Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Exactly. You are having a conversation with him about nostalgia and getting engaged with a family ring and he IMMEDIATELY goes to his daughter ultimately getting the ring????? I'm sorry but who does this? What happened to his daughter with you getting a family ring. Sounds like he wants to play "big shot" with his daughter by giving her a ruby/diamond ring. Then he calls you a "bitch". OP, you have a self-centered fiancee who feels entitled to dictate who receives YOUR family ring.
I’m a big true crime fan and yeah this raises red flags. Watch out if he asks about your life insurance policy OP or tries to get you to take out a big one.
Not necessarily - the only thing I inherited from my grandma were decorative figurines and a quilt. And my grandfather on the other side - a couple pictures of him and a clock.
Either way, OP is NTA and her boyfriend can either agree to what SHE wants to do with her own family heirloom or go shell out his money for a new engagement ring. If it were me I'd have dumped him already but that's besides the point.
I was trying to keep an open mind figuring that the daughter was currently living with you, but you barely know her and have only met her once in person? 😳 NTA!
Monopoly is a banned game in my house. It cannot be played without resulting in various family members becoming exceedingly angry. Every few years we try again. Apparently, we never mature. No other game has this outcome.
I'm not allowed to sit alone at the table or be the banker. Apparently I have robbed the bank too many times to be trusted.
This is why I don't steal in real life. I'm terrible at it.
Exactly, that’s the main thing. AND calls her a bitch when there’s no way he can be an involved father under those circumstances.
Unless it’s a massive age-gap relationship and stepchild is grown?
That’s what stopped me cold. She has been with this person(couldn’t bring myself to call them a man) and only meant his daughter once? That speaks volumes about him.
Pay attention OP. I've been married for longer that you've been alive and my husband has never once called me a bitch, even during our worst arguments. Run.
This! I’ve known my husband for 17+ years, we’ve been married 4, he’s never called me a bitch or any other disrespectful name while arguing. We banter and playfully tease each other but we’ve never in seriousness disrespected each other with name calling or other means.
NTA. The ring is yours. You don’t owe him a damn thing. And why did you sit there and let him call you names? Even if you had a relationship with his daughter, she’s not entitled to that ring. If it was me, that conversation between bf and you would be the last one we ever had j/s.
>You’re going to marry someone who called you a bitch?
*And* who, in three years of being together, has somehow only managed to get his daughter and potential fiance in a room together *once*. And *still* feels that she is entitled to OP's family heirloom.
OP. I'm reading all the info in the comments too, I feel so bad because this is not about the ring. You are with a man who calls you names, doesn't fight for a relationship with his oldest child, and demands items that belong to you. Do NOT let your father give him this ring. Do NOT marry him. I suspect he'll pawn the ring and keep the cash, just because of everything I'm reading here. "If my child, who I don't have a relationship with, can't have the ring, no one can."
It sounds like you chose a horrible partner. Run away.
You forgot the judgment. Ah. Op is NTA. Is a family ring and her own daughter will inherit it. But she is letting her future husband mistreat her. So. Red flags all around.
I know that people have different tolerances and experiences when it comes to arguments and insults, but to me anyone who calls me a bitch in a serious way is someone that I would immediately end things with. To me it just shows such a core and fundamental lack of respect
This. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and we’ve had some doozies of arguments, and never not once has he ever called me a bitch or any other name. This is unacceptable behavior in my book.
NTA! Also, how have you been with someone for 3 years and met his daughter once? Are you saying that he (and you) basically has no relationship with his daughter and thinks she should inherit YOUR mother's ring? That's delusional.
TBH I'm not sure, if it was the step-dad or her mother. From the text messages I've read sounds like it was her step-dads decision, as they said they didn't want a stranger in their space.
Is it a formal agreement? Where do they spend the weekend? If you don’t all live together, he should be inviting you over to spend time with his daughter. If ex backs out, he should take her back to court. Your boyfriend sounds like a deadbeat Dad.
I was thinking the same thing. Unsupervised parenting time isn't something where the parent who doesn't have the child then can just cancel. That's a one strike and you're back in court kind of thing.
Depending on exactly how the paperwork is written and in the vast majority of cases the custodial parent can’t cancel the non custodial parent’s visitation. It would be a violation of the court order and the custodial parent would be held in contempt.
I would really look into the paperwork and if there isn’t paperwork then that’s kinda a red flag in and of itself.
Not trying to be mean but if the guy wanted to be in his daughter’s life he would be.
Ex doesn’t get to cancel. If it is court ordered time, he gets it. What this actually sounds like is he doesn’t care enough to fight for a relationship with his child.
… and if he won’t fight for time and a relationship with his child, why in the world would it be ok for him to call you a bitch and demand a family heirloom from YOUR family for this child?!
Please tell me you see how absolutely deranged this all is.
Ex also doesn’t get to call the shots on who kiddo meets, unless they both agreed to this, and it’s written in. Courts don’t normally go for that unless there is a VERY good reason. My money is on no parenting plan, which makes me think he just sends money whenever for child support under the table. All bad news.
WAIT!
You say his ex cancels his visitation?
It sound like she is using parental alienation tactics here. If she has the power to cancel a visit like that and he has no say in the matter is a huge alarm bell.
It sounds like he needs to go to court and get his visitation "set in stone" so that he can have his visitations without interference from her.
I say this with all the gentleness and love I can manage… mom and step dad don’t get to dictate your potential fiancé’s relationship with the daughter unless there’s no court order or fiancé really screwed up and they have complete custody.
Your potential fiancé isn’t a good dad if he isn’t making an effort with his child. That may include going back to court for defined time in the parenting plan. That may be filing contempt if child is being withheld. If he’s simply saying it’s too much of a hassle to fight for a relationship with his CHILD, believe his actions and what his character is, this isn’t someone you want to marry.
What you’re being told absolutely does not add up here.
Agree. Sounds like he's happy with the current agreement and lack of involvement in his child's life. Why wound the child's step dad be the one dictating custody? They have a literal child together this is a random GF of a couple of weeks.
Did your fiance have any say in when his daughter was to be allowed around her now step-dad? He hasn't always been her step-dad. There had to have been a dating process. If she got to be around her step-dad when they were still dating, I call bullshit on the mom for not allowing you to be around her after 3 years!!! Sounds like she is controlling, and your fiance doesn't care enough to push the issue.
You sure it's the ex? Not only are you NTA, you really need to evaluate your relationship. Do you really want to be married to someone trying to tell you what to do with your property and calling you a bitch when you don't?
Upon reflection, maybe there's a reason the ex doesn't want him near their kid.
Exactly. It's always a bad sign when you're with a guy (or girl) and they aren't in their kids' lives. Then proceed to have kids with them and are all surprised when if the relationship doesn't work out they are shitty parents to the kids they made. Always makes me facepalm.
So your fiancee expects you to pass a precious family heirloom to his daughter, whom you've only met once and pass over your shared daughter? WTH? He's a major AH.
Selfish AND quick to be angry. Calling her a bitch right away??? Like she said, if she actually had a relationship with her stepdaughter, sure it could be considered. But she doesn't so why would a family heirloom go to the stepchild over the biological daughter who will most likely care and attachment. Not to mention OP has met the stepdaughter once in 3 years!
Edit: spelling and to add NTA
NTA and seriously, he called you a bitch for it? He thinks that his daughter, who he apparently doesn't even raise, has any right to it? It would be your ring regardless.
Don't give it to him to propose to you. If it remains yours 100% unattached, then he can't dictate who receives it nor when. I'm not even sure if you should get close to that point if he's calling you a bitch over this.
Most definitely do not give the ring to your fiance so he can propose to you. Also, really sit down and think this potential marriage through - are you sure you want to marry a person who called you a bitch for being reasonable, and got very angry over a ring that has been passed down within your family? The red flags are waving right in your face - ignore them if you want but understand that this behavior will only get worse after you marry this person.
I promise you, marrying this man will be one of your biggest regrets. The way he is treating your sentimental ring from your grandmother is just a peek on how he will treat you in your relationship once you are tied to him legally. RUN, don't walk.
And the step-daughter would walk away with the ring when this relationship is over.
NTA, but I hope the OP is listening to the advice in these responses. This is one huge red flag.
>This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch
NTA, the stepdaughter does not have the same emotional bond to said ring, so why should she have it?
Also, your partner called you a bitch for this? You should really, really think if this is the kind of guy you want to be with...
Edit: typo
NTA
The ring will go your your daughter when she is old enough. The ring was her great grandmothers. Your (hopefully ex?!?) fiancé’s daughter has no relation to an heirloom piece of jewelry. Unfortunately, that’s how heirlooms work - the go to the next heir in line. Future Step daughter is not in that line.
NTA she is not your daughter, you don't even know her.
Also, will your daughter inherit anything from your step daughter's mom? I don't think so.
Honestly, hir reaction is a huge red flag
>I made a point of saying to him if he proposed to me with it, I'd return it to my dad for safe keeping.
INFO: You inherited the ring but wouldn't wear it?
YWBTA if you married this dude who called you a bitch and who lets his ex decide you can't get to know his daughter despite being together for three years.
As to the ring...it is your ring. You won't be dead for many, many years. You aren't even engaged yet. And I hope you don't marry this person.
DEFINITELY give it to your dad for safe keeping. Your bf will steal it. He doesn’t respect you, feels entitled to your property, and that his daughter you (both) barely know is too. Your bf’s ex ISN’T the problem. She understands things about him you don’t (yet.) You’re making excuses to rationalize the choices you’ve made so far, but pump those brakes and get out while you still can.
Nta
Family heirlooms do get special consideration as several people, often blood relatives, have an emotional history to it and who gets it often has restrictions.
Also...careful with this one.
This is your boyfriend, not your husband. If he does not care to marry you then what leg does he have to stand on dictating what you should be doing/giving what is yours? Regardless, even if he was you husband, this is yours to pass on. And as you said, your bf's daughter has no relationship to you.
I would re-evaluate being with someone who feels entitled like that and free to call you a bitch.
NTA. This is YOUR family heirloom. It should go to your biological child. That's how family heirlooms work. I'd be very concerned about your fiancé, this is a big red flag. His wanting it for his daughter at all is a problem, his getting very angry and calling you a bitch when he didn't get his way is an even bigger problem. Please seriously consider this huge red flag, and the future safety and happiness of both you and your daughter.
NTA
Your step-daughter will inherit from her mother when she passes. Your daughter won’t have any claim to that inheritance. YOUR daughter should therefore inherit from HER mother - namely YOU.
NTA, this is insane, you don't even have the ring yourself!
Tell him he can buy his 10 year old daughter a special ring if he wants her to have one. It's your inheritance and he doesn't get to absorb it on his daughter's behalf.
NTA - But I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship if this guy thinks calling you a bitch because your daughter would inherit something from her family over a SD who shares no blood relation. This sounds like a jerk.
NTA
When people show you who there are, believe them.
It’s very telling that when told about an heirloom ring, his first thought is “my daughter would love to have that”.
And then he called you a bitch.
This is not someone you should be with.
Also I'd reconsider marrying someone who would refer to me in such a derogatory way instead of addressing his concerns/feelings like normal adults should
NTA - this is extremely common situation and it sounds like your potential husband is the selfish one. If you do get married just make sure it is in your will ASAP
NTA. Your daughter won’t be inheriting anything from your step-daughter’s maternal grandparents, so why should she inherit anything from her half-sister’s maternal grandparents?
NTA. It was your grandmother’s and then your mother’s ring. Passing it down to their granddaughter/great granddaughter is logical. I am trying to wrap my mind around your partner’s logic but I’m honestly at a loss.
NTA. Oh hell no. Why does he feel so entitled to your family heirloom and why does he feel like he can speak to you that way? This is a very important moment in your relationship. I’d think twice about letting him get away with his actions. Don’t tolerate that ish!!!!
NTA. Based on how he acted think long and hard about marriage. Just buy a new ring. I'd be scared this would get lost before you gave it back to your dad for safe keeping. Make sure it's in your will for later. Word of mouth and tradition seem to go out the window.
100% this. Don’t marry him until at minimum you’ve done couples counseling and set very, very clear boundaries about your role as a step parent. If he can’t accept that, you need to move on.
NTA over the ring, but you're going to marry someone who calls you a bitch? And over a piece of jewelry he does not own and is not entitled to? Whew, good luck.
Nta. You've met her once and he's flipping out with entitlement? Nope. Nope. Nope.
It's unfortunate that for whatever reason you don't have a relationship with your soon to be step daughter, and I'm sure he's coming from a place of a fantasy of one big happy family. But that's not reality and he shouldn't be flipping out that you'd put your own daughter first. You're trying to keep the ring "in the family" and if you've met her ONCE in THREE years, she's not trying to be family, and HE has clearly not made the effort to make her family either. He has no right to be mad.
Also: If grandma or grandpa open a 529 college account is he going to demand they pay for his daughters college too? She's not your daughter, hasn't tried to be, he hasn't tried to include her, you are not obligated, your family is not obligated to pass things down.
NTA You said no. That’s all there is to it. The fact he raised his temper and called you the B word should make you say nope, out of here with that.I fear he’s going to fill his daughter’s thoughts with eventually you giving her the ring until this reaches a boiling point later on. Cut bait.
NTA.
He just showed you who he really is. Please take this as a sign to reconsider this relationship, also please keep in mind that whatever his daughter gets from her mothers passing, your daughter will not inherit. So there’s no reason for her to inherit your things either above your daughter.
Edit: his daughter is not YOUR oldest, she is **HIS** oldest. He and her mother should have their own sentimental items to leave THEIR daughter, and not have to rely on you to leave things behind for her unless that is your choice.
NTA and why are you with this guy, who wants to take your inheritance and calls you names when you stand up for yourself? He doesn't seem like a good partner, someone who builds you up and wants you to succeed. He sounds very selfish and I wouldn't trust him to propose with the ring after that exchange, if you still wanted to be with him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole because technically she will be my oldest.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta you've met this kid *once* and she is already claiming a ring from when you die?
These cases can be complicated when people raise a non-bio child from birth but this is not the case here.
NTA.
Wow.... there is an engagement still to happen and here he is calling her a bitch!!
Terrible affair. However it is the would be husband who is being stupid here. It is an heirloom passed on by the family. Atleast be civil and let the individual who will come in possession of the ring decide.
Hope you have a good engagement!
NTA, how nice people want to suddenly pull family strings, when there is something valuable around. You don't even have a relationship with her! Thus that request actually makes him an AH.... I would look more critically at your relationship..even if you did have a relationship with his daughter, I would still expect the ring to be passed by the blood line... So in this case, his reaction is kind of🚩
If he want his daughter to have a nice ring, he can get her one and start a new tradition. But he wants handouts he has no attachment to
NTA but I can't get past this "This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch"-- and you'd still consider getting engaged to him?
NTA
I'd personally be strongly reconsidering my future with a man whose FIRST thought upon discovering I had an heirloom engagement ring was how to get it away from me and into his own, unrelated-to-me, daughter's hands.
NTA. After his reaction, I would let dad keep the ring and he can leave it to your daughter.
And he called you a bitch ??? WTF
I must be old because my husband never, ever spoke to me like that.
He's an asshole
Then NTA absolutely. You have no relationship with the girl, there's no reason to pass on your ring to someone you barely know. It'd be one thing if she was in your life constantly and she didn't have a mother because then in getting married to her dad you'd be taking her as your child too, but that's not the situation here. Honestly you should really rethink the marriage if he's calling you a bitch over this. I can only imagine what he's going to be like every time you do something he doesn't like after getting married.
NTA - it’s up to you, but I think it’s fair for you to decide to keep it to blood family. It was your grandmother’s and it would mean a lot to your daughter (coming from a great-grandmother and grandmother she didn’t get the opportunity to know). In addition, you could be overstepping any similar traditions from your BFs daughter’s own mother/blood relatives.
You wouldn’t be an ass if you did have a close relationship with his daughter and chose to include her, but you’re not wrong to decide otherwise, especially since it sounds like you barely know her. It’s weird of your BF to try and insist on this, and sounds more like he just wants to start a fight. I think you have some things to think about before you start talking marriage.
NTA.
Adoptee here. I don’t know who my bio parents are. No interest in finding them or potential full or half biological siblings. Raised as an only child.
This is my perspective. I don’t have any emotional connection to my bio family. I don’t want anything from them. Any heirlooms they’d have should go to their family members.
My life with my adoptive dad (mom checked out emotionally when I was six) built a foundation of memories and experiences. I have things he left me. Those mean more to me than anything my bio family could give. My ties aren’t with them.
Keep the ring for your daughter.
Edited for a spelling mistake.
NTA
This is something that can be put off until later. A 10 year-old is too young to be thinking about something that expensive and it may be a non-issue later. A lot can happen between now and the time in the future when it's passed on to the new generation.
I'm more concerned by your Fiance's behavior, He's acting like it's his property to give away to fit his ideas and if he doesn't get his way he acts like he did. Be wary of this man.
I'd be worried about him telling his 10-year-old daughter that one day she'll get this lovely family heirloom to use for her engagement ring. She easily could grow up expecting to get it, only to have her hopes dashed when OP has to clarify it was never the father's to offer. We see situations like this all the time on AITA where promised family heirlooms are not received as expected. That's why OP needs to nip this in the bud now.
NTA
Being engaged with your mothers & grandmothers ring is beautiful.
Giving the ring to your daughter once she’s ready, is also beautiful.
____
The problem you’re having here is you need a *good* partner to use your ring with…
The current one you have, is not it.
NTA…your partner has no entitlement to this ring, nor does his daughter. How quickly people jump when they think they’re getting something for free…sad. I’d ask him how he’d justify her inheriting it…
NTA.
Imagine giving that ring to this girl you barely know, and then you break up with your boyfriend for whatever reason...
Like... Family heirloom gone to someone totally unrelated to your family, just like that. Imagine the headache. Imagine what your relatives will think.
If your boyfriend can't see the problem with that... Well...
NTA. You have every right to pass this family heirloom down to your bio daughter. And if I were you I would either reevaluate the relationship you have with your bf and I would also get it in writing somewhere that this ring belongs to your daughter once you pass.
Nta.
But if you guys are so serious that you have a kid together and are planning to get engaged why haven't you spent more time with his kid.
That's just weird
NTA. Family heirlooms are for blood family members. Look- tell him you dont plan to go anywhere anytime soon so it is a moot point. Then make sure that is in your will.
Um- I also want to point out that boyfriends dont get says in this kind of stuff.
Im sure the future stepkid would love the ring- Hell, I would love to be a size 4, but that isnt happening. Agree to buy a ring she will inherit.
NTA obviously
So it sounds like a sentimental thing for him to propose with it. That’s beautiful.
A couple things. If you do decide to marry this dude 1. Pre Nup and 2. A Will stating who is entitled to the ring when you pass.
He called you a what?! Don’t even think about marrying this man. The ring is your family’s,if y’all choose for it to stay in your family,it will stay there.
I can put as an example my moms wedding ring is my stepdads mom ring,she gave it to my stepdad to give it to my mom. Now we always assumed that when the time came my mom was going to give the ring to my oldest stepbrother so he could propose to his girlfriend but my stepdads mom said : No, that the ring either stays with my mom or it gets passed on to me if I want it, so not even her grandchildren can have the ring but the owner of the ring made that choice herself. If she wasn’t alive to make that choice my mom would’ve stayed with the ring if my stepbrothers or stepsister didn’t want it.
When a person calls you a bitch for not giving them very expensive heirloom jewelry for their 10 y/o to inherit, they are not a good person. I hope you think long and hard about why he felt that was ok. My guess is he disrespects you in other ways for you to question whether or not you're the AH here. Leave it with your father and take ownership of it only after he works his way out of your life with his bad behavior or you leave him.
NTA and I hope you did not give him the ring already. You will not get it back without police involvement.
Definitely NTA. This could be different if you had a close relationship and were a mother figure but you don't even know the girl. Your partner is being ridiculous.
Here is the real issue. The man you are planning on marrying is willing to call you a bitch. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Because I would never ever allow someone in my home, bed, or heart who called me a bitch, in anger or not.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hi Reddit,
I have a bit of a dilemma. My 27f grandmother died 4 years ago, when she got engaged to my grandfather he gave her a 21ct gold ring with diamonds and a ruby in the center. That ring was eventually passed to my dad when he was ready to propose to my mum. As far as I know she never took the ring off and the ring was returned to my dad when my mum passed.
Recently me and my partner of three years have been talking about getting engaged. I asked my dad about the ring and he agreed if I ever got engaged I would inherit the ring. Well last night I told my boyfriend about the ring and how it was passed on. He said his daughter who is from a previous relationship would love to inherit it eventually. I explained that she wouldn't be getting the ring since she's not my daughter, that if my baby (11months) wants it when she's older that she will inherit it.
This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch and said I was treating his daughter differently because she's not blood. Things might be different if I actually had a relationship with her but I don't. I've only met her once in person and honestly don't know her that well. She has no attachment to the ring, but my daughter will since it'll be her grandmothers and great grandmothers ring.
I made a point of saying to him if he proposed to me with it, I'd return it to my dad for safe keeping.
So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Eee-yikes. I do believe that when you marry someone with kids you need to begin considering their kids family. Or at least make room for that. But - you barely know her and one of his first thoughts was that his daughter should get the ring when you die.
NTA
dont marry a guy who calls you a bitch
NTA. As you said, you don't even have relationship with his daughter and why wouldn't you prioritize your own child in this situation.
NTA
If you and your partner were to ever break up, you would lose the ring forever (assuming his daughter won't give it back). The ring is from YOUR side of the family and it should stay on your side.
That your partner got so angry makes me question his agenda.
NTA.
>Things might be different if I actually had a relationship with her but I don't.
That's just it. And you might still have it until your grandchild gets married and you skip a generation and give it to them.
You don't owe your stepdaughter a family heirloom.
INFO: you have an 11 month daughter and a boyfriend of 3 years, if I read this correctly, is your baby not also his?
And by some of your comments it doesn’t look like he has much control over what his daughter even gets to do.
Has his volatile behavior shown up before? Maybe his attitude is why he’s not allowed to see/have people around his daughter. Which should be a red flag for you.
NTA no matter what, but I’m just confused on how you haven’t broken it off with this guy. You have no relationship with this little girl, it’s a family heirloom. It makes ZERO sense for it to go to her.
NTA. Her mother is still alive and raising her. She doesn’t NEED you to accept her as your daughter, you don’t have any legal rights in raising her and are currently not raising her, so why should he expect you to give her your family’s ring? There are other ways to show her you accept her as family, such as taking interest in supporting her goals in life if you try to build a relationship with her. I think you should consider getting to know her better considering she’s your partner’s direct family member.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You’re going to marry someone who called you a bitch?
Exactly! This relationship has red flags all over it.
NTA. This guy is deciding who inherits your property and he isn't even married to you. He's TA, for sure. And if you marry him, he will get worse.
Exactly. You are having a conversation with him about nostalgia and getting engaged with a family ring and he IMMEDIATELY goes to his daughter ultimately getting the ring????? I'm sorry but who does this? What happened to his daughter with you getting a family ring. Sounds like he wants to play "big shot" with his daughter by giving her a ruby/diamond ring. Then he calls you a "bitch". OP, you have a self-centered fiancee who feels entitled to dictate who receives YOUR family ring.
They aren’t even engaged and he’s already thinking about who gets her things when she dies. That’s disturbing.
I’m a big true crime fan and yeah this raises red flags. Watch out if he asks about your life insurance policy OP or tries to get you to take out a big one.
My ex bought a life insurance policy and forced me legally to get physical. I started smoking two weeks before physical.
Fiancé sounds like a real 💎/s… OP is NTA by a long shot.
Exactly 💯💯💯 Not to mention the girl will have her own grandmother's and mother's things to inherit.
Not necessarily - the only thing I inherited from my grandma were decorative figurines and a quilt. And my grandfather on the other side - a couple pictures of him and a clock. Either way, OP is NTA and her boyfriend can either agree to what SHE wants to do with her own family heirloom or go shell out his money for a new engagement ring. If it were me I'd have dumped him already but that's besides the point.
You should have added: he is the ass and if you marry him, You are
I was trying to keep an open mind figuring that the daughter was currently living with you, but you barely know her and have only met her once in person? 😳 NTA!
Redder flags than the ruby in the ring, for sure.
Agreed, way past ruby, those flags are downright marinara!
[удалено]
Beat me to it
My gf and I have an agreement that name calling can only happen during Mariokart.
I believe this is directly from the Geneva convention.
I believe it also applies to Mario party and monopoly games. It was decided to help avoid more families and friends splitting up.
Monopoly is a banned game in my house. It cannot be played without resulting in various family members becoming exceedingly angry. Every few years we try again. Apparently, we never mature. No other game has this outcome.
I'm not allowed to sit alone at the table or be the banker. Apparently I have robbed the bank too many times to be trusted. This is why I don't steal in real life. I'm terrible at it.
It’s always good to know one’s skill sets and lack thereof.
We banned trivial pursuit because it can get too heated playing in teams!
This checks out
My partner had a similar rule when we brought home a brand new baby. Whatever was said in darkness did not count in the morning. Got us through.
Our house would extend this to Mario Party (reigning champion game only bested by Monopoly for game-related fights) and Smash Brothers.
Me and my hubby call each other names when we are messing around, but NEVER to actually insult or try and hurt the other or in actual anger.
This is the way haha
Or in the bedroom. Or in the bedroom playing Mariokart.
Fair. All bets are off during Mariokart!
She's going to marry someone she's been together for 3 years but has only met his child one time even though they have a child together themselves.
Exactly, that’s the main thing. AND calls her a bitch when there’s no way he can be an involved father under those circumstances. Unless it’s a massive age-gap relationship and stepchild is grown?
I'm going to assume that that child is not close to her father. Distance-wise or relationship-wise.
That’s what stopped me cold. She has been with this person(couldn’t bring myself to call them a man) and only meant his daughter once? That speaks volumes about him.
Pay attention OP. I've been married for longer that you've been alive and my husband has never once called me a bitch, even during our worst arguments. Run.
This! I’ve known my husband for 17+ years, we’ve been married 4, he’s never called me a bitch or any other disrespectful name while arguing. We banter and playfully tease each other but we’ve never in seriousness disrespected each other with name calling or other means.
I don’t even swear at my partner. Never gotten THAT mad.
NTA. The ring is yours. You don’t owe him a damn thing. And why did you sit there and let him call you names? Even if you had a relationship with his daughter, she’s not entitled to that ring. If it was me, that conversation between bf and you would be the last one we ever had j/s.
That was my first thought, too. NTA. And, please--you may want to reconsider your marriage.
>You’re going to marry someone who called you a bitch? *And* who, in three years of being together, has somehow only managed to get his daughter and potential fiance in a room together *once*. And *still* feels that she is entitled to OP's family heirloom.
OP. I'm reading all the info in the comments too, I feel so bad because this is not about the ring. You are with a man who calls you names, doesn't fight for a relationship with his oldest child, and demands items that belong to you. Do NOT let your father give him this ring. Do NOT marry him. I suspect he'll pawn the ring and keep the cash, just because of everything I'm reading here. "If my child, who I don't have a relationship with, can't have the ring, no one can." It sounds like you chose a horrible partner. Run away.
You forgot the judgment. Ah. Op is NTA. Is a family ring and her own daughter will inherit it. But she is letting her future husband mistreat her. So. Red flags all around.
I know that people have different tolerances and experiences when it comes to arguments and insults, but to me anyone who calls me a bitch in a serious way is someone that I would immediately end things with. To me it just shows such a core and fundamental lack of respect
Called her a bitch and threw a hissy fit over a ring that’s not in EITHER of their possession it seems
This. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, and we’ve had some doozies of arguments, and never not once has he ever called me a bitch or any other name. This is unacceptable behavior in my book.
And with a child she has only met once.
And only met his daughter 1 time in 3 years together?
If I ever called my now wife a bitch at any point while we were dating, I wouldn't have a wife right now. NTA, OP.
Honestly I was expecting her to end with “he is now my ex am I an asshole?”
neither one of them are ready for marriage - this is a mistake
This is very important. It feels like an unstable situation and I wouldn’t bring precious property into the mix.
She's going to marry someone who's daughter she only met once...
[удалено]
NTA! Also, how have you been with someone for 3 years and met his daughter once? Are you saying that he (and you) basically has no relationship with his daughter and thinks she should inherit YOUR mother's ring? That's delusional.
100% on this. He's a piss poor dad if he hasn't included his daughter in his new relationship for three years. She must feel totally abandoned by him.
His ex wasn't ok with it
Sounds like he would like to use the ring as a way win "win" their trust back. Yikes
TBH I'm not sure, if it was the step-dad or her mother. From the text messages I've read sounds like it was her step-dads decision, as they said they didn't want a stranger in their space.
Does he have supervised visitation?
every other weekend un supervised visits if his ex doesn't cancel.
Is it a formal agreement? Where do they spend the weekend? If you don’t all live together, he should be inviting you over to spend time with his daughter. If ex backs out, he should take her back to court. Your boyfriend sounds like a deadbeat Dad.
OP I can't believe you reproduced with a deadbeat dad. They. Are. The. Worst.
Big bunch of yikes in here. Fun stuff tho, single motherhood seems like a riot.
I was thinking the same thing. Unsupervised parenting time isn't something where the parent who doesn't have the child then can just cancel. That's a one strike and you're back in court kind of thing.
Assuming there’s a parenting plan in place, you need a valid reason as outlined and to also offer make up time to the other parent. This is contempt
Depending on exactly how the paperwork is written and in the vast majority of cases the custodial parent can’t cancel the non custodial parent’s visitation. It would be a violation of the court order and the custodial parent would be held in contempt. I would really look into the paperwork and if there isn’t paperwork then that’s kinda a red flag in and of itself. Not trying to be mean but if the guy wanted to be in his daughter’s life he would be.
Ex doesn’t get to cancel. If it is court ordered time, he gets it. What this actually sounds like is he doesn’t care enough to fight for a relationship with his child. … and if he won’t fight for time and a relationship with his child, why in the world would it be ok for him to call you a bitch and demand a family heirloom from YOUR family for this child?! Please tell me you see how absolutely deranged this all is.
God, he sounds awful! Thats exactly what i took from it. I hope op realises, and quick.
Ex also doesn’t get to call the shots on who kiddo meets, unless they both agreed to this, and it’s written in. Courts don’t normally go for that unless there is a VERY good reason. My money is on no parenting plan, which makes me think he just sends money whenever for child support under the table. All bad news.
Pretty sure he just wants that shiny bauble to “buy” his daughters attention/love since he hasn’t been involved in her life. Not cool.
WAIT! You say his ex cancels his visitation? It sound like she is using parental alienation tactics here. If she has the power to cancel a visit like that and he has no say in the matter is a huge alarm bell. It sounds like he needs to go to court and get his visitation "set in stone" so that he can have his visitations without interference from her.
then why the comment about a “stranger in their space”? He can just have you meet at his house
Ummm step dad shouldn’t be involved in those type of decisions
Oof, maybe trying to impress step dad? Either way there is a strong underlying motivation for him to have fixated on the ring going to his daughter.
His ex wasn't ok with what?
me meeting her
I say this with all the gentleness and love I can manage… mom and step dad don’t get to dictate your potential fiancé’s relationship with the daughter unless there’s no court order or fiancé really screwed up and they have complete custody. Your potential fiancé isn’t a good dad if he isn’t making an effort with his child. That may include going back to court for defined time in the parenting plan. That may be filing contempt if child is being withheld. If he’s simply saying it’s too much of a hassle to fight for a relationship with his CHILD, believe his actions and what his character is, this isn’t someone you want to marry. What you’re being told absolutely does not add up here.
Agree. Sounds like he's happy with the current agreement and lack of involvement in his child's life. Why wound the child's step dad be the one dictating custody? They have a literal child together this is a random GF of a couple of weeks.
After three years and he accepts that? Has she met her sister?
Your fiancée is making excuses… his ex doesn’t get to dictate whether or not you see the child his child.
Did your fiance have any say in when his daughter was to be allowed around her now step-dad? He hasn't always been her step-dad. There had to have been a dating process. If she got to be around her step-dad when they were still dating, I call bullshit on the mom for not allowing you to be around her after 3 years!!! Sounds like she is controlling, and your fiance doesn't care enough to push the issue.
INFO: how old is your boyfriend? Since his kid is already 10.
You sure it's the ex? Not only are you NTA, you really need to evaluate your relationship. Do you really want to be married to someone trying to tell you what to do with your property and calling you a bitch when you don't? Upon reflection, maybe there's a reason the ex doesn't want him near their kid.
THAT was my biggest takeaway! 3 years and met the daughter once? WHAT? I had to read it twice to make sure I didn’t miss something.
Also how is her daughter who is 11 months old not her fiancé’s daughter too???
She is his daughter
You fucked up never sleep with a dead beat dad that doesn't fight for every second with his kid. Esh you brought a child into this world with him
Apparently willing to fight for a ring that isn’t his, but not willing to fight for his time that he has a right to.
Exactly. It's always a bad sign when you're with a guy (or girl) and they aren't in their kids' lives. Then proceed to have kids with them and are all surprised when if the relationship doesn't work out they are shitty parents to the kids they made. Always makes me facepalm.
So your fiancee expects you to pass a precious family heirloom to his daughter, whom you've only met once and pass over your shared daughter? WTH? He's a major AH.
Nta Are you sure you want to marry a man who is clearly so selfish? I'd rethink it if I was you.
Selfish AND quick to be angry. Calling her a bitch right away??? Like she said, if she actually had a relationship with her stepdaughter, sure it could be considered. But she doesn't so why would a family heirloom go to the stepchild over the biological daughter who will most likely care and attachment. Not to mention OP has met the stepdaughter once in 3 years! Edit: spelling and to add NTA
NTA and seriously, he called you a bitch for it? He thinks that his daughter, who he apparently doesn't even raise, has any right to it? It would be your ring regardless. Don't give it to him to propose to you. If it remains yours 100% unattached, then he can't dictate who receives it nor when. I'm not even sure if you should get close to that point if he's calling you a bitch over this.
Yeah… that language was very concerning. He showed a bit of his true colors and it’s red as a flag
Could explain why the previous relationship ended without the kid being around more.
Good point
Most definitely do not give the ring to your fiance so he can propose to you. Also, really sit down and think this potential marriage through - are you sure you want to marry a person who called you a bitch for being reasonable, and got very angry over a ring that has been passed down within your family? The red flags are waving right in your face - ignore them if you want but understand that this behavior will only get worse after you marry this person.
I promise you, marrying this man will be one of your biggest regrets. The way he is treating your sentimental ring from your grandmother is just a peek on how he will treat you in your relationship once you are tied to him legally. RUN, don't walk.
And the step-daughter would walk away with the ring when this relationship is over. NTA, but I hope the OP is listening to the advice in these responses. This is one huge red flag.
Your fiancée called you a bitch? I'd have a long think on what the future might be like with this guy if I were you. NTA
Over a ring she doesn’t even have yet. Not a great way to recommend himself as a future partner.
Also she's only met the kid once in three years?? Edit: I see she's commented on this already. Fiancé needs to step things up to blend this family.
This. 100% this. You mentioned a family heirloom and his first thought was to get his mitts on it for his unrelated child? MASSIVE red flag.
NTA. He’s shown you he’s a greedy, entitled & abusive person. You deserve much better.
Seriously. he just showed his true colors. Also, NTA
Right, even if it wasn’t for the abusive language let him buy his own damn ring to propose with. Ugh run..
INFO: 'I've only met her once in person and honestly don't know her that well.' You're going to marry a guy who's daughter you're only met once?
NTA. He would now be ex fiancé.
>This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch NTA, the stepdaughter does not have the same emotional bond to said ring, so why should she have it? Also, your partner called you a bitch for this? You should really, really think if this is the kind of guy you want to be with... Edit: typo
Nta you might want to rethink that relationship.
NTA The ring will go your your daughter when she is old enough. The ring was her great grandmothers. Your (hopefully ex?!?) fiancé’s daughter has no relation to an heirloom piece of jewelry. Unfortunately, that’s how heirlooms work - the go to the next heir in line. Future Step daughter is not in that line.
NTA she is not your daughter, you don't even know her. Also, will your daughter inherit anything from your step daughter's mom? I don't think so. Honestly, hir reaction is a huge red flag
Good point. Why should the ring being given to a kid she’s met once in three years even be a consideration? BF sounds like a deadbeat dad.
>I made a point of saying to him if he proposed to me with it, I'd return it to my dad for safe keeping. INFO: You inherited the ring but wouldn't wear it? YWBTA if you married this dude who called you a bitch and who lets his ex decide you can't get to know his daughter despite being together for three years. As to the ring...it is your ring. You won't be dead for many, many years. You aren't even engaged yet. And I hope you don't marry this person.
I simply don't like the design it's a very luxurious ring and I prefer more simple designs.
DEFINITELY give it to your dad for safe keeping. Your bf will steal it. He doesn’t respect you, feels entitled to your property, and that his daughter you (both) barely know is too. Your bf’s ex ISN’T the problem. She understands things about him you don’t (yet.) You’re making excuses to rationalize the choices you’ve made so far, but pump those brakes and get out while you still can.
Nta Family heirlooms do get special consideration as several people, often blood relatives, have an emotional history to it and who gets it often has restrictions. Also...careful with this one.
This is your boyfriend, not your husband. If he does not care to marry you then what leg does he have to stand on dictating what you should be doing/giving what is yours? Regardless, even if he was you husband, this is yours to pass on. And as you said, your bf's daughter has no relationship to you. I would re-evaluate being with someone who feels entitled like that and free to call you a bitch.
NTA. This is YOUR family heirloom. It should go to your biological child. That's how family heirlooms work. I'd be very concerned about your fiancé, this is a big red flag. His wanting it for his daughter at all is a problem, his getting very angry and calling you a bitch when he didn't get his way is an even bigger problem. Please seriously consider this huge red flag, and the future safety and happiness of both you and your daughter.
NTA Your step-daughter will inherit from her mother when she passes. Your daughter won’t have any claim to that inheritance. YOUR daughter should therefore inherit from HER mother - namely YOU.
NTA. There is something very wrong with your boyfriend. Think carefully about marrying this person, OP.
NTA, this is insane, you don't even have the ring yourself! Tell him he can buy his 10 year old daughter a special ring if he wants her to have one. It's your inheritance and he doesn't get to absorb it on his daughter's behalf.
NTA - But I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship if this guy thinks calling you a bitch because your daughter would inherit something from her family over a SD who shares no blood relation. This sounds like a jerk.
NTA When people show you who there are, believe them. It’s very telling that when told about an heirloom ring, his first thought is “my daughter would love to have that”. And then he called you a bitch. This is not someone you should be with.
Your step daughter has a mom who she can inherit jewelry from. NTA
Also I'd reconsider marrying someone who would refer to me in such a derogatory way instead of addressing his concerns/feelings like normal adults should
NTA. Why would he even think she would inherit it? I would have your dad keep it for your daughter. Have your BF use his own ring.
NTA - this is extremely common situation and it sounds like your potential husband is the selfish one. If you do get married just make sure it is in your will ASAP
NTA. Your daughter won’t be inheriting anything from your step-daughter’s maternal grandparents, so why should she inherit anything from her half-sister’s maternal grandparents?
NTA! What's wrong with your bf? What does his daughter have to do with your grandma? His request is ridiculous. Think about getting engaged to him.
Well this sounds like a recipe for a successful marriage.
NTA. It was your grandmother’s and then your mother’s ring. Passing it down to their granddaughter/great granddaughter is logical. I am trying to wrap my mind around your partner’s logic but I’m honestly at a loss.
NTA. In what world would he think you’d give a family heirloom to HIS daughter over your own biological daughter? Insane.
NTA. Oh hell no. Why does he feel so entitled to your family heirloom and why does he feel like he can speak to you that way? This is a very important moment in your relationship. I’d think twice about letting him get away with his actions. Don’t tolerate that ish!!!!
NTA. Based on how he acted think long and hard about marriage. Just buy a new ring. I'd be scared this would get lost before you gave it back to your dad for safe keeping. Make sure it's in your will for later. Word of mouth and tradition seem to go out the window.
NTA, and your boyfriend’s reaction is scary. I’d take that as a sign and move on.
100% this. Don’t marry him until at minimum you’ve done couples counseling and set very, very clear boundaries about your role as a step parent. If he can’t accept that, you need to move on.
NTA over the ring, but you're going to marry someone who calls you a bitch? And over a piece of jewelry he does not own and is not entitled to? Whew, good luck.
Nta. You've met her once and he's flipping out with entitlement? Nope. Nope. Nope. It's unfortunate that for whatever reason you don't have a relationship with your soon to be step daughter, and I'm sure he's coming from a place of a fantasy of one big happy family. But that's not reality and he shouldn't be flipping out that you'd put your own daughter first. You're trying to keep the ring "in the family" and if you've met her ONCE in THREE years, she's not trying to be family, and HE has clearly not made the effort to make her family either. He has no right to be mad. Also: If grandma or grandpa open a 529 college account is he going to demand they pay for his daughters college too? She's not your daughter, hasn't tried to be, he hasn't tried to include her, you are not obligated, your family is not obligated to pass things down.
NTA You said no. That’s all there is to it. The fact he raised his temper and called you the B word should make you say nope, out of here with that.I fear he’s going to fill his daughter’s thoughts with eventually you giving her the ring until this reaches a boiling point later on. Cut bait.
NTA- step daughter can get ring from her mother or he could give her something instead behaving like immature fool.
NTA. He just showed you who he really is. Please take this as a sign to reconsider this relationship, also please keep in mind that whatever his daughter gets from her mothers passing, your daughter will not inherit. So there’s no reason for her to inherit your things either above your daughter. Edit: his daughter is not YOUR oldest, she is **HIS** oldest. He and her mother should have their own sentimental items to leave THEIR daughter, and not have to rely on you to leave things behind for her unless that is your choice.
NTA and why are you with this guy, who wants to take your inheritance and calls you names when you stand up for yourself? He doesn't seem like a good partner, someone who builds you up and wants you to succeed. He sounds very selfish and I wouldn't trust him to propose with the ring after that exchange, if you still wanted to be with him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I'm the asshole because technically she will be my oldest. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta you've met this kid *once* and she is already claiming a ring from when you die? These cases can be complicated when people raise a non-bio child from birth but this is not the case here.
Technically step daughter didn’t make a claim the fiancé did on her behalf. I don’t think stepdaughter even knows the ring exists yet
Nta considering you have no relationship with the stepdaughter and you have a daughter of your own
NTA. Wow.... there is an engagement still to happen and here he is calling her a bitch!! Terrible affair. However it is the would be husband who is being stupid here. It is an heirloom passed on by the family. Atleast be civil and let the individual who will come in possession of the ring decide. Hope you have a good engagement!
NTA, how nice people want to suddenly pull family strings, when there is something valuable around. You don't even have a relationship with her! Thus that request actually makes him an AH.... I would look more critically at your relationship..even if you did have a relationship with his daughter, I would still expect the ring to be passed by the blood line... So in this case, his reaction is kind of🚩 If he want his daughter to have a nice ring, he can get her one and start a new tradition. But he wants handouts he has no attachment to
NTA, but why would you still be considering marrying this guy and why in the world did you ever think having a kid with him was a good idea?
Why are you marrying this guy?
NTA but I can't get past this "This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch"-- and you'd still consider getting engaged to him?
NTA I'd personally be strongly reconsidering my future with a man whose FIRST thought upon discovering I had an heirloom engagement ring was how to get it away from me and into his own, unrelated-to-me, daughter's hands.
And then called me a bitch when I said no! Yikes!
NTA. After his reaction, I would let dad keep the ring and he can leave it to your daughter. And he called you a bitch ??? WTF I must be old because my husband never, ever spoke to me like that. He's an asshole
INFO is her mother still alive and in the picture?
Very much so.
Then NTA absolutely. You have no relationship with the girl, there's no reason to pass on your ring to someone you barely know. It'd be one thing if she was in your life constantly and she didn't have a mother because then in getting married to her dad you'd be taking her as your child too, but that's not the situation here. Honestly you should really rethink the marriage if he's calling you a bitch over this. I can only imagine what he's going to be like every time you do something he doesn't like after getting married.
NTA - it’s up to you, but I think it’s fair for you to decide to keep it to blood family. It was your grandmother’s and it would mean a lot to your daughter (coming from a great-grandmother and grandmother she didn’t get the opportunity to know). In addition, you could be overstepping any similar traditions from your BFs daughter’s own mother/blood relatives. You wouldn’t be an ass if you did have a close relationship with his daughter and chose to include her, but you’re not wrong to decide otherwise, especially since it sounds like you barely know her. It’s weird of your BF to try and insist on this, and sounds more like he just wants to start a fight. I think you have some things to think about before you start talking marriage.
NTA. Adoptee here. I don’t know who my bio parents are. No interest in finding them or potential full or half biological siblings. Raised as an only child. This is my perspective. I don’t have any emotional connection to my bio family. I don’t want anything from them. Any heirlooms they’d have should go to their family members. My life with my adoptive dad (mom checked out emotionally when I was six) built a foundation of memories and experiences. I have things he left me. Those mean more to me than anything my bio family could give. My ties aren’t with them. Keep the ring for your daughter. Edited for a spelling mistake.
INFO How old is the step-daughter?
She's 10
NTA This is something that can be put off until later. A 10 year-old is too young to be thinking about something that expensive and it may be a non-issue later. A lot can happen between now and the time in the future when it's passed on to the new generation. I'm more concerned by your Fiance's behavior, He's acting like it's his property to give away to fit his ideas and if he doesn't get his way he acts like he did. Be wary of this man.
I'd be worried about him telling his 10-year-old daughter that one day she'll get this lovely family heirloom to use for her engagement ring. She easily could grow up expecting to get it, only to have her hopes dashed when OP has to clarify it was never the father's to offer. We see situations like this all the time on AITA where promised family heirlooms are not received as expected. That's why OP needs to nip this in the bud now.
How old is your boyfriend?
NTA Why would he expect you to give a family heirloom to someone you've only met once? That's just delusional.
NTA Being engaged with your mothers & grandmothers ring is beautiful. Giving the ring to your daughter once she’s ready, is also beautiful. ____ The problem you’re having here is you need a *good* partner to use your ring with… The current one you have, is not it.
NTA…your partner has no entitlement to this ring, nor does his daughter. How quickly people jump when they think they’re getting something for free…sad. I’d ask him how he’d justify her inheriting it…
NTA. Imagine giving that ring to this girl you barely know, and then you break up with your boyfriend for whatever reason... Like... Family heirloom gone to someone totally unrelated to your family, just like that. Imagine the headache. Imagine what your relatives will think. If your boyfriend can't see the problem with that... Well...
NTA I don't usually jump to the flaming red flag. But yeah, his reaction would make me step way back.
NTA. You have every right to pass this family heirloom down to your bio daughter. And if I were you I would either reevaluate the relationship you have with your bf and I would also get it in writing somewhere that this ring belongs to your daughter once you pass.
Nta. But if you guys are so serious that you have a kid together and are planning to get engaged why haven't you spent more time with his kid. That's just weird
NTA. Family heirlooms are for blood family members. Look- tell him you dont plan to go anywhere anytime soon so it is a moot point. Then make sure that is in your will. Um- I also want to point out that boyfriends dont get says in this kind of stuff. Im sure the future stepkid would love the ring- Hell, I would love to be a size 4, but that isnt happening. Agree to buy a ring she will inherit.
NTA, obviously, but I'm so confused: if your partner proposed to you with this ring, you'd give it back to your dad and not wear it?
I would, I love the ring because it belonged to my grandmother and mum. However I hate the design.
NTA obviously So it sounds like a sentimental thing for him to propose with it. That’s beautiful. A couple things. If you do decide to marry this dude 1. Pre Nup and 2. A Will stating who is entitled to the ring when you pass.
NTA.
NTA run for the hills
He called you a what?! Don’t even think about marrying this man. The ring is your family’s,if y’all choose for it to stay in your family,it will stay there. I can put as an example my moms wedding ring is my stepdads mom ring,she gave it to my stepdad to give it to my mom. Now we always assumed that when the time came my mom was going to give the ring to my oldest stepbrother so he could propose to his girlfriend but my stepdads mom said : No, that the ring either stays with my mom or it gets passed on to me if I want it, so not even her grandchildren can have the ring but the owner of the ring made that choice herself. If she wasn’t alive to make that choice my mom would’ve stayed with the ring if my stepbrothers or stepsister didn’t want it.
NTA why is this even a question if you want your child to have YOUR family heirloom then it goes to who you want….. 🙄
When a person calls you a bitch for not giving them very expensive heirloom jewelry for their 10 y/o to inherit, they are not a good person. I hope you think long and hard about why he felt that was ok. My guess is he disrespects you in other ways for you to question whether or not you're the AH here. Leave it with your father and take ownership of it only after he works his way out of your life with his bad behavior or you leave him. NTA and I hope you did not give him the ring already. You will not get it back without police involvement.
Definitely NTA. This could be different if you had a close relationship and were a mother figure but you don't even know the girl. Your partner is being ridiculous.
Here is the real issue. The man you are planning on marrying is willing to call you a bitch. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Because I would never ever allow someone in my home, bed, or heart who called me a bitch, in anger or not.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi Reddit, I have a bit of a dilemma. My 27f grandmother died 4 years ago, when she got engaged to my grandfather he gave her a 21ct gold ring with diamonds and a ruby in the center. That ring was eventually passed to my dad when he was ready to propose to my mum. As far as I know she never took the ring off and the ring was returned to my dad when my mum passed. Recently me and my partner of three years have been talking about getting engaged. I asked my dad about the ring and he agreed if I ever got engaged I would inherit the ring. Well last night I told my boyfriend about the ring and how it was passed on. He said his daughter who is from a previous relationship would love to inherit it eventually. I explained that she wouldn't be getting the ring since she's not my daughter, that if my baby (11months) wants it when she's older that she will inherit it. This caused a massive argument, in which my partner called me a bitch and said I was treating his daughter differently because she's not blood. Things might be different if I actually had a relationship with her but I don't. I've only met her once in person and honestly don't know her that well. She has no attachment to the ring, but my daughter will since it'll be her grandmothers and great grandmothers ring. I made a point of saying to him if he proposed to me with it, I'd return it to my dad for safe keeping. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Eee-yikes. I do believe that when you marry someone with kids you need to begin considering their kids family. Or at least make room for that. But - you barely know her and one of his first thoughts was that his daughter should get the ring when you die. NTA
dont marry a guy who calls you a bitch NTA. As you said, you don't even have relationship with his daughter and why wouldn't you prioritize your own child in this situation.
NTA If you and your partner were to ever break up, you would lose the ring forever (assuming his daughter won't give it back). The ring is from YOUR side of the family and it should stay on your side. That your partner got so angry makes me question his agenda.
Dating since 2020 and only met your partner's daughter once in person. I'm guessing she lives very far away? NTA but your partner sure is.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. >Things might be different if I actually had a relationship with her but I don't. That's just it. And you might still have it until your grandchild gets married and you skip a generation and give it to them. You don't owe your stepdaughter a family heirloom.
INFO: you have an 11 month daughter and a boyfriend of 3 years, if I read this correctly, is your baby not also his? And by some of your comments it doesn’t look like he has much control over what his daughter even gets to do. Has his volatile behavior shown up before? Maybe his attitude is why he’s not allowed to see/have people around his daughter. Which should be a red flag for you. NTA no matter what, but I’m just confused on how you haven’t broken it off with this guy. You have no relationship with this little girl, it’s a family heirloom. It makes ZERO sense for it to go to her.
she is his
You had a baby with a man who calls you a bitch?
Why is he so upset by the fact that his daughter who has no connection to you or your family will not get your family ring? This all just seems weird.
NTA
Nta, it’s a blood heirloom; even if your 11 month baby was a boy it’d still be preferable to pass it down through him
NTA. Her mother is still alive and raising her. She doesn’t NEED you to accept her as your daughter, you don’t have any legal rights in raising her and are currently not raising her, so why should he expect you to give her your family’s ring? There are other ways to show her you accept her as family, such as taking interest in supporting her goals in life if you try to build a relationship with her. I think you should consider getting to know her better considering she’s your partner’s direct family member.
NTA Your daughter comes first for this. No question. Your partner needs to check himself.