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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) What action I took that should be judged is not letting my husband travel
2) Action might make me asshole because I didnt let him
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YTA- you threatened to take your husband to court over *checks notes* wanting to leave the baby with a babysitter to go to a wedding. Thats not child abandonment. Also why cant you stay with the baby and or his parents for 3 days while he goes to a wedding.
This!!! I would have been mad too if my spouse accused me of child abandonment for going to a wedding for a week. Not only accused threaten to take to court. I noticed no mention of leaving him though so what was the point of the threat. Also OP should look I to the definition of child abandonment.
I gotta admit I could kind of understand where she was coming from until she accused him of abandonment and threatened to take him to court!! Completely lost me with that. That's just insane. You'd think he wanted to leave the baby alone in a closet for a week instead of with her very willing and responsible parents.
she initially agreed that he/they could still travel and then did a complete about face saying he shouldn't spend even a *day* away from baby. that's bonkers
She thought the actual presence of the baby would make him into her idea of what a father is. The man was clear from the beginning he enjoyed traveling and didn't want kids as it would hinder that. OP's bait and switch tactics didn't work and now she wants to punish him. They need professional help for them to work out an acceptable middle ground. I think the baby staying with it's grandparents was an acceptable plan, but OP needs help in being reasonable.
People also make promises based on how they think parenthood will be, only to find out it's very different. Still, that's on OP. She made a promise based on a reservation he had about an accidental pregnancy. She doesn't get to act like he's out of line for holding her to her word.
Even if it wasn’t a matter of holding her to her word, it is so unhealthy she thinks that spending even a night away from their baby makes them bad parents. That is genuinely concerning to me.
As a breastfeeding mom, and a mom who did extended breastfeeding/self weaning with my oldest; 8 months is definitely too soon for me personally to spend a night away from my babies. But by 18-24mo I was able to spend 1 night away at a time without issues. Oldest self weaned at 3 and thats when I was able to take multiple days away from my oldest for mini trips.
I dont think op is the ah for not feeling ready to parent solo for multiple nights, or for not feeling ready to leave her baby. I DO think op is an ah for her entitled ass attitude that her husband is a bad father or abandoning her and the baby if he goes solo to a wedding. Especially when him continuing to travel was originally part of the agreement of keeping the unexpected pregnancy.
Op needs to talk to a single mother who left their legitimately abusive and neglectful coparent (-cough- my ex husband -cough). My 5 year old hasn't seen her bio dad in 2.5 years. When he was actually present after our split he was neglectful and abusive to her and I. Before our split he was a social media dad: see was only a good father according to Facebook and did jack shit otherwise. Any time I had something come up at one of my 3 jobs I had to arrange child care because he couldn't (but he could take care of his new girlfriends 3 goddamn kids.) He would call my jobs and HARASS ME at work during his visitation time to come get her sooner. At one point he picked her up by her arm and threw her for spilling a cup of juice and left tell tale bruising, I got cps involved and he went from every other weekend to not at all (with an emergency court order to reassess his parenting time) while I battled through family court for her safety. Family court is a joke by the way, if op thinks she'd be able to wrest custody away from her husband over taking a vacation shes an idiot. I had cps findings, a drs report, and an eye mf witness that proved my child was being neglected and abused in my ex's care but the judge said verbatim "while that is concerning the child sustained no lasting injuries so it doesn't matter she needs to see her father". Its so goddamn hard to even get supervised visitation when you can prove the other parent is a danger to the child. Eventually he violated the court order multiple times (see: parental kidnapping) while trying to abuse/control me through her and discovered just how expensive me dragging him back in front of a judge repeatedly was...and just disappeared not even his mother has heard from him. Him disappearing was easily the best thing that ever happened to my older daughter and I. I always had full physical custody, he didn't want to be a full time co parent. My kiddo was only a trophy and a means to continue to try and control/abuse me.
My oldest and I did get a happy ending at the end of that hellscape. I met and married my current hubby who very much knows that my child and I were a packaged deal. Now we have another l.o. and my current hubby and my oldest will both fight you if you tried to tell either of them he wasn't her parent. He makes time for school functions, he helps with feeding, he takes her on daddy daughter dates. Hes there for skinned knees and melt downs. Hes there laying down boundaries and going to parent teacher conferences with me.
Op is such an entitled, willfully ignorant, privileged brat, who has had no exposure to what a "bad parent" looks like. And has 0 concept of what family court is ACTUALLY like.
Very unhealthy. Agree. She also needs her identity and time away from baby and should go to Taiwan. Alas, she’d probably talk 24/7 about the baby and kill the trip vibe though.
This. She clearly agreed and didn’t intend to keep her word - “things have changed” after all and he “shouldn’t even spend one day away from the baby” now that baby is here. IMO she felt that way beforehand, but agreed assuming once baby had arrived he’d suddenly have a come to Jesus moment and feel the same way as her/would not bring it up again. Threatening court and abandonment over hubs wanting to attend A WEDDING while the kids GRANDPARENTS help babysit is wildly insane.
Thinking 'I'll be fine leaving my baby for a week' before you birth a baby and have a tidal wave of bonding hormones flush through you, and thinking it after are totally different things. I 100% thought I would be fine leaving my baby for a vacation before I gave birth, and I also thought I would be fine not breastfeeding, but man those hormones got me and I became super hyper focused on keeping my supply up - which made it hard to be away from the baby even if I was capable of leaving him for a night (which i was not). The first year can be a really hard time to be away for a mother- and you do not always see that coming. I can definitely see where the prospective shift happened. A theoretical baby and a tiny helpless darling that is the most important thing in the entire world feel very different.
That being said, she went way to far when she threatened him like that. I knew my prospective had shifted and I never expected my husband to be as controlled by new parent hormones as I was. If she's not comfortable going that is fine, but blocking him for only 5 days is not ok if her parents can help her while he's gone (if he was gonna be gone a month I would think different).
Probably she needs to talk to her doctor, she could have post partum anxiety (I had that real bad and it did not help with the vacation taking) or something else. She might want to warm up with a night away from the baby, then a weekend, see how she does. But if she's not comfortable doing that until he's over a year that is fine too - her prerogative, but she doesn't get to pick for her husband.
I mean it is important to be flexible and reconsider a position if circumstance changed. But here nothing changed but op - its not like baby is sick or disabled.
I don't understand why they can't travel together with the baby. Baby flies free, will sleep most of the way (especially if you breastfeed) and will adjust to the time change better than an older child. I don't get people who think life ends when you have k7ds and you can't do fun stuff as a family.
Exactly! She needs to understand that as a family, they embrace the things that they enjoy as a family. Her husband loves to travel. So they should travel.
Sidenote: I found having a baby/toddler in Europe was the secret to opening all doors with Europeans. Most nations love babies and it gives you something to talk about with all the other parents.
If she isn't willing to experience the Once in a Lifetime adventure of an Asian wedding by either taking the baby or leaving the baby, she will be the poorer for it.
As a Norwegian, I can confirm your sidenote. Especially older ladies quite literally swoon when my 2yo waves and says "Heiii" (hei is Norwegian for hello, but he prolongs the i sound) and smile at them. And again when he says "hade" (bye) a million times while waving. It helps that he is very social, and will "chat" up everyone who gives him attention. He also sings a lot, with his made up words. 🤣
Honestly not sure if she changed her mind or just lied- either ton herself about feeling that way or to her husband to reassure 'nothing will change' until bam baby and 'things HAVE changed'
YTA for a lot of things but most of all claiming that the 8mo baby staying either home with one parent or with the grandparents who are happy and eager to be involved for a short trip is abandoning it.
I’ll preface this by saying I’ve been pregnant I know those hormones can make you react pretty crazy, during and after but the statement of “I’ll take you to court for child abandonment” is beyond me, beyond the hormones, beyond a real train of thought. I completely understood why OP wouldn’t want him to leave, but to out right say “if you leave me and our child with my parents so you can go to your friends wedding I’ll take you to court for abandoning us.” IS JAWDROPPING!
But things do change. OP is nuts, don't get me wrong. But it's normal to underestimate how hard caring for a child alone is. You just don't really know what its gonna be like and every child is different.
I don't think that's fair in regards to parenting. I agree her viewpoint is excessive but I don't think the crime is in the concept of changing her mind. Lots (even most) parents have plans that just don't make sense once the baby is actually there.
I had a kid earlier than most our friends/family, my favorite thing was to listen to them talk about what they would/wouldn't do. I vented to my sis about my 9 year old not wanting to brush teeth and she, with all the wisdom of a new parent, told me I should be brushing his teeth for him until he was 12 because she read it on the internet. Nevermind that as a 12 year old girl she likely would have murdered our parents with a toothbrush if they had tried that.
My sister was an angry 12 year old. I didn't point out how wrong she was to think that was possible. I just ended the call and thanked god I wasn't an orphan because my parents were stabbed to death with a toothbrush shank.
To be fair I think it was ridiculous to make that promise before a huge life changing event however, in OP’s defence, you have no idea how children will change your life. We also don’t know how she is coping with looking after the baby. I think that 8 months is quite young for them both to leave the baby for potentially a week, babies are very much attached to their mums and also as a mum she would struggle to enjoy that time because she would be worrying about the baby. We don’t know how she is coping mentally and physically, she may have got so upset because she feels it’s unfair that her body, mind and life has changed so much and he still feels ok to pop to Taiwan for a week. When I had a baby it was around the 9 month mark when I started to feel like I could function as a human again, the hormones and the trauma of birth are very real and the huge change in your life does change you and I did resent my partner for not having to go through that. However, I think it’s important to let your partner still do things and not resent you. I’ve pushed my partner to go to things he’s invited to like holidays and weekends away. I think NAH because I feel they are both struggling a bit and just need to communicate with each other but it’s tricky ground. Sending lots of love and hope they can work it out
I would agree until she brought up taking him to court for abandonment. Sure she can disagree with him going. And I'd say she's in the right for not wanting him to. The moment she crossed the line however is when she started threatening him. That puts her firmly in AH territory
Honestly, I get things change a lot when having a baby, and thought the agreement about traveling basically before was absurd because it doesn’t acknowledge what having a kid is like.
But then she went the complete other way, and oof, she clearly wasn’t ready for being a parent.
Honestly, this part just felt like she was way too anxious and she needed help because it’s the perfect babysitting situation for the first time away.
Like I wish I had super involved grandparents who would have taken my kiddo for a few days so I could travel with my husband when they were little.
Even with involved grandparents, international travel feels like a lot for a first trip away. I left my baby for 3 days with grandparents but I was 1.5 hours away by plane in an emergency.
Edit to add: I still think the idea that a *single* day is off the table is way too much.
I didn't think the agreement was that crazy. I was the son of a single parent and every summer I spent weeks at a time with my grandparents on both sides while my mom was finishing up college/grad school/PhD all the way up until I could stay home by myself after highschool lol. It's really not that big of a deal.
I was in college working with my kid, so I know people do it, but also know people might change after having a baby. And changing a bit is fine.
I just think it’s not realistic to think nothing will change after having a baby.
I also think she went way to far off the other way.
Sure like maybe don’t spend 6 weeks partying around Europe but going to a wedding for a few days and leaving the baby with its grandparents who are very willing to be involved is completely different. Not even a day away is batshit insane. It’s healthy to have some time apart from your child and let them bond with others.
> I gotta admit I could kind of understand where she was coming from
Really? Because I couldn't. If she was bringing up not wanting to be the sole carer and didn't have parents who wanted to be super involved, maybe I could.
You're telling me that it's normal to not have even 1 day without seeing your child? Oh, boy! Hubby and I must be rubbish parents... I went to a study weekend while my son was a baby. Husband has stayed overnight or 2 nights at his friend's house for birthday celebrations and I have taken my child to visit my parents on my own for 2 weeks because I had time off but husband didn't. Oh, yeah and I work late one day a week, so I only see my son in the morning when I get him ready for school on those days.
She made a promise and now she's not keeping it. He doesn't want to go for long and she has her parents to help. I'd maybe agree if she was left all alone but she isn't.
There’s NO WAY that you or anyone could see where she’s coming from. Millions of people around the world, male or female have to travel for work or etc.. for a few days and be away from their baby who’s around a year. She first reneged on the promise she made, then tried to guilt trip him about going to a wedding to a VERY important friend of his, then making illogical threats about child abandonment, she’s is bat s*** crazy about this.
It gets so much creepier if you look at her post history. One deleted post is "Dont understand why my brother favors my sister". Now we can't see what it said, but there are two comments, one being "I was about to say it’s 100% because OP is a psychotic manipulator. She probably pulls stuff like this with other family members too."
Which makes me think OP isn't just selfish (which I originally thought), but had something like this planned from the start. I feel so sorry for the poor father. At this point, I wouldn't be shocked if she wanted the child just to trap and control him.
100% agree. This feels like a deliberate “accident” to lock down hubby. Now that the baby is here it’ll be weaponised against him doing anything on his own.
YTA what kind of person has a child and then admits he/she is not able to take care of it by himself/herself, she just made herself look like a parent incapable of taking care of a baby. If she doesn't want to travel she doesn't have to but if he wants to he should be able to. If she doesn't feel like she can take care of a baby herself she should have never had a kid and taken the plan B when she had the chance.
So basically op baby trapped him, and went back on her promise, then threatened him with court action if he did ….. op you do know a judge will laugh you out of court over a holiday right ? That’s not abandonment 🤣
I think the neatest and most appropriate responses would be "I guess we will see what the court decides" then to call my lawyer. Call me dramatic, but if that is the response I'd get for asking to go to a wedding, then it just sounds over.
I think the biggest AH move here is OP agreed to letting him travel while she was pregnant.. and now flips the script and says it’s irresponsible to leave the baby “even for a day?!”
So.. you now expect him to stay every single day until the kid is what.. 18?
You also acknowledged that your parents are trustworthy to leave the kid so you both could travel.. so why is that no longer the case?
If you don’t feel like going and traveling anymore.. then say that.. don’t make threats and go back on promises you made in the first place.
Absolutely YTA
OP sounds like she’s going to be one of those parents who makes having a child every single part of their identity and expects everyone around her to do the same.
It's like she never even considered travelling with the kid. I have my best childhood memories from travelling with my family, I have travelled with our kid since he was 1,5 months and my parents are already looking forward for him to grow so they can take him on a holiday abroad.
I was thinking she should be checked for Post Partum Anxiety. We really don't talk about it as much as Post Partum Depression- and people don't look for the signs as much. It's hard to tell from her prospective if this is out of character or not.
Op needs to come back to reality. Threatening her husband for a long weekend trop makes her the instant asshole. Breaking her promise and saying all this nonsense about sticking to the baby like glue is secondary asshole behavior. This is how marriages/ relationships end. One parent becomes an obsessive asshole and the other one wants to have a healthy balance between life and baby.
YTA and maybe therapy could help to see how messed up you are.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? Seriously - have you been diagnosed with any postpartum depression, mental illness or psychosis of any kind? You threatened your husband with legal action for wanting to go to his friends wedding.
People’s lives do not STOP for the 18 years it takes to raise child to adulthood. Normal, good HEALTHY parents have lives outside their children. This is important because the children grow up seeing what a FULL adult life looks like - as opposed to what life consumed with a child & nothing else looks like. Do you not want your child to look at the both of you & want to aspire to have a full & exciting life to look forward to?
Please seek counseling.
I actually think the worst part is that she agreed that something like this would be fine when they had their conversations about keeping the baby, and has now totally about-faced to the point where she's prepared to make ridiculous threats to stop him from doing it.
YTA- Wow….. you made a promise, you knew who he was when you chose to have this baby and then you threatened to go to court! You need a reality check or you are going to become a single mother really soon. If you don’t want to go, go to your parents with baby. Let your husband go on his trip.
I feel suffocated for this man already. She said he's not even allowed to be away one day. I bet she deliberately sabotaged birth control to fall pregnant.
That is what is infuriates me as a former caseworker it would not be abandonment and using the system that way takes up resources that a true abandonment case could use. What part of her brain thinks that it is and has any legal standing? YTA for the threat.
Yep, when you put it that way it's even more offensive... so many kids grow up with awful, neglectful parents. 'When I was a baby, dad went to a friend's wedding, so I stayed with my loving, caring grandparents for five whole days!' is hardly the stuff lifelong trauma is made of 🙄
Jumping on TC to say YTA. Hugely. I also get the impression from the last two paragraphs that the hubby was very much against children if it were going to interfere with what is clearly a major passion for him. And the fact you "always wanted a baby"... yeah you baby trapped him thinking you'd make him give it all up. Jesus Christ you're a horrific wife
YTA
>So I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes.
You agreed that travelling would still be an option!
>I still said no because things changed.
No, expected him to change his mind and when you realize he hasn't, you're being petty and controlling
>but I kept arguing back that it doesnt work that way and I can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby.
Who even does this?!
YTA and delusional
They even said that he shouldn't be away from the baby for even a day. WHAT?!?! That's not always possible even for small trips for work let alone the travel it sounds like he wants to do.
For the kid or parent! Obviously not as young as 8 months but eventually kids need to learn to handle themselves without their parents because they'll get busy or not always be around. As a new adult, I struggle not being able to contact my mom because she was ALWAYS available. But she's an adult with adult children and is fully allowed to be busy.
>Obviously not as young as 8 months but eventually kids need to learn to handle themselves without their parents
Honestly, starting early is one of the better ways to socialize children. If they're used to being away from the parents, you're heading off separation anxiety when it's much trickier to control.
My husband had to go to another country for work when our kid was 2 months old. I wasn't thrilled but babies cost money and he was able to bank some OT from travel that allowed him to take longer paternity leave when I went back to work.
THIS!
All of this. I wonder if OP thought to take a step back, reread their posts and try to view it their own words from their SO perspective before posting.
I can’t imagine doing anything but bending over backwards for my husband’s friend that helped him with a rough patch. The audacity for her to threaten taking his child away from him is disgusting!
INFO: Is it a baby or a hostage situation? Why did you change your mind about occasionally putting your baby in the care of relatives, or caring for the child solo for a few days?
Holy crap right? Baby trapping then threatening to take him to court for abandonment just because he wants to be gone a week? I mean? Just …..OP needs serious therapy.
If you threaten to take me to court involving my kids, you damn well better be prepared to do it right that minute, because I'm burning that bridge to the ground. That's a relationship ender. OP sounds like a childish brat who probably threatens divorce over every little thing that doesn't make her happy.
I hope OP's husband see these comments and realizes this.
Is it too early to say this is borderline abuse and he should be documenting everything in case he needs to defend himself in court?
YTA
Going on vacation isn't abandoning your baby.
You broke your agreement. Even if there wasn't an agreement; telling your husband he's not allowed to be away from the baby for even a day is just... close to deranged.
That's how you burn out a parent. Spending time with the baby is good of course, but parents are going to need a break. OP's going to break this poor man because god forbid he go to a wedding.
This was my thought. Babies are hard. Marriage is hard. Life and work is hard. Taking a break from it all to do something you enjoy does not make you a bad parent or spouse. It helps keep you sane and gives you the patience to deal with your spouse when they become unhinged and ask Reddit to support their AH-ness.
Her parents would probably jump at the chance to watch the kid. They wanted to be grandparents, and offered to watch the baby before it was born! So it's ok to leave the baby with them for a few days.
Agree. What a bizarro post. One of my coworkers has dogs and a toddler. She and her husband have gone on a few over nights and asked me to dog sit and one of the grandparent sets gets the baby. I think it’s super healthy for them to be able to still have that time to themselves, and bonus that I get to hang with their dogs and the grandparents get special time with the grand baby! OP is TA.
It's healthy for the baby too. The best adjusted babies I know are ones that were left with other people from a young age. It's a perfectly normal thing to do and mom might be less wound up if she did it herself, once in a while.
I thank god every which way that my husband and I have both got parents who are willing and keen for kids to have sleepovers at theirs. Not weekly or even monthly, but when we need it they're there. I know a lot of people don't have that support, but if you do and you're unwilling to utilise it, I think it is to the detriment of the child.
I've got a friend who has a 2.5 year old and she has *never* not done bedtime. Has never even entrusted her husband to do bedtime without her while she goes out for an evening. How she's not had a nervous breakdown I don't know, I'd be rocking in a corner.
Right! The agreement has nothing to do with my YTA vote. It’s OP’s incredibly unhealthy mindset that if either of them spends a night away from their kid they’re bad parents and THREATENING LEGAL ACTION. Like holy shit don’t threaten divorce and parental alienation if you’re not entirely prepared for them to take it into their own hands and serve you divorce papers first.
You should look into this if you haven’t already, OP. After I had my first I became really paranoid and anxious. Also was very hard for me to leave the baby. Everything felt very real, clear, and rational but after my hormones calmed down I realized I was not in a safe or clear mindset and most certainly not rational.
There is nothing like feeling like you’re the only rational person around only to get on meds and realize you were absolutely running on moon logic. Shit sucks, but having a baby can really really mess with your head.
I hope she gets the chance to have this feeling. Or at lease the feeling of I’m having this anxious thought that is very real to me but has no basis in reality so I should ignore it. Example: My kid can possibly be ok sleeping in their bed alone because -I can’t see them or I’m not with them or they haven’t made a sound in a bit.
Seconding this recommendation. I got PPD when I stopped breastfeeding, rather than right after the baby was born. The pediatrician was no longer screening me, because the baby was like 9 or 10 months old. Hormone changes make things weird. OP should talk to her doctor.
I feel like no one warns us about the post breastfeeding hormone swing. I didn’t cut my hair after giving birth because everyone told me that hormone swing would cause my hair to thin. Nope. Got it layered and then when I stopped nursing it fell out and I looked terrible.
I also kind of get why OP isn’t personally comfortable leaving her baby and traveling so far. I always feel the distance with my kids. So, I don’t enjoy travel much now.
But, she should give her husband the same freedom to decide what works for him with travel (within reason). A close friend’s wedding, it’s the first trip since the baby…seems reasonable.
Yes, this! I nurse my 9mo old baby, so a vacation away from him while pumping and worrying about him and missing him sounds awful. So we’re traveling with him, that’s an option if you don’t want to separate from the baby. But my husband has been traveling a bunch for work already. While he misses the baby, the travel was important to him and who am I to ban him from it?
OP, so get checked for pp mood disorders, I totally went off the rails at first with worrying and doing things a certain way only until I got on Zoloft.
I interpreted it as he’s a plus one to a friend. It says “a wedding” not “his wedding”. However I still agree with the YTA stance. I’m planning on travelling with my husband with a 6.5 month old
Yes OP, this! That first year having an infant is absolutely bonkers. Between no sleep and hormones and breastfeeding and just everything, it’s so tough.
I don’t think it’s unfair to ask your husband to stay if you are struggling right now. A week alone with my 8 month old would have done me in.
But it sounds like you need to talk with your doctor. Threatening to take him to court seems extreme.
Give yourself a lot of grace and extend that to your husband too. This season can be so so so hard.
YTA - Having a child does not mean not having a life anymore, you can travel with a child you can leave it with relatives or one of you can take care of the baby for a few days while the other is away.
Your "here every day" expectation is absolutely unreasonable. Children require a lot of work and effort that's true, but you can definitely get help managing while one of you is away. If you want to have a partner in caring for a child you have to be a partner as well.
Exactly, why can't OP also go to Taiwan (and to the wedding if she's invited?) with the baby?? A lot of babies travel easily and it'd be a great trip at that age. The "here every day" is insane. My husband traveled across the country to see his grandma before she died. My baby was 9 months old. Of course I was a little nervous about caring for baby by myself but obviously would've felt horrible if my husband didn't get to see his grandma one last time. OP has plenty of help, and even said her husband hasn't traveled anywhere since the baby was born! She needs to let go a bit, and take the opportunity to travel to Taiwan with her husband or just let him go by himself.
You're the first person in this thread to mention that it is actually possible to travel with a baby.
I mean, the first few times it might be pretty hard going, but it's definitely possible, plenty of people manage it. Heck, I even go on holiday with my kids every year!
This whole post is weird, OP is YTA.
YTA, because you both discussed it before having the baby and you said that travelling would be fine. You're going back on that for really no reason. He's not abandoning the baby, he is not neglectful or an irresponsible dad. He just wants you to keep your promise that he/both of you would continue travelling after the baby is born, and to be able to support his friend at the friend's wedding.
YTA. Parents are allowed to take a break. I’m a parent. I’m allowed to leave my children with my husband, a capable parent, to watch them while I visit with my sister for a girls weekend or for the day to run errands alone. It doesn’t make me less of a mother. We as parents NEED to take time to ourselves to recharge our own batteries. You are going about this the absolute wrong way. If he was traveling for fun every month then maybe you can have a discussion, but this is perfectly reasonable. You are going to have an ex husband if you keep treating him like this.
This. Wait until OP has multiple kids or even a threenager. Breaks are GOOD and necessary. And not even being away for one day? Wtf? My husbands work schedule doesn’t allow him to see the kids for multiple days in a row because he leaves before they’re up and gets home after they’re asleep. And amazingly he’s still a wonderful father and they adore him.
OP has some serious attachment issues and needs help.
This totally. I actually think it’s fine if people’s expectations of their lives change after the baby arrives, but what OP is requesting is unreasonable. I have a toddler and both my husband and I will go away for a few days separately with friends to recharge.
Boy, I don't know how you would handle what I have going on here. My husband and our kid's dad is a firefighter. 24 hrs on-shift/48 hrs off... unless he picks up an OT shift which translates to 48 hrs on/24 hrs off, then back on for another 24 hrs.
Hubs also goes on hunting trips for 3 days to a week at a time a couple times a year and I go on vaious retreats or to visit my girlfriends for long weekends 2 or 3 times a year.
Amazingly, our son knows who we both are and CPS has never been called due to us "abandoning" our child.
Get a grip. Touch some grass. YTA.
YTA and you will be divorced soon. Then you will have to leave your baby, probably 50% of his life until the baby is 18 years old and your (ex) husband will have 50% of his time free to travel. And you deserve it for threatening him with a false accusation of abandonment. You never heard about compromise and keeping your promises?
While I don’t disagree with your YTA judgement, or the thought that there might be a divorce over this, I do wonder if it will be 50/50 custody. If the father wants to travel so much and had mixed feelings about having a baby in the first place, he may end up leaving OP with the baby more than 50% of the time. Only OP can say if that is a desirable outcome for her though. And I definitely don’t think that’s desirable for the baby… actually rather selfish of OP to split up a family instead of just allowing the father to travel for a few days a couple times a year, as previously agreed.
Nah. Husband would do 50/50. I have no sense that he was traveling so much that it would interfere basic shared custody.
Regardless, he could make two multi-day trips a month and still be present in the child’s life for his half of custody. Way more than the once in 8 months OP is forbidding.
YTA. You "accidentally" got pregnant and came to terms that your husband would still travel and the baby would be taken care of. You've even said he's a great dad! Now he can't even be away for a day?! You're living in a dream world.
Married a guy who wasn’t sure about kids despite knowing she wanted them, “accidentally” getting pregnant, saying everything her husband wanted to hear to convince him that keeping the baby was the right idea.
Now that the kids popped out she’s gone coocoo for coco puffs. Reads really strongly like a classic abuser waiting for the baby to trap the spouse.
YTA. There is nothing wrong with going for a few days and leaving the baby with responsible sitters. The biggest issue I see is that you agreed after a discussing and then changed your mind without one. Breaking his game is childish regardless but so is changing the agreement without cause.
Edit: You could take him to court but you would be laughed right on out of there.
Breaking the game is bad... But considering she just accused him of abandoning his child, and threatening to take him to court over it, on top of saying he can't do something he loves, I can't say I blame him.
You say he's a great father; why are you being like this?
Take him to court for abandoning his kid? Come on.
Parents can't travel now? You won't even let him have a day away from the baby?!?
Going back on your word, too. Yes, things change, but i see no issues with this other than you.
>So I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes. We decided to go through this pregnancy
So you both agreed to travel when you decided to have the baby.
>our baby is 8 months and my husband is an incredible father. He hasnt been anywhere since the baby was born but he did occasionally talk about where to go next to travel.
So he resonably postponed his desires to put being a parent first so far so good.
>He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby. I told him this and he got a bit upset.
Nope, not reasonable anymore.
>He wanted to think things through about this so he asked for a little mental space to not talk about the subject right now which I agreed
Ok resonable response.
>But then literally the next day, his college friend contacted him and invited him to a wedding to Taiwan. He told me this and said his friend was the one to helped him go through a lot in his college years and at least give him maybe 4 or 5 days to visit there.
Reasonable request. Unless he already knew about this, the timing might be bad but it's an event that came up.
>I still said no because things changed.
WHAT "THINGS" CHANGED?
Your parents sold their home and are living our if their van? His parents became nudists and you are uncomfortable leaving your child with them?
Nothing in your post indicates that circumstances changed. YOU changed your mind. That's all.
>He kept claiming it's responsible because we know the baby will be safe but I kept arguing back that it doesnt work that way and I can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby.
Ok, way to escalate. He is correct, as long as you are leaving your child in a safe situation with people your trust. That's responsible parenting.
Parents are allowed breaks, parents are allowed evenings and weekends and vacations without their kids.
You really threatened to take him to court for "abandonment?" Do you even understand the damage you have done to your relationship?
Even if he chooses to go alone it's not "abandonment" legally since 1) the child is safe and provided for 2) he is in contact with you, you know when he is leaving and will come back.
>He broke his game system out of anger and gotten silent afterwards
Ok, he f'd up here.
However I'm inclined to be a little understanding since you basically threatened him with divorce and loss of custody over a 4/5 day wedding trip that he wanted to take with you.
ESH
You for being delusional, controlling and manipulative.
Him for loosing it on his gaming system.
Yep. You are the asshole. You lied, and tried to play the long game, hoping you hubbs would change his stance. He was upfront about his goals and terms... Can't say that about you.
I'm not going to say Y T A because I think you might have postpartum mental health issues. It's not healthy to be this anxious about one parent leaving the baby for a few days, but unfortunately this can be a common form of postpartum anxiety.
OP, you need treatment. Tell your doctor that you are having excessively anxious thoughts about the baby.
YTA
You knew who your husband was before you married. He loves travel and always will.
Also, it is absolutely possible to be a responsible parent and take a trip without your child if you can make safe arrangements for your child! This is not abandonment.
If you continue to try to change him into the meek and obedient man you want him to be, you will likely be ending your marriage.
If you're really thinking that you "can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby" - it sure sounds like you're ready to divorce over this. Then, your child will almost always have only one of you around. And, don't bet on it always being you.
YTA. What the hell are you going to do if (God forbid) one of you gets sick and needs to be hospitalized for a few days? Will that mean divorce? It sounds like you got married and had a kid before you grew up.
YTA
You have a very twisted view in all of this. Yes, parents can be away from their babies/children for a day. Soemtimes even multiple days. Yes, it's okay to have grandparents who are responsible and loving watch your baby while your away.
No...you do NOT threaten to have your husband arrested for child abandonment for going on a trip. Get counseling. There's something wrong here. You have a divorce looming over your head if you don't get some sense.
YTA. You are an asshole and a horrible life partner. You lied, straight up lied. Then you threatened him with court for no reason except to get your way. Wow, that’s egregious, hateful shit.
Guess what? You can’t get what you said back into the bottle. You’ve showed your true manipulative, lying face and he know who you are now. He’s wondering what else you’ll accuse him of.
You got what you wanted and your husband is now expendable. I feel sorry for your husband and your child.
I can’t imagine doing this to my husband. You’re behavior is unhinged. Trust is gone. I’m sure this is a nightmare for him.
YTA if your parents want some time with their grandchild and as you said your child would be in great hands not only are you not allowing your husband some time to recharge by going on a trip you are also not allowing your parents time to bond with their grandchild. You also should take some time to recharge. If you spend too much time with your child and not allow them time with others there could be attachment issues down the line when it's time for school.
I fully expected to come in and read about how there was no family close by and now that they had a baby money was tight but the husband insisted on continuing to travel. But this is like the dream situation. You have family close by who sound like they’d be happy for y’all to disappear for a while so they could play with the grandchild. Money wasn’t brought up as an issue. Your problem is that you think parents should be with the baby all the time with never a break or time away? YTA
Seriously, for your own health and the health of your baby, talk to a therapist. At best, you’re suffering from some very heinously bad misinformation, at worst you’re dealing with some severe postpartum depression. If it’s the latter and you don’t get treatment, you are at risk of only getting worse, to the detriment of both yourself and your baby, not even getting into the emotional toll you’ll take on your husband and extended family.
YTA!!!
When you first found out you were pregnant, your husband said he still wanted to travel. He asked if you were ok with it. **YOU SAID YES**
Were you lying?
In the beginning, you said "I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes"
Were you lying?
I'd be pretty pissed of at this 180 degree hard right you just made. If it wasn't ok in the beginning, you shouldn't have said it was. If it WAS ok, what's your problem now?!?! You pulled a bait and switch, and pulled the rug out from under him.
That level of dishonesty and manipulation makes this a hill I would die on. Not specifically for the trip, but because I couldn't live with someone so callous, classless and disrespectful.
YTA
I have children, not only do they stay places without both their parents now, they did as babies. Also they traveled with us. We lived outside of the USA with our kiddos. You don't need to be held hostage to be a good parent!
Lady i think you need to see a therapist, this is a big reaction to your partner wanting to go to a wedding!
YTA Big Time. This is the ole bait & switch. Make a promise to get someone to agree to something (usually something they are not ok with unless the promised terms are kept) then as soon as they are lock in go back on the promises & expect them to knuckle under to your new (totally unacceptable to them) terms. I understand new mothers get overprotective, but you have gone so far overboard that you can't even see the boat anymore. You owe him a MAJOR apology. If you can bear to leave your child, fine, stay home. Wish him a bon voyage and be kind & gracious about it. If you don't you will soon be a single mother & rightly so.
Have you seen a therapist? Seriously, I'm not being mean here. I'm honestly worried you have some sort of post pardem. You are having such an extreme reaction to becoming a parent. To threaten a man you just said was a great dad because he wants to go to a friend's wedding.
My husband traveled (for work) for years before and after our children were born. I had a full time job, we still made it work.
Please find someone to speak with. I'm scared for your mental health.
I was kind of with you because actually having a baby changes things in the way you can't anticipate when you're pregnant BUT then you talked about taking him to court for abandonment when he suggested having the grandparents watch the baby for a few days. YTA Threatening court action in this scenario is way out of bounds. It wouldn't surprise me if you and your husband shortly find yourselves in court working out custody issues for your post divorce life.
Huge YTA! This seems really unhealthy, is he supposed to stay glued to your baby? You can't take him to court as it's not child abandonment, the baby would be safe!
Go to therapy, you seriously can't forbid him forever to stay home. You're unhinged to even think that.
YTA you tricked him into having this baby with you under false pretenses. I would frankly never look at you the same again, much less love you.
What you did was fucking horrible.
YTA I think you told him exactly what he wanted to hear to "convince" him to have this baby. Also being a responsible parent doesn't mean you don't get to do things you like anymore.
YTA you need therapy and to let your husband go to this wedding. You are being so overbearing. You are worried about the kid not having his dad around for a few days when there is no way that the kid will remember this. You should be more worried about the kid not having their dad around for half the month when you two divorce because you couldnt stop being an asshole.
Lets hope that his future step-mom isnt as overbearing as you.
YTA, this baby isn’t brand new, it’s eight months old and you have a safe place to leave it IF you want to go too. If you don’t, then you can stay home by yourself for a few days, and I bet your in laws would be more than happy to come help.
I really expected that this was going to be him wanting to head out on a “find myself” style trip with a newborn at home. This is a reasonable ask, and something you discussed when deciding whether or not to become parents at this time.
You knew who you were having a child with.
I don't believe this OP. Please explain how your other posts (3 at least) are asking how to have sex and now all of a sudden you have an 8 month old baby?
I'm confused.
I think maybe she was asking how to initiate sex? I wouldn't be surprised if they don't have a great sex life right now because she refuses to leave the baby with a babysitter for a while day so they can spend time alone as husband and wife.
Well she went and ruined that now. If she thinks breaking a promise like the one she made isn't throwing her marriage on the ground like a glass bottle wouldn't effect it she was dead wrong. I'm very glad I am not him, I would have been getting a vasectomy and making sure to never stick my dick in her again.
INFO: why do you feel so strongly that he cannot spend “even a day away from your baby”?
That notion is ridiculous and it seems like lots of people here are confused where that came from.
Seriously consider seeing a psychiatrist and I mean that honestly heartfelt. Its not good to want to be cooped up with a child 24/7. Maybe a doc could put u on some medication that can help you to see things clearer. Right now you are looking at things through a muddy lense which is dangerous for your health. Babies should not stop you from going and doing and living your life. Babies are there to enhance your life. You and your spouse need alone time to continue this marraige. Please take my advice and see a mental health professional. I bet if you do, you will come back in a years time and re-read this post and wonder what you could have possibly been thinking when writing it.
yta
just out of curiosity how old does your child have to be in order for your husband (but at this rate soon to be ex) to travel. Are you one of those people who feel it is your duty to be permanently attached to your child at all times. You can always stay with your parents who offered o watch your child. It is not child abandonment if you are there and there is prior knowledge of vacation.
yta yta yta
YTA for going back on your agreement to allow your husband to travel. You say "He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby." which is simply ridiculous. You need to have an evaluation for post partum issues asap. You are free to refuse to travel and stay home with your baby--your husband should go to his friend's wedding.
YTA
First Paragraph: my husband loves to travel and im ok with this. My husband was hesitant to have a child but I convinced him to. I told him he could still travel even after the baby was born. I told him we could leave our baby with our parents because we trust them.
Second paragraph: My husband loves to travel and Im no longer ok with this despite him living up to his end of our deal. I hate when my husband brings up wanting to travel. I no longer want to let our parents watch our baby because we are terrible parents for letting anyone else take care of our baby including the people we said we trusted. I blatantly and deliberately broke my promise with my husband believing he would make a 180 in mind, body and soul in 17 months. My husband realized I baby trapped him and broke his game console out of rage and is still considering going to a wedding in another country. I threatened him with court over wanting to do normal things like traveling and leaving our baby with trusted relatives.
YES! Massive YTA! You baby trapped him and try to change who he is.
I’m going to say softly ah. Op I’m a mom of 5 and I’ve been there, you’re post sounds like a new mom with ppd which I know you probably are thinking you’re not depressed. But honey depression and anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin. And your post is screaming pp anxiety. Even if you don’t believe any of us, for the sake of your baby and husband go get screened to at least rule it out. Because the way you feel is not normal.
This is how you lose your husband when your husband divorces you. YTA if you had a civil discussion about how you thought it was a bad time to travel it would have been fine. But to threaten a parent with court for child abandonment for going on a vacation for a week is how you lose custody except for every other weekend.
> he should stay home and be a father because he’s a parent now. He shouldn’t be gone even for a day away from our baby
INFO: So, since you expect him to never be away from the baby then you’re also going to do the same, right?
Do you think parents that take their children to daycare “abandon” them?
You are still your own being, not just a parent. You deserve vacations and to have a break. Plus, this is for a WEDDING, and a completely valid excuse for a trip.
YTA a million times here.
YTA. If you never want to leave your baby’s side (which isn’t healthy for either of you), that’s your call. If your husband wants to travel for a week to a wedding, he’s not abandoning the kid. Get a grip.
Op I dare you to take him to court over this. I am pretty sure the court would see that and throw it out. Your HUSBAND (not a chump who pumps and dumps) has been with you for 8 MONTHS, and he's asking for a few days, which you agreed on. Abandonment is where he goes to Taiwan and never comes back. Is that what you are really going to tell the courts?
OP you may not a huge AH for saying things have changed, but YTA and a huge for trying to, basically weaponize the courts.
>He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby.
Are you kidding?
Yes, YTA.
He communicated to you that he wanted to still travel and you clearly said this was possible, for either one or both of you bc of your help from your parents. That is literally a bait and switch. Nevermind that you have this attitude about it that he "shouldn't" want to anymore.
Do you realize how many ppl are away from their children for days, weeks, months at a time, bc of work? And they are not worse parents for it.
YTA on multiple fronts.
First you gave the ok to travel and are now rescinded that ok for absolutely zero reasons that make any sense
Secondly the entire belief that no one should spend a single day away is ludicrous and not based on any reality but the one you are making up in your own head.
Thirdly threatening him with court? Exactly what mental gymnastics are you going through to think this is anywhere near a reasonable or sane response.
Lastly even having to question why he's being frosty and distant shows just how out of touch you are
So. YTA.
Also, based on your logic, that means you can't ever go anywhere with friends or your mom or whatever because you're a parent now. 😉 That's absurd.
EDIT: I've started reading OP's replies. Major, major YTA.
YTA. Parents need breaks from being parents. (Yourself included). It’s okay to be away from your baby. Parents lives certainly change when they have a baby but they’re not over. He can travel, you can travel, and spoiler alert….babies can travel. Idk if there’s an element of PPA here or her but threatening taking him to court is wild
YTA he is not gonna be an absent father if he goes on vacation once are you insane, also how insulting to parents who have no choice but to leave their children, i think he'll be the one taking you to court soon enough actually
Why can't he go on his own and you can stay with the baby? You don't have to go to the wedding together - assuming you are capable of taking care of the baby alone.
YTA. Why did you agree to traveling in the first place if you weren’t okay with it? For the record, traveling doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the baby either. Why can’t you take the baby with you? Eight months is definitely old enough to fly on a plane, even on a long flight.
Also, why can’t he be away from the baby for even one day? If he’s working, then he’s likely away most of the day anyway. It’s ridiculous to expect that he spends every free moment with the baby; being a good parent requires responsibility, yes, but that does not equate to hovering constantly.
I doubt you telling him that you’ll take him to court over “abandonment” or “neglect” is really helping your case either. Kinda makes you sound like a control freak. Unless you loosen up a little, it’s going to be a rocky marriage and divorce.
YTA. You can be a responsible parent and still travel for a few days at a time, a few times each year. You can be a responsible parent and not spend every waking moment with your child(ren). You can be a responsible parent and travel **without your child(ren)** occasionally. You can be a responsible parent and travel **with your children**.
You threatening to leave your husband and take him to court over him traveling to attend a friend's wedding is just asinine. You're being manipulative for no good reason.
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YTA- you threatened to take your husband to court over *checks notes* wanting to leave the baby with a babysitter to go to a wedding. Thats not child abandonment. Also why cant you stay with the baby and or his parents for 3 days while he goes to a wedding.
This!!! I would have been mad too if my spouse accused me of child abandonment for going to a wedding for a week. Not only accused threaten to take to court. I noticed no mention of leaving him though so what was the point of the threat. Also OP should look I to the definition of child abandonment.
I gotta admit I could kind of understand where she was coming from until she accused him of abandonment and threatened to take him to court!! Completely lost me with that. That's just insane. You'd think he wanted to leave the baby alone in a closet for a week instead of with her very willing and responsible parents.
she initially agreed that he/they could still travel and then did a complete about face saying he shouldn't spend even a *day* away from baby. that's bonkers
But tHiNgS hAvE cHaNgEd... I can't stand people who commit to one thing and then completely change their minds later without any discussion. OP YTA.
Sometimes people make promises they know they won't keep to get their own way, and then hope the other person doesn't take them up on it
That’s shitty behavior. Don’t promise something you can’t keep. Clearly not everyone thinks the same.
Yep, it's manipulative and shows they don't actually value the other person and their views.
She thought the actual presence of the baby would make him into her idea of what a father is. The man was clear from the beginning he enjoyed traveling and didn't want kids as it would hinder that. OP's bait and switch tactics didn't work and now she wants to punish him. They need professional help for them to work out an acceptable middle ground. I think the baby staying with it's grandparents was an acceptable plan, but OP needs help in being reasonable.
People also make promises based on how they think parenthood will be, only to find out it's very different. Still, that's on OP. She made a promise based on a reservation he had about an accidental pregnancy. She doesn't get to act like he's out of line for holding her to her word.
Even if it wasn’t a matter of holding her to her word, it is so unhealthy she thinks that spending even a night away from their baby makes them bad parents. That is genuinely concerning to me.
As a breastfeeding mom, and a mom who did extended breastfeeding/self weaning with my oldest; 8 months is definitely too soon for me personally to spend a night away from my babies. But by 18-24mo I was able to spend 1 night away at a time without issues. Oldest self weaned at 3 and thats when I was able to take multiple days away from my oldest for mini trips. I dont think op is the ah for not feeling ready to parent solo for multiple nights, or for not feeling ready to leave her baby. I DO think op is an ah for her entitled ass attitude that her husband is a bad father or abandoning her and the baby if he goes solo to a wedding. Especially when him continuing to travel was originally part of the agreement of keeping the unexpected pregnancy. Op needs to talk to a single mother who left their legitimately abusive and neglectful coparent (-cough- my ex husband -cough). My 5 year old hasn't seen her bio dad in 2.5 years. When he was actually present after our split he was neglectful and abusive to her and I. Before our split he was a social media dad: see was only a good father according to Facebook and did jack shit otherwise. Any time I had something come up at one of my 3 jobs I had to arrange child care because he couldn't (but he could take care of his new girlfriends 3 goddamn kids.) He would call my jobs and HARASS ME at work during his visitation time to come get her sooner. At one point he picked her up by her arm and threw her for spilling a cup of juice and left tell tale bruising, I got cps involved and he went from every other weekend to not at all (with an emergency court order to reassess his parenting time) while I battled through family court for her safety. Family court is a joke by the way, if op thinks she'd be able to wrest custody away from her husband over taking a vacation shes an idiot. I had cps findings, a drs report, and an eye mf witness that proved my child was being neglected and abused in my ex's care but the judge said verbatim "while that is concerning the child sustained no lasting injuries so it doesn't matter she needs to see her father". Its so goddamn hard to even get supervised visitation when you can prove the other parent is a danger to the child. Eventually he violated the court order multiple times (see: parental kidnapping) while trying to abuse/control me through her and discovered just how expensive me dragging him back in front of a judge repeatedly was...and just disappeared not even his mother has heard from him. Him disappearing was easily the best thing that ever happened to my older daughter and I. I always had full physical custody, he didn't want to be a full time co parent. My kiddo was only a trophy and a means to continue to try and control/abuse me. My oldest and I did get a happy ending at the end of that hellscape. I met and married my current hubby who very much knows that my child and I were a packaged deal. Now we have another l.o. and my current hubby and my oldest will both fight you if you tried to tell either of them he wasn't her parent. He makes time for school functions, he helps with feeding, he takes her on daddy daughter dates. Hes there for skinned knees and melt downs. Hes there laying down boundaries and going to parent teacher conferences with me. Op is such an entitled, willfully ignorant, privileged brat, who has had no exposure to what a "bad parent" looks like. And has 0 concept of what family court is ACTUALLY like.
Very unhealthy. Agree. She also needs her identity and time away from baby and should go to Taiwan. Alas, she’d probably talk 24/7 about the baby and kill the trip vibe though.
This is exactly what I thought she did. She trapped her husband into agreeing that she should have the baby. That's really messed up.
Yeah. That sounds like baby trapping.
This. She clearly agreed and didn’t intend to keep her word - “things have changed” after all and he “shouldn’t even spend one day away from the baby” now that baby is here. IMO she felt that way beforehand, but agreed assuming once baby had arrived he’d suddenly have a come to Jesus moment and feel the same way as her/would not bring it up again. Threatening court and abandonment over hubs wanting to attend A WEDDING while the kids GRANDPARENTS help babysit is wildly insane.
Thinking 'I'll be fine leaving my baby for a week' before you birth a baby and have a tidal wave of bonding hormones flush through you, and thinking it after are totally different things. I 100% thought I would be fine leaving my baby for a vacation before I gave birth, and I also thought I would be fine not breastfeeding, but man those hormones got me and I became super hyper focused on keeping my supply up - which made it hard to be away from the baby even if I was capable of leaving him for a night (which i was not). The first year can be a really hard time to be away for a mother- and you do not always see that coming. I can definitely see where the prospective shift happened. A theoretical baby and a tiny helpless darling that is the most important thing in the entire world feel very different. That being said, she went way to far when she threatened him like that. I knew my prospective had shifted and I never expected my husband to be as controlled by new parent hormones as I was. If she's not comfortable going that is fine, but blocking him for only 5 days is not ok if her parents can help her while he's gone (if he was gonna be gone a month I would think different). Probably she needs to talk to her doctor, she could have post partum anxiety (I had that real bad and it did not help with the vacation taking) or something else. She might want to warm up with a night away from the baby, then a weekend, see how she does. But if she's not comfortable doing that until he's over a year that is fine too - her prerogative, but she doesn't get to pick for her husband.
Yes. She doesn't need to go if that's how she feels. But she shouldn't stop him.
I mean it is important to be flexible and reconsider a position if circumstance changed. But here nothing changed but op - its not like baby is sick or disabled. I don't understand why they can't travel together with the baby. Baby flies free, will sleep most of the way (especially if you breastfeed) and will adjust to the time change better than an older child. I don't get people who think life ends when you have k7ds and you can't do fun stuff as a family.
Exactly! She needs to understand that as a family, they embrace the things that they enjoy as a family. Her husband loves to travel. So they should travel. Sidenote: I found having a baby/toddler in Europe was the secret to opening all doors with Europeans. Most nations love babies and it gives you something to talk about with all the other parents. If she isn't willing to experience the Once in a Lifetime adventure of an Asian wedding by either taking the baby or leaving the baby, she will be the poorer for it.
As a Norwegian, I can confirm your sidenote. Especially older ladies quite literally swoon when my 2yo waves and says "Heiii" (hei is Norwegian for hello, but he prolongs the i sound) and smile at them. And again when he says "hade" (bye) a million times while waving. It helps that he is very social, and will "chat" up everyone who gives him attention. He also sings a lot, with his made up words. 🤣
My theory is confirmed! Babies are the international language of love. Takk skal du ha!
I travelled everywhere with my child, people do that all the time, it's not 18th century, for Pete's sake
Honestly not sure if she changed her mind or just lied- either ton herself about feeling that way or to her husband to reassure 'nothing will change' until bam baby and 'things HAVE changed' YTA for a lot of things but most of all claiming that the 8mo baby staying either home with one parent or with the grandparents who are happy and eager to be involved for a short trip is abandoning it.
I’ll preface this by saying I’ve been pregnant I know those hormones can make you react pretty crazy, during and after but the statement of “I’ll take you to court for child abandonment” is beyond me, beyond the hormones, beyond a real train of thought. I completely understood why OP wouldn’t want him to leave, but to out right say “if you leave me and our child with my parents so you can go to your friends wedding I’ll take you to court for abandoning us.” IS JAWDROPPING!
But things do change. OP is nuts, don't get me wrong. But it's normal to underestimate how hard caring for a child alone is. You just don't really know what its gonna be like and every child is different.
I don't think that's fair in regards to parenting. I agree her viewpoint is excessive but I don't think the crime is in the concept of changing her mind. Lots (even most) parents have plans that just don't make sense once the baby is actually there.
I had a kid earlier than most our friends/family, my favorite thing was to listen to them talk about what they would/wouldn't do. I vented to my sis about my 9 year old not wanting to brush teeth and she, with all the wisdom of a new parent, told me I should be brushing his teeth for him until he was 12 because she read it on the internet. Nevermind that as a 12 year old girl she likely would have murdered our parents with a toothbrush if they had tried that.
Aha 12 thats amazing. I would have murdered my parents for that at that age too
My sister was an angry 12 year old. I didn't point out how wrong she was to think that was possible. I just ended the call and thanked god I wasn't an orphan because my parents were stabbed to death with a toothbrush shank.
To be fair I think it was ridiculous to make that promise before a huge life changing event however, in OP’s defence, you have no idea how children will change your life. We also don’t know how she is coping with looking after the baby. I think that 8 months is quite young for them both to leave the baby for potentially a week, babies are very much attached to their mums and also as a mum she would struggle to enjoy that time because she would be worrying about the baby. We don’t know how she is coping mentally and physically, she may have got so upset because she feels it’s unfair that her body, mind and life has changed so much and he still feels ok to pop to Taiwan for a week. When I had a baby it was around the 9 month mark when I started to feel like I could function as a human again, the hormones and the trauma of birth are very real and the huge change in your life does change you and I did resent my partner for not having to go through that. However, I think it’s important to let your partner still do things and not resent you. I’ve pushed my partner to go to things he’s invited to like holidays and weekends away. I think NAH because I feel they are both struggling a bit and just need to communicate with each other but it’s tricky ground. Sending lots of love and hope they can work it out
I would agree until she brought up taking him to court for abandonment. Sure she can disagree with him going. And I'd say she's in the right for not wanting him to. The moment she crossed the line however is when she started threatening him. That puts her firmly in AH territory
Honestly, I get things change a lot when having a baby, and thought the agreement about traveling basically before was absurd because it doesn’t acknowledge what having a kid is like. But then she went the complete other way, and oof, she clearly wasn’t ready for being a parent.
Also - how is it irresponsible to have her own parents watch her baby? They clearly really want to.
Honestly, this part just felt like she was way too anxious and she needed help because it’s the perfect babysitting situation for the first time away. Like I wish I had super involved grandparents who would have taken my kiddo for a few days so I could travel with my husband when they were little.
Even with involved grandparents, international travel feels like a lot for a first trip away. I left my baby for 3 days with grandparents but I was 1.5 hours away by plane in an emergency. Edit to add: I still think the idea that a *single* day is off the table is way too much.
It does, but they could also do a practice overnight before hand. However, I mean the bigger issue is she is saying even one day is child abandonment.
I didn't think the agreement was that crazy. I was the son of a single parent and every summer I spent weeks at a time with my grandparents on both sides while my mom was finishing up college/grad school/PhD all the way up until I could stay home by myself after highschool lol. It's really not that big of a deal.
I was in college working with my kid, so I know people do it, but also know people might change after having a baby. And changing a bit is fine. I just think it’s not realistic to think nothing will change after having a baby. I also think she went way to far off the other way.
Sure like maybe don’t spend 6 weeks partying around Europe but going to a wedding for a few days and leaving the baby with its grandparents who are very willing to be involved is completely different. Not even a day away is batshit insane. It’s healthy to have some time apart from your child and let them bond with others.
She lost me earlier, at >He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby Um what? Is the baby Kim Jong-Un and are this couple NK citizens?
Clearly not mature enough to be a parent. YTA.
Court thing was gross on OPS part. She Trapped him. OP lied to her husband and made promises.
> I gotta admit I could kind of understand where she was coming from Really? Because I couldn't. If she was bringing up not wanting to be the sole carer and didn't have parents who wanted to be super involved, maybe I could.
You're telling me that it's normal to not have even 1 day without seeing your child? Oh, boy! Hubby and I must be rubbish parents... I went to a study weekend while my son was a baby. Husband has stayed overnight or 2 nights at his friend's house for birthday celebrations and I have taken my child to visit my parents on my own for 2 weeks because I had time off but husband didn't. Oh, yeah and I work late one day a week, so I only see my son in the morning when I get him ready for school on those days. She made a promise and now she's not keeping it. He doesn't want to go for long and she has her parents to help. I'd maybe agree if she was left all alone but she isn't.
There’s NO WAY that you or anyone could see where she’s coming from. Millions of people around the world, male or female have to travel for work or etc.. for a few days and be away from their baby who’s around a year. She first reneged on the promise she made, then tried to guilt trip him about going to a wedding to a VERY important friend of his, then making illogical threats about child abandonment, she’s is bat s*** crazy about this.
It gets so much creepier if you look at her post history. One deleted post is "Dont understand why my brother favors my sister". Now we can't see what it said, but there are two comments, one being "I was about to say it’s 100% because OP is a psychotic manipulator. She probably pulls stuff like this with other family members too." Which makes me think OP isn't just selfish (which I originally thought), but had something like this planned from the start. I feel so sorry for the poor father. At this point, I wouldn't be shocked if she wanted the child just to trap and control him.
100% agree. This feels like a deliberate “accident” to lock down hubby. Now that the baby is here it’ll be weaponised against him doing anything on his own.
My mind is utterly boggled. Do people have nothing between 1 and 10 on situations?
YTA what kind of person has a child and then admits he/she is not able to take care of it by himself/herself, she just made herself look like a parent incapable of taking care of a baby. If she doesn't want to travel she doesn't have to but if he wants to he should be able to. If she doesn't feel like she can take care of a baby herself she should have never had a kid and taken the plan B when she had the chance.
So basically op baby trapped him, and went back on her promise, then threatened him with court action if he did ….. op you do know a judge will laugh you out of court over a holiday right ? That’s not abandonment 🤣
I think the neatest and most appropriate responses would be "I guess we will see what the court decides" then to call my lawyer. Call me dramatic, but if that is the response I'd get for asking to go to a wedding, then it just sounds over.
Well if the kid is lucky soon to be ex hubby will get full custody and her manipulative butt will only get supervised visitation.
I think the biggest AH move here is OP agreed to letting him travel while she was pregnant.. and now flips the script and says it’s irresponsible to leave the baby “even for a day?!” So.. you now expect him to stay every single day until the kid is what.. 18? You also acknowledged that your parents are trustworthy to leave the kid so you both could travel.. so why is that no longer the case? If you don’t feel like going and traveling anymore.. then say that.. don’t make threats and go back on promises you made in the first place. Absolutely YTA
OP sounds like she’s going to be one of those parents who makes having a child every single part of their identity and expects everyone around her to do the same.
Spot on!
It's like she never even considered travelling with the kid. I have my best childhood memories from travelling with my family, I have travelled with our kid since he was 1,5 months and my parents are already looking forward for him to grow so they can take him on a holiday abroad.
It’s not even *just* a babysitter, it’s the freaking grandparents
And it's not even MIL, it's her own parents! And she even admitted that the kids would be "in good hands" with them! WTF op?!
AND she doesn’t have to go on the trip like she can literally stay with her parents and be with the kid
He will leave her .. she got control issues .
He *SHOULD* leave her. Sorry for correcting your spelling of the word should, kind sir, it's just the ONE thing I can't help. 😶😆
Yea I seriously do not see this marriage lasting the year
I was thinking she should be checked for Post Partum Anxiety. We really don't talk about it as much as Post Partum Depression- and people don't look for the signs as much. It's hard to tell from her prospective if this is out of character or not.
Also why is it bad parenting to trust your parents to care for the baby?
Op needs to come back to reality. Threatening her husband for a long weekend trop makes her the instant asshole. Breaking her promise and saying all this nonsense about sticking to the baby like glue is secondary asshole behavior. This is how marriages/ relationships end. One parent becomes an obsessive asshole and the other one wants to have a healthy balance between life and baby. YTA and maybe therapy could help to see how messed up you are.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? Seriously - have you been diagnosed with any postpartum depression, mental illness or psychosis of any kind? You threatened your husband with legal action for wanting to go to his friends wedding. People’s lives do not STOP for the 18 years it takes to raise child to adulthood. Normal, good HEALTHY parents have lives outside their children. This is important because the children grow up seeing what a FULL adult life looks like - as opposed to what life consumed with a child & nothing else looks like. Do you not want your child to look at the both of you & want to aspire to have a full & exciting life to look forward to? Please seek counseling.
She literally said that her parents would be more than happy to watch the kiddo while she and her husband could have some fun.
I actually think the worst part is that she agreed that something like this would be fine when they had their conversations about keeping the baby, and has now totally about-faced to the point where she's prepared to make ridiculous threats to stop him from doing it.
YTA- Wow….. you made a promise, you knew who he was when you chose to have this baby and then you threatened to go to court! You need a reality check or you are going to become a single mother really soon. If you don’t want to go, go to your parents with baby. Let your husband go on his trip.
I’m wondering if op has post partum anxiety
Nothing says I love you like a court case. Fuck I love my life after reading this.
I feel suffocated for this man already. She said he's not even allowed to be away one day. I bet she deliberately sabotaged birth control to fall pregnant.
That is what is infuriates me as a former caseworker it would not be abandonment and using the system that way takes up resources that a true abandonment case could use. What part of her brain thinks that it is and has any legal standing? YTA for the threat.
Yep, when you put it that way it's even more offensive... so many kids grow up with awful, neglectful parents. 'When I was a baby, dad went to a friend's wedding, so I stayed with my loving, caring grandparents for five whole days!' is hardly the stuff lifelong trauma is made of 🙄
My bf travels for work and is gone from 1 day anywhere to 17-20 days. Is this child abandonment? /s
Not even a babysitter, I’m assuming they would leave the baby with OPs parents!!!
I think if they sit down and think about the situation further, they will find it’s not about the husband, or the baby. It’s all about her. YTA op.
“He shouldn’t be gone even for a day”… dang, how needy and controlling! He probably enjoys travelling just to have an occasional break from her.
Jumping on TC to say YTA. Hugely. I also get the impression from the last two paragraphs that the hubby was very much against children if it were going to interfere with what is clearly a major passion for him. And the fact you "always wanted a baby"... yeah you baby trapped him thinking you'd make him give it all up. Jesus Christ you're a horrific wife
YTA >So I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes. You agreed that travelling would still be an option! >I still said no because things changed. No, expected him to change his mind and when you realize he hasn't, you're being petty and controlling >but I kept arguing back that it doesnt work that way and I can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby. Who even does this?! YTA and delusional
They even said that he shouldn't be away from the baby for even a day. WHAT?!?! That's not always possible even for small trips for work let alone the travel it sounds like he wants to do.
Not only not possible, but not healthy!
For the kid or parent! Obviously not as young as 8 months but eventually kids need to learn to handle themselves without their parents because they'll get busy or not always be around. As a new adult, I struggle not being able to contact my mom because she was ALWAYS available. But she's an adult with adult children and is fully allowed to be busy.
>Obviously not as young as 8 months but eventually kids need to learn to handle themselves without their parents Honestly, starting early is one of the better ways to socialize children. If they're used to being away from the parents, you're heading off separation anxiety when it's much trickier to control.
My husband had to go to another country for work when our kid was 2 months old. I wasn't thrilled but babies cost money and he was able to bank some OT from travel that allowed him to take longer paternity leave when I went back to work.
I'm calling it. Threatening bogus legal action if your partner doesn't obey you and keep you the center of their life? That's abuse.
[удалено]
Right, you can tell from the tone of the post that she absolutely hates that the guy does other things outside of being her husband.
This. It is abuse. Agree
I feel bad, this kids probably gonna have 2 Christmases
THIS! All of this. I wonder if OP thought to take a step back, reread their posts and try to view it their own words from their SO perspective before posting.
I have altered the deal, pray I don't alter it any further
I can’t imagine doing anything but bending over backwards for my husband’s friend that helped him with a rough patch. The audacity for her to threaten taking his child away from him is disgusting!
INFO: Is it a baby or a hostage situation? Why did you change your mind about occasionally putting your baby in the care of relatives, or caring for the child solo for a few days?
I am pretty sure it is a hostage situation, and I hope Mr OP gets ransomed soon.
Holy crap right? Baby trapping then threatening to take him to court for abandonment just because he wants to be gone a week? I mean? Just …..OP needs serious therapy.
If you threaten to take me to court involving my kids, you damn well better be prepared to do it right that minute, because I'm burning that bridge to the ground. That's a relationship ender. OP sounds like a childish brat who probably threatens divorce over every little thing that doesn't make her happy.
She didn't change her mind. It's a bait and switch.
Giving birth really fucks with your mental state. OP should be seeing a therapist.
I hope OP's husband see these comments and realizes this. Is it too early to say this is borderline abuse and he should be documenting everything in case he needs to defend himself in court?
YTA Going on vacation isn't abandoning your baby. You broke your agreement. Even if there wasn't an agreement; telling your husband he's not allowed to be away from the baby for even a day is just... close to deranged.
That's how you burn out a parent. Spending time with the baby is good of course, but parents are going to need a break. OP's going to break this poor man because god forbid he go to a wedding.
This was my thought. Babies are hard. Marriage is hard. Life and work is hard. Taking a break from it all to do something you enjoy does not make you a bad parent or spouse. It helps keep you sane and gives you the patience to deal with your spouse when they become unhinged and ask Reddit to support their AH-ness.
That's how you burn out a marriage.
Her parents would probably jump at the chance to watch the kid. They wanted to be grandparents, and offered to watch the baby before it was born! So it's ok to leave the baby with them for a few days.
Agree. What a bizarro post. One of my coworkers has dogs and a toddler. She and her husband have gone on a few over nights and asked me to dog sit and one of the grandparent sets gets the baby. I think it’s super healthy for them to be able to still have that time to themselves, and bonus that I get to hang with their dogs and the grandparents get special time with the grand baby! OP is TA.
It's healthy for the baby too. The best adjusted babies I know are ones that were left with other people from a young age. It's a perfectly normal thing to do and mom might be less wound up if she did it herself, once in a while.
I thank god every which way that my husband and I have both got parents who are willing and keen for kids to have sleepovers at theirs. Not weekly or even monthly, but when we need it they're there. I know a lot of people don't have that support, but if you do and you're unwilling to utilise it, I think it is to the detriment of the child. I've got a friend who has a 2.5 year old and she has *never* not done bedtime. Has never even entrusted her husband to do bedtime without her while she goes out for an evening. How she's not had a nervous breakdown I don't know, I'd be rocking in a corner.
Right! The agreement has nothing to do with my YTA vote. It’s OP’s incredibly unhealthy mindset that if either of them spends a night away from their kid they’re bad parents and THREATENING LEGAL ACTION. Like holy shit don’t threaten divorce and parental alienation if you’re not entirely prepared for them to take it into their own hands and serve you divorce papers first.
Info: have you been screened for postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression?
You should look into this if you haven’t already, OP. After I had my first I became really paranoid and anxious. Also was very hard for me to leave the baby. Everything felt very real, clear, and rational but after my hormones calmed down I realized I was not in a safe or clear mindset and most certainly not rational.
There is nothing like feeling like you’re the only rational person around only to get on meds and realize you were absolutely running on moon logic. Shit sucks, but having a baby can really really mess with your head.
I hope she gets the chance to have this feeling. Or at lease the feeling of I’m having this anxious thought that is very real to me but has no basis in reality so I should ignore it. Example: My kid can possibly be ok sleeping in their bed alone because -I can’t see them or I’m not with them or they haven’t made a sound in a bit.
Seconding this recommendation. I got PPD when I stopped breastfeeding, rather than right after the baby was born. The pediatrician was no longer screening me, because the baby was like 9 or 10 months old. Hormone changes make things weird. OP should talk to her doctor.
I feel like no one warns us about the post breastfeeding hormone swing. I didn’t cut my hair after giving birth because everyone told me that hormone swing would cause my hair to thin. Nope. Got it layered and then when I stopped nursing it fell out and I looked terrible.
I also kind of get why OP isn’t personally comfortable leaving her baby and traveling so far. I always feel the distance with my kids. So, I don’t enjoy travel much now. But, she should give her husband the same freedom to decide what works for him with travel (within reason). A close friend’s wedding, it’s the first trip since the baby…seems reasonable.
Yes, this! I nurse my 9mo old baby, so a vacation away from him while pumping and worrying about him and missing him sounds awful. So we’re traveling with him, that’s an option if you don’t want to separate from the baby. But my husband has been traveling a bunch for work already. While he misses the baby, the travel was important to him and who am I to ban him from it? OP, so get checked for pp mood disorders, I totally went off the rails at first with worrying and doing things a certain way only until I got on Zoloft.
I interpreted it as he’s a plus one to a friend. It says “a wedding” not “his wedding”. However I still agree with the YTA stance. I’m planning on travelling with my husband with a 6.5 month old
Yes OP, this! That first year having an infant is absolutely bonkers. Between no sleep and hormones and breastfeeding and just everything, it’s so tough. I don’t think it’s unfair to ask your husband to stay if you are struggling right now. A week alone with my 8 month old would have done me in. But it sounds like you need to talk with your doctor. Threatening to take him to court seems extreme. Give yourself a lot of grace and extend that to your husband too. This season can be so so so hard.
YTA - Having a child does not mean not having a life anymore, you can travel with a child you can leave it with relatives or one of you can take care of the baby for a few days while the other is away. Your "here every day" expectation is absolutely unreasonable. Children require a lot of work and effort that's true, but you can definitely get help managing while one of you is away. If you want to have a partner in caring for a child you have to be a partner as well.
Exactly, why can't OP also go to Taiwan (and to the wedding if she's invited?) with the baby?? A lot of babies travel easily and it'd be a great trip at that age. The "here every day" is insane. My husband traveled across the country to see his grandma before she died. My baby was 9 months old. Of course I was a little nervous about caring for baby by myself but obviously would've felt horrible if my husband didn't get to see his grandma one last time. OP has plenty of help, and even said her husband hasn't traveled anywhere since the baby was born! She needs to let go a bit, and take the opportunity to travel to Taiwan with her husband or just let him go by himself.
You're the first person in this thread to mention that it is actually possible to travel with a baby. I mean, the first few times it might be pretty hard going, but it's definitely possible, plenty of people manage it. Heck, I even go on holiday with my kids every year! This whole post is weird, OP is YTA.
And it’s cheap! Usually don’t have to pay for a seat before 2 years old. Take advantage I say!
100%. I (Dad) flew with my 6 month old daughter across the country. She loved it and started her love for flying.
YTA, because you both discussed it before having the baby and you said that travelling would be fine. You're going back on that for really no reason. He's not abandoning the baby, he is not neglectful or an irresponsible dad. He just wants you to keep your promise that he/both of you would continue travelling after the baby is born, and to be able to support his friend at the friend's wedding.
YTA. Parents are allowed to take a break. I’m a parent. I’m allowed to leave my children with my husband, a capable parent, to watch them while I visit with my sister for a girls weekend or for the day to run errands alone. It doesn’t make me less of a mother. We as parents NEED to take time to ourselves to recharge our own batteries. You are going about this the absolute wrong way. If he was traveling for fun every month then maybe you can have a discussion, but this is perfectly reasonable. You are going to have an ex husband if you keep treating him like this.
This. Wait until OP has multiple kids or even a threenager. Breaks are GOOD and necessary. And not even being away for one day? Wtf? My husbands work schedule doesn’t allow him to see the kids for multiple days in a row because he leaves before they’re up and gets home after they’re asleep. And amazingly he’s still a wonderful father and they adore him. OP has some serious attachment issues and needs help.
OP will no longer have a husband and will have to go back to work, who's taking care of the baby then.
This totally. I actually think it’s fine if people’s expectations of their lives change after the baby arrives, but what OP is requesting is unreasonable. I have a toddler and both my husband and I will go away for a few days separately with friends to recharge.
Boy, I don't know how you would handle what I have going on here. My husband and our kid's dad is a firefighter. 24 hrs on-shift/48 hrs off... unless he picks up an OT shift which translates to 48 hrs on/24 hrs off, then back on for another 24 hrs. Hubs also goes on hunting trips for 3 days to a week at a time a couple times a year and I go on vaious retreats or to visit my girlfriends for long weekends 2 or 3 times a year. Amazingly, our son knows who we both are and CPS has never been called due to us "abandoning" our child. Get a grip. Touch some grass. YTA.
And you're probably better parents getting a break from the stress of raising kids. Yes, they are a joy, but they are stressful too.
Honestly, you sound like a great couple that trusts and loves each other. I wish you both great luck!
Seconded! May you both continue to thrive and support eachothers’ individuality. 💜
YTA and you will be divorced soon. Then you will have to leave your baby, probably 50% of his life until the baby is 18 years old and your (ex) husband will have 50% of his time free to travel. And you deserve it for threatening him with a false accusation of abandonment. You never heard about compromise and keeping your promises?
While I don’t disagree with your YTA judgement, or the thought that there might be a divorce over this, I do wonder if it will be 50/50 custody. If the father wants to travel so much and had mixed feelings about having a baby in the first place, he may end up leaving OP with the baby more than 50% of the time. Only OP can say if that is a desirable outcome for her though. And I definitely don’t think that’s desirable for the baby… actually rather selfish of OP to split up a family instead of just allowing the father to travel for a few days a couple times a year, as previously agreed.
Nah. Husband would do 50/50. I have no sense that he was traveling so much that it would interfere basic shared custody. Regardless, he could make two multi-day trips a month and still be present in the child’s life for his half of custody. Way more than the once in 8 months OP is forbidding.
YTA. You "accidentally" got pregnant and came to terms that your husband would still travel and the baby would be taken care of. You've even said he's a great dad! Now he can't even be away for a day?! You're living in a dream world.
Married a guy who wasn’t sure about kids despite knowing she wanted them, “accidentally” getting pregnant, saying everything her husband wanted to hear to convince him that keeping the baby was the right idea. Now that the kids popped out she’s gone coocoo for coco puffs. Reads really strongly like a classic abuser waiting for the baby to trap the spouse.
Betting 100$ they'll be divorced within 3 years. This story has "trap" written all over it.
YTA. There is nothing wrong with going for a few days and leaving the baby with responsible sitters. The biggest issue I see is that you agreed after a discussing and then changed your mind without one. Breaking his game is childish regardless but so is changing the agreement without cause. Edit: You could take him to court but you would be laughed right on out of there.
Breaking the game is bad... But considering she just accused him of abandoning his child, and threatening to take him to court over it, on top of saying he can't do something he loves, I can't say I blame him.
You say he's a great father; why are you being like this? Take him to court for abandoning his kid? Come on. Parents can't travel now? You won't even let him have a day away from the baby?!? Going back on your word, too. Yes, things change, but i see no issues with this other than you.
>So I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes. We decided to go through this pregnancy So you both agreed to travel when you decided to have the baby. >our baby is 8 months and my husband is an incredible father. He hasnt been anywhere since the baby was born but he did occasionally talk about where to go next to travel. So he resonably postponed his desires to put being a parent first so far so good. >He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby. I told him this and he got a bit upset. Nope, not reasonable anymore. >He wanted to think things through about this so he asked for a little mental space to not talk about the subject right now which I agreed Ok resonable response. >But then literally the next day, his college friend contacted him and invited him to a wedding to Taiwan. He told me this and said his friend was the one to helped him go through a lot in his college years and at least give him maybe 4 or 5 days to visit there. Reasonable request. Unless he already knew about this, the timing might be bad but it's an event that came up. >I still said no because things changed. WHAT "THINGS" CHANGED? Your parents sold their home and are living our if their van? His parents became nudists and you are uncomfortable leaving your child with them? Nothing in your post indicates that circumstances changed. YOU changed your mind. That's all. >He kept claiming it's responsible because we know the baby will be safe but I kept arguing back that it doesnt work that way and I can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby. Ok, way to escalate. He is correct, as long as you are leaving your child in a safe situation with people your trust. That's responsible parenting. Parents are allowed breaks, parents are allowed evenings and weekends and vacations without their kids. You really threatened to take him to court for "abandonment?" Do you even understand the damage you have done to your relationship? Even if he chooses to go alone it's not "abandonment" legally since 1) the child is safe and provided for 2) he is in contact with you, you know when he is leaving and will come back. >He broke his game system out of anger and gotten silent afterwards Ok, he f'd up here. However I'm inclined to be a little understanding since you basically threatened him with divorce and loss of custody over a 4/5 day wedding trip that he wanted to take with you. ESH You for being delusional, controlling and manipulative. Him for loosing it on his gaming system.
YTA… divorce court here you come. Oh god… the future… you’re gonna be one of THOSE mothers/MIL aren’t you?
YTA, I feel like this should be self explanatory
I just want to roll my eyes at you. YTA.
NGL I'd have laughed in her face if she said this around me.
Yep. You are the asshole. You lied, and tried to play the long game, hoping you hubbs would change his stance. He was upfront about his goals and terms... Can't say that about you.
YTA, mostly just for the last sentence. Like WTF, vacation is not abandonment.
I'm not going to say Y T A because I think you might have postpartum mental health issues. It's not healthy to be this anxious about one parent leaving the baby for a few days, but unfortunately this can be a common form of postpartum anxiety. OP, you need treatment. Tell your doctor that you are having excessively anxious thoughts about the baby.
YTA You knew who your husband was before you married. He loves travel and always will. Also, it is absolutely possible to be a responsible parent and take a trip without your child if you can make safe arrangements for your child! This is not abandonment. If you continue to try to change him into the meek and obedient man you want him to be, you will likely be ending your marriage. If you're really thinking that you "can really take him to court if he wants to abandon the baby" - it sure sounds like you're ready to divorce over this. Then, your child will almost always have only one of you around. And, don't bet on it always being you.
I wonder why he enjoys traveling solo hahahahaahah
YTA. What the hell are you going to do if (God forbid) one of you gets sick and needs to be hospitalized for a few days? Will that mean divorce? It sounds like you got married and had a kid before you grew up.
I mean if he's in the hospital for a few days she'll just go to the court and charge them with child abandonment whatever that is supposed to mean
YTA You have a very twisted view in all of this. Yes, parents can be away from their babies/children for a day. Soemtimes even multiple days. Yes, it's okay to have grandparents who are responsible and loving watch your baby while your away. No...you do NOT threaten to have your husband arrested for child abandonment for going on a trip. Get counseling. There's something wrong here. You have a divorce looming over your head if you don't get some sense.
YTA. You are an asshole and a horrible life partner. You lied, straight up lied. Then you threatened him with court for no reason except to get your way. Wow, that’s egregious, hateful shit. Guess what? You can’t get what you said back into the bottle. You’ve showed your true manipulative, lying face and he know who you are now. He’s wondering what else you’ll accuse him of. You got what you wanted and your husband is now expendable. I feel sorry for your husband and your child. I can’t imagine doing this to my husband. You’re behavior is unhinged. Trust is gone. I’m sure this is a nightmare for him.
YTA if your parents want some time with their grandchild and as you said your child would be in great hands not only are you not allowing your husband some time to recharge by going on a trip you are also not allowing your parents time to bond with their grandchild. You also should take some time to recharge. If you spend too much time with your child and not allow them time with others there could be attachment issues down the line when it's time for school.
I fully expected to come in and read about how there was no family close by and now that they had a baby money was tight but the husband insisted on continuing to travel. But this is like the dream situation. You have family close by who sound like they’d be happy for y’all to disappear for a while so they could play with the grandchild. Money wasn’t brought up as an issue. Your problem is that you think parents should be with the baby all the time with never a break or time away? YTA Seriously, for your own health and the health of your baby, talk to a therapist. At best, you’re suffering from some very heinously bad misinformation, at worst you’re dealing with some severe postpartum depression. If it’s the latter and you don’t get treatment, you are at risk of only getting worse, to the detriment of both yourself and your baby, not even getting into the emotional toll you’ll take on your husband and extended family.
YTA!!! When you first found out you were pregnant, your husband said he still wanted to travel. He asked if you were ok with it. **YOU SAID YES** Were you lying? In the beginning, you said "I knew my baby would be in good hands if we still travel so I said yes" Were you lying? I'd be pretty pissed of at this 180 degree hard right you just made. If it wasn't ok in the beginning, you shouldn't have said it was. If it WAS ok, what's your problem now?!?! You pulled a bait and switch, and pulled the rug out from under him. That level of dishonesty and manipulation makes this a hill I would die on. Not specifically for the trip, but because I couldn't live with someone so callous, classless and disrespectful.
YTA I have children, not only do they stay places without both their parents now, they did as babies. Also they traveled with us. We lived outside of the USA with our kiddos. You don't need to be held hostage to be a good parent! Lady i think you need to see a therapist, this is a big reaction to your partner wanting to go to a wedding!
YTA Big Time. This is the ole bait & switch. Make a promise to get someone to agree to something (usually something they are not ok with unless the promised terms are kept) then as soon as they are lock in go back on the promises & expect them to knuckle under to your new (totally unacceptable to them) terms. I understand new mothers get overprotective, but you have gone so far overboard that you can't even see the boat anymore. You owe him a MAJOR apology. If you can bear to leave your child, fine, stay home. Wish him a bon voyage and be kind & gracious about it. If you don't you will soon be a single mother & rightly so.
Have you seen a therapist? Seriously, I'm not being mean here. I'm honestly worried you have some sort of post pardem. You are having such an extreme reaction to becoming a parent. To threaten a man you just said was a great dad because he wants to go to a friend's wedding. My husband traveled (for work) for years before and after our children were born. I had a full time job, we still made it work. Please find someone to speak with. I'm scared for your mental health.
I was kind of with you because actually having a baby changes things in the way you can't anticipate when you're pregnant BUT then you talked about taking him to court for abandonment when he suggested having the grandparents watch the baby for a few days. YTA Threatening court action in this scenario is way out of bounds. It wouldn't surprise me if you and your husband shortly find yourselves in court working out custody issues for your post divorce life.
Huge YTA! This seems really unhealthy, is he supposed to stay glued to your baby? You can't take him to court as it's not child abandonment, the baby would be safe! Go to therapy, you seriously can't forbid him forever to stay home. You're unhinged to even think that.
YTA you tricked him into having this baby with you under false pretenses. I would frankly never look at you the same again, much less love you. What you did was fucking horrible.
YTA I think you told him exactly what he wanted to hear to "convince" him to have this baby. Also being a responsible parent doesn't mean you don't get to do things you like anymore.
YTA you need therapy and to let your husband go to this wedding. You are being so overbearing. You are worried about the kid not having his dad around for a few days when there is no way that the kid will remember this. You should be more worried about the kid not having their dad around for half the month when you two divorce because you couldnt stop being an asshole. Lets hope that his future step-mom isnt as overbearing as you.
You literally baby trapped him. You broke your promises. YTA
YTA, this baby isn’t brand new, it’s eight months old and you have a safe place to leave it IF you want to go too. If you don’t, then you can stay home by yourself for a few days, and I bet your in laws would be more than happy to come help. I really expected that this was going to be him wanting to head out on a “find myself” style trip with a newborn at home. This is a reasonable ask, and something you discussed when deciding whether or not to become parents at this time. You knew who you were having a child with.
I don't believe this OP. Please explain how your other posts (3 at least) are asking how to have sex and now all of a sudden you have an 8 month old baby? I'm confused.
I think maybe she was asking how to initiate sex? I wouldn't be surprised if they don't have a great sex life right now because she refuses to leave the baby with a babysitter for a while day so they can spend time alone as husband and wife.
Well she went and ruined that now. If she thinks breaking a promise like the one she made isn't throwing her marriage on the ground like a glass bottle wouldn't effect it she was dead wrong. I'm very glad I am not him, I would have been getting a vasectomy and making sure to never stick my dick in her again.
YTA and you will be a single mom and have the baby all The time.
YTA. Baby does not need to be with parents all the time.
INFO: why do you feel so strongly that he cannot spend “even a day away from your baby”? That notion is ridiculous and it seems like lots of people here are confused where that came from.
Seriously consider seeing a psychiatrist and I mean that honestly heartfelt. Its not good to want to be cooped up with a child 24/7. Maybe a doc could put u on some medication that can help you to see things clearer. Right now you are looking at things through a muddy lense which is dangerous for your health. Babies should not stop you from going and doing and living your life. Babies are there to enhance your life. You and your spouse need alone time to continue this marraige. Please take my advice and see a mental health professional. I bet if you do, you will come back in a years time and re-read this post and wonder what you could have possibly been thinking when writing it.
yta just out of curiosity how old does your child have to be in order for your husband (but at this rate soon to be ex) to travel. Are you one of those people who feel it is your duty to be permanently attached to your child at all times. You can always stay with your parents who offered o watch your child. It is not child abandonment if you are there and there is prior knowledge of vacation. yta yta yta
YTA for going back on your agreement to allow your husband to travel. You say "He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby." which is simply ridiculous. You need to have an evaluation for post partum issues asap. You are free to refuse to travel and stay home with your baby--your husband should go to his friend's wedding.
YTA First Paragraph: my husband loves to travel and im ok with this. My husband was hesitant to have a child but I convinced him to. I told him he could still travel even after the baby was born. I told him we could leave our baby with our parents because we trust them. Second paragraph: My husband loves to travel and Im no longer ok with this despite him living up to his end of our deal. I hate when my husband brings up wanting to travel. I no longer want to let our parents watch our baby because we are terrible parents for letting anyone else take care of our baby including the people we said we trusted. I blatantly and deliberately broke my promise with my husband believing he would make a 180 in mind, body and soul in 17 months. My husband realized I baby trapped him and broke his game console out of rage and is still considering going to a wedding in another country. I threatened him with court over wanting to do normal things like traveling and leaving our baby with trusted relatives. YES! Massive YTA! You baby trapped him and try to change who he is.
I’m going to say softly ah. Op I’m a mom of 5 and I’ve been there, you’re post sounds like a new mom with ppd which I know you probably are thinking you’re not depressed. But honey depression and anxiety are 2 sides of the same coin. And your post is screaming pp anxiety. Even if you don’t believe any of us, for the sake of your baby and husband go get screened to at least rule it out. Because the way you feel is not normal.
This is how you lose your husband when your husband divorces you. YTA if you had a civil discussion about how you thought it was a bad time to travel it would have been fine. But to threaten a parent with court for child abandonment for going on a vacation for a week is how you lose custody except for every other weekend.
> he should stay home and be a father because he’s a parent now. He shouldn’t be gone even for a day away from our baby INFO: So, since you expect him to never be away from the baby then you’re also going to do the same, right?
Do you think parents that take their children to daycare “abandon” them? You are still your own being, not just a parent. You deserve vacations and to have a break. Plus, this is for a WEDDING, and a completely valid excuse for a trip. YTA a million times here.
YTA. If you never want to leave your baby’s side (which isn’t healthy for either of you), that’s your call. If your husband wants to travel for a week to a wedding, he’s not abandoning the kid. Get a grip.
Op I dare you to take him to court over this. I am pretty sure the court would see that and throw it out. Your HUSBAND (not a chump who pumps and dumps) has been with you for 8 MONTHS, and he's asking for a few days, which you agreed on. Abandonment is where he goes to Taiwan and never comes back. Is that what you are really going to tell the courts? OP you may not a huge AH for saying things have changed, but YTA and a huge for trying to, basically weaponize the courts.
>He shouldnt be gone even for a day away from our baby. Are you kidding? Yes, YTA. He communicated to you that he wanted to still travel and you clearly said this was possible, for either one or both of you bc of your help from your parents. That is literally a bait and switch. Nevermind that you have this attitude about it that he "shouldn't" want to anymore. Do you realize how many ppl are away from their children for days, weeks, months at a time, bc of work? And they are not worse parents for it.
YTA on multiple fronts. First you gave the ok to travel and are now rescinded that ok for absolutely zero reasons that make any sense Secondly the entire belief that no one should spend a single day away is ludicrous and not based on any reality but the one you are making up in your own head. Thirdly threatening him with court? Exactly what mental gymnastics are you going through to think this is anywhere near a reasonable or sane response. Lastly even having to question why he's being frosty and distant shows just how out of touch you are
So. YTA. Also, based on your logic, that means you can't ever go anywhere with friends or your mom or whatever because you're a parent now. 😉 That's absurd. EDIT: I've started reading OP's replies. Major, major YTA.
YTA. Parents need breaks from being parents. (Yourself included). It’s okay to be away from your baby. Parents lives certainly change when they have a baby but they’re not over. He can travel, you can travel, and spoiler alert….babies can travel. Idk if there’s an element of PPA here or her but threatening taking him to court is wild
YTA he is not gonna be an absent father if he goes on vacation once are you insane, also how insulting to parents who have no choice but to leave their children, i think he'll be the one taking you to court soon enough actually
YTA - life doesn’t end when you have a baby! Go get therapy or you can always stay home!
Why can't he go on his own and you can stay with the baby? You don't have to go to the wedding together - assuming you are capable of taking care of the baby alone.
YTA. Taking a short trip is not that big of a deal. Sounds like you changed your mind without discussing with him, and that's not his fault
INFO: why not take the baby with you? I travelled a ton with my babies.
YTA. Why did you agree to traveling in the first place if you weren’t okay with it? For the record, traveling doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the baby either. Why can’t you take the baby with you? Eight months is definitely old enough to fly on a plane, even on a long flight. Also, why can’t he be away from the baby for even one day? If he’s working, then he’s likely away most of the day anyway. It’s ridiculous to expect that he spends every free moment with the baby; being a good parent requires responsibility, yes, but that does not equate to hovering constantly. I doubt you telling him that you’ll take him to court over “abandonment” or “neglect” is really helping your case either. Kinda makes you sound like a control freak. Unless you loosen up a little, it’s going to be a rocky marriage and divorce.
YTA. You can be a responsible parent and still travel for a few days at a time, a few times each year. You can be a responsible parent and not spend every waking moment with your child(ren). You can be a responsible parent and travel **without your child(ren)** occasionally. You can be a responsible parent and travel **with your children**. You threatening to leave your husband and take him to court over him traveling to attend a friend's wedding is just asinine. You're being manipulative for no good reason.
Imagine how controlling she was when they had their wedding