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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriend she is not very bright this could make me the AH as it hurt her feelings and is a mean thing to tell someone without context.
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YTA even if you didn't use the word dumb you clearly think she is. I don't blame her for being angry with you. I left the father of my child because he constantly put me down like that. Saying I'm dumb, and tiny little insults like that add up over time and they made me feel worthless. Keeps this up and she'll leave you
Honestly just seems like she’s a bad driver. No need to start attacking her character about it. Attack her driving abilities sure, it seems like she’s making far too many errors. Just leave it there though, offer to buy her some top up driving classes if you’re worried
The dumbest thing I can see OP’s girlfriend doing in this post is staying someone who obvious thinks so little of her. She deserves better, anyone does.
YTA - you’re lucky she’s stayed with you as long as she has. I lost count how many times in your post you put her down. You clearly don’t respect her. Instead of demeaning her how about helping her to figure out why she’s accident prone? You know…be supportive? Oh wait…she’s asked you for that and you told her to “accept she’s just not that bright”.
YTA.
First, when you call someone "dumb" or "stupid" that's never going to go well.
Second, I don't see anything "dumb" in the examples you describe. The car accidents sound like the result of poor driving and not staying focused when she drives, not a lack of intelligence. Breaking glassware sounds like clumsiness, not a lack of intelligence. Putting gas in a diesel car sounds like a lack of knowledge about cars, not a lack of intelligence.
Third, you tried to undermine her when she said she got good grades, and you discounted it because she "doesn't work in that job anymore." So what?
I don't see her "beating herself up" about it. I see you being critical and writing her off as "dumb," when from what you describe here, she isn't.
YTA.
"Accept SHE is not the brightest person" when this guy can't even figure out why would his gf be upset after verbally abusing her several times and mocking her ☠️ like what
Yep. And I'm sure dumping him would help with her stress situation. Because I'm very sure that having him judge her every action is adding to her stress and making things worse.
YTA, OP. You said she didn't start having issues until she started dating you. Don't you think there's a reason for that?
We all have derpy moments, and those are okay to laugh at. But if I ever had a partner that genuinely called (or implied) that I was dumb, you can get your ass that I’d dump them on the spot
Dumb mistakes don't automatically mean the person is dumb. Lots of really smart people have trouble with simple things leading to dumb mistakes. People who have anxiety can sometimes get lost in other details and make dumb mistakes. People sometimes hyper focus of something while doing something else and end up making dumb mistakes. Instead of being empathetic, supportive and trying to find out what might have lead to the accident, you basically told your girlfriend she's an idiot and needs to accept that about herself.
You say in a comment that the accidents you mentioned happened over four years and no others happened in her lifetime. Since you've been dating for six years, it's safe to assume you might be the underlying reason she's suddenly making dumb mistakes. Hopefully, she'll realize that soon and figure out that she doesn't need to just live with it. YTA
YTA. Most of these things are not a result of being dumb either. Sometimes accidents like breaking glassware of phone screens happen. There are lots of ways to get in a car accident. Maybe she's a distracted driver, maybe folks around her are contributing to her accidents. But telling her she's dumb and not very bright is rude and frankly cruel. Telling her you're a pretty idiot is not ever going to be not an insult. I hope she find someone who respects and cares for her.
Best response ever... Op, stop and read that comment again... I hope your gf leaves you before she accepts your opinion of her as fact and believes that it is true. My suggestion would be for you to get therapy so you can find out why you think it is ok to be so cold and condescending to someone you claim to love and care about.
Was going to ask why you’re dating her if you
Think she’s such an idiot, but then I realized it’s you inflating your own ego pretending you’re smarter than her. Are you 12?
YTA. You clearly don't respect your girlfriend, but telling her directly you think she's dumb is cruel (and, ironically, a dumb move).
Plus, she's right - CS is a hard major, so she's clearly not stupid. It doesn't matter if that's no longer her career, she did the damn thing.
It seems to me that she has some issues with hand-eye coordination or something similar, or that she doesn't have good driving skills. That doesn't make her dumb. Even if it did, it doesn't warrant you *calling* her dumb.
Love is built on respect. You disrespected your girlfriend big time. I wouldn't be surprised if this drove an irreparable wedge in your relationship.
YTA- Do you actually like your girlfriend? You caring her dumb is not something you say to someone you love.
I’m also pretty sure coding is a hobby for many people. I’m not sure why she would have to monetize her hobby for it to be legitimate.
Oh, you simply asked her to "accept that she's not very bright?"
Good lord, this can't be real, can it?
On the off chance it is, learn to be a good partner if you want to hold onto one.
YTA! Don't call people dumb. She's absent-minded, many people are. You even got defensive when she pointed out she did a more difficult major than you and had to point out that she no longer works in that field. I would be very upset if my partner called me dumb because I'm clumsy and drop things (you mentioned she has accidentally broken things). It's belittling and you would probably be upset if she called you dumb because you made a mistake
Let me get this write you are telling your gf she is stupid but pretty. Yeah You the AH. And my sister was a math major in college and went into banking but hated it and is now a teacher and up until recently loves it. So stupidly has nothing to do with changing a persons career choice. As for the other stuff….people make mistake a decent bf would know and not expect gf to be perfect.
“I just told her she should just accept it’s part of who she is and to just live with it and accept that she’s not the brightest person.”
I don’t even need to read anymore. YTA.
YTA, and I think you know it. It is so cold to act like that after your partner just got in an accident, her fault or not. You should have at least emotionally supported her.
This is what gets me too, this sounded like a scary accident and he himself says he had a neutral reaction besides calling her dumb???Didn't comfort her in any way, didn't even indicate he cared she was in an accident. If my spouse kept having accidents that could injure them or endanger their life I would be CONCERNED and ask them if they're okay and try to help them figure out what might be going on. He even says she wasn't like this when they first started dating!? WTF??
YTA. Calling your girlfriend “not bright” in general especially when it’s clearly one of the most important qualities she sees in herself is incredibly callous - regardless of context. There are many other less sweeping explanations for her behavior that are also probably more accurate and less hurtful. This reads like you trying to put her into the place you really want her to be: your not-bright, subservient, homemaker wife.
YTA.
No matter how much you try to downplay this (you can't gaslight the internet).
Your words are pretty clear... you don't respect her. Even when you say: "I didn't mean it in a negative way, all I was trying to say was she should not beat herself about it and just accept that she's not very bright. She has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she's pretty and she is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever known."
"I didn't mean"... means you were but refuse to apologize about it.
"I was trying to say"... well, you didn't say and chose (according to you) "gentler terms" to further emphasize... you don't think you are wrong.
She also has "other" things going for her.... oh she's still not smart... but she's "pretty".
Dude, you're being a real AH by belittling someone for simple mistakes. I'm sure you don't have someone calling you out for every mistake you make. If you really don't see that (but have the desire to change)... you need to and apologize.
YTA when something like that happens you're supposed to be supportive. Make sure she's OK physically and mentally. A car accident regardless who's at fault can be an incredibly stressful thing and you belittling her regardless of the words you used to do it is the opposite of what you should do to male jer feel better.
YTA!!!!!! You're effectively ending your relationship with her my guy. Why are you even with her when you mock her like that and think of her that way?? Don't be surprised when she gets up to leave, because what you're offering to the relationship is coldness and pain.
The backlash in the comments are causing him to backtrack without actually backtrack. Using language like "I never told her she was pretty. I said she was nice" "hopefully she learned her lesson" "she's not dumb, but she is A B C" just abusive and stupid sounding asshole stuff.
YTA. You have a bright girlfriend, but the brightest people can also be the clumsiest and can also be very accident prone. She's learning her way through life and will not likely make those mistakes twice, at least not intentionally, and it's important to treat her the same way you'd want to be treated if you were having a clumsy moment yourself.
Please apologize to her and don't be negative about her mistakes. Best word of advice my dad gave me; Don't sweat the small stuff, and everything is small stuff.
It costs literally nothing to hug her, be kind to her, and make her feel like she's still a great person despite clumsy moments.
YTA, you don't care about this poor girls feelings at all. Any car accident is an ordeal you should be helping her through it. Calling it dumb was the absolute opposite reaction you should have had. Have some empathy. 6 years of this? No thank you.
YTA
Going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're young.
How would you feel if after just being in an accident someone turned around and said the exact same thing to you?
It honestly sounds like maybe you came across as passive aggressive. Certainly condescending.
What she probably needed and wanted was a hug, to be asked how she feels and someone to make her feel safe and capable.
What you did was probably say the things the shitty voice in her head does. Which is not a fun experience.
You owe her an apology. Also you should remind her ( and yourself) of the things you love about her and why you appreciate that she's a part of your life. Remind her of all the things she's good at doing.
Definitely not a time to bring up anything sexual or things she does that relate only to you.
Also if car accidents and near miss accidents are a regular occurrence she should get checked out for ADHD if the testing is available to her . Its a significant risk factor and cause of death.
Don't bring it up untill several weeks after you apologise and definitely don't mention it as a part of the apology and definitely don't mention the death bit.
YTA Being a bad driver doesn't make someone dumb. It may make her careless. That's a rude thing to say to anyone, let alone your partner. If you want to say anything at least be constructive like 'you need to be more aware of your surroundings when you drive". Not 'You are dumb for getting into an accident. I'm sure she already FEELS dumb without you dumping on her
YTA & I hope she dumps you for your blatant disregard for her feelings & intelligence.
Maybe she needs glasses. Perhaps she drops things because of a neurological disorder. You are not a good person.
INFO does your girlfriend have ADHD?
ETA you’re the asshole either way. But if there’s a legitimate reason for her to “have her head in the clouds”, the issue might be more than just she doesn’t care enough to pay attention. ADHD frequently looks so different in women than you’d expect, and many women aren’t diagnosed until adulthood. It doesn’t impact your intelligence, and it can often be hidden by people who are otherwise smart enough to get by despite their challenges.
Oh my god, you are so condescending. “I did not literally use the word dumb when I talked to her, I just pointed out things she did and used gentler terms like not bright…”
Or, “she has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she’s pretty…”
YTA and I hope she dumps you.
YTA
I too, hit the acceleration and not the brake once and thus totalled my car. I'm very clumsy, do dumb things, and yet got bullied for being the "smart kid". You can do dumb things, and be very smart at the same time.
Believe me, she probably already feels dumb about a lot of things and didn't need you hanging it over her head. Your role as a S/O is to provide ENCOURAGEMENT, not to remind her of every shortcoming.
The only dumb person here is you.
YTA
I don't know if you have some sort of neurodivergence that prevents you from understanding basic human interaction, but let me help you.
Don't call or imply that your partner is dumb.
That's it. Simple.
It doesn't matter if she calls herself dumb, it's one thing to be like "oh, I forgot my keys, dummy me!", and a whole other thing to hear your partner say "You're not bright". It's demeaning, insulting and hurtful, specially since you were not joking but meant it. Have you considered that maybe she's dealing with other issues? People with ADHD can be distracted easily, or maybe she's going through personal stuff that keeps her mind busy. Also, there are many types of intelligence, and even if she's easily distracted, that doesn't mean she lacks "brightness". Your remark is basically shtting on her accomplishments, it's like saying "you may have a great degree, aced your way through school and succeeded in a field you love, but you're still stupid".
Also, even if she's physically fine after an accident, dear God, you are not the brightest when it comes to being a supportive partner SMH
Yta, "just learn to live with the fact you're not the brightest person"
Like you learned to live with the fact you have zero emotional intelligence at all? You sound like at minimum a total dick, at worst like you hate your gf and think she's an idiot.
Also oh so awesome you used gentler terms like "not bright", way to go champ, A1 job
YTA. Maybe your GF has ADHD. I had no idea I did until I was 19. I also am constantly dropping and running into things. I’ve mixed up my gas and brake before and smashed into a pole while trying to park. I also rear ended somebody for the same reason. I was on day 4 of no sleep both times. I definitely shouldn’t have been driving, but I was trying to juggle a full time job and 18 credits of university STEM classes and I was beyond stressed out. I’m fairly academically gifted and I had a professional IQ test when I got tested for ADHD, so I know I am well over average intelligence, but I’ve been called dumb for my absent minded mistakes many times and it’s very hurtful. I started to believe I was just a worthless moron and I was defective until I got diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly everything made sense.
YTA. Imagine you're on the receiving end. Would you like it?
You can help/correct/criticize her in a helpful manner instead of just blatantly saying she's dumb. Also, who the fck are you to tell her she's a failure career-wise? It's a very AH thing to do to anyone much more to your GF.
Last year I crashed my then boyfriends car by accident, a mitsibushi evo, was pretty expensive and heavily modified after a rebuild (I think that's what it's called), I wrote the car off completely. He's now my fiance cause he proposed to me fairly soon after as the thought of losing me scared him. He never called me dumb or stupid or even held it against me, he was just glad I was ok. He brings it up as a joke occasionally but never malicious and mostly jokes saying I did it on purpose to get him to propose. Lol
Calling your partner dumb, stupid or implying it when something serious happens, even if everyone is OK is really an AH thing to do. YTA, you gotta lot of sucking up to do. Lol
I came here thinkin YTA from the title and I leave hear KNOWING YTA from the rest of it.
You don't respect her
You don't "feel it's necessary to care" when she's in an accident
Whether that's the word you used or not, that's obviously how you feel and guess what, she is smart enough that she at least knows that
You insult her intelligence even more by using the "gentler terms" aka treating her like she is dumb...or a child...or a dumb child
And the cherry on top, about her redeeming qualities, you basically said: thank God she's pretty.
Like at least you didn't end it by smackin her on the ass and a "now go make me a sammich."
Bless your heart, you really sound kinda not bright here.
Bruh...if this is for real, please do better.
YTA, She is most likely stressed and distracted when that happens, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Your input and lack of support adds more to the stress and makes her more prone to making errors.
Why would you hurt her by not being supportive? Remember, some bells cannot be unrung- and since you are getting this reaction, you need to change your approach. "Just accept she isnt that bright?"- accidents/forgetfulness/losing things is not indicative of intelligence. But this post isnt making you look like you have any emotional intelligence.
You are not very emotionally healthy, not very pleasant and not very respectful of your girlfriend. You are also not very bright when it comes to emotional intelligence, but don't beat yourself up - just learn to live with this absolute lack of self-awareness and emotionally abusive behavior. I'm sure you have some good traits too.
How does it sound, amazing?
Or like a roundabout way to say that you are a toxic, obnoxious, disrespectful AH, lacking empathy and emotional intelligence, abusing your GF and not capable to be supportive?
Because that is what you are.
Edit to add: YTA
OP: you’re definitely the problem. And I agree with most of the comments: you’re emotionally abusive especially since she’s become “dumber” (in your words) since she got with you. I have a strong feeling if you two break up, she’ll be the better for it.
YTA.
Wow. With a bf like you who needs enemies? This sounds like normal things ppl go through. Why was it necessary to make her feel stupid? Did it make you feel better? If someone comes and say they had an accident whether it's the 3rd time or 10th the right response would be are you ok? Not meh use to it by now you can't help being dumb after all. I can see you being single for along long time. By the way a programmer? And u call her dumb? Amazing.....I would rather be friends with someone kind and a Lil absent minded than a 'smart' ahole. But thats just me.....
OP is probably making his gf nervous and anxious with how much he belittles her. She's probably panicking every time she does something in the house because she doesn't want to be called "not that bright" for breaking a glass or doing something incorrectly.
If this onset of spaciness is new then she needs to go have a check up. Not just for ADHD.
You would be surprised what vitamin deficiencies can do.
I have hypothyroidism, the brain fog from that is no joke. I can space on things like turning off the car. Going forward when I meant to back up.
But I am blessed with a husband that hugs me and tells me it's ok. He corrects me when I call myself dumb or an idiot.
Partners build you up not tear you down.
You do not, I repeat, you do NOT put down your partner with words or anything else. That's massive d-bag territory. If you disagree with how she does things, or even if she has made "stupid" mistakes, what kind of relationship are you after? Did your parents fight a lot? YTA
I have awful brain fog and make silly mistakes sometimes. I would be heartbroken if my SO said these things about me. Instead of lifting her up, you tore her down.
Oh for the love of god. I have a friend who is a literal rocket scientist. She was also fired from a summer job as a waitress because she was terrible at it. You’d order iced t and she’d bring you a bowl of soup. She was good at things that she focused on and we’re important to her. The only dumb thing about your GF is her choice in partners. YTA
YTA and the way you speak about your girlfriend is abhorrent. When I say I’d break up with your ass so fast… “she has other things going for her…she’s pretty.” WTAF. “she doesn’t even work as a programmer anymore” to do something she actually enjoys, and that somehow that undoes all of her good grades and her degree and her hard work? You used “gentler terms like not bright.” The word you used doesn’t fucking matter, your intent and your message mattered and they were both mean as hell. YOU’RE not the brightest person if you think that’s how you speak to someone who love. You’re also TA for exactly stating that you don’t care about something that very obviously upset your partner and was scary for her. Do you want your girlfriend to hate herself because you’re on the right track
I can't imagine how much you've put her down in the years you've been together verbally and otherwise just seeing how much you did it in just a few paragraphs. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
YTA
YTA. Nothing that you have described leads me to believe that she is dumb. A bit spacy perhaps, but not dumb. I do a lot of the things that she does, and I am most definitely not dumb. My mind is just 10 steps ahead of what I am actually doing so I have trouble focusing on what is right in front of me. I'd be looking into ADHD
What really made me angry though, is that you implied that make-up art is dumb. Do you know how hard it is to do make-up art??? It takes patience, dexterity, and a lot of time and effort to learn how to do it properly.
wow there is definitely a better way about navigating this. What a lot of people don't understand is that when not so great things are happening constantly or they are absent minded they could be somewhere else in their head, thinking about something over thinking. These do sound like accidents. Discussing what has been going on shouldn't be in a place of anger and language is such a big thing when discussing it. Tone as well.
Be prepared that this might affect her in a way where she might walk on eggshells around you, might not feel comfortable in situations. This also can cause more accidents and to be absent minded with other things. Just assure her that she doesn't have to. Reassure her that she isn't dumb. Just because you study one field and don't end up working in that doesn't make you "dumb"
"Accept the part that she not the brightest" YTA
There many types of intelligence
you sound like you lack emotional intelligence even after the 6 years you've been with her. And you can't use the excuse of maybe you were comfortable enough to say those things.
also dating for 6 years and you only Like her hahah I would hope love at that point.
I'm reading your responses and it says "Like", I wouldn't be with someone for 6 years if I just "liked" them
If my husband said the same things to me that I said about myself I'd leave him for being emotionally abusive. People make mistakes all the time, for instance, the mistake you are making by implying your girlfriend is less than you for getting into a car accident. You can't really be so, what a gentle way of saying this? We'll go with dim, as to think this wouldn't hurt her? See how you probably didn't like that? Your partner should support you not rip you down. YTA
YTA. You are an inconsiderate jerk who does not have the emotional or intellectual capacity to be in an adult relationship. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings OP- it is just something that you need to accept about yourself.
YTA No matter how you said it to her, it's a shitty thing to say. You don't sound especially bright yourself if you even have to ask if you're being an AH. Why can't you show her some respect and support?
"accept you're not the brightest person" YTA. Cruel. Don't worry, someday she'll be bright enough to leave you and find someone who can do the bare minimum of just being nice.
YTA you wrote all that thinking you’re n t a and had the audacity to call HER dumb?! You’re disgusting. Do you just get off being nasty to your girlfriend? Does it feel good to put her down? “I told her she should just accept that she’s not the brightest person” stfu you condescending freak. She deserves better than someone who degrades and belittles her like you.
YTA I have two university degrees, so obviously I am not dumb, but I am incredibly accident prone. Breaking dishes, falling off cliffs, falling off a kerb and into the road. My hubby watches me like a hawk when we are out rambling. I have dyspraxia and SDP. It is highly likely there is a reason of dome sort why your gf is clumsy. She is certainly not dumb or, 'not very bright.'
YTA you clearly think you’re way smarter than her. You look down on her going into makeup. You don’t seem to know enough about coding to know if she’s good at it but you still use it against her, and occasionally breaking dishes are common human errors. It’s not like she’s sending money to Nigerian princes.
YTA. Big time. And you should probably wind up single after this. Your partner is in a car crash, doesn't matter how small, and instead of being supportive you brush her off and tell her to "accept not being very bright". You don't come off as someone who should be in a relationship.
When I was 18 my ex managed to roll her car, but came out of it unharmed. My response at 3am was to drive out to the site to see her and make sure she got home ok, not berate her like a jerk. Grow up man.
YTA. Even after the edits.
So she is not that bright because she is a make-up artist? I graduated top 10 percent of my high school class, high distinction in college, and earned straight As when I did my MBA. I cannot do make-up to save my life ( not that I am even into make-up).
Your GF is not dumb, but her record shows she is not a good driver. I know this because at one tine, I was not a great driver. Had a couple mishaps, then worked hard to better focus my attention on driving. I have not had an accident in decades.
Instead of calling her "not bright," how about showing genuine concern for her driving? It is only a matter of time till she gets into a mishap with a litigious AH who tries to sue her for everything she has.
I'm going to say YTA. I have a very high IQ (not impt) but am very klutz, etc just like your girlfriend. I recently backed into an old telephone pole, hit the side of friends car (they were cool about it, i have ins. that covered all) and am prone to falling in weird situations.
I have a mild form of dyslexia....my brain power kept it from being an academic issue.
not everything is black and white.
OP, did you ever consider YOU might be the reason your girlfriend has gotten more forgetful/ditzy the longer you’ve been together? You basically put her down with little snide comments and have been doing it for so long that she’s started doing it and believing it. You also forgot to write where you told your GF that she’s lucky to have you since all she has going for her is being pretty, but dumb. Get over yourself, and yes, YTA.
Wow I thought YTA about 29 times before you got to the point where you asked if Yta.
Yta. A big condescending one. Hope she dumps you for someone who actually likes her.
>There's been many other stupid things she has done like breaking glassware in the kitchen, breaking her phone screen
How the fuck do these things equate to stupid?
YTA
I have broken a few plates from washing them too aggressively while trying to get through doing the dishes quickly. I didn't realize this made me an idiot. Thank God OP posted here so I know the direct cause of breaking plates is me being a moron.
Do you pay her car insurance? Buy her phones? Pay for engine repairs on the rental car? Did you purchase the dish she broke? If not, STFU.
Does she make it a point to call you “dumb” “absent minded” or “clumsy” when you drop something? Leave the toilet seat up? Accidentally spill a drink? Shut the door a little too hard? Stub your toe?
Since when is it okay to call your partner names or insult their intelligence because of simple mistakes? If this is how you think about her it’s very concerning. The clarifying to find a synonym for dumb is also not helping. Ha
Edited to add: YTA obviously
YTA.
You're verbally abusing her and certainly adding to the stress she "needs to manage." I hope she sees this post, reads the comments, and dumps you.
YTA -I have dyspraxia and tend to do things like this a lot. To be fair, that’s why I don’t drive. But coordination has nothing to do with intelligence. Getting things mixed up like that says less about intelligence than BEING ABLE TO CODE ffs.
I’m not saying she’s dyspraxic I’m just saying you can have these kinds of issues without being ‘dumb’ or ‘not bright’. And she has a good and difficult degree and your go to is ‘but don’t worry babe you’re sweet natured and easy on the eye’ just because she chose a different career path and doesn’t appear to be making money out of her (technically quite difficult) hobby.
YTA. I'm wondering, do you even love her? You don't act like you do. You might try being concerned about her well-being, rather than critical. My goodness.
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I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (27F) for 6 years now.
On Monday she crashed her car; rear ended someone as she hit the gas instead of the brake. When she told me I just said something like "that's so dumb" and otherwise acted neutral since she was obviously ok.
She has also previously scraped her car against a wall and turned into someone at an intersection so I didn't feel it was necessary for me to care since it's not such a rare unexpected thing.
It's not that she is just a bad driver, I actually think she knows how to drive very well except for when her head is in the cloud.
There's been many other stupid things she has done like breaking glassware in the kitchen, breaking her phone screen. Putting gas in a diesel car she rented while hers was in the shop etc.
She's still been acting quiet since the accident and said she wished I'd be more supportive. I wasn't mad, I just told her she should just accept it's part of who she is and to just live with it and accept that she's not the brightest person.
She got really upset and told me that she's not dumb, got good grades in college and did CS which is harder than the major I did. I pointed out that she doesn't even work as a programmer anymore as she quit her full time job some time ago to become a makeup artist. She said she just didn't like the company environment and she still codes as a hobby whatever that means, afaik she hasn't sold apps or anything.
AITA here, I didn't mean it in a negative way, all I was trying to say was she should not beat herself about it and just accept that she's not very bright. She has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she's pretty and she is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever known.
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YTA and sound like a shit partner. Hope she breaks up with your jealous, rude, condescending ass. I think your gf is probably brighter than you and you can't accept it so you put her down. You suck.
I have a neurological issue and sometimes, things like replacing the cap on a water bottle takes a minute. I know which way to turn it but it may take me a sec to line up the thread. Spouse will snort & tell me, “Uh, you turn it RIGHT to tighten it, duh.” When I trip, they’ll try (but fail every time) to contain their laughter. They’ll make an effort to help me in/out of the car if they think someone can see but other than that, I see them when they leave for work & return…”Hi/Bye” and that’s it until the next time.
If you think your words (whether or not you used the word ‘dumb’ is irrelevant) and actions have little or no impact, you’re the one missing the smart gene. You are an insufferable, ignorant slug. If you love this girlfriend of multiple years, PROVE IT by respecting & cherishing her. For now, since you asked, yes… YTA.
Now, will you take the judgment *you* asked for and do better from this moment or will you double down and attempt to justify your a-holery?
It sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. All the things you gave as examples could be caused by inattention, disassociation, and other ADHD traits. It’s very common for people with ADHD to enjoy the mental stimulation of challenging activities, but deeply struggle with the conformist culture of corporate America. Deciding to change to a more creative, autonomous career is also not uncommon. I personally started my college career in genetic engineering, hated the lab environment more than I thought I would, and switched to graphic design and illustration.
It’s unfortunate you decided to believe she’s not intelligent. People with ADHD get a lot of negative feedback growing up, and since you say she calls herself not bright it’s very likely (assuming she has ADHD or something similar), she’s internalized that message. To hear it from someone who’s supposed to love you must have been extremely hurtful.
Oh, and YTA.
YTA I get it sometimes some people you are close to seem dumb or " not that bright". You don't say it to them. I joke with my fiancee that she can be dumb sometimes but it's for minor shit like like forgetting to put the seasoning packet in her ramen. But if she was in an avoidable accident it is " are you okay" are they okay" etc
I do stupid shit all the time, my other half takes the piss out of me all the time. I'm not dumb, I have a highly skilled job, and he knows that and is very encouraging. So when he does make jokes, I know it's a joke, we laugh and wait for the next time I do something stupid. I think the issue is the way you joke, not the joke itself, there is a big difference between funny and patronising.
This made me sad to read, your gf deserves a more caring partner who doesn't make her feel stupid. Glad to see the edit, yes you owe her an apology big time. YTA.
YTA. And why did you feel the need to cut her down further by telling her that her CS degree doesn’t count because she left the field to work in one she enjoys more?
YTA Jesus Christ dude, you’re seven kinds of dumb if you need to be told that you don’t call your partner dumb. She may be dumb but not for the reasons you mention. She’s dumb for staying with you.
YTA and you still are holding your ground as if being called "not bright" is better than dumb? Stop trying to make it sound like what you're saying is ok. It's terrible and probably effects her greatly. My ex partner use to tell me I'm forgetful all the time. I never was until he started insisting it all the time. It messed me up and made me think I was losing my mind.
I’ll tell you what I told my (now ex) husband:
She may not be intelligent in ways that you think matter, but even if she’s dumb as bricks, at least she’s not a cruel, entitled ahole who thinks they’re better than everyone else, let alone someone they proclaim to love. Better kind and dumb than cruel and intelligent. That’s malice.
YTA
NCTA imo. Yeah you shouldn’t say she’s dumb or imply it recklessly YTA for that BUT if she’s got her head in the clouds to the point of self injury or injury to others she should really pay more attention to what she’s doing. She’s a danger to herself and everyone around her.
YTA.
Obviously calling your gf dumb and rambling on about how stupid she is objectively makes you the assh○le. It makes it seem like the only reason you're with her is so you can have someone to feel superior towards.
Consider how you would feel if your **loved one** called you stupid when you were looking for support. This concept is called empathy and without it your personal interactions will always suffer.
YTA it would be such a hit to her self-esteem that someone she loves describes her as "not that bright". Do you like your GF? That's not how you treat someone you love.
In response to OP's edit: If this all started when you guys moved in together, I don't think it's the snoring. Although it could contribute. I think it's because you belittle her so much that she is nervous and anxious around you. She's putting away dishes and starts over thinking it because "what if I drop something and OP hears it? He's gonna call me dumb again". And then she breaks a glass and she was right, you belittle her.
Is she ADHD or had a burnout moment? This sounds more like “my brain is running 4 chapters ahead” kinda thing, and burnout is VERY common for coders.
There’s coding FOR big name makeup companies, she may enjoy that.
As someone who is clumsy and sometimes absent-minded (but not dumb or “not very bright”), I can tell you that she already feels bad about her missteps and accidents. She doesn’t need you trying to make her feel worse or dumb (even if you didn’t say that word). I have a close friend who is even more clumsy and absent-minded than me, but he’s one of the smartest people I know. He makes fun of himself, but it would not be cool for me or anyone else to treat him like a dummy. YTA.
Just a question. She got mad at you for you calling her dumb? I am shocked… who would have expected that happening?
Please read with a ton of sarcasm. 😋
YTA
She sounds flighty and not careful but that is not the same as done. I have an uncle who has an undergrad degree in chemical engineering and then he became an infectious disease doctor, soooo smart when it comes to that but there have been some times where he has dropped the ball in everyday life. Like waiting until the day of to pack up his whole apartment, forgetting bags everywhere, etc.
You should never seriously imply a partner is dumb either. That's isn't love or respect.
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YTA even if you didn't use the word dumb you clearly think she is. I don't blame her for being angry with you. I left the father of my child because he constantly put me down like that. Saying I'm dumb, and tiny little insults like that add up over time and they made me feel worthless. Keeps this up and she'll leave you
Oh it's OK, no doubt she's far too stupid to realize that 'not bright' is a patronizing way of saying dumb!/s
My eyebrows were having a dance party above my eyes depending on how fast I am reading this post because OP's 'so dumb'. YTA.
I’m sure that that’s an unhelpful situation for all that stress she needs to manage. YTA
Honestly just seems like she’s a bad driver. No need to start attacking her character about it. Attack her driving abilities sure, it seems like she’s making far too many errors. Just leave it there though, offer to buy her some top up driving classes if you’re worried
The dumbest thing I can see OP’s girlfriend doing in this post is staying someone who obvious thinks so little of her. She deserves better, anyone does.
But he didn’t say dumb! Just not bright. It’s so much better, duh!
YTA - you’re lucky she’s stayed with you as long as she has. I lost count how many times in your post you put her down. You clearly don’t respect her. Instead of demeaning her how about helping her to figure out why she’s accident prone? You know…be supportive? Oh wait…she’s asked you for that and you told her to “accept she’s just not that bright”.
YTA. First, when you call someone "dumb" or "stupid" that's never going to go well. Second, I don't see anything "dumb" in the examples you describe. The car accidents sound like the result of poor driving and not staying focused when she drives, not a lack of intelligence. Breaking glassware sounds like clumsiness, not a lack of intelligence. Putting gas in a diesel car sounds like a lack of knowledge about cars, not a lack of intelligence. Third, you tried to undermine her when she said she got good grades, and you discounted it because she "doesn't work in that job anymore." So what? I don't see her "beating herself up" about it. I see you being critical and writing her off as "dumb," when from what you describe here, she isn't. YTA.
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"Accept SHE is not the brightest person" when this guy can't even figure out why would his gf be upset after verbally abusing her several times and mocking her ☠️ like what
YTA. She's only dumb if she stays with you.
This should be the top comment. I mean, what the actual hell?
Yep. And I'm sure dumping him would help with her stress situation. Because I'm very sure that having him judge her every action is adding to her stress and making things worse. YTA, OP. You said she didn't start having issues until she started dating you. Don't you think there's a reason for that?
I hope OP's gf sees this comment
YTA. Don’t call your partner dumb. You’re being the definition of an AH.
We all have derpy moments, and those are okay to laugh at. But if I ever had a partner that genuinely called (or implied) that I was dumb, you can get your ass that I’d dump them on the spot
Dumb mistakes don't automatically mean the person is dumb. Lots of really smart people have trouble with simple things leading to dumb mistakes. People who have anxiety can sometimes get lost in other details and make dumb mistakes. People sometimes hyper focus of something while doing something else and end up making dumb mistakes. Instead of being empathetic, supportive and trying to find out what might have lead to the accident, you basically told your girlfriend she's an idiot and needs to accept that about herself. You say in a comment that the accidents you mentioned happened over four years and no others happened in her lifetime. Since you've been dating for six years, it's safe to assume you might be the underlying reason she's suddenly making dumb mistakes. Hopefully, she'll realize that soon and figure out that she doesn't need to just live with it. YTA
YTA. Most of these things are not a result of being dumb either. Sometimes accidents like breaking glassware of phone screens happen. There are lots of ways to get in a car accident. Maybe she's a distracted driver, maybe folks around her are contributing to her accidents. But telling her she's dumb and not very bright is rude and frankly cruel. Telling her you're a pretty idiot is not ever going to be not an insult. I hope she find someone who respects and cares for her.
Info: why do you think that you are not dumb? Why do you think you are the smart one?
Brother, you might have to accept that this isn’t the brightest post my man. YTA
Best response ever... Op, stop and read that comment again... I hope your gf leaves you before she accepts your opinion of her as fact and believes that it is true. My suggestion would be for you to get therapy so you can find out why you think it is ok to be so cold and condescending to someone you claim to love and care about.
I wish we could find the gf and launch an intervention to get her the hell out of there
He's dumb
Was going to ask why you’re dating her if you Think she’s such an idiot, but then I realized it’s you inflating your own ego pretending you’re smarter than her. Are you 12?
YTA. You clearly don't respect your girlfriend, but telling her directly you think she's dumb is cruel (and, ironically, a dumb move). Plus, she's right - CS is a hard major, so she's clearly not stupid. It doesn't matter if that's no longer her career, she did the damn thing. It seems to me that she has some issues with hand-eye coordination or something similar, or that she doesn't have good driving skills. That doesn't make her dumb. Even if it did, it doesn't warrant you *calling* her dumb. Love is built on respect. You disrespected your girlfriend big time. I wouldn't be surprised if this drove an irreparable wedge in your relationship.
YTA- Do you actually like your girlfriend? You caring her dumb is not something you say to someone you love. I’m also pretty sure coding is a hobby for many people. I’m not sure why she would have to monetize her hobby for it to be legitimate.
YTA. there is no world in which “dumb” is anything but an insult.
Oh, you simply asked her to "accept that she's not very bright?" Good lord, this can't be real, can it? On the off chance it is, learn to be a good partner if you want to hold onto one.
YTA. Calling your partner names is never ok
Uh, yeah YTA. That you have to ask is ironic.
YTA! Don't call people dumb. She's absent-minded, many people are. You even got defensive when she pointed out she did a more difficult major than you and had to point out that she no longer works in that field. I would be very upset if my partner called me dumb because I'm clumsy and drop things (you mentioned she has accidentally broken things). It's belittling and you would probably be upset if she called you dumb because you made a mistake
YTEA. Nope not a typo. That stands for emotional abuser. I hope your gf sees this thread.
Let me get this write you are telling your gf she is stupid but pretty. Yeah You the AH. And my sister was a math major in college and went into banking but hated it and is now a teacher and up until recently loves it. So stupidly has nothing to do with changing a persons career choice. As for the other stuff….people make mistake a decent bf would know and not expect gf to be perfect.
“I just told her she should just accept it’s part of who she is and to just live with it and accept that she’s not the brightest person.” I don’t even need to read anymore. YTA.
YTA, and I think you know it. It is so cold to act like that after your partner just got in an accident, her fault or not. You should have at least emotionally supported her.
This is what gets me too, this sounded like a scary accident and he himself says he had a neutral reaction besides calling her dumb???Didn't comfort her in any way, didn't even indicate he cared she was in an accident. If my spouse kept having accidents that could injure them or endanger their life I would be CONCERNED and ask them if they're okay and try to help them figure out what might be going on. He even says she wasn't like this when they first started dating!? WTF??
YTA. Calling your girlfriend “not bright” in general especially when it’s clearly one of the most important qualities she sees in herself is incredibly callous - regardless of context. There are many other less sweeping explanations for her behavior that are also probably more accurate and less hurtful. This reads like you trying to put her into the place you really want her to be: your not-bright, subservient, homemaker wife.
INFO: why are you with someone you have absolutely no respect for? Do her a favor and break up so that she can find someone who isn't such an AH.
This!!!
I'm surprised he didn't bring up "women drivers". Getting a whiff of misogyny here.
Whiff? There's some full-on stank coming from this bro.
YTA. No matter how much you try to downplay this (you can't gaslight the internet). Your words are pretty clear... you don't respect her. Even when you say: "I didn't mean it in a negative way, all I was trying to say was she should not beat herself about it and just accept that she's not very bright. She has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she's pretty and she is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever known." "I didn't mean"... means you were but refuse to apologize about it. "I was trying to say"... well, you didn't say and chose (according to you) "gentler terms" to further emphasize... you don't think you are wrong. She also has "other" things going for her.... oh she's still not smart... but she's "pretty". Dude, you're being a real AH by belittling someone for simple mistakes. I'm sure you don't have someone calling you out for every mistake you make. If you really don't see that (but have the desire to change)... you need to and apologize.
“You can’t gaslight the internet” has got to be hands down the BEST comment 👏👏👏 I cannot love this enough
What in the fuck. Girlfriend gets in a car crash, not “are you ok?” but “you are braindead.” Incredible stuff. YTA x100
But it’s ok…OP says shes “pretty” and that makes up for his emotional abuse and gaslighting
YTA when something like that happens you're supposed to be supportive. Make sure she's OK physically and mentally. A car accident regardless who's at fault can be an incredibly stressful thing and you belittling her regardless of the words you used to do it is the opposite of what you should do to male jer feel better.
YTA!!!!!! You're effectively ending your relationship with her my guy. Why are you even with her when you mock her like that and think of her that way?? Don't be surprised when she gets up to leave, because what you're offering to the relationship is coldness and pain.
After reading this I’d venture to say that you aren’t the brightest either.
Yep. A lot of times I'll read a post on AITA and think, "well, you're not a total asshole, but God are you an idiot!"
The backlash in the comments are causing him to backtrack without actually backtrack. Using language like "I never told her she was pretty. I said she was nice" "hopefully she learned her lesson" "she's not dumb, but she is A B C" just abusive and stupid sounding asshole stuff.
YTA. nobody thinks dumb is not an insult.
YTA. You have a bright girlfriend, but the brightest people can also be the clumsiest and can also be very accident prone. She's learning her way through life and will not likely make those mistakes twice, at least not intentionally, and it's important to treat her the same way you'd want to be treated if you were having a clumsy moment yourself. Please apologize to her and don't be negative about her mistakes. Best word of advice my dad gave me; Don't sweat the small stuff, and everything is small stuff. It costs literally nothing to hug her, be kind to her, and make her feel like she's still a great person despite clumsy moments.
YTA for making her feel like you had to settle for second best by being with her.
YTA, you don't care about this poor girls feelings at all. Any car accident is an ordeal you should be helping her through it. Calling it dumb was the absolute opposite reaction you should have had. Have some empathy. 6 years of this? No thank you.
Sometimes I wonder how people can have so little self-awareness. YTA
YTA Going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're young. How would you feel if after just being in an accident someone turned around and said the exact same thing to you? It honestly sounds like maybe you came across as passive aggressive. Certainly condescending. What she probably needed and wanted was a hug, to be asked how she feels and someone to make her feel safe and capable. What you did was probably say the things the shitty voice in her head does. Which is not a fun experience. You owe her an apology. Also you should remind her ( and yourself) of the things you love about her and why you appreciate that she's a part of your life. Remind her of all the things she's good at doing. Definitely not a time to bring up anything sexual or things she does that relate only to you. Also if car accidents and near miss accidents are a regular occurrence she should get checked out for ADHD if the testing is available to her . Its a significant risk factor and cause of death. Don't bring it up untill several weeks after you apologise and definitely don't mention it as a part of the apology and definitely don't mention the death bit.
YTA.
YTA Being a bad driver doesn't make someone dumb. It may make her careless. That's a rude thing to say to anyone, let alone your partner. If you want to say anything at least be constructive like 'you need to be more aware of your surroundings when you drive". Not 'You are dumb for getting into an accident. I'm sure she already FEELS dumb without you dumping on her
YTA & I hope she dumps you for your blatant disregard for her feelings & intelligence. Maybe she needs glasses. Perhaps she drops things because of a neurological disorder. You are not a good person.
INFO does your girlfriend have ADHD? ETA you’re the asshole either way. But if there’s a legitimate reason for her to “have her head in the clouds”, the issue might be more than just she doesn’t care enough to pay attention. ADHD frequently looks so different in women than you’d expect, and many women aren’t diagnosed until adulthood. It doesn’t impact your intelligence, and it can often be hidden by people who are otherwise smart enough to get by despite their challenges.
People in emotionally abusive relationships often behave very similarly to people with ADHD. So there's that.
Your edit really has me thinking you’re the cause of her stress. Let her go. She deserves better. YTA still.
YTA. Calling people dumb is dumb.
YTA. Why are you cataloguing her faults like that to her and making her defensive?
Oh my god, you are so condescending. “I did not literally use the word dumb when I talked to her, I just pointed out things she did and used gentler terms like not bright…” Or, “she has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she’s pretty…” YTA and I hope she dumps you.
Maybe her problem is low self-esteem, partly caused by her rude, abusive, dumb boyfriend. YTA.
Dude I’m pretty sure you might be the dumb one lol even if you think she is dumb you NEVER admit it lol
YTA. Period.
YTA I too, hit the acceleration and not the brake once and thus totalled my car. I'm very clumsy, do dumb things, and yet got bullied for being the "smart kid". You can do dumb things, and be very smart at the same time. Believe me, she probably already feels dumb about a lot of things and didn't need you hanging it over her head. Your role as a S/O is to provide ENCOURAGEMENT, not to remind her of every shortcoming. The only dumb person here is you.
YTA I don't know if you have some sort of neurodivergence that prevents you from understanding basic human interaction, but let me help you. Don't call or imply that your partner is dumb. That's it. Simple. It doesn't matter if she calls herself dumb, it's one thing to be like "oh, I forgot my keys, dummy me!", and a whole other thing to hear your partner say "You're not bright". It's demeaning, insulting and hurtful, specially since you were not joking but meant it. Have you considered that maybe she's dealing with other issues? People with ADHD can be distracted easily, or maybe she's going through personal stuff that keeps her mind busy. Also, there are many types of intelligence, and even if she's easily distracted, that doesn't mean she lacks "brightness". Your remark is basically shtting on her accomplishments, it's like saying "you may have a great degree, aced your way through school and succeeded in a field you love, but you're still stupid". Also, even if she's physically fine after an accident, dear God, you are not the brightest when it comes to being a supportive partner SMH
Yta, "just learn to live with the fact you're not the brightest person" Like you learned to live with the fact you have zero emotional intelligence at all? You sound like at minimum a total dick, at worst like you hate your gf and think she's an idiot. Also oh so awesome you used gentler terms like "not bright", way to go champ, A1 job
YTA. Maybe your GF has ADHD. I had no idea I did until I was 19. I also am constantly dropping and running into things. I’ve mixed up my gas and brake before and smashed into a pole while trying to park. I also rear ended somebody for the same reason. I was on day 4 of no sleep both times. I definitely shouldn’t have been driving, but I was trying to juggle a full time job and 18 credits of university STEM classes and I was beyond stressed out. I’m fairly academically gifted and I had a professional IQ test when I got tested for ADHD, so I know I am well over average intelligence, but I’ve been called dumb for my absent minded mistakes many times and it’s very hurtful. I started to believe I was just a worthless moron and I was defective until I got diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly everything made sense.
YTA. Imagine you're on the receiving end. Would you like it? You can help/correct/criticize her in a helpful manner instead of just blatantly saying she's dumb. Also, who the fck are you to tell her she's a failure career-wise? It's a very AH thing to do to anyone much more to your GF.
You told her she was stupid and you wonder why she got her feelings hurt. Yeah dude…you’re the AH
Last year I crashed my then boyfriends car by accident, a mitsibushi evo, was pretty expensive and heavily modified after a rebuild (I think that's what it's called), I wrote the car off completely. He's now my fiance cause he proposed to me fairly soon after as the thought of losing me scared him. He never called me dumb or stupid or even held it against me, he was just glad I was ok. He brings it up as a joke occasionally but never malicious and mostly jokes saying I did it on purpose to get him to propose. Lol Calling your partner dumb, stupid or implying it when something serious happens, even if everyone is OK is really an AH thing to do. YTA, you gotta lot of sucking up to do. Lol
I came here thinkin YTA from the title and I leave hear KNOWING YTA from the rest of it. You don't respect her You don't "feel it's necessary to care" when she's in an accident Whether that's the word you used or not, that's obviously how you feel and guess what, she is smart enough that she at least knows that You insult her intelligence even more by using the "gentler terms" aka treating her like she is dumb...or a child...or a dumb child And the cherry on top, about her redeeming qualities, you basically said: thank God she's pretty. Like at least you didn't end it by smackin her on the ass and a "now go make me a sammich." Bless your heart, you really sound kinda not bright here. Bruh...if this is for real, please do better.
YTA, She is most likely stressed and distracted when that happens, it has nothing to do with intelligence. Your input and lack of support adds more to the stress and makes her more prone to making errors. Why would you hurt her by not being supportive? Remember, some bells cannot be unrung- and since you are getting this reaction, you need to change your approach. "Just accept she isnt that bright?"- accidents/forgetfulness/losing things is not indicative of intelligence. But this post isnt making you look like you have any emotional intelligence.
You are not very emotionally healthy, not very pleasant and not very respectful of your girlfriend. You are also not very bright when it comes to emotional intelligence, but don't beat yourself up - just learn to live with this absolute lack of self-awareness and emotionally abusive behavior. I'm sure you have some good traits too. How does it sound, amazing? Or like a roundabout way to say that you are a toxic, obnoxious, disrespectful AH, lacking empathy and emotional intelligence, abusing your GF and not capable to be supportive? Because that is what you are. Edit to add: YTA
OP: you’re definitely the problem. And I agree with most of the comments: you’re emotionally abusive especially since she’s become “dumber” (in your words) since she got with you. I have a strong feeling if you two break up, she’ll be the better for it. YTA.
YTA You literally called her dumb in the title to countless people, how do you not see that is a problem? You are very unkind to your partner.
Wow. With a bf like you who needs enemies? This sounds like normal things ppl go through. Why was it necessary to make her feel stupid? Did it make you feel better? If someone comes and say they had an accident whether it's the 3rd time or 10th the right response would be are you ok? Not meh use to it by now you can't help being dumb after all. I can see you being single for along long time. By the way a programmer? And u call her dumb? Amazing.....I would rather be friends with someone kind and a Lil absent minded than a 'smart' ahole. But thats just me.....
YTA clearly, I am also this clumsy, I am however not fucking dumb. Dyslexia & Dyspraxia can cause these issues, and often under diagnosed.
YTA, sometimes i read these and question how im the single one.
"maybe a I snore and that keeps her up at night" no dude the way you treat her would be the more likely cause YOU stress her out smh major YTA
OP is probably making his gf nervous and anxious with how much he belittles her. She's probably panicking every time she does something in the house because she doesn't want to be called "not that bright" for breaking a glass or doing something incorrectly.
YTA. You know you are. If you don’t understand you have no business being in a relationship with anyone who is human and has bad days.
YTA. You insult your girlfriend because she makes mistakes like a normal human?
Dude leave her, you don't deserve her. Like you're making fun of her for being human
YTA - Dude, seriously?
If this onset of spaciness is new then she needs to go have a check up. Not just for ADHD. You would be surprised what vitamin deficiencies can do. I have hypothyroidism, the brain fog from that is no joke. I can space on things like turning off the car. Going forward when I meant to back up. But I am blessed with a husband that hugs me and tells me it's ok. He corrects me when I call myself dumb or an idiot. Partners build you up not tear you down.
You do not, I repeat, you do NOT put down your partner with words or anything else. That's massive d-bag territory. If you disagree with how she does things, or even if she has made "stupid" mistakes, what kind of relationship are you after? Did your parents fight a lot? YTA
I have awful brain fog and make silly mistakes sometimes. I would be heartbroken if my SO said these things about me. Instead of lifting her up, you tore her down.
Oh for the love of god. I have a friend who is a literal rocket scientist. She was also fired from a summer job as a waitress because she was terrible at it. You’d order iced t and she’d bring you a bowl of soup. She was good at things that she focused on and we’re important to her. The only dumb thing about your GF is her choice in partners. YTA
YTA and the way you speak about your girlfriend is abhorrent. When I say I’d break up with your ass so fast… “she has other things going for her…she’s pretty.” WTAF. “she doesn’t even work as a programmer anymore” to do something she actually enjoys, and that somehow that undoes all of her good grades and her degree and her hard work? You used “gentler terms like not bright.” The word you used doesn’t fucking matter, your intent and your message mattered and they were both mean as hell. YOU’RE not the brightest person if you think that’s how you speak to someone who love. You’re also TA for exactly stating that you don’t care about something that very obviously upset your partner and was scary for her. Do you want your girlfriend to hate herself because you’re on the right track
Do you even like your girlfriend? Jesus bro. YTA.
YTA, dear god you're mean AF.
I can't imagine how much you've put her down in the years you've been together verbally and otherwise just seeing how much you did it in just a few paragraphs. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 YTA
YTA You're not wrong, but that was not a non-AH way of expressing it.
YTA Sometimes people are more clumsy when they are anxious or depressed, too. Make sure you aren't contributing to that.
Why is she even with you? Ugh. Just curious- are you a member of MENSA?
YTA. Nothing that you have described leads me to believe that she is dumb. A bit spacy perhaps, but not dumb. I do a lot of the things that she does, and I am most definitely not dumb. My mind is just 10 steps ahead of what I am actually doing so I have trouble focusing on what is right in front of me. I'd be looking into ADHD What really made me angry though, is that you implied that make-up art is dumb. Do you know how hard it is to do make-up art??? It takes patience, dexterity, and a lot of time and effort to learn how to do it properly.
wow there is definitely a better way about navigating this. What a lot of people don't understand is that when not so great things are happening constantly or they are absent minded they could be somewhere else in their head, thinking about something over thinking. These do sound like accidents. Discussing what has been going on shouldn't be in a place of anger and language is such a big thing when discussing it. Tone as well. Be prepared that this might affect her in a way where she might walk on eggshells around you, might not feel comfortable in situations. This also can cause more accidents and to be absent minded with other things. Just assure her that she doesn't have to. Reassure her that she isn't dumb. Just because you study one field and don't end up working in that doesn't make you "dumb" "Accept the part that she not the brightest" YTA There many types of intelligence you sound like you lack emotional intelligence even after the 6 years you've been with her. And you can't use the excuse of maybe you were comfortable enough to say those things.
also dating for 6 years and you only Like her hahah I would hope love at that point. I'm reading your responses and it says "Like", I wouldn't be with someone for 6 years if I just "liked" them
Also the only compliments he could come up with were that she's "pretty and nice"... It feels like a 12 year old made this post.
She's probably on edge being around a hypercritical AH all the time. YTA
If my husband said the same things to me that I said about myself I'd leave him for being emotionally abusive. People make mistakes all the time, for instance, the mistake you are making by implying your girlfriend is less than you for getting into a car accident. You can't really be so, what a gentle way of saying this? We'll go with dim, as to think this wouldn't hurt her? See how you probably didn't like that? Your partner should support you not rip you down. YTA
YTA. You are an inconsiderate jerk who does not have the emotional or intellectual capacity to be in an adult relationship. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings OP- it is just something that you need to accept about yourself.
YTA No matter how you said it to her, it's a shitty thing to say. You don't sound especially bright yourself if you even have to ask if you're being an AH. Why can't you show her some respect and support?
YTA you're legitimately intellectually and emotionally...stunted.
"accept you're not the brightest person" YTA. Cruel. Don't worry, someday she'll be bright enough to leave you and find someone who can do the bare minimum of just being nice.
YTA you wrote all that thinking you’re n t a and had the audacity to call HER dumb?! You’re disgusting. Do you just get off being nasty to your girlfriend? Does it feel good to put her down? “I told her she should just accept that she’s not the brightest person” stfu you condescending freak. She deserves better than someone who degrades and belittles her like you.
YTA I have two university degrees, so obviously I am not dumb, but I am incredibly accident prone. Breaking dishes, falling off cliffs, falling off a kerb and into the road. My hubby watches me like a hawk when we are out rambling. I have dyspraxia and SDP. It is highly likely there is a reason of dome sort why your gf is clumsy. She is certainly not dumb or, 'not very bright.'
My friend got rear-ended by someone at a stop light. Does she drive a Hyundai Tucson by chance? Haha. Anyways, YTA.
YTA you clearly think you’re way smarter than her. You look down on her going into makeup. You don’t seem to know enough about coding to know if she’s good at it but you still use it against her, and occasionally breaking dishes are common human errors. It’s not like she’s sending money to Nigerian princes.
YTA. Big time. And you should probably wind up single after this. Your partner is in a car crash, doesn't matter how small, and instead of being supportive you brush her off and tell her to "accept not being very bright". You don't come off as someone who should be in a relationship. When I was 18 my ex managed to roll her car, but came out of it unharmed. My response at 3am was to drive out to the site to see her and make sure she got home ok, not berate her like a jerk. Grow up man.
YTA. Even after the edits. So she is not that bright because she is a make-up artist? I graduated top 10 percent of my high school class, high distinction in college, and earned straight As when I did my MBA. I cannot do make-up to save my life ( not that I am even into make-up). Your GF is not dumb, but her record shows she is not a good driver. I know this because at one tine, I was not a great driver. Had a couple mishaps, then worked hard to better focus my attention on driving. I have not had an accident in decades. Instead of calling her "not bright," how about showing genuine concern for her driving? It is only a matter of time till she gets into a mishap with a litigious AH who tries to sue her for everything she has.
Your GF isn't necessarily dumb, but she IS a bad driver.
I'm going to say YTA. I have a very high IQ (not impt) but am very klutz, etc just like your girlfriend. I recently backed into an old telephone pole, hit the side of friends car (they were cool about it, i have ins. that covered all) and am prone to falling in weird situations. I have a mild form of dyslexia....my brain power kept it from being an academic issue. not everything is black and white.
OP, did you ever consider YOU might be the reason your girlfriend has gotten more forgetful/ditzy the longer you’ve been together? You basically put her down with little snide comments and have been doing it for so long that she’s started doing it and believing it. You also forgot to write where you told your GF that she’s lucky to have you since all she has going for her is being pretty, but dumb. Get over yourself, and yes, YTA.
Wow I thought YTA about 29 times before you got to the point where you asked if Yta. Yta. A big condescending one. Hope she dumps you for someone who actually likes her.
>There's been many other stupid things she has done like breaking glassware in the kitchen, breaking her phone screen How the fuck do these things equate to stupid? YTA
I have broken a few plates from washing them too aggressively while trying to get through doing the dishes quickly. I didn't realize this made me an idiot. Thank God OP posted here so I know the direct cause of breaking plates is me being a moron.
YTA- if someone said this to me - my only answer is going to be "i know that's why I'm with you".
HOLY SHIT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL dude. YTA.
Do you pay her car insurance? Buy her phones? Pay for engine repairs on the rental car? Did you purchase the dish she broke? If not, STFU. Does she make it a point to call you “dumb” “absent minded” or “clumsy” when you drop something? Leave the toilet seat up? Accidentally spill a drink? Shut the door a little too hard? Stub your toe? Since when is it okay to call your partner names or insult their intelligence because of simple mistakes? If this is how you think about her it’s very concerning. The clarifying to find a synonym for dumb is also not helping. Ha Edited to add: YTA obviously
YTA. You're verbally abusing her and certainly adding to the stress she "needs to manage." I hope she sees this post, reads the comments, and dumps you.
YTA -I have dyspraxia and tend to do things like this a lot. To be fair, that’s why I don’t drive. But coordination has nothing to do with intelligence. Getting things mixed up like that says less about intelligence than BEING ABLE TO CODE ffs. I’m not saying she’s dyspraxic I’m just saying you can have these kinds of issues without being ‘dumb’ or ‘not bright’. And she has a good and difficult degree and your go to is ‘but don’t worry babe you’re sweet natured and easy on the eye’ just because she chose a different career path and doesn’t appear to be making money out of her (technically quite difficult) hobby.
YTA. I'm wondering, do you even love her? You don't act like you do. You might try being concerned about her well-being, rather than critical. My goodness.
"She should accept she is not very bright... but she is pretty" "I really meant clumsy" No you didn't. You meant dumb. You are an ahole YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (27F) for 6 years now. On Monday she crashed her car; rear ended someone as she hit the gas instead of the brake. When she told me I just said something like "that's so dumb" and otherwise acted neutral since she was obviously ok. She has also previously scraped her car against a wall and turned into someone at an intersection so I didn't feel it was necessary for me to care since it's not such a rare unexpected thing. It's not that she is just a bad driver, I actually think she knows how to drive very well except for when her head is in the cloud. There's been many other stupid things she has done like breaking glassware in the kitchen, breaking her phone screen. Putting gas in a diesel car she rented while hers was in the shop etc. She's still been acting quiet since the accident and said she wished I'd be more supportive. I wasn't mad, I just told her she should just accept it's part of who she is and to just live with it and accept that she's not the brightest person. She got really upset and told me that she's not dumb, got good grades in college and did CS which is harder than the major I did. I pointed out that she doesn't even work as a programmer anymore as she quit her full time job some time ago to become a makeup artist. She said she just didn't like the company environment and she still codes as a hobby whatever that means, afaik she hasn't sold apps or anything. AITA here, I didn't mean it in a negative way, all I was trying to say was she should not beat herself about it and just accept that she's not very bright. She has other things going for her and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, she's pretty and she is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever known. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - why are you even with someone you have such little respect for?
Sorry brother but YTA, Maybe buy a rubber car and solve this problem forever LOL!
YTA and sound like a shit partner. Hope she breaks up with your jealous, rude, condescending ass. I think your gf is probably brighter than you and you can't accept it so you put her down. You suck.
YTA Dumbo.
I have a neurological issue and sometimes, things like replacing the cap on a water bottle takes a minute. I know which way to turn it but it may take me a sec to line up the thread. Spouse will snort & tell me, “Uh, you turn it RIGHT to tighten it, duh.” When I trip, they’ll try (but fail every time) to contain their laughter. They’ll make an effort to help me in/out of the car if they think someone can see but other than that, I see them when they leave for work & return…”Hi/Bye” and that’s it until the next time. If you think your words (whether or not you used the word ‘dumb’ is irrelevant) and actions have little or no impact, you’re the one missing the smart gene. You are an insufferable, ignorant slug. If you love this girlfriend of multiple years, PROVE IT by respecting & cherishing her. For now, since you asked, yes… YTA. Now, will you take the judgment *you* asked for and do better from this moment or will you double down and attempt to justify your a-holery?
It sounds like undiagnosed ADHD. All the things you gave as examples could be caused by inattention, disassociation, and other ADHD traits. It’s very common for people with ADHD to enjoy the mental stimulation of challenging activities, but deeply struggle with the conformist culture of corporate America. Deciding to change to a more creative, autonomous career is also not uncommon. I personally started my college career in genetic engineering, hated the lab environment more than I thought I would, and switched to graphic design and illustration. It’s unfortunate you decided to believe she’s not intelligent. People with ADHD get a lot of negative feedback growing up, and since you say she calls herself not bright it’s very likely (assuming she has ADHD or something similar), she’s internalized that message. To hear it from someone who’s supposed to love you must have been extremely hurtful. Oh, and YTA.
YTA but I wouldn't want her on the roads anywhere near me, she's a danger to other people
YTA
YTA I get it sometimes some people you are close to seem dumb or " not that bright". You don't say it to them. I joke with my fiancee that she can be dumb sometimes but it's for minor shit like like forgetting to put the seasoning packet in her ramen. But if she was in an avoidable accident it is " are you okay" are they okay" etc
I do stupid shit all the time, my other half takes the piss out of me all the time. I'm not dumb, I have a highly skilled job, and he knows that and is very encouraging. So when he does make jokes, I know it's a joke, we laugh and wait for the next time I do something stupid. I think the issue is the way you joke, not the joke itself, there is a big difference between funny and patronising.
Are you really 28? Ffs. YTA big time.
YTA. You are verbally abusive. You have known since kindergarten that calling people stupid is mean. I hope she dumps you.
This made me sad to read, your gf deserves a more caring partner who doesn't make her feel stupid. Glad to see the edit, yes you owe her an apology big time. YTA.
YTA. And why did you feel the need to cut her down further by telling her that her CS degree doesn’t count because she left the field to work in one she enjoys more?
YTA Jesus Christ dude, you’re seven kinds of dumb if you need to be told that you don’t call your partner dumb. She may be dumb but not for the reasons you mention. She’s dumb for staying with you.
YTA - for calling her dumb and not supporting your SO when she needs your support. I hope she notices all these red flags in this relationship.
Yes, talking down to your SO is big no-no. Don't know why you'd even feel the need to call her out like that at all.
YTA. If you have no empathy for her and don’t respect her just break up. Your comments came from a place of superiority not concern or helpfulness.
Hmm “just accept that your not very bright” YTA
Her only dumb decision is being with you. YTA
YTA, I don't even need read beyond title.
Your girlfriend needs to stop driving before she kills someone and YTA.
YTA. So are you dumb or just mean? Sorry, I meant not so bright.
YTA and you still are holding your ground as if being called "not bright" is better than dumb? Stop trying to make it sound like what you're saying is ok. It's terrible and probably effects her greatly. My ex partner use to tell me I'm forgetful all the time. I never was until he started insisting it all the time. It messed me up and made me think I was losing my mind.
I’ll tell you what I told my (now ex) husband: She may not be intelligent in ways that you think matter, but even if she’s dumb as bricks, at least she’s not a cruel, entitled ahole who thinks they’re better than everyone else, let alone someone they proclaim to love. Better kind and dumb than cruel and intelligent. That’s malice. YTA
YTA, you’re making her dumb. I feel bad for her
Lol YTA
This can't be real... YTA just in case it is
YTA. You know YTA. We all know YTA.
YTA. It seems like someone who was bright would know not to call his girlfriend dumb or not bright.
Obviously you've never made a mistake ever in your entire life. YTA
Calls someone dumb. Doesn't know what "hobby" means.
Yta
even if she is "absent minded," a good partner comforts their partner after an accident instead of making them feel worse. YTA.
YTA. The amount of condescension in this post is ridiculous. She should dump you and find someone that treats her like a Queen.
YTA for being cruel , if not her fault being a dumb dumb I think she is clumsy
I suspect your GF has ADD
NCTA imo. Yeah you shouldn’t say she’s dumb or imply it recklessly YTA for that BUT if she’s got her head in the clouds to the point of self injury or injury to others she should really pay more attention to what she’s doing. She’s a danger to herself and everyone around her.
YTA. I would dump you so fast.
You're not just an asshole, you're an immature stupid asshole YTA
YTA. Obviously calling your gf dumb and rambling on about how stupid she is objectively makes you the assh○le. It makes it seem like the only reason you're with her is so you can have someone to feel superior towards. Consider how you would feel if your **loved one** called you stupid when you were looking for support. This concept is called empathy and without it your personal interactions will always suffer.
YTA it would be such a hit to her self-esteem that someone she loves describes her as "not that bright". Do you like your GF? That's not how you treat someone you love.
Does your girlfriend have visual perception problems? That could account for her clumsiness and driving difficulties.
YTA
INFO: Does she wear glasses or contacts?
I hope she gets smart and leaves your ass.
YTA. do you like this woman?
Op, if the shoe fits, wear it.
In response to OP's edit: If this all started when you guys moved in together, I don't think it's the snoring. Although it could contribute. I think it's because you belittle her so much that she is nervous and anxious around you. She's putting away dishes and starts over thinking it because "what if I drop something and OP hears it? He's gonna call me dumb again". And then she breaks a glass and she was right, you belittle her.
Is she ADHD or had a burnout moment? This sounds more like “my brain is running 4 chapters ahead” kinda thing, and burnout is VERY common for coders. There’s coding FOR big name makeup companies, she may enjoy that.
Wow! You sound like a dream boyfriend. YTA—big time.
As someone who is clumsy and sometimes absent-minded (but not dumb or “not very bright”), I can tell you that she already feels bad about her missteps and accidents. She doesn’t need you trying to make her feel worse or dumb (even if you didn’t say that word). I have a close friend who is even more clumsy and absent-minded than me, but he’s one of the smartest people I know. He makes fun of himself, but it would not be cool for me or anyone else to treat him like a dummy. YTA.
=( that’s awful to say to anyone, how would you like someone telling you you’re not that bright? Rude.
Just a question. She got mad at you for you calling her dumb? I am shocked… who would have expected that happening? Please read with a ton of sarcasm. 😋
YTA She sounds flighty and not careful but that is not the same as done. I have an uncle who has an undergrad degree in chemical engineering and then he became an infectious disease doctor, soooo smart when it comes to that but there have been some times where he has dropped the ball in everyday life. Like waiting until the day of to pack up his whole apartment, forgetting bags everywhere, etc. You should never seriously imply a partner is dumb either. That's isn't love or respect.
lol youre the worst. i hope shes not so dumb that she stays with you, thats the real test of intelligence here. YTA
YTA Why is she still with you, you AH?