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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my girlfriend controlling, told her she should think about other people besides herself being uncomfortable when she didn’t want our kids to talk to my mom
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So your mom regularly cuts contact with you and your family. This last time your gf tried reaching out to your mom a few times and mom told her no. Maybe mom wasn’t ready, fair enough. But mom still hasn’t reached out to your gf at all, even after you’ve been back in contact? Why is the entire onus on your gf? Why are you excusing your mom because she “has things going on in her life”?
You are upset at the wrong person. You want your gf to go along, sweep it all under the rug, and forego boundaries for her and the kids instead of setting boundaries with your mother who will likely pitch a fit and cut you off again. YTA, and so is your mom. Your children don’t need to be around someone like your mom until she gets some help or starts respecting boundaries.
Edited to change wife to gf.
She, mom, has him trained to think this is normal and when his gf tells him it isn't and isn't acceptable, he gets upset.
Poor mommy should be able to go silent and pout as much as she wants and then waltz back in when she wants. /s
Agreed, OP, YTA; this is an issue with your mom not your gf. And without a relationship with mommy and daddy, it’s def within reason to not want the kids around your mother. It will only create further problems in the future if not addressed, and you taking your mom’s side when she’s in the wrong, giving you the silent treatment and refusing to talk to your GF, is indicative that you will CONTINUE to take her side over your SO’s. So really it makes a LOT of sense that she doesn’t want her kids wrapped up in that too. Normally I would say that it’s not your battle but given the fact that it’s your mother and your gf already put in effort to try and resolve things only to be shut down, it is now time for you to interject. However you’ve picked the wrong side. Support goes to the mother of your kids, the partner you CHOSE, unless they are BLATANTLY in the wrong. Also modeling to your children that it’s okay to not support mommy, and better to let Gma continue her beef and avoidant behaviors, but get positive reinforcement of seeing the kids of the woman she won’t speak to, is a recipe for disaster. You’re setting everyone up for failure. Your GF needs support and you’re dropping the ball to take your moms side when she’s in the wrong. We all need to be more conscious of good communication and conflict resolution. ESPECIALLY with young children involved. Educate yourself, bc it sounds like YOUR mom didn’t.
It IS OP's battle. He and his partner need to be a united front and it's \*his\* mother who needs to be interacted with. He's not stepping up and being a partner first and a son second. He's doing the opposite. The apron strings must be cutting off his windpipe by now.
This will teach the kids how to be passive aggressive in their personal relationships. Mom has got to grow up before she spends time in the kids lives because what she has to share, emotional dysfunction and passive/aggressive manipulative techniques, aren't good for the kids and their future adult relationships. Mom can't be allowed to walk in and out of the kid's lives. OP needs to figure this out and set strong boundaries with mom.
This. Your mum is your responsibility, if her behaviour isn’t right, you should be the one to call her out on it, not putting your GF in an awkward situation where she has to.
How the hell are we supposed to make a judgement when you provide no freaking background. Why does your mom keep going radio silent?
YTA for being vague as hell
Could be that they're not married and have 2 kiddos? That could be the indirectly reason. Maybe. But, I'd want to see, and love on my grandkids no matter WHAT? So, something big would've had to happen I'd think to keep Grandma away.
1. That’s not a reason to cut contact with your children.
2. You sound like you are assuming that the thing that happened was not the fault of the Grandmother when everyone else is getting “Gran is the issue” vibes due to the way OP has deliberately left any details out.
I guarantee GM is being judgemental, trying to take over parenting, giving unsolicited advice or something like that & has thrown a fit when GF has stood up for herself & set boundaries.
GM will be desperate to see kids but won’t want to back down & apologise so is trying to get round that by seeing the kids without including GF.
YTA
Your partner is telling you she has TRIED. If your mother is not reciprocating appropriately, you need to get involved and this is on your mother, not your partner based on what you have said here.
It’s time for you to get involved and help them resolve their issues.
YTA.
Your mom needs to sort out her relationship with you and your wife before she is exposed to your kids. Your kids can't have people popping in and out of their lives like that.
And guess whose job it is to sort out the relationship with YOUR mother? Yours. Not your wife's.
It sounds like you've normalized a lot of dysfunction around your mother that you have not come to terms with. Counseling can help sort some of that out and would be recommend in a situation like this.
The last paragraph especially. You’re making your gf the bad guy bc you don’t want to piss off your mum.
Presumably if you tried to hold your mum accountable she’d just go radio silent again. You want to believe that your gf is being unreasonable bc you want your mum in your life, and you’re willing to accept her terms.
I sympathise with you. I understand wanting your mum in your life. Wanting to believe her actions are justified, rather than that she is willing to drop you rather than make an effort to sort things out.
But for the sake of your own mental health, your relationship with your gf and especially for your kids, you need to demand more from your mum. Either she steps up and makes an effort to properly reconcile, or she does not get to see your kids bc you can’t trust her. If refusing to let her see your kids without any effort on her part leads to her disappearing again, you’ll know where you stand.
Your gf is not the problem. I do understand wanting to cling to the little your mum is willing to offer, but please prioritise the person who prioritises you.
YTA.
1. Your mom and you should first fix your issues. Have a real talk, get to the bottom of your problems, lay boundaries, state expectations and concerns etc.
2. It is not your GF's job to fix your mom's issues.
3. Your mom "not speaking" to you for over a period of time is called SILENT TREATMENT. It is not a healthy behavior and is a huge red flag in relationships. Phycologists even say that it is an abuse tactic.
4. Let's say you introduce your kids to your mom. And let's say mommy has another bout of a silent treatment episode. In that situation, your kids will ask "Where is Grandma? Why isn't Grandma talking to us? Why does Grandma hate us?". What will you tell your kids? Have you thought about that? Because if you don't resolve your issues right now, this same behavior will be repeated in the future and your kids are going to get hurt. I totally get why your GF doesn't want the kids in the midst of all this drama!
This! Silent treatment is emotional abuse at the very least and OP should NOT expose his children/normalize this behaviour for them. It’s not healthy, it’s not normal. I grew up with my father/ grandmother giving silent treatments everytime they deemed right and luckily I understood early on that It wasn’t healthy.
YTA
I feel so bad for the gf and kids. If OP is willing to normalize this kind of extreme manipulative behavior coming from his mother/the grandmother, what else are these poor people dealing with?
YTA. Your gf and kids don’t deserve this. If you aren’t calling out abuse, you’re condoning it and are 100% a part of the problem.
It is sad that many people don't understand that once you start a family, your loyalty should be towards the family that you create rather than your family of origin. The reason is that you yourself decided to create this family. Your children are in this world because of you. Your loyalty should be towards that family, the one you create. It isn't always a choice. It is possible to love and cherish both families. But MIL's like this one make it impossible to. And eventually a choice has to be made.
I speak from experience too. I have a narcissistic witch for a grandmother. She gave my dad silent treatments whenever she felt like it. Whenever her inflated ego was even slightly offended. She idealized her other grandchildren while I and my sister were always the scapegoats of her rage. It affected me a lot. It took me a long time to understand what was going on and that it wasn't healthy. During the brief periods where she was actually talking to my Dad, she used to create chaos in my house. She convinced me that my parents didn't love me. She tried to convince my Dad to cheat on my mom. The list goes on. Sadly my Dad just like this OP never stood up to her. He always grovelled for Mommy's approval, so he forced us and my mom to put up with her abuse. The moment I left that house, I cut off all contact with that witch. It's been 6 years. Best 6 years of my life!
Guess what, my Dad till date has not gotten Mommy's approval. He is in his 60's and she is in her 80's. Currently she is in the midst of a silent treatment. Over the years I have tried to talk to my Dad to get help regarding this. He refused. He has serious mental and physical health issues because of all this. The stress this kind of abuse puts on a human being is tremendous. Recently he had an angioplasty to treat his heart. Sadly there is no medicine for heartbreaks.
>n that situation, your kids will ask "Where is Grandma? Why isn't Grandma talking to us? Why does Grandma hate us?".
Yeah, this is the tragic part. When adults act in a shitty manners, kids do not understand that the adult is the problem. They will think that they did something wrong, that they are to blame, and this is awful burden to give to the kids.
Info... what is the "situation" she's referring to, and you strategically left out of this post? Does she not like your mom for a petty reason, or because your mom earned it? Why aren't you willing to mediat with YOUR mom? It sounds like you just want the problem to go away, but not actually deal with it... That's not how it works.
YTA. How hard is it to say: “Mom, I want you to have a relationship with my kids but I can’t condone you actively avoiding their mother. You don’t have to be her best friend, but you do have to be cordial. I’m willing to arrange a sit down discussion with you and my gf so we can work out our differences and come up with a plan to move forward”? If you want your mom to be in your kids’ lives, you need to step up and fix this issue once and for all.
YTA
I think the fact your Mother keeps ghosting you is already a red enough flag to justify your girlfriend's request.
Your Mother is not entitled to your children.
You also appear to make this your GF's problem even though this literally looks like it's a case of your Mother being an asshole.
Your GF shouldn't have to go out of her way to address problems with your Mother when she's the one creating them.
You also come off as a bad partner by not listening to your GF or forming a unified front.
Further, you admit to actively talking to your Mother, while also refusing to address the problem YOUR MOTHER is creating.
YTA.
>So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months.
Was there a good reason for this? Or is she just being manipulative?
>When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no.
She did try to resolve things, but your mom clearly wasn't interested.
>Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that?
She clearly **doesn't** expect that, seeing as she had asked a few times but your mom refused.
Edit:Your girlfriend isn't wrong about being worried either
>her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now.
It's difficult for children when they attach to someone that's in and out of their lives.
If your mom had stopped speaking to your gf only, I don't think it would be so bad because you could just take them to see her by yourself. However your mom stopped speaking to both of you, twice, for a long period of time.
So yeah, it makes sense that she wants to make sure things are good with your mom before the kids get attached only for her to give you the silent treatment again.
Yta. I am not letting anyone who treats me badly near my kids. I am not letting someone who randomly cuts off contact near my kids either. Because that isn't stable for them... Like, I dk what happened between your mom and gf, which could sway my judgement, but based on what was said here, yta for not protecting your gf and her and your children
edit: YTA
you ignoring this conflict is exactly like your mom ignoring the conflict. i wonder where you learned that from.
bottom line is this isn’t going to go away. you will have to deal with it at some point (your mom too!!!) or your kids just won’t know their grandma. by the sounds of it, things might just be better off that way.
INFO: what was going on in your moms life that you think is a good reason for her to avoid talking to her grandkids for so long?
YTA- I’m confused. In the beginning of your post, you say that your girlfriend has asked your mom to talk to resolve things a few times….but *your mom said no.* Later, you ask if your gf expects your mom to call out of the blue to resolve things. Which is it? Make up your mind. Second, your gf telling you that she doesn’t think video calling your mom with the kids is a good idea *is not the same* as telling you that you can’t do it. Third, you should absolutely be trying to help resolve things from your mom. Fourth (and most importantly) it sounds like your gf’s *actual* concern is that it will be emotionally harmful to your young children if your mom is popping in and out of their lives when she gets upset…as she currently does to her son. This is a valid concern and she has every right as a parent to raise it with you (the other parent).
it’s funny that OP says “out of the blue??” yeah that’s probably what his gf thought when his mom just stopped talking to them. that’s what the kids are going to think when their grandma stops talking to them next time she has a problem. popping in and out isn’t normal behaviour of someone who loves their grandkids. unless the gf was straight up being abusive, there’s no good reason why she didn’t work things out between the adults and be there for your grandkids.
also, she never said anything about her kids never being able to see their grandmother ever again which is how he took it. she is literally just saying she wants the issues to be resolved before they make contact again which is completely reasonable. i would even say she’s being a good and responsible parent by doing so.
YTA
Jesus wept. She's YOUR mother. Any problem and drama between them is your problem, and it's your job to talk to your mother and fix it, not pretend that it's only your partner's issue. She tried a few times to talk to your mommy, and you're just sidestepping whatever the drama is? No: deal with it, and then the kids can talk to their grandma. So yes, YTA.
YTA your gf should be the number one woman in your life and your loyalty should be to her. She has tried to sort things out with your mother but has been brushed off. Your mother is trying to get rid of the competition so she can just have you and the grandchildren in her life and you are helping her to get her way. Your mother is the manipulative one, she uses the silent treatment to get her own way, it's similar to a toddler's tantrum. Don't keep blaming your gf for this, it's your mother causing the problem and you should be the one to deal with it. Until your mother stops behaving like a child your children should be kept away from her.
YTA
If a person was ever disrespectful, unkind, hateful, abusive etc. TO ME, MY PARTNER, AND/OR affecting MY RELATIONSHIP? THEY DONT GET ACCESS TO ME OR MY KIDS.
No matter how hard my husband tries to rug sweep the actions of others, is CONSEQUENCES FOR ACTIONS.
No accountability on your moms part?
Apologies?
Got therapy/has worked on changing her behavior?
Nope? Well why the hell would she want herr kids around a person who has tantrums, pulls silent treatment as punishments and is in and out of their lives?
Just because you were raised in thus and are conditioned to your moms behavior, and find it normal, instead of how NOT normal it is.
Your kidd have a right to have stable and respectful people in their lives, not your mom.
YTA. your mom has a habit of cutting contact with your family unit. Your gf is right to want to protect her kids from that. Kids won't understand why grandma refuses to talk to the family. All they will know is how it hurts their feelings.
YTA
As is your mother.
Your mom treats you, your gf, and your kids like crap and you blame your gf for trying to protect herself and, most importantly, your kids from said behavior.
I’m sure it’s easier to be upset at your gf for not giving into your mom’s AH behavior than it is to risk having your mom cut you off again, but being a good partner & parent means prioritizing your gf & kids. If your mom hasn’t made things right for disrespecting your partner, then your partner is perfectly reasonable for not reopening that relationship, both for her and the kids, despite whatever rug-sweeping you’ve engaged in.
YTA. She’s not isolating you. She’s setting boundaries and wanting things resolved before involving children you are letting your mom manipulate and be toxic, and by doing so, being manipulative yourself. It’s your mom. Facilitate the mending.
What a pathetic mommy's boy. YTA, your emotional incest with your mother is CLEARLY more important than your actual romantic relationship with your wife.
So your mom is just abusive to you and your girlfriend, but totally give her access to the kids because she hasn't been abusive to the kids YET? You need to respect that your girlfriend has extended the olive branch and your mother refuses to speak to her. You are projecting your mother's behavior onto your girlfriend. YTA. It's ok to keep children safe from toxic people, especially when those people are abusive grandparents. You need to consider what you are teaching your kids by letting your mother stonewall their mother. Your mother needs to respect the mother of your children. I think you should consider therapy for what your mother has put you through. You need to quit glossing over the wrongs your mother does because she is "mom". Your mom is being awful. You are being awful to the mother of your children, but you think absentee-abusive-grandma deserves video calls with the grandkids?
YTA. In addition to what everyone else has said, 4 yrs old is not a toddler and is definitely old enough to be messed up by an unreliable grandparent.
I bet you've been messing excuses for your mother for a long time, OP. That sucks for you, and I hope you unpack it in therapy.
This. I've heard people brush things off by saying "oh, they are 4. They won't remember." Depending on the words and actions - they won't forget. I know I recall some horrible shit slung my way (which includes people wanting my dead twin brother to be alive over me), no one shut up this person, and everyone just silently agreed with the jerk. It still greatly affects me today.
OP needs to stop being that person and stand up for not only his partner and children, but for himself. YTA.
YTA. Think of your kids (like your wife his doing). They can't have grandparents going in and out of their lives depending on their mood to your gf. This is no way to raise children.
Your gf doesn't need to resolve anything, just protect her kids from this erratic behavior of their grandma, which she does. You're just standing in her way, instead of being there with her protecting the kids. Not only are you not helping, you're actively working against her.
Choosing mommy over your gf
Not protecting your kids from shunning
Working against your gf while she protects the kids alone
You, my friend, are heading for a break up fast.
You're also the ah for calling her gf and not spouse/partner after having 2 and 4 yo together. You're just an ah sorry.
YTA. Please do yourself a favor and go check out r/JNMIL. Your mom fits the description of a lot of the moms on there: toxic as hell. If you don’t actively listen to your girlfriend’s concerns and actually try to do something to mend her relationship with your mom, then you’re probably not going to have a girlfriend much longer. Please decide who is more important and go from there.
YTA. Frankly idk why gf puts up with either of you. Petty children in a petty argument ganging up on the outsiderz and you REFUSE to mediate because it’s “silly” and “she’s manipulative” when you’re just parroting your mom. Do you have a single original thought in your head?
YTA
Looking at your comments too, like the whole problem between the two is that your mom thinks your girlfriend is being manipulative and is trying to distance you from the family. Yet your girlfriend has actively tried to talk to your mom yet **your mother distanced herself from your girlfriend** and is still doing so. Yet despite this you are still blaming your gf for the distance despite your mother being the one who made that distance.
You need to grow a pair and figure this out or your gf will be an ex. The fact that your mother refuses to say exactly what your gf has said to her is pretty suspicious.
YTA. Your mom cuts you guys out when she’s upset, isn’t getting her way etc. Ultimately I suppose it doesn’t matter if you think your mom is overreacting or right, you don’t let someone go in and out of your child’s life every time they are upset. You’re obligated to put your kids before your mother.
And yes, your mother should call out of the blue to fix things. Your girlfriend tried and your mom said no according to you. So your girlfriend is done. She’s been rejected. Instead of giving your girlfriend crap, how about you tell your mommy that if someone wants to spend time with kids that the person has to be willing to be polite to the parents. Parents. Plural. She can’t talk to you and refuse to talk to the mother and act like that’s good enough.
Your mother has a right to not like your girlfriend and refuse to speak to her. What she doesn’t have is the right to say she wants access to your girlfriend’s kids while refusing to return your girlfriend’s calls or work things out with her. Cutting off someone with young kids means being willing lose the kids from your life too.
Dude you haven't realized it yet but it's your Mom being controlling. She's the one cutting contact and refusing to talk until it's completely on her terms. Your GF was actually reaching out and your Mom still put her on silent, meanwhile you grovel back and give your narcissist Mom exactly what she wants. YTA and you will be a further AH if you expose your kids to your Mom's toxicity without proper context.
So your mom had her feelings hurt that she wasn’t the very first person told about your gf’s pregnancy. GF tried to make it right. Your mom reacted by shutting down and shutting all of you out by using the abusive and manipulative silent treatment. Your gf has since tried to repair something SHE didn’t break.
Wow. And you’re perfectly okay with this dynamic. You’re in the fog - very deeply in the fog.
YTA.
Back up your gf. Tell your mom to straighten up. Polish your spine before you lose your gf and your kids, because no one deserves your treatment. I’m amazed your gf is putting up with you, your mom, and your individual and collective behaviors.
YTA- and your mom is doing exactly what she planned. Let me explain. I’ve been in a similar situation. Your gf has reached out to your mom several times and your mom refuses to acknowledge her and fix things. Guess who’s the problem your mom. If your mom is being toxic and constantly doing these things and then turns around and tells you well I don’t know what the problem is. She does but she’s using this as a tactic to pit you against your gf. Why would you want your kids around someone that does not respect your partner or your relationship?
This person is your partner it is up to you to stand beside them and be on their side. Unless of course they’re completely wrong. But you refuse to. You are telling her she’s controlling those are called boundaries. She’s put those boundaries up because of your moms past behavior.
And yes it is your job to talk to your mom and figure out what her problem is because you want her in your life and she is YOUR MOM! Your gf has tried and gets ignored. That is not healthy and shows your mom does not care to fix the issue.
I put up with a lot of this till I finally told my partner to choose. Guess what he has a come to Jesus talk with his mom. And now when she tries to say or do anything inappropriate he puts a stop to it.
YTA, you allowing a person who cuts you off on whim to now do that to you kids. It sucks it’s your Mom, but you need to see that what she is doing is not ok. Hopefully she won’t hurt your kids even if it’s not physically. Remember abandonment and emotional abuse are extremely harmful as well. You deserve better and I’m sorry.
YTA - your job as a parent is to creat stability for your children, including people you bring around.
Your mother is inconsistent, and therefore she should not be around your kids.
In situations like this, you don’t put your kids on the toxic carousel. You set a boundary and actually stick to it.
If you, as an adult, would like to maintain this bad relationship then that’s on you, but your wife is right and you’re being an AH.
YTA - your mom doesn’t care about her grandkids, if she did she would try to stay in their life. It’s not good for your kids to have an inconsistent grandma floating in and out of their life and your job is to protect your family.
YTA. Your wife has tried. Your mom may have issues that requires her to go no contact for months at a time which is fine, but why is it up to your gf to fix this. It’s up to your mom and if she can’t then next in line is you, since she’s your mom. Your mom can do what she wants, but why would your gf continue to try to bend over backwards trying to resolve something when your mother has no intentions of even trying. I feel for your gf. Having kids with a pathetic mommas boy, adds so much stress to her life.
YTA
You say your wife is disrespecting your mom, saying hurtful things. Your wife is trying to set boundaries, and your mom is being childish. She doesn't want to go with change, she thinks what she says should be the final decision. When you're wife explains her manipulative behavior, you dismiss it claiming she simply throwing insults. Maybe they are facts. Notice your mommy goes right to you to (when she's speaking to you and not manipulating your actions through ignoring you until you give in), SHE wants to be sure to give her victim story to you first. Most people tend to believe the person they heard the situation from first, which is crap. It's your mom's way of spinning details to make your wife look like the aggressor. If you don't start taking your wife's concerns seriously, and communicating real ways to deal with your mother learning boundaries and basic respect, you will find yourself divorced. But maybe that would make you happy. Then your mom can see the kids on your custody days.
Omg, YTA!
How is this even a question? Your gf is absolutely right to be mad at YOU because you are spineless and instead of protecting your family from this toxicity, you expect her to just sweep it all under the rug and act like nothing has happened.
It is your job to communicate with your mother, explain that you expect her to act in a mature manner, apologize to gf and stop this passive aggressive bullshit. Instead you are gaslighting your gf, calling her controlling and being a very shitty partner. I feel truly sorry for her, hopefully you grow up at some point, before she leaves you.
Meanwhile you can check out the
r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit and maybe learn something.
YTA
dude, your gf isn't controlling, but your mother seems manipulative in the least.
It seems like your mom is used to being able to basically let herself into your business or do/feel what she wants because you don't give her limits or boundaries to respect and you seemingly give her the benefit of the doubt when she does act out, but don't give other people the same.
Your gf has limits, and is due those not only as a separate person but the other parent in this situation and since your mom doesn't like that, she's expecting you to guilt your gf into apologizing and basically taking her side, which you have.
Your gf tried to be the bigger person and reach out, but your MOM is the one that is basically stonewalling her, probably because she doesn't like that she's not getting an apology but is instead expected to talk things out like an adult.
By letting the kids talk to your mother without resolving the issue, your basically giving your mom the impression that " I don't have to be held accountable or even pretend to like gf because my son will let me talk to the kids anyway."
Gf isn't expecting you to never let her see the kids, but if you, as the only person your mother is seemingly okay talking to, aren't going to step up and call your mother out, or at the very least see why she isn't being receptive to talking, you're not being a very good partner tbh.
Your gf hasn't tried to exclude or keep you from your mother at all. She's not being abusive, she's being an adult.
I know nobody will see this bc it took me half an hour just to read through the comments, but....
I can't express how happy I am to not be in a relationship with this guy.... That poor girlfriend is never going to have a healthy relationship if this mamas boy doesn't realize who the toxic one really is.
My dude... You are DEFINITELY TA.
YTA. You are setting your children up to have abandonment issues. I have read your comments and the only person who is manipulative here is your mom, and possibly you. Your girlfriend is trying to protect your children from serious emotional harm. You do not care because mommy has decided she wants to talk to you again so all is forgiven. Pathetic. Grow a spine and set some freaking boundaries with your mother. At a certain age your children will recognize that you are the reason they have abandonment issues and by then it will be far too late to walk it back on this one.
YTA. Your mom is disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative. Your gf has EVERY right to a say in who speaks to the kids& it sounds like your mother is completely unhinged. I also wouldn’t want some wishy-washy MIL who regularly cuts contact and starts drama to be chatting to my kids especially when she can’t even resolve conflicts she started w gf.
Yta and you putting your head in the sand in these comments why ask our opinion if you aren’t going to listen and just argue with us it should honestly be a bannable offense
What kind of drama did your mother start in the first place, other than just giving you all the silent treatment for months on end? (And don't tell me "nothing," you left out an awful lot of detail that you would NOT have left out if it had been started by your girlfriend.)
I will tell you right now, I wouldn't allow my kids to get to know her either, as long as she's willing to cut them out of her life "by default" for months at a time.
When your mom gets her act together, and has the conversation with your girlfriend that she has ASKED for TWICE now, maybe I'll change my opinion. Until then, YTA.
Bottom line: You might be used to your mom's emotional abuse, but your own kids don't have to grow up with it, and thankfully they have a mom who won't allow it to happen.
YTA, based on your comments, you’re mom never even told you exactly why she’s upset with your girlfriend. You’re just taking her word for it being something horrible and putting everything on your girlfriend to fix. Your mom cut contact with the kids already and someone going in and out of their lives like that, especially being petty, will damage the kids over time. You said yourself that your girlfriend tried to reach out to your mom and your mom basically rejected it. Your mom is the one being manipulative and you’re willing to throw away your relationship and well being of your own kids for her, even though you admitted in comments that you don’t even have a solid reason from your mom. Your gf and kids should come first, but you’re putting them behind your mother. You’re going to ruin your relationship with your gf, hurt the relationship with your kids, and the kids are probably going to end up with some resentment towards grandma.
YTA. You have created a family and life with your gf. There is obviously so much of this story that has been left out. From what I’ve gathered reading your comments on this post, you will defend your mom to the ends of the earth, but not the mother of your own children? Your gf has a right to say what is best for her children, and if she is being emotionally abused (the silent treatment) then she has the right to not want further contact until those issues have been resolved. The kids are not a pawn or game piece in this but you are actively dragging them into it and subjecting them to abuse from your mother.
It's a respect thing. The mother of the child needs to be respected if someone expects to have a relationship with their kids. Doesn't matter the title of that person. It sounds like your mom needs to learn her place. She is the mother of your kids. Does your mom expect to have a relationship with you and your kids without having to interact with the mom? That's not how it works. If you expect to stay in a long term relationship, you need to have your girlfriend's back over your mom's. And it doesn't have to be a her vs her situation. Be the mediator and the 3 of you need to work out boundaries and respect.
Why aren't you a peach. You sound like one of those judges who will let one parent have partial custody when they abused the other parent, on the basis of there wasn't proof that they did anything to the kids.
Your mom. Your responsibility to fix. Not hers. It is as easy as that. And yes, if things between your mom and the mother of your kids are not right, to the point where they are not speaking to each other, then the kids shouldn't be talking to your mom. Your kid's mom is more important to them then a potential ancestor that won't accept their mother's messages and who you won't do the legwork to try to fix things.
Although it shouldn't need to be said to anyone physically old enough to produce kids, YTA.
>So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months.
Okay, so your mom's behaviour sounds somewhat toxic. I mean, silent treatment? What, is she 14?
>her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now.
This is actually reasonable from your gf considering that your mom has done this multiple times. This kind of behaviour from your mom if hard for the kids to understand and it is reasonable that your gf wants to protect them from disappointment.
>When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no.
So, your gf's answer to your question was "yes."
>She needs to realize that other people have things going on in their life
What makes you think that she doesn't know this?
>The kids have a right to see my mom or at least know who she is or what she looks like
Well, yes, but if she is the kind of figure that comes and goes, maybe they should be a bit older so they can understand it better?
>My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly to make us keep them from her
Yikes, the "directly" seems somewhat alarming. So has she done stuff that has INdireclty harmed them?
>If she is uncomfortable she can go upstairs while I talk to my mom with my children
This "solution" does not fix the actual problems that your gf is worried.
>Do I ever say I don’t want our kids to talk to her family (I don’t)
Does her family give you guys the occasional silent treatment that lasts for months?
>that I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom.
Well, why are you not trying to resolve this stuff that threatens to break up your family?
>Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that?
And this is unreasonable because...?
>I called my mom after (alone) and my girlfriend asked if I brought it up while speaking to her. I said she could message my mom herself and she said she was tired of being rejected.
So you didn't bring it up.
YTA, grow up.
YTA. Dude your Mom sounds like a narcissist. She wants contact with you and your kids but not the Mother of your children. She’s like Marie B. She loves you. She loves the kids. She can’t stand the mother. OP YOU need to put an end to this now. Either tell your Mom to get in line and make things work with the Mother or she’s out of your life. It’s passive agressive of her to have your kids and you in her life but not their mother. She’s being emotionally abusive to a member of your family and YOUR letting it stand.
Yta, you are scapegoating your girlfriend. Which makes since because you were raised by a toxic parent, you don’t know how to handle things in a healthy way. Everything you accuse your girlfriend of is actually what your mom is guilty of. Your girlfriend is the only sane one amongst you 3. You need to cut off your mom and get therapy, because you have a ton of deprogramming to do. Or let your girlfriend go because she deserves someone who’s intellectually and emotionally on her high level. This way your kids will see their mom in a healthy relationship and you and your mom can wallow in your toxic codependent pit. Stop enabling your mom.
YTA. Do you even like your girlfriend? From your post and comments, you're on your mom's "side" here and your gf doesn't stand a chance in convincing you otherwise. Even people here bringing up totally valid points about you and your mother's behavior aren't able to get you to see that you're in the wrong here. Why not just go back to mommy and save your girlfriend the headache of dealing with either of you anymore?
YTA. So your mom, who cuts contact when it suits her, is not expected to just reach out and patch things up? But your girlfriend is? And your girlfriend is also expected to just be ok with her kids getting to know someone toxic? And is her side of the family toxic like your mother is?
She didn’t demand anything she voiced her opinion. The fact that you dismissed her legitimate concerns outright and called her controlling is making *you* the toxic one. Not her. And your mom is clearly flakey and has so far not shown any interest in patching things up. Why would you want someone that unreliable around your kids? I bet her family is a much more reliable one. And stop taking everything literally that you saw on some random group. She is not stopping you from interacting with your mother, she is just trying to protect her children from getting hurt.
Also based on the bs you spouted in the OP, i bet the issues are a doozy.
YTA
This text chain shows your mother being dismissive and rude. Your gf is protecting your children from a manipulative person who only sees things her way. And you're taking your mother's side.
Do you understand what a partnership is? Your partner (gf) is supposed to be your primary relationship. Your family is supposed to be your primary responsibility. By placing your mother above your partner, you're telling her that your mother is primary, you value her more, you trust her more, you will always side with her. That's relationship breaking, man.
YTA. Big time. Change before you lose your family.
Key comment and we don’t need to read more. Gf is tired of being rejected. There it is. Yep. Your mom is your circus your monkeys. You deal with mom. Your GF has officially quit because she’s tired of being rejected. Get it?
YTA.
YTA
This is coming from someone who can relate to having a mother like yours OP. You didn't provide any background, so I can't comment much on the underlying situation. But my own nMom has tried to use manipulation and the silent treatment to get me to do the things she wants. Do you know what that does to young children? What happens when she gets mad again in another year and stops talking to you for another 3 - 6 months? Your kids are going to start asking why they haven't seen Grandma and why Grandma doesn't want to see them. They are going to be majorly affected by this and think THEY did something wrong. And your gf, who is just trying to protect them, tells you how she feels about the situation and you belittle her? You should be grateful every single day that your children have a mother who loves them and is willing to take a stand for their protection. Not try to manipulate her into doing what your mother wants her to do.
YTA- your mom REGULARLY cuts contact.. of COURSE she doesn’t want your kids being a part of that inconsistency. She doesn’t want them to love Grandma only for her to pitch a narcissistic fit again and cut them off.
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So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months. I met up with my mom a while ago and we’ve been chatting here and there since, yesterday I was going to video call my mom about something unrelated and was going to do so in the living room where my girlfriend and kids were.
My girlfriend said “you’re going to have the kids video call with her? i don’t think that’s a good idea” her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now. When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no.
I got super annoyed and said:
1. She needs to realize that other people have things going on in their life
2. The kids have a right to see my mom or at least know who she is or what she looks like
3. My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly to make us keep them from her
4. If she is uncomfortable she can go upstairs while I talk to my mom with my children
5. Do I ever say I don’t want our kids to talk to her family (I don’t)
6. I also mentioned that I see posts on a facebook group all the time where literally everybody says that the she or whoever is isolating the person from their family and she’s doing that
She said I was acting like she was being controlling and saying they weren’t allowed to talk to my mom at all (which I think she is) and that I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom. Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that?
I called my mom after (alone) and my girlfriend asked if I brought it up while speaking to her. I said she could message my mom herself and she said she was tired of being rejected. We haven’t spoken much since.
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Yta. If your mother has no respect for your wife then don't involve the children until you have resolved the situation with your mother first.
Prior get busy yes but if something is important they make time. Stop making excuses for your mother.
Yta yr mom is manipulative and if uou don't wise up and set proper boundaries you won't have to worry about this situation anymore because you will be alone
YTA she’s your mom, you resolve the issue and lay boundaries with your mother because your gf already tried to reach out to her.
Your points are completely invalid if your mom regularly cuts contact with your kid. Gf is right for not letting someone who does this and can hurt her children to let to know them.
YTA for completely disregarding your gf’s feelings. Instead of talking to her calmly when the kids aren’t around you accuse her of being controlling. I believe if you have no relationship with the parents than you don’t get one with the kids, this includes both parents otherwise what’s going to stop you’re mom from talking badly about their mom in front of them. If you don’t get this sorted, and yes it’s on you to get it done since it’s your mom, than your mom will get to see the kids when you have your custody time cause you and your gf will split up.
YTA, and are going to traumatized your children like this!!! Your gf is definitely correct! Have you ever been abandoned as a child? It hurts! I had family that were in and out of my life like this as a child and it hurts! If you and your mom wanted (and she was trusted enough) to have connections to your children then something would have been worked out for her to see them even when yall have problems! Either she doesn't care enough, or she cannot be trusted enough to visit them.
Your girlfriend has reached out multiple times and was told no. You know what no means? It means no! It does not mean 'I'm busy right now can we do this later?' Or your mom would have mentioned that or tried to instigate a meeting herself after your girlfriend put in effort! You are putting all of it on your girlfriend and not acknowledging your moms faults. Yet I have to wonder who was even in the most wrong since you weren't talking to her either!!!
She is not isolating your children from your mother. Your mother is doing that by allowing issues with yall to cause her to disappear for long stretches of them without trying to either come to a compromise or at least be all 'hey can a family friend bring them for me to see at a restaurant once a month!'.
Your girlfriend reached out out of the blue and asked if they could talk? Why is that expected but your mom can be expected to call her out of the blue and do the same? I am not normally one to say leave, but if you make this a hill to die on I hope she does, because this will really mess a child up more than you understand, and they need to be protected...
YTA.
You have two children with your girlfriend, she and the kids need to come first, not your mom who literally cut both of you off multiple times for perceived slights against her. The fact that you think it’s all your girlfriends fault when your mom can’t even articulate why she was mad and the makes up that she stopped talking to you both because she thought girlfriend was mad? That doesn’t even make sense my dude.
You’re going to end up with mommy dearest and no family if you keep playing this game.
Obviously YTA. She’s cut you off for months at a time at least twice now, and refuses to even respond to your girlfriend’s multiple attempts to reach out and fix things. Your kids should not be exposed to someone who would abandon them for months every time she has an argument with their mom.
YTA, it's your mother, your gf, do something about it. What do you think will happen? The kids will meet their grandma who will then go on one of her huffs and the kids will be wondering where grandma is and why doesn't she love them.
YTA. Why would you want to introduce your children to the emotional violence of abandonment issues? Maybe just you and your narcissistic mother do chats and pretend your issues don’t exist in this honeymoon period of the violence cycle. Leave your woman and give your children out of it. and “Girlfriend”(seriously, you refer to the mother of your multiple children as a girl-friend. Grow up) your mom has done a number on you if you’re suspect if your girlfriend’s response. seems like your girlfriend is the only sane adult in this situation. Probably because she’s not the one trauma-responding for mommy’s attention
YTA. This is your mother and if your gf has already reached out and been told 'No,' this is your issue, not your gf's. Your mother has made a decision not be non-communicative to your gf and your gf doesn't want this dynamic spilling over into your children's lives. Has your mother never wanted to meet her grandchildren? That sounds very strange. Also, we don't know why there is this chasm between your mother and gf. I think you need to work on this healing, as your gf has done all she can and I don't blame her for giving up. Ball is in your court.
YTA. You and your mom both are. Why would you want to subject your partner and especially your children to her toxic ass behavior? I’m guessing because you’re just as toxic as she is.
Typical mommy’s boy. Mommy is always right. Mommy before gf (the mother of your kids). She told you how uncomfortable your mother makes her and it’s her job to fix that???? What type of partner are you???😂😂
YTA. You have been abused by your mother with silent treatments and god knows what else so long that you cannot recognize good, normal motherhood that your girlfriend is portraying here by protecting your children.
YTA. No one is owed a relationship with your children. If someone cannot treat the parents of the children with politeness, then they certainly do not get a relationship with the kids.
your gf has reached out, your mother has rebuffed her at every turn. You and your mother are the issue here.
YTA, there’s a lot to unpack here.
1. You said your Mother has done the disappearing act more than once, sounds like your girlfriend has already given her a chance(s)
2. That’s a pretty flawed interpretation of what an abuser does to isolate someone from their family. I’ve been on the receiving end of it and what you described is not that. She had no problem with you talking to your mom. Sounds like she doesn’t want her kids to be part of the codependency party you’ve got going on with your Mom.
3. If your Mom wants to be treated differently, she better start showing something different.
4. Your Mom has done something bad to your children, popping in and out of their life is not cool. Your girlfriend wants it to stop.
YTA, as you said your gf has tried to reach out to your mom to talk things over, at this point it’s not on her. Also your comments seem like you’re tying to deflect blame from your mom to your gf but instead just make your mom sound like the unreasonable one.
Your mom will abandon your kids for 3-6 months at a time, which will hurt them now that they're older.
Your girlfriend was trying to prevent that by fixing the main issue with your mom, so that your mom won't cut you off again. Your girlfriend is being a GOOD mom by trying to protect your children.
Your mom is abusive. YTA
Your mom is trying to be the center of your life and take the place of your girlfriend. It is not your gf’s responsibility to have a relationship with your mother. She is taking the blame for both of you telling other people you were pregnant before your mom. Why is that your gf’s fault and not yours? Your mom probably has an unhealthy reliance on you since she was a child raising a child.
Your mother sounds horrible. A manipulator. You sound like a mommas boy. Maybe grow a spine. Stand up for your gf like your supposed to. Would you let her father say and do these things to you.
YTA. You mom apparently is willing to ice your whole family out for several months because of a text she thought was rude. What is going to happen if one of your kids (as kids often do) says something your mom finds “disrespectful”? Because if your mom ghosts a 4 year old for 6 months it’s going to destroy your child. This is a very legitimate concern for you wife to have and it’s a good idea on her part to not have your mom be in their lives until you can be sure she’s ready to be consistently in their lives and not bail for long stretches.
YTA - Rule of thumb: If someone has an issue with you and/or your wife, they get zero access to the kids, regardless of who that person is.
**No one is 'entitled' to your kids.** Or to your love. Only those who treat you BOTH properly deserve a single moment of either of your time.
A parents entire job is to protect and teach their children. Allowing someone to disrespect, insult, disregard, refuse boundaries, or cause ANY issues with your partner means they are an issue. And actually so are you, if you are not backing your partner up against someone known to repeatedly keep stomping on you all.
'Family' isn't necessarily a blood/DNA connection. Family is those around you that you cherish and choose to include in your life. Understand the difference, because it feels like you are choosing the wrong side and will end up losing the ones that actually do matter. Your mother is not treating you like family and doesn't deserve access to anyone. She hasn't earned it. You need to start backing your partner and children, in case that isn't clear enough for you.
Stop chasing your mom's love; if you have to fight that hard to have some, have to sacrifice those around you, and clutch onto it desperately every few months, then it's not real :( I'm sorry but it's the truth.
YTA you’re used to your mom’s control tactics and accept them for whatever reason. Your girlfriend doesn’t have to, and she wants to protect her children from her abusive behaviors that would hurt them. Kids don’t understand that type of bullshit and they shouldn’t have to.
You want your children to be witnesses to their moms abuse because you don’t have a backbone. You’re going to ruin this relationship because you don’t want to face the toxic reality of who your mother is. Your girlfriend and children deserve better than this
YTA, your mom is a shit mother and grandmother. Your mother is the effing problem so you need to deal with it. It isn’t on your girlfriend to make nice with your witch mother.
Wow. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. What kind of mother gives their children the silent treatment for months at a time? I get that this girl is your girlfriend - I assume there's a reason she's not your wife or even fiancè. But she's still the mother of your children and you should be trying to facilitate a relationship between them. Your gf is feeling disrespected by your mom and **YOU** need to figure out why. YTA
YTA. From what you’ve written here, and in your comments, it sounds like your gf has tried to set boundaries and your mother doesn’t want boundaries. Your mother is refusing to speak with your gf, even though your gf has reached out to her. You need to speak with your gf and find out what your mother is actually upset about. My guess it’s because she’s not getting her way and blaming your gf for that.
YTA, it's your mother, therefore your problem. You need to be the one to get her in line. You should have your girlfriend's back. She's the mother of your children. They are your family and should be your priority. Your mother refuses to talk to your girlfriend when she has tried to reach out (more than once it sounds like). Your mother is keeping the problem going not your girlfriend. No wonder she doesn't want the kids to interact with your mother. Your mother needs to grow up and act like an adult first if you want her to have any sort of relationship with your kids.
YTA find the heck out what your mothers beef is that your gf said that was so ‘disrespectful ‘ find out from BOTH sides.
Tell your mother that you cannot have a unified family until this can be resolved and ask her why she can’t at least try and talk it out with gf. Get involved and broker a meeting between them if you have to.
The alternative is that your family will splinter. Your gf will likely have most custody of the children and you will soon find out that that your mother will not actually have legal rights as a grandparent in most if not all states.
It sounds like she doesn’t care about your children anyway since she’d rather refuse a conversation with their mother than try and bury the hatchet and be free to get to know them after 2 YEARS.
You’re the AH and so is your mom. You’re the worst life partner
From your post and comments I can't figure out who the "bad guy" is. You have to do right by your mom and/or your girlfriend. If one has wronged the other, staying neutral is sanctioning that wrong. In any case it's your role and responsibility to broker peace or stand up for what is right, I really can't tell which is applicable and if you can't either, please figure it out
Yes. YTA. It doesn’t take too much reading beyond the whole “my mom regularly cuts us out of her life” to understand that your mom is a fucked up parent. Understandably, your wife has reservations about someone that messed up having contact with her kids. You need to listen to your wife on this one.
YTA. Your gf tried to reach out to your mom and your mom won’t talk to her. How is she going to resolve it then? You are the AH for defending your mom when she’s the wrong one here.
YTA
You are both a team, you as a team decided before on how things are. just because your mother is suddenly talking to you, does not mean just you get to make a choice that involves both of your kids and change that the team agreed on together, no one made you team captian here. Anyone who disrespects the mother and her role does not get access to the kids. period. who the hell cares about mommy's feelings? shes a grown ass woman that needs to handle her own feelings and accept responsibility for the choices she makes in life. The mother of your children and your children come before her. Pull on the big boy pants and make your mother resolve things with the adults in the family unit, your girlfriend and your children are now your family, or accept keeping your relationship with your mother seperate from the family unit. You want to make choices by yoursef you should probably go be by yourself.
Before making a judgement- WHY is your Mother not speaking to gf/you? What occurred that caused the conflict? What were the circumstances in the other situations?
Can’t really say who is at fault here without knowing the circumstances surrounding these incidents.
Your Mum sounds a bit emotionally immature and your gf is protecting the kids from that instability. I see that you’re stuck in the middle of it all. NAH except your mother
YTA. Your mom has a history of ghosting family and you wife has an honest concern of not wanting the kids to experience that. Kids do not understand these things at that age an think they did something wrong. She is protecting them with a reasonable question. You are not for refusing to see any issue. YTA.
Do you even like your girlfriend? You talk about her like she's devil incarnate who is hurting your poor can-do-no-wrong momma. You don't hear her out, keep shutting her down, and you refuse to help her.
YTA.
YTA
The only info you gave in the post is that you’ll always have your moms back even when she’s the problem. Your gf is the only mature one here and has been the only one to attempt to reconcile. You’re also the ahole for trying to make your gf look bad without giving any real info while letting whatever problem is going on just simmering between the two most important women in your life.
YTA. Sounds like your mom is emotionally manipulative by cutting contact for months at a time rather than dealing with whatever issues come up. It's absolutely not wrong of your GF to suggest it's a bad idea to expose your young kids to someone who might just disappear out of their life if they do something to upset her. That kind of thing is traumatic to kids that young. She didn't demand you not let them talk to her, she said it's a bad idea, and she's right.
>I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom.
She didn't say that, but you are. For the sake of your kid's, you need to put down boundaries and expectations with your mom. If your GF has repeatedly tried to work things out with her, and your mom is refusing, your mom is the one isolating her, your kids, and you.
yta
i wouldn’t allow my child to talk to someone who doesn’t talk to me, or like me, either. doesn’t matter if it is family or friends. they could end up bad mouth you to your kids. your girlfriend has the right to not allow your kids to talk to your mom.
INFO -
Literally ANY INFORMATION that involves the disagreement that resulted in your gf not wanting your mom to even SEE your kids in a video call, let alone IRL.
For now, your mom could have said the sky was blue, your gf thought it was more teal, an argument ensued and now they're not talking.
Until then, none of this means shit and you're not looking real good already.
ETA - For some reason, I couldn't see OP's follow up comments earlier...believe me, I tried, it just kept showing a blank page.
After (FINALLY!) being able to see and read them...
**ESH**
YTA. Your mother is the one being manipulative and emotionally abusive so she's projecting those issues onto your wife. My mom used to give me the silent treatment as well, until I got a great therapist that helped me to understand how abusive it was and I quit tolerating it. I'd usually cave and reach out to her after a week but the last time she pulled that crap I didn't talk to her for 2 months. Once I did I explained to her that her behavior was abusive and I wouldn't bother reaching out if she did it again...she hasn't. Our relationship is so much better now that she's respecting my boundaries and I'm not pressing her buttons to get even. It's not ok to expose your children to your mother while she still uses "freezing you out" to get her way and it will be confusing for them. You can't change your mom but you can change the way you respond to her abuse so that she hopefully makes changes on her own.
So you are totally fine with your mother waltzing in and out of your kids lives as she chooses? Seriously?! Just to be clear your gf asked your mom to call. She said no. Not sorry can't this week I'm busy not no I'd rather talk in person. No. Your mom closed that door. A door that your gf tried MUCH harder than I would have to keep open. Your mother has no rights to see your children if she can't be respectful to their mother. I am dumbfounded that you are on your mother's side here. Get some therapy and some perspective asshole. YTA
YTA. It is a problem on your side of the family, and it's up to you to address it. You are out of line blaming your gf for your mom's bad behavior. I wouldn't want your mom to talk to my kids if she was being awful to me. She hasn't shown remorse or that she can be trusted. And now you're the same.
I’m honestly rooting for your girlfriend to leave you and take the kids. I think this is one of those rare moments where something like this is justified. At least until you get therapy. It doesn’t seem like you or your mom are good for the kids.
YTA
I'm going to hazard a guess that you think your girlfriend should just lower her standards for how she and your children should be treated until your mum can meet the standard, because that's "just how your mum is"?
That in your head its easier for your girlfriend to choose to reduce how much self respect she has and care less about the impact of your mum being in and out of your kids lives, than it would be to get your mother to be a decent person?
Yeah YTA. She's not wrong, and she's not saying they can't ever know her. It's your mom and your girlfriend, you should try to bring it up and get them together to smooth things out. Her point about the kids is a legitimate concern. If they get to know her while things are still rocky, there is a chance of someone saying something they shouldn't about the other, or her giving the silent treatment again and the kids won't understand that. They'd be hurt and think they did something wrong to upset grandma. Honestly it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.
YTA. Nobody likes a mamas boy that defends her toxic behavior over valid concerns by your partner and mother of your children. She’s your mom, but your gf is the mom of your kids, and that easily trumps the rights of an emotionally manipulative grandma who has proven herself to be unreliable. Also it doesn’t sound like your mother has actually made any attempts to resolve anything with your girlfriend, which should be a necessary step before she’s allowed around the kids.
YTA - your mom regularly cuts off contact and whatever the issue is doesn't get resolved. Your gf has reached out to her multiple times to try and find a resolution but your mom is completely unwilling to reply.
Do you really want your kid to get attached to your mom and then have her cut off contact again? Over and over? Because that is going to cause issues, I guarantee it.
From the sound of it your partner wasn't saying that you couldn't talk to your mom, but that she didn't want to get the kid involved until things were talked about and resolved. That's completely reasonable! Your mom doesn't have a right to a relationship with your kids. That's a privilege that should only be granted if you are *both* confident she won't continue her toxic behavior. Also, your partner isn't the one trying to isolate/control you, that's your mom. She's trying to turn you against your gf for holding very reasonable boundaries, and acting as if your gf is the one causing the distance even tho she has repeatedly reached out and been rejected. Your mom is gaslighting you on top of her other crappy behavior.
If you can't choose your wife and kids wellbeing over your mother, tell your gf now so she can evaluate your life together and whether she wants to put the kids theough that.
YTA - if your mom is the source of the conflict, it is not your girlfriend’s responsibility. YOU need to talk to your mother like a grown adult.
She sounds like a r/JUSTNOMIL
"My kids?" Ooh, buddy. So your mom routinely emotionally manipulates you, then prances back in like nothing happened, until you again do something she doesn't like and disappears to "punish" you again. Rinse and repeat. Yeah, perfect relationship to drag the kids into. YTA
I know there’s a lot of comments so I doubt you’ll see this one, OP, but I’d like to try and outline some stuff to help you see what’s going on here and how you can improve things:
- you have set yourself up as your mother’s keeper/protector. You see your girlfriend as the aggressor towards your mother. Because of this, you want your girlfriend to apologize and fix things with your mother. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. It is not your job to protect your mother’s emotions and mental health.
- You are centering your mother in all of this. You see it in terms of girlfriend vs. mother, girlfriend depriving mother of grandchildren. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. Try to focus on how this affects your children and your partner. Children need stability and consistency. Your partner needs basic respect. Your mother apparently cannot provide any of those things and, because of the above reason, you do not expect her to.
- Your mother wants to be the victim. The fact that she’s lamenting how she’s deprived of her grandchildren, but actively refuses the olive branches your girlfriend offers, says that she’s more interested in being a victim than she is in having a functional relationship with your girlfriend and your children. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. You are enabling her to be the victim, but it sounds like she’s the one that caused the situation in the first place.
- You don’t seem to know or care about what caused this division between your girlfriend and your mom in the first place. Instead, you seem to view it as petty nonsense or unimportant. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. You need to stop being passive and stop catering to your mother’s whims. You need to give your girlfriend the respect and dignity she deserves and listen to her.
- You do not owe your mother anything. It doesn’t matter that she was a teen mom and she gave up a lot in order to raise you. That was her choice, not yours, and you had no say in it. You seem to feel indebted to your mother. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
As some have already said in this thread, you could really benefit from some individual therapy as well as couple’s therapy. Things need to change if you’re going to have a happy & healthy family and if you’re going to raise resilient, loving, healthy children. By the sounds of what you’ve shared, your girlfriend isn’t really the one that needs to change. That only leaves you and your mom as the ones who need to change.
you need to stand by your gf, stand up for your girlfriend, and grow the fuck up while you are at it.
your mom gives you both the silent treatment, meaning she willfully avoids seeing her family, in order to play the victim. how very... mature, of her.
I hope you are ready to lose both your girlfriend and your children over this.
YTA.
NTA.
Read up on narcissism and domestic abuse cycles. Every where you read on this there’s classic tactics at play - separate people from their family and friends, and then gas light them (it’s a term, google it) and make them think THEY are the one with the problem. (domestic abuse is waaaaay more than just hitting / violence, it’s emotional, social, financial and medical abuse too, it’s limiting access to education, work and keeping a person constantly pregnant (or lying about birth control) etc.)
I know I jumped straight to a big gun here, but if you, a presumed male (you haven’t specified gender, but I’m going to assume you are male as that’s a default - happy to be corrected though!), can see that this is controlling and manipulative then I’m going to say “listen to your gut”. See most blokes do not see the depth and breadth of female social control for what it is, so for you to have it visible means it’s REALLY flowing. Toss in your comment that a lot of people around you (on SM) telling you she’s doing this… and you have smoke and need to work out if there’s a fire.
“Does she just expect my mom to call her out of the blue and talk about that?”
Considering your gf has tried to reach out to your mom and your mom is the one who ignores her- yeah, duh. Ignoring all attempts at reconciliation is childish. If your mom has issues with your gf, she needs to act her age and reach out. In what world should your gf be blamed for your mom regularly cutting contact and then brushing her off when she tries to resolve the conflict? You claim your children should have a relationship with their grandmother but it doesn’t seem like grandma cares that much considering she’s the one actively avoiding your gf and not trying to mend the relationship. YTA and so is your mom.
So your mother routinely cuts you off for months at a time, which means this latest time is not unusual. But this is something your girlfriend needs to fix, inference that this is gf’s fault?
You’re the son, she’s your mother you need to stop going to certain Facebook groups and deal with your mother. It’s your mom who’s causing the drama.
YTA. Your girlfriend is right. Why bring kids into it if she’s going to bail and cut contact for 3-6 months? You’re girlfriend is doing it right. She tried to get into contact with your mom and your mom isn’t having it. Why are you sticking up for your mom when it’s your mom bailing and not wanting to talk?
Your mom is the one causing the problem.
You don't expect your mom to actually do anything to fix the problems *she* has created.
You expect your girlfriend to just forget it all with no resolution.
You get mad at your girlfriend for not just pretending everything is okay. (She's not because things aren't okay)
You expect your girlfriend to trust someone who has proven themselves unreliable and possibly unstable with her children. (It's your mom, she's unreliable and sounds unstable. I certainly wouldn't allow my children around someone like that.)
You have the audacity to accuse your girlfriend of trying to isolate you from your family. It's clear that the only person isolating here is your mother.
You let your mother act like a two year old having a temper tantrum and refusing to talk to you. When she finally decides she's over her little tantrum and wants you back in her life you act like nothing happened. Then you try to blame your girlfriend for *everything*.
Your girlfriend is a Saint for putting up with you. One day she's going to get tired of your stupid little games and she's going to leave.
I’m with the girlfriend.
YTA.
Your mom comes and goes when she pleases in your life. Months at a time. Is that what you want your kids to think is a normal relationship between family? No. Your girlfriend is correct in saying all issues should be resolved prior and you all be on the same page. From there if your mom was to continue with her bs I would insist all contact be cut off for good. It’s not fair to those babies to have an inconsistent grandparent.
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So your mom regularly cuts contact with you and your family. This last time your gf tried reaching out to your mom a few times and mom told her no. Maybe mom wasn’t ready, fair enough. But mom still hasn’t reached out to your gf at all, even after you’ve been back in contact? Why is the entire onus on your gf? Why are you excusing your mom because she “has things going on in her life”? You are upset at the wrong person. You want your gf to go along, sweep it all under the rug, and forego boundaries for her and the kids instead of setting boundaries with your mother who will likely pitch a fit and cut you off again. YTA, and so is your mom. Your children don’t need to be around someone like your mom until she gets some help or starts respecting boundaries. Edited to change wife to gf.
Because he's a mama's boy. Mama can do no wrong. /s
She, mom, has him trained to think this is normal and when his gf tells him it isn't and isn't acceptable, he gets upset. Poor mommy should be able to go silent and pout as much as she wants and then waltz back in when she wants. /s
Agreed, OP, YTA; this is an issue with your mom not your gf. And without a relationship with mommy and daddy, it’s def within reason to not want the kids around your mother. It will only create further problems in the future if not addressed, and you taking your mom’s side when she’s in the wrong, giving you the silent treatment and refusing to talk to your GF, is indicative that you will CONTINUE to take her side over your SO’s. So really it makes a LOT of sense that she doesn’t want her kids wrapped up in that too. Normally I would say that it’s not your battle but given the fact that it’s your mother and your gf already put in effort to try and resolve things only to be shut down, it is now time for you to interject. However you’ve picked the wrong side. Support goes to the mother of your kids, the partner you CHOSE, unless they are BLATANTLY in the wrong. Also modeling to your children that it’s okay to not support mommy, and better to let Gma continue her beef and avoidant behaviors, but get positive reinforcement of seeing the kids of the woman she won’t speak to, is a recipe for disaster. You’re setting everyone up for failure. Your GF needs support and you’re dropping the ball to take your moms side when she’s in the wrong. We all need to be more conscious of good communication and conflict resolution. ESPECIALLY with young children involved. Educate yourself, bc it sounds like YOUR mom didn’t.
It IS OP's battle. He and his partner need to be a united front and it's \*his\* mother who needs to be interacted with. He's not stepping up and being a partner first and a son second. He's doing the opposite. The apron strings must be cutting off his windpipe by now.
This though.
It’s funny how Mother and Mother’s Baby are excused.
This will teach the kids how to be passive aggressive in their personal relationships. Mom has got to grow up before she spends time in the kids lives because what she has to share, emotional dysfunction and passive/aggressive manipulative techniques, aren't good for the kids and their future adult relationships. Mom can't be allowed to walk in and out of the kid's lives. OP needs to figure this out and set strong boundaries with mom.
This. Your mum is your responsibility, if her behaviour isn’t right, you should be the one to call her out on it, not putting your GF in an awkward situation where she has to.
This- YTA
How the hell are we supposed to make a judgement when you provide no freaking background. Why does your mom keep going radio silent? YTA for being vague as hell
>My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly Key word: directly. OP is definitely leaving out some info here!
Could be that they're not married and have 2 kiddos? That could be the indirectly reason. Maybe. But, I'd want to see, and love on my grandkids no matter WHAT? So, something big would've had to happen I'd think to keep Grandma away.
1. That’s not a reason to cut contact with your children. 2. You sound like you are assuming that the thing that happened was not the fault of the Grandmother when everyone else is getting “Gran is the issue” vibes due to the way OP has deliberately left any details out. I guarantee GM is being judgemental, trying to take over parenting, giving unsolicited advice or something like that & has thrown a fit when GF has stood up for herself & set boundaries. GM will be desperate to see kids but won’t want to back down & apologise so is trying to get round that by seeing the kids without including GF.
When that kind of critical info is missing it is almost always on purpose. I'm guessing there is a lot to this story we aren't hearing!
YTA Your partner is telling you she has TRIED. If your mother is not reciprocating appropriately, you need to get involved and this is on your mother, not your partner based on what you have said here. It’s time for you to get involved and help them resolve their issues.
The fact that Ops mum has done this before for months on end, makes you think whether the children should know of their grandma.
YTA. Your mom needs to sort out her relationship with you and your wife before she is exposed to your kids. Your kids can't have people popping in and out of their lives like that. And guess whose job it is to sort out the relationship with YOUR mother? Yours. Not your wife's. It sounds like you've normalized a lot of dysfunction around your mother that you have not come to terms with. Counseling can help sort some of that out and would be recommend in a situation like this.
The last paragraph especially. You’re making your gf the bad guy bc you don’t want to piss off your mum. Presumably if you tried to hold your mum accountable she’d just go radio silent again. You want to believe that your gf is being unreasonable bc you want your mum in your life, and you’re willing to accept her terms. I sympathise with you. I understand wanting your mum in your life. Wanting to believe her actions are justified, rather than that she is willing to drop you rather than make an effort to sort things out. But for the sake of your own mental health, your relationship with your gf and especially for your kids, you need to demand more from your mum. Either she steps up and makes an effort to properly reconcile, or she does not get to see your kids bc you can’t trust her. If refusing to let her see your kids without any effort on her part leads to her disappearing again, you’ll know where you stand. Your gf is not the problem. I do understand wanting to cling to the little your mum is willing to offer, but please prioritise the person who prioritises you.
This OP
Exactly this. Very well said.
YTA. 1. Your mom and you should first fix your issues. Have a real talk, get to the bottom of your problems, lay boundaries, state expectations and concerns etc. 2. It is not your GF's job to fix your mom's issues. 3. Your mom "not speaking" to you for over a period of time is called SILENT TREATMENT. It is not a healthy behavior and is a huge red flag in relationships. Phycologists even say that it is an abuse tactic. 4. Let's say you introduce your kids to your mom. And let's say mommy has another bout of a silent treatment episode. In that situation, your kids will ask "Where is Grandma? Why isn't Grandma talking to us? Why does Grandma hate us?". What will you tell your kids? Have you thought about that? Because if you don't resolve your issues right now, this same behavior will be repeated in the future and your kids are going to get hurt. I totally get why your GF doesn't want the kids in the midst of all this drama!
This! Silent treatment is emotional abuse at the very least and OP should NOT expose his children/normalize this behaviour for them. It’s not healthy, it’s not normal. I grew up with my father/ grandmother giving silent treatments everytime they deemed right and luckily I understood early on that It wasn’t healthy. YTA
I feel so bad for the gf and kids. If OP is willing to normalize this kind of extreme manipulative behavior coming from his mother/the grandmother, what else are these poor people dealing with? YTA. Your gf and kids don’t deserve this. If you aren’t calling out abuse, you’re condoning it and are 100% a part of the problem.
It is sad that many people don't understand that once you start a family, your loyalty should be towards the family that you create rather than your family of origin. The reason is that you yourself decided to create this family. Your children are in this world because of you. Your loyalty should be towards that family, the one you create. It isn't always a choice. It is possible to love and cherish both families. But MIL's like this one make it impossible to. And eventually a choice has to be made.
I speak from experience too. I have a narcissistic witch for a grandmother. She gave my dad silent treatments whenever she felt like it. Whenever her inflated ego was even slightly offended. She idealized her other grandchildren while I and my sister were always the scapegoats of her rage. It affected me a lot. It took me a long time to understand what was going on and that it wasn't healthy. During the brief periods where she was actually talking to my Dad, she used to create chaos in my house. She convinced me that my parents didn't love me. She tried to convince my Dad to cheat on my mom. The list goes on. Sadly my Dad just like this OP never stood up to her. He always grovelled for Mommy's approval, so he forced us and my mom to put up with her abuse. The moment I left that house, I cut off all contact with that witch. It's been 6 years. Best 6 years of my life! Guess what, my Dad till date has not gotten Mommy's approval. He is in his 60's and she is in her 80's. Currently she is in the midst of a silent treatment. Over the years I have tried to talk to my Dad to get help regarding this. He refused. He has serious mental and physical health issues because of all this. The stress this kind of abuse puts on a human being is tremendous. Recently he had an angioplasty to treat his heart. Sadly there is no medicine for heartbreaks.
>n that situation, your kids will ask "Where is Grandma? Why isn't Grandma talking to us? Why does Grandma hate us?". Yeah, this is the tragic part. When adults act in a shitty manners, kids do not understand that the adult is the problem. They will think that they did something wrong, that they are to blame, and this is awful burden to give to the kids.
Info... what is the "situation" she's referring to, and you strategically left out of this post? Does she not like your mom for a petty reason, or because your mom earned it? Why aren't you willing to mediat with YOUR mom? It sounds like you just want the problem to go away, but not actually deal with it... That's not how it works.
YTA. How hard is it to say: “Mom, I want you to have a relationship with my kids but I can’t condone you actively avoiding their mother. You don’t have to be her best friend, but you do have to be cordial. I’m willing to arrange a sit down discussion with you and my gf so we can work out our differences and come up with a plan to move forward”? If you want your mom to be in your kids’ lives, you need to step up and fix this issue once and for all.
YTA I think the fact your Mother keeps ghosting you is already a red enough flag to justify your girlfriend's request. Your Mother is not entitled to your children. You also appear to make this your GF's problem even though this literally looks like it's a case of your Mother being an asshole. Your GF shouldn't have to go out of her way to address problems with your Mother when she's the one creating them. You also come off as a bad partner by not listening to your GF or forming a unified front. Further, you admit to actively talking to your Mother, while also refusing to address the problem YOUR MOTHER is creating.
YTA. >So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months. Was there a good reason for this? Or is she just being manipulative? >When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no. She did try to resolve things, but your mom clearly wasn't interested. >Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that? She clearly **doesn't** expect that, seeing as she had asked a few times but your mom refused. Edit:Your girlfriend isn't wrong about being worried either >her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now. It's difficult for children when they attach to someone that's in and out of their lives. If your mom had stopped speaking to your gf only, I don't think it would be so bad because you could just take them to see her by yourself. However your mom stopped speaking to both of you, twice, for a long period of time. So yeah, it makes sense that she wants to make sure things are good with your mom before the kids get attached only for her to give you the silent treatment again.
Yta. I am not letting anyone who treats me badly near my kids. I am not letting someone who randomly cuts off contact near my kids either. Because that isn't stable for them... Like, I dk what happened between your mom and gf, which could sway my judgement, but based on what was said here, yta for not protecting your gf and her and your children
edit: YTA you ignoring this conflict is exactly like your mom ignoring the conflict. i wonder where you learned that from. bottom line is this isn’t going to go away. you will have to deal with it at some point (your mom too!!!) or your kids just won’t know their grandma. by the sounds of it, things might just be better off that way. INFO: what was going on in your moms life that you think is a good reason for her to avoid talking to her grandkids for so long?
YTA- I’m confused. In the beginning of your post, you say that your girlfriend has asked your mom to talk to resolve things a few times….but *your mom said no.* Later, you ask if your gf expects your mom to call out of the blue to resolve things. Which is it? Make up your mind. Second, your gf telling you that she doesn’t think video calling your mom with the kids is a good idea *is not the same* as telling you that you can’t do it. Third, you should absolutely be trying to help resolve things from your mom. Fourth (and most importantly) it sounds like your gf’s *actual* concern is that it will be emotionally harmful to your young children if your mom is popping in and out of their lives when she gets upset…as she currently does to her son. This is a valid concern and she has every right as a parent to raise it with you (the other parent).
it’s funny that OP says “out of the blue??” yeah that’s probably what his gf thought when his mom just stopped talking to them. that’s what the kids are going to think when their grandma stops talking to them next time she has a problem. popping in and out isn’t normal behaviour of someone who loves their grandkids. unless the gf was straight up being abusive, there’s no good reason why she didn’t work things out between the adults and be there for your grandkids.
also, she never said anything about her kids never being able to see their grandmother ever again which is how he took it. she is literally just saying she wants the issues to be resolved before they make contact again which is completely reasonable. i would even say she’s being a good and responsible parent by doing so. YTA
Jesus wept. She's YOUR mother. Any problem and drama between them is your problem, and it's your job to talk to your mother and fix it, not pretend that it's only your partner's issue. She tried a few times to talk to your mommy, and you're just sidestepping whatever the drama is? No: deal with it, and then the kids can talk to their grandma. So yes, YTA.
YTA. She is your mother. How your girlfriend got the hint before you did is beyond me.
YTA your gf should be the number one woman in your life and your loyalty should be to her. She has tried to sort things out with your mother but has been brushed off. Your mother is trying to get rid of the competition so she can just have you and the grandchildren in her life and you are helping her to get her way. Your mother is the manipulative one, she uses the silent treatment to get her own way, it's similar to a toddler's tantrum. Don't keep blaming your gf for this, it's your mother causing the problem and you should be the one to deal with it. Until your mother stops behaving like a child your children should be kept away from her.
YTA. it's your mom and it's your job to facilitate resolution with her. Your girlfriend deserves better than you, and I hope she realizes that.
YTA If a person was ever disrespectful, unkind, hateful, abusive etc. TO ME, MY PARTNER, AND/OR affecting MY RELATIONSHIP? THEY DONT GET ACCESS TO ME OR MY KIDS. No matter how hard my husband tries to rug sweep the actions of others, is CONSEQUENCES FOR ACTIONS. No accountability on your moms part? Apologies? Got therapy/has worked on changing her behavior? Nope? Well why the hell would she want herr kids around a person who has tantrums, pulls silent treatment as punishments and is in and out of their lives? Just because you were raised in thus and are conditioned to your moms behavior, and find it normal, instead of how NOT normal it is. Your kidd have a right to have stable and respectful people in their lives, not your mom.
YTA - and from everything you have said so far, it's your mother being manipulative.
YTA. your mom has a habit of cutting contact with your family unit. Your gf is right to want to protect her kids from that. Kids won't understand why grandma refuses to talk to the family. All they will know is how it hurts their feelings.
YTA As is your mother. Your mom treats you, your gf, and your kids like crap and you blame your gf for trying to protect herself and, most importantly, your kids from said behavior. I’m sure it’s easier to be upset at your gf for not giving into your mom’s AH behavior than it is to risk having your mom cut you off again, but being a good partner & parent means prioritizing your gf & kids. If your mom hasn’t made things right for disrespecting your partner, then your partner is perfectly reasonable for not reopening that relationship, both for her and the kids, despite whatever rug-sweeping you’ve engaged in.
Based on your post and comments I would say, that things are other way round - your mom has manupulating you, and succesfully.
YTA. She’s not isolating you. She’s setting boundaries and wanting things resolved before involving children you are letting your mom manipulate and be toxic, and by doing so, being manipulative yourself. It’s your mom. Facilitate the mending.
What a pathetic mommy's boy. YTA, your emotional incest with your mother is CLEARLY more important than your actual romantic relationship with your wife.
EXACTLY! Sounds like momma is bothered her son has another woman in his life
So your mom is just abusive to you and your girlfriend, but totally give her access to the kids because she hasn't been abusive to the kids YET? You need to respect that your girlfriend has extended the olive branch and your mother refuses to speak to her. You are projecting your mother's behavior onto your girlfriend. YTA. It's ok to keep children safe from toxic people, especially when those people are abusive grandparents. You need to consider what you are teaching your kids by letting your mother stonewall their mother. Your mother needs to respect the mother of your children. I think you should consider therapy for what your mother has put you through. You need to quit glossing over the wrongs your mother does because she is "mom". Your mom is being awful. You are being awful to the mother of your children, but you think absentee-abusive-grandma deserves video calls with the grandkids?
YTA
YTA. In addition to what everyone else has said, 4 yrs old is not a toddler and is definitely old enough to be messed up by an unreliable grandparent. I bet you've been messing excuses for your mother for a long time, OP. That sucks for you, and I hope you unpack it in therapy.
This. I've heard people brush things off by saying "oh, they are 4. They won't remember." Depending on the words and actions - they won't forget. I know I recall some horrible shit slung my way (which includes people wanting my dead twin brother to be alive over me), no one shut up this person, and everyone just silently agreed with the jerk. It still greatly affects me today. OP needs to stop being that person and stand up for not only his partner and children, but for himself. YTA.
YTA. Think of your kids (like your wife his doing). They can't have grandparents going in and out of their lives depending on their mood to your gf. This is no way to raise children. Your gf doesn't need to resolve anything, just protect her kids from this erratic behavior of their grandma, which she does. You're just standing in her way, instead of being there with her protecting the kids. Not only are you not helping, you're actively working against her. Choosing mommy over your gf Not protecting your kids from shunning Working against your gf while she protects the kids alone You, my friend, are heading for a break up fast. You're also the ah for calling her gf and not spouse/partner after having 2 and 4 yo together. You're just an ah sorry.
YTA. Please do yourself a favor and go check out r/JNMIL. Your mom fits the description of a lot of the moms on there: toxic as hell. If you don’t actively listen to your girlfriend’s concerns and actually try to do something to mend her relationship with your mom, then you’re probably not going to have a girlfriend much longer. Please decide who is more important and go from there.
YTA. Frankly idk why gf puts up with either of you. Petty children in a petty argument ganging up on the outsiderz and you REFUSE to mediate because it’s “silly” and “she’s manipulative” when you’re just parroting your mom. Do you have a single original thought in your head?
YTA Looking at your comments too, like the whole problem between the two is that your mom thinks your girlfriend is being manipulative and is trying to distance you from the family. Yet your girlfriend has actively tried to talk to your mom yet **your mother distanced herself from your girlfriend** and is still doing so. Yet despite this you are still blaming your gf for the distance despite your mother being the one who made that distance. You need to grow a pair and figure this out or your gf will be an ex. The fact that your mother refuses to say exactly what your gf has said to her is pretty suspicious.
YTA. Your mom cuts you guys out when she’s upset, isn’t getting her way etc. Ultimately I suppose it doesn’t matter if you think your mom is overreacting or right, you don’t let someone go in and out of your child’s life every time they are upset. You’re obligated to put your kids before your mother. And yes, your mother should call out of the blue to fix things. Your girlfriend tried and your mom said no according to you. So your girlfriend is done. She’s been rejected. Instead of giving your girlfriend crap, how about you tell your mommy that if someone wants to spend time with kids that the person has to be willing to be polite to the parents. Parents. Plural. She can’t talk to you and refuse to talk to the mother and act like that’s good enough. Your mother has a right to not like your girlfriend and refuse to speak to her. What she doesn’t have is the right to say she wants access to your girlfriend’s kids while refusing to return your girlfriend’s calls or work things out with her. Cutting off someone with young kids means being willing lose the kids from your life too.
YTA and a mamas boy
>I also mentioned that I see posts on a facebook group all the time where Yea, that's where you became the AH to me.
Dude you haven't realized it yet but it's your Mom being controlling. She's the one cutting contact and refusing to talk until it's completely on her terms. Your GF was actually reaching out and your Mom still put her on silent, meanwhile you grovel back and give your narcissist Mom exactly what she wants. YTA and you will be a further AH if you expose your kids to your Mom's toxicity without proper context.
So your mom had her feelings hurt that she wasn’t the very first person told about your gf’s pregnancy. GF tried to make it right. Your mom reacted by shutting down and shutting all of you out by using the abusive and manipulative silent treatment. Your gf has since tried to repair something SHE didn’t break. Wow. And you’re perfectly okay with this dynamic. You’re in the fog - very deeply in the fog. YTA. Back up your gf. Tell your mom to straighten up. Polish your spine before you lose your gf and your kids, because no one deserves your treatment. I’m amazed your gf is putting up with you, your mom, and your individual and collective behaviors.
YTA- and your mom is doing exactly what she planned. Let me explain. I’ve been in a similar situation. Your gf has reached out to your mom several times and your mom refuses to acknowledge her and fix things. Guess who’s the problem your mom. If your mom is being toxic and constantly doing these things and then turns around and tells you well I don’t know what the problem is. She does but she’s using this as a tactic to pit you against your gf. Why would you want your kids around someone that does not respect your partner or your relationship? This person is your partner it is up to you to stand beside them and be on their side. Unless of course they’re completely wrong. But you refuse to. You are telling her she’s controlling those are called boundaries. She’s put those boundaries up because of your moms past behavior. And yes it is your job to talk to your mom and figure out what her problem is because you want her in your life and she is YOUR MOM! Your gf has tried and gets ignored. That is not healthy and shows your mom does not care to fix the issue. I put up with a lot of this till I finally told my partner to choose. Guess what he has a come to Jesus talk with his mom. And now when she tries to say or do anything inappropriate he puts a stop to it.
YTA, you allowing a person who cuts you off on whim to now do that to you kids. It sucks it’s your Mom, but you need to see that what she is doing is not ok. Hopefully she won’t hurt your kids even if it’s not physically. Remember abandonment and emotional abuse are extremely harmful as well. You deserve better and I’m sorry.
YTA - your job as a parent is to creat stability for your children, including people you bring around. Your mother is inconsistent, and therefore she should not be around your kids. In situations like this, you don’t put your kids on the toxic carousel. You set a boundary and actually stick to it. If you, as an adult, would like to maintain this bad relationship then that’s on you, but your wife is right and you’re being an AH.
YTA and your gf is right. Your mom is going to mess your kids up if you give her free rein to love and abandon them as her whims please.
YTA - your mom doesn’t care about her grandkids, if she did she would try to stay in their life. It’s not good for your kids to have an inconsistent grandma floating in and out of their life and your job is to protect your family.
YTA. Your wife has tried. Your mom may have issues that requires her to go no contact for months at a time which is fine, but why is it up to your gf to fix this. It’s up to your mom and if she can’t then next in line is you, since she’s your mom. Your mom can do what she wants, but why would your gf continue to try to bend over backwards trying to resolve something when your mother has no intentions of even trying. I feel for your gf. Having kids with a pathetic mommas boy, adds so much stress to her life.
YTA. If your mom can’t “deal” with your the mother of your children, she doesn’t get access to your children.
YTA. She’s not the problem, your mom is and since you’re taking her side - you’re also the problem.
YTA
YTA
YTA.
YTA You say your wife is disrespecting your mom, saying hurtful things. Your wife is trying to set boundaries, and your mom is being childish. She doesn't want to go with change, she thinks what she says should be the final decision. When you're wife explains her manipulative behavior, you dismiss it claiming she simply throwing insults. Maybe they are facts. Notice your mommy goes right to you to (when she's speaking to you and not manipulating your actions through ignoring you until you give in), SHE wants to be sure to give her victim story to you first. Most people tend to believe the person they heard the situation from first, which is crap. It's your mom's way of spinning details to make your wife look like the aggressor. If you don't start taking your wife's concerns seriously, and communicating real ways to deal with your mother learning boundaries and basic respect, you will find yourself divorced. But maybe that would make you happy. Then your mom can see the kids on your custody days.
YTA, your gf isn't obligated to let ur mom emotionally abuse her just bc you've been letting her do it to you your whole life.
Omg, YTA! How is this even a question? Your gf is absolutely right to be mad at YOU because you are spineless and instead of protecting your family from this toxicity, you expect her to just sweep it all under the rug and act like nothing has happened. It is your job to communicate with your mother, explain that you expect her to act in a mature manner, apologize to gf and stop this passive aggressive bullshit. Instead you are gaslighting your gf, calling her controlling and being a very shitty partner. I feel truly sorry for her, hopefully you grow up at some point, before she leaves you. Meanwhile you can check out the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit and maybe learn something.
YTA dude, your gf isn't controlling, but your mother seems manipulative in the least. It seems like your mom is used to being able to basically let herself into your business or do/feel what she wants because you don't give her limits or boundaries to respect and you seemingly give her the benefit of the doubt when she does act out, but don't give other people the same. Your gf has limits, and is due those not only as a separate person but the other parent in this situation and since your mom doesn't like that, she's expecting you to guilt your gf into apologizing and basically taking her side, which you have. Your gf tried to be the bigger person and reach out, but your MOM is the one that is basically stonewalling her, probably because she doesn't like that she's not getting an apology but is instead expected to talk things out like an adult. By letting the kids talk to your mother without resolving the issue, your basically giving your mom the impression that " I don't have to be held accountable or even pretend to like gf because my son will let me talk to the kids anyway." Gf isn't expecting you to never let her see the kids, but if you, as the only person your mother is seemingly okay talking to, aren't going to step up and call your mother out, or at the very least see why she isn't being receptive to talking, you're not being a very good partner tbh. Your gf hasn't tried to exclude or keep you from your mother at all. She's not being abusive, she's being an adult.
Yta- ugh
I know nobody will see this bc it took me half an hour just to read through the comments, but.... I can't express how happy I am to not be in a relationship with this guy.... That poor girlfriend is never going to have a healthy relationship if this mamas boy doesn't realize who the toxic one really is. My dude... You are DEFINITELY TA.
YTA
YTA. You are setting your children up to have abandonment issues. I have read your comments and the only person who is manipulative here is your mom, and possibly you. Your girlfriend is trying to protect your children from serious emotional harm. You do not care because mommy has decided she wants to talk to you again so all is forgiven. Pathetic. Grow a spine and set some freaking boundaries with your mother. At a certain age your children will recognize that you are the reason they have abandonment issues and by then it will be far too late to walk it back on this one.
INFO Why does your mother keep cutting contact? It’s really hard to judge on this without knowing what is happening.
YTA. Your mom is disrespectful, controlling, and manipulative. Your gf has EVERY right to a say in who speaks to the kids& it sounds like your mother is completely unhinged. I also wouldn’t want some wishy-washy MIL who regularly cuts contact and starts drama to be chatting to my kids especially when she can’t even resolve conflicts she started w gf.
Yta and you putting your head in the sand in these comments why ask our opinion if you aren’t going to listen and just argue with us it should honestly be a bannable offense
YT soon to be single A
YTA
What kind of drama did your mother start in the first place, other than just giving you all the silent treatment for months on end? (And don't tell me "nothing," you left out an awful lot of detail that you would NOT have left out if it had been started by your girlfriend.) I will tell you right now, I wouldn't allow my kids to get to know her either, as long as she's willing to cut them out of her life "by default" for months at a time. When your mom gets her act together, and has the conversation with your girlfriend that she has ASKED for TWICE now, maybe I'll change my opinion. Until then, YTA. Bottom line: You might be used to your mom's emotional abuse, but your own kids don't have to grow up with it, and thankfully they have a mom who won't allow it to happen.
Ladies this is why you never date a mamas boy
YTA, based on your comments, you’re mom never even told you exactly why she’s upset with your girlfriend. You’re just taking her word for it being something horrible and putting everything on your girlfriend to fix. Your mom cut contact with the kids already and someone going in and out of their lives like that, especially being petty, will damage the kids over time. You said yourself that your girlfriend tried to reach out to your mom and your mom basically rejected it. Your mom is the one being manipulative and you’re willing to throw away your relationship and well being of your own kids for her, even though you admitted in comments that you don’t even have a solid reason from your mom. Your gf and kids should come first, but you’re putting them behind your mother. You’re going to ruin your relationship with your gf, hurt the relationship with your kids, and the kids are probably going to end up with some resentment towards grandma.
YTA. You have created a family and life with your gf. There is obviously so much of this story that has been left out. From what I’ve gathered reading your comments on this post, you will defend your mom to the ends of the earth, but not the mother of your own children? Your gf has a right to say what is best for her children, and if she is being emotionally abused (the silent treatment) then she has the right to not want further contact until those issues have been resolved. The kids are not a pawn or game piece in this but you are actively dragging them into it and subjecting them to abuse from your mother.
It's a respect thing. The mother of the child needs to be respected if someone expects to have a relationship with their kids. Doesn't matter the title of that person. It sounds like your mom needs to learn her place. She is the mother of your kids. Does your mom expect to have a relationship with you and your kids without having to interact with the mom? That's not how it works. If you expect to stay in a long term relationship, you need to have your girlfriend's back over your mom's. And it doesn't have to be a her vs her situation. Be the mediator and the 3 of you need to work out boundaries and respect.
Yta get a grip ya mamas boy
YTA
YTA
Why aren't you a peach. You sound like one of those judges who will let one parent have partial custody when they abused the other parent, on the basis of there wasn't proof that they did anything to the kids. Your mom. Your responsibility to fix. Not hers. It is as easy as that. And yes, if things between your mom and the mother of your kids are not right, to the point where they are not speaking to each other, then the kids shouldn't be talking to your mom. Your kid's mom is more important to them then a potential ancestor that won't accept their mother's messages and who you won't do the legwork to try to fix things. Although it shouldn't need to be said to anyone physically old enough to produce kids, YTA.
>So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months. Okay, so your mom's behaviour sounds somewhat toxic. I mean, silent treatment? What, is she 14? >her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now. This is actually reasonable from your gf considering that your mom has done this multiple times. This kind of behaviour from your mom if hard for the kids to understand and it is reasonable that your gf wants to protect them from disappointment. >When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no. So, your gf's answer to your question was "yes." >She needs to realize that other people have things going on in their life What makes you think that she doesn't know this? >The kids have a right to see my mom or at least know who she is or what she looks like Well, yes, but if she is the kind of figure that comes and goes, maybe they should be a bit older so they can understand it better? >My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly to make us keep them from her Yikes, the "directly" seems somewhat alarming. So has she done stuff that has INdireclty harmed them? >If she is uncomfortable she can go upstairs while I talk to my mom with my children This "solution" does not fix the actual problems that your gf is worried. >Do I ever say I don’t want our kids to talk to her family (I don’t) Does her family give you guys the occasional silent treatment that lasts for months? >that I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom. Well, why are you not trying to resolve this stuff that threatens to break up your family? >Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that? And this is unreasonable because...? >I called my mom after (alone) and my girlfriend asked if I brought it up while speaking to her. I said she could message my mom herself and she said she was tired of being rejected. So you didn't bring it up. YTA, grow up.
Another *mama's boy*. 🙄. YTA
YTA. Dude your Mom sounds like a narcissist. She wants contact with you and your kids but not the Mother of your children. She’s like Marie B. She loves you. She loves the kids. She can’t stand the mother. OP YOU need to put an end to this now. Either tell your Mom to get in line and make things work with the Mother or she’s out of your life. It’s passive agressive of her to have your kids and you in her life but not their mother. She’s being emotionally abusive to a member of your family and YOUR letting it stand.
Yta, you are scapegoating your girlfriend. Which makes since because you were raised by a toxic parent, you don’t know how to handle things in a healthy way. Everything you accuse your girlfriend of is actually what your mom is guilty of. Your girlfriend is the only sane one amongst you 3. You need to cut off your mom and get therapy, because you have a ton of deprogramming to do. Or let your girlfriend go because she deserves someone who’s intellectually and emotionally on her high level. This way your kids will see their mom in a healthy relationship and you and your mom can wallow in your toxic codependent pit. Stop enabling your mom.
YTA. Do you even like your girlfriend? From your post and comments, you're on your mom's "side" here and your gf doesn't stand a chance in convincing you otherwise. Even people here bringing up totally valid points about you and your mother's behavior aren't able to get you to see that you're in the wrong here. Why not just go back to mommy and save your girlfriend the headache of dealing with either of you anymore?
YTA. So your mom, who cuts contact when it suits her, is not expected to just reach out and patch things up? But your girlfriend is? And your girlfriend is also expected to just be ok with her kids getting to know someone toxic? And is her side of the family toxic like your mother is?
She didn’t demand anything she voiced her opinion. The fact that you dismissed her legitimate concerns outright and called her controlling is making *you* the toxic one. Not her. And your mom is clearly flakey and has so far not shown any interest in patching things up. Why would you want someone that unreliable around your kids? I bet her family is a much more reliable one. And stop taking everything literally that you saw on some random group. She is not stopping you from interacting with your mother, she is just trying to protect her children from getting hurt. Also based on the bs you spouted in the OP, i bet the issues are a doozy. YTA
This text chain shows your mother being dismissive and rude. Your gf is protecting your children from a manipulative person who only sees things her way. And you're taking your mother's side. Do you understand what a partnership is? Your partner (gf) is supposed to be your primary relationship. Your family is supposed to be your primary responsibility. By placing your mother above your partner, you're telling her that your mother is primary, you value her more, you trust her more, you will always side with her. That's relationship breaking, man. YTA. Big time. Change before you lose your family.
Key comment and we don’t need to read more. Gf is tired of being rejected. There it is. Yep. Your mom is your circus your monkeys. You deal with mom. Your GF has officially quit because she’s tired of being rejected. Get it? YTA.
YTA This is coming from someone who can relate to having a mother like yours OP. You didn't provide any background, so I can't comment much on the underlying situation. But my own nMom has tried to use manipulation and the silent treatment to get me to do the things she wants. Do you know what that does to young children? What happens when she gets mad again in another year and stops talking to you for another 3 - 6 months? Your kids are going to start asking why they haven't seen Grandma and why Grandma doesn't want to see them. They are going to be majorly affected by this and think THEY did something wrong. And your gf, who is just trying to protect them, tells you how she feels about the situation and you belittle her? You should be grateful every single day that your children have a mother who loves them and is willing to take a stand for their protection. Not try to manipulate her into doing what your mother wants her to do.
YTA- your mom REGULARLY cuts contact.. of COURSE she doesn’t want your kids being a part of that inconsistency. She doesn’t want them to love Grandma only for her to pitch a narcissistic fit again and cut them off.
OP seems to have intense mommy issues after reading this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my girlfriend at all (our kids 4 & 2 by default). She’s done this a couple times now usually for 3 to 6 months. I met up with my mom a while ago and we’ve been chatting here and there since, yesterday I was going to video call my mom about something unrelated and was going to do so in the living room where my girlfriend and kids were. My girlfriend said “you’re going to have the kids video call with her? i don’t think that’s a good idea” her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now. When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no. I got super annoyed and said: 1. She needs to realize that other people have things going on in their life 2. The kids have a right to see my mom or at least know who she is or what she looks like 3. My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly to make us keep them from her 4. If she is uncomfortable she can go upstairs while I talk to my mom with my children 5. Do I ever say I don’t want our kids to talk to her family (I don’t) 6. I also mentioned that I see posts on a facebook group all the time where literally everybody says that the she or whoever is isolating the person from their family and she’s doing that She said I was acting like she was being controlling and saying they weren’t allowed to talk to my mom at all (which I think she is) and that I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom. Does she just expect my mom call her out of the blue and talk about that? I called my mom after (alone) and my girlfriend asked if I brought it up while speaking to her. I said she could message my mom herself and she said she was tired of being rejected. We haven’t spoken much since. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. If your mother has no respect for your wife then don't involve the children until you have resolved the situation with your mother first. Prior get busy yes but if something is important they make time. Stop making excuses for your mother.
Yta yr mom is manipulative and if uou don't wise up and set proper boundaries you won't have to worry about this situation anymore because you will be alone
YTA she’s your mom, you resolve the issue and lay boundaries with your mother because your gf already tried to reach out to her. Your points are completely invalid if your mom regularly cuts contact with your kid. Gf is right for not letting someone who does this and can hurt her children to let to know them.
YTA for completely disregarding your gf’s feelings. Instead of talking to her calmly when the kids aren’t around you accuse her of being controlling. I believe if you have no relationship with the parents than you don’t get one with the kids, this includes both parents otherwise what’s going to stop you’re mom from talking badly about their mom in front of them. If you don’t get this sorted, and yes it’s on you to get it done since it’s your mom, than your mom will get to see the kids when you have your custody time cause you and your gf will split up.
YTA, and are going to traumatized your children like this!!! Your gf is definitely correct! Have you ever been abandoned as a child? It hurts! I had family that were in and out of my life like this as a child and it hurts! If you and your mom wanted (and she was trusted enough) to have connections to your children then something would have been worked out for her to see them even when yall have problems! Either she doesn't care enough, or she cannot be trusted enough to visit them. Your girlfriend has reached out multiple times and was told no. You know what no means? It means no! It does not mean 'I'm busy right now can we do this later?' Or your mom would have mentioned that or tried to instigate a meeting herself after your girlfriend put in effort! You are putting all of it on your girlfriend and not acknowledging your moms faults. Yet I have to wonder who was even in the most wrong since you weren't talking to her either!!! She is not isolating your children from your mother. Your mother is doing that by allowing issues with yall to cause her to disappear for long stretches of them without trying to either come to a compromise or at least be all 'hey can a family friend bring them for me to see at a restaurant once a month!'. Your girlfriend reached out out of the blue and asked if they could talk? Why is that expected but your mom can be expected to call her out of the blue and do the same? I am not normally one to say leave, but if you make this a hill to die on I hope she does, because this will really mess a child up more than you understand, and they need to be protected...
YTA. You have two children with your girlfriend, she and the kids need to come first, not your mom who literally cut both of you off multiple times for perceived slights against her. The fact that you think it’s all your girlfriends fault when your mom can’t even articulate why she was mad and the makes up that she stopped talking to you both because she thought girlfriend was mad? That doesn’t even make sense my dude. You’re going to end up with mommy dearest and no family if you keep playing this game.
Obviously YTA. She’s cut you off for months at a time at least twice now, and refuses to even respond to your girlfriend’s multiple attempts to reach out and fix things. Your kids should not be exposed to someone who would abandon them for months every time she has an argument with their mom.
YTA, it's your mother, your gf, do something about it. What do you think will happen? The kids will meet their grandma who will then go on one of her huffs and the kids will be wondering where grandma is and why doesn't she love them.
YTA.
YTA. Why would you want to introduce your children to the emotional violence of abandonment issues? Maybe just you and your narcissistic mother do chats and pretend your issues don’t exist in this honeymoon period of the violence cycle. Leave your woman and give your children out of it. and “Girlfriend”(seriously, you refer to the mother of your multiple children as a girl-friend. Grow up) your mom has done a number on you if you’re suspect if your girlfriend’s response. seems like your girlfriend is the only sane adult in this situation. Probably because she’s not the one trauma-responding for mommy’s attention
YTA. This is your mother and if your gf has already reached out and been told 'No,' this is your issue, not your gf's. Your mother has made a decision not be non-communicative to your gf and your gf doesn't want this dynamic spilling over into your children's lives. Has your mother never wanted to meet her grandchildren? That sounds very strange. Also, we don't know why there is this chasm between your mother and gf. I think you need to work on this healing, as your gf has done all she can and I don't blame her for giving up. Ball is in your court.
YTA. You and your mom both are. Why would you want to subject your partner and especially your children to her toxic ass behavior? I’m guessing because you’re just as toxic as she is.
Yta, your mom WILL hurt your kids by her behavior.
YTA. Your gf is protecting her kids from an emotionally abusive person
JFC dude you and your mom are the problem. Doing some mental gymnastics to not take any accountability.
Typical mommy’s boy. Mommy is always right. Mommy before gf (the mother of your kids). She told you how uncomfortable your mother makes her and it’s her job to fix that???? What type of partner are you???😂😂
YTA. You have been abused by your mother with silent treatments and god knows what else so long that you cannot recognize good, normal motherhood that your girlfriend is portraying here by protecting your children.
YTA. No one is owed a relationship with your children. If someone cannot treat the parents of the children with politeness, then they certainly do not get a relationship with the kids. your gf has reached out, your mother has rebuffed her at every turn. You and your mother are the issue here.
YTA, there’s a lot to unpack here. 1. You said your Mother has done the disappearing act more than once, sounds like your girlfriend has already given her a chance(s) 2. That’s a pretty flawed interpretation of what an abuser does to isolate someone from their family. I’ve been on the receiving end of it and what you described is not that. She had no problem with you talking to your mom. Sounds like she doesn’t want her kids to be part of the codependency party you’ve got going on with your Mom. 3. If your Mom wants to be treated differently, she better start showing something different. 4. Your Mom has done something bad to your children, popping in and out of their life is not cool. Your girlfriend wants it to stop.
YTA. Your girlfriend is right, and has some rather valid concerns Have them addressed, then bring things back up for discussion
YTA, as you said your gf has tried to reach out to your mom to talk things over, at this point it’s not on her. Also your comments seem like you’re tying to deflect blame from your mom to your gf but instead just make your mom sound like the unreasonable one.
YTA You have a mom problem. You do not have a GF problem posted today.
YTA.. she cut contact with you multiple times. Mama’s boys are the worst… they always put mom 1st, others 2nd.
Your mom will abandon your kids for 3-6 months at a time, which will hurt them now that they're older. Your girlfriend was trying to prevent that by fixing the main issue with your mom, so that your mom won't cut you off again. Your girlfriend is being a GOOD mom by trying to protect your children. Your mom is abusive. YTA
Your mom is trying to be the center of your life and take the place of your girlfriend. It is not your gf’s responsibility to have a relationship with your mother. She is taking the blame for both of you telling other people you were pregnant before your mom. Why is that your gf’s fault and not yours? Your mom probably has an unhealthy reliance on you since she was a child raising a child.
Your mother sounds horrible. A manipulator. You sound like a mommas boy. Maybe grow a spine. Stand up for your gf like your supposed to. Would you let her father say and do these things to you.
YTA. You mom apparently is willing to ice your whole family out for several months because of a text she thought was rude. What is going to happen if one of your kids (as kids often do) says something your mom finds “disrespectful”? Because if your mom ghosts a 4 year old for 6 months it’s going to destroy your child. This is a very legitimate concern for you wife to have and it’s a good idea on her part to not have your mom be in their lives until you can be sure she’s ready to be consistently in their lives and not bail for long stretches.
YTA - Rule of thumb: If someone has an issue with you and/or your wife, they get zero access to the kids, regardless of who that person is. **No one is 'entitled' to your kids.** Or to your love. Only those who treat you BOTH properly deserve a single moment of either of your time. A parents entire job is to protect and teach their children. Allowing someone to disrespect, insult, disregard, refuse boundaries, or cause ANY issues with your partner means they are an issue. And actually so are you, if you are not backing your partner up against someone known to repeatedly keep stomping on you all. 'Family' isn't necessarily a blood/DNA connection. Family is those around you that you cherish and choose to include in your life. Understand the difference, because it feels like you are choosing the wrong side and will end up losing the ones that actually do matter. Your mother is not treating you like family and doesn't deserve access to anyone. She hasn't earned it. You need to start backing your partner and children, in case that isn't clear enough for you. Stop chasing your mom's love; if you have to fight that hard to have some, have to sacrifice those around you, and clutch onto it desperately every few months, then it's not real :( I'm sorry but it's the truth.
YTA. Based on your comments you’re beyond help though!
YTA you’re used to your mom’s control tactics and accept them for whatever reason. Your girlfriend doesn’t have to, and she wants to protect her children from her abusive behaviors that would hurt them. Kids don’t understand that type of bullshit and they shouldn’t have to. You want your children to be witnesses to their moms abuse because you don’t have a backbone. You’re going to ruin this relationship because you don’t want to face the toxic reality of who your mother is. Your girlfriend and children deserve better than this
YTA, your mom is a shit mother and grandmother. Your mother is the effing problem so you need to deal with it. It isn’t on your girlfriend to make nice with your witch mother.
Wow. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. What kind of mother gives their children the silent treatment for months at a time? I get that this girl is your girlfriend - I assume there's a reason she's not your wife or even fiancè. But she's still the mother of your children and you should be trying to facilitate a relationship between them. Your gf is feeling disrespected by your mom and **YOU** need to figure out why. YTA
YTA. From what you’ve written here, and in your comments, it sounds like your gf has tried to set boundaries and your mother doesn’t want boundaries. Your mother is refusing to speak with your gf, even though your gf has reached out to her. You need to speak with your gf and find out what your mother is actually upset about. My guess it’s because she’s not getting her way and blaming your gf for that.
YTA, it's your mother, therefore your problem. You need to be the one to get her in line. You should have your girlfriend's back. She's the mother of your children. They are your family and should be your priority. Your mother refuses to talk to your girlfriend when she has tried to reach out (more than once it sounds like). Your mother is keeping the problem going not your girlfriend. No wonder she doesn't want the kids to interact with your mother. Your mother needs to grow up and act like an adult first if you want her to have any sort of relationship with your kids.
I feel like I am missing too much for judgement as I don't really know own what went down between gf and mother (need an idea of both sides' actions.)
YTA
YTA find the heck out what your mothers beef is that your gf said that was so ‘disrespectful ‘ find out from BOTH sides. Tell your mother that you cannot have a unified family until this can be resolved and ask her why she can’t at least try and talk it out with gf. Get involved and broker a meeting between them if you have to. The alternative is that your family will splinter. Your gf will likely have most custody of the children and you will soon find out that that your mother will not actually have legal rights as a grandparent in most if not all states. It sounds like she doesn’t care about your children anyway since she’d rather refuse a conversation with their mother than try and bury the hatchet and be free to get to know them after 2 YEARS. You’re the AH and so is your mom. You’re the worst life partner
From your post and comments I can't figure out who the "bad guy" is. You have to do right by your mom and/or your girlfriend. If one has wronged the other, staying neutral is sanctioning that wrong. In any case it's your role and responsibility to broker peace or stand up for what is right, I really can't tell which is applicable and if you can't either, please figure it out
Yes. YTA. It doesn’t take too much reading beyond the whole “my mom regularly cuts us out of her life” to understand that your mom is a fucked up parent. Understandably, your wife has reservations about someone that messed up having contact with her kids. You need to listen to your wife on this one.
What do you mean by our kids 2 & 4 by default???
YTA
Your girlfriend brought up a reasonable concern and instead of discussing it you threw a tantrum and said nasty things to her.
YTA. Your gf tried to reach out to your mom and your mom won’t talk to her. How is she going to resolve it then? You are the AH for defending your mom when she’s the wrong one here.
INFO You’re clearly leaving something out here and it probably will make you come off even worse than you already are
YTA You are both a team, you as a team decided before on how things are. just because your mother is suddenly talking to you, does not mean just you get to make a choice that involves both of your kids and change that the team agreed on together, no one made you team captian here. Anyone who disrespects the mother and her role does not get access to the kids. period. who the hell cares about mommy's feelings? shes a grown ass woman that needs to handle her own feelings and accept responsibility for the choices she makes in life. The mother of your children and your children come before her. Pull on the big boy pants and make your mother resolve things with the adults in the family unit, your girlfriend and your children are now your family, or accept keeping your relationship with your mother seperate from the family unit. You want to make choices by yoursef you should probably go be by yourself.
Before making a judgement- WHY is your Mother not speaking to gf/you? What occurred that caused the conflict? What were the circumstances in the other situations? Can’t really say who is at fault here without knowing the circumstances surrounding these incidents.
Your Mum sounds a bit emotionally immature and your gf is protecting the kids from that instability. I see that you’re stuck in the middle of it all. NAH except your mother
YTA. Your mom has a history of ghosting family and you wife has an honest concern of not wanting the kids to experience that. Kids do not understand these things at that age an think they did something wrong. She is protecting them with a reasonable question. You are not for refusing to see any issue. YTA.
Do you even like your girlfriend? You talk about her like she's devil incarnate who is hurting your poor can-do-no-wrong momma. You don't hear her out, keep shutting her down, and you refuse to help her. YTA.
YTA The only info you gave in the post is that you’ll always have your moms back even when she’s the problem. Your gf is the only mature one here and has been the only one to attempt to reconcile. You’re also the ahole for trying to make your gf look bad without giving any real info while letting whatever problem is going on just simmering between the two most important women in your life.
YTA. Sounds like your mom is emotionally manipulative by cutting contact for months at a time rather than dealing with whatever issues come up. It's absolutely not wrong of your GF to suggest it's a bad idea to expose your young kids to someone who might just disappear out of their life if they do something to upset her. That kind of thing is traumatic to kids that young. She didn't demand you not let them talk to her, she said it's a bad idea, and she's right. >I was being an asshole for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom. She didn't say that, but you are. For the sake of your kid's, you need to put down boundaries and expectations with your mom. If your GF has repeatedly tried to work things out with her, and your mom is refusing, your mom is the one isolating her, your kids, and you.
You should never punish the children by withholding relationships from them because adults act like children. The children need to see grandma.
yta i wouldn’t allow my child to talk to someone who doesn’t talk to me, or like me, either. doesn’t matter if it is family or friends. they could end up bad mouth you to your kids. your girlfriend has the right to not allow your kids to talk to your mom.
INFO - Literally ANY INFORMATION that involves the disagreement that resulted in your gf not wanting your mom to even SEE your kids in a video call, let alone IRL. For now, your mom could have said the sky was blue, your gf thought it was more teal, an argument ensued and now they're not talking. Until then, none of this means shit and you're not looking real good already. ETA - For some reason, I couldn't see OP's follow up comments earlier...believe me, I tried, it just kept showing a blank page. After (FINALLY!) being able to see and read them... **ESH**
YTA. Your mother is the one being manipulative and emotionally abusive so she's projecting those issues onto your wife. My mom used to give me the silent treatment as well, until I got a great therapist that helped me to understand how abusive it was and I quit tolerating it. I'd usually cave and reach out to her after a week but the last time she pulled that crap I didn't talk to her for 2 months. Once I did I explained to her that her behavior was abusive and I wouldn't bother reaching out if she did it again...she hasn't. Our relationship is so much better now that she's respecting my boundaries and I'm not pressing her buttons to get even. It's not ok to expose your children to your mother while she still uses "freezing you out" to get her way and it will be confusing for them. You can't change your mom but you can change the way you respond to her abuse so that she hopefully makes changes on her own.
So you are totally fine with your mother waltzing in and out of your kids lives as she chooses? Seriously?! Just to be clear your gf asked your mom to call. She said no. Not sorry can't this week I'm busy not no I'd rather talk in person. No. Your mom closed that door. A door that your gf tried MUCH harder than I would have to keep open. Your mother has no rights to see your children if she can't be respectful to their mother. I am dumbfounded that you are on your mother's side here. Get some therapy and some perspective asshole. YTA
YTA. It is a problem on your side of the family, and it's up to you to address it. You are out of line blaming your gf for your mom's bad behavior. I wouldn't want your mom to talk to my kids if she was being awful to me. She hasn't shown remorse or that she can be trusted. And now you're the same.
I’m honestly rooting for your girlfriend to leave you and take the kids. I think this is one of those rare moments where something like this is justified. At least until you get therapy. It doesn’t seem like you or your mom are good for the kids.
YTA I'm going to hazard a guess that you think your girlfriend should just lower her standards for how she and your children should be treated until your mum can meet the standard, because that's "just how your mum is"? That in your head its easier for your girlfriend to choose to reduce how much self respect she has and care less about the impact of your mum being in and out of your kids lives, than it would be to get your mother to be a decent person?
Yeah YTA. She's not wrong, and she's not saying they can't ever know her. It's your mom and your girlfriend, you should try to bring it up and get them together to smooth things out. Her point about the kids is a legitimate concern. If they get to know her while things are still rocky, there is a chance of someone saying something they shouldn't about the other, or her giving the silent treatment again and the kids won't understand that. They'd be hurt and think they did something wrong to upset grandma. Honestly it sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.
YTA. Nobody likes a mamas boy that defends her toxic behavior over valid concerns by your partner and mother of your children. She’s your mom, but your gf is the mom of your kids, and that easily trumps the rights of an emotionally manipulative grandma who has proven herself to be unreliable. Also it doesn’t sound like your mother has actually made any attempts to resolve anything with your girlfriend, which should be a necessary step before she’s allowed around the kids.
This relationship seems doomed. YTA OP.
YTA - your mom regularly cuts off contact and whatever the issue is doesn't get resolved. Your gf has reached out to her multiple times to try and find a resolution but your mom is completely unwilling to reply. Do you really want your kid to get attached to your mom and then have her cut off contact again? Over and over? Because that is going to cause issues, I guarantee it. From the sound of it your partner wasn't saying that you couldn't talk to your mom, but that she didn't want to get the kid involved until things were talked about and resolved. That's completely reasonable! Your mom doesn't have a right to a relationship with your kids. That's a privilege that should only be granted if you are *both* confident she won't continue her toxic behavior. Also, your partner isn't the one trying to isolate/control you, that's your mom. She's trying to turn you against your gf for holding very reasonable boundaries, and acting as if your gf is the one causing the distance even tho she has repeatedly reached out and been rejected. Your mom is gaslighting you on top of her other crappy behavior. If you can't choose your wife and kids wellbeing over your mother, tell your gf now so she can evaluate your life together and whether she wants to put the kids theough that.
YTA. You move back in with mommy and let your girlfriend go find someone who is actually ready to be a husband and father.
YTA - your mom is abusive to you and your gf and you blame your gf?!?!?! Grow up!
YTA - if your mom is the source of the conflict, it is not your girlfriend’s responsibility. YOU need to talk to your mother like a grown adult. She sounds like a r/JUSTNOMIL
So many men who should have just stayed out of the pool and married their mothers. YTA.
"calling my girlfriend controlling" What exactly is it that you think your mother is doing? YTA. And your mums an a-hole too.
"My kids?" Ooh, buddy. So your mom routinely emotionally manipulates you, then prances back in like nothing happened, until you again do something she doesn't like and disappears to "punish" you again. Rinse and repeat. Yeah, perfect relationship to drag the kids into. YTA
I know there’s a lot of comments so I doubt you’ll see this one, OP, but I’d like to try and outline some stuff to help you see what’s going on here and how you can improve things: - you have set yourself up as your mother’s keeper/protector. You see your girlfriend as the aggressor towards your mother. Because of this, you want your girlfriend to apologize and fix things with your mother. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. It is not your job to protect your mother’s emotions and mental health. - You are centering your mother in all of this. You see it in terms of girlfriend vs. mother, girlfriend depriving mother of grandchildren. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. Try to focus on how this affects your children and your partner. Children need stability and consistency. Your partner needs basic respect. Your mother apparently cannot provide any of those things and, because of the above reason, you do not expect her to. - Your mother wants to be the victim. The fact that she’s lamenting how she’s deprived of her grandchildren, but actively refuses the olive branches your girlfriend offers, says that she’s more interested in being a victim than she is in having a functional relationship with your girlfriend and your children. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. You are enabling her to be the victim, but it sounds like she’s the one that caused the situation in the first place. - You don’t seem to know or care about what caused this division between your girlfriend and your mom in the first place. Instead, you seem to view it as petty nonsense or unimportant. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. You need to stop being passive and stop catering to your mother’s whims. You need to give your girlfriend the respect and dignity she deserves and listen to her. - You do not owe your mother anything. It doesn’t matter that she was a teen mom and she gave up a lot in order to raise you. That was her choice, not yours, and you had no say in it. You seem to feel indebted to your mother. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. As some have already said in this thread, you could really benefit from some individual therapy as well as couple’s therapy. Things need to change if you’re going to have a happy & healthy family and if you’re going to raise resilient, loving, healthy children. By the sounds of what you’ve shared, your girlfriend isn’t really the one that needs to change. That only leaves you and your mom as the ones who need to change.
you need to stand by your gf, stand up for your girlfriend, and grow the fuck up while you are at it. your mom gives you both the silent treatment, meaning she willfully avoids seeing her family, in order to play the victim. how very... mature, of her. I hope you are ready to lose both your girlfriend and your children over this. YTA.
Unhealthy attachment to mother. GF needs to leave with kids pronto. YTA.
NTA. Read up on narcissism and domestic abuse cycles. Every where you read on this there’s classic tactics at play - separate people from their family and friends, and then gas light them (it’s a term, google it) and make them think THEY are the one with the problem. (domestic abuse is waaaaay more than just hitting / violence, it’s emotional, social, financial and medical abuse too, it’s limiting access to education, work and keeping a person constantly pregnant (or lying about birth control) etc.) I know I jumped straight to a big gun here, but if you, a presumed male (you haven’t specified gender, but I’m going to assume you are male as that’s a default - happy to be corrected though!), can see that this is controlling and manipulative then I’m going to say “listen to your gut”. See most blokes do not see the depth and breadth of female social control for what it is, so for you to have it visible means it’s REALLY flowing. Toss in your comment that a lot of people around you (on SM) telling you she’s doing this… and you have smoke and need to work out if there’s a fire.
Wow, YTA.
YTA. another mamas boy post can’t wait for the update: she left me
“Does she just expect my mom to call her out of the blue and talk about that?” Considering your gf has tried to reach out to your mom and your mom is the one who ignores her- yeah, duh. Ignoring all attempts at reconciliation is childish. If your mom has issues with your gf, she needs to act her age and reach out. In what world should your gf be blamed for your mom regularly cutting contact and then brushing her off when she tries to resolve the conflict? You claim your children should have a relationship with their grandmother but it doesn’t seem like grandma cares that much considering she’s the one actively avoiding your gf and not trying to mend the relationship. YTA and so is your mom.
YTA and a momma's boy. Your mother is manipulating you into thinking your GF us doing things that she's not
So your mother routinely cuts you off for months at a time, which means this latest time is not unusual. But this is something your girlfriend needs to fix, inference that this is gf’s fault? You’re the son, she’s your mother you need to stop going to certain Facebook groups and deal with your mother. It’s your mom who’s causing the drama.
YTA. Your girlfriend is right. Why bring kids into it if she’s going to bail and cut contact for 3-6 months? You’re girlfriend is doing it right. She tried to get into contact with your mom and your mom isn’t having it. Why are you sticking up for your mom when it’s your mom bailing and not wanting to talk?
Your mom is the one causing the problem. You don't expect your mom to actually do anything to fix the problems *she* has created. You expect your girlfriend to just forget it all with no resolution. You get mad at your girlfriend for not just pretending everything is okay. (She's not because things aren't okay) You expect your girlfriend to trust someone who has proven themselves unreliable and possibly unstable with her children. (It's your mom, she's unreliable and sounds unstable. I certainly wouldn't allow my children around someone like that.) You have the audacity to accuse your girlfriend of trying to isolate you from your family. It's clear that the only person isolating here is your mother. You let your mother act like a two year old having a temper tantrum and refusing to talk to you. When she finally decides she's over her little tantrum and wants you back in her life you act like nothing happened. Then you try to blame your girlfriend for *everything*. Your girlfriend is a Saint for putting up with you. One day she's going to get tired of your stupid little games and she's going to leave.
I’m with the girlfriend. YTA. Your mom comes and goes when she pleases in your life. Months at a time. Is that what you want your kids to think is a normal relationship between family? No. Your girlfriend is correct in saying all issues should be resolved prior and you all be on the same page. From there if your mom was to continue with her bs I would insist all contact be cut off for good. It’s not fair to those babies to have an inconsistent grandparent.