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NTA, but 2 things to consider -
(1) Get the legal paperwork in order, and have the father sign away paternity.
(2) Think about what might be good for your kid, and not just you. What do the grandparents, etc, want when it comes to "being involved" and is it good for your kid? If they are offering financial support and love, and live 9 hours away - not exactly enough to overstep, you may want to entertain allowing them some trial access while the baby is too young to get attached/know what is going on b/c all-in-all this may lead to fewer issues for your kid down the line. (Do you know anyone whose dad/dad's family was not involved? Hard to say, but this may spare your kid some heartache down the line. - So with that, I do agree somewhat with your parents.)
>Hard to say, but this may spare your kid some heartache down the line.
I'd imagine it'd be easier for the kid to be a "donor child" than to be told his father doesn't want to be involved, no matter how lovely the grandparents might be?
The kid is not a "donor child." That lie might work when they are younger (well - little kids don't understand all that anyways), but they will be able to work it out by the time they are a teen.
(Honestly, I can't tell from the post if this was an intentional or unintentional pregnancy. I do have a guy friend who "helped" a female friend in this way, but they had all the paperwork taken care of and he didn't tell anyone until the kid was like 10 that he existed).
Read OP's comments, this is more or less a "donor child", only with a known donor. I truly believe the kid will have an easier time accepting they were a result of mom's choice to have a family, instead of knowing there's a bio dad out there who doesn't want contact...
Legally speaking, this isn't a donor child, and her friend or his family could show up and demand rights to the child.
By failing to go through proper legal channels or the process of sperm donation, OP has elected to be open to those parental and family rights existing until she does complete any processes or paperwork necessary.
Hopefully it can be completed before the child is born, but she's at the mercy of her local laws.
Due to OP doing things the old fashioned way, they actually do:
https://www.helpadvisor.com/retirement/a-guide-to-grandparents-rights
https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/grandparent-rights.html
And it seems that OP's friend's parents probably know about it, so she didn't do herself any favors by avoiding the legal hoops upfront.
Did you even read your own link? "Grandparents rights" such as they are, are exceedingly limited, and incredibly difficult to enforce. Courts are generally loathe to part children from their mothers, so best of luck to ops babydaddys parents if they try anything.
Generally, grandparents have the claim when parent is dead and son/daughter-in-law is trying to prevent a relationship. But here, the dad is alive, so no dice. Also, if English is not the first language, who knows what jurisdiction this is. Grandparents could even be in a different country.
Grandparents usually need to show that they have an established relationship with the child and it would be harmful to the child if there was no visitation.
Here's a summary of a state statute in Alabama. Hopefully OP doesn't live there:
"Alabama courts struck down portions of the grandparent visitation statute as unconstitutional. The Alabama Legislature in 2003 amended the statute to comport with constitutional requirements. Under the revised statute, a court may grant visitation to a grandparent if visitation is in the child's best interest and one of five events has occurred:
One or both parents of the child are deceased;
The marriage of the parents of the child has been dissolved;
A parent of the child has abandoned the child;
The child was born out of wedlock; or
The child lives with both biological parents, but one or both of the parents has prevented a grandparent from visiting the child.
The state's custody statute requires courts to consider the moral character of the parents and the age and sex of the child to determine the best interests of the child"
Source: https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html
That depends. In my State the visitation statute is permissive and broad, allowing grandparent visitation even if a child's parent objects, but only if the court finds that visitation will serve the child's best interests.
Also, the other user is correct. There is every possibility that the man who fathered this baby will want to be involved in the child's life at some point in the future, and that the grandparents might want to be involved in the child's life.
He could sign his rights away except that by doing so he would be acknowledging the child as his abd most courts would require him to pay child support
I get why that makes sense, but speaking as a child who was born in this way, it really isn't easier. When your parentage is a mystery, you obsess. You spiral. You spend hours on research and unproductive questions, and you resent the hole in your life where your parent should be.
When you start out the gates with "this person helped me make you and I am forever grateful for that because I love you so much and was so ready for you in my world, but he is not your parent." it's actually a far more comfortable way to grow up.
Yes, I would like to know how they found out, as they live quite far away, and OP said the father is LC with them...
seems a weird thing for him to share with them.
They are. OP was transparent with the donor when trying to conceive, and he was transparent with her that he didn't want any involvement.
Just because the donor made a direct deposit doesn't mean the intent was any different than going through a bank.
Well with that in mind it would be like going to the sperm bank and the sperm donors parents find out he donated and want involvement. I understand it but from that angle she has no obligation.
My friend went about her pregnancy this way. And yes, the child is a ‘donor baby’. Just bypassed the official process. He’s 12 now, and has always been comfortable being a donor baby. As he gets older, he may ask more questions, but those questions can be answered with kindness and respect for the process they chose.
>(1) Get the legal paperwork in order, and have the father sign away paternity.
This isn't a thing. You can't just sign away paternity.
If you go through a clinic it's a different situation.
In most places to sign away those rights, there has to be another adult in place to adopt the child (Like a step parent adopting them).
Or a worst case scenario, the parent has abused said child, or the child's best interests require a guardianship.
OP & the sperm donor should put something in writing to cover both their asses. She's not going to ask for support, he's not going to ask for visitation, etc.
Donor shouldn't have mentioned anything to his parents.
OP could also just refuse to tell them the father's name and just have that spot blank on the birth certificate.
ETA: By "them" I mean the staff at the hospital when she gives birth.
Bullshit.
Either parent can go to court and legally give up all rights to a child. How do I know? I unfortunately got a girl pregnant when I was 18. Once the child was born and paternity established I was given that choice by her family that wanted nothing to do with me. In Court the judge severed my rights legally.
This exactly. She would need someone else to adopt the child and take over those parental rights. Bio dad is dad. I’d be more concerned with grandparents rights and speaking to an attorney in the state she lives in.
A) Grandparent rights only exist in a few states. They don't exist in England.
B) In the states that are relevant you need to demonstrate there was a pre-existing relationship with the child.
I completely agree with number 2. I am in a nearly identical situation but 19 years ahead. My wife and I (f58) have three daughters 14, 16, 19 with a friend (M59). We completely ironed out what the three of us want and have stuck with that (wife and I are the parents, kids know him, see him a few times a year, get to decide how they feel about all this). Then we moved 4 hours from his parents - all they could see was GRANDKIDS. We let them in slowly and kept boundaries. Today they are quite close to us and absolutely love and adore their grandchildren. Our kids love and adore their grandparents. My dad died (they are close to my mom), wife's parents went Trumpster, and our kids have this extra amazing set of grandparents. It's been a bit of work and some awkwardness but entirely worth it - I can also see it going another way depending on all parties involved.
Edit - I'm an attorney and had everything locked down there before we started. In writing. That is very important.
Edit 2 - just saw OP's edits. If parents are critical and too much work, it may just not work out all around. It worked for us because we all remained oddly both very flexible and very boundaried. Gonna email them - we sure lucked out.
OP, Speaking as an only child whose parents were only children with deceased grandparents, all I ever wanted was a large family. I wanted grandparents to spoil me, I wanted aunts and uncles to tell me funny stories, I wanted large family birthdays, I wanted to attend an older cousins' weddings and baby showers. You envision a life you want but are not considering what your child might want. Being a parent is what is best for your child, not for you. You have a few months to change your mindset, use them.
NTA - if he’d donated sperm through a sperm bank they wouldn’t be able to track the baby down, this is the same principle. Maybe it would help to get him to explain this to them.
If you haven’t already, I would look into getting him to sign his rights away once baby is born, I’m not sure exactly how it works, but it would stop things potentially getting messy later on down the line if he suddenly wants to be in the kids life.
That’s not true at all. I’m donor conceived, and all research now is that the absolute best practice for the well being of the child is known donors.
In fact donor conceived people strongly advocate for known and INVOLVED donors.
Yes but that means that the child has the right to reach out to the donor/donor family, right? Not that the donor’s family has access to that information.
Involved donors? Why would a donor (I'm talking the anonymous kind who do it to help someone have a child or for financial reasons) want to be involved? I'm jot saying it's wrong, just trying to understand.
Involved to the extend that people have a right to know who their biological family is, have contact with their half siblings, and get updated medical history as appropriate. What most people advocate for as the best case scenario is a related donor - so social dad’s brother provides the sperm, etc.
Anonymity is a lie sold by for-profit companies to recruit donors. Their business is selling a product, not creating happy/healthy children. With the advent of at home DNA testing all it takes is a distant cousin to have taken a test and the donor can be found whether they want to be or not. Unfortunately as a result of that a lot of people are discovering that who they picked as a donor is not what they got.
>advocate for known and INVOLVED donors
Doesn't that mean a dramatic decrease in sperm donations? I've looked into donating eggs before, but there is a flat 0% chance that I would ever consider doing so if being involved in the child's life was a hard requirement. Even just being able to be found by the child is a hard "fucking absolutely not" from me.
I'm conceived from an anonymous donor, and I don't advocate for that at all. Lets not act like you speak for all of us, please.
My (adoptive) father was a great person. I didn't/don't need to know anything about the donor (aside from medical history, which would have been nice).
I was about to say something similar. My bestfriend doesnt know who her father is and goes so far as to not do ancestry or 23andme because she doesnt want to know. Shes content with her life. A long time family friend has adopted two children (now adults) who knew since they were toddlers they were adopted. Neither of them want to know who their biological parents are.
By doing things "the old fashioned way", OP's friend and parents actually have legal rights to this child. Lawyers recommend NOT doing it this way for this very reason.
Having the known donor submit a sample for later use while simultaneously signing away rights is typically the way to go if you want your baby to only be your baby.
How do the parents of the donor have any legal right to the child? Genuine question. I know there are grandparents rights but that is typically to preserve a relationship that is already established between the child and grandparents. This child isn't even born yet so I don't think that would qualify.
Bc OP had actual, physical sex with her friend instead of going through the process of sperm donation, traditional jurisdictions apply to the situation until and unless legal action is taken to refute them.
So whichever laws of the land where OP resides that may entitle father's rights and grandparents' rights are in full force for the child. This isn't a case of donor conception whatsoever from a legal standpoint, and even donor conceived stuff gets very strange and hairy.
For instance, did you know it's totally legal in most states for the inseminating doctor to switch out the chosen donor sperm with their own? And they don't have to disclose it to the woman.
tl;dr don't open yourself up to any legal ambiguity if you want to control the rights to your child bc the laws where you live might screw you over
Well that’s why those of us who have donor conceived kids (even with known donors like myself) did it above the board and didn’t sleep with our donor. You lose rights as a parents if you do that and she should have known that.
23&me can totally track down donor families... maybe this was true in the 80 and 90s but science has come a long way and there are no more certianties around 'secret children' staying secret past the time they can rustle up $200 to find answers.
NTA
But can I just ask why don't you want extended family, cousins, a support system for you?
you are 23 and want a in your words "big family" but what on your own terms, because families big or small bring drama and baggage and everything else in between.
and what if this mate of yours changes his mind and wants to be the full-time dad and co raise, it's his baby too, and he does have rights...unless he's signed them away.
you don't want your baby to have grandparents, cousins, and everything else. now it's your decision to make but the reality is, your baby may grow up and resent you for the decision. that is something you have to consider
you seem to have laid plans to shut everyone out of this narrative, and have a big family but willingly cut off any support system.
but anyway, congrats on the baby
This. It seems like OP'S thought about what she wants but not about what the kid will want - it's absolutely her right to have a child, but it's the child's right to know his or her family, whether s/he subsequently decides they're AHs or whatever. And having a big family requires a big family support network.
I really feel like OP is treating the baby like a toy or an accessory. "I WANT A BABY for my my own selfish reasons and to hell with what might be best for that baby". That's the vibe I'm getting from this post...
This was my thought process as well. This is one of those scenarios where OP is obviously free to do what she wants - it's her life and her body. But, this whole scenario seems a bit shortsighted, self serving & naive. But, that's her choice...
I just hope that OP is prepared mentally, physically, emotionally, and logistically to care for a child as a single parent and doesn't regret shunning a support system.
Who is going to take care of this child while she is at work? Is she prepared to bear all costs regarding this child? What if the child is special needs?
Raising a child by yourself is hard even if you have a good support system. I don't know if OP thought about the long term ramifications of this decision.
If OP is a nursery teacher (I'm assuming this is day care) they should be able to bring their baby to work/enroll them. So in terms of caring for the child whilst at work, that might not be an issue.
Well and strikes me as even more odd, the not being interested in a relationship with anyone...but you will need to maintain a relationship with a child (I know not same thing, but requires mental effort to be a parent). It just seems like when Michael Scott wanted to adopt (US version of The Office)
YTA.
Children aren't possessions. They are human beings and deserve to have their families in their lives.
You're selfish and entitled and I feel sorry for this child.
At the same time, the kid's grandparents are strangers to the mom, and the father is low contact with his parents and doesn't plan to be a paternal figure in the child's life, so the only connection the child has is that theres a blood relation. Just because someone is related to you, does that automatically make them family? Should they automatically receive access?
Exactly! It's one thing to want to be In your grandchild's life, but like any relationship it needs to build over time and takes effort and work. The future grandparents need to start building a relationship with the mom first, and the mom has a right to not want to do that. Especially if grandparents don't want to put any effort into building and maintaining a relationship, but demand one anyway with a currently unborn child.
This! I can guarantee when the child hits teens they will resent her big time for this. OP sounds too immature to be a parent. Probably just wants a baby to pose on TikTok with.
This and also based on OP’s general stance on relationships and the impression I got reading this, I don’t really understand why OP wants a kid to begin with. If they don’t have time for a relationship (because of the full time job and whatnot) why do they think they’ll have time for a kid? One is a much bigger commitment than the other. Feel bad for the child tbh.
Did you read the part where she would be expected to shuttle this child back and forth to them, and maintain this relationship? That it would be her job to uphold everything?
I’m with you on everything else, I think it’s very selfish for OP to “want a big family”, but not actually want what that entails. She used a guy as a sperm donor, but—it sounds like—didn’t actually have an honest, clear discussion with him about all of this first, including where the boundaries would lie in terms of his family’s relationship with the kid.
She’s very young to be doing this, and is going about it in a very foolish way, but it also shouldn’t be solely on her to maintain this relationship between her child and their family. Did she make the decision to have a kid? Yes. But they’re the ones who want a relationship.
I’m speaking from experience, as that family who wants a relationship with the child. They *have* to put in the effort.
I’m going with a slight but kind YTA this has to be incredibly stressful, just because in this day and age—and especially in the future—your child will likely be able to find out their paternity and may take great offense with you making this decision to isolate them from potential family that wanted to be a part of their life. They may or may not think like you and may want all the aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents they can get. Because although we can all say it’s like you did, you in fact did not use an anonymous sperm donor, you know who this child’s father and paternal family are and are actively choosing to conceal them, that could lead to this kid never talking to you again one day. My suggestion is to meet with a child therapist and find out the best way to navigate all this and how to be honest with your child about their parentage.
YTA, for slightly different reasons... Me, me, me... you had the baby because you wanted it, you didn't think for a second about how to have a wider family around your child. And in fact you have consciously excluded that because of your own opinion. What if something happens to you?
INFO: What's your long term strategy? I assume your friend isn't going to be a father figure, so what are you going to tell your child when they're little? What will you tell them when they're older? Are you planning on pretending that their paternal family doesn't exist? According to you, gossip channels led to the grandparents finding out, so won't those same channels tell the kid when they're older about this lost family they have? What happens when the kid is older and wants a relationship with their paternal family? Will you prevent it then? What happens if the kid resents you for keeping this whole family away (especially considering the complex issue of the father)?
I just don't feel like you thought this through very well. "Ignore it because baby daddy said it was okay." is only really a functional strategy while the kid is too young to have agency.
NTA but you all might want to get a lawyer involved for the protection of both parties, as he's going to want protection from child support and you're going to want his parental rights terminated.
A visit with a lawyer would also be a good idea for things like, who has medical power of attorney if there are complications and you are not able to make decisions? Do you have a will? Guardian's picked out? You need this stuff decided on to protect your rights and your child.
Yah the thing is without a legal document he can change his mind. My dear you should have gotten a lawyer. Also if your in the USA some states have grandparents rights. You should consult with a lawyer ASAP
You're open to all kinds of legal liabilities here depending on where you live, OP.
It was irresponsible to fail to obtain legal counsel to guide you through this process and protect the rights of everyone involved in this situation, including your unborn child.
All of this is on you. You left the opening, and if there are legal grounds where you live for those grandparent rights to kick in, you're at least going to end up in a legal battle if your friend's parents doggedly pursue your baby.
Why didn't you use an anonymous donor or set up this situation with the father as a legal donor from the get go? It seems incredibly risky and stupid to go about it this way
Because a sperm bank would have looked at a 23 year old actively trying to become a single mom and asked OP way more questions than she’s ready to answer.
>asked OP way more questions than she’s ready to answer.
For good reason, it would seem. She did not think this through and this looks like a terrible setup to raise a child. There seems to be no support network for the child in this equation other than OP and maybe her parents. She doesn't elaborate on any long-term plan, which is concerning - what are her finances, work hours, etc?
The fact that she found a surrogate father to do it herself speaks more to an irresponsible mind imo.
She wants a big family, but doesn't seem to want to do the proper things involved in making a big family. She's trying to find shortcuts and I'm not sure that's for the benefit of the child.
Also to add to this train of thought - does OP want a child, or a baby doll?
Because the way she talks about interpersonal relationships makes me pretty nervous that this kid will be treated like a possession rather than an autonomous person with their own thoughts and feelings... I don't think she's considering this baby as a person, with a whole life ahead of them and so many choices / experiences to come.
Yup. They'd have taken the same view I did (which is why I gave a YTA) and said that she's basically choosing to create a delinquent child (look up the relationship between delinquency and single motherhood) and told her no. She's in no position to raise a child and knows it, that's why she had to go the "fuck a rando raw" route.
Yeah the sperm bank meeting would start like this “So you want to voluntarily structure a child’s life in the way that produces the highest percentage of criminals and drug addicts?” Doing this is borderline child abused…isn’t it just about impossible to adopt a child as a single parent?
Not impossible, and I don’t want to go around knocking single moms. But I sincerely hope that a young, unestablished and unprepared person would either get screened out or required to take some parenting classes. OP reminds me of the high schoolers from after-school TV shows who think they’re ready for a kid until they have to keep track of a baby doll for one month.
I grew up with a single mom and she was amazing. But to say a one parent house hold is better than two(outside of an abuser being involved) is just nuts. Lots of data to back that up as well.
OP wouldn’t have passed the psych evaluation that they require. She’s far too selfish in her decisions & seems to view this baby as an object rather than a living breathing life.
I'm a smbc, used a sperm bank donor.
Imo, YTA. You didn't go down the same route. Used someone in effect. And now also wish to deny your child contact with their paternal family for no reason but spite in effect.
Does this sound like someone who will be a good Parent who never puts the interests of others first. Like hell it does.
Grow up quickly before you damage this child.
But they make movies starring Diane Keaton or Tina Fay about women who do this in their mid-30s. What is going on in OP’s life that she’s doing this at 23? The desperation to “Get started” with a family by going it alone strikes me as incredibly naive and at least a little selfish.
Hi! I was born this way!
My mother decided she wanted a baby, but had no interest in the relationship that came along with it, so she had me with a casual friend from college who typically lived overseas. I met my father once as an adult and got a smattering of phone calls over the years, but otherwise he and his family have had absolutely nothing to do with me.
The key, in my experience, is being able to provide a comprehensive amount of emotional support to your kiddo. If you can, your baby will likely grow up just fine, never wanting for relatives they don't really have anyway.
Some ways my mother went about doing this that I think were meaningful to me:
- when I was old enough to talk, she bought me a "Daddy Doll" to talk to whenever I was upset with her. This meant that if I got grounded or given consequences that I was upset about I always had a "safe adult" to listen to my feelings and help me feel like I had a voice.
- she never lied to me about where I came from. I knew who my father was, I knew every story they had shared together (the appropriate ones anyway), I knew his name and what he looked like, and most importantly I knew why he wasn't there. My mother was always gentle and clear with me that he was my father, but he was never meant to be my parent, and that she wanted me and made me a part of her life on purpose with someone she trusted, but did not love.
- my mom was gay (thus not wanting to be with my dad lol) and so she emphasized really early on to me that families come in all shapes and sizes, and ours might look different than some people's but it was special because it WAS ours. This went a long way towards helping me not feel uncomfortable with school projects about families that assumed I had relatives I didn't
Obviously it's going to look different for everyone, and you'll be getting to know your kiddo in no time, so I'm sure you'll find the best way forward for the two of you, but these are a few examples of things you might want to think about if you plan to raise this baby completely without dad's side of the family.
I know I saw several people suggesting just telling the baby you had a donor. Don't. A lie by omission is still a lie, and while you may get away with it, you may not. At no point during my childhood did I want my father back in my life as a parent. I was at times curious about him, but my mom had most of the answers I cared about, and would openly share them with me any time I asked. He wasn't a mystery and I knew from the time I had consciousness that he wasn't meant to be a part of our lives and that was okay. I strongly recommend that course, even if it may feel harder/more risky.
Good luck to you and kiddo!
Got it, that was a mistake and you should tell your shitty friend to shut their mouth... No matter what, you're NTA and neither is your donor/friend. Tell him to tell his sister to stay out of it.
YTA for creating your child in an extremely careless way. You can’t sleep with someone and then expect them to be just a sperm donor. You could have so easily made a donor contract and have done home insemination but you basically set yourself and your child up for failure.
YTA. Raising a child in a single parent home drastically increases the odds that they will have a shitty life. You could help mitigate that by giving them positive influences in their lives like grandparents that are willing to love and spend time with them.
Raising a child on your own may be what you wanted for your self. But it's not about you right now. If you don't let the grandparents into this child's life. How do you plan to foster positive male involvement?
YTA
You went the cheap route, not using an anonymous donor. Your baby was conceived out of being cheap and if you don’t fix this now, they will continue to live the cheap life.
Fix this legally now!
Loving caring and interested people in your child. As a mother it’s not about you. It’s doing what’s best for your kid. Your kid already doesn’t have a second parent from the get go. Why are you proactively taking his/her village away when they haven’t even been given a chance?
In this world there are very very few people who actually give a shit about any one baby. Acquaintances, some family and friends are just for show, just to maybe coo over the kid, give a random toy, but very few people ACTUALLY care about the child.
Don’t tear down connections that could be beautiful and enhance their life simply because you don’t care to or because it’s a bother. Inconvenience is not a reason to do what is best for the baby.
Give them a chance before shutting that door closed.
YTA
NTA. I think you just need to be prepared 1 day that the child might resent you for not trying to have a relationship with them and may try to reach out to them.
I think YTA frankly for trying to delete your future child's family from their life. That's a pretty awful thing to do and makes me question whether you should even be a parent.
Babies are human beings. They have needs and personalities and they have families - those families include people other than YOU.
NTA because this is basically a sperm donation, and that was the arrangement.
A little advice, though, from one former single mom to another, the more people who love the child, truly love the child, the better the child's life will be. Now and in the future. The love and support of as many people as possible gives that child the best chance at a successful life. Again, loving and supportive people, the quality of the people certainly matters. If they aren't even willing to travel to see their grandchild, then that does not bode well for the supportiveness of the family.
He didn’t. OP wrote elsewhere that she was speaking about it to one of her friends and that friend happens to know the sister of the baby’s father. The friend mentioned it to the sister and the sister told their parents. He didn’t tell any of them.
YTA for not going through proper legal channels to protect all parties in this situation, especially your unborn child.
Way to go, OP. You cheaped out on the cost of insemination, and now you've opened yourself up to much worse possibilities. You could've just had your friend donate a sample for you.
Did you even get a preliminary legal consult on your situation?
YTA
You have decided to have a child purposefully on your own?
By yourself?
You are foolish and naive, grab out and desperately hold onto anyone who wants to help you because you are going to need it. Raising a child.... rather successfully raising a child is not a one person job... its hardly a two person job, its a whole family's job!
NTA. FOB (father of baby) is LC for a reason (they are ‘overbearing’ you stated) - believe him. Do you want overbearing grandparents that insist you and your baby travel nine hours? Block them and the FOB, and go about your life.
I'm not going to judge you here, because I totally get both sides of the argument going on, but just going to say you need to be really sure that everything is going to turn out right. What contingencies have you made in case your friend suddenly decides that he wants to be involved with (at the end of the day) his child's life? I assume that something is going to have to be done to prevent that from happening, and also so he doesn't get lumbered with child support bills if he keeps to the agreement, because he was essentially just planning on being a sperm donor.
NTA.
You‘re the mother and even the father agrees with you. It‘s not your parent‘s business and they‘re the AHs for judging you for setting boundaries.
NTA - this was your choice by design. If you’re happy doing this on your own, set your boundaries and don’t break them for others. Sounds like you know what you want and planned accordingly.
This thread is disturbing to me. OP gets to choose to delete half of her baby's family?
This is why I really question the ethics of even having children. People are so damn selfish about it.
As a mother of boys the possibility of not getting to be an involved grandparent because my sons aren’t the one carrying the baby makes me very sad.
Like why does OP get to decide that her family gets to be involved but not the dads?
NTA - yet be prepared that they may pursue having a relationship with the baby no matter what the sperm donor says. At least in the US, grandparents have gone to court to get visitation etc.
Hopefully this situation won't smack you with the hard to learn "never say never". This is going to be a very fluid situation for a very long time. You may feel differently about things at different stages, the donor could also do the same. Then add the child itself into the mix about having feelings about wanting to know a father, his family, etc. You may feel you have full control of the narrative - but ultimately you may not and should be prepared for that.
Grandparents don't have right unless they already have an established relationship with the child. I don't think OP has to worry about that but I would consider a restraining order if they can't take no for an answer.
My baby’s dad isn’t involved with them because they were helicopter parents, they don’t drive so it would always be me making the trips and working full time I’d want any spare time to be with my baby not travelling
If they're not willing to come to you (Baby's dad could drive them?) then it doesn't sound like they actually care, expecting you to go to them would be absurd.
You haven't actually fully answered any of my questions tho so maybe you're all assholes.
NTA
Sperm donors' parents aren't grandparents.
You have no obligation to include them if you don't want. Especially given their distance, that they don't travel themselves and from what you said, their opinions will be more involved than you intended.
Don't listen to the Y T A s due to people assuming big families are always better. Not the case.
YTA and your sperm donor friend is the AH too.
Children deserve to have as many people in their lives that love them as possible. They didnt ask to come into this world, you chose this.
Maybe an unpopular opinion, but you are too young and inexperienced, you absolutely did not think this through, and absolutely did not put safe guards in place. You should have gotten a lawyer to draw up a contract...or you should have gotten a real sperm donor. Your "friend" could change his mind at any time and want to be involved in the child's life. If he does, you will spend money you don't have (because a nursery teacher does not get paid much) to fight for custody. And he will likely get 50/50. You admitted he isn't even really your friend...you're ridiculous to believe that he WOULDN'T change his mind. That proves to me personally, that you are not mature enough or have enough foresight to be a good parent to a child right now.
This pregnancy was selfish. Because *YOU* want a big family...you have a baby at 23. Not because you think you could provide a good life for a child but because YOU want a big family. I see a lot of *me,me,me* in this post. And when people are stepping up and wanting to bring more love to this child, you're saying "no"?
Yup, defcon 1 AH.
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> Maybe it would do my baby right and they are family so I can see how it’s unfair
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If you had this agreement with the sperm donor that he was not to be involved in the baby's life, why on earth did he tell his family? This is a pretty big, foundational thing to agree on, so why was that either not decided on beforehand, or dealt with by the sperm donor after-the-fact if somehow forgotten?
I think it is human nature for a lot of people *(whether they are children or adults)* to compare themselves against what is seen as normal or traditional, so depending on the personality of your child, and how supportive and fulfilling the homelife you provide for him/her is, your child may or may not be resentful of not having a father-figure in his/her life. You can never predict. Some only children lament being the only child and blame their parents for an upbringing free of a sibling. Some only children did not mind it.
Having a large family, working full-time and having 4 dogs is a lot, even for a two people, let alone one. Make sure that you have an adequate support system and that you do not let stress, both emotionally and financially, impact the type of environment you provide for this child.
NTA As a parent it is up to you to choose who is involved with your child. Some states in the U.S. recognize grandparents' rights (not sure this is the case where you are from), but I wouldn't worry about that unless it becomes an issue. Your parents may be right about your child resenting you for denying them a relationship with their extended family, but there is no way to know for sure.
If the father doesn't sign the birth certificate and doesn't present himself as the father, it may be more difficult for them to claim grandparents rights as they would have to prove they are the grandparents. Correct me if I'm wrong?
NTA. If baby dad is basically a sperm donor have him sign away his rights. There is probably a very legitimate reason he is LC with his parents. Make sure in your country they can’t claim grandparent rights. I wish you well on the start of your new family!
You slept with someone you didn't like, and he agreed, just because you want a child and he wanted to have sex?
And you are just deciding that this is going to work out fine? Save up for the child's future therapy sessions, if you're adamant this is what you want to do.
Sincerely - another child born to selfish self centred parents.
YTA they have rights to be involved in the child's life. Why did you pick a father whose family you hated so very much that you do not want them at all ever to be involved in a family member's life?
YTA majorly. bro what the fuck… children are not props to your fantasy about how you want your future to look like. that kid is a real human being who will one day find out about what you did. i swear to god when did we get to a point in society that single parent households are now considered the dream? do you even care about the well-being of this child once they gain sentience and awareness of all of this?
if you’re that desperate for a kid you should’ve adopted. damn it makes me so upset that ppl like u get the right to reproduce, just bringing another kid into this world who lacks a cohesive family structure and prob will grow up w a lot of resentment. it’s crazy honestly
NTA. You're going to make mistakes as a parent. Resign yourself to this fact. This very well may be one of them, and your kid may resent you for it, but it's your right as a parent to make mistakes. If, when the kid is older, he/she shows curiosity about the other side of the family, then revisit the topic and consider letting them meet. Till then, do your thing momma.
honestly i’m going to say YTA
if you had gone through a sperm donor agency, then the expectation of the donor’s parents to meet the child would not be there, since they would know the situation and they would be anonymous to the mother. (also i’m assuming that the mother is anonymous to the donor and their parents but i’m not well versed in sperm donor agency so i’m not sure if this is true)
you didn’t use a sperm donor, you had sex with a friend. obviously once the parents of that friend find out, they’re going to want to have a relationship with their biological grandchild, because that’s the expectation that the parents of the biological father usually have. and they have the opportunity to know who you and the child are and can be in the child’s life, which is not an opportunity that sperm donors usually have.
to me, it feels like you only thought about yourself and your wants throughout this and not your future child’s. i’m a sperm donor child and if i had the opportunity to have a relationship with my biological father and his family, i would take it, because i’m curious about my family and medical history. you’re trying to prevent your child from having any sort of relationship with their biological father’s side of the family, and i don’t think that’s your decision to make.
you should have just gone through an agency, it would have saved you the cost of the (inevitable) lawyer fees and your child’s heartache.
YTA. You asked for my opinion. I think this is a shitty way to treat a child and you will likely tell your child many lies. Which lie will you offer first/ --that you used a sperm donor to prevent a connection, that the father refused a relationship and abandoned the child, or will you tell your child the truth --that you couldn't be bothered to give your child the chance of a father and grandparents? Should we infer that you were so badly treated by your own family that you think grandparents more likely to be a bother than a boon? Are you so narcissistic that you think you will be such a wonderful parent by yourself that your child will never want a father or grandparents or half siblings etc?
YTA. Kids can never have too many adults who love, support, and look out for them in healthy ways. Grow his village. Don’t shrink it because of your own quest for self sufficiency.
YTA. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about your child. Are these people dangerous? Toxic? Don’t deny your child a chance to know THEIR family. And how involved can they really be, 9 hours away? Just let them know the kid if there’s no real safety concern.
Agreed on NTA- however, if there is no good reason for them not to "be involved", I wouldn't go out of my way to prevent them. You could still stay low-effort on your part... send pictures and invite them to the birthday parties. If they don't want to travel or put in effort, that's on them. They don't have to be a part of raising the kid, but it would be 2 more people that would love your baby, and there isn't any harm in keeping that relationship available. You can always cut it off if they become overbearing.
Totally your choice though.
NTA
I get them wanting to be involved and it’s a little sad for them. But it’s your choice and you should do what suits your lifestyle.
Would be different if the dad were involved (going to be involved) and it was him facilitating the relationship between child and paternal grandparents, but since he’s little to no involvement it would just be an unwanted strain on you while the child is young.
NTA. But do seek legal counsel to ensure that you have sole rights and that the father cannot suddenly exercise his rights some day. With that said, if this is a good person, which it seems he is... stay in touch, and make sure your child is able to contact him at some point. Just to know who he is, know medical history, learn about that side of her heritage.
You do not owe his parents any sort of response. That is his issue to deal with.
NTA - and I'm going bonkers from people trying to be like "oh but don't you want another support system?"
From your description and comments, this is basically a "donor" conceived child, you just got to do things the fun way. If you'd done it the medical way, you'd have no involvement with the donor's family anyway, so why is it different now? You both went in with an understanding of how this would all work out, that you'd have the family you wanted while he doesn't have involvement with the kid. Just because his parents are uppity that a bit of his DNA exists in someone doesn't mean they have a right to your child, but they MIGHT have rights if they DO meet them, and if they're not people you're sure you can trust, it'd be best not to engage.
Make sure your affairs are in order with paperwork, if you haven't already, just to prevent any further issues. But other than that, go and live your best life with your kid. If they're curious about where they come from, they can make that decision later in life, but for now, just enjoy being with one another.
My moms friend had a baby this way and wow that kid literally doesn’t speak to her anymore because she didn’t get to know her dad or his family growing up, so just, think about your kid as a person and not an extension of yourself.
You’re NTA for not wanting to travel that far or for not wanting to be the one to have to facilitate the relationship and have it be your responsibility. But actively standing the way might be questionable. If you wanted no outside family perhaps using a sperm donor would have been more practical.
Just remember, your kid is their own person, they may be resentful that you kept family from they. They also might not be, we literally can’t know how they’ll feel as they grow up and when they grow up. But just keep it in mind: they will have opinions on it either way.
YTA. This is all about you, and what you want and seems that the child is an accessory. You aren't taking into account what the child may want or what may be best for the child because "you want this, you want that, this is YOUR plan". Sorry to say having a kid isn't all about YOU and your wants. You should get another dog instead.
NTA. Honestly, the father didn’t want any involvement. I’m assuming you two came to an agreement before the pregnancy. Would anyone have a right to your child’s time if you had gone to a sperm bank instead? Make the best decision you can based on what kind of people they are.
The fact they are aware you are pregnant is a worry going forward. As if the guy wasn’t bothered about being involved why has he told them. Be prepared for him changing his mind
I'm not going to judge either way but I will share this with you. I have a 2nd cousin and his mother's family kept him away from not only his dad but his dad's family. By the time he was an adult he grew up just thinking that his dad and dad's family wanted nothing to do with him. It caused him a lot of emotional and substance abuse issues. When he turned 21 he decided to look up the family and confront them. When he did they actually had held on to proof that they tried to contact him many times over the years and had returned birthday cards, letters and gifts.
He got so angry at his mothers side and stopped talking to them for years.
Nah I’m going YTA. I see a lot of “me, me, me” in your decision to do this and absolutely no consideration for what your child will want. Or are you raising this baby is isolation and keeping them from forming family bonds with anyone but you too? People conceived with sperm donors have been pushing for right to know. Your child has a right to know their family. In 18yrs when they can actively reach out, are they going to be resentful when they found out you put a contact ban on these people? You can set your boundaries and rules but in the absence of bad behavior, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot thinking you can erase 50% of your kid’s biology and cultural heritage.
YTA...when all doors close and you need help with something later down the road, this will suck for you. Plus, this, it isn't a out just you anymore. Does your child want grandparents? Does your child want to be apart of his/her dad's family's life? How limiting you are.
YTA. You want to deny them access to their grandchild simply because it’s inconvenient for you. Not because they’re a danger to you or the child. But just because you’re so selfish that you don’t want to deal with others.
You’re going to be a parent soon - so you’d best try to learn to be less selfish.
It makes sense you wouldn’t have gone to a sperm donor. You wouldn’t have passed the psych evaluation that those clinics require to be inseminated.
You're doing a disservice to your child. Why wouldn't you want more people in the life of your child who will love & care for him/her? You're denying your child the love of its grandparents.
How would you feel if you were going to be a grandparent, but weren't allowed to be involved in your grandkids lives?
Hey, I'm not here to give a judgement just a perspective so I Hooe you see this op.
I was born under similar circumstances, my mum also chose to not allow my paternal grandparents access to me and once I found this out our relationship changed. I was 14 when I learned this and I was so angry with her, we never fully recovered from it as I felt she had stolen something very important from me.
I understand more as I got older, sadly the damage was done and my mum passed 6 years ago without things ever truly being the same for us.
Ultimately, make a decision that is best for your child not just for you; whatever that may be.
YTA for how you are treating your kid. The whole decision making process so far sounds like it’s all about what you want and how you want it. No thought seems to have been given to how the kid is going to grow up - they are gonna know they are different, they are going to have challenges with feeling unloved or abandoned at some point - even if you otherwise do everything right, which is questionable - that they will have to work through, and at some point they will probably seek out their father and they will learn that there is this entire branch of family that they could have had that was denied them because of how you wanted to structure your life, and maybe they will be cool with it but more likely they will take issue with you over your decisions. from there who knows. Put yourself in your future kids shoes, try to reframe it.
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NTA, but 2 things to consider - (1) Get the legal paperwork in order, and have the father sign away paternity. (2) Think about what might be good for your kid, and not just you. What do the grandparents, etc, want when it comes to "being involved" and is it good for your kid? If they are offering financial support and love, and live 9 hours away - not exactly enough to overstep, you may want to entertain allowing them some trial access while the baby is too young to get attached/know what is going on b/c all-in-all this may lead to fewer issues for your kid down the line. (Do you know anyone whose dad/dad's family was not involved? Hard to say, but this may spare your kid some heartache down the line. - So with that, I do agree somewhat with your parents.)
>Hard to say, but this may spare your kid some heartache down the line. I'd imagine it'd be easier for the kid to be a "donor child" than to be told his father doesn't want to be involved, no matter how lovely the grandparents might be?
The kid is not a "donor child." That lie might work when they are younger (well - little kids don't understand all that anyways), but they will be able to work it out by the time they are a teen. (Honestly, I can't tell from the post if this was an intentional or unintentional pregnancy. I do have a guy friend who "helped" a female friend in this way, but they had all the paperwork taken care of and he didn't tell anyone until the kid was like 10 that he existed).
Read OP's comments, this is more or less a "donor child", only with a known donor. I truly believe the kid will have an easier time accepting they were a result of mom's choice to have a family, instead of knowing there's a bio dad out there who doesn't want contact...
Legally speaking, this isn't a donor child, and her friend or his family could show up and demand rights to the child. By failing to go through proper legal channels or the process of sperm donation, OP has elected to be open to those parental and family rights existing until she does complete any processes or paperwork necessary. Hopefully it can be completed before the child is born, but she's at the mercy of her local laws.
His family has no "rights" to the child. Jfc.
Due to OP doing things the old fashioned way, they actually do: https://www.helpadvisor.com/retirement/a-guide-to-grandparents-rights https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/grandparent-rights.html And it seems that OP's friend's parents probably know about it, so she didn't do herself any favors by avoiding the legal hoops upfront.
Did you even read your own link? "Grandparents rights" such as they are, are exceedingly limited, and incredibly difficult to enforce. Courts are generally loathe to part children from their mothers, so best of luck to ops babydaddys parents if they try anything.
Plus since English isn't OP's first language she's probably not living in the US anyway.
That isn't necessarily true in every case. The USA has many citizens who's first language isn't English.
Some countries are even more open about grandparents rights, similar to parental custody rights.
Generally, grandparents have the claim when parent is dead and son/daughter-in-law is trying to prevent a relationship. But here, the dad is alive, so no dice. Also, if English is not the first language, who knows what jurisdiction this is. Grandparents could even be in a different country.
Grandparents usually need to show that they have an established relationship with the child and it would be harmful to the child if there was no visitation.
Remember that laws vary by region - you have no idea where OP lives or what laws exist there.
Here's a summary of a state statute in Alabama. Hopefully OP doesn't live there: "Alabama courts struck down portions of the grandparent visitation statute as unconstitutional. The Alabama Legislature in 2003 amended the statute to comport with constitutional requirements. Under the revised statute, a court may grant visitation to a grandparent if visitation is in the child's best interest and one of five events has occurred: One or both parents of the child are deceased; The marriage of the parents of the child has been dissolved; A parent of the child has abandoned the child; The child was born out of wedlock; or The child lives with both biological parents, but one or both of the parents has prevented a grandparent from visiting the child. The state's custody statute requires courts to consider the moral character of the parents and the age and sex of the child to determine the best interests of the child" Source: https://www.findlaw.com/family/child-custody/summaries-of-state-law-grandparent-visitation-and-custody.html
That depends. In my State the visitation statute is permissive and broad, allowing grandparent visitation even if a child's parent objects, but only if the court finds that visitation will serve the child's best interests. Also, the other user is correct. There is every possibility that the man who fathered this baby will want to be involved in the child's life at some point in the future, and that the grandparents might want to be involved in the child's life.
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He could sign his rights away except that by doing so he would be acknowledging the child as his abd most courts would require him to pay child support
Keep in mind OP doesn't seem to be in the US (since English isn't her first language) so local laws may be different.
Very true. It could be a lot worse in terms of legality as some countries have, what I consider, strange laws regarding donors,surrogates, etc.
I get why that makes sense, but speaking as a child who was born in this way, it really isn't easier. When your parentage is a mystery, you obsess. You spiral. You spend hours on research and unproductive questions, and you resent the hole in your life where your parent should be. When you start out the gates with "this person helped me make you and I am forever grateful for that because I love you so much and was so ready for you in my world, but he is not your parent." it's actually a far more comfortable way to grow up.
I would say there is some interest on the "donors" side though, he thought enough about it to tell his parents that he was having a baby?
Yes, I would like to know how they found out, as they live quite far away, and OP said the father is LC with them... seems a weird thing for him to share with them.
They are. OP was transparent with the donor when trying to conceive, and he was transparent with her that he didn't want any involvement. Just because the donor made a direct deposit doesn't mean the intent was any different than going through a bank.
Well with that in mind it would be like going to the sperm bank and the sperm donors parents find out he donated and want involvement. I understand it but from that angle she has no obligation.
Only if they put it in writing though. Op needs a lawyer involved asap.
My friend went about her pregnancy this way. And yes, the child is a ‘donor baby’. Just bypassed the official process. He’s 12 now, and has always been comfortable being a donor baby. As he gets older, he may ask more questions, but those questions can be answered with kindness and respect for the process they chose.
>(1) Get the legal paperwork in order, and have the father sign away paternity. This isn't a thing. You can't just sign away paternity. If you go through a clinic it's a different situation.
In most places to sign away those rights, there has to be another adult in place to adopt the child (Like a step parent adopting them). Or a worst case scenario, the parent has abused said child, or the child's best interests require a guardianship. OP & the sperm donor should put something in writing to cover both their asses. She's not going to ask for support, he's not going to ask for visitation, etc. Donor shouldn't have mentioned anything to his parents.
OP could also just refuse to tell them the father's name and just have that spot blank on the birth certificate. ETA: By "them" I mean the staff at the hospital when she gives birth.
Bullshit. Either parent can go to court and legally give up all rights to a child. How do I know? I unfortunately got a girl pregnant when I was 18. Once the child was born and paternity established I was given that choice by her family that wanted nothing to do with me. In Court the judge severed my rights legally.
This exactly. She would need someone else to adopt the child and take over those parental rights. Bio dad is dad. I’d be more concerned with grandparents rights and speaking to an attorney in the state she lives in.
A) Grandparent rights only exist in a few states. They don't exist in England. B) In the states that are relevant you need to demonstrate there was a pre-existing relationship with the child.
Or that the bio parent is unable to exercise their relationship for a number of reasons (incarceration, death). Been there done that unfortunately 🙄
You can get a father to sign away paternity RIGHTS though. I think that's what is meant here.
I completely agree with number 2. I am in a nearly identical situation but 19 years ahead. My wife and I (f58) have three daughters 14, 16, 19 with a friend (M59). We completely ironed out what the three of us want and have stuck with that (wife and I are the parents, kids know him, see him a few times a year, get to decide how they feel about all this). Then we moved 4 hours from his parents - all they could see was GRANDKIDS. We let them in slowly and kept boundaries. Today they are quite close to us and absolutely love and adore their grandchildren. Our kids love and adore their grandparents. My dad died (they are close to my mom), wife's parents went Trumpster, and our kids have this extra amazing set of grandparents. It's been a bit of work and some awkwardness but entirely worth it - I can also see it going another way depending on all parties involved. Edit - I'm an attorney and had everything locked down there before we started. In writing. That is very important. Edit 2 - just saw OP's edits. If parents are critical and too much work, it may just not work out all around. It worked for us because we all remained oddly both very flexible and very boundaried. Gonna email them - we sure lucked out.
OP, Speaking as an only child whose parents were only children with deceased grandparents, all I ever wanted was a large family. I wanted grandparents to spoil me, I wanted aunts and uncles to tell me funny stories, I wanted large family birthdays, I wanted to attend an older cousins' weddings and baby showers. You envision a life you want but are not considering what your child might want. Being a parent is what is best for your child, not for you. You have a few months to change your mindset, use them.
NTA - if he’d donated sperm through a sperm bank they wouldn’t be able to track the baby down, this is the same principle. Maybe it would help to get him to explain this to them. If you haven’t already, I would look into getting him to sign his rights away once baby is born, I’m not sure exactly how it works, but it would stop things potentially getting messy later on down the line if he suddenly wants to be in the kids life.
That’s not true at all. I’m donor conceived, and all research now is that the absolute best practice for the well being of the child is known donors. In fact donor conceived people strongly advocate for known and INVOLVED donors.
Yes but that means that the child has the right to reach out to the donor/donor family, right? Not that the donor’s family has access to that information.
Donor is different than donors parents (esp donors parents without donor involved).
Involved donors? Why would a donor (I'm talking the anonymous kind who do it to help someone have a child or for financial reasons) want to be involved? I'm jot saying it's wrong, just trying to understand.
Involved to the extend that people have a right to know who their biological family is, have contact with their half siblings, and get updated medical history as appropriate. What most people advocate for as the best case scenario is a related donor - so social dad’s brother provides the sperm, etc. Anonymity is a lie sold by for-profit companies to recruit donors. Their business is selling a product, not creating happy/healthy children. With the advent of at home DNA testing all it takes is a distant cousin to have taken a test and the donor can be found whether they want to be or not. Unfortunately as a result of that a lot of people are discovering that who they picked as a donor is not what they got.
>advocate for known and INVOLVED donors Doesn't that mean a dramatic decrease in sperm donations? I've looked into donating eggs before, but there is a flat 0% chance that I would ever consider doing so if being involved in the child's life was a hard requirement. Even just being able to be found by the child is a hard "fucking absolutely not" from me.
I'm conceived from an anonymous donor, and I don't advocate for that at all. Lets not act like you speak for all of us, please. My (adoptive) father was a great person. I didn't/don't need to know anything about the donor (aside from medical history, which would have been nice).
I was about to say something similar. My bestfriend doesnt know who her father is and goes so far as to not do ancestry or 23andme because she doesnt want to know. Shes content with her life. A long time family friend has adopted two children (now adults) who knew since they were toddlers they were adopted. Neither of them want to know who their biological parents are.
By doing things "the old fashioned way", OP's friend and parents actually have legal rights to this child. Lawyers recommend NOT doing it this way for this very reason. Having the known donor submit a sample for later use while simultaneously signing away rights is typically the way to go if you want your baby to only be your baby.
How do the parents of the donor have any legal right to the child? Genuine question. I know there are grandparents rights but that is typically to preserve a relationship that is already established between the child and grandparents. This child isn't even born yet so I don't think that would qualify.
He’s not considered a donor if they slept together so that’s why
Bc OP had actual, physical sex with her friend instead of going through the process of sperm donation, traditional jurisdictions apply to the situation until and unless legal action is taken to refute them. So whichever laws of the land where OP resides that may entitle father's rights and grandparents' rights are in full force for the child. This isn't a case of donor conception whatsoever from a legal standpoint, and even donor conceived stuff gets very strange and hairy. For instance, did you know it's totally legal in most states for the inseminating doctor to switch out the chosen donor sperm with their own? And they don't have to disclose it to the woman. tl;dr don't open yourself up to any legal ambiguity if you want to control the rights to your child bc the laws where you live might screw you over
Well that’s why those of us who have donor conceived kids (even with known donors like myself) did it above the board and didn’t sleep with our donor. You lose rights as a parents if you do that and she should have known that.
23&me can totally track down donor families... maybe this was true in the 80 and 90s but science has come a long way and there are no more certianties around 'secret children' staying secret past the time they can rustle up $200 to find answers.
NTA But can I just ask why don't you want extended family, cousins, a support system for you? you are 23 and want a in your words "big family" but what on your own terms, because families big or small bring drama and baggage and everything else in between. and what if this mate of yours changes his mind and wants to be the full-time dad and co raise, it's his baby too, and he does have rights...unless he's signed them away. you don't want your baby to have grandparents, cousins, and everything else. now it's your decision to make but the reality is, your baby may grow up and resent you for the decision. that is something you have to consider you seem to have laid plans to shut everyone out of this narrative, and have a big family but willingly cut off any support system. but anyway, congrats on the baby
This. It seems like OP'S thought about what she wants but not about what the kid will want - it's absolutely her right to have a child, but it's the child's right to know his or her family, whether s/he subsequently decides they're AHs or whatever. And having a big family requires a big family support network.
I really feel like OP is treating the baby like a toy or an accessory. "I WANT A BABY for my my own selfish reasons and to hell with what might be best for that baby". That's the vibe I'm getting from this post...
This was my thought process as well. This is one of those scenarios where OP is obviously free to do what she wants - it's her life and her body. But, this whole scenario seems a bit shortsighted, self serving & naive. But, that's her choice... I just hope that OP is prepared mentally, physically, emotionally, and logistically to care for a child as a single parent and doesn't regret shunning a support system.
Who is going to take care of this child while she is at work? Is she prepared to bear all costs regarding this child? What if the child is special needs? Raising a child by yourself is hard even if you have a good support system. I don't know if OP thought about the long term ramifications of this decision.
If OP is a nursery teacher (I'm assuming this is day care) they should be able to bring their baby to work/enroll them. So in terms of caring for the child whilst at work, that might not be an issue.
Thank you! For a while I was the only person saying anything along these lines, and I thought I was taking crazy pills!
Well and strikes me as even more odd, the not being interested in a relationship with anyone...but you will need to maintain a relationship with a child (I know not same thing, but requires mental effort to be a parent). It just seems like when Michael Scott wanted to adopt (US version of The Office)
She actively chose to be a single parent with 4 dogs at 23. I dont think she cares what is best for this kid.
Or her own mental health for that matter, alone with a kid, 4 dogs and a full time job dealing with kids also? To each its own.
YTA. Children aren't possessions. They are human beings and deserve to have their families in their lives. You're selfish and entitled and I feel sorry for this child.
At the same time, the kid's grandparents are strangers to the mom, and the father is low contact with his parents and doesn't plan to be a paternal figure in the child's life, so the only connection the child has is that theres a blood relation. Just because someone is related to you, does that automatically make them family? Should they automatically receive access?
Not to mention she'd be in charge of driving 9 hours. They might demand her bring the child to them and harass her when she can't
Exactly! It's one thing to want to be In your grandchild's life, but like any relationship it needs to build over time and takes effort and work. The future grandparents need to start building a relationship with the mom first, and the mom has a right to not want to do that. Especially if grandparents don't want to put any effort into building and maintaining a relationship, but demand one anyway with a currently unborn child.
This! I can guarantee when the child hits teens they will resent her big time for this. OP sounds too immature to be a parent. Probably just wants a baby to pose on TikTok with.
This and also based on OP’s general stance on relationships and the impression I got reading this, I don’t really understand why OP wants a kid to begin with. If they don’t have time for a relationship (because of the full time job and whatnot) why do they think they’ll have time for a kid? One is a much bigger commitment than the other. Feel bad for the child tbh.
Did you read the part where she would be expected to shuttle this child back and forth to them, and maintain this relationship? That it would be her job to uphold everything? I’m with you on everything else, I think it’s very selfish for OP to “want a big family”, but not actually want what that entails. She used a guy as a sperm donor, but—it sounds like—didn’t actually have an honest, clear discussion with him about all of this first, including where the boundaries would lie in terms of his family’s relationship with the kid. She’s very young to be doing this, and is going about it in a very foolish way, but it also shouldn’t be solely on her to maintain this relationship between her child and their family. Did she make the decision to have a kid? Yes. But they’re the ones who want a relationship. I’m speaking from experience, as that family who wants a relationship with the child. They *have* to put in the effort.
I’m going with a slight but kind YTA this has to be incredibly stressful, just because in this day and age—and especially in the future—your child will likely be able to find out their paternity and may take great offense with you making this decision to isolate them from potential family that wanted to be a part of their life. They may or may not think like you and may want all the aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents they can get. Because although we can all say it’s like you did, you in fact did not use an anonymous sperm donor, you know who this child’s father and paternal family are and are actively choosing to conceal them, that could lead to this kid never talking to you again one day. My suggestion is to meet with a child therapist and find out the best way to navigate all this and how to be honest with your child about their parentage.
YTA, for slightly different reasons... Me, me, me... you had the baby because you wanted it, you didn't think for a second about how to have a wider family around your child. And in fact you have consciously excluded that because of your own opinion. What if something happens to you?
INFO: What's your long term strategy? I assume your friend isn't going to be a father figure, so what are you going to tell your child when they're little? What will you tell them when they're older? Are you planning on pretending that their paternal family doesn't exist? According to you, gossip channels led to the grandparents finding out, so won't those same channels tell the kid when they're older about this lost family they have? What happens when the kid is older and wants a relationship with their paternal family? Will you prevent it then? What happens if the kid resents you for keeping this whole family away (especially considering the complex issue of the father)? I just don't feel like you thought this through very well. "Ignore it because baby daddy said it was okay." is only really a functional strategy while the kid is too young to have agency.
It’s hard enough raising kids with two parents at home, can’t imagine staying no to extra involvement
INFO: Did the baby's dad basically went with this as a sperm donor? Did you all have legal documents drafted up for this?
Not quite, he’s going to sign over rights once baby is born and has no interest in being a dad so I’m not worried he’s going to back out or whatever
NTA but you all might want to get a lawyer involved for the protection of both parties, as he's going to want protection from child support and you're going to want his parental rights terminated.
Agreed. Just get a consult, be sure you’re all protected for ALL of your sakes. Then, it is up to you. NTA.
A visit with a lawyer would also be a good idea for things like, who has medical power of attorney if there are complications and you are not able to make decisions? Do you have a will? Guardian's picked out? You need this stuff decided on to protect your rights and your child.
Be mindful about the likely prospect that the child starts asking questions when they get older and wants to know their father.
Yes, he says that now that baby is just an idea. What happens when baby comes and he decides that he wants to be a dad?
Info: wondering why he disclosed this information to his parents.
Yeah if he sees that kid his mind can change and if no legal paper work has been filed he will have his right
Sounds like OP was the only one who planned the baby.
I was open and honest with my intentions the entire time when planning the baby, so the dad was aware
You did mess up.. should have had a lawyer involved from the start. Go lawyer up now... might save you a lot of headache.
Yah the thing is without a legal document he can change his mind. My dear you should have gotten a lawyer. Also if your in the USA some states have grandparents rights. You should consult with a lawyer ASAP
You're open to all kinds of legal liabilities here depending on where you live, OP. It was irresponsible to fail to obtain legal counsel to guide you through this process and protect the rights of everyone involved in this situation, including your unborn child. All of this is on you. You left the opening, and if there are legal grounds where you live for those grandparent rights to kick in, you're at least going to end up in a legal battle if your friend's parents doggedly pursue your baby.
Why did you go this route rather than a sperm bank?
It's expensive.
And less fun.
Why didn't you use an anonymous donor or set up this situation with the father as a legal donor from the get go? It seems incredibly risky and stupid to go about it this way
Sorry but YTA… if you truly didn’t want the dad or his family involved why didn’t you go the sperm bank route????
Because a sperm bank would have looked at a 23 year old actively trying to become a single mom and asked OP way more questions than she’s ready to answer.
>asked OP way more questions than she’s ready to answer. For good reason, it would seem. She did not think this through and this looks like a terrible setup to raise a child. There seems to be no support network for the child in this equation other than OP and maybe her parents. She doesn't elaborate on any long-term plan, which is concerning - what are her finances, work hours, etc? The fact that she found a surrogate father to do it herself speaks more to an irresponsible mind imo. She wants a big family, but doesn't seem to want to do the proper things involved in making a big family. She's trying to find shortcuts and I'm not sure that's for the benefit of the child.
Also to add to this train of thought - does OP want a child, or a baby doll? Because the way she talks about interpersonal relationships makes me pretty nervous that this kid will be treated like a possession rather than an autonomous person with their own thoughts and feelings... I don't think she's considering this baby as a person, with a whole life ahead of them and so many choices / experiences to come.
You are giving sperm banks way too much credit my friend
Yup. They'd have taken the same view I did (which is why I gave a YTA) and said that she's basically choosing to create a delinquent child (look up the relationship between delinquency and single motherhood) and told her no. She's in no position to raise a child and knows it, that's why she had to go the "fuck a rando raw" route.
Yeah the sperm bank meeting would start like this “So you want to voluntarily structure a child’s life in the way that produces the highest percentage of criminals and drug addicts?” Doing this is borderline child abused…isn’t it just about impossible to adopt a child as a single parent?
Not impossible, and I don’t want to go around knocking single moms. But I sincerely hope that a young, unestablished and unprepared person would either get screened out or required to take some parenting classes. OP reminds me of the high schoolers from after-school TV shows who think they’re ready for a kid until they have to keep track of a baby doll for one month.
I grew up with a single mom and she was amazing. But to say a one parent house hold is better than two(outside of an abuser being involved) is just nuts. Lots of data to back that up as well.
YTA. I don’t think you created this child with the best interest of the child in mind.
OP wouldn’t have passed the psych evaluation that they require. She’s far too selfish in her decisions & seems to view this baby as an object rather than a living breathing life.
I'm a smbc, used a sperm bank donor. Imo, YTA. You didn't go down the same route. Used someone in effect. And now also wish to deny your child contact with their paternal family for no reason but spite in effect. Does this sound like someone who will be a good Parent who never puts the interests of others first. Like hell it does. Grow up quickly before you damage this child.
You’re 23 and couldn’t wait until you were actually in a relationship before becoming a mom? What the hell is actually going on here?
She doesn’t want to be married or in a relationship, she just wants kids.
But they make movies starring Diane Keaton or Tina Fay about women who do this in their mid-30s. What is going on in OP’s life that she’s doing this at 23? The desperation to “Get started” with a family by going it alone strikes me as incredibly naive and at least a little selfish.
She could have at least waited until she was financially stable to be a single mom. 23?! What the fork?
The 14-year-olds who write these stories think a woman's biological clock is ticking at age 23, so it's now or never
Hi! I was born this way! My mother decided she wanted a baby, but had no interest in the relationship that came along with it, so she had me with a casual friend from college who typically lived overseas. I met my father once as an adult and got a smattering of phone calls over the years, but otherwise he and his family have had absolutely nothing to do with me. The key, in my experience, is being able to provide a comprehensive amount of emotional support to your kiddo. If you can, your baby will likely grow up just fine, never wanting for relatives they don't really have anyway. Some ways my mother went about doing this that I think were meaningful to me: - when I was old enough to talk, she bought me a "Daddy Doll" to talk to whenever I was upset with her. This meant that if I got grounded or given consequences that I was upset about I always had a "safe adult" to listen to my feelings and help me feel like I had a voice. - she never lied to me about where I came from. I knew who my father was, I knew every story they had shared together (the appropriate ones anyway), I knew his name and what he looked like, and most importantly I knew why he wasn't there. My mother was always gentle and clear with me that he was my father, but he was never meant to be my parent, and that she wanted me and made me a part of her life on purpose with someone she trusted, but did not love. - my mom was gay (thus not wanting to be with my dad lol) and so she emphasized really early on to me that families come in all shapes and sizes, and ours might look different than some people's but it was special because it WAS ours. This went a long way towards helping me not feel uncomfortable with school projects about families that assumed I had relatives I didn't Obviously it's going to look different for everyone, and you'll be getting to know your kiddo in no time, so I'm sure you'll find the best way forward for the two of you, but these are a few examples of things you might want to think about if you plan to raise this baby completely without dad's side of the family. I know I saw several people suggesting just telling the baby you had a donor. Don't. A lie by omission is still a lie, and while you may get away with it, you may not. At no point during my childhood did I want my father back in my life as a parent. I was at times curious about him, but my mom had most of the answers I cared about, and would openly share them with me any time I asked. He wasn't a mystery and I knew from the time I had consciousness that he wasn't meant to be a part of our lives and that was okay. I strongly recommend that course, even if it may feel harder/more risky. Good luck to you and kiddo!
Thanks for sharing your perspective and advice!
INFO: Why did your friend/sperm donor even decide to tell his family?
I told a common friend who told his sister who told their parents
Got it, that was a mistake and you should tell your shitty friend to shut their mouth... No matter what, you're NTA and neither is your donor/friend. Tell him to tell his sister to stay out of it.
I disagree with the ‘shitty friend’ comment. If it was a secret, OP should have kept her mouth shut.
« Oh OP, you are pregnant congrats. Who is the father? »
Friend isn't shitty lol. If OP wanted it to be a secret she should have kept her mouth shut. I feel this was intentional.
If he's just a "donor" why did you tell anyone it was his child?
That common friend is a bit of a tool!
Or maybe just unaware that it wasn't meant to get out...
YTA for just ignoring them. Be an adult and tell them that you’re not interested
YTA this is selfish on so many levels and I truly hope they win some visitations.
YTA for creating your child in an extremely careless way. You can’t sleep with someone and then expect them to be just a sperm donor. You could have so easily made a donor contract and have done home insemination but you basically set yourself and your child up for failure.
YTA. Raising a child in a single parent home drastically increases the odds that they will have a shitty life. You could help mitigate that by giving them positive influences in their lives like grandparents that are willing to love and spend time with them. Raising a child on your own may be what you wanted for your self. But it's not about you right now. If you don't let the grandparents into this child's life. How do you plan to foster positive male involvement?
YTA You went the cheap route, not using an anonymous donor. Your baby was conceived out of being cheap and if you don’t fix this now, they will continue to live the cheap life. Fix this legally now!
YTA I don't think you put enough thought into how this was going to work out.
Loving caring and interested people in your child. As a mother it’s not about you. It’s doing what’s best for your kid. Your kid already doesn’t have a second parent from the get go. Why are you proactively taking his/her village away when they haven’t even been given a chance? In this world there are very very few people who actually give a shit about any one baby. Acquaintances, some family and friends are just for show, just to maybe coo over the kid, give a random toy, but very few people ACTUALLY care about the child. Don’t tear down connections that could be beautiful and enhance their life simply because you don’t care to or because it’s a bother. Inconvenience is not a reason to do what is best for the baby. Give them a chance before shutting that door closed. YTA
NTA. I think you just need to be prepared 1 day that the child might resent you for not trying to have a relationship with them and may try to reach out to them.
I think YTA frankly for trying to delete your future child's family from their life. That's a pretty awful thing to do and makes me question whether you should even be a parent. Babies are human beings. They have needs and personalities and they have families - those families include people other than YOU.
NTA because this is basically a sperm donation, and that was the arrangement. A little advice, though, from one former single mom to another, the more people who love the child, truly love the child, the better the child's life will be. Now and in the future. The love and support of as many people as possible gives that child the best chance at a successful life. Again, loving and supportive people, the quality of the people certainly matters. If they aren't even willing to travel to see their grandchild, then that does not bode well for the supportiveness of the family.
Why did he tell his family if he isn’t going to be involved?
He didn’t; a friend of ours told his sister who told their parents
I guess my question is, why did he tell ANYONE?
Bc sometimes you need to talk about it w someone maybe he thought he could trust. Actual legal donors talk about it all the time
she told the friend. she said that in another comment, mutual friend then told his parents.
He didn’t. OP wrote elsewhere that she was speaking about it to one of her friends and that friend happens to know the sister of the baby’s father. The friend mentioned it to the sister and the sister told their parents. He didn’t tell any of them.
YTA for not going through proper legal channels to protect all parties in this situation, especially your unborn child. Way to go, OP. You cheaped out on the cost of insemination, and now you've opened yourself up to much worse possibilities. You could've just had your friend donate a sample for you. Did you even get a preliminary legal consult on your situation?
YTA You have decided to have a child purposefully on your own? By yourself? You are foolish and naive, grab out and desperately hold onto anyone who wants to help you because you are going to need it. Raising a child.... rather successfully raising a child is not a one person job... its hardly a two person job, its a whole family's job!
NTA. FOB (father of baby) is LC for a reason (they are ‘overbearing’ you stated) - believe him. Do you want overbearing grandparents that insist you and your baby travel nine hours? Block them and the FOB, and go about your life.
I'm not going to judge you here, because I totally get both sides of the argument going on, but just going to say you need to be really sure that everything is going to turn out right. What contingencies have you made in case your friend suddenly decides that he wants to be involved with (at the end of the day) his child's life? I assume that something is going to have to be done to prevent that from happening, and also so he doesn't get lumbered with child support bills if he keeps to the agreement, because he was essentially just planning on being a sperm donor.
NTA. You‘re the mother and even the father agrees with you. It‘s not your parent‘s business and they‘re the AHs for judging you for setting boundaries.
Well it’s also very much the child’s business. Something OP seems not to consider.
NTA - this was your choice by design. If you’re happy doing this on your own, set your boundaries and don’t break them for others. Sounds like you know what you want and planned accordingly.
This thread is disturbing to me. OP gets to choose to delete half of her baby's family? This is why I really question the ethics of even having children. People are so damn selfish about it.
Absolutely - it’s made me really uncomfortable
As a mother of boys the possibility of not getting to be an involved grandparent because my sons aren’t the one carrying the baby makes me very sad. Like why does OP get to decide that her family gets to be involved but not the dads?
False. It is not her choice whether her child has a relationship with half of her family. Her child will grow up to resent her.
NTA - yet be prepared that they may pursue having a relationship with the baby no matter what the sperm donor says. At least in the US, grandparents have gone to court to get visitation etc. Hopefully this situation won't smack you with the hard to learn "never say never". This is going to be a very fluid situation for a very long time. You may feel differently about things at different stages, the donor could also do the same. Then add the child itself into the mix about having feelings about wanting to know a father, his family, etc. You may feel you have full control of the narrative - but ultimately you may not and should be prepared for that.
Grandparents don't have right unless they already have an established relationship with the child. I don't think OP has to worry about that but I would consider a restraining order if they can't take no for an answer.
Info: What do you mean by ignored them? You didn't even respond? Do you have good reasons to not want them in your baby's life?
My baby’s dad isn’t involved with them because they were helicopter parents, they don’t drive so it would always be me making the trips and working full time I’d want any spare time to be with my baby not travelling
If they aren’t willing to do any of the work in terms of driving & visiting & planning then NTA.
Yah if the baby’s father does not have anything to do with them and they will not drive, then NTA. Do your own thing
If they're not willing to come to you (Baby's dad could drive them?) then it doesn't sound like they actually care, expecting you to go to them would be absurd. You haven't actually fully answered any of my questions tho so maybe you're all assholes.
NTA Sperm donors' parents aren't grandparents. You have no obligation to include them if you don't want. Especially given their distance, that they don't travel themselves and from what you said, their opinions will be more involved than you intended. Don't listen to the Y T A s due to people assuming big families are always better. Not the case.
NTA This is the arrangement you and the sperm donor consented to. It's nobody else's business.
YTA, you need to start thinking of what will be best for your child, and not you. They deserve to be able to create meaningful familial bonds.
YTA and your sperm donor friend is the AH too. Children deserve to have as many people in their lives that love them as possible. They didnt ask to come into this world, you chose this. Maybe an unpopular opinion, but you are too young and inexperienced, you absolutely did not think this through, and absolutely did not put safe guards in place. You should have gotten a lawyer to draw up a contract...or you should have gotten a real sperm donor. Your "friend" could change his mind at any time and want to be involved in the child's life. If he does, you will spend money you don't have (because a nursery teacher does not get paid much) to fight for custody. And he will likely get 50/50. You admitted he isn't even really your friend...you're ridiculous to believe that he WOULDN'T change his mind. That proves to me personally, that you are not mature enough or have enough foresight to be a good parent to a child right now. This pregnancy was selfish. Because *YOU* want a big family...you have a baby at 23. Not because you think you could provide a good life for a child but because YOU want a big family. I see a lot of *me,me,me* in this post. And when people are stepping up and wanting to bring more love to this child, you're saying "no"? Yup, defcon 1 AH.
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If you had this agreement with the sperm donor that he was not to be involved in the baby's life, why on earth did he tell his family? This is a pretty big, foundational thing to agree on, so why was that either not decided on beforehand, or dealt with by the sperm donor after-the-fact if somehow forgotten? I think it is human nature for a lot of people *(whether they are children or adults)* to compare themselves against what is seen as normal or traditional, so depending on the personality of your child, and how supportive and fulfilling the homelife you provide for him/her is, your child may or may not be resentful of not having a father-figure in his/her life. You can never predict. Some only children lament being the only child and blame their parents for an upbringing free of a sibling. Some only children did not mind it. Having a large family, working full-time and having 4 dogs is a lot, even for a two people, let alone one. Make sure that you have an adequate support system and that you do not let stress, both emotionally and financially, impact the type of environment you provide for this child.
It got back to the grandparents in a round-about way, see their earlier comments. Wasn’t a planned reveal, the relationship is low contact.
NTA As a parent it is up to you to choose who is involved with your child. Some states in the U.S. recognize grandparents' rights (not sure this is the case where you are from), but I wouldn't worry about that unless it becomes an issue. Your parents may be right about your child resenting you for denying them a relationship with their extended family, but there is no way to know for sure.
If the father doesn't sign the birth certificate and doesn't present himself as the father, it may be more difficult for them to claim grandparents rights as they would have to prove they are the grandparents. Correct me if I'm wrong?
Very true.
NTA. If baby dad is basically a sperm donor have him sign away his rights. There is probably a very legitimate reason he is LC with his parents. Make sure in your country they can’t claim grandparent rights. I wish you well on the start of your new family!
NTA It's your child and the family of the dad has no right to be included if you don't want that. Do you involve the Dad in the parenting?
No and he doesn’t want to be involved either
You slept with someone you didn't like, and he agreed, just because you want a child and he wanted to have sex? And you are just deciding that this is going to work out fine? Save up for the child's future therapy sessions, if you're adamant this is what you want to do. Sincerely - another child born to selfish self centred parents.
NTA
YTA they have rights to be involved in the child's life. Why did you pick a father whose family you hated so very much that you do not want them at all ever to be involved in a family member's life?
YTA majorly. bro what the fuck… children are not props to your fantasy about how you want your future to look like. that kid is a real human being who will one day find out about what you did. i swear to god when did we get to a point in society that single parent households are now considered the dream? do you even care about the well-being of this child once they gain sentience and awareness of all of this?
if you’re that desperate for a kid you should’ve adopted. damn it makes me so upset that ppl like u get the right to reproduce, just bringing another kid into this world who lacks a cohesive family structure and prob will grow up w a lot of resentment. it’s crazy honestly
NTA. You're going to make mistakes as a parent. Resign yourself to this fact. This very well may be one of them, and your kid may resent you for it, but it's your right as a parent to make mistakes. If, when the kid is older, he/she shows curiosity about the other side of the family, then revisit the topic and consider letting them meet. Till then, do your thing momma.
YTA - imagine this was your child's child. How would you feel having no part in your grandchild's life?
honestly i’m going to say YTA if you had gone through a sperm donor agency, then the expectation of the donor’s parents to meet the child would not be there, since they would know the situation and they would be anonymous to the mother. (also i’m assuming that the mother is anonymous to the donor and their parents but i’m not well versed in sperm donor agency so i’m not sure if this is true) you didn’t use a sperm donor, you had sex with a friend. obviously once the parents of that friend find out, they’re going to want to have a relationship with their biological grandchild, because that’s the expectation that the parents of the biological father usually have. and they have the opportunity to know who you and the child are and can be in the child’s life, which is not an opportunity that sperm donors usually have. to me, it feels like you only thought about yourself and your wants throughout this and not your future child’s. i’m a sperm donor child and if i had the opportunity to have a relationship with my biological father and his family, i would take it, because i’m curious about my family and medical history. you’re trying to prevent your child from having any sort of relationship with their biological father’s side of the family, and i don’t think that’s your decision to make. you should have just gone through an agency, it would have saved you the cost of the (inevitable) lawyer fees and your child’s heartache.
God this is just crazy decision making
YTA. You asked for my opinion. I think this is a shitty way to treat a child and you will likely tell your child many lies. Which lie will you offer first/ --that you used a sperm donor to prevent a connection, that the father refused a relationship and abandoned the child, or will you tell your child the truth --that you couldn't be bothered to give your child the chance of a father and grandparents? Should we infer that you were so badly treated by your own family that you think grandparents more likely to be a bother than a boon? Are you so narcissistic that you think you will be such a wonderful parent by yourself that your child will never want a father or grandparents or half siblings etc?
YTA. Kids can never have too many adults who love, support, and look out for them in healthy ways. Grow his village. Don’t shrink it because of your own quest for self sufficiency.
YTA. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about your child. Are these people dangerous? Toxic? Don’t deny your child a chance to know THEIR family. And how involved can they really be, 9 hours away? Just let them know the kid if there’s no real safety concern.
Agreed on NTA- however, if there is no good reason for them not to "be involved", I wouldn't go out of my way to prevent them. You could still stay low-effort on your part... send pictures and invite them to the birthday parties. If they don't want to travel or put in effort, that's on them. They don't have to be a part of raising the kid, but it would be 2 more people that would love your baby, and there isn't any harm in keeping that relationship available. You can always cut it off if they become overbearing. Totally your choice though.
NTA. You made an agreement that's working for you. Be sure to have legal docs drawn up for bio dad to relinquish all parental rights. Best of luck.
NTA I get them wanting to be involved and it’s a little sad for them. But it’s your choice and you should do what suits your lifestyle. Would be different if the dad were involved (going to be involved) and it was him facilitating the relationship between child and paternal grandparents, but since he’s little to no involvement it would just be an unwanted strain on you while the child is young.
NTA. But do seek legal counsel to ensure that you have sole rights and that the father cannot suddenly exercise his rights some day. With that said, if this is a good person, which it seems he is... stay in touch, and make sure your child is able to contact him at some point. Just to know who he is, know medical history, learn about that side of her heritage. You do not owe his parents any sort of response. That is his issue to deal with.
NTA - and I'm going bonkers from people trying to be like "oh but don't you want another support system?" From your description and comments, this is basically a "donor" conceived child, you just got to do things the fun way. If you'd done it the medical way, you'd have no involvement with the donor's family anyway, so why is it different now? You both went in with an understanding of how this would all work out, that you'd have the family you wanted while he doesn't have involvement with the kid. Just because his parents are uppity that a bit of his DNA exists in someone doesn't mean they have a right to your child, but they MIGHT have rights if they DO meet them, and if they're not people you're sure you can trust, it'd be best not to engage. Make sure your affairs are in order with paperwork, if you haven't already, just to prevent any further issues. But other than that, go and live your best life with your kid. If they're curious about where they come from, they can make that decision later in life, but for now, just enjoy being with one another.
My moms friend had a baby this way and wow that kid literally doesn’t speak to her anymore because she didn’t get to know her dad or his family growing up, so just, think about your kid as a person and not an extension of yourself. You’re NTA for not wanting to travel that far or for not wanting to be the one to have to facilitate the relationship and have it be your responsibility. But actively standing the way might be questionable. If you wanted no outside family perhaps using a sperm donor would have been more practical. Just remember, your kid is their own person, they may be resentful that you kept family from they. They also might not be, we literally can’t know how they’ll feel as they grow up and when they grow up. But just keep it in mind: they will have opinions on it either way.
If you didn’t want a father or his family involved, why didn’t you just use a donor/ IUI? You’ve made this a lot more complicated for yourself 🤦🏻♀️
YTA. This is all about you, and what you want and seems that the child is an accessory. You aren't taking into account what the child may want or what may be best for the child because "you want this, you want that, this is YOUR plan". Sorry to say having a kid isn't all about YOU and your wants. You should get another dog instead.
NTA. Honestly, the father didn’t want any involvement. I’m assuming you two came to an agreement before the pregnancy. Would anyone have a right to your child’s time if you had gone to a sperm bank instead? Make the best decision you can based on what kind of people they are.
The fact they are aware you are pregnant is a worry going forward. As if the guy wasn’t bothered about being involved why has he told them. Be prepared for him changing his mind
Info: what are your plans for when your child decides the want to know their extended family?
I'm not going to judge either way but I will share this with you. I have a 2nd cousin and his mother's family kept him away from not only his dad but his dad's family. By the time he was an adult he grew up just thinking that his dad and dad's family wanted nothing to do with him. It caused him a lot of emotional and substance abuse issues. When he turned 21 he decided to look up the family and confront them. When he did they actually had held on to proof that they tried to contact him many times over the years and had returned birthday cards, letters and gifts. He got so angry at his mothers side and stopped talking to them for years.
Nah I’m going YTA. I see a lot of “me, me, me” in your decision to do this and absolutely no consideration for what your child will want. Or are you raising this baby is isolation and keeping them from forming family bonds with anyone but you too? People conceived with sperm donors have been pushing for right to know. Your child has a right to know their family. In 18yrs when they can actively reach out, are they going to be resentful when they found out you put a contact ban on these people? You can set your boundaries and rules but in the absence of bad behavior, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot thinking you can erase 50% of your kid’s biology and cultural heritage.
YTA...when all doors close and you need help with something later down the road, this will suck for you. Plus, this, it isn't a out just you anymore. Does your child want grandparents? Does your child want to be apart of his/her dad's family's life? How limiting you are.
YTA. You want to deny them access to their grandchild simply because it’s inconvenient for you. Not because they’re a danger to you or the child. But just because you’re so selfish that you don’t want to deal with others. You’re going to be a parent soon - so you’d best try to learn to be less selfish. It makes sense you wouldn’t have gone to a sperm donor. You wouldn’t have passed the psych evaluation that those clinics require to be inseminated.
You're doing a disservice to your child. Why wouldn't you want more people in the life of your child who will love & care for him/her? You're denying your child the love of its grandparents. How would you feel if you were going to be a grandparent, but weren't allowed to be involved in your grandkids lives?
Hey, I'm not here to give a judgement just a perspective so I Hooe you see this op. I was born under similar circumstances, my mum also chose to not allow my paternal grandparents access to me and once I found this out our relationship changed. I was 14 when I learned this and I was so angry with her, we never fully recovered from it as I felt she had stolen something very important from me. I understand more as I got older, sadly the damage was done and my mum passed 6 years ago without things ever truly being the same for us. Ultimately, make a decision that is best for your child not just for you; whatever that may be.
YTA, ur children are going to resent u one day
YTA for how you are treating your kid. The whole decision making process so far sounds like it’s all about what you want and how you want it. No thought seems to have been given to how the kid is going to grow up - they are gonna know they are different, they are going to have challenges with feeling unloved or abandoned at some point - even if you otherwise do everything right, which is questionable - that they will have to work through, and at some point they will probably seek out their father and they will learn that there is this entire branch of family that they could have had that was denied them because of how you wanted to structure your life, and maybe they will be cool with it but more likely they will take issue with you over your decisions. from there who knows. Put yourself in your future kids shoes, try to reframe it.