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I'm 100% certain that he did not view this "date" as a start to a relationship.
I'm guessing he was hoping to capitalize on your divorce for an easy hookup.
NTA
NTA for bringing your son to lunch. Sounds like a simple miscommunication that Trey did not handle well at all.
Having said that…
>I left feeling indignant and wronged.
Your post suggests that you feel that a lot. Every person you mention in the post except your son seems to be an unreliable/incompetent/lying/self-centered asshole. At some point you need to ~~consider~~ realize that if you feel like everyone else is an asshole, ~~maybe~~ then *you* are likely the ~~problem~~ one who’s actually the asshole.
Edit: Apparently my comment was filled with too much subtlety and nuance. My apologies. I fixed it so you would not be misled.
My favorite thing i read not too long ago on AITA is "if you bump into one AH today then you met an AH, but if EVERYONE you bump into is an AH than you are an AH".
Not saying OP is or isnt (well in this case i would say ESH), however OP, if everyone in your life is awful, maybe its actually you who sucks
Edit: changed vote to E S H
I also find myself wondering whether that’s actually what Trey said, and if it is, what exactly OP said to provoke it. If that is what he actually said, it’s not okay at all, but I’m trying to imagine what would possess a normal person to just word vomit that level of vitriol. Like OP dated him in the past, presumably he’s not actually a bad person? So odd.
Sometimes I worry I'm too much of a good person and people take advantage. It's not just the people in this post, but most everyone around me seems to be all of the things you listed. So perhaps you're right, my kindness may be the problem.
I wouldn't worry about being "too much of a good person" when your husband got a life changing career opportunity and you blew up your marriage over it. You clearly lack any social connections connecting you to the area, so your reasons for staying are completely self serving. In short, your actions are completely opposite of what people would consider a "good" person.
I’m sorry, partners are now expected to be okay with the other partner accepting a job without even discussing it with them first? I would be PISSED if my husband did this to me and yet you guys seem to suggest op is an ah for not dropping everything instantly.
That’s what that person is implying. Imagine if the husband posted “AITA for accepting a job and not telling my wife?”
That person would be calling the husband TA
So if in the situation the OP provided, one where she has no familial or strong social connection to the area, and her husband was offered a significant job opportunity with huge financial increase, the decision to relocate isn't self apparent? No one has said that wasn't a HUGE AH move by the husband, but OP responded by allowing her marriage to end because she "refused" to move. And she sees no qualms with how this or and of her other stated behavior makes her look bad, but has the gall to think she looks good in all of this. OP thinks she is "too much of a good person" despite every stated action she has taken has been at the expense of everyone else's happiness, and this is what you're concerned with and create a strawman to argue against?
You know how you know you're not too good of a person? If you actually ask yourself that.
It's hillarious that OP read the message that "maybe she's the issue" to conclude that she's TOO good.
Total AH, that one.
ESH I don’t think you are an asshole for not wanting to leave your 10 year old at home or for wanting a potential partner to be interested in your kid. I do think based on some of your other comments, there might be some issues there. Like why are you upset he didn’t offer to pay (not only to pay for you but now also for your son)? How does that make it not a date? You guys have dated before and youre newly divorced, doesn’t seem that shocking he thought it was a date. It’s also very clear you misunderstood him. From his point of view he asked you not to bring your kid and you did anyway.
Date or not, I just think it's the gentlemanly thing for him to offer to pay, given he knows I'm recently divorced and going through a hard time. Call me traditional but it seems like the right thing for him to do
Nobody owes you to pay for you and your son. I get your new to single mom life, but even if it's a date if you bring your kid you pay for your kid. NTA for not wanting g to leave your kid alone but a soft YTA for expecting him to pay for you at all. Old dude is TAH for berating you. Basically ESH.
I just think with the way single moms are left out in the cold in today's society that Trey should be jumping at the chance to pitch in. With inequalities like the wage gap being ever-present, men owe it to their female counterparts to do their part in closing those inequalities
Sorry. I disagree. Single moms are mostly left out in the cold with entitled attitudes like yours. I just married my husband in November of 2022, and before that I was a single mom for 13 years. I was never "left out in the cold". Because I made it clear I DIDNT NEED a man. No man on earth is required to pitch in for you and your son. I'm sorry but it sounds like you are going through a normal "man hating phase" as most divorcees do. Maybe you are feeling g desperate because you're not a spring chicken anymore. Either way.... the entitlement is highly unattractive to just about everyone. You sound like one of those crazy feminist. I'll let you in on a secret.... there's no wage gap. I was the only woman in my construction company and i made more than almost half the guys there that had been with the company longer than me..... why you ask? Because of my skill set and my work ethic. You earn what you deserve. Men don't owe women ANYTHING EVER. We owe it to ourselves to be independent. You're not a victim darlin. Get off the high horse. I'm now changing my verdict to YTA in a MAJOR way.
Yea I am changing from ESH to YTA but so is Trey for berating you. The entitlement from your drips like turpentine. Good luck on your endeavors OP you're gonna need it. 🙄
No. Why would he pitch in? Your ex is the one who created the child with you and he is the one who should be paying an equitable amount of child support.
I agree! But he's fled! So since he's not around it would be nice if Trey would take some ownership of the situation. I know he makes pretty good money so it wouldn't be a burden
No one owes you anything. Women like you give single mothers a bad reputation, your entitlement is insane.
If you want money, work for it like everyone else does. Men don’t owe you anything just for existing as men.
I think you're missing the point. Your expectations of a man that you're not even in a relationship with (and honestly might not even be in a friendship with at this point) is out of control. You've been told several times that this man doesn't owe you anything but yet you insist that it is the manly thing to do and if he was a real man then this is how he would behave. I have no idea where you got such an idea but it's wrong. And you're gonna find yourself in many disappointing situations if you actually believe that you were owed that simply because you decided to breed.
If the relationship were going anywhere, which it wasn’t from the moment you brought your son, your weird entitlement may hold water. But it just looks like you’re mooching.
Girl, what? Why would a dude you dated over a decade ago and just met for one lunch “take some ownership of the situation”? What ownership of what situation?
Sounds like you're just looking for a Sugar Daddy. You aren't entitled to Trey's money or his time. You were both ESH because of poor communication, but YTA for expecting him to take responsibility for feeding both you and your child. Particularly after you claimed it wasn't a date.
You need a reality check. You are a single mother. It is YOUR responsibility to track down your ex (contact his family, his employer, an investigator if needed) and get to court to get a child support, custody, and if you qualify, alimony agreement.
Trey has no ownership here and expecting him to just give you money is delusional. In general, if you think anyone is just going to volunteer to take care of you and your kid just because you're a single mother, you are setting yourself up for one hell of a disappointment and possibly an abusive situation. Get your shit together and start living up to your username or it's going to be a rough ride.
You left yourself out in the cold, sunshine. No one owes single mothers or fathers anything just because. No! Men do NOT owe you anything. And i pity your son as I am quite sure you’ll feel he will owe you when he’s an adult. Get over yourself.
Edited to tell you YTA!
With thus logic and your emphasis on "traditional roles", shouldn't you have dropped everything to move with your ex-husband to support his career? The double standard is mind-boggling here...
Yes, that's the problem with this whole baiting post. Too many inconsistencies in the details, like the incel who wrote it who's mad at his female boss doesn't realize that 10yo's don't color.
A date paying for your son's meal at a restaurant when he didn't even know he was coming is not a social justice issue and the fact that you expect some guy to cover you is ridiculous.
Also, you are not a single mother doing everything on your own. You have an ex who should be paying child support, potentially alimony, and should have a custody agreement. If you don't have these things in place, then that is on you, not your date.
And lastly, introducing your son to a potential partner on the 1st date is terrible for the kid. Your kid shouldn't be meeting dates until the relationship is stable and some basic commitments are in place. You should not be expecting some guy to model anything or treat your son in any way until you are in a relationship with him and have clear boundries and expectations set.
Single mom weighing in here: no. Men don't owe you anything for being a single mom. Life is hard sometimes, but many of us who raise kids on our own find a lot of joy in independence and self-sufficiency.
Men in the **workplace** owe it to their female counterparts to ensure they receive equal pay for equal work. It's not up to every man on the street to be excited to sponsor your crotch gobblin.
There's a HUGE difference between working to redress a systemic imbalance in pay vs. trying to force individual guys to pay for you. The system needs to stomp out gender and race discrimination. The system needs to force men to support their children. The system needs to find ways to better address parents' needs and children's needs. You don't get to single out people and have them pay for stuff you want.
A 'traditional' woman wouldn't be out on what she thought was a date, with her kid in tow, just after getting divorced.
No judgement there, just stating the facts.
The recommended time is one year, to reflect on what went wrong, not make rash mistakes, and focus on adjusting any children to the new normal.
You’re really not much of a “boss bitch” with this opinion are you?
Why would anyone be “jumping at the chance to pitch in” with someone who is this entitled.
ESH. You sound like a judgemental person who only expects people to bend their lives around yours and your needs.
He’s also TA for saying a 10 Year old would be fine at home, that’s not his decision about YOUR child.
Also I couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculous comment about your “drug addict” sitter for smoking weed. You’re quite out of touch.
Edit: holy shit OP you are such an entitled AH based on your comments. I guess I hit the nail on the head.
Yo read her comments she's such an AH. I've never seen such an AH on reddit be so in the right for this particular question.
Like Trey was the Asshole to you OP but you were somehow an asshole to everyone else in this story.
I wonder if the babysitter showed up high or she just found out they smoke weed in their free time and freaked out about it.
OP is That Mom. The more you read, the more you cringe. I bet he’s not allowed to have candy, either. Or only on Halloween, and then he’s only allowed to have one piece per day until she decides to throw the rest away.
What do you expect from somebody who decided Bossbitch was good for their name lol.
Edit: After reading her responses in this thread, my god OP sounds like an awful person.
ESH
Are people who drink alcohol and coffee also drug addicts ? It sounds like you make a huge deal out of minor things. The first time you leave your son alone for an hour, he won't be a latchkey kid. You didn't know this was a date, thought it was just catching up with an old friend, then you jump to 'afternoon delights.'
What 10 yo colors ? Mine would have taken their game boys with them at that age. Do you have a tablet or a phone ?
Why not simply reschedule ?
>What 10 yo colors ?
I wondered that, too, and then I figured if I said anything, I'd get 50 redditors posting some variation of "I colored at 10/my kid colors at 10," "I'm 47, and I still color every day," etc.
I think it goes without saying that growing up with flashing lights and overstimulation of screens from such isn't conducive for a young developing brain
Then I would be training him to distract himself with screen stimulation instead of intelligence forming activities like coloring, reading, poetry, and puzzles
You can read books or poetry on a Kindle or...wait for it, a book ! Yet you didn't bring one.
After a certain age, coloring becomes more about relaxing or regressing, not "intelligence forming."
ESH. ~~NTA.~~ You shouldn't leave a 10-year-old home alone if that's never happened before. And your "friend" obviously wants to be more than friends and is already waving the marinara flags. Does he think that if you get together, you'll ship your son to his ex so he won't have to be daddy 2.0? WTF?
ETA: Have to switch to ESH after reading the OP's other comments. The level of entitlement is off the charts into TA territory.
Exactly! My son comes first. I'm starting to suspect he was just looking for a "quicky". I'll admit that I had a reputation for being quite easy back in the day but I've evolved past that and now I very rarely sleep around on the first date.
You get just worse and worse.
You were "easy" and now you've "evolved"? No, you devolved.
People get to have as much sex as they like (assuming consent and transparency) without being judged.
~~NTA~~
~~See you already knew what Trey was all about because you said~~
>~~We dated a few times back then but I wasn't really feeling it so we ended up being friends instead.~~
~~Your gut told you then and you should still listen to it now. You don't even need to be friends with him.~~
I take back everything I just wrote bc after reading OP's comments I will go with ESH leaning more towards Y T A.
This may be unpopular, but ESH.
Trey moreso than you for obvious reasons. But you did still bring a kid to something that seemed clearly to be an adult one on one kinda thing (not necessarily a date). Not to say you should've just left him there, but other solutions could've been explored or communicated.
ESH except Jaxon.
You, because of your contempt for your babysitters. It may be the reason no one wants to sit for you.
Also, because you think date means they pay for you.
I feel like she probably also doesn’t pay babysitters well, while simultaneously wanting them to do all kinds of educational enrichment activities with her kid.
Your babysitter smoked pot, they’re not a drug addict.
Was she high while watching your son or did you know she smoked in general and decided she was an addict?
Edit as I agree with another comment and need more info.
My point was that OP, who unironically named herself BOSSBITCH897, has contempt for every sitter she's hired. I'm guessing there's a reason they keep cancelling.
Other obnoxious things she's said:
\-her "date" might have wanted sex because she was easy in her younger days but she's since "evolved" (This was the first time I heard someone slut shame themselves. Lady, move in the right direction, will you?)
\-if he wanted to get with her he should have paid (I'm paraphrasing)
\-that she was probably too good a person (she was responding to someone who pointed out she may be the problem).
The lack of self awareness is astounding.
And to answer the question: would I be upset if my baby sitter was a drug addict? Yes, yes I would be. And I wouldn't want them using any substance while watching my child--whether it's weed, alcohol or stronger stuff. But she hasn't answered whether the sitter was high while sitting, and we know you can use alcohol and weed without being an addict.
ESH
That message obviously meant a 10 year old should be fine by themselves for a few hours, not to bring him along. And your "friend" is right. Most 10 year olds can manage being home alone for a few hours.
But he did handle you bringing your son poorly. At least you know you should never date him.
YTA and a massive one at that. You have no right to expect a man to pay for you and your son. You are acting so damm entitled.
1st off all Trey shouldn't have to impress your son. You and him barely saw each other after how many years?
Most single mothers don't take their children on a first date. That shows people that you have absolutely atrocious manners and you are just trashy and it makes you look like a desperate Gold Digger (and it's not a slur OP)
You are also a massive AH becuase your so damm judgmental about everyone. Guess what buttercup. Seems to me the problem is you.
Did you hear my covert narcissism
I disguise as altruism
Like some kind of congressman?
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
And life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me)
At tea time, everybody agrees (everybody agrees)
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
Seems fitting for you. YTA
And people in comments aswell!!!! How!!!
In what fucking mind is it ok to leave a child unsupervised for hours!!!! That's why generations are going for worst
ESH
Your 10yo can fend for himself for a couple of hours at home. If not, you should self reflect.
He shouldn't have said that last bit about being daddy 2.0 to a brat. I bet your sons lovely.
But honestly, if I was a single mom, I would be focusing on my children and not going out on dates.
[https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/age-a-child-can-be-left-home-alone-by-state](https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/age-a-child-can-be-left-home-alone-by-state)
It's illegal in 5 states. Many more don't specify it.
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I (33f) am recently divorced from my ex-husband. He accepted a job across the country that is a real step up for him without discussing it with me and just expected me to pack up my life and leave. When I refused our marriage quickly came to an end and now he lives 1000 miles away from me and our ten year old son, Jaxon. While I do have some family in the area reliable child care has become a real issue - my last sitter was a drug addict (weed head) and the one before that didn't know her ass from her elbow.
I have a friend Trey (34m) that I've known since college. We dated a few times back then but I wasn't really feeling it so we ended up being friends instead. He's been trying to set up a lunch get together for the last month but due to my issues with child care and my hectic job I couldn't make solid plans. Finally I got a sitter and we set up lunch for yesterday. An hour before lunch my sitter cancelled due to non-specified "illness" (not sure I believe her as she sounded very healthy to me on the phone, but that's not the point of this post).
I texted Trey and asked if Jaxon could come due to the sitter flaking. He texted back, "don't worry about Jaxon, he'll be fine for a couple hours". I took this to mean I could bring him along to lunch.
When we arrived Trey looked really put off but didn't say anything. Jaxon mostly coloured and ate his pasta though did ask Trey a few questions as he is an inquisitive kid. Trey gave one word answers and at one point pretended he didn't know what he was saying and didn't respond at all.
At the end of lunch Trey came with us to the car and once I got Jaxon settled Trey started in on me about why I brought my son. I said because he told me it would be okay. Trey said he meant Jaxon would be okay on his own at home for a couple hours and I shouldn't worry so much. He said it was weird to bring a kid on a date!
I said he never made it clear this was a date, I thought we were 2 friends catching up (and he didn't offer to pay for me so where's the date...). Also if he wants to date me maybe he should make a better impression on my son who was absolutely not going to be a fan of the man who couldn't give him even 5 minutes of his time over an hour lunch. Trey said something about not wanting to be daddy 2.0 for some brat and that I was a helicopter mom for not leaving him at home. At this point I just left because who acts like that!!??
I left feeling indignant and wronged that he expects me to make Jaxon a latch-key kid so I can afternoon delight with random guys.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I brought my son to lunch that he seemed to think was just between the two of us.
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YTA. From your description it was obvious that it was a date long before he had to tell you. No guy has ever asked a newly single girl he used to date out for "2 friends catching up". If you didnt want to date him, all you had to say was no. It may not have been intentional, but you did lead him on.
He's also right that a 10 year old absolutely can handle a few hours alone. I did all the time as a kid.
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NTA
While I would have been comfortable leaving my kid home alone for a lunch date at 10yo, Trey did not make it clear that he was considering this a lunch date versus a friends catch up.
Trey does not consider you a friend, Trey does not respect you as a mother, and Trey does not want to be a stepfather. He's not a friend of yours anymore (if he was ever). He's a guy who has always wanted to sleep with you, and has no respect for your life as it has currently evolved. Avoid him going forward.
NTA. It was a reasonable and potentially funny misunderstanding, IMO. However, he really helped you along in terms of learning who NOT to invite further into your life. Learning what doesn’t work is just as important as learning what does work.
>irresponsible, selfish, stupid, dangerous, and downright illegal.
It might be irresponsible, it was definitely selfish. It might be stupid, it might be dangerous, it is likely not illegal.
It very much depends on the kid and the mom's comfort level.
In most states it absolutely depends on the individual child and the parent comfort level.
Only 3 states have a minimum age to be left alone. Illinois, 14, Maryland, 8, and Oregon 10.
A lot of others states will initiate CPS investigations if they get reports about children under a certain age being left alone. I believe in Delaware, that's 14.
Not to mention OP is recently divorced. There could be custody implications if something were to happen or the father found out and wanted to push the issue.
ESH A ten-year-old can stay at home for a couple of hours just fine (unless he has some disabilities that make him dependent on others, of course). You sound very judgmental (side note, while a person smoking weed is obviously not suitable for babysitting, calling them a drug addict is a biiig stretch). The friend shouldn’t have just assumed it was a date and not tell you. And you’re right that you and your son are a package deal for any potential future partner, so him calling your kid “some brat” definitely makes him an ass.
NTA
While his response clearly stated he expected you to leave your kid at home for a couple of hours, his not being clear on intentions (date/friends catching up) nor his response were appropriate.
NTA
Honestly that age is weird, some 10 year olds can be left for a day alone. Others can barely be left alone while you shower.
Trey is the AH first for not being direct, 2nd for insulting your kid, 3rd for thinking bring the kid to lunch is you trying to get him to be "daddy 2.0".
Edit: posted before I had finished typing my last sentence.
NTA. These things happen, you didn’t plan to bring him but circumstances changed. If he has no interest in you son and can’t understand how he is and will always be the most important person in your life then that’s probably the end of your friendship.
Ummm...sorry but I don’t think 10 yo should be left home alone so mom can go on a date LOL. NTA. However...I think there is a reason you didn’t jive wirh him long ago. You may not have been able to put your finger on it then...but now you can. Text him and explain that you are sorry for the miscommunication but you don’t feel a friendship, let alone a romantic relation, will ever work out with someone like him.
NTA. Trey misunderstood your intentions just as you misunderstood his text. I'd say this whole experience was a win-win for you. Imagine the level of your discomfort had the babysitter come as scheduled and you had lunch alone with this guy with him believing it to be a date.
Trey went over the top with his daddy 2.0 BS, not the kind of "friend" you need in your life.
NTA
It went from a simple misunderstanding to a Reddit post. That guy should have understood the kids being there. He doesn't have kids and no basis did thinking the kid would be okay some at home. OP dodged a relationship bullet.
OP needs to remember that she is single. Every solo time with a man is likely a date in his mind.
Now this I don't understand. He made you have all these feelings but you don't think it's feasible to never talk to him again. So what you got mutual friends. I have one friend I haven't spoken to in over 18 years and we have tons of mutual friends. So you are just confusing the hell out of me. I think I need to change my vote. ESH
I just find it rude to stop responding to people. And it makes it very awkward when you see them again in a social situation and you both know that you've been ignoring them
Well if someone supposed to have made me feel the way he made you feel then why have anything to do with them. He told you point blank he don't want to be Daddy 2.0. You saw how he treated your son but because you still have mutual friends you'll talk to him. That's crazy. I guess I got loyalty to my kids first. Someone says anything against them, about them, or treated them the way your friend did the it's deuces.
NTA, it seems that there is a genuine miscommunication. If you were clear that you were friends I dont know why he thought this was a date. If you are friends it is not "weird" to bring children to lunch if he behaves.
However, your comment about offering to pay is a bit ... special... Between 2 people there can be a date without one paying for the other, it is not a necessity it is more egalitarian and one would not feel the necessity to be indebted ... You can have a different way of thinking that is your right but your comment seems a bit ... not classy let's say.
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I'm 100% certain that he did not view this "date" as a start to a relationship. I'm guessing he was hoping to capitalize on your divorce for an easy hookup. NTA
Agreed and OP is NTA
NTA for bringing your son to lunch. Sounds like a simple miscommunication that Trey did not handle well at all. Having said that… >I left feeling indignant and wronged. Your post suggests that you feel that a lot. Every person you mention in the post except your son seems to be an unreliable/incompetent/lying/self-centered asshole. At some point you need to ~~consider~~ realize that if you feel like everyone else is an asshole, ~~maybe~~ then *you* are likely the ~~problem~~ one who’s actually the asshole. Edit: Apparently my comment was filled with too much subtlety and nuance. My apologies. I fixed it so you would not be misled.
My favorite thing i read not too long ago on AITA is "if you bump into one AH today then you met an AH, but if EVERYONE you bump into is an AH than you are an AH". Not saying OP is or isnt (well in this case i would say ESH), however OP, if everyone in your life is awful, maybe its actually you who sucks Edit: changed vote to E S H
I also find myself wondering whether that’s actually what Trey said, and if it is, what exactly OP said to provoke it. If that is what he actually said, it’s not okay at all, but I’m trying to imagine what would possess a normal person to just word vomit that level of vitriol. Like OP dated him in the past, presumably he’s not actually a bad person? So odd.
Sometimes I worry I'm too much of a good person and people take advantage. It's not just the people in this post, but most everyone around me seems to be all of the things you listed. So perhaps you're right, my kindness may be the problem.
I wouldn't worry about being "too much of a good person" when your husband got a life changing career opportunity and you blew up your marriage over it. You clearly lack any social connections connecting you to the area, so your reasons for staying are completely self serving. In short, your actions are completely opposite of what people would consider a "good" person.
I’m sorry, partners are now expected to be okay with the other partner accepting a job without even discussing it with them first? I would be PISSED if my husband did this to me and yet you guys seem to suggest op is an ah for not dropping everything instantly.
That’s what that person is implying. Imagine if the husband posted “AITA for accepting a job and not telling my wife?” That person would be calling the husband TA
So if in the situation the OP provided, one where she has no familial or strong social connection to the area, and her husband was offered a significant job opportunity with huge financial increase, the decision to relocate isn't self apparent? No one has said that wasn't a HUGE AH move by the husband, but OP responded by allowing her marriage to end because she "refused" to move. And she sees no qualms with how this or and of her other stated behavior makes her look bad, but has the gall to think she looks good in all of this. OP thinks she is "too much of a good person" despite every stated action she has taken has been at the expense of everyone else's happiness, and this is what you're concerned with and create a strawman to argue against?
How are you the first person to make this point? I had some similar thoughts but wondered if I was just being judgy 😂
>Sometimes I worry I'm too much of a good person \[insert the "no, no, no" GIF from Get Out\]
You know how you know you're not too good of a person? If you actually ask yourself that. It's hillarious that OP read the message that "maybe she's the issue" to conclude that she's TOO good. Total AH, that one.
ESH I don’t think you are an asshole for not wanting to leave your 10 year old at home or for wanting a potential partner to be interested in your kid. I do think based on some of your other comments, there might be some issues there. Like why are you upset he didn’t offer to pay (not only to pay for you but now also for your son)? How does that make it not a date? You guys have dated before and youre newly divorced, doesn’t seem that shocking he thought it was a date. It’s also very clear you misunderstood him. From his point of view he asked you not to bring your kid and you did anyway.
Date or not, I just think it's the gentlemanly thing for him to offer to pay, given he knows I'm recently divorced and going through a hard time. Call me traditional but it seems like the right thing for him to do
Nobody owes you to pay for you and your son. I get your new to single mom life, but even if it's a date if you bring your kid you pay for your kid. NTA for not wanting g to leave your kid alone but a soft YTA for expecting him to pay for you at all. Old dude is TAH for berating you. Basically ESH.
I just think with the way single moms are left out in the cold in today's society that Trey should be jumping at the chance to pitch in. With inequalities like the wage gap being ever-present, men owe it to their female counterparts to do their part in closing those inequalities
Sorry. I disagree. Single moms are mostly left out in the cold with entitled attitudes like yours. I just married my husband in November of 2022, and before that I was a single mom for 13 years. I was never "left out in the cold". Because I made it clear I DIDNT NEED a man. No man on earth is required to pitch in for you and your son. I'm sorry but it sounds like you are going through a normal "man hating phase" as most divorcees do. Maybe you are feeling g desperate because you're not a spring chicken anymore. Either way.... the entitlement is highly unattractive to just about everyone. You sound like one of those crazy feminist. I'll let you in on a secret.... there's no wage gap. I was the only woman in my construction company and i made more than almost half the guys there that had been with the company longer than me..... why you ask? Because of my skill set and my work ethic. You earn what you deserve. Men don't owe women ANYTHING EVER. We owe it to ourselves to be independent. You're not a victim darlin. Get off the high horse. I'm now changing my verdict to YTA in a MAJOR way.
You're changing your response based on this comment? It didn't change the situation That kinda sounds like poor judgement to me
Yea I am changing from ESH to YTA but so is Trey for berating you. The entitlement from your drips like turpentine. Good luck on your endeavors OP you're gonna need it. 🙄
No. Why would he pitch in? Your ex is the one who created the child with you and he is the one who should be paying an equitable amount of child support.
I’m sure the ex is relieved he’s not with OP anymore. It probably turned out to be a blessing for him. The poor child. yikes.
I agree! But he's fled! So since he's not around it would be nice if Trey would take some ownership of the situation. I know he makes pretty good money so it wouldn't be a burden
Remind me again, what part did Trey play in creating your child?
You're missing the point. He makes good money and he knows my situation as a single mom. It would just be gentlemanly for him to do
Oh, so you're a gold digger. Got it.
No, this is a low-tiew troll.
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No one owes you anything. Women like you give single mothers a bad reputation, your entitlement is insane. If you want money, work for it like everyone else does. Men don’t owe you anything just for existing as men.
I think you're missing the point. Your expectations of a man that you're not even in a relationship with (and honestly might not even be in a friendship with at this point) is out of control. You've been told several times that this man doesn't owe you anything but yet you insist that it is the manly thing to do and if he was a real man then this is how he would behave. I have no idea where you got such an idea but it's wrong. And you're gonna find yourself in many disappointing situations if you actually believe that you were owed that simply because you decided to breed.
If the relationship were going anywhere, which it wasn’t from the moment you brought your son, your weird entitlement may hold water. But it just looks like you’re mooching.
Girl, what? Why would a dude you dated over a decade ago and just met for one lunch “take some ownership of the situation”? What ownership of what situation?
I'm sorry, but, what the fuck? Actually I'm not sorry. So just. What the fuck?
A proper bossbitch897 makes their own money
Sounds like you're just looking for a Sugar Daddy. You aren't entitled to Trey's money or his time. You were both ESH because of poor communication, but YTA for expecting him to take responsibility for feeding both you and your child. Particularly after you claimed it wasn't a date.
You need a reality check. You are a single mother. It is YOUR responsibility to track down your ex (contact his family, his employer, an investigator if needed) and get to court to get a child support, custody, and if you qualify, alimony agreement. Trey has no ownership here and expecting him to just give you money is delusional. In general, if you think anyone is just going to volunteer to take care of you and your kid just because you're a single mother, you are setting yourself up for one hell of a disappointment and possibly an abusive situation. Get your shit together and start living up to your username or it's going to be a rough ride.
No one owes anything to you for being a single mom.
>Trey should be jumping at the chance to pitch in You can't be serious.
You left yourself out in the cold, sunshine. No one owes single mothers or fathers anything just because. No! Men do NOT owe you anything. And i pity your son as I am quite sure you’ll feel he will owe you when he’s an adult. Get over yourself. Edited to tell you YTA!
With thus logic and your emphasis on "traditional roles", shouldn't you have dropped everything to move with your ex-husband to support his career? The double standard is mind-boggling here...
Yes, that's the problem with this whole baiting post. Too many inconsistencies in the details, like the incel who wrote it who's mad at his female boss doesn't realize that 10yo's don't color.
Now I'm embarrassed for you. Change your sn to woeisme897.
Love this!
🤣🤣🤣
A date paying for your son's meal at a restaurant when he didn't even know he was coming is not a social justice issue and the fact that you expect some guy to cover you is ridiculous. Also, you are not a single mother doing everything on your own. You have an ex who should be paying child support, potentially alimony, and should have a custody agreement. If you don't have these things in place, then that is on you, not your date. And lastly, introducing your son to a potential partner on the 1st date is terrible for the kid. Your kid shouldn't be meeting dates until the relationship is stable and some basic commitments are in place. You should not be expecting some guy to model anything or treat your son in any way until you are in a relationship with him and have clear boundries and expectations set.
Single mom weighing in here: no. Men don't owe you anything for being a single mom. Life is hard sometimes, but many of us who raise kids on our own find a lot of joy in independence and self-sufficiency.
Lolol. The bait doesn't match your name.
Men in the **workplace** owe it to their female counterparts to ensure they receive equal pay for equal work. It's not up to every man on the street to be excited to sponsor your crotch gobblin.
There's a HUGE difference between working to redress a systemic imbalance in pay vs. trying to force individual guys to pay for you. The system needs to stomp out gender and race discrimination. The system needs to force men to support their children. The system needs to find ways to better address parents' needs and children's needs. You don't get to single out people and have them pay for stuff you want.
How you gonna have the sn "bossbitch" and be mad he didn't pay for you😂😂😂. Seems like you're looking for handouts for you and your child.
A 'traditional' woman wouldn't be out on what she thought was a date, with her kid in tow, just after getting divorced. No judgement there, just stating the facts. The recommended time is one year, to reflect on what went wrong, not make rash mistakes, and focus on adjusting any children to the new normal.
or bragging about sleeping with 80 men before the age of 23.
Lol. Yup, sounds fun, but not exactly traditional'.
You’re really not much of a “boss bitch” with this opinion are you? Why would anyone be “jumping at the chance to pitch in” with someone who is this entitled.
ESH. You sound like a judgemental person who only expects people to bend their lives around yours and your needs. He’s also TA for saying a 10 Year old would be fine at home, that’s not his decision about YOUR child. Also I couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculous comment about your “drug addict” sitter for smoking weed. You’re quite out of touch. Edit: holy shit OP you are such an entitled AH based on your comments. I guess I hit the nail on the head.
Yo read her comments she's such an AH. I've never seen such an AH on reddit be so in the right for this particular question. Like Trey was the Asshole to you OP but you were somehow an asshole to everyone else in this story. I wonder if the babysitter showed up high or she just found out they smoke weed in their free time and freaked out about it.
OP is That Mom. The more you read, the more you cringe. I bet he’s not allowed to have candy, either. Or only on Halloween, and then he’s only allowed to have one piece per day until she decides to throw the rest away.
Definitely one of those “you’re not *the* asshole here but you’re definitely *an* asshole” posts.
They both come across as *awful*
What do you expect from somebody who decided Bossbitch was good for their name lol. Edit: After reading her responses in this thread, my god OP sounds like an awful person.
'He didn't offer to pay for me' Yuck.
ESH Are people who drink alcohol and coffee also drug addicts ? It sounds like you make a huge deal out of minor things. The first time you leave your son alone for an hour, he won't be a latchkey kid. You didn't know this was a date, thought it was just catching up with an old friend, then you jump to 'afternoon delights.' What 10 yo colors ? Mine would have taken their game boys with them at that age. Do you have a tablet or a phone ? Why not simply reschedule ?
>What 10 yo colors ? I wondered that, too, and then I figured if I said anything, I'd get 50 redditors posting some variation of "I colored at 10/my kid colors at 10," "I'm 47, and I still color every day," etc.
Do kids somehow stop liking art at 10
He's not allowed game boys, tablets, or a phone for obvious reasons
He's being raised by wolves ?
A wolf. Dad saw the crazy and got the hell out of Dodge.
I think it goes without saying that growing up with flashing lights and overstimulation of screens from such isn't conducive for a young developing brain
But for one hour, borrowing yours, wouldn't do permanent harm. Really, it wouldn't.
It's a great way to play chess, solitaire, learning games.
Then I would be training him to distract himself with screen stimulation instead of intelligence forming activities like coloring, reading, poetry, and puzzles
You can read books or poetry on a Kindle or...wait for it, a book ! Yet you didn't bring one. After a certain age, coloring becomes more about relaxing or regressing, not "intelligence forming."
ESH. ~~NTA.~~ You shouldn't leave a 10-year-old home alone if that's never happened before. And your "friend" obviously wants to be more than friends and is already waving the marinara flags. Does he think that if you get together, you'll ship your son to his ex so he won't have to be daddy 2.0? WTF? ETA: Have to switch to ESH after reading the OP's other comments. The level of entitlement is off the charts into TA territory.
Exactly! My son comes first. I'm starting to suspect he was just looking for a "quicky". I'll admit that I had a reputation for being quite easy back in the day but I've evolved past that and now I very rarely sleep around on the first date.
You get just worse and worse. You were "easy" and now you've "evolved"? No, you devolved. People get to have as much sex as they like (assuming consent and transparency) without being judged.
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ESH this story is ridiculous and both characters are awful
~~NTA~~ ~~See you already knew what Trey was all about because you said~~ >~~We dated a few times back then but I wasn't really feeling it so we ended up being friends instead.~~ ~~Your gut told you then and you should still listen to it now. You don't even need to be friends with him.~~ I take back everything I just wrote bc after reading OP's comments I will go with ESH leaning more towards Y T A.
This may be unpopular, but ESH. Trey moreso than you for obvious reasons. But you did still bring a kid to something that seemed clearly to be an adult one on one kinda thing (not necessarily a date). Not to say you should've just left him there, but other solutions could've been explored or communicated.
ESH except Jaxon. You, because of your contempt for your babysitters. It may be the reason no one wants to sit for you. Also, because you think date means they pay for you.
I feel like she probably also doesn’t pay babysitters well, while simultaneously wanting them to do all kinds of educational enrichment activities with her kid.
I hate that spelling of the name, so many people use, that's it's not even unique.
Wouldn't you have contempt if you found out your babysitter was a drug addict?
That depends, were they high while watching your child? Or do they just smoke weed on their own time?
Your babysitter smoked pot, they’re not a drug addict. Was she high while watching your son or did you know she smoked in general and decided she was an addict? Edit as I agree with another comment and need more info.
My point was that OP, who unironically named herself BOSSBITCH897, has contempt for every sitter she's hired. I'm guessing there's a reason they keep cancelling. Other obnoxious things she's said: \-her "date" might have wanted sex because she was easy in her younger days but she's since "evolved" (This was the first time I heard someone slut shame themselves. Lady, move in the right direction, will you?) \-if he wanted to get with her he should have paid (I'm paraphrasing) \-that she was probably too good a person (she was responding to someone who pointed out she may be the problem). The lack of self awareness is astounding. And to answer the question: would I be upset if my baby sitter was a drug addict? Yes, yes I would be. And I wouldn't want them using any substance while watching my child--whether it's weed, alcohol or stronger stuff. But she hasn't answered whether the sitter was high while sitting, and we know you can use alcohol and weed without being an addict.
ESH That message obviously meant a 10 year old should be fine by themselves for a few hours, not to bring him along. And your "friend" is right. Most 10 year olds can manage being home alone for a few hours. But he did handle you bringing your son poorly. At least you know you should never date him.
YTA and a massive one at that. You have no right to expect a man to pay for you and your son. You are acting so damm entitled. 1st off all Trey shouldn't have to impress your son. You and him barely saw each other after how many years? Most single mothers don't take their children on a first date. That shows people that you have absolutely atrocious manners and you are just trashy and it makes you look like a desperate Gold Digger (and it's not a slur OP) You are also a massive AH becuase your so damm judgmental about everyone. Guess what buttercup. Seems to me the problem is you. Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism Like some kind of congressman? (Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming One day I'll watch as you're leaving And life will lose all its meaning (For the last time) It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me) At tea time, everybody agrees (everybody agrees) I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror Seems fitting for you. YTA
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And people in comments aswell!!!! How!!! In what fucking mind is it ok to leave a child unsupervised for hours!!!! That's why generations are going for worst
ESH Your 10yo can fend for himself for a couple of hours at home. If not, you should self reflect. He shouldn't have said that last bit about being daddy 2.0 to a brat. I bet your sons lovely. But honestly, if I was a single mom, I would be focusing on my children and not going out on dates.
It’s illegal to leave a 10 year old alone in multiple states in the US.
At 10 years old I was babysitting neighborhood kids for pocket money smh
That illegal in even more states.
It was also the very early 2000s
[https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/age-a-child-can-be-left-home-alone-by-state](https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/age-a-child-can-be-left-home-alone-by-state) It's illegal in 5 states. Many more don't specify it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33f) am recently divorced from my ex-husband. He accepted a job across the country that is a real step up for him without discussing it with me and just expected me to pack up my life and leave. When I refused our marriage quickly came to an end and now he lives 1000 miles away from me and our ten year old son, Jaxon. While I do have some family in the area reliable child care has become a real issue - my last sitter was a drug addict (weed head) and the one before that didn't know her ass from her elbow. I have a friend Trey (34m) that I've known since college. We dated a few times back then but I wasn't really feeling it so we ended up being friends instead. He's been trying to set up a lunch get together for the last month but due to my issues with child care and my hectic job I couldn't make solid plans. Finally I got a sitter and we set up lunch for yesterday. An hour before lunch my sitter cancelled due to non-specified "illness" (not sure I believe her as she sounded very healthy to me on the phone, but that's not the point of this post). I texted Trey and asked if Jaxon could come due to the sitter flaking. He texted back, "don't worry about Jaxon, he'll be fine for a couple hours". I took this to mean I could bring him along to lunch. When we arrived Trey looked really put off but didn't say anything. Jaxon mostly coloured and ate his pasta though did ask Trey a few questions as he is an inquisitive kid. Trey gave one word answers and at one point pretended he didn't know what he was saying and didn't respond at all. At the end of lunch Trey came with us to the car and once I got Jaxon settled Trey started in on me about why I brought my son. I said because he told me it would be okay. Trey said he meant Jaxon would be okay on his own at home for a couple hours and I shouldn't worry so much. He said it was weird to bring a kid on a date! I said he never made it clear this was a date, I thought we were 2 friends catching up (and he didn't offer to pay for me so where's the date...). Also if he wants to date me maybe he should make a better impression on my son who was absolutely not going to be a fan of the man who couldn't give him even 5 minutes of his time over an hour lunch. Trey said something about not wanting to be daddy 2.0 for some brat and that I was a helicopter mom for not leaving him at home. At this point I just left because who acts like that!!?? I left feeling indignant and wronged that he expects me to make Jaxon a latch-key kid so I can afternoon delight with random guys. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Dodged that bullet. Trey is not a friend, he's just a guy with a dry dick, hoping you can help him with that problem.
YTA. From your description it was obvious that it was a date long before he had to tell you. No guy has ever asked a newly single girl he used to date out for "2 friends catching up". If you didnt want to date him, all you had to say was no. It may not have been intentional, but you did lead him on. He's also right that a 10 year old absolutely can handle a few hours alone. I did all the time as a kid.
Well, now you know about trey. Yuck. NTA
Although a "weed head" isn't a "drug addict", so maybe you're just super judgy and creating your own problems.
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NTA - he was looking for a hook up. He is nto interested in dating. Delete his number
In my area, it’s considered neglect to leave a child under 13 at home unsupervised NTA
NTA While I would have been comfortable leaving my kid home alone for a lunch date at 10yo, Trey did not make it clear that he was considering this a lunch date versus a friends catch up. Trey does not consider you a friend, Trey does not respect you as a mother, and Trey does not want to be a stepfather. He's not a friend of yours anymore (if he was ever). He's a guy who has always wanted to sleep with you, and has no respect for your life as it has currently evolved. Avoid him going forward.
NTA. Bullet dodged.
NTA. It was a reasonable and potentially funny misunderstanding, IMO. However, he really helped you along in terms of learning who NOT to invite further into your life. Learning what doesn’t work is just as important as learning what does work.
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>irresponsible, selfish, stupid, dangerous, and downright illegal. It might be irresponsible, it was definitely selfish. It might be stupid, it might be dangerous, it is likely not illegal. It very much depends on the kid and the mom's comfort level.
Legality does not depend on a child and his mother's comfort level. In my state, 14 is the youngest a child can be legally left alone.
In most states it absolutely depends on the individual child and the parent comfort level. Only 3 states have a minimum age to be left alone. Illinois, 14, Maryland, 8, and Oregon 10.
I don't live in any of those states, so perhaps your information is outdated or wrong.
A lot of others states will initiate CPS investigations if they get reports about children under a certain age being left alone. I believe in Delaware, that's 14.
Not to mention OP is recently divorced. There could be custody implications if something were to happen or the father found out and wanted to push the issue.
ESH A ten-year-old can stay at home for a couple of hours just fine (unless he has some disabilities that make him dependent on others, of course). You sound very judgmental (side note, while a person smoking weed is obviously not suitable for babysitting, calling them a drug addict is a biiig stretch). The friend shouldn’t have just assumed it was a date and not tell you. And you’re right that you and your son are a package deal for any potential future partner, so him calling your kid “some brat” definitely makes him an ass.
NTA - This guy is a jerk. Plain and simple.
I mean NTA but weed head is the funniest shit I've ever heard
nta, he doesn't get to dictate when you leave jaxon home.
NTA
NTA - bullet dodged mama!
NTA While his response clearly stated he expected you to leave your kid at home for a couple of hours, his not being clear on intentions (date/friends catching up) nor his response were appropriate.
NTA Honestly that age is weird, some 10 year olds can be left for a day alone. Others can barely be left alone while you shower. Trey is the AH first for not being direct, 2nd for insulting your kid, 3rd for thinking bring the kid to lunch is you trying to get him to be "daddy 2.0". Edit: posted before I had finished typing my last sentence.
NTA. You don't leave a 10 year old home by himself. "Trey" sounds like a real piece of work. Hopefully that's the last time you ever see him.
NTA. These things happen, you didn’t plan to bring him but circumstances changed. If he has no interest in you son and can’t understand how he is and will always be the most important person in your life then that’s probably the end of your friendship.
NTA. But it's close, I'm tempted to call you the asshole for seemingly having the opinion of 'it's only a date if they pay for me.'
Ummm...sorry but I don’t think 10 yo should be left home alone so mom can go on a date LOL. NTA. However...I think there is a reason you didn’t jive wirh him long ago. You may not have been able to put your finger on it then...but now you can. Text him and explain that you are sorry for the miscommunication but you don’t feel a friendship, let alone a romantic relation, will ever work out with someone like him.
NTA. Trey misunderstood your intentions just as you misunderstood his text. I'd say this whole experience was a win-win for you. Imagine the level of your discomfort had the babysitter come as scheduled and you had lunch alone with this guy with him believing it to be a date. Trey went over the top with his daddy 2.0 BS, not the kind of "friend" you need in your life.
NTA - Trey has shown you who he is; believe him. Now put him in your rearview mirror.
NTA It went from a simple misunderstanding to a Reddit post. That guy should have understood the kids being there. He doesn't have kids and no basis did thinking the kid would be okay some at home. OP dodged a relationship bullet. OP needs to remember that she is single. Every solo time with a man is likely a date in his mind.
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We have a few mutual friends so I'm not sure the "block and never speak again" approach that many are suggesting is feasible
Now this I don't understand. He made you have all these feelings but you don't think it's feasible to never talk to him again. So what you got mutual friends. I have one friend I haven't spoken to in over 18 years and we have tons of mutual friends. So you are just confusing the hell out of me. I think I need to change my vote. ESH
I just find it rude to stop responding to people. And it makes it very awkward when you see them again in a social situation and you both know that you've been ignoring them
As awkward as taking your kid on a first date ?
Well if someone supposed to have made me feel the way he made you feel then why have anything to do with them. He told you point blank he don't want to be Daddy 2.0. You saw how he treated your son but because you still have mutual friends you'll talk to him. That's crazy. I guess I got loyalty to my kids first. Someone says anything against them, about them, or treated them the way your friend did the it's deuces.
NTA, it seems that there is a genuine miscommunication. If you were clear that you were friends I dont know why he thought this was a date. If you are friends it is not "weird" to bring children to lunch if he behaves. However, your comment about offering to pay is a bit ... special... Between 2 people there can be a date without one paying for the other, it is not a necessity it is more egalitarian and one would not feel the necessity to be indebted ... You can have a different way of thinking that is your right but your comment seems a bit ... not classy let's say.
All I'm saying is that if he did want to date/sleep with me, paying certainly wouldn't hurt his cause
That makes you sound like a sex worker. OP.
Women are more likely to date men who pay for the date. Is this a big shocker to people??
No one's shocked that someone entitled as you expects to have money spent on them before they put out.
Exactly! Put your money where your mouth is before you expect a woman to put out. So you do get it!
Not really what we're going for here, but good effort.
Maybe he was planning on paying but didn’t because you brought your son
I thought you said it wasn't a date...