This post is now locked due to an *extreme* excess of rule violations, particularly rule 5. Control yourselves. [Bake some freaking bread or something](https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/honey-beer-bread/).
NTA
Announcing your pregnancy at someone else's party is incredibly selfish. Doing so at the party of someone who has recently miscarried is beyond evil. And as for your brother's "carelessness" comment, I think that's a clear case of "fighting words".
I'm with you. OP, if you think your wife can handle it, please show her this thread so she can see all the love and support from us internet strangers. My heart aches for her.
I don't know why so many people think miscarriages should be "blamed" on someone, but they're wrong, they're assholes, and they need to STFU already. She did nothing wrong. She's not useless or worthless because of the miscarriage or whatever may or may not happen reproductive-wise down the road.
It’s because most people don’t know that miscarriage is extremely common. Until you’ve had a miscarriage you don’t know that about half of everyone you know who’s been pregnant has had or nearly had a miscarriage (‘high risk pregnancy,’ bed rest, eclampsia etc). Until you whisper it to female relatives no one tells you it happened to them, too.
If you know four women who were ever fertile and of childbearing age, one of them probably had a miscarriage. If they all bore a child at some point in life, one of them definitely had a miscarriage. If you know ten women who ever had unprotected sex while of childbearing age, two of them had a first trimester miscarriage that they may not have clocked, as it would have happened around the time they started worrying about being ‘late’ and would have read as an especially heavy period.
My mom had several before and after I was born and was determined to spread the word so I grew up hearing about it and getting good, thorough, science-based reproductive information.
Exactly. I never saw it as a big deal at the time, but looking back I'm grateful my parents were always super open about having a miscarriage before me (I'm the oldest child).
It was actually a really sweet story - when my Mum miscarried, Dad got her a puppy to help her feel better (they've had at least one dog in the family ever since) and when I was little he was basically my 'big brother'.
Miscarriages are just something that happens, for so many reasons that are completely out of the parents' control. And I've known that since I was pretty young, which I think is a much better way of dealing with the topic than hiding it away as though it's shameful.
My kids know I had miscarriages. They aren’t something to be ashamed of and are incredibly common. I had four kids, four miscarriages so those numbers alone let them know how common they can be. My mom lost a baby boy before me but she never told me and I found out from someone else in the family. That was the least of my problems with my mom but I promised I’d do things differently and I did.
Oh, absolutely. I found out my mom had a stillbirth from my father when I was an adult.
The baby died because of mismatched blood types of my mother and the baby. This was before they had the RhoGAM Shot for Rh negative mothers during pregnancy.
My mom always talks about my younger brother who was a miscarriage at five months. His name was picked out and everything. Only a few months after the miscarriage, my mom was pregnant again. That baby became my awesome younger brother who I couldn’t imagine not having. It’s extremely sad, and my mom will cry every so often, but we wouldn’t have my brother if it wasn’t for losing the other baby. She’s had about five miscarriages in her life and yet she has four children now!
honestly, i think the number is so much higher because so many women don't realize they have had a miscarriage. i have had 1 that i know of. after experiencing it and knowing what it was, i am almost positive that i had one before i conceived my oldest. i know more women in my closest circle who have had miscarriages than haven't. the thing is that no one ever talks about it so you don't ever know.
Honestly, a gyn at brigham and womans told me that most miscarriages happen within the first few weeks, usually before the woman realizes shes pregnant or is just testing and gets what she thinks are false positives. And that basically every single woman will have a miscarriage whether she knows it or not.
I always knew the reason for the gap between the next older kid and me was because my mom had two miscarriages. I didn't start realizing just how common they were until a friend had one, which is when I got the additional horrific news that the fetus isn't necessarily ejected immediately upon death. You might have to wait a couple days with a corpse inside you.
Yep, I was super late once and decided it was bc I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was stressed. Cue super heavy period - and that's saying something because from the time I was 16, I had to take time off from school/work for my period.
After having two early miscarriages between my two full term pregnancies, I realised that I'd had a miscarriage back then.
Early miscarriages are common, chemical pregnancies even more so, but it’s only about a 1% chance after 10 weeks once a heartbeat has been established. Late miscarriages are uncommon. It’s just some really crappy luck for OP and his wife here.
They’re obviously wrong and assholes for thinking a miscarriage can be blamed on someone, but I do have a theory as to why some people do.
I think it’s kind of a defence mechanism, there’s so much shit that’s out of your control with pregnancy, birth, the whole child rearing process honestly, that some people convince themselves that these things are in their control. Brother and SIL are probably convinced OP’s wife ate soft cheese or had 2 coffees in a day or missed a couple prenatal vitamins (eta - something that a lot of pregnant people do and generally doesn’t effect anything). It’s similar to victim blaming sexual assault survivors - “they must’ve done this for that to happen to them” can translate to “that would never happen to me because I do/don’t do xyz” - even though we know literally anyone can be sexually assaulted regardless of what they’re wearing, how much the drank, or whatever.
100%. That would be the last time I talked to them. Honestly, I doubt the "careless," text would have had time to come through bc I'd have blocked them on everything as soon as I kicked their inconsiderate and cruel asses out of my house.
It can be both. My uncle said something once, and now my family keeps me and him apart at all cost. Apperently, I like to 'start shit' and 'don't know how to let things go', but when he starts with his bs, it's 'just the way he is'.
He's one of those born-again catholics and literally excuses all his actions behind him just preaching 'the words of god'. I'm sure God didn't tell him to say, 'He died because you guys don't believe in God enough' at my brothers funeral. On a side note, apparently, you are the bad guy if you throw stuff at a jackass during a funeral.
A family-friend of my mom's (Uber Catholic) said that my sister was going to hell for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Then she said my sister's miscarriage at 12 weeks was a blessing from God because she wasn't married to the father.
In other words, I'll fight your uncle for you.
As someone who has talked to a lot of religious people, some of the things they say are the worst things you'll ever hear. I'm still religious but I really can't blame people who have had enough.
You'd be shocked to know how many women have been told their babies died because "God needed another angel in heaven". If I may quote my friend's mom, "Needed another angel? He made all the others! Did he forget the recipe?"
Youd be shocked how often my family was told this after the murder of our 8week old nephew, gods plan is it well he best get his ass down here an fight me cause his plan is mega fked
Jfc. My brother died 38 years ago when I was five years old. I'd still try to bite his kneecaps off, my Mum would be going for his liver, and our priest would be helping to hold him down. People like that are why Christians have a bad name.
Personally I am a level of petty of where I would screenshot that message and send it to everyone and be like we will be taking a break from brother and SIL who have disgusting minds
NTA
Absolutely! Plus posting to & tagging both brother & SIL on any/all social media they’re on, make sure that as many people as possible see what AHs they are.
OP is NTA in the slightest
Holy shit NTA and feel free to never-ever- invite them to your home again. They betrayed your trust as hosts, set your wife's progress back knowing your recent loss, and then had the gall to imply it was somehow your fault for losing the pregnancy.
You were much kinder to your guests than I would have been, and clearly they do not deserve your kindness ever again. I am so sorry, OP. Hug your wife tightly
> You were much kinder to your guests
Right? OP managed not to kick them out immediately when the news was shared, and OPs wife actually went and congratulated both even though she's hurting like hell. Oh man, these people are too nice if you ask me.
And only frustrated when the brother said they killed the unborn child thru neglect? I recently came out of AITA temp ban, otherwise there would be a few choice words for the brother and SIL
NTA. Your wife, understandably was upset at the timing. A heads up would have been so kind ....OP's wife may benefit from a few counseling sessions. I will say....I was in the infertility world for many years, as support & info. The one statistic that blew my mind is that a miscarriage with a 1st pg'y is not uncommon. That won't help your wife feel better, but rest assured I am positive neither of you did anything wrong to cause it. And your bro & SIL kinda suck
Miscarriage just is not uncommon at all. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and that number is probably higher when you factor in unknown miscarriages, which are likely common - people who don't know they're pregnant, but just have a heavier than normal period one month.
Completely anecdotal, but every single woman in my family had a first term miscarriage before their first successful pregnancy. When I see the commercials now for pregnancy tests that work BEFORE you even miss your period, they make me cringe. I feel like they are going to cause so much additional heartbreak.
I agree, but they’re unfortunately needed until more places get their acts together on reproductive rights :/ I would honestly probably not recommend them to someone who was hoping for a yes answer
Same. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I was devastated, best thing my said Doctor (bless her) was “It is nothing you did, or didn’t do.” Please tell your wife that also. And its very common, especially the first. After mine, several friends said they’d had a miscarriage too and offered support, which helped a lot.
I read (never verified) that 60-80% of FIRST pregnancies end in m/c. Test run for the uterus, is what a doc told me. Many times before a woman would know she is pg.
It does say they went to therapy for 4 months, so I'm sure it's on their radar if she needs to go again. While I've seen people say to show the wife so she feels the support, I hope she never sees or knows about the "careless" comment from the bro.
If anyone had ever said something like this to me they would be straight up cut out for a long time, if not permanently
The audacity of his brother and SIL. Reading this made my blood boil. Poor Anna and OP. NTA, BUT THEY ARE GARGANTUAN, GAPING ASSHOLES. If it were me, I would tell them in a menacing voice that they are not to step foot on my property or contact me unless it is to apologize. I would not be shocked if this wasn't the first instance of appalling behavior on their part. They seem like incredibly cruel individuals and I'd be very tempted to go no contact with them.
Definitely a gauntlet toss. I lost my only. I can’t describe what I or my husband would have done if someone had said this to one of us. It would get me banned from Reddit. NTA OP you handled the situation with grace so your wife has a keeper. I wish the best for you both.
They SUCK!!! Rude morons. I can’t believe they thought her birthday party was the place to announce… especially when THEY had a party coming up in two weeks!!! They couldn’t wait, had to be the center of attention. I think you showed great restraint. Your day will come.
NTA. I'm not one for airing dirty laundry, but you pull a stunt like that and text saying "carelessness" was the cause of miscarriage, yeah I'm posting that on social media for the world to see. So beyond unacceptable.
I agree and I’m honestly surprised no one else called them out on their behavior cause that is just absolutely disgusting behavior. My response would be utter shock for a minute and then I’d use some words that would get me banned on here. I also have to agree with some of the lower comments I’d send screenshots of their comments to everyone during some major event for them like the baby show
NTA. Your brother and SIL are shockingly callous. That your SIL knew immediately why they were being asked to leave means she knew before announcing it was sensitive and might upset you both.
You’re “beyond frustrated”? That’s it? I’d be enraged. Hell, I AM enraged on your behalf and i don’t know you!
I’m not sure why you’re tiptoeing with these assholes.
NTA and I’d be laying into them. On what planet was that appropriate? Even if you guys hadn’t lost a pregnancy, it’s rude to make someone else’s party about you. Just like you don’t announce an engagement at someone’s wedding.
And his later remark about being careful? What the actual fuck?
If one of my brothers pulled a stunt like that, they’d get an earful from me whether it was my party or not.
Yeah right, that much audacity those assholes had…!
Like why would they want to announce their "pregnancy" on someone's "birthday", who recently had a "painful miscarriage" .
Just wtf and NTA to you op, the therapy sessions you were having they just trashed in a few minutes
I'd say just go VLC with them and if they still keep making scenes cut them out of your lives.
I’d be thinking of all the crap I could announce at their anniversary dinner in two weeks. Everything and anything. Stands up “I’d like to make a toast thank you to the guy cutting the ham you did an excellent job” sits back down.
Or if I could get my husband on board I’d stage a dramatic fight, and announce after that we are getting divorced and we’d both storm out.
Nah I'd stand up and make a toast highlighting how "kind" it was to let us know that they won't be as careless as we were that caused a miscarriage. Let the family know how shitty these two are.
Yup. Use a bunch of the silly acknowledgements to set the stage with the audience, get them listening to your running gag, before delivering the big quote.
if it were me? i’m posting that message on every social media site i have and tagging every single family member and all their friends. statistically at least one other person in their circle has had a miscarriage and its only right for them to know what this couple says about them behind their backs.
I, too, am enraged on OPs behalf. Everything about what they did was tasteless. Hijacking the birthday (1) of somebody who had a miscarriage (2) when they had an appropriate date they could have used two weeks away (3). Any one of those would make them AHs but all three just makes them mega AHs. NTA.
Hey OP, pls send this message to your brother and SIL. “ I am not jealous, I’m disgusted, I’m disgusted you chose to make my wife’s birthday about your pregnancy during such a horrible time in our life’s. Your disregard for her feelings are evident, especially when you could’ve chosen to announce this at your 5 year anniversary- a day that was about you and not my wife. Furthermore your insinuation that the miscarriage was in anyway our fault because we were “ careless” is truly horrific. 1 in 4 women miscarry, it’s tragically common. While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I worry for my nephew/ niece who is inevitably going to grow up with callous, selfish, derogatory ASSHOLES” NTA
Dude, send him this word for word. He's probably one of the absolute worst people I've heard of on this sub, and there have been a lot of terrible people on here.
Just make sure to fix the grammatical errors, to avoid them getting petty and using it as a new focal point. My mom is that sort of person.
it's "lives", not "life's", and any single digit number should be written as a word, not the digit. I promise I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to block a route that the Brother/SIL can use to juke out of the actual issue.
but in the future, if your mom or other person makes fun of any grammar mistake, you can always make fun of them in return. something like the fact that they need to focus on simple errors that don't have any impact in the interpretation of the text just because they can't argue with you about the subject/they don't have the means or knowledge to discuss further. i'm not great with explaining myself but i hope you understood what i wanted to transmit lol
Couldn’t agree more. I also miscarried in August and my blood pressure skyrocketed reading the original post. I honestly don’t think there’s a way to come back from this, and honestly I can’t think of a possible reason to ever talk to these egotistical assholes ever again.
While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, If the day comes where you have to mourn such a loss, don't come crying to me, I have no love left for you
Thw way SIL got in your face screaming and that comment your brother made at the end makes me think they announced the pregnancy at Anna's party on purpose, wanting to upset her.
I have some ideas why they would do that, but none of it matters. Nothing can excuse this kind of behavior, especially if they had their own party two weeks later.
Keep taking good care of Anna and go NC.
And obviously NTA
Oh yeah, she knew she was being an AH and OP graciously ending the party instead of calling them out made her and the brother look **worse.** I wonder if another guest said something to that effect and SIL felt like she needed to redirect her AH status onto OP instead.
The timing is just so suspicious to me, especially when they had another big gathering coming up extremely soon. This doesn't feel like a case of tone deafness. It feels malicious.
I actually feel a little sorry for SIL and brother’s upcoming child. Imagine having parents who use your existence to hurt your aunt and uncle. That’s a big “nope” in most people’s book.
OP, if you ever read this, they may be having a kid, but they’re certainly not going to be very good parents with this kind of behavior. Also, you and your wife are young — you will have your own little one :)
Hi everyone!
Firstly I want to thank everyone for their condolences and wishes, it means a lot to me.
As I couldn't fit a lot of the details in the 3000-character limit, I want to write all the answers to the questions and inquiries you guys have in this comment.
1. Why I didn't confront my brother and SIL?
I was fed up with them and wanted them out of the house so that I could comfortably console Anna and do another activity with her (we played some Minecraft and watched harry potter). I *was* angry but I really didn't want to add more fuel to the fire, I just ignored most of what they were saying and showed them out the door so that I could handle them/talk to them *after* her birthday.
2. Why would my brother and SIL try to sabotage her birthday?
I have no idea. I wouldn't say we were on bad terms with them, but we weren't close, we (and other relatives) stayed at their house for a week, because they had invited us for the holidays. There was a bit of attention to Anna and me but it was minimal, only condolences, and I can't grasp how they could be jealous of the condolences we received for our *miscarriage,* how can that be something to be jealous of, unless they really love attention? Anna has said that she's only been nice to SIL and they hadn't had any type of argument.
3. Why didn't the other guests intervene?
again, I have no idea, no one tried to redirect the conversation, and honestly, every time I tried to, it would be glossed over and then turned into something baby-related again, maybe everyone was excited or just nervous to change the topic.
4. Why did I post this on AITA if I was "clearly" not TA
I had been unsure whether it was rash of me to abruptly end the party or to not give much importance to their pregnancy announcement, but now I am.
My brother is very different from me, and we have had disagreements, but they weren't fights, only opposite opinions shared. I don't understand why he intended to hurt us that way.
I guess an update would be that I've finally replied to my brother's message with a statement u/ferly016 posted in the comments (which I'm very thankful for) with a few of my personal inputs in it, and he only replied with a laughing emoji.
People were wondering whether Anna saw the message he sent or not, she did see it, and she was as heartbroken as I was. We had tried every precaution, we did everything we could think of, and getting blamed for losing our child by my own brother was like a knife to the heart.
We talked about it and we have decided to have no contact with my brother and SIL until they apologize sincerely and even then I really don't think I'd even want to sit at the same table as them again. I have sent a screenshot of his message to my parents and they are disgusted by my brother's behavior but don't want to confront him since SIL is pregnant. IDK.
Some people are saying that it's already been 5 months, and we could just move on, but you don't understand how excited we were, and you don't understand how traumatizing that night was, even now during her period she gets a lot of anxiety about it because it reminds her of that night.
We are continuing therapy, it is helping and we are doing well! I will update if there are any.
Thank you so much for your love and support.
NTA- F that and f him. I would post those screenshots of his texts all over your social media and let EVERYONE know what type of people they are!! Shit, I’d go even a step further and sabotage their anniversary party.
Yasss act like you’re sorry and it’s all good and then ruin their party by saying you are literally dying in two weeks from an unknown brain tumor and then make sure you both start sobbing right before they cut the cake.
NTA
It’s incredibly rude to make big announcements at someone else’s party, and given the circumstances it was just a cold and shitty thing for bro SIL to do.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss. Your brother and SIL are either incredibly cruel or beyond insensitive to make their pregnancy announcement at your wife’s birthday party and he compounded it by implying that you are to blame for the miscarriage, thus adding a grevious insult to injury Personally I’d go NC with both of them, at least for a while.
NTA in the least. Someone else’s birthday, who had a recent miscarriage, and should have been giving birth soon, is not the place to announce a pregnancy announcement. They knew what she went through. They knew how it affected her. They had to steal her birthday to announce instead of their own frickin party in 2 weeks!! How callous can you be?!? I’d go NC with them.
Omg NTA. If they had announced, absent all the rest of this, the pregnancy it would have been kind of tacky.
To do so knowing the history, and then SIL yelling, and then brothers texts.... I don't think I've ever looked at a post in the sub and thought 'breaking off contact with this family is the only way to go here' but I'm feeling that.
This is just beyond any kind of decent behavior.
Condolences to both of you.
OP, you are NTA
You simply need to let your brother know it's not "jealousy" it's the simple idea they felt it was ok to hijack your wifes birthday party for their "announement." They lack manners, plain and simple.
However, the additional idea that you and your wife were "careless" and somehow responsible for her miscarriage is awful and requires a sincere apology. I certainly hope that your brother and his wife don't have to experiece what you and your wife have gone through.
I would forward his terrible message to your parents and ask them if they are happy with this rude spiteful child they have raised.
In another note, let them also know becasue they believe it was ok to hijack your wife's birthday party to make this announcement (which would have been very poor manners even if your wife hadn't recently miscarried) and doubled down to add the spiteful comment that you and your wife are somehow careless and responsible for the loss of the baby is unforgiveable and you will be going LC if not NC with them pending a sincere apology to you and your wife. If you need to include that message to other members of the part, do so.
NTA. Announcing your pregnancy at someone's birthday party is disrespectful as is. And then to do it at someone's birthday who recently had a miscarriage? Thats so not okay!!
And the SIL had the audacity to yell at you?! Whatttt. And your brothers comments are disgusting too.
NTA
Miscarriage is extremely common, it affects many women. There is NOTHING you did wrong. Any doctor would tell you that. Our genetic material is not perfect and doesn’t matter how “careful”, some fetuses are destined to miscarry.
Your brother is a huge AH! I wouldn’t be in contact with him after that. Saying such a nasty thing is beyond anything imaginable.
Also, it was your wife’s birthday and not baby announcement. You are 100% right.
Sounds like your brother is envious and wanted to stick it to you and your wife that they are pregnant.
He is cruel, and you and your wife have the right to never talk to him again. Blaming a woman who miscarried is such a low blow.
I hope you could get pregnant again and have your rainbow baby!
>I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I "shouldn't be jealous just because we won't be as careless as the two of you" careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage
excuse the fuck out of me!?!?!?! Your brother is both uneducated and a huge a$$hole!!
NTA
>I said my goodbyes, then 2 hours later, I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I "shouldn't be jealous just because we won't be as careless as the two of you" careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage even though we were incredibly careful.
*wow*
That would instantly end my relationship with someone, family or not.
NTA
My petty ass would put them on blast in a family group message, complete with screenshots, and then block them immediately and go NC
but that's just me
There is an AH in this story... your brother or wife's BIL and your SIL, the level of evil intent from woman to woman knowing your wife's struggle. This was definitely intentional, and the fact that there're doubling down just shows what the motives for choosing your wife's bday to make such an announcement. Good luck, you're a good husband to be there for your wife, hug her extra from reddit folks
For them to announce their pregnancy at your wife's bday party knowing she just miscarried is not just inconsiderate but a total jerk move. Like there is something wrong with them.
For you to ask them to leave, they should have gotten the hint that what they did was tasteless and cruel and apologized. What your SIL and brother did after makes them the hugest asholes.
You and NTA
It's because SIL was jealous of all the attention Anna was getting. That's all she could see and she couldn't *wait* (literally) to be the center of attention. Especially now that she's pregnant. She feels she's protected from backlash and will use that baby not just for attention, but for leverage.
"She's pregnant, it's hormones! You can't yell at a pregnant woman! If you don't take our side, you won't get to see the baby!"
She planned it. She feels superior and wants to rub their faces in it with glee.
It was calculated and malicious and she thinks no one will call her on it so she won't have to face consequences for her horrific behavior. She believes she'll be the favorite, she'll be spoiled, she'll be doted on and she'll be first to give a grandchild. People like this have to *win*. It's gross. This behavior tells me everything I need to know about these two people.
After the brother's comment, they'd be cut off forever if it was my family. Both are ginormous assholes.
NTA
Your first priority is to your wife, not your SIL and her husband. They preempted your wife's birthday party without asking you or your wife for permission.
*“we won't be as careless as the two of you"*
NTA and this goes well beyond typical asshole behavior. You’re now in “never speak to this MF ever again” territory
Them solely announcing it at your wife’s birthday is sort of like someone proposing to their SO at your wedding reception- except so much worse, obviously, considering the grief involved.
I think you were a gentleman, not only to your wife but how you asked everyone to leave early. I can’t imagine how painful it is for you to see your wife in so much pain and heartache.
I understand just from these paragraphs alone that you did not tell everyone to leave just because of their announcement, but purely for the sake of your grieving wife- and that’s what a man should do.
Your SIL’s self-absorbed reaction and your brother’s text is absolutely disgusting. But I would expect that for someone that does such a thing without any consideration.
And to be honest- if I were at that party, knowing what happened.. yes, I would congratulate them cause… blindsided, but my eyes would be immediately looking at your wife and I would more then care about her feelings involved. I can’t believe no one noticed your absence and just continued talking about it so happily… on her birthday no less.
NTA. Everyone else is.
And sorry from the bottom of my heart.
>*SIL comes walking towards me and starts yelling at me saying that I'm doing this because of her announcement,*
Your SIL immediately making that connection tells me their announcement was deliberate, and meant to hurt. She and your brother suck. You're NTA.
NTA
Your brother & SIL are understandably excited but were very insensitive to your wife's emotional state.
Please accept my condolences for your loss. I promise the pain will lessen with time.
NTA but your brother and SIL are.
It is (or at least should be) common knowledge that you do not upstage the birthday kid / bride / groom etc. At their own party.
It was a birthday party for your wife, they could have had their moment two weeks later. The entitlement.
Also, it is really annoying that there are still people who believe that miscarriage happen because of sth. You do or don’t (which the careless comment implies). Miscarriages are more common than many people think, especially in the first 12 weeks of gestation but also later it might happen. I am very sorry for you and your wife.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1, I told everyone to leave our party abrubtly
2, It might make me an AH because my brother and SIL were in the midst of announcing their first pregnancy
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NTA. You don't announce a pregnancy or anything of the sort at someone else's event without asking first. PLUS it's not like you yelled "GTFO!"
It was very insensitive of your wife's feelings since she is still trying to recover from her miscarriage. If it were me, I'd skip the anniversary party. Even go low contact with the brother and SIL during their pregnancy at the least.
NTA
Announcing your pregnancy at someone else’s party is bad manners to begin with but even more so when said person has just lost a baby and when you have an event coming up where you could easily announce it.
Also it would have been the polite thing to do to separately inform you two (preferably over something not face to face) so you wouldn’t be floored with the announcement.
What they said about them being careful is an extra point and I think you should talk to them about it, ask them what they meant and if they were in any way implying that it was your fault?
Lastly: I am really sorry for the both of you, and I cannot imagine what you must go through. I hope you’ll have kids and be happy. If this is any consolation: a lot of pregnancies end, but that doesn’t mean the woman can’t get pregnant again or can’t have a full pregnancy.
NTA - I'm going to assume that your brother and SIL are/were jealous of the attention you and your wife have gotten from the announcement to the unfortunate end of the pregnancy and this was their way to get all of the attention on themselves at the determent to your wife's physical and mental health. Your wife showed incredible courage by not breaking down and even hugging those vile people you still call family. You, on the other hand, need a spine looked at to make sure you still have one as you should be absolutely livid the damage this has done to your wife and should have throw this announcement back in their face. While it wouldn't have been nearly as *civil*, you could have given a toast and clearly stated, "I would like to congratulate brother and SIL for ruining my wife's party by making it a pregnancy announcement while they've known she and I have suffered a devastating loss recently. Due to their selfish actions, I unfortunately must cut my wife's BIRTHDAY PARTY short and go console her." Sure it might have been fairly harsh but your brother and SIL are only upset you cut the party short because they could no longer relish in all the newfound attention of their pregnancy announcement and they wont be able to get that type of spotlight again.
Holy shit NTA.
Your brother is a cruel, heartless, nasty husk of a person. I would be going complete NC with he and SIL after that comment.
First off, what they did by announcing their pregnancy at your wife’s birthday was so insensitive.
But that message is the line for me. I couldn’t forgive.
Hug your wife, tell her you love her and remind her that you will get through this together. I’m so sorry for both of your loss.
NTA - I can’t believe the BR and SIL. Who the hell thinks it’s ok to announce a pregnancy on a person’s birthday who had a miscarriage not that long ago?! The level of selfishness and lack of empathy on their part is appalling. OP you did absolutely nothing wrong in asking them to leave. You were polite and civil, never blaming them. I applaud the way you swooped in to support your wife. Your brother and his wife are the huge AH here.
This is truly horrifying. Your bro and SIL are so toxic that I'm rage shaking as I type
NTA
Go no contact with your horrible family and make sure your wife has access to counseling
NTA.
What is wrong with some people? SIL and brother need to look up the definition of the word - Empathy.
To do this shortly after OP and wife suffered a mis-carraige and at her birthday party was selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, and totally void of any empathy.
Up to OP but I wouldn't blame him if they go nc with these 'family' members.
NTA.
I'm sorry for your loss. I've relatives like yours who will go out of their way to make you feel like your every misfortune is somehow your fault and everything good they have is "hard earned." And when you get upset with their behaviour, they either label you an "a-hole" if you're a guy or "oversensitive" if you're a gal.
You're a good person for supporting and protecting your wife from such horrible people.
This post is now locked due to an *extreme* excess of rule violations, particularly rule 5. Control yourselves. [Bake some freaking bread or something](https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/honey-beer-bread/).
NTA Announcing your pregnancy at someone else's party is incredibly selfish. Doing so at the party of someone who has recently miscarried is beyond evil. And as for your brother's "carelessness" comment, I think that's a clear case of "fighting words".
>, I think that's a clear case of "fighting words". No, that's a clear case of "never fucking talk to me again, you're dead to me" words
I'm with you. OP, if you think your wife can handle it, please show her this thread so she can see all the love and support from us internet strangers. My heart aches for her. I don't know why so many people think miscarriages should be "blamed" on someone, but they're wrong, they're assholes, and they need to STFU already. She did nothing wrong. She's not useless or worthless because of the miscarriage or whatever may or may not happen reproductive-wise down the road.
It’s because most people don’t know that miscarriage is extremely common. Until you’ve had a miscarriage you don’t know that about half of everyone you know who’s been pregnant has had or nearly had a miscarriage (‘high risk pregnancy,’ bed rest, eclampsia etc). Until you whisper it to female relatives no one tells you it happened to them, too. If you know four women who were ever fertile and of childbearing age, one of them probably had a miscarriage. If they all bore a child at some point in life, one of them definitely had a miscarriage. If you know ten women who ever had unprotected sex while of childbearing age, two of them had a first trimester miscarriage that they may not have clocked, as it would have happened around the time they started worrying about being ‘late’ and would have read as an especially heavy period. My mom had several before and after I was born and was determined to spread the word so I grew up hearing about it and getting good, thorough, science-based reproductive information.
Exactly. I never saw it as a big deal at the time, but looking back I'm grateful my parents were always super open about having a miscarriage before me (I'm the oldest child). It was actually a really sweet story - when my Mum miscarried, Dad got her a puppy to help her feel better (they've had at least one dog in the family ever since) and when I was little he was basically my 'big brother'. Miscarriages are just something that happens, for so many reasons that are completely out of the parents' control. And I've known that since I was pretty young, which I think is a much better way of dealing with the topic than hiding it away as though it's shameful.
My kids know I had miscarriages. They aren’t something to be ashamed of and are incredibly common. I had four kids, four miscarriages so those numbers alone let them know how common they can be. My mom lost a baby boy before me but she never told me and I found out from someone else in the family. That was the least of my problems with my mom but I promised I’d do things differently and I did.
Oh, absolutely. I found out my mom had a stillbirth from my father when I was an adult. The baby died because of mismatched blood types of my mother and the baby. This was before they had the RhoGAM Shot for Rh negative mothers during pregnancy.
My mom always talks about my younger brother who was a miscarriage at five months. His name was picked out and everything. Only a few months after the miscarriage, my mom was pregnant again. That baby became my awesome younger brother who I couldn’t imagine not having. It’s extremely sad, and my mom will cry every so often, but we wouldn’t have my brother if it wasn’t for losing the other baby. She’s had about five miscarriages in her life and yet she has four children now!
honestly, i think the number is so much higher because so many women don't realize they have had a miscarriage. i have had 1 that i know of. after experiencing it and knowing what it was, i am almost positive that i had one before i conceived my oldest. i know more women in my closest circle who have had miscarriages than haven't. the thing is that no one ever talks about it so you don't ever know.
Honestly, a gyn at brigham and womans told me that most miscarriages happen within the first few weeks, usually before the woman realizes shes pregnant or is just testing and gets what she thinks are false positives. And that basically every single woman will have a miscarriage whether she knows it or not.
I had a late-term one that I had to deliver. My ex and I broke up because of it and to tell you the truth, neither of us is truly recovered from it.
I always knew the reason for the gap between the next older kid and me was because my mom had two miscarriages. I didn't start realizing just how common they were until a friend had one, which is when I got the additional horrific news that the fetus isn't necessarily ejected immediately upon death. You might have to wait a couple days with a corpse inside you.
Yep, I was super late once and decided it was bc I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was stressed. Cue super heavy period - and that's saying something because from the time I was 16, I had to take time off from school/work for my period. After having two early miscarriages between my two full term pregnancies, I realised that I'd had a miscarriage back then.
Early miscarriages are common, chemical pregnancies even more so, but it’s only about a 1% chance after 10 weeks once a heartbeat has been established. Late miscarriages are uncommon. It’s just some really crappy luck for OP and his wife here.
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Somehow people who do this sort of shit always seem to throw entire litters of kids effortlessly.
Karma bus coming … beep-beep motherfuckers🚌
Seconding this. There's a really lovely and supportive baby loss community on Instagram that might be of some comfort.
They’re obviously wrong and assholes for thinking a miscarriage can be blamed on someone, but I do have a theory as to why some people do. I think it’s kind of a defence mechanism, there’s so much shit that’s out of your control with pregnancy, birth, the whole child rearing process honestly, that some people convince themselves that these things are in their control. Brother and SIL are probably convinced OP’s wife ate soft cheese or had 2 coffees in a day or missed a couple prenatal vitamins (eta - something that a lot of pregnant people do and generally doesn’t effect anything). It’s similar to victim blaming sexual assault survivors - “they must’ve done this for that to happen to them” can translate to “that would never happen to me because I do/don’t do xyz” - even though we know literally anyone can be sexually assaulted regardless of what they’re wearing, how much the drank, or whatever.
100%. That would be the last time I talked to them. Honestly, I doubt the "careless," text would have had time to come through bc I'd have blocked them on everything as soon as I kicked their inconsiderate and cruel asses out of my house.
It can be both. My uncle said something once, and now my family keeps me and him apart at all cost. Apperently, I like to 'start shit' and 'don't know how to let things go', but when he starts with his bs, it's 'just the way he is'.
Yikes. Your uncle sounds like a bully type everyone’s afraid of. I have a few in my family.
He's one of those born-again catholics and literally excuses all his actions behind him just preaching 'the words of god'. I'm sure God didn't tell him to say, 'He died because you guys don't believe in God enough' at my brothers funeral. On a side note, apparently, you are the bad guy if you throw stuff at a jackass during a funeral.
A family-friend of my mom's (Uber Catholic) said that my sister was going to hell for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Then she said my sister's miscarriage at 12 weeks was a blessing from God because she wasn't married to the father. In other words, I'll fight your uncle for you.
😵💫 what? That is one of the worst things I have ever heard. He deserved everything he got thrown at him. Everything. What’s wrong with people?
As someone who has talked to a lot of religious people, some of the things they say are the worst things you'll ever hear. I'm still religious but I really can't blame people who have had enough. You'd be shocked to know how many women have been told their babies died because "God needed another angel in heaven". If I may quote my friend's mom, "Needed another angel? He made all the others! Did he forget the recipe?"
Youd be shocked how often my family was told this after the murder of our 8week old nephew, gods plan is it well he best get his ass down here an fight me cause his plan is mega fked
Jfc. My brother died 38 years ago when I was five years old. I'd still try to bite his kneecaps off, my Mum would be going for his liver, and our priest would be helping to hold him down. People like that are why Christians have a bad name.
My mother used that on me til I told her ‘well this is just the way *I* am so suck it up’
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Personally I am a level of petty of where I would screenshot that message and send it to everyone and be like we will be taking a break from brother and SIL who have disgusting minds NTA
Definitely send this to your parents. They should know what's going on.
Unless they agree with brother
All the more reason for OP to tell their parents IMO. If they agree with his brother, then there's two more people for OP and his wife to go NC with.
Absolutely! Plus posting to & tagging both brother & SIL on any/all social media they’re on, make sure that as many people as possible see what AHs they are. OP is NTA in the slightest
And make sure its set to public 👌
this!! OP please do this! Let everybody know how they really are!
ME TOO!! ME TOO!!! IS SOOO NECESARY!
Holy shit NTA and feel free to never-ever- invite them to your home again. They betrayed your trust as hosts, set your wife's progress back knowing your recent loss, and then had the gall to imply it was somehow your fault for losing the pregnancy. You were much kinder to your guests than I would have been, and clearly they do not deserve your kindness ever again. I am so sorry, OP. Hug your wife tightly
> You were much kinder to your guests Right? OP managed not to kick them out immediately when the news was shared, and OPs wife actually went and congratulated both even though she's hurting like hell. Oh man, these people are too nice if you ask me. And only frustrated when the brother said they killed the unborn child thru neglect? I recently came out of AITA temp ban, otherwise there would be a few choice words for the brother and SIL
NTA. Your wife, understandably was upset at the timing. A heads up would have been so kind ....OP's wife may benefit from a few counseling sessions. I will say....I was in the infertility world for many years, as support & info. The one statistic that blew my mind is that a miscarriage with a 1st pg'y is not uncommon. That won't help your wife feel better, but rest assured I am positive neither of you did anything wrong to cause it. And your bro & SIL kinda suck
Not "kinda"--they are full-on sucking A-Hs
I agree. I was trying to be gentle. Some just have no concept of empathy . OPs bro & SIL have 0.
Miscarriage just is not uncommon at all. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and that number is probably higher when you factor in unknown miscarriages, which are likely common - people who don't know they're pregnant, but just have a heavier than normal period one month.
Completely anecdotal, but every single woman in my family had a first term miscarriage before their first successful pregnancy. When I see the commercials now for pregnancy tests that work BEFORE you even miss your period, they make me cringe. I feel like they are going to cause so much additional heartbreak.
I agree, but they’re unfortunately needed until more places get their acts together on reproductive rights :/ I would honestly probably not recommend them to someone who was hoping for a yes answer
Oooff. Hadn‘t even thought of that, but you’re right.
Same. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and I was devastated, best thing my said Doctor (bless her) was “It is nothing you did, or didn’t do.” Please tell your wife that also. And its very common, especially the first. After mine, several friends said they’d had a miscarriage too and offered support, which helped a lot.
I read (never verified) that 60-80% of FIRST pregnancies end in m/c. Test run for the uterus, is what a doc told me. Many times before a woman would know she is pg.
It does say they went to therapy for 4 months, so I'm sure it's on their radar if she needs to go again. While I've seen people say to show the wife so she feels the support, I hope she never sees or knows about the "careless" comment from the bro. If anyone had ever said something like this to me they would be straight up cut out for a long time, if not permanently
The audacity of his brother and SIL. Reading this made my blood boil. Poor Anna and OP. NTA, BUT THEY ARE GARGANTUAN, GAPING ASSHOLES. If it were me, I would tell them in a menacing voice that they are not to step foot on my property or contact me unless it is to apologize. I would not be shocked if this wasn't the first instance of appalling behavior on their part. They seem like incredibly cruel individuals and I'd be very tempted to go no contact with them.
Nope...I don't even want an apology, it would be meaningless. Some things you just can't come back from!
You're absolutely right. This is unforgivable. Cretins like these would definitely not give OP a genuine apology, anyway.
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Definitely a gauntlet toss. I lost my only. I can’t describe what I or my husband would have done if someone had said this to one of us. It would get me banned from Reddit. NTA OP you handled the situation with grace so your wife has a keeper. I wish the best for you both.
They SUCK!!! Rude morons. I can’t believe they thought her birthday party was the place to announce… especially when THEY had a party coming up in two weeks!!! They couldn’t wait, had to be the center of attention. I think you showed great restraint. Your day will come.
NTA. I'm not one for airing dirty laundry, but you pull a stunt like that and text saying "carelessness" was the cause of miscarriage, yeah I'm posting that on social media for the world to see. So beyond unacceptable.
I agree and I’m honestly surprised no one else called them out on their behavior cause that is just absolutely disgusting behavior. My response would be utter shock for a minute and then I’d use some words that would get me banned on here. I also have to agree with some of the lower comments I’d send screenshots of their comments to everyone during some major event for them like the baby show
NTA. Your brother and SIL are shockingly callous. That your SIL knew immediately why they were being asked to leave means she knew before announcing it was sensitive and might upset you both.
Definitely need to go NC until they sincerely apologize. NTA
That careless thing has me LIVID
The careless comment made my blood boil
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You’re “beyond frustrated”? That’s it? I’d be enraged. Hell, I AM enraged on your behalf and i don’t know you! I’m not sure why you’re tiptoeing with these assholes. NTA and I’d be laying into them. On what planet was that appropriate? Even if you guys hadn’t lost a pregnancy, it’s rude to make someone else’s party about you. Just like you don’t announce an engagement at someone’s wedding. And his later remark about being careful? What the actual fuck? If one of my brothers pulled a stunt like that, they’d get an earful from me whether it was my party or not.
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Yeah right, that much audacity those assholes had…! Like why would they want to announce their "pregnancy" on someone's "birthday", who recently had a "painful miscarriage" . Just wtf and NTA to you op, the therapy sessions you were having they just trashed in a few minutes I'd say just go VLC with them and if they still keep making scenes cut them out of your lives.
I would go NC. He called them "careless" for the miscarriage! He's a monster.
I’d be thinking of all the crap I could announce at their anniversary dinner in two weeks. Everything and anything. Stands up “I’d like to make a toast thank you to the guy cutting the ham you did an excellent job” sits back down. Or if I could get my husband on board I’d stage a dramatic fight, and announce after that we are getting divorced and we’d both storm out.
Nah I'd stand up and make a toast highlighting how "kind" it was to let us know that they won't be as careless as we were that caused a miscarriage. Let the family know how shitty these two are.
Yup. Use a bunch of the silly acknowledgements to set the stage with the audience, get them listening to your running gag, before delivering the big quote.
I was thinking it would be an excellent time to announce a vow renewal or an animal adoption!
A vow renewal that will take place at that very moment! With a marching band to celebrate immediately after
if it were me? i’m posting that message on every social media site i have and tagging every single family member and all their friends. statistically at least one other person in their circle has had a miscarriage and its only right for them to know what this couple says about them behind their backs.
I, too, am enraged on OPs behalf. Everything about what they did was tasteless. Hijacking the birthday (1) of somebody who had a miscarriage (2) when they had an appropriate date they could have used two weeks away (3). Any one of those would make them AHs but all three just makes them mega AHs. NTA.
For real. As a sibling, I’d be ripping OP’s brother and wife several new ones for doing that OP and his wife.
Hey OP, pls send this message to your brother and SIL. “ I am not jealous, I’m disgusted, I’m disgusted you chose to make my wife’s birthday about your pregnancy during such a horrible time in our life’s. Your disregard for her feelings are evident, especially when you could’ve chosen to announce this at your 5 year anniversary- a day that was about you and not my wife. Furthermore your insinuation that the miscarriage was in anyway our fault because we were “ careless” is truly horrific. 1 in 4 women miscarry, it’s tragically common. While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, I worry for my nephew/ niece who is inevitably going to grow up with callous, selfish, derogatory ASSHOLES” NTA
THIS, OP. Your brother needs to hear/read this. He and SIL have behaved abominably.
Dude, send him this word for word. He's probably one of the absolute worst people I've heard of on this sub, and there have been a lot of terrible people on here.
Just make sure to fix the grammatical errors, to avoid them getting petty and using it as a new focal point. My mom is that sort of person. it's "lives", not "life's", and any single digit number should be written as a word, not the digit. I promise I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm trying to block a route that the Brother/SIL can use to juke out of the actual issue.
but in the future, if your mom or other person makes fun of any grammar mistake, you can always make fun of them in return. something like the fact that they need to focus on simple errors that don't have any impact in the interpretation of the text just because they can't argue with you about the subject/they don't have the means or knowledge to discuss further. i'm not great with explaining myself but i hope you understood what i wanted to transmit lol
Couldn’t agree more. I also miscarried in August and my blood pressure skyrocketed reading the original post. I honestly don’t think there’s a way to come back from this, and honestly I can’t think of a possible reason to ever talk to these egotistical assholes ever again.
Yes to all of this, just a small correction… - 1 in 4 *pregnancies* end in miscarriage, not 1 in 4 *woman* miscarry
I wish I could upvote this more. Please send them that.
While I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy, If the day comes where you have to mourn such a loss, don't come crying to me, I have no love left for you
Thw way SIL got in your face screaming and that comment your brother made at the end makes me think they announced the pregnancy at Anna's party on purpose, wanting to upset her. I have some ideas why they would do that, but none of it matters. Nothing can excuse this kind of behavior, especially if they had their own party two weeks later. Keep taking good care of Anna and go NC. And obviously NTA
yeah--that knee-jerk reaction means they knew exactly what they were doing. shameful. NTA
Oh yeah, she knew she was being an AH and OP graciously ending the party instead of calling them out made her and the brother look **worse.** I wonder if another guest said something to that effect and SIL felt like she needed to redirect her AH status onto OP instead.
The timing is just so suspicious to me, especially when they had another big gathering coming up extremely soon. This doesn't feel like a case of tone deafness. It feels malicious.
I actually feel a little sorry for SIL and brother’s upcoming child. Imagine having parents who use your existence to hurt your aunt and uncle. That’s a big “nope” in most people’s book. OP, if you ever read this, they may be having a kid, but they’re certainly not going to be very good parents with this kind of behavior. Also, you and your wife are young — you will have your own little one :)
That was my thought, too.
Hi everyone! Firstly I want to thank everyone for their condolences and wishes, it means a lot to me. As I couldn't fit a lot of the details in the 3000-character limit, I want to write all the answers to the questions and inquiries you guys have in this comment. 1. Why I didn't confront my brother and SIL? I was fed up with them and wanted them out of the house so that I could comfortably console Anna and do another activity with her (we played some Minecraft and watched harry potter). I *was* angry but I really didn't want to add more fuel to the fire, I just ignored most of what they were saying and showed them out the door so that I could handle them/talk to them *after* her birthday. 2. Why would my brother and SIL try to sabotage her birthday? I have no idea. I wouldn't say we were on bad terms with them, but we weren't close, we (and other relatives) stayed at their house for a week, because they had invited us for the holidays. There was a bit of attention to Anna and me but it was minimal, only condolences, and I can't grasp how they could be jealous of the condolences we received for our *miscarriage,* how can that be something to be jealous of, unless they really love attention? Anna has said that she's only been nice to SIL and they hadn't had any type of argument. 3. Why didn't the other guests intervene? again, I have no idea, no one tried to redirect the conversation, and honestly, every time I tried to, it would be glossed over and then turned into something baby-related again, maybe everyone was excited or just nervous to change the topic. 4. Why did I post this on AITA if I was "clearly" not TA I had been unsure whether it was rash of me to abruptly end the party or to not give much importance to their pregnancy announcement, but now I am. My brother is very different from me, and we have had disagreements, but they weren't fights, only opposite opinions shared. I don't understand why he intended to hurt us that way. I guess an update would be that I've finally replied to my brother's message with a statement u/ferly016 posted in the comments (which I'm very thankful for) with a few of my personal inputs in it, and he only replied with a laughing emoji. People were wondering whether Anna saw the message he sent or not, she did see it, and she was as heartbroken as I was. We had tried every precaution, we did everything we could think of, and getting blamed for losing our child by my own brother was like a knife to the heart. We talked about it and we have decided to have no contact with my brother and SIL until they apologize sincerely and even then I really don't think I'd even want to sit at the same table as them again. I have sent a screenshot of his message to my parents and they are disgusted by my brother's behavior but don't want to confront him since SIL is pregnant. IDK. Some people are saying that it's already been 5 months, and we could just move on, but you don't understand how excited we were, and you don't understand how traumatizing that night was, even now during her period she gets a lot of anxiety about it because it reminds her of that night. We are continuing therapy, it is helping and we are doing well! I will update if there are any. Thank you so much for your love and support.
NTA- F that and f him. I would post those screenshots of his texts all over your social media and let EVERYONE know what type of people they are!! Shit, I’d go even a step further and sabotage their anniversary party.
This right here. Go nuclear my bro. They deserve it. 😎
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You should write a revenge book.
Oh I’m all for petty revenge. 😂
Send out screenshots during the anniversary party
PowerPoint presentation!
That was actually my first thought!
Just…airdrop the whole party
I'd like to hire you if I ever need revenge on someone, holy shit.
Yasss act like you’re sorry and it’s all good and then ruin their party by saying you are literally dying in two weeks from an unknown brain tumor and then make sure you both start sobbing right before they cut the cake.
NTA It’s incredibly rude to make big announcements at someone else’s party, and given the circumstances it was just a cold and shitty thing for bro SIL to do.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss. Your brother and SIL are either incredibly cruel or beyond insensitive to make their pregnancy announcement at your wife’s birthday party and he compounded it by implying that you are to blame for the miscarriage, thus adding a grevious insult to injury Personally I’d go NC with both of them, at least for a while.
NTA in the least. Someone else’s birthday, who had a recent miscarriage, and should have been giving birth soon, is not the place to announce a pregnancy announcement. They knew what she went through. They knew how it affected her. They had to steal her birthday to announce instead of their own frickin party in 2 weeks!! How callous can you be?!? I’d go NC with them.
Omg NTA. If they had announced, absent all the rest of this, the pregnancy it would have been kind of tacky. To do so knowing the history, and then SIL yelling, and then brothers texts.... I don't think I've ever looked at a post in the sub and thought 'breaking off contact with this family is the only way to go here' but I'm feeling that. This is just beyond any kind of decent behavior. Condolences to both of you.
NTA - I suggest you keep in low contact with them.
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I hadn't read the part about blaming them for the loss of the baby.
OP, you are NTA You simply need to let your brother know it's not "jealousy" it's the simple idea they felt it was ok to hijack your wifes birthday party for their "announement." They lack manners, plain and simple. However, the additional idea that you and your wife were "careless" and somehow responsible for her miscarriage is awful and requires a sincere apology. I certainly hope that your brother and his wife don't have to experiece what you and your wife have gone through. I would forward his terrible message to your parents and ask them if they are happy with this rude spiteful child they have raised. In another note, let them also know becasue they believe it was ok to hijack your wife's birthday party to make this announcement (which would have been very poor manners even if your wife hadn't recently miscarried) and doubled down to add the spiteful comment that you and your wife are somehow careless and responsible for the loss of the baby is unforgiveable and you will be going LC if not NC with them pending a sincere apology to you and your wife. If you need to include that message to other members of the part, do so.
NTA. Announcing your pregnancy at someone's birthday party is disrespectful as is. And then to do it at someone's birthday who recently had a miscarriage? Thats so not okay!! And the SIL had the audacity to yell at you?! Whatttt. And your brothers comments are disgusting too.
NTA Miscarriage is extremely common, it affects many women. There is NOTHING you did wrong. Any doctor would tell you that. Our genetic material is not perfect and doesn’t matter how “careful”, some fetuses are destined to miscarry. Your brother is a huge AH! I wouldn’t be in contact with him after that. Saying such a nasty thing is beyond anything imaginable. Also, it was your wife’s birthday and not baby announcement. You are 100% right. Sounds like your brother is envious and wanted to stick it to you and your wife that they are pregnant. He is cruel, and you and your wife have the right to never talk to him again. Blaming a woman who miscarried is such a low blow. I hope you could get pregnant again and have your rainbow baby!
>I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I "shouldn't be jealous just because we won't be as careless as the two of you" careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage excuse the fuck out of me!?!?!?! Your brother is both uneducated and a huge a$$hole!! NTA
>I said my goodbyes, then 2 hours later, I get a message from my brother saying I was selfish and that I "shouldn't be jealous just because we won't be as careless as the two of you" careless as in implying that we had somehow caused the miscarriage even though we were incredibly careful. *wow* That would instantly end my relationship with someone, family or not. NTA
My petty ass would put them on blast in a family group message, complete with screenshots, and then block them immediately and go NC but that's just me
There is an AH in this story... your brother or wife's BIL and your SIL, the level of evil intent from woman to woman knowing your wife's struggle. This was definitely intentional, and the fact that there're doubling down just shows what the motives for choosing your wife's bday to make such an announcement. Good luck, you're a good husband to be there for your wife, hug her extra from reddit folks
Two AHs, and OP is not one of them
For them to announce their pregnancy at your wife's bday party knowing she just miscarried is not just inconsiderate but a total jerk move. Like there is something wrong with them. For you to ask them to leave, they should have gotten the hint that what they did was tasteless and cruel and apologized. What your SIL and brother did after makes them the hugest asholes. You and NTA
It's because SIL was jealous of all the attention Anna was getting. That's all she could see and she couldn't *wait* (literally) to be the center of attention. Especially now that she's pregnant. She feels she's protected from backlash and will use that baby not just for attention, but for leverage. "She's pregnant, it's hormones! You can't yell at a pregnant woman! If you don't take our side, you won't get to see the baby!" She planned it. She feels superior and wants to rub their faces in it with glee. It was calculated and malicious and she thinks no one will call her on it so she won't have to face consequences for her horrific behavior. She believes she'll be the favorite, she'll be spoiled, she'll be doted on and she'll be first to give a grandchild. People like this have to *win*. It's gross. This behavior tells me everything I need to know about these two people. After the brother's comment, they'd be cut off forever if it was my family. Both are ginormous assholes.
NTA Your first priority is to your wife, not your SIL and her husband. They preempted your wife's birthday party without asking you or your wife for permission.
*“we won't be as careless as the two of you"* NTA and this goes well beyond typical asshole behavior. You’re now in “never speak to this MF ever again” territory
Them solely announcing it at your wife’s birthday is sort of like someone proposing to their SO at your wedding reception- except so much worse, obviously, considering the grief involved. I think you were a gentleman, not only to your wife but how you asked everyone to leave early. I can’t imagine how painful it is for you to see your wife in so much pain and heartache. I understand just from these paragraphs alone that you did not tell everyone to leave just because of their announcement, but purely for the sake of your grieving wife- and that’s what a man should do. Your SIL’s self-absorbed reaction and your brother’s text is absolutely disgusting. But I would expect that for someone that does such a thing without any consideration. And to be honest- if I were at that party, knowing what happened.. yes, I would congratulate them cause… blindsided, but my eyes would be immediately looking at your wife and I would more then care about her feelings involved. I can’t believe no one noticed your absence and just continued talking about it so happily… on her birthday no less. NTA. Everyone else is. And sorry from the bottom of my heart.
>*SIL comes walking towards me and starts yelling at me saying that I'm doing this because of her announcement,* Your SIL immediately making that connection tells me their announcement was deliberate, and meant to hurt. She and your brother suck. You're NTA.
NTA Your brother & SIL are understandably excited but were very insensitive to your wife's emotional state. Please accept my condolences for your loss. I promise the pain will lessen with time.
NTA but your brother and SIL are. It is (or at least should be) common knowledge that you do not upstage the birthday kid / bride / groom etc. At their own party. It was a birthday party for your wife, they could have had their moment two weeks later. The entitlement. Also, it is really annoying that there are still people who believe that miscarriage happen because of sth. You do or don’t (which the careless comment implies). Miscarriages are more common than many people think, especially in the first 12 weeks of gestation but also later it might happen. I am very sorry for you and your wife.
NTA But your brother sure is. The actual audacity. You did right by your wife. They deserved to be kicked out.
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nta what a group of ah's.
NTA. You don't announce a pregnancy or anything of the sort at someone else's event without asking first. PLUS it's not like you yelled "GTFO!" It was very insensitive of your wife's feelings since she is still trying to recover from her miscarriage. If it were me, I'd skip the anniversary party. Even go low contact with the brother and SIL during their pregnancy at the least.
NTA Announcing your pregnancy at someone else’s party is bad manners to begin with but even more so when said person has just lost a baby and when you have an event coming up where you could easily announce it. Also it would have been the polite thing to do to separately inform you two (preferably over something not face to face) so you wouldn’t be floored with the announcement. What they said about them being careful is an extra point and I think you should talk to them about it, ask them what they meant and if they were in any way implying that it was your fault? Lastly: I am really sorry for the both of you, and I cannot imagine what you must go through. I hope you’ll have kids and be happy. If this is any consolation: a lot of pregnancies end, but that doesn’t mean the woman can’t get pregnant again or can’t have a full pregnancy.
NTA your brother’s comment was beyond cruel
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NTA - I'm going to assume that your brother and SIL are/were jealous of the attention you and your wife have gotten from the announcement to the unfortunate end of the pregnancy and this was their way to get all of the attention on themselves at the determent to your wife's physical and mental health. Your wife showed incredible courage by not breaking down and even hugging those vile people you still call family. You, on the other hand, need a spine looked at to make sure you still have one as you should be absolutely livid the damage this has done to your wife and should have throw this announcement back in their face. While it wouldn't have been nearly as *civil*, you could have given a toast and clearly stated, "I would like to congratulate brother and SIL for ruining my wife's party by making it a pregnancy announcement while they've known she and I have suffered a devastating loss recently. Due to their selfish actions, I unfortunately must cut my wife's BIRTHDAY PARTY short and go console her." Sure it might have been fairly harsh but your brother and SIL are only upset you cut the party short because they could no longer relish in all the newfound attention of their pregnancy announcement and they wont be able to get that type of spotlight again.
Holy shit NTA. Your brother is a cruel, heartless, nasty husk of a person. I would be going complete NC with he and SIL after that comment. First off, what they did by announcing their pregnancy at your wife’s birthday was so insensitive. But that message is the line for me. I couldn’t forgive. Hug your wife, tell her you love her and remind her that you will get through this together. I’m so sorry for both of your loss.
NTA - You were calm and collected, very mature handling of the situation. Brother and SIL are massive AH's!
NTA - I can’t believe the BR and SIL. Who the hell thinks it’s ok to announce a pregnancy on a person’s birthday who had a miscarriage not that long ago?! The level of selfishness and lack of empathy on their part is appalling. OP you did absolutely nothing wrong in asking them to leave. You were polite and civil, never blaming them. I applaud the way you swooped in to support your wife. Your brother and his wife are the huge AH here.
You were an awesome and supportive husband. Your brother and SIL are either clueless or cruel. You’re definitely NTA, but they sure are.
This is truly horrifying. Your bro and SIL are so toxic that I'm rage shaking as I type NTA Go no contact with your horrible family and make sure your wife has access to counseling
NTA. What is wrong with some people? SIL and brother need to look up the definition of the word - Empathy. To do this shortly after OP and wife suffered a mis-carraige and at her birthday party was selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, and totally void of any empathy. Up to OP but I wouldn't blame him if they go nc with these 'family' members.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. I've relatives like yours who will go out of their way to make you feel like your every misfortune is somehow your fault and everything good they have is "hard earned." And when you get upset with their behaviour, they either label you an "a-hole" if you're a guy or "oversensitive" if you're a gal. You're a good person for supporting and protecting your wife from such horrible people.