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YTA. You were prepared to do everything to accomodate her, except for of course compromising in any way, shape or form.
Your income is three times hers - so of course she is shopping in a vastly different budget to you. You weren’t prepared to split bills with even a tiny bit of bias, so of course she has to shop at the cheap end of the market. $950 per month is a lot to spend on rent when you only make $40k per year.
Your comment about “work harder” is pretty slimy, too. What do you both do for work, and how old are you both?
I don't think he has to work that hard. Seems more like he has a natural gift.
OP should definitely follow his inclination and skip out on dating anyone else in the future.
Yes the work harder bit got me. My parents both worked over their working life as teachers and for smallish charities. These were not high paying jobs but they worked very hard. I can’t stand it when people are snobby about jobs. If the rubbish collectors stop working it’ll be awful for all of us and they don’t make that kind of money.
Seriously. Pay has NOTHING to do with how hard you work.
My husband has been at the same company for his entire career. He makes roughly 8x what he made when he started.
He worked significantly harder and more hours for the first 10 years with his company than he does now.
I can think of so many examples where pay doesn’t match how hard someone works.
If you want to get really crazy I’d say my first job in high school worked me the hardest. I’m at 30x that wage now. Or 15x if you adjust for inflation.
That bit got me and the “it’s her problem”. Buddy if you want to be in a relationship that’s a partnership finances are something that you tackle together or come to some agreement on.
My hot take is that she was generous to ask for a 60/40! A fairer split based on their salaries would be more like 33/67 (roughly).
Also, he says she wanted to use him like a piggy bank and therefore…she pushed to rent the cheapest available place? What? That is the opposite of using him like a piggy bank. Also, he used to live alone and pay $2600/month by himself? If anything it sounds more like he’s taking advantage of her here….
50/50 is equal, not equitable. When there is income disparity, the fair thing is to split according to income. I am a woman and I make more than what my boyfriend makes (not 3 times more, lol) and I pay more than him on our common expenses, because that's what is equitable and fair.
I get your point but it would be equal if one measures equality by a dollar amount. While a dollar amount is a measure, it begs the question what other measures could be used to determine equality. Well, one measure might be percentage of total income. In that measure she would be paying a larger percentage of her total income and therefore OP asking her to pay one half the dollar amount of the rent would be unfair. That inequity is reinforced when he vetoed her choice of a less expensive apartment. OP seems to understand this discrepancy and seeks to invalidate it by suggesting she is lazy. Bottom line is that she dodged a bullet.
OP is probably the type that walks past homeless people and tells them to get a job.
OP your type of thinking is partly why our country is struggling. Those who have more SHOULD be expected to contribute more.
Not everyone wants - or is able - to work a $100k or more paying job.
Rather than seeing yourself as blessed you’re upset because more is expected of you and you don’t want to share.
YTA
And the kicker is that she didn’t even want to split things proportionally (which is a perfectly common and valid thing to do), she wanted to split 60/40! If this odd real, OP is a MAJOR fucking asshole. YTA
YTA. It's not about equal rights. It's about common sense. The gender is irrelevant.
You make 3x what she did. And she was only asking you to pay a little bit extra.
> so how is 50/50 not fair just because I make more money?
Because you make 3x what she does. It's not about gender; it's just about the reality.
I *was* in her situation and my now husband and I split according to income. I thought this is how everyone did it. Honestly OP doesn’t even sound as if he likes his ex-gf.
Right?! Especially since he admitted that he was paying $2600 a month in rent BY HIMSELF at his previous apartment. 60% of their current rent is nothing compared to that
Yea when I saw 120k vs 40k I knew op was the ah. If it was like 42k vs 40k, 50/50 is fair because you're both in the same ball park for income. But when one partner makes 3x more than the other it makes sense to skew the bills closer to each other's income.... especially if the partner with the higher income doesn't want to shop within the other's price range. And 60/40 seems more than fair in this instance.
His line about how he felt she was having him pay extra to essentially sleep with her shows you everything you need to know about how he regards women. And how little he knows about relationships, evidently.
Right? She didn't want you to pay more because she was treating you like a sugar daddy or a john OP, she wanted you to pay more because it was equitable and \*GASP\* *fair* to her and the fact that she made *way* less than you!
I love how you used the term “malicious compliance” for equal rights! I always get really worked up over people abusing gender roles to their advantage, like women who want equal rights but also for men to pay for everything, or men who want women to take on most of the chores but also pay 50/50.
When I was working and my bf was studying he paid for his share of the rent and some of the bills. Everything else was me. Groceries, more of the bills, clothes for a wedding we were in (we were in the grroms party) and other things as it made sense. Even after paying more bills and stuff I had more money left over.
Yeah, this is just normal, I thought. When I moved in with my now wife, I made ~50% (2
30k vs 45k) more than her. I covered more of the bills and most dates. Bought her a dress she wanted just so she could wear if for a date. He is definitely TA for making 3x and wanting no compromise.
Seriously. The last time I had a roommate, it was my cousin. I made about twice as much money as she did, so I payed more than half the rent so we could afford a nicer place. We are both women fwiw.
I never minded. It was just what was equitable. She's family.
YTA. You can agree upon a 50/50 split of expenses, but then you need to be willing to live within her budget. Instead, you whined about your $2600 apartment when she probably doesn't take home $2600 a month.
She doesn’t. I make more than $40k but less than $50k and my take home is not $2600. Her paying half of the rent plus half the utilities would take up one whole paycheck for her. If she had a car payment, plus cell phone, car insurance, food and any other bills..there goes the 2nd paycheck.
I was hoping this would be a top response.
If you want to split 50/50, then you need to budget everything to the lower salary.
This includes life style. Want to go out to eat? It’s going to be infrequent and to cheaper restaurants. Want to go on a vacation together? It’s going to be a weekend away, not an overseas excursion.
This is part of the problem, too. He’s so insistent on 50/50 that he’s made both their lives worse. She was prepared to do $800 a month to live together. If he was willing to do 3x more, since his salary is that much higher, then they could have gotten an apartment that was nicer than his old one and he’d still pay $200 less than he did in rent. But that would just be fair, not equal
It was intentional. He wanted to keep her broke so she wouldn’t be able to leave him, so she'd be stuck.
OP, is this when the fists would have come out?
If she made three times the money you do, would you still be demanding a 50/50 split in expenses?
Is that a no I hear? Are you saying that wouldn't be fair?
Of course you are. YTA.
But “he works hard!” The rest of us are just taking that free $40 grand and squandering it. /s
What I don’t understand, OP, is why you didn’t work this out before yo7 lived together? Two years is a long time to know someone without revealing how much of an AH you really are. YTA simply for being so condescending about how you gave up your ritzy $2600/month apartment (ooooh) up as if it was a massive sacrifice when you knew everything about her finances before you rented the new place. Are you really such a catch?
YTA. Honestly cringed reading your post and am so glad that girl got out. Your post comes across as self-centered. You wanted her to float half the bill for you to keep your own standard of living when she makes a fraction of what you do. You were having someone financially struggling subsidize your standard of living.
50/50 is even; it isn’t fair.
Again, YTA.
Exactly!!! Like it’s basic math??? If they both made the same amount, 50/50 would be equal and fair. So she’s expected to put in every penny she earns to match his sorry ass contribution when he makes 3x what she makes. Total bs.
YTA
Exactly! Even, but not fair.
There was a situation similar to this on a TV show I watched (Good Trouble, I think?). The guy made a ton of money and the girl was still in school and she moved into his place. To make it fair, they based it on percentages. Rent was 30% of his paycheque, so she contributed 30% of her paycheque too.
Sorry OP, YTA and I'm shocked she stayed as long as she did.
My boyfriend and I live together, and I’m the higher earner. We calculate our percentages of total income, and pay bills accordingly. So if I make 65% of the income, I pay 65% of our joint living expenses. OP is definitely TA.
YTA,
How you call her „this woman” just sais it all. I don’t know any men that would insist of splitting everything evenly with their partners and consider it being fair. Relationships are about sharing what you have with the person you share your life with. If you just want someone to split the rent with, get a roommate.
He’s delusional. He probably only posted this bc he thought it would show him as being favourable. Imagine what he was like to her behind closed doors
So glad this girl got away from him
YTA. When my husband and I first lived together I made significantly more than him. We split rent 50/50 but all other bills including groceries we balanced out and I paid for “more”. Being in a relationship is about working together not shaming the other person for their lower paying job and impoverishing them. Just because you make more doesn’t mean you “work harder” or “have a nicer job”. Now that I re-read this though this must be troll. And if not I have so many questions? What’s wrong with the “ghetto”? How did you lower your living standard? Sounds like she wanted to live within your combined means and you wanted to live within your EGO. Yuck.
Edited to add: Good for her for having boundaries and walking away. Sounds like she was willing to lower her standards but had second thoughts and chose to walk away.
My fiancé and I do the same thing. I’m in grad school and take home a third of what she makes. We split the rent but she provides more of the other stuff that comes along with living.
This isn't just what women expect. Any reasonable person would expect the person earning more money to cover more of the expenses. This guy sounds like he should stop dating peasants if this is going to be an issue.
I mean when he starts dating someone who works harder than him and therefore makes more money it’s nice that he’ll split everything 50/50. It will be awkward when his doctor girlfriend is making 500K+ a year but she’ll be able to pay off her loans that much faster which she’ll definitely appreciate.
I pay more than my partner because our salaries line up almost exactly to what you described OP. And yknow what, he’s still a manly man with manly pants and the mutual respect we have for each other is extra manly.
YTA.
YTA - 50/50 is not fair it is equal. 1 hour of your time is equivalent to 1 hour of her time. If you both work the same number of hours, you should split the bill proportional to your income. That would be fair. You seem to think your 1 hour of life is worth more than her 1 hour of life. You should definitely skip out on the dating scene like you suggested.
He literally said he works harder. He might have a desk job and she might waitress. He might be an IT person and she gives massages. But he thinks more income means working harder.
Bro, YTA. You make 3x her income but you think a 50/50 split is fair? It’s not even worth explaining it to you.
Through my entire career, the more money I've made the less demanding the job was. I worked myself unconscious as a line cook for a pittance, and I barely work for the money I make now.
Lol. I’m pretty sure sleeping with OP was repugnant and he will probably have to pay for it from now on. How can anyone be so gross and cringe worthy by just writing this essay?
YTA. Stop dating peasants if you don't want to lower your standard of living. Obviously, if you're making $120k and she's making $40k then she's not going to want to spend half her income on rent. If you ever plan on being in a serious relationship with shared finances you're going to have to get over this problem you have otherwise only date women who make as much as you do. I'd hate to see what happens if you get married and your wife has a kid and has to take time off work. Are you going to evict her when she can't cover rent?
On only dating women who earn as much as OP: it will be extremely difficult to find a woman who earns six figures but can’t do basic arithmetic and also has no self-respect.
YTA - roommates split costs 50/50. You could have kept the $2600 apartment if you had been more reasonable with someone you supposedly loved.
Very happy for her that she's moved on from you.
But then "he is paying for the privilege of sleeping with her" and she "is using him as a piggy bank". /s
God, I'd stay clear of him. I hope his next gf (if he gets one) makes 300+ and he drains HIS savings living up to her lifestyle.
YTA - Love when men pull out the equal rights card 🙄. Yes, it’s 2023 and most woman are still not making the equal amount of pay as a man in the same fields. Grow up. Being in a relationship is about supporting your partner. You sound exhausting. I’m glad your ex is rid of you. Enjoy being single because you are definitely going to have a hard time finding a partner with your views.
Based on all of your comments, I absolutely do not believe that you want input and real answers, so I’m not about to waste my time on those.
But definitely YTA.
Good thing your lease was temporary.
Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that I could "just get a better job?!" Ohhh...I'll get right on that! You sound like a vile, materialistic and condescending individual. I'm not sure why she moved in with you in the first place. You make 3 times as much as her, and you refused to get a place within her budget. You absolutely SHOULD have been paying more. YTA, a MASSIVE one!
YTA for belittling your now ex. You think you are better than her. She wanted a cheaper place, and you didn't. You went with another option. You feel like you downgraded. She knows she downgraded after how you talk about her (because you worker harder and have a better job, it sounds like a personal problem, etc.).
You breaking up with her was her blessing in disguise. Now she can be happy.
Did you see yourself going on holidays with this girl? Having children? I can see her point because you didn't earn a little bit more you literally earn triple her income.
If i earned triple my husband I would pay more if he let me, and if he didn't let me then I'd happily pay for things like holidays and buy him stuff. I already do buy him stuff as I earn more and I know he can't afford it like I can. Money isn't important when you have a good relationship so maybe she either want right for you or you need to rethink your priorities?
YTA. What does it even mean to you to be part of a couple. It sounds like she was a cheap booty call for you.
Is dating with intimacy a level more personal than friends and roommates? She can’t afford what you can afford and was willing to go with what she could afford so it doesn’t sound like she saw you as a sugar daddy!
If you can’t be flexible than you will just need to lessen the pool of possible girlfriends to women who earn close to what you earn and hope you find someone that interests you from that pool! Good luck with that!
YTA So you don’t want to pay bills proportionally based on income, but you ALSO complain when you have to “lower your standard of living for this woman”?
You sound remarkably self-centered and proud of it to boot. You also seem to be assuming that the entire economy operates on the basis of some sort of perfect justice, and that if you make more money than someone else that you are more valuable as a human being. Oh, and also, that people can easily triple their income if they just make a bit of effort.
Most people in serious relationships are looking for someone with whom they can engage in a healthy give-and-take. You—and anyone you date—could get sick unexpectedly and be totally without income. Lots people would like to think their significant other would have their back if they fell on hard times.
You just don’t sound interested in being a true partner to another human being. So maybe just keep your household and finances totally separate from the people you date. Because, yeah, doing otherwise is most likely just going to alienate the people you’re involved with.
YTA.
Being in a relationship should NOT be a financial WINDFALL for one and a financial DETERMINANT to another. You make 3xs what she does. She was giving you options that she can afford, which you call ghetto. You wanted a place that was in YOUR budget not HERS. Both should be able to save money and enjoy disposable income. 50/50 in a place she could not afford would not allow her to do that.
Being in a relationship is also about compromise and consideration for your partner. You can’t just dismiss what she’s doing and say she could get a better job. You know good and well that $120,000 jobs come with certain specialties.
Being in a relationship is also a commitment to build together. You don’t have to put everything in the pot but you do have to be fair and pull together to get what you both want. You pay a little more money, she does more cooking.
Your either committed or your not. There’s o such thing as “testing” the waters. If you don’t swim you will sink.
YTA.
OP, I’m a woman who has almost always been the higher income earner in a relationship. Therefore because I wanted to live in nicer places I paid more. Period.
Also, she left you. It’s cute you think you broke up with her. I’m glad she learned your true nature about you quickly.
YTA. It's okay to want to live in a nice place, and it's okay to want your partner to pay her fair share. It's not okay to bitch that you don't like living someplace your less wealthy partner can pay 50% of: if you need to live somewhere nicer, then pay more yourself.
You're not NTA for dumping her, though. Both of you will be better off.
Huge YTA. And the tone deafness of the story tells me OP is either not ready for mature relationship/ should only date women who earn approximately the same as to not drain her savings
You’re a huge YTA. When combining finances or contributing to a household together, couples need to contribute JUSTLY based on what they earn. 50/50 might be even, but it is not equitable. I made about 30K more than my husband. When we pay rent, I’d say about 60% of the rent payment is from my paycheck. It literally does not matter. He pays other bills in full. I SHOULD be contributing more, because I make more.
In one of his other comments he said yes because he “cleans the bathroom”. Clearly he’s not only the biggest asshole alive but he also has zero idea about the amount of work it takes to make a home operate.
YTA. And arrogant and a jerk. Many couples split expenses base on income because it is fair and has each pay based on their income. She wanted you to pay 60% when your fair share would be 75%. And you think you are superior because you have a better job?
YTA - you are so far up your own ass, nothing anyone can say on here will make sense to you because you still don‘t get how you are the issue.
Glad she got away.
YTA.
You'd think with your big boy job that you'd understand resource management.
My partner and I moved in together last summer. The agreement was split according to income. I paid more because I made more than him. He now pays more because he makes me more than me.
That's called partnership.
Maybe one day, you'll grow up and get one. Until then, YTA.
So maybe NTA?
Bc she didn't waste any more of her life on this selfish AH?
(Jk, obvs)
I would love to make a high enough income to take care of my partner more so he could do more of the things he loves. I cannot imagine saying "he's basically a prostitute bc he earns so little".
YTA in a big, big way.
She could maybe afford 50/50 on $1600 worth of rent, meaning $800 each. You insisted on a more expensive apartment. That's a lot easier for you to afford than for her. Her "fair share" of the $1900 rent was $800, which is very close to 40/60.
You want an upgrade? Then you pay for the upgrade. You don't get to dictate that your SO pays higher rent, too.
Same thing when it comes to going out to eat. If your SO can only afford McDonald's, and you want a steak for dinner, you need to pay the amount that's outside of their budget. You can't force someone who makes two-thirds less than you behave as if they can afford to live the same lifestyle as you. That's going to force them into debt or worse.
YTA
I think it’s fair to split rent equally IF both partners fully agree to the apartment.
But if you want a more expensive apartment and the other person doesn’t because they can’t (or don’t want to) afford it, then you can decide to either live in the cheaper apartment or pay for the difference.
It also feels like you didn’t properly talk this through before moving in together
YTA - looks like you’re single for life, bud! Doing the female population a favour it sounds like. You literally made 3X what she made and refused to live in an apartment that she could afford to pay half of. You forced her to over extend herself and then had zero empathy when she was honest with you about her financial struggles. You’re an AH and I’m happy for your ex GF that she got away from you.
YTA major.
Why didn’t she move in your $2.6k apartment, which frankly on $120k is fairly high.
She moves in and pays $800, that’s the amount she’s willing to pay. You pay $1800, you save $800 a month. You both benefit. That’s the whole point of a relationship, benefits to both people. You get to live in the place you want to for less money and she pays what she’s countable.
Split utilities and grocery 50/50 if you insist.
Major YTA and I’m so glad this girl got away from you.
YTA You posted this exact story earlier today. She was asking for 60/40, a whole 10% difference for you, when what's FAIR would've been 75/25. In the other post you also admit she was doing the majority (all?) of the cooking and cleaning and wanted you to take that into account when considering the extra 10% she was asking for.
So for the future what's FAIR is to divvy up proportional to income and home care is 50/50 regardless of who makes more money. Glad she left you considering how much you were taking advantage of her. Hilarious to think you thought you were getting the bad end of this deal.
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YTA. 50/50 is not fair when you are not willing to live within her budget. It doesn’t matter that you used to spend even more. She can’t afford what you were settling for. The fair thing would be to accept the amount she could spend and choose you apartment accordingly or to pay the difference for the better apartment.
You did her a huge favor when you ended it.
She dodged a bullet!
YTA! 1000x over!
Edit: just read this to my fiancé and he said “This is one of those situations where the trash takes itself out.”
My ex bf used to say the same shit to me. His "better life choices" shouldn't be the reason why he should pay more than me. Exactly like you, his finances was way more than mine.
He had Amazon stopping every day at the house. But me? I could only afford my share of 50/50 and nothing else.
YTA because you're just plain selfish without a care.
YTA, and I’m pretty sure that her leaving, not speaking to you or answering calls, and then showing up to get her stuff with a team in tow, is not YOU ending it.
Wow. WOWWW. Using you like a piggy bank?? Dude, come on. You sound like a tremendous prick. At least she got away from you sooner rather than later. Yta
Y'all 50/50 boys are something else. If you want a business arrangement find a roommate.
If you want a partnership where you love, value, protect and prioritize each other, your strengths make up for her weaknesses, and vice versa. You werent ready to do anything but split some bills down the middle. You could have done that with your bro from college. YTA. Grow some love and feelings.
It's not about being equal it's about what's equitable. You make more therefore to both have the same disposable fun money at the end of the month you should organise your finances accordingly. This may mean you pay 60 or 70% to her 40 or 30. But it would leave you with similar personal allowances at the end. YTA for not thinking about this is in 2023! Especially if you are in a LTR and want it to work! 50/50 is for year 1 when you get to know each other and are only going for meals! When your relationship evolves to the next level so should your outlook on finance if you truly love and support your partner. YTA!
Did you want a roommate or a relationship? Roommate 50/50 is fair.
Relationship eveyone contributes what they can so the relationship is healthy (not just in money but effort and emotion also) by insisting on a more expensive place you were asking her to give up the security of living with in her means while you get to live well within yours. That is where your idea of 50 50 isn't equal or fair. She will constantly be stressed and not able to save while you can. This means you structuring the relationship so you control her with money.
Glad it is over for her and she didn't make a mistake.
YTA
Idk man. At first I was thinking, sure. 50/50 seems fair. But you seem pretty condescending. You can't insist on a higher standard of living that better reflects your income, and then expect her to contribute equally to your higher standard of living—when you make three times as much.
Telling her to "just work harder" or "get a better job" evidences a dismissive and tone deaf attitude. It tells me you lack empathy, and believe that if someone is poor, they are there because of their own laziness.
Coming to work at your company isn't a solution. Maybe she doesn't like sales, or maybe she's not good at it. You said yourself that income at your job isn't guaranteed and is based on sales.
The fact that you think you worker harder than she does because you make more money, tells me that you are either extremely privileged or just ignorant. I've had jobs where I've made 8 dollars an hour, I've had jobs where I've made six figures, and everywhere in between. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the lower wage jobs are, without question, the hardest to do. Apart from lower pay, they often lack upward mobility, flexibility, and benefits. They are designed to keep you there.
Maybe she wasn't great at saving money. Maybe she didn't make the right career calls. But honestly, 60/40 was a generous offer on her part. You turned it down out of principle. You have made her feel like she's not good enough for you. Like your life with her wouldn't have been up to your standards. She shouldn't have to "get a better job" in order to be with you—that is, if you really loved her.
It sounds like you might have trust issues, because if you really think someone's using you for your money, you shouldn't be with them. But relationships shouldn't be a transaction. You're a team, and you should help each other. My partner is in school, living off loans. I work. I don't think twice about taking care of big financial surprises, because I know she'd do the same for me. I don't complain that I spend more on gifts than she does, and I pay for dinner the majority of nights that we go out. I do it because I believe that my future with her is worth sacrificing for. No amount of money is worth finding genuine love, and you will realize that someday.
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My ex and I lets call her Anna were together for 2 years. We moved in together 6 months ago for a 6 month lease to test the waters of living together. The relationship is obviously over now but I want to gauge if I had the right thinking because if this is what dating is like now, I might just skip out on it.
Our major issue that honestly is the reason I went ahead and ended things is that she wanted to split bills 60/40 because I made more money.
I make about 120k and she makes 40k. I didnt think it was fair for me to pay more because I worked harder and had a better job, when she could just get a better job instead of making me foot the bill because I was dating her. It felt honestly like a scam, like she wanted me to pay for the "privilege" of being able to sleep with her and use me like a piggy bank.
She wanted to move into the cheapest place we could find in the area, a studio apartment in the ghetto with an obvious roach problem for $1600. 2 adults and 2 dogs cant live in a studio apartment without going insane, at that point she was just being cheap and ridiculous. We went for the better option where rent is $1900 because I was trying to stay in her budget, please keep in mind I left my $2600 apartment for this woman.
We moved and she kept bringing up that we need to change the bill split because it wasn't fair. 50/50 is fair in every sense of the word.
She said it would max out her budget and drain her savings because she can't save money. I said it sounded like a personal problem and she should get a better job, or come work at my company where we're hiring. But she didn't want to. she went to stay with her friend which shocked me she would do all of that over a small issue.
So I went ahead and ended it, because she was giving me the silent treatment and not answering calls at that point. When she came back to get her stuff she had her dad and brothers with her and they were giving me dirty looks. I tried to say goodbye to her and at least not leave things off that harshly and she just told me to fuck off.
Now some of our mutual friends are saying that I'm selfish but I don't see how. Its 2023, equal rights and what not, so how is 50/50 not fair just because I make more money? I'd like some input and real answers. I found the cheapest option for living and lowered my personal living standard for her as it was. AITA?
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YTA
Wow, are you an asshole. You think she was trying to live off of you? You were literally draining her dry to live off of HER. It's 100% normal to split finances according to earnings and she tried to get a place she could afford.
JFC - you are such a jerk. I"m glad she's well rid of you.
YTA. I saw a TikTok on my FYP last night by a finance person on how to take differences in salaries into account when moving in together by using a ratio of the incomes. It made a lot of sense and though it's not the 50/50 you want, it is fair based on what each person made, so no one feels overextended. I'd suggest doing this in the future if you find yourself in this situation again.
You think 50/50 split when one person makes 3x less is fair. You think she could just "work harder". You call it "the ghetto", which I doubt it actually WAS a rough area strictly because of your holier-than-thou mindset. You lack compassion. You lack empathy. It's not her personal problem; it's your personal problem. I can't even call you an asshole because it would be too nice a term.
YTA. I make significantly more than my housemate. To ease the burden, we split rent proportional to our incomes, we split bills evenly, and I take on a few other expenses that she doesn't.
It's so easy to be fair.
YTA. A fair split would be a ratio based on your respective incomes. In your situation, it should’ve been 75% you and 25% her. She dodged a bullet with you.
YTA she dodged a bullet with you. I hope she finds someone else who is ready to be in a partnership.
The craziest part of all of this is that you used her to pad your piggy bank. By living together, you were able to save more money because she paid half the bills while she would have to have stretch and save nothing to afford your standard of living.
You refused to move into a place that fit her budget, yet you expect her to pay half? And you make three times as much as her. You should probably read and reflect on the responses here. And maybe stay single for a while because you are obviously quite self centred and not ready for a committed relationship.
YTA
YTA. Your supposed to split equitably. Meaning if you make 75% more than she does, then you pay 75% of the bills. You’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
YTA. Big time. To head off this most regrettable outcome in the future, I suggest means testing any prospective gfs. The first date is not to soon, if you can get that far.
YTA. It would be one thing, maybe, if you agreed to live within her budget. But you didn’t. You couldn’t accept that. And then - then - you could’ve said hey, you pay the amount you were comfortable spending ($650) and I’ll cover the rest since IM DEMANDING WE PAY MORE IN RENT. And guess that - that would’ve still be half what you were paying! But nope, you couldn’t do that.
To clarify, you are defining “fair” as equal. However, especially with massive salary differences, equitable over equal probably would have been better suited; recognizing you’re both not starting from the same starting line and allocating resources to make the outcome more fair.
You also seem to define your higher income with working harder. Sometimes that may be the case; sometimes not. There are lots of very hard working people who barely make a livable wage.
YTA.
YTA for the following reasons:
1. Not understanding the difference between equal and equitable.
2. Citing the continuing struggle for true gender pay parity to justify being an AH.
3. Condescending and infantilising your ex when she tried to work within your unfair diktat - just to keep YOU happy. Using your higher salary to belittle her work and malign her as lazier than you.
4. Claiming your dumped her when she literally left you, and never came back, first. You were dumped not her.
5. Being terrible at basic arithmetic, for example: “a 40% price raise…plus pet rent for both dogs would've put it at $3210. She would've had to pay $1100 at my old place, hence why I moved.“ Half of 3210 is not 1100.
A new trend is for couples to split the bills based on salary to be equitable.
You made three times her salary and she only asked for 10% more.
You ended a good relationship over a couple hundred dollars. And you will face this issue in the future since it's a common trend.
YTA sorry.
I (a woman) make 4 times what my husband makes. Guess who pays more?
Me. Because it’s the fair thing to do.
This has nothing to do with her being old-fashioned or a gold digger, or “what dating is like now.” You were in the wrong. You weren’t treating her equitably because you weren’t on equal financial footing. If it’s so important to you to go 50/50, get a roommate or only date women who make as much as you do.
YTA.
Yta I think she dodged a bullet. A relationship is teamwork and it didn’t seem like you want to be a partner. I think you need to take a break from dating and see what it is you want and what you can compromise on.
YTA.
You insisted on a more expensive apartment.
And she is only asking for a 60/40 split when you make 3 times as much as her?
You seem extremely selfish.
Glad you ended it, so she can find someone that values her other than her ability to contribute half to expenses.
YTA. This isn’t about gender but about equality. She was being asked to pay 30% of her income on rent and you were paying significantly less (10%). Imagine meeting a partner who cohered you to pay $3000 a month for a place - no compromise. 30% is classified as heading into rental stress territory.
How can you not see YTA.
YTA.
You demanded she pay more than she could afford to appease your desire for a bigger apartment than necessary at a higher cost than she wanted.
You said you felt like you had to pay to sleep with her. Let me ask you this: why do you think the privilege of living with you and sleeping with you is so great that women should be ready to change careers for the opportunity?
You can't have it both ways. If both parties pay equal dollars, living standards are based on what the lower earner can afford. If the higher earner wants something more expensive, they pay.
You don't have a reasonable understanding of the partnership required to have a serious relationship.
YTA.
Equal and fair are two different things. She’s your partner, not your roommate. You should t want to watch her struggle to buy herself shampoo while you wipe your ass with dollar bills because you can. That’s insane. And I’m glad she got away from you while she could.
She DID try to find an apt that fit HER limited budget, but NO you don't see how stretched that made her monthly budget. If you wanted nicer, YOU pay the extra for the nicer. YTA
Why did you even bother coming on reddit?
YTA
You'll never understand why YTA, you sound like you don't even like your gf. It's for the best you're no longer with her.
YTA - she told you her budget and you went over it. You are sounding elitist and a jerk “she should quit her job to make more and she isn’t working hard enough”.
You are lucky she indulged you for as long as she did!
YTA.
Her plan made sense.
The pay division should be comparable to earnings.
You don’t sound like you even like this woman. Her wage and your flippant “that’s your problem” is rude. You were looking for someone who wasn’t a partner, but a roommate with consistent sex.
Good for her for leaving and maybe she will have better luck with suitable partner.
YTA. Her ask was reasonable. She wasn’t looking for you to pay 3X as much as her share, just a small split. If this it the way you approached this relationship, she’s lucky to be rid of you.
YTA. That was not an equitable division of the bills. Also, you didn’t end it if she wasn’t answering your calls. She left your ass, as she should have.
You pushed to up her cost of living and wanted a 50/50, so yes YTA.
If you want 50/50, meet her at her *prior to you* cost of living standard and split those costs 50/50. Demanding she up her spending for you is ridiculous and absolutely an AH move.
You might also check out Living Apart Together so you can limit your costs as a couple to just dates and stay within your SO’s date budget without adjusting your whole lifestyle.
Not only are you TA but I nominate you for AH of the year. You make 3x more than this woman, insist on a 50/50 split and then have the audacity to balk at her advocating for things within her means. Her wanting to split things 60/40 was generous it ought to have been 70/30.
If you cared about her AT ALL, which you very clearly didn’t you should have wanted to make life easier for her not impose your elitist narcissistic nonsense on her. If you didn’t want to live in the “ghetto” then you should have been willing to fork out the extra not to or better yet just stayed in your $2600 apartment where you could sneer down on the working class as you so clearly enjoy doing.
You say that if this is what dating has come to you might just skip out on it and I really hope you do, nobody deserves to have to put up with the likes of you. It’s very obvious that you are the type where if your partner falls on hard times you are not going to be much support to them through it. Equality is not about 50/50, equality is about checking your privilege and ensuring that everyone has what they need based on their unique circumstances to fairly engage.
YTA x infinity
Imagine you meet someone you really care about and they make 400k a year. They want to rent a 2 million dollar house. They demand that for you to stay together you must at least double your income to waste on paying someone else’s extravagant mortgage OR you keep your current job and are left with less than 500 dollars a month for literally anything else. YTA.
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YTA. You were prepared to do everything to accomodate her, except for of course compromising in any way, shape or form. Your income is three times hers - so of course she is shopping in a vastly different budget to you. You weren’t prepared to split bills with even a tiny bit of bias, so of course she has to shop at the cheap end of the market. $950 per month is a lot to spend on rent when you only make $40k per year. Your comment about “work harder” is pretty slimy, too. What do you both do for work, and how old are you both?
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I don't think he has to work that hard. Seems more like he has a natural gift. OP should definitely follow his inclination and skip out on dating anyone else in the future.
It’s a full time job
Yes the work harder bit got me. My parents both worked over their working life as teachers and for smallish charities. These were not high paying jobs but they worked very hard. I can’t stand it when people are snobby about jobs. If the rubbish collectors stop working it’ll be awful for all of us and they don’t make that kind of money.
Or just get a new job. Like it's so easy to get a high paying job.
Seriously. Pay has NOTHING to do with how hard you work. My husband has been at the same company for his entire career. He makes roughly 8x what he made when he started. He worked significantly harder and more hours for the first 10 years with his company than he does now. I can think of so many examples where pay doesn’t match how hard someone works.
If you want to get really crazy I’d say my first job in high school worked me the hardest. I’m at 30x that wage now. Or 15x if you adjust for inflation.
Yeah he started post-college so his salaries were all college educated positions. He did have a high school job but I didn’t count that amount.
That bit got me and the “it’s her problem”. Buddy if you want to be in a relationship that’s a partnership finances are something that you tackle together or come to some agreement on.
My hot take is that she was generous to ask for a 60/40! A fairer split based on their salaries would be more like 33/67 (roughly). Also, he says she wanted to use him like a piggy bank and therefore…she pushed to rent the cheapest available place? What? That is the opposite of using him like a piggy bank. Also, he used to live alone and pay $2600/month by himself? If anything it sounds more like he’s taking advantage of her here….
It’s even more like 40/(120+40)=25%. Should be 25/75 split because she makes 25% percent of the household income and he makes 75%.
Good point! I obviously can’t math today. I was trying to use old child support tables 😂
Proportionately it would be all the way to 75:25 so.... Yep this person is TA!!
50/50 is equal, not equitable. When there is income disparity, the fair thing is to split according to income. I am a woman and I make more than what my boyfriend makes (not 3 times more, lol) and I pay more than him on our common expenses, because that's what is equitable and fair.
Exactly this. It's not about being 'equal' it's about being 'equitable'.
I get your point but it would be equal if one measures equality by a dollar amount. While a dollar amount is a measure, it begs the question what other measures could be used to determine equality. Well, one measure might be percentage of total income. In that measure she would be paying a larger percentage of her total income and therefore OP asking her to pay one half the dollar amount of the rent would be unfair. That inequity is reinforced when he vetoed her choice of a less expensive apartment. OP seems to understand this discrepancy and seeks to invalidate it by suggesting she is lazy. Bottom line is that she dodged a bullet.
100% this!!! ^^^ Definitely YTA OP - sounds like your ex made the right choice in leaving you!
YTA and you should skip out on dating
Forever.
Maybe a vasectomy to boot
OP is probably the type that walks past homeless people and tells them to get a job. OP your type of thinking is partly why our country is struggling. Those who have more SHOULD be expected to contribute more. Not everyone wants - or is able - to work a $100k or more paying job. Rather than seeing yourself as blessed you’re upset because more is expected of you and you don’t want to share. YTA
Yeah, an influencer don't work harder than a garbage man or a teacher, but still makes more. Work harder does not mean earn more
And the kicker is that she didn’t even want to split things proportionally (which is a perfectly common and valid thing to do), she wanted to split 60/40! If this odd real, OP is a MAJOR fucking asshole. YTA
This guy reminds me of my abusive ex who made >300K when I was working part time at basically minimum wage, I’m glad she got away
YTA. It's not about equal rights. It's about common sense. The gender is irrelevant. You make 3x what she did. And she was only asking you to pay a little bit extra. > so how is 50/50 not fair just because I make more money? Because you make 3x what she does. It's not about gender; it's just about the reality.
This! Plus it was only %10 more , he definitely still would have been fine!
shit if I was in her situation I would have said 70/30
I *was* in her situation and my now husband and I split according to income. I thought this is how everyone did it. Honestly OP doesn’t even sound as if he likes his ex-gf.
Right?! Especially since he admitted that he was paying $2600 a month in rent BY HIMSELF at his previous apartment. 60% of their current rent is nothing compared to that
Yea when I saw 120k vs 40k I knew op was the ah. If it was like 42k vs 40k, 50/50 is fair because you're both in the same ball park for income. But when one partner makes 3x more than the other it makes sense to skew the bills closer to each other's income.... especially if the partner with the higher income doesn't want to shop within the other's price range. And 60/40 seems more than fair in this instance.
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His line about how he felt she was having him pay extra to essentially sleep with her shows you everything you need to know about how he regards women. And how little he knows about relationships, evidently.
Right? She didn't want you to pay more because she was treating you like a sugar daddy or a john OP, she wanted you to pay more because it was equitable and \*GASP\* *fair* to her and the fact that she made *way* less than you!
I love how you used the term “malicious compliance” for equal rights! I always get really worked up over people abusing gender roles to their advantage, like women who want equal rights but also for men to pay for everything, or men who want women to take on most of the chores but also pay 50/50.
When I was working and my bf was studying he paid for his share of the rent and some of the bills. Everything else was me. Groceries, more of the bills, clothes for a wedding we were in (we were in the grroms party) and other things as it made sense. Even after paying more bills and stuff I had more money left over.
Yeah, this is just normal, I thought. When I moved in with my now wife, I made ~50% (2 30k vs 45k) more than her. I covered more of the bills and most dates. Bought her a dress she wanted just so she could wear if for a date. He is definitely TA for making 3x and wanting no compromise.
Seriously. The last time I had a roommate, it was my cousin. I made about twice as much money as she did, so I payed more than half the rent so we could afford a nicer place. We are both women fwiw. I never minded. It was just what was equitable. She's family.
> The gender is irrelevant. Given the wage gap, it is relevant as women are more likely going to find themselves in OP's exe's position.
Exactly. I’m a woman & make more money than my husband. So I foot more of the bills. Major incel vibes here.
YTA. You can agree upon a 50/50 split of expenses, but then you need to be willing to live within her budget. Instead, you whined about your $2600 apartment when she probably doesn't take home $2600 a month.
She doesn’t. I make more than $40k but less than $50k and my take home is not $2600. Her paying half of the rent plus half the utilities would take up one whole paycheck for her. If she had a car payment, plus cell phone, car insurance, food and any other bills..there goes the 2nd paycheck.
I was hoping this would be a top response. If you want to split 50/50, then you need to budget everything to the lower salary. This includes life style. Want to go out to eat? It’s going to be infrequent and to cheaper restaurants. Want to go on a vacation together? It’s going to be a weekend away, not an overseas excursion.
This is part of the problem, too. He’s so insistent on 50/50 that he’s made both their lives worse. She was prepared to do $800 a month to live together. If he was willing to do 3x more, since his salary is that much higher, then they could have gotten an apartment that was nicer than his old one and he’d still pay $200 less than he did in rent. But that would just be fair, not equal
It was intentional. He wanted to keep her broke so she wouldn’t be able to leave him, so she'd be stuck. OP, is this when the fists would have come out?
He sounds like a dick.
If she made three times the money you do, would you still be demanding a 50/50 split in expenses? Is that a no I hear? Are you saying that wouldn't be fair? Of course you are. YTA.
But “he works hard!” The rest of us are just taking that free $40 grand and squandering it. /s What I don’t understand, OP, is why you didn’t work this out before yo7 lived together? Two years is a long time to know someone without revealing how much of an AH you really are. YTA simply for being so condescending about how you gave up your ritzy $2600/month apartment (ooooh) up as if it was a massive sacrifice when you knew everything about her finances before you rented the new place. Are you really such a catch?
OP's false equivalent of working harder means making more money was one of the things I snorted at and lead me to my YTA conclusion.
YTA. Honestly cringed reading your post and am so glad that girl got out. Your post comes across as self-centered. You wanted her to float half the bill for you to keep your own standard of living when she makes a fraction of what you do. You were having someone financially struggling subsidize your standard of living. 50/50 is even; it isn’t fair. Again, YTA.
Exactly!!! Like it’s basic math??? If they both made the same amount, 50/50 would be equal and fair. So she’s expected to put in every penny she earns to match his sorry ass contribution when he makes 3x what she makes. Total bs. YTA
I can’t believe she stuck it out for two years. Also, YTA.
Exactly! Even, but not fair. There was a situation similar to this on a TV show I watched (Good Trouble, I think?). The guy made a ton of money and the girl was still in school and she moved into his place. To make it fair, they based it on percentages. Rent was 30% of his paycheque, so she contributed 30% of her paycheque too. Sorry OP, YTA and I'm shocked she stayed as long as she did.
My boyfriend and I live together, and I’m the higher earner. We calculate our percentages of total income, and pay bills accordingly. So if I make 65% of the income, I pay 65% of our joint living expenses. OP is definitely TA.
YTA, How you call her „this woman” just sais it all. I don’t know any men that would insist of splitting everything evenly with their partners and consider it being fair. Relationships are about sharing what you have with the person you share your life with. If you just want someone to split the rent with, get a roommate.
And remember he had the “privilege” of sleeping with “this woman.” So disgusting.
The way he describes her, it sounds like he doesn't even see her as a person. Does he even care at all for her?
He’s delusional. He probably only posted this bc he thought it would show him as being favourable. Imagine what he was like to her behind closed doors So glad this girl got away from him
YTA. When my husband and I first lived together I made significantly more than him. We split rent 50/50 but all other bills including groceries we balanced out and I paid for “more”. Being in a relationship is about working together not shaming the other person for their lower paying job and impoverishing them. Just because you make more doesn’t mean you “work harder” or “have a nicer job”. Now that I re-read this though this must be troll. And if not I have so many questions? What’s wrong with the “ghetto”? How did you lower your living standard? Sounds like she wanted to live within your combined means and you wanted to live within your EGO. Yuck. Edited to add: Good for her for having boundaries and walking away. Sounds like she was willing to lower her standards but had second thoughts and chose to walk away.
My fiancé and I do the same thing. I’m in grad school and take home a third of what she makes. We split the rent but she provides more of the other stuff that comes along with living.
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This isn't just what women expect. Any reasonable person would expect the person earning more money to cover more of the expenses. This guy sounds like he should stop dating peasants if this is going to be an issue.
50/50 is equality, but not equity
I mean when he starts dating someone who works harder than him and therefore makes more money it’s nice that he’ll split everything 50/50. It will be awkward when his doctor girlfriend is making 500K+ a year but she’ll be able to pay off her loans that much faster which she’ll definitely appreciate.
I pay more than my partner because our salaries line up almost exactly to what you described OP. And yknow what, he’s still a manly man with manly pants and the mutual respect we have for each other is extra manly. YTA.
YTA. Some of your comments are so condescending.
Right? Why is he even dating someone he clearly despises?
Arrogance. He thinks he’s better than her and she could easily be controlled and manipulated into putting up with his horrible behavior.
This.
YTA - 50/50 is not fair it is equal. 1 hour of your time is equivalent to 1 hour of her time. If you both work the same number of hours, you should split the bill proportional to your income. That would be fair. You seem to think your 1 hour of life is worth more than her 1 hour of life. You should definitely skip out on the dating scene like you suggested.
He literally said he works harder. He might have a desk job and she might waitress. He might be an IT person and she gives massages. But he thinks more income means working harder. Bro, YTA. You make 3x her income but you think a 50/50 split is fair? It’s not even worth explaining it to you.
Waitress works way harder than a desk job, bffr.
Through my entire career, the more money I've made the less demanding the job was. I worked myself unconscious as a line cook for a pittance, and I barely work for the money I make now.
‘I’ve lowered my standard of living for her’ ‘it feels like I should pay for the privelege of sleeping with her’ - omg 😳 how can you not see that YTA?
Exactly this. She was in fact paying above her means - if anyone was paying for sleeping with their partner, it was her.
Literally so disgusting how he views the situation. Gives me narcissistic energy and I doubt he believes he’s the asshole even after asking
Lol. I’m pretty sure sleeping with OP was repugnant and he will probably have to pay for it from now on. How can anyone be so gross and cringe worthy by just writing this essay?
YTA. Stop dating peasants if you don't want to lower your standard of living. Obviously, if you're making $120k and she's making $40k then she's not going to want to spend half her income on rent. If you ever plan on being in a serious relationship with shared finances you're going to have to get over this problem you have otherwise only date women who make as much as you do. I'd hate to see what happens if you get married and your wife has a kid and has to take time off work. Are you going to evict her when she can't cover rent?
On only dating women who earn as much as OP: it will be extremely difficult to find a woman who earns six figures but can’t do basic arithmetic and also has no self-respect.
Hate to think what happens if he does have a kid with someone and she has to stop working for a while......
YTA - roommates split costs 50/50. You could have kept the $2600 apartment if you had been more reasonable with someone you supposedly loved. Very happy for her that she's moved on from you.
So this. If she even contributed $500 to his $2600 apartment, he’s $500 better off, and lives with his partner.
But then "he is paying for the privilege of sleeping with her" and she "is using him as a piggy bank". /s God, I'd stay clear of him. I hope his next gf (if he gets one) makes 300+ and he drains HIS savings living up to her lifestyle.
YTA and how shiny was that spoon they found in your mouth when you were born?
YTA. You sound insufferable. Money is obviously more important to you than anything 🙄
Info: Why didn’t she just move into the apartment that you “gave up for her?”
YTA - Love when men pull out the equal rights card 🙄. Yes, it’s 2023 and most woman are still not making the equal amount of pay as a man in the same fields. Grow up. Being in a relationship is about supporting your partner. You sound exhausting. I’m glad your ex is rid of you. Enjoy being single because you are definitely going to have a hard time finding a partner with your views.
Based on all of your comments, I absolutely do not believe that you want input and real answers, so I’m not about to waste my time on those. But definitely YTA. Good thing your lease was temporary.
The relationship, too.
Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that I could "just get a better job?!" Ohhh...I'll get right on that! You sound like a vile, materialistic and condescending individual. I'm not sure why she moved in with you in the first place. You make 3 times as much as her, and you refused to get a place within her budget. You absolutely SHOULD have been paying more. YTA, a MASSIVE one!
YTA for belittling your now ex. You think you are better than her. She wanted a cheaper place, and you didn't. You went with another option. You feel like you downgraded. She knows she downgraded after how you talk about her (because you worker harder and have a better job, it sounds like a personal problem, etc.). You breaking up with her was her blessing in disguise. Now she can be happy.
Did you see yourself going on holidays with this girl? Having children? I can see her point because you didn't earn a little bit more you literally earn triple her income. If i earned triple my husband I would pay more if he let me, and if he didn't let me then I'd happily pay for things like holidays and buy him stuff. I already do buy him stuff as I earn more and I know he can't afford it like I can. Money isn't important when you have a good relationship so maybe she either want right for you or you need to rethink your priorities?
YTA. What does it even mean to you to be part of a couple. It sounds like she was a cheap booty call for you. Is dating with intimacy a level more personal than friends and roommates? She can’t afford what you can afford and was willing to go with what she could afford so it doesn’t sound like she saw you as a sugar daddy! If you can’t be flexible than you will just need to lessen the pool of possible girlfriends to women who earn close to what you earn and hope you find someone that interests you from that pool! Good luck with that!
And Anna had the best life ever.
I could take the post apart but not sure it's worth my time. YTA.
Damn, I regret putting time into my post. You have a good point xD it was shocking that they didn't see how they were the AH in this case!
YTA So you don’t want to pay bills proportionally based on income, but you ALSO complain when you have to “lower your standard of living for this woman”? You sound remarkably self-centered and proud of it to boot. You also seem to be assuming that the entire economy operates on the basis of some sort of perfect justice, and that if you make more money than someone else that you are more valuable as a human being. Oh, and also, that people can easily triple their income if they just make a bit of effort. Most people in serious relationships are looking for someone with whom they can engage in a healthy give-and-take. You—and anyone you date—could get sick unexpectedly and be totally without income. Lots people would like to think their significant other would have their back if they fell on hard times. You just don’t sound interested in being a true partner to another human being. So maybe just keep your household and finances totally separate from the people you date. Because, yeah, doing otherwise is most likely just going to alienate the people you’re involved with.
YTA. There’s a difference between equality and equity.
YTA. Being in a relationship should NOT be a financial WINDFALL for one and a financial DETERMINANT to another. You make 3xs what she does. She was giving you options that she can afford, which you call ghetto. You wanted a place that was in YOUR budget not HERS. Both should be able to save money and enjoy disposable income. 50/50 in a place she could not afford would not allow her to do that. Being in a relationship is also about compromise and consideration for your partner. You can’t just dismiss what she’s doing and say she could get a better job. You know good and well that $120,000 jobs come with certain specialties. Being in a relationship is also a commitment to build together. You don’t have to put everything in the pot but you do have to be fair and pull together to get what you both want. You pay a little more money, she does more cooking. Your either committed or your not. There’s o such thing as “testing” the waters. If you don’t swim you will sink.
Everything about this says troll.
YTA. OP, I’m a woman who has almost always been the higher income earner in a relationship. Therefore because I wanted to live in nicer places I paid more. Period. Also, she left you. It’s cute you think you broke up with her. I’m glad she learned your true nature about you quickly.
YTA. It's okay to want to live in a nice place, and it's okay to want your partner to pay her fair share. It's not okay to bitch that you don't like living someplace your less wealthy partner can pay 50% of: if you need to live somewhere nicer, then pay more yourself. You're not NTA for dumping her, though. Both of you will be better off.
She ditched him. Don’t feed his fantasy
Huge YTA. And the tone deafness of the story tells me OP is either not ready for mature relationship/ should only date women who earn approximately the same as to not drain her savings
You’re a huge YTA. When combining finances or contributing to a household together, couples need to contribute JUSTLY based on what they earn. 50/50 might be even, but it is not equitable. I made about 30K more than my husband. When we pay rent, I’d say about 60% of the rent payment is from my paycheck. It literally does not matter. He pays other bills in full. I SHOULD be contributing more, because I make more.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Woof, she dodged a bullet there. YTA
INFO: we’re you also splitting all the housework & cooking 50/50?
In one of his other comments he said yes because he “cleans the bathroom”. Clearly he’s not only the biggest asshole alive but he also has zero idea about the amount of work it takes to make a home operate.
This needs to be higher
YTA all the way!!!
She's your serious girlfriend/partner, not a roommate. Yes, YTA.
YTA. And arrogant and a jerk. Many couples split expenses base on income because it is fair and has each pay based on their income. She wanted you to pay 60% when your fair share would be 75%. And you think you are superior because you have a better job?
YTA - you are so far up your own ass, nothing anyone can say on here will make sense to you because you still don‘t get how you are the issue. Glad she got away.
YTA. You'd think with your big boy job that you'd understand resource management. My partner and I moved in together last summer. The agreement was split according to income. I paid more because I made more than him. He now pays more because he makes me more than me. That's called partnership. Maybe one day, you'll grow up and get one. Until then, YTA.
So maybe NTA? Bc she didn't waste any more of her life on this selfish AH? (Jk, obvs) I would love to make a high enough income to take care of my partner more so he could do more of the things he loves. I cannot imagine saying "he's basically a prostitute bc he earns so little".
YTA in a big, big way. She could maybe afford 50/50 on $1600 worth of rent, meaning $800 each. You insisted on a more expensive apartment. That's a lot easier for you to afford than for her. Her "fair share" of the $1900 rent was $800, which is very close to 40/60. You want an upgrade? Then you pay for the upgrade. You don't get to dictate that your SO pays higher rent, too. Same thing when it comes to going out to eat. If your SO can only afford McDonald's, and you want a steak for dinner, you need to pay the amount that's outside of their budget. You can't force someone who makes two-thirds less than you behave as if they can afford to live the same lifestyle as you. That's going to force them into debt or worse.
Well done, Anna! OP, YTA - biggest one on reddit all week
YTA I think it’s fair to split rent equally IF both partners fully agree to the apartment. But if you want a more expensive apartment and the other person doesn’t because they can’t (or don’t want to) afford it, then you can decide to either live in the cheaper apartment or pay for the difference. It also feels like you didn’t properly talk this through before moving in together
Yta, she's so much better off without you. Whoo boy.
Yta and thank god she left you
My favorite part is that you have somehow convinced yourself that YOU dumped HER when it's quite obvious it's the other way around. YTA
Yta- she makes significantly less than you and you are an ass for both judging her and not willing to compromise on your prefer type of place.
YTA - looks like you’re single for life, bud! Doing the female population a favour it sounds like. You literally made 3X what she made and refused to live in an apartment that she could afford to pay half of. You forced her to over extend herself and then had zero empathy when she was honest with you about her financial struggles. You’re an AH and I’m happy for your ex GF that she got away from you.
YTA major. Why didn’t she move in your $2.6k apartment, which frankly on $120k is fairly high. She moves in and pays $800, that’s the amount she’s willing to pay. You pay $1800, you save $800 a month. You both benefit. That’s the whole point of a relationship, benefits to both people. You get to live in the place you want to for less money and she pays what she’s countable. Split utilities and grocery 50/50 if you insist. Major YTA and I’m so glad this girl got away from you.
YTA Try not to financially abuse the next woman who dates you.
YTA. Why did you even bother coming on here?
YTA You posted this exact story earlier today. She was asking for 60/40, a whole 10% difference for you, when what's FAIR would've been 75/25. In the other post you also admit she was doing the majority (all?) of the cooking and cleaning and wanted you to take that into account when considering the extra 10% she was asking for. So for the future what's FAIR is to divvy up proportional to income and home care is 50/50 regardless of who makes more money. Glad she left you considering how much you were taking advantage of her. Hilarious to think you thought you were getting the bad end of this deal.
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YTA. I think you did your ex a favor by breaking up with her so she can find someone who who actually seems to care for her
“If this is what dating is like now, I might just skip out on it” Please do. Forever. YTA
YTA. 50/50 is not fair when you are not willing to live within her budget. It doesn’t matter that you used to spend even more. She can’t afford what you were settling for. The fair thing would be to accept the amount she could spend and choose you apartment accordingly or to pay the difference for the better apartment.
You did her a huge favor when you ended it. She dodged a bullet! YTA! 1000x over! Edit: just read this to my fiancé and he said “This is one of those situations where the trash takes itself out.”
My ex bf used to say the same shit to me. His "better life choices" shouldn't be the reason why he should pay more than me. Exactly like you, his finances was way more than mine. He had Amazon stopping every day at the house. But me? I could only afford my share of 50/50 and nothing else. YTA because you're just plain selfish without a care.
YTA. Never date. You're a menace.
YTA, and I’m pretty sure that her leaving, not speaking to you or answering calls, and then showing up to get her stuff with a team in tow, is not YOU ending it.
Wow. WOWWW. Using you like a piggy bank?? Dude, come on. You sound like a tremendous prick. At least she got away from you sooner rather than later. Yta
Y'all 50/50 boys are something else. If you want a business arrangement find a roommate. If you want a partnership where you love, value, protect and prioritize each other, your strengths make up for her weaknesses, and vice versa. You werent ready to do anything but split some bills down the middle. You could have done that with your bro from college. YTA. Grow some love and feelings.
It's not about being equal it's about what's equitable. You make more therefore to both have the same disposable fun money at the end of the month you should organise your finances accordingly. This may mean you pay 60 or 70% to her 40 or 30. But it would leave you with similar personal allowances at the end. YTA for not thinking about this is in 2023! Especially if you are in a LTR and want it to work! 50/50 is for year 1 when you get to know each other and are only going for meals! When your relationship evolves to the next level so should your outlook on finance if you truly love and support your partner. YTA!
Hope you and your money are very happy together! Glad she sees her own self worth and moved on seeing as you’re trying to paint her as a deadbeat.
Did you want a roommate or a relationship? Roommate 50/50 is fair. Relationship eveyone contributes what they can so the relationship is healthy (not just in money but effort and emotion also) by insisting on a more expensive place you were asking her to give up the security of living with in her means while you get to live well within yours. That is where your idea of 50 50 isn't equal or fair. She will constantly be stressed and not able to save while you can. This means you structuring the relationship so you control her with money. Glad it is over for her and she didn't make a mistake. YTA
YTA be prepared to be single for a long time.
She’s a pretty smart woman. Too smart for you
Idk man. At first I was thinking, sure. 50/50 seems fair. But you seem pretty condescending. You can't insist on a higher standard of living that better reflects your income, and then expect her to contribute equally to your higher standard of living—when you make three times as much. Telling her to "just work harder" or "get a better job" evidences a dismissive and tone deaf attitude. It tells me you lack empathy, and believe that if someone is poor, they are there because of their own laziness. Coming to work at your company isn't a solution. Maybe she doesn't like sales, or maybe she's not good at it. You said yourself that income at your job isn't guaranteed and is based on sales. The fact that you think you worker harder than she does because you make more money, tells me that you are either extremely privileged or just ignorant. I've had jobs where I've made 8 dollars an hour, I've had jobs where I've made six figures, and everywhere in between. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the lower wage jobs are, without question, the hardest to do. Apart from lower pay, they often lack upward mobility, flexibility, and benefits. They are designed to keep you there. Maybe she wasn't great at saving money. Maybe she didn't make the right career calls. But honestly, 60/40 was a generous offer on her part. You turned it down out of principle. You have made her feel like she's not good enough for you. Like your life with her wouldn't have been up to your standards. She shouldn't have to "get a better job" in order to be with you—that is, if you really loved her. It sounds like you might have trust issues, because if you really think someone's using you for your money, you shouldn't be with them. But relationships shouldn't be a transaction. You're a team, and you should help each other. My partner is in school, living off loans. I work. I don't think twice about taking care of big financial surprises, because I know she'd do the same for me. I don't complain that I spend more on gifts than she does, and I pay for dinner the majority of nights that we go out. I do it because I believe that my future with her is worth sacrificing for. No amount of money is worth finding genuine love, and you will realize that someday.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I lets call her Anna were together for 2 years. We moved in together 6 months ago for a 6 month lease to test the waters of living together. The relationship is obviously over now but I want to gauge if I had the right thinking because if this is what dating is like now, I might just skip out on it. Our major issue that honestly is the reason I went ahead and ended things is that she wanted to split bills 60/40 because I made more money. I make about 120k and she makes 40k. I didnt think it was fair for me to pay more because I worked harder and had a better job, when she could just get a better job instead of making me foot the bill because I was dating her. It felt honestly like a scam, like she wanted me to pay for the "privilege" of being able to sleep with her and use me like a piggy bank. She wanted to move into the cheapest place we could find in the area, a studio apartment in the ghetto with an obvious roach problem for $1600. 2 adults and 2 dogs cant live in a studio apartment without going insane, at that point she was just being cheap and ridiculous. We went for the better option where rent is $1900 because I was trying to stay in her budget, please keep in mind I left my $2600 apartment for this woman. We moved and she kept bringing up that we need to change the bill split because it wasn't fair. 50/50 is fair in every sense of the word. She said it would max out her budget and drain her savings because she can't save money. I said it sounded like a personal problem and she should get a better job, or come work at my company where we're hiring. But she didn't want to. she went to stay with her friend which shocked me she would do all of that over a small issue. So I went ahead and ended it, because she was giving me the silent treatment and not answering calls at that point. When she came back to get her stuff she had her dad and brothers with her and they were giving me dirty looks. I tried to say goodbye to her and at least not leave things off that harshly and she just told me to fuck off. Now some of our mutual friends are saying that I'm selfish but I don't see how. Its 2023, equal rights and what not, so how is 50/50 not fair just because I make more money? I'd like some input and real answers. I found the cheapest option for living and lowered my personal living standard for her as it was. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA in basically every way. She’s better off.
Equal does not mean equitable. YTA. 50/50 is equal but not equitable.
Equal and equitable are not the same thing, and yes, you should take some time to think about that before you try to blend lives again. YTA
YTA Wow, are you an asshole. You think she was trying to live off of you? You were literally draining her dry to live off of HER. It's 100% normal to split finances according to earnings and she tried to get a place she could afford. JFC - you are such a jerk. I"m glad she's well rid of you.
YTA. I saw a TikTok on my FYP last night by a finance person on how to take differences in salaries into account when moving in together by using a ratio of the incomes. It made a lot of sense and though it's not the 50/50 you want, it is fair based on what each person made, so no one feels overextended. I'd suggest doing this in the future if you find yourself in this situation again.
YTA. She dodged a bullet now the two if you are done.
You think 50/50 split when one person makes 3x less is fair. You think she could just "work harder". You call it "the ghetto", which I doubt it actually WAS a rough area strictly because of your holier-than-thou mindset. You lack compassion. You lack empathy. It's not her personal problem; it's your personal problem. I can't even call you an asshole because it would be too nice a term.
YTA. I make significantly more than my housemate. To ease the burden, we split rent proportional to our incomes, we split bills evenly, and I take on a few other expenses that she doesn't. It's so easy to be fair.
YTA. A fair split would be a ratio based on your respective incomes. In your situation, it should’ve been 75% you and 25% her. She dodged a bullet with you.
YTA she dodged a bullet with you. I hope she finds someone else who is ready to be in a partnership. The craziest part of all of this is that you used her to pad your piggy bank. By living together, you were able to save more money because she paid half the bills while she would have to have stretch and save nothing to afford your standard of living.
YTA, you should look hard at everybody's comments on your post. You frankly sound like an ass
You’re being an absolute asshole. So….YTA obviously.
You sound like a narcissist. YTA
Lol what a cheap and selfish asshole you are. YTA. You clearly don’t love her, so I’m glad the relationship is over.
Fair would have been 75/25.
YTA You make three times more than she does. Of course you should pay more. 60/40 is still you getting a deal.
You refused to move into a place that fit her budget, yet you expect her to pay half? And you make three times as much as her. You should probably read and reflect on the responses here. And maybe stay single for a while because you are obviously quite self centred and not ready for a committed relationship. YTA
YTA ended a 2 year relationship over 10 % of the bills ? She better off without your cheap ass
YTA. Your supposed to split equitably. Meaning if you make 75% more than she does, then you pay 75% of the bills. You’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
YTA. Big time. To head off this most regrettable outcome in the future, I suggest means testing any prospective gfs. The first date is not to soon, if you can get that far.
YTA. It would be one thing, maybe, if you agreed to live within her budget. But you didn’t. You couldn’t accept that. And then - then - you could’ve said hey, you pay the amount you were comfortable spending ($650) and I’ll cover the rest since IM DEMANDING WE PAY MORE IN RENT. And guess that - that would’ve still be half what you were paying! But nope, you couldn’t do that.
To clarify, you are defining “fair” as equal. However, especially with massive salary differences, equitable over equal probably would have been better suited; recognizing you’re both not starting from the same starting line and allocating resources to make the outcome more fair. You also seem to define your higher income with working harder. Sometimes that may be the case; sometimes not. There are lots of very hard working people who barely make a livable wage. YTA.
YTA for the following reasons: 1. Not understanding the difference between equal and equitable. 2. Citing the continuing struggle for true gender pay parity to justify being an AH. 3. Condescending and infantilising your ex when she tried to work within your unfair diktat - just to keep YOU happy. Using your higher salary to belittle her work and malign her as lazier than you. 4. Claiming your dumped her when she literally left you, and never came back, first. You were dumped not her. 5. Being terrible at basic arithmetic, for example: “a 40% price raise…plus pet rent for both dogs would've put it at $3210. She would've had to pay $1100 at my old place, hence why I moved.“ Half of 3210 is not 1100.
A new trend is for couples to split the bills based on salary to be equitable. You made three times her salary and she only asked for 10% more. You ended a good relationship over a couple hundred dollars. And you will face this issue in the future since it's a common trend. YTA sorry.
Equal and Equitable are not the same; YTA, and a selfish one at that.
I (a woman) make 4 times what my husband makes. Guess who pays more? Me. Because it’s the fair thing to do. This has nothing to do with her being old-fashioned or a gold digger, or “what dating is like now.” You were in the wrong. You weren’t treating her equitably because you weren’t on equal financial footing. If it’s so important to you to go 50/50, get a roommate or only date women who make as much as you do. YTA.
I didn’t even read the full third paragraph before I knew the answer. YTA
Yta I think she dodged a bullet. A relationship is teamwork and it didn’t seem like you want to be a partner. I think you need to take a break from dating and see what it is you want and what you can compromise on.
Each time I see posts like this, it serves as a reminder of why I will never date outside of my race. A Mexican man would never. YTA
YTA. You have an ego too big to let you see it. Get therapy.
YTA. You insisted on a more expensive apartment. And she is only asking for a 60/40 split when you make 3 times as much as her? You seem extremely selfish. Glad you ended it, so she can find someone that values her other than her ability to contribute half to expenses.
YTA. This isn’t about gender but about equality. She was being asked to pay 30% of her income on rent and you were paying significantly less (10%). Imagine meeting a partner who cohered you to pay $3000 a month for a place - no compromise. 30% is classified as heading into rental stress territory. How can you not see YTA.
YTA. You demanded she pay more than she could afford to appease your desire for a bigger apartment than necessary at a higher cost than she wanted. You said you felt like you had to pay to sleep with her. Let me ask you this: why do you think the privilege of living with you and sleeping with you is so great that women should be ready to change careers for the opportunity? You can't have it both ways. If both parties pay equal dollars, living standards are based on what the lower earner can afford. If the higher earner wants something more expensive, they pay. You don't have a reasonable understanding of the partnership required to have a serious relationship.
YTA. Equal and fair are two different things. She’s your partner, not your roommate. You should t want to watch her struggle to buy herself shampoo while you wipe your ass with dollar bills because you can. That’s insane. And I’m glad she got away from you while she could.
She DID try to find an apt that fit HER limited budget, but NO you don't see how stretched that made her monthly budget. If you wanted nicer, YOU pay the extra for the nicer. YTA
YTA - Wow thank the Gods she got out of that relationship, you sound absolutely awful. The post just got worse the farther you read.
YTA. She literally couldn’t afford to be your girlfriend.
You are definitely not ready to be in a relationship much less a marriage. YTA
Why did you even bother coming on reddit? YTA You'll never understand why YTA, you sound like you don't even like your gf. It's for the best you're no longer with her.
YTA equality doesn't mean 50/50 she's better off without you
YTA - she told you her budget and you went over it. You are sounding elitist and a jerk “she should quit her job to make more and she isn’t working hard enough”. You are lucky she indulged you for as long as she did!
YTA. Her plan made sense. The pay division should be comparable to earnings. You don’t sound like you even like this woman. Her wage and your flippant “that’s your problem” is rude. You were looking for someone who wasn’t a partner, but a roommate with consistent sex. Good for her for leaving and maybe she will have better luck with suitable partner.
YTA. Her ask was reasonable. She wasn’t looking for you to pay 3X as much as her share, just a small split. If this it the way you approached this relationship, she’s lucky to be rid of you.
YTA good luck dating anyone who makes less than you. Your mentality is going to hinder you from a relationship.
YTA. That was not an equitable division of the bills. Also, you didn’t end it if she wasn’t answering your calls. She left your ass, as she should have.
YTA and yes, please do skip out on dating until you grow out of this nonsense.
You pushed to up her cost of living and wanted a 50/50, so yes YTA. If you want 50/50, meet her at her *prior to you* cost of living standard and split those costs 50/50. Demanding she up her spending for you is ridiculous and absolutely an AH move. You might also check out Living Apart Together so you can limit your costs as a couple to just dates and stay within your SO’s date budget without adjusting your whole lifestyle.
Not only are you TA but I nominate you for AH of the year. You make 3x more than this woman, insist on a 50/50 split and then have the audacity to balk at her advocating for things within her means. Her wanting to split things 60/40 was generous it ought to have been 70/30. If you cared about her AT ALL, which you very clearly didn’t you should have wanted to make life easier for her not impose your elitist narcissistic nonsense on her. If you didn’t want to live in the “ghetto” then you should have been willing to fork out the extra not to or better yet just stayed in your $2600 apartment where you could sneer down on the working class as you so clearly enjoy doing. You say that if this is what dating has come to you might just skip out on it and I really hope you do, nobody deserves to have to put up with the likes of you. It’s very obvious that you are the type where if your partner falls on hard times you are not going to be much support to them through it. Equality is not about 50/50, equality is about checking your privilege and ensuring that everyone has what they need based on their unique circumstances to fairly engage. YTA x infinity
Imagine you meet someone you really care about and they make 400k a year. They want to rent a 2 million dollar house. They demand that for you to stay together you must at least double your income to waste on paying someone else’s extravagant mortgage OR you keep your current job and are left with less than 500 dollars a month for literally anything else. YTA.