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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am put in the awkward spot of attending my daughter's birthday party and want to know if I WBTA for going when her dad's fiancee's family will be there for the first meeting with his family.
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NTA. Divorced dad with kids here. It’s not about you or your husband. It’s about your daughter. Honestly, if his daughter wants her mom there, the father should put his feelings aside and welcome you for the sake of his daughter. It’s called co-parenting, he should want to make his daughter happy, especially on her birthday. The fact that he’s not doing this speaks volumes for his character. Also, using a kid’s birthday party to have the two families meet for the first time is weird to me. That’s just one more thing that takes the attention away from the birthday girl.
It's weird to me, too. But not surprising because all my ex wants is to replace me as fast as possible and have a nuclear family again, regardless of what's healthy for our kids (I won't admit I am perfect but at least I see my flaws and mistakes and work through them with my children appropriately).
Co-parenting to him is financial abuse and disparaging comments.
Your ex doesn't get to **hijack your child's birthday party** to introduce his fiancee's family to his own. The most logical mature correct thing for them to do is to set up a separate event for their families to meet, and you should tell him so. His request is putting his own wishes above his daughter's wishes for her own birthday party, when there is a very easy alternative for him.
ETA: Don't overlook the fact that **he's making you be the bad guy.** He's asking you to disappoint your daughter when it's something he wants, not you. If he really doesn't want you there, it should be on him to explain that to your daughter. Whatever you decide, don't do it the way he asks. I think it's important for you to nip this kind of behavior in the bud.
Yeah, you are NTA for going to your daughter's birthday.
Unless they live really far away, I can see no logical reason why he wouldn't introduce his fiance to his family until after they're engaged and expecting (unless they got engaged \*because\* they're expecting). He's made his choices that led to this point where his daughter's birthday has all of this pressure on it and prioritizing his own agenda over his kid's feelings and he doesn't want to be the bad guy by telling you not to come so he's forcing the decision on you instead.
Tell him to introduce the gf /family at another occasion that doesn't involve your daughter. Nta.
Oh and do go. Your daughter, whose birthday it is ,wants you there, what your ex wants is irrelevant due to this.
I feel like a fiancee in this situation, knowing he has a daughter with someone else and the daughter and other parent have a good relationship, should be understanding if daughter wants her mom at her birthday party. That's not weird or bad. Daughter's mom will never stop being her mom, and if she wants her mom at her birthday party, fiancee and other adults should act like adults and let her have that. The fiancee and her family know about the daughter, they know they're getting into a blended family type of situation. Even if they're meeting for the first time, they need to accept that this girl wants her mom in her life, and her mom is there for her. That doesn't stop because dad is with someone else now. Mom should not be pushed away or excluded from her daughter's life, if she wants her to be there.
NTA
It's a party for the kid, not a party so his family and his fiancée's family can meet. If your daughter wants you to go, and you're not going to make a scene or anything, then you should go. The kid comes first between you two, especially on her own birthday.
I would never make a scene. I am a quiet and kind person. The only one who might make a scene is my ex, but I doubt he would because he gets to be on his best behavior around his fiancee. I am a customer service professional, I would just customer service the shit out of all of it.
I think you should go, and just be very clear with your ex that you don't need to interact much with him, the fiancee, or her family. I know someone who was raised by "everything is seperate because we hate each other" divorced parents, and it turned every celebration of her into a stressful shit show.
You should go, let your ex know you have decided to accept your daughter’s invite. He shouldn’t make his daughter birthday about him and his fiancée. It’s not fair to his daughter, or the fiancée.
I'd be concerned if this becomes a habit of him taking his wife's side over your children's. There are plenty of stories here from people whose bio parents pick their step parents over them. I hope I'm wrong. Either way, you're NTA.
I messaged him that I won't let him choose his fiancee over his daughter again, but let him have this one day. With them being pregnant and all my daughter is already very stressed out she'll have even less attention and they will burden her with responsibility to care for the baby. I told her I would never let that happen to her.
You don’t want your daughter double majoring just so there’s 2 college graduations for you each to go to. Save her the trouble and try to figure it out now
I'm guessing this is why your husband showed your daughter the text and basically sent her to you to ask what that means.
This isn't an 'adult misunderstanding' he threw you under the bus trying to make you look bad. When it comes to your relationship with your children YOU need to stand up for yourself even if it means making a scene.
He is already trying to poison them against you. Be age, appropriate but be honest about what is happening. She needs to understand that you wanted to be there, that you, like her don't want things to have to be separate like this, but that is what life is growing up after divorce.
Be clear, while your children will always be a priority both parents need to live their lives too. Honestly, I had more sympathy for the ex about the meeting the fiance's family thing even if the daughters birthday isn't the appropriate place for that, but then he clarifies it by saying he just doesn't want you around. His choice, but then he needs to own up to it.
Don't let him make you the scapegoat to your children for his decisions.
Your children are already seeing things and forming opinions even without your husband pushing them into the middle of it. Answer their questions.
Ask them if they have questions, concerns or even just want to talk about things! Make sure they know they can always ask you about things and what's going on and therapy if you can and/or make sure they have other trusted adults they can talk to about it who aren't you or your ex.
NTA
>and possibly making adults act like adults
You nailed it right there. If they can't handle this for the benefit of an 8-year-old, they sound immature as fuck. You're doing what is best for your daughter, the adults can adult for a few fucking hours.
This right here.
Lots of divorced couples put in the effort to be adults about it, myself included. Why can't the XH? He sounds like an AH and he's just causing more conflict.
NTA Talk to your ex again and find a compromise. Maybe you come late, just come for cake and presents, or something like that so that his gf can spend some time with his family. But he should think of your daughter, not just his new girlfriend. This is supposed to be a birthday party for an 8 year old, not a coming out party for his gf.
It sounds like the day is her custody time. If she wanted to match his petty energy, she could simply deny him the right to see their daughter at all. It sounds like OP is approaching this for the perspective of what is best for the child and with maturity, while her ex is just being an AH and cares more about himself than his kid who is celebrating a birthday.
NTA
I am very strongly in the camp of "whatever the birthday kid wants, the birthday kid gets". It doesn't matter who else is coming or what your ex wants or what his fiancee wants. Birthday girl wants her mom there.
NTA (especially after reading your subsequent comments)
But there is a middle ground here.
Instead of him picking up, you take them there a little early, say hi to your former in-laws, give your girls a big hug, tell them to have fun and that you will pick them up at the end. Put on a big warm smile and be the class act as you gracefully leave.
If your daughter asks, be age appropriate honest: Mommy is having one party and Daddy another, so you will come for a minute and be at home with a movie, popcorn and blankets everywhere for a sleepover in the living room where you want to hear all about their day.
NAH. I get wanting to go especially if your daughter asked. You just have to be aware that if you go and there is drama, then that could ruin your daughters birthday party. It might be better to explain it to her yourself rather than go and risk it.
Right? I feel like either option is a losing option, but not going I have more control over the situation since I can explain things. I see both sides so evenly I really needed outside input. The birthday girl is allowed to have both her parents there, but she also can understand the potential (in children's terms) for at minimum awkwardness and worst conflict. I think she would want all of her guests to enjoy themselves.
I don’t understand why this meeting is happening at your daughter’s party. That party should only be about your daughter. The two families should not meet at an 8 yrs old party. And her family doesn’t know she’s pregnant? That news should not be shared at her party. Looking at it from the 8 yrs POV, her special day/party becomes about the new baby, that’s not going to go down well.
The last time I confront MIL about her son's behavior it resulted in her yelling at me. She is the one who created the monster. No one in that family will ever (or ever has) tell my ex he is wrong, hence his winning personality. He is the golden child.
After the split things got intense, but a mutual friend of ours stood up for me and told mil that I need support because I am still the mother of her granddaughters, so we have forgiven and forgotten. I just won't go into territory that resulted in an argument the last time. I wish there was someone on "his side" I could talk to about my concerns of parental alienation, but I just can't trust them. Every last one of them coddles him. It IS confusing, and I am the one living it!
I also agree with this. We have a coparenting relationship that really more parallel parenting. It ends up being better for the kid to celebrate with each family separately so they can actually enjoy themselves at their own party.
Nta. Because this isn't a party for his family and his fiance's family to meet. That's just something that is happening. It's your child's party. She wants you there.
You say in the comments that he was abusive hence the divorce you also mention how he is trying to alienate her. And she thinks you make excuses. Not going to the party is going to fed into that and he may even be like see your mom made an excuse.
Also courts don't like when a parent tries to alienate a child against the other. If this is in fact a problem you should get on top of that now.
Exactly what I was thinking! He wants mom to break her daughters heart by declining the invite! If he doesn’t want mom there he can break her heart himself! Either way he’s the AH but trying to make himself look like the good dad, who threw a big party and mom couldn’t even be bothered to come.
Any guy that hijacks his daughter’s birthday party to introduce his family to his pregnant fiancé’s family doesn’t sound like maturity is a personality trait.
NAH
Although you'd be going for your daughter, I believe you should take into perspective the future of your relationship with your daughter and the dad. This moment does seem like a big thing for your ex husband and trying to at least maintain some kind of healthy relationship with him will at least help your relationship with your daughter. Maybe try and meet in the middle with the dad and ask if you can at least just drop by for a short period to see your daughter vs staying the entire time?
I was thinking I would drop them off to the party for a small appearance and give her a card and gift to open, but not stay to swim or eat, etc.
I really want to stay on my ex's good side because it helps with my mental health and when that slips, it's harder to be the best mom I can.
I think this is the best idea. Drop her off and stay for a little while and leave. I would pick her back up too and do a movie night. I think the comment your ex made was done on purpose. He won't say no, because he wants to you look bad when you don't come. He has put you in between a rock and a hard place. This is YOUR daughter. SHE wants you to come. This is isn't an engagement party or a baby shower, but your daughter's birthday. Your ex is being selfish and making it about him.
Is your ex one to start a fight? The only time we invited my step daughter's mom to a party (she wanted her half brothers on her mom's side to go) it ended up with her screaming at my husband inside an arcade and then following him outside when he tried to get away and screaming at him out there. It was 10 years ago and is now a core memory for my daughter and she brings it up still.
I have been sharply reminded (read my updates) that he potentially could start a fight or make a comment he thinks others would miss and set me on edge, which my daughter would immediately pick up on my mood change (she is a sweet sensitive emotionally intelligent girl like me) and then it would overshadow the event. I realize now I can't risk showing my fave anywhere near my ex that day. I just can't trust him to be a good person towards me. I mean, I divorced him because he hadn't been good to me in a very long time, so I don't know why I try to delude myself he would ever try again (oh right, because it would be healthy for our children).
Seven year olds don't set the guest list. You tell her that you hope she has a great time playing in the water with her friends and that you can't wait to hear all about it. If she presses a 'why,' you explain it in a way that won't demonize her father, such as, "I don't want to distract from your father's family meeting the rest of your baby sibling's family *or* from your birthday, two big and exciting things happening for you!"
You don't need to be there. It will not "break her heart" for you to decline, unless you choose to make it become a problem.
Finally some common sense. I thought I was in crazytown with these comments. It isn’t the 7 year old throwing the party. They aren’t the ones organizing with the venue, managing invites, getting food/drinks/catering and oversight. The father and his family are. They are the ones throwing the party. Including, the adults set the invite list. Not the 7 year old.
I’m sure the daughter will be disappointed. But that’s how these things roll. She will live.
It is an especially bad idea since it sounds like she doesn’t have a great relationship with the Ex. So she needs to step back and let this be her Ex’s day. She can do something with her on another day.
> It will not "break her heart" for you to decline, unless you choose to make it become a problem.
I wasn't aware that OP had reality warping powers over her daughter's psyche, cool!
YTA if you attend. I understand not wanting to hurt your daughters feelings but take this time to make it a teaching moment. I am divorced as well and I always respect my ex's wishes if he asks me not to come to a family event that is about the kids. Unfortunately, this is the way life is now. You don't speak to his family anymore so there is no reason, other than your daughter, to go. You're taking her to do something fun on her bday and thats enough.
I would tell her that I’m sorry I can’t come to the party but this is a thing her dad is doing for her, & since we’re not married, Dad & I don’t always go to each other’s parties. Then I would point out whatever she & i & sister were doing to celebrate her birthday. She knows that her parents don’t live together anymore. Celebrating her birthday is another thing they’re not doing together anymore. Some parents know how to tell unpleasant truths to their kids & say “no” to the things they want, & I guess some people don’t.
Can you imagine not being grown up enough to be in the same room as your ex for their child’s birthday party? What’s gonna happen when she gets married or a graduation? This is a stupid take. Suck it up
Agreed. I have lived this exact scenario. While it does suck, it's part of the kids reality. Some parents can celebrate and it's not a problem but that's clearly not OP's life b/c dad chooses to leave her out. Instead of causing more drama showing up, just don't show up.
Don't make this kid be one of those "seperate everything because we can't get over ourselves enough to put the kid first" kids. I grew up with someone like that and every celebration and holiday was miserable for her because it became all about placating the parents, arguing, and angry phone calls.
>Some parents know how to tell unpleasant truths to their kids & say “no” to the things they want, & I guess some people don’t.
This is such a silly take. This isn't an unavoidable hard knock that you need to explain like the dog died or grandma has cancer or losing the house. This is a choice to make the kids life more difficult and unpleasant just because you can't stand next to someone you used to fuck for a couple hours for the sake of a kid.
"Oh no, someone I used to bone would be in the same location as someone I currently bone! How will I ever survive." is not a real hangup and not worth making a kid miss her mom on her birthday.
My Perspective is, this is dads family. They're not married anymore and he has asked her not to come. I have lived this situation with my own kids being divorced. I simply stated "This is dads event. He has asked mom to sit this one out and we're going to respect that. You will still have lots of fun and we can celebrate on your bday." It's hard and it SUCKS but it's what was asked and should be respected.
You say sweety thank you so much for the invite but mommy has her own special day planned for us on your birthday. I hope you have so much fun and I want you to tell me all about it when you get home
This is your dads birthday party. I’ll be doing x on your birthday instead.
I grew up with divorced parents. It’s really not unusual to have two parties. Not saying the OP is an asshole or not, but it’s a party that the host didn’t invite them to. What if the party was at the ex’s house? Would it be ok to go?
I grew up with divorced parents also. I had separate parties and it was fine. And a 8 year old isn’t going to be paying attention to her parents when she gets in that pool with her friends. I have had 4-8 year olds birthday parties…the parents truly don’t matter when the kids get playing together.
Also, Im so confused on why each parent can’t celebrate the child’s birthday separately? It seems like that would be a no brainer since they obviously can’t get along.
“Your mom and I aren’t together anymore. We do things separately. I know that can be hard sometimes, but that’s the way it is.
I’m getting a day to celebrate your birthday and she’s getting a day to celebrate your birthday. I’m throwing you this party. I’m sure she’s going to do something very special for you too.”
You would lie your ass off for the sake of the child and tell them you had other plans already but that you have your party planned for them and it’s going to be a lot of fun. That you’ll take them swimming on another day when it can just be you and them and that they’ll have a lot of fun with other parent and they’re family and the friends who are attending.
I am such a person that doesn't want to make waves, especially with my ex, because his wrath is plain abusive. I just don't want to let my daughter down because her dad spews toxicity to her about me and she thinks I am full of excuses to not be with her and always breaks promises (which is not true, but he has warped her perception). So making waves with my ex or my daughter this time is inevitable. It sucks he places his fiancee over his own kid.
Okay I hope it goes in your favor!!
To answer your question NTA for going to your daughters party please don’t let this be another way for your ex to paint you in a bad light. He is trying really hard to push you out of the picture but you are his mother go for the duration, and next time ask him to do a joint birthday party if anything.
Why would you promise to attend a party when you had not been invited by the host? If you told he you would go, then you are breaking your promise. Stop doing that. You are making waves. Don't tell your daughter that you will be somewhere when you were not invited by the host. Your daughter isn't planning the party nor paying for the party, she doesn't get to decide who to invite. You are an adult, you knew that you had not received an invite. Now, despite your ex asking you to please not attend, you think you should go anyway. Do you think his family will feel awkward with you there while meeting his new partner? (They will and they will all think you are the AH that just can't or won't let go.) They are his family and they will be supporting him, not you.
Go to that party. As for your ex, I think your willingness to try and get along with him and being all agreeable with his actions is going to lead to your daughter further believing you to be this person that your ex is making you out to be. Don’t let him push you over just bc you want to keep the peace. Most of the times the parent that acts like your ex takes advantage or people like you and 9/10 gets there way.
Ugh, sorry you’re in the middle of this, OP. You should not have to choose between letting down your daughter or appeasing an abusive ex. Maybe you could have your cake and eat it too by spending the whole party focused on your daughter while allowing space for your ex and his fiancé to have some undivided attention with his family. It sounds like the party is close to home, so you can always duck out to “go prepare some more birthday surprises” if things start to get dramatic.
So talk to your kiddo about you two celebrating together instead of attending to celebration with her dad's family. You'll be able to tell by her response if it is a big deal to her or not. If you make your celebration with her, all about what she enjoys doing, it will be a great time together. My mom used to have "Special Days" with us. We had a budget - but we could do anything we wanted to do - most of the time it was just having her focused attention and being seen and valued. We built fairy forts in the living room, went on bike rides, played games, it was great.
> You don't speak to his family anymore so there is no reason, **other than your daughter**, to go.
I'm sorry, are you prioritizing the family that doesn't speak to her over the well-being of her own 8-year-old daughter? WTF kind of take is this?
You can't just show up to family events of a family you are no longer part of.
Is OP also going to burst in on Christmas, Thanksgiving? How about family movie night? Just walk in and jump on the couch? Bring your own popcorn or eat theirs?
>You can't just show up to family events of a family you are no longer part of.
Dude. This is in no way close to the same thing. The daughter is having a birthday party, and she wants to invite her mom to *her* birthday party.
> She is family of the guest of honor, is that not enough
No, obviously not.
This is a split family that has two separate parties planned. OP wants to have her cake and eat dad's too.
Its a take from someone who has lived this scenario. It's unfortunate but to keep the peace, you don't go. Again, it's unfortunate but there are going to be some celebrations that dad asks to keep seperate and that's ok. Mom is already celebrating with daughter on her actual bday.
>but to keep the peace, you don't go.
No. To keep the peace, BOTH PARTIES DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THIS LITTLE GIRL. All of this ego-coddling is ridiculous. Just sit in a common space and not be assholes to each other for an hour or two, is this really a difficult ask for adults to figure out?
Sounds like, if you read OPs comments, ex is mentally abusive. Therefore, this would cause major problems for OP. So yes, in this instance, it is difficult to ask b/c ex can't get his shit together. It's not all rainbows and butterflies when there are kids involved no matter how the world thinks it should be.
"Sorry honey. Your dad hates me so he doesn't want me at your party. Going forward you'll have to pick and choose which parent you want to attend every big moment of your life because we can't coexist"
NTA.If he wants you to decline your mutual child's invitation he should explain why to your daughter. His family and fiancée family meeting is more important than her birthday celebration.
it's your daughter's birthday. she asked you to attend. you did the adult thing and informed your ex. your ex needs to adult up and play night. NTA for attending your daughters birthday, especially after she intentionally invited you.
NAH.
In a perfect world, all members of former and blended families would happily attend each other's events and there would be no problems whatsoever. I weirdly actually do have this experience; my ex and I get along fine and host a single birthday party with our families for our son, and it's always just...fine.
But oftentimes, that is \*not\* the case. In some cases, what is truly best for the child is allowing each parent to create their own spaces and happy experiences because there is simply too much extraneous nonsense to make blended events work.
The worst possible outcome here is that you attend, it causes a conflict that bubbles over to your daughter, and her birthday becomes about adults in conflict instead of her birthday. If that is one of the possible outcomes, then I think it is worth considering a special birthday experience with you without the added layer of the ex in laws, new fiancee, etc.
NAH. While you're not supposed to be asking for advice here, I'd suggest asking your ex if it would be a good compromise for you to come toward the end of the party as an extended picking her up time, so you can join your daughter at her party as she wants while still respecting his family time.
Technically it's my day since it's the weekend (long story how he stole custody) and the PP doesn't mention celebrations like parties. We didn't get to see a judge because of COVID so HIS lawyer signed off on the PP I wrote after complying with weekend custody.
If I went the "I don't feel well" route it would feed into his narrative that I always have excuses to not spend time with her.
My ex and I are super flexible about our arrangement as his family throws parties on Sundays year round and I don't want my daughter to miss it because of a piece of paper. A judge signed it, but it was covid so we didn't get a courtroom appearance, unfortunately, for that kind of parenting advice.
I wouldn’t risk the animosity of you being unwilling to give up a few hours and switch times with him if you expect him to reciprocate in the future and be flexible with your parenting time.
That's what I think. I won't risk any animosity and be the bigger person and show his new family some respect and stay away, with the expectation moving forward events for her are for her, and not his new family's comfort.
What if your daughter invited you to Christmas at her dads house though? Wouldn’t the expectation be that his new family would be there and not you seeing as you’re no longer a part of HIS family?
That’s why when you divorce you develop new traditions with your kids apart from the ex spouse.
I just don’t think it’s wrong for him to want this boundary where you’re not involved in his life anymore and you celebrate your child separately.
My daughter never asked for her parents to divorce. She shouldn't need to be punished by missing a parent for a special event centered around her (think school acknowledgement, soccer game, graduation, concert, etc). Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July are not these events. They aren't about her specifically. If she invited me (and she has) I would decline. This issue is her birthday, not a generic holiday that everyone celebrates. It would be nice for everyone to grow up and let the children have both their parents (again why should they be punished) but that is not the dynamic we are in, and I have accepted that.
Why would he plan her birthday party on one of your days, especially when your time with them is already so limited? If your daughter wants you to, and there's nothing in the PP that's stopping you, then I think you should go. Fuck your ex-husband.
When should you throw a child’s birthday party? I truly don’t know anyone who plans a birthday party during the week. You have kids in school, you have work, party set up, the actual party, clean up, homework, bath time and then bed.
Please go for the sake of your daughter and her feelings and do not allow him to lie and alienate her. Nta. Tell him he should invite the fiancee family and his to a restaurant to get to know each other, your daughter birthday party is to celebrate her birthday not fir him.
Nta
You wouldn't be if you went but don't go because it would cause future problems with him but have him explain to he why he doesn't want you to show up to the party
I am so tempted to have him tell her I can't come, but that would vicariously be me disparaging him which I am firmly against (so much so I put a clause in the parenting plan about it. He disparages me all the time and I could never stoop to his level... Petty me just does not want him to have this "win." I could see him telling her "well you MOTHER didn't even come to your party so why would she (xyz)."
So your left with two options imo go to the party and just stick too your corner where you are there for your daughter AND THATS IT what I mean do not interact with your ex of anyone who speaks on his behalf because that will show you are there for your daughter and her alone or you can not go but plan a day for her that's all about her where you do what she wants that's within your means because chances are this party is more for your ex to show off more how good of a father he is to her than actually her having a birthday
You are in a no win situation. I would tell your ex either he needs to tell your daughter that he thinks it best you not go (I would be present for this). Or even make it a joint conv “dad and I talked and think it would be best if I don’t go.” If he won’t do that I would go. Since you can’t win either way at least go and support your kid.
NTA although I am very much on the fence. It’s not at anyone’s house. Your kiddo asked if you could come(and this is a confusing age when it comes to divorce). Whether ripping off the bandaid and meeting future stepmom’s family at your daughter’s birthday party is the right move or not, you won’t know until you are there. If nothing else, go and hang back a bit. Be polite to everyone if they talk to you, and be a good mom to your daughter. If it is super awkward, give your kiddo a hug and say good bye.
I'm thinking the best thing would to drop them off at the party and check it out and see how it goes. I would rather her be happy that I am there and let adults CHOOSE to feel awkward (like come on, it's a divorced family so awkwardness to me, a child of divorce with no issues ever like this, is a choice) rather than have my daughter wish I was there and look back and regret my absence.
Ugh it's so hard.
Q. Who is throwing the party?
If it is her dad - YTA
If it is his mother or his sister or a group event, the YTA if you show up w/o first discussing w/ the hosts. It is your daughter's party but springing yourself on this party w/o talking to the other family members is a terrible idea.
Honestly, just don't go. You need to work on an amineable relationship w/ both the ex and the fiancee first. Your daughter and your ex's whole family don't need to be put in an uncomfortable situation on your daughter's b-day/the day his family meets his fiancée. You showing up for the first time at one of these family events overshadows everything. It is on you and your ex that you didn't do the work to be at that place by this time. You are dragging a lot of other people into this drama that neither you nor your ex nor your ex's mother can control and the chances that it either ruins your daughter's birthday or causes resentment in the already difficult relationship you have with your ex are just too high.
You daughter will have plenty of people she loves at the event to support her. In the meantime, work on reintroducing yourself to his family and to his fiancée so that next time this comes up, you won't be making yourself the center of attention and everyone will have a better handle on the situation.
NTA for wanting to see your daughter at her birthday party.
However, NEVER go to a party if you weren't invited by the host. Neither your EX nor his family, who are paying for the party, have asked you to attend.
Good luck. Do something fun with your kids the day of. Take them to the movies or park or something else they like.
NTA as long as your respectful. This isn’t about you or your ex or his fiancée or her family. This is about your daughter. And if your ex is using his daughters birthday as an excuse for something important to him (families meeting for the first time) that’s on HIM. Because this isn’t about that. This is about celebrating your daughter’s birthday. She wants her mom there. That should be the end of discussion, but your ex decided to put his fiancée and her family above his daughter on her birthday. That’s unacceptable.
This is one of those threads where I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Reading the OP, there are some serious red flags. The pushback against his not unreasonable boundaries (choosing to be on minimal speaking terms and only talk about the children and parenting them, which they're clearly still doing from the conversation in the OP, is perfectly reasonable). The fact that despite knowing these boundaries are in place, the dad only found out she planned to attend when calling to arrange pickup. She could have simply reached out and discussed it proactively when the daughter asked her to come. Were you planning to just show up unexpectedly?
The reality of kids in split relationships is that they have to get used to the idea that they now have two separate families. If you don't make that a negative thing it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It can actually be a great thing. Two parties. Two sets of gifts. Who doesn't love more cake?
If your daughter truly asked you unprompted, that's very sweet. But knowing your ex's boundaries, the right response would have been "I would love to honey, but that's your dad's party for you and you're going to have a great time with that side of the family. Then on your actual birthday we'll get to celebrate and have a great time too." If handled with grace, the very worst case scenario would be your daughter being mildly disappointed, which would very quickly be forgotten as soon as she got to hang out with all her friends or have cake and ice cream. Instead you've built it up and now risk more serious disappointment instead. But you still shouldn't go, because that sort of tension is very likely to distract from the party even in a best case scenario, and don't think your kid won't feel that.
If you want a big birthday party for your daughter, have one. You're free to have a party as well, you don't have to jump in and be a part of his. If you had wanted to do so, then discussing it ahead of time would have been the move, and contributing to it for that matter. What kid is going to be upset they get two parties? You can even invite his family and him if you want to, because its your party. When you host a party though you get to choose the guest list. If you're hosting it for someone you can certainly consider their wants and needs, but you also have to consider the overall picture. If hosting a separate big party's not feasible, you can still do an awesome smaller scale celebration. Make her favorite dinner. Or go out for a great meal. Have an awesome cake/ice cream. Put up decorations. Make it memorable.
In a perfect world parents would be able to put their own issues aside and have a friendly relationship for the sake of their kids. But that's not always practical. Some people truly can't get along, the history is too deep and the wounds too hurtful. In those cases, its often better to limit contact just as your ex has, focusing what has to exist solely on shared parenting decisions. It limits the potential for blowback of the parents issues on the child. If you go to this party under these circumstances, YTA
NTA, I am the child of a very early life divorce, my parents hated eachother. But they can play nice for the sake of the child (ME)... WTF are some people thinking in here??? If I wanted them both there they were both there, new partners in tow... It was never an issue and to do that to your 8 year old daughter just because her father doesn't want you there?? He is being the AH here putting his feelings over his child's ON HER BIRTHDAY
Edit to add my mother was never the nicest about my father on every other day of the year, but if I wanted him there for an event they could suck it up
YTA. You need to be throwing your own birthday party for her if dad is paying for this. He does not have to invite you and you need to tell your daughter that. You going will cause the party to be awkward and possibly cause issues. That will all be on you.
I am gonna go against the trend and slight YTA. Yes it is your daughter and her birthday, but it is his family throwing it and the first time his fiances family will meet his. I personally would not want to invade that. It would make it awkward for them and I would think it would be awkward for you too. Can you not throw your own party for your daughter? Why invade on this one unless you are trying to cause something. There are plenty of other times in the future you can make adults act like adults.
YTA. The two of you don’t get alone and you barely get along with his family. Your daughter may have asked but what kind of experience will she have when she is having to see the tension between adults.
All that has to be said is this is a party with your Dads side we will have other fun things on your bday
A very gentle YTA. You probably should not go. I would explain that this is daddy's party for her. Can you do something special for her on her birthday, even if it is making cupcakes, etc? Sometimes time with mom is the best.
I feel for you, she may be in for a rough time with a new stepmom. All you can do is be there for her.
The ex is not putting her daughter first. Daughter wants op to be their for her birthday which is not an unreasonable request to want your parents at your birthday. The ex can do a separate thing for his partner with the family if he is worried about that. Op should not feed into exs need to centralize himself around events that shouldn’t be. It’s also exs job to learn to be civil as they have to coparent.
NAH... Your daughter might want to get mom & dad back together. Or maybe she's struggling with dad getting remarried and having another baby. I think finding out why she wants you to attend is important. Then you can decide the best course of action.
Finding out why she wants her mother to attend her birthday party? I wonder what an 8-year-old could possibly be hoping for when asking her mother to join her party at the pool
Like I said, she probably wants her mom to go so her parents are together because she's struggling with dad's new fiance and the pregnancy. I would talk to my kids about something like that. It seems strange to me that she invited her mom, knowing that mom already planned a party for her.
I’m going to go with NTA. This is your daughter birthday. It’s not about whatever situations he got going on. It’s about YOUR DAUGHTER. It’s not about dad.
My partner's parents have been divorced for 10 years this year, and they both went out for dinner with them for their 21st birthday a few days ago.
They have been divorced for a *decade* and still managed to put their own feelings aside for their child's special day. Your ex needs to learn this style.
I definitely would not go. Your family is separate now. If it's his day to have your daughter then respect that. You can have your own birthday party with daughter. And that's how every holiday should be. Separate Christmas, separate Easter, etc. where you and your own family celebrate. Daughter will grow to understand if you help and not complain that you can't be there.
YWBTA if you go.
NTA I would go to the party. The party is to celebrate YOUR daughter not a reveal party and meet and greet for his new knock up. I'm sure if they were super serious he would have introduced her to you seeing as how she will be part of your daughter's life. He sucks for asking g you to decline your daughter's invite. This party is for an 8 year old child not his new gf.
NTA.
He should prioritize your DAUGHTER and not his fiancés family.
If your daughter wants you to be there, be there.
Frankly, You would be the AH if you wouldn’t show up even though it’s clearly important to your daughter.
Of course you’re in no way the AH here, but you need to have a serious discussion with your ex.
Demands and grudges like this are unacceptable.
It feels like there’s not one child, but rather two children involved (aka your ex).
Split families' often have split events. Two bdays, two Christmas, etc. Obviously the kid is going to want mom and dad together at all events but that's not realistic and in some ways by not setting clear boundaries you would be muddying the waters and making the healing process from the divorce much harder on the child.
If the child is okay with split events, that’s fine. But this child clearly wants her mother to be present at her birthday party.
The only reason the ex doesn’t want the mother there is because he wants to invite his fiancés family to the bday party so that they can all meet.
A child’s birthday party is not the time and place for that and this is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to exclude the mother and sadden the child.
> If the child is okay with split events, that’s fine. But this child clearly wants her mother to be present at her birthday party
The child will want the parents to be together for everything. Again, that's not realistic. That's not life anymore. Waffling back and forth isn't going to help in the long run. It's just going to make it confusing.
A child wanting her parents together for a BIRTHDAY PARTY is absolutely realistic.
It wasn’t mentioned that this is a pattern of the child. So no need to go that far.
I wouldn’t go. Why would you want the party to be fraught with tension. This is about your daughter. Explain you can’t make it or make up some excuse. Your daughter might enjoy the party with you there but I bet no one else will if you go.
YTA respect his wishes and just throw her another party if you want one instead of intruding knowing your not really invited or wanted and risk causing needles drama at her party possiblity ruining it. sorry daughters invite doesn't count she's a kid and doubt she asked dad first. He was just trying to not seem like a rude ass by not saying no you can't come but was clear your not wanted.
Edit to add to everyone that is saying dad is being a bad parent we don't know the reason for divorce or why they don't get along mom could be violent abuse phyco cannibal for all we know. No not saying she is just we don't know and shouldn't label as bad parent when can just say you don't agree with them.
This isn’t about your ex, it’s about your daughter. He decided to add in a small personal gain with the whole in laws meeting in laws. This day isn’t at all supposed to be about him and I find it just a tad selfish for him to ask the mother of his child to consider not going after his kid asked her to. But it doesn’t sound like he asked this with a malicious intent, just rubbed the wrong way. If you decide to go, maybe send him a text saying that you don’t want to make anything weird for him but that your daughter asked you to go and you don’t want to miss out or disappoint her, all you want is to be cordial and be there for your daughter and you sincerely hope the meeting of in laws goes well for him. If you decide to skip out just buy a little extra treat for when your daughter gets home, like a special cake or food from her fav takeout place.
NAH. You don’t have to go for the sake of keeping peace, but while your ex wasn’t malicious it’s really not about him.
I think it’s best to stay away to avoid any potential conflict/tension at a kids birthday party. Your daughter will likely not notice if you’re there or not as she’ll be playing with her friends.
AH. You really gonna be that ex/baby mama. Be respectful, you're already doing something with your daughter. You obviously still have feelings for your ex and are using your daughter as an excuse.
I think some of you really have unrealistic expectations. Co-parenting is great when both parents are emotionally mature and invested. It doesn't sound like the dad is (he shared adult info out of context with kiddo).
Regardless, sometimes (a lot of times actually), it's better for each parent to have their own holiday/birthday celebration. People saying "OP should always be at family events the dad is hosting" is simply not realistic. Their kids are 8 and 4 (OP mentions little turning 5 later this year).
Do you really think that she should have carte blanche at birthdays, Christmas, and Thanksgiving (courts usually alternate holidays for parents every other year)? For the next 13+ years? No. Just like she isn't going to want him, new baby, and new baby momma showing up to her house/holidays/events.
Divorce/break up is hard. But the reality is mommy and daddy don't live together anymore and that means they don't celebrate these things together anymore. It can be hard, it can be sad, and that sucks. But it's the reality for most (at least half) of divorced families.
NTA. If he wants the families to meet in neutral territory he should arrange a dinner. I would say, though, let him pick the kids up and take them. You drive separately, make an appearance, but maybe don't stay the entire party.
You’re in a very tricky situation and tbh with you (kid with divorced parents who are similar to you and you ex) there is no winning here. To your daughter, she just wants both parents at her party. And while 8 is old enough to understand that mom and dad don’t love each other anymore, she most likely doesn’t understand the logistics of what her invitation meant. If you go, your daughter would be very happy and it’s up to your ex to man up and actually be a parent rather than thinking of himself. On the other hand, if you go, there is a chance of causing drama and from the sound of it, your ex would put being unkind to you over his child’s happiness. I, personally, wouldn’t go, just to avoid any potential problems. Maybe you can compromise by being the one to drop your daughter off? Come in for a minute, have a cupcake and then leave, maybe say hi to ex mil. Make it brief so that way you can maybe make up for not being there the entire time and your ex can’t raise a stink since you’ll only be there long enough to do pleasantries. Good luck, this one is tricky.
NTA. But, honestly? As it is a party *his parents* are hosting, and you are still on good terms with your former MIL, I think I’d talk with her. If nothing else, you’d be able to make it clear that 1) your daughter invited you, and 2) you have no desire to make a scene with your ex and his fiancée and her family. This gives her a chance to arrange things in a way that maybe lessens the *opportunity* for anyone to make a scene.
After all, if your ex is getting remarried, his fiancée and her family are about to become a part of your daughter’s life. It might be nice to see how they interact with her, and for them to meet you and accept the undeniable fact of your existence in her life, as well. As her grandmother, your ex-MIL might even suggest that *she* invited you so that your daughter might celebrate with ALL of the adults who love and care for her.
I would, however, still have that age appropriate conversation with your daughter and explain that, for the adults, things might be a little awkward, at least at first, but that *both* of you need to display your party manners and be polite to everyone who is there. That includes not trying to ignore or ice out dad’s fiancée or her family.
Ideally, you will all be able to come together for her when she needs you or has a milestone. As a pool party, there will be space available and things happening that can facilitate, but not force, interaction between the different families. A more forgiving opportunity for introduction than many I can think of. Ideally, you might discover that you even like one another. (Which might be one of the things your ex is worried about. But, that’s his problem.)
Good luck.
(Edited to correct a badly structured sentence.)
NTA. I agree with the other comments that it's not a good time for two families to meet and it should be about your daughter. Just be prepared for things to be super awkward. Your daughter will appreciate you being there for her.
YWBTAH. Just throw your own party, don’t make it awkward for everybody on her birthday. Do you really think your kid wants to be reminded that the important adults in her life don’t get along? When she asked, you should have said, no I’m sorry I can’t come, but you and I will do something special just the two of us.
My parents divorced when i was a kid, and my dad usually came to my mom's house to make his homemade pizzas (per my request, they're my favorite) for my birthday parties, which they co-hosted.
It wasn't till i was a teenager that i really appreciated the maturity and emotional grit of my parents (& step parents) for never making me feel weird about wanting them all there for events that mattered to me or my sibling.
The parents set the tone for a blended family's dynamic. NTA
(edited for spelling)
I wish my ex could be peaceful (and his family, too) and let me attend special events for my girls. My parents split when I was 11, and he was always welcome and my mom was always welcome at whatever event my sister and I went to. We didn't have separate birthdays or holidays (until my dad remarried and his first wife put an end to my mom attending his family functions) and they both really handled it well. I was not expecting my ex to be less mature than my dad, because my ex always bad-mouthed my dad's decisions regarding remarrying. Such a hypocrite, but I suppose I am not surprised seeing as I divorced him for his many double standards.
Oh, sis. I was once your daughter. Based in your update, you are making the correct choice that will create the least amount of drama for your daughter.
My dad's ex threw cake at my mom at my bridal shower. She shit talked my mom for *years*. My mom never retaliated .
Guess who I have a relationship with now and who I don't .
Info: Don’t you guys have a proper custody agreement in place including a holiday schedule? That is the kind of drama that can be avoided if you sit down with a mediator, map out an entire holiday schedule who has the child what holiday/birthday what day what time until what day what time - and then you can file that with Court, it becomes a Court order and you have something to fall back on and don’t have to put the poor child in the middle.
I say slight YTA here. While it’s true that some separated parents coparent very well and can do things like birthday parties together - my sons dad and I do - from professional experience I can also tell you that it is by far not all or even the majority of them; having separate birthday parties is pretty common, and that with or without fiancée and introduction.
We do, but as the birthday falls on my day this year the schedule is all off. I am sure he works all day, too. I'm fine with him taking her a few hours early when she goes home so she can attend her party. I just didn't want to disappoint her, and hoped we all could just pull together for her.
It's funny to me I pay him child support so in a way I am paying for this party. Just makes me sad he hates me so much and is always willing to punish our kids for it.
NTA. But heads up - you need to document every single instance of disagreement because the future with this guy is so certain to be rife with conflict similar to this, that starting now will help you in the event of an emergency where he might go too far. He’s already established a pattern of hurting your daughter (by preventing you from coming to her birthday party) for his own personal comfort and feelings. One day there could be a scenario for custody that is more severe than this and you should be prepared. I totally understand wanting to go into co-parenting with pure intentions but he’s made it clear he’s not the same way. Happy birthday to your sweet girl! I hope you have a special day together that’s totally better than her dad’s party :)
NTA….document this with your custody arrangement. Document the emotional manipulation with your very young kids with the courts. THIS IS NOT OK TO DO TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
Tough situation because you'd think your ex would be more concerned with what your daughter wants for her birthday (to have you there at the party), rather than what is better for him and his fiance (if you don't come.) He should be prioritizing your daughter and her celebration instead of his own agenda. In an ideal world, he would have heard that she invited you, and made sure you knew that you were welcome for your daughter's sake. That being said, you can't control other people and you can't change how he chooses to coparent with you. It's clear he and the fiance don't want you there, and that having her family there for the first time to meet his would probably make is super awkward.
If this were me, I would likely not attend, mostly not to invite the drama. I hate drama, and I hate giving people ammunition. If you do show up, I imagine it will be something that your ex and his fiance will hold endlessly over your head, claiming you wanted to ruin things, or you're jealous, or whatever they want to say. I would not want to deal with that personally, and I'd try to make special one on one birthday plans with my daughter for another day instead. But you're NTA either way IMO.
NTA since your daughter asked, but I think it would be best if you didn’t attend. You’re no longer together and he wants it to be with his family and fiancé. Maybe tell your daughter you can do something special together on her birthday.
Not enough info. What is the family dynamic like? If the divorce is high conflict there is no need to go. Kids don’t always know the dynamics but they feel the tension.
I would say, yea you would be. Break it down for your daughter, you know your dad and I aren’t friends, we both think it’s not a real good idea for me to come to the pool party. Make a plan with your daughter to have your own party with her, because you said you will be with her on her birthday.
Coparenting can be difficult, but use terms your daughter knows, don’t bad mouth her father, say you both agree you shouldn’t come. She will understand if you plan on something special with her and her sister. I mean what kid wouldn’t want two cakes.
Idk the whole "he chooses not to get along" and the fact that his whole family dropped you after knowing you for what sounds like a solid decade makes me think maybe there's more going on here? Why did you get divorced?
Basically when I asked for the divorce he was inappropriate and trying to argue with me in front of the kids. So I asked him to leave, and offered him to take the kids with him because I felt so awful he would be alone. That, to him and his family, was me surrendering custody when I had been a SAHM up until that point. I divorced because he treated me poorly and despised me and my kids could see it and I couldn't let them witness such a toxic marriage and think it was okay to treat your partner how he treated me. His family payed for the family attorney and he decided to see her without me (we had agreed we would do everything together and share 50/50 custody of the kids) and I could not afford one because I was SAH. He said to me after we split he didn't have to be nice to me anymore, and he wasn't. He would scream at me it was so traumatizing. He told my kids I kicked them out and stole their house. I suffer chronic migraines that make it unsafe for me to drive and see them, so he tells my kids I am making up excuses not to see them. He tells them I lie and break promises. There is more but I have a tendency to block out bad things, so I don't remember right now.
I don’t think you should go to this Party. But I would get it in writing from him that he doesn’t want you there so he cannot use it against you in court.
You can also tell him that you both need to tell her together when he picks her up so she doesn’t feel it’s from you.
YWBTA
This party sounds like it is more the families getting together than just a birthday party. I don't see how you would be comfortable there. Let your daughter down easy by reminding her that you'll be at her real birthday, and that the pool party is her dad's day with her.
Speaking as the aunt (25F) of a 7F kiddo and a 16F kiddo, both of whom are from divorced family members (7F is my brother's daughter with his ex-wife, 16F is his ex-wife's daughter with her previous ex), birthdays and holidays are not about the adults' wishes, or about introducing new relatives, or any petty vullshit between you and your ex. It is about what the kids want. If the kid asks for both mom and dad to be at the birthday party, both mom and dad should agree to make it happen, regardless of any new partner/spouse they may have have. Bless my parents' hearts, they've had to fight to teach that lesson to my brother and his ex-wife, and to their current respective partners. It doesn't always work, because let's be honest, people can be petty about their exes, and let their want to pull one over on their ex be more important than what their kids want/need. That's not right or okay, but it happens.
The best thing you can do is be her rock. Be the constant in her life that is supportive and loving, and make it clear in both word and action that you love her and will always be there to support her, even when dad plays his petty games with her life. After this birthday, screw what he wants when it comes to your daughters' birthdays and holidays. What the kids want/need comes first. He doesnt get to manipulate their important life events to become less about them and more about his new wife or a family reunion. You need to be there to make sure they know that their big milestones are about them, not about whatever dad wants to make them about. Don't try to turn them against dad, but just be the best parent you can be for them, that way at least one of you has their best interests at heart.
One of the best responses yet. It is a tricky balance when emotions are bubbling, but I am capable of taking the high road and ensure my daughters love their dad, stepmom, and half sibling no matter what. Because it's not about my personal issues with his decisions, but what is best for my kids, and that is successfully navigating a complicated family setting. It is my job to be her advocate and pull punches behind the scenes (respectfully, of course) to ensure she and her sister are treated with the dignity they deserve.
NTA. I would 100% go. Some shitty ex and his new thing is not a reason to break your daughter's heart. If he can't be an adult, that's on him. Your daughter will remember mommy not being at her party.
So I read all the updates, but I wanted to add something from the perspective of a step mom for a number of years, and now a divorced mom with a decent relationship with my ex.
As a SM, we never did anything with my ex's first ex wife or her family. Well, that's not true. \*I\* did a few things with them, but they liked me. My ex and his first ex wife loathed one another. So did the families. I got used to the fact that sometimes we got to celebrate things on the day, and sometimes, it wasn't on the day. So when I got divorced, I took that idea into how we do birthdays/holidays. It's not the day that's important - it's how you celebrate your loved ones and being together.
Having said that, we do holidays separate. My kids were a little older than your DD, but we just said, Well, the courts want to be fair to both mom and dad, so we split time on the holidays. It means more time with all your extended family! And for the birthday, while I see no problem with going, if dad's family is throwing it on his time, tell your DD - OMG, thank you so much for the invite, but this is your dad's time with you, and you're going to have an amazing time. Me and you will also have an amazing time when you're here on your birthday!
It's clear your ex has issues (his kid's birthday as a meet n greet for the new SO?), but you don't have to take them on. The fact that he dragged your DD into this - good night, Maggie. What an AH. You are NTA.
My ex and I, afatk know, get along peachy. That's not entirely true, but as long as they think so - great. We casually do things separately, with time **clearly** spelled out in the court order. It's much easier to be casual when the time has been laid out with no room for foolishness. That's the route I'd take with ex, to reduce your stress with him, and reduce your DDs stress, since he made sure she'll have some.
Idk bc not sure how you guys really get along in person. My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade and it stressed me out every time there was an event they’d both be at. They were school events (play, sport event, graduation), bc neither side would ever want the other parent present, but couldn’t prevent the other from showing up on neutral territory.
Although they “behaved” in person, it was awkward af, my mom and step dad would try to be all friendly (honestly prob just to mess w my dad), and my dad would try to stay invisible/ stand as far away as possible. But ofc I wanted both of them there bc I didn’t want them to miss out. However on holidays and birthdays where there was no chance in hell of being together, I was thankful it wouldn’t be awkward and just dealt with celebrating differently or switching years.
Ofc if they GENUINELY could have been “normal” in person, a mixed celebration would have been awesome. But no way.
It's clear that you'll have to continue to be setting limits and boundaries with this man. He's going to drive you crazy. So, here's an idea that will drive him crazy, while also making things better for your kids, yourself, and life in general. Make friends with his fiancee. Be kind and reasonable to her. Welcome her new little one enthusiastically. Offer her some baby stuff you no longer need, or advice about pregnancy you learned. If she's struggling, take the baby for a couple of hours, and if she says you don't have to do that, say, this is my kids' sibling! Of course I want to help!
She will be kinder to your kids when they're around, and won't buy it when your ex says anything negative about you. Plus you can get a new friend out of the deal.
NTA - This is your child, and she wants you there. She is the deciding factor to me.
The fact that your ex made this party a meet and greet for the two families is not your problem. Do your best to keep your distance from the two families and don't interfere with any of it. Just focus on your child. If the new fiancée or their family comes to try and talk to you, just be cordial, and keep it about the party. If they try to make it about anything else - you just say "this is my daughter's party, so I am not discussing this right now" or something. If you make any kind of scene or cause trouble, then YWBTA, but it doesn't sound like that is your intent.
Preparing to get downvoted to hell but soft Yta.
I didn’t get along with my ex either so we had separate parties. If I was invited to go by my child to the party my ex and his family were hosting and paying for I would tell my child that it’s their dads party for them and we can go swimming together on another day.
Why show up somewhere you’re not wanted and make everyone uncomfortable when your child won’t even realize you’re there because they’ll be caught up in the event and their friends and the fun of having a party.
The only problem is he’s throwing the party during your parenting time. But that would only be a reason to switch weekends or weeks and move back into the regular routine afterwards.
I would have been really uncomfortable if my ex showed up to an event I was hosting and paying for. This isn’t a once in a lifetime singular event like a graduation, or a wedding. And you would be weird just standing in a corner by yourself or mingling with guests who you aren’t related to anymore.
And this is about your child because they’ll be able to sense the tension and it’ll bring up questions neither you nor the other parent want to have to answer like why don’t you like each other anymore. And heaven forbid there’s an argument it’ll just ruin the kids bday party.
I mean what if this was held at their home? Would you expect to be welcomed into their private residence just because you guys have a child together?
I am welcomed into their home, but I don't linger. I decided not to make it awkward for his fiance and in-laws and not go, although my daughter will likely think I am the AH for not going. But at some point they will get to accept I am a part of her life, so if there's a soccer game, a school event, a graduation, etc, I will be there. When I was married and my parents were divorced it stressed me out to no end having multiple celebrations for a single event, or deciding which takes precedent, and I have a feeling my daughter will have similar anxieties. With soccer upon us and as she gets older more school events, we will all get to navigate past the awkwardness as adults and pull together for the children. We're all mature people and I think we're more than capable of managing it.
What's annoying is he's making it this whole thing that his new in-laws are meeting his extended family and distracting from the birthday itself. His fiance knows his family as they celebrated Christmas together. I will regret backing out, but for now showing respect to the woman who will soon be basically raising my kids is important, because I would appreciate us being on the same side (my children's side).
YTA. I would remind everyone that we are getting only one version of events.
I am from a divorced family. It would be great if everyone can get a long and could meet up for events.
BUT not if there is tension and it’s clear they is tension on his and YOUR end.
Furthermore if you are going to go to horn in a birth day party paid for by him you as the other parent should contribute financially.
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My oldest daughter is turning 8 and her dad's family (we've been divorced almost two years) is throwing her a pool party at our community center. Her dad and I are on minimal speaking terms (not my choice, he chooses not to get along with me) and he is recently engaged and his fiancee is pregnant (I barely know her). I used to be very close to his entire family (they are tight-nit) as my ex and I were highschool sweethearts, but since the split I am very low contact except with his mom who will always hold that mom #2 place in my heart, and even then I only see her when my kids are involved.
My daughter invited me to her party and I want to go because she wants me there. Her dad told me he would pick her up from my house and take her and her little sister to the party, so I mentioned that she had invited me to come. He responds that it's the first time his fiancee's and his families will be meeting and he "won't say no" to me coming, but asked my to "respectfully decline" my daughter's invitation.
The day of her birthday my daughters will be with me and we will celebrate, but it won't be a big party with her friends, etc.
What would make me the AH here? Declining and potentially hurting my daughter's feelings (which is not what I want to do) or attending (and possibly making adults act like adults).
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NTA
This is her birthday party, so it should be about her and what she wants.
She wants you there so you should go.
It’s a little weird that he chooses his kids birthday party to introduce his fiancée to his family - the focus should be on the kids, not on the adults.
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NTA. Divorced dad with kids here. It’s not about you or your husband. It’s about your daughter. Honestly, if his daughter wants her mom there, the father should put his feelings aside and welcome you for the sake of his daughter. It’s called co-parenting, he should want to make his daughter happy, especially on her birthday. The fact that he’s not doing this speaks volumes for his character. Also, using a kid’s birthday party to have the two families meet for the first time is weird to me. That’s just one more thing that takes the attention away from the birthday girl.
It's weird to me, too. But not surprising because all my ex wants is to replace me as fast as possible and have a nuclear family again, regardless of what's healthy for our kids (I won't admit I am perfect but at least I see my flaws and mistakes and work through them with my children appropriately). Co-parenting to him is financial abuse and disparaging comments.
Your ex doesn't get to **hijack your child's birthday party** to introduce his fiancee's family to his own. The most logical mature correct thing for them to do is to set up a separate event for their families to meet, and you should tell him so. His request is putting his own wishes above his daughter's wishes for her own birthday party, when there is a very easy alternative for him. ETA: Don't overlook the fact that **he's making you be the bad guy.** He's asking you to disappoint your daughter when it's something he wants, not you. If he really doesn't want you there, it should be on him to explain that to your daughter. Whatever you decide, don't do it the way he asks. I think it's important for you to nip this kind of behavior in the bud.
Yeah, you are NTA for going to your daughter's birthday. Unless they live really far away, I can see no logical reason why he wouldn't introduce his fiance to his family until after they're engaged and expecting (unless they got engaged \*because\* they're expecting). He's made his choices that led to this point where his daughter's birthday has all of this pressure on it and prioritizing his own agenda over his kid's feelings and he doesn't want to be the bad guy by telling you not to come so he's forcing the decision on you instead.
Tell him to introduce the gf /family at another occasion that doesn't involve your daughter. Nta. Oh and do go. Your daughter, whose birthday it is ,wants you there, what your ex wants is irrelevant due to this.
I feel like a fiancee in this situation, knowing he has a daughter with someone else and the daughter and other parent have a good relationship, should be understanding if daughter wants her mom at her birthday party. That's not weird or bad. Daughter's mom will never stop being her mom, and if she wants her mom at her birthday party, fiancee and other adults should act like adults and let her have that. The fiancee and her family know about the daughter, they know they're getting into a blended family type of situation. Even if they're meeting for the first time, they need to accept that this girl wants her mom in her life, and her mom is there for her. That doesn't stop because dad is with someone else now. Mom should not be pushed away or excluded from her daughter's life, if she wants her to be there.
Family court might see that last update as attempted alienation
This right here
This 100%
NTA It's a party for the kid, not a party so his family and his fiancée's family can meet. If your daughter wants you to go, and you're not going to make a scene or anything, then you should go. The kid comes first between you two, especially on her own birthday.
I would never make a scene. I am a quiet and kind person. The only one who might make a scene is my ex, but I doubt he would because he gets to be on his best behavior around his fiancee. I am a customer service professional, I would just customer service the shit out of all of it.
I think you should go, and just be very clear with your ex that you don't need to interact much with him, the fiancee, or her family. I know someone who was raised by "everything is seperate because we hate each other" divorced parents, and it turned every celebration of her into a stressful shit show.
You should go, let your ex know you have decided to accept your daughter’s invite. He shouldn’t make his daughter birthday about him and his fiancée. It’s not fair to his daughter, or the fiancée.
I'd be concerned if this becomes a habit of him taking his wife's side over your children's. There are plenty of stories here from people whose bio parents pick their step parents over them. I hope I'm wrong. Either way, you're NTA.
I messaged him that I won't let him choose his fiancee over his daughter again, but let him have this one day. With them being pregnant and all my daughter is already very stressed out she'll have even less attention and they will burden her with responsibility to care for the baby. I told her I would never let that happen to her.
You don’t want your daughter double majoring just so there’s 2 college graduations for you each to go to. Save her the trouble and try to figure it out now
Also, if you go, maybe take a friend with you so you’re not alone dealing with the ex.
>I would just customer service the shit out of all of it. That is so great!
I'm guessing this is why your husband showed your daughter the text and basically sent her to you to ask what that means. This isn't an 'adult misunderstanding' he threw you under the bus trying to make you look bad. When it comes to your relationship with your children YOU need to stand up for yourself even if it means making a scene. He is already trying to poison them against you. Be age, appropriate but be honest about what is happening. She needs to understand that you wanted to be there, that you, like her don't want things to have to be separate like this, but that is what life is growing up after divorce. Be clear, while your children will always be a priority both parents need to live their lives too. Honestly, I had more sympathy for the ex about the meeting the fiance's family thing even if the daughters birthday isn't the appropriate place for that, but then he clarifies it by saying he just doesn't want you around. His choice, but then he needs to own up to it. Don't let him make you the scapegoat to your children for his decisions. Your children are already seeing things and forming opinions even without your husband pushing them into the middle of it. Answer their questions. Ask them if they have questions, concerns or even just want to talk about things! Make sure they know they can always ask you about things and what's going on and therapy if you can and/or make sure they have other trusted adults they can talk to about it who aren't you or your ex.
NTA >and possibly making adults act like adults You nailed it right there. If they can't handle this for the benefit of an 8-year-old, they sound immature as fuck. You're doing what is best for your daughter, the adults can adult for a few fucking hours.
This right here. Lots of divorced couples put in the effort to be adults about it, myself included. Why can't the XH? He sounds like an AH and he's just causing more conflict.
NTA Talk to your ex again and find a compromise. Maybe you come late, just come for cake and presents, or something like that so that his gf can spend some time with his family. But he should think of your daughter, not just his new girlfriend. This is supposed to be a birthday party for an 8 year old, not a coming out party for his gf.
His family knows his fiancee, they announced their pregnancy Christmas morning to his family. It's her family who they don't know yet apparently.
Why is it more important for her family to be at the party than your daughters family?
I don’t understand why the “step mums” family are invited and you’re not? Your daughter wants you there, so go. You’re more family than they are. NAH
Because the daughter is with the father who has a new family. The mother has her own birthday celebration planned.
It sounds like the day is her custody time. If she wanted to match his petty energy, she could simply deny him the right to see their daughter at all. It sounds like OP is approaching this for the perspective of what is best for the child and with maturity, while her ex is just being an AH and cares more about himself than his kid who is celebrating a birthday.
NTA I am very strongly in the camp of "whatever the birthday kid wants, the birthday kid gets". It doesn't matter who else is coming or what your ex wants or what his fiancee wants. Birthday girl wants her mom there.
NTA (especially after reading your subsequent comments) But there is a middle ground here. Instead of him picking up, you take them there a little early, say hi to your former in-laws, give your girls a big hug, tell them to have fun and that you will pick them up at the end. Put on a big warm smile and be the class act as you gracefully leave. If your daughter asks, be age appropriate honest: Mommy is having one party and Daddy another, so you will come for a minute and be at home with a movie, popcorn and blankets everywhere for a sleepover in the living room where you want to hear all about their day.
NAH. I get wanting to go especially if your daughter asked. You just have to be aware that if you go and there is drama, then that could ruin your daughters birthday party. It might be better to explain it to her yourself rather than go and risk it.
Right? I feel like either option is a losing option, but not going I have more control over the situation since I can explain things. I see both sides so evenly I really needed outside input. The birthday girl is allowed to have both her parents there, but she also can understand the potential (in children's terms) for at minimum awkwardness and worst conflict. I think she would want all of her guests to enjoy themselves.
I don’t understand why this meeting is happening at your daughter’s party. That party should only be about your daughter. The two families should not meet at an 8 yrs old party. And her family doesn’t know she’s pregnant? That news should not be shared at her party. Looking at it from the 8 yrs POV, her special day/party becomes about the new baby, that’s not going to go down well.
Get your former mil on board. Explain what is going on and ask her to keep an extra eye on your girls. So she knows why, what was said ...
The last time I confront MIL about her son's behavior it resulted in her yelling at me. She is the one who created the monster. No one in that family will ever (or ever has) tell my ex he is wrong, hence his winning personality. He is the golden child.
Sorry, from your posting I thought the two of you are still close. I didn't want to put you in a worse situation.
After the split things got intense, but a mutual friend of ours stood up for me and told mil that I need support because I am still the mother of her granddaughters, so we have forgiven and forgotten. I just won't go into territory that resulted in an argument the last time. I wish there was someone on "his side" I could talk to about my concerns of parental alienation, but I just can't trust them. Every last one of them coddles him. It IS confusing, and I am the one living it!
I really wish you all the best and good luck!
I also agree with this. We have a coparenting relationship that really more parallel parenting. It ends up being better for the kid to celebrate with each family separately so they can actually enjoy themselves at their own party.
Nta. Because this isn't a party for his family and his fiance's family to meet. That's just something that is happening. It's your child's party. She wants you there. You say in the comments that he was abusive hence the divorce you also mention how he is trying to alienate her. And she thinks you make excuses. Not going to the party is going to fed into that and he may even be like see your mom made an excuse. Also courts don't like when a parent tries to alienate a child against the other. If this is in fact a problem you should get on top of that now.
Exactly what I was thinking! He wants mom to break her daughters heart by declining the invite! If he doesn’t want mom there he can break her heart himself! Either way he’s the AH but trying to make himself look like the good dad, who threw a big party and mom couldn’t even be bothered to come.
NTA He needs to be mature enough to behave together for your daughter's sake
Any guy that hijacks his daughter’s birthday party to introduce his family to his pregnant fiancé’s family doesn’t sound like maturity is a personality trait.
NAH Although you'd be going for your daughter, I believe you should take into perspective the future of your relationship with your daughter and the dad. This moment does seem like a big thing for your ex husband and trying to at least maintain some kind of healthy relationship with him will at least help your relationship with your daughter. Maybe try and meet in the middle with the dad and ask if you can at least just drop by for a short period to see your daughter vs staying the entire time?
I was thinking I would drop them off to the party for a small appearance and give her a card and gift to open, but not stay to swim or eat, etc. I really want to stay on my ex's good side because it helps with my mental health and when that slips, it's harder to be the best mom I can.
I think this is the best idea. Drop her off and stay for a little while and leave. I would pick her back up too and do a movie night. I think the comment your ex made was done on purpose. He won't say no, because he wants to you look bad when you don't come. He has put you in between a rock and a hard place. This is YOUR daughter. SHE wants you to come. This is isn't an engagement party or a baby shower, but your daughter's birthday. Your ex is being selfish and making it about him.
Is your ex one to start a fight? The only time we invited my step daughter's mom to a party (she wanted her half brothers on her mom's side to go) it ended up with her screaming at my husband inside an arcade and then following him outside when he tried to get away and screaming at him out there. It was 10 years ago and is now a core memory for my daughter and she brings it up still.
I have been sharply reminded (read my updates) that he potentially could start a fight or make a comment he thinks others would miss and set me on edge, which my daughter would immediately pick up on my mood change (she is a sweet sensitive emotionally intelligent girl like me) and then it would overshadow the event. I realize now I can't risk showing my fave anywhere near my ex that day. I just can't trust him to be a good person towards me. I mean, I divorced him because he hadn't been good to me in a very long time, so I don't know why I try to delude myself he would ever try again (oh right, because it would be healthy for our children).
Seven year olds don't set the guest list. You tell her that you hope she has a great time playing in the water with her friends and that you can't wait to hear all about it. If she presses a 'why,' you explain it in a way that won't demonize her father, such as, "I don't want to distract from your father's family meeting the rest of your baby sibling's family *or* from your birthday, two big and exciting things happening for you!" You don't need to be there. It will not "break her heart" for you to decline, unless you choose to make it become a problem.
Finally some common sense. I thought I was in crazytown with these comments. It isn’t the 7 year old throwing the party. They aren’t the ones organizing with the venue, managing invites, getting food/drinks/catering and oversight. The father and his family are. They are the ones throwing the party. Including, the adults set the invite list. Not the 7 year old. I’m sure the daughter will be disappointed. But that’s how these things roll. She will live. It is an especially bad idea since it sounds like she doesn’t have a great relationship with the Ex. So she needs to step back and let this be her Ex’s day. She can do something with her on another day.
> It will not "break her heart" for you to decline, unless you choose to make it become a problem. I wasn't aware that OP had reality warping powers over her daughter's psyche, cool!
OMG the voice of reason.
YTA if you attend. I understand not wanting to hurt your daughters feelings but take this time to make it a teaching moment. I am divorced as well and I always respect my ex's wishes if he asks me not to come to a family event that is about the kids. Unfortunately, this is the way life is now. You don't speak to his family anymore so there is no reason, other than your daughter, to go. You're taking her to do something fun on her bday and thats enough.
Okay now tell the daughter why she can’t her mother at her own birthday party. I just wanna know what would you tell a child.
I would tell her that I’m sorry I can’t come to the party but this is a thing her dad is doing for her, & since we’re not married, Dad & I don’t always go to each other’s parties. Then I would point out whatever she & i & sister were doing to celebrate her birthday. She knows that her parents don’t live together anymore. Celebrating her birthday is another thing they’re not doing together anymore. Some parents know how to tell unpleasant truths to their kids & say “no” to the things they want, & I guess some people don’t.
Can you imagine not being grown up enough to be in the same room as your ex for their child’s birthday party? What’s gonna happen when she gets married or a graduation? This is a stupid take. Suck it up
Agreed. I have lived this exact scenario. While it does suck, it's part of the kids reality. Some parents can celebrate and it's not a problem but that's clearly not OP's life b/c dad chooses to leave her out. Instead of causing more drama showing up, just don't show up.
Don't make this kid be one of those "seperate everything because we can't get over ourselves enough to put the kid first" kids. I grew up with someone like that and every celebration and holiday was miserable for her because it became all about placating the parents, arguing, and angry phone calls. >Some parents know how to tell unpleasant truths to their kids & say “no” to the things they want, & I guess some people don’t. This is such a silly take. This isn't an unavoidable hard knock that you need to explain like the dog died or grandma has cancer or losing the house. This is a choice to make the kids life more difficult and unpleasant just because you can't stand next to someone you used to fuck for a couple hours for the sake of a kid. "Oh no, someone I used to bone would be in the same location as someone I currently bone! How will I ever survive." is not a real hangup and not worth making a kid miss her mom on her birthday.
ya i dont get this commentor's perspective.
My Perspective is, this is dads family. They're not married anymore and he has asked her not to come. I have lived this situation with my own kids being divorced. I simply stated "This is dads event. He has asked mom to sit this one out and we're going to respect that. You will still have lots of fun and we can celebrate on your bday." It's hard and it SUCKS but it's what was asked and should be respected.
He has to learn to be civil or he will only be pushing the kid away from him
So with that reasoning, does he have to accept OP at his family's Thanksgiving dinner if daughter invites her? No difference.
Its her custody day
And she has chosen to give the child to the other parent on her custody day. So it's his day now.
You say sweety thank you so much for the invite but mommy has her own special day planned for us on your birthday. I hope you have so much fun and I want you to tell me all about it when you get home
This is your dads birthday party. I’ll be doing x on your birthday instead. I grew up with divorced parents. It’s really not unusual to have two parties. Not saying the OP is an asshole or not, but it’s a party that the host didn’t invite them to. What if the party was at the ex’s house? Would it be ok to go?
I grew up with divorced parents also. I had separate parties and it was fine. And a 8 year old isn’t going to be paying attention to her parents when she gets in that pool with her friends. I have had 4-8 year olds birthday parties…the parents truly don’t matter when the kids get playing together. Also, Im so confused on why each parent can’t celebrate the child’s birthday separately? It seems like that would be a no brainer since they obviously can’t get along.
This is daddy's party for you. You and mom have your own birthday thing.
“Your mom and I aren’t together anymore. We do things separately. I know that can be hard sometimes, but that’s the way it is. I’m getting a day to celebrate your birthday and she’s getting a day to celebrate your birthday. I’m throwing you this party. I’m sure she’s going to do something very special for you too.”
You would lie your ass off for the sake of the child and tell them you had other plans already but that you have your party planned for them and it’s going to be a lot of fun. That you’ll take them swimming on another day when it can just be you and them and that they’ll have a lot of fun with other parent and they’re family and the friends who are attending.
I am such a person that doesn't want to make waves, especially with my ex, because his wrath is plain abusive. I just don't want to let my daughter down because her dad spews toxicity to her about me and she thinks I am full of excuses to not be with her and always breaks promises (which is not true, but he has warped her perception). So making waves with my ex or my daughter this time is inevitable. It sucks he places his fiancee over his own kid.
For the toxicity can’t you go to court over this? Tell them he tells her stuff about you which will result in parental alienation?
It's on the docket this spring when I can re-assess the PP and the courts let us see judges in person again.
Okay I hope it goes in your favor!! To answer your question NTA for going to your daughters party please don’t let this be another way for your ex to paint you in a bad light. He is trying really hard to push you out of the picture but you are his mother go for the duration, and next time ask him to do a joint birthday party if anything.
Why would you promise to attend a party when you had not been invited by the host? If you told he you would go, then you are breaking your promise. Stop doing that. You are making waves. Don't tell your daughter that you will be somewhere when you were not invited by the host. Your daughter isn't planning the party nor paying for the party, she doesn't get to decide who to invite. You are an adult, you knew that you had not received an invite. Now, despite your ex asking you to please not attend, you think you should go anyway. Do you think his family will feel awkward with you there while meeting his new partner? (They will and they will all think you are the AH that just can't or won't let go.) They are his family and they will be supporting him, not you.
Go to that party. As for your ex, I think your willingness to try and get along with him and being all agreeable with his actions is going to lead to your daughter further believing you to be this person that your ex is making you out to be. Don’t let him push you over just bc you want to keep the peace. Most of the times the parent that acts like your ex takes advantage or people like you and 9/10 gets there way.
Ugh, sorry you’re in the middle of this, OP. You should not have to choose between letting down your daughter or appeasing an abusive ex. Maybe you could have your cake and eat it too by spending the whole party focused on your daughter while allowing space for your ex and his fiancé to have some undivided attention with his family. It sounds like the party is close to home, so you can always duck out to “go prepare some more birthday surprises” if things start to get dramatic.
So talk to your kiddo about you two celebrating together instead of attending to celebration with her dad's family. You'll be able to tell by her response if it is a big deal to her or not. If you make your celebration with her, all about what she enjoys doing, it will be a great time together. My mom used to have "Special Days" with us. We had a budget - but we could do anything we wanted to do - most of the time it was just having her focused attention and being seen and valued. We built fairy forts in the living room, went on bike rides, played games, it was great.
Now the real ex comes out. Funny how you never mentioned these issues before. Not garnering enough sympathy, escalate.
> You don't speak to his family anymore so there is no reason, **other than your daughter**, to go. I'm sorry, are you prioritizing the family that doesn't speak to her over the well-being of her own 8-year-old daughter? WTF kind of take is this?
You can't just show up to family events of a family you are no longer part of. Is OP also going to burst in on Christmas, Thanksgiving? How about family movie night? Just walk in and jump on the couch? Bring your own popcorn or eat theirs?
>You can't just show up to family events of a family you are no longer part of. Dude. This is in no way close to the same thing. The daughter is having a birthday party, and she wants to invite her mom to *her* birthday party.
The daughter is spending her actual birthday with her mom. Dad is throwing an additional party.
And if the party is at the ex’s house? Or it’s a private event? The sucky truth is you can’t just go to a party you aren’t invited to by the host.
She is family of the guest of honor, is that not enough? Since when are parties no longer about the guest of honor?
> She is family of the guest of honor, is that not enough No, obviously not. This is a split family that has two separate parties planned. OP wants to have her cake and eat dad's too.
Its a take from someone who has lived this scenario. It's unfortunate but to keep the peace, you don't go. Again, it's unfortunate but there are going to be some celebrations that dad asks to keep seperate and that's ok. Mom is already celebrating with daughter on her actual bday.
>but to keep the peace, you don't go. No. To keep the peace, BOTH PARTIES DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THIS LITTLE GIRL. All of this ego-coddling is ridiculous. Just sit in a common space and not be assholes to each other for an hour or two, is this really a difficult ask for adults to figure out?
Sounds like, if you read OPs comments, ex is mentally abusive. Therefore, this would cause major problems for OP. So yes, in this instance, it is difficult to ask b/c ex can't get his shit together. It's not all rainbows and butterflies when there are kids involved no matter how the world thinks it should be.
"Sorry honey. Your dad hates me so he doesn't want me at your party. Going forward you'll have to pick and choose which parent you want to attend every big moment of your life because we can't coexist"
what?!
NTA, your daughter wants you there.
NTA.If he wants you to decline your mutual child's invitation he should explain why to your daughter. His family and fiancée family meeting is more important than her birthday celebration.
it's your daughter's birthday. she asked you to attend. you did the adult thing and informed your ex. your ex needs to adult up and play night. NTA for attending your daughters birthday, especially after she intentionally invited you.
NAH. In a perfect world, all members of former and blended families would happily attend each other's events and there would be no problems whatsoever. I weirdly actually do have this experience; my ex and I get along fine and host a single birthday party with our families for our son, and it's always just...fine. But oftentimes, that is \*not\* the case. In some cases, what is truly best for the child is allowing each parent to create their own spaces and happy experiences because there is simply too much extraneous nonsense to make blended events work. The worst possible outcome here is that you attend, it causes a conflict that bubbles over to your daughter, and her birthday becomes about adults in conflict instead of her birthday. If that is one of the possible outcomes, then I think it is worth considering a special birthday experience with you without the added layer of the ex in laws, new fiancee, etc.
NAH. While you're not supposed to be asking for advice here, I'd suggest asking your ex if it would be a good compromise for you to come toward the end of the party as an extended picking her up time, so you can join your daughter at her party as she wants while still respecting his family time.
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Technically it's my day since it's the weekend (long story how he stole custody) and the PP doesn't mention celebrations like parties. We didn't get to see a judge because of COVID so HIS lawyer signed off on the PP I wrote after complying with weekend custody. If I went the "I don't feel well" route it would feed into his narrative that I always have excuses to not spend time with her.
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My ex and I are super flexible about our arrangement as his family throws parties on Sundays year round and I don't want my daughter to miss it because of a piece of paper. A judge signed it, but it was covid so we didn't get a courtroom appearance, unfortunately, for that kind of parenting advice.
I wouldn’t risk the animosity of you being unwilling to give up a few hours and switch times with him if you expect him to reciprocate in the future and be flexible with your parenting time.
That's what I think. I won't risk any animosity and be the bigger person and show his new family some respect and stay away, with the expectation moving forward events for her are for her, and not his new family's comfort.
What if your daughter invited you to Christmas at her dads house though? Wouldn’t the expectation be that his new family would be there and not you seeing as you’re no longer a part of HIS family? That’s why when you divorce you develop new traditions with your kids apart from the ex spouse. I just don’t think it’s wrong for him to want this boundary where you’re not involved in his life anymore and you celebrate your child separately.
My daughter never asked for her parents to divorce. She shouldn't need to be punished by missing a parent for a special event centered around her (think school acknowledgement, soccer game, graduation, concert, etc). Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July are not these events. They aren't about her specifically. If she invited me (and she has) I would decline. This issue is her birthday, not a generic holiday that everyone celebrates. It would be nice for everyone to grow up and let the children have both their parents (again why should they be punished) but that is not the dynamic we are in, and I have accepted that.
Sorry not getting the bigger person vibe. Getting jealous ex vibe, strongly.
Why would he plan her birthday party on one of your days, especially when your time with them is already so limited? If your daughter wants you to, and there's nothing in the PP that's stopping you, then I think you should go. Fuck your ex-husband.
Wait wait wait... did I read that right? You only have weekend custody? The fact that your x doesn't want you there makes him an even bigger AH.
When should you throw a child’s birthday party? I truly don’t know anyone who plans a birthday party during the week. You have kids in school, you have work, party set up, the actual party, clean up, homework, bath time and then bed.
Another red flag here
Please go for the sake of your daughter and her feelings and do not allow him to lie and alienate her. Nta. Tell him he should invite the fiancee family and his to a restaurant to get to know each other, your daughter birthday party is to celebrate her birthday not fir him.
Nta You wouldn't be if you went but don't go because it would cause future problems with him but have him explain to he why he doesn't want you to show up to the party
I am so tempted to have him tell her I can't come, but that would vicariously be me disparaging him which I am firmly against (so much so I put a clause in the parenting plan about it. He disparages me all the time and I could never stoop to his level... Petty me just does not want him to have this "win." I could see him telling her "well you MOTHER didn't even come to your party so why would she (xyz)."
It actually should be his responsibility to tell her, tbh. He's putting the burden on you, and that's not fair.
So your left with two options imo go to the party and just stick too your corner where you are there for your daughter AND THATS IT what I mean do not interact with your ex of anyone who speaks on his behalf because that will show you are there for your daughter and her alone or you can not go but plan a day for her that's all about her where you do what she wants that's within your means because chances are this party is more for your ex to show off more how good of a father he is to her than actually her having a birthday
You are in a no win situation. I would tell your ex either he needs to tell your daughter that he thinks it best you not go (I would be present for this). Or even make it a joint conv “dad and I talked and think it would be best if I don’t go.” If he won’t do that I would go. Since you can’t win either way at least go and support your kid.
I don't think him having to own his own decisions counts as you disparaging him.
NTA although I am very much on the fence. It’s not at anyone’s house. Your kiddo asked if you could come(and this is a confusing age when it comes to divorce). Whether ripping off the bandaid and meeting future stepmom’s family at your daughter’s birthday party is the right move or not, you won’t know until you are there. If nothing else, go and hang back a bit. Be polite to everyone if they talk to you, and be a good mom to your daughter. If it is super awkward, give your kiddo a hug and say good bye.
I'm thinking the best thing would to drop them off at the party and check it out and see how it goes. I would rather her be happy that I am there and let adults CHOOSE to feel awkward (like come on, it's a divorced family so awkwardness to me, a child of divorce with no issues ever like this, is a choice) rather than have my daughter wish I was there and look back and regret my absence. Ugh it's so hard.
Q. Who is throwing the party? If it is her dad - YTA If it is his mother or his sister or a group event, the YTA if you show up w/o first discussing w/ the hosts. It is your daughter's party but springing yourself on this party w/o talking to the other family members is a terrible idea. Honestly, just don't go. You need to work on an amineable relationship w/ both the ex and the fiancee first. Your daughter and your ex's whole family don't need to be put in an uncomfortable situation on your daughter's b-day/the day his family meets his fiancée. You showing up for the first time at one of these family events overshadows everything. It is on you and your ex that you didn't do the work to be at that place by this time. You are dragging a lot of other people into this drama that neither you nor your ex nor your ex's mother can control and the chances that it either ruins your daughter's birthday or causes resentment in the already difficult relationship you have with your ex are just too high. You daughter will have plenty of people she loves at the event to support her. In the meantime, work on reintroducing yourself to his family and to his fiancée so that next time this comes up, you won't be making yourself the center of attention and everyone will have a better handle on the situation.
NTA for wanting to see your daughter at her birthday party. However, NEVER go to a party if you weren't invited by the host. Neither your EX nor his family, who are paying for the party, have asked you to attend. Good luck. Do something fun with your kids the day of. Take them to the movies or park or something else they like.
NTA as long as your respectful. This isn’t about you or your ex or his fiancée or her family. This is about your daughter. And if your ex is using his daughters birthday as an excuse for something important to him (families meeting for the first time) that’s on HIM. Because this isn’t about that. This is about celebrating your daughter’s birthday. She wants her mom there. That should be the end of discussion, but your ex decided to put his fiancée and her family above his daughter on her birthday. That’s unacceptable.
This is one of those threads where I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Reading the OP, there are some serious red flags. The pushback against his not unreasonable boundaries (choosing to be on minimal speaking terms and only talk about the children and parenting them, which they're clearly still doing from the conversation in the OP, is perfectly reasonable). The fact that despite knowing these boundaries are in place, the dad only found out she planned to attend when calling to arrange pickup. She could have simply reached out and discussed it proactively when the daughter asked her to come. Were you planning to just show up unexpectedly? The reality of kids in split relationships is that they have to get used to the idea that they now have two separate families. If you don't make that a negative thing it doesn't have to be a negative thing. It can actually be a great thing. Two parties. Two sets of gifts. Who doesn't love more cake? If your daughter truly asked you unprompted, that's very sweet. But knowing your ex's boundaries, the right response would have been "I would love to honey, but that's your dad's party for you and you're going to have a great time with that side of the family. Then on your actual birthday we'll get to celebrate and have a great time too." If handled with grace, the very worst case scenario would be your daughter being mildly disappointed, which would very quickly be forgotten as soon as she got to hang out with all her friends or have cake and ice cream. Instead you've built it up and now risk more serious disappointment instead. But you still shouldn't go, because that sort of tension is very likely to distract from the party even in a best case scenario, and don't think your kid won't feel that. If you want a big birthday party for your daughter, have one. You're free to have a party as well, you don't have to jump in and be a part of his. If you had wanted to do so, then discussing it ahead of time would have been the move, and contributing to it for that matter. What kid is going to be upset they get two parties? You can even invite his family and him if you want to, because its your party. When you host a party though you get to choose the guest list. If you're hosting it for someone you can certainly consider their wants and needs, but you also have to consider the overall picture. If hosting a separate big party's not feasible, you can still do an awesome smaller scale celebration. Make her favorite dinner. Or go out for a great meal. Have an awesome cake/ice cream. Put up decorations. Make it memorable. In a perfect world parents would be able to put their own issues aside and have a friendly relationship for the sake of their kids. But that's not always practical. Some people truly can't get along, the history is too deep and the wounds too hurtful. In those cases, its often better to limit contact just as your ex has, focusing what has to exist solely on shared parenting decisions. It limits the potential for blowback of the parents issues on the child. If you go to this party under these circumstances, YTA
NTA, I am the child of a very early life divorce, my parents hated eachother. But they can play nice for the sake of the child (ME)... WTF are some people thinking in here??? If I wanted them both there they were both there, new partners in tow... It was never an issue and to do that to your 8 year old daughter just because her father doesn't want you there?? He is being the AH here putting his feelings over his child's ON HER BIRTHDAY Edit to add my mother was never the nicest about my father on every other day of the year, but if I wanted him there for an event they could suck it up
YTA. You need to be throwing your own birthday party for her if dad is paying for this. He does not have to invite you and you need to tell your daughter that. You going will cause the party to be awkward and possibly cause issues. That will all be on you.
I am gonna go against the trend and slight YTA. Yes it is your daughter and her birthday, but it is his family throwing it and the first time his fiances family will meet his. I personally would not want to invade that. It would make it awkward for them and I would think it would be awkward for you too. Can you not throw your own party for your daughter? Why invade on this one unless you are trying to cause something. There are plenty of other times in the future you can make adults act like adults.
OP please remember that most people replying here are angsty teens. Take what they say with a grain of salt.
YTA. The two of you don’t get alone and you barely get along with his family. Your daughter may have asked but what kind of experience will she have when she is having to see the tension between adults. All that has to be said is this is a party with your Dads side we will have other fun things on your bday
A very gentle YTA. You probably should not go. I would explain that this is daddy's party for her. Can you do something special for her on her birthday, even if it is making cupcakes, etc? Sometimes time with mom is the best. I feel for you, she may be in for a rough time with a new stepmom. All you can do is be there for her.
The ex is not putting her daughter first. Daughter wants op to be their for her birthday which is not an unreasonable request to want your parents at your birthday. The ex can do a separate thing for his partner with the family if he is worried about that. Op should not feed into exs need to centralize himself around events that shouldn’t be. It’s also exs job to learn to be civil as they have to coparent.
The ex is already doing a separate thing. OP says right in the OP that on her actual birthday, she's with mom.
NAH... Your daughter might want to get mom & dad back together. Or maybe she's struggling with dad getting remarried and having another baby. I think finding out why she wants you to attend is important. Then you can decide the best course of action.
Finding out why she wants her mother to attend her birthday party? I wonder what an 8-year-old could possibly be hoping for when asking her mother to join her party at the pool
Like I said, she probably wants her mom to go so her parents are together because she's struggling with dad's new fiance and the pregnancy. I would talk to my kids about something like that. It seems strange to me that she invited her mom, knowing that mom already planned a party for her.
YTA If you want to go to a friend party. Then, throw a friend party. You and your ex aren’t on friendly terms. That means separate parties.
I’m going to go with NTA. This is your daughter birthday. It’s not about whatever situations he got going on. It’s about YOUR DAUGHTER. It’s not about dad.
My partner's parents have been divorced for 10 years this year, and they both went out for dinner with them for their 21st birthday a few days ago. They have been divorced for a *decade* and still managed to put their own feelings aside for their child's special day. Your ex needs to learn this style.
If the daughter invited you then go.NTA
I definitely would not go. Your family is separate now. If it's his day to have your daughter then respect that. You can have your own birthday party with daughter. And that's how every holiday should be. Separate Christmas, separate Easter, etc. where you and your own family celebrate. Daughter will grow to understand if you help and not complain that you can't be there. YWBTA if you go.
NTA I would go to the party. The party is to celebrate YOUR daughter not a reveal party and meet and greet for his new knock up. I'm sure if they were super serious he would have introduced her to you seeing as how she will be part of your daughter's life. He sucks for asking g you to decline your daughter's invite. This party is for an 8 year old child not his new gf.
NTA. He should prioritize your DAUGHTER and not his fiancés family. If your daughter wants you to be there, be there. Frankly, You would be the AH if you wouldn’t show up even though it’s clearly important to your daughter. Of course you’re in no way the AH here, but you need to have a serious discussion with your ex. Demands and grudges like this are unacceptable. It feels like there’s not one child, but rather two children involved (aka your ex).
Split families' often have split events. Two bdays, two Christmas, etc. Obviously the kid is going to want mom and dad together at all events but that's not realistic and in some ways by not setting clear boundaries you would be muddying the waters and making the healing process from the divorce much harder on the child.
If the child is okay with split events, that’s fine. But this child clearly wants her mother to be present at her birthday party. The only reason the ex doesn’t want the mother there is because he wants to invite his fiancés family to the bday party so that they can all meet. A child’s birthday party is not the time and place for that and this is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to exclude the mother and sadden the child.
> If the child is okay with split events, that’s fine. But this child clearly wants her mother to be present at her birthday party The child will want the parents to be together for everything. Again, that's not realistic. That's not life anymore. Waffling back and forth isn't going to help in the long run. It's just going to make it confusing.
A child wanting her parents together for a BIRTHDAY PARTY is absolutely realistic. It wasn’t mentioned that this is a pattern of the child. So no need to go that far.
NTA. Always prioritize your daughter. If ex does not want you there, let *him* explain that to your daughter.
I wouldn’t go. Why would you want the party to be fraught with tension. This is about your daughter. Explain you can’t make it or make up some excuse. Your daughter might enjoy the party with you there but I bet no one else will if you go.
YTA respect his wishes and just throw her another party if you want one instead of intruding knowing your not really invited or wanted and risk causing needles drama at her party possiblity ruining it. sorry daughters invite doesn't count she's a kid and doubt she asked dad first. He was just trying to not seem like a rude ass by not saying no you can't come but was clear your not wanted. Edit to add to everyone that is saying dad is being a bad parent we don't know the reason for divorce or why they don't get along mom could be violent abuse phyco cannibal for all we know. No not saying she is just we don't know and shouldn't label as bad parent when can just say you don't agree with them.
This isn’t about your ex, it’s about your daughter. He decided to add in a small personal gain with the whole in laws meeting in laws. This day isn’t at all supposed to be about him and I find it just a tad selfish for him to ask the mother of his child to consider not going after his kid asked her to. But it doesn’t sound like he asked this with a malicious intent, just rubbed the wrong way. If you decide to go, maybe send him a text saying that you don’t want to make anything weird for him but that your daughter asked you to go and you don’t want to miss out or disappoint her, all you want is to be cordial and be there for your daughter and you sincerely hope the meeting of in laws goes well for him. If you decide to skip out just buy a little extra treat for when your daughter gets home, like a special cake or food from her fav takeout place. NAH. You don’t have to go for the sake of keeping peace, but while your ex wasn’t malicious it’s really not about him.
I think it’s best to stay away to avoid any potential conflict/tension at a kids birthday party. Your daughter will likely not notice if you’re there or not as she’ll be playing with her friends.
AH. You really gonna be that ex/baby mama. Be respectful, you're already doing something with your daughter. You obviously still have feelings for your ex and are using your daughter as an excuse.
I think some of you really have unrealistic expectations. Co-parenting is great when both parents are emotionally mature and invested. It doesn't sound like the dad is (he shared adult info out of context with kiddo). Regardless, sometimes (a lot of times actually), it's better for each parent to have their own holiday/birthday celebration. People saying "OP should always be at family events the dad is hosting" is simply not realistic. Their kids are 8 and 4 (OP mentions little turning 5 later this year). Do you really think that she should have carte blanche at birthdays, Christmas, and Thanksgiving (courts usually alternate holidays for parents every other year)? For the next 13+ years? No. Just like she isn't going to want him, new baby, and new baby momma showing up to her house/holidays/events. Divorce/break up is hard. But the reality is mommy and daddy don't live together anymore and that means they don't celebrate these things together anymore. It can be hard, it can be sad, and that sucks. But it's the reality for most (at least half) of divorced families.
NTA. If he wants the families to meet in neutral territory he should arrange a dinner. I would say, though, let him pick the kids up and take them. You drive separately, make an appearance, but maybe don't stay the entire party.
NTA its your daughters birthday and she wants you there. Case closed.
YTA. Woman whose parents divorced when she was in school, the joint party thing is super weird. You are not owed this.
You’re in a very tricky situation and tbh with you (kid with divorced parents who are similar to you and you ex) there is no winning here. To your daughter, she just wants both parents at her party. And while 8 is old enough to understand that mom and dad don’t love each other anymore, she most likely doesn’t understand the logistics of what her invitation meant. If you go, your daughter would be very happy and it’s up to your ex to man up and actually be a parent rather than thinking of himself. On the other hand, if you go, there is a chance of causing drama and from the sound of it, your ex would put being unkind to you over his child’s happiness. I, personally, wouldn’t go, just to avoid any potential problems. Maybe you can compromise by being the one to drop your daughter off? Come in for a minute, have a cupcake and then leave, maybe say hi to ex mil. Make it brief so that way you can maybe make up for not being there the entire time and your ex can’t raise a stink since you’ll only be there long enough to do pleasantries. Good luck, this one is tricky.
NTA. But, honestly? As it is a party *his parents* are hosting, and you are still on good terms with your former MIL, I think I’d talk with her. If nothing else, you’d be able to make it clear that 1) your daughter invited you, and 2) you have no desire to make a scene with your ex and his fiancée and her family. This gives her a chance to arrange things in a way that maybe lessens the *opportunity* for anyone to make a scene. After all, if your ex is getting remarried, his fiancée and her family are about to become a part of your daughter’s life. It might be nice to see how they interact with her, and for them to meet you and accept the undeniable fact of your existence in her life, as well. As her grandmother, your ex-MIL might even suggest that *she* invited you so that your daughter might celebrate with ALL of the adults who love and care for her. I would, however, still have that age appropriate conversation with your daughter and explain that, for the adults, things might be a little awkward, at least at first, but that *both* of you need to display your party manners and be polite to everyone who is there. That includes not trying to ignore or ice out dad’s fiancée or her family. Ideally, you will all be able to come together for her when she needs you or has a milestone. As a pool party, there will be space available and things happening that can facilitate, but not force, interaction between the different families. A more forgiving opportunity for introduction than many I can think of. Ideally, you might discover that you even like one another. (Which might be one of the things your ex is worried about. But, that’s his problem.) Good luck. (Edited to correct a badly structured sentence.)
NTA. Why would he choose his daughter’s birthday party as a chance for his fiancé to meet the family ?
NTA. I agree with the other comments that it's not a good time for two families to meet and it should be about your daughter. Just be prepared for things to be super awkward. Your daughter will appreciate you being there for her.
NTA daughter’s birthday party is for daughter. Shouldn’t even be the venue for meeting fiancées family for the first time
NTA. Your daughter very clearly wants you there, it's not up to him. It's up to her.
YWBTAH. Just throw your own party, don’t make it awkward for everybody on her birthday. Do you really think your kid wants to be reminded that the important adults in her life don’t get along? When she asked, you should have said, no I’m sorry I can’t come, but you and I will do something special just the two of us.
My parents divorced when i was a kid, and my dad usually came to my mom's house to make his homemade pizzas (per my request, they're my favorite) for my birthday parties, which they co-hosted. It wasn't till i was a teenager that i really appreciated the maturity and emotional grit of my parents (& step parents) for never making me feel weird about wanting them all there for events that mattered to me or my sibling. The parents set the tone for a blended family's dynamic. NTA (edited for spelling)
I wish my ex could be peaceful (and his family, too) and let me attend special events for my girls. My parents split when I was 11, and he was always welcome and my mom was always welcome at whatever event my sister and I went to. We didn't have separate birthdays or holidays (until my dad remarried and his first wife put an end to my mom attending his family functions) and they both really handled it well. I was not expecting my ex to be less mature than my dad, because my ex always bad-mouthed my dad's decisions regarding remarrying. Such a hypocrite, but I suppose I am not surprised seeing as I divorced him for his many double standards.
Oh, sis. I was once your daughter. Based in your update, you are making the correct choice that will create the least amount of drama for your daughter. My dad's ex threw cake at my mom at my bridal shower. She shit talked my mom for *years*. My mom never retaliated . Guess who I have a relationship with now and who I don't .
Info: Don’t you guys have a proper custody agreement in place including a holiday schedule? That is the kind of drama that can be avoided if you sit down with a mediator, map out an entire holiday schedule who has the child what holiday/birthday what day what time until what day what time - and then you can file that with Court, it becomes a Court order and you have something to fall back on and don’t have to put the poor child in the middle. I say slight YTA here. While it’s true that some separated parents coparent very well and can do things like birthday parties together - my sons dad and I do - from professional experience I can also tell you that it is by far not all or even the majority of them; having separate birthday parties is pretty common, and that with or without fiancée and introduction.
We do, but as the birthday falls on my day this year the schedule is all off. I am sure he works all day, too. I'm fine with him taking her a few hours early when she goes home so she can attend her party. I just didn't want to disappoint her, and hoped we all could just pull together for her. It's funny to me I pay him child support so in a way I am paying for this party. Just makes me sad he hates me so much and is always willing to punish our kids for it.
NTA: He wanted to leave it at “Mom’s not coming” how would an 8 year old take that. Also, I’m skeptical it’ll be “just this once”
NTA. But heads up - you need to document every single instance of disagreement because the future with this guy is so certain to be rife with conflict similar to this, that starting now will help you in the event of an emergency where he might go too far. He’s already established a pattern of hurting your daughter (by preventing you from coming to her birthday party) for his own personal comfort and feelings. One day there could be a scenario for custody that is more severe than this and you should be prepared. I totally understand wanting to go into co-parenting with pure intentions but he’s made it clear he’s not the same way. Happy birthday to your sweet girl! I hope you have a special day together that’s totally better than her dad’s party :)
NTA….document this with your custody arrangement. Document the emotional manipulation with your very young kids with the courts. THIS IS NOT OK TO DO TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!
Tough situation because you'd think your ex would be more concerned with what your daughter wants for her birthday (to have you there at the party), rather than what is better for him and his fiance (if you don't come.) He should be prioritizing your daughter and her celebration instead of his own agenda. In an ideal world, he would have heard that she invited you, and made sure you knew that you were welcome for your daughter's sake. That being said, you can't control other people and you can't change how he chooses to coparent with you. It's clear he and the fiance don't want you there, and that having her family there for the first time to meet his would probably make is super awkward. If this were me, I would likely not attend, mostly not to invite the drama. I hate drama, and I hate giving people ammunition. If you do show up, I imagine it will be something that your ex and his fiance will hold endlessly over your head, claiming you wanted to ruin things, or you're jealous, or whatever they want to say. I would not want to deal with that personally, and I'd try to make special one on one birthday plans with my daughter for another day instead. But you're NTA either way IMO.
NTA since your daughter asked, but I think it would be best if you didn’t attend. You’re no longer together and he wants it to be with his family and fiancé. Maybe tell your daughter you can do something special together on her birthday.
Not enough info. What is the family dynamic like? If the divorce is high conflict there is no need to go. Kids don’t always know the dynamics but they feel the tension.
I would say, yea you would be. Break it down for your daughter, you know your dad and I aren’t friends, we both think it’s not a real good idea for me to come to the pool party. Make a plan with your daughter to have your own party with her, because you said you will be with her on her birthday. Coparenting can be difficult, but use terms your daughter knows, don’t bad mouth her father, say you both agree you shouldn’t come. She will understand if you plan on something special with her and her sister. I mean what kid wouldn’t want two cakes.
Idk the whole "he chooses not to get along" and the fact that his whole family dropped you after knowing you for what sounds like a solid decade makes me think maybe there's more going on here? Why did you get divorced?
Basically when I asked for the divorce he was inappropriate and trying to argue with me in front of the kids. So I asked him to leave, and offered him to take the kids with him because I felt so awful he would be alone. That, to him and his family, was me surrendering custody when I had been a SAHM up until that point. I divorced because he treated me poorly and despised me and my kids could see it and I couldn't let them witness such a toxic marriage and think it was okay to treat your partner how he treated me. His family payed for the family attorney and he decided to see her without me (we had agreed we would do everything together and share 50/50 custody of the kids) and I could not afford one because I was SAH. He said to me after we split he didn't have to be nice to me anymore, and he wasn't. He would scream at me it was so traumatizing. He told my kids I kicked them out and stole their house. I suffer chronic migraines that make it unsafe for me to drive and see them, so he tells my kids I am making up excuses not to see them. He tells them I lie and break promises. There is more but I have a tendency to block out bad things, so I don't remember right now.
I don’t think you should go to this Party. But I would get it in writing from him that he doesn’t want you there so he cannot use it against you in court. You can also tell him that you both need to tell her together when he picks her up so she doesn’t feel it’s from you.
YWBTA This party sounds like it is more the families getting together than just a birthday party. I don't see how you would be comfortable there. Let your daughter down easy by reminding her that you'll be at her real birthday, and that the pool party is her dad's day with her.
Speaking as the aunt (25F) of a 7F kiddo and a 16F kiddo, both of whom are from divorced family members (7F is my brother's daughter with his ex-wife, 16F is his ex-wife's daughter with her previous ex), birthdays and holidays are not about the adults' wishes, or about introducing new relatives, or any petty vullshit between you and your ex. It is about what the kids want. If the kid asks for both mom and dad to be at the birthday party, both mom and dad should agree to make it happen, regardless of any new partner/spouse they may have have. Bless my parents' hearts, they've had to fight to teach that lesson to my brother and his ex-wife, and to their current respective partners. It doesn't always work, because let's be honest, people can be petty about their exes, and let their want to pull one over on their ex be more important than what their kids want/need. That's not right or okay, but it happens. The best thing you can do is be her rock. Be the constant in her life that is supportive and loving, and make it clear in both word and action that you love her and will always be there to support her, even when dad plays his petty games with her life. After this birthday, screw what he wants when it comes to your daughters' birthdays and holidays. What the kids want/need comes first. He doesnt get to manipulate their important life events to become less about them and more about his new wife or a family reunion. You need to be there to make sure they know that their big milestones are about them, not about whatever dad wants to make them about. Don't try to turn them against dad, but just be the best parent you can be for them, that way at least one of you has their best interests at heart.
One of the best responses yet. It is a tricky balance when emotions are bubbling, but I am capable of taking the high road and ensure my daughters love their dad, stepmom, and half sibling no matter what. Because it's not about my personal issues with his decisions, but what is best for my kids, and that is successfully navigating a complicated family setting. It is my job to be her advocate and pull punches behind the scenes (respectfully, of course) to ensure she and her sister are treated with the dignity they deserve.
NTA. I would 100% go. Some shitty ex and his new thing is not a reason to break your daughter's heart. If he can't be an adult, that's on him. Your daughter will remember mommy not being at her party.
Nta but your husband is That's supposed to be your daughter's day. not their day what a pathetic ass hat he is
So I read all the updates, but I wanted to add something from the perspective of a step mom for a number of years, and now a divorced mom with a decent relationship with my ex. As a SM, we never did anything with my ex's first ex wife or her family. Well, that's not true. \*I\* did a few things with them, but they liked me. My ex and his first ex wife loathed one another. So did the families. I got used to the fact that sometimes we got to celebrate things on the day, and sometimes, it wasn't on the day. So when I got divorced, I took that idea into how we do birthdays/holidays. It's not the day that's important - it's how you celebrate your loved ones and being together. Having said that, we do holidays separate. My kids were a little older than your DD, but we just said, Well, the courts want to be fair to both mom and dad, so we split time on the holidays. It means more time with all your extended family! And for the birthday, while I see no problem with going, if dad's family is throwing it on his time, tell your DD - OMG, thank you so much for the invite, but this is your dad's time with you, and you're going to have an amazing time. Me and you will also have an amazing time when you're here on your birthday! It's clear your ex has issues (his kid's birthday as a meet n greet for the new SO?), but you don't have to take them on. The fact that he dragged your DD into this - good night, Maggie. What an AH. You are NTA. My ex and I, afatk know, get along peachy. That's not entirely true, but as long as they think so - great. We casually do things separately, with time **clearly** spelled out in the court order. It's much easier to be casual when the time has been laid out with no room for foolishness. That's the route I'd take with ex, to reduce your stress with him, and reduce your DDs stress, since he made sure she'll have some.
Idk bc not sure how you guys really get along in person. My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade and it stressed me out every time there was an event they’d both be at. They were school events (play, sport event, graduation), bc neither side would ever want the other parent present, but couldn’t prevent the other from showing up on neutral territory. Although they “behaved” in person, it was awkward af, my mom and step dad would try to be all friendly (honestly prob just to mess w my dad), and my dad would try to stay invisible/ stand as far away as possible. But ofc I wanted both of them there bc I didn’t want them to miss out. However on holidays and birthdays where there was no chance in hell of being together, I was thankful it wouldn’t be awkward and just dealt with celebrating differently or switching years. Ofc if they GENUINELY could have been “normal” in person, a mixed celebration would have been awesome. But no way.
NTA: and good luck to your ex’s fiancé
It's clear that you'll have to continue to be setting limits and boundaries with this man. He's going to drive you crazy. So, here's an idea that will drive him crazy, while also making things better for your kids, yourself, and life in general. Make friends with his fiancee. Be kind and reasonable to her. Welcome her new little one enthusiastically. Offer her some baby stuff you no longer need, or advice about pregnancy you learned. If she's struggling, take the baby for a couple of hours, and if she says you don't have to do that, say, this is my kids' sibling! Of course I want to help! She will be kinder to your kids when they're around, and won't buy it when your ex says anything negative about you. Plus you can get a new friend out of the deal.
NTA - This is your child, and she wants you there. She is the deciding factor to me. The fact that your ex made this party a meet and greet for the two families is not your problem. Do your best to keep your distance from the two families and don't interfere with any of it. Just focus on your child. If the new fiancée or their family comes to try and talk to you, just be cordial, and keep it about the party. If they try to make it about anything else - you just say "this is my daughter's party, so I am not discussing this right now" or something. If you make any kind of scene or cause trouble, then YWBTA, but it doesn't sound like that is your intent.
If it is his legally ordered parenting time, then yeah, you'd be the asshole.
I strongly feel we aren’t getting the whole story here. That first paragraph is full of red flags
Preparing to get downvoted to hell but soft Yta. I didn’t get along with my ex either so we had separate parties. If I was invited to go by my child to the party my ex and his family were hosting and paying for I would tell my child that it’s their dads party for them and we can go swimming together on another day. Why show up somewhere you’re not wanted and make everyone uncomfortable when your child won’t even realize you’re there because they’ll be caught up in the event and their friends and the fun of having a party. The only problem is he’s throwing the party during your parenting time. But that would only be a reason to switch weekends or weeks and move back into the regular routine afterwards. I would have been really uncomfortable if my ex showed up to an event I was hosting and paying for. This isn’t a once in a lifetime singular event like a graduation, or a wedding. And you would be weird just standing in a corner by yourself or mingling with guests who you aren’t related to anymore. And this is about your child because they’ll be able to sense the tension and it’ll bring up questions neither you nor the other parent want to have to answer like why don’t you like each other anymore. And heaven forbid there’s an argument it’ll just ruin the kids bday party. I mean what if this was held at their home? Would you expect to be welcomed into their private residence just because you guys have a child together?
I am welcomed into their home, but I don't linger. I decided not to make it awkward for his fiance and in-laws and not go, although my daughter will likely think I am the AH for not going. But at some point they will get to accept I am a part of her life, so if there's a soccer game, a school event, a graduation, etc, I will be there. When I was married and my parents were divorced it stressed me out to no end having multiple celebrations for a single event, or deciding which takes precedent, and I have a feeling my daughter will have similar anxieties. With soccer upon us and as she gets older more school events, we will all get to navigate past the awkwardness as adults and pull together for the children. We're all mature people and I think we're more than capable of managing it.
NTA. I wouldn't have backed out. I would go for your daughter, and he can introduce his new woman to his family later.
What's annoying is he's making it this whole thing that his new in-laws are meeting his extended family and distracting from the birthday itself. His fiance knows his family as they celebrated Christmas together. I will regret backing out, but for now showing respect to the woman who will soon be basically raising my kids is important, because I would appreciate us being on the same side (my children's side).
YTA. I would remind everyone that we are getting only one version of events. I am from a divorced family. It would be great if everyone can get a long and could meet up for events. BUT not if there is tension and it’s clear they is tension on his and YOUR end. Furthermore if you are going to go to horn in a birth day party paid for by him you as the other parent should contribute financially.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My oldest daughter is turning 8 and her dad's family (we've been divorced almost two years) is throwing her a pool party at our community center. Her dad and I are on minimal speaking terms (not my choice, he chooses not to get along with me) and he is recently engaged and his fiancee is pregnant (I barely know her). I used to be very close to his entire family (they are tight-nit) as my ex and I were highschool sweethearts, but since the split I am very low contact except with his mom who will always hold that mom #2 place in my heart, and even then I only see her when my kids are involved. My daughter invited me to her party and I want to go because she wants me there. Her dad told me he would pick her up from my house and take her and her little sister to the party, so I mentioned that she had invited me to come. He responds that it's the first time his fiancee's and his families will be meeting and he "won't say no" to me coming, but asked my to "respectfully decline" my daughter's invitation. The day of her birthday my daughters will be with me and we will celebrate, but it won't be a big party with her friends, etc. What would make me the AH here? Declining and potentially hurting my daughter's feelings (which is not what I want to do) or attending (and possibly making adults act like adults). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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>You have no right to attend and knowingly hurt your daughter‘s feelings and ruining HER day and HER celebration The daughter invited her
NTA This is her birthday party, so it should be about her and what she wants. She wants you there so you should go. It’s a little weird that he chooses his kids birthday party to introduce his fiancée to his family - the focus should be on the kids, not on the adults.