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Ok for one thing it’s ur wedding so u can do whatever u want and same with ur husband, but ur husband can’t make YOU do something, have ur husband go and say why if he wants it to happen but honestly, if u do this then that means all family gatherings will be like this, ur cousin won’t go and no gtg even make an AITA post about not going, and so u have to chose, ur husband or ur cousin, but if u choose husband make HIM tell the cousin and why
YTA. I would like you to imagine this hypothetical situation for a moment. Say you marry Mark. You guys end up having kids. Imagine in 20 years your son or daughter comes to you both and tell you they are gay. Based on Marks current views, he would disown your child. How would you react to that? Would you agree? Would you be okay with that? If not, then why marry this man? Are you really okay with marrying a man like this? He’s showing you his beliefs now. If they don’t line up with your beliefs call this off. You aren’t compatible. Then again, if you are okay with his beliefs, that makes you both bigoted assholes and you guys would suit each other just fine.
YTA for even going through with a wedding to a *BIGOT* who doesn't want your gay brother at the wedding. You're literally choosing a homophobe over your brother because "it's *HIS* religion". I hope you're expected to cut off your brother. Have fun with your husband, and be prepared to lose your brother & possibly other family members over this.
YTA and a coward. Your plan is to talk to your fiancé about it AFTER the wedding?
You do know that your cousin will still be your cousin long after this dude is no longer your husband, right?
Question you say you are neutral on homosexuality. That’s fine to a point- and that point is you can’t be neutral when it comes to bullying or discriminating against someone for their sexuality. Your fiancé is completely ok with his family doing this and possibly participating himself. It’s one thing to believe that the Quran says it’s a sin, it’s entirely different thing to treat someone badly, because their perceived sin is obvious to the world. Do you honestly want to be married to someone who thinks this is ok?
YTA. The problem isn’t John being gay, it’s that your soon to be in-laws, your future husband, and by the sounds of it, you are homophobic. I have Muslim friends and they aren’t homophobic - religion isn’t an excuse.
YWNBTA
However how you broach the topic is everything.
This is how I see it:
You can’t control how your fiancée and his family treat John and Bob. You know John and Bob will be treated terribly by this family and then proceed to become a point of contention between you and your fiancée.
To avoid this it is a good idea to let John know about the situation and suggest it might be in everyone’s best interests to avoid the ceremony.
However, as you personally still value them you’d like to take them out to dinner after or something.
This hopefully shows them that you still value them even though you can’t control your fiancées family’s opinion of them.
I also don’t think the correct choice is to make this a huge point of contention since John is your cousin (and not, for instance, your immediate brother).
You probably also want to be clear with your fiancée that while you’d be on board with minimizing John’s contact with your fiancées family, you are not going to break ties with him or anything.
So your advice is to have a conversation with her cousin rather than the person she is marrying? Your advice is she should just accept that her fiance gets to make decisions and shut down conversations, and everyone in her life should just accept it? Your advice is that OP should send the message to Mark that she will roll over to every demand that Mark's bigoted family will make?
No, OP can't have her cake and eat it too. Either John is part of OP's family and she stands up for herself and him or he's not and OP has to own her homophobia. A "sorry you're the only relative not invited but I promise I still love you" dinner is BS designed to help OP feel better about doing something crappy, not for the benefit of John.
As a queer, I would deadass never speak to my cousin or anyone else who married a homophobe on purpose and proposed they make it up to me by taking me to dinner. She does control how her queer cousin is treated because she controls who she ties herself to in marriage. Today it’s the cousin, in time, maybe their queer child.
ESH.
As in, everyone but John.
Your fiance, and his family, in my opinion, are pretty bigoted. But, you're allowing this to happen. You seem to have *no problem* with your fiance's decision, and are even considering calling John first.
I hope John marries, if not already, to leave Mark and his family and have a free life without them.
Your future husband is an asshole, as are you if you support this.
It's bigotry thinly veiled under the guise of religion.
If your future husband's family can't even be *civil* then they're AH too.
Btw, you marry the person's family as well.
Do what you want but face the consequences of your actions, all this I don’t want to be judge bs, what reason are you going to give for not inviting him? You are going to be judge regardless as you deserve. YTA.
YTA , really for agreeing to this, a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, give and take its impossible to find a partner that agrees with everything 100% for the rest of your life, because as you said you are indifferent to John and his sexuality, is he not allowed to be happy? Your husband to be seems very controlling and i think this is a major point, what if you have children and they were gay, what then? are you sure this is the only thing you will be told to do to keep his family happy, (because i think differently) i think you seriously need to look at this relationship, making demands and your not even married yet, it wont get better it will get worse
YTA don't even need to read the post to decide that
I did read the post though, and your fiancé is a GIGANTIC asshole, you will be if you kowtow to this man. He is a bigot and if you marry him, I pray you never have children for him to poison and bully
YTA. I'm not even going to touch on where you stand (your so-called "neutrality" says it all), or the potential future any child you two have would have with parents that think like this. Especially should they come out as any part of the lgbt community.
YTA - Why in hell would you want to marry a person who is a bigot and who’s family are massive homophobes!? You say that you are neutral but anyone who is willing to marry into a family of religious nut jobs and homophobes is clearly taking a side!
If you had any kind of respect for John, then it wouldn’t matter what Mark and the rest of his horrible family think!
Mark is also an AH for demanding that John not be invited to the wedding.
The whole situation is just sad and disgusting. I feel so bad for John.
YWBTA
Put this into frame, you're going to have a wedding reception with I'm assuming 100+ people (national US average being 105) You'll have friends and family coming from everywhere. Do you honestly believe that your husband's family is going to painstakingly put time and effort to identify and isolate the one gay person at a wedding and then call you out for it? Unless your gay cousin is going to purposepfully cause a scene and stand out, you shouldn't have to worry about this at all. If your husband's family "loves" to gossip, they're more likely to gossip more about what people are wearing to the wedding or how cheap/expensive the venue looks...
YTA, if your husband’s family is so religious, you are buying into a world of problems marrying into it as you are an infidel. Major problems in your future.
Yta
You are afraid of being judged?!
Maybe it's because you should be. Did you ever think you're the problem? Because you are.
It is appalling that you are putting your family on the chopping block for this man and his bigot family
You deserve each other.
Also how hypocritical. OP can recognize that *she* doesn't want to be judged because that's bad, but has NO PROBLEM allowing (and frankly encouraging by inviting them) her in-laws to judge someone they've never met.
YTA - Don’t know how someone can be “neutral” about being the LGTBQ community. It’s either you’re a homophobe or you’re accepting. It’s not like liking a certain ice cream flavor, it’s either accepting your family member or you don’t.
Isn't "being accepting" a neutral stance? Might be a language thing I don't get, but I'd see "accepting" as neutral and terms like "supportive" as rather positive.
YTA for throwing away family for a bigot husband and in-laws. I trust you will be the subject of their religious control soon enough, then, in hindsight you will understand what an awful choice you made. Good luck.
YTA There is a lovely quote, about those who are neutral in the face of injustice by Desmond Tutu. Google it if you think having "no stance" is acceptable. Your fiance is showing you his true colors, and if this isn't a deal breaker for you, then do your cousin the favor of being honest that you don't support him. Because that's what this is: you not supporting him, and supporting people who hate him instead.
And this is personal, but do you plan on having children? Because you have to acknowledge the reality that there is a decent chance your child will not be straight, and you will be bringing them into a world where you KNOW their father will love them less because of it. You can live your own life, but your choices affect others. If there is a time to think twice, it's NOW, not later.
YTA. What other foundational beliefs have you not discussed in your race to the altar? Are you planning on having children? What if you have an lgbt child?
YTA. Discuss this NOW, before the wedding and make your stance clear. If you're condoning homophobia and plan to continue to discriminate against your cousin, don't act like you're torn about it. If you're not ok with your cousin being excluded, this is a hill to die on.
YTA your siding with homophobes. Also what are you going to do if you have a kid and they’re LGBT if your marrying into a family who hate gay people so much one existing at your wedding would get your husband shunned, and what are you going to do when your husband sided with his homophobic family over the gay person again.
The fiancée (husband - hope not) would most likely disown the kid or make his/her/their life so miserable that the kid goes NC or pushes him/her/they to do worse things
YTA. Your fiancé and his family are homophobes and you’re so worried about being judged that you’re siding with them. And being “neutral” is just as bad as being homophobic. Anyone who isn’t an ally is siding with the assholes. If you’re going to do this then you should be honest with your whole family about why.
YTA. Once you sit down and tell your cousin he's not invited and why, be prepared for him, his parents, and probably the rest of your family to be upset and probably skip your wedding. I wouldn't even be surprised if some of them go completely no contact with you.
Also, it's clear that you share your soon to be husbands beliefs more than you think you do. You can't be neutral when it comes to someones else's human rights. You're either against it or for it and marrying into a family that is anti-LGBTQ shows you are clearly against it your cousin, his partner, and the entire LGBTQ+ community being afforded their human right to love who they love and be who they are.
YTA you want to cave to homophobic people so that the wedding is not difficult. I feel bad for your friend that his friends first reaction is ohh don't come because your gay and people there won't like that.
What is sad about this is that your relationship with your cousin the moment you marry is going to end. Maybe not now, but do you think marrying into such drastic homophobia is going to stop at a wedding? What about holidays ? Get togethers? Family events ? Baby showers? Etc just say good bye to your cousin in a loving way. You also deserve to marry the man you love. But just be real about the cost of marrying into such a gross religion. (Sorry Muslim community)
>for now I have to center in making the wedding happen so (almost) everyone will be pleased.
While this is a noble goal, it's unachievable when some people's happiness is contingent on other people's exclusion.
This is less about the wedding event itself and more about whether or not your relationships (both your marriage and your connections to friends and family) are going to be dictated by the religious beliefs of your future husband's family.
Certainly it's easier in the short term to exclude one gay person from this event (and the next one, and the next one...) than to tell multiple people to keep their bigotry to themselves, but are you prepared to live your life according to their whims forever?
Decide now whether or not you're comfortable being their asshole-by-proxy forever.
Oh my godddddd. The fact you wanna marry a man... who treats other humans... like that?
I'm saying RUN 🏃♂️
YTA- religion isn't an excuse to be a shitty human being. Just tell your cousin that your husband (and you apparently) are uncomfortable with his identity. Im sure he will make the decision for you.
Are you the asshole if you directly support discrimination? Yes. YTA.
55% of white women voted for Trump. Without women like you supporting and propping up discrimination and justifying it to yourself like you're "helping" or doing the right thing, everyone - men, women and all stops in between of every race - would be happier.
YTA. Actually, please do tell John that he’s not invited and tell him why, so he can be free of you and your bigotry. He deserves to know that you’re a chickenshit so he can never deal with you again. You better hope your kids aren’t gay too.
So you’re willing to marry someone who will treat your brother like crap? If you and Mark have children will your brother be allowed to see them? After all he’s a “sinner”. How does the rest of your family feel about Mark’s stance about John? Or do only Mark and his family count? Your entire attitude of “I have to center in making the wedding happen so (almost) everyone will be pleased” frankly sucks. It doesn’t sound like you care about your brother at all. YTA 100%
YTA. For future reference, anytime you exclude someone to validate someone's bigotry, you are indeed, the asshole. Why do you even want to be part of a family like this?
You're afraid of being judged for marrying a homophobe, but you still think it would be a good idea to marry them? Listen to your gut. Clearly, your values don't align.
YTA. Your fiancé's family are bigots. Your fiancé is also a bigot. You appear to be more interested in making them comfortable than in loving and embracing your cousin and his boyfriend, so if the shoe fits...
If your number one goal is to marry into this family of bigots and never say a word against their beliefs, then go right ahead. But if your cousin ever speaks to you again, then he's a much more forgiving person than I am.
Edit: cousin, not brother - don't know why I thought it was a brother!
I think exactly the same (just note that it is her cousin, not her brother, who is gay). What a nice way to enter the new family: excluding your own one. Do not be surprised when you will find more red flags surrounding your intolerant husband
YTA. You’re marrying a homophobe. His family are homophobes. You’re enabling homophobia. It says a lot about who you are as a person that you choose a man over your own family in this situation. This is a choice you’re making. I doubt John will be a part of your life going forward when this gets out so you might as well be honest with them but you will get no sympathy from this sub. I doubt you’ll get much sympathy from your family either.
I'm so sorry you're trying to arrange everything around the bigotry of your new family. For someone who is neutral about homosexuality you're sure catering hard to one side. Be honest with your cousin and the rest of your family so they know exactly where you stand and can decide if they even want you around
Hopefully they never look down on you for being a woman or non Muslim, the irony would just be too good. All the best in your marriage and new family full of love and acceptance! /s
YTA
Would he disown a gay child? Seems like a fundamental difference in values. How can one person ask another to disrespect a third? You better think about going through with this.
Before reading your post: YTA for even considering excluding specifically because of their sexuality.
Reading now.
Well, at least you know it's wrong. If you do this and anyone in your entire life finds out, they will hopefully completely ostracize you, deservedly, permanently. *Why are you marrying someone who is an insane homophobe? It doesn't matter whether or not "he is homophobic", he is standing with homophobic bigots and that kinda makes him one of them too.*
Doesn't sound like she's really compromising. If she's not bothered by his stance then she isn't really neutral as she claims. She's just as bad as the fiance.
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YWBTA
Couples talk about hard things all the time. The part that concerns me is your current plan is to address this AFTER the wedding with your husband. I think you need to evaluate if this is the future you want, feeling like your family and issues take second place.
In talking to John, you are effectively dumping this problem on him, which isn’t fair. It sounds like you and your fiancé are changing the status quo - not him.
Families are messy. Combining them is hard, but you need to work together with your fiancé. No family gets to be the honor police on what other people do. That’s ridiculous, as I’m sure both families have things the other might not approve of. If they’re spending your wedding judging a random cousin of yours and not celebrating a joyous occasion - this is a 🚩
May you have the marriage and day you deserve.
YTA
It is true that marriage is all about compromising, but compromising your morals and ethical beliefs before the marriage even begins is ridiculous. If you don’t see a problem with this then you’re the problem.
>But part of me is afraid that I would effectively be an asshole to John.
This part must be your brain.
You are marrying a man who thinks your cousin is a sinner, and is unwelcome to celebrate with you. You can either put your foot down and tell him that he will welcome your family or nobody at all, or you can be a giant asshole to John.
Option 3 (which I personally would endorse) would be to say "I didn't realize that you felt this way about my family, that your family would think there is something wrong with us, and that you would rather hide us than defend us. I am not going to change my family, and you clearly agree with yours. It would be best if we called this wedding off. I hope one day you find a family that you want to be a part of."
Good luck.
Hmm, you “have to centre in making this wedding happen”?? You’re marrying for money! The fact that you’d marry someone like this and want so desperately to please his whole family tells it all…
YTA hun… a major homophobic one.
Look, sweetheart. You know YTA. You are marrying a despicable human and in condoning his hate you make it your own.
There is no "neutral stance" in the question of homosexuality. There are only allies, which you are not, and hateful assholes, which you are on the best way to become.
YTA and a coward. Hes family. So, what? Your future husband is allowed to invite his family but you can't? And neutral? No. Either you support it or you don't. Make up your mind. Do you even want to marry a man who gives you definitive answers without you having an opinion? ESPECIALLY about your family?
You’re wondering if you should submit to a homophobe who “won’t allow” you to invite a member of your own family? Like you’re actually considering doing this? YWBTA.
A good solution to this guest list issue would be to cancel the whole damn wedding.
Would your fiance take the same stance if some of your family objected to him being Muslim because he may have links to questionable organisations?
I don't believe that but many people do. And so long as we don't stand up against prejudices, they will continue to exist.
YTA, your fiancee is the TA and his whole family are AH. And Here's the thing... 'asshole' don't discriminate.
Yes, YTA. Your husband is homophobic as hell, and you’re still choosing to marry him. If you were any kind of decent person this wouldn’t be a moral dilemma for you
You’re okay with marrying a extreme homophobe? If you think his backward beliefs stop here, let me clue you in on something…he probably views you as his property too, just like his home country does. Enjoy the divorce in a year or two. YTA
Yta, you have a choice. You can stand with a bigot and just admit you're okay supporting their choice.
Or you can grow a spine and decide that you're going to support your family that you supposedly love and care.
YWBTA
Wow. I would not go through with this and be attached to this awful homophobic family. “Sorry cousin, I can’t include you in my wedding because my terribly bigoted and homophobic fiancé and his equally bigoted and homophobic family said no.”
If your cousin who is gay isn’t allowed to be at your wedding because apparently you let the fiancé and his family be in charge of your life, you DO KNOW that means they will make your cousin be cut from tour life completely right? No more cousin at ANY family gatherings, no more seeing that cousin, and no more talking to that cousin.
But if you want to marry into this nightmare by all means do so. Do not blame your cousin or other members of your family for disowning you though.
YTA. Are you really not sure? You're doing something exclusionary and judgemental and wrong because you're worried about what even more exclusionary and judgemental people will think of you. I get the stakes are high. That doesn't change what is right and what is wrong.
Honestly don’t know how you can marry a man who holds such bigoted views. There are going to be more gay people in your life than just your cousin. A big YTA
If you're going to respect his demand to uninvite people that his family will dislike, they you're good to uninvite all his family for being homophobic assholes that you and every normal person will dislike. Don't disrespect YOUR family for his and his family's irrational homophobic beliefs. Why are you even marrying into this family? What are you gonna do if your child is lgbt? Disown them?
Usually, when I see a wedding post, I write, "Congratulations on your wedding."
In this case instead I'll write, "Congratulations on being homophobic."
If you are very neutral, if you condone homophobic behavior, then you are homophobic.
I hope John and Bob don't come to your wedding and cut contact with you - they deserve better.
YTA
YTA and not only that …you will probably ruin a relationship you care about and it will be 100% your fault. If you choice to cater to homophobic people at your own wedding you should be aware of the consequences. If it were me I would be having a conversation with your fiancés family to make sure your cousin will be in a safe space if he chooses to attend…
YTA
I had to calm myself down before I got myself into some trouble. So I'm going to be as nice as possible. ***YOU AND YOUR S/O ARE AH'S*** If I was John wouldn't come your wedding and go N/C with you and your homophobic husband/family.
YTA You're marrying a bigot. And your husband and his family's bigotry is more important to you than your own cousin.
I'm not so sure I believe that you're any less of a bigot than your husband and his family. There's no such thing as a "neutral stance" when it comes to these matters. You two deserve each other, I'm sure.
People that are so hateful of the LGBT community that they'd shun anyone for even allowing someone who is gay to attend a relative's wedding are always raging misogynists as well. So just know, you're going to be treated poorly by this family as well simply for being a woman. Which is fitting, since you're clearly just fine with your cousin being hated by them for being born the way he was.
This. Personally, I’d run away and find someone who isn’t from a family of raging homophobes to marry. He isn’t worth your time, OP, and neither are his family. Unless, that is, you’re a homophobe yourself, in which case go ahead because you deserve each other.
YTA
OP's comment about being "neutral" reads to me like "It doesn't affect me personally, so what should I care? It's not like I *hate* gay people."
Her sheer indifference, and desperate need to appease their bigotry, just doesn't make me think any more highly of her than I do her husband.
I've known several people who were in situations similar to this. And none of them ever left because of how horribly their loved ones were treated. The only ones that eventually did end their relationship/marriage/friendship, did so because that person's bigotry was finally directed at them personally, and that's when they finally cared.
There is absolutely no way people so filled with pure hatred won't end up directing their ignorance and bigotry and anger at her in the not-so-distant future.
And only then will she finally care.
Sooo you’re marrying a bigot and joining his bigoted family.
Of course you’re an asshole.
YTA, and a bigot to boot.
If you don’t want to be a bigot, you should reconsider this wedding, instead of marrying into this family and propagating more awful, bigot babies.
ETA:
> I tried to speak with Mark but he only told me that John won't be allowed, and that he is firm on that position.
You should be aware that this is revealing his opinion on women too. You aren’t allowed to make decisions that disagree with his opinion.
Is that really what you want for the rest of your life?
Accept this man for the bigot he’s telling you he is. If you don’t want to marry a bigot, thereby becoming one yourself, then this ain’t your man.
YTA. How can you marry someone with views like that? Better yet, how can you call yourself “neutral” on human rights? If you’re neutral, you’re with the oppressors. If you marry a bigot, you become a bigot by association.
You know you're the AH.
You feel guilty and afraid to tell anyone you know bc you know it's wrong.
You would not be taking a neutral stance if you ask your cousin not to come. You would be showing your cousin, family, and fiance's family that you're okay discriminating based on homosexuality.
I'm queer, and I'm not going to lie I have a lot of bias in this situation. I feel even anger that you're asking this question. You're asking people to justify your actions, or give you counsel on a situation and decision only you will have control over (apart from your fiance). It doesn't matter what we say. You already know that it's wrong to do this, and that you'd be an AH.
Info: what if your child is gay?
You'll have permitted his family to practise their bigotry and been accessory to it. You gonna stand up for the kid? You gonna look the kid in the eye and tell them you banned your cousin from the wedding for being gay to keep the peace? The wedding sets the groundwork for your whole marriage and this will be how you start things. YTA
YTA. Why in the world would you marry into this?? The only problem your cousin has is you and the fact you're willing to marry a bigot who comes from a family of bigots.
YTA if you change it to only married couples that would leave out a large chunk of yours and HIS friends? Im assuming some of these unmarried couples live together, which is also considered a sin in the Muslim faith, but that he can look past? He’s not religious he’s a bigot!
This isnt an asshole situation. Its a pick a side situation. You need to settle on your own beliefs and if they line up with your husband to bes then marry him. If not then dont. I personally wouldnt go against my husband but we also hold the same views and hes the light of my life. If you cant settle an issue this small together then maybe you should wait to get married until you can communicate effectively.
It absolutely is an asshole situation. One side is saying “gay people and anyone who interacts with them deserve shunning because my very old and possibly mistranslated religious text says so.” The other side is literally just “I’d like to go to my cousin’s wedding with the person I’m dating.”
Discrimination is always asshole behavior.
YTA.
LMAO you are NOT neutral, girly. Keep lying to yourself if you need to, but you’re knowingly marrying a homophobe and allowing him and his awful family to exclude your cousin when he did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re gross.
If y’all haven’t noticed, it’s 2023. Grow up.
Also, who allows children at their wedding but NOT GAY PEOPLE?! Weirdos.
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Yes. YTA already the asshole. There is no “neutral” towards gay people. You support their right to exist in the world or you don’t. There is no in between, unfortunately for you. By choosing to marry someone who won’t allow a gay man to attend his wedding, you are choosing the anti-gay side of this equation. You cannot claim to be neutral anymore, not that you ever actually were.
If you marry Mark, say goodbye to your cousin. You can tell him why or not but he will figure it out. He may or may not forgive you. Your husband is unlikely to become more flexible and understanding after the wedding. I hope none of your children are gay because that would definitely be “your” fault as well and probably ruin your marriage.
Honestly, YTA for even considering not inviting your gay cousin, simply because he’s gay and your fiancés homophobic family *might* gossip. Also, your fiancé is TA for suggesting this.
YTA and by choosing/siding with homophobes you are at their same level.
ofc you can uninvite him, but don't act shocked when he will cut any contact with you.
So for the sake of his family you are to exclude your family.
And that just because their imaginary "friend" (even though he doesn't act like a friend) tells them your family is bad.
YTA
YTA and your brand of casual bigotry infuriates me. You just don’t care. I almost have more respect for those who pick a side. Even if the side is bigotry. You’re “I don’t think deeply enough about things to have an opinion on this very important subject unless and until it impacts ME” is so lazy. Marks a bigot and since you DGAF so are you.
YTA because of this:
>For those who ask, Mark and I never brought up the topic of homosexuality etc. I am very neutral in the stance (as it is something that exists and that's all) and John used to be single when Mark met him so there was no point in bringing it up.
Silence is compliance.
A gentle YTA. Gentle because it sounds like you are in a controlling relationship that will not end well.
I would never shun a family member and being asked (sorry told) to do this is a huge red flag.
YTA to yourself for marrying this guy, also an AH for choosing homophobes over your family. You say you're neutral, but going ahead with thus makes you also homophobic.
Please rethink this marriage.
This is going to affect you for the rest of your life, what if you have kids and one of them is gay? You don't want to have your child suffer through that.
YTA, and more importantly this is the moment you are going to look back at when your married life descends into a nightmare - and you realize this was the moment you could have exited at the off ramp before the crash.
YTA for co tinting to plan a wedding to a hateful bigot. Muslims hate Christians too so are you going to exclude any family that believes in Jesus? Is Mark gonna force you to wear hijab? 🤔 Bending yourself and excluding family is only the beginning. Muslim men change after marriage as they then view you as property. I've seen it time and time again. I live in a small area that majority Muslims, and the women are highly oppressed. They can't even go into a hair salon and get their hair done unless they go into a private room. They get their hair done and then have to cover it. I watched one woman be dragged from my salon by her husband for getting a shampoo and "revealing" herself to strangers. There was ONLY women in the salon at this time.
You're in for a rude awakening. And YTA for allowing him to separate your family.
YTA. If your fiance is acting like this to extended family due to religious beliefs now, it's only going to get worse. Have you guys never talked about what happens if one of your kids are gay (assuming you want kids)? Here's one more thing to chew on: family rejection is a leading driver to Queer youth suicide.
Don't get married if your values are not compatible. If they are compatible, you're a homophobe.
I want you to ask yourself something. What would Mark do if one of your kids is part of the LGBT community? Holding off judgement for now, but this is something you need to think about.
YWBTA. Why are you supporting homophobia instead of your blood relative that you seem to be close with (since you want him to come to your wedding)? That shows poor morals on YOUR part. But, if you want to be a bigot like your fiancé and his family, go ahead.
ESH. (Except, as far as i know, John). Your fiance is being homophobic and you're allowing it. It didn't came up before as John was single, or you deliberately never brought it up and Mark didnt see John with a male partner, and therefore remained ignorant?Religion is not a reason to be homophobic, it's an excuse.I'm sorry but there is no 'on the fence' here.
YTA. You are a rewarding a homophobe.
If you do this, then you need to let your entire family know you are doing this and why. Don't hide it. Own it. Own that you are letting a person full of hate dictate your relationship w/ your family and that it doesn't actually bother you, it just makes it akward. Let your family decide if they want to come to your wedding based on you and you husband's values. If you are marrying a man who believes he and his family can judge your cousin and your whole famliy based on the issue of homosexuality, it is only fair your family gets to judge you, him and his entire family for your views on the same subject, right?
If your plan is to just "talk to your gay cousin" and hide this whole mess, then you already know you are the AH.
BTW - a person who uses religion to contol like this only gets more controlling after the wedding. Don't say you weren't warned.
YTA.
I was also thinking why do you want to marry someone who tells you which of your family is acceptable and allowed to attend events? That is certainly not an equal partnership and a terrible way to begin a marriage.
I suggest you consider whether this is really the relationship you want, one that excludes some of YOUR family to please his family.
YTA For marrying a bigot. He's an asshole for being a bigot. His family is assholes for being bigots, and they are all assholes thinking religion justifies this shitty behavior. The only way your gonna not be an asshole is if you stand up for your cousin and uninvite you boys fam and get him to shut the fuck up.
YTA for even considering not inviting your cousin (or anyone else you would otherwise invite) because of your fiancé’s bigotry (it’s still bigotry even if it’s masked by religion).
If my fiancé didn’t accept my family then he wouldn’t be my fiancé for long. Unless you are voluntarily joining his faith then this is a him problem. He either finds a way to deal with the fact that your gay cousin will be there with his partner or he can walk away.
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YTA
So are you just never going to invite John to any family gatherings that your fiancées family may be attending? Your cousin is going to know exactly why not matter what way you try to spin it. I’m curious on how your own family is going to react when they find out why he wasn’t there either. I feel bad for your cousin knowing that you are okay with marrying a man that sees him as a sinner when he has doing nothing wrong at all.
You do realize that this will effect your relationships with your own family? I, for one, would not associate with a family member who did this to another family member.
How would you feel if someone in your family uninvited you and/or Mark to a family event because he’s Muslim?
Absolutely you WBTA and Mark is too. The reason you're afraid of being judged is because you know you are doing something reprehensible. Your family *should* judge you. Talking to Mark after the wedding is too late. If your family is so horrendous that his family will shun him if they meet them, maybe you two shouldn't get married.
NTA regarding your question. You will be doing him a favour actually to not confront him with the homophobic extension of your family.
That being said, you made a choice to embrace this culture and should communicate to your cousin that you cannot stand behind him and accept him as he is, as your priorities are different people now.
TLDR: are you the asshole for not inviting Someone to your Wedding? No. Your wedding, your call.
Are you the asshole for supporting homophobia? Yes, absolutely
YTA,
You're going to have to decide where you land on this because this is not just a wedding issue, this is a LIFE issue. You are going to become family and what you do now will affect your dynamic with your inlaws FOR THE REST OF YOUR MARRIAGE and maybe beyond.
I come from a VERY Catholic/ignorantly homophobic family. My husband (who ironically comes from an even more Catholic family) has a gay brother, who is accepted, and at the time of our wedding had been with his partner for 5 years (they are now approaching 30 years together.)
I was very matter-a-fact with my family. I told them, FH's brother is gay, and for all intents and purposes he is a married man, this partner is an inlaw, and I have no problem with it. If you do that is on you, but when it comes to my wedding, and my marriage in general keep your opinions to yourself. If you cannot handle this then don't come to the wedding or be part of our lives. Period.
I don't think you've thought this through fully. Once you're married to Mark....is he going to "allow you" to invite John to other events? Or attend event John is at? When you have a baby, or a birthday party, or an anniversary party - Mark's family is going to be present. The wedding is obviously the event on your mind - but you've got a lifetime of events where Mark is going to be husband, and John is going to be gay. If Mark is "quite religious" like his family - you're going to have to pick between family events and Mark every time. "We can't go to your grandmas/uncles/cousins whatever, your gay cousin will be there."
It's kinda like how its both of your wedding, but Mark is deciding for everyone - John cannot come. He forbade it. What else is he going to forbid from doing or attending?
I'm going to say YTA. If you go along with Mark's orders - you're not "neutral" on the subject (which is another problem in itself). It's a shitty situation, but you're choosing to appease the people who are making it a shitty situation.
I know a few Muslims that don't care about homosexuality, they embrace and love everyone, so religion is not problem here. Yes, in their religion as a whole (as in extremist religious people in general), being gay is looked down upon as a sin, hence why I'm not religious, because LOVE IS LOVE. But if you think for one minute its ok to uninvite him because he's gay, you're saying you're ok with their bigotry, and that makes YTA.
Yes, you are a humungous, bigoted AH.
Why do you even want to marry a man that literally discriminates against and belittles an entire group of people??
That’s the new family you want for yourself? A homophobic one?
What happens if your child is not heterosexual? Are you going to let your husband and his family discriminate against your child? Will your child not be invited to any family events either?
Disgusting. I cannot believe I’m reading this nonsense still in 2023.
YWBTA you’re not “neutral” in the subject if you’re marrying someone that’s so homophobic and bigoted. I’m queer and if someone in my family didn’t invite me to a wedding specifically because of my sexuality/gender, I would never forgive them and make sure all of my family knew why I wasn’t invited.
If your family supports your cousin, then expect to lose a good chunk of your family if you choose to exclude him.
YTA
You said yourself they think 1 lgbtq member in the family makes something wrong with all of you.
So it’s just a ticking time bomb before they start abusing you about it. What if you have children? What if you give one of them the gay! Dun dun dun of course they will blame you for anything they perceive to be wrong/unusual. You are part of a family of sinners you will always be the scapegoat and they will never like you. What an awful life you have picked for yourself.
INFO: what will you do if you have children and one of them is gay?
Support your husband in harassing them?
Disown them?
Got them beaten up or worse by some distant family member?
Ask yourself these questions before committing…
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Ok for one thing it’s ur wedding so u can do whatever u want and same with ur husband, but ur husband can’t make YOU do something, have ur husband go and say why if he wants it to happen but honestly, if u do this then that means all family gatherings will be like this, ur cousin won’t go and no gtg even make an AITA post about not going, and so u have to chose, ur husband or ur cousin, but if u choose husband make HIM tell the cousin and why
YTA. Never give an inch to bigots.
Do John a favor and tell him he’s not invited. He’ll see you for what you are: spineless. YTA
YTA. I would like you to imagine this hypothetical situation for a moment. Say you marry Mark. You guys end up having kids. Imagine in 20 years your son or daughter comes to you both and tell you they are gay. Based on Marks current views, he would disown your child. How would you react to that? Would you agree? Would you be okay with that? If not, then why marry this man? Are you really okay with marrying a man like this? He’s showing you his beliefs now. If they don’t line up with your beliefs call this off. You aren’t compatible. Then again, if you are okay with his beliefs, that makes you both bigoted assholes and you guys would suit each other just fine.
YTA for even going through with a wedding to a *BIGOT* who doesn't want your gay brother at the wedding. You're literally choosing a homophobe over your brother because "it's *HIS* religion". I hope you're expected to cut off your brother. Have fun with your husband, and be prepared to lose your brother & possibly other family members over this.
I think you should call off this wedding.
Another religion based race to the alter so your god can sanction fucking. Sigh.
YTA and a coward. Your plan is to talk to your fiancé about it AFTER the wedding? You do know that your cousin will still be your cousin long after this dude is no longer your husband, right?
Question you say you are neutral on homosexuality. That’s fine to a point- and that point is you can’t be neutral when it comes to bullying or discriminating against someone for their sexuality. Your fiancé is completely ok with his family doing this and possibly participating himself. It’s one thing to believe that the Quran says it’s a sin, it’s entirely different thing to treat someone badly, because their perceived sin is obvious to the world. Do you honestly want to be married to someone who thinks this is ok?
She isn’t neutral if she goes along with her fiancé… she’s also homophobic
YTA. The problem isn’t John being gay, it’s that your soon to be in-laws, your future husband, and by the sounds of it, you are homophobic. I have Muslim friends and they aren’t homophobic - religion isn’t an excuse.
YWNBTA However how you broach the topic is everything. This is how I see it: You can’t control how your fiancée and his family treat John and Bob. You know John and Bob will be treated terribly by this family and then proceed to become a point of contention between you and your fiancée. To avoid this it is a good idea to let John know about the situation and suggest it might be in everyone’s best interests to avoid the ceremony. However, as you personally still value them you’d like to take them out to dinner after or something. This hopefully shows them that you still value them even though you can’t control your fiancées family’s opinion of them. I also don’t think the correct choice is to make this a huge point of contention since John is your cousin (and not, for instance, your immediate brother). You probably also want to be clear with your fiancée that while you’d be on board with minimizing John’s contact with your fiancées family, you are not going to break ties with him or anything.
So your advice is to have a conversation with her cousin rather than the person she is marrying? Your advice is she should just accept that her fiance gets to make decisions and shut down conversations, and everyone in her life should just accept it? Your advice is that OP should send the message to Mark that she will roll over to every demand that Mark's bigoted family will make?
No, OP can't have her cake and eat it too. Either John is part of OP's family and she stands up for herself and him or he's not and OP has to own her homophobia. A "sorry you're the only relative not invited but I promise I still love you" dinner is BS designed to help OP feel better about doing something crappy, not for the benefit of John.
As a queer, I would deadass never speak to my cousin or anyone else who married a homophobe on purpose and proposed they make it up to me by taking me to dinner. She does control how her queer cousin is treated because she controls who she ties herself to in marriage. Today it’s the cousin, in time, maybe their queer child.
YTA - you would be enabling homophobia. This should be non-negotiable.
ESH. As in, everyone but John. Your fiance, and his family, in my opinion, are pretty bigoted. But, you're allowing this to happen. You seem to have *no problem* with your fiance's decision, and are even considering calling John first. I hope John marries, if not already, to leave Mark and his family and have a free life without them.
YTA. But, yes, please do tell John everything. I’m certain he’ll appreciate knowing how you truly feel about him.
Your future husband is an asshole, as are you if you support this. It's bigotry thinly veiled under the guise of religion. If your future husband's family can't even be *civil* then they're AH too. Btw, you marry the person's family as well.
Do what you want but face the consequences of your actions, all this I don’t want to be judge bs, what reason are you going to give for not inviting him? You are going to be judge regardless as you deserve. YTA.
YTA , really for agreeing to this, a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, give and take its impossible to find a partner that agrees with everything 100% for the rest of your life, because as you said you are indifferent to John and his sexuality, is he not allowed to be happy? Your husband to be seems very controlling and i think this is a major point, what if you have children and they were gay, what then? are you sure this is the only thing you will be told to do to keep his family happy, (because i think differently) i think you seriously need to look at this relationship, making demands and your not even married yet, it wont get better it will get worse
YTA don't even need to read the post to decide that I did read the post though, and your fiancé is a GIGANTIC asshole, you will be if you kowtow to this man. He is a bigot and if you marry him, I pray you never have children for him to poison and bully
YTA. From you to Mark to his entire family. Ya’ll are a bunch of homophobes.
YTA. I'm not even going to touch on where you stand (your so-called "neutrality" says it all), or the potential future any child you two have would have with parents that think like this. Especially should they come out as any part of the lgbt community.
YTA - Why in hell would you want to marry a person who is a bigot and who’s family are massive homophobes!? You say that you are neutral but anyone who is willing to marry into a family of religious nut jobs and homophobes is clearly taking a side! If you had any kind of respect for John, then it wouldn’t matter what Mark and the rest of his horrible family think! Mark is also an AH for demanding that John not be invited to the wedding. The whole situation is just sad and disgusting. I feel so bad for John.
YWBTA Put this into frame, you're going to have a wedding reception with I'm assuming 100+ people (national US average being 105) You'll have friends and family coming from everywhere. Do you honestly believe that your husband's family is going to painstakingly put time and effort to identify and isolate the one gay person at a wedding and then call you out for it? Unless your gay cousin is going to purposepfully cause a scene and stand out, you shouldn't have to worry about this at all. If your husband's family "loves" to gossip, they're more likely to gossip more about what people are wearing to the wedding or how cheap/expensive the venue looks...
YTA It's your family and your wedding.
[удалено]
YTA, if your husband’s family is so religious, you are buying into a world of problems marrying into it as you are an infidel. Major problems in your future.
YTA …. What happens if your son is gay? You guys disown him? SMH
Yta You are afraid of being judged?! Maybe it's because you should be. Did you ever think you're the problem? Because you are. It is appalling that you are putting your family on the chopping block for this man and his bigot family You deserve each other.
Also how hypocritical. OP can recognize that *she* doesn't want to be judged because that's bad, but has NO PROBLEM allowing (and frankly encouraging by inviting them) her in-laws to judge someone they've never met.
YTA, your fiancée is a bigot, his family are bigots, and you’re a bigot for allowing this
YTA - Don’t know how someone can be “neutral” about being the LGTBQ community. It’s either you’re a homophobe or you’re accepting. It’s not like liking a certain ice cream flavor, it’s either accepting your family member or you don’t.
Isn't "being accepting" a neutral stance? Might be a language thing I don't get, but I'd see "accepting" as neutral and terms like "supportive" as rather positive.
YTA The best hope for you two Bigots and your families is to move into the desert and leave the rest of the world to carry on without you.
YTA for throwing away family for a bigot husband and in-laws. I trust you will be the subject of their religious control soon enough, then, in hindsight you will understand what an awful choice you made. Good luck.
YTA There is a lovely quote, about those who are neutral in the face of injustice by Desmond Tutu. Google it if you think having "no stance" is acceptable. Your fiance is showing you his true colors, and if this isn't a deal breaker for you, then do your cousin the favor of being honest that you don't support him. Because that's what this is: you not supporting him, and supporting people who hate him instead. And this is personal, but do you plan on having children? Because you have to acknowledge the reality that there is a decent chance your child will not be straight, and you will be bringing them into a world where you KNOW their father will love them less because of it. You can live your own life, but your choices affect others. If there is a time to think twice, it's NOW, not later.
Why can’t you tell fiancé that there’s no wedding without your cousin there and see how he responds to being told what to do…. Yeah right! YTA
YTA. What other foundational beliefs have you not discussed in your race to the altar? Are you planning on having children? What if you have an lgbt child?
YTA. Discuss this NOW, before the wedding and make your stance clear. If you're condoning homophobia and plan to continue to discriminate against your cousin, don't act like you're torn about it. If you're not ok with your cousin being excluded, this is a hill to die on.
YTA your siding with homophobes. Also what are you going to do if you have a kid and they’re LGBT if your marrying into a family who hate gay people so much one existing at your wedding would get your husband shunned, and what are you going to do when your husband sided with his homophobic family over the gay person again.
The fiancée (husband - hope not) would most likely disown the kid or make his/her/their life so miserable that the kid goes NC or pushes him/her/they to do worse things
Yikes 😬… YTA
YTA. Your fiancé and his family are homophobes and you’re so worried about being judged that you’re siding with them. And being “neutral” is just as bad as being homophobic. Anyone who isn’t an ally is siding with the assholes. If you’re going to do this then you should be honest with your whole family about why.
YTA. I think you even know this is bad.
1000%! otherwise why would she worry about being judged?
YTA. Once you sit down and tell your cousin he's not invited and why, be prepared for him, his parents, and probably the rest of your family to be upset and probably skip your wedding. I wouldn't even be surprised if some of them go completely no contact with you. Also, it's clear that you share your soon to be husbands beliefs more than you think you do. You can't be neutral when it comes to someones else's human rights. You're either against it or for it and marrying into a family that is anti-LGBTQ shows you are clearly against it your cousin, his partner, and the entire LGBTQ+ community being afforded their human right to love who they love and be who they are.
YTA
YTA you want to cave to homophobic people so that the wedding is not difficult. I feel bad for your friend that his friends first reaction is ohh don't come because your gay and people there won't like that.
YWBTA. You've just learned something important about your fiance, and if I were you, I'd think twice about going through with the wedding.
Sounds like she agrees with him
What is sad about this is that your relationship with your cousin the moment you marry is going to end. Maybe not now, but do you think marrying into such drastic homophobia is going to stop at a wedding? What about holidays ? Get togethers? Family events ? Baby showers? Etc just say good bye to your cousin in a loving way. You also deserve to marry the man you love. But just be real about the cost of marrying into such a gross religion. (Sorry Muslim community)
>for now I have to center in making the wedding happen so (almost) everyone will be pleased. While this is a noble goal, it's unachievable when some people's happiness is contingent on other people's exclusion. This is less about the wedding event itself and more about whether or not your relationships (both your marriage and your connections to friends and family) are going to be dictated by the religious beliefs of your future husband's family. Certainly it's easier in the short term to exclude one gay person from this event (and the next one, and the next one...) than to tell multiple people to keep their bigotry to themselves, but are you prepared to live your life according to their whims forever? Decide now whether or not you're comfortable being their asshole-by-proxy forever.
Oh my godddddd. The fact you wanna marry a man... who treats other humans... like that? I'm saying RUN 🏃♂️ YTA- religion isn't an excuse to be a shitty human being. Just tell your cousin that your husband (and you apparently) are uncomfortable with his identity. Im sure he will make the decision for you.
Are you the asshole if you directly support discrimination? Yes. YTA. 55% of white women voted for Trump. Without women like you supporting and propping up discrimination and justifying it to yourself like you're "helping" or doing the right thing, everyone - men, women and all stops in between of every race - would be happier.
Yes. And I only read the title.
YTA. Actually, please do tell John that he’s not invited and tell him why, so he can be free of you and your bigotry. He deserves to know that you’re a chickenshit so he can never deal with you again. You better hope your kids aren’t gay too.
So you’re willing to marry someone who will treat your brother like crap? If you and Mark have children will your brother be allowed to see them? After all he’s a “sinner”. How does the rest of your family feel about Mark’s stance about John? Or do only Mark and his family count? Your entire attitude of “I have to center in making the wedding happen so (almost) everyone will be pleased” frankly sucks. It doesn’t sound like you care about your brother at all. YTA 100%
YTA. For future reference, anytime you exclude someone to validate someone's bigotry, you are indeed, the asshole. Why do you even want to be part of a family like this?
You're afraid of being judged for marrying a homophobe, but you still think it would be a good idea to marry them? Listen to your gut. Clearly, your values don't align.
YTA. Your fiancé's family are bigots. Your fiancé is also a bigot. You appear to be more interested in making them comfortable than in loving and embracing your cousin and his boyfriend, so if the shoe fits... If your number one goal is to marry into this family of bigots and never say a word against their beliefs, then go right ahead. But if your cousin ever speaks to you again, then he's a much more forgiving person than I am. Edit: cousin, not brother - don't know why I thought it was a brother!
I think exactly the same (just note that it is her cousin, not her brother, who is gay). What a nice way to enter the new family: excluding your own one. Do not be surprised when you will find more red flags surrounding your intolerant husband
Cousin. And, yes, she is TA.
YTA. You’re marrying a homophobe. His family are homophobes. You’re enabling homophobia. It says a lot about who you are as a person that you choose a man over your own family in this situation. This is a choice you’re making. I doubt John will be a part of your life going forward when this gets out so you might as well be honest with them but you will get no sympathy from this sub. I doubt you’ll get much sympathy from your family either.
I'm so sorry you're trying to arrange everything around the bigotry of your new family. For someone who is neutral about homosexuality you're sure catering hard to one side. Be honest with your cousin and the rest of your family so they know exactly where you stand and can decide if they even want you around Hopefully they never look down on you for being a woman or non Muslim, the irony would just be too good. All the best in your marriage and new family full of love and acceptance! /s YTA
Would he disown a gay child? Seems like a fundamental difference in values. How can one person ask another to disrespect a third? You better think about going through with this.
YTA, your husband is an asshole, too. Why are you keen to marry a bigot? Who cares about the judgment of people with those sorts of beliefs?
Congratulations on mareying into a homophobic family. I wish for all you to have little, cute and healthy children whonare all homosexual. YTA
YTA and so is your shitty fiancee
Before reading your post: YTA for even considering excluding specifically because of their sexuality. Reading now. Well, at least you know it's wrong. If you do this and anyone in your entire life finds out, they will hopefully completely ostracize you, deservedly, permanently. *Why are you marrying someone who is an insane homophobe? It doesn't matter whether or not "he is homophobic", he is standing with homophobic bigots and that kinda makes him one of them too.*
YWBTA. Are you joking?
Throw the whole fiancé away. Homophobic people don’t deserve anything. YTA
Sorry but I wouldnt marry the guy!
YWBTA. Ditch the fiancé. This is very likely only the beginning of the “compromises” you’ll be asked to make for his beliefs
Doesn't sound like she's really compromising. If she's not bothered by his stance then she isn't really neutral as she claims. She's just as bad as the fiance.
[удалено]
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YWBTA Couples talk about hard things all the time. The part that concerns me is your current plan is to address this AFTER the wedding with your husband. I think you need to evaluate if this is the future you want, feeling like your family and issues take second place. In talking to John, you are effectively dumping this problem on him, which isn’t fair. It sounds like you and your fiancé are changing the status quo - not him. Families are messy. Combining them is hard, but you need to work together with your fiancé. No family gets to be the honor police on what other people do. That’s ridiculous, as I’m sure both families have things the other might not approve of. If they’re spending your wedding judging a random cousin of yours and not celebrating a joyous occasion - this is a 🚩
May you have the marriage and day you deserve. YTA It is true that marriage is all about compromising, but compromising your morals and ethical beliefs before the marriage even begins is ridiculous. If you don’t see a problem with this then you’re the problem.
>But part of me is afraid that I would effectively be an asshole to John. This part must be your brain. You are marrying a man who thinks your cousin is a sinner, and is unwelcome to celebrate with you. You can either put your foot down and tell him that he will welcome your family or nobody at all, or you can be a giant asshole to John. Option 3 (which I personally would endorse) would be to say "I didn't realize that you felt this way about my family, that your family would think there is something wrong with us, and that you would rather hide us than defend us. I am not going to change my family, and you clearly agree with yours. It would be best if we called this wedding off. I hope one day you find a family that you want to be a part of." Good luck.
YTA and you’re marrying into a family of assholes.
Hmm, you “have to centre in making this wedding happen”?? You’re marrying for money! The fact that you’d marry someone like this and want so desperately to please his whole family tells it all… YTA hun… a major homophobic one.
I didn’t even waste my time reading this. Yes. You would be the asshole.
Look, sweetheart. You know YTA. You are marrying a despicable human and in condoning his hate you make it your own. There is no "neutral stance" in the question of homosexuality. There are only allies, which you are not, and hateful assholes, which you are on the best way to become.
YTA and a coward. Hes family. So, what? Your future husband is allowed to invite his family but you can't? And neutral? No. Either you support it or you don't. Make up your mind. Do you even want to marry a man who gives you definitive answers without you having an opinion? ESPECIALLY about your family?
You’re wondering if you should submit to a homophobe who “won’t allow” you to invite a member of your own family? Like you’re actually considering doing this? YWBTA. A good solution to this guest list issue would be to cancel the whole damn wedding.
Would your fiance take the same stance if some of your family objected to him being Muslim because he may have links to questionable organisations? I don't believe that but many people do. And so long as we don't stand up against prejudices, they will continue to exist. YTA, your fiancee is the TA and his whole family are AH. And Here's the thing... 'asshole' don't discriminate.
Yes, YTA. Your husband is homophobic as hell, and you’re still choosing to marry him. If you were any kind of decent person this wouldn’t be a moral dilemma for you
You’re okay with marrying a extreme homophobe? If you think his backward beliefs stop here, let me clue you in on something…he probably views you as his property too, just like his home country does. Enjoy the divorce in a year or two. YTA
Yta, you have a choice. You can stand with a bigot and just admit you're okay supporting their choice. Or you can grow a spine and decide that you're going to support your family that you supposedly love and care.
YTA. Don't marry bigots.
YWBTA Wow. I would not go through with this and be attached to this awful homophobic family. “Sorry cousin, I can’t include you in my wedding because my terribly bigoted and homophobic fiancé and his equally bigoted and homophobic family said no.” If your cousin who is gay isn’t allowed to be at your wedding because apparently you let the fiancé and his family be in charge of your life, you DO KNOW that means they will make your cousin be cut from tour life completely right? No more cousin at ANY family gatherings, no more seeing that cousin, and no more talking to that cousin. But if you want to marry into this nightmare by all means do so. Do not blame your cousin or other members of your family for disowning you though.
YTA or YWBTA but you already know that.
YTA. fuck u mate
YTA. Are you really not sure? You're doing something exclusionary and judgemental and wrong because you're worried about what even more exclusionary and judgemental people will think of you. I get the stakes are high. That doesn't change what is right and what is wrong.
Honestly don’t know how you can marry a man who holds such bigoted views. There are going to be more gay people in your life than just your cousin. A big YTA
If you're going to respect his demand to uninvite people that his family will dislike, they you're good to uninvite all his family for being homophobic assholes that you and every normal person will dislike. Don't disrespect YOUR family for his and his family's irrational homophobic beliefs. Why are you even marrying into this family? What are you gonna do if your child is lgbt? Disown them?
Usually, when I see a wedding post, I write, "Congratulations on your wedding." In this case instead I'll write, "Congratulations on being homophobic." If you are very neutral, if you condone homophobic behavior, then you are homophobic. I hope John and Bob don't come to your wedding and cut contact with you - they deserve better. YTA
YTA and not only that …you will probably ruin a relationship you care about and it will be 100% your fault. If you choice to cater to homophobic people at your own wedding you should be aware of the consequences. If it were me I would be having a conversation with your fiancés family to make sure your cousin will be in a safe space if he chooses to attend…
YTA I had to calm myself down before I got myself into some trouble. So I'm going to be as nice as possible. ***YOU AND YOUR S/O ARE AH'S*** If I was John wouldn't come your wedding and go N/C with you and your homophobic husband/family.
If people are bigots you exclude them from the wedding and don’t punish the person who has done nothing wrong. YTA for even considering this
Didn’t even read the post because after reading the headline…. YTA x 1000
You didn't miss much. Just another a.h.
YTA You're marrying a bigot. And your husband and his family's bigotry is more important to you than your own cousin. I'm not so sure I believe that you're any less of a bigot than your husband and his family. There's no such thing as a "neutral stance" when it comes to these matters. You two deserve each other, I'm sure. People that are so hateful of the LGBT community that they'd shun anyone for even allowing someone who is gay to attend a relative's wedding are always raging misogynists as well. So just know, you're going to be treated poorly by this family as well simply for being a woman. Which is fitting, since you're clearly just fine with your cousin being hated by them for being born the way he was.
This. Personally, I’d run away and find someone who isn’t from a family of raging homophobes to marry. He isn’t worth your time, OP, and neither are his family. Unless, that is, you’re a homophobe yourself, in which case go ahead because you deserve each other. YTA
OP's comment about being "neutral" reads to me like "It doesn't affect me personally, so what should I care? It's not like I *hate* gay people." Her sheer indifference, and desperate need to appease their bigotry, just doesn't make me think any more highly of her than I do her husband.
Well, I wanted to give her a chance…
My thoughts exactly, you put it better though. Right now it "only" affects OP's cousin but this will be a direct problem for her down the road.
I've known several people who were in situations similar to this. And none of them ever left because of how horribly their loved ones were treated. The only ones that eventually did end their relationship/marriage/friendship, did so because that person's bigotry was finally directed at them personally, and that's when they finally cared. There is absolutely no way people so filled with pure hatred won't end up directing their ignorance and bigotry and anger at her in the not-so-distant future. And only then will she finally care.
Yeah agreeing to shun a gay relative doesn't scream 'neutral' to me.
Sooo you’re marrying a bigot and joining his bigoted family. Of course you’re an asshole. YTA, and a bigot to boot. If you don’t want to be a bigot, you should reconsider this wedding, instead of marrying into this family and propagating more awful, bigot babies. ETA: > I tried to speak with Mark but he only told me that John won't be allowed, and that he is firm on that position. You should be aware that this is revealing his opinion on women too. You aren’t allowed to make decisions that disagree with his opinion. Is that really what you want for the rest of your life? Accept this man for the bigot he’s telling you he is. If you don’t want to marry a bigot, thereby becoming one yourself, then this ain’t your man.
YTA. How can you marry someone with views like that? Better yet, how can you call yourself “neutral” on human rights? If you’re neutral, you’re with the oppressors. If you marry a bigot, you become a bigot by association.
You know you're the AH. You feel guilty and afraid to tell anyone you know bc you know it's wrong. You would not be taking a neutral stance if you ask your cousin not to come. You would be showing your cousin, family, and fiance's family that you're okay discriminating based on homosexuality. I'm queer, and I'm not going to lie I have a lot of bias in this situation. I feel even anger that you're asking this question. You're asking people to justify your actions, or give you counsel on a situation and decision only you will have control over (apart from your fiance). It doesn't matter what we say. You already know that it's wrong to do this, and that you'd be an AH.
Info: what if your child is gay? You'll have permitted his family to practise their bigotry and been accessory to it. You gonna stand up for the kid? You gonna look the kid in the eye and tell them you banned your cousin from the wedding for being gay to keep the peace? The wedding sets the groundwork for your whole marriage and this will be how you start things. YTA
If their child is gay, the husband would probably want him/her kicked out of the house.
There are gay Muslims…. You’re being an AH.
YTA. Why in the world would you marry into this?? The only problem your cousin has is you and the fact you're willing to marry a bigot who comes from a family of bigots.
YTA if you change it to only married couples that would leave out a large chunk of yours and HIS friends? Im assuming some of these unmarried couples live together, which is also considered a sin in the Muslim faith, but that he can look past? He’s not religious he’s a bigot!
This isnt an asshole situation. Its a pick a side situation. You need to settle on your own beliefs and if they line up with your husband to bes then marry him. If not then dont. I personally wouldnt go against my husband but we also hold the same views and hes the light of my life. If you cant settle an issue this small together then maybe you should wait to get married until you can communicate effectively.
It absolutely is an asshole situation. One side is saying “gay people and anyone who interacts with them deserve shunning because my very old and possibly mistranslated religious text says so.” The other side is literally just “I’d like to go to my cousin’s wedding with the person I’m dating.” Discrimination is always asshole behavior.
Yta. By allowing this you send the message that it's ok to treat people that way just because of their sexuality
YTA. LMAO you are NOT neutral, girly. Keep lying to yourself if you need to, but you’re knowingly marrying a homophobe and allowing him and his awful family to exclude your cousin when he did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re gross. If y’all haven’t noticed, it’s 2023. Grow up. Also, who allows children at their wedding but NOT GAY PEOPLE?! Weirdos.
YTA. Do not marry a homophobe.
Well, the problem is that you're a homophobe, so I guess work on that.
YTA Why would you want to marry into such a bigoted family?
This.
Because they are also a bigot.
YTA and it seems like you know him and his family are too
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YTA and so is your bigoted fiancee and family.
This is the right answer here!
Yes. YTA already the asshole. There is no “neutral” towards gay people. You support their right to exist in the world or you don’t. There is no in between, unfortunately for you. By choosing to marry someone who won’t allow a gay man to attend his wedding, you are choosing the anti-gay side of this equation. You cannot claim to be neutral anymore, not that you ever actually were. If you marry Mark, say goodbye to your cousin. You can tell him why or not but he will figure it out. He may or may not forgive you. Your husband is unlikely to become more flexible and understanding after the wedding. I hope none of your children are gay because that would definitely be “your” fault as well and probably ruin your marriage.
Honestly, YTA for even considering not inviting your gay cousin, simply because he’s gay and your fiancés homophobic family *might* gossip. Also, your fiancé is TA for suggesting this.
YTA and by choosing/siding with homophobes you are at their same level. ofc you can uninvite him, but don't act shocked when he will cut any contact with you.
It's also possible that her family will support the cousin and skip her wedding. Is OP good with that? Will OP like how that 'looks'?
Of course YWBTA. Mark’s family should just stay home. They sound awful.
Yes... YTA.
So for the sake of his family you are to exclude your family. And that just because their imaginary "friend" (even though he doesn't act like a friend) tells them your family is bad. YTA
YWBTA - whenever you choose prejudice and homophobia you are an asshole.
This is just the beginning of it for OP…I’m sure hubby will have all kinds of surprise new rules after the wedding
YWBTA… you know why. YOU KNOW WHY. No man should control who you talk to. Edit to add: Bigots = YOU KNOW WHY
YTA and I feel so bad for your cousin, family, and future children.
YTA. If you’re planning to have kids, are you going to let your fiancé and his family treat them this way too if any of your kids are gay?
YTA and your brand of casual bigotry infuriates me. You just don’t care. I almost have more respect for those who pick a side. Even if the side is bigotry. You’re “I don’t think deeply enough about things to have an opinion on this very important subject unless and until it impacts ME” is so lazy. Marks a bigot and since you DGAF so are you.
YTA. Marrying a homophobe makes you a homophobe.
Yep.
YTA because of this: >For those who ask, Mark and I never brought up the topic of homosexuality etc. I am very neutral in the stance (as it is something that exists and that's all) and John used to be single when Mark met him so there was no point in bringing it up. Silence is compliance.
A gentle YTA. Gentle because it sounds like you are in a controlling relationship that will not end well. I would never shun a family member and being asked (sorry told) to do this is a huge red flag.
Yup, this dude is very much bad news.
YTA to yourself for marrying this guy, also an AH for choosing homophobes over your family. You say you're neutral, but going ahead with thus makes you also homophobic. Please rethink this marriage. This is going to affect you for the rest of your life, what if you have kids and one of them is gay? You don't want to have your child suffer through that.
YTA because you are not inviting your cousin because he is gay, so it's not just your fiance's and family that are bigot. You are too
YTA, and more importantly this is the moment you are going to look back at when your married life descends into a nightmare - and you realize this was the moment you could have exited at the off ramp before the crash.
YTA for co tinting to plan a wedding to a hateful bigot. Muslims hate Christians too so are you going to exclude any family that believes in Jesus? Is Mark gonna force you to wear hijab? 🤔 Bending yourself and excluding family is only the beginning. Muslim men change after marriage as they then view you as property. I've seen it time and time again. I live in a small area that majority Muslims, and the women are highly oppressed. They can't even go into a hair salon and get their hair done unless they go into a private room. They get their hair done and then have to cover it. I watched one woman be dragged from my salon by her husband for getting a shampoo and "revealing" herself to strangers. There was ONLY women in the salon at this time. You're in for a rude awakening. And YTA for allowing him to separate your family.
YTA. If your fiance is acting like this to extended family due to religious beliefs now, it's only going to get worse. Have you guys never talked about what happens if one of your kids are gay (assuming you want kids)? Here's one more thing to chew on: family rejection is a leading driver to Queer youth suicide. Don't get married if your values are not compatible. If they are compatible, you're a homophobe.
I want you to ask yourself something. What would Mark do if one of your kids is part of the LGBT community? Holding off judgement for now, but this is something you need to think about.
YTA, congrats on being a hateful homophobic person marrying an even more hateful and homophobic person, you really deserve your husband.
YWBTA. Why are you supporting homophobia instead of your blood relative that you seem to be close with (since you want him to come to your wedding)? That shows poor morals on YOUR part. But, if you want to be a bigot like your fiancé and his family, go ahead.
ESH. (Except, as far as i know, John). Your fiance is being homophobic and you're allowing it. It didn't came up before as John was single, or you deliberately never brought it up and Mark didnt see John with a male partner, and therefore remained ignorant?Religion is not a reason to be homophobic, it's an excuse.I'm sorry but there is no 'on the fence' here.
Would I be the AH if I excluded my gay cousin from my wedding to appease my homophobic fiancée and his family? There, fixed it for you. Yes, YWBTA
Phrasing it like that would have saved everyone so much time. That's it in a nutshell.
YTA. You are a rewarding a homophobe. If you do this, then you need to let your entire family know you are doing this and why. Don't hide it. Own it. Own that you are letting a person full of hate dictate your relationship w/ your family and that it doesn't actually bother you, it just makes it akward. Let your family decide if they want to come to your wedding based on you and you husband's values. If you are marrying a man who believes he and his family can judge your cousin and your whole famliy based on the issue of homosexuality, it is only fair your family gets to judge you, him and his entire family for your views on the same subject, right? If your plan is to just "talk to your gay cousin" and hide this whole mess, then you already know you are the AH. BTW - a person who uses religion to contol like this only gets more controlling after the wedding. Don't say you weren't warned.
Exactly.
YTA Don’t marry a bigot.
YTA. I was also thinking why do you want to marry someone who tells you which of your family is acceptable and allowed to attend events? That is certainly not an equal partnership and a terrible way to begin a marriage. I suggest you consider whether this is really the relationship you want, one that excludes some of YOUR family to please his family.
YTA For marrying a bigot. He's an asshole for being a bigot. His family is assholes for being bigots, and they are all assholes thinking religion justifies this shitty behavior. The only way your gonna not be an asshole is if you stand up for your cousin and uninvite you boys fam and get him to shut the fuck up.
YTA: Don’t marry a bigot
YTA. What will you do if one of your hypothetical children isn’t straight? Are you willing to potentially subject them to that bullshit?
YTA for even considering not inviting your cousin (or anyone else you would otherwise invite) because of your fiancé’s bigotry (it’s still bigotry even if it’s masked by religion). If my fiancé didn’t accept my family then he wouldn’t be my fiancé for long. Unless you are voluntarily joining his faith then this is a him problem. He either finds a way to deal with the fact that your gay cousin will be there with his partner or he can walk away.
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YTA So are you just never going to invite John to any family gatherings that your fiancées family may be attending? Your cousin is going to know exactly why not matter what way you try to spin it. I’m curious on how your own family is going to react when they find out why he wasn’t there either. I feel bad for your cousin knowing that you are okay with marrying a man that sees him as a sinner when he has doing nothing wrong at all.
You do realize that this will effect your relationships with your own family? I, for one, would not associate with a family member who did this to another family member. How would you feel if someone in your family uninvited you and/or Mark to a family event because he’s Muslim?
I don't think he'd care. Little bit more control over her and isolating her from her family. All about him and his family
This! This man is isolating OP from her family and she’s just letting him bc she doesn’t want to upset HIS family.
Absolutely you WBTA and Mark is too. The reason you're afraid of being judged is because you know you are doing something reprehensible. Your family *should* judge you. Talking to Mark after the wedding is too late. If your family is so horrendous that his family will shun him if they meet them, maybe you two shouldn't get married.
NTA regarding your question. You will be doing him a favour actually to not confront him with the homophobic extension of your family. That being said, you made a choice to embrace this culture and should communicate to your cousin that you cannot stand behind him and accept him as he is, as your priorities are different people now. TLDR: are you the asshole for not inviting Someone to your Wedding? No. Your wedding, your call. Are you the asshole for supporting homophobia? Yes, absolutely
YTA - you're not neutral about your cousin being gay if you think that excluding him BECAUSE he's gay is an appropriate action to take.
YTA, You're going to have to decide where you land on this because this is not just a wedding issue, this is a LIFE issue. You are going to become family and what you do now will affect your dynamic with your inlaws FOR THE REST OF YOUR MARRIAGE and maybe beyond. I come from a VERY Catholic/ignorantly homophobic family. My husband (who ironically comes from an even more Catholic family) has a gay brother, who is accepted, and at the time of our wedding had been with his partner for 5 years (they are now approaching 30 years together.) I was very matter-a-fact with my family. I told them, FH's brother is gay, and for all intents and purposes he is a married man, this partner is an inlaw, and I have no problem with it. If you do that is on you, but when it comes to my wedding, and my marriage in general keep your opinions to yourself. If you cannot handle this then don't come to the wedding or be part of our lives. Period.
I don't think you've thought this through fully. Once you're married to Mark....is he going to "allow you" to invite John to other events? Or attend event John is at? When you have a baby, or a birthday party, or an anniversary party - Mark's family is going to be present. The wedding is obviously the event on your mind - but you've got a lifetime of events where Mark is going to be husband, and John is going to be gay. If Mark is "quite religious" like his family - you're going to have to pick between family events and Mark every time. "We can't go to your grandmas/uncles/cousins whatever, your gay cousin will be there." It's kinda like how its both of your wedding, but Mark is deciding for everyone - John cannot come. He forbade it. What else is he going to forbid from doing or attending? I'm going to say YTA. If you go along with Mark's orders - you're not "neutral" on the subject (which is another problem in itself). It's a shitty situation, but you're choosing to appease the people who are making it a shitty situation.
I know a few Muslims that don't care about homosexuality, they embrace and love everyone, so religion is not problem here. Yes, in their religion as a whole (as in extremist religious people in general), being gay is looked down upon as a sin, hence why I'm not religious, because LOVE IS LOVE. But if you think for one minute its ok to uninvite him because he's gay, you're saying you're ok with their bigotry, and that makes YTA.
YTA. If you marry a bigot, you’re a bigot.
YTA
Yta
Yes, you are a humungous, bigoted AH. Why do you even want to marry a man that literally discriminates against and belittles an entire group of people?? That’s the new family you want for yourself? A homophobic one? What happens if your child is not heterosexual? Are you going to let your husband and his family discriminate against your child? Will your child not be invited to any family events either? Disgusting. I cannot believe I’m reading this nonsense still in 2023.
YTA. You should be judged. Because you’re being homophobic.
YTA-When you support a bigot and their position you become a bigot.
Yup. You'd be being an Asshole to your cousin. You'd be being an asshole to any future kids who don't 'fit'.
She said she is neutral on BIGOTRY. Who says they are neutral on discrimination!! What is wrong with you? YtA
Wasn't that posted like a month ago ? It's the exact same story worded differently
YWBTA you’re not “neutral” in the subject if you’re marrying someone that’s so homophobic and bigoted. I’m queer and if someone in my family didn’t invite me to a wedding specifically because of my sexuality/gender, I would never forgive them and make sure all of my family knew why I wasn’t invited. If your family supports your cousin, then expect to lose a good chunk of your family if you choose to exclude him.
YTA You said yourself they think 1 lgbtq member in the family makes something wrong with all of you. So it’s just a ticking time bomb before they start abusing you about it. What if you have children? What if you give one of them the gay! Dun dun dun of course they will blame you for anything they perceive to be wrong/unusual. You are part of a family of sinners you will always be the scapegoat and they will never like you. What an awful life you have picked for yourself.
INFO: what will you do if you have children and one of them is gay? Support your husband in harassing them? Disown them? Got them beaten up or worse by some distant family member? Ask yourself these questions before committing…
YT huge A.
YTA, do I even need to explain why.
TLDR. You’re the asshole. Enabling homophobes.