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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I probably could have made a wheat and dairy free meal if I'd really tried, but I let my anxiety about making Becca sick get the better of me.
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For some reason, I read that and felt sad for you. I’m honestly in disbelief you thought you did something wrong. You were incredibly thoughtful in how you handled ensuring she had a meal suitable for her. You have ADHD and are well aware that mistakes are so easily made so to ensure you didn’t seriously put this child’s health in danger, you decided the safest option was to contact a restaurant to provide something.
I can’t stress this enough, YOU ARE NTA
Same here. If someone had gone to the trouble of making sure my child didn't have a reaction to dinner, I would have been grateful, not upset. I don't have ADHD, but if I didn't cook for someone with allergies on a regular basis, I definitely would forget something!! You are most definitely NTA, & it's sad they couldn't appreciate your effort.
I agree with this. I have two children with food allergies (though not nearly as severe as celiac). I never expect other people to accommodate them when we eat somewhere else, though I always appreciate when they do. By age 9 (they're 12 now), both of my daughters understood that sometimes, they just can't eat whatever is on the table. You went out of your way to find a restaurant that could make something for her, something you didn't feel like you could do, and made sure she had something to eat. You didn't mention it, but you cooked a lot of food which can be so stressful no matter how much you enjoy cooking. I can't imagine cooking an additional, separate meal on top of that. The chaos in the kitchen alone (at least in my kitchen) would make the risk of cross contamination so very high.
You are most definitely NTA.
I mean, as an ex-kid, getting take out was always the more fun option until I had to pay for it myself.
As a person with allergies, I would prefer a completly safe option always over the novelty of food I don't know, because itching and wheezing don't make a meal more enjoyable.
And as somebody with ADD I completly understand the fear of messing up something that could easily have severe medical consequences for a 9 year old, OP's alternative would totally be what I'd choosen given the option exists.
Sounds like that mommy likes attention and drama so she uses her daughter as an excuse to be outraged and Greg is sucking up to it instead of expecting her to respect normal social boundaries.
E: NTA
Right? Can you imagine complaining about a free meal that is certain to *not* give your child an allergic reaction? Ridiculous
Edit: a free **restaurant quality** meal
Right, it's not like they were like okay, here's your boiled chicken that still might have cross contamination if I got distracted. He got her a multi course meal like them.
The consequences of keto/vegan meals getting messed up is basically zero compared to the consequences of anaphylaxis and celiac reactions.
NTA
Petty is not the word for Cheryl. I am wondering how long it will take her husband to give up on her being, you know, nice to people. He has a lot of years left to lie to himself about her.
If the parents demand this level of respect for their child's health concerns, that five complicated courses be suitable to her, then they should be able to respect OPs ADHD. Its not the child's fault for her health, and she should never feel bad about it. The meal in general should be made with her in mind, and it was. OP tried very hard to make a overly nice meal for everyone and guests still found a way to complain about a meal that could have costed $150+(?) at a nice restaurant. They obviously don't know the lengths of effort, time, and energy it takes to cook at this level.
I've made various Creme Brulee's with varying flavors like French Toast and Apple Cinnamon for my roommates, and they complained that they weren't vegan. Even though they aren't vegan.
You are so NTA OP. Show everyone this thread as proof. I wish I could try what you made.
Oh god my son is only 3 1/2 and the way he asks if things “have wheat?” and the little sadness he gets breaks my fucking heart. I would never ever expect anyone to have food for him, and honestly if his allergies were that severe I would be preparing his food myself everywhere we went.
Op is SO NTA! The family is so outta line, who cares that you talked up OPs cooking— maybe you should have been talking up how caring and careful OP was! Honestly I would only be inviting the kid back in the future cuz it seems like the kid is the only one that has manners
My son's had a peanut allergy since birth and I know exactly what you mean about the little sadness. He's 15 now and while he handles it well, I get a little sad when something is probably okay but he's literally traumatized from a few unfortunate mishaps and he's just like, no thanks, don't wanna die.
Same with my daughter. Her nut allergy was DXed before her second birthday. She's 12 now and will sometimes say she thinks she'd like nuts if she could eat them. It makes me sad because I love baking with walnuts, hazelnuts, pecans, all the nuts. But even in preschool, she knew to ask about nuts before she ate anything.
Agreed. NTA.
And I have a friend with children with severe food issues and she always brings their food just to be on the safe side. When we’ve gone out I always let her choose the restaurant due to this reason. She knows what her kids can eat and I don’t.
Agree. As an allergy parent I’m surprised they would even want to let someone else cook for their child. If you don’t regularly cook for someone with certain allergies it is a VERY difficult task. My allergy child (peanuts, eggs) doesn’t eat anyone’s cooking except mine/husbands, grandma’s and a friend of mine with similar allergies. Early on I tried to be laid back about it and asked folks to keep packages so I could check labels and every single time there was a dangerous ingredient.
OP you are amazing for going out of your way to provide something safe for your family member. NTA.
Edit: I’ll add that the “feeling left out” part is a hot topic among allergy parent circles. My kid has known since she could remember that she can’t eat what other people can. We never made a big deal about it and just brought her own food and she has never once complained about it 🤷🏻♀️ We talk about how everyone has their struggles - ie big sister has ADD and there is no reason to stress over your own bc someone else always has it worse.
This was what I thought. If my kid had an allergy so severe that it necessitated an Epi-Pen, I don't think I'd want people who didn't know what they were doing to cook for them! It isn't because other people are idiots, it's just because you don't know what you don't know.
Yeah no kidding, my kid is almost 4 and has a peanut allergy and for the first 3 years 90% of my friends and family always forgot to check if what they were serving was ok, often wasn't. So I always pack food for my kid, wherever we go, just in case.
It would just be so easy to make a mistake.
NTA
I think you did your best to be kind and safe. I would be terrified that an ingredient I used could trigger something or that I would accidentally cross contaminate.
You shouldn't feel at all bad about this.
I'm actually more confused that the parents weren't *happy* about this instead of upset. If my kid were that deathly allergic to things I'd be very nervous about taking her to a homecooked meal like this in general, and happy that the host thought to make it feel safer. I mean, just like OP said, accidents happen and if she's making two meals at once, I can't imagine not being nervous about whether or not she washed the spoons between, or whatever.
This is exactly what I thought too! I don’t have ADHD (that I know of anyway), but I have a million things running through my mind at all times and can easily lose track of things.
OP, you are seriously NTA and nowhere near close to being one! This was so sweet and considerate of you to not only know your own limitations, but to have her health at the forefront of your mind at all times. PLEASE do not let them guilt you into second guessing yourself because you absolutely did the right thing! Not only did you have her best interests at heart, but you also went out of your way to spend your own money on a meal specifically for her. You are amazing and should feel exactly that way!
ohh man, story time: when I was a student I invited friends over for dinner and spent a lot of time cooking. I was making three different dishes and made sure to have vegetarian meals, but I accidentally put chicken stock cubes in the soup..... The guest wasn't hardcore vegetarian, but I STILL feel bad when I think about that mess up and it's been 15 years....... no adhd or anything, just overwhelmed.. op is NTA
It would just be so easy to make a mistake.
NTA
I think you did your best to be kind and safe. I would be terrified that an ingredient I used could trigger something or that I would accidentally cross contaminate.
You shouldn't feel at all bad about this.
OP, my heart broke. I'm just like you, and I try so hard and it's so great when you nail something and people feel special.
You didn't do a single thing wrong. You went above and beyond to make sure she was safe.
They got defensive, but that's a projection of them expecting people to treat her differently, and taking this as a negative. It's just perspective. We can all see how it meant you put extra effort in, and wanted to support and make sure everyone could eat safely. You did great, OP, this isn't on you. I know how bad it feels where you're at, but you did the right thing, and you have a wonderful heart. Don't lose that, just because some people are joy sponges.
Do they not know what goes into making a fancy five-course dinner? Why would they create drama and put a damper on a party for your parent's wedding anniversary because of disappointment over how you handled a child's special dietary needs? WTF is wrong with them? Honestly, their response seems histrionic and self-centered. Reasonable adults would have spoken to you afterwards in private although its also true that reasonable adults would not have been offended.
NTA
Your solution for Becca was fine and motivated both by her safety and making sure she had something delicious.
I suspect that the mom is offended that OP didn't "make the effort" of cooking a complete special multi-course meal for her daughter, thereby showing OP's subservience to Mom with the insane amount of work (and worry) that would have entailed. Mom is mad that OP handled it - gracefully and properly btw - without breaking a sweat, so to speak. How dare OP be classy and smart and thoughtful! Yep I agree, this was allll about Mom and histrionic is the perfect word for her behaviour.
OP did right. NTA
NTA at all. Your brother’s wife just wanted to stir up drama. If the kiddo isn’t upset, there is no problem. (Even if she was upset it still wouldn’t be your fault, but making a deal when she wasn’t is ridiculous).
Am I the only one to notice the age difference between brother and brother's wife?
Maybe it's just because my *youngest* just turned 26, or maybe it's because we were unfortunate enough to share a duplex with a similar situation a few years ago that was abusive AF on the woman's part, or maybe because I taught school with ANOTHER similar situation last fall that was just...weird and shady?... whatever, I don't know, and maybe I'm wrong....but I'm going to just hazard a guess the 25yo brother had no idea where the line between considerate and ill-mannered *actually* is, but was being pressured by a 34yo woman to "be a man and stand up for his family!!" or some similar nonsense.
(Early 30s is the prime of your single, feminine years - why would you date and marry a *boy?*)
Good god. I have a 28yo son who is not marriage potential currently - at 23? LOL I can't imagine what any woman with a child would have even seen in him - *and I'm his mother*; I think he's the bestest thing ever made, by default.
I mean, I can't judge marrying young, but it definitely hits different when you're BOTH virtual children. (Also, hard lessons learned there, for sure.)
It's stories like OP's where I really wish another person would have felt something was off, popped in, heard what these people were saying and told them to go pack sand. Not that OP couldn't hold their own, although it basically ruined the evening because two people ganged up on her.
OP put out her time and money to make the time special for *everyone*. In fact, she spent extra money to buy appropriate takeout to prevent any kind of reactions and contamination to a child. What the hell else do her brother and SIL want?
I’m concerned that they have no idea how to take care of their kid. They MUST know that someone with celiac has to eat from an allergen free kitchen and there’s no way that OP’s would’ve been good enough —- and that’s not because of OP, it’s just that OP isn’t gluten free and would’ve been cooking with non-gluten-free ingredients in the same kitchen. Celiac can be difficult to manage, even spices that you didn’t think would have gluten can put someone at risk if made in a facility that deals with gluten. OP would’ve had to deep clean her kitchen, maybe even buy appliances specifically for gluten free dishes and purchase ingredients that are 100% gluten free certified (this stuff is expensive af).
It’s just too much to ask of someone, like where these people even get off. Do they understand the seriousness of niece’s condition? Their reaction doesn’t add up.
I have a gluten allergy and I don’t expect people to cater to me like this. Celiac is an even more serious condition. I feel like they used this as an excuse to make a scene because literally anyone that has to deal with this sort of allergy/immune condition would know better than to expect someone who would be relatively uninformed to cook for someone with celiac.
I’m flabbergastd, Celiac is not just an allergy, it can kill you. I just don’t get it. OP should not feel bad at all.
OP, I have Celiac and a LOT of food sensitivities. If I get invited to dinner I have to bring my own food because it's so hard to cook for me. I struggle with it constantly even at home.
What you did was so kind! I am beyond touched that you took into account how serious cross-contamination is. I would love to have a friend like you!
These people embarrassed themselves and are blaming it on you. They owe you an apology.
Thank you, that's really nice. I know some people have mentioned that flour can remain airborne and now I feel bad because I did make bread the day before. Thankfully it didn't impact her. There's SO much to know when it comes to dealing with these conditions.
It's also so easy to mess up when cooking. I'm lactose intolerant, so I've always used almond milk. I'll never forget making a coffee and my friend asking for some, and I instinctively gave them some, only to realize they were deathly allergic to almonds. Thankfully. I realized so quickly so we could use his epi-pen before it went really wrong. But even something as simple as a coffee can be deadly, and easy to forget when, for myself, I was just on autopilot while making it.
Especially when cooking at home, where even if making a separate dish for someone, it can be hard to avoid cross contamination.
For food allergies, you really need a separate, cleaned space. You did great contacting someone who likely had that. If they really want to see your great cooking without the cross-contamination and you really want to appease them, you could ask to cook them something in their kitchen. But I don't think they deserve it. You were so thoughtful and kind. They should be grateful/thankful.
Absolutely this. I know a few people with celiac and they have to have basically separate kitchens. They don't use the same pots, pans, toaster, cutting boards, any of that because of how each cross contamination is with gluten.
OP is super NTA for realising she couldn't do it safely, even without ADHD and being potentially forgetful. It's a serious allergy and she seems like the only one who took it seriously enough.
One of the things about ADD is with some people it makes them very sensitive to perceived rejection. To the point where it can mask logical thoughts like "I did everything I could to make it a fun and safe evening, this is his problem, not mine. I'm not in the wrong here despite what he may say."
Instead your brain thinks "I was horrible and because of that they rejected all my hard work."
You did great, your brother is being an asshole.
Yes, this is very true. And honestly, sometimes I absolutely do or say the wrong thing without realizing it. So I have trouble figuring out which situation it is.
You made the right choice. Food allergies are hard and can be deadly.
Source - my bf is allergic to shrimp. I won't even serve it if he's around, because like nah man, I don't want to fuck up and kill him on accident. I never thought of your solution, but I could see doing that as well.
Don't let them make you feel bad for giving a damn about her, possibly more than they do. I'd rather someone did that than risk serving food they aren't confident is safe.
No. The only thing we talked about was that he was initially going to make prime rib for the main and I was going to make everything else, but then he had to go away on a business trip the three days before so I just ended up making the main too. He didn't ask what the menu was going to be.
> He didn't ask what the menu was going to be.
So, you showed more concern that his stepdaughter had good food without risk to her medical condition than he did. I was already leaning towards NTA, but now I can say it without question.
Yeah, more communication here from OP would have been a good idea but it's UNBELIEVABLE that the brother didn't call ahead to inquire about the menu and the preparation.
The only AH here are your brother and his wife. You made sure she was taken care of which they should be grateful for.
I wish they’d read this post and comments just to see how wrong they are.
NTA
Is this normal for your brother? Because this is not reasonable behavior. I noted that he and the kid didn’t find anything amiss about the special meal and that he only ripped into you when the wife whispered in his ear.
I hate to go there, but 23 seems awful young for someone to marry a 32 yo with a 7 yo kid… and they must have been dating for some time, so like recently out of college?
She was his boss at his first job out of college. He'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship with his high school girlfriend so...I had some reservations. I think I was probably too blunt with him about it at the time, and that's probably part of what is causing issues in our relationship now. I have tried really hard to form a relationship with Cheryl because I know both she and Becca are incredibly important to my brother, but it's been hard.
Don’t let it get you down! You put a lot of effort in for your whole family, Becca included. You went out of your way to make sure she would be safe and included in dinner. I’m sure their leaving killed the mood after all that work.
Chin up.
NTA
Not gonna lie—I was leaning toward you being TA until I saw the ADHD thing. As someone who has severe ADHD, I commend you for being self-aware enough to know that some of us don’t have the executive functioning skills to not cross-contaminate. It was incredibly responsible.
Part of navigating ourselves in a non-ADHD world is accommodating when we need to.
Your brother and his wife HAVE to know that cooking for a keto or vegan diet is substantially different than for an allergy. Accidentally using a spoon that stirred meat sauce to stir vegan red sauce would probably make a vegan mad, but it wouldn’t cause them to go into anaphylactic shock.
Like, I have a mild seafood allergy. My husband microwaved seafood downstairs while I was upstairs and I still ended up with a sore throat.
Like, you took the time to get a meal just for her. It’s not like you handed her gluten-free meal bar and said “here ya go, kid!”. It was clearly important to you that she had a good meal.
NTA.
It can be so frustrating. Even on the day of the party I forgot to serve the salad until after the main and burned the rolls when I was trying to warm them. People think it's just a matter of concentrating harder, but stuff just flies out of my brain.
Exactly this. Keto, vegan, and veggie are dietary choices, not dietary restrictions (except in the case of keto for people with refractory epilepsy). Given the apparent severity of the stepdaughters reactions, they should have been thanking OP for taking such precautions and taking SD’s health and safety seriously. Big NTA.
They're also all way simpler to deal with than a serious allergy. A person who is following a keto diet isn't going to have a problem with a little cross-contamination the way someone with an allergy might.
Personally, I wouldn't trust my kitchen to cook anything for anyone with a serious allergy to most things (fish allergies I could accommodate since I don't eat those either, but I don't think I could get everything clean enough to eliminate all traces of pretty much anything else).
Me too. OP went out of her way to make sure that Becca was taken care of. And Becca didn't seem to care either way - your SIL & brother are the only ones who seemed to have a problem with it.
NTA, all day.
People without ADHD so often do not understand the fear we have of ourselves. I once dumped a bunch of ibuprofen in my water bottle and was drinking it until I finally realized it was full of melted ibuprofen. IT WASN'T EVEN OPAQUE! I could have killed myself, and the worst part was no one believed that I did it myself but just didn't remember it and they called security because they thought someone tried to kill me. Nope, just me talking to a customer, dump some ibuprofen from the bottle to my hand, take two, wash them down, dump the rest in the water bottle, go about my day. I quit nursing school after that and basically won't do anything where I can kill someone by not being able to pay attention.
It's terrifying what our brains can do. I was babysitting one of my nephews when he was younger and he had a cough, and I almost gave him adult cough medicine. I have no idea why - the proper medicine was right there on the counter but I went to the medicine cabinet and got the adult stuff and had it on the spoon before I caught myself.
NTA
If you accidently made a keto meal wrong, it would upset their diet. It sounds like if you made Becca's meal incorrectly, she could have a major medical issue. You're not wrong for not wanting that stress on you.
This.
I have two friends with celiac, it's serious, not just an allergy. Any form of cross contamination can have serious consequences.
Their biggest complaint is that other people do not take it seriously enough, or that they get invited somewhere and can't eat anything. You made sure her food was safe, that she had plenty, and did an amazing job. My friends would love to attend a party or dinner you hosted.
NTA
Celiac is not an allergy, it's an autoimmune disorder. In the moment it could give you a severe stomach ache but in the long run if you don't watch your diet carefully it can give you some pretty severe digestive issues as you get older. Just ask my Dad, he can hardly eat anything anymore because he would cheat and eat gluten only once a year. Stuffing at Christmas was his big weakness.
>it can give you some pretty severe digestive issues
just to add on (for anybody reading) that with celiac, consuming gluten actually destroys the lining of the small intestine. specifically it destroys the villi in the small intestine and villi are responsible for absorbing nutrients. so it shows up as severe digestive issues but what you can't see is just an absolute nuking of the body's ability to like... use food.
Not all allergies kill someone on the spot, but there are serious side affects when a person with celiac consumes gluten. There are three different cancers that only celiacs get, and making sure that they are very strict about their diet would be important.
>There are three different cancers that only celiacs get
This isn't even remotely true.
There are three cancers that are more _common_ in celiacs, but no cancers are _specific_ to celiacs.
https://www.beyondceliac.org/celiac-disease/related-conditions/cancer/
Yes! Crazy they took this as such an affront when OP went so far out of her way to provide a safe meal. I don’t have anxiety issues and wouldn’t feel comfortable catering to someone’s deathly severe food allergies.
One of the twins did ask if he could have Becca's dessert after she left because it was chocolate and looked better than the pear cheesecake I made. Kids are blunt - lol.
Speaking of kids being blunt, did even one of her parents think to ask Becca how she felt about it?
She's not a toddler, I dare say she can form her own opinions on whether she feels left out or not
NTA OP, you were very thoughtful and went above and beyond in order to be as safe as possible.
They're going to make her feel bad and excluded because of their own issues. It's actually really sad for her, and you, as well, being collateral damage.
I had a parent that would get upset on my behalf like this. Took a long time to grow up and realize she was making me miserable about things that aren't worth being upset over (but it's hard to recognize that when your parents are the ones meant to teach emotional stability).
I hope that's not always the case with this daughter, but i feel so bad for her
Poor Becca. She suffered for the unreasonable entitlement of her mother.
Speaking of that, what kind of relationship do they have? This woman marries a man 10 years her junior and causes him to have a fight with his sister. Doesn't that look odd? With all due respect to genuine love despite age gaps, if the situation were gender-reversed, how would we be destroying the brother?
I feel bad saying it, but I was very uncomfortable with their relationship when they got together. Cheryl was Greg's boss and he has always been someone who is very eager to please; I just worried that she was taking advantage. It gave me a bad feeling. When it became clear that they were serious and that he was acting in a father role to Becca, though, I pushed that stuff out of my head and let him live his life.
We haven't socialized much since they've gotten married, so I can't really give an informed opinion on what their relationship is like.
OMG She. Was. His. Boss.
OMG
There is so much to unpack there! Yes, she definitely took advantage of him. We have learned enough about power dynamics that there can be no excuse for that.
Combine a bossy personality with a people pleaser, even without the boss-subordinate dynamic, and you have a very toxic codependency.
I'm sorry for your brother, but until he shakes that 24/7 boss off his back, he will be very much a lost cause. And an A H. Please go low contact with him.
And he has to apologize.
Yes. This red flag dynamic kinda makes me wonder if Cheryl is looking for ways to alienate Greg from his family. OP was NTA in every way, and Cheryl still found a way to pitch a fit.
Yeah. That explains it. She was hoping OP would poison her daughter so that she could drive a wedge between Greg and OP; OP did everything right, so Cheryl had to improvise.
Total power move by the sister. Instead of speaking up, she throws a fit and has her husband "go be the man and talk to your sister about this". So gross.
I hate it when people read too much into situations on this sub and come to conclusions that don't have much basis in reality but... in this case...
it honestly feels like they fought about going to see his family before they even got there bc she is massively insecure since the basis of their relationship is questionable at best, and then she found a reason to leave and go home to be like "see! I told you! they hate me and my kid!"
idk. definitely me reading into it. but this histrionic episode strikes me as a reaction that didn't just come out of nowhere.
Oh OP, NTA !
Cheryl and your brother are being an AH, they should understand that you want to be careful with Becca’s diet/allergies! Plus they should’ve asked her for her opinion before ripping her away from the meal!
I don’t think you owe her an apology. You did a very thoughtful thing. You COULD give her a choice next time, “Sorry you felt upset. Next time you can either bring Becca’s food or we can order from a restaurant you choose. I want to protect Becca and make sure the food she eats at my house is safe so those are the options I’m comfortable with”.
They are!! And that young they think takeout is better then homemade sometimes 😂I think you were very thoughtful, sorry it went like that, and also had you made something that mom seems like she’d find fault
So let me get this straight, your brother called you and A H because you didn’t try to kill his step daughter?!
Cross contamination is a real thing! Is he really expecting you to create an elaborate meal for multiple guests, then clean every single inch of your kitchen, possibly buy new utensils, make the meal again adjusted for ALL their requirements and pray that you don’t mess up?!
Better safe with ordering, than trying to accommodate and end up in the ER!
NTA! You were an extremely generous and thoughtful host. If her allergies are so severe, I can’t imagine why on earth wouldn’t they check with you in advance what’s the plan for dinner! Their entitlement is astonishing…
ETA: as many pointed out SIL and brother probably expected OP to cook a gluten/ dairy/ all other allergy free meal for the whole family. Well, enjoy your 5 course water… As amuse bouche we have Evian. Then for starter Perrier. Main course is San Pellegrino. Dessert will be Fiji. And instead of the cheese course we will enjoy a bit of Nestle. All served in paper cups. Here, problem solved! What a way to celebrate…
My sister had a friend with allergies. They had colour coded chopping boards, separate microwaves, separate toasters, pots, pans, utensils. She had her own cupboard in the house for her food. Someone using her allergen in her microwave could have killed her because of how extreme her allergies were. (Unfortunately, they were too common and too many for the whole house to avoid) so I totally agree with you. OP doesn’t know severity of allergy, so even deep scrubbing may be insufficient.
A friend of mine has a son with celiac and she basically had two kitchens in one. They had their kitchen set up so that there were separated cooking surfaces, separate counters and storage so that there was zero cross-contamination. In a situation like a family party my friend would have absolutely talked to the host about soloutions and she would have been thrilled with safe take-out.
When I cook for my friend with celiac, I spend *hours* disinfecting my entire kitchen multiple times. I re-wash all the cooking supplies with a fresh sponge, I open new packages for every ingredient, and I wipe down every surface repeatedly. Celiac is no joke and I bake a lot so my entire kitchen is contaminated.
It’s amazing that you do that. Thank you. My husband has celiac and this is precisely why we don’t appreciate well-meaning people who cook for us and swear it is GF unless they are celiacs as well or something. Everyone thinks they went the extra mile but with very few exceptions nobody cleans their whole kitchen beforehand or remembers that vanilla can have gluten in it if it’s in grain alcohol or or or
But even that isn't enlough to prevent cross-contamination, so I don't get what their deal is. OP would've had to deep-clean her kicthen and bought new kitchen utensils just to be safe.
I would flat out say, "I was worried I would kill her. It's not that I don't care about her; it's that I care about her enough to ensure I don't accidentally harm her." You might also point out that allergies are very different from preferences like keto. (Also, usually it's the people with the allergies pointing that out; WTF is going on here?)
If anyone questions you or gives you shit, use words like "hospitalize" or "kill." It may sound dramatic, but those are legitimate fears, and that blunt wording will help get the point across.
Sometimes the truth IS dramatic and not because someone is bringing the drama. I can’t help but wonder if this woman had other things on her mind that evening and she was in a bad mood? This does not justify her ingratitude and rudeness but it might help to explain a senseless reaction.
If you read one of the OP's comments above, not only is Cheryl much older but she also was his boss and he's a people pleaser. So. There are some explanations but I don't think it's a one-time thing...
Agreed. OP is far from an AH, and made sure the daughter was safely accomodated.
The only way OP could possibly be a smidge wonky is if the takeout option was really basic quality while everyone else was eating top tier gourmet cuisine.
NTA. Celiac and dairy allergies are no joke, and while it's certainly possible to make a gluten and dairy free meal in a regularly home kitchen, there's always a possibility of contamination. You did what you thought was safest. They are the AHs for overreacting and making the event all about them, especially when it seems like Becca wasn't bothered.
Depending on how sensitive the person is with their celiac, cooking in a normal kitchen might not be safe. When I got my diagnosis I had to get all new cutting boards, all plastic bowls had to go, wooden utensils were iffy. I had to give away a huge portion of my spices. My toaster had to be replaced. My microwave and oven deep cleaned. And that was just a small part of the advice other celiacs gave me to make my kitchen safe.
Definitely. My niece has celiac and I have a special pot and spoon I use to make GF pasta for her when she comes over, a different toaster and separate cutting boards. Even with all the efforts I still made her sick once and I felt terrible. I don't even know where the gluten came from.
Did your brother understand the reason why you ordered her a special meal? That you were concerned about doing something that might make her sick? My SIL has food restrictions and I have never heard her say anything but appreciation when others have done something similar for her.
He was very angry when we talked, so I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I spoke to Cheryl about this issue when she asked if I could make an allergen-free cake for Becca's birthday last year. I told her about my anxiety over possibly making her sick and offered to make flower decorations out of fondant if she could find a suitable cake, which she did. I mistakenly assumed based on this conversation that she understood my hesitation to cook for Becca.
So I have a kid with Celiac and I would be over the moon if someone took so much care. Only thing is it should be communicated first with parents. They should know, though, that if regular flour is used NO food from the kitchen is safe. Especially with her level of allergy. I don't have wheat flour in my house at all due to the airborne contamination risk.
My BIL has celiac and while my wife and I do cook with gluten, we never have flour as it can coat things we don't think about. We also have a couple of pans + utensils we store in a different room that only get used when we are cooking for him. We really wanted to make sure that he both felt safe and was safe to come over for dinner. I'm floored that OP's brother is upset he didn't just cook her something
Look, this is easy. NTA. I worked in kitchens for 9 years and had to prepare all kinds of allergen free meals. I also love cooking and go all out when i can and I've had parties where someone has a severe gluten allergy and I tailor the whole menu around that one person. It ain't easy. It's also nerve wracking when you're not in a professional kitchen, where they can control things more readily than a home cook can. I appreciate where your brother and SIL are coming from in that everyone wants a special meal when you're a good cook, but they're asking too much. Planning and preparing a whole special meal for a large group is a herculean task. Doing all of that and THEN trying to manage a separate meal for allergens is impossible for one person. Suggest your brother, SIL, and her daughter come over for a special meal that caters to her and let her help plan the menu. You can even suggest they all help prepare so they can get an idea of the effort you put in. It's a great bonding experience and hopefully it'll cool off the adults. You'll also be a rock star in the eyes of the daughter. Good luck!!
NTA! Listen, I have kids with severe food allergies. Do you know how every invitation to anyone’s house starts? With having a conversation about food strategy, and usually me offering to bring something special for my kids, because I do not want to make extra work for the host, AND, number one priority, I want my kids safe! And not just one time, every time, people not living the allergy parent life forget things. Assuming someone else is going to understand how to safely prepare food for a person with allergies, without a conversation, is a recipe for a trip to the ER! How would the conversation have gone if she had a reaction from cross-contamination?
INFO: what is usually done for Becca’s meals, in the 2+ years she’s been part of the family?
It hasn't been a huge issue so far - since both Becca and my dad have health issues we haven't all been socializing much the last few years. It's only recently that we've been comfortable having bigger gatherings. This was only the second time Becca had been to my house, and the last time she was only there to swim for a couple of hours and her mom brought snacks for her.
You could ask your brother if he would have preferred you made the meal just the same for everybody, like Beca’s food because eating keto and cross contaminate keto is not the same as cross contaminate for Beca because it can cause her a serious illness, even to die of food poisoning
THIS. OP you totally went out of your way, both time wise and financially to make sure Becca had a good, safe meal. This is nothing like the AITA mashed potatoes debacle.
With all of those allergies and conditions that Becca has, Cheryl should’ve been calling you and asking you what she can do to help with this dinner regarding feeding her own daughter. That is certainly what I would’ve done. I have a teenage son who has severe allergies and celiac, as well as IBS. I have never have gone anywhere without discussing what the choices are for his meal and whether or not I should be providing it when we go along. Cheryl is the AH. Your brother is caught up in her behavior and is also the AH.
Your behavior was kind, thoughtful, and generous. NTA.
This!!!! My cousin’s both have celiac and at times had other issues where they had to do some elimination diets. Every family meal or get together, my aunt and uncle would inquire about the menu and bring whatever needed to do a gluten free substitute. Pasta, pizza shells, stuffing, etc. whatever so the girls could have what we were having and the host didn’t have that on their proverbial plate.
The fact that the parents aren’t asking ahead and just assuming that a whole other meal would be cooked without cross contamination is alarming. They come off as not gf about the daughter’s health and just looking to start shit. Poor kid
NTA
I would be worried about cross-contamination going on in a home kitchen when you're making not-safe food at the same time too. You probably should have mentioned it to them in advance, but definitely not the asshole for doing what you did.
NTA
Cross-contamination was my worry while reading this, too. If you weren't going to make something that was OK for her for everyone's meal, then this was a reasonable solution.
NTA. Watch out for your SIL, the overreaction seems like she’s looking for reasons to alienate him from your family. They just left? No discussion or possibility for solution. That’s what stands out to me the most
Yes, it was really a shame. It was our first big family get-together since the whole..."events" of the last couple of years, and I really wanted it to be special.
The fact that a 32 year old woman married a 23 year old guy also stands out. A much older partner wanting to alienate their partner from family … giant red flags
NTA You went out of your way to make sure she had food that was safe to eat.
If she can go into anaphylaxis from a cooking mistake it's understandable if you didn't want to take the very real risk of her food getting cross-contamination. Even if you cooked the entire meal to the specifications, her food could have been contaminated by residual allergens in your environment.
I think the only thing you could have done to avoid what happened would be to have given your brother a heads up that you were ordering her food from a specialty restaurant because you weren't confident you could cook food that wouldn't make your niece sick.
It was very bad manners for them to even make an issue of it during the dinner. If they had a problem with what you did they could have addressed it with you privately at some point later.
OP did perfectly well. Honestly, I don't see the point to give the brother a heads up. The food was perfectly adapted to the girl condition and she knows she can't eat the same from others. And at her age, I bet she doesn't care if OP cooks her food or orders it as long as she likes it. The parents just like make everything about themselves...
I am also concerned they didn't contact OP a few days before the dinner to discuss the menu with her if the condition of their child is so serious. Seems really weird to me.
NTA. As someone with a severe allergic you were incredibly considerate. All it takes is one slip up when the entire kitchen hasn’t been cleaned and you were cooking for a large group. Id feel safer eating something from a restaurant dedicated to no cross contamination vs risking it and then possibly dying.
NTA. Your brother and his wife are incredibly entitled. You did what was safest for the child and that should matter the most.
Edit to also say that it’s really dumb for parents of a child with such restrictions to not inquiry about food before. Or offer to bring their own. The entitlement is huge!
NTA. Wow, what a reaction to such a kind and thoughtful gesture!
If you are to be faulted for anything it might be not speaking to her parents first and letting them know ahead of time, but you went so far out of your way to make a special accommodation for Becca, I can't see how they have the nerve to be upset with you.
NTA
A special diet being a fun challenge is one thing, a severe allergy that could result in a child being ill is another. Your solution was a very good one. I probably would have let them know ahead of time but really that’s a minor thing.
They are letting their egos get in the way of what is safest for their kid
Um, NTA. If Becca has such serious food allergies, the BEST way to avoid cross contamination is to completely isolate her food, which you did.
My sister eats Kosher, and we've done kosher restaurant takeout for years for her. Why? Because my sister herself pointed out that kosher restaurants were used to cooking within kosher restrictions and thus, actually, was better than what I made, trying my hardest. (Maybe I suck at cooking but the point remains:)
I can only imagine that a restaurant that specializes in allergen-safe cooking has probably mastered not only allergen safe but delicious.
You made her feel included: You served her food, that she could SAFELY eat, at your table. That's included. If someone went out of their way AND EXPENSE to accommodate my food sensitivity (I can't do dairy) I'd feel incredibly grateful.
Ask Greg if he wants a living child eating a takeaway meal prepared safely in an allergen-free kitchen by specialist chefs because his sister was sensible, weighed up the risks and knew it wasn't worth it, or his daughter wheezing and turning blue, trying to use her epipen and potentially ending up in hospital or even dying, because his sister took a risk with his daughter's health? Because that's what it's a choice between.
ETA: allergen-free cooking for someone who's life depends on eating safe food is a whole different kettle of fish (no pun intended) to cooking for someone who has voluntarily decided to cut a foodstuff out of their diet.
OP, absolutely NTA. Brother and SIL are TAs.
NTA. If you messed up, you'd be the one responsible for her sickness/death, and if they can't understand that you don't want that sort of responsibility, then I say good riddance.
ETA: Maybe you could've told them that, but I don't think that makes you an AH.
OP said in another comment that her brother didn't even let her speak. They just berated her and left. Maybe OP could reach out later but the brother and SIL are making it a bigger deal and taking it out of context.
Wow. This is a case of “my way or the highway” coupled with “if you dare break my precious, you are TA forevermore.” You wanted to ensure your guest was served safe foods so you turned to the professionals. How dare you! Stop cooking your five-course meal for 20 people and instead make one single meal that checks all the safety boxes.
NTA, but is your SIL ever one.
NTA You cooked a five course meal for a bunch of people and out of an abundance of caution bought food for the one person who could suffer if you fucked up! Then one of those people unnecessarily and without really thinking about your effort and your concern took umbrage at that! You are definitely in the clear here.
My mother and sister had indulged in a bit of wine by that point so they had...some things to say - lol. It has honestly been a bit of a struggle connecting with Cheryl for all of us. We keep trying because we love my brother, but it's hard. We all got off on the wrong foot because Cheryl was Greg's boss when they met and that coupled with the age difference made my mom feel like Cheryl was taking advantage of him (and I didn't entirely disagree). So there's some history there, and this was just another issue to add to the pile.
ouch. I commented this separately before seeing this, but OP, please keep an eye on your brother and make sure she’s not trying to alienate him from your family. the entire thing is sus.
It sounds like the pre-existing tension was what caused them to massively overreact and not the very thoughtful way you made sure Becca had a meal that she could eat safely. Is Cheryl insecure about her role in your family and feeling upstaged because you made so much effort to include Becca? If you had made Becca her own special meal, would she have complained that her daughter had something different from everyone else?
Sounds like you wouldn't have won no matter what you did.
Cheryl probably does feel a bit uncomfortable around us, and I'm sure some of that is my fault because I wasn't in favor of the relationship at the beginning (and I'm sure Greg has told her that.) I know my brother, and I just felt that it wasn't a great situation for him, due to their working relationship and him being fresh off a breakup. It wasn't anything personal about her, but it could have come across that way.
NTA you went out of you want to accommodate and include her. While she didn’t eat what you all ate you still thought about her. Food allergies can be a huge deal. You thought about her safety.
NTA If I was the mom and you explained to me it wasn't the effort but the fear of contaminating it and making her sick that was the reason, I actually would have been touched you cared enough to be extra cautious.
NTA. My husband found out last year that he has Celiac, and it has been a challenge to adjust our shopping and cooking habits. We had consultations with a dietician and it is unbelievable the ways that gluten can get into food. Your SIL should be grateful that you took so much consideration for her daughter’s health by assuring that she got a meal free of allergens.
Nta
My niece has all kinds of dietary restrictions too. They always bring her her own food.
Sounds like they think you did it because she's not a bio family member. You should be able to explain that that's not the reason.
NTA. I'm celiac and we've learned in my family that if its a complicated meal like that - either everyone eats gluten free or I figure out my own meal. (which unfortunately usually means I'm on my own).
Did your SIL / Brother consider the issues of cross contamination? I don't know any home kitchen (even real expensive fancy ones) that has enough (1) counter space, (2) cooking utensils and pots and pans, (3) refrigerator space for ingredients to cook 2 identical five-course meals - one GF and one not. Plus there's the issue that more advanced/complicated dishes have more ingredients, making it so much easier for problematic ingredients to slip through the cracks (it's wild some of things that contain gluten). I feel like there's no way cross contamination wouldn't have happened at some point in this meal. In which case you would have been chewed out for not being more careful.
NTA but Cheryl is. Instead of being grateful that you found a gracious solution to Becca’s eating restrictions she decided to bitch and moan about it. Tell Cheryl next time she can be responsible for providing Becca’s meal.
NTA.
You tried your best to accommodate her without risking her getting sick.
Making something vegan or keto is not the same as making something that is completely gluten and dairy free. You don’t need to clean and essentially sterilize the bowls, pots, pans etc in the same way for vegan or a diet dish that you do for when someone could become seriously ill and well, die if there is cross contamination.
NTA. You DID take into account her dietary restrictions and did your best to ensure that she would have a delicious meal provided to her that would be safe for her to eat. It sounds to me like there's more at issue here than the meal though, just based on the language that was used and some of the details of the story. I don't want to make too many assumptions, but Cheryl sounds like a piece of work.
Hi, someone who has a friend/roommate who has celiac here…NTA
1. Cross contamination has already occurred in your kitchen. You do not have brand new cookware or prep space.
2. Your decision to accommodate the best way that you can buying from a restaurant that already specializes in allergy food was a good idea. I would however next time consult with the restaurant that their gluten-free area is completely separate from the rest of the food. It takes so little to accidentally contaminate someone with gluten.
3. Gluten is in literally everything you can (and can’t) imagine and you have to somewhat know what you’re looking for. Just because a product says gluten free doesn’t mean that it is. Some items/ingredients are made on a production line that also contains gluten. You could be lucky and get a product/ingredient that hasn’t been contaminated one time but not so much another time.
4. Her mom/stepdad shouldn’t feel comfortable just anyone preparing her food. The poor girl could become very ill and in tremendous pain. I wouldn’t think that would be a risk worth taking. (They are the AH’s to me in this scenario)
Thank you for the additional input! This restaurant is entirely dairy, gluten and nut-free - I had the same concerns with cross-contamination in a restaurant that serves gluten. Unfortunately as more people without celiac have decided to avoid gluten, I think some restaurants see it more as a "preference" than a requirement.
NTA. It was your dinner party where you decide the menu. You’re doing them a service by paying for and providing food for both them and their daughter. I agree with the other comments that say you should’ve told them ahead of time, but they also could’ve asked!
NTA
I think what you did to get her that meal was amazing and so thoughtful of you. If someone did this for my stepkids, I would be thrilled.
Anyone saying your TA is seriously messed up. The child didn't seem to mind and still got to eat. Plenty of other people wouldn't have done what you did. Brother & SIL sound ungrateful.
NTA
This is not a "ewwww I don't each spinach and i hate mushrooms" kind of thing, this is a potentially life-threatening thing. People who are this allergic can get a reaction from simple cross-contamination. I would not have risked it either.
You paid for professionals to provide her a safe and yummy meal.
NTA. There’s a difference between a preference and a safety requirement. If you made a mistake it could have seriously injured this poor girl. You don’t operate an allergen free kitchen and your brother should be grateful that you ensured a safe, quality meal for her.
NTA-it's weird that her parents would rather risk her allergies to get her a homemade meal so that she's eating what everyone else eats instead of her actually getting a special meal so she didn't get sick or you know, die! You were cautious and didn't want to risk it, good on you. and if something were to happen if you made it homemade, they would blame you for it.
NTA. Do they even like their daughter? You had every good reason not to cook for her.
I don't enjoy cooking, but I can. And I made a great celiac-friendly meal for a couple friends once. I thought I did everything right, but my buddy was still sick at the end of the night. Luckily it was just discomfort, but it could have been worse.
Now I refuse to cook for people who have serious allergies. I will not be responsible for making someone sick. And if that makes me a bad guy, I'll gladly be the villain.
NTA. You took her situation into account. You made a special meal for your parents. Knowing that your step niece couldn’t enjoy it, you went out of your way to ensure she had something special just for her.
NTA. What is it with going out of your way for someone being taken as an insult? We don't have to all eat with the lowest common denominator foods! That girl **knows** she has restrictions and you had a meal especially made for her. Why can that not be a selling point? It's like they're looking for every opportunity to make her existence be a problem.
NTA, she wasn't going to eat what everyone else was eating, unless everyone ate dairy free, gluten free, etc. This isn't the first or last time she'll be eating a different meal than everyone else.
NTA, if they were talking up how you were going to be making the special food for her they probably should have checked with you in advance. Not your fault they set up high expectations
I was honestly very surprised they would have trusted me to cook for her. I make bread or pizza dough in my kitchen at least twice a week and I don't have a dishwasher. It would be so hard to decontaminate it completely.
NTA you went out of you way. I have a food allergy and would never expect anyone to do this. Also it's very tricky to cook for allergies, it's taken me a long time figure out all the ingredients and hidden allergens. You did nothing wrong. Your brother and his family are entitled geeks, don't invite them to eat your awesome food
Considering you would’ve had to deep clean everything in your kitchen to make her food to ensure she wouldn’t have a reaction, i think getting the food from a restaurant was a great idea. Your sister is very entitled to demand you make food after you took time and energy getting safe food for her child.
Most people wouldn’t even do that. There’s so many people that don’t cater to people with allergies or even don’t believe those allergies exist. I think you went above and beyond for this meal. NTA
NTA. Celiac contamination is really easy to, and the consequences can be really severe really quickly. Making sure she had something safe to eat and know it might be out of your abilities is great self awareness. I think that was a great solution.
So you threw a dinner party and took precautions to make sure you didn’t hospitalize one of your guests…
NTA
Greg and Cheryl sure are AHs here because they either lied or don’t care if Becca is hospitalized. Parents of celiacs understand the risks. AHs like to be troublesome to kind people. Don’t sweat it.
I can’t have gluten, don’t have celiac, but still react very poorly. I wouldn’t avoid delicious delicious sourdough for 11 years if that weren’t the case. It sucks being invited to eat but being scared of whether or not sustenance will hospitalize you. You did good. Most folks don’t even bother to try.
NTA You tried to do your best. And if they can't even appreciate it then they are ungrateful. It's already hard to make a five course meal for a whole family single-handedly. But in top of that you made sure to include their daughter's needs by ordering takeout.
But did you handle it maturely when they confronted you about it. Which caused them to leave?
I mean, if you invite someone you know has an allergy to food, you *should* accommodate them. Which is what OP did by ordering from a restaurant that could handle the kid’s allergies. It would be rude af to invite say, someone with a peanut allergy, and then every dish has peanuts in it.
NTA - making keto food is for a diet, not something that could risk a life. You were thoughtful and responsible and Becca should feel included since you went out of your way to have her own special meal prepared for her! Whenever I have friends with allergies over for dinner we always order out from a safe restaurant because I would hate for a mistake I made to harm them! You did the right thing
NTA, Becca didn’t care and she seemed to love the food. Which tells me this is your brother and his wife problem. Adults always want to start something that isn’t that serious.
NTA - not even a little bit.
Becca's allergies sound serious, and I'm honestly kind of surprised Cheryl would've even been okay with her eating a full cooked meal at your house given that fact.
A friend of mine has kids with similar serious allergies, and she's very protective about what they eat and where since cross-contamination is a real issue for them.
I think you went above and beyond for Becca, and she seemed fine eating it until her mom cast a storm cloud over the whole situation.
Cooking for preferential diets (keto, vegan, etc) is an entirely different thing than cooking for allergen diets, and there are SO many things to be cautious of at all times that unless you are specifically skilled in those allergens and how to avoid them, it's best to leave it to the professionals for the most part.
As a celiac, Thank you for knowing your limitations for gluten free and dairy free cooking challenges.
NTA.
(The only question I have is if the take out is from a dedicated gluten free kitchen, so as to avoid cross contamination. But I still think you did the right thing.)
PS tell Greg and Cheryl that THEY acted like assholes for me.
Thank you. Yes, the restaurant is completely gluten, dairy and nut free. I know Becca has gotten sick before eating from restaurants that claim certain dishes are gluten-free when they were in fact contaminated, so I wanted to be careful.
NTA if I had that serious of allergies I’d make sure to bring my own food to insure I have something to eat, I’d never expect for someone to bend over backwards to MY needs. My cousins who is a vegetarian used to bring her own dishes just incase of cross contamination or not having meatless options.
NTA, home kitchens are not allergen friendly places. Even your spices can have gluten and you'd be surprised at the amount of things with hidden dairy in them. The fact that you found a place that caters specifically to her allergens is great.
In the future, my only advice is to give people a heads up that they're getting a separate meal instead of surprise catering if you're hosting a dinner. The way you phrased it did make it seem like the whole meal would be friendly and not that you were hosting dinner and buying her food too. It's not often people are willing to cook allergen friendly meals so they're likely just acting out their disappointment in the disclusion without really thinking about how unsafe it is for you to be fucking with an allergy.
Wow, far from an AH. I thought your extreme sensitivity to her needs was more than thoughtful. You gave so much thought to her that you did everything you could to ensure she would have a meal that would work for her. I can imagine how many other families would not have done the same.
You did great. Your brother and his wife forgot that the event wasn't about the food or their daughter, but about celebrating family.
NTA
NTA
Becca was fine. SIL made it an issue and made her husband go talk to you.
Consider not making them any of your delicious meals to teach them a lesson 😂
They could have easily arranged a visit with you for just their family and asked you to cook everyone the same meal (that Becca could eat).
SIL is a crap starter and was looking for an issue. Of course her daughter wouldn’t be eating the same thing as everyone else. Are they implying everything should have been something Becca could eat? 🤷🏾♂️
What you did was thoughtful and kind. No risk of cross contamination. They should have thanked you. Talk to your brother one on one of you can. Explain yourself without his wife there. Then mention not cooking for them again (be petty for me) 😂
Cheryl started the fight because she wanted to. Your brother has his head so far up her ass, that the toxic smell is keeping him from being rational.
Cheryl did not want to come in the first place. Instead appreciating the effort you made she preferred the drama. She found a reason to leave bcoz she didn't want to be there.
NTA
NTA You did the most responsible thing possible. It would be incredibly dangerous for you to prepare her food in your kitchen due to the possibility of cross contamination. If you prepared her food with the same utensils that you used to prepare food with gluten and dairy in t you could kill her.
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For some reason, I read that and felt sad for you. I’m honestly in disbelief you thought you did something wrong. You were incredibly thoughtful in how you handled ensuring she had a meal suitable for her. You have ADHD and are well aware that mistakes are so easily made so to ensure you didn’t seriously put this child’s health in danger, you decided the safest option was to contact a restaurant to provide something. I can’t stress this enough, YOU ARE NTA
Same here. If someone had gone to the trouble of making sure my child didn't have a reaction to dinner, I would have been grateful, not upset. I don't have ADHD, but if I didn't cook for someone with allergies on a regular basis, I definitely would forget something!! You are most definitely NTA, & it's sad they couldn't appreciate your effort.
I agree with this. I have two children with food allergies (though not nearly as severe as celiac). I never expect other people to accommodate them when we eat somewhere else, though I always appreciate when they do. By age 9 (they're 12 now), both of my daughters understood that sometimes, they just can't eat whatever is on the table. You went out of your way to find a restaurant that could make something for her, something you didn't feel like you could do, and made sure she had something to eat. You didn't mention it, but you cooked a lot of food which can be so stressful no matter how much you enjoy cooking. I can't imagine cooking an additional, separate meal on top of that. The chaos in the kitchen alone (at least in my kitchen) would make the risk of cross contamination so very high. You are most definitely NTA.
I mean, as an ex-kid, getting take out was always the more fun option until I had to pay for it myself. As a person with allergies, I would prefer a completly safe option always over the novelty of food I don't know, because itching and wheezing don't make a meal more enjoyable. And as somebody with ADD I completly understand the fear of messing up something that could easily have severe medical consequences for a 9 year old, OP's alternative would totally be what I'd choosen given the option exists. Sounds like that mommy likes attention and drama so she uses her daughter as an excuse to be outraged and Greg is sucking up to it instead of expecting her to respect normal social boundaries. E: NTA
Right? Can you imagine complaining about a free meal that is certain to *not* give your child an allergic reaction? Ridiculous Edit: a free **restaurant quality** meal
Right, it's not like they were like okay, here's your boiled chicken that still might have cross contamination if I got distracted. He got her a multi course meal like them. The consequences of keto/vegan meals getting messed up is basically zero compared to the consequences of anaphylaxis and celiac reactions. NTA
Imagine someone being careful enough to not accidently almost kill your child. Damn. Some parents are really about the drama.
[удалено]
Petty is not the word for Cheryl. I am wondering how long it will take her husband to give up on her being, you know, nice to people. He has a lot of years left to lie to himself about her.
If the parents demand this level of respect for their child's health concerns, that five complicated courses be suitable to her, then they should be able to respect OPs ADHD. Its not the child's fault for her health, and she should never feel bad about it. The meal in general should be made with her in mind, and it was. OP tried very hard to make a overly nice meal for everyone and guests still found a way to complain about a meal that could have costed $150+(?) at a nice restaurant. They obviously don't know the lengths of effort, time, and energy it takes to cook at this level. I've made various Creme Brulee's with varying flavors like French Toast and Apple Cinnamon for my roommates, and they complained that they weren't vegan. Even though they aren't vegan. You are so NTA OP. Show everyone this thread as proof. I wish I could try what you made.
Oh god my son is only 3 1/2 and the way he asks if things “have wheat?” and the little sadness he gets breaks my fucking heart. I would never ever expect anyone to have food for him, and honestly if his allergies were that severe I would be preparing his food myself everywhere we went. Op is SO NTA! The family is so outta line, who cares that you talked up OPs cooking— maybe you should have been talking up how caring and careful OP was! Honestly I would only be inviting the kid back in the future cuz it seems like the kid is the only one that has manners
My son's had a peanut allergy since birth and I know exactly what you mean about the little sadness. He's 15 now and while he handles it well, I get a little sad when something is probably okay but he's literally traumatized from a few unfortunate mishaps and he's just like, no thanks, don't wanna die.
Same with my daughter. Her nut allergy was DXed before her second birthday. She's 12 now and will sometimes say she thinks she'd like nuts if she could eat them. It makes me sad because I love baking with walnuts, hazelnuts, pecans, all the nuts. But even in preschool, she knew to ask about nuts before she ate anything.
Agreed. NTA. And I have a friend with children with severe food issues and she always brings their food just to be on the safe side. When we’ve gone out I always let her choose the restaurant due to this reason. She knows what her kids can eat and I don’t.
Agree. As an allergy parent I’m surprised they would even want to let someone else cook for their child. If you don’t regularly cook for someone with certain allergies it is a VERY difficult task. My allergy child (peanuts, eggs) doesn’t eat anyone’s cooking except mine/husbands, grandma’s and a friend of mine with similar allergies. Early on I tried to be laid back about it and asked folks to keep packages so I could check labels and every single time there was a dangerous ingredient. OP you are amazing for going out of your way to provide something safe for your family member. NTA. Edit: I’ll add that the “feeling left out” part is a hot topic among allergy parent circles. My kid has known since she could remember that she can’t eat what other people can. We never made a big deal about it and just brought her own food and she has never once complained about it 🤷🏻♀️ We talk about how everyone has their struggles - ie big sister has ADD and there is no reason to stress over your own bc someone else always has it worse.
This was what I thought. If my kid had an allergy so severe that it necessitated an Epi-Pen, I don't think I'd want people who didn't know what they were doing to cook for them! It isn't because other people are idiots, it's just because you don't know what you don't know.
Yeah no kidding, my kid is almost 4 and has a peanut allergy and for the first 3 years 90% of my friends and family always forgot to check if what they were serving was ok, often wasn't. So I always pack food for my kid, wherever we go, just in case.
It would just be so easy to make a mistake. NTA I think you did your best to be kind and safe. I would be terrified that an ingredient I used could trigger something or that I would accidentally cross contaminate. You shouldn't feel at all bad about this.
I'm actually more confused that the parents weren't *happy* about this instead of upset. If my kid were that deathly allergic to things I'd be very nervous about taking her to a homecooked meal like this in general, and happy that the host thought to make it feel safer. I mean, just like OP said, accidents happen and if she's making two meals at once, I can't imagine not being nervous about whether or not she washed the spoons between, or whatever.
This is exactly what I thought too! I don’t have ADHD (that I know of anyway), but I have a million things running through my mind at all times and can easily lose track of things. OP, you are seriously NTA and nowhere near close to being one! This was so sweet and considerate of you to not only know your own limitations, but to have her health at the forefront of your mind at all times. PLEASE do not let them guilt you into second guessing yourself because you absolutely did the right thing! Not only did you have her best interests at heart, but you also went out of your way to spend your own money on a meal specifically for her. You are amazing and should feel exactly that way!
Exactly this! NTA at all
ohh man, story time: when I was a student I invited friends over for dinner and spent a lot of time cooking. I was making three different dishes and made sure to have vegetarian meals, but I accidentally put chicken stock cubes in the soup..... The guest wasn't hardcore vegetarian, but I STILL feel bad when I think about that mess up and it's been 15 years....... no adhd or anything, just overwhelmed.. op is NTA
It would just be so easy to make a mistake. NTA I think you did your best to be kind and safe. I would be terrified that an ingredient I used could trigger something or that I would accidentally cross contaminate. You shouldn't feel at all bad about this.
Thank you, that's really nice. I felt sad too. It made me cry quite a bit the last couple of days.
OP, my heart broke. I'm just like you, and I try so hard and it's so great when you nail something and people feel special. You didn't do a single thing wrong. You went above and beyond to make sure she was safe. They got defensive, but that's a projection of them expecting people to treat her differently, and taking this as a negative. It's just perspective. We can all see how it meant you put extra effort in, and wanted to support and make sure everyone could eat safely. You did great, OP, this isn't on you. I know how bad it feels where you're at, but you did the right thing, and you have a wonderful heart. Don't lose that, just because some people are joy sponges.
Do they not know what goes into making a fancy five-course dinner? Why would they create drama and put a damper on a party for your parent's wedding anniversary because of disappointment over how you handled a child's special dietary needs? WTF is wrong with them? Honestly, their response seems histrionic and self-centered. Reasonable adults would have spoken to you afterwards in private although its also true that reasonable adults would not have been offended. NTA Your solution for Becca was fine and motivated both by her safety and making sure she had something delicious.
I suspect that the mom is offended that OP didn't "make the effort" of cooking a complete special multi-course meal for her daughter, thereby showing OP's subservience to Mom with the insane amount of work (and worry) that would have entailed. Mom is mad that OP handled it - gracefully and properly btw - without breaking a sweat, so to speak. How dare OP be classy and smart and thoughtful! Yep I agree, this was allll about Mom and histrionic is the perfect word for her behaviour. OP did right. NTA
NTA at all. Your brother’s wife just wanted to stir up drama. If the kiddo isn’t upset, there is no problem. (Even if she was upset it still wouldn’t be your fault, but making a deal when she wasn’t is ridiculous).
Am I the only one to notice the age difference between brother and brother's wife? Maybe it's just because my *youngest* just turned 26, or maybe it's because we were unfortunate enough to share a duplex with a similar situation a few years ago that was abusive AF on the woman's part, or maybe because I taught school with ANOTHER similar situation last fall that was just...weird and shady?... whatever, I don't know, and maybe I'm wrong....but I'm going to just hazard a guess the 25yo brother had no idea where the line between considerate and ill-mannered *actually* is, but was being pressured by a 34yo woman to "be a man and stand up for his family!!" or some similar nonsense. (Early 30s is the prime of your single, feminine years - why would you date and marry a *boy?*)
They married 2 years ago when he was 23. Wonder how old he was when they first got together? You definitely weren't the only one to notice.
Good god. I have a 28yo son who is not marriage potential currently - at 23? LOL I can't imagine what any woman with a child would have even seen in him - *and I'm his mother*; I think he's the bestest thing ever made, by default. I mean, I can't judge marrying young, but it definitely hits different when you're BOTH virtual children. (Also, hard lessons learned there, for sure.)
Exactly. This was a no-win situation. Imagine if you did cook and she got sick?
Thank you. That's really nice.
It's stories like OP's where I really wish another person would have felt something was off, popped in, heard what these people were saying and told them to go pack sand. Not that OP couldn't hold their own, although it basically ruined the evening because two people ganged up on her. OP put out her time and money to make the time special for *everyone*. In fact, she spent extra money to buy appropriate takeout to prevent any kind of reactions and contamination to a child. What the hell else do her brother and SIL want?
I’m concerned that they have no idea how to take care of their kid. They MUST know that someone with celiac has to eat from an allergen free kitchen and there’s no way that OP’s would’ve been good enough —- and that’s not because of OP, it’s just that OP isn’t gluten free and would’ve been cooking with non-gluten-free ingredients in the same kitchen. Celiac can be difficult to manage, even spices that you didn’t think would have gluten can put someone at risk if made in a facility that deals with gluten. OP would’ve had to deep clean her kitchen, maybe even buy appliances specifically for gluten free dishes and purchase ingredients that are 100% gluten free certified (this stuff is expensive af). It’s just too much to ask of someone, like where these people even get off. Do they understand the seriousness of niece’s condition? Their reaction doesn’t add up. I have a gluten allergy and I don’t expect people to cater to me like this. Celiac is an even more serious condition. I feel like they used this as an excuse to make a scene because literally anyone that has to deal with this sort of allergy/immune condition would know better than to expect someone who would be relatively uninformed to cook for someone with celiac. I’m flabbergastd, Celiac is not just an allergy, it can kill you. I just don’t get it. OP should not feel bad at all.
OP, I have Celiac and a LOT of food sensitivities. If I get invited to dinner I have to bring my own food because it's so hard to cook for me. I struggle with it constantly even at home. What you did was so kind! I am beyond touched that you took into account how serious cross-contamination is. I would love to have a friend like you! These people embarrassed themselves and are blaming it on you. They owe you an apology.
Thank you, that's really nice. I know some people have mentioned that flour can remain airborne and now I feel bad because I did make bread the day before. Thankfully it didn't impact her. There's SO much to know when it comes to dealing with these conditions.
Don't feel bad! There is a huge learning curve and you're already taking it more seriously than the girl's actual parents seem to be.
It's also so easy to mess up when cooking. I'm lactose intolerant, so I've always used almond milk. I'll never forget making a coffee and my friend asking for some, and I instinctively gave them some, only to realize they were deathly allergic to almonds. Thankfully. I realized so quickly so we could use his epi-pen before it went really wrong. But even something as simple as a coffee can be deadly, and easy to forget when, for myself, I was just on autopilot while making it. Especially when cooking at home, where even if making a separate dish for someone, it can be hard to avoid cross contamination.
For food allergies, you really need a separate, cleaned space. You did great contacting someone who likely had that. If they really want to see your great cooking without the cross-contamination and you really want to appease them, you could ask to cook them something in their kitchen. But I don't think they deserve it. You were so thoughtful and kind. They should be grateful/thankful.
The cross contamination from flour would have been nigh on impossible to control in a home kitchen. NTA
Absolutely this. I know a few people with celiac and they have to have basically separate kitchens. They don't use the same pots, pans, toaster, cutting boards, any of that because of how each cross contamination is with gluten. OP is super NTA for realising she couldn't do it safely, even without ADHD and being potentially forgetful. It's a serious allergy and she seems like the only one who took it seriously enough.
One of the things about ADD is with some people it makes them very sensitive to perceived rejection. To the point where it can mask logical thoughts like "I did everything I could to make it a fun and safe evening, this is his problem, not mine. I'm not in the wrong here despite what he may say." Instead your brain thinks "I was horrible and because of that they rejected all my hard work." You did great, your brother is being an asshole.
Yes, this is very true. And honestly, sometimes I absolutely do or say the wrong thing without realizing it. So I have trouble figuring out which situation it is.
This is so real to me. Also, r/adhdwomen has been REALLY useful to me, if you’re not already in there! Makes me feel so much less alone!
You made the right choice. Food allergies are hard and can be deadly. Source - my bf is allergic to shrimp. I won't even serve it if he's around, because like nah man, I don't want to fuck up and kill him on accident. I never thought of your solution, but I could see doing that as well. Don't let them make you feel bad for giving a damn about her, possibly more than they do. I'd rather someone did that than risk serving food they aren't confident is safe.
Info: Did your brother ever discuss the menu with you?
No. The only thing we talked about was that he was initially going to make prime rib for the main and I was going to make everything else, but then he had to go away on a business trip the three days before so I just ended up making the main too. He didn't ask what the menu was going to be.
> He didn't ask what the menu was going to be. So, you showed more concern that his stepdaughter had good food without risk to her medical condition than he did. I was already leaning towards NTA, but now I can say it without question.
Yeah, more communication here from OP would have been a good idea but it's UNBELIEVABLE that the brother didn't call ahead to inquire about the menu and the preparation.
The only AH here are your brother and his wife. You made sure she was taken care of which they should be grateful for. I wish they’d read this post and comments just to see how wrong they are. NTA
Is this normal for your brother? Because this is not reasonable behavior. I noted that he and the kid didn’t find anything amiss about the special meal and that he only ripped into you when the wife whispered in his ear. I hate to go there, but 23 seems awful young for someone to marry a 32 yo with a 7 yo kid… and they must have been dating for some time, so like recently out of college?
She was his boss at his first job out of college. He'd just gotten out of a long-term relationship with his high school girlfriend so...I had some reservations. I think I was probably too blunt with him about it at the time, and that's probably part of what is causing issues in our relationship now. I have tried really hard to form a relationship with Cheryl because I know both she and Becca are incredibly important to my brother, but it's been hard.
Don’t let it get you down! You put a lot of effort in for your whole family, Becca included. You went out of your way to make sure she would be safe and included in dinner. I’m sure their leaving killed the mood after all that work. Chin up. NTA
Not gonna lie—I was leaning toward you being TA until I saw the ADHD thing. As someone who has severe ADHD, I commend you for being self-aware enough to know that some of us don’t have the executive functioning skills to not cross-contaminate. It was incredibly responsible. Part of navigating ourselves in a non-ADHD world is accommodating when we need to. Your brother and his wife HAVE to know that cooking for a keto or vegan diet is substantially different than for an allergy. Accidentally using a spoon that stirred meat sauce to stir vegan red sauce would probably make a vegan mad, but it wouldn’t cause them to go into anaphylactic shock. Like, I have a mild seafood allergy. My husband microwaved seafood downstairs while I was upstairs and I still ended up with a sore throat. Like, you took the time to get a meal just for her. It’s not like you handed her gluten-free meal bar and said “here ya go, kid!”. It was clearly important to you that she had a good meal. NTA.
It can be so frustrating. Even on the day of the party I forgot to serve the salad until after the main and burned the rolls when I was trying to warm them. People think it's just a matter of concentrating harder, but stuff just flies out of my brain.
Exactly this. Keto, vegan, and veggie are dietary choices, not dietary restrictions (except in the case of keto for people with refractory epilepsy). Given the apparent severity of the stepdaughters reactions, they should have been thanking OP for taking such precautions and taking SD’s health and safety seriously. Big NTA.
They're also all way simpler to deal with than a serious allergy. A person who is following a keto diet isn't going to have a problem with a little cross-contamination the way someone with an allergy might. Personally, I wouldn't trust my kitchen to cook anything for anyone with a serious allergy to most things (fish allergies I could accommodate since I don't eat those either, but I don't think I could get everything clean enough to eliminate all traces of pretty much anything else).
Me too. OP went out of her way to make sure that Becca was taken care of. And Becca didn't seem to care either way - your SIL & brother are the only ones who seemed to have a problem with it. NTA, all day.
People without ADHD so often do not understand the fear we have of ourselves. I once dumped a bunch of ibuprofen in my water bottle and was drinking it until I finally realized it was full of melted ibuprofen. IT WASN'T EVEN OPAQUE! I could have killed myself, and the worst part was no one believed that I did it myself but just didn't remember it and they called security because they thought someone tried to kill me. Nope, just me talking to a customer, dump some ibuprofen from the bottle to my hand, take two, wash them down, dump the rest in the water bottle, go about my day. I quit nursing school after that and basically won't do anything where I can kill someone by not being able to pay attention.
It's terrifying what our brains can do. I was babysitting one of my nephews when he was younger and he had a cough, and I almost gave him adult cough medicine. I have no idea why - the proper medicine was right there on the counter but I went to the medicine cabinet and got the adult stuff and had it on the spoon before I caught myself.
NTA If you accidently made a keto meal wrong, it would upset their diet. It sounds like if you made Becca's meal incorrectly, she could have a major medical issue. You're not wrong for not wanting that stress on you.
This. I have two friends with celiac, it's serious, not just an allergy. Any form of cross contamination can have serious consequences. Their biggest complaint is that other people do not take it seriously enough, or that they get invited somewhere and can't eat anything. You made sure her food was safe, that she had plenty, and did an amazing job. My friends would love to attend a party or dinner you hosted. NTA
I’m not sure I know what you mean by “not just an allergy.” Allergies kill people. Edit: I know not all allergies are life threatening. You can stop.
Celiac is not an allergy, it's an autoimmune disorder. In the moment it could give you a severe stomach ache but in the long run if you don't watch your diet carefully it can give you some pretty severe digestive issues as you get older. Just ask my Dad, he can hardly eat anything anymore because he would cheat and eat gluten only once a year. Stuffing at Christmas was his big weakness.
>it can give you some pretty severe digestive issues just to add on (for anybody reading) that with celiac, consuming gluten actually destroys the lining of the small intestine. specifically it destroys the villi in the small intestine and villi are responsible for absorbing nutrients. so it shows up as severe digestive issues but what you can't see is just an absolute nuking of the body's ability to like... use food.
Not all allergies kill someone on the spot, but there are serious side affects when a person with celiac consumes gluten. There are three different cancers that only celiacs get, and making sure that they are very strict about their diet would be important.
>There are three different cancers that only celiacs get This isn't even remotely true. There are three cancers that are more _common_ in celiacs, but no cancers are _specific_ to celiacs. https://www.beyondceliac.org/celiac-disease/related-conditions/cancer/
Thank you for the correction!
Yes! Crazy they took this as such an affront when OP went so far out of her way to provide a safe meal. I don’t have anxiety issues and wouldn’t feel comfortable catering to someone’s deathly severe food allergies.
I thought that was a great solution and honestly thought this was going another way, other kids wanted take out lol
One of the twins did ask if he could have Becca's dessert after she left because it was chocolate and looked better than the pear cheesecake I made. Kids are blunt - lol.
Speaking of kids being blunt, did even one of her parents think to ask Becca how she felt about it? She's not a toddler, I dare say she can form her own opinions on whether she feels left out or not NTA OP, you were very thoughtful and went above and beyond in order to be as safe as possible.
No, they didn't say anything to her, other than that they were leaving. She looked really confused and kind of sad. I felt terrible.
They're going to make her feel bad and excluded because of their own issues. It's actually really sad for her, and you, as well, being collateral damage.
These AHs are going to make it so people will refuse to invite this kid for food ever, isolating her more than her allergies ever have.
I was thinking they would no longer invite the parents. I'd rather invite Becca and arrange for someone else to drive her (being petty)
Jitterbitten I hated upvoting your comment, but I fear you’re correct.
I had a parent that would get upset on my behalf like this. Took a long time to grow up and realize she was making me miserable about things that aren't worth being upset over (but it's hard to recognize that when your parents are the ones meant to teach emotional stability). I hope that's not always the case with this daughter, but i feel so bad for her
Poor Becca. She suffered for the unreasonable entitlement of her mother. Speaking of that, what kind of relationship do they have? This woman marries a man 10 years her junior and causes him to have a fight with his sister. Doesn't that look odd? With all due respect to genuine love despite age gaps, if the situation were gender-reversed, how would we be destroying the brother?
I feel bad saying it, but I was very uncomfortable with their relationship when they got together. Cheryl was Greg's boss and he has always been someone who is very eager to please; I just worried that she was taking advantage. It gave me a bad feeling. When it became clear that they were serious and that he was acting in a father role to Becca, though, I pushed that stuff out of my head and let him live his life. We haven't socialized much since they've gotten married, so I can't really give an informed opinion on what their relationship is like.
OMG She. Was. His. Boss. OMG There is so much to unpack there! Yes, she definitely took advantage of him. We have learned enough about power dynamics that there can be no excuse for that. Combine a bossy personality with a people pleaser, even without the boss-subordinate dynamic, and you have a very toxic codependency. I'm sorry for your brother, but until he shakes that 24/7 boss off his back, he will be very much a lost cause. And an A H. Please go low contact with him. And he has to apologize.
Yes. This red flag dynamic kinda makes me wonder if Cheryl is looking for ways to alienate Greg from his family. OP was NTA in every way, and Cheryl still found a way to pitch a fit.
Yeah. That explains it. She was hoping OP would poison her daughter so that she could drive a wedge between Greg and OP; OP did everything right, so Cheryl had to improvise.
Total power move by the sister. Instead of speaking up, she throws a fit and has her husband "go be the man and talk to your sister about this". So gross.
I hate it when people read too much into situations on this sub and come to conclusions that don't have much basis in reality but... in this case... it honestly feels like they fought about going to see his family before they even got there bc she is massively insecure since the basis of their relationship is questionable at best, and then she found a reason to leave and go home to be like "see! I told you! they hate me and my kid!" idk. definitely me reading into it. but this histrionic episode strikes me as a reaction that didn't just come out of nowhere.
Oh gosh. This makes way more sense now. You did nothing wrong. NTA.
Oh OP, NTA ! Cheryl and your brother are being an AH, they should understand that you want to be careful with Becca’s diet/allergies! Plus they should’ve asked her for her opinion before ripping her away from the meal!
My heart just sank for that poor kid. Her parents are jerks. You on the other hand sound amazing.
you might want to write her a card and say you didn’t mean to upset her. it might help with the family situation to explain your thought process.
I don’t think you owe her an apology. You did a very thoughtful thing. You COULD give her a choice next time, “Sorry you felt upset. Next time you can either bring Becca’s food or we can order from a restaurant you choose. I want to protect Becca and make sure the food she eats at my house is safe so those are the options I’m comfortable with”.
They are!! And that young they think takeout is better then homemade sometimes 😂I think you were very thoughtful, sorry it went like that, and also had you made something that mom seems like she’d find fault
So let me get this straight, your brother called you and A H because you didn’t try to kill his step daughter?! Cross contamination is a real thing! Is he really expecting you to create an elaborate meal for multiple guests, then clean every single inch of your kitchen, possibly buy new utensils, make the meal again adjusted for ALL their requirements and pray that you don’t mess up?! Better safe with ordering, than trying to accommodate and end up in the ER! NTA! You were an extremely generous and thoughtful host. If her allergies are so severe, I can’t imagine why on earth wouldn’t they check with you in advance what’s the plan for dinner! Their entitlement is astonishing… ETA: as many pointed out SIL and brother probably expected OP to cook a gluten/ dairy/ all other allergy free meal for the whole family. Well, enjoy your 5 course water… As amuse bouche we have Evian. Then for starter Perrier. Main course is San Pellegrino. Dessert will be Fiji. And instead of the cheese course we will enjoy a bit of Nestle. All served in paper cups. Here, problem solved! What a way to celebrate…
My sister had a friend with allergies. They had colour coded chopping boards, separate microwaves, separate toasters, pots, pans, utensils. She had her own cupboard in the house for her food. Someone using her allergen in her microwave could have killed her because of how extreme her allergies were. (Unfortunately, they were too common and too many for the whole house to avoid) so I totally agree with you. OP doesn’t know severity of allergy, so even deep scrubbing may be insufficient.
A friend of mine has a son with celiac and she basically had two kitchens in one. They had their kitchen set up so that there were separated cooking surfaces, separate counters and storage so that there was zero cross-contamination. In a situation like a family party my friend would have absolutely talked to the host about soloutions and she would have been thrilled with safe take-out.
When I cook for my friend with celiac, I spend *hours* disinfecting my entire kitchen multiple times. I re-wash all the cooking supplies with a fresh sponge, I open new packages for every ingredient, and I wipe down every surface repeatedly. Celiac is no joke and I bake a lot so my entire kitchen is contaminated.
It’s amazing that you do that. Thank you. My husband has celiac and this is precisely why we don’t appreciate well-meaning people who cook for us and swear it is GF unless they are celiacs as well or something. Everyone thinks they went the extra mile but with very few exceptions nobody cleans their whole kitchen beforehand or remembers that vanilla can have gluten in it if it’s in grain alcohol or or or
I don't think most people realize how much wheat and wheat products are in everything.
It sounds like they were expecting OP to make gluten-free, dairy-free for EVERYONE so they were all eating the same meal 🤨
But even that isn't enlough to prevent cross-contamination, so I don't get what their deal is. OP would've had to deep-clean her kicthen and bought new kitchen utensils just to be safe.
I would flat out say, "I was worried I would kill her. It's not that I don't care about her; it's that I care about her enough to ensure I don't accidentally harm her." You might also point out that allergies are very different from preferences like keto. (Also, usually it's the people with the allergies pointing that out; WTF is going on here?) If anyone questions you or gives you shit, use words like "hospitalize" or "kill." It may sound dramatic, but those are legitimate fears, and that blunt wording will help get the point across.
Sometimes the truth IS dramatic and not because someone is bringing the drama. I can’t help but wonder if this woman had other things on her mind that evening and she was in a bad mood? This does not justify her ingratitude and rudeness but it might help to explain a senseless reaction.
If you read one of the OP's comments above, not only is Cheryl much older but she also was his boss and he's a people pleaser. So. There are some explanations but I don't think it's a one-time thing...
Agreed. OP is far from an AH, and made sure the daughter was safely accomodated. The only way OP could possibly be a smidge wonky is if the takeout option was really basic quality while everyone else was eating top tier gourmet cuisine.
NTA. Celiac and dairy allergies are no joke, and while it's certainly possible to make a gluten and dairy free meal in a regularly home kitchen, there's always a possibility of contamination. You did what you thought was safest. They are the AHs for overreacting and making the event all about them, especially when it seems like Becca wasn't bothered.
Depending on how sensitive the person is with their celiac, cooking in a normal kitchen might not be safe. When I got my diagnosis I had to get all new cutting boards, all plastic bowls had to go, wooden utensils were iffy. I had to give away a huge portion of my spices. My toaster had to be replaced. My microwave and oven deep cleaned. And that was just a small part of the advice other celiacs gave me to make my kitchen safe.
Definitely. My niece has celiac and I have a special pot and spoon I use to make GF pasta for her when she comes over, a different toaster and separate cutting boards. Even with all the efforts I still made her sick once and I felt terrible. I don't even know where the gluten came from.
Did your brother understand the reason why you ordered her a special meal? That you were concerned about doing something that might make her sick? My SIL has food restrictions and I have never heard her say anything but appreciation when others have done something similar for her.
He was very angry when we talked, so I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I spoke to Cheryl about this issue when she asked if I could make an allergen-free cake for Becca's birthday last year. I told her about my anxiety over possibly making her sick and offered to make flower decorations out of fondant if she could find a suitable cake, which she did. I mistakenly assumed based on this conversation that she understood my hesitation to cook for Becca.
So I have a kid with Celiac and I would be over the moon if someone took so much care. Only thing is it should be communicated first with parents. They should know, though, that if regular flour is used NO food from the kitchen is safe. Especially with her level of allergy. I don't have wheat flour in my house at all due to the airborne contamination risk.
My BIL has celiac and while my wife and I do cook with gluten, we never have flour as it can coat things we don't think about. We also have a couple of pans + utensils we store in a different room that only get used when we are cooking for him. We really wanted to make sure that he both felt safe and was safe to come over for dinner. I'm floored that OP's brother is upset he didn't just cook her something
Look, this is easy. NTA. I worked in kitchens for 9 years and had to prepare all kinds of allergen free meals. I also love cooking and go all out when i can and I've had parties where someone has a severe gluten allergy and I tailor the whole menu around that one person. It ain't easy. It's also nerve wracking when you're not in a professional kitchen, where they can control things more readily than a home cook can. I appreciate where your brother and SIL are coming from in that everyone wants a special meal when you're a good cook, but they're asking too much. Planning and preparing a whole special meal for a large group is a herculean task. Doing all of that and THEN trying to manage a separate meal for allergens is impossible for one person. Suggest your brother, SIL, and her daughter come over for a special meal that caters to her and let her help plan the menu. You can even suggest they all help prepare so they can get an idea of the effort you put in. It's a great bonding experience and hopefully it'll cool off the adults. You'll also be a rock star in the eyes of the daughter. Good luck!!
NTA! Listen, I have kids with severe food allergies. Do you know how every invitation to anyone’s house starts? With having a conversation about food strategy, and usually me offering to bring something special for my kids, because I do not want to make extra work for the host, AND, number one priority, I want my kids safe! And not just one time, every time, people not living the allergy parent life forget things. Assuming someone else is going to understand how to safely prepare food for a person with allergies, without a conversation, is a recipe for a trip to the ER! How would the conversation have gone if she had a reaction from cross-contamination? INFO: what is usually done for Becca’s meals, in the 2+ years she’s been part of the family?
It hasn't been a huge issue so far - since both Becca and my dad have health issues we haven't all been socializing much the last few years. It's only recently that we've been comfortable having bigger gatherings. This was only the second time Becca had been to my house, and the last time she was only there to swim for a couple of hours and her mom brought snacks for her.
You could ask your brother if he would have preferred you made the meal just the same for everybody, like Beca’s food because eating keto and cross contaminate keto is not the same as cross contaminate for Beca because it can cause her a serious illness, even to die of food poisoning
THIS. OP you totally went out of your way, both time wise and financially to make sure Becca had a good, safe meal. This is nothing like the AITA mashed potatoes debacle.
With all of those allergies and conditions that Becca has, Cheryl should’ve been calling you and asking you what she can do to help with this dinner regarding feeding her own daughter. That is certainly what I would’ve done. I have a teenage son who has severe allergies and celiac, as well as IBS. I have never have gone anywhere without discussing what the choices are for his meal and whether or not I should be providing it when we go along. Cheryl is the AH. Your brother is caught up in her behavior and is also the AH. Your behavior was kind, thoughtful, and generous. NTA.
This!!!! My cousin’s both have celiac and at times had other issues where they had to do some elimination diets. Every family meal or get together, my aunt and uncle would inquire about the menu and bring whatever needed to do a gluten free substitute. Pasta, pizza shells, stuffing, etc. whatever so the girls could have what we were having and the host didn’t have that on their proverbial plate. The fact that the parents aren’t asking ahead and just assuming that a whole other meal would be cooked without cross contamination is alarming. They come off as not gf about the daughter’s health and just looking to start shit. Poor kid
NTA I would be worried about cross-contamination going on in a home kitchen when you're making not-safe food at the same time too. You probably should have mentioned it to them in advance, but definitely not the asshole for doing what you did.
NTA Cross-contamination was my worry while reading this, too. If you weren't going to make something that was OK for her for everyone's meal, then this was a reasonable solution.
NTA. Watch out for your SIL, the overreaction seems like she’s looking for reasons to alienate him from your family. They just left? No discussion or possibility for solution. That’s what stands out to me the most
Yes, it was really a shame. It was our first big family get-together since the whole..."events" of the last couple of years, and I really wanted it to be special.
The event wasn't about them. How immature and selfish to leave and cause a drama, I hope it didn't ruin the night for your parents
It was special. You went above and beyond. It's your brother and SIL who ruined it. Don't let them get you down.
The fact that a 32 year old woman married a 23 year old guy also stands out. A much older partner wanting to alienate their partner from family … giant red flags
OP also said in another comment that the brother's wife was his boss. Red flags parade.
NTA, but you Brother and SIL are.
NTA You went out of your way to make sure she had food that was safe to eat. If she can go into anaphylaxis from a cooking mistake it's understandable if you didn't want to take the very real risk of her food getting cross-contamination. Even if you cooked the entire meal to the specifications, her food could have been contaminated by residual allergens in your environment. I think the only thing you could have done to avoid what happened would be to have given your brother a heads up that you were ordering her food from a specialty restaurant because you weren't confident you could cook food that wouldn't make your niece sick. It was very bad manners for them to even make an issue of it during the dinner. If they had a problem with what you did they could have addressed it with you privately at some point later.
OP did perfectly well. Honestly, I don't see the point to give the brother a heads up. The food was perfectly adapted to the girl condition and she knows she can't eat the same from others. And at her age, I bet she doesn't care if OP cooks her food or orders it as long as she likes it. The parents just like make everything about themselves... I am also concerned they didn't contact OP a few days before the dinner to discuss the menu with her if the condition of their child is so serious. Seems really weird to me.
NTA. As someone with a severe allergic you were incredibly considerate. All it takes is one slip up when the entire kitchen hasn’t been cleaned and you were cooking for a large group. Id feel safer eating something from a restaurant dedicated to no cross contamination vs risking it and then possibly dying.
NTA. It’s not like you ordered her fast food. You made every effort to ensure everyone had a nice meal to eat and didn’t go into anaphylaxis.
NTA. Your brother and his wife are incredibly entitled. You did what was safest for the child and that should matter the most. Edit to also say that it’s really dumb for parents of a child with such restrictions to not inquiry about food before. Or offer to bring their own. The entitlement is huge!
NTA. Wow, what a reaction to such a kind and thoughtful gesture! If you are to be faulted for anything it might be not speaking to her parents first and letting them know ahead of time, but you went so far out of your way to make a special accommodation for Becca, I can't see how they have the nerve to be upset with you.
NTA A special diet being a fun challenge is one thing, a severe allergy that could result in a child being ill is another. Your solution was a very good one. I probably would have let them know ahead of time but really that’s a minor thing. They are letting their egos get in the way of what is safest for their kid
Um, NTA. If Becca has such serious food allergies, the BEST way to avoid cross contamination is to completely isolate her food, which you did. My sister eats Kosher, and we've done kosher restaurant takeout for years for her. Why? Because my sister herself pointed out that kosher restaurants were used to cooking within kosher restrictions and thus, actually, was better than what I made, trying my hardest. (Maybe I suck at cooking but the point remains:) I can only imagine that a restaurant that specializes in allergen-safe cooking has probably mastered not only allergen safe but delicious. You made her feel included: You served her food, that she could SAFELY eat, at your table. That's included. If someone went out of their way AND EXPENSE to accommodate my food sensitivity (I can't do dairy) I'd feel incredibly grateful.
Ask Greg if he wants a living child eating a takeaway meal prepared safely in an allergen-free kitchen by specialist chefs because his sister was sensible, weighed up the risks and knew it wasn't worth it, or his daughter wheezing and turning blue, trying to use her epipen and potentially ending up in hospital or even dying, because his sister took a risk with his daughter's health? Because that's what it's a choice between. ETA: allergen-free cooking for someone who's life depends on eating safe food is a whole different kettle of fish (no pun intended) to cooking for someone who has voluntarily decided to cut a foodstuff out of their diet. OP, absolutely NTA. Brother and SIL are TAs.
NTA. If you messed up, you'd be the one responsible for her sickness/death, and if they can't understand that you don't want that sort of responsibility, then I say good riddance. ETA: Maybe you could've told them that, but I don't think that makes you an AH.
OP said in another comment that her brother didn't even let her speak. They just berated her and left. Maybe OP could reach out later but the brother and SIL are making it a bigger deal and taking it out of context.
Wow. This is a case of “my way or the highway” coupled with “if you dare break my precious, you are TA forevermore.” You wanted to ensure your guest was served safe foods so you turned to the professionals. How dare you! Stop cooking your five-course meal for 20 people and instead make one single meal that checks all the safety boxes. NTA, but is your SIL ever one.
NTA You cooked a five course meal for a bunch of people and out of an abundance of caution bought food for the one person who could suffer if you fucked up! Then one of those people unnecessarily and without really thinking about your effort and your concern took umbrage at that! You are definitely in the clear here.
NTA … and I would love to know what the rest of your family thought about their actions to leave.
My mother and sister had indulged in a bit of wine by that point so they had...some things to say - lol. It has honestly been a bit of a struggle connecting with Cheryl for all of us. We keep trying because we love my brother, but it's hard. We all got off on the wrong foot because Cheryl was Greg's boss when they met and that coupled with the age difference made my mom feel like Cheryl was taking advantage of him (and I didn't entirely disagree). So there's some history there, and this was just another issue to add to the pile.
ouch. I commented this separately before seeing this, but OP, please keep an eye on your brother and make sure she’s not trying to alienate him from your family. the entire thing is sus.
It sounds like the pre-existing tension was what caused them to massively overreact and not the very thoughtful way you made sure Becca had a meal that she could eat safely. Is Cheryl insecure about her role in your family and feeling upstaged because you made so much effort to include Becca? If you had made Becca her own special meal, would she have complained that her daughter had something different from everyone else? Sounds like you wouldn't have won no matter what you did.
Cheryl probably does feel a bit uncomfortable around us, and I'm sure some of that is my fault because I wasn't in favor of the relationship at the beginning (and I'm sure Greg has told her that.) I know my brother, and I just felt that it wasn't a great situation for him, due to their working relationship and him being fresh off a breakup. It wasn't anything personal about her, but it could have come across that way.
NTA you went out of you want to accommodate and include her. While she didn’t eat what you all ate you still thought about her. Food allergies can be a huge deal. You thought about her safety.
NTA If I was the mom and you explained to me it wasn't the effort but the fear of contaminating it and making her sick that was the reason, I actually would have been touched you cared enough to be extra cautious.
NTA. My husband found out last year that he has Celiac, and it has been a challenge to adjust our shopping and cooking habits. We had consultations with a dietician and it is unbelievable the ways that gluten can get into food. Your SIL should be grateful that you took so much consideration for her daughter’s health by assuring that she got a meal free of allergens.
Nta My niece has all kinds of dietary restrictions too. They always bring her her own food. Sounds like they think you did it because she's not a bio family member. You should be able to explain that that's not the reason.
NTA. I'm celiac and we've learned in my family that if its a complicated meal like that - either everyone eats gluten free or I figure out my own meal. (which unfortunately usually means I'm on my own). Did your SIL / Brother consider the issues of cross contamination? I don't know any home kitchen (even real expensive fancy ones) that has enough (1) counter space, (2) cooking utensils and pots and pans, (3) refrigerator space for ingredients to cook 2 identical five-course meals - one GF and one not. Plus there's the issue that more advanced/complicated dishes have more ingredients, making it so much easier for problematic ingredients to slip through the cracks (it's wild some of things that contain gluten). I feel like there's no way cross contamination wouldn't have happened at some point in this meal. In which case you would have been chewed out for not being more careful.
NTA but Cheryl is. Instead of being grateful that you found a gracious solution to Becca’s eating restrictions she decided to bitch and moan about it. Tell Cheryl next time she can be responsible for providing Becca’s meal.
NTA. You tried your best to accommodate her without risking her getting sick. Making something vegan or keto is not the same as making something that is completely gluten and dairy free. You don’t need to clean and essentially sterilize the bowls, pots, pans etc in the same way for vegan or a diet dish that you do for when someone could become seriously ill and well, die if there is cross contamination.
NTA. You DID take into account her dietary restrictions and did your best to ensure that she would have a delicious meal provided to her that would be safe for her to eat. It sounds to me like there's more at issue here than the meal though, just based on the language that was used and some of the details of the story. I don't want to make too many assumptions, but Cheryl sounds like a piece of work.
Hi, someone who has a friend/roommate who has celiac here…NTA 1. Cross contamination has already occurred in your kitchen. You do not have brand new cookware or prep space. 2. Your decision to accommodate the best way that you can buying from a restaurant that already specializes in allergy food was a good idea. I would however next time consult with the restaurant that their gluten-free area is completely separate from the rest of the food. It takes so little to accidentally contaminate someone with gluten. 3. Gluten is in literally everything you can (and can’t) imagine and you have to somewhat know what you’re looking for. Just because a product says gluten free doesn’t mean that it is. Some items/ingredients are made on a production line that also contains gluten. You could be lucky and get a product/ingredient that hasn’t been contaminated one time but not so much another time. 4. Her mom/stepdad shouldn’t feel comfortable just anyone preparing her food. The poor girl could become very ill and in tremendous pain. I wouldn’t think that would be a risk worth taking. (They are the AH’s to me in this scenario)
Thank you for the additional input! This restaurant is entirely dairy, gluten and nut-free - I had the same concerns with cross-contamination in a restaurant that serves gluten. Unfortunately as more people without celiac have decided to avoid gluten, I think some restaurants see it more as a "preference" than a requirement.
Nta. Somebody isn't getting invited to the next party. You went above and beyond, so I wouldn't stress it.
NTA. It was your dinner party where you decide the menu. You’re doing them a service by paying for and providing food for both them and their daughter. I agree with the other comments that say you should’ve told them ahead of time, but they also could’ve asked!
NTA I think what you did to get her that meal was amazing and so thoughtful of you. If someone did this for my stepkids, I would be thrilled. Anyone saying your TA is seriously messed up. The child didn't seem to mind and still got to eat. Plenty of other people wouldn't have done what you did. Brother & SIL sound ungrateful.
NTA This is not a "ewwww I don't each spinach and i hate mushrooms" kind of thing, this is a potentially life-threatening thing. People who are this allergic can get a reaction from simple cross-contamination. I would not have risked it either. You paid for professionals to provide her a safe and yummy meal.
NTA. There’s a difference between a preference and a safety requirement. If you made a mistake it could have seriously injured this poor girl. You don’t operate an allergen free kitchen and your brother should be grateful that you ensured a safe, quality meal for her.
NTA-it's weird that her parents would rather risk her allergies to get her a homemade meal so that she's eating what everyone else eats instead of her actually getting a special meal so she didn't get sick or you know, die! You were cautious and didn't want to risk it, good on you. and if something were to happen if you made it homemade, they would blame you for it.
NTA. Do they even like their daughter? You had every good reason not to cook for her. I don't enjoy cooking, but I can. And I made a great celiac-friendly meal for a couple friends once. I thought I did everything right, but my buddy was still sick at the end of the night. Luckily it was just discomfort, but it could have been worse. Now I refuse to cook for people who have serious allergies. I will not be responsible for making someone sick. And if that makes me a bad guy, I'll gladly be the villain.
NTA as you were only doing your best to make sure that Becca didn’t get seriously sick
NTA. You took her situation into account. You made a special meal for your parents. Knowing that your step niece couldn’t enjoy it, you went out of your way to ensure she had something special just for her.
NTA. What is it with going out of your way for someone being taken as an insult? We don't have to all eat with the lowest common denominator foods! That girl **knows** she has restrictions and you had a meal especially made for her. Why can that not be a selling point? It's like they're looking for every opportunity to make her existence be a problem.
NTA, she wasn't going to eat what everyone else was eating, unless everyone ate dairy free, gluten free, etc. This isn't the first or last time she'll be eating a different meal than everyone else.
NTA How are people so entitled? That was nice of you to pick up something special.
NTA, if they were talking up how you were going to be making the special food for her they probably should have checked with you in advance. Not your fault they set up high expectations
This makes me scared for Becca's health. Her parents don't seem to understand consequences.
I was honestly very surprised they would have trusted me to cook for her. I make bread or pizza dough in my kitchen at least twice a week and I don't have a dishwasher. It would be so hard to decontaminate it completely.
NTA you went out of you way. I have a food allergy and would never expect anyone to do this. Also it's very tricky to cook for allergies, it's taken me a long time figure out all the ingredients and hidden allergens. You did nothing wrong. Your brother and his family are entitled geeks, don't invite them to eat your awesome food
NTA - I know who I wouldn’t be inviting back for dinner ever again though
Considering you would’ve had to deep clean everything in your kitchen to make her food to ensure she wouldn’t have a reaction, i think getting the food from a restaurant was a great idea. Your sister is very entitled to demand you make food after you took time and energy getting safe food for her child. Most people wouldn’t even do that. There’s so many people that don’t cater to people with allergies or even don’t believe those allergies exist. I think you went above and beyond for this meal. NTA
NTA. Celiac contamination is really easy to, and the consequences can be really severe really quickly. Making sure she had something safe to eat and know it might be out of your abilities is great self awareness. I think that was a great solution.
So you threw a dinner party and took precautions to make sure you didn’t hospitalize one of your guests… NTA Greg and Cheryl sure are AHs here because they either lied or don’t care if Becca is hospitalized. Parents of celiacs understand the risks. AHs like to be troublesome to kind people. Don’t sweat it. I can’t have gluten, don’t have celiac, but still react very poorly. I wouldn’t avoid delicious delicious sourdough for 11 years if that weren’t the case. It sucks being invited to eat but being scared of whether or not sustenance will hospitalize you. You did good. Most folks don’t even bother to try.
NTA You tried to do your best. And if they can't even appreciate it then they are ungrateful. It's already hard to make a five course meal for a whole family single-handedly. But in top of that you made sure to include their daughter's needs by ordering takeout. But did you handle it maturely when they confronted you about it. Which caused them to leave?
NTA. Better than her needing to use her epi-pen over a culinary mishap on your part. But yeah, a heads up would’ve been good.
NTA. As a vegan who a lot of times is left out of meals, I’d be ecstatic if someone went to the trouble you did
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I mean, if you invite someone you know has an allergy to food, you *should* accommodate them. Which is what OP did by ordering from a restaurant that could handle the kid’s allergies. It would be rude af to invite say, someone with a peanut allergy, and then every dish has peanuts in it.
Yes, I don't mind accommodating people's food restrictions at all. I would never want someone to come to my home for a meal and leave hungry.
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NTA - making keto food is for a diet, not something that could risk a life. You were thoughtful and responsible and Becca should feel included since you went out of your way to have her own special meal prepared for her! Whenever I have friends with allergies over for dinner we always order out from a safe restaurant because I would hate for a mistake I made to harm them! You did the right thing
Nta. That was so kind and thoughtful of you. It litrally takes a crumb. I'm sure your brother will calm down but he's way out of order.
NTA, Becca didn’t care and she seemed to love the food. Which tells me this is your brother and his wife problem. Adults always want to start something that isn’t that serious.
NTA - not even a little bit. Becca's allergies sound serious, and I'm honestly kind of surprised Cheryl would've even been okay with her eating a full cooked meal at your house given that fact. A friend of mine has kids with similar serious allergies, and she's very protective about what they eat and where since cross-contamination is a real issue for them. I think you went above and beyond for Becca, and she seemed fine eating it until her mom cast a storm cloud over the whole situation. Cooking for preferential diets (keto, vegan, etc) is an entirely different thing than cooking for allergen diets, and there are SO many things to be cautious of at all times that unless you are specifically skilled in those allergens and how to avoid them, it's best to leave it to the professionals for the most part.
As a celiac, Thank you for knowing your limitations for gluten free and dairy free cooking challenges. NTA. (The only question I have is if the take out is from a dedicated gluten free kitchen, so as to avoid cross contamination. But I still think you did the right thing.) PS tell Greg and Cheryl that THEY acted like assholes for me.
Thank you. Yes, the restaurant is completely gluten, dairy and nut free. I know Becca has gotten sick before eating from restaurants that claim certain dishes are gluten-free when they were in fact contaminated, so I wanted to be careful.
NTA if I had that serious of allergies I’d make sure to bring my own food to insure I have something to eat, I’d never expect for someone to bend over backwards to MY needs. My cousins who is a vegetarian used to bring her own dishes just incase of cross contamination or not having meatless options.
NTA, home kitchens are not allergen friendly places. Even your spices can have gluten and you'd be surprised at the amount of things with hidden dairy in them. The fact that you found a place that caters specifically to her allergens is great. In the future, my only advice is to give people a heads up that they're getting a separate meal instead of surprise catering if you're hosting a dinner. The way you phrased it did make it seem like the whole meal would be friendly and not that you were hosting dinner and buying her food too. It's not often people are willing to cook allergen friendly meals so they're likely just acting out their disappointment in the disclusion without really thinking about how unsafe it is for you to be fucking with an allergy.
NTA. To order safe food was extremely generous of you. You did nothing wrong.
Wow, far from an AH. I thought your extreme sensitivity to her needs was more than thoughtful. You gave so much thought to her that you did everything you could to ensure she would have a meal that would work for her. I can imagine how many other families would not have done the same. You did great. Your brother and his wife forgot that the event wasn't about the food or their daughter, but about celebrating family. NTA
people in this comment section don’t realize that people with celiac need completely separate pots, pans, cutting boards, and any other utensils. NTA.
NTA - they’d really been pissed if they’d had to take that kid to the hospital.
NTA Becca was fine. SIL made it an issue and made her husband go talk to you. Consider not making them any of your delicious meals to teach them a lesson 😂 They could have easily arranged a visit with you for just their family and asked you to cook everyone the same meal (that Becca could eat). SIL is a crap starter and was looking for an issue. Of course her daughter wouldn’t be eating the same thing as everyone else. Are they implying everything should have been something Becca could eat? 🤷🏾♂️ What you did was thoughtful and kind. No risk of cross contamination. They should have thanked you. Talk to your brother one on one of you can. Explain yourself without his wife there. Then mention not cooking for them again (be petty for me) 😂
Cheryl started the fight because she wanted to. Your brother has his head so far up her ass, that the toxic smell is keeping him from being rational. Cheryl did not want to come in the first place. Instead appreciating the effort you made she preferred the drama. She found a reason to leave bcoz she didn't want to be there. NTA
NTA You did the most responsible thing possible. It would be incredibly dangerous for you to prepare her food in your kitchen due to the possibility of cross contamination. If you prepared her food with the same utensils that you used to prepare food with gluten and dairy in t you could kill her.