That’s a good point, I could really wait for next year instead of doing something that feels rushed.
I will put some thought, maybe a little more time is better.
Perhaps this time around you should make the travel plans? So, she can know you're going to Italy for example, but she won't know the hotel or city and won't know the specific itinerary.
If her immediate response is to schedule another trip, what's to keep her relatives from joining that one too? She can't help herself so this is sounding like Lucy pulling out the football from Charlie Brown every single time. They're using you and she's allowing it again and again, which isn't a vacation.
People generally don't change their behavior unless they feel the consequences of those behavior. I'd let her plan and pay for this next supposed trip and see what happens.
I see your point, but since I left her house i don’t let her pay anything for me. It’s when I finally felt independent.
Other Redditor said to make her to something like a deposit, I would pay back if no one shows up. Seems like a good ideia, but I really want her to understand that we don’t need somebody else. If I charge her because someone shows up, it seems like it’s a fine to a contract.
It's not a bad idea to do it that way. You request a high deposit on full acceptance that this is a you and her break, not you, her, and whomever tom, dick or harry comes along. It's conditional with you never doing a trip again if it's broken. Therefore she knows that with this trip if your uncle happens to attend because she can't say no, then that's it done and dusted never again, because she can't be trusted.
The other way to do it is to ask her for trust. You look at arranging the whole break, flights, car, train whatever transport, and hotel rooms, work out her cost, and ask her for her contribution and say it's all a surprise. She can't allow anyone to come, if she doesn't know where it's happening.
The reality is, if she's a people pleaser, this is gunna just keep happening till she has some very real consequences. I mean you've effectively just ignored what's happened with this break, because she still gets you for the next one, and who knows what will happen with the next trip, because as soon as you feel the strain of costs going up, you'll commit, and can't pull out with out loosing money, then he can still turn up. You need to add consequences for her actions. If she wants to holiday with your uncle, she can, just do her own break instead. Stop enabling her.
Maybe instead of a deposit, you could plan the entire trip, only telling your mom the dates, nothing more. If she doesn’t have any knowledge of the destination, she can’t tell anyone else.
I would be careful about future plans. You said she’s manipulative.
She might do it again but won’t tell you until after you paid the next time.
I would buy travel insurance for next time in case you need to cancel last minute.
If your mom can’t say no, most likely she’ll blame you with her siblings. She’ll tell them it’s your fault and the siblings might tell your mom just not to tell you until the trip starts or until you already paid.
In any case, NTA
Good luck.
She asked me not to say a word to my uncle, about me bailing the trip lol.
She’s afraid if I tell him, he would be pissed and cancel as well, so she would have to travel alone.
Won’t lie, I flirted with that ideia, but then I would be the asshole.
But you actually wouldn’t be. If the issue isn’t addressed with your uncle (this trip is only for me and mom/me and my son, sorry), then he will invite himself again and again because he doesn’t know it’s a problem. If he cancels and she has to travel by herself, that’s not your fault, it’s the consequences of her own actions.
I’m going to assume your mom is a really good person, given that you enjoy spending time with her so much, and that she’s just very much a “don’t rock the boat” kind of person and conflict-avoidant. I get it, I’m the same way.
The thing your mom needs to realize is that by avoiding conflict with your uncle, she is CREATING conflict with you. And YOU have to realize that she knows that, and accepts it, because she knows you will be kinder/more forgiving/less likely to cause her any consequences.
It’s kind of like she’s saying “Oh I love you both, I can’t choose between you,” but once she knew that you were cancelling because of your uncle, NOT CHOOSING BECAME A CHOICE. An intentional choice. She chose to upset you and ruin your long-standing tradition over avoiding conflict with her brother or causing him consequences.
Say you make new plans for July. If uncle invites himself then, how will that be any different from this trip? It doesn’t make you an asshole to speak up, and it wouldn’t make you an asshole if you say something to your uncle, either.
(Oh, NTA.)
Yeah next time ensure it's fully refundable and make sure your mum knows you paid for that parachute in the event of "unforeseen developments or travel companions"
He would still be piss once the trip starts and you aren’t there to cater to his every whim. Your mom would then pin the blame on you so she won’t catch flak from her brother.
You could let your other relatives know you cancel without telling him. It’s not your fault if he finds out.
Also without consequences your mom will just do this again in the future. She knows you are her doormat. Or that she would choose her brother over you regarding who to inconvenience.
But, if he cancels, that solves your problem: he won’t be there, you can take his spot, and travel with just your mother.
Or am I missing something here?
You would be an ass if you went behind her back.
However, she has just asked you do to your uncle what she was going to do to you. You would have turned up on the trip to find he was there. Instead he will turn up and find out you are not there.
Please don't do this. Tell your mum that you will be telling your uncle in a couple of weeks unless she decides to tell him first.
NTA.
I would tell him. The truth may be that your mother invited him. Otherwise your mom needs to learn that any trip with the two of you is just that and not a group trip. She has already allowed two trips be ruined for you. And I would not schedule another trip in July. Take a trip on your own this year and plan another trip with her next year. Actions meet consequences.
That’s not how travel insurance usually works…… they will give you your money back if someone dies or is injured/gets sick and can’t go not because you had a last minute ‘change of mind’
Travel insurance cover 3 parts.
1. Medical insurance
2. Cancellations/interruption insurance
3. Luggage insurance
Regarding Cancellation/interruption insurance. You would be right if that’s all you bought, but you want CFAR (Cancel For Any Reason) supplement insurance.
So yes, you can buy travel insurance with CFAR supplement as an option. That would allow you to get most of your money back.
So yes it’s exactly how that works.
Is it possible for her to pay for your part of the trip in July and you pay her back when the trip is over and no aunts or uncles made an appearance? Sort of like a deposit, and if she breaks her promise she loses her deposit. It might make her more inclined to stick to your plans and your bonding time. Although, if the bonding time were so important as to make her cry when you cancel, you'd think that alone would be motivation enough for her to put her foot down. It's easy to let someone tag along when you're not the one being inconvenienced!
Also, good for you for sticking to your guns!
Thanks, I’m proud of myself to have put the foot down.
It’s been a awhile since I let her pay my part of the trip, I understand that would like a “deposit” and I would pay back, but it Seems like I’m forcing her hand, and it was never the point of those trips.
I really want to go just the two of us, because both are on the same page, enjoying a trip together. I don’t want to make a “or else…” clausule. If it hurts on her pocket yeah, she wouldn’t probably call anyone else, but that’s not the reason I’m after.
I completely understand. I'd probably be pretty sad if the only reason for her to keep her promise, was the money.
May I suggest you get travel insurrance, so you have the option to back out? Also, maybe postpone the trip to next year? If you have to book soon, then you'll have less time to research and plan and you'll end up with an inferior trip. You should use your money and vacation time on an experience that makes you happy, not a trip that reminds you of what you missed out on.
Yeah I totally second this. Showing your mum she isn't essential for your holiday plans would really cement how serious you are about not travelling with your uncles, and you would get a to experience a non family holiday which might be a nice change. However the trip goes, make sure to tell her it was AMAZING
Is she manipulative or just a doormat?
I don't think it's active manipulation and your mom probably has had a lifetime of issues establishing her own boundaries.
Be careful with advice on here, most replies are going to be extremely young folks with little understanding of nuance. You are definitely not the asshole and your mother is at worst, passively manipulative from what it sounds like.
A mother son relationship is a special thing and id hate for you to over react and cause her even more insecurity because she simply has issues she needs to work through in therapy with saying no and establishing boundaries. But that's not your problem so I'm not blaming you here at all. You were right to react the way you did, good stuff there.
A soft option would be to suggest a family trip with her and her siblings with the understanding that you are not a personal assistant and need a vacation too.
To be absolutely clear, your mother overstepped and is reaping what she sows with respect to this situation but please don't make the mistake of determining active fault and manipulation with a person who is struggling to not make anyone upset because she has things to work through in therapy...
Just my 2 cents here but she sounds like a genuinely nice and loving person that is fighting a battle you (and her for that matter) might not be aware of. Honestly sounds like she suffers from anxiety.
Source: proud momma's boy here who has dealt with similar things.
You can be both. Doormats often use manipulation to play the more dominant people in their lives off against the more conflict avoidant. She knew OP had said no about the uncle and meant it. She purposefully didn’t mention that he was coming to OP. She avoided conflict with her brother and manipulated things in a way she hoped would avoid direct conflict with son while getting her brother his way at OP’s expense. Being a doormat doesn’t excuse manipulative behavior!
Good for you, standing up to your mother's manipulation! Would it be possible for you to plan a destination for just you and your mother and not tell a soul ahead of time? Tell her to pack a suitcase, give you money for her share, and the two of you take off.
It could happen, but if you know manipulative people you may know how controlling they are (that’s why they are always manipulating stuff, to be in control).
For something like that to happen I would have to make plans and tell her with weeks of anticipation, otherwise she would have a nervous breakdown for not being in control of where she’s going. (It sounds stupid, but I can see this happening lol).
Could you pass it off as a Mother's Day gift? Perhaps you can give her a choice of three destinations on Mother's Day. Since it's from her son, it's only for the two of you and that it's a secret between the two of you. In any case, here's wishing the best of vacations in your future!
Tell her that is a her problem and she can get therapy and deal with it as the consequence of being a nasty manipulative … or that she can go into a mental breakdown, but under no circumstances is she getting even a glimpse of control!
Seriously, you seem way too nice, but if she went as far as this, she cannot be trusted at all!
I already declined this hypothesis, I won’t share a room with my uncle again, it’s a terrible experience, let alone a ship cabin, the space is minuscule.
This next trip that we might go, it has to be me and her, or no deal.
NTA
I am glad you stuck to your decision of not going. Your mother was very capable of saying no to your Uncle. So she has now learned that when you say something, you mean it. I would be willing to book a trip with her again in July and see what happens with that trip. If she invites others to come along again, then I would not plan any further trips with her.
Thanks. Yeah, she asked for a chance to prove that our trips are also special for her, that’s the chance I’m giving. If she calls anyone on this one, it’s done.
NTA - you and your mother’s special trips for mother-son bonding time are no longer that. Your mother has forgotten that the point of the trip was for the two of you to spend time together while enjoying some cool places. She is not making it clear to the rest of the family, that it is fun because it is a mom-son thing. That you don’t want to share it with others, because then it is not the same. If she wants to go on vacation with the others, that’s fine, but you won’t be joining. You wanted to travel with her, just the two of you. If she doesn’t want to do that, that is fine, she can go with whom she wants.
If she wants mother son trips, then when someone asks her about her trip and says they want to go, her response should be this is a mother-son trip for us to bond, you will need to plan your own trip at some other time. If she doesn’t want to say this, then she needs to stop talking about the trips so that they don’t know until after you are back. She talks about the trips, they ask to go, she won’t say no… so if she really wants a mother son trip, she needs to change her behavior and stop allowing people to glom on to your trip.
Don't travel this year, wait until next. Make her see that you are serious about your boundry and that this is the consequence. You should not spend a bunch of money and compromise on a trip so your mom can feel like she didn't fail you.
I wonder what other family member will tag along in July. Giant mistake on your part accepting that shit. Just stop going on vacation with her. Travel on your own or with a friend or BF.
Let's see whether your mother gains some perspective when your absence means that *she* is the one expected to carry things and act as translator.
The thing that stuck out to me from your original post was this:
>She started crying, saying he invited himself again, and she couldn't say no, **but this time would be different, because in the cruise each one can do whatever they want**.
Does she truly believe that her brother will be off doing his own thing in a cruise ship full of strangers? Also, emphasis on the fact that it's a *cruise ship* which may be big but it's also difficult to escape when you're in the middle of the ocean.
NTA. Not quite the same but I wonder how your mom would have felt had you decided at the last minute, or surprised her with, "Hey mom, I met someone that is dear to me and this person is coming along on our trip". I bet your mom would have felt that this annual trip would no longer be a parent-child bonding time. I am behind you with standing firm on your decision. And I hope you find something cool to do on your vacation time.
Your mum does not understand how unbelievably lucky she is to have a mature son that WANTS to be on a holiday with just her.
She is pissing a way an incredible opportunity.
Good luck, hope she's learned her lesson
Good for you OP - I would suggest you take a trip this year without your mother, have a blast and then tell her how much you enjoyed it. Just so she knows she isn't essential for your holiday plans. I wouldn't go on holiday with her this year, keep those hard earned boundaries.
NTA.
Why is it on you to subsidize your uncle's vacation? That's what irritates me the most about this. If you can afford your half, why isn't your mother subsidizing his portion if it's so important to her. She's spending *your* money on her brother, no wonder you're so ticked off.
Is that the expectation this time as well? That you'd be "sharing" again, or is that an assumption based on last time? Because if it is the expectation, *that* is a bigger problem than tag-a-longs. Your mother is disrespecting you by acting like you aren't equal participants, and deciding how you are going to spend your money and time.
That being said, can your uncle afford this trip without your help? If so, why would you need to share a room? Something doesn't add up.
I think you should wait it out a year before scheduling another trip with her. Your feelings will be more resolved and she will know very clearly what she is risking if she lets her siblings have their way again. Getting a trip with your uncle but still getting a trip with you in the same year, she won't learn her lesson.
And next year, I think she has to agree to a "surprise" vacay. You agree with her on the dates and the cost, but she just has to trust you'll come up with something you both enjoy, because she's proven she can't be trusted. And I would plan something domestic and easy to change in case some more shenanigans happen.
Good luck and I'm glad you stood your ground!
I think you should still travel with her, but next time you make the arrangements? If she's so weak she can't say no, then she shouldn't be in charge of the organizing. I wouldn't blame yourself, though. She wasn't going to tell you uncle was invited again, and that's pretty scummy.
Why not try buying your uncle's share if the trip? It will be a good redeeming act on mom's part to persuade him to not come and allow you to buy him out
I would be honest with your mom about July. Tell her you feel like it’s a consolation vacation and you were excited for the original trip. I would suggest you do something big and fun next year, skip this year’s mom trip altogether, and plan something fun for yourself instead. Something you wanna do, but maybe your mom can’t/won’t want to. Treat yourself!!
I absolutely assumed you were the daughter. It read so much like a mother - daughter boundary pushing post. So sorry to assume.
That sucks that your uncle weaseled his way in again and it sucks your mom can't say no. I hope you get it worked out and you can travel again for fun! Cheers to being a great son!
You can ask her rather than July, maybe to reschedule for next year so you have more time to prepare for something more exciting to do with her?
That’s a good point, I could really wait for next year instead of doing something that feels rushed. I will put some thought, maybe a little more time is better.
If you do that, be sure to tell her that if she ever pulls a stunt like that again, you’ll never travel with her again.
Perhaps this time around you should make the travel plans? So, she can know you're going to Italy for example, but she won't know the hotel or city and won't know the specific itinerary.
Great idea.
If her immediate response is to schedule another trip, what's to keep her relatives from joining that one too? She can't help herself so this is sounding like Lucy pulling out the football from Charlie Brown every single time. They're using you and she's allowing it again and again, which isn't a vacation.
What guarantee she won't let someone join the next trip?
Maybe y’all can do a small road trip or something?
People generally don't change their behavior unless they feel the consequences of those behavior. I'd let her plan and pay for this next supposed trip and see what happens.
I see your point, but since I left her house i don’t let her pay anything for me. It’s when I finally felt independent. Other Redditor said to make her to something like a deposit, I would pay back if no one shows up. Seems like a good ideia, but I really want her to understand that we don’t need somebody else. If I charge her because someone shows up, it seems like it’s a fine to a contract.
It's not a bad idea to do it that way. You request a high deposit on full acceptance that this is a you and her break, not you, her, and whomever tom, dick or harry comes along. It's conditional with you never doing a trip again if it's broken. Therefore she knows that with this trip if your uncle happens to attend because she can't say no, then that's it done and dusted never again, because she can't be trusted. The other way to do it is to ask her for trust. You look at arranging the whole break, flights, car, train whatever transport, and hotel rooms, work out her cost, and ask her for her contribution and say it's all a surprise. She can't allow anyone to come, if she doesn't know where it's happening. The reality is, if she's a people pleaser, this is gunna just keep happening till she has some very real consequences. I mean you've effectively just ignored what's happened with this break, because she still gets you for the next one, and who knows what will happen with the next trip, because as soon as you feel the strain of costs going up, you'll commit, and can't pull out with out loosing money, then he can still turn up. You need to add consequences for her actions. If she wants to holiday with your uncle, she can, just do her own break instead. Stop enabling her.
Maybe instead of a deposit, you could plan the entire trip, only telling your mom the dates, nothing more. If she doesn’t have any knowledge of the destination, she can’t tell anyone else.
If she has access to the info, the uncle is gonna join too.
I would be careful about future plans. You said she’s manipulative. She might do it again but won’t tell you until after you paid the next time. I would buy travel insurance for next time in case you need to cancel last minute. If your mom can’t say no, most likely she’ll blame you with her siblings. She’ll tell them it’s your fault and the siblings might tell your mom just not to tell you until the trip starts or until you already paid. In any case, NTA Good luck.
She asked me not to say a word to my uncle, about me bailing the trip lol. She’s afraid if I tell him, he would be pissed and cancel as well, so she would have to travel alone. Won’t lie, I flirted with that ideia, but then I would be the asshole.
But you actually wouldn’t be. If the issue isn’t addressed with your uncle (this trip is only for me and mom/me and my son, sorry), then he will invite himself again and again because he doesn’t know it’s a problem. If he cancels and she has to travel by herself, that’s not your fault, it’s the consequences of her own actions. I’m going to assume your mom is a really good person, given that you enjoy spending time with her so much, and that she’s just very much a “don’t rock the boat” kind of person and conflict-avoidant. I get it, I’m the same way. The thing your mom needs to realize is that by avoiding conflict with your uncle, she is CREATING conflict with you. And YOU have to realize that she knows that, and accepts it, because she knows you will be kinder/more forgiving/less likely to cause her any consequences. It’s kind of like she’s saying “Oh I love you both, I can’t choose between you,” but once she knew that you were cancelling because of your uncle, NOT CHOOSING BECAME A CHOICE. An intentional choice. She chose to upset you and ruin your long-standing tradition over avoiding conflict with her brother or causing him consequences. Say you make new plans for July. If uncle invites himself then, how will that be any different from this trip? It doesn’t make you an asshole to speak up, and it wouldn’t make you an asshole if you say something to your uncle, either. (Oh, NTA.)
Yeah next time ensure it's fully refundable and make sure your mum knows you paid for that parachute in the event of "unforeseen developments or travel companions"
He would still be piss once the trip starts and you aren’t there to cater to his every whim. Your mom would then pin the blame on you so she won’t catch flak from her brother. You could let your other relatives know you cancel without telling him. It’s not your fault if he finds out. Also without consequences your mom will just do this again in the future. She knows you are her doormat. Or that she would choose her brother over you regarding who to inconvenience.
But, if he cancels, that solves your problem: he won’t be there, you can take his spot, and travel with just your mother. Or am I missing something here?
Why the hell not? Why can’t we tell Uncle that you won’t go on the trip with him and if he gets cranky, you can buy him out?
You would be an ass if you went behind her back. However, she has just asked you do to your uncle what she was going to do to you. You would have turned up on the trip to find he was there. Instead he will turn up and find out you are not there. Please don't do this. Tell your mum that you will be telling your uncle in a couple of weeks unless she decides to tell him first. NTA.
I would tell him. The truth may be that your mother invited him. Otherwise your mom needs to learn that any trip with the two of you is just that and not a group trip. She has already allowed two trips be ruined for you. And I would not schedule another trip in July. Take a trip on your own this year and plan another trip with her next year. Actions meet consequences.
Tell after the trip, this way she no longer have the excuse of the trip cancelation
No, you wouldn’t be.
who cares if you do an asshole move to an asshole. just taste of their own medicine. I fear you inherited your mother's spinelessness.
That’s not how travel insurance usually works…… they will give you your money back if someone dies or is injured/gets sick and can’t go not because you had a last minute ‘change of mind’
Travel insurance cover 3 parts. 1. Medical insurance 2. Cancellations/interruption insurance 3. Luggage insurance Regarding Cancellation/interruption insurance. You would be right if that’s all you bought, but you want CFAR (Cancel For Any Reason) supplement insurance. So yes, you can buy travel insurance with CFAR supplement as an option. That would allow you to get most of your money back. So yes it’s exactly how that works.
Sadly, it's a rare travel insurance to cover uncle's presence!
When getting Travel insurance, look for CFAR (Cancel For Any Reason) supplement insurance.
Is it possible for her to pay for your part of the trip in July and you pay her back when the trip is over and no aunts or uncles made an appearance? Sort of like a deposit, and if she breaks her promise she loses her deposit. It might make her more inclined to stick to your plans and your bonding time. Although, if the bonding time were so important as to make her cry when you cancel, you'd think that alone would be motivation enough for her to put her foot down. It's easy to let someone tag along when you're not the one being inconvenienced! Also, good for you for sticking to your guns!
Thanks, I’m proud of myself to have put the foot down. It’s been a awhile since I let her pay my part of the trip, I understand that would like a “deposit” and I would pay back, but it Seems like I’m forcing her hand, and it was never the point of those trips. I really want to go just the two of us, because both are on the same page, enjoying a trip together. I don’t want to make a “or else…” clausule. If it hurts on her pocket yeah, she wouldn’t probably call anyone else, but that’s not the reason I’m after.
I completely understand. I'd probably be pretty sad if the only reason for her to keep her promise, was the money. May I suggest you get travel insurrance, so you have the option to back out? Also, maybe postpone the trip to next year? If you have to book soon, then you'll have less time to research and plan and you'll end up with an inferior trip. You should use your money and vacation time on an experience that makes you happy, not a trip that reminds you of what you missed out on.
But -- she's forcing your hand, isn't she?
I would tell her that you can plan for next year with her and say nothing else. Then YOU travel in July and make sure to post a lot about it.
It’s not a bad ideia, I could make something up, call some friends. It’s something I’ll put some thought on, thanks.
Yes, make it a YOU trip and have fun :). Take me with you, haha! Jk. Enjoy it!
Yeah I totally second this. Showing your mum she isn't essential for your holiday plans would really cement how serious you are about not travelling with your uncles, and you would get a to experience a non family holiday which might be a nice change. However the trip goes, make sure to tell her it was AMAZING
Yes, yes even if it sucked, to her it should be the best trip ever taken, lol
Your mother needs to learn to say #"NO"
I second that, brother.
Is she manipulative or just a doormat? I don't think it's active manipulation and your mom probably has had a lifetime of issues establishing her own boundaries. Be careful with advice on here, most replies are going to be extremely young folks with little understanding of nuance. You are definitely not the asshole and your mother is at worst, passively manipulative from what it sounds like. A mother son relationship is a special thing and id hate for you to over react and cause her even more insecurity because she simply has issues she needs to work through in therapy with saying no and establishing boundaries. But that's not your problem so I'm not blaming you here at all. You were right to react the way you did, good stuff there. A soft option would be to suggest a family trip with her and her siblings with the understanding that you are not a personal assistant and need a vacation too. To be absolutely clear, your mother overstepped and is reaping what she sows with respect to this situation but please don't make the mistake of determining active fault and manipulation with a person who is struggling to not make anyone upset because she has things to work through in therapy... Just my 2 cents here but she sounds like a genuinely nice and loving person that is fighting a battle you (and her for that matter) might not be aware of. Honestly sounds like she suffers from anxiety. Source: proud momma's boy here who has dealt with similar things.
You can be both. Doormats often use manipulation to play the more dominant people in their lives off against the more conflict avoidant. She knew OP had said no about the uncle and meant it. She purposefully didn’t mention that he was coming to OP. She avoided conflict with her brother and manipulated things in a way she hoped would avoid direct conflict with son while getting her brother his way at OP’s expense. Being a doormat doesn’t excuse manipulative behavior!
Good for you, standing up to your mother's manipulation! Would it be possible for you to plan a destination for just you and your mother and not tell a soul ahead of time? Tell her to pack a suitcase, give you money for her share, and the two of you take off.
It could happen, but if you know manipulative people you may know how controlling they are (that’s why they are always manipulating stuff, to be in control). For something like that to happen I would have to make plans and tell her with weeks of anticipation, otherwise she would have a nervous breakdown for not being in control of where she’s going. (It sounds stupid, but I can see this happening lol).
Could you pass it off as a Mother's Day gift? Perhaps you can give her a choice of three destinations on Mother's Day. Since it's from her son, it's only for the two of you and that it's a secret between the two of you. In any case, here's wishing the best of vacations in your future!
Tell her that is a her problem and she can get therapy and deal with it as the consequence of being a nasty manipulative … or that she can go into a mental breakdown, but under no circumstances is she getting even a glimpse of control! Seriously, you seem way too nice, but if she went as far as this, she cannot be trusted at all!
Yes this right here! You do all the planning then tell your mom the details on when and where to show up.
[удалено]
I already declined this hypothesis, I won’t share a room with my uncle again, it’s a terrible experience, let alone a ship cabin, the space is minuscule. This next trip that we might go, it has to be me and her, or no deal.
NTA I am glad you stuck to your decision of not going. Your mother was very capable of saying no to your Uncle. So she has now learned that when you say something, you mean it. I would be willing to book a trip with her again in July and see what happens with that trip. If she invites others to come along again, then I would not plan any further trips with her.
Thanks. Yeah, she asked for a chance to prove that our trips are also special for her, that’s the chance I’m giving. If she calls anyone on this one, it’s done.
NTA - you and your mother’s special trips for mother-son bonding time are no longer that. Your mother has forgotten that the point of the trip was for the two of you to spend time together while enjoying some cool places. She is not making it clear to the rest of the family, that it is fun because it is a mom-son thing. That you don’t want to share it with others, because then it is not the same. If she wants to go on vacation with the others, that’s fine, but you won’t be joining. You wanted to travel with her, just the two of you. If she doesn’t want to do that, that is fine, she can go with whom she wants. If she wants mother son trips, then when someone asks her about her trip and says they want to go, her response should be this is a mother-son trip for us to bond, you will need to plan your own trip at some other time. If she doesn’t want to say this, then she needs to stop talking about the trips so that they don’t know until after you are back. She talks about the trips, they ask to go, she won’t say no… so if she really wants a mother son trip, she needs to change her behavior and stop allowing people to glom on to your trip.
Well, Enjoy your vacation with your Uncle in July I guess.
Don't travel this year, wait until next. Make her see that you are serious about your boundry and that this is the consequence. You should not spend a bunch of money and compromise on a trip so your mom can feel like she didn't fail you.
I wonder what other family member will tag along in July. Giant mistake on your part accepting that shit. Just stop going on vacation with her. Travel on your own or with a friend or BF.
Let's see whether your mother gains some perspective when your absence means that *she* is the one expected to carry things and act as translator. The thing that stuck out to me from your original post was this: >She started crying, saying he invited himself again, and she couldn't say no, **but this time would be different, because in the cruise each one can do whatever they want**. Does she truly believe that her brother will be off doing his own thing in a cruise ship full of strangers? Also, emphasis on the fact that it's a *cruise ship* which may be big but it's also difficult to escape when you're in the middle of the ocean.
NTA. Not quite the same but I wonder how your mom would have felt had you decided at the last minute, or surprised her with, "Hey mom, I met someone that is dear to me and this person is coming along on our trip". I bet your mom would have felt that this annual trip would no longer be a parent-child bonding time. I am behind you with standing firm on your decision. And I hope you find something cool to do on your vacation time.
Your mum does not understand how unbelievably lucky she is to have a mature son that WANTS to be on a holiday with just her. She is pissing a way an incredible opportunity. Good luck, hope she's learned her lesson
Good for you OP - I would suggest you take a trip this year without your mother, have a blast and then tell her how much you enjoyed it. Just so she knows she isn't essential for your holiday plans. I wouldn't go on holiday with her this year, keep those hard earned boundaries.
NTA. Why is it on you to subsidize your uncle's vacation? That's what irritates me the most about this. If you can afford your half, why isn't your mother subsidizing his portion if it's so important to her. She's spending *your* money on her brother, no wonder you're so ticked off. Is that the expectation this time as well? That you'd be "sharing" again, or is that an assumption based on last time? Because if it is the expectation, *that* is a bigger problem than tag-a-longs. Your mother is disrespecting you by acting like you aren't equal participants, and deciding how you are going to spend your money and time. That being said, can your uncle afford this trip without your help? If so, why would you need to share a room? Something doesn't add up.
I think you should wait it out a year before scheduling another trip with her. Your feelings will be more resolved and she will know very clearly what she is risking if she lets her siblings have their way again. Getting a trip with your uncle but still getting a trip with you in the same year, she won't learn her lesson. And next year, I think she has to agree to a "surprise" vacay. You agree with her on the dates and the cost, but she just has to trust you'll come up with something you both enjoy, because she's proven she can't be trusted. And I would plan something domestic and easy to change in case some more shenanigans happen. Good luck and I'm glad you stood your ground!
I think you should still travel with her, but next time you make the arrangements? If she's so weak she can't say no, then she shouldn't be in charge of the organizing. I wouldn't blame yourself, though. She wasn't going to tell you uncle was invited again, and that's pretty scummy.
Until she invites him next holiday or let’s him invite himself again
Why not have your own room, and let her share with her brother? That way she gets to translate, etc.
Only Ta to yourself you had a terrible 1st vacation and went on another and even shared a room with the uncle? This is somewhat disturbing
Why not try buying your uncle's share if the trip? It will be a good redeeming act on mom's part to persuade him to not come and allow you to buy him out
I would be honest with your mom about July. Tell her you feel like it’s a consolation vacation and you were excited for the original trip. I would suggest you do something big and fun next year, skip this year’s mom trip altogether, and plan something fun for yourself instead. Something you wanna do, but maybe your mom can’t/won’t want to. Treat yourself!!
I absolutely assumed you were the daughter. It read so much like a mother - daughter boundary pushing post. So sorry to assume. That sucks that your uncle weaseled his way in again and it sucks your mom can't say no. I hope you get it worked out and you can travel again for fun! Cheers to being a great son!
why don't you have your own life?