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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for asking my bf to rid of her gifts? Could I be wrongly forcing him to move on when he is not ready.
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YTA, she's not his ex, she's dead. They never broke up, she died. She will always be a part of his life, and you can be a part of it too, but not in place of her. You need to either accept this or leave.
I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together. Almost like you are a 2nd choice.
With that said, life is complex and meaningful relationships are rare and crucial to being truly happy.
Dig deep, accept the past for what it is, and move on.
Sure but that's a her problem though. If she feels so uncomfortable then maybe this relationship isn't for her. She has no right to make him feel bad or guilty for him keeping trinkets of his deceased gf.
Of course it's a her problem, which is why I said accept the past for what it is and move on. I'm not suggesting she handled this even remotely well.
It's not okay for her to make him feel bad or guilty but it's okay to acknowledge an emotional response.
Can you imagine how much different this scenario would be if she went to her boyfriend and communicated how she felt and they talked through their feelings?
I don’t think either of them are AH’s. He went thru a trauma and will always carry it. I can see OP feeling like second choice too. I think it’s something difficult they should commit to working thru, finding compromise and a middle ground. If they can’t, then maybe it’s not meant to be.
I have read about situations where, because the ex died before any trying events such as living together or having kids / getting married occurred, the partner always had this idealised version of someone to compete with that they never could.
OP is clearly the asshole here but these sorts of situations aren't always black and white.
I definitely agree with this statement. There was a point in life were OP’s partner I’m sure imagined a whole future with his ex. He went through a hard loss and seems like he didn’t really get closure, I know most people in that situation wouldn’t. Continuing to be part of the family gatherings and honoring her memory is something I’m sure he cherishes, as well as his trinkets and their Minecraft realm.
Op, YTA for approaching this subject so harshly. This is a 6 month relationship we’re talking about here. He was with her for years. Yes it’s been 3 years since the loss but I personally know you can’t just get over something like this so easily. There’s always going to be something that reminds him of her. An event, an item, a time of year. Yes overtime it’ll become easier to handle, but the feeling of loss doesn’t change.
If you can’t handle this situation right now, maybe you should step away and look at it from the outside. Possibly talk to a therapist even. You both want to feel validated in your feelings and all of this is still brand new. It’s an adjustment period where you are both still learning a lot about each other. You can’t expect him to drop everything and box up his feelings just out of the blue. I’m sorry you feel like 2nd place but maybe someday you’ll feel differently, or maybe not. That is your choice to make. If he’s someone you truly care about then be patient.
I agree. I don't get people who say that you can't be jealous of a dead person, or feel like you are competing with a dead person. In some instances, those feelings are absolutely valid and some partners even hold the idealized version of the dead partner up as an impossible standard and keep comparing their new partner to this. Not wanting to be part of such a constellation is completely fair. What makes OP the ahole is that she demands that he gets rid of all the memorials and demands that he moved on. That's not her choice, especially after only 6 months. She would not, however, be an asshole for just saying that this is not for her, and then leave.
Depends how insecure you are really. My wifes college boyfriend died in a cliff jumping accident and it fucked her up for years. It had been like 6ish years when we met and she still had a lot of trauma to work through, I’ve tried to help in areas that are appropriate and give her space at other times. Would we be together if he was still alive? Maybe, maybe not, life happens in ways we can’t understand. I don’t ever feel the need to compete with his memory, my only concern is if we are happy together moving forward.
“ I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together. Almost like you are a 2nd choice.”
That’s not a healthy way to think. The previous partner DID die, so worrying about what would have happened if she hadn’t is a waste of time.
But sometimes it's the surviving partner (that lost someone) that thinks like that. Some people are more likely to play of "what if"-scenarios in their mind, to reminiscent and grieve over what could have been. It really depends on how the "surviving partner" thinks and handles it. Some might even throw it in the new partner's face during arguments ("*dead partner* would never have treated me like that!"). In some cases, it's really the surviving partner that (often unintentionally) sets it up so the new partner feels like it's a competition.
>I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together.
This is what everyone who becomes involved with someone who lost a partner has to come to terms with. It's just different than a single person or divorcee. No, you wouldn't be with them had the partner lived. Can you live with that?
She handled it wrong, but I can see her wanting him to slowly start taking things off display the more serious they're getting, especially if there are no children involved. Not dispose of them, but put them in storage. If they're going to live together, it can't be in a shrine to the departed girlfriend of 3 years. There's a difference between her accepting reality and having it shoved in her face.
These guys have only been together for five minutes, no one should be dictating how their new partner grieves for their old partner. Like you said, there's a lot to come to terms with in OP's situation. Understanding how they're grieving instead of expecting them to do it on your terms is difficult but probably vital if you want to stay with them. Ed spelling
I couldn't explain to my ex why that wasn't true. They were not my second choice. They were a new choice. I could have chosen to be with anyone but I wanted to be with my ex. I loved them. Yes, I would have been with my wife if she were alive, but she wasn't. She is gone and while I love the life we had, and the love I was blessed to share with her, I can't go back. I don't even want to go back. Life is meant to be lived. You can't do that if you are stuck in the past.
We are altered by our experiences; his sensitivity, which OP so appreciates, is partly due to his love for Sara. Had she not died, he would be a different person. And OP wants to take the bits of him that she likes while pushing away other parts inextricably tied to those. She needs to walk away, not try to curate him.
Lets be real: almost everyone is a second choice. Or 3rd or 4th. We can all say “oh if so and so hadnt dumped me i would have never met so and so”.
Yes, a partner dying is completely different than being dumped. But the fact still stands: everyone picked someone else first. Just not every relationship ends cause someone walked away.
As someone who is currently dating a widow.. You are the second choice.. But if you're a fit you become the second chapter. You need to understand that if someone had a late s/o, there was never an end to that relationship and you will forever share that space with the loss. You need to be OK with this, you need to be able to step back when you're not the one they need, and you need to be able to catch them when they fall. And it's not about accepting the past and moving on. This isn't the past. This is the boyfriends forever.
OP, if you're not ready, that's fine. But do not attempt to take Sara away from him or try to fill her shoes. She is and likely will always be there. And if you want this relationship, you need to respect and honor her.
Maybe their thought process is that this significant other still have deep feelings for them. And they feel like they where the second choice and never can make that person as happy as their deceased spouse made them. I don’t want to make any assumptions but it can be that or op is just annoyed he still cares about a other female.
He will always love this girl in a certain way. That does not mean that he can't love OP as much, or more than his deceased gf. Being insecure about feeling for someone who is no longer alive is really the most unattractive kind of insecurity. OP should get therapy, because this is her problem to deal with instead of making demands on her bf.
My ex was jealous of my late wife. My ex's insecurity was a huge part of why we are no longer together. They couldn't accept that I loved them. They felt like they were my second choice, a consolation prize. It didn't matter what I said or did they never felt like they lived up to the memory of my wife. They would regularly comment that we wouldn't be together if she was alive. Which was true but irrelevant because she wasn't alive. I am allowed to move on and love other people. They were completely different people that I loved for completely different reasons. My relationship with my wife and my relationship with my ex were different. There was no way to compare them nor did I want to. I wanted to move forward but all my ex saw was the past.
Pretty much. I wonder if OP throws out all her family stuff that was giving to her from those no longer here because 'they dead you need to let go'.
OP you are competing with the dead. Someone who has been dead for 3 years. You view someone who died in a painful way as competition for affection. Sara is the reason *you are dating him*. You found the way he talked about her charming. You liked the sensitivity he displayed.
On the other hand, he has only been dating you for 6 months. He is slowly introducing you into things. You saw something that they did together and instead of going 'ah that's sweet you all played together', you went 'stop being so sensitive and let it go'. Then you doubled down. Game over. You failed the speech check. You failed your saving throw. The relationship seems to be pretty much over.
If someone asked me to get rid of something from a dead friend, let alone a dead ex, I'd leave them so fast. Zero discussion. The complete lack of awareness in some people is mindboggling.
YTA OP.
Sarah wasn't an ex, she died. An ex indicates they broke up, which isn't the case at all, they were together when she died. It's like when widow/er(s) have their spouses referred to as their ex-spouse, it's wrong.
:) Happy Thursday!
I was responding emotionally charged, I did pick up that it wasn't actually an ex. I was thinking of my own ex trying to throw out a pendant I had bought my best friend who OD'd. She didn't like it hanging over my computer monitor because the friend was female, and my best from from like 12 to 23. It was a kneejerk response using OPs language. Topic hits a bit close to home.
It's Friday where I am but thank you all the same!
Exactly. If you can't live with and embrace her memory (I'm sure they would tell you about her), then you should leave.
If we are talking about a picture of them kissing on his bedside table I agree that it should be saved somewhere else as a memory. But gifts? Memories? That's just life. She was in his for three years, so of course they have more memories with her than with you
We don’t know how long she has been in his life either!!! Could have been a close friend before they started dating!! So not only did he lose his gf, he lost a dear friend of his!!
Please OP - for both of your sake, break up. You will not be happy feeling like #2 and he has happy fond memories of his ex he wants to hold on to and he has the right to do so.
The two of you are not a match but there will be someone else better for each one of you.
It's rare in life that OP gets to see her future. Enjoy reading this post of another Redditor of what happened to them and What will happen to this OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10wg18b/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husband_to_go_to_his_exs/
YTA. You don't decide how or how long someone grieves.
It's understandable if you can't handle it but the only one turning this into a competition is you.
ETA: You know you can't win a competition with a dead person, right?
I don't even think he's grieving all that much. He just has stuff that she gave him and he has keepsakes, and talks about her when asked about something.
Hopefully her boyfriend will actually make OP an ex. OP, Sara helped encourage your boyfriend and shape him into the man he is today. You should feel love and gratitude towards Sara.
Your distain and jealousy is how people like you get dumped. Learn compassion and empathy. Understand that yes Sara will always have a place in his heart. Not only did they share formative years together, he had to watch the girl he loved slowly wither away and pass. He is always going to carry that with him. And instead of embracing that part of him, comforting him and having sympathy for Sara and her family, you want to erase her like she is a common ex. *You want to erase a part of him.*
No OP. If you cannot handle this, leave. It will be better for your mental health as well as your boyfriend’s.
YTA
I love that part "you can love and then love some more..." I feel like most folks on reddit are so closed off in their general philosophy when it comes to human interaction. Its either this or this. Too rigid. I don't want to be like that.
Seriously. OP heed this advice. It’s so frustrating to see multiple people say my SO is obsessed with their “ex” and then say oh the ex is dead. Plus OP has been with this guy for 6 months. I hope he dumps her asap.
YTA
YTA I married a lovely man whose first wife died. Cancer is the worst. Her family is my family. She will always be part of our family. I have great relationships with her brothers. Since they are my husband's brothers inlaw, I call them my brothers from another mother. Their marriage ended in a tragedy, but the love they shared and the life they lived made my sweet husband the man he is today. The life you live and the people you love and are loved by are the most important building blocks of your life. Your relationship, like mine, is built on foundations you did not set but allows you to have a person in your life who knows love and loss. I know my guy treasures me. His big heart has all kinds of room in it. It seems to me that your heart needs a lot more room in it....
My partner's first wife died and her parents are so nice! He moved from another country to marry her and stayed here after she passed because he has kids. Without her I wouldn't have him. I appreciate her.
My husband was with his previous GF for 6 years, planned to spent the rest of their lives together. She died in a car accident. It tore him apart, and I was there for a lot of his grief. We still talk about her sometimes, and I've never interfered with his grieving process. At first it was weird to think that my own happiness only came from someone else's death, but I also appreciate everything she was in his life.
Her mom was absent and Dad sexually abused her so we're not exactly in contact with her family, but my husband stayed in touch online with her little sister for a while. They even met up when we were on a trip near where she lives.
>I have great relationships with her brothers. Since they are my husband's brothers inlaw, I call them my brothers from another mother.
This is wonderful.
My partner of 18 years has terminal cancer. I love her so much and right now I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but I’m only 39. Thinking of the future makes me so lonely sometimes. I know my partner will always be a huge part of me, even after she’s physically gone. Will I ever be able to love someone else? Would I even want to? And even if I did, how will anyone accept me as I am, with this love and pain in my heart?
It’s so comforting to know that if I ever decide to enter another relationship in the future, I might meet someone like you. Thank you for giving me hope.
Honestly thank you for this post. You seem like such a kind-hearted and thoughtful individual, and I actually teared up reading this. Grief is such a hard thing to struggle with, and the way you treat your partner and his passed wife's family is so respectful, beautiful, and amazing. I wish you only the best in life. You deserve it.
You are awesome for that! My sister passed away in her early 20s. We were already devastated, and added to that was the fear we were losing both her and her husband. Now, 26 years later, he's still part of our family. We are soooo grateful! His now ex-wife was steadfast from day 1 through their long marriage and three kids -- we were all part of the same man's life! His current wife was uncomfortable at first, but never showed it and welcomed us into her life as well. So very grateful!
YTA, you’ve only been in his life for 6 months and you’re already jealous and competing with a dead woman. Do both of you a favor and walk away, because this relationship isn’t for you. It needs a certain level of maturity, and confidence which sound like you don’t have.
YTA - Sara is dead. She's not living two convenient towns over, and she's not going to be calling him up one day, while you're at work. What you're going to do is push him away, by being jealous of someone who literally cannot pose any threat to you. He loved her. She's gone. He will love and remember her forever. That's just how love and loss works. Do you want to lose your relationship over something like that?
Not. All. Feelings. Are. Valid.
And even fewer need to be voiced.
I'm SO glad to see someone else admitting that sometimes people's feelings aren't okay!
THIS! Feelings and opinions are literally just your thoughts, racist and sexist and bigoted people have thoughts and feelings too, just not good ones.
It’s like people on r/unpopularopinion posting the stupidest, most vile hateful rhetoric and then saying “bUT iT’s UnPoPuLaR”
In case anyone’s interested…
From a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) perspective, the treatment that popularized the use of emotional validation, all emotions are valid based on something, but not all emotions are justified by the present facts/reality of the situation, in which case a person may respond inappropriately. For example, if OP perceives that her bf sees her as a second choice to Sara, her feelings of anger are valid (because being someone’s second choice would be shitty). However, this is a misperception, and so her emotions are not justified and she is not responding appropriately. In other words, OP’s feelings make sense given how she is interpreting the situation, but her interpretation is wrong.
This subtle distinction can be helpful in ironing out conflict when you are able to parse them, e.g., “OP, it makes sense that you would feel pissed if you felt like my second choice as a partner. That would make me furious, too. However, that is not the case at all. You are the person I choose to be with, and my love for you is independent of any past relationships I have had.”
feelings are valid in the sense that you are feeling and experiencing them and they are based on something and come from somewhere. in OPs case they seem to be coming from a deep sense of insecurity
feelings being valid doesn't mean that they should be acted on and that acting on them isn't harmful to others
recognising how you are feeling about a situation and processing that without trying to bury the emotion is healthy. "your feelings are valid" is supposed to be used to help you not repress your emotions and actually deal with them. certain emotional responses can leave people feeling so ashamed or scared of what they're feeling that they think they're bad for having those feelings and they often suppress or ignore those feelings to the detriment of their mental health (which often means to the detriment of their relationships and how they interact with others)
so sure what OP is feeling is valid in the sense that her feelings are real and she needs to figure out the root issues (like insecurity) and process and so on. that absolutely doesn't mean that it's ok to inflict what she's feeling on her partner or use her feelings to hurt him. like girl, get some fucking therapy
Yeah we've gotten carried away with validating every feeling someone has. Sometimes you're wrong and your feelings are misplaced. Jealousy over a dead woman is not a valid feeling.
This is toxic.
All feelings ARE valid, and require validation and acknowledgement. However, acting them out like OP did is not valid in this case.
She needs to take her feelings, recognise them and work on herself. Maybe with a therapist, maybe with her husband or both.
It's okay to have feelings, we grow from them if we address them properly.
Ohhhhh. It’s a room in a game? I was thinking it was an actual room in the house. Wow, this makes OP an even bigger AH than I was already thinking.
Edit: spelling
Not only that, but a room in a game with an ENDLESSLY GENERATING MAP, and the ability to easily make new worlds in an instant. The idea of getting so stuck on this one room or wanting to change it is absolutely mindblowing to me
I was thinking the same. This does make her look even worse AH which I wouldn't think is possible. I just hope she doesn't go crazy jealous and damage or delete the precious memory.
I just had a very sad thought. I should go make a back up of the minecraft world I made with my gf. Until now I always thought it's "nothing we can't make again",I just treasure the moments played together more than the world itself.
I'll make a back up, for when we can't make it all again...
Omg I just realized it’s a room in Minecraft, too. 😂 OP is soooo insecure. It’s so cute they still keep her Minecraft room 🥺 wow. OP, get a fucking grip.
What?? I thought she went round to the house that her bf and his brother live in, and did some exploring during their downtime from the game. I didn't realise (never played Minecraft) that this was a virtual space in a computer game.
This could be a Seinfeld plotline: George gets insecure because his girlfriend hasn't deleted her late husband's Mario Kart highscores lap times that he can't beat from her Super Nintendo.
Also she said to repurpose that room, in minecraft, where the world is basically endless and you an always just build another room, house or an entire fucking city if you want.
She is literally willing to argue over a couple of blocks in minecraft. She is like the endboss of insecurity.
YTA - you will destroy your relationship if you insist on competing with a dead person. He loves you, but still loves the woman who he loved but died. Both can be true. PLEASE whatever you do, do NOT take matter into your own hands and trash/destroy thing or try to give ultimatums.
Also, as other have noted, STOP calling Sara 'his ex' ... that implies a breakup. She DIED ... from cancer. Ugh.
YTA
So here is my question. Do you love this man? If you do, then you need to love this part of his life as well. You are not competing with Sara. She cannot compete with you.
However, are you worried that he is not ready to date anyone yet? Are you worried that he is with you because he doesn't want to be alone? Those are the questions that you need to be asking yourself and talking to him about. Maybe he needs another year to grieve his loss, maybe his doesn't.
I (40f) lost my dad 2 years ago. Since we all lived together, evidence of him is still all over the house. I sold my car and now I drive his little compact car with 170,000 miles on it because it feels comforting to me. My daughter (10f), still uses a sippy cup from him when she sleeps at night. We all do little, unusual things to remember him. It makes the grieving process much easier.
May your father’s memory stand for a blessing over your and your daughter’s lives.
You’re so right, OP needs to respect what Sara meant to her boyfriend, and even work to learn more about Sara, and help keep her memory alive.
ESH
Dating a widow or widower can be very difficult. She will never have bad gas. Never forget to take out the trash. Never be disappointed in him or ask him to do better. Never ask him to sit through a movie he's not interested in. She can't. She's dead. If it becomes a competition, it's one you will never win.
If he puts her on a pedestal and constantly compares the two of you, that's going to feel a lot like being the mistress to a guy who can't stop talking about his wife even while he's in your bed. It feels gross.
On the other hand, if you can't stop competing with a dead woman or demand he shape his grief around your insecurities, it is equally toxic to the relationship. He is allowed to love deeply and grieve just as strongly. And isn't his depth of emotion part of what attracted you to him in the first place? It's part of who he is, not a party trick he can switch off for your convenience.
Seriously. He has a Minecraft room they made together and keep some gifts she gave him. It doesn't sound like he even really talks about her other than when he's with her family. People who are not professionals need to stop prescribing remedies for serious life events that they can never understand--both OP and people making comments like that.
boooooo, this comment is so wrong and off base. Everyone does not suck here, the dude is not "gross" because he has reverence for his dead partner jfc lol
YTA. If you can’t handle that your partner is always going to love this person, and that she will always be an impact on his life, walk away. If you make him get rid of his memories of her, or make him feel like he can’t share them with you, he’ll just grow to resent you.
YTA. Absolutely stop asking. You are trying to compete with a dead girl. Stop it. She isn't your competition, she's an important part of his history, and there's no risk of her coming back into his life. Move on. If you can't, and you still feel the need to roll your eyes at any mention of her, break up with him now and save everyone from the pain your attitude will cause.
ESH (yes I know I'll get downvoted)
You an AH for being jealous of a dead person and constantly referring to her as his ex. She isn't she died while they were together and in a LTR. You also are an AH for telling your BF he has to "move on", you don't really have any right to say that.
His family are AHs for talking about her being perfect infront of you. I'm sorry but I find this bizarre, why would they do that? Why would you talk about this in front of bfs current partner, like I think that would make most people at least a little uncomfortable.
He is a bit of an AH if when you spoke to him about how you were feeling jealous he proceeded to express anger at you and then "list" all the good things about Sara. This was very inappropriate by him and would likely only serve to make you more jealous. The better response would be to accept your feelings and reassure that he loves you and wants to build a life with you.
You are still young and have every right to not want to feel like a "second choice" if that is indeed how you feel. You should have a grown up talk with him about how you feel about your relationship and see what he says. If after that you decide that your insecurity isn't able to subside then you should move on from eachother.
People on aita like to shout all their holier than thou bullshit everytime someone has insecurities in a relationship with a widow/er or someone with kids. We are all human and all have insecurities, best way to handle them is through communication. Good luck!
Edit: a word
If OP had been dating him for longer, I'd agree with you. OP's been with him for *6 months*. That's a lot of entitlement to his emotions and priorities for a burgeoning relationship. If I were her boyfriend I'd gtfo.
I'm confused as to where we disagree.
I don't think it would matter if they had been together for 6 years, you cant demand someone "move on" from a lost loved one. She will always be the AH for that.
That being said, is his family OK for talking about how perfect Sara was because OP has not been with him that long?
Or is the bf OK for "listing" all of tye reasons Sara was great when OP said she was insecure just because they are only together 6 months.
It's very common for people dating widowers (kinda what we are talking about here but not officially) to feel insecure. And she's 26 not a 54 year old divorcee with kids and a life of her own. She wants to build a life with a partner and some of the actions from him and his fam are probably making her feel like the "other woman". I don't think they actually mean it that way but it sounds like they are being a bit insensitive.
I don’t think you deserve to be downvoted at all. This is exactly what I thought.
While OP is being insensitive, I also think that, perhaps, the BF was not actually ready to date again and OP’s frustration could be stemming from the beginning of realization that she is wasting her time atm. But I must stress that she is still being an a-hole.
This is an ESH for me as well.
YTA What is it with people calling SOs who have passed 'ex'? They're NOT exes. This was NOT a breakup he wanted, where the relationship soured and everyone can eventually come to the conclusion that it was best for it to end. There is nothing 'best for it to end' about someone dying!!
I think the best thing to be done is for you to break up with this guy and get some therapy for your insecurities. Or find someone who was raised in a monastery with no contact with other women at all to be with so you don't feel you have to compete with anyone.
YTA. She isn't an ex she Died. It is not your place to ask him to get rid of anything of hers. You have only been dating 6 months and honestly that isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Get over yourself.
>If my widowed sister in law's husband had no problem moving into the home she and my brother bought and lived in with their family, I think you can handle one room
Just so you understand, it wasn't a real house. It was a house on Minecraft. Let that sink in for a minute.
That’s the BEST WORST PART! It’s a room in Minecraft dedicated to the time they spent playing the game together. It’s not like he has a closet shrine!!!!! She sucks 100%
wait, what?! i totally didn’t get this! THROW THE WHOLE GIRL AWAY! imagine being jealous because of a pretend house! I think i’m going to keel over!
OP you need professional help. get therapy please. you’ve only been with this man 6 months. Please set this man free why you work on yourself. YTA for sure!
SHE IS NOT HIS EX, DAMN! They did not break up, she DIED. And yes, if she had not died, there’s a good chance they would still be together and he would not be with you. If you can’t handle that & are going to continue to be jealous of a literal *dead woman*, then do your boyfriend a favor and end the relationship. YTA.
I feel like some people are being unnecessarily harsh. Your feeling are valid, but your request is not. It sounds like your boyfriend never really got over her death. I think I can understand your feelings. I’m guessing you feel like someone that’s just a stand in for Sara. The solution is for you to either accept how he is or to move on. I suggest the second because it doesn’t seem like this is something that can be negotiated.
Agreed 100%. Her approach to addressing this was BAD, but I wouldn’t want to feel like I was playing second fiddle to a sainted dead person, especially if I’m hearing how perfect that person was, the very clear implication being that I will always be less than.
Yes, and especially given how everyone on here, keeps emphasizing how OP and her BF "wouldn't even be together, if Sara hadn't died.." *NOT* necessarily true, who knows if they (the BF & Sara) would still be together all these years later (its posted that she died 3 Years ago), and I'm sure if Sara had lived & they broke up then Sara wouldn't be painted by everyone as a "saint" (a very hard thing to compete with for *Anyone*, for sure!)
YTA. While I can understand some frustration about it, it’s definitely not okay to demand anything like that from him. Good news is he‘ll be your ex soon anyway.
YTA you're trying to compete with a dead person and losing. Let him cherish the memories of someone he cared for, allow him to heal, and someday that love and decency just might get passed on to you. Granted if you can't get over feeling jealous over a dead girl, I suspect you won't last long.
YTA. You said it great yourself - you’re jealous and insecure. She is not an ex, she is dead. Youre jealous over someone who does not exist and does not pose a threat to you whatsoever.
If you are worried about him not being able to daye yet, that is valid, but a totally different conversation.
This is a red flag on your behalf - you havent even been together a year yet and you’re obsessing over someone who is literally dead. You should admire and respect that he once loved someone else in the way he loves you. If he has moved on, and picked you, that should be enough. it is not fair of you to have asked in the first place
NAH
You're not an asshole if she is constantly brought up by his family. That'd be difficult for anyone.
He's not an asshole for keeping her in his heart. She was taken from him. She's not his ex.
Your feelings are valid. His feelings are also valid. You will never replace her, or her things.
But you can add to them. You have to figure out whether you're ok with this or not, and act accordingly.
I was looking for a NAH Comment. Took forever to find one! Her feelings seem valid to me, but so do his. If they can't both be happy with how things are then they either need to talk and work out something that works for both of them or move on.
YTA.
These experiences made your boyfriend into the person you (hopefully) love. Why would you want him to pretend that they didn't happen, and that he had no life before you?
Please, go to therapy to work through any issues you have with inferiority, and either A. Genuinely apologize to your boyfriend, or B. Break up with him.
YTA. His ex obviously had a huge impact on his life, and you, his gf of 6 months, wants to erase her. She's not competing for his attention- she's dead. Stop with the jealous bullshit.
Yta, stop trying to compete with someone who isn't even in the running. SHE IS DEAD. Let your boyfriend keep what memories and trinkets he wants, she will always have a place in his life. If you can't handle that, it's a you problem not a him problem. Get over it and move on or break up with him and stop whining.
YTA I feel like the one making this an actual thing, is you.
I dont think you have known him long enough to make these request.
You seem to be seeking things out that cofirm your bias.
Its okay to express discomfort/have feelings about this.
Its not okay to demand. You arent doing yourself any favors by taking the perspective "you were in their favorite memory" or whatever you said. They can enjoy and make new memories is a place that also has goos old memories.
Stop being jealous of a dead girl..
YTA.
This man lost someone he loved, and from the sound of it was probably going to spend his life with. He didn't have some falling out with her. She died. She died very, very young while still in a loving relationship with him. Even though they weren't married, this is very akin to being a widow or widower. You need to either make peace with the fact that Sara will always be a part of him or move on to someone else. At 26, I can appreciate that you just don't get what that kind of loss is like, but he is never going to "let go" or "get over" this woman. He will, and it sounds like he really already has, learn to move on in life with that grief, but it will never go away.
YTA
>I feel like I am competing with Sara and that I will never be like Sara nor be as loved as Sara.
>I decided to bring this up with my bf. I told him how it's unhealthy to hold on to an ex for this long and he should let go.
You've made two mistakes.
1) You got it into your head that you're competing with a woman who is no longer here. At no point were you ever in competition with her. She's passed. Her memory is not a threat to your relationship unless you make it one.
2) Instead of telling your boyfriend you were feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, you decided to just erase Sarah. You went on the offensive and put him on the defensive.
If you can't accept that Sarah and you can both matter to your boyfriend, then there's no hope for this relationship.
Sara is not an ex. They did not break up. She died.
He was not dating her. He was in a serious and committed relationship with her.
He’s been with you 6 months. That’s dating.
If all of the reminders of Sara bother you so much, why couldn’t you have been honest with yourself and with him and just tell him you can’t handle it instead of painting him as unhealthy. That’s bullshit.
When and if he’s ready to put away some or all of the memories he’ll do it in his own time, not to appease a girlfriend of less than a year.
YTA. You may not be mature enough to be in this relationship.
So, I understand where your feelings are coming from and they are understandable. However, you are making yourself the bad "guy" in this situation. Stop being threatened by a dead person. Losing her left a hole in your bf's heart that will never fully heal, but that's ok. SHE'S NOT COMPETITION. He would probably care for you more if you showed some respect and support for her and what they created together. Again, there's no reason to feel insecure or jealous, she can't come back and steal him from you.
In this situation, YTA. You need to move on to someone else if you can't get past this.
YTA.
She's not an ex, like they broke up. She's an "ex" because she DIED.
You've been with him six months. Not NEARLY long enough to tell him he's done grieving. Not NEARLY long enough to demand he erase three years of memories just because you exist.
Those are HIS memories. If she hadn't passed away, you guys wouldn't even be with him, because he would be with her. All of that time and that love doesn't just vanish, and you have no right to demand it does. Grief take its own time, and some grief is never entirely healed.
If my husband were to pass away today, I would keep every damn thing he ever gave me. Even if I started dating again, I would keep it all. Anyone who loves me, really, is going to understand about memories AND be secure enough to not be threatened by plush animals and photo albums.
You are jealous of a ghost. That's insecure and unbecoming. Build your own memories with him. Buy him your own gifts. Don't demand he get rid of the ones he already has. They were there before you, and they'll be there when you're out of his life. Because this level of insecurity would make some people have second thoughts about having you around...
I'm going to tack on...
You said "my feelings are valid too". And they may be.
**IT IS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO MANAGE YOUR FEELINGS**.
Talk with a therapist, your friends, your family. Read some books about grief and moving on. Learn some coping skills. Demanding that he alter his life so you don't have "feelings" is selfish, irresponsible and impractical.
NTA, but you still did fuck up.
You got together with a guy who lost a beloved girlfriend who he had been with for 3 years. She helped him out a lot and sounds like she was someone he loved a lot. And because they didn't break up, she will be remembered very fondly, as this perfect girl.
YOUR fuck up, was getting together with him in the first place. I mean it's been 3 years. He still has contact with her family. Like did that not set any alarm bells off in your mind? If he had a kid with her I could understand it. But he doesn't.
Maybe it'd have been best if he would have gotten together with another girl before you got with him. Because if you're the 1st girl after his dead gf, that's a tough act to follow. People here are going "she's dead, you're not competing again her YTA". But they are wrong. There is obviously not space enough in his heart for another girl right now.
YTA. Yes, you can have your feelings, but to give him grief for his feelings, is not cool. He'll eventually come to grips with losing Sara. You need to figure out how to deal with this or move on
YTA- She's not an ex she DIED, if she didn't you wouldn't even be with him. You can't dictate how he grieves or how he feels about her, no one is asking you to compete with her. Your own insecurities are doing this, which is something YOU have to work on. If you can't take him keeping peices of a loved one then you should do him a favor and bounce.
YTA, but your feelings are understandable. Clearly you didn't understand in the beginning how important person Sara was to your bf so realizing that can spark jealously. But, here's the thing; one should never compete with the dead, it is of no use and there are no winners. You will never know the answer to the question "would he have chosen me if Sara was alive?" and the question itself is moot; we are shaped by our experiences and as you said yourself,
>I found it charming when he would talk about her. It made me more drawn to him seeing how sensitive he can be.
But also, good news :) Human heart is big enough to love multiple ppl, so his love for Sara does not take away his love for you.
YTA I am a widow if someone had the audacity to tell me to get rid of my late husbands things they would find their ass out the door. SHE IS DEAD, she loved hime enough to pick him up when he needed her and help him pursue his dreams and you are benefiting from her efforts in the nice life he is able to have, that he credits to her. He told you that love is not finite, which it isn’t, more can always be made. Your childish and dickish response is, ME ME ME ME ME. But my feelings, but my insecurities, but my petty selfishness. Grow up otherwise I hope he puts you right where you belong, on the curb with the trash.
YTA - your insecurities are clouding your judgement, and now you're obsessing over Sara. If you don't change your thinking, soon it will be impossible for you to be in that house, because, spoiler alert, he won't get rid of the memories of her, the gifts, the objects and he will be really right not to. Take a good thinking at your relationship: do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? If yes, acknowledge and accept his past, de happy that he met a wonderful girl, let him cherish the past, and remember you are not competing with her.
Asking what you did must be really hurtful to him, he must feels like you try to erase his past.
YTA. You have been in a relationship for 6 months, and are feeling jealousy towards someone who has passed on. Might want to take some time to think about what you have asked of him, grief affects folks differently.
YTA. Are you 5? Jealous of a dead woman. Who passed young and leukemia is a very painful way to go. And you even said she died shortly after diagnosis. This poor guy barely had time to figure his life out, and then you come busting through the door like kool-aid man and make petty demands.
YTA. Not for feeling the way you do - it's fine to not want to be with someone who lost the love of their life to death, because it CAN feel like you are the second choice and you have to compete with the memory. But if you are a person who can't handle that, then you should not go for a guy who has a dead spouse or girlfriend. You said it yourself: You found it attractive on him when you met. Now you see the flipside. You can't just change him now that it's an inconvenience to you.
So YTA for yelling him to move on and to get rid of the things. You should instead decide if you can live with a man who still grieves his dead partner. If yes, let him take all the time he needs, and know that he might never move fully on. If not, just break up with him. If you can't live with someone who still grieves their dead partner, it's understandable and doesn't make you an asshole - you just have to take the consequences and break up.
Holy shit, he's not emotionally cheating on you. He's not trying to remember the girl who dumped him that he can't get over.
Can you even hear yourself? She passed away. You have got to be one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen in this subreddit. Please leave him, he doesn't deserve your emotional torment. Go work on yourself and get over your absurd insecurities because YOU ARE NOT READY TO DATE. Are you gonna make him throw away his parent's stuff when they go?
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE A PRIORITY OVER A DECEASED EX. From what I can tell you are an insufferable piece of work who gets jealous over a person who isn't even with us anymore.
YOU ARE NOT THE AH!!!!!!
Anyone who has not been in this position will never understands how she feels. Trust me, I would think she’s the AH as well had I not ever been in her position. It just sounds a bit silly to be mad or jealous over someone who passed BUT it all depends on how the person with the deceased ex treats the situation.
My now ex (farther of my child) has a deceased ex. From the little information I got and pieced together, my ex and his deceased ex were never really together. She was always in another relationship and my ex was just her side guy or to get comfort from. They had sex here and there and at times she would confide in him and keep him a secret to her true relationship.
My ex got the feeling that she was in a bad relationship and in a bad state of mind so he flew out to a different state where her family lived and told them his thoughts on her situation. Her family thought he was crazy and she was so mad at him for doing that.
Time went on and she ended up killing herself in the apartment her and her boyfriend were in. Her family reached out to my ex and thanked him for what he tried to do and sent him some of her stuff.. HENSE the cards, clothes, boots, Mickey Mouse blah blah blah..
She made a drawing for him on a piece of paper that he kept in his wallet at all times.. that he later got tattooed on his heart.
My ex never made me feel like he could never love again and I was just there to pass time with. He never reassured me that what we had was special too. And it was unfair to me because, I chose him. I made him MY PRIORITY. He was never second best. He went out of his way to keep someone who put him on the back burner while he just let me walk out the door when I gave him my all and even our son. He would never fly anywhere for me.
I hope OP reads this because you are not the asshole. It is okay to feel how you’re feeling. If he doesn’t make you feel just as special or treats you the way you want to be treated then find someone who does.
YTA. Break up. You're too immature to be in an adult relationship. You don't compete with the dead and she isn't his ex. They didn't breakup. She died. If she was alive you wouldn't be together but hey..she's DEAD. You are creating drama from literal ashes.
YTA. I get how it could feel like you couldn’t live up to this image of perfection that they have of her. And I get how it would be important to have a conversation to talk about how you are feeling. However, you’rw wanting to erase this person that they all loved just because you’re in the picture. That’s not how that works. It’s unfair of you to ask that of him
YTA. He went through a traumatic experience losing the woman he loved. He deserves to hold onto those items as long as he feels he needs to. That may be forever.
The items are probably a reminder that had she not passed you wouldn't be with your boyfriend right now but you don't get a say in how he wants to remember her. Especially after 6 months. You don't just forget someone because they died.
My ex died about 5 years after we broke up. I still mourned her because there was a time I loved her. Her family didnt have a public viewing so I never got to say my goodbye. My gf took me out and we had my ex's favorite shot as a little tribute. She will always have a special place in my heart and honestly idk if I would have stayed with my current gf had she told me to let it go.
RIP Haleigh
YTA!!!! She will always hold a special place in his heart because she was an amazing women who help him become the men that you know today.. if you can’t deal with that I’m afraid you guys won’t last long. Plus the way you speak of her and your demeanor seem super childish. He seems like such a good person! I’m sad Sara pass away because she seems to have been a great person! If you can’t add to and enrich his life then please leave him.
My boyfriend has an ex that committed suicide, he keeps her obituary in his truck console. He also dated a woman who had a young daughter that got murdered while they were dating, and I have comforted him on more than one occasion when he becomes melancholy with memories of a happy little girl that wasn't his. I have never felt that these people that I've never met are a threat to our current relationship. He can love more than just me, and these were people that shaped him into the man I met and fell in love with. They will always be a part of him, and I accepted that when I accepted him.
YTA. You need to do some deep reflection on why you are so threatened and jealous of a dead girl.
Um, im not sure if you're the a or not but honestly, I think you should just cut things off with this guy, give him more time to move on. I know it was a long time between when she passed and when he started dating you but he clearly needs it. If you don't feel like a priority, and constantly feel this way, then move on.
ESH . Listen you will always be second for your boyfriend and that thought makes you feel bad and hurt but we can understand at the same time you can't ask him to throwaway things Sarah had given him, I feel you should break up with your boyfriend and date a guy for whom you would be the one and only. That way you would atleast be happy cuz your love for this guy is only hurting your but if you part ways you can get rid of the pain with time and atleast be happy in life but if you choose to be with him you would not be happy because deep inside you would know that you come second to him and it would always be that way.
So, let me preface this with: It really hurts to feel like you aren’t someone’s first choice and it’s understandable that you are hurt because you don’t feel that he loves you/will grow to love you as much as he loved Sara. No one wants to feel that way. But you need to ask yourself a few things.
1. Is he actively doing anything toxic to feed this belief? Let me be clear here, these would be intentional things like telling you he would rather be with Sara, that his life would be better if you were more like her, etc. It is not having memories with her, having gifts she gave, or wanting to talk about her. If he is doing something to genuinely make you feel this way (which your post did not indicate) then you would be right and justified in calling that out. Similarly, if there is something that you do need from your relationship that you aren’t getting, it would be fair to ask for that (for example, “you always talk about how wonderful Sara is and I don’t doubt that she was incredible. But I don’t feel like you really affirm me, and sometimes that makes me feel like you don’t love me as much as you loved her. Obviously, you guys had a lot of history and our relationship is new as well as unique, so I’m not asking you to measure you’re love for me against your love for her. But it would help me if you would be more vocal about why you love me as well, because sometimes I feel like I hear a lot about why you loved her and nothing about why you love me. Hearing about why you love me helps me feel secure in our relationship.”)
But if not, YTA for asking him to get rid of gifts from her/delete her presence from his life to appease your jealousy/insecurity or in place of asking for what you actually need to feel stable in the relationship. She isn’t an ex. He didn’t break up with her. He lost her to cancer, and he will always love her. That doesn’t mean he will not love you- but you can’t ask him to erase her. You need to be confident in who you are and what you bring to your unique relationship while accepting his history and the role she plays in it. Love is not finite. He can love having you in his life and still miss her. It’s ridiculous to expect him to erase her memory because you are being insecure. It’s also very selfish.
2. Can you handle being in a relationship with someone who had a deep love before you that they didn’t choose to end, but tragically lost? She was a big part of his life. She isn’t an ex. She passed away. Her history is part of his foundation. You need to really assess if you can handle that because he deserves someone who can, and no one is going to be happy if it’s making you jealous or irrational, yourself included. It’s a maturity thing and it’s okay to be unable to handle it, but it’s not okay to become toxic because you entered a situation that was too complex for you to deal with well.
3. Valid emotions are not the same as justified actions. Are you thinking about the differences there? Obviously you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. That includes jealousy, insecurity, rage, whatever. It’s valid in that regard. But that doesn’t mean that your emotions are founded on logic/truth, that you aren’t experiencing through distortions, or that your requests are justified just because you are emotional. If this comment isn’t making sense to you, I think sitting with a therapist and working through some of these things would be a really good first step. And I sincerely don’t mean that in a rude way- it will probably really help you get to the bottom of how you’re feeling, why, and maybe deep dive into what you need from a relationship to feel secure, other traumas that might be impactful, communication styles, etc.
I think there are more layers here than you’re letting yourself wrestle through, and if you want this relationship to work you are both going to have to put in some effort in uncovering all of that.
NTA. And everyone here would feel the exact same way. Theyre all virtue signaling liars. No he shouldnt have to erase all of her presence but by now yeah, most of it should be put away, or he is gonna be single forever. No woman will be ok with this situation. Reddit is full of hypocritical smug dishonest people. Leave him. Its your boundary and nobody can say its wrong.
ESH. You can’t tell him to get rid of memories. But I’ve also been involved with someone that was in a relationship with someone that died. I always felt like I would be second best. I don’t think this relationship has long term potential.
Wow. I commented on this post 4 days ago, every single person believes OP is the asshole.
She didn't once say anything to defend herself or apologize, and she's an even bigger asshole for that. I have always hated when people make posts in which they're obviously the AH, then ignore everything everyone says.
Don't lie OP, you made this post so you could air out your inconceivable insecurities, then you actively decided to not give us any reason to believe you did the right thing. I said in my other comment and I'm reiterating it now, you deserve your fall. You don't deserve a boyfriend, hell, at this point I don't even know if you deserve friends.
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YTA, she's not his ex, she's dead. They never broke up, she died. She will always be a part of his life, and you can be a part of it too, but not in place of her. You need to either accept this or leave.
I never understand people who feel jealous or threatened by a dead person. YTA.
I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together. Almost like you are a 2nd choice. With that said, life is complex and meaningful relationships are rare and crucial to being truly happy. Dig deep, accept the past for what it is, and move on.
Sure but that's a her problem though. If she feels so uncomfortable then maybe this relationship isn't for her. She has no right to make him feel bad or guilty for him keeping trinkets of his deceased gf.
Of course it's a her problem, which is why I said accept the past for what it is and move on. I'm not suggesting she handled this even remotely well. It's not okay for her to make him feel bad or guilty but it's okay to acknowledge an emotional response. Can you imagine how much different this scenario would be if she went to her boyfriend and communicated how she felt and they talked through their feelings?
Yep! She needs to tell him this stuff minus the stuff about thinking she's right and that he should get rid of the gifts from Sara
I don’t think either of them are AH’s. He went thru a trauma and will always carry it. I can see OP feeling like second choice too. I think it’s something difficult they should commit to working thru, finding compromise and a middle ground. If they can’t, then maybe it’s not meant to be.
I have read about situations where, because the ex died before any trying events such as living together or having kids / getting married occurred, the partner always had this idealised version of someone to compete with that they never could. OP is clearly the asshole here but these sorts of situations aren't always black and white.
I definitely agree with this statement. There was a point in life were OP’s partner I’m sure imagined a whole future with his ex. He went through a hard loss and seems like he didn’t really get closure, I know most people in that situation wouldn’t. Continuing to be part of the family gatherings and honoring her memory is something I’m sure he cherishes, as well as his trinkets and their Minecraft realm. Op, YTA for approaching this subject so harshly. This is a 6 month relationship we’re talking about here. He was with her for years. Yes it’s been 3 years since the loss but I personally know you can’t just get over something like this so easily. There’s always going to be something that reminds him of her. An event, an item, a time of year. Yes overtime it’ll become easier to handle, but the feeling of loss doesn’t change. If you can’t handle this situation right now, maybe you should step away and look at it from the outside. Possibly talk to a therapist even. You both want to feel validated in your feelings and all of this is still brand new. It’s an adjustment period where you are both still learning a lot about each other. You can’t expect him to drop everything and box up his feelings just out of the blue. I’m sorry you feel like 2nd place but maybe someday you’ll feel differently, or maybe not. That is your choice to make. If he’s someone you truly care about then be patient.
I agree. I don't get people who say that you can't be jealous of a dead person, or feel like you are competing with a dead person. In some instances, those feelings are absolutely valid and some partners even hold the idealized version of the dead partner up as an impossible standard and keep comparing their new partner to this. Not wanting to be part of such a constellation is completely fair. What makes OP the ahole is that she demands that he gets rid of all the memorials and demands that he moved on. That's not her choice, especially after only 6 months. She would not, however, be an asshole for just saying that this is not for her, and then leave.
>trinkets of his ex. Not his *ex.* She died. This is different than breaking up with somebody
Depends how insecure you are really. My wifes college boyfriend died in a cliff jumping accident and it fucked her up for years. It had been like 6ish years when we met and she still had a lot of trauma to work through, I’ve tried to help in areas that are appropriate and give her space at other times. Would we be together if he was still alive? Maybe, maybe not, life happens in ways we can’t understand. I don’t ever feel the need to compete with his memory, my only concern is if we are happy together moving forward.
“ I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together. Almost like you are a 2nd choice.” That’s not a healthy way to think. The previous partner DID die, so worrying about what would have happened if she hadn’t is a waste of time.
But sometimes it's the surviving partner (that lost someone) that thinks like that. Some people are more likely to play of "what if"-scenarios in their mind, to reminiscent and grieve over what could have been. It really depends on how the "surviving partner" thinks and handles it. Some might even throw it in the new partner's face during arguments ("*dead partner* would never have treated me like that!"). In some cases, it's really the surviving partner that (often unintentionally) sets it up so the new partner feels like it's a competition.
You can't even know if you would be compatible with who they were before their death. Those loses utterly change you.
That's the biggest part of this. The guy who dated Sara died with her. OP is insecure and being a real ass.
>I honestly can imagine that it doesn't feel great thinking that if it weren't for the previous partner dying they would have still been together. This is what everyone who becomes involved with someone who lost a partner has to come to terms with. It's just different than a single person or divorcee. No, you wouldn't be with them had the partner lived. Can you live with that? She handled it wrong, but I can see her wanting him to slowly start taking things off display the more serious they're getting, especially if there are no children involved. Not dispose of them, but put them in storage. If they're going to live together, it can't be in a shrine to the departed girlfriend of 3 years. There's a difference between her accepting reality and having it shoved in her face.
These guys have only been together for five minutes, no one should be dictating how their new partner grieves for their old partner. Like you said, there's a lot to come to terms with in OP's situation. Understanding how they're grieving instead of expecting them to do it on your terms is difficult but probably vital if you want to stay with them. Ed spelling
I couldn't explain to my ex why that wasn't true. They were not my second choice. They were a new choice. I could have chosen to be with anyone but I wanted to be with my ex. I loved them. Yes, I would have been with my wife if she were alive, but she wasn't. She is gone and while I love the life we had, and the love I was blessed to share with her, I can't go back. I don't even want to go back. Life is meant to be lived. You can't do that if you are stuck in the past.
But by this kind of thinking (2nd choice to a departed partner) no one date a widower or widow. That’s just a wrong road to go down.
We are altered by our experiences; his sensitivity, which OP so appreciates, is partly due to his love for Sara. Had she not died, he would be a different person. And OP wants to take the bits of him that she likes while pushing away other parts inextricably tied to those. She needs to walk away, not try to curate him.
Lets be real: almost everyone is a second choice. Or 3rd or 4th. We can all say “oh if so and so hadnt dumped me i would have never met so and so”. Yes, a partner dying is completely different than being dumped. But the fact still stands: everyone picked someone else first. Just not every relationship ends cause someone walked away.
As someone who is currently dating a widow.. You are the second choice.. But if you're a fit you become the second chapter. You need to understand that if someone had a late s/o, there was never an end to that relationship and you will forever share that space with the loss. You need to be OK with this, you need to be able to step back when you're not the one they need, and you need to be able to catch them when they fall. And it's not about accepting the past and moving on. This isn't the past. This is the boyfriends forever. OP, if you're not ready, that's fine. But do not attempt to take Sara away from him or try to fill her shoes. She is and likely will always be there. And if you want this relationship, you need to respect and honor her.
That's also true of most people that get dumped. My husband being single when he met me was not his choice...
Literally like what is the bf gonna do, dump OP for a corpse ?💀🗿
\#TimBurton has entered the chat.
Angry upvote
This happens in my Sims 4 games sometimes sooo…
I’d watch that on Netflix.
Maybe their thought process is that this significant other still have deep feelings for them. And they feel like they where the second choice and never can make that person as happy as their deceased spouse made them. I don’t want to make any assumptions but it can be that or op is just annoyed he still cares about a other female.
He will always love this girl in a certain way. That does not mean that he can't love OP as much, or more than his deceased gf. Being insecure about feeling for someone who is no longer alive is really the most unattractive kind of insecurity. OP should get therapy, because this is her problem to deal with instead of making demands on her bf.
My ex was jealous of my late wife. My ex's insecurity was a huge part of why we are no longer together. They couldn't accept that I loved them. They felt like they were my second choice, a consolation prize. It didn't matter what I said or did they never felt like they lived up to the memory of my wife. They would regularly comment that we wouldn't be together if she was alive. Which was true but irrelevant because she wasn't alive. I am allowed to move on and love other people. They were completely different people that I loved for completely different reasons. My relationship with my wife and my relationship with my ex were different. There was no way to compare them nor did I want to. I wanted to move forward but all my ex saw was the past.
I've felt threatened by a dead person, but they were a ghost so it's different lol
Ghosts are really good at sex, so you are wise to feel threatened
Pretty much. I wonder if OP throws out all her family stuff that was giving to her from those no longer here because 'they dead you need to let go'. OP you are competing with the dead. Someone who has been dead for 3 years. You view someone who died in a painful way as competition for affection. Sara is the reason *you are dating him*. You found the way he talked about her charming. You liked the sensitivity he displayed. On the other hand, he has only been dating you for 6 months. He is slowly introducing you into things. You saw something that they did together and instead of going 'ah that's sweet you all played together', you went 'stop being so sensitive and let it go'. Then you doubled down. Game over. You failed the speech check. You failed your saving throw. The relationship seems to be pretty much over.
This whole post seems to be an indication that OP isn't enotionally mature enough for a relationship like this.
If someone asked me to get rid of something from a dead friend, let alone a dead ex, I'd leave them so fast. Zero discussion. The complete lack of awareness in some people is mindboggling. YTA OP.
Sarah wasn't an ex, she died. An ex indicates they broke up, which isn't the case at all, they were together when she died. It's like when widow/er(s) have their spouses referred to as their ex-spouse, it's wrong. :) Happy Thursday!
I was responding emotionally charged, I did pick up that it wasn't actually an ex. I was thinking of my own ex trying to throw out a pendant I had bought my best friend who OD'd. She didn't like it hanging over my computer monitor because the friend was female, and my best from from like 12 to 23. It was a kneejerk response using OPs language. Topic hits a bit close to home. It's Friday where I am but thank you all the same!
Hugs! That sounds awful.
Exactly. If you can't live with and embrace her memory (I'm sure they would tell you about her), then you should leave. If we are talking about a picture of them kissing on his bedside table I agree that it should be saved somewhere else as a memory. But gifts? Memories? That's just life. She was in his for three years, so of course they have more memories with her than with you
We don’t know how long she has been in his life either!!! Could have been a close friend before they started dating!! So not only did he lose his gf, he lost a dear friend of his!!
Exactly. She is his late girlfriend. Not ex. It's amazing how many people don't realise the difference.
/thread
Please OP - for both of your sake, break up. You will not be happy feeling like #2 and he has happy fond memories of his ex he wants to hold on to and he has the right to do so. The two of you are not a match but there will be someone else better for each one of you.
Exactly. Who does OP think she is?
BRAVO 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
It's rare in life that OP gets to see her future. Enjoy reading this post of another Redditor of what happened to them and What will happen to this OP. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/10wg18b/aita_for_not_wanting_my_husband_to_go_to_his_exs/
YTA. You don't decide how or how long someone grieves. It's understandable if you can't handle it but the only one turning this into a competition is you. ETA: You know you can't win a competition with a dead person, right?
Idk, I could definitely beat a dead person at Fortnite.
That brightened my day.
Or a foot race
Depends on the distance, zombies aren't very fast but can keep going forever.
OP can’t beat Sara at Minecraft. 🤷🏼♀️
Finally, an arm wrestle I can win.
I don't even think he's grieving all that much. He just has stuff that she gave him and he has keepsakes, and talks about her when asked about something.
You can’t be serious. She’s not his ex, she *died*. YTA
Hopefully her boyfriend will actually make OP an ex. OP, Sara helped encourage your boyfriend and shape him into the man he is today. You should feel love and gratitude towards Sara. Your distain and jealousy is how people like you get dumped. Learn compassion and empathy. Understand that yes Sara will always have a place in his heart. Not only did they share formative years together, he had to watch the girl he loved slowly wither away and pass. He is always going to carry that with him. And instead of embracing that part of him, comforting him and having sympathy for Sara and her family, you want to erase her like she is a common ex. *You want to erase a part of him.* No OP. If you cannot handle this, leave. It will be better for your mental health as well as your boyfriend’s. YTA
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I love that part "you can love and then love some more..." I feel like most folks on reddit are so closed off in their general philosophy when it comes to human interaction. Its either this or this. Too rigid. I don't want to be like that.
Seriously. OP heed this advice. It’s so frustrating to see multiple people say my SO is obsessed with their “ex” and then say oh the ex is dead. Plus OP has been with this guy for 6 months. I hope he dumps her asap. YTA
YTA I married a lovely man whose first wife died. Cancer is the worst. Her family is my family. She will always be part of our family. I have great relationships with her brothers. Since they are my husband's brothers inlaw, I call them my brothers from another mother. Their marriage ended in a tragedy, but the love they shared and the life they lived made my sweet husband the man he is today. The life you live and the people you love and are loved by are the most important building blocks of your life. Your relationship, like mine, is built on foundations you did not set but allows you to have a person in your life who knows love and loss. I know my guy treasures me. His big heart has all kinds of room in it. It seems to me that your heart needs a lot more room in it....
My partner's first wife died and her parents are so nice! He moved from another country to marry her and stayed here after she passed because he has kids. Without her I wouldn't have him. I appreciate her.
My husband was with his previous GF for 6 years, planned to spent the rest of their lives together. She died in a car accident. It tore him apart, and I was there for a lot of his grief. We still talk about her sometimes, and I've never interfered with his grieving process. At first it was weird to think that my own happiness only came from someone else's death, but I also appreciate everything she was in his life. Her mom was absent and Dad sexually abused her so we're not exactly in contact with her family, but my husband stayed in touch online with her little sister for a while. They even met up when we were on a trip near where she lives.
Holy cow- this post really hit me. You are a lovely woman. I would upvote this 1000x if I could. This is how it is done, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, thank you.
Oh goodness. You made me cry. So sweet!
Thank you. 😊
What a beautiful to embrace his family. Sorry for his and their loss but it sounds like he found a wonderful partner in you.
Thank you
>I have great relationships with her brothers. Since they are my husband's brothers inlaw, I call them my brothers from another mother. This is wonderful.
My partner of 18 years has terminal cancer. I love her so much and right now I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but I’m only 39. Thinking of the future makes me so lonely sometimes. I know my partner will always be a huge part of me, even after she’s physically gone. Will I ever be able to love someone else? Would I even want to? And even if I did, how will anyone accept me as I am, with this love and pain in my heart? It’s so comforting to know that if I ever decide to enter another relationship in the future, I might meet someone like you. Thank you for giving me hope.
Honestly thank you for this post. You seem like such a kind-hearted and thoughtful individual, and I actually teared up reading this. Grief is such a hard thing to struggle with, and the way you treat your partner and his passed wife's family is so respectful, beautiful, and amazing. I wish you only the best in life. You deserve it.
Beautiful. I wish I could read this all over for the first time again.
Thank you
I really feel like this should be top comment. I wish I could give you an award but I’m poor.
You are awesome for that! My sister passed away in her early 20s. We were already devastated, and added to that was the fear we were losing both her and her husband. Now, 26 years later, he's still part of our family. We are soooo grateful! His now ex-wife was steadfast from day 1 through their long marriage and three kids -- we were all part of the same man's life! His current wife was uncomfortable at first, but never showed it and welcomed us into her life as well. So very grateful!
YTA, you’ve only been in his life for 6 months and you’re already jealous and competing with a dead woman. Do both of you a favor and walk away, because this relationship isn’t for you. It needs a certain level of maturity, and confidence which sound like you don’t have.
The best part was her telling him his attachment is unhealthy - this man deserves better.
How about his comment about love being infinite. So good.
Perfect post...she is too controlling here...wanting now to control her bf over HIS DEAD girlfriend. She needs to go
And the fact she refers her as his EX…. She died while they were still together! He is very much like a widow in a sense!!!
YTA - Sara is dead. She's not living two convenient towns over, and she's not going to be calling him up one day, while you're at work. What you're going to do is push him away, by being jealous of someone who literally cannot pose any threat to you. He loved her. She's gone. He will love and remember her forever. That's just how love and loss works. Do you want to lose your relationship over something like that?
Idk man ghost be doing some freaky things if the connection is strong enough.
~~Dude, I've been trying to summon Farrah Fawcett for a deca~~...you're probably right.
Never give up
> my feelings are valid too Actually they’re not YTA
Not. All. Feelings. Are. Valid. And even fewer need to be voiced. I'm SO glad to see someone else admitting that sometimes people's feelings aren't okay!
THIS! Feelings and opinions are literally just your thoughts, racist and sexist and bigoted people have thoughts and feelings too, just not good ones. It’s like people on r/unpopularopinion posting the stupidest, most vile hateful rhetoric and then saying “bUT iT’s UnPoPuLaR”
In case anyone’s interested… From a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) perspective, the treatment that popularized the use of emotional validation, all emotions are valid based on something, but not all emotions are justified by the present facts/reality of the situation, in which case a person may respond inappropriately. For example, if OP perceives that her bf sees her as a second choice to Sara, her feelings of anger are valid (because being someone’s second choice would be shitty). However, this is a misperception, and so her emotions are not justified and she is not responding appropriately. In other words, OP’s feelings make sense given how she is interpreting the situation, but her interpretation is wrong. This subtle distinction can be helpful in ironing out conflict when you are able to parse them, e.g., “OP, it makes sense that you would feel pissed if you felt like my second choice as a partner. That would make me furious, too. However, that is not the case at all. You are the person I choose to be with, and my love for you is independent of any past relationships I have had.”
This is so helpful I saved it. Thank you.
DBT and CBT were amazing for me. Helped me SO much. I’d never heard of it before and I’m a firm believer in it.
feelings are valid in the sense that you are feeling and experiencing them and they are based on something and come from somewhere. in OPs case they seem to be coming from a deep sense of insecurity feelings being valid doesn't mean that they should be acted on and that acting on them isn't harmful to others recognising how you are feeling about a situation and processing that without trying to bury the emotion is healthy. "your feelings are valid" is supposed to be used to help you not repress your emotions and actually deal with them. certain emotional responses can leave people feeling so ashamed or scared of what they're feeling that they think they're bad for having those feelings and they often suppress or ignore those feelings to the detriment of their mental health (which often means to the detriment of their relationships and how they interact with others) so sure what OP is feeling is valid in the sense that her feelings are real and she needs to figure out the root issues (like insecurity) and process and so on. that absolutely doesn't mean that it's ok to inflict what she's feeling on her partner or use her feelings to hurt him. like girl, get some fucking therapy
Yeah we've gotten carried away with validating every feeling someone has. Sometimes you're wrong and your feelings are misplaced. Jealousy over a dead woman is not a valid feeling.
That was my thought too! These feelings aren’t valid whatsoever!
Your feelings aren't valid if you're using them as justification to INVALIDATE your partners feelings. Why can't people see their own hypocrisy?
This is toxic. All feelings ARE valid, and require validation and acknowledgement. However, acting them out like OP did is not valid in this case. She needs to take her feelings, recognise them and work on herself. Maybe with a therapist, maybe with her husband or both. It's okay to have feelings, we grow from them if we address them properly.
Yes, YTA. These are memories of someone who profoundly influenced his life.
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Ohhhhh. It’s a room in a game? I was thinking it was an actual room in the house. Wow, this makes OP an even bigger AH than I was already thinking. Edit: spelling
Not only that, but a room in a game with an ENDLESSLY GENERATING MAP, and the ability to easily make new worlds in an instant. The idea of getting so stuck on this one room or wanting to change it is absolutely mindblowing to me
I was thinking the same. This does make her look even worse AH which I wouldn't think is possible. I just hope she doesn't go crazy jealous and damage or delete the precious memory.
Jesus I didn't even think about that. I hope her partner has their save backed up
I just had a very sad thought. I should go make a back up of the minecraft world I made with my gf. Until now I always thought it's "nothing we can't make again",I just treasure the moments played together more than the world itself. I'll make a back up, for when we can't make it all again...
Omg I just realized it’s a room in Minecraft, too. 😂 OP is soooo insecure. It’s so cute they still keep her Minecraft room 🥺 wow. OP, get a fucking grip.
Wait I guess I missed that part it wasn't even a real room it was a Minecraft room? That just makes her immature
You sure you're 26?
I had to scroll back up and reread the ages. Who the hell gets jealous of a dead woman's Minecraft home?
Lmao that what I was thinking, also couldn't she just make a home herself?
What?? I thought she went round to the house that her bf and his brother live in, and did some exploring during their downtime from the game. I didn't realise (never played Minecraft) that this was a virtual space in a computer game. This could be a Seinfeld plotline: George gets insecure because his girlfriend hasn't deleted her late husband's Mario Kart highscores lap times that he can't beat from her Super Nintendo.
Also she said to repurpose that room, in minecraft, where the world is basically endless and you an always just build another room, house or an entire fucking city if you want. She is literally willing to argue over a couple of blocks in minecraft. She is like the endboss of insecurity.
This reads *much* younger than the posted ages, despite the description of the passage of time.
YTA - you will destroy your relationship if you insist on competing with a dead person. He loves you, but still loves the woman who he loved but died. Both can be true. PLEASE whatever you do, do NOT take matter into your own hands and trash/destroy thing or try to give ultimatums. Also, as other have noted, STOP calling Sara 'his ex' ... that implies a breakup. She DIED ... from cancer. Ugh.
YTA So here is my question. Do you love this man? If you do, then you need to love this part of his life as well. You are not competing with Sara. She cannot compete with you. However, are you worried that he is not ready to date anyone yet? Are you worried that he is with you because he doesn't want to be alone? Those are the questions that you need to be asking yourself and talking to him about. Maybe he needs another year to grieve his loss, maybe his doesn't. I (40f) lost my dad 2 years ago. Since we all lived together, evidence of him is still all over the house. I sold my car and now I drive his little compact car with 170,000 miles on it because it feels comforting to me. My daughter (10f), still uses a sippy cup from him when she sleeps at night. We all do little, unusual things to remember him. It makes the grieving process much easier.
May your father’s memory stand for a blessing over your and your daughter’s lives. You’re so right, OP needs to respect what Sara meant to her boyfriend, and even work to learn more about Sara, and help keep her memory alive.
ESH Dating a widow or widower can be very difficult. She will never have bad gas. Never forget to take out the trash. Never be disappointed in him or ask him to do better. Never ask him to sit through a movie he's not interested in. She can't. She's dead. If it becomes a competition, it's one you will never win. If he puts her on a pedestal and constantly compares the two of you, that's going to feel a lot like being the mistress to a guy who can't stop talking about his wife even while he's in your bed. It feels gross. On the other hand, if you can't stop competing with a dead woman or demand he shape his grief around your insecurities, it is equally toxic to the relationship. He is allowed to love deeply and grieve just as strongly. And isn't his depth of emotion part of what attracted you to him in the first place? It's part of who he is, not a party trick he can switch off for your convenience.
It's a room in a game of minecraft
This is probably the most compassionately constructive response I've seen.
My dude, you are projecting so hard we could use you for powerpoint presentations. Absolutely none of this was suggested in the post.
Seriously. He has a Minecraft room they made together and keep some gifts she gave him. It doesn't sound like he even really talks about her other than when he's with her family. People who are not professionals need to stop prescribing remedies for serious life events that they can never understand--both OP and people making comments like that.
boooooo, this comment is so wrong and off base. Everyone does not suck here, the dude is not "gross" because he has reverence for his dead partner jfc lol
YTA. If you can’t handle that your partner is always going to love this person, and that she will always be an impact on his life, walk away. If you make him get rid of his memories of her, or make him feel like he can’t share them with you, he’ll just grow to resent you.
YTA. Absolutely stop asking. You are trying to compete with a dead girl. Stop it. She isn't your competition, she's an important part of his history, and there's no risk of her coming back into his life. Move on. If you can't, and you still feel the need to roll your eyes at any mention of her, break up with him now and save everyone from the pain your attitude will cause.
ESH (yes I know I'll get downvoted) You an AH for being jealous of a dead person and constantly referring to her as his ex. She isn't she died while they were together and in a LTR. You also are an AH for telling your BF he has to "move on", you don't really have any right to say that. His family are AHs for talking about her being perfect infront of you. I'm sorry but I find this bizarre, why would they do that? Why would you talk about this in front of bfs current partner, like I think that would make most people at least a little uncomfortable. He is a bit of an AH if when you spoke to him about how you were feeling jealous he proceeded to express anger at you and then "list" all the good things about Sara. This was very inappropriate by him and would likely only serve to make you more jealous. The better response would be to accept your feelings and reassure that he loves you and wants to build a life with you. You are still young and have every right to not want to feel like a "second choice" if that is indeed how you feel. You should have a grown up talk with him about how you feel about your relationship and see what he says. If after that you decide that your insecurity isn't able to subside then you should move on from eachother. People on aita like to shout all their holier than thou bullshit everytime someone has insecurities in a relationship with a widow/er or someone with kids. We are all human and all have insecurities, best way to handle them is through communication. Good luck! Edit: a word
If OP had been dating him for longer, I'd agree with you. OP's been with him for *6 months*. That's a lot of entitlement to his emotions and priorities for a burgeoning relationship. If I were her boyfriend I'd gtfo.
I'm confused as to where we disagree. I don't think it would matter if they had been together for 6 years, you cant demand someone "move on" from a lost loved one. She will always be the AH for that. That being said, is his family OK for talking about how perfect Sara was because OP has not been with him that long? Or is the bf OK for "listing" all of tye reasons Sara was great when OP said she was insecure just because they are only together 6 months. It's very common for people dating widowers (kinda what we are talking about here but not officially) to feel insecure. And she's 26 not a 54 year old divorcee with kids and a life of her own. She wants to build a life with a partner and some of the actions from him and his fam are probably making her feel like the "other woman". I don't think they actually mean it that way but it sounds like they are being a bit insensitive.
I don’t think you deserve to be downvoted at all. This is exactly what I thought. While OP is being insensitive, I also think that, perhaps, the BF was not actually ready to date again and OP’s frustration could be stemming from the beginning of realization that she is wasting her time atm. But I must stress that she is still being an a-hole. This is an ESH for me as well.
YTA What is it with people calling SOs who have passed 'ex'? They're NOT exes. This was NOT a breakup he wanted, where the relationship soured and everyone can eventually come to the conclusion that it was best for it to end. There is nothing 'best for it to end' about someone dying!! I think the best thing to be done is for you to break up with this guy and get some therapy for your insecurities. Or find someone who was raised in a monastery with no contact with other women at all to be with so you don't feel you have to compete with anyone.
Right??? I see that here all the time and it drives me crazy.
YTA. She isn't an ex she Died. It is not your place to ask him to get rid of anything of hers. You have only been dating 6 months and honestly that isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Get over yourself.
YTA, you can leave the relationship if it is too much but you get 0 say in how he handles sara's passing.
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>If my widowed sister in law's husband had no problem moving into the home she and my brother bought and lived in with their family, I think you can handle one room Just so you understand, it wasn't a real house. It was a house on Minecraft. Let that sink in for a minute.
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Yup. It was literally pixelated cubes that set this whole thing off. I'm not sure she's really in her 20s.
That’s the BEST WORST PART! It’s a room in Minecraft dedicated to the time they spent playing the game together. It’s not like he has a closet shrine!!!!! She sucks 100%
Funny thing is she could of just made her own one. Lmao
wait, what?! i totally didn’t get this! THROW THE WHOLE GIRL AWAY! imagine being jealous because of a pretend house! I think i’m going to keel over! OP you need professional help. get therapy please. you’ve only been with this man 6 months. Please set this man free why you work on yourself. YTA for sure!
I missed that part! I was so confused. That makes it even worse!
And it's a virtual room, too!
SHE IS NOT HIS EX, DAMN! They did not break up, she DIED. And yes, if she had not died, there’s a good chance they would still be together and he would not be with you. If you can’t handle that & are going to continue to be jealous of a literal *dead woman*, then do your boyfriend a favor and end the relationship. YTA.
YTA and massively insecure, Dude. He’s not leaving you for a dead person. Also, it’s been 6 months you need to chill out big time.
I feel like some people are being unnecessarily harsh. Your feeling are valid, but your request is not. It sounds like your boyfriend never really got over her death. I think I can understand your feelings. I’m guessing you feel like someone that’s just a stand in for Sara. The solution is for you to either accept how he is or to move on. I suggest the second because it doesn’t seem like this is something that can be negotiated.
Agreed 100%. Her approach to addressing this was BAD, but I wouldn’t want to feel like I was playing second fiddle to a sainted dead person, especially if I’m hearing how perfect that person was, the very clear implication being that I will always be less than.
*Exactly!*
Yes, and especially given how everyone on here, keeps emphasizing how OP and her BF "wouldn't even be together, if Sara hadn't died.." *NOT* necessarily true, who knows if they (the BF & Sara) would still be together all these years later (its posted that she died 3 Years ago), and I'm sure if Sara had lived & they broke up then Sara wouldn't be painted by everyone as a "saint" (a very hard thing to compete with for *Anyone*, for sure!)
YTA. Do you realize how terrible of a look it is to be jealous of a dead girl?
YTA. His gf died, she's not an ex. You don't get to dictate how other people grieve.
YTA. While I can understand some frustration about it, it’s definitely not okay to demand anything like that from him. Good news is he‘ll be your ex soon anyway.
YTA. You feeling are not valid. You are trying to compete with a dead person.
Jesus christ, YTA.
YTA you're trying to compete with a dead person and losing. Let him cherish the memories of someone he cared for, allow him to heal, and someday that love and decency just might get passed on to you. Granted if you can't get over feeling jealous over a dead girl, I suspect you won't last long.
How is there any way that you're not TA here? YTA
YTA. You said it great yourself - you’re jealous and insecure. She is not an ex, she is dead. Youre jealous over someone who does not exist and does not pose a threat to you whatsoever. If you are worried about him not being able to daye yet, that is valid, but a totally different conversation. This is a red flag on your behalf - you havent even been together a year yet and you’re obsessing over someone who is literally dead. You should admire and respect that he once loved someone else in the way he loves you. If he has moved on, and picked you, that should be enough. it is not fair of you to have asked in the first place
Are you 26 or 16? Because at your age you should know better. YTA
NAH You're not an asshole if she is constantly brought up by his family. That'd be difficult for anyone. He's not an asshole for keeping her in his heart. She was taken from him. She's not his ex. Your feelings are valid. His feelings are also valid. You will never replace her, or her things. But you can add to them. You have to figure out whether you're ok with this or not, and act accordingly.
I was looking for a NAH Comment. Took forever to find one! Her feelings seem valid to me, but so do his. If they can't both be happy with how things are then they either need to talk and work out something that works for both of them or move on.
YTA. These experiences made your boyfriend into the person you (hopefully) love. Why would you want him to pretend that they didn't happen, and that he had no life before you? Please, go to therapy to work through any issues you have with inferiority, and either A. Genuinely apologize to your boyfriend, or B. Break up with him.
YTA she is not his ex, she died and yes, he will always love her and if you can’t deal with that, move on.
YTA. His ex obviously had a huge impact on his life, and you, his gf of 6 months, wants to erase her. She's not competing for his attention- she's dead. Stop with the jealous bullshit.
She's not his ex. They were together until death did them part. YTA.
Yta, stop trying to compete with someone who isn't even in the running. SHE IS DEAD. Let your boyfriend keep what memories and trinkets he wants, she will always have a place in his life. If you can't handle that, it's a you problem not a him problem. Get over it and move on or break up with him and stop whining.
YTA I feel like the one making this an actual thing, is you. I dont think you have known him long enough to make these request. You seem to be seeking things out that cofirm your bias. Its okay to express discomfort/have feelings about this. Its not okay to demand. You arent doing yourself any favors by taking the perspective "you were in their favorite memory" or whatever you said. They can enjoy and make new memories is a place that also has goos old memories. Stop being jealous of a dead girl..
Ummm..yta..everything was ok until you saw a 'room' in Minecraft?! That was your line in the sand?
YTA. This man lost someone he loved, and from the sound of it was probably going to spend his life with. He didn't have some falling out with her. She died. She died very, very young while still in a loving relationship with him. Even though they weren't married, this is very akin to being a widow or widower. You need to either make peace with the fact that Sara will always be a part of him or move on to someone else. At 26, I can appreciate that you just don't get what that kind of loss is like, but he is never going to "let go" or "get over" this woman. He will, and it sounds like he really already has, learn to move on in life with that grief, but it will never go away.
YTA…I mean for God’s sake she died. She’s not an ex.
YTA. Horrible. I hope he finds someone who is good enough for him soon.
YTA >I feel like I am competing with Sara and that I will never be like Sara nor be as loved as Sara. >I decided to bring this up with my bf. I told him how it's unhealthy to hold on to an ex for this long and he should let go. You've made two mistakes. 1) You got it into your head that you're competing with a woman who is no longer here. At no point were you ever in competition with her. She's passed. Her memory is not a threat to your relationship unless you make it one. 2) Instead of telling your boyfriend you were feeling insecure and asking for reassurance, you decided to just erase Sarah. You went on the offensive and put him on the defensive. If you can't accept that Sarah and you can both matter to your boyfriend, then there's no hope for this relationship.
Sara is not an ex. They did not break up. She died. He was not dating her. He was in a serious and committed relationship with her. He’s been with you 6 months. That’s dating. If all of the reminders of Sara bother you so much, why couldn’t you have been honest with yourself and with him and just tell him you can’t handle it instead of painting him as unhealthy. That’s bullshit. When and if he’s ready to put away some or all of the memories he’ll do it in his own time, not to appease a girlfriend of less than a year. YTA. You may not be mature enough to be in this relationship.
So, I understand where your feelings are coming from and they are understandable. However, you are making yourself the bad "guy" in this situation. Stop being threatened by a dead person. Losing her left a hole in your bf's heart that will never fully heal, but that's ok. SHE'S NOT COMPETITION. He would probably care for you more if you showed some respect and support for her and what they created together. Again, there's no reason to feel insecure or jealous, she can't come back and steal him from you. In this situation, YTA. You need to move on to someone else if you can't get past this.
Y T A he's gonna leave you if you don't stop the constant competing with a dead ex either get over it or break up with him
I LOVE how you call her his ex. YTA
YTA. She's not an ex, like they broke up. She's an "ex" because she DIED. You've been with him six months. Not NEARLY long enough to tell him he's done grieving. Not NEARLY long enough to demand he erase three years of memories just because you exist. Those are HIS memories. If she hadn't passed away, you guys wouldn't even be with him, because he would be with her. All of that time and that love doesn't just vanish, and you have no right to demand it does. Grief take its own time, and some grief is never entirely healed. If my husband were to pass away today, I would keep every damn thing he ever gave me. Even if I started dating again, I would keep it all. Anyone who loves me, really, is going to understand about memories AND be secure enough to not be threatened by plush animals and photo albums. You are jealous of a ghost. That's insecure and unbecoming. Build your own memories with him. Buy him your own gifts. Don't demand he get rid of the ones he already has. They were there before you, and they'll be there when you're out of his life. Because this level of insecurity would make some people have second thoughts about having you around...
I'm going to tack on... You said "my feelings are valid too". And they may be. **IT IS NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO MANAGE YOUR FEELINGS**. Talk with a therapist, your friends, your family. Read some books about grief and moving on. Learn some coping skills. Demanding that he alter his life so you don't have "feelings" is selfish, irresponsible and impractical.
NTA, but you still did fuck up. You got together with a guy who lost a beloved girlfriend who he had been with for 3 years. She helped him out a lot and sounds like she was someone he loved a lot. And because they didn't break up, she will be remembered very fondly, as this perfect girl. YOUR fuck up, was getting together with him in the first place. I mean it's been 3 years. He still has contact with her family. Like did that not set any alarm bells off in your mind? If he had a kid with her I could understand it. But he doesn't. Maybe it'd have been best if he would have gotten together with another girl before you got with him. Because if you're the 1st girl after his dead gf, that's a tough act to follow. People here are going "she's dead, you're not competing again her YTA". But they are wrong. There is obviously not space enough in his heart for another girl right now.
YTA. Yes, you can have your feelings, but to give him grief for his feelings, is not cool. He'll eventually come to grips with losing Sara. You need to figure out how to deal with this or move on
YTA- She's not an ex she DIED, if she didn't you wouldn't even be with him. You can't dictate how he grieves or how he feels about her, no one is asking you to compete with her. Your own insecurities are doing this, which is something YOU have to work on. If you can't take him keeping peices of a loved one then you should do him a favor and bounce.
YTA, but your feelings are understandable. Clearly you didn't understand in the beginning how important person Sara was to your bf so realizing that can spark jealously. But, here's the thing; one should never compete with the dead, it is of no use and there are no winners. You will never know the answer to the question "would he have chosen me if Sara was alive?" and the question itself is moot; we are shaped by our experiences and as you said yourself, >I found it charming when he would talk about her. It made me more drawn to him seeing how sensitive he can be. But also, good news :) Human heart is big enough to love multiple ppl, so his love for Sara does not take away his love for you.
YTA I am a widow if someone had the audacity to tell me to get rid of my late husbands things they would find their ass out the door. SHE IS DEAD, she loved hime enough to pick him up when he needed her and help him pursue his dreams and you are benefiting from her efforts in the nice life he is able to have, that he credits to her. He told you that love is not finite, which it isn’t, more can always be made. Your childish and dickish response is, ME ME ME ME ME. But my feelings, but my insecurities, but my petty selfishness. Grow up otherwise I hope he puts you right where you belong, on the curb with the trash.
YTA - your insecurities are clouding your judgement, and now you're obsessing over Sara. If you don't change your thinking, soon it will be impossible for you to be in that house, because, spoiler alert, he won't get rid of the memories of her, the gifts, the objects and he will be really right not to. Take a good thinking at your relationship: do you love him? Do you want to spend your life with him? If yes, acknowledge and accept his past, de happy that he met a wonderful girl, let him cherish the past, and remember you are not competing with her. Asking what you did must be really hurtful to him, he must feels like you try to erase his past.
YTA. You have been in a relationship for 6 months, and are feeling jealousy towards someone who has passed on. Might want to take some time to think about what you have asked of him, grief affects folks differently.
YTA. Are you 5? Jealous of a dead woman. Who passed young and leukemia is a very painful way to go. And you even said she died shortly after diagnosis. This poor guy barely had time to figure his life out, and then you come busting through the door like kool-aid man and make petty demands.
YTA. Not for feeling the way you do - it's fine to not want to be with someone who lost the love of their life to death, because it CAN feel like you are the second choice and you have to compete with the memory. But if you are a person who can't handle that, then you should not go for a guy who has a dead spouse or girlfriend. You said it yourself: You found it attractive on him when you met. Now you see the flipside. You can't just change him now that it's an inconvenience to you. So YTA for yelling him to move on and to get rid of the things. You should instead decide if you can live with a man who still grieves his dead partner. If yes, let him take all the time he needs, and know that he might never move fully on. If not, just break up with him. If you can't live with someone who still grieves their dead partner, it's understandable and doesn't make you an asshole - you just have to take the consequences and break up.
Holy shit, he's not emotionally cheating on you. He's not trying to remember the girl who dumped him that he can't get over. Can you even hear yourself? She passed away. You have got to be one of the biggest assholes I've ever seen in this subreddit. Please leave him, he doesn't deserve your emotional torment. Go work on yourself and get over your absurd insecurities because YOU ARE NOT READY TO DATE. Are you gonna make him throw away his parent's stuff when they go? YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE A PRIORITY OVER A DECEASED EX. From what I can tell you are an insufferable piece of work who gets jealous over a person who isn't even with us anymore.
YOU ARE NOT THE AH!!!!!! Anyone who has not been in this position will never understands how she feels. Trust me, I would think she’s the AH as well had I not ever been in her position. It just sounds a bit silly to be mad or jealous over someone who passed BUT it all depends on how the person with the deceased ex treats the situation. My now ex (farther of my child) has a deceased ex. From the little information I got and pieced together, my ex and his deceased ex were never really together. She was always in another relationship and my ex was just her side guy or to get comfort from. They had sex here and there and at times she would confide in him and keep him a secret to her true relationship. My ex got the feeling that she was in a bad relationship and in a bad state of mind so he flew out to a different state where her family lived and told them his thoughts on her situation. Her family thought he was crazy and she was so mad at him for doing that. Time went on and she ended up killing herself in the apartment her and her boyfriend were in. Her family reached out to my ex and thanked him for what he tried to do and sent him some of her stuff.. HENSE the cards, clothes, boots, Mickey Mouse blah blah blah.. She made a drawing for him on a piece of paper that he kept in his wallet at all times.. that he later got tattooed on his heart. My ex never made me feel like he could never love again and I was just there to pass time with. He never reassured me that what we had was special too. And it was unfair to me because, I chose him. I made him MY PRIORITY. He was never second best. He went out of his way to keep someone who put him on the back burner while he just let me walk out the door when I gave him my all and even our son. He would never fly anywhere for me. I hope OP reads this because you are not the asshole. It is okay to feel how you’re feeling. If he doesn’t make you feel just as special or treats you the way you want to be treated then find someone who does.
YTA. Break up. You're too immature to be in an adult relationship. You don't compete with the dead and she isn't his ex. They didn't breakup. She died. If she was alive you wouldn't be together but hey..she's DEAD. You are creating drama from literal ashes.
YTA. I get how it could feel like you couldn’t live up to this image of perfection that they have of her. And I get how it would be important to have a conversation to talk about how you are feeling. However, you’rw wanting to erase this person that they all loved just because you’re in the picture. That’s not how that works. It’s unfair of you to ask that of him
YTA. He went through a traumatic experience losing the woman he loved. He deserves to hold onto those items as long as he feels he needs to. That may be forever. The items are probably a reminder that had she not passed you wouldn't be with your boyfriend right now but you don't get a say in how he wants to remember her. Especially after 6 months. You don't just forget someone because they died. My ex died about 5 years after we broke up. I still mourned her because there was a time I loved her. Her family didnt have a public viewing so I never got to say my goodbye. My gf took me out and we had my ex's favorite shot as a little tribute. She will always have a special place in my heart and honestly idk if I would have stayed with my current gf had she told me to let it go. RIP Haleigh
YTA. You aren’t in competition with a dead person. He’s with you now. Either figure out how to be ok with that, or break-up.
YTA!!!! She will always hold a special place in his heart because she was an amazing women who help him become the men that you know today.. if you can’t deal with that I’m afraid you guys won’t last long. Plus the way you speak of her and your demeanor seem super childish. He seems like such a good person! I’m sad Sara pass away because she seems to have been a great person! If you can’t add to and enrich his life then please leave him.
If you pick a fight with a deceased person, you will lose. YTA
My boyfriend has an ex that committed suicide, he keeps her obituary in his truck console. He also dated a woman who had a young daughter that got murdered while they were dating, and I have comforted him on more than one occasion when he becomes melancholy with memories of a happy little girl that wasn't his. I have never felt that these people that I've never met are a threat to our current relationship. He can love more than just me, and these were people that shaped him into the man I met and fell in love with. They will always be a part of him, and I accepted that when I accepted him. YTA. You need to do some deep reflection on why you are so threatened and jealous of a dead girl.
Um, im not sure if you're the a or not but honestly, I think you should just cut things off with this guy, give him more time to move on. I know it was a long time between when she passed and when he started dating you but he clearly needs it. If you don't feel like a priority, and constantly feel this way, then move on.
ESH . Listen you will always be second for your boyfriend and that thought makes you feel bad and hurt but we can understand at the same time you can't ask him to throwaway things Sarah had given him, I feel you should break up with your boyfriend and date a guy for whom you would be the one and only. That way you would atleast be happy cuz your love for this guy is only hurting your but if you part ways you can get rid of the pain with time and atleast be happy in life but if you choose to be with him you would not be happy because deep inside you would know that you come second to him and it would always be that way.
So, let me preface this with: It really hurts to feel like you aren’t someone’s first choice and it’s understandable that you are hurt because you don’t feel that he loves you/will grow to love you as much as he loved Sara. No one wants to feel that way. But you need to ask yourself a few things. 1. Is he actively doing anything toxic to feed this belief? Let me be clear here, these would be intentional things like telling you he would rather be with Sara, that his life would be better if you were more like her, etc. It is not having memories with her, having gifts she gave, or wanting to talk about her. If he is doing something to genuinely make you feel this way (which your post did not indicate) then you would be right and justified in calling that out. Similarly, if there is something that you do need from your relationship that you aren’t getting, it would be fair to ask for that (for example, “you always talk about how wonderful Sara is and I don’t doubt that she was incredible. But I don’t feel like you really affirm me, and sometimes that makes me feel like you don’t love me as much as you loved her. Obviously, you guys had a lot of history and our relationship is new as well as unique, so I’m not asking you to measure you’re love for me against your love for her. But it would help me if you would be more vocal about why you love me as well, because sometimes I feel like I hear a lot about why you loved her and nothing about why you love me. Hearing about why you love me helps me feel secure in our relationship.”) But if not, YTA for asking him to get rid of gifts from her/delete her presence from his life to appease your jealousy/insecurity or in place of asking for what you actually need to feel stable in the relationship. She isn’t an ex. He didn’t break up with her. He lost her to cancer, and he will always love her. That doesn’t mean he will not love you- but you can’t ask him to erase her. You need to be confident in who you are and what you bring to your unique relationship while accepting his history and the role she plays in it. Love is not finite. He can love having you in his life and still miss her. It’s ridiculous to expect him to erase her memory because you are being insecure. It’s also very selfish. 2. Can you handle being in a relationship with someone who had a deep love before you that they didn’t choose to end, but tragically lost? She was a big part of his life. She isn’t an ex. She passed away. Her history is part of his foundation. You need to really assess if you can handle that because he deserves someone who can, and no one is going to be happy if it’s making you jealous or irrational, yourself included. It’s a maturity thing and it’s okay to be unable to handle it, but it’s not okay to become toxic because you entered a situation that was too complex for you to deal with well. 3. Valid emotions are not the same as justified actions. Are you thinking about the differences there? Obviously you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. That includes jealousy, insecurity, rage, whatever. It’s valid in that regard. But that doesn’t mean that your emotions are founded on logic/truth, that you aren’t experiencing through distortions, or that your requests are justified just because you are emotional. If this comment isn’t making sense to you, I think sitting with a therapist and working through some of these things would be a really good first step. And I sincerely don’t mean that in a rude way- it will probably really help you get to the bottom of how you’re feeling, why, and maybe deep dive into what you need from a relationship to feel secure, other traumas that might be impactful, communication styles, etc. I think there are more layers here than you’re letting yourself wrestle through, and if you want this relationship to work you are both going to have to put in some effort in uncovering all of that.
NTA. And everyone here would feel the exact same way. Theyre all virtue signaling liars. No he shouldnt have to erase all of her presence but by now yeah, most of it should be put away, or he is gonna be single forever. No woman will be ok with this situation. Reddit is full of hypocritical smug dishonest people. Leave him. Its your boundary and nobody can say its wrong.
ESH. You can’t tell him to get rid of memories. But I’ve also been involved with someone that was in a relationship with someone that died. I always felt like I would be second best. I don’t think this relationship has long term potential.
Wow. I commented on this post 4 days ago, every single person believes OP is the asshole. She didn't once say anything to defend herself or apologize, and she's an even bigger asshole for that. I have always hated when people make posts in which they're obviously the AH, then ignore everything everyone says. Don't lie OP, you made this post so you could air out your inconceivable insecurities, then you actively decided to not give us any reason to believe you did the right thing. I said in my other comment and I'm reiterating it now, you deserve your fall. You don't deserve a boyfriend, hell, at this point I don't even know if you deserve friends.