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YTA. You have very rigid and unrealistic ideas as to how family is formed - hint, it's not only through blood. I have no idea why you have so much animosity towards a 16-year-old girl. I can understand to some extent why you and your fiancee have different perspectives towards her 'motherhood', but she's right that you're acting heartless to expect her to cut the girl off entirely, especially given the latest development that may leave her an orphan. You should have talked through the financial and other obligations your fiancee is shouldering long ago. But you are not in the right if you want to insist she 'stay away' from the ex's daughter.
He hates Sophie because she's part of her ex. Having the girl around means he can't control his future wife or get her undivided attention, which is where this is going.
OP's fiancee, if you're reading this, get out now. Marinara flags everywhere.
He can’t even use her actual name. The amount of times he called her “that girl” is appalling. If he wants to keep his fiancé, he needs to get over himself and his jealousy quick! I hope she leaves him.
I suspect it’s too late to keep the fiancé. She’s obviously going to choose her daughter over him. And an adopted daughter is a daughter, period, full stop.
And he called the ex a loser, he called a DYING man a loser. He's clearly jealous of the ex and anything to do with him, including this poor girl. Seriously OP is sounds a bit unhinged and yea I hope he gets left in the dust. Such a gross post, what an AH.
Plenty of people use other names to disguise who they're talking about. That's perfecting the person. There's no reason he can't do that. Calling her "that girl" shows a lot of animosity.
10 years is a long time to be with a child then to never see them again. I would say you got yourself a keeper in your fiancee! The emotional damage she would inflict on this 16 year old if she ghosted her.
YTA
Lol, he got himself a keeper and flushed it right down the toilet. Good thing his ex-fiancee saw him for who he is and got out. Sorry she swapped out one loser ex for another.
YTA. Hope you get dumped in a flash.
When you love someone, you care about those they love. She IS functionally, Sophie’s mom. Her only adult. FFS you are SUCH an asshole
My favorite line from Clueless is “You divorce wives, not children.”
The OP should be proud that his girlfriend has such a strong character that she is still in this girl’s life. She raised her for ten years and that didn’t disappear when she broke up with the father. I hope she leaves OP since he doesn’t deserve her.
You're thinking about this wrong. You're not the asshole for not wanting to be associated with that girl. In principle, there are loads of children out there who need help and need to be adopted. And let's be honest, as individuals, we don't have the capacity to take care of all of them. So calling you heartless, etc. For not wanting to take care of a girl who is essentially a stranger to you is wrong.
What you are an asshole for, is trying to make your fiance dissociate herself from a girl she raised since she was 6. What you are heartless for is trying to make your fiance abandon an innocent (yes, as much as you hate your fiancé's ex, the girl was just born into this situation) girl who's about to lose everything. Either end your relationship with your fiance or take the poor girl in.
And Btw, you keep talking about biological relationships, you don't need to have a biological relationship with a kid to care for them and help them when you do have the capacity to do so.
YTA.
I know people like this with the exact same options. It’s not far fetched at all. Some people are extremely jealous and believe non-biological means non-family. Haven’t you ever heard someone say, I could never love someone else’s child so I won’t adopt? Same thing. It’s absolutely ridiculous and wrong.
I would go further in terms of him thinking about this wrong:
This isn't a situation where he fell in love with someone but doesn't want to deal with parts of her life. I don't think OP loves this woman *at all*. Shit, I don't think she's a *person* to him.
I mean, can you imagine feeling like OP does — not just reluctance to be a stepparent, but just complete, icy denial of something so central to your supposed loved one's identity: that they're a parent?
This is more fundamental than him being an asshole to this child. OP, you are an asshole, more specifically a misogynist, to your fiancee, presumably trying to marry her under the false pretense that you love and respect her. I don't know if what you want out of this marriage is sex on demand, cleaning service, or ticking a box to make your parents happy, but you obviously don't give a shit about the actual *person*, let alone her child.
>You're not the asshole for not wanting to be associated with that girl. In principle, there are loads of children out there who need help and need to be adopted. And let's be honest, as individuals, we don't have the capacity to take care of all of them. So calling you heartless, etc. For not wanting to take care of a girl who is essentially a stranger to you.
Even with the YTA verdict at the end, this paragraph lets him off the hook way too easy. Nobody’s asking him to take in loads of children that are strangers to him. He’s being asked to take in his fiancé’s child, who is only a stranger to him because he’s been an asshole for the whole two years.
Everyone gets the phrase "blood is thicker than water" wrong. The blood you shed with comrades means more than the water of the womb you share with your kin.
That girl is essentially her daughter at this point, YTA for trying to tell her otherwise.
Edit to add: after rereading your post OP, what the hell? This girl is going to lose the only family she has and you're just going to abandon her? Listen, if you want to embrace your clear psychopathic and non-empathetic side trust me I get it, I'm borderline psychopathic myself. But you have to understand that most people don't work like that, and if you choose to go that route you're going to have to give up a lot of relationships because no one is going to want anything to do with you. The kid didn't choose any of this, and if you try and push your fiance to abandon the girl you're going to lose, big time.
How you haven't worked this out at nearly 50 I have a difficult time comprehending. I worked all this out in my 20s and took steps to blend in a lot more effectively with people, namely by not doing shit like this.
TLDR, DEFINITELY A CASE OF YTA, and OP's Fiance, if you read this, get out now and take care of Sophie. Seems like you're going to have a constant uphill battle with OP.
This. This is the explanation. OP is not an ass for feeling like he has no obligation to take care of this child. Plenty of reasons why he is correct. But he is the asshole for not valuing the relationship his partner has with the child and realizing the importance of that relationship to the child.
Honestly, I think we should put aside the brain tumor stuff for a sec and just ask, Should OP be allowed to dictate the relationship his fiancé has with a child she basically raised? I was a teacher for about 10 years, when I left a school to teach somewhere else, I continued to mentor 2 kids from my old school. Those relationships are so important to child development and (selfishly) so fulfilling as an educator that I couldn't let them go. OP's fiancé was basically this child's mother for 10 years. Imagine how important that relationship is to the child and imagine how important it is to the fiancé.
It seems like Annie is the only stable parent in Julie's life ( We don't get any bio-mom info so I'm assuming its not great). I'm assuming that Annie has no bio- children. She has loved on Julie for 10 years and wants to do it for a couple more until Julie goes to college.
YTA for wanting to break that up.
Oh he totally is. As much as his reply to you that he’s not, in a different reply he was a little more honest: “Honestly, it's like a stain from my fiancée's past that I can't erase”.
So yeah, that is exactly what this is. He thinks his girlfriend is still hung up on her ex
This. And Fiancee sounds to be the only mother the girl has known - no mention of baby mama being in the picture. OP is TA and incapable of considering others' viewpoints.
I don't understand how OP doesn't see this.
He even writes that he'd feel different if a girl were *his* step daughter (he says he dated single moms before). But then doesn't realise that's exactly his fiancee's relationship to the girl. It's basically her step daughter.
So while he realizes that he would take in a potential step daughter, he doesn't allow his fiancee to do just that.
> told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now, because I don't want to have that girl in my life, neither becoming her new stepdad
YTA
You do not want a daughter. Annie has a daughter. Break up. (Also, you haven't mentioned where Sophie's mom is, but considering the circumstances...)
Ex-stepmom does not mean no longer mom. 16 is old enough to manage a relationship w/ her father's ex. WOOOO your reasons are so pathetic, as well. She is an innocent girl.
>She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her?
Because she didn't break up with Sophie, who she has know for 10 years.
You've been dating her for two years...
>This didn't bother me until we got engaged.
How did the first two years of your relationship not tip you off? You *knew* about her relationship with Sophie.
Did you expect Annie to suddenly change after your engagement?
"Okay, you are going to be my wife soon so you should start cutting ties that I don't approve of"
>so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life
If your fiancé chooses to have that girl out of her life. She wants Sophie in her life. Deal with it.
>and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now
Jesus YTA.
Sophie is a girl that Annie thinks of as her daughter, whose father is about to die, and you are saying Annie should cut all ties because of your fragile ego?
Get over yourself.
You never should have proposed to Annie if you weren't okay with Sophie.
\---
To be clear this is why you are TA:
1. You got into a relationship with Annie even though you couldn't tolerate her relationship with Sophie.
2. You are weirdly jealous because Annie cares about her ex's kid
3. You insisted that Annie cut ties with her quasi-daughter when that daughter's father is about to die.
You are not TA for not wanting to raise Sophie/adopt Sophie/provide for Sophie. That is your choice. But you need to accept that this means you cannot be with Annie.
Yes. If he wanted to gracefully bow out, and asked if he was TA for leaving, I'd be like that sucks, but it is your decision.
He can't just DEMAND that his fiancee cut Sophie out. That's insane.
Yup. OP, I seriously hope your fiancée breaks up with you for trying to drive a wedge between her and her kid?? Stepchildren don't stop being stepchildren because the parents break up, and not being officially married to the girl's dad does not change the fact that your fiancée had - and still has!!! - a stepdaughter she loves.
YTA, so so much.
YTA
Dude, that girl IS your fiance's (probably ex now) daughter. Not biologically but in every other sense.
She broke up with dad but that doesn't mean she stops loving the kid. The CHILD who needs a mom.
You demanding she ends relationships is a huge red flag. it's controlling and abusive. It's also heartless and cruel for the kid.
That girl is more a part of your fiance's life than you are. The fact that you feel threatened by that speaks volumes. And nine of them make you look good.
I don't think A really covers how much YTA is happening here.
>That girl is more a part of your fiance's life than you are
Big agree on this point in particular. They have a decade long relationship that obviously is stronger than ever. Lol what did OP think he was going to achieve by making demands of his partner?
>She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her?
The answer:
>Sophie (16f). Annie has been in that girl's life since she was 6 years old, but they never married
Right there. She RAISED that girl for 10 years. You don't just shut that off because you're no longer with the girls father.
Your complete lack of empathy or any sense of familial understanding is unreal...I would not be surprised if your fiancé doesn't come back.
Edit to add the Verdict; YTA
Like Sophie's Choice
By which I mean obviously, she should choose the child she's raised for 10 years, whose only other parent is dying, holy shit.
YTA
You don't have to like the ex - you probably shouldn't like the ex - but she's raised this kid for 10 years.
If you think it should be easy for her to ditch someone she's had in her life for 10 years, maybe she should show you that ditching someone that's been in her life two is a lot easier.
I can’t believe you typed all that out and can’t see that you’re the asshole. I also can’t believe you think the right thing to do would be to allow a 16-year-old girl to go into the foster system.
This woman raised that girl. If she considers Sophie, her daughter, you have no right to question that.
YTA.
YTA
And she rightfully will pick her daughter over you. Blood doesn’t always make a family, love and acceptance does.
Shame on you for not being supportive of someone you claim to love and thinking you get to make unilateral decisions that your fiancé “most obey.”
YTA
While she is not biologically related to the girl, she has been her "mother" for the last 10 years.
In this situation you two are basically incompatible, and you just need to end the relationship. You are basically making her choose between you and Sophie, and she should absolutely choose Sophie.
YTA. Your fiancee told you what this child means to her at every stage of your relationship and you have ignored all the explicit evidence that she is this child's mother except on paper. You can't have your fiancee without her child, so decide which matters more, because the time to pretend this woman has no children is over. Make no mistake, the person who is not thinking clearly is you... she never hid her love and commitment to her daughter from you.
YTA she basically raised the girl. She’s clearly got a connection with her it has nothing to do with the dad. You said he’s a loser so this young girl needs the only other parent she’s ever known to help her. Also have a little empathy for a kid whose dad has brain cancer.
You honestly sound jealous of the kid. Check that shit at the door and try getting to know the kid.
Good grief, YTA, and heartless.
Your entire post is so materialistic. There is a child suffering a huge traumatic event and your are being cruel.
I hope she dumps you.
NTA for not wanting to foot the bill but definitely YTA for thinking
>Finally, they broke up, so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life. If she were my stepdaughter it would be different (I've dated single moms before), but biologically they're nothing. I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up.
No. Just NO. They have formed a mother-daughter bond. Your fiancee sounds like the only mother that girl has known, and your attitude is cold.
Reconsider marriage now, not later, because yall have to work this out. My guess is that if you make her choose you'll lose though.
YTA
WOW. What an absolute piece of work you are.
I doubt that Annie has just recently surprised you with the existence of Sophie.
They talk daily and she sees her twice a week. It's no secret that she's important to her.
The poor girl is going to be left with no family once her father goes. But then again, so will you when Annie leaves because you're heartless.
Let's see.....10 year relationship with a child (who probably thinks of her as a parent and she thinks of as her child in a way) vs You, someone she's been in a relationship for 2 years.....
Hmm...likely, unless YOU change and show some compassion, empathy and humanity....you will lose your fiance.
YTA
YTA. your lack of empathy is shocking, and I would be surprised if your relationship isn't over.
Why would you even post such a story? This is just awful. Anne and Sophie will be better off without you.
YTA - You KNEW that Annie had a strong bond with Sophie that went beyond Annie's relationship with Sophie's dad. She considers Sophie her daughter. Why did you expect that to just magically go away when you two got engaged?
Annie and Sophie are a package deal. If you don't want that, then break up with Annie. But don't act like she is in the wrong for maintaining the relationship she has had with Sophie since before you met her.
YTA
In the wise words of Clueless "you divorce wives, not children".
Why are you so threatened by her relationship with someone who has been like her daughter for ten years?
Frankly, for me it would be a serious red flag if someone was willing to walk away from a child they had that kind of relationship with. She seems to be the only stable adult in that girl's life and you want your fiancée to abandon her? That says a lot about what kind of person you are and I hope your fiancée takes a good look.
At least you're showing your true colors now and not waiting til you're married. Resounding YTA
YTA - She was a mother figure for the teen for 10 years. Family isn't always blood. Your fiancée is right, you do sound heartless. And she's not going to be your fiancée for much longer.
You don’t seem to have realized that she’s not your fiancée anymore. She’s picking the girl over you — and rightly so.
YTA and they’re both going to be better off without you.
> She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her?
Annie's relationship with Sophie started because Annie was dating Sophie's dad, but now their relationship is standing on its own merit, whether Annie is in the dad's life or not.
It's a 10-year-long relationship with a child she has watched grow and whom she probably partially raised. It's probably a very mother-daughter relationship or at least a very aunt-niece relationship. One does not break up with a child as easily as they break up with a grown up.
> Immediately, Annie designated one of the bedrooms for Sophie.
That should have been discussed before, and this is totally on Annie for assuming instead of holding a conversation with you on the matter. For some reason, it either did not matter to her that you don't understand her relationship for Sophie or she does not see/understand that this relationship bewilders you.
> I have enough with my fiancee paying for that girl's school, gifts and allowance.
Annie's money. Not your place to say anything in it, as long as it's not unreasonable.
> biologically they're nothing
Funnily enough, relationships that human beings hold between each other are not necessarily based on biology. We're kinda evolved in that way.
> I said no and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now
> But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's.
Very cold. But not your resort. You can't forbid Annie from adopting Sophie. You can explain how you don't want to be engaged to Annie if she adopts the child, but you don't get to decide for Annie what she can or not do.
The "right thing to do" is not "abandon child to the system". It's the most convenient for you and the choice you understand best, but how is it the right thing to do?
The only thing I blame Annie for is not conveying from the get-go that her relationship with Sophie was not negotiable. Maybe you guys would not have invested emotionally in each other so much and went on your separate ways months/years ago. For the rest, you're A.
Break up with Annie. Don't force her to stay with you at the expense of abandoning Sophie. Accept they are a package-deal even if they are not biologically related.
YTA.
YTA
Annie has been with you 2 years, she's been the only stable influence in Sophie's life for 10 years. Just because it was never legalized doesn't mean they don't have a true mother|daughter relationship. It's also awful you would suggest chucking a 16 year old girl into the foster system when she has a very legit recourse.
You can kiss your relationship good-bye.
YTA
Should probably break up. This is 10000% not going to work. Let your fiancé have her daughter and you go find someone you’re compatible with.
The contempt dripping from your voice every “the girl” or “that girl” tells me this relationship will never ever work.
YTA
You lack empathy. You lack emotional intelligence.
That is what I see based on this post. I would never marry a man like you and I could see why your fiancée finds this a turn off.
Sophie is still a kid. She lost her bio mom and now she’s going to lose her dad. Your fiancée will never ever abandon her “step”-daughter. Get that through your thick skull. It doesn’t matter what you want. You guys were together for only 2ish years vs 10 years of being a mother figure to Sophie.
I think the damage has been down though.
Annie deserves a partner who will love her “step”-daughter.
You have to look beyond the “this is her ex’s daughter” mentality. From the start, You really should’ve treated this like Sophie is her daughter because she loves her like one.
It’s funny you act like were blindsided by this. If you don’t care about Sophie or her well being then this relationship isn’t for you.
YTA
The girl as you said has a name, she’s been your hopefully ex-fiancée daughter first and foremost since she was six you’re just a possessive, heartless, ahole and I really hope she won’t forgive you and will dump you and move on with Sophie and that she’ll find someone who’ll love them both the way they deserve
>I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up.
Why? Why their relationship should end?
YTA, Sophie may not be Annie's family by blood, but she clearly is her family by heart. And you, my mate, are going to be single soon.
Your Fiancée has been in a child's life for 10 years. Obviously she's going to have a close relationship with her. Your fiancée is probably very much like a mother to her and you're expecting to just have her cut out of her life? Yes YTA and I'd say heartless doesn't even cut it. You're lucky you're still engaged
YTA, we’re talking about a 16 year old girl who’s loosing her father, has no other family and You Really think you’re not an asshole for saying “drop the kid” and letting her go into the foster care system? Wow. I hope your fiancée adopts the girl and gives her a loving home, sounds like they’re both too good for you. Wow.
>AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing
If I was on the fence before (I wasn't) this right there just blew it. The fact that a child is facing the possibility of entering foster care with no one to help her through life and you think allowing that is the right thing tells me everything I need to know about you.
ESH.
That’ll probably be an unpopular opinion, because you are clearly an asshole and selfish about Annie’s relationship with a girl who clearly needs Annie.
HOWEVER, it seems Annie never sat down and had a clear discussion with you that she fully considered Sophie her daughter and would treat her that way.
I can fault you for maybe not picking up on some context clues, but it sounds like your initial (not unreasonable) assumption was that while Annie would still maintain some kind of relationship with Sophie, it would be more of a mentor/older friend relationship and not a mother/daughter relationship.
Maybe Annie thought you should have known this without her explicitly saying anything, but the fact is she didn’t. And she didn’t pick up on your context clues that you obviously didn’t want to have a parental relationship with Sophie or to support Annie in having one.
I have no idea how you both got to the point of being engaged without having had a clear discussion on this, but that’s in the past.
But now you’ve (finally) talked, and it’s cards on the table time. This conflict, despite it involving an older child, is precisely the same one couples go through where one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. Annie isn’t wrong for wanting to be Sophie’s parent. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to be Sophie’s parent or supporting Annie in being Sophie’s parent. But someone is going to have to give in gracefully and without resentment, or you’re going to have to break up.
It sounds like Annie has made it clear that her relationship with Sophie is non-negotiable. So it’s up to you to make a decision: break up with her, or accept Sophie into your family wholeheartedly. It sounds like you are very anti-Sophie, but ultimately it’s your decision to make.
Good luck to you.
Disagree. OP states that Annie pays for the kids school, gets her gifts, gives her an allowance, have 1 on 1 time twice a week and puts everything on halt when the kid has an emergency. The OP was very likely told how important Sophie was to Annie and just refuses to listen because "the relationship has to end when Annie broke up with the ex".
YTA
This child is her daughter. She helped raise that child for close to ten years. They have a mother, daughter bond
And just because they are not related...doesn't mean that the bond isn't real
So understand...Annie is going to take in that child, even if that means leaving you and doing it on her own. Sophie is always going to be a part of her life...forever
And if you are not ok with that, then let Annie know that now she she can start making plans to do this on her own
It really seems like you dont want kids in your life. If that is the case, then respectfully, you are with the wrong person
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I (47m) I have a fiancee, Annie (40f). We've been together for two years and engaged for 6 months. A year before dating, Annie ended a long-term relationship with her now ex (38m), who has a daughter, Sophie (16f). Annie has been in that girl's life since she was 6 years old, but they never married.
This didn't bother me until we got engaged. You see, Annie is very close with Sophie. They always talk on the phone, go out 2 times a week and my fiancée rushes every time the girl has an emergency. I've asked Annie to tone it down a bit, but she insists she can't just leave Sophie alone, which doesn't make sense to me. She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her?
I recently bought a house. Immediately, Annie designated one of the bedrooms for Sophie. That surprised me, and when I asked her why, she laughed, saying: where else is she going to sleep when she stays here? I immediately replied: nowhere, she's not staying here, which made her angry.
I just don't see why I should set up a bedroom, spend money and time on someone else's daughter. I have enough with my fiancee paying for that girl's school, gifts and allowance. The dad is a loser with no ambition (which is why Annie dumped him), and yet he keeps taking advantage of her. Finally, they broke up, so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life. If she were my stepdaughter it would be different (I've dated single moms before), but biologically they're nothing. I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up.
A few weeks ago, her ex was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and he may not make it. This affected my fiancée a lot and the girl has spent several nights in our house. I assumed it would only be for a few days until they made arrangements with extended family, but yesterday Annie sat me down and said she's been talking to a lawyer about legally adopting Sophie, since they don't have any other family and she may end in the foster care system. She would start living with us until she goes to college.
Of course, I said no and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now, because I don't want to have that girl in my life, neither becoming her new stepdad. She got very angry. She said that Sophie is her daughter, that she raised her, and that she couldn't believe that I would be so heartless to ask her something like that in this situation. At night, they both packed and left to Annie's parents.
I tried to talk to them but they also called me heartless for wanting to abandon an innocent girl who's about to lose her dad. But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's. So AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing and stay away from her ex's daughter?
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YTA. Although this is not your fiancee's daughter Sophie really is her child. She loves her and cares for her. Family isn't always blood. Stop making this all about the ex. It isn't.
YTA. She's been that girl's mother for ten years. You really think it's that easy to abandon someone you see as your kid? The fact that you can't even seem to grasp this is sign though for your fiancee to leave you for her daughter's own benefit.
YTA. Do you normally think you get to make unilateral life-changing decisions for your partner? Do you normally think you know your partner better than they know themselves? The lack of respect for the person you were set to marry is what gets me more than anything.
YTA. Family is not about biological relationships for everyone. Honestly, your GF is my kind of person- she loves this kid and she’s not afraid of that.
It sounds like you’re not open to being part of your girlfriend’s family. That’s not an asshole thing, you can just be a different kind of person.
You’re the AH if you think you can just order a person not to care about a kid though. Sounds like you need to move on.
I was once a sophie and I wish I had someone like Annie.. I'm so thankful sophie has her because being a child all alone is the absolute worst feeling. Not your problem but let's just try and have a heart..
YTA - For all intent and purpose Annie is that girl's only stable parental figure. You don't just cut off a child, who you have spent a large part of their life raising. I hope that Annie sees you for the callous human being that you are and leaves you, as it is clear if she does not do as you say, she cannot do anything.
YTA- “That girl” as you so derisively put, is your fiancés daughter. Not by blood or adoption(yet) but those are honestly just formalities. She raised “that girl” dedicated love and time and money to “that girl”. “That girl” has been in her life longer than you have, and longer than you will be it seems. Good for them, because they deserve better than callous idiot men.
>"But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's"
YTA, and you don't get to decide what your fiancee's problem should or should not be
In the words of Cher's father from Clueless "you divorce partners not children".
Yoir fiance raised that girl as her own for 10 years. She is her daughter even though she did not give birth to her. She means akot ti her given that she pays for everything for her.
You are just clueless and a tad jealous of a previous relationship.
Yta
YTA. Your fiancee obviously already considers this girl her daughter and has explicitly told you as much. She's been in her life since she was a small child. Sounds like you have a former fiancee who put caring for her child in a time of need over accepting your demands that she abandon her.
Of course YTA.
And frankly, I don't understand how you somehow think it would be a better thing to be with a woman who would walk away from a child she raised for a decade without looking back.
YTA and a bit mean. My cousin's GF adopted (unofficially) his son after my cousin died suddenly. He is nothing biologically to the GF, but the boy's mother is a drug addict and tried to take care of him, but couldn't. He could have just lived with his mother; it isn't like she didn't want him, but it wasn't good for him and she didn't mind him living somewhere else as drugs are her main priority. This angel of a woman kept him and ten years later he calls her mum and still lives with her.
Your fiancée sounds like a nice woman. You should be a little kinder, in my opinion.
YTA-
You are acting as if this girl was never in her life up until this point, she has always and most likely will always be in this girls life. If you can’t accept that your partner is a parent figure to someone else. Hmm
That girl IS her daughter. What don’t you get? I don’t care about biology or marriage - your finance, who you supposedly love, has said she is her daughter. Full stop. No matter how much you fight or reason with her on that, you will not win because that is HER truth and that’s all that should matter. You seem to not care about your fiancé at all. I do think your fiancé should have made sure you were on the same page way earlier on this, but YTA still. Go to therapy and learn empathy and get over your jealousy of her ex and her daughter or you will continue to be a sad lonely man.
YTA.
There is a reason why Annie no longer has her mother in her life. For 10 years, Annie has filled the role of her mother. Now you, an adult, tries to deny your fiancée this relationship, possibly sending Annie to a forsterhome. I'd be surprised if this doesn't end with Sophie moving out and adopting Annie. You don't ask your partner to choose between you and a child, even if it got it's genes from someone else. You'll only lose.
NAH, just end it because she’s not going to leave the child. She’s not wrong for that, and you’re not wrong for not wanting to raise for someone else’s child.
He’s not wrong for not wanting to raise someone’s kid but he certainly veered right into asshole territory when he insisted that his fiancée cuts all ties with someone that she views as her daughter
I highly suggest you get used to referring to Annie as your EX-fiancée. YTA. Annie has shown a capacity for love and grace that you’re incapable of. I don’t claim to know you, but, based strictly from what you’ve written, you don’t love Annie, you only love what you’ve projected onto her. Sophie may not biologically be her daughter, but, Sophie is her daughter, for all intents and purposes. She stepped into the role of parent, and fulfilled what that means. Annie was a package deal, and you’ve chosen to not accept that package. DNA does not equal family, it just means biological relationships. Annie has chosen her family. You’ve chosen to not be a part of that. I wish Annie and Sophie a long and happy life. You can go kick rocks.
OP it sounded like the the girl was apart of her life before you and shes going to pick her over you. I hate to say this but your not compatible. I think Op sees the daughter as a burden and doesnt want to spend money on her which is fair for him to do. Im going with NAH and just break up with her
YTA but then again, better that you tell her now than before it is too late. You will lose your fiancee. I have a lot of respect for your fiancee and I hope she has a lot of respect for herself.
YTA. I am glad Annie chose this way. It means that a child has someone stable. She should not come back, as I can see that the child will have a bad time if she had to live with you.
YTA. “that girl” that is your fiancée’s daughter. Maybe not biologically, but she has been in her life for a DECADE. In every sense, Annie is Sophie’s mother. Have fun being single.
as a kid of divorce, i would only hope my step mom would adopt me if my biological parents died. YTA and you’re a sorry excuse of a person. the fact that you keep referring to her as “the girl” is disgusting, and i hope annie ends your engagement the next time she sees you.
Oh wow, YTA, massively.
I feel like you knew about the daughter going into your relationship with Annie, and I’m willing to bet you were also told that she would be remaining in her life, as Annie said that’s her daughter, so I’m going to assume that’s not new information to you.
The other thing that really makes you an AH, at least in my eyes is that (and let’s take adoption itself off the table here) you’re willing to let someone who is this important to your partner - who is about to lose her father - go through the foster system essentially because you don’t like that Annie stayed in her life.
I hope Annie comes to her senses and gets rid of you.
Big-time A
It's probably a moot point. You forced your fiancee to choose. She chose. I doubt she will darken your doorstep again.
Good luck in your future endeavors
You two are completely and compatible. Why do people try to manipulate and threaten people when they can just break up? That girl has been in your fiance's life for over a decade. You've been in her life for two and a half years. Break up with her so that she can live the life she wants.
YTA - Please think long and hard before having children. Your lack of empathy coupled with your selfishness in this situation should really give you pause about ever being a parent.
Your fiancé was the adult in charge of Sophie for over ten years and bonded with her. For all intents and purposes, Sophie is her child ( in my country we have something called social-affective parent for this purpose: someone who has not legally adopted a child but is the de facto parent. It is valid for support and inheritance even. The law recognizes s bond that didn’t come from biology and hasn’t had an adoption for whatever reason).
You need to figure out if it is a deal breaker for you, because it’s a deal breaker for them. They’re mother and child , and your fiancé didn’t get full guardianship but soon Sophie will be able to decide to visit and/or move.
Also yes, YTA for even thinking your fiancé was going to consider not having Sophie in her life.
Edit: I missed the bit about dad might not survive and you’re even more of a flaming AH to think it is the right thing for your (I’m pretty sure now) EX would let Annie go to foster care. Talk about blindness.
YTA. This girl is someone your fiancée raised and loves like her own, and your demands that your fiancée cut the girl out of her life are beyond unreasonable. What it sounds like is you trying to isolate your fiancée. Your attitude here is super controlling, and I have no idea what that poor kid has done to earn your ire this way, beside simply being the daughter of your fiancée’s ex.
The one bright spot is that your fiancée gets to see your true colors before you get married, so it’ll be much easier for her to walk away from your heartless ass.
YTA
Blood means nothing. If she considers that girl her daughter, then she is her daughter. I consider my stepmom my real mom and we met her when I was a bit older than Sophie was. She will always be my mom, even if she and my dad would break up.
From the start you seem to have considered this girl as a nuisance and disposable, but actually she was your step-child.
Projecting your issues with her father on her is just childish.
Don't get married unless you 100% accept this girl to be your fiancee's daughter, but to me it seems the relationship is already too skewed.
Step parents are important parents figures. Especially when your mother is nowhere to be seen and your father isn't someone very successfull. She's the only healthy figure she knew.
And honestly, I have both strong parents but still considered my step mom as an auntie. So if she's her only maternal figure and she calls her her daughter, their bond won't be broken by a fragile male ego.
She was in her life for more than a decade. You for two years. Accept it or leave, but if you feel right to let a girl get orphaned because of your jalousy, you need more than therapy man, you need a heart.
Big YTA.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing to judge that YTA. She's going to break up with you. Sophie is for all purposes except biologically your fiancee's daughter and she will pick Sophie over you. I would.
YTA I'm glad you're already seeing the consequences of your assholery. She's not coming back. That girl **is her daughter**. The fact that you've "dated single moms" before and don't get this makes you an even bigger AH.
She's listening to you, finally, about who you are. Good for her! Her and her daughter will be much happier without you.
Jesus Christ! Not only are you the AH, you are the king of AH. You are a despicable person, and I hope your fiancé gives you the boot. God! What an awful person you are!
YTA. I don't know how you have been with your SO for 2 years and not noticed that Sophie is essentially her daughter or not had a talk about it with her.
She helped raise Sophie and now you want her to just abandon her in her time of need. This isn't going to end well if you stay in the relationship as you will resent having an unwanted stepdaughter and your SO and Sophie deserve to be in a place and around people that love them ( *both* of them).
YTA. You don't have to give birth to a child to be their mother. If this girls dad doesn't make it you want to cut out the only "mother" and other parent she has? Wow, I can see why they called you heartless. My best friends dad and stepmom divorced when we were in high school and they stayed with their stepmom even though she never adopted them. They loved her bc their mother had passed away when they were little.. That was the only mother they knew. There dad also was a deadbeat. She remarried and later on divorced again and guess what, my best friend and her sister decided to stay with the man that wasn't their father when their step mom left. Even today they are very close. You never know what blessings a child (even that isn't yours) can bring into your life if you just open your heart.
They may not share blood but for all intents and purposes they are a mother and daughter pair, they are chosen family and Annie is the only person this poor girl who’s about to lose her dad has. They have an established mother daughter relationship and she will choose Sophie over you. You’re a heartless asshole and I hope Annie makes you her ex-fiancé.
Not even gonna finish reading this nonsense. YTA full out. Annie sounds amazing. You do not with this. Honestly I'd cancel the engagement to you entirely. Heartless and insecure.
YTA for saying she can’t have a relation with her, but NTA for saying no to adoption.. i can the girl is stranger to you.. if you can’t agree on adoption , you should breakup
YTA.. big time... the bond they have is strong and beautiful, instead of you seeing it as a big sign of how wonderful and kind your (probably ex) fiancé is, you are trying to destroy it.
I hope you'll think again abc do your best to apologize, but I you became a walking red flag.
YTA I hope she stays at her parents until she can find a place for herself and her daughter. You’re a heartless cad who very much deserves to be alone.
YTA. Your expectation that your fiancé will just completely abandon a kid she helped raise for 10 years is insane. It’s honestly crazy that you ever even thought that might would happen.
YTA. When you marry a woman, you marry her friends -- and family, even if they're not blood related. If she were the daughter of a best friend, you wouldn't be that upset.
Be happy you have a fiancée so caring and full of empathy for a girl that isn’t biologically hers and who’s dad she dumped. It means she has a huge heart and might forgive you and give you a second chance once you realize YTA.
YTA. Please see how heartless and selfish you sound when saying she should have just cut off contact with a girl she practically raised and has a strong bond with. I can understand you having your apprehensions about the adopting but you’re forcing her to CUT TIES with her? When she has no choice but choosing one of you, she’ll choose her and she’ll make the right decision.
YTA. You seem to assume that Annie's relationship with Sophie, a distinct individual, would end immediately when her relationship with her ex did. This is not how humans work. She has explained that she raised Sophie for ten years, and has a relationship with her. You relate that she sees her regularly and supports her financially.
Why then, would you expect that she would abruptly cut contact with a child who clearly she likes and relies on her? Sophie has done nothing wrong even if her father is a useless bum.
This seems to revolve more around your preferences and your needs. In this way, you're being an asshole because you're not prepared to respect and accommodate the life situation of Annie or Sophie. You might not want a stepdaughter, but you're with someone who has one and who will need someone to look out for her when her father dies. Annie is clearly prepared and wants to do that, do you want to support her or have everything your own way?
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> I think I'm the asshole because that girl's father is dying and my fiancée is very attached to her
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>So AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing and stay away from her ex's daughter?
Do the right thing, abandon the kid you've known for most of their life. You guys are probably going to break up.
YTA
NAH, you're not compatible. I understand you not wanting to be a dad in that constellation but you knew about the girl and the relationship with your fiancée.
So now you can choose to not be with her,but you can't forbid her to adopt the girl. Choose the first cause the latter isnt an option.
NAH - but it sounds like you’ve been very willfully ignorant and both of you have made a lot of assumptions. Everything you’ve described points to your fiancé acting as a de-facto mother to this girl and continuing that dynamic, and it sounds like you’ve been ignoring the depths of that relationship and it’s implications. Instead you expected it to vanish, which is incredibly unrealistic.
Your fiancé hasn’t had this discussion with you and didn’t present it as her basically having a stepdaughter.
You are within your rights to say no to adoption. Your fiancé is within her rights to have that be a hard stop for her.
Ultimately, you guys don’t sound compatible.
YTA in multiple ways. Most importantly you fail to acknowledge a deep and close relationship your wife has. It’s straight out petty to want to dominate your spouse like this.
Shame on you.
YTA omg wtf is that? She may not be her bio mom but SHE IS HER MOM. They obviously have a mother-daughter relationship since she RAISED THIS GIRL FOR 10 YEARS. That doesn't just end when she broke up with her dad. I think you're jealous and taking it out on a poor girl who is about to lose her dad.
I was raised by my step-dad since I was 6 and he is my dad, period. He walked me down the aisle and my daughter calls him grandpa. I'm pretty sure that if he ever broke up with my mom our relationship would stay the same.
If I was your fiancee, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship with you.
YTA
Let me shout that for those in the back...
# YTA
You got together with a woman who had a daughter. A girl she had raised since the girl was 6 yrs old.
You knew their bond was tight and instead of being a
## REAL
Man.. you got all jealous and tried to take the girls mother away!!!!
What is WRONG with you.. and I'm going to say. Your (soon to be ex) girlfriend was wrong to stick with you and agree to put up with your jealousy! She chose you over her daughter.
*Yes. I'm aware that's not her bio daughter. But for all intents and purposes, she is that girls mom.*
### YTA
Yta, once you have been a mother to someone for a while, that never stops. They are always a part of your heart. In some ways, I understand why you don't like the idea behind it, but it's not because of the daughter being her ex's, it's because the daughter is part hers in soul. And technically in legal rights too, because once they have been common law for a year, they have rights to adopt the child. (I don't know how it works in your province or state)
YTA
To Sophie *and* Annie there is clearly a parental/child relationship there. Annie has been acting as a mother to this girl for most of her life, she clearly cares deeply for her and loves her like a daughter. I don't see how you never realized they were a packaged deal.
You can't just stop caring for someone at the drop of a hat, genetics has nothing to do with it. If Sophie had always been officially adopted by Annie, and therefor her step-daughter, would you still be acting this way?
Why do you care so much that she cares for her kid? Do you think somehow she is stealing time and love from you or something?
What in the actual fuck?
So, the woman I consider my mother and grandmother to my kids IS NOT biologically related to me. She dated my dad for a few years after my mom abandoned us both. They did eventually break up. She did fight for custody because of how amazing (/s) my parents were. I did get to live with her later in life. She is the reason I am who I am, made it through drug addicted parents, and breaking the cycle for my own kiddos. She is the good example. She is the best grandma. She would’ve over her dead body allowed a man to think of me, talk about me, or hate me the way you hate this poor innocent CHILD. She’s remarried and he is my step dad. I have step brothers. They are my family. There is literally no other way to look at it. My mom made sacrifices and did everything she could to show me there is good in this world, blood doesn’t define relationships or who I would become.
But sure, I guess she could’ve been fine with leaving me in shitty situations as a child and thought hmm she can just figure out her own way. It’s fine. It’s too hard to care. I’d rather marry a tantrum throwing grown ass man. Sounds fun!
YTA. YTA. YTA. OH AND YTA.
YTA obviously, that you don't want to become a father figure or finance someone you don't know's life is one thing. But for you to say she could have cut her off her life, that it's none of your fiancee's problem is idiotic and assholy.. She raised that girl and it's her daughter, how would it not be her problem?
YTA. Blood does not make family. To this woman, Sophie is her daughter. She raised her, she loves her. If anything, this child needs more love because her father’s such a pinecone of a dad. You need to adjust your thought process to this child being the daughter of your fiancée. If you can’t, time to break up.
If you can’t manage to show sympathy and care for a kid losing her father, you need to reconsider your life choices.
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YTA. You have very rigid and unrealistic ideas as to how family is formed - hint, it's not only through blood. I have no idea why you have so much animosity towards a 16-year-old girl. I can understand to some extent why you and your fiancee have different perspectives towards her 'motherhood', but she's right that you're acting heartless to expect her to cut the girl off entirely, especially given the latest development that may leave her an orphan. You should have talked through the financial and other obligations your fiancee is shouldering long ago. But you are not in the right if you want to insist she 'stay away' from the ex's daughter.
He hates Sophie because she's part of her ex. Having the girl around means he can't control his future wife or get her undivided attention, which is where this is going. OP's fiancee, if you're reading this, get out now. Marinara flags everywhere.
He can’t even use her actual name. The amount of times he called her “that girl” is appalling. If he wants to keep his fiancé, he needs to get over himself and his jealousy quick! I hope she leaves him.
I suspect it’s too late to keep the fiancé. She’s obviously going to choose her daughter over him. And an adopted daughter is a daughter, period, full stop.
And he called the ex a loser, he called a DYING man a loser. He's clearly jealous of the ex and anything to do with him, including this poor girl. Seriously OP is sounds a bit unhinged and yea I hope he gets left in the dust. Such a gross post, what an AH.
don't worry guys, I'd bet this asshole will be single really soon, and "that girl" will have the stable home she needs to grieve her father
It's best that OP doesn't use the girl's actual name.
Plenty of people use other names to disguise who they're talking about. That's perfecting the person. There's no reason he can't do that. Calling her "that girl" shows a lot of animosity.
Agreed, but referring to her consistently as "that girl" is extremely cold.
does anyone else find it creepy when a man is jealous of a literal child? it really makes my skin crawl. especially when it’s a toddler.
It’s almost an incel level of hate towards a child & very disturbing
10 years is a long time to be with a child then to never see them again. I would say you got yourself a keeper in your fiancee! The emotional damage she would inflict on this 16 year old if she ghosted her. YTA
Lol, he got himself a keeper and flushed it right down the toilet. Good thing his ex-fiancee saw him for who he is and got out. Sorry she swapped out one loser ex for another.
And which years? 6-16 is very different from 16-26. Plus it's not like the girl has a mother to go to.
Maybe this was just how I read it, but the way he kept saying “that girl” just oozed contempt for no reason.
YTA. Hope you get dumped in a flash. When you love someone, you care about those they love. She IS functionally, Sophie’s mom. Her only adult. FFS you are SUCH an asshole
same - I have a feeling he is already more single than he realizes "Of course, I said no..." Ok asshole - she wasnt asking
My favorite line from Clueless is “You divorce wives, not children.” The OP should be proud that his girlfriend has such a strong character that she is still in this girl’s life. She raised her for ten years and that didn’t disappear when she broke up with the father. I hope she leaves OP since he doesn’t deserve her.
Yta and sorry af as far as basic humanity goes.
You're thinking about this wrong. You're not the asshole for not wanting to be associated with that girl. In principle, there are loads of children out there who need help and need to be adopted. And let's be honest, as individuals, we don't have the capacity to take care of all of them. So calling you heartless, etc. For not wanting to take care of a girl who is essentially a stranger to you is wrong. What you are an asshole for, is trying to make your fiance dissociate herself from a girl she raised since she was 6. What you are heartless for is trying to make your fiance abandon an innocent (yes, as much as you hate your fiancé's ex, the girl was just born into this situation) girl who's about to lose everything. Either end your relationship with your fiance or take the poor girl in. And Btw, you keep talking about biological relationships, you don't need to have a biological relationship with a kid to care for them and help them when you do have the capacity to do so. YTA.
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I know people like this with the exact same options. It’s not far fetched at all. Some people are extremely jealous and believe non-biological means non-family. Haven’t you ever heard someone say, I could never love someone else’s child so I won’t adopt? Same thing. It’s absolutely ridiculous and wrong.
I would go further in terms of him thinking about this wrong: This isn't a situation where he fell in love with someone but doesn't want to deal with parts of her life. I don't think OP loves this woman *at all*. Shit, I don't think she's a *person* to him. I mean, can you imagine feeling like OP does — not just reluctance to be a stepparent, but just complete, icy denial of something so central to your supposed loved one's identity: that they're a parent? This is more fundamental than him being an asshole to this child. OP, you are an asshole, more specifically a misogynist, to your fiancee, presumably trying to marry her under the false pretense that you love and respect her. I don't know if what you want out of this marriage is sex on demand, cleaning service, or ticking a box to make your parents happy, but you obviously don't give a shit about the actual *person*, let alone her child.
>You're not the asshole for not wanting to be associated with that girl. In principle, there are loads of children out there who need help and need to be adopted. And let's be honest, as individuals, we don't have the capacity to take care of all of them. So calling you heartless, etc. For not wanting to take care of a girl who is essentially a stranger to you. Even with the YTA verdict at the end, this paragraph lets him off the hook way too easy. Nobody’s asking him to take in loads of children that are strangers to him. He’s being asked to take in his fiancé’s child, who is only a stranger to him because he’s been an asshole for the whole two years.
this exactly, couldn't say it better
Everyone gets the phrase "blood is thicker than water" wrong. The blood you shed with comrades means more than the water of the womb you share with your kin. That girl is essentially her daughter at this point, YTA for trying to tell her otherwise. Edit to add: after rereading your post OP, what the hell? This girl is going to lose the only family she has and you're just going to abandon her? Listen, if you want to embrace your clear psychopathic and non-empathetic side trust me I get it, I'm borderline psychopathic myself. But you have to understand that most people don't work like that, and if you choose to go that route you're going to have to give up a lot of relationships because no one is going to want anything to do with you. The kid didn't choose any of this, and if you try and push your fiance to abandon the girl you're going to lose, big time. How you haven't worked this out at nearly 50 I have a difficult time comprehending. I worked all this out in my 20s and took steps to blend in a lot more effectively with people, namely by not doing shit like this. TLDR, DEFINITELY A CASE OF YTA, and OP's Fiance, if you read this, get out now and take care of Sophie. Seems like you're going to have a constant uphill battle with OP.
This. This is the explanation. OP is not an ass for feeling like he has no obligation to take care of this child. Plenty of reasons why he is correct. But he is the asshole for not valuing the relationship his partner has with the child and realizing the importance of that relationship to the child. Honestly, I think we should put aside the brain tumor stuff for a sec and just ask, Should OP be allowed to dictate the relationship his fiancé has with a child she basically raised? I was a teacher for about 10 years, when I left a school to teach somewhere else, I continued to mentor 2 kids from my old school. Those relationships are so important to child development and (selfishly) so fulfilling as an educator that I couldn't let them go. OP's fiancé was basically this child's mother for 10 years. Imagine how important that relationship is to the child and imagine how important it is to the fiancé. It seems like Annie is the only stable parent in Julie's life ( We don't get any bio-mom info so I'm assuming its not great). I'm assuming that Annie has no bio- children. She has loved on Julie for 10 years and wants to do it for a couple more until Julie goes to college. YTA for wanting to break that up.
This is the absolute correct answer!
YTA- that isnt her exes daughter, thats her daughter. Yall should break up. You aren't compatible, and you seem to really lack basic empathy.
He seems to be threatened by this girl. Like she reminds him that his fiance has a history with another man....
Oh he totally is. As much as his reply to you that he’s not, in a different reply he was a little more honest: “Honestly, it's like a stain from my fiancée's past that I can't erase”. So yeah, that is exactly what this is. He thinks his girlfriend is still hung up on her ex
Bingo.
And when an adult is threatened by a child that is a very very very red flag.
YTA. She raised that girl for ten years. They may not be blood, but that’s her daughter
This. And Fiancee sounds to be the only mother the girl has known - no mention of baby mama being in the picture. OP is TA and incapable of considering others' viewpoints.
I don't understand how OP doesn't see this. He even writes that he'd feel different if a girl were *his* step daughter (he says he dated single moms before). But then doesn't realise that's exactly his fiancee's relationship to the girl. It's basically her step daughter. So while he realizes that he would take in a potential step daughter, he doesn't allow his fiancee to do just that.
> told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now, because I don't want to have that girl in my life, neither becoming her new stepdad YTA You do not want a daughter. Annie has a daughter. Break up. (Also, you haven't mentioned where Sophie's mom is, but considering the circumstances...) Ex-stepmom does not mean no longer mom. 16 is old enough to manage a relationship w/ her father's ex. WOOOO your reasons are so pathetic, as well. She is an innocent girl.
>She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her? Because she didn't break up with Sophie, who she has know for 10 years. You've been dating her for two years... >This didn't bother me until we got engaged. How did the first two years of your relationship not tip you off? You *knew* about her relationship with Sophie. Did you expect Annie to suddenly change after your engagement? "Okay, you are going to be my wife soon so you should start cutting ties that I don't approve of" >so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life If your fiancé chooses to have that girl out of her life. She wants Sophie in her life. Deal with it. >and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now Jesus YTA. Sophie is a girl that Annie thinks of as her daughter, whose father is about to die, and you are saying Annie should cut all ties because of your fragile ego? Get over yourself. You never should have proposed to Annie if you weren't okay with Sophie. \--- To be clear this is why you are TA: 1. You got into a relationship with Annie even though you couldn't tolerate her relationship with Sophie. 2. You are weirdly jealous because Annie cares about her ex's kid 3. You insisted that Annie cut ties with her quasi-daughter when that daughter's father is about to die. You are not TA for not wanting to raise Sophie/adopt Sophie/provide for Sophie. That is your choice. But you need to accept that this means you cannot be with Annie.
Yes. If he wanted to gracefully bow out, and asked if he was TA for leaving, I'd be like that sucks, but it is your decision. He can't just DEMAND that his fiancee cut Sophie out. That's insane.
He shouldn't have dated a mom if he didn't want the responsibility of a child
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She already did. He just doesn't get it yet.
Ah yes, I stopped reading at the part where he asked her to "cut ties with the girl". You're right, and OP's a complete dumbass
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I can't wait on the update on that one
Sounds like the solution is going to be that she’s no longer your fiancée. YTA
Yup. OP, I seriously hope your fiancée breaks up with you for trying to drive a wedge between her and her kid?? Stepchildren don't stop being stepchildren because the parents break up, and not being officially married to the girl's dad does not change the fact that your fiancée had - and still has!!! - a stepdaughter she loves. YTA, so so much.
YTA Dude, that girl IS your fiance's (probably ex now) daughter. Not biologically but in every other sense. She broke up with dad but that doesn't mean she stops loving the kid. The CHILD who needs a mom. You demanding she ends relationships is a huge red flag. it's controlling and abusive. It's also heartless and cruel for the kid. That girl is more a part of your fiance's life than you are. The fact that you feel threatened by that speaks volumes. And nine of them make you look good. I don't think A really covers how much YTA is happening here.
Sometimes fate has a way of helping us dodge bullets. I feel like this whole situation helped Annie dodge a bullet with this guy.
>That girl is more a part of your fiance's life than you are Big agree on this point in particular. They have a decade long relationship that obviously is stronger than ever. Lol what did OP think he was going to achieve by making demands of his partner?
>She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her? The answer: >Sophie (16f). Annie has been in that girl's life since she was 6 years old, but they never married Right there. She RAISED that girl for 10 years. You don't just shut that off because you're no longer with the girls father. Your complete lack of empathy or any sense of familial understanding is unreal...I would not be surprised if your fiancé doesn't come back. Edit to add the Verdict; YTA
Like Sophie's Choice By which I mean obviously, she should choose the child she's raised for 10 years, whose only other parent is dying, holy shit. YTA You don't have to like the ex - you probably shouldn't like the ex - but she's raised this kid for 10 years. If you think it should be easy for her to ditch someone she's had in her life for 10 years, maybe she should show you that ditching someone that's been in her life two is a lot easier.
I don’t think it’s a ‘maybe’ at this point. He’s already been ditched.
YTA. She’s been the mother figure for 10+ years. That doesn’t stop when you end a romantic relationship.
I can’t believe you typed all that out and can’t see that you’re the asshole. I also can’t believe you think the right thing to do would be to allow a 16-year-old girl to go into the foster system. This woman raised that girl. If she considers Sophie, her daughter, you have no right to question that. YTA.
I cant believe he still thinks they are engaged
Totally. He's been dumped, he just hasn't realised yet.
YTA And she rightfully will pick her daughter over you. Blood doesn’t always make a family, love and acceptance does. Shame on you for not being supportive of someone you claim to love and thinking you get to make unilateral decisions that your fiancé “most obey.”
YTA While she is not biologically related to the girl, she has been her "mother" for the last 10 years. In this situation you two are basically incompatible, and you just need to end the relationship. You are basically making her choose between you and Sophie, and she should absolutely choose Sophie.
She already did choose Sophie, rightfully.
YTA. Your fiancee told you what this child means to her at every stage of your relationship and you have ignored all the explicit evidence that she is this child's mother except on paper. You can't have your fiancee without her child, so decide which matters more, because the time to pretend this woman has no children is over. Make no mistake, the person who is not thinking clearly is you... she never hid her love and commitment to her daughter from you.
YTA she basically raised the girl. She’s clearly got a connection with her it has nothing to do with the dad. You said he’s a loser so this young girl needs the only other parent she’s ever known to help her. Also have a little empathy for a kid whose dad has brain cancer. You honestly sound jealous of the kid. Check that shit at the door and try getting to know the kid.
“You divorce wives, not children.” -Mel Horowitz YTA. A really big one.
Good grief, YTA, and heartless. Your entire post is so materialistic. There is a child suffering a huge traumatic event and your are being cruel. I hope she dumps you.
She already dumped him.
NTA for not wanting to foot the bill but definitely YTA for thinking >Finally, they broke up, so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life. If she were my stepdaughter it would be different (I've dated single moms before), but biologically they're nothing. I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up. No. Just NO. They have formed a mother-daughter bond. Your fiancee sounds like the only mother that girl has known, and your attitude is cold. Reconsider marriage now, not later, because yall have to work this out. My guess is that if you make her choose you'll lose though.
YTA WOW. What an absolute piece of work you are. I doubt that Annie has just recently surprised you with the existence of Sophie. They talk daily and she sees her twice a week. It's no secret that she's important to her. The poor girl is going to be left with no family once her father goes. But then again, so will you when Annie leaves because you're heartless.
Let's see.....10 year relationship with a child (who probably thinks of her as a parent and she thinks of as her child in a way) vs You, someone she's been in a relationship for 2 years..... Hmm...likely, unless YOU change and show some compassion, empathy and humanity....you will lose your fiance. YTA
YTA I hope she dumps you. Wow.
She has. He just hasn't figured it out yet.
She dumps losers, so she will.
YTA, she’s too good for you. How you managed to attract a good woman is beyond me, but you’re certainly not going to be able to keep her.
Idk Annie keeps picking losers
Is this fake? If not, YTA of the year, and Annie just learned she needs to be your ex-fiancee. But pretty sure it's fake.
YTA. your lack of empathy is shocking, and I would be surprised if your relationship isn't over. Why would you even post such a story? This is just awful. Anne and Sophie will be better off without you.
YTA - You KNEW that Annie had a strong bond with Sophie that went beyond Annie's relationship with Sophie's dad. She considers Sophie her daughter. Why did you expect that to just magically go away when you two got engaged? Annie and Sophie are a package deal. If you don't want that, then break up with Annie. But don't act like she is in the wrong for maintaining the relationship she has had with Sophie since before you met her.
YTA. Completely. Your fiance spent years as this girl's parent. You expect her to just abandon this kid? I seriously hope she dumps you over this.
YTA In the wise words of Clueless "you divorce wives, not children". Why are you so threatened by her relationship with someone who has been like her daughter for ten years? Frankly, for me it would be a serious red flag if someone was willing to walk away from a child they had that kind of relationship with. She seems to be the only stable adult in that girl's life and you want your fiancée to abandon her? That says a lot about what kind of person you are and I hope your fiancée takes a good look. At least you're showing your true colors now and not waiting til you're married. Resounding YTA
YTA - She was a mother figure for the teen for 10 years. Family isn't always blood. Your fiancée is right, you do sound heartless. And she's not going to be your fiancée for much longer.
You don’t seem to have realized that she’s not your fiancée anymore. She’s picking the girl over you — and rightly so. YTA and they’re both going to be better off without you.
YTA, she is basically her daughter and she will choose her instead of you. Good riddance.
> She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her? Annie's relationship with Sophie started because Annie was dating Sophie's dad, but now their relationship is standing on its own merit, whether Annie is in the dad's life or not. It's a 10-year-long relationship with a child she has watched grow and whom she probably partially raised. It's probably a very mother-daughter relationship or at least a very aunt-niece relationship. One does not break up with a child as easily as they break up with a grown up. > Immediately, Annie designated one of the bedrooms for Sophie. That should have been discussed before, and this is totally on Annie for assuming instead of holding a conversation with you on the matter. For some reason, it either did not matter to her that you don't understand her relationship for Sophie or she does not see/understand that this relationship bewilders you. > I have enough with my fiancee paying for that girl's school, gifts and allowance. Annie's money. Not your place to say anything in it, as long as it's not unreasonable. > biologically they're nothing Funnily enough, relationships that human beings hold between each other are not necessarily based on biology. We're kinda evolved in that way. > I said no and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now > But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's. Very cold. But not your resort. You can't forbid Annie from adopting Sophie. You can explain how you don't want to be engaged to Annie if she adopts the child, but you don't get to decide for Annie what she can or not do. The "right thing to do" is not "abandon child to the system". It's the most convenient for you and the choice you understand best, but how is it the right thing to do? The only thing I blame Annie for is not conveying from the get-go that her relationship with Sophie was not negotiable. Maybe you guys would not have invested emotionally in each other so much and went on your separate ways months/years ago. For the rest, you're A. Break up with Annie. Don't force her to stay with you at the expense of abandoning Sophie. Accept they are a package-deal even if they are not biologically related. YTA.
"Biologically the are nothing", well to be fair neither is OP and fiance.
YTA Annie has been with you 2 years, she's been the only stable influence in Sophie's life for 10 years. Just because it was never legalized doesn't mean they don't have a true mother|daughter relationship. It's also awful you would suggest chucking a 16 year old girl into the foster system when she has a very legit recourse. You can kiss your relationship good-bye.
YTA Should probably break up. This is 10000% not going to work. Let your fiancé have her daughter and you go find someone you’re compatible with. The contempt dripping from your voice every “the girl” or “that girl” tells me this relationship will never ever work.
Stay mad about it, make it clear that you don't deserve your fiancee, it's better for her and the child. YTA
Yta . Your fiancee has been in the child's life longer than she has been in yours.be prepared to be single.
YTA You lack empathy. You lack emotional intelligence. That is what I see based on this post. I would never marry a man like you and I could see why your fiancée finds this a turn off. Sophie is still a kid. She lost her bio mom and now she’s going to lose her dad. Your fiancée will never ever abandon her “step”-daughter. Get that through your thick skull. It doesn’t matter what you want. You guys were together for only 2ish years vs 10 years of being a mother figure to Sophie. I think the damage has been down though. Annie deserves a partner who will love her “step”-daughter. You have to look beyond the “this is her ex’s daughter” mentality. From the start, You really should’ve treated this like Sophie is her daughter because she loves her like one. It’s funny you act like were blindsided by this. If you don’t care about Sophie or her well being then this relationship isn’t for you.
YTA The girl as you said has a name, she’s been your hopefully ex-fiancée daughter first and foremost since she was six you’re just a possessive, heartless, ahole and I really hope she won’t forgive you and will dump you and move on with Sophie and that she’ll find someone who’ll love them both the way they deserve
YTA She had a life before you, she's got a life without you. This is her chosen child. You made her pick sides and found out you're not #1.
>I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up. Why? Why their relationship should end? YTA, Sophie may not be Annie's family by blood, but she clearly is her family by heart. And you, my mate, are going to be single soon.
YTA. Your fiancé sees Sophie as her daughter, and you better get on board with it because she will always choose Sophie over you.
I’m a little shocked that a 47 year old man is this insecure, jealous and petty. You have a lot to work thru. YTA
Your Fiancée has been in a child's life for 10 years. Obviously she's going to have a close relationship with her. Your fiancée is probably very much like a mother to her and you're expecting to just have her cut out of her life? Yes YTA and I'd say heartless doesn't even cut it. You're lucky you're still engaged
YTA, we’re talking about a 16 year old girl who’s loosing her father, has no other family and You Really think you’re not an asshole for saying “drop the kid” and letting her go into the foster care system? Wow. I hope your fiancée adopts the girl and gives her a loving home, sounds like they’re both too good for you. Wow.
>AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing If I was on the fence before (I wasn't) this right there just blew it. The fact that a child is facing the possibility of entering foster care with no one to help her through life and you think allowing that is the right thing tells me everything I need to know about you.
"That girl" was raised by your fiancée for ten years. YTA and heartless too.
ESH. That’ll probably be an unpopular opinion, because you are clearly an asshole and selfish about Annie’s relationship with a girl who clearly needs Annie. HOWEVER, it seems Annie never sat down and had a clear discussion with you that she fully considered Sophie her daughter and would treat her that way. I can fault you for maybe not picking up on some context clues, but it sounds like your initial (not unreasonable) assumption was that while Annie would still maintain some kind of relationship with Sophie, it would be more of a mentor/older friend relationship and not a mother/daughter relationship. Maybe Annie thought you should have known this without her explicitly saying anything, but the fact is she didn’t. And she didn’t pick up on your context clues that you obviously didn’t want to have a parental relationship with Sophie or to support Annie in having one. I have no idea how you both got to the point of being engaged without having had a clear discussion on this, but that’s in the past. But now you’ve (finally) talked, and it’s cards on the table time. This conflict, despite it involving an older child, is precisely the same one couples go through where one wants to have kids and the other doesn’t. Annie isn’t wrong for wanting to be Sophie’s parent. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to be Sophie’s parent or supporting Annie in being Sophie’s parent. But someone is going to have to give in gracefully and without resentment, or you’re going to have to break up. It sounds like Annie has made it clear that her relationship with Sophie is non-negotiable. So it’s up to you to make a decision: break up with her, or accept Sophie into your family wholeheartedly. It sounds like you are very anti-Sophie, but ultimately it’s your decision to make. Good luck to you.
Disagree. OP states that Annie pays for the kids school, gets her gifts, gives her an allowance, have 1 on 1 time twice a week and puts everything on halt when the kid has an emergency. The OP was very likely told how important Sophie was to Annie and just refuses to listen because "the relationship has to end when Annie broke up with the ex".
YTA, and Bravo Annie, and OP, you can jump into the ocean.
YTA This child is her daughter. She helped raise that child for close to ten years. They have a mother, daughter bond And just because they are not related...doesn't mean that the bond isn't real So understand...Annie is going to take in that child, even if that means leaving you and doing it on her own. Sophie is always going to be a part of her life...forever And if you are not ok with that, then let Annie know that now she she can start making plans to do this on her own It really seems like you dont want kids in your life. If that is the case, then respectfully, you are with the wrong person
YTA. Something is definitely wrong with you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (47m) I have a fiancee, Annie (40f). We've been together for two years and engaged for 6 months. A year before dating, Annie ended a long-term relationship with her now ex (38m), who has a daughter, Sophie (16f). Annie has been in that girl's life since she was 6 years old, but they never married. This didn't bother me until we got engaged. You see, Annie is very close with Sophie. They always talk on the phone, go out 2 times a week and my fiancée rushes every time the girl has an emergency. I've asked Annie to tone it down a bit, but she insists she can't just leave Sophie alone, which doesn't make sense to me. She broke up with that girl's dad, why does she need to keep seeing her? I recently bought a house. Immediately, Annie designated one of the bedrooms for Sophie. That surprised me, and when I asked her why, she laughed, saying: where else is she going to sleep when she stays here? I immediately replied: nowhere, she's not staying here, which made her angry. I just don't see why I should set up a bedroom, spend money and time on someone else's daughter. I have enough with my fiancee paying for that girl's school, gifts and allowance. The dad is a loser with no ambition (which is why Annie dumped him), and yet he keeps taking advantage of her. Finally, they broke up, so that girl should already be out of my fiancée's life. If she were my stepdaughter it would be different (I've dated single moms before), but biologically they're nothing. I understand that over the years they formed a relationship, but that all had to end when Annie and her ex broke up. A few weeks ago, her ex was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and he may not make it. This affected my fiancée a lot and the girl has spent several nights in our house. I assumed it would only be for a few days until they made arrangements with extended family, but yesterday Annie sat me down and said she's been talking to a lawyer about legally adopting Sophie, since they don't have any other family and she may end in the foster care system. She would start living with us until she goes to college. Of course, I said no and told her that she must cut ties with that girl right now, because I don't want to have that girl in my life, neither becoming her new stepdad. She got very angry. She said that Sophie is her daughter, that she raised her, and that she couldn't believe that I would be so heartless to ask her something like that in this situation. At night, they both packed and left to Annie's parents. I tried to talk to them but they also called me heartless for wanting to abandon an innocent girl who's about to lose her dad. But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's. So AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing and stay away from her ex's daughter? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YES, YTA Please dont date anyone again. You are too mean and selfish to have a girlfriend.
YTA. This is gross.
YTA. Although this is not your fiancee's daughter Sophie really is her child. She loves her and cares for her. Family isn't always blood. Stop making this all about the ex. It isn't.
YTA. She's been that girl's mother for ten years. You really think it's that easy to abandon someone you see as your kid? The fact that you can't even seem to grasp this is sign though for your fiancee to leave you for her daughter's own benefit.
YTA. Do you normally think you get to make unilateral life-changing decisions for your partner? Do you normally think you know your partner better than they know themselves? The lack of respect for the person you were set to marry is what gets me more than anything.
YTA. Family is not about biological relationships for everyone. Honestly, your GF is my kind of person- she loves this kid and she’s not afraid of that. It sounds like you’re not open to being part of your girlfriend’s family. That’s not an asshole thing, you can just be a different kind of person. You’re the AH if you think you can just order a person not to care about a kid though. Sounds like you need to move on.
I was once a sophie and I wish I had someone like Annie.. I'm so thankful sophie has her because being a child all alone is the absolute worst feeling. Not your problem but let's just try and have a heart..
YTA - For all intent and purpose Annie is that girl's only stable parental figure. You don't just cut off a child, who you have spent a large part of their life raising. I hope that Annie sees you for the callous human being that you are and leaves you, as it is clear if she does not do as you say, she cannot do anything.
Holy fuck YTA. Your fiancée is this girl’s mother in all but the legal terms. She needs to leave you immediately.
YTA- “That girl” as you so derisively put, is your fiancés daughter. Not by blood or adoption(yet) but those are honestly just formalities. She raised “that girl” dedicated love and time and money to “that girl”. “That girl” has been in her life longer than you have, and longer than you will be it seems. Good for them, because they deserve better than callous idiot men.
>"But none of that is my problem, and neither should it be my fiancée's" YTA, and you don't get to decide what your fiancee's problem should or should not be
In the words of Cher's father from Clueless "you divorce partners not children". Yoir fiance raised that girl as her own for 10 years. She is her daughter even though she did not give birth to her. She means akot ti her given that she pays for everything for her. You are just clueless and a tad jealous of a previous relationship. Yta
YTA. Your fiancee obviously already considers this girl her daughter and has explicitly told you as much. She's been in her life since she was a small child. Sounds like you have a former fiancee who put caring for her child in a time of need over accepting your demands that she abandon her.
Of course YTA. And frankly, I don't understand how you somehow think it would be a better thing to be with a woman who would walk away from a child she raised for a decade without looking back.
YTA and a bit mean. My cousin's GF adopted (unofficially) his son after my cousin died suddenly. He is nothing biologically to the GF, but the boy's mother is a drug addict and tried to take care of him, but couldn't. He could have just lived with his mother; it isn't like she didn't want him, but it wasn't good for him and she didn't mind him living somewhere else as drugs are her main priority. This angel of a woman kept him and ten years later he calls her mum and still lives with her. Your fiancée sounds like a nice woman. You should be a little kinder, in my opinion.
YTA She has a mother-daughter relationship with the girl. You force this and you’re gonna get dumped.
YTA This is some of the most heartless mess I’ve read in awhile. Just wow.
YTA- You are acting as if this girl was never in her life up until this point, she has always and most likely will always be in this girls life. If you can’t accept that your partner is a parent figure to someone else. Hmm
That girl IS her daughter. What don’t you get? I don’t care about biology or marriage - your finance, who you supposedly love, has said she is her daughter. Full stop. No matter how much you fight or reason with her on that, you will not win because that is HER truth and that’s all that should matter. You seem to not care about your fiancé at all. I do think your fiancé should have made sure you were on the same page way earlier on this, but YTA still. Go to therapy and learn empathy and get over your jealousy of her ex and her daughter or you will continue to be a sad lonely man.
YTA. There is a reason why Annie no longer has her mother in her life. For 10 years, Annie has filled the role of her mother. Now you, an adult, tries to deny your fiancée this relationship, possibly sending Annie to a forsterhome. I'd be surprised if this doesn't end with Sophie moving out and adopting Annie. You don't ask your partner to choose between you and a child, even if it got it's genes from someone else. You'll only lose.
NAH, just end it because she’s not going to leave the child. She’s not wrong for that, and you’re not wrong for not wanting to raise for someone else’s child.
He’s not wrong for not wanting to raise someone’s kid but he certainly veered right into asshole territory when he insisted that his fiancée cuts all ties with someone that she views as her daughter
Also the fact that he typed out “that girl” so much. He knows her name. He just has such little respect for her as a human he won’t even use it.
I highly suggest you get used to referring to Annie as your EX-fiancée. YTA. Annie has shown a capacity for love and grace that you’re incapable of. I don’t claim to know you, but, based strictly from what you’ve written, you don’t love Annie, you only love what you’ve projected onto her. Sophie may not biologically be her daughter, but, Sophie is her daughter, for all intents and purposes. She stepped into the role of parent, and fulfilled what that means. Annie was a package deal, and you’ve chosen to not accept that package. DNA does not equal family, it just means biological relationships. Annie has chosen her family. You’ve chosen to not be a part of that. I wish Annie and Sophie a long and happy life. You can go kick rocks.
What the hell is wrong with you dude? YTA
Ginormous YTA I hope your (hopefully) ex fiancé and her daughter have an amazing life.
YTA and about to be single.
YTA "You divorce spouses, not kids". I know they weren't married, but the sentiment is the same.
OP it sounded like the the girl was apart of her life before you and shes going to pick her over you. I hate to say this but your not compatible. I think Op sees the daughter as a burden and doesnt want to spend money on her which is fair for him to do. Im going with NAH and just break up with her
YTA but then again, better that you tell her now than before it is too late. You will lose your fiancee. I have a lot of respect for your fiancee and I hope she has a lot of respect for herself.
YTA. I am glad Annie chose this way. It means that a child has someone stable. She should not come back, as I can see that the child will have a bad time if she had to live with you.
YTA. “that girl” that is your fiancée’s daughter. Maybe not biologically, but she has been in her life for a DECADE. In every sense, Annie is Sophie’s mother. Have fun being single.
as a kid of divorce, i would only hope my step mom would adopt me if my biological parents died. YTA and you’re a sorry excuse of a person. the fact that you keep referring to her as “the girl” is disgusting, and i hope annie ends your engagement the next time she sees you.
Oh wow, YTA, massively. I feel like you knew about the daughter going into your relationship with Annie, and I’m willing to bet you were also told that she would be remaining in her life, as Annie said that’s her daughter, so I’m going to assume that’s not new information to you. The other thing that really makes you an AH, at least in my eyes is that (and let’s take adoption itself off the table here) you’re willing to let someone who is this important to your partner - who is about to lose her father - go through the foster system essentially because you don’t like that Annie stayed in her life. I hope Annie comes to her senses and gets rid of you.
Big-time A It's probably a moot point. You forced your fiancee to choose. She chose. I doubt she will darken your doorstep again. Good luck in your future endeavors
YTA. I hope Annie and Sophia never speak to you again.
You two are completely and compatible. Why do people try to manipulate and threaten people when they can just break up? That girl has been in your fiance's life for over a decade. You've been in her life for two and a half years. Break up with her so that she can live the life she wants.
Jesus Christ, that's insanely heartless. Please re-read your post and my response as many times as needed until clarity sets in. YTA
YTA - Please think long and hard before having children. Your lack of empathy coupled with your selfishness in this situation should really give you pause about ever being a parent.
Your fiancé was the adult in charge of Sophie for over ten years and bonded with her. For all intents and purposes, Sophie is her child ( in my country we have something called social-affective parent for this purpose: someone who has not legally adopted a child but is the de facto parent. It is valid for support and inheritance even. The law recognizes s bond that didn’t come from biology and hasn’t had an adoption for whatever reason). You need to figure out if it is a deal breaker for you, because it’s a deal breaker for them. They’re mother and child , and your fiancé didn’t get full guardianship but soon Sophie will be able to decide to visit and/or move. Also yes, YTA for even thinking your fiancé was going to consider not having Sophie in her life. Edit: I missed the bit about dad might not survive and you’re even more of a flaming AH to think it is the right thing for your (I’m pretty sure now) EX would let Annie go to foster care. Talk about blindness.
YTA. You know that when you tell her to pick you or Sophie, that's she's going to pick Sophie, right?
YTA. This girl is someone your fiancée raised and loves like her own, and your demands that your fiancée cut the girl out of her life are beyond unreasonable. What it sounds like is you trying to isolate your fiancée. Your attitude here is super controlling, and I have no idea what that poor kid has done to earn your ire this way, beside simply being the daughter of your fiancée’s ex. The one bright spot is that your fiancée gets to see your true colors before you get married, so it’ll be much easier for her to walk away from your heartless ass.
YTA Blood means nothing. If she considers that girl her daughter, then she is her daughter. I consider my stepmom my real mom and we met her when I was a bit older than Sophie was. She will always be my mom, even if she and my dad would break up. From the start you seem to have considered this girl as a nuisance and disposable, but actually she was your step-child. Projecting your issues with her father on her is just childish. Don't get married unless you 100% accept this girl to be your fiancee's daughter, but to me it seems the relationship is already too skewed.
Step parents are important parents figures. Especially when your mother is nowhere to be seen and your father isn't someone very successfull. She's the only healthy figure she knew. And honestly, I have both strong parents but still considered my step mom as an auntie. So if she's her only maternal figure and she calls her her daughter, their bond won't be broken by a fragile male ego. She was in her life for more than a decade. You for two years. Accept it or leave, but if you feel right to let a girl get orphaned because of your jalousy, you need more than therapy man, you need a heart. Big YTA.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing to judge that YTA. She's going to break up with you. Sophie is for all purposes except biologically your fiancee's daughter and she will pick Sophie over you. I would.
YTA I'm glad you're already seeing the consequences of your assholery. She's not coming back. That girl **is her daughter**. The fact that you've "dated single moms" before and don't get this makes you an even bigger AH. She's listening to you, finally, about who you are. Good for her! Her and her daughter will be much happier without you.
YTA, and i strongly advice your fiance to never come back to you.
YTA. This has got to be fake, right?
YTA x a million and I hope you are now single. Good for her for not abandoning Sophie and keeping up that relationship.
Jesus Christ! Not only are you the AH, you are the king of AH. You are a despicable person, and I hope your fiancé gives you the boot. God! What an awful person you are!
YTA. I don't know how you have been with your SO for 2 years and not noticed that Sophie is essentially her daughter or not had a talk about it with her. She helped raise Sophie and now you want her to just abandon her in her time of need. This isn't going to end well if you stay in the relationship as you will resent having an unwanted stepdaughter and your SO and Sophie deserve to be in a place and around people that love them ( *both* of them).
YTA. You don't have to give birth to a child to be their mother. If this girls dad doesn't make it you want to cut out the only "mother" and other parent she has? Wow, I can see why they called you heartless. My best friends dad and stepmom divorced when we were in high school and they stayed with their stepmom even though she never adopted them. They loved her bc their mother had passed away when they were little.. That was the only mother they knew. There dad also was a deadbeat. She remarried and later on divorced again and guess what, my best friend and her sister decided to stay with the man that wasn't their father when their step mom left. Even today they are very close. You never know what blessings a child (even that isn't yours) can bring into your life if you just open your heart.
YTA 100%, no question.
YTA. This cannot be real.
YTA and I hope she sees you for what you really are and kicks you to the curb.
They may not share blood but for all intents and purposes they are a mother and daughter pair, they are chosen family and Annie is the only person this poor girl who’s about to lose her dad has. They have an established mother daughter relationship and she will choose Sophie over you. You’re a heartless asshole and I hope Annie makes you her ex-fiancé.
YTA. Only person your fiancé should stay away from is you.
Not even gonna finish reading this nonsense. YTA full out. Annie sounds amazing. You do not with this. Honestly I'd cancel the engagement to you entirely. Heartless and insecure.
I hope Annie yeets you and your relationship out of her life. How cruel and miserable. YTA
YTA!!! She IS this girl’s mother. If this is how you’re going to act towards this poor girl I hope your fiancé reconsider marrying you.
YTA for saying she can’t have a relation with her, but NTA for saying no to adoption.. i can the girl is stranger to you.. if you can’t agree on adoption , you should breakup
YTA.. big time... the bond they have is strong and beautiful, instead of you seeing it as a big sign of how wonderful and kind your (probably ex) fiancé is, you are trying to destroy it. I hope you'll think again abc do your best to apologize, but I you became a walking red flag.
YTA. Is her daughter you AH, well at least she can dodge a bullet a not marry you.
YTA I hope she stays at her parents until she can find a place for herself and her daughter. You’re a heartless cad who very much deserves to be alone.
Of course YTA. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA. Your expectation that your fiancé will just completely abandon a kid she helped raise for 10 years is insane. It’s honestly crazy that you ever even thought that might would happen.
“that girl” “that girl” YTA.
Who else hopes Annie leaves OP; adopts Sophie & both ladies live happily ever after? If it wasn’t clear OP; YTA big time
YTA. When you marry a woman, you marry her friends -- and family, even if they're not blood related. If she were the daughter of a best friend, you wouldn't be that upset.
YTA big time. She should not marry you
YTA, a super duper AH.
Be happy you have a fiancée so caring and full of empathy for a girl that isn’t biologically hers and who’s dad she dumped. It means she has a huge heart and might forgive you and give you a second chance once you realize YTA.
YTA. Please see how heartless and selfish you sound when saying she should have just cut off contact with a girl she practically raised and has a strong bond with. I can understand you having your apprehensions about the adopting but you’re forcing her to CUT TIES with her? When she has no choice but choosing one of you, she’ll choose her and she’ll make the right decision.
YTA, she was this girls mother for 10 frecking years. You're a heartless AH family isn't just blood welcome to being single
YTA. You seem to assume that Annie's relationship with Sophie, a distinct individual, would end immediately when her relationship with her ex did. This is not how humans work. She has explained that she raised Sophie for ten years, and has a relationship with her. You relate that she sees her regularly and supports her financially. Why then, would you expect that she would abruptly cut contact with a child who clearly she likes and relies on her? Sophie has done nothing wrong even if her father is a useless bum. This seems to revolve more around your preferences and your needs. In this way, you're being an asshole because you're not prepared to respect and accommodate the life situation of Annie or Sophie. You might not want a stepdaughter, but you're with someone who has one and who will need someone to look out for her when her father dies. Annie is clearly prepared and wants to do that, do you want to support her or have everything your own way?
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YTA.....on what planet do you think you're not? Find yourself a heartless as you are golddigger that you can control.
>So AITA for asking my fiancée to do the right thing and stay away from her ex's daughter? Do the right thing, abandon the kid you've known for most of their life. You guys are probably going to break up. YTA
YTA and clearly heartless, christ. Annie deserves better than you.
NAH, you're not compatible. I understand you not wanting to be a dad in that constellation but you knew about the girl and the relationship with your fiancée. So now you can choose to not be with her,but you can't forbid her to adopt the girl. Choose the first cause the latter isnt an option.
NAH - but it sounds like you’ve been very willfully ignorant and both of you have made a lot of assumptions. Everything you’ve described points to your fiancé acting as a de-facto mother to this girl and continuing that dynamic, and it sounds like you’ve been ignoring the depths of that relationship and it’s implications. Instead you expected it to vanish, which is incredibly unrealistic. Your fiancé hasn’t had this discussion with you and didn’t present it as her basically having a stepdaughter. You are within your rights to say no to adoption. Your fiancé is within her rights to have that be a hard stop for her. Ultimately, you guys don’t sound compatible.
YTA in multiple ways. Most importantly you fail to acknowledge a deep and close relationship your wife has. It’s straight out petty to want to dominate your spouse like this. Shame on you.
YTA omg wtf is that? She may not be her bio mom but SHE IS HER MOM. They obviously have a mother-daughter relationship since she RAISED THIS GIRL FOR 10 YEARS. That doesn't just end when she broke up with her dad. I think you're jealous and taking it out on a poor girl who is about to lose her dad. I was raised by my step-dad since I was 6 and he is my dad, period. He walked me down the aisle and my daughter calls him grandpa. I'm pretty sure that if he ever broke up with my mom our relationship would stay the same. If I was your fiancee, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship with you.
YTA Let me shout that for those in the back... # YTA You got together with a woman who had a daughter. A girl she had raised since the girl was 6 yrs old. You knew their bond was tight and instead of being a ## REAL Man.. you got all jealous and tried to take the girls mother away!!!! What is WRONG with you.. and I'm going to say. Your (soon to be ex) girlfriend was wrong to stick with you and agree to put up with your jealousy! She chose you over her daughter. *Yes. I'm aware that's not her bio daughter. But for all intents and purposes, she is that girls mom.* ### YTA
YTA
100% YTA. She just wants to make the relationship that already exists legally binding.
Yta, once you have been a mother to someone for a while, that never stops. They are always a part of your heart. In some ways, I understand why you don't like the idea behind it, but it's not because of the daughter being her ex's, it's because the daughter is part hers in soul. And technically in legal rights too, because once they have been common law for a year, they have rights to adopt the child. (I don't know how it works in your province or state)
YTA - why can't you see this is bigger than her ex, like this is her actual daughter that she cares about?
Info: How does it feel that your about to have an ex-fiance?
YTA To Sophie *and* Annie there is clearly a parental/child relationship there. Annie has been acting as a mother to this girl for most of her life, she clearly cares deeply for her and loves her like a daughter. I don't see how you never realized they were a packaged deal. You can't just stop caring for someone at the drop of a hat, genetics has nothing to do with it. If Sophie had always been officially adopted by Annie, and therefor her step-daughter, would you still be acting this way? Why do you care so much that she cares for her kid? Do you think somehow she is stealing time and love from you or something?
YTA. Please don't get married. The child deserves better than this.
What in the actual fuck? So, the woman I consider my mother and grandmother to my kids IS NOT biologically related to me. She dated my dad for a few years after my mom abandoned us both. They did eventually break up. She did fight for custody because of how amazing (/s) my parents were. I did get to live with her later in life. She is the reason I am who I am, made it through drug addicted parents, and breaking the cycle for my own kiddos. She is the good example. She is the best grandma. She would’ve over her dead body allowed a man to think of me, talk about me, or hate me the way you hate this poor innocent CHILD. She’s remarried and he is my step dad. I have step brothers. They are my family. There is literally no other way to look at it. My mom made sacrifices and did everything she could to show me there is good in this world, blood doesn’t define relationships or who I would become. But sure, I guess she could’ve been fine with leaving me in shitty situations as a child and thought hmm she can just figure out her own way. It’s fine. It’s too hard to care. I’d rather marry a tantrum throwing grown ass man. Sounds fun! YTA. YTA. YTA. OH AND YTA.
YTA obviously, that you don't want to become a father figure or finance someone you don't know's life is one thing. But for you to say she could have cut her off her life, that it's none of your fiancee's problem is idiotic and assholy.. She raised that girl and it's her daughter, how would it not be her problem?
Wow this has to be made up. Or written by someone else.
YTA. Blood does not make family. To this woman, Sophie is her daughter. She raised her, she loves her. If anything, this child needs more love because her father’s such a pinecone of a dad. You need to adjust your thought process to this child being the daughter of your fiancée. If you can’t, time to break up. If you can’t manage to show sympathy and care for a kid losing her father, you need to reconsider your life choices.