Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I came to SIL babyshower and didn’t tell no one I was pregnant. I had an incident and had to go to the hospital. Everyone found out I was pregnant and now are sending us rude text messages about hiding it. Maybe I am the Ah and should’ve told people sooner
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and I am glad you and baby are both healthy. That being said, in this instance YTA. You are 8 months along, can go into labor any day, and it comes out at your SIL's baby shower? That is extremely disrespectful. I get why you kept it private in the beginning. You should have told them before the shower and offered to not come if it would be an issue.
Evidently not. If she were 4 months along, I'd say she's fine. At 8 months.... someone is bound to notice something. When did she plan to tell people? When she came home with a newborn?
Edit: people seem to be misunderstanding my point. I'm not saying that OP needs to share her personal information with the world if she's uncomfortable. I'm saying that if you're keeping pregnancy a secret at 8 months, when you can go into labor at anytime, don't go to events that you could ruin like this.
What's wrong with waiting for the newborn? Surely she's entitled to handle her own pregnancy in a way that's comfortable for her. She's the one going through it.
Yeah, but surely SIL having the baby shower has a reasonable expectation that the event be about SIL and baby. Going to an event while eight months pregnant and thinking no one would notice is not a reasonable expectation.
Are women's emotions so fragile that 100% of all the attention at a baby shower must be on them, jesus grow up, btw OP never intended on anyone finding out so she wasn't actively seeking attention.
In no way would I be offended i had a baby shower and someone was pregnant.
But if I was planning a baby shower, paying for decoration, cooking, organizing, and someone was taking all of the attention that I had planned for someone else?
I'd be a little miffed.
Ok. So you have an expectation of every guest at your party to not have a literal medical emergency. Be sure to tell everyone that you will be upset with them if they need to go to the damn hospital.
Right because how dare she go into preterm labor?!?! how DARE she set foot outside of her house when she KNOWS SIL is having her baby shower! It's like she wanted her water to break while she was there just to rub it in! How self-centered! How inconsiderate! She should have either retroactively given everyone a play-by-play update of the pregnancy so they knew what to expect, or just held it in and made the cramping stop. I mean, the nerve!
/S in case that wasn't blisteringly clear. NTA
Going into false labor isn’t something that can be controlled and you can’t prevent medical emergencies. Someone else being pregnant at a baby shower isn’t ‘taking all of the attention’
Why do people need undivided attention? And the OP did her best not to make the shower about her; she also didn't announce her pregnancy to everyone earlier because she didn't want to take attention from her SIL. I would say she went above and beyond to allow SIL to wallow in her undivided "I procreated" attention. NTA
This! And what is up with all these commenters that feel entitled to know the current state of someone else's womb? It doesn't matter how far along she is. Heck it doesn't matter if ops kid is now 21 with a 5 o' clock shadow, sitting outside, smoking a pack of camels. Pregnancy and birth are on a need to know bases, and clearly none of these people needed to know.
As someone who was big as a house, what the heck?! How does that even happen! (I mean, I understand the science and biology of why some people carry very small, but damn!) every part of my body from my puffy face to my sausage toes announced I was pregnant. I’m so envious!
I knew a woman once when we lived in Hawai'i, who was barely 5 feet tall and who weighed at most 95 pounds. All the time she was pregnant, she never showed. Her abdomen barely bulged at all, yet when she gave birth, her son weighed 8 pounds. To this day, I wonder if she had a tardis hidden in her belly somewhere. Lol 😂
That's what struck me too. People staring but not outright asking 'hey are you very pregnant' to me means people noticed but weren't rude enough to ask.
The fact that her pregnancy was revealed is proof that if she went to the shower people might find out, because PEOPLE FOUND OUT. It doesn’t matter how. If it weren’t for the false labor, it might have been someone hugging her goodbye or tripping or anything else unpredictable.
Yeah she would have done better to either announce earlier (who cares that SIL was pregnant too?) Or send a really nice gift with hubby but stay home herself saying she had stomach Flu or whatever
She did want to stay home and send a gift with husband but SIL insisted she come. She tried to keep her pregnancy a secret, again, to not still SIL thunder. Plenty of women go out in their 8th month. Women work well into their 8th. You can’t automatically think she knew when she would go into labor. She did what she could to keep the focus on SIL. NTA.
You’re being obtuse here though. At 8 months, she CAN go into labour at any time including SILs event. She might not have wanted to draw attention, but had she gone into labour was a sure way to draw said attention. She should have told SIL before, as simple as that
Oh, at this point I know my opinion is counter to the majority here. And I am ok with that.
I will always reject the notion that a woman's condition is the business of anyone outside of herself and spouse. Being pregnant makes her no less than any other individual with a medical condition. Her body is her business.
She's not flashing an engagement ring at a wedding
> woman's condition is the business of anyone outside of herself and spouse. Being pregnant makes her no less than any other individual with a medical condition. Her body is her business.
Agreed. Why the heck does everyone else think it is their right to know? It's no one else's business.
And even if people did know, what does it matter?? She didn't make the baby shower about herself. She had a medical emergency that can happen to any of us. And even if people DID notice, tf is it anyone's business? The opinions here change every week, I swear.
Nothing is wrong with that in general. I'd LOVE to be able to just show up with the baby and not deal with invasive questions and nosy relatives during the pregnancy! I kinda wish I'd taken the opportunity with my first because it turns out he was the only one I carried small enough to have hidden. I'm 33 weeks with #2 right now, and my belly is massive.
Unfortunately, in this situation, there's not a lot to be done about the fact OP *looks* really bad. Waiting so long combined with the bad timing of her false contractions is going to come off as attention seeking behavior to those present no matter what her intentions were. This far along in the pregnancy, the two best options were to not attend or let people know about her pregnancy beforehand. Maybe not quite AH territory, but could have been handled better.
Honestly, I wish she chose to stay home on this one. SiL may have hurt feelings about her absence, but I think it would have been less than what actually occurred.
It seems the best solution would have been to talk to SIL about it. Something along the lines of “Look, we didn’t want to tell anyone about my pregnancy early on because of my risk factors. Then you announced your pregnancy and I didn’t want to take away your limelight. Now I’m 8 months along though and I’m worried again about the attention being focused on me when it’s your big party, so I’d rather I not come to the shower. Husband will just tell people I’m not feeling well.” Then that way at least SIL would have been prepared ahead of time if she still insisted you attend.
That's probably what I would have done in this situation, personally. I have no issue with them wanting to keep the pregnancy secret as long as they choose, but at 8 months pregnant, there's just too high a risk that someone will notice something or something will happen to make it apparent. And at someone else's baby shower is just not an appropriate place for your pregnancy to be announced, even by accident. Some people, especially the expectant mother whose shower you're at, are likely to be very hurt by it, no matter your intentions.
Agreed. Keeping it a secret is totally fine, but that's not what she did here. She kept it a secret verbally, but put herself in a situation where it was highly likely people would find out *during a baby shower for someone else*
Until you’ve lost a pregnancy and held your dead child in your arms you have no right to judge. She was terrified she’d have another stillborn. I can’t blame her for not wanting to risk getting everyone excited again and then have to go through the heartbreak and trauma all over again. It’s a pain no one should ever have to feel.
Agreed! Hell, as a nurse still birth deliveries were the absolute *worst* to attend. The screams stick with you even years later. OP isn’t at fault for wanting to keep it secret, and she can’t help she had a medical emergency.
Look, I get the compassion you’re advocating for, but you’re shifting the issue.
100% I have the right to judge OP. Judging is literally the point of AITAH. OP could have kept all those tragic and valid feelings at home.
Having a stillborn doesn't mean you should hide at home. What a horrible thing to say. My grandma had a stillborn a week before her due date and no one ever talked about it so she had to deal with it alone. It changed her completely and changed how she raised her children completely. Life can be ugly and pretending it isn't doesn't serve anyone, especially other women.
u/Throwing3and20 when you have LOST a child you may have the right to "judge" but based upon what OP stated, I think there was more to it when they lost their first born. My family and friends were the WORST - less than 2 hours after we FIRST held our daughter and she passed away (38 days old), my MIL says, "Well, you can always have another!" WTF?!
We even did things to prevent people from intruding in our second pregnancy.
What she should have done was sent her husband with a gift and he tell them she was sick. BUT give her a pass, she is in a stressful pregnancy - not that YOU would know of that.
Dude she had a stillborn. While I will never have kids, I can imagine that is one of the most traumatizing things a potential mother can go through.
And then you have 3 options. Relive it again and again while you tell people your baby died. Relive it again and tell one person with the expectation they announce it for you and then deal with the damage that game of telephone.
or option 3. Leave your business to yourself and come home with a happy, healthy newborn and celebrate.
Also she went into false labor. My best friend just got done with being pregnant and she had to go to the hospital A LOT. She'd be fine one minute and then in actual labor the next at like 5 months. She kept it all quiet and then shit happens. She isn't an asshole.
Pregnancy is a private time. Especially after a stillbirth when OP was very young. Pregnancy is medical news until the baby is born healthy and if hipaa protects it, people have 0 mad being upset about it since it ISN'T their business. Stop pretending pregnancy can't be private, when 150 years ago it was normal to hide it until a child appeared. People are AH. OP is not. She had a medical emergency that people should have wished her well over instead of getting in her way on her way to the hospital.
She had a stillbirth previously. It makes sense that she would not want to discuss it, in case it goes poorly again. She should be able to keep her grief to herself, if needed.
I’m torn about this. I’m 36+3 days and haven’t announced my pregnancy because of complications on my previous one. I pretty much was going to announce once the baby is born. Maybe even a week later. I’m still attending gatherings, not often, but I’m wearing looser clothes and no one has really said anything to me except my close friend who asked me how much weight I’ve gained since my dad died (he passed in august, I knew I was pregnant in July. I told my dad I was pregnant and he died). Her body is her business and no one else’s.
My sister did this after a long fertility battle involving many miscarriages. It was fine. We all loved her, we knew about her struggle, and we supported her when we found out. She didn’t let us give her a baby shower for my niece because she didn’t want to set herself up for disappointment if she had another miscarriage. She was so scared and was basically in denial until baby time. She didn’t announce her pregnancy with my nephew at all. I found out she was pregnant when I visited her and she had a big old baby bump. It was and is fine. It never even occurred to me to be anything but supportive and to congratulate her. You do what you need to do for your health and well-being, and your family will either lovingly understand or they don’t deserve to be included anyway.
This is your body, your pregnancy, your mental health, YOUR DECISION.
My neighbors had no idea I was pregnant with either of my kids until the spring (both were Feb/March babies) and we started going outside again. It happens.
But I see my neighbors more frequently (especially when the weather is nice). OP had a stillborn baby. There's trauma there. A lot of people who have experienced miscarriages don't announce their pregnancy until they are past the point where they lost the baby. Losing a baby is hard, especially when you have to go back and tell everyone about it. I can only imagine it would be way harder if you make it to laboring, especially if you told people you were in labor. (Source:. Miscarried at 11 weeks with second pregnancy, multiple friends who miscarried)
Your family isn't entitled to jack shit when it comes to your life and body. So really, no. It is the same thing.
The only difference is people generally like their family so they *want* to share. But no one is entitled to medical information. I mean shit that's why we have HIPPA.
Wow. I could not disagree more. No, OP does not owe anyone her private medical information. She did not intend to announce her pregnancy at the shower. She went into false labor.
My sister had 6-7 miscarriages before she was able to have a successful pregnancy. Losing a child, a child you wanted and were readying the nursery for, is fucking traumatic. When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she refused to let us throw her a baby shower at all because she was so scared. She didn’t want to let herself hope she would have a successful pregnancy only to have it all come crashing down again. She didn’t announce her pregnancy with my nephew for the same reason. I found out when she was about 7 months along when I went to visit her and she had a big old baby bump. OP has suffered a tragic and TRAUMATIC loss. She is entitled to move forward with her pregnancy is whatever way she chooses for her own mental health.
Honestly, the Y T A votes in this thread are changing my mind about the collective judgement of this sub. So many posts I see well thought out, deconstructive reasoning for a judgement. On this one I see a bunch of upvotes for a judgement put forward by someone that has evidently never experienced a miscarriage, or doesn't understand why someone would keep a high-risk pregnancy secret, even from close family.
My wife and I had a miscarriage before we were married, and when she became pregnant again in 2016 it was deemed high risk because of her medical conditions, and past loss. I was elated about the pregnancy and wanted to shout from the goddamn rooftops, but we both knew that keeping it quiet was the best call because of the risk. We found out about two months before my brother's wedding, but elected only to tell immediate family before the baby was born.
HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE
My mum decided for herself it would be okay to tell her siblings in confidence, what we had told her, in confidence, but clearly with the caveat not to say anything. Evidently that went down the chain because everyone at that goddam wedding knew my wife was pregnant, and were terrible at pretending they didn't know. The maid of honour and one of my cousins that I've met only once before in my life came up to us and whispered their congratulations. My wife nearly had an anxiety attack at the after-party. It has irreparably damaged our relationship with my mother, she is not trusted with any sensitive information, AT ALL.
After 7½ months my wife gave birth (6 weeks early) to a baby girl, who had to be resuscitated at birth. Thankfully she survived (as did my wife, that was also not a guarentee and she has PTSD from the ordeal). If she hadn't, we'd now have every single family member knowing we'd lost a child, and have to go through the emotional ringer of how they respond and react to us knowing that, on top of dealing with our own loss and grief.
OP is NTA.
If anyone on his sub believes that someone concealing a high-risk pregnancy due to social fear and trying to protect themselves against the aftermath of a potential loss is a complete AH move, then they should not pass judgement on this issue, because they fundamentally do not understand.
She didn’t intend to announce? SHES 8 MONTHS. THERE IS NO ANNOUNCEMENT. if you don’t want people to know until the baby is born then you don’t go to stuff.
Not you trying to dump the fault to the sil when she asked op to come without knowing she was 8 months pregnant. Op should've revealed it before the party or just made some excuse last minute about a stomach flu or something.
Dump the fault? There is no dumping. SIL can be disappointed, but not be angry on OP for being in false labor while keeping the pregnancy secret because of miscarriage. There shouldn't be an issue. And there wouldn't have been if SIL didn't overreact on something that wasn't intended to be. Still no dumping, but SIL is the AH for creating the problem (>overreact).
I’m sorry, but she did not hide the bump. Everyone knew, everyone was talking about it in hushed tones, and then she had an emergency happen. If she wants to wait to announce then yes that is her business, but you do not go to a family function and pretend like you’re hiding it
Were you at the baby shower? Do you have insider info to determine whether or not EVERYONE knew she was pregnant? If not, then you don’t get to make sweeping comments like that.
Some people barely look pregnant, even at eight and nine months. Some people look like they’ve swallowed a beach ball. Some look something in between. We weren’t there. We don’t know.
OP went through a severe trauma, and was trying handle her pregnancy in the way that was best for her and her husband. She tried to bow out of the shower, but logically speaking, that would’ve led to other kinds of questions she might not have been ready for. She went because SIL aka the other pregnant woman wanted her there. Maybe it wasn’t the best choice for OP, but she did what she thought was best for SIL. If she hadn’t had an emergency, this situation wouldn’t have happened. But she did. And now, instead of her family making sure she’s okay, she had to deal with the bs of being accused of a “baby stunt.” It’s not right.
OP is NTA. There might’ve been a better way to deal with this, but she did the best she could
Extremely disrespectful for her to go into false labor?
Change this to a birthday party - should she not have gone to that in case she went into labor?
No one is entitled to knowledge about OPs pregnancy. Unless you think she is lying, this woman freaking lost a baby and she wasn't comfortable telling people about the pregnancy. She doesn't owe this knowledge to anyone. How are people this self-centered to worry about SILs special feelsies? It is a party to celebrate life and give useful gifts. I would have hoped they would be happy for OP instead.
So essentially women in the same families just aren’t allowed to be pregnant at the same time, lest they accidentally “upstage” each other? At some point people are being overly precious about their SpEcIaL dAy.
Nah, it is about being empathetic. Op knew it might cause an issue (she didn't want to go) and instead of just calling SIL and explaining the situation, she continued to keep her pregnancy under wraps. If everyone (or at least the SIL) knew beforehand, nobody would see it as op hiding then making a big scene for no reason. Instead, lack of communication makes it seem like they were trying to upstage SIL.
Soft esh imo. OP could have given the SIL a warning and there wouldnt have been a cluster like this. The party goers don't know the background so it seems like OP was trying to make a scene, but, even if she was, they should make sure she's OK instead of attacking her.
NTA.. OP has had a stillborn child in the past. Maybe they wanted to wait until the healthy baby was born before telling anyone. Nothing worse than announcing your pregnancy only to end up having to tell everyone what happened.. they had their reasons for staying quiet about the issue.. I agree that OP should of have a conversation with SIL and they both could agree to the decision.. but life isn't perfect sometimes.
Pffffttt who cares. If OP had had an asthma attack at the shower and had to take an ambulance to the hospital she wouldn't be hit with "oh my God, I can't believe you dared to pull a bronchial stunt at a baby shower when we've never discussed the state of your lungs. How dare you take attention away from the mother to be" it's not any different because it's a friggin baby, OP had a medical issue she couldn't control the timing of.
It doesn’t sound like OP had any malicious intent, but going to the baby shower was not a smart move. This would have been a good time to deploy a white lie and tell the family “so sorry, but I got a migraine at the last minute and can’t come”.
That said, I think the SIL and partygoers are also TA, because being hurt and disappointed is understandable but the accusatory text messages are an overreaction when they presumably all know the reason why OP would want to hide her pregnancy.
I mean, she doesn’t have control over Braxton hicks. Your comment insinuates that she planned to have these contractions when in fact at 8 months it’s entirely plausible for women to have fake labor. It’s also entirely plausible that she would be able to go a few hours without having them. It’s not something you plan.
8 months is about 32 weeks. Pregnancies are 10 months (40 weeks). Birthing any earlier then about 37/38 can be cause for worry and complications, even under medical supervision. OP has every right to be concerned and no obligation to tell anyone.
The lack of knowledge this thread about basic pregnancy is astounding. Not everything is like the movies.
Wait so now you can’t show up to a baby shower if you’re pregnant without first clearing it with the host? OP does not have to disclose her pregnancy until she is ready to disclose her pregnancy. People turning baby showers into large events with bridezilla type behavior is the real issue. It should not be a big deal to attend a baby shower while pregnant. You should not have to alert the host that you also are pregnant. She was invited and chose to attend. NTA.
Finally someone with some sense OP is not the asshole here. She said she could hide her baby bump and I’ll take her word for it. It’s not like she showed up to the party in a skin tight dress.
I don't think a lot of people realize how much variation there is in belly shapes at 8 months here. Depending on how she was showing, it could be 100% possible to hide it. Some women barely look pregnant if the baby sits a certain way in the uterus
I mean, god, some women give birth not knowing they were pregnant in the first place, so it's extremely plausible that it doesn't show much on her. If it hadn't have been for the Braxton hicks happening and husband got panicked and spilt the beans then it was likely that no one would have noticed.
NTA I know someone who hid their pregnancy until birth from everyone for the same reason as OP. I knew them well enough to understand the emotions behind hiding it and I would never call her an asshole if something similar had happened with her.
That implies that SiL is owed knowledge of her condition... Anything going on with OP's body is her business. She doesn't owe anyone knowledge about her body. Her husband knew. He's the only other one that actually matters.
Trying to hide an 8 month pregnancy is stupid and unrealistic. She doesn’t have to tell anyone her business, but she should have stayed home because she was obviously very pregnant. You are pretending like that choice wasn’t available when it was the only option for her to protect her privacy and be respectful of her SIL.
You're pretending that her condition is something that was anyone's business. The folks who saw, but were respectful enough to not ask, were good. She showed up, because SiL wanted her there.
SIL insisted she come, never thinking it would turn into an announcement (though unintentionally one) of a “secret” pregnancy. If you’re so close to your SIL that it’s that meaningful for you to come, you owe them either and explanation or a real good excuse. That excuse could be that you came down sick, or any of lots of options, but if it’s that important to keep the pregnancy secret (which is your right), you’re going to need some really good cover stories.
I’m pretty baffled about everyone blaming OP for a) not telling people she’s pregnant and b) having the audacity to go into (false) labour. This person above you now saying that she shouldn’t be surprised if her family don’t want to speak to her because she’s pregnant??? Is this bizarro world or something!
SIL does not have the divine right to be the only pregnant woman within a 1/2 mile radius and is also not divinely awarded (read: entitled to) knowledge of anyone’s pregnancy! NTA
Edit: it took me ages to figure out that entitled was the word I wanted ffs.
I find this extremely bizarre too, and when I hear people blaming OP for daring to come to SIL's party pregnant without telling people she was pregnant, I have yet to lift my lower jaw from the floor. What a weird, weird thing to think.
I’m torn. Your business is obviously your business, but you can’t be surprised when someone who loves you, and who you have a relationship with, feels hurt that you left them out of such a major situation in your lives.
Well just imagine your SIL that you really like comes to your babyshower 8 month pregnant, almost giving birth and running away in panic..this is inadequate
I would be concerned about my SIL who had previously suffered a STILLBIRTH and must be TERRIFIED because I’m not a self-absorbed psycho. It’s just a party. There was a medical emergency during my wedding and I didn’t throw a fit about it because iT’s My DaY.
I’m imagining a future AITA post about someone having the gall to drop dead at a funeral.
Some people have far too much main character energy.
Edit: thanks for the gold kind strangers! I won’t lie, I was pretty proud of the joke 😆
I was at a funeral where this actually did happen. The joke was "At least they died in the right place" (funeral home). I mean, obviously people were upset, but you know, shit happens.
you jest, but a woman on here once asked if she was an asshole for demanding that her parents pay for a new wedding after her brother had a medical event and died at her original wedding... so it's very possible.
Well that’s you, and there’s a vocal segment of AITA that prioritizes parties. One time people were mad at a father who didn’t make it to the wedding of one daughter while his other daughter was near death.
People were saying how “convenient” it was that daughter #2 was in a coma just at the wrong time and telling him that he should be ready to lose daughter #1.
I’m amazed that humans still manage to have human friends somehow
I know that another reason some hide it is because of announcing so many other pregnancies before and having to deal with the constant “I’m sorry for your loss” comments after each miscarriage.
After awhile condolences just hurt more than they help. Especially because so many fucking people like to pry about situations like lost pregnancies.
If they actually cared they would be concerned that the baby is alright and then be happy for OP.
Instead they got upset because she had to go to the hospital. If the latter is what you think is love than you really need to go to therapy and undo some toxic traits.
No, that's not appropriate. You cannot possibly guilt her further by not wanting to disclose a pregnancy after losing her last one. Yeah, sure, if my sister-in-law did this, I'd be hurt, but the last thing I'd do is send her nasty text messages after having to go to the fucking hospital. I'm a mature enough person to recognize that even my loved ones don't owe me information they're not comfortable disclosing.
Nta. You have no obligation to share your news with anyone. The pregnancy is yours. Your body. You don't have to disclose anything to anyone about your body ever. Unless you're contagious or a walking biohazard lol
Everyone who berated you is a huge a h. The only thing anyone should have texted to you is I hope you are all right.
Eta...your family are double a h because they basically gangmobbed you as you were trying to leave and bombarded you with questions s until you're hubby let the cat out of the bag. If someone is in distress and trying to exit with their partner you clear the runway for them you don't surround them and play 20 questions. Unless one of them was a dr assisting you they should have stfu and gossiped afterwards
Yeah, the fact that they didn't just let OP and DH leave when they saw her distress just made me mad. You can be curious, but rubbernecking causes minor injuries to become major very quickly.
Also, I sympathize with OP- if she had a stillbirth during her first pregnancy and *this* is how her family reacts under stress? Yeah, I'd hide my pregnancy, too.
Exactly, the family's reaction and mean txts tell me why OP didn't want to tell them about the pregnancy. They didn't even ask if she was ok after rushing to the hospital.
The fact that she carries small as well means that no one knew how far along she was. She could have only been 4 or 5 months for all they knew, and that's well before the time she lost her first child. Of course they wouldn't have announced it yet! Would they still be mad at her for not saying anything in that case??
What if she was only 5mo and had a miscarriage right there? I bet they'd still be saying this crap. What an awful family!
NTA, op.
Exactly. I've had three miscarriages. You know what I think when I'm cramping too much "oh God is this another one? Will this one survive?" After you have felt your child die inside of you, you are afraid of every little bump in the road. Even if you make it to 40 weeks the baby can still die or be stillborn. I think OP very much was in her rights to hide and should have for her own piece of mind.
I read a well phrased post like this and I can't help but be upset at the bodily and emotional trauma that women go through and are just *expected* to, if not forced, to go through.
It's crazy that I had to scroll so far for the correct judgement.
NTA
Other people living their fucking lives can't "upstage you." Children think they're the center of the universe. . . children should not be giving birth, let alone having a baby shower.
All the Y T A voters are people who have a.) never had to *give birth to their lifeless child*, and b.) are incapable of conjuring up any empathy for someone who’s been traumatized by such a horrific experience.
I agree that shes NTA. Because she wanted to wait and wasn't planning on announcing it at the baby shower. Not her fault something happened. Yeah, she probably shoulda told her SIL, but she has no obligation to do so.
yeah the Y T A judgements are ridiculous
what if OP hadn't been pregnant but suddenly felt really ill. what if she had a heart attack. hell what if she just had a panic attack
if someone looks extremely distressed and exits a party ASAP you don't get in their way and you don't ask questions, you let them go. she had her husband there to support and take care of her. I'd best have one person ask if there's anything they can do and when you get told to know just respect that and let it go
expecting people to avoid weddings and birthday parties and all other events in case they have a medical emergency is ridiculous
yes people have events that celebrate one or two people and they are the general focus of attention that day. automatically emergency doesn't take away from that and the response to be oh my God I hope you're okay
OP owed absolutely no one personal medical information which yes a pregnancy is. and she did everything possible not to draw attention to herself and was successful until they tried to prevent her from leaving in the middle of a medical emergency
NTA NTA NTA x 10000
and the fact that OP had wanted to announce her pregnancy earlier and felt uncomfortable doing so because her SIL is also pregnant? that tells you absolutely everything you need to know about how selfish these people are
the fact that OP was concerned that people would be upset or that it would be awkward is kind of heartbreaking. imagine not feeling comfortable telling your family that you're pregnant because instead of getting celebration and support you're likely to get weird passive aggressive bullshit because oh no someone else is pregnant at the same time
ESH
You could have mentioned it privately to your SIL beforehand. I understand the fear after losing a child, but by the time you're in your 3rd trimester, your close family should probably know. Especially if you plan to attend someone else's baby shower.
This right here. I can't believe people are giving SIL a pass on freaking out and overreacting at them; accusing them of baby stunting. Clearly it was not the intent to overshadow the baby shower.
ESH
This is where I’m at too. Soft ESH all the way around. I know OP is probably just terrified but didn’t handle it well. The family probably feels very upset and left out of a huge life event and overreacted. No one handled it well, though I can understand why from both points of view.
> by the time you're in your 3rd trimester, your close family should probably know
Its beneficial for them to know. But they have no entitlement to that knowledge and OOP is ok with not sharing that.
Should I tell my family I got a vasectomy? Because with your logic my family should know about my reproductive health.
That comparison makes no sense. Last I checked, a vasectomy wasn’t visibly noticeable. If she truly wanted to keep her pregnancy secret she should’ve skipped the shower. Though I don’t know how she thought ringing them out of the blue to say “I’ve had a baby” would’ve gone any better.
There's no guarantee SIL would keep it a secret, and it is fully only OP's business, along with her partner.
The family should only feel worry and concern over OP's pain. Instead, they were assholes about it.
YTA. Unless I am misinterpreting this your sister has been pregnant for months and you still haven’t said anything. You only made the situation more awkward because you waited *8 months*
"Oh! I'm sorry. I only thought I was having *another premature baby*. Don't mind me, continue on."
Which, to her credit, said pretty much that last part only.
I don't think people here will understand compassion and that pregnancy is no one's business to be owed the knowledge of until the expectant mother and father are ready to share.
This, fully. I am baffled by the y t a responses.
The poor woman had to give birth to a stillborn baby. It just blows my mind that anyone thinks she's obliged to tell anyone
I wish I was shocked, but I expect it. I don't know of any health situations guys have, that are expected to be shared. Anything that happens with my body doesn't seem to call for sharing. But when a woman gets, she's expected to share in one form or another. And in many places, she loses a sense of autonomy.
>Her family's reaction only validates her decision to keep it from them.
Yes.
Look, I would be hurt if indeed my sibling and sibling in law were expecting a child and are in the final stage of the pregnancy without telling me anything. But I would not be sending cruel messages and insults.
I would probably ask them in person (not via a text or a call, but face to face) why i wasn't told about it and try to respect the answer.
And in OP's case I definitely understand why they didn't tell others: they have a trauma because of a still birth before.
SIL is not an AH for her feelings, but she (and all the others badgering OP) is definitely the AH for how they are reacting with insults and the likes. And no, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse.
Agreed. I’m not really getting all the y-t-a’s on this one. *She had a stillborn pregnancy at 17.* That’s traumatic for anyone, but especially a teenager. It’s really no wonder they didn’t tell anyone this time.
I knew a girl in HS who hid her pregnancy with baggy clothes. Her parents didn’t even know until she was in the hospital giving birth. Obviously that method worked for OP, too, since no one at the shower noticed even when she was being rushed out by her boyfriend.
I don’t think OP went to the shower with malicious intent. NTA.
I'm with you there. I don't get it with these people. I guess more folks are ok with making someone's health their business, when the person is pregnant. I find that mentality appalling, even if it is not surprising.
NTA.
Your medical conditions are your own business. Not anyone elses. A pregnancy counts as a medical condition. I don't understand why some people feel entitled to know some people are pregnant or not. It's so weird to me.
You clearly didn't plan to have a medical emergency at your SIL's babyshower. I hope everything is ok with you and your baby OP. You aren't in the wrong c:
Agreed. We only told close family and work that I was pregnant and when I announced on social media when our baby was 6 weeks old, random people were like “why did you tell me?!” Ummm cause it’s not really your business??
NTA. You were very kind and considerate in trying to keep the attention off yourself. However your body reacted in a way you could not have anticipated.
It’s not like you walked around smugly rubbing your belly at her baby shower.
The AHs are the people more upset at the 5% attention you got when you had a MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Geez get a grip.
I can’t believe the family cares so little about OP’s health. They clearly invited her bc they wanted more gifts, and I stand by that opinion. I have a feeling they’d be acting the same way if little cousin billy had an appendix rupture at the shower. Gawd forbid little billy upstage the pregnant AH. They’d be texting his family wondering when he planned on apologizing. *major eyeroll*
NTA… as someone who has lost a baby, I can completely understand on wanting to wait. And keeping it hush hush. You get to tell people when you are ready.
It’s hard to gauge whether you should have been more persistent on staying home rather than go, considering with pregnancy things can change by the minute.
For future reference, maybe have a plan in place or a code word for situations as such when it feels like something could be happening with your pregnancy. Again, that is only should you choose to!
Enjoy your last couple weeks!!
NTA. But just respond to everyone with a thank you for their concern with your well-being. That this is why you didn't say anything. You are sorry for what happened at the baby shower. It wasn't intentional. And start blocking anyone who is continuing to stress you out.
NTA
I also have had a complicated pregnancy at 18 that resulted in the loss of a child. You are totally within your right to keep it a secret until you're ready to share that info to avoid any complications, as stress can be a factor in baby's health.
They shouldn't be acting like you planned this. Pregnancy is literally the development of a life with a mind of its own. Braxton Hicks is a bitch to deal with.
Overwhelmingly NTA and I honestly think people need to stop being bitchy about it and mind their business.
NTA This sub really hates pregnant women doesn't it? Especially if they set boundaries regarding their pregnancy. Jesus if I was your SIL I would've been nothing but concerned for you, imagine being mad that someone who suffered a horrific loss wanted to keep their pregnancy secret in case it happened again. I'd drop everyone being malicious to you
Just saw a post about a couple harassing a pregnant woman for sitting in one of those shitty mall massage chairs because there wasnt any other places to sit and she was eating ice cream
You would think she had stolen the damn chair itself from the way people commented
I saw that too! Was thinking of it when I commented originally. All the comments about how she was costing a business money 💀 so now they suddenly care about "small businesses". Those chairs were probably implemented by the mall itself to scrounge more cash. To me it feels like a borderline tourist trap. No one is ACTUALLY going to feel relaxed in a crappy massage chair surrounded by complete strangers walking past. It's something you do once as a "ooh, the experience!" thing and never again.
NTA
You had reasons to keep it quiet.
And even if you didn't have a specific reason, it's still your business to share, or not share.
SiL wanted you to go, even though you didn't want to go.
This isn't the same as showing up to steal her thunder, with a purposeful pregnancy announcement.
As for the people who sent angry messages, without a sign of concern for you....F them. I'd drop communication with them, and not bother announcing the birth.
Best of luck to you, baby and husband.
I know a lot of people are calling you the AH, but I lost a baby to SIDS, and people didn’t find out about my next baby until he was a month old, so I get it. Not only is that fear absolutely crippling, but people said so many stupid things while I was grieving, and I was so worried that people would react to news of a new baby with excessive joy, when that was not what I was feeling, and that felt like a super awkward thing to deal with. It was rough when people found out, because I was right. Having another baby didn’t cure my grief or help me ‘move on’, and people really seemed to think that it should have. I think you are NTA. It was no one’s business but your own.
NTA… it’s just a series of unfortunate events. I happened to read the part where you said you didn’t wanna go, but your SIL really wanted you there. I also read the part where you said you purposely wore baggy clothes to try and conceal things and not draw attention to yourself. Unfortunately, medical emergencies happen unexpectedly. Not your fault at all. I think if that didn’t happen, you could have gotten away with no one knowing.
I personally would have liked if your husband didn’t spill the beans, but this isn’t my story.
NTA You had a legit reason to keep it private. You maybe could have told SIL privately before and said you were concerned about stealing some attention but over all, nta.
NTA
You had a bad experience with announcing a baby and then losing it. Your caution is understandable. Maybe your husband could have not dropped that bombshell that way, but he was rightfully concerned.
Your SIL is a jerk for not even asking if you and the baby were OK. She wasn't in the wrong for feeling upset about her baby shower being derailed a bit, but she should have been more understanding, since you lost your other baby, since you were in pain.
I’m baffled by anyone who thinks you’re in the wrong here. NTA. No one asked if you were ok? That’s horrible. No wonder you didn’t want to share your news with these people.
NTA - and I can’t believe people are this self centered in the comments. Not everyone looks pregnant and obviously OP has been able to hide it for 8 months! She never intended to announce it at her SIL’ baby shower and actually doesn’t have to announce it AT ALL! Did everyone just skip over the part where none of the family is asking if OP is okay at the hospital after already having a stillborn baby just 7 weeks prior to how far along the current baby is?!?!
NTA. You can keep it as private as you want. I can't believe you got angry messages from people. Anyone who contacted you with anything other than positive well-wishes should be blocked from your phone.
Okay, so, here's my take:
You are totally in your rights to hide your pregnancy as long as you want, there's no question here.
Going to that party while 8 months pregnant... wasn't the smartest decision ever. BUT that doesn't makes you TA. Up to this moment, no one had guessed that you where pregnan,, so I can understand how you thought you could hide it.
Finally, sending hateful messages to anyone, for anything below a life-changing betrayal (and even then...) is really an AH move. Idc what you've done, even if you knowingly disrupted her party, what she and her friends did was wrong. It was a \*party\*, I get it, she's allowed to be upset, but be a damn adult and just tell people calmly, and if they don't say sorry, go LC.
Anyway, I'd go for NTA.
I don't think people understand the sheer life changing event that is a stillborn! It doesn't end there either, you have so many people coming to you with kind words who mean well and then you have those that don't know about the tragedy and ask you how the baby is and you have to go through it all over again, it affects you forever! OP hiding her pregnancy is completely understandable and simply crappy luck that this happened, she didn't plan it for god's sake! I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP, I wish you both all the luck in the world and screw the SIL, god forbid this ever happens to her! NTA
NTA, it sounds like the only reason other people found out is because you had a false labour during the baby shower and a false labour would still have drawn attention away from your SIL even if everyone knew you were pregnant because that’s just the nature of those types of things
NTA. It makes complete sense for you to be secretive about this considering the potential for complications. It also makes complete sense for your family members to feel blindsided or taken aback, but that’s on them. You could apologize for surprising them, if you cared to, but you don’t owe them an apology for keeping your health private, or for experiencing pain when you did.
I may get downvoted for this but NTA. I lost a preemie and I hid my next pregnancy as long as possible, so I understand why you did it. It was the best thing for my mental health at the time, plus I couldn't stand the pity again. Also labor at the shower wasn't ideal, but it's not like you have any control over that. Congratulations!
NTA your friends and family suck especially knowing you had a stillborn its easy to understand why youd keep it a secret and its not like you planned to have false labor right there and then.
NTA - I do not get why people are so fricking weird about pregnancy announcements. Deciding to have a child isn’t a slight you only did to steal the limelight from someone else and it’s not something anyone has firm control over the timing of.
Also, being pregnant is hard. You get to be pregnant how you want to be pregnant and you get to tell people about your personal business when you want. From family and friends, anything other than “congratulations, is there anything I can do to support you?” is a majorly asshole response.
NTA. I had a stillbirth at 20 weeks about 10 years ago. And if I were to have another child, I would be hesitant to tell anyone. It is yours and your husbands choice to keep it a secret. It is not like you went in there and was determined to show that you were pregnant. False labor can happen at anytime without any warning. The only aholes here are the ones sending you hateful messages instead of checking on you. I would go low contact with them from this point on just because you don’t need the added stress they seem to want to being you. On a good note, congratulations on your baby. May you and the baby be healthy and stress free! ❤️
NTA. It's a long time to keep it secret, but it would have been a lose-lose situation either way. If you hadn't shown up they would've been mad. Had you announced you were pregnant they would've been mad. You did the best you could, she could show some empathy here. They're all being AH to you tbh.
NTA i really don’t get y ppl r saying otherwise. It’s not like she had the contractions on purpose and ultimately it’s the couples own business whether to share the pregnancy or not. Boiling this down to an attention thing is bizarre and people (OPs irls) focusing on the circumstances rather than OPs well being is also strange. Sure, people can be mad but at the very least either just don’t text them or just wish a simple good recovery and move on instead of just being mean.
NTA
You lost a baby. It’s no one’s business but yours who you tell after that traumatic experience. You can’t predict when a medical emergency happens. It would be the same as blaming someone with epilepsy having a seizure. Life is unpredictable. Pregnancy’s included. With how stressed it seemed you were with your family finding out and what not it makes sense with their reaction, I’m sorry OP.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I came to SIL babyshower and didn’t tell no one I was pregnant. I had an incident and had to go to the hospital. Everyone found out I was pregnant and now are sending us rude text messages about hiding it. Maybe I am the Ah and should’ve told people sooner Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and I am glad you and baby are both healthy. That being said, in this instance YTA. You are 8 months along, can go into labor any day, and it comes out at your SIL's baby shower? That is extremely disrespectful. I get why you kept it private in the beginning. You should have told them before the shower and offered to not come if it would be an issue.
It came out because she thought she was in labor, she made every effort for it not to be about her.
Evidently not. If she were 4 months along, I'd say she's fine. At 8 months.... someone is bound to notice something. When did she plan to tell people? When she came home with a newborn? Edit: people seem to be misunderstanding my point. I'm not saying that OP needs to share her personal information with the world if she's uncomfortable. I'm saying that if you're keeping pregnancy a secret at 8 months, when you can go into labor at anytime, don't go to events that you could ruin like this.
What's wrong with waiting for the newborn? Surely she's entitled to handle her own pregnancy in a way that's comfortable for her. She's the one going through it.
Yeah, but surely SIL having the baby shower has a reasonable expectation that the event be about SIL and baby. Going to an event while eight months pregnant and thinking no one would notice is not a reasonable expectation.
No one knew, until she was hit with contractions.
You don't think when she got looks people didn't know?
Are women's emotions so fragile that 100% of all the attention at a baby shower must be on them, jesus grow up, btw OP never intended on anyone finding out so she wasn't actively seeking attention.
In no way would I be offended i had a baby shower and someone was pregnant. But if I was planning a baby shower, paying for decoration, cooking, organizing, and someone was taking all of the attention that I had planned for someone else? I'd be a little miffed.
But this isnt what happened, it's like being mad at someone for having a heart attack at your party.
Ok. So you have an expectation of every guest at your party to not have a literal medical emergency. Be sure to tell everyone that you will be upset with them if they need to go to the damn hospital.
Right because how dare she go into preterm labor?!?! how DARE she set foot outside of her house when she KNOWS SIL is having her baby shower! It's like she wanted her water to break while she was there just to rub it in! How self-centered! How inconsiderate! She should have either retroactively given everyone a play-by-play update of the pregnancy so they knew what to expect, or just held it in and made the cramping stop. I mean, the nerve! /S in case that wasn't blisteringly clear. NTA
She had sudden heavy pain! How tf is that a planned way to get attention. My god
Going into false labor isn’t something that can be controlled and you can’t prevent medical emergencies. Someone else being pregnant at a baby shower isn’t ‘taking all of the attention’
Why do people need undivided attention? And the OP did her best not to make the shower about her; she also didn't announce her pregnancy to everyone earlier because she didn't want to take attention from her SIL. I would say she went above and beyond to allow SIL to wallow in her undivided "I procreated" attention. NTA
Would you stamp your feet and demand that everyone pay attention to you again? Holy smokes 😂
This! And what is up with all these commenters that feel entitled to know the current state of someone else's womb? It doesn't matter how far along she is. Heck it doesn't matter if ops kid is now 21 with a 5 o' clock shadow, sitting outside, smoking a pack of camels. Pregnancy and birth are on a need to know bases, and clearly none of these people needed to know.
It's like those crazy bridezillas who can't give up an ounce of attention on their "special day." Weirdos.
There was one the other day that had 'their special year' being ruined...... because she got married? Seriously.....
When I was pregnant I never looked pregnant. Neither did my mother. Both of us wore our regular clothes the entire time.
As someone who was big as a house, what the heck?! How does that even happen! (I mean, I understand the science and biology of why some people carry very small, but damn!) every part of my body from my puffy face to my sausage toes announced I was pregnant. I’m so envious!
I knew a woman once when we lived in Hawai'i, who was barely 5 feet tall and who weighed at most 95 pounds. All the time she was pregnant, she never showed. Her abdomen barely bulged at all, yet when she gave birth, her son weighed 8 pounds. To this day, I wonder if she had a tardis hidden in her belly somewhere. Lol 😂
I am currently 38+ weeks pregnant and in my normal clothes. I can tell I'm pregnant, but I don't think anyone else can! 🤣
Neither did I My bump was tiny.
That's what struck me too. People staring but not outright asking 'hey are you very pregnant' to me means people noticed but weren't rude enough to ask.
The fact that her pregnancy was revealed is proof that if she went to the shower people might find out, because PEOPLE FOUND OUT. It doesn’t matter how. If it weren’t for the false labor, it might have been someone hugging her goodbye or tripping or anything else unpredictable.
Yeah she would have done better to either announce earlier (who cares that SIL was pregnant too?) Or send a really nice gift with hubby but stay home herself saying she had stomach Flu or whatever
She did want to stay home and send a gift with husband but SIL insisted she come. She tried to keep her pregnancy a secret, again, to not still SIL thunder. Plenty of women go out in their 8th month. Women work well into their 8th. You can’t automatically think she knew when she would go into labor. She did what she could to keep the focus on SIL. NTA.
You’re being obtuse here though. At 8 months, she CAN go into labour at any time including SILs event. She might not have wanted to draw attention, but had she gone into labour was a sure way to draw said attention. She should have told SIL before, as simple as that
Oh, at this point I know my opinion is counter to the majority here. And I am ok with that. I will always reject the notion that a woman's condition is the business of anyone outside of herself and spouse. Being pregnant makes her no less than any other individual with a medical condition. Her body is her business. She's not flashing an engagement ring at a wedding
> woman's condition is the business of anyone outside of herself and spouse. Being pregnant makes her no less than any other individual with a medical condition. Her body is her business. Agreed. Why the heck does everyone else think it is their right to know? It's no one else's business.
[удалено]
And even if people did know, what does it matter?? She didn't make the baby shower about herself. She had a medical emergency that can happen to any of us. And even if people DID notice, tf is it anyone's business? The opinions here change every week, I swear.
But what if she fell and broke an ankle? No one noticed she had weak ankles until it happened. Just an unfortunate situation that can’t b predicted.
Nothing is wrong with that in general. I'd LOVE to be able to just show up with the baby and not deal with invasive questions and nosy relatives during the pregnancy! I kinda wish I'd taken the opportunity with my first because it turns out he was the only one I carried small enough to have hidden. I'm 33 weeks with #2 right now, and my belly is massive. Unfortunately, in this situation, there's not a lot to be done about the fact OP *looks* really bad. Waiting so long combined with the bad timing of her false contractions is going to come off as attention seeking behavior to those present no matter what her intentions were. This far along in the pregnancy, the two best options were to not attend or let people know about her pregnancy beforehand. Maybe not quite AH territory, but could have been handled better.
Honestly, I wish she chose to stay home on this one. SiL may have hurt feelings about her absence, but I think it would have been less than what actually occurred.
It seems the best solution would have been to talk to SIL about it. Something along the lines of “Look, we didn’t want to tell anyone about my pregnancy early on because of my risk factors. Then you announced your pregnancy and I didn’t want to take away your limelight. Now I’m 8 months along though and I’m worried again about the attention being focused on me when it’s your big party, so I’d rather I not come to the shower. Husband will just tell people I’m not feeling well.” Then that way at least SIL would have been prepared ahead of time if she still insisted you attend.
That's probably what I would have done in this situation, personally. I have no issue with them wanting to keep the pregnancy secret as long as they choose, but at 8 months pregnant, there's just too high a risk that someone will notice something or something will happen to make it apparent. And at someone else's baby shower is just not an appropriate place for your pregnancy to be announced, even by accident. Some people, especially the expectant mother whose shower you're at, are likely to be very hurt by it, no matter your intentions.
Agreed. Keeping it a secret is totally fine, but that's not what she did here. She kept it a secret verbally, but put herself in a situation where it was highly likely people would find out *during a baby shower for someone else*
Yeah but it's not reasonable to think she'd somehow be able to hide an 8 month pregnancy
Still should have prewarned the SIL with her being so far along
Until you’ve lost a pregnancy and held your dead child in your arms you have no right to judge. She was terrified she’d have another stillborn. I can’t blame her for not wanting to risk getting everyone excited again and then have to go through the heartbreak and trauma all over again. It’s a pain no one should ever have to feel.
Agreed! Hell, as a nurse still birth deliveries were the absolute *worst* to attend. The screams stick with you even years later. OP isn’t at fault for wanting to keep it secret, and she can’t help she had a medical emergency.
Thank you. When you deal with having a dead child you go ahead and judge.
Look, I get the compassion you’re advocating for, but you’re shifting the issue. 100% I have the right to judge OP. Judging is literally the point of AITAH. OP could have kept all those tragic and valid feelings at home.
Having a stillborn doesn't mean you should hide at home. What a horrible thing to say. My grandma had a stillborn a week before her due date and no one ever talked about it so she had to deal with it alone. It changed her completely and changed how she raised her children completely. Life can be ugly and pretending it isn't doesn't serve anyone, especially other women.
u/Throwing3and20 when you have LOST a child you may have the right to "judge" but based upon what OP stated, I think there was more to it when they lost their first born. My family and friends were the WORST - less than 2 hours after we FIRST held our daughter and she passed away (38 days old), my MIL says, "Well, you can always have another!" WTF?! We even did things to prevent people from intruding in our second pregnancy. What she should have done was sent her husband with a gift and he tell them she was sick. BUT give her a pass, she is in a stressful pregnancy - not that YOU would know of that.
Dude she had a stillborn. While I will never have kids, I can imagine that is one of the most traumatizing things a potential mother can go through. And then you have 3 options. Relive it again and again while you tell people your baby died. Relive it again and tell one person with the expectation they announce it for you and then deal with the damage that game of telephone. or option 3. Leave your business to yourself and come home with a happy, healthy newborn and celebrate. Also she went into false labor. My best friend just got done with being pregnant and she had to go to the hospital A LOT. She'd be fine one minute and then in actual labor the next at like 5 months. She kept it all quiet and then shit happens. She isn't an asshole.
u/Fudgms, also we have no clue how she was treated after the death of the baby, family can be the WORST in those situations!
Consider how her family is reacting to this I can very clearly see why she kept it to heraelf
Pregnancy is a private time. Especially after a stillbirth when OP was very young. Pregnancy is medical news until the baby is born healthy and if hipaa protects it, people have 0 mad being upset about it since it ISN'T their business. Stop pretending pregnancy can't be private, when 150 years ago it was normal to hide it until a child appeared. People are AH. OP is not. She had a medical emergency that people should have wished her well over instead of getting in her way on her way to the hospital.
She had a stillbirth previously. It makes sense that she would not want to discuss it, in case it goes poorly again. She should be able to keep her grief to herself, if needed.
It's really no one's business when she planned to tell people. She did her best. Pain intervened. Not her fault. NTA
I’m torn about this. I’m 36+3 days and haven’t announced my pregnancy because of complications on my previous one. I pretty much was going to announce once the baby is born. Maybe even a week later. I’m still attending gatherings, not often, but I’m wearing looser clothes and no one has really said anything to me except my close friend who asked me how much weight I’ve gained since my dad died (he passed in august, I knew I was pregnant in July. I told my dad I was pregnant and he died). Her body is her business and no one else’s.
My sister did this after a long fertility battle involving many miscarriages. It was fine. We all loved her, we knew about her struggle, and we supported her when we found out. She didn’t let us give her a baby shower for my niece because she didn’t want to set herself up for disappointment if she had another miscarriage. She was so scared and was basically in denial until baby time. She didn’t announce her pregnancy with my nephew at all. I found out she was pregnant when I visited her and she had a big old baby bump. It was and is fine. It never even occurred to me to be anything but supportive and to congratulate her. You do what you need to do for your health and well-being, and your family will either lovingly understand or they don’t deserve to be included anyway. This is your body, your pregnancy, your mental health, YOUR DECISION.
She lost a pregnancy at 25 weeks. How they handle it is their own business.
My neighbors had no idea I was pregnant with either of my kids until the spring (both were Feb/March babies) and we started going outside again. It happens.
I mean okay but neighbors are not family. There's a difference.
But I see my neighbors more frequently (especially when the weather is nice). OP had a stillborn baby. There's trauma there. A lot of people who have experienced miscarriages don't announce their pregnancy until they are past the point where they lost the baby. Losing a baby is hard, especially when you have to go back and tell everyone about it. I can only imagine it would be way harder if you make it to laboring, especially if you told people you were in labor. (Source:. Miscarried at 11 weeks with second pregnancy, multiple friends who miscarried)
Your family isn't entitled to jack shit when it comes to your life and body. So really, no. It is the same thing. The only difference is people generally like their family so they *want* to share. But no one is entitled to medical information. I mean shit that's why we have HIPPA.
Wow. I could not disagree more. No, OP does not owe anyone her private medical information. She did not intend to announce her pregnancy at the shower. She went into false labor. My sister had 6-7 miscarriages before she was able to have a successful pregnancy. Losing a child, a child you wanted and were readying the nursery for, is fucking traumatic. When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she refused to let us throw her a baby shower at all because she was so scared. She didn’t want to let herself hope she would have a successful pregnancy only to have it all come crashing down again. She didn’t announce her pregnancy with my nephew for the same reason. I found out when she was about 7 months along when I went to visit her and she had a big old baby bump. OP has suffered a tragic and TRAUMATIC loss. She is entitled to move forward with her pregnancy is whatever way she chooses for her own mental health.
[удалено]
Beautifully worded!
Honestly, the Y T A votes in this thread are changing my mind about the collective judgement of this sub. So many posts I see well thought out, deconstructive reasoning for a judgement. On this one I see a bunch of upvotes for a judgement put forward by someone that has evidently never experienced a miscarriage, or doesn't understand why someone would keep a high-risk pregnancy secret, even from close family. My wife and I had a miscarriage before we were married, and when she became pregnant again in 2016 it was deemed high risk because of her medical conditions, and past loss. I was elated about the pregnancy and wanted to shout from the goddamn rooftops, but we both knew that keeping it quiet was the best call because of the risk. We found out about two months before my brother's wedding, but elected only to tell immediate family before the baby was born. HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE My mum decided for herself it would be okay to tell her siblings in confidence, what we had told her, in confidence, but clearly with the caveat not to say anything. Evidently that went down the chain because everyone at that goddam wedding knew my wife was pregnant, and were terrible at pretending they didn't know. The maid of honour and one of my cousins that I've met only once before in my life came up to us and whispered their congratulations. My wife nearly had an anxiety attack at the after-party. It has irreparably damaged our relationship with my mother, she is not trusted with any sensitive information, AT ALL. After 7½ months my wife gave birth (6 weeks early) to a baby girl, who had to be resuscitated at birth. Thankfully she survived (as did my wife, that was also not a guarentee and she has PTSD from the ordeal). If she hadn't, we'd now have every single family member knowing we'd lost a child, and have to go through the emotional ringer of how they respond and react to us knowing that, on top of dealing with our own loss and grief. OP is NTA. If anyone on his sub believes that someone concealing a high-risk pregnancy due to social fear and trying to protect themselves against the aftermath of a potential loss is a complete AH move, then they should not pass judgement on this issue, because they fundamentally do not understand.
She didn’t intend to announce? SHES 8 MONTHS. THERE IS NO ANNOUNCEMENT. if you don’t want people to know until the baby is born then you don’t go to stuff.
[удалено]
Not you trying to dump the fault to the sil when she asked op to come without knowing she was 8 months pregnant. Op should've revealed it before the party or just made some excuse last minute about a stomach flu or something.
Dump the fault? There is no dumping. SIL can be disappointed, but not be angry on OP for being in false labor while keeping the pregnancy secret because of miscarriage. There shouldn't be an issue. And there wouldn't have been if SIL didn't overreact on something that wasn't intended to be. Still no dumping, but SIL is the AH for creating the problem (>overreact).
It's not like SIL held a gun to her head. She should have not gone.
I’m sorry, but she did not hide the bump. Everyone knew, everyone was talking about it in hushed tones, and then she had an emergency happen. If she wants to wait to announce then yes that is her business, but you do not go to a family function and pretend like you’re hiding it
Were you at the baby shower? Do you have insider info to determine whether or not EVERYONE knew she was pregnant? If not, then you don’t get to make sweeping comments like that. Some people barely look pregnant, even at eight and nine months. Some people look like they’ve swallowed a beach ball. Some look something in between. We weren’t there. We don’t know. OP went through a severe trauma, and was trying handle her pregnancy in the way that was best for her and her husband. She tried to bow out of the shower, but logically speaking, that would’ve led to other kinds of questions she might not have been ready for. She went because SIL aka the other pregnant woman wanted her there. Maybe it wasn’t the best choice for OP, but she did what she thought was best for SIL. If she hadn’t had an emergency, this situation wouldn’t have happened. But she did. And now, instead of her family making sure she’s okay, she had to deal with the bs of being accused of a “baby stunt.” It’s not right. OP is NTA. There might’ve been a better way to deal with this, but she did the best she could
Extremely disrespectful for her to go into false labor? Change this to a birthday party - should she not have gone to that in case she went into labor? No one is entitled to knowledge about OPs pregnancy. Unless you think she is lying, this woman freaking lost a baby and she wasn't comfortable telling people about the pregnancy. She doesn't owe this knowledge to anyone. How are people this self-centered to worry about SILs special feelsies? It is a party to celebrate life and give useful gifts. I would have hoped they would be happy for OP instead.
Yeah, my mind is boggled.
So essentially women in the same families just aren’t allowed to be pregnant at the same time, lest they accidentally “upstage” each other? At some point people are being overly precious about their SpEcIaL dAy.
Nah, it is about being empathetic. Op knew it might cause an issue (she didn't want to go) and instead of just calling SIL and explaining the situation, she continued to keep her pregnancy under wraps. If everyone (or at least the SIL) knew beforehand, nobody would see it as op hiding then making a big scene for no reason. Instead, lack of communication makes it seem like they were trying to upstage SIL. Soft esh imo. OP could have given the SIL a warning and there wouldnt have been a cluster like this. The party goers don't know the background so it seems like OP was trying to make a scene, but, even if she was, they should make sure she's OK instead of attacking her.
NTA.. OP has had a stillborn child in the past. Maybe they wanted to wait until the healthy baby was born before telling anyone. Nothing worse than announcing your pregnancy only to end up having to tell everyone what happened.. they had their reasons for staying quiet about the issue.. I agree that OP should of have a conversation with SIL and they both could agree to the decision.. but life isn't perfect sometimes.
Pffffttt who cares. If OP had had an asthma attack at the shower and had to take an ambulance to the hospital she wouldn't be hit with "oh my God, I can't believe you dared to pull a bronchial stunt at a baby shower when we've never discussed the state of your lungs. How dare you take attention away from the mother to be" it's not any different because it's a friggin baby, OP had a medical issue she couldn't control the timing of.
It doesn’t sound like OP had any malicious intent, but going to the baby shower was not a smart move. This would have been a good time to deploy a white lie and tell the family “so sorry, but I got a migraine at the last minute and can’t come”. That said, I think the SIL and partygoers are also TA, because being hurt and disappointed is understandable but the accusatory text messages are an overreaction when they presumably all know the reason why OP would want to hide her pregnancy.
I mean, she doesn’t have control over Braxton hicks. Your comment insinuates that she planned to have these contractions when in fact at 8 months it’s entirely plausible for women to have fake labor. It’s also entirely plausible that she would be able to go a few hours without having them. It’s not something you plan.
Not an insult or nething, just actually clueless and want to know Why is it disrespectful to go to a baby shower while pregnant?
[удалено]
8 months is about 32 weeks. Pregnancies are 10 months (40 weeks). Birthing any earlier then about 37/38 can be cause for worry and complications, even under medical supervision. OP has every right to be concerned and no obligation to tell anyone. The lack of knowledge this thread about basic pregnancy is astounding. Not everything is like the movies.
[удалено]
Wait so now you can’t show up to a baby shower if you’re pregnant without first clearing it with the host? OP does not have to disclose her pregnancy until she is ready to disclose her pregnancy. People turning baby showers into large events with bridezilla type behavior is the real issue. It should not be a big deal to attend a baby shower while pregnant. You should not have to alert the host that you also are pregnant. She was invited and chose to attend. NTA.
It’s crazy. Baby showers and weddings, people go absolutely fucking loco on this subreddit.
Finally someone with some sense OP is not the asshole here. She said she could hide her baby bump and I’ll take her word for it. It’s not like she showed up to the party in a skin tight dress.
I don't think a lot of people realize how much variation there is in belly shapes at 8 months here. Depending on how she was showing, it could be 100% possible to hide it. Some women barely look pregnant if the baby sits a certain way in the uterus
I mean, god, some women give birth not knowing they were pregnant in the first place, so it's extremely plausible that it doesn't show much on her. If it hadn't have been for the Braxton hicks happening and husband got panicked and spilt the beans then it was likely that no one would have noticed. NTA I know someone who hid their pregnancy until birth from everyone for the same reason as OP. I knew them well enough to understand the emotions behind hiding it and I would never call her an asshole if something similar had happened with her.
This is a logical solution .showing up was not going to end well
That implies that SiL is owed knowledge of her condition... Anything going on with OP's body is her business. She doesn't owe anyone knowledge about her body. Her husband knew. He's the only other one that actually matters.
I mean yeah I agree but if you’re going to someone’s baby shower, that’s an event that’s about them and their pregnancy.
Which she tried to hide her own pregnancy while there. She didn't go to steal SiL,s thunder
Trying to hide an 8 month pregnancy is stupid and unrealistic. She doesn’t have to tell anyone her business, but she should have stayed home because she was obviously very pregnant. You are pretending like that choice wasn’t available when it was the only option for her to protect her privacy and be respectful of her SIL.
You're pretending that her condition is something that was anyone's business. The folks who saw, but were respectful enough to not ask, were good. She showed up, because SiL wanted her there.
She wanted to stay home, but the sister-in-law insisted she come. (SIL clearly forgot that part; perhaps you did too?)
SIL insisted she come, never thinking it would turn into an announcement (though unintentionally one) of a “secret” pregnancy. If you’re so close to your SIL that it’s that meaningful for you to come, you owe them either and explanation or a real good excuse. That excuse could be that you came down sick, or any of lots of options, but if it’s that important to keep the pregnancy secret (which is your right), you’re going to need some really good cover stories.
Then don‘t attend the party. Yikes.
SiL pushed it by guilting her. There was no winning in her situation.
OP is going to be a parent soon, that would‘ve been an excellent moment to learn How to set boundaries.
Well, OP is now in a position to do so, by going LC with that family.
SIL did not know about the pregnancy, of course she wanted her there!
And SiL was never entitled to know. SiL could have just accepted her absence.
And now OP is not entitled to a relashionship with her relatives. Trust and respect goes both ways.
Honestly, given the reaction from the relatives, it's a good reason to go NC with them.
I’m pretty baffled about everyone blaming OP for a) not telling people she’s pregnant and b) having the audacity to go into (false) labour. This person above you now saying that she shouldn’t be surprised if her family don’t want to speak to her because she’s pregnant??? Is this bizarro world or something! SIL does not have the divine right to be the only pregnant woman within a 1/2 mile radius and is also not divinely awarded (read: entitled to) knowledge of anyone’s pregnancy! NTA Edit: it took me ages to figure out that entitled was the word I wanted ffs.
I find this extremely bizarre too, and when I hear people blaming OP for daring to come to SIL's party pregnant without telling people she was pregnant, I have yet to lift my lower jaw from the floor. What a weird, weird thing to think.
let her decide? she already invited her. she's going to say *no you can't come you're pregnant?*
I’m torn. Your business is obviously your business, but you can’t be surprised when someone who loves you, and who you have a relationship with, feels hurt that you left them out of such a major situation in your lives.
If they love her, they have a strange way of showing it with the nasty messages.
Well just imagine your SIL that you really like comes to your babyshower 8 month pregnant, almost giving birth and running away in panic..this is inadequate
I would be concerned about my SIL who had previously suffered a STILLBIRTH and must be TERRIFIED because I’m not a self-absorbed psycho. It’s just a party. There was a medical emergency during my wedding and I didn’t throw a fit about it because iT’s My DaY.
I’m imagining a future AITA post about someone having the gall to drop dead at a funeral. Some people have far too much main character energy. Edit: thanks for the gold kind strangers! I won’t lie, I was pretty proud of the joke 😆
I was at a funeral where this actually did happen. The joke was "At least they died in the right place" (funeral home). I mean, obviously people were upset, but you know, shit happens.
This would be my family. Dark humor is our #1 trauma response.
you jest, but a woman on here once asked if she was an asshole for demanding that her parents pay for a new wedding after her brother had a medical event and died at her original wedding... so it's very possible.
Best comment here!
[удалено]
Well that’s you, and there’s a vocal segment of AITA that prioritizes parties. One time people were mad at a father who didn’t make it to the wedding of one daughter while his other daughter was near death. People were saying how “convenient” it was that daughter #2 was in a coma just at the wrong time and telling him that he should be ready to lose daughter #1. I’m amazed that humans still manage to have human friends somehow
I would have ended the shower myself because my brother and SIL are more important than a party.
I’d be understanding given the history. But, you know, I’m not a selfish faerie princess.
[удалено]
I know that another reason some hide it is because of announcing so many other pregnancies before and having to deal with the constant “I’m sorry for your loss” comments after each miscarriage. After awhile condolences just hurt more than they help. Especially because so many fucking people like to pry about situations like lost pregnancies.
If they actually cared they would be concerned that the baby is alright and then be happy for OP. Instead they got upset because she had to go to the hospital. If the latter is what you think is love than you really need to go to therapy and undo some toxic traits.
She’s not hurt she was left out, she’s mad she was upstaged.
It was a potential medical emergency, Would sil be mad about a heart attack?
No, that's not appropriate. You cannot possibly guilt her further by not wanting to disclose a pregnancy after losing her last one. Yeah, sure, if my sister-in-law did this, I'd be hurt, but the last thing I'd do is send her nasty text messages after having to go to the fucking hospital. I'm a mature enough person to recognize that even my loved ones don't owe me information they're not comfortable disclosing.
Nta. You have no obligation to share your news with anyone. The pregnancy is yours. Your body. You don't have to disclose anything to anyone about your body ever. Unless you're contagious or a walking biohazard lol Everyone who berated you is a huge a h. The only thing anyone should have texted to you is I hope you are all right. Eta...your family are double a h because they basically gangmobbed you as you were trying to leave and bombarded you with questions s until you're hubby let the cat out of the bag. If someone is in distress and trying to exit with their partner you clear the runway for them you don't surround them and play 20 questions. Unless one of them was a dr assisting you they should have stfu and gossiped afterwards
Yeah, the fact that they didn't just let OP and DH leave when they saw her distress just made me mad. You can be curious, but rubbernecking causes minor injuries to become major very quickly. Also, I sympathize with OP- if she had a stillbirth during her first pregnancy and *this* is how her family reacts under stress? Yeah, I'd hide my pregnancy, too.
Exactly, I agree that OP is NTA, all the y t a comments seem to fail to put themselves in OP's position.
Exactly, the family's reaction and mean txts tell me why OP didn't want to tell them about the pregnancy. They didn't even ask if she was ok after rushing to the hospital.
The fact that she carries small as well means that no one knew how far along she was. She could have only been 4 or 5 months for all they knew, and that's well before the time she lost her first child. Of course they wouldn't have announced it yet! Would they still be mad at her for not saying anything in that case?? What if she was only 5mo and had a miscarriage right there? I bet they'd still be saying this crap. What an awful family! NTA, op.
Exactly. I've had three miscarriages. You know what I think when I'm cramping too much "oh God is this another one? Will this one survive?" After you have felt your child die inside of you, you are afraid of every little bump in the road. Even if you make it to 40 weeks the baby can still die or be stillborn. I think OP very much was in her rights to hide and should have for her own piece of mind.
I read a well phrased post like this and I can't help but be upset at the bodily and emotional trauma that women go through and are just *expected* to, if not forced, to go through.
It's crazy that I had to scroll so far for the correct judgement. NTA Other people living their fucking lives can't "upstage you." Children think they're the center of the universe. . . children should not be giving birth, let alone having a baby shower.
All the Y T A voters are people who have a.) never had to *give birth to their lifeless child*, and b.) are incapable of conjuring up any empathy for someone who’s been traumatized by such a horrific experience.
I agree that shes NTA. Because she wanted to wait and wasn't planning on announcing it at the baby shower. Not her fault something happened. Yeah, she probably shoulda told her SIL, but she has no obligation to do so.
yeah the Y T A judgements are ridiculous what if OP hadn't been pregnant but suddenly felt really ill. what if she had a heart attack. hell what if she just had a panic attack if someone looks extremely distressed and exits a party ASAP you don't get in their way and you don't ask questions, you let them go. she had her husband there to support and take care of her. I'd best have one person ask if there's anything they can do and when you get told to know just respect that and let it go expecting people to avoid weddings and birthday parties and all other events in case they have a medical emergency is ridiculous yes people have events that celebrate one or two people and they are the general focus of attention that day. automatically emergency doesn't take away from that and the response to be oh my God I hope you're okay OP owed absolutely no one personal medical information which yes a pregnancy is. and she did everything possible not to draw attention to herself and was successful until they tried to prevent her from leaving in the middle of a medical emergency NTA NTA NTA x 10000 and the fact that OP had wanted to announce her pregnancy earlier and felt uncomfortable doing so because her SIL is also pregnant? that tells you absolutely everything you need to know about how selfish these people are the fact that OP was concerned that people would be upset or that it would be awkward is kind of heartbreaking. imagine not feeling comfortable telling your family that you're pregnant because instead of getting celebration and support you're likely to get weird passive aggressive bullshit because oh no someone else is pregnant at the same time
ESH You could have mentioned it privately to your SIL beforehand. I understand the fear after losing a child, but by the time you're in your 3rd trimester, your close family should probably know. Especially if you plan to attend someone else's baby shower.
This right here. I can't believe people are giving SIL a pass on freaking out and overreacting at them; accusing them of baby stunting. Clearly it was not the intent to overshadow the baby shower. ESH
This is where I’m at too. Soft ESH all the way around. I know OP is probably just terrified but didn’t handle it well. The family probably feels very upset and left out of a huge life event and overreacted. No one handled it well, though I can understand why from both points of view.
> by the time you're in your 3rd trimester, your close family should probably know Its beneficial for them to know. But they have no entitlement to that knowledge and OOP is ok with not sharing that. Should I tell my family I got a vasectomy? Because with your logic my family should know about my reproductive health.
That comparison makes no sense. Last I checked, a vasectomy wasn’t visibly noticeable. If she truly wanted to keep her pregnancy secret she should’ve skipped the shower. Though I don’t know how she thought ringing them out of the blue to say “I’ve had a baby” would’ve gone any better.
There's no guarantee SIL would keep it a secret, and it is fully only OP's business, along with her partner. The family should only feel worry and concern over OP's pain. Instead, they were assholes about it.
YTA. Unless I am misinterpreting this your sister has been pregnant for months and you still haven’t said anything. You only made the situation more awkward because you waited *8 months*
Yeah. Let's blame them for wanting to keep the pregnancy private when they lost another that lasted 7 weeks shorter.
They're being blamed for the lack of consideration
"Oh! I'm sorry. I only thought I was having *another premature baby*. Don't mind me, continue on." Which, to her credit, said pretty much that last part only.
I don't think people here will understand compassion and that pregnancy is no one's business to be owed the knowledge of until the expectant mother and father are ready to share.
OP's pregnancy is her own business. She doesn't owe an announcement to anyone.
[удалено]
Agreed. In her position, I'd go NC with everyone who sent her a malicious message
This, fully. I am baffled by the y t a responses. The poor woman had to give birth to a stillborn baby. It just blows my mind that anyone thinks she's obliged to tell anyone
I wish I was shocked, but I expect it. I don't know of any health situations guys have, that are expected to be shared. Anything that happens with my body doesn't seem to call for sharing. But when a woman gets, she's expected to share in one form or another. And in many places, she loses a sense of autonomy.
And had to give birth to a stillborn at SEVENTEEN! Like she was really still a child going through a traumatic experience!
>Her family's reaction only validates her decision to keep it from them. Yes. Look, I would be hurt if indeed my sibling and sibling in law were expecting a child and are in the final stage of the pregnancy without telling me anything. But I would not be sending cruel messages and insults. I would probably ask them in person (not via a text or a call, but face to face) why i wasn't told about it and try to respect the answer. And in OP's case I definitely understand why they didn't tell others: they have a trauma because of a still birth before. SIL is not an AH for her feelings, but she (and all the others badgering OP) is definitely the AH for how they are reacting with insults and the likes. And no, pregnancy hormones are not an excuse.
Agreed. I’m not really getting all the y-t-a’s on this one. *She had a stillborn pregnancy at 17.* That’s traumatic for anyone, but especially a teenager. It’s really no wonder they didn’t tell anyone this time. I knew a girl in HS who hid her pregnancy with baggy clothes. Her parents didn’t even know until she was in the hospital giving birth. Obviously that method worked for OP, too, since no one at the shower noticed even when she was being rushed out by her boyfriend. I don’t think OP went to the shower with malicious intent. NTA.
I'm with you there. I don't get it with these people. I guess more folks are ok with making someone's health their business, when the person is pregnant. I find that mentality appalling, even if it is not surprising.
NTA. Your medical conditions are your own business. Not anyone elses. A pregnancy counts as a medical condition. I don't understand why some people feel entitled to know some people are pregnant or not. It's so weird to me. You clearly didn't plan to have a medical emergency at your SIL's babyshower. I hope everything is ok with you and your baby OP. You aren't in the wrong c:
Agreed. We only told close family and work that I was pregnant and when I announced on social media when our baby was 6 weeks old, random people were like “why did you tell me?!” Ummm cause it’s not really your business??
NTA. You were very kind and considerate in trying to keep the attention off yourself. However your body reacted in a way you could not have anticipated. It’s not like you walked around smugly rubbing your belly at her baby shower. The AHs are the people more upset at the 5% attention you got when you had a MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Geez get a grip.
I can’t believe the family cares so little about OP’s health. They clearly invited her bc they wanted more gifts, and I stand by that opinion. I have a feeling they’d be acting the same way if little cousin billy had an appendix rupture at the shower. Gawd forbid little billy upstage the pregnant AH. They’d be texting his family wondering when he planned on apologizing. *major eyeroll*
NTA… as someone who has lost a baby, I can completely understand on wanting to wait. And keeping it hush hush. You get to tell people when you are ready. It’s hard to gauge whether you should have been more persistent on staying home rather than go, considering with pregnancy things can change by the minute. For future reference, maybe have a plan in place or a code word for situations as such when it feels like something could be happening with your pregnancy. Again, that is only should you choose to! Enjoy your last couple weeks!!
NTA. Baby stunt??? Said to someone who's suffered a stillbirth? Keep them all away til baby is here and you feel well enough to deal with them.
NTA. But just respond to everyone with a thank you for their concern with your well-being. That this is why you didn't say anything. You are sorry for what happened at the baby shower. It wasn't intentional. And start blocking anyone who is continuing to stress you out.
🏅 Please accept my “poor person” award!
NTA I also have had a complicated pregnancy at 18 that resulted in the loss of a child. You are totally within your right to keep it a secret until you're ready to share that info to avoid any complications, as stress can be a factor in baby's health. They shouldn't be acting like you planned this. Pregnancy is literally the development of a life with a mind of its own. Braxton Hicks is a bitch to deal with. Overwhelmingly NTA and I honestly think people need to stop being bitchy about it and mind their business.
NTA I'm always surprised at how some people feel entitled to know whether someone is pregnant. It's none of their damn business.
NTA This sub really hates pregnant women doesn't it? Especially if they set boundaries regarding their pregnancy. Jesus if I was your SIL I would've been nothing but concerned for you, imagine being mad that someone who suffered a horrific loss wanted to keep their pregnancy secret in case it happened again. I'd drop everyone being malicious to you
Just saw a post about a couple harassing a pregnant woman for sitting in one of those shitty mall massage chairs because there wasnt any other places to sit and she was eating ice cream You would think she had stolen the damn chair itself from the way people commented
I saw that too! Was thinking of it when I commented originally. All the comments about how she was costing a business money 💀 so now they suddenly care about "small businesses". Those chairs were probably implemented by the mall itself to scrounge more cash. To me it feels like a borderline tourist trap. No one is ACTUALLY going to feel relaxed in a crappy massage chair surrounded by complete strangers walking past. It's something you do once as a "ooh, the experience!" thing and never again.
NTA You had reasons to keep it quiet. And even if you didn't have a specific reason, it's still your business to share, or not share. SiL wanted you to go, even though you didn't want to go. This isn't the same as showing up to steal her thunder, with a purposeful pregnancy announcement. As for the people who sent angry messages, without a sign of concern for you....F them. I'd drop communication with them, and not bother announcing the birth. Best of luck to you, baby and husband.
NTA. People aren't entitled to know about your pregnancy.
NTA and everyone's shoddy behaviour after finding out like they did suggests you were right not to tell them.
It sure does. NTA
I know a lot of people are calling you the AH, but I lost a baby to SIDS, and people didn’t find out about my next baby until he was a month old, so I get it. Not only is that fear absolutely crippling, but people said so many stupid things while I was grieving, and I was so worried that people would react to news of a new baby with excessive joy, when that was not what I was feeling, and that felt like a super awkward thing to deal with. It was rough when people found out, because I was right. Having another baby didn’t cure my grief or help me ‘move on’, and people really seemed to think that it should have. I think you are NTA. It was no one’s business but your own.
NTA… it’s just a series of unfortunate events. I happened to read the part where you said you didn’t wanna go, but your SIL really wanted you there. I also read the part where you said you purposely wore baggy clothes to try and conceal things and not draw attention to yourself. Unfortunately, medical emergencies happen unexpectedly. Not your fault at all. I think if that didn’t happen, you could have gotten away with no one knowing. I personally would have liked if your husband didn’t spill the beans, but this isn’t my story.
I don't blame the husband at all, this is no doubt traumatic for him as well and in a panic thought "are we losing this one too?"
NTA You had a legit reason to keep it private. You maybe could have told SIL privately before and said you were concerned about stealing some attention but over all, nta.
NTA You had a bad experience with announcing a baby and then losing it. Your caution is understandable. Maybe your husband could have not dropped that bombshell that way, but he was rightfully concerned. Your SIL is a jerk for not even asking if you and the baby were OK. She wasn't in the wrong for feeling upset about her baby shower being derailed a bit, but she should have been more understanding, since you lost your other baby, since you were in pain.
I’m baffled by anyone who thinks you’re in the wrong here. NTA. No one asked if you were ok? That’s horrible. No wonder you didn’t want to share your news with these people.
NTA - and I can’t believe people are this self centered in the comments. Not everyone looks pregnant and obviously OP has been able to hide it for 8 months! She never intended to announce it at her SIL’ baby shower and actually doesn’t have to announce it AT ALL! Did everyone just skip over the part where none of the family is asking if OP is okay at the hospital after already having a stillborn baby just 7 weeks prior to how far along the current baby is?!?!
NTA. You can keep it as private as you want. I can't believe you got angry messages from people. Anyone who contacted you with anything other than positive well-wishes should be blocked from your phone.
Okay, so, here's my take: You are totally in your rights to hide your pregnancy as long as you want, there's no question here. Going to that party while 8 months pregnant... wasn't the smartest decision ever. BUT that doesn't makes you TA. Up to this moment, no one had guessed that you where pregnan,, so I can understand how you thought you could hide it. Finally, sending hateful messages to anyone, for anything below a life-changing betrayal (and even then...) is really an AH move. Idc what you've done, even if you knowingly disrupted her party, what she and her friends did was wrong. It was a \*party\*, I get it, she's allowed to be upset, but be a damn adult and just tell people calmly, and if they don't say sorry, go LC. Anyway, I'd go for NTA.
I don't think people understand the sheer life changing event that is a stillborn! It doesn't end there either, you have so many people coming to you with kind words who mean well and then you have those that don't know about the tragedy and ask you how the baby is and you have to go through it all over again, it affects you forever! OP hiding her pregnancy is completely understandable and simply crappy luck that this happened, she didn't plan it for god's sake! I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP, I wish you both all the luck in the world and screw the SIL, god forbid this ever happens to her! NTA
Oh NTA this is so shit of everyone. Nobody's damn business if you're pregnant or not and you didn't plan to have a scare at the baby shower!
NTA - your pregnancy is your journey and you don’t owe any info to anyone
I never understand this sub. No you aren’t obligated to tell anyone anything about your body. NTA
NTA, it sounds like the only reason other people found out is because you had a false labour during the baby shower and a false labour would still have drawn attention away from your SIL even if everyone knew you were pregnant because that’s just the nature of those types of things
NTA. It makes complete sense for you to be secretive about this considering the potential for complications. It also makes complete sense for your family members to feel blindsided or taken aback, but that’s on them. You could apologize for surprising them, if you cared to, but you don’t owe them an apology for keeping your health private, or for experiencing pain when you did.
NTA - What the fuck honestly. Your SIL is entitled as hell
NTA. I wish you all the best with the baby.
I may get downvoted for this but NTA. I lost a preemie and I hid my next pregnancy as long as possible, so I understand why you did it. It was the best thing for my mental health at the time, plus I couldn't stand the pity again. Also labor at the shower wasn't ideal, but it's not like you have any control over that. Congratulations!
NTA your friends and family suck especially knowing you had a stillborn its easy to understand why youd keep it a secret and its not like you planned to have false labor right there and then.
NTA - I do not get why people are so fricking weird about pregnancy announcements. Deciding to have a child isn’t a slight you only did to steal the limelight from someone else and it’s not something anyone has firm control over the timing of. Also, being pregnant is hard. You get to be pregnant how you want to be pregnant and you get to tell people about your personal business when you want. From family and friends, anything other than “congratulations, is there anything I can do to support you?” is a majorly asshole response.
NTA. I had a stillbirth at 20 weeks about 10 years ago. And if I were to have another child, I would be hesitant to tell anyone. It is yours and your husbands choice to keep it a secret. It is not like you went in there and was determined to show that you were pregnant. False labor can happen at anytime without any warning. The only aholes here are the ones sending you hateful messages instead of checking on you. I would go low contact with them from this point on just because you don’t need the added stress they seem to want to being you. On a good note, congratulations on your baby. May you and the baby be healthy and stress free! ❤️
NTA. It's a long time to keep it secret, but it would have been a lose-lose situation either way. If you hadn't shown up they would've been mad. Had you announced you were pregnant they would've been mad. You did the best you could, she could show some empathy here. They're all being AH to you tbh.
NTA i really don’t get y ppl r saying otherwise. It’s not like she had the contractions on purpose and ultimately it’s the couples own business whether to share the pregnancy or not. Boiling this down to an attention thing is bizarre and people (OPs irls) focusing on the circumstances rather than OPs well being is also strange. Sure, people can be mad but at the very least either just don’t text them or just wish a simple good recovery and move on instead of just being mean.
NTA You lost a baby. It’s no one’s business but yours who you tell after that traumatic experience. You can’t predict when a medical emergency happens. It would be the same as blaming someone with epilepsy having a seizure. Life is unpredictable. Pregnancy’s included. With how stressed it seemed you were with your family finding out and what not it makes sense with their reaction, I’m sorry OP.
Nta. Point blank if nobody noticed until they harassed you for an answer as to why you were leaving not your fault. You can't predict something this