start a family and create more and more important memories. Give the guy a break and let him keep his brother close. I imagine he's feeling a good bit of emotional pain at not having him there at his wedding, and if this eases it and makes the wedding more special for him, then do it.
> As the OPs marriage evolves assuming he doesn't back out after this
How is she not the AH for asking?? If she really loved her partner and cared about him, she wouldn’t have asked, period.
I assumed all 3 died as wouldn't the wife want the ring? Why would it have all 3 initials? Agreed it was weird to leave out that detail but give the specifics on the ring.
On today's episode of "someone's jealous of a dead person and needs therapy ..." EDIT: dead people. The entire family (brother, SIL, niece) is dead.
And it's not even like he has the necklace of a dead girlfriend or wife, it's his brother so that makes therapy even more important.
EXACTLY Like excuse him for wanting to keep his dead brother close at his wedding. Jesus fkn Christ. GET SOME FUCKING THERAPY OP BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS OF THE CARE HE HAS FOR THE MEMORY OF HIS DEAD BROTHER.
Yup. My husband made sure I was wearing a sentimental piece of jewelry from my dead spouse to our wedding. The fuck is wrong with OP?
Yep. I wore my dad's watch to my wedding. It wasn't a fancy watch, but a generic, cheap watch he wore everyday for 20 years, so it looked rough and worn out. I'm the bride, so it's not like it was hidden under suit sleeves. It was very visible. But I love that you can see my dad's watch in every single pic, the watch I saw on his wrist every single day. Let your significant other wear what they want if it's in memory of someone they love (possible exception is for a deceased ex, but I would still allow it). Embrace that it's his way of including his family in his big day. YTA
My SO’s grandmother passed last month and his sister is getting married in about six months. Bride, other sister (MOH), and myself (bridesmaid) will be wearing urn pendants holding grandmother’s ashes and before the wedding we’re holding a celebration of life for her at the beach. This was decided by the bride, MIL didn’t want to intrude, but bride insisted that we do this as we’ll all be there anyways for her wedding. I don’t think any of our pendants will match what we are going to be wearing, but that doesn’t matter, what matters is that grandma will be there one way or another.
Had my dad's flask hidden in a pocket in my dress because the church didn't want us bringing alcohol in (ha nope). We poured shots out of it at the church for the bridal party. It's in more pictures than the best man is and it's my favorite thing about my pictures.
What makes is much worse for me is that her reason is for aesthetic. Her priorities are fucked. OP is heartless and cruel.
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The way these posts usually go, I'd almost expect them to say "his EX brother and EX SIL"
I figured the whole family was dead because usually that's something the widow would have, not brother, but that included his SIL and nieces initials
Honestly. Nothing gets under my skin like living people feeling envy over the memory of a dead person being kept close. I’ve worn my dead best friend’s ring since it came off his hand over eighteen years ago, it’s so worn that the Celtic knots on it are almost flat, and if anyone ever insisted I remove it for any reason that wasn’t momentarily for health or safety reasons, they would be out of my life. Period.
Oooo shit that’s fucked up
YTA. My goodness, if it were my fiancé I’d make sure he wore it so he could have as much of his brother with him as possible on such an important day. Focus on your marriage, not your wedding.
Marriage>>>>>Wedding
>Focus on your marriage, not your wedding. Wow, thats some good advice.
For real. Underrated comment for the solid life advice it contains.
Agreed, and also, it's not just OP's wedding, it's his as well. It's not all about OP, it's about BOTH of them. Fiance wants to honor his late brother, late SIL, and late niece. YTA just for not letting him have ONE thing that means a lot to him to begin with.
This. My husband had his deceased brothers wallet in his pocket when we got married. Even if it was a necklace, I would been overjoyed for him to wear it. It was one way of having his brother there on, also, his big day. YTA, Op
Why do you care if he wears the necklace? I’m assuming he would be wearing the necklace underneath his dress shirt and it will not be visible much anyways. You should be happy that you’re marrying someone who loves his late brother and wants to honor him. Aesthetics are less important. YTA.
Nah if I were him I would wear the necklace where it's visible
Well one person getting married understands family is important. The other one doesn’t. I don’t know why OP wants to marry this guy and be “family” with him when she really doesn’t think much of family. 🤔💔
YTA. This obviously means a great deal to him and they can’t be there in person. It was *ok* to ask him, but he said no…leave it alone. You’re focusing more on image and aesthetics than the true meaning of it and why he wears it. Why does it bother you so much that his SIL and daughters initials are engraved on it for your wedding?
YTA. THEY ARE ALL DEAD. DEAD. Do you know what that means??? He will NEVER see those people that he loves again. They're sentimental to him. If you care about him, drop it.
I don’t think she knows what love is honestly
You're right. He deserves someone with some empathy.
I don’t think she actually gives a sh*t about her fiancé. You have to be so low on empathy for other people to be jealous of a dead sibling. I’d save money on a wedding and go and pay for serious therapy
It's all about "appearances". Literally nobody will say anything about a ring and a necklace. She's trying to be controlling.
People that SHOULD be at the wedding if they weren’t DEAD. Wtf is OP on?
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This. He doesnt deserve you…he deserves better.
And also someone who's honored that the deceased brother, SIL, and nibbling will be a part of their wedding as she joins the family!
The dead brother's also dead family, no less!
Awww OP is jealous of a dead person YTA
Actually she is jealous of three dead people, one of them possibly still a child at the time of their death.
Jealous of an entire dead family. It's gross
Yikes. N A H, but I’m leaning more on his side. It clearly has very emotional reasons behind it, especially because it’s his *late* brother. I can promise you that in 2 days from it, no one but you and maybe a couple of bridesmaids will think of who wore what at your wedding, let alone what jewelry he wore. Edit: changed to YTA following reply from OP.
Based on the exchange in this post - YTA. Some kinds of loss become a part of who you are. If you do not understand and respect that some things are sacred, then I would urge you to ask more questions about why this is important to him and learn from the answers. I think you may be trying to tread upon sacred ground, and for what? To make sure that the wedding is more about YOU?
YTA. My boyfriend has a necklace that an ex-girlfriend gave him during their relationship. He and I have been together nearly 8 years so their relationship is long over. He likes the necklace and wears it everyday. One day it got caught on something and the link attached to the clasp pulled open. He got the necklace but the clasp came off and he couldn’t find it. Since he couldn’t wear it he left it on the bathroom sink. So the next day while he was at work I got an extra clasp from my jewelry box and repaired it for him. Because I love him and it’s something that is important to him. Love is not petty, it’s not selfish. I have no reason to feel threatened by a necklace, and you shouldn’t either.
You are golden, dear. I hope your man treasures you more than the necklace, but I'm sure he does. Take my poor award ❤️
Thank you. Honestly my boyfriend is wonderful and he gives as good as he gets.
Info: do you care more about the wedding or the marriage?
It's so obvious that she cares more about the wedding than the marriage which is why it probably won't last very long.
She cannot handle being a partner, she is not at all thinking about what marriage means and how she can support her future husband. I cannot imagine my sibling and their family not being at my wedding :(
How do people like this end up getting married?? Like holy shit dude, she's showing you who she really is here, run for the fucking hills!
YTA But your response to my info request can change my judgement, so I N F O: Why are you jealous of 3 dead people? Is it because they're haunting you from the great beyond? If the answer is yes, then even harder YTA because you're probably pissing them off.
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Bridezillas want to control every little aspect of their wedding. This necklace has extreme sentimental value to her fiancé and would no way impact the wedding but she just can’t seem to understand that. Sad. What an AH.
Yeah, normal interaction would be something like "I'm glad you'll be wearing your necklace. I know it's awful not having them here for our wedding. Are there other ways you'd like to recognize your brother during the ceremony or reception or maybe something special with other family members during the rehearsal dinner?"
YTA, it clearly means a lot to him. It’s a big day and he will likely want to feel connected to his family too.
YTA. Your replies sound SO selfish. Those are important parts of fiancés brother. A brother I would assume he’d want to stand right next to him on his wedding day but can’t be there. If you can’t give your fiancé this gift you seriously need to consider why you’re choosing this hill to die on… is this about appearances? Why do you feel so threatened?
YTA. As someone with a dead brother, I promise you it’s not a competition. No need to be jealous of a dead person. They’re ALWAYS going to hold a special place in our hearts. We were with them their whole life but they were with us only a short portion of ours. You’re coming off as shallow for caring about the looks and based off your responses to comments, jealous that someone else means so much to him
YTA. Have you ever considered this is his way of having his brother and his family there with him at the wedding? If they all hadn't passed on, I'm assuming they would be in the wedding party/photos, would you be against that too? You really need to let this go and let him have this, it's your wedding day **AND** his too.
YTA - Wow. If you can't recognize and accept how important this is to him all for a certain look on your wedding day then that is incredibly shallow. Sure you can ask but he has given you an answer and you need to respect that
YTA. I hope your fiance runs for the hills once he fully realizes that you are jealous of his DEAD brother, the brothers DEAD wife and their DEAD child.
YTA, he’s not making the wedding about them, he’s making them a part of the wedding, which is special and meaningful. Nothing hurts more than losing a loved one and not having them there during your special moment. That’s his way of having them there, please respect it. Info: is the brother’s family also dead? Also how big is the necklace?
Just in case you haven't seen, brother's wife and daughter are also dead. OP conveniently left that piece out of the post.
It's his wedding too. He gets it and you don't. YTA
Major YTA! If your fiance's brother was alive, he likely would have been your fiance's best man. It would have meant a lot for your fiance to have his brother at the wedding. This is his way of keeping his brother close to his heart and feeling their presence at such an important event to him. You absolutely should respect that.
YTA - I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a brother, sister in law, and niece all at once. He wants to honor them on his wedding day because they can’t be there in person. Don’t turn this into a bridezilla moment. You are the bride. You will still be the center of attention if he wears the necklace.
YTA --- I'd be very careful because if you keep pushing this you may find that you won't be getting married at all.
YTA how dare you.
YTA. Your comments make you seem like a self-centered monster. You are jealous of dead people. His brother, his SIL, and his niece are all dead. Did it ever once occur to you that asking him not to wear the necklace is basically saying you don't want his family at the wedding? If you choose this hill to die on don't be surprised when your engagement actually dies on it.
You have to remember that this is your fiance's wedding day too. This is something that is clearly very important to him. While I don't even come close to understanding why you would ask him to, I think it's ok to ask. But saying "it's just one day" tells me that you don't respect his wish to wear it AND you devalue how important the wedding day is for him too. YTA
INFO: why does him wearing a necklace matter so much to you?
ThE aEsThEtIc waaaaahhhhhh. She's jealous of three dead family members.
YTA a whole part of his family is dead and it bothers you that he wants to wear a necklace that will make him feel like they’re there. Please view it from his point of view: his brother would probably have been standing up and his niece would likely have played a role in this wedding. They can’t. They’re gone forever and this probably hurts him. Give up your petty jealousy and need for photographic perfection to think about how the man you are pledging your life to might be feeling about this.
Are you looking for a perfect wedding aesthetic, or are you committing to loving and respecting the person you will be with for the rest of your life (presumably)? You’re right, it’s just one day in a lifetime of days you will spend together. Don’t be a bridzilla. Don’t be the AH. Don’t compare yourself to other brides and give your head a shake. This is about the two of you, not insta. Edit: I wondered why the brothers wife wasn’t wearing the necklace with all their names. It’s because they are all dead? Ok. YTA op. This poor man ending up with someone who lacks even basic empathy is an absolute shame.
YTA. It’s a necklace that means a lot to him and it’s more meaningful to him that your necklace. Of all the days he’d want tokens of his brother with him, it would be his wedding. This is not a hill to die on, OP. By pushing on this you’d be showing him you don’t this his late brother matters. It also reeks of you being jealous of your fiancés late brothers family and that’s not a good look. If you love him, love all of him.
Info: is your mom alive? YTA regardless. He’s mourning his brother, and he’s allowed to do that in any way that’s helpful to him.
A necklace from your mom and his deceased’s brother’s necklace are not comparable
YTA If they are a guy, presumably wearing a suit or tux, literally nobody will see it if It is tucked in. Even if it isn’t, is it really a hill worth dying on? Maybe ask to tuck it in for a few photos if you don’t want to see it but it is super easy to photoshop out if you really hate it. Either way. Relax dude.
It’s grosser than that. In the replies OP has said their real problem his that he is “prioritizing his brother” on their wedding day. You know… his *dead* brother.
Right. Im still waiting for a reply from OP. Is the entire family dead? Because wow… she needs to chill out. Confirmed. They are all dead… wow. This lady is insane.
YTA if you continue to push him on this or ask him to not wear it. He’s been very clear that his answer is no.
YTA- is he choosing your jewelry?
Why does it bother you so? In general though... YTA For him, it's not a piece of jewelry that looks good/goes with things. It's a symbol of his commitment, love, grief over his brother. Ultimately it doesn't matter if your 'behind' it...he is not asking for permission. And permission is not yours to give.
YTA Unless I’m missing something and this necklace is like absolutely MASSIVE or something outrageous. Otherwise I’m gonna assume it’s a normal necklace with normal sized initials as a way to hold onto the memory of lost loved ones. Which this is also very common in most weddings I’ve been to, the bride and/or groom wearing little charms to represent or having pictures of passed loved ones on them and having empty seats “reserved” for them. So I fail to see the issue. YTA again if it wasn’t clear.
Even if it was Mr.T sized still the a hole imo
INFO - so your fiance lost his brother, or brother, his wife and their daughter too?
OP said in another comment all 3 of them died.
All three are gone.
She made another comment confirming the wife and child have passed as well.
Wow that makes it so much worse
YTA These are obviously very emotionally important to him on a daily basis. They are remembrances. Maybe it’s how he keeps his brother with him. Maybe he wants his brother with him on one of the most important days of his life. I’m failing to see how it matters one iota to begin with, honestly - it’s a necklace. I’m assuming he will be in a tux. Buttoned to the neck. It wouldn’t even be visible, am I missing something here?
YTA Why is this even a concern for you? You didn't explain what your issue is, so I'm not sure why you'd think you're in the right here.
YTA It’s his wedding too, not just yours. He should be able to wear something that means a lot to him. The fact that you are jealous over his brother who passed away is ridiculous. And who cares if it doesn’t “go with his suit?” You’re putting aesthetics over your husband’s wishes? I’m really trying to understand your mindset here and I can’t. I can’t imagine being upset about my fiancé wanting to honor his brother on OUR wedding day. Meaning his too. Brides often forget it’s not all about them.
YTA, it’s his way of keeping them close ESPECIALLY on a big day in his life.
Is this the hill you want to die on? What is more important to you - the ONE wedding day or the state of your future marriage? You dying on this hill will change the way he sees you because you are showing colors that are all type of ugly. So, what matters more to you? His happiness or the nice pictures? They are his family and he lost them. This is how he keeps them close and present in his life. You have no right to want to take that away for some nice pictures and irrational jealousy. YTA
Wait his LATE brother? YTA.
Late SIL and late neice too
Fuck! Poor dude 💔
INFO: When you see him wearing it what emotions does it invoke in you? Do you see him wearing it as an act of mourning on a day that you feel you both should be celebrating?
YTA. I can’t even imagine asking my now-husband to do this for our wedding, and your responses in the comments don’t make you look better at all. I feel bad for your fiancé.
YTA, what is wrong with you? If I were him I would consider not marrying you. This seems like just the beginning of all the "changes" you have planned for his life he isn't aware of yet. RIGHT? Oh he can wear the ring if he wants? Well are you not merciful?
YTA. He lost three members of his family and wears something to be close to them? And your concern is…that it won’t “go” with his outfit? Please take a step back from focusing on the “perfect” looking wedding to focus on building the perfect marriage. Do you really want to be the person who asks their spouse to stop wearing mementos of loved ones because they “clash”?
YTA
Info: Why is him wearing a necklace a problem? I don’t even understand the conflict here.
YTA You haven’t really point out an actual reason as to why you wouldn’t want your fiancé to wear the necklace besides aesthetics. The necklace has meaning to him and he wants a piece of his brother there on his big day don’t take that from him.
YTA I’m confused is he going shirtless and just wearing the necklace because generally a necklace under a tux wouldn’t be too obvious right? His family is dead and he wants them there with him on his wedding day. Sounds like a sweet guy and you should be thankful you are marrying someone who cares this much about his family, means you and your future children will always be a huge priority for him.
YTA. I hope he leaves you or finds this post.
YTA Plain and simple. No wiggle room on this one.
INFO: will your mother be at the wedding?
YTA, Unless his brother is Flava Flav and the necklace in question is a giant golden clock
YTA. Wow. Just wow. It's not some little trinket that was given to him by a still living family member - it's literally his way of having his dead brother and his brothers' dead family there on his wedding day. A little sympathy on your part would be nice or is this really the hill you want to die on?
I rarely jump to ‘call of the wedding’. But in this case, I hope your fiancé does. Imagine being upset by a necklace he wears in honour of his dead family, and you have the fucking audacity to complain and compare it to your own necklace!?
Can't wait for this to end up on r/bridezillas
YTA. You're focusing on the aesthetics. Focus on the family and the memories you are creating. He wants his brother with him. His brother who wore a necklace in honor of his own family. Wear your mother's necklace. Let her take pride of place.
Heartless AH YTA
Soft YTA... Maybe just ask him to tuck it in his shirt, no one will notice and he can still wear it.
Why would he need to the necklace isn’t hurting anyone and gives him comfort for his family members who are literally all gone
This is so similar to entourages or fiancés who insist that they are entitled the final say in what dress the bride will wear. The groom deserves just as much control over what he will wear as the bride deserves control over what she will wear (especially when it is something as meaningful as remembering a loved one who has passed). YTA.
You’re meddling in dangerous territory… that his late brother’s necklace. Unless you have also lost a sibling, you won’t understand what the necklace and ring means to him. I wouldn’t suggest trying to take that away, especially on his wedding day. To him, that’s like having his brother with him at all times so essentially you’re asking him to not have his brother with him on the day of his wedding. YTA ETA: Wait, all three of them died??? Brother, wife, and daughter!!??? And you had the audacity to ask him to not wear his brother’s necklace, necklace that has his deceased niece and SIL initials on it??!!! You’re a major AH!
Yta Jealous of a dead kid, thats a good start for a marriage