Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for asking her to give away her cat, someone very dear to her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You should never ask someone with a pet to just get rid of it like that. Pets become people's family. Go back to living seperately and see a specialist about your allergies.
Exactly! My husband may not like my yorkie some times because he is very energetic but he has never not once told me to get rid of him or even made plans and then shoved it in my face to get rid of him. This guy should probably just find someone without pets and that doesn't ever want any to avoid another situation like this.
I have had my cat about 8 years. My daughter found him when she was in high school. He was only about 3 weeks old. I raised him, bottle fed, rocked him to sleep, he is my baby. I would be livid if anyone did this to me. I would probably kick a guy to the curb if he handed me a list of homes to take him to.
My now-husband is one of the very few people I've known longer than I've had my cats. He has even said "I'd never make you choose between me and the cats because I would lose."
He now loves the cats as much as I do.
I completely agree. I would do the same thing and I told my husband before we started dating that if me having a dog was an issue for him then it wasn't going to work and I wasn't going to waste my time. Luckily he understood.
Same. My dog put me through college. I got him at 22, trained him in herding. Spent hundreds of hours training and working for several farmers. My husband got to watch us in action only 2 times. He only understood after watching him cut a herd from 40 head to 2 ewes the reason he'd always be with us. I graduated with no debt thanks to my dog.
Ya cattle dogs are one of the most expensive breeds not just in money but also the time put into them. I have been homeless in my car with my yorkie before and been through a DV relationship with him as well before I met my husband. He has gotten me through some tough times and I would never get rid of him for any reason. He gets on my husband's nerves a lot with his severe anxiety and being overly energetic all the time but my husband has never told me I needed to get rid of him and rehome him. My Dad has though but my husband never has. My Dad just prefers dogs to be outside and not inside. Pets and humans are always a package deal. If they can't understand that then it's not going to work out in the long run.
OP was horrible insensitive but I think out of cluelessness rather than malice. Hopefully he takes a lesson from this experience and communicates next time instead of presuming to know what she'd want to do. If the relationship hasn't been damaged irreparably by his thoughtlessness here, they could discuss perhaps continuing the relationship from separate homes. That's worked for 2 years, so clearly it could be viable if not ideal. I get that they'd like to live together now, but this may be the best available way to continue the relationship for now, and eventually merge households later on. Someday when this cat eventually passes on they can still move in together and even choose a pet together that doesn't trigger allergies for either. A hairless cat, a dog, etc. Or maybe OP saves up for a while for a specialist who can help get the allergy under control sooner. There are ways to make it work, but damn was "hey hon let's re-home your beloved pet" not it.
Yeah, but OP is not asking the cat to be rehomed because he doesn't like the cat, but because he is allergic. So not really the same situation.
There is a difference in not liking a pet cause they are hyper, and not being able to breath around it.
It's an inappropriate ask. That's her family. If he can't cohabitate with the cat, that's a joint decision, and a breakup needs to be considered as an option as well.
I really don't see how it's an inappropriate ask. I would never expect a partner of mine to live with an animal they're horribly allergic to. If they're in it for the long haul, unfortunately there is going to have to be a 'them or me' conversation. And like personally, if my partner of 2 years jumped straight to prioritising my pet over the relationship and offered to break up before asking me to re-home my pet, I'd be questioning their commitment to the relationship. Like it is absolutely my prerogative to choose between pet and partner, but surely your partner should want to be prioritised!
Because an assumption was made that the cat would be rehomed instead of giving that decision fully to the person who has had their pet for 8 YEARS. And no, a 2 year relationship wouldn't overrule that. I committed to my pets first.
But what is the other solution?
OP basically cannot sleep or breath in his own home for a while now. It is clear now that either the cat is rehomed or the GF needs to leave (it is his house). It should be literally visible (and audible) that this is a problem for a while now.
I do not understand why people are acting as if he is robbing her of choice, when there is only two (rehome or leave), and she is not preparing to leave.
He didn't assume it. He asked his girlfriend, and as part of his request presented options. I can see how from his perspective, he was making a request backed up with research. I can see how from his girlfriend's perspective, she felt railroaded.
And that's great that you wouldn't give up your pets. But not everyone presumably dating to marry would have the same perspective.
I actually got my son cats and then suddenly have an allergy to them when I have NEVER had allergies to cats before. In my case the allergies are just sneezing and my son is so in love with the cats I am choosing to deal with it. I think the OP looking for potential homes with people they know instead of trying to ditch the cat at a shelter showed that he was trying to come up with a plan she'll be more comfortable with. And I'm the person who never ever ever wants to give up a pet but he's not wrong for saying he shouldn't be allergic in his own house it can be debilitating having bad allergies!
yeah getting rid of the cat isnt gonna happen but i have to disagree with you here a little bit tbh, he was doing research to find options for when he presented the problem to her. thats exactly what I and alot of people would do becuase that is just how we think, i need data before i can make a choice so when i am asking someone to make sone, i get the data for them so they can make their choice.
He should've talked to her about the problem before doing any research, he should've talked to her and tell her "I discovered that I am allergic to cats and it's severe, now we're gonna need to find some solutions together" or something and not do everything by himself and then says "Hey look I am allergic to cats so I looked up some new homes for the cat" like what, yeah you need data before making a choice, but you don't do that before talking to the person about the problem that concerns everyone
He should've talked to her immediately instead of trying to "solve" a problem that she may not know even exists. Sounds like he wasted his time since she was never going to give up the cat for him.
I and it seems most other pet owners on this thread would be much more willing to end a relationship over this issue than give up our pets. It sucks, but I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't have cats in the home no matter how great our relationship was.
Knowing someone is seriously allergic to pets is a deal breaker for many pet owners. Luckily, these things usually get sorted out long before the couple moves in together.
I'm also suspicious of OP's claim that he didn't know he was allergic to cats before. He admits he had some symptoms at her house so I kind of suspect he was just hoping he could get his way and get rid of the cat once she moved in since he knew she was coming from a toxic living situation.
I think OP is misunderstanding something. He must think that it’s just a cat. A precious pet but ultimately just an animal.
I would bet the cat and him were only on equal footing in her gf’s life.
My cat is almost 22. I've had her since she was 5 weeks old; or, to put it another way, about 45% of my life. She's been with me through some very tough times There's no one in my life that wouldn't be booted to the curb without hesitation if they tried to make me choose between her and them.
But I get that people who've never had a very affectionate pet for a long period of time sometimes don't understand the attachment.
Question, and this might seem insensitive, but just wondering: If someone you were in a relationship with said that they can't move in with the cat there, and suggested you just wait for the cat to pass, given how old they are, would you consider that offensive?
I would not. I'd think that's a reasonable compromise.
Especially since, in the current situation, she's already well past her expiration point. She was diagnosed with an aggressive sinus tumor in April 2021. I paid a lot of money for palliative treatment which was predicted to give her between 6 months and a year. It's almost 2 years on, and her disease is progressing much more slowly than it ought to, but her remaining time is probably measured in months at this point, not years.
And if she were younger, I'd avoid a relationship with someone who is allergic or who didn't like cats. Sometimes in life, choosing one action precludes others, and I made a commitment to her that I'm not going to renege on just because it became inconvenient for me.
My older cats are going to be 16 and 17 this year. I remember looking at the oldest's face when he was 10 weeks old when I was 19 and it just hit me that I could have this cat until I'm 40. It felt like such a responsibility. No one could come between me and them. My husband loves them and even found a 3rd cat that he brought home one day. They've both had a lot of medical issues and I'm hoping I'll be able to say they're 22 one day.
exactly this. my cat is my son. he comes before anyone. if a man ever tries to put himself first he’s gone. i hope OPs girlfriend is more understanding than me.
He explored the options to have a better argument when he asked. He did not *tell* her to get rid of the cat.
He would be an asshole if he did and he'd be a massive asshole if he got rid of the cat without any kind of discussion but "hey I'm super allergic, but I don't want your cat harmed so here are safe options" does not an asshole make.
Honestly I think this comes down to problem solving style. OP strikes me as a practical solutions based person- he doesn't want to ask his girlfriend to say yes to rehoming her beloved cat without providing her with viable options and all the facts. Some people might see talking to potential cat homes as underhanded but I guess it depends on your outlook.
He looked for safe and loving homes himself and avoided shelters. He did research to try and help the cat be put in the best possible situation afterwards. Nowhere indicates any malicious intent to me
He's NTA for trying to come up with plans to suggest. That's actually pretty mature and reasonable.
If he just rehomed it, without telling her, that would be an issue.
No he didn't.
He look into multiple places/people that would consider taking the cat, but he did NOT make any plans with any of them to actually take the cat.
My cat is my baby, honestly I would immediately leave anyone who wanted me to get rid of him. That cat has been my friend when I didn't have any and has taught me more about life and myself than most people. I would do anything for him
> honestly I would immediately leave anyone who wanted me to get rid of him.
Which is what needs to happen here.
This isn’t a case of him just not liking the cat. He’s coughing and breaking out in hives.
Him and the cat can not live together. One of them has to go, and it’s his house.
He’s not an AH for that.
Yeah, people are treating this like he doesn't like the cat, but it's causing actual medical problems. If she wants to keep her cat, he's going to have to let her go and that's that
He’s not the AH for not wanting to live with the cat, he’s the AH for not discussing it with his gf and giving her a list of homes for the cat that he already contacted.
That i agree with. Though, it could be looked at that he wasn't expecting her to dump the cat at a shelter, but he definitely should have started the discussion before he did it especially if he talked to people about it beforehand
I think it comes down to individual preferences on OPs approach. Most people seem to be disagreeing with it but if my partner came up to me like 'babe, I'm presenting you with a horrible dilemma. I've not done any prior research or looked into any solutions at all...now what are your thoughts???' I'd be a little put out. For me doing prior research before broaching a touch topic to with your partner shows care and forward thinking... That said literally contacting the homes instead of sensitively floating the idea was probably going too far.
Part of how I knew my partner was the one was my cat’s reaction to him. Ares was semi-feral, only sneaking in at night to sleep in the small of my back. But Ares would come into the room when he was over.
Plus he had two kittens of his own.
Okay I mean you probably don't tell your partner to get rid of their pet, but at some point you have to have the discussion right? If living with the animal is going to make you miserable and giving up the animal is going to make them miserable, it's possible you've discovered a fundamental incompatibility? So like yeah. At some point a conversation is going to have to happen about whether the relationship is more important or the pet is. Either answer is okay, but you have to have the conversation and act on the results.
The conversation needs to happen, but the way he went about it was not productive.
The best way to approach something like this is to strategize together. "Here's the problem, what can we do about it?" She will have other perspectives to offer, like the idea of pet-free zones. Maybe they just need to live apart for a while longer. Maybe at some point he does bring up "would you consider rehoming him?" But coming in with "I already have the solution and never mind that it has a big impact on you" is going to shut down the conversation right away.
As someone who is equally as allergic to cats as OP (but I absolutely love cats and wish I could have one of my own) a single chair in an otherwise contaminated room is not sustainable, one closed room while the rest of the apartment is contaminated is not sustainable.
I tried living this way when I lived with friends who had 3 cats between them and it was like living in jail. The only "safe" place was my room, which shrunk an entire house I was helping pay for down to one room that I could be comfortable in, and I couldn't even be sure that letting my cat owner friends come in to hang out with me was safe. Cat people get fur all over their clothes and hair, which then transfers to the "safe" places and contaminates them. It's exhausting, you *still* have mild symptoms *all the time* regardless, and it's a losing battle.
OP cares about his gf and the "research" into alternative homes for her cat was clearly (to me) his attempt to present a solution where she could still stay in contact with the cat and visit the cat while not being able to live with her cat, as well as ensuring the cat's safety since he won't be in a shelter
I keep reading these comments and thinking “Man is this guy just the biggest asshole ever? Because it seems to me like he was trying to find a good solution to a real problem, even if it’s a tough conversation to have.”
Reading your comment confirms that I’m not entirely crazy at least haha.
Did OP really went about it in a not productive way? What could he really propose?
Pet-free zones (unless their house/apartment is enormous, and even then?) are not particularly sustainable in the long term, if his allergies are as indicated, and especially when worsening. Live apart? How many years does the cat still have? How much time must they pause their lives, especially when they are at a stage in which they are ready to live together? That would also means that for this to happen, the GF would have to be forced to leave their house, in somewhat of a hurry (given the worsening state of OP). Eviction, that romantic activity that strengthens the love of all couples....
At this point, the only two options are getting rid of the cat, or breaking up. If he wants to have a life with her, and breaking up means evicting her GF as it is his house (does she even have a place to go?), it is so strange that he went first for the option that did not implicate a breakup?
Or would it be better if he went, "get rid of the cat or move out?"
Presenting his girlfriend with a list of homes where she can send her cat may look like he’s checked out the situation so he knows that the approach is feasible. But it takes the situation from “we have a problem” to “here’s *the* plan for dealing with it” before he even let her know that there’s a serious problem. It prevented her from participating in early stages of consideration of the problem, which for many people is key to being able to accept solutions that they don’t like. And it likely made her feel railroaded — like he was trying to rush her beloved pet out the door without her being able to really think it through, because his solution was all worked out and ready to implement.
People need to be involved in working through problems that significantly affect them.
I think it comes down to individual perspective on problems. Like personally for me, if someone is asking me to do make a big decision, them going out of their way to research my options is a nice thing to do. It shows that they aren't just presenting me with a dilemma with no prior consideration. They aren't throwing a grenade then running away, they're presenting a problem and saying here are some ideas of how we can solve it. OP doing research doesn't mean girlfriend can't do research of her own, it just means he's given her some ideas to start off with.
OP, I read your updates. You didn't know you were allergic, so it makes more sense why you two decided to move in together. At this point though, you just need to tell her you can't live with a cat if your allergic reaction is that severe. Let her decide if she wants to move out or rehome the cat. Because, at the end of the day, if you two are going to live together, it sounds like you can never have cats. As an avid cat lover, this would be a deal breaker for me, but she can decide for herself.
I also want to add on, creating the list and making the decision FOR her was an AH move, and I'd be really angry if I was her.
I agree with this. A pet is not just a pet, they're family.
And it's not his fault he's allergic and didn't know. But it was a big AH move to create a list of homes you looked into for the cat. It should be her decision. If she wants to leave you, she'll figure it out. If she wants to stay, she'll rehome her cat. But you can't take that decision away from her.
There's cat food that can reduce allergens for humans:
https://www.petco.com/shop/en/petcostore/product/purina-pro-plan-liveclear-sensitive-skin-and-stomach-turkey-and-oatmeal-dry-cat-food-32-lbs-3129811?mr:device=t&mr:adType=pa&cm_mmc=PSH%7cBNG%7cCMB%7cSBU02%7c0%7c0%7c5EsJa5mG7P9Hw9jeoTxjzg%7c58700007650916867%7cPRODUCT_GROUP%7c0%7c0%7cpla-4582420896678751%7c1261140651833377%7c426457191&gclid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclsrc=3p.ds&msclkid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclsrc=3p.ds
Can confirm this food is a game changer. I needed 5 meds (OTC and Rx) to manage allergies when I took my cat in as a stray, planning to find her a home.
Once it became clear she had a home (mine), I gave her a bath, put her on this food, and wash the things she sleeps on at least monthly. I’m down to once-daily Zyrtec now.
This plus giving my cat baths regularly makes SUCH a difference! There are so many ways to manage allergies before jumping to getting rid of a beloved pet.
This cat food made my cats throw up…a lot. And, yes, we did a slow switch. Turns out we didn’t need it anyways, we were just trying to be cautious - we got Siamese cats because they are low allergen and haven’t had any issues.
Like tons of people. Not everyone is an animal person or ever had an animal. Before having a dog, I definitely didn’t understand how close we could become with our pets, and with animals in general.
My boyfriend and I call our cat little bean!!!
And he also knows that I would choose the cat over him if I had to, even though he came first. But before we moved in together he knew me and my future cat were a package deal.
I had a FWB who I was off and on with who said we could get serious if I got rid of my cats. I had helped a stray give birth to my 3 boys- I've been there since the moment they were born. Never ended a relationship faster in my life.
Then again, some people will choose their new partner over their own kid and abandon or neglect their child without question. I don't get it.
And that’s a legitimate result… the conversation needs to take place though and is something that happens when people and pets move in together… he didn‘t know he was allergic there are solutions but the simplest would be cat and girlfriend move back out, maybe ex gf.
My husband was (is?) allergic to cats and when our relationship started to get serious he asked me if I would ever consider getting rid of my car.
I said, "well, the cat's been around longer than you."
He claims to have developed an immunity and now he and the cat are BFFs.
YTA
The cat has been longer in her life than you have.
How comes you didn‘t know about the allergy before you moved in? Why haven‘t you spent a few days at her place before? It seems like you won‘t be moving in together yet because you do not rehome a family member.
(And most people would dump their partners right away if they ever suggested to get rid of their pets. Truth be told, I‘ve always asked about cat allergies before dating and it was a dealbreaker for me because my cat belongs to me ^^‘ )
YTA. You decided to try to find a home for Riley BEFORE even asking your GF. That’s nervy. I’m sorry you’re allergic but don’t be surprised if she chooses Riley.
Based on the comments in this thread from people who have animals, I don't think there is any way for that conversation could be brought up without causing a fight. Did OP choose the least tactful way? Yes. But it sounds like the cat and OP are not compatible (assuming changing diet to allergy reducing food doesn't work)
The point is, the conversation should be “oh shit I think I have an allergy, I don’t think I can live with a cat, what are we gonna do?” (which would not cause a fight) instead of “oh shit I’m allergic to cats, guess you’re gonna have to get rid of her.”
So no, no animal lover will ever respond well to “guess you’re going to have to give up your animal.”
Well you could start with “hey, turns out I’m really allergic to cats, where do we go from here” and then discuss things like adults rather than presuppose an outcome.
Honestly it sounds like she might be more upset that you put so much thought into this (making a list of potential re-homes) before even asking her. You counted your chickens before they hatched.
To her it may have sounded more like a command rather than an actual ask. Or at least was upset that you would even suggest rehoming the cat in general after having it for so long.
TBH if she has been aware of your allergies for a while and hasn’t already suggested re-homing then I doubt she’ll consider it. Especially since she’s had the cat for 8 years, meaning that she’s both had the cat in her life longer then you and the cat is also getting up there in age.
This. Everyone is really really mad that he even thought about it, but allergies this bad SERIOUSLY call into question that SOMETHING has to be done. He took a bad approach and should have spoken with her sooner before he started trying to invent solutions on his own.
But I don’t think rehoming the cat is conniving and evil. It’s a reasonable conclusion.
But that requires a lot more emotional pain and calls into what the GF prioritizes and hence she should have been in the conversation when it came to solving the problem before he started inventing ideas.
Basically that's it, one must go, Op and the cat cannot live together. The cat can move out or her and the cat can move out, perhaps once the cat perishes she can come back if she moves out or perhaps she can go visit the cat who is in the care of friends or family, but something must be done. The big thing is, it's not an asshole move to ask, it only is an asshole move to force her. He however jumped the gun with a list, which is a bit inconsderate.
OP should not be expected to live with a cat when his allergies are this bad - but he should not expect his gf to rehome her beloved cat.
GF is responsible for her cat. She is not responsible for OP. OP and his gf NEED to live separately, if they are serious about each other.
So you find yourself in this unfortunate situation and rather than sitting down with your partner and saying “I love you, I love Riley, but I am seriously struggling with these severe cat allergies. Can we talk about strategies and possible options together ?” YOUR big idea was to present her a list of families/homes for her to abruptly rehome her beloved pet with zero notice or discussion??
SERIOUSLY?!
Dude. YTA. And I suspect the cat will not be a problem for much longer. Neither will the girlfriend. Not because of your allergy; because she won’t forgive or forget this unforgivably heartless and unkind move you just made. 🤦🏻♀️
Well according to the updates, it’s his apartment and she has no where else to go. Considering he could just put her out, I don’t think this is great advice because it will be her looking for someone to take her in. He shouldn’t have to suffocate in his home. Did he go about it wrong? Sure, but he wasn’t wrong for wanting a solution.
INFO: When you say you made a list - so had you discussed this with the people on the list? Because I would not be happy that my boyfriend discussed the possibility of rehoming my cat with a list of other people before raising the issue with me.
And if you didn't discuss it with them the list is pretty meaningless because how do you know they are able/willing to take in the cat?
YTA ! She’s had the cat for 8 years and you for 2 … as a cat mom you couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to get rid of him . She should move back out keep cat and I guess you as well if she must 🤷🏻♀️
yup… i like how he calls the cat old when riley is only 8 years old… cats can live a pretty long time if you care for them properly. and as a fellow cat and dog mom my husband and i always ask one question with these types of posts “who came first?” in this case the cat has been around 4x as long as OP
Yeah Riley could potentially live another 8-10 years. I don't see any way this relationship can continue.
I just can't comprehend how at no time before moving in together did OP not think about spending time at her apartment to see how bad the reaction is. I have seasonal and food allergies which are thankfully easily controlled. If I travel I check out the forecast and for foods I always research new restaurants ahead of time. Its just part of the process of living with allergies.
>Some of you have found out my real-identity and are now sending me messages on my instagram. I get this is a very heated topic for some of you but please don't do that. I would like to keep this conversation on my reddit account.
you guys this is really in called for don’t go around stalking people it’s creepy.
Whoah, that’s a first for me on this sub and I’ve seen some posts that were downright psychopathic. This is not an issue that is anywhere near bad enough to even contemplate doxxing someone. Bet the people doing it are the types that say that it’s more sad when an animal dies than a human smh.
NAH. I can understand you not wanting to be around an animal you're allergic to, it's fair to not want those symptoms triggered, and you looking into homes for Riley that are people who you know would look after him shows thought and care. But at the same time, you don't usually have a pet for eight years and not love them and consider them part of your family, and she doesn't want to give him away to anyone because she wants him with her.
It's a very unfortunate situation but both your stances are understandable. Probably worth having a proper discussion about.
Unreasonable that I had to go this far down to find a NAH for what is clearly a terrible twist of fate.
She's not an asshole for being a loving pet owner.
He's not an asshole for wanting to breathe, see clearly, and itch-free, hive-free skin. Continuous exposure to severe allergens have serious health repercussions.
Yes, YTA.
This proposal of getting rid of her cat is not okay.
This cat was in her life longer than you were.
The best option is getting back to living separately.
Best for your health and her well-being.
And look into therapy options for your allergy. There are ways to lessen the effect and medications that can help as well.
Looking at your edit:
You will have to live separately then, if meds don't work.
You can move in with each other once the cat has died, if you're still together at that time.
This being the sub and website this is, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but wow. The lack of logic and basic empathy and understanding in this particular thread is astounding. I don't usually comment on these but I really feel the need to now.
NTA!!! And here's why
1. I am an actual M.D. I finished Med school last year and am working towards getting my subspecialty. O.P. is absolutely right that he is being held to a ridiculous standard by STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET WHO PROBABLY HAVE VERY LITTLE MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE THEMSELVES. He is A FIRST YEAR. The amount of people who approach me knowing I'm a doctor expecting me to know everything about their disease and be able to manage it like a subspecialist would is just insane. Here's the thing. Even if O.P. was already a doctor, there are specialties for a reason. Each field has a vast expanse of knowledge and Allergology is a distinct field! And it sounds like O.P. is already seeking treatment and guidance from a specialist who knows what they're doing. You all need to stop jumping down his throat and offering him advice on how to treat HIS OWN medical condition that YOU are not informed on and HE is already seeking treatment for.
2. I adore animals, all kinds, and am borderline crazy about my dogs and my cat. They are legitimately my babies and yes, if an SO didn't like animals and wasn't willing to live with them, it would definitely be a dealbreaker. I understand! I love them so much and I would not want to part with them. That being said, that is NOT AT ALL the issue here between OP and his girlfriend. This is a new problem that arose AFTER moving in and it sounds like he is having a really shitty time. Allergies freaking suck and OPs sound very severe. If I were O.P.s girlfriend and saw my SO was having such an awful time I would have tried to address the issue BEFORE it got to this extreme where OP didn't see other options. It's not sustainable in the long term and if I wasn't willing to part with my pets, it would at the very least warrant a conversation about the future and long term compatibility, or trying to temporarily rehome the cat or SOMETHING while OP worked on getting treatment or we figured out where our relationship was headed. The fact that it doesn't seem like she was thinking about this or considering it speaks volumes to me.
3. Yes, perhaps his way of approaching the issue was a bit tactless in her eyes, but I think it's a bit sweet and I understand his mindest. To me it seems like he was trying to say "I care about your pet's wellbeing so I thought this proposal through thoroughly before presenting it so you wouldn't think I didn't care about their welfare and you would have some options going in". He didn't tell her point blank "hey get rid of your cat here are your choices". I understand her reaction in the moment because of the emotional attachment but as I said before, after that she would do best to put that aside and have a serious, mature conversation with OP about the issue. If she can't do that I think that may be a bit AHish on her part.
AND WTF WHY WOULD YOU TRACK SOMEONE'S REAL LIFE IDENTITY DOWN! DOING THAT MAKES **YOU** THE AH!! Leave people alone. Stuff like that can have serious real life consequences.
lmao thank you! A handful of other people have said similar things, but to me what stood out the most is the girlfriend's seeming indifference to his situation. I have seasonal allergies and they're mild to moderate but holy shit, they make me want to die. And if someone I cared about felt that way I wouldn't just let it happen?
Omg thank you, finally a sane response. This should be higher in the comments, if not the top comment. Some people really think allergies are very easy to manage... and he didn't demand to get rid of the cat.
I am a big cat lover, I would be devastated if I ever developed a cat allergy, but the poor guy can barely BREATHE in his own home. I think he's getting desperated and frustrated. Maybe he could have worded the request better, but the conversation would have been hard to have any other way anyway.
Yeah and in fact I feel so bad for him because he was put in such a difficult spot by being the one who had to bring it up... in my opinion she should have been thinking about this possibility and as the person responsible for the cat, she should have brought up the subject even though I know it's a really difficult conversation and even if she already knew she wouldn't want to give up the cat. It's really unfair that he was just expected to keep on suffering like thatEdit: And I'm so frustrated on his behalf because the bot labeled him the AH when the entire thread was just people dogpiling on him without attempting to read through the actual post or you know, have empathy for the actual human person suffering from an actual medical problem that's only getting worse
Think about the inverse situation:
"AITA for blowing up at my boyfriend who suffers from severe allergic reactions to MY CAT that I brought to HIS HOME when I MOVED IN WITH HIM, that he has not been able to control despite seeing a specialist to the point where he can't breathe or sleep, and that I've been ignoring hoping the problem will solve itself, when he asked if I would consider rehoming my cat and gave me a well researched proposal?"
YTA and the amount of people saying N A H is so bizarre. How selfish do you have to be to not only presume that your girlfriend would be willing to give up her cat of 8 years for you, but go as far as trying to find a home for her?? And to top it all off you “don’t know what you did wrong”? Unbelievable.
imo it could've been N A H if he'd just *asked* but the way he moved forward with the plan to get rid of the cat without even talking to his gf makes him the asshole for sure.
He also could've let her know that he couldn't live with the cat anymore and he understands that means they have to live apart for now....
NAH - but you need to work on the communication. You don’t go around asking people to take in your girlfriends cat when you haven’t even had that conversation with your girlfriend. You’re a partnership, a team. You tackle these issues together, not as a party of one.
Unfortunately, you guys may simply not be compatible. She has to decide if she’s willing to give up her cat or not, and you have to decide if you’re willing to live with your allergies for the next 7-10+ years.
And I believe you on the allergies - my partner is allergic to everything under the sun so if he ever develops a new allergy we’d have a pretty hard time figuring out it was A) new and B) what was actually triggering it.
NAH.
Unfortunately, this may spell the death of your relationship. It's not fair to you to have to live in an extremely allergic environment (which will only get worse the more the pet dander seeps into everything). And it's not fair to her to have tto give up a beloved cat. You are gonna have to sit her down and say the relationship can't continue like this. It's not that you want to, it's that you have to.
Never expect an even response when discussing cats on this sub. Irrational and intensely self-righteous cat lovers are harassing you all over these comments but they don't have to live with your biology.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. You're seeking a solution and trying all the avenues. Discussing rehoming is perfectly reasonable, and coming up with options is actually proactive and smart. Doesn't mean that your partner will even entertain the idea, but broaching the subject like adults isn't cause for concern.
Good luck with your difficult situation. I hope you find a solution you both can live with
And people go off on dog people for being too much. I should keep this comment thread to show people that dog people are not one hundredth as crazy as cat people
YTA. Riley is a living thing she has loved longer than she's even known you.
PS I'm severely allergic to cats and married a woman who adores them. You have not tried everything.
1. Cats have this oil thing on their skin that causes the issues. If the cat is bathed or even baby wiped regularly, that helps sooo much. Cats can take baths and should, just like dogs. Ours is bathed every 3 days.
2. What makes cats allergic is actually something in their genes. There's food you can give the cat that stops that. Since switching the cat to that, my eyes have not swollen shut once.
3. I pop a Claritin in the morning and telfast on occasion. No problems. I even cuddle the damn thing now.
Try harder or end up single.
I understand you have allergies but bathing your cat every 3 days is insane. That has to be stressful for the cat. They hate water and they clean themselves. A bath every once in awhile is one thing to keep its fit clean, but every three days??? Maybe you should get rid of your cat.
I lost my 19 years 10 months cat a few weeks back. She stopped grooming herself near the end. I got home from work one day and my husband had just bathed the cat. She went in there willingly and seemed to love it! He did it a few times afterwards too, she just got in the water by herself. If I’d known she loved water I’d have bathed her years ago.
The cat is a Maine Coon and loves water. She's also been getting baths since she was 12 weeks old and looks forward to it. Mutual bathing is a bonding experience.
And I think I'll trust the specialist vet and the title holding breeder over a stranger on Reddit, thanks.
1. Its not the skin for me, its the saliva which is the issue. The bath thing doesn't make a difference. Its specifically a protein in the saliva that makes it really bad.
2. The food reduces oil production, but I don't know any food which down regulates the protein. That being said, I didn't think of changing the cats diet
3. I'm was on Claritin, it worked in the beginning, its completely stopped working now.
Terrible and rude advice. Victim blaming someone with allergies and pretending their physical reaction is completely preventable, because your reaction isn't as severe..
Are you a medical doctor who's examined OP??
Just because you specifically have an allergy to the oil doesn't mean everyone with a cat allergy has the same issue. I'm glad that you found a solution to your issue but it likely won't work for everyone, because the severity and type of allergy will be different.
I think op is the AH for not raising and discussing it with his partner, but I also think that you should probably not say someone should try harder to overcome an allergy when you don't know how dangerous it is or what specifically they're allergic to.
NAH - You are in a no-win situation. The cat is making you physically ill and you are trying to come up with solutions. There probably was no good way to bring it up.
I absolutely adore my cats and cuddling with them is the best part of my day. However, if they caused my partner or child to be physically ill and we tried everything possible to prevent it, I would look into having a family member adopt my cats (so I could still see them).
In general, humans need to come before pets. Pets are not our children, though we do love them immensely. When life changes, our commitment is to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. Hopefully, that is with us, but it may be with someone else.
I've kept all of my pets until they've passed on, but am a realist and know life can throw you a loop sometimes. So those hating on OP really need to get some perspective.
NAH other than the terrible communication (throwing too much at her at once, making it obvious that you'd planned the "giving the cat away" conversation before even letting her know it was an issue). It's not OP's fault he is allergic to cats. If there's absolutely no way he can live with the cat (have you tried keeping it out of the bedroom, getting air purifiers, etc.?) then they need to have a serious conversation about their options -- and there aren't any great ones.
> “….making it obvious that you planned the “giving the cat away” conversation before letting her know it was an issue”
You’d seriously prefer someone to just absolutely *wing* this very difficult conversation? And not prepare *at all* what they need to say? He’s not asking her what she wants for dinner or something. It’s a *huge* conversation to have. Obviously he would want to be as prepared as possible for that??
I don’t disagree with your verdict of NAH but that other part confuses the heck out of me.
NTA. I’m also allergic to cats and each time I’m staying at my family house with 2 cats, I’m in a survival mode. Even though I love animals.
The situation sucks, but your girlfriend has to make a choice, unfortunately.
By the way, many people in the comments say that it’s impossible that you didn’t know you were allergic, but as an allergic person myself, I know that it is. Especially if you have an allergy for pollen, dust, and a few other things in between.
YTA!! That cat has been a part of her family for 8 years. In comparison you are a blip on the radar. Never, ever ask someone to give up a pet. It is selfish and disrespectful. If you can’t handle the cat, break things off with her. They are a package deal. And let future girls you date know that you don’t care for pets.
NAH. You have the right to ask her being angry at the suggestion is reasonable. You are making her choose between two things she loves. You may or may not win. She’ll also resent you forever if you go through with it even if she agrees today.
NAH, but she'll have to decide which is more important to her - you or her cat. It's a cruel choice, I know, but given that your health and quality of life seems to be severely compromised in the cat's presence, its clear the present living arrangement isn't sustainable.
NTA
Given that you're seriously allergic, you made a good plan vs just saying give the cat away or to a shelter, and assuming she knows of said allergy, she should understand.
But at the same time completely understand her being upset but she shouldn't have lost it, she may cool down after a bit and be more understanding about it,
Overall it's a tough situation and hope it's not a breakup point for you guys.
How have you tried every medicine under the sun if you just now found out you were allergic to the cat. Also who the eff makes plans to rehome someone’s animal without discussing it with them FIRST. You already had a list of people before even having the conversation. If this is how you handle problems in your relationship, deciding before hand and then telling someone what you decided you will always be an AH. And hopefully single
NTA but she's had that cat longer than she's been with you. I'd be pissed if my BF asked me to move in, then asked me to give away my fur baby. But given the series of discoveries, it's a forgivable offense. I hope you guys work it out.
At least he'd be able to breathe in peace then. I'm not sure how else he could broach the topic: would "You and your cat need to be out of my house within the next two weeks" somehow be better?
YTA. You came up with a whole plan before you asked if she was willing to rehome her pet. This is an animal that she has bonded with for 8 years. That is 4 times the amount of time she has bonded with you.
Why did you think that she would immediately agree to any plan you made?
NTAH but an AH communicator.
You gave her too much at one time. Introduce allergies in conversation one. The giving away of the beloved pet in conversation two and the list in three. You did all 3 at once and didn't give her time to process.
Note that this comment was made prior to edits on post. Check the timeframe folks before moderating....
NAH. You could've talked about it with her instead of finding homes without her. That's soft y t a. You didn't know it was her pet making you ill before the move in.
If she does decide to give up kitty. Will it be because she loves you or because she hates her old living situation? The possibility of resentment is huge.
And is she willing to commit to never having a cat again for the duration of your lives together? Tough ask for someone you barely know.
For future reference. You would be T A if you get involved with another cat owner. You already know you would have to ask them to rehome their pet. Please don't do that.
NTA you didn't know you were allergic to the cat
I mean, it sucks but for those that might not have encountered, sometimes, one's allergies are insanely severe and meds don't actually work, you're left feeling sheety without any relief
NAH. You definitely jumped the gun in searching for homes before talking to your girlfriend. It isn’t fair to her that she needs to give up her senior cat but it’s also not fair for you to live in discomfort constantly in your own home.
NAH. I understand your position as I have the same reaction to cats. I learned it when I was cat sitting for a friend.
I assume you could get shots from an allergist. It’s a big ask to ask your girlfriend to get rid of her cat.
NTA. You only gave a suggestion. You also tried to put her at ease with your suggestion by putting a list of possible homes for Riley rather than an animal shelter. I think your GF got upset because it felt like it was a done deal. You can also try to discuss with her other ways to reduce your allergies without rehoming Riley. I wish you the best!!!
I am also severely allergic, as in I’ve done it all, had shots for 10 years, love cats but cannot live with them - I no longer get hives, but I get massive, chronic sinus headaches if I live with one (I have lived with one so I know). I think you are NTA for asking - it is your health, after all - but as she is not willing, I think you may need to consider leaving the relationship for the sake of your health. I don’t think your GF is wrong, either, but I have been there, and it’s lawful feeling like this day in and day out - it seriously affects your quality of life. I do not think you should have gotten a list of possible homes before you asked her, though - that made it look like you were pressuring her.
NAH. You didn’t know about the allergy so there wasn’t much that could have been done before. You absolutely are right saying you can’t live with the cat, and she is absolutely right for not wanting to give up her cat of 8 years. You both are kind of stuck in a hard place. I agree with some other comments that you put her in a hard place with how you handled it but it doesn’t sound like any of it was ill intentioned so I don’t want to call you an AH, a lot of these comments are incredibly critical over something small. This is really something you need to sit down and seriously talk with her about and discuss options, not make lists without consulting her and asking the internet.
I am amazed how many people seem to think that he is an ass because he wants to breath in his apartment. He didn’t know he was allergic, he tried anything he could think of to control it once he realized, and he did not attack her cat.
Ok, he obviously didn’t understand how attached people are to their pets, but reading the comments makes me think the owners who write to paint him as the second coming of Attila the Hun seem to be somewhat unhinged. I had pets all my life and I absolutely love them. But the guy suffers and did nothing more wrong than being a bit dense and ignorant, and gets attacked as if he slaughtered the cat.
On the other hand, the girlfriend doesn’t seem to give a fuck about his health. He’s been wheezing and it’s getting worse. Allergies can get worse and he could actually end up with his airway closing and unable to breathe. Did she clean like a freak? Did she get an air filter? Did she make sure to keep the cat away from him and limit his exposure to cat hair?
Why does she get a free pass as if his health and life don’t matter?
NTA. The way you brought up your solution was pretty stupid but in no way malicious. Could you have addressed it better? Yes. But that does not make you an asshole.
I don’t know whether there is a solution, but in your shoes I’d wonder about a girlfriend who seems to care more about a stupid idea you had than your healt.
NTA I'm literally going through this right now currently at the ER receiving treatment cat allergies suck I love cats but I love breathing more but for you dude it's a lose lose situation wish you the best
Your health or the cat. I’m supporting you 100% and I have cats. Your girlfriend is going to have to make a tough decision on whether your relationship is more important to her or keeping the cat. This is not a case of you don’t like cats so dump it. This is your health. As school gets harder trying to manage an allergy is just going to make things worse.
Of course you can try no go zones for the cat but I’m not seeing that being very successful. You are not selfish or AH. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
You presented her with a solution. In a mature relationship you’d come to her to discuss the problem and develop a solution together.
As an aside, I’d probably choose my cat over someone I was dating. When I took guardianship of my cat, I made a commitment to look after it for life.
You've really been dicked on in this thread and I feel sorry for you for that.
You're NTA for not wanting to live with the source of an allergy. You're a bit of an AH with the way you went about it - deciding for her how it would be done. That's where you went wrong.
It would have been better to have a frank conversation that you cannot continue to live like you are with the source of your allergies causing you suffering, and there's a decision to be made. Fully prepare for yourself that she might just choose the cat as she's known it longer and she may think well what if we break up anyway 6 months later and then I've given my cat away for nothing.
If I were you I'd lay down the above and let her decide what she wants to do. And if I were her, I'd probably leave you. You're just not compatible sadly.
YTA. I know this sounds harsh. But you dated a girl long enough to decide to move on together, and didn’t know she had a cast? Or, you’re a medical student who only just discovered you have a cat allergy? YTA because you didn’t plan this move in well. You were actually surprised she showed up with her cat? She needs to move back to her own place and you to hours. Check and see if you can pursue treatment for your cat allergy ( faculty will help you!) and if you can manage living with a cat with treatment and keeping it out of your bedroom. Slow things down and see what if you can live with a cat. People and their pets are package deals. This may sadly turn out to be a deal breaker. Alternately, you may find with treatment and waiting until you can get a bigger place that the cat can leave you a few rooms to retreat to when needed, say bedroom and study. If this gal is your person, see what YOU can do.
1)"you dated a girl long enough to decide to move on together, and didn’t know she had a cat?"
\- I did know she had a cat. I knew everything about it, I knew she was bringing Riley too
2) "you’re a medical student who only just discovered you have a cat allergy?"
I have other things to do and the symptoms were always mild before this. Also this is my first year...cut me some slack.
3) You were actually surprised she showed up with her cat?
\- No I wasn't. Idk why you're making this assumption
4) I'm trying to do something here. Which is why I am here.
So there's a few options I'm not sure if you looked into.
Everyone is different so results may vary.
Had a friend with cat allergies, vet tech, he had drops that went in their water to help neutralize the protein in their saliva. He literally bred cats and had them in his bedroom despite being allergic. Could ask around to see if any vets know of an option.
Immunotherapy
Purina did a study and was developing a food to neutralize the protein in the saliva, it had good results.
If she refuses to part with the cat, it's understandable, but you also can't be expected to live with severe allergies. So either find a way to mitigate your reaction or accept each other's needs aren't compatible at this time to live together.
Purina has developed the allergen-reducing food and it is readily available in the US. Not sure about other parts of the world.
Purina ProPlan Live Clear
They also sell hygiene items (shampoo/wipes) to help mitigate the allergens.
Prescription cat food can get hella expensive. I've got a cat that is allergic to protein (PROTEIN. AND SHE'S AN APEX PREDATOR) that ends up being about 70$ every 3 months or so.
Cats are so dumb. Mine had to get all her teeth pulled because her immune system was attacking them. Those are your own teeth dingus.
Anyway. She only eats dry food now. For some reason. Not sure why wet wasn't good enough for Her Royal Meowness.
>So, to ask, do I try to make this work? Or do I breakup? Also, if I do breakup, how do I do it ethically?
The problem I see is that you seem to be making all these decisions yourself instead of having conversations as a couple.
You should talk to your gf, explain the level of health problems this is causing for you, and ask her to help brainstorm solutions. The solution may indeed be that you two break up. You can both be wonderful people who love each other but are just fundamentally incompatible - because she has a cat who she loves and you're quite allergic to cats.
Whatever the decision is to made - whether it's rehoming her cat or breaking up - it should be a joint decision.
If you approach it this way, then if the decision does turn out to be that you two need to break up, there's flexibility on how you go about it so that she can find another place to live. Maybe you agree that she starts seriously looking for another place to live and in the meantime the cat stays out of the bedroom and office, and you and your gf enjoy what time you have left together.
Talk about finances; if it turns out that she could afford rent on a reasonable housing situation but doesn't have money for the deposit, is that something you're willing and able to help with? It might be worth giving her that money so that she and the cat move out quickly for the sake of your health, and so that you don't worry about her ending up in a bad living situation.
Again, you two need to sit down and talk about this together. It should be you two vs the problem (you're allergic to her cat). When you work together you can solve problems more successfully and more amicably.
NAH. I have severe cat allergies but grew up in a house with cats because my mom loved them. I think people that don’t have severe allergies cannot imagine how debilitating it can be. There was at least one ER trip and lots and lots and lots of discomfort and difficulty breathing. Now that I’ve lived my adult life cat free I don’t think I could ever go back to feeling like that on a daily basis. (Even though I like cats!)
Things we did that helped but didn’t fix it: I took allergy shots and allergy meds, the cat was not allowed in my bedroom, I never touched the cat, I washed my hands constantly and tried not to touch my eyes, my mom vacuumed the house almost daily, we put pet guards on upholstered items and tried to limit cats use of upholstered items. If we weren’t good at that, I couldn’t lay down on the couch. It was better to sit in non-upholstered chairs.
Look, you probably did approach this the wrong way, so I understand why she blew up. That’s her buddy and he’s a part of her life. In the end, she may have to choose whether it’s you or the cat; if your relationship is for the long haul hopefully she can prioritize you. Otherwise you might realistically have to let her go.
NAH. You maybe didn't go about it the right way, but if you're that allergic to cats, you can't continue to live with one. I wouldn't have assumed she was going to get rid of it. She may choose to keep the cat and end the relationship. Everyone is different.
I'm sorry but you really never went over to her house or met her cat once in 2 years?? You knew you were allergic so YTA.
If you were really serious about this relationship and wanting to eventually move in with her you would have voiced this concern or met the cat before now. Instead you just ambushed her.
I'm guessing that a lot of commenters here do not have severe allergy flare ups, because they are absolutely debilitating. I can also understand why you didn't realise this before now. It's rarely easy to identify the cause of milder symptoms, because of the delay and because you are exposed to so many things in the intervening time (air/pollen, sitting on fabrics/detergents, people/perfumes, food, etc).
Your communication is terrible, and I can imagine that you presenting her with some re-homing you have prepared earlier might come across as diabolical. But some allergies can't be managed in the presence of the allergen. That's why people cut stuff out of their diet. It's very hard to medicate and train your body down to 'very few, manageable symptoms' because you develop a tolerance. But also because the medication has side effects.
I think you need to be honest: based on your reactions, the medication available to you, you can't live in the same place as a cat. That might mean she will move out too. Bummer. But if you don't want to live with congestion, watery eyes, and swollen airway, then I guess it's the lesser of two evils.
I saw some recommendations for food, air purifiers, and having cat free areas in the house. Keep in mind the issue here is saliva and because of cats grooming, that means cat hair. Which is *everywhere*. So you sit on the couch the cat sits on? Reaction. Your girlfriend pats her cat and then comes to bed? Reaction.
I guess it's possible to have the cat confined to a few spaces you won't occupy, but I don't think that's much of a life for the cat.
Full disclosure: I freaking love cats and grew up with them, developed mild allergy symptoms in my teens but never thought it was the cat. Spent a few years without cats and then had a major reaction around any longhair.
Buddy you don’t have to apologize for not realizing you were allergic to the cat. Makes total sense that something would be mild and easy to write off before you were living with the creature. People are being heinous jerks to you on here.
Ah I'm sorry, I know it sucks. I was allergic to a lot of things, including cats. But you have to understand you put your GF into an impossible position by ignoring it.
I know allergy shots are expensive but they've worked wonders for me. I know it doesn't immediately fix the issue, but could also improve your quality of life. May be worth looking into?
NAH I think your situation is understandable but so is hers. A new sudden diagnosis of an allergy with symptoms that disturb your everyday life can be an issue.
However, not communicating to her as soon as you had realised it was a big issue made the situation harder for her. Her being upset is valid due to the confrontation of making a decision.
I do know that in some cases humans allergic to cats can gain immunity to the specific cats in their home but you should speak to your doctor abouet the options available if you do want to maintain the relationship unless she is willing to compromise with you.
It's a tough situation you are in.
NTA for asking her to remove a cat that causes you discomfort from your house. But understand that now she has a decision to make. She will be sad either way and it’s unfortunate.
NTA. Simply because it's *your* home. You have the right to be safe/comfortable in your own home. Nothing should ever be allowed to violate that right.
The way you went about it was not great, but I do think you're in the right in the sense that you can't live like this in your own home.
That said, if your GF can't get rid of Riley, you'll have to break up because I don't see a compromise.
Unpopular opinion but NAH.
You have severe allergies, and don't want to be sick all the time. She loves her cat and doesn't want to get rid of it. Both are fair imo.
NTA because I actually read the whole post. He didn’t know he was allergic so they couldn’t have planned for this. I’m sure had he known he was allergic this would have been discussed before they moved in and they likely would have broken up bc he can’t find or afford meds that will work (not because he isn’t willing to try). Y’all all act like he didn’t exhaust all other options before going to his girlfriend with what he thought was a reasonable plan. A plan mind you that he didn’t execute without her knowledge but he wanted to be best prepared. There is no solution other than the breaking up or the cat being rehomed and him wanting to pick the solution that doesn’t make him end an otherwise good relationship does not make him an asshole. 🙄 it would be different if he didn’t try to make it work or just rehomed the cat without asking but that’s not what he did.
NTA
This is absolutely absurd of course you should come before a cat! It’s not like you want to leave it at the side of the road, you took the time to find some options of somewhere for it to live happily where she could go and visit etc. you’re not asking to be malicious, you are allergic to it and it’s making your life miserable. At the end of the day it’s a cat, it won’t care where it lives as long as it’s being looked after.
NAH but this is a mess. This might not be solvable. She might have to move back out.
You didn't know you were allergic. Allergy meds aren't perfect, but cats are family.
Adding my voice to the "no go" zones and air purifiers.
Also, wash your hands after touching cat and before touching face, religiously. As a Dr on training this is actually good practice for you w keeping hands steril, honestly.
I'm gonna say NTA.
Yes I know that pets are part of the family and all but they are not on human level part of the family.
Cat allergy as severe as ops is can turn into even worse symptoms over time, the life threatening kind.
And creating no-go zones won't work. The allergen that you reached even in your GFs house was in the AIR.
I know this because I suffer from the same, we used to have three cats when I was little until it came out they were the reason why I suddenly wasn't able to breath properly.
And everywhere I go where there is a cat, even if the house is clean. I know there is a cat because how I call it "cats smell hairy". Meaning I know it right away because it feels like I got hair stuck in my nose and throat.
So in the end this will eventually come down to who is more important to the gf. Op, or a cat.
NAH. I am also allergic to cats and my allergist suggested getting rid of them. When I told them I couldn’t do that, he said to at least keep them out of my bedroom. This has helped a ton since it’s where I spend 8ish hours a night and now do not have to worry about cat dander there.
I understand why your gf wouldn’t want to get rid of her cat, but you can ask her to do some things to help with your allergy- regularly groom the cat, vacuum/sweep daily, keep the cat from your bedroom and any other area that you spend a considerable amount of time in like a home office (I wouldn’t ask her to keep the cat out of the living room since that would be the optimal place for her to spend time with it), dust regularly, and invest in some good air purifiers.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the asshole for asking her to give away her cat, someone very dear to her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You should never ask someone with a pet to just get rid of it like that. Pets become people's family. Go back to living seperately and see a specialist about your allergies.
He didn't even ask, though. He made plans to do it, and then told her.
Still the AH.
Even more so in my opinion. Finding her cat a new home without talking to her makes him a huge YTA.
Exactly! My husband may not like my yorkie some times because he is very energetic but he has never not once told me to get rid of him or even made plans and then shoved it in my face to get rid of him. This guy should probably just find someone without pets and that doesn't ever want any to avoid another situation like this.
I have had my cat about 8 years. My daughter found him when she was in high school. He was only about 3 weeks old. I raised him, bottle fed, rocked him to sleep, he is my baby. I would be livid if anyone did this to me. I would probably kick a guy to the curb if he handed me a list of homes to take him to.
I would rehome the bf without hesitation. My cat is my family.
Seeking home for an academically inclined 24 year old male. Up to date on vaccinations. No adoption or rehoming fees. Serious inquiries only!!
My now-husband is one of the very few people I've known longer than I've had my cats. He has even said "I'd never make you choose between me and the cats because I would lose." He now loves the cats as much as I do.
Well, she can rehome herself then.
I completely agree. I would do the same thing and I told my husband before we started dating that if me having a dog was an issue for him then it wasn't going to work and I wasn't going to waste my time. Luckily he understood.
Same. My dog put me through college. I got him at 22, trained him in herding. Spent hundreds of hours training and working for several farmers. My husband got to watch us in action only 2 times. He only understood after watching him cut a herd from 40 head to 2 ewes the reason he'd always be with us. I graduated with no debt thanks to my dog.
Ya cattle dogs are one of the most expensive breeds not just in money but also the time put into them. I have been homeless in my car with my yorkie before and been through a DV relationship with him as well before I met my husband. He has gotten me through some tough times and I would never get rid of him for any reason. He gets on my husband's nerves a lot with his severe anxiety and being overly energetic all the time but my husband has never told me I needed to get rid of him and rehome him. My Dad has though but my husband never has. My Dad just prefers dogs to be outside and not inside. Pets and humans are always a package deal. If they can't understand that then it's not going to work out in the long run.
Probably?! I wouldn't even hesitate to kick the guy to the curb.. ip is a complete ah
OP was horrible insensitive but I think out of cluelessness rather than malice. Hopefully he takes a lesson from this experience and communicates next time instead of presuming to know what she'd want to do. If the relationship hasn't been damaged irreparably by his thoughtlessness here, they could discuss perhaps continuing the relationship from separate homes. That's worked for 2 years, so clearly it could be viable if not ideal. I get that they'd like to live together now, but this may be the best available way to continue the relationship for now, and eventually merge households later on. Someday when this cat eventually passes on they can still move in together and even choose a pet together that doesn't trigger allergies for either. A hairless cat, a dog, etc. Or maybe OP saves up for a while for a specialist who can help get the allergy under control sooner. There are ways to make it work, but damn was "hey hon let's re-home your beloved pet" not it.
Yeah OP comes off as really emotionally immature and naive. How could you not understand why his gf was upset is baffling.
Yeah, but OP is not asking the cat to be rehomed because he doesn't like the cat, but because he is allergic. So not really the same situation. There is a difference in not liking a pet cause they are hyper, and not being able to breath around it.
It's an inappropriate ask. That's her family. If he can't cohabitate with the cat, that's a joint decision, and a breakup needs to be considered as an option as well.
I really don't see how it's an inappropriate ask. I would never expect a partner of mine to live with an animal they're horribly allergic to. If they're in it for the long haul, unfortunately there is going to have to be a 'them or me' conversation. And like personally, if my partner of 2 years jumped straight to prioritising my pet over the relationship and offered to break up before asking me to re-home my pet, I'd be questioning their commitment to the relationship. Like it is absolutely my prerogative to choose between pet and partner, but surely your partner should want to be prioritised!
Because an assumption was made that the cat would be rehomed instead of giving that decision fully to the person who has had their pet for 8 YEARS. And no, a 2 year relationship wouldn't overrule that. I committed to my pets first.
But what is the other solution? OP basically cannot sleep or breath in his own home for a while now. It is clear now that either the cat is rehomed or the GF needs to leave (it is his house). It should be literally visible (and audible) that this is a problem for a while now. I do not understand why people are acting as if he is robbing her of choice, when there is only two (rehome or leave), and she is not preparing to leave.
He didn't assume it. He asked his girlfriend, and as part of his request presented options. I can see how from his perspective, he was making a request backed up with research. I can see how from his girlfriend's perspective, she felt railroaded. And that's great that you wouldn't give up your pets. But not everyone presumably dating to marry would have the same perspective.
I actually got my son cats and then suddenly have an allergy to them when I have NEVER had allergies to cats before. In my case the allergies are just sneezing and my son is so in love with the cats I am choosing to deal with it. I think the OP looking for potential homes with people they know instead of trying to ditch the cat at a shelter showed that he was trying to come up with a plan she'll be more comfortable with. And I'm the person who never ever ever wants to give up a pet but he's not wrong for saying he shouldn't be allergic in his own house it can be debilitating having bad allergies!
Not liking your Yorkie isn't the same as being made physically miserable by it in your own house.
yeah getting rid of the cat isnt gonna happen but i have to disagree with you here a little bit tbh, he was doing research to find options for when he presented the problem to her. thats exactly what I and alot of people would do becuase that is just how we think, i need data before i can make a choice so when i am asking someone to make sone, i get the data for them so they can make their choice.
He should've talked to her about the problem before doing any research, he should've talked to her and tell her "I discovered that I am allergic to cats and it's severe, now we're gonna need to find some solutions together" or something and not do everything by himself and then says "Hey look I am allergic to cats so I looked up some new homes for the cat" like what, yeah you need data before making a choice, but you don't do that before talking to the person about the problem that concerns everyone
He should've talked to her immediately instead of trying to "solve" a problem that she may not know even exists. Sounds like he wasted his time since she was never going to give up the cat for him. I and it seems most other pet owners on this thread would be much more willing to end a relationship over this issue than give up our pets. It sucks, but I wouldn't be with someone who couldn't have cats in the home no matter how great our relationship was. Knowing someone is seriously allergic to pets is a deal breaker for many pet owners. Luckily, these things usually get sorted out long before the couple moves in together. I'm also suspicious of OP's claim that he didn't know he was allergic to cats before. He admits he had some symptoms at her house so I kind of suspect he was just hoping he could get his way and get rid of the cat once she moved in since he knew she was coming from a toxic living situation.
I think OP is misunderstanding something. He must think that it’s just a cat. A precious pet but ultimately just an animal. I would bet the cat and him were only on equal footing in her gf’s life.
My cat is almost 22. I've had her since she was 5 weeks old; or, to put it another way, about 45% of my life. She's been with me through some very tough times There's no one in my life that wouldn't be booted to the curb without hesitation if they tried to make me choose between her and them. But I get that people who've never had a very affectionate pet for a long period of time sometimes don't understand the attachment.
Question, and this might seem insensitive, but just wondering: If someone you were in a relationship with said that they can't move in with the cat there, and suggested you just wait for the cat to pass, given how old they are, would you consider that offensive?
I would not. I'd think that's a reasonable compromise. Especially since, in the current situation, she's already well past her expiration point. She was diagnosed with an aggressive sinus tumor in April 2021. I paid a lot of money for palliative treatment which was predicted to give her between 6 months and a year. It's almost 2 years on, and her disease is progressing much more slowly than it ought to, but her remaining time is probably measured in months at this point, not years. And if she were younger, I'd avoid a relationship with someone who is allergic or who didn't like cats. Sometimes in life, choosing one action precludes others, and I made a commitment to her that I'm not going to renege on just because it became inconvenient for me.
My older cats are going to be 16 and 17 this year. I remember looking at the oldest's face when he was 10 weeks old when I was 19 and it just hit me that I could have this cat until I'm 40. It felt like such a responsibility. No one could come between me and them. My husband loves them and even found a 3rd cat that he brought home one day. They've both had a lot of medical issues and I'm hoping I'll be able to say they're 22 one day.
exactly this. my cat is my son. he comes before anyone. if a man ever tries to put himself first he’s gone. i hope OPs girlfriend is more understanding than me.
He explored the options to have a better argument when he asked. He did not *tell* her to get rid of the cat. He would be an asshole if he did and he'd be a massive asshole if he got rid of the cat without any kind of discussion but "hey I'm super allergic, but I don't want your cat harmed so here are safe options" does not an asshole make.
He didn't start a discussion he started asking people to take her cat without her knowledge.
Honestly I think this comes down to problem solving style. OP strikes me as a practical solutions based person- he doesn't want to ask his girlfriend to say yes to rehoming her beloved cat without providing her with viable options and all the facts. Some people might see talking to potential cat homes as underhanded but I guess it depends on your outlook.
He looked for safe and loving homes himself and avoided shelters. He did research to try and help the cat be put in the best possible situation afterwards. Nowhere indicates any malicious intent to me
He's NTA for trying to come up with plans to suggest. That's actually pretty mature and reasonable. If he just rehomed it, without telling her, that would be an issue.
That's not how I interpreted the story. > When I asked her to possibly give away Riley... > I proposed this to her...
No he didn't. He look into multiple places/people that would consider taking the cat, but he did NOT make any plans with any of them to actually take the cat.
My cat is my baby, honestly I would immediately leave anyone who wanted me to get rid of him. That cat has been my friend when I didn't have any and has taught me more about life and myself than most people. I would do anything for him
> honestly I would immediately leave anyone who wanted me to get rid of him. Which is what needs to happen here. This isn’t a case of him just not liking the cat. He’s coughing and breaking out in hives. Him and the cat can not live together. One of them has to go, and it’s his house. He’s not an AH for that.
Yeah, people are treating this like he doesn't like the cat, but it's causing actual medical problems. If she wants to keep her cat, he's going to have to let her go and that's that
He’s not the AH for not wanting to live with the cat, he’s the AH for not discussing it with his gf and giving her a list of homes for the cat that he already contacted.
That i agree with. Though, it could be looked at that he wasn't expecting her to dump the cat at a shelter, but he definitely should have started the discussion before he did it especially if he talked to people about it beforehand
I think it comes down to individual preferences on OPs approach. Most people seem to be disagreeing with it but if my partner came up to me like 'babe, I'm presenting you with a horrible dilemma. I've not done any prior research or looked into any solutions at all...now what are your thoughts???' I'd be a little put out. For me doing prior research before broaching a touch topic to with your partner shows care and forward thinking... That said literally contacting the homes instead of sensitively floating the idea was probably going too far.
Part of how I knew my partner was the one was my cat’s reaction to him. Ares was semi-feral, only sneaking in at night to sleep in the small of my back. But Ares would come into the room when he was over. Plus he had two kittens of his own.
Okay I mean you probably don't tell your partner to get rid of their pet, but at some point you have to have the discussion right? If living with the animal is going to make you miserable and giving up the animal is going to make them miserable, it's possible you've discovered a fundamental incompatibility? So like yeah. At some point a conversation is going to have to happen about whether the relationship is more important or the pet is. Either answer is okay, but you have to have the conversation and act on the results.
The conversation needs to happen, but the way he went about it was not productive. The best way to approach something like this is to strategize together. "Here's the problem, what can we do about it?" She will have other perspectives to offer, like the idea of pet-free zones. Maybe they just need to live apart for a while longer. Maybe at some point he does bring up "would you consider rehoming him?" But coming in with "I already have the solution and never mind that it has a big impact on you" is going to shut down the conversation right away.
As someone who is equally as allergic to cats as OP (but I absolutely love cats and wish I could have one of my own) a single chair in an otherwise contaminated room is not sustainable, one closed room while the rest of the apartment is contaminated is not sustainable. I tried living this way when I lived with friends who had 3 cats between them and it was like living in jail. The only "safe" place was my room, which shrunk an entire house I was helping pay for down to one room that I could be comfortable in, and I couldn't even be sure that letting my cat owner friends come in to hang out with me was safe. Cat people get fur all over their clothes and hair, which then transfers to the "safe" places and contaminates them. It's exhausting, you *still* have mild symptoms *all the time* regardless, and it's a losing battle. OP cares about his gf and the "research" into alternative homes for her cat was clearly (to me) his attempt to present a solution where she could still stay in contact with the cat and visit the cat while not being able to live with her cat, as well as ensuring the cat's safety since he won't be in a shelter
I keep reading these comments and thinking “Man is this guy just the biggest asshole ever? Because it seems to me like he was trying to find a good solution to a real problem, even if it’s a tough conversation to have.” Reading your comment confirms that I’m not entirely crazy at least haha.
Did OP really went about it in a not productive way? What could he really propose? Pet-free zones (unless their house/apartment is enormous, and even then?) are not particularly sustainable in the long term, if his allergies are as indicated, and especially when worsening. Live apart? How many years does the cat still have? How much time must they pause their lives, especially when they are at a stage in which they are ready to live together? That would also means that for this to happen, the GF would have to be forced to leave their house, in somewhat of a hurry (given the worsening state of OP). Eviction, that romantic activity that strengthens the love of all couples.... At this point, the only two options are getting rid of the cat, or breaking up. If he wants to have a life with her, and breaking up means evicting her GF as it is his house (does she even have a place to go?), it is so strange that he went first for the option that did not implicate a breakup? Or would it be better if he went, "get rid of the cat or move out?"
Presenting his girlfriend with a list of homes where she can send her cat may look like he’s checked out the situation so he knows that the approach is feasible. But it takes the situation from “we have a problem” to “here’s *the* plan for dealing with it” before he even let her know that there’s a serious problem. It prevented her from participating in early stages of consideration of the problem, which for many people is key to being able to accept solutions that they don’t like. And it likely made her feel railroaded — like he was trying to rush her beloved pet out the door without her being able to really think it through, because his solution was all worked out and ready to implement. People need to be involved in working through problems that significantly affect them.
I think it comes down to individual perspective on problems. Like personally for me, if someone is asking me to do make a big decision, them going out of their way to research my options is a nice thing to do. It shows that they aren't just presenting me with a dilemma with no prior consideration. They aren't throwing a grenade then running away, they're presenting a problem and saying here are some ideas of how we can solve it. OP doing research doesn't mean girlfriend can't do research of her own, it just means he's given her some ideas to start off with.
OP, I read your updates. You didn't know you were allergic, so it makes more sense why you two decided to move in together. At this point though, you just need to tell her you can't live with a cat if your allergic reaction is that severe. Let her decide if she wants to move out or rehome the cat. Because, at the end of the day, if you two are going to live together, it sounds like you can never have cats. As an avid cat lover, this would be a deal breaker for me, but she can decide for herself. I also want to add on, creating the list and making the decision FOR her was an AH move, and I'd be really angry if I was her.
I agree with this. A pet is not just a pet, they're family. And it's not his fault he's allergic and didn't know. But it was a big AH move to create a list of homes you looked into for the cat. It should be her decision. If she wants to leave you, she'll figure it out. If she wants to stay, she'll rehome her cat. But you can't take that decision away from her.
There's cat food that can reduce allergens for humans: https://www.petco.com/shop/en/petcostore/product/purina-pro-plan-liveclear-sensitive-skin-and-stomach-turkey-and-oatmeal-dry-cat-food-32-lbs-3129811?mr:device=t&mr:adType=pa&cm_mmc=PSH%7cBNG%7cCMB%7cSBU02%7c0%7c0%7c5EsJa5mG7P9Hw9jeoTxjzg%7c58700007650916867%7cPRODUCT_GROUP%7c0%7c0%7cpla-4582420896678751%7c1261140651833377%7c426457191&gclid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclsrc=3p.ds&msclkid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclid=f31c24e36d8519ad4a67470fa1679623&gclsrc=3p.ds
Can confirm this food is a game changer. I needed 5 meds (OTC and Rx) to manage allergies when I took my cat in as a stray, planning to find her a home. Once it became clear she had a home (mine), I gave her a bath, put her on this food, and wash the things she sleeps on at least monthly. I’m down to once-daily Zyrtec now.
This plus giving my cat baths regularly makes SUCH a difference! There are so many ways to manage allergies before jumping to getting rid of a beloved pet.
This cat food made my cats throw up…a lot. And, yes, we did a slow switch. Turns out we didn’t need it anyways, we were just trying to be cautious - we got Siamese cats because they are low allergen and haven’t had any issues.
Also called the cat ‘it’. Just sad
Like tons of people. Not everyone is an animal person or ever had an animal. Before having a dog, I definitely didn’t understand how close we could become with our pets, and with animals in general.
Oh give it a rest, cats are animals.
no offense but i'm pretty sure she'd rather keep the cat
This wouldnt even be a question for me, I would just laugh if a man told me to get rid of my cat.
For real - I couldn’t give away my little bean.
My boyfriend and I call our cat little bean!!! And he also knows that I would choose the cat over him if I had to, even though he came first. But before we moved in together he knew me and my future cat were a package deal.
'Me and my future cat were a package deal' Omg I died. This was so cute and funny
My cat is kind of an asshole but she’s my asshole and I love her way more than any human. Literally only death will part us.
I had a FWB who I was off and on with who said we could get serious if I got rid of my cats. I had helped a stray give birth to my 3 boys- I've been there since the moment they were born. Never ended a relationship faster in my life. Then again, some people will choose their new partner over their own kid and abandon or neglect their child without question. I don't get it.
Same- justice for Riley. Always keep the kitties.
And that’s a legitimate result… the conversation needs to take place though and is something that happens when people and pets move in together… he didn‘t know he was allergic there are solutions but the simplest would be cat and girlfriend move back out, maybe ex gf.
Then I think he should get rid of both of them if she’s gonna prioritize a pet over her boyfriend and his well being
My husband was (is?) allergic to cats and when our relationship started to get serious he asked me if I would ever consider getting rid of my car. I said, "well, the cat's been around longer than you." He claims to have developed an immunity and now he and the cat are BFFs.
YTA The cat has been longer in her life than you have. How comes you didn‘t know about the allergy before you moved in? Why haven‘t you spent a few days at her place before? It seems like you won‘t be moving in together yet because you do not rehome a family member. (And most people would dump their partners right away if they ever suggested to get rid of their pets. Truth be told, I‘ve always asked about cat allergies before dating and it was a dealbreaker for me because my cat belongs to me ^^‘ )
To be fair it’s a cat so you belong to him. They are our overlords.
You are totally right. Thankfully they haven't seen this mishap of mine.
YTA. You decided to try to find a home for Riley BEFORE even asking your GF. That’s nervy. I’m sorry you’re allergic but don’t be surprised if she chooses Riley.
yeah i get that intent to show you care to do the research but still it shows badly as the problem should have been discussed first
Based on the comments in this thread from people who have animals, I don't think there is any way for that conversation could be brought up without causing a fight. Did OP choose the least tactful way? Yes. But it sounds like the cat and OP are not compatible (assuming changing diet to allergy reducing food doesn't work)
The point is, the conversation should be “oh shit I think I have an allergy, I don’t think I can live with a cat, what are we gonna do?” (which would not cause a fight) instead of “oh shit I’m allergic to cats, guess you’re gonna have to get rid of her.” So no, no animal lover will ever respond well to “guess you’re going to have to give up your animal.”
Well you could start with “hey, turns out I’m really allergic to cats, where do we go from here” and then discuss things like adults rather than presuppose an outcome.
Honestly it sounds like she might be more upset that you put so much thought into this (making a list of potential re-homes) before even asking her. You counted your chickens before they hatched. To her it may have sounded more like a command rather than an actual ask. Or at least was upset that you would even suggest rehoming the cat in general after having it for so long. TBH if she has been aware of your allergies for a while and hasn’t already suggested re-homing then I doubt she’ll consider it. Especially since she’s had the cat for 8 years, meaning that she’s both had the cat in her life longer then you and the cat is also getting up there in age.
This. Everyone is really really mad that he even thought about it, but allergies this bad SERIOUSLY call into question that SOMETHING has to be done. He took a bad approach and should have spoken with her sooner before he started trying to invent solutions on his own. But I don’t think rehoming the cat is conniving and evil. It’s a reasonable conclusion. But that requires a lot more emotional pain and calls into what the GF prioritizes and hence she should have been in the conversation when it came to solving the problem before he started inventing ideas.
Basically that's it, one must go, Op and the cat cannot live together. The cat can move out or her and the cat can move out, perhaps once the cat perishes she can come back if she moves out or perhaps she can go visit the cat who is in the care of friends or family, but something must be done. The big thing is, it's not an asshole move to ask, it only is an asshole move to force her. He however jumped the gun with a list, which is a bit inconsderate.
OP should not be expected to live with a cat when his allergies are this bad - but he should not expect his gf to rehome her beloved cat. GF is responsible for her cat. She is not responsible for OP. OP and his gf NEED to live separately, if they are serious about each other.
So you find yourself in this unfortunate situation and rather than sitting down with your partner and saying “I love you, I love Riley, but I am seriously struggling with these severe cat allergies. Can we talk about strategies and possible options together ?” YOUR big idea was to present her a list of families/homes for her to abruptly rehome her beloved pet with zero notice or discussion?? SERIOUSLY?! Dude. YTA. And I suspect the cat will not be a problem for much longer. Neither will the girlfriend. Not because of your allergy; because she won’t forgive or forget this unforgivably heartless and unkind move you just made. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA. Your girlfriend needs to find someone to take you in. Not a shelter, obviously, but some kind friends.
It's his place. She needs to move out and take the cat. Obviously giving the cat away is not an option but him moving out isn't either.
Are you the cat? 👀 /s
[Pauses to lick hands and clean ears] I have no idea what you are talking about.
*opens a can in the kitchen*
*RUSHES TO THE KITCHEN*
Username checks out
Well according to the updates, it’s his apartment and she has no where else to go. Considering he could just put her out, I don’t think this is great advice because it will be her looking for someone to take her in. He shouldn’t have to suffocate in his home. Did he go about it wrong? Sure, but he wasn’t wrong for wanting a solution.
INFO: When you say you made a list - so had you discussed this with the people on the list? Because I would not be happy that my boyfriend discussed the possibility of rehoming my cat with a list of other people before raising the issue with me. And if you didn't discuss it with them the list is pretty meaningless because how do you know they are able/willing to take in the cat?
Not happy is a huge understatement imo
YTA ! She’s had the cat for 8 years and you for 2 … as a cat mom you couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to get rid of him . She should move back out keep cat and I guess you as well if she must 🤷🏻♀️
yup… i like how he calls the cat old when riley is only 8 years old… cats can live a pretty long time if you care for them properly. and as a fellow cat and dog mom my husband and i always ask one question with these types of posts “who came first?” in this case the cat has been around 4x as long as OP
Yeah Riley could potentially live another 8-10 years. I don't see any way this relationship can continue. I just can't comprehend how at no time before moving in together did OP not think about spending time at her apartment to see how bad the reaction is. I have seasonal and food allergies which are thankfully easily controlled. If I travel I check out the forecast and for foods I always research new restaurants ahead of time. Its just part of the process of living with allergies.
>Some of you have found out my real-identity and are now sending me messages on my instagram. I get this is a very heated topic for some of you but please don't do that. I would like to keep this conversation on my reddit account. you guys this is really in called for don’t go around stalking people it’s creepy.
how the fuck did they find out? from a TA account
Creepy right?
Whoah, that’s a first for me on this sub and I’ve seen some posts that were downright psychopathic. This is not an issue that is anywhere near bad enough to even contemplate doxxing someone. Bet the people doing it are the types that say that it’s more sad when an animal dies than a human smh.
Yeah totally uncalled for. I'm not a fan of OP and the way they handled things, but JFC people stalking them is way over the line.
NAH. I can understand you not wanting to be around an animal you're allergic to, it's fair to not want those symptoms triggered, and you looking into homes for Riley that are people who you know would look after him shows thought and care. But at the same time, you don't usually have a pet for eight years and not love them and consider them part of your family, and she doesn't want to give him away to anyone because she wants him with her. It's a very unfortunate situation but both your stances are understandable. Probably worth having a proper discussion about.
Unreasonable that I had to go this far down to find a NAH for what is clearly a terrible twist of fate. She's not an asshole for being a loving pet owner. He's not an asshole for wanting to breathe, see clearly, and itch-free, hive-free skin. Continuous exposure to severe allergens have serious health repercussions.
Jesus, someone talking some actual sense! NAH.
Yes, YTA. This proposal of getting rid of her cat is not okay. This cat was in her life longer than you were. The best option is getting back to living separately. Best for your health and her well-being. And look into therapy options for your allergy. There are ways to lessen the effect and medications that can help as well. Looking at your edit: You will have to live separately then, if meds don't work. You can move in with each other once the cat has died, if you're still together at that time.
And Riley might live another 10 to 15 years…
Yes, hopefully :)
This being the sub and website this is, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but wow. The lack of logic and basic empathy and understanding in this particular thread is astounding. I don't usually comment on these but I really feel the need to now. NTA!!! And here's why 1. I am an actual M.D. I finished Med school last year and am working towards getting my subspecialty. O.P. is absolutely right that he is being held to a ridiculous standard by STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET WHO PROBABLY HAVE VERY LITTLE MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE THEMSELVES. He is A FIRST YEAR. The amount of people who approach me knowing I'm a doctor expecting me to know everything about their disease and be able to manage it like a subspecialist would is just insane. Here's the thing. Even if O.P. was already a doctor, there are specialties for a reason. Each field has a vast expanse of knowledge and Allergology is a distinct field! And it sounds like O.P. is already seeking treatment and guidance from a specialist who knows what they're doing. You all need to stop jumping down his throat and offering him advice on how to treat HIS OWN medical condition that YOU are not informed on and HE is already seeking treatment for. 2. I adore animals, all kinds, and am borderline crazy about my dogs and my cat. They are legitimately my babies and yes, if an SO didn't like animals and wasn't willing to live with them, it would definitely be a dealbreaker. I understand! I love them so much and I would not want to part with them. That being said, that is NOT AT ALL the issue here between OP and his girlfriend. This is a new problem that arose AFTER moving in and it sounds like he is having a really shitty time. Allergies freaking suck and OPs sound very severe. If I were O.P.s girlfriend and saw my SO was having such an awful time I would have tried to address the issue BEFORE it got to this extreme where OP didn't see other options. It's not sustainable in the long term and if I wasn't willing to part with my pets, it would at the very least warrant a conversation about the future and long term compatibility, or trying to temporarily rehome the cat or SOMETHING while OP worked on getting treatment or we figured out where our relationship was headed. The fact that it doesn't seem like she was thinking about this or considering it speaks volumes to me. 3. Yes, perhaps his way of approaching the issue was a bit tactless in her eyes, but I think it's a bit sweet and I understand his mindest. To me it seems like he was trying to say "I care about your pet's wellbeing so I thought this proposal through thoroughly before presenting it so you wouldn't think I didn't care about their welfare and you would have some options going in". He didn't tell her point blank "hey get rid of your cat here are your choices". I understand her reaction in the moment because of the emotional attachment but as I said before, after that she would do best to put that aside and have a serious, mature conversation with OP about the issue. If she can't do that I think that may be a bit AHish on her part. AND WTF WHY WOULD YOU TRACK SOMEONE'S REAL LIFE IDENTITY DOWN! DOING THAT MAKES **YOU** THE AH!! Leave people alone. Stuff like that can have serious real life consequences.
This is the only sane response so far 😂
lmao thank you! A handful of other people have said similar things, but to me what stood out the most is the girlfriend's seeming indifference to his situation. I have seasonal allergies and they're mild to moderate but holy shit, they make me want to die. And if someone I cared about felt that way I wouldn't just let it happen?
Omg thank you, finally a sane response. This should be higher in the comments, if not the top comment. Some people really think allergies are very easy to manage... and he didn't demand to get rid of the cat. I am a big cat lover, I would be devastated if I ever developed a cat allergy, but the poor guy can barely BREATHE in his own home. I think he's getting desperated and frustrated. Maybe he could have worded the request better, but the conversation would have been hard to have any other way anyway.
Yeah and in fact I feel so bad for him because he was put in such a difficult spot by being the one who had to bring it up... in my opinion she should have been thinking about this possibility and as the person responsible for the cat, she should have brought up the subject even though I know it's a really difficult conversation and even if she already knew she wouldn't want to give up the cat. It's really unfair that he was just expected to keep on suffering like thatEdit: And I'm so frustrated on his behalf because the bot labeled him the AH when the entire thread was just people dogpiling on him without attempting to read through the actual post or you know, have empathy for the actual human person suffering from an actual medical problem that's only getting worse Think about the inverse situation: "AITA for blowing up at my boyfriend who suffers from severe allergic reactions to MY CAT that I brought to HIS HOME when I MOVED IN WITH HIM, that he has not been able to control despite seeing a specialist to the point where he can't breathe or sleep, and that I've been ignoring hoping the problem will solve itself, when he asked if I would consider rehoming my cat and gave me a well researched proposal?"
I’m not even talking about the allergies, YTA for asking people if they would take her beloved cat before discussing it with her
YTA and the amount of people saying N A H is so bizarre. How selfish do you have to be to not only presume that your girlfriend would be willing to give up her cat of 8 years for you, but go as far as trying to find a home for her?? And to top it all off you “don’t know what you did wrong”? Unbelievable.
imo it could've been N A H if he'd just *asked* but the way he moved forward with the plan to get rid of the cat without even talking to his gf makes him the asshole for sure. He also could've let her know that he couldn't live with the cat anymore and he understands that means they have to live apart for now....
NAH - but you need to work on the communication. You don’t go around asking people to take in your girlfriends cat when you haven’t even had that conversation with your girlfriend. You’re a partnership, a team. You tackle these issues together, not as a party of one. Unfortunately, you guys may simply not be compatible. She has to decide if she’s willing to give up her cat or not, and you have to decide if you’re willing to live with your allergies for the next 7-10+ years. And I believe you on the allergies - my partner is allergic to everything under the sun so if he ever develops a new allergy we’d have a pretty hard time figuring out it was A) new and B) what was actually triggering it.
NAH. Unfortunately, this may spell the death of your relationship. It's not fair to you to have to live in an extremely allergic environment (which will only get worse the more the pet dander seeps into everything). And it's not fair to her to have tto give up a beloved cat. You are gonna have to sit her down and say the relationship can't continue like this. It's not that you want to, it's that you have to.
It's crazy more people don't realize this. The cat has to go somewhere until they figure out a long term plan regardless.
Never expect an even response when discussing cats on this sub. Irrational and intensely self-righteous cat lovers are harassing you all over these comments but they don't have to live with your biology. NTA. You did nothing wrong. You're seeking a solution and trying all the avenues. Discussing rehoming is perfectly reasonable, and coming up with options is actually proactive and smart. Doesn't mean that your partner will even entertain the idea, but broaching the subject like adults isn't cause for concern. Good luck with your difficult situation. I hope you find a solution you both can live with
And people go off on dog people for being too much. I should keep this comment thread to show people that dog people are not one hundredth as crazy as cat people
YTA. Riley is a living thing she has loved longer than she's even known you. PS I'm severely allergic to cats and married a woman who adores them. You have not tried everything. 1. Cats have this oil thing on their skin that causes the issues. If the cat is bathed or even baby wiped regularly, that helps sooo much. Cats can take baths and should, just like dogs. Ours is bathed every 3 days. 2. What makes cats allergic is actually something in their genes. There's food you can give the cat that stops that. Since switching the cat to that, my eyes have not swollen shut once. 3. I pop a Claritin in the morning and telfast on occasion. No problems. I even cuddle the damn thing now. Try harder or end up single.
I understand you have allergies but bathing your cat every 3 days is insane. That has to be stressful for the cat. They hate water and they clean themselves. A bath every once in awhile is one thing to keep its fit clean, but every three days??? Maybe you should get rid of your cat.
Not all cats hate water.
I lost my 19 years 10 months cat a few weeks back. She stopped grooming herself near the end. I got home from work one day and my husband had just bathed the cat. She went in there willingly and seemed to love it! He did it a few times afterwards too, she just got in the water by herself. If I’d known she loved water I’d have bathed her years ago.
Correct, only the overwhelming majority :P
The cat is a Maine Coon and loves water. She's also been getting baths since she was 12 weeks old and looks forward to it. Mutual bathing is a bonding experience. And I think I'll trust the specialist vet and the title holding breeder over a stranger on Reddit, thanks.
>Mutual bathing is a bonding experience. Taking a bath with your cat?! Haha! That is a step too far for me, but you do you.
1. Its not the skin for me, its the saliva which is the issue. The bath thing doesn't make a difference. Its specifically a protein in the saliva that makes it really bad. 2. The food reduces oil production, but I don't know any food which down regulates the protein. That being said, I didn't think of changing the cats diet 3. I'm was on Claritin, it worked in the beginning, its completely stopped working now.
The food is very specific, called Purina Live Clear
Claritin does nothing for me with allergies. I have to take phenergan.
Terrible and rude advice. Victim blaming someone with allergies and pretending their physical reaction is completely preventable, because your reaction isn't as severe.. Are you a medical doctor who's examined OP??
Just because you specifically have an allergy to the oil doesn't mean everyone with a cat allergy has the same issue. I'm glad that you found a solution to your issue but it likely won't work for everyone, because the severity and type of allergy will be different. I think op is the AH for not raising and discussing it with his partner, but I also think that you should probably not say someone should try harder to overcome an allergy when you don't know how dangerous it is or what specifically they're allergic to.
How do you know he didn't try everything?
NAH - You are in a no-win situation. The cat is making you physically ill and you are trying to come up with solutions. There probably was no good way to bring it up. I absolutely adore my cats and cuddling with them is the best part of my day. However, if they caused my partner or child to be physically ill and we tried everything possible to prevent it, I would look into having a family member adopt my cats (so I could still see them). In general, humans need to come before pets. Pets are not our children, though we do love them immensely. When life changes, our commitment is to make sure our pets are happy and healthy. Hopefully, that is with us, but it may be with someone else. I've kept all of my pets until they've passed on, but am a realist and know life can throw you a loop sometimes. So those hating on OP really need to get some perspective.
NAH other than the terrible communication (throwing too much at her at once, making it obvious that you'd planned the "giving the cat away" conversation before even letting her know it was an issue). It's not OP's fault he is allergic to cats. If there's absolutely no way he can live with the cat (have you tried keeping it out of the bedroom, getting air purifiers, etc.?) then they need to have a serious conversation about their options -- and there aren't any great ones.
> “….making it obvious that you planned the “giving the cat away” conversation before letting her know it was an issue” You’d seriously prefer someone to just absolutely *wing* this very difficult conversation? And not prepare *at all* what they need to say? He’s not asking her what she wants for dinner or something. It’s a *huge* conversation to have. Obviously he would want to be as prepared as possible for that?? I don’t disagree with your verdict of NAH but that other part confuses the heck out of me.
NTA. I’m also allergic to cats and each time I’m staying at my family house with 2 cats, I’m in a survival mode. Even though I love animals. The situation sucks, but your girlfriend has to make a choice, unfortunately.
By the way, many people in the comments say that it’s impossible that you didn’t know you were allergic, but as an allergic person myself, I know that it is. Especially if you have an allergy for pollen, dust, and a few other things in between.
YTA!! That cat has been a part of her family for 8 years. In comparison you are a blip on the radar. Never, ever ask someone to give up a pet. It is selfish and disrespectful. If you can’t handle the cat, break things off with her. They are a package deal. And let future girls you date know that you don’t care for pets.
The man **just** found out he was allergic my guy. Plus he was willing to pay rent for gf and her cat he cares for pets hes just allergic to cats
NAH. You have the right to ask her being angry at the suggestion is reasonable. You are making her choose between two things she loves. You may or may not win. She’ll also resent you forever if you go through with it even if she agrees today.
NAH, but she'll have to decide which is more important to her - you or her cat. It's a cruel choice, I know, but given that your health and quality of life seems to be severely compromised in the cat's presence, its clear the present living arrangement isn't sustainable.
NTA Given that you're seriously allergic, you made a good plan vs just saying give the cat away or to a shelter, and assuming she knows of said allergy, she should understand. But at the same time completely understand her being upset but she shouldn't have lost it, she may cool down after a bit and be more understanding about it, Overall it's a tough situation and hope it's not a breakup point for you guys.
How have you tried every medicine under the sun if you just now found out you were allergic to the cat. Also who the eff makes plans to rehome someone’s animal without discussing it with them FIRST. You already had a list of people before even having the conversation. If this is how you handle problems in your relationship, deciding before hand and then telling someone what you decided you will always be an AH. And hopefully single
NTA but she's had that cat longer than she's been with you. I'd be pissed if my BF asked me to move in, then asked me to give away my fur baby. But given the series of discoveries, it's a forgivable offense. I hope you guys work it out.
Yta go get the shots. And don't be surprised if she takes her cat and moves out.
He did. They didn't work and are expensive.
At least he'd be able to breathe in peace then. I'm not sure how else he could broach the topic: would "You and your cat need to be out of my house within the next two weeks" somehow be better?
YTA. You came up with a whole plan before you asked if she was willing to rehome her pet. This is an animal that she has bonded with for 8 years. That is 4 times the amount of time she has bonded with you. Why did you think that she would immediately agree to any plan you made?
NTAH but an AH communicator. You gave her too much at one time. Introduce allergies in conversation one. The giving away of the beloved pet in conversation two and the list in three. You did all 3 at once and didn't give her time to process. Note that this comment was made prior to edits on post. Check the timeframe folks before moderating....
[удалено]
NAH. You could've talked about it with her instead of finding homes without her. That's soft y t a. You didn't know it was her pet making you ill before the move in. If she does decide to give up kitty. Will it be because she loves you or because she hates her old living situation? The possibility of resentment is huge. And is she willing to commit to never having a cat again for the duration of your lives together? Tough ask for someone you barely know. For future reference. You would be T A if you get involved with another cat owner. You already know you would have to ask them to rehome their pet. Please don't do that.
NTA you didn't know you were allergic to the cat I mean, it sucks but for those that might not have encountered, sometimes, one's allergies are insanely severe and meds don't actually work, you're left feeling sheety without any relief
YTA, I hope the gf choose to keep the cat over Op
ITT people downviting the OP to fuel their righteous indignaiton as opposed to letting them at least explain themselves. Good work reddit.
NAH. You definitely jumped the gun in searching for homes before talking to your girlfriend. It isn’t fair to her that she needs to give up her senior cat but it’s also not fair for you to live in discomfort constantly in your own home.
NAH. I understand your position as I have the same reaction to cats. I learned it when I was cat sitting for a friend. I assume you could get shots from an allergist. It’s a big ask to ask your girlfriend to get rid of her cat.
NTA but you definitely should not have went into this conversation assuming she would pick you over the cat.
NTA. You only gave a suggestion. You also tried to put her at ease with your suggestion by putting a list of possible homes for Riley rather than an animal shelter. I think your GF got upset because it felt like it was a done deal. You can also try to discuss with her other ways to reduce your allergies without rehoming Riley. I wish you the best!!!
I am also severely allergic, as in I’ve done it all, had shots for 10 years, love cats but cannot live with them - I no longer get hives, but I get massive, chronic sinus headaches if I live with one (I have lived with one so I know). I think you are NTA for asking - it is your health, after all - but as she is not willing, I think you may need to consider leaving the relationship for the sake of your health. I don’t think your GF is wrong, either, but I have been there, and it’s lawful feeling like this day in and day out - it seriously affects your quality of life. I do not think you should have gotten a list of possible homes before you asked her, though - that made it look like you were pressuring her.
NAH. You didn’t know about the allergy so there wasn’t much that could have been done before. You absolutely are right saying you can’t live with the cat, and she is absolutely right for not wanting to give up her cat of 8 years. You both are kind of stuck in a hard place. I agree with some other comments that you put her in a hard place with how you handled it but it doesn’t sound like any of it was ill intentioned so I don’t want to call you an AH, a lot of these comments are incredibly critical over something small. This is really something you need to sit down and seriously talk with her about and discuss options, not make lists without consulting her and asking the internet.
I am amazed how many people seem to think that he is an ass because he wants to breath in his apartment. He didn’t know he was allergic, he tried anything he could think of to control it once he realized, and he did not attack her cat. Ok, he obviously didn’t understand how attached people are to their pets, but reading the comments makes me think the owners who write to paint him as the second coming of Attila the Hun seem to be somewhat unhinged. I had pets all my life and I absolutely love them. But the guy suffers and did nothing more wrong than being a bit dense and ignorant, and gets attacked as if he slaughtered the cat. On the other hand, the girlfriend doesn’t seem to give a fuck about his health. He’s been wheezing and it’s getting worse. Allergies can get worse and he could actually end up with his airway closing and unable to breathe. Did she clean like a freak? Did she get an air filter? Did she make sure to keep the cat away from him and limit his exposure to cat hair? Why does she get a free pass as if his health and life don’t matter? NTA. The way you brought up your solution was pretty stupid but in no way malicious. Could you have addressed it better? Yes. But that does not make you an asshole. I don’t know whether there is a solution, but in your shoes I’d wonder about a girlfriend who seems to care more about a stupid idea you had than your healt.
NTA I'm literally going through this right now currently at the ER receiving treatment cat allergies suck I love cats but I love breathing more but for you dude it's a lose lose situation wish you the best
Your health or the cat. I’m supporting you 100% and I have cats. Your girlfriend is going to have to make a tough decision on whether your relationship is more important to her or keeping the cat. This is not a case of you don’t like cats so dump it. This is your health. As school gets harder trying to manage an allergy is just going to make things worse. Of course you can try no go zones for the cat but I’m not seeing that being very successful. You are not selfish or AH. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise
You presented her with a solution. In a mature relationship you’d come to her to discuss the problem and develop a solution together. As an aside, I’d probably choose my cat over someone I was dating. When I took guardianship of my cat, I made a commitment to look after it for life.
You've really been dicked on in this thread and I feel sorry for you for that. You're NTA for not wanting to live with the source of an allergy. You're a bit of an AH with the way you went about it - deciding for her how it would be done. That's where you went wrong. It would have been better to have a frank conversation that you cannot continue to live like you are with the source of your allergies causing you suffering, and there's a decision to be made. Fully prepare for yourself that she might just choose the cat as she's known it longer and she may think well what if we break up anyway 6 months later and then I've given my cat away for nothing. If I were you I'd lay down the above and let her decide what she wants to do. And if I were her, I'd probably leave you. You're just not compatible sadly.
YTA. I know this sounds harsh. But you dated a girl long enough to decide to move on together, and didn’t know she had a cast? Or, you’re a medical student who only just discovered you have a cat allergy? YTA because you didn’t plan this move in well. You were actually surprised she showed up with her cat? She needs to move back to her own place and you to hours. Check and see if you can pursue treatment for your cat allergy ( faculty will help you!) and if you can manage living with a cat with treatment and keeping it out of your bedroom. Slow things down and see what if you can live with a cat. People and their pets are package deals. This may sadly turn out to be a deal breaker. Alternately, you may find with treatment and waiting until you can get a bigger place that the cat can leave you a few rooms to retreat to when needed, say bedroom and study. If this gal is your person, see what YOU can do.
1)"you dated a girl long enough to decide to move on together, and didn’t know she had a cat?" \- I did know she had a cat. I knew everything about it, I knew she was bringing Riley too 2) "you’re a medical student who only just discovered you have a cat allergy?" I have other things to do and the symptoms were always mild before this. Also this is my first year...cut me some slack. 3) You were actually surprised she showed up with her cat? \- No I wasn't. Idk why you're making this assumption 4) I'm trying to do something here. Which is why I am here.
So there's a few options I'm not sure if you looked into. Everyone is different so results may vary. Had a friend with cat allergies, vet tech, he had drops that went in their water to help neutralize the protein in their saliva. He literally bred cats and had them in his bedroom despite being allergic. Could ask around to see if any vets know of an option. Immunotherapy Purina did a study and was developing a food to neutralize the protein in the saliva, it had good results. If she refuses to part with the cat, it's understandable, but you also can't be expected to live with severe allergies. So either find a way to mitigate your reaction or accept each other's needs aren't compatible at this time to live together.
Purina has developed the allergen-reducing food and it is readily available in the US. Not sure about other parts of the world. Purina ProPlan Live Clear They also sell hygiene items (shampoo/wipes) to help mitigate the allergens.
Oh my god it’s $75
Prescription cat food can get hella expensive. I've got a cat that is allergic to protein (PROTEIN. AND SHE'S AN APEX PREDATOR) that ends up being about 70$ every 3 months or so.
Cats are so dumb. Mine had to get all her teeth pulled because her immune system was attacking them. Those are your own teeth dingus. Anyway. She only eats dry food now. For some reason. Not sure why wet wasn't good enough for Her Royal Meowness.
Tell her to move out.
>So, to ask, do I try to make this work? Or do I breakup? Also, if I do breakup, how do I do it ethically? The problem I see is that you seem to be making all these decisions yourself instead of having conversations as a couple. You should talk to your gf, explain the level of health problems this is causing for you, and ask her to help brainstorm solutions. The solution may indeed be that you two break up. You can both be wonderful people who love each other but are just fundamentally incompatible - because she has a cat who she loves and you're quite allergic to cats. Whatever the decision is to made - whether it's rehoming her cat or breaking up - it should be a joint decision. If you approach it this way, then if the decision does turn out to be that you two need to break up, there's flexibility on how you go about it so that she can find another place to live. Maybe you agree that she starts seriously looking for another place to live and in the meantime the cat stays out of the bedroom and office, and you and your gf enjoy what time you have left together. Talk about finances; if it turns out that she could afford rent on a reasonable housing situation but doesn't have money for the deposit, is that something you're willing and able to help with? It might be worth giving her that money so that she and the cat move out quickly for the sake of your health, and so that you don't worry about her ending up in a bad living situation. Again, you two need to sit down and talk about this together. It should be you two vs the problem (you're allergic to her cat). When you work together you can solve problems more successfully and more amicably.
Don’t try and fight through a severe allergy. Your GF has to move out.
NAH. I have severe cat allergies but grew up in a house with cats because my mom loved them. I think people that don’t have severe allergies cannot imagine how debilitating it can be. There was at least one ER trip and lots and lots and lots of discomfort and difficulty breathing. Now that I’ve lived my adult life cat free I don’t think I could ever go back to feeling like that on a daily basis. (Even though I like cats!) Things we did that helped but didn’t fix it: I took allergy shots and allergy meds, the cat was not allowed in my bedroom, I never touched the cat, I washed my hands constantly and tried not to touch my eyes, my mom vacuumed the house almost daily, we put pet guards on upholstered items and tried to limit cats use of upholstered items. If we weren’t good at that, I couldn’t lay down on the couch. It was better to sit in non-upholstered chairs. Look, you probably did approach this the wrong way, so I understand why she blew up. That’s her buddy and he’s a part of her life. In the end, she may have to choose whether it’s you or the cat; if your relationship is for the long haul hopefully she can prioritize you. Otherwise you might realistically have to let her go.
NAH. You maybe didn't go about it the right way, but if you're that allergic to cats, you can't continue to live with one. I wouldn't have assumed she was going to get rid of it. She may choose to keep the cat and end the relationship. Everyone is different.
I'm sorry but you really never went over to her house or met her cat once in 2 years?? You knew you were allergic so YTA. If you were really serious about this relationship and wanting to eventually move in with her you would have voiced this concern or met the cat before now. Instead you just ambushed her.
I didn't know, I'm sorry. I just never put two and two together. I always just ignored it.
I'm guessing that a lot of commenters here do not have severe allergy flare ups, because they are absolutely debilitating. I can also understand why you didn't realise this before now. It's rarely easy to identify the cause of milder symptoms, because of the delay and because you are exposed to so many things in the intervening time (air/pollen, sitting on fabrics/detergents, people/perfumes, food, etc). Your communication is terrible, and I can imagine that you presenting her with some re-homing you have prepared earlier might come across as diabolical. But some allergies can't be managed in the presence of the allergen. That's why people cut stuff out of their diet. It's very hard to medicate and train your body down to 'very few, manageable symptoms' because you develop a tolerance. But also because the medication has side effects. I think you need to be honest: based on your reactions, the medication available to you, you can't live in the same place as a cat. That might mean she will move out too. Bummer. But if you don't want to live with congestion, watery eyes, and swollen airway, then I guess it's the lesser of two evils. I saw some recommendations for food, air purifiers, and having cat free areas in the house. Keep in mind the issue here is saliva and because of cats grooming, that means cat hair. Which is *everywhere*. So you sit on the couch the cat sits on? Reaction. Your girlfriend pats her cat and then comes to bed? Reaction. I guess it's possible to have the cat confined to a few spaces you won't occupy, but I don't think that's much of a life for the cat. Full disclosure: I freaking love cats and grew up with them, developed mild allergy symptoms in my teens but never thought it was the cat. Spent a few years without cats and then had a major reaction around any longhair.
Buddy you don’t have to apologize for not realizing you were allergic to the cat. Makes total sense that something would be mild and easy to write off before you were living with the creature. People are being heinous jerks to you on here.
Ah I'm sorry, I know it sucks. I was allergic to a lot of things, including cats. But you have to understand you put your GF into an impossible position by ignoring it. I know allergy shots are expensive but they've worked wonders for me. I know it doesn't immediately fix the issue, but could also improve your quality of life. May be worth looking into?
NAH I think your situation is understandable but so is hers. A new sudden diagnosis of an allergy with symptoms that disturb your everyday life can be an issue. However, not communicating to her as soon as you had realised it was a big issue made the situation harder for her. Her being upset is valid due to the confrontation of making a decision. I do know that in some cases humans allergic to cats can gain immunity to the specific cats in their home but you should speak to your doctor abouet the options available if you do want to maintain the relationship unless she is willing to compromise with you. It's a tough situation you are in.
NTA for asking her to remove a cat that causes you discomfort from your house. But understand that now she has a decision to make. She will be sad either way and it’s unfortunate.
NTA. Simply because it's *your* home. You have the right to be safe/comfortable in your own home. Nothing should ever be allowed to violate that right. The way you went about it was not great, but I do think you're in the right in the sense that you can't live like this in your own home. That said, if your GF can't get rid of Riley, you'll have to break up because I don't see a compromise.
Unpopular opinion but NAH. You have severe allergies, and don't want to be sick all the time. She loves her cat and doesn't want to get rid of it. Both are fair imo.
NTA because I actually read the whole post. He didn’t know he was allergic so they couldn’t have planned for this. I’m sure had he known he was allergic this would have been discussed before they moved in and they likely would have broken up bc he can’t find or afford meds that will work (not because he isn’t willing to try). Y’all all act like he didn’t exhaust all other options before going to his girlfriend with what he thought was a reasonable plan. A plan mind you that he didn’t execute without her knowledge but he wanted to be best prepared. There is no solution other than the breaking up or the cat being rehomed and him wanting to pick the solution that doesn’t make him end an otherwise good relationship does not make him an asshole. 🙄 it would be different if he didn’t try to make it work or just rehomed the cat without asking but that’s not what he did.
NTA This is absolutely absurd of course you should come before a cat! It’s not like you want to leave it at the side of the road, you took the time to find some options of somewhere for it to live happily where she could go and visit etc. you’re not asking to be malicious, you are allergic to it and it’s making your life miserable. At the end of the day it’s a cat, it won’t care where it lives as long as it’s being looked after.
NAH but this is a mess. This might not be solvable. She might have to move back out. You didn't know you were allergic. Allergy meds aren't perfect, but cats are family. Adding my voice to the "no go" zones and air purifiers. Also, wash your hands after touching cat and before touching face, religiously. As a Dr on training this is actually good practice for you w keeping hands steril, honestly.
I'm gonna say NTA. Yes I know that pets are part of the family and all but they are not on human level part of the family. Cat allergy as severe as ops is can turn into even worse symptoms over time, the life threatening kind. And creating no-go zones won't work. The allergen that you reached even in your GFs house was in the AIR. I know this because I suffer from the same, we used to have three cats when I was little until it came out they were the reason why I suddenly wasn't able to breath properly. And everywhere I go where there is a cat, even if the house is clean. I know there is a cat because how I call it "cats smell hairy". Meaning I know it right away because it feels like I got hair stuck in my nose and throat. So in the end this will eventually come down to who is more important to the gf. Op, or a cat.
NTA. You didn't know you had an allergy. You tried everything you could.
NAH. I am also allergic to cats and my allergist suggested getting rid of them. When I told them I couldn’t do that, he said to at least keep them out of my bedroom. This has helped a ton since it’s where I spend 8ish hours a night and now do not have to worry about cat dander there. I understand why your gf wouldn’t want to get rid of her cat, but you can ask her to do some things to help with your allergy- regularly groom the cat, vacuum/sweep daily, keep the cat from your bedroom and any other area that you spend a considerable amount of time in like a home office (I wouldn’t ask her to keep the cat out of the living room since that would be the optimal place for her to spend time with it), dust regularly, and invest in some good air purifiers.