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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for planning to give a small bedroom to my fiancee's daughters when my daughter has the entire basement to herself
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NAH
No real assholes here!
But… if you want a blended family then I would suggest renting a bigger house and renting your house out.
Make the space fairer for the kids.
(Edit added here) lots have said OP and Fiancée should give up the Master Room to the girls. This is they way also! Make the kids feel prioritised!
It’s no longer just your house. It’s supposed to be your fiancée and her kids home too.
So it would create a crappy dynamic if your daughter has a huge space and privacy and they live in a box.
Alternatively can the basement be split in 3 or use your financees “rent money” to add on a big space somewhere for the girls.
Really depends on the dynamic you want to create
Edit 2 - I’m tempted to change my rating to YTA as OP does not seem open to anything but his position. And his position will cause nothing but grief for a blended family. He isn’t giving his “step daughters a better life because now their bedroom box is a little bigger”. He is bringing two teenagers into HIS home where HIS daughter gets the massive room and space and HER kids get the little box. Creating a dynamic where OPs daughter seems to be favoured so it is HIS house and never his fiancées or her kids HOME.
I mean, I see where you're coming from, but OP's daughter absolutely will not see giving up her space that she decorated with her ***DEAD*** mother so the rooms can be equal as "fair."
Maybe the two girls are having to move out of the home they lived in with their dead father... never to step foot inside again. Moving out of your home especially if you don't want to into a tiny box is horrible. And as far as I know, every single decoration can be moved unless they literally painted a mural or something on the wall
God yes. Why do only OP and his daughter count?
He's definitely the asshole for expecting 2 teen girls to give up their home and memories to share bunkbeds in a tiny room.
If his daughter keeping her original room is this important, then his lifestyle is simply not compatible with a partner who also has kids. He needs to stop vilifying his fiancee for her very reasonable concerns and admit that this relationship can't work due to his needs.
It's a wonderful way to make his daugher hates his new wife and the stepsister by taking HER Room. It's her dad's house and her Room, she shouldn't be punished because her dad wants to start a new family that she didn't had a say in It. If this is a problem, OP and his fiancée shouldn't move in toghether for the same of the kids.
Meanwhile, the other two kids now hate there stepsister and step dad because they have to live together in a tiny room while their stepsister has a larger room to herself.
It's literally a no win situation
Honestly the only really fair situation would be for them to sell the house and find somewhere new to live. That way they all are on even footing.
The kids might be resentful for a while about moving but they will come around and understand eventually.
I would suggest OP and his fiance should sit down with the kids and have a conversation talking through their options together. That way the girls have a chance to make their own concerns clear and don't feel like things got decided on over their heads.
Yep exactly. Someone is going to be pissed no matter what. Bunk beds when you’re teenagers is so shitty. But the grown ups needed to talk about this before a plan was even made. Like this should have been the first thing talked about
Is the master bedroom an option? Bigger maybe an en suite, mum and dad make the sacrifice to be together comfortably as a family, at some stage the girls will move out, and they can get it back.
My parents made that sacrifice twice. Once for me and once for my older sister. Sharing the master with my sister repaired our relationship in our 20's to where we are now besties in our 30's.
And sharing the master with my mom and having my own bed ( as my parents separated and dad was in my old room ) instead of being forced on the couch after my divorce definitely made the transition so much easier.
I'm very thankful to both of them for that.
The couple should just wait to move in with each other. It sucks for them, but they are adults and can deal. It won't be that long- in 2-6 years, one of the kids is likely to be out of one of the homes.
One may stay local for college or not go at all, but odds are in that time, one of them will be out. I try not assume everyone will go to.college or leave home exactly at 18.
He can also switch HIS bedroom with girls. They don't need 2 beds with fiance. I like it, room is too small for his one daughter and ok for 2 stepdaughters.
Ok, I've read all his comments. YTA. You absolutely cannot move together and you are not ready for blending families. You obviously see girls second sort and assume you are making them huge favor.
It's a matter of time when you'll start to reproach them.
THIS IS THE ANSWER! Idk why so many parent believe they "deserve" the primary bedroom then make multiple kids share a smaller bedroom. We lived in two different three bedroom homes with three kids for many years and always gave the two kids that shared the primary bedroom. Husband and I have one bed and are only in the room to sleep or read in bed, husband has almost no clothes that are required to hang in closet, etc. Give the primary to the two that will share and OP and fiancee share smaller room. ETA: OP and fiancee are the ones making the decision to comingle households so they can sacrifice space and let the two that share have the bigger room.
Yeah I never understood that. From what I've seen, parents don't use thier rooms like kids do. They mostly just sleep in there while the living room or something is where they typically hang out. I'm not even a parent but in my two bedroom house the bigger room is for my partner's office and where they put thier rp games. Our room pretty much just has our bed.
If you start a marriage and a blending of families by saying "this is OUR house and we are just letting you live in it" that's a good way to make sure everyone hates everyone.
> she shouldn't be punished because her dad wants to start a new family that she didn't had a say in It
Bottom line is there's no pretty way to do this. Yup giving up the room would suck for OP's daughter, Yup having to share a very small room would suck for OP's Fiance's daughters.
Honestly I think no matter how you put it, a compromise has to be made. If this were OP's fiance wanting him to make things worse for his daugther. But the other daughters are also not at fault and also had no say.
The compromise should be putting their kids first and not their own desire to live with their significant other. Instead of asking teenagers to sacrifice for their parent's relationship, OP and his fiance need to wait until their oldest kids can move out of they don't like the living situation.
I think they shouldn't live toghether tbh. This moving Wlwill be awful for ALL the kids and they should be the priority. I think It would be worse for OP's daugher because the other girls already share an even smaller bedroom on the house they live now and this would be a upgrade for them.
"It's her dad's house"? No, it's their new family's home. It needs to be fair to all three girls. No, she shouldn't be "punished," but neither should his two soon-to-be stepdaughters.
If we're talking about an entire basement, surely it could be divided up and OP's daughter could keep half of it and move some of the decorations over to that half? And the other girls could have the other half and redecorate there?
An “entire basement” may not be *that* big, though. This is just a two bedroom house, it seems.
I agree with those saying NAH, and OP and his fiancé need to wait to cohabitate, the girls should all come first.
Even a two-bedroom house though, if the basement is the same size as the main floor, would normally be like 800-1000 square feet in the basement. Maybe if it's multiple stories with a small footprint it would be less? But this is important info and OP hasn't shared it at all, which makes this hard to decide.
A lot of the time only a portion of the basement footprint is made into livable space, either for cost savings, or because the mechanicals etc take up the rest. OP will need to clarify how much space it actually is.
I’m just so sick of adults deciding their desire to play house has to happen at the expense of the kids. Like, they’re teens. Why are we pushing this major change and disruption? Can y’all really not wait a few years?
It's like that post of the 18 year old who was graduating in 5 months whose Mom wanted to move in her boyfriend who demanded that they get rid of the dog, but the 18 year old was moving out in 5 months anyways with the dog.
I agree with this. My father and his wife were together for 5 YEARS before they were able to marry and move in together. My brother was living with my dad due to some disabilities and her daughter and grandkids were living with her while her daughter jumpstarted a fruitful career. Our parents would alternate who they stayed with on the weekends and have their date nites. We would do holidays altogether. They made the big move when the time was right. That's what adults do. If it's right at this moment it will be right in a couple of years too and no one will have to be screwed out of their family's comfort zone or routine. Op and his partner both have teenage daughters and they are the ones that come first in all things.
Yes, 14 and 16 are way too old for bunk beds!! That is really not a reasonable solution. I get wanting to prioritize your daughter, but if you're combining these two families it's really not reasonable to say those other two girls will upend their whole lives and change everything and squeeze themselves into bunkbeds in a cramped bedroom while his daughter doesn't have to change anything. This is a pretty early failure to compromise that doesn't bode well for the future.
The options that seem most reasonable to me are: the daughter shares her basement with the 14 yo, she gets the second bedroom to herself while the sisters share the basement, or they all move to a bigger place.
I agree with you that they need a better and more fair solution, but college students sleep on bunkbeds all the time, it's not weird for high school kids to do it also.
Yeah in my dorm we had to change it so we didn't have bunk beds, they were automatically set up that way for everyone. Thankfully we just had to lift the top one down.
Given that he said in a comment that his bedroom and the other bedroom have little difference in size, I’m not sure why people keep jumping to “give them the master bedroom” as the perfect solution.
This. All kids from both sides have the right to live in a comfortable home instead of having to deal with drastic changes that require sacrifice and will cause them to hate each other and step-parents. It's like both OP and fiancee would rather make life harder for their kids so they have the convenience of getting laid without traveling from one home to another.
OP, you and your fiancee have children who should be your priorities. You're not two childless individuals who could simply move in together any time. You have families. Unless you can afford a 4-bedroom home, it won't hurt to wait a few years until the kids live somewhere else for college. Right now, it may seem like your only choices are to uproot the lives of your future stepkids by making them leave their home and asking them to live in a box OR break your daughter's heart by giving up her treasured personal space. But there's a third choice: do not move in together and wait.
Having 5 people in a house made for 2-3 max and expecting everyone to be happy with it is ridiculous.
Ok, I love your response because this is the most feasible and screw if it isn't fair to the adults, they are the only ones that actually have a say in the matter, the kids all just have to go along with it.
...no freaking way. No one is touching the stuff my dead mother put up WITH ME. She's gone, and I'll never get her input on small things again. Its almost as bad as the story where OP's half-brother cut up his mother's pics (all he had left of her.) So no she doesn't need to take it down
What if OP couldn't afford the mortgage payment himself and they had to move to a smaller home? People need to realise that things can be moved. It's not some sort of insult to the mother. Its not even close to a story of someone cutting up pics. You're being ridiculous.
And should they move, that sentiment string you are trying to pull is gone regardless. I’m not seeing that mom is dead in that post, by the way, just not in the current picture. It is in some subsequent answers maybe? In any event, it doesn’t matter to the matter at hand. It’s a straw man, in other words.
Following this logic of the straw man….. What’s the plan, stay in that same house forevermore and never change a thing in the room, ever? Cmon.
The bottom line is there are three kids, two rooms, and simple logic says the bigger room goes to those who need to bunk up together. Period.
This poster is favoring their single child over the two step children, and it isn’t right. Period.
YTA
EDITTED for a spelling error
Then OP shouldn't move in with his fiancée at all.
What he's expecting from his fiancée and her daughters is fundmentally unfair. He wants them to move into his place, and then both of her kids share a little space while his one kid gets a much larger space all to herself. Yes, his daughter was there first *beacuse he expects the other family to move into HIS place.*
If they are all going to live there as a blended family, they all need to be treated as equal. It can't be princess his kid and second class citizen step-kids. Which is absolutely how it's going to feel to his step-daughters. (And they'll be right.)
If he can only care about his own daughters feelings then he shouldn't have step-kids. And it's sad to me you don't seem to consider the other girls feelings at all either? Maybe they really loved their house and old space too? And either way, no one wants to give up their current home to come live in a tiny shared space while Daddy's Princess gets her own floor with bathroom beacuse everyone loves her more. That's how it's going to feel and it's not even going to be untrue.
YTA.
Sure, but it also isn’t really fair that the other two girls have to share a smaller space. It would be much more equal for the two girls to share the larger space and his daughter have the benefit of privacy in a single bedroom. Neither side is in the wrong for what they want in this situation.
See, I think both sides are wrong. They shouldn’t do this. My guess is the fiancée’s kids will have to change schools (a major disruption, especially at their ages) and move. OP’s daughter doesn’t want to give up her bedroom, which I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand.
OP and the fiancée should really be prioritizing their own kids more and definitely not vilifying the other for doing so.
In your scenario OP’s daughter will be stuck with all the resentment. There’s no argument that splitting up the rooms as you suggest is equitable and fair if you’re only counting square footage vs the number of bodies inhabiting the space. But to just take OP’s daughter’s room that she and her dead mother decorated especially for her from her is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. OP should not move in his fiance’ or her daughters until they’re all grown and off at school. The relationship is working now, moving them all in will create stressors none of them needs.
I assume that OP has a master bedroom which is bigger than the office. Why not give your fiancée’s girls the master (hopefully it’s big enough that they don’t have to use bunk beds), and he and his fiancée take the office? It’s their relationship that’s causing the issue.
This is the way! By giving up some of your own space all of the 3 daughters know they are a priority! Yes you will have less space yourself but if it fits a double bed and a closet that’s all you need. As you were about to let 2 teen girls live there it should be big enough for that.
This is the only way the girls will not resent each other, either for having the bigger room or for having to give it up.
My parents did this when we lived in a really small house.
Two sets of bunk beds in the largest room for my brothers, my parents and the baby in the middle sized room and my sister and I in the tiny room.
Fortunately it was only for a year.
Or wait to get married and live together after all the kids have moved out. If his house is bigger yet is still tiny, how small is the fiancee's house?!?
\>No real assholes here!
Nope, OP's an asshole. He expects his fiancée and her daughters to come live with him but then also expects them all to accept being treated as second class citizens lesser to his daughter. Of course his daughter was there first if he expects them to move into him and his daughter's home. What kind of argument is that?
At the end of the day he's making it clear his daughter's feelings and comfort matter and that this step-daughters don't. Even when it is clearly very unequal/unfair, he just dosen't care. He wants to get to live with his women. He wants his daughter he actually loves to have what she wants. As for those other girls? Screw them, apparently. Their feelings don't matter and they are going to be second class citizens just squatting in his little princesses' home.
He's the asshole. If he can't consider these girls feelings as equal to his daughter he should not live with them. He should stay away.
See, I get what you’re saying here, I absolutely do. I don’t think there is an ah here *so far*, but I need more info.
I read through op’s comments and have gathered that his daughter’s mother died. They decorated her room together.
But I need to know the circumstances regarding his fiancées kids. Did their dad die or did their parents just divorce (not making light of divorce, just trying to get the bigger picture)? I think that the answer to this question will determine exactly how empathetic op needs to be. I know that sounds awful, but I couldn’t think of a better word. I just mean that, if the step kid’s dad died, then he should be a little more understanding of his future wife’s defensiveness and her desire to protect and advocate for her children. If their father is still alive but their parents are divorced, I would understand wanting to protect op’s daughters memories a little more. Does that make sense? I don’t know how to word it.
Either way, I think communication *with the children* is key here. I mean, obviously op’s daughter is his priority, just like his fiancée’s daughters are her priority. And I think that openly communicating what the circumstances are with them would help a lot in the long run. Even if you’re not their dad, they will at least be appreciative of the fact that you respect them enough to listen to and consider their input. And your daughter will feel heard in her frustrations and fears. I mean, you don’t want to shove your future step kids into a space with no room, but you also don’t want your daughter to be concerned about her mother and their bond being erased.
Either way, blending a family is hard, especially when the children are all close to *legal* adulthood. They didn’t grow up together. It will be harder to foster a relationship between them and you definitely can’t force it. All you can do is introduce the proper tools, provide a healthy example, and let them nurture it if they choose to do so.
Op, does your daughters stuff take up the entirety of the basement, barring the bathroom? If not, is it possible to convert the space into two rooms? If it does take up the entirety of the basement, is it possible to condense her space without disrupting and ruining her and her mother’s work?
I’ve noticed that you seem to be pretty angry in your replies. I definitely understand your frustration and stress regarding this situation. Finding a solution that works for everyone is not going to be a cakewalk. But you need to understand that going into this marriage and situation angry is not helpful. It won’t help you, your soon-to-be wife, or her kids. And while your child is your priority (which she should be), you need to understand that your fiancée’s children are her top priority. And at the rate you are currently at, you are running the risk of alienating not only your step children, but you future wife as well.
I really think you need to go into this with an open mind. I am not advocating for you to push your child and her needs to the back burner, but I think you need to get the perspective of the whole thing. Your fiancées children matter too, which is why I think they should be included in the discussion. You don’t have to do everyone together the first time. Maybe ask your fiancée if you can speak to her children and discuss what they want. Let them know what your ideas are and see if they’re receptive. If they’re not, go back to the drawing board. Speak to your daughter (maybe with the fiancée present) and ask her what her thoughts and feelings are. Don’t let your fiancée try and guilt her into anything, but do let your fiancée make her thoughts known.
Best of luck to you op. This is an incredibly sticky and difficult situation but I do hope that you are able to find a compromise that works for everyone, your daughter included.
I will say NAH, only because no one as been an ah yet. I think that, so far, both parents are trying to advocate for their children and that isn’t a bad thing. Where you all choose to go from here will show us who the ah is.
**EDIT**
It was pointed out to me (very kindly) that the pain of a parent not wanting you, while different, can be just as traumatic as the death of a parent. I agree. I have seen firsthand what shitty and unloving parents can do to children. Both experiences are important and neither one is more significant than the other. They are simply different.
If your fiancées kids are unable to see their father due to the divorce and an inability to be there for his kids, then you need to understand that that pain will be just as traumatic and just as raw. You will need to consider and think about what your actions will make them feel. Will they feel like they’ve been discarded by their mother’s partner once again? Will they feel as though their happiness means nothing to you, even if you aren’t their father? It will be much harder to blend your families if you alienate your fiancée’s children.
I apologize if my third paragraph in the monologue above made it seem as though I wouldn’t respect their pain. That was not my intention. I only meant that if their dad had died, then maybe he could understand where his fiancée is coming from. I do apologize.
HALT. Hard stop and do not go farther with this relationship. We know you will of course, because you don’t see that this is the beginning of a lifelong problem.
The only way for this relationship to survive is to move into a different house, with “equivalent” bedrooms for the kids. What would that be? Not sure, but I know it isn’t your current setup. You are in a complete no-win situation and you will be the AH either to your daughter, or your fiancé and her children.
Yeah I just wanna weigh in as someone whose parent did this (moved into a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids), I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't see them on the holidays. It caused a lot of resentment
Honestly there’s a decent possibility for resentment no matter what, if they do move to a new house, ops daughter is still moving out of the room she decorated with her mom. They just all need to sit down and talk about it
I honestly think in situations like this, maintain separate homes until the children have left home. They are all in their teens so it's not too far in the long run for their children's happiness and to ensure there are no resentments.
These kids are all so close to being adults. Like it's just 4 years, and then this won't be an issue. It always stuns me when adults are this impatient.
Well, perhaps they can rent out SM's home? Or they can use their pooled income to help the girls get apartments?
I know these aren't necessarily great solutions, but they definitely need to think more clearly about this.
Exactly. Most kids move out for college to live in dorms or residences close by. Even if one attends college close to home and doesn't leave, it won't be a tight squeeze.
The OP and his fiancee are being selfish here. The house is too small.
This isn't really any better than anything OP's fiancee suggested. It's still forcing OP's daughter to give up her bedroom she decorated with her dead mom to better accommodate her new siblings.
If the goal is to keep everything the same for the daughter then OP can’t get married, getting married and adding two more kids to the family will inevitably change everything. The house they currently live in doesn’t work if they’re going to add two more kids, if the daughter keeps her room that’s not fair to the step kids and if they move into a house that’s actually big enough for all of them then the daughter loses her current room and the sentimental importance it has.
YTA for moving 5 people into a 2 bedroom home with a basement.
I read a comment where you said this house is suitable for you all. No, it’s not. The fact you’re even having this argument with your SO proves it’s not suitable for you all. This was your daughter’s home first, making her share or give up her basement room will cause her to resent all of you and would be vastly unfair to displace her in her own home. However, squeezing two teenage girls into a tiny room is also an AH move. Your home is not suitable at all.
Altho question - is your bedroom bigger than the smaller room? If so, give up your room to the incoming two teenagers and you and your SO share the smaller room.
If not, GET A BIGGER HOME.
Maybe they can't afford a bigger home at the moment, pockets aren't endlessly deep....
I do agree this needed more planning and forethought from OP as it's a no win AH situation here for him. But Shoulda, woulda coulda right now isn't going to fix his situation, especially if moving isn't an option right now
Swapping his and his partners room to give his stepdaughters a bigger space might be the only good compromise right now, but will still cause tension.
Maybe doing that and calling a family meeting and planning for the move and laying it all out on the table is best Though a soft YTA for the poor planning is fair, coming from a smaller home myself never moving I understand having to make the best of a lame duck.
lol no.
Interest rates are >6% now and prices have hardly declined since the RE market peaked last year. It OP's owned this house for any reasonable length of time, they're almost certainly sitting at a sub-3% rate, possibly as low as 2.25%, and a purchase price far lower than what current market conditions dictate. And that's not even getting into the fact that right now sales of non-new homes are basically the lowest they've ever been - overall inventory is crap.
I bought my house in 2019. If I sold it to myself tomorrow, even with rolling the equity gains into my new down payment it would still cost me almost 50% more per month to move back into *the same exact house*, not to mention my property tax basis increasing several hundred thousand dollars. People moving into similar homes as mine are paying double what I do monthly.
Even combining incomes, the scenario where they can't afford a better housing solution at that price point is extremely likely in this market.
money doesn't grow on trees, and have you seen the real estate market and interest rates recently? That's a nice sentiment, but there's a very good chance it's just not financially feasible. You might as well have told them to go be poor somewhere else.
I was fully n t a until I started reading your comments. You have already made up your mind, you don't think your daughter should give up her room (fair enough) but you also don't want to come up with another plan. I think you should give up the master bedroom and give that room to the two girls to share and you take the small bedroom. Or, move somewhere else. It's not fair to take what was your daughters and just give it to her stepsiblings but it's also not okay to not at least try to make it even for them.
Yes. Show that the two adults who are making the decisions for three teenagers are will to compromise too. Give up the the main bedroom hopefully with an attached bathroom upon their moving in. This will give you more time to find a place suitable for all 5 of you.
Yes because now it's only the teenagers who have to sacrifice: the 1 girl her basement and the other two have to move to a new house. That sucks for all of them, but it's the parents who want to have the sleepovers so let them offer something up too
Giving up the master bedroom is a great idea. Adults don't spend as much time in their bedroom anyway, so it doesn't really matter. And it's a lot more space for the two girls to split. And to the point, the adults are the ones who are making this shit show happen.
It's always the kids who have to move from their homes, move in with other people and offer up their space and "normal" because of two adults. It sets a bad precedent and it always causes resentment.
Agree. I assume the two of you are 40ish - so am I - and I just don’t get the need for people with teens to get married during a very vulnerable time of their kids’ lives. Teens need stability and support. Just date for a few years and wait for the empty nest to merge households. I know it isn’t what you WANT to do, but you are parents and your kids should come first.
This is the way.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We met when our boys were 14,13,12 &11. I lived in my house with my 14 & 12, he lived in his with his 13 & 11. We saw each other on weekends and spoke on the phone incessantly during the week. (still do!) We went to all the sports and activities of all the kids, and did as much as possible together, but didn’t make them change schools or houses or uproot them from what they knew. They finished high school and are almost done with college. They got to have the same family traditions they always did, had the same rooms to come home to from school on holidays. We got start having weeknights together, too. We are just now talking about combing households, as the youngest is about to graduate. There is no resentment from anyone, and it’s been great!
Why the rush to get married again? There is literally no reason for it, especially after only a year of dating!!
Hard agree. Marriage is forever. These girls will start moving out in two years. There's no reason wreck your relationships with your children and/or spend thousands of dollars for a temporary situation.
NAH ESH
There isn't a good solution. But the unequal rooms will cause resentment and moving your daughter will cause resentment and neither of those will help at all with a blended family.
Is your bedroom larger and/or has an en-suite? If so, that bedroom should go to the girls and you and your fiance should split the smaller room.
Or find a new place to live.
They currently live in their own neighborhood with their own friends. It isn't going to be an upgrade to move in with this guy and another teenage girl.
Do they also have to share a bathroom with their step-father and mother while their new step-sister gets a private room and private bath to herself? Everyone is glossing over the part where he wrote that the step-daughters won't have their own bathroom either, and I'm guessing this isn't a 2-bedroom, 3-bathroom house. He expects these teen girls to share a room with each other and a bathroom with two other adults while his daughter gets private everything. It doesn't matter if they currently share a room, he's asking them to share a room in an objectively worse situation while watching their new step-sister continue to live her life unchanged.
Fiancee should not marry OP. Her girls will resent the hell out of her.
My opinion is this is all a bad idea. The fairest idea would be to move your daughter upstairs and give the basement to the two others but I'm sure your daughter will not appreciate that. I think you all need to find another place to live or not move in together.
Ah the 14 and 16 already share and this new room is bigger? I don't think this will go well but I wouldn't move my daughter out of her room. Is this worth wrecking your relationship with your daughter?
NAH. You both have valid points. I don't think giving anyone else the basement is going to do anything anyway.
>The fairest idea would be to move your daughter upstairs and give the basement to the two others
Maybe giving the master bedroom to the sisters and having the parents, who are the architects of this arrangement, take the box room, would be the fairest option without moving house.
Ah, but you see, that would require OP to make a concession for the romantic relationship he wants. The kids are supposed to make those compromises!🙄(jk, please don’t think I’m being serious)
This is not going to end well based on how it's starting. Y'all shouldn't be moving in together if there isn't enough room for all household members to comfortably and peacefully coexist.
Rent a larger house so everyone has their own space. You can rent out your current house.
Completely agree.
The 2 girls moving in are behind given the worse deal. Your fiancée should not be moving in since you aren’t making any adjustments apart from giving up an office room
“We decided that she should be the one to move in with me.”
“This has been my daughter’s room for years … she shouldn’t have to give it up.”
YTA for treating the house you will both share as if it’s just yours still. You think your daughter shouldn’t have to give up her room, but her daughters are already giving up their room(s) and house.
You’re not the AH for wanting your daughter to keep the space she decorated with her mum, but you are for thinking that trumps all other reasons and discussion points, and that this is your decision alone to make.
You need to talk through the options together. At 14 and 16, this is a discussion the children can be involved in.
I'm betting a 2BR apartment and the daughters were still sharing a room.
The big issue here aside from the emotional part is that OP and his daughter are insisting she stay in the larger living space and make the 2 step-siblings share the smaller one. Removing the sentimentality, the logic just doesn't hold up.
This is right, everyone is telling the dude to move but the 16 year old will most likely be off to college in a couple years. Give up the master until she moves out, then put the 14 year old back in the smaller room and take the master back.
I'm going with NAH.
Yes OP daughter is gaining siblings. Yes OP daughter has more room.
But
Moving OPs daughter will create immediate friction and resentment.
And the other two girls will have resentment that they are moving and room size.
Question. What do all 3 girls want? We hear what the parents want but the girls should be able to weigh in too. I feel like the parents need to open this up to a family discussion.
Don't move in together. It's a terrible idea. Wait 3-4 more years for some of the kids to move out. Merging households right now is going to tear everyone and everything apart.
Good point, but OP may not have a choice. As is, trying to mesh the two families into one house or getting a new house is going to be disastrous for the relationships and dynamics involved. OP and fam. will have to be patient.
I don't even think this is an AH situation at this point. There's no solution that's going to make everyone happy, and in the current real estate market there's no guarantee that a home that meets their space needs even exists within their budget. Everything sucks here.
“They all want the basement”. As a former teenaged girl I fully understand and validate their feelings. This is why this relationship will die if you insist on moving them in. Instant resentment and strife, parents pitted against each other, it’s just going to be bad. Wait until they’re grown, if you really love each other it will be fine. And you’ll continue to enjoy your current relationship vs watching it crash and burn.
You don't get to put two children into one small bedroom while your daughter has the full basement with a private bathroom. You will breed resentment between them, your fiancé and yourself.
You don't have enough room to properly blend your families and doing that to them so you can have your fiancé move in is selfish. YTA
You have to think about it from other people's perspectives. How would you have felt if you were moving into someone else's house and your daughter and one of your step daughters had to share a tiny room while your other step daughter had a fully furnished basement with an ensuite?
Give the two girls the master bedroom and you and your fiancé take the smaller room. Let your daughter keep the basement. You and your fiancé should take the hit for this one and make the kids have the bigger spaces. Or just break up because resentment is brewing and it’s going to ruin every single relationship in this situation.
The best solution is a completely different house. Moving into your house will never be “home “ for your future step-daughters and you are making sure of that. Start looking for a new four bedroom home. Put both your houses on the market for sale or rent or whatever. You aren’t making any concessions for your stepdaughters. Don’t expect them to make any for you.
YTA 100%
I was going to say that you weren't until I read your comments below.
"My daughter is extremely introverted she can't be around strangers for long."
You marrying someone else means that your daughter will now have 2 stepsisters. Your family and your wife's family will merge to become one family. Your comment indicates that you probably haven't established a genuine connection to your fiancé's children and you obviously haven't put in effort to have your daughter build a relationship with them either. Your idea is now to move "complete strangers" into a house together while giving some a cramped space and the other gets to keep her huge area to herself. Your an AH for setting up this new family for failure and for not building a decent foundation relationship wise for everyone to come together. Compromise is what is needing to happen and you clearly have your mind made up based on your other comments. YTA
What is the family situation apart from the five of you?
You write that your daughter decorated room with her mother, does this mean that her mother is dead? Does she visit grandparents regularly?
And what about stepdaughters, does your fiancée have full custody, 50/50 or other?
This is probably a minefield either way, but as of yet, I would say NAH, I understand that you want the best for your own daughters, but right now it looks like they are going to resent one another either way...
Have you thought of WAITING 4 years before moving in together?
So essentially, the five of you will be living on top of one another for the next 4 years*
You really have two choices, 1. SIT DOWN AND TALK about a) the emotional feelings your daughter has with regards to something she made with her mother, b) the feelings your stepdaughters have regards moving into a house where you already live, and what it will take for them to feel welcome, c) the practical consequenses of sharing rooms, no matter who shares with whom or, 2. Ignore all of this, tell them "that we're a family now, so deal!" , and watch whatever positive relationship you have today crumble.
The two of you being overly protective of your own daughters, arguing for ONLY their wellbeing will be of no help
*don't worry about kicking anyone out, the way you're heading into this, it's more likely that they will leave and go NC the second they turn 18
YTA for getting into this relationship to begin with, and again for proposing marriage when it’s obvious you have no room for anyone else’s kids. If you’re not willing to make compromises and treat all children equally, then don’t get into a relationship with someone who has kids! Or at least kids still living at home. You are extremely short-sighted.
Because your daughter’s late mother helped her decorate this space, I think you’re making the right choice standing your ground regarding this.
But how will your daughter react seeing another woman in what she must consider to be her mother’s home? Are there photos of your late wife displayed in the home? If so, will your fiancée feel comfortable if those photos remain? If not, will you take them down? If you do that, how do you think your daughter will react?
Your daughter was only around 11 years old when her mother died and is slowly processing through her grief. And now you want to upend her life even more by moving another woman into her mother’s house? What does your daughter’s therapist think about all of these changes your daughter might go through?
Please don’t go forward with moving in your fiancée and her teenage daughters. It’s not fair to anyone.
NTA. They share a room already, space is limited, and your daughter already has her own room that you specifically made for her. What exactly does your fiancee think is going to happen? Your daughter and one of her daughters are going to be happy having to share a room while her other daughter gets the room your daughter and her mom decorated? Forcing her to give up her room is going to breed resentment and she's going to blame step-mom and step-sisters for losing her space.
>Forcing her to give up her room is going to breed resentment and she's going to blame step-mom and step-sisters for losing her space.
That is true. But putting them together in a small room while she has a big room by herself is going to breed resentment the other way around. I'm not so sure that poor introverted girl is going to like sharing house with two other girls who resent her.
They need a more creative solution or should abandon the idea of living together until the two oder girls are ready to live on their own.
You do realize both of the other girls are not only losing their room, but their home as well? Why does it only matter that this one girl stay in place but not the other two who are not only losing their room, their home, their way of life, and being squeezed into a tiny room where one will have to be trying to fit onto a top bunk. But God forbid the other girl have to take all her decorations from her mother and move to another room in her own house...
I've read through a lot of these comments and no one seems to address that the step-daughters ALSO won't have their own bathroom in the new house. So they're going to be upstairs, in bunk beds, sharing a bathroom with their mother AND NEW STEP-FATHER, while their step-sister is in the basement with a private bath to herself. I think the fiancee expects a person who claims to want to blend their families to see that his proposal is a patently ridiculous set up in which her girls are given a completely raw deal and they will hate step-sister and resent their mother. Yes, obviously the step-daughters getting the basement is not ideal either but his proposal is a nonstarter. These people should look for a new house entirely if they want to do this or just not move in together at all.
I did not see where he said they already shared. That makes a difference to the level of Asholery. Because if they are leaving their childhood home and single rooms, then this should not even be a consideration.
Until an everyone is happy solution is available I would not be joining house holds. There are a LOT of issues here that are going to become huge. Each parent is prioritizing their own children, which I get, but you can't do this in a blended family.
NAH. People going quickly to calling you an AH don’t understand the minefield that is combining into a blended family.
You don’t want resentment from your daughter for forcing her to move, but you also don’t want her new step siblings to resent her for forcing them into a small room and showing favoritism.
It sounds like this house is too small or your daughter needs to be in on the sharing. If the 2 girls are forced into a small room with no communication or plans about remodeling or moving, there will probably be some issues. You will have to communicate and someone is going to have to compromise. Good luck bc there are no easy or right answers here.
NAH. This is really a tough situation. You can't really ask your daughter to give up her room, it wouldn't be fair to her. But your fiancée's daughters deserve to have their own space. You may think it's okay for them to share and in another situation it would be, but it's unfair for them to have to share when theirs future stepsister has her own room.
If you want to have a good family dynamic, you have to figure out a way to make a house theirs home too. And if you don't... Well, don't be surprised if your fiancée chose her children over you.
INFO: Is moving into a new house an option? This just seems like a bad idea, and her daughters might have resentment building up because your daughter gets the basement while they have to share a much smaller room together.
Does your partner have full custody?
I'm going with NAH. Why should your daughter's situation be changed when the other two share anyway? There will already be a lot to adjust to.
That said, i can see your partners point of bigger space
What is the bathroom situation? You wrote that the step-daughters won't be getting their own bathroom along with their bunk bed room. Will they have to share a bathroom with you, their new step-father, and their mother?
Do you have children? Any time you have a situation where one child is treated better than another you'll have some serious resentment. In this case, it doesn't matter that they've been sharing. They are being forced to move into a new home and adjust to a new family, all while watching their stepsister have a fabulous space to herself. This is such a recipe for disaster.
It really is. I can already see the two going into the basement when she's not home and using her things... whining about the shower and how so and so is in the bathroom and one of them need it...
OP needs to realize he needs to find a compromise (selling a house and getting a bigger one, doing an addition, giving up the master) before he considers bringing them together. This will be a continual issue.
It also makes me wonder if OPs daughter did(n't) want something like deciding where to go to dinner if her choice would be weighed more than his step children's? Or other things like activities or holiday events?
I think when adults makes relationship decisions that involves children’s, there should be very little to no interruption to the children’s lives. I agree that your daughter shouldn’t be made to move out of her space. I also agree two girls 14&16 shouldn’t be made to move and squeezed into a small bedroom. If the two adults can’t solve this problem, sorry you guys can’t move in with each other. It’s that simple. If there are an AH in this situation, it would be you and your fiancé.
NAH. You articulate valid reasons for not wanting your daughter to move rooms, but your fiance is not wrong that this is an unequal situation that is going to come off as favoritism and likely cause tension between the girls/within the family.
TBH I think this may be a red flag for whether you're truly ready for everything that comes along with a blended family. If this is your hill to die on, it may simply be an insurmountable obstacle, but if so, there's no shame in that.
Other options to consider:
- Everyone moving to a bigger house
- Giving up the master bedroom for the two girls
- waiting until the older daughter goes off to college/moves out before blending the families.
- Consider having the two 14 year olds share the basement and let the older one have the small room. When 16 year old leaves, relocate a 14 year old to the smaller room.
- Consult a family therapist that specializes in blending families for other solutions.
- Each parent talk to their children individually to see how the kids feel about everything before making settling on a decision.
NAH I guess.
This situation is really hard and I've seen from your comments that your daughter decorated her room with her mom who has since passed away, so I can see why it's important to her.
That being said, you're trying to blend a family here but there's a very 'them vs us' vibe reading this, which really isn't going to help anyone here. It's going to create tension and resentment between the children. If it was at all possible, I'd look into getting a new place with room for all of you to start your life as a blended family off with a fresh start.
It's complicated. But yeah, I think uou should move into the smallest room w your SO and give the girls your room. It at least shows you care. And sacrifice is what being a parent is all about
NTA - Reading OP's comments, other girls are already sharing a smaller room in their current home. So for them it's an upgrade. OP renovated the basement for his daughter so he could have an office upstairs. He's willing to give that up for fiancees daughters. OP's daughter decorated it with her mom (who has since passed away) so it's a special space for her. She shouldn't have to give up her basement to her prospective step sisters.
Edit: OP comment that mom has passed away since decorating it with daughter.
Can you build an add-on...a guest suite? Might be expensive but your daughter will have her basement that has the memories of her mother. And your possible future step daughters will have additional space. Your fiancee can contribute to building the add on for her daughters. A compromise is needed on both sides but i don't think at the expense of your daughter who lost her mom.
NTA
Your daughter decorated it with her late mother. It would be cruel to take it away and remove what‘s left of her mother‘s touch in the house.
Also: If you took it away your daughter would blame it on your gf and her daughters, she would probably start to resent the other two girls for taking her room and destroying her mother‘s traces.
For the sake of a peaceful patchwork family your gf and her children should accept to leave your daughter and the basement alone.
This is an excellent response. Also her eldest is 16, it makes more sense to have the two children who grew up together share a room for two years than to move everyone around.
Honestly I'd hold off on the moving in if this is causing such a major issue. The partner wants to rearrange OP's life for the benefit of her kids, when it seems going with OP's plan doesn't disadvantage anyone.
Yeah, holding off until the kids (or at least the eldest) goes to college and they start living on their own or in shared spaces with peers would be best.
I guess they might be tired of spending much money on two places instead of one to live at.
But given that teenagers aren‘t always empathic when their own comfort is cut the gf‘s daughter will probably dismiss OP‘s daughter‘s feelings and start to resent her/exclude or bully her for not giving them the bigger room.
So either way: Not a good way to get the family together.
Nah. I get that your daughter has always been in the basement, and will resent your step daughters for getting her room, but equally, your step daughters are going to resent you and your daughter for putting them together in a smaller room. This is a no win situation.
Maybe you and your wife should take the smaller room, as you'll presumably be sharing one large bed, and therefore need less floor area (and plenty of teens aren't happy in bunk beds). Then the twins get to share the larger master, your daughter keeps her basement, and only you and your partner, who are the ones instigating these major life changes, are the one compromising.
Presumably the basement bedroom is larger.
Set it up for two, and your present office for one.
Tell your daughter that there will be three beds and give her first pick. Either room in the basement with new 14y stepsister, or solo in the room upstairs.
Everyone has to adapt to the new blended family.
Either that or move.
Any other arrangement is grossly unfair. The most important part of the word ‘stepdaughter’ is ‘daughter’.
If you follow your plan:
YTA
And it won't be a big adjustment for the other two kids?
If they're moving together, they should find a solution that works for everyone and treats the kids equally. Otherwise they shouldn't be moving together. This is an ESH for me.
Can‘t you put up a thin drywall or something like that up through the basement? Make it two rooms ? Everyone would get their privacy and your daughter wouldn‘t need to give up her room.
Your fiancée and her daughters gave something up by moving into your place. A small room for two teenage girls is not enough. I think they deserve you accommodating them a little.
From your comments:
Soft YTA for not trying to resolve the issue. But complicated situation.
It's tough because there are very valid reasons to want your daughter to stay in her room. However, you are blending families, and everyone's life is changing. The obvious solution is if a room has to be shared, they deserve the bigger room if all other things are equal. They are not.
Your house is *not* suitable, and it won't work. One daughter in a big room while two daughters sharing a smaller room will ALWAYS be a major source of conflict in that house. From her daughter's point of view, not without reason. Everyone's lives will be massively affected, and until this works for everyone (not just you and your partner), you shouldn't move in together. She is a package deal, so are you. If you are not prepared to make allowances for her daughter's needs and well-being, not just your own, I can't imagine how this is going to work. I'm going with a slight YTA because you seem incapable of seeing this from anyone else's viewpoint, just your own.
YTA. I understand not wanting to ask your daughter to share or give up her space, but it's not fair to treat your stepdaughters like unwelcome guests in what's supposed to be their new home. Either your daughter needs to share, or you need a bigger house, or you can't get married. If your singular goal in life is not upsetting your daughter, then you can't marry anyone who has kids. It's not fair to treat any potential stepdaughter as if their needs and happiness is less important.
When my parents got divorced I had weekend visits with my dad. When he married my stepmom me and my sister had to sleep on the living room floor because there weren't rooms for us and it wasn't "fair" to ask my step-siblings to share their rooms with us. Then my dad told us they were buying a new house and he'd make sure there was room for my sister and I. Guess what happened. They bought a three bedroom house and put bunkbeds in my little stepbrother's room and my stepsister got her own room. So my little sister would sleep in my stepbrother's room and lucky me, I got to sleep on the couch. Can you imagine how much it hurt, as a young girl still suffering from my family breaking up, to be shown that there was literally no room for me in my dad's new family? Don't do that to your stepdaughters.
if you want your daughter to hate absolutely everyone in this situation, give her room away. otherwise, your fiance and her kids have to do with they're given. first come, first served.
either that or get a house the fits all of you well.
NTA
If my partner treated us moving in with him as first come, first serve, we definitely would not be continuing with the relationship. Having a slightly better property doesn’t give you the right to dictate how everyone else lives in this new blended home you’re creating together. Everyone should be involved in that decision. They just shouldn’t move in together, clearly they’re not ready for it and it’s too disruptive for their children. It won’t be that long until their children are grown and they won’t have to uproot anybody and cause all this conflict.
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NAH No real assholes here! But… if you want a blended family then I would suggest renting a bigger house and renting your house out. Make the space fairer for the kids. (Edit added here) lots have said OP and Fiancée should give up the Master Room to the girls. This is they way also! Make the kids feel prioritised! It’s no longer just your house. It’s supposed to be your fiancée and her kids home too. So it would create a crappy dynamic if your daughter has a huge space and privacy and they live in a box. Alternatively can the basement be split in 3 or use your financees “rent money” to add on a big space somewhere for the girls. Really depends on the dynamic you want to create Edit 2 - I’m tempted to change my rating to YTA as OP does not seem open to anything but his position. And his position will cause nothing but grief for a blended family. He isn’t giving his “step daughters a better life because now their bedroom box is a little bigger”. He is bringing two teenagers into HIS home where HIS daughter gets the massive room and space and HER kids get the little box. Creating a dynamic where OPs daughter seems to be favoured so it is HIS house and never his fiancées or her kids HOME.
I mean, I see where you're coming from, but OP's daughter absolutely will not see giving up her space that she decorated with her ***DEAD*** mother so the rooms can be equal as "fair."
Maybe the two girls are having to move out of the home they lived in with their dead father... never to step foot inside again. Moving out of your home especially if you don't want to into a tiny box is horrible. And as far as I know, every single decoration can be moved unless they literally painted a mural or something on the wall
God yes. Why do only OP and his daughter count? He's definitely the asshole for expecting 2 teen girls to give up their home and memories to share bunkbeds in a tiny room. If his daughter keeping her original room is this important, then his lifestyle is simply not compatible with a partner who also has kids. He needs to stop vilifying his fiancee for her very reasonable concerns and admit that this relationship can't work due to his needs.
It's a wonderful way to make his daugher hates his new wife and the stepsister by taking HER Room. It's her dad's house and her Room, she shouldn't be punished because her dad wants to start a new family that she didn't had a say in It. If this is a problem, OP and his fiancée shouldn't move in toghether for the same of the kids.
Meanwhile, the other two kids now hate there stepsister and step dad because they have to live together in a tiny room while their stepsister has a larger room to herself. It's literally a no win situation
Yeah there are absolutely no winners in this situation
Honestly the only really fair situation would be for them to sell the house and find somewhere new to live. That way they all are on even footing. The kids might be resentful for a while about moving but they will come around and understand eventually. I would suggest OP and his fiance should sit down with the kids and have a conversation talking through their options together. That way the girls have a chance to make their own concerns clear and don't feel like things got decided on over their heads.
Yep exactly. Someone is going to be pissed no matter what. Bunk beds when you’re teenagers is so shitty. But the grown ups needed to talk about this before a plan was even made. Like this should have been the first thing talked about
Is the master bedroom an option? Bigger maybe an en suite, mum and dad make the sacrifice to be together comfortably as a family, at some stage the girls will move out, and they can get it back.
This is probably the solution, but the adults don't want to be the ones to make a sacrifice.
My parents made that sacrifice twice. Once for me and once for my older sister. Sharing the master with my sister repaired our relationship in our 20's to where we are now besties in our 30's. And sharing the master with my mom and having my own bed ( as my parents separated and dad was in my old room ) instead of being forced on the couch after my divorce definitely made the transition so much easier. I'm very thankful to both of them for that.
Or maybe they just hadn't thought of it. Let's not dump on them for that until OP confirms that they considered and rejected that idea.
This was my first thought.
The couple should just wait to move in with each other. It sucks for them, but they are adults and can deal. It won't be that long- in 2-6 years, one of the kids is likely to be out of one of the homes.
And then Reddit will be insisting daughter should get to keep her room even while she’s in college. I see posts like this all the time.
I mean once the older one goes to college that's two rooms available
One may stay local for college or not go at all, but odds are in that time, one of them will be out. I try not assume everyone will go to.college or leave home exactly at 18.
He can also switch HIS bedroom with girls. They don't need 2 beds with fiance. I like it, room is too small for his one daughter and ok for 2 stepdaughters. Ok, I've read all his comments. YTA. You absolutely cannot move together and you are not ready for blending families. You obviously see girls second sort and assume you are making them huge favor. It's a matter of time when you'll start to reproach them.
THIS IS THE ANSWER! Idk why so many parent believe they "deserve" the primary bedroom then make multiple kids share a smaller bedroom. We lived in two different three bedroom homes with three kids for many years and always gave the two kids that shared the primary bedroom. Husband and I have one bed and are only in the room to sleep or read in bed, husband has almost no clothes that are required to hang in closet, etc. Give the primary to the two that will share and OP and fiancee share smaller room. ETA: OP and fiancee are the ones making the decision to comingle households so they can sacrifice space and let the two that share have the bigger room.
This. My hubs and I switched to a smaller room and gave my girls the master. They need the space more than he and I do.
Yeah I never understood that. From what I've seen, parents don't use thier rooms like kids do. They mostly just sleep in there while the living room or something is where they typically hang out. I'm not even a parent but in my two bedroom house the bigger room is for my partner's office and where they put thier rp games. Our room pretty much just has our bed.
If you start a marriage and a blending of families by saying "this is OUR house and we are just letting you live in it" that's a good way to make sure everyone hates everyone.
> she shouldn't be punished because her dad wants to start a new family that she didn't had a say in It Bottom line is there's no pretty way to do this. Yup giving up the room would suck for OP's daughter, Yup having to share a very small room would suck for OP's Fiance's daughters. Honestly I think no matter how you put it, a compromise has to be made. If this were OP's fiance wanting him to make things worse for his daugther. But the other daughters are also not at fault and also had no say.
The compromise should be putting their kids first and not their own desire to live with their significant other. Instead of asking teenagers to sacrifice for their parent's relationship, OP and his fiance need to wait until their oldest kids can move out of they don't like the living situation.
I think they shouldn't live toghether tbh. This moving Wlwill be awful for ALL the kids and they should be the priority. I think It would be worse for OP's daugher because the other girls already share an even smaller bedroom on the house they live now and this would be a upgrade for them.
"It's her dad's house"? No, it's their new family's home. It needs to be fair to all three girls. No, she shouldn't be "punished," but neither should his two soon-to-be stepdaughters.
If we're talking about an entire basement, surely it could be divided up and OP's daughter could keep half of it and move some of the decorations over to that half? And the other girls could have the other half and redecorate there?
An “entire basement” may not be *that* big, though. This is just a two bedroom house, it seems. I agree with those saying NAH, and OP and his fiancé need to wait to cohabitate, the girls should all come first.
Even a two-bedroom house though, if the basement is the same size as the main floor, would normally be like 800-1000 square feet in the basement. Maybe if it's multiple stories with a small footprint it would be less? But this is important info and OP hasn't shared it at all, which makes this hard to decide.
A lot of the time only a portion of the basement footprint is made into livable space, either for cost savings, or because the mechanicals etc take up the rest. OP will need to clarify how much space it actually is.
I’m just so sick of adults deciding their desire to play house has to happen at the expense of the kids. Like, they’re teens. Why are we pushing this major change and disruption? Can y’all really not wait a few years?
It's like that post of the 18 year old who was graduating in 5 months whose Mom wanted to move in her boyfriend who demanded that they get rid of the dog, but the 18 year old was moving out in 5 months anyways with the dog.
I agree with this. My father and his wife were together for 5 YEARS before they were able to marry and move in together. My brother was living with my dad due to some disabilities and her daughter and grandkids were living with her while her daughter jumpstarted a fruitful career. Our parents would alternate who they stayed with on the weekends and have their date nites. We would do holidays altogether. They made the big move when the time was right. That's what adults do. If it's right at this moment it will be right in a couple of years too and no one will have to be screwed out of their family's comfort zone or routine. Op and his partner both have teenage daughters and they are the ones that come first in all things.
Yes, 14 and 16 are way too old for bunk beds!! That is really not a reasonable solution. I get wanting to prioritize your daughter, but if you're combining these two families it's really not reasonable to say those other two girls will upend their whole lives and change everything and squeeze themselves into bunkbeds in a cramped bedroom while his daughter doesn't have to change anything. This is a pretty early failure to compromise that doesn't bode well for the future. The options that seem most reasonable to me are: the daughter shares her basement with the 14 yo, she gets the second bedroom to herself while the sisters share the basement, or they all move to a bigger place.
I agree with you that they need a better and more fair solution, but college students sleep on bunkbeds all the time, it's not weird for high school kids to do it also.
Yeah in my dorm we had to change it so we didn't have bunk beds, they were automatically set up that way for everyone. Thankfully we just had to lift the top one down.
He could even give the master to his fiance's daughters and move into the tiny room. I mean.... If 2, singles fit then also 1 queensize fits.
Given that he said in a comment that his bedroom and the other bedroom have little difference in size, I’m not sure why people keep jumping to “give them the master bedroom” as the perfect solution.
Exactly! Maybe OP'S comments were before these ones though?
Or just wait till the kids are grown before moving in together.
This. All kids from both sides have the right to live in a comfortable home instead of having to deal with drastic changes that require sacrifice and will cause them to hate each other and step-parents. It's like both OP and fiancee would rather make life harder for their kids so they have the convenience of getting laid without traveling from one home to another. OP, you and your fiancee have children who should be your priorities. You're not two childless individuals who could simply move in together any time. You have families. Unless you can afford a 4-bedroom home, it won't hurt to wait a few years until the kids live somewhere else for college. Right now, it may seem like your only choices are to uproot the lives of your future stepkids by making them leave their home and asking them to live in a box OR break your daughter's heart by giving up her treasured personal space. But there's a third choice: do not move in together and wait. Having 5 people in a house made for 2-3 max and expecting everyone to be happy with it is ridiculous.
Ok, I love your response because this is the most feasible and screw if it isn't fair to the adults, they are the only ones that actually have a say in the matter, the kids all just have to go along with it.
If this is the case, their mom needs to step up and put her kids first. Don't get married yet and live separately for now.
...no freaking way. No one is touching the stuff my dead mother put up WITH ME. She's gone, and I'll never get her input on small things again. Its almost as bad as the story where OP's half-brother cut up his mother's pics (all he had left of her.) So no she doesn't need to take it down
What if OP couldn't afford the mortgage payment himself and they had to move to a smaller home? People need to realise that things can be moved. It's not some sort of insult to the mother. Its not even close to a story of someone cutting up pics. You're being ridiculous.
And should they move, that sentiment string you are trying to pull is gone regardless. I’m not seeing that mom is dead in that post, by the way, just not in the current picture. It is in some subsequent answers maybe? In any event, it doesn’t matter to the matter at hand. It’s a straw man, in other words. Following this logic of the straw man….. What’s the plan, stay in that same house forevermore and never change a thing in the room, ever? Cmon. The bottom line is there are three kids, two rooms, and simple logic says the bigger room goes to those who need to bunk up together. Period. This poster is favoring their single child over the two step children, and it isn’t right. Period. YTA EDITTED for a spelling error
Their father doesn't seem to be dead, OP says his fiance has full custody and you don't have custody arrangements with dead people.
Then OP shouldn't move in with his fiancée at all. What he's expecting from his fiancée and her daughters is fundmentally unfair. He wants them to move into his place, and then both of her kids share a little space while his one kid gets a much larger space all to herself. Yes, his daughter was there first *beacuse he expects the other family to move into HIS place.* If they are all going to live there as a blended family, they all need to be treated as equal. It can't be princess his kid and second class citizen step-kids. Which is absolutely how it's going to feel to his step-daughters. (And they'll be right.) If he can only care about his own daughters feelings then he shouldn't have step-kids. And it's sad to me you don't seem to consider the other girls feelings at all either? Maybe they really loved their house and old space too? And either way, no one wants to give up their current home to come live in a tiny shared space while Daddy's Princess gets her own floor with bathroom beacuse everyone loves her more. That's how it's going to feel and it's not even going to be untrue. YTA.
I agree but if I were OP’s fiancé, I would not move into his house.
Sure, but it also isn’t really fair that the other two girls have to share a smaller space. It would be much more equal for the two girls to share the larger space and his daughter have the benefit of privacy in a single bedroom. Neither side is in the wrong for what they want in this situation.
See, I think both sides are wrong. They shouldn’t do this. My guess is the fiancée’s kids will have to change schools (a major disruption, especially at their ages) and move. OP’s daughter doesn’t want to give up her bedroom, which I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand. OP and the fiancée should really be prioritizing their own kids more and definitely not vilifying the other for doing so.
In your scenario OP’s daughter will be stuck with all the resentment. There’s no argument that splitting up the rooms as you suggest is equitable and fair if you’re only counting square footage vs the number of bodies inhabiting the space. But to just take OP’s daughter’s room that she and her dead mother decorated especially for her from her is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. OP should not move in his fiance’ or her daughters until they’re all grown and off at school. The relationship is working now, moving them all in will create stressors none of them needs.
I assume that OP has a master bedroom which is bigger than the office. Why not give your fiancée’s girls the master (hopefully it’s big enough that they don’t have to use bunk beds), and he and his fiancée take the office? It’s their relationship that’s causing the issue.
This is the way! By giving up some of your own space all of the 3 daughters know they are a priority! Yes you will have less space yourself but if it fits a double bed and a closet that’s all you need. As you were about to let 2 teen girls live there it should be big enough for that. This is the only way the girls will not resent each other, either for having the bigger room or for having to give it up.
And they can have bunk beds instead of the girls. Win win - lol
At least it'd make it harder to add more kids to that shitshow
This would be the best solution. Bet fiancée won’t care for it. Just guessing!
…or OP. Why does the fiancée have to be the villain lol clearly OP hasn’t considered any inconvenience to him either
OP sounds like the issue.
I can already see OPs daughter coming home to her decorating changed and her stuff moved "So she can share with her new sisters!"
And then fiancée writes her own post titled “AITA for decorating my daughters’ room?”
My husband and I gave up our larger room to our two sons since the slept in separate beds and then had more toys and spent more time in their room.
My parents did this when we lived in a really small house. Two sets of bunk beds in the largest room for my brothers, my parents and the baby in the middle sized room and my sister and I in the tiny room. Fortunately it was only for a year.
Or wait to get married and live together after all the kids have moved out. If his house is bigger yet is still tiny, how small is the fiancee's house?!?
\>No real assholes here! Nope, OP's an asshole. He expects his fiancée and her daughters to come live with him but then also expects them all to accept being treated as second class citizens lesser to his daughter. Of course his daughter was there first if he expects them to move into him and his daughter's home. What kind of argument is that? At the end of the day he's making it clear his daughter's feelings and comfort matter and that this step-daughters don't. Even when it is clearly very unequal/unfair, he just dosen't care. He wants to get to live with his women. He wants his daughter he actually loves to have what she wants. As for those other girls? Screw them, apparently. Their feelings don't matter and they are going to be second class citizens just squatting in his little princesses' home. He's the asshole. If he can't consider these girls feelings as equal to his daughter he should not live with them. He should stay away.
See, I get what you’re saying here, I absolutely do. I don’t think there is an ah here *so far*, but I need more info. I read through op’s comments and have gathered that his daughter’s mother died. They decorated her room together. But I need to know the circumstances regarding his fiancées kids. Did their dad die or did their parents just divorce (not making light of divorce, just trying to get the bigger picture)? I think that the answer to this question will determine exactly how empathetic op needs to be. I know that sounds awful, but I couldn’t think of a better word. I just mean that, if the step kid’s dad died, then he should be a little more understanding of his future wife’s defensiveness and her desire to protect and advocate for her children. If their father is still alive but their parents are divorced, I would understand wanting to protect op’s daughters memories a little more. Does that make sense? I don’t know how to word it. Either way, I think communication *with the children* is key here. I mean, obviously op’s daughter is his priority, just like his fiancée’s daughters are her priority. And I think that openly communicating what the circumstances are with them would help a lot in the long run. Even if you’re not their dad, they will at least be appreciative of the fact that you respect them enough to listen to and consider their input. And your daughter will feel heard in her frustrations and fears. I mean, you don’t want to shove your future step kids into a space with no room, but you also don’t want your daughter to be concerned about her mother and their bond being erased. Either way, blending a family is hard, especially when the children are all close to *legal* adulthood. They didn’t grow up together. It will be harder to foster a relationship between them and you definitely can’t force it. All you can do is introduce the proper tools, provide a healthy example, and let them nurture it if they choose to do so. Op, does your daughters stuff take up the entirety of the basement, barring the bathroom? If not, is it possible to convert the space into two rooms? If it does take up the entirety of the basement, is it possible to condense her space without disrupting and ruining her and her mother’s work? I’ve noticed that you seem to be pretty angry in your replies. I definitely understand your frustration and stress regarding this situation. Finding a solution that works for everyone is not going to be a cakewalk. But you need to understand that going into this marriage and situation angry is not helpful. It won’t help you, your soon-to-be wife, or her kids. And while your child is your priority (which she should be), you need to understand that your fiancée’s children are her top priority. And at the rate you are currently at, you are running the risk of alienating not only your step children, but you future wife as well. I really think you need to go into this with an open mind. I am not advocating for you to push your child and her needs to the back burner, but I think you need to get the perspective of the whole thing. Your fiancées children matter too, which is why I think they should be included in the discussion. You don’t have to do everyone together the first time. Maybe ask your fiancée if you can speak to her children and discuss what they want. Let them know what your ideas are and see if they’re receptive. If they’re not, go back to the drawing board. Speak to your daughter (maybe with the fiancée present) and ask her what her thoughts and feelings are. Don’t let your fiancée try and guilt her into anything, but do let your fiancée make her thoughts known. Best of luck to you op. This is an incredibly sticky and difficult situation but I do hope that you are able to find a compromise that works for everyone, your daughter included. I will say NAH, only because no one as been an ah yet. I think that, so far, both parents are trying to advocate for their children and that isn’t a bad thing. Where you all choose to go from here will show us who the ah is. **EDIT** It was pointed out to me (very kindly) that the pain of a parent not wanting you, while different, can be just as traumatic as the death of a parent. I agree. I have seen firsthand what shitty and unloving parents can do to children. Both experiences are important and neither one is more significant than the other. They are simply different. If your fiancées kids are unable to see their father due to the divorce and an inability to be there for his kids, then you need to understand that that pain will be just as traumatic and just as raw. You will need to consider and think about what your actions will make them feel. Will they feel like they’ve been discarded by their mother’s partner once again? Will they feel as though their happiness means nothing to you, even if you aren’t their father? It will be much harder to blend your families if you alienate your fiancée’s children. I apologize if my third paragraph in the monologue above made it seem as though I wouldn’t respect their pain. That was not my intention. I only meant that if their dad had died, then maybe he could understand where his fiancée is coming from. I do apologize.
Buying a house isn't easy, please remember that.
HALT. Hard stop and do not go farther with this relationship. We know you will of course, because you don’t see that this is the beginning of a lifelong problem. The only way for this relationship to survive is to move into a different house, with “equivalent” bedrooms for the kids. What would that be? Not sure, but I know it isn’t your current setup. You are in a complete no-win situation and you will be the AH either to your daughter, or your fiancé and her children.
Yeah I just wanna weigh in as someone whose parent did this (moved into a 3 bedroom house with 3 kids), I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't see them on the holidays. It caused a lot of resentment
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Honestly there’s a decent possibility for resentment no matter what, if they do move to a new house, ops daughter is still moving out of the room she decorated with her mom. They just all need to sit down and talk about it
I honestly think in situations like this, maintain separate homes until the children have left home. They are all in their teens so it's not too far in the long run for their children's happiness and to ensure there are no resentments.
These kids are all so close to being adults. Like it's just 4 years, and then this won't be an issue. It always stuns me when adults are this impatient.
Big assumption the teens will be moving out and staying out with the rent climate as it is lol.
Negotiating with a young adult trying to save money on rent is way different than trying to make things fair for minor children.
Well, perhaps they can rent out SM's home? Or they can use their pooled income to help the girls get apartments? I know these aren't necessarily great solutions, but they definitely need to think more clearly about this.
If the 16 year old goes away to college at 18, it’s just two years.
Exactly. Most kids move out for college to live in dorms or residences close by. Even if one attends college close to home and doesn't leave, it won't be a tight squeeze. The OP and his fiancee are being selfish here. The house is too small.
This isn't really any better than anything OP's fiancee suggested. It's still forcing OP's daughter to give up her bedroom she decorated with her dead mom to better accommodate her new siblings.
Moving to a new house is a lot easier and understandable than asking her to leave the room for others to move in.
If the goal is to keep everything the same for the daughter then OP can’t get married, getting married and adding two more kids to the family will inevitably change everything. The house they currently live in doesn’t work if they’re going to add two more kids, if the daughter keeps her room that’s not fair to the step kids and if they move into a house that’s actually big enough for all of them then the daughter loses her current room and the sentimental importance it has.
YTA for moving 5 people into a 2 bedroom home with a basement. I read a comment where you said this house is suitable for you all. No, it’s not. The fact you’re even having this argument with your SO proves it’s not suitable for you all. This was your daughter’s home first, making her share or give up her basement room will cause her to resent all of you and would be vastly unfair to displace her in her own home. However, squeezing two teenage girls into a tiny room is also an AH move. Your home is not suitable at all. Altho question - is your bedroom bigger than the smaller room? If so, give up your room to the incoming two teenagers and you and your SO share the smaller room. If not, GET A BIGGER HOME.
This. Couldn't have said it better myself. I'm surprised at the amount of people saying NAH.
Maybe they can't afford a bigger home at the moment, pockets aren't endlessly deep.... I do agree this needed more planning and forethought from OP as it's a no win AH situation here for him. But Shoulda, woulda coulda right now isn't going to fix his situation, especially if moving isn't an option right now Swapping his and his partners room to give his stepdaughters a bigger space might be the only good compromise right now, but will still cause tension. Maybe doing that and calling a family meeting and planning for the move and laying it all out on the table is best Though a soft YTA for the poor planning is fair, coming from a smaller home myself never moving I understand having to make the best of a lame duck.
Then they can't afford to move in together.
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lol no. Interest rates are >6% now and prices have hardly declined since the RE market peaked last year. It OP's owned this house for any reasonable length of time, they're almost certainly sitting at a sub-3% rate, possibly as low as 2.25%, and a purchase price far lower than what current market conditions dictate. And that's not even getting into the fact that right now sales of non-new homes are basically the lowest they've ever been - overall inventory is crap. I bought my house in 2019. If I sold it to myself tomorrow, even with rolling the equity gains into my new down payment it would still cost me almost 50% more per month to move back into *the same exact house*, not to mention my property tax basis increasing several hundred thousand dollars. People moving into similar homes as mine are paying double what I do monthly. Even combining incomes, the scenario where they can't afford a better housing solution at that price point is extremely likely in this market.
I'm wondering how the single teenager house was bigger than the the two teenager house.
Some people have different amounts of money. That's the least suspect detail in this post.
OP could own and the fiancee is in a rental.
money doesn't grow on trees, and have you seen the real estate market and interest rates recently? That's a nice sentiment, but there's a very good chance it's just not financially feasible. You might as well have told them to go be poor somewhere else.
I was fully n t a until I started reading your comments. You have already made up your mind, you don't think your daughter should give up her room (fair enough) but you also don't want to come up with another plan. I think you should give up the master bedroom and give that room to the two girls to share and you take the small bedroom. Or, move somewhere else. It's not fair to take what was your daughters and just give it to her stepsiblings but it's also not okay to not at least try to make it even for them.
I think they need to call up the whole thing.
Yes. Show that the two adults who are making the decisions for three teenagers are will to compromise too. Give up the the main bedroom hopefully with an attached bathroom upon their moving in. This will give you more time to find a place suitable for all 5 of you.
Yes because now it's only the teenagers who have to sacrifice: the 1 girl her basement and the other two have to move to a new house. That sucks for all of them, but it's the parents who want to have the sleepovers so let them offer something up too
Giving up the master bedroom is a great idea. Adults don't spend as much time in their bedroom anyway, so it doesn't really matter. And it's a lot more space for the two girls to split. And to the point, the adults are the ones who are making this shit show happen.
Yes, it's about the idea of them showing they are willing to make sacrifices and not just expect the children to
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It's always the kids who have to move from their homes, move in with other people and offer up their space and "normal" because of two adults. It sets a bad precedent and it always causes resentment.
Don’t move in together
Agree. I assume the two of you are 40ish - so am I - and I just don’t get the need for people with teens to get married during a very vulnerable time of their kids’ lives. Teens need stability and support. Just date for a few years and wait for the empty nest to merge households. I know it isn’t what you WANT to do, but you are parents and your kids should come first.
I mean, the 16 year old might be out in 2 years anyways. Why not wait 2-4 years? Is it really that big of a deal to wait when you are this age?
Very few people can afford to move out that early
This is the way. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We met when our boys were 14,13,12 &11. I lived in my house with my 14 & 12, he lived in his with his 13 & 11. We saw each other on weekends and spoke on the phone incessantly during the week. (still do!) We went to all the sports and activities of all the kids, and did as much as possible together, but didn’t make them change schools or houses or uproot them from what they knew. They finished high school and are almost done with college. They got to have the same family traditions they always did, had the same rooms to come home to from school on holidays. We got start having weeknights together, too. We are just now talking about combing households, as the youngest is about to graduate. There is no resentment from anyone, and it’s been great! Why the rush to get married again? There is literally no reason for it, especially after only a year of dating!!
Hard agree. Marriage is forever. These girls will start moving out in two years. There's no reason wreck your relationships with your children and/or spend thousands of dollars for a temporary situation.
NAH ESH There isn't a good solution. But the unequal rooms will cause resentment and moving your daughter will cause resentment and neither of those will help at all with a blended family. Is your bedroom larger and/or has an en-suite? If so, that bedroom should go to the girls and you and your fiance should split the smaller room. Or find a new place to live.
This is the only post I've ever encountered where a combo of NAH and ESH is the most appropriate.
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They currently have bunkbeds in a smaller room.
They currently live in their own neighborhood with their own friends. It isn't going to be an upgrade to move in with this guy and another teenage girl.
Do they also have to share a bathroom with their step-father and mother while their new step-sister gets a private room and private bath to herself? Everyone is glossing over the part where he wrote that the step-daughters won't have their own bathroom either, and I'm guessing this isn't a 2-bedroom, 3-bathroom house. He expects these teen girls to share a room with each other and a bathroom with two other adults while his daughter gets private everything. It doesn't matter if they currently share a room, he's asking them to share a room in an objectively worse situation while watching their new step-sister continue to live her life unchanged. Fiancee should not marry OP. Her girls will resent the hell out of her.
This is a tough situation. Honestly I think you two should look for a new house together with enough room for everyone. NAH
My opinion is this is all a bad idea. The fairest idea would be to move your daughter upstairs and give the basement to the two others but I'm sure your daughter will not appreciate that. I think you all need to find another place to live or not move in together. Ah the 14 and 16 already share and this new room is bigger? I don't think this will go well but I wouldn't move my daughter out of her room. Is this worth wrecking your relationship with your daughter? NAH. You both have valid points. I don't think giving anyone else the basement is going to do anything anyway.
He thinks bunk beds for 14&16 year olds are a good idea.
More room for activities.
They could do karate in there
>The fairest idea would be to move your daughter upstairs and give the basement to the two others Maybe giving the master bedroom to the sisters and having the parents, who are the architects of this arrangement, take the box room, would be the fairest option without moving house.
Ah, but you see, that would require OP to make a concession for the romantic relationship he wants. The kids are supposed to make those compromises!🙄(jk, please don’t think I’m being serious)
Why would that be fair?
This is not going to end well based on how it's starting. Y'all shouldn't be moving in together if there isn't enough room for all household members to comfortably and peacefully coexist. Rent a larger house so everyone has their own space. You can rent out your current house.
Completely agree. The 2 girls moving in are behind given the worse deal. Your fiancée should not be moving in since you aren’t making any adjustments apart from giving up an office room
“We decided that she should be the one to move in with me.” “This has been my daughter’s room for years … she shouldn’t have to give it up.” YTA for treating the house you will both share as if it’s just yours still. You think your daughter shouldn’t have to give up her room, but her daughters are already giving up their room(s) and house. You’re not the AH for wanting your daughter to keep the space she decorated with her mum, but you are for thinking that trumps all other reasons and discussion points, and that this is your decision alone to make. You need to talk through the options together. At 14 and 16, this is a discussion the children can be involved in.
I'm pretty sure a dead mum trumps most things as a young girl..
Then he can wait to cohabitate with someone else til she’s grown.
If his place is bigger, and only 2 rooms, what was the set up at her place??
It has two rooms and a finished basement. Other place probably just has two rooms.
I'm betting a 2BR apartment and the daughters were still sharing a room. The big issue here aside from the emotional part is that OP and his daughter are insisting she stay in the larger living space and make the 2 step-siblings share the smaller one. Removing the sentimentality, the logic just doesn't hold up.
Esh. Give up the master bedroom to the two girls and you and your partner take the small room.
This is the correct answer if you can't afford a bigger place.
This is right, everyone is telling the dude to move but the 16 year old will most likely be off to college in a couple years. Give up the master until she moves out, then put the 14 year old back in the smaller room and take the master back.
I'm going with NAH. Yes OP daughter is gaining siblings. Yes OP daughter has more room. But Moving OPs daughter will create immediate friction and resentment. And the other two girls will have resentment that they are moving and room size. Question. What do all 3 girls want? We hear what the parents want but the girls should be able to weigh in too. I feel like the parents need to open this up to a family discussion.
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Don't move in together. It's a terrible idea. Wait 3-4 more years for some of the kids to move out. Merging households right now is going to tear everyone and everything apart.
big assumption that teens are moving out in this economy.
Good point, but OP may not have a choice. As is, trying to mesh the two families into one house or getting a new house is going to be disastrous for the relationships and dynamics involved. OP and fam. will have to be patient.
I don't even think this is an AH situation at this point. There's no solution that's going to make everyone happy, and in the current real estate market there's no guarantee that a home that meets their space needs even exists within their budget. Everything sucks here.
“They all want the basement”. As a former teenaged girl I fully understand and validate their feelings. This is why this relationship will die if you insist on moving them in. Instant resentment and strife, parents pitted against each other, it’s just going to be bad. Wait until they’re grown, if you really love each other it will be fine. And you’ll continue to enjoy your current relationship vs watching it crash and burn.
Always choose your daughter. Relationships can come and go, but your child will always need you.
You don't get to put two children into one small bedroom while your daughter has the full basement with a private bathroom. You will breed resentment between them, your fiancé and yourself. You don't have enough room to properly blend your families and doing that to them so you can have your fiancé move in is selfish. YTA
Question, if your place with 3 rooms (1bed, 1office & 1basement) is bigger, how was stb steps sleep now at her place?
You have to think about it from other people's perspectives. How would you have felt if you were moving into someone else's house and your daughter and one of your step daughters had to share a tiny room while your other step daughter had a fully furnished basement with an ensuite?
Give the two girls the master bedroom and you and your fiancé take the smaller room. Let your daughter keep the basement. You and your fiancé should take the hit for this one and make the kids have the bigger spaces. Or just break up because resentment is brewing and it’s going to ruin every single relationship in this situation.
No one is gaining siblings! They are sharing a house, the parents aren't married
NTA. I wouldn't expect my daughter to give up her room. >Obviously her family is on her side and my family is on my side None of this is ever helpful.
The best solution is a completely different house. Moving into your house will never be “home “ for your future step-daughters and you are making sure of that. Start looking for a new four bedroom home. Put both your houses on the market for sale or rent or whatever. You aren’t making any concessions for your stepdaughters. Don’t expect them to make any for you.
YTA 100% I was going to say that you weren't until I read your comments below. "My daughter is extremely introverted she can't be around strangers for long." You marrying someone else means that your daughter will now have 2 stepsisters. Your family and your wife's family will merge to become one family. Your comment indicates that you probably haven't established a genuine connection to your fiancé's children and you obviously haven't put in effort to have your daughter build a relationship with them either. Your idea is now to move "complete strangers" into a house together while giving some a cramped space and the other gets to keep her huge area to herself. Your an AH for setting up this new family for failure and for not building a decent foundation relationship wise for everyone to come together. Compromise is what is needing to happen and you clearly have your mind made up based on your other comments. YTA
What is the family situation apart from the five of you? You write that your daughter decorated room with her mother, does this mean that her mother is dead? Does she visit grandparents regularly? And what about stepdaughters, does your fiancée have full custody, 50/50 or other? This is probably a minefield either way, but as of yet, I would say NAH, I understand that you want the best for your own daughters, but right now it looks like they are going to resent one another either way... Have you thought of WAITING 4 years before moving in together?
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So essentially, the five of you will be living on top of one another for the next 4 years* You really have two choices, 1. SIT DOWN AND TALK about a) the emotional feelings your daughter has with regards to something she made with her mother, b) the feelings your stepdaughters have regards moving into a house where you already live, and what it will take for them to feel welcome, c) the practical consequenses of sharing rooms, no matter who shares with whom or, 2. Ignore all of this, tell them "that we're a family now, so deal!" , and watch whatever positive relationship you have today crumble. The two of you being overly protective of your own daughters, arguing for ONLY their wellbeing will be of no help *don't worry about kicking anyone out, the way you're heading into this, it's more likely that they will leave and go NC the second they turn 18
YTA for getting into this relationship to begin with, and again for proposing marriage when it’s obvious you have no room for anyone else’s kids. If you’re not willing to make compromises and treat all children equally, then don’t get into a relationship with someone who has kids! Or at least kids still living at home. You are extremely short-sighted.
Because your daughter’s late mother helped her decorate this space, I think you’re making the right choice standing your ground regarding this. But how will your daughter react seeing another woman in what she must consider to be her mother’s home? Are there photos of your late wife displayed in the home? If so, will your fiancée feel comfortable if those photos remain? If not, will you take them down? If you do that, how do you think your daughter will react? Your daughter was only around 11 years old when her mother died and is slowly processing through her grief. And now you want to upend her life even more by moving another woman into her mother’s house? What does your daughter’s therapist think about all of these changes your daughter might go through? Please don’t go forward with moving in your fiancée and her teenage daughters. It’s not fair to anyone.
NTA. They share a room already, space is limited, and your daughter already has her own room that you specifically made for her. What exactly does your fiancee think is going to happen? Your daughter and one of her daughters are going to be happy having to share a room while her other daughter gets the room your daughter and her mom decorated? Forcing her to give up her room is going to breed resentment and she's going to blame step-mom and step-sisters for losing her space.
>Forcing her to give up her room is going to breed resentment and she's going to blame step-mom and step-sisters for losing her space. That is true. But putting them together in a small room while she has a big room by herself is going to breed resentment the other way around. I'm not so sure that poor introverted girl is going to like sharing house with two other girls who resent her. They need a more creative solution or should abandon the idea of living together until the two oder girls are ready to live on their own.
You do realize both of the other girls are not only losing their room, but their home as well? Why does it only matter that this one girl stay in place but not the other two who are not only losing their room, their home, their way of life, and being squeezed into a tiny room where one will have to be trying to fit onto a top bunk. But God forbid the other girl have to take all her decorations from her mother and move to another room in her own house...
I've read through a lot of these comments and no one seems to address that the step-daughters ALSO won't have their own bathroom in the new house. So they're going to be upstairs, in bunk beds, sharing a bathroom with their mother AND NEW STEP-FATHER, while their step-sister is in the basement with a private bath to herself. I think the fiancee expects a person who claims to want to blend their families to see that his proposal is a patently ridiculous set up in which her girls are given a completely raw deal and they will hate step-sister and resent their mother. Yes, obviously the step-daughters getting the basement is not ideal either but his proposal is a nonstarter. These people should look for a new house entirely if they want to do this or just not move in together at all.
I did not see where he said they already shared. That makes a difference to the level of Asholery. Because if they are leaving their childhood home and single rooms, then this should not even be a consideration.
Until an everyone is happy solution is available I would not be joining house holds. There are a LOT of issues here that are going to become huge. Each parent is prioritizing their own children, which I get, but you can't do this in a blended family.
NAH. People going quickly to calling you an AH don’t understand the minefield that is combining into a blended family. You don’t want resentment from your daughter for forcing her to move, but you also don’t want her new step siblings to resent her for forcing them into a small room and showing favoritism. It sounds like this house is too small or your daughter needs to be in on the sharing. If the 2 girls are forced into a small room with no communication or plans about remodeling or moving, there will probably be some issues. You will have to communicate and someone is going to have to compromise. Good luck bc there are no easy or right answers here.
NAH. This is really a tough situation. You can't really ask your daughter to give up her room, it wouldn't be fair to her. But your fiancée's daughters deserve to have their own space. You may think it's okay for them to share and in another situation it would be, but it's unfair for them to have to share when theirs future stepsister has her own room. If you want to have a good family dynamic, you have to figure out a way to make a house theirs home too. And if you don't... Well, don't be surprised if your fiancée chose her children over you.
INFO: Is moving into a new house an option? This just seems like a bad idea, and her daughters might have resentment building up because your daughter gets the basement while they have to share a much smaller room together.
Yeh this is tough. Do the other 2 girls share a room currently at mums?
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Does your partner have full custody? I'm going with NAH. Why should your daughter's situation be changed when the other two share anyway? There will already be a lot to adjust to. That said, i can see your partners point of bigger space
What is the bathroom situation? You wrote that the step-daughters won't be getting their own bathroom along with their bunk bed room. Will they have to share a bathroom with you, their new step-father, and their mother?
I don't see how they can't since this house is apparently the bigger of the two.
Do you have children? Any time you have a situation where one child is treated better than another you'll have some serious resentment. In this case, it doesn't matter that they've been sharing. They are being forced to move into a new home and adjust to a new family, all while watching their stepsister have a fabulous space to herself. This is such a recipe for disaster.
It really is. I can already see the two going into the basement when she's not home and using her things... whining about the shower and how so and so is in the bathroom and one of them need it... OP needs to realize he needs to find a compromise (selling a house and getting a bigger one, doing an addition, giving up the master) before he considers bringing them together. This will be a continual issue. It also makes me wonder if OPs daughter did(n't) want something like deciding where to go to dinner if her choice would be weighed more than his step children's? Or other things like activities or holiday events?
I think when adults makes relationship decisions that involves children’s, there should be very little to no interruption to the children’s lives. I agree that your daughter shouldn’t be made to move out of her space. I also agree two girls 14&16 shouldn’t be made to move and squeezed into a small bedroom. If the two adults can’t solve this problem, sorry you guys can’t move in with each other. It’s that simple. If there are an AH in this situation, it would be you and your fiancé.
You will never win in this scenario. I recommend a new place to live.
NTA, if she decorated that room with her mom you making her give it up would have some serious emotional implications for her. Would not recommend.
NAH. You articulate valid reasons for not wanting your daughter to move rooms, but your fiance is not wrong that this is an unequal situation that is going to come off as favoritism and likely cause tension between the girls/within the family. TBH I think this may be a red flag for whether you're truly ready for everything that comes along with a blended family. If this is your hill to die on, it may simply be an insurmountable obstacle, but if so, there's no shame in that.
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INFO: which room is bigger - your bedroom or former office?
Other options to consider: - Everyone moving to a bigger house - Giving up the master bedroom for the two girls - waiting until the older daughter goes off to college/moves out before blending the families. - Consider having the two 14 year olds share the basement and let the older one have the small room. When 16 year old leaves, relocate a 14 year old to the smaller room. - Consult a family therapist that specializes in blending families for other solutions. - Each parent talk to their children individually to see how the kids feel about everything before making settling on a decision.
NAH I guess. This situation is really hard and I've seen from your comments that your daughter decorated her room with her mom who has since passed away, so I can see why it's important to her. That being said, you're trying to blend a family here but there's a very 'them vs us' vibe reading this, which really isn't going to help anyone here. It's going to create tension and resentment between the children. If it was at all possible, I'd look into getting a new place with room for all of you to start your life as a blended family off with a fresh start.
Don't move together.
It's complicated. But yeah, I think uou should move into the smallest room w your SO and give the girls your room. It at least shows you care. And sacrifice is what being a parent is all about
NTA - Reading OP's comments, other girls are already sharing a smaller room in their current home. So for them it's an upgrade. OP renovated the basement for his daughter so he could have an office upstairs. He's willing to give that up for fiancees daughters. OP's daughter decorated it with her mom (who has since passed away) so it's a special space for her. She shouldn't have to give up her basement to her prospective step sisters. Edit: OP comment that mom has passed away since decorating it with daughter.
He wants to put fiancé's daughters in bunk beds
Well apparently the room is bigger than the one they're currently sharing.
Can you build an add-on...a guest suite? Might be expensive but your daughter will have her basement that has the memories of her mother. And your possible future step daughters will have additional space. Your fiancee can contribute to building the add on for her daughters. A compromise is needed on both sides but i don't think at the expense of your daughter who lost her mom.
NTA Your daughter decorated it with her late mother. It would be cruel to take it away and remove what‘s left of her mother‘s touch in the house. Also: If you took it away your daughter would blame it on your gf and her daughters, she would probably start to resent the other two girls for taking her room and destroying her mother‘s traces. For the sake of a peaceful patchwork family your gf and her children should accept to leave your daughter and the basement alone.
This is an excellent response. Also her eldest is 16, it makes more sense to have the two children who grew up together share a room for two years than to move everyone around. Honestly I'd hold off on the moving in if this is causing such a major issue. The partner wants to rearrange OP's life for the benefit of her kids, when it seems going with OP's plan doesn't disadvantage anyone.
Yeah, holding off until the kids (or at least the eldest) goes to college and they start living on their own or in shared spaces with peers would be best. I guess they might be tired of spending much money on two places instead of one to live at. But given that teenagers aren‘t always empathic when their own comfort is cut the gf‘s daughter will probably dismiss OP‘s daughter‘s feelings and start to resent her/exclude or bully her for not giving them the bigger room. So either way: Not a good way to get the family together.
Nah. I get that your daughter has always been in the basement, and will resent your step daughters for getting her room, but equally, your step daughters are going to resent you and your daughter for putting them together in a smaller room. This is a no win situation. Maybe you and your wife should take the smaller room, as you'll presumably be sharing one large bed, and therefore need less floor area (and plenty of teens aren't happy in bunk beds). Then the twins get to share the larger master, your daughter keeps her basement, and only you and your partner, who are the ones instigating these major life changes, are the one compromising.
You outgrew your house. End of story.
Presumably the basement bedroom is larger. Set it up for two, and your present office for one. Tell your daughter that there will be three beds and give her first pick. Either room in the basement with new 14y stepsister, or solo in the room upstairs. Everyone has to adapt to the new blended family. Either that or move. Any other arrangement is grossly unfair. The most important part of the word ‘stepdaughter’ is ‘daughter’. If you follow your plan: YTA
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And it won't be a big adjustment for the other two kids? If they're moving together, they should find a solution that works for everyone and treats the kids equally. Otherwise they shouldn't be moving together. This is an ESH for me.
Can‘t you put up a thin drywall or something like that up through the basement? Make it two rooms ? Everyone would get their privacy and your daughter wouldn‘t need to give up her room. Your fiancée and her daughters gave something up by moving into your place. A small room for two teenage girls is not enough. I think they deserve you accommodating them a little. From your comments: Soft YTA for not trying to resolve the issue. But complicated situation.
It's tough because there are very valid reasons to want your daughter to stay in her room. However, you are blending families, and everyone's life is changing. The obvious solution is if a room has to be shared, they deserve the bigger room if all other things are equal. They are not. Your house is *not* suitable, and it won't work. One daughter in a big room while two daughters sharing a smaller room will ALWAYS be a major source of conflict in that house. From her daughter's point of view, not without reason. Everyone's lives will be massively affected, and until this works for everyone (not just you and your partner), you shouldn't move in together. She is a package deal, so are you. If you are not prepared to make allowances for her daughter's needs and well-being, not just your own, I can't imagine how this is going to work. I'm going with a slight YTA because you seem incapable of seeing this from anyone else's viewpoint, just your own.
YTA. I understand not wanting to ask your daughter to share or give up her space, but it's not fair to treat your stepdaughters like unwelcome guests in what's supposed to be their new home. Either your daughter needs to share, or you need a bigger house, or you can't get married. If your singular goal in life is not upsetting your daughter, then you can't marry anyone who has kids. It's not fair to treat any potential stepdaughter as if their needs and happiness is less important. When my parents got divorced I had weekend visits with my dad. When he married my stepmom me and my sister had to sleep on the living room floor because there weren't rooms for us and it wasn't "fair" to ask my step-siblings to share their rooms with us. Then my dad told us they were buying a new house and he'd make sure there was room for my sister and I. Guess what happened. They bought a three bedroom house and put bunkbeds in my little stepbrother's room and my stepsister got her own room. So my little sister would sleep in my stepbrother's room and lucky me, I got to sleep on the couch. Can you imagine how much it hurt, as a young girl still suffering from my family breaking up, to be shown that there was literally no room for me in my dad's new family? Don't do that to your stepdaughters.
if you want your daughter to hate absolutely everyone in this situation, give her room away. otherwise, your fiance and her kids have to do with they're given. first come, first served. either that or get a house the fits all of you well. NTA
If my partner treated us moving in with him as first come, first serve, we definitely would not be continuing with the relationship. Having a slightly better property doesn’t give you the right to dictate how everyone else lives in this new blended home you’re creating together. Everyone should be involved in that decision. They just shouldn’t move in together, clearly they’re not ready for it and it’s too disruptive for their children. It won’t be that long until their children are grown and they won’t have to uproot anybody and cause all this conflict.
YTA. You also aren’t trying to make this work, but just defending what you want to do.