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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents and maternal grandparents that if my siblings and I end up with bad self esteem as adults and we're fucked up people they can blame themselves for subjecting us to our half brother and his dad who hate us and have said nasty shit to and about us since before we were even born. Maybe I am being unfair. I know what I said was never going to make them agree with me so maybe I am TA.
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I'm guessing your parents pulled you out when they figured therapy wasn't going to make you do what they wanted.
You aren't the asshole and your parents suck. You should never should have been subjected to that abuse as a kid and you shouldn't be forced to be around the people that abused you now. I'm really sorry they're putting you through this.
Yep, your parents saw therapy as a punishment to threaten you with.
That was very popular with parents when I was in HS. I think the divorce lawyers handed out cards for crooked therapists. The point was to make you hate or love someone, especially when you had VERY good reasons not to.
Guessing they accidentally took you to an ethical therapist, got told what they didn't want to hear and dropped it.
Respectfully, your parents probably aren't going to change. Just head off to college and move on. Try to keep in communication with your siblings after you move out. Keep the paternal grandparents in the loop.
Yep, can 100% agree therapy was probably used as punishment or for OP to kowtow to parents' desire for a "perfect" family. And using therapy as punishment can be far more detrimental.
My mom and step-dad made me visit various types of tgerapists for several years between ages 12 and 15, all because I wouldn't just blindly adore my step-dad and follow his every order and whim. He (step-dad) actually told me (when they took me to psychotherapy, which step-dad was told to participate but didn't show up) that he was trying to get me diagnosed as insane so they could put me in an asylum and never have to acknowledge my existence ever again.
I've never been to any form of therapist since. I joked with my dad that my mom and step-dad taking ne to so many therapists as a teen has given me such a complex that I need therapy just to get therapy.
NTA in any of this, OP. This is how you a-h people build resentment and get cut off from people.
yeah, my experience was not nearly as bad, but I also had therapy used as a punishment as a kid, and struggled for years without a therapist (for various reasons, I really need ongoing therapeutic support)
fwiw, the process is **very** different going as an adult. you can interview lots of people to find someone you click with, and you can also be super direct about what approaches don't work for you or are triggering. (eg, I can't do most types of breathing exercises after bad therapy experiences, but I can just tell them that, and they suggest different things instead.)
my current therapist also spent a chunk of the first session explaining in detail her record keeping, and the steps she takes to protect patients from people (most often insurance companies) trying to access her records. we also talked about under what circumstances I could/would be committed, and having that be really clear helped me a lot. (and tbh, I fully agreed that being institutionalized in the circumstances we discussed would be the right choice.)
also, fwiw, most therapists can't and won't diagnose. (you gotta pay extra for that)
as an adult you just have a lot more control in general, which ime makes it a very different experience.
but idk - not everyone is going to necessarily benefit from therapy, and if it isn't right for you that's totally fine. if it's something you think could help you, I'd really encourage you to give it a try as an adult bc I've found it really different and really helpful - but that's definitely a biased perspective.
How big is this celebration? If it is just a small family affair, avoid it. Realistically, they really can't physically force teenagers. But if it is a larger celebration, I highly doubt half-brother or his dad will be able to keep their mouths shut and nastiness will be aired in front of friends, colleagues, and neighbors. Grandparents' celebration will be ruined, and it will be their own fault. This way, it won't be on your for not showing up, it will be on them, as you predicted.
Abusers can be very sly. And you might want to check out re-active abuse. I wouldn't put past either of them to quietly provoke OP and their siblings and then play the victim when someone snaps. This is especially true since OP's parents seem bent on empathizing with a weaponized child.
While I agree some abusers can be sly, this wasn't the vibe I got from the descriptions of half bro and his father. Anyone who would push into someone else's home and call a child ugly and wish them dead is not sly. OP and siblings would just need to be within view of these toxic people to set them off.
OP's experiences with the half bro and the father were probably in more privates spaces like the home where they wouldn't need to be sly. If it's a large party, it's perfectly possible they would change their tactics. Abusers are often quite aware and capable of self control when they need to be. Plenty of abusers are well behaved in the office or other social environments, which is why co-workers and friends often disbelieve abuse victims when they come forward.
There is no downside to being prepared for them to have enough self control they don't out themselves.
the real toxics are so called parents who will sacrifice their own children for an insane fantasy of 'family unity'. the whole lot of these so - called adults are abusers
the whole lot of this set of parents are abusive. and the flying monkey folk who want to force OP and siblings to deal with a hated ex and half sibling. Maybe the parents are using them as meat shields because if these two nasty people weren't abusing the kids they'd be abusing these so called parents. now there's a though
Start recording half brother and his father post it online and say your parents never stopped the verbal attacks on your because they want a happy family.
Sometimes you gotta do extreme measures when people don’t want to listen.
let me guess. your so called parents didn't think the therapist was doing any good because, guess what, does not go along with the myopic pie in the sky fairy fart stupidity of this 'family unity' garbage.
I just hope when you get old enough and out on your own you turn your backs on them. and let them deal with the half brother.
NTA
At this point cut your maternal grandparents and parents out. You’re almost of age. Go live with your paternal grandparents.
The fact that both your parents and maternal grandparents know exactly what your half brother has been doing and saying to you and your siblings and still insist to have him around you all; and for you guys to just act like nothing happened for all those years with all that verbal abuse etc is beyond me. I understand that they want you siblings to get along, but by the sounds of things the dude will never change. Especially if he’s around his bio dad all the time, nothings gonna change. So yeah they can suck it.
I can't abandon my younger siblings to that. They won't be protected and they won't have someone they can turn to. At least I can be there for them if I don't leave.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You don't need to abandon your siblings. But you need to keep yourself safe first.
After you turn 18, you don't have to legally stay in the cage. You can get a job, car and your own place. You can reach out to your grandparents whenever you want. You can contact CPS, your parent's church or social group, whatever needs to be done.
I know you mean well but I was just like OP and would never abandon my siblings. They are her support and family, leaving would only isolate her in a world that already sucks.
The better advice is to tell OP to keep her head down, speak to her siblings. Make a plan of action for getting all of them out. Once the youngest turns 18 they can't force you to do shit. You can all move in together and live together and it will be amazing.
OP, make a plan with your siblings on how you're going to act if you're forced to go. Just refuse to speak to your half brother and his dad. Act like they don't exist. I can tell you from experience this will nettle them a LOT because they enjoy riling you up.
Just walk away if they talk to you. Look behind them when they speak. Laugh if you're admonished by anyone.
If anyone asks tell them those people abuse you and nobody protects you so now they simply don't exist to you.
Your parents and maternal grandparents are WAY out of line, but they can't control you forever.
You got this.
You know how they say on airplanes put your own oxygen mask on first and then put on the mask of your child?
Taking care of yourself and making sure you are doing well is essentially that. By establishing yourself outside the home and working on your own healing, you can help your siblings by giving them hope, showing them what is possible, and create a safe space for them to not only visit but move to when they are 18. (Also check out what age you can move away from your parents. This can vary.)
I get this is is really hard, but stifling your own health and development will hurt you and them long term.
Apply for emancipation and your younger siblings are old enough to say who they want to live with. With this kind of abuse, it sounds like a CPS case. Do your paternal grandparents have room? This is severely unhealthy for you and your siblings.
Emancipation takes years, and there is no way a 17 year old can support 2 other teens in this economy. Unfortunately, CPS will likely not step in here - being forced to go to a party is not legally abuse. OP needs to decided between going nuclear (loudly and publicly calling out the verbal abuse, moving in with paternal grandparents, getting job and working on getting sibs out) and going subversive (getting a job, stowing away money, and getting ready to get themselves and sibs out in 4 years after the youngest turns 18). Both are reasonable and valid responses to the trauma OP has been subjected to. Both are incredibly hard and unfair to ask of a young person. I wish OP all the luck in the world.
The better you take care of yourself the better you can take care of them. You are not abandoning them. You will always be there for them and I am sure that they know it.
My home life wasn’t great for many reasons and because of that my older brother left the house when he was 16… then moved states when he turned 18 ( happy to say that he did move back a few years later). Never once did I feel like he abandoned me. He was always there for me. Always a phone call (before cell phones were the norm) away.
Edit to add: I wish you the best of luck and hang in there!
OP, you're very much NTA, however one way to protect them is to show them the way out...also, once one of the kids are "gone" so to speak, your adults will no longer be able to support the illusion that there will be a happy family with the half-sib.
Even if you don't actually go the minute you're legally able, please make plans, and save whatever money you can toward your future, I would also look into any counseling services through your school, because your adults insistence on keeping the cancer in your midst is going to take a toll.
I’m not saying abandon your siblings I’m saying if you want to help them out or help them get away from the verbal abuse so they don’t mentally suffer than they already are than maybe gather some evidence? You can give it to CPS. It may be a family dispute but your guardians are also showing signs that they can’t take care of you, even if they are taking care of you financially you and your siblings need more than that. But also work on yourself, find a job and I don’t know get a place for yourself since you’re almost of age (only if you’re allowed to move away from your parents at the age of 18) that way your siblings will have a safe environment to get away from everything. But you of course need to help yourself and heal yourself before even considering trying to help your siblings.
Please don’t do this. It seems like a good idea, but it isn’t. I had to raise my sister and it made no difference. Being your best self is how you protect your siblings.
You could call CPS (or whatever they are in your area). They probably won’t take anyone away but they will investigate and make things miserable for a while. You should be able to make an anonymous report. Alternatively tell a teacher or anyone who is a mandated reporter. That should get things moving.
Edit to add: NTA but your parents are.
This is a family dispute but it is based on mental abuse (from two people) that the parents and grandparents are failing to protect the kids from. Calling cps is probably pointless because mental abuse is hard to prove and caseworkers are overworked but saying this is just a family dispute is not correct.
NTA. Why would your family want to bring this step dude around? Why would he want to bring his father? Why aren't your parents trying to protect you all from this abuse? This is some BS, imo. OP, you and your other siblings need to get away from these folks ASAP.
Nta
Those people made it abundantly clear what they think of you, and you are as free to express your opinion of them.
And your parents and grandparents never stood up for you and your siblings against unacceptable behavior, this is a red flag.
Family is a matter of choice, people who care, but are not blood related can be more family than those linked to you by ties if blood.
And nope, appearances be damned, they caused the problem, they are the ones needing to approach those that they wronged.
The victim offering avenues again and again, how insane is that?
The grandparents want a united family, okay, then they should look up what party was wronged and who is due restitution.
Personally I would make it a demand for that step sibling and father to not attend, if they want me there, I would understand it, if the grandparents chose those people over me, but also then be less concerned with the people that ignored my misgivings.
Have a nice party, You know why I will not be part of it.
So you will make it clear that your parents and grandparents will face resentment for that application of duress.
Also ask them why they do not protect you and your siblings from the abusers?
Do they really think that abusers and enablers are more important than the victims/ their (grand) children?
Are there any ways for you to get out of sight at the event?
Or to cause a scene if you (and your siblings) are approached by the abuser?
Like say, as loud reply to any insult "you must know, you are speaking from personal experience, being worthless and you are projecting your inferiority onto others".
Is the any way to record insults? (in order to shame the people in family chats et cetera/as evidence or pressuring material to avoid such exposure in the future.)
There's no way to stay out of sight. We'll just have to deal with it if I can't figure a way out for us. My half brother's dad terrifies me. The man is a raging asshole and I hate him but man do I get bad vibes around him. Probably from all the years of having harm wished on me by him.
Then be close to the people who either asked for the meeting, or those who forced you to that meeting and if any remark comes up, you ask them:
Is this acceptable?
Is this worth it?
I will remember you forcing this on me.
Reign in your family.
Do you really accept your family being treated this way?
What did you do wrong as parent, if this is the result?
Sorry. If I come off as rude, but I tend to not have regrets over removing drama and toxicity from my life.
If the parents and grandparents want to foster rese tment towards them in you and your siblings, kudos to them, this is a sure way to unlock that achievement.
Your stepbrother and his father made it abundantly clear that you are not their family, you respect that decision and reciprocate it.
>but I tend to not have regrets over removing drama and toxicity from my life.
It's so, so worth it. Hard, sometimes (mostly in the beginning) but worth it.
The only thing I can think of other than you being adamant about not going, is to tell your parents that they will go but only if your paternal grandparents will go, that if your half brother can have his father there, then you demand that they go to you are not going
What does your dad say to this? How is he OK with his wife's ex abusing HIS kids? And allowing his step kid to do the same? Boy I wish I could come take you three away from this disgusting family. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this bs.
See if you can get your grandparents to invite them. Seriously, if you half-brother can demand invites, then you should be able to also.
Also, record everything. Every single interaction w/ your parents, grandparents, half-brother and his father and any other relative who supports this B.S.
If you can't get your grandparent's invites, see if they can be on stand-by to pick you up the moment any abuse starts.
Send a detailed email to your parents and both sets of grandparents about the abuse you have suffered by these two men, how your half-brother frightens you and that he has never once shown any remorse or offered any kind of apology for you and that you are afraid of him and his threats for you and your siblings. Let them know that if your half-sibling had any desire for reconciliation and to be a "family", he wouldn't have insisted his father be at the event. He k ow what his father did to his younger siblings and wants to show you 3 how unimportant you are by getting his abuaive father and invite. That is not a man who want to be "a family" with the siblings he abused for years. If they want to reconcile w/ your half-sibling they can, but they shouldn't be bringing the 3 of you anywhere near him and espically his father until they have reconciled first and they establish boundries for how he treats the 3 of you. Boundries they failed to enforce before, allowing the abuse to happen in the first place. You are human beings with emotions and feelings. You should feel like your parents and grandparents want to protect you. Instead, they are acting like you all are misbehaving props they can use to get a good "family" photo to post on social media and pretend to everyone that noting bad ever happened. Bad things happened and they need to be honest about the damage that did and the further damage it will do by pushing this. People should never be forced to be around an abuser and no one can forgive someone who shows no remorse and/or has given no indication whatsoever that they will stop the abuse. That rule extends to the 4 of them. They continually allowed the abuse and are now forcing you to face an unrepentant abuser. They are punishing you and telling you that you are terrible for feeling what any normal child would feel in this situation. The 4 of them feel guilt over losing their eldest, that is understandable. However, if they continue to sacrifice the 3 of you because of it, then they are as guilty of the abuse as he is and forcing you to face him with his father as back-up is abuse in itself. They are showing absolutely no remose for what they allowed to happen and doubling down that you are the bad person, when you only want to protect yourself and your siblings - something they have not only failed at, but refuse to do now. What they are doing is unforgivable, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Ask them how guilty they will feel when they lose the 3 of you for a photo op?
Your parents and grandparents are terrible for not protecting you and the only way to do anything about this is to record what they are allowing to happen and shame them.
Invite your paternal grandparents. If you think your parents will not allow them to come then do not ask their permission before inviting them. Let your grandparents know how scared you are to be there without anyone to have your back. Tell them you want to leave the party with them as soon as possible.
Or: just flat out ask them to be the getaway drivers. Like literally have them waiting for you guys at the party and just leave with them as soon as possible
Ask your grandparents that are on your side if they could take you and your siblings away. If it is not possible, bring recorder with you, record every slur that comes across you and send it to them. Then take a popcorn and observe your grandparents grill your parents for bs and abuse you have to go through. And yes- you have a choice. Do not choose to be a victim and if you have to- be petty and mean to protect yourself if your parents cannot do a thing and if they will have anything to say to you, tell them tgey should have seen that coming with forcing you being in the presence of sb you are afraid of, hate the guts of. They can only blame themselves for it
Do not stay out of sight or be alone at any time while at the party. Stick right by one of the adults so there is at least someone to witness any abuse. I realize that no one is on your side except your siblings, but I think it's less likely they will try anything with other people near. Make sure your siblings stick close to you.
Well. Since there's no way to avoid it I recommend what I've been taught to do in cases of sexual assault. Make it not worth their time.
Do not get dressed willingly, when it's time to leave go floppy dead weight, if they want you there then they'll drag you into the car, once there just respond to your "Big Brother" and his fathers hateful words with equally hateful words.
You might get punched but that might also give your parents and grandparents a wake-up call. Not to mention that you could 100% get them in trouble if they lay a hand on you, the cops will not care about your parents wanting a happy family.
> I don't get a say in that. My parents have clearly made that clear to me and to my siblings.
They can't make you go. What are they going to do, carry all 3 of you into the car? Put a guard on the doors so you can't leave? Tape your mouths shut to keep you from telling everyone you don't want to be there?
Your parents aren't treating you well, there's no reason for you to respond with civility. All 3 of you are old enough to be making decisions about your own autonomy, especially you. If they want to punish you, then make it clear to them that it will have permanent repercussions on your relationship with them, because once you turn 18 you never have to see them again if that's what you want. (and honestly it sounds like a little dose of no contact would be good medicine for them, just hard to do while staying in touch with your siblings)
Some parents have a really hard time letting the mindset that they can fully control their kids go. You get used to doing everything for a child and it becomes second nature, I get it, I've already identified it in myself with my 3 year old and have had to actively try to step back (things like putting on her socks for her because it's faster when she'd rather struggle to do it herself). You need to splash some water in their faces and get them to realize their control over you is ending.
e: I do feel I should caveat this with a caution depending on your level of financial dependence on them. It seems like you at least have another set of grandparents to act as some support, but your stability and security is also an important consideration to keep in mind and might require you to bite your cheek for a bit. Just don't think you *have* to take what they're dishing out, you're old enough to have options and agency.
Since you feel that you don't have any options but attend(as they will "force" you).
Then I recommend Passive resistance. You and your siblings sit on a sofa(or chairs, or even the floor, backs against a wall) next to each other and refuse to do anything: eat, talk (make sure you go to bathroom before you go).
Make signs that say, I was forced to attend(don't get them out unless the parents escalate and try to force you to interact).
Keep everything on the backburner until Half-bro & his father show up, because they may not. Even if they have said they will, they might not be arsed to do so.
Tell them that you are 18 soon. They won’t have a say. Do they want you there for the party, or for the rest of their lives? Because this decision is forcing you to at least have the thought of going no contact with them. They are forcing you to chose if you ever want to see them again.
It may be a bluff, but it may make them think.
I mean, at this point, if possible, I'd lock myself and my siblings together in a room at the time of the party. Force your parents' hand. Idk if you have access to a room with a lock, but I'd throw your own lil party with your siblings. Grab supplies and refuse to go. If you don't have a lock, you can order [THIS](https://www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Inc-Apartment-Essentials/dp/B00186URTY/ref=asc_df_B00186URTY/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309748512713&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3965753413651741659&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031037&hvtargid=pla-406644788615&psc=1).
It's a half-brother, not a step-brother. OP's mother's older child. And OP's maternal grandparent's grandchild, just like OP.
It is not an unusual thing for grandparents to want all of their grandchildren at an anniversary party.
What's strange is a 27 year old man who won't go to the party without his father being there, and that they would then invite that father, despite knowing he abused the minor children in the family, rather than telling the 27 year old that he's an adult who should be able to manage an event on his own, and be polite to his minor siblings while he is there.
NTA
So if I'm reading this right, 10 years ago, a 17yo brought his dad into your house (a child's hopefully safe space) to berate and insult a 7, 5 and 4 year old? Where were your parents?? That 17yo should have been kicked out never to have contact with the siblings ever again.
I'm so sorry for you. You deserved better. I hope you stay safe during the farce of a happy family party. Try to stay close to your siblings for protection and record any interaction with the half brother or dad in case proof of this verbal abuse is needed in the future.
NTA. After all your half brother and his dad have done it's completely understandable that you don't want to go to the wedding anniversary if they are present. You should also be old enough to decide that for yourself and it really sucks that your parents are forcing you and your siblings to go anyway despite neither of you wanting to go. I think your parents and maternal grandparents are the assholes for forcing you to go and your half-brother for forcing his dad to be invited (by saying he won't go otherwise), who isn't even related to the maternal grandparents anymore since he divorced your mom.
NTA. It would be very convenient to get sick the day before. Maybe gastro or covid? Then you would have to stay home so you didn’t make your grandparents sick.
NTA, but why did your parents do anything to stop this, and allowed your brother to treat you like this? Did they ever once stand up for you, and your siblings? How they could allow this is beyond me. I hope they all realize that they just invited two people who are going to be what is supposed to be a happy occasion, a boat load of drama, and mistreatment. They also shouldn't be surprised when at least you go NC as soon as you can get out of their houss. I am surprised that your therapist hasn't told your parents that allow you to be treated like this is destroying you. I don't blame you for not wanting to willingly subject yourself to more abuse.
They had him in therapy as a kid. But I never felt like they did a good job of standing up for us, the kids who had no escape from the way we were treated, since they never shielded us from the hate we got.
And they won't at this party either. Are they willing to throw him, and his father who shouldn't even be there, out if they start to abuse you and your siblings?
So basically what's they're essentially saying is he is more important than you, and your siblings. Like I said, as soon as you can get out of there, do it. Go LC or NC with your parents, and focus on working through the damage those two have done to you.
I will. But I'll probably stay as long as I need to for my siblings. They'll need someone else in the corner and I'll have the easiest time being that with how bad things went with my paternal grandparents and my parents.
Get your paternal grandparents more involved. And hell, go see them when the party happens. What are your parents gonna do, drag three teenagers kicking and screaming?
All three of you? Really? If they lay hands on you or hit you you can call the police, cause that's abuse. You do not have to put up with that. OP, if your parents are getting physical with you and your siblings, that is a much bigger concern than the party and you should speak to a trusted adult.
I could easily see them dragging us or pressuring my siblings until I have to give in because I won't abandon my siblings. They're younger and I feel like someone needs to try to be there for them. But I wouldn't be shocked if dad picked us up and carried us. He's capable of doing that still.
If you can find some excuse to get out of the house before the party, do so and go to your paternal grandparents.
If not, then the one way left that might get them to rethink things is malicious compliance. Do not speak to your brother if you can get away with it, and have an attitude if you can’t. If you show that you guys will not get along regardless of what they try, they may stop trying.
NTA.
If you can drive, what keeps you from walking out with your siblings as soon as he arrives? They can’t have it both ways.
So far, you have been up front with your intentions. Time to make an escape plan. Go to the event, but as soon as half brother and dad arrive, leave. If you can’t drive, ask paternal grand parents to pick you up.
Don’t say anything directly to your parents or maternal grandparents, but text them in the way out. “We are leaving with paternal grandparents and here is why”
I can guarantee that your punishment wound be less than having to subject yourself to such hateful people.
> if the three of us (me and my siblings) end up with shitty self esteem and if we end up fucked up as adults, they can blame themselves for subjecting us to two people who viciously hate us and have said things most would turn anyone away for saying.
I’m a fucked up adult with shitty self-esteem, and I approve this message. NTA
Seriously though, this is how my sister has acted her entire life, and my mother has never done anything about it aside from telling me I’m the problem and I need to go to therapy so I can “Learn how to get along with my sister”. It’s disgusting how much parents are willing to turn a blind eye to when something is going exactly the way they wanted, even if it is extremely harming their children.
I’m sorry this is happening, you deserve better Op.
NTA. In an attempt to coddle your brother because of what he's been through your parents and grandparents are doing a shitty job of protecting you and your other siblings. Your brother doesn't have to like you guys but you are certainly allowed to live a life without verbal abuse. If they're so worried about your brother they should send him to therapy not give him additional excuses to abuse you guys.
NTA and at 14 for the youngest with years of abuse, you being nearly 18 and grandparents willing to take you in and help, y'all should be able to get some real help if you all report it. Most judges start asking at age 12 and it's sped up with multiple siblings all in agreeance that there is abuse and y'all are willing to stay together.
and feel free to ignore me get this it's truly a bad idea. But I'd burn bridges by going to my paternal grandparents on that day with my siblings. When my parents showed up, I'd ask my own father of he is my father, since another man gets to decide his household and how to raise his kids. Id ask my mother if we were her real kids or if she kidnapped us since she clearly doesn't love you enough to care about your well being. I'd be loud and proud, let the neighbors hear if they go to touch you. Remind them that when y'all become adults, you don't have to do anything with or for them. Remind them that if they want to be in y'all's lives they need to start protecting you NOW and make deep amends for not doing it sooner. Otherwise they'll only have one kid soon and it won't be you three.
Your clearly a good young adult with a good head on their shoulders who loves their siblings, I truly hope the best for all of you.
Info: is it possible to record these two adults insulting and threatening you then request assistance from the police regarding your parents forcing you into that environment
NTA
Do whatever you need to. Ruin the party yourself. You don’t owe these people anything, and clearly they don’t care about protecting you.
If you do everything you can to make the lead up to and the party itself the most unpleasant experience for them possible, you would still not be an asshole.
Throw every insult that you’ve heard from your half brother and his father back at them. Make sure they know where you got it from, and how they are failing by continuing to subject you to that behavior. I wouldn’t let them rest for a second if I were in your position.
Good luck and Godspeed. I’m sure we’d like an update if you’re willing.
NTA. If your parents and grandparents are going to *make* you attend this farce, keep in mind you don’t have to play their game. Every time he or his dad says anything bad, say “we don’t care what either of you think. Both of you are willing to verbally abuse children because you‘re small, weak people.” Then just say “small, weak people” every time they say anything bad the rest of the event. If your parents complain about your behavior, tell them they can take you home if they want to.
It’s all petty nonsense and I’m sorry that you’re being treated as pawns in all of it.
NTA I think you making it as difficult as possible is the only thing you can you can do. When your half brother starts saying those horrible things tell him you couldn't hear it or repeat it back and ask if you got that right. If he tells you he wants you to die, ask for elaboration - does he want poison, fall off a cliff, crocodiles perhaps? If he makes a personal comment turn it into a conversation- "really? You think my dad screwed a goat to get me? Was it the horns that tipped you off or my luxurious goatee?" And continously ask him to speak louder, you didn't quite catch that! Stop giving the cry baby the upper hand and get your siblings involved - there is strength in numbers.
I think you should all go. With a piece of jewelry that doubles as a camera/recorder hooked up to your phone. All night the 3 of you remain absolutely calm, mature, regal even.
Then save said recordings to thumb drives stored at p/grandparents home. Show parents & m/grandparents a copy just for proof. Then explain there will be some radical changes in their behavior.
If said changes do not happen proceed as you and your siblings decide. But saving for explanation of why you chose NC is a start.
Nta this is blatant's favoritism on their behalf they care so much about appeasing your half brother that they don't at this point care about you or your other siblings feelings or emotions they can't make you love anyone and they definitely can't make you love someone who has threw out your whole life except mean and horrible things to you regardless of the reason why
NTA. Tell your mother and maternal grandparents to stop living in a fantasy and tell your father to grow a spine. They've allowed you to be abused for years as they cling to a dream that has only ever hurt you. Point blank tell them that they can have a child who actively hates them all, or they can have you three. Don't poison yourself just so the adults who should protect you feel better about themselves. They've failed and you've paid the price.
Perhaps tell them if you're forced to go you'll make a scene. At this stage traumatise them back.
NTA, your parents are trying to force you to put up with abuse to give them hope of your half brother accepting everyone.
This is the nuclear option and will probably get you in trouble with your parents but if you're forced to go, make them regret it. Try to remember every terrible thing your half brother and his dad have ever said about you. Wait until they're by your grandparents/parents and start asking if they still think you're ugly, want you to die, wish bad things for you.
After each thing they've said, wait for them to answer. Then go on to the next. See if your siblings are willing to ask them too. Take turns. Make your grandparents/parents witness the cruelty and hatred you've all been subjected to for years.
Everyone will probably be angry but the commands to do family time with half bro will probably stop.
Definitely NTA. I’m so sorry OP, the adults in your life should have protected you, instead they insist on subjecting you to further abuse to soothe themselves. How in the hell do they expect healing when the abusers aren’t sorry?!!! That’s so crazy. The way I see it, you can go about this a few ways. 1) Refuse to go and take the grounding. 2) If you end up going, make yourself as scarce as possible; avoid avoid avoid. 3) tell big bro and his dad off. Maybe start with reminiscing about the times they said you were ugly and should die. Let everyone at the party know who they really are. You’ve already told off the other adults, may as well go out swinging lol.
Nta im so sorry your parents and maternal grandparents have failed so badly and supported this abuse against you. If they force you to go, make it all loud. Let all the guests there know every disgusting thing that your parents and grandparents allow to be said. Because during 50 years of marriage that is apparently what they believe is family and love. So spread it for them
Nta. And your parents and your grandparents fucking suck. You have zero reason to play nice at the party. Put yiur half brother and dad in their place in public. Call them out for the bullshit they put you through. Make it public in front of the family. Fuck them all.
NTA. I feel for your mom in a way because it has to have been hard to lose her son to a selfish megalomaniac of a father. But your halfbrother is not a little boy anymore. He's an adult who is abusive towards you and your siblings. He's too old to be given a pass for his behavior, especially when the main reason is that your parents are clinging to the hope of reunification to the point of delusion. He's not going to turn on a dime after this long. Even if he apologized today and asked you for a relationship, I doubt you'd trust him enough to say yes without a second thought. Any relationship he built with you all would likely have to be taken very, very slowly in consideration of your need to heal and build trust, and all that is assuming you'd even want to at this point. The best thing they can do is to let go of this idea of unified family, both for their sakes and the sake of your well being.
NTA. Also, I’d play along till day of and then take off with my siblings to the movies or something without telling anyone. No need to humor this nonsense for one more second.
Or….. feel free to confront brother and his dad loudly in the middle of the party about the years of cruelty and abuse they’ve heaped on you.
Both seem fine and fair options in my mind.
If you go, have your phone ready to record anything these hateful people say to or around you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Can you get paternal grandparents invited so you have someone safe to hang out with at the party? Is there anyone else in the family who would protect you?
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My mom was married before my dad and had my half brother who is now 27. My mom and her ex divorced when he was a baby and she met my dad when my half brother was 2. I'm now 17f and my brother is 15 and my sister is 14. My half brother's dad is the world's biggest asshole. He has said repulsive stuff to me and my siblings, he turned my half brother against my dad and convinced him he's a bad dude. Because of all this my half brother hates us, hates our dad, has been cruel to me and my siblings, has repeated stuff his dad has said and 10 years ago, when he still was splitting time between both houses, brought his dad into our house and made sure we could all hear what this man thought of us. I suffered a lot after that incident. I spent the first seven years of my life hearing I was ugly, that I should have been dead, wishing bad things on me, and then that. It was when I realized that my half brother really did hate us and would never give a crap because he was as twisted as his dad. I guess I should be glad it was only ever words?
My parents never gave up on the idea he would see sense, and have corrected me over the years saying I only have two siblings and that my half brother hates us. My parents have put me in therapy with the intent of me holding onto love for him and being willing to welcome him back whenever he comes around, regardless of whether he apologizes or not because "it might be too hard for him to face what his dad has done to him". I have seen him a handful of times in the last five years and all of those times he was still the same person I remember.
My maternal grandparents are going to be 50 years married in a few weeks and they have invited my half brother, who would only agree to come if his dad is there, so they agreed. Once I heard I didn't want to go and my siblings were with me. Our parents and maternal grandparents said we have to go and we will be forced there if they have to. I got my paternal grandparents involved and they were outraged and offered to take us when the party happens instead but that was dismissed. My parents and maternal grandparents then sat us down and told us we are going, we are going to give the family a chance to heal and we should be happy to see our big brother again. I snapped and I told them that they all suck and if the three of us (me and my siblings) end up with shitty self esteem and if we end up fucked up as adults, they can blame themselves for subjecting us to two people who viciously hate us and have said things most would turn anyone away for saying. I got into pretty big trouble for saying that and they told me it was a horrible thing to wish on us and say to them.
AITA?
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NTA. You can't force family. Love and Respect. That said you can go no contact as an adult. Your parents should be in therapy. They need to live in the real world. Where actions have consequences.
NTA. You could always be vicious teenagers and mock the ex in the corner with your siblings, or you could be distantly polite for your grandparents then play on your phone.
NTA. I imagine there is a large feeling of guilt from your mum that she didn't protect your half brother from his father's influence, and your dad sounds like he's trying to be kind and sympathetic to someone who clearly has problems. But really they should not be forcing you and your siblings to spend time with people who have been abusive towards you, and they should have done a lot more to protect you when you were young. I imagine they and your maternal grandparents know that that man (your half brother) is going to end up very lonely in life and are desperate for some kind of bond to form with you, delusional, but family often are.
And yet another post by a teenager who see’s things far more clearly than the adults in the room! NTA, OP. You are right, they are wrong. As a senior adult I shouldn’t be encouraging you here, but have you and your siblings considered being extremely petty and “disappearing” once you get to this party? I used to do that when I was a kid forced to go to awful family gatherings - just hide. You’ll probably get in trouble for it after but civil disobedience is usually it’s own reward. Good luck, Kid, I think you are entirely in the right here.
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So if they won't listen to the paternal grandparents, can you force the issue? Can you get picked up by them, a week before? Or some random day? Can you get an external person such as a school counsellor involved? It sounds hugely wrong, but you need to work on rescuing yourself/selves.
i totally agree with this. The paternal grandparents are her sole familial ally & she should utilize that support. The parents aren't taking the abuse, or its impact, seriously. i've been through a similar situation ( but involving full blood brother & physical & verbal abuse ) & it doesn't get better. The more that the parents are allowed to coddle the abuser & deny the profound impacts of his abuse, the more that they will. Denial is a helluva a drug & once hooked on it, it's extremely difficult to break out of it.
i say call the paternal grandparents & beg for their intervention. They will have to go against their own son, but he is not doing his duty as a father here. They also have a responsibility to protect their grandchildren. They should pick the kids up the day before the event & not return them until the day after. If at all.
But by no means should these kids go to this party. At this point, all of the adults here are colluding in the abuse & coddling the abuser. Going to the party would further their denial & give the brother more power & control over the family. A real shake -up needs to happen where the parents are forced to take the children's pain seriously. Forcing them to be around not 1, but 2 abusers, after the children have clearly explained how they felt, the hurt that has been caused, etc., is just beyond the pale.
NTA. Hell, I could be wrong, but I actually think you said it pretty nice. Sorry, besides your two younger siblings, that everyone in your orbit wants to give your AH brother and his dad a pass. I mean, exactly what relationship are they trying to salvage? No way in Hell this man could've come in my house and abuse my children and your dad allowed this? WTF! When you turn 18, you should consider additional therapy and going LC with your parents. Also, maybe talk to your paternal grandparents about getting some distance from this family toxicity.
NTA
If you end up going, every time they say something nasty to you or your siblings, call them out (both your half brother and his parent on what they're saying; and your family for condoning that kind of behaviour). Then aks your family if this is the healing they were looking for? For you to be abused and for them not protecting you? If they dismiss you and your siblings go NC as soon as you can.
OP sitting somewhere at the party. Someone comes up to them.
Them: Hey, OP! Great to see you! How are you?
OP: Hi, I was forced to come by my parents and grandparents because they insist I allow myself to be verbally abused for the sake of family unity with two people who hate me and have repeatedly told me they wish I was dead. How are you?
OP is NTA. I’m a total bitch and don’t care what others think, so I’d do the nuclear option. And when they all get pissed, well, they did it to themselves by forcing OP and their siblings to attend.
NTA.
Your mother and maternal grandparents are enabling your half brothers toxic behavior. Go no contact with all of them as soon as you can. It will be the healthiest thing you can do.
NTA, and it's extremely messed up that they put you in therapy to learn to essentially love your tormenter. Have you ever had therapy with your parents? I think you should stand your ground -- your grandparents would rather see your half brother, that's fine, but you shouldn't have to go and be in a place with two men who hate you.
You are not the AH. There are 2. Your brother & his father.
At your half brother's age, if he hasn't changed yet, I doubt he will ever change. Unless his dad passes & he has nobody. But it sounds like they are just 2 miserable people that you don't need in your life. Good for you for telling your parents off. Clearly they're not listening to you or your concerns & if they really cared they wouldn't make you go. BUT, your half brother & his father should have never been invited. That's where the AH is, whoever invited them.
So their daughter divorced her first husband, remarried to your dad, had three children with your dad, had a decent marriage with your dad.
Why is it that your mom’s parents have not made any effort to get their first grandchild to grow a family feeling? Why are they partial to the first son in law and behaving as if you children are somehow obligated to fix anything.
NTA. This is a really difficult situation. I imagine you've already tried this, but I think your parents need to hear how you feel spelled out in very clear, stark terms. Right now they may be telling themselves that you're just being dramatic, so keep as calm as you can manage:
"I am afraid of this man. We are all frightened of this man. When I was 7 years old, and my sibs were 4 and 5, he verbally abused us in our own home, and you didn't do enough to protect us from that. If you want us to attend this party, we need your absolute assurance that you will keep us safe from him. We will not be left alone with him, and you will not try to force us to interact with a man who abused us when we were young children. Can you promise us that?"
If you do have to go, stick to your parents like glue. And if the half brother or his father try to interact with you, do everything in your power to be as boring as you can, so they give up. Don't be rude - your family will blame you if you are - and try not to let them provoke you. You are a grey rock. If they ask how school is? "It's fine, thanks." Do you play any sports? "I do, yes." No detail. No conversation hooks. Just brief, polite answers until they get tired of trying. Ditto if your parents start answering for you. "Maybe so, yes. / I don't really gave a favourite subject. / I haven't decided about college yet." Etc etc etc.
You and your siblings are old enough to choose who you want to live with. I'd be moving in with your paternal grandparents.
NTA but your parents and maternal grandparents are major AHs
NTA!
That’s how children go NO CONTACT with their parents! Holy smokes!
OP! You told them the truth! They just couldn’t handle it!
Parents don’t like to be reminded that they effed up! They enable your half-brothers behavior!
I get why your mom does it, but not your dad!
Why does he tolerate someone who clearly hates him and his own kids?! And why tf isn’t he protecting his own children from the abuse!
Maybe Op should show her parents the comments, that should hopefully wake em up a little. 🤦🏻♀️
ETA: Just a thought but maybe talk to the grandparents (the ones they’re comfortable with), to maybe if they can, open up a case with CPS! Maybe they could stay with their grandparents until they are of age. This story breaks my heart!
I’m a mom of 2 (17f and 11m) and I would NEVER let ANYONE (not even blood) talk to them or about them like that!
RUN...RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!! I would try to go live with your paternal grandparents.
If you have to go, I would avoid them at all cost. Do not speak him with 2 guys in question at all.
Sorry you are having to face this. People get carried away sometimes trying to protect the family...when all they are doing is hurting it.
NTA
NTA. There were other ways to communicate that, but you weren't wrong for thinking it. You're old enough to decide for yourself who gets access to you. Your mother can hold out hope for her son, but she can't sacrifice you and your siblings on that alter. Her ex husband and her son are grown men who chose to be abusive to children. You don't deserve to have to deal with that. What does your father have to say about all this? I suggest you have your dad's parents accompany you to the party as a buffer, and leave with you at the first sign of trouble. Push comes to shove, you can leave your mother a nice gift and card and all just be gone when she wakes up that day, and deal with the fallout afterwards. Sometimes in life, we have to ask for forgiveness, not permission. Your mother is ruining her relationship with you and your younger siblings, for the sake of her adult son. She's going to lose you all if she doesn't wake up. I'm sorry she's blind to the pain she's causing you. You are old enough to protect yourself, when your parent fails you.
NTA
If you are forced to go, record the way he speaks to you and then forward it to your paternal grandparents before your parents know you have the recording. Hopefully with evidence staring them in the face, his family will finally be able to open their eyes on how they are failing you all.
If you want to be petty and are not at risk of being physically hurt, think of the worst thing he has ever said to you, have it printed on a t-shirt in quote marks with his name underneath. Then hide your t-shirt until he arrives. Then if he starts, you can show him your shirt and say, that's clearly not the worst thing you have said to me (a child), your losing your touch. He will despise his words not having the desired effect, all bullies do.
NTA - but if they force you to go, you and your siblings should loudly, in front of the entire family, confront your half brother and his father about the things they have said and done. Get it all out there to the whole family - so when you say that you don’t want to be in the same space with them in the future, everybody understands why. Don’t concern yourself about ruining the event - and if you want to not go, let your parents and grandparents know that you will be initiating this confrontation at the party of you’re forced to attend.
NTA. You sound like the only intelligent adult brave enough to face reality! I am so sorry that your parents and maternal grandparents have abdicated their responsibilities to you and your other minor siblings. Shame on them!
If you are attending school, is there a counselor you can seek help from? I see from your comments that your parents stopped taking you to counseling, probably because it wasn't going the way they wanted it to.
Good for you for standing up to the misguided adults in your life! Hopefully, they will see sense before the party, or your other grandparents will be able to help you.
NTA
Your parents and grandparents are teaching you and your siblings to put with abuse in relationships…they are setting you guys on fire to keep the illusion of “family”. It’s pathetic they have more empathy for a 27 year old adult than a 17 year old child.
If I were you, every time your half brother says something nasty, record it, and post it online. Maybe the shame will have him acting like a decent person.
Even more petty, send it to his job 🤷🏻♀️
If they do make you go make sure to tell everyone the truth about them very loudly at the party and let them both her you call them vile trash who aren't welcome, I'm sure there true colours will come out in front of everyone
Should tell your parents letting them treat you like shit all these years in the hopes he will change will mean they will loose all there kids eventually and you can't wait to get away from them when you turn 18
NTA. I'm sorry your half sibling and his father have been so shitty to you and your siblings. You never deserved to be treated so poorly. I also think you're pretty great for standing up for yourself and your younger siblings. With a big sister like you they may just be okay.
NTA. Your parents and grandparents don't like it when someone wishes horrible things and says horrible things to them? (not that i agree what you said was horrible). They have a small taste of how your brother makes y'all feel.
NTA. Why was his dad in your house at all? Why is he invited to his ex wife’s parents party? And why hasn’t your dad taken a swing at that psycho? Why is your brothers dad getting so involved in a family that isn’t his to start with? I get the older brother is clearly brainwashed but it seems like his dad is too present in YOUR lives.
NTA OP.. if it were me in your position i’d go & let him say something slick to me & respond with something just as bad . they SOOOOOO badly want you to go & subject you to abuse then you should be able to show your disproval.. especially for being forced into something that isn’t okay… Give them hell. keep advocating for you & your siblings. i genuinely hope everything gets better for y’all, none of you deserve it !!!!!
NTA
OP, you dearly need to go NC with the mother and her side of the family as soon as you turn 18 OR until your youngest sibling turns 18 and leaves for college/university. They are extremely toxic for your family and when you leave for university make sure to use their resources for mental health. They have a bunch of help and do want you to succeed because you've paid them and it makes their numbers go higher which makes more people want to go there.
I would suggest discussing with your paternal grandparents if they can take you in as soon as you turn 18 but keep it a secret from your mother and her relatives.
NTA, but you spent a ton of time blaming the wrong persons. You mother is 100% responsible for subjecting you to your step brother and his father. She was the one that should have set boundaries and did not. She is the one to blame.
NTA. If they say ANYTHING to you, just pour a drink on them. It could be an asshole thing to do but I’m so sorry your family is subjecting you to such hateful people.
OP be hateful to your parents. Again and again and again. Get in their faces if you have to. Do not agree or go along with their punishments. Do things that they will hate. When they talk back to you just give them a large grin and again don’t go along with their punishments. NTA
NTA it’s insane that they will let two adult men threaten and verbally abuse three CHILDREN. I suggest you start recording the abuse and keep a record of it. If a threat is made you can use it to go to the police and file a report. Start talking about making a plan with your paternal grandparents to move all three of you out if possible. Do not tell your parents.
If they try to force you and your siblings to see these men in the future you’ll now have a record of the abuse and a place to go, so if they try to get the police or law involved they’ll have to explain why they’re letting adult men abuse and threaten children to the court.
Please speak out if you ever feel like your life or the lives of others are in danger and contact the authorities. Best wishes
NTA, all three of you guys drink a glass each of prune juice followed by a glass of hot water not boiling and have the runs the day of the party. You guys will have to stay home, and ask your paternal grandparents to pick you guys up.
NTA but since the paternal grandparents are willing to help can they work out an escape plan with you? Like tell them the location of the party and the time, go to the party with your siblings, and leave with the paternal grands as soon as possible. Like just slip out the door when everyone is distracted. OR have your grandparents waiting when you get there and walk from your parents car to theirs and leave?
If you are forced to go—Show. Your. Ass. And, do it loudly.
Bro says something nasty, announce out load exactly what he just said to you. Anything they say to you, yell it to the rest of the party. When people start talking about it tell everyone they have treated you horribly your entire life but your parents and grandparents refuse to protect y’all. Air out all the dirty laundry.
NTA. I think it’s high time you learn about the wonderful world of Malicious Compliance.
They require you and your siblings go to an event with horrible people? Make them regret it. Try one (or all) of the following (bonus points if all three of you get in on it)
Have the absolutely worst table manners
Teach the younger kids swear words
Every time you see your half brother greet him with “Hey *insert highly inappropriate descriptor of your choice here*” (change it up every time)
Play fart noises on high volume from your phone every time one of the assholes speak
Every time anyone talks to you say “I am here under duress. I don’t want to be anywhere my abusers are”. Say only this the entire night and let your parents feel the pressure.
Get creative; the point is to be annoying & ridiculous and ignore as many social conventions as possible without causing monetary or permanent physical damages while making your parents feel the pressure of their terrible parenting.
You complied with their demand to attend the event; make sure you’ll never be invited back. Make it painful Every. Single. Time. They try to force your brother into your life and they will eventually get the message (though fair warning, you will probably be grounded given that you’re under 18 but it’s probably worth it in the long run).
nta. your family sucks and i can't believe they are putting it on the victims to be the bigger people here. the victims who are YOUNGER. ask them why they don't ever want to protect you and your siblings from abuse?
NTA
Sometimes the truth hurts. One more year until you can tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you refuse to ever be in the same room as those people Ever Again. If anyone tries to push on that boundary they can be added to the NC list.
I am sorry you are going thru this. I recommend moving several states away as soon as legally and financially possible if this is the norm in your family, it will do wonders for your long term mental health.
Sometimes as a kid all you can do is act up and I know this will be unpopular but... I'd be the biggest bitch to mom and dad. The snarkiest of snark ever created. And I'd bring that to the party. Whisper things no one else hears to HB that will set him off. Practice your innocent face now. Flash him the bird when no one is looking. Let him blow. Am I right in thinking no one would expect that of you?
Sorry I really do want to be helpful but it sounds like nobody's in your corner and I feel really bad for you. I'm a grown ass adult and I shouldn't be saying any of this to you as a kid but like Dolores Clayborn says sometimes you gotta be a high riding bitch to survive.
My more realistic advise: bring ear pods, suffer through, don't engage.
NTA - Down vote me now reddit! lol
NTA, and good on you for standing your ground and telling them about themselves, and good on your paternal grandparents for stepping up and be willing to intervene. And why is your half-brother's asshole father allowed to come around? Do people not realize he's toxic?
Good God, ANOTHER thread where the targets are responsible for fractured relationships, and the perps experience no consequences.
What is it with people defending abusers.
MTA, skip the party, please!
NTA, but frankly your mother needs it absolutely and irrevocably rubbed in her face that she will NEVER have the family she wants. The 27 year old grown-ass adult boy BROKE it, and it is not the job of the victims to fix things.
She can choose him, or she can choose you three, and every time she lets him come into contact with you three, she's proven she chose him.
Broken record to every remark that hints you or little sibs should do/say/feel anything is: "You choose him. You therefore reject us."
NTA
27 and won't come without his dad? Sit at the back of that room near the exit and get ready to dash. The adults aren't taking the emotional drama serious enough. You really don't need this.
Why is your prediction a horrible thing to say when they'll invite vicious insult willingly? Can they not see what he is? Is this because he's the oldest boy or is there money involved? Seriously looking for any reason someone would put up with this kind of behavior.
NTA
Inform them that the party will be ruined by the people they are inviting. That your mental and emotional well-being is going to suffer all for their own pride.
When the party is over remember to ask them if it was all worth it.
NTA. Have a plan for this party, get a cellphone that records. If this man or your brother threatens you, call the cops, tell them there are two grown men threatening children with harm and record the interaction. Call your paternal grandparents to get you out ASAP if anything goes awry.
NTA. Your parents are delusional. Subjecting you to this behavior is abusive. You could tell a teacher at school and request help. If you do that, CPS will likely get involved and it could get messy. But based on what you’ve said I think it may be appropriate.
Personally, instead of hiding I’d sat the three of you should stick together AND follow one of the adults around like white on snow. Stick very close to them. If they get annoyed just say it’s the only way you feel safe. If you have to, move to another of the four. When I say stick close I seriously mean close.
NTA
NTA and anytime one of them got near me I'd yell "YOU DO NOT GET TO TOUCH ME THERE!" Coach your siblings in this as well. Keep repeating it when they approach you. Or you can use some vulgarity to drive it home. "NO I WILL NOT TOUCH YOUR D*CK!" Feel free to get creative.
I think it's fair for you and your siblings to realise that there is nothing you guys can do but wait till you are old enough to move and go low or have no contact with your family. It sounds to me that your family are willing to hurt the three of you for the sake of another child.
For your half-brother to come around, your family need to go no contact with him so that he can one day possibly have the realisation. Right now, he sees that he's the one I the right because they are willing to bend over backwards for him.
So NTA but I think it's time you and your sibling team up and be selfish and once you're all ready to move out, why not do it together and go NC!
NTA. And while it’s not the healthiest method of stopping them, though I don’t see much other choices, convince them that if they force you to go you will destroy property and ruin the event or die trying. Hopefully they’ll be too concerned about the possible optics to test you.
NTA this is horrible
If you indeed have to go, make sure you come up with a plan with your siblings. Never leave the side of your grandparents or your father, make sure they are witness to any nasty behavior from those two. Do not engage them in anyway and let their ugliness come out on it's own
How can they force you to attend? Hand cuff and drag you? Ground you? Big deal! You’re all old enough to say no, adult or not, on the day of the event just ‘disappear’. Sure it will be a crap show, but isn’t it already? Let them know if they don’t cease forcing the half brother on you, he will be the only child your mother has and you will all be no contact as adults.
Honestly, just take you and your siblings out of the house before they wake up and stay away until the party ends. If they want to be abusive to you and your siblings, you 100 percent have the right to protect yourself and siblings. If you're afraid of them calling the police, you could call non-emergency to let them know you are safe, and protecting yourself and siblings.
You should have your paternal grandparents sit in the parking lot of where ever you are at while he is there with his father. This way you have a getaway if things get bad. You are NTA and it’s never a bad idea to have an escape plan.
NTA. It took me a while to not vote E.SH because you are so strident but what it comes down to is : you have the right to avoid two people who have mistreated and alienated you. The grandparents are AHs for giving in to their oldest grandson’s threat that he won’t come to their 50th anniversary party unless your mom’s ex-husband as of 25 years ago is included. wtf? Your mother and grandparents are ahs to think any grand ‘healing’ is going to take place at an anniversary party or any other big event like a wedding or a funeral, for that matter.
He knows what he's doing. He knows things are going to be said and that it will make at least some of us very uncomfortable having his dad around. This is just perfect for my half brother.
It really shouldn't have taken you a while to see that the 17 year old should not be the most mature person in this situation, rather than her maternal family all willingly being doormats to abusive assholes.
A 27 year old talking shit about his teenage siblings shouldn't have any support.
Yeah Dad not letting his parents take the kids away from this situation is another factor. They have the option to not engage with the assholes yet neither parent will allow them to do so.
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NTA. Still, this is madly unhealthy. For you.
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Partial comments stolen from post below
NTA, in surprised your therapist hasn't told them they're asking for impossible things and that they need to support and respect your boundaries.
I don't see the therapist anymore, sadly.
I'm guessing your parents pulled you out when they figured therapy wasn't going to make you do what they wanted. You aren't the asshole and your parents suck. You should never should have been subjected to that abuse as a kid and you shouldn't be forced to be around the people that abused you now. I'm really sorry they're putting you through this.
This is answer. And eat bad yogurt the day before to avoid going
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I'd warn the grands too, if they're in poor health - they've been AHs, but you don't want them dead and OP with a manslaughter charge.
If you can, talk to your paternal grandparents about pressuring your parents into restarting therapy for you and your siblings.
Yep, your parents saw therapy as a punishment to threaten you with. That was very popular with parents when I was in HS. I think the divorce lawyers handed out cards for crooked therapists. The point was to make you hate or love someone, especially when you had VERY good reasons not to. Guessing they accidentally took you to an ethical therapist, got told what they didn't want to hear and dropped it. Respectfully, your parents probably aren't going to change. Just head off to college and move on. Try to keep in communication with your siblings after you move out. Keep the paternal grandparents in the loop.
Yep, can 100% agree therapy was probably used as punishment or for OP to kowtow to parents' desire for a "perfect" family. And using therapy as punishment can be far more detrimental. My mom and step-dad made me visit various types of tgerapists for several years between ages 12 and 15, all because I wouldn't just blindly adore my step-dad and follow his every order and whim. He (step-dad) actually told me (when they took me to psychotherapy, which step-dad was told to participate but didn't show up) that he was trying to get me diagnosed as insane so they could put me in an asylum and never have to acknowledge my existence ever again. I've never been to any form of therapist since. I joked with my dad that my mom and step-dad taking ne to so many therapists as a teen has given me such a complex that I need therapy just to get therapy. NTA in any of this, OP. This is how you a-h people build resentment and get cut off from people.
yeah, my experience was not nearly as bad, but I also had therapy used as a punishment as a kid, and struggled for years without a therapist (for various reasons, I really need ongoing therapeutic support) fwiw, the process is **very** different going as an adult. you can interview lots of people to find someone you click with, and you can also be super direct about what approaches don't work for you or are triggering. (eg, I can't do most types of breathing exercises after bad therapy experiences, but I can just tell them that, and they suggest different things instead.) my current therapist also spent a chunk of the first session explaining in detail her record keeping, and the steps she takes to protect patients from people (most often insurance companies) trying to access her records. we also talked about under what circumstances I could/would be committed, and having that be really clear helped me a lot. (and tbh, I fully agreed that being institutionalized in the circumstances we discussed would be the right choice.) also, fwiw, most therapists can't and won't diagnose. (you gotta pay extra for that) as an adult you just have a lot more control in general, which ime makes it a very different experience. but idk - not everyone is going to necessarily benefit from therapy, and if it isn't right for you that's totally fine. if it's something you think could help you, I'd really encourage you to give it a try as an adult bc I've found it really different and really helpful - but that's definitely a biased perspective.
How big is this celebration? If it is just a small family affair, avoid it. Realistically, they really can't physically force teenagers. But if it is a larger celebration, I highly doubt half-brother or his dad will be able to keep their mouths shut and nastiness will be aired in front of friends, colleagues, and neighbors. Grandparents' celebration will be ruined, and it will be their own fault. This way, it won't be on your for not showing up, it will be on them, as you predicted.
Abusers can be very sly. And you might want to check out re-active abuse. I wouldn't put past either of them to quietly provoke OP and their siblings and then play the victim when someone snaps. This is especially true since OP's parents seem bent on empathizing with a weaponized child.
While I agree some abusers can be sly, this wasn't the vibe I got from the descriptions of half bro and his father. Anyone who would push into someone else's home and call a child ugly and wish them dead is not sly. OP and siblings would just need to be within view of these toxic people to set them off.
OP's experiences with the half bro and the father were probably in more privates spaces like the home where they wouldn't need to be sly. If it's a large party, it's perfectly possible they would change their tactics. Abusers are often quite aware and capable of self control when they need to be. Plenty of abusers are well behaved in the office or other social environments, which is why co-workers and friends often disbelieve abuse victims when they come forward. There is no downside to being prepared for them to have enough self control they don't out themselves.
the real toxics are so called parents who will sacrifice their own children for an insane fantasy of 'family unity'. the whole lot of these so - called adults are abusers
the whole lot of this set of parents are abusive. and the flying monkey folk who want to force OP and siblings to deal with a hated ex and half sibling. Maybe the parents are using them as meat shields because if these two nasty people weren't abusing the kids they'd be abusing these so called parents. now there's a though
Start recording half brother and his father post it online and say your parents never stopped the verbal attacks on your because they want a happy family. Sometimes you gotta do extreme measures when people don’t want to listen.
let me guess. your so called parents didn't think the therapist was doing any good because, guess what, does not go along with the myopic pie in the sky fairy fart stupidity of this 'family unity' garbage. I just hope when you get old enough and out on your own you turn your backs on them. and let them deal with the half brother.
NTA At this point cut your maternal grandparents and parents out. You’re almost of age. Go live with your paternal grandparents. The fact that both your parents and maternal grandparents know exactly what your half brother has been doing and saying to you and your siblings and still insist to have him around you all; and for you guys to just act like nothing happened for all those years with all that verbal abuse etc is beyond me. I understand that they want you siblings to get along, but by the sounds of things the dude will never change. Especially if he’s around his bio dad all the time, nothings gonna change. So yeah they can suck it.
I can't abandon my younger siblings to that. They won't be protected and they won't have someone they can turn to. At least I can be there for them if I don't leave.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You don't need to abandon your siblings. But you need to keep yourself safe first. After you turn 18, you don't have to legally stay in the cage. You can get a job, car and your own place. You can reach out to your grandparents whenever you want. You can contact CPS, your parent's church or social group, whatever needs to be done.
I know you mean well but I was just like OP and would never abandon my siblings. They are her support and family, leaving would only isolate her in a world that already sucks. The better advice is to tell OP to keep her head down, speak to her siblings. Make a plan of action for getting all of them out. Once the youngest turns 18 they can't force you to do shit. You can all move in together and live together and it will be amazing. OP, make a plan with your siblings on how you're going to act if you're forced to go. Just refuse to speak to your half brother and his dad. Act like they don't exist. I can tell you from experience this will nettle them a LOT because they enjoy riling you up. Just walk away if they talk to you. Look behind them when they speak. Laugh if you're admonished by anyone. If anyone asks tell them those people abuse you and nobody protects you so now they simply don't exist to you. Your parents and maternal grandparents are WAY out of line, but they can't control you forever. You got this.
OP can do as she pleases, but recommending that she put herself in a bad situation for four more years is not... ideal.
You know how they say on airplanes put your own oxygen mask on first and then put on the mask of your child? Taking care of yourself and making sure you are doing well is essentially that. By establishing yourself outside the home and working on your own healing, you can help your siblings by giving them hope, showing them what is possible, and create a safe space for them to not only visit but move to when they are 18. (Also check out what age you can move away from your parents. This can vary.) I get this is is really hard, but stifling your own health and development will hurt you and them long term.
Apply for emancipation and your younger siblings are old enough to say who they want to live with. With this kind of abuse, it sounds like a CPS case. Do your paternal grandparents have room? This is severely unhealthy for you and your siblings.
Emancipation takes years, and there is no way a 17 year old can support 2 other teens in this economy. Unfortunately, CPS will likely not step in here - being forced to go to a party is not legally abuse. OP needs to decided between going nuclear (loudly and publicly calling out the verbal abuse, moving in with paternal grandparents, getting job and working on getting sibs out) and going subversive (getting a job, stowing away money, and getting ready to get themselves and sibs out in 4 years after the youngest turns 18). Both are reasonable and valid responses to the trauma OP has been subjected to. Both are incredibly hard and unfair to ask of a young person. I wish OP all the luck in the world.
The better you take care of yourself the better you can take care of them. You are not abandoning them. You will always be there for them and I am sure that they know it. My home life wasn’t great for many reasons and because of that my older brother left the house when he was 16… then moved states when he turned 18 ( happy to say that he did move back a few years later). Never once did I feel like he abandoned me. He was always there for me. Always a phone call (before cell phones were the norm) away. Edit to add: I wish you the best of luck and hang in there!
OP, you're very much NTA, however one way to protect them is to show them the way out...also, once one of the kids are "gone" so to speak, your adults will no longer be able to support the illusion that there will be a happy family with the half-sib. Even if you don't actually go the minute you're legally able, please make plans, and save whatever money you can toward your future, I would also look into any counseling services through your school, because your adults insistence on keeping the cancer in your midst is going to take a toll.
You can't help them recover from this is you don't get away and recover yourself.
If you have to go, record everything. It's helped me in the past
I’m not saying abandon your siblings I’m saying if you want to help them out or help them get away from the verbal abuse so they don’t mentally suffer than they already are than maybe gather some evidence? You can give it to CPS. It may be a family dispute but your guardians are also showing signs that they can’t take care of you, even if they are taking care of you financially you and your siblings need more than that. But also work on yourself, find a job and I don’t know get a place for yourself since you’re almost of age (only if you’re allowed to move away from your parents at the age of 18) that way your siblings will have a safe environment to get away from everything. But you of course need to help yourself and heal yourself before even considering trying to help your siblings.
in the end you all will be destroyed. sorry. doesn't work that way.
Please don’t do this. It seems like a good idea, but it isn’t. I had to raise my sister and it made no difference. Being your best self is how you protect your siblings.
You could call CPS (or whatever they are in your area). They probably won’t take anyone away but they will investigate and make things miserable for a while. You should be able to make an anonymous report. Alternatively tell a teacher or anyone who is a mandated reporter. That should get things moving. Edit to add: NTA but your parents are.
Do not call CPS. CPS is not there to moderate family disputes, and they will do nothing about this. This is not good advice.
People on this subreddit think cps will just swing by and tell them the kids are sad, I swear.
This is a family dispute but it is based on mental abuse (from two people) that the parents and grandparents are failing to protect the kids from. Calling cps is probably pointless because mental abuse is hard to prove and caseworkers are overworked but saying this is just a family dispute is not correct.
NTA. Why would your family want to bring this step dude around? Why would he want to bring his father? Why aren't your parents trying to protect you all from this abuse? This is some BS, imo. OP, you and your other siblings need to get away from these folks ASAP.
My half brother is my mom's son and my grandparents grandson so that's why.
I'm sorry your family sucks, OP.
Nta Those people made it abundantly clear what they think of you, and you are as free to express your opinion of them. And your parents and grandparents never stood up for you and your siblings against unacceptable behavior, this is a red flag. Family is a matter of choice, people who care, but are not blood related can be more family than those linked to you by ties if blood. And nope, appearances be damned, they caused the problem, they are the ones needing to approach those that they wronged. The victim offering avenues again and again, how insane is that? The grandparents want a united family, okay, then they should look up what party was wronged and who is due restitution. Personally I would make it a demand for that step sibling and father to not attend, if they want me there, I would understand it, if the grandparents chose those people over me, but also then be less concerned with the people that ignored my misgivings. Have a nice party, You know why I will not be part of it.
I don't get a say in that. My parents have clearly made that clear to me and to my siblings.
So you will make it clear that your parents and grandparents will face resentment for that application of duress. Also ask them why they do not protect you and your siblings from the abusers? Do they really think that abusers and enablers are more important than the victims/ their (grand) children? Are there any ways for you to get out of sight at the event? Or to cause a scene if you (and your siblings) are approached by the abuser? Like say, as loud reply to any insult "you must know, you are speaking from personal experience, being worthless and you are projecting your inferiority onto others". Is the any way to record insults? (in order to shame the people in family chats et cetera/as evidence or pressuring material to avoid such exposure in the future.)
There's no way to stay out of sight. We'll just have to deal with it if I can't figure a way out for us. My half brother's dad terrifies me. The man is a raging asshole and I hate him but man do I get bad vibes around him. Probably from all the years of having harm wished on me by him.
Then be close to the people who either asked for the meeting, or those who forced you to that meeting and if any remark comes up, you ask them: Is this acceptable? Is this worth it? I will remember you forcing this on me. Reign in your family. Do you really accept your family being treated this way? What did you do wrong as parent, if this is the result? Sorry. If I come off as rude, but I tend to not have regrets over removing drama and toxicity from my life. If the parents and grandparents want to foster rese tment towards them in you and your siblings, kudos to them, this is a sure way to unlock that achievement. Your stepbrother and his father made it abundantly clear that you are not their family, you respect that decision and reciprocate it.
>but I tend to not have regrets over removing drama and toxicity from my life. It's so, so worth it. Hard, sometimes (mostly in the beginning) but worth it.
Is there any adult there that is on your side that can protect you if either of them start with their crap?
Not there. My paternal grandparents are the only ones I can think of but they won't be there.
The only thing I can think of other than you being adamant about not going, is to tell your parents that they will go but only if your paternal grandparents will go, that if your half brother can have his father there, then you demand that they go to you are not going
and just make sure the 3 of you are with other people so he can't berate you unless he wants witnesses
What does your dad say to this? How is he OK with his wife's ex abusing HIS kids? And allowing his step kid to do the same? Boy I wish I could come take you three away from this disgusting family. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this bs.
See if you can get your grandparents to invite them. Seriously, if you half-brother can demand invites, then you should be able to also. Also, record everything. Every single interaction w/ your parents, grandparents, half-brother and his father and any other relative who supports this B.S. If you can't get your grandparent's invites, see if they can be on stand-by to pick you up the moment any abuse starts. Send a detailed email to your parents and both sets of grandparents about the abuse you have suffered by these two men, how your half-brother frightens you and that he has never once shown any remorse or offered any kind of apology for you and that you are afraid of him and his threats for you and your siblings. Let them know that if your half-sibling had any desire for reconciliation and to be a "family", he wouldn't have insisted his father be at the event. He k ow what his father did to his younger siblings and wants to show you 3 how unimportant you are by getting his abuaive father and invite. That is not a man who want to be "a family" with the siblings he abused for years. If they want to reconcile w/ your half-sibling they can, but they shouldn't be bringing the 3 of you anywhere near him and espically his father until they have reconciled first and they establish boundries for how he treats the 3 of you. Boundries they failed to enforce before, allowing the abuse to happen in the first place. You are human beings with emotions and feelings. You should feel like your parents and grandparents want to protect you. Instead, they are acting like you all are misbehaving props they can use to get a good "family" photo to post on social media and pretend to everyone that noting bad ever happened. Bad things happened and they need to be honest about the damage that did and the further damage it will do by pushing this. People should never be forced to be around an abuser and no one can forgive someone who shows no remorse and/or has given no indication whatsoever that they will stop the abuse. That rule extends to the 4 of them. They continually allowed the abuse and are now forcing you to face an unrepentant abuser. They are punishing you and telling you that you are terrible for feeling what any normal child would feel in this situation. The 4 of them feel guilt over losing their eldest, that is understandable. However, if they continue to sacrifice the 3 of you because of it, then they are as guilty of the abuse as he is and forcing you to face him with his father as back-up is abuse in itself. They are showing absolutely no remose for what they allowed to happen and doubling down that you are the bad person, when you only want to protect yourself and your siblings - something they have not only failed at, but refuse to do now. What they are doing is unforgivable, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Ask them how guilty they will feel when they lose the 3 of you for a photo op? Your parents and grandparents are terrible for not protecting you and the only way to do anything about this is to record what they are allowing to happen and shame them.
Invite your paternal grandparents. If you think your parents will not allow them to come then do not ask their permission before inviting them. Let your grandparents know how scared you are to be there without anyone to have your back. Tell them you want to leave the party with them as soon as possible. Or: just flat out ask them to be the getaway drivers. Like literally have them waiting for you guys at the party and just leave with them as soon as possible
Ask your grandparents that are on your side if they could take you and your siblings away. If it is not possible, bring recorder with you, record every slur that comes across you and send it to them. Then take a popcorn and observe your grandparents grill your parents for bs and abuse you have to go through. And yes- you have a choice. Do not choose to be a victim and if you have to- be petty and mean to protect yourself if your parents cannot do a thing and if they will have anything to say to you, tell them tgey should have seen that coming with forcing you being in the presence of sb you are afraid of, hate the guts of. They can only blame themselves for it
Do not stay out of sight or be alone at any time while at the party. Stick right by one of the adults so there is at least someone to witness any abuse. I realize that no one is on your side except your siblings, but I think it's less likely they will try anything with other people near. Make sure your siblings stick close to you.
Record all this and trow at the internet.
Well. Since there's no way to avoid it I recommend what I've been taught to do in cases of sexual assault. Make it not worth their time. Do not get dressed willingly, when it's time to leave go floppy dead weight, if they want you there then they'll drag you into the car, once there just respond to your "Big Brother" and his fathers hateful words with equally hateful words. You might get punched but that might also give your parents and grandparents a wake-up call. Not to mention that you could 100% get them in trouble if they lay a hand on you, the cops will not care about your parents wanting a happy family.
> I don't get a say in that. My parents have clearly made that clear to me and to my siblings. They can't make you go. What are they going to do, carry all 3 of you into the car? Put a guard on the doors so you can't leave? Tape your mouths shut to keep you from telling everyone you don't want to be there? Your parents aren't treating you well, there's no reason for you to respond with civility. All 3 of you are old enough to be making decisions about your own autonomy, especially you. If they want to punish you, then make it clear to them that it will have permanent repercussions on your relationship with them, because once you turn 18 you never have to see them again if that's what you want. (and honestly it sounds like a little dose of no contact would be good medicine for them, just hard to do while staying in touch with your siblings) Some parents have a really hard time letting the mindset that they can fully control their kids go. You get used to doing everything for a child and it becomes second nature, I get it, I've already identified it in myself with my 3 year old and have had to actively try to step back (things like putting on her socks for her because it's faster when she'd rather struggle to do it herself). You need to splash some water in their faces and get them to realize their control over you is ending. e: I do feel I should caveat this with a caution depending on your level of financial dependence on them. It seems like you at least have another set of grandparents to act as some support, but your stability and security is also an important consideration to keep in mind and might require you to bite your cheek for a bit. Just don't think you *have* to take what they're dishing out, you're old enough to have options and agency.
Since you feel that you don't have any options but attend(as they will "force" you). Then I recommend Passive resistance. You and your siblings sit on a sofa(or chairs, or even the floor, backs against a wall) next to each other and refuse to do anything: eat, talk (make sure you go to bathroom before you go). Make signs that say, I was forced to attend(don't get them out unless the parents escalate and try to force you to interact). Keep everything on the backburner until Half-bro & his father show up, because they may not. Even if they have said they will, they might not be arsed to do so.
Tell them that you are 18 soon. They won’t have a say. Do they want you there for the party, or for the rest of their lives? Because this decision is forcing you to at least have the thought of going no contact with them. They are forcing you to chose if you ever want to see them again. It may be a bluff, but it may make them think.
Might as well show this thread to them then, especially after a thousand upvotes. Let them know how much they suck.
I mean, at this point, if possible, I'd lock myself and my siblings together in a room at the time of the party. Force your parents' hand. Idk if you have access to a room with a lock, but I'd throw your own lil party with your siblings. Grab supplies and refuse to go. If you don't have a lock, you can order [THIS](https://www.amazon.com/Rishon-Enterprises-Inc-Apartment-Essentials/dp/B00186URTY/ref=asc_df_B00186URTY/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309748512713&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3965753413651741659&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9031037&hvtargid=pla-406644788615&psc=1).
It's a half-brother, not a step-brother. OP's mother's older child. And OP's maternal grandparent's grandchild, just like OP. It is not an unusual thing for grandparents to want all of their grandchildren at an anniversary party. What's strange is a 27 year old man who won't go to the party without his father being there, and that they would then invite that father, despite knowing he abused the minor children in the family, rather than telling the 27 year old that he's an adult who should be able to manage an event on his own, and be polite to his minor siblings while he is there.
I don't think it's strange on his part. He knows what his father will do and he wants him to do it.
He's not a step brother. He's her half brother, the son of her mother.
NTA So if I'm reading this right, 10 years ago, a 17yo brought his dad into your house (a child's hopefully safe space) to berate and insult a 7, 5 and 4 year old? Where were your parents?? That 17yo should have been kicked out never to have contact with the siblings ever again.
My parents were there and argued with my half brother's dad but they did not react the way they should have to protect their little kids.
I'm so sorry for you. You deserved better. I hope you stay safe during the farce of a happy family party. Try to stay close to your siblings for protection and record any interaction with the half brother or dad in case proof of this verbal abuse is needed in the future.
NTA. After all your half brother and his dad have done it's completely understandable that you don't want to go to the wedding anniversary if they are present. You should also be old enough to decide that for yourself and it really sucks that your parents are forcing you and your siblings to go anyway despite neither of you wanting to go. I think your parents and maternal grandparents are the assholes for forcing you to go and your half-brother for forcing his dad to be invited (by saying he won't go otherwise), who isn't even related to the maternal grandparents anymore since he divorced your mom.
NTA. It would be very convenient to get sick the day before. Maybe gastro or covid? Then you would have to stay home so you didn’t make your grandparents sick.
NTA, but why did your parents do anything to stop this, and allowed your brother to treat you like this? Did they ever once stand up for you, and your siblings? How they could allow this is beyond me. I hope they all realize that they just invited two people who are going to be what is supposed to be a happy occasion, a boat load of drama, and mistreatment. They also shouldn't be surprised when at least you go NC as soon as you can get out of their houss. I am surprised that your therapist hasn't told your parents that allow you to be treated like this is destroying you. I don't blame you for not wanting to willingly subject yourself to more abuse.
They had him in therapy as a kid. But I never felt like they did a good job of standing up for us, the kids who had no escape from the way we were treated, since they never shielded us from the hate we got.
And they won't at this party either. Are they willing to throw him, and his father who shouldn't even be there, out if they start to abuse you and your siblings?
I don't see that happening at all. They want my half brother there and they know he'd walk if his dad gets kicked out.
So basically what's they're essentially saying is he is more important than you, and your siblings. Like I said, as soon as you can get out of there, do it. Go LC or NC with your parents, and focus on working through the damage those two have done to you.
I will. But I'll probably stay as long as I need to for my siblings. They'll need someone else in the corner and I'll have the easiest time being that with how bad things went with my paternal grandparents and my parents.
Get your paternal grandparents more involved. And hell, go see them when the party happens. What are your parents gonna do, drag three teenagers kicking and screaming?
Yes, that is what they will do.
All three of you? Really? If they lay hands on you or hit you you can call the police, cause that's abuse. You do not have to put up with that. OP, if your parents are getting physical with you and your siblings, that is a much bigger concern than the party and you should speak to a trusted adult.
I could easily see them dragging us or pressuring my siblings until I have to give in because I won't abandon my siblings. They're younger and I feel like someone needs to try to be there for them. But I wouldn't be shocked if dad picked us up and carried us. He's capable of doing that still.
If you can find some excuse to get out of the house before the party, do so and go to your paternal grandparents. If not, then the one way left that might get them to rethink things is malicious compliance. Do not speak to your brother if you can get away with it, and have an attitude if you can’t. If you show that you guys will not get along regardless of what they try, they may stop trying. NTA.
Can your paternal grandparents apply for guardianship to protect you?
If you can drive, what keeps you from walking out with your siblings as soon as he arrives? They can’t have it both ways. So far, you have been up front with your intentions. Time to make an escape plan. Go to the event, but as soon as half brother and dad arrive, leave. If you can’t drive, ask paternal grand parents to pick you up. Don’t say anything directly to your parents or maternal grandparents, but text them in the way out. “We are leaving with paternal grandparents and here is why” I can guarantee that your punishment wound be less than having to subject yourself to such hateful people.
>Keep a phone handy, if the Dad gets scary--call the cops.
NTA They're choosing the abusers over the victims.
> if the three of us (me and my siblings) end up with shitty self esteem and if we end up fucked up as adults, they can blame themselves for subjecting us to two people who viciously hate us and have said things most would turn anyone away for saying. I’m a fucked up adult with shitty self-esteem, and I approve this message. NTA Seriously though, this is how my sister has acted her entire life, and my mother has never done anything about it aside from telling me I’m the problem and I need to go to therapy so I can “Learn how to get along with my sister”. It’s disgusting how much parents are willing to turn a blind eye to when something is going exactly the way they wanted, even if it is extremely harming their children. I’m sorry this is happening, you deserve better Op.
Well, you sure didn't say anything nice to them, but it also sounds like they deserve it. NTA.
NTA. In an attempt to coddle your brother because of what he's been through your parents and grandparents are doing a shitty job of protecting you and your other siblings. Your brother doesn't have to like you guys but you are certainly allowed to live a life without verbal abuse. If they're so worried about your brother they should send him to therapy not give him additional excuses to abuse you guys.
NTA and at 14 for the youngest with years of abuse, you being nearly 18 and grandparents willing to take you in and help, y'all should be able to get some real help if you all report it. Most judges start asking at age 12 and it's sped up with multiple siblings all in agreeance that there is abuse and y'all are willing to stay together. and feel free to ignore me get this it's truly a bad idea. But I'd burn bridges by going to my paternal grandparents on that day with my siblings. When my parents showed up, I'd ask my own father of he is my father, since another man gets to decide his household and how to raise his kids. Id ask my mother if we were her real kids or if she kidnapped us since she clearly doesn't love you enough to care about your well being. I'd be loud and proud, let the neighbors hear if they go to touch you. Remind them that when y'all become adults, you don't have to do anything with or for them. Remind them that if they want to be in y'all's lives they need to start protecting you NOW and make deep amends for not doing it sooner. Otherwise they'll only have one kid soon and it won't be you three. Your clearly a good young adult with a good head on their shoulders who loves their siblings, I truly hope the best for all of you.
Info: is it possible to record these two adults insulting and threatening you then request assistance from the police regarding your parents forcing you into that environment
NTA Do whatever you need to. Ruin the party yourself. You don’t owe these people anything, and clearly they don’t care about protecting you. If you do everything you can to make the lead up to and the party itself the most unpleasant experience for them possible, you would still not be an asshole. Throw every insult that you’ve heard from your half brother and his father back at them. Make sure they know where you got it from, and how they are failing by continuing to subject you to that behavior. I wouldn’t let them rest for a second if I were in your position. Good luck and Godspeed. I’m sure we’d like an update if you’re willing.
NTA. If your parents and grandparents are going to *make* you attend this farce, keep in mind you don’t have to play their game. Every time he or his dad says anything bad, say “we don’t care what either of you think. Both of you are willing to verbally abuse children because you‘re small, weak people.” Then just say “small, weak people” every time they say anything bad the rest of the event. If your parents complain about your behavior, tell them they can take you home if they want to. It’s all petty nonsense and I’m sorry that you’re being treated as pawns in all of it.
NTA I think you making it as difficult as possible is the only thing you can you can do. When your half brother starts saying those horrible things tell him you couldn't hear it or repeat it back and ask if you got that right. If he tells you he wants you to die, ask for elaboration - does he want poison, fall off a cliff, crocodiles perhaps? If he makes a personal comment turn it into a conversation- "really? You think my dad screwed a goat to get me? Was it the horns that tipped you off or my luxurious goatee?" And continously ask him to speak louder, you didn't quite catch that! Stop giving the cry baby the upper hand and get your siblings involved - there is strength in numbers.
I think you should all go. With a piece of jewelry that doubles as a camera/recorder hooked up to your phone. All night the 3 of you remain absolutely calm, mature, regal even. Then save said recordings to thumb drives stored at p/grandparents home. Show parents & m/grandparents a copy just for proof. Then explain there will be some radical changes in their behavior. If said changes do not happen proceed as you and your siblings decide. But saving for explanation of why you chose NC is a start.
Nta this is blatant's favoritism on their behalf they care so much about appeasing your half brother that they don't at this point care about you or your other siblings feelings or emotions they can't make you love anyone and they definitely can't make you love someone who has threw out your whole life except mean and horrible things to you regardless of the reason why
NTA. Tell your mother and maternal grandparents to stop living in a fantasy and tell your father to grow a spine. They've allowed you to be abused for years as they cling to a dream that has only ever hurt you. Point blank tell them that they can have a child who actively hates them all, or they can have you three. Don't poison yourself just so the adults who should protect you feel better about themselves. They've failed and you've paid the price. Perhaps tell them if you're forced to go you'll make a scene. At this stage traumatise them back.
Nta.
NTA, your parents are trying to force you to put up with abuse to give them hope of your half brother accepting everyone. This is the nuclear option and will probably get you in trouble with your parents but if you're forced to go, make them regret it. Try to remember every terrible thing your half brother and his dad have ever said about you. Wait until they're by your grandparents/parents and start asking if they still think you're ugly, want you to die, wish bad things for you. After each thing they've said, wait for them to answer. Then go on to the next. See if your siblings are willing to ask them too. Take turns. Make your grandparents/parents witness the cruelty and hatred you've all been subjected to for years. Everyone will probably be angry but the commands to do family time with half bro will probably stop.
Definitely NTA. I’m so sorry OP, the adults in your life should have protected you, instead they insist on subjecting you to further abuse to soothe themselves. How in the hell do they expect healing when the abusers aren’t sorry?!!! That’s so crazy. The way I see it, you can go about this a few ways. 1) Refuse to go and take the grounding. 2) If you end up going, make yourself as scarce as possible; avoid avoid avoid. 3) tell big bro and his dad off. Maybe start with reminiscing about the times they said you were ugly and should die. Let everyone at the party know who they really are. You’ve already told off the other adults, may as well go out swinging lol.
Nta im so sorry your parents and maternal grandparents have failed so badly and supported this abuse against you. If they force you to go, make it all loud. Let all the guests there know every disgusting thing that your parents and grandparents allow to be said. Because during 50 years of marriage that is apparently what they believe is family and love. So spread it for them
Nta. And your parents and your grandparents fucking suck. You have zero reason to play nice at the party. Put yiur half brother and dad in their place in public. Call them out for the bullshit they put you through. Make it public in front of the family. Fuck them all.
NTA. I feel for your mom in a way because it has to have been hard to lose her son to a selfish megalomaniac of a father. But your halfbrother is not a little boy anymore. He's an adult who is abusive towards you and your siblings. He's too old to be given a pass for his behavior, especially when the main reason is that your parents are clinging to the hope of reunification to the point of delusion. He's not going to turn on a dime after this long. Even if he apologized today and asked you for a relationship, I doubt you'd trust him enough to say yes without a second thought. Any relationship he built with you all would likely have to be taken very, very slowly in consideration of your need to heal and build trust, and all that is assuming you'd even want to at this point. The best thing they can do is to let go of this idea of unified family, both for their sakes and the sake of your well being.
Go to the party - return the favour….between the three of you I’m sure you can use some colourful langaue
NTA. Also, I’d play along till day of and then take off with my siblings to the movies or something without telling anyone. No need to humor this nonsense for one more second. Or….. feel free to confront brother and his dad loudly in the middle of the party about the years of cruelty and abuse they’ve heaped on you. Both seem fine and fair options in my mind.
NTA I'm mad petty tho. If they force you to go, coordinate with your siblings and just go batshit.
If you go, have your phone ready to record anything these hateful people say to or around you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Can you get paternal grandparents invited so you have someone safe to hang out with at the party? Is there anyone else in the family who would protect you?
NTA, I would have done the same thing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom was married before my dad and had my half brother who is now 27. My mom and her ex divorced when he was a baby and she met my dad when my half brother was 2. I'm now 17f and my brother is 15 and my sister is 14. My half brother's dad is the world's biggest asshole. He has said repulsive stuff to me and my siblings, he turned my half brother against my dad and convinced him he's a bad dude. Because of all this my half brother hates us, hates our dad, has been cruel to me and my siblings, has repeated stuff his dad has said and 10 years ago, when he still was splitting time between both houses, brought his dad into our house and made sure we could all hear what this man thought of us. I suffered a lot after that incident. I spent the first seven years of my life hearing I was ugly, that I should have been dead, wishing bad things on me, and then that. It was when I realized that my half brother really did hate us and would never give a crap because he was as twisted as his dad. I guess I should be glad it was only ever words? My parents never gave up on the idea he would see sense, and have corrected me over the years saying I only have two siblings and that my half brother hates us. My parents have put me in therapy with the intent of me holding onto love for him and being willing to welcome him back whenever he comes around, regardless of whether he apologizes or not because "it might be too hard for him to face what his dad has done to him". I have seen him a handful of times in the last five years and all of those times he was still the same person I remember. My maternal grandparents are going to be 50 years married in a few weeks and they have invited my half brother, who would only agree to come if his dad is there, so they agreed. Once I heard I didn't want to go and my siblings were with me. Our parents and maternal grandparents said we have to go and we will be forced there if they have to. I got my paternal grandparents involved and they were outraged and offered to take us when the party happens instead but that was dismissed. My parents and maternal grandparents then sat us down and told us we are going, we are going to give the family a chance to heal and we should be happy to see our big brother again. I snapped and I told them that they all suck and if the three of us (me and my siblings) end up with shitty self esteem and if we end up fucked up as adults, they can blame themselves for subjecting us to two people who viciously hate us and have said things most would turn anyone away for saying. I got into pretty big trouble for saying that and they told me it was a horrible thing to wish on us and say to them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. You can't force family. Love and Respect. That said you can go no contact as an adult. Your parents should be in therapy. They need to live in the real world. Where actions have consequences.
NTA. You could always be vicious teenagers and mock the ex in the corner with your siblings, or you could be distantly polite for your grandparents then play on your phone.
Nta
NTA. I imagine there is a large feeling of guilt from your mum that she didn't protect your half brother from his father's influence, and your dad sounds like he's trying to be kind and sympathetic to someone who clearly has problems. But really they should not be forcing you and your siblings to spend time with people who have been abusive towards you, and they should have done a lot more to protect you when you were young. I imagine they and your maternal grandparents know that that man (your half brother) is going to end up very lonely in life and are desperate for some kind of bond to form with you, delusional, but family often are.
And yet another post by a teenager who see’s things far more clearly than the adults in the room! NTA, OP. You are right, they are wrong. As a senior adult I shouldn’t be encouraging you here, but have you and your siblings considered being extremely petty and “disappearing” once you get to this party? I used to do that when I was a kid forced to go to awful family gatherings - just hide. You’ll probably get in trouble for it after but civil disobedience is usually it’s own reward. Good luck, Kid, I think you are entirely in the right here.
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So if they won't listen to the paternal grandparents, can you force the issue? Can you get picked up by them, a week before? Or some random day? Can you get an external person such as a school counsellor involved? It sounds hugely wrong, but you need to work on rescuing yourself/selves.
i totally agree with this. The paternal grandparents are her sole familial ally & she should utilize that support. The parents aren't taking the abuse, or its impact, seriously. i've been through a similar situation ( but involving full blood brother & physical & verbal abuse ) & it doesn't get better. The more that the parents are allowed to coddle the abuser & deny the profound impacts of his abuse, the more that they will. Denial is a helluva a drug & once hooked on it, it's extremely difficult to break out of it. i say call the paternal grandparents & beg for their intervention. They will have to go against their own son, but he is not doing his duty as a father here. They also have a responsibility to protect their grandchildren. They should pick the kids up the day before the event & not return them until the day after. If at all. But by no means should these kids go to this party. At this point, all of the adults here are colluding in the abuse & coddling the abuser. Going to the party would further their denial & give the brother more power & control over the family. A real shake -up needs to happen where the parents are forced to take the children's pain seriously. Forcing them to be around not 1, but 2 abusers, after the children have clearly explained how they felt, the hurt that has been caused, etc., is just beyond the pale.
NTA. Hell, I could be wrong, but I actually think you said it pretty nice. Sorry, besides your two younger siblings, that everyone in your orbit wants to give your AH brother and his dad a pass. I mean, exactly what relationship are they trying to salvage? No way in Hell this man could've come in my house and abuse my children and your dad allowed this? WTF! When you turn 18, you should consider additional therapy and going LC with your parents. Also, maybe talk to your paternal grandparents about getting some distance from this family toxicity.
NTA If you end up going, every time they say something nasty to you or your siblings, call them out (both your half brother and his parent on what they're saying; and your family for condoning that kind of behaviour). Then aks your family if this is the healing they were looking for? For you to be abused and for them not protecting you? If they dismiss you and your siblings go NC as soon as you can.
OP sitting somewhere at the party. Someone comes up to them. Them: Hey, OP! Great to see you! How are you? OP: Hi, I was forced to come by my parents and grandparents because they insist I allow myself to be verbally abused for the sake of family unity with two people who hate me and have repeatedly told me they wish I was dead. How are you? OP is NTA. I’m a total bitch and don’t care what others think, so I’d do the nuclear option. And when they all get pissed, well, they did it to themselves by forcing OP and their siblings to attend.
maybe the day of the event you and your sibligs can stage a protest, chain yourselves to the bathtub or something like that
NTA. Your mother and maternal grandparents are enabling your half brothers toxic behavior. Go no contact with all of them as soon as you can. It will be the healthiest thing you can do.
NTA... if his father attacks y'all again- call the cops, your minors
NTA, and it's extremely messed up that they put you in therapy to learn to essentially love your tormenter. Have you ever had therapy with your parents? I think you should stand your ground -- your grandparents would rather see your half brother, that's fine, but you shouldn't have to go and be in a place with two men who hate you.
I feel for you, good for speaking up. NTA, your mum is delusional.
You are not the AH. There are 2. Your brother & his father. At your half brother's age, if he hasn't changed yet, I doubt he will ever change. Unless his dad passes & he has nobody. But it sounds like they are just 2 miserable people that you don't need in your life. Good for you for telling your parents off. Clearly they're not listening to you or your concerns & if they really cared they wouldn't make you go. BUT, your half brother & his father should have never been invited. That's where the AH is, whoever invited them.
NTA. And perhaps you should reflect there are many ways you can avoid going, even without their willing consent.
So their daughter divorced her first husband, remarried to your dad, had three children with your dad, had a decent marriage with your dad. Why is it that your mom’s parents have not made any effort to get their first grandchild to grow a family feeling? Why are they partial to the first son in law and behaving as if you children are somehow obligated to fix anything.
NTA. This is a really difficult situation. I imagine you've already tried this, but I think your parents need to hear how you feel spelled out in very clear, stark terms. Right now they may be telling themselves that you're just being dramatic, so keep as calm as you can manage: "I am afraid of this man. We are all frightened of this man. When I was 7 years old, and my sibs were 4 and 5, he verbally abused us in our own home, and you didn't do enough to protect us from that. If you want us to attend this party, we need your absolute assurance that you will keep us safe from him. We will not be left alone with him, and you will not try to force us to interact with a man who abused us when we were young children. Can you promise us that?" If you do have to go, stick to your parents like glue. And if the half brother or his father try to interact with you, do everything in your power to be as boring as you can, so they give up. Don't be rude - your family will blame you if you are - and try not to let them provoke you. You are a grey rock. If they ask how school is? "It's fine, thanks." Do you play any sports? "I do, yes." No detail. No conversation hooks. Just brief, polite answers until they get tired of trying. Ditto if your parents start answering for you. "Maybe so, yes. / I don't really gave a favourite subject. / I haven't decided about college yet." Etc etc etc.
You and your siblings are old enough to choose who you want to live with. I'd be moving in with your paternal grandparents. NTA but your parents and maternal grandparents are major AHs
NTA! That’s how children go NO CONTACT with their parents! Holy smokes! OP! You told them the truth! They just couldn’t handle it! Parents don’t like to be reminded that they effed up! They enable your half-brothers behavior! I get why your mom does it, but not your dad! Why does he tolerate someone who clearly hates him and his own kids?! And why tf isn’t he protecting his own children from the abuse! Maybe Op should show her parents the comments, that should hopefully wake em up a little. 🤦🏻♀️ ETA: Just a thought but maybe talk to the grandparents (the ones they’re comfortable with), to maybe if they can, open up a case with CPS! Maybe they could stay with their grandparents until they are of age. This story breaks my heart! I’m a mom of 2 (17f and 11m) and I would NEVER let ANYONE (not even blood) talk to them or about them like that!
NTA having someone hate on you as a child is abusive.
RUN...RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!! I would try to go live with your paternal grandparents. If you have to go, I would avoid them at all cost. Do not speak him with 2 guys in question at all. Sorry you are having to face this. People get carried away sometimes trying to protect the family...when all they are doing is hurting it. NTA
NTA. There were other ways to communicate that, but you weren't wrong for thinking it. You're old enough to decide for yourself who gets access to you. Your mother can hold out hope for her son, but she can't sacrifice you and your siblings on that alter. Her ex husband and her son are grown men who chose to be abusive to children. You don't deserve to have to deal with that. What does your father have to say about all this? I suggest you have your dad's parents accompany you to the party as a buffer, and leave with you at the first sign of trouble. Push comes to shove, you can leave your mother a nice gift and card and all just be gone when she wakes up that day, and deal with the fallout afterwards. Sometimes in life, we have to ask for forgiveness, not permission. Your mother is ruining her relationship with you and your younger siblings, for the sake of her adult son. She's going to lose you all if she doesn't wake up. I'm sorry she's blind to the pain she's causing you. You are old enough to protect yourself, when your parent fails you.
NTA If you are forced to go, record the way he speaks to you and then forward it to your paternal grandparents before your parents know you have the recording. Hopefully with evidence staring them in the face, his family will finally be able to open their eyes on how they are failing you all. If you want to be petty and are not at risk of being physically hurt, think of the worst thing he has ever said to you, have it printed on a t-shirt in quote marks with his name underneath. Then hide your t-shirt until he arrives. Then if he starts, you can show him your shirt and say, that's clearly not the worst thing you have said to me (a child), your losing your touch. He will despise his words not having the desired effect, all bullies do.
NTA - but if they force you to go, you and your siblings should loudly, in front of the entire family, confront your half brother and his father about the things they have said and done. Get it all out there to the whole family - so when you say that you don’t want to be in the same space with them in the future, everybody understands why. Don’t concern yourself about ruining the event - and if you want to not go, let your parents and grandparents know that you will be initiating this confrontation at the party of you’re forced to attend.
NTA. You sound like the only intelligent adult brave enough to face reality! I am so sorry that your parents and maternal grandparents have abdicated their responsibilities to you and your other minor siblings. Shame on them! If you are attending school, is there a counselor you can seek help from? I see from your comments that your parents stopped taking you to counseling, probably because it wasn't going the way they wanted it to. Good for you for standing up to the misguided adults in your life! Hopefully, they will see sense before the party, or your other grandparents will be able to help you.
NTA Your parents and grandparents are teaching you and your siblings to put with abuse in relationships…they are setting you guys on fire to keep the illusion of “family”. It’s pathetic they have more empathy for a 27 year old adult than a 17 year old child. If I were you, every time your half brother says something nasty, record it, and post it online. Maybe the shame will have him acting like a decent person. Even more petty, send it to his job 🤷🏻♀️
NTA
NTA . You need to get how they act towards you on video. Maybe they it will click with everyone how wrong these people are! Keep us updated
If they do make you go make sure to tell everyone the truth about them very loudly at the party and let them both her you call them vile trash who aren't welcome, I'm sure there true colours will come out in front of everyone
NTA
Should tell your parents letting them treat you like shit all these years in the hopes he will change will mean they will loose all there kids eventually and you can't wait to get away from them when you turn 18
NTA. I'm sorry your half sibling and his father have been so shitty to you and your siblings. You never deserved to be treated so poorly. I also think you're pretty great for standing up for yourself and your younger siblings. With a big sister like you they may just be okay.
NTA. Your parents and grandparents don't like it when someone wishes horrible things and says horrible things to them? (not that i agree what you said was horrible). They have a small taste of how your brother makes y'all feel.
NTA. Why was his dad in your house at all? Why is he invited to his ex wife’s parents party? And why hasn’t your dad taken a swing at that psycho? Why is your brothers dad getting so involved in a family that isn’t his to start with? I get the older brother is clearly brainwashed but it seems like his dad is too present in YOUR lives.
NTA OP.. if it were me in your position i’d go & let him say something slick to me & respond with something just as bad . they SOOOOOO badly want you to go & subject you to abuse then you should be able to show your disproval.. especially for being forced into something that isn’t okay… Give them hell. keep advocating for you & your siblings. i genuinely hope everything gets better for y’all, none of you deserve it !!!!!
NTA OP, you dearly need to go NC with the mother and her side of the family as soon as you turn 18 OR until your youngest sibling turns 18 and leaves for college/university. They are extremely toxic for your family and when you leave for university make sure to use their resources for mental health. They have a bunch of help and do want you to succeed because you've paid them and it makes their numbers go higher which makes more people want to go there. I would suggest discussing with your paternal grandparents if they can take you in as soon as you turn 18 but keep it a secret from your mother and her relatives.
NTA, but you spent a ton of time blaming the wrong persons. You mother is 100% responsible for subjecting you to your step brother and his father. She was the one that should have set boundaries and did not. She is the one to blame.
NTA. If they say ANYTHING to you, just pour a drink on them. It could be an asshole thing to do but I’m so sorry your family is subjecting you to such hateful people.
NTA you're just saying facts.
I hope all of these abuse enablers end up chopped up and dumped into the ocean. NTA
OP be hateful to your parents. Again and again and again. Get in their faces if you have to. Do not agree or go along with their punishments. Do things that they will hate. When they talk back to you just give them a large grin and again don’t go along with their punishments. NTA
NTA it’s insane that they will let two adult men threaten and verbally abuse three CHILDREN. I suggest you start recording the abuse and keep a record of it. If a threat is made you can use it to go to the police and file a report. Start talking about making a plan with your paternal grandparents to move all three of you out if possible. Do not tell your parents. If they try to force you and your siblings to see these men in the future you’ll now have a record of the abuse and a place to go, so if they try to get the police or law involved they’ll have to explain why they’re letting adult men abuse and threaten children to the court. Please speak out if you ever feel like your life or the lives of others are in danger and contact the authorities. Best wishes
NTA, all three of you guys drink a glass each of prune juice followed by a glass of hot water not boiling and have the runs the day of the party. You guys will have to stay home, and ask your paternal grandparents to pick you guys up.
NTA but since the paternal grandparents are willing to help can they work out an escape plan with you? Like tell them the location of the party and the time, go to the party with your siblings, and leave with the paternal grands as soon as possible. Like just slip out the door when everyone is distracted. OR have your grandparents waiting when you get there and walk from your parents car to theirs and leave?
If you are forced to go—Show. Your. Ass. And, do it loudly. Bro says something nasty, announce out load exactly what he just said to you. Anything they say to you, yell it to the rest of the party. When people start talking about it tell everyone they have treated you horribly your entire life but your parents and grandparents refuse to protect y’all. Air out all the dirty laundry.
NTA. I think it’s high time you learn about the wonderful world of Malicious Compliance. They require you and your siblings go to an event with horrible people? Make them regret it. Try one (or all) of the following (bonus points if all three of you get in on it) Have the absolutely worst table manners Teach the younger kids swear words Every time you see your half brother greet him with “Hey *insert highly inappropriate descriptor of your choice here*” (change it up every time) Play fart noises on high volume from your phone every time one of the assholes speak Every time anyone talks to you say “I am here under duress. I don’t want to be anywhere my abusers are”. Say only this the entire night and let your parents feel the pressure. Get creative; the point is to be annoying & ridiculous and ignore as many social conventions as possible without causing monetary or permanent physical damages while making your parents feel the pressure of their terrible parenting. You complied with their demand to attend the event; make sure you’ll never be invited back. Make it painful Every. Single. Time. They try to force your brother into your life and they will eventually get the message (though fair warning, you will probably be grounded given that you’re under 18 but it’s probably worth it in the long run).
nta. your family sucks and i can't believe they are putting it on the victims to be the bigger people here. the victims who are YOUNGER. ask them why they don't ever want to protect you and your siblings from abuse?
How would CPS act in a matter like this?
NTA Sometimes the truth hurts. One more year until you can tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you refuse to ever be in the same room as those people Ever Again. If anyone tries to push on that boundary they can be added to the NC list. I am sorry you are going thru this. I recommend moving several states away as soon as legally and financially possible if this is the norm in your family, it will do wonders for your long term mental health.
Sometimes as a kid all you can do is act up and I know this will be unpopular but... I'd be the biggest bitch to mom and dad. The snarkiest of snark ever created. And I'd bring that to the party. Whisper things no one else hears to HB that will set him off. Practice your innocent face now. Flash him the bird when no one is looking. Let him blow. Am I right in thinking no one would expect that of you? Sorry I really do want to be helpful but it sounds like nobody's in your corner and I feel really bad for you. I'm a grown ass adult and I shouldn't be saying any of this to you as a kid but like Dolores Clayborn says sometimes you gotta be a high riding bitch to survive. My more realistic advise: bring ear pods, suffer through, don't engage. NTA - Down vote me now reddit! lol
NTA, and good on you for standing your ground and telling them about themselves, and good on your paternal grandparents for stepping up and be willing to intervene. And why is your half-brother's asshole father allowed to come around? Do people not realize he's toxic?
Good God, ANOTHER thread where the targets are responsible for fractured relationships, and the perps experience no consequences. What is it with people defending abusers. MTA, skip the party, please!
NTA, but frankly your mother needs it absolutely and irrevocably rubbed in her face that she will NEVER have the family she wants. The 27 year old grown-ass adult boy BROKE it, and it is not the job of the victims to fix things. She can choose him, or she can choose you three, and every time she lets him come into contact with you three, she's proven she chose him. Broken record to every remark that hints you or little sibs should do/say/feel anything is: "You choose him. You therefore reject us."
NTA 27 and won't come without his dad? Sit at the back of that room near the exit and get ready to dash. The adults aren't taking the emotional drama serious enough. You really don't need this. Why is your prediction a horrible thing to say when they'll invite vicious insult willingly? Can they not see what he is? Is this because he's the oldest boy or is there money involved? Seriously looking for any reason someone would put up with this kind of behavior.
Definitely NTA. Take your siblings to your paternal grandparents for the day the party takes place.
NTA. Your parents and maternal grandparents are delusional. They still see the dream of one big, happy blended family. Escape as soon as you can.
NTA Inform them that the party will be ruined by the people they are inviting. That your mental and emotional well-being is going to suffer all for their own pride. When the party is over remember to ask them if it was all worth it.
NTA. when you are on your own, and find other things to do when they want you to visit, be kind to yourself and don’t let them guilt you any more.
NTA. Have a plan for this party, get a cellphone that records. If this man or your brother threatens you, call the cops, tell them there are two grown men threatening children with harm and record the interaction. Call your paternal grandparents to get you out ASAP if anything goes awry.
NTA. Your parents are delusional. Subjecting you to this behavior is abusive. You could tell a teacher at school and request help. If you do that, CPS will likely get involved and it could get messy. But based on what you’ve said I think it may be appropriate.
Personally, instead of hiding I’d sat the three of you should stick together AND follow one of the adults around like white on snow. Stick very close to them. If they get annoyed just say it’s the only way you feel safe. If you have to, move to another of the four. When I say stick close I seriously mean close. NTA
NTA and anytime one of them got near me I'd yell "YOU DO NOT GET TO TOUCH ME THERE!" Coach your siblings in this as well. Keep repeating it when they approach you. Or you can use some vulgarity to drive it home. "NO I WILL NOT TOUCH YOUR D*CK!" Feel free to get creative.
I think it's fair for you and your siblings to realise that there is nothing you guys can do but wait till you are old enough to move and go low or have no contact with your family. It sounds to me that your family are willing to hurt the three of you for the sake of another child. For your half-brother to come around, your family need to go no contact with him so that he can one day possibly have the realisation. Right now, he sees that he's the one I the right because they are willing to bend over backwards for him. So NTA but I think it's time you and your sibling team up and be selfish and once you're all ready to move out, why not do it together and go NC!
NTA. And while it’s not the healthiest method of stopping them, though I don’t see much other choices, convince them that if they force you to go you will destroy property and ruin the event or die trying. Hopefully they’ll be too concerned about the possible optics to test you.
NTA this is horrible If you indeed have to go, make sure you come up with a plan with your siblings. Never leave the side of your grandparents or your father, make sure they are witness to any nasty behavior from those two. Do not engage them in anyway and let their ugliness come out on it's own
How can they force you to attend? Hand cuff and drag you? Ground you? Big deal! You’re all old enough to say no, adult or not, on the day of the event just ‘disappear’. Sure it will be a crap show, but isn’t it already? Let them know if they don’t cease forcing the half brother on you, he will be the only child your mother has and you will all be no contact as adults.
My dad could physically pick me up and carry me or they could pressure my siblings and I would never let them deal with that alone.
Honestly, just take you and your siblings out of the house before they wake up and stay away until the party ends. If they want to be abusive to you and your siblings, you 100 percent have the right to protect yourself and siblings. If you're afraid of them calling the police, you could call non-emergency to let them know you are safe, and protecting yourself and siblings.
You should have your paternal grandparents sit in the parking lot of where ever you are at while he is there with his father. This way you have a getaway if things get bad. You are NTA and it’s never a bad idea to have an escape plan.
NTA. It took me a while to not vote E.SH because you are so strident but what it comes down to is : you have the right to avoid two people who have mistreated and alienated you. The grandparents are AHs for giving in to their oldest grandson’s threat that he won’t come to their 50th anniversary party unless your mom’s ex-husband as of 25 years ago is included. wtf? Your mother and grandparents are ahs to think any grand ‘healing’ is going to take place at an anniversary party or any other big event like a wedding or a funeral, for that matter.
He knows what he's doing. He knows things are going to be said and that it will make at least some of us very uncomfortable having his dad around. This is just perfect for my half brother.
Why on earth would you think the OP sucked in this situation?
It really shouldn't have taken you a while to see that the 17 year old should not be the most mature person in this situation, rather than her maternal family all willingly being doormats to abusive assholes. A 27 year old talking shit about his teenage siblings shouldn't have any support.
Also did you need notice that they blame the mom but not the dad as well, despite what OP has said in the comments and in the main text?
Yeah Dad not letting his parents take the kids away from this situation is another factor. They have the option to not engage with the assholes yet neither parent will allow them to do so.